The Emotionally Intelligent Leader

THE
EMOTIONALLY
INTELLIGENT
LEADER
Escape from negative people,
build internal power and
maintain poise in adversity
ISAIAH HANKEL
THE
EMOTIONALLY
INTELLIGENT
LEADER
How To Escape From Negative People,
Build Internal Power, And Maintain
Poise In the Face of Adversity
ISAIAH HANKEL
Design: BKsuRu.com
cover image copyright (artqu) 2014 @123rf.com
ABOuT ThE AuThOR
Isaiah Hankel is an internationally recognized

speaker and author who helps individuals, teams
and organizations develop a more entrepreneurial
mindset to accelerate their business success.
Isaiahs unique background allows him to offer
a scientific approach and tangible methodology
to the pursuit of purpose, focus and other
entrepreneurial values that every individual and
even the largest company can apply.
Isaiah has a Ph.D. in Anatomy and Cell Biology
and has worked extensively as a Fortune 500
consultant in the biotechnology industry and
with some of the worlds leading corporations,
including Amgen, GlaxoSmithKline, Pfizer, Roche
and Genentech. He has also presented at many
of the worlds premier academic institutions,
including Harvard University, Stanford University,
Oxford University, Cambridge University, The
Pasteur Institute and The Curie Institute.
Long before getting his doctorate, Isaiah was

a sheep farmer in rural Idaho who struggled
in school and was diagnosed repeatedly with
ADD and ADHD. He survived college and
barely made it into graduate school where
he was quickly put on academic probation
and forced to work as a janitor and sleep in a
friends basement to make ends meet. Just a
few years later, Isaiah formed three successful,
multinational businesses and published this
book, Black Hole Focus.
The system Isaiah used to go from being an
ADD-diagnosed sheep farmer to a being a
successful entrepreneur, author, and business
coach is carefully laid out within these
pages. Isaiah mixes science, strategy, and
entertaining personal stories to empower
you while also providing highly actionable
takeaways that you can immediately use to
improve your career and life.
CONTENTs
1. Chapter I. Hard Beginnings
2. Chapter II. Rule Over Your Emotions With An Iron Fist
Understand The Forces Influencing

You, Or Be Controlled By Them
11
The Dangers Of Herd Mentality
12
Be The Nail That Wrecks The Hammer
13
Why Its Better To Be Weird Than Cool
14
3. Chapter III. Demand Respect For Yourself
15
Protect Your Apologies
16
Welcome Conflict Like An Old Friend,

But Dont Invite Him To Dinner
17
Say No More Than You Say Yes
18
Never Play The Victim
19
4. Chapter IV. Quit Being A Crybaby And Cowboy Up
21
If Youre Afraid, Act Anyway
22
Laugh In The Face Of Adversity
24
Keep Your Problems To Yourself,

Unless Youre Really Trying To Solve Them
25
Focus On The Bottom Line, Not Mistakes
26
Manufacture Your Own Sense Of Certainty
27
5. Chapter V. Live Like A Lion
30
Courage Can Be Measured And Improved
32
How Courageous People Live
33
Destroy Fear With Knowledge
35
Be A Tough (But Fair) Leader
36
Turn Sheep Into Wolves, Not Better Sheep
37
Refuse To Make Critical Leadership Mistakes
39
6. Chapter VI. Avoid Dream-Killers, Attract Action-Takers
43
Cut Negative People Out Of Your Personal Life
45
The Narcissist And The Nemesis
47
Black Cats, Fat Cats, And White Whales
49
Delete Negative People From Your Professional Life
51
Fight To Work With The Right People
53
Why You Need Connectors, Battering Rams, And Hackers
56
7. Chapter VII. Master The Art Of Defiance
59
The Benefits Of Living Life On Your Own Terms
60
Rise Above Distraction, Obligation, And Mob Mentality
62
8. Chapter VIII. Lifelong Leadership
65
CHAPTER I
hARD BEGINNINGs
Tough times never last, but tough people do.
~ Robert H. Schuller
Ch. I
hARD BEGINNINGs
Ive never seen anyone get punched in the head as hard as Alfie did in the 4th
grade. An older 5th grader charged up to Alfie and teed off on his face like Happy
Gilmore driving a golf ball. Playground fights were normal when I was a kid; Im
not sure if they happen anymore. Most of these fights would end with a couple of
kids wrestling on the ground, one kid crying, someone telling a teacher, and both
kids getting sent to the Principals office.
Alfies response was abnormal. He didnt cry. He didnt run and tell the teacher. Alfie
rubbed his eye socket, walked up to the 5th grader, pushed him on the ground, and
said, Dont ever do that again. Then, he left to go play on the monkey bars. Last
year I heard that Alfred started his own software company and was now worth
just over a million dollars.
In high school, I worked at an Albertsons Grocery Store. I started as a bag boy but
was promoted to stock boy within a month. It was a pretty big deal at the time.
My stock manager, Bill, hated his job. But you wouldnt know it by looking at him.
At the time, this particular Albertsons generated more revenue than any other
Albertsons in the state. Product turnover was insane. As a result, Bill worked an
average of 70-80 hours a week. But he was treated like crap by the store director. The
director pushed and pulled Bill in different directions just to make Bill miserable.
You work too many overtime hours, Bill. We cant afford to keep you at this rate,
the director would say one day. Then, the next day, the director would say, Youre
not getting the job done Bill, you need to work more hours.
Bill never complained. He worked hard but he never ran around frantically trying
to show people he was working hard. A few months later, a checker told me that
Bill had accepted a director position at a competing grocery store. He was leaving
in two weeks. There was no drama, no grand battle, no epic telling off of his boss
Bill simply left to go work for his bosss competitor. Within twelve months, Bill
increased the competing stores revenue by over 20%.
Why is it that some people crack easily under pressure? They are faced with a
difficult situation and, instead of rising above, they fall into oblivion. They sink
7
Ch. I
hARD BEGINNINGs
into depression, lash out in anger, create meaningless drama, and, ultimately,
let others walk all over them. Yet, others a select few experience pain and
hardship, often at the hands of someone else, without losing their cool. These
people simply wipe the sweat from their brow and keep pushing forward. Behind
the scenes they strategize and innovate until one day, they have a breakthrough
and leave behind those who were pushing them down. What is the difference
between these two types of people?
The difference is emotionally intelligent leadership. The combination of emotional
intelligence knowing how to manage your emotions and understanding other
peoples emotional states with strong leadership skills is extremely powerful.
Emotionally intelligent leaders value both knowledge and action. They take risks
and always find a way to achieve their goals. Instead of waiting for things to happen
to them, emotionally intelligent leaders make things happen. They dont flinch and
stumble when an obstacle rises up, they overcome, or they use the obstacle to their
advantage. Most importantly, they face adversity without losing control of the one
thing they always have power over their emotions.
CHAPTER II
RuLE OvER YOuR

EMOTIONs WITh
AN IRON FIsT
Hold yourself responsible for a higher

standard than anybody else expects of you.
Never excuse yourself. Never pity yourself.
Be a hard master to yourself.
~ Henry Ward Beecher
Ch. II
RuLE OvER YOuR EMOTIONs WITh AN IRON FIsT
In life, we hear stories about people accomplishing extraordinary things. We

imagine that these people are supremely talented or have excellent genetics. Or
we imagine that they were given an unfair start in lifeperhaps their parents
were millionaires or they received some kind of lucky break like investing a few
thousand dollars in Microsoft in the 80s or Apple in the 90s. But this is rarely
the case. Instead, most often, the people who accomplish extraordinary things are
those who have supreme control over their emotions.
More than anything else, your ability to manage both your own emotions
and the emotions of others will determine your success in life. The first step
to overcoming any obstacle is to face your feelings with clarity and resolve.
Understanding your emotions will help you understand your actions and your
options. Everyone is guided by their emotions. We like to pretend that we are
supremely rational creatures, but very often our decisions come down to our
emotional states. We are motivated one moment, discouraged the next. We
feel successful and fulfilled in the morning, rejected and empty in the evening.
Usually these emotional swings are slight, but every once in a while, life will
throw us completely off balance. When this happens, you can either be a victim
of your emotions or the master of your emotions. The key is to start seeing
yourself as the monarch of your mental kingdom.
Mastering your emotions means making your emotional state the product of
your rational decisions. Emotions are not magic. Most people believe that they
have very little control over how they feel. When these people get in a mood,
they stay there. As a result, they make emotional decisions, often having to spend
large amounts of time and energy correcting these decisions later. It is far better to
counteract negative emotions upfront. This will help you make choices based on
logic rather than on whim. The goal is to consistently make rational decisions that
result in positive emotions. Logical decisions bring pleasure. Decisions driven
by negative emotions bring pain. Stop making emotion-based decisions and start
enjoying decision-based emotions. This will help you increase your happiness and
find ways to enjoy life more. Learning to command your mood will enhance your
self-awareness and ensure that your life is full of positive feelings and experiences.
10
Ch. II
UNDERSTAND THE FORCES INFLUENCING YOU,

OR BE CONTROLLED BY THEM
One bad apple spoils the bunch. The gasses emitted from a ripening apple will
cause other apples to ripen more rapidly. But, if one bad apple begins to grow mold
spores, the bad apple will infect and ruin all of the other healthy apples. Human
beings behave in a similar same way. Good and bad behavior is contagious1. One
study2 found that emotions circulate through social networks in patterns similar to
whats seen in epidemiological models of the flu virus. Numerically, each positive
person you surround yourself with increases your chances of being positive by
11%. But, each negative person you let into your life will more than double your
chances of being negative. Recent research3 also shows that even negative traits like
obesity are transferred like a virus from person to person. If one of your friends
becomes obese, you have a 171% of also becoming obese. Why?
Interacting with other people engages your mirror-neuron system4. A mirror neuron
is a cell in your brain that fires both when you act and when you observe another
person acting. This system makes you copy other people, whether you want to or
not. If you spend enough time with anyone, no matter who it is, you will start to
mimic their behavior. According to the Institute of HeartMath5, your heart emits
an electromagnetic field that extends up to five feet from your body. This heart
field is 60 times stronger than the electromagnetic field emitted by your brain and
can literally envelop people standing next you (and vice versa). Studies6 show that
the electromagnetic field emitted from other peoples hearts can actually influence
the rhythm of your heartbeat and your emotional state. These are only two of the
many scientifically measureable forces shaping your behavior on a daily basis.
Where you sit and what you hold also influences your behavior. Studies show
that people feel more ethical after washing their hands7. Other studies show that
people are more rigid and decisive when they sit on a hard chair8 versus a soft
chair. If you hold a hot drink9 in your hand, you will rate someone as having a
warmer personality than if youre holding a cold drink in your hand. If you carry
a heavy clipboard10 or thick notebook, you will feel more important than if you
11
Ch. II
carry nothing at all. If you wear a white coat11 that you believe belongs to a doctor,
your ability to pay attention increases sharply. But if you wear the same white coat
and believe that it belongs to a painter, your attention stays the same.
If an inanimate object can influence your behavior, imagine what an
animated person can do to it. Research12 shows that people who are lied
to are more likely to lie and cheat. Similar research shows that having an
obese friend increases your chances of becoming obese by 171%13 and having
a smoker in your family increases your chances of smoking by 61%14. But
people can make you better too. For example, studies15 show that having just
one happy friend increases your chances of becoming happy by 15%. In fact,
having just one friend of a friend who is happy increases your chances of
being happy by 10% and having one friend of a friend of a friend16 who is
happy increases your chances of being happy by 6%.
THE DANGERS OF HERD MENTALITY

I moved 3,000 miles away for college, and it felt like a dumb decision from day
one. All I had with me was whatever clothes I could carry in a few checked bags.
The other kids had furniture, mini-fridges, stereo systems, TVs, and new iMacs
those big bulbous desktop ones that came in different colors like purple or pink.
The college was pretty upscale like that and definitely full of a bunch of trust fund
babies. At least I think they had trust funds. I didnt ever see any with my own
eyes, but I did see dozens of Escalades parked around all the dorms.
The kids on the wrestling team didnt have trust funds. Like me, they didnt go around
wearing blue blazers and driving $80K cars. But they did have computers. And they were
clever. And mean. At least the cool ones were. I didnt know how to be cool. I tried to be
cool but I always felt like I was on the outside looking in. I was too poor and too jock to fit
in with the trust fund babies and too nice and too nerd to fit in with the cool wrestlers. I
felt like I didnt belong. This made me pretty miserable, but on the plus side I got straight
As. And I made varsity. I still didnt fit in though, which was the most important thing.
12
Ch. II
I came back to my second year of college determined to fit in and started making
some changes, like signing up for my first credit card and buying my first cell
phone. I bought some new clothes too and brand name hats that I could wear
sideways. Now I could nod my designer-dressed head at the rich kids from across
the quad. Or I could call them on my sweet Nokia. I also figured out how to
be mean. Not overly aggressive, go-to-jail mean but subtle, clever mean which
made me cool. Or at least more cool than I was. I studied less and went to more
parties and even moved into a suite with some of the coolest mean kids. I started
feeling like I belonged. And getting Bs and Cs in class. And losing lots of wrestling
matches, like 10 in a row. But losing didnt matter, because I was cool.
BE THE HAMMER THAT WRECKS THE NAIL

Creating a place for yourself in the world and developing leadership skills along the
way requires overcoming a lot of self-doubts. It also requires rejecting the opinions
of others. You have to stop listening to the groups answers and start answering
lifes questions on your own. The problem is that the pressure to conform to
the standards and expectations of your family, friends, and peers is extremely
powerful. This pressure is often referred to as groupthink, which is the practice of
thinking or making decisions as a group in a way that discourages creativity and
individual responsibility. Overcoming the pressure to fit in is the only way to rise
above mediocrity and be an emotionally intelligent leader.
The most famous study on the effects of groupthink is the Solomon Asch
conformity experiment17. This experiment was first conducted in 1951 when
Asch, the psychologist, brought together small groups of college students for
a visual perception study. However, instead of testing visual perception, the
study was really testing the effects of groupthink. During the experiment, every
student, except one, was a planted actor who knew the nature of the experiment.
The actors were instructed to give incorrect answers to very simple questions
that involved matching black lines on white cards. The real subject, who was
the only one not aware of the real experiment, was asked each question after
13
Ch. II
hearing the planted actors answers. Again and again, the experiment showed
that individuals knowingly answer incorrectly, against clear visual evidence,
in order to fit in with the group.
WHY ITS BETTER TO BE WEIRD THAN COOL

Herds dont think; they react. Studies18 on groupthink, or herd mentality, show
that humans and other animals like fish, buffalo, and birds collectively respond
to environmental changes with very low levels of cognition. Large groups are
often led, not by the proactive choices of each individual, but by a large collection
of dull responses. Thats what fitting-in does to you it puts you in the middle
of a large, dull blob that can only react to its environment. You might think that
adding a bunch of really smart individuals to a group would correct this issue,
but it doesnt. Research19 on leadership and decision-making found that adding
more intelligent individuals to a group does not help the group achieve its goals
any faster. For example, a group of 200 people will perform the same whether
10 or 100 of them are intelligent. Theres no rational advantage of following a
group over listening to yourself.
Its better to be weird than cool. Trying to fit into a larger group does not benefit
you. It doesnt even benefit the group. Standing out is the only way to reach your
fullest potential. And its the only way to help other people reach their full potential.
You might think that fitting in will help you get ahead in life, but its just not true.
As counterintuitive as it might seem, trying to fit in will actually prevent you from
connecting with other people, which will also prevent you from influencing them.
The first step to being an emotionally intelligent leader is to have a strong sense of
self and high-levels of self-respect. In other words, you have to know who you are
and you have to like who you are.
14
CHAPTER III
DEMAND REspECT
FOR YOuRsELF
Self-respect leads to self-discipline.

When you have both firmly under
your belt, thats real power.
~ Clint Eastwood
15
Ch. III
DEMAND REspECT FOR YOuRsELF
If you dont respect yourself, why should anyone else? People with low levels of selfrespect are both more aware of their social standing and more sensitive to social
feedback. As a result, these people are constantly distracted and easily influenced,
especially by the opinions of others. Psychology professors at Dartmouth
University20 found that having low levels of self-respect can actually alter a persons
neural responses. The study showed that two different parts of the brain were
overactive in people with low self-esteem the ventral anterior cingulated cortex
(vACC) and the medical prefrontal cortex (mPFC). Researchers could predict a
participants opinion of herself by measuring the activity of these two brain regions
in response to socializing. Other studies have identified vACC and mPFC activity
as important to psychological disorders including social anxiety disorder and
depression. The key is you can condition these regions of your brain to be less
active by changing your focus and behavior. First, you need to stop apologizing
for yourself. Then you need to stop shying away from conflict. This means being
willing to get angry and to say no to other people. Most importantly, it means
never, under any circumstances, allow yourself to play the victim.
PROTECT YOUR APOLOGIES

Everyone wants you to apologize for everything. We are taught from a young age
that saying Im sorry is the right thing to doits the responsible thing to do. Its
the grownup thing to do. After all, apologizing is the only way to get along with
other people at work and at home. Right?
Always apologizing erodes your integrity. A study21 published in the European
Journal of Social Psychology showed that refusing to apologize provides several
psychological benefits, including empowerment, confidence, and greater feelings
of integrity and self-respect. Of course, this doesnt mean that you should never
apologize. If you did something legitimately wrong or failed to deliver, own up
to it, learn from it, and move on. But, if youre apologizing for your beliefs, your
desires, your goals, your past, or who you are in general, stop it. Nothing is more
soul sucking and distracting than constantly worrying about offending other
16
Ch. III
people. If who you are offends other people, thats their problem, not yours. Try
this: dont apologize for 10 days. If you make a routine mistake, instead of saying,
Im sorry or my apologies, say, I didnt mean to do that or Heres what I
meant to say
WELCOME CONFLICT LIKE AN OLD FRIEND,

BUT DONT INVITE HIM TO DINNER
Making things happen is not easy. Trying something new takes a lot of effort.
On the other hand, doing what youre told and staying within your comfort
zone is a piece of cake. The problem is that without taking risks, both your
self-respect and productivity will suffer. Staying uncomfortable is the only way
to keep adding value to your life in a way that earns both the respect of others
and the respect of yourself. But change is not easy. Change requires a strong
trigger. Without overcoming discomfort, confusion, embarrassment, boredom,
worry, and other negative emotions, nothing would change. Sometimes, the best
way to overcome negative emotions is with another, stronger, negative emotion.
Research22 at the Harvard Decision Science Laboratory found that anger both
encourages people to believe they can control their future and then motivates
them to take risks. Anger both narrows your focus and directs your attention
outward. It also primes you for action. Agitation is a great trigger. Allowing
yourself to get agitated and then channeling your anger into productive action
is a great way to increase your performance.
Getting fired-up can help you perform better. A study23 in the Journal of Applied
Psychology showed that people who listened to an angry interaction between a
customer and a customer service rep worked harder and faster on a subsequent
problem than their peers who listened to a nice call. But thats not all. Those
who listened to a sarcastic interaction worked as hard and fast as those exposed
to anger, but also had more accurate and creative results. This is why working
with one or two individuals who you dont get along with very well can greatly
enhance your productivity. Most people think that they should only work with
17
Ch. III
nice people who think and act just like them. The truth is you should work with
people who make you really angry every now and then. People who agitate
you and who see things differently than you will help you stay motivated and
effective. The key is to use anger as a trigger only. Once youve kick-started change
and action, shift your perspective to being positive and staying productive. This
shift is critical to your success. Sustained anger can be destructive physically in
your body and externally in your relationships.
Besides, not everyone deserves a free pass. Every now and then, you have to call
someone out openly for their bad behavior or subpar performance. The problem
is that being direct with other people is becoming more and more taboo. We dont
want to hurt other peoples feelings. We dont want to be negative. As a result, the
bar for productivity gets set lower and lower and the number of excuses people
get away with making climbs higher and higher. The truth is, improvement is
impossible without criticism. And the best type of criticism is direct criticism. A
review24 in the Journal of Applied Psychology shows that negative feedback should
be given as directly and transparently as possible. The biggest misconception that
most people have is that negative feedback should be sandwiched with positive
feedback. This is wrong. Research shows that giving positive feedback with negative
feedback acts to undermine both your message and your relationship with the
other person. The more direct you are, the more other people will respect you
and the more you will respect yourself. Of course, you shouldnt be calling people
every day or without a good reason. That just makes you a jerk.
SAY NO MORE THAN YOU SAY YES

One of the biggest downfalls that successful people in business and
entrepreneurship claim25 to have made is not being able to say no more.
In todays world, turning down opportunities is becoming one of the fastest
ways to both get ahead and get respect. Saying no is harder than it sounds,
especially for driven people. Its easy to get caught in the trap of thinking that
turning down an opportunity will mean missing out on a potential million 18
Ch. III
dollar payout down the road. Or, it might mean burning a bridge between you
and the next Steve Jobs. But, in reality, successful people, by far, turn down
more opportunities than unsuccessful people. They also get more respect for
doing so. People who say yes to everything are often seen as pushovers, while
people who say no are recognized for having boundaries and more important
things to do. Saying no eliminates stress and makes you more dependable.
Saying no will also make you more creative. Being selective with your tasks
both frees your mind and gives you time to sharpen your natural strengths.
No is better than yes. The problem is that we are taught to say yes to everything.
Team players say yes. Champions say yes. On the other hand, saying no is selfish.
Kevin Ashton, the co-founder of the MIT Auto-ID Center, sums it up well here:
Saying no has more creative power than ideas, insights and talent combined.
No guards time, the thread from which we weave our creations. The math of
time is simple: you have less than you think and need more than you know. We are
not taught to say no. We are taught not to say no. No is rude. No is a rebuff, a
rebuttal, a minor act of verbal violence. No is for drugs and strangers with candy26.
Try this: say no to 5 things you normally wouldnt say no to every day. Ive
started doing this recently and its completely changed my life.
NEVER PLAY THE VICTIM

In graduate school, I was diagnosed with a pretty serious illness, and in some
sick way thought that it was my ticket to getting my degree faster. For over
a year, my mentor was sandbagging my career progress and telling my thesis
committee that I wasnt ready to get my Ph.D. The truth was he just didnt like
me. I was too loud and happy for his taste. Fair enough. When I got sick, I
figured it was my chance to repair the relationship by being quiet, weak, and
pathetic. I actively put a depressed look on my face and shuffled around the
lab sullenly like a leper. I did whatever I was told, said yes to everything, and
19
Ch. III
apologized for all of my past mistakes. I thought he would feel sorry for me. I
was wrong. He hammered me worse than ever before. Why?
No one admires a voluntary victim. A lot of people make the mistake of thinking
that showing off their weaknesses will get them the attention and respect they
deserve. This is especially true in todays world where everyone is running around
telling everyone else how busy, sick, and poor they are. I had such a crazy
week last weekI had to put out so many firesif only I had more money
my fibromyalgia is acting up again In the past few years, a lot of research
has done on the importance of being vulnerable, but there is such a thing as
being too vulnerable. Vulnerability without reserve is nothing more than playing
the victim. The goal is to be open and honest, not helpless. As harsh as it may
sound, people despise deliberate weakness. Wimps are not attractive. Of course, a
weakness can be repositioned as a strength, but real weaknesses, such as sadness,
underperformance, cowardly behavior, or lack of self-respect are never strengths.
20
CHAPTER IV
QuIT BEING A
CRYBABY AND
COWBOY up
We have not journeyed across the centuries,

across the oceans, across the mountains, across the
prairies, because we are made of sugar candy.
~ Winston Churchill
21
Ch. Iv
QuIT BEING A CRYBABY AND COWBOY up
Confidence is always a strength. In a study27 involving 242 MBA students,

researchers at the University of California Berkeleys Hass School of Business
found that confidence, not talent, was a bigger predictor of career success.
Specifically, a component of confidence called self-efficacy sets people apart
from their lower performing peers. Self-efficacy is the belief that you are able
to accomplish a particular goal. For example, its an attitude that says, I can
find a way to do this job or I can make this relationship work. A Stanford
University review28 defined self-efficacy as a persons belief about his capability to
produce designated levels of performance. Self-efficacy determines how a person
feels, thinks, motivates himself and behaves. Amplifying your self-efficacy will
elevate your performance and your self-respect. It will also help you get respect
from other peoplerespect that you deserve. Respect for yourself will give you
confidence. Once youre confident in who you are, you need to display your
confidence. This means maintaining a state of poise under pressure.
Poise is the opposite of anxiousness. And anxiousness, for the most part, is
developed. Psychiatrist Kenneth Kendler, from the Virginia Institute for Psychiatric
and Behavioral Genetics, published a study that examined 1,200 pairs of male
twins. One group consisted of identical twins (each pair sharing identical DNA)
and the other group consisted of fraternal twins (each pair having different DNA).
Since each set of twins shared the same upbringing, yet only the identical twins
shared the same DNA, Kendler was able to control for environmental factors
and calculate a pure figure for human genetic susceptibility to anxiety. Kendlers
research showed that our genes account for only about 30% of our anxiousness
(or, lack of poise). The other 70% is not genetic; its learned. This means that
anxiety can be unlearned, or at least controlled.
IF YOURE AFRAID, ACT ANYWAY

In the book Nerve: Poise Under Pressure, Serenity Under Stress, and the Brave New
Science of Fear and Cool29, author Taylor Clark discusses studies that examine
everyone from competitive swimmers to classical musicians. The studies show
22
Ch. Iv
that there is absolutely no difference between elites and novices in the intensity of
their pre-performance anxiety. In other words, poised masters and top-of-theirfield performers are still anxious. For example, Boston Celtics center Bill Russell,
who led his team to 11 NBA championships, had legendary pre-game anxiety.
Throughout the entirety of his career, Russell grew so nervous that he threw up
before every game every single game. Laurence Olivier, regarded as one of the
foremost Shakespeare actors of the 20th century, suffered from such crippling stage
fright that his costars had to physically push him onstage. Clark concludes that
the only difference between being a shaky novice and a poised master is that the
latter has trained himself to work with fear instead of against fear. Poised people
welcome fear like an old friend. They let themselves feel the fear and urgency of
their situation, then they move forward with their game plan anyway. This results
in a poised and confident performance. You can get better at performing in the
face of fear, first by actively seeking out adversity and second by practicing poise
during adverse events. Regardless of the challenge, your goal should be to radiate
confidence and control, not stress and hustle.
Adversity is the gateway to poise. Learning how to be confident in difficult
circumstances requires experiencing difficult circumstances. A study30 out of the
University of California, Irvine monitored the mental health and happiness of 2,000
people for several years. At various time points, these people were asked to list any
difficult events, such as the loss of a loved one, a divorce, or a natural disaster, that
had happened to them before the survey started. They were also asked to report
any difficult events that happened to them during the survey period. In the end,
the study found that people who had previously endured hardships were better
able to endure future hardships with confidence and control. The best way to
improve your poise is to actively seek out challenges before life deals you a major
challenge. Put yourself in stressful situationssign up to run a marathon, take a
job interview when you dont need a job, schedule a meeting with a tough client,
volunteer for a public speaking opportunity, or have that difficult conversation
you really dont want to haveand practice handling them with poise.
Poise is a personality trait. Studies31 in the Consulting Journal of Psychology show
23
Ch. Iv
that poised people have three main qualities. First, poised people refuse to be afraid
during times of change and uncertainty. Instead, they choose to be excited by the
new opportunities in front of them. If your boss is treating you badly, dont waste
your energy by being afraid of losing your job and dont waste your time chasing
your tail and trying to look busy. Instead, do your best, update your resume, and
start looking at all the other exciting job opportunities available to you. Second,
poised people focus on their circle of influence32, not their circle of concern. Rather
than feeling helpless, these people focus on what they can control and take action to
improve their stressful situation in any way they can. If a poised person is diagnosed
with a serious illness, she will stay positive and productive by seeking out whatever
information she can find on her disease and by working to improve her overall
health. Instead of sitting back and waiting for the doctor alone to fix her, she will
eat better, be more active, and keep her attitude in check. Third, poised people stay
committed to the world around them. Instead of withdrawing or running away,
these people double down on their friendships, activities, and their overall place
in the world. Nothing can derail a poised person from his own life.
LAUGH IN THE FACE OF ADVERSITY

Everything went black for a few seconds, and then the referee pulled me up
by my wrist and told me I had a minute and a half to figure out if I wanted
to continue the match. I was in the middle of my first high school wrestling
tournament. It was a Junior Varsity tournament. I was a freshman and I had no
idea what I was doing. But I did know that I was just knocked unconscious for
a few seconds. The guy I was wrestling against, a Senior, had thrown me on my
head. I remember thinking that I didnt want to wrestle anymore. I wanted to
sit in the stands and tell my girlfriend how much my head hurt. I wanted to eat
cookies and drink Gatorade and complain about how unfair it was to have to
wrestle a Senior anyways. Then, my coach came over. He smacked my headgear
and said, Youre wrestling great. He slapped my shoulders and triceps and told
me to get back out there and dont get thrown around this time. I went back
out and finished the match.
24
Ch. Iv
My last year of Graduate school I was so stressed about publishing a paper and
finishing my thesis that I started having kidney problems. The first doctor I
went to told me that I had to be put on massive doses of medication and may
eventually need dialysis. After hearing this, I spent the next several weeks feeling
sorry for myself and acting helpless. I talked to my friends and family members
about my problems. I whined and complained about how unfair everything
was, how I didnt deserve any of this. They were all very supportive. They said
it wasnt my fault. They said I had a right to vent and feel cheated. They were
all there for me. But somehow, their reassurances made me feel more helpless
and uncertain. Somehow, their support lowered my self-esteem. Then, one day,
I took a trip to visit an old college friend. The day I arrived, he picked me up
from the airport and, when I got into his car, he punched me in the arm and
said, Well, crybaby, I guess youre going to have to do this without kidneys.
Instantly, my perspective changed. I felt better. I felt empowered. Why?
KEEP YOUR PROBLEMS TO YOURSELF,

UNLESS YOURE REALLY TRYING TO SOLVE THEM
Complaining empowers your problems. Your problems in life are proportional
to the amount of time you spend complaining about your problems in life. The
less you complain, the less problems you will have. This is because complaining
about your problems keeps your attention on your problems. And attention
generates force. Complaining also negatively affects your brain function and
overall health. One study33 found that teenagers who vented to each other about
their problems for long periods of time were more likely to develop depression
and anxiety. A second study34 showed that being exposed to complaining for
30 minutes or more peels away neurons in your hippocampus, the part of your
brain responsible for problems solving. The real problem is that, more and
more, people are being encouraged to talk obsessively about their problems.
Most people believe that venting is healthy. They believe complaining a sign of
emotional intelligence. The truth is, complaining will keep people from liking
you and it will keep you from liking yourself.
25
Ch. Iv
Success shuns a crybaby. Understand that complaining is not emotional

intelligence; its emotional stupidity. If you want to attract failure, talk about your
problems. If you want to attract success, talk about what makes you happy. A
study35 published in Psychological Science examined how people responded to
positive versus negative Facebook status updates. The researchers ranked random
college students as having high or low self-esteem and collected a set of 10
status updates from each student. Then, the researchers asked strangers to read
the updates and rate how much they liked the student who wrote each set. An
example of a positive status update was [I am] looking forward to a great day
tomorrow. An example of a negative update was [I am] upset b/c my phone got
stolen. The study found that students with high self-esteem were more likely to
post positive status updates on Facebook than students with low self-esteem. The
study also found that strangers liked students who posted positive status updates
more than they liked students who posted negative updates. Interestingly, students
who posted positive updates, whether or not they had high or low self-esteem,
were more likely to get responses from their actual Facebook friends.
FOCUS ON THE BOTTOM LINE, NOT MISTAKES

Separate yourself from your problems. When you fail, take responsibility, but see your
shortcomings and mistakes as temporary setbacks, not permanent disabilities. An
experiment36 in the Netherlands tested 313 children for self-esteem and then had them
play a fixed computer game that forced the children to win or lose and gave both the
winners and losers either praise for their efforts, praise for themselves, or no praise
(control). In the group where the children were praised for their personal qualities, the
webmaster wrote, Wow, youre great! whereas the children who were praised for their
efforts were told, Wow, you did a great job! After either winning or losing the game,
the children were told to complete a survey about their feelings of shame. Compared
to all of the other groups, children who lost the game experienced significantly higher
levels of shame if they had been praised for their personal qualities (especially if they
had low self-esteem). The researchers concluded that focusing on results over personal
qualities keeps people from associating their self-worth with failure or success.
26
Ch. Iv
Keep your eye on the bottom line. Focusing on the end results of your efforts
will help you see failure as a temporary setback rather than as a flaw in your
character. Since your self-worth is not tied up in your viewpoint, you will be
less likely to make excuses, complain, or get stuck. This viewpoint will also help
you see success as a stepping-stone for more success, rather than as an endpoint
(or laurel) to rest on. Of course, this doesnt mean that you shouldnt take your
work seriously. It means you should stay as light on your feet as possible after
either a success or failure so you can continue to grow as quickly as possible.
MANUFACTURE YOUR OWN SENSE OF CERTAINTY

Complaining is a side effect of uncertainty. People with low self-esteem are uncertain
about who they are and what they are capable of. The secret to high self-esteem
is to increase your certainty. The problem is that its hard to create certainty in
yourself or your abilities when youre getting negative results. When most people
get negative feedback, they lose their certainty, complain about their problems,
and stop moving forward. A better approach is to take full responsibility for the
negative feedback you receive, change your perspective, get certain in yourself,
and take action in a new direction. The key is to manufacture your own certainty.
Instead of wasting your energy complaining, use it to create a sense of certainty.
Bulking up the certainty you have in yourself and in your abilities will keep you
focused on solutions and opportunities, rather than on problems and limitations.
According to legend, for thousands of years people tried to run a mile in under
4 minutes. Some cultures reportedly released angry bulls behind runners to
increase their incentive to run a sub 4-minute mile. More recently, medical
experts said that the human body was incapable of running a mile in under 4
minutes. A sub 4-minute mile was labeled as both dangerous and impossible.
In the 1940s, the one-mile record stood at exactly 4:01 for over nine years. The
entire world was certain that the medical experts were right it was impossible
for the human body to run a sub 4-minute mile. Then, on May 6, 1954, Roger
Bannister broke the 4-minute barrier, running a mile in 3:59.4. Two months
27
Ch. Iv
later, two additional runners broke the 4-minute barrier. For thousands of
years, no one could run a sub 4-minute mile, now, in only the last 70 years,
thousands of people have run a sub 4-minute mile. Today, even strong high
school athletes can run sub 4-minute miles.
The interesting part of the 4-minute mile story is that Bannister, as part of his
training, relentlessly visualized running a mile in less than 4 minutes in order to
create a sense of certainty in his mind and body that it was possible. Bannister broke
the 4-minute barrier because he had high self-esteem. He was so certain in his
mission that his mind and body rejected anything short of victory. Visualization,
specifically, focusing on solutions and what you want to happen in the future
engages your reticular activating system, the part of your brain that filters relevant
versus irrelevant information. The more you focus on what you want, the more
your reticular activating system will seek out ways to achieve it and the more
certainty you will manufacture in your pursuit.
Feeling sorry for yourself is not a solution. Talking about your problems does
not fix them. Whining and sharing your past failures without a purpose is
pointless (and embarrassing). It sounds harsh, but thinking and talking about
the negative things that happen to you will do nothing but lower yourself esteem
and keep you from feeling confident. Of course, you want to acknowledge and
learn from your mistakes. But you dont want to dwell on them you dont want
to be a crybaby. There are several things you can do to keep yourself from being
a crybaby. First, avoid activities37 that have been linked to people with low selfesteem, including obesity, watching more than 4 hours of Television a week, and
refusing to participate in sports and sporting events.
Second, build yourself a confidence toolkit. In the book Mindset: The New
Psychology Of Success38, author and Stanford University professor Carol Dweck,
Ph.D., writes that a well-chosen array of objects can help you have high selfesteem. The key is to keep these object hidden except in times of need. Objects
to include in your toolkit include proof that you can be bold (like a napkin with
a hot girls phone number on it), a photo of family and friends (or anything that
28
Ch. Iv
reminds you that you are loved), a token of growth (like a first place medal or
most improved player award), an article or picture of someone successful who
inspires you, and a thank you card that someone sent you (feeling a sense of
contribution is critical to increasing confidence and self-esteem).
Third, toughen up by reappraising your situation. The two most common ways for
people to regulate their emotions are reappraisal (changing the way you think about
an emotional event) and suppression (changing the way you respond behaviorally
to an emotional event). Both methods are better than complaining and both
methods involve change. However, numerous studies39 show that reappraisal has
more short-term and long-term benefits than suppression. People who reappraise
emotional situations make better decisions moving forward, function better
socially, and have a better sense of their overall wellbeing. These people also
have better emotional profiles later in life. The best way to reappraise a negative
situation is to see yourself as the master of your problems rather than as the
victim of your problems. After all, your problems are at your disposal. You can
think about them, learn from them, and respond to them in any way you choose.
Own your mistakes, but dont own them forever. When something bad happens
to you, change the way you think about it. Instead of complaining or feeling
sorry for yourself, focus on the result (not yourself) and find a way to learn from
it as quickly as possible. Avoid permanent and personal thinking. Then, use
your confidence toolkit to get confident. Or, have someone else build up your
confidence, not by listening to your complaints, but by telling you to quit being
a crybaby. See yourself as bigger, better, and more powerful than the problem.
Its better to despise a negative result, even with a little bit of arrogance, than it is
to sink into the pits of despair. Finally, generate certainty in yourself and in the
result you want by visualizing success and taking action to achieve it.
29
CHAPTER V
LIvE LIKE A LION
It is better to live one day as a lion

than a hundred years as a sheep.
~ Italian Proverb
30
Ch. v
LIvE LIKE A LION
A week into one of my first jobs after graduate school, the owner of the company
sent out an email berating all of the current employees for fumbling a project.
He warned everyone that he was about to go Donald Trump on us and start
firing people. Huh? Whats happening?
I had no idea what was going on but I was pretty sure I was going to get canned.
It was really weird to go from working in academia where things moved very
slowly and firings rarely happened to working for a small startup where people
were coming and going constantly. After reading the email, I calculated how
much I would get paid if I made it through the rest of the day. And once I made
it through that day, I calculated how much I would get paid if I made it through
the rest of the next full day. Im not sure why but breaking things down like this
made me less afraid of losing my job.
The guy I was about to wrestle in the quarterfinals at the State tournament was
wearing a skater hat and making out with his girlfriend. He had curly blonde hair
and big puffy cheeks and kind of looked like a teenage version of that little kid
in the movie Jerry Maguire. Im going to destroy this guy, I thought. Wrong. He
was incredibly tough. We ended going up into overtime during our match and
at the last minute I was disqualified because my thumb got caught in his singlet.
My dream of being a State champion died immediately. Forever. I wanted to dig
a hole under the stadium bleachers and disappear. I remember hiding in one
of the giant locker rooms and thinking that there was no way I was going to go
back out and wrestle again.
Working my way back through a 32-man consolation bracket was the last thing I
wanted to do. Actually, it was the second to last thing I wanted to do. Facing my
family, friends, and teammates was the last thing I wanted to do. But then I started
to figure that it was more embarrassing to keep hiding in the locker room than
it was to go out and wrestle again. So, after a few more minutes, I stood up and
walked out of the locker room to wrestle my next match.
31
Ch. v
LIvE LIKE A LION
COURAGE CAN BE MEASURED AND IMPROVED

Courage is a measurable ability. Courage is the ability to carry out voluntary actions
that oppose a fear response. It can be measured by quantifying the level of activity
in a part of your brain called the subgenual anterior cingulate cortex (sgACC). The
sgACC is right next to the amygdala, which is the part of your brain that controls
feelings of fear. A study published in Cell Press reviews an experiment where study
participants had to choose whether or not to electronically move either a teddy
bear or a live snake40 closer to their faces while their brains were being scanned.
Courageous people who were able to bring the snake very close to their faces had
high levels of sgACC activity while uncourageous people did not.
Courage, like all abilities, can be improved. A study involving over 200 bombdisposal operators41 found that the only things separating courageous people
from uncourageous people were adequate training, good and reliable equipment,
high group morale, and live-action experience. The key finding overall was
that most of the bomb-disposal operators performed extraordinarily well even
though most of them were chosen at random for the position. Over a ten-year
period, they successfully dealt with thousands of improvised explosive devices
(IEDs) and sustained less than 20 fatalities. The study concluded that virtually
all soldiers, officers, and non-commission offers are capable of carrying out this
difficult and dangerous work as long as they received specialized training. In
other words, anyone can become courageous.
Courageousness is not some mystical trait that can only be achieved by a small
number of special people. Its a trait that anyone can achieve. All it takes is time and
training. And a choicea choice to be bold. You cant erase fear, but you can override
it. Getting comfortable with feeling fear is a critical part of learning how to be
courageous. A second critical part is stepping out your comfort zone again and again
until discomfort starts to seem comfortable. Overcoming fear to take risks will never
feel easy but there are ways to make it feel more natural. Courageous people are
simply those who have trained themselves to feel normal during stressful situations.
There are 10 things courageous people do to override fear and make bold moves.
32
Ch. v
LIvE LIKE A LION
HOW COURAGEOUS PEOPLE LIVE

The first thing courageous people do is allow themselves to experience symptoms
of anxiety. Paratroopers are members of a military infantry unit trained to attack
in combat areas by parachuting from airplanes. New paratrooper trainees42
experience the following symptoms prior to jumping out of a plane at night:
sweating, dry mouth, hot face, flushing, pounding heart, and trembling. And guess
what, veteran paratroopers experience the same symptoms: sweating, dry mouth,
hot face, flushing, pounding heart, and trembling. Experienced combat fliers,
veteran infantry, and bomb disposal operators also experience these symptoms.
The second thing that courageous people do is never limit their confidence
levels. When it comes to how strongly you believe in your ability to complete
tasks and reach goals, boundaries should not exist. Studies show that new
paratrooper trainees who are classified anywhere below the 90th percentile in
terms of confidence rank jumping out of an airplane as less dangerous before
they do it than after they do it. In other words, they adapt to their experience
by seeing the situation they just survived as being more dangerous. New
trainees who are classified above the 90th percentile in terms of confidence rank
jumping out of an airplane as less dangerous afterwards. They adapt by seeing
the experience as less dangerous and by becoming even more confident. These
trainees also perform at higher levels than those below the 90th percentile.
Confidence breeds confidence.
Courageous people also see themselves as courageous. Studies43 show that
courage is a measurable construct that can be adequately self-reported and is
predictive of actual performance in the presence of a feared stimulus. Soldiers
training to be Airborne Rangers were asked to mark on a self-rating scale
the amount of fear they felt during mock-tower jumping. For all participants,
performance was directly related to their self-ratings of fear. Those who
subsequently passed the Airborne course estimated that they were less afraid
than those who failed it. You are literally as courageous as you think you are.
If you see yourself as bold, you will behave boldly.
33
Ch. v
LIvE LIKE A LION
The fourth thing the courageous people do is control their environment.

In graduate school, I started riding motorcycles. My first sport bike was a
Suzuki. I had no idea how to ride it when I bought it, so I signed up for a
3-day training course. The first thing I learned in the course was a pre-ride
check system referred to as T-CLOCS. I still use this system nearly every time
I ride my bike. If I forget to use it, I usually remember halfway into my ride
and get terrified that the bikes chain is going to snap and Im going to crash.
Theres a reason for this. Studies show that bomb-disposal operators44 perform
better when they have a high level of control over their equipment. This is
one of the reasons why all high-risk activities from hang gliding to hunting to
parasailing to bungee jumping to auto racing to scuba diving and skydiving
have extensive pre-performance checklists45. Courage is not the result of
letting go and blindly trusting a process. Its the result of understanding and
controlling every last detail of a process.
Courageous people also focus on small details and routine tasks. This is because
big, complex problems are more likely to initiate a fear response than small,
simple problems. The key is that all big, complex problems can be chunked
down into small, simple problems. The fastest way to get back in control of
your mind during a stressful event is to focus on routine tasks and small details.
This will bring your mind back to the present moment. Studies show that this
kind of mindfulness decreases fear and increases courage in cancer patients46.
When a situation gets intense, get present by chunking the situation down
and taking it on one moment at a time.
The sixth thing courageous people do is create a sense of camaraderie with
others. Bold people are not afraid to lean on others. Studies show that high
levels of group cohesion and group morale increase individual courage.
Camaraderie also increases individual lifespan and life quality. Veterans47 who
served in military units characterized by a strong esprit de corps were much
less likely decades later to die of a stroke or heart condition than veterans from
less cohesive companies. Cancer patients48 who participated in group exercise
sessions lived longer and reported a greater quality of life during treatment.
34
Ch. v
LIvE LIKE A LION
DESTROY FEAR WITH KNOWLEDGE

Courageous people also gain specialized knowledge. Knowledge destroys fear.
The first step to overcoming a fear of flying49, without actually getting on an
aircraft, is to increase your knowledge of air travel. This includes things like
understanding how flight equipment operates during takeoff and landing (see
#4) and understanding statistics like how much more dangerous it is to drive on
the road than fly in a plane. For example, the odds of dying in a motor vehicle
accident are about 1 in 98 for a lifetime. The odds of dying during air travel
are about 1 in 7,17850 for a lifetime. The second step is to learn and practice
cognitive behavioral therapy techniques like anxiety management, breathing
relaxation, cognitive restructuring, and thought-stopping.
Courageous people always train live to a sickening degree. Its true, knowledge kills
fear. But sometimes it comes back. Experience keeps fear from coming back from
the dead. The only way to erase your fear of something completely is to experience
it live. Studies51 show that live-action experience is the only way to fully adapt to
intensely stressful situations. For example, the experience of dealing with hoaxes
or false alarms made no additional contribution to the confidence or competence
levels of new bomb-disposal operators. But once these inexperienced operators
successfully completed just one bomb-disposal task on a live device, their confidence
levels and feelings of competence rose to the level of experienced operators. Other
studies52 show that virtual reality graded exposure therapy is only 100% effective in
treating people who have a fear of flying if its accompanied with live physiological
feedback. Courage is created by action. Bold people are just ordinary people who
have experienced something stressful an extraordinary number of times.
The ninth thing courageous people do is use embarrassment as motivation. Bold
people hate to be embarrassed. But, instead of shying away from situations where
they could embarrass themselves, they use their hatred of embarrassment as
motivation. A two-year study that included over 100 interviews with mixed martial
arts fighters53 found that most fighters use embarrassment in a kind of paradoxical
fashion to stay motivated. The fighters reported saying things like You really dont
35
Ch. v
LIvE LIKE A LION
want to let your family or teammates down, and The name of the [MMA] school
is kind of riding on you. You have to represent for your school. The paradox is
that they use their fear of embarrassment as motivation to override their fear. In
other words, the possibility of embarrassment gives them courage.
The tenth and final thing courageous people do is develop an on/off switch. In
college, I was one of those wrestlers who was always switched on. I constantly
trained and would warm-up excessively before a match. Sometimes I would
exercise for hours before a big match. I had no off button. This was to
my detriment. I remember watching some wrestlers take naps before their
matches. Theyd literally fall asleep until ten minutes before and then go out
and wrestle. I thought these people were idiots. But a lot of them wrestled
incredibly well. Better than me. Why?
Studies show54 that experienced paratroopers and bomb-disposal operators
maintain one large advantage over their less-experience counterparts in that they
are better able to adjust their level of arousal to on-duty and off-duty periods.
That is to say, they can switch on and switch off more discriminatively.
Courageous people have an on/off switch. Worrying constantly and staying on
high-alert will not help you override fear. Just the opposite. High-alert behavior
will make you more fearful. A better strategy is to turn off your mind until just
before its time to perform. Of course, you need to train and prepare thoroughly
(see #8), but you shouldnt get stuck in preparation mode. Bold people are on
or off. They dont have an in-between.
BE A TOUGH (BUT FAIR) LEADER

I was sitting in the exit row on a plane descending into Denver, Colorado. Anyone
that has flown into or out of Denver in the spring knows that its a hull thumping ride.
Ten minutes into our descent, the plane hit some massive turbulence and shook the
cabin violently from side to side. I squeezed the armrest and looked out the window
across from me, trying to somehow see the wind that was causing the ruckus.
36
Ch. v
LIvE LIKE A LION
Quit being a baby. The lady sitting next to me was looking at me amused
with a half-cocked grin on her face. I laughed and said, What? Put your big
boy pants on, youll be fine. She was slouched back in her chair, completely
relaxed, with her knee posted on the seat in front of her. Despite being in her
50s, she was chewing gum rapidly and smirking like an arrogant teenager. I
liked her immediately. We ended up talking, and during our conversation I
found out that she was a very successful sales manager for one of the worlds
biggest pharmaceutical companies. She was also a hockey coach. Right as we
touched down I asked her, Whats the secret for coaching people successfully?
She said, Coaching hockey players in a match is like mentoring people in life.
You cant prevent or control the fights, but you can prepare people for them.
You have to be hard as a nail, and you have to really care too.
TURN SHEEP INTO WOLVES, NOT BETTER SHEEP

Tough love is, and always will be, the most effective means of developing
leadership qualities in another person. True leaders strive to transform sheep
into wolves, not better sheep. Metamorphosis is the goal, not management. The
problem is that far too many bosses, managers, coaches and mentors put all of
their efforts into keeping their protgs dependent on them. Instead of inspiring
you to action, they want to control your actions. Instead of showing you how
to help yourself, they want to keep you helpless. This unhealthy dynamic is also
very common in personal relationships.
False leaders keep other people dependent on them for two reasons. First, they
are terrified that your influence will surpass their influence. Little people cannot
stomach the idea of developing others beyond their own greatness. Second, false
leaders are afraid of conflict. Most people would rather hold someones hand
and comfort him as an unconditional friend than be frank and set him straight.
Saying a few nice words is easier than shaking things up. True leaders do not
want to limit other peoples influence. And true leaders do not want other peoples
enjoyment to depend on how much they are enjoying life. They are willing to
37
Ch. v
LIvE LIKE A LION
be tough and tell you exactly what you need to do to reposition yourself for
personal and professional success. They are willing to be tough, but fair.
When I was in high school, I went to the 28-Day J. Robinson Intensive Wrestling
Camp solely because it had the reputation of having the meanest coaches and
counselors. The camp fills every spot, every year, and has done so for over
30 years. I went through 4 grueling workouts a day led by the most callous
and coldblooded people I had ever met. And when it was over when I had
finished the 15-mile graduation run I gave my biggest thank-you hugs to
the counselors that treated me the worst. Deep down I knew that the harshest
counselors were the ones that cared the most about me. They were completely
engaged in developing others. It takes fortitude, foresight and determination to
stretch people past their own self-imposed limits.
A true leader works to make himself replaceable. At least in the eyes of his protg.
As mentor, your goal should be to create leaders, not followers. There are five
keys to doing this. First, you must paint a crystal clear picture of what you want,
then disappear. The average manager creates a pencil sketch of what she wants
done, bombards her employees with an onslaught of minute tasks, and confines
the means by which they are allowed to accomplish each one. Instead, show your
subordinates exactly what success looks like. Create a vivid picture that will inspire
and focus them. Then vanish. Dont micromanage and dont handhold.
Second, you have to stop fearing other peoples strengths. Holding other people
back takes more work than pushing both them and yourself forward. Moreover,
being in a leadership position and using your influence to limit other peoples
success is pure evil. Stop being afraid. A leaders legacy is defined by the victories
of her protgs. Third, you need to resist the pull of destructive emotions. Your
goal is to be as hardhearted as possible against negative and weak feelings,
while supporting and amplifying positive, strong feelings. If your subordinate
breaks mentally and gives up, whines, or cries ignore it. Likewise, if they get
heated or resentful do nothing. Do not take it personally. Battle the urge to
respond to destructive emotions. Allowing someone to cry on your shoulder or
38
Ch. v
LIvE LIKE A LION
firing back an angry insult is soft and selfish. Instead, help other people channel
their frustrations into being productive and becoming more self-reliant.
The fourth key to turning people into strong leaders is to inspire them, not
threaten them. Being a tough but fair is a delicate art. Its like walking a tight
rope strung across someone elses soul. Every step you take on the rope sharpens
him, but if you fall, you crush his spirit completely. Use inspiration as your
balance bar. Be tough, but be encouraging. Finally, communicate what youre
doing. The fifth key to creating leaders and not follows is to tell them exactly
what youre doing. Dont keep the fact that you are developing people a secret.
Theres a big difference between being a hard-ass and just being an ass. You
can have zero tolerance for failure and excuses, and connect with and care
about someone at the same time. Communication bridges the gap between
tough and love. Explain why you are being harsh and how it is going to help.
Impart everything you have to offer so that you are no longer needed. That is
the goal of a true leader.
REFUSE TO MAKE CRITICAL LEADERSHIP MISTAKES

The first mistake emotionally intelligent leaders should avoid is being optimistic
without being aggressive. Platitudes and happy thoughts dont make people
stronger. Getting your ass handed to you, learning from it, and going back for
more makes you stronger. In The Survivors Club, author Ben Sherwood reveals
that optimistic people people who hope for the best but dont take action
are the first to die when stranded at sea or imprisoned in war camps. On the
other hand, people he describes as fighters and information seekers survive the
longest. These fighters and seekers arent cynical; theyre obsessively hopeful.
But theyre also ruthlessly realistic. Most importantly, they measure their
results and adjust course in response to their measurements. Theres nothing
corny about being hopeful. The key is to create a vision for what you want
and then to get to work forcing your vision into existence. You can keep your
head in the clouds but dont forget to get your hands dirty.
39
Ch. v
LIvE LIKE A LION
The second mistake is always asking for opinions. I like watching creative
people accept awards. Every now and then theyll give you a glimpse into
their creative process, including how they stay inspired and keep coming up
with cool ideas. One of my favorite acceptance speeches was given by Quentin
Tarantino at the 2013 Golden Globe Awards when he won Best Screenplay
for Django Unchained. During the speech, he thanked his group of friends
for listening to him talk out his ideas for different movie scenes without
them offering any advice or feedback whatsoever. According to Tarantino,
this process allows him to hear his ideas through other peoples ears without
getting his ideas contaminated. He went on to say that his process encourages
him more than anything else he does. In the same way, you should constantly
externalize your goals and the overall vision you have for your life. But, when
you do, dont expect other people to validate you. And dont ask for their
opinions. This will help you keep your edge. Too many opinions have a way
of turning a hard purpose into a soft and shifty wish.
The third mistake emotionally intelligent leaders must avoid is being vulnerable
without being confident. There are limits to how vulnerable you should be.
Too much vulnerability, by itself, turns people into crybabies. If you talk
about your feelings without following it up fairly quickly with action, youre
wasting your time (and everyone elses time). A better goal is to be authentic.
Authenticity is a combination of vulnerability and confidence. Its not an easy
combination to pull off. It might take you a little time to figure out the best
course of action, but your goal should always be to move from thinking and
feeling to action as quickly as possible.
The fourth mistake is relying too much on other people. The Universe trends
towards disorder. Things dont just happen. Nothing magically falls into place.
Anything left to chance will go wrong. Other people will not act on your
behalf or promote your interests without reason. And this is all great news. It
means that life is 100% fair. If you want something done right, do it yourself.
If you want someone to do something for you, give him or her a real reason
to do it. Pay them or appeal to their self-interest in some other way. Create
40
Ch. v
LIvE LIKE A LION
order. Control everything you can or get someone else to control it for you.
Ignore everything you cant control but realize that you can usually control
more than you think.
The fifth mistake is caring what others think of you. I read the book The
Fountainhead in college, and theres this great scene where a character named
Ellsworth Toohey, after spending several years trying to destroy the reputation
of a brilliant architect named Howard Roark, finally meets Roark face-to-face.
When they meet, Toohey says, Why dont you tell me what you think of me?
In any words you wish. No one will hear us. But I dont think of you. The
end. That was Roarks only reply. Toohey spent his life obsessing over Roark
and trying to destroy him. But Roark hardly even knew that Toohey existed.
Roark was too focused on his own life and his own goals.
The sixth mistake emotionally intelligent leaders must avoid is toning down
their personalities. Having a big ego is not necessarily a bad thing. Your ego
is really just your sense of self. Its your identity. With this definition, you
should have a very strong ego. The problem is that most people have a very
weak sense of self but they have a very strong desire to look good and be cool.
If you spend all of your time trying to be cool, youll never have an impact.
Instead of focusing on being cool, focus on finding your purpose in life. Then
turn that purpose into an actionable message that other people can relate too.
Yes, your message should be bigger than yourself. But if its not, dont tone
down your personality, tone up your message.
The seventh mistake to avoid is leading from the front or behind. Emotionally
intelligent leaders lead by example. They lead with, not against. The key
to leading by example is not acting better than the people youre leading.
Make it your mission to bring people to your current position. And resist
the temptation to hold them back when they catch up with you. Instead of
holding people back or pushing them forward, lead from the side.
The eighth mistake emotionally intelligent leaders should avoid is being soft.
41
Ch. v
LIvE LIKE A LION
Its easy to jump onto the soft side of helping others. After all, its the in thing
to do. Its politically correct. Today, everyone goes on and on about being
positive, sharing feelings, and writing down how much they love themselves
and humanity. Helping people requires realism. This means telling real stories
and tapping into your masculine side, not just your feminine side. Everyone
has both, but when it comes to self-help, most people make the mistake of
being too feminine. Try butching it up a bit. Your influence as a leader will
go a lot further if you play to both sides.
42
CHAPTER VI
AvOID
DREAM-KILLERs,
ATTRACT
ACTION-TAKERs
Stop letting people who do so little for you control

so much of your mind, feelings, and emotions.
~ Will Smith
43
Ch. vI
AvOID DREAM-KILLERs, ATTRACT ACTION-TAKERs
In 7th grade the most popular clothing brands were Mossimo and No Fear. These
brands were popular because they were high priced and only available at these
specialty skater-type stores. Oh, and those Adidas Samba shoesthey were really
popular too. Only the coolest kids wore Mossimo T-shirts and Samba shoes. I
wore crap. My family didnt have a lot of money when I was in middle school
and my wardrobe consisted of three cheap flea-market shirts, the kind that have
a dragon or three wolves howling at the moon on the front, and a pair of K-Mart
jeans with holes in the knees. I did my best rotating the shirts so it looked like
I had a different one to wear every day dragon on Monday, three wolves on
Tuesday, free 7-UP T-shirt from the grocery store on Wednesday, then dragon
again on Thursday and so on. But one day I got called on it.
This kid in my social studies class asked me really loudly before the teacher came
in, Isaiah, didnt you wear that shirt this week already? Gulp. I shook my head.
Then he took out a piece of paper documenting what I had worn that week.
Monday: dragon. Tuesday: three wolves. Wednesday: 7-Up, Thursday: dragon.
I remember everyone, especially the popular girls, being silent and just looking
at my shirt. It was clean though. Really. I swear. You know when people say they
felt 2-inches tall? I didnt feel that way but I felt like I didnt exist. Or maybe I felt
like I didnt want to exist. And then I felt angry. I wanted revenge. I spent the rest
of the year committed to getting back at that kid. I was so obsessed with him that
my grades started to suffer. Then we got in a fight and were both suspended. The
ironic thing is I still only have 3 T-shirts.
Life is full of rotten people who want nothing more than to take you off track.
Usually, you can avoid these people without really trying. But once you start taking
action to make your life better once you start being a leader these people will
come out of the woodwork. By stepping away from the herd, you expose not only
yourself, you also expose the people in the herd that are sitting on the sidelines
of their own lives. Many of these people will take action to pull you back into the
herd. This is called crab syndrome, or crab mentality. If you catch a crab and put
him into a lidless bucket, he will climb out and escape. But if you put two or more
crabs in a bucket together, as soon as one tries to climb out, the others will grab
44
Ch. vI
the escaping crab by the legs and pull him back down. This process gets repeated
over and over and no crab ever escapes. The only way to keep your focus and keep
moving forward is to never get in the bucket with the other crabs in the first place.
To do this, you have to learn to identify crabby people as quickly as possible. To
date, there are 22 different types of crabs 14 youll see in your personal life and 8
youll see in your professional life. These people will kill your dreams and keep you
from being an emotionally intelligent leader. When you spot one of these people,
do not waste your time trying to change them. Instead, avoid them completely.
CUT NEGATIVE PEOPLE OUT OF YOUR PERSONAL LIFE

The first type of person you should avoid is the Siren. Sirens are those amazing,
beautiful, and brilliant people who you occasionally come across in life and
become completely enchanted with. More than anyone else, these people have
a way of stealing your focus and throwing you way off track. In The Odyssey,
Book XII, Homer tells the story of Odysseus return from Aeaea, a mythological
island that the sorceress Circe lived on. Before leaving the island, Circe warned
Odysseus about one of the obstacles that he would come across on his journey
the island of the Sirens. He was warned not to listen to the Sirens song. So,
Odysseus ordered his men to stuff their ears with wax and tie him to the mast
of his ship. As the ship sailed past the island, Odysseus heard the Sirens song.
The song was so seductive that he begged to be released. A lot of promising
futures have been sacrificed to Sirens. Some people dropout of school or quit
a job they love to be closer to a Siren. Others get hooked on celebrity gossip
or get lured into a get-rich-quick schemes. Everything that glitters isnt always
gold. Most shiny things are just distractions. Dont let an amazing person
make you forget that you have something amazing to offer the world too.
The second type of person to avoid is the Martyr. I once had dinner with a selfmade millionaire who spent the entire night telling me that ambition was evil
and that I should tone myself down. Two weeks later she opened another store
and bought a new Porsche Cayenne SUV. Historically, the word martyr has
45
Ch. vI
been used to describe people who suffer persecution and death for advocating,
or refusing to renounce, a particular belief. The modern definition of a martyr
is someone who preaches self-sacrifice and plays the victim card in order to
gain influence over people. Modern-day Martyrs will come into your life every
now and then and try to control you with guilt. They will position themselves
on the moral high ground and use obligation to get you to do what they want.
Be especially cautious of people who try to make you feel responsible for their
happiness. No one is responsible for someone elses happiness.
The third type of person emotionally intelligent leaders avoid is the Goat. Goats
are those wildly charismatic, big-talking, and full-of-luck people who seem
to get away with everything. These people have many strengths, and, they are
extremely devious. Goats love to sabotage other peoples goals. They may seem
slippery or chaotic but they are in fact very sure footed and know exactly what
theyre doing. Goats symbolize creativity, vitality, and evil all at the same time.
In nature, goats are sure-footed animals who are more at home on dangerous
mountain tops than on flat ground. They survive by being agile and creative. In
Greek mythology, the god Pan is shaped like a goat and is known for his virility
and ability to regenerate. In many religions, including Judaism and Christianity,
the goat symbolizes a fallen angel a demon. Together, this is a dangerous
combination. Goats have little ambition beyond convincing others to make
bad decisions. If you find yourself constantly making bad decisions every time
youre around someone in particular, its time to cut them out of your life.
The fourth type of dream-killer to avoid is the Elephant. An elephant never
forgets. Elephants are those people who will never let you live down past
mistakes or past, lowly positions that you once held in life. Elephants will try
to bring you down by tapping into two psychological phenomena: imposture
syndrome and negativity bias . Imposture syndrome is characterized by the
inability to internalize your accomplishments. Its that voice in your head that
creeps up every now and then telling you that youre a phony and its only
a matter of time until people find out. Negativity bias refers to your brains
preference for negative information over positive information. Studies show
46
Ch. vI
that negative information is quickly routed through your amygdala and into
your long-term memory banks while positive information has to be held in
your awareness for more than 12 seconds in order to be stored in your longterm memory banks. Dont let an Elephant pull you back into the past. Keep
moving forward. Meditate on positive information and practice coaching
not criticizing yourself internally.
The fifth type of person you should avoid is the Hater. Haters are people who
want to be on top but dont want to work to get there. Instead, they want to
push everyone else around them down so it will seem like theyre on top. This
is what the kid in the story at the beginning of this post was trying to do
raise himself up. He wanted attention. And keeping track of my wardrobe was
an easier way of getting attention than being an A student or a star athlete.
Haters are losers. But they are also great sources of motivation. The key is to
get back at them in the right way by living the best life possible.
THE NARCISSIST AND THE NEMESIS

The sixth type of person to avoid is the Narcissist. Narcissists are talented
people who are too consumed with themselves to take any action. They are so
concerned with how they look (or might look) that they simply do nothing.
The problem with having these people in your life is that you will be drawn to
them and will want to count on them, but they will never come through for
you. In Metamorphoses, Book III, Ovid tells the story of Narcissus and Echo.
Narcissus, a hunter known for his good looks, walks through the woods when
Echo, a mountain nymph, sees him. Echo falls deeply in love. Narcissus senses
he is being followed and shouts Whos there? Echo repeats Whos there?
Echo eventually reveals her identity and attempts to embrace Narcissus but
he rejects her. Heartbroken, Echo retreats to the mountains and withers away
until only her echo sound remains. Nemesis, the goddess of revenge, hears what
happens to Echo and decides to punish Narcissus by luring him to a pool of
water. Narcissus sees his own reflection in the water and, not realizing its his
47
Ch. vI
own image, falls in love. He lays by the pool looking at himself year after year
until, one day, after realizing that his love will never be returned, he dies. People
who always take and never give or who are too afraid of failure or looking bad
should be avoided. You cant help them and they certainly wont help you.
The seventh dream-killer that emotionally intelligent leaders avoid is the Nemesis.
Weve all met someone who we just cant stand. We do our best but this person
keeps rubbing us the wrong way and, for whatever reason, they stay stuck in our
heads. The Nemesis is this person. You dont like them and they dont like you.
Youre both out to get revenge on each other and you both know it. Over the
years, Ive realized that the people who stick in my head are those who challenge
my ego. Whatever I find annoying in them sheds light on something I either
dont like in myself or something I like too much in myself something like a
skill, talent or personality trait that I see as significant. Either way, the sticky part
of this person is at odds with my identity and the only way to fix it is to turn
the mirror on myself, not them. A Nemesis is nothing more than a distraction.
Competing with other people wont make you better, it will take you off course.
A better strategy is to compete with yourself. This will ensure that you stay
focused on what really mattersyour dreams and your path.
The eighth type of person to avoid is the Ares. Ares-type people love conflict. They
are addicted to drama and to winning at all costs, even if theres nothing to be
won. In Greek mythology, Ares is the god of war. He is the son of Zeus and Hera
and one of the Twelve Olympians. Ares symbolizes violence and barbarism the
sloppy side of war. This is in contrast to Athena who symbolizes strategy and military
command. A recent study found that ignoring confrontational, Ares-types increased
the ignorers intelligence and productivity. Researchers examined 120 participants
who were asked to talk with or ignore offensive people. After four minutes of
interacting with these people, each participant was given a thought exercise that
required good concentration. The participants who ignored the offensive people
performed better on the thought exercises than the participants who engaged with
the offensive people. Any time spent trying to correct or even understand an Ares
is a waste of time. You are better off ignoring these people altogether.
48
Ch. vI
The ninth dream-killer is the Dionysus. I moved from Spokane, WA to Lancaster,

PA for college. It took me a while to make friends. I spent most of my first year
locked in my room studying. Well, the door wasnt always locked. Sometimes I
would leave it open, hoping to see one of the girls on my hall walk by in a towel.
The point is I didnt get out much. But I got straight As. My sophomore year I
moved in with a bunch of guys who partied. Hard. By the end of the first semester
I was staying out with them until 4AM, going to Waffle House at 5AM, and finally
going to sleep at 6AM. I started skipping a lot of my 9AM and 10AM classes. I also
started taking a lot of 2-hour naps in the middle of the day. My grades plummeted.
It took me an entire year to recover my GPA. Dionysus is the Greek god of wine,
parties, and pleasure. Dionysus-types are pleasure seekers who have very little
patience for anything other than instant gratification. Be careful when letting these
people into your life because base pleasure of any kind is both addictive and timeconsuming. Of course, its important to have friends and have fun, but you should
never sacrifice your biggest dreams to a string of late nights.
BLACK CATS, FAT CATS, AND WHITE WHALES

The tenth type of person you should avoid is the Black Cat. Some people can
walk into a room and light it up, others walk in and kill it. Black Cats are the
latter. They are those people who seem to have a dark cloud following them
everywhere they go. These people are unlucky, negative, and always depressed.
Black cats are bad for your health. Research shows that being exposed to too
much negativity peels away neurons in your hippocampus, the part of your
brain responsible for problem solving. This means that negative people literally
rot your brain. Dont feel bad for these people. Odds are, they like sitting in the
pits. They like the attention it gives them. So, let them sit.
The eleventh type of person you should avoid is the Fat Cat. The summer after my
senior year of college I was working as a waiter and getting ready to go to graduate
school. I ended up waiting on the table of two multi-millionaire entrepreneurs
who I sweet-talked into hiring me for a research assistant position. Within three
49
Ch. vI
months they moved me to a different state and set me up in a penthouse with a new
car and a new wardrobe. But, it came at a price. All of my free time disappeared
and my personal dreams started to disappear too. It wasnt their fault. My dreams
were just different. So I jumped ship. Fat Cats are those people who will come
into your life and sweep you off your feet. They will show you a world you never
seen and youll be too awestruck (or maybe dumbstruck) to determine if its really
right for you. Just dont stay dumbstruck for too long. Make sure youre always
flying towards your own dreams, even when youre flying high. After all, youre
not really flying high if someone else is holding the kite string.
The twelfth dream-killer that emotionally intelligent leaders avoid is the White
Whale. Its healthy to look up to other people. Success leaves clues and if you find
someone who has everything you want then by all means you should learn from
them. But, you shouldnt chase them. In the book Moby Dick, Herman Melville
tells the story of Captain Ahab and his pursuit of a ferocious, elusive, and giant
white whale. The whale, Moby Dick, is Ahabs Nemesis. The story is narrated by
a character named Ishmael who meticulously describes Captain Ahabs voyage on
the whale ship Pequod. The entire book is about Ahabs obsession with conquering
Moby Dick and everything that goes into doing this. But, by the end of the book
(spoiler alert), Ahab and most of his crew die. They are killed by the white whale.
Eventually, someone will come into your life who you see as a hero or an idol.
Youll want to be them, or at least be like them. If you let this obsession go too
far, youll spend your entire life chasing after them. This is a mistake. You should
never sacrifice who you are to the impossible future of being someone else.
The thirteenth type of person to avoid is the Mooch. The Mooch is a needy,
melancholy person who manipulates you into acting on their behalf. These people
will put you on a pedestal just so they can beg at your feet. Mooches love acting
like they need to be saved and that youre the only person who can save them.
They will constantly seek out your help and attention. And then, when you cant
help them, theyll act like Martyrs and Black Cats. A cold heart is the only cure for
a Mooch. You have to stop helping them. Otherwise, you will become their crutch
and make it that much harder for them to stand on their own.
50
Ch. vI
The fourteenth type is the Looter. In graduate school, my mentor would try to use
threats to motivate me and other people in the lab. Hed yell things like, Do this
now or Im writing a letter to your Department! Or hed shout, Im the boss!
which sounded more like a plea for help than a threat. Looters are people who
try to make you do things by force. At the core of a looter is a bully, or maybe
someone who was bullied and now wants to get revenge on their past by being a
bully. Looters are only really a problem when they have power over you, like when
theyre your boss, teacher, or some other gatekeeper. You should always stand up
to the Looters in your life. Set firm boundaries right away and dont give them an
inch. If you give an inch, theyll take a mile. Keep them at a distance and then sit
back and watch them self-destruct.
DELETE NEGATIVE PEOPLE FROM

YOUR PROFESSIONAL LIFE
The first type of person you should avoid in your professional life is the Clown.
Clowns are bold, witty, and full of energy. They have a lot of ideas and are
constantly popping off at the mouth. The problem is these people use their wit
and charisma to push others down. Clowns are manipulative and mocking. If
someone you spend a lot of time with is always making fun of other people,
guess what, theyre probably making fun of you behind your back too. Kick
these people out of your life. Youll be better off for it.
The second type of dream-killer is the Mystic. Mystics promote visions that
makes people feel good but are not at all based on reality. These people will tell
you that you dont need a purpose in life and that the Universe will take care
of you as long as you relax, have fun, and always be nice. Of course, having fun
and being nice are important, but they are not a complete recipe for success or
fulfillment. If you want the best things in life if you want to be able to take care
of yourself and your family for a long time to come youll need to fight for it.
The ironic thing is that most mystics are people who have worked exceptionally
hard in the past to build a large platform and to achieve financial independence.
51
Ch. vI
But now, instead of telling others the truth about how they achieved success,
they lie and say that the Universe will just give everyone whatever they want.
Dont buy into this. Its simply a high-level ruse used to hold others back.
The third type of person to avoid is the Magician. Magicians are people who
create fake or inferior products, using smoke and mirrors to sell these products
to the unsuspecting public. Magicians include those people who take someone
elses product or content and pawn it off as their own. Instead of repurposing and
improving the work of others, they simply rebrand and ship it. Magicians worry
about design and style over content and function. Steer clear of these people
in business. They will ruin both your personal and professional reputation.
The fourth type of person that emotionally intelligent leaders avoid is the Guru.
Gurus have a way with words. They can stand in front of an audience and make
everyone stare in awe at their amazing stage presence. These people are great
communicators and influencers. The problem is that theyre communicating
pure fluff. Nothing they say is concrete or actionable. Todays world is full of all
kinds of gurus and life coaches. Be careful to keep the fluffy ones out of your
life. Theyll distract you, take your money, and leave you right where you were.
The fifth type of person you should avoid is the Pyramid. Pyramids are people
without qualifications who try to sell you something that shows you how to
sell something to someone else. People like this are easy to spot. They usually
have a gigantic online presence and a massive number of followers but are
otherwise unknown. These people sell products and services and tout all kinds
of business and marketing advice. The only problem is they dont have any
kind of actual business experience whatsoever. Instead, they rely completely
on affiliate marketing and self-created informational products for credibility.
Whether someone is trying to sell you a box of jewelry, a makeup kit, or a
timeshare package or an online course or access to an exclusive group
make sure that what youre signing up for is credible. Do your homework and
ensure that all of the people involved in the program have real world experience
in whatever theyre teaching.
52
Ch. vI
The sixth type of person you should avoid is the Siphon. The Siphon is similar to
the Mooch in that they are a on your resources. Siphons will make every part of
your life worse. These people will suck up your time and energy until you have
nothing left. They will ride your coattails and eat away at you simultaneously.
Siphons are exhausting. Dont let guilt and obligation coerce you into keeping
these people in your life. Cut them off. Right now.
The seventh type of person to avoid in your professional life is the Busybody.
Busybodies are extremely organized and detail-oriented. The problem is that
theyre obsessed with the wrong kinds of details. Instead of being focused on
improving professional systems and processes, these people are focused on putting
out fires and perpetuating personal gossip. Busybodies simply cannot shut up
about little, irrelevant details that no one else cares about. Theyre always busy,
but never productive. And they constantly cry about not getting the credit they
deserve. Avoid these people at all costs.
The eighth and final dream-killer to avoid is the Quack. The Quack lacks the patience
and the intelligence to dig deeply into a particular system. Instead of gathering
data and performing actual science, the Quack skims the work of others and uses
pseudoscience to make money off of others. Be wary of people who regurgitate
case studies and scientific experiments, especially if theyve never worked for a
business or performed an actual scientific experiment themselves. Doing some
A/B testing with Google Adwords does not make you a scientist. Neither does
reading a peer-reviewed journal article abstract online. Real scientists and other
high-level professionals have in-depth knowledge of their particular fields, which
allows them to make intricate connections both quickly and correctly. Quacks
cannot do this. Quacks are all show. Stay away from them.
FIGHT TO WORK WITH THE RIGHT PEOPLE

As I walked down the hall to tell the professor in charge, a bunch of excuses
raced through my head. I had just started doing a three-month rotation in
53
Ch. vI
this professors lab, which was something that all first year graduate students
did, and this wasnt the best start. When I told him what happened, he paused,
looked me dead in the eyes, and said dryly, Perhaps, in the future, you
might want to be more careful when handling your spermatozoa. I started
laughing. He smirked, told me it was okay, and helped me map out a plan
for repeating the experiment the following week. I spent as much time as I
could around this professor throughout my graduate school career. His wit
energized and entertained me and his detailed knowledge-base helped me
stay focused and organized.
Sometimes its hard figuring out who is good for you and who is bad for
you. You might think that staying away from negative people is enough to be
successful, but its not. You also have to surround yourself with people who
will bring out the best in you people who you can learn from and who have
strengths that you dont. The key to being an emotionally intelligent leader
is knowing which types of people to invite into your professional life. When
it comes to advancing your career, there are eight people you should stay as
close to as possible. The first type of person is the Firecracker. Firecrackers
are witty, charismatic, and always full of ideas. They have tons of energy and
are always popping off at the mouth. At first glance, you might mistakenly
label a Firecracker as arrogant or rude. But, in reality, these people are
incredibly good-hearted and always want to bring out the best in others.
Sure, they are feisty, bold, and quick to challenge you, but they do so in a fun
and encouraging way. Keep firecrackers close to you. These people will help
you stay energized and present. They will make you think and will help you
slowly chip away at all of your limiting beliefs. In business, Firecrackers add
incredible value to any sales and marketing team. Dont worry about these
people ruining your professional reputation. They are exactly what you need
to keep your products and services fresh and exciting.
The second type of person to keep close to you professionally is the Oracle.
Oracles are those rare, intelligent people who can see the end from the
beginning. They are visionaries who live rich internal lives and who can look
54
Ch. vI
at everything from a birds eye view. In ancient Greece, Dodona was the oldest
and wisest Oracle. She was commonly consulted by private citizens who had
personal problems and was thought to speak through the rustling of oak leaves
at a secluded site in Northwestern Greece. Ancient citizens would scratch their
questions on lead tablets and receive a simple yes or no answer from three
priestesses who represented the Dodona. Modern day Oracles, like Steve Jobs
or Larry Page and Sergey Brin, are very similar to their ancient counterparts.
Very often, they are loners with introverted personalities who predict (or
change) the course of humanity with their long-term mindsets. If you have
big goals for your life, make sure you surround yourself with as many oracles
as possible and consult with them frequently.
The third type of person emotionally intelligent leaders surround themselves with
is the Wizard. If Steve Jobs was the oracle at Apple, then Steve Wozniak was the
Wizard. Wizards are innovators. They are the scientists, engineers, and architects
behind the worlds most amazing inventions. These people do the most difficult
thing in the world: create something from nothing. No matter what youre trying
to build, wizards will help you build it better and faster. Wizards make up the
brilliant R&D, programming, and design teams at the worlds top companies.
Without wizards, all ideas would waste away.
The fourth type of person to invite into your professional life is the Linguist.
Linguists are people who excel at wordplay. They are able to organize their thoughts
into oral and written forms of communication to motivate, entertain, and teach
other people. Linguistics is the study of language form, meaning, and context.
P ini was the worlds first known Linguist. He was a Sanskrit grammarian from
ancient India whose earliest work dates back to 500 BCE. In particular, P ini
was responsible for formulating the 3,959 rules of Sanskrit, creating a type of
grammar known as Ashtadhyayi. Modern day Linguists are authors, bloggers,
public speakers, columnists, scientific writers, and communicators of all types.
You might be tempted to take these people for granted, especially in todays world
where content has become a commodity. This is a mistake. Whoever creates the
stickiest content, controls the conversation. From memes to mission statements
55
Ch. vI
to memos, communication is what keeps ideas, product, services and actions on

the top of peoples minds and at the tip of their tongues. In business, the best
communicators are always hired first. Interpersonal skills are more important than
any other skill and can literally double your value to any company. If you lack this
skillset, surround yourself with people who have it and learn from them.
WHY YOU NEED CONNECTORS,

BATTERING RAMS, AND HACKERS
The fifth type of person you should surround yourself with is the Connector.
Connectors are those people who have dipped into a vast array of diverse
groups. Connectors know people from businesses or from parts of the world
that youve never even heard of. In college, one of my friends used to always
tell me, Its better to have 100 friends than 100 dollars. I thought he was an
idiot. Give me the 100 bucks! I used to tell him. After all, I was a scientist and
a wrestlerboth of which relied heavily on self-reliance and individualism.
Eventually, I realized that connecting with others and working with them
towards a shared goal is the only way to make really big things happen. I also
learned that connecting with others can be a lot of fun. When you get stuck in
life, its the Connector who will know the perfect person to help you get unstuck.
Stay close to the connectors in your life. They make incredible managers. They
also throw the best parties.
The sixth type of person that emotionally intelligent leaders recruit into their
lives is the Battering Ram. Battering Rams are entrepreneurs in the purest sense.
They are gladiators who can get beat down again and again and again and keep
coming back for more. During the Iron Age, a Battering Ram was a siege engine
designed to break open city walls and other fortifications during siege warfare.
In ancient Middle Eastern and Mediterranean regions, Battering Rams consisted
of large logs that were slung across giant wheeled frames and tied down by
massive ropes or chains. The head of these Rams were usually reinforced with
metal heads or caps while vulnerable parts of each shaft were bound with metal
56
Ch. vI
bands. In todays world, a Battering Ram is a misfit who refuses to hesitate when
faced with failure, insult, or isolation. Two often misunderstood characteristics
of these people are their intense energy levels and their confident, borderline
arrogant, demeanor. Dont misunderstand the Battering Rams in your life. Their
intensity and overconfidence are simply the reinforcements they need to stay
strong while they are bashing against the walls of new frontiers. If you find
yourself lacking initiative in any way, start surrounding yourself with as many
Battering Rams as possible. These people know how to execute and will get a
job done no matter how many walls are in their way.
The seventh type of person to invite into your life is the Encyclopedia. Encyclopedias
are exceptionally structured and exquisitely detail oriented. These people excel in
implementing and sustaining professional systems and processes. They are the
oil that keeps all organizations running smoothly. Growing up, I used to go with
my Dad to the school he taught at after hours to play in the gym while he graded
papers. After arriving, my Dad would circle the halls and have a 5-10 minute
conversation with each and every custodian or secretary still left in the building.
One time I asked him why he went out of this way to talk to all of these people. He
said for two reasons: one, the custodians have all the keys, and two, the secretaries
control all of the paperwork. I didnt understand him then but I understand him
now. Encyclopedias are the easiest people to take for granted. They operate under
the radar and take care of very tactical operations. But, they are still incredibly
important. To understand just how important these people are, compare your worst
customer service experience to your best customer service experience. The difference
between the two is nothing more than the operating procedures maintained by the
Encyclopedias at each respective company. Sure, management creates a vision for
what the customers experience should be. But its the Encyclopedias who will ensure
that the vision is carried out correctly. If details put you to sleep, then you need to
get an Encyclopedia in your life as soon as possible. Encyclopedias will keep you
organized and help you hit the tactical benchmarks that you might be overlooking.
The eighth and final type of person that emotionally intelligent leaders surround
themselves with is the Hacker. Hackers are half Oracle and half Encyclopedia.
57
Ch. vI
They are able to see both the overall vision for a business, as well as the processes
that keep the vision in place. Hackers are those people who can deconstruct
these processes, test each piece individually, and then put the best components
back together to create better vision for the future. How did Twitter become
so popular during the meteoric rise of Facebook? When it began, Twitter was
simply a way to tell the people following you, in 140 characters, what you were
doing. But Facebook already had a status bar, right? Twitters success stems
from the fact that it was able to hack out the best part of Facebook, improve
it, and repackage it. As a result, they now dominate the status update market.
Hackers are scientists. They create paradigm shifts by testing different parts of a
process over and over again until every piece is optimized. If you dont have the
time to test the various parts of your business or life, then start making friends
with some hackers. The amount of time and energy these people can save you
is incredible. If youre not hacking, youre slipping.
58
CHAPTER VII
MAsTER ThE ART

OF DEFIANCE
You must blow against the walls of every

power that exists with the small
trumpet of your defiance.
~ Norman Mailer
59
Ch. vII
MAsTER ThE ART OF DEFIANCE
After high school, Steven Spielberg got his start in the film industry by sneaking
into Universal Studios, commandeering61 an unoccupied office, and introducing
himself as a producer on movie sets. By the age of 30, Spielberg had directed
two of the top-grossing films of all time: Jaws and Close Encounters of the Third
Kind. Bill Gates created a computer program that allowed him to tamper with
his high schools scheduling system. Gates put himself in classes with hot girls
and removed himself from Friday classes altogether. He is now worth over 70
billion dollars. Warren Buffet tried to write off his bicycle as a tax deduction
for delivering papers at the age of 13. Buffet is worth 60 billion.
Emotionally intelligent leaders are defiant. A 37-year longitudinal study that
followed 1,000 schoolchildren62 from the age of 10 to adulthood found that kids
who did things like got traffic tickets, got in fights, cheated on tests, skipped
school, partied, defied their parents, and quit their jobs were much more likely to
start their own successful businesses as adults. Another study by researchers out
of UC Berkeleys Haas School of Business confirmed that defiant people are more
likely to be successful entrepreneurs63. And successful entrepreneurs comprise the
largest groups of millionaires in America and most of the world. In the book, No
More Dreaded Mondays, Dan Miller shows that self-employed people make up
less than 20% of the workers in America but account for almost three-fourths
of the millionaires. Business owners, including online business owners, comprise
74% of all millionaires in America. Senior Executives, such as company CEOs
and CFOs like Jack Welch make up 10%. Doctors, lawyers, and other people with
advanced degrees make up another 10%. Salespeople and consultants make up
5% and the remaining 1% belongs to stockbrokers, inventors, actors, directors,
authors, songwriters, athletes, and lottery winners.
THE BENEFITS OF LIVING LIFE ON YOUR OWN TERMS

Emotionally intelligent leaders choose to live life on their own terms. They choose
to stick out, not fit in. If you do this right, youll reap a lot of rewards. First, youll
have better friendships. Im not friends with a lot of the kids I went to college with
60
Ch. vII
anymore, mostly because we were never really friends. We were fake friends. They
only liked me when I acted like them. When you choose to be yourself and stick
out, youll attract friends who are like youthe real you. And youll be friends
with them for life because youll like all of the same things and have all of the
same goals. Sure, I still find myself chasing someone elses friendship every now
and then. But then Ill notice what Im doing pretty quickly and stop. There are 7
billion people on the planetwhy chase a few just because they dont like you?
Second, youll get bigger paychecks. It seems like everyone is calling themselves
an entrepreneur these days. But in reality, only about 13% of the population64
is involved in a real startup. Yet, this population accounts for 74% of all
millionaires. If you work really hard for someone else and do your best every
day to fit in at the office you might be lucky enough to one day make a 6-figure
salary. But if you have bigger dreams if you ever want to make 7-figures
or more, then you better stop doing what youre told and start sticking out.
Third, youll get promoted faster. People who have enough self-confidence to
stand alone climb the corporate ladder faster. Recall the study involving 242
MBA students from Chapter 2. The study found that a personality trait called
self-efficacy, or a do-it-myself attitude, sets people apart from their lower
performing peers. Self-efficacy is the belief that you are able to accomplish a
particular goal on your own. By being an emotionally intelligent leader, your
levels of self-efficacy will continue to climb.
The fourth advantage of being an emotionally intelligent leader is youll have more
customers. Fitting-in is bad for business. The more you try to make your product
like other peoples products, or the more you try to make a product for everyone,
the less it will sell. Youll have fewer customers because youre product wont offer
anything different or new. Misfit products are those that dont fit into the mass
market. They offer massive value but only to a few individuals. Your goal should
be to dominate a tiny niche market and grow out. Dont try to spread yourself
out over every market and grow in. It doesnt work. The only way to own a niche
market is to stand out from the rest of the market. This means creating misfit
products and testing and iterating them until you find misfit buyers.
61
Ch. vII
The fifth advantage is having more time. Time is money. But most people treat
their time and money very differently. They put their money in a bank and guard
it fiercely but freely give away their time to just about anyone. Protect your time.
Take five minutes right now to calculate what an hour of your time is worth.
Start with how much you get paid per hour at your current job. Then add at
least 10% on top of that. 10% is the bare minimum you should want to increase
your income by this time next year. Write down your number and keep it in
mind whenever someone asks you to do something for them or whenever you
feel like being lazy and watching trash TV for an hour. Is watching two Pawn
Stars reruns worth $40? Is it even worth $20?
The sixth advantage is increased adaptation. Emotionally intelligent leaders adapt
and grow quickly while people in large groups move slowly over the nearest
cliff. Have you ever gone to a meeting with 10 or more people and tried to get
anything done? Its impossible. Swarm-think prevents any useful decisions from
being made. And, even if a large meeting results in a good decision, the inertia
of the group will prevent it from being carried out. Everything will keep moving
in the same direction as before. Its simple physics. Newtons First Law of Motion,
or the Law of Inertia, says (in basic terms) that an object at rest will stay at rest,
forever, as long as nothing pushes or pulls on it and an object in motion will
stay in motion, traveling in a straight line, forever, until something pushes or
pulls on it. In other words, large objects keep doing whatever they were doing
until forced to do otherwise. And the larger the object, or the larger the group,
the more force necessary to make a change.
RISE ABOVE DISTRACTION, OBLIGATION,

AND MOB MENTALITY
The seventh advantage is increased clarity. Mob mentality is dangerous. From 1793
to 1794 a period known as the Reign of Terror occurred in France after the onset of
the French Revolution where more than 40,000 executions occurred, most of them
by guillotine. All of this was caused by a conflict between rival political factions,
62
Ch. vII
the Girondins and the Jacobins. Conspiracy theories led to false accusations led to
mass executions of anyone marked as a counterrevolutionary. People were beat in
public, shot by firing squads, weighed down with cement and tossed from boats,
and more. In 1692 a couple of girls started having fits, diving under furniture,
and contorting their bodies in pain. The childrens parents blamed this behavior
on specific women, or witches in Salem. After a doctor confirmed that the girls
were possessed, the women were classified as witches and town officials arrested
them. More and more suspected witches were arrested based on stupid things like
having a mole or blemish or keeping a bottle of medicine in their bathrooms.
Altogether, 150 people were imprisoned, 25 were killed, including 19 who were
hanged, 5 who died in prison, and one man who was crushed by heavy stones.
In both cases, the violence was driven by the dull and reactive thinking of a large
group. Conforming activates the reward centers of our brains, which encourages
us to fit in more. If left unchecked, this can be a deadly cycle.
The eighth advantage is better brainpower. Based on prior experience and patterns
of response, the human brain predicts what will happen in a certain situation.
If the actual outcome of the situation is different from what the brain predicted,
an error occurs. This is called a prediction error65. Prediction errors teach the
brain how to respond better. The problem is that group opinions can initiate
prediction errors in your brain, even when the opinions are wrong. And these
false positives can confuse and de-energize your brain. Brain imaging66 studies
found that conflicts between the opinion of an individual and the opinion of
a group initiate a long-term conforming response in the brain. This response is
characterized by increased activity in the nucleus accumbens, the part of the
brain that monitors behavioral outcomes, and the rostral cingulate zone, the part
of the brain that anticipates rewards. When you see a group of people behaving
one way, your brain is going to try to conform. You can override this response
but it takes a lot of energy to do so. The only way to prevent the response from
happening altogether is to remove yourself from the group.
The ninth advantage is increased productivity. Research67 shows that incentives
reduce intrinsic motivation and creativity. For example, people who are offered
63
Ch. vII
$100 to solve a word puzzle will take longer than people who are offered no
money and solve it solely because they are interested. But cash isnt the only
incentive that hampers creativity. Group approval is an incentive. And like other
incentives, it will reduce your creativity. Creativity requires being novel, or
doing something in a new and improved way. Its impossible to create something
that stands out while simultaneously trying to make it fit into what you think
other people want. Similar research68 shows that working in groups can cause
individual creativity to suffer because each person will subconsciously ride on
the efforts of the group as a whole. The best way to keep your creative edge is to
be a misfit. You should only ask for feedback once you have finished creating a
draft on your own. And even then, listen selectively. Dont create out of a desire
to please others and dont rely on a group to help you be more creative.
The tenth advantage of being an emotionally intelligent leader is having less
obligations. Obligation is the currency of fitting in. The only way to conform to a
group is to become more obligated to it. This is based on the norm of reciprocity,
which assumes that people in a group will respond favorably to each other by
returning benefits for benefits, and will respond with either indifference or
hostility to being harmed. The more the group lets you in, the more you have to
do for the group. On a long enough timeline, youll become so obligated to the
group that refusing to give more will disrupt your biology. Studies69 show that
inhibitory processing, or refusing to reciprocate, can result in increased heart
rate variability and spastic prefrontal cortex activity. Once you start fitting in,
it can be really hard to get out. Misfits have more freedom because they arent
being pulled in a thousand different directions trying to please everyone.
64
CHAPTER VIII
LIFELONG
LEADERshIp
Live as if you were to die tomorrow.

Learn as if you were to live forever.
~ Mahatma Gandhi
65
Ch. vIII
LIFELONG LEADERshIp
Leaders never stop learning. Theres always some new and improved way of
living some new process that will change how people connect with each other,
conduct business, and partake in diversion. Make a decision to seek out this
new knowledge daily. Pursue new processes with fervor. This will keep you in a
position of leadership for a long time to come.
At the same time, commit to practicing timeless principles of leadership and
emotional intelligence. Processes will change, but principles, like the principles
presented in this book, will never change. The skills you need to master you emotions
and understand the emotions of others will always be the same. Likewise, the skills
you need to positively influence people and situations are constant. You will always
need to rule over your emotions with an iron fist and demand respect for yourself.
You will face challenges every day and each day you will have to decide: will I live
like a lion, or like a sheep? Will I cowboy up, or break down and cry like a baby?
The choice is always yours to make. Take responsibility for these decisions and
surround yourself with people who will empower you to choose wisely. Cut negative
people and bad influences out of your life forever. Refuse to fit in. Defy average
and normal and routine. Choose to go your own way. In this way, you with lead
yourself and others to a life full of happiness, success, and fulfillment.
66
1. Patterson, L. (2010, December 10) Happiness and sadness are contagious: an interview with David Rand.
Earthsky.org. Retrieved July 15, 2014 from http://www.fastcompany.com/1711186/happiness-and-sadness-arecontagious-interview-david-rand
2. Hill, A. L., Rand, D. G., Nowak, M. A., & Christakis, N. A. (2010, December 22). Emotions as infectious
diseases in a large social network: the SISa model. Proceedings of the Royal Society B, 277(1701) 3827-3835.
DOI: 10.1098/rspb.2010.1217
3. Christakis, N. A. & Fowler, J. H. (2007, July 26) The spread of obesity in large social network over 32 years.
New England Journal of Medicine. 357(4): 370-9. DOI: 10.1056/NEJMsa066082
4. Rizzolatti, G. & Craighero, L. (2004, July) The mirror-neuron system. Annual Review of Neuroscience. Vol. 27:
169-192. DOI: 10.1146/annurev.neuro.27.070203.144230
5. Institute of HeartMath (2012, October 8) The energetic heart is unfolding. Articles of the Heart. Retrieved July
15, 2014 from http://www.heartmath.org/free-services/articles-of-the-heart/energetic-heart-is-unfolding.html.
6. McCraty, R., Atkinson, M., Tomasino, D., & Tiller, W. A. (n.d.) The electricity of touch: detection and
measurement of cardiac energy exchange between people. Retrieved July 15, 2014 from http://www.
heartmath.org/templates/ihm/downloads/pdf/research/publications/electricity-of-touch.pdf
7. National Public Radio (2010, May 7) Study suggests hand washing cleanses the mind. Talk of the Nation.
8. Derbyshire, D. (2010, June 28) Why sitting on a hard chair makes you a better haggler. Mail Online. Retrieved
July 15, 2014 from http://www.dailymail.co.uk/sciencetech/article-1289463/Why-sitting-hard-chair-makesbetter-haggler.html
9. Williams, L. E. and Bargh, J. A. (2008, October 24) Experiencing physical warmth promotes interpersonal
warmth. Science. 322(5901): 606-607. DOI: 10.1126/science.1162548
10. Schneider, I. K., Rutjens, B. T., Jostmann, N. B., & Lakens, D. (2011). Weighty matter: Importance literally feels
heavy. Social Psychological and Personality Science, 2(5), 474-478. DOI: 10.1177/1948550610397895
11. Blakeslee, S. (2012, April 2) Mind games: sometimes a white coat isnt just a white coat. New York Times.
Retrieved July 15, 2014 from http://www.nytimes.com/2012/04/03/science/clothes-and-self-perception.html?_
r=2&
12. University of California, San Diego. (2014, March 19). Lied-to children more likely to cheat, lie. ScienceDaily.
Retrieved July 15, 2014 from www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2014/03/140319093802.htm
13. Christakis & Fowler (2007)
14. Rezaeetalab, F., Rezaeitalab, F., Soltaneefa, A., Ghaznavi, M., Bakhshandeh, T., & Saberi, S. (2012, OctDec). The effect of smoking by family members and friends on the incidence of smoking among high school
students. Pneumologia. 61(4):234-6.
15. Fowler, J. H. & Christakis, N. A. (2008, December 5) Dynamic spread of happiness in a large social network:
longitudinal analysis over 20 years in the Framingham Heart Study. BMJ. DOI: http://dx.doi.org/10.1136/bmj.
a2338
16. Boyles, S. (2008, December 4). Could happiness be contagious? WebMD Health News. Retrieved on July 15,
2014 from http://www.webmd.com/balance/news/20081204/happiness-is-contagious
17. Ash, S. E. (1956). Studies of independence and conformity: I. a minority of one against a unanimous majority.
Psychological Monographs: General and Applied, 70(9).
18. Berdahl, A., Torney, C. J., Ioannou, C. C., Faria J. J., & Couzin I. D. (2013, February 1) Emergent sensing of
complex environments by mobile animal groups. Science, 339 (6119), 574-576. DOI: 10.1126/science.1225883
19. Couzin, I. D., Krause, J., Franks, N. R., & Levin, S. A. (2005, February 3). Effective leadership and decisionmaking in animal groups on the move. Nature, 433(7025):513-6.
20. Aylward, C. (2010, April 1). Study: low self-esteem alters neural responses. The Dartmouth. Retrieved on July
15, 2014 from http://thedartmouth.com/2010/04/01/news/study-low-self-esteem-alters-neural-responses
21. Okimoto, T. G., Wenzel, M., & Hedrick, K. (2012, November 4). Refusing to apologize can have psychological
10.1002/ejsp.1901
22. Harvard Decision Laboratory (n.d.) Retrieved July 15, 2014 from http://decisionlab.harvard.edu/
23. McGregor, J. (2011, August 1). How sarcasm can boost creativity. The Washington Post. Retrieved July
15, 2014 from http://www.washingtonpost.com/blogs/post-leadership/post/how-sarcasm-can-boostcreativity/2011/04/01/gIQAzVK7mI_blog.html
24. Ilgen, D. R., Fisher, C. D. & Taylor, M. S. (1979, August). Consequences of individual feedback on behavior in
organizations. Journal of Applied Psychology, 64(4), 349-371.
25.
temptation-and-distraction
26. Ashton, K. (2013, March 18). Creative people say no. Medium. Retrieved July 15, 2015 from https://medium.
com/@kevin_ashton/creative-people-say-no-bad7c34842a2
27.
Accessed July 15, 2013 from http://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/249066.php
28.
2014 from https://www1.cfnc.org/Home/Article.aspx?articleId=TKZjBonzsuebU8XAP2BPAXEAiXAP2FP
AX11w TKZjBonzsuebU8XAP2BPAXEAiXAP2FPAX11wXAP3DPAXXAP3DPAX&level=3XAP2FPAX6J7I3
kztATGuYyXAP2BPAXDahIQXAP3DPAXXAP3DPAX
29. Clark, T. (2001, March 6). Nerve: Poise Under Pressure, Serenity Under Stress, and the Brave New Science of
Fear and Cool. Little, Brown and Company. ISBN: 0316042897
30.
ScienceDaily. Retrieved July 17, 2014 from www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2010/10/101015125645.htm
31. Maddi, S. R. (2002). The story of hardiness: twenty years of theorizing, research, and practice. Consulting
Psychology Journal: Practice and Research, 54(3), 173-185.
32.
33. Dahl, M. (2013) Quit complaining it may make you feel worse. NBC News. Retrieved July 15, 2014 from
http://www.nbcnews.com/id/20185446/ns/health-mental_health/t/quit-complaining-it-may-make-you-feelworse/#.Uf0lBo2KLri
34. Zetlin, M. (2012, Aug 20). Listening to complainers is bad for your brain. Inc. Retrieved July 15, 2014 from
http://www.inc.com/minda-zetlin/listening-to-complainers-is-bad-for-your-brain.html.
35. Association for Psychological Science (2012, February 1). Facebook is not such a good thing for those
releases/2012/02/120201181459.htm
36.
praised for personal qualities instead of efforts. Medical Xpress. Retrieved July 15, 2014 http://medicalxpress.
com/news/2013-02-children-self-esteem-personal-qualities-efforts.html
37. McClure, A. C., Tanski, S. E., Kingsbury, J., Gerrard, M., & Sargent, J. D. (2010). Characteristics associated
with low self-esteem among US adolescents. Academic Pediatrics. 10(4):238-44.e2. doi: 10.1016/j.
acap.2010.03.007.
38. Dweck, C. (2007). Mindset: The New Psychology of Success. Ballantine Books.
39. John, O. P. & Gross, J. J. (2004, December). Healthy and unhealthy emotion regulation: personality processes,
individual differences, and life span development. Journal of Personality. 72(6):1301-33.
40. Weizmnn Institute of Science (2010, June 24). Brave Brains: Neural Mechanisms of Courage. Retrieved on July
15, 2014 from http://wis-wander.weizmann.ac.il/fear-and-courage-all-in-the-mind#.U8hfEPldVPF
41. Rachman, S. (1982). Fear and courage: some military aspects. Journal of the Royal Army Medical Corps. 128,
100-104.
42. Mcmillan, T. M. & Rachman S. J. (1988). Fearlessness and courage in paratroopers undergoing training.
Personality andl Individual Differences, 9(2), 373-378. DOI: 10.1016/0191-8869(88)90100-6
43. Norton, P. J. & Weiss, B. J. (2009, March). The Role of Courage on Behavioral Approach in a Fear-Eliciting
Situation: A Proof-of-Concept Pilot Study. Journal of Anxiety Disorders, 23(2): 212-217. DOI: 10.1016/j.
janxdis.2008.07.002
44.
Rachman (1982)
45.
army.mil/safety/bulletins/offdutyrisks.pdf
46.
well-being. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 84(4), 822-848.
47.
yield-151131
48. Midtgaard, J, Rorth, M, Stelter R., & Adamsen, L. (2005). The group matters: an explorative study of group
cohesion and quality of life in cancer patients participating in physical exercise intervention during treatment.
European Journal of Cancer Care, 15: 2533. doi: 10.1111/j.1365-2354.2005.00616.x
49.
50. Locsin, A. (n.d.) Is air travel safer than car travel? USA Today. Retrieved on July 15, 2014 from http://traveltips.
usatoday.com/air-travel-safer-car-travel-1581.html.
51. Rachman (1982)
52. Wiederhold B. K., Jang, D. P., Gevirtz, R. G., Kim, S.I., Kim, I. Y., & Wiederhold, M. D. (2002, September). The
53. Vaccaro, C. A., Schrock, D. P., & McCabe, J. M. (2011, December). Managing Emotional Manhood
54. Fighting and Fostering Fear in Mixed Martial Arts. Social Psychology Quarterly, 74(4), 414-437.
55. McMillan (1988)
56. Panek, J. (2011, July 11). The goat, the goats horn, and the bezoar (symbolism and mythology). A Seekers
Thoughts. Retrieved July 15, 2014 from http://www.aseekersthoughts.com/2011/07/goat-goats-horn-andbezoar-symbolism.html
57. Buchanan, L. (2006, September 1). The imposture syndrome. Inc. Retrieved July 15, 2014 from http://www.inc.
com/magazine/20060901/handson-leadership.html
58. Marano, H. E. (2003, June 20). Our brains negative bias. Psychology Today. Retrieved July 15, 2014 from
http://www.psychologytoday.com/articles/200306/our-brains-negative-bias
59. Hanson, R. (2010, October 26). Confronting the negativity bias. Retrieved July 15, 2014 from http://www.
rickhanson.net/how-your-brain-makes-you-easily-intimidated/
60. Zetlin (2012)
61. Gallo, C. (2013, November 7). The soft skill that could mean $1 million hard cash for one manager. Forbes.
Retrieved July 15, 2014 from http://www.forbes.com/sites/carminegallo/2013/11/07/the-soft-skill-that-couldmean-1-million-hard-cash-for-one-manager/
62. Drullinger, D. (2011, July 12). Where they were before: Steven Spielberg. Eye of the Intern. Retrieved July 15,
2014 from http://www.internships.com/eyeoftheintern/news/famous-interns/steven-spielberg/
63. Obschonka, M., Andersson, H., Silbereisen, R. I., & Sverke, M. (2013, December). Rule-breaking, crime, and
entrepreneurship: A replication and extension study with 37-year longitudinal data. Journal of Vocational
Behavior. 83(3) 386-396. DOI: 10.1016/j.jvb.2013.06.007
64. Krans, B. (2013, March 5). Billionaire troublemakers: entrepreneurs challenged authority as teens. Healthline.
Retrieved July 15, 2014 from http://www.healthline.com/health-news/mental-successful-businessmen-madetrouble-as-teens-030513
65. Pofeldt, E. (2013, May 27). U.S. entrepreneurship hits record high. Forbes. Retrieved July 15, 2014 from http://
www.forbes.com/sites/elainepofeldt/2013/05/27/u-s-entrepreneurship-hits-record-high/
66. Schultz, W., Dickinson, A. (2000). Neuronal coding of prediction errors. Annual Review of Neuroscience, 23,
473-500.
67.
68. Prabhu, V. Sutton, C., & Sauser, W. (2008). Creativity and certain personality traits: understanding the mediating
effect of intrinsic motivation. Creativity Research Journal. 20 (1), 53-66. DOI:10.1080/10400410701841955
69. Toubia, O. (2006). Idea generation, creativity, and incentives. Marketing Science, 25(5), 411-425.
70.
autonomic control in the ultimatum game. Frontiers in Psychology, 2(173). DOI: 10.3389/fpsyg.2011.00173
After working with isaiah for

a year, ive come to realize the
value of personal development,
and how only by working on
yourself personally can you truly
develop yourself professionally.
~ NICHoLAS oStRout, PH.D.

The Emotionally Intelligent Leader

Caricato da

Informazioni sul documento

Copyright

Formati disponibili

Condividi questo documento

Condividi o incorpora il documento

Opzioni di condivisione

Hai trovato utile questo documento?

Questo contenuto è inappropriato?

Copyright:

Formati disponibili

The Emotionally Intelligent Leader

Caricato da

Copyright:

Formati disponibili

THE

ABOuT ThE AuThOR

Isaiah Hankel is an internationally recognized

Long before getting his doctorate, Isaiah was

2. Chapter II. Rule Over Your Emotions With An Iron Fist

Understand The Forces Influencing

The Dangers Of Herd Mentality

Be The Nail That Wrecks The Hammer

Why Its Better To Be Weird Than Cool

3. Chapter III. Demand Respect For Yourself

Protect Your Apologies

Welcome Conflict Like An Old Friend,

Say No More Than You Say Yes

Never Play The Victim

4. Chapter IV. Quit Being A Crybaby And Cowboy Up

If Youre Afraid, Act Anyway

Laugh In The Face Of Adversity

Keep Your Problems To Yourself,

Focus On The Bottom Line, Not Mistakes

Manufacture Your Own Sense Of Certainty

5. Chapter V. Live Like A Lion

Courage Can Be Measured And Improved

How Courageous People Live

Destroy Fear With Knowledge

Be A Tough (But Fair) Leader

Turn Sheep Into Wolves, Not Better Sheep

Refuse To Make Critical Leadership Mistakes

6. Chapter VI. Avoid Dream-Killers, Attract Action-Takers

Cut Negative People Out Of Your Personal Life

The Narcissist And The Nemesis

Black Cats, Fat Cats, And White Whales

Delete Negative People From Your Professional Life

Fight To Work With The Right People

Why You Need Connectors, Battering Rams, And Hackers

7. Chapter VII. Master The Art Of Defiance

The Benefits Of Living Life On Your Own Terms

Rise Above Distraction, Obligation, And Mob Mentality

8. Chapter VIII. Lifelong Leadership

Tough times never last, but tough people do.

RuLE OvER YOuR

Hold yourself responsible for a higher

~ Henry Ward Beecher

RuLE OvER YOuR EMOTIONs WITh AN IRON FIsT

In life, we hear stories about people accomplishing extraordinary things. We

RuLE OvER YOuR EMOTIONs WITh AN IRON FIsT

UNDERSTAND THE FORCES INFLUENCING YOU,

RuLE OvER YOuR EMOTIONs WITh AN IRON FIsT

THE DANGERS OF HERD MENTALITY

RuLE OvER YOuR EMOTIONs WITh AN IRON FIsT

BE THE HAMMER THAT WRECKS THE NAIL

RuLE OvER YOuR EMOTIONs WITh AN IRON FIsT

WHY ITS BETTER TO BE WEIRD THAN COOL

Self-respect leads to self-discipline.

DEMAND REspECT FOR YOuRsELF

PROTECT YOUR APOLOGIES

DEMAND REspECT FOR YOuRsELF

WELCOME CONFLICT LIKE AN OLD FRIEND,

DEMAND REspECT FOR YOuRsELF

SAY NO MORE THAN YOU SAY YES

DEMAND REspECT FOR YOuRsELF

NEVER PLAY THE VICTIM

DEMAND REspECT FOR YOuRsELF

We have not journeyed across the centuries,

QuIT BEING A CRYBABY AND COWBOY up