Speech on parenting tips during an open day of Brainy Montessori.

What does it take to be a good parent?

A very pleasant morning to all ladies and gentlemen, parents, and fellow
children. First of all, I would like to say a very warm welcome from Brainy Montessori
to all the parents who are willing to take a little bit of your precious time to come to
our open day. We are honoured to conduct this event as it is actually very beneficial
for the parents as well as our children. As parents, I am sure that all of us want the
best for our children. Hence, I will share a little bit of my personal experience as well
as the knowledge that I gained during my years getting involved in the field of
childcare and child education. Hence, I will be giving the tips on What does it take to
be a good parent? I will emphasise on the characteristics and the qualities of good
parents. Parents as we all know are the first direct contact of communication that the
children have when they were born. Oregon Laws (2011) defines parents as the
people whose parental rights have not been terminated and "Parent" means the
parent, person acting as a parent or a legal guardian, other than a state agency, of
the child or the surrogate parent. Whereas Bristol welfare (2003) describes parents
as all natural (biological) parents, whether they are married or not; Any person who,
although not a natural parent, has parental responsibility for a child or young person;
and Any person who, although not a natural parent, has care of a child or young
person. Thus, I believe that parents play a very important role in shaping the
childrens way of life and ultimately the future of child. I will discuss these further
based three different perspectives on how to be good parents who are from parents
point of view, from the childrens point of view and from the experts point of view.
Parenting

is

all

about

communicating

with

your

child.

Positive

two-way

communication is essential to building your childs self-esteem. While children thrive

with words of encouragement and praise, listening to your child boosts their selfesteem and enables them to feel worthy and loved.
So ladies and gentlemen,

Some parents often feel that they are good enough for their children. They
always feel that they have done so many things already and feel that they are good
parents. Based on a survey conducted by Steinberg (2002), it is states that parents
feel that they are good parents when they can provide basic necessities to their
children. For example, a place to stay, food and clothes. However, do you all really
think that by providing all these things, you already become a good parent? Well.
The answer is definite no but you are leading towards it. Being good parents take
more than just providing basic necessities. There are several essential key initiatives
that parents need to give emphasis on to be a good parent. The first one is showing
love. Research indicates that parents who are explicitly showing their love tend to
get more positive response from their children. The process of bonding will become
natural and will develop the sense of security for the children. Showing love explicitly
always regarded as giving presents to the children, giving whatever toys that the
children want or allow the children to go anywhere anytime. This is definitely a wrong
concept of love. Be careful not to do too loving. According to Steinberg (2002), he
said that "What we often think of as the product of spoiling a child is never the result
of showing a child too much love. It is usually the consequence of giving a child
items in place of love -- things like leniency, lowered expectations, or material
possessions." You need to be very careful in giving physical items as children will get
used to it and will take it as your obligation rather than receiving it as an expression
of love.
Another initiative that can be taken by parents in order to be good parents is
learn to disagree with your spouse appropriately as children are learning by example
and fighting is not the best thing to be shown to your kids. As disagreement is part
and parcel of parenthood, it is best to resolve the issue as soon as possible without
exposing it to the children. Instead, it is even better if you could kiss and hug your
spouse in front of the kids. Your marriage is the only example your child has of what
an intimate relationship looks, feels, and sounds like. Thus, it is our job to set a great
standard of an ideal relationship. Besides that, parents need to know and be known
to the people in your childs world. For instance, teachers, doctors and caregivers.
You also need to get to know and be known to your childrens friends and their
parents. This is very important. Cases on the news nowadays show how important
the networking is to ensure the safety of your children.

Ladies and gentlemen,

Children have their own view on good parenting and good parents. Their
perspectives and expectations might be different depending on the family and
society background. According to a research done by Davis (2011), children would
like parents to listen and understand more. In other word, respect. We parents too
often fall into demanding respect and forcing children to comply. With threats,
punishment, shaming, bribes, and rewards, we use various forms of our power to get
kids to respect authority. Our success has been our downfall. Weve unwittingly
taught kids to respect the power and control of authority, losing sight of the more
important goal of respecting relationships and respecting each other as individuals.
Weve taught kids to value power and control so much that they want it for
themselves. When kids set out to gain this elevated standing, power struggles with
their parents can grow. This explains a phenomenon I observe in my office: the more
a parent identifies with power and control, the more likely they are locked in
protracted conflict with one or more of their children. We need to demonstrate
respect for each other and for relationships, not for power and control. We need to
win childrens respect, not try to demand or force it. Coercing respect might bring
compliance but it doesnt build true respect for each other. Respect is won by giving
it and earned by acknowledgement of innate worth and equality. Children are our
equals, not in skill or knowledge, but in human dignity. We should treat them as such.
In order to gain childrens respect, we need treat them with respect as well
and giving extra emphasis on building and improving our relationship with our
children. Good parents will strive for cooperation and not compliance. Cooperation
connotes mutual consideration and the freedom to contribute ones opinion and
influence. Compliance can be mindless submission and always requires less
investment from the child. One thing that the parents always have problem is
inconsistency. Good parents need to be consistent in your expectations. Being lax
one day and firm the next shows disrespect for the relationship It demonstrates that
your mood and energy level come before the parent/child relationship in terms of
importance. As the parents are older than the children, we tend to talk down to
children. Some of us might even use cartoon voices simply to undermine them. So,

please get rid of that and show some genuine emotion. Remember that we need to
earn the respect from our children, so, please respect them as well. On top of that,
please do not do for a child what the child can do for him/herself. Unnecessary
service is very disrespectful for some independent kids. Finally please just say what
you mean and mean what you say. Children are sensitive and we need to respect
them. Sometimes they may or may not understand the issues, but they certainly do
not need repeated reminders, explanations or even threats. Children will feel they
are being looked down if parents do that as all children want to be treated as adults.
As mentioned earlier, children love to be given power. In this case I would say
as autonomy and a sense of mastery. We need to put our children in a world where
they feel a sense of mastery over their own environment. It is important that they do
not feel like they are subject to arbitrary guidance or haphazard decisions. This is
again undermining their capability. Other than that, please do not clip your childs
wings. Remember that our childrens mission in life is to gain independence. So
when they are developmentally capable of putting their toys away, clearing their plate
from the table, and dressing themselves, let them. Giving children responsibility is
good for their self-esteem. One thing that children hate the most is fighting with their
parents. So, as parents we need to carefully pick our battles. Children cannot absorb
too many rules without turning off completely. Parents have to learn to forget arguing
about little stuff like fashion choices and occasional potty language. Instead, really
need to focus on the things that really matter. This means that no hitting, rude talk, or
lying involved.

Ladies and gentlemen,

The third perspective comes from the expert consisting of doctors and
psychologists. A therapist in South Bend, John Petersen said that the most important
aspect in good parenting is to have an effective communication with your children. In
order to develop the effective communication, efforts need to be taken from the
parents side. Some experts recommended that parents should schedule daily
special time. Let your child choose an activity where you hang out together for 10 or
15 minutes with no interruptions. There is no better way for you to show your love.

On top of that, this is specifically for fathers. Sometimes fathers are so busy working
and have less contact time with their children. This widens the gap between a father
and a child. According to the child psychologist, the greatest untapped resource
available for improving the lives of our children is time with Dad -- early and often.
Kids with engaged fathers do better in school, problem-solve more successfully, and
generally cope better with whatever life throws at them. Hence, it is crucial for
fathers to spend a little bit more time with their children.
Other than that, experts also suggest to make warm memories with our
children. They said that our children will probably not remember anything that we say
to them, but they will recall the family rituals such as bedtimes and game night
especially things that we do together. In my experience, this is actually one of the
best strategies to compensate the time that we (the parents) are away outstation.
Our children will not feel at loss if we are not around because they know that we will
do something with them later. I just want to highlight here that it is always a good
idea to tell the truth to the children. It is how we want our child to behave, right? Even
it is in the hardest situation possible, we still need to tell the truth. Our children will
appreciate us more and they will try their best to understand our situation. In Brainy
Montessori, we are instilling criticality and analytical thinking in our students. Hence,
they will ask a lot of question that will satisfy them. So, parents need to justify every
action that they take to the children as detailed as possible as this will help the
children to learn more. This is another best example of a good parent whereby we
can educate our children through reasoning. Just make sure that when we talk to our
children we have got to spread out our logic so that they can see why we are saying
what we are saying. Research shows that the amount of trouble kids get into is
inversely proportional to the number of words spoken in the home. This means that
the less we talk at home with our children, the more trouble they get in outside the
home.

Ladies and gentlemen,

In of the talks that I had attended several years ago, I remembered the
speaker said that a childs ability to manage stress, feel confident and motivate
themselves in later life has a lot to do with their early childhood experiences.

According to Davis (2011), a persons self-concept is their sense of who they are
and how they feel about their place in their family and community. This begins to
develop between the ages of two and six years. Positive relationships between
parents and children are an important part of building a childs positive self-concept.
A child who feels constantly blamed, judged and criticised may grow up to become
an adult with a negative self-concept. In my observation, many parents complaint
about their children always answer back to them in a rude way. I strongly believe that
this reflects back on the parents. What parents need to do is listen to your children. If
you want your child to be a good listener, make sure you are a good role model.
Remember that I talked earlier about lead by example? So, take the time to listen to
them. Busy, distracted parents tend to tune out a chattering child, which is
understandable from time to time. However, if you constantly ignore your child, you
actually send the message that listening is not important and that what your child has
to say is not important at all to you.
There are several tips from the childs experts that I want to share with you.
The first one is pay attention to what your child is saying whenever you can. Make
sure to allocate some time every day to simply sit and listen to your child if you have
a busy schedule. Encourage your childs ideas and opinions. Positive communication
is a two-way street in which both parties take turns listening and talking. Resist the
urge to correct their grammatical errors or finish their sentences concentrate
instead on what they are trying to say. Allow important or difficult issues to be
discussed without the fear of over-reaction, criticism or blame.

Ladies and gentlemen,

Just remember, children thrive with words of encouragement and praise.
Hence they need to be showered with positive phrases. Parents could or should say
things like good job , thats a beautiful painting, that was a great try, you did that
really well, thanks for helping , thats amazing, great idea!, you did it! and Im very
proud of you. These words are motivating and it actually helps in developing and
boosting childrens self-esteem. This is important in children cognitive and emotional
development. Before I end my speech, I would like to say that a relationship is a
living thing that grows and changes over time. It is important to always check in with

your children to see how things are going, how your agreed-upon plan is working,
and where you might need to make some adjustments. Communication is the key to
good parenting and all the qualities of good parents mentioned earlier should give
you the ideas on how to be good parents. I do hope that all of us here can take a
good care of our children as they are the seeds of tomorrow, future professionals
and future leaders. As parents we are responsible to show them a good example in
order to shape them to be a better person.

References

Bristol welfare (2003). Definitions. Retrived from

http://www.bristol.gov.uk/sites/default/files/assets/documents/welfare-who-is-aparent.pdf
Davis, J. L. (2011). The Ten Basic Principles of Good Parenting. New York: Russels
Oregon Laws (2011). Parent. Retrieved from
http://www.oregonlaws.org/glossary/definition/parent
Petersen. P (2008). Child Psychology. Chicago: Ramp Publishing
Steinberg, L. (2002). Research on child development. Harvard: Harvard Press