CBB Episode 150 Transcript

Bobby Moynihan, Paul F. Tompkins.

Transcribed: Jake J.

Scott Auckerman: (Introductory audible.com ad speech)

Scott: An opportunity like this comes around once in a millenia, we have a very
special guest on the show - I don't wanna say who it is - he's been on the show
several times but today we are going to dig deep, we are going to get probing about
his life and his career. I don't wanna spoil who it is but you're gonna hear from him
all hour, all of that and more, all on today's...
(Roll Comedy Bang Bang theme song)

Scott: "I wish I had more tye-dyed tee-shirts." Welcome to comedy bang bang,
uhm, thank you so much for that catchphrase submission Charlie Kraft, and uh,
yeah! Welcome to comedy bang bang we're back, it's uh, I'm back from my travels this is by the way if you've never heard the show before, my name is Hot
Saucerman... (laughing) the Choctaw, and I'm back! I'm back from south by
southwest, thank you so much for everyone who came to see us at south by
southwest to see the shows. Had some great shows - you heard the one, the that we
put out last week, and uh, thanks for comin out to all the other ones: The standup
shows - and that wierd IFC show that we did in the strange IFC house - apologies to
anyone who came out to that (laughing.) To see us... turn that into a debacle, uhm
and uh... yeah! I'm back now uh, we're uh, we're done with the show, we're in post the TV show - we're in post-production, if you don't know what post means, post
production is what that means. We're editing them together, they're coming out
great, thanks guys so much for all of your kind words about the sneak-peek that we
put out, and speaking of the sneak peak - we have one of the guests that you saw
on the sneak peek here for the entire hour, this is quite a treat because sometimes
he comes barging in here, uhm, like ah.. some loudmouth buffoon, but we have him
here all hour - he's uh, here for a quiet, sedate interview, and we're just gonna get
into it, I um, I'm very excited cause growing up as many of you know, a musical
THEATER person, I loved his work growing up. Uh, first of all, I came to know his
work from the musical Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat, I saw that
when I was fourteen years old, thought it was fantastic, uh, then segue'd into a
more, in my opinion, a more adult tone with Jesus Christ Superstar, but then the hits
just caaaaaaaaaaaeeept on coming (laughing) uh, with HEvita, which you can see
on broadway right now with Ricky Martin, and uh from HEvita we went to HEcats
and HEphantom of the opera and so many more and he's here to talk to us about all
of those and what he has going on now, I want to welcome to the program our very
special guest for the entire program - he's a musical theater legend, he is, I would
say composer? Not as much a libretist - usually finds other people to write the
words for him - but maybe we're gonna find out about some of his future projects!

But you know him (laughing) how long can this intro go on? You know him as lord
ALW, Andrew Lloyd Webber is here with us!
Andrew Lloyd Webber: (Exhaling noisily): Did you know Scottrick, I've been
holding my breath for the entirety of the introduction!
Scott: I had no idea...
Andrew Lloyd Webber: Why did I do it?
Scott: I... why would you?
Andrew Lloyd Webber: Cause I'm required to do so from the podcastual by-laws,
why a gentleman holds his breath during the introduction - everyone knows this!
Scott: Well maybe you, uh, you're just soaking all of that in, you don't wanna
exhale.
Andrew Lloyd Webber: A gentleman never soaks anything in.
Scott: I notice that you've tied a ribbon around your microphone.
Andrew Lloyd Webber: I have, for... for the troops
Scott: Ah yes, I know you're very, which troops - by the way?
Andrew Lloyd Webber: Grenada.
Scott: so...
Andrew Lloyd Webber: I'm late on my wars, I'm just getting around to Grenada
Scott: Yeah...
Andrew Lloyd Webber: Yes, oh those bloody Falklands, thank god that's over.
Scott: Yes Uh, well welcome Andrew Lloyd Webber
Andrew Lloyd Webber: Thank youuuuuu!
Scott: You know you've been a guest on this program many times!
Andrew Lloyd Webber: Countless!
Scott: And this is the first time you've been an invited guest!
Andrew Lloyd Webber: Yes, Thank you.
Scott: Usually people are doing this show, if people have heard the show before,
usually I talk to our guests, and in the middle of the show, some "oddball" comes in.
And you're - sometimes Andrew Lloyd Webber: I'm certain you don't lump me in that particular category!
Scott: no no no, you're an actual theatrical gentleman
Andrew Lloyd Webber: Yes
Scott: Who occasionally comes in
Andrew Lloyd Webber: Legend, some say.
Scott: (Laughing) some say
Andrew Lloyd Webber: I just said it - wouldn't kill you to repeat it
Scott: All right you're a legend!
Andrew Lloyd Webber: Thank you!
Scott: So welcome to the show, it's always great to see you!
Andrew Lloyd Webber: Thank you scottrick for actually inviting me. Now, in a way
you have invited me because you have an open-door policy.
Scott: I do, when it comes to you, sometimes I... need to invite you because you're

a lot like a vampire

ALW: Yes
Scott: Where you won't step into a room til...
ALW: I think it's because of my medal.
Scott: Your dracula medallion, and you're cape
ALW: Well, dracula medallion is of course the style of medallion, which refers to the
shape. I've not been awarded it for dracula activities. Dracularic activities. I wish I'd
said that the first time!
Scott: Well, we can always snip that out!
ALW: I wish you would!
Scott: Nope! Um, so welcome to the show, yes you're an invited guest
ALW: Thank you
Scott: You were saying...
ALW: Yes, um, so I.. I've sometimes just had to barge in here when the spirit moved
me when I had... uh... something about which to speak, a burning desire to share,
uh, my thoughts with the world via your podcast
Scott: You quite often have several new ideas of theatrical endeavors.
ALW: I say, that's true! I'm always thinking, don't you know, you see I work in my
dreams. So when I fall asleep each night - or sometimes during the day, we're none
of us getting any younger darling - I shall, uh go into the cloud coo-coo land where I
think of my ideas for musicals.
Scott: Ah, that's where they all come from. I notice that some of your ideas are a
little, uh bizarre.
ALW: Well lots of my ideas involve, uh, being naked in my old high school.
Scott: (Laughing) I'd love to see that new musical you have planned.
ALW: There's one, there's a new one I've been working on called My Mom's House,
Only it's Not My Mom's House (Scott laughs) but uh, uh, uh, my point being - that I
had to rush down here to the Earwolf studios and share with the world these
thoughts that I have because I'm bursting at the seams with creativityyyyhhh.
Scott: Well we have plenty of time today to hear about all of the...
ALW: Thank you, I look forward to spending this time with you.
Scott: We're gonna do a, mono-a-mono one-on-one
ALW: Man-to-man.... Uno to uno
Scott: (Laughing) and nothing will ever interrupt us, until we reach the end of the
program
ALW: That's right, in which case, uh, we will be interrupted by the program's
conclusion.
Scott: (Laughing) Yes, and that may not be an interruption as much as it will be a
denument
ALW: Oh, I like when you use theatre terms!
Scott: Thank you so much.
ALW: Thank you!
Scott: So first...
ALW: Ask me... May I say

Scott: Yes
ALW: At this point - it's rare that I do such a thing - Scottrick you may ask me
anything. Nothing is out of bounds, nothing is off-limits. It's all - all's fair in love and
war and this interview. We may chat about this, that even the other thing! Which I
have heretofore forbidden any journalist to ask me about!
Scott: Right, all right, well let me try to delve deep then.
ALW: I am an open book, and lyrics.
Scott: I would love to ask you something, just, that maybe no one has ever asked
you before
ALW: I dare you to do so!
Scott: All right, who would you say are the two main characters in Jesus Christ:
Superstar?
ALW: Ah, this is an excellent question. No one has ever asked me this. Usually
everyone just knows. If I were to... if I were to state definitively, who the main two
characters are in Jesus Christ: Superstar...
Scott: Although you could expand it to main three... too..
ALW: Oh, I like the way you think! This is certainly this is - two unasked questions
in a row! (Scott laughs) The main two characters are - in order - I would say..
Scott: Oh, in order of importance or in order of appearance?
ALW: Both
Scott: (Laughing) Okay... great
ALW: Neeeeh... Now, I can't remember who appears first..
Scott: Well, I believe
ALW: Don't hold me to that
Scott: I believe Judas appears first
ALW: All right, then this would be in order of importance! In my mind...
Scott: He's... he, he, the curtain rises
ALW: Yes
Scott: Lights up,
ALW: That's right
Scott: Both kind of usually at the same time...
ALW: Everyone is told backstage: "Stop whistling, stop saying Macbeth!"
Scott: And then, all of the sudden - Judas appears onstage!
ALW: That's right
Scott: And you hear, uh, that famous refrain
ALW: Always there are some boos in the audience
Scott: Yes, always
ALW: They recognize him - BOOO he betrayed our lord!
Scott: Then Judas twirls his moustache....
ALW: That's right. He puts on his tophat, he stands up from the train tracks, and he
has tied Jesus Christ..
Scott: And he asks Mary Magdolin for the rent.
ALW: That's right, she says: "I cannot pay this rent, you ask." And he says: "Ah, but
I am Judas Iscariot, and I demand you pay thirty rents! Thirty pieces of rent!

(Singing with scott) Five thousand twenty one-hundred, six hundred reeeents!"
Scott: Yes
ALW: And then, Jesus bursts from his ropes and he says: "Jesus, SMASH." Then he
goes on a rampidge! Smashing this and that, the military is called in!
Scott: Yes, of course - and they start firing at him, but the shells... the shells just
bounce off of his skin.
ALW: He says: "You make jesus angry!"
Scott: Puny humans!
ALW: "Puny humans!"
Scott: Yessss...
ALW: Then Pontius Pilate comes in and he says...
Scott: And he punches Pontius...
ALW: He punches Pontius, who becomes a pilot, he gets in a plane, but he can't fly
it because he's so scared of the controls being dirty - he keeps washing his hands!
Scott: Yes of course!
ALW: The plane crashes. Jesus resurrects everyone from the plane crash.
Scott: Smash cut to....
ALW: It's twenty years later. The skynet corporation has taken over all of Judea!
Scott: Yes! Oh my goodness. What an amazing... Now - many of you have probably
have not seen this, this program because you're not theater nerds like us!
ALW: No, no I imagine you like your sporting events!
Scott: Yes, cricket...
ALW: Your North American baseball!
Scott: Your North American football.
ALW: What's that?
Scott: Fooootball
ALW: Mmm, sounds familiar...
Scott: It's a game where, uh, it has a quarterback and he touches the ball with his
fooot a lot.
ALW: Oh you mean like English soccer?
Scott: Yes, of course
ALW: So uhm, and that's Jesus Christ: Superstar, and there's the characters!
Scott: Okay, fantastic! Well, I have many more questions like this... so, uh.
ALW: I hope you have thousands and thousands!
Scott: So here we go!
ALW: The more probing the better!
Scott: Okay
ALW: You may ask me personal things - doesn't need to just be work-related! I'm
giving you carte blanche!
Scott: Okay, personal questions... uh. How do you feel about the main characters in
Jesus Christ: Superstar, and who are they?
ALW: (Growls quietly)
Scott: Do you feel like they're the right ones, that you picked, and who are they?
ALW: You know, Scottrick, I have, uh, conversations with the characters from my

musicals almost every... (Door knocking) Who's that knocking? This is, highly
irregular!
Fourvel: Hello?
Scott: This has never happened in an interview
Fourvel: Hello?
ALW: What? Who's this little ragamuffin? Look at this street urchin!
Fourvel: Hey, who's there, hello?
ALW: Who, who are you son, speak up, boy!
Fourvel: Are you Andrew Lloyd Webber?
ALW: Why yes I am! Always nice to meet a fan.
Scott: What a smart young child you are!
ALW: Hello, hello young man!
Fourvel: I'm a fan.
ALW: You're a fan of the musical theatre?
Fourvel: Yeah
ALW: And my work in it, in particular?
Fourvel: Yeah, I was lost and I heard your voice outside so I came in...
ALW: I say, you recognized my voice?
Fourvel: Yeah!
ALW: From outside the building?
Fourvel: Who wouldn't recognize that voice?
ALW: I like the cut of this young man's jib!
Scott: I do too, I do too, but this is, uh, you're lost in the building young man?
Fourvel: I got lost.
Scott: I'm so sorry
Fourvel: I was outside, I was so lost and I heard the voice, so I came in cause I'm
hungry, I'm lookin' for scraps.
Scott: How long have you been lost?
Fourvel: For a couple years.
ALW: A couple years you say?
Fourvel: Yeah
ALW: That's a long time to be lost little boy.
Fourvel: I don't have a watch or a calendar so I don't know the exact time...
Scott: Do you know the day that you...
ALW: You may borrow my calendar
Fourvel: It was a thurs... really?
ALW: Yes, here you are!
Fourvel: Andrew Lloyd Webber's CALENDAR!
Scott: Wow, what's on that calendar? Can you...
Fourvel: It's huge!
Scott: Look at this calendar, what's on there?
Fourvel: It's beautiful, so many days!
Scott: Aside from the days - he scribbled little appointments on there. Tell us some
of those.

Fourvel: Yeah, it's got one for a "New topic of a film" he's doin' for a new film.
ALW: It's true.
Scott: Wait a minute - new film! This is... this is a scoop!
Fourvel: He's never ventured into that - I know because I've followed his work a
great deal!
Scott: Well you've been gone for the last two years though, how would you know
he's talked about it?
Fourvel: Newspapers
Scott: Oh, okay, do you see newspapers every day?
Fourvel: Yeah, that's what I sleep on 'cause I don't got a home.
ALW: These newspapers don't have a date on them?
Fourvel: They do, but I... only got one good eye.
ALW: Oh, I... I feel like a fool for asking now.
Scott: Seems like plenty to read... a date on a newspaper though.
Fourvel: I'm sorry?
Scott: One good one?
Fourvel: Yeah
Scott: Seems like you could read a date
Fourvel: Well, kinda, but let's not get down to brass tacks or anything
Scott: (Laughing) All right, I'm sorry to press on...
ALW: Please, leave the little boy's privacy....
Fourvel: You'll have to excuse me, I'm starving so I get a little on edge sometimes
Scott: Oh, I see
ALW: Scottrick, do we have any food here in the studio for this little boy to eat?
Fourvel: Just scraps... just scraps...
Scott: I mean, all I have is sort of the fat that I cut off of my steak from earlier
today...
Fourvel: That would be the greatest!
Scott: I don't know... I'm, I don't want... ya know, It's bad for your health
ALW: Scottrick...
Scott: I don't know, I was saving that for my dog...
ALW: He is a ragamuffin...
Fourvel: I'm better than a dog! I'm a human boy!
ALW: He does outrank dogs!
Scott: All right, here have... have my table scraps - here ya go.
Fourvel: Thank you! (Munching sounds)
Scott: Wait, unwrap.. please, you're eating the foil that - you're eating the swan foil,
please!
Fourvel: There's vitamins in the foil.
Scott: No please, unwrap it if you could.
Fourvel: Okay
Scott: Yeah... okay.
ALW: He's very hungry.
Fourvel: Thank you so much, I haven't eaten in years.

Scott: Wow.
ALW: Is that medically possible, for you to survive that long?
Fourvel: I don't know, I don't gotta real doctor
ALW: Fair enough
Scott: That makes sense, we're - see we're just using science that we know, but
you say a doctor would be able to tell you if - not eating....
Fourvel: A doctor could tell you anything - it's the most trusted man in the business
world.
ALW: And, to be fair Scottrick, perhaps we've become used to medical advances
that have happened in the last two years.
Scott: That's true
ALW: Perhaps we know that doctors can tell people that, uh. (Laughs)
Scott: Yeah, I get what you're saying
ALW: Yeah, so it's commonplace to ask now, but for this little boy - emerging from
the fog of two years ago.
Scott: Mmm, do you remember it? 2010
ALW: Oh, I wish I could
Scott: Oh, actually 2009, because we tape this in 2011
ALW: Oh that's right, I keep forgetting that
Scott: Yeah we tape it a year in advance
ALW: I keep forgetting it's 2011
Scott: Yeah
Fourvel: That's 'cause I got your calendar.
ALW: That's exactly why!
Scott: Give him back... give him back his calendar!
Fourvel: You can have your calendar back
ALW: Here, I give you these table scraps - one's a big as yourself!
Fourvel: Oh thank you!
Scott: Where did you get so many table scraps?
ALW: I'm just always carrying them around
Scott: Really for what purpose?
(Fourville eating noises)
ALW: Uh, for just such an occasion - in case I meet orphans.
Fourvel: Well, I'm an orphan, you could take me if you want and put me in
musicals.
ALW: Are you... dear boy are you an orphan?
Fourvel: I used to be an actor.
ALW: Is that so?
Fourvel: Yeah
ALW: You've trod the boards!
Fourvel: I did a lot of musical theatre when I was just a baby boy
ALW: Is that... what productions? Would I have seen any of these?
Fourvel: I was in Jesus Christ: Superstar
ALW: Well, that's one of mine!

Scott: Whaat?
Fourvel: Yeah
ALW: What, what role did you play?
Fourvel: Jesus Christ
Scott: He's one of the, he's one of the main three!
ALW: He's... can I, may I, be candid?
Scott: Sure
ALW: He's the main, number one.
Scott: Whoooooah!
ALW: Yes, the most important character.
Scott: All right
ALW: Jesus Christ: Superstar
Scott: So you played Jesus Christ, Superstar?
Fourvel: Yeah
ALW: Oh, we just called him Jesus Christ in the musical.
Scott: (Laughs) So can you sing one of the songs for us?
Fourvel: (Singing) I wore my coat, with golden lining!
Scott: I love it when Jesus wears his coat in that show, it's like, he shows it off, and
he's really.
Fourvel: Cause it's a big coat - it's real nice
Scott: Yeah, yeah, yeah.
ALW: I don't....
Scott: It must've looked even bigger on you, you're just a little baby boy
Fourvel: I still got it, I still got it.
ALW: What?
Scott: Really?
Fourvel: Yeah
Scott: Why aren't you wearing it now?
Fourvel: It got stolen.
ALW: Ooooh no, you don't still got it after all.
Fourvel: I was on the street sleepin' and a man took it.
ALW: Now, may I ask you, young man.
Fourvel: Yeah
ALW: What are the curious circumstances that led you to be a homeless little
fellow?
Fourvel: My parents were dead.
ALW: Ohhh...
Scott: Oh. So did you run away from an evil orphanage a la Annie or....
Fourvel: Yeah, and a rich man took me in for a little while, and he was - and they
got me into a theatre program.
Scott: Oh, that's so nice of him - to sort of broaden your horizons a little...
Fourvel: I just wanted scraps...
Scott: Well, I'm sure if he was a rich man you could've eaten anything!
Fourvel: He was a very rich man and he had lots of good food.

Scott: Ice cream sundaes?

Fourvel: Ice cream sundaes, he gave me a banana once - I put it on the ice cream
sundae and that's how the banana split got created I don't know if you know that
fact.
ALW: Wait a minute...
Scott: Hold on a second
ALW: I have to ask you young man...
Fourvel: Well, the second time it was created
ALW: Oh, no further questions
Scott: (Laughing) Um, so when you created it, it became something in your mind.
Fourvel: Yeah
Scott: Okay great
Fourvel: I had never seen one before
Scott: So you actually created it because you'd never seen one before nor heard of
one.
Fourvel: Yeah I create things all the time, I just created an air conditioner.
Scott: Well, someone can invent something even if it exists...
ALW: Yes, if they don't know it exists they think they've invented it.
Scott: It's like someone who writes a joke that already exists. You still wrote the
joke!
ALW: Great minds think alike, as they say!
Fourvel: Yeaaaah baby.
Scott: Wait now...
Fourvel: I just made that up right now
ALW: I'm sorry to tell you
Fourvel: What?
ALW: This is the creation...
Scott: A man - Austin Powers - has copyrighted that.
Fourvel: Whats an Austin Powers?
Scott: Oh, you've been gone for longer for two years.
ALW: He was a great agent. An agent of MI:6
Scott: So (Laughing) so... what happened to the rich man, though, he put you into
this theatre program and then that....
Fourvel: He threw me away! (Gasps) In a little dumpster.
ALW: This cruel fellow!
Scott: So you were in a... in a theatre program.
Fourvel: I found - I was walking the streets lookin' for scraps in a very rich part of
town, and then the rich man picked me up and he said: "Can you sing?" I said:
"Yeah." And he put me in a theatre program.
Scott: Okay, but what happened then? I don't understand because you're under the
care of a rich man, it seems like you...
Fourvel: I get... sometimes I can be a bit much.
Scott: Oh, you're a handful.
Fourvel: Yeah

ALW: Now, Scottrick is right. Normally for an orphan to become under the care of a
rich man tis a consummation devoutly to be wished by all orphans, but you're
saying it was through some personality quirk of your own...
Fourvel: Yeah, I get stabby.
Scott: Whoah....
ALW: Now, I'm not familiar with American slang, what does that word mean,
cranky?
Fourvel: I live on the streets I gotta know how to take care of myself and be a
tough guy.
ALW: Certainly
Scott: Are you...
Fourvel: So sometimes I get stabby.
ALW: Again, I don't, I'm not familiar with this term.
Scott: I think what he's trying to say, Lord ALW is that....
ALW: Please, call me Lord Andrew Lloyd Webber.
Fourvel: Please call him that, he deserves the respect.
ALW: Thank youuuu young orphan. Thank you nameless orphan.
Scott: What is your name, by the way? We never asked you your name.
Fourvel: My name?
Scott: Is it Fagin?
Fourvel: It's Fourvel
ALW: (In unison with scott) Fourvel.
Fourvel: Fourvel - Like Feivel but one less.
Scott: Uh, so what, wait what was I saying? Oh stabby!
Fourvel: Yes stabby.
Scott: Stabby - I think what he's trying to say is he actually stabs people.
Fourvel: Oh yeah, all the time
ALW: Is that what you mean?
Fourvel: You gotta take care of yourself, you gotta know how to stab, or else you'll
get - you know you'll get taken advantage of.
Scott: Are you carrying...
ALW: You're not wrong there.
Scott: Are you carrying a weapon right now, on your person?
Fourvel: Not carrying it, it's in my pocket.
Scott: What, you don't.
ALW: Ah, semantics! He's got you! Technically his pocket is carrying it.
Fourvel: My hands are all greasy from the scraps so I don't wanna get it on the
knife 'cause then the stabbing won't be so accurate.
ALW: And to be fair, you did make him unwrap the scraps.
Fourvel: Yeah
Scott: Well you know, that actually is in our favor in case he wants to pull that
knife, it may slip out of his hands because of all the.
ALW: Whysoever would he want to pull that knife?
Fourvel: No, you guys seem nice

ALW: We are. I am.

Scott: So did your father figure - the rich guy - I would imagine.
Fourvel: Yeah, he was nice.
Scott: He was nice?
ALW: Why, why, why were you compelled to become so... as you put it... stabby?
Fourvel: He's got a mouth on him - he don't know when to stop.
ALW: Is that so?
Scott: Why?
ALW: What were some of the...
Fourvel: He'd tell me to clean my room, and I'm not ready to clean my room...
Fuckin' please
ALW: Well! Young man!
Scott: Young man!
ALW: Fourvel!
Fourvel: Don't fuck with me.
Scott: Fourvel, come on now, I hesitate to even criticize you....
Fourvel: Don't... it's okay! I like you, I'm.. I like your show. I'm a fan of your show.
Scott: Oh you know this show?
Fourvel: Of course
Scott: How did you get lost right outside my building then?
Fourvel: Um, I got lost all over the place but right outside I heard your beautiful
voice and I came to it, I didnt even know it was like a... it was like it was pulling me
toward - like a rapture.
Scott: So, you've been gone for two years, it's 2011 right now, cause we tape the
show a year in advance... so how, how have you even heard the show? Have you
been listening outside the door this whole time?
Fourvel: Sometimes I'll just... go up close to people's ears when they have
headphones in and try and listen in on the streets.
Scott: Oh, that's not annoying.
Fourvel: Yeah. No, they hate it.
ALW: I... curse those people, you're an adorable little fellow.
Fourvel: Thank you!
ALW: It would... I would be delighted should you...
Fourvel: Coming from you, that's a dream.
ALW: Wellll...
Scott: I would feel much more comfortable if you disarmed yourself - if you just
sorta put that out on the table and just sort of...
Fourvel: (Knife sound on table) That's one...
Scott: (In unison) One?
ALW: Large knife.
Fourvel: And a butterfly knife - I invented that.
Scott: You invented that? In what way did you invent that 'cause that's an actual
professional knife.
Fourvel: See, I'm... I... I just thought of it - so I bought it.

Scott: Well you bought it, you didn't I mean...

Fourvel: Well, sometimes I like to say that's inventing things.
ALW: May I ask...
Fourvel: But I'd never had one before and I'd never seen it so when I bought it I
said: "Now this is something I could get used to!"
ALW: Young master Fourvel, may I ask you, when you say butterfly knife...
Fourvel: Yeah?
ALW: Are you referring to the shape, or its purpose?
Fourvel: Um, I have killed many butterflies.
ALW: By knife?
Fourvel: Yeah, 'cause they don't know when to fuckin'
ALW: Again! Young fellow!
Fourvel: Cause they just... they just fly near you, into your personal space. And you
gotta teach these fuckin' things a lesson...
ALW: Oh!
Scott: Where did you learn... where did you learn this kind of language?
Fourvel: The streets.
Scott: Oh.
ALW: Oh, there we go, now you have it - yes, the streets.
Scott: We... have to judge him on a different scale than normal people who've been
raised correctly.
ALW: He's... at times he uses such vile words he sounds like a regular cockney, as if
he's been born between the sound of both bells!
Fourvel: I was in My Fair Lady too and I...
ALW: Is that so?
Fourvel: Yeah
ALW: What role did you assay?
Fourvel: Uh, Alfred Dolittle, the father, clearly.
Scott: Oh, meaning: "Get me to the church on time?"
Fourvel: (Singing) Get me to the curch on time.
ALW: Ah, a wonderful song!
Scott: Oh, I love that song, even better hearing a little child sing it.
Fourvel: Thank you
Scott: It's a brand new meaning.
ALW: Did you know the songs in that musical were written by The Monkeys.
Scott: (Laughing) Oh, rest in peace, davy jones...
ALW: They did not write their own songs!
Scott: Next year they wrote "Rest in Peace."
ALW: What's this now?
Scott: Yes, I've - that's the other thing - I've been to the future.
Fourvel: Somebody should tell him.
Scott: Ah, I'll get around to it.
Fourvel: If you don't, whatever
ALW: Scottrick, you're burying the lead here! You're a time traveller?

Scott: Yeah, I've never mentioned that on the show before.

ALW: Why, why?
Scott: I ping-pong back and fourth from a year in future.
ALW: Are you in control of this?
Scott: I... I regulate sort of what happens, I'm sort of a time policeman.
ALW: A time copper?
Scott: We don't like to be called cops.
ALW: I do apologize, time bobby?
Scott: Time... time bobby is much better.
Fourvel: He doesn't like that, Andrew. I'll stab this guy (to Scottrick)
ALW: Oh no, please don't, please Fourvel, do not stab...
Scott: No no, I saw, I see - right - this is what's worrying me about you.
Fourvel: He's a good, he's a genius man, but don't... don't mess with people
Scott: Yes, but that's what's troubling to me is just a second ago you said you'd
never stab either of us and now you're saying that you will stab one of us.
Fourvel: Just watch your step is all I'm sayin'...
ALW: You seem entirely too ready to stab.
Fourvel: I'm just good at it.
Scott: I mean the good thing is, though, at least your weapons are equidistant from
the three of us - they're just right there in the middle of the table. Any of us could
reach over...
ALW: Yes, that's true, very true.
Fourvel: I like to keep it fair.
Scott: Yes, so if it ever comes to it in the course of this program...
Fourvel: Street rules.
Scott: ...We all have a good, equal chance of grabbing the knife
Fourvel: Yeah
Scott: Although it does look a little slippery because your hands...
Fourvel: It's greasy...
ALW: Grease. Scraps. Scraps. Grease.
Scott: Yes, so that may come into play. If it ever comes to that - I'm not saying it
even will....
ALW: I doubt it will
Scott: Hopefully we'll be great friends, but it may slip out of some of our fingers, if
we ever grabbed it.
ALW: I'm sure we'll remain the best of friends throughout the entire podcast!
Fourvel: Everyone's just gotta stay cool
Scott: Yeah, we'll all stay cool. I'm sure we will, right?
Fourvel: Everyone will stay cool as Fonzie.
Scott: All right, tell you what, I do wanna take a little bit of a break here.
ALW: Why?
Scott: Why? Well, you know, to pay the bills!
ALW: I don't understand. What does that mean?
Scott: I need about two minutes to go online and pay some of my bills.

ALW: What are bills?

Scott: You know, just my electric, uh, my uh, cable bill.
ALW: I still don't... bill?
Fourvel: I wish I had bills.
Scott: Ah, we'll get to that, because we may have some bills for you!
ALW: I bet we do!
Fourvel: Yay! What every orphan wants!
Scott: Yes, responsibilities of a home. Let's take a break, we'll be right back here
with Lord Andrew Lloyd Webber and Fourvel, we'll be right back, Comedy Bang
Bang!
(Advertisment)
Scott: Comedy bang bang
ALW: Comedy bang bang, oh
Scott: Hey, come on, that is in large part all I do on this program.
ALW: You were doing the
Scott: And youre trying to take it away from me
ALW: Youre resetting the
Scott: Yes, of course
ALW: I do apologize
Scott: Comedy bang bang, were
ALW: Comedy bang bang, ooh Im doing it again
Scott: Again, yes
ALW: I do apologize, Scottrick
Scott: Id much appreciate it if you would zip-a your lip-a!
ALW: Apologies! Im very, as a lord Im very used to having my own way!
Fourvel: Hes the host, let him do his job or else you know.
ALW: Fourvel, I its a veiled threat!
Fourvel: You know, you know you got it goin on, you got a lot of stuff goin on. Let
him do his thing.
Scott: Let me have my one thing.
ALW: Im a regular Stacys Mom! (Scott laughs) Reference!
Scott: (Laughing) Yes, do you like, do you like uh Fountains of Wayne?
ALW: I love references!
Scott: Duh, Fountains of Wayne, though do you, do you enjoy them?
ALW: Whats that?
Scott: Its the band that sings that song, Stacys Mom
ALW: What song?
Scott: Stacys Mom has g You just know it as a saying?
ALW: Y I know, I know Stacy and I know her mom!
Scott: Oh okay, I see, I understand. Well, were back here with Andrew Lloyd
Webber
ALW: Hello!

Scott: And Fourvel

ALW: Fourvel!
Scott: Ya know, Fourvel uh, I wanted to sort of get it you know were in the
middle of a mano-a-mano, one-on-one, heart-to-heart with
Fourvel: Yeah
Scott: Andrew Lloyd Webber and as much as your problems are interesting to us
both uh and
Fourvel: Thank you
Scott: One of us may want to adopt you.
Fourvel: Oh, no way!
Scott: At one point
ALW: Its entirely possible!
Fourvel: That would be an honor!
ALW: Youre making a 90% good impression!
Fourvel: Ill treat you right!
Scott: Just let this program be an audition for you.
Fourvel: Okay
ALW: The 10% is the, the stabbiness
Scott: Yeah, thats
Fourvel: I understand
ALW: Thats hard to overcome
Scott: That ten percent is really weighing heavily on me
ALW: Makes a difference, makes a difference
Scott: Yeah, yeah
Fourvel: I know about auditioning, cause I auditioned when I was a baby in a
play.
Scott: How did you get the parts, by the way? Did, I mean, you auditioned were
you the best?
ALW: How did you get to the audition?
Fourvel: Uh, I would crawl.
Scott: Youd cr?
Fourvel: I would crawl, uh sometimes in a papoose.
ALW: A papoose you say? Like a red indian?
Fourvel: Yeah
Scott: Were you ever put into a basket on the river?
Fourvel: Once, yeah.
Scott: Really?
ALW: Like Moses!
Scott: (With Fourvel) Yeah
ALW: From biblical times!
Fourvel: Mm, hmm
Scott: You should do a musical about Moses, Lord Andrew
ALW: (sighing heavily)
Scott: No? Not interested?

ALW: Too Old-Testament-y

Scott: You youve done, uh
ALW: I did Joseph and the Amazing Teccccccchnicolor Dreamcoat, yes.
Scott: Yes, Old Testament.
ALW: That was my foray into the Old Testament.
Scott: And that covered all of the Old Testament, in your mind?
ALW: Its just so dreafully ridiculous!
Scott: Thats where a lot of people would say the great stories of the bible are,
theyre
ALW: Theyre all made up though!
Scott: Well sure, but
ALW: Theyre false!
Scott: Yeah! Of course, but so is most of
ALW: Theyre ludicrous fairy tales!
Scott: Are you trying to say that your shows are non-fictional?
ALW: Yes.
Scott: The phantom of the opera?
ALW: Yes
Scott: Is a non-fiction tale?
ALW: Youve heard of the opera?
Scott: (Skeptically) yeeeeeahhh.
ALW: Phantom is a word.
Scott: Uh, I would agree yes its in the dictionary.com website.
ALW: Therefore, phantom of the opera!
Scott: Okay, this is a lot like
ALW: Simple logic.
Scott: Fourvel inventing stuff, I think.
ALW: Hes a very clever lad!
Fourvel: Yeah, I mean I know that I didnt really invent the things, Im not fuckin
stupid but
ALW: (Sighing) language, please!
Scott: All right, all right
ALW: Unbecoming!
Scott: I dont like the way that you, you motioned your head towards me too, like to
try to startle me.
Fourvel: Well, dont get in my way.
ALW: Fourvel, may I ask you.
Fourvel: Yeah
ALW: Were I to adopt you and Im not saying Im going to
Fourvel: Okay
Scott: This is a rich guy, just like the other rich guy.
Fourvel: Im still in the audition process, I wont count my chickens
ALW: Very wealthy I own a space shuttle. (Fourvel gasps) If Were I to adopt you,
and I attired you in a little velvet short pant-suit, and gave you a hat straw hat

with a big bow on it!

Scott: A straw hat with a big bow?
ALW: Let you grow out your golden curls!
Scott: What about a lollipop?
ALW: I would give you the biggest lolly pop that youd ever seen!
Scott: A lolly as theyre
ALW: A lolly! Eh, would do you think that would curb your tendency to, uh, to
swear and use this gutter language?
Fourvel: Yeah! Im a good kid, I just wanna be loved! Its just if someone messes
wit you or someone tries to break into the home, theyre gonna get fuckin what
they deserve, ya know!
Scott: I dont know You know, one thing that you maybe need to learn is that uh
when someone criticizes you or gives you instructions, an adult figure, it is a form of
love, and I know that youre used to people withholding love from you
ALW: Yes
Scott: But it actually is a form of love because its guidance and its someone
showing that they care about you!
Fourvel: Thats nice, but I mean still Ill, Ill break your fuckin neck if you cross
me
ALW: Fourvel! I Do feel as if youre missing the point of what were trying to tell
you!
Fourvel: Just dont cross me! Im just sayin
Scott: Its not okay, all right
Fourvel: Ill come to your house, Ill clean, Ill do my chores, Ill be good, Ill help
you transpose your music
Scott: Ohhh!
ALW: Thank you, now youre talking!
Fourvel: I do anything I want!
Scott: Because the keys are getting a little high for you, Andrew Lloyd Webber, Ive
noticed they..
ALW: Yes, they are well you know because I will. The way I have my cast
members learn the songs is I sing them to them over and over and over again until
they learn them.
Scott: Yes of course, because you dont know how to play piano, thats the weird
part
ALW: I dont even Im not even sure what a piano is!
Scott: Its that thing it has 88 keys and
ALW: Ahhhh
Fourvel: Like the movie Dick Tracy
Scott: Of course, yeah, 88 keys
Fourvel: Its a very weird reference.
Scott: Yeah, but you know what? I love that you have a breadth of knowledge about
cinema history
Fourvel: Yeah, Im pretty good with that

ALW: Youre quite the little.

Fourvel: Im a little scamp.
ALW: Youre a little scamp Its true
Scott: So, I do want to ask you before I get to my question to you, Andrew Lloyd
Webber, we never found out exactly what happened to the rich old man. Was he
old by the way or?
ALW: Oh, Scottrick, Scottrick
Scott: Yes?
ALW: This is a good line of inquiry.
Scott: Okay, I I dont know whether he was old or not you never said he was old
you just said he was rich.
Fourvel: He was an old man
Scott: He was old, how old was he?
Fourvel: Seventy-four
Scott: Wow!
ALW: Oh, that is elderly! Rich elderly man!
Scott: And, weve never found out his fate will he ever see seventy-five?
Fourvel: No
Scott: No what exactly?
ALW: Oh hes. passed over?
Fourvel: He passed.
Scott: He passed
Fourvel: Yeah
Scott: In what way did he pass?
Fourvel: He said he woke up one morning, he didnt look so good, and I said Are
you okay? And he said Leave me alone. And I said What the fuck did you say to
me? And he said I dont feel good, please leave me alone! And I just stabbed the
shit outta him.
ALW: Now Fourvel!
Fourvel: Because you dont act like that! Especially in the morning!
ALW: Fourvel, Im going to overlook the language in this instance and focus on what
I think is the most egregious crime youve committed which is the crime youve
committed of murder! Youve stabbed this man to death!
Scott: Murder in the first degree!
ALW: Murder in the first degree!
Scott: Pre-meditated!
ALW: Yes, one might say!
Fourvel: You have to understand
Scott: Yes, Ive learned a lot talking to my friend Ice T about murder and sexual
crimes.
ALW: Yes
Scott: Mainly but that
Fourvel: He wrote Cop Killer one of the greatest songs in history.
Scott: Really so you?

ALW: Did you know we co-wrote that song?

Fourvel: That No!
Scott: What?
ALW: It was originally called Cop Hugger and I said Ice T, Ive got an idea
lets stir up a little controversy!
Scott: Ah yes!
ALW: You, me, and body count!
Scott: It worked!
ALW: It worked like a, it went down a treat!
Scott: The three of you! I mean.. Im counting body count as a collective.
ALW: Unit, yes.
Scott: Yes
ALW: A collective unit (laughter)
Fourvel: You have to.
Scott: You have to, these days? In this economy?
ALW: They insist upon it.
Fourvel: Yeah.
Scott: Yeah, but uh, that is fasc I have to ask him about that next time hes on.
ALW: I wish you would
Scott: I wish I would too
ALW: Hes, hes very open about talking about the creative process.
Scott: Im gonna go into the future just to make sure Ive done that. Excuse me for
a second (time travel sound)
ALW: Where did Scottrick go?
Fourvel: I dont know.
ALW: There was a flash of light!
Fourvel: I dont know
ALW: Fourvel, why are you pointing that at me?
Fourvel: Oh, because. (time travel sound)
Scott: Im back.
ALW: Oh, not a moment too soon.
Scott: Yeah I did. I did it. I forgot to tell Davy Jones though.
Fourvel: Oh no. Its okay, hell figure it out.
Scott: Its fine, hes old.
Fourvel: Hell be fine.
Scott: So what exac so so, uh, did the policeman take you away?
Fourvel: No, I ran out and uh grabbed what I could in my bindle and I ran out into
the street
Scott: You grabbed your coat of many colors
Fourvel: Yeah, my I still had that. I said (singing) briiiing meeee my color coaaat!
And they did, and I ran out into the street
Scott: Who were the servants brought you
Fourvel: Yeah
Scott: And they werent frightened of you from?

Fourvel: No! They cause then I nice to them, but they know if they cross me.
ALW: May I May I say Scottrick. And of course Fourvel will know this from his
experience with this rich elderly man. Servants, they do their jobs, and they do, if
theyre good servants they do them impeccably well. It would be crossing a boundry
for a servant
Scott: To presume
ALW: To presume! Someone from the upstairs
Fourvel: You gotta know your place.
ALW: You have to know your its true. Now Fourvel, on this we do agree.
Scott: I have seen down-town abbey, so I know.
ALW: (Gasping) uh, Scottrick, oh my word!
Fourvel: Boy, even I know that!
ALW: Like fingernails on the chalkboard of my eardrums.
Scott: I dont know what youre talking about, Im talking about my favorite
program
ALW: (Hollering in exasperation) Dont say it!
Scott: Down-town abbey!
ALW: Nooo, you said it twice now!
Fourvel: Oh god
ALW: Please, uh
Scott: I love that show! Im the biggest down-town abbey fan
ALW: (Hollering again)
Fourvel: Im gettin stabby IM GETTIN STABBY! (More hollering)
ALW: Go Fourvel, Go! Oh.
Scott: I wont I wont bring it up any more. Can I ask you about your coat?
Fourvel: Sure!
Scott: You say its a coat of many colors.
Fourvel: Yeah
Scott: Are you sure its not just a white coat that has a lot of red bloodstains on it?
Fourvel: Are you fuckin kidding me right now?
ALW: Oh Fourvel Steady.
Scott: I.
Fourvel: Its my amazing technicolor dreamcoat!
ALW: Steady!
Fourvel: Just
Scott: I just wanted to make sure that.
Fourvel: Tread lightly is all Im saying with this line of questioning
Scott: Im sorry, Im sorry
ALW: I think youd do best to take the lads advice, Scottrick.
Scott: All right, will do.
Fourvel: There is blood on the coat, but its of many its the blood of many.
ALW: People of different colors.
Scott: So wait a minute are you trying to say that like, Spocks green blood?
ALW: Who is this Spock?

Scott: You killed Leonard Nimoy?

Fourvel: This morning.
ALW: (Unison with Scott) This morning! What, why?
Scott: In 2011?
ALW: I hope no one will ever hear of this!
Scott: Okay, let me check. Excuse me. (Time travel sound) Okay Im back, no, no
ones heard of it.
ALW: Oh thank heavens.
Scott: Next year
Fourvel: Thats okay its a guy in the movies, its not the real guy. Its an imposter.
Scott: Oh, my god. I, because, I think I checked and no one has ever seen the
headline, uh Director of Three Men and a Baby has been killed!
ALW: I heard if you watch that fill-m, you can see the background of one of the
scenes!
Fourvel: Yeah
ALW: Where, uh, Ted Dansen is throttling Steve Guttenberg to death, saying Why
did you make us have a baby! Were only two men! Its very early in the film.
Scott: Ahh
ALW: Uh, in the background you can see Leonard Nimoy
Fourvel: Leonard Nimoy in the window
ALW: Being stabbed to death in the window
Fourvel: Theres a shotgun too, for a second but
ALW: Turns out it was just a cardboard cutout of William Shatner drowning his
wife.
Scott: Oh dear (laughter) all right My wiiiife! All right, all right lets get back on
track here, because weve gone off the rails
ALW: Good luck to you
Scott: A little bit here. What I wanna know well get back to, uh, Fourvel, well get
back to your troubles and well sort of check in with you a little bit later, but what I
want to get back to, Andrew Lloyd Webber is I feel like.
ALW: Oh yes, Im still here!
Scott: I feel like we were talking about your career
ALW: Yes, my favorite topic!
Scott: You had promised me some sort of uh, as we say in the biz a sclusie!
ALW: Yes, yes.
Scott: An exclusive about what you were up to next, and Id love to hear exactly
what youre doing!
ALW: Yes, I did promise you an enscoopment, and uh, what I brought you, is uh, my
latest ah, endeavor. Now you know that planning this, uh, here in 2011 as we speak
of course, here in 2011.
Scott: Yes.
ALW: That planning this uh, television program
Scott: Were right in the middle of pilot season.
ALW: Were right in the middle of pilot season 2011!

Scott: Yes
ALW: Now next year
Scott: Mm hmm
ALW: From what I understand, sources tell me Theres going to be a show, a
television program on the air
Scott: Are you talking about the one uh, where they are in the future and they go
back to the past and theres dinosaurs. Im so excited for that one that is gonna be
amazing!
ALW: Ahhhh, yes it is NOT the topic about which Im speaking of.
Scott: Ahh Are they talking about Whitney?
ALW: Mmm
Scott: Im super, uh Whit uh, Im it, shes in sweatpants
ALW: No, I know who she is. Its Whhhhitney
Scott: Whhhitney, ah sorry
ALW: How dare you
Scott: Shweee-Whitney.
ALW: Downton. So, um this
Scott: Down-town.
ALW: (Hollering in exasperation with Fourvel) It curdles my throat! Now theres
going to be an hour long drama on the television here in America thats going to be
about the creation of a Broadway musical!
Scott: (whisper) oh, no!
ALW: Its going to be called SMASH!
Scott: Is this about Jesus when he bursts out of those ropes and he attacks the
army?
ALW: It should be
Scott: Ah
ALW: But it isnt, its about a regular musical.
Scott: Okay.
ALW: Its uh, the music, its a behind-the-scenes of uh, some ah, tiresome theatre
people theyre creating a musical about the life of Mary M. Muh
Scott: Marc Maron?
ALW: No! No thats IFCs. Your IFC the International Fried Chicken.
Scott: Theyre doing wait- theyre doing what?
ALW: Is creating uh
Scott: Next year?
ALW: Yes, next year.
Scott: Ah, my gosh, I hope they pick up my show, were just working on a pilot with
them right now.
ALW: May I tell you some news from the future?
Scott: Please!
ALW: Ive talked to another one of these time bobbies!
Scott: Yes! (laughing)
ALW: Its looking good for comedy bang bang!

Scott: I love it! I love it, ah!

ALW: One word of advice.
Scott: Yes
ALW: Hire Reggie Watts
Scott: Ah, Im not a fan.
ALW: You must do it!
Scott: Nah
ALW: Scottrick, please believe me!
Scott: Nope, wont do it!
Fourvel: You, ya gotta do it!
Scott: Wont do it! Never!
ALW: Youll see. You cannot change the future! Everyone knows this.
Scott: That is one thing when I
ALW: The future is written
Scott: Ive been in the future, Ive stayed away from it cause I hate spoilers!
ALW: No spoilers!
Fourvel: Yeah.
Scott: Thats one thing being a time policeman, that is really annoying is I hate
spoilers!
ALW: Lets get back to me.
Scott: Okay sure. (Laughing)
ALW: So.
Scott: Yes
ALW: Ive written this script
Scott: Were talking about SMASH!
ALW: Yes its a spec script of uh, the drama SMASH! Uh, which is about the
creation of a musical about the most tiresome person in the world: Marilyn Monroe!
Scott: Oh, people love her to death!
ALW: Whyyy do they still keep talking about her, no one knows!
Scott: I tell you, you go into any teenage girls room and they just have pictures of
Marilyn Monroe up all
ALW: They love her.
Scott: Oh wait no, Im thinking about, uh people in the 70s and 80s. Im not talking
about
ALW: You may be or people in their 70s and 80s
Scott: Yeah, those are the people obsessed with Marilyn Monroe, thats right.
ALW: Ive, Ive written an episode of this show, and I hope that it will make it to air,
but Id like to uh, I have a year to prepare even though I have a year to prepare,
itd be good to uh, do a little just read a scene just to see how it feels out loud.
Scott: Oh okay!
ALW: And then Ill know if I have to work on anything
Scott: Well, good luck on that, and thatll be and uh Thatll be
ALW: Well Scottrick!
Scott: Yes?

ALW: I wonder if you might be able to help me?

Scott: (gasp) oh you would, you would like us to read?
ALW: Scottrick I would love it if you and dear young Fourvel here, would, uh, read
the roles Now Fourvel youve trod the boards.
Fourvel: I have, this would be an honor!
ALW: Well, the honor is mine, young man. An esteemed board-treader such as
yourself
Scott: This is amazing!
ALW: And also Scottrick.
Scott: Hey
ALW: If you would
Scott: I have a bit of a background.
ALW: Yeah, a bit of a background
Scott: Yeah all right, well you know this is I this is almost like when Quentin
Tarrantino directs like an episode of CSI or
ALW: Yes!
Scott: ER or something like Emergency Room.
ALW: Did you ever see that episode of The Price is Right that he directed?
Scott: No I havent that sounds amazing.
ALW: Yes, some lingering shots of the womens feet as they introduce the prices
Disgusting. (Paper ruffling) now here, gentlemen, here are your scripts.
Scott: Oh, thank you so much.
ALW: I always carry, you know me, I always plant scripts in every
Scott: Yes, thats right.
ALW: Every podcast studio I go to
Scott: Yes, underneath the furniture
ALW: Yes, now Scottrick
Scott: And if anyone finds it, um, taped underneath their seats, they win a gift
certificate usually, is that right?
ALW: Yes, also a paint pack blows up in their faces.
Scott: (laughing) This one isnt gonna blow up in my face is it?
ALW: No no, because Ive handed it to you. It responds to my touch and my touch
only.
Scott: All right.
ALW: Now, ah I Scottrick if you would assay the role of the director.
Scott: Di-rector.
ALW: And ah However. And Fourvel if you would play the role of the actress I
know that may seem strange
Fourvel: You mean Ack-tress?
ALW: Yes, Ack-tress. Now that may seem strange because youre a little boy but uh
back in the Bards day it was not!
Fourvel: I have range
ALW: No doubt
Scott: Your voice is a little high, too, and thats not a criticism

Fourvel: It, uh cause, Im glad you said that because

Scott: Im just saying that ya know
Fourvel: Im a very sensitive about my voice.
Scott: Were all different, human beings are all different. We all have different
voices.
ALW: Thats true theres over thirty voices! Speaking of voices, Fourvel, are you
able to change your voice depending on the character?
Fourvel: Yes I
ALW: Could you, could you play a young lady?
Fourvel: I could Im a fuckin actor man
ALW: All right, no need to uh, point that at me
Scott: Gosh I yeah.
ALW: Greasy though it may be Very well then, so Scottrick is the director, Fourvel
is the actress, I will be playing the role of Andrew Lloyd Webber.
Scott: Oh, so youre actually in this?
ALW: Yes, why not take the liberty of writing myself into it, while Im writing it.
Scott: Oh thats fun. Have you ever acted before?
ALW: Never! Well see how it goes.
Scott: Wow, Ive seen you on uh, this years American Idol
ALW: Yes
Scott: And who were you mentoring?
ALW: I mentor them all!
Scott: Thats right, and what did you say to all of them this year?
ALW: I told all of them to imagine that theyre singing the songs
Scott: Yes
ALW: And their singing in the voice of a dear old glamorpuss
Scott: Yes.
ALW: Now, shes not a flippity jibbit. Not a toss spot! Certainly not a fuss-budget!
Just a regular, old, glamorpuss!
Scott: Yes, I saw that the other day and I couldnt imagine what you were thinking!
ALW: Why is that?
Scott: Well, I mean, who knows. Okay Well..
ALW: Glam
Scott: Why do you think any of these children would know what a glamorpuss is? I
dont even think I know what a glamorpuss is.
ALW: How do they know what a uh, uh dinnerplate is! How do they know
Scott: What a salad fork is!
ALW: What an umbrella is! Yes, uh How do they know what a weskit is?
Scott: How do they know what wine to serve with fish?
ALW: Boy, have you ever heard of a bumbershoot, of course you have, youre a
child! Very well.
Scott: All right, very well.
ALW: So, I will also read the stage directions as needed.
Scott: Okay, fantastic.

ALW: All right, here we go. We begin with the director.

Scott: (Knocking sound) Do I need to knock on the door, or?
ALW: No you dont. I dont know why I takes place were already insides!
Scott: Ohh
ALW: Let me set the scene, for the listener.
Scott: How is anyone gonna know that I walked inside if I dont actually knock on
the door and walk inside
ALW: I do I do wish youd stop talking except when indicated. (pause) May I set
the scene for the listener. Were in the rehearsal studio or rah-haaasal as we say in
Britain uh, theyre working on their tiresome musical about Marilyn Monroe,
theyre all very tiresome theatre people and theyre arguing with each other as
people in the theater do! Everyone considers themselves very important and they
are, of course, wrong.
Scott: All right, here we go
ALW: And the director begins. (Knocking sound) He does not knock
Scott: Hello! Im walking in the door now.
ALW: Okay, hes already there but go ahead
Scott: All right, lets get back to rehearsing people. We are making a Broadway
musical about Marilyn Monroe here, not playing American football with president
Barack Obama!
Fourvel: (Knocking sound) (In convincing adult voice) Whatever! Im rolling my
eyes! Gag me with a spoon.
Scott: Wow that is
ALW: Very well done, well done Fourvel.
Fourvel: Thank you.
Scott: (Back in character) I heard that, young lady actress. Now lets take it from
the top and this time try being talented!
ALW: Mmm, quite a burn! Suddenly the rehearsal room door opens and in walks an
impressive figure in an expensive jumper and wearing the robes and medallions of
an English lord! The actress is so startled she cries out
Fourvel: Excuse me, this is a closed rehearsal I am so sure!
Scott: You empty-headed fool, dont you know who that is? Why, its Tony award
winning Broadway composer Andrew Lloyd Webber!
Fourvel: Oh, your grace! I am a worthless creature who shall crawl on my belly for
the rest of my days!
ALW: Naaay! Rise, child! Were all equals in the eyes of Thespus! (aside) now of
course thats not true, my supremacy in the theatre is absolute. (in character) I just
wanted to see how rehearsals are going for: Marilyn Monroe the musical about
Marilyn Monroe and her life and death!
Scott: Oh who cares! Wont you sing one of your own songs for us?
Fourvel: Oh please, your excellency if you shant I shall take this dagger and slit
my own caterwalling throat!
Scott: (out of character) Please, dont dont
ALW: She produces a knife no, thats just a stage direction, youre not meant to

do it!
Fourvel: Ill do it, Ill fuckin stab, Ill stab if I need to!
ALW: Fourvel, stay in character, please! Theres no need for that.
Fourvel: Sorry, sorry.
ALW: Stay your hand, child! Ill go you one better! Ill improve a song that already
exists!
Fourvel: (in unison with Scott) Hurrah!
(Music Plays)
ALW: Its even about Marilyn Monroe already! Ill just take the liberty of fixing the
lyrics. (Singing)
Goodbye Marilyn Monroe you predeceased//
All of my musicals and never got to see one!//
Not even Jesus Christ: Superstar, the earliest, people still//
Talk all about you, I dont understand it//
you didnt even see uhm, Starlight Express //
where I had actors on roller-skates pretend to be trains.//
And it seems to me your life was irrelevant because you//
Didnt see any of my work//
Why do people care about you, it takes away //
Conversation about me?//
Im glad I never knew you, and Im glad youre dead//
Probably roasting in hell for assisting in someone having extramarital affairs//
(speaking) The president, your American president. And it goes on from there.
Scott: Wow, what a what a
ALW: Powerful.
Scott: Powerful oh I wasnt gonna say that but
ALW: What were you going to say, moving? Well written?
Scott: I was gonna say judmental.
ALW: Judgmental?
Scott: Yeah I mean, you
ALW: Well I in what way was anything I just said judg
Scott: You think someone is roasting in hell because they, how did you put it?
Assisted in a?
ALW: Roasting in hell for assisting in someones extramarital affairs!
Fourvel: Do you want me to stab this guy, dad?
ALW: Oooh! (scott laughing) Now, first of all, presumptuous! Lets not put the cart
before the horse! Secondly, as much as I would like for you to stab all manner of
people, I would ask you to sheathe your weapon.
Fourvel: Okay
ALW: Thank you Fourvel, youre a fine youre an honorable young man.
Fourvel: I love you
Scott: Oh, okay well
ALW: May I say I I love you as well
Fourvel: Thank you

ALW: Youre the son I never actually I have several children, but youre a son I
never had.
Fourvel: Thank that is correct.
Scott: Well, I hate to think that this matter is settled because we still have some of
the program to go before you decide whether or not youre gonna adopt.
ALW: Thats true, nothing has been signed yet, Ive not signed the adoption
papers
Fourvel: I was reeeeeally hopin for it.
Scott: Do you have adoption papers on you, by the way?
Fourvel: Course, Im not stupid! (Papers rustling)
ALW: Remarkably clean for having been in your disgusting blood-soaked coat for so
long!
Fourvel: Theyre the one thing I keep close to my heart.
Scott: Awwww
Fourvel: Just in case.
ALW: Its getting a bit dusty in here.
Scott: No, I think youre crying!
Fourvel: Each day I wake up and I look at the papers and I say Maybe Ill meet the
lord Andrew Lloyd Webber and hell take me in
Scott: Wha, youve wanted to meet him, specifically?
Fourvel: Ive been following him for years.
Scott: Okay.
ALW: I thought you were lost!
Fourvel: Naw, Im a filthy liar. The truth comes out.
Scott: Oh my, this is, this is a bombshell that Im afraid were gonna have to take a
cliffhanger on because we need to take a break.
ALW: Well strike me scarlet I cant believe this turn of events!
Scott: Were gonna find out about this
ALW: We mustnt take a break!
Scott: When we come back no were gonna have to take a break!
ALW: Its impossible, its eh, too delicious!
Scott: We have to, well be right back with comedy bang bang and well follow up
on this dramatic turn of events!
ALW: 2011!
(Ad break)
Scott: (Clearing throat)
ALW: (Clearing throat)
Scott: Ma-ma-ma
ALW: Mama say-mama sah-mama coo sah!
Scott: Ma-ma-say
Fourvel: Ma-ma sah
ALW: Mama coo sah! Weve done it!
Scott: And were back.
ALW: A trio

Scott: Ah yes, ah we were just warming up during that break.

ALW: As we always do.
Scott: Because its
ALW: We tossed the energy ball around for a bit.
Scott: Of course. Played sound ball.
ALW: Made a machine.
Fourvel: Yeah.
Scott: Uh and were back, its comedy bang bang and were here with a surprising
turn of events happened right
ALW: Oh yes, thats right!
Scott: Yeah we immediately forgot about it.
ALW: (Gasping) So caught up in our exercises
Scott: Yeah I made a little note to talk about it
ALW: Warm ups!
Scott: When we came back which is the only way I can remember anything, so
yeah so were back and uh, you were saying that youve been I have it written
down here stalking Andrew Lloyd Webber?
Fourvel: I wouldnt call it stalking, man, dont put words in my mouth, I mean
Scott: You didnt use that word, youre right youve been following him with
murderous intent.
ALW: And unbeknownst to me.
Fourvel: No! No, I want him to be my dad.
Scott: Okay, well
Fourvel: I dont wanna murder him, hes a genius!
Scott: How did you first hear of him I mean, you, you obviously.
Fourvel: When I was in Jesus Christ: Superstar it really touched me and I wanted to
be with him forever!
ALW: Ah, this dear little fellow.
Scott: Wow
ALW: He is melting this misers heart of mine which Ive just decided I have.
Fourvel: Hes a kind man, hes a kind man whos brought smiles to millions and I
wanna be part of that.
Scott: So, let me get the chronology of what happened here you were put into
the
ALW: The most important thing.
Fourvel: I dont understand why this would be confusing at all
Scott: You were put into the drama program by a rich old man seventy four years
old.
Fourvel: Yeah, daddy warhorse.
Scott: Daddy Warhorse?
ALW: Daddy warhorse?
Fourvel: That was his name
ALW: Well hes one of the legendary angels of the theatre!
Fourvel: Correct

ALW: He used his unlimited wealth to fund various productions of this, that, and the
other thing, which Ive allowed you to ask me about.
Scott: Yes, Im gonna get to it, dont worry.
ALW: Yes, we have time. Eh, this gentleman hes been a friend to theatre for as long
as Ive been alive, and you say youve stabbed him to death?
Fourvel: Well yeah I didnt want to. He treated me right but then that
morning
ALW: All he asked was He just asked that you leave him alone, he was feeling
poorly and you stabbed him unto death!
Fourvel: You you, you dont act like that. You gotta be nice. I dont tolerate
rudeness.
ALW: Eh, but Fourvel, dear boy. Have you ever considered the more peaceful
alternative of discussion, of uh, negotiation, talking with people before you bring out
your cold steel blade and insert it betwixt their ribs!
Fourvel: I will definitely try to curb my, curb my problem if Im with you but I I
know its hard when you live on the streets and you grow up like that everyones
tryin to get you so sometimes you just
Scott: How did your original parents die? Because be your tryin to say that, uh you
came into these stabby feelings because of growing up on the streets and its hard.
Fourvel: Yeah cause my parents died.
Scott: Right so wha how did they die.
Fourvel: Well, it was my birthday, and they said (singing) Happy birthday to
you and they sing the song and they brought out the cake
ALW: Thats a classic from Mildred and Patty Hill.
Fourvel: Yeah they brought out the cake.
Scott: Those spinsters?
ALW: Oh, fuh. Miserly old crones!
Scott: Still demanding money years after theyve passed!
ALW: Still demanding money! Would you believe it I had a birthday party for
someone on my staff, we all sang happy birthday There they appeared! Rising up
out of the floorboards!
Scott: And they passed a hat?
ALW: They, they made everyone turn out their pockets. Some of the poorer
members on staff, of course, very embarrassed because they had no money and
moths flew out of their pockets.
Scott: Yeah! I remember yeah.
ALW: Well, I was mortified on their behalf!
Scott: Thats happened to me with my wallet every once in a
ALW: Oh no
Scott: In the lean years.
ALW: Oh yes
Scott: The David Lean years.
ALW: Yes, when you were impersonating David Lean.
Scott: Yes of course. A weird person to impersonate. It doesnt get you a lot of

money.
ALW: Not very much demand for it.
Scott: No, not at all
ALW: There are very few people left. Lawrence of Arabia parties
Scott: So what were we talking about?
ALW: Oh who cares.
Scott: Okay, so they sing happy birthday
Fourvel: Ah, I stabbed em.
ALW: Oh no! Why why would you stab someone for singing happy birthday?
Fourvel: They were singin happy birthday and they got me a cake and I wanted
fudgie the whale cake, but
ALW: And you wanted an iced cream cake?
Fourvel: Oh, fudgie the whale cake and it wasnt that. Its your birthday and you
should get what you want.
Scott: So.. I dont think that you should blame the streets for your murderous
leanings here
Fourvel: I disagree, Scott, I really disagree.
Scott: Sounds like they were instilled in you before you were on the streets
Fourvel: No
Scott: And your murderous urges kind of
Fourvel: I think I just learned from hardships and stuff that was denied from me.
ALW: One might say you have a Viggo Mortensonian history of violence.
Fourvel: Some people say I have a Viggo the Carpathian history of science.
ALW: From Ghost Busters II?
Fourvel: Yeah, correct.
Scott: I liked Slimer, from Ghost Busters, do you remember him?
ALW: He was fun
Fourvel: He was great.
Scott: Do you remember him?
ALW: He had a mouthful of hot dogs.
Fourvel: Yeah, awww god I wish I had a mouthful of hot dogs.
ALW: I liked the cab driver who was a skeleton
Scott: Ah, yeah he was great. You know a bit of trivia about Slimer. His name
actually wasnt Slimer.
ALW: What was his name?
Scott: They never called
ALW: Joseph?
Scott: It was Joseph! Yeah. And people he got the nickname Slimer because ah, I
dont know if you noticed this in the movie but um, he actually emitted some sort of
ah, slime off of his body which then would rub off on people.
ALW: Well that explains the line that Bill Murray has when he encounters this ghost
Slimer and is knocked down by the force of this little green goblin and when he
arises from the floor, he is covered in slime, and he says out loud to the other
actors

Scott: Really?
ALW: He slimed me!
Fourvel: Yeah
Scott: I dont remember that part
Fourvel: Its true.
ALW: Maybe I dreamed it. Perhaps Im making it up.
Scott: You might be, yeah
Fourvel: I think so.
Scott: Youve seen Ghostbusters?
Fourvel: Yeah I watched the yeah. I watched it with Ray Parker Jr. once.
Scott: What? Tell us about that!
Fourvel: I lived with Ray Parker Jr. for a couple of years.
ALW: Did you really?
Fourvel: Yeah
Scott: Was this before your original parents or after?
Fourvel: After, right after.
ALW: And was it before the original Ghostbusters?
Fourvel: Right after I stabbed my parents, I took my dog Sandy and I went on the
streets. And I uh Ray Parker Jr. lived next door so I just went in there and sat
down
ALW: Oh thats not
Fourvel: Hes not doin much so we just hung out.
Scott: Uh yeah, he was a session musician of course, who just kind of lucked into
the Ghostbusters theme.
ALW: Lucked into stealing a song from Huey Lewis and the News. As people luck
into stealing things.
Fourvel: Thats what happened, I found out he stole that song from Huey Lewis so I
killed him.
Scott: Oh no
ALW: You stabbed him to death.
Fourvel: Yeah, but it was
Scott: Now, thats not a secret, just no one cares about it.
Fourvel: Yeah, true.
Scott: Okay so, lemme ask: what were we talking about?
ALW: May I ask this, dear master Fourvel, were I to adopt you and take you on as
my ward at the very least
Fourvel: Oh my god
ALW: And install you in my mansion which, eh, can be seen from space
Scott: Where is your mansion, by the way, is it in the merry old land of
ALW: The top of the world.
Scott: Oh okay.
ALW: Ehm, if I were to install you in my top-of-the-world mansion which can be seen
from space, in order to curb your more stabrionic tendencies.
Fourvel: Mm-hmmm

ALW: What if I were to put you in a special room now this room, it doesnt
necessarily have walls as we know them. But it has sort of see-through walls that
uh, ehm, sort of made of a bunch of thin sticks, just uh, in regular rows on four
sides, and uh, but these sticks they are made of GOLD solid gold!
Scott: Ohhhh
Fourvel: Wow! Ive never seen gold before!
Scott: And this what about the ceiling and the floor, would those also be sticks as
well uh?
ALW: No thosed be more squares just sort of a very solid thick squares.
Scott: I see, so out of the six sides of this room Im presuming it is be six sides, is
that?
ALW: Well, its a little room inside a bigger room, so its a four-sided room
Scott: Four-sided but theres also the top and the bottom so thatd be six sides.
ALW: Yeah, so oh well youve got me there. Six sides congratulations Albert
Einstein.
Scott: So two of these. I dont know, I mean
ALW: Heres your nobel prize in mathematics. Try not to invent the atom bomb.
Scott: You are trying to make fun of me for you not knowing something.
ALW: Thats exactly whats happening
Scott: (Laughing) All right, but in the six
ALW: Why dont you look into the future and see if thats the case.
Scott: In these six sides, the top and the bottom are solid.
ALW: yes
Scott: And the other four
ALW: Eh, making a roof and a floor.
Scott: Sure, and the other four are kind of like it seems to be what youre
describing could otherwise be known as a cage?
ALW: Well, mm a gilded cage.
Scott: A gilded cage!
Fourvel: Of my very own!
ALW: Yes, and I would keep you in here, uh for lets say one calendar year!
Fourvel: Okay
ALW: In order to make sure that, eh, youre not going to stab anyone but you can
see that I mean you no harm, and youll get used to the rhythms of my voice and
things that Ill ask you and so you.
Scott: Are you not used to these rhythms by the way, at this point?
Fourvel: No, Im very used to them, I I just you keep harpin on, Im not gonna
kill nobody unless they
ALW: Well
Fourvel: Cross me
Scott: See the Unless they yeah.
ALW: Yes, its the Unless they, thats the sticking point I would say.
Scott: Like, I wish you would just put a full-stop after
Fourvel: Well I wish you would back the fuck up.

Scott: Oh
ALW: Oh, Fourvel please, we wont have that language in the gilded cage
Scott: Im, Im gonna reach for this
Fourvel: Dont act stupid
Scott: If you dont
ALW: Im also going to reach for one of the other knives.
Fourvel: Do you think I cant reach quicker?
Scott: I think that my reach I have very long arms.
ALW: Im very fast. Fast like a rabbit.
Fourvel: Im a scamperer, Ill scamper over there.
Scott: Yeah but you have short little stubby arms. And I dont say that to criticize
you, I just mean
Fourvel: Holy shit Holy fuckin shit man.
ALW: Now one, one moment. Fourvel, one moment lets
Fourvel: Stumpy arms?
ALW: Lets do this as gentlemen, lets as gentlemen!
Scott: Im, Im just saying that you have sort of a babys body you know
Fourvel: Ohhhh my fuckin
ALW: Fourvel, no! Fourvel! Scottrick, please!
Fourvel: Im a boy, Im a boy!
Scott: You know how a baby has just kinda like a fat, little, just like it looks.
Fourvel: Hold me the fuck back here
ALW: Scottrick, pleeease, Scottrick!
Scott: You look like a little
Fourvel: This motherfucker over here!
Scott: Pillsbury dough boy
Fourvel: I swear to Christ!
ALW: Scottrick hes cursing even more!
Fourvel: I swear to fuckin Christ Ill slit you from balls to gullet if you dont shut
your fuckin mouth, already okay?
Scott: All right, okay
Fourvel: Fuckin please man.
Scott: Ive, Ive shut up. I just wanted to say that, though.
Fourvel: I dont wanna be this way.
Scott: Okay, well allright.
ALW: I say, how close are we to a break?
Scott: Uh, why, you you need a break?
ALW: Uh no, I just have, have an idea.
Scott: Oh you have an idea?
ALW: Yes.
Scott: Okay, well why, uh why dont we take one and
ALW: Before we take the break
Scott: Yes?
ALW: How bout this.

Scott: Okay
ALW: Uh, count of three
Scott: Yes
ALW: Marquee du Queensbury rules.
Scott: Okay
ALW: Everyone reaches for a knife onetwothree! (sound of a struggle)
(Advertisment)
Scott: Comedy bang bang, were back and uh, boy that was a cliffhanger, too!
ALW: Lets see whos got what!
Scott: Whos got, okay open your, open your hands and well see whos got a knife.
ALW: Why Ive this is a this is a candle!
Fourvel: I cant believe...
ALW: Its an Advent candle!
Scott: Wait, what do you mean by an advent candle?
ALW: You know, one of those purple candles that you light
Scott: That you that you open?
ALW: During advent season, no thats an advent calendar, dear boy this is
Scott: Oh okay
ALW: There are many facets to advent. Anyway, what are you holding?
Scott: Uh Im, oh my gosh Im holding a stick. It looks like a divining rod
ALW: Wha, to find water?
Scott: Yeah, and its pointing, uh, just sorta northeast.
ALW: Sure, towards the ocean.
Scott: Yeah, okay, there we go. Northeast toward the ocean? Towards the Atlantic?
ALW: Yes. Exactly.
Scott: Okay, great.
ALW: Yes. (Scott laughing) Well you can see the Pacific, why would you need the
divining rod?
Scott: True as true can be.
ALW: Wha, why, bless my buttons!
Fourvel: Yeah, youre damn right.
ALW: Look at little Fourvels got all the knives.
Fourvel: Ive got three greasy knives.
Scott: How did you get all of those
ALW: Theres even more knives then there were on the table!
Fourvel: Some garrote wire A punji stick
Scott: Oh my gosh!
ALW: Hes got a candlestick from clue!
Fourvel: Couple of rottweilers.
ALW: Hes got, hes got live dogs!
Scott: Oh my goodness!
ALW: Live muscled rottweilers!

Scott: How are you that quick?

Fourvel: I told you not to reach, man.
Scott: How are you that, I mean I just assumed from your short little stubby arms
that you
Fourvel: Oh my gosh youre fucking kidding me right now
ALW: Scottrick, hes got all the knives and some dogs!
Scott: I know but I dont mean to insult you
Fourvel: You got a death wish man.
Scott: I dont mean to insult you, Im just calling em like I see them. Well, I hope
you wont do anything with those
Fourvel: Well dont cross.. dont, just watch your mouth.
Scott: Put em back, put em back on the table.
Fourvel: Ill put em in this cupholder
Scott: All right, here we go.
ALW: All right.
Scott: All right, there they are. All right guys, so uh we just have one last thing on
the show, and uhm I did have one question, though, for you Andrew Lloyd
Webber
ALW: For me? Yes?
Scott: Yeah, I mean, you said I could ask about anything.
ALW: Anything at all!
Scott: Yeah and I just had one, really specific question, about I wanna get deep
with you here.
ALW: Yes.
Scott: So um, can you tell me what what were the colors of Josephs coat?
ALW: Oh of course I can. Let me, let me see if I remember correctly. Um it was red
Scott: Mmhmm
ALW: And yellow
Scott: Mmhmm
ALW: Uh green
Scott: Mmhmm
ALW: Brown
Scott: Mmhmm
ALW: Scarlet
Scott: Mmhmm
ALW: Black
Scott: Mmhmm
ALW: I think there was some ochre.
Scott: Mmhmm
ALW: Peach
Scott: Mmhmm
ALW: Ruby
Scott: Mmhmm
ALW: Olive, violet

Scott: Mmhmm
ALW: Fawn
Scott: Mmhmm
ALW: Eh, memory serves lilac!
Scott: Mmhmm
ALW: Gold, of course.
Scott: Mmhmm
ALW: Chocolate
Scott: Mmhmm
ALW: Mauve
Scott: Mmhmm
ALW: Think there was also a bit of cream in there.
Scott: Mmhmm
ALW: Have I said crimson yet? I think there was crimson
Scott: Mmhmm
ALW: Silver, of course
Scott: Mmhmm
ALW: Um, something else in the red pallate rose!
Scott: Mmhmm
ALW: Azure
Scott: Mmhmm
ALW: I think lemon
Scott: Mmhmm
ALW: Russet
Scott: Mmhmm
ALW: Grape
Scott: Mmhmm
Fourvel: Did you say crimson?
ALW: I did say, I believe I said crimson, yes.
Fourvel: Okay
Scott: He said it.
Fourvel: Im sorry
ALW: Purple
Fourvel: I cant fuckin hear him.
Scott: He said it, he said it! Just, like, let him do his thing.
ALW: White, even though its the absence of color.
Scott: Mmhmm
ALW: Pink
Scott: Mmhmm
ALW: Orange
Scott: Mmhmm
ALW: Red
Scott: Mmhmm
ALW: Yellow

Scott: Mmhmm
ALW: Green
Scott: Mmhmm
ALW: Brown
Scott: Mmhmm
ALW: Did I say scarlet, black, and ochre?
Scott: Yes.
ALW: Oh, you know what it is? Im seeing them in my mind and in my mind Joseph
is turning around.
Scott: I feel like you forgot
ALW: And hes doing a spin, a 360.
Scott: Yeah, hes showing it off!
ALW: Yes, and so Im seeing them
Scott: Hes being a real dandy!
ALW: Im seeing them all over again from the beginning.
Scott: Yeah, I feel like youve forgotten a really important one.
Fourvel: Did he say crimson?
Scott: He he said crimson.
Fourvel: All right.
Scott: You need to listen
ALW: OH, Im sorry, Im sorry!
Fourvel: What the fuck man.
ALW: Im sorry, gentlemen, gentlemen please, gentlemen please. This is most
unseemly!
Scott: Okay, uh this kid
ALW: Blue
Scott: Oh blue! Yes, thats the one.
ALW: I dont know why I couldnt think of blue
Scott: Yeah, maybe the most popular color of all. (quietly) Just this kid bugs me
Fourvel: Scott, stop being such a fuckin bitch, man.
ALW: Fourvel, uh oo! Fourvel, please Fourvel, why dont you practice your butterfly
knifing for a little bit and Scottrick and I will - let the grownups talk.
Scott: Yeah, yeah just try to stab around your fingers, have you ever done anything
like that?
Fourvel: Yeah
ALW: Mumblypig.
Scott: Yes. (Quiet side conversation) Are you really gonna adopt this kid?
ALW: No, I Ive never been more terrified in my entire life!
Scott: Youre not acting like it, I have to say youre a very good actor!
ALW: Im trying to appease this monster!
Scott: I think youll be really good on SMASH!, then.
ALW: Do you think so?
Scott: Yes because, I mean, I would never have guessed.
ALW: Is it a bit of a cheat, Im playing myself?

Scott: I think its not a stretch, necessarily, but sometimes you have to ease into
something like that.
ALW: Do you know I love the play where theyre all playing themselves and
everyone had a great fun.
Scott: Yeah I mean its a lot like how Chris Rock had to play a crack addict before
he could move on to being head of state.
ALW: Thats right, yes thats right. He was wonderful in that film underrated!
Scott: Hes soooo wonderful.
ALW: Now Scottrick.
Scott: Yes?
ALW: I need you to spirit me away from this studio!
Scott: I dont know that I have the resources to do that what. Eh?
ALW: WHAT? You simply Im an English lord, you simply must! Eh, radio to a
helicopter pilot and
Scott: I dont have one
ALW: Have him throw down a rope ladder!
Scott: We dont have one of those, we just have this, uh sort of
ALW: Whaaa?
Scott: We, I mean, we just have like kind of a strange hatch that leads into a, uh
ALW: I say
Scott: A hidey-hole
ALW: Can I
Scott: Like a spider-hole
ALW: Can I squeeze into this hidey-holing spider hatch?
Scott: I guess you could, but I mean wha The thing is its.
ALW: Okay goodbye
Scott: Wait its hidden thats the the pr
ALW: Ill find it.
Scott: Okay.
ALW: Goodbye!
Scott: Well, uh
ALW: I hope not forever!
Scott: I hope not forever too
Scott: But goodbye!
Scott: Okay, um (speaking louder) Hey, Fourvel.
Fourvel: Hey
Scott: So ah, howd that game go?
Fourvel: It went good, I I was practicing my knife
Scott: Yeah, yeah looks good yeah. You didnt stab your eh.
Fourvel: Where did my daddy go?
Scott: Oh you, you didnt see him go away?
Fourvel: No
Scott: Huh, yeah you had your back turned
Fourvel: He must be gone to get the room ready the cage room.

Scott: Yeah, that sounds good to you, huh?

Fourvel: Yeah I cant wait, Im gonna have finally
Scott: Spend the whole year inside that cage?
Fourvel: Finally feel loved and be just like a real boy!
ALW: (Muffled) I say! Is he gone!
Fourvel: Oh shit.
ALW: Scottrick! Give me the all-clear!
Scott: Uhhhm
ALW: Give me the all-clear!
Fourvel: Oh my god.
ALW: Sound the all-clear!
Fourvel: Scott, did you try to pull a fast one on me?
Scott: I didnt pull anything I I was
ALW: Well, surely hes gone by (gasps loudly) oh, hello Fourvel!
Fourvel: Oh hiiii dad!
ALW: How do you do?
Scott: You were literally gone for 60 seconds, thats not enough time to get rid of
anyone.
ALW: I just thought he wouldve killed you and gotten bored and wandered off. I
hope thats not rude.
Scott: I you were willing to sacrifice me?
ALW: Not willing to sacrifice you, but willing to turn a blind eye, should you be
sacrificed.
Scott: Youre not listening to any of this, right Fourvel?
Fourvel: No, I cant hear sometimes.
Scott: Okay.
ALW: I hope this is one of those times!
Fourvel: Its my one good ear.
Scott: So youd think even with one ear youd be able to hear.
Fourvel: What?
Scott: Never mind.
Fourvel: Got it.
Scott: So, uh, no I didnt pull a fast one on you, I was looking in the same direction
as you and this guy just like, totally turned around. He tried to, to get out of here!
ALW: Oh, this guy is uh, lord Andrew Lloyd Webber, by the way!
Fourvel: Look, Im not gonna lie. I understand.
Scott: Awww
ALW: Do you?
Scott: Is that what adults usually do?
Fourvel: Youre just my favorite and I really wanted to live with you but you know
I got a lotta baggage and stuff so
ALW: Fourvel. Though it means my most certain death Will you please let me
adopt you?
Scott: (Gasps)

Fourvel: Oh, I knew it!

Scott: Oh my gosh!
Fourvel: This is the greatest day of my life.
ALW: Please become my murderous son!
Scott: Well, or ward.
ALW: Or ward. Lets see how it goes.
Fourvel: Yeah, yeah like a Robin type.
ALW: Ward first. Yes, well solve some crimes.
Fourvel: (with Scott) Yeah.
ALW: Vi-hil-ante justice.
Fourvel: Oo, I got a sweet little outfit on too, so
Scott: Well you
ALW: Now that I see it, yes, it is rather reminiscent of the your rags and tatters I
just assumed were clothes that were wearing off of you are actually a very carefully
little constructed Robin costume!
Fourvel: Yeah
Scott: Ohh. Uh, this is amazing! I, Ive always wanted to visit your place. And
youve never invited me.
ALW: Well, no. (pause) Surely you didnt expect an invitation.
Scott: Well, I mean you were on this program so many times
ALW: Yes, how many times have I been invited, dear boy?
Scott: Uh, one.
ALW: Yes! And this is that time!
Scott: And now I would like to be invited to your place!
ALW: Well, well why dont you try bursting into my home a few times.
Fourvel: Yeah. Ill try it.
ALW: And then well see how it goes.
Fourvel: Try it.
ALW: It seems to lead to invitations.
Scott: All right, well
Fourvel: Try to burst in and see what happens.
Scott: Okay all right.
ALW: (Laughing triumphantly) I like this.
Scott: S it seems like you have some sort of like, little attack dog here at the
ready now
Fourvel: You know it.
Scott: That youre gonna keep in a cage and youre gonna have protect your
house.
ALW: Please, please dont talk that way about my ward whos also my vi-hi-lante
justice partner!
Scott: I mean, I I thought that you and I were cool on this.
ALW: (Panicked whisper) I Im terrified of him
Scott: So why did you s
ALW: Im trying to appease him

Scott: (Whispering now) Are you gonna try to ditch him?

ALW: Im going to try to escape at the earliest convenience, dont you understand?
Scott: Youre not actually gonna adopt him?
ALW: My god no, why would I? Hes a stabby little maniac!
Scott: Well how do we get rid of this guy!
ALW: I dont know!
Scott: I think the only thing to do is to try to out-reach him to one of these knives
and kill him!
ALW: All right, the knives are back on the table.
Scott: Yeah, I think the mistake that we made the last time
ALW: Yes
Scott: Was that we announced that we were gonna all reach for the knives.
ALW: Yes, yes I think youre right
Scott: What we should do is get the jump on him.
ALW: Yes
Scott: We should reach for these knives before he does, that was we have at least
uh like, ah half-second before he
ALW: I say
Scott: Yes
ALW: Should we have a code word?
Scott: Yeh yeh. What, uh, what should the code word be, knife?
ALW: Knife-grab.
Scott: Knife-grab, okay so if either of us says knife-grab, then were both gonna
reach for the
ALW: Not grab knife, this has to be crystal clear! Knife-grab!
Scott: Knife-grab, how
ALW: Knife-grab
Scott: How can we remember that?
ALW: You remember knife
Scott: There has to be some pneumonic device.
ALW: You remem Yes, a pneumonic device, lets see
Scott: To let us know that when we grab the knife we wanna say knife-grab
ALW: Knife-grab, the signal is knife-grab, how do we remember to grab the knives
when we hear the term knife-grab?
Scott: Well k stands for kid.
ALW: Yes, hes a kid.
Scott: Yes, n stands for naughty hes a naughty kid.
ALW: Yes he is
Scott: Okay, I stands for I Im going to grab the knife.
ALW: Im the person, yes I am the person.
Scott: F stands for friend hes not our friend.
ALW: Friend.
Scott: Okay and e stands for education, which is every child should have an
education so thatll be real easy to remember.

ALW: Yes, also, Every Good Boy Deserves Fudge

Scott: Thats true. Okay. So, thats thatll be
ALW: G
Scott: Yes, g, go ahead, I did knife, you can do grab.
ALW: Of course, ah, fair is fair! G stands for gadzooks! Im terrified of this little
child whos going to stab me with the knife!
Scott: Okay good
ALW: I must wrest the knife away from his control and therefore gain the upperhand!
Scott: Okay, fantastic.
ALW: So well remember that.
Scott: All right
ALW: R, stands for really dont you think its time you grabbed the knife?
Scott: (Laughing) okay... good. A, were up to a
ALW: A stands for A shame it would be were this little boy to grab the knife first
and stab us!
Scott: Okay, yes okay, and of course that leads us to the last letter b.
ALW: B, boy.
Scott: Boy. Okay, yeah, so we have it for kid
ALW: Lets review.
Scott: Kid
ALW: K kid
Scott: Kid, N- naughty, hes a naughty kid.
ALW: Naughty, naughty kid.
Scott: I I wanna grab this knife. F uh, friend hes
ALW: Hes not a friend
Scott: Hes not a friend
ALW: Thats how well remember hes not a friend.
Scott: E Every Good Boy Deserves Fudge, and education.
ALW: Thats true, thats right.
Scott: A dual-meaning
ALW: G (Clumsily in sync with Scott) Gadzooks, this little boy is going to stab me,
I have to grab this knife before he does and stabs me!
Scott: Yes
Fourvel: Knife-grab!!
(Sounds of stabbing and the screams of Scott and lord ALW)
Fourvel: Knife-grab! (More stabbing)
Scott: He was listening! He has one good ear! (More screams)
Aaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhh!
ALW: I am stabbed! I am stabbed!
Scott: I am slain!
ALW: Oh, perfedy! I plague on your lack of a house! (Scotts sobs in the
background)
(Credits)