Psychotherapy

2014, Vol. 51, No. 1, 123127

2013 American Psychological Association

0033-3204/14/$12.00 DOI: 10.1037/a0033393

Too Close and Too Far: Counseling Emerging Adults in a

Technological Age
Karen W. Tao

This document is copyrighted by the American Psychological Association or one of its allied publishers.
This article is intended solely for the personal use of the individual user and is not to be disseminated broadly.

University of Utah
Individuals increasingly connect with others via social media (e.g., blogs, social networking, chatrooms),
a phenomenon that is likely to impact psychological well-being and development. As such, therapists
play an important role in assisting their clients to identify how virtual and in-person relationships
influence their sense of self, interpersonal communication, and how they engage in meaningful relationships. In this article, I describe 3 examples related to working with emerging adults that take into
consideration how this population does relationships in this technological era. Specifically, 3 clinical
exchanges1 illustrate ways to (a) enhance interpersonal skills (b) develop self-awareness about emotions,
and (c) gain a clearer understanding of the intersections of social identity.
Keywords: emerging adults, Internet, social media, psychotherapy

A number of porcupines huddled together for warmth on cold

day in winter; but, as they began to prick one another with their
quills, they were obliged to disperse. However the cold drove them
together again, when just the same thing happened. At last, after
many turns of huddling and dispersing, they discovered that they
would be best off by remaining at a little distance from one
another (Schopenhauer, 1851/1964, p. 226).
Schopenhauers analogy illustrates the enduring tension of human intimacythe individuals need for closeness and simultaneous fear of engulfment. His analogy functions also as a cautionary
tale, reminding humans to nurture the balance between attachment
and isolation. Over a century later, this parable is ever more
relevant. We live in a technological age where we are often
physically alone, but somehow submerged in a stream of social
relationships that are often established and primarily maintained
online (Junco, 2012). According to a recent statistics on Internet
use, 69% of adults (18) who access the Internet use social
networking sites (SNSs), 66% report using Facebook, and 25
million individuals access online dating services each month (Duggan & Brenner, 2013; Finkel, Eastwick, Karney, Reis, & Sprecher,
2012). It is also estimated that 99% of U.S. college students have
a profile on Facebook and spend an average of 1 to 2 hr/day on this
SNS (Fox & Warber, 2013). In 2010, a study of media use among
youth ages 15 to 18 (e.g., TV, computer) revealed an average use
of 53 hours per week (Rideout, Foehr, & Roberts, 2010).
The widespread use of SNSs (e.g., Facebook, Twitter) among
the adolescent and emerging adult (ages 18 25) population has
begun to attract attention from mental health professionals and
researchers interested in how this social phenomenon influences
interpersonal development (e.g., Subrahmanyam & Greenfield,

2008). We can now send messages to thousands of followers (e.g.,

Twitter) or spend hours surveying the intimate details of friends
and acquaintances lives without physical proximity or actually
talking. How does this merging of technology and social relationships affect our ability to derive satisfaction from interpersonal
connection? What do we do about it as clinicians still invested in
what is ultimately a low-tech, perhaps even old-fashioned affair?
Decades of research indicate that social connectedness and the
ability to form close relationships are essential to well-being and
psychological functioning. As in childhood, adults also seek stable,
trusting, and responsive relationships especially in times of need or
distress (Baumeister & Leary, 1995; Bowlby, 1969). Not surprisingly, the explosion of technologically mediated social relationships appears to have an important influence on how we communicate and interact with each other. This change may have certain
benefits. For example, studies point to the positive impact of
technology-facilitated relationships, including the association between online identity experimentation and positive social competence among adolescents (Valkenburg & Peter, 2009). However,
we now maintain many relationships without any physical and
real interpersonal contact, and several studies link extensive use
of technology to negative outcomes. For example, the American
Academy of Pediatrics warns parents about the potential dangers
of the unmonitored use of social media forums by youth, including
depression (OKeeffe & Clarke-Pearson, 2011). A recent series of
case studies also link the overuse of Facebook to psychoses (Nitzan, Shoshan, Lev-Ran, & Fennig, 2013). Mental health professionals should be prepared to work with and understand how
technology impacts individuals ability to initiate and maintain
relationships (e.g., emotional expression, intimacy).
Traditionally, psychotherapy has served as a vehicle for clients
to work on their relationships and live more satisfying lives (e.g.,
emotion-focused therapy, Greenberg, 2004; psychodynamic psy-

This article was published Online First September 23, 2013.

Correspondence concerning this article should be addressed to Karen W.
Tao, Department of Educational Psychology, University of Utah, Salt Lake
City, UT 84112. E-mail: k.tao@utah.edu

1
All clinical exchanges and case material presented in this article are
fictionalized or an amalgam of several cases. Any resemblance to real
persons is purely coincidental.

123

This document is copyrighted by the American Psychological Association or one of its allied publishers.
This article is intended solely for the personal use of the individual user and is not to be disseminated broadly.

124
chotherapy, Strupp & Binder, 1984). Although specific approaches
may differ with regards to identified change mechanisms, psychotherapists often help their client, (a) enhance interpersonal skills
related to intimacy, including empathy and self-disclosure (Teyber, 2006), (b) develop self-awareness about emotions, where and
with whom emotions are expressed, and how they are regulated
(Greenberg, 2004), and (c) gain a clearer understanding of the
intersections of social identity and the dimensions that influence
self-understanding (Chantler, 2005; Crenshaw, 1991). Despite new
technological outlets, the interpersonal aspects of psychotherapy
remain salient. Yet, to enact this interpersonal approach, therapists
must take into account the new ways young adults do relationships and how technology shapes and co-occurs with their emotions, behaviors, and attitudes toward interpersonal interactions.
Below, I outline several ways in which psychotherapy can
directly address individuals relationships and experiences with
technology, treating the technological mediation of relationships as
yet another aspect of an individuals ecological system that can
and should be explicitly addressed in treatment (Bronfenbrenner,
1977). The three clinical processes presented in this article provide
ways in which the client and therapist can address how computermediated communication is interpersonal in nature, elicits basic
human emotions, and influences a clients sense of self and identity.

Comment Regret: Interpersonal Process and Intimacy

The development of intimate and romantic relationships, although important across a life span, is particularly relevant during
adolescence and emerging adulthood. Arnett (2000) suggests it is
during the teens and twenties when individuals begin asking the
questions of Who would I enjoy being with, here and now? and
Given the kind of person I am, what kind of person do I wish to
have as a partner through life? (p. 473). These questions, while
still talked about openly with family and friends, are being increasingly explored through social networking. Self-disclosure on SNSs
is an immediate way to receive a wide range of reactions (Valkenburg & Peter, 2009) and discover what others think about them
(Pempek, Yermolayeva, & Calvert, 2009). Relatedly, the function
of SNSs as an unending source for individuals to compare themselves with others (e.g., posts and pictures) or seek peer approval
(e.g., number of likes on a Facebook status) has led to various
studies, including one on the phenomenon of Facebook envy
(Krasnova, Wenninger, Widjaja, & Buxmann, 2013). The following dialogue between Ivan, a 22-year-old male student, and female
therapist provides an example of how a client with difficulty
focusing on his feelings after a relationship breakup over Facebook
is responded by a therapists use of immediacy.
Ivan: My boyfriend broke up with me over Facebook last night.
I found out when he changed his status to single. Then he
defriended me so I cant go on to his page. My close friends started
posting stuff on my page telling me that hes a chicken for dumping
me like that and a mature person would have told me face to face.
So, I decided to write a nasty post about some of the things he told
me in private, so he gets a taste of his own medicine. Do you think
it was wrong to write that post?
Therapist: You sound really overwhelmed. A very personal
thing happened to you in a public wayand then you were
excluded from his world almost immediately. I wonder, however, if

TAO

my telling you how to handle this situation, would only be adding

to this stress. Youve told me that people telling you what to do or
how you should feel often confuses you. I wonder if we might try
something else in here by starting how with you are feeling right
now.
Ivan: I dont know. I havent really slept, so Im exhausted. I
didnt even want to come in today, but I figured it would be good
to talk about this. I cant believe that after 3 years, he wouldnt
even have the nerve to talk to me first. I thought we were getting
better.
Therapist: Its hard to talk about this when youre sleep deprived, but what I also get is that you feel blindsided and are
having a hard time putting your thoughts together. What else
comes up?
Ivan: Well, I dont know, I should have seen what was coming.
Hes been acting strangely, like not texting me back like he usually
does. My best friend Sia has also been telling me that there is
something going on. Shes seen him out a couple times when I
thought he was at work.
Therapist: You blame yourself for not seeing the signs.
Ivan: (starts to cry). Its my fault he broke up with me. He said
I was too needy and I probably pushed him away. Now that I made
that post, I ruined any chances on getting back together. If I do go
back to him, all my friends are going to think Im so weak.
Therapist: You feel really hurt, and I am sorry to hear how
difficult this is for you. I also sense that you dont feel like you have
a lot of support right now. Im wondering, it sounds like it felt good
to send out that comment in the moment, but now youre really
sitting in some regret.
In this exchange, the therapist does not attend to Ivans focus on
other individuals in his narrative, but invites him instead to expand
on his emotional experience of the event. By working in the
here-and-now (aka immediacy), the therapist examines what the
conflict brings up and also uses the clienttherapist relationship to
address external phenomena (Teyber, 2006; Yalom, 2005). Essentially, focusing on the present serves two primary functions: (a)
providing the client with a corrective emotional experience (i.e.,
not disempowering the client by giving solutionsa presenting
issue) and (b) linking in-the-moment instances to what the client
experiences outside of the therapeutic context.
The therapist also demonstrates an application of an interpersonal process model of intimacy (Reis & Shaver, 1988). According
to this model, intimacy is built on a series of evocations that take
place between two participants that include self-disclosure and
partner responsiveness. In this case, the therapist emotionally
responds to the clients distress and also uses self-disclosure (i.e.,
You feel really hurt and I am sorry to hear how difficult this is for
you.). Given the content of the clients disclosure, the therapist
intentionally refrains from discussing the details of the Facebook
banter, but, invites the client to talk about what feelings this
discussion brings up for the client in the session.

Feeling Lonely With 300 Friends: The Role

of Emotions
Eliciting and addressing emotions in psychotherapy is also
central to the psychotherapeutic process (Greenberg & Safran,
1989; Perls, 1973; Rogers, 1951). Broadly, the expression of
emotion is an interpersonal phenomenon that serves a critical

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COUNSELING TECHNOLOGICAL AGE

purpose in communicating our needs and meeting the needs of

others. Given the real-time nature of social media, individuals now
have instantaneous ways to communicate their emotions and often
use technological venues to seek comfort, support, or even approval (Pempek, Yermolayeva, & Calvert, 2009). Given the rise in
research on Facebook use and links to depression and self-esteem
(Jelenchick, Eickhoff, & Moreno, 2012; Krasnova et al., 2013), a
therapists attention to the various contexts in which clients are
seeking social connectedness can no longer be viewed as a superfluous subject. Rather, the incorporation of discussion on the topic
of SNSs and how it impacts clients emotional well-being is
critical.
Until a decade ago, the possibility of broadcasting the end of a
relationship was not possible, yet today, an entire network of close
friends, acquaintances, and even strangers may be alerted to someones change from coupled to single status within seconds. How
does a breakup that happens so immediately and publicly influence
an individuals emotional response? In Ivans situation, he is alone
when receiving the news and then bombarded with a host of
reactions. In this next exchange, the therapist picks up on Ivans
distress, his mixed emotions about the ending of his relationship,
and comments from his social network.
Ivan: More than anything, Im super embarrassed. Ive been
getting all of these texts from my friends to check if Im okay and
I just dont want to reply. I havent even had time to process.
Therapist: You sure have a lot of people who care about you,
but it all seems to be coming in so quick and youre just not sure
how to respond to their texts yet. Lets take a breath. You said you
feel embarrassed. Lets delve into this feeling a bit more because it sounds important.
Ivan: I dont know. I just always wanted to have the perfect
relationship. I would brag to all of my friends about how I found
the perfect guy and that this could be the one, and . . .
Therapist: . . . and then he changed his status. You felt loved in
this relationship and comforted by the potential of being with your
boyfriend long-term. That makes a lot of sense to me. Earlier you
mentioned feeling too needy in this relationship. Tell me more
about that.
Ivan: I guess I just always felt jealous or afraid that he was
going to dump me, so I would constantly check his emails or texts
when he wasnt looking. He caught me a couple of times and was
really pissed off.
Therapist: Afraid to be dumped? Where do you think the fear
comes from?
Ivan: I just dont want to be single and alone. Im already 22
years old and should have things figured out. Lots of my straight
friends have their lives planned out perfectly. I dont know when
Im going to find that and Im tired of online dating. Look where
it got me this time.
Therapist: The clock is ticking fast. Pressure, pressure, pressure. I feel my own nervousness increasing as I hear you share
this.
This exchange demonstrates the therapist working to enhance
Ivans emotional awareness and then begins to move toward
potential sources of his relational difficulties. The therapist focuses
on helping the client identify emotions underlying his actions as
well as the impact of his friends opinions. Ivan laments how he
has not had time to process his feelings about recent events, yet
experiences a lot of pressure to have things figured out. The

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therapist acknowledges Ivans sense of urgency to respond to his

friends, given the public nature of the breakup, but also encourages
Ivan to explore his own feelings as well as those deeper emotions
(e.g., fear of being alone) triggered by this event. The therapist also
shares her own reaction to what the client shares to let the client
know she is joining him and providing a space for various emotions to be expressed.

I Change my Profile Every Month: Intersections

of Identity
A primary developmental task for late adolescents and emerging
adults is the consolidation of identity (Arnett, 2000; Erikson, 1959;
Marcia, 1966), figuring out who they are and want to be, identifying their stances on politics and religion, and understanding their
position or roles across various contexts (e.g., school, home, community). According to Arnett (2004), this time marks a time of
exploration and instability, a self-focused age, and an age of
possibilities (p. 21). It is a time marked by confusion as individuals begin to make major life decisions, involving the search for
autonomy while relying on the safety nets of stable relationships
with significant adult figures (e.g., parents, mentors). For young
adults with minority statuses (e.g., sexual, ethnic), these explorations can be particularly challenging, as they must learn to navigate
multiple, and sometimes discrepant, contexts (e.g., coming out in
an extremely religious community) (Rosario, Schrimshaw, &
Hunter, 2004).
The intersectionality of individuals social identities is an
important area for therapists to consider in their work with young
adult clients (Watts-Jones, 2010). Social identity is defined by
individuals self-perceptions, sense of affiliation, and identification with social groups, including race, ethnicity, sexual orientation/affection, social class, age, religion/spirituality, and so forth.
(Mahalingam, Balan, & Haritatos, 2008.) In this third exchange,
Ivan and his therapist explore the intersections of his social identity as it relates to his current presenting issue, including the
predominant influences on how he views himself as a 22-year-old,
gay, Asian American male.
Therapist: It sounds like there is pressure coming from different directions and that you often compare yourself with what
others are doing and feel a need to meet certain expectations. Tell
me more about this.
Ivan: Its confusing. See, Ive got all my friends, straight and
gay, my White friends, my Asian friends, my family, my Vietnamese
community. Sometimes I feel like I have multiple personalities.
Therapist: I hear a few things. For one, it sounds your being
gay is a significant part of who you are. You also mentioned that
being Asian and Vietnamese are also important aspects of who you
are.
Ivan: Yeah. Most of my friends here are White. They dont
really get why I get all stressed about this stuff. They just tell me
to be myself . . . whatever that means. I think the only place I ever
feel free is online where no one can see me and I can just say and
be however I want.
Therapist: My ears perked up to your last statement that the
only place you feel like you can be yourself is when you are online.
How so?
Ivan: I dont worry as much about how other people are going
to react, and I just write whatever is on my mind without carefully

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126
choosing my words. I know it gets me in trouble sometimes, but it
makes me feel more powerful at the moment.
Therapist: That makes sense. You dont have as many distractions like facial expressions and immediate reactions. Yet, at the
same time, it seems like you still do worry about what they think
and take what they say to heart, like last night. And, perhaps, you
miss out on things that you would in a face-to-face conversation.
Ivan: I know. Its weird. Communicating through Facebook or
chat rooms is kinda like speeding in a car. I meet new people all
the time and I can try on different personas. It feels awesome to
throw caution to the wind, but then after the high I feel guilty and
anxious.
Therapist: To let yourself be who you want is simultaneously
exciting and scary. I also hear you saying that you are a multidimensional person who does not like being boxed in. You know, I
am really curious about what its like in here, with me. Who are
you in our counseling sessions?
In this exchange, the therapist and Ivan begin exploring the
dimensions of Ivans identities, the influence of various relationships, and the tension between his private and public selves. Ivans
focus on his online image versus how he presents in person reflects
the extensiveness of sources from which he draws on to define
himself. Ivan describes his feeling of exhilaration in self-disclosure
through social media, which gives him a sense of freedom to
explore his various selves. Again, the therapist continues to use
immediacy and invites Ivan to stay in the room by describing
who and how he presents with her. The intention here is to
highlight how interpersonal interactions, whether through technology or in person, hold meaning and are powerful ways in which
individuals experience who they are to one another, foster intimacy, and create a sense of self.

OMG, What do we do?: Implications for Therapists

These three clinical exchanges demonstrate the relevance of
psychotherapy for generations that have little or no memory of life
before the Internet, e-mail, and mobile devices. The virtual and
interpersonal are not mutually exclusive, but rather overlapping
realms. With each technological shift, worries about the negative
effects of media and technology on children and adolescents,
including social isolation, depression, and anxiety abound (Chou
& Edge, 2012; OKeeffe & Clarke-Pearson, 2011). Moreover,
many therapists that value connectedness and interpersonal work
may be tempted to throw the baby out with the bathwater and
consider the key to interpersonal health to be a rejection of technologically mediated relationships. I argue, however, that the focus
may be less on choosing to be off the grid or staying plugged in,
but rather on the type, quality, and quantity of interactions online.
For example, spending 3 hr/day passively following friends on
Facebook, resolving interpersonal conflicts via email or texting
(similar to Ivans situation), or perseverating over everyone elses
life as better than yours based on a few posted photos may not be
beneficial.
For emerging adults, therapists can serve as an important bridge
between the technological and face-to-face worlds. Asking questions like How much time do you spend on the Internet? and
How much time do you spend with your friends? are equally
important. Listening to how clients do relationships and paying
close attention to whom and where they find social connectedness

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and intimacyand finally how these relationships influence clients

sense of selfare at the heart of psychotherapy. Therapists are
being asked to learn a new technological language. However, the
technology of humans has not changed, and thus, new ways of
communicating do not preclude the need for human connection
and a place to just sit and talk.

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Received May 7, 2013

Accepted May 8, 2013