P e

9/4/2015
P.E.T.
P.E.T.
Booklastedited:2014.03.23
TheURLforthispageis
http://greatgrandma.com/aquakeys/parenteffectivenesstraining
http://greatgrandma.com/aquakeys/parenteffectivenesstraining/index.php
FrontCover,BackCover,CopyrightPage,&
Acknowledgments.
1stRevision2000
Originallypublished1970
Clicktheimageabovetoviewalargerimagethatopensinanewtab/window.
FrontCover
The30thAnniversaryEditionoftheBestselling
ParentingClassic"RevisedandUpdated".
OVER4MILLIONCOPIESSOLD
ParentEffectivenessTraining
THEPROVENPROGRAMFORRAISINGRESPONSIBLECHILDREN
Dr.ThomasGordon
NobelPeacePrizeNominee
BackCover
$15.00/FAMILYPARENTING
(CANADA:$23.00)
ThePioneeringBookThat'sGuidedMillionsofParents
P.E.T.,orParentEffectivenessTraining,beganalmostfortyyearsagoasthefirstnationalparent
trainingprogramtoteachparentshowtocommunicatemoreeffectivelywithkidsandofferstepby
stepadvicetoresolvingfamilyconflictssoeverybodywins.Thisbelovedclassicisthemoststudied,
highlypraised,andprovenparentingprogramintheworldanditwillworkforyou.Nowrevisedfor
thefirsttimesinceitsinitialpublication,thisgroundbreakingguidewillshowyou:
Howtoavoidbeingapermissiveparent
Howtolistensokidswilltalktoyou,andtalksokidswilllistentoyou
Howtoteachyourchildrento"own"theirproblemsandtosolvethem
http://greatgrandma.com/aquakeys/parenteffectivenesstraining/book/export/html/1
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Howtousethe"NoLose"methodtoresolveconflicts
UsingthetimelessmethodsofP.E.T.willhaveimmediateresults:lessfighting,fewertantrumsand
lies,noneedforpunishment.Whetheryouhaveatoddlerstrikingoutforindependenceorateenager
whohasalreadystartedrebelling,you'llfindP.E.T.acompassionate,effectivewaytoinstill
responsibilityandcreateanurturingfamilyenvironmentinwhichyourchildwillthrive.
DR.THOMASGORDON,alicensedpsychologist,wastherecipientofthe1999American
PsychologicalFoundation'sGoldMedalAwardforEnduringContributiontoPsychology,the2000
LifetimeAchievementAwardfromtheCaliforniaStatePsychologicalAssociation,andthefirst
recipientoftheCareerAchievementAwardfromtheNationalParentingInstructorsAssociation.He
hasbeenaconsultanttotheWhiteHouseConferenceonChildrenandtheWhiteHouseFellows.Dr.
Gordonistheauthorofeightbooks,includingLeaderEffectivenessTraining(L.E.T.)andTeacher
EffectivenessTraining(T.E.T.).HeworksinSolanaBeach,California,andhastwogrowndaughters
andtwograndchildren.
ForMoreinformationpleasevisittheGordonTrainingInternationalWebsiteat
www.gordontraining.com
AlsoavailableasaRandomHouseAudioBook.
Coverphotographs:TELEGRAPHCOLORLIBRARY/FPG
INTERNATIONAL,STEPHENSiMPSON/FPGINTERNATIONAL
THREERIVERSPRESS
NewYork
www.randomhouse.com978060980693751500
ISBN0609806939
FAMILYPARENTING
ParentEffectivenessTraining
THEPROVENPROGRAMFORRAISINGRESPONSIBLECHILDREN
Dr.ThomasGordon
THREERIVERSPRESS'NEW/YORK
TheP.E.T.courseisnowofferedonvideo.
Thisselfstudyprogramis
calledFamilyEffectivenessTraining(F.E.T.).
CopyrightPage
AUTHOR'SNOTE:Tomakethebookmoregenderneutralandtoavoidtheawkward"heorshe"
construction,Ihavealternated"he"and"she"throughoutthesechapterswhenIrefertobothparents
andchildren.
Copyright1970,1975,2000byThomasGordon
Allrightsreserved.Nopartofthisbookmaybereproducedortransmittedinanyformorbyany
means,electronicormechanical,includingphotocopying,recording,orbyanyinformationstorage
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andretrievalsystem,withoutpermissioninwritingfromthepublisher.
PublishedbyThreeRiversPress,NewYork,NewYork.MemberoftheCrownPublishingGroup.
RandomHouse,Inc.NewYork,Toronto,London,Sydney,Aucklandwww.randomhouse.com
THREERIVERSPRESSisaregisteredtrademarkandtheThreeRiversPresscolophonisa
trademarkofRandomHouse,Inc.
OriginallypublishedbyDavidMcKayCompany,adivisionofRandomHouse,Inc.,in1970andby
NewAmericanLibrary,Inc.in1975.
PrintedintheUnitedStatesofAmericaDesignbyMerylSussmanLevavi/Digitext
LibraryofCongressCataloginginPublicationDataGordon,Thomas,1918
Parenteffectivenesstraining:theprovenprogramforraisingresponsiblechildren/byThomas
Gordon.1strev.pbk.ed.i.Parentandchild.s.Childrearing.I.Title.
HQ769.G692000649'.1dc21
00036366
ISBN060q806939
109876
Acknowledgments
Iwanttothankmyfirstdaughter,JudyGordonVerret.Itwasshewhogavemetheopportunitytotest
andvalidatetheeffectivenessoftheParentEffectivenessTrainingskillsinmyownfamily.Later,asa
youngadult,sheinterviewedscoresofparentswhohadtakentheP.E.T.course.Herreportsprovided
mewithmanyexamplesoftheeffectivenessoftheP.E.T.skillsinfamilies.ItisalsobecauseofJudy
thattodayIcanenjoybeingagrandfathertohertwowonderful,lovingP.E.T.kids.
Iwanttothankmyseconddaughter,MichelleAdams,forassumingmuchoftheresponsibilityfor
updatingthisthirtiethanniversaryeditionoftheoriginalParentEffectivenessTrainingbook.She,too,
wasaP.E.T.childwhovalidatedthepositivecommunicationandconflictresolutionskillsofP.E.T.
LikeJudy,Michellewasneverpunished.Oftenherfriendswouldaskherwhatitwaslikeinour
family,andshewouldrespond,"Ourfamilyhasnoboss.Wemaketherulestogether."Itisvery
fulfillingasaparenttoseehowmanycloseandenduringfriendshipsshehas.
Ialsowanttoacknowledgemywife,Linda.Althoughshecamefromafamilythatusedpunishment
frequently,LindaadoptedthenonpowerparentingofP.E.T.,andsheisanexcellentlistener.Sheis
lovedbyMichelleandme,aswellashermanyfriends.
Lindahaswrittentwobooks,onethatshowswomenhowtotakeresponsibilityfortheirownlivesand
anotherentitledBeYourBest,whichappliestheP.E.T.modeltoallrelationships.
IwanttoexpressmydeepappreciationtoalltheP.E.T.instructors,bothintheUnitedStatesand
aroundtheworld,whohavededicatedthemselvestohelpingparentslearnthesepeaceful,democratic,
andnonpunitivewaysofraisingtheirchildren.
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Finally,IwanttoexpressmythankstoElizabethRapoport,myeditoratCrownPublishers,bothfor
lettingmeknowtheimportanceofP.E.T.inherownfamilyandforsuggestingthatitwastimeforan
updatededitionofthisbook.
Contents
Version2013.04.04
Contents
Note:Thisistheoriginal'Contents'page.
Minorheadlinestructuremodificationsmakewithinthebodyofthisbookarenotreflectedonthis
'Contents'page.Someday..maybe,someday...
Preface
1.ParentsAreBlamedbutNotTrained
2.ParentsArePersons,NotGods
TheConceptofAcceptance
ParentsCanandWillBeInconsistent
ParentsDon'tHavetoPutUpa"UnitedFront"
FalseAcceptance
CanYouAccepttheChildbutNotHerBehavior?
OurDefinitionofParentsWhoAreRealPersons
WhoOwnstheProblem?
3.ActiveListening:TheLanguageofAcceptance.HowtoListen,andTalk,SothatKidsWill
TalktoYou.
ThePoweroftheLanguageofAcceptance
AcceptanceMustBeDemonstrated
CommunicatingAcceptanceNonverbally
NoninterventiontoShowAcceptance
PassiveListeningtoShowAcceptance
CommunicatingAcceptanceVerbally
WhatAboutthe12CommunicationRoadblocks?
SimpleDoorOpeners
ActiveListening
WhyShouldParentsLearnActiveListening?
AttitudesRequiredtoUseActiveListening
TheRiskofActiveListening
4.PuttingYourActiveListeningSkillstoWork
WhenDoestheChild"Own"theProblem?
HowParentsMakeActiveListeningWork
Danny:TheChildAfraidtoGotoSleep
WhenDoesaParentDecidetoUseActiveListening?
CommonMistakesinUsingActiveListening
ManipulatingChildrenThrough"Guidance"
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OpeningtheDoor,ThenSlammingItShut
The"ParrotingParent"
ListeningWithoutEmpathy
ActiveListeningattheWrongTimes
5.HowtoListentoKidsTooYoungtoTalkMuch
WhatAreInfantsLike?
TuningIntoNeedsandProblemsofInfants
UsingActiveListeningtoHelpInfants
GivetheChildaChancetoMeetHisNeedsHimself
6.HowtoTalkSoKidsWillListentoYou
WhentheParentOwnstheProblem
IneffectiveWaysofConfrontingChildren
Sendinga"SolutionMessage"
Sendinga"PutDownMessage"
EffectiveWaysofConfrontingChildren
YouMessagesandIMessages
TheEssentialComponentsofanIMessage
DescribingtheUnacceptableBehavior
TheParent'sFeelingAbouttheBehavior
HowtheBehaviorAffectstheParent
WhyIMessagesAreMoreEffective
7.PuttingIMessagestoWork
TheDisguisedYouMessage
Don'tAccentuatetheNegative
TheRightToolfortheRightJob
TheEruptingMountVesuvius
WhatEffectiveIMessagesCanDo
SendingNonverbalIMessagestoVeryYoungKids
ProblemswithIMessages
OtherApplicationsofIMessages
AnAlternativetoPraise
HowtoPreventSomeProblems
HowIMessagesLeadtoProblemSolving
8.ChangingUnacceptableBehaviorbyChangingtheEnvironment
EnrichingtheEnvironment
ImpoverishingtheEnvironment
SimplifyingtheEnvironment
LimitingtheChild'sLifeSpace
ChildProofingtheEnvironment
SubstitutingOneActivityforAnother
PreparingtheChildforChangesintheEnvironment
PlanningAheadwithOlderChildren
9.InevitableParentChildConflicts:WhoShouldWin?
TheParentChildPowerStruggle:WhoWins,WhoLoses?
TheTwoWinLoseApproaches
WhyMethod1IsIneffective
SomeAdditionalProblemswithMethod1andMethod2
10.ParentalPower:NecessaryandJustified?
WhatIsAuthority?
SeriousLimitationsofParentalPower
ParentsInevitablyRunOutofPower
TheTeenYears
TrainingbyPowerRequiresStrictConditions
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TheEffectsofParentalPowerontheChild
Resistance,Defiance,Rebellion,Negativism
Resentment,Anger,Hostility
Aggression,Retaliation,StrikingBack
Lying,HidingFeelings/BlamingOthers,Tattling,Cheating
Dominating,Bossiness,Bullying
NeedingtoWin,HatingtoLose
FormingAlliances,OrganizingAgainstParents
Submission,Obedience,Compliance
ApplePolishing,CourtingFavor
Conformity,LackofCreativity,FearofTryingSomethingNew,RequiringPrior
AssuranceofSuccess
Withdrawing,Escaping,Fantasizing,Regression
SomeDeeperIssuesAboutParentalAuthority
Don'tChildrenWantAuthorityandLimits?
Isn'tAuthorityAllRightIfParentsAreConsistent?
ButIsn'tIttheParents'ResponsibilitytoInfluenceChildren?
WhyHasPowerPersistedinChildRearing?
11.The"NoLose"MethodforResolvingConflicts
WhyMethod3IsSoEffective
TheChildIsMotivatedtoCarryOuttheSolution
MoreChanceofFindingaHighQualitySolution
Method3DevelopsChildren'sThinkingSkills
LessHostilityMoreLove
RequiresLessEnforcement
Method3EliminatestheNeedforPower
Method3GetstotheRealProblems
TreatingKidsLikeAdults
Method3as"Therapy"fortheChild
12.Parents'FearsandConcernsAboutthe"NoLose"Method
JusttheOldFamilyConferenceUnderaNewName?
Method3SeenasParentalWeakness
"GroupsCannotMakeDecisions"
"Method3TakesTooMuchTime"
"Aren'tParentsJustifiedinUsingMethod1BecauseTheyAreWiser?"
"CanMethod3WorkwithYoungChildren?"
"Aren'tThereTimesWhenMethod1HastoBeUsed?"
"Won'tILoseMyKids'Respect?"
13.Puttingthe"NoLose"MethodtoWork
HowDoYouStart?
TheSixStepsoftheNoLoseMethod
SettingtheStageforMethod3
Step1:IdentifyingandDefiningtheConflict
Step2:GeneratingPossibleSolutions
Step3:EvaluatingtheAlternativeSolutions
Step4:DecidingontheBestSolution
Step5:ImplementingtheDecision
Step6:FollowingUptoEvaluateHowItWorked
TheNeedforActiveListeningandIMessages
TheFirstNoLoseAttempt
ProblemsParentsWillEncounter
InitialDistrustandResistance
"WhatIfWeCan'tFindanAcceptableSolution?"
RevertingtoMethod1WhenMethod3BogsDown
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ShouldPunishmentBeBuiltintotheDecision?
WhenAgreementsAreBroken
WhenChildrenHaveBeenAccustomedtoWinning
TheNoLoseMethodforChildChildConflicts
WhenBothParentsAreInvolvedinParentChildConflicts
EveryoneonHisOwn
OneParentUsingMethod3,theOtherNot
"CanWeUseAllThreeMethods?"
"DoestheNoLoseMethodEverFailtoWork?"
14.HowtoAvoidBeingFiredasaParent
AQuestionofValues
AQuestionofCivilRights
"Can'tITeachMyValues?"
TheParentasaModel
TheParentasaConsultant
"ToAcceptWhatICannotChange"
15.HowParentsCanPreventConflictsbyModifyingThemselves
CanYouBecomeMoreAcceptingofYourself?
WhoseChildrenAreThey?
DoYouReallyLikeChildrenorJustaCertainTypeofChild?
AreYourValuesandBeliefstheOnlyTrueOnes?
IsYourPrimaryRelationshipwithYourSpouse?
CanParentsChangeTheirAttitudes?
16.TheOtherParentsofYourChildren
Appendix
1.ListeningforFeelings(AnExercise)
2.RecognizingIneffectiveMessages(AnExercise)
3.SendingIMessages(AnExercise)
4.UseofParentalAuthority(AnExercise)
5.The12CommunicationRoadblocks:ACatalogofEffectsoftheTypicalWaysParents
RespondtoChildren
SuggestedReadingList
HowtoExperiencetheP.E.T.ModelinYourHome
AbouttheAuthor
Preface30YearEdition.
Version2013.09.20
Tomakethisbookmoregenderneutralandtoavoidtheawkward"heorshe"construction,Ihave
alternated"he"and"she"throughoutthesechapterswhenIrefertobothparentsandchildren.
PeterWydeninsistedthatIwritethisbook.WhenIresisted,hedidasalesjob,tellingmethatsucha
bookcouldchangethelivesofparents,helpthemraisemoreresponsible,selfdisciplinedchildren,
and,incasethatwasnotenoughinducement,hesaidhewouldhelpoutbypersonallyeditingthe
manuscript.Hehadwrittenseveralbooks,andwasthepublisherofhundreds,soIfiguredheknew
whathewastalkingabout.Hedid.Thebookbecameabestseller.Ithelpedchangethelivesof
millionsofpeople,spawnedhundredsofotherbooksaboutparenting,and,accordingtothePew
Foundation,wasthemodelformanyofthe50,000parenttrainingprogramsintheUnitedStates,and
whoknowshowmanyinothercountries.
ThemodelthatIdevelopedanddescribeinthisbookhas,overtheyears,becomeapartofthewaywe
alltalkaboutcommunicatingandresolvingconflicts.AlmosteveryonenowadayshasheardofActive
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Listening,IMessages,andnoloseconflictresolution.
Earlyon,welearnedthatthismodel,knownastheGordonModel,doesnotapplyjusttoparentchild
relationships.Itappliesinallrelationships:athome,atwork,atschool,andintheworldatlarge.Its
terminologycanbefoundinpsychologytexts,books,andcoursesforbusinessleaders,inadult
educationcourses,and,infact,everywhereinterpersonalcommunicationandconflictresolutionare
importanttopics.
Overtheyears,Icametorealizethataspeopleusethesemethodsandskills,theirrelationships
becomemoreandmoredemocratic.Thesedemocraticrelationshipsproducegreaterhealthandwell
being.Whenpeopleareaccepted,whentheyarefreetoexpressthemselves,andcanparticipatein
makingdecisionsthataffectthem,theyenjoygreaterselfesteem,aremoreselfconfident,andlosea
senseofpowerlessnessthatisalwayspresentinautocraticfamilies.
Thesearealsoskillsnecessaryforworldpeace.Democraticfamiliesarepeacefulfamilies,and,when
thereareenoughpeacefulfamilies,wewillhaveasocietythatrejectsviolence,andfindswarfare
unacceptable.
SomethingIdidnotthinkabout,whenIwaswritingthebook,wasthestreamoflife.Isimplydidnot
lookintothefuturefarenough,toseethatkidsraisedwithP.E.T.skillswouldnotonlygrowinto
healthier,happieradults,buttheywouldalsobecomedemocraticparentsthemselves,continuingthe
cycleofnonviolenceintoanothergeneration.Ithasbeenverygratifyingtome,tohavelivedlong
enoughtohavetalkedtomanyyoungpeople,whosegrandparentsbroughtP.E.T.intothefamily.
Afriendofmineoncesaid,"Everypersonisgrantedatleastonegrand,positivesurpriseinlife."I
supposemylife'sgreatest,positivesurprise,isthatPeterWydenwasright.
NotonlyhasP.E.T.spreadacrossAmerica,butthebookhasalsobeenpublishedinthirtylanguages,
withmorethan4millioncopiesnowincirculation,andtheP.E.T.programhasbeenintroducedin
fortythreecountries.Thatisnotjustagrandsurprise:Itisextremelygratifying.
WehavediscoveredthatP.E.T.'smajorconceptsandskills,areasvalidnowastheywerenearlyfour
decadesago,whenItaughtthefirstP.E.T.coursetoagroupofsevenparentsofteenagers,ina
cafeteriainPasadena,California.Allthathaschangedistheinterestinthis.P.E.T.hasgrownlarger
andmoresignificant,asmoreandmorestudiessupportthefindingsthatspanking,hitting,andother
formsofviolenceinthehome,causeviolenceinsociety.Thebookyouholdinyourhandhas
remediesforhomeviolence,andbrings,instead,peaceanddemocracy.
IntheyearssincethatfirstP.E.T.group,publicopinionhasmadearemarkableshift.In1975,almost
95percentoftheAmericanpeoplesupportedcorporalpunishmentofchildrenathome,andatschool.
Recentpollsindicatethatlessthanhalfthepeoplenowholdthatbelief,andthenumberwhostill
supportcorporalpunishmentcontinuestofallrapidly,andIamthrilledaboutthat.
Itismysincerewishthatreadingthisbookwillbearewardingandenrichingexperienceforyou.
DR.THOMASGORDON
SolanaBeach,California
Chapter1ParentsAreBlamedbutNot
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Trained.
Version2013.09.22
Everybodyblamesparentsforthetroublesofyouth,andforthetroublesthatyoungpeopleappearto
becausingsociety.
Mentalhealthexpertsexaminethefrighteningstatisticsontherapidlyincreasingnumberofchildren
whodevelopseriousorcripplingemotionalproblems,orwhobecomevictimsofdrugaddiction,or
whocommitsuicide.
Thoseexpertslament,saying,"Itisallthefaultofparents."
Politicalleadersandlawenforcementofficialsblameparentsforraisingagenerationofgang
members,homicidalteenagers,violentstudents,andcriminals.Andwhenkidsfailinschool,or
becomehopelessdropouts,teachersandschooladministratorsclaimthattheparentsareatfault.
Yetwhoishelpingparents?Howmucheffortisbeingmadetoassistparentstobecomemore
effectiveinraisingchildren?Wherecanparentslearnwhattheyaredoingwrong,andwhatthey
mightdodifferently?
Parentsareblamed,buttheyarenottrained.Millionsofnewmothersandfatherstakeonajobeach
yearthatranksamongthemostdifficultanyonecanhave.Theytakeaninfant,alittlepersonwhois
almosttotallyhelpless,andtheyassumefullresponsibilityforthechild'sphysicalandpsychological
health,andtrytoraisethechildtobecomeaproductive,cooperative,andcontributingcitizen.What
moredifficultanddemandingjobisthere?Yet,howmanyparentsaretrainedforit?Farmorenow,
thanin1962,when,inPasadena,California,Idecidedtodesignatrainingprogramforparents.There
wereonlyseventeenpeopleinmyfirstclassmostlyparentswhowerealreadyexperiencingserious
problemswiththeirchildren.
Now,somanyyearslater,havingtrainedmorethanoneandahalfmillionparents,wehave
demonstratedthatthiscourse,calledParentEffectivenessTraining,orsimplyP.E.T.,canteachyou
theskillsyouneed,tobemoreeffectiveatthejobofraisingchildren.
Wehavedemonstratedinthisexcitingprogram,thatwithacertainkindoftraining,youcangreatly
increaseyoureffectivenessasaparent.Youcanacquireveryspecificskills,thatwillkeepthe
channelsofcommunicationopenbetweenyouandyourchildrencommunicationinbothdirections.
Andyoucanlearnanewmethodofresolvingparentchildconflicts,thatbringsaboutastrengthening
ofyourrelationship.
TheP.E.T.programhasdemonstratedthatriftsneednotexistinfamilies.Thisprogramhasconvinced
usthatyouandyourchildrencandevelopawarm,intimaterelationship,basedonmutualloveand
respect.
WhenIfirstbecameapracticingclinicalpsychologist,Ihadbeenasconvincedasmostparentsthat
theperiodofrebellionintheteenyearswasbothnormalandinevitable.Ithoughtitwastheresultof
adolescents'universaldesiretoestablishtheirindependence,andrebelagainsttheirparents.Iwassure
thatadolescence,asmoststudieshadshown,wasinvariablyatimeofstormandstressinfamilies.
OurexperiencewithP.E.T.hasprovenmewrong.Timeandtimeagain,parentstrainedinP.E.T.have
reportedthesurprisingabsenceofrebellionandturmoilintheirfamilies.
Iamnowconvincedthatadolescentsarenotsimplyrebellingagainstparents.Theadolescentsonly
rebelagainstcertaindestructivemethodsofdisciplinealmostuniversallyemployedbyparents.
Turmoilanddissensioninyourfamilycanbecometheexception,insteadoftherule,whenyoulearn
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tosubstituteanewmethodforresolvingconflicts.
TheP.E.T.programhasalsothrownnewlight,ontheroleofpunishmentinchildrearing.Manyof
ourP.E.T.parentshaveproventous,thatpunishmentcanbediscardedforever,indealingswith
children.AndImeanallkindsofpunishment,notjustthephysicalkind.Youcanraisechildrenwho
areresponsible,selfdisciplined,andcooperative,withoutyourhavingtorelyontheweaponoffear.
Youcanlearnhowtoinfluencechildrentobehaveoutofgenuineconsiderationforyourneeds,rather
thanoutoffearofpunishment,orwithdrawalofprivileges.
Doesthissoundtoogoodtobetrue?Probablyitdoes.ItdidtomebeforeIhadtheexperienceof
personallytrainingparentsinP.E.T.classes.Likemostprofessionals,Ihadunderestimatedparents.
P.E.T.parentshavetaughtmehowmuchtheyarecapableofchanging,giventheopportunityfor
training.Ihaveanewtrustintheabilityofmothersandfatherstocomprehendnewknowledge,and
acquirenewskills.OurP.E.T.parents,withfewexceptions,havebeeneagertolearnanewapproach
tochildrearing,butfirsttheyhavetobeconvincedthatthenewmethodswillwork.Mostparents
alreadyknowthattheiroldmethodshavebeenineffec
tive.Sotoday'sparentsarereadyforchange,
andourP.E.T.programhasdemonstratedthattheycanchange.
WehavebeenrewardedbyoneotheroutcomeoftheP.E.T.program.Oneofourearliestobjectives
wastoteachparentssomeoftheskillsusedbyprofessionalcounselorsandtherapists,whohave
formaltraininginhelpingchildrenovercomeemotionalproblems,andmaladaptivebehavior.Itmay
seemstrange,orevenpresumptuous,thatwehadsuchaspirations.Preposterousthoughitmaysound
tosomeparents(andtoquiteafewprofessionals),weknownow,thatevenifyouhavenevertakena
basiccollegecourseinpsychology,youcanlearntheseprovenskills,andyoucanlearnhow,and
when,toemploythemeffectivelytohelpyourchildren.
DuringthegrowthofP.E.T.,wehavecometoacceptarealitythatsometimesmakesusdiscouraged,
yetmoreoftenmakesusfeelallthemorechallenged.Parentstodayrelyalmostuniversallyonthe
samemethodsofraisingchil
dren,anddealingwithproblemsintheirfamilies,thatwereusedbytheir
ownparents,bytheirparents'parents,andbytheirgrandparents'parents.Unlikealmostallother
institutionsofsociety,theparentchildrelationshipseemstohavere
mainedunchanged,andparents
arestilldependingonmethodsusedtwothousandyearsago.
Notthatthehumanracehasacquirednonewknowl
edgeabouthumanrelationships.Quitethe
contrary.Psychology,childdevelopment,andotherbehavioralscienceshaveamassedimpressivenew
knowledgeaboutchildren,parents,interpersonalrelationships,howtohelpanotherpersongrow,and
howtocreateapsychologicallyhealthyclimateforpeople.Alotisknownabouteffectivepersonto
personcommunications,theeffectsofusingpowerinhumanrelationships,constructiveconflict
resolution,andsoon.
Thisbookpresentsacomprehensivephilosophy,aboutwhatittakesforyoutoeffectivelyestablish,
andmaintain,atotalrelation
shipwithyourchild,inanyandallcircumstances.Youwilllearnnot
onlymethodsandskills,butalsowhenandwhytheyaretobeused.Youwillbegivenasystem,
completewithprinciples,aswellastechniques.
Itismyconvictionthatparentsmustbetoldthewholestory,includingallthatweknowabout
creatingeffectiveparentchildrela
tionships,beginningwithsomefundamentals,aboutwhatgoeson
inallrelationshipsbetweentwopeople.ThenyouwillunderstandwhyyouareusingtheP.E.T.
methods,andwhenitisappropriateforyoutousethem,andwhatoutcomesyoucanexpect.Youwill
begivenachancetobecomeanexpert,indealingwiththeinevitableproblemsthatcomeup,inall
parentchildrelationships.
Inthisbook,youwillbegiveneverythingweknow,notjustbitsandpieces.Youwillgetacomplete
modelforeffectivepar
entchildrelationships.Thatmodelwillbedescribedindetail,andwill
frequentlybeillustrated,withcasematerialfromourexperi
ences.
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MostparentsconsiderP.E.T.quiterevolutionary,be
causeitdiffersdramaticallyfromtradition.And
yet,P.E.T.workswithveryyoungchildren,withteenagers,withhandicappedchildren,aswellas
with"normal"children.
P.E.T.willbedescribedintermsfamiliartoeveryone,andnotintechnicaljargon.Initially,some
parentsfindthemselvesdisagreeing,withsomeofourconcepts,butyouwillfindthatyouarealways
abletounderstandourmethods.
Sinceyouwillnotbeable,toexpressyourconcernsfacetofacewithaninstructor,herearesome
typicalquestions,withouranswerstothosequestionsthatparentshavehadatthispoint.
QUESTION:Isthisanotherpermissiveapproachtoraisingchildren?
ANSWER:Definitelynot.Permissiveparentsgetintoasmuchtroubleasoverlystrictparents,
becausekidsofoverlypermissiveparentsoftenturnouttobeselfish,unmanageable,uncooperative,
andinconsiderateoftheneedsoftheirparents.
QUESTION:Canoneparentusethisnewapproacheffectively,iftheotherparentstickstotheirold
approach?
ANSWER:Yesandno.Ifonlyoneparentstartstousethisnewapproach,therewillbeadefinite
improvementintherelationshipbetweenthatparentandthechildren.Buttherelationshipbetweenthe
otherparentandthechildrenmaygetworse.Farbetterthen,forbothparentstolearnthenew
methods.Furthermore,whenbothparentstrytolearnthisnewapproachtogether,theycanhelpeach
otheragreatdeal.
QUESTION:Willparentslosetheirinfluenceoverthechildrenwiththisnewapproach,andbe
abandoningtheirresponsibilitytogiveguidanceanddirectiontotheirchildren'slives?
ANSWER:Asparentsreadthefirstchaptersofthisbook,theymaygetthatimpression.Abookcan
onlypresentasystemstepbystep.Theearlychaptersdealwithwaystohelpchildrenfindtheirown
solutionstoproblemstheyencounter.Inthesesituations,theroleofaneffectiveparentwillseem
different,andmuchmorepassive,ornondirective,thanmostparentsareaccustomedto.Later
chapters,however,dealwithhowtomodifyunacceptablebehaviorofchildren,andhowtoinfluence
themtobeconsiderateofyourneedsasaparent.Inthesesituations,youwillbeshownspecificways
ofbeinganevenmoreresponsibleparent,thanyouarenow,andshownwaysofacquiringevenmore
influence,thanyounowhave.Itmightbehelpfultocheckthetableof"Contents,"forthesubjects
coveredinlaterchapters.
Thisbookstartsbyteachingyouarathereasytolearnmethod,forencouragingkidstoaccept
responsibilityforfindingtheirownsolutions,totheirownproblems.Weillustratehowyoucanput
thatmethodtoworkrightawayinyourhome.Whenyoulearnthismethod,called"ActiveListening,"
youwillthenhaveexperiencessimilartothefollowing,thatP.E.T.trainedparentshavedescribed:
"Itissucharelief,nottothinkthatIhavetohave,alltheanswerstomychildren'sproblems."
"P.E.T.hashelpedmetohaveamuchgreaterappreciation,forthecapacitiesofmychildren,
forsolvingtheirownproblems."
"Iwasamazedathowwelltheactivelisteningmethodworks.Mykidscomeupwithsolutions
totheirproblems,thatareoftenfarbetterthananyIcouldhavegiventhem."
"IguessIhavealwaysbeenveryuncomfortableaboutplayingtheroleofGod,andfeelingthatI
shouldknow,whatmykidsshoulddowhentheyhaveproblems."
Today,thousandsofadolescentshavefiredtheiruntrainedparents,andasfarasthekidsare
concerned,itisforgoodreasons.Hereisasamplingofstatementsfromthosedisgruntledchildren.
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"Mymomdoesnotunderstandkidsmyage."
"Ijusthatetogohome,andgetlecturedto,everynight."
"Inevertellmyparentsanything.IfIdid,theywouldnotunderstand."
"Iwishmydadwouldgetoffmyback."
"AssoonasIcan,Iamgoingtoleavehome.Icannotstandbeingconstantlyhassledabout
everything."
Usually,thosekids'parentsarewellawarethattheyhavelosttheirjobs,asevidencedbythese
statementsmadeatthebeginningofourP.E.T.classes:
"Ihaveabsolutelynoinfluenceanymore,overmysixteenyearoldboy."
"WehavegivenuponAngela."
"Rickywillnotevereatwithus,andhehardlyeversaysawordtous.Nowhewantsaroomout
inthegarage."
"Markisneverhome,andhewillnevertellmewherehegoes,orwhatheisdoing.IfIeverask
him,hetellsmeitisnoneofmybusiness."
Tome,itisatragedythatoneofthepotentiallymostin
timate,andsatisfyingrelationshipsinlife,so
oftencreatesbadblood.Whydosomanyadolescentscometoseetheirparents,astheenemy?Whyis
theresuchariftbetweenparentsandchildren?Whyareparentsandyouthinourso
ciety,literallyat
warwitheachother?
Chapter14willdealwiththesequestions,andshows,whyitbecomesunnecessaryforkidstorebel,or
revoltagainsttheirparents.P.E.T.isrevolutionary,yes,butitisnotamethodthatinvitesrevolution.
Rather,itisamethodforparentstoavoidbeingfired.Itcanpreventwarinthehome,andratherthan
beingopposedagainsteachother,ashostileantagonists,parentsandchildrenarebroughtcloser
together.
Ifyouareinitiallyinclinedtorejectourmeth
odsastoorevolutionary,youmayfindthemotivation,to
studythemwithanopenmind,bythefollowingexcerpt,fromareportsubmittedbyamotherand
father,aftertheyhadtakenP.E.T.
"Bill,atsixteen,wasourgreatestproblem.Hewases
trangedfromus.Hewasrunningwild,and
wascompletelyirre
sponsible.HewasgettinghisfirstD'sandF'sinschool.Henevercame
homeattheagreedtimes,offeringasexcusesflattires,brokenwatches,andemptygastanks.
Wespiedonhim,andfoundhehadliedtous.Wegroundedhim.Wetookawayhislicense.We
dockedhisallowance.Ourconversationswerefullofrecriminations.Alltonoavail.Afterone
violentargument,helayonthekitchenfloorandkickedandscreamed,andshoutedthathewas
goingcrazy.AtthatpointweenrolledinDr.Gordon'sclassforparents.Changedidnotcome
overnight...
"Wehadneverfeltlikeaunit,norlikeawarmandloving,deeplycaringfamily.Thisonlycame
aboutaftergreatchangesinourattitudesandvalues...
"Thisnewidea,ofbeingaperson,astrong,separateperson,expressingourownvalues,butnot
forcingthemonothers,andbybeingagoodmodel,thatwastheturningpoint.Wehadmuch
greaterinfluence...Fromrebellion,fitsofrage,andfailureinschool,Billchangedtoanopen,
friendly,lovingperson,whocallshisparents,'twoofmyfavoritepeople.'...Heisfinallyback
inthefamily...IhavearelationshipwithhimIneverbelievedpossible,fulloflove,andtrust,
andindependence.Heisstronglyinternallymotivated,and,wheneachoneofusisalso,we
reallylive,andgrowasafamily."
Ifyoulearntouseournewwaysofcommunicatingyourfeelings,youarenotlikelytoproducea
childlikeanothersixteenyearoldboy,whosatinmyoffice,andannouncedwithastraightface:
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"Idonothavetodoanythingaroundthehouse.WhyshouldI?Itismyparents'jobtotakecare
ofme.Theyarelegallyrequiredto.Ididnotasktobeborn,didI?"
WhenIheardwhatthisyoungmansaid,andobviouslybelieved,Icouldnothelpbutthinktomyself,
"Whatkindofpersonsareweproducing,ifchildrenarepermittedtogrowupwiththeattitude,that
theworldowesthemsomuch,eventhoughtheygivebacksolittle?Whatkindofcitizensareparents
sendingoutintotheworld?Whatkindofsocietywilltheseselfishhumanbeingsmake?"
Almostwithoutexception,untrainedparentscanberoughlycategorizedintothreedifferentgroups:
the"winners,"the"losers,"andthe"oscillators."
Parentsinthe"winners"group,stronglydefendandpersuasivelyjustifytheirrighttoexercise
authority,andpoweroverthechild.Theybelieveinrestricting,settinglimits,demandingcertain
behaviors,givingcommands,andexpectingobedience.Theyusethreatsofpunishmenttoinfluence
thechildtoobey,andtheymeteoutpunishmentswhenthechilddoesnot.Whenaconflictarises
betweentheneedsoftheparents,andthoseofthechild,theseparentsconsistentlyresolvetheconflict
insuchaway,thattheparentwins,andthechildloses.Generally,theseparentsrationalizetheir
"winning"bysuchstereotypedthinkingas:
"Thisisthewaymyparentsraisedme,andIturnedoutprettywell."
"Itisforthegoodofthechild."
"Childrenactuallywantparentalauthority."
Orparentssimplyexpressthisvaguenotion:
"Itistheresponsibilityofparentstousetheirauthorityforthegoodofthechild,because
parentsknowbestwhatisrightandwrong."
The'losers'groupofparents,somewhatfewerinnumberthanthe"winners,"allowtheirchildrena
greatdealoffreedommostofthetime.Theyconsciouslyavoidsettinglimits,andproudlyadmitthat
theydonotcondoneauthoritarianmethods.Whenaconflictoccursbetweentheneedsoftheparent,
andthoseofthechild,ratherconsistently,itisthechildwhowins,andtheparentwholoses,because
suchparentsbelieveitisharmful,tofrustratethechild'sneeds.
Probablythelargestgroupofparentsismadeup,ofthosewhofinditimpossibletofollow
consistently,eitherofthosefirsttwoapproaches.Consequently,intryingtoarriveatajudicious
mixtureofeach,theyoscillatebackandforthbetweenbeingstrict,andbeinglenient,betweentough
andeasy,betweenrestrictiveandpermissive,orbetweenwinningandlosing.
Asonemothertoldus:
"Itrytobepermissivewithmychildren,untiltheygetsobad,Icannotstandthem.ThenIfeel
Ihavetochange,andIstartusingmyauthority,untilIgetsostrict,thatIcannotstandmyself."
ThemotherwhohadsharedthosefeelingsintheP.E.T.class,wasunknowinglyspeakingforthelarge
numberofparentsinthe"oscillatinggroup."Thosearetheparentswhoarethemostconfusedand
uncertain,and,asweshallshowlater,theyaretheparentswhosechildrenareoftenthemost
disturbed.
Themajordilemmaoftoday'sparents,isthattheyperceiveonlytwoapproachestohandlingthe
inevitableparentchildconflictsinthehome.Sincetheyseeonlytwoalternativesinchildrearing,
someparentschoosethe"Iwin,andyoulose"approach,somechoosethe"Youwin,andIlose"
approach,whileothersseeminglycannotdecidebetweenthetwo.
ParentsinP.E.T.aresurprisedtolearn,thatthereisanalternativetothetwo"winlose"methods.We
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callitthe"nolose"methodofresolvingconflicts,andhelpingparentslearnhowtousethenolose
methodeffectively,isoneoftheprincipalaimsoftheP.E.T.training.Whilethismethodhasbeen
usedforyearsforresolvingothertypesofconflicts,fewparentshaveeverthoughtofitasamethod
forresolvingparentchildconflicts.
Manyhusbandsandwivesresolveconflictsbetweenthemselves,bymutualproblemsolving.Sodo
businesspartners.Laborunionsandmanagement,negotiatecontractsthatarebindingtobothparties.
Propertysettlementsindivorcesareoftenarrivedat,byjointdecisionmaking.Childreneven
frequentlyworkouttheirconflictswithotherchildren,bymutualagreement,orinformalcontracts
acceptabletoeachother.("Ifyoudothis,thenIwillagreetodothat").Withincreasingfrequency,
corporationsaretrainingexecutivestouseparticipativedecisionmakinginresolvingconflicts.
Thenolosemethodisnotagimmick,norisitaquickfixforeffectiveparenthood.Itrequiresarather
basicchange,intheattitudesofmostparentstowardtheirchildren,andittakestimetouseinthe
home.
Thenolosemethodalsorequiresthatyoufirstlearntheskillofnonevaluativelistening,wecall
'activelistening',andthatyoulearnhowtohonestlycommunicateyourownfeelings,withwhatwe
call'Imessages'.Thenolosemethodisdescribedandillustratedinlaterchaptersofthisbook.
Thelatterpositionofthenolosemethodinthisbook,however,doesnotreflectthetrueimportanceof
itinourtotalapproachtochildrearing.Infact,thisnewmethodofbringingdisciplineintothehome,
througheffectivemanagementofconflict,istheheartandsoulofourphilosophy.Itisthemasterkey
toparenteffectiveness.Parentswhotakethetimetounderstandthenolosemethod,andthen
conscientiouslyemployitathome,asthealternativetothetwowinlosemethods,areusuallyrichly
rewarded,farbeyondtheirhopesandexpectations.
Chapter2ParentsArePersons,NotGods.
Version2013.11.12
Whenpeoplebecomeparents,somethingstrangeandunfortunateoftenhappens.Theyoftenbeginto
assumearole,oractapart,andtheyforgetthattheyarepersons.Theythinkthatnowthattheyhave
enteredthesacredrealmofparenthood,theymusttakeupthemantleof"parents."Thentheyearnestly
trytobehaveincertainways,becausetheythinkthatishowparentsaresupposedtoact.Forexample,
HeatherandJamesMarkinson,twohumanbeings,aresuddenlytransformedintoMrs.andMr.
Markinson,parents.
Inaveryseriousway,thistransformationisunfortunate,becauseitsooftenresultsinparents
forgettingtherealityoftheirownhumanness.Theythenceasetobeauthentic,becausetheyforget
thattheyarestillrealhumans,withrealhumanfaults,realhumanlimitations,andrealhuman
feelings.Regardlessofwhatevertheymayhappentobefeelingatthemoment,theynolongerfeel
freetobethemselves,So,nowasparents,theythinktheyhavearesponsibilitytobesomethingbetter
thanmerepersons.
Thatterribleburdenofresponsibility,bringsachallengetothesepersonsturnedparents.Theythink
theymustalwaysbeconsistentintheirfeelings,andintheirlovingoftheirchildren,Theythinkthey
mustbeunconditionallyacceptingandtolerant.Theyfeeltheymustunselfishlyputasidetheirown
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needs,andmakesacrificesforthechildren.Theythinktheymustbefairatalltimes,andaboveall,
theymustnotmakethemistakestheirownparentsmade.
Thosegoodintentionsareadmirable,andunderstandable,butratherthanmakingparentsmore
effective,theyareusuallycounterproductive.Forgettingyourhumannessisthefirstseriousmistake
youcanmakeonenteringparenthood.Tobeaneffectiveparent,youmustletyourselfbeapersona
realperson.Childrendeeplyappreciatethisqualityofrealnessandhumannessintheirparents.They
oftensayso,asin,"Mydadisnotafake,"or,"Mymomisagreatperson."Thenasthosechildren
moveintoadolescence,theywillsometimessay,"Myparentsaremorelikefriendsthanparents.They
arecoolpeople.Theyhavegotfaults,likeeveryoneelse,butIlikethemthewaytheyare."
Whatthosekidsaresaying,isthattheyliketheirparentstobepersons,notgods.Childrenrespond
favorablytotheirparentsaspeople,notasactorsplayingsomepart,pretendingtobesomethingthey
arenot.
Howcanyoubeapersonforyourchildren?Howcanyoumaintainaqualityofrealnessinyour
parenthood?Inthischapter,wewanttoshowyouthattobeaneffectiveparent,itisnotnecessaryfor
youtothrowawayyourhumanness.
Youneedtoacceptyourselfasaperson,whohaspositive,aswellasnegativefeelingstoward
children.Youdonothavetobeabsolutelyconsistenttobeaneffectiveparent.Youdonothaveto
pretendtofeelaccepting,orloving,towardachild,whenyougenuinelydonotfeelthatway.You
alsodonothavetofeelthesamedegreeofloveandacceptance,towardeachofyourchildren.Finally,
youandyourspousedonothavetoputupacommonfront,inyourdealingswiththechildren.Butit
isessentialthatyoulearntoknowwhatitisyouarefeeling.
TheConceptofAcceptance
Youarearealperson,whowillfromtimetotime,havetwodifferentkindsoffeelingstowardyour
child.Asarealperson,youwillsometimesfeelacceptingofwhatyourchildisdoing,andother
times,youwillnot.
Abehaviorissomethingthatyourchilddoesorsays,andyourjudgmentoftheirbehavioris
somethingseparatefromthebehavioritself.Forexample,thechild'sleavingclothesonthefloorisa
behavior,whereas,wereyoutolabelthechildassloppy,thatwouldbeyourjudgmentoftheir
behavior.
Allofyourchild'spossiblebehaviors,includingeverythingthechildmightpossiblydoorsay,canbe
representedbyarectanglewecallthebehaviorwindow.
Parentscanreadilyacceptsomeofachild'sbehaviors,andsomebehaviorstheycannot.Werepresent
thisdifferencebydividingthebehaviorwindowintotwoareasanareaofacceptance,andanareaof
nonacceptance.
Forexample,ifyourchildiswatchingTVonSaturdaymorning,andisleavingyoufreetodosome
chores,thatwouldbeanacceptablebehaviortoyou.If,however,yourchildhasthevolumeontheTV
upsoloudthatitisdrivingyounuts,thenthatbehaviorwouldbeunacceptable.
Whetherachild'sbehaviorisacceptableornot,willvarybetweendifferentparents,andwillvary
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dependingonthemoodoftheparent.Whetherornotyoufindaspecificbehavioracceptablewillalso
varydependingonthesituationathandandmayalsovarydependingonwhichchilditis.
Parentsaredifferent
Thelinebetweenallofthechild'sacceptableandallofthechild'sunacceptablebehaviorswillbe
drawndifferentlyfordifferentparents.
Oneparentmayfindveryfewbehaviorsofthechildunacceptable,andthusthatparentquite
frequentlyfeelswarm,andacceptingtowardthechild.
Anotherparentmayfindmanybehaviorsofthechildunacceptable,andwillnotoftenbeabletofeel
warm,andacceptingtowardthechild.
Howacceptingaparentistowardachildispartlyafunctionofthekindofpersonthattheparentis.
Someparents,becauseoftheirinnermakeup,havethecapacitytobeveryacceptingtowardchildren.
Suchparents,interestinglyenough,areusuallyveryacceptingtowardpeopleingeneral.
Beingacceptingofothers,isapersonalitytraitthatarises,fromasenseoftheirowninnersecurity.
Theirhightolerancelevelstemsfromthefactthattheylikethemselves.Theirfeelingsabout
themselves,arequiteindependentofwhathappensaroundthem,andtheyhostanassortmentof
pleasantpersonalitytraits.
Everybodyhasknownsuchpeople,andalthoughyoumaynothaveknownwhatmadethemthatway,
youregardthemasacceptingofothers.Youfeelgoodaroundthem,youcantalkopenlytothem,and
youcanletyourhairdown.Inotherwords,youcanbeyourself.
Otherparents,aspersons,arejustplainnonacceptingtowardothers.Theysomehowfindmuchof
otherpeople'sbehavior,unacceptabletothem.Whenyouobservethemwiththeirchildren,youmay
bepuzzled,astowhysomuchofthechildren'sbehavior,thatseemsacceptabletoyou,is
unacceptabletotheparent.Inwardlyyoumaysaytoyourself,"Ohcomeon.Letthechildrenalone.
Theyarenotbotheringanyone."
Thoseparentsoftenhaveverystrong,andrigidnotions,abouthowothersshouldact,andaboutwhich
behaviorsarerightorwrongandnotjustforchildren,buteveryone.Youmayfeelvaguely
uncomfortablearoundsuchpeople,becauseyouprobablyhavedoubtsaboutwhetherornottheyare
acceptingofyou.
Recently,Iobservedamotherwithhertwoyoungsonsinasupermarket.Tome,theboysseemed
ratherwellbehaved.Theywerenotboisterous,norweretheycausinganytrouble.Yet,themother
wasconstantlytellingtheboyswhattheyshould,orshouldnotbedoing,bysayingthingslike,"Keep
upwithmenow.""Handsoffthecart.""Willyoumove?Youareintheway.""Hurryup!""Donot
touchthefood."And,"Leaveyourbrotheralone."
Itwasasifthismothercouldnotacceptanythingthosechildrenweredoing.
Thelinethatdividesthebehaviorsyouaccept,fromthebehaviorsyoudonotaccept,isaresultof
yourpersonality.Butthatlinewillalsovaryfromchildtochild,becauseitishardertofeelaccepting
towardsomechildren.Achildmaybeoverlyactiveandaggressive,ormayexhibitcertaintraitsthat
youdonotparticularlyadmire.Achildwhobeginslifewithillnesses,orhascolic,ordoesnotgoto
sleepeasily,orcriesfrequently,understandably,willbemorechallengingforyoutoaccept.
Theidea,advocatedinmanybooksandarticleswrittenforparents,thatyoushouldfeelequally
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acceptingofeachofyourchildren,isnotonlymisleading,butithascausedmanyparentstofeel
guiltywhentheydoexperiencedifferentdegreesofacceptancetowardtheirchildren.Youmight
readilyagreethatyoufeeldifferentdegreesofacceptancetowardtheadultsyoumeet.Whyshouldit
beanydifferentinthewayyoufeeltowardchildren?
Also,youracceptanceofaparticularchild,isinfluencedbythecharacteristicsofthatchild.
Someparentsfinditeasiertoacceptgirlsthanboys,orviceversa.Highlymobilechildrenareharder
forsomeparentstoaccept.Active,andcuriouschildrenwholiketoindependentlyexploremany
things,arehardertoacceptbysomeparents,thanchildrenwhoaremorepassiveanddependent.
Ihaveknownsomechildrenwhoinexplicablyhadsuchcharmandappealforme,thatitseemedI
couldacceptalmostanythingtheywoulddo.Ihavealsohadthemisfortunetoencountersomekids
whoseverypresencewasunpleasanttome,andmuchoftheirbehaviorseemedunacceptabletome.
Additionally,whetherachild'sbehavioris,orisnotacceptabletoyou,willvarydependingonyour
currentstateofmind,aswellasthespecificsituationinwhichyouandyourchildfindyourselves.
Fewerthingsthatthechilddoeswillbotheryouwhenyouarefeelinggoodaboutyourself.Inother
words,whenyouarefeelingenergetic,healthy,andhappywithyourself,youaremorelikelytofeel
acceptingofmuchofyourchild'sbehavior.
Whenyouhaveaheadache,oryoufeeldeadtiredfromlackofsleep,orinanywayfeelirritable
towardyourself,manythingsthatyourchilddoes,mightbotheryou.
Yourfeelingsofacceptancewillalsochangefromonesituation,tothenext.Youmayrecognizethat
youarenotasacceptingofyourchild'sbehaviorwhenyouarevisitingfriends,asopposedtowhen
youareathome.Oryourleveloftoleranceforyourchildren'sbehavior,mightfallwhengrandparents
cometovisit.
Itmustbepuzzlingtochildren,whentheirparentsgetangryattheirtablemannerswhilecompanyis
visiting,eventhoughthesesamemannershadbeenacceptable,whenthefamilywasnotentertaining.
Theexistenceoftwoparentsaddstothecomplexityoftheacceptancepictureinfamilies.Tobegin
with,oftenoneparentisbasicallymoreacceptingthantheother.
Jack,astrong,activefiveyearoldboy,picksupafootballandstartsthrowingittohisbrotherinthe
livingroom.MothergetsupsetandfindsthisquiteunacceptablebecauseofherfearsthatJackwill
damagesomethingintheroom.Dad,however,notonlyacceptsthebehavior,butproudlysays,"Look
atJack.Heisgoingtobearealballplayer.Lookatthatforwardpass,willyou!"
Eachparent'slevelofacceptancewillfluctuate,dependinguponthesituation,andupontheirstateof
mind.So,parentswillnotalwaysfeelthesamewayateverymoment,aboutthesamebehaviorof
theirchild.
ParentsCanandWillBeInconsistent
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Inevitably,parentswillbeinconsistent.Howcouldtheybeanythingelse,whentheirfeelingsare
changingfromdaytoday,fromchildtochild,andfromsituationtosituation?Consequently,thepoint
whereeachparentdrawstheline,betweenacceptableandunacceptablebehaviors,willvaryasa
result.
Ifparentstriedtoalwaysbeconsistent,theywouldnotbereal.Thetraditionaladmonitiontoparents,
thattheymustbeconsistentwiththeirchildrenatallcosts,ignoresthefacts:thatchildrenare
different,thatsituationsaredifferent,andthatMomandDadarehumanswhosefeelingschange.Such
advicehastheharmfuleffectofinfluencingparentstopretend,andtoactthepartofapersonwhose
feelingsarealwaysthesame.
ParentsDoNotHavetoPutUpa"UnitedFront"
Evenmoreimportantly,advicetoparentstobeconsistent,hasledmanyamotherandfathertothink
thattheyshouldalwaysbetogetherintheirfeelings,andtopresentaunitedfronttotheirchildren.
Thatisnonsense.Yet,thatisoneofthemostentrenchedbeliefsinchildrearing.Parents,accordingto
thattraditionalnotion,shouldalwaysbackeachotherup,sothatthechildisledtobelievethatboth
parentsfeelthesamewayaboutaparticularbehavior.
Apartfromtheutterunfairnessofthestrategy,ofganginguponthechild,inatwoagainstone
alignment,theparents'unitedfrontoftenpromotesunrealnessonthepartofoneoftheparents.
Forexample,asixteenyearoldgirl'sroommightnotbekeptcleanenoughtomeethermother's
standards,andsothedaughter'scleaninghabitsareunacceptabletothemother.Herfather,however,
mightfindtheroomacceptablyclean,andsohisdaughter'sbehavioriswithinhisareaofacceptance.
Motherputspressureonthefathertofeelthesamewayabouttheroomasshedoes,sothattheycan
haveaunitedfront,andthus,themotherhopes,theywillhavemoreinfluenceonthedaughter.But,if
thefathergoesalong,heisbeinguntruetohisrealfeelings.
Or,asanotherexample,asixyearoldboyisplayingwithhisvideogames,andismakingmoreracket
thanhisfathercanaccept.Mother,however,isnotbotheredatall,andsheisdelightedthattheboyis
playingindependently,insteadofhangingaroundherashehaddoneallday.Fatherapproaches
mother,saying,"Whydon'tyoudosomethingtostophimmakingallthatnoise?"IfMothergoes
along,sheisbeinguntruetoherrealfeelings.
FalseAcceptance
Noparentfeelsacceptingofallthebehaviorsoftheirchild.Somebehaviorswillalwaysbeinthe
realmofnonacceptancetotheparent.WhileIhaveknownparentswhowereveryacceptingofmost
oftheirchild'sbehaviors,Ihavenevermetanunconditionallyacceptingparent.
Someparentspretendtobeacceptingofmuchoftheirchildren'sbehavior,butthoseparentsarejust
playingtheroleofbeingagoodparent.Therefore,acertainamountoftheiracceptanceisfalse.
Outwardlytheymayactinanacceptingway,butinwardlytheyarereallyfeelingnonaccepting.
Supposeaparentisfeelingirritatedbecausetheirfiveyearoldisstayinguplate.Theparenthas
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desiresoftheirown,say,toreadanewbook.Theparentwouldprefertoread,ratherthandevotetime
tothechild.Also,theparentmightbeworriedaboutthechild'snotgettingenoughsleep,andthen
beingirritablethenextdayorperhapscatchingacold.Yetthatparent,intryingtofollowthe
permissiveapproachtoparenthood,isreluctanttomakedemandsonthechild,forfearthismightbe
inconsistentwiththeirprinciples.Thisparentcannothelpbutshowfalseacceptance.Whileactingas
ifacceptingofthechild'sstayingup,inside,theparentisnotacceptingofitatall.Theparentis
feelingquiteirritated,perhapsangry,andundoubtedlyfrustrated,becausetheirownneedsarenot
beingmet.
Whataretheeffectsonachild,whenaparentisbeingfalselyaccepting?Children,aseverybody
knows,areamazinglysensitivetotheattitudesoftheirparents.Kidsareratheruncannyinsensing
theirparents'truefeelings,becauseparentssendnonverbalmessagestotheirchildren.Thosecuesthat
areperceivedbythechildren,sometimesconsciously,andsometimesunconsciously.Aparentwhose
innerattitudeisoneofirritationoranger,cannothelpbutgiveoffsubtlecues,perhapsafrown,a
liftedeyebrow,aparticulartoneofvoice,acertainposture,oratensenessoftheirfacialmuscles.
Evenveryyoungchildrenpickupsuchcues,learningfromtheirexperiencethatthesecuesusually
meanthattheirparentisnotreallyacceptingofwhattheyaredoing.Consequently,thechildrenare
inclinedtofeeltheparent'sdisapprovalatthatmoment,andthechildrenmayevenfeelthattheparent
doesnotlikethem.
Whathappenswhenaparentgenuinelyfeelsnonaccepting,butactsasifthechild'sbehavioris
acceptable?Thechildreceivesmixedmessages,orcontradictorycues,andnowthekidisreally
confused.Theparentmaytellthechildthatitisallrighttostayup,buttheparent'snonverbalcuessay
thattheparentdoesnotactuallylikethechildforstayingup.Thekidisinabind.Thechildwantsto
stayup,butalsowantstobelovedandaccepted.Stayingupseemstobeacceptabletomomordad,
yetthereisthatfrownontheparent'sface.Nowwhatshouldthechilddo?
Puttingachildinsuchabindcanseriouslyaffecttheirpsychologicalhealth.Everyoneknowshow
frustratinganduncomfortableitis,whenyoudonotknowwhichbehaviortochoose,afteryouget
mixedmessagesfromanotherperson.
Supposeyouaskyourfriendifitisallrightforyoutosmokeacigaretteintheirpresence,andyour
friendreplies,"Idonotmind."Yet,whenyoulightup,theireyesandfacegiveoffnonverbalcues
thattellyouthattheydoindeedmind.
Whatdoyoudo?Youmightaskthem,"Areyousureyoudonotmind?"Oryoumayputyour
cigaretteaway,andfeelresentful.Oryougoaheadandsmoke,allthetimefeelingthatyourfriendis
nothappyaboutyoursmoking.
Childrenexperiencethesamesortofdilemma,whentheyareconfrontedwithacceptancethatappears
dishonest.Frequentexposuretosuchsituationscancausechildrentofeelunloved.Itwilloftenbring
ontestingoftheparentbythechildren.Itcauseskidstocarryaroundaheavyloadofanxiety,fosters
feelingsofinsecurity,andsoon.
Ihavecometobelievethatthemostdifficultparentsforchildrentocopewith,aretheparentswhoare
honeymouthed,permissive,andundemanding,andwhoactasiftheyareaccepting,butyetthey
subtlycommunicatenonacceptance.
Thereisanotherseriousbyproductofparentsbeingfalselyaccepting,andinthelongrun,itisvery
harmfultotheparentchildrelationship.Whenachildreceivesmixedmessages,thatchildwillbegin
tohavegravedoubtsaboutthehonesty,orgenuinenessoftheparent.Thechildlearnsfrommany
experiencesthattheparentoftensaysonething,butfeelsanother.Eventuallythechildgrowsto
distrustsuchaparent.Herearesomefeelingsthatteenagershavesharedwithme.
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"Mymotherisphony.Sheactssosweet,butshereallyisnot."
"Icannevertrustmyparents,becauseeventhoughtheydonotsayso,Iknowthattheydonot
approveofalotofthethingsIdo."
"IgoalongthinkingmydaddoesnotcarewhattimeIgetin.ThenifIgetintoolate,Igetthe
silenttreatmentthenextday."
"Myparentsarenotstrictatall.TheyletmedoprettymuchwhatIwanttodo.ButIcantell
whattheydisapproveof."
"EverytimeIcometothetablewearingmynosering,mymomgetsadisgustedlookonher
face.Butshedoesnoteversayanything."
"Mymotherissototallysweetandsounderstandingallthetime,butIknowshedoesnotlike
thekindofpersonIam.Shelikesmybrother,becauseheismorelikeher."
Whenchildrenhavesuchfeelings,itisevidentthattheirparentshavenotreallyconcealedtheirtrue
feelingsorattitudes,eventhoughtheymayhavethoughttheyweredoingit.Inarelationshipasclose
andenduringastheparentchildrelationship,theparent'struefeelingsseldomcanbehiddenfromthe
child.
Sowhenparentshavebeeninfluencedbytheadvocatesof"permissiveness"totrytoactinan
acceptingwayfarbeyondtheirowntrueattitudes,theyhaveseriouslyharmedtherelationshipwith
theirchildren,aswellasproducedpsychologicaldamagetothechildrenthemselves.Parentsneedto
understandthattheyhadbetternottrytoextendtheirareaofacceptancebeyondwhattheirtrue
attitudesare.Farbetterforparentstorealizewhentheyarenotfeelingacceptingandnotpretendthat
theyare.
CanYouAccepttheChildbutNotTheirBehavior?
Idon'tknowwherethisideaoriginated,butithashadwideacceptanceandgreatappeal,particularly
forparentswhohavebeeninfluencedbytheadvocatesofpermissivenessyetwhoarehonestenough
withthemselvestorealizetheydonotalwaysaccepttheirchildren'sbehavior.Ihavecometobelieve
thatthisisanotherfaultyandharmfulideaonethatencouragesparentstobeunreal.Whileitmight
relievesomeoftheguiltthatparentshavebeenmadetofeelwhentheyarenonacceptingoftheir
children,thisideahasbeendamagingtomanyparentchildrelationships.
Theerroneousideathataparentcanbeacceptingofachildatthetimestheparentisnotacceptingof
thechild'sbehavior,givestheparentasortofprofessionalsanctiontouseauthorityandpowerto
restrict,ortosetlimitsoncertainbehaviorsthattheparentcannotaccept.Parentshaveinterpretedthis
tomeanthatitisallrightforthemtocontrol,restrict,prohibit,ormakedemandsoftheirchildren,just
aslongastheparentfindssomecleverwaytodoit,sothatthechilddoesnotperceiveitasarejection
ofthechild,butratherasanunacceptanceofthechild'sbehavior.
Thatisafallacy.Howcanyoubeacceptingofyourchild,independentofandcontrarytoyournon
acceptingfeelingstowardwhateverthechildisdoingorsaying?Whatis"thechild"ifitisnotthe
behavingchild,actinginaparticularwayataparticularmomentintime?Itisabehavingchildtoward
whomaparenthasfeelings,whetheracceptingornonnaccepting,notsomeabstractioncalled"child."
Iamcertainthatfromthechild'sownviewpointitappearsthesametoher.Ifshesensesthatyouare
notfeelingacceptingofherputtingherdirtyshoesonyournewcouch.
Idoubtverymuchthatshethenmakesthehighlevelinferencethateventhoughyoudonotlikeher
feetonthecouchbehavior,youneverthelessfeelveryacceptingofherasaperson.Quitethe
contrarysheundoubtedlyfeelsthatbecauseofwhatsheasatotalpersonisdoingasofthismoment,
youarenotatallacceptingofher.
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Totrytogetachildtounderstandthatherparentacceptsherbutdoesnotacceptwhatshedoes,even
ifitwerepossiblefortheparenttoseparatethetwo,mustbeasdifficultasgettingachildtobelieve
thataspankingsheisbeingadministeredis"hurtingherparentmorethanitisher."Whetherachild
feelsthatsheasapersonisunacceptedwillbedeterminedbyhowmanyofherbehaviorsare
unacceptable.Parentswhofindunacceptableagreatmanythingsthattheirchildrendoorsaywill
inevitablyfosterinthesechildrenadeepfeelingthattheyareunacceptableaspersons.Conversely,
parentswhoareacceptingofagreatmanythingstheirchildrendoorsaywillproducechildrenwho
aremorelikelytofeelacceptableaspersons.
Itisbestforyoutoadmittoyourself(andtothechild)thatyoudon'tacceptherasapersonwhenshe
isdoingorsayingsomethinginaparticularwayataparticularmoment.Thatwaythechildwilllearn
toperceiveyouasopenandhonest,becauseyouarebeingreal.
Also,whenyoutellachild,"Iacceptyou,butstopwhatyouaredoing,"youarenotlikelytoalterher
reactiontothisuseofyourpoweronebit.Childrenhatetobedenied,restricted,orprohibitedbytheir
parents,nomatterwhatsortofexplanationaccompaniestheuseofsuchauthorityandpower."Setting
limits"hasahighprobabilityofbackfiringonparentsintheformofresistance,rebellion,lying,and
resentment.Furthermore,therearefarmoreeffectivemethodsforinfluencingchildrentomodify
behaviorunacceptabletotheirparentsthanusingparentalpowerto"setlimits"orrestrict.
OurDefinitionofParentsWhoAreRealPersons
OurBehaviorWindowhelpsparentsunderstandtheirowninevitablefeelingsandtheconditionsthat
influencethesefeelingstochangecontinuously.Realparentswillinevitablyfeelbothacceptingand
nonacceptingtowardtheirchildrentheirattitudetowardthesamebehaviorcannotbeconsistentit
mustvaryfromtimetotime.Theyshouldnot(andcannot)hidetheirtruefeelingstheyshouldaccept
thefactthatoneparentmayfeelacceptingandtheothernonacceptingofthesamebehaviorandthey
shouldrealizethateachwillinevitablyfeeldifferentdegreesofacceptancetowardeachoftheir
children.
Inshort,parentsarepeople,notgods.Theydonothavetoactunconditionallyaccepting,oreven
consistentlyaccepting.Neithershouldtheypretendtobeacceptingwhentheyarenot.Whilechildren
undoubtedlyprefertobeaccepted,theycanconstructivelyhandletheirparent'snonacceptingfeelings
whenparentssendclearandhonestmessagesthatmatchtheirtruefeelings.Notonlywillthismakeit
easierforchildrentocope,butitwillhelpeachchildtoseeherparentasarealpersontransparent,
human,someonewithwhomshewouldliketohavearelationship.
WhoOwnstheProblem?
AcoreconceptintheP.E.T.modelistheprincipleofproblemownership.Itsimportancecannotbe
overstatedbecausesomanyparentsfallintothetrapofassumingresponsibilityforsolvingproblems
thattheirchildrenown,ratherthanencouragingthemtosolvetheirproblemsthemselves.
Parentshavetoldus:
"ThebiggestthingthathappenedtomeintakingP.E.T.wastosortoutwhoownstheproblem.Itwas
absolutelythemostmeaningfulthing.ItjustblewmymindthatmykidshadproblemsandIdidn't
havetoownthemandI'dbeenowningthemforyears."
"WhatarelieftodiscoverthatIdidn'thavetosolveeveryone'sproblems."
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Whenparentsunderstandtheprincipleofproblemownership,itcanhaveaprofoundeffectin
bringingaboutachangeintheirbehaviortowardtheirchildren.Thisconceptisintroducedbymeans
oftheBehaviorWindowweusetodifferentiate"acceptable"and"unacceptable"behaviors.
However,athirdareaneedstobeaddedasshownbelow:
Beginningwiththebottompartoftherectangleontheright,thesebehaviors,youwillremember,are
theonesunacceptabletotheparentbecausetheyinterferewiththeparent'srightorpreventtheparent
gettingherneedsmet.
Examples:
Childdawdlingwhentheparentisinahurry.
Childforgettingtocallwhenhe'llbelatefordinner.
Teenagerplayinghermusicsoloudherparentscan'theareachother.
Suchbehaviorssignalthattheparentownstheproblemandit'suptotheparenttotrytomodifythe
behaviorthatiscausingheraproblem.
InthetoppartoftheBehaviorWindow,weshowbehaviorsofthechildthatsignalthatsheownsa
problemthechild'sneedsarenotbeingmet,thechildisunhappyorfrustratedorintrouble.
Examples:
Childrejectedbyoneofherfriends.
Childfindshishomeworktoodifficult.
Childangryathisteacher.
Teenagerunhappywithbeingoverweight.
Theseareproblemschildrenexperienceintheirownlives,independentandoutsideoftheirparents'
lives.Insuchsituations,thechildownstheproblem.
Themiddleareaofthewindowrepresentsbehaviorofthechild,whichiscausingneithertheparent
northechildaproblem.Thesearethedelightfultimesinparentchildrelationshipswhenparentsand
theirchildrencanbewitheachotherinaproblemfreerelationship,playingtogether,conversing,
working,orsharinganexperience.Thisisthe'Noproblems'area.
It'swhenthechildownstheproblemthatparentsaresooftentemptedtojumpin,assumethe
responsibilityforsolvingit,andthenblamethemselveswhentheycan't.P.E.T.offersparentsan
alternativetohelptheirchildren:Letthechildownherproblemandfindherownsolution.
Somewhatsimplified,thisapproachismadeupoftheseelements:
1.Allchildreninevitablywillencounterproblemsintheirlivesallshapesandkinds.
2.Kidshaveunbelievableandmostlyuntappedpotentialforfindinggoodsolutionstotheir
problems.
3.Ifparentshandthemprepackagedsolutions,childrenremaindependentandfailtodevelop
theirownproblemsolvingskills.They'llkeepcomingtotheirparentseverytimethey
encounteranewproblem.
4.Whenparentstakeover(or"own")theirchildren'sproblems,andthereforeassumefull
responsibilityforcomingupwithgoodsolutions,itbecomesnotonlyaterribleburdenbutalso
animpossibletask.Noonehastheinfinitewisdomtoalwaysgenerategoodsolutionsforother
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people'spersonalproblems.
5.Whenaparentcanacceptthatshedoesnotownthechild'sproblem,thensheisinamuch
betterpositiontobeafacilitatororcatalystorhelpingagent,helpingthechildworkthroughthe
problemsolvingprocessonherown.
6.Kidsdoneedhelpwithcertainkindsofproblems,butinthelongrunthekindofhelpthatis
mosteffectiveis,paradoxically,aformofnonhelp.Moreaccurately,it'sawayofhelpingthat
leavestheresponsibilitywiththechildforsearchingforandfindingherownsolutions.In
P.E.T.wecallthesethe"ListeningSkills."
Whenthechild'sbehaviorcausestheparentaproblem(behaviorwehavepreviouslylocatedinthe
bottomthirdoftheBehaviorWindow),adifferentsetofskillsmustbeused.Theseareskillsthatwill
beeffectiveinbringingaboutsomechangeintheunacceptablebehaviorofthechild.Whenachildis
interferingwithaparent'srightsorisdoingsomethingthatpreventstheparentfrommeetingher
needs,theparentownstheproblemandhencewillwanttouseskillsthatwillbehelpfultoself.In
P.E.T.wecallthese"ConfrontationSkills."
Whentheparentownstheproblem,thiscallsforaposturethatwillcommunicatetothechild,"Hey,
I'vegotaproblemandIneedyourhelp"quiteadifferentposturethanwhenthechildownsaproblem
andtheparentwantstocommunicate,"Itseemslikeyouhaveaproblemdoyouneedmyhelp?"
WecangraphicallyshowwhatParentEffectivenessTrainingisallabout:
1.Itteachesparentsskillsthatwillbeeffectiveinreducingthenumberofproblemsownedbythe
child(makingtheareainthetopthirdoftherectanglesmaller).
2.Itteachesparentsquitedifferentskillsthatwillbeeffectiveinreducingthenumberofproblems
theirkidscausethem(makingtheareainthebottomthirdoftherectanglesmaller).
Itisessentialthatparentsalwaysclassifyeachsituationthatoccursintherelationshipsotheywill
knowwhethertoactivelistenorconfront.Isuggestthatparentsgetintothehabitofasking
themselvesthequestion:"Whoownsthisproblem?"
ThesuccessfulapplicationofthesetwosetsofskillsActiveListeningandconfrontationenlargesthe
NoProblemArea,makingmuchmoretimeavailableintheparentchildrelationshipwhenneitherhas
aproblemandbothcangettheirneedssatisfiedandenjoytheirlivestogether.
Inthenextthreechapters,Iwillfocusexclusivelyonthelisteningskillstheskillsparentsneedtouse
whenthechildownsaproblem.ThenIwillfocusontheconfrontationskillsparentscanusewhenthe
parentownstheproblem.
Chapter3ActiveListening:TheLanguageof
Acceptance.HowtoListen,andTalk,Sothat
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KidsWillTalktoYou.
Version2014.02.04
Afifteenyearoldgirl,attheconclusionofoneofherweeklycounselingsessionswithme,gotup
fromherchair,pausedbeforeheadingforthedoor,andsaid:
"ItfeelsgoodtobeabletotalktosomeoneabouthowIreallyfeel.Ihavenevertalkedaboutthese
thingswithanyoneelsebefore.Icouldnevertalkwithmyparentslikethis."
Amotherandfatherofasixteenyearoldboy,whowasfailinginschool,askedme:
"HowcanwegetJustintoconfideinus?Weneverknowwhathe'sthinking.Weknowhe'sunhappy,
butwehavenoideawhat'sgoingoninsidethatkid."
Abright,thirteenyearoldgirl,whowasbroughttomejustaftersheranawayfromhomewithtwoof
hergirlfriends,madethistellingcommentaboutherrelationshipwithhermother:
"Itgottothepointwherewejustcouldn'ttalkatallabouteventhelittlestthings...likeschoolwork.I'd
beafraidIflunkedatest,andI'dtellherIdidn'tdowell.Andshe'dsay,'Well,whynot?'andthenget
madatme.SoIjuststartedlying.IdidnotliketoliebutIdidit,anditgotsoitdidnotreallybother
me...Finallyitwasjustliketwodifferentpeopletalkingtoeachother.Neitherofuswouldshowour
realfeelings...whatwereallythought."
Thesearenotunusualexamplesofhowchildrenpulldowntheshadesontheirparents,refusingto
sharewiththemwhatreallygoesoninside.Kidslearnthattalkingtotheirparentsisnothelpful,and
oftennotsafe.Consequently,manyparentsmissthousandsofchancestohelptheirchildrenwiththe
problemstheyencounterinlife.
Whydosomanyparentsget"writtenoff"asasourceofhelp,bytheirchildren?Whydochildrenstop
talkingtotheirparentsaboutthethingsthatreallybotherthem?Whyaresofewparentssuccessfulin
maintainingahelpingrelationshipwiththeirchildren?
Andwhydochildrenfinditsomucheasiertotalktocompetentprofessionalcounselors,ratherthan
talkingtotheirparents?Whatdotheprofessionalcounselorsdodifferentlythatenablesthemtofoster
ahelpingrelationshipwiththechildren?
Inrecentyears,psychologistshavebeenfindingsomeanswerstothesequestions.Throughresearch
andclinicalexperience,wearebeginningtounderstandthenecessaryingredientsforaneffective
helpingrelationship.Perhapsthemostessentialoftheseisthe"languageofacceptance."
THEPOWEROFTHELANGUAGEOFACCEPTANCE.
Thisisoneofthosesimplebutbeautifulparadoxesoflife:Whenyoufeelthatanotherpersontruly
acceptsyouasyouare,thenyouarefreetomoveonfromthere.Youcanthenbegintothinkabout
howyouwanttobedifferent,tochange,andtogrow.Youcanconsiderhowyoumightbecomemore
ofwhatyouarecapableofbeing.
Whenyouareabletofeelandcommunicategenuineacceptanceofanotherperson,youpossessa
capacityforbeingapowerfulhelpingagentforothers.Youracceptanceofothers,astheyare,isan
importantfactorinfosteringarelationshipinwhichtheycangrow,develop,makeconstructive
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changes,learntosolveproblems,moveinthedirectionofpsychologicalhealth,becomemore
productiveandcreative,andactualizetheirfullestpotential.
Youracceptanceofanotherislikefertilesoil,thatpermitsatinyseedtodevelop,intothelovely
floweritiscapableofbecoming.Thesoilallowstheseedtogrowandtobecometheflower,butthe
capacityisentirelywithintheseed.Aswiththeseed,achildcontains,entirelywithinthemself,the
capacitytodevelop.Youracceptanceofthechildislikethesoilinthatitenablesthechildtogrowto
theirfullestpotential.
Parentalacceptanceisasignificantpositiveinfluenceonchildren,althoughthatideaisnotgenerally
understoodbyparents.Mostpeoplehavebeenbroughtuptobelievethatifyouacceptchildrenas
theyare,theywillremainjustthewaytheyare.Unfortunately,mostparentswereraisedtobelieve
thatthebestwaytohelpchildrenbecomesomethingbetterinthefuture,istotellthemwhatitisthat
youpresentlydonotacceptaboutthem.
Therefore,mostparentsrelyheavilyonthelanguageofnonacceptanceinrearingchildren,believing
itisthebestwaytohelpthem.Thesoilthatmostparentsprovidefortheirchildren'sgrowthisheavy
withevaluation,judgment,criticism,preaching,moralizing,admonishing,andcommanding.Those
messagesconveynonacceptanceofthechildrenastheypresentlyare.
Irecallthewordsofathirteenyearoldgirlwhowasjuststartingtorebelagainstherparents'values
andstandards.
Shesaid,"TheytellmesooftenhowbadIam,andhowstupidmyideasare,andhowIcannot
betrusted,thatIjustdomorethingstheydon'tlike.IftheyalreadythinkIambadandstupid,I
mightaswellgoaheadanddoallofthosethingsanyway."
Thatbrightgirlwaswiseenoughtounderstandtheoldadage,"Tellachildoftenenoughhowbadhe
orsheis,andtheywillmostcertainlybecomebad."
Childrenoftenbecomewhattheirparentstellthemtheyare,andapartfromthateffect,thelanguage
ofnonacceptanceturnskidsoff.Childrensimplystoptalkingtotheirparents.Kidslearnthatitisfar
morecomfortabletokeeptheirfeelingsandproblemstothemselves.
Thelanguageofacceptanceopenskidsup.Itfreesthemtosharetheirfeelingsandproblems.
Professionaltherapistsandcounselorshaveshownjusthowpowerfulsuchacceptancecanbe.Those
professionalswhoaremosteffective,aretheoneswhocanconveytothepeoplewhocometothem
forhelp,thattheyaretrulyacceptedastheyare.
ThisiswhyIoftenhearpeoplesay,thatincounselingortherapy,theyfelttotallyfreeofthe
counselor'sjudgment.Thosepeoplereportthattheyexperiencedthefreedomtotellthetherapistthe
worstaboutthemselves.Theyfelttheircounselorwouldacceptthemnomatterwhattheysaidorfelt.
Acceptanceisoneofthemostimportantelementscontributingtothegrowth,andchange,thattakes
placeinpeoplethroughcounselingandtherapy.
Conversely,wehavelearnedfromprofessionaltherapiststhatnonacceptanceclosespeopleup,
makesthemfeeldefensive,producesdiscomfort,andmakesthemafraidtotalk,ortotakealookat
themselves.
Thus,partofaprofessional'ssecretofsuccess,infosteringchangeandgrowthintroubledpeople,is
inthetherapist'sabsenceofnonacceptanceintherelationshipwiththem,andinthatcounselor's
abilitytotalkthelanguageofacceptance,sothatitisgenuinelyfeltbytheotherperson.
InworkingwithparentsinourParentEffectivenessTrainingcourse,wehavedemonstratedthat
parentscanbetaughtthesameskillsusedbyprofessionalcounselors.Mostoftheseparentslearnto
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drasticallyreducethefrequencyofmessagesthatconveynonacceptance,andtheyacquirea
surprisinglyhighlevelofskill,inemployingthelanguageofacceptance.
Whenparentslearnhowtodemonstrate,withtheirwords,aninnerfeelingofacceptancetowarda
child,theparentsaretheninpossessionofaskillthatcanproducesomestartlingeffects.
Aparentcanthenbeinfluentialinthechildren'slearningtoacceptandlikethemselves,andintheir
acquiringasenseoftheirownworth.Aparentcangreatlyfacilitatethechildren'sdevelopment,and
canhelpchildrenrealizethefullpotentialwithwhichtheyweregeneticallyendowed.Aparentcan
acceleratethechildren'smovementawayfromdependencetowardselfdirectedindependence.A
parentcanhelpchildrenlearntosolveforthemselvestheproblemsthatlifeinevitablybrings.A
parentcangivethemthestrength,todealconstructively,withtheusualdisappointmentsandpain,of
childhoodandadolescence.
Ofalltheeffectsofacceptance,noneisasimportantastheinnerfeelingofthechildthatheorsheis
loved.Acceptingothers,astheyare,istrulyanactoflove,becausefeelingacceptedistofeelloved.
Inpsychology,wehaveonlyjustbeguntorealizethetremendouspoweroffeelingloved.Itcan
promotethegrowthofmindandbody,andisprobablythemosteffectivetherapeuticforceweknow,
forrepairingbothpsychologicalandphysicaldamage.
AcceptanceMustBeDemonstrated.
Itisonethingforaparenttofeelacceptancetowardachilditisanotherthingtomakethat
acceptancefelt.Unlessaparent'sacceptancecomesthroughtothechild,itcanhavenoinfluenceon
thechild.Youmustlearnhowtodemonstrateacceptancesothatyourchildfeelsit.
Specificskillsarerequiredtobeabletodothis.Mostparents,however,tendtothinkofacceptanceas
apassivething,asastateofmind,anattitude,orafeeling.True,acceptancedoesoriginatefrom
withinyou,buttobeaneffectiveforceininfluencinganotherperson,acceptancemustbeactively
communicatedordemonstrated.IcanneverbecertainthatIamacceptedbysomeone,untilheorshe
demonstratesitinsomeactiveway.
Aprofessionalcounselors'effectivenessasahelpingagentisgreatlydependentontheirabilityto
demonstrateacceptanceoftheclient.Therapistsspendsyearslearningwaystoimplementthisattitude
throughtheirhabitsofcommunication.Withformaltrainingandlongexperience,professional
counselorsacquirespecificskillsincommunicatingacceptance.Theylearnthatwhattheysaymakes
thedifferencebetweentheirbeinghelpful,ornotbeinghelpful.
Talkcancure,andtalkcanfosterconstructivechange.Butitmustbetherightkindoftalk.
Thesameistrueforparents.Howtheytalktotheirchildrenwilldeterminewhethertheywillbe
helpfulordestructive.Theeffectiveparent,liketheeffectivecounselor,mustlearnhowto
communicatehisacceptance,andmustacquirethesamecommunicationskills.
Parentsinourclassesskepticallyask,"Isitpossibleforanonprofessionallikemyselftolearnthe
skillsofaprofessionalcounselor?"Thirtyyearsagomostprofessionalswouldhavesaid,"No."
However,inourclasses,wehavedemonstratedthatitispossibleformostparentstolearnhowto
becomeeffectivehelpingagentsfortheirchildren.Wenowknowthatitisnotaknowledgeof
psychology,noranintellectualunderstandingaboutpeoplethatmakesagoodcounselor.Itis
primarilyamatteroflearninghowtotalktopeopleina"constructive"way.
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Psychologistscallthis"therapeuticcommunication,"meaningthatcertainkindsofmessageshavea
"therapeutic"orhealthyeffectonpeople.Theymakethemfeelbetter,encouragethemtotalk,help
themexpresstheirfeelings,fosterafeelingofworthorselfesteem,reducethreatorfear,and
facilitategrowthandconstructivechange.
"Nontherapeutic"kindsoftalkaredestructive.Thosemessagestendtomakepeoplefeeljudgedor
guilty.Theycurtailtheexpressionofhonestfeelings,andthreatentheotherperson.Theyfoster
feelingsofunworthinessorlowselfesteem.Theyblockgrowthandconstructivechangebymaking
theotherpersondefendmorestronglythewayhe,orshe,is.
Averysmallnumberofparentsnaturallypossessthistherapeuticskillintuitively.
Mostparents,however,havetogothroughaprocessoffirstunlearningtheirdestructivewaysof
communicating,andthenlearningmoreconstructiveways.Thatmeansthatparentsfirsthavetobe
exposedtotheirtypicalhabitsofcommunication,sothattheycanseeforthemselves,howtheirtalkis
destructiveandnontherapeutic.Thentheyneedtobetaughtsomenewwaysofrespondingto
children.
COMMUNICATINGACCEPTANCENONVERBALLY.
Wesendverbalmessagesthroughspokenwordswithwhatwesay.Butwealsosendmessagesusing,
whatsocialscientistscall,nonverbalmessages,eventhoughwemightnotsayanything.Nonverbal
messagesarecommunicatedviagestures,postures,facialexpressions,orotherbehaviors.
Waveyourhandawayfromyou,withyourpalmtowardachild,anditishighlyprobablethatthe
childwillinterpretthisgestureas"Goaway,"or"Getawayfromme,"or"Idon'twanttobebothered
rightnow."Turnyourpalmtowardyou,andwaveyourhandtowardyourself,andthechildwill
probablyperceivethisgestureasamessageto"Comeonover,""Comecloser,"or"Iwouldlikeyou
herewithme."Thefirstgesturewouldcommunicatenonacceptance,andthesecondgesturewould
communicateacceptance.
NoninterventiontoShowAcceptance.
Parentscanshowacceptanceofachildbynotinterveninginhisorheractivities.Forexample,
considerifyourchildwasattemptingtobuildsandcastlesatthebeach.Ifyoudonotinterferewith
thechild,andoccupyyourselfwithanactivityofyourown,youarepermittingthechildtomake
mistakes,orcreatetheirownuniquedesignforacastle.Yourchild'screationwillprobablynotbelike
youwoulddesignit,andforthatmatter,itmightnotevenlooklikeacastle.Butyouwillbesendinga
nonverbalmessageofacceptance.
Thechildwillfeel,"WhatIamdoingisokay,""Mycastlebuildingbehaviorisacceptable,""My
mother,orfather,acceptsmydoingwhatIamdoingrightnow."
Keepinghandsoff,whenachildisengagedinsomeactivity,isastrongnonverbalwayof
communicatingacceptance.Manyparentsfailtorealize,howfrequentlytheycommunicate
nonacceptancetoachild,bysimplyinterfering,intruding,movingin,checkingup,orjoiningin.Too
oftenadultsjustdonotletachildbe.Parentsinvadetheprivacyofthechild'srooms,ortrytomove
intothechild'spersonalandprivatethoughts,refusingtopermitthechildaseparateness.Thisisoften
theresultofparentalfearsandanxietiesbasedwithintheparents'ownfeelingsofinsecurity.
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Parentswanttheirchildtolearn,andsotheywillsay,"Here'swhatacastleshouldreallylooklike".
Theyareuncomfortablewhentheirchildmakesamistake,sotheysay,"Buildthecastlefartherfrom
thewater,soawavewillnottopplethecastlewall".Parentswanttobeproudoftheirchild's
accomplishments,andbeabletosay,"Lookattheperfectcastlemychildmade".Or,theywilloften
trytoimposerigidadultconceptsofrightandwrongonthechild,saying,"Shouldn'tyourcastlehave
amoat?".Parentscanalsohavesecretambitionsfortheirchildren,andsotheymightsay,"Youare
nevergoingtolearnanything,buildingthatthingallafternoon".And,oftenparentsareoverly
concernedaboutwhatothersthinkoftheirchild,andsaythingslike,"Thatisnotasgoodacastleas
youarecapableofmaking".Or,asafinalexample,theywanttofeelthattheirchildneedsthem,so
theyvolunteerbysaying,"Letmehelpyoubuildit,"andsoon.
Thus,byyourdoingnothing,inasituationwhenthechildisengagedinanactivity,canclearly
communicatethatyouareacceptingofthechild,andwhatthechildisdoing.Itismyexperience,
however,thatquiteoften,parentsdonotpermitthiskindofseparatenessfrequentlyenough,andfor
them,understandably,a"handsoff"attitudecomeshard.
Atthefirstpartythatoneofourdaughtersgaveduringherfirstyearinhighschool,Iremember
feelingveryrejected,afterbeingtoldbyher,thatmyhighlyimaginative,andconstructivesuggestions
fortheentertainmentofherguests,werequiteunwelcomed.
Onlyafterrecoveringfrommymilddepressionfrombeingaskedtostayout,couldIcomprehendhow
Iwascommunicatingmessagesofnonacceptance.Ihadbeenimplyingmessageslike,"Youcannot
giveagoodpartybyyourself,""Youneedmyhelp,""Idonottrustyourjudgment,""Youarenot
beingaperfecthostess,""Youmightmakeamistake,"or,"Idonotwantthispartytobeafailure,"
andsoon.
PassiveListeningtoShowAcceptance.
Sayingnothingcanalsoclearlycommunicateacceptance.Silence,alsoknownas"passivelistening",
isapotentnonverbalmessagethatcanbeusedeffectivelytomakeapersonfeelgenuinelyaccepted.
Professionalcounselorsknowthisverywell,andtheymakeextensiveuseofsilenceintheir
interviews.Apersonwhodescribestheirfirstinterviewwithapsychologist,orapsychiatrist,
frequentlyreports,"Hedidn'tsayanythingIdidallthetalking."Or,"Itoldherallthehorriblethings
aboutme,butshedidnotevencriticize."Or,"IdidnotthinkIcouldtellthatcounseloranything,butI
talkedthewholehour."
Whatthesepeoplearedescribingistheirexperience,morethanlikelytheirfirstexperience,oftalking
withsomeonewhosimplylistenedtothem.Itcanbeawonderfulexperiencewhenaperson'ssilence
makesyoufeelaccepted.Actually,then,notcommunicatingdoescommunicatesomething,asinthis
encounterbetweenaparentandherdaughterjusthomefromjuniorhighschool:
CHILD:Igotsentdowntotheviceprincipal'sofficetoday.
PARENT:Oh?
CHILD:Yeah.Mr.FrankssaidIwastalkingtoomuchinclass.
PARENT:Isee.
CHILD:Icannotstandthatoldguy.Hesitsupthere,andtalksabouthistroubles,orhis
grandchildren,andexpectsustobeinterested.Itissoboringyouwouldneverbelieveit.
PARENT:Mmhmm.
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CHILD:Youjustcannotsitinthatclassdoingnothing!Youwouldgocrazy.JeannieandIsitthere,
andmakejokeswhenheistalking.Oh,heisjusttheworstteacheryoucanimagine.Itmakesmemad
whenIgetalousyteacher.
PARENT:(Silence).
CHILD:Idogoodwithagoodteacher,butifIgetsomeonelikeMr.Franks,Ijustdonotfeellike
learninganything.Whydotheyletaguylikethatteach?
PARENT:(Shrugs).
CHILD:IsupposeIhadbettergetusedtoit,becauseIamnotalwaysgoingtogetgoodteachers.
Therearemorelousyonesthangoodones,andifIletthelousyonesgetmedown,Iamnotgoingto
getthegradesIneedtogetintoagoodcollege.Iamreallyhurtingmyself,Iguess.
Inthisbriefepisode,thevalueofsilenceisclearlydemonstrated.Theparent'spassivelistening
enabledthechildtomovebeyondherinitialfactualreportofbeingsenttotheviceprincipal.It
allowedhertoadmitwhyshewaspunished.Itpermittedhertoreleaseherangryandhatefulfeelings
towardherteacher,andlethercontemplatetheconsequencesofhercontinuingtoreact,asshehad,
towardbadteachers.Andfinally,passivelisteningbytheparentallowedthegirltocometoherown
independentconclusionthatshewasactuallyhurtingherselfbythiskindofbehavior.
Duringtheshortperiodofthatconversation,whiletheparentwasbeingacceptingofherdaughter,the
girlexperiencedselfdirectedgrowth.Shewasallowedtoexpressherfeelings.Shewashelpedto
movealong,onherown,intoakindofselfinitiatedproblemsolving.Fromthisemergedherown
constructivesolution,tentativethoughitmayhavebeen.
Theparent'ssilencefacilitatedthis"momentofdevelopment"thissmall"incrementofgrowth"this
instanceofachildintheprocessofselfdirectedchange.Whatatragedyitwouldhavebeenforthe
parenttohavemissedthisopportunity,tocontributetothegrowthofthatchild,whichiswhatwould
undoubtedlyhavehappened,iftheparenthadinterferedwiththechild'scommunication,by
interjectingsuchtypicalnonacceptingresponsesas:
"Youwhat?Youweresenttotheviceprincipal!Ohgreat!"
"Well,thatshouldteachyoualesson!"
"Now,Mr.Franksisnotthatbad,ishe?"
"Sweetheart,youjusthavetolearnsomeselfcontrol."
Or,
"Youhadbetterlearntoadjusttoallkindsofteachers."
Allthosemessages,andthemanymorethatparentstypicallysendinsituationslikethat,notonly
wouldhavecommunicatednonacceptanceofthechild,theywouldhavestoppedfurther
communication,andwouldhavepreventedanyproblemsolvingonthegirl'spart.
So,sayingnothing,aswellasdoingnothing,cancommunicateacceptance.Andacceptancefosters
constructivechange,andpersonalgrowth.
COMMUNICATINGACCEPTANCEVERBALLY.
Mostparentsrealizethattheycannotremainsilentverylonginahumaninteraction.Peoplewant
somekindofverbalinteraction.Obviouslythen,parentsmusttalktotheirchildren.Theirchildren
needthemtotalktothem,iftheyaretohaveanintimate,vitalrelationship.
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Talkisessential,buthowparentstalktochildreniscrucial.Icantellagreatdealaboutaparentchild
relationship,simplybyobservingthekindofverbalcommunicationthatoccursbetweenthatparent
andchild,particularlythewaytheparentrespondstothechild'scommunications.
Parentsneedtoexaminehowtheyrespondverballytochildren,becausethekeytoaparent's
effectivenessisfoundthere.
InourP.E.T.classes,weuseanexercisetohelpparentsrecognizewhatkindsofverbalresponsesthey
use,whentheirkidscometothemwithfeelings,orproblems.Ifyouwouldliketotrythisexercise
now,allyouneedisasheetofblankpaper,andapencilorpen.
Supposeyourfifteenyearoldannouncesonenightatthedinnertable:
"Schoolsucks.Allyoulearnisalotofunimportantfactsthatdonotdoyouanygood.Ihave
decidednottogotocollegeatall.Youdonotneedacollegeeducationtobesomeone
important.Therearealotofotherwaystogetaheadintheworld."
Now,writedownonthepapertheexactwordsyouwouldusetorespondverballytothatmessage
fromyourchild.
Now,whenyouhavedonethat,tryanothersituation.Yourtenyearolddaughtersaystoyou:
"Idonotknowwhatiswrongwithme.Ginnyusedtolikeme,butnowshedoesnot.Shenever
comesdownheretoplayanymore.And,ifIgoupthere,sheisalwaysplayingwithAshley,and
thetwoofthemplaytogetherandhavefunwhileIjuststandthereallbymyself.Ihatethem
both."
Again,writedownexactlywhatyouwouldsaytoyourdaughterinresponsetothatmessage.
Now,anothersituation,inwhichyourelevenyearoldsaystoyou:
"HowcomeIhavetotakecareoftheyard,andtakethegarbageout?Ray'smotherdoesnot
makehimdoallthatstuff!Youarenotfair!Kidsshouldnothavetodothatmuchwork.
NobodyelsehastodoallthestupidthingsIhavetodo."
Writedownyourresponse.
Onelastsituation.Yourfiveyearoldboybecomesmoreandmorefrustratedwhenhecan'tgetthe
attentionofhismotherandfatherandyourtwoguestsafterdinner.Thefourofyouaretalking
intently,renewingyourfriendshipafteralongseparation.Suddenlyyouareshockedwhenyourlittle
boyloudlyshouts:
"Youguysaredumb,andstupid.Ihateyou."
Again,writedownexactlywhatyouwouldsayinresponsetothisvibrantmessage.
Thevariouswaysyouhaveprobablyjustrespondedtothesemessages,canbeclassifiedinto
categories.Thereareonlyaboutadozendifferentcategoriesintowhichparents'verbalresponsesfall,
andthesearelistedbelow.Taketheresponsesyouwrotedownonyoursheetofpaper,andtryto
classifyeachofthemintowhicheverofthefollowingtwelvecategoriesbestfitseachofyour
responses.
1.ORDERING,DIRECTING,COMMANDING.
Tellingthechildtodosomethingbygivinganorderoracommand.
"Idonotcarewhatotherparentsdo.Youhavetodotheyardwork!"
"Donottalktoyourmotherlikethat!"
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"Nowyougobackupthere,andplaywithGinnyandAshley!"
"Stopcomplaining!"
2.WARNING,ADMONISHING,THREATENING.
Tellingthechildwhatconsequenceswilloccuriftheydosomething.
"Ifyoudothat,youwillbesorry!"
"Onemoreremarklikethatandyouwillleavetheroom!"
"Youhadbetternotdothatifyouknowwhatisgoodforyou!"
3.EXHORTING,MORALIZING,PREACHING.
Tellingthechildwhattheyshoulddo,oroughttodo.
"Youshouldnotactlikethat."
"Yououghttodothis......
"Youmustalwaysrespectadults."
4.ADVISING,GIVINGSOLUTIONSORSUGGESTIONS.
Tellingthechildhowtosolveaproblembygivingadviceorsuggestionsprovidinganswersor
solutions.
"Whydon'tyouaskbothGinnyandAshleytoplaydownhere?"
"Justwaitacoupleofyearsbeforedecidingoncollege."
"Isuggestyoutalktoyourteachersaboutthat."
"Gomakefriendswithsomeothergirls."
5.LECTURING,TEACHING,GIVINGLOGICALARGUMENTS.
Tryingtoinfluencethechildwithfacts,counterarguments,logic,information,oryourown
opinions.
"Collegecanbethemostwonderfulexperienceyouwilleverhave."
"Childrenmustlearnhowtogetalongwitheachother."
"Letuslookatthefactsaboutcollegegraduates."
"Ifkidslearntotakeresponsibilityaroundthehouse,theywillgrowuptoberesponsible
adults."
"Lookatitthisway.Yourmotherneedshelparoundthehouse."
"WhenIwasyourage,Ihadtwiceasmuchtodoasyou."
6.JUDGING,CRITICIZING,DISAGREEING,BLAMING.
Makinganegativejudgmentorevaluationofthechild.
"Youarenotthinkingclearly."
"Thatisveryimmature."
"Youareverywrongaboutthat."
"Icouldnotdisagreewithyoumore."
7.PRAISING,AGREEING.
Offeringapositiveevaluationorjudgment,orjustagreeing.
"Well,Ithinkyouarepretty."
"Youhavetheabilitytodowell."
"Ithinkyouareright."
"Iagreewithyou."
8.NAMECALLING,RIDICULING,SHAMING.
Makingthechildfeelfoolishbyputtingthemintoanegativecategory,orshamingthem.
"Youareaspoiledbrat."
"Lookhere,Mr.KnowItAll."
"Youareactinglikeawildanimal."
"Okay,littlebaby."
9.INTERPRETING,ANALYZING,DIAGNOSING.
Tellingthechildwhattheirmotivesare,oranalyzingwhytheyaredoingorsayingsomething
communicatingthatyouhavethemfiguredout,ordiagnosed.
"YouarejustjealousofGinny."
"Youaresayingthattobugme."
"Youreallydonotbelievethatatall."
"Youfeelthatwaybecauseyouarenotdoingwellinschool."
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10.REASSURING,SYMPATHIZING,CONSOLING,SUPPORTING.
Tryingtomakethechildfeelbetterbytryingtotalkthemoutoftheirbadfeelingstryingto
maketheirfeelingsgoawaydenyingthestrengthoftheirfeelings.
"Youwillfeeldifferenttomorrow."
"Allkidsgothroughthissometime."
"Donotworry.Thingswillworkout."
"Youcouldbeanexcellentstudent,withyourpotential."
"Iusedtothinkthattoo."
"Iknow,schoolcanbeprettyboringsometimes."
"Youusuallygetalongwithotherkidsverywell."
11.PROBING,QUESTIONING,INTERROGATING.
Tryingtofindreasons,motives,causesquestioningthemformoreinformationtohelpyou
solvetheirproblem.
"Whendidyoustartfeelingthisway?"
"Whydoyousupposeyouhateschool?"
"Dothekidsevertellyouwhytheydonotwanttoplaywithyou?"
"Howmanyotherkidshaveyoutalkedtoabouttheworktheyhavetodo?"
"Whoputthatideaintoyourhead?"
"Whatwillyoudoifyoudonotgotocollege?"
12.WITHDRAWING,DISTRACTING,HUMORING,DIVERTING.
Tryingtogetthechildawayfromtheproblemwithdrawingfromtheproblemyourself
distractingthechild,kiddingthemoutofitpushingtheproblemaside.
"Justforgetaboutit."
"Letusnottalkaboutitatthetable."
"Comeon.Letustalkaboutsomethingmorepleasant."
"Howisitgoingwithyoursoccer?"
"IwillbetthePresidentdoesnothaveproblemsascomplicatedasyours."
"Wehavebeenthroughallthisbefore."
Ifyouwereabletofiteachofyourresponsesintooneofthosecategories,youareafairlytypical
parent.
Ifanyofyourresponsesdidnotfitintoanyofthosetwelvecategories,holdontoituntillater,whenI
willintroduceanothertypeofresponsetochildren'smessages.Perhapsyourresponsewillfitintoone
ofthosecategorieslater.
Whenparentsdothisexerciseinourclasses,over90percentoftheparents'responsesfallintothose
twelvecategoriesabove.Mostofthesemothersandfathersaresurprisedatthesimilaritybetween
theirresponses,andtheresponsesoftheotherparents.Also,mostofthemhaveneverhadanyone
pointoutjusthowtheytalktotheirchildren,norwhatmodesofcommunicationtheyusewhen
respondingtotheirchildren'sfeelingsandproblems.
Invariably,oneoftheparentsasks,"Well,nowthatweknowhowwetalk,whataboutit?Whatarewe
supposedtolearnfromfindingoutthatweallcommunicatethisway?"
WhatAboutthose12CommunicationRoadblocks?
Tounderstandwhateffectsthosetwelveroadblockstocommunicationhaveonachild,andwhatthey
dototheparentchildrelationship,parentsmustfirstbeshownthattheirverbalresponsesusually
carrymorethanonemeaning,ormorethanonemessage.
Forexample,toachildwhocomplainsthattheirfriendwillnotplaywiththemanymore,youmight
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say,"Iwouldsuggestyoutrytotreatyourfriendbetter,andthenmaybetheywillwanttoplaywith
you".Thatresponseconveysmuchmoretoachildthansimplythecontentofyoursuggestion.The
childmayinterpretyourreplyaccordingtoany,orall,ofthefollowinghiddenmessages:
"YoudonotacceptmyfeelingthewayIdo,soyouwantmetochange."
"Youdonottrustmetoworkoutthisproblemmyself."
"Youthinkitismyfault,then."
"YouthinkIamnotassmartasyou."
"YouthinkIamdoingsomethingbadorwrong."
Or,whenachildsays,"Ijustcannotstandschooloranythingaboutschool,"andyourespondby
saying,"Oh,weallfeltthatwayaboutschoolatsometimeoranother.Youwillgetoverit,"thechild
maypickuptheseadditionalmessages:
"Youdonotthinkmyfeelingsareveryimportant,then."
"YoucannotacceptmefeelingasIdo."
"Youfeelitisnottheschool.Itisme."
"Youdonottakemeveryseriously,then."
"Youdonotfeelmyjudgmentofschoolislegitimate."
"YoudonotseemtocarehowIamfeeling."
Whenparentssaysomethingtoachild,theyareusuallyalsosayingsomethingaboutthechild.Thatis
whyyourcommunicationstochildrenhavesuchanimpactonthemaspersons,andultimatelyupon
therelationshipbetweenyouandthem.Everytimeyoutalktoachild,youareaddinganotherbrickto
definetherelationshipthatisbeingbuiltbetweenthetwoofyou.Eachofyourmessagessays
somethingtothechildaboutwhatyouthinkofhimorher.Theygraduallybuildupapictureofhow
youareperceivingthemasaperson.Whatyousaycanbeconstructivetothechild,andtothe
relationship,orwhatyousaycanbedestructive.
Onewaywehelpparentsunderstandhowthe12CommunicationRoadblockscanbedestructive,isto
askthemtorecalltheirownreactionswhentheyhadsharedtheirownfeelingswithafriend.
Invariably,theparentsinourclassesreportthatanytimetheirfriendusedthoseroadblocks,ithada
destructiveeffectonthem,orontheirrelationshipwiththepersontheyweretellingtheirtroublesto.
Herearesomeoftheeffectsourparentsreport:
Theymakemestoptalking,andshutmeoff.
Theymakemedefensiveandresistive.
Theymakemeargue,andcounterattack.
Theymakemefeelinadequate,andinferior.
Theymakemefeelresentfulorangry.
Theymakemefeelguiltyorbad.
TheymakemefeelIambeingpressuredtochange,andthatIamnotacceptedasIam.
Theymakemefeeltheotherpersondoesnottrustmetosolvemyownproblem.
TheymakemefeelIambeingtreatedpaternalistically,asifIwereachild.
TheymakemefeelIamnotbeingunderstood.
Theymakemefeelthatmyfeelingsarenotjustified.
TheymakemefeelIhavebeeninterrupted.
Theymakemefeelfrustrated.
TheymakemefeelIamonthewitnessstandbeingcrossexamined.
Theymakemefeelthelistenerisjustnotinterested.
Theparentsinourclassesimmediatelyrecognize,thatifthe12CommunicationRoadblockshadthose
effectsuponthemintheirrelationshipswithothers,thentheroadblockswouldprobablyhavethe
sameeffectsontheirchildren.
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Andtheyareright.Thosetwelvekindsofverbalresponsesaretheveryonesprofessionaltherapists
andcounselorshavelearnedtoavoidwhentheyworkwithchildren.Thosewaysofrespondingare
potentially"nontherapeutic,"or"destructive."Professionalslearntorelyonotherwaysofresponding
tochildren'smessages,waysthatseemtocarryfarlessriskofcausingthechildrentostoptalking,or
makingthemfeelguiltyandinadequate,orreducingtheirselfesteem,orproducingdefensiveness,or
triggeringresentment,ormakingthemfeelunaccepted,andsoon.
IntheAppendixofthisbookwehavecataloguedthese12CommunicationRoadblocksgoinginto
moredetailaboutthedestructiveeffectsthateachmayhave.
Whenparentsrealizehowmuchtheyhavebeenrelyingontheseroadblockstocommunication,they
invariablyaskwithsomeimpatience:
"Howelsecanwerespond?Whatwaysareleft?"
"IfIdonotaskquestions,howelsecanIfindoutwhatisgoingon?"
Letusexploresomealternatives.
SIMPLEDOOROPENERS.
Oneofthemosteffectiveandconstructivewaysofrespondingtochildren'sfeelingmessages,or
problemmessages,isthe"dooropener,"orthe"invitationtosaymore."Theseareresponsesthatdo
notcommunicateanyofyourownideasorjudgmentsorfeelings,yettheyinvitethechildrentoshare
theirideas,judgments,andfeelings.Theseresponsesopenthedoorforthem,andinvitethemtotalk.
Thesimplestofthesearesuchnoncommittalresponsesas:
"Isee."
"Really."
"Oh."
"Youdon'tsay."
"Mmhmmm."
"Nokidding."
"Howaboutthat."
"Youdid,huh."
"Interesting."
"Isthatso!"
Otherparentsaresomewhatmoreexplicitinconveyinganinvitationtotalk,ortosaymore,bysaying
thingssuchas:
"Tellmeaboutit."
"Iwouldliketohearaboutit."
"Tellmemore."
"Iwouldbeinterestedinyourpointofview."
"Wouldyouliketotalkaboutit?"
"Letusdiscussit."
"Letushearwhatyouhavetosay."
"Tellmethewholestory."
"Goahead,Iamlistening."
"Soundslikeyouhavegotsomethingtosayaboutthis."
"Thisseemslikesomethingimportanttoyou."
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Thesedooropeners,orinvitationstotalk,canbepotentfacilitatorsofotherpeople'scommunication.
Theyencourageotherstostarttalking,ortocontinuetalking.Theyalsoputtheballintheother
person'scourt.Theydonothavetheeffectofyourgrabbingtheballawayfromthem,asdomessages
ofyourown,suchasyouraskingquestions,givingadvice,reassuring,moralizing,andsoon.These
dooropenerskeepyourownfeelingsandthoughtsoutofthecommunicationprocess.
Theresponsesofchildren,andadolescents,tothesesimpledooropeners,willsurpriseparents.The
youngstersfeelencouragedtomoveinclosertotheirparents,openup,andliterallypourouttheir
feelingsandideas.Likeadults,youngpeoplelovetotalk,andtheyusuallydowhenanyoneextends
aninvitation.
Dooropenersconveyacceptanceofthechild,andrespectforthemasaperson,becausedooropeners
communicatethingslike:
"Youhavearighttoexpresshowyoufeel."
"Irespectyouasapersonwithideasandfeelings."
"Imightlearnsomethingfromyou."
"Ireallywanttohearyourpointofview."
"Yourideasareworthyofbeinglistenedto."
"Iaminterestedinyou."
"Iwanttorelatetoyou,andgettoknowyoubetter."
Everyonereactsfavorablytosuchattitudes.Everyonefeelsgoodwhenheorsheismadetofeel
worthy,respected,significant,accepted,andinteresting.
Childrenarenodifferent.Ifyouofferthemaverbalinvitation,thenyoucanexpecttheir
expressiveness,andexpansiveness.Youalsomightlearnsomethingaboutthem,oraboutyourselfin
theprocess.
ACTIVELISTENING.
Itisimportantthatyoulearnhowtokeepthedooropentoyourchildren,butwhenkidshavea
problem,thereisanotherwayyoucanrespondtothem,thatisinfinitelymoreeffectivethansimple
dooropeninginvitationsforthemtotalk.
Itiscalled"Activelistening",andisfarmoreeffectivethanthesilenceofpassivelistening.Active
Listeningisaremarkablewaytoinvolveyouasasenderofmessages,withthechildasthereceiver.
Boththesenderandthereceiverareactivelyinvolved.
Foryoutolearnactivelistening,youmayneedtounderstandmoreaboutthecommunicationprocess
betweentwopersons.Afewdiagramsmayhelp.
Usually,wheneverchildrendecidetocommunicatewithaparent,theydosobecausetheyhavea
needbecausesomethingisgoingoninsidethem.Theymaywantsomething,orfeeldiscomfort,or
haveafeelingaboutsomething,orareupsetaboutsomething.
Inthosecases,wesaythatthechildownstheproblem,andisinsomekindofunequilibrium.The
childdecidestotalkinordertotrytobringthemselfbacktoastateofequilibrium.Say,forexample,
thatthechildfeelshunger.
Inanattempttogetridoftheirhunger,whichisthecauseoftheirunequilibrium,thechildbecomesa
"sender,"andcommunicatessomethingthatheorshethinksmightbringthemfood.Childrenwillnot
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alwaysdirectlycommunicatewhatisactuallygoingoninsidethem,since,forexample,hungerisa
complexphysiologicalprocessgoingoninsidethem.
Therefore,toconveytosomeoneelseabouttheirhunger,theymustselectsomecommunicationto
theirparentthattheythinkrepresents,"Iamhungry."Thechild'schoiceofwordsiscalled
"encoding",becausethechildispickingacodetheyhopewillcommunicatetheirproblem.
Letussaythatthisparticularchildselectsthecode,orcombinationofwords,"Whenisdinnerready,
Dad?"andspeaksthatcodeintotheair,wherethechildhopesthatthereceiver,thefather,willreceive
it.
WhenDadreceivesthecodedmessage,hemustthengothroughaprocessofdecodingit,sothathe
cantrytounderstanditsmeaning,intermsofwhatisgoingoninsidethechild.
IfDaddecodesaccurately,hewillunderstandthatthechildishungry.
ButifDadhappenstodecodethemessagetomean,thatthechildisanxioustoeat,sothatheorshe
cangooutandplaybeforebedtime,thefatherwouldbemisunderstanding,andthecommunication
processissaidtohavebrokendown.Theproblemisthatthechilddoesnotknowthis,andnordoes
Dad.Thechildcannotseethethoughtsinsideofthefather,anymorethanthefathercanseethe
thoughtsinsidethechild.
Thisiswhatsooftengoeswronginthecommunicationprocessbetweentwopeople.Thesender's
intendedmeaningismisunderstoodbythereceiver,andneitherpersonisawarethatthe
misunderstandingexists.
Suppose,however,thatDaddecidestocheckontheaccuracyofhisdecoding,justtomakesurehe
hasnotmisunderstood.Hecandothisbytellingthechildthethoughtsthatresultedfromhisdecoding
process,as,forexample,saying,"Youwantachancetoplayoutsidebeforebedtime."
Thechild,now,havingheardthefather's"feedback,"isabletotellthefatherthathedecoded
incorrectly,asinthisconversation:
CHILD:No,Ididnotmeanthat,Dad.ImeantIamreallyhungry,andwantdinnertobereadysoon.
DAD:Oh,Isee.Youareveryhungry.Howaboutsomecrackersandpeanutbuttertoholdyouover?
Wecannoteatuntilyourmothergetshome,aboutanhourfromnow.
CHILD:Thatisagoodidea.IthinkIwillhavesome.
Thefatherhadengagedinactivelistening,whenhefirst"fedback"hisunderstandingofthechild's
initialmessage.Inthiscase,thefatherhadfirstmisunderstoodthechild'smessage,butthefather's
feedbacktoldthechildjustthat.Andso,thechildsentanothercodethatfinallybroughtthefathera
realunderstandingofthechild'sintendedmessage.Ifthefatherhadaccuratelydecodedthefirsttime,
theprocessmightbediagrammedasfollows:
HerearefiveotherexamplesofActiveListening:
1.
CHILD:(crying):Dylantookmytruckawayfromme.
PARENT:Yousurefeelbadaboutthat.Youdonotlikeitwhenhedoesthat.
CHILD:Thatisright.
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2.
CHILD:IdonothaveanyonetoplaywithsinceTylerwentonvacation.Ijustdonotknow
whattodoaroundhereforfun.
PARENT:YoumisshavingTylertoplaywith,andyouarewonderingwhatyoumightdoto
havesomefun.
CHILD:Yeah.WishIcouldthinkofsomething.
3.
CHILD:Ihaveastupidteacherthisyear.Icannotstandher."
PARENT:Soundslikeyouarereallydisappointedwithyourteacher.
CHILD:Yeah.
4.
CHILD:Guesswhat,Dad?Imadethesoccerteam.
PARENT:Youarereallyfeelinggreataboutthat.
CHILD:AmI!
5.
CHILD:Daddy,whenyouwereaboywhatdidyoulikeinagirl?Whatmadeyoureallylikea
girl?
PARENT:Soundslikeyouarewonderingwhatyouneedtogetboystolikeyou,isthatright?
CHILD:Yeah.Forsomereasontheydonotseemtolikeme,andIdonotknowwhy.
Ineachofthoseillustrations,theparenthasaccuratelydecodedthechild'sfeelings,andwhatwas
goingoninsidethechild.Then,ineachcase,thechildverifiedtheaccuracyoftheparent'sdecoding,
withsomeexpressionindicating,"Youheardmecorrectly."
Withactivelistening,thereceivertriestounderstandwhatitisthatthesenderisfeeling,orwhatthe
sender'smessageis.Thenthereceiverencodestheirunderstandingbyputtingthesender'smessage
intotheirownwords,andfeedstheirinterpretationbacktothesenderforthesender'sverification.The
receiverdoesnotsendamessageoftheirown.Thereceiverdoesnotgiveanevaluation,noran
opinion,noradvice,norlogic,noranalysis,noraquestion.Thereceiverfeedsbackonlywhatthey
feelthesender'smessagemeantnothingmore,nothingless.
Hereisalongerexchangewheretheparentisconsistentlyusingactivelistening.Notehowthechild
verifiesthefeedbackoftheparenteachtime.Alsonoticehowtheparent'sactivelisteningmakesit
easierforthechildtosaymore,togodeeper,andtodeveloptheirthoughtsfurther.Youcanfeelthe
movementoftheconversation,andseethechildbegintoredefinetheirproblemontheirown.The
childthententativelydevelopssomeinsightsaboutthemself,andmakesagoodstarttowardsolving
theirownproblem.
MARIA:IwishIcouldgetacoldonceinawhilelikeTanya.Sheislucky.
FATHER:Youfeelyouaresortofgettingcheated.
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MARIA:Yes.Shegetstostayoutofschool,andIneverdo.
FATHER:Youreallywouldliketostayoutofschoolmore.
MARIA:Yes.Idonotliketogotoschooleverydaydayafterdayafterday.Igetsickofit.
FATHER:Youreallygettiredofschool.
MARIA:SometimesIjusthateit.
FATHER:Itismorethannotlikingit,sometimesyoureallyhateschool.
MARIA:Thatisright.Ihatethehomework,Ihatetheclasses,andIhatetheteachers.
FATHER:Youjusthateeverythingaboutschool.
MARIA:Idonotreallyhatealltheteachersjusttwoofthem.OneofthemIcan'tstand.She'sthe
worst.
FATHER:Youhateoneinparticular,huh?
MARIA:DoIever!ItisthatMrs.Barnes.Ihatethesightofher.Igotherforthewholeyear,too.
FATHER:Youarestuckwithherforalongtime.
MARIA:Yes.IdonotknowhowIwilleverstandit.Youknowwhatshedoes?Everydaywegeta
longlecture.Shestandsuptheresmilinglikethis,andtellsushowaresponsiblestudentissupposed
tobehave,andshereadsoffallthesethingsyouhavetodotogetanAinherclass.Itissickening.
FATHER:Yousurehatetohearallthatstuff.
MARIA:Yeah.ShemakesitseemimpossibletogetanAunlessyou'resomekindofgeniusora
teacher'spet.
FATHER:Youfeeldefeatedbeforeyouevenstart,becauseyoudon'tthinkyoucanpossiblygetanA.
MARIA:Yeah.Iamnotgoingtobeoneofthoseteacher'spets.Theotherkidshatethem.Iam
alreadynotverypopularwiththekids.Ijustdonotfeelthattoomanyofthegirlslikeme.
[Maria'seyesbegintoshowtears]
FATHER:Youdonotfeelpopularandthatupsetsyou.
MARIA:Yeah,itsuredoes.Thereisthisgroupofgirlsthatarethetoponesinschool.Theyarethe
mostpopulargirls.IwishIcouldgetintheirgroup.ButIdonotknowhow.
FATHER:Youreallywouldliketobelongtothisgroup,butyouarestumpedabouthowtodoit.
MARIA:Thatisright.Idonothonestlyknowhowgirlsgetintothisgroup.Theyarenottheprettiest,
notallofthem.Theyarenotalwaystheoneswiththebestgrades.Someinthegroupgethighgrades,
butmostofthemgetlowergradesthanIget.Ijustdonotknow.
FATHER:Youaresortofpuzzledaboutwhatittakestogetintothisgroup.
MARIA:Well,onethingisthattheyareallveryfriendly.Theytalkalotand,youknow,make
friends.Theysayhellotoyoufirst,andtalkrealeasy.Icannotdothat.Iamjustnotgoodatthat
stuff.
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FATHER:Youthinkmaybethatiswhattheyhavethatyoudonothave.
MARIA:IknowIamnotgoodattalking.Icantalkeasilywithonegirlbutnotwhenthereisawhole
bunchofgirls.Ijustkeepquiet.Itishardformetothinkofsomethingtosay.
FATHER:Youfeelokaywithonegirlbutwithalotofgirlsyoufeeldifferent.
MARIA:IamalwaysafraidIwillsaysomethingthatwillbestupidorwrongorsomething.SoIjust
standthereandfeelkindofleftout.Itistotallylame.
FATHER:Yousurehatethatfeeling.
MARIA:Ihatetobeontheoutside,butIamafraidtotrytogetintotheconversation.
InthisbriefencounterbetweenDadandMaria,Dadputasidehisownthoughtsandfeelings,inorder
tolisten,todecode,andtounderstandMaria'sthoughtsandfeelings.Notehowthefather'sfeedback
generallybeganwiththeword,"you."Note,also,thatMaria'sfatherrefrainedfromusinganyofthe
communicationroadblocks.Byconsistentlyrelyingonactivelistening,heshowedunderstandingand
empathyforMaria'sfeelings,butallowedhertoretaintheresponsibilityforherproblem.
WhyShouldParentsLearnActiveListening?
Someparentswhoareintroducedtotheskillofactivelistening,inourP.E.T.course,saythingslike:
"Itseemssounnaturaltome."
"Thatisnotthewaypeopletalk."
"WhatisthepurposeofActiveListening?"
"Iwouldfeellikeadorkrespondingtomykidthatway."
"MydaughterwouldthinkIflippedmylidifIstartedtouseactivelisteningwithher."
Theseareunderstandablereactionsbecauseparentsaresoaccustomedtotelling,preaching,
questioning,judging,threatening,admonishing,orreassuring.Itiscertainlynaturalforparentstoask
ifitwouldbeworththetroubletochange,andtolearnactivelistening.
OneofthemoreskepticalfathersinaP.E.T.classbecameconvinced,afteranexperiencewithhis
fifteenyearolddaughter.Hisexperiencehappenedduringtheweekafterourclasssession,inwhich
hewasintroducedtothisnewwayoflistening,andtalking.
Hesaid,"IwanttoreporttotheclassanamazingexperienceIhadthisweek.Mydaughter,Roxanne,
andIhavenotsaidacivilwordtoeachotherforabouttwoyears,exceptmaybe,'Passthebread,'or
'CanIhavethesaltandpepper?'
TheothernightwhenIcamehome,sheandherboyfriendweresittingatthetableinthekitchen.I
overheardmydaughtertellingherboyfriendhowmuchshehatedschool,andhowshewasdisgusted
withmostofhergirlfriends.Idecidedrightthenandthere,thatIwouldsitdown,anddonothingbut
activelylisten,evenifitkilledme.
"Now,IamnotgoingtosayIdidaperfectjob,butIsurprisedmyself.Iwasnottoobad.Well,will
youbelieveit,theybothstartedtalkingtome,andneverstoppedfortwohours.Ilearnedmoreabout
mydaughter,andwhatsheislike,inthosetwohours,thanIhadinthepastfiveyears.Ontopofthat,
therestoftheweekshewasdownrightfriendlytome.Whatachange!"
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Thisamazedfatherisnotunique.Manyparentshaveimmediatesuccesswhentheytryoutthis
listeningskill.Evenbeforetheyacquireareasonablelevelofcompetenceatactivelistening,they
oftenreportsomestartlingresults.
Manypeoplethinkthattheycangetridoftheirfeelingsbysuppressingthem,forgettingthem,or
thinkingaboutsomethingelse.Actually,peoplefreethemselvesoftroublesomefeelingswhenthey
areencouragedtoexpressthemopenly.ActiveListeningfostersthiskindofcatharsis.Ithelps
childrentofindoutexactlywhattheyarefeeling.Aftertheyexpresstheirfeelings,thefeelingsoften
seemtodisappearalmostlikemagic.
Activelisteninghelpschildrenbecomelessafraidoftheirnegativefeelings."Feelingsarefriendly,"is
anexpressionweuseinourclassestohelpparentscometorealizethatfeelingsarenot"bad."When
parentsshow,byactivelistening,thattheyacceptachild'sfeelings,ithelpsthechildlearntoaccept
theirownfeelings.Thechildlearnsfromtheirparent'sresponse,thatfeelingsarefriendly.
Activelisteningpromotesarelationshipofwarmthbetweenparentandchild.Theparent'sexperience
ofbeingheard,andunderstoodbythechild,issosatisfying,thatinvariablyitmakestheparentfeel
warmthtowardthechild.
Similarfeelingsareevokedwithinthechildaswell.Children,inparticular,respondwithlovingideas
andfeelings.Theybegintofeelwarmer,andclosertotheparentwhoisanactivelistener.
Whensomeonelistensempatheticallyandaccuratelytoanother,theactivelistenergetstounderstand
theotherperson,andgetstoappreciatetheotherperson'swayoflookingattheworld.Inasense,the
activelistenerbecomesthatotherperson,duringtheperiodofputtingonesselfintheotherperson's
shoes.Invariably,byallowingyourselftogetinsidetheotherperson,itproducesfeelingsof
closeness,caringandlove.Empathizingwithanotherperson,istoseethemasaseparateperson,and
yetbewillingtojoinwiththem.Itmeansbecomingacompaniontothem,forabriefperiod,intheir
journeythroughlife.
Suchanactinvolvesdeepcaringandlove.Parentswholearnempatheticactivelistening,discovera
newkindofappreciationandrespect,andadeeperfeelingofcaring.Inturn,thechildrespondstothe
parentswithsimilarfeelings.
Activelisteningfacilitateschildren'sproblemsolving.Weknowthatpeopledoabetterjob,of
thinkingaproblemthroughtowardasolution,whentheycantalkitout,asopposedtomerely
thinkingaboutit.Becauseactivelisteningissoeffective,infacilitatingtalking,ithelpstheother
personintheirsearchforsolutionstotheirproblems.Almosteverybodyhasheardsuchexpressions
as,"Letmeuseyouasasoundingboard,"or,"Iwouldliketokickthisproblemaroundwithyou,"or,
"Maybeitwouldhelpmetotalkitoutwithyou."
Activelisteninginfluencesthechildtobemorewilling,tolistentotheparents'thoughtsandideas.It
isuniversallyknown,thatwhensomeonewilllistentoyourpointofview,itistheneasiertolistento
theirs.Childrenaremorelikelytoopenthemselvesup,andreceivetheirparents'messages,iftheir
parentsfirsthearthemout.Whenparentscomplainthattheirkidsdonotlistentothem,itisagood
betthattheparentsarenotdoinganeffectivejob,oflisteningtothekids.
Activelisteningkeepstheballwiththechild.Whenparentsrespondtochildren'sproblemsbyactive
listening,theparentswillseehowoftenthechildrenstarttothinkforthemselvesabouttheirown
problems.Sinceactivelisteningallows,andencourageschildrentothinkforthemselves,thechildren
soonbegintoanalyze,andtotakeresponsibilityfortheirownproblems.Aschildrenlearntodiagnose
theirownproblems,theygainexperience,andeventuallylearntoarriveatcreativeandconstructive
solutionsoftheirown.
Activelisteningconveysatrustinthechild,whereasparentalmessagesofadvice,logic,instruction,
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andthelike,conveydistrust,becausetheytaketheresponsibilityofproblemsolvingawayfromthe
child.Activelisteningis,therefore,oneofthemosteffectivewaysofhelpingachildbecomemore
selfdirecting,selfresponsible,andindependent.
AttitudesRequiredtoUseActiveListening.
Activelisteningisnotsimplyatechnique,thatanyparentcanpulloutoftheirtoolkit,whenevertheir
childrenhaveproblems.Itisessentialthatyouractivelisteningbedonefromasetofbasicattitudes,
forthistechniquetowork.Withouttheseattitudes,activelisteningwillseldombeeffective,because,
otherwise,youwillsoundfalse,empty,mechanical,andinsincere.
Herearesomebasicattitudesthatmustbepresentwhenaparentisusingactivelistening.Whenever
theseattitudesarenotpresent,aparentcannotbeaneffectiveactivelistener.
1.Youmustwanttohearwhatthechildhastosay.Thismeansyouarewillingtotakethetime
tolisten.Ifyoudonothavetime,youneedonlysayso.
2.Youmustgenuinelywanttobehelpfultothem,withtheirparticularproblem,atthattime.If
youdonotwantto,waituntilyoudo.
3.Youmustgenuinelybeabletoaccepttheirfeelings,whatevertheymaybe,andnomatter
howdifferenttheymaybefromyourownfeelings,orfromthefeelingsyouthinkthechild
shouldfeel.Thisattitudemaytakesometimeforyoutodevelop.
4.Youmusthaveadeepfeelingoftrustinthechild'scapacitytohandletheirownfeelings,and
toworkthroughthem,andyoumusttrustyourchildtofindsolutionsontheirowntotheir
problems.Youwillacquirethistrust,overtime,asyouwitnessyourchildsolvingtheirown
problems.
5.Youmustappreciatethatfeelingsaretransitory,notpermanent.Feelingschange.Hatecan
turnintolove,anddiscouragementmayquicklybereplacedbyhope.Consequently,youneed
notbeafraidoffeelingsbeingexpressed.Feelingsdonotbecomeforeverfixedinsidethechild,
ifthefeelingsareallowedtobeopenlyexpressed.Activelisteningwilldemonstratethistoyou.
6.Youmustbeabletoseeyourchildassomeoneseparatefromyou,asauniquepersonno
longerjoinedtoyou.Althoughyougavelifetoyourchild,youmustseethemasadistinct
individual,andgivethemthefreedomtohavetheirownidentity.Thisseparatenesswillenable
youtopermitthechildtohavetheirownfeelings,andtheirownwayofperceivingthings.Only
byyourfeelingthisseparateness,willyoubeabletobeahelpingagentforthechild.Youcan
bewiththemastheyexperiencetheirproblems,butyoumustnotfeelthatyoushouldbejoined
tothem.
TheRiskofActiveListening.
Activelisteningrequiresyoutosuspendyourownthoughtsandfeelings,inordertoattend
exclusivelytothemessagefromyourchild.Itrequiresyoutofocusonaccuratelyreceivingyour
child'smessage.Ifyouwanttounderstandthechild'smessages,intermsoftheirtruemeaning,you
mustputyourselfintothechild'sshoes,orintothechild'sframeofreference.Youmustsensethe
child'sworldofreality,sothatyoucanthenheartheirintendedmeaning.
Yourfeedback,aspartoftheactivelisteningprocess,isultimatelynothingmorethanyourchecking,
thatthemessageyouheard,isthesamemessagethatyourchildwastryingtosend.Yourfeedback
alsoassuresyourchild,thatheorshehasbeenproperlyunderstood,whentheyheartheirown
messagefedbacktothemaccurately.
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Somethinghappenstoyouwhenyoupracticeactivelistening.Tounderstandaccuratelyhowanother
personthinksorfeels,fromtheirpointofview,youmustputyourselfmomentarilyintotheirshoes,
andseetheworldastheyareseeingit.
You,therefore,asalistener,runtheriskofhavingyourownopinionsandattitudeschanged.Inother
words,youcanactuallybecomechangedbynewthingsthatyoucometounderstand.Byyourbeing
opentotheexperienceofanotherperson,itinvitesthepossibilityofyourhavingtoreinterpretyour
ownexperiences,andunderstandings.Thatcanbescary.
Adefensivepersoncannotaffordtoexposethemselftoideasandviewsthataredifferentfromtheir
own.Aflexibleperson,however,isnotasafraidofbeingchanged.Andkids,whohaveflexible
parents,respondpositivelywhentheyseethattheirmothersandfathersarewillingtochange,andare
willingtobehuman.
Chapter4PuttingYourActiveListening
SkillstoWork.
Version2014.03.23
Parentsareusuallyamazedwhentheydiscoverwhatactivelisteningcanaccomplish,butactive
listeningtakesefforttowork.And,difficultasitmayseematfirst,activelisteningmustbeused
frequently,andconsistently.
Parentsask,"WillIknowwhentouseactivelistening?"Ortheyask,"CanIgetgoodenoughatactive
listening,tobecomeaneffectivecounselor,formyownchildren?"
Forexample,anintelligent,welleducatedmotherofthree,confessedtotheotherparentsinherP.E.T.
class,saying,"Inowrealizehowstrongmyhabitis,togivemychildrenadvice,ortellthemmy
solutionstotheirproblems.ItisahabitIhavewithotherpeoplealso,includingmyfriends,andmy
husband.IwonderifIcanchangefrombeingMrs.KnowItAll."
Ourresponseisasomewhatqualified,"Yes."Yes,mostparentscanchange,andlearnwhentouse
activelisteningappropriately,providedtheytaketheplunge,andstartputtingittowork.Practice
makesperfect,or,atleast,practicewillbringmostparentsareasonablyeffectivelevelofcompetence.
Wesaytohesitantparents,whoatfirstfeelinadequateabouttryingthisnewmethodoftalkingto
kids,"Giveityourbestshot.Therewardswillbeworththeeffort."
Inthischapter,wewillshowyouhowparentshavelearnedtouseactivelistening.Aswithlearning
anynewactivity,peopleinevitablyencounterdifficulties,andevenfailures.But,weknowyouwill
seeprogress,ifyouworkseriouslyatdevelopingyoursensitivity,andyourskills.Youwillseeyour
childrengrowtowardindependence,andmaturity,andyouwillenjoynewwarmthandintimacywith
them.
Whendoesthechild"own"theproblem?
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Activelisteningisthemostappropriatethingyoucando,whenyourchildrevealsthatheorshehasa
problem.Anytimeyouhearthemexpressingfeelings,youcanusuallyrecognizetheyhaveaproblem.
Allchildrenencountersituationsintheirlivesthataredisappointing,frustrating,painful,orshattering.
Theycanhaveproblemswiththeirfriends,theirbrothersorsisters,theirparents,theirteachers,or
theirenvironment,andtheycanhaveproblemswiththemselves.Childrenwhofindhelpinsolving
suchproblems,maintaintheirpsychologicalhealth,astheycontinueonwiththeirlives,acquiring
morestrength,andselfconfidence.Childrenwhodonotfindhelp,developemotionalproblems.
Youneedtobetunedintohearyourchild's,"Ihavegotaproblem,"kindsofwordsandfeelings.That
ishowyoucanrecognizewhenitisappropriate,toputactivelisteningtowork.Thisisalsowhenthe
ideaofproblemownershipcomesintoplay.
Yourchildownsaproblemwhenheorsheisthwartedinsatisfyingsomethingtheywant,orneed.
Thatisnotaproblemforyoudirectly,becauseyourchild'sbehavior,doesnotinterferewithyour
satisfyingyourownneeds.Therefore,yourchildownstheproblem.
Activelisteningismostappropriatewhenyourchildownstheproblem,becauseactivelisteninghelps
yourchildtofindsolutionstotheirownproblems.
But,activelisteningisnotenoughwhenyouowntheproblem.Activelisteningaloneseldomhelps
youfindsolutionswhenyourchild'sbehavioriscausingyouaproblem.
Inthenextchapter,wewillintroducemethodsforyoutosolveproblemsyouown,whenyourchild
hasnoproblems,butwhenyourproblemiscausedbyyourchild'sbehavior.Youownthoseproblems
then,anditisimportantthatyouclearlyrecognizethedifferencebetweenproblemsyouown,and
problemsyourchildowns.
Herearesomeexamplesofproblemsownedbyyourchild.
Alexisfeelingrejectedbyoneofhisfriends.
Victorisdisappointedbecausehedidnotmakethebaseballteam.
Lindaisdevastatedbecausenobodyaskedhertotheprom.
Bonnieisunabletodecidewhatshewantstodoinlife.
Rayisuncertainaboutwhethertogotocollege.
Stevenisembarrassedbecauseheisoverweight.
Lisaisscaredbecauseagirlatschoolisthreateningtobeatherup.
Rodneygetsangrywhenhelosesagametohisbrother.
KidsatschoolarecallingLauren"sticklegs"becausesheissothin.
Heatherisfeelingtroubledbecauseshemightfailtwocourses.
Mike'sfriendkeepspressuringhimtosmoke.
Yourchildinevitablyencountersproblems,suchasthose,astheyattempttocopewiththeirownlife
alifetheyown.Yourchild'sfrustrations,andconcerns,andeventheirfailures,belongtothemnotto
you.
Thisconceptisonethatmanyparentsatfirstfindhardtoaccept.Mostmothersandfathersare
inclinedtomaketoomanyoftheirchildren'sproblemstheirown.Bydoingso,asweshall
demonstratelater,theycausethemselvesunnecessarygrief,contributetothedeteriorationoftheir
relationshipwiththeirchildren,andmisscountlessopportunitiestobeeffectivecounselorsfortheir
children.
Whenaparentacceptsthefactthataproblemisownedbythechild,thatinnowaymeansthatthe
parentcannotbeconcerned,care,orofferhelp.
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Professionalcounselorshaverealconcernfor,andgenuinelycareabout,eachchildtheyaretryingto
help.But,unlikemostparents,thecounselorleavestheresponsibilityforsolvingthechild'sproblem,
withthechild.
Counselorsrecognizethatthechildisaseparateindividualfromthemselves,andallowthechildto
owntheproblem.Counselorsacceptthatthechildhasaproblem,andyettheyrelyheavilyupon,and
basicallytrustinthechild'sowninnerresourcesforsolvingtheirownproblem.Onlybecausethe
counselorsletthechildowntheproblemaretheyabletoemployActiveListening.
ActiveListeningisapowerfulmethodforhelpinganotherpersonsolveproblemsthatheorsheowns,
providedthelistenercanaccepttheotherperson'sownership,andconsistentlyallowtheotherperson
tofindtheirownsolutions.ActiveListeningcangreatlyincreasetheeffectivenessofparentsas
helpingagentsfortheirchildren,butitisadifferentkindofhelpfromthatwhichparentsusuallytry
togive.
Paradoxically,thismethodwillalsoincreasetheparent'soverallinfluenceonthechild,butitisan
influencethatdiffersfromthekindthatmostparentstrytoexertovertheirchildren.ActiveListening
isamethodofinfluencingchildrentofindtheirownsolutionstotheirownproblems.Mostparents,
however,aretemptedtotakeoverownershipoftheirchildren'sproblems,asinthefollowing
conversationbetweenAnthonyandhismother:
ANTHONY:Matteowon'tplaywithmetoday.Hewon'teverdowhatIwanttodo.
MOTHER:Well,whydon'tyouoffertodowhathewantstodo?You'vegottolearntogetalongwith
yourfriends.[ADVISING,MORALIZING.]
ANTHONY:Idonotliketodothingshewantstodo,andbesidesIdonotwanttogetalongwith
him!
MOTHER:Well,gofindsomeoneelsetoplaywiththenifyouaregoingtobeabrat.[OFFERINGA
SOLUTIONNAMECALLING.]
ANTHONY:Heisthebrat,notme.Andthereisnotanyoneelsetoplaywith.
MOTHER:Youarejustupsetbecauseyouaretired.Youwillfeelbetteraboutthistomorrow.
[INTERPRETING,REASSURING.]
ANTHONY:Iamnottired,andIwon'tfeeldifferenttomorrow.YoudonotunderstandhowmuchI
hatehim.
MOTHER:Nowstoptalkinglikethat!IfIeverhearyoutalkaboutoneofyourfriendslikethatagain,
youwillbesorry.[ORDERING,THREATENING.]
ANTHONY:(walkingawayandsulking):Ihatethisplace.Iwishwewouldmove.
HereishowthemothercanhelpthesameboyusingActiveListening:
ANTHONY:Matteowillnotplaywithmetoday.HewillnoteverdowhatIwanttodo.
MOTHER:You'rekindofangrywithMatteo.
ANTHONY:Yeah.Ineverwanttoplaywithhimagain.He'snotmyfriendanymore.
MOTHER:You'resoangryyoufeellikeneverseeinghimagain.
ANTHONY:That'sright.Butifhe'snotmyfriend,Iwon'thaveanyonetoplaywiththen.
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MOTHER:Youwouldhatetobeleftwithnoone.
ANTHONY:Yeah.IguessIjusthavetogetalongwithhimsomehow.Butit'shardformetostop
gettingmadathim.
MOTHER:Youwanttogetalongbetterbutit'shardforyoutokeepfromgettingmadatMatteo.
ANTHONY:Ineverusedto,butthat'swhenhealwaysdidwhatIwantedtodo.Hewon'tletmeboss
himanymore.
MOTHER:Matteodoesn'talwaysgoalongwithwhatyouwantanymore.
ANTHONY:No...He'snotsuchababynow.Heismorefunthough.
MOTHER:Youreallylikehimbetterthisway.
ANTHONY:Yeah.Butitishardtostopbossinghim.Iamsousedtoit.Maybewewouldn'tfightso
muchifIlethimhavehiswayonceinawhile.Thinkthatwouldwork?
MOTHER:You'rethinkingthatifyoumightgiveinoccasionally,itmighthelp.
ANTHONY:Yeah...maybeitwould.I'lltryit.
Inthefirstversion,themotherusedeightofthe12CommunicationRoadblocks.Inthesecond,the
motherconsistentlyusedActiveListening.Inthefirst,themother"tookovertheproblem"inthe
second,herActiveListeningkeptownershipoftheproblemwithAnthony.Inthefirst,Anthony
resistedhismother'ssuggestions,hisangerandfrustrationwereneverdissipated,theproblem
remainedunresolved,andtherewasnogrowthonAnthony'spart.Inthesecond,hisangerleft,he
initiatedproblemsolving,andhetookadeeperlookathimself.Hearrivedathisownsolutionand
obviouslygrewanotchtowardbecomingaresponsible,selfdirectingproblemsolver.
Hereisanothersituationtoillustratehowparentstypicallytrytohelpchildren.
KATHY:Idon'twantanydinnertonight.
DAD:Comeon.Kidsyourageneedtohavethreemealsaday.[INSTRUCTING,PERSUADING
WITHLOGIC.]
KATHY:Well,Ihadabiglunch.
DAD:Well,justcometothetableanywayandseewhatwe'rehaving.[SUGGESTING.]
KATHY:I'mnotgoingtoeatanything.
DAD:What'sthematterwithyoutonight?[PROBING.]
KATHY:Nothing.
DAD:Well,thengettothetable.[ORDERING.]
KATHY:I'mnothungryandIdon'twanttogotothetable.
NowhereishowthesamegirlcanbehelpedwithActiveListening:
KATHY:Idon'twantanydinnertonight.
DAD:Youdon'tfeellikeeatingtonight.
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KATHY:Isuredon't.I'mtoostressedouttoeat.
DAD:Something'sreallybotheringyou,isthatright?
KATHY:It'sworsethanthat.I'mreallyscared.
DAD:You'rereallyfrightenedaboutsomething.
KATHY:Isuream.Lancecalledmetodayandsaidhewantedtotalktometonight.Hesoundedreal
serious.That'snotlikehim.
DAD:Makesyoufeelsomething'sup,huh?
KATHY:I'mafraidhewantstobreakup.
DAD:Youwouldhatetohavethathappen.
KATHY:Itwouldkillme!EspeciallybecauseIthinkhe'dliketogooutwithAlexis.Thatwouldbe
theworst!
DAD:That'sreallywhatscaresyouthatAlexismightgethim.
KATHY:Yeah.Shegetsallthegoodguys.Sheissickeningalwaystalkingtoboysandmakingthem
laugh.Theyallfallforit.She'salwaysgotthreeorfourboyshangingaroundherinthehalls.Idonot
knowhowshedoesit.Ican'teverthinkofanythingtotalkaboutaroundboys.
DAD:YouwishyoucouldtalkaseasilyasAlexisaroundboys.
KATHY:IguessIwantthemtolikemesomuch,IamafraidIwillsaysomethingstupid.
DAD:Youwantsobadlytobepopularthatyouareafraidyouwillmakeamistake.
KATHY:Yeah.ButIcouldn'tdoanyworsethanIamdoingnowstandingaroundlikeadork.
DAD:Youfeelmaybeyouareworseoffnowthanifyoudidgoaheadandtalk.
KATHY:Iam,forsure.I'msickofsayingnothing.
Inthefirstversionoftheconversation,Kathy'sfatherfailedtodecodehermessagerightatthestart,
andsotheconversationgothungupontheeatingproblem.Inthesecondgoaround,Dad'ssensitive
ActiveListeninghelpeduncovertherealproblem,andencouragedproblemsolvingonKathy'spart,
whicheventuallyhelpedhertoconsidermakingachange.
Howparentsmakeactivelisteningwork
HereisachancetoseesomeparentsputtingActiveListeningtoworkathome,whentheyare
confrontedwiththenittygrittyproblemsthatmothersandfathersoftenencounter.Itwouldbewise
foryoutonotgetsoinvolvedintheseauthenticsituations,thatyouforgettotakenoteoftheActive
Listeningtheseparentsareusing.
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Danny:TheChildAfraidtoGotoSleep
Inhandlingthissituation,thismother,aP.E.T.graduate,initiallyusedafewofthe12Communication
Roadblocks,butthensherefocused,andreliedheavilyonActiveListening.HersonDanny,whowas
eightyearsold,hadbeenhavingincreasingtroublegettingtosleepsincehewasfiveyearsold.About
eightmonthsbeforethefollowingdialoguetookplace,hehadmovedoutofaroomhehadbeen
sharingwithtwoyoungerbrothers.AlthoughDannyhadbeeneagerforaroomofhisown,hismother
foundthathissleepingproblemhadintensified.
MOTHER:It'slate.Turnoutthelightandgotosleep.
DANNY:I'mnotgoingtosleep.
MOTHER:Youhaveto,it'slate.You'llbetiredtomorrow.
DANNY:I'mnotgoingtosleep.
MOTHER:Turnthatlightoff,now!
DANNY:I'mnevergoingtosleep.
Themotherthinkstoherself,'Ifeellikestranglinghim.I'msotired,Ican'tstandthistonight.'She
goesintothekitchen,countstoten,anddecidesthatsheisgoingbackinthere,andtryActive
Listeningevenifitkillsher.
MOTHER:Comeon,Danny,it'slate.ButI'llsitonyourbedforawhileandrestmyfeet,beforeIdo
thedishes.
Themothertakesthebookfromhim,turnsoffthelight,closesthedoor,andsitsonthebedbeside
him,leaningbackagainstthewall.
DANNY:Gimmethatbook!Don'tturnoffthelight.Getoutofhere.Idon'twantyouinhere.I'mnot
goingtosleep.Ihateyou!
MOTHER:You'refeelingveryangry.
DANNY:Yeah,Ihateschool,andI'llnevergoback,never!
MOTHER:You'refedupwithschool.
DANNY:It'shorrible.I'mnotgoodinschool.Don'tknowanything.Ishouldbeinsecondgrade.
Math,Idon'tknowit.Theteachermustthinkwe'reinahighschoolorsomething.
ThemotherknowsthatDannylovesschool.Heisinthethirdgrade,andlovesmath,too.
MOTHER:Math'sprettyhardforyou.
DANNY:No!It'seasy.Ijustdon'tfeellikedoingit.
MOTHER:Oh.
DANNY:Ilikebaseball.Iwouldmuchratherplaybaseballthangotoschool.
MOTHER:Youreallylikebaseball.
DANNY:Doyouhavetogotocollege?
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MOTHER:No.
Danny'soldestbrotherwillsoonentercollege,andtherehasbeenmuchfamilytalkaboutit.
DANNY:Howlongdoyouhavetogotoschool?
MOTHER:Youhavetofinishhighschool.
DANNY:Well,I'mnotgoingtocollege.Don'thaveto,right?
MOTHER:Right.
DANNY:Good,I'llplaybaseball.
MOTHER:Baseball'sreallyfun.
DANNY:Yeah.Well,goodnight.
MOTHER:Goodnight.
Dannyiscompletelycalmeddown.Hecontinuestalkingcomfortably,andwithnoanger.
DANNY:Willyousitupwithmesomemore?
MOTHER:Okay.
Dannypullsupthecoverswhichhadbeenkickedoff,carefullycoversuphismother'skneesandpats
them.
DANNY:Comfortable?
MOTHER:Yes,thankyou.
DANNY:You'rewelcome.
Afteraperiodofquiet,Dannystartssnortingandsniffingwithmuchexaggeratedclearingofhis
throatandnose.Snort,snort,snort.Dannydoeshaveaslightallergy,withastuffynose,butthe
symptomsareneveracute.MotherhasneverheardDannysnortlikethisbefore.
MOTHER:Nosebuggingyou?
DANNY:Yeah,sureis.DoyouthinkIneedthestuffynosemedicine?
MOTHER:Doyouthinkitwouldhelp?
DANNY:No
Dannysnortsagainacoupleoftimes.
MOTHER:Nosereallybugsyou,huh?
DANNY:Yeah.
Dannysnortsagain,andsighsinanguish.
DANNY:Oh,Iwishyoudidn'thavetobreathethroughyournosewhenyousleep.
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Themotherisverysurprisedatthis,andsheistemptedtoaskDannywherehisideacamefrom,but
sheusesactivelisteninginstead.
MOTHER:Youthinkyouhavetobreathethroughyournosewhenyousleep?
DANNY:IknowIhaveto.
MOTHER:Youfeelsureaboutit.
DANNY:Iknowit.Tommytoldme,alongtimeago.Hesaidyouhaveto.Youcannotbreathe
throughyourmouthwhenyousleep.
TommyisDanny'smuchadmiredfriend,whoistwoyearsolderthanDanny.
MOTHER:Youmeanyouaren'tsupposedto?
DANNY:Youjustcan't.That'sright,Mommy,isn'tit?Imean,yougottabreathethroughyournose
whenyousleep,don'tyou?
Dannysnortsagain,andgivesalongexplanation.HethentalksabouthisfriendTommy,and
concludesbysaying,"Tommywouldn'tlietome."
Themotherexplainsthathisfriendisprobablytryingtohelp,butkidsgetfalseinformation
sometimes.Themothercarefullyexplainsthateveryonebreathesthroughtheirmouthwhentheyare
sleeping.Dannyisveryrelieved.
DANNY:Well,goodnight.
MOTHER:Goodnight.
Dannybreatheseasilythroughhismouthforfewmoments,butthensnortsagain.
MOTHER:Areyoustillscared?
DANNY:Yeah,Mommy.WhatifIgotosleepbreathingthroughmymouth,andmynoseisstuffy,
andwhatifinthemiddleofthenightwhenI'msoundasleep...whatifIclosedmymouth?
ThemotherrealizesthatDannyhasbeenafraidtogotosleepforyears,becausehewasafraidhe
wouldchoketodeath,andshethinkstoherself,"Oh,mypoorbaby."
MOTHER:You'reafraidyoumightchoke,maybe?
DANNY:Yes.Yougottabreathe.
MOTHER:Itsimplycouldn'thappen.Yourmouthwouldopen,justlikeyourheartpumpsblood,or
youreyesblink.
DANNY:Areyousure?
MOTHER:Yes,I'msure.
DANNY:Well,goodnight.
MOTHER:Goodnight,dear.
ThemothergivesDannyakiss,andheisasleepinminutes.
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ThecaseofDannyisnotauniqueexamplefromaparent,whoseActiveListeningbroughtaboutthe
dramaticresolutionofanemotionalproblem.Reportslikethese,fromparentsinourclasses,confirm
ourbeliefthatmostparentscanlearntheskillofActiveListeningemployedbyprofessional
counselors.Andparentscanlearnitwellenoughtoputittowork,tohelptheirownchildrensolve
ratherdeepseatedproblemsproblemsthatusedtobeconsideredtheexclusiveprovinceof
professionalcounsellors.
Nancy:TheChildFrustratedwithSchool.
SometimesActiveListeningfunctionsonlyasakindoftherapeuticlisteningthatbringsabouta
catharticreleaseofachild'sfeelings.Allthechildseemstoneedisanempathicear,orasounding
board,aswithNancy,averybrighttenyearold.Nancy'smotherhadsuggestedtoherdaughterthat
theirsessionbetaperecorded,sothatthemothercouldbringthetapetoherP.E.T.class.
Weencourageparentstodothisinourcourse,sothatwecanusethetapeforcoachingthemotheror
father,aswellasforteachingtheothersintheclasses.Asyoureadtheverbatimtranscript,tryto
imaginehowmostuntrainedparentswouldinsteadhaveusedtheroadblocksinrespondingtoNancy's
feelingsaboutherteacher.
MOTHER:Nancy,youdon'tfeellikegoingtoschooltomorrow,huh?
NANCY:There'snothingtolookforwardto.
MOTHER:Youmeanitissortofboring...
NANCY:Yeah.ThereisnothingtodoexceptwatchMrs.Stupid.She'ssofatandsaggy,andsostupid
looking!
MOTHER:Soshereallyannoysyouwiththethingsshedoes...
NANCY:Yeah.Andthenshegoesaroundsaying,"Okay,Iwillgivethistoyoutomorrow."Soitis
tomorrow,andshesays,"Oh,Iforgotit.Iwillgiveittoyousomeothertime."
MOTHER:Soshemakespromisesthatshe'sgoingtodothings...
NANCY:Andsheneverdoesthem.
MOTHER:Andshedoesn'tfollowthrough,andthismakesyouveryupset.
NANCY:Yeah,shestillhasn'tgivenmethatnotebookshepromisedmeinSeptember.
MOTHER:Shesaysshe'sgoingtodothings,andyoucountonher,butshedoesnotdothem.
NANCY:Andallsortsoftripswe'resupposedtogoon.Shesayswe'regoingonafieldtriponeof
thesedays,thenaftershesayssomethinglikethat,shenevertellsusanythingelseaboutit.Shesays
it,andthat'sall.Andthenshegoesontomakeotherpromises.
MOTHER:Soshegetsyourhopesup,andyoureallythinkthingsaregoingtobebetter.Youthink
somethingfunisgoingtohappen,anditdoesnothappen.
NANCY:Right.It'stotallystupid.
MOTHER:Youarereallydisappointedaboutwhatgoesoninthecourseoftheday.
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NANCY:Yeah,theonlyperiodIlikeisArt.Atleastthenshe'snotnaggingyouaboutyourwritingor
something.She'salwaysonme,saying,"Oh,yourwritingissoterrible!Whycan'tyoumakeyour
writingbetter?Whyareyousocareless?"
MOTHER:Youfeellikeshe'sonyourbackallthetime.
NANCY:Yeah.AndinArt,shetellsmewhatcolorstouse,andIdon'tusethem.Imakeitlook
pretty,andshejustshowsmehowtoputshadowsin.
MOTHER:Therestofthetime,sheleavesyouprettymuchaloneinArt.
NANCY:Yes,exceptforontherooftiles.
MOTHER:Shemakesyoudothoseacertainway.
NANCY:Yes.Idon'tdothemthatway,though.
MOTHER:Itreallybothersyouthatshetellsyouherideasthatyouhavetofollow.
NANCY:I'mnotgoingto.I'mgoingtoignorethembutthenIgetintrouble.
MOTHER:Whenyouignoreherideasyou'reafraidyou'regoingtogetintrouble.
NANCY:Yes.Idon'tmostofthetime.Ialwayshavetodowhatshewants.Andthewayshemakes
menumberinMathoneA,oneB.
MOTHER:Youreallywouldliketoignoreherideas,butyougoaheadanywayanddothemtheway
shewants,andthenyouaremad.
NANCY:Shemakeseverythingtakesolong.Shehastoexplaineverything,anddooneortwowith
thekids,andtellthemhowtodoit.Shemakesmefeellikewearebabies.Sheisalwayssaying,"This
isabrandnewstep."Shetreatsuslikelittlekindergarteners.
Itissometimeshardforparentstoletasessionlikethatendonaninconclusive,orincompletenote.
Whenparentsunderstandthatthisfrequentlyhappensincounselingsessionsconductedby
professionalcounselors,theyaremuchmoreabletoallowthechildtostop,trustingthatthechildwill
findtheirownsolutionlater.Professionalslearnfromexperiencethatyoucanhavefaithinthe
capacityofchildrentodealconstructivelywiththeirownlifeproblems.Parentsoftenunderestimate
thiscapacitywithintheirchildren.
Followingisanexample,drawnfromaninterviewIhadwithanadolescent.Itillustratesthepointthat
ActiveListeningdoesnotalwaysbringaboutanonthespotchange.Frequently,ActiveListening
mayonlystartachainofevents,andtheconclusionmaynotbecomeapparentforsometime,orin
somecases,theconclusionmayneverbeknownbytheparent.Thishappensbecausechildrenoften
workoutasolutionafterwardontheirown.
Professionalcounselorsseethishappeningallthetime.Achildmayendacounselinghourstillinthe
middleofdiscussingaproblem,onlytoreturnaweeklatertoreportthatithasbeensolved.
ThisoccurredwithNigel,asixteenyearoldyoungmanwhowasbroughttomeforcounseling,
becausehisparentswereworriedabouthisutterdisregardforschool,hisrebellionagainstadults,his
useofdrugs,andhislackofcooperationathome.
Forseveralweeks,Nigelspentthecounselinghourdefendinghissmokingmarijuana,andcriticizing
adultsfortheirownuseofalcoholandtobacco.Hesawnothingwrongwithusingpot.Hethought
everyoneshouldtryit,becauseitwassuchamarvelousexperienceforhim.Healsostrongly
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questionedthevalueofschool.Heregardeditonlyaspreparationforgettingajob,sothataperson
couldearnmoney,andbeinthesametrapthateveryoneelseinsocietywasin.Hehadbeengetting
D'sandF'sinschool.ForNigel,doinganythingconstructiveseemedfutile.
Onedayhecameinforhiscounselinghour,andsuddenlyannouncedthathehaddecidedtostop
smokingpot.Hesaidhewasthrough"ruininghislife."Whilehestilldidnotknowwhathewantedto
doinlife,hesaidhewassurehedidnotwanttothrowhislifeawaybybeingaloser.Healso
announcedthathewasworkinghardonthetwocourseshewastakinginsummerschool,afterhaving
flunkedallbutoneofhiscoursesduringtheregularyear.EventuallyNigelendedupwithtwoB+
gradesinthosesummercourses.Hegraduatedfromhighschool,andenteredcollege.
Idonotknowwhatchangedhim,butIsuspectthathisowngoodsensewasmobilizedbyhisbeing
ActivelyListenedto.
SometimesActiveListeningsimplyhelpssomeoneacceptasituationthattheyknowtheycannot
change.ActiveListeninghelpsyourchildrenexpresstheirfeelingsaboutanunhappysituation,and
theyfeelbetterwhentheycangettheirfeelingsofanguishofftheirchest.Youletthemfeelthattheir
feelings,whatevertheymightbe,areacceptedbysomeoneelse.
ItisprobablythesamephenomenonthatgripinghasintheArmy.Thegriperusuallyknowshecannot
changethesituation,butitdoesseemtohelptobeabletogetnegativefeelingsoutintheopen,inthe
presenceofsomeonewhoacceptsandunderstands.Thisisillustratedinthefollowingexchange
betweenAlyssa,agedtwelve,andhermother.
ALYSSA:DoIhatethatMrs.Johnson,mynewEnglishteacher!Ithinkshehateskids.
MOTHER:Youreallygotabadonethissemester,huh.
ALYSSA:Totally!Shestandsupthereyakkingawayaboutherself,untilIgetsobored,Ican'tstand
it.Iwanttotellhertoshutup.
MOTHER:Youreallygetsoangryather.
ALYSSA:Sodoeseveryoneelse.Nobodylikesher.Whydotheyhireteacherslikethat?Howdothey
keeptheirjobs?
MOTHER:Makesyouwonderhowanyonethatbadisallowedtoteach.
ALYSSA:Yeah,butshe'sthere,andit'stoolatetochangemyclass,soIguessI'mstuckwithher.
Well,IgottagocallStacyaboutthisweekend.Seeyoulater.
Obviously,noclearsolutionwasreached,norcanAlyssadoanythingmuchtochangeherteacher.
However,beingpermittedtoexpressherfeelings,andhavethemacceptedandunderstood,frees
Alyssatomoveontosomethingelse.Thismotherisalsodemonstratingtoherdaughter,thatwhen
herdaughterhasdifficulties,herdaughterhasanacceptingpersontosharethemwith.
Whenshouldaparentdecidetouseactivelistening?
TouseActiveListening,youdonothavetowaituntilsomeratherseriousproblemcomesup,suchas
wasthecasewithDanny,whowasafraidtogotosleep?Quitethecontrary.Yourchildrensendyou
messageseverydaythattellyoutheyareexperiencingtroublesomefeelings.
Forexample,littleNatehasjustburnedhisfingeronhismother'scurlingiron.
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NATE:Oh,Iburnedmyfinger,Mommy,Iburnedmyfinger.Ow,ithurts,ithurts.
Natebeginscryingnow,andsays:Myfingergotburned.Ow,ow!
MOTHER:O,o.Itreallyhurts.Ithurtsterribly.
NATE:Yes,lookhowbadIburnedit.
MOTHER:Itfeelslikeit'sburnedrealbad.Ithurtssomuch.
NATE,stopscrying,andsays:Putsomethingonitrightaway.
MOTHER:Okay.I'llgetsomeicetomakeitcooler,thenwecanputsomeointmentonit.
Respondingtothiscommonlittlehouseholdincident,MotheravoidedreassuringNatewith,"It'snot
sobad,"or,"Itwillfeelbetter."SherespectedNate'sfeelingsthatitwasburnedbadly,andthatithurt
alot.
Shealsorefrainedfromevaluating,namecalling,andcommanding,withoneofthemosttypical
parentalresponsesinsituationslikethis.Shedidnotsay,"Nownow,Nate,youdidn'tburnitthat
badly.Don'tbesuchalittlebaby.Stopthatcrying,rightnow."
Nate'smother'sActiveListeningreflectssomeimportantattitudesthatshehastowardhim:
Sheacknowledgesthathehasencounteredapainfulmomentinhislife.
Sherecognizesthatitishisproblem,andhehasarighttohisownuniquereactiontoit.
Shedoesnotdenyhimhisownfeelings,andacknowledgesthathisfeelingsarerealtohim.
Shecanaccepthowbadhefeelstheburnis,andhowmuchhehurts.
Shedoesnotmakehimfeelwrong,orguiltyforwhateverhisfeelingsmightbe.
Parentsreportthatwhenachildishurtandcriesvigorously,ActiveListeningwillfrequentlybring
aboutadramaticandinstantaneouscessationofthecrying.Thesuddenchangehappensoncethechild
iscertainthattheparentknowsandunderstandshowbadlythechildfeels,orhowmuchthechildis
afraid.Whatthechildneedsmostisgettinganacknowledgementthattheparentunderstandswhatthe
childisfeeling.
Childrencanalsobeveryvexingtoaparentwhentheyfeelanxious,frightened,orinsecure,whenthe
parentleavesforwork,orleavesfortheeveningorwhenachildisawayfromhome,andmissestheir
favoritedoll,orblanketorwhenthechildhastosleepinastrangebed,andsoon.Aparentgets
understandablyimpatientwhenthechildwillnotstopwhining,orstopcallingoutforwhattheyare
missing.
"Iwantmyblanket,Iwantmyblanket,Iwantmyblanket!"
"Idonotwantyoutogo.Idonotwantyoutogo!"
"Iwantmybear.Whereismybear?Iwantmybear!"
Reassurancefromtheparentseldomworksinsuchsituations,butActiveListening,ontheotherhand,
canworkwonders.Themainthingthechildwantsisrecognitionfromtheparent,ofhowdeeplythe
childisfeeling.
OnemanreportedthefollowingincidentshortlyaftertakingtheP.E.T.class:
"IwaswatchingMichele,agedthreeandahalf,andshebegantowhineincessantly,whenhermom
leftherinthecarwithme,whileshewentshoppinginthesupermarket.
"'IwantmyMommy,'wasrepeatedadozentimes,despitemytellinghereachtimethatMommy
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wouldbebackinafewminutes.
"Thenshechangedtoloudcrying:'Iwantmybear.Iwantmybear.'AftereverythingItried,failedto
pacifyher,IrememberedtheActiveListeningmethod.
"Indesperation,Isaid,'YoumissyourMommywhensheleavesyou.'
"Michelenodded.
"Isaid,'YoudonotlikeforMommytoleavewithoutyou.'
"Michelenoddedagain,stillfearfullyclutchinghersecurityblanket,andlookinglikeafrightened,
lostkitten,huddledinthecornerofthebackseat.
"Icontinued,saying,'WhenyoumissMommy,youwanttohaveyourbear.'
"Michelenoddedvigorously.
"Isaid,'Butyoudonothaveyourbearhere,andyoumissyourbear,too.'
"Then,asifbymagic,Michelegotoutofhercorner,droppedherblanket,stoppedcrying,crawledin
thefrontseatwithme,andbegantoconversepleasantlyaboutthepeopleshesawintheparkinglot."
Thelessontoparents,asitwasforthemanwatchinglittleMichele,isthatyouhavetoaccepttheway
yourchildfeels,ratherthantrysomedirectapproachtogetridofthewhiningandpestering,with
yourreassuranceorthreats.Kidswanttoknow,thatyouknow,howbadlytheyfeel.
Anothersituation,whereActiveListeningcaneffectivelybeputtowork,isoneinwhichchildren
sendmessagesthatarestrangelycoded,makingitdifficultfortheparenttounderstandjustwhatis
goingoninsidetheirheads.Often,butnotalways,theirmessagesarecodedasquestions:
"WillIevergetmarried?"
"Whatdoesitfeelliketodie?"
"Whydokidscallmeawimp?"
"Daddy,whatdidyoulikeingirlswhenyouwereaboy?"
Thatlastquestioncameoutofmyowndaughter'smouthonemorningatbreakfast,beforesheleftfor
juniorhighschool.Likemostfathers,Iwasimmediatelytemptedtotaketheballandrunwithit,
givensuchachancetoreminisceaboutmyboyhood.Fortunately,Icaughtmyself,andcameupwith
anActiveListeningresponseinstead:
FATHER:Soundslikeyouarewonderingwhatyouneedinordertogetboystolikeyou,isthatright?
DAUGHTER:Yeah.ForsomereasontheydonotseemtolikemeandIdonotknowwhy.
FATHER:Youareconfusedwhytheydonotseemtolikeyou.
DAUGHTER:Well,IknowIdonottalkmuch.Iamafraidtotalkinfrontofboys.
FATHER:Youjustcannotseemtoopenupandberelaxedwithboys.
DAUGHTER:Yeah.IamafraidIwillsaysomethingthatwillmakemelooksillytothem.
FATHER:Youdonotwantthemtothinkyouaresilly.
DAUGHTER:Yeah.SoifIamquiet,Idonoteventakethatrisk.
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FATHER:Itseemssafertobequiet.
DAUGHTER:Yes,butthatdoesnotgetmeanyplace,becausenowtheymustthinkIamdull.
FATHER:Beingquietdoesnotgetyouwhatyouwant.
DAUGHTER:No.IguessIjusthavetotakeachance.
Iwouldhavemuffedthechancetobehelpful,ifIhadgivenintothetemptationtotellmydaughter
aboutmyboyhoodpreferencesingirls.ThankstoActiveListening,mydaughtertookasmallstep
forward.Sheacquiredanewinsightthetypethatoftenleadstoaconstructiveselfinitiated
behavioralchange.
Unusuallycodedmessages,thatchildrensend,particularlyquestions,oftenmeanthatthechildis
copingwithadeeperproblem.ActiveListeningprovidesparentswithawayofmovingin,and
offeringtohelpthechilddefinetheproblemforthemself,andstartstheprocessofproblemsolving
withinthechild.Iftheparentgivesdirectanswerstothesefeelingscodedasquestions,insteadofthe
parentusingActiveListening,theparentwillalmostinvariablyhavemissedanopportunitytobean
effectivecounselorontherealproblemthechildisgrapplingwith.
Parents,whentheyarefirsttryingoutActiveListening,oftendonotrealise,orforget,thatitisaskill
thatalsohastremendousvalueinrespondingtochildren'sintellectualproblems.Childrencontinually
encounterproblemsastheystrivetomakesenseoutofwhattheyread,orhear,abouttheworld
aroundthem,includingissueslikeracism,policebrutality,war,ethniccleansing,ozonelayer
depletion,divorce,gangs,andsoon.
Whatthrowsparentsoffsofrequentlyisthatkidsgenerallystatetheirviewsverystrongly,orinways
thatmakeparentsshudderatthechildren'sapparentnaiveteorimmaturity.ThetemptationisforMom
andDadistojumpin,andstraightenthekidsout,orshowthemthebroaderpicture.
Parents'motivationcanbehonorable,andtheymaywanttocontributetotheirchildren'sintellectual
development.Ortheparents'motivationmightbeselfcentered,iftheywanttodemonstratetheirown
superiorintellectualabilities.Butineithercase,ifparentsjumpinwithoneormoreoftheroadblocks,
insteadofActiveListening,theybringontheinevitableeffectoftuningthekidsout,orofstartinga
verbalbattlethatendsupinhurtfeelings,andcuttingremarks.
Wehavefoundthatwehavetoaskourparentsintraining,someratherpenetratingquestions,toget
themtoconsiderusingActiveListening,whenevertheirkidsarecopingwithideas,orcurrentissues,
orwheneverthechildrenaredealingwithmorepersonalproblems.Weasktheparents:
"Doesyourchildhavetothinklikeyou?"
"Whydoyouhaveaneedtoteachyourchild?"
"Canyoutolerateanopinionthatisverymuchdifferentfromyourown?"
"Canyouhelpyourchildcometotheirownwayoflookingatthiscomplexworld?"
"Canyouallowyourchildtobewherevertheyarewithintheirgrapplingoveranissue?"
"Canyourememberhowyou,asakid,hadsomeprettyweirdideasaboutworldproblems?"
Whenparentscomplainthattheirkidsnevertalkaboutseriousproblemsathome,itusuallyturnsout
thatsuchproblemshadbeententativelytossedoutatthetablebytheirkids,butthentheparentsused
thetraditionalroadblocksofadmonishing,preaching,moralizing,teaching,evaluating,judging,
sarcasm,ordiverting.Kidsslowlystarttopulldownacurtainthatwillforeverseparatethemfrom
theirparents.Thatisprevalentinsomanyfamilies,becauseparentsdonotactivelylisten.Itisno
wonderthatthereissuchalienationbetweenparents,andthedevelopingmindsoftheirchildren.
Afterparentsinourclassesbegintobitetheirtongues,andopentheirears,theyreportmarkedly
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positivechangesindinnertableconversations.Theirkidsstarttobringupproblemsandissues,that
previouslywereneversharedwiththeparents,suchaswithdrugs,sex,abortion,alcohol,morality,
andsoon.ActiveListeningcanworkwonders,inmakingthehomeaplacewhereparentsandtheir
childrencanjoin,indeep,penetratingdiscussionsofthecomplex,criticalproblemskidsarefacing.
Commonmistakesinusingactivelistening
ParentsgenerallydonotfinditdifficulttounderstandwhatActiveListeningis,andhowitdiffers
fromthe12CommunicationRoadblocks.Also,itisarareparentwhodoesnotrecognizethepotential
benefitsthatcanbederivedfromusingActiveListeningwithchildren.However,someparentshave
moretroublethanothersinapplyingthisskillsuccessfully.Aswithanynewskillsomeoneistryingto
learn,mistakesaremade,eitherbecauseoflackofcompetence,orbecausetheskillisused
inappropriately.Wewillnextpointoutsomeofthesemistakes,inthehopethatitwillhelpparents
avoidthem.
ManipulatingChildrenThrough"Guidance"
SomeparentsfailwhenfirstbeginningtouseActiveListening,simplybecausetheirintentionsare
inappropriate.TheywanttouseActiveListeningtomanipulatetheirchildrenintobehaving,or
thinking,thewaytheparentsbelievethechildrenshould.
Mrs.JwalkedintothefourthsessionofaP.E.T.class,andcouldnotwaittoexpressher
disappointmentandresentment,aboutherfirstexperiencewithActiveListening.Shesaid,"Why,my
sonjuststaredatmeandsaidnothing.YoutoldusActiveListeningwouldencouragekidstotalkto
us.Well,itdidnot,inmycase."
Whentheinstructoraskedifshewouldliketotelltheclasswhathappened,Mrs.Jexplained,"James,
agedsixteen,camehomefromschool,andheannouncedthathehadbeentoldhewasflunkingtwo
courses.Iimmediatelytriedtoencouragehimtotalk,byusingmynewfoundskill.Jamesclammed
upandeventuallywalkedawayfromme."
TheinstructorthensuggestedthatheplaytheroleofJames,andthatheandMrs.Jwouldtryto
reenactthescene.Mrs.Jagreed,althoughshewarnedtheclassthattheinstructorcouldprobably
neverbeasuncommunicativeinhisrole,ashersongenerallyisathome.Notethemother'sresponses,
astheinstructorplayestheroleofJames.
Theinstructorbeginsbysaying,"Wow!Igotburnedtoday.TwofailurewarningsoneinMath,and
theotherinEnglish."
Mrs.Jsays,"Youareupset."
Theinstructorreplies,"OfcourseIamupset."
Mrs.Jsays,"Youaredisappointed."
Theinstructorreplies,"Thatisputtingitmildly.ItmeansIwillnotgraduate,thatisall.Like...Ihave
hadit."
Mrs.Jrespondsbysaying,"Youfeelthere'snothingyoucandoaboutit,becauseyoudidnotstudy
enough."
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Withthatresponse,themotherhassentherownmessage.Sheisgivingheranalysis,anddiagnosis.
Theinstructorhears,andacknowledgesthemother'sresponsebycounteringwith,"Youmeanstart
studyingmore?"
MrsJsays,"Yes.Itiscertainlynottoolate,isit?"
Again,themotherhasinsertedherownmessage.Thistime,shewasofferingasolution.
Theinstructorreplies,saying,"What?Studythatjunk?WhyshouldI?Itisabunchofcrap!
Andsoitwent.JameshadbeenbackedintoacornerbyMrs.J,who,undertheguiseofusingActive
Listening,wastryingtomanipulateJamesintoacrashplanofintensivestudy.Jamesfeltthreatened
byhismother,buthewouldnotbuyintoit,andhebecamedefensive.
Mrs.J,likemanyparentsnewtoActiveListening,latchedontoit,becauseshesawitasanew
techniqueformanipulatingchildren.Itseemedtobeasubtlewayofinfluencingchildrentodowhat
theparentthinkstheyshoulddo,andtoguidethechild'sbehaviororthinking.
Shouldparentsnottrytoguidetheirchildren?Isnotguidanceoneofparents'principal
responsibilities?While"parentalguidance"isoneofthemostuniversallysanctionedfunctionsfor
parents,itisalsoonethatismostmisunderstood.Toguidemeanstosteerinsomedirection.Italso
impliesthatthehandoftheparentisonthesteeringwheel.Invariably,whenparentsgrabthesteering
wheelandtrytoguidethechildinsomespecificdirection,theygetresistance.
Childrenarequicktosensetheparents'intentions.Theyimmediatelyrecognizethatparentalguidance
usuallymeanslackofacceptanceofthechildassheis.Thechildfeelstheparentistryingtodo
somethingtoher.Sheisfearfulofsuchindirectcontrol.Herindependenceisthreatened.
ActiveListeningisnotaguidancetechniquetowardparentdirectedchange.Parentswhothinkthatit
is,willsendindirectmessages:theparent'sbiases,ideas,subtlepressures.Herearesomeexamplesof
parents'messagescreepingintoresponsestotheirchildren'scommunications:
GINNY:IammadatHollyandIdonotwanttoplaywithheranymore.
PARENT:Youdonotfeellikeplayingwithhertodaybecauseyouarealittleupsetwithherright
now.
GINNY:Idonoteverwanttoplaywithhernever!
Notehowtheparentslippedinherownmessage:"Ihopethisisonlytemporaryandtomorrowyou
willnotbemadather."Ginnysensedtheparent'sdesiretochangeher,andinthesecondmessage
stronglycorrectedher.
Hereisanotherexample:
Child:Whatissowrongaboutsmokingmarijuana?Itdoesnotharmyoulikecigarettesoralcohol.I
thinkitiswrongtomakeitillegal.Theyoughttochangethelaw.
PARENT:Youfeelthatthelawshouldbechangedsomoreandmorekidscangetintotrouble.
Obviously,theparent'sfeedbackisanattempttodissuadethechildfromthinkingashedoesabout
marijuana.Nowonderherfeedbackturnsouttobeinaccurate,foritcontainsherownmessagetothe
childasopposedtoreflectingaccuratelyonlywhatthechildiscommunicatingtoher.Anaccurate
feedbackwouldhavebeensomethinglike:
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"You'reconvincedtheyoughttolegalizemarijuana,isthatright?"
OpeningtheDoor,ThenSlammingItShut
WhentheyfirsttryActiveListening,someparentsstarttouseittoopenthedoorfortheirchildrento
communicate,butthentheyslamthedoorshutbecausetheydonotkeepuptheActiveListeninglong
enoughtohearthechildoutcompletely.Itislikesaying,"Comeon,tellmewhatyoufeel,Iwill
understand."Then,whentheparenthearswhatthechildfeels,shequicklyshutsthedoorbecauseshe
doesn'tlikewhatshehears.
Kyle,agesix,islookingdowninthemouth,andhismothermovesintohelp:
MOTHER:Youlooklikeyouareunhappy.[ACTIVELISTENING.]
KYLE:Frankiepushedme.
MOTHER:Youdidn'tlikethat.[ACTIVELISTENING].
KYLE:No.I'mgoingtobusthimrightinthemouth.
MOTHER:Now,thatwouldn'tbeanicethingtodo.[EVALUATING.]
KYLE:Idon'tcare.I'dliketopunchhimlikethis
Kyleswingshisarmhard,makingapunchingmotion.
MOTHER:Kyle,fightingisneveragoodwaytosolveconflictswithyourfriends.[MORALIZING.]
MOTHER:Whydon'tyougobackandtellhimyou'dliketomakeup?[ADVISING,OFFERING
SOLUTIONS.]
KYLE:Areyoukidding?
ThedoorwasslammedshutinKyle'sface,sonomorecommunicating.Byevaluating,moralizing,
andadvising,thisparenthaslostthechancetohelpKyleworkthroughhisfeelingsandarriveatsome
constructivesolutiontohisproblemonhisown.Kylealsolearnedthathismotherdoesnottrusthim
tosolvesuchproblems,thatshecannotaccepthisangryfeelings,thatshethinksheisnotaniceboy,
andthatparentsjustdon'tseemtounderstand.
ThereisnobetterwaytoinsurethefailureofActiveListeningthantouseittoencourageachildto
expresshistruefeelings,andthenmoveinwithevaluation,judgment,moralizing,andadvice.Parents
whodothisquicklydiscoverthattheirchildrenbecomesuspiciousandlearnthattheparentsonlytry
todrawthemoutsotheycanthenturnaroundandusewhattheyheartoevaluatethemorputthem
down.
The"ParrotingParent"
Mr.T.comestoclassdiscouragedwithhisfirsteffortstouseActiveListening."Mysonlookedatme
funnyandtoldmetostoprepeatingwhathewassaying."Mr.T.wasreportinganexperiencethat
manyparentshavewhentheysimplymirrorbackor"parrot"theirchildren'sfacts,ratherthan
feelings.Theseparentsneedtoberemindedthatthechild'swords(herparticularcode)aremerelythe
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vehicleforcommunicatingfeelings.Thecodeisnotthemessageitmustbedecodedbytheparent.
Thechildsaysangrilytoherfather,"You'reamean,smellyrat."
Obviously,thechildknowsthedifferencebetweenaratandherfather,sohermessageisnot,"Dad,
youarearat."Thisparticularcodeismerelythechild'suniquewayofcommunicatingheranger.
Ifthefatherweretorespondwith,"YouthinkI'marat,"thechildwouldhardlyfeelthatshehad
gottenherpointacross.Ifthefatherhadsaid,"You'rereallyangryatme,"thechildwouldhavesaid"I
suream,"andshewouldhavefeltthatshehadbeenunderstood.
Thefollowingthreeexamplesshowthecontrastsbetweenresponsesthatmerelyparrotthecodeand
thosewheretheparentfirstdecodes,thenfeedsbackthechild'sinnerfeeling(thetruemessageheor
sheiscommunicating):
BRADLEY:Inevergetachancetogettheballwhenthebiggerkidsareplaying.
PARENT:[PARROTINGTHECODE.]Younevergetachancetogettheballwithbigkids.
PARENT:[FEEDINGBACKTHEMEANING.]Youwanttoplaytoo,andyoufeelit'snotfairfor
themtoleaveyouout.
LARISSA:ForawhileIwasdoinggood,butnowIamworsethanever.NothingIdoseemstohelp.
Whatistheuseoftrying?
PARENT:[PARROTINGTHECODE.]You'redoingworsethanevernowandnothingyoudohelps.
PARENT:[FEEDINGBACKTHEMEANING.]You'resurediscouragedanditmakesyouwantto
giveup.
SAM:Look,Daddy,Imadeanairplanewithmynewtools!
PARENT:[PARROTINGTHECODE.]Youmadeanairplanewithyourtools.
PARENT:[FEEDINGBACKTHEMEANING.]You'rereallyproudoftheairplaneyoumade.
IttakespracticeforparentstolearnaccurateActiveListening.ButinourP.E.T.classeswefindthat
mostparentswhoreceivecoachingandparticipateinskilltrainingexercisesacquireasurprisingly
highlevelofcompetenceinthisart.
ListeningWithoutEmpathy
ArealdangerforparentswhotrytolearnActiveListeningsolelyfromabook'sprintedpageistheir
inabilitytohearthewarmthandempathythatmustaccompanytheirefforts.Empathymeansaquality
ofcommunicationthatconveystothesenderofamessagethatthelistenerisfeelingwithher,putting
herselfintheshoesofthesender,living,foramoment,insidethesender.
Everyonewantsotherstounderstandhowshefeelswhenshetalks,notjustwhatsheissaying.
Children,especially,arefeelingpeople.Therefore,muchofwhattheycommunicateisaccompanied
byfeelings:joy,hate,disappointment,fear,love,worry,anger,pride,frustration,sadness,andsoon.
Whentheycommunicatewithparents,theyexpectempathywithsuchfeelings.Whenparentsdon't
empathize,childrennaturallyfeelthattheessentialpartofthematthatmomenttheirfeelingisnot
beingunderstood.
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Probably,themostcommonmistakeparentsmakewhentheyfirsttryoutActiveListeningistofeed
backaresponsedevoidofthefeelingcomponentofthechild'smessage.
Rebecca,agedeleven,runsintotheyardwherehermotherisworking,andcomplainsabouthernine
yearoldbrotherScott:
REBECCA:Scottisapest.He'smean!Mom,hepullsallmyclothesoutofthedrawers.Ihatehim.I
couldkillhimwhenhedoesthat!
MOTHER:Youdon'tlikeforhimtodothat.
REBECCA:Don'tlikeit!Ihateit!AndIhatehim!
Rebecca'smotherheardherwords,butnotherfeelings.Asofthatparticularmoment,Rebeccais
feelingangryandhateful."YoureallyaresoreatScott"wouldhavecaughtherfeelings.When
MothercoldlyfeedsbackonlyRebecca'sdispleasurewithhavingherdresserdrawersemptied,
Rebeccafeelsmisunderstoodandinhernextmessagehastocorrecthermotherwith,"Don'tlikeit!
[That'sputtingitmildly],"and,"AndIhatehim[That'swhat'smoreimportant]."
LittleCarey,agedsix,pleadswithhisfather,whohasbeentryingtoencouragehimtocomeintothe
waterwhilethefamilyisenjoyingadayatthebeach:
CAREY:Idon'twanttogoin.It'stoodeep!AndI'mafraidofthewaves.
FATHER:Thewateristoodeepforyou.
CAREY:I'mscared!Pleasedon'tmakemegoin!
Thisfatheriscompletelymissingthechild'sfeelings,andhisattemptatfeedbackshowsit.Careyis
notsendinganintellectualevaluationofthedepthofthewater.Heissendinganurgentpleatohis
father:"Don'tmakemecomeinbecauseI'mscaredstiff!"Thefathershouldhaveacknowledgedthis
with,"You'rescaredanddon'twantmetoforceyouintothewater."
Someparentsfindouttheyareveryuncomfortablewithfeelingstheirownaswellastheirchild's.It
isasiftheyarecompelledtoignoreachild'sfeelingsbecausetheycannottolerateherhavingthem.
Ortheywantquicklytopushherfeelingsoutofthepicture,andthereforedeliberatelyavoid
acknowledgingthem.Someparentsaresofrightenedoffeelingsthattheyactuallyfailtodetectthem
intheirchild'smessages.
Suchparentsusuallylearninourclassesthatchildren(andadults)inevitablydofeel.Feelingsarean
essentialpartofliving,notsomethingpathologicalordangerous.Oursystemalsoshowsthatfeelings
aregenerallytransitorytheycomeandgo,leavingnopermanentdamagetothechild.Thekeyto
theirgoing,however,isparentalacceptanceandacknowledgment,transmittedtothechildby
empathicActiveListening.Whenparentslearntodothis,theyreporttoushowquicklyevenintense
negativefeelingsaredissipated.
HenryandAmy,youngparentsoftwodaughters,broughtbacktoclassanincidentthatgreatly
reinforcedtheirfaithinthepowerofActiveListening.Bothhadbeenraisedinstronglyreligious
homes.Theirparentshadtaughttheminahundreddifferentwaysthatexpressingfeelingswasasign
ofweaknessandnotwhata"Christian"everdoes.HenryandAmylearned:"It'sasintohate!""Love
thyneighbor!""Holdyourtongue,younglady!""Whenyoucanspeakcivillytoyourmother,you
maycomebacktothedinnertable!"
Trainedinchildhoodwithsuchdictums,HenryandAmyfounditdifficultasparentstoaccepttheir
children'sfeelingsandtuneintothefrequentemotionalcommunicationfromtheirtwogirls.P.E.T.
wasaneyeopener.Atfirst,theybegantoaccepttheexistenceoffeelingsintheirownrelationship.
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Thentheystartedcommunicatingtheirownfeelingstoeachother,helpedbyeachActiveListeningto
theother.
Findingthisnewhonestyandintimacyrewarding,HenryandAmyhadgainedenoughconfidenceto
startlisteningtotheirtwopreadolescentgirls.Withinmonths,thetwogirlschangedfrombeing
quiet,introverted,andrepressedtobeingexpressive,spontaneous,extroverted,communicative,and
fulloffun.Feelingsbecameanacceptedpartoflivinginthisliberatedfamilyenvironment.
"It'ssomuchmorefunnow,"Henryreports."Wedonothavetofeelguiltyabouthavingfeelings.
Andthekidsaremoreopenandhonestwithusnow."
ActiveListeningattheWrongTimes
UnsuccessfulexperiencesofparentswhofirsttryActiveListeningoftenoccurbecauseparentsuseit
atinappropriatetimes.Aswithanygoodthing,ActiveListeningcanbeoverdone.
Therearetimeswhenkidsdon'twanttotalkabouttheirfeelings,eventotwoempathicears.They
maywanttolivewiththeirfeelingsforawhile.Theymayfindittoopainfulatthemomenttotalk.
Theymaynothavethetimetoenterintoalengthycatharticsessionwithaparent.Parentsshould
respectthechild'sneedforprivacyinherworldoffeelingsandnottrytopushhertotalk.
NomatterhowgoodadooropenerActiveListeningis,kidsoftendon'twanttowalkthrough.One
mothertoldhowherdaughterfoundawaytotellherwhenshedidnotfeelliketalking:"Knockitoff!
Iknowitmighthelptotalk,butIjustdon'tfeellikeitnow.So,please,noActiveListeningrightnow,
Mother."
SometimesparentsopenthedoorwithActiveListeningwhentheylacktimetostickaroundandhear
allthefeelingsbottledupwithinthechild.Suchhitandruntacticsarenotonlyunfairtothechild,but
hurttherelationship.Thechildwillcometofeelherparentsdonotcareenoughtohearherout.We
tellparents:"Don'tstartActiveListeningunlessyouhavethetimetohearallofthefeelingsthisskill
sooftenreleases."
SomeparentshaveexperiencedresistancebecausetheyusedActiveListeningwhenachildneeds
differenthelp.Whenachildislegitimatelyaskingforinformation,forahelpinghand,orforsome
specialresourceoftheparent,shemayhavenoneedtotalkoutorworkthroughsomething.
ParentssometimesgrowsoenamoredofActiveListeningthattheyemployitwhenthechilddoesnot
needtobe"drawnout"orencouragedtogetintouchwithherdeeperfeelings:Itwillbeobvioushow
inappropriateActiveListeningisinthefollowingtheoreticalsituations:
CHILD:Hey,Mom,canyougivemearidedowntownSaturday?I'vegottodosomeshopping.
PARENT:You'dlikearidedowntownSaturday.
CHILD:WhattimeareyouandMomcominghome?
PARENT:Youarereallypuzzledastowhenwearecominghome?
CHILD:HowmuchwillIhavetopayforinsuranceifIbuymyowncar?
PARENT:You'reworriedaboutthecostofyourinsurance.
Thesechildrenprobablydonotneedtobeencouragedtocommunicatemore.Theyareaskingfora
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specifickindofhelpthatisquitedifferentfromthehelpthatActiveListeningprovides.Theyarenot
transmittingfeelings.Theyareaskingforfactualinformation.Torespondtosuchrequestswith
ActiveListeningwillnotonlyseemstrangetothechilditwilloftenproducefrustrationandirritation.
Thesearetimeswhenadirectansweriswhatiswantedandcalledfor.
ParentsalsodiscoverthattheirchildrenbecomeperturbedwhentheparentcontinuestotryActive
Listeninglongafterthechildisfinishedsendingmessages.Parentsneedtoknowwhentoquit.
Generally,clueswillbeforthcomingfromthechildafacialexpression,gettinguptoleave,silence,
beingfidgety,lookingatherwatch,andsoonorthechildmaysaysuchthingsas:
"Well,Iguessthatisaboutit."
"Idonothavetimetotalkanymore."
"Iseethingskindadifferentnow."
"Maybethatisenoughfornow."
"Igotalotofstudyingtonight."
"Well,Iamtakingalotofyourtime."
Wiseparentsbackoffwhentheygetthesecluesormessages,eventhoughitdoesnotseemtothem
thattheparticularproblemhasbeensolvedbythechild.Asprofessionaltherapistsrealize,Active
Listeningonlystartschildrenonthefirststepofproblemsolvinggettingthefeelingsoutandthe
problemdefined.Frequently,thechildrenthemselvestakeitfromthere,eventuallywindingupwitha
solutionontheirown.
Chapter5HowtoListentoKidsTooYoung
toTalkMuch.
Version2013.04.04
Manyparentsask:"WhileIseeActiveListeningcanworkwonderswithchildrenthreeandfouryears
oldandolder,whatcanwedowithinfantsandtoddlerswhodon'ttalk?"
Or,"Iseehowwemustrelymuchmoreonourchildren'sinnercapacitiestoworkthroughtheirown
problemshelpedbyActiveListening.Butyoungerchildrendon'thaveproblemsolvingskills,sodon't
wehavetosolvemostoftheirproblemsforthem?"
ItisamisperceptionthatActiveListeningisusefulonlyforchildrenoldenoughtotalk.Usingactive
listeningwithyoungerchildrendoesrequiresomeadditionalunderstandingaboutnonverbal
communicationandhowparentscaneffectivelyrespondtothenonverbalmessagesyoungerchildren
sendthem.Furthermore,parentsofveryyoungchildrenoftenthinkthatjustbecausethesechildren
aredependentonadultsformanyoftheirneeds,infantsandtoddlershaveverylittlecapacitytowork
outtheirownsolutionstoproblemstheyencounterearlyinlife.
This,too,justisnotso.
WhatAreInfantsLike?
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First,infantshaveneedslikeolderchildrenandadults.Andtheyhavetheirshareofproblemsgetting
thoseneedsmet.Theygetcold,hungry,uncomfortablywet,tired,thirsty,frustrated,sick.Helping
infantswithsuchproblemsposessomespecialproblemsforparents.
Second,infantsandveryyoungchildrenareextremelydependentupontheirparentsforthe
gratificationoftheirneedsorforprovidingthemsolutionstotheirproblems.Theirinnerresources
andcapabilitiesarelimited.Ahungryinfanthasneverbeenknowntowalkintothekitchen,openthe
refrigerator,andpourhimselfaglassofmilk.
Third,infantsandveryyoungchildrendonothaveawelldevelopedcapabilityofcommunicating
theirneedsthroughverbalsymbols.Theydonotyethavethelanguagetosharetheirproblemsand
needswithothers.Muchofthetime,parentsarequiteperplexedaboutwhatisgoingoninsidepre
verbalchildren,becausebabiesdon'tgoaroundclearlyannouncingthattheyhaveaneedforaffection
orforreleasinggasfromtheirstomach.
Fourth,infantsandveryyoungchildrenfrequentlymaynoteven"know"themselveswhatisbothering
them.Thisisbecausesomanyoftheirneedsarephysiologicalthatis,problemscausedby
deprivationoftheirphysicalneeds(hunger,thirst,pain,andsoon).Also,becauseoftheir
undevelopedcognitiveandlanguageskills,theymaynotbeabletofigureoutwhatproblemstheyare
experiencing.
Helpingveryyoungchildrenmeettheirneedsandsolvetheirproblemsisthereforesomewhat
differentfromhelpingolderchildren.Butnotasdifferentasmostparentsthink.
TuningIntoNeedsandProblemsofInfants
Muchasparentsmightwishthatinfantswouldresourcefullymeettheirownneedsandsolvetheir
ownproblems,itisfrequentlyuptoaparenttoseethatlittleNickygetsenoughtoeat,isdry,stays
warm,getsaffection,andthelike.Theproblemis:howdoestheparentfindoutwhatisbotheringa
fussy,whininginfant?
Mostparents"gobythebook"whattheparenthasreadabouttheneeds,ofinfantsingeneral.No
doubtDr.BenjaminSpockhasbeenagreatboontoparentsbyprovidingthemwithinformationabout
infantsandtheirneedsandthingsparentscandotoinsurethattheseneedsaregratified.Yet,asany
parentknows,noteverythingiscoveredbyDr.Spock.Tobeeffectiveinhelpingaparticularchild
withhisownuniqueneedsandproblems,aparentisobligedtoacquireanunderstandingofthatchild.
Hedoesthischieflythroughaccuratelisteningtohischild'smessages,nonverbalthoughtheymaybe.
Averyyoungchild'sparentmustlearntolistenaccuratelyjustasmuchasparentsofolderchildren.It
isadifferentkindoflistening,principallybecauseinfantscommunicatenonverbally.
Aninfantstartscryingat5:3oA.M.Obviously,hehasaproblemsomethingiswrong,hehasaneed,
hewantssomething.Hecannotsendaverbalmessagetotheparent,"Ifeelveryuncomfortableand
upset."Therefore,theparentcannotuseActiveListeningaswehavepreviouslydescribedit("You
feeluncomfortable,youarebotheredbysomething").Thechildobviouslywouldnotunderstand.
Theparentdoesgetanonverbalmessage(crying)andhemustgothroughtheprocessof"decoding"it
ifheistofindoutwhatisgoingoninsidethechild.Becausetheparentcannotutilizeverbalfeedback
tocheckontheaccuracyofhisdecoding,hemustuseanonverbalorbehavioralfeedbackmethod.
Theparentmightfirstthrowablanketoverthechild(decodingthechild'scryingas"Heisfeeling
cold").Butthechildkeepsoncrying("Youhavenotyetunderstoodmymessage").Thentheparent
picksthechildupandrockshim(Nowdecoding,"Heisscaredbyadream").Thechildcontinuesto
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cry("That'snotwhatIamfeeling').Finally,theparentputsabottleofmilkintheinfant'smouth("He
isfeelinghungry")andafterafewsucksthechildstopscrying.("That'swhatImeantIwasfeeling
hungryyoufinallyunderstoodme.")
Beinganeffectiveparentofaveryyoungchild,aswithanolderchild,dependstoagreatextentupon
theaccuracyofcommunicationbetweenparentandchild.Andtheprincipalresponsibilityfor
developingaccuratecommunicationinthisrelationshiprestswiththeparent.Hemustlearntodecode
accuratelythenonverbalbehavioroftheinfantbeforemakingadeterminationofwhatisbothering
him.Hemustalsoutilizethesamefeedbackprocessforthepurposeofcheckingontheaccuracyof
hisdecoding.ThisfeedbackprocessalsocanbecalledActiveListeningitisthesamemechanismwe
describedinthecommunicationprocesswithmoreverbalchildren.Butwithachildwhosendsa
nonverbalmessage(crying),theparentmustuseanonverbalfeedback(bottleinthemouth).
Thisnecessityforthiskindofeffectivetwowaycommunicationpartiallyexplainswhyitissocritical
inthefirsttwoyearsofachild'slifeforhisparentstospendalotoftimewithhim.Aparentgetsto
"know"hischildbetterthananyoneelsethatis,theparentdevelopsskillindecodingtheinfant's
nonverbalbehaviorandhencebecomesmoreablethananyoneelsetoknowwhattodotosatisfythe
child'sneedsorprovidesolutionstohisproblems.
Everyonehashadtheexperienceofbeingunabletodecodethebehaviorofafriend'schild.Weask,
"Whatdoeshemeanwhenherattlestheslatsoftheplaypen?Hemustwantsomething."Themother
replies,"Oh,healwaysdoesthatwhenheisgettingsleepy.Ourfirstchildtuggedathisblanketwhen
hegotsleepy."
UsingActiveListeningtoHelpInfants
ToomanyparentsofinfantsdonotbothertouseActiveListeningtocheckontheaccuracyoftheir
decodingprocess.Theyjumpinandtakesomekindofactiontohelpthechildwithoutfindingout
whatisreallybotheringhim.
Michaelstandsupinhiscribandbeginstowhimper,thentocryloudly.Mothersetshimbackdown
andhandshimhisrattle.Michaelstopscryingforamoment,thenknockstherattleoutofthecriband
ontothefloor,andbeginstocryevenmoreloudly.Motherpicksuptherattleandfirmlyputsitinto
Michael'shand,sayingharshly,"Ifyouthrowitoutagain,youwon'tgetitback."Michaelkeeps
cryingandagainknockstherattleoutofthecrib.Motherslapshishand.Michaelreallyhowlsnow.
Thismothermadeanassumptionthatsheknewwhatthebabyneeded,butshefailedto"hear"the
baby"tell"herthatherdecodingwasinaccurate.Aswithmanyparents,thismotherdidnotkeepatit
longenoughtocompletethecommunicationprocess.Shedidnotmakecertainthatsheunderstood
whatthechildneededorwanted.Thechildremainedfrustratedandthemotherbecameangry.Inthis
wayaresowntheseedsofadeterioratingrelationshipandanemotionallyunhealthychild.
Obviously,theyoungerthechild,thelesstheparentcanbankonthechild'sownresourcesor
capabilities.Thismeansthatmoreparentintervention(orinputs)willberequiredintheproblem
solvingprocessofyoungerchildren.
Everybodyknowsthatparentshavetopreparetheformula,changethediapers,coverthechildup,
disentanglehimfromhisblanket,movehim,raisehim,rockhim,cuddlehim,andthethousandsof
otherthingsnecessarytoseetoitthathisneedsarenotbeingthwarted.Again,thismeanstimewith
thechildandlotsofit.Thoseearlyyearsrequirethealmostconstantpresenceoftheparent.The
infantneedshisparents,andneedsthemdesperately.Thisiswhypediatricianssostronglyinsiston
parentsbeingaroundduringthosefirstfewformativeyearswhenthechildissoveryhelplessand
dependent.
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Yetbeingaroundisnotenoughinitself.Thecriticalfactoristheparent'seffectivenessinlistening
accuratelytothenonverbalcommunicationofthechildsothatheunderstandswhatisgoingoninside
andcaneffectivelygivethechildwhatheneedswhenheneedsit.
Failureofmanychildrearingspecialiststounderstandthishasresultedinagreatdealofpoor
researchandsomeincorrectinterpretationsofresearchfindingsinthefieldofchilddevelopment.
Numerousresearchstudieshavebeenlaunchedtodemonstratethesuperiorityofonemethodversus
anotherbottlefeedingversusbreast,demandfeedingversusscheduled,earlytoilettrainingversus
late,earlyweaningversuslate,strictnessversusleniency.Forthemostpart,thesestudieshavefailed
totakeintoaccountthewidedifferencesintheneedsofvariouschildrenandtheextremedifferences
amongparentsintheireffectivenessinreceivingtheirchildren'scommunications.
Whetherachildisweanedearlyorlate,forexample,maynotbetheimportantfactorininfluencing
hislaterpersonalityormentalhealth.Ratheritiswhetherhisparentlistensaccuratelytothemessages
thatparticularchildissendingeverydayabouthisparticulareatingneeds,sothattheparentcanthen
havetheflexibilitytomoveinwithsolutionsthattrulysatisfyhisneeds.Accuratelistening,then,may
resultinweaningonechildlate,anotherearly,andperhapsathirdchildsomewhereinbetween.I
stronglybelievethesameprincipleappliestomostofthechildrearingpracticesaboutwhichthere
hasbeensomuchcontroversyfeeding,amountofcuddling,degreeofmaternalseparation,sleeping,
toilettraining,sucking,andsoon.Ifthisprincipleisvalid,thenweshouldsaytoparents:
"Youwillbethemosteffectiveparentbyprovidingyourinfantwithahomeclimateinwhichyouwill
knowhowtogratifyhisneedsappropriatelybyusingActiveListeningtounderstandthemessages
thatannouncespecificallywhathisuniqueneedsare."
GivetheChildaChancetoMeetHisNeedsHimself
Certainlytheultimategoalofmostparentsshouldbetohelptheveryyoungchildgraduallydevelop
hisownresourcestobecomeweanedawayfromdependenceontheparent'sresources,moreand
morecapableofmeetinghisownneeds,solvinghisownproblems.Theparentwhowillbemost
effectiveinthisistheonewhocanconsistentlyfollowtheprincipleoffirstgivingthechildachance
tosolvehisproblemshimselfbeforejumpinginwithaparentalsolution.
Inthefollowingillustration,theparentfollowsthisprinciplequiteeffectively:
CHILD(crying):Truck,trucknotruck.
PARENT:Youwantyourtruck,butyoucan'tfindit.[ACTIVELISTENING.]
CHILD:(Looksundersofa,butdoesn'tfindtruck.)
PARENT:Thetruck'snotthere.[FEEDINGBACKNONVERBALMESSAGE.]
CHILD:(Runsintohisroom,looks,can'tfindit.)
PARENT:Thetruck'snotthere.[FEEDINGBACKNONVERBALMESSAGE.]
CHILD:(Thinksmovestobackdoor.)
PARENT:Maybethetruck'sinthebackyard.[FEEDINGBACKNONVERBALMESSAGE.]
CHILD(runsout,findstruckinsandbox,looksproud):Truck!
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PARENT:Youfoundyourtruckyourself.[ACTIVELISTENING.]
Thisparentkepttheresponsibilityforsolvingtheproblemwiththechildatalltimesbyavoiding
directinterventionoradvice.Bydoingso,theparentishelpingthechilddevelopandusehisown
resources.
Manyparentsarefartooeagertotakeovertheirchild'sproblems.Theyaresoanxioustohelpthe
childorsouncomfortable(nonaccepting)ofhisexperiencinganunfulfilledneedthattheyare
compelledtotakeovertheproblemsolvingandgivethechildaquicksolution.Ifthisisdone
frequently,itisasurewayofretardingthechild'slearninghowtousehisownresourcesandhis
developingindependenceandresourcefulness.
Chapter6HowtoTalkSoKidswillListento
You.
Version2013.11.10
FrequentlywhenparentslearnActiveListeninginourclasses,aparentbecomesimpatientandasks,
"Whendowelearnhowtogetthekidstolistentous?That'stheprobleminourhome."
Undoubtedlythatistheprobleminmanyhomes,forchildreninevitablyannoy,disturb,andfrustrate
parentsattimestheycanbethoughtlessandinconsiderateastheygoabouttryingtomeettheirown
needs.Likesmallpuppies,kidscanbeboisterousanddestructive,noisyanddemanding.Asevery
parentknows,childrencancauseextrawork,delayyouwhenyouareinahurry,pesteryouwhenyou
aretired,talkwhenyouwantquiet,makehugemesses,neglecttheirchores,callyounames,stayout
toolate,andsoonadinfinitum.
Mothersaridfathersneedeffectivewaystodealwithchildren'sbehaviorthatinterfereswiththe
parents'needs.
Afterall,parentsdohaveneeds.Theyhavetheirownlivestolive,andtherighttoderiveenjoyment
andsatisfactionfromtheirexistence.Yet,manyparentshaveallowedtheirchildrentobeinafavored
positioninthefamily.Thesechildrendemandthattheirneedsaremetbuttheyareinconsiderateof
theneedsoftheirparents.
Muchtotheirregret,manyparentsfindthatastheirchildrengetolder,theyactasiftheyareoblivious
totheirparents'needs.Whenparentspermitthistohappen,theirchildrenmovethroughlifeasifitis
aonewaystreetforthecontinuousgratificationoftheirownneeds.Parentsofsuchchildrenusually
becomeembittered,andfeelstrongresentmenttowardtheir"ungrateful,""selfish"kids.
WhenMrs.LloydenrolledinP.E.T.,shewaspuzzledandhurtbecauseherdaughter,Brianna,was
becomingmoreandmoreselfishandinconsiderate.Indulgedbybothparentssinceinfancy,Brianna
contributedverylittletothefamily,yetexpectedherparentstodoeverythingsherequested.Ifshedid
notgetherway,shewouldsayabusivethingsaboutherparents,throwtantrums,orwalkoutofthe
houseandnotreturnforhours.
Mrs.Lloyd,raisedbyherownmothertothinkofconflictorstrongfeelingsassomething"good"
familiesarenotsupposedtoletout,gaveintomostofBrianna'sdemandsinordertoavoidasceneor
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assheputit,"tokeeppeaceandtranquilityinthefamily."AsBriannamovedintoadolescence,she
becameevenmorearrogantandselfcentered,seldomhelpingaroundthehouseandrarelymaking
adjustmentsoutofconsiderationfortheneedsofherparents.
Oftenshetoldherparentsthatitwastheirresponsibilitythatshewasbroughtintotheworldand
thereforetheirdutytotakecareofherneeds.Mrs.Lloyd,aconscientiousparentwhowanted
desperatelytobeagoodmother,wasbeginningtodevelopdeepfeelingsofresentmenttoward
Brianna.AfterallshehaddoneforBrianna,ithurtandangeredhertoseeBrianna'sselfishnessand
lackofconsiderationfortheneedsoftheparents.
"Wedoallthegiving,shedoesallthetaking,"wasthewaythismotherdescribedthefamilysituation.
Mrs.Lloydwascertainshewasdoingsomethingwrong,butshedidnotdreamthatBrianna'sbehavior
wasthedirectresultofthemother'sfearofstandingupforherownrights.P.E.T.firsthelpedher
acceptthelegitimacyofherownneedsandthengaveherspecificskillsforconfrontingBriannawhen
herbehaviorwasunacceptabletoherparents.
Whatcanparentsdowhentheycannotgenuinelyacceptachild'sbehavior?Howcantheygetthe
childtoconsidertheparents'needs?Nowwewillfocusonhowparentscantalktokidssotheywill
listentotheirfeelingsandbeconsiderateoftheirneeds.
Entirelydifferentcommunicationskillsarerequiredwhenthechildcausestheparentaproblemas
opposedtothoseneededwhenthechildcausesherselfaproblem.Inthelattercase,thechild"owns"
theproblemwhenthechildcausestheparentaproblem,theparent"owns"it.Thischapterwillshow
parentswhatskillstheyneedforeffectivenessinsolvingproblemsthattheirchildrencausethem.
WHENTHEPARENTOWNSTHEPROBLEM
Manyparentsinitiallyhavedifficultyunderstandingtheconceptofownershipofproblems.Perhaps
theyaretooaccustomedtothinkintermsofhaving"problemchildren,"whichlocatestheproblem
withinthechild,ratherthantheparent.Itiscriticalthatparentsunderstandthedifference.Thebest
clueforparentscomeswhentheybegintosensetheirowninnerfeelingsofunacceptance,whenthey
begintohaveinnerfeelingsofannoyance,frustration,resentment.Theymayfindthemselves
becomingtense,experiencingdiscomfort,notlikingwhatthechildisdoing,ormonitoringher
behavior.
Suppose:
Achildisoftenlatefordinner.
Achildisinterruptingyourconversationwithafriend.
Achildcallsyouatworkseveraltimeseveryday.
Achildhaslefthistoysonthelivingroomfloor.
Achildappearsaboutreadytotiphismilkoverontotherug.
Achildisdemandingthatyoureadheronemorestory,thenanother,thenanother.
Achildplayshermusictooloudly.
Achildisnotcarryinghisloadofworkaroundthehouse.
Achildusesyourtoolsanddoesnotputthemback.
Achilddrivesyourcartoofast.
Allthesebehaviorsactuallyorpotentiallythreatenlegitimateneedsofparents.Thechild'sbehaviorin
sometangibleordirectwayaffectstheparent:Motherdoesnotwantherdinnerwasted,herrug
soiled,herdiscussioninterrupted,andsoon.
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Confrontedwithsuchbehaviorsasthese,aparentneedswaystohelpherself,notthechild.The
followingcharthelpstoshowthedifferencebetweentheparent'srolewhensheownstheproblem,
andwhenthechilddoes.
Parentshaveseveralalternativeswhentheyowntheproblem:
1.Theycantrytomodifythechilddirectly.
2.Theycantrytomodifytheenvironment.
3.Theycantrytomodifythemselves.
Mr.Adams'son,Jimmy,takeshisfather'stoolsoutofthetoolboxandusuallyleavesthemscattered
overtheyard.ThisisunacceptabletoMr.Adams,soheownsthisproblem.
HecanconfrontJimmy,saysomething,hopingthismightmodifyJimmy'sbehavior.
HecanmodifyJimmy'senvironmentbybuyinghimhisownsetofjuniortools,hopingthiswill
modifyJimmy'sbehavior.
HecantrytomodifyhisownattitudesaboutJimmy'sbehavior,sayingtohimselfthat"boyswillbe
boys"or"he'lllearnpropercareoftoolsintime."
Inthischapter,weshalldealonlywiththefirstalternative,focusingonhowparentscantalkor
confronttheirkidsinordertomodifybehaviorthatisunacceptabletotheparents.Referringtothe
BehaviorWindow,ourfocuswillnowbeonthebottompartwhentheparentownstheproblem.In
laterchapters,wewilldealwiththeothertwoalternatives.
INEFFECTIVEWAYSOFCONFRONTINGCHILDREN
Itisnoexaggerationthatninetynineoutofahundredparentsinourclassesuseineffectivemethods
ofcommunicatingwhentheirchildren'sbehaviorisinterferingwiththeparents'lives.Inaclassthe
instructorreadsaloudatypicalfamilysituationofachildupsettinghisparent:
"Youareverytiredfromafullday'swork.Youneedtositdownandrestforawhile.Youwould
liketotakethistimetowatchtheeveningnews.But,yourfiveyearoldsonkeepspestering
youtoplaywithhim.Hekeepspullingyourarm,gettinguponyourlap,blockingtheTV.
Playingwithhimisthelastthingyoufeellikedoing."
Thentheinstructoraskseverybodytowriteonasheetofpaperexactlywhateachwouldsaytothe
childinthissituation.(Thereadermayparticipateinthisexercisebywritingdownhisorherverbal
response).
Thentheinstructorreadsanothersituationandthenathird,andaskseveryonetowritehisorher
responses.
"Yourtenyearolddaughterplaysonasoftballteam.Youpickherupaftergamesandforthe
lastseveraldaysshehasnotbeenintheareawhereyouagreedtomeet."
"Yourteenagercamehomefromschool,fixedasandwichforherself,andleftthekitchen
counterinabigmessafteryouhadspentanhourcleaningitupsothatitwouldbecleanwhen
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youstartedtogetdinner."
Wediscoverfromthisclassroomexperimentthatparents,withrareexceptions,handletheserather
typicalsituationsineffectively.Theysaythingstothechildthathaveahighprobabilityof:
1.Causingthechildtoresistherparent'sinfluenceeffortsbyrefusingtochangethebehavior
thatisunacceptabletotheparent.
2.Makingthechildfeelherparentdoesnotthinkherverybright.
3.Makingthechildfeelherparenthasnoconsiderationforherneeds.
4.Makingthechildfeelguilty.
5.Tearingdownthechild'sselfesteem.
6.Causingthechildtodefendherselfvigorously.
7.Provokingthechildtoattacktheparentorgetbackatherinsomeway.
Parentsareshockedatthesefindings,becauseitisarareparentwhoconsciouslyintendstodothese
thingstoherchild.Mostparentssimplyhaveneverthoughtabouttheeffectstheirwordscanproduce
ontheirchildren.
Inourclasseswethendescribeeachoftheseineffectivewaysofverballyconfrontingchildrenand
pointoutingreaterdetailwhytheyareineffective.
Sendinga"SolutionMessage"
Haveyoueverbeenjustaboutreadytodosomethingconsiderateforaperson(orinitiatesomechange
inyourbehaviortomeetaperson'sneeds)whenallofasuddenthatpersondirectsyou,exhortsyou,
oradvisesyoutodoexactlywhatyouweregoingtodoonyourown?
Yourreactionwasprobably,"Ididn'tneedtobetold"or"Ifyouhadwaitedaminute,Iwouldhave
donethatwithoutbeingtold."Oryouprobablygotirritatedbecauseyoufeltthattheotherpersondid
nottrustyouenoughortookawaythechanceforyoutodosomethingconsiderateforheronyour
owninitiative.
Whenpeopledothistoyou,theyare"sendingasolution."Thisispreciselywhatparentsoftendowith
children.Theydonotwaitforthechildtoinitiateconsideratebehaviortheytellherwhatshemustor
shouldoroughttodo.Allthefollowingtypesofmessages"sendasolution":
1.ORDERING,DIRECTING,COMMANDING
"Yougofindsomethingtoplaywith."
"Turnthatmusicdown!"
"Behomeby11:00."
"Godoyourhomework."
2.WARNING,ADMONISHING,THREATENING
"Ifyoudon'tstop,I'llscream."
"Motherwillgetangryifyoudon'tgetoutfromundermyfeet."
"Ifyoudon'tgetoutthereandcleanupthatmess,you'regoingtobesorry."
3.EXHORTING,PREACHING,MORALIZING
"Don'teverinterruptapersonwhenshe'stalking."
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"Youshouldn'tactthatway."
"Youshouldn'tplaywhenwe'reinahurry."
"Alwayscleanupafteryourself."
4.ADVISING,GIVINGSUGGESTIONSORSOLUTIONS
"Whydon'tyougooutsideandplay?"
"IfIwereyou,I'djustforgetaboutit."
"Can'tyouputeachthingawayafteryouuseit?"
Thesekindsofverbalresponsescommunicatetothechildyoursolutionforherpreciselywhatyou
thinkshemustdo.Youcalltheshotsyouareincontrolyouaretakingoveryouarecrackingthe
whip.Youareleavingheroutofit.Thefirsttypeofmessageordershertoemployyoursolutionthe
secondthreatensherthethirdexhortsherthefourthadvisesher.
Parentsask,"What'ssowrongwithsendingyoursolutionafterall,isn'tshecausingmeaproblem?"
True,sheis.Butgivingherthesolutiontoyourproblemcanhavetheseeffects:
1.Childrenresistbeingtoldwhattodo.Theyalsomaynotlikeyoursolution.Inanycase,
childrenresisthavingtomodifytheirbehaviorwhentheyaretoldjusthowthey"must"or
"should"or"better"change.
2.Sendingthesolutiontothechildalsocommunicatesanothermessage,"Idon'ttrustyouto
selectyoursolution"or"Idon'tthinkyou'resensitiveenoughtofindawaytohelpmewithmy
problem."
3.Sendingthesolutiontellsthechildthatyourneedsaremoreimportantthanhers,thatshehas
todojustwhatyouthinksheshould,regardlessofherneeds("You'redoingsomething
unacceptabletome,sotheonlysolutioniswhatIsay").
Ifafriendisvisitinginyourhomeandhappenstoputhisfeetonthecushionsofoneofyournew
diningroomchairs,youcertainlywouldnotsaytohim:
"Getyourfeetoffmychairthisminute."
"Youshouldneverputyourfeetonsomebody'snewchair."
"Ifyouknowwhat'sgoodforyou,you'lltakeyourfeetoffmychair."
"Isuggestyoudonoteverputyourfeetonmychair."
Thissoundsridiculousinasituationinvolvingafriendbecausemostpeopletreatfriendswithmore
respect:Adultswanttheirfriendsto"saveface."Theyalsoassumethatafriendhasbrainsenoughto
findhisownsolutiontoyourproblemonceheistoldwhattheproblemis.Anadultwouldsimplytell
thefriendherfeelings.Shewouldleaveituptohimtorespondappropriatelyandassumehewouldbe
considerateenoughtorespectherfeelings.Mostlikelythechairownerwouldsendsomesuch
messagesas:
"Iamworriedthatmynewchairmightgetdirty."
"I'msittinghereonpinsandneedlesbecauseIseeyourfeetonmynewchair."
"I'membarrassedtomentionthis,butwejustgotthesenewchairsandI'manxioustokeepthem
ascleanaspossible."
Thesemessagesdonot"sendasolution."Peoplegenerallysendthistypeofmessagetofriendsbut
seldomtotheirownchildrentheynaturallyrefrainfromordering,exhorting,threatening,and
advisingfriendstomodifytheirbehaviorinsomeparticularway,yetasparentstheydothiseveryday
withtheirchildren.
Nowonderchildrenresistorrespondwithdefensivenessandhostility.Nowonderchildrenfeelput
down,squelched,controlled.Nowonderthey"loseface."Nowondersomegrowupsubmissively
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expectingtobehandedsolutionsbyeveryone.Parentsfrequentlycomplainthattheirchildrenarenot
responsibleinthefamilytheydonotshowconsiderationfortheneedsofparents.Howarechildren
evergoingtolearnresponsibilitywhenparentstakeawayeverychanceforthechildtodosomething
responsibleonherownoutofconsiderationforherparents'needs?
Sendinga"PutDownMessage"
Everyoneknowswhatitfeelsliketobe"putdown"byamessagethatcommunicatesblame,
judgment,ridicule,criticism,orshame.Inconfrontingchildren,parentsrelyheavilyonsuch
messages."Putdownmessages"mayfallintoanyofthesecategories:
1.JUDGING,CRITICIZING,BLAMING
"Yououghttoknowbetter."
"Youarebeingverythoughtless."
"Youarebeingbad."
"YouarethemostinconsideratechildIknow."
"You'llbethedeathofmeyet."
2.NAMECALLING,RIDICULING,SHAMING
"You'reaspoiledbrat."
"Allright,Mr.KnowItAll."
"Doyoulikebeingaselfishfreeloader?"
"Shameonyou."
3.INTERPRETING,DIAGNOSING,PSYCHOANALYZING
"Youjustwanttogetsomeattention."
"You'retryingtomakememad."
"YoujustlovetoseehowfaryoucangobeforeIgetmad."
"YoualwayswanttoplayjustwhereI'mworking."
4.TEACHING,INSTRUCTING
"It'snotgoodmannerstointerruptsomeone."
"Nicechildrendon'tdothat."
"HowwouldyoulikeitifIdidthattoyou?"
"Whydon'tyoubegoodforachange."
"Dountoothers...etc."
"Wedon'tleaveourdishesdirty."
Alltheseareputdownstheyimpugnthechild'scharacter,deprecateherasaperson,shatterherself
esteem,underlineherinadequacies,castajudgmentonherpersonality.Theypointthefingerofblame
towardthechild.
Whateffectsarethesemessageslikelytoproduce?
1.Childrenoftenfeelguiltyandremorsefulwhentheyareevaluatedorblamed.
2.Childrenfeeltheparentisnotbeingfairtheyfeelaninjustice:"Ididn'tdoanythingwrong"
or"Ididn'tmeantobebad."
3.Childrenoftenfeelunloved,rejected:"Shedoesn'tlikemebecauseIdidsomethingwrong."
4.Childrenoftenactveryresistivetosuchmessagestheydigintheirheels.Togiveupthe
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behaviorthatisbotheringtheparentwouldbeanadmissionofthevalidityoftheparent'sblame
orevaluation.Achild'stypicalreactionwouldbe:"I'mnotbotheringyou"or"Thedishesaren't
inanybody'sway."
5.Childrenoftencomebackattheparentwithaboomerang:"You'renotalwayssoneat
yourself"or"You'realwaystired"or"You'reabiggrouchwhencompanyiscoming"or"Why
can'tthehousebeaplacewecanlivein?"
6.Putdownsmakethechildfeelinadequate.Theyreduceherselfesteem.
Putdownmessagescanhavedevastatingeffectsonachild'sdevelopingselfconcept.Thechildwho
isbombardedwithmessagesthatdeprecateherwilllearntolookatherselfasnogood,bad,worthless,
lazy,thoughtless,inconsiderate,"dumb,"inadequate,unacceptable,andsoon.Becauseapoorself
conceptformedinchildhoodhasatendencytopersistintoadulthood,putdownmessagessowthe
seedsforhandicappingapersonthroughoutherlifetime.
Thesearethewaysthatparents,dayafterday,contributetothedestructionoftheirchildren'segoor
selfesteem.Likedropsofwaterfallingonarock,thesedailymessagesgradually,imperceptiblyleave
adestructiveeffectonchildren.
EFFECTIVEWAYSOFCONFRONTINGCHILDREN
Parents'talkcanalsobuild.Mostparents,oncetheybecomeawareofthedestructivepowerofput
downmessagesareeagertolearnmoreeffectivewaysofconfrontingchildren.Inourclasseswe
neverencounteredaparentwhoconsciouslywantedtodestroyherchild'sselfesteem.
YouMessagesandIMessages
Aneasywayforparentstoseethedifferencebetweenineffectiveandeffectiveconfrontationisto
thinkofsendingeitherYouMessagesorIMessages.Whenweaskparentstoexaminethepreviously
notedineffectivemessages,theyaresurprisedtodiscoverthatalmostallbeginwiththeword"You"
orcontainthatword.Allthesemessagesare"You"oriented:
Youstopthat.
Youshouldn'tdothat.
Don'tyouever...
Ifyoudon'tstopthat,then...
Whydon'tyoudothis?
Youarenaughty.
Youareactinglikeababy.
Youwantattention.
Whydon'tyoubegood?
Youshouldknowbetter.
Butwhenaparentsimplytellsachildhowsomeunacceptablebehaviorismakingtheparentfeel,the
messagegenerallyturnsouttobeanIMessage.
"Idon'tfeellikeplayingwhenI'mtired."
"IfeelfrustratedwhenIcometopickyouupandyou'renotthere."
"IsuregetdiscouragedwhenIseethemessinthekitchenafterIjustcleaneditup."
ParentsreadilyunderstandthedifferencebetweenIMessagesandYouMessages,butitsfull
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significanceisappreciatedonlyafterwereturntothediagramofthecommunicationprocess,first
introducedtoexplainActiveListening.IthelpsparentsappreciatetheimportanceofIMessages.
Whenachild'sbehaviorisunacceptabletoaparentbecauseinsometangiblewayitinterfereswiththe
parent'senjoymentoflifeorherrighttosatisfyherownneeds,theparentclearly"owns"theproblem.
Sheisupset,disappointed,tired,worried,harassed,burdened,etc.,andtoletthechildknowwhatis
insideher,theparentmustselectasuitablecode.Fortheparentwhoistiredanddoesnotfeellike
playingwithherfiveyearoldchild,ourdiagramwouldlooklikethis:
TIREDPARENTEncodingprocessCode:"Iamtired."
Butifthisparentselectsacodethatis"you"oriented,shewouldnotbecodingher"feelingtired"
accurately:
TIREDPARENTEncodingprocessCode:"Youarebeingapest."
"Youarebeingapest"isaverypoorcodefortheparent'stiredfeeling.Acodethatisclearand
accuratewouldalwaysbeanIMessage:"Iamtired,""Idon'tfeeluptoplaying,""Iwanttorest."
Thiscommunicatesthefeelingtheparentisexperiencing.AYouMessagecodedoesnotsendthe
feeling.Itrefersmuchmoretothechildthantotheparent.AYouMessageischildoriented,not
parentoriented.
Considerthesemessagesfromthepointofviewofwhatthechildhears:
TIREDPARENTEncodingprocessCode:"Youarebeingapest."CHILD'sDecodingprocess
"Iambad."
TIREDPARENTEncodingprocessCode:"Iamverytired."CHILD'sDecodingprocess
"Momistired."
Thefirstmessageisdecodedbythechildasanevaluationofher.Thesecondisdecodedasa
statementoffactabouttheparent.YouMessagesarepoorcodesforcommunicatingwhataparentis
feeling,becausetheywillmostoftenbedecodedbythechildintermsofeitherwhatsheshoulddo
(sendingasolution)orhowbadsheis(sendingblameorevaluation).
THEESSENTIALCOMPONENTSOFANIMESSAGE
ChildrenwillbemuchmorelikelytochangetheirunacceptablebehavioriftheirparentssendI
Messagescontainingthesethreeparts:
1)adescriptionoftheunacceptablebehavior,
2)theparent'sfeeling,and
3)thetangibleandconcreteeffectthebehaviorhasontheparent.
[BEHAVIOR+FEELING+EFFECT.]
DescribingtheUnacceptableBehavior
Behaviorissomethingthatthechilddoesorsays.ThispartoftheIMessageisasimpledescriptionof
thechild'sunacceptablebehaviorwhatshe'sdoingthatbothersyou,notyourlabelorjudgmentof
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thatbehavior.
Here'sanexampleofachildwholeftforschoolsayingthatshewouldbehomerightafterschoolgot
out.Shecamehomeanhourlaterwithoutcalling.
Thekeyhereistoremembertodescribethebehavior,notjudgeit.
NonBlamefulDescriptionoftheChild'sBehavior:"Whenyoudidn'tcomehomefromschoolon
time,andyoudidn'tcalltosayyou'dbelate,..."
JudgementorLabel:"Itwasinconsiderateofyounottocall."
TheParent'sFeelingAbouttheBehavior
WhenparentssendYouMessages,theyneedn'tidentifyhowtheyfeelasaconsequenceofachild's
unacceptablebehavior.It'sjustamatterofblurtingoutacommand,threat,aputdown:"You're
drivingmecrazy,""You'relazy,"etc.NotsowhenparentstrytosendanIMessage.Nowtheyneed
toknowhowtheyfeel."AmIangryorafraidorworriedorembarrassedorjustwhat?"
"Whenyoudidn'tcomehomefromschoolontimeanddidn'tcalltosayyou'dbelate,Igot
worried...
WhenparentsbegintosendIMessages,notonlydotheynoticechangesintheirchildrenbutthey
alsoexperienceasignificantchangeinthemselves.ThedifferentwordsI'veheardusedallseemto
meangreaterhonesty:
"Idon'thavetopretendanymore."
"I'mmuchmoreupfront."
"Itfeelsgreattobehonest."
Apparentlytheoldidea,"Youbecomewhatyoudo,"applieshere,too.Byusinganewformof
communication,parentsbegintofeelinsidethemselvestheveryhonestytheirIMessages
communicatetoothers.TheIMessageskillprovidesparentswiththevehicleforgettingintouchwith
theirrealfeelings.(I'llsaymoreaboutfeelingsinthenextchapter.)
HowtheBehaviorAffectstheParent
WhenIMessagesfailtoinfluenceachildtomodifybehaviorthatiscausingtheparentaproblem,it
issometimesbecausetheparenthassentoneormoreincompleteIMessages.Often,thetwopartI
Message(adescriptionoftheunacceptablebehaviorandtheparent'sfeelingaboutit)willbeenough
togetthechildtochange.
ButaneffectiveIMessageoftenneedstocontainathirdpartkidsneedtoknowwhytheirbehavior
isaproblem.Soit'simportanttotellthemthetangibleandconcreteeffectthattheirbehavioris
havingonyou.
Mostoften,atangibleandconcreteeffectissomethingthatcostsyoumoney,time,extraworkor
inconvenience.Itmightpreventyoufromdoingsomethingyouwantorneedtodo.Itmight
physicallyhurtyou,makeyoutired,orcauseyoupainordiscomfort.
"Whenyoudidn'tcomehomefromschoolontimeanddidn'tcalltosayyou'dbelate,Igot
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worriedandthatdistractedmefrommywork."
WhenyousendacompletethreepartIMessage,youtellthechildthewholestorynotonlywhatshe
isdoingthatisgivingyouaproblem,butalsowhatfeelingyouhaveaboutit,andequallyimportant,
whythebehaviorwillcauseorhascausedyouaproblem.
Herearesomeexamples:
Remember,thewholepurposeofsendingIMessagesistoinfluencechildrentochangewhateverthey
aredoingatthetime.Usuallyit'snotenoughtodescribethebehavioryoufindunacceptableandtell
themyou'reupsetaboutitorangryorfrustrated.Theyneedtoknowwhy.
Putyourselfinyourchild'sshoes.You'redoingsomethingtogetsomeneedofyoursmet(ortoavoid
somethingthat'sunpleasanttoyou).Nowjustbecauseyousay,ineffect,"I'mupsetwithwhatyou're
doing"areyoumotivatedtochangeyourbehavior?Probablynot.Becauseyouhavetohearavery
goodreasontochange.
Thisiswhyparentsneedtobeveryexplicitaboutthetangibleandconcreteeffectofachild'sbehavior
onthem.Failuretocommunicatethistothechildleavesherwithnogoodreasontochange.
Inadditiontogivingchildrenaspecificreasonwhytheparentfindstheirbehaviorunacceptable,
therebyincreasingthechancestheywillbemotivatetochange,thecompletethreepartIMessagehas
asignificanteffectontheparents.Wediscoveredthatwhenparentstrytocommunicatethe"tangible
effect"portionoftheIMessage,theyoftenrealizethereisnotangibleeffectatall.Amother
explainedthisphenomenon.
"IfoundIMessagesmostvaluableinhelpingmeseehowarbitraryIamwithmykids.WhenItryto
sendallthreepartsandIgettothepartthatexplainswhateffectthebehaviorhasonme,itwould
makemethink,'Well,Ihavenogoodreason!'IfIsay,'Ican'tstanditwhenyou'remakingsomuch
noisearoundthehouse,'whenIgottothe'becauseI'daskmyself,'WhyamIannoyedbyit?'and
realizedI'mreallynotannoyed.SoI'vegottenintothehabitnowthatifIcan'tthinkofanyeffectit
hasonme,Ijustsaytothekid,'ForgetIeversaidanythingbecauseitseemedsoarbitrary....It'sneat,
youknow,discoveringthatIcouldn'tevenfindareasonabouthalfthetime."
Thecluetowhythismotherfeltherdiscoverywas"neat"wasrevealedwhenshelaterexplained:
"Iwasalwaysverymuchintocontrollingkids.Ithoughtthatwasasmoothwaytorunabunch
ofkidshaveeverythingcontrolled.Butlookingatitnow,Isay,'Wow,howcanIdothat?'It
causedmemorework,notless,becauseIwasconcernedabouteverylittlethingtheywere
doing....NowIstepbackmostofthetimeandsay,'Sowhat?"'
Thirtyyearsago,IwouldnothavepredictedthatbyteachingparentstosendacompletethreepartI
Message,wewouldbehelpingthemdiscovertheydidn'tevenneedtosendanIMessage.By
convincingparentstheyshouldexplaintotheirkidswhytheyfoundaparticularbehavior
unacceptable,weinadvertentlygavethemamethodthatinmanycasesmadetheunacceptable
behavioracceptable.
WhyIMessagesAreMoreEffective
IMessagesaremoreeffectiveininfluencingachildtomodifybehaviorthatisunacceptabletothe
parentaswellashealthierforthechildandtheparentchildrelationship.
TheIMessageismuchlessapttoprovokeresistanceandrebellion.Tocommunicatetoachild
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honestlytheeffectofherbehavioronyouisfarlessthreateningthantosuggestthatthereis
somethingbadaboutherbecausesheengagedinthatbehavior.Thinkofthesignificantdifferenceina
child'sreactiontothesetwomessages,sentbyaparentafterachildkicksherintheshins:
"Ouch!ThatreallyhurtmeIdon'tliketobekicked."
"That'sbeingaverybadgirl.Don'tyoueverkickanybodylikethat!"
Thefirstmessageonlytellsthechildhowherkickmadeyoufeel,afactwithwhichshecanhardly
argue.Thesecondtellsthechildthatshewas"bad"andwarnshernottodoitagain,bothofwhich
shecanargueagainstandprobablyresiststrongly.
IMessagesarealsoinfinitelymoreeffectivebecausetheyplaceresponsibilitywithinthechildfor
modifyingherbehavior."Ouch!Thatreallyhurtme"and"Idon'tliketobekicked"tellthechildhow
youfeel,yetleavehertoberesponsiblefordoingsomethingaboutit.
Consequently,IMessageshelpachildgrow,helpherlearntoassumeresponsibilityforherown
behavior.AnIMessagetellsachildthatyouareleavingtheresponsibilitywithher,trustingherto
handlethesituationconstructively,trustinghertorespectyourneeds,givingherachancetostart
behavingconstructively.
BecauseIMessagesarehonest,theytendtoinfluencechildrentosendsimilarhonestmessages
whenevertheyhaveafeeling.IMessagesfromonepersoninarelationshippromoteIMessagesfrom
theother.Thisiswhy,indeterioratingrelationships,conflictsoftendegenerateintomutualname
callingandreciprocalblaming:
PARENT:You'regettingawfullyirresponsibleaboutdoingyourdishesafterbreakfast.[You
Message.]
CHILD:Youdon'talwaysdoyourseverymorning.[YouMessage.]
PARENT:That'sdifferentIhavelotsofotherthingstodoaroundthehouse,pickingupafterabunch
ofmessychildren.[YouMessage.]
CHILD:Ihaven'tbeenmessy.[Defensivemessage.]
PARENT:You'rejustasbadastheothers,andyouknowit.[YouMessage.]
CHILD:Youexpecteveryonetobeperfect.[YouMessage.]
PARENT:Well,youcertainlyhavealongwaytogotoreachthatwhenitcomestopickingup.[You
Message.]
CHILD:You'resopickyaboutthehouse.[YouMessage.]
Thisistypicalofmanyconversationsbetweenparentsandchildrenwhentheparentstartsher
confrontationwithaYouMessage.Invariably,theyendupinastruggle,withbothalternately
defendingandattacking.
IMessagesaremuchlesslikelytoproducesuchastruggle.ThisisnottosaythatifparentssendI
Messageseverythingwillbesweetnessandlight.Understandably,childrendonotliketohearthat
theirbehaviorhascausedaproblemfortheirparents(justlikeadults,whoareneverexactly
comfortablewhensomeoneconfrontsthemwiththefactthattheirbehaviorhascausedpain).
Nevertheless,tellingsomeonehowyoufeelisfarlessthreateningthanaccusingherofcausingabad
feeling.
IttakesacertainamountofcouragetosendIMessages,buttherewardsaregenerallywellworththe
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risks.Ittakescourageandinnersecurityforapersontoexposeherinnerfeelingsinarelationship.
ThesenderofanhonestIMessagerisksbecomingknowntotheotherasshereallyis.Sheisopening
herselfupbeing"transparentlyreal,"revealingher"humanness."Shetellstheotherthatsheisa
personcapableofbeinghurtorembarrassedorfrightenedordisappointedorangryordiscouraged,
andsoon.
Forapersontorevealhowshefeelsmeansopeningherselftobeviewedbytheother.Whatwillthe
otherpersonthinkofme?WillIbere'ced?Willtheotherpersonthinklessofme?Parents,
particularly,finditdifficulttobetransparentlyrealwithchildrenbecausetheyliketobeseenas
infalliblewithoutweaknesses,vulnerabilities,inadequacies.Formanyparents,itismucheasierto
hidetheirfeelingsunderaYouMessagethatputstheblameonthechildthantoexposetheirown
humanness.
Probablythegreatestrewardthatcomestoaparentfrombeingtransparentistherelationshipit
promoteswiththechild.Honestyandopennessfosterintimacyatrulyinterpersonalrelationship.My
childgetstoknowmeasIam,whichthenencourageshertorevealtomewhosheis.Insteadofbeing
alienatedfromeachother,wedeveloparelationshipofcloseness.Oursbecomesanauthentic
relationshiptworealpersons,willingtobeknowninourrealnesstoeachother.
Whenparentsandchildrenlearntobeopenandhonestwitheachother,theynolongerare"strangers
inthesamehouse."Theparentscanhavethejoyofbeingparentstoarealpersonandthechildren
areblessedbyhavingrealpersonsasparents.
Chapter7PuttingIMessagestoWork.
Version2013.04.04
ParentsintheP.E.T.coursewarmlywelcomebeingshownhowtomodifychildbehaviorthatis
unacceptabletothem.Someannounceinclass,"Ican'twaittogethomeandtrythisoutonsomething
mychildhasbeendoingthat'sbeenirritatingmeformonths."
Unfortunately,newlytrainedparentssometimesdonotgettheresultsthattheyhopefor.Atleast,not
atfirst.WethereforedealwiththemistakestheyfrequentlymakewhentheytrytoputIMessagesto
work,andofferexamplestoincreasetheirskill.
TheDisguisedYouMessage
Mr.G.,thefatheroftwoadolescentboys,cametoclassandreportedthathisfirstattempttoputI
Messagestoworkhadendeddismally.
"Myson,Paul,contrarytowhatyoutoldus,startedsendinghisownYouMessagesrightbacktome,
likehealwaysdoes."
"DidyousendIMessagesyourself?"askedtheinstructor.
"OfcourseorIthinkIdidItriedtoanyway,"Mr.G.replied.
TheinstructorsuggestedactingoutthesituationinclasshewouldplaythepartofPaulandMr.G.
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wouldbehimself.Afterexplainingthesituationtotheclass,Mr.G.begantorecapturethesituation:
MR.G.:Ifeelverystronglythatyouhavebeenneglectfulofyourchores.
PAUL:How'sthat?
MR.G.:Well,takeyourjobofmowingthelawn.Ifeelupseteverytimeyougoofoff.Likelast
Saturday.Iwasangryatyoubecauseyousneakedoffwithoutmowingthebackyard.Ifeltthatwas
irresponsibleandIwasupset.
Atthispoint,theinstructorstoppedtheroleplayingandsaidtoMr.G.,"Ididhearalotof'Ifeel's'
fromyou,butlet'sasktheclassiftheyheardanythingelse."
Oneofthefathersintheclassimmediatelychimedinwith,"Inafewseconds,youtoldPaulhewas
neglectful,hewasagoofoff,hewassneaky,andhewasirresponsible."
"Wow.DidI?IguessmaybeIdid,"Mr.G.saidsheepishly."ThosesoundjustlikeYouMessages."
Mr.G.wascorrect.HehadmadethemistakemanyparentsinitiallymakesendingYouMessages
underthedisguiseofputting"Ifeel"infrontofnamecallingmessages.
Itsometimestakesthiskindofreenactmentofarealsituationforparentstoseeclearlythat"Ifeel
youareaslob"isjustasmuchaYouMessageas"Youareaslob."Parentsareinstructedtodropthe
"Ifeel"andstatewhattheydidfeelspecificallysuchas,"Iwasdisappointed,""Iwantedthelawnto
lookniceSunday,"or"IwasupsetbecauseIthoughtwehadagreedthelawnwouldbemowed
Saturday."
DonotAccentuatetheNegative
AnothermistakefreshlytrainedparentssometimesmakeistosendIMessagestoconveytheir
negativefeelings,andforgettosendIMessagesabouttheirpositivefeelings.
Ms.K.andherdaughter,Linda,hadanagreementthatLindawouldcomehomefromadatenolater
than12:30A.M.Lindafinallyshowedupat1:30Hermotherhadbeenkeptfromhersleepforanhour
andhadworriedherselfsickthatsomethingterriblehadhappenedtoLinda.
Intheclassroomroleplayingrecapitulationofthisincident,Ms.K.soundedlikethis:
MS.K.(asLindawalkedin):I'mangryatyou.
LINDA:IknowI'mlate.
MS.K.:I'mreallyupsetatyouforkeepingmeawake.
LINDA:Whycouldn'tyousleep?Iwishyou'dgotosleepandnotworry.
MS.K.:HowcouldI?Iwasmadatyouandworriedsickthatyoumighthavebeeninanaccident.I'm
reallydisappointedinyouthatyoudidn'tsticktoouragreement.
TheinstructorinterruptedtheroleplayingandsaidtoMs.K.,"NotbadyousentsomeprettygoodI
Messages,butonlythenegativeones.HowdidyouactuallyfeelwhenLindawalkedinthefront
door?Whatwasyourfirstfeeling?"Ms.K.quicklyanswered,"IfeltterriblyrelievedthatLindawas
homesafe.IwantedtohugherandtellherhowgladIwastoseeherinonepiece."
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"Ibelieveyou,"saidtheinstructor."Now(I'llbeLindaagain)sendmethoserealfeelingsasI
Messages.Let'stryitagain."
MS.K.:Oh,Linda,thankGodyou'rehomesafe.I'msogladtoseeyou.Whatarelief.[Hugsthe
instructor].I'wassoafraidyou'dbeeninanaccident.
LINDA:Wow,youaregladtoseeme,aren'tyou?
Atthis,theclassactuallyapplaudedMs.K.,expressingtheiramazementanddelightattheentirely
differentqualityofthesecondconfrontation,startingoutwithherstrongest"hereandnow"feelings.
Anexcitingdiscussionensuedaboutthewayparentsmisssomanychancesofbeinghonestwithkids
abouttheirpositiveandlovingfeelings.Eagerto"teachourkidsalesson,"wemissgolden
opportunitiestoteachthemfarmorefundamentallessons.Forinstance,thatwelovethemsomuch,
thatitwouldpainusterriblyiftheywerehurtorkilled.
AfterMs.K.sentthefirsthonestexpressionofherfeelings,therewasplentyoftimeforherto
confrontLindawithherdisappointmentthattheagreementwasnotliveduptobyherdaughter.What
adifferentkindofadiscussionitwouldhavebeenifthePositiveIMessagehadbeensentfirst.
TheRightToolfortheRightJob
ParentsinP.E.T.hearalotabout"undershooting"theirIMessages.Manyparentsfinditdifficultat
firsttosendanIMessagethatmatchestheintensityoftheirinnerfeelings.Usually,whenaparent
undershoots,theIMessagelosesitsimpactonthechildandnobehaviorchangeoccurs.
Mrs.B.reportedanincidentinwhichherson,Bryant,didnotchangehisunacceptablebehavioreven
aftershefeltshesentagoodIMessage.Bryant,agesix,hadhithisbabybrotherintheheadwithhis
father'soldtennisracket,withwhichhewasplaying.MothersentanIMessage,butBryantwent
aheadandrepeatedhisassaultonbabybrother.
Intheroleplayingofthisincidentinclass,itbecameapparenttotheotherparentsthatMrs.B.was
guiltyofundershootingherfeelings.
MRS.B:Bryant,Idon'tlikeforyoutohitSammy.
"I'msurprised,Mrs.B.,"saidtheinstructor,"thatyouhadsuchmildfeelingsaboutyoursmallest
gettinghitwithahardtennisracket."
"Oh,IwasscaredtodeathhislittleskullhadbeencrackedopenIwassureI'dseebloodonhishead."
"Well,then,"saidtheinstructor,"let'sputthoseverystrongfeelingsintoIMessagesthatmatchthe
intensityofhowyoureallyfeltinside."
Thusencouragedandsanctionedtobehonestwithherrealfeelings,Mrs.B.thencameoutstrongly
with,"Bryant,Igetscaredtodeathwhenthebabyishitonthehead!Iwouldsurehatetoseehimhurt
badly.AndIgetreallymadwhenIseesomeonebighurtingsomeonealotsmaller.Oooooh,Iwasso
afraidhislittleheadwasgoingtobleed."
Mrs.B.andtheotherparentsintheclassagreedthatthistimeshehadsentamuchmore"honest"and
accuratemessage.ThesecondIMessage,matchingmuchmorecloselyhertruefeelings,wouldhave
muchmorechanceofhavinganimpactonBryant.
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TheEruptingMountVesuvius
Someparents,whenfirstintroducedtoIMessages,rushhomeeagertobeginconfrontingtheirkids
andendupspewingandventingtheirpentupemotionslikeavolcano.Onemotherreturnedtoclass
andannouncedthatshespenttheentireweekbeingangryathertwochildren.Theonlyproblemwas
thatherchildrenwerescaredoutoftheirwitsbyhereruptions.
Thediscoverythatafewparentswereinterpretingourencouragementforthemtoconfronttheir
childrenaslicensetoventtheirangryfeelingsforcedmetoreexaminethefunctionofangerinthe
parentchildrelationship.Thiscriticalreexaminationofangergreatlyclarifiedmyownthinkingand
broughtmetoanewformulationaboutwhyparentsventtheiranger,whyitisharmfultochildren,
andhowparentscanbehelpedtoavoidit.
Unlikeotherfeelings,angerisalmostinvariablydirectedatanotherperson."Iamangry"isamessage
thatusuallymeans"Iamangryatyou"or"Youmademeangry."ItisreallyaYouMessage,notanI
Message.AparentcannotdisguisethisYouMessagebystatingitas"Ifeelangry."Consequently,
suchamessagefeelslikeaYouMessagetochildren.Achildthinksheisbeingblamedastheone
whocausedhisparent'sanger.Thepredictableeffectonthechildisthathewillfeelputdown,
blamed,andguilty,justasheisbyotherYouMessages.
Iamconvincednowthatangerissomethinggeneratedsolelybytheparentafterhehasexperienced
anearlierfeeling.Theparentmanufacturestheangerasaconsequenceofexperiencingaprimary
feeling.Hereishowitworks:
Iamdrivingalongonafreewayandanotherdrivercutsinfrontofmeprecariouslyclosetomyright
frontfender.Myprimaryfeelingisfearhisbehaviorscaredme.Asaconsequenceofhisscaringme,
andsomesecondslater,Ihonkmyhornand"actangry,"perhapsevenshoutingsomethinglike"You
idiot,whydon'tyoulearnhowtodrive,"amessagethatnoonecoulddenyisapureYouMessage.
Thefunctionofmy"actingangry"istopunishtheotherdriverortomakehimfeelguiltyforscaring
mesothathedoesnotdoitagain.
Theangryparentinmostcasesissimilarlyusinghisangerorhis"actingangry"toteachhischilda
lesson.
Amotherloseshersoninadepartmentstore.Herprimaryfeelingisfearsheisafraidthatsomething
unpleasantmayhappentohim.Ifsomeoneaskedherhowshewasfeelingwhileshewassearchingfor
him,thismotherwouldsay"I'mscaredtodeath"or"Ifeelterriblyworriedorfrightened."Whenshe
finallyfindsthechild,sheexperiencesgreatrelief.Toherselfshesays,"ThankGod,you'reokay."
Butoutloudshesayssomethingquitedifferent.Actingangry,shewillsendsomesuchmessageas,
"Youbadboy"or"I'mmadatyou!Howcanyoubesostupidandgetseparatedfromme?"or"Didn't
Itellyoutostayclosetome?"Mother,inthissituation,isactingangry(asecondaryfeeling),inorder
toteachthechildalessonorpunishhimforcausingherfear.
Asasecondaryfeeling,angeralmostalwaysbecomesaYouMessagethatcommunicatesjudgment
andblameofthechild.Iamalmostconvincedthatangerisaposturedeliberatelyandconsciously
assumedbytheparentfortheexpresspurposeofblaming,punishing,orteachingalessontoachild
becausehisbehaviorcausedsomeotherfeeling(theprimaryfeeling).Wheneveryougetangryat
another,youareputtingonanact,playingaroletoaffecttheother,toshowhimwhathehasdone,
teachhimalesson,trytoconvincehimheshouldn'tdoitagain.I'mnotsuggestingthattheangerisn't
real.Itisveryrealandmakespeopleboilorshakeinside.Iamsuggestingthatpeoplemake
themselvesangry.
Herearesomeexamples:
Childactsupinarestaurant.Parents'primaryfeelingisembarrassment.Secondaryfeelingis
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anger:"Stopactinglikeatwoyearold."
Childforgetsitisherfather'sbirthdayandfailstosay"HappyBirthday"orgivehimapresent.
Father'sprimaryfeelingishurt.Secondaryfeelingisanger:"You'rejustlikealltheother
thoughtlesskidstoday."
ChildbringshomeherreportcardwithC'sandD's.Mother'sprimaryfeelingisdisappointment.
Secondaryfeelingisanger:"Iknowyouweregoofingoffallsemester.Ihopeyoufeelvery
proudofyourself."
HowcanparentslearntoavoidsendingangryYouMessagestochildren?Theexperienceinour
classeshasbeenratherencouraging.Wehelpparentstocomprehendthedifferencebetweenprimary
andsecondaryfeelings.Thentheylearntobecomemoreawareoftheirprimaryfeelingswhen
situationsoccurinthehome.Finallytheylearntosendtheirprimary.feelingstotheirchildrenrather
thanventingtheirsecondaryangryfeelings.P.E.T.helpsparentsbecomemoreawareofwhatisreally
goingoninsidethemwhentheyarefeelingangryithelpsthemidentifytheprimaryfeeling.
Mrs.C.,anoverlyconscientiousmother,toldherP.E.T.classhowshediscoveredthatherfrequent
angryoutburstsathertwelveyearolddaughterweresecondaryreactionstoherdisappointmentthat
shewasnotturningouttobestudiousandscholarlyashermotherhadbeeninchildhood.Mrs.C.
begantorealizehowmuchherdaughter'ssuccessinschoolmeanttoherandthatwheneverher
daughterdisappointedheracademicallyshewouldblastherwithangryYouMessages.
Mr.J.,aprofessionalcounselor,admittedinclassthathenowunderstoodwhyhegotsoangryathis
elevenyearolddaughterwhentheywereoutinpublic.Hisdaughterwasshy,unlikehersocially
outgoingfather.Wheneverheintroducedhertohisfriends,hisdaughterwouldnotshakehandsorsay
theacceptedamenities,suchas"Howdoyoudo"or"Nicetomeetyou."Hermuffled,almost
inaudiblelittle"Hello"embarrassedherfather.Headmittedthathewasafraidhisfriendswouldjudge
himasaharsh,restrictiveparentwhohadproducedasubmissiveandfearfulchild.Oncehe
recognizedthis,hefoundhimselfgettingoverhisangryfeelingsatsuchtimes.Hecouldnowbeginto
acceptthefactthathisdaughtersimplydidnothavethesamepersonalityashe.Andwhenhestopped
gettingangry,hisdaughterfeltmuchlessselfconscious.
ParentslearninP.E.T.thatiftheyfrequentlyventangryYouMessages,theyhadbetterholdamirror
uptothemselvesandask,"Whatisgoingoninsideme?""Whatneedsofminearebeingthreatenedby
mychild'sbehavior?""Whataremyownprimaryfeelings?"Onemothercourageouslyadmittedin
classthatshehadsooftenbeenangryatherchildrenbecauseshewasdeeplydisappointedthathaving
childrenhadpreventedherfromgoingontograduateschooltobecomeaschoolteacher.She
discoveredthatherangryfeelingswereactuallyresentmentbecauseshewasdisappointedathaving
herowncareerplansinterrupted.
WhatEffectiveIMessagesCanDo
IMessagescanproducestartlingoutcomes.Parentsfrequentlyreportthattheirchildrenexpress
surpriseonlearninghowtheirparentsreallyfeel.Theytelltheirparents:
"Ididn'tknowIwasbuggingyousomuch."
"Ididn'tknowitreallyupsetyou."
"Whydidn'tyoutellmehowyoufeltbefore?"
"Youreallyhavestrongfeelingsaboutthis,don'tyou?
Children,notunlikeadults,oftendon'tknowhowtheirbehavioraffectsothers.Inthepursuitoftheir
owngoalstheyareoftentotallyunawareoftheimpacttheirbehaviormighthave.Oncetheyaretold,
theyusuallywanttobemoreconsiderate.Thoughtlessnessfrequentlyturnsintothoughtfulness,once
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achildunderstandstheimpactofhisbehavioronothers.
Mrs.H.reportedanincidentduringtheirfamilyvacation.Theirsmallchildrenhadbeenveryloudand
boisterousinthebackoftheminivan.Mrs.H.andherhusbandhadbeenresentfullyenduringthe
racket,butfinallyMr.H.couldstandnomore.Hebrakedthecarabruptly,pulledofftheroadand
announced,"Ijustcan'tstandallthisnoiseandjumpingaroundintheback.Iwanttoenjoymy
vacationandIwanttohavefunwhenI'mdriving.But,damnit,whenthereisnoisebackthere,Iget
nervousandIhatetodrive.IfeelIhavearighttoenjoythisvacation,too."
Thekidswerestartledbythispronouncementandsaidso:Theyhadn'trealizedthattheircarryingon
waybackintheminivanwasinanywaydistressingtheirfather.Theyapparentlythoughttheirfather
couldtakeit.Mrs.H.reportedthatafterthisincident,thechildrenweremuchmoreconsiderateand
drasticallyreducedtheirhorseplay.
Mr.G.,theprincipalofacontinuationhighschool,toldthisdramaticstory:
ForweeksIhadbeenresentfullytoleratingthebehaviorofagroupofboyswhowere
continuallyignoringsomeoftheschoolregulations.OnemorningIlookedoutmyoffice
windowandsawthemcasuallywalkingacrosstheofficesmoking,whichisagainstschool
regulations.Thatdidit.HavingjustattendedthesessionintheP.E.T.coursethatexplainedI
Messages,Iranoutandstartedsendingsomeofmyfeelings:"Ifeelsodarneddiscouraged
withyouguys!I'vetriedeverythingIcantohelpyougetthroughschool.I'veputmyheartand
soulintothisjob.And.all.youguysdoisbreaktherules.Ifoughtforareasonableruleabout
hairlength,butyouguyswon'tevensticktothat.Now,hereyou'resmoking,andthat'sagainst
therules,too.Ifeellikejustquittingthisjobandgoingbacktotheregularhighschool,whereI
canfeelI'maccomplishingsomething.Ifeellikeanabsolutefailureinthisjob."
Thatafternoon,Mr.G.wassurprisedbyavisitfromthegroup.
"Hey,Mr.G.,we'vebeenthinkingaboutwhathappenedthismorning.Wedidn'tknowyou
couldgetmad.Youneverdidbefore.Wedon'twantanotherprincipaldownherehewon'tbe
asgoodasyou'vebeen.So,wedecidednottosmokeoncampusanymore.We'regonnastickto
theotherrules,too."
Mr.G.,afterrecoveringfromhisshock,thenwentintoanotherroomwiththeboys,andtheyall
submittedtohisbarberinguntiltheirhairwasshortenoughtoconformtotheregulation.Mr.G.told
theP.E.T.classthatthemostsignificantthingaboutthisincidentwastheamountoffuntheyallhad
duringthevolunteerhaircuttingsession."Weallhadaball,"hereported.Theboysgotclosetohim
andtooneanother.Theylefttheroomfriends,withwarmfeelingsandthekindofclosenessthatso
oftenresultsfrommutualproblemsolving.
WhenIheadMr.G.tellthisstory,IadmitIwasasamazedastheparentsintheclassatthedramatic
impactofMr.G'sIMessages.Itreconfirmedmybeliefthatadultsoftenunderestimatethewillingness
ofkidstobeconsiderateofadults'needs,oncetheyarehonestlyandstraightforwardlytoldhowothers
feel.Kidscanberesponsiveandresponsible,ifonlygrownupstakeamomenttolevelwiththem.
HerearemoreexamplesofeffectiveIMessagesthatcontainnoblamingorshaming,andinwhichthe
parentisnot"sendingasolution":
Momwantstoreadthepaperandrelaxafterarrivinghomefromwork.Childkeepsclimbingon
herlapandcrumplingthepaper.Mom:"Ican'treadthepaperwhenyou'reonmylap.Idon't
feellikeplayingwithyoubecauseI'mtiredandwanttorestawhile."
Childkeepspleadingtobetakentoamoviebuthasnotcleaneduphisroomforseveraldays,a
jobheagreedtodo.Mom:"Idon'tfeelverymuchlikedoingsomethingforyouwhenyoudon't
sticktoyouragreementaboutcleaningyourroom."
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Childisplayinghismusicsolouditisinterferingwithconversationofparentsinnextroom.
Mom:"Weareveryfrustratedbecausethemusicissoloudwecan'ttalk."
Childpromisedtocleanthebathroombeforeguestsarriveforaparty.Duringthedayshe
dawdlednowit'sanhourbeforeguestsarriveandshehasn'tstartedthejob.Mom:"Ireallyfeel
letdown.I'veworkedalldaytogetreadyforourpartyandnowIstillhavetoworryaboutthe
bathroom."
ChildforgottoshowupatagreedtimeshewastobehomesoMomcouldtakehertobuyshoes.
Momisinahurry.Mom:"Isuredon'tlikeitwhenIcarefullyplanmydaysowecanshopfor
yournewshoesandthenyoudon'tshowup."
SendingNonverbalIMessagestoVeryYoungKids
ParentsofchildrenwhoareundertwoyearsofageinvariablyaskhowtheycansendIMessagesto
kidswhoaretooyoungtocomprehendthemeaningofverbalIMessages.
Ourexperiencetellsusthatmanyparentsunderestimatethecapacityofveryyoungchildrento
comprehendIMessages.Mostchildrenbytheageoftwohavelearnedtorecognizewhenparentsare
acceptingornonaccepting,whentheyarefeelingwellorunwell,whentheylikesomethingthechild
isdoingorwhentheydonot.Bythetimemostchildrenhavereachedtheirsecondbirthdaytheyare
quiteawareofthemeaningofsuchparentalmessagesas:"Ow,thathurts"or"Idon'tlikethat"or
"Daddydoesn'twanttoplay."Also,"That'snotforMarcustoplaywith,""That'shot,"or"Thatwill
hurtMarcus."
Veryyoungchildrenarealsososensitivetononverbalmessagesthatparentscanusewordlesssignals
togetacrossmanyoftheirfeelingstoachild.
RobissquirmingwhileMomisputtinghisclotheson.Momgentlybutfirmlyrestrainshimand
continuestodresshim.(Message:"Ican'tdressyouwhenyouaresquirming.")
MoisjumpingupanddownonthecouchandMomfearsshewillhitthelampontheendtable.
MomgentlybutfirmlyremovesMofromthecouchandjumpsupanddownwithheronthe
floor.(Message:"Idon'tliketohaveyoujumponthecouch,butIdon'tmindifyoujumpon
thefloor.")
TomasstallsanddelaysgettingintothecarwhenDadisinahurry.Dadputshishandon
Tomas'rearandgentlybutfirmlyguideshimintothecar.(Message:"IaminahurryandIwant
youtogetinthecarnow.")
RandytugsatthenewdressMotherhasjustputonforaparty.Motherremoveshishandfrom
thedress.(Message:"Idon'twantyoutopullmydress.")
WhileDadiscarryingTiminthesupermarket,hestartstokickDadinthestomach.Dad
immediatelyputsTimdown.(Message:"Idon'tliketocarryyouwhenyoukickme.")
MarisolleansoverandtakesfoodoffMom'splate.MomretrievesherfoodandservesMarisol
aportionofherownfromtheservingdish.(Message:"IwantmyfoodandIdon'tlikeforyou
totakeitfrommyplate.")
Suchbehavioralmessagesareunderstoodbyveryyoungchildren.Thesemessagestellthechildwhat
needstheparenthas,yettheydonotconveytothechildthatheisbadforhavinghisownneeds.Also,
itisobviousthatwhentheparentsendsthesenonverbalmessagesheisnotpunishingthechild.
ProblemswithIMessages
ParentsinvariablyencounterproblemsputtingIMessagestowork.Noneisinsurmountable,buteach
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requiresadditionalskills.
ChildrenfrequentlyrespondtoIMessagesbyignoringthem,especiallywhenparentsfirststartusing
thesemessages.Nobodylikestolearnthathisbehaviorisinterferingwiththeneedsofanother.The
sameistrueofchildren.Theysometimesprefer"nothearing"howtheirbehavioriscausingtheir
parentstohavefeelings.
WeadviseparentstosendanotherIMessagewhenthefirstdoesnotgetaresponse.Perhapsthe
secondIMessagewillcomeoutstronger,moreintense,louder,orwithmorefeeling.Thesecond
messagetellsthechild,"Look,Ireallymeanit."
SomechildrenwalkawayfromanIMessage,shruggingtheirshouldersasiftosay,"Sowhat."A
secondmessage,thistimestronger,maydothejob.Ortheparentmayneedtosaysomethinglike:
"Hey,I'mtellingyouhowIfeel:Thisisimportanttome.AndIdon'tliketobeignored.Ihateitwhen
youjustwalkawayfrommeanddon'tevenlistentomyfeelings.Thatdoesn'tsitwellwithme.Idon't
feelit'sveryfairtomewhenIreallyhaveaproblem."
Thistypeofmessagesometimesbringsthechildbackorgetshimtopayattention.Ittellshim"I'm
reallyserious!"ChildrenalsofrequentlyrespondtoanIMessagebysendingbackanIMessageof
theirown.Ratherthanimmediatelymodifytheirbehavior,theywantyoutohearwhattheirfeelings
are,asinthisincident:
MOTHER:Ihatetoseethecleanlivingroomalldirtiedupassoonasyoucomehomefromschool.I
feelverydiscouragedaboutthatafterI'veworkedhardtocleanitup.
SON:Ithinkyou'retoopickyaboutkeepingthehouseclean.
Atthispoint,parentsuntrainedinP.E.T.oftengetdefensiveandirritated,rebuttingwith,"OhnoI'm
not,"or"That'snoneofyourbusiness,"or"Idon'tcarewhatyouthinkaboutmystandards."To
handlesuchsituationseffectively,parentsmustberemindedofourfirstbasicprinciplewhenthe
childhasafeelingoraproblem,useActiveListening.Wecallthis"ShiftingGears"temporarily
changingfromaconfrontingposturetoalisteningposture.Intheprecedingincident,Mom'sI
Messagegavethechildaproblem(asthesemessagesusuallydo).Sonowisthetimetoshow
understandingandacceptance,sinceyourIMessagehascausedhimaproblem:
MOTHER:YoufeelmystandardsaretoohighandthatI'mtoofussy.
SON:Yeah.
MOTHER:Well,thatmaybetrue.I'llthinkaboutthat.ButuntilIchange,Isurefeeldarned
discouragedaboutseeingallmyworkgodownthedrain.I'mveryupsetrightnowaboutthisroom.
Often,afterthechildcantellthathisparenthasunderstoodhisfeeling,hewillmodifyhisbehavior.
Usually,allthechildwantsisunderstandingofhisfeelingsthenhefeelslikedoingsomething
constructiveaboutyourfeelings.
WhatalsoamazesmostparentsistheexperienceofseeingtheirActiveListeningbringoutfeelingsof
achildwhich,nowunderstoodbytheparent,havetheeffectofmakingtheparent'soriginalnon
acceptingfeelingsvanishorbecomemodified.Byencouragingthechildtoexpressthewayheis
feeling,theparentseesthewholesituationinabrandnewlight.Earlierwepresentedtheincidentofa
childafraidtogotosleep.Themotherwasupsetwithherson'sbedtimestallingandtoldhimsowith
anIMessage.Thechildrespondedbytellingherthathewasafraidtogotosleepforfearofclosing
hismouthandsuffocating.ThismessageimmediatelychangedMother'snonacceptingattitudetoone
ofunderstandingacceptance.
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AnothersituationreportedbyaparentillustrateshowsubsequentActiveListeningcanmodifya
parent's"I"feeling.
FATHER:I'mupsetaboutthedinnerdishesbeingleftinthesink.Didn'tweagreethatyouwouldget
themdonerightafterdinner?
JAN:IfeltsotiredafterdinnerbecauseIstayedupuntilthreeA.m.doingthatresearchpaper.
FATHER:Youjustdidn'tfeellikedoingthedishesrightafterdinner.
JAN:No.SoItookanapuntiltenthirty.IplantodothembeforeIgotobed.Okay?
FATHER:Okaybyme.
OTHERAPPLICATIONSOFIMESSAGES
AnAlternativetoPraise
WhenIfirststartedP.E.T.,IMessageswerepresentedsolelyasaneffectivemethodforconfronting
childrenwhentheirbehaviorwasunacceptable.Manyparentswerepuzzledbythislimiteduseofthe
IMessageandaskedperceptively,"WhynotusetheIMessagetocommunicateyourpositiveor
appreciativefeelingswhenyourkid'sbehaviorisacceptable?"
I'vealwaysbeenambivalentaboutsendingmessagesthatcontainedpositiveevaluations,largely
becauseofmyconvictionthatpraisingkidsisoftenmanipulativeandattimesevendestructivetothe
parentchildrelationship.Myargumentwentsomethinglikethis:
Praisingkidsisoftenmotivatedbytheparent'sintenttogetthemtodowhattheparenthasalready
decidedisbestforthemtodo.Orconversely,parentspraisewiththehopethatthechildwillnotdo
whattheythinkheshouldnotdobutinsteadwillrepeatthe"good"behaviorthat'sbeenrewardedby
theparent'spraise.
Psychologistshaveprovenbeyondanydoubt,inliterallythousandsofexperimentswithhumansand
animals,thatgivingarewardjustaftercertainbehaviorhasoccurredwill"reinforce"thatbehavior
thatis,increasethechancesthatthebehaviorwilloccuragain.Sorewardsdowork.Eachofusgoes
throughliferepeatingbehaviorsthatinthepastbroughtussomekindofreward.It'slogical.Wedo
things,againandagain,becauseinthepasttheyhavesomehowgivenuswhatweneededorwanted
wehavebeenrewarded.
Praise,ofcourse,isonekindofreward.Atleastthat'swhatmostpeoplebelieve.Sowhynotmakea
systematicefforttopraisekidsfor"good"behavior?Whynotalsopunishkidsfor"bad"behavior,
sincewealsohaveproofthatpunishmentextinguishesbehaviorreducestheprobabilityofitsbeing
repeated.ButpunishmentisnotwhatI'mexamininghere(laterI'llhavemoretosayaboutthat).
Noideaismoreentrenchedinparentchildrelationsthanthenotionthatkidsshouldbepraisedfor
"good"behavior.Tomanyparentsitistantamounttoheresytoquestionthisprinciple.Certainlymost
booksandarticlesaboutparenthoodrecommendit.
However,pitfallsheinthepathofparentswhousepraise(andotherformsofreward)asawayof
shapingtheirchildren'sbehavior.First,tobeeffective,praisemustbefeltbythechildasareward.In
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manycases,thisdoesnothappen.Ifaparentpraisesachildforsomeactivity,theparentjudged
"good"butthechilddidnot,thenthepraiseisoftenrejectedordeniedbythechild.
PARENT:You'regettingtobesuchagoodlittleswimmer.
CHILD:I'mnothalfasgoodasLaurie.
PARENT:Honey,youplayedagreatgame.
CHILD:Ididnot,Ifeelhorrible.Ishould'vewon.
Itwasonlynaturaltoask,"IftheIMessageisamoreconstructivewayofmotivatingachildto
modifybehaviorthat'sunacceptabletoparents,coulditalsobeamoreconstructivewayof
communicatingpositivefeelingsappreciation,pleasure,gratitude,relief,thankfulness,happiness?"
UsuallywhenparentspraisetheirchildrenitcomesoutasaYouMessage,almostwithoutexception:
"You'rebeingsuchagoodboy!"
"Youdidagreatjob!"
"Youbehavedsowellattherestaurant!"
"You'redoingsomuchbetterinschool!"
Notethatallthesemessagescontainajudgment,anevaluationofthechild.
ContrastthemwiththesePositiveIMessages:
"Ireallyappreciateyourtakingoutthetrasheventhoughit'smyjobthanksalot!"
"Thanksforpickingupyourbrotherattheairport.Thatsavedmeatrip.Isureappreciateit."
"Whenyouletmeknowwhenyou'llbehome,IfeelrelievedbecausethenIdon'tworryabout
you."
PositiveIMessagesarenotlikelytobeinterpretedasmanipulativeandcontrollingthewaypraise
usuallyisaslongasthesetwoconditionsaremet:
1.Theparentisnotconsciouslytryingtousethemessagestoinfluencethechildtorepeatthe
desiredbehavior(tomodifythechild'sfuturebehavior).
2.Themessageissimplyavehicleforcommunicatingaspontaneouslyexperiencedtemporary
feelingthatis,thefeelingisgenuineandreal,aswellashereandnow.
AddingthisconcepttotheP.E.T.modelprovidesjustificationforparentstosharetheirpositive
feelingswhentheyspontaneouslyfeelappreciative,withouttherisksinherentpraise.Previously,I'm
afraidthatwhenIcautionedparentsagainstpraisingtheirkids,Ileftthempuzzled,frustrated,and
withnoconstructivewayofcommunicatingthepositivefeelings.
HowtoPreventSomeProblems
Whenyou'reexperiencingnoproblemsatallinyourrelationshipwithyourchildren(therelationship
isintheNoProblemAreaoftheBehaviorWindow),youmaywanttosendamessagetopreventan
unacceptablebehaviorinthefuture.
ThepurposeofthesePreventiveIMessagesistoinformkidsaheadoftimeaboutyourplans,needs,
etc.:
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"IneedtofinishacourseI'mtakingonline,soI'dlikeustodiscusshowwecansharethe
computerthisweekend."
"I'dlikeustofigureoutwhatneedstobedonebeforeweleaveforourtrip,sowemakesurewe
havetimetogetitalldone."
"I'dliketoknowwhenwe'rehavingdinnerbecausethere'salongphonecallIwanttomake."
Theseassertivemessagesnaturallywon'talwaysgetparentsexactlywhattheywant,butit'sfarbetter
toletyourkidsknowaheadoftimewhatyouhaveinmindthanwaituntiltheybehaveunacceptably
outofignoranceofyourneeds.APreventiveIMessageintimemightsavenineconfrontations.
AlessobviouseffectofthethiskindofPreventiveIMessageisthatkidslearnthattheirparentsare
human:theyhaveneeds,wants,preferences,andwisheslikeeveryoneelse.And,ofcourse,theygive
kidsachance,withoutbeingtoldexactlywhattodo,tobehavesotheirparentswillbepleased.
Adivorcedmother,raisingherthreeteenagesonsonherown,describedhowshesentapreventive
messagetooneofthem,aboutaschoolevent:
"IfeelDanhasbeenclosertomeIcantellhimwhatIfeel.TheothernightIwenttothisthingat
schoolwherehewasgoingtoplaytheguitarandsing.Hewantedmetogo,butI'dneverbeenbefore,
andIwasfeelinglikeIdidn'twanttobedumpedinthereandleftalone,notknowinganyone.SoI
said,'Dan,I'veneverbeentoyourschoolmeetingbeforeandI'mfeelingjustalittlenervous,you
knowbecauseIdon'tknowanybodyI'dlikeyoutohelpmeoutinthere.'Andhedid!Hetookmein
andintroducedmetoabunchofpeopleIdidn'tknowandbroughtmeacupoftea.Hejustreally
lookedafterme!"
HowIMessagesLeadtoProblemSolving
Nowlet'sreturntothethreepartconfrontationalIMessage.Aproblemthatallparentsencounterin
puttingconfrontationalIMessagestoworkisthatsometimesthechildrefusestomodifyhisbehavior
evenafterhehasunderstoodtheimpactofthatbehavioronhisparents.Sometimeseventheclearest
ofIMessagesdoesnotworkthechilddoesnotchangethebehaviorthatisinterferingwithhis
parents'needs.Thechild'sneedstobehaveinaparticularwayareinconflictwiththeneedsofthe
parentforhimnottobehavethatway.
InP.E.T.,thisiscalledaconflictofneedssituation:Whenitoccurs,asitinevitablydoesinall
relationshipsbetweenpersons,thisistherealmomentoftruthinthatrelationship.
Howsuchconflictofneedssituationsarehandledwillbetheheartofthisbook,beginningwith
Chapter9.
Chapter8ChangingUnacceptableBehavior
byChangingtheEnvironment.
Version2013.04.04
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Notenoughparentstrytochangethebehavioroftheirchildrenbychangingtheirchildren's
surroundings.Environmentalmodificationisusedmorewithinfantsandsmallchildrenthanwith
olderchildrenbecause,askidsgetolder,parentsstartrelyingmoreonverbalmethods,especially
thosethat"putdown"achildorthreatenherwithparentalpowertheyneglectenvironmental
modificationandtrytotalkthechildoutofunacceptablebehavior.Thisisunfortunate,since
environmentalmodificationisoftenverysimpleandextremelyeffectivewithchildrenofallages.
Parentsbeginusingthismethodmoreextensivelyoncetheybecomeawareofitswiderangeof
possibilities:
1.Enrichingtheenvironment.
2.Impoverishingit.
3.Simplifyingit.
4.Restrictingit.
5.Childproofingit.
6.Substitutingoneactivityforanother.
7.Preparingthechildforchangesinherenvironment.
8.Planningaheadwitholderchildren.
ENRICHINGTHEENVIRONMENT
Everygoodnurseryschoolteacher.knowsthatoneeffectivewayofstoppingorpreventing
unacceptablebehavioristoprovidechildrenwithagreatmanyinterestingthingstodoenrichtheir
environmentwithplaymaterials,readingmaterials,games,clay,dolls,puzzles,andsoon.Effective
parents,too,makeuseofthisprinciple:ifchildrenareinvolvedinsomethinginteresting,theyareless
likelyto"getintothings"orpesterparents.
Someofourparentsintraininghavereportedexcellent.resultsfromsettingupaspecialareainthe
garageorinacomerofthebackyardanddesignatingitasaplacewherethe"disfreetodig,pound
buildpaint,mess,andcreate.Theparentsselectaplacewherethechildcandoalmostanythingshe
wantstodowithoutdamaginganything.
Cartripsaretimeswhenkidsespecially"bug"theirparents.Somefamiliesmakecertainthattheir
childrenhaveplaymaterials,games,andpuzzlesthatwillkeepthemfrombecomingboredorrestless.
Mostparentsknowthattheirchildrenarelesslikelytobehaveunacceptablyifarrangementsaremade
tohavefriendsandplaymatescomeovertothehouse.Frequently,twoorthreechildrenwillfindit
easiertofind"acceptable"thingstodothanwillachildalone.
Easelsforpainting,clayformodeling,puppettheatersforputtingonshows,adollfamilyanda
dollhouse,PlayDoh,fingerpaintsforsmearing,funcardgamesallthesecangreatlyreduce
aggressive,restless,ortroublesomebehavior.Toooftenparentsforgetthatchildrenneedinteresting
andchallengingactivitiestokeepthemoccupied,justasadultsdo.
IMPOVERISHINGTHEENVIRONMENT
Attimeschildrenneedanenvironmentwithfewstimuliforexamplejustbeforebedtime.Parents,
especiallyfathers,sometimesoverstimulatetheirchildrenbeforebedtimeormealtimeandthenexpect
themsuddenlytobecomequietandcontrolled.Thesearetimeswhenthechild'senvironmentshould
beimpoverished,notenriched.Muchofthestormandstressthatoccursatthesetimescouldbe
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avoidedifparentsmadeanefforttoreducethestimulationofthechild'senvironment.
SIMPLIFYINGTHEENVIRONMENT
Childrenoftenengagein"unacceptable"behaviorbecausetheirenvironmentistoodifficultand
complexforthemtheypestertheparentforhelp,giveupanactivityentirely,showaggression,throw
thingsonthefloor,whine,runaway,cry.
Thehomeenvironmentneedstobemodifiedinmanywaystomakeiteasierforachildtodothings
forherself,tomanipulateobjectssafely,andtoavoidfrustrationthatcomeswhenshecannotcontrol
herownenvironment.Manyparentsconsciouslymakeanefforttosimplifythechild'senvironment
by:
Buyingclothesthatareeasyforthechildtoputonbyherself.
Providingastoolorboxthechildcanstandontoreachherclothesintheclosetandthe
bathroomfaucet.
Purchasingchildsizedeatingimplements.
Puttingclosethooksatalowlevel.
Buyingunbreakablecupsandglasses.
Nailingadoorhandleonscreendoorslowenoughforthechildtoreach.
Puttingwashablepaintorwallcoveringonthewallsofthechild'sroom.
LIMITINGTHECHILD'SLIFESPACE
Placinganunacceptablybehavingchildinaplaypen,isanattempttolimitthechild's"lifespace"so
thathersubsequentbehaviorswillbeacceptabletotheparent.Fencedinbackyardsareeffectivein
preventingsuchbehaviorasrunningoutintothestreet,walkingthroughtheneighbor'sflowergarden,
gettinglost,andsoon.
Someparentsdesignateaspecialareainthehousewherethechildispermittedtoplaywithclay,to
paint,tocutuppaper,ortoglue,limitingsuchmessyactivitiestothatspecialarea.Specialareascan
alsobedesignatedasplacesforchildrentobenoisy,roughhouse,diginthemud,andsoon.
Childrengenerallyacceptsuchlimitationsoftheirlifespace,providedtheyseemreasonableandleave
childrenconsiderablefreedomtomeettheirownneeds.Sometimesachildwillresistthelimitation
andcauseconflictwiththeparent.(Inthenextchapter,wediscusshowsuchconflictscanbe
resolved.)
Althoughmostparentsremovemedicines,sharpknives,anddangerouschemicalsfromthereachof
children,amorethoroughjobofchildproofingmightincludesuchthingsas:
Turningpothandlestothebackofthestovewhencooking.
Buyingunbreakablecupsandglasses.
Puttingmatchesoutofreach.
Repairingfrayedelectriccordsandplugs.
Keepingthebasementdoorlocked.
Removingexpensivebreakableobjects.
Lockingupsharptools.
Puttingarubbermatinthebathtub.
Makingupstairsscreenssecure.
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Storingslipperythrowrugs.
Eachfamilyshouldconductitsownchildproofinginspection.Withverylittletroublemostparents
canfindmanywaystochildproofthehomemorethoroughlytopreventbehaviorsthatwouldbe
unacceptabletothem.
SUBSTITUTINGONEACTIVITYFORANOTHER
Ifachildisplayingwithasharpknife,offerheradullone.Ifsheisbentonexaminingthecontentsof
yourcosmeticdrawer,givehersomeemptybottlesorcartonstoplaywithonthefloor.Ifsheisabout
toripoutpagesinamagazineyouwishtokeep,giveheroneyoudon'twant.Ifshewantstodraw
withacrayononyourwallpaper,getheralargepieceofwrappingpapertodrawon.
Failuretoofferachildanalternativebeforetakingsomethingawayfromherwillgenerallyproduce
frustrationandtears.Butchildrenfrequentlyacceptasubstitutewithoutfuss,providedtheparent
offersitgentlyandcalmly.
PREPARINGTHECHILDFORCHANGESINTHEENVIRONMENT
Manyunacceptablebehaviorscanbepreventedbypreparingthechildaheadoftimeforchangesin
herenvironment.IfherusualbabysitterisunabletocomeonFriday,starttalkingwiththechildon
Wednesdayaboutthenewbabysitterwhoisgoingtocome.
Ifyouaregoingtospendyourvacationatthebeach,preparethechildweeksaheadforsomeofthe
thingssheisgoingtoencountersleepinginastrangebed,meetingnewfriends,nothavingher
bicyclewithher,thebigwaves,properbehaviorinaboat,andsoon.
Childrenhaveanamazingcapacitytoadjustcomfortablytochanges,ifparentswouldonlydiscuss
thesethingsaheadoftime.Thisholdstrueevenwhenchildrenmayhavetosuffersomepainor
discomfort,asinthecaseofgoingtothedoctortogetshots.Discussingthiswiththemfrankly,even
tellingthemitwillundoubtedlyhurtforasecond,candowonderstohelpthemcopewithsucha
situationwhenitoccurs.
PLANNINGAHEADWITHOLDERCHILDREN
Conflictscanbepreventedbythoughtfullyarrangingtheenvironmentofteenagers,too.Theyalso
needadequatespacefortheirpersonalbelongings,privacy,opportunityforindependentactivity.Here
aresuggestionsfor"enlargingyourareaofacceptance"forolderchildren:
Providethechildwithherownalarmclock.
Provideadequateclosetspacewithnumeroushooks.
Establishamessagecenterinthehome.
Provideachildwithherownpersonalcalendarforrecordingcommitments.
Gooverinstructionsonnewappliancestogether.Informchildrenaheadoftimewhenyou
expectguests,sothattheyknowwhentocleanuptheirrooms.
Provideahousekeyonafunkeyringtheychoose.
Giveallowancemonthly,insteadofweekly,andagreeaheadoftimewhatthingsachildisnot
expectedtopurchaseoutofherallowance.
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Discussinadvancesuchcomplicatedmattersasthecurfew,autoliabilityinsurance,
responsibilityincaseofautoaccidents,useofalcoholanddrugs,andsoon.
Whenateenagerisdoingherownlaundry,makethejobeasierbyhavingallnecessary
equipmentandsuppliesreadilyavailable.
Suggestthatachildalwayscarryaphonecardforanemergencytelephonecall.
Tellachildwhatfoodsintherefrigeratorareearmarkedforguests.
Haveachildwriteoutalistoffriendsandtheirtelephonenumbers,incasethechildhastobe
locatedunexpectedly.
Giveachildadvancenoticewheneverspecialworkneedstobedonetoprepareforcompany.
Encourageachildtoworkoutapersonallistandtimescheduleforthingstodotopreparefora
familytrip.
Encourageachildtoreadthemorningweatherforecastinthepaper(orlistenonTVorradio)
asaguideforwhattoweartoschool.
Tellachildaheadoftimethatbathtimeandbedtimewillbeearlierthannormalbecauseyou
needtoworkathomeonaprojectwithoutinterruption.
Tellchildrenwellinadvancewhenyouaregoingoutoftownsotheycanmaketheirownplans
foractivities.
Teachachildhowtotakephonemessages.
Alwaysknockbeforeenteringachild'sroom.
Includechildrenindiscussionsinvolvingfamilyplansthatwillaffectthem.
Mostparentscanthinkofmanyotherexamplesineachofthesecategories.Themoreparentsuse
environmentalmodification,themoreenjoyablelivingwiththeirchildrencanbeandthelessparents
needtoconfrontthekids.
ParentswhoeventuallylearninP.E.T.torelyheavilyonenvironmentalmodificationfirstgothrough
someratherfundamentalchangesintheirattitudesaboutchildrenandtheirrightsinthehome.Oneof
thesechangeshastodowiththequestion:Whosehomeisit?
Manyparentsinourclassessaytheybelieveitisexclusivelytheirhomethatchildren,therefore,must
betrainedandconditionedtobehaveproperlyandappropriately.Thismeanschildrenmustbemolded
andscoldeduntiltheypainfullylearnwhatisexpectedofthemintheirparents'home.Theseparents
seldomevenconsidermakinganymajormodificationsinthehomeenvironmentwhenachildisborn
intothehome.Theythinkintermsofleavingthehomeexactlyasitwasbeforethechildarrivedand
expectthechildtomakealltheadjustments.
Weaskparentsthisquestion:"Ifyoulearnedtodaythatnextweekyouwillhavetobringoneofyour
ownparentsintoyourhomebecauseshehasbecomepartiallyparalyzedandsometimeshastouse
crutchesandawheelchair,whatchangeswouldyoumakeinyourhome?"
Invariablythisquestiongeneratesalonglistofchangesthatparentswouldreadilymake,suchas:
Dispensewiththrowrugs.
Buildahandrailonthestairs.
Movefurnituretoprovideroomforthewheelchairtopass.
Placesomefrequentlyusedarticlesinlowerkitchencupboardseasytoreach.
Provideherwithaloudbelltoringifsheisintrouble.
Installaphoneextensionforher.
Removetipsytablesthatshemightaccidentallyhitandturnover.
Buildaramponthebackstairssoshecanwheelherselfoutintheyardforsunning.
Purchasearubbermatforthebathtub.
Whenparentsseehowmucheffortwouldgointomodifyingtheirhomefortheirownhandicapped
parent,theybecomemuchmoreacceptingoftheideaofmakingmodificationsforachild.
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Mostparentsarealsoshockedtorecognizethecontrastbetweentheirattitudestowardtheparalyzed
parentandtowardthechildrenwhenitcomestothequestion:"Whosehomeisit?"
Parentssaytheywouldmakerepeatedeffortstoconvincetheirhandicappedparentthattheirhome
wasnowherhome,too.Butnotsowiththeirchildren.
Iamoftenamazedathowmanyparentsshowthroughtheirattitudesandbehaviorthattheytreat
guestswithfargreaterrespectthantheydotheirownchildren.Toomanyparentsactasifchildren
mustdoalltheadjustingtotheirsurroundings.
Chapter9InevitableParentChildConflicts:
WhoShouldWin?
Version2013.04.04
Allparentsencountersituationswhenneitherconfrontationsnorchangesintheenvironmentwill
changethebehavioroftheirchildthechildcontinuestobehaveinawaythatinterfereswiththe
needsoftheparent.Thesesituationsareinevitableintheparentchildrelationshipbecausethechild
"needs"tobehaveinacertainwayeventhoughhehasbeenmadeawarethathisbehavioris
interferingwithhisparent'sneeds.
Ericcontinuestoplayhisvideogameseventhoughhismotherhasrepeatedlytoldhimthe
familyhastoleaveinahalfhour.
Mollyhadanagreementwithherdaughtertocleanupthekitchen,yetwhenMollyarrives
homefromwork,thesinkisfullofdirtydishes.
Madelinerefusestogiveintoherparents'feelingsaboutgoingtothemountainswithagroupof
herfriendsovertheweekend.Shedesperatelywantstogoeventhoughshehearshow
unacceptablethiswouldbetoherparents.
Theseconflictsbetweenneedsoftheparentandneedsofthechildarenotonlyinevitableinevery
familybutareboundtooccurfrequently.Theyrunallthewayfromratherunimportantdifferencesto
criticalfights.Theyareproblemsintherelationshipnotownedsolelybythechildnorsolelybythe
parent.Bothparentandchildareinvolvedintheproblemtheneedsofbothareatstake.SoTHE
RELATIONSHIPOWNSTHEPROBLEM.Thesearetheproblemsthatcomeupwhenother
methodshavenotmodifiedbehaviorthatisunacceptabletotheparent.
ReferringbacktotheBehaviorWindow,here'swhereconflictsintherelationshipfit:
Aconflictisthemomentoftruthinarelationshipatestofitshealth,acrisisthatcanweakenor
strengthenit,acriticaleventthatmaybringlastingresentment,smolderinghostility,psychological
scars.Conflictscanpushpeopleawayfromeachotherorpullthemintoacloserandmoreintimate
uniontheycontaintheseedsofdestructionandtheseedsofgreaterunitytheymaybringabout
armedwarfareordeepermutualunderstanding.
Howconflictsareresolvedisprobablythemostcriticalfactorinparentchildrelationships.
Unfortunately,mostparentstrytoresolvethembyusingonlytwobasicapproaches,bothofwhichare
ineffectiveandharmfultothechildaswellastherelationship.
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Fewparentsacceptthefactthatconflictispartoflifeandnotnecessarilybad.Mostparentslookon
conflictassomethingtoavoidatallcosts,whetherbetweenthemselvesandtheirchildrenorbetween
children.Weoftenhearhusbandsandwivesboastthattheyhaveneverhadaseriousdisagreementas
ifthatmeanstheirshasbeenagoodrelationship.
Parentstelltheirchildren,"Allright,thereistobenofightingtonightatthedinnertablewedon't
wanttospoilourdinner."Ortheyyell,"Stopthatfighting,rightnow!"Parentsofteenagerscanbe
heardlamentingthatnowthattheirchildrenareoldertherearemanymoredisagreementsand
conflictsinthefamily:"Weusedtoseeeyetoeyeonmostthings."Or,"Mydaughterwasalwaysso
cooperativeandeasytohandle,butnowwedon'tseethingsherwayandshecan'tseethingsour
way."
Mostparentshatetoexperienceconflict,aredeeplytroubledwhenitoccurs,andarequiteconfused
abouthowtohandleitconstructively.Actually,itwouldbeararerelationshipifoveraperiodoftime
oneperson'sneedsdidnotconflictwiththeother's.Whenanytwopeople(orgroups)coexist,conflict
isboundtooccurjustbecausepeoplearedifferent,thinkdifferently,havedifferentneedsandwants
thatsometimesdonotmatch.
Conflict,therefore,isnotnecessarilybaditexistsasarealityofanyrelationship.Asamatteroffact,
arelationshipwithnoapparentconflictmaybeunhealthierthanonewithfrequentconflict.Agood
exampleisamarriagewherethewifeissubservienttoadominatinghusband,oraparentchild
relationshipwherethechildissodeathlyafraidofhisparentthathedoesnotdarecrosshiminany
way.
Mostpeoplehaveknownfamilies,especiallylargefamilies,whereconflictcropsupconstantlyand
yetthesefamiliesarewonderfullyhappyandhealthy.Conversely,Ioftenseenewspaperaccountsof
youthswhocommittedcrimesandwhoseparentsindicatecompleteastonishmentthattheirboycould
dosuchathing.Theyneverhadanytroublewithhimhehadalwaysbeensocooperative.
Conflictinafamily,openlyexpressedandacceptedasanaturalphenomenon,isfarhealthierfor
childrenthanmostparentsthink.Insuchfamiliesthechildatleasthasanopportunitytoexperience
conflict,learnhowtocopewithit,andbebetterpreparedtodealwithitinlaterlife.Asnecessary
preparationfortheinevitableconflictsthechildwillencounteroutsideofthehome,familyconflict
mayactuallybebeneficialtothechild,alwaysprovidedthattheconflictinthehomegetsresolved
constructively.
Thisisthecriticalfactorinanyrelationship:howtheconflictsgetresolved,nothowmanyconflicts
occur.Inowbelieveitisthemostcriticalfactorindeterminingwhetherarelationshipwillbehealthy
orunhealthy,mutuallysatisfyingorunsatisfying,friendlyorunfriendly,deeporshallow,intimateor
cold.
THEPARENTCHILDPOWERSTRUGGLE:WHOWINS,WHOLOSES?
Rarelydowefindaparentinourclasseswhodoesnotthinkofconflictresolutionintermsof
someonewinningandsomeonelosing.This"winlose"orientationisattheveryrootofthedilemma
oftoday'sparentswhethertobestrict(parentwins)ortobelenient(childwins).
Mostparentsseethewholeproblemofdisciplineinchildrearingasaquestionofbeingeitherstrictor
lenient,toughorsoft,authoritarianorpermissive.Becausetheyarelockedintothiseitherorapproach
todiscipline,theyseetheirrelationshipwiththeirchildrenasapowerstruggle,acontestofwills,a
fighttoseewhowinsawar.Today'sparentsandtheirchildrenareliterallyatwar,eachthinkingin
termsofsomeonewinningandsomeonelosing.Theyeventalkabouttheirstruggleinmuchthesame
wayastwonationsatwar.
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OnefatherillustratedthisclearlyinaP.E.T.classwhenheforcefullystated:
"Youhavetostartearlylettingthemknowwho'sboss.Otherwise,they'lltakeadvantageofyou
anddominateyou.That'sthetroublewithmywifeshealwaysendsuplettingthekidswinall
thebattles.Shegivesinallthetimeandthekidsknowit."
Themotherofateenagertellsitinherwords:
"Itrytoletmychilddowhathewants,butthenusuallyIsuffer.Igetwalkedon.Yougivehim
aninchandhetakesamile."
Anothermotherisconvincedthatsheisnotgoingtolosethe"battleofthetattoo"!
"Idon'tcarehowshefeelsaboutit,anditdoesn'tmakeanydifferencetomewhattheother
parentsdonodaughterofmineisgoingtogetatattoo!Here'sonethingIamnotgoingtoback
downon.Iamgoingtowinthisfight."
Children,too,seetheirrelationshipwithparentsasawinlosepowerstruggle.Cathy,abrightfifteen
yearold,whoisworryingherparentsbecauseshewon'ttalktothem,toldmeinoneofour
interviews:
"What'stheuseofarguing?Theyalwayswin.Iknowthatbeforeweevergetintoanargument.
They'realwaysgoingtogettheirway.Afterall,they'retheparents.Theyalwaysknowthey're
right.So,nowIjustdon'tgetintoarguments.Iwalkawayanddon'ttalktothem.Courseitbugs
themwhenIdothat.ButIdon'tcare."
Ken,amiddleschoolstudent,haslearnedtocopewiththewinloseattitudeofhisparentsina
differentway:
"IfIreallywanttodosomething,Inevergotomymom,'causethefirstthingshesaysis'No.'I
waituntilDadcomeshome.Icanusuallygethimtotakemyside.He'seasier,andIusuallyget
whatIwantwithhim."
Whenconflictarisesbetweenparentsandchildren,mostparentstrytoresolveitintheirfavorsothat
theparentwinsandthechildloses.Others,somewhatfewerinnumberthanthe"winners,"
consistentlygiveintotheirchildrenoutoffearofconflictorfrustratingtheirchildren'sneeds.Inthese
familiesthechildwinsandtheparentloses.Themajordilemmaofparentstodayisthattheyseeonly
thesewinloseapproaches.
TheTwoWinLoseApproaches
InP.E.T.werefertothetwo"winlose"approachestoconflictresolutionsimplyasMethod1and
Method2.Eachinvolvesonepersonwinningandtheotherlosingonegetshiswayandtheother
doesnot.HereishowMethod1operatesinparentchildconflicts:
Parentandchildencounteraconflictofneedssituation.Theparentdecideswhatthesolution
shouldbe.Havingselectedthesolution,theparentannouncesitandhopesthechildwillaccept
it.Ifthechilddoesnotlikethesolution,theparentmayfirstusepersuasiontotrytoinfluence
thechildtoacceptthesolution.Ifthisfails,theparentusuallytriestogetcomplianceby
employingpowerandauthority.
ThefollowingconflictbetweenafatherandhistenyearolddaughterwasresolvedbyMethod1:
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JANE:Bye.I'mofftoschool.
PARENT:Honey,it'srainingandyoudon'thaveyourcoaton.
JANE:Idon'tneedit.
PARENT:Youdon'tneedit!You'llgetwetandmightcatchacold.
JANE:It'snotrainingthathard.
PARENT:Itistoo.
JANE:Well,Idon'twanttowearthatcoat.Ihatetowearacoat.
PARENT:Now,honey,youknowyou'llbemuchwarmeranddrierifyouwearit.Pleasegogetit.
JANE:IhatethatcoatIwon'twearit!
PARENT:Youmarchrightbacktoyourroomandgetthatcoat!Iwillnotletyougotoschool
withoutitonadaylikethis.
JANE:ButIdon'tlikeit...
PARENT:No"buts"ifyoudon'twearitIwillhavetogroundyou.
JANE(angrily):Allright,youwin!I'llwearthestupidcoat!
Thefathergothisway.HissolutionthatJanewearhercoatprevailed,althoughJanedidnotwantto.
TheparentwonandJanelost.Janewasnotatallhappywiththesolution,butshesurrenderedinthe
faceofherparent'sthreattousepower(punishment).
HereishowMethod2operatesinparentchildconflicts:
Parentandchildencounteraconflictofneedssituation.Theparentmayormaynothavea
preconceivedsolution.Ifhedoes,hemaytrytopersuadethechildtoacceptit.Itbecomesobvious
thatthechildhashisownsolutionandisattemptingtopersuadetheparenttoacceptit.Iftheparent
resists,thechildmightthentrytousehispowertogetcompliancefromtheparent.Intheendthe
parentgivesin.
Inthecoatconflict,Method2wouldworklikethis:
JANE:Bye.I'mofftoschool.
PARENT:Honey,it'srainingandyoudon'thaveyourcoaton.
JANE:Idon'tneedit.
PARENT:Youdon'tneedit!You'llgetwetandmightcatchacold.
JANE:It'snotrainingthathard.
PARENT:Itistoo.
JANE:Well,Idon'twanttowearthatcoat.Ihatewearingacoat.
PARENT:Iwantyouto.
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JANE:IhatethatcoatIwon'twearit.Youcan'tmakeme.
PARENT:Oh,Igiveup!Goontoschoolwithoutit,Idon'twanttoarguewithyouanymoreyou
win.
Janewasabletogetherownwayshewonandherparentlost.Theparentcertainlywasnothappy
withthesolution,yethesurrenderedinthefaceofJane'sthreattouseherpower(inthiscase,being
madatherfather).
Method1andMethod2havesimilaritieseventhoughtheoutcomesaretotallydifferent.Inboth,each
personwantshisownwayandtriestopersuadetheothertoacceptit.Theattitudeofeachpersonin
bothmethodsis"IwantmywayandI'mgoingtofighttogetit."InMethod1,theparentis
inconsiderateanddisrespectfuloftheneedsofthechild.
InMethod2,thechildisinconsiderateanddisrespectfuloftheneedsoftheparent.Inboth,onegoes
awayfeelingdefeated,usuallyangryattheotherforcausingthedefeat.Bothmethodsinvolvea
powerstruggle,andtheadversariesarenotloathtousetheirpoweriftheyfeelitwillbenecessaryin
ordertowin.
ParentswhorelyonMethod1toresolveconflictspayaseverepricefor"winning."Theoutcomesof
Method1arequitepredictablelowmotivationforthechildtocarryoutthesolution,resentment
towardhisparents,difficultiesfortheparentinenforcement,noopportunityforthechildtodevelop
selfdiscipline.
Whenaparentimposeshissolutiontoaconflict,thechildwillhaveverylittlemotivationordesireto
carryoutthatdecisionbecausehehasnoinvestmentinithewasgivennovoiceinmakingit.
Whatevermotivationthechildmayhaveisextrinsicoutsidehimself.Hemaycomply,butoutoffear
ofparentalpunishmentordisapproval.Thechilddoesnotwanttocarryoutthedecision,hefeels
compelledto.ThisiswhychildrensooftenlookforwaystogetoutofcarryingoutaMethod1
solution.Iftheycannotgetoutofit,theyusually"gothroughthemotions"andcarryitoutwith
minimaleffort,barelydoingwhatwasrequiredandnomore.
ChildrengenerallyfeelresentfultowardtheirparentswhenMethod1decisionshavemadethemdo
something.Itfeelsunfairtothem,andtheirangerandresentmentnaturallyaredirectedtotheparents,
whomtheyfeeltoberesponsible.ParentswhouseMethod1sometimesgetcomplianceand
obedience,butthepricetheypayistheirchildren'shostility.
ObservechildrenwhoseparentshavejustresolvedaconflictbyMethod1theyalmostinvariably
showresentmentandangerintheirfacesorsaysomethinghostile,ortheymayevenphysically
assaulttheirparents.Method1sowstheseedsforacontinuouslydeterioratingrelationshipbetween
theparentandchild.Resentmentandhatereplaceloveandaffection.
ParentspayanotherheavypriceforusingMethod1:theygenerallyhavetospendalotoftime
enforcingthedecision,checkingtoseethatthechildiscarryingitout,nagging,reminding,prodding.
ParentswhocometoP.E.T.oftendefendtheiruseofMethod1onthegroundthatitisafastwayto
resolveconflict.Thisadvantageisfrequentlymoreapparentthanreal,becauseittakessomuchofthe
parent'stimeafterwardtomakecertainthedecisioniscarriedout.Parentswhosaythatthey
constantlyhavetonagtheirchildrenareinvariablytheoneswhouseMethod1.Icouldnotcounthow
manyconversationsIhavehadwithparentsthataresimilartothisonethatoccurredinmyoffice:
PARENT:Ourchildrenarenotcooperativearoundthehouse.It'slikepullingteethtogetthemto
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help.EverySaturdayit'sabattlegettingthemtodotheworkthathastobedone.Weliterallyhaveto
standoverthemtoseethattheworkgetsdone.
COUNSELOR:Howisitdecidedwhatworkhastobedone?
PARENT:Well,wedecide,ofcourse.Weknowwhathastobedone.WemakealistonSaturday
morning,andthekidsseethelistandknowwhathastobedone.
COUNSELOR:Dothekidswanttodothework?
PARENT:Heavens,no!
COUNSELOR:Theyfeeltheyhavetodoit.
PARENT:That'sright.
COUNSELOR:Havethekidseverbeengivenachancetoparticipateindeterminingwhathastobe
done?Dotheyhaveavoiceindeterminingwhatworkneedsdoing?
PARENT:NO.
COUNSELOR:Havetheyeverbeengivenachancetodecidewhoistodowhat?
PARENT:No,weusuallyparceloutthedifferentjobsasevenlyaswecan.
COUNSELOR:Soyoumakethedecisionaboutwhathastobedoneandwhohastodoit?
PARENT:That'sright.
Fewparentsseetheconnectionbetweentheirchildren'slackofmotivationtohelpandthefactthat
decisionsaboutchoresaregenerallymadebyMethod1.An"uncooperative"childissimplyachild
whoseparents,throughMethod1decisionmaking,haveineffectdeniedhimachancetocooperate.
Cooperationisneverfosteredbymakingachilddosomething.
AnotherpredictableoutcomeofMethod1isthatthechildisdeniedtheopportunitytodevelopself
disciplineinnerdirected,selfinitiated,responsiblebehavior.Oneofthemostuniversallyaccepted
mythsaboutchildrearingisthatifparentsforcetheiryoungchildrentodothings,theywillturnout
tobeselfdisciplinedandresponsiblepersons.Whileitistruethatsomechildrencopewithheavy
parentalauthoritybybeingobedient,conforming,andsubmissive,theyusuallyturnouttobepersons
whodependuponexternalauthoritytocontroltheirbehavior.Asadolescentsoradults,theyshowan
absenceofinnercontrolstheygothroughlifejumpingfromoneauthorityfiguretothenexttofind
answerstotheirlivesorseekcontrolsontheirbehavior.Thesepeoplelackselfdiscipline,inner
controls,orselfresponsibilitybecausetheywerenevergivenachancetoacquirethesetraits.
Ifparentscouldlearnonlyonethingfromthisbook,Iwishitwerethis:Eachandeverytimethey
forceachildtodosomethingbyusingtheirpowerorauthority,theydenythatchildachancetolearn
selfdisciplineandselfresponsibility.
Charles,aseventeenyearoldsonoftwoverystrictparentswhousedtheirpowerconstantlytoget
Charlestodohishomework,madethisadmission:
"Whenevermyparentsarenotaround,Ifinditimpossibletopullmyselfoutofthechairin
frontoftheTVset.Iamsousedtotheirmakingmegodomyhomework,Icannotfindwithin
myselfanypowertomakemegodoitwhentheyarenotathome."
Iamalsoremindedofthepatheticmessagescrawledinlipstickonthebathroommirrorbythechild
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murdererWilliamHeirensofChicago,afterhehadjustkilledstillanotherofhisvictims:"FOR
HEAVEN'SSAKE,CATCHMEBEFOREIKILLMORE."
MostparentsinourP.E.T.classeshaveneverhadtheopportunitytoexaminecriticallythese
outcomesoftheir"strictness."Mostofthemthinktheyhavebeendoingwhatparentsaresupposedto
dousingtheirauthority.Yet,oncetheyarehelpedtoseetheeffectsofMethod1,itisarareparent
whodoesnotacceptthesetruths.Afterall,parentswereoncechildrenwhothemselvesdeveloped
thesesamehabitsofcopingwiththeirownparents'power.
Whatdoesitdotochildrentogrowupinahomewheretheyusuallywinandtheirparentslose?What
aretheeffectsonchildrenoftheirgenerallygettingtheirway?Obviouslythesechildrenwillbe
differentfromthoseinhomeswhereMethod1istheprincipalmethodofconflictresolution.Children
whoareallowedtogettheirwaywillnotbeasrebellious,hostile,dependent,aggressive,submissive,
conforming,withdrawing,andsoon.Theyhavenothadtodevelopwaystocopewithparentalpower.
Method2encouragesthechildtousehispoweroverhisparentstowinattheirexpense.
Thesechildrenlearnhowtothrowtempertantrumstocontroltheparenthowtomaketheparentfeel
guiltyhowtosaynasty,deprecatingthingstotheirparents.Suchchildrenareoftenwild,
uncontrolled,unmanageable,impulsive.Theyhavelearnedthattheirneedsaremoreimportantthan
anyoneelse's.They,too,oftenlackinnercontrolsontheirbehaviorandbecomeveryselfcentered,
selfish,demanding.
Thesechildrenoftendonotrespectotherpeople'spropertyorfeelings.Lifetothemisget,get,get
take,take,take."I"comesfirst:Suchchildrenareseldomcooperativeorhelpfularoundthehouse.
Thesechildrenoftenhaveseriousdifficultiesintheirpeerrelationships.Otherchildrendislike
"spoiledkids"theyfindthemunpleasanttobearound.ChildrenfromhomeswhereMethod2
predominatesaresoaccustomedtogettingtheirwaywiththeirparentsthattheywanttogettheirway
withotherchildren,too.
Thesechildrenalsofrequentlyhavedifficultyadjustingtoschool,aninstitutionwhosephilosophyis
predominantlyMethod1.ChildrenaccustomedtoMethod2areinforarudeshockwhentheyenter
theworldofschoolanddiscoverthatmostteachersandprincipalsaretrainedtoresolveconflictsby
Method1,backedupwithauthorityandpower.
ProbablythemostseriouseffectofMethod2isthatchildrenoftendevelopdeepfeelingsofinsecurity
abouttheirparents'love.Itiseasytounderstandthisreactionwhenoneconsidershowdifficultitis
forparentstofeellovingandacceptingtowardachildwhousuallywinsattheexpenseoftheparent.
InMethod1homesresentmentradiatesfromchildtoparentinMethod2homesfromparenttochild.
ThechildofMethod2sensesthathisparentsarefrequentlyresentful,irritated,andangryathim.
Whenhelatergetssimilarmessagesfromhispeersandprobablyotheradults,itisnowonderhe
beginstofeelunlovedbecause,ofcourse,sooftenheisunlovedbyothers.
WhilesomestudieshaveshownthatchildrenfromMethod2homesarelikelytobemorecreative
thanchildrenfromMethod1homes,parentspayadearpriceforhavingcreativechildrenthey
frequentlycannotstandthem.
ParentssuffergreatlyintheMethod2home.ThesearethehomesinwhichIhavefrequentlyheard
parentssay:
"Hegetshisownwaymostofthetime,andyoujustcan'tcontrolhim."
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"I'llbegladwhenthechildrenareallinschoolsoIcanhavesomepeace."
"ParenthoodissuchaburdenIspendallmytimedoingthingsforthem."
"Imustsay,sometimesIjustcan'tstandthemIjusthavetogetaway."
"TheyseldomseemtorealizethatI'vegotalife,too."
"SometimesandIfeelguiltysayingthisIwishIcouldshipthemofftosomeoneelse."
"I'msoashamedtotakethemanywhereorevenhavefriendscometoourhomeandseethose
children."
ParenthoodforMethod2parentsisseldomajoyhowunfortunateandsaditistoraisechildrenyou
cannotlove,orhatetoassociatewith.
SomeAdditionalProblemswithMethod1andMethod2
FewparentsuseeitherMethod1orMethod2exclusively.Inmanyhomesoneparentwillrelyheavily
onMethod1whiletheotherparentleanstowardMethod2.Thereissomeevidencethatchildren
broughtupinthistypeofhomehaveanevengreaterchanceofdevelopingseriousemotional
problems.Perhapstheinconsistencyismoreharmfulthantheextremeofoneapproachortheother.
SomeparentsstartoutusingMethod2,butasthechildgrowsolderandbecomesmoreofan
independentandselfdirectingpersontheygraduallyshifttoMethod1.Obviously,itcanbeharmful
tothechildtogetusedtohavinghisownwaymostofthetimeandthenstarttoexperienceareversal.
OtherparentsstartoutusingmostlyMethod1andgraduallyshifttoMethod2.Thisisespecially
frequentwhenparentshaveachildwhoearlyinliferesistsandrebelsagainstparentalauthority
graduallytheparentsgiveupandbegintogiveintothechild.
TherearealsoparentswhorelyonMethod1withtheirfirstchildandswitchtoMethod2withtheir
second,hopingthatthiswillworkbetter.Inthesehomes,oneoftenhearsthefirstchildexpressstrong
resentmenttowardthesecond,whoisallowedtogetbywiththingsthatthefirstchildwasnot.
Sometimesthefirstchildthinksthisisevidencethattheparentsstronglyfavorthesecondchild.
Oneofthemostcommonpatterns,particularlyamongparentswhohavebeenstronglyinfluencedby
theadvocatesofpermissivenessandtheopponentsofpunishment,isforparentstoletachildwinfor
longperiodsoftimeuntilhisbehaviorbecomessoobnoxiousthattheparentsmoveinabruptlywith
Method1.ThentheyfeelguiltyandgraduallymovebacktoMethod2,andthenthecyclestartsall
overagain.Oneparentexpressedthisclearly:
"IampermissivewithmychildrenuntilIcan'tstandthem.ThenIbecomestrongly
authoritarianuntilIcan'tstandmyself."
Manyparents,however,arelockedintoeitherMethod1orMethod2.Byconvictionortradition,a
parentmaybeastrongMethod1advocate.Hediscoversfromhisexperiencethatthismethoddoes
notworkverywellandmayevenfeelguiltyaboutbeingaMethod1parenthedoesnotlikehimself
whenheisrestrictive,dominating,andpunishing.YettheonlyalternativeheknowsisMethod2
lettingthechildwin.Intuitivelythisparentknowsthatwouldbenobetterormaybeevenworse.Sohe
stubbornlystickswithhisMethod1,eveninthefaceofevidencethathischildrenaresufferingfrom
thisapproachorthattherelationshipisdeteriorating.
MostMethod2parentsareunwillingtoswitchtoanauthoritarianapproachbecausetheyare
philosophicallyopposedtousingauthoritywithchildrenorbecausetheirownpersonalitieswillnot
permitthemtoexercisethenecessarystrengthortoexperienceconflict.Ihaveknownmanymothers,
andevenafewfathers,whofindMethod2morecomfortablebecausetheyareafraidofconflictwith
theirchildren(andusuallywithanyoneelse,too).Suchparents,ratherthanruntheriskofexercising
theirownwillovertheirchildren,taketheapproachof"peaceatanyprice"givingup,appeasement,
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andsurrender.
ThedilemmaofalmostallparentsseemstobethattheyarelockedintoeitherMethod1orMethod2,
oroscillatebetweenthetwo,becausetheyknowofnootheralternativetothesetwoineffective"win
lose"methods.Wefindthatmostparentsnotonlyknowwhichmethodtheyusemostfrequentlythey
alsorealizebothmethodsareineffective.Itisasiftheyknowtheyareintrouble,whichevermethod
theyuse,butdonotknowwhereelsetheycanturn.Mostofthemaregratefultobereleasedfromtheir
selfimposedtrap.
Chapter10ParentalPower:Necessaryand
Justified?
Version2013.04.04
Oneofthemostuniversallyentrenchedbeliefsaboutchildrearingisthatitisnecessaryanddesirable
forparentstousetheirauthoritytocontrol,direct,andtrainchildren.Fewparents,judgingfromthe
thousandsinourclasses,everquestionthisidea.Mostparentsarequicktojustifytheiruseof
authority.Theysaythatchildrenneedit,andwantitorsaythatparentsarewiser."Fatherknows
best"isafirmlyrootedbelief.
Thestubbornpersistenceoftheideathatparentsmustandshoulduseauthorityindealingwith
childrenhas,inmyopinion,preventedforcenturiesanysignificantchangeorimprovementintheway
childrenareraisedbyparents,andtreatedbyadults.Thisideapersistsbecauseparentsalmost
universallydonotunderstandwhatauthorityactuallyis,orwhatitdoestochildren.Allparentstalk
easilyaboutauthority,butveryfewparentscandefineit,oridentifythesourceoftheirauthority.
WHATISAUTHORITY?
Oneofthebasiccharacteristicsoftheparentchildrelationshipisthis:parentshavegreater
"psychologicalsize"thanthechild.Ifweweretotrytorepresentparentandchildbydrawinganoval
foreach,itwouldbeinaccuratetodrawtheovalslikethisofsimilarsizes.
Asthechildseesit,theparentdoesnothaveequal"size,"nomatterwhattheageofthechild.Iamnot
referringtophysicalsize(thoughaphysicalsizedifferentialispresentuntilchildrenreach
adolescence).Iamreferring,rather,to"psychologicalsize."Amoreaccuraterepresentationofthe
parentchildrelationshipwouldlooklikethistheovalforthechildbeingsmallerthattheovalforthe
parent.
Asseenbyachild,theparentalmostalwayshasgreater"psychologicalsize"thanshe,whichhelpsto
explainsuchexpressionsas"BigDaddy,""Thebigboss,""Mymotherloomedlargeinmylife,""He
wasabigmantome,"or"Ididnotmissanopportunitytocutmyparentsdowntosize."
Toquotefromathemewrittenbyatroubledyoungmaninhiscollegecompositionclassandlater
sharedwithmewhenIwashiscounselor:
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"Beingbutasmallchild,Ilookedtowardmyparentsmuchasagrownmanlookstoward
God...."
Toallchildren,theirparentsarefirstseenasgodsofasort.
This"psychologicalsize"differentialexistsnotonlybecausechildrenseetheirparentsasbiggerand
stronger,butalsoasmoreknowledgeable,morecompetent.Totheyoungchildthereseemstobe
nothingherparentsdonotknow,andnothingtheycannotdo.Shemarvelsatthebreadthoftheir
understanding,theaccuracyoftheirpredictions,andthewisdomoftheirjudgment.
Whilesomeoftheseperceptionsmayattimesbeaccurate,othertimestheyarenot.Childrenattribute
manytraits,characteristics,andcapabilitiestotheirparentsthatarenotbasedonrealityatall.Few
parentsknowasmuchasyoungchildrenthinktheydo.Experienceisnotalways"thebestteacher,"as
thechildwilllaterconcludewhenshebecomesanadolescentandanadultandcanjudgeherparents
againstabroaderbaseofherownexperience.Andwisdomisnotalwaysrelatedtoage.Manyparents
finditdifficulttoadmit,butthosewhoaremorehonestwiththemselvesrecognizehowexaggerated
arechildren'sevaluationsofMomandDad.
Whilethecardsarestackedinfavoroftheparents'fargreaterpsychologicalsizetobeginwith,many
mothersandfathersfosterthedifference.Theydeliberatelyhidetheirlimitationsandtheirmistakesin
judgmentfromtheirchildrenortheparentspromotesuchmythsas"Weknowwhatisbestforyou",
or"Whenyouareolder,youwillrealizehowrightwewere."
Ihavealwaysbeenintriguedtoobservethatwhenparentstalkabouttheirownmothersandfathers,
theyreadilyseeinretrospecttheirparents'mistakesandlimitationsyettheywillstronglyresistthe
notionthattheythemselvesaresubjecttothesamekindsoferrorsofjudgmentandlackofwisdomin
relationtotheirownchildren.
Howeverundeserved,parentsdoassumegreaterpsychologicalsizeandthisisanimportantsourceof
parentalpoweroverthechild.Becauseparentsareseenassuch"authorities,"theirattemptsto
influencethechildcarryagreatdealofweight.Itmightbehelpfultothinkofthisas"assigned
authority"becausethechildassignsittotheparent.Whetheritisdeservedornotisirrelevantthefact
isthat"psychologicalsize"givestheparentinfluenceandpoweroverthechild.
Anentirelydifferentkindofpowercomesfromtheparentpossessingcertainthingsneededbyher
children.Thisalsogivesherauthorityoverthem.Aparenthaspoweroverherchildrenbecausethey
aresodependentuponhertosatisfytheirbasicneeds.Childrencomeintotheworldalmost
completelydependentonothersfornourishmentandphysicalcomfort.Theydonotpossessthemeans
forsatisfyingneeds.Themeansarepossessedandcontrolledbyparents:
Asthechildgrowsolder,andifsheispermittedtobecomemoreindependentofherparents,their
powernaturallydiminishes.Yetatanyage,uptothetimethechildmovesintoindependentadulthood
andiscapableofsatisfyingherbasicneedsalmostentirelythroughherownefforts,herparentshave
somedegreeofpoweroverher.
Possessingthemeansforsatisfyingthebasicneedsofthechild,aparenthasthepowerofbeing
"rewarding"toachild.Psychologistsusetheterm"rewards"forwhatevermeansarepossessedbythe
parenttosatisfytheneedsofthechild(beingrewardingtoher).Ifachildishungry(hasaneedfor
food)andtheparentprovidesabottleofmilk,wesaythechildisrewarded(herhungerneedis
satisfied).
Theparentalsopossessesthemeansforcausingpainordiscomfortforthechild,eitherthrough
withholdingwhatsheneeds(notfeedingachildwhoishungry)ordoingsomethingthatproduces
painordiscomfort(slappingthechild'shandwhenshereachesforherbrother'sglassofmilk).
Psychologistsusetheterm"punishment"fortheoppositeofreward.
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Anyparentknowsshecancontrolasmallchildbyusingpower.Throughcarefulmanipulationof
rewardsandpunishment,theparentcanencouragethechildtobehaveincertainwaysordiscourage
herfrombehavinginotherways.
Weallknowfromourownexperiencethathumans(andanimals)tendtorepeatbehaviorthatbrings
reward(satisfiesaneed),andtoavoidordiscardbehaviorthateitherisnotrewardingorisactually
punished.Soaparentcan"reinforce"certainbehaviorbyrewardingthechild,and"extinguish"other
behaviorbypunishing.
Supposeyouwantyourchildtoplaywithhertoycarsanddonotwanthertoplaywiththeexpensive
glassfigurinesonthecoffeetable.Toreinforceplayingwithtoycarsbehavioryoumightsitdown
withherwhensheisplayingwiththecars,smile,andbepleasantorsay,"That'sagoodgirl."To
extinguishherplayingwithglassfigurinesbehavioryoumightslapherhand,smackherbottom,
frown,lookunpleasant,orsay,"That'sabadgirl."Thechildwillquicklylearnthatplayingwithtoy
carswillyieldpleasantrelationswiththeparentpower.Playingwithglassfigurineswillnot.
Thisiswhatparentsoftendotomodifythebehaviorofchildren.Theyusuallycallit"trainingthe
child."Actually,theparentisusingherpowertogetthechildtodosomethingtheparentwantsherto
doortopreventthechildfromdoingwhattheparentdoesn'twant.Thesamemethodisusedbydog
trainerstoteachobedienceandbycircuspeopletoteachbearstoridebicycles.Ifatrainerwantsadog
toheel,sheputsaropearoundtheanimal'sneckandstartswalking,holdingontotheotherendofthe
rope.Then,shesays,"Heel."Ifthedogdoesn'tstayclosetothetrainerhereceivesapainfuljerkathis
neck(punishment).Ifhedoesheel,hegetspatted(reward).Thedogsoonlearnstoheelupon
command.
Noquestionaboutit:powerworks.Childrencanbetrainedthiswaytoplaywithtoycarsratherthan
expensiveglassfigurines,dogstoheeloncommand,andbearstoridebicycles(evenunicycles,
amazingly).
Ataveryyoungage,afterbeingrewardedandpunishedenoughtimes,childrencanbecontrolledjust
bypromisingthemtheywillberewardediftheybehaveinaparticularway,orthreateningthemwith
futurepunishmentiftheybehaveinanundesirableway.Thepotentialadvantagesofthisareobvious:
theparentdoesnothavetowaituntilthedesiredbehavioroccursinordertorewardit(reinforceit),
norwaituntiltheundesiredbehavioroccursinordertopunishit(extinguishit).Shenowcan
influencethechildmerelybysayingineffect,"Ifyoubehaveonewayyou'llgetmyrewardifyou
behaveanotherway,you'llgetmypunishment.
SERIOUSLIMITATIONSOFPARENTALPOWER
Ifthereaderisthinkingthattheparent'spowertorewardandpunish(ortopromiserewardand
threatenpunishment)lookslikeaneffectivewayofcontrollingchildren,shewillberightinone
sense,andverywronginanother:Theuseofparentalauthority(orpower),seeminglyeffectiveunder
certainconditions,isquiteineffectiveunderotherconditions.(Later,Iwillexamineactualdangersof
parentalpower).
Many,ifnotmost,ofthesesideeffectsareunfortunate.Childrenoftenbecomecowed,fearful,and
nervousasaresultof"obediencetraining"oftenturnontheirtrainerswithhostilityandvengeance
andoftenbreakdownphysicallyoremotionallyunderthestressoftryingtolearnbehaviorthatis
eitherdifficultorunpleasantforthem.Theuseofpowercanproducemanyharmfuleffectsaswellas
risksforthetrainerofanimalsorchildren.
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ParentsInevitablyRunOutofPower
Usingpowertocontrolchildrenworksonlyunderspecialconditions.Theparentmustbesureto
possessthepowertherewardshavetobeattractiveenoughtobewantedbythechildandthe
punishmentshavetobepotentenoughtowarrantavoidance.Thechildmustbedependentuponthe
parentthemorethechilddependsonwhattheparentpossesses(rewards),themorepowertheparent
has.
Thisistrueinallhumanrelationships.IfIneedsomethingverybadlysaymoneytobuyfoodformy
childrenandImustdependsolelyonanotherpersonformoneyprobablymyemployer,then
obviouslyhewillhaveagreatdealofpoweroverme.IfIamdependentonthisoneemployer,Iwill
beinclinedtodoalmostanythinghewantsinordertoinsuregettingwhatIneedsodesperately.Buta
personhaspoweroveranotheronlyaslongasthesecondisinapositionofweakness,want,need,
deprivation,helplessness,dependency.
Asachildbecomeslesshelpless,lessdependentupontheparentforwhatsheneeds,theparent
graduallylosespower.Thisiswhyparentsdiscovertotheirdismaythatrewardsandpunishmentthat
workedwhentheirchildwasyounger,becomelesseffectiveasshegrowsolder.
"We'velostourinfluenceoverourson,"aparentcomplains."Heusedtorespectourauthority,but
nowwejustcan'tcontrolhim."Anothersays,"Ourdaughterhasbecomesoindependentofuswe
havenowayofmakingherlistentous."AfatherofasixteenyearoldboytoldhisP.E.T.classhow
impotenthefelt:
"Wehavenothingtouseanymoretobackupourauthorityexceptthefamilycar.Eventhat
doesn'tworktoowell,becausehetookourcarkeyandhadonemadeforhimself.Whenwe're
nothome,hesneaksoffwiththecaranytimehefeelslikeit.Nowthatwedon'thaveanything
leftthathereallyneeds,Ican'tpunishhimanymore."
Theseparentsexpressedfeelingsthatmostparentsexperienceastheirchildrenbegintogrowoutof
theirdependency.Thisinevitablyoccursaschildrenapproachadolescence.Nowtheycanacquire
manyrewardsfromtheirownactivities(school,sports,friends,achievements).Theyalsobeginto
figureoutwaystoavoidtheirparents'punishments.Inthosefamilieswheretheparentshaverelied
principallyonpowertocontrolanddirecttheirchildrenthroughouttheirearlyyears,theparents
inevitablycomeinforarudeshockwhentheirpowerrunsoutandtheyareleftwithlittleorno
influence.
TheTeenYears
Iamnowconvincedthatmosttheoriesaboutthe"stressandstrainofadolescence"havefocused
incorrectlyonsuchfactorsasadolescents'physicalchanges,theiremergingsexuality,theirnewsocial
demands,theirstrugglebetweenbeingachildandanadult,andsoon.Thisperiodisdifficultfor
childrenandparentslargelybecauseadolescentsbecomesoindependentoftheirparentsthattheycan
nolongerbeeasilycontrolledbyrewardsandpunishments.Andsincemostparentsrelysoheavilyon
rewardsandpunishment,adolescentsreactwithmuchindependent,resistive,rebellious,hostile
behavior.
Parentsassumethatadolescentrebellionandhostilityareinevitablyafunctionofthisstageof
development.Ithinkthisisnotvaliditismorethatadolescentsbecomemoreabletoresistandrebel.
Theyarenolongercontrolledbytheirparents'rewardsbecausetheydon'tneedthemsomuchand
theyareimmunetothreatsofpunishmentbecausethereislittleparentscandotogivethempainor
strongdiscomfort.Thetypicaladolescentbehavesasshedoesbecauseshehasacquiredenough
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strengthandresourcestosatisfyherownneedsandenoughofherownpowersothatsheneednotfear
thepowerofherparents.
Anadolescent,therefore,doesnotrebelagainstherparents.Sherebelsagainsttheirpower.Ifparents
wouldrelylessonpowerandmoreonnonpowermethodstoinfluencetheirchildrenfrominfancy
on,therewouldbelittleforchildrentorebelagainstwhentheybecomeadolescents.Theuseofpower
tochangethebehaviorofchildren,then,hasthisseverelimitation:parentsinevitablyrunoutof
power,andsoonerthantheythink.
TrainingbyPowerRequiresStrictConditions
Usingrewardandpunishmenttoinfluenceachildhasanotherseriouslimitation:itrequiresvery
controlledconditionsduringthe"training."
Psychologistswhostudythelearningprocessbytraininganimalsinthelaboratoryhavegreat
difficultywiththeir"subjects"unlessthemoststrictconditionsprevail.Manyoftheserequirements
areexceedinglydifficulttomeetintrainingchildrenthroughrewardsandpunishment.Mostparents,
everyday,violateoneormoreofthe"rules"foreffective"training."
1.The"subject"mustbehighlymotivatedshemusthaveastrongneedto"workforthe
reward."Ratsmustbequitehungrytolearnhowtogetthroughamazeandreachthefoodatthe
end.Parentsoftentrytoinfluenceachildbyofferingarewardthatthechilddoesn'tmuchneed
(promisingachildyouwillsingtoherifshegoestobedpromptlyandfindingshedoesn'tbuy
it).
2.Ifpunishmentistoosevere,thesubjectwillavoidthe.situationentirely.Whenratsreceivea
shocktoteachthemnottogointoablindalleyinamaze,theywill"stoptrying"tolearntheir
waythroughthemazeiftheshockistoostrong.Ifyouseverelypunishachildforamistake,
shemay"learn"tostoptryingtodosomethingwell.
3.Therewardhastobeavailabletothesubjectsoonenoughtoaffectbehavior.Intrainingrats
topushthecorrectleverthatwillbringthemfood,ifyoudelayproducingthefoodtoolong
aftertheypushtherightlever,theratswillnotlearnwhichisthecorrectlever.Tellachildshe
cangotothebeachthreeweeksfromnowifshedoesherchorestoday,andyoumaydiscover
thatsuchafaroffrewardlacksstrengthtomotivatethechildtodothosechoresrightnow.
4.Theremustalwaysbeagreatdealofconsistencyingivingrewardforthedesiredbehavioror
punishmentfortheundesiredbehavior.Ifyougiveyourdogfoodatthediningroomtablewhen
youdon'thavecompanyandpunishhimifhebegswhenyoudohavecompany,thedogwill
becomeconfusedandfrustrated(unlesshelearnsthedifferencebetweenhavingcompanyand
nothavingcompany,asourdogdid).Parentsarefrequentlyinconsistentinusingrewardand
punishment.Example:sometimesallowingthechildtosnackbetweenmealsbutdenyingher
thisprivilegeondayswhenthere'ssomethingspecialfordinnerandMomdoesnotwantherto
spoil"her"dinner(orhadwebettercallitMom'sdinner?).
5.Rewardandpunishmentareseldomeffectiveinteachingcomplexbehaviors,exceptbyusing
verycomplexandtimeconsuming"reinforcement"methods.True,psychologistshave
succeededinteachingchickenstoplaypingpongandpigeonstoguidemissiles,yetsuch
achievementsrequireamazinglydifficultandtimeconsumingtrainingconductedunderthe
mostcontrolledconditions.
Readerswhohaveownedanimalswillappreciatehowdifficultitwouldbetotrainadogtoplay
exclusivelyinhisownyard,tofetchhissweaterwheneverheseesitisrainingoutside,ortobe
generousinsharinghisdogbiscuitswithotherdogs.Yetthesesamepeoplewouldnotevenquestion
thefeasibilityoftryingtouserewardandpunishmenttoteachtheirchildrenthesamebehaviors.
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Rewardandpunishmentcanworktoteachachildtoavoidtouchingthingsonthecoffeetableorto
say"please"whenaskingforthingsatthedinnertable,butparentswillnotfindthiseffectiveto
producegoodstudyhabits,tobehonest,tobekindtootherchildren,ortobecooperativeasamember
ofthefamily.Suchcomplexbehaviorpatternsarereallynottaughtchildrenchildrenlearnthemfrom
theirownexperienceinmanysituations,influencedbyavarietyoffactors.
Ihavepointedoutonlyafewofthelimitationsofusingrewardandpunishmenttotrainchildren.
Psychologistswhospecializeinlearningandtrainingcouldaddmanymore.Teachinganimalsor
childrentoperformcomplexactsthroughrewardandpunishmentisnotonlyaspecialtyofitsown,
requiringextensiveknowledgeandaninordinateamountoftimeandpatience,butwhatisfarmore
importanttousisthis:theskilledcircusanimaltrainerandtheexperimentalpsychologistarenotvery
goodmodelsforparentstocopyintrainingtheirownchildrentobehaveasmothersandfatherswould
like.
THEEFFECTSOFPARENTALPOWERONTHECHILD
Despitealltheseriouslimitationsofpower,itstrangelyenoughremainsthemethodofchoicefor
mostparents,nomatterwhattheireducation,socialclass,oreconomiclevel.
P.E.T.instructorsinvariablyfindthatparentsintheirclassesaresurprisinglyawareoftheharmful
effects.ofpower.Allwehavetodoisaskparentstodrawfromtheirownexperienceandtellushow
theywereaffectedwhentheirparentsusedpoweroverthem.Itisastrangeparadoxthatparents
rememberhowpowerfelttothemaschildrenbut"forget"whentheyusepowerwiththeirown
children.Weaskthoseineachclasstolistwhattheydidaschildrentocopewiththeirparents'useof
power.Eachclassdevelopsalistofcopingmechanismsnottoodissimilarfromthefollowing:
1.Resistance,defiance,rebellion,negativism.
2.Resentment,anger,hostility.
3.Aggression,retaliation,strikingback.
4.Lying,hidingfeelings.
5.Blamingothers,tattling,cheating.
6.Dominating,bossing,bullying.
7.Needingtowin,hatingtolose.
8.Formingalliances,organizingagainstparents.
9.Submission,obedience,compliance.
10.Applepolishing,courtingfavor.
11.Conformity,lackofcreativity,fearoftryingsomethingnew,requiringpriorassuranceof
success.
12.Withdrawing,escaping,fantasizing,regression.
Resistance,Defiance,Rebellion,Negativism
Aparentrecalledthistypicalincidentwithherfather:
Parent:Ifyoudon'tstoptalking,you'regoingtogetmyhandacrossyourface.
Child:Goahead,hitme!
Parent:(Hitschild).
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Child:Hitmeagain,harder.Iwon'tstop!
Somechildrenrebelagainstparents'useofauthoritybydoingexactlytheoppositeofwhattheir
parentsdesirethemtodo.Onemothertoldus:
"Therewerethreemainthingsweusedourauthoritytotrytogetourdaughtertodobeneat
andorderly,gotochurch,andrefrainfromdrinking.Wewerealwaysstrictaboutthesethings.
Nowweknowthatherhouseisamess,shedoesn'tsetfootinchurch,andshehascocktails
almosteverynight."
Anadolescentrevealedinoneofhistherapysessionswithme:
"Iwon'teventrytogetgoodgradesinschool,'causemyparentshavepushedmesohardtobea
goodstudent.IfIgotgoodgradesitwouldmakethemfeelpleasedliketheywererightorlike
theywon.I'mnotgoingtoletthemfeelthatway.SoIdon'tstudy."
Anotheradolescenttalkedabouthisreactiontohisparents'"hassling"himabouthislonghair:
"IguessImightcutitiftheydidn'thasslemesomuch.Butaslongastheytrytomakemecut
it,I'mgoingtokeepitlong."
Suchreactionstoadultauthorityarealmostuniversal.Childrenhavebeendefyingandrebelling
againstadultauthorityforgenerations.Historysuggestslittledifferencebetweentoday'syouthand
thoseatothertimes.Children,likeadults,fightfuriouslywhentheirfreedomisthreatened,andthere
havebeenthreatstothefreedomofchildrenatallstagesinhistory.Onewayforchildrentocopewith
threatstotheirfreedomandindependenceistofightagainstthosewhowouldtakeitaway.
Resentment,Anger,Hostility
Childrenresentthosewhohavepoweroverthem.Itfeelsunfairandoftenunjust.Theyresentthefact
thatparentsorteachersarebiggerandstronger,ifsuchadvantageisusedtocontrolthemorrestrict
theirfreedom.
"Pickonsomeoneyourownsize"isafrequentfeelingofchildrenwhenanadultuseshisorher
power.
Itseemstobeauniversalresponseofhumanbeingsatanyagetofeeldeeplyresentfulandangry
towardsomeoneonwhomtheyare,toagreaterorlesserdegree,dependentforprovidinggratification
oftheirneeds.Mostpeopledon'trespondfavorablytothosewhoholdpowertodispenseorwithhold
rewards.Theyresentthefactthatsomeoneelsecontrolsthemeansforsatisfyingtheirneeds.They
wishtheythemselveswereincontrol.Also,mostpeoplecravethisindependencebecauseitisriskyto
dependonanother.
Thereistheriskthatthepersononwhomoneisdependentwillturnouttobelessthandependable
unfair,prejudiced,inconsistent,unreasonableorthepersonwiththepowermaydemandconformity
toherownvaluesandstandardsasapriceofherrewards.Thisiswhyemployeesofhighly
paternalisticemployersthosewhoaregenerousingiving"benefits"and"bonuses"(onconditionthat
theemployeeswillgratefullyaccedetomanagement'seffortstocontrolbyauthority)arefrequently
resentfulandhostile"tothehandthatfeedsthem."
Historiansofindustrialrelationshavepointedoutthatsomeofthemostviolentstrikeshitcompanies
wherethemanagementhadbeen"benevolentlypaternalistic."Thisisalsowhythepolicyofa"have"
nationgivinghandoutstoa"havenot"nationsofrequentlyresultsinthedependentnation'shostility
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towardthestrongerone,muchtotheconsternationofthe"giver."
Aggression,Retaliation,StrikingBack
Becauseparentaldominationbyauthorityoftenfrustratestheneedsofthechild,andfrustrationso
oftenleadstoaggression,parentswhorelyonauthoritycanexpecttheirchildrentoshowaggression
insomeway.Childrenretaliate,trytocuttheparentdowntosize,areseverelycritical,talkback
nastily,employ"thesilenttreatment,"ordoanyoneofthehundredsofaggressivethingsthattheyfeel
maygetbackattheparentsorhurtthem.
Theformulaforthiswayofcopingseemstobe"Youhurtme,soI'llhurtyouthenmaybeyouwon't
hurtmeinthefuture."Itsextrememanifestationarecases,frequentlyreportedinnewspapers,of
childrenwhokilltheirparents.Nodoubtmanyactsofaggressionagainstschoolauthorities
(vandalism),againstthepolice,oragainstpoliticalleadersaremotivatedbyadesiretoretaliateorget
backatsomeone.
Lying,HidingFeelings
Somechildrenlearnearlyinlifethatiftheyhetheycanavoidagreatdealofpunishment.On
occasionlyingcanevenbringthemrewards.Childreninvariablybegintolearntheirparents'values
theygettoknowaccuratelywhattheirparentswillapproveordisapproveof.Withoutexception,
everychildIhaveseenintherapywhoseparentsusedaheavydoseofrewardsandpunishment,
revealedhowmuchtheyliedtotheirparents.Oneadolescentgirltoldme:
"Mymotherwon'tletmegooutwiththisoneguy,soIhavemygirlfriendpickmeupandtell
Momwe'regoingtothemoviesorsomething.ThenIgomeetmyboyfriend."
Anothersaid:
"Mymotherwon'tletmewearlowcutshirts,soIwearanothershirtoverthelowcutone,and
whenIleavethehouse,ItakeitoffafewblocksawayandthenputitbackonbeforeIcome
home."
Whilechildrenliealotbecausesomanyparentsrelyheavilyonrewardsandpunishment,Ifirmly
believethatthetendencytolieisnotnaturalinyoungsters.Itisalearnedresponseacoping
mechanismtohandletheparents'attemptstocontrolbymanipulationofrewardsandpunishment.
Childrenarenotlikelytolieinfamilieswheretheyareacceptedandtheirfreedomisrespected.
Parentswhocomplainthattheirchildrendonotsharetheirproblemsortalkaboutwhatisgoingonin
theirlivesarealsogenerallyparentswhohaveusedalotofpunishment.Childrenlearnhowtoplay
thegame,andonewayistokeepquiet.
BlamingOthers,Tattling,Cheating
Infamilieswithmorethanonechild,thechildrenareobviouslycompetingtogetparentalrewardsand
avoidpunishment.Theysoonlearnanothercopingmechanism:puttheothersatadisadvantage,
discredittheotherchildren,makethemlookbad,tattle,shifttheblame.Thisformulaissimple"By
makingtheotherguylookbad,maybeIwilllookgood."Howdefeatingforparentstheywant
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cooperativebehaviorfromtheirkids,butbyusingrewardsandpunishmenttheybreedcompetitive
behaviorsiblingrivalry,fighting,rattingonbrotherorsister:
"ShegotmoreicecreamthanIdid."
"HowcomeIhavetoworkintheyardwhenJoedoesn't?"
"Hehitmefirsthestarteditall."
"YouneverpunishedErickawhenshewasmyageanddidthesamethingsI'mdoingnow."
"HowcomeyouletEddiegetbywitheverything?"
Muchofthecompetitivebickeringandmutualblamingamongchildrencanbeattributedtothe
parents'useofrewardsandpunishmentinchildrearing.Sincenoonehasthetime,temperament,or
wisdomtodispenserewardsorpunishmentsfairlyandequallyatalltimes,parentsareinevitably
goingtocreatecompetition.Itisonlynaturalthateachchildwantstogetmostoftherewardsandsee
herbrothersandsistersgetmostofthepunishment.
Dominating,Bossiness,Bullying
Whydoesachildtrytodominateorbullyyoungerchildren?Onereasonisthatherparentsusedtheir
powertodominateher.Therefore,wheneversheisinapowerpositionoveranotherchild,shetoo
triestodominateandboss.Thiscanbeobservedwhenchildrenplaywithdolls.Theygenerallytreat
theirdolls(theirown"children")astheirparentstreatthem,andpsychologistshaveknownforsome
timethattheycanfindouthowaparenttreatsachildbywatchingthatchildplaywithdolls.Ifthe
childisdominating,bossy,andpunitivetoherdollwhensheplaystheroleofamother,shehas
almostcertainlybeentreatedthesamewaybyherownmother.
Parents,therefore,unwittinglyrunahighriskofrearingachildwhowillbeauthoritarianwithother
childreniftheyusetheirownauthoritytodirectandcontroltheirchild.
NeedingtoWin,HatingtoLose
Whenchildrenarerearedinaclimatefullofrewardsandpunishment,theymaydevelopstrongneeds
tolook"good"ortowin,andstrongneedstoavoidlooking"bad"orlosing.Thisisparticularlytruein
familieswithveryrewardorientedparentswhorelyheavilyonpositiveevaluation,moneyrewards,
goldstars,bonuses,andthelike.
Unfortunately,therearemanysuchparents,particularlyinmiddleandupperclassfamilies.WhileI
dofindsomeparentswhophilosophicallyrejectpunishmentasamethodofcontrol,Iseldomfind
parentswhoevenquestionthevalueofusingrewards.TheAmericanparenthasbeeninundatedby
articlesandbooksadvisingfrequentpraiseandrewards.Mostparentshaveboughtthisadvice
unquestioningly,withtheresultthatalargepercentageofchildreninAmericaaredailymanipulated
bytheirparentsthroughcommendation,specialprivileges,awards,candy,icecream,money,andthe
like.Itisnowonderthatthisgenerationof"browniepoint"childrenissoorientedtowinning,looking
good,comingoutontop,andaboveall,avoidinglosing.
Anothernegativeeffectofrewardorientedchildrearingiswhatgenerallyhappenstoachildwhois
solimitedinability,intellectuallyorphysically,thatitisdifficultforhertoearnbrowniepoints.I
refertothechildwhosesiblingsandpeersaregeneticallybetterendowed,whichmakeshera"loser"
inmostofherendeavorsathome,ontheplayground,oratschool.Manyfamilieshaveoneormore
suchchildren,whoaredestinedtogothroughlifeexperiencingthepainoffrequentfailureandthe
frustrationofseeingothersgettherewards.Suchchildrenacquirelowselfesteem,andbuildup
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attitudesofhopelessnessanddefeatism.Thepointis:afamilyclimateheavywithrewardsmaybe
moreharmfultochildrenwhocannotearnthemthantothosewhocan.
FormingAlliances,OrganizingAgainstParents
Childrenwhoseparentscontrolanddirectbyauthorityandpowerlearn,astheygrowolder,yet
anotherwayofcopingwiththatpower.Thisisthealltoofamiliarpatternofformingallianceswith
otherchildren,eitherinthefamilyoroutofit.Childrendiscoverthat"inunionthereisstrength"they
can"organize"muchlikeworkersinAmericahaveorganizedtocopewiththepowerofemployers
andmanagement.
Childrenfrequentlyformalliancestopresentacommonfronttoparentsby:
Agreeingamongthemselvestotellthesamestory.
Tellingtheirparentsthatalltheotherkidsarepermittedtodoacertainthing,sowhycan'tthey?
Influencingotherchildrentojointheminsomequestionableactivity,hopingthatthentheir
parentswon'tsinglethemoutforpunishment.
Today'scropofadolescentsfeelstherealpowerthatcomesfromorganizingandactinginunion
againstparentaloradultauthoritywitnessthegrowingnumbersofkidsdoingdrugswiththeir
friends,notdoinghomework,ditchingschoolwithfriendstogotothemall,andtheproliferationof
cliquesandgangs.
Becauseauthorityhascontinuedtobethepreferredmethodofcontrollinganddirectingthebehavior
ofchildren,parentsandotheradultsbringabouttheverythingtheymostlamentadolescentsforming
alliancestopittheirpoweragainstthepowerofadults.Andsosocietyispolarizingintotwowarring
groupsyoungpeopleorganizedagainstadults,or,ifyouwill,the"havenots"againstthe"haves."
Insteadofchildrenidentifyingwiththefamily,theyareincreasinglyidentifyingwiththeirownpeer
grouptocombatthecombinedpowerofalladults.
Submission,Obedience,Compliance
Somechildrenchoosetosubmittotheauthorityoftheirparentsforreasonsthatarenotusuallywell
understood.Theycopethroughsubmission,obedience,andcompliance.Thisresponsetoparental
authorityoftenoccurswhentheparentshavebeenverysevereintheiruseofpower.Particularlywhen
punishmenthasbeenstrong,childrenlearntosubmitoutofastrongfearofthepunishment.Children
mayreacttoparentalpowerjustasdogsbecomecowedandfearfulfromseverepunishment.When
childrenarequiteyoung,severepunishmentismorelikelytocausesubmissionbecauseareaction
suchasrebellingorresistingmayseemtoorisky.Theyalmosthavetorespondtoparentalpowerby
becomingobedientandcompliant.Aschildrenapproachadolescence,thisresponsemightchange
abruptlybecausetheyhaveacquiredmorestrengthandcouragetotryresistanceandrebellion.
Somechildrencontinuetobesubmissiveandcompliantthroughadolescenceandofteninto
adulthood.Thesechildrensufferthemostfromearlyparentalpower,fortheyaretheoneswhoretain
adeepfearofpeopleinpowerpositionswherevertheyencounterthem.Thesearetheadultswho
remainchildrenthroughouttheirlives,passivelysubmittingtoauthority,denyingtheirownneeds,
fearingtobethemselves,frightenedofconflict,toocomplianttostandupfortheirownconvictions.
Theseareadultswhofilltheofficesofpsychologistsandpsychiatrists.
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ApplePolishing,CourtingFavor
Onewayofcopingwithapersonwhohaspowertorewardorpunishisto"getonhergoodside,"to
winheroverbyspecialeffortstomakeherlikeyou.Somechildrenadoptthisapproachwithparents
andotheradults.Theformula:"IfIcandosomethingniceforyouandgetyoutofavorme,then
perhapsyouwillgivemeyourrewardsandwithholdyourpunishment."Childrenlearnearlythat
rewardsandpunishmentsarenotmetedoutequitablybyadults.Adultscanbewonovertheycan
have"favorites."Somechildrenlearnhowtotakeadvantageofthisandresorttobehaviorknownas
"butteringsomeoneup,""gettingtobeteacher'spet,"andothertermslessacceptableinpolitesociety.
Unfortunately,whilechildrenmaybecomequiteskillfulinwinningadultsover,thisisusually
stronglyresentedbyotherchildrenthechildwho"buttersup"peopleisoftenridiculedorrejectedby
herpeers,whosuspecthermotivesandenvyherfavoredposition.
Conformity,LackofCreativity,FearofTryingSomethingNew,RequiringPrior
AssuranceofSuccess
Parentalauthorityfostersconformityratherthancreativityinchildren,muchasanauthoritarianwork
climateinanorganizationstiflesinnovation.Creativitycomesfromfreedomtoexperiment,totrynew
thingsandnewcombinations.Childrenrearedinaclimateofstrongrewardsandpunishmentarenot
aslikelytofeelsuchfreedomaschildrenrearedinamoreacceptingclimate.Powerproducesfearand
fearstiflescreativityandfostersconformity.Theformulaissimple:"InordertogetrewardsIwill
keepmynosecleanandconformtowhatisconsideredproperbehavior.Idarenotdoanythingoutof
theordinarythiswouldriskmygettingpunished."
Withdrawing,Escaping,Fantasizing,Regression
Whenitbecomestoodifficultforchildrentocopewithparentalauthority,theymaytrytoescapeor
withdraw.Thepowerofparentsmaycausewithdrawalifpunishmentistoosevereforthechild,if
parentsareinconsistentinadministeringrewards,ifrewardsaretoodifficulttoearn,orifitistoo
difficulttolearnbehaviorsrequiredtoavoidpunishment.Anyoftheseconditionsmaycauseachild
togiveuptryingtolearn"therulesofthegame."Shesimplyquitstryingtocopewithrealityithas
becometoopainfulortoocomplextofigureout.Thischildcannotfindsuitableadjustmenttothe
forcesinherenvironment.Shecan'twin.Soherorganismsomehowtellsheritissafertoescape.
Theformsofwithdrawalandescapemayrangefromalmosttotaltoonlyoccasionalwithdrawalfrom
reality,including:
Daydreamingandfantasizing.
Inactivity,passivity,apathy.
Regressingtoinfantilebehavior.
ExcessiveTVwatchingandvideogameplaying.
Solitaryplay(oftenwithimaginaryplaymates).
Gettingsick.
Runningaway.
Joininggangs.
Usingdrugs.
Eatingdisorders.
Depression.
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SOMEDEEPERISSUESABOUTPARENTALAUTHORITY
Evenafterparentsinourclassesareremindedoftheirowncopingmechanismsaschildrenandeven
aftertheyuseourlisttoidentifyspecificcopingmethodsbeingusedbytheirownchildren,some
remainconvincedthatauthorityandpowerarejustifiedinraisingchildren.Consequently,inmost
P.E.T.classesadditionalattitudesandfeelingsaboutparentalauthorityarebroughtintotheopenfor
discussion.
Don'tChildrenWantAuthorityandLimits?
Abeliefcommonlyheldbybothlaypeopleandprofessionalsisthatchildrenactuallywantauthority
theylikeparentstorestricttheirbehaviorbysettinglimits.Whenparentsusetheirauthority,sothe
argumentgoes,childrenfeelmoresecure.Withoutlimits,theynotonlywillbewildandundisciplined
butalsoinsecure.Anextensionofthisbeliefisthatifparentsdonotuseauthoritytosetlimits,their
childrenwillfeeltheparentsdonotcareandwillfeelunloved.
WhileIsuspectthisbeliefisembracedbymanybecauseitgivesthemaneatjustificationforusing
power,Idonotwanttodiscreditthebeliefasamererationalization.Thereissometruthinthebelief
andsoitmustbeexaminedrathercarefully.
Commonsenseandexperiencestronglysupporttheideathatchildrendowantlimitsintheir
relationshipwithparents.Theyneedtoknowhowfartheycangobeforetheirbehaviorwillbe
unacceptable.Onlythencantheychoosenottoengageinsuchbehaviors.Thisappliestoallhuman
relationships.
Forexample,Iammuch,moresecurewhenIknowwhichofmybehaviorsareunacceptabletomy
wife.Onethatcomestomindisplayinggolforgoingtomyofficetoworkonadaywhenwe
entertainguests.Byknowingaheadoftimethatmyabsencewillbeunacceptablebecausemywife
needsmyhelp,Icanchoosenottoplaygolforgototheofficeandavoidherdispleasureorangerand
probablyaconflict.
However,itisonethingforachildtowanttoknowthe"limitsofherparents'acceptance"andan
entirelydifferentthingtosaythatshewantsherparenttosetthoselimitsonherbehavior.Toreturnto
theexampleinvolvingmywifeandme:IamhelpedwhenIknowherfeelingsaboutmyplayinggolf
orgoingtotheofficeondaysweentertain.ButIcertainlywillbristleandberesentfulifshetriesto
setalimitonmybehaviorbysomesuchstatementas,"Icannotpermityoutoplaygolforgotothe
officeondayswearehavingguests.That'salimit.Youarenottodothosethings."
Iwouldnotappreciatethispowerapproachatall.Itisridiculoustosupposethatmywifewouldeven
trytocontrolanddirectmybehaviorthisway.Childrenrespondnodifferentlytolimitsettingonthe
partoftheparent.Equallystrongistheirbristlingandresentmentwhenaparentunilaterallytriesto
setalimitontheirbehavior.Ihaveneverknownachildwhowantsaparenttosetalimitonher
behaviorlikethis:
"Youmustbeinbymidnightthat'smylimit."
"Icannotpermityoutotakethecar."
"Youcannotplaywithyourtruckinthelivingroom."
"Wemustdemandthatyounotsmokepot."
"Wehavetorestrictyoufromgoingwiththosetwoboys."
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Thereaderwillrecognizeallthesecommunicationsasourfamiliar"sendingthesolution"(also,allare
YouMessages).
Amuchsounderprinciplethan"childrenwanttheirparentstousetheirauthorityandsetlimits"isthe
following:
Childrenwantandneedinformationfromtheirparentsthatwilltellthemtheparents'feelings
abouttheirbehavior,sothattheythemselvescanmodifybehaviorthatmightbeunacceptableto
theparents:However,childrendonotwanttheparenttotrytolimitormodifytheirbehaviorby
usingorthreateningtousetheirauthority.Inshort,childrenwanttolimittheirbehavior
themselvesifitbecomesapparenttothemthattheirbehaviormustbelimitedormodified.
Children,likeadults,prefertobetheirownauthorityovertheirbehavior.
Onefurtherpoint:childrenactuallywouldpreferthatalltheirbehaviorwereacceptabletotheir
parents,sothatitwouldbeunnecessarytolimitormodifyanyoftheirbehavior.I,too,wouldprefer
thatmywifewouldfindallmybehaviorunconditionallyacceptable.That'swhatIwouldprefer,butI
knowitisnotonlyunrealistic,butimpossible.
Soparentsshouldnotexpect,norwilltheirchildrenexpectofthem,thattheywillbeacceptingofall
behavior.Whatchildrenhavearighttoexpect,however,isthattheyalwaysbetoldwhentheirparents
arenotfeelingacceptingofacertainbehavior("Idon'tliketobetuggedandpulledwhenI'mtalking
toafriend").Thisisquitedifferentfromwantingparentstouseauthoritytosetlimitsontheir
behavior.
Isn'tAuthorityAllRightIfParentsAreConsistent?
Someparentsjustifytheuseofpowerbytheirbeliefthatit'seffectiveandnotharmfulaslongas
parentsareconsistentinusingit.Inourclasses,theseparentsaresurprisedtolearnthattheyare
absolutelycorrectabouttheneedforconsistency.Ourinstructorsassurethemthatconsistencyis
essential,iftheychoosetousepowerandauthority.Furthermore,childrenpreferparentstobe
consistent,ifthoseparentschoosetousepowerandauthority.
The"ifs"arecritical.Notthattheuseofpowerandauthorityisnotharmfultheuseofpowerand
authoritywillbeevenmoreharmfulwhenparentsareinconsistent.Notthatchildrenwanttheir
parentstouseauthorityrather,ifitistobeusedtheywouldpreferittobeusedconsistently.If
parentsfeeltheyhavetouseauthority,consistencyinapplyingitwillgivethechildmuchmore
chanceofknowingforcertainwhatbehaviorswillbeconsistentlypunishedandwhatotherswillbe
rewarded.
Considerableexperimentalevidenceshowstheharmfuleffectsofinconsistencyinusingrewardsand
punishmenttomodifythebehaviorofanimals.Aclassicexperimentbyapsychologist,Norman
Maier,isoneexample.Maierrewardedratsforjumpingfromaplatformandthroughahingeddoor
onwhichwaspaintedaparticulardesign,likeasquare.Thedooropenedtofoodandtheratwas
rewarded.ThenMaierpunishedratswhojumpedfromtheplatformtowardadoorthatwaspainted
withadifferentdesign,atriangle.Thisdoordidnotopen,causingtheratstohittheirnosesandfalla
considerabledistanceintoanet.This"taught"ratstodiscriminatebetweenasquareandatrianglea
simpleconditioningexperiment.
NowMaierdecidedtobe"inconsistent"inusingrewardsandpunishment.Hedeliberatelychanged
theconditionsbyrandomlyalternatingthedesigns.Sometimesthesquarewasonthedoorthatledto
food,sometimesitwasonthedoorthatdidnotopenandmadetheratsfall.Likemanyparents,the
psychologistwasinconsistentinapplyingrewardandpunishment.
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Whatdidthisdototherats?Itmadethem"neurotic"somedevelopedskindisorders,somewentinto
catatonicstates,someranaroundtheircagesfranticallyandaimlessly,somerefusedtoassociatewith
theotherrats,somewouldnoteat.Maiercreated"experimentalneuroses"inratsbybeing
inconsistent.
Theeffectofinconsistencyintheuseofrewardsandpunishmentcanbesimilarlyharmfultochildren.
Inconsistencygivesthemnochancetolearnthe"proper"(rewarded)behaviorandtoavoidthe
"undesirable"behavior.Theycannotwin.Theymaybecomefrustrated,confused,angry,andeven
"neurotic."
ButIsn'tIttheParents'ResponsibilitytoInfluenceChildren?
Probablytheattitudeaboutpowerandauthorityexpressedmostfrequentlybyparentsisthatitis
justifiedbecauseofparents'"responsibility"toinfluencetheirchildrentobehaveincertainways
considereddesirablebyparentsor"society"(whateverthatmeans).Thisistheageoldissueof
whetherpowerinhumanrelationshipsisjustifiedaslongasitisusedbenevolentlyandwisely"for
theotherperson'swelfareorbestinterests"or"forthegoodofsociety."
Theproblemiswhoistodecidewhatisinthebestinterestofsociety.Thechild?Theparent?Who
knowsbest?Thesearedifficultquestions,andtherearedangersinleavingthedeterminationof"best
interest"withtheparent.
Shemaynotbewiseenoughtomakethisdetermination.Allpeoplearefallibleandthatincludes
parentsandotherswhopossesspower.Andwhoeverisusingpowermayfalselyclaimthatitisforthe
other'swelfare.Thehistoryofcivilizationhasrecordedthelivesofmanywhoclaimedtousetheir
powerfor'thewelfareofthepersononwhomthepowerisused."I'monlydoingthisforyourown
good"isnotaveryconvincingjustificationforpower.
"Powercorruptsandabsolutepowercorruptsabsolutely"wroteLordActon.AndfromShelley,
"Power,likeadesolatingpestilence,polluteswhate'erittouches."EdmundBurkemaintainedthat
"Thegreaterthepower,themoredangeroustheabuse."
Thedangersofpower,perceivedbystatesmenandpoetsalike,arestillpresent.Theuseofpoweris
seriouslyquestionedtodayinrelationsbetweennations.Worldgovernmentwithaworldcourtmay
somedaycometopassoutofthenecessityformutualsurvivalintheinformationage.Theuseofthe
powerofoneraceoveranotherisnolongerconsideredjustifiedbyourjudicialsystem.Inindustry
andbusiness,managementbyauthorityisconsideredbymanyanoutmodedphilosophy.Thepower
differentialthathasexistedforyearsbetweenhusbandandwifehasbeengraduallybutsurely
reduced.Finally,theabsolutepowerandauthorityofthechurchhasbeenattackedbothfromwithout
andfromwithinthatinstitution.
Oneofthelaststrongholdsforthesanctionofpowerinhumanrelationshipsisinthehomeinthe
parentchildrelationship.Asimilarpocketofresistanceisintheschoolsintheteacherstudent
relationship,whereauthoritystillremainstheprincipalmethodforcontrollinganddirectingthe
behaviorofstudents.
Whyarechildrenthelastonestobeprotectedagainstthepotentialevilsofpowerandauthority?Isit
becausetheyaresmallerorbecauseadultsfinditsomucheasiertorationalizetheuseofpowerwith
suchnotionsas"Fatherknowsbest"or"It'sfortheirowngood"?
Myownconvictionisthatasmorepeoplebegintounderstandpowerandauthoritymorecompletely
andacceptitsuseasunethical,moreparentswillapplythoseunderstandingstoadultchild
relationshipswillbegintofeelthatitisjustasimmoralinthoserelationshipsandthenwillbeforced
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tosearchforcreativenewnonpowermethodsthatalladultscanusewithchildrenandyouth.
Butquiteapartfromthemoralandethicalissueofusingpoweroveranother,whenparentsask,"Isn't
itmyresponsibilitytousemypowertoinfluencemychild?"theyrevealacommonmisunderstanding
abouttheeffectivenessofpowerasawayofinfluencingtheirchildren.Parentalpowerdoesnotreally
"influence"childrenitforcesthemtobehaveinprescribedways.Powerdoesnot"influence"inthe
senseofpersuading,convincing,educating,ormotivatingachildtobehaveinaparticularway.
Rather,powercompelsorpreventsbehavior.Compelledorpreventedbysomeonewithsuperior
power,achildisnotreallypersuaded.Asamatteroffact,shewillgenerallyreturntoherformerways
assoonastheauthorityorpowerisremovedbecauseherownneedsanddesiresremainunchanged.
Frequentlyshewillalsobedeterminedtogetbackatherparentforthefrustrationofthoseneedsas
wellasthehumiliationinflictedonher.Therefore,poweractuallyempowersitsownvictims,creates
itsownopposition,fostersitsowndestruction.
Parentswhousepoweractuallylessentheirinfluenceonchildrenbecausepowersooftentriggers
rebelliousbehavior(childrencopingwithpowerbydoingtheoppositeofwhattheparentdesires).I
haveheardparentssay,"Wewouldhavemoreinfluenceoverourchildifwehadusedourauthorityto
makeherdojusttheoppositeofwhatwewanthertodo.Thenshemightendupdoingwhatwe
wantedhertodo."
Itisparadoxicalbuttruethatparentsloseinfluencebyusingpowerandwillhavemoreinfluenceon
theirchildrenbygivinguptheirpowerorrefusingtouseit.
Parentsobviouslywillhavemoreinfluenceontheirchildreniftheirmethodsofinfluencedonot
producerebellionorreactivebehavior.Nonpowermethodsofinfluencemakeitmuchmorelikely
thatchildrenmightseriouslyconsidertheirparents'ideasortheirfeelingsandasaresultmodifytheir
ownbehaviorinthedirectiondesiredbytheparent.Theywon'talwaysmodifytheirbehavior,but
thenagainsometimestheywill.Buttherebelliouschildwillseldomfeellikemodifyingherbehavior
outofconsiderationforherparent'sneeds.
WhyHasPowerPersistedinChildRearing?
Thisquestion,raisedsooftenbyparents,haspuzzledandchallengedme.Itisdifficulttounderstand
howanyonecanjustifytheuseofpowerinchildrearing,orinanyhumanrelationship,inthefaceof
whatisknownaboutpoweranditseffectsonothers.Workingwithparents,Iamnowconvincedthat
allbutasmallhandfulhatetousepowerovertheirchildren.Itmakesthemfeeluneasyandoften
downrightguilty.Frequently,parentsevenapologizetotheirchildrenafterusingpower.Ortheytryto
assuagetheirguiltwiththeusualrationalizations:"Wediditonlybecausewehaveyourownwelfare
inmind,""Somedayyou'llthankusforthis,""Whenyouareaparent,you'llunderstandwhywehave
tokeepyoufromdoingthesethings."
Inadditiontohavingguiltfeelings,manyparentsadmitthattheirpowermethodsarenotvery
effective,especiallyparentswhosechildrenareoldenoughtohavebegunrebelling,lying,sneaking,
orpassivelyresisting.
Ihavecometotheconclusionthatparentsovertheyearshavecontinuedtousepowerbecausethey
havehadverylittle,ifany,experienceintheirownliveswithpeoplewhousenonpowermethodsof
influence.Mostpeople,fromchildhoodon,havebeencontrolledbypowerpowerexercisedby
parents,schoolteachers,schoolprincipals,coaches,SundaySchoolteachers,uncles,aunts,
grandparents,Scoutleaders,campdirectors,militaryofficers,andbosses.Parentsthereforepersistin
usingpoweroutofalackofknowledgeandexperiencewithanyothermethodofresolvingconflicts
inhumanrelations.
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Chapter11The"NoLose"Methodfor
ResolvingConflicts.
Version2013.04.04
Forparentswhowerelockedinbytraditiontooneofthetwo"winlose"methodsofresolving
conflicts,itcomesasarevelationthattheydohaveanotheralternative.Almostwithoutexception,
theyarerelievedtolearnofathirdmethod.Whilethismethodiseasytounderstand,parentsusually
needtraining,practiceandcoachingtobecomecompetentinusingit.
Thealternativeisthe"nolose"methodofresolvingconflictswherenobodyloses.InP.E.T.wecallit
Method3.AlthoughMethod3strikesalmostallparentsasanewideaforresolvingparentchild
conflicts,theyimmediatelyrecognizethismethodfromseeingitusedelsewhere.Husbandsandwives
oftenemployMethod3toresolvetheirdifferencesthroughmutualagreement.Partnersinbusiness
relyonittoachieveagreementoutoftheirfrequentconflicts.Laborunionsandmanagersof
companiesuseittonegotiatecontractsbywhichbothorganizationsagreetoabide.Andcountless
legalconflictsareresolvedinoutofcourtsettlementsarrivedatbyMethod3andagreeduponby
bothparties.
Method3isfrequentlyemployedtoresolveconflictsbetweenindividualswhopossessequalor
relativelyequalpower.Whenthereislittleornopowerdifferentialbetweentwopeople,thereare
cogentandobviousreasonswhyneitherattemptstousepowertoresolveconflicts.Touseamethod
thatdependsuponpowerwhennopoweradvantageexists,isplainlyfoolishitonlyinvitesridicule.
Imaginemywife'sreactionifIhadattemptedtouseMethod1toresolveaconflictwesometimesgot
intoaboutthebestbedtimeforourthensixyearolddaughter.Igenerallylikedtoplaygameswith
heratnightandhavequalitytimewithher.Ienjoyedourtimetogetherandgettingherintobedat
8:00oftencutthattimeshort.Mywifelikedhertogettobedat8:00,soshewasn'tcrankythenext
day.SupposeIhadsaidtoher,"I'vedecidedwewilllethergotobedat9:00,sosheandIcanspend
somequalitytimetogether."Afterrecoveringfromherinitialsurpriseanddisbelief,shewould
probablycomebackwithsomethinglike:
"Youhavedecided!"
"Well,Ihavedecidedshewillbeinbedat8:00sharp!"
"Isn'tthatnice?Ihopeyouhavefunwakingheruptomorrowandtakingcareofherwhenshe
getssickfromnotgettingenoughsleep!"
IhadenoughwisdomthentorealizehowutterlyridiculousmyattemptatMethod1inthissituation
wouldhavebeen.Andshehadenoughstrength(power)inourrelationshiptoresistsuchafoolish
attemptonmyparttowinattheexpenseofherlosing.
Perhapsitisaprinciplethatpeoplewhohaveequalorrelativelyequalpower(anequalitarian
relationship)seldomtrytouseMethod1.Ifonoccasiontheydotry,theotherpersonwillnotpermit
theconflicttoberesolvedinthisway,inanyevent.Butwhenonepersonthinkshehas(orissurehe
has)morepowerthantheother,hemaybetemptedtouseMethod1.If,then,theotherthinksthefirst
hasmorepower,hehaslittlechoicebuttosubmit,unlesshechoosestoresistorfightwithwhatever
powerhethinkshepossesses.
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ItisclearbynowthatMethod3isanopowermethodormoreaccuratelya"nolose"method
conflictsareresolvedwithnoonewinningandnoonelosing.Bothwinbecausethesolutionmustbe
acceptabletoboth.Itisconflictresolutionbymutualagreementontheultimatesolution.Inthis
chapter,Iwilldescribehowitworks.
Thefollowingtwochaptersdiscussparents'problemsinacceptingthismethodandinputtingitto
workathomebutfirst,abriefdescriptionofMethod3:
Parentandchildencounteraconflictofneedssituation.Theparentasksthechildtoparticipate
withhiminajointsearchforsomesolutionacceptabletoboth.Oneorbothmayofferpossible
solutions.Theycriticallyevaluatethemandeventuallymakeadecisiononafinalsolution
acceptabletoboth.Nosellingoftheotherisrequiredafterthesolutionhasbeenselected,
becausebothhavealreadyacceptedit.Nopowerisrequiredtoforcecompliance,because
neitherisresistingthedecision.
Bringingbackourfamiliarcoatproblem,hereishowitwasresolvedbyMethod3,asreportedbythe
parentinvolved:
Jane:Bye,I'mofftoschool.
Parent:Honey,it'srainingoutsideandyoudon'thaveyourcoaton.
Jane:Idon'tneedit.
Parent:Ithinkit'srainingquitehardandI'mconcernedthatyou'llgetacold.
Jane:Well,Idon'twanttowearmycoat.
Parent:Yousuresoundlikeyoudefinitelydon'twanttowearthatcoat.
Jane:That'sright,Ihateit.
Parent:Youreallyhateyourcoat.
Jane:Yeah,it'sreallyugly.Nobodyatschoolwearscoatslikethat.
Parent:Youdon'twanttobetheonlyonewearingsomethingdifferent.
Jane:Isuredon't.Everybodywearsthosecooljackets.
Parent:Isee.Well,wereallyhaveaconflicthere.Youdon'twanttowearyourcoatcauseit'sugly,
butIsurewouldn'twanttoriskcatchingyourcoldandthenhavetomisswork.Canyouthinkofa
solutionthatwebothcouldaccept?Howcouldwesolvethissowe'rebothhappy?
JANE:[Pause]MaybeIcouldborrowMom'soldcoattoday.
Parent:Thatoldthing?
Jane:Yeah,it'scool.
Parent:Thinkshe'llletyouwearittoday?
Jane:I'llaskher.[ComesbackinafewminuteswithMom'scoatonsleevesaretoolong,butshe
rollsthemback.]It'sokaybyMom.
Parent:You'rehappywiththatthing?
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Jane:Sure,it'sfine.
Parent:Well,I'mconvinceditwillkeepyoudry.Soifyou'rehappywiththatsolution,Iamtoo.
Jane:Well,Igottago.
Parent:Solong.Haveagooddayatschool.
Whathappenedhere?Obviously,Janeandherfatherresolvedtheirconflicttothemutualsatisfaction
ofboth.Itwasresolvedratherquickly,too.Thefatherdidnothavetowastetimebeinganimploring
salesman,tryingtosellhissolution,asisnecessaryinMethod1.Nopowerwasinvolvedeitheron
thepartofthefatherorofJane.Finally,bothwalkedawayfromtheproblemsolvingfeelingwarmly
towardeachother.Thefathercouldsay,"Haveagooddayatschool"andreallymeanit,andJane
couldgotoschoolfreeofthefearofembarrassmentoveran"ugly"coat.
Belowisanotherkindofconflictfamiliartomostparents,solvedbyafamilyusingMethod3.Itis
unnecessarytoillustratehowitcouldbetackledbyMethod1orMethod2mostparentsareonlytoo
familiarwithunsuccessfulwinlosebattlesoverthecleanlinessandneatnessoftheirchild'sroom.As
reportedbyoneofthemotherswhohadcompletedtheP.E.T.course,thisiswhathappened:
MOTHER:Cindy,I'msickandtiredofnaggingyouaboutyourroom,andI'msureyou'retiredofmy
gettingonyourbackaboutit.Everyonceinawhileyoucleanitup,butmostlyit'samessandI'm
mad.Let'stryanewmethodI'velearnedinclass.Let'sseeifwecanfindasolutionwebothwill
acceptonethatwillmakeusbothhappy.Idon'twanttomakeyoucleanyourroomandhaveyoube
unhappywiththat,butIdon'twanttobeembarrassedanduncomfortableandbemadatyoueither:
Howcouldwesolvethisproblemonceandforall?Willyoutry?
Cindy:Well,I'lltrybutIknowI'lljustenduphavingtokeepitclean.
Mother:No.Iamsuggestingwefindasolutionthatwoulddefinitelybeacceptabletoboth,notjustto
me.
Cindy:Well,I'vegotanidea.YouhatetocookbutlikecleaningandIhatecleaningandlovetocook.
AndbesidesIwanttolearnmoreaboutcooking.WhatifIcooktwodinnersaweekforyouandDad
andmeifyoucleanupmyroomonceortwiceaweek.
Mother:Doyouthinkthatwouldworkoutreally?
Cindy:Yes,I'dreallyloveit.
Mother:Okay,thenlet'sgiveitatry.Areyoualsoofferingtodothedishes?
Cindy:Sure.
Mother:Okay.Maybenowyourroomwillgetcleanedaccordingtomyownstandards.Afterall,I'll
bedoingitmyself.
ThesetwoexamplesofconflictresolutionbyMethod3bringoutaveryimportantaspectthatatfirst
isnotalwaysunderstoodbyparents.UsingMethod3,differentfamilieswillgenerallycomeupwith
differentsolutionstothesameproblem.Itisawayofarrivingatsomesolutionacceptabletoboth
parentandchild,notamethodforobtainingasinglestocksolution"best"forallfamilies.Intryingto
resolvethecoatproblemanotherfamilyusingMethod3mighthavecomeupwiththeideaforJaneto
takeanumbrella.InstillanotherfamilytheymighthaveagreedthatthefatherwoulddriveJaneto
schoolthatday.Inafourthfamily,theymighthaveagreedthatJanewouldwearthe"ugly"coatthat
dayandthatanewonewouldbeboughtlater.
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Muchoftheliteratureinparenteducationhasbeen"solutionoriented"parentsareadvisedtosolvea
particularprobleminchildrearingbysomestandard"cookbook"solutionconsideredbestbyexperts.
Parentshavebeenoffered"bestsolutions"forthebedtimeproblem,forachilddawdlingatthetable,
fortheTVproblem,themessyroomproblem,thechoresproblem,andsoon,adinfinitum.
Mythesisisthatparentsneedonlylearnasinglemethodforresolvingconflicts,amethodusablewith
childrenofallages.Withthisapproach,thereareno"best"solutionsapplicabletoallorevenmost
families.Asolutionbestforonefamilythatis,onethatisacceptabletothatparticularparentand
childmightnotbe"best"foranotherfamily.Hereishowonefamilyresolvedaconflictabouttheuse
oftheson'snewminibike.Thefatherreported:
"Rob,agedthirteenandahalf,wasallowedtobuyaminibike.OneneighborcomplainedbecauseRob
driveshisminibikeinthestreet,whichisagainstthelaw.AnotherneighborcomplainedthatRobhas
drivenontotheiryard,spunhiswheels,andduguptheirlawn.Healsohastornuphismother'sflower
beds.Weproblemsolvedthisandcameupwithseveralpossiblesolutions:
1.Nobikeridingexceptwhencamping.
2.Nobikeridingexceptonourproperty.
3.NojumpingthebikeinMother'sflowerbeds.
4.MomhaulsRobtotheparkforacoupleofhourseachweek.
5.Robcanrideinfields,ifhewalksthebikethere.
6.Robcanbuildajumponaneighbor'slot.
7.Nodrivingonanyoneelse'slawn.
8.NowheelstandsonMom'slawn.
9.Selltheminibike.
Wethrewoutsolutionsl,2,4,and9.Butwereachedagreementonalltheothers.Twoweekslater:so
far,sogood.Everyoneishappy."
Method3,then,isamethodbywhicheachuniqueparentandhisuniquechildcansolveeachoftheir
uniqueconflictsbyfindingtheirownuniquesolutionsacceptabletoboth.
Notonlydoesthisseemtobeamorerealisticapproachinparenteducation,butitgreatlysimplifies
thejoboftrainingparentstobemoreeffectiveinchildrearing.Ifwehavediscoveredasinglemethod
bywhichmostparentscanlearntosolveconflicts,thenwecanaffordtobefarmorehopefulabout
increasingtheeffectivenessoffutureparents.Learningparenteffectivenessmaynotbequiteas
complexataskasparentsandprofessionalshavebeenledtobelieve.
WHYMETHOD3ISSOEFFECTIVE
TheChildIsMotivatedtoCarryOuttheSolution
Method3conflictresolutionbringsaboutahigherdegreeofmotivationonthepartofthechildto
carryoutthedecisionbecauseitutilizestheprincipleofparticipation:
Apersonismoremotivatedtocarryoutadecisionthathehasparticipatedinmakingthanheis
adecisionthathasbeenimposeduponhimbyanother.
Thevalidityofthisprinciplehasbeenproventimeandtimeagainbyexperimentsinindustry.When
employeeshavehadahandinmakingadecision,theycarryitoutwithmoremotivationthana
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decisiontheirsuperiorsmadeunilaterally.Andsupervisorswhopermitahighdegreeofparticipation
bysubordinatesinmattersthataffectthemmaintainhighproductivity,highjobsatisfaction,high
morale,andlowturnover.
WhileMethod3carriesnoguaranteethatchildrenwillalwayseagerlycarryouttheagreedupon
solutionstoconflicts,itgreatlyincreasestheprobabilitythattheywill.Childrengetafeelingthata
Method3decisionhasbeentheirdecision,too.Theyhavemadeacommitmenttoasolutionandfeela
responsibilitytocarryitout.Theyalsorespondfavorablytothefactthattheirparentshaverefusedto
trytowinattheexpenseoftheirlosing.
SolutionsproducedbyMethod3arefrequentlythechild'sownidea.Naturally,thisincreaseshis
desiretoseethatitwillwork.AP.E.T.parentsubmittedthisexampleofMethod3conflictresolution:
Wilbur,afourandahalfyearold,wasreluctanttogowithhismomtovisitsomefriends.Oneofthe
friendshadadaughter,Becky,whowasfriendswithWilbur.Hewasvery,veryreluctanttogoandhis
motherwaspuzzled.
Mother:Youdon'twanttogotoBecky'shouse.
Wilbur:NO.
Mother:There'ssomethingaboutBecky'shouse,you'renothappywith.
Wilbur:Yes.Vanessa.[VanessaisBecky'soldersister.]
Mother:You'reconcernedaboutVanessa.
Wilbur:Yes.Iamscaredshe'llkickandhitme,andthat'swhyIdon'twanttogo.
Mother:Soyou'rescaredthatVanessawillhurtyou,andthat'swhyyouwanttostay.
Wilbur:Yes.
Mother:Well,that'sabitofaproblem.I'dreallyliketogoandtalktomytwofriends.Butyoudon't
wanttogobecauseofVanessa.Whatcanwedoaboutthis?
Wilbur:Stayhere.
Mother:Thatwouldn'tmakemehappy.Whatifyoustaywithmewhilewe'rethere?Thenyou
wouldn'thavetoplaywithVanessa.
Wilbur:Uh...well...Iknow!IknowwhatIcandotostopVanessafromhittingme![Hegoesand
getsapieceofpaperandapencil.]Howdoyouspell"Don'thitme"?[Motherwritesoutthesentence
andWilburcopiesitasbesthecan.]
Wilbur:I'vegotthissign.Itsays"Don'thitme."SoifVanessawantstohitme,I'llgogetthissignand
showher,andshe'llknownottohitme.[Wilburrunsintohisroomandgathersuptoysforthevisit.]
Thisincidentillustrateshowstrongthemotivationofachildcanbetoenforceandcarryouta
decisionifthechildparticipatedinmakingit.InMethod3decisionmaking,itseemsthatchildren
feeltheyaremakingacommitmenttheyhaveinvestedpartofthemselvesintheproblemsolving
process.Also,theparentrevealsanattitudeoftrustingthechildtoholduphisendofthebargain.
Whenchildrenfeeltheyaretrusted,theyaremorelikelytobehaveinatrustworthymanner.
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MoreChanceofFindingaHighQualitySolution
Inadditiontoproducingsolutionsthathaveahigherprobabilityofbeingacceptedandimplemented,
Method3ismorelikelythanMethod1orMethod2toyieldsolutionsofahigherqualitymore
creative,moreeffectiveinsolvingtheconflictsolutionsthatmeettheneedsofbothparentandchild,
andthatneitherwouldhavethoughtofalone.Thewaytheroomcleaningconflictwasresolvedbythe
familywhosedaughtertookonsomeofthecookingchoresisagoodillustrationofhowhighly
creativeasolutioncanbe.Boththemotheranddaughteradmittedthatthefinalsolutionwas
surprisingtothem.
AnotherhighqualitysolutionemergedfromafamilyusingMethod3tosolveaconflictbetweenthe
parentsandtheirtwosmalldaughtersaboutthenoiseoftheTV,whichthegirlslikedtowatcharound
dinnertime.Oneofthedaughterssuggestedthattheywouldenjoytheprogramjustasmuchwiththe
soundoffjustseeingthepicture.Allagreedtothissolutionanovelone,indeed,althoughperhaps
unacceptabletochildreninanotherfamily.
Method3DevelopsChildren'sThinkingSkills
Method3encouragesactuallyrequireschildrentothink.Theparentissignalingthechild:"Wehave
aconflict,let'sputourheadstogetherandthinklet'sfigureoutagoodsolution."Method3isan
intellectualexerciseinreasoningforbothparentandchild.Itisalmostlikeachallengingpuzzleand
requiresthesamekindof"thinkingthrough"or"figuringout."Iwouldnotbesurprisediffuture
researchdemonstratesthatchildreninhomesusingMethod3developmentalcapacitiessuperiorto
childreninhomesusingMethod1orMethod2.
LessHostilityMoreLove
ParentswhoconsistentlyuseMethod3generallyreportadrasticreductioninhostilityfromtheir
children.Thisisnotsurprisingwhenanytwopeopleagreeonasolution,resentmentsandhostility
arerare.Infact,whenaparentandchild"workthrough"aconflictandarriveatamutuallysatisfying
solution,theyoftenexperiencefeelingsofdeeploveandtenderness.Conflict,ifresolvedbyasolution
acceptabletoboth,bringsparentandchildcloser.Theynotonlyfeelgoodthattheconflicthasbeen
clearedaway,buteachfeelsgoodthathehasnotlost.Finally,eachwarmlyappreciatestheother's
willingnesstoconsiderhisneedsandrespecthisrights.InthiswayMethod3strengthensanddeepens
relationships.
Manyparentshavereportedthatimmediatelyfollowingaresolutionofaconflict,everyonefeelsa
specialkindofjoy.Theyoftenlaugh,expresswarmfeelingstowardtheothermembersofthefamily,
andoftenhugandkisseachother.Suchjoyandloveareapparentinthefollowingexcerptfromatape
recordingofasessionwithamother,twoteenageddaughters,andateenagedson.Thefamilyhadjust
spentaweekresolvingseveralconflictswithMethod3.
Ann:Wegetalongmuchbetternowwealllikeeachother.
Counselor:Youreallyfeeladifferenceinyourwholeattitude,thewayyoufeelabouteachother.
Kathy:Yes,Ireallylovethemnow.IrespectMomandInowlikeTed,soIfeelbetteraboutthis
wholething.
Counselor:You'rereallykindofgladyoubelongtothisfamily.
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Ted:Yeah,Ithinkwe'regreat.
Aparentwrotethefollowingtome,ayearorsoaftershehadtakenP.E.T.:
"Thechangesinourfamilyrelationshipshavebeensubtlebutreal.Theolderchildren
especiallyappreciatethesechanges.Atonetimeourhomehad'emotionalsmog'critical,
resentful,hostilefeelingsthatwereheldincheckuntilsomewouldtriggeranexplosion.Since
P.E.T.andoursharingournewskillswithallthechildren,the'emotionalsmog'isgone.Theair
isclearandstaysclear.Wehavenotensioninourhomeexceptthatnecessaryforcopingwith
everydayschedules.Wedealwithproblemsastheyarise,andwealltuneintothefeelingsof
othersaswellasourselves.Myeighteenyearoldsonsayshecanfeeltensioninthehomesof
hisfriends,andheexpressesappreciationforthelackoftensioninourhome.P.E.T.hasclosed
thegapforus.Andsincewecancommunicatefreely,mychildrenareopentotheteachingof
myownvaluesystemandmyperspectiveonlife.Andtheirviewsareenrichingtome."
RequiresLessEnforcement
Method3requiresverylittleenforcement,foroncechildrenagreetoanacceptablesolution,they
usuallycarryitout,inpartbecauseoftheirappreciationfornotbeingpressuredtoacceptasolutionin
whichtheylose.
WithMethod1,enforcementisgenerallyrequired,becausetheparent'ssolutionisoftennot
acceptabletothechild.Thelessacceptableasolutionistothosewhohavetocarryitout,thegreater
theneedforenforcementnagging,cajoling,reminding,harassing,checkingup,andsoon.Afatherin
P.E.T.becameawareofthisreducedneedforenforcement:
"InourfamilySaturdaymorninghasalwaysbeenabighassle.EverySaturdayIhadtofight
withthekidsaboutdoingtheirjobsaroundthehouse.Itwasthesamethingeachtimeabig
struggle,angrinessandbitterness.AfterweusedMethod3toworkoutthechoreproblem,the
kidsjustseemedtogoaboutdoingtheirjobsontheirown.Theydidn'tneedremindingand
prodding."
Method3EliminatestheNeedforPower
ThenoloseMethod3makesitunnecessaryforeithertheparentorthechildtousepower.While
Method1andMethod2breedpowerstruggles,Method3callsforanentirelydifferentposture.Parent
andchildarenotstrugglingagainsteachotherbut,rather,workingwitheachotheronacommontask,
sochildrendonotneedtodevelopanyoftheubiquitousmethodsofcopingwithparentalpower.
InMethod3,theparent'sattitudeisoneofrespectfortheneedsofthechild.Buthealsohasrespect
forhisownneeds.Themethodconveystothechild,"Irespectyourneedsandyourrighttohaveyour
needsmet,butIalsorespectmyownneedsandmyrighttohavethemmet.Let'strytofindasolution
thatwillbeacceptabletobothofus.Inthiswayyourneedswillbemet,butsowillmine.Noonewill
losebothwillwin."Asixteenyearoldgirlcamehomeonenightandtoldherparents:
"YouknowIreallyfeelfunnywithmyfriendswhentheyalltalkandgripeabouthowunfair
theirparentsare.Theytalkallthetimeaboutgettingmadatthemandhatingthem.Ijuststand
aroundquietlybecauseIdon'thaveanyofthosefeelings.I'mreallyoutofit.Somebodyasked
mewhyIdidn'tfeelbadtowardmyparentswhatthedifferencewasinourfamily.Ididn't
knowwhattosayatfirst,butafterthinkingaboutit,Isaidthatinourfamilyyoualwaysknow
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thatyouwon'tbemadetodosomethingbyyourparents.There'snofearoftheirmakingyoudo
somethingorpunishingyou.Youalwaysfeelyou'llhaveachance."
ParentsinP.E.T.quicklygraspthesignificanceofhavingahomewherepowercanbethrownoutthe
window.Theyseetheexcitingimplicationsachancetoraisekidswhohavelessneedtoacquire
harmful,defensive,copingmechanisms.
Theirchildrenwillhavemuchlessneedtodevelophabitpatternsofresistingandrebelling(therewill
benothingforthemtoresistorrebelagainst)muchlessneedtodevelophabitsofsubmissivenessand
passivesurrendering(therewillbenoauthoritytosubmitorsurrenderto)muchlessneedto
withdrawandescape(therewillbenothingtowithdraworescapefrom)muchlessneedto
counterattackandcuttheparentsdowntosize(theparentswon'tbetryingtowinbyemployingtheir
greaterpsychologicalsize).
Method3GetstotheRealProblems
WhenparentsuseMethod1,theyoftenmissthechancetodiscoverwhatisreallybotheringtheir
child.Parentswhojumpquicklytotheirsolutionsandthenapplytheirpowertoenforcethosequick
solutionsblockthechildfromcommunicatingfeelingsthatliemuchdeeperandaremuchmore
significantdeterminersofhisbehavioratthetime.ThusMethod1preventsparentsfromgettingtothe
morebasicproblem,anditwon'tletthemcontributesomethingfarmoresignificanttowardtheir
child'slongrangegrowthanddevelopment.
Method3,ontheotherhand,usuallystartsachainreaction.Thechildisallowedtogetdowntothe
realnittygrittyproblemthatcauseshimtobehaveinaparticularway.Oncetherealproblemis
revealed,anappropriatesolutiontotheconflictoftenbecomesalmostobvious.Method3actuallyisa
problemsolvingprocess:itgenerallyenablesparentandchildfirsttodefinewhattherealproblemis,
whichincreasesthechancesthattheywillendupwithasolutionthatsolvestherealproblem,notthe
initial"presenting"problem,whichsooftenisasuperficialorsymptomaticone.Agoodillustrationis
the"coatproblem,"whichturnedouttobecausedbythechild'sfearofbeingembarrassedbyanugly
coat.Andherearesomeotherexamples.
Nathan,agedfive,beganbalkingaboutgoingtoschoolseveralmonthsafterhestarted.Hismotherat
firstpushedhimoutofthehouseagainsthiswillacoupleofmornings.Thenshewentintoproblem
solving.Shereportedthatittookonlytenminutestogettotherealcause:Nathanwasafraidhis
mothermightnotpickhimupandthetimebetweencleanupatschoolandMother'sarrivalseemed
interminabletohim.HealsowonderedifMotherwastryingtogetridofhimbysendinghimoffto
school.
MothertoldNathanwhatherfeelingswere:shewasn'ttryingtogetridofhimandsheenjoyedhaving
himhome.Butshealsovaluedhisschool.IntheMethod3problemsolvingprocess,severalsolutions
emergedandtheychoseone:hismotherwouldbetheretopickhimupbeforecleanuptime.The
motherreportedthatNathanthereafterdepartedhappilyforschoolandthathementionedthe
arrangementfrequently,indicatinghowimportantitwastohim.
AnidenticalconflictinanotherfamilywasresolvedinadifferentwaybecausetheMethod3process
unearthedadifferentbasicproblem.InthisfamilyBonnie,agedfive,hadalsobeenresistinggetting
upanddressingforkindergarten,causingthewholefamilyaproblemeachmorning.
Hereisaratherlengthybutbeautifulandmovingwordforwordtranscriptofataperecordedsession
inwhichBonnieandhermotherworkthroughtoacreativesolution.Thissessionnotonlyillustrates
howtheprocesshelpsaparentdiscoveranunderlyingproblembutalsohowessentialActive
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ListeningisinMethod3conflictresolutionandhowthismethodbringsaboutwholehearted
acceptanceofthesolution.Finally,itpoignantlyillustrateshow,inMethod3,childrenaswellas
parentsareverymuchconcernedthat,onceamutuallyacceptablesolutionhasbeenreached,itwillbe
carriedout.
Themotherhadjustcompletedsolvingaprobleminvolvingallfourofherchildren.Nowshedirects
herconversationtoBonnieandsharesaproblemsheishavingonlywithher.
Mother:Bonnie,IhaveaproblemthatI'dliketobringup,andthatisthatyouaresoslowgetting
dressedinthemorningthatyoumaketherestofuslateandsometimeskeepTerrifromgettingtothe
busontime,andIhavetogoupthereandhelpyougetdressed,andthenIdon'thavetimetoget
breakfastforeveryoneelse,andIhavetorush,rush,rush,andyellatTerritohurryupandgetoffon
thebus.It'sjustabigproblem.
Bonnie(strongly):ButIdon'tliketogetdressedinthemorning!
Mother:Youdon'tliketogetdressedforschool.
Bonnie:Idon'tfeellikegoingtoschoolIliketostayhomeandlookatbookswhenyou'rewide
awakeandyou'reallinyourclothes.
Mother:You'dratherstayhomethangotoschool?
Bonnie:Yes.
Mother:You'dratherstayhomeandplaywithMommy?
Bonnie:Yes...likeplaygamesandlookatbooks.
Mother:Youdon'tgetmuchchancetodothat...
Bonnie:NoIdon'tevengettoplaygameslikewedoatbirthdaysbutwedon'tdoitatschoolwedo
differentkindsofgamesatschool.
Mother:Youlikethegamesyouhaveatschool.
Bonnie:Nottoomuchbecausewealwaysplaythem.
Mother:Youlikedthemonce,butyoudon'tlikethemallthetime.
Bonnie:Yeah,that'swhyIliketoplaysomegamesathome.
Mother:Becausethey'redifferentfromthegamesyouplayatschool,andyoudon'tliketokeepdoing
thesamethingeveryday.
Bonnie:Yeah,Idon'tliketokeepondoingthesamethingseveryday.
Mother:It'sfuntohavealittlesomethingdifferenttodo.
Bonnie:Yeahlikedoartworkathome.
Mother:Youdoartworkatschool?
Bonnie:No,weonlydocoloringandpaintinganddrawing.
Mother:Soundslikethemainthingyoudon'tlikeaboutschoolisthatyoukeepdoingthesamethings
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overandoveragainisthatright?
Bonnie:Noteverydaywedon'tdothesamegames.
Mother:Youdon'tdothesamegameseveryday?
Bonnie(frustrated):Idothesamegameseveryday,butsometimeswelearnnewgamesbutIjust
don'tlikeit.Iliketostayhome.
Mother:Youdon'tliketolearnnewgames.
Bonnie(veryirritated):Yes,Ido...
Mother:Butyou'dratherstayhome.
Bonnie(relieved):Yes,Ireallyliketostayhomeandplaygamesandlookatbooksandstayathome
andsleepwhenyouarehome.
Mother:OnlywhenI'mhome.
Bonnie:Whenyouarestayinghomeallday,Iwanttostayhome.Whenyouaregone,I'llgoto
school.
Mother:SoundslikeyouthinkMommydoesn'tstayhomeenough.
Bonnie:Youdon't.Youalwayshavetogotoschooltoteachaclassinthemorningsorinthe
nighttime.
Mother:AndyouwouldratherIdidn'tgooutsomuch.
Bonnie:Yes.
Mother:Youdon'treallyseeenoughofme.
Bonnie:ButeverynightIseeababysitternamedSusanwhenyou'regone.
Mother:Andyou'dratherseeme.
Bonnie(positively):Yes.
Mother:AndyouthinkmaybeinthemorningswhenI'mhome...
Bonnie:Istayhome.
Mother:You'dliketostayhomesoyoucouldseeMommy.
Bonnie:Yes.
Mother:Well,letmesee.IdohavemyclassesthatIhavetoteach.Iwonderifwecouldworkthis
problemoutsomehow.Doyouhaveanyideas?
Bonnie(hesitantly):No.
Mother:Iwasthinkingaboutmaybehavingsometimewhenwecouldbetogethermoreinthe
afternoonswhenRickyistakinghisnap.
Bonnie(joyfully):That'swhatIwouldlike!
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Mother:Youwouldlikethat.
Bonnie:Yes.
Mother:You'dliketohavetimewithjustMommy.
Bonnie:Yes,withoutRandy,withoutTerri,withoutRickyjustwithyouandmeplayinggamesand
readingstories.ButIwouldn'tlikeyoutoreadstoriesbecausethenyou'dgetsleepywhenyouread
storiesyoualwaysdothat....
Mother:Yes,that'sright.Thenyou'dlikemaybeinsteadoftakinganapthat'sanotherproblem,too.
Youhaven'tbeentakingyournapslatelyandI'mthinkingmaybethatyoudon'treallyneedthem.
Bonnie:Idon'tlikenapsanywaywearen'ttalkingaboutnaps.
Mother:That'sright,wearen'ttalkingaboutnaps,butIwasthinkinginsteadoftakingnapsmaybewe
couldsetasidethattimewhenyouwouldusuallytakeanapwecouldhavethattimeforourselves.
Bonnie:Forourselves....
Mother:Uhhuh.Thenmaybeyouwouldn'tfeelthatyouwantedtostayhomeinthemorningsso
much.Thinkthatwouldsolvethatproblem?
Bonnie:Ididn'tevenknowwhatyousaid.
Mother:Isaidthatmaybeifwehaveseveralhoursintheafternoonwherewecouldjustbetogether
anddoonlythethingsthatyouwantedtodo,andMommywouldn'tevenkeepworkingjustdothe
thingsthatyouwanttodothenmaybeyouwouldwanttogotoschoolinthemornings,ifyouknew
thatweweregoingtohavetimeintheafternoons.
Bonnie:Yeah,that'swhatIwanttodo.Iwanttogotoschoolinthemorningsandwhenit'snaptime
becausewedohaveresttimeatschoolyoudon'tevenwork.YoustayhomeanddowhatIwantto
do.
Mother:OnlywhatyouwantMommytodoandnohousework.
Bonnie(firmly):Nonohousework.
Mother:Okay,then,shallwetrythat?Startingrightawayliketomorrow?
Bonnie:Okay,butwe'llhavetohaveasignbecauseyoudon'tremember.
Mother:ThenifIdon'tremember,we'llhavetosolveourproblemoveragain.
Bonnie:Yeah.But,Mommy,youshoulddrawthatsignandputitoverthedoorofyourroomsoyou'll
remember,andputitinthekitchensoyou'llremember,andwhenIcomehomefromschool,you'll
rememberbecauseyou'lllookatthatsign,andwhenyougetoutofbed,you'llremember'causeyou'll
lookatthatsign.
Mother:AndIwon'taccidentallyforgetandstarttakinganapmyselfordoinghousework.
Bonnie:Yeah.
Mother:Okay,that'sagoodidea.I'llmakeasignthen.
Bonnie:AndmakeittonightwhenI'msleeping.
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Mother:Okay.
Bonnie:Andthenyoucangoouttoyourmeeting.
Mother:Okay,Iguesswesolvedthatproblemdidn'twe?
Bonnie(happily):Yeah.
Thismother,whosoeffectivelyusedMethod3tosolvethisrathercommonandstickyfamily
problem,reportedafterwardthatBonniestoppedherstallingandcomplainingbehaviorinthe
morning.SeveralweekslaterBonnieannouncedthatshewouldrathergooutandplaythanspendso
muchtimewithherMother.Thelessonhereisthatoncetherealneedsofthechildwerediscovered
throughproblemsolving,andasolutionfoundthatwasappropriatetothoseneeds,theproblem
disappearedassoonasthechild'stemporaryneedshadbeenmet.
TreatingKidsLikeAdults
Thenolose,Method3approachcommunicatestokidsthatparentsthinktheirneedsareimportant,
too,andthatthekidscanbetrustedtobeconsiderateofparentalneedsinreturn.Thisistreatingkids
muchaswetreatfriendsoraspouse.Themethodfeelssogoodtochildrenbecausetheylikesomuch
tofeeltrustedandtobetreatedasanequal.(Method1treatskidsasiftheyareimmature,
irresponsible,andwithoutabrainintheirheads).
ThefollowingwassubmittedbyaP.E.T.graduate:
Dad:Ihaveaneedforustoworkoutsomethingaboutbedtime.EachnightMotherorIorbothofus
havetonagyouandworryyouandsometimesforceyoutogetyouintobedatyourregulartime,
eighto'clock.Idon'tfeelverygoodaboutmyselfwhenIdothatandIwonderhowyouarefeeling
aboutit.
Laura:Idon'tlikeforyoutonagme...andIdon'tliketogotobedsoearly.I'mabiggirlnowandI
shouldbeabletostayuplaterthanPeter[brother,twoyearsyounger].
Mother:YoufeelwetreatyouthesameasPeterandthattodothatisn'tfair.
Laura:Yeah,I'mtwoyearsolderthanPeter.
Dad:Andyoufeelweshouldtreatyoulikeyou'reolder.
Laura:Yes!
Mother:Youhaveagoodpoint.But,ifweletyoustayuplaterandthenyoufoolaroundaboutgoing
tobed,I'mafraidyou'llreallybeverylategettingtosleep.
Laura:ButIwon'tfoolaroundifIcanjuststayupalittlelonger.
Dad:Iwonderifyoumightshowushowwellyoucancooperateforafewdaysandthenwemight
changethetime.
Laura:That'snotfaireither!
Dad:Itwouldn'tbefairtomakeyou"earn"thelatertime,huh?
Laura:IthinkIshouldbeabletostayuplaterbecauseI'molder.[Silence.]MaybeifIwenttobedat
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eightandreadinbeduntileightthirty?
Mother:Youwouldbeinbedattheregulartimebutthelightscouldstayonforawhileandyoucould
read?
Laura:YeahIliketoreadinbed.
Dad:Thatsoundsprettygoodtomebutwhoisgoingtowatchtheclock?
Laura:Oh,I'lldothat.I'llturnthelightoffrightateightthirty!
Mother:Soundslikeaprettygoodidea,Laura.Shallwetrythatforawhile?
Theoutcomewasreportedbythisfatherasfollows:
"Wehadverylittlebedtimeproblemthereafter.OntheoccasionswhenLaura'slightwasnot
outateightthirty,oneofuswouldconfrontherwithsomethinglike,'It'seightthirtynow,
Laura,andwedohaveanagreementaboutlightsout.'Shealwaysrespondedacceptablyto
thesereminders.ThissolutionallowedLauratobea'biggirl'andreadinbedlikeMotherand
Dad."
Method3as"Therapy"fortheChild
Frequently,Method3bringsaboutchangesinchildren'sbehaviornotunlikethechangesthattake
placewhenchildrenareseenintherapybyaprofessionaltherapist.Thereissomethingpotentially
therapeuticinthismethodofresolvingconflictsorsolvingproblems.
AP.E.T.fathersubmittedtwoexampleswheretheuseofMethod3producedimmediate"therapeutic"
changesinhisfiveyearoldson:
"Hehaddevelopedastronginterestinmoneyandfrequentlywouldtakeloosechangefrommy
dresser.WehadaMethod3conflictresolutionsessionthatresultedinouragreeingtogivehima
dimeadayforanallowance.Asaresult,hehasceasedtakingmoneyfromthedresser,andhasbeen
veryconsistentinsavingmoneytobuyspecialthingshewants."
"Wewerequiteconcernedaboutourfiveyearold'sinterestinasciencefictionTVprogram,which
seemedtobecausingnightmares.AnotherTVprogramonatthesametimewasquiteeducationaland
notscary.Helikethisprogramtoo,butseldomselectedit.InourMethod3sessionwealldecidedon
thesolutionthathewouldseeeachprogramonalternatedays.Asaresult,hisnightmaressubsided,
andheeventuallybeganwatchingtheeducationalprogrammoreoftenthanthesciencefictionone."
OtherparentshavereportedmarkedchangesintheirchildrenaftertheparentsusedMethod3overa
periodoftimeimprovedgradesinschool,betterrelationshipswithpeers,moreopennessin
expressingfeelings,fewertempertantrums,lesshostilitytowardschool,moreresponsibilityabout
homework,moreindependence,greaterselfconfidence,happierdisposition,bettereatinghabits,and
otherimprovementsthattheparentswelcomed.
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Chapter12Parents'FearsandConcerns
Aboutthe"NoLose"Method.
Version2013.04.04
AlmostallparentsinourP.E.T.classeseasilyunderstandthenolosemethodofconflictresolution,
andtheyimmediatelyperceiveitasapromisingnewalternative.However,astheyprogressfrom
discussingthisnewmethod'intheory'intheclassroom,toputtingittoworkintheirhomes,many
parentsexperiencelegitimatefears:Theyexpressunderstandableconcernsaboutthenolosemethod.
Wehearmanyparentssay,"Itsoundsgreatintheory,butwillitreallyworkinpractice?"
Itishumannaturetobeapprehensiveaboutsomethingnew,andforyoutowanttoberather
thoroughlysoldonitbeforegivingupwhatyouareaccustomedtodoing.Also,asaparent,youmight
bereluctantto"experiment"withyouryoungsterswhoaresodeartoyou.
ThischapterdiscussessomeofourP.E.T.parents'mostimportantconcernsandfears,andwhatwe
telltheminourhopethattheywillgivethenolosemethodarealtry.
IsTheNoLoseMethodSimplyTheeOld'FamilyConference'UnderANew
Name?
Someparentsatfirstresistthenolosemethodbecausetheythinkitsoundsliketheeold"family
conference"methodtheirownparentstriedwiththem.WhenweaskedP.E.T.parentsinourclasses
todescribehowtheirfamilyconferencesoperatedwhentheywereyoungsters,almostuniversallythey
describesomethingthatfitsthefollowingpicture...
"EverySundayMomandDadwouldmakeussitaroundthediningroomtableforthepurpose
ofhavingafamilyconferencetodiscussproblems.Usuallytheybroughtupmostofthe
problems,butoccasionallywekidswouldthrowoutsomething.
"DadandMomdidmostofthetalkingandDadranthemeeting.Oftentheywouldgiveusa
kindoflectureorsermon.
"Usuallywegotachancetoexpressouropinions,buttheyalmostalwaysdecidedwhatthe
solutionwouldbe.Atfirst,wethoughtitwaskindafun,butthenitgotboring.Wedidnotkeep
itupverylong,asIrecall.Thethingswetalkedaboutwerechores,bedtime,andhowwe
shouldbemoreconsiderateofourmotherduringtheday."
P.E.T.parentsdetailedavarietyoffamilyconferences,butallmeetingsweredescribedashaving
beenquiteparentcentered.
Dadwasclearlythechairman,andsolutionsinvariablycamefromoneoftheparents.
Thekidswere"preachedto",theproblemsweregenerallyratherabstractandnoncontroversial,and
theeatmospherewasusuallyquitepleasant,warmandfriendly.
Thenolosemethod,ontheeotherhand,isnotameeting.Itisamethodforresolvingconflicts
preferablyassoonastheyoccurandcertainlynotpostponedforsomefuturescheduledmeetingofall
familymembers.
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Conflictsalmostneverinvolvetheentirefamily,andmostsituationsinvolveonlyonechildandone
parent.Otherfamilymembersneednotbepresent,norshouldtheybeencouragedtogetinvolved.
Thenolosemethodis,also,notaguiseformothersandfatherstoemploysothattheycansermonize
or"educate".Thatploywouldincorrectlyimplythattheteacherorpreacheralreadyhastheanswer.
No"chairperson",or"leader",presideswhenyouareusingthenolosemethod,andgenerallythereis
nopreconceivedanswertoproblems.
Theparentandthechildareequalparticipantssearching,andhardatworkfindingasolutiontotheir
commonproblem.
Ideally,thenolosemethodisappliedinabrief,onthespot,hereandnowwaytoresolveproblems.
Wecallthese,"standup"problems,becausetheparticipantsaretacklingconflictsrightwhenthey
occurratherthanwaitingtobringthemuplaterintheabstractatsomefamilysitdownconference.
Lastly,itshouldbeunderstoodthattheatmosphereduringyournoloseconflictresolutionswillnot
alwaysbepleasantandamiable.Conflictsbetweenanyparentandchildcanattimesgetrather
emotional,andfeelingscanrunprettyhigh.
Considerthefollowingthreeexamples.
Lastmonthyouboughtyoursonacarandheagreedtopayforthegasandinsurance.Nowhe
hascometoyousayingthathedoesn'thavethemoneyfortheinsurancepremiumthismonth.
Oryourteenagersoftenstayuplaterthanyoudoduringtheweek.Theyplaytheirstereoor
watchTV,whichkeepsyouawakewhenyouhavetogotoworkthenextday.
Oryoufinallyboughtapuppyforyourtenyearolddaughter,withtheunderstandingthatshe
wouldfeeditandwalkit.Forthepastweek,shehasn'tdoneeither.
Suchconflictsmayinvolveverystrongfeelings.Whenparentsbegintounderstandthesedifferences
betweentheoldstylefamilyconferenceandnoloseconflictresolution,itbecomesclearthatweare
notrevivinganancienttraditionunderanewname.
SomeP.E.T.ParentsInitiallySeeAndEquateTheNoLoseMethodWith
ParentalWeakness.
Someparents,fathersparticularly,atfirstequatethenolosemethodwith"givingin"tothechild,
"beingaweakparent,"or"compromisingone'sownconvictions".
AtaperecordingwasplayedfortheP.E.T.parentsofthesessionbetweenBonnieandhermother
workingouttheirgoingtoschoolconflict.Onefather,afterhearingit,ratherangrilyprotested,"Why,
thatmothersimplygaveintothechild!Nowshehastospendanhourwithherspoiledkidevery
afternoon.Thekidwon,didn'tshe?"
Yes,thechild"won",butsodidhermotherwhodoesnothavetogothroughanemotionalhasslewith
herdaughterfivemorningsperweek.
ThatnewP.E.T.father'sreactionisunderstandablebecausepeoplearesoaccustomedtothinking
aboutconflictsinwinloseterms.Theyincorrectlythinkthatifonepersongetshisorherway,the
otherpersonwillfailtogethisorherway."Somebodyhastolose,"isacommonmisconception.
Oftenatfirstitisdifficultforparentstounderstandthatthereisapossibilityforbothpersonstoget
theirway.ThenolosemethodisnotMethod2,wherethechildgetsherwayattheexpenseofthe
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parentsnotgettingtheirs.Itissonaturalatfirstforsomeparentstothink,"IfIgiveupMethod1,Iam
leftwithMethod2."Orfortheparenttobelieve,"IfIdonotgetmyway,thekidwillgetherway."
Thatisthefamiliar"eitheror"wayofthinkingaboutfamilyconflicts.
Parentshavetobehelpedtograspthefundamentaldifferenceinvolvedwithnoloseproblem
resolving.Theyneedrepeatedremindersthatwith'nolose',theytoomustandwillgettheirneeds
met.Theyandtheirchildrencanandwillaccepttheultimatesolution.
Ifyoufeelthatyouhavegivenintoyourchild,thenyouhaveusedMethod2,andNotthenolose
method.
Forexample,intheconflictbetweenBonnieandhermother,(whenlittleBonniewasnotwantingto
gotoschool,)thatmotheroughttohavegenuinelyacceptedgivingherchildthathourofexclusive
attention.Otherwise,shewouldhavebeengivingintoBonnieandtomethod2.
ClearlyBonnie'smothergainedbynolongerhavingtoputupwithhasslesandnagginginthe
morning,butsomeparentsinitiallyfailtoseethatBonnie'smotheralsogainedbynotfeelingguilty
aboutBonnie'sgoingofftoschool.AndBonnie'smotheralsohadthesatisfactionofdiscovering
Bonnie'sunfulfilledneed,andthesatisfactionfromtheirfindingawaytomeetthatneed.
TheNoLoseMethodIsNotACompromise.
Afewparentspersistinseeingthenolosemethodasanecessary"compromise."Tothem,
compromisemeans"backingdown","gettinglessthantheywanted",orbeing"weak."
WhenIhearparentsspeakofthenolosemethodasacompromise,Iamoftenremindedofthephrase
inPresidentJohnF.Kennedy'sinauguraladdress,"Fearnottonegotiate,butnevernegotiateoutof
fear."
Thenolosemethoddoesinvolveyounegotiating,andyoudoneedcouragetopersistwhileyouare
problemsolvingpersistenceuntilasolutionmeetsbothyourneedsaswellasyourchild's.
Wedonotequatethenolosemethodwiththeterm"compromise"inthesenseofacceptinglessthan
youwant.Itisourexperiencethatnolosesolutionsalmostalwaysbringmoretobothparentandchild
thaneitherhadexpected.
Thesesolutionsarefrequentlywhatpsychologistscallan"elegantsolution"good,oroftenbest,for
both.Thenolosemethod,therefore,doesnotmeanthatparentsbackdownorrolloverdead.Quite
thecontrary.Considerthefollowingconflictinvolvinganentirefamily,andnotehowrewardingit
wastotheparentsaswellasthechildren.
TheMotherreported.
Thanksgivingplanningtimewasathand.Asusual,Ifelttheneedtoprepareafamilydinner
withturkey,andtohaveaformalfamilygathering.
Mythreesonsandmyhusbandvoicedsomeotherdesires,sowewentintoproblemsolving.
Fatherwantedtopaintthehouseandresentedhavingtotaketimeoutforanelaboratedinner
andentertainingcompany.
MysonincollegewantedtobringhomeafriendwhohadneverhadarealThanksgivingfamily
gatheringinhisownhome.
Myhighschoolboywantedtogotothefamilycabinfortheentirefourdays.
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Theyoungestboycomplainedabouthavingtogetalldressedupandgoingthroughtheordeal
ofa"formal"dinner.
I,ofcourse,putalotofvalueonmyfamily'sfeelingoftogetherness.PlusIfelttheneedtobea
goodmotherbypreparinganelegantturkeydinner.
TheplanthatresultedfromtheproblemsolvingwasthatIwouldprepareatokenturkeydinner
thatwewouldtakeuptothecabinafterFatherpaintedthehouse.Mycollegesonwouldbring
homehisfriend,andallofthemwouldhelpFatherpaintsowecouldgetuptothecabinsooner.
Theresultswere,thatforachange,therewasnodoorslamming,andnoanger.Everybodyhad
agreattimethebestThanksgivingthefamilyeverspenttogether.Evenmyson'sguesthelped
withthepainting.Itwasthefirsttimeoursonshelpedtheirfatherdoanyoftheworkonthe
housewithoutamajorhassle.Dadwasecstatic,theboyswereenthused,andIfeltgoodabout
myroleforThanksgiving.
Also,Ididnothavealltheworkusuallyrequiredofmetoprepareahugedinner.Itworkedout
betterthanourfondestdreams.NeveragainwillIdictatefamilydecisions!
Inmyownfamilysomeyearsago,aconflictaroseaboutourEastervacation,andthenolosemethod
unexpectedlyproducedanovelsolutionacceptabletoallofus.MywifeandIfeltinnowayweakat
theendwefeltluckytohaveavoidedthefollowingNewportBeachdilemma.
Ourdaughter,fifteenyearsold,wantedtoacceptaninvitationtospendEastervacationwith
severalgirlfriendsatNewportBeach("wheretheboysare,"aswellasthebeer,thepot,andthe
cops).
MywifeandIhadrealfearsaboutexposingourdaughtertowhatwehadheardsooftengoes
onattheseyearlygatheringsofthousandsofhighschoolkids.Weexpressedourfears,which
ourdaughterheardbutdiscountedinviewofherstrongwishtobewithherfriendsatthebeach.
Weknewwewouldlosesleepandfearedwewouldbecalledoutinthemiddleofthenightto
haulheroutofrealtrouble.
ActiveListeninguncoveredsomethingsurprisingherprincipalneedsweretobewitha
particulargirlfriend,tobesomeplacewheretherewouldbeboys,andtobeatthebeachsoshe
couldreturntoschoolwithadeeptan.
Twodaysaftertheconflictarose,andwasstillunresolved,ourdaughtercameupwithanovel
solution.Sheaskedifwewouldconsideravacationweekend,saying,"Youhavenottakenone
foralongtime,youknow."Ourdaughterwouldtakeherfriend,andwewouldallstayatthe
motelonthegroundsofoneofmyfavoritegolfcourses,whichalsohappenedtobeclosetothe
beachnotNewportBeach,butanotherwhereboyswerealsolikelytobefound.
MywifeandIliterallypouncedonhersolution,greatlyrelievedtofindawaytoavoidallthe
anxietieswewouldhavehadaboutherbeingatNewportBeachwithoutsupervision.Our
daughterwasdelighted,too,becauseshewouldgetallherneedsmet.
Wecarriedouttheplan.WeallhadfuntogetheratnightaftermywifeandIhadgolfed,andthe
girlshadspentthedayonthebeach.Itsohappenedthatfewboyswereonthisparticularbeach,
whichdisappointedthegirls.Still,neithercomplainedtous,norexpressedanyfeelings
indicatingresentmenttowardusforthedecisionwehadreached.
Thatsituationalsoillustrateshowsomenolosesolutionsdonotturnouttobeperfect.
Sometimes,unpredictably,whatappearstobeasolutionmeetingeveryone'sneedsendsupbeing
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disappointingtosomeone.
Yet,infamiliesusingnoloseproblemresolving,thedisappointmentdoesnotseemtocause
resentmentandbitterness.Thatisbecauseitwasnottheparentswhocausedthekids'disappointment
aswouldbethecasewithMethod1.
Rather,itwaschance,fate,theweather,orbadluck.Thechildcanblameexternalorunpredictable
forces,yes,butnottheparents.Thenolosemethodofproblemresolvingallowskidstorealizethat
theoutcomeofsolutionsisasmuchtheirresponsibilityastheirparents'.
GroupsCanNotMakeDecisions.
Itisacommonlybelievedmyththatonlyindividuals,notgroups,arecapableofmakingdecisions.
"Acamelistheresultofacommitteethatmadeagroupdecisionabouthowtodesignahorse."Thatis
ahumorousquotationoftenusedbyparentstosupporttheirbeliefthatgroupseithercannotcomeup
withasolution,orthatthesolutionwillbeinferior.Anotherstatement,thatparentsoftenbringupin
class,is,"Someoneeventuallyhastodecideforthegroup."
Thatmythpersistsbecausesofewpeoplehavebeengiventheopportunitytobeinaneffective
decisionmakinggroup.Throughouttheirlives,mostadultshavebeendeniedthisexperiencebythose
whohavehadpoweroverthem,andsothoseadultshaveconsistentlyusedMethod1tosolve
problems,ortoresolveconflictsparents,teachers,aunts,uncles,Scoutleaders,coaches,babysitters,
militaryleaders,bosses,andsoon.
Mostadultsinour"democratic"societyhaveseldombeengiventhechancetoexperienceseeinga
groupsolveproblemsandconflictsdemocratically.Itisnowonderthatparentsareskepticalofthe
decisionmakingcapabilitiesofgroups.Theyhaveneverhadachancetoseeone!Theimplications
arefrighteninginviewofhowfrequentlyleadersproclaimtheimportanceofbringingupkidstobe
responsiblecitizens.
Perhapsthisiswhysomeparentsrequireagreatdealofevidencethatafamilygroupcan,andwill,
makehighqualitydecisionstoresolveproblemseventhoseproblemsthatarefrequentlyrathersticky
andcomplex,suchasconflictsabout...
Allowancesandmoney.
Careofthehome.
Chores.
Familypurchases.
UsingtheTV.
Usingthevideogameplayer.
Vacations.
Conductofkidsatpartiesinthehome.
Usingthephone.
Bedtimehours.
Mealtimes.
Whositswhereinthecar.
Usingthecomputer.
Kindsoffoodavailable.
Allocationofroomsorclosets.
Conditionofrooms.
Thelistisendless,butfamiliescanmakedecisionsasagroup.Theproofwillcomeeverydaywhen
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theyusethenolosemethod.Ofcourse,parentsmustmakeacommitmenttousethenolosemethod,
andmustgivethemselvesandtheirchildrentheopportunitytoexperiencehowmuchagroupcanbe
trustedtoarriveatcreativeandmutuallyacceptablesolutions.
TheNoLoseMethodTakesTooMuchTime.
Theideaofhavingtospendalotoftimeproblemsolvingworriesmanyparents.
Mr.W.,abusyexecutive,alreadyoverextendedinmeetingthedemandsofhisjob,declared,"Ican
notpossiblyfindthetimetositdown,andspendanhourwitheachofmykidseverytimeaconflict
comesup.Thatwouldberidiculous!"
Mrs.B.,motheroffiveyoungsters,says,"IwouldnevergetanythingdoneifIhadtousethenolose
methodwitheachofmyfivechildren.Theyareahandfulnow!"
Thereisnodenyingthateffectiveproblemsolvingtakestime.Theeamountoftimedependsonthe
problem,andthewillingnessofaparentandachildtosearchforanolosesolution.Herearefour
findingsfromtheexperiencesofparentswhomadeagenuineeffortwithnoloseproblemresolving.
1.Manyconflictsare"quickies"or"standup"problemsrequiringfromafewminutestoten
minutes.
2.Someproblemstakelonger,suchasallowances,chores,useoftheTVset,bedtimehours.
However,oncetheproblemisjointlyresolvedbythenolosemethod,theygenerallystay
solved.UnlikeMethod1decisionsdictatedbyparents,nolosedecisionsdonotcontinually
comeupagain,andagain.
3.Parentssavetimeinthelongrunbecausetheydonothavetospendcountlesshours
reminding,enforcing,checkingup,orhassling.
4.Whenthenolosemethodisfirstintroducedinafamily,thefirstproblemsolvingsessions
usuallytakelongerthanthesessionswillinthefuture.Thisisbecausethekids,aswellasthe
parents,arenotwellexperiencedwiththenewprocess.Kidsmay,also,initiallydistrusttheir
parents'goodintentions,thinking,"Whatisthisnewtechniqueyouareusingtocontrol
us?"Childrenmayalsohaveresidualresentments,orchildrenmay,outofhabit,havewinlose
posturesandfeel,"Ihavegottogetmyway."
Additionally,themostsignificantoutcomeoffamilies'usingthenolosemethodisanoutcomethatI
hadnotexpected,andisthegreatesttimesaverofall.Afteraperiodoftime,conflictssimplyno
longercomeupveryoften.
OnemotherreportedtouslessthanayearaftertakingP.E.T.,"Weseemtohaverunoutof
thingstoproblemsolve."
Anothermother,inresponsetomyrequestforexamplesofcontinuingnoloseattemptsinherfamily,
wrote...
"Wewouldhavelikedtorespondtoyourappealforcasematerial,butwedonotseemtohave
hadmanyconflictslatelytogiveusfurthernolosepractice."
Inmyownfamily,sofewseriousparentchildconflictshaveoccurredthatIfranklycannotatthis
timerecallone.Thingsgetworkedouteasilyandimmediatelywithoutturningintofullfledged
"conflicts."
Ihadexpectedconflictstokeepcroppingup,yearafteryear,andIamsuremostparentsinP.E.T.did,
too.So,whythedecrease?
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Itmakessensetome,nowthatIhavethoughtaboutit.Thenolosemethodofdealingwiththe
conflictsbringsaboutaradicallydifferentpostureofkidsandparentstowardeachother.Knowing
thattheirparentshavegivenupusingpowertogettheirway,andthattheirparentsnolongerfeelthat
theymust'win',evenattheexpenseofnotrespectingtheneedsoftheirkids,thesekidsnowhaveno
reasontopresshardtogettheirownwaynordothechildrenfeeltheneedtodefendvigorously
againsttheparents'power.Consequently,strongclashesofneedsdisappearalmosttotally.
Instead,ayoungsterbecomesaccommodating,andasrespectfulofhisorherparents'needsasheor
sheisherownneeds.Whenachildhasaneed,sheexpressesit,andherparentslookforwaysof
accommodatingherneed.Whentheparentshaveneeds,theyexpressthem,andtheyoungsterlooks
forwaysofaccommodatingtheparent.Thenwheneitherpartyhasanydifficultyinaccommodating
theotherperson'sneeds,inunisontheynowviewtheproblemasmoreofaproblemtobeworkedout
together,ratherthanafighttobefought.
Oneotherinterestingthinghappensaswell.Parentsandkidsstarttouseresponsiblemethodstoavoid
orresolveanticipatedconflictswellinadvanceofthesituation'sarrival.
Forexample,anadolescentdaughtermakesapointofleavinganoteforherparentsatthefrontdoor,
remindingthemofherneedtohavethecarthatnight.
Orthechildasksaheadoftimeifitwouldinterferewithherparentsifheinviteshisfriendfordinner
nextFriday.Notethathedoesnotaskforpermission.Gettingparents'permissionisapatternbornout
ofaMethod1home,andimpliesthattheparentsmightdenypermission.
Inanolose,climate,thechildsays,"Iwanttodomything,andIcandosoconfidentlyatanytime,
unlessIlearnitmightinterferewithyoudoingyourthing."
"AREN'TPARENTSJUSTIFIEDINUSINGMETHODIBECAUSETHEY
AREWISER?"
Thenotionthataparentisjustifiedinusingpoweroverherchildrenbecausesheiswiserormore
experiencedhasfirmroots.Welistedmanyoftheusualrationalizationsearlier:
"Weknowbestfromourexperience."
"We'redenyingyouonlyforyourowngood."
"Whenyou'reolder,you'llthankusformakingyoudothesethings."
"Wejustwanttopreventyoufrommakingthesamemistakeswemade."
"Wejustcan'tletyoudosomethingthatweknowyou'llbesorryforlater."
etc.,etc.
Manyparentswhoconveytheseorsimilarmessagestotheirchildrensincerelybelievewhattheysay.
Nootherattitudeismoredifficulttomodifyinourclassesthantheonethatparentsarejustifiedin
usingpowerevenhavearesponsibilitytousepowerbecausetheyknowmore,arebrighter,wiser,
moremature,ormoreexperienced.
Thisisnotanattitudeheldexclusivelybyparents.Throughouthistorytyrantshaveusedthisargument
tojustifytheiruseofpoweroverthosewhomtheyhaveoppressed.Mosthadaverylowopinionof
theirsubjectswhetherslaves,peasants,barbarians,backwoodsmen,Christians,heretics,rabble,
commoners,theworkingclass,Jews,Latinos,Asians,orwomen.Itseemsalmostuniversalthatthose
whoexercisepoweroverothersmustsomehowrationalizeandjustifytheiroppressionand
inhumanitybyjudgingthoseonwhomtheyusetheirpowertobeinferior.
Howcananyonerefutetheideathatparentsarewiserandmoreexperiencedthanchildren?Itseems
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tobesuchaselfevidenttruth.Yet,whenweaskparentsinourclasses,whethertheirownparents
madeunwiseMethodIdecisions,theyallsay,"Yes."Howeasyitisforparentstoforgettheirown
experienceaschildren!Howeasytoforgetthatchildrensometimesknowbetterthanparentswhen
theyaresleepyorhungryknowbetterthequalitiesoftheirfriends,theirownaspirationsandgoals,
howtheirvariousteacherstreatthemknowbettertheurgesandneedswithintheirbodies,whomthey
loveandwhomtheydon't,whattheyvalueandwhattheydon't.
Parentshavesuperiorwisdom?No,notaboutmanythingsconcerningtheirchildren.Parentsdohave
muchvaluablewisdomandexperience,andthatwisdomandexperienceneedneverbeburied.
ManyparentsinP.E.T.overlookatfirstthepointthatthewisdomofboththeparentandthechildis
mobilizedbythenolosemethod.Neitherisleftoutofproblemsolving(incontrasttoMethod1,
whichignoresachild'swisdom,orMethod2,whichignoresthewisdomofparents).
Amotheroflovely,exceptionallybrighttwingirlsreportedasuccessfulproblemsolvingsession
aboutwhetherthetwinsshouldbeadvancedonegradeinschool,sotheirschoolworkwouldbemore
interestingandchallenging,orremainintheirpresentclasswiththeirfriends.Thisisthetypeof
problemthatistraditionallysolvedby"experts"exclusivelyteachersandparents.Inthiscasethe
motherhadideas,butshealsotrustedthewisdomofherdaughters'feelings,theirownassessmentof
theirintellectualpotential,theirownjudgmentofwhatwouldbebestforthem.Afterseveraldaysof
weighingprosandcons,includinglisteningtoideasandcontributionsfromthemotheraswellas
informationgiventothembytheirteacher,thetwinsacceptedthesolutionthattheyshouldbe
advanced.Theoutcomeofthisfamilydecisionturnedouttobefavorablewithoutexception,bothin
termsofthetwins'happinessandtheirschoolperformance.
"CANMETHOD3WORKWITHYOUNGCHILDREN?"
"IcanseehowMethod3mightworkwitholderkidswhoaremoreverbal,morematureand
capableofreasoning,butnotwithyoungstersagedtwotosix.They'rejusttooyoungtoknow
what'sbestforthem,sodon'tyouhavetouseMethod1?"
ThisquestionisaskedineveryP.E.T.class.However,evidencefromfamilieswhohavetriedMethod
3withveryyoungchildrenprovesitcanwork.Hereisabriefsessionbetweenathreeyearoldgirl
andhermother,whosubmittedthesituation:
Laurie:Idon'twanttogotomybabysitter'sanymore.
Mother:Youdon'tlikegoingtoMrs.Crockett'shousewhenIgotowork.
Laurie:No,Idon'twanttogo.
Mother:Ineedtogotoworkandyoucan'tstayathome,butyouaresureunhappyaboutstaying
there.Istheresomethingwecoulddotomakeiteasierforyoutostaythere?
Laurie(silence):Icouldstayonthesidewalkuntilyoudriveaway.
Mother:ButMrs.Crockettneedsyoutobeinsidewiththeotherchildrensosheknowswhereyouare.
Laurie:Icouldwatchyoufromthewindowwhenyoudriveaway.
Mother:Willthatmakeyoufeelbetter?
Laurie:Yes.
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Mother:Okay.Let'strythatnexttime.
Atwoyearoldgirlrespondedtothenonpowermethodinthisincidentdescribedbyhermother:
"Iwascookingdinneronenightandmydaughterwasgurglinghappilyonherrockinghorse.
Thenshetookthestrapsusedtobucklethechildonandbegantotrytobucklethestraps
herself.Herfacereddenedandshebegantoscreaminahighpitchedvoiceasherfrustration
mounted.
"Ifoundmyselfgettingangryatherscreaming,soinmyusualfashionIkneltdowntodoitfor
her.Butshefoughtmeandkeptscreaming.NowIwasreadytopickupherandtherocking
horseanddepositthembothinherroom,slammingthedoortoshutoutthenoise.
"Thensomethingclickedinme.SoIkneltdown,placedmyhandsontopofhersandsaid,
'You'rereallymadbecauseyoucan'tdothatyourself.'Shenodded,stoppedthescreaming,and
afewbelatedsobslaterwasagainhappilyrockingaway.AndIthought,'Youmeanitreallyis
thatsimple?"'
Tothissomewhatsurprisedmother,Iwouldhavetosay,"No,itisn'talwaysthatsimple,"butMethod
3doesworksurprisinglywellwithpreschoolchildrenandeveninfants.Irememberwellthisincident
inourfamily:
Whenourdaughterwasonlyfivemonthsold,wewentonaweek'svacationduringwhichwe
livedinacabinbesideafishinglake.Beforethisthetripwehadfeltluckybecausethelittleone
hadneverneededafeedingfrom11:00P.M.until7:00A.M.
Thechangeinsurroundingsbroughtachangeinourluck.Shestartedwakingupat4:00A.M.
forafeeding.Atthathourofthemorning,gettinguptofeedherwaspainful.Innorthern
WisconsininSeptember,itwasfreezinginthecabinandallwehadwasawoodburningstove.
Thismeantweeitherhadtogotothetroubleofbuildingafireor,equallybad,wrapupin
blanketsandtrytostaywarmforthehourittooktopreparetheformula,warmthebottle,and
feedher.Wetrulyfeltthiswasa"conflictofneedssituation,"needingsomejointproblem
solving.
Puttingourheadstogether,mywifeandIdecidedtooffertheinfantanalternativesolutionin
thehopethatshewouldfinditacceptabletoher.Insteadofwakingherupandfeedingherat
11:00,thenextnightwelethersleepuntil12:00,thenfedher.Thatmorningshesleptuntil5:00
A.M.Sofar,prettygood.
Thenextnightwemadeaspecialefforttoseetoitthatshedrankmorethanherusualamount
ofmilkandthenputhertobedaround12:30.Itworkedsheboughtit.Thatmorning,and
subsequentmornings,shedidnotwakenuntil7:00,whenwewantedtogetupanywaytoget
outonthelakewhenthefishwerebitingbest.Nobodylost,weallwon.
NotonlyisitpossibletouseMethod3withinfantsitisimportanttobeginusingitearlyinthechild's
life.Theearlieritisstarted,thesoonerthechildwilllearnhowtorelatetoothersdemocratically,to
respectothers'needs,andtorecognizeitwhenherownneedsarerespected.
ParentswhohavetakenP.E.T.aftertheirkidsareolderandintroducethemtoMethod3afterthey
havebecomeaccustomedtothetwopowerstrugglemethodsinvariablyhaveamoredifficulttimeof
itthanparentswhostartusingMethod3fromtheverystart.
OnefathertoldhisP.E.T.classthatthefirstfewtimesheandhiswifetriedMethod3theirolderboy
said,"What'sthisnewpsychologicaltechniqueyou'reusingtotryandmakeusdowhatyouwant?"
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Thisperceptiveson,accustomedtowinloseconflictresolution(withthekidsusuallylosing),was
findingithardtotrusthisparents'goodintentionsandtheirgenuinedesiretotrythenolosemethod.
InthenextchapterIwillshowhowtohandlesuchresistancefromteenagers.
"AREN'TTHERETIMESWHENMETHOD1HASTOBEUSED?"
IthasbecomeajokewiththoseofuswhoteachP.E.T.thatinalmosteverynewclasssomeparent
willchallengethevalidityorlimitsofMethod3byoneoftwoquestions:
"Butwhatifyourkidrunsintothestreetinfrontofacar?Don'tyouhavetouseMethod1?"
"Butwhatifyourkidgetssevereappendicitis?Don'tyouhavetouseMethod1tomakehergo
tothehospital?"
Ouranswertoboththesequestionsis"Yes,ofcourse."Thesearecrisissituationsthatdemand
immediateandfirmaction.Yet,priortothecrisisofthechild'srunninginfrontofacarorneedingto
betakentothehospital,nonpowermethodscanbeused.
Ifachilddevelopsahabitofrunningintothestreet,aparentmightfirsttrytotalktothechildabout
thedangersofcars,walkheraroundtheedgeoftheyard,andtellherthatanythingbeyondisnotsafe,
showherapictureofachildhitbyacar,buildafencearoundtheyard,orwatchherwhensheis
playinginthefrontyardforacoupleofdays,remindinghereachtimewhenshegoesbeyondthe
limits.EvenifItookthepunishmentapproach,Iwouldneverriskmychild'slifeontheassumption
thatpunishmentalonewouldkeepherfromgoingintothestreet.Iwouldwanttoemploymorecertain
methodsinanyevent.
Withchildrenwhogetsickandrequiresurgeryorshotsormedicine,nonpowermethodsalsocanbe
extremelyeffective.Inthefollowingsituationwithanineyearold,sheandhermotherweredriving
totheallergyclinictostartaregimenoftwiceweeklyinjectionsforherhayfever.Themotherused
onlyActiveListening.
Lindsay(inalengthymonologue):Idon'twanttotakethoseshotsWhowantsshots?...Shotshurt....
IsupposeI'llhavetohavethemforever....Twiceeveryweek...I'drathersniffleandsneeze....What
didyougetmeintothisfor?
Mother:Hmmmmm.
Lindsay:Mommy,doyourememberwhenIhadawholelotofsplintersinmykneeandIhadashot
afterwards?
Mother:Yes,Iremember.Youhadatetanusshotafterthedoctortookoutthesplinters.
Lindsay:Thatnursetalkedtomeandtoldmetolookatapictureonthewall,soIdidn'tevenknowit
whentheneedlewentin.
Mother:Somenursescangiveshotssoyoudon'tevenknowyou'regettingthem.
Lindsay(uponarriving):I'mnotgoinginthere.
Mother(overhershoulderwhilewalkingin):Youwouldreallyrathernotcome.
Lindsay(Walksinwithexaggeratedslowness).
ThismotherthendescribedtheoutcomeLindsayeventuallywentin,kepttheappointmentas
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planned,hadhershots,andreceivedacomplimentfromthenurseonhercooperation.Lindsay's
motheralsoaddedthefollowing:
PriortoP.E.T.Iwouldhavelecturedheraboutthenecessityofcarryingoutadoctor'streatment
plan,orIwouldhavetoldherhowmuchmyownallergyshotswerehelping,orsaidthatshots
reallydidn'thurtmuch,ormoralizedabouthowluckyshewastohavenootherhealthproblem,
orelseIwouldhavebecomeexasperatedandtoldheroutrighttoquitcomplaining.Icertainly
wouldn'thavegivenherachancetorememberthenursewhogivesshotssoyoudon't"even
knowitwhentheneedlegoesin."
"WON'TILOSEMYKIDS'RESPECT?"
Someparents,particularlyfathers,fearthatusingMethod3willcausetheirkidstoloserespectfor
them.Theytellus:
"I'mafraidmykidswillrunalloverme."
"Shouldn'tkidslookuptotheirparents?"
"Ithinkkidsshouldrespecttheauthorityoftheirparents."
"Areyousuggestingthatparentstreattheirkidsasequals?"
Manyparentsareconfusedabouttheterm"respect."Sometimeswhentheyusetheterm,asin"respect
myauthority,"theyreallymean"fear."Theyareconcernedabouttheirkidslosingtheirfearofthe
parentsandthennotobeyingorresistingeffortstocontrolthem.Whenconfrontedbythisdefinition,
someparentshavesaid,"No,Idon'tmeanthatIwantthemtorespectmeformyabilities,my
knowledge,andsoon.IguessIreallywouldn'twantthemtofearme."
Wethenasksuchparents,"Howdoyougettorespectanotheradultforherabilitiesandher
knowledge?"Usually,theansweris,"Well,shewouldhavedemonstratedherabilitiesshewould
somehowhaveearnedmyrespect."Generally,itbecomesobvioustotheseparentsthatthey,too,must
earntheirkids'respectbydemonstratingtheircompetenceortheirknowledge.
Mostparents,whentheythinkclearlyaboutit,knowthattheycannotdemandsomeone'srespectthey
havetoearnit.Iftheirabilitiesandknowledgeareworthyofrespect,theirkidswillrespectthem.If
theyarenot,theywon't.
ParentswhohavemadeagenuineefforttosubstituteMethod3forthewinlosemethodsgenerally
discovertheirkidshavedevelopedanewkindofrespectforthemnotonebasedonfear,butone
basedonachangeintheirperceptionoftheparentasaperson.Aschoolprincipalwrotethismoving
lettertome:
"IcanbesttellyouwhatP.E.T.hasmeantinmylifebytellingyouthatmystepdaughterdidn't
likemefromthetimeIcameonthescenewhenshewastwoandonehalfyearsold.Thisreally
gottomeherdisdain.KidsgenerallylikemebutnotSally.
Ibegantodislikeherevenloatheher.SomuchsothatoneearlymorningIhadadreamin
whichmyfeelingsaboutherweresoantagonistic,sodistastefulthattheintensityofthe
negativefeelingsawakenedmewithashock.IknewthenIneededhelp.
Igotintotherapy.Thetherapyhelpedmerelaxabit,butSallystilldidn'tlikeme.Sixmonths
aftermytherapySallywastenyearsoldbynowItookP.E.T.andlaterbeganteachingit.
Withinayear,SallyandIhadasricharelationshipasIwoulddesireanddreamof.Sheis
thirteennow.Werespectoneanother,welikeoneanother,welaugh,weargue,play,work,and
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occasionallycrywithoneanother.
Ireceivedmy'graduationcertificate'fromSallyaboutamonthago.Ourfamilywaseatingina
Chineserestaurant.Whilewewereallopeningourfortunecookies,Sallysilentlyreadhersand
thenhandedittomesaying,'Thisshouldbeforyou,Dad.'Itread,'Youwillbehappyinyour
childrenandtheyinyou.'Yousee,IhavereasontothankyouforgivingmeP.E.T."
Sally'srespectforherstepfather,mostparentswouldreadilyagree,isthekindofrespecttheyreally
wantfromtheirkids.Method3doescausechildrentolosefearbased"respect,"butwhathasaparent
lostwheninitsplacehehasearnedafarbetterkindofrespect?
Chapter13Puttingthe"NoLose"Methodto
Work.
Version2013.04.04
EvenafterparentsinP.E.T.becomeconvincedtheywanttobeginusingthenolosemethod,they
posequestionsabouthowtogetstarted.Also,someparentsrunintodifficultieswhentheyfirstbegin.
Herearesomepointersongettingstarted,onhandlingsomeofthemostcommonproblemsparents
encounter,andonresolvingirritatingconflictsthatdevelopbetweenchildren.
HOWDOYOUSTART?
Parentswhohavehadthemostsuccessgettingstartedwiththenolosemethodtakeseriouslyour
advicetositdownwiththeirkidsandexplainwhatthemethodisallabout.Remember,mostkidsare
asunfamiliarwiththismethodastheparents.Accustomedtohavingconflictswithparentsresolved
byMethod1orMethod2,theyneedtobetoldhowMethod3differs.
Parentsexplainallthreemethodsanddescribethedifferences.Theyadmitthatoftentheyhavewonat
theexpenseofthekidslosing,andviceversa.Thentheyfreelyexpresstheireagernesstogetaway
fromthewinlosemethodsandtrythenolosemethod.
Kidsusuallygetturnedonbysuchanintroduction.TheyarecurioustolearnaboutMethod3andare
anxioustotryit.Someparentsfirstexplainthattheyhavebeentakingacourseinhowtobemore
effectiveparentsandthatthisnewmethodisoneofthethingstheywouldnowliketotryout.Of
course,thisapproachisnotappropriateforyoungstersunderthree.Withthem,youjuststartoutwith
noexplanation.
THESIXSTEPSOFTHENOLOSEMETHOD
Ithasbeenhelpfulforparentstounderstandthatthenolosemethodreallyinvolvessixseparatesteps.
Whenparentsfollowthesesteps,theyaremuchmorelikelytohavesuccessfulexperiences:
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Step1.Identifyinganddefiningtheconflict.
Step2:Generatingpossiblealternativesolutions.
Step3:Evaluatingthealternativesolutions.
Step4:Decidingonthebestacceptablesolution.
Step5:Workingoutwaysofimplementingthesolution.
Step6:Followinguptoevaluatehowitworked.
Therearesomekeypointstobeunderstoodabouteachofthesesixsteps.Whenparentsunderstand
andapplythesekeypoints,theyavoidmanydifficultiesandpitfalls.Eventhoughsome"quickie"
conflictsgetworkedoutwithoutgoingthroughallthesteps,parentsdobetterwhentheyunderstand
whatisinvolvedateachstage.
SettingtheStageforMethod3
Thisisthecriticalphasewhenparentswantthechildtobecomeinvolved.Theyhavetogethis
attentionandthensecurehiswillingnesstoenterintoproblemsolving.Theirchancesofdoingthisare
muchgreateriftheyrememberto:
1.Tellthechildclearlyandconciselythatthereisaproblemthatmustbesolved.Don'tbe
tentativewithsuchineffectivestatementsas,"Wouldyouliketoproblemsolve?"or"Ithinkit
mightbeagoodideaifwetriedtoworkthisout."
2.Beveryclearthatyouwantthechildtojoinwithyouinfindingasolutionacceptabletoboth,
asolution"webothcanlivewith,"inwhichnobodylosesandbothofyourneedswillbemet.It
iscriticalthathebelievethatyouaresincereinwantingtofindanolosesolution.Hemust
knowthatthe"nameofthegame"isMethod3,thenolosemethod,notmorewinloseinanew
disguise.
3.Agreeonatimetostart.Selectatimewhenthechildisnotbusyoroccupiedorgoing
someplace,sohewon'tresistorresentbeinginterruptedordelayed.
Step1:IdentifyingandDefiningtheConflict
Step1isthemostcriticalstepinMethod3becausethisiswhentheneedsofboththeparentsandthe
childrengetdefined.Sooftenwhatappearstobeaproblemorconflictturnsouttobea"presenting
problem,"andnottherealone.
Further,parentsunconsciouslycomeinwithpreconceivedsolutionsthatwillmeettheirneedrather
thanexpresstheneeditself.Separatingneedsfromsolutionscanbeverydifficultbecauseevenwhen
peopleusethewordneed,whattheyaresayingisoftenasolutionthatwouldmeetaneed.
WhileActiveListeningisthemostimportantskilltouseinseparatingneedsfromsolutions,the
questions"Whatwillthatdoforme?"or"Whatwillthatdoforyou?"canalsobeextremelyhelpful.
Forexample,ifyousay,"Ineedanewcar,"isthataneedorasolution?Askthequestion"Whatwill
thatdoforme?"Possibleanswersmightbe:I'llgettoworksafely,""I'llfeelgoodaboutmy
image/myself,""I'llsavemoneysincemyoldcarusestoomuchgasandrequireslotsofrepairs."
Theseanswersaretheneedsanewcaristhesolution.
Yourchildmightsay,"Ineedmyownroom,"whichisreallyasolution.Whatwillhavinghisown
roomdoforthechild?Itwouldprovideprivacy,orafeelingofhavinghisownspaceorquiet,etc.
Thesearetheunderlyingneedsaroomofhisownisthesolution.
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Iftheunderlyingneedsofboththeparentandthechildarenotclearlyunderstoodandexpressed,the
processwillbogdown.Thesubsequentstepswillbemisdirectedandtheconflictwon'tberesolved.
i.Tellthechildclearly,andasstronglyasyoufeel,exactlywhatfeelingsyouhaveorwhat
needsofyoursarenotbeingmetorwhatisbotheringyou.HereitiscriticaltosendIMessages:
or"Iamworriedaboutmycargettingsmashedupandyourgettinghurtifyoucontinuetodrive
fasterthanthespeedlimits"or"I'mupsetthatI'mdoingmostofthechoresaroundhere.I
literallyhavenotimetorelax."Avoidmessagesthatputdownorblamethechild,suchas
"You'rebeingrecklesswithmycar,""Youkidsareabunchoffreeloadersaroundthishouse."
2.DoalotofActiveListeningsothattheneedsofthechildareclear.
3.Thenstatetheconflictorproblem,sobothyouandthechildagreeontheproblemtobe
solved.
Step2:GeneratingPossibleSolutions
Inthisphase,thekeyistogenerateavarietyofsolutions.Theparentcansuggest:"Whataresomeof
thethingswemightdo?""Let'sthinkofpossiblesolutions,""Let'sputourheadstoworkandcomeup
withsomepossiblesolutions,""Theremustbealotofdifferentwayswecansolvethisproblem."
Theseadditionalkeypointswillhelp:
1.Tryfirsttogetthekids'solutionsyoucanaddyourownlater.(Youngerchildrenmaynot
comeupwithsolutionsinitially).
2.Mostimportant,donotevaluate,judge,orbelittleanyofthesolutionsoffered.Therewillbe
timeforthatinthenextphase.Acceptallideasforsolutions.Forcomplexproblemsyoumay
wanttowritethemdown.Don'tevenevaluateorjudgesolutionsasbeing"good,"becausethat
mayimplythatothersonthelistarenotsogood.
3.Atthispointtrynottomakeanystatementsconveyingthatanyoftheofferedsolutions
wouldbeunacceptabletoyou.
4.Whenusingthenolosemethodonaprobleminvolvingseveralchildren,ifonedoesn'toffer
asolution,youmighthavetoencouragehimtocontribute.5.Keeppressingforalternative
solutionsuntilitlooksasthoughnomorearegoingtobesuggested.
Step3:EvaluatingtheAlternativeSolutions
Inthisphase,itislegitimatetostartevaluatingthevarioussolutions.Theparentmaysay,"Allright,
whichofthesesolutionslookbest?"or"Now,let'sseewhichsolutionwefeelistheonewewant"or
"Whatdowethinkofthesevarioussolutionswehavecomeupwith?"or"Areanyofthesebetterthan
theothers?"
Generally,thesolutionsgetnarroweddowntooneortwothatseembestbyeliminatingthosethatare
notacceptabletoeitherparentorthekids(forwhateverreason).Atthisstageparentsmustremember
tobehonestinstatingtheirownfeelings"Iwouldn'tbehappywiththat,"or"Thatwouldn'tmeetmy
need,"or"Idon'tthinkthatonewouldseemfairtome."
Step4:DecidingontheBestSolution
Thisstepisnotasdifficulttoworkthroughasparentsoftenthink.Whentheotherstepshavebeen
followedandtheexchangeofideasandreactionshasbeenopenandhonest,aclearlysuperior
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solutionoftenemergesnaturallyfromthediscussion.Sometimeseithertheparentorachildhas
suggestedaverycreativesolutionthatobviouslyisthebestoneandisalsoacceptabletoeveryone.
Sometipsforarrivingatafinaldecisionare:
1.Keeptestingouttheremainingsolutionsagainstthefeelingsofthekidswithsuchquestions
as,"Wouldthissolutionbeokay,now?""Areweallsatisfiedwiththissolution?""Doyouthink
thisonewouldsolveourproblem?""Isthisgoingtowork?"
2.Don'tthinkofadecisionasnecessarilyfinalandimpossibletochange.Youmightsay,
"Okay,let'strythisoneoutandseeifitworks,"or"Weseemtoagreeonthissolutionlet's
startcarryingitoutandseeifitreallysolvesourproblems,"or"I'mwillingtoacceptthisone
wouldyoubewillingtogiveitatry?"
3.Ifthesolutioninvolvesanumberofpoints,itisagoodideatowritethemdownsotheywon't
beforgotten.
4.Makecertainitisclearlyunderstoodthateachoneismakingacommitmenttocarryoutthe
decision:"Okay,now,thisiswhatweareagreeingtodo,"or"Weunderstand,now,thisistobe
ouragreementandwe'resayingwe'regoingtokeeptoourpartofthebargain."
Step5:ImplementingtheDecision
Frequently,afteradecisionisreachedthereisaneedtospelloutinsomedetailexactlyhowthe
decisionwillbeimplemented.Parentsandkidsmayneedtoaddressthemselvesto"Whoistodo
what,bywhen?"or"Nowwhatdoweneedtodotocarrythisout?"or"Whendowestart?"
Inconflictsaboutchoresandworkduties,forexample,"Howoften?""Onwhatdays?"and"Whatare
tobethestandardsofperformancerequired?"arequestionsthatoftenmustbediscussed.
Inconflictsaboutbedtime,afamilymaywanttodiscusswhoisgoingtowatchtheclockandcall
time.
Inconflictsabouttheneatnessofthechildren'srooms,theissueof"howneat"mayhavetobe
explored.
Sometimesdecisionsmayrequirepurchases,suchasaboardforamessagecenter,aclotheshamper,a
secondphoneline,anotherTVset,ahairdryer,andsoon.Insuchcasesitmaybenecessaryto
determinewhoistoshopforthese,orevenwhoistopayforthem.
Questionsofimplementationarebestdelayeduntilafterthereisaclearagreementonthefinal
decision.Ourexperienceisthatoncethefinaldecisionhasbeenreached,theimplementationissues
areusuallyworkedoutrathereasily.
Step6:FollowingUptoEvaluateHowItWorked
Notallinitialdecisionsfromthenolosemethodturnouttobegoodones.Consequently,parents
sometimesneedtocheckbackwithachildtoaskifheisstillhappywiththedecision.Kidsoften
committhemselvestoadecisionthatlaterprovesdifficulttocarryout.Oraparentmayfindit
difficulttokeephisbargain,foravarietyofreasons.Parentsmaywanttocheckbackafterawhile
with,"Howisourdecisionworkingout?""Areyoustillsatisfiedwithourdecision?"This
communicatestokidsyourconcernabouttheirneeds.
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Sometimesthefollowupturnsupinformationthatrequirestheinitialdecisiontobemodified.Taking
outthetrashonceeverydaymightturnouttobeimpossibleorunnecessary.Or,cominginat11:00
P.M.onweekendnightsprovestobeimpossiblewhenthekidsgotoamovieinthenexttown.One
familydiscoveredthattheirnoloseresolutionofthechoreproblemrequiredtheirdaughter,who
agreedtodotheeveningdishes,toworkanaverageoffivetosixhoursaweek,whiletheirson,
whosejobitwastodoaweeklycleanupoftheircommonbathroomandfamilyroom,neededtowork
onlyaboutthreehoursaweek.Thisseemedunfairtothedaughter,sothedecisionwasmodifiedafter
acoupleofweeks'trial.
Ofcourse,notallnoloseconflictresolutionsessionsproceedinanorderlyfashionthroughallsix
steps.Sometimesconflictsareresolvedafteronlyonesolutionhasbeenproposed.Sometimesthe
finalsolutionpopsoutofsomeone'smouthduringStep3,whentheyareevaluatingpreviously
proposedsolutions.Nevertheless,itpaystokeepthesixstepsinmind.
TheNeedforActiveListeningandIMessages
Becausethenolosemethodrequirestheinvolvedpartiestojointogetherinproblemsolving,
effectivecommunicationisaprerequisite.Consequently,parentsmustdoagreatdealofActive
Listening,andmustsendclearIMessages.Parentswhohavenotlearnedtheseskillsseldomhave
successwiththenolosemethod.
ActiveListeningisrequired,first,becauseparentsneedtounderstandthefeelingsorneedsofthe
kids.Whatdotheywant?Whydotheypersistinwantingtodosomethingevenaftertheyknowitis
notacceptabletotheirparents?Whatneedsarecausingthemtobehaveinacertainway?
WhyisBonnieresistinggoingtonurseryschool?WhydoesJanenotwanttowearthe"ugly"coat?
WhydoesNathancryandfighthismotherwhenshedropshimoffatthebabysitter's?Whataremy
daughter'sneedsthatmakeitsoimportantforhertogotothebeachduringtheEastervacation?
ActiveListeningisapotenttoolforhelpingayoungstertoopenupandrevealhisrealneedsandtrue
feelings.Whenthesebecomeunderstoodbytheparent,itisoftenaneasynextsteptothinkofanother
wayofmeetingthoseneedsthatwillnotinvolvebehaviorunacceptabletotheparent.
Sincestrongfeelingsmaycomeoutduringproblemsolvingfromparentsaswellasyoungsters,
ActiveListeningiscriticallyimportantinhelpingtoreleasefeelingsanddissipatethem,sothat
effectiveproblemsolvingcancontinue.
Finally,ActiveListeningisanimportantwaytoletkidsknowthattheirproposedsolutionsare
understoodandacceptedasproposalsmadeingoodfaithandthattheirthoughtsandevaluations
concerningallproposedsolutionsarewantedandaccepted.
IMessagesarecriticalinthenoloseprocesssokidswillknowhowtheparentfeels,without
impugningthecharacterofthechildorputtinghimdownwithblameandshame.YouMessagesin
conflictresolutionusuallyprovokecounterYouMessagesandcausethediscussiontodegenerateinto
anonproductiveverbalbattlewiththecontestantsvyingtoseewhocanbestclobbertheotherwith
insults.
IMessagesalsomustbeusedtoletkidsknowthatparentshaveneedsandareseriousaboutseeing
thatthoseneedsarenotgoingtobeignoredjustbecausetheyoungsterhashisneeds.IMessages
communicatetheparent'sownlimitswhathecannottolerateandwhathedoesnotwanttosacrifice.
IMessagesconvey,"Iamapersonwithneedsandfeelings,""Ihavearighttoenjoylife,""Ihave
rightsinourhome."
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TheFirstNoLoseAttempt
ParentsinP.E.T.areadvisedthattheirfirstnoloseproblemsolvingsessionprobablyshouldtakeup
somelongstandingconflictsratherthanamoreimmediateandincendiaryone.Itisalsowiseatthis
firstsessiontogivekidsachancetoidentifysomeproblemsthatarebotheringthem.Thus,afirst
attemptatnoloseconflictresolutionmightbepresentedbyaparentinsomesuchfashionasthis:
"Nowthatweallunderstandwhatnoloseproblemsolving(orMethod3)is,let'sstartlisting
someconflictswearehavinginourfamily.First,whatproblemsdoyoukidsseewehave?
Whatproblemswouldyouliketoseeusresolve?Whatsituationscauseyoukidstogetupset?"
Theadvantagesofstartingwithproblemsidentifiedbythekidsareratherobvious.First,kidsare
delightedtoseethatthisnewmethodcanworktotheirbenefit.Second,itkeepsthemfromthe
incorrectnotionthattheirparentshavepickedupsomenewdevicetogetjusttheirownneedsmet.
Onefamilythatstartedoutthiswayendedupwithalistofgrievancesagainsttheirparents'behavior:
Daddoesn'tshopoftenenoughtokeepfoodinthehouse.
Momsometimesdoesn'tletkidsvisitthefatheronhisweekend.
Momfrequentlydoesn'ttellthekidswhensheiscominghometocookdinnerafterwork.
Aparentmakespromisestothedaughterandoftendoesn'tkeepthem.
Aftertheygottheirgrievanceslisted,theseteenagersweremuchmorereceptivetohearingsomeof
theproblemsMomorDadwashavingwiththeirbehavior.
Sometimesitiswiseforafamilytostartoutbytalkingaboutthegroundrulestheymightneedto
conductaneffectivenoloseconflictresolutionsession.Parentsmightsuggestthatallagreetoletone
persontalkwithoutbeinginterrupted.Itshouldbeclearlystatedthatvotingisnottobeusedyouare
afterasolutionacceptabletoeveryone.Agreetogooutoftheroomwhentwopeopleareresolvinga
conflictnotinvolvingtheothers.Agreeonnophysicalhorseplayduringtheproblemsolving.One
familyevenagreedthatduringtheirproblemsolvingconferencestheywouldnotanswerthe
telephone.Manyfamilieshavefounditveryusefultouseawhiteboardorapadofpapertoassist
withcomplexproblems.
PROBLEMSPARENTSWILLENCOUNTER
Parentsoftenmakemistakestryingtoputthenewmethodtoworkanditalsotakestimeforkidsto
learnhowtoresolveconflictswithoutpower,especiallyadolescentswhohavehadyearsof
experiencewithwinlosemethods.Bothparentsandtheiroffspringhavetoundosomeoldpatternsof
behaviorandlearnsomenewones,andthisnaturallydoesn'talwaysworkwithoutahitch.From
parentsinourP.E.T.classeswehavelearnedwhatmistakesaremostfrequentlymadeandwhatthe
commonproblemsare.
InitialDistrustandResistance
Someparentsencounterresistancetothenolosemethodinvariablywhenthekidsareteenagers
accustomedtoyearsofcontinuouspowerstrugglewithparents.Theyreport:
"Gennysimplyrefusedtositdownwithus."
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"Billygotangryandlefttheproblemsolvingsessionbecausehedidn'tgethisway."
"Hannahjustsatthereinsullensilence."
"Stephensaidthatwewouldgetourwaylikeweusuallydo."
Thebestwaytohandlesuchdistrustandresistanceisfortheparentstemporarilytoputasidethe
problemsolvingandtrytounderstandwithempathywhatthechildisreallysaying.ActiveListening
isthebesttoolforfindingout.Itmayencouragekidstoexpressmoreoftheirfeelings.Iftheydo,that
isprogressbecause,aftertheirfeelingsgetventilated,theseyoungsterswilloftenenterintoproblem
solving.Iftheyremainwithdrawnandunwillingtoparticipate,parentswillwanttosendtheirown
feelingsasIMessages,ofcourse:
"Idon'twanttousemypoweranymoreinthisfamily,butIalsodon'twanttosurrenderto
yours."
"Wearereallyseriousaboutfindingasolutionthatyoucanaccept."
"Wearenottryingtomakeyougiveinnordowewanttogivein."
"Wearetiredofhavingfightsinthisfamily.Wethinkwecanresolveourconflictsthisnew
way."
"Isurewishyouwouldgiveitatry.Let'sseehowitworks."
Usuallythesemessagesareeffectiveindispellingdistrustandresistance.Ifnot,parentscansimply
leavetheproblemunresolvedforadayortwoandtrythenolosemethodagain.
Wetellparents,"Justrememberhowskepticalanddistrustfulyouwerewhenyouheardustalkabout
thenolosemethodthefirsttimeinclass.Thatmayhelpyouunderstandyourkids'firstskeptical
reactions."
"WhatIfWeCan'tFindanAcceptableSolution?"
Thisisoneofthemostfrequentfearsofparents.Whileitisjustifiableinsomecases,surprisinglyfew
noloseconflictresolutionsessionsfailtocomeupwithanacceptablesolution.Whenafamily
encounterssuchastalemateordeadlock,itisusuallybecauseparentsandchildrenarestillinawin
lose,powerstruggleframeofmind.
Ouradvicetoparentsis:tryeverythingyoucanthinkofinsuchcases.Forinstance:
1.Keeptalking.
2.GobacktoStep2andgeneratemoresolutions.
3.Holdovertheconflictuntilasecondsessiontomorrow.
4.Makestrongappeals,suchas,"Comeon,theremustbeawaytoresolvethis,""Let'sreally
tryhardtofindanacceptablesolution,""Haveweexploredallofthepossiblesolutions?""Let's
tryharder."
5.Bringthedifficultyoutintheopenandtrytofindoutwhethersomeunderlyingproblemor
"hiddenagenda"isobstructingprogress.Youmightsay,"Iwonderwhat'sgoingonherethat
preventsusfromfindingasolution,""Arethereotherthingsbuggingusthatwehaven'tbrought
out?"
Usually,oneorseveraloftheseapproachesworksandproblemsolvinggetsstartedagain.
RevertingtoMethod1WhenMethod3BogsDown
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"Wetriedthenolosemethodandgotnowhere.SoIhadtoputmyfootdownandmakethedecision."
SomeparentsaretemptedtoreverttoMethod1.Usuallythishasrathersevereconsequences.The
kidsareangrytheyfeeltheyweredupedintobelievingthattheirparentsweretryinganewmethod
andthenexttimethenolosemethodistriedtheywillbeevenmoredistrustfulanddisbelieving.
ParentsarestronglyurgedtoavoidrevertingtoMethod1.Also,itisjustasdisastroustorevertto
Method2andletthekidswin,forthenexttimethenolosemethodistried,theywillbeprimedto
keepfightinguntiltheyagaingettheirownway.
ShouldPunishmentBeBuiltintotheDecision?
Parentshavereportedthatthey(orthekids)foundthemselves,afteranolosedecisionhadbeen
reached,buildingintotheagreementthepenaltiesorpunishmentstobeadministeredifthekidsdid
notkeeptotheiragreement.
Myearlierreactiontothesereportswastosuggestthatmutuallysetpenaltiesandpunishmentsmight
beallright,iftheyalsoappliedtotheparents,shouldtheynotupholdtheirendofthebargain.Inow
thinkdifferentlyaboutthisissue.
Itisfarbetterforparentstoavoidbringinguppenaltiesorpunishmentsforfailuretosticktoan
agreementorcarryoutaMethod3decision.
Inthefirstplace,parentswillwanttocommunicatetotheyoungstersthatpunishmentisnottobe
usedatallanymore,evenifitissuggestedbythekids,asitoftenwillbe.
Secondly,moreisgainedbyanattitudeoftrusttrustinthekids'goodintentionsandintegrity.
Youngsterstellus,"WhenIfeeltrusted,Iamlesslikelytobetraythattrust.ButwhenIfeelmyparent
orateacherisnottrustingme,ImightaswellgoaheadanddowhattheyalreadythinkI'vedone.I'm
alreadybadintheiropinion.I'vealreadylost,sowhynotgoanddoitanyway."
Inthenolosemethod,parentsshouldsimplyassumethatthekidswillcarryoutthedecision.Thatis
partofthenewmethodtrustineachother,trustinkeepingtocommitmentsstickingtopromises,
holdingupone'sendofthebargain.Anytalkaboutpenaltiesandpunishmentsisboundto
communicatedistrust,doubt,suspicion,pessimism.Thisisnottosaythatkidswillalwaysstickto
theiragreement.Theywon't.Itsaysmerelythatparentsshouldassumethattheywill."Innocentuntil
provenguilty"or"responsibleuntilprovenirresponsible"isthephilosophywerecommend.
WhenAgreementsAreBroken
Itisalmostinevitablethatkidssometimeswillnotkeeptheircommitment.Herearesomeofthe
reasons:
1.Theymaydiscovertheycommittedthemselvestosomethingtoohardtocarryout.
2.Theysimplyhavenothadmuchexperienceinbeingselfdisciplinedandselfdirected.
3.Theypreviouslydependedonparentalpowerfortheirdisciplineandcontrol.
4.Theymayforget.
5.TheymaybetestingthenolosemethodtestingwhetherMomandDadreallymeanwhat
theysay,whetherthekidscangetbywithbreakingtheirpromise.
6.Theymayhaveexpressedacceptanceofthedecisionatthetimejustbecausetheygottiredof
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theuncomfortableproblemsolvingsession.
Ourparentshavereportedallofthesereasonsforkidsfailingtokeeptotheircommitments.
Weteachparentstoconfront,directlyandhonestly,anyyoungsterwhohasnotstucktoanagreement.
ThekeyistosendthechildanIMessagenoblame,noputdown,nothreat.Alsotheconfrontation
shouldcomeassoonaspossible,perhapslikethis:
"Iamdisappointedthatyoudidn'tkeeptoyouragreement."
"Iamsurprisedthatyoudidn'tkeepyourendofthebargain."
"Hey,Jimmy,IdonotfeelitisfairtomethatIstucktomyendofbargainbutyoudidnot."
"Ithoughtwehadagreedto'X',andnowIfindyoudidn'tdoyourpart.Idon'tlikethat."
"I'dhopedwehadourproblemsolved,andI'mirritatedthatweapparentlydidn'tsolveit."
SuchIMessageswillinvokesomeresponsefromtheyoungsterthatmaygiveyoumoreinformation
andhelpyoutounderstandthereason.Againthisisatimetolistenactively.Butalways,intheend,
theparentmustmakeitclearthatinthenolosemethodeachpersonisexpectedtobeselfresponsible
andtrustworthy.Thecommitmentsareexpectedtobemet:"Thisisnogamewe'replayingwe're
seriouslytryingtoconsidertheneedsofoneanother."
Thatmaytakerealdiscipline,realintegrity,realwork.Dependingonthereasonswhyachilddidnot
keephisword,parentsmay(1)findtheIMessagesareeffective(2)findtheyneedtoreopenthe
problemandfindabettersolutionor(3)wanttohelpthechildlookforwaystohelphimremember.
Ifayoungsterforgets,parentscanraisetheproblemofwhathemightdotorememberthenexttime.
Doesheneedaclock,atimer,anotetohimself,amessageonthebulletinboard,astringaroundhis
finger,acalendar,asigninhisroom?
Shouldtheparentsremindtheyoungster?Shouldtheytakeontheresponsibilityoftellinghimwhen
heistodowhatheagreedtodo?InP.E.T.wesaydefinitelynot.Apartfromtheinconveniencetothe
parent,ithastheeffectofkeepingthechilddependent,slowingdownthedevelopmentofhisself
disciplineandselfresponsibility.Remindingchildrentodowhattheycommittedthemselvestodois
coddlingthemittreatsthemasiftheyareimmatureandirresponsible.Andthatiswhattheywill
continuetobe,unlessparentsstartrightawaytoshifttheseatofresponsibilitytothechild,whereit
belongs.Then,ifthechildslips,sendhimanIMessage.
WhenChildrenHaveBeenAccustomedtoWinning
FrequentlyparentswhohavereliedheavilyonMethod2reportdifficultiesinswitchingoverto
Method3becausetheirchildren,accustomedtogettingtheirwaymostofthetime,stronglyresist
becominginvolvedinaproblemsolvingmethodthatmightrequirethemtogivealittle,cooperate,or
compromise.Suchchildrenaresousedtowinningattheexpenseoftheirparentsthattheyare
naturallyreluctanttogiveupthisadvantageouscompetitiveposition.Insuchfamilies,whenthe
parentsinitiallyencounterstrongresistancetothenolosemethod,theysometimesgetscaredoffand
giveuptryingtomakeitwork.OftentheyareparentswhogravitatedtoMethod2becauseoffearof
theirchildren'sangerortears.
AchangetoMethod3forpreviouslypermissiveparentswillthereforerequireofthemmuchmore
strengthandfirmnessthantheyhavebeenaccustomedtoexhibitingwiththeirchildren.Theseparents
needsomehowtofindanewsourceofstrengthinordertomoveawayfromtheirprevious"peaceat
anyprice"posture.Itoftenhelpstoremindthemoftheterriblepricetheywillhavetopayinthe
futureiftheirkidsalwayswin.Theyhavetobeconvincedthattheyasparentshaverights,too.Or
theymustberemindedthattheirusualgivingintothechildhasmadehimselfishandinconsiderate.
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Parentslikethisneedsomeconvincingthatparenthoodcanbeajoywhentheirneedsaremet,too.
Theymustwanttochange,andtheymustbepreparedtogetalotofstaticfromthechildwhenthey
changeovertoMethod3.Duringtheperiodofchangingover,theparentsmustalsobereadyto
handlefeelingswiththeskillofActiveListeningandsendtheirownfeelings,usinggood,clearI
Messages.
Inonefamilythemotherhaddifficultieswithathirteenyearolddaughteraccustomedto
gettingherownway.OntheirfirstattempttouseMethod3,whenitappearedtothegirlthat
shewasnotgettingherway,shethrewatempertantrumandranbacktoherroomintears.
Insteadofeitherconsolingherorignoringher,assheusuallyhaddone,themotherranafterher
andsaid,"I'mreallyangryatyourightnow!HereIbringupsomethingthatisbotheringmeand
yourunaway!Thatreallyfeelstomelikeyoudon'tgiveadarnaboutmyneeds.Idon'tlike
that!Ithinkit'sunfair.
"Iwantthisproblemsolvednow.Idon'twantyoutolose,butIamsurenotgoingtobetheone
tolosewhileyouwin.Ithinkwecanfindasolutionsowe'llbothwin,butwecan'tforsure
unlessyoucomebacktothetable.Nowwillyoujoinmebackatthetablesowecanfindagood
solution?"
Afterdryinghertears,thedaughtercamebackwithhermotherandinanhourorsotheyarrived
atasolutionthatwassatisfactorytothechildandtheparent.Neveragaindidthedaughterrun
outonaproblemsolvingsession.Shestoppedtryingtoexercisecontrolwithherangerwhenit
wasclearthathermotherwasthroughlettinghercontrolherinthisway.
THENOLOSEMETHODFORCHILDCHILDCONFLICTS
Mostparentsapproachtheinevitableandalltoofrequentchildchildconflictswiththesamewinlose
orientationtheyuseinparentchildconflicts.Parentsfeeltheyhavetoplaytheroleofjudge,referee,
orumpiretheyassumetheresponsibilityforgettingfacts,determiningwhoisrightandwhois
wrong,anddecidingwhatthesolutionshouldbe.Thisorientationhassomeseriousdrawbacksand
generallyresultsinunhappyconsequencesforallconcerned.Thenolosemethodisgenerallymore
effectiveinresolvingsuchconflictsandmucheasieronparents.Italsoplaysanimportantpartin
influencingchildrentobecomemoremature,moreresponsible,moreindependent,moreself
disciplined.
Whenparentsapproachchildchildconflictsasjudgesorreferees,theyaremakingthemistakeof
assumingownershipoftheproblem.Bymovinginasproblemsolvers,theydenychildrenthe
opportunitytoassumetheresponsibilityforowningtheirownconflictsandtolearnhowtoresolve
themthroughtheirownefforts.Thispreventstheirchildrenfromgrowingandmaturingandmay
leavethemforeverdependentonsomeauthoritytoresolvetheirconflictsforthem.Fromthe
standpointofparents,theworsteffectofthewinloseapproachisthattheirkidswillcontinuetobring
alltheirconflictstotheparents.Insteadofsolvingtheirconflictsthemselves,theyruntotheparentto
settletheirfightsandtheirdisagreements:
"Mommy,Jimmyisteasingmemakehimstop."
"Dad,Maggiewon'tletmehavemyturnonthecomputer."
"IwanttosleepbutFrankiekeepstalking.Tellhimtobequiet."
"Hehitmefirst,it'shisfault.Ididn'tdoanythingtohim."
Such"appealstoauthority"arecommoninmostfamiliesbecauseparentsallowthemselvestobe
suckedintotheirchildren'sfights.
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InP.E.T.ittakessomeconvincingtogetparentstoacceptthesefightsastheirchildren'sfights,and
thatthekidsowntheproblem.Mostfightsandconflictsbetweenchildrenbelongintheareaof
ProblemsOwnedbytheChild,theupperareaofourdiagram:
Ifparentscanremembertolocatetheseconflictswheretheybelong,thentheycanhandlethemwith
theappropriatemethods:
1.Stayingoutoftheconflictcompletely.
2.Dooropeners,invitationstotalk.
3.ActiveListening.
MaxandBrian,whoarebrothers,arebothtuggingonthetoytruck,oneonthefront,theotheronthe
back.Bothareshoutingandscreamingoneiscrying.Eachistryingtousehispowertogethisway.
Ifparentsstayoutofthisconflict,theboysmayfindsomewayofresolvingitthemselves.Ifso,well
andgoodtheyhavebeengiventhechancetolearnhowtosolvetheirproblemsindependently.By
stayingoutoftheconflict,theparentshavehelpedbothboysgrowupalittle.
Iftheboyscontinuetofightandtheparentfeelsitwouldbehelpfultomoveintofacilitatetheir
problemsolving,adooropenerorinvitationisoftenhelpful.Hereishow:
MAX:Iwantthetruck!Gimmethetruck!Letgo!Letgo!
BRIAN:Ihaditfirst!Hecameinandtookitaway.Iwantitback!
PARENT:Iseeyoureallyhaveaconflictaboutthetruck.Doyouwanttocomehereandtalkabout
it?Iwouldliketohelpifyouwanttodiscussit.
Sometimes,justsuchadooropenerbringsanendtotheconflictimmediately.Itisasifchildren
sometimeswouldratherfindsomesolutionthemselvesratherthangothroughtheprocessofworking
itoutthroughdiscussioninthepresenceofaparent.Theythink,"Oh,itreallyisn'tthatbigadeal."
Someconflictsmayrequireamoreactiveroleonthepartoftheparent.Insuchcases,theparentcan
encourageproblemsolvingbyusingActiveListeningandturningintoatransmissionbelt,nota
referee.Itworkslikethis:
Max:Iwantthetruck!Gimmethetruck!Letgo!Letgo!
PARENT:Max,youreallywantthattruck.
BRIAN:ButIhaditfirst!Hecameinandtookitaway.Iwantitback!
PARENT:Brian,youfeelyoushouldhavethetruckbecauseyouhaditfirst.You'remadatMax
becausehetookitawayfromyou.Icanseeyoureallyhaveaconflicthere.Isthereanywayyoucan
seeofsolvingthisproblem?Gotanyideas?
BRIAN:Heshouldletmehaveit.
PARENT:Max,Brianissuggestingthatsolution.
Max:Yeah,hewould,'causethenhe'dgethisway.
PARENT:Brian,Maxissayinghedoesn'tlikethatsolution'causeyou'dwinandhe'dlose.
BRIAN:Well,I'dlethimplaywithmycarsuntilIgetthroughwiththetruck.
PARENT:Max,Brianissuggestinganothersolutionyoucanplaywithhiscarswhileheplayswith
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thetruck.
Max:DoIgettoplaywiththetruckwhenhe'sthrough,Mom?
PARENT:Brian,Maxwantstomakesureyou'lllethimplaywiththetruckwhenyou'rethrough.
BRIAN:Okay.I'llbethroughprettysoon.
PARENT:Max,Brianissayingthat'sokaywithhim.
Max:Okay,then.
PARENT:Iguessyou'vebothsolvedthisproblem,then,right?
Parentshavereportedmanysuchsuccessfulresolutionsofconflictsbetweenchildren,withtheparent
firstsuggestingthenolosemethodandthenfacilitatingcommunicationbetweenthecombatantsby
ActiveListening.Thoseparentswhohavedifficultybelievingthattheycaninvolvetheirchildrenin
thenoloseapproachneedtoberemindedthatintheabsenceofadultschildrenoftenresolvetheir
conflictswiththenolosemethodatschool,ontheplayground,ingamesandsports,andelsewhere.
Whenanadultispresent,andletshimselfbedrawninasjudgeorreferee,kidsareinclinedtousethat
adulteachappealingtotheadult'sauthoritytotrytowinattheexpenseoftheotherchild.
Usuallyparentswelcomethenolosemethodforresolvingchildchildconflicts,becausealmostall
havehadbadexperiencestryingtosolvetheirchildren'sfights.Invariably,whenaparenttriesto
resolveaconflict,onekidfeelstheparent'sdecisionisunfairandreactswithresentmentandhostility
towardtheparent.Sometimesparentsincurthewrathofbothchildren,perhapsbydenyingboth
childrenwhattheywerefightingfor("Nowneitheroneofyoucanplaywiththetruck!")
Manyparents,aftertheytrythenoloseapproachandkeepresponsibilitywiththekidsforworking
outtheirownsolution,tellushowterriblyrelievedtheyaretofindawayofstayingoutoftheroleof
judgeorreferee.Theytellus:"It'ssucharelieftofeelIdon'thavetosettletheirarguments.Ialways
usedtoendupbeingthebadguynomatterhowIdecided."
Anotherpredictableoutcomeofgettingkidstoresolvetheirownconflictswiththenolosemethodis
thattheygraduallystopbringingtheirfightsanddisagreementstotheirparents.Theylearnafter
awhilethatgoingtotheparentonlymeanstheyaregoingtoendupfindingtheirownsolution
anyway.Consequently,theydropthisoldhabitandstartresolvingtheirconflictsindependently.Few
parentscanresisttheappealofthisoutcome.
WHENBOTHPARENTSAREINVOLVEDINPARENTCHILDCONFLICTS
Stickyproblemsaresometimesencounteredinfamilieswhentheycomeupagainstconflictswithkids
inwhichbothparentshaveastake.
EveryoneonHisOwn
Itisessentialthateachparententersintonoloseproblemsolvingasa"freeagent."Theyshouldnot
expecttohavea"unitedfront"ortobeonthesamesideofeveryconflict,althoughonoccasionthis
mighthappen.Theessentialingredientinnoloseproblemsolvingisthateachparentberealeach
mustrepresentaccuratelyhisorherownfeelingsandneeds.Eachparentisaseparateandunique
participantinconflictresolutionandshouldthinkofproblemsolvingasaprocessinvolvingthreeor
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moreseparatepersons,notparentsalignedagainstchildren.
SomesolutionsunderconsiderationduringproblemsolvingmaybeacceptabletoMomand
unacceptabletoDad.SometimesDadandhisteenagesonmaybetogetheronaparticularissueand
Mommaytakeanopposingpointofview:SometimesMornmaybealignedclosertohersonwhile
Dadispushingforadifferentsolution.SometimesMomandDadwillbecloseintheirpositionsand
theteenager'spointofviewisatvariancewiththeirs.Sometimeseachparticipantwillfindhimselfat
oddswiththeothers.Familiesthatpracticethenolosemethoddiscoverthatallthesecombinations
occur,dependingonthenatureoftheconflict.Thekeytonoloseconflictresolutionisthatthese
differencesgetworkedthroughuntilasolutionisreachedthatisacceptabletoeveryone.
Inourclasseswehavelearnedfromparentswhattypesofconflictsmostcommonlybringoutmarked
differencesbetweenfathersandmothers:
1.Fathersmostfrequentlysidewithkidsonconflictsinvolvingpossiblephysicalinjurytokids.
Fathersseemtoacceptmorethanmotherstheinevitabilityofkids'gettinghurtsometimes.
2.Mothersmorefrequentlythanfathersseemtosidewiththeirdaughter'sreadinesstomove
intoboygirlrelationshipsandallthatgoeswiththat:makeup,dates,styleofdress,phonecalls,
andsoon.Fathersfrequentlyresistseeingtheirdaughtersmoveintodatingyoungmen.
3.Fathersandmothersoftendisagreeonissuesinvolvingbedtime.
4.Mothersusuallyhavehigherstandardsthanfathersaboutneatnessandcleanlinessofthe
home.
Thepointisthatmothersandfathersaredifferent,andthesedifferences,ifeachparentistobereal
andhonest,willinevitablyemergeinconflictsbetweenparentsandtheirchildren.Byairinghonest
differencesbetweenmothersandfathersinconflictresolutionallowingtheirhumannesstoshowand
beseenbytheirkidsparentsdiscoverthattheyreceivefromthemanewkindofrespectand
affection.Inthisrespect,kidsarenodifferentfromadultsthey,too,growtolovethosewhoare
humanandtheylearntodistrustthosewhoarenot.Theywanttheirparentstobereal,notplayinga
roleof"parents,"alwaysvoicingagreementwitheachotherwhethertheagreementisrealornot.
OneParentUsingMethod3,theOtherNot
WeareoftenaskedinP.E.T.whetheritispossibleforoneparenttoresolveconflictsbythenolose
Method3approachwhiletheotherdoesnot.Thequestioncomesupbecausenotallparentstakethe
coursewiththeirspouseseventhoughwestronglyurgethatwhentherearetwoparentsboth
participate.
Insomecaseswhereonlyoneparentiscommittedtochangetothenolosemethod,perhapsamother,
shesimplystartsresolvingallherconflictswiththekidsbyusingthenolosemethodandthefather
continuesusingMethod1inhisconflicts.Thismaynotcausetoomanyproblems,exceptthatthe
children,fullyawareofthedifference,oftencomplaintothefatherthattheynolongerlikehis
approachandwishhewouldsolveproblemsthewaytheirmotherdoes.Somefathersrespondtothese
complaintsbyenrollinginasubsequentP.E.T.class.Typicalofsuchfathersistheonewhoshowed
upatthefirstsessionofaP.E.T.classandadmitted:
"I'mheretonightinselfdefense,Iguess,becauseIbegantoseewhatgoodresultsmywifewas
gettingwithhernewmethods.Herrelationshipwiththekidshasimprovedandminehasnot.
Theytalktoherbuttheywon'ttalktome."
Anotherfather,atthefirstsessionoftheclassinwhichheenrolledafterhiswifehadbeenina
previousclass,madethiscomment:
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"Iwanttotellyouwomenwhoaretakingthiscoursewithoutyourhusbandswhatyoumight
expectfromhim.Asyoustartusingthenewmethodsoflisteningandconfrontingandproblem
solvingwiththechildren,heisgoingtofeelhurt,leftout.Hewillfeelhisroleasafatheris
beingtakenawayfromhim.Youwillbegettingresults,buthecan't.Ilashedoutatmywifeand
said,'WhatdoyouexpectofmeI'mnottakingthedamncourse.'DoyouunderstandwhyIsay
nowthatIcan'taffordnottotakethecourse?"
SomefatherswhodonotlearnthenewskillsandremaincontentwiththeirMethod1approachare
oftengivenabadtimebytheirwives.Onewifetoldusthatshebegantobuildupresentmentsand
endedupbeingquitehostiletowardherhusbandbecauseshecouldnotstandwatchinghimresolve
conflictswithpower."IseenowjusthowmuchharmtothechildrenMethod1produces,andIjust
cannotsitbyandwatchhimhurtthekidsthisway,"shetoldtheclass.Anothersaid,"Icanseeheis
ruininghisrelationshipwiththekidsandthatmakesmefeeldisappointedandsad.Theyneedtheir
relationshipwithhim,butitisgoingdownthedrainrapidly."
SomemothersenlistthehelpofclassmembersinP.E.T.togeneratethecouragetoconfronttheir
husbandsopenlyandhonestly.Irecalloneyoungmotherwhoinclasswashelpedtoseehowmuch
sheherselfactuallyfearedherhusbandandthereforehadavoidedconfrontinghimwithherfeelings
aboutusingMethod1.Somehow,bydiscussingthisinP.E.T.,shegainedenoughcouragetogohome
andtellhimthefeelingsshehadidentifiedinclass:
"Ilovemykidstoomuchtostandbyandseethemhurtbyyou.IknowwhatIhavelearnedin
P.E.T.isbetterforthekidsandIwantyoutolearnthesemethods,too.I'vealwaysbeenafraid
ofyouandIcanseeyou'redoingthesametothekids."
Theeffectsofherconfrontationastonishedthismother.Forthefirsttimeintheirrelationship,he
heardherout.Hetoldherhehadn'trealizedhowmuchhehaddominatedbothherandthechildren,
andsubsequentlyagreedtoenrollinthenextP.E.T.classintheircommunity.
Itdoesnotalwaysworkoutasfavorablyasinthisfamily,whenoneparentcontinuestouseMethod
1.Iamcertainthatinsomefamiliesthisproblemneverdoesgetresolved.Whileweseldomhear
aboutit,itislikelythatsomehusbandsandwivesneverdocometogetherintheirmethodsof
resolvingconflicts,orinsomecasesaparentwhohasbeentrainedinP.E.T.methodsmayevenreturn
toheroldwaysunderpressureofaspousewhorefusestogiveupusingpowertoresolveconflicts.
"CANWEUSEALLTHREEMETHODS?"
Weoccasionallyencounteraparentwhoacceptsthevalidityandbelievesintheeffectivenessofthe
noloseapproach,yetisnotwillingtogiveupthetwowinloseapproaches.
"Won'tagoodparentuseajudiciousmixtureofallthreemethods,dependingonthenatureofthe
problem?"askedafatherinoneofmyclasses.
Whileunderstandableinviewofsomeparents'fearofgivingupalloftheirpowerovertheirchildren,
thispointofviewisnottenable.Asitisnotpossible"tobealittlebitpregnant,"itisnotpossibleto
bealittlebitdemocraticinparentchildconflicts.Inthefirstplace,mostparentswhowanttousea
combinationofallthreemethodsreallymeanthattheywanttoreservetherighttouseMethod1for
thetrulycriticalconflicts.Translatedintosimplelanguagetheirattitudeis:"Onmattersthatarenot
tooimportanttothechildrenIwillletthemhaveavoiceinthedecision,butIwillreservetherightto
decidemywayonissuesthatareverycritical."
Ourexperienceseeingparentstrythismixedapproachisthatitsimplydoesnotwork.Children,once
givenatasteofhowgooditfeelstoresolveconflictswithoutlosing,resentitwhentheparentreverts
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backtoMethod1.OrtheymayloseallinterestinenteringintoMethod3onunimportantproblems
becausetheyfeelsoresentfuloflosingonthemoreimportantproblems.
Afurtheroutcomeofthe"judiciousmixture"approachisthatkidsacquireadistrustoftheirparent
whenMethod3istried,becausetheyhavelearnedthatwhenthechipsaredownandtheparenthas
strongfeelingsonaproblem,hewillendupwinninganyway.So,whyshouldtheyenterinto
problemsolving?Anytimeitgetstobearealconflict,theyknowDadisgoingtousehispowertowin
anyway.
SomeparentsmuddlethroughbyoccasionallyusingMethod1forproblemswherethekidsdonot
havestrongfeelingsthelesscriticalproblemsbutMethod3shouldalwaysbeusedwhenaconflictis
critical,involvingstrongfeelingsandconvictionsonthepartofthekids.Perhapsitisaprincipleinall
humanrelationshipsthatwhenonedoesn'tcaremuchabouttheoutcomeofaconflict,onemaybe
willingtogiveintoanother'spowerbutwhenonehasarealstakeintheoutcomeonewantstomake
suretohaveavoiceinthedecision.making.
"DOESTHENOLOSEMETHODEVERFAILTOWORK?"
Theanswertothisquestionis,"Ofcourse."Inourclasseswehaveencounteredsomeparentswhofor
variousreasonscannotputMethod3toworkeffectively.Whilewehavenotmadeasystematicstudy
ofthisgroup,theirparticipationinclassoftenrevealswhytheyareunsuccessful.
SomearetoofrightenedtogiveuptheirpowertheideaofusingMethod3threatenstheirlong
standingvaluesandbeliefsaboutthenecessityofauthorityandpowerinbringingupchildren.Often
theseparentshaveaverydistortedperceptionofthenatureofhumanbeings.Tothem,humanbeings
cannotbetrustedandtheyaresurethatremovingauthoritywillonlyresultintheirchildrenbecoming
savage,selfishmonsters.MostoftheseparentsnevereventrytouseMethod3.
Someoftheunsuccessfulparentshavereportedthattheirchildrensimplyrefusedtoenterintonolose
problemsolving.Usuallythesehavebeenolderteenagerswhoalreadyhavewrittenofftheirparents
orwhoaresobitterandangryattheirparentsthatMethod3appearstothemtogivefarmoretotheir
parentsthantheydeserve.Ihaveseensomeoftheseyoungstersinprivatetherapy,andImustadmit
thatIhavefrequentlyfeltthatthebestthingforthemwouldbetofindthecouragetobreakawayfrom
theirparents,leavehome,andsearchfornewrelationshipsthatmightbemoresatisfying.One
perceptiveboy,ahighschoolsenior,cametotheconclusiononhisownthathismotherwouldnever
change.HavingbecomeveryfamiliarwithwhatistaughtinP.E.T.byvirtueofhisreadinghis
parent'sclassworkbook,thisbrightteenagersharedwithmethesefeelings:
"Mymotherisnevergoingtochange.SheneverusesthemethodsyouteachinP.E.T.Iguess
I'lljusthavetostophopingthatshewillchange.It'sabummer,butsheisbeyondhelp.Now,I
havetofindawayofearningmyownliving,sothatIcanleavehome."
ItisapparenttoallofusintheP.E.T.programthatatwentyfourhourcoursedoesnotchangeall
parentsparticularlythosewhohavepracticedtheirineffectivemethodsforfifteenormoreyears.For
someoftheseparents,theprogramfailstoproduceaturnaround.Thisiswhywefeelsostrongly
aboutparentslearningthisnewphilosophyofchildrearingwhentheirchildrenareyoung.Asinall
humanrelationships,someparentchildrelationshipscanbecomesofracturedanddeterioratedthat
theymaybebeyondrepair.
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Chapter14HowtoAvoidBeingFiredasa
Parent.
Version2013.04.04
Moreandmoreoften,childrenfiretheirparents.Astheymoveintoadolescencekidsdismisstheir
mothersandfathers,writethemoff,severtheirrelationshipwiththem.Itishappeningtodayin
thousandsoffamilies,irrespectiveofsocialandeconomicclass.Bythedroves,youngstersareleaving
theirparents,physicallyorpsychologically,tofindmoresatisfyingrelationshipselsewhere,usually
withgroupsoftheirpeers.
Whyisthishappening?Iamconvincedbymyexperienceinworkingwiththousandsofparentsin
P.E.T.thatthesekidshavebeendrivenoutoftheirfamiliesbythebehavioroftheirparentsacertain
specifickindofbehavior.Parentsgetfiredbytheirkidswhentheyhassleandharanguethemto
changecherishedbeliefsandvalues.Adolescentsdismisstheirparentswhentheyfeeltheyarebeing
deniedtheirbasiccivilrights.
Parentslosetheiropportunitytohaveaconstructiveinfluenceontheirchildrenbytoodesperatelyand
toopersistentlytryingtoinfluencethemwherekidsarethemosteagertodeterminetheirownbeliefs
andtheirowndestiny.HereIwillexaminethiscriticalproblemandofferspecificmethodsfor
avoidingbeingfiredasparentsovertheseissues.
Whilethenolosemethodcanbedramaticallyeffectivewhenparentsacquiretheskillstoputitto
work,therearecertaininevitableconflictsthatparentsshouldnotexpecttoberesolved,evenwith
skillfuluseofthismethod,becausetheyareoftennotamenabletoMethod3problemsolving.We
refertotheseconflictsasvaluecollisions.
Ifparentstrytoinvolvetheiryoungstersinconflictresolutionforthesevaluescollisions,theywill
morethanlikelyfail.GettingparentstounderstandandacceptthisisadifficulttaskinP.E.T.,because
itrequiresgivingupsomeageoldideasandbeliefsabouttheroleoftheparentinoursociety.
Whenfamilyconflictsoccuroverissuesinvolvingcherishedvalues,beliefs,andpersonaltastes,
parentsmayhavetohandlethesedifferently,becausefrequentlykidsarenotwillingtoputthese
issuesonthebargainingtableorenterintoproblemsolving.Thisdoesnotmeanparentsneedtogive
uptryingtoinfluencetheirchildrenbyteachingthemvalues.Buttobeeffective,theywillhavetouse
adifferentapproach.
AQUESTIONOFVALUES
Conflictsinevitablyarisebetweenaparentandchildoverbehaviorsthatareintricatelyrelatedtoa
child'sbeliefs,values,style,preferences,philosophyoflife.Takehairstylesasaninitialexample.For
alotofkidstoday,hairstyleshaveimportantsymbolicmeaning.Itisnotnecessaryforaparentto
understandallcomponentsofthesymbolicmeaningofthehairstyleitisessentialtorecognizehow
importantitisforachildtohaveacertainhairstyle.Hevaluesit.Itmeanssomethingveryimportant
tohim.Heprefersitinasense,heneedstowearhishairthatwayhedoesn'tjustwantto.
Attemptsbyparentstofrustratethisneed,orstrongeffortstotakeawayfromhimwhathasstrong
valueforhim,willalmostinevitablybemetwithtenaciousresistance.Hishairstyleisanexpression
oftheyoungsterdoinghisownthing,livinghisownlife,actingouthisownvaluesandbeliefs.
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Trytoinfluenceyoursontocuthishairyourway,andhewillmostlikelytellyou:
"It'smyhair."
"Ilikeitthisway."
"Getoffmyback."
"IhavearighttowearmyhairthewayIwantit."
"It'snotaffectingyouinanyway."
"Idon'ttellyouhowtowearyourhair,sodon'ttellmehowtowearmine."
Thesemessages,properlydecoded,communicatetotheparent"IfeelIhavearighttomyvalueas
longasIcannotseehowitaffectsyouinanytangibleorconcreteway."Assumingitweremyown
son,Iwouldhavetosayheisright.Howhewearshishairinnoconceivablewaytangiblyor
concretelyinterfereswithmymeetingmyownneeds:itwon'tgetmefired,itwon'treducemy
income,itwon'tstopmefromhavingfriendsormakingnewones,itwon'tmakemeaworsegolfer,it
won'tpreventmefromwritingthisbookorpracticingmyprofession,anditcertainlywillnotprevent
mefromwearingmyhairthewayIprefer.Itwon'tevencostmemoney.
Yet,manybehaviors,suchasthewayaboywearshishair,aretakenoverbymostparentsandmade
intoproblemstheyfeelthey"own."HereishowitworkedoutforoneparentwhocametoaP.E.T.
class.
Parent:Isimplycannotstandyourhair.Youlookterrible.
Son:IlikethewayIlook.
Parent:Youcan'tbeserious.Youlooklikealoser.
Son:Whatareyoutalkingabout?
Parent:We'vegottoresolvethisconflictsomeway.Ican'tacceptyourhairthisway.Whatcanwedo?
Son:It'smyhairandI'llwearitthewayIwant.
Parent:Can'tyouatleastdosomethingtomakeitlookdecent?
Son:Idon'ttellyouhowtowearyourhair,doI?
Parent:No.ButthenIdon'tlooklikealoser.
Son:Stopcallingmethat.Myfriendslikeitparticularlythegirls.
Parent:Idon'tcare,itdisgustsme.
Son:Well,don'tlookatmethen.
Obviously,thisboyisnotwillingtoenterintoconflictresolutionabouthishairbecause,asheputsit,
"It'smyhair."Thefinaloutcome,iftheparentpersistsinpursuingthehairproblem,isthattheboy
willwithdrawhewillturnhisparentoff,walkaway,getoutofthehouse,orgotohisroom.
Parentsneverthelessmoveinpersistentlytomodifysuchbehaviorandthisinterventionalmost
invariablycausesfights,resistance,andresentmentfromthechildren,andusuallyaserious
deteriorationoftheparentchildrelationship.
Whenchildrenstronglyresistattemptstomodifybehaviorthattheyfeelwon'tinterferewiththe
parents'needs,theirbehaviorisnodifferentfromthatofadults.Noadultwantstomodifyher
behaviorwhensheisconvincedthatitisnothurtingsomeoneelse.Adultsaswellaschildrenwill
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fightvigorouslytomaintaintheirfreedomwhentheyfeelsomeoneispushingthemtochange
behaviorthatisnotinterferingwiththeotherperson.
Thisisoneofthemostseriousmistakesparentsmakeandoneofthemostfrequentreasonsfortheir
ineffectiveness.Ifparentswouldlimittheirattemptstomodifybehaviortowhatinterfereswiththe
parents'needs,therewouldbefarlessrebellion,fewerconflicts,andfewerparentchildrelationships
thatgosour.Mostparentsunwiselycriticize,cajole,andharasstheirchildrentomodifybehaviorsthat
havenotangibleorconcreteeffectontheparent.Indefense,childrenfightback,resist,rebel,orbreak
away.
Notinfrequently,kidsreactbyoverdoingtheverythingstheirparentsarepressuringthemnottodo,
assooftenhappensinthecaseofhairorclothingstyles,tattoos,orbodypiercing.Otherchildren,out
offearofparentalauthority,maygiveintotheirparent'spressuresbutharbordeepresentmentor
hatredtowardtheparentformakingthemchange.
Muchoftherebellionoftoday'sadolescentscanbeattributedtoparentsandotheradultswhoput
pressureonthemtomodifybehaviorthatthekidsfeelistheirownbusiness.
Childrendonotrebelagainstadultstheyrebelagainstadults'attemptstotakeawaytheirfreedom.
Theyrebelagainsteffortstochangethemormoldthemintheadults'image,againstadults'
harassment,againstadults'forcingthemtoactaccordingtowhattheadultsthinkisrightorwrong.
Tragically,whenparentsusetheirinfluencetotrytomodifybehaviorthatdoesnotinterferewiththe
parents'ownlives,theylosetheirinfluencetomodifybehaviorthatdoesinterfere.Myexperience
withchildrenofallagesisthattheyareusuallyquitewillingtomodifytheirbehaviorwhenitisclear
tothemthatwhattheyaredoingdoesinfactinterferewithsomeoneelse'smeetingherneeds.When
parentslimittheirattemptstomodifychildren'sbehaviortowhattangiblyandconcretelyaffectsthem,
theygenerallyfindchildrenquiteopentochange,willingtorespecttheneedsoftheirparents,and
agreeableto"problemsolve."
Stylesofdresslikehairstyleshavetremendoussymbolicvalueforkids.Inmydayitwasfaded
yellowcorduroypantsanddirty(alwaysverydirty)saddleshoes.Irememberitwasaritualforme,
onbuyingnewsaddleshoes,torubthemwithdirtbeforeIwouldevenconsiderwearingthem.
Nowadays,itmightbeanythingfrombaggyjeans,tattoos,bodypiercing,expensivebasketballshoes,
andanythingwithalogoonit.
HowIfoughtformyrighttowearthosecorduroysandsaddleshoes!Ineededthosesymbolsvery
much.Mostimportantly,myparentscouldnotmakealogicalcasethatmywearingthemtangiblyand
concretelyaffectedthem.
Therearetimeswhenachildwillunderstandandacceptthefactthatherwayofdressingwillhavea
tangibleandconcreteeffectonherparents.AnexampleisthatofJaneandthe"ugly"coatproblem,
whichIhavecitedrepeatedly.InthissituationitwascleartoJanethatifshewalkedtheseveral
blockstothebuswithoutsuitableprotectionfromtherain,shemightgetacoldthatherdadmight
catch,causinghimtomisswork.
Asecondexampleofaproblemamenabletonoloseproblemsolvingwastheconflictovermy
daughter'swishtogotoNewportBeachunchaperonedovertheEasterweekend.Inthiscaseitwas
cleartoherthatwemightlosesleepworryingorthatwemightbecalledoutinthemiddleofthenight
ifshehappenedtobeinagroupofkidsthatgothauledintoJuvenileCourt.
Evenconflictoverason'shairinrareinstancesmightbeamenabletoproblemsolving,asinone
familyIknow.Thefatherwasaschoolprincipal.Hefeltthathisjobmightbejeopardizedinthis
conservativecommunity,ifpeopletookhisson'shairstyleasevidencethatthefatherwastooliberal
forthejob.Inthisfamilythesonacceptedthisasatangibleandconcreteeffectofhishaironhis
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father'slife.Heagreedtochangehishairstyleoutofagenuineconcernforhisfather'sneeds.
Thismightnothavebeentheoutcomeinanotherfamilyinthesamecircumstances.Thepointis,the
childmustacceptthelogicthatherbehaviorishavingatangibleandconcreteeffectontheparent.
Onlythenwillshebewillingtoenterintonoloseproblemsolving.Thelessonforparentsisthatthey
hadbetterbeabletomakeagoodcaseforsomeparticularbehaviorhavingatangibleorconcrete
effectontheirlives,orthechildmaynotbewillingtonegotiate.
Sometimeskidswillbewillingtolimittheirunacceptablebehaviortotimesorplaceswherethe
parentdoesn'thavetoseeitorhearit.Andinreturntheparentagreesnottomakeanyfurther
influenceattempts.
Hereareotherbehaviorsthatsomeparentstolduswerenotacceptedasnegotiablebecausetheirkids
couldnotbeconvincedthattheirbehaviorwouldaffecttheirparentsinanytangibleorconcreteway:
Teenagedaughterlikingtattoos.
Teenagesonwearingoversizedjeansandbeatupshoes.
Adolescentwhopreferredagroupoffriendshisparentsdidnotlike.
Achildwhodawdledwhenhedidhomework.Childwantingtoquitcollegeandbecomearap
artist.
Fouryearoldwhostillcarriedaroundhisblanket.Daughterwhowantedtogethernoseor
navelpierced.
Daughterwholikedlowcutshirtsandveryshortskirts.
Youngsterwhorefusedtogotochurch.
Method3isobviouslynotamethodformoldingchildrentosuitparents.Ifparentstrytousethe
methodforthispurpose,itisasurebetthatthechildrenwillseethroughitandresist.Parentsthenrun
theriskofkillinganychancetouseitonproblemsthatdoaffectthemsuchasthechildrennotdoing
chores,makingexcessivenoise,destroyingproperty,drivingthecartoofast,leavingtheirclothes
aroundthehouse,notwipingtheirdirtyfeetbeforecomingintothehouse,monopolizingtheTVset
orthecomputer,notcleaningupthekitchenaftermakingsnacks,notputtingtoolsbackinthetool
box,tramplingthroughtheflowergarden,andcountlessotherbehaviors.
AQUESTIONOFCIVILRIGHTS
Parentchildbattlesoverhairandotherbehaviorsthatkidsfeeldonottangiblyorconcretelyaffect
theirparentsinvolveaquestionofyouth'scivilrights.Theyfeeltheyhavearighttoweartheirhair
theirownway,choosetheirownfriends,weartheirownkindofclothes,andsoon.Andyouthtoday,
asinothertimes,willdefendthisrighttenaciously.
Youths,likeadultsorgroupsornations,willfighttopreservetheirownrights.Theywillresistwith
alltheresourcestheycanmusteranyattempttotakeawaytheirfreedomortheirautonomy.Theseare
importantthingstothem,nottobenegotiatedorcompromisedorproblemsolvedaway.
Whydon'tparentsseethis?Whydon'tparentsunderstandthattheirsonsanddaughtersarehuman
beingsandthatitishumannaturetofightforfreedomwheneveritisthreatenedbyanother?Whydo
parentsfailtounderstandthatwearedealingwithsomethingverybasicandfundamentalherea
person'sneedtopreserveherfreedom?Whydon'tparentscomprehendthatcivilrightsmustbeginat
home?
Onereasonwhyparentsseldomthinkoftheirchildrenashavingcivilrightsisthewidespreadattitude
thatparents"own"theirchildren.Holdingthisattitude,parentsjustifytheireffortstomoldtheir
children,shapethem,indoctrinatethem,modifythem,controlthem,brainwashthem.Granting
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childrencivilrightsorcertaininalienablefreedomspresupposesviewingchildrenasseparatehuman
beingsorindependentpersons,havingalifeoftheirown.Notmanyparentsseetheirchildrenthis
waywhentheyfirstlearnP.E.T.Theyhavedifficultyacceptingtheprincipleofallowingtheir
childrenfreedomtobecomewhattheywanttobecome,providedtheirbehaviordoesnottangiblyand
concretelyinterferewiththeparent'sbecomingwhatheorshewantstobecome.
"CAN'TITEACHMYVALUES?"
ThisisoneofthemostfrequentlyaskedquestionsinP.E.T.,formostparentshaveastrongneedto
transmittheirmostcherishedvaluestotheiroffspring.Ouransweris:"Ofcoursenotonlycanyou
teachyourvaluesbutinevitablyyouwill."Parentscannothelpbutteachkidstheirvalues,simply
becausechildrenareboundtolearntheirparents'valuesbyobservingwhattheirmothersandfathers
do,andhearingwhattheysay.
TheParentasaModel
Parents,likemanyotheradultswithwhomchildrenwillcomeintocontactastheygrowup,willbe
modelsforthem.Parentsarecontinuouslymodelingfortheiroffspringdemonstratingbytheir
actions,evenlouderthanbytheirwords,whattheyvalueorbelieve.
Parentscanteachtheirvaluesbyactuallylivingthem.Iftheywanttheirchildrentovaluehonesty,
parentsmustdailydemonstratetheirownhonesty.Iftheywanttheirchildrentovaluegenerosity,they
mustbehavegenerously.Iftheywanttheirchildrentoadopt"Christian"values,theymustbehavelike
Christiansthemselves.Thisisthebestway,perhapstheonlyway,forparentsto"teach"childrentheir
values.
"DoasIsay,notasIdo"isnotaneffectiveapproachinteachingkidstheirparents'values."DoasI
do,"however,mayhaveahighprobabilityofmodifyingorinfluencingachild.
Parentswhowantchildrentobehonestwilldefeattheirpurposesif,whenreceivinganunwanted
invitationoverthephone,theylieinfrontofthechildren:"Oh,we'dlovetocomebutwe'reexpecting
outoftownguests."OrifDadmentionsatthedinnertablehowcleverhewasinpaddinghis
deductibleexpensesontheincometaxreturn.OrifMothercautionsherteenageson,"Nowlet'snot
sayanythingtoDadabouthowmuchIpaidforthenewDVDplayer."Orifbothparentsdonottell
theirkidsthewholetruthaboutlife,aboutsex,aboutreligion.
Parentswhowantchildrentovaluenonviolenceinhumanrelationswillseemlikehypocriteswhen
theyusephysicalpunishmentto"discipline."Irecallapoignantcartoondepictingafatherpaddling
hissonoverhisknee,shouting,"Ihopethisteachesyounottogoaroundhittingyourbabybrother!"
Parentsteachchildrenvaluesbylivingtheirownlivesaccordingly,notbypressuringkidstoliveby
certainrules.Ifirmlybelievethatoneoftheprincipalreasonswhyadolescentstodayareprotestingly
rejectingmanyofthevaluesofadultsocietyisthattheyhavedetectedhowadultsinsomanyways
failtopracticewhattheypreach.Totheirdismay,kidsdiscoverthattheirhighschooltextbooksdo
nottellthewholetruthaboutourgovernmentanditshistoryorthattheirteachersliebyomissionof
someofthefactsoflife.Theycannothelpfeelingangryatadultswhopreachcertainprinciplesof
sexualmoralitywhentheyhavebeenexposedonTVtomoviesandsitcomsportrayingadultsexual
behaviorthatisinconsistentwiththemoralitytheyespousefortheirchildren.
Yes,parentscanteachtheirvalues,iftheylivethem.Buthowmanyparentsdo?Teachyourvalues,
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yesyoumay,butbyexample,notbyverbalpersuasionorbyparentalauthority.Teachwhateveryou
havevaluedforyourself,butbybeingamodelwhopracticeshervalues.
Whattroublesparentsisthattheiroffspringmightnotbuytheirvalues.Thisistruetheymaynot.
Theymaynotlikesomevaluesoftheparents,ortheymaycorrectlyseethatsomevaluesheldby
parentsproduceresultsthatkidsdon'tlike(asinthecaseofsomeoftoday'syouth,whorejectthefast
paced,highstressjobstheirparentshavebecausetheyseethemas"values"thatproduceheartdisease
andburnout).
Whentheyfearthatyouthmightnotbuytheirvalues,parentsalwaysfallbackontherationalization
thattheyarejustifiedinusingtheirpowertoimposetheirvaluesontheirchildren."Theyaretoo
youngtojudgeforthemselves"isthemostfrequentlyexpressedjustificationforimposingvalueson
children.
Isitevenpossibletoimposevaluesonanotherhealthypersonbypowerandauthority?Ithinknot.
Morelikely,theresultisthatthosewhosemindsonewishestoinfluencewillresistevenmore
stronglysuchdomination,oftendefendingtheirbeliefsandvaluesallthemoretenaciously.Powerand
authoritymaycontroltheactionsofotherstheyseldomcontroltheirthoughts,ideas,beliefs.
TheParentasaConsultant
Inadditiontoinfluencingchildren'svaluesbymodeling,parentscanuseoneotherapproachtoteach
whattheyfeelis"rightorwrong."Theymaysharewiththeiroffspringtheirideas,theirknowledge,
andtheirexperience,muchasaconsultantdoeswhenherservicesarerequestedbyaclient.Thereisa
catchhere.Thesuccessfulconsultantsharesratherthanpreaches,offersratherthanimposes,suggests
ratherthandemands.Evenmorecritical,thesuccessfulconsultantshares,offers,andsuggestsusually
nomorethanonce.Theeffectiveconsultantoffersherclientsthebenefitofherknowledgeand
experience,yes,butdoesnothasslethemweekafterweek,doesnotshamethemiftheydon'tbuyher
ideas,doesnotkeeppushingherpointofviewwhenshedetectsresistanceonthepartofherclient.
Thesuccessfulconsultantoffersherideas,thenleavesresponsibilitywiththeclientforbuyingor
rejectingthem.Ifaconsultantbehavedasmostparentsdo,herclientwouldinformherthather
serviceswerenolongerdesired.
Today'syoutharedischargingtheirparentsinformingthemthattheirservicesarenolongerdesired
becausefewparentsareeffectiveconsultantstotheirkids.Theylecture,cajole,threaten,warn,
persuade,implore,preach,moralize,andshametheirkids,allinanefforttoforcethemtodowhat
theyfeelisright.Parentsgobacktotheirkidsdayafterdayafterdaywiththeirinstructionalor
moralizingmessages.Theydonotallowthechildtheresponsibilityforbuyingorrejecting,but
assumeresponsibilitythemselvesforthelearningoftheirchildren.Asconsultants,mostparents'
attitudeisthattheirclientsmustbuyiftheclientsdon't,theyfeeltheyhavefailed.
Parentsareguiltyofthe"hardsell."Nowonderthatinmostfamilieskidsaredesperatelysayingto
theirparents,"Getoffmyback,""Stophasslingme,""Iknowwhatyouthink,youdon'tneedtokeep
tellingmeeveryday,""Stoplecturingme,""Toomuch.""Goodbye."
Thelessonforparentsisthattheycanbehelpfulconsultantstotheirchildrentheycansharetheir
ideas,experience,wisdomiftheyremembertoactlikeaneffectiveconsultantsotheydonotgetfired
bytheclientswhomtheywishtohelp.
Ifyoubelieveyouhavesomeusefulknowledgeabouttheeffectsofcigarettesonthehealthof
humans,tellyourkidsaboutit.Ifyoufeelreligionhasbeenanimportantinfluenceinyourlife,share
thatwithyourkids.Ifyourunacrossagoodarticleabouttheeffectsofdrugsonyoungpeople'slives,
handthemagazinetoyourkidsorreaditoutloudtothefamily.Ifyouhavedataaboutthevalueof
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goingtocollege,shareitwiththekids.Ifyoulearnedinyouryouthhowtomakehomeworkless
irksome,offeryourmethodtoyourkids.Ifyouthinkyouareanexpertontheproblemofpremarital
sex,reportyourfindingstoyourkidsatanappropriatetime.
Onefurthersuggestionisbasedonmyownexperienceasaconsultant,whenIlearnedthatmymost
valuabletoolinworkingwithmyclientswasActiveListening.AsIofferednewideas,myclients
almostalwaysreactedinitiallywithresistanceanddefensiveness,inpartbecausemyideassometimes
rancontrarytotheirownbeliefsorhabitpatterns.WhenIcouldlistenactivelytothesefeelings,they
generallydisappearedandthenewideaswereeventuallyadopted.Parentswhowanttoteachkids
theirbeliefsandvaluesmustbealerttoresistancetotheirteaching,sensitivetoobjectionstotheir
ideas.Whenyouhearresistance,don'tforgetActiveListening.Itwillcomeinhandywhenyouare
beingaconsultanttoyourkids.
SotoparentsinP.E.T.andparentsreadingthisbook,wesay,"Sure,youcantrytoteachkidsyour
values,butstopsellingsohard!"Statethemclearly,butstophammering!Sharethemgenerously,but
nopreaching.Offerthemconfidently,butdon'timposethem.Thenretiregracefullyandallowyour
"clients"todecidewhethertheywillbuyorrejectyourideas.Anddon'tforgettouseActive
Listening!Ifyoudothesethings,yourchildrenmightaskforyourservicesagain.Theymightputyou
onaretainer,convincedthatyoucanbeahelpfulconsultantforthem.Theyjustmightnotwanttofire
you.
"ToAcceptWhatICannotChange"
ReadersmayrememberReinholdNiebuhr'sprayerthathasbeenquotedoften.Ithinkitgoeslikethis:
God,grantmethecouragetochangewhatIcanchangeTheserenitytoacceptwhatIcannot
changeAndthewisdomtoknowthedifference.
"TheserenitytoacceptwhatIcannotchange"isrelevanttowhatIhavejustbeendealingwith.For
therearemanybehaviorsofchildrenthatparentssimplymaynotbeabletochange.Theonly
alternativeistoacceptthisfact.Manyparentsstronglyresistourideaofbeingjustconsultantstotheir
children.Theysay:
"ButIhavearesponsibilitytoseetoitthatmychilddoesnotsmokecigarettes.
"Imustusemyauthoritytopreventmychildfromhavingpremaritalsex."
"I'mnotwillingtoactonlyasaconsultantonsmokingpot.Imustmakesuremysondoesn'tdo
it."
"Iwillnotbesatisfiedlettingmychildnotdoherhomeworkeverynight."
Itisunderstandablethatmanyparentsfeelsostronglyaboutcertainbehaviorsthattheydonotwantto
giveuptryingtoinfluencetheirchildren,butamoreobjectiveviewusuallyconvincesthemthatthey
havenootherfeasiblealternativeexcepttogiveuptoacceptwhattheycannotchange.
Takecigarettesmokingasanexample.Assumethattheparentshavegiventheirteenagerallthefacts
(theirownbadexperiencewiththehabit,theU.S.SurgeonGeneral'sReport,magazinearticles).Now,
supposetheyoungsterstillchoosestosmoke.Whatcantheparentsdo?Iftheytryprohibitingher
fromsmokinginthehouse,shewillundoubtedlysmokewhensheisawayfromthehouse(and
possiblysmokeathome,too,whentheparentsarenotthere).Obviouslytheycannotaccompanythe
childwheneversheleavesthehouse,norstayathomewheneversheisathome.Eveniftheycatchher
smoking,whatcantheypossiblydo?Iftheygroundher,shewillsimplywaituntilthegrounding
periodisoverandstartsmokingagain.Theoretically,theymighttrythreateningexpulsionfromthe
family,butfewparentsarewillingtotrysuchanextrememeasure,realizingthattheycouldendup
havingtofollowthroughontheirthreat.So,infact,parentshavenofeasiblealternativethantoaccept
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theirinabilitytomaketheirteenagerstopsmoking.Oneparentstatedherdilemmaaccuratelywhen
shesaid,"TheonlywayIcouldstopmydaughterfromsmokingwouldbetochainhertothe
bedpost."
Homework,aproblemthatbringsconflictinmanyfamilies,isanotherexample.Whatcanparentsdo
ifthechildwon'tdoherhomework?Iftheymakehergotoherroomshewillprobablyplayherradio
ormessarounddoinganythingbuthomework.Thepointis,youjustcannotmakesomeonestudyor
learn."Youcanleadahorsetowaterbutyoucan'tmakehimdrink"appliesequallytomakingachild
doherhomework.
Well,whataboutpremaritalsex?Thesameprincipleapplieshere.Itisimpossibleforparentsto
supervisetheirchildrenallthetime.AfatherinoneofmyP.E.T.classesadmitted,"Imightaswell
stoptryingtopreventmydaughterfromhavingpremaritalsex,becauseIsurecan't'rideshotgun'in
thebackseatofthecareverytimeshehasadate."
Otherbehaviorscanbeaddedtoourlistofthingsthatparentsmayhavenopowertochange.
Provocativeclothing,drinking,gettingintotroubleatschool,associatingwithcertainkids,smoking
marijuana,andsoon.Allaparentcandoistotrytoinfluencebybeingamodel,beinganeffective
consultant,anddevelopinga"therapeutic"relationshipwiththekids.Afterthat,whatelse?AsIseeit,
aparentcanonlyacceptthefactthatsheultimatelyhasnopowertopreventsuchbehaviors,ifthe
childisbentondoingthem.
Maybethisisoneofthepricesforbeingaparent.Youcandoyourbest,thenhopeforthebest,butin
thelongrunyouruntheriskthatyourbesteffortsmightnotbegoodenough.Ultimatelyyou,too,
maythenask,"Lord,grantme...theserenitytoacceptwhatIcannotchange."
Chapter15HowParentsCanPrevent
ConflictsbyModifyingThemselves.
Version2013.04.04
Thelastconceptthatweofferparentsisthattheycanpreventmanyconflictsbetweenparentandchild
bychangingsomeoftheirownattitudes.Thisideaispresentedlastbecauseitcanbesomewhat
threateningtoparentstobetoldthatsometimestheymightbetheoneswhoshouldchange,ratherthan
theirchildren.Itisfareasierformostparentstoacceptnewmethodstochangetheirchildrenandnew
methodsformodifyingtheenvironmentthantoaccepttheideaofmakingchangeswithinthemselves.
Parenthoodinoursocietyisconsideredmoreawaytoinfluencethegrowthanddevelopmentof
childrenthanthegrowthanddevelopmentofparents.Toooftenparenthoodmeans"raising"kidsthey
aretheonestoadjusttoparents.Thereareproblemkids,butnotproblemparents.Supposedlythere
aren'tevenproblemparentchildrelationships.
Yeteveryparentknowsthatinhisrelationshipswithaspouse,afriend,arelative,aboss,ora
coworkertherearetimeswhenhemustchangeinordertopreventseriousconflictsormaintainthe
healthoftherelationship.Everyonehashadtheexperienceofchanginghisownattitudeabout
someoneelse'sbehaviorbecomingmoreacceptingofanotherperson'swaysbychanginghisown
attitudeabouttheother'sbehavior.Youmayhavebeenveryupsetoverafriend'shabitualtendencyto
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belateforappointments.Overtheyearsyoubegintoacceptit,maybechuckleaboutit,andkidyour
friendaboutit.Nowyounolongergetupsetoverityouacceptitasoneofyourfriend's
characteristics.Hisbehaviorhasnotchanged.Yourattitudeabouthisbehaviorhas.Youhave
adjusted.Youhavechanged.
Parents,too,canchangeattitudesaboutthebehaviorofchildren.
Donna'smotherbecamemoreacceptingofherdaughter'sneedtowearherskirtsshortwhenshe
thoughtbackontheperiodinherownlifewhensheslavishlyfollowedthestyleofminiskirtsand
kneebootstothedismayofherownmother.
Ricky'sfatherbecamemoreacceptingofhisthreeyearoldson'shyperactivityafterheheardina
discussiongroupwithotherparentsthatthiskindofbehaviorwasverytypicalofboysatthatage.A
parentwouldbewisetorealize,then,thathecanreducethenumberofbehaviorshefinds
unacceptablebymodifyinghimselfsohebecomesmoreacceptingofthebehaviorofhischildor
childreningeneral.
Thisisnotasdifficultasitmayseem.Manyparentsbecomefarmoreacceptingofchildren'sbehavior
aftertheirfirstchild,andoftenevenmoreacceptingaftertheirsecondorthird.Parentsalsocan
becomemoreacceptingofchildrenafterreadingabookaboutkidsorafterhearingalectureonparent
educationorafteranexperienceasayouthleader.Directexposuretochildren,orevenlearningabout
childrenfromtheexperienceofothers,canmarkedlyalteraparent'sattitude.Therearestillmore
significantwaysforparentstochangesotheybecomemoreacceptingofchildren.
CANYOUBECOMEMOREACCEPTINGOFYOURSELF?
Studiesshowthatadirectrelationshipexistsbetweenhowacceptingpeopleareofothersandhow
acceptingtheyareofthemselves.Apersonwhoacceptshimselfasapersonislikelytofeelalotof
acceptanceforothers.Peoplewhocannottoleratealotofthingsaboutthemselvesusuallyfindit
difficulttotoleratealotinothers.
Aparentneedstoaskhimselfapenetratingquestion:"HowmuchdoIlikewhoIam?"
Ifthehonestanswerindicatesalackofacceptanceofhimselfasaperson,thatparentneedsto
reexaminehisownlifetofindwaystobecomemorefulfilledfromhisownachievements.Persons
withhighselfacceptanceandselfregardaregenerallyproductiveachieverswhoareusingtheirown
talents,whoareactualizingtheirownpotential,whoaccomplishthings,whoaredoers.
Parentswhosatisfytheirownneedsthroughindependentproductiveeffortnotonlyacceptthemselves
butalsoneedn'tseekgratificationoftheirneedsfromthewaytheirchildrenbehave.Theydon'tneed
theirchildrentoturnoutinaparticularway.Peoplewithhighselfesteem,restingonafirm
foundationoftheirownindependentachievement,aremoreacceptingoftheirchildrenandtheway
theybehave.
Ontheotherhand,ifaparenthasfewornosourcesofsatisfactionandselfesteemfromhisownlife
andmustdependheavilyongettingsatisfactionfromthewayothersevaluatehischildren,heislikely
tobenonacceptingofhischildrenespeciallythosebehaviorsthathefearsmaymakehimlooklikea
badparent.
Relyinguponthis"indirectselfacceptance,"suchaparentwillneedtohavehischildrenbehavein
certainspecifiedways.Andheismorelikelytobenonacceptingofthemandupsetwiththemwhen
theydeviatefromhisblueprint.
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Producing"goodchildren"highachieversinschool,sociallysuccessful,competentinathletics,and
soonhasbecomeastatussymbolformanyparents.They"need"tobeproudoftheirchildrenthey
needtheirchildrentobehaveinawaythatwillmakethemlooklikegoodparentstoothers.Inasense,
manyparentsareusingtheirchildrentobringthemafeelingofselfworthandselfesteem.Ifaparent
hasnoothersourceofselfworthandselfesteem,whichisunhappilytrueofmanyparentswhose
livesarelimitedtoraising"good"children,thestageissetforadependencyonchildrenthatmakes
theparentoveranxiousandseverelyneedfulthatthechildrenbehaveinparticularways.
WHOSECHILDRENARETHEY?
Manyparentsjustifystrongattemptstomoldtheirchildrenintoapreconceivedpatternbysaying,
"Afterall,theyaremychildren,aren'tthey?"or"Don'tparentshavetherighttoinfluencetheirown
childreninwhateverwaytheythinkbest?"
Aparentwhofeelspossessiveofachild,andthereforefeelsarighttomoldthechildinacertainway,
willbemuchmoreinclinedtofeelnonacceptingofthechild'sbehaviorwhenthatbehaviordeviates
fromtheprescribedmold.Aparentwhoseesachildassomeonequiteseparateandevenquite
differentnotatall"owned"bytheparentisboundtofeelacceptingtowardmoreofthechild's
behaviorbecausethereisnomold,nopreconceivedpatternforthechild.Suchaparentcanmore
readilyaccepttheuniquenessofachild,ismorecapableofpermittingthechildtobecomewhatheis
geneticallycapableofbecoming.
Anacceptingparentiswillingtoletachilddevelophisown"program"forlifealessaccepting
parentfeelsaneedtoprogramthechild'slifeforhim.
Manyparentsseetheirchildrenas"extensionsofthemselves."Thisoftencausesaparenttotryvery
hardtoinfluenceachildtobewhattheparentdefinesasagoodchildortobecomewhattheparent
regretfullyfailedtobecomehimself.Humanisticpsychologiststhesedaystalkalotabout
"separateness."Evidenceisaccumulatingthatinhealthyhumanrelationshipseachpersoncanpermit
theothertobe"separate"fromhim.Themorethisattitudeofseparatenessexists,thelesstheneedto
changetheother,tobeintolerantofhisuniquenessandnonacceptingofdifferencesinhisbehavior.
InmyclinicalworkwithfamiliesandwithP.E.T.classes,itfrequentlyisnecessarytoremindparents:
"Youhavecreatedalife,nowletthechildhaveit.Lethimdecidewhathewantstodowiththelife
yougavehim."GibranhasphrasedthisprinciplebeautifullyinTheProphet:
Yourchildrenarenotyourchildren.
TheyarethesonsanddaughtersofLife'slongingforitself.
Theycomethroughyoubutnotfromyou,
Andthoughtheyarewithyou,yettheybelongnottoyou.
Youmaygivethemyourlovebutnotyourthoughts,Fortheyhavetheirownthoughts...
Youmaystrivetobelikethem,butseeknottomakethemlikeyou.
Forlifegoesnotbackwardnortarrieswithyesterday.
Parentscanmodifythemselves,andreducethenumberofbehaviorsthatareunacceptabletothem,by
comingtoseethattheirchildrenarenottheirchildren,notextensionsofthemselves,butseparate,
unique.Achildhastherighttobecomewhatheiscapableofbecoming,nomatterhowdifferentfrom
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theparentortheparent'sblueprintforthechild.Thisishisinalienableright.
Doyoureallylikechildren,orjustacertaintypeofchild?
Ihaveknownparentswhoprofessalikingforchildren,butwhobytheirbehaviorclearlydemonstrate
thattheylikeonlycertainkindsofchildren.Fatherswhovalueathletesoftentragicallyrejectason
whoseinterestsandtalentsarenonathletic.Motherswhovaluephysicalbeautycanrejectadaughter
whodoesnotfittheculturalstereotypeoffemalebeauty.Parentswhoseliveshavebeenenrichedby
musicoftenshowanonmusicalchildhowdeeplydisappointedinhimtheyare.Parentswhovalue
academicandscholasticcompetencecancauseirreparableemotionaldamageinachildwhodoesnot
havethisspecialtypeofintelligence.
Fewerbehaviorswillbeunacceptabletoparentsiftheyrealizethatthereisaninfinitevarietyof
childrenbroughtintothisworldandaninfinitevarietyofwaysinlifeforthemtogo.Thebeautyin
nature,andthemiracleoflife,isthisvastvarietyinthelivingforms.
Ioftentellparents,"Don'twantyourchildtobecomesomethinginparticularjustwanthimto
become."Withsuchanattitudeparentswillinevitablyfindthemselvesfeelingmoreandmore
acceptingofeachchildandexperiencingjoyandexcitementwatchingeachbecome.
AREYOURVALUESANDBELIEFSTHEONLYTRUEONES?
Whileparentsareobviouslyolderandmoreexperiencedthantheirchildren,itisfrequentlyless
obviousthattheirparticularexperienceorknowledgehasgiventhemexclusiveaccesstothetruthor
providedthemwithsufficientwisdomtojudgealwayswhatisrightandwrong."Experienceisagood
teacher,"butitdoesnotalwaysteachwhatisrightknowledgeisbetterthanignorance,buta
knowledgeablepersonisnotalwayswise.
Ithasimpressedmetoseehowmanyparentsindeeptroubleintheirrelationshipswiththeirchildren
arepersonswithverystrongandveryrigidconceptsofwhatisrightandwrong.Itfollowsthatthe
morecertainparentsarethattheirownvaluesandbeliefsareright,themoretheytendtoimposethem
ontheirchildren(andusuallyonothers,too).Italsofollowsthatsuchparentsareapttobenon
acceptingofbehaviorsthatappeartodeviatefromtheirownvaluesandbeliefs.
Parentswhosesystemofvaluesandbeliefsismoreflexible,morepermeable,moreamenableto
change,lessblackorwhite,areinclinedtobefarmoreacceptingofbehaviorthatwouldappearto
deviatefromtheirvaluesandbeliefs.Again,itismyobservationthatsuchparentsarefarlesslikelyto
imposeblueprintsortrytomoldtheirchildrenintopreconceivedpatterns.Thesearetheparentswho
finditeasiertoaccepttheirson'sshavinghisheadeventhoughtheywouldnotvaluethatchoicefor
themselveswhofinditeasiertoacceptchangingpatternsofsexualbehavior,differentstylesof
clothing,orrebellionagainstschoolauthority.Thesearetheparentswhosomehowseemtoaccept
thatchangeisinevitable,"thatlifegoesnotbackwardnortarrieswithyesterday,"thatthebeliefsand
valuesofonegenerationarenotnecessarilythoseofthenext,thatoursocietydoesneed
improvements,thatsomethingsshouldbevigorouslyprotested,andthatirrationalandrepressive
authorityoftendeservestobestronglyresisted.Parentswithsuchattitudesfindmuchmoreofthe
behaviorofyouthunderstandable,justified,andgenuinelyacceptable.
ISYOURPRIMARYRELATIONSHIPWITHYOURSPOUSE?
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ManyAmericanparentslooktotheirchildrenfortheirprimaryrelationship,ratherthantotheir
spouse.Mothers,particularly,relyheavilyontheirchildrentogivethemsatisfactionsandpleasures
thatmoreappropriatelyshouldcomefromthemarriagerelationship.Frequentlythisleadsto"putting
thechildrenfirst,""sacrificingforthechildren,"orcountingheavilyonthechildren"turningout
well,"becauseoftheparents'heavyinvestmentintheparentchildrelationship.Theirchildren's
behaviormeansfartoomuchtotheseparents.Howthekidsbehaveistoocrucial.Theseparentsfeel
thatchildrenmustbeconstantlywatched,directed,guided,monitored,judged,evaluated.Itisvery
difficultforsuchparentstoallowtheirchildrentomakemistakesorstumbleintheirlives.Theyfeel
theirchildrenmustbeprotectedagainstfailureexperiences,shieldedagainstallpossibledanger.
Effectiveparentsareabletohaveamorecasualrelationshipwiththeirchildren.Theirmarriage
relationshipisprimary:Theirchildrenhaveasignificantplaceintheirlives,butitisalmosta
secondaryplaceifnotsecondary,atleastnomoreimportantthantheplaceofthespouse.Such
parentsseemtoallowtheirchildrenmuchmorefreedomandindependence.Theseparentsenjoy
beingwiththeirchildrenbutonlyforlimitedtimestheyalsoliketospendtimealonewiththeir
marriagepartner.Theirinvestmentisnotsolelyintheirchildrenitisalsointheirmarriage.Howtheir
childrenbehaveorhowmuchtheyachieve,therefore,isnotsocriticaltothem.Theyaremoreaptto
feelthatthechildrenhavetheirownlivestoliveandshouldbegivenmorefreedomtoshape
themselves.Suchparentsseemtocorrecttheirchildrenlessfrequentlyandmonitortheiractivitiesless
intensely.Theycanbetherewhenthechildrenneedthem,buttheydonotfeelstrongneedsto
interveneorpushintothelivesofthechildrenwithoutbeingasked.Theygenerallydonotneglect
theirchildren.Theycertainlyareconcernedaboutthembutnotanxious.Theyareinterested,butnot
smothering."Childrenarechildren"istheirattitude,sotheycanbemoreacceptingofwhattheyare
children.Effectiveparentsmoreoftenfeelamusedattheirchildren'simmaturityortheirfoibles,rather
thandevastated.
Theparentsinthislattergroupobviouslyareinclinedtobemuchmoreacceptingfewerbehaviors
willupsetthem.Theywillhavelessneedtocontrol,limit,direct,restrict,admonish,preach.They
canallowtheirchildrenmorefreedommoreseparateness.Parentsinthefirstgroupareinclinedtobe
lessaccepting.Theyneedtocontrol,limit,direct,restrict,andsoon.Becausetheirrelationshipwith
thechildrenistheprimaryone,theseparentshavestrongneedstomonitortheirbehaviorandprogram
theirlives.
Ihavecometoseemoreclearlywhyparentswhohaveanunsatisfactoryrelationshipwiththeirspouse
finditsodifficulttobeacceptingoftheirchildren:Theyaretooneedfuloftheirchildrenbringing
themthejoysandsatisfactionsthataremissinginthemaritalrelationship.
CANPARENTSCHANGETHEIRATTITUDES?
CanthisbookoraP.E.T.course(nowavailableonvideoasaselfstudyprogramthroughF.E.T.,
FamilyEffectivenessTraining)bringaboutachangeinsuchparentalattitudes?Canparentslearnto
becomemoreacceptingoftheirchildren?BeforeIwouldhavebeenskeptical.Likemostpractitioners
inthehelpingprofessions,Ihadcertainbiasescarriedoverfrommyformaltraining.Mostofuswere
taughtthatpeopledon'tchangemuchunlesstheygothroughintensivepsychotherapyunderthe
guidanceofaprofessionaltherapist,usuallylastingfromsixmonthstoayearorevenlonger.
Inrecentyears,however,therehasbeenaradicalshiftinthethinkingofprofessional"changeagents."
Mostofushavewatchedpeoplemakesignificantchangesinattitudesandbehaviorsasaresultof
havinganexperiencewithindividualandfamilycounselingortherapy,selfhelpseminars,books,
videotapes,andaudiotapes.Mostprofessionals(andmanyparents)nowaccepttheideathatpeople
canchangesignificantlywhentheygettheopportunitytolearnandpracticecommunicationand
conflictresolutionskills.
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AlmostalltheparentswhohaveparticipatedinourP.E.T.program(bothintheclassroomand
throughselfstudy)realizethattheirpresentattitudesandmethodsasparentsleavemuchtobe
desired.Manyknowtheyalreadyhavebeenineffectivewithoneormoreoftheirchildrenothersare
scaredaboutwhattheirpresentmethodsmightultimatelydotothechildrenallareacutelyawareof
howmanykidsaregettingintotroubleandhowmanyparentchildrelationshipsdeterioratewhenthe
childrenmoveintoadolescence.
Consequently,mostparentsinP.E.T.haveareadinessandwillingnesstochangetolearnnew,more
effectivemethods,toavoidmistakesofotherparents(ortheirown),andtodiscoveranytechnique
thatmightmaketheirjobeasier.Wehaveyettomeetaparentwhodoesnotwanttodoabetterjobof
raisinghischildren.
WithallthesethingsgoingforusinP.E.T.,itisnotsurprisingthatthetrainingexperiencebrings
aboutsignificantchangesinparents'attitudesandbehavior.Hereisasmallsampleofstatements
takenfromlettersorfromtheevaluationformsthatwehavereceivedfromparents:
"Weonlywishwehadbeenabletotakethiscourseyearsagobeforeourkidswereteenagers."
"Wenowtreatourkidswiththesamekindofrespectweshowourfriends."
"Ifeelfortunatetohavebeenoneoftheparentswhohavetakenthecourse.Morethanthat,I
feelmyoutlooktowardthewholehumanracehasbroadened,andIhavebecomemuchmore
acceptingofothersastheyare,notasIusedtoseethem."
"Ihavealwayslikedchildren,butnowIamlearningtorespectthemaswell.P.E.T.isnotjusta
classinchildrearing.Tome,itseemsawayoflife."
"ItmademerealizehowmuchIhadunderestimatedmychildrenandweakenedthemthrough
myoverprotectivenessandoverconscientiousness.Ihadbeenamemberofareallyfinechild
studygroup,butithadonlyreinforcedmyguiltfeelingsandkeptmetryingtobea'perfect
Mommy.'"
"IwassoskepticalandhadsuchlittlefaithinmychildrenIcanhardlybelieveit.WhenIfound
outthattheycopedwiththeirfeelingsandproblemsmuchbetterthanIeverhad,Ifeltthe
weightoftheworldhadbeenliftedfrommyshoulders.Istartedlivingformyself.Iwentback
toschool,andIwasamuchhappier,selffulfilledperson,therefore,abetterparent."
Notallparentsareabletomakethechangesinattitudesrequiredtobecomemoreacceptingoftheir
children.Somecometorealizethattheirmarriageisnotmutuallyfulfilling,sothatoneorbothcannot
beeffectivewiththechildren.Eithertheyseldomfindthetimeandenergybecausesomuchofitgoes
intotheirownmaritalconflicts,ortheyfindthattheycannotbeacceptingoftheirchildrenbecause
theyarenotfeelingacceptingofthemselvesashusbandandwife.
Otherparentsfinditdifficulttothrowofftheoppressivevaluesystem,acquiredfromtheirown
parentsandnowcausingthemtobeexcessivelyjudgmentalandnonacceptingoftheirchildren.Still
othershavetroublemodifyingtheirattitudeof"owning"theirchildrenortheirdeepcommitmenttoa
goalofmakingtheirchildrenfitapreconceivedmold:thisattitudeisfoundmostlyinparentswho
havebeenstronglyinfluencedbythedogmasofafewreligioussectsthatteachparentstohavea
moralobligationtomakeconvertsoutoftheirchildren,eventhoughitmaymeanusingthepowerand
authorityoftheparentorusingmethodsofinfluencenottoodissimilarfrombrainwashingand
thoughtcontrol.
Forsomeparentswhoseownbasicattitudestheyfindhardtomodify,theP.E.T.experience,for
whateverreason,opensthedoortoseekotherkindsofhelpgrouptherapy,maritalcounseling,family
therapy,orevenindividualtherapy.QuiteafewoftheseparentshavesaidthatbeforeP.E.T.they
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neverwouldhaveconsultedapsychologistorpsychiatristforhelp.Apparently,P.E.T.createsgreater
selfawarenessandthemotivationanddesireforpeopletochange,evenwhenP.E.T.itselfmaynotbe
enoughtobringaboutsignificantchange.
AftertheP.E.T.coursesomeparentsasktocontinuemeetingwithasmallergroupofmothersand
fatherssotheymaybehelpedtoworkthroughtheattitudesandproblemsthatpreventthemfrom
effectivelyemployingthenewmethodstheyhavelearned.Inthese"advancedgroups"parentsdeal
mainlywiththeirmarriagerelationship,theirrelationshipwiththeirownparents,orbasicattitudes
aboutthemselvesaspersons.Onlyaftertheirexperienceinthesedeepertherapeuticgroupsdothese
parentsacquiretheinsightandbringaboutthechangesinattitudesthatthenpermitthemtouseP.E.T.
methodseffectively.SoforsomeparentsP.E.T.maynotinitselfproduceenoughchangeinattitudes,
butitdoesstartaprocessofchangeorencouragesthemtostartdowntheroadtogreatereffectiveness
asapersonandparent.
ReadingthisbookisusuallynotthesameastakingaP.E.T.courseorF.E.T.videoprogram.
Nevertheless,Ifeelthatmostparentswillbeabletoobtainasoundunderstandingofthisnew
philosophyofraisingchildrenbyreadingandconscientiouslystudyingthisbook.Manyparentswill
beabletoacquirefromthisbookareasonablelevelofcompetenceinthespecificskillsrequiredto
putthephilosophytoworkathome.Theseskillscanbepracticedbythereaderfrequentlyandlong
aftertheyhavefinishedreadingthebooknotonlyinyourrelationshipwithyourchildrenbutalsoin
yourrelationshipwithyourspouse,yourbusinessassociates,yourparents,yourfriends.
Ourexperiencestellusthatbecomingmoreeffectiveinraisingresponsiblechildrenwilltakework
diligentworkwhethertheexposurecomesfromtheP.E.T.programorreadingthisbook,orboth.
Butafterall,whatjobdoesn'ttakework?
Chapter16TheOtherParentsofYour
Children.
Version2013.04.04
Throughouttheirlivesyourchildrenwillbeexposedtotheinfluenceofotheradultstowhomyou
delegatecertainparentalresponsibilities.Sincethosepeoplecarryoutparentalfunctionswithyour
children,they,too,willhaveastronginfluenceonyouryoungsters'growthanddevelopment.Irefer,
ofcourse,tograndparents,relatives,andbabysittersteachers,principals,andcounselorscoaches,
campdirectors,andrecreationalleadersYMCAandYWCAprogramdirectors,BoyScoutandGirl
Scouttroopleaders,HeadStartteachers,Sundayschoolteachers,andLittleLeaguemanagersand
paroleandprobationofficers.
Whenyouturnyourchildrenovertosuchsurrogateparents,whatassurancedoyouhaveabouttheir
effectiveness?Willtheseadultscreaterelationshipswithyoursonsanddaughtersthatwillbe
"therapeutic"andconstructiveor"nontherapeutic"anddestructive?Howeffectivewilltheybeas
helpingagentsforyouryoungsters?Canyouturnyourchildrenovertotheseyouthworkersandtrust
thatyourchildrenwillnotbedamaged?
Theseareimportantquestionsbecauseyourchildren'sliveswillbestronglyinfluencedbyalladults
withwhomtheydeveloprelationships.
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ManyoftheseparentsurrogateslearntheskillsthroughaP.E.T.classorvideoselfstudy.Wehave
alsoworkedwithsuchpeopleinourotherspeciallydesignedtrainingprograms:Teacher
EffectivenessTraining,LeaderEffectivenessTraining,andtheConflictResolutionWorkshop,aswell
asotherprogramsweoffer.Wehavelearnedthatmostoftheseprofessionalpeopleareremarkably
similartoparentsintheirattitudestowardkidsandintheirmethodsofdealingwiththem.They,too,
usuallyfailtolistentochildrenthey,too,talktochildreninwaysthatputthemdownanddamage
theirselfesteemthey,too,relyheavilyonauthorityandpowertomanipulateandcontrolchildren's
behaviorthey,too,arelockedintothetwowinlosemethodsofconflictresolutionthey,too,hassle
andharangueandpreachandshamechildreninattemptstoshapetheirvaluesandbeliefsandmold
themintotheirownimage.
Naturally,thereareexceptions,justasthereareexceptionsamongparents.But,byandlarge,the
adultswhotouchthelivesofyourchildrenlackthebasicattitudesandskillstobeeffectivehelping
agents.Likeparents,theyhavenotbeenadequatelytrainedtobeeffective"therapeuticagents"inan
interpersonalrelationshipwithachildoradolescent.Andso,unhappily,theycandodamagetoyour
children.
Iwilluseschoolteachersandschooladministratorsasexamples,butthisdoesnotimplythattheyare
themostineffectiveormostneedfuloftraining.Butbecausetheyspendsomuchtimewithyour
children,theyhavethegreatestpotentialforinfluencingthem,forgoodorbad.Drawingonour
experienceofworkinginmanyschooldistricts,itiscleartomethatschools,withveryfew
exceptions,arebasicallyauthoritarianinstitutionsthatmodeledtheirorganizationalstructureand
leadershipphilosophyaftermilitaryorganizations.
Rulesandregulationsforstudentconductarealmostinvariablydeterminedunilaterallybyadultsat
thetopofthehierarchy,withoutparticipationofyoungsterswhoareexpectedtoobeythem.
Infractionsoftheserulesbringpunishmentsinsomecases,believeitornot,physicalpunishment.
Evenclassroomteachersarenotgivenavoiceinestablishingrulesofconductthattheyareexpected
toenforce.Yet,theseteachersareusuallyjudgedmoreonhoweffectivelytheymaintainorderinthe
classroomthanonhoweffectivetheyareinencouraginglearning.
Schoolsalsoimposeonchildrenacurriculumthatmostkidsconsiderdullandnotatallrelevantto
whatisgoingonintheirlives.Then,recognizingthatsuchacurriculumisnotlikelytomotivate
studentsbyvirtueofinterestandrelevance,theschoolsalmostuniversallyemployasystemof
rewardsandpunishmentstheubiquitousgradesthatalmostinsuresthatacertainratherlarge
percentageofchildrenwillbelabeled"belowaverage."
Intheclassroom,childrenarefrequentlyscoldedandputdownbytheirteachers.Theyarerewarded
fortheirabilitytorecitebackwhattheyhavebeentoldtoread,andoftenchastisedfordissentor
disagreement.Almostuniversally,atleastintheupperelementaryschoolgradesandinjuniorand
seniorhighschool,teachersarequiteineffectiveingettingtheirclassestoparticipateinmeaningful
groupdiscussionsbecausemanyteachershabituallyrespondtostudents'contributionswiththe
"twelveroadblocks."Soopenandhonestcommunicationfromthestudentsisdiscouragedbyallbuta
fewteachers.
Whenchildren"actup"inclass,astheynaturallywillinsucha"nontherapeutic"anduninteresting
climate,theconflictsareusuallyhandledbyMethod1,insomecasesbyMethod2.Kidsareoften
orderedtogoseetheprincipalorthecounselor,whoaresupposed,totrytoresolvetheseteacher
studentconflictsalthoughonememberoftheconflictisnotpresentnamely,theteacher.So,usually,
theprincipalorcounselorassumesthechildisatfaultandforthwitheitherpunishesorlecturesher,or
extractsapromiseto"ceaseanddesist."
Inmostschools,studentsareblatantlydeniedcivilrightstherightoffreespeech,therighttowear
theirhairastheyprefer,therighttoweartheclothestheylike,therighttodissent.Schoolsalsodeny
childrentherighttorefusetotestifyagainstthemselves,andifkidsgetintotrouble,administrators
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seldomfollowthecustomaryproceduresof"dueprocessoflaw"guaranteedtocitizensbythejudicial
system.
Isthisadistortedpictureofourschools?Ithinknot.Manyotherobserversoftheschoolsystemare
seeingthesamedeficiencies.(SeereferencesintheSuggestedReadingListtobooksbyHolt,Neill,
Rogers)
Furthermore,oneneedonlyaskyoungstershowtheyfeelaboutschoolsandschoolteachers.Many
kidssaytheyhateschoolandthattheirteacherstreatthemdisrespectfullyandunfairly.Mostkids
cometoexperienceschoolasaplacewheretheymustgotheyexperiencelearningassomethingthat
isseldompleasantorfuntheyexperiencestudyingastediousworkandtheyseetheirteachersas
unfriendlypoliceofficers.
Whenchildrenareassignedtoadultswhosetreatmentofthemproducessuchnegativereactions,
parentscannotbeexpectedtoshoulderalltheblameforthewaytheirkidsturnout.Parentscanbe
blamed,yes,butotheradultsmustsharetheblame.
Whatcanparentsdo?Cantheyexertconstructiveinfluenceontheotherparentsoftheirchildren?Can
theyhaveavoiceindecidinghowtheirchildrenaretalkedtoandtreatedbyotheradults?Ibelieve
theycan,andtheymust.Buttheymustbecomemuchlesspassiveandsubmissivethantheyhavebeen
inthepast.
First,theymustalertthemselvestodetectinalltheinstitutionsthatserveyouthanyevidencethattheir
childrenarecontrolledandsuppressedbyadultsarbitrarilyexercisingpowerandauthority.Theymust
standupandfightagainstthosewhoadvocate"beingtoughwithkids,"whosanctiontheuseofpower
indealingwithkidsunderthebannerof"lawandorder,"whojustifyauthoritarianmethodsonthe
groundsthatonecannottrustchildrentoberesponsibleorselfdisciplined.
Parentsmustgetoffthebenchandgotobattoprotecttheirchildren'scivilrightswhenevertheyare
threatenedbyadultswhofeelthatkidsdonotdeservesuchrights.
Parentscanalsoadvocateandsupportprogramsthatofferinnovativeideasandmethodsforbringing
aboutreformintheschoolssuchasthosethatprovidecurriculumchange,eliminatethegrading
system,introducenewinstructionalmethodologies,givestudentsmorefreedomtolearnontheirown
andattheirownpace,offerindividualizedinstruction,givekidsachancetoparticipatewithadultsin
theschools'governingprocess,ortrainteacherstobemorehumanisticandtherapeuticinrelatingto
kids.
Suchprogramsarealreadyavailableincommunitiesthatwanttoimprovetheirschools.Manymore
areintheplanningstage.Parentsneednotbeafraidofsuchneweducationalprograms,butrather
shouldwelcomethem,encourageadministratorstotrythemoutandtesttheireffects.
TheprogramwithwhichIammostfamiliarisourown:T.E.T.TeacherEffectivenessTraining.This
coursehasbeenofferedinmanyhundredsofschooldistrictsinallsectionsoftheUnitedStates,as
wellasinothercountries.Theresultswehaveseenhavebeenencouraging.
InonejuniorhighschoolinCupertino,California,ourprogramwasresponsiblefortheprincipal's
involvingbothteachersandstudentsinaprojecttorewriteallthestudentconductregulations.This
participativeadultstudentproblemsolvinggroupdiscardedtheiroldthickrulebookandsubstituted
twosimplerules:noonehastherighttointerferewithanother'slearning,andnoonehastheright
physicallytoharmanother!Theprincipalreportedthiseffect:
"Thereduceduseofpowerandauthorityovertheentirestudentbodyresultedinamoreself
directedstudentpopulationwithpupilsassumingmoreresponsibilityfortheirownbehavioras
wellasthebehaviorofothers."
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Inanotherschool,inPaloAlto,California,byusingourMethod3conflictresolutionprocedureina
classroomthathadallbutdisintegratedbecauseoflackofdiscipline,ateacherreducedthenumberof
"unacceptableanddisruptiveacts"fromthirtyperclasshourtoanaverageof4.5perclasshour.A
followupquestionnairerevealedthat76percentofthestudentsfeltthattheclasshadaccomplished
moreworksincetheproblemsolvingsessionsandninetyfivepercentfelttheclassroomatmosphere
waseither"improved"or"greatlyimproved."
TheprincipalofApolloHighSchoolinSimiValley(wroteabouttheeffectsofTeacherEffectiveness
Trainingonhimandonhisschool:
1.Disciplineproblemshavedecreasedatleastfiftypercent.Ifindittobeasatisfactoryand
effectivemethodofhandlingbehaviorproblemswithoutsuspendingstudents.Ilearnedthat
suspensiononlyeliminatestheproblemforthreeorfourdaysanditdoesnothingtocounteract
thecausesofthebehavior.TheskillsIlearnedintheP.E.T.classfacilitateproblemsolving
withinthestudent,betweenthestaffandadministration,andbetweenteachersandstudents.
2.Wehaveinstitutedschoolmeetingswhereinwefeelwepreventconflictsbeforetheyarise.
WeuseDr.Gordon'sproblemsolvingmethod,andhavebeensuccessfulinpreventingconflicts
frombecomingbehavioralproblems.
3.Myrelationshipswithstudentshaveimprovedimmensely,byallowingstudentstohavethe
responsibilityfortheiractionsandbehaviorandtohavetheprivilegeofdealingwiththeirown
problems.
TheprincipalofanelementaryschoolinLaMesawrotethisevaluationoftheT.E.T.program:
Asanelementaryschoolprincipalworkingwithalargenumberofstaffmemberstrainedinthe
TeacherEffectivenessTrainingprogram(sixteenoutoftwentythree)Ihaveobserved
behavioralchangesinbothstudentsandfacultydirectlyattributabletothisprogram:
1.Teachersfeelconfidentintheirownabilitiestohandledifficultbehaviorproblems.
2.Theemotionalclimateofclassroomsisfarmorerelaxed,farhealthier.
3.Childrenareinvolvedinestablishingtherulesunderwhichtheirschoolexperiencesare
structured.Therefore,theyhaveapersonalcommitmenttotheserules.
4.Childrenarelearninghowtosolvesocialproblemswithoutusingforceor
manipulation.
5.Farfewer"`disciplinecases"arereferredtome.
6.Teacherbehaviorisfarmoreappropriate,i.e.,studentcounselingisdonenowwhenthe
studenthasaproblem,notwhentheteacherhasaproblem.
7.Teachersarefarmoreeffectiveinsolvingtheirownproblemswithoutresortingtouse
offorcewithchildren.
8.Teacherabilitytoconductmeaningfulparentteacherconferenceshasincreased.
Significantchangescanbeproducedinschoolsbygivingadministratorsandteacherstraininginthe
sameskillsthatwehavebeenteachingparentsinP.E.T.Butwehavelearnedthatschoolsarenot
opentochangeinthosecommunitieswheremostoftheparentsarecommittedtomaintainingthe
statusquo,arefrightenedofchange,oraresteepedinthetraditionofauthoritariantreatmentofyouth.
Myhopeisthatmoreparentscanbeinfluencedtostartlisteningtotheirkidswhentheycomplain
aboutthetreatmenttheyreceivefrommanyteachers,coaches,SundaySchoolteachers,andyouth
leaders.Theycanbegintotrustthevalidityoftheiryoungsters'feelingswhentheysaytheyhate
schoolorresentthewaytheyaretreatedbyadults.Parentscanfindoutwhatiswrongwiththese
institutionsbylisteningtothekidsandnotalwaysdefendingtheinstitutions.
Onlybyarousedparentswilltheseinstitutionsbeinfluencedtobecomemoredemocratic,more
humanistic,andmoretherapeutic.WhatisneededmorethananythingIknow,isnothinglessthanan
entirelynewphilosophyfordealingwithchildrenandyouth,anewBillofRightsforyouth.No
longercansocietytreatchildrenaschildrenweretreatedtwothousandyearsago,anymorethanitcan
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sanctionthewayminoritygroupshavebeentreatedinthepast.
Iofferonesuchphilosophyofadultchildrelationships,intheformofacredo,uponwhichourP.E.T.
programshavebeenbuilt.WrittenseveralyearsagoinanattempttoputtheP.E.T.philosophyintoa
succinctandeasilyunderstoodstatement,itishandedtotheenrolleesinourcourses,andofferedhere
asachallengetoalladults:
ACredoforMyRelationships
YouandIareinarelationshipthatIvalueandwanttokeep.Yeteachofusisaseparatepersonwith
ourownuniqueneedsandtherighttotrytomeetthoseneeds.Iwilltrytobegenuinelyacceptingof
yourbehaviorwhenyouaretryingtomeetyourneedsorwhenyouarehavingproblemsmeetingyour
needs.
Whenyoushareyourproblems,Iwilltrytolistenacceptinglyandunderstandinglyinawaythatwill
facilitateyourfindingyourownsolutionsratherthandependinguponmine.Whenyouhavea
problembecausemybehaviorisinterferingwithyourmeetingyourneeds,Iencourageyoutotellme
openlyandhonestlyhowyouarefeeling.Atthosetimes,Iwilllistenandthentrytomodifymy
behavior,ifIcan.
However,whenyourbehaviorinterfereswithmymeetingmyownneeds,thuscausingmetofeelnon
acceptingofyou,IwillsharemyproblemwithyouandtellyouasopenlyandhonestlyasIcan
exactlyhowIamfeeling,trustingthatyourespectmyneedsenoughtolistenandthentrytomodify
yourbehavior.
Atthosetimeswheneitherofuscannotmodifyourbehaviortomeettheneedsoftheotherandfind
thatwehaveaconflictofneedsinourrelationship,letuscommitourselvestoresolveeachsuch
conflictwithouteverresortingtotheuseofeithermypoweroryourstowinattheexpenseofthe
otherlosing.Irespectyourneeds,butIalsomustrespectmyown.Consequently,letusstrivealways
tosearchforsolutionstoourinevitableconflictsthatwillbeacceptabletobothofus.Inthisway,
yourneedswillbemet,butsowillminenoonewilllose,bothwillwin.
Asaresult,youcancontinuetodevelopasapersonthroughmeetingyourneeds,butsocanI.Our
relationshipthuscanalwaysbeahealthyonebecauseitwillbemutuallysatisfying.Eachofuscan
becomewhatwearecapableofbeing,andwecancontinuetorelatetoeachotherwithfeelingsof
mutualrespectandlove,infriendshipandinpeace.
WhileIhavenodoubtthatthiscredo,ifadoptedandpracticedbyadultsininstitutionsservingyouth,
wouldintimebringaboutconstructivereforms,Ialsorealizethatsuchreformmaybealongtimein
coming.Afterall,today'sadultsareyesterday'schildrenandarethemselvestheproductsof
ineffectiveparenthood.
Weneedanewgenerationofparentswhowillacceptthechallengeoflearningtheskillsforraising
responsiblechildreninthehome.Forthisiswhereitallmuststart.Anditcanstarttheretoday,this
minuteinyourhome.
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Appendix1ListeningforFeelingsAn
Exercise.
Version2014.02.03
Childrencommunicatetoparentsmuchmorethanwordsorideas.Behindthewordsarefeelings.
Followingaresometypical'messages'childrensend.
Readeachofthetwenty'messages'separately,andlistencarefullyforfeelings.
Foreach'message',writethefeelingorfeelingsyouhearusingoneorseveralwords.Discardthe
"content"ofthe'message',andwriteinonlythefeelings.
Someofthechild'sstatementsmaycontainseveraldifferentfeelings.Recordallofthemainfeelings
youhearforeach'message'.
Childisfeeling
Toseetheanswersbelow:
Childsays
Hover:Toseeasingleanswer,hoveryour
mousecursorwithinoneofthiscolumn'scells
belowtopossiblyseetheanswerpopup.
or...
[Ctrl]+[A]:Todisplayalloftheanswersin
thecolumnbelow,holddownyourkeyboard
'Ctrl'key,&clickthe'A'key)
EXAMPLE:Idonotknowwhatiswrong.Ican
notfigureitout.MaybeIshouldquittrying.
Oh,boy.Onlytwomoredaysuntilschoolisout.
Look,Daddy.Imadeanairplanewithmynew
tools.
Willyouholdmyhandwhenwegointothe
nurseryschool?
Iamnothavinganyfun.Icannotthinkof
anythingtodo.
I'llneverbegoodlikeJim.Ipracticeandpractice
andheisstillbetterthanIam.
Mynewteachergivesustoomuchhomework.I
cannevergetitalldone.WhatwillIdo?
Alloftheotherkidswenttothebeach.Idonot
haveanyonetoplaywith.
Jim'sparentslethimridehisbiketoschool,butI
amabetterriderthanhim.
IshouldnothavebeensomeantoNicholas.I
guessIwas'bad'.
Stumpeddiscouragedtemptedtogiveup.
Gladrelieved
Proudpleased
Afraidfearful
Boredstumped
Inadequatediscouraged
Overwhelmeddefeated
Leftbehindlonely
Unfairlytreatedcompetent
Guiltyregretful
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Iwanttowearmyhairthiswayitismyhair,isit
not?
DoyouthinkIamdoingthisreportright?Willit
begoodenough?
Whydidshemakemestayafterschoolanyway?I
wasnottheonewhowastalking.Iwouldliketo
punchherinthenose.
Icandoitmyself.Youdonotneedtohelpme.I
amoldenoughtodoitmyself.
Mathistoohard.Iamtoodumbtounderstandit.
Goawayleavemealone.Idonotwanttotalkto
youoranybodyelse.Youdonotcarewhat
happenstomeanyway.
Forawhile,Iwasdoinggood,butnowIamworse
thanbefore.Itryhardbutitdoesnotseemtohelp.
Whatistheuse?
Iwouldsureliketogo,butIjustcannotcallher
up.Whatifshewouldlaughatmeforaskingher?
IneverwanttoplaywithPamanymore.Sheis
mean.
IamsuregladthatIhappenedtobebornthebaby
ofyou(two)ratherthansomeotherparent(s).
IthinkIknowwhattodo,butmaybeitisnotright.
Ialwaysseemtodothewrongthing.Whatdoyou
thinkIshoulddo?Workorgotocollege?
P.E.T.
Resentful
Doubtuncertainty
Angryunfairlytreatedhateful
Competentresentfulofhelp
Frustratedinadequate
Hurtangryunloved
Discouragedwantstogiveup
Wantstogoafraid
Angry
Gladgratefulappreciative
Uncertainunsure
SCORING:(Optional)
Whenyouhavefinished,compareyourrecordedfeelingswiththefeelingslisted(althoughpresently
hidden)inthelastcolumnabove.
Ctrl+A:Todisplaythehiddenfeelingslistedinthelastcolumnabove,clickonceinsideanyofthe
tablecellsabove.Thenholddownyourkeyboardkey"Ctrl",andwhileholdingthatControlkeyclick
yourkeyboardkey"A".[Ctrl+A]
Giveyourselfa4onthoseitemswhereyoufeelyourchoicescloselymatchthoseontheScoringKey.
Scoreyourselfa2onitemswhereyourchoicesonlypartiallymatchorwhereyoumissedaparticular
feeling.
Giveyourselfa0ifyoumissedaltogether.
Totalallofyouritemscores.
Yourtotalscore:
Howyourateinrecognizingfeelings:
6180Superiorrecognitionoffeelings.
4160Aboveaveragerecognitionoffeelings.
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2140Belowaveragerecognitionoffeelings.
0020Poorrecognitionoffeelings.
Appendix2RecognizingIneffectiveMessages
AnExercise.
Version2013.04.04
Readeachsituationandthemessagesentbytheparent.
Inthecolumn"FaultySendingBecause",writeinthereasonwhytheparent'smessagewasnot
'effectivesending',usingthefollowinglistofseven"sendingerrors":
Blaming,judging.
Hitandrun.
Indirectmessage,sarcasm.
Namecalling.
Sendingsolutions,orders.
Undershooting.
Ventingsecondaryfeelings.
Faultysendingbecause
Toseetheeanswers
below:
Situation
Hover:Toseeasingle
IMessage
answer,hoveryour
mousecursorwithinone (Thiscolumnis
ofthiscolumn'scells
purposefully
FaultyMessage belowtopossiblyseethe blanksothat
answerpopup.
youcancreate
yourownI
or...
message)
[Ctrl]+[A]:Todisplay
alloftheeanswersinthe
columnbelow,holddown
yourkeyboard'Ctrl'
key,&clickthee'A'key)
"Thatwasof
stupidofyou.The
Blamingjudging
babycouldhave
cutherself."
"Stopthatfighting
KidsfightingaboutwhichTV
andturntheTV Sendingsolutions,orders
programtowatch.
offthisminute."
Daughterarriveshomeat1:30A.M. "Well,youcan
Blaming,judging.
afteragreeingtobeinbymidnight. notbetrusted,I
EXAMPLE:Tenyearoldleft
pocketknifeonthefloorofthe
baby'sroom.
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Parenthasbeenworriedthat
somethingmighthavehappenedto
her.Parentisrelievedwhenshe
finallygetshome.
Twelveyearoldleftgatetopool
open,endangeringtwoyearold.
Teachersentnotehomestatingthat
elevenyearoldwasdoingtoomuch
loudand'filthy'talkinginclass.
Motherisangryandfrustrated
becausechildisdawdlingand
makingherlateforanappointment.
Mothercomesintothehouseand
findsthelivingroomallmessedup
aftershehadaskedthekidstoclean
itupforcompany.
Fatherisrepulsedbythesightand
odorofhisdaughter'sdirtyfeet.
Childisdisturbingyoubecauseheis
takingtheattentionofyourguests
byturningsomersaults.
Youareangryatyourchildbecause
disheswerenotputawayafter
washing.Aschildisrunningoffto
catchtheschoolbus,youshout,...
P.E.T.
see.Iamsoangry
atyou.Youareto
begroundedfora
month.
"Whatdidyou
wanttodo?
Drownyourbaby
brother?Iam
furiouswithyou."
"Comeinhere
andexplainwhy
youwantto
embarrassyour
parentswithyour
dirtymouth."
"Motherwould
likeyoutobe
moreconsiderate
ofher."
"Ihopeyouboth
hadalotoffun
thisafternoonat
myexpense."
"Doyounotever
washyourfeet
likeotherhuman
beings?Getup
thereinthat
shower."
"Youlittleshow
off."
Ventingsecondary
feelings.
Blaming,judging
Ventingsecondary
feelings.
Blaming,judging.
Blaming,judging.
Undershooting.
Blaming,judging.
Namecalling.
"Iamveryupset
withyouthis
Hitandrun.
morning.Doyou
knowthat?"
Foreachofthe'messages'above,thinkofandwritedownanImessagethatavoidsallofthesending
errors.
Appendix3SendingIMessagesAnExercise.
Version2013.04.04
DIRECTIONS:Readeachsituation,examinetheYouMessageinthesecondcolumn,andthenwrite
anIMessageforthethirdcolumn.
Whenyouhavefinished,compareyourIMessageswiththosehiddeninthethirdcolumnbelow.
Ctrl+A:TodisplaytheImessageshiddeninthelastcolumnbelow,clickonceinsideanyofthetable
cellsbelow.Thenholddownyourkeyboardkey"Ctrl",andwhileholdingthatControlkeyclickyour
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keyboardkey"A".[Ctrl+A]
IMessage
Toseetheeanswersbelow:
Situation
YouMessage
Hover:Toseeasingleanswer,
hoveryourmousecursorwithin
oneofthiscolumn'scellsbelow
topossiblyseetheanswerpop
up.
or...
[Ctrl]+[A]:Todisplayallof
theeanswersinthecolumn
below,holddownyourkey
board'Ctrl'key,&clickthee
'A'key)
"Youshouldnotever
Youwanttowatchthenews.Yourchild
interruptotherswhen
keepsclimbingonyourlapirritating
theyarewatchingthe
you.
news."
"Ican'tseetheTVandplaytoo.I
reallyfeelirritatedwhenIcan't
havealittlewhilealonetorelax
andwatchthenews."
"I'minabigrushanditreally
Youareinahurryusingthevacuum
makesmeangrytobeslowed
cleaner.Yourchildkeepsunpluggingthe "Youarebeing
downbyreplacingtheplug.I
vacuumcordfromthewallelectrical
naughty."
don'tfeellikeplayingwhenIhave
outlet.
worktogetdone."
"Youarenotbeinga
"Ican'tenjoymydinnerwhenI
Yourchildcomestothetablewithvery responsiblebigperson. seeallthatdirt.Itmakesmefeel
dirtyhandsandface.
Thatiswhatababy
kindofsickandlosemy
mightdo."
appetite."
Yourchildkeepspostponinggoingto
"MotherandIhavesomething
"Youknowitispast
bed.Youandyourspouseneedto
veryimportanttodiscuss.We
yourbedtime.Youare
discussaprivateproblemconcerning
can'ttalkaboutitwhenyou're
justtryingtoannoyus.
them.Yourchildkeepshangingaround
hereandwedon'tlikewaiting
Youneedyoursleep."
preventingyoufromtalking.
untilyoufinallygotobed."
"Youdonotdeserveto
Yourchildrenkeeppleadingtobetaken gotothemovieswhen "Idon'tfeelverymuchlikedoing
toamovie,buttheyhavenotcleanedup youhavebeenso
somethingforyouwhenyoudon't
theirroomsforseveraldaysastheyhad inconsiderateand
sticktoyouragreementabout
agreedtodo.
cleaningyourroom."
selfish."
"Comeonnow.Stop
Yourchildhasbeensulkingandacting thissulking.Either
sadallday.Youdonotknowthereason. brightenuporyouwill
havetogooutside."
"Canyounotbemore
Yourchildisplayingthestereosoloud
considerateofothers?
thatitisinterferingwithyour
Whydoyouplaythat
conversationinthenextroom.
soloud?"
"I'msorrytoseeyoubeso
unhappybutIdon'tknowhowto
helpbecauseIdon'tknowwhy
you'refeelingsoblue."
"Ifeelkindofcheated.Iwantto
spendsometimewithyourfather
andthenoiseisdrivingusmad."
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Yourchildhasbeendawdlingallday,
"Youhavedawdledall
buthadpromisedtocleanthebathroom dayandfallendownon
thatwillbeusedforadinnerpartyinan thejob.Howcanyou
hour,andthechildhasnotstartedthejob besothoughtlessand
yet.
irresponsible?"
"Youshouldbe
Youareinahurryandyourchildren
ashamed.Afterall,I
showuplatehavingforgottenabout
agreedtotakeyou,and
theiragreedupontimesothatyou
thenyouarecareless
couldtakethemclothesshopping
aboutthetime.
"Ireallyfeelletdown.I've
workedalldaytogetreadyfor
ourpartyandnowIstillhaveto
worryaboutthedirtybathroom."
"Idon'tlikeitwhenIcarefully
planmydaysowecanshopfor
yournewclothesandthenyou
don'tshowup."
Appendix4UseofParentalAuthorityAn
Exercise.
Version2013.04.04
Bybeingobjectiveandhonestwithyourselfonthisexercise,youwilllearnaboutoneimportant
aspectofyourroleasaparenthowyouuseyourparentalauthority.
Belowisalistoftypicalthingsparentsdointheirrelationshipwiththeirchildren.
Readthefortystatementsbelow,andonanAnswerSheetnumbered140recordforeachstatement
whetheritis"likely"(L)or"unlikely"(U)foryouasaparenttodowhatisstated(eitherexactlywhat
isstatedorsomethingsimilar).
Ifyoudonotyethavechildren,oriftheitemappliestoachildolderoryoungerorofasexotherthan
yourown,simplypredicthowyouwouldbehave.
Recordone,andonlyone,ofthesethreealternativesforeachofthefortysituationsbelow.
UUnlikelyforyoutodothisorsomethingsimilar.
LLikelyforyoutodothisorsomethingsimilar.
?Uncertainordonotunderstand
Onlyifyoudonotunderstandanitemorfeelveryuncertain,shouldyoucirclethe"?."
Clarifyingafewterms
Sothatyouunderstandthetermsusedinthisexercise,readthefollowingdefinitions:
"Punish."
Causesomekindofunpleasantnessforthechildthroughdenyinghimsomethinghewantsor
inflictingphysicalorpsychologicalhurt.
"Reprimand."
Stronglywordedcriticism,"scolding,"or"bawlingout,"dressingdown,negativeevaluation.
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"Threaten."
Warnthechildofpossiblepunishment.
"Reward."
Causesomekindofpleasantnessforthechildthroughgivinghimsomethinghewants.
"Praise."
Evaluatethechildpositivelyorfavorablysaysomethinggoodabouthim.
EXAMPLE:Requireyourchildtoaskpermissiontospeakwheninagatheringofadults.Byscoring
thatexamplewitha"U",youwouldbeindicatingthatyouareunlikelytorequirethisofyourchild.
1. Physicallyremoveyourchildfromthepianowhenherefusestostopbangingonitafteryou
havetoldhimitisquiteunbearabletoyou.
2. Praiseyourchildforbeingconsistentlypromptincominghometodinner.
3. Scoldyoursixyearoldchildifhedemonstratesobjectionabletablemannersinfrontofguests.
4. Praiseyouradolescentsonwhenyouseehimreadingthe'right'kindofliterature.
5. Punishyourchildwhensheusesanobjectionableswearword.
6. Givearewardwhenyourchildhasindicatedofachartthathedidnotmissasingletimefor
brushinghisteeth.
7. Makeyourchildapologizetoanotherchildshehastreatedverydiscourteously.
8. Praiseyourchildwhensherememberstowaitatschoolforyoutopickherupwiththecar.
9. Makeyouchildeatalmosteverythingonhisplatebeforebeingallowedtoleave.
10. Makeitarequirementthatyourdaughtertakeabatheachday,andgiveherarewardfornot
missingasingledayforamonth.
11. Punishordenyyourchildsomethingwhenyoucatchhimtellingalie.
12. Offeryouradolescentsonarewardorprivilegeifherwillchangehishairstyle.
13. Punishorreprimandyourchildforstealingmoneyfromyou.
14. Promiseyourdaughtersomethingshewantsifshewillrefrainfromusingtoomuchmakeup.
15. Insistthatyourchildperformwhenheisaskedtodosoforrelativesandguests.
16. Promiseyourchildsomethingyouknowhewantsifhepracticeshispianolessonsacertain
amountoftimeeachday.
17. Makeyourtwoyearoldremainonthetoiletuntilshehasdefecatedwhenyouknowthatshe
hastogo.
18. Setupasystemwherebyyourchildcanearnsomekindofrewardifheregularlydoeshis
choresaroundthehome.
19. Punishorthreatentopunishyourchildifheeatsbetweenmealsafteryouhavetoldhimnotto.
20. Promisearewardtoencourageyourdaughtertoalwayscomehomeontimeafterdates.
21. Punishorscoldyourchildfornotcleaninguphisroomaftermakingamessofit.
22. Setupasystemofrewardsasanincentiveforyourdaughtertolimitthelengthofherphone
calls.
23. Scoldyourchildforcarelesslybreakingorruiningoneofhisexpensivetoys.
24. Promisesomekindofrewardforyourthirteenyearoldgirlifsherefrainsfromsmoking.
25. Punishorscoldyourchildforsayingsomethingdisrespectfultoyou.
26. Promiseyourchildarewardifshewillsticktoherstudyscheduleinordertoimproveher
grades.
27. Makeyourchildstopbringinghistoysintothelivingroomwhenitgetstoocluttered.
28. Tellyourdaughteryouareproudofherorpleasedwithherchoicewhenyoustronglyapprove
oftheboysheisdating.
29. Makeyourchildcleanuphisownmesswhenhecarelesslyspillsfoodontherug.
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30. Tellyourchildsheisagoodgirlwhensheremainsstillwhileyouarecombingherhair.
31. Punishyourchildforcontinuingtoplayinherroomafteryouthoughtshehadgonetosleepat
bedtime.
32. Setupasystemofrewardsforyourchildifhehabituallywasheshishandsbeforecomingtothe
table.
33. Makeyourchildstoporpunishhimwhenyoucatchhimfingeringhisgenitals.
34. Setupasystemofgivingyourchildrewardsforpromptnessingettingreadyforschool.
35. Punishorreprimandyourchildrenforfightingloudlywitheachotheroveratoy.
36. Praiseofrewardyourchildfornotcryingwhenhedoesnotgethisway,orhisfeelingsgethurt.
37. Threaten/punish/rewardyourchildfortellingyouthathewillnotperformanerrandforyou
afteryouhaveaskedhimseveraltimes.
38. Tellyourdaughterthatyouwillbuyhersomethingshehasbeenwantingifshekeepsher
clothescleanuntilyougoouttodinneracoupleofhoursfromnow.
39. Punish/reprimandyourchildwhenyouseehimpullinguptheskirtofthegirlnextdoorand
embarrassingher.
40. Offertogiveyourchildsomekindofmonetaryrewardforeverycourseinwhichhepullshis
gradesuponhisnextreportcard.
Directionsforscoring:
1.First,countalloftheL'sfortheoddnumberedexercisesabove.(1,3,5,7,etc.).2.Second,count
alloftheL'sfortheevennumberedexercisesabove.(2,4,6,8,etc.).3.Thirdly,sumallL's.
Odd"L"s
Thisnumberindicatesthedegreetowhichyouusepunishmentorthreatentousepunishmentto
controlyourchildortoenforceyoursolutionstoproblems.
Even"L"s
Thisnumberindicatesthedegreetowhichyouuserewardsofincentivestocontrolyourchildorto
enforceyoursolutionstoproblems.
Thetotalnumberof"L"s.
Thisnumberindicatesthedegreetowhichyouusebothrewardsand/orpunishmentsassourcesof
yourparentalcontrolofyourchild.
Scorerating
Antiauthoritarian
Scoresof05foreitherpunishmentorreward,orascoreof010forboth.
Moderatelyauthoritarian
Considerablyauthoritarian
Veryauthoritarian:
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Appendix512CommunicationRoadblocks:A
CatalogofEffects
Version2013.04.04
12CommunicationRoadblocks:ACatalogofEffectsofthe
TypicalWaysParentsRespondtoChildren
1. ORDERING,DIRECTING,COMMANDING
Thesemessagestellachildthathisfeelingsorneedsarenotimportanthemustcomplywith
whathisparentfeelsorneeds.("Idon'tcarewhatyouwanttodocomeintothehousethis
minute.")
Theycommunicatenonacceptanceofthechildasheisatthemoment.("Stopfidgeting
around.")
Theyproducefearoftheparent'spower.Thechildhearsathreatofgettinghurtbysomeone
biggerandstrongerthanhe.("Gotoyourroomandifyoudon't,I'llseetoitthatyouget
there.")
Theymaymakethechildfeelresentfulorangry,frequentlycausinghimtoexpresshostile
feelings,throwatantrum,fightback,resist,testtheparent'swill.
Theycancommunicatetothechildthattheparentdoesnottrustthechild'sownjudgmentor
competence.("Don'ttouchthatdish.""Stayawayfromyourbabybrother.")
2. WARNING,ADMONISHING,THREATENING
Thesemessagescanmakeachildfeelfearfulandsubmissive.("Ifyoudothat,you'llbesorry.")
Theycanevokeresentmentandhostilityinthesamewaythatordering,directing,and
commandingdo.("Ifyoudon'tgettobedrightaway,you'regoingtogetspanked.")
Theycancommunicatethattheparenthasnorespectforthechild'sneedsorwishes.("Ifyou
don'tstopplayingthatdrum,I'mgoingtogetreallyupset.")
Childrensometimesrespondtowarningsorthreatsbysaying,"Idon'tcarewhathappens,Istill
feelthisway."
Thesemessagesalsoinvitethechildtotestthefirmnessoftheparent'sthreat.
Childrensometimesaretemptedtodosomethingthattheyhavebeenwarnedagainst,justtosee
forthemselvesiftheconsequencespromisedbytheparentactuallyhappen.
3. EXHORTING,MORALIZING,PREACHING
Suchmessagesbringtobearonthechildthepowerofexternalauthority,duty,orobligation.
Childrenmayrespondtosuch"shoulds,""oughts,"and"musts"byresistinganddefendingtheir
postureevenmorestrongly.
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Theymaymakeachildfeeltheparentdoesnottrusthisjudgmentthathehadbetteraccept
what"others"deemisright.("Yououghttodotherightthing.")
Theymaycausefeelingsofguiltinachildthatheis"bad."("Youshouldn'tthinkthatway.")
Theymaymakeachildfeeltheparentdoesnottrusthisabilitytoevaluatethevalidityofothers'
blueprintsorvalues.("Youshouldalwaysrespectyourteachers.")
4. ADVISING,GIVINGSUGGESTIONSORSOLUTIONS
Suchmessagesareoftenfeltbythechildasevidencethattheparentdoesnothaveconfidence
inthechild'sjudgmentorabilitytofindhisownsolution.
Theymayinfluenceachildtobecomedependentontheparentandtostopthinkingforhimself.
("WhatshouldIdo,Daddy?")
Sometimeschildrenstronglyresentparents'ideasoradvice.("Letmefigurethisoutmyself.""I
don'twanttobetoldwhattodo.")
Advicesometimescommunicatesyourattitudesofsuperioritytothechild.("YourmotherandI
knowwhat'sbest.")
Childrencanalsoacquireafeelingofinferiority.("Whydidn'tIthinkofthat?""Youalways
knowbetterwhattodo.")
Advicecanmakeachildfeelhisparenthasnotunderstoodhimatall.("Youwouldn'tsuggest
thatifyoureallyknewhowIfelt.")
Advicesometimesresultsinthechild'sdevotingallhistimereactingtotheparents'ideastothe
exclusionofdevelopinghisownideas.
5. LECTURING,GIVINGLOGICALARGUMENTS
Theactoftryingtoteachanotheroftenmakesthe"student"feelyouaremakinghimlook
inferior,subordinate,inadequate.("Youalwaysthinkyouknoweverything.")
Logicandfactsoftenmakeachilddefensiveandresentful.("YouthinkIdon'tknowthat?")
Children,likeadults,seldomliketobeshowntheyarewrong.Consequently,theydefendtheir
positiontothebitterend.("You'rewrong,I'mright.""Youcan'tconvinceme.")
Childrengenerally,hateparentallectures.("TheygoonandonandIhavetojustsitthereand
listen.")
Childrenoftenresorttodesperatemethodsofdiscountingparentalfacts.("Well,youarejusttoo
oldtoknowwhat'sgoingon.""Yourideasaretotallyoutdatedandoldfashioned.""You'rea
geek.")
Oftenchildrenalreadyknowverywellthefactsparentsinsistonteachingthem,andresentthe
implicationthattheyareuninformed.("Iknowallofthatyoudon'tneedtotellme.")
Sometimeschildrenchoosetoignorefacts.("Idon'tcare.""Sowhat.""Itwon'thappentome.")
6. JUDGING,CRITICIZING,DISAGREEING,BLAMING
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Thesemessages,probablymorethananyoftheothers,makechildrenfeelinadequate,inferior,
stupid,unworthy,bad.
Achild'sselfconceptgetsshapedbyparentaljudgmentandevaluation.Astheparentjudges
thechild,sowillthechildjudgehimself.("IheardsooftenthatIwasbad,IbegantofeelImust
bebad.")
Negativecriticismevokescountercriticism.("I'veseenyoudothesamething.""You'renotso
hotyourself.")
Evaluationstronglyinfluenceschildrentokeeptheirfeelingstothemselvesortohidethings
fromtheirparents.("IfItoldthemI'djustbecriticized.")
Children,likeadults,hatetobejudgednegatively.Theyrespondwithdefensiveness,simplyto
protecttheirownselfimage.Oftentheybecomeangryandfeelhatredtowardtheevaluating
parent,evenifthejudgmentiscorrect.
Frequentevaluationandcriticismmakesomechildrenfeelthattheyarenogoodandthatthe
parentsdonotlovethem.
7. PRAISING,AGREEING
Contrarytothecommonbeliefthatpraiseisalwaysbeneficialtochildren,itoftenhasvery
negativeeffects.Apositiveevaluationthatdoesnotfitthechild'sselfimagemayevoke
hostility:"Iamnotpretty,I'mugly.""Ihatemyhair.""Ididnotplaywell,Iwaslousy."
Childreninferthatifaparentjudgespositively,theycanalsojudgenegativelysomeothertime.
Also,theabsenceofpraiseinafamilywherepraiseisusedfrequentlycanbeinterpretedbythe
childascriticism.("Youdidn'tsayanythingniceaboutmyhairsoyoumustnotlikeit.")
Praiseisoftenfeltbythechildasmanipulativeasubtlewayofinfluencingthechildtodo
whattheparentwants.("You'rejustsayingthatsoI'llstudyharder.")
Childrensometimesinferthattheirparentsdon'tunderstandthemwhentheypraise.("You
wouldn'tsaythatifyouknewhowIreallyfeltaboutmyself.")
Childrenareoftenembarrassedanduncomfortablewhenpraiseisgiven,especiallyinfrontof
theirfriends.("Oh,Daddy,that'snottrue!")
Childrenwhoarepraisedalotmaygrowtodependonitandevendemandit.("Youdidn'tsay
anythingaboutmycleaningupmyroom.""HowdoIlook,Mother?""Wasn'tIagoodlittle
boy?""Isn'tthatagooddrawing?")
8. NAMECALLING,RIDICULING,SHAMING
Suchmessagescanhaveadevastatingeffectontheselfimageofachild.Theycanmakea
childfeelunworthy,bad,unloved.Themostfrequentresponseofchildrentosuchmessagesis
togiveonebacktotheparent.("Andyou'reabignag.""Lookwho'scallingwholazy.")
Whenachildgetssuchamessagefromaparentwhoistryingtoinfluencehim,heismuchless
likelytochangebylookingathimselfrealistically.
Instead,hecanzeroinontheparent'sunfairmessageandexcusehimself.("Idonotlooklikea
loser.That'sridiculousandunfair.")
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9. INTERPRETING,ANALYZING,DIAGNOSING
Suchmessagescommunicatetothechildthattheparenthashim"figuredout,"knowswhathis
motivesareorwhyheisbehavingthewayheis.Suchparentalpsychoanalyzingcanbe
threateningandfrustratingtothechild.
Iftheparent'sanalysisorinterpretationhappenstobeaccurate,thechildmayfeelembarrassed
atbeingsoexposed.("Youarenothavingdatesbecauseyouaretooshy.""Youaredoingthat
justtogetattention.")
Whentheparent'sanalysisorinterpretationiswrong,asitmoreoftenis,thechildwillbecome
angryatbeingaccusedunjustly.("Iamnotjealousthat'sridiculous.")
Childrenoftenpickupanattitudeofsuperiorityonthepartoftheparent.("Youthinkyouknow
somuch.")
Parentswhofrequentlyanalyzetheirchildrencommunicatetothemthattheparentsfeel
superior,wiser,cleverer.
The"Iknowwhy"and"Icanseethroughyou"messagesfrequentlycutofffurther
communicationfromthechildatthemoment,andteachthechildtorefrainfromsharing
problemswithhisparents.
10. REASSURING,SYMPATHIZING,CONSOLING,SUPPORTING
Suchmessagesarenotashelpfulasmostparentsbelieve.
Toreassureachildwhenheisfeelingdisturbedaboutsomethingmaysimplyconvincehimthat
youdon'tunderstandhim.("Youcouldn'tsaythatifyouknewhowscaredIam.")
Parentsreassureandconsolebecausetheyarenotcomfortablewiththeirchild'sfeelinghurt,
upset,discouraged,andthelike.Suchmessagestellachildthatyouwanthimtostopfeelingthe
wayhedoes.("Don'tfeelbad,thingswillturnoutallright.")
Childrencanseethroughparents'reassurancesasattemptstochangethemandoftendistrustthe
parent.("You'rejustsayingthattomakemefeelbetter.")
Discountingorsympathizingoftenstopsfurthercommunicationbecausethechildsensesyou
wanthimtostopfeelingthewayhedoes.
11. PROBING,QUESTIONING,INTERROGATING
Toaskquestionsmayconveytochildrenyourlackoftrust,yoursuspicionordoubt.("Didyou
washyourhandslikeItoldyou?")
Childrenalsoseethroughsomequestionsasattempts"togetthemoutonalimb,"onlytohave
itsawedoffbytheparent.("Howlongdidyoustudy?Onlyanhour.Well,youdeservea'C'on
thatexam.")
Childrenoftenfeelthreatenedbyquestions,especiallywhentheydon'tunderstandwhythe
parentisquestioningthem.Notehowoftenchildrensay,"Whyareyouaskingthat?"or"What
areyoudrivingat?"
Ifyouquestionachildwhoissharingaproblemwithyou,hemaysuspectthatyouare
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gatheringdatatosolvehisproblemforhim,ratherthanlethimfindhisownsolution.("When
didyoustartfeelingthisway?Doesithaveanythingtodowithschool?Howisschool?")
Childrenfrequentlydonotwanttheirparentstocomeupwithanswerstotheirproblems:"IfI
tellmyparents,theywillonlytellmewhatIshoulddo."
Whenyouaskquestionsofsomeonewhoissharingaproblemwithyou,eachquestionlimits
theperson'sfreedomtotalkaboutwhateverhewantstoinasenseeachquestiondictateshis
nextmessage.
Ifyouask,"Whendidyounoticethisfeeling?"youaretellingthepersontotalkonlyaboutthe
onsetofthefeelingandnothingelse.
Thisiswhybeingcrossexaminedasbyalawyerissoterriblyuncomfortableyoufeelyou
musttellyourstoryexactlyasdemandedbyhisquestions.
Sointerrogatingisnotatallagoodmethodoffacilitatinganother'scommunicationrather,it
canseverelylimithisfreedom.
12. WITHDRAWING,DISTRACTING,HUMORING,DIVERTING
Suchmessagescancommunicatetothechildthatyouarenotinterestedinhim,don'trespecthis
feelings,oraredownrightrejectinghim.
Childrenaregenerallyquiteseriousandintentwhentheyneedtotalkaboutsomething.When
yourespondwithkidding,youcanmakethemfeelhurtandrejected.
Puttingchildrenoffordivertingtheirfeelingsmayforthemomentappearsuccessful,buta
person'sfeelingsdonotalwaysgoaway.Theyoftencropuplater.Problemsputoffareseldom
problemssolved.
Children,likeadults,wanttobeheardandunderstoodrespectfully.Iftheirparentsbrushthem
aside,theysoonlearntotaketheirimportantfeelingsandproblemselsewhere.
Appendix6SuggestedReadingList
AdditionalBooksby...
Dr.ThomasGordon(FounderofGordonTrainingInternational)
LindaAdams(PresidentofGordonTrainingInternational)
DisciplineThatWorks(Gordon)
P.E.T.inAction(Gordon)
LeaderEffectivenessTraining,L.E.T.(Gordon)
T.E.T.,TeacherEffectivenessTraining(Gordon)
SalesEffectivenessTraining(Gordon)
MakingthePatientYourPartner(Gordon)
BeYourBest(Adams)
SuggestedReadingListforParentsandCaregivers
1.Axline,Virginia.PlayTherapy.NewYork:BallantineBooks,1947,I982.
2.Axline,Virginia.DibsinSearchofSelf.NewYork:BallantineBooks,1969,1990.
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3.Briggs,DorothyCorkille.YourChild'sSelfEsteem.NewYork:Doubleday,1970,1975.
4.Capacchione,Lucia.TheCreativeJournalforParents.Boston:ShambhalaPublicationsInc.,
2000.
5.Coloroso,Barbara:KidsAreWorthIt!GivingYourChildtheGiftofInnerDiscipline.New
York:AvonBooks,1995.
6.Faber,Adele,andElaineMazlish.SiblingsWithoutRivalry:HowtoHelpYourChildren
LiveTogetherSoYouCanLiveToo.NewYork:AvonBooks,1998.
7.Faber,Adele,andElaineMazlish.HowtoTalkSoKidsWillListen&ListenSoKidsWill
Talk.NewYork:AvonBooks,1999.8.Goleman,Daniel.EmotionalIntelligence.NewYork:
BantamBooks,1995.
g.Holt,JohnC.HowChildrenFail(ClassicsinChildDevelopment).Reading,Mass.:Perseus
Press,1995.
10.Hymes,JamesL.TheChildUnderSix.WestGreenwich,R.I.:ConsortiumPublishing,
1963,i994.
11.Kohn,Alfie.PunishedbyRewards:TheTroublewithGoldStars,IncentivePlans,A's,
Praise,andOtherBribes.Boston:HoughtonMifflinCo.,1999.
12.Leach,Penelope.YourBabyandChild:FromBirthtoAgeFive.NewYork:Knopf,1997.
13.Neill,AlexanderSutherland.SummerhillSchool:ANewViewofChildhood.NewYork:
St.Martin'sPress,1995.
14.Newmark,Gerald.HowtoRaiseEmotionallyHealthyChildrenMeetingtheFiveCritical
NeedsofChildren...andParentsToo!Tarzana,Calif.:NMIPublishers,1999.
15.Rogers,Carl,andPeterKramer.OnBecomingaPerson:ATherapist'sViewof
Psychotherapy.Boston:HoughtonMifflinCo.,1963,1995.
16.Solter,Aletha.TearsandTantrums:WhattoDoWhenBabiesandChildrenCry.Goleta,
Calif.:ShiningStarPress,1998.
17.Spock,Benjamin,andMichaelRothenburg.Dr.Spock'sBabyandChildCare.NewYork:
E.P.Dutton,1992.
Appendix7ExperienceP.E.T.inYour
Home
HowtoExperiencetheP.E.T.ModelinYourHome
TheP.E.T.programisnowavailablethroughthevideoprogram,F.E.T.,FamilyEffectiveness
Training:BringingP.E.T.intotheFamily.Itisdesignedtobeaselfstudyprogramcompletewith
resourcebooksforbothadultsandadolescentchildren(foragestwelveandup),acomprehensive
studyguide,anearlytwohourlongvideotapewithDr.Gordonastheinstructor,andareinforcing
audiotape.
Theprogramisdividedupintoeightsessionsthatyouandyourfamilycanfollowatyourownpace,
inyourownhome.
ThisprogramisbasedentirelyontheP.E.T.bookandtheGordonModel,butitincludeshelpfulhints
andtips(andresearchprovingthebenefitsofthismodelofparenting)forcouples,singleparents,and
othertypesoffamilies.
F.E.T.canbenefitalltypesoffamilies.Itisalsoavaluableresourceforcorporatelibraries,EAPs,
familyserviceagenciesincludingthoseinthemilitary,aswellasfamilyprofessionals.
PleasecontactGordonTrainingInternationalformoreinformationonorderingthisprogramand/orto
learnhowtofacilitatethisprograminyourcommunityororganization:
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WRITETOUSAT:
GordonTrainingInternationalATTN:F.E.T.Programs
531StevensAvenueWest
SolanaBeach,California920752093
ORDERBYPHONE:
8003595915
8584818121
ORDERBYFAX:
8584818125
ORDERVIAEMAIL:
family@gordontraining,com
ORDERFROMOURWEBSITE:
www.gordontraining.com
WEOFFERSEVERALWAYSTOLEARNTHEGORDONMODELSKILLS
ATWORK!
Visitourwebsiteatwww.gordontraining.comtodownloadourfreeebookletWhatEveryLeader
ShouldKnow,whichintroducestheGordonModelforleaderstoincreaseproductivitybyhelping
employeesworktogetherbetter.
Weprovideprovenskillbasedtrainingprogramsformanagers,supervisors,employeesandsales
professionals.TheyincludeLeaderEffectivenessTraining(L.E.T.),ConflictResolutionWorkshop
(C.R.W.),EffectiveCommunicationatWork(PartOne),ConflictResolutionatWork(PartTwo),and
SynergisticSelling.Formoreinformationonhavingthesecoursesdeliveredonsiteatyourcompany,
contactonsite@gordontraining.com.
Weoffertrainercertificationworkshops.OncecertifiedtoteachtheL.E.T.Workshop,atrainer
candidatecanteachanyGTIcourseeitherasanAssociateTrainer(apersonwhohastheirown
consulting/trainingcompanywithanestablishedclientbase)orasanInHouseTrainer(apersonwho
issponsoredbytheiremployertoteachourcoursestotheiremployees).Formoreinformationonour
trainercertificationprocessandoptions,contactcertification@gordontraining.com.
Appendix8AbouttheAuthor
Dr.ThomasGordonisaworldrenownedpsychologistwhohasdevotedhislifetohelpingpeople
improvetheirrelationshipsathome,atwork,andatschool.Hismodelforbuildingeffective
relationshipsknownastheGordonModelhasbroughtsuchskillsasActiveListening,IMessages,
andNoLoseConflictResolutionintothemainstream.
Dr.Gordonwasthe1999recipientoftheGoldMedalAwardforEnduringContributionsbya
PsychologistinthePublicInterestpresentedbytheAmericanPsychologicalFoundation.Intheyear
2000,hereceivedaLifetimeAchievementAwardfromtheCaliforniaPsychologicalAssociation.
HeisthefounderofGordonTrainingInternational,aworldwidetrainingcompanythathasbeen
offeringthisskillsbasedtrainingtoparents,leaders,andteacherssince1962.
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