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The train pulled into Union Station at about seven. I had been riding all day long staring
out the window at farms and orchards. After getting my bags I walked out into the old art deco
station. It was cavernous. It had chauffeured passengers like Clark Gable and Ava Gardner out to
the coast from New York seventy years ago. I walked out to the front of the station where the
taxis wait. The night was incredibly warm and almost humid, one of those nights that make it
hard to sleep. In the middle of the city, my home now, an electric current pulsed through me in
even the quietest moments. Neon signs glowed in the distance from Mexican restaurants.
Marinated beef scented the air and mingled with the trash and urine of downtown Los Angeles.
The cab driver was foreign and had some long name. His English was short and thickly
accented.
“You tell me when we get there. I know the area. I have family.”
“Oh, okay.”
I looked out the window at the streets as we passed through Mexican neighborhoods, then
Korean, then Thai, past a few fancy white neighborhoods. Most of the signs were in other
languages and most neighborhoods had a smell of cooking beef. I could tell the beef was
prepared differently according to the neighborhood. That’s probably a weird thing to notice but
“Eighteen.”
“Young.”
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“What?”
“Yeah.”
He laughed.
He finally got to my neighborhood and found the little street where my apartment was.
The landlord had given me the key when I came down with my dad a month ago to find the
apartment. We pulled up and I gave him a generous tip. As I got out of the car he muttered
And he flashed a strange devious smile that made me feel like I was traveling in
Kazakhstan or Mexico City. How crazy could it be? I thought. This was the same country, the
same state I was born and raised in. It was less than five hundred miles from the poor mountain
I went in to the little courtyard complex and found the small studio apartment in the back.
My key worked and I walked in to my empty home. I unrolled the sleeping pad my mom had
given me before I left. She had also packed me a lunch which I ate on the train. Her face as I left
I looked out the window. I could see some of the sprawl of Los Angeles laid out before
me. Only a fraction was visible from my view. I was terrified. What was I thinking? How was I
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supposed to survive in this city, paying my own rent? I had insisted that I could move out of
home and find a job on the condition that I pay all my own bills. That was the only way my
parents had let me go. They couldn’t afford college and definitely couldn’t afford to help me with
my rent. So I was on my own. And I couldn’t go back. There was nothing in my hometown, not
even a post office. Just about a thousand people on a mountain in Northern California. So here I
was, sitting and looking out on this overwhelming place. How was I going to get my phone
installed? Buy a bed? Wash my clothes? I laid down on my makeshift bed and let the panic pass.
I eventually fell asleep to the sound of sirens and helicopters passing overhead.
It took me a few days to get my electricity hooked up. The phone and internet took a few
more days. During this time I lived on tacos from a taco truck that was parked on Western
Avenue a few blocks down from the corner of Hollywood and Western. The tacos were a dollar a
piece and delicious, full of beefy juiciness and topped with onions, tomatoes, cilantro, and hot
sauce. I sat on egg crates next to drunken bar patrons and ate my tacos, then wandered back
home.
When my internet finally got hooked up I sat with my laptop and looked on Craigslist for
jobs. The sun sweltered in my hot dirty neighborhood as I sat inside and scrolled the listings.
Every job was for immensely experienced college graduates or telemarketers. I got more and
more depressed as I realized I didn’t have any job experience. I emailed my resume to a few
retail places and a few coffee shops. One guy from a coffee shop in Santa Monica called me
back.
“Uh, yeah, I was looking at your resume. Do you have any food service experience at
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all?”
“Okay.”
“And I worked the cash register at the Art Fair we have in our neighborhood every year-”
“No….”
Then I applied to work at a movie theater in West Hollywood, because I had worked at
one back at home in the summers. I took the bus to the theater and it wasn’t that far, so I figured I
could make it to work every day. After I dropped off the application I waited about a week and
“Hi, I dropped off an application and I was wondering if I could come in for an
interview?”
“Okay. Hurry.”
He hung up. I ran out to the bus stop. It came and I got onboard. I got there much later
then I said I would and walked into the empty movie theater. There was one screen and they
showed artsy indie movies. A few bored Mexican kids sat behind the concession stand, making
fun of each other. A tall man in black came out from a door and gestured to me to follow him. I
went.
“Yeah.”
“I did concessions. You know, made the popcorn and worked the register. And a few
“Yeah.”
“No.”
“Well, there’s a button for a child’s ticket, there’s a button for adult, and there’s a button
for senior. When you hit the button the ticket comes out.”
“So you’re saying a monkey could do it? A monkey could do your job?”
“I know an animal could do what this job is asking for. But I am looking for individuals
who care deeply about movies. We are a business. We are trying to sell the movie-going
“Okay, I’m a customer. You’re working the box. Tell me about this movie you’re
“Well, Martin Short is a guy with really bad luck who teams up with Danny Glover -”
“Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! I don’t know who Danny Glover is. Martin Short? Who are these
people? I have no idea who these actors are. See, in this business, Mark, I will tell you
something. You have to be specific. You are not being specific enough. Tell me why I should see
this movie. Why should I come in and spend my money in your theater? See, that is the question
we need to answer, and you’re not doing a good enough job. I need people who will convince
I got up and walked off through the lobby. It wasn’t worth it. I passed the bored teenagers
throwing popcorn at each other and went out on the street. It was getting dark as the bus came.
When I got back home I went online for a few minutes to see if any decent jobs were out there. I
was about to give up and stop torturing myself when I saw a post in the entertainment section.
Would you like to work for an exciting well-known radio personality? I am a successful stand-up
comedian and entertainer who has worked in the industry for twenty years. If you have lots of
energy and care about entertainment I would love to show you the ropes. Be my assistant! I have
exciting new projects in the works, including TV and even politics! Work for Hollywood Syd
Ross!
I wrote down the number and put it next to my phone to call the next day. It could just be the one
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straw worth grabbing. I was excited. I said the name to myself as I drifted off to sleep.
The next day I stared at Hollywood Syd Ross’ number for a long time with the phone in
my hand and thought about calling. I just couldn’t work up the nerve to call after my last few
lousy experiences. So I took a shower and looked out at the city for awhile. When it seemed like
“Hello?”
The voice was gruff, old, but straining to sound young and friendly.
“Hi, I was calling about the ad in Craigslist. You’re looking for an assistant?”
“Oh good, good, I have a lot of projects going on that I need help with, and - hey little
girl, how are you? Get off the couch okay? Daddy needs to sit down. Sorry, that’s my cat. Leslie.
He talked very quickly in a New York accent. And he sounded like a man who lived
alone.
“Wow, acting. That’s great. You have big dreams! That’s very good. That’s what I’m
looking for. Someone who’s ambitious. Okay, Mark, listen, you sound pretty cool, so do you
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want to meet up or something? I’ll take you out and we’ll do my rounds, and if it works I’ll hire
“Yeah, definitely.”
“Okay, I can pay you nine dollars an hour, for a forty hour week. Is that good?”
“That’s great.”
“Uh, yeah!”
“No.”
“Okay, that’s fine, I live in Hollywood too. Tell you what, can you get over to Hollywood
“Yeah, sure.”
“Yeah.”
“Okay, great, this will be fantastic. You already sound like the perfect assistant. I can tell
I hung up and felt a surge of unbridled optimism. This, I learned, was a peculiarly Los
Angeles phenomenon. The feeling of intense confidence precipitated by a long period of doubt
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and worry. I called my parents. They were skeptical. I didn’t care. I had a job that would pay all
my bills. I would get show biz contacts, I could get exposure to the highest echelons of
Or so I thought.
I took the subway one stop over to the Vine station, then got out and stood facing the
Pantages Theater. At nine in the morning the sun was already burning hot and tourists were out.
They crawled the streets of Hollywood, half-bored, looking fleetingly at stars on the walk of
fame. Many were Midwesterners, many were Europeans in their twenties with backpacks, and a
great many were Asian families. But as I looked around I saw that the majority were Hollywood
locals - a woman with a walkman on, dancing uncontrollably by the bus-stop, an old black guy
without his shirt smoking a cigarette, a young punk rock girl with a pink mohawk and a dress
that barely cleared her butt. The street and the buildings were incredibly dirty as well, as if they
had acquired smudges from an untold history that barely fit the city‘s sparkling image.
Hollywood was very old, and looked its age. It was also half-crazed with the glare of its own
past.
Suddenly a man drove up in an old convertible Thunderbird. He was about fifty years
old, with a mop of curly grey hair and a big grin on his face. His face was very Jewish, with a
large crooked nose and intelligent, mischievous eyes. His Thunderbird wasn’t well taken care of
but he didn’t really care. The fact that he owned it was enough. He wore a bright green jacket
“That’s me! HOLLYWOOD SYD ROSS!!” he thundered and honked his horn. Street
people turned their heads to look briefly. He was just another crazy man in a crazy city. The cab
Hollywood Syd Ross grabbed the small portable stereo that sat on the passenger seat and
put it on the seat beside him. The song coming out of it sounded like the Byrds. I opened the
door and got in, putting my backpack at my feet. He stuck out his hand and I shook it. The shake
was weak because he was waving with the other hand. He looked at everyone on the street like
We took off, driving south through Hollywood. He honked and waved every chance he
got. Whenever we passed a café or a group of people walking on the street he honked and waved.
The strangest part was that a lot of people knew who he was. They would shout “Syd!” as he
raced past.
“I think he’s scum. You know that? He is scum. And Hillary is even worse. She’s a
fucking demon, Mark. As you work for me I’ll prove it to you and then you’ll see it. Here, hold
this.”
He reached behind him and grabbed a sign off the floor. It was a large posterboard with
“Okay.”
“These fuckin’ liberals,” he seethed, “They can’t stand Bush. I just want to rub it in their
With every honk and wave he would yell “I loooooove George Bush!” Most people
looked disgustingly at him or yelled back at him. We ended up at an outdoor café on Beverly
called Lulu’s. We parked and walked around with the sign. As we stood outside with him waving
and talking about George Bush, all the waitresses acknowledged him. They were all blonde and
young.
“Hey, Syd, are you running for mayor again?” one asked.
He turned to me.
“Mark, let’s just walk along here, I want to talk to these people.”
So we paraded in front of the outside diners, Syd waving and giving his schpiel.
“Good morning everyone, I’m Hollywood Syd Ross, this is my associate Mark. I’m a
Jewish republican, and my motto is ‘dress British, think Yiddish!’ I’m writing a book on the
Clintons!” He saw a black person and pointed. “I never saw Condoleeza Rice or Colin Powell on
“This is my first book, it’s my autobiography. Take a copy, please, it’s complementary.
I’ll even sign each copy personally.” He saw waitresses - there must have been ten of them
“Jessica, are you single? My assistant here, he’s single, you like him?”
After the café we drove around the block three times and Syd would pull up next to all
the people.
The day got hotter as we drove around. The city blocks blurred together as the sun beat
into the convertible. We drove through Hancock Park, an old neighborhood filled with judges,
entertainment moguls, the homes of LA family dynasties, and former homes of people like
Sammy Davis Jr. We drove dreamlike through countless immaculate streets with giant sparkling
green lawns and two-story New England style houses. I thought I was in Cape Cod or the
Hamptons. There weren’t palm trees on these streets like there were in Beverly Hills. This
neighborhood didn’t want to admit it was in Los Angeles. It was settled by people from the
Midwest and the east coast. The sun got hotter and Syd babbled as I strained to listen and
comprehend. As the afternoon wore on he went on and on. The whole thing was too much for me
“It’s gonna be great, Mark. I need you to help me with it. See, you’re young. You
understand the internet and TV. I need to connect to the younger generation. I’m getting old,
Mark. I need the younger people. Just being around you gives me more energy. We’ll be a great
team. What you lack in experience and knowledge I will make up for. And you’re a smart kid.
I’ll need you to do research for me. You need to help me tell the world about how fucking evil
these people are. This book will expose the most corrupt administration in American history. I
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“Well, okay…”
“I will prove it to you. Did you know that the Clintons had over fifty people murdered?
This is a documented fact. I have all the research, the interviews, the facts. I need you to put it all
together for me. You have to edit this book. I’m not good at doing that kind of thing.”
We got to a stop light as the sun was waning in the sky. We were on Melrose as some
“See, I used to be really well-known. I was famous. I mean, I was on the radio for a lot of
I knew the morning shock jocks. I listened to them a little bit in high school.
“Uh-huh.”
“I was on that show. Yeah, I was kind of a featured bit player. For like fifteen years I did
the show. I was famous, Mark. But some things have happened. Those days are behind me and I
“What happened?”
“Scooter got mad at me and banned me from the show. They won’t take my calls
anymore. I’m trying to get back on, and that’s something I’ll need your help for. But in the
meantime I’ll need your help, to tell the world about how evil the Clintons are. I mean they’re
just so fuckin’ evil and no one realizes it. Everyone fuckin’ LOVES THEM!”
At around six the day was winding down. I was tired and just wanted to catch the subway
home. He pulled over by a metro stop to let me get my bag, which was in the trunk. I went out
He came back to work it with his keys. It didn’t open. He shoved and shoved and got so
“Why is life so unfair?” he seethed. “You know Mark, I TRY not to lose my temper,
but…”
He couldn’t even finish as we stood silently wondering what to do. He had some
I said that maybe there was a Jiffy Lube somewhere. Finally we drove along Santa
Monica where all those auto shops are by the Hollywood Forever cemetery. We found a garage
where some Mexican guy worked on the lock with no success. He sent us to another guy on Pico
who would be able to open it. The whole way there Syd ranted.
“I hate this fucking city. People are so goddamn phony here. Limousine liberals…look at
He would flip off everybody who drove while talking on their phones, shouting “Bush!
I told him he should read Bukowski. Syd had never heard of him. We got to Pico and the
Mexican guy fixed the lock while we waited in the car silently. He tipped the quiet Mexican and
As we drove over to Larchmont Village Syd told me how much he loves Mexicans.
“They are decent, hard-working people. I’m going to go back to that place and give that
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guy a six-pack. So, how do you think this was for a trial day? Do you want to work with me?”
“Good. I think you’ll be a great assistant. I’ll keep in touch with your first assignment.”
After the pizza he dropped me off at the subway station. I went home and slept. I didn't
know what was in store for me but I did know it would be strange. I was entering a very bizarre
new world.
"Because this girl, she's a singer, her name is Ava Cole. You have to see this girl, she is
completely gorgeous. She can't be any older than you. She does old standards, like jazz songs
from the twenties. I'm friends with her, I'll introduce you. Maybe she's your type. But anyways,
she's giving a concert tonight. You should come. You'll love it. Some of my friends are meeting
My ears pricked up. A producer? A television star, maybe? Someone who could give me
advice, or maybe someone who's casting a show and looking for my type. I was falling under
Syd's spell, the strange LA myth that every time you go out you could get noticed by an
important director who will cast you in his next film. Maybe this Ava Cole girl even had some
contacts.
So I went, it was at the M Club at Fountain and Vine. I took the bus and found the place,
it was an old-fashioned speakeasy from the twenties or something. Syd was at the front with the
best seat in the house. I got there at the tail end of some comedy night that Ahmet Zappa was
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emceeing. During one of the comedians' sets Syd laughed so hard that the comedian turned to
him and shouted, "Shut UP, Syd! I can't even remember my next joke! Even I don't think my
The audience roared with laughter and Syd clapped loudly, standing up. He loved the
attention. After the last comedian the show started. Ava Cole came out with a jazz band. She was
a dark-haired femme fatale with a sultry, mysterious presence. She started singing “Love for
Sale” and these girls came out and did this sexy burlesque dance. They didn’t even show
everything but it was sexier than any strip club I could imagine. They looked like they came
straight out of the 1920’s. We stayed for the whole show, Syd loudly proclaiming his joy with
shouts of “Oy Vey!” while the dancers cavorted and teased with their costumes and curvy bodies.
"You want a drink? I'll get you a drink. What do you want? Rum and coke?"
"Sure."
He shoved his plate of french fries towards me and ordered a rum and coke from a
passing waitress. She came and brought the drink. He paid her then gave her an extra five
dollars.
"Always tip big, Mark. Always. These people work hard and they should be paid for their
service."
"They should be here any minute, they were running late. Oh, there's Ratso right now!"
Ratso came over, a large man followed by a shorter, skinnier man of the same age, mid-
"Ratso, Steve, I want you to meet my assistant Mark. Ratso is a writer, he wrote the
official biography of Scooter and the Geech, and Steve is a music columnist for the LA Weekly."
They were weary and disinterested but we shook hands. So these were the great show biz
connections he was introducing me to? How were these old bozos going to help my acting
career? I tried to hide my disappointment as the three old friends talked about old times. When
"Ava! Ava! You are so gorgeous! Listen, I want you to meet my assistant Mark. He's
We shook hands.
"See, Mark, the thing about this industry is no one knows the truth about you. You can
make up your own truth to tell people. Whatever you say is true, as long as you believe it."
"You know, I just love those old songs of his. He's such a good songwriter."
"Syd, he was a socialist. How can you still like his stuff?"
"I don't know, it's innocent. All the sixties protest music was innocent. It was just a bunch
of idealistic kids. They wanted to make the world a better place. But now, I don't know...I think
the only person who's trying to make the world a better place is George Bush."
“I used to be a democrat, Mark. I bet you didn't know that. But the liberals have gone
18
way off track. They’re practically communists now. I don’t feel like I belong anymore. Women
are different now. They’re bitter, they’re angry, they’re all a bunch of feminists who love Hillary
Clinton. But back in the sixties it was all about love and peace.”
There was a huge argument when Ratso mentioned a 9/11 theory he had heard that the
Pentagon and Condoleeza Rice had known about the attacks while they occurred and did nothing
to stop them.
“The planes went totally off track for forty-five minutes and the FAA had no idea? What
Syd was driven to a state of total fury by the paranoid liberal accusation.
“You fucking liberals think there is some conspiracy out there, you’re actually
considering the insane proposition that the FBI knew about it and let it happen so we would have
an excuse to go in Iraq…Mark, let’s go soon, I’m getting very upset. I will not start screaming
right now.”
“That’s good,” he said, as his friends laughed. “That’s good.” And deep somewhere in
Syd's confused mind he knew there was a disconnect between his sixties nostalgia and his
newfound conservative fanaticism. The argument proceeded, a picture of three aging ex-hippies
now in their sad, saggy fifties arguing over conspiracy theories. As Syd often said, “I used to be a
democrat, but I got mugged and now I’m a republican.” The leftover fragments of hippy idealism
were on display - paranoid accusations of the government from the extreme left and the extreme
right. The argument cooled down to Syd opining to Ratso of his recent tension with Scooter and
the Geech (old New York friends of Ratso’s) and ended with Syd begging Ratso to give Scooter a
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letter he had written to mend fences so he could get back on the show.
"I mean, I was on the show for fourteen years, Ratso. How could they kick me out like a
dog in the street? What did I do? I was so loyal to those guys. I was the perfect guest. I never
asked for a dime from them! I flew to New York with my own money, stayed in hotels just to go
on the show..."
"Okay, Syd, I'll give Scooter the letter. I can't promise it'll do anything."
"I know, I know, I just want him to know I would love to do the show again and I am
deeply sorry if I offended them in any way. Just give him the letter, can you?"
This was my first window into the decline of Syd's radio career and an obsession he
I had no idea who my neighbors were until one day in my apartment I started to smell
smoke. I heard a crash and bang from next door and some guy coughing. I opened my door onto
the courtyard and my neighbor was outside rubbing his eyes. He was a young guy in his early
“I burned some chicken,” he coughed. “Oh god. I need to open the windows.”
“I don’t know what happened. I guess they were in for too long. What’s your name?”
“Mark.”
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“Let’s see. I put some apple vinegar in there…a lot of stuff. Chipotle. I put a little Tang in
with it. You know Mexicans do that? They put Tang. It’s actually really good. And I put some
lime and stuff. Hey, I wonder if Pauline has her barbecue out here. Maybe we could use it to save
He walked off around the corner of the building and came back with a little barbecue.
“Yeah! She left it outside! I think it’ll be fun if we use it. Can you help me with this
chicken?”
I went inside. The smoke had cleared a lot. His apartment was very sparsely furnished,
with a couch and a TV on the floor. His kitchen was full of dirty dishes. A bowl in his sink was
We got it all and brought it outside. I grabbed the chicken in the oven and brought it out
so we could look at it. Several blackened husks of meat sat sadly on the pan.
“No, you can put it in the food pile,” he said, gesturing over to a pile of old food by the
We got the grill going and sat to waiting for it to get hot enough. Sam rolled cigarette
after cigarette and drank rum and coke while we waited. The air was humid that day.
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“We have to wait out here for Pauline to get home,” he said. “Because when she gets here
“Weed?”
“Yeah, dude.”
After awhile the barbecue was ready and we threw the chicken on to cook. Then a blonde
woman came walking up through the courtyard towards one of the apartments. She was about
forty I guessed.
“Oh my God, I had the worst day,” she said. “I was stood up for a massage, then I was
late for a hair cut, and I just totally missed yoga. Traffic has been such shit today. You guys want
to smoke a bowl?”
Pauline was a masseuse who specialized in energy work and did some empathic massage,
as well as hair and makeup for TV and movies. She made pretty good money and worked for
herself. Sam freelanced as a sound person for TV and music videos. He had also gotten a lot of
work on local Mexican TV because he spoke Spanish. He had a lot of good stories. As the
courtyard filled with the smells of barbecue, the neighbors came out to eat and hang out, and
introduce themselves to me. It was a small courtyard and everybody knew each other. There was
one gay couple that both rode motorcycles, there was one fat single woman with two cats, and
I had a rum and coke and looked up at the Hollywood sky. It was purple and glowing
22
with reflections from the city. A pair of lights from some movie premiere scanned the clouds,
crossing and intersecting. I wondered where Hollywood Syd Ross was, and who he was
annoying. I wondered what my next assignment would be or how long I could keep working for
him.
I needed a TV so I bought one at a yard sale on my street. It was a good deal, only twenty
dollars. The Asian lady I bought it from had strange masculine mannerisms and I couldn’t tell if
it was a transvestite or not. She was very friendly and very talkative. She just talked and kept me
around after I bought the TV. She stood in her yard in her courtyard apartment as I held the TV in
my arms.
“Yeah, right around the corner. I just moved here from up north.”
Her voice was so low, I just couldn’t tell what she was.
“Gosh, it’s so hot out here, do you want to come in for some lemonade?”
“Yeah, that sounds good,” I said without thinking. I had nothing to drink at my apartment.
“Come on up!” she smiled nicely, and started walking up the stairs. I followed to the
balcony of the two-story building, and walked down the hall to her place. Her kitchen was
“I am such a pack rat, you know. I keep everything. That’s why I decided I needed to sell
She went to the fridge and started fixing up the lemonade from scratch, squeezing lemons
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“That’s Lady,” she said. “She’s getting old. She’s my best friend though. Aren’t you?
Even though you sleep all day long!” She bent down and kissed her cat.
I wandered around the living room. There were strange old paintings hung up
everywhere.
A lot of the paintings were of people, some of old men and women, some of herself, some
“Here you go!” she said in her deep-throated voice with a big smile. I drank deeply from
the cup. It was a little dirty like most cups are at people’s houses who live alone. But I did not
mind for some reason. The lemonade was pretty good. I looked at my host. She or he must have
“Well, it’s so nice to have company. You’re such a nice young man.”
She was just a lonely single person in the city, reaching out to a neighbor. I thought about
Syd and realized he was probably lonely too. I believe I never truly understood loneliness until I
moved to Los Angeles. People seemed more desperate for validation than people in other places I
had been. I never found out if she was a man or a woman. But I got a very cheap TV.
So I was watching my new TV when Syd called and told me he had my weekly money-
$360 in cash.
"Hey, I can't meet today. I have to go to Tarzana. Do you need anything from the valley?"
"Yeah, I shouldn't meet you anyways, I've had the flu all week. I'm on a bunch of
antibiotics."
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"Yeah, and to add to that, my friend is in alcohol rehab. She's in this program up there,
because she had a bad problem with drinking. I have to go give her some clothes."
“Yeah, well it’s terrible,” he said. “My friend Kim, she’s really a beautiful girl. We dated
for awhile, but now we’re just good friends. She used to be a model for Hustler.”
“Oh, wow.”
“Yeah, she’s gorgeous. But she had her alcohol problems, and I feel like I need to take
care of her. She doesn’t have anybody, Mark. I think what a person should try to do is help
people who are in need. And I don’t ask for anything in return, you know. I just do it because I
“Yeah.”
"The thing is, I owe her for the rest of my life because of how good she has been to me. I
went through a really hard time a few years ago when my parents died. You know, I felt like I
didn't have anyone left. No one was there to care about me. Scooter and the Geech, they were
making fun of me and using me. They didn't care about me. And my parents, they were
everything to me. I miss them more than anything. But anyways, she came and stayed with me
and gave me support, you know, even after we broke up. Just because she cared about me. She
was the only one, Mark. Now you and her are the only family I have. I'm serious."
“So anyway, I know you’ve been on the clock this whole week, and even though I didn’t
give you anything to do I’m still gonna pay you. See? I’m a man of my word. And I have an
“Oh good.”
“Yeah.”
“Yeah.”
“Well, however you do it, what I want to know is this. Bill Clinton has been speaking all
around the world for huge prices. You know, he’ll speak at Harvard for half an hour and they’ll
pay him an outrageous fee. I want to know where he’s spoken and what he said, but most
importantly how much he was paid. Get as many figures as you can. Can you do that?”
“Because what I want in my book, Mark, is facts. They can’t get to you if you have the
“So anyway, I can’t meet tomorrow because I have shabbatt. But we’ll meet soon so I can
give you your paycheck and you can give me whatever you found on the speaking
engagements.”
We hung up and I sat in my apartment, alone. The strange thing about Hollywood was
how quiet it was at night. On a normal street like mine there was hardly any noise. I walked
outside on the patio. It could be any small town in this country. Sam busted out of his apartment.
“What?”
He snuck around the side of his apartment looking for signs of intruders.
26
“What kids?”
“White Fences. This neighborhood gang. These kids are like fifteen years old. Come
here.”
“See this?”
“They’re always tagging all over the place. I caught one of them trying to break into my
“I’ve seen those kids around. I’ve never seen them breaking into your place.”
“Want to go to the store with me? Do you have a few bucks for some rum?”
“Sure.”
So we walked down to the Hollywood liquor mart, a few blocks east on Hollywood
Boulevard. The place was run by an Asian family and there were two cute young girls, about
sixteen, working behind the counter. The dad paced the store, looking for shoplifters and glaring
suspiciously at us.
“Those girls want me,” Sam whispered as we walked in the store. We went to the rum
On the way back we both walked chewing beef jerky. He broke the silence.
“Ya think? This city is crawling with actors. Most of them never make it. Dude, I would
have a plan B if I were you. No offense, I’m sure you’re good, but just don’t count on it.”
“Let me guess, you were the star of all your high school plays?”
“Yeah,” I laughed.
“Uh-huh. So was I. I came here for the same reason. You can’t make a living doing it. Get
a day job.”
I went home knowing that I had a day job, the only problem was my boss needed one.
His dreams had never died and here he was, insanely chasing the same thing I had come here for.
I didn’t want to end up like him. What happened to people who tasted fame? Was it so
intoxicating that it made you turn into a monster? He was like Gollum chasing some ring his
As I looked out on the city from my window that night, the city felt like some sort of
Edward Hopper painting of broken dreams and washed-up careers. I felt for the first time the
"Mark, I had the best idea. I need to get an army of people to call the show and ask on the
air why they don't have Hollywood Syd Ross on anymore. Do you think you can call the show
and do that?"
"Uh..."
28
"You'll have to wake up at about four o'clock in the morning, because the shows tapes in
New York."
"Okay..."
"If you have any friends who can do it, I will just say this - they will be rewarded. I can't
tell you this, because I don't want it to be bribing, and don't tell your friends when you ask them.
But I am willing to pay two hundred dollars for every time someone calls and asks, on the air,
"Okay..."
"But you CAN'T tell your friends about the money. I just need to get an army of people to
bother them until they let me back on again. I need to get on, Mark. I need to get back on that
show."
I quickly realized that this show had been the sole object of his obsession for the past
fifteen years.
"Because there's this guy on the show, he's a total prick. His name is Bill the Drunk and
he hates my guts. He's been sabotaging me the whole time I've been on the show, trying to turn
Scooter and the Geech against me, telling them lies about me like I was in a mental institution or
that I'm crazy. He even told them I threatened to kill myself. I'm not crazy, Mark. I just need to
get back on that show. But he kisses their asses so much, Mark. He agrees with everything they
say, he laughs at all their jokes. And to tell you the truth, to be completely honest, they've
changed a lot. They used to be nice guys, but they are total egomaniacs now, at least the Geech
is. Scooter has his nice moments. But since they got nationally syndicated, do you know how
rich they got? It's funny, they both got divorces at the same time, and now they're both dating
models. That's true. Success does something to you, Mark. It's more dangerous than failure. I
29
swear, the second you get money and everyone starts kissing your ass you lose your mind. Your
He sighed.
"Oh well."
Then he gave me the assignment of getting him speaking gigs at the local colleges. He
would talk about Clinton to the campus republicans or whoever would take him. He had given
me a giant book of talent buyers all across the country, so I started calling the Cal State
Universities around LA - Dominguez Hills, LA, Long Beach, Northridge. He also wanted me to
write essays on certain topics to be added to the book, as a kind of perspective from the future of
America to show his fellow conservatives that the kids are alright. I would be credited of course.
The first one I had to write was on how much I trust the media - whether I think they’re biased or
not. He loved my generation, he told me over and over. He loved our sophistication, our spunk,
The last thing he asked before we hung up was for the names of all the people who flew
on Air Force One with Clinton while he was in office. I didn't know why he wanted it but a
found an old Time article with a list of all the people. It was so easy.
The next day I met Syd at Hollywood and Vine where he picked me up and took me
down to Larchmont Village, which sat comfortably in the old-money enclave of Hancock Park.
We went to Noah’s Bagels, got a ton of bagels and a sandwich with these coupons that he had
I gave him the article I found on the 56 people who flew on Air Force One with Clinton -
it had a list of every single person, when they flew and where they flew to. Syd was so
unbelievably happy - this could blow the lid on the whole thing, this could send people to jail!
30
He told the whole store at the top of his lungs what a genius I was and paid me my week’s worth.
We left and walked down the street, Syd talking to everyone and handing out copies of
his autobiography, telling anyone who would listen that I was brilliant. He was in such rapture
that when we got to the car he stood outside of it with his boom box playing his Chuck Berry
tape and singing along, playing air guitar for whoever passed by. He would rewind the tape to
play Johnny B. good over and over. This went on for about twenty minutes. He even stood facing
traffic and car after car came by, expecting him to be leaving so they could park, but instead
found this crazy old guy singing Chuck Berry with total passion and intensity. Then he drove me
Then Syd called me to ask to find connections between the Air Force One people and
donors - we need to find out which ones gave to Clinton’s campaign. We must follow the money
trail, and if we find connections, this could be HUGE. This was information that got glossed over
when it came out because there were other scandals at the time- Monica Lewinsky, Whitewater,
Later Syd called me to find the sheet music to two Phil Ochs songs - the Draft Dodger
Rag and I’m Not Marching Anymore. Then he told me about his friend Kim in Tarzana. He had
gone to see her and found out she was on heroin and dating some violent guy who beat her. This
was all besides the alcoholism that Syd thought was the only problem. This guy had been
stalking her and showed up at the rehab clinic while Syd was there. Syd didn’t tell me what
happened but there definitely was a confrontation and the police tried to arrest Syd. He said he
“They thought I was the crazy one!! This just shows how FUCKED UP California is.”
Then he started talking about the recall of Grey Davis. He was excited about Arnold
31
Syd then gave me the task of obtaining Clinton’s tax returns, so with a few keystrokes on
the internet I found a website that has them all. I printed them out, which took all day because
my computer kept messing up and freezing, then my printer ran out of ink and it was so hot
Then he called because of more drama with Kim. She left the rehab center and Syd had to
go get her and convince the rehab center to take her back, then pay for her re-admission.
“You can’t just leave these people out in the cold,” he said.
That Friday I met Syd and went to his house to help him with Microsoft Word. Then we
left in the Thunderbird to do some errands. We went to the bank first, where I got paid, then to
Trader Joe’s where we met a gorgeous young lady who looked like Christina Aguilera. She was
from Switzerland and she was a singer. Syd tried to hook us up but she said “So soon!” I
guessed in her culture they take things slower. We went to Noah’s after Syd bought me a six-
pack of Erdinger as part of my payment. We got a whole bunch of bagels and I barely remember
the rest of the day because we were driving around with the top down in the heat all day and I
didn’t eat anything. Syd gave me some pages of the book to look over as well as a gigantic pile
of e-mails he had received from supporters and fans that he wants me to reply to.
Later that night there was a police chase through Hollywood and I watched it on TV. Sam
was over and we drank some cheap rum he had bought. The cops eventually surrounded the car
and they took the guy into custody. We were both disappointed because we wanted it to end in a
bloody shootout. Sam passed out on my couch and I went to bed without waking him. In the
10
and asked me if I wanted to go along. It was going to be Pee Wee's Big Adventure, which I hadn't
seen since I was ten. We piled in Pauline's little old Honda with our red plastic cups of rum and
juice we'd been drinking all night, and sped through Hollywood listening to strange, trippy
We parked in a run-down neighborhood by the cemetery and walked, with our blankets
and wine we had brought for the movie. We stood in line in front of the giant cemetery and paid
the entrance fee, then walked through the quiet old resting ground all the way to a huge lawn
I couldn't believe it. There were hundreds upon hundreds of people sitting on the grass
waiting for the movie. We found a place to sit and opened the wine, passing it around. The crowd
buzzed with a giant, collective sense of excitement. Then a guy got up in the front with a
"But before we start the movie," his voice echoed in the graveyard, "I want to introduce
the star of the film you're about to watch, Pee-Wee Herman. Paul Reubens, everyone!"
The crowd went absolutely insane with praise and adoration, standing to their feet as he
took the microphone. I felt a strange sense of awe that I couldn't explain.
Yet there was something in the love of the crowd that lifted the man far above the tawdry
details of his life. They were applauding the role he had played in their childhoods. I even
remembered his TV show as an inextricable part of my early life. It was as if I could meet Mr.
33
"Thank you so much," he said. "This was an important movie for me, because it was the
first movie I ever made. This was my big break, you know? Everyone comes to Hollywood
dreaming of their big break, and I was just a kid practically, with a little comedy sketch I'd
developed at the Groundlings, and here I was with my own movie. This was a really magical
time of my life, and I just want to let you know how amazing it is that all of you still like the
movie."
There was a mature, wise appreciation in his aged voice. Yes, he had wrecked his career
as Pee Wee Herman and burned many bridges. Yes, his fame had come and gone. But here he
was, resurrected and redeemed. And we all loved him. He told some stories and the movie
started. After awhile we finished the wine and I left to go find a bathroom. I couldn't find a port-
As I was walking back I saw a large grave surrounded by flowers. It towered up above
my head and my eyes strained in the dark to see who it belonged to. I looked around and saw,
etched in stone, "Douglas Fairbanks, Jr." I had seen in the paper that his birthday had been
recently and his movies were enjoying a resurgence in popularity. I stood there in the dark and
looked as his tombstone. Notes and letters surrounded the grave along with the flowers strewn
everywhere. In the distance the audience laughed and then applauded at the Pee Wee movie.
Something strange was in the air that I hadn't seen yet. But now I realized. Fame was not just
fame, as I thought it was. Here, in Hollywood, it was a religion. I understood what it was that
Syd was chasing after. It was a way of achieving glory, transcendence, immortality.
11
34
The next day I got out of the shower as the phone was ringing. It was Syd and I heard
“MARK! It’s Syd! Hollywood Syd Ross! Can I meet you at Serrano and Hollywood?”
“I’m at Sunset right now, come out of your house in a few minutes.”
I went outside and saw his tiny frame coming up Serrano by my place, jogging in his
“This is the chapter from Dereliction of Duty. It’s all about Clinton’s mistakes with the
military.”
“Let’s go get a soda,” Syd said, so we walked over to Quizno’s as Syd told me that it’s
our duty to educate the youth who think that Clinton was good and Bush is bad. It’s not their
fault, Syd told me, it’s the media and their liberal bias. There’s so much ignorance in this country
and it’s because the media won’t give all sides of the story. So we have to make them realize that
We had our soda while Syd showed me a watch he had bought for Kim as a gift. It was a
huge waterproof sports watch, not very feminine. I told him it was nice. He said she’ll be going
through cold turkey soon and he’s going to ask if he can be there for support while she’s in
withdrawal. With that he bid me adieu and went running off down Western towards his place.
That night I went to a strange art party in Venice that Sam took me too. Some friends of
his from school had invited him and some girl was going to be there that he thought he had a
chance with. The party had these weird multimedia video-music performances and I got pretty
drunk. I’m pretty sure Sam wasn’t very sober, but he got us got back at about 4 AM unharmed.
35
After waking at 11 AM I played my messages and Syd had called to meet me at Quizno’s, so I
called him back and he was on his way there. I went out and got a juice at Jamba Juice. Syd
wandered in and told me we have to go next door to Starbucks to meet “Kevin.” We went to
Starbucks and Kevin was sitting there, a black man staring into space and not drinking coffee. He
grunted a hello to me. He was one of the many weirdoes I had seen around the neighborhood
who might not be homeless but definitely did not have jobs. Syd introduced us and told Kevin
that Bill Clinton had Ron Brown killed and that liberals never say hi or talk to strangers. That’s
After telling Kevin that George Bush loves black people Syd sat down. Kevin stared at us
silently. Syd had told the whole store that he was writing a book on the Clintons by now, and
some crazy-looking white guy with long stringy hair came over and said he had a suggestion.
Syd told him to sit down and promptly continued his conversation with Kevin, silencing the
crazy man several times when he tried to intervene. Finally Syd let him speak and he said, “You
should put something in your book about the homeless” to which Syd responded “I have great
compassion for the homeless, and do you want to know why politicians do nothing about the
homeless? You tell me your guess, I‘m going to use the Socratic method on you.”
“Both your answers were good, but not good enough. Politicians never help the homeless
because they DO NOT VOTE! Thank you very much, I’m Hollywooood Syd Ross!”
And he sent the man on his way. Suddenly a young blonde girl who looked like a model
walked in with a pink tube-top, a short jean skirt and pink rouge on her cheeks.
36
“Thank you, that’s sweet,” she said with a nice smile. Syd asked her if she was single and
“Yeah!”
He fumbled for one of his business cards and had me write down my number on the back.
“Thanks!” she said. “Well, I have to go, I’m about to go film an episode of Extreme
Dating. Yeah, my two ex boyfriends are going to be on the show, watching me go on a blind date
She left and Syd gave me a new chapter of the book but I wasn’t paying attention. I was
reeling from the weirdness of the past ten minutes. We talked about the chapter a little bit, then
Syd said he had to go to Reseda later that day, but not on the101, he hates the 101. He only takes
backstreets to avoid the traffic. We parted ways and he went jogging down the street to pick up
The sun was hot, it was another perfect day in Los Angeles, and I had to laugh watching
Syd run down the street. I thought about how my day had started out. I was starting to bridge the
gap between my hippy Northern California upbringing and Syd’s outraged conservatism. I
agreed with him that morality was not a partisan issue and exists independently of politics, so if
Clinton committed crimes he should be punished, democrat or not. And the same went for the
California recall madness - whoever could get the state out of its debt and solve its problems,
republican or democrat, that’s who should be in office. I just didn’t think the Terminator was the
37
one for the job. And no one could convince me that Bush was any kind of good guy.
12
Syd started giving me assigned reading. The first book, detailing the bizarre and mutually
beneficial relationship of Bill and Hillary, was small but hard to get through. I skimmed most of
it. I met him at Starbucks to receive a new book and I stupidly forgot my walkie-talkie, which he
loved to use even when we were sitting next to each other at a crowded Starbucks. When I got to
Starbucks I saw him down the street talking into his walkie-talkie as he crossed the street. Oh
no! I thought, he’s been talking into his walkie-talkie for the past ten minutes and didn’t even
realize I wasn’t on the other end. When he saw I didn’t have mine his face fell and he became
gravely serious.
“I want you to repeat after me, Mark. I will always bring my walkie-talkie when I meet
“I will always bring my walkie talkie when I meet Hollywood Syd Ross, especially on
“I WILL ALWAYS BRING THE WALKIE TALKIE, ESPECIALLY THE DAY BEFORE
PAY DAY!”
“Okay, let’s get down to business. I have a book for you, you’ll love it.” And he gave me
38
“This book talks about how mean and self-serving Hillary Clinton was. She was worse
than Bill! She was a vicious anti-semite who only cared about herself.”
He gave me some more pages to edit, then we wrapped it up. The next day we met at
Hollywood and Vine, after communicating with the walkie talkies (which I remembered that
time) and I got into his car, where he blasting an old Jan and Dean tape. We went down to
Larchmont Village, richie rich town, where Syd loves to go, and paraded down the street while
Syd held up a sign that said “Hillary Clinton is a Witch.” He stood in front of the pizza parlor
antagonizing the liberal customers endlessly, playing Jan and Dean loudly, dancing and making
We went to Noah’s, taunting and angering everyone, mostly women who love Hillary.
One lady was with her husband and they had just come out of the Coffee Bean when Syd got in
her face and yelled “Hillary Clinton belongs in jail!!” She muttered something derogatory under
her breath and walked on, but Syd followed, saying “WHAT? What was that? Do you have
something to say to me, you stupid liberal? Why don’t we have a conversation? I’ll debate with
you any day, I was the captain of my high school debate team, I went to Brandeis and Cornell
University!”
The woman, almost in tears, said “You ruined my cup of coffee at Melrose and La Brea
After that we went and danced in front of the Jamba Juice, which has a wall made of
glass so everyone inside can see you. We held up the sign and sang along to Jan and Dean, which
was good because Syd could bother as many people as he wants and no one could throw him out.
39
Then finally got to Noah’s and he gave me my $360 for the week. He drove me back to my place
and told me to take the next day off because I’ve been working hard.
I read Ann Coulter’s “High Crimes and Misdemeanors” all that week, the highly
conservative book by the highly conservative writer about why Clinton should’ve been
impeached and sent to jail - three hundred pages of angry, outraged criticisms of his personal
exploits, lies, and complete disregard of the law and common decency. I came away from the
My job was to read these books and find parallel, complementary information to tie the
facts all together. Syd wanted to have an ethical, non-partisan basis for the case against Bill
Clinton in the form of quotes on ethics and morality at the beginnings of chapters, so I jumped at
the chance. I found some philosophical quotes from Plato, Aristotle, Epictetus, John Stuart Mill
and others to give to Syd. It was the only intellectually rewarding part of the job. It was so nice
to have something mentally rigorous and rewarding to sink my teeth into. I spent way more time
on the philosophy than Syd probably wanted me to, but I just couldn’t go back to the intellectual
I was beginning to think around this time that the mind is like a stomach and must be fed
like one. Like a digestive system that is only fed Cheetos for weeks on end, my brain was
starting to cave in on itself, craving something with real substance. Spending all this time around
Hollywood Syd Ross started making me depressed because I had nothing to think about that was
worth my mental energy. Reading the balanced and beautiful ideas of Plato and Aristotle became
I had given Syd some of Clinton’s tax returns and some contact information for the Fox
40
News Channel, stuff I found on the internet. He wanted to contact the producers of all those
shows and become a guest. He told me in a confessional moment on the phone about his goals.
“Nobody’s supposed to know this, Mark, but my ultimate goal is to get a show on the Fox
News Channel. I want to go back into television. And when I get my own show, guess who the
“Me?”
“That’s right. I know you don’t have any experience but I trust you. You’ll book the
guests, you’ll help me make the format, you can even be on the show if you want. You’ll have to
move to New York, but you can keep your place in LA and follow your acting thing, too. How do
“Wow.”
“I know. It’s pretty exciting, isn’t it? You see, this can happen! This is a possibility!”
“Yeah, okay.”
“We just have to finish this book and publicize it, it will be slow going at first, but we just
have to stick with it. See, everything in life is just not giving up. You cannot give up when you
have dreams like I do. That’s what I’m trying to teach you. If there’s one thing you take away
We met the next day at Starbucks to exchange information and chapters. Syd’s new thing
was to approach women and ask if they would vote for Hillary Clinton. If they said yes he would
scream at them and say that Hillary is a lying, conniving, immoral, anti-semitic witch who was
complicit in all the major scandals of the Clinton White House. I saw this happen as I walked up
to the Starbucks to meet him. The argument ended with him screaming “Limousine liberal!!” in
A Mexican couple was in line ahead of us and Syd proceeded with his Spanish Schpiel:
“Hola, que yo no soy latino pero habla espanol, a mi me gusta todos los latinos! Los latinos son
buenagentes republicanos! A George Bush les gusta los latinos!” They smiled and shook his
hand.
The meeting was short - we just exchanged documents and then we walked down
“This neighborhood is so great, this reminds me of Brooklyn. It’s all mixed, you know?
Not like Hancock Park and Santa Monica with all the liberal whites. They say they love
immigrants, but they don’t want them in their neighborhood!” he laughed his raspy old laugh.
“They love them most when they stay in East LA! Ha ha ha!! Look at these old buildings, Mark.
These have to be from the twenties, just look at some of the architecture. See that building?” He
pointed at a bank. “That used to be a Masonic temple. See the writing at the top?”
“”Whoa, you’re right,” I said, looking at the words “Masonic Lodge” engraved in stone.
“See, Mark, there’s a whole hidden past in this city. Every other building that’s a bank or
an apartment building used to be something else fifty years ago. Underneath everything there’s
so much history. People say LA is shallow, but they don’t see underneath the surface. Some day
I’ll take you to the valley, there’s some great old stuff. I’ll show you where Buster Keaton’s
ranch used to be. And did you know that Edgar Rice Burroughs, the guy who invented Tarzan,
had a ranch? That’s where Tarzana comes from. I’ll show you that too. I think my next book is
gonna be called ‘Hollywood Syd Ross’s Guide to LA.’ You can help me with that too.”
We parted ways at Wilton so he could jog home. Sometimes I wondered if he was crazy
Probably crazy.
42
13
I saw an audition on Craigslist for an acting showcase. You could bring your own
material to perform and there would be agents and industry people to come see you. I had a
funny little monologue I had written for a high school writing class, so I figured I would dust it
off and go try out for the showcase. I called and made an appointment time, then rehearsed my
monologue a couple of times. This was good, it could be my big break. It was in the middle of
the arts district in North Hollywood, where a lot of people had been discovered. There were tons
Since the audition was in North Hollywood I took the subway and got off at the last stop.
I wandered down Lankershim Boulevard looking for the address. I passed several Starbucks,
some burger joints, and a dozen little theaters that weren't the one I was supposed to go to. I
thought this place was in the middle of the arts district. Then I realized I was completely going
the wrong way. I looked at my watch and saw that my appointment time was five minutes away,
so I turned around and started running. I ran and ran, maybe seven blocks, way past the arts
district. I was surrounded by car dealerships. I looked at the address as I walked past a Honda lot.
It should be right here, I thought, confused. The address of the theater was the same as the
address of the Honda dealership. Then I noticed a little paper sign tacked onto a post that said
I walked through the lot and came to a small storage space that was in the back of the
"Yeah."
43
I walked inside and saw what had been converted into a small theater with some chairs
set up. Oh great. This was the great showcase. How many Hollywood agents would come here to
see some weirdos do monologues they had written behind a car dealership?
A white woman with dark frizzy hair came up to me to shake my hand. She looked a little
spacey.
"Hey, you can just sign in right here, and then have a seat. Thanks a lot for coming! This
I signed in and waited for a little while. I was nervous about my monologue. Would I
forget the lines? Would they understand the humor? Eventually they called my name and I
walked onto the little stage they'd set up. There were three people in the audience, the frizzy
haired woman and a white bearded man, then a younger dark-skinned girl.
"Mark."
"Hey, we're getting better," she laughed. "So, what will you be performing for us?"
"Okay."
I stood in the center of the stage and collected myself for a second, then began.
"I worked at the library for three years I suppose. Kathy, she gave me the job. She's so
44
beautiful. Mom says I ain't got the skills to do much else but check out books at the library. Pop
wants me to help him with the logging. He goes way down into the canyon everyday with those
men, and he comes back all sweaty like, cursing and angry. Mother, she cooks most the day and
my brother, well he lost it a long time ago. He still lives at home but he's not allowed out of his
room because when he was younger, he killed the dog. No one knows why. They came home and
found him, he was watching TV, the dog was all around the room in different parts. There was
blood everywhere.
Oh man, I'm gonna miss the library. The young childrens were nice to me when they
came and checked out the books. And the older folks came and talked to me. But I can't stand to
work there anymore, I keep dreaming of sweet Kathy. She's older but her beauty is like a flower.
A rose!
Something weird happened to Kathy. I don't feel so good about it, I just hope Pop doesn't
find out.
See, a few days ago Kathy asked me to walk her home after the library closed. Me,
Arnold! I love to walk with her. She talks so much, because she's so smart. She read every book
in the library. So we locked the doors, and did a library check, to make sure no one was left in
the building. We's walking along Main Street, she started telling me about all the places she
been, she been all around the world. I never even left this town, except once when we went
camping when I was twelve. So she told me about Italy, and she been to the beautiful sandy
beaches of Mexico. She said it was most beautiful place ever. I said 'Kathy I been working a lot
at the library and saving up. Someday I will go to the beautiful sandy beaches of Mexico. And I
will take you there!' Then she stopped me and made me look at her. We were all quiet, just
looking at each other. She smiled. I got all tingly and I started to blush on the face. Then she
45
leaned herself forward and kissed me, right on the cheek! She said she would love to go south of
the border with Arnold! For the first time someone loved Arnold!
I got so excited, I put my hands on her, I said 'I love you Katherine, and I want to marry
you. I want to be with you forever! I have a good job, good family, I can provide for woman.' But
she laughed at me. She said she has a boyfriend. And I am just library boy, with no prospects.
She told me to have a nice night and walked away from Arnold. So I lost control. I went after her
and put my hands on her throat and we fell on the ground. I hit her on the face, I hit her on the
mouth, there was this rock on the ground and I hit her on the head with it. Over and over and
And the next day I gone to the library, I was real quiet. The library was awful still. No
one said anything about Kathy. I kept thinking I seen Kathy at the check-out desk, or stacking
books. She was blowing kisses at me and looking so beautiful. I couldn't take it no more, I have
to get out of the library. So I left before my shift was over, I never done that before and I was
scairt. I went back home and took the money I saved from the library out of my jar underneath
my bed, I bought a bus ticket. It goes way south, where no one knows me. I'm gonna find a way
to go to Mexico where I'll be safe. I'll be there with Kathy and we'll walk the sandy beaches."
When I finished the monologue I looked out and they were all staring at me, shocked.
"Wow."
Oh no! They didn't think it was funny. I knew this would happen.
As I left I thought it was probably still okay if they thought it was a tragedy. At least they
liked it.
A few days later I got a call from the frizzy haired woman.
"Mark, we want to put your monologue in the show. We think it will really go well with
the kind of show we're putting together. Can you come to a rehearsal tomorrow night at seven?
I took the subway again and got to the same place in the back of the dealership. I got
I had a seat inside and saw about twelve other people who had been chosen for the
showcase. We all introduced ourselves. The frizzy-haired woman got up to welcome us.
"I would like to tell you all how happy I am that you're here, and I think we're going to
have a really great show. My name is Peggy, and this is the second show like this I've put on. The
last one went really well, and since last time we did more comedy I thought I would choose more
"We're so lucky to have this great space to work in, and I want to thank Honda for letting
us use the space. Since my husband Doug works at the dealership, we got a really great deal on
the theater. We're renting it for very cheap. There will be some issues because of the fact that it
was not initially created as a theatrical space, and so lighting and backstage things will become
issues that we will have to work around. But I think this area has such a great feeling, that will
"Okay," she said, "So I thought it would be nice to run through all the plays just to show
everyone what kind of a show we will have. Sharon, do you want to start, since you have to leave
early?"
"Okay," said an older, heavy set woman in the front row. She got up and went on the
stage. We watched as she began. She spoke in a very confessional manner, without much
"Blondie came into my life during a very difficult time. It was after my second divorce
and I was feeling very alone. VERY alone. I just felt that my husband had never truly shared
himself with me, and I had felt lonely during the relationship. So when he left me for a younger
woman I felt abandoned as well as betrayed. Since I do not have an active relationship with my
biological family, I had feelings of deep depression and even considered suicide several times. I
"Sorry," she said, "I should be able to get through this. I've done this piece a hundred
"I never considered myself an animal person until a feral cat started coming to my house.
In Reseda you don't see too many feral animals so it was surprising to me. I started leaving food
out for her and noticed that she would come back and visit me to say hi, and she would notice
when I was having a bad night. She seemed to always show up when I needed some company the
48
most. Since she had such pretty blonde hair I called her Blondie. She just kept coming by. She
would never come close to me, because she was afraid. I could tell people had been cruel to her,
and she was afraid of getting close to people now. Even though she wouldn't come near me I
knew she loved me. I could feel it. She was just afraid. And at night I could hear her outside my
window mewing. And I knew I wasn't alone. She was out there, my best friend. And it was a
tough world for both of us, but we still had each other. We loved each other. That's all you have
in this world, love. Even when you lose everything else, if you have love you will be okay,
because it's the one thing you really can't live without. I know that now. I didn't realize that in my
marriages and with my family, and I took things for granted. So I was having this relationship
with Blondie, this beautiful new thing in my life, and it was great. She was getting less afraid of
me and coming closer to the house. But one day she came by and she just looked very sick."
"And I just picked her up and held her, which she never let me do before. I took her to the
vet and the said she had breast tumors. She probably wouldn't have much more time. They were
too advanced to operate, there was nothing I could do. So I took her back home and she
disappeared for a few days. I couldn't sleep at all. I didn't know what to do. And then one night
she presented herself to me, right at my bedroom door. She was laying at my door waiting for
me. It was truly awesome for such a feral cat to show herself so openly to me. And then when we
crossed paths later she just kept strolling, didn't run at all. So I came to the realization that I
wouldn't try to trap her anymore. I told her that she could live with me as long as she wants. I
explained that the minute the pain was too much, she just had to let me know - and let me pick
her up, and I'll have her put down. So we came to a remarkable peace, Blondie and I, and later
that night she let me know that it was time. And I looked in her eyes and knew it was the end. I
49
took her to the vet and they put her down. But I still have her spirit with me, and I know there is
The monologue was over and she left the stage. Everyone applauded.
"Hi, my name is Courtney. This is a thing I wrote, I hope you like it."
"Courtney, will you be needing any props or furniture for your piece?"
"No, it's just me. I'll just stand here and say it."
"Okay. If you need any props or anything, let me know soon so I can get it."
"I always liked eating. My whole life, I loved to sit and eat big meals with my family.
Our family is Italian, so eating is a really big deal. It's a great time to connect with your family
and enjoy life. But when I got into high school there was a lot of competition among the other
girls to look good and be skinny. When I didn't make it onto the cheerleading team I assumed it
was because I was too heavy. I started to get really self-conscious about my weight and I started
to get really depressed. Since I loved eating so much I didn't want to starve myself like all the
nasty supermodels. I thought that was gross, and I thought it was gross to throw up on purpose
like some of the girls I knew at school. So what I did was I would eat a lot of food, and gorge, I
would eat like five slices of pizza and a whole bunch of bread, and then maybe a half a tub of ice
cream. And then I would take laxatives. I would take five times the recommended dosage, and I
would just spend the rest of the night on the toilet. And that's how I spent most of my nights,
sitting on the toilet all night long, crying and hating myself. Eventually my parents noticed I was
spending a lot of time in the bathroom and they asked if something was wrong. I said there was,
50
and they had me go to a therapist. He put me on medication that made me feel better about
myself, and I stopped hating my body. He gave me tips for how to deal with those times that I
feel too fat. There's all these little exercises I do, it would probably seem crazy to you. For
instance, I write down all the things I hate about my body, like this whole long list, and then I go
through the list later and I realize those things aren't true. It's all in my mind. I cross them off one
by one. It might sound weird, but it really helps. It's a lot of work being happy. All the happy
"Wow," said Peggy. "We have so many great monologues. I know we have some scenes.
A guy and a girl got up and organized some chairs onstage to make it look like a living
room.
"Hey, my name is Jesse," said the girl, who was dark-haired and sullen.
"And I'm Rob," said the guy, who was blonde and tan. "This is a scene a friend of ours
They started. It began with the girl onstage in the chair, looking really depressed and
holding a remote, acting like she was watching TV. Then the guy came onstage.
"Honey? Are you okay? You don't seem like yourself lately."
"You guess? Honey, what's wrong? You can tell me. I'm your husband."
"Well," she started, "I don't know what's wrong with me, but lately I've been having
weird thoughts."
"Like today I was on the street walking, and I saw a bus go by, and I thought, 'what if I
jumped in front of that bus?' Part of me wanted to do it to see what would happen."
"Oh no," the guy said, his face filling with emotion. "Honey, don't say that."
"I just feel disconnected. I don't know what is wrong with me."
"Honey, we'll get through this. We'll figure out what is wrong with you."
"Ever since the abortion, I just feel like life is not worth living anymore."
"Honey, we talked about that. That was a decision we made together. That happened a
She burst into tears and sat there, blubbering on the chair. He embraced her.
"Honey, we'll get through this. I am here for you. I want you to know that. I will never
leave you, because I love you. You're my wife and I love you."
She wept for a while and they sat there, embracing each other. Then the scene was over.
"Wow," Peggy said. "That was so powerful. Thank you so much for sharing that. Our
show is going to be really good. I already have such a great feeling about it. Let's see, who
"Wow, dude," said the blonde guy Rob. "Did you write that? That was incredible. So
crazy, man. I like, felt for the guy, you know? Really good."
I had mixed feelings about being in such serious company and having people think my
monologue was dramatic. Maybe other people didn't have my same sense of humor. Maybe my
sense of humor was too dark or too twisted. I couldn't help it. That's how my dad's sense of
The rehearsal lasted several hours and I caught the metro back home. Peggy had given us
52
a whole bunch of flyers to mail to agents and casting directors. I gave one to Sam and one to
Pauline. I would not be handing them out on the street with Hollywood Syd Ross and I would
14
I met Syd at Hollywood and Vine at 1:30 a few days later. He was wearing a big tye-dye
shirt that made him look like the nostalgic hippies that used to live in the neighborhood I grew
up. No one would've guessed my boss’s enthusiastic support for for George W. Bush. Syd told
me that the book was going to be unbelievable as we sped through Hollywood in the T-Bird on
our way to Larchmont Village, the blazing sun bringing sweat to our brows. The main topic of
the day was Ron Brown’s mysterious death and the numerous facts that lead Syd to believe he
was murdered by Clinton’s people for knowing too much about the Chinagate scandal. He was
closely involved in illegal fundraising from the red Chinese through John Huang. Syd spewed
vitriol as we traveled to Larchmont. As we parked in front of the pizza place he saw some
women sitting there and said, “Look at these people. Look at this cunt on the cell phone.”
“Yeah.”
“She’s probably a democrat - she probably loves Hillary Clinton. What if - what if I told
this bitch all the things Hillary did. What if she knew that Hillary referred to the secret service as
her trained pigs! And how she fired men at the travel office - men who had been there for thirty
years! And hired her friends from Arkansas! And how she supported the Black Panthers in the
So we sat and ordered pizza while Syd gave me some new chapters. We got to the chapter
about Hillary and all the things she said, Syd somehow got a list of quotes of hers and he started
53
reading them loudly - “ ‘Put your dick up, Bill, you can’t FUCK her here.’ And ‘Get out of my
FUCKING way! The secret service are my trained pigs!’ She said that!”
Syd was practically yelling and a woman sitting next to us with her family came over to
us.
“Syd, the things you’re saying are offensive, and we’re trying enjoy our meal here. Why
Syd exploded.
“You should check your constitution, lady! Do you know the laws in this country? Do
you even know? You’re probably a democrat! You probably love Hillary Clinton!”
“Can’t you just keep your voice down? Please, I’m eating here with my family.”
“These are real quotes. These are cited, these are not my words. Hillary Clinton said these
“I’m sure they are, but can you keep them to yourself for now?”
“Alright, alright, I’ll do it - but just be aware that you’re oppressing me.”
She went back to her seat while Syd continued berating her.
“You have a nice family - too bad you’re all a bunch of phony liberals! You probably hate
George Bush, but if I asked you why, you couldn’t tell me. You’d say, ‘I just don’t feel good
about him.’ Mark, that’s how all these liberals are, they don’t have any facts to support their
We finished our meal, wrapped up the meeting and got up to leave. Syd turned to the
family.
“I feel terrible about what happened. I feel very sorry. Mark, get them a book.”
I got a book out of his bag. He always carried copies of the autobiography.
54
They accepted.
“Thank you, Syd. It’s okay. You just need to keep you’re voice down sometimes.”
We introduced ourselves to the whole family in a sign of contrition. “You have to be nice
to people nowadays,” Syd told me. “Since 9/11 I realized I can’t be as annoying as I used to be.
You know, we’re all Americans, Mark. We’re all fighting the forces of evil together.”
On the bus ride home from Syd's place I had an idea for something to write that made me
laugh. When the bus dropped me off I ran up to my apartment to write it down before I forgot. I
They landed on the unidentified planet with one mission: find hot chicks.
That was all I had, but I thought it was so great that it deserved to be elaborated on. I kept
writing.
"Okay, men," announced Captain Rogers to the crew of fifteen horny astronauts, "You
know what they look like. You know the safety precautions. What do we do if we see aliens?"
"Blast 'em!" said the new recruit Johansen from the back row.
"And?"
"No, you idiot! We make love to them. Some of you have forgotten this. It's been so long
since we have been with women that I understand. Does anyone have any questions about how to
make love to a woman? Don't be shy. Does anyone not know how to do it?"
55
Gradually everyone raised their hands, some of them staring at the ground in shame.
"Oh my God," said Captain Rogers. "The problem is worse than I thought. Listen - let's
just forget about the women for now. Let's forget that humans on earth are an endangered
species, and let's forget about the disease that killed our female population ten years ago. Let's
forget about our mothers, sisters and daughters who died in the plague. Let's just sit in the
"This is not a time for tears, men. I know the situation is desperate, but we cannot give
"Let's go!" someone said. The men rose from their stupor and began putting on their
helmets.
"That's the spirit," said Rogers. "Now let's go in the usual formations. Meet back at the
The men left the ship, Captain Rogers heading his squadron of three. They had landed
their ship on a mountain ridge and now began their descent down the mountain. The terrain was
rocky but there appeared to be shrubbery. That was a good sign. Suddenly Lieutenant Danielson
shouted "SMOKE!" The men looked over in the distance and saw what appeared to be a forest
with smoke arising from it in various points. Life. The squadron ran joyously down the hill to the
ground where they raced towards the forest village in the distance.
Suddenly a man-like creature on top of a giant bird swooped down in front of them.
"You speak English!" said Captain Rogers, falling on his knees. "You must help us. We
56
"We know. We are descended from humans. Captain Walker's crew colonized this planet
Rogers gasped. Walker's expedition was famous, their ship had lost contact with Earth
and was assumed to be destroyed all this time. Captain Rogers explained the situation with
Earth and the women and the alien said that the women on his planet were not only beautiful but
incredibly fertile. He took them to the city where he showed them some of the alien half-human
women. They had tentacles and strange green skin and were a sight to be seen for the weary
travelers. They were indeed gorgeous. The alien, whose name turned out to be Grok, said that
the earthlings could take several of their femaliens back to Earth and that they would be able to
"Hmmm," mused Captain Rogers. He thought of Earth with its polluted air and
exhausted resources, plus the religious wars that had caused so much destruction.
"Or if you and your crew wish to stay here and live with us, we would welcome you," said
Rogers looked out at the peaceful city around him with its strangely beautiful women and
"Men - I have found life on this planet. It is good life. I have decided that we will stay
here. None of you are permitted to go back to Earth. They must not know of the treasure we've
found."
The men convened in the city. They were welcomed and that night there was a
57
celebration for the newcomers. All of the crew got laid. However, none of them slept well for a
long time, for they were haunted by the dying planet they had left behind.
I read the story over once and thought it was pretty good. Then I went out to have that
beer with Sam. I showed him the story and he thought it was pretty good too.
15
My parents had started going on cruises because they were a lot easier to do than any
other form of vacation. You didn't have to worry about anything. You know where you're going
to sleep and eat every night. All the activities are prearranged for you. It's a giant floating hotel,
mall, nightclub, resort, everything you can think of. So my mom arranged a cruise in the
Caribbean for the whole family. I told Syd I would be gone for a week and he was slightly
annoyed but I didn't care. I drove home and the four of us all flew to Miami to get on the cruise.
One night about three days into the cruise I got dressed up for dinner and took a swig of
the mango rum I had gotten in Barbados. My sister and I walked out of our room and down the
hall. We got lost several times before we found the dining room. The boat pitched gently as we
walked into the room. My parents were already at their seats, the same ones we had been at all
week.
"Oh my God, look at Dad," said my sister. His face was dark from the sun. We'd been
"He looks like a Mexican!" I said, and the two of us busted up laughing. We got to the
dinner table.
58
"I don't know why my complexion is so funny to you people," he said. "I think you're just
Our table mates arrived shortly. There was Geena, a pretty blonde woman in her fifties,
and Geena's friend Teresa. They were from Arizona. Geena's husband, who was much older, had
some form of illness where he had to wear a colostomy bag and have constant medical attention.
She and Teresa were taking a vacation together while the husband was at home with a nurse. We
Our other table mates were a couple, Doug and Susan, from Orlando. They were devout
Christians. Doug had nearly killed himself through alcohol and drugs until Christ saved him. I
think they were both born-again. They mentioned Jesus constantly, praying before each meal.
During the meal we talked about the nice waiting staff that lavished attention on us. Our waiter,
Bozidar, was from Turkey, and his apprentice Tom, who filled our wine glasses and brought the
"There certainly are a lot of foreigners working on this ship," my dad observed.
"Oh yeah," said Doug. "We've been on about ten cruises. They're all filled with people
"The guy who makes our beds is from the Phillipines," said Geena. "He said this is the
best job you can get if you're from one of the poor countries. There is a wait list to get a cruise
job. He had to wait a year to get his job. And he only got it because the last person died. So he
replaced that guy. It's incredibly competitive. There's just no jobs in those countries."
"He has a family back in the Phillipines," Teresa added. "A wife and kids."
I pictured little third world towns teeming with poor, desperate people just waiting to
59
leave. They would even leave their own families for months, years at a time to find a decent job
making beds. The world was a shocking place once you left the United States. This cruise ship
must have seemed like heaven on earth to these poor people. I always felt a mixture of pity and
bewilderment at the poor immigrants that crowded into LA looking for jobs, getting up early to
take the bus for an hour to go scrub toilets. I would never have to suffer that fate. None of my
children would. My ancestors didn't even have to go through that. They came from Germany and
After the meal my mom and dad went to check out the comedy show. There was some
comedian who did magic who had gotten rave reviews. My sister and I went out to the deck
where we heard a big commotion. There must have been hundreds of people watching a show of
some kind. There was an Australian girl in the center of the deck with a microphone. She was
part of the events staff, which was all Australians and British people for some reason.
"For this next competition I will need five strapping young men. Don't be shy, boys!"
Events coordinators walked through the crowd grabbing people. One of them, a girl,
grabbed me and started pulling me towards the stage. I tried to fight it but it was no use. She was
determined to bring me into the competition. When the five of us were assembled onstage in
front of hundreds of screaming young cruise goers. The Australian girl gave us all hula hoops.
While they played music the five of us twirled the hoops around our waists. The huge
dinner I had just eaten threatened to come up constantly and I became incredibly nauseous. But I
just kept going. When the hoop got low I just spread my legs to catch it before it hit the ground.
One by one my opponents dropped their hoops. They just couldn't keep them up. My long legs
When all of my competitors had failed, I was left standing, the victor of the men's league.
The whole boat exploded in cheers as I pumped my fist in the air. Then I had to battle the
champion from the girl's competition. She was tall and blonde, with long skinny legs. I worried.
We both poised our hoops around our waists as we waited for the music to start.
When it began I rotated my pelvis furiously, trying to keep my hula hoop up. My chest
and stomach erupted with soreness from the weight of the food and the strain of the competition.
I felt my dinner rising in my throat. I had to win this competition. My legs teetered like
toothpicks. Just as they were about to give out I saw the girl next to me tip to the side as the boat
shifted in the restless Pacific. Her scrawny legs collapsed under her and she fell to the ground,
twisting her ankle badly. She burst into tears of agony - the agony of defeat, the agony of
exertion. The Australian girl announced, "We have a winner!" and it echoed across the ship.
The applause was thunderous. The girl next to me was on the ground, writhing as the
Australian girl came up to grab my hand. Just then I couldn't stop it. My stomach heaved and I
felt my dinner coming up. It was all the wine I had drunk, the chocolate pie, the salad, the soup,
the veal, and the physical demands of the competition. I gagged as the vomit exploded out of my
mouth and landed on the Australian girl's face. I heaved again, doubling over and vomiting on
All I remember is lying on the ground and hearing the mayhem that exploded around me.
I remember the sounds of women sobbing and people screaming, then my sister's voice as I
"I told mom and dad what happened," my sister said from her bed. "They thought it was
61
"Still queasy?"
"Okay. Don't get lost. Remember we're on the seventh floor past the casino."
I walked down the narrow, surreal corridor towards the casino. It was late at night and the
casino was filled with fat old men and women gambling away. I went through the blinking lights
and crowds to the other side. I had never been back there before. There was a lounge with a few
drunks sitting and listening to a guy at a piano. I was a little lightheaded. The guy was playing a
song from Phantom of the Opera. A few old women sat by him and watched adoringly. At the
end of the lounge was a door that went to the outside. I walked through and felt the warm
tropical night air blasting on me. I stood on the deck by the ledge and looked out. The ocean was
so vast and so dark. Life on the inside was so warm and comforting, but it was so strange and
terrifying out there in the ocean. I understood what Captain Ahab must have been raging at - the
I walked up a staircase to the deck where the swimming pools were. A bunch of drunk,
fat guys were sitting in the hot tubs. It was a beautiful night, much more pleasant than the middle
of the day with the sun burning my face. Back in Barbados we had walked through the town and
seen how the heat affected people's lives. Our tour guide had even told us in his lilting Carribean
There were essentially no jobs in any of these islands, and the only industries were
62
tourism, spices and rum. I wondered why everywhere you go on vacation ends up being
depressing. I looked in the window at the fat white people inside. There was a snack bar that was
open all night long, serving hot dogs, pizza and ice cream. I guess I would take the comfort of
the cruise ship over the poor third-world towns we had visited.
I suddenly felt that America was like a giant cruise ship, floating through the cruel
oceans, lost and deluded. We were fighting a war we would never win and should not have
started. Hollywood Syd Ross was just as confused as any of us, raging on the streets of Los
Angeles every day, opining some mythical past that would never return. We were all stuck on the
mighty cruise ship of America, drifting in our comfort, oblivious but terrified of the world
outside of us.
I walked around the deck for awhile, half in love with the boat and half disgusted by it. I
had a feeling that this was the last vacation our whole family would take together. We were all
just getting to the age where we were going our separate ways.
16
After I got back I met Syd at Hollywood and Vine. He was wearing a red Cornell hat.
When I got in the car he started fuming about new law Grey Davis had just passed allowing all
“As if we don’t have enough Mexicans driving without insurance, why don’t we just
open our borders and say ‘come on in.’ Do you know how easy it will be for terrorists to come
here and get licenses, get citizenship, and pretty soon they’re voting!” He said suddenly that he
had a great idea and we had to go pick something up at his house. So we cruised down to his
place and he went in while I waited. Then he came out with a giant sombrero.
63
He gave me his Cornell hat as we drove through his neighborhood towards Hancock
Park, waving at people and shouting “Gray Daveees gave me a license, homes!”
Eventually we pulled up in front of a synagogue where all these Orthodox Jews were
standing around talking. He parked, saying “The great thing about shabbatt - there’s great
parking! Ha ha, you like that? ‘Cause they’re not supposed to drive, you like that? Hahaaaa!!!!”
Then we got out and all these Jews in their dark robes and giant hat and braids came over.
“Syd, how come you’re not running for governor? Who is this, your assistant? Is he
Jewish?”
“Hi Mordechai, hello Levy, how are you?” He walked through the gathering crowd with
his giant sombrero, like a superstar. No one said anything about the sombrero but he rationalized
it.
“You like my hat? It’s because of the new law! Did you hear about it? They’re giving
We went into the building, a giant room full of orthodox Jews reading texts, speaking
Hebrew and getting drunk on wine. Everyone knew him in the whole room and they crowded
around him like he was a saint. He went through speaking Hebrew and Yiddish, introducing me.
“This is my assistant, he’s a goyim. I can only hire goyim, he takes nine bucks an hour. A
Jew would charge twenty! He didn’t have a kovah so I gave him mine, how do you like the
sombrero? The torah says you have to wear a hat, it doesn’t say how big it has to be!”
There were Jews everywhere talking loudly and drunkenly. After making our rounds we
left the building and drove to Lulu’s Café. We said hi to the waitresses and suddenly saw a
64
“It’s Jeffrey Gold!” Syd said. “Jeffrey!” We went to his table, where he was sitting with
“Hollywood Syd Ross! Where have you been? I like the sombrero.”
Syd said, “Jeffrey, this is Mark, he’s my personal assistant.” Jeffery turned to me and said
“I’m sorry.”
“You have a research assistant? What happened to your last assistant, did he get SARS?”
Syd exploded with laughter, drawing glares. Jeffrey continued. “Syd, how come you
Syd got serious quickly. “Those guys have lost it. They just don’t have it anymore.”
“That’s true,” Syd said. “Jeffrey when you get your own show, I have one request of you.
“Yeah, I’ll be your crazy man in the street or whatever. However you format the show, I
“Yeah, I know, but you’re so talented you’re bound to have your own show someday. Just
keep me in mind.”
We sat down and ordered breakfast, exchanging documents and doing business. We
finished and paid the bill, then Syd asked me if I wanted to go to shabbatt lunch at Levy’s house.
65
I said sure.
We got to Levy’s house where some other guests were arriving. Syd showed me the
traditional way to wash my hands before the meal. Then we sat down at the table with Levy’s
family and four or five non-family members. Syd was the first to speak, and he looked upset.
Levy looked at Syd with grave concern, the weight of the world on his shoulders.
“Israel?”
“Yes, you heard about the bomb this morning? They bombed the spiritual leader of the
A discussion began about Israel, which led to other topics, including communism and
socialism, the former Soviet Union, the new driver’s license law, and ended with Syd going on
about how the Jewish people are the smartest in the world, and the most successful, that’s why
they are hated. After the meal we read prayers from a Hebrew prayer book. It was about five and
I had spent the whole day with Syd. We made our exits, thanking them for the wonderful meal
and Syd drove me to the Farmer’s Market where I wanted to be left off. I couldn’t sit in the car
17
Since Syd was about to go to Florida to stay in his condo for ten days, I met him at
Starbucks to exchange some data. I was late, so he made me buy my own drink. I got an iced tea
and we sat down and he immediately started talking about a date he had the night before.
“Yeah, on Lexington. Oh man, she is hot. This girl is…she’ll blow your fucking mind.”
“She’s Hispanic?”
“Yeah, she’s little. A little Hispanic girl, she is beautiful. She is a firecracker. I finally
We sipped our drinks. He wouldn’t elaborate and I wanted details but didn’t want to ask.
He spoke.
“This book is gonna be amazing. First things first, I have some chapters to give to you.”
“I did a lot of writing last night, this will blow you away.”
“Okay, listen closely. These two kids, Don Henry and Kevin Ives, are you listening? This
is complex. They were found in dead on the train tracks in rural Arkansas, the medical examiner
said it was an accident, but there were knife wounds found in both of them, their bodies were put
67
on the train tacks so they would be ran over, okay? Now they were found at a spot where
Sharlene Wilson and Dan Harmon picked up drugs with Roger Clinton.”
“He was a prosecutor in Arkansas, he’s a piece of shit. Really corrupt. He was friends
with Bill Clinton. Okay, so Sharlene Wilson, she’s in jail now, she said she was picking up drugs
with Dan Harmon and these kids intercepted the drugs and Harmon’s henchmen killed the kids!
And Clinton tried to have the investigation eighty-sixed!! Are you following me?!”
“These people should fucking learn English. They’re probably illegal, they just got their
driver’s licenses. Every year I stay in this city I get more racist. Wait till you get to my age,
He gave me some more manila full of chapters and pronounced the meeting finished.
We walked down Hollywood. Syd told me that Kim was out of rehab and I’ll probably be
“She wants me to buy her a house. You know, I pay her bills and give her three thousand
I realized that she had probably been able to support her drug habit for so long solely
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because Syd had given her so much free money. I know he knew this but I couldn't figure out
I read in the paper that David Lynch was going to be speaking at USC, in their Bovard
Auditorium. I had liked his movies and was wondering if he would explain what they were
about. I heard that tickets were open to the general public so I took the bus down there. I walked
through the ivy-laced campus, past old brick buildings and huge lawns. When I finally found the
auditorium there was a line snaking around the whole building. College students had been
waiting all day for this. I went to the box office and saw the sign that said "Sold out" posted on
the window. Oh well. I wasn't that disappointed. I kind of expected that to happen. It was a last
I walked around the quiet campus, enjoying the scholarly safety of the academic world.
Everything felt so civilized here, not like life on the outside in my neighborhood. In Hollywood
there were no teachers, no professors, no one in charge and nothing to think about. It was just
chaos and people didn't even try to act civilized. But that was the way of the world I guess.
I looked around the school bookstore for awhile but didn't buy anything because the
prices were insanely high for everything. When the store closed at ten o'clock I wandered off
campus to get something to eat. I quickly realized I was in a very different neighborhood then the
one I lived in. It was incredibly poor only several blocks off of the campus. Not only were
Mexicans and blacks everywhere in this part of town, thousands of rich white college kids were
driving around in their Priuses and BMW's. I got some tacos at a crowded Mexican place full of
frat guys drinking pitchers of margaritas. The restaurant was loud and hospitable.
I realized I had to get a bus before they stopped running, so after I paid the bill I walked
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out to find my way to Western. I walked down 36th Street thinking I was only a few blocks from
Western. I had no idea how far I was, and soon I was in a neighborhood completely populated by
poor blacks and Mexicans. This was not a part of USC's neighborhood and these people had
nothing to do with that world. Cars drove by me slowly, blasting hip-hop as a group of guys
inside looked at me to see who was walking through their neighborhood. A helicopter circled
overhead. I took comfort in the fact, as Pauline had told me, that there is actually very little
random violence in LA. If you are in a gang chances are you will be shot walking down the
street. If you are not in a gang and have no gang affiliation there is hardly any reason for
After about a half hour walking through a neighborhood where I was not welcome I got
to Western. It was a grimy and desolate place full of hard-working, poor families and much
crime. Western was deserted and I wondered if it was too late for a bus. It was about half past
eleven o'clock as I sat at the bus stop. The desert night air was cold this time of year and anyone
with any sense was in a house or a car. A few blocks away a gun fired several times and tires
screeched. Several minutes later sirens wailed, getting closer. I reminded myself not to get into
An old black man rode down Western on a bicycle and stopped in front of me. What he
was doing riding his bike down the street at that hour I will never know, but maybe it was normal
"Don't see too many white people around here," he said in a deep voice of authority.
"Should be here in a few minutes. You're lucky, this is the last one on Western. You know,
this really isn't a very safe spot. This is 18th Street territory."
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"Who's that?"
"Just a gang. Some kids who think they're tough. Not the kind of place you should be at
this hour. You mind if I stay here until you get the bus? Make sure nothing happens."
He took a joint out of his pocket and started smoking it. He was a mellow guy, probably
in his fifties.
"Yeah man, my son was in 18th St. He got shot over on Adams, he was in the wrong
neighborhood."
"Yeah, he's in a wheelchair, the rest of his life. He needs medicine, shots and shit...that
stuff is expensive."
"What are you doing waitin' for a bus on Western in the middle of the night?"
"I was at USC for something, but I gotta go back to Hollywood to my apartment. I lost
track of time."
"No. I just went to see someone speak, but I didn't even get in. So the whole trip was
wasted."
"He's cool, man. I used to trip out on that show. That was a cool show."
He laughed. Just then the bus showed up. I almost didn't want to leave.
"Thanks," I said, and watched him get on his bike to ride off into the night. I got on the
bus and paid my fare, then sat down. There were two old Mexican ladies and an old Korean man,
and a sullen black kid with headphones on. You could hear the hip-hop blasting throughout the
whole bus. The driver was a huge black guy who must've weighed three hundred pounds. He
looked strangely alert for what time it was and how tired he should've been. The bus went up
Western and into Koreatown. The signs on the businesses changed from Spanish to Korean and I
18
Syd went to Florida, and never was I in more contact with him. He called at least three
times a day to rant. The first time he called he told me to look through Michael Isikoff’s book
and take notes, like little-known facts about the Clintons. That’s not too hard, but then he started
talking about making flow charts of facts that connect between all the books and weaving a vast
web of information, a mighty and irrefutable case against Clinton. “Kind of like the vast right-
wing conspiracy,” he said, laughing. “Write this down, this is good. Get a pen. Do you have
paper?”
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“Yeah.”
“Always have a pen and paper when you talk to me. Okay, write this: who funds the vast
right-wing conspiracy? Where are the headquarters? I want to know, really! How can I be a
member? Ha ha, you like that? How can I be a member? But seriously, these liberals are insane.
What conspiracy? There’s no conspiracy, if there is I want to be a part of it. Write this down:
“I mean it’s just ridiculous. Oh, I have something else for you to write down so I don’t
forget. Ready? I’m going to bring this up at City Council. It’s an idea, you’ll think I’m crazy but
this is brilliant. The city needs to rent fifty big Greyhound busses and drive around the city, one
bus for each state. And every time you see these bums sitting around, this human garbage on the
streets not working, urinating in the street and wasting space, defecating - every time you see
these people, you say ‘Where were you born?’ He says, ‘Salt Lake City,’ you put him on the Utah
bus! You drive around collecting all the Utah bums, you say ‘Do you have a job? No? Where
were you born? Salt Lake City? Okay, the bus is leaving at two!’ You give them all a free ride
and a meal, you send them all back where they came from.”
“Or here’s another option. You round up all the bums. You take them to a shelter at night,
a huge shelter, give them all the booze they want. Beer, wine, whiskey, all they can drink. Then
at eight in the morning you kick them all out and make them look for a job. If they haven’t found
a job in sixty days. You kick ‘em out of the shelter and send them back where they were born.
Get rid of them, I’m serious. I mean, whose city is it? Ours or theirs? I think I’m gonna run for
mayor on this platform. I know I can win ‘cause people are fed up with this homeless situation.
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“Oh my God, I had an emergency. A pipe burst in here, it was the clothes washer. Jesus,
there’s water everywhere. It got into the guy’s apartment beneath me, his place is all wet. The
water damage people came, it’s gonna take awhile to fix everything. I’m gonna have to stay here
He called the next day and gave me the address of Arnold Schwarzenegger’s campaign
headquarters and told me to get ready to take some notes because he has ideas for the campaign.
“Okay, number one: Richard Riordan supports Arnold, and Arnold should use Riordan.
Riordan should appear everywhere with him, on commercials, at events, everywhere! Do you
hear me?! Okay, number two: Arnold is the TERMINATOR. People love the Terminator, it’s his
persona. He should dress up as the Terminator, use all the phrases, ‘Hasta la Vista Baby,’ and
stuff. You writing this down? Okay, number three. Public appearances. Arnold should make more
public appearances. BASEBALL GAMES!!! He shows up at a Dodgers game with a Dodgers hat
on while everyone’s leaving, that’s forty or fifty thousand people, it’s brilliant. Okay, the last one.
This is great. Arnold IS the American dream. You like that? He’s the American Dream! He
should be in commercials with the stars and stripes, the statue of liberty, the national anthem
playing. He’s the American Dream, he came here with nothing and became a superstar. So what I
want you to do is write these ideas down and embellish them. You’re gonna write a letter to his
campaign headquarters. Tell them that you and I want to volunteer to help Arnold, but we both
have some suggestions for his campaign. Put your name and phone number along with mine. I
mean, whoever is running his campaign is doing a terrible job. And I think he should hire me as
his advisor, if he does he can win. But the way things are going, he’s running a terrible
campaign, he’s gonna lose. Okay, so write it down and send it today, can you do that?”
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“Sure, Syd.”
He gave me the address to copy down. We said goodbye and hung up and I seriously
considered quitting for the first time. But I couldn’t, at least then. I didn’t even have a car. What
19
Syd called to check in and give me some possible titles for our publishing company to see
how I liked them. “Random Apartments Publishing Co.” was the first, which he told me with
Then he told me he wants to maybe present the book as a democrat. Because people will
dismiss an anti-Clinton book if it’s written by a republican. “They’ll think I’m a fanatic,” he said.
I told him it could be done, it might be a good idea to take that angle. His next title was “New
Age Left Wing Press,” which I did not understand but I sealed my mouth. Then he told me he
was talking to his friend Chris Ruddy and Chris gave Syd some unproven gossip.
“Don’t tell anyone, but Kobe Bryant might be gay. And Gray Davis and Jerry Brown
too.”
I didn’t know what to say but I jotted it down anyway. We made plans for that Sunday
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after he got back. He needed me to help him clear a path in his apartment for his new
refrigerator.
That Sunday I was standing in his crowded apartment watching while he cleaned. It was a
one-bedroom place that was completely full of crap - tons of old porno videos, exercise
equipment, cabinets he could no longer reach, a piano, bookshelves, and piles of books about the
Clintons. I could not walk on the floor without stepping on things. I found a corner to stand in,
next to a bookshelf that was full of porno videos. “People used to send me those when I was on
Scooter and the Geech,” he said. So I stood and listened to him rant while he cleared a path to his
kitchen.
“I mean it’s ridiculous, you know I called Scooter this morning and I had to pretend to be
someone else” - with a Yiddish accent” - “Hi, this is Mahvin, I want to tawk to Scootah. You
know, it was funny, so I got on the air and I said, ‘Scooter, it’s me, don’t hang up.’ And you know
what he did? He called me a scumbag and hung up. A scumbag! What did I do? I went on Imus
months ago, and he’s still mad about it. You know what, I’m going to call Freddy, he needs to
“Who’s Freddy?”
“Hello, is Freddy there? It’s Hollywood Syd Ross. He’s not there? Okay, could you tell
him that Syd called. And tell him this: I know what Bill the Drunk is doing, I know he’s been
sabotaging me. I’ve been on the show for fifteen years and Bill the Drunk has RUINED. MY.
LIFE. Do you know who I am? I’m Hollywood Syd Ross, I was calling this morning with
something for Scooter, I was going to talk about Charles Grodin on the Pat Sajak show, this is
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something I do on the show, I have a sort of character. I held up signs on the street for fifteen
years, for free, I have not made a penny off of this show. I did it all for free because I love the
show, I can’t even get on the show now. And do you know what one of the interns told me? She
told me to call 1-800-SCOOTER. Quite frankly, I was insulted. Yes I was, I was hurt but that.
And you know what? You can’t stop me. No matter what Bill or Freddy or Scooter does, I am
“There is nothing you can do to stop me, I will only try harder! I am unstoppable! I am
“I mean, this is insane,” he went on. “I went on Imus in April, and here it is October
“Hello? This is Hollywood Syd Ross again. Furthermore, Scooter is mad at me because I
went on Imus in April. April! That’s what, five months ago? Just because I met Imus at the book
fair and went on his show to promote a book I’m writing on the Clintons. My assistant Mark is
here, we’re both working very hard on this book. And Scooter drove me to Imus! He wouldn’t let
me promote my book on the show. It’s not like I’m being paid. I do all this for free. Okay, you’ll
He hung up again. Then he paid me and I gave him some notes and books I had gotten
him. He asked me when I would like to go make calls for Arnold and I dodged the issue.
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20
“I should write another book about my life, you’re not going to believe this. So they
moved the fridge into my apartment, right? So last night I came home from Van Nuys, I was
working for Arnold. And I had to drive through this shitty traffic past illegal Mexicans and all I
wanted to do was have some pizza and a beer and watch a porno! So I get home and open my
new fridge and it was like a sauna in there! I mean it was hotter than a microwave. I got so mad,
Mark, all my food was ruined, I had to go to the store to buy ice at two in the morning like a…
like a Jew in 1912! Can you find a copy of the Lord’s Prayer on the internet for me?”
“Sure.”
“Because I need it for times like these. Life just isn’t fair, Mark, you know?”
“Yeah.”
“Not really.”
“You will. When you get older, believe me you will. And you’ll become a republican and
start going to church, because that’s the only way to deal with all this shit.”
I hoped I could find another way of dealing with life’s disappointments. I had no problem
with him turning to the republican party and organized religion for solace. But that just wasn’t
my style.
21
It was the day before the election. California was about to decide the fates of Gray Davis
and Arnold Schwarzenegger so I met Syd at Hollywood and Highland in the convertible. He was
wearing a loud, cherry red silk jacket and waving the American flag. I got in his car and there
were Arnold signs all over the place. “Grab a sign,” he commanded as we pulled up next to the
Chinese Theater and stopped. There were some cops standing around and about fifty Japanese
tourists. Syd honked repeatedly while we held up the signs to a sea of blank faces. The cops
“Hahaha, that was great!” he yelled. “I’m having the time of my life with this Arnold
thing. You know what, I could die tomorrow a happy man for all the fun I’m having.”
He reached into his jacket and whipped out a check. “You can cash this now. Here were
are, hold up the sign!” We had pulled up to the light at La Brea, turning left. We held up the signs
way above our heads as Syd glared at the cars. A cacophony of horns around us signaled their
approval and people coming towards us flipped us off and shouted “Go fuck yourself!” Syd
laughed loudly and pumped his hands in the air. We turned down La Brea and did the same at
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every light, where we were greeted with a mix of hatred and support. At one light Syd put a tape
in the stereo and hit play. It was Al Jolson singing “America the Beautiful” and Syd sand along
very loudly. I started wondering where he was taking me. Then we pulled up next to the
Orthodox Jewish temple. Syd said “Today is Yom Kippur, do you mind going to services? It’ll be
fun!”
“This is the holiest Jewish holiday of the year, and it’s very serious to these Orthodox
We walked into the building and out the back side, then up a dark staircase into a room
full of serious Orthodox Jews with huge beards and braids, complete with robes and hanging
tassels, dressed in all black and white. They were murmuring to each other and bowing back and
forth when we came in and everyone turned to us. “Rosenblatt,” they all said as they crowded
around him. I hadn’t known that was his real name. He was famous and they all called him
Rosenblatt over and over. Even though someone was leading a prayer in Hebrew half the group
surrounded Syd, all the kids asking questions. Syd made the rounds, saying hello to all the star-
struck Jews. We sat down at a crowded table and Syd whispered in my ear, “See how they’re
rocking back and forth, it’s called daavening.” Then I realized the whole group was engaged in
some sort of auction. The head rabbi was calling out numbers “Two eighty, do I hear two
eighty?”
whole place erupted with frenzied conversation as Syd stood up and shouted “For Arnold, the
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next governor!” to which he was greeted with a chorus of boos. A little old man stood up and
said, “He’s a pervert!” Syd shouted “Those women lied! It’s not proven!” There was another
outcry and Syd walked up to the center of the room where he was joined at a large podium with a
few other people who had presumably placed the highest bids. They all took turns reading a
prayer in Hebrew in a sing-songy chant. Afterwards Syd came back and said “That was an honor
to these Orthodox Jews. You get to read the prayer, it’s a symbol of status. It’s good publicity. I
did it to make an impression, so maybe some of these people will vote for Arnold tomorrow.”
Everyone was passing around a bag of Starbucks coffee grounds, inhaling deeply and
smiling.
“It’s for the fasting. It helps keep us awake,” someone said. Syd turned to me.
“I’m glad I did that, you know? I did that for my parents, may they rest in peace. I know
“I’m not afraid of death, Mark. You know why? Because I think we go on afterwards.
Don’t you?”
We left when Syd had had enough and the Jews had a long day of prayer and fasting
ahead of them. As we got in the convertible he said, “Can I drop you off at the Grove?”
I said sure, I would take the bus home. We drove over to Fairfax and he pulled over to drop me
off.
“But what is the point of life if there’s nothing after? Do you think about that?”
“Well, I don’t know. If this is all we get, everything’s a little more important.”
“You’re such a Bay Area liberal, I wonder what your parents think of me.”
“Okay, I’m going to Santa Monica to make phone calls, sure you don’t want to come?”
We parted.
When I got home Sam was sitting on the porch. We said hi.
"Hey dude," Sam said. "Me and Pauline are going to this open-mic thing tonight. Want to
come?"
"It's a lot of spoken word stuff," Pauline yelled from inside her apartment. "You know,
liberal coffee house stuff. War sucks, save the whales. It's a cool scene. Their chai tea is
amazing."
"You could go and read some of your stuff," Sam said. "Like that story you wrote."
Pauline drove us to the place, it was way over east in Silverlake in some strange hilly
neighborhood off of Sunset. The coffeeshop was tiny and full of bohemian types. We went in and
got our coffees. Pauline knew everyone in the place. I was coming to realize that she was a kind
of hippy mother to Sam and me. She had been through everything, lived in the city for at least
twenty years and was at peace. It was very comforting. The first performer was a small, intense
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looking woman with dark hair pulled back. She was definitely a Silverlake old-timer. She
"Hey, Mr. Bush. Yeah, you. George Bush. Can you hear me? I just want to ask you a few
questions. When you sleep at night, do you hear the screaming of the orphans of Baghdad? Can
you hear the crying of the mothers of Iraq? The ones who have lost their only sons? How about
the military wives? Can you hear their cries at night, because their husbands are gone away and
might never come back? What about the children growing up on military bases who don't know
what their fathers or mothers look like? Who might never get to know one of their parents
because of your war? Can you hear the war babies? Can you see them, out there in the dark,
crying for their fathers, crying for their mothers, the ones you snatched away from THEM?!?!?"
Her voice rose to a fever pitch. She stopped for a second took a deep breath, then
whispered "Thank you" into the microphone. The crowd applauded wildly. The rest of the
performances were similar in tone and content and the audience reaction was incredibly
"We should go back next week and you should perform some of the stuff you wrote,"
Sam said.
I had some ideas and I got to work right away when I got home.
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22
“The rabbi says hello. He likes you, he thinks you’re a good goy.”
I was strangely honored. “He wanted to invite you to Sukkah today, do you want to go?”
“Thanks for the invitation, but I’m going to see Kill Bill today.”
“Oh alright, that’s okay, I’ll give him your regards. Sukkah’s great, we all stand around
and sing. It’s like the Christmas carols you Christians do. You’d love it. You could convert if you
He told me to keep up the good work and hung up. Later he called again.
“Mark, it’s official. I’m running for mayor in the next election. April of 2005. And guess
who’s gonna be my campaign manager? You. You’ll have fifteen people working under you - one
for each district of LA. Do you know how big LA is? It’s huge, it goes from Pacoima all the way
down to San Pedro. I’m warning you now, you’ll go crazy. It’ll be fun though, we’re gonna have
a blast.”
“Tell you the truth, Mark, I’m doing this because I’m done with Scooter and the Geech. I
need to stay relevant. I don’t want to be one of those guys that everyone says, ‘Whatever
He said he was going downtown to fill out the papers the next day, and he’d be the first to
“So I called Scooter’s agent and you know what? You know what I said? I told him I’m
through with the show, he and the Geech and Bill the Drunk and Freddy and all those assholes
can go fuck themselves. Mark, I will tell you something - in this world people will shit on you. I
know you’re young, but it’ll happen. They will shit all over your fucking face. And you know
what!? They’ll keep doing it unless you stand up for yourself. And this is me standing up for
myself. I’m through with Scooter, I’m through with the Geech, that asshole who was never nice
to me. See if you can get me some radio gigs, tell people that I’m on my own now. You know
Mark, in life you need two things - respect and religion. And things don’t always work out. I
wanted Scooter and the Geech to hire me as a regular, I wanted them to respect me, but they shit
on me instead. So I have God, because otherwise there’s no point to any of this. And we’re
“Yeah.”
“Oh yeah, those goddamn Unions. I can pick you up at Hollywood and Western. Is eleven
okay?”
“You know, these strikes are fucking ridiculous. These people who scan groceries for a
living are demanding health benefits. It’s not Ralphs’ responsibility to pay every time they get
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the flu. Pay for your own health care! That’s what I do. And it’s the same with the busses. The
sad part is that it’s the poorest people who don’t have a ride to work now. They’re losing out
I couldn’t say I entirely disagreed with him. We drove down to Melrose through streets
full of Central Americans. The sun was out and a breeze was blowing and it was beautiful even
in the dirty part of town, even sitting next to such an angry, desperate man.
“Why, Syd?”
“Because that’s when all the celebrities come out - during the day.”
Suddenly Syd saw someone on the street and shouted “Ruben! Ruben you’re great! Ruben I love
you!” I looked and saw an enormous black man surrounded by a posse. Ruben looked over and
waved.
“Who’s that?”
“No.” I thought the show was idiotic but apparently Syd was a huge fan.
At some point we ended up on Larchmont, where we parked and got bagels. He paid me
and I gave him some stuff, then we left. Driving down Third Street Levy the Rabbi pulled up
next to us and shouted something in Hebrew. Syd laughed maniacally and shouted something
“It’s the sukkot, everybody’s celebrating. There’s nine days, today’s the day when they
carry fruits.”
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“I have to give Michelle a book,” he said, taking a copy of his autobiography out of his
bag. It was singed on the front To Michelle, best wishes, Hollywood Syd Ross.
We approached Lulu’s and Michelle, the hostess, waved at Larry. She was attractive but
not my type.
“Michelle, when your boyfriend cheats on you, call my assistant Mark. Tell her how old
“Nineteen.”
She nodded, not knowing what to say. Syd saw there was nothing else to do so we left.
Pretty soon we were in the wealthiest section of Hancock Park, surrounded by old mansions and
beautifully landscaped front lawns. As we drove down the shining streets lined with Palm trees,
looking up at massive towering mansions. Syd said, “I’ll never live in one of these houses
because I’m not rich enough. But that doesn’t stop me from looking at them!”
He laughed.
“I feel sorry for these people, they work so hard to afford to live here, they never even see
their houses. I get to drive around goofing off every day. Who cares that I live in a shitty one
bedroom apartment? You know what? When I’m out on the street talking to people, they don’t
know where I live. I could live in Beverly Hills for all they know. Sometimes I tell people I have
a mansion in the hills. It doesn’t matter what the truth is. The image is more important than
anything.”
We drove around for awhile. He showed me where Nat King Cole used to live and then
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I had been preparing something to perform at the coffeeshop all week, so when next
Tuesday rolled around Pauline and Sam and I drove over to the place. It was even more packed. I
signed up for the 8:30 time slot and we sat and waited. The performances were along the same
lines, just a bunch of poetry and anti-war diatribes. I was getting tired of the same schtick. Sure, I
was against the war, but it's not healthy to carry around all that bitterness. Eventually my time
slot came up. I was nervous because memorizing lines had always been hard for me and I didn't
want to forget anything. But I had practiced a lot because work had been light that week.
"Okay, next up we have Mark, he's going to do a monologue for us. Put your hands
together," said the emcee, a white guy with huge dread locks.
"This is called After Jed Left," I said. I took a moment to gather myself together. Then I
"Oh yeah, I've seen 'em. I've seen 'em at night. Just barely, by the moonlight. Way off in
the distance. Standing upright. Must be ten feet tall, you'd swear it was a monkey, except it's
huge. Last one I saw was around fourth of July. Course that was back when Jed was still here.
But anyhow, I came out here, it was about midnight by the clock's hand. And I was drinking some
of that homemade moonshine, I know what you're saying, I was drunk, but I know I seen it. It
was down there, by the creek. All hunched over and having himself a drink. And then he stood up
and faced me. He had these huge red eyes, they were staring right at me, and I swear he saw me.
I pissed my pants. Right there I pissed my pants. I'm not ashamed to admit that.
Another time I seen one of 'em was when I took Jericho, that's my dog, I had to take him
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to the vet. I don’t have no car or nothing to carry him in, so I had to carry him on my back. He
had a real bad cold and I was worried about him. This was before Jed got here, you know.
Anyhow, I was carrying Jericho down the canyon towards the town. We were walking
down the trail by Bill Johnson's place, and that's when I saw it. It was on the trail about fifty feet
away from me. It was just walking with its back to me. I know what you're saying, he was
delirious walking in the sun, but I swear I seen'd it. He turned right around to stare at me, and I
just froze right in my tracks. We looked each other in the eyes, and I think we had a kind of a
Another time, right after Jed left, I was taking a nap out on the hill on that patch of grass
back there. I was buck naked, had the house to myself, I figured I'd get some shut-eye. And
suddenly I hear this sound like leaves crunching. And I woke the hell up, because the second you
think you got company on your property you get real alert. And I look over through the patch of
brambles up the hill, and what do I see but a damn family of 'em. A mama, a dad and a little kid.
It was so cute, I swear. And they were looking at me, all curious like I was a damn animal in a
zoo. And I wasn't ashamed of my body for some reason. I mean, they were naked too. Before I
Of course, that happened after Jed left. Now don't get me talking about Jed. I'm not
gonna open that can of worms, no sir. Not this late at night. I'll tell you all you want to know
about Sasquatches. But what happened with Jed is just too much for my heart to handle right
now."
"Thank you."
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There was some scattered applause and some light laughter. I went back to my seat.
"Good job, dude," said Sam. Pauline gave me a pat on the back.
23
I had plans to go up north to see my family for my birthday, so Syd called before I left.
“I want you to think of something as you go to visit your parents. While you’re driving
up through wine country I want you to think about ethics, and what kind of ethics a president
should have. A man who is the guardian of the free world, the most powerful man in the best
I wondered if he ever doubted Bush’s ethics, or if he just followed him blindly. It was
one of the things I could never reconcile about him. How could he not question Bush the way he
did of Clinton? Things were surely not as black and white as he insisted they were. It was
comforting to think that good and evil were clearly defined, I supposed. That was how Syd’s
mind worked. He allocated the status of evil to Clinton and good to George Bush, and that was
where it stopped.
When I returned with a brand new Hyundai my parents got me for my birthday, that
meant my whole life in Los Angeles was different. I guess they were proud that I had held down
a steady job for as long as I had. The day after I got back Syd wanted to meet in my
neighborhood at the Starbucks. I walked in and saw him talking to the barista about Clinton. He
turned to me.
“Mark, let’s go to Ralphs.” The Ralphs workers were still striking. We walked across the
parking lot, Syd saying, “These people should just go back to work, pay their own health care.
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No one pays my health care.” We got up to the workers and one Hispanic lady said “Please
“This is America, okay? It’s not North Korea, it’s not Cuba, it’s not China. Why don’t
you and your communist friends go to one of those countries and get your health care? Come on
We went in the Ralphs, where Syd effusively praised the workers and management. He
“This guy named Chris called me and pretended to be Bill the Drunk, you know, but I
knew it was a prank. He kept calling me Keith - ‘You suck Keith, you’re not funny Keith’- and I
talked to him for awhile, so they played it later on the show. Scooter thought it was funny.”
Just then the manager, who was talking on the phone with someone, motioned to Syd. He
“Hello? Yes, this is Hollywood Syd Ross. Thank you very much…well, I’ll tell you why
I’m not on Scooter and the Geech anymore - they’re past their prime. The show is going off the
air soon, it’s run out of steam. No, it’s not funny anymore. He’s mad about Imus still. I know, it’s
ridiculous.” The manager wanted the phone back. Syd gave it back grudgingly.
“Yeah, what did I tell you? He just walked into the store. That’s LA for you.”
“I’ve given up on Scooter and the Geech. I’ve completely given up on those guys. Do me
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a favor, see if you can find an article for me - my friend told me I was mentioned in an article in
Time magazine, the article was about Will Ferrell. I think my friend’s probably lying. He told me
I told him I’d try and hung up. I went to make some coffee, read the paper and forgot
about the article. I was eating some scrambled eggs and turkey bacon with Sam when Syd called
again.
He was ecstatic. Apparently Will Ferrell was being interviewed at some place on Melrose
when Syd walked in and asked, “Is there anyone famous here?” Ironically, while Syd annoyed
everyone else at the café he didn’t notice Will Ferrell. Instead he raved and ranted about Iraq and
Mike Tyson and left without noticing the one famous guy. He ended up in the article though.
“This is the biggest thing that’s ever happened to me, Mark. Time Magazine! This
reaches hundreds, thousands, millions of people. This is bigger than Scooter and the Geech! See
if you can find out who Will Ferrell’s agent is, maybe he’ll put me in a movie. I’m gonna have
copies made of this article, we’ll put it in a press kit and send it to everyone! I want to be famous
so fucking bad man, you don’t even understand. I want it more than anything! Oh, hold on, I
24
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One night, Syd called around six. His Brooklyn accent was gruff and urgent. "Mark, you
have to come to Kinko's. It's the one on Sunset, do you have time?"
"Yeah, I guess."
"Because there's a woman here, she is gorgeous. She's from Australia, can you come?"
"Well...sure."
"I'm too old for her. You could date her though. She needs help with her resume. So can
you come?"
"Yeah, okay."
"The one on Sunset, west- no wait- east of Fairfax.excuse me- Derrick! What's the cross
street? The cross street here! It's Curson- the only Kinko's on Sunset, come quick. Okay? Come
"Yeah."
"Curson."
"Okay."
I hung up and went to my car, wondering why I had a lunatic for a boss. I got in the
Hyundai and started driving west. I cut over to Sunset and forgot the street I was supposed to be
looking for. Eventually I got to Crescent Heights and realized I had gone way too far. It took ten
minutes just to turn left to go down to Santa Monica, where I figured I would double back and
find it. But Santa Monica was a parking lot full of morons going home from work. So I sat in
traffic. I thought about telling Syd to not to call me after six, but I realized he would do it
anyway. Why was he so needy? He just couldn’t do whatever he needed to do alone. He had to
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After twenty minutes of frustration traffic started moving. Finally I got to Curson and
remembered to turn left. Then there was the mystery of how Syd had enough money to pay me a
living wage in the first place. I got up the hill to the Kinko's but I couldn't tell if there was
parking for customers or not so I had to find street parking way up the hill. Finally I got to the
goddamn Kinko's and I could see Hollywood Syd Ross through the window.
There he was. All fifty-three years of him. He was wearing tiny yellow running shorts
and a t-shirt that said "Arnold for Governor." He was pacing frantically, his hunched frame and
"Mark! Where were you, what took you so long? Come here, look at this!" He showed
me a young bottle blonde with bright lipstick, a pink tank-top and tight ass-hugging pre-faded
"Yes," I lied.
She was totally frustrated, trying to print some document on a Mac. Syd tried to calm her.
"I brought my assistant, Sofia. Mark will help you. HELP HER! HELP HER!" He pushed
me towards the computer. She got out of the way and I looked at the computer. She was trying to
print something off a CD ROM and had obviously never used complicated machinery before. I
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"This was due three hours ago," Sofia wailed. "I'm going to freak out!" She put her head
in her hands. "Fix it! Can you fix it?" Syd shouted. "Calm down, Sofia! Calm down Sofia! It'll be
I was dealing with a pair of monkeys. They must have been here for 45 minutes, why
Just then her credit card popped out of the machine and her time was up. The computer screen
FUCKING COMPLICATED THIS IS!" Heads began to turn towards us as Syd frantically tried
"You can use mine!" Syd ripped out his card and shoved it into the machine. Nothing
happened.
"Someone help this woman," he chastised the staff which was several black guys. Finally
"Yeah."
"I know."
"Uh-huh."
"Yeah, totally." I noticed a copy of the Time article under his arm.
"Yes! Because I'm in Time magaziiiiiiine" he sang, dancing around while "Lucille"
played over the stereo. Customers looked over with blank faces, trying not to react. Syd looked
"Derrick, you need a tip." Syd pulled out a five dollar bill and handed it to Derrick.
"Take it, take it, take it, just take it, I tell you what, I tell you what: America is a racist
country and guys like you work hard. You know? It's hard enough to be black in America and I'll
bet I'm the first guy who tipped you all day."
"Take the tip Derrick, that's for you. Just tell 'em it came from HOLLYWOOD SYD
ROSS!" he bellowed, then began to dance again, waving the article in the air. "I'm in Time
magaziiiiine, I'm in Time magaziiiiiiine." The he went over to Sofia, still in a state of
aggravation, and said "Jesus Christ, Sofia! You DON'T KNOW how gorgeous you are. Can I
"No."
"No."
"Here. I'll give you my card." He gave her a card, then pulled me aside.
"See Mark, she probably won't go out with me. But it's worth a try. You know? That's
what I'm trying to teach you. Everything is worth a shot. Even if you get discouraged. Don't
EVER give up. In life. Just don't give up. For your acting career, too. Same advice. It applies to
"Yeah."
"Sure."
"Uh-huh."
"No."
"I'll buy you a burger. I have to get home in time for Britney Spears on Dateline. You like
Britney Spears?"
Oh my God.
"Sure, Syd."
As we left Syd said goodbye to Sofia, who didn't respond. As we walked, Syd had to jog
"This Time article is great. Do you know how many people read this magazine? I mean,
this is the biggest thing that has ever happened to me. It's a mitzvah. I want to be famous so
"Sofia probably won't call me. What a schaunder. Oh well. See if you can get the number
to Rolling Stone Magazine, maybe I can get an interview. And Spin Magazine, the E! Cable
Network, the Daily Show with Jon Stewart. Call them and tell them about the article. I can do
segments on the Daily Show. I can do anything! Tell them that. Tell them, tell them- remember
this- 'When you fly air Hollywood, you fly first class.' It'll be a catch phrase. Hahaha, that's good.
"We can do this, Mark. I'll take you straight to the top."
We drove to the In N Out on Sunset and parked. Inside there was a huge group of USC
kids in Trojan Marching Band jackets milling around waiting for burgers. Immediately Syd
whipped out a copy of the article and waved it around, announcing "Hollywood Syd Ross here!!
I'm in Time magaziiiiiiine!" The marching band kids all looked over at Syd, laughing. Relishing
the attention, Syd announced, "My assistant Mark! We love the Trojans!"
I went over to order our burgers. Waiting in line, I looked over and saw Syd surrounded by a
Mexican family. He was handing out copies of the article, speaking fluent Spanish.
All I could make out was "No soy Latino, pero hablo Espanol. Tengo amor para la gente
hispanica." Pretty soon the marching band members, Mexican families, skate-boarders from
Hollywood High, hoboes, and guys from some punk band were surrounding Syd and reading
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After the burgers we started driving towards his place. As we drove he pointed out
Hollywood landmarks.
"Marilyn Monroe used to live on this block. And there used to be a studio in this parking
lot. It's called the phantom studio, nobody knows about it. They tore it down to build a parking
lot. Can you believe that? See, a lot of these bungalow apartments were built in the twenties by
the studios for their stars. They came from New York. Classic Hollywood bungalows. See that
Chinese restaurant Wok of Fame? Over there. No, over there. Phil Spector's record label used to
be there. You know what, Mark? I could never leave Hollywood. I love this place. There's magic
I got him back to his apartment just in time for Britney Spears. He gave me my payment
for the week and hurried inside. On the drive home it started to rain. It was dark and the houses
dotting the hills glowed like stars. The streets were slick and wet. And as I drove past the
phantom studio I thought I understood what Syd was saying about Hollywood.
25
I was trying to get comedy gigs lined up for Syd so I was emailing bookers at clubs all
across the land. Finally a guy named Sam from Broadway Joe’s Bar in Buffalo New York wrote
me back and asked for a price. I called Syd to talk about a price.
“Tell him that I need to know two things: available dates and how long I’m supposed to
perform. Cause those could affect the price. You know, I’m pretty sure I’ll get back on Scooter
and the Geech. And I’m in no position to get mad if they don’t want me on. I have no leverage.
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You know, Scooter and the Geech have all this power and I have none. So I have to play the
game, like every other poor motherfucker out there. When I go to a club and wait in line I might
not even get in. But Scooter, the Geech, even Bill the Drunk can walk right in. Because they
have the POWER - see, that’s what it’s all about. See, show business is like a pack of wolves.
The most savage, cutthroat ones are the leaders. And you better believe Letterman and Carson
hate each other. Or Leno, Conan or whoever. They all want the best ratings. They will do
anything for ratings. They’re like fucking animals, like lions fighting over a dead zebra. And I
want to have power over them. I want to walk into a club and everyone notices me. And I get a
seat at the front. I won’t stop until I get it, see? Nothing can stop me!!”
I hung up and walked onto the porch. Sam was out there drinking a Tecate.
"Want one?"
"Sure."
“No.”
“WHAT?”
“No, I just got my car right now. I don’t even know what I’d do with headshots.”
“You use them to get an agent dude. Here, I’ll take your pictures. I’ll make you a deal. A
roll of pictures for thirty bucks. Because I’m still trying to get my business off the ground.”
He had told me he was bit of an amateur photographer and I'd seen some pretty good
“Okay.”
“Why don’t we do them now? I have the film and everything. Let’s do it while we still
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expression.
“Just look like you naturally look when you come in a room,” he said as he snapped
“No. You can if you want to, but don’t make it fake and shit. I hate it when actors do
that.”
So he took the pictures and a few days later he got them developed. I looked through and
“Now you gotta go to a place and have them make like a hundred copies. I’ll tell you a
So I went and did it, and got my copies. He was looking at them.
“Pretty good. Those will get some attention. Now you have to go to this place Actor’s
Online, they'll set you up with an account and you submit yourself for auditions.”
“Ohhhh….”
“Since you have a car now, you can go to auditions. That’s what actors do.”
I went and signed up for the Actor's Online so I could submit myself to auditions on the
internet. It was a pretty good deal, just ten dollars a month. For a couple of weeks I was
submitting myself for crappy spec commercials and non-paying student film projects. Then one
day I was outside with Pauline and Sam. We were barbecuing a rack of lamb and Pauline was
telling us about a meditation retreat she just got back from, way out in Palm Desert. Suddenly I
got a call from a strange area code on my cell phone. I picked up the phone.
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“Mark?”
“Yes?”
“This is Rachel Goldstein, from Goldstein Talent. I saw your profile in Actor’s Online, I
would like to represent you. You need to email me your address and your social security number,
I will send you an agreement that says I will represent you and you agree to pay consulting fees
if and when you get a job. Does that sound good to you?”
“Alright!”
26
Not long after that I got my first call for an audition. It was for a UPS commercial, a
thirty second spot. I didn’t tell Syd about my agent or anything. I didn’t want to know what his
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When I got there the casting place was up some stairs in a huge building with about ten
separate casting rooms. I found the one that said “UPS” and signed in. I looked around. There
was one corner of the room full of little girls in Ballerina outfits. In the middle of the room was a
cluster of girls in bikinis. They were all blonde, rail-thin, and chatting on their cell phones. Some
of them were actually attractive. In another corner were a bunch of middle-aged Asian guys in
business suits. Waiting for an audition seemed like waiting in a freaky dental office. The
audition, I would learn, was always as painful as the dentist, sometimes more.
In my corner of the room there were a few other guys like me, tall and skinny. They were
all atrocious dorks, with pock-marked faces and horrible hair. These young men, like me, did not
have girlfriends and had not had one in a long time. They were all, I knew, desperate for success
and probably lonely. Their parents had sent them money and they were working at terrible,
demeaning jobs. They probably could barely afford their rent. They sat alone and I went to the
middle of the room so I wouldn’t have to look at them. On every face I saw Hollywood Syd
Ross, and when I looked around the room I saw his hunger on every ballerina girl and every
After a long wait an attractive blonde girl came out of the audition room.
“Okay.”
“Follow me.”
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I was nervous and tired, and bleary-eyed from lack of sleep. I got in the room. It was
small and well-lit. Several casting guys sat on a sofa on the opposite end of the room. One of
them, a short, impatient one in his forties, talked from his seat. The lights were bright on me and
I looked at the ground and stood on the tape facing the camera.
“Okay, this scene takes place in a pool so we’re gonna need to see you with your shirt
off.”
“Okay.”
“Alright, and you’re drowning, so we’re gonna need to see a lot of energy here. This is
NOT comedy. It is NOT supposed to be funny. Everyone has been too over the top today. Don’t
“Alright.”
“Uh…”
I flailed my arms and tried to look like I was drowning. I knew it looked stupid, I just
“Okay” he stopped me. “You’re going to have to tone it down about ten notches.”
“Oh, sorry.”
“Keep it in here,” he said, motioning to his brain. “Act between the ears. We will see it.
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I did the whole thing again, trying to remember things from my high school acting class.
The other guys on the couch whispered into each other’s ears. All three of them
“Okay.”
I put my shirt on and left. I knew I had done a shitty job, but I had no idea what they were
trying to get me to do. The room was still full of bizarro characters talking loudly on their cell
Back at my car I just sat there. I thought about telling my agency to stop sending me on
these things. It was so stupid, but I wanted so badly to book one of these auditions. I didn’t know
what to do, I was so frustrated. I looked out at the street for some reason, just as a little puppy ran
out into the road. Suddenly a garbage truck roared past and crushed it with a disgusting crunch.
“Oh my GOD!” I said to no one. I got out of my car and went over to it. The poor thing’s
head had been flattened and its blood was making a circle of crimson in the road. I looked
around to see if any owners were around. There was no one on the street. I hadn’t seen what
house it came from. I couldn’t see a tag or a collar. The dog was a complete bloody mess and it
was making me nauseous, so I just went back to my car. There was nothing more to be done, I
just wanted to leave. The city was cruel, like Syd said.
I drove around for awhile and ended up at the beach, at this little part of Santa Monica
that’s never very crowded and pretty nice. I parked and walked out to the sand. It was a gorgeous
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day. Boats were cruising languidly out in the bay. A few families sat on the beach and played
with beach balls. It looked like a Monet painting. It was very warm and slightly breezy, one of
those days that could remind you of Italy, or Greece, or Mexico, or maybe the Caribbean. But it
was somehow all of those places combined. You couldn’t get this grand vista anywhere else. I sat
Syd was wrong. It wasn’t a cruel city. No, the city had its own justice. It was just hard to
be on the losing side of it. I would not get a callback. I already knew that. I had given a poor
audition, because I was nervous and had no confidence. They could see it all over me. No one
wants to cast that guy. That dog, well, he shouldn’t have run out into the road. The city was
harsh, yes, but usually fair. Syd had been kicked off Scooter and the Geech because he was
probably annoying and not very funny. The show had to get ratings and change the cast of
All around me things were in motion. The tide was coming in, the flux of traffic was
evolving and changing and moving around me. People were going and coming and growing and
striving, endlessly. The city had a place for me, it just wanted to knock me around for awhile. It
demanded endless patience and much hard work. These were not bad qualities. I had to learn
Pauline was going back to the coffeeshop and she asked me and Sam if we wanted to go
with her. I had a thing I wanted to perform and Pauline promised she would buy Sam a drink, so
we both went over there. For some reason that night there were a lot of emotional girls with
guitars singing songs about guys who dumped them. When it got to be my turn I got up and
began.
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It all started when father got the Francis the piggy. He said it was gonna be for bacon
someday, but I guess I didn't believe him. Out at the farm there's nobody around to play with,
see, and a boy gets awful lonesome. The school was way on the other side of the mountains, too
far for me to go every morning, cause we didn't have cars only tractors. So I was home-
schooled. There was no kids or families around, just goats, cows, birds, squirrels, deer, coyotes,
bears, antelope, wildcats, bobcats, vultures, dogs, tractors…and Francis. I asked Father to build
me a swing at least so I could swing and enjoy the nice country air. Father said swings are for
girls with little Barbie dolls. I asked him can I at least have some Barbie dolls to play with, he
Father rolled his own cigars and grew the tobacco out in the back. Every week he went
way into town with tobacco and milks and meats from the cows. He always stayed for a couple
days and came back with the moneys and groceries for us.
When he was gone me and ma didn't talk much. Ain't nothing to say, I guess. We sat and
watch the fields, made sure there's no squatters on our land, took care of the crops and fed the
livestock. We ate some cheese sandwiches for lunch and had my lessons for the day. But one
night I heard a squealin' inside the barn, it musta been Francis the new pig. He sounded like he
was staring death right in the face, I ran out to see what was wrong. Lo and behold he was
surrounded by three of our goats, they were scaring and making intimidations towards Francis.
"Goats begone! You heard me, scat! Each and every one of you I said!"
And the goats ran away into the dark. It was me and Francis. It was cold in the barn. And I
turned around, I was about to leave when I heard "Oink" in such a pathetic tone I looked
around. Francis was staring at me with his big piglet eyes wagging his little tail and I just
couldn't leave him out in the barn all alone. What if the goats came back? So I scooped him up
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and took him back into my room. He slept in my bed underneath the covers and didn't make a
peep. I could tell he was a sad and lonesome pig. If only we had some more pigs for him to play
The next day me and Francis took a walk all around the farm, I chased him and threw
sticks for him to catch. We found a whole bunch of trails together and scouted out the land. We
"Officer Francis we must explore this strange new region with caution. Hark! What's that
I see up ahead? A strange being. We must investigate. It looks like a Martian but I can't be sure."
And then I'd chase him all around until I caught him and we'd have a wrestling match. I
"Oh Francis the Pig, you pinned me once again. I forfeit the championship to you, I have
Sometimes we went fishing at the lake down by the old mill where families come on
"Oink."
"I know I'd be a saltwater fish. They have all the fun. Say Francis, what do you think
"Oink."
"Yeah."
"Oink."
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"I know."
"Oink."
"I know. I definitely think there's aliens in outer space. I'm pretty sure I've seen one too.
Once when I was walking through the woods I seen this big green monster with tentacles hiding
up in the trees with eyes all over its body staring at me."
"Oink."
"I know, it was crazy. I wasn't scared though. I'm not afraid of anything."
"Oink."
So me and Francis were starting to get along pretty well. We were like buddies, the only
one I've ever had. He slept in my bed and mom and father didn't even care. I fed him and took
care of him. Suddenly life was pretty good on the farm. Francis told me all about life as a pig
And one day father came home from town with a big fat rolly-polly man. He was real
short and had a big cigar in his mouth. He was wearing the finest nicest clothing, a fine white
shirt and a big jacket that looked like it musta been made from cowshide, he had big gold
"Now family, this here is Mr. Frankelson, he is a raiser and breeder of the farm animals,
and he is indeed here to buy Francis the pig from us. He will be breeding Francis with a female
I said nothing. Father and Mr. Frankelson went out to the farm and looked at Francis for
a great deal of time. Then Mr. Frankelson came walking out, leading Francis on a leash to his
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big truck. He drove off with Francis the pig, he drove far far away. And father came back into
"Wooo-hooo! How about this? We're rich now, we're rich now, we're rich!" And he was
I went in my room and closed the door. I heard father and ma making celebrations all
night, drinking wine and talking about our new fortune. And later that night when they were both
asleep I went and grabbed some matches from the fire place and went out into the barn. It was
cold and I lit just one match and threw it into a big bale of hay. Oh my God, it lit up fast! I ran
out of there and sat on the porch. Pretty soon the whole barn was on fire and there was a huge
red glow like Judgment Day had come at last! Suddenly father threw open the door and ran onto
the porch.
"Oh my God! The barn is on fire! Oh Looooord in heaven! Boy, did you start this fire?"
"Yes."
And we sat and watched the barn burn down and the animals run out of it, into the
woods. There warn't nothing we could do. It was too late to save the barn. Then the crops started
to burn. It was all going up in flames. The farm was a goner. Father just shook his head.
The fire burned all night and never touched the house. Eventually the fire trucks made it
out there and doused the flames. Father went into his room and didn't come out for a couple
days, broodin' and tormented-like. And a couple days later he sat us down in the living room.
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"I have been thinkin'. I see now that we have no farm left because of the terrible inferno.
Father never talked about the fire again, I guess I was forgiven. And we sold the house to
some newlyweds. Then we loaded up the truck with all our belongings and moved on. All of us
together, we went to look for someplace new. Father heard there was some land out in the west,
By the time I was finished all the girls who were there had already sung their songs and
their friends had left. There were a few regulars sitting around though, probably just some
neighborhood people. Sam and Pauline hooted and clapped and I took a big bow. I got a chai tea,
which was actually delicious, and watched an old lady read a poem she had written about her
dog. There were a few more performers after that, a guy with a guitar who played a Harry
27
Syd called one day around noon. He had just gotten back from the Inauguration of Arnold
“It was amazing. Fantastic. I must’ve gotten fifty business cards. Rob Lowe was there, I
talked to him. Bill Simon was there, I gave him a copy of the article. Who knows, one of these
people could call me back, there were some important people. I have a question for you - do you
have any friends who have some extra room in their apartments? ‘Cause a friend of mine needs a
place to stay. He was the lead guitarist in Gods of Thunder. Have you heard of them? They’re a
metal band from the eighties. Between you and me, don’t tell anyone else - he had a bad heroin
problem. He lost his house, his wife, he’s trying to get back on his feet. He has a job! He’s not a
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“Like a couch?”
“Yeah, just a couch. I mean, he has a job. He’s a telemarketer. He’ll pay for groceries. He
can give guitar lessons. He’s thirty-nine, you know, he’s just a kid. To me he’s a kid. To you he’s
“Because I feel bad, I want to help this guy. He was going to live with Kim, but she
called this morning and said she couldn’t do it. I don’t know why. I would have him live over
“Do you want to meet on Larchmont? I can pay you for last week.”
“Okay.”
“Yeah.”
“At two?”
“Okay.”
“Make it three.”
“Three it is.”
“No…two.”
“Okay.”
I met him at two and found him on the street. He was in front of the Greek place shouting
about Arnold Schwarzenegger and holding up a sign. When I got near him he announced, “My
assistant, Mark, everyone!” A few diners looked up from their souvlaki. Syd made contact with a
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"I could make wallpaper out of your cards," the guy said.
We went to Noah's, on the way there Syd held up a sign that said "I just got back from
Arnolds' Inauguration and I had a great time." We stopped in front of the Coffee Bean where a
"I support Arnold yes I doooo," he sang to the tune of Sounds of Silence- "I support him
very muuuuch."
Some guy with a dog said, "Hey Hollywood, I'll pay you five hundred bucks to hand out
"Yeah."
The guy whipped out two hundred dead presidents and slapped those suckers down on
the table. There was a tense pause, all the patrons staring at us.
As we walked down the street the guy said, "Think about it Syd! I'll be here!!"
"Go fuck yourself," Syd mumbled. He was clearly troubled. "Dean...he was just fucking
with me. There's so many assholes in this town, Mark. You have to fight back."
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The next day he called about a Phil Ochs song. "I just got the sheet music, it's called the
Draft-dodger Rag. I love this old hippy music. See Mark, there's some parts of the liberal ideals I
really agree with. I also got a book of Dylan tunes. I love Dylan, especially the political stuff.
Come you masters of warrrr," he sang. "I love that sixties idealism. You have to hear this Phil
"Sure."
He put the phone down and I expected to hear Phil Ochs through the speakers. But the
piano chords surprised me, and the Syd's voice, loud and clear - "I'm not marching anymoooore,"
he crooned mournfully in his raspy tenor. The song had such a defeatist tone. I knew it was
written about Vietnam, but I knew Syd was singing about something else. He had given up on
something, knew he couldn't get it back, and missed it terribly. You could hear it in his voice. He
"Okay, there's another thing - I have an assignment for you. Oh hold on, I have call
waiting."
"Jesus, Kim skipped her probation. She's in trouble, her water is getting turned off. I have
"Mark, I just saw something that made me sick. SICK! Do you hear me?"
"I'm in Hollywood at the water and power company. Right before I came here I saw a
sign for - get this - 'Mexican insurance,' whatever the fuck that is. And I met this Vietnam vet. He
has cirrhosis of the liver and he needed help, right? So he went to a free clinic to get medication
but you know what? He couldn't even see a doctor because the place was all backed up with
illegal immigrants! Do you know how FUCKED UP that is????? I don't care what your
generation thinks about Vietnam, Mark. These men are veterans and we cannot leave them out to
dry. And chances are if you see a homeless man on the street he was in Vietnam. I'm on line now,
I hung up and took my day-old laundry out of the dryer. I folded it and put it back in my
"Mark! I'm at Jack in the Box! I'm afraid for my life, Mark! This place is full of
gangbangers. Oy vey! Hollywood used to be full of nice, decent people. Now it's gangs and
illegal immigrants that will rob you blind and leave you dead. Thank God Arnold
Schwarzenegger is the Governor and Bush is President. The liberals want to open the borders
and let everyone come in and work illegally and send all their money back home to Lupita and
Carlos back in Guadalajara. And the unions - the liberals don't seem to care that the Unions are
driving businesses away in droves and turning our cities into urban wastelands - my order's
"Alright."
"Mark! I'm at Kinko's! Listen - women are completely incomprehensible! I saw this
woman in the parking lot. She was driving a car that had bumper stickers that said Free Tibet and
Don't Hate in my World, that kind of stuff. You know, so I tried to talk to her. She just ignored
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me! She should've had a bumper sticker that said don't TALK in my world! Jesus, she wouldn't
give me the time of day but I had a great conversation with her bumper stickers. Ha ha ha...." his
laugh was long and raspy. "Don't hate in my world," he said again, laughing. "Kim is in serious
trouble," he said, suddenly serious. "She skipped her probation. It's not that hard to go to
probation, it's once every two weeks. Now she has a big fine, I have to pay it. What can you do?
You can't just turn your back on people when they're in trouble. Oh, I forgot to tell you - I met
Elijah Wood last night at the Grove. There was some fancy Hollywood party, so I went with a
sign. I gave him a card, he's excited about the book. Harrison Ford was there too. You know,
these Hollywood liberals are good people once they admit they have no facts to support their
positions. I have facts though, Mark. I have facts! This book is gonna be great. I want to have it
"Okay."
28
I had to go back up north to go to my sister's graduation from law school. I took a four-
day weekend and regaled my family with stories of the wacky Hollywood Syd Ross. It was all
funny and good to tell them, but it was hard to convey the stifling atmosphere of failure that
surrounded the Los Angeles I had seen. My own crashing and burning in every audition, Kim's
drug problems, the guitarist from Gods of Thunder, Syd's hopeless quest - it was all so bleak.
So I was driving on the 101 and coming up on Santa Barbara. I was going towards Los
Angeles and had taken the long way back. My sister’s graduation had been full of pomp and
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pageantry with hor’s d’oeuvres and champagne. I had gone along with everything, half-dead to
it. I drank too much at every opportunity, trying not to think about what I would have to do for a
The coffee stain was still hot on my pants and there was a pretty bad burn on my thigh. I
cursed the cup of coffee I didn’t get to drink, and myself for fooling with my CD’s and not
paying attention. I could’ve had a serious rear-end collision so I guess it was best I slammed on
the brakes and scalded myself. Cars were up ahead, stopped. It was about four o’clock so it made
sense. I looked at the directions beside me, the ones my mom had written out. They told me how
to get to a world-famous Mexican place she had read about in the New York Times. The exit was
just ahead. I slowed down when I got to the rush hour blockage. I was tired and bleary-eyed.
So I got off the freeway and followed the directions up the cutesy downtown area to the
restaurant. It was little and unassuming, like most Mexican places are, and there was a huge line
snaking around the block. The parking lot was full so I parked a couple blocks away on the
street. I walked up to the restaurant and took a place at the end of the line. All around me were
professors and students from UC Santa Barbara, having witty and erudite conversations. They
referenced Wes Anderson movies, the Daily Show, liberal politics, and some crazy party at the
After about ten minutes I caught sight of the ordering area and saw a “cash only” sign. I
checked my wallet even thought I was sure I didn’t have any. I stood there for a second, feeling
stupid. Then I got out of line and walked down the street to find a goddamn ATM. After passing
block upon block of auto-body places, bike shops, antique stores, jewelry shops, and the like, I
got to a tiny anonymous convenience store. A faded sign outside said “ATM.” Inside were racks
of candy, beef jerky, a sketchy wine section and tons of fridges holding the usual assortment of
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corn syrup. I went to the ATM machine in the corner and swiped my card. It blinked and the
I turned around. The Mexican guy was sitting at the counter watching a Lakers game on
I went back to the restaurant. The line was even longer. I just didn’t care anymore. I went
back to my car and headed back to the freeway. The on-ramp was jammed with cars. I flipped
through the radio to find something, but it was mostly rap and ranchera music. When I got on
the freeway, it was even more crowded than before. Row after row of shining, glinting steel in
the sun. People sitting and waiting, some singing along to the radio, some nursing a cup of
coffee, and some full of teenage guys blasting music. Too many people were going to the same
“Hey.”
“Hey, man. Where you been at the last couple days? Are you okay?”
“Oh yeaaaah, I totally forgot. You were going up for some graduation.”
“Well, it was like a graduation. I don’t know, I was just there. Not doing anything. I don’t
“Just trying to get around. My car totally broke down. Did I tell you? But I have this job
in Studio City this whole week and the bus strike is still going on.”
“Well, there’s one bus that isn’t on strike. I think they’re run by another company, it’s a
private company that doesn’t belong to the city. And I’ve been taking that one.”
“How is it?”
“The bus only comes every twenty minutes. Every one is completely crammed with
people. And the first two will pass you by. And the third will be just as packed. But it might stop.
And then you get on, and you’re…you’re like standing on people’s toes. And people just push
“Jesus.”
“Today I was on a bus and two guys got in a fight. And one of them was like ‘I will KILL
you!’ He actually said, ‘I will kill you. If you touch me again I will kill you.’”
I laughed out loud, a deep, satisfying laugh. Sam laughed too, and we couldn’t even talk
for awhile. I could imagine the frustration, the anger that guy must’ve felt. I felt a lot better
knowing I wasn’t the only one. In some ways it made all the difference between frustration and
patience.
“You know what?” he said. “I don’t even care anymore. I’m not letting it affect me.”
“Yeah. I mean, if it’s this hard to do anything or get anywhere, and it’s hard for everyone,
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“Yeah. I’m just sitting on the freeway right now. I’m not going anywhere.”
“Traffic sucks?”
“No, this is just how it is. Everyone wants to get somewhere and there’s not enough space
“Well, if you get home and it’s not too late, knock on my door.”
I hung up. Well, I had something to look forward to. Traffic was still awful. The sun was
blazing down on us, and we were all just sitting, trapped in our cars. I looked out at the Pacific
ocean stretched placidly beside us. It didn’t care. It was nice to see something natural around me.
I wondered what it was like when the first Spaniards got here. Could they have known it would
end up like this? Was it still even California, now that it had been paved over and packed with
people?
All these thoughts were running through my head. I wondered what Syd would be up to
when I got back to LA. Would he ever finish his book? What would I do when I got back? My
acting career hadn’t gotten off the ground at all. Traffic wasn’t moving. I was so far from the Bay
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Area and still so far from LA. I just sat and waited because there was nothing else I could do.
After awhile traffic picked up again and I got up to twenty miles per hour. There was a gap in the
lane to the left of me, so I stepped on the gas and pushed on ahead, cutting people off. Horns
blared behind me. Damn the traffic, I thought. There’s no way I’d be stuck in Santa Barbara the
rest of my life. I would get to LA. I wouldn’t even pull over the rest of the way there. So I just
29
The day after I got back I called the boss to see what was up.
"Mark, I hate to do this and I feel like an asshole. But I just don't have enough time to do
it. Can you go to Trader Joe's for me? I need some things."
"Okay."
"Okay, get a pen and paper. Two half gallons of milk. Any kind, I don't care. Two half
gallons of orange juice. That Belgian chocolate pudding. I love that stuff, it makes life worth
living. Also I want those sun-dried habanero tortillas. Get some pizza sauce, mozzarella cheese,
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muffins, instant coffe, some root beer, a six-pack of beer - get yourself some beer too."
"Okay."
I went and got the groceries and got to his house later than planned, but he didn't seem to
mind. His apartment was littered wall to wall with books on the Clintons, old tabloids,
newspapers, and other assorted crap he will probably never throw away.
I said sure, then watched as he took out a posterboard from a pile of cassettes and old
photographs. He pointed to a picture on the floor and said, "That's me and Jackie Mason." Then
he wrote on the poster, "I Hate the Clintons" and folded it in half. On the bottom half he wrote "I
met Elijah Wood." Then he turned it around and wrote "Hollywood Syd Ross, Everyone!!!" Then
he grabbed a tape from a pile on the floor and popped it into a portable stereo.
We left and walked out to the corner of Santa Monica and La Brea. He pressed play on
the tape, saying "I made a special mix tape for this" as Steppenwolf's "Magic Carpet Ride" came
out of the speakers. He held up the side of the sign that said "Hollywood Syd Ross Everyone."
He started strutting across the sidewalk, gyrating his pelvis and waving at cars passing by. His
energy was incredible, he jumped in the air and sang along like Mick Jagger at the Hollywood
Bowl. Commuters drove by and honked with familiarity. Watching him perform on his sidewalk
stage I realized that he was finally in his element - the place he was born to be. Like an aging
bullfighter stepping back into the ring, Hollywood Syd Ross came to the sidewalk time and time
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again for solace, support, validation, an outlet, you name it. When he was on the corner - the
corner he'd been on for twelve years - I could picture it being named "Hollywood Syd Ross
Square" when he died, with a statue of him holding up a sign and a plaque. The image is
engraved in my mind - a strange man on a street corner, dancing with a sign and waving at the
traffic.
"I've had threats made on my life. I know what you'll say - Hollywood is joking, Syd is
"Wow."
"I've had serious threats made, and I want you to know that if something happens - Mark,
"Sure."
I heard him speaking Hebrew to someone. The conversation became louder until it
evolved into a shouting match. When it reached its peak Syd got back on the phone.
"Mark!"
"Yeah."
"These Jews are so liberal. They're all so guilty! So many of them are these angry, self-
hating Jews who can't appreciate what they have. The richest people in the world, and they can't
be happy. Where was I? Oh yeah - if you find me dead with a gun in my hand, I didn't kill
myself. The Clintons did it. I'm serious. That's how they work. A lot of people don't like this
book I'm writing, and if any threats come in to you, I want you to tell me."
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"Okay."
"So we can tell the police. And when we go to speaking engagements, we'll hire a
bodyguard with us. But if I die Mark, if I die, all my money goes to you and Kim. And my
nephew and my niece. You're my witness. It's not like I have a family, you and Kim are the only
ones that care about me. Anyway, there's good news. Howie Shaw called me, from Scooter and
the Geech. He's trying to get me back on. And I might get on the Michael Savage show. I have to
put myself out there, I have to make myself heard. Otherwise what's the point? There's nothing to
live for if your voice isn't heard. That's why these homeless and these vets are so angry. No one
"Yeah, of course."
"Oh Mark, I forgot to tell you what I did last night. There was this event last night at the
Beverly Hilton, and Anti-Bush fundraiser. All these filthy rich liberals were there - Barbra
Streisand, David Geffen, Steven Spielberg, Jesus, it sounds like a bar mitzvah. And Arianna
Huffington was there, that bitch. I went up to her. I was dressed up nice, no signs or anything.
And I said, this is what I said - 'You fucking phony liberal. I know that you made your husband
gay. And I voted for Bush - I LOVE BUSH! It's because of Bush you can eat your dinner tonight.
"The guard threw me out. But it's okay, I made my point. I called Michael Savage when I
got in the lobby. I got on the air. After that I called Carmen. Remember Carmen?"
"Yeah, I called her after I got thrown out. I have this new thing with her. I give her fifty
bucks for a half hour, there's no sex. She has a boyfriend. What we do is pretend to be boyfriend
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and girlfriend. You know, we hug and say, 'How was your day,' that kind of stuff."
"No, but I don't mind. It's not the sex I want. It just feels good to have someone to come
30
Syd called while I was hiking in Griffith Park. I got back, got the message, and called
him back.
"Mark! Good news! I'm back on Scooter! Probably next week. I'm gonna meet Freddy at
the Key Club tonight. I'll talk to him, I'll tell him I meant no disrespect to Scooter and the Geech
by going on Imus. So can you meet me at my house at 2:30? I'll pay you, and I need to run some
errands."
"Sure."
"Can you stop at the ninety-nine cent store and pick up some napkins on the way? And
some C batteries."
"Alright."
I went to pick up the napkins and batteries, then got to his house just in time. I entered his
apartment and he told me he needed to go to Radio Shack to get a new stereo, his portable one
was not working right and the warrantee was still good. We drove in the car the few blocks to the
Radio Shack. We went in with the stereo and some bored black guy asked us what was up.
"My stereo doesn't work sometimes. The tape moves but no sound comes out."
"The tape?"
He pressed play and the Michael Savage Show came out of the speakers.
"The batteries are fine. I need a new stereo, I cannot use this one."
The kid went in back. Syd saw some portable stereo in the shape of an M & M with arms,
legs and a face and heapdphones. There were two kinds, regular and peanut.
"Look at these!" he said, picking up the boxes on the counter. "These are great."
He got out his cell phone and I knew he was calling Kim.
"Heyyyy Kimmy, it's me. I'm at Radio Shack with Mark, do you want one of these M&M
radios? They're cute. You don't? Okay, fine." He hung up. "I'm getting both of these. They're
great."
The guy came back with the new radio and Syd compled the transaction. We left and as I
pulled out of the parking lot he said, "It probably was the batteries. Those cheap batteries from
the ninety-nine cent store, who knows how long they've been sitting on the shelf. Ha ha ha! Oh
We got a space on Larchmont right across from the Noah's bagels. We went in to have our
meeting, put our stuff on the table and ordered the bagels. While we waited I gave him some info
I had found on Janeane Garafalo (he want her to write the forward to the book) and the email
addresses of Sean Hannity and Alan Colmes. He paid me, the bagels were ready and Syd paid
with the coupon he had for free bagels that he won in a raffle. The lady took the coupons.
"Oh, I'm sorry, this is the last month. It's a a year-long coupon, I'll have to take it from
you."
"What?" said Syd. "Oh, man - well okay, I guess I'll have to pay for bagels from now on."
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We ate our bagels and left, Syd without his coupon. I dropped him off back at home then
went back to my place. A few hours later he called and said, "Mark! That bitch took my coupons
too soon! I got them in March! They owe me four more months of bagels! Do you want to go to
"Uhhhh..."
"Well, I'm probably going out with some friends, and it might be a late night..." It was
true. I had plans with Sam and Pauline. We were going to the Griffith Observatory to see the
laserium.
And that was that. I knew half of Syd wanted desperately wanted friends to go out with,
but the other half would rather sit at home plotting his revenge on the world. The fact that the
two parts could coexist simultaneously in one man never ceased to amaze me.
"Did you know that Clinton has always been a liar? I mean, his record of lying goes back
to his college days. Listen to this - when he was in college in Arkansas he was working on a
political campaign. It was a campaign for governor, I forget the name of the candidate. And
Clinton was this lowly staffer, you know, he stuffed envelopes or something. And the candidate
won, so they had this huge victory celebration in some convention center. And the governor was
supposed to give a speech, right? And the whole thing was being televised. So guess what
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Clinton did? He told the governor that his mother was in the audience, so could he please give
the introductory speech. And they let him. But his mother wasn't even in the audience, she was
"Yeah, he'll do anything to promote himself, he just wanted recognition. People actually
booed during the speech. It was that bad. But he'll do anything to get recognition. So then later
when he ran for office, people knew him. I know this guy, Mark. I see right through him. I
31
My mom had been asking me if I was going to take a vacation. I guess she could hear in
my voice that I needed time away from my weird new life. It's one of those mom things, they just
know before you tell them. So she sent me an article on Vietnam, which was the new cheap hot
vacation spot for American tourists. She said she had enough mileage points to buy my tickets
and I had to pay for everything while I was there. I had saved up enough money for a trip so I
told Syd I would be gone for two weeks. He grudgingly let me go, but he was glad I was getting
I think it was the opposite for me. I just needed time away from Syd, time away from the
real world. To me, Los Angeles was the true reality of America, the end and final accumulation
of America. And it was more insane than my world view could account for, with my simple
mountain upbringing. So I needed to escape the scary reality and live in vacation land for two
weeks. You never experience the true reality of a place when you're on vacation. You're too busy
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So I found myself on this bus from Saigon to Nha Trang. The bus ride only cost me six
dollars. It was ridiculous how cheap everything was in Vietnam. Saigon was fun but I wanted to
chill out and I heard Nha Trang was a nice beach town. And I was sitting there listening to the
iPod Sam had sold me for fifty bucks, surrounded by chattering Vietnamese, when this huge tall
white guy got on the bus and sat down across the aisle from me. The bus started eventually and I
“American?”
“Yeah.”
“Hey.”
“Yeah,” he said, “I’m heading up to Nha Trang. It’s supposed to be gorgeous. I spent
several weeks in Saigon. I found some great bars. I didn’t expect to meet ex-pats on this bus!”
He had a slow, measured way of speaking while not looking directly at you. It was like he
“I’m just traveling for awhile,” I said. “I’m going back to the states soon.”
“Oh, you’re just a part-timer! Well, I’ve been teaching in China for over two years.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, well, one year I spent in Xuanzhang, in the east. It is a fairly large sized industrial
town wherein I taught eager young Chinese students how to speak English. There were
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challenges in teaching the language. I can go into that later. But the next year I was placed in
“Correction. It is the ninth largest city in the world. Mumbai is the largest.”
“India. Formerly Bombay. But as I was saying, in Shanghai I taught for a year.
Incidentally, in Shanghai I picked up the habit of visiting prostitutes. In the orient the western
stigma of visiting a whore is not frowned upon the way it is in the States.”
“Yes. I have been with some excellent whores. You should really think about finding a
whore in Nha Trang. I am sure they will be superb, and cheap too.”
“I dated an English woman for several months in Shanghai. She was a teacher too,
several years my senior. I think the relationship was unbalanced. She got a little attached and I
never was emotionally committed. We only had sex about two times, and both times were
incomplete. They were less than satisfactory for me. That’s why prostitutes have been a good
This guy is weird, I thought. But what the hell. I have no one else to talk to. And then he
“Not many.”
“Zero?”
“Yeah. But it wasn’t good. It was…really bad. I made a lot of mistakes. It ended really
terribly.”
The truth was much worse but that was the short version I told people.
“We broke up, but I guess we were both too stubborn to move on. It took awhile to
actually end. And she started going off the deep end.”
“Yeah. A lot of drugs, and all these people she was hanging out with. It wasn’t healthy.”
“I’ve noticed that drugs can provide a momentary feeling of euphoria but usually leave
one feeling a bit hollow. I have tried most of the major drugs, starting with pot, cocaine,
ecstasy…”
So it went on like this, most of the way to Nha Trang. I tried to sleep but he would keep
talking. All the places he’d been, the other ex-pats he taught with.
Eventually we got to Nha Trang around seven in the morning. The bus stopped on a main
street, filled with restaurants and hotels. It was warm and humid already, so early in the day. I got
my bags and said goodbye to Owen. We agreed we would probably run into each other around
town. I carried my bags to a hotel on the street and walked into the lobby. An old Vietnamese
“For one.”
That would be about 160,000 Dong, which was nothing. You could get a whole dinner for
50,000.
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I gave her my passport and she showed me up to the third floor of an incredibly narrow
building. There was an old man sitting on the floor in the hallway cleaning basil in a bowl of
water. He looked up at me and smiled. He was probably an employee. There were people like
that all around Vietnam, simple peasant people sitting on the ground preparing food. I loved the
food and the people. They provided incredible comfort, something I had needed but couldn’t find
back at home. America had become too big and vulgar for me. Just too decadent. I couldn't help
it. I wasn't raised to deal with the mass culture of my own country.
I got to my room and it was great, with a view of the ocean and an air conditioner. I put
my stuff away and went down to find some breakfast. I walked out through the busy morning
streets past countless cafes on the sidewalks serving hot bowls of pho, little carts serving
sandwiches, and locals speeding past me on motorcycles. I found my way to the beach. I walked
along the sand for awhile and felt the warm tropical breeze. This was what I had come for.
Somehow there was nothing to worry about here. Palm trees swayed in the wind and Australian
tourists walked along the beach, sunburned and bloated, jabbering loudly. Suddenly I was in
front of a restaurant with a huge patio, sitting on the sand and facing the ocean. I walked, dazed
and tired, into the comfort of the giant tourist trap. A Vietnamese man seated me with a smile,
and I sat and looked at the ocean. I ordered a coffee, then an omelette. They were both absolutely
delicious. And the beach was beautiful. The bill was about four US dollars.
Back at the hotel I thought I heard a familiar voice as I walked up the stairs.
“Laundry. Do you do my laundry? How much? HOW MUCH?? Okay, that’s good. I’ll
I got up to my floor and there he was. Big, American Owen, talking to a little Vietnamese
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woman. He stood out like a soar thumb. But I guess I did too.
“Hey!” he said when he saw me, a cigarette dangling from his lips. “How fortuitous!”
“That’s funny.”
“You know what I love about Asia? They let you smoke anywhere. Back in the States you
I opened my door to go take a nap. I was exhausted from the bus ride.
“Hey, I ran into some Australian chicks I met in Saigon. We’re gonna go out tonight.
I went in my room, thinking of how I could get out of it. This was how it always was.
People made plans with me for some reason, and I had to think of a way to get out of them. I just
felt so tired all the time. I didn’t have any energy to be around people anymore. I didn’t know
what was wrong with me. Maybe Syd had exhausted me more than I realized.
Later that day, after swimming at the beach and having a three-hour lunch at great little
bar I found, I got back to the hotel. I had had a perfect day. It was completely relaxing. The bar
had played that movie “Total Recall” with Arnold Schwarzenegger, and for some reason I loved
it. Maybe I was nostalgic for America, but it felt good to find comfort in my own culture again,
however skin-deep and bloated it was. So I walked up the stairs, hoping Owen wouldn’t be there
“Hey!”
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“You ready? You better get dressed! These girls are very attractive. I think you’ll like
I went in my room and found a button-down shirt. I wasn’t expecting to have to dress up
on this trip and it was all wrinkled. I came back out and he was standing in the hall smoking.
“That’ll do,” he said. “It’s a bit wrinkled but hopefully the bar will be dark enough, so
“We’re meeting them at the Blue Gecko,” he said. “It’s within walking distance. Shall
we?”
“Sure.”
I didn’t know how I would spend a whole night with this guy in a bar. I would just try my
hardest. We left and walked along the main street towards the beach. The night air was warm in
Vietnam, especially in the summer on the coast. We didn’t speak much as we walked. I didn’t ask
any questions for fear of an impending sermon, and I treasured each precious moment of silence.
We got to the place, a big open bar on the beach. It was loud and full of Brits, Aussies and
a few Americans. This was Owen’s scene, and there was nowhere he felt more at home. Some
girls waved at us from a table in the corner. They were tall, sunburned, blonde chicks.
We went over and Owen put his arm around one of them. They were expecting a good
time, dancing and all that. I just wanted a drink. We introduced ourselves. Their names were
Sylvia and Kathy. I went to get a Mai Tai from the busy Vietnamese girl tending bar. It was only
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I got back to the table and sat down. Sylvia looked at me.
“Los Angeles.”
“Oh! That’s so interesting! I’ve always wanted to go! Is it really as shallow as everyone
says?”
“No, but I’ve visited several times,” he said. “I actually studied Urban Planning at
college. Or University, as you call it in Australia. What you have to understand about LA is that
it’s a city of contradictions. Of course, there are the popular images you see on TV and in the
movies. But these images, in shows like LA Law and Curb Your Enthusiasm, hide the complex
And it went on and on like that all night long. I didn’t mind not talking, but listening to
him started to drive me crazy. So I got up to go to the bathroom but there was a huge line of
“Good idea.”
I walked out onto the beach and strayed away from the bar a little ways. I got onto the
dark, quiet part of the beach and did my business. A few old Vietnamese men fished quietly near
me. After I finished I zipped up and stood, looking at the waves washing on the shore several feet
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from my shoes. The noise of the Blue Gecko came to me distantly, intermittently when the wind
shifted in my direction. It was loud music and laughing. The ocean was dark and gorgeous, and I
could barely look away from it. It became the only thing that didn’t make me sick to my
stomach.
This was what I’d been looking for this whole trip. I’d found it in bits and pieces, here
and there. I didn’t know the sea would give me what I craved so badly. I looked back at the Blue
Gecko, bright and pulsing with noise. I felt weak and stupid in the company of other people. The
only thing that made me feel better was this procession of waves pounding on the shore. I didn’t
go back to the bar that night. I just stood there, drawing the warm night air into my lungs, gazing
at the sea crashing towards me. I guess I had been living in the city too long and got too used to
the civilized world. The ocean in Vietnam was so clean and so pure. As ocean spray lightly
glazed over me I stood, captivated, and felt like I was whole again.
30
The flight back took about thirty hours, which included a layover in the Phillipines for
eight hours. I finally arrived in Los Angeles, sleepless, not knowing what time it was going to be.
I had emailed Sam to pick me up. He showed up on time in his old Honda, smoking out of the
back with the right rear door not working. I loaded up my baggage and jumped in the front. He
was smoking the last of a joint. I looked out the window and saw it was nighttime.
"What?"
"It's close to our place, man. You'll see when we get there."
We cruised through nighttime LA down the empty freeways, the dry warm air blowing in
through his windows. It was so nice to be back in Los Angeles. A city that was all future and no
history. Coming from Vietnam it seemed that way. Everything was so stable, so comfortable in
my country. We were set in our democracy and our capitalism and most of us were living in
pretty good conditions. There hadn't been a war on our soil in a hundred and forty years and
there wouldn't be another one anytime soon. I loved the glittering lights of downtown as we
approached.
The air was full of smoky heat and I saw the flickering orange of the fire consuming the
hills in the distance. When we got to the apartment I coughed getting out of the car. The fire was
really close. Ashes were floating all around. Our neighbors were outside of the apartment looking
"It's not gonna get closer," said Pauline, the old timer. "I remember the fire we had here a
few years ago. It was in that same spot, but the Santa Ana winds were blowing it the other
direction."
I unpacked all my stuff and came back out on the street to join my neighbors.
"You want to drive up in the hills with us?" Pauline asked me. "To get a closer look."
Sam and I got in her car and she drove us up through the hills like an expert.
"I've been living in this city for twenty-two years, I know my way around."
We curved through narrow streets and ended up on a hill by some mansions looking at
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the fire as it swept up the hill destroying houses people had worked their whole lives for.
"Yeah, it's like some divine justice," said Pauline. "When there's this many poor people in
the city and you're hording all this wealth, it seems like it makes sense for fire season to come
every year."
"They come in from the desert around the end of Autumn," Pauline said. "That's why
they're warm. It comes from Spanish actually, they called them the vientos de Santana, which
means winds of Satan. So they thought the winds were evil, which a lot of people still think."
"Wow."
"Well it's the winds that make fire season so bad," Sam said. "The fires spread like crazy."
"And crime goes way up during this time of the year. I read some article about how the
For awhile we just watched the fire. It was incredibly close. I wondered how Syd was
doing since I had been gone. He'd probably been getting crazier and crazier. Eventually we got
tired of watching other people's misfortune and drove out of the hills.
"Listen, can you pick up some stuff for me? I'll pay you back."
"Okay."
"Because I just don't have time. This book, it's taking all my energy."
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"Uh-huh."
"I don't have a moment to spare. So pick up some napkins, instant coffee...let's see...sweet
'n low...margarine...light bulbs. Make sure they're a hundred watt, get about seven of them...some
fruit juice -get as much as you can. And pick up something for yourself."
"Alright, Syd."
We agreed to meet at three thirty. So I went, got the groceries and drove to his house
where there were plenty of spots available. I went up and knocked available. I went up and
knocked on the door. After a minute the door opened a crack and he said, "Come in, quick!"
I walked in and he was hunched over holding his cat to make sure she didn't escape. After
the door was closed he stroked the cat, saying, "Oooh, keety, keety,-cat, you are so beautiful."
After fawning over the cat for awhile, he told me to have a seat.
"Listen - there was no gun found at his body. Who shoots themself without a gun? The
FBI weren't even called when the body was first discovered in the park. The Clintons sent a team
of people in to raid his office. They took a bunch of files, they wouldn't give them back. They let
the park police handle the whole case. They're park police! They don't know anything, they ruled
it a suicide before they even talked to his wife. The gun they SAID he used to shoot himself - it's
not the one he had at home. There were no records of him buying a gun. He was killed, Mark. He
was killed. What, you think all these people are lying?"
He gestured to the floor where there were about fifty books sitting in piles, all of them
about Vince Foster's death, Ron Brown's death, Hillary's dark side, Bill's history with women, the
Clinton's legacy of death and horror and immorality written by hate-filled, right-wing, self-
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"See all of these notes I took?" he said, pointing to a pile of notebooks, papers, index
cards and manila envelopes in the middle of the floor. He had a crazed look in his eyes, like a
I could tell he hadn't left his house in probably a week. He was wearing little fluorescent
orange shorts and a huge black jacket that had the "CIA" logo on it. He pulled out a check and
gave it to me.
"Here's for last week. You know, I'm sure it's over with Scooter. I've been fooling myself.
He looked out the window, in mourning. The man was trying to come to terms with the
"People see me in the street, they say 'Why aren't you on Scooter and the Geech
"I can't stop something if it was meant to be. I just have to be okay with it."
He gazed out the window, put his hands in his pockets and took a deep breath.
31
"Mark, I have some bad news to tell you. Well, it's bad for me - not bad for you. Now
don't freak out but I got another death threat last night. It was - I don't want to be a racist, but it
was a nigger. A fuckin' black man called and here's what he said: 'I work for Pellicano. We're
gonna off you. We're gonna kill you.' This is serious, Mark."
"Who's Pellicano?"
"He was one of Clinton's lawyers. I don't know if it's real. I mean, this might be bogus.
But it still just scares me. It scares me badly. I'm just not gonna take chances anymore. I'm not
going out with signs, I'm not gonna make a scene, I won't give my cards out. A fuckin' black guy.
The blacks hate me. Those blacks, they love Clinton. And you know what? Go to any place of
business in South Central or Watts. How many blacks do you see working in stores? NONE! You
know where they are? In prison! The liberals, they want the blacks at home collecting welfare
and drinking malt liquor. And meanwhile the gangs are out writing graffiti all over the city,
calling cops killers and defending cop killers. Free Mumia, that kind of bullshit."
"Yeah."
"But I also have some good news. I called Larry Petersen. He's a former Arkansas state
trooper, he gave me LD Brown's number! LD Brown wrote that book on the Clintons you got
me. But I interviewed Larry Petersen too. He told me that Clinton would release these big
elephant farts. Heheheheh! Elephant farts. He said there may be truth to rumors of Webster
Hubbell being Chelsea's real father. He said I could quote him in the book. Isn't that great?"
"Uh-huh."
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"So I'll have that, and get an LD Brown interview. That will be fantastic. This book will
have more than any of those other books. It will be the ultimate."
"Yeah."
"Sure."
I turned on the TV after I hung up. I had just gotten cable installed and I was watching
some biography of Cher on A & E. It had gotten up to the nineties portion of her career, past the
Sonny and Cher days and the eighties big hair days. When they started talking about Sonny
Bono's death it showed a clip from Cher's eulogy, which had aired live on CNN without her
knowledge. She had given the eulogy even though they had been divorced for over twenty years
and he had a new wife and kids. I watched, half amused, as Cher delivered her speech.
"People think I was the strong one because Sonny was always the butt of the jokes. But
what people don't know is that Sonny came up with the jokes. He had all the ideas. He was the
pillar..."
"This is probably the most important thing I've ever done," she said, and went on to
describe the early days when she had just come to Hollywood as a sixteen year old girl and
Sonny took her in, teaching her about show business. Three years later they had a hit song
As she went on I saw that Cher had probably never completely fallen out of love with
Sonny. Someone that influential in her life, of course she was beside herself with grief at his
death. I was beginning to see that celebrities and even pseudo-celebrities were full and complex
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I walked out onto the patio outside of my place. I started thinking about people I had lost
touch with from my childhood, especially Neil. Neil lived on the mountain where I grew up. He
reminded me of Syd in some ways. He smelled and no one at school liked him. But he lived right
up the street and we had a similar sense of humor. He had a Nintendo system and cable, which I
never had, so that was a major draw. And in my neighborhood there was so little to do that I
would spend every day of my summer at his house playing Super Mario Brothers and Mortal
But then he would start to imitate animals or he would attack me physically and I would
have to leave. One time he perched himself on the couch and raised his arms, going "Kawww!!!
Kawww!!! Kawww!" Every day I asked myself why I spent so much time with this guy.
There were so many reasons that my parents shouldn't have let me spend time at his
house. He lived with his mom, who was never home. There was absolutely no supervision except
Alan, a strange man who lived in the garage, and their landlord Lee, who was single, drove a big
One day Neil and I were bored and decided to antagonize him. He never went outside,
Neil and I hardly ever saw him. Lord knows what he was doing, probably watching the Spice
channel. In the past Neil and I usually sneaked into his house to watch porn on his TV. But since
we couldn't do that, we decided on something better. We took pieces of binder paper and wrote a
series of threatening messages on them; "We're going to kill you."; "We know where you live.";
"You're gonna die." One just said "Leeeeeeeeeeeee" in scary red twelve-year-old handwriting,
with devil flames rising behind it. We thought we were going to terrify him out of his wits. So we
knocked on his door and dropped the first paper, then ran off into the trees and hid for a half an
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hour.
"Come on!"
"Wait!"
So we dropped the second paper, gave a knock then ran like the devil. We kept going
back and seeing that the papers were gone. As our confidence grew we went back more
frequently. We were getting pretty obnoxious. We set one of the papers on fire in front of his
door and ran. Finally we ran out of paper, so we went back and just shouted insults at him from
outside.
Then we heard a rustling of the bushes next to us. I looked up and saw the huge pot-
bellied, bearded figure of Lee standing above. He was holding a giant shotgun, pointing it down
at us. I turned to tell Neil to run and he wasn't even by my side anymore. I got up as Lee started
firing into the air. I ran as far as my legs could take me as the BANG BANG of his gun sounded.
I finally found Neil sitting on a tree-stump, crying. "Please don't tell my mom," he said. "She'll
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kill me." We stayed away from the house for the rest of the day.
That night after Neil's mom got home Lee came over to talk with her. Neil and I hid in his
room and heard Lee's muffled yelling and his mom weeping softly.
"Bullshit, Debra!"
"Shut the fuck up, do you know what a pain in the ass those kids are? I can't deal with
Neil and I sat in his room, the room that smelled like cinnamon air freshener, and listened
to the argument. Neil sat on his bed curled in a ball with wide eyes, scared to say anything. They
were clearly in danger of losing their house. And suddenly they were quiet and the door
slammed, both of them leaving. Neil and I always thought that Debra was having sex with Lee to
A year after that, Debra decided that Neil was too much trouble to raise so she sent him to
Louisiana to live with his grandparents. He used to call me from Louisiana to complain about
bullies that would beat him up at school every day. He would write me letters that didn't make
any sense, just long streams of consciousness. One of them was just a giant drawing of a
dinosaur with its head cut off and blood spurting out. My nickname "E.G." was written all over
the margins. After a while he stopped sending letters and stopped calling. Eventually my mom
had seen a notice in the obits of the San Mateo News that showed his picture. I could tell it was
him, even years later post-puberty. It had been some sort of car crash. He had been homeless for
awhile, had even spent time in an institution for stabbing one of his teachers. It was so strange. I
And then I started thinking about our family's black lab, Josh. He was a great dog. He had
such manners. He wouldn't eat if anyone was watching, he would wait to be invited in the house
before he came in. He wouldn't speak unless spoken to. He was like a British aristocrat in the
body of a labrador retriever. But one day during an Indian summer he just disappeared. My dad
went all over the mountain looking for him in the heat. He never turned up, and my sister cried
every day for a month. I shed no tears because I felt almost no emotions at that point of my life.
So a few months later when my thirteenth birthday rolled around I planned the usual party- all
So my friends arrived on October 9th at about eleven in the morning. I opened all my
presents. I got a bunch of GI Joe guys that were awesome, a Super Soaker, which was the king of
all squirt guns. It would get your enemy soaking wet after one squirt. Then came lunch, hot dogs
and cake. My standard meal back then. After lunch my dad announced it was time for the hike.
So my dad, the leader, led us down into the canyon. We went down a little logging road
through redwood trees in a remote, dark part of the forest. Me and my friends were running and
"Who do you think would win in a fight to the death, Batman or Spiderman?"
I looked at my pet. I can't believe that is Josh. He's nothing but bones and black hair. I
could see his head and his jaw. He used to bark out of that jaw. I could see his tail. He used to
wag with that tail. He was just laying there, a pile of black nothingness, his eye sockets were
empty. Is that going to happen to me when I die? This is my birthday, I shouldn't be thinking
about death.
But I had to. I had to realize that when dogs - or friends, parents, whatever- when they
disappear they don't always end up in some beautiful blue haven. Sometimes they just turn into a
So there I was in the middle of Hollywood, thinking about death. Sonny Bono, Josh, Neil,
who knew where they had all ended up? Syd was sure there was something afterwards, but all I
could picture was that pile of hair in the canyon. Part of me always wondered if there was any
I guess I wanted badly to believe in something wonderful that came afterwards. I wanted
this life to make sense. But the more I saw, the more I lived, the less I understood. I didn't have
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religion like other people, and I couldn't just start now. I wasn't conditioned with it. So I was on
my own.
32
I met Syd at his place after picking up the Starr Report at Barnes and Noble and some
stuff at the 99 cent store. I got to his place, he paid me, I gave him some research, and we went to
the Office Depot. While we were there Syd started talking to these two ladies.
"Are you twins?" he asked, even though it was obvious they weren't. It turned out they
were country singers in a band together. Syd started singing "Dust in the Wind" by Kansas and
He was doing well with the girls until he started talking about his book.
"I think Hillary Clinton is a disgrace. She's what we would call in Hebrew a 'Schaunder.'
A shame!"
One of them said, "I won't get started," and they walked out towards their car. We
followed them and Syd shouted epithets. Then we waved as they left the parking lot. Then we
went to Noah's. Syd gave me directions carefully so I would never once have to make a left turn.
He believes they are dangerous and should be avoided at all costs. We got to Larchmont and the
street was hopping. Everyone was in a good mood because it was Friday. No one even got mad at
Syd. They all tolerated him like an annoying kid brother. We went to the pizza place, Syd
Steve, the owner of the pizza place, came out and said, "Syd, no politics. You know that."
"Steve, I've known you for fourteen years, you say that every time I come here."
"It needs to be said. And another thing, Syd - you don't need the sign."
"No you don't need it. When will you have faith in yourself? You are enough. The sign is
"Hey Steve, if I needed psycho analysis I'd call Dr. Laura. Can we get a couple slices of
pizza?"
We got some slices and walked down the street towards Noah's. On the way we passed a
group of Catholic school girls who couldn't have been more than fourteen.
"Are you too young for my assistant? He's nineteen, he's an aspiring actor."
We got to Noah's and all the employees lit up when they saw us.
"Hey Hollywooood!"
We went up and Syd produced his coupons. We got our bagels, a production that lasted
about ten minutes while Syd got distracted, changed his mind, ranted about the liberal media
elite and couldn't make up his mind about what bagels he wanted. Eventually I was forced to
choose four of the dozen - asiago, sesame, jalapeno and garlic. We sat and ate them. Syd started
"It's the simple pleasures, Mark. You don't need money to be happy. Just bagels."
"It's a beautiful world. You know? Just look out the window, it's a beautiful day! I'll admit
sometimes I hate this town. But on a day like today, I wish it would never end."
We finished our bagels and I drove him home. He gave me some bagels to eat.
Syd was leaving for Florida so I met him the day before his flight to get paid. I drove to
his place and he met me in an orange t-shirt that was wrinkled and faded, wearing nothing but his
"Hey, how's it going," he said absently. "Do you mind driving me to the bank? I can pay
you."
I said okay, so I took him to the bank on La Brea after he put on some pants. We got there
and he was the usual, dancing and singing along to the stereo, which was playing "What a
Wonderful World."
"I hate Bill Clinton!" he shouted. "Love George Bush. Mark, who am I voting for?"
"Bush."
"Bush."
"Bush."
We got to the front of the line and some black girl was helping us, her name was
Shawndra.
"Yeah."
"My assistant, he's single. He's an actor. Ask her out!" he told me.
"Uhhh...." I stammered. I just couldn't say that I wasn't into black girls. We got the money
and he gave me my cash. When we go to the car he said, "Would you mind driving me to the
valley tonight?"
"Sure, I guess."
He directed me to his place where we picked up the CD, then to Cahuenga. Since he
refuses to drive on the 101, we took the Cahuenga Pass to the valley. On the way we listened to
the Michael Savage Show, Syd proclaiming his brilliance the whole time. Syd started ranting
about a confontation he had had with some "bitch from the telephone company."
"So I signed up for a long-distance deal for about fifty bucks a month. You can call
anywhere in the country, anytime. And I got my bill in the mail, it was a hundred and seven
dollars. That was ridiculous, you know? I'm not paying that! So I called the company and it took
me fifteen minutes to get a human on the line. And this cunt was so fucking stupid. She was so
goddamn dense. She said, 'You haven't paid the current bill.' I said of course I haven't, that's what
I'm calling about. She said 'Why haven't you paid it,' even after I told her I was on the fifty dollar
a month plan. But she still didn't understand that my bill was too high. I was fuming, Mark. I was
FUMING. and this cunt said, 'Am I annoying you? Am I bothering you in some way?' I said, this
is what I said, you'll love this - 'Lady, if I could reach through this telephone right now and
strangle you, I would. You are making me so miserable right now, I wish I was dead! Do you
understand me?' And I was shouting at her. Don't get married, Mark. Don't ever get married.
After all that we wound up in Valley Village in front of some anonymously huge valley
apartment complex.
I parked and we got out. Syd called her on his cell phone.
"That's weird, she's not home," he said, then left a message. "Hey Kimmy, it's Syd. I'm
here with Mark, I'm gonna drop off the CD you wanted. I guess you're not home, so I'll just leave
it somewhere."
We stood and waited for someone to come into the apartment. Finally some lady drove up
and opened the garage door. We went in and waited. She parked and got out, looking at us.
"If she doesn't answer the call box, she's probably not at home."
"I'm just here to drop off a CD, I'm Hollywood Syd Ross."
He took out the CD and his driver's license, waving them in her face. After a huge long
"I guess she's not at home," Syd said. He left the CD at the door and we left. On the drive
"I was going to be in Florida for a week and then come home home, but Freddy called
and wants me to do Scooter on the 30th. So I'll fly to New York then. The Scooter thing will be
good. I've wanted to come back on for so long, I have to go to New York to be in the studio. The
bit will be funny - it'll be me and a few other guys who haven't been on in a while. We'll plead
We got to Hollywood and he told me to stop at the Jack in the Box on Highland.
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"Thanks, man."
A free dinner wasn't bad. We did the drive-thru because he "can't stand eating with other
people." Which is probably why he hadn't had a date in years. I dropped him off, then pulled
over and scarfed down my meal. He left plenty of work for me to do in his absence. I had to
33
Sam had told me that one way for actors to get more work was to get some jobs as an
extra. If you did enough extra jobs you could get these vouchers and you could use them to join
the Union. And then you could get better jobs. So I went up to Central Casting in Burbank with
my headshot to register. I parked on the street and walked in to the large warehouse. I was
astounded.
At least a hundred people were crammed into the waiting room, running around,
checking their hair, putting makeup on, waiting in line. There were two lines, for union people
and non-union people. I got in the non-union line and waited. Eventually I got to the front and
turned in my paperwork and had my picture taken. They gave me the number to call to check for
jobs. I left, feeling excited about my prospects. I called the hotline that night to listen for
"Okay guys," a male voice said. "This is the male non-union work line, so be sure to have
a pen and paper handy. I need...let's see, okay, I need three big, beefy latino guys for a day of
shooting, this is for this Thursday. It's for a movie called Lost in Miami. Make sure you have
153
clothes to make you look like a gangster, like leather jackets and stuff. They want upscale
gangsters, and more light-skinned, like Cuban looking, if possible...okay next, I need two black
men, fifty and over, with their own cars, if you have like a Lincoln continental, or an old car like
that, they want you for two days of shooting for a movie of the week, this will be filming next
week in Santa Clarita. You will get a car bump, but the car has to be just right...okay, next I need
about twenty men, ages eighteen to fifty, for a night of shooting for Alias. This will be in North
I furiously wrote the number down. Then I hung up and called the central casting hotline
I gave my name and the number. He typed it in and looked at my picture on his computer.
"Yes."
"Okay, you have to go to the Warner lot in Burbank. Be there at nine o'clock. This is
supposed to be fall in Washington DC, so wear heavy clothes, a jacket, maybe a scarf, and dark
colors, you know, brown and red and dark green. No black okay? And bring several changes of
clothes."
"Okay."
So the next night I got my clothes and headed out there to the valley. I was late finding
the studio so I parked and ran with all my clothes to the place where extras were congregating.
There was a big line by a wardrobe trailer and an angry woman was looking at each person,
"You know, I said fall colors. I don't know why they didn't tell you this. But I cannot have
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these, these are California summer colors. You all look like you live in Manhattan Beach."
These people were from all walks of life. I heard Spanish spoken, I saw some Persians,
there was a really New York Guido-looking guy, there was an old nebbish Jewish man, there was
a younger punk rock looking girl. I couldn't believe the cross section of humanity that you could
hire. These people would just show up at nine o'clock at night to stand around on a movie set?
The costume woman walked down the line slowly, shaking her head in disgust. She got to
"I can work with this. This is okay. Get on the bus. You'll be on the first bus to the set."
I looked over at a little bus crammed with the first round of extras.
"I'll have to keep all these other people and find better clothes for them. If the AD calls
I'll have to tell him that Central didn't send the background over with the right clothing."
I walked over to the bus and got on. It was packed but I found a seat next to a young
black guy. He didn't look at me. Everyone on the bus sat there, waiting stoically. Pretty soon the
bus started driving and we were maneuvering through the streets of the valley.
"Yeah. Mostly bagels and stuff. But make sure you don't eat the crew's food. You'll get in
big trouble."
"Huh."
"About a year."
"No. They're really hard to get. Hardly any of the shows give them. Sometimes if you're
We got to the North Hollywood subway terminal, where they let us out. We huddled in
the cold desert night air in the empty expanse of North Hollywood. I looked around and
marveled that they built a subway that went here. We were surrounded by giant parking lots and
car dealerships. It was like a cruel joke. The closest building was about three blocks away and
I went over to the craft services table that the rest of the extras were huddled around.
"We're lucky we got here first," said an old lady waiting to get some coffee. "When it
When those in front of me cleared out I saw a table full of bagels and donuts. There was
no cream cheese or anything. A giant container of coffee stood there on the table and a cooler full
of Diet Cokes and Sprite sat on the ground. I grabbed a Sprite. Then a PA walked up to us.
"Guys, they need you down there, okay? Everyone down on set."
We all walked down the stairs where a bored crew sat and waited for a lighting change.
"The director has asked that none of the background approach her. That is a serious
warning. Okay? Do not look at her directly, do NOT speak to her, do not stand close to her unless
you are placed there by the background coordinator. If these rules are broken you will be
We were all placed in various locations around the subway when the shot was ready. The
director called action and I walked as I was told, walking right past Jennifer at one point. During
the down time the extras chatted. They were all comparing extra jobs, talking about the best
shows to get work on, and bragging about celebrities they had met. One older guy came up to
me. We started talking and pretty soon he was unloading his life story.
"I was actually a toy maker. I worked for Mattel for many years. That was back when the
toy plants were all still in this country. You know, most of them were developed and
manufactured here. Then the manufacturing moved to China, and I wasn't worried because I was
a designer, you know? I thought they'll never move my job over there."
He nodded.
"The whole office shut down. And I worked in one of the biggest, most secure parts of
the company. It's all in China now. I mean, it's cheaper. It's capitalism. But now I'm broke. My
wife had cancer for a long time, we spent all our money on treatment. When she died I had to sell
the house. I live in an apartment in Van Nuys now. I used to live in Malibu. Can you believe
that?"
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The guy had years of worry on the wrinkles of his face. He had to be in his late fifties.
"So I do this now. Because what I was trained to do, what I did for twenty-five years, it's
so specific that there's nothing comparable available now. It's all in China. The whole industry
moved to China. I tell you, thirty years ago, forty years ago, this was a different city. There were
industries here. There were jobs for everyone. Now there's just this. TV is still here, and there's
always extra jobs. But a lot of people lost their jobs in the last fifty years when the aerospace
industry shut down, the toy industry, and tons of other jobs moved overseas."
"Wow."
Later during a break we were up on the street waiting for the next shot. An old lady was
complaining about being hungry, but all we had on our table were some stale bagels and donuts.
Just then about ten pizzas got delivered to the crew's craft services table. She went right over and
"No!" one of the extras cried out in warning as she opened the pizza box and grabbed a
slice. But it was too late. She ate it as the other extras came running towards her.
"Oh no," she gasped in a thick accent. She sounded Russian. "Oh no..."
"They are going to fire me," she sobbed as the others comforted her. "They will tell
Central Casting..."
"Just tell them it was a mistake," they said. "Hopefully they will understand."
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A stressed out young PA came over to carry a bunch of pizza boxes down to the set. The
woman stopped him. She looked at the ground as she began her confession.
"I am sorry, but I was hungry and I take a piece of pizza, I do not know it is for the
crew..."
At about five in the morning they let us go and drove us back to the studio. I sat next to
"Hollywood."
"Oh, hey, I'm gonna have to ask you for a ride home, son. I don't got my car right now.
On the way home he told me I was a good-looking young kid. I sped down the freeway to
get home as soon as possible. I was hungry and tired. Then as we were getting off the freeway at
Hollywood he touched my leg. I ignored it and he didn't do it again. Then he started laughing a
"Is the corner okay?" I said when I got to Hollywood and Western.
"Oh yeah, right, long night! Yeah, I feel you. Well, do you want to give me your number?
34
Syd was in Florida and wasn't watching over me so I went to the beach. It was the one in
Santa Monica just a block or two from Main St. It was north of Venice so none of the Venice
freaks were there. It seemed like a neighborhood beach and I always fantasized about living in
one of the cottages a block from the mellow Pacific. I couldn't lie, it would be nice to have a wife
and kids in a nice house by the beach. I didn't want to end up like Syd. The more he told me not
to get married the more I wanted to someday. He wasn't a ringing endorsement for bachelordom.
Sitting there I wondered if I would ever do more extra work. I couldn't see it going
anywhere. The desperate people in the background profession had a kind of poverty of the spirit I
hadn't seen before. I just could not believe how much poverty there was in this city, and I
couldn't believe the depth of the poverty. It wasn't just poor people, it was poor people without a
I felt poor as well, working side by side with all the lost wanderers of Los Angeles. I
didn't know what to do with myself. Working with Hollywood Syd Ross would take me nowhere,
my auditions where going nowhere, and I had no one to complain to. I needed to be showered
with love, to be cherished. My parents were out of my life and hundreds of miles away. I was just
another one of the lost and wandering of the great American city of the future, staring at the sea
When I got back from the beach Syd called from Florida.
"I did my gig last night, Mark. It was great. They loved me. I tell you, it was phenomenal.
You have to start working on a stand-up routine you can do to open up for me. Call Kim. She'll
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help you out. But it'll be great, I'll give you a good introduction. Not like the kind Bill the Drunk
used to give for me. That prick. He would say, 'Hollywood Syd has the worst jokes you've ever
heard, I'm ashamed to introduce this talentless piece of garbage to you.' That kind of shit. But I'll
give you a good intro, you know, like 'This is a young kid who's played to hundreds of packed
houses all across the country!' They don't know! See, the thing with audiences is you can tell
them anything. They'll believe anything you say. So work on your routine. I can't wait to go on
Scooter and the Geech. It'll be great. I'll try to mention the book if I can."
He told me that he would be sending me a check for that week as well as a check for his
rent that I was to deliver to his landlord. He told me to call Kim and we signed off. I called Kim
but she wasn't there so I left a message. Her voice sounded much younger than her thirty-nine
Later Syd called to tell me he would be putting his rent check in the mail, so look out for
it. And he put a diagram of his apartment complex showing where to drop the check. Then he
told me what a phenomenal worker I was and that if I stuck in there he would pay me better once
some money started coming in. Then he told me his plans for Scooter once he gets on. He had
graphs and charts showing how things changed when he was on the show - how the ratings
increased, how the weather improved nationwide, the stock market went up, crime went down,
the divorce rate went down- that kind of stuff. We had a good laugh over that and I told him it
A few days later I had to wake up early so I could record his appearance on the show,
which I hadn't listened to in about four or five years. It was just a bunch of obnoxious New
Yorkers yelling at each other. Everyone was like Syd Ross. I turned the radio on at about seven
that day, and they were all making fun of Bill the Drunk, talking about some date he had gone
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on.
"So you met her at the Black Angus??" Scooter was saying as people yelled and laughed
in the background.
"Bill, you are such a schmuck," the Geech shouted as everyone laughed. "Did you drink
"Bill, this is why you will never get women, okay? First of all, you're stupid, you couldn't
hold a conversation with a fly, second of all, that beer gut you got, and you can't even shave your
face right! Look, you got hair in little splotches all around your face, you're a COMPLETE
SCHMUCK!"
The studio erupted in laughter. There were always at least seven or eight people on the
Then the Bill the Drunk song played. "He's a druuuunk" crooned a choir of women in the
"Okay," the Geech said, "now we're going to do something very special here on the
Scooter and Geech show. We're going to give all the stupid freakin' morons who have been
kicked off this show for not being funny a very special chance to get back on. We do this not
because we have to for ratings purposes, in fact this is probably hurting our ratings as we speak,
but we do this just because we are kind-hearted. We at the show know that you little maggots
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have no lives outside of our show, and this breaks our heart. So now we will give you another
small taste of fame so you can make YOUR case as to why we let you back on the show. Okay?
Each contestant has thirty seconds. First on will be Hollywood Syd Ross. Hollywood? Get in
here."
Everyone booed as Syd made his way into the studio. He got to a microphone.
"Hi Scooter, hi Geech, hi Bill the Drunk, I just want to say, I am so happy to get back on
"What are all those signs for??" Bill the Drunk shouted.
A round of shouts and boos went up as Syd tried to explain what the signs were for. Most
of his thirty seconds was swallowed up by people shouting at him and laughing.
"Okay Syd, your time is up," said the Geech. "Please escort him from the studio."
"Well that was painful!" Scooter said in his deep New York Jewish drone.
"No wonder he's off the show," Bill the Drunk said. "That's why I kept telling you guys to
They moved on to the other contestants and I turned off the show. It was too awful. This
35
My agent got me an audition for an independent movie. He said it was a horror movie
called "Beast." I went to the place in the hills and it was at someone's house. This was a really
low-budget film. I walked into the little house on the narrow street overlooking the city and a
small production team was sitting in the living room drinking coffees and chatting.
"Yeah," said a guy on the couch. He got up to shake my hand. "I'm Reggie. Nice to meet
you."
They all sat there and looked at me with a strange look in their eyes. I stood and waited.
"Did you want my headshot?" My agent had told me to always, ALWAYS bring it to
auditions.
"Uh, sure," said Reggie absently. He took it and kept looking at me. He had to be in his
"So Mark," said a woman. "Do you know about this project? Did your agent tell you what
this was?"
"Yeah. Kind of like that. The thing is, you see, we have kind of a low budget. But it's
going to be a really great film. And we have a scene where the main character is running through
the city at night, and everyone he finds has been killed by the Beast."
"He just keeps finding the bodies," said a bald guy at a laptop on the couch without
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looking up.
"Okay. Wow."
"And what we need in this scene is a victim. He's running through an alley and he finds
"We'll make you look really gross," said the girl. "Because the Beast kills people by
"We have a great makeup guy who will fix you up," said the bald guy.
"Uhhhm," said Reggie slowly, thinking. "Would it - could I get you to actually lie down
"And just move your head over this way," he said, gently pushing my head to the side.
"And put your leg a little like this. Okay. Hmmmmm. That's good, and now let's get your arm
"Yeah," said the bald guy, picking up a camera. "That's good." He started filming.
"Okay Mark, if you could just hold still and look dead, that would be great."
"Okay," Reggie said, "I think this is going to work. You can get up now."
I left and drove out of the hills to get a cup of coffee. I spent the rest of the day editing
Syd's book. I tried to make it as comprehensible as I could but it was hard because all I had to
work with was a series of little blurbs he had written using the Globe and other tabloids as his
sources. Most of them were little more than a paragraph long and full of run-on sentences about
The next day I got a call from the producer of the movie, Michelle. She told me I had the
part of Dead Guy in Alley, which made me very excited, since it was my first paying acting job.
The night of the shoot I got to the parking lot on Main St. It was a grungy part of
downtown, full of hobos pushing shopping carts. After five o'clock there was no one in the whole
downtown area accept bums. There was a big downtown revitalization project going on, which
meant developers were putting up lofts and condos faster than you could believe. White people
were moving there only to realize downtown was a dirty and dangerous haven of drugs and
crime. The problem was the community of thousands upon thousands of dirty, drug-addicted
bums who lived down there. It was getting more and more clear that it was pretty near
impossible to move thousands of homeless people to another part of town in a few years. I
couldn't see a winner in the whole scheme aside from the developers.
I parked in the lot by the trailer. A small crew stood there by the craft services. The
"You must be Mark! Well, let's get you in the chair. We have a lot of work to do to make
So I sat while she put a whole new face on me. After about forty-five minutes she was
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done and I looked in the mirror. The whole left side of my face, including my left eye, was
covered with a prosthetic scar full of realistic fake maggots. Blood cascaded down my face and
neck.
"Oh, that's good. Yeah, good job with the blood. Can we get even more blood around the
eye? I just want it to be disgusting. And then we can have you on the set, Mark."
She put more blood on me and I walked over to the alley where they were shooting.
When I entered the alleyway I stopped, shocked. The entire alley smelled like urine. A pool of
liquid ran through the center of the alley and trash was everywhere, the smell nearly making me
gag. I heard a radio on my right and saw a bum residing in a complex network of boxes and
several shopping carts. He was sleeping to the sound of talk radio. As I walked pairs of eyes
looked out at me from the dark. They were behind blankets, on top of trash bins. There was even
Way down the alley was the film crew, which was small. I walked up to them and Reggie
There was some cardboard for me to lie on so I didn't lie in the muck. We did the first
couple shots, most of me just lying there looking dead. Reggie kept telling me to stop breathing
because the camera was picking it up, so I tried to hold my breath as long as I could. In between
shots I just lay there staring up at the sky through the towering buildings of downtown. The night
was really warm and comfortable. The makeup girl kept coming to dump more blood on my face
167
and all around me on the ground. A strange sense of peace settled on me sometime during that
night. I think I accepted things as they were. If my life was going to be this bizarre, then so be it.
If this city was, at its core, a series of strange, coexisting realities, then that was life, and I had to
accept it.
I thought of the William James I had read. His idea of pluralism, that is, many separate
pockets of reality, was new at the time he wrote it in the early 1900's. Up until then philosophers
had just accepted the idea that there was one ultimate reality. But nowadays in Los Angeles you
had to accept the truth of William James' ideas. There was no unity in the opposing worlds of
And then, lying there in the alley, I thought about David Hume's idea I had just read
about. The way I understood it reality was, to him, a series of unconnected phenomena. The
mind, to preserve its own sanity, provides the missing links in what we witness to make it seem
like everything follows logically. But when we penetrate beyond this veil of reality we cannot
In the middle of a shot in which the main character stumbles upon my body a ruckus
began down the alleyway. We all stopped shooting and looked up. Two bums were having a
yelling match and one of them was stealing the other's shopping cart. We had to wait while the
fight played out. It ended with both bums leaving, one without his cart. Then a bum wandered
into the alley from the opposite direction, seeing the lights and cameras. He walked up to me and
saw the blood all over the ground. His face turned white as a sheet.
"Oh, we're making a movie," said the boom operator. "That's all fake blood."
"Oh my God, man, thank God. I thought something crazy happened over here. Hey man,
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"Oh, yeah, that's cool. Hey, can you spare a little change? I'm homeless down here.
Anything helps."
"Sure, man. Here you go." He reached into his pocket and gave the guy some change. He
I was wrapped at about 3:30 in the morning, so I got my check and went home to wash all
36
The day after Syd got back from Florida he called from the Ryan Seacrest Show, which
taped at Hollywood and Highland. He had been in the audience and was really jazzed. He told
me that he had gotten tickets for the Jimmy Kimmel show, which taped across the street. So I
went to his house at 6:00 in order to give us enough time to get into the show. When I got there
he looked at my shirt.
"Uhh...no. "
He got out a sweater from his closet that was grey with a brown bar across and a collar.
I went into the bathroom and looked in the mirror. It was too small for me and I looked
like the singer in an emo band. We went to the show in my car and parked in the underground lot
beneath the Hollywood and Highland complex. Then we got in line in front of the theater, Syd
carrying a sign that said "I love the Jimmy Kimmel Show." When we got in they confiscated it.
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Eventually we got into the theater and a fat, bald, obnoxious guy came out to warm up the
"I know this guy, he's a douchebag. I've known him for years, he does stand-up at the
Laugh Factory."
The show began. It wasn't one of the best. The guests were Tony Shalhoub and some
blonde lady who was dating Bruce Willis. After the show we left and went to get some pizza
because we were starving. We were standing there waiting on the street when a pretty woman in
"Could you guys help us out?" she asked. "I need to get a taxi, where's the best place to
get one?"
"Sunset? That's close. We'll give you a ride, won't we, Mark?"
"Okay, sure."
She protested, but Syd insisted. It turned out she was in town from New Jersey on
business. She worked for a pharmaceutical company and had also just seen the Jimmy Kimmel
Show. Once we got our pizza we walked down the street, Syd pointing out landmarks on
Hollywood Boulevard. He was joking and charming her. She wanted to go to the Chinese
Theater to see the handprints, so we took her there. Everything was fine and dandy. And then she
"I'm a writer. I'm working on a book about the Clintons. They belong in prison."
He went on and on about the Clintons and she seemed to agree, which amazed me. The
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more she agreed, the louder and more vitriolic he became. We started walking through the mall
We got into an elevator and took it down but just ended up on Hollywood where we had
come from.
"Where's the car, Mark? Do you remember where we parked at all?" He was shouting.
"I think so," I said. I led them around a corner but there was just an escalator going up.
We got on it and ended up inside the mall, nowhere near the parking garages.
"Find the car, Mark! Find the fucking car!" He was freaking out.
"I'll just take a taxi," said the girl as she started to walk away.
"No!" Syd yelled. "Please no, come back." He chased after her.
"Mark, go get the car and meet me on Hollywood Boulevard!" They disappeared down a
stairway. I wandered around the mall for about ten minutes before I found the elevator that went
down to the parking garages. Even then I forgot what level I was on and ended up walking
around the garage for awhile before I found my car. When I got to the exit to pay I realized I
didn't have any cash so I had to dig through my change to find the two dollars, paying with
nickels and dimes and quarters. I finally got out and drove slowly along Hollywood until I saw
"I figured."
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"It was probably the Clinton stuff that freaked her out. I didn't mean to get mad or
anything. I just didn't want to get into a nightmare situation of wandering around the mall forever
So was I.
37
The coffeeshop in Silverlake was closing down because some developer was going to
build a huge apartment complex. Pauline and Sam and I went to their last open mic night. I had
written something to perform, and I hoped I could get a slot because I knew it would be crowded.
We parked on a hill above Sunset Boulevard and walked down the street, Sam stumbling the
whole way because he had been drinking whiskey all day. Pauline's car smelled like incense
because she had gotten hundreds of incense samples from a holistic healing convention she went
to downtown. She told me I could get take as much as I wanted. I told her I would, and I was
"That's good, you should do that. Your energy field has changed since you moved here."
"Really?"
"Yeah. You might not even know this, but since I do so much energy work I can tell
things right off the bat. Your energy has become a lot more complex since you got here. I mean,
"But now there are disturbances. You know? Strange things I pick up. A lot more
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aggressive energy, less positive vibes. Here, let me feel your back for a second."
We stopped in the street while she prodded my back. Sam stopped ahead of us.
"Jesus Christ," he mumbled, and walked on down the hill towards the coffee shop.
The moon was full that night. It hung brightly over the hills of the city as Pauline
"Oh yeah, there's a lot of tension," she said softly. "You have changed a lot, I mean in
ways you might not understand yet. I'm picking up nervous little pockets. What are you so
"Yeah, but they're tense for a reason. Your back feels like a fifty-year old's."
"You could, but it probably wouldn't help. All the tension comes from your mental
energy."
"Whoa."
We went on down to the coffee shop and it wast completely packed. I got a slot in the
middle of the show that was miraculously open. A lot of the performers were locals who had a
bunch of memories from the shop's twenty-three year history and complaints about
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overdevelopment in Silverlake. I didn't care for any of it. I wasn't a regular and I didn't know the
owners of the place. Most of the musicians were bad except for one awesome guy who played a
Finally my turn came and I got up, not saying anything, and began my monologue.
Well Mrs. Crawford, you're probably wondering how your house got so messed up in the
first place. Well listen, I'm gonna tell you. See, when you asked me to housesit for you I was real
excited! Our families have known each other for so long, and I always liked your family. Well
the thing is Mrs. Crawford, I've always kinda wanted to have your family. You have such a nice
house and you all seem so happy-like. I mean, after the factory moved overseas, pop lost his job
and we moved into the poorhouse. I don't got to tell you that. I'm sure you know. So you see when
you asked me to housesit I made up my mind, finally. I left my home and told my family I was
going off to make my fortunes and to start a family of my own! They laughed at me, Mrs.
Crawford. They laughed! But I decided that I would have my new family and I would take care of
Well, since I had your house available all I needed was the family. A family that respected
me, the man of the household. I went to an adoption place but I guess I'm not old enough or
something. They told me all these reasons. So I figured I'd get a pet.
And well, I got rid of your dog Mrs. Crawford. I'm sorry. I never liked Bessie much. I sold her
online. To a Korean business man. You're probably real sore about that. But see, I got some new
pets for the house. They're chickens. See I was taking a drivin' in the countryside in your car- I
found the spare keys, I'm sorry - and I came across a farm with an ad for free chickens. So I got
four chickens from this nice old farmer, I figured they'd make eggs for my new family's breakfast.
And then I was wondering to myself how I would get myself a family, and then it hit me,
just like a thunder-lightnin'. I went to Skid Row downtown, they always got poor families down
there that need a house. I walked down the street and there were so many poor families!
And then I seen 'em. There they was. A nice-lookin' woman and a little girl-child and a
boy-child.
I asked 'em if they wanted to come live with me in my house. Just like that. Plain and
simple.
The boy, you should've seen him Mrs. Crawford, as cute as a button, He looked up with
big old eyes and said, "Mama, are we gonna have a home?"
So I drove 'em back to your house, Mrs. Crawford, and things didn't go so well. It wasn't
my fault. They didn't clean, they raided the kitchen, eatin' most everything they could get their
hands on. The woman, was making phone calls all day long to some man. I told her not to, and
she attacked me with a knife, Mrs. Crawford. I had to hit her over the head with a frying pan.
And the kids, I guess they weren't toilet-trained or nothing, well they pooped all over the house.
I know, I'm disappointed too. I thought I could train 'em to be civilized. And one day a
man showed up at the house. He was a big type, with tattoos and all. He walked up to the house.
And he says "Mallory?" he says, "Where are you, baby? Come out woman! Where are
my children!! Don't make me pound you!" He kicked down the door! The woman and children
were in the living room watching TV. He just went ahead and lost his temper. That's how the
windows, the furniture, and the china got all smashed. I'm real sorry for that. I ran out of the
house and hid in the trees outta my own safety. He dragged Mallory out to the car, she was
kicking and screaming, and put her into the car. He drove off with the kids inside the house. With
175
the chickens. Before you go in the house you might expect to find two very hungry children and a
few dead chickens, or vice versa. Oh, and you might notice your car is missing. I sold it to a
Japanese businessman and I am sorry once more. I guess I don't blame you if you're angry. I can
just ask for your forgiveness. Now Mrs. Crawford, I wish I could stick around but I gotta ramble
on now.
When I finished the crowd erupted in applause. The applause was long and loud, but
people had brought wine into the shop and were passing it around so that was probably the main
reason. I went back and sat down next to Sam, who was drinking from someone's bottle of wine
and even drunker than before. We watched a few more performers and in the middle of some
girl's war protest song someone tapped me on the shoulder. I turned around and a tall, balding
"I liked your monologue," he said in a cultured gay man's voice. "It was hilarious."
"Oh, I've been coming here for years," he said, putting his hand on my shoulder for
"Oh," said the tall man, "Would you mind coming outside for a second? My friend and I
"Oh, okay," I said, getting up. Pauline and Sam looked suspiciously at us as I stepped
outside.
The other guy outside, who was shorter, squat, with bushy Jewish hair, threw a cigarette
on the ground and stubbed it out with his foot. He put out his hand and I shook it.
"I'm Abe," said the tall gay one, who bore a strange resemblance to John Waters.
"Okay," Jake said, "The thing is, Abe and I are working on this show for MTV, it's like a
"Very edgy. A lot of strange, quirky characters, a lot of non sequiturs, a lot of really weird
funny sketches."
"Stoner comedy."
"Okay."
"Your stuff is perfect, man," said Jake. "Have you written a lot of monologues?"
"This kid has written some of the craziest stuff I've ever seen at this coffee shop. You
"Hey, if we called you in for an audition, could you, like, do a couple of your
monologues? Because this is the exact kind of stuff we've been looking for."
"Yeah, and less writing for me," joked Abe, the brains of the operation.
"Yeah, I could do that," I said, my heart palpitating wildly. "What's the name of the
show?"
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"Monkey Brains."
I nodded.
"Here, can you write your contact info on one of my cards?" Jake said, handing me a
card. It was an official MTV card that identified him as Jacob Rosen, Assistant Vice President of
Production at MTV studios. I wrote down my phone number and gave it back to him. He gave
"Would you be able to come in a little later this week? Maybe do a couple of monologues
for us?"
"Great."
"Why didn't you go home with the fags?" Sam slurred as he stumbled back to the car.
"Oh, he's depressed. He hasn't had a job in awhile 'cause pilot season is over."
"That sucks."
"So what were you guys talking about out there? Making deals?"
"Oh, go for it! Get that job. You can stop working for that crazy guy you told me about."
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Oh my God, I thought. She just dismissed Hollywood Syd Ross in a single sentence.
Would I have to desert him that coldly? I knew that eventually I would have to, because
ultimately he was a loner and nobody was obligated to help him. But we were so far from
finishing the book. It was his own fault, I guessed. He just kept writing more stuff, going off on
tangents.
The next day Jake's assistant called to schedule an appointment at his office in Santa
Monica. It was for Friday, two days away. I spent those whole days working on my monologues.
Syd called a couple of times but I didn't answer the phone. I suddenly felt like he was only going
On Friday I went into the office in Santa Monica. It was a nice, sprawling compound a
few blocks from the beach. I told the receptionist I was here to see Jake.
"Oh, you must be Mark," she said. "He's been raving about you."
"Oh, good."
I sat down to wait and couldn't believe this was happening. It was just as unbelievable as
the rest of the weirdness that had happened since I got to this city. After about ten minutes Jake
"Oh, great." He took it. "This isn't so much of an audition, actually...we're in the middle
We walked into a big conference room where about five or six young men and women sat
around, languidly drinking cokes and bottled waters. A few executives were at the far end of the
"Guys, this is Mark. He is the discovery I was telling you about. I thought he could solve
some of our time and budget problems. Hey Mark, do you want a water or something?"
"Sure." I was parched. A production assistant ran out of the room and got me an
Aquafina.
"So, do you want to do some of your monologues for us?" Jake asked.
"Sure. I guess I'll start with this one. It's called 'Stuffing Envelopes.'"
I stood in the conference room in front of them all. They looked like they'd been working
long, stressful hours, dealing with MTV execs and wanted some distraction. With this in mind I
began.
"So I was stuffing envelopes at my last job and the job wasn't very good. But I couldn't
think of anything else to do. And I didn't have any skills. I still don't, but anyway. The place I
worked was this company. I think they made pharmaceutical products, but I'm not sure. I worked
in the publicity department. I had the job of stuffing the envelopes and sending them out. I think
they were letters to potential clients, but I didn't really pay attention. I spent most of the time
staring at this girl, she answered the phones. She was really pretty, and she smiled at me all the
time. She was dark hair, nice, like someone I would bring home to mom. She knew my name, she
always said, 'Hey, Roger.' Sometimes I said hey but I never got her name. I don't know why, I
guess I was worried she wouldn't like me. And my boss David- what a jerk! He kept singling me
out, telling me I was the weak link in the publicity department. I never talked back or anything,
cause I need the job. He would go, 'Roger! You're too slow. Roger! Go faster. Roger! You don't
get a lunch break today. Just stuff those envelopes.' I never complained, because some people
don't even have jobs. And I guess David had his eye on the receptionist girl, how was I supposed
to know? Because one day I got up the nerve to talk to her. He had told me that I couldn't go to
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lunch that day, but I was tired of not getting lunch. And I was tired of not talking to the cute girl.
I knew she was single because I heard her talking on the phone to some friend. She was like, 'It's
so hard being single in this city, you have to hook me up with someone.' So I figured I would go
up and ask her to lunch. And I went up to her right before lunch was about to start. I never talk
to girls like that, so I was really nervous. And I was like, 'Hey, so you want to- I mean, are you
gonna-do you wish to-what I am trying to say is that I would like-ummm, how about burritos?'
And she just looked at me and said 'Okay, we can go to lunch.' I was like, 'Really?' And she said,
'Hold on, let me get my jacket.' She went into the employee lounge and when she was in there
David came up to me. He's all whispering, he goes, 'Hey, jerkoff! That's my girl. Don't touch
her.'
'Ummm…alright.'
'You know what? You have an attitude, man. I'm gonna take care of you later.'
'What?'
'Meet me after lunch in the parking lot. If you can handle me, you earn my respect. I
won't keep you in for lunch anymore and I won't bust your chops. But ONLY if you kick my ass.'
'Uh, Roger won't be joining you for lunch today, he had some work to do.'
'Oh, okay.'
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David took her out to lunch. It made me mad to see him do that.
When he got back I was waiting in the parking lot. I was going to take him down. I made
up my mind. I wasn't going to take anymore humiliation at my work-place. And if I didn't stand
up for myself now, I never would. So he walked up to me, with this look on his face.
I stared at him for a second. Then I ran towards him and we fell on the ground. I had him
by the throat and I was strangling him! I was going to win! He was begging, like 'I'm sorry,
We looked up and there were two of them, they were military helicopters. 'What the hell is
this?'
A voice came from the choppers. 'ATTENTION- The area is quarantined. You must not
And army men came down with parachutes. They had big costumes on, like astronauts.
They were covered from head to toe, with big masks on. The leader came up to the crowd
They were building a fence around the parking lot to keep us in! He gave us all masks to
wear and told us there was a very serious virus released from an unknown source. We've been
here for three days now, with the army doctors watching us. David was the first to go. The boils
came to his skin. His skin fell off slowly and the army took him away before he died. One by one
they have taken us away when the boils started. And I believe the rest of us will follow, taken by
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the virus."
There were smiles and some laughs. Jake and Abe were enjoying it immensely. I didn't
know what they had in mind or what the show was even about, but I liked being there and doing
my monologues.
There were some nods and grunts, so Jake nodded to me. I ended up doing two more of
them, ones I'd done already at the coffee shop. They all thanked me warmly and I left.
Driving home on the ten freeway I didn't think much of what would happen. I had come
to accept what the city brought to me. I had to trust that the city operated with some justice and
The next day Syd called to rant about Hillary Clinton, how she wanted another eight
years of Clintons in the White House and would stop at nothing to get it. But I wasn't really
listening like I did before. I was thinking about many other things.
The next day I got a call from Jake himself, who had a sound in his voice like he had
"I was talking with the producers and the writers, and we love your stuff, man. It just fits
perfectly with the show. Do you think you could write a lot of monologues? In the same style?
"Okay, that's good to hear. I think we're gonna hire you on as a writer and performer, does
"Uh-huh."
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"Great. Everyone is really excited. See, our budget was just cut in half, which means
we're losing most of our writers and a lot of the money we were going to spend on production.
So you're gonna come in real handy. I think it'll be funny if we have you doing your stuff and put
a background behind you, like a cabin in the woods or the office from that one monologue."
"Oh, cool."
"Yeah. I'm excited. So, if I could get your address, so we can send over the tax forms and
everything, that would be great. Just fill those out so you can be official and get on the payroll,
then bring them into the office, and we'll be calling you to discuss things. Sound good?"
"Yeah..."
I gave him my address and we hung up. Over the next few days I had many phone calls
from Jake's assistant and others to touch base about the show, which had been picked up by MTV
but had lost much funding at the last minute. I had a meeting set up at the studios with the
creators and other actors about the first episode, which would be a collection of sketches and
One day the payroll woman called to find out my social security number. I told her.
"Two weeks from now your first check will come," she said in the dry manner of
someone who processes paychecks for a living. I asked her how much it would be for. When she
told me I thanked her very much and hung up. It was much more than Hollywood Syd Ross
"Yeah."
"No."
"Yeah."
"No, no, no, you are so much more than an employee. You know it. You are his
After awhile Sam went inside to go to bed and I was left alone, staring at the starless
38
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Syd called. He wanted to meet at Noah's to give me some more chapters of the book.
"I have some great stuff, this is about some more of the people the Clintons murdered.
This is insane, you won't believe this. I mean, it is an outrage that no one has held them
"Yeah...you know Syd, I need to tell you...I think I'm going to have to quit."
"What?"
"It's more money, but that's not it. It's a good opportunity."
"What is it?"
"I'm gonna be on this show, it's on MTV. It's a comedy show, I'll be doing characters and
stuff."
"That's too bad, I really need you to finish this book. I can't do it without you. You know,
He sighed deeply.
"Well, I'll need the disks of the book, all the stuff you've edited so far."
"Okay."
I didn't need the money and it was pocket change compared to what I was making.
His voice was defeated and lost. I drove down to Larchmont Village a few hours later
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with the disks. I parked on the street and found him sitting out in front of Noah's. He was going
"You know, you're really fucking me on this. You're really screwing me over."
"It's just unbelievable, people are so fucking selfish in this city. I thought, you know I
thought you were on the same page as me, I thought you wanted to bring these people to justice.
You're just like Scooter, the Geech, Bill the Drunk, all those people. They don't care about
anybody else, just their own careers. You know, I give Kim three thousand dollars a month out of
generosity. I'm not getting anything out of it. People in this country are too selfish. No one is
He just sat there, shaking his head. I put the disks down on the table. He fished through
"So you're doing a TV show, that's great. I labor in this city for twenty years and end up
in the dumpster and here you are, you didn't even try. You haven't lived, you haven't suffered.
You never paid your dues. You know, I don't even know how to work a computer, I can't finish
this book on my own. I don't know how you were editing this thing. My whole project is fucked
now."
"You're leaving?"
"Yeah."
"Well, I wish you the best of luck, I do. You're a talented kid, you deserve more than
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being my assistant."
"Thanks, Syd."
I walked away and went to my car. When I looked back he was still sitting there, fuming.
But I knew he was resigned to my leaving. There was just nothing he could do about it.
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I didn't see Syd for a long time. It seemed like he wasn't seen around town as much. I
have no idea what he did with the book. I started to think he had given up his public persona
until I was driving down Melrose about six months later. I had left the studio at rush hour and I
was on my way home when I heard cars honking ahead of me. As I got up to the intersection I
It can't be, I thought. But it was. As I passed Highland I saw clearly, right on the corner
by the Shell station, an old man with wavy gray hair dancing maniacally and holding a sign. I
strained to see what he had written. Honk if you hate Hillary. He was so lost in his rapture that he
I drove right through the intersection and smiled to myself. I was glad. Part of me didn't
want Hollywood Syd Ross to lose his spirit. That would take all the fun out of the city. As much
the sun was setting across the Hollywood hills. The Hollywood sign loomed over the city, calmly
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watching over the chaos of traffic and commerce. The clouds had turned extravagant shades of
pink and orange. There truly was magic hidden everywhere, for those willing to go find it.