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7. The Overly-Bonded with Mother Wound

You know, most men who enter life with a strong sense of themselves
and emotional stability, a strong character and clear direction – most men
who enter life that way – stand kind of like I’m standing here with my two
legs -- stand on two legs of their own.
Two strong pillars of support for their masculinity. One is an involved dad
and the other is a nurturing mom. The fact is that’s how nature intended it
to be. That’s how every boy was meant to have legs, so to speak, for his
manhood.
The problem is – and that’s what we’ve been seeing the last several
weeks – is that oftentimes those pillars of support for our masculinity have
cracks in them. Those cracks weaken and as a result as we’re growing up
through the critical moments of life, those pillars give way and strength is
replaced by instability. Health is replaced by hurt, and for us growing up as
little boys and finally stepping out into the full sunshine of manhood,
oftentimes what we find is not legs to stand on, but amputations. Those
amputations then make life as a man difficult - and hard - and a struggle.
These last few weeks, as you know, we’ve been looking at the first of
those new pillars, and that is ‘dad,’ - a pillar of manhood. What we want to
do here in Session 7 of the Quest for Authentic Manhood is look at that
second one, called ‘mom.’ Mom is a very, very important influence in a
man’s life, as we’re going to find out in this session. I want to make one
qualification here as I start. We’ve got to look at this for just a moment.
I’m not picking on your mother. Okay? What I’m going to be doing
here this morning, is exploring the influence of a mom on a man’s life. How,
sometimes unknowingly, that influence which she meant for good can end
up as a wound in a man’s life.
In their book The Mom Factor, Drs. Henry Cloud and John Townsend write
these words:
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“Other than dad, no one has influenced more the person you are today
than your mother. The way she has handled your needs as a child
has shaped your worldview, your relationships, your marriage, your
career, your self-image, your life. What we learn in our relationship
with our mother deeply affects every area of our adult life now.”
And we know that to be true. Mom goes deep in the male psyche.
You know, a lot of times, they have recorded airline pilots right as they’re
going down to crash, you know in those little black boxes? Recently, as they
were replaying one of those little black boxes as the pilot was trying to get
control of the aircraft, right before it hit the ground, the last words were,
“Mom.”
It’s like we went all the way down to the primal beginning of life and
there at the very core stands mom. She’s a powerful influence over a man’s
life. Unfortunately, sometimes the influence that mother has in your life
leaves a wound. Kevin is one example of this.
Let me read you an illustration from the life of Kevin:
Kevin loved his wife. He adored her, but he was not strong enough in
his own right to say ‘no’ to her. The chief area that he experienced this
was in his own need for time with a hobby or with friends. When he
wanted space in which to pursue a hobby or to be with friends, she
wanted him home. He could not stand up for his own separateness.
He would comply - then resent her - then his feelings of love for her
would begin to disappear. This pattern continued until finally his
resentment built up to the point that he actually left her. He
complained that he felt smothered and controlled. What he could not
see -- what he could not see – what he could not see was that this was
his own fault. Kevin had never established boundaries with his own
mom. A strong-willed woman, she was content to be in control of him,

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and he had never left her. So, instead of leaving mom and cleaving to
his wife, he turned his wife into mom and left her instead.
This is one of the most common divorce scenarios that occur in men’s
lives. Men see the controlling woman as the problem, but they fail to
deal with their own flimsy boundaries. If they had established good
boundaries with their mothers, they would not fear being controlled by
their wives or their girlfriends. “Stop controlling me!” would turn into
“No. I don’t want to.” Men often see their wives and girlfriends as the
controlling mothers that they’re not strong enough to deal with and so
they leave.”

Now I tell you the story of Kevin because I want you to see a point
here. One that you’re going to recognize real quickly, and that’s this: much
of what Kevin was dealing with in his marriage – remember this -- was
simply unfinished business. He’s still walking around with mom’s apron
strings. He didn’t know it. He never analyzed it. He never did what we
talked about several weeks ago and that is to look back to find out why am I
the way I am? Instead, he deals ignorantly in the now - fighting phantoms
that he can’t see and thinking this person is the problem, when the roots of
the problem go way back to that suitcase he carries along with the apron
that’s in it. This is what we call “the Mom Factor.” It’s prevalent in a lot of
men’s lives - believe it or not.
A healthy relationship with mom requires two significant breaks, guys.
The first is from physical bondedness. Most of you know about that one.
When a newborn baby who’s been part of the mother’s body for nine months
– like you were at one point, you were literally one with your mother for
those 9 months - suddenly there comes a moment where you have to be
separated from her. But to be separate from her requires an unnatural

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break; one that she can’t necessarily do for herself. And at birth, there has
to be this cutting of the umbilical cord.
But did you know that for many moms that moment is deeply
significant? Because in that cut, the comfortable relationship that mom had
with her child – that she had grown accustomed to - suddenly that radically
changes, and she can no longer relate to the child the way she once did.
That relationship has literally been cut off.
A change has occurred, and for some women, that change is so difficult
emotionally, that she suffers from what is called ‘post partum blues.’
Sometimes it becomes ‘post partum depression,’ because it’s so
difficult to deal with. Literally, after the parting blues. Because the
relationship has changed. Now, most every woman eventually gets over this
transition from oneness to separateness.
But there’s a second separation that a lot of moms don’t make and
never get over; or have difficulty handling. It is a separation that is far more
important than cutting this physical umbilical cord. It occurs when a son is
seeking to go from being a “mama’s boy” to being a man in his own right.
In that moment, another kind of cut is desperately needed. That cut is the
cut from emotional bondedness. It is extremely important for mom to
willingly give up or lose her emotional hold over your life, and my life. This
is a very traumatic thing that far exceeds the physical separateness.
A lot of cultures recognize this need. It’s interesting that many
primitive cultures recognize the need for the emotional cut. Not along ago, I
was reading a story of a primitive tribe. They have a very elaborate
ceremony to bring this about. When the son is just about at puberty, the
tribe arranges for this traumatic moment. The women in the tribe are given
kind of a ‘heads up’ on it. Then late in the night, the men in the tribe dress
up as warriors and they come, beating drums with lighted torches, yelling
and screaming. They rush into the mother’s hut and grab the child – the

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son. The mother, knowing all this is going to happen, still plays into it and
she’s screaming, “My boy! My boy!” And he’s screaming “Mama! Mama!
Mama!”
The warriors pull the son from the mother’s arms, as he cries and reaches
out for mom.
Then with drums beating, they carry the son out into a new life, and from
that day forward he lives with the men – never to live with mama again. In
that traumatic cut, he understands – as painful as it is – that he’s no longer
to relate to mama. He’s to relate to the community of men. He’s crossed
over.
Now, we’re going to explore some of those different ways of bonding.
Some of them are very deeply entrenched. Some of them are just lightly
connected, but because there’s no clear separation, a lot of guys in their
30’s, 40’s, 50’s and even 60’s, still have this connection to both worlds.
That’s why it’s difficult for those men to fully and separately identify into the
world of men, and to express manhood at a deeply emotional level, because
they still have ties back to mom.
Here’s how Dr. Cloud and Dr. Townsend summarize all this:
“To understand what is going on with men in the relational world, we
must first look at some developmental patterns in their childhood. In
the beginning, the young male is connected to mom. If things go well,
with the “attaching mom” he learns to feel comfortable with his
dependency on her, bonding, needing and connecting are comfortable
and he enjoys being close. He’s one with mom. But then he begins to
separate from her in the second and third year of life, and moves out
of oneness into a separate identity. It’s important that he not only
become a separate person, but that he become secure in his gender
identity. Later, as he moves away from mom and towards dad for
identification with male identity, he accomplished two things:

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1) He becomes a separate person, attaching to his father and gaining

more autonomy from the oneness with mom, and
2) in his attachment to his father and identification with him as a male,
he gains gender identity. From this strong base, he becomes someone
who is comfortable with connection and dependence on someone, but
separate enough to be autonomous an individual away from his object
of dependency. He also becomes secure in his male identity; in short,
he can love mom and be independent from her all at the same time.
And then later, he finds a woman to whom he can have a significant
attachment and he marries, and with all of this secure identity, he is
strong and separate with his new love when it comes to boundaries
and limits, and he stays free of her control, and yet, he’s comfortable
with both his and her perfections, and now sees her as a person he
can relate intimately with. And in this way, he’s come full circle. He
has successfully returned to the woman, but as an individual in his
own right.”

So, real health for a man goes this way. Let me just give it to you in
this little diagram. You can fill it in. From oneness with mom literally, to a
healthy physical separation; to a healthy emotional separation, to finally a
healthy oneness with a woman relationally, called his wife. Did you know
the book of Genesis pictures this really well – in just one phrase –Genesis,
Chapter 2 says: “For this cause (that’s speaking of marriage, of ultimately
moving into an intimate relationship with a woman) For this cause, a man
shall leave (and by the way, the word in Hebrew for ‘leave’ is “to cut.” It’s
speaking of this cutting – just like cutting an umbilical cord)…shall leave his
father and his mother, and shall cleave (in a healthy way) to his wife,
and they are able to become one flesh.”

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The reason they’re able to become one flesh is because his ties are not
back to his family and, in particular, he’s still not connected with his mom.
That’s how he can relate successfully to his wife.
Now, that’s the way it should be. But often it’s not, because often
mom, for one reason or another –in one way or another – refuses to let go
and that creates what I call the Mother Wound. Let me give you a definition
for the Mother Wound: It’s an unhealthy emotional relationship with mother
that causes a son to either be threatened by the influence of women later on
his life, or to over-identify and become submissive to that influence.
Now, here are some important characteristics about this wound.
First, this wound is not blatant. This wound is subtle.
Secondly, the Mother Wound is not one of abuse. It’s a wound
disguised as love and caring. That’s part of the reason this wound is so hard
to deal with --because it looks so nurturing, and caring and loving. It’s like
the Trojan Horse. Some of you guys – if you remember your Greek
mythology, you remember the Greeks trying to conquer the city of Troy and
they couldn’t get in because the walls were so high. So what they did is
they built this giant wooden horse and they gave it to the Trojans as a gift.
At least, the Trojans thought it was a gift.
Inside were enemy soldiers.
They set the horse outside the gates, and the Trojans opened the gates and
brought the horse in thinking, ‘gosh, look at this wonderful gift.’ Then while
they were sleeping that night, the top of the horse opened. The Greek
soldiers got out and they conquered the city. That’s the way the Mother
Wound works. You invite it in because it comes in as a gift. But once inside,
it opens up, and things hurt that weren’t intended to hurt. That’s how it
actually impacts a man’s life.
Thirdly, this is not a wound of inattention, like it is with the
Absent Father Wound. This is a wound of over-attention. It’s over-

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involvement, and over-identification with mom.

It’s over-concern which keeps the relationship between a son and a mother
in over time, fused and connected in inappropriate ways. This is a wound
that looks like love, but over a period of time it feels like control.
It felt like love, it presented as love – but it demanded control. That’s
what happens in a lot of guys’ lives because they love their mom. We all love our
mom. But oftentimes that love can turn sour, if we’re not careful.
Now, let’s just ask the question: how does this wound occur?
First, it often begins with an absent or distant father. It doesn’t
mean that dad’s not in the home; he may be in the home. He’s just not
involved in the home and so mom tends to move in and fill the void in some
ways. There are kids who are going to be going to school here in the next
few moments all over the city of Little Rock whose mom is filling the dad
void.
Dad’s making the money, but mom’s filling the void because dad’s absent in
one way or another.
I told you that more and more over the last 50 to 100 years our
modern society has given our young men over to the world of women. They
grow up in homes where mom is the primary presence because dad’s not
there. They go to schools where the schoolteachers are primarily women.
They go to churches where in their Sunday school classes, they have
primarily female teachers and so their whole world becomes a world of
women. Men these days have to figure out masculinity in absentia --
without men.
Interestingly, there’s a new phenomena in the last 20 years where
more and more sons are finishing college and then coming back home to live
with mom and dad. Dad’s thinking, ‘they need to get out on their own’ - but
mom’s welcoming them back. “Come on home, live with us, Son. I’ll wash
your clothes, I’ll continue to feed you and I’ll take care of you.

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I want to continue to be your mom.’ Because there’s no cut—there’s no break -

and that’s so unhealthy.
Sociologist Merriam Levy has written about the over-abundance of
females mentors, (I’m quoting him now) and lack of interaction with male
mentors. Here’s what he says:
“…is a historical peculiarity unlike anything we’ve ever seen…” and the
product that we are reaping is what he calls the ‘feminized man’.
I want you to look at this term for a moment: the feminized man.
What is it?
Don’t confuse it, guys, with the effeminate man, the man who has feminine
physical characteristics or mannerisms. That’s not what we’re talking about.
The ‘feminized man’
can be the toughest, roughest guy you ever want to be around -- on the
outside. But he can
still be feminized.
A feminized man is a man who has learned to act or think in ways that
are more appropriate for women. He’s frequently passive. He waits - he
doesn’t initiate - he doesn’t lead, he follows. He doesn’t take risks; he lets
somebody else assert themselves in the moment. But he’s physically strong
and tough looking – but he defers -- with a lot of young men in his
generation, to women. Let the women be the warriors, the risk-takers, the
leaders.
The roles are reversed and our culture is pumping out dogma that reverses
the roles, while it claims to be making them equal.
A second cause, is inflicted by 1 of 4 types of moms. This can
happen with dad in the home and involved in the home, but it can still be
inflicted by 1 of the 4 types of moms.
The most common type is what I’m going to call the ignorant
mom. . She can be brilliant, but ignorant in the sense that she doesn’t

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understand the power she has over a son’s life. She’s still talking to her son
like a boy.
He’s 18 years old and she’s still going in to wake him up for school.
Do you know sons like that in your home? She’s still covering for him.
She’s still driving him to his doctors’ appointment, or making an
appointment for his haircut - or writing his checks. She’s so over-involved
with love that she is suffocating his masculinity. No wonder when the TV
camera has a sports moment on all those young athletes, they wave to
mom. “Hi, Mom! You’re number 1!” Absolutely.
They may be 23 years old, but she’s still taking care of them.
The second type are what I call needy-hurting moms. These
women who, for one reason or another, have lost their relationship with their
own husbands. So their son is grafted in as the next best male companion.
In a sense, they marry their sons. Their son becomes an unsuspecting
surrogate husband to fill in some way for her unmet needs. As the son
seeks to move into adulthood, losing her son means that she’s going to
become lonely and alone. So she tries to hold on.
Then thirdly, there’s unwilling-to-release moms. These are the
strong and strong-willed dominant types of mom who want and need
control. They’re the ones who say to their son when he’s 28 years old,
‘John, you and Mary are coming to our house for Christmas, aren’t you?’
And he’s powerless to say ‘No, we need to stay home for Christmas this year
with our kids.’
Then finally, there’s the fill-in-the-gap moms. That’s where dad
is absent all the time so mom, of course, fills the gap. But in doing so, she
bonds too deeply to her son.

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So, on your outline, here are the two responses that this wound
creates later on in adult life. You can see if either one of these apply to
you.
Here’s the first one. Men become dominant and controlling
towards women if they had an overly-involved mom at home. They
see all women as a possible threat to their independence and sense of
masculinity. They come to fear intimacy, because if they get too close to a
woman, that woman might control them. They always keep this kind of
barrier up, or what they do instead, is they try to find the woman they can
control. They seek to marry women they can be safe with, but primarily rule
over. They become tyrants in their home. Anytime that soft woman tries to
express her rights and her needs, he sees that as ‘you’re trying to take
control of me.’ So he becomes even harder and more dominant over her life.
Do you see that?
I think the greater number of men have this second response in
adulthood. They become passive and submissive towards women.
Now as an adult with women, his tendency – as he gets close to a woman –
is to become passive and to lean on her too much. Letting her lead too
much – looking for her to take care of me too much, because that’s the way
mom did. In other words, he pulled out that giant umbilical cord he had to
mom, and when he got into adulthood – he pulled it out. Then he began to
look for some other woman he could plug this umbilical cord into, so he
could continue to suck all those things he needed for himself, things like
care and concern; taking care of my feelings and leading me and providing
for me – out of her.

So he tends to go out and marry a stronger woman. He becomes a

‘soft male.’ What he wants in a woman is a mother-wife.

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At the beginning, when he finds her and he marries her, she thinks
she’s marrying a sensitive male. The Alpha male. But in time, she learns to
resent him because he won’t lead and he won’t protect, and he won’t take
risks; and he won’t step forward and she gets tired of it.
He’s passive.

The healthy path with mom should have been physical and emotional
oneness with mom in the early years. Then a healthy and complete
separation in the middle years. Then finally a healthy relational oneness
with the woman he marries in the final years. That’s the way it should be.
Unfortunately, for a number of men it’s not that way.

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