REMAININGVULNERABLE

THROUGHADVERSITY
Myboyfriendpaidmeanunexpectedcomplimenttheotherdaysaying"You
seemtodoreallywellagainstadversity."Iappreciatethatpeopleareableto
seemeinagracefullightevenwhenIfeellikeI'mstruggling.Moreand
moreI'mrealizingthatthewayIgetthroughthetoughestsituationsis
somewhatcounterintuitive.WhenIwanttocurlupintothefetalposition
andcryorgritmyteeth,instead,Iseektoopenmyheartupanbeevenmore
vulnerable.
Formanyyearsthiswasnotmyapproach.Bornintoasomewhattumultuous
familysituationIdevelopedaharddemeanorandprotectiveemotional
barriersasearlyasthethirdgrade.Youcanseethetransitioninmyschool
pictures.Mythirdgradepictureisthelastschoolpicturewheremysmile
reachesmyeyes.Everyyearbookpicturethereafterthereareshadows
wherethetwinklingofinnocenceandjoyshouldhavebeenforoneso
young.Evennowsomeofthisisevidentinmyposture.Iconstantlyhaveto
remindmyselftoopenmyheart,relaxmyshouldersandletmysmileradiate
tomyeyes.Thesearethingsthatforme,takepractice,asitwouldturnout.

At23yearsoldIhadsubstantiallyrepairedmyrelationshipswithmy
motherandsistersandwehadalldonemuchhealingfromthetoxic
relationshipsofourpast.Ilivedbymyselfandhadplentyoftimealoneto
beginthejourneyintomyselfthatledmetorecognizethecoping
mechanismsIhadestablishedasareactionagainstmyenvironment.Ibegan
tosortoutthepartsofmypersonalitythatwerethetrueexpressionof
myself.
Untilthispoint,Ihadbeenwalkingaroundwithanemotionalsocialrange
thatranfrom"tough/punkbitch"to"coldhardfactsscientist"to"goofball
oneofthedudes."Ineitherlovedmyselfnorallowedmyselftobeloved.I
amsogratefulforthecircumstancesthatallowedmethetimeandspaceto

becontemplativeandtosortthisoutandlearntorespondtohardsituations
insteadofreact.

ThemostimportantandfoundationalrealizationthatIhadwasthatIwanted
tobehappyandtoloveandbelovedinreturn.Thesecondrealizationthat
allowedmetobegintobehappyandtolovewastoownthefactthatIam
verysensitive.IamveryawareofmyownshortcomingsandquirksandI
startedtobeawareofhowsocialinteractionsresonatedwithme.Idecreased
theamountoftimeIspentsocializingandincreasedtheamountoftimeI
spentreflectingonhowtheinteractionsimpactedme.Didtheyenergizeor
drainme?Didtheyhurtmyfeelingsormakemefeelawkward?Didthey
makemefeellovedandsecurewithmyquirksandflaws?Ihadlivedfast
andfuriousasalateteen,early20somethingandhadleftmyselfzerotime
forsuchquestions.Butaround23yearsoldIhadthe"midlifecrisis"thatis
notatypicalforanINTJ/Aquarian,sensitive,selfaware,universallyminded
human.
Istartedtoletmyguarddown.Istartedtoexperimentwithdatinghereand
there.AsitwouldturnoutIwasstillalittletooguardedandalittletoo
greenwithmyemotionssoIsteppedthatbackforawhileandstartedtore
examinemyenvironmentandcareer.Irealized,forthefirsttime,thatI
valuedmyvariousskillsenoughtoconsiderswitchingcareersentirely.Iwas
contentinmyenvironmentbutthatwasthecontentmentofapersonwho
wasnotfullyactualized.Imadethedecisiontoleave.Facedwiththe
challengeofpersonalgrowth,insteadofbeingcautiousandguardedI
decidedtobevulnerable.Ipackedupmy700sq.fthouseentirelybymyself,
andlefttomovetoAustin,TxfromAthens,Gawithonlymydogfor
company.
Myadventuresandmisadventurescontinuedandeventuallybroughtmefull
circle,backtoLynchburg,Va.Icontinued,throughout,tochallengehowfar
Icouldtakeexpressinglovetothosearoundme.Ifinallycametoaplace
whereIfeltcomfortablebeinginarelationship.Thatcametoanendand
wasyetanotherchallenge.HowwasItostayopenandexpressloveinthe
wakeofloveending?Livingalone,again,withplentyoftimefor
introspection,Irealizedthattherewassomuchroomforerrorwhen

interactingwithpeoplesocially.Idecided,foratimethatIwasgoingtopare
downmysocializationtime,yetagain.InmyfreetimeIstudiedforand
attainedmyCrossfitL1.ThenIstartedtoreengagewithmycommunityvia
personaltraininginthehopesthatIwouldbeabletobeopenandvulnerable
inthenewendeavorofteachingbutalwaysberemindedofhowspecialall
relationshipsareviathesameconstruct.InawayIwaspracticingyoga
offeringupeachclassasmybesteffortatlovingindividualsandmy
community.
Thatwasthejumpoffpointfortherealyogatobegintheasanapractice,
thepranayamaandmeditationandfinallytheteachertrainingalmostayear
ago,now.Recenttimesarenomoreorlesschallengingthanmypasthas
beenjustdifferent.I'monceagainworkingonvulnerabilityandloveinthe
contextofarelationship,I'vereestablishedsomesemblanceofasociallife
andstrivetobeloving,compassionateandopenthere,too.I'vealsostarted
myownyogabusiness,asyouknowsinceyou'rereadingmyblog.Thisis
oneofthebiggestchallengesIhaveyetfaced.Itisveryeasytojudgemyself
andothersfromabusinessperspectiveunlessIam100%opentopossibility
andsteadfastincompassion.WhenIfindmyselfshrinkingintomyselfat
thispointIamwellenoughpracticedtoknowfullwellthatwhatIneedto
doistoopenupinstead.ItsjustnotanaturalresponseformebutIhada
thoughttoday:HowmuchcouldIreallycongratulatemyselfonbeingopen
totheworldifcashwasraininginandwithinoneyearIwasjetsettingall
overtheworldtoteach.Iamjustgettingpastthebeginnerstagesof
openness.Tosomepeoplelovingandbeingvulnerablecomesnaturally.Its
refreshingandencouragingformetointeractwithpeoplelikethattoshow
mejusthowfarIhavetogo.Butfornow,alladversityisanopportunityto
practiceopennessbeyondthebeginnerlevel.Iacceptthatandamgrateful
forit.