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A Scotsman who was driving home one night, ran into a car driven by an Englishman.
The Scotsman got out of the car to apologize and offered the Englishman a drink from a
bottle of whisky. The Englishman was glad to have a drink.
"Go on," said the Scot, "have another drink."
The Englishman drank gratefully. "But don't you want one, too?" he asked the
Scotsman.
"Perhaps," replied the Scotsman, "after the police have gone."
Submitted by: Ugur Yavuzturk
A man was pulled over for driving too fast, even though he thought he was driving just
fine.
Officer: You were speeding.
Man: No, I wasn't.
What are the three quickest ways of spreading a rumour (or gossip).
Telegram
Telephone
Tell a woman
Perhaps not very politically correct in the times we live in, but worth a slight chuckle.
Submitted by: Dave & Brendan
EDITOR'S NOTE: Maybe you could teach your students the phrase "politically correct"
and discuss it.
If you give a man a fish, he eats for a day.
If you teach a man to fish, he can always eat.
If you give a man a fire, he's warm for a day.
If you light a man on fire, he is warm for the rest of his life.
Submitted by: Anonymous
A: Did you hear that a baby was fed on elephant's milk and gained twenty pounds in a
week.
B: That's impossible. Whose baby?
A: An elephant's.
Submitted by: Ugur Yavuzturk
A very drunk man comes out of the bar and sees another very drunk man.
He looks up in the sky and says, "Is that the sun or the moon?"
The other drunk man answers, "I don't know. I'm a stranger here myself."
Submitted by: Anonymous
An elementary school teacher sends this note to all parents on the first day of school.
"If you promise not to believe everything your child says happens at school, I will promise not to believe
everything your child says happens at home.
Submitted by: Willaim Greaves
(If you don't know what Limp Bizkit is, see the results of a Google search for Limp
Bizkit.)
A guy says to his friend, "Guess how many coins I have in my pocket."
The friends says, "If I guess right, will you give me one of them?"
The first guys says, "If you guess right, I'll give you both of them!"
Submitted by: Matty
Q: What starts with E, ends with E and only has one letter?
A: An envelope.
Q: If you drop a white hat into the Red Sea, what does it become?
A: Wet.
Q: What do you call a boomerang that won't come back?
A: A stick.
Q: Where do you find giant snails?
A: On the ends of their fingers.
(Giants' nails.)
Q: What travels around the world and stays in a corner?
A: A stamp.
Q: What is white when it's dirty and black when it's clean?
A: A blackboard.
These need to be written.
In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens.
In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens.
In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen.
A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Wife wanted".
The next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have
mine."
Love is one long sweet dream, and marriage is the alarm clock.
Q: What happens when "you" and "I" are gone?
A: Only 24 letters are left. (you=the letter "u" and I the letter "i".)
Submitted by: Maria Zermani
Riddles of Alphabet
Q: What letter of the alphabet is an insect?
A: B. (bee)
Q: What letter is a part of the head?
A: I. (eye)
This is a bilingual English/Spanish joke-- especially good for a class of native Spanish
speakers. It also illustrates an important gramatical difference between languages
(genders of nouns).
An Englishman went to Spain on a fishing trip. He hired a Spanish guide to help him find
the best fishing spots. Since the Englishman was learning Spanish, he asked the guide
to speak to him in Spanish and to correct any mistakes of usage. They were hiking on a
mountain trail when a very large, purple and blue fly crossed their path. The Englishmen
pointed at the insect with his fishing rod, and said, "Mira el mosca!" The guide, sensing
a teaching opportunity, replied, "No, senor, 'la mosca'... es feminina."
The Englishman looked at him, then back at the fly, and then said, "Good heavens...
you must have incredibly good eyesight."
Submitted by: Gary Cooper, Dallas, Texas
Teacher: Today, we're going to talk about the tenses. Now, if I say "I am beautiful," which
tense is it?
Student: Obviously it is the past tense.
Submitted by: Abu Jouri
This is a riddle. It works well if you let the students ask yes and no questions about the
situation, before revealing the answer.
Q: A man goes into a bar and asks for a glass of water. The barman pulls out a gun, and
points it at the customer. "Thank you" replies the customer and walks out. What
happened?
A: The customer had hiccups.
I've used this in many countries in Eastern Europe. It always works - a shock as a
hiccup cure appears to be an international thing.
Submitted by: Jenny Mitchell