KARYN HALL, PhD

ACCETPING LONELINESS
Orginal Link: Here

Transcript: Vietnamese

Post published by Karyn Hall Ph.D. on Jan 13, 2013 in Pieces of Mind

Being lonely seems to carry a stigma, yet most people feel lonely
at times.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------There seems to be a strong stigma about loneliness. Many people will admit
to being depressed before they'll talk about being lonely. They fear being
judged as unlikeable, a loser, or weird so they don't discuss their sense of
aloneness, alienation, or exclusion.
Not feeling free to talk about loneliness adds to the problem and to the
judgments of the experience. If you judge yourself for feeling lonely, it makes
it even more difficult to take steps to change the situation. Then you may
judge yourself for not taking action to solve the problem.
That horrible experience of being the last one chosen for teams in school
seems to continue into adulthood, though the reasons are different. The
general idea seems to be that if you don't have friends, then there must be

something wrong with you. Headlines that describe the Unabomber, John
Hinckley, the mass murderer at Virginia Tech and other criminals as loners
add to the fear of being judged.
Actually, feeling lonely has little to do with how many friends you have. It's
the way you feel inside. Some people who feel lonely may rarely interact
with people and others are surrounded by people, but don't feel connected.
In general, those who feel lonely actually spend no more time alone than
those who feel more connected.
Loneliness is a different experience than solitude. Solitude is being alone by
choice and wanting that aloneness or being comfortable with it. Loneliness
means there is a discomfort you want to be more connected to others.

Loneliness Can Be Different for Different People

Many people are lonely even though they have acquaintances and activities.
Having hundreds or thousands of "friends" on social networking websites
isn't the same as having someone to share a movie or to get a cup of coffee.
One of the loneliest experiences may occur when you are in a crowd of
people you do not feel connected with or when you are with a life
partner/friend and feel no connection.
Lonely may mean not having a romantic partner or not having someone to
be with on the holidays. It may be about losses you have experienced or
a spiritual emptiness.
Being lonely seems to be about not feeling connected in a meaningful way to
others, to the world, to life.

Three Factors Of Loneliness

According to Cicioppo and Patrick (2008) how lonely people feel seems to be
a combination of three factors. The first is Level of Vulnerability to
Social Disconnection.
Each individual has a general genetically set need for social inclusion and
your level of need will be different from someone else's. If your need for
connections is high, it may be difficult to meet your needs.
The second factor in feeling lonely is the ability to self-regulate the
emotions associated with feeling isolated. This means not just
outwardly but deep inside. Each person will feel distress when their need for
companionship is not fulfilled. If loneliness continues over time it can
become a source of chronic upset. How well you manage those feelings
affects the degree of pain you experience. If you are chronically upset, this

makes you less able to evaluate other people's intentions accurately. You
may perceive them as rejecting when they aren't.
Being able to accept and cope effectively with the feelings of loneliness,
manage the feelings without becoming judgmental of yourself or others, and
find ways to problem-solve will help mitigate the damage loneliness can do.
The third factor is mental representations and expectations of as
well as reasoning about others. Feeling lonely does not mean you have
deficient social skills, but apparently feeling lonely makes people less likely
or able to use the skills they have. People who feel lonely are likely to
perceive themselves as doing all they can to make friends and to find a
sense of belonging and also believe that no one is responding.
What a frustrating experience that would be and after a time that frustration
may affect their mood when they are around others. They may make
negative statements and start to blame others if someone criticizes them.
Their loneliness may be expressed in anger or resentment which often
results in others pulling away.
Sometimes lonely people have difficulty because they view themselves as
inadequate or unworthy. Shame about who you are will block making
connections with others.
People who have been lonely for a long time may also be afraid, for many
different reasons. Fear of attack by others leads to a tendency to withdraw
and not share their authentic selves, though at the same time if no one
knows who they really are they will stay lonely. Their body language may
reflect the lack of confidence and misery they feel and their facial
expressions may be uninviting to others, though they may be unaware of
their body language. At the very time they need connections, their manner
may unintentionally communicate "stay away" to others.
When people become disregulated emotionally, then they lose a feeling of
security. They may see dangers everywhere. They are less likely to be able to
acknowledge someone else's perspective.

Most People Feel Lonely At Times

Many lonely people believe they are unique in their situation and that it's not
normal to feel as lonely as they do. Yet most everyone feels lonely at times.
Perhaps after a move or other transition such as graduating from school.
Transient loneliness is part of life, as humans are social beings.
Overwhelmingly, people rate love, intimacy, and social connections as
contributing to their happiness above wealth or social fame.

Only 22% never feel lonely and one in ten report feeling lonely often. The hit
songs that talk about loneliness and the number of book titles about
overcoming loneliness reflect that loneliness is not uncommon. When you are
lonely, though, you may only focus on those people who have what you want
rather than those who are in a similar situation.
Everyone can feel lonely. And loneliness seems to bring about other issues.
Compared to a group who reported strong social connections, a group of
students who were in the top 20% in terms of loneliness reported
characteristics of shyness, anxiety, hostility, pessimism, fear of negative
evaluation and depressed affect among other characteristics. In a follow-up
study, loneliness was induced. Subjects were hypnotized to believe they
were well connected socially or that they were lonely. The participants who
were hypnotized to believe they were lonely then showed the same
characteristics as the students who were assessed to be the loneliest.

The Purpose of Loneliness

Just as physical pain protects people from physical dangers, loneliness may
serve as a social pain to protect people from the dangers of being isolated. It
may serve as a prompt to change behavior, to pay more attention to
relationships which are needed for survival.
The idea of loneliness as a social pain has been demonstrated by functional
magnetic resonance imaging (fMRI). The emotional region of the brain that is
activated when you experience rejection is the same that registers emotional
responses to physical pain. Loneliness is a deep, disruptive hurt that can
become chronic and you can't just meet people and get over.

Giving Up Self-Judgment
Letting go of judging yourself for your loneliness is a good first step. Blaming
yourself, calling yourself names, berating yourself because you are lonely is
not effective and not accurate. Feeling lonely in the absence of meaningful
connections is normal.
There can be many reasons for loneliness. Today's mobile and busy society
may have increased the challenges of establishing and maintaining
relationships. Acceptance that loneliness is a part of the human condition
can help you put your energy into creating solutions.
Loneliness is not necessarily about poor social skills. When you are lonely, it
may be overwhelming to think about venturing out to be with people even
though you may have good social skills. Loneliness can lead to depression
and a wish to isolate.

Profound loneliness can go back many years. Some sources say that the
roots of profound loneliness come from experiencing lack of love as a young
child. Sometimes a deep loneliness comes with having a physical difference
or suffering from a mental disorder that leads to discrimination and isolation.
For others loneliness may come from struggling with friendships in school,
perhaps having been bullied or having no one to sit with at lunch. Being on
the playground with no one to play with can be a very lonely feeling. Having
different interests, such loving sports when others are into video games, can
be very lonely. Maybe as a child you had a single friend who moved away or
you had an argument with that friend that led to a loss of the friendship.
Loneliness in childhood seems to be related to loneliness as an adult,
including an increased sensitivity to loneliness.
There is no one idea or one path to move from loneliness to contentment,
but there are general ideas that seem to work. A first step seems to be
acceptance without judgment.