POSTSCRIPT: Dr.

Margie Holmes analyzes the Kris-James-Mayen "love triangle"

Noel Orsal (James & Kris) & File photo (Dra. Holmes)

"If Kris really feels grateful for the mere fact that
James deigned to marry her, well, no wonder
their marriage is in trouble. No wonder Kris has
been doing all the running when it comes to
saving their marriage," opines psychologist
Margarita Holmes (inset).

The Kris-James-Mayen "love triangle" is not the

only one we've come across in showbiz; the
barely remembered Vic Sotto-Dina Bonnevie-
Connie Reyes to the still happening Manny
Paquiao-Jinkee Pacquiao-Krista Ranillo are other
examples of these.

We are all familiar with the predictably martyr

wives, incorrigibly unfaithful husbands (and also
wives), and the stereotypical younger, (and
usually thinner) mistress.

But the most riveting love triangles are those where the victim and "villain" are unclear; where
which person we feel most sympathy for (kawawa naman si____) and most anger towards
(grabe naman si ____), is different depending on whom you talk to.

I am not here to point fingers nor make pronouncements about why what ____did is wrong and
why ______is not bad, but merely misunderstood. What I would like to do, however, is show
how issues that came up among Kris, James, and/or Mayen are the very ones all of us face in our
very own relationships.

Many people have already made up their minds about the Kris-James-Mayen triangle. Was it
really a "love triangle" or merely a media-driven one? Should Kris stay and give him another
chance? And what about James? Should he stay or leave the marriage?

I don't have the answers to the above questions. What I have, however, are some observations
that seem relevant in most marriages when a supposed "third party" enters its reality. From these
observations, other questions emerge.
Is the woman portrayed as the home wrecker the real issue? Or is she just a scapegoat? Just a
symbol of a problem the couple already had and need to thresh out?

The problems couples may already have had are as numerous as the stars.

I am very uncomfortable when inequalities are emphasized from the start. Many relationships
may seem unequal from the start. Examples: She's exceptionally beautiful; he looks something
that crawled from under a rock. Or he is rich as Rhodes; she is poor as a church mouse.

Upon further analysis however, one realizes that the marriage is one of equals after all! He
trades his money for her beauty. Sometimes, one or the other loses when such an agreement is
brokered. However, sometimes such relationships not only continue but actually thrive. This
happens only when each spouse feels she got the better end of the bargain.

The first glaring inequality in the Yap marriage is the one Kris talked about with Boy Abunda
when her visit to Mayen became a media feeding frenzy.

Kris said she is grateful that he married her and gave her his name. I can understand happy,
maybe even relieved, but grateful?!!?

Now. I don't know if this is the way Kris really feels. It could be a calculated statement designed
to mollify the moralists who like to point to Kris's supposedly slutty past. However, if Kris really
feels grateful for the mere fact that James deigned to marry her, well, no wonder their marriage is
in trouble. No wonder Kris has been doing all the running when it comes to saving their
marriage.

I would do exactly as Kris did if I felt grateful to my husband for giving me his name, if I felt
from the start that I had more to gain from the marriage than he did. Deep gratitude for implies
something you didn't really deserve. If Kris really feels that James' making her his legal wife her
is something she never expected but secretly longed for, well, hells bells, no wonder he seems to
have a roving eye!

Their age difference is another point of inequality. It doesn't have to be, but if she follows her
family's advice it will always be a point of contention. Kris seems constantly reminded by her
siblings that, because she is older, she has to be more patient...perhaps overlooking a few of
James's mistake.

But Kris will always be older. Does that then mean Kris always has to be patient, the
"overlooker," instead of the one whose mistakes are overlooked?

If that, indeed, is the result age gaps bring to a marriage, then I can't see why anyone would
marry a younger person. No matter how wide the age gap, constantly forgiving the younger
person because you are wiser and more experienced, gets tired after a while. He is your husband,
after all, not your child.
Another inequality that seems to exist in the Yap marriage is the one most difficult to talk about.
Perhaps its because no one really talks about it openly. There are whispers about how much
richer and better known Kris is. Why need to whisper even if it's true (which it is). Money can be
earned and fame can be achieved. It may only be a matter of time. After all, James is much
younger and less experienced (joke only).

However, there is a supposed inequality in the Yap marriage that could be damaging: that Kris is
far more intelligent than James. There are many marriages that work on this principle. Indeed,
many marriages work because this belief is how couples prefer to behave.

However, a man's constantly being told (whether verbally or more insidiously) he is less bright
than his wife will stop feeling lucky he landed such a good catch. He will start feeling victimized
and taken advantage of.

The Kris-James-Mayen "love triangle" is not the only one we've come across in
showbiz; the barely remembered Vic Sotto-Dina Bonnevie-Connie Reyes to the still
happening Manny Paquiao-Jinkee Pacquiao-Krista Ranillo are other examples of
these.

We are all familiar with the predictably martyr wives, incorrigibly unfaithful husbands (and also
wives), and the stereotypical younger, (and usually thinner) mistress.

But the most riveting love triangles are those where the victim and "villain" are unclear; where
which person we feel most sympathy for (kawawa naman si____) and most anger towards
(grabe naman si ____), is different depending on whom you talk to.

I am not here to point fingers nor make pronouncements about why what ____did is wrong and
why ______is not bad, but merely misunderstood. What I would like to do, however, is show
how issues that came up among Kris, James, and/or Mayen are the very ones all of us face in our
very own relationships.

Many people have already made up their minds about the Kris-James-Mayen triangle. Was it
really a "love triangle" or merely a media-driven one? Should Kris stay and give him another
chance? And what about James? Should he stay or leave the marriage?

I don't have the answers to the above questions. What I have, however, are some observations
that seem relevant in most marriages when a supposed "third party" enters its reality. From these
observations, other questions emerge.

Is the woman portrayed as the home wrecker the real issue? Or is she just a scapegoat? Just a
symbol of a problem the couple already had and need to thresh out?

The problems couples may already have had are as numerous as the stars.
I am very uncomfortable when inequalities are emphasized from the start. Many relationships
may seem unequal from the start. Examples: She's exceptionally beautiful; he looks something
that crawled from under a rock. Or he is rich as Rhodes; she is poor as a church mouse.

Upon further analysis however, one realizes that the marriage is one of equals after all! He trades
his money for her beauty. Sometimes, one or the other loses when such an agreement is
brokered. However, sometimes such relationships not only continue but actually thrive. This
happens only when each spouse feels she got the better end of the bargain.

The first glaring inequality in the Yap marriage is the one Kris talked about with Boy Abunda
when her visit to Mayen became a media feeding frenzy.

Kris said she is grateful that he married her and gave her his name. I can understand happy,
maybe even relieved, but grateful?!!?

Now. I don't know if this is the way Kris really feels. It could be a calculated statement designed
to mollify the moralists who like to point to Kris's supposedly slutty past. However, if Kris really
feels grateful for the mere fact that James deigned to marry her, well, no wonder their marriage is
in trouble. No wonder Kris has been doing all the running when it comes to saving their
marriage.

I would do exactly as Kris did if I felt grateful to my husband for giving me his name, if I felt
from the start that I had more to gain from the marriage than he did. Deep gratitude for implies
something you didn't really deserve. If Kris really feels that James' making her his legal wife her
is something she never expected but secretly longed for, well, hells bells, no wonder he seems to
have a roving eye!

Their age difference is another point of inequality. It doesn't have to be, but if she follows her
family's advice it will always be a point of contention. Kris seems constantly reminded by her
siblings that, because she is older, she has to be more patient...perhaps overlooking a few of
James's mistake.

But Kris will always be older. Does that then mean Kris always has to be patient, the
"overlooker," instead of the one whose mistakes are overlooked?

If that, indeed, is the result age gaps bring to a marriage, then I can't see why anyone would
marry a younger person. No matter how wide the age gap, constantly forgiving the younger
person because you are wiser and more experienced, gets tired after a while. He is your husband,
after all, not your child.

Another inequality that seems to exist in the Yap marriage is the one most difficult to talk about.
Perhaps its because no one really talks about it openly. There are whispers about how much
richer and better known Kris is. Why need to whisper even if it's true (which it is). Money can be
earned and fame can be achieved. It may only be a matter of time. After all, James is much
younger and less experienced (joke only).
However, there is a supposed inequality in the Yap marriage that could be damaging: that Kris is
far more intelligent than James. There are many marriages that work on this principle. Indeed,
many marriages work because this belief is how couples prefer to behave.

However, a man's constantly being told (whether verbally or more insidiously) he is less bright
than his wife will stop feeling lucky he landed such a good catch. He will start feeling victimized
and taken advantage of.