Symptoms of

Many women assume that if they're not

being physically abused by their partner, then they're not
being abused. That's not necessarily true. You may be in a
relationship which is draining something from you -- you
might not have recognized that your partner has eroded
your self-esteem and happiness.

An abusive partner will railroad discussions, so that you

don't have time to think about what's right and what's
wrong in their behavior.
Take a moment to consider these questions. Your partner
might have behaved as though these things were okay,
even though it's obvious that they aren't okay...:
Do you feel that you can't discuss with your partner what is
bothering you?
Does your partner frequently criticize you, humiliate you, or
undermine your self-esteem?
Does your partner ridicule you for expressing yourself?
Does your partner isolate you from friends, family or groups?
Does your partner limit your access to work, money or material
resources?
Has your partner ever stolen from you? Or run up debts for you

to handle?
Does your relationship swing back and forth between a lot of
emotional distance and being very close?
Have you ever felt obligated to have sex, just to avoid an
argument about it?
Do you sometimes feel trapped in the relationship?
Has your partner ever thrown away your belongings, destroyed
objects or threatened pets?
Are you afraid of your partner?

One aspect of emotional abuse is that it eventually

brainwashes the victim.
THE PROCESS OF BRAINWASHING
(MIND CONTROL)
1. The brainwasher keeps the victim unaware of what is
going on and what changes are taking place.
Your partner might control your finances, make plans for
you, or not tell you what his plans are until the last minute.
He may talk about you to others behind your back, to isolate
you from them.
2. The brainwasher controls the victim's time and physical
environment, and works to suppress much of the victim's
old behavior. The victim is slowly, or abruptly, isolated from
all supportive persons except the brainwasher.
Your partner might have insisted that you stop certain
social, hobby, or work activities. You might have gotten
moved to a new location, farther away from your family and

friends. Or you may have been asked (or told) to reduce or

stop contact with specific supportive people in your life.
3. The brainwasher creates in the victim a sense of
powerlessness, fear, and dependency.
Verbal and emotional abuse creates these emotions, and
they become stronger and stronger over time.
4. The brainwasher works to instill new behavior and
attitudes in the victim.
Your partner trains to you behave in ways that he wants you
to behave. He gradually makes you feel differently about
yourself, and erodes your confidence in yourself.
5. The brainwasher puts forth a closed system of logic, and
allows no real input or criticism.
In other words -- What he says, goes.

Phase 1 - TENSION
BUILDING:
Tension increases,
breakdown of
communication, victim feels
need to placate the abuser.

Phase 4 CALM:
Incident is
"forgotten",
no abuse is
taking place.

Phase 2 INCIDENT:
Verbal and
emotional
abuse.
Anger,
blaming,
arguing.
Threats.
Intimidation.

Phase 3 - RECONCILIATION:
Abuser apologizes, gives
excuses, blames the victim,
denies the abuse occurred,
or says it wasn't as bad as
the victim claims.
The original three-phase Cycle of Violence theory was developed by Dr.
Lenore Walker
The fourth phase was added by unknown persons in shelter handouts,
pamphlets etc.

To consider whether your partner emotionally abuses you,

look at the information available on physical abusers. The
patterns are similar:
COMMON CHARACTERISTICS OF ABUSERS
(adapted)
* He was verbally abused as a child, or witnessed it in his
own family.
* He has an explosive temper, triggered by minor
frustrations and arguments.
* Abusers are extremely possessive and jealous. They
experience an intense desire to control their mates.
* His sense of masculinity depends on the woman's
dependency upon him. He feels like a man only if his
partner is totally submissive and dependent on him.
* Abusers often have superficial relationships with other
people. Their primary, if not exclusive, relationship is with
their wife/girlfriend.
* He has low self-esteem.
* He has rigid expectations of marriage (or partnership) and
will not compromise. He expects her to behave according
to his expectations of what a wife should be like; often the

way his parents' marriage was, or its opposite. He demands

that she change to accommodate his expectations.
* He has a great capacity for self-deception. He projects the
blame for his relationship difficulties onto his partner. He
would not be drunk if she didn't nag him so much. He
wouldn't get angry if only she would do what she's
supposed to do. He denies the need for counseling
because there's nothing wrong with him. Or he agrees to
get counseling and then avoids it or makes excuses to not
follow through. He might not want her to get counseling
because, he reasons, she wouldn't have any problems if she
only turned to him.
* He may be described as having a dual personality -- he is
either charming or exceptionally cruel. He is selfish or
generous depending on his mood.
* A major characteristic of abusers is their capacity to
deceive others. He can be cool, calm, charming and
convincing: a con man.
* The mate is usually a symbol. The abuser doesn't relate to
his partner as a person in her own right, but as a symbol of
a significant other. This is especially true when he's angry.
He assumes that she is thinking, feeling, or acting like that
significant other -- often his mother.

EFFECTS
OF LONG-TERM EMOTIONAL & VERBAL ABUSE
ON THE VICTIM
Isolation from others - Low self-esteem Depression - Emotional problems - Illness Increased alcohol or drug use - Withdrawal from
real life into an Internet alternative reality

Emotional abuse can be defined as any behavior that affects the psychology of
an individual by overpowering him/her. It involves verbal, as well as non-verbal
abuse that eventually undermine the self-respect of the sufferer. Though
emotional abuse can occur to anybody, it is more common among those with
least power in the society, for example, children and women. An individual under
prolonged emotional abuse loses his/her self confidence, self-concept, selfmotivation and self-worth.
Emotional abuse is most commonly associated with abusive relationship and
child abuse. It always precedes or accompanies a physical abuse in domestic
violence. It is often observed that a person who is abused in a relationship can
be an abuser to another person. This way, the person blames his feelings and/or
problems on others. Emotional abuse or maltreatment in children can affect their
development in terms of cognitive, social and psychological behavior. The effects
of child abuse are detrimental and long-lasting.
Emotional Abuse: Signs and Symptoms
Some common types of emotional abuse are neglecting/rejecting, isolating,
abusive expectations (demands, criticism), ignoring, denying (refuse to listen or
understand the feelings), constant chaos, exploiting, aggression (blaming,
commanding, threatening), emotional blackmail (threatening), dominating, verbal
assaults (sarcasm, berating), invalidation and unpredictable behaviors (mood
changes, emotional outbursts).
It is common that the abuser displays his/her abusive characters in order to
humiliate the sufferer, when they are in the company of others. It is very difficult
to identify and assess the sufferers of emotional abuse; hence, many a times, it
goes unreported or unrecognized. Following are the signs and symptoms of
emotional abuse:
Feeling of depression
Withdrawal from social interaction
Isolation from friends and family
Low self-esteem
Fearfulness
Increased anxiety
Guilty feeling
Feeling of shame
Mood changes
Nervous feeling
Not trusting others
Frequent blaming on others
Self-blaming
Pessimistic behavior
Substance or drug abuse
Extreme dependence on others

Avoiding eye-contact
Telling lies
Aggressive behavior
Emotional instability
Suicidal attempts

The effects of emotional abuse has been recognized recently. The ultimate
outcome of emotional abuse is that the sufferer gets scared to be left alone. In
majority of the cases, the recipients of emotional abuse believe that no one else
like/want to be with them, except the abuser. Hence, they continue to stay in the
abusive situations. The sufferer feels ashamed and keeps secret about the
emotional abuse. In this way, the emotional abuse continues.
If the emotional abuse remains unchecked, it can worsen the symptoms and may
lead to serious emotional and psychological disorders. In case, you are abused
or if you notice that somebody is being abused, then you can consult and seek
help from the support services like social service agency, police, legal adviser
and health professional. The best way to prevent emotional abuse is personal
awareness and understanding the rights and duties.
Though, some forms of emotional abuse like ignoring, insulting and isolating
cannot be prosecuted, you can always consider reporting to your near-and-dear
ones. As a service provider, one can contribute to prevent emotional abuse, by
making the public aware about the available support services. Various laws have
been enacted to punish emotional abusers. In some jurisdictions, failure to
report child abuse cases are punished either by imprisonment or in the form of
fine.
By Ningthoujam Sandhyarani
Verbal Abuse Signs #1
The first of the signs of verbal abuse, is blaming. An abuser will always play the
blame game. They will never admit that they are at fault, it's not that they don't
know. They will keep going deeper and deeper into the forest of self vindication
and blame you for every small thing that goes wrong. Wondering where the
blame was earlier in your relationship? Well, the blame for a long time, was on
his/her ex. For quite a while, he/she still continued to blame the ex. Now, it's you.
No biggy! Read more on emotional abuse signs.
Verbal Abuse Signs #2
The next verbal abuse sign is resentment. The abuser will have a lot of
resentment. It's like the slightest error will burn them up. They will feel like no one
is appreciating them, talking to them, giving them credit etc. They will believe that
they deserve much more then they get, as such they will almost always be
resentful and angry with everyone. If you think that your coming into their life will
help them change, you are mistaken. They need a lot to calm down, and often

resort to blaming. (see verbal abuse signs #1)

Verbal Abuse Signs #3
The next sign of a person who will get into verbal abuse is one who is self
centered. This person will consider themselves in a very high light. They will keep
claiming to endure much more than others and that other's have it easy because
of all the things that they do. They believe that the world should be grateful to
them at every step of the way. If they notice that this does not happen, they will
get into a cycle of resentment. (see verbal abuse signs #2)
Verbal Abuse Signs #4
One of the earliest signs of verbal abuse is yelling. The abuser will yell at the
drop of a hat, literally. Like if their partner makes the slightest mistake, they will
not bring it to their notice by explaining or confronting, but yelling and blaming
instead. In fact, if you are in a relationship with a yeller, beware. They will resort
to verbal abuse sooner or later. Verbal abuse in a marriage mostly starts getting
noticed from this step.
Verbal Abuse Signs #5
A very major indication or sign of verbal abuse in a relationship, is when one of
them is always in a state of terror. They will make sure that everything is always
perfect for no other reason, but the fear of setting off their partner. Even in a
restaurant, they will make sure that the waiter places everything right, for just one
evening of peace. Friends of a person behaving with such fear, or family, should
take action and help them out.
Verbal Abuse Signs #6
Emotional verbal abuse signs include disrespect, shaming, ridicule, swearing,
forced sex, constant treatment of the person being a sexual object with no
particular feelings, etc. Believe it of not, such behavior is a regular affair in
today's society. The abuser will end up hurting their partner even when it seems
like they are comforting them. Saying things like, "yes, you are very weak and
look hideous, but I guess I'll still love you!" Read for more on:
Emotional Abuse in Relationships
Abusive Men Signs
Verbal abuse has a very strong existence in society. Women and men need to be
more aware of the underlying existence of abusive nature before entering the
path of relationship with a person. Watch our for these signs of emotional verbal
abuse. This is where I sign off! Hope this article helped you!
By Rashida Khilawala
Introduction
Most everyone has heard of or knows someone who has been verbally abused.

Perhaps you are involved in a verbally abusive relationship. It is posible that

no one knows your circumstances. Verbal abuse is a kind of battering which
doesn't leave evidence comparable to the bruises of physical battering. You
may be suffering in silence and isolation.
In this article, I want to tackle this very important issue in an effort
to understand this phenomenon and provide answers. Like any area of
human action, it begins in the
mind and heart. Proverbs 23:7 says, "For as he thinks within himself, so he
is."
What a person thinks in his mind and heart will be reflected in his words
and actions.
Verbal abuse is more difficult to see since there are rarely any visible scars
unless physical abuse has taken place. It is also less visible simply because
the abuse often takes place in private. The victim of verbal abuse lives in a
gradually more confusing realm. In public, the victim is with one person.
Privately, the abuser becoms a completely different person.
Frequently the perpetrator of verbal abuse is male and the victim is female,
but not always. There are many examples of women who are quite verbally
abusive. For the sake of simplicity of pronouns in this program, I will identify the
abuser as male and the victim as female.
One of the first books to describe verbal abuse was Patricia Evan's book
The Verbally Abusive Relationship.{1} She interviewed forty verbally abused
women ages 21 to 66. Most of the women had left a verbally abusive
relationship. We will use some of the characteristics and categories of
verbal abuse these women describe in this book.
Another important book in understanding verbal abuse
describes "crazymaking." George Bach and Ronald Deutsch wrote Stop! You're
Driving Me Crazy {2}
and describe what crazymaking feels like including feeling "temporarily thrown off
balance," "lost and not knowing where to turn," and "being caught off guard."
A victim is often the target of angry outbursts, sarcasm, or cool indifference. The
abuser's reaction to these actions is frequently cloaked in a "What's wrong with
you?" attitude. She is accused of "making a mountain out of a molehill." Over
time
she loses her equilibrium and begins to wonder if she is the one who is crazy.
The key to healing is to recognize verbal abuse and begin to take steps to stop it
and bring healing. Since the abuser is usually in denial, the responsibility for
recognizing verbal abuse often rests with the partner.

Characteristics of Verbal Abuse

Now I will focus on some of the characteristics of verbal abuse as
outlined in The Verbally Abusive Relationship.{3}
1. Verbal abuse is hurtful and usually attacks the nature and abilities of
the
partner. Over time, the partner may begin to believe that there is
something
wrong with her or her abilities. She may come to feel that she is the
problem,
rather than her partner.
2. Verbal abuse may be overt (through angry outbursts and namecalling) or
covert (involving very subtle comments, even something that
approaches
brainwashing). Overt verbal abuse is usually blaming and accusatory,
and
consequently confusing to the partner. Covert verbal abuse, which is
hidden
aggression, is even more confusing to the partner. Its aim is to control
her
without her knowing.
3. Verbal abuse is manipulative and controlling. Even disparaging
comments
may be voiced in an extremely sincere and concerned way. But the
goal is to
control and manipulate.
4. Verbal abuse is insidious. The partner's self-esteem gradually
diminishes,
usually without her realizing it. She may consciously or unconsciously
try to
change her behavior so as not to upset the abuser.
5. Verbal abuse is unpredictable. In fact, unpredictability is one of the
most
significant characteristics of verbal abuse. The partner is stunned,
shocked,
thrown off balance by her mate's sarcasm, angry jab, put-down, or
hurtful
comment.

6. Verbal abuse is not a side issue. It is the issue in the relationship.

When a
couple is having an argument about a real issue, the issue can be
resolved.
In a verbally abusive relationship, there is no specific conflict. The
issue is ,
the abuse and this issue is not resolved. There is no closure.
7. Verbal abuse expresses a double message. There is incongruence
between the way the abuser speaks and his real feelings. For
example, he
may sound very sincere and honest while he is telling his partner what
is
wrong with her.
8. Verbal abuse usually escalates, increasing in intensity, frequency,
and
variety. The verbal abuse may begin with put-downs disguised as
jokes.
Later other forms might surface.
Sometimes the verbal abuse may escalate into physical abuse, starting with
"accidental" shoves, pushes, and bumps.
These are a few characteristics of verbal abuse. Next we will look at some of the
categories of verbal abuse.{4}
Categories of Verbal Abuse
1. Withholding. A marriage requires intimacy and intimacy requires empathy. If
one partner withholds information and feelings, then the marriage bond
weakens. The abuser who refuses to listen to his partner denies her experience
and leaves her isolated.
2. Countering. This is the dominant response of the verbal abuser
who sees his partner as an adversary.
He is constantly countering and correcting everything she says and does.
Internally he may even be thinking, "How dare she have a different view!"
Countering is very destructive to a relationship because it prevents
the partner
from knowing what her mate thinks about anything. Sometimes the
verbal
abuser will cut off discussion in mid-sentence before she can finish
her thought.
In many ways, he cannot even allow her to have her own thoughts.

3. A third category of verbal abuse is discounting. This is like taking a

one
hundred-dollar item and reducing its price to one cent.
Discounting denies the reality and experience of the partner and is extremely
destructive. It can be a most insidious form of verbal abuse because it denies
and distorts the partner's actual perception of the abuse.
4. Verbal abuse disguised as jokes. Although his comments may
masquerade as humor, they cut the partner to the quick. The verbal
jabs may be
delivered crassly or with great skill, but they all have the same effect
of
diminishing the partner and throwing her off balance.
5. Blocking and diverting. The verbal abuser refuses
to communicate, establishes what can be discussed, or withholds
information.
He can prevent any possibility of resolving conflicts by blocking and
diverting.
6. Accusing and blaming is another form. A verbal abuser will accuse
his partner of
some wrongdoing or some breach of the basic agreement of the
relationship.
This has the effect of diverting the conversation and putting the other
partner
on the defensive.
7. Judging and criticizing. The verbal abuser may judge his partner,
and then express his judgment in a critical way. If she objects, he
may
tell her that he is just pointing something out to be helpful, but in
reality he is expressing
his lack of acceptance of her.
These are just a few of the categories of verbal abuse. Next we will look at a
number of other forms of verbal abuse.
Other Forms of Verbal Abuse
Trivializing can also be a form of verbal abuse. It is an attempt to take something
said or done and make it insignificant. When this is done in a frank and sincere
manner, it can be difficult to detect. Often the partner becomes confused,

believes she hasn't effectively explained to her mate how important certain things
are to her.
Undermining is also verbal abuse. The abuser not only withholds
emotional
support, but also erodes confidence and determination. The abuser
often will
squelch an idea or suggestion just by a single comment.
Threatening is a classic form of verbal abuse. He manipulates his
partner by
bringing up her biggest fears. This may include threatening to leave or
threatening to get a divorce. In some cases, the threat may be to
escalate the
abuse.
Name-calling can also be verbal abuse. Continually calling someone
"stupid"
because she isn't as intelligent as you or calling her a "klutz" because
she is not
as coordinated can have a devastating effect on the partner's self
esteem.
Verbal abuse may also involve forgetting. This may involve both overt
and covert
manipulation. Everyone forgets things from time to time, but the verbal
abuser
consistently does so. After the partner collects herself, subsequent to
being
yelled at, she may confront her mate only to find that he has "forgotten"
about
the incident. Some abusers consistently forget about the promises they
have
made which are most important to their partners.
Ordering is another classic form of verbal abuse. It denies the equality
and
autonomy of the partner. When an abuser gives orders instead of
asking, he
treats her like a slave or subordinate.
Denial is the last category of verbal abuse. Although all forms of verbal abuse
have serious consequences, denial can be very insidious because it denies the
reality of the partner. In fact, a verbal abuser could read over this list of
categories and insist that he is not abusive.

That is why it is so important for the partner to recognize these characteristics

and categories since the abuser is usually in denial. Thus, the responsibility for
recognizing verbal abuse and doing something about it often rests with the
partner.
Notes
1.Patricia Evan, The Verbally Abusive Relationship. Holbrook, MA: Adams Media
Corporation, 1996.
2.George Bach and Ronald Deutsch, Stop! You're Driving Me Crazy. New York:
Putnam's Sons, 1980.
3.Evans, 81-84.
4.Ibid., 85-104.
5.http://www.probe.org/docs/falguilt.html
What is a personality disorder?
[from Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, 4th
edition, 1994, commonly referred to as DSM-IV, of the American
Psychiatric Association. European countries use thediagnostic criteria
of the World Health Organization.]
An enduring pattern of inner experience and behavior that
deviates markedly from the expectation of the individual's culture,
is pervasive and inflexible, has an onset in adolescence or early
adulthood, is stable over time, and leads to distress or
impairment.
A personality disorder is a pattern of deviant or abnormal behavior that the
person doesn't change even though it causes emotional upsets and trouble with
other people at work and in personal relationships. It is not limited to episodes of
mental illness, and it is not caused by drug or alcohol use, head injury, or illness.
There are about a dozen different behavior patterns classified as personality
disorders by DSM-IV. All the personality disorders show up as deviations from
normal in one or more of the following:
(1) cognition -- i.e., perception, thinking, and interpretation of oneself, other
people, and events;
(2) affectivity -- i.e., emotional responses (range, intensity, lability,
appropriateness);
(3) interpersonal functions;
(4) impulsivity.

Narcissistic Personality Disorder

While grandiosity is the diagnostic hallmark of pathological narcissism, there

isresearch evidence that pathological narcissism occurs in two forms, (a) a
grandiose state of mind in young adults that can be corrected by life experiences,
and (b) the stable disorder described in DSM-IV, which is defined less by
grandiosity than by severely disturbed interpersonal relations.
The preferred theory seems to be that narcissism is caused by very early
affective deprivation, yet the clinical material tends to describe narcissists
as unwilling rather than unable, thus treating narcissistic behaviors as volitional
-- that is, narcissism is termed a personality disorder, but it tends to be discussed
as a character disorder. This distinction is important to prognosis and
treatment possibilities. If NPD is caused by infantile damage and consequent
developmental short-circuits, it probably represents an irremediable condition. On
the other hand, if narcissism is a behavior pattern that's learned, then there is
some hope, however tenuous, that it's a behavior pattern that can be unlearned.
The clinical literature on NPD is highly theoretical, abstract, and general, with
sparse case material, suggesting that clinical writers have little experience with
narcissism in the flesh. There are several reasons for this to be so:
-- The incidence of NPD is estimated at 1% in the general population, though I
haven't been able to discover the basis of this estimate.
-- Narcissists rarely enter treatment and, once in treatment, progress very slowly.
We're talking about two or more years of frequent sessions before the narcissist
can acknowledge even that the therapist is sometimes helpful. It's difficult to keep
narcissists in treatment long enough for improvement to be made -- and few
people, narcissists or not, have the motivation or the money to pursue treatment
that produces so little so late.
-- Because of the influence of third-party payers (insurance companies), there
has been a strong trend towards short-term therapy that concentrates on
ameliorating acute troubles, such as depression, rather than delving into
underlying chronic problems. Narcissists are very reluctant to open up and trust,
so it's possible that their NPD is not even recognized by therapists in short-term
treatment. Purely anecdotal evidence from correspondents and from
observations of people I know indicates that selective serotonin-reuptake
inhibitors, such as Prozac, aggravate narcissists' grandiosity and lack of social
inhibition. It has also been suggested that self-help literature about bolstering
self-esteem and getting what you want out of life or that encourages the feeling
of victimization has aggravating effects on NPD thinking and behavior.
-- Most clinical writers seem unaware that narcissists' self-reports are unreliable.
This is troubling, considering that lying is the most common complaint about
narcissists and that, in many instances, defects of empathy lead narcissists to
wildly inaccurate misinterpretations of other people's speech and actions, so that
they may believe that they are liked and respected despite a history of callous
and exploitative personal interactions.
[from Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, 4th
edition, 1994, commonly referred to as DSM-IV, of the American
Psychiatric Association. European countries use thediagnostic

criteria of the World Health Organization.]

A pervasive pattern of grandiosity (in fantasy or behavior), need
for admiration, and lack of empathy.[jma: NPD first appeared in
DSM-III in 1980; before that time there had been no formal diagnostic
description. Additionally, there is considerable overlap between
personality disorders and clinicians tend to diagnose mixes of two or
more. Grandiosity is a special case, but lack of empathy and
exploitative interpersonal relations are not unique to NPD, nor is the
need to be seen as special or unique. The differential diagnosis of NPD
is made on the absence of specific gross behaviors. Borderline
Personality Disorder has several conspicuous similarities to NPD, but
BPD is characterized by self-injury and threatened or attempted
suicide, whereas narcissists are rarely self-harming in this way. BPD
may include psychotic breaks, and these are uncharacteristic of NPD
but not unknown. The need for constant attention is also found in
Histrionic Personality Disorder, but HPD and BPD are both strongly
oriented towards relationships, whereas NPD is characterized by
aloofness and avoidance of intimacy. Grandiosity is unique to
NPD among personality disorders, but it is found in other psychiatric
illnesses. Psychopaths display pathological narcissism, including
grandiosity, but psychopathy is differentiated from NPD by
psychopaths' willingness to use physical violence to get what they
want, whereas narcissists rarely commit crimes; the narcissists I've
known personally are, in fact, averse to physical contact with others,
though they will occasionally strike out in an impulse of rage. It has
been found that court-ordered psychotherapy for psychopathsactually
increases their recidivism rate; apparently treatment teaches
psychopaths new ways to exploit other people. Bipolar illness also
contains strong elements of grandiosity. See more
on grandiosity and empathy and its lack below.]The disorder begins
by early adulthood and is indicated by at least five of the
following:
Translation: Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) is a pattern of self-centered
or egotistical behavior that shows up in thinking and behavior in a lot of different
situations and activities. People with NPD won't (or can't) change their behavior
even when it causes problems at work or when other people complain about the
way they act, or when their behavior causes a lot of emotional distress to others
(or themselves? none of my narcissists ever admit to being distressed by their
own behavior -- they always blame other people for any problems). This pattern
of self-centered or egotistical behavior is not caused by current drug or alcohol
use, head injury, acute psychotic episodes, or any other illness, but has been
going on steadily at least since adolescence or early adulthood.
NPD interferes with people's functioning in their occupations and in their
relationships:

Mild impairment when self-centered or egotistical behavior results in occasional

minor problems, but the person is generally doing pretty well.
Moderate impairment when self-centered or egotistical behavior results in: (a)
missing days from work, household duties, or school, (b) significant performance
problems as a wage-earner, homemaker, or student, (c) frequently avoiding or
alienating friends, (d) significant risk of harming self or others (frequent suicidal
preoccupation; often neglecting family, or frequently abusing others or committing
criminal acts).
Severe impairment when self-centered or egotistical behavior results in: (a)
staying in bed all day, (b) totally alienating all friends and family, (c) severe risk of
harming self or others (failing to maintain personal hygiene; persistent danger of
suicide, abuse, or crime).
1. An exaggerated sense of self-importance (e.g., exaggerates
achievements and talents, expects to be recognized as superior
without commensurate achievements)
Translation: Grandiosity is the hallmark of narcissism. So what is grandiose?
The simplest everyday way that narcissists show their exaggerated sense of selfimportance is by talking about family, work, life in general as if there is nobody
else in the picture. Whatever they may be doing, in their own view, they are the
star, and they give the impression that they are bearing heroic responsibility for
their family or department or company, that they have to take care of everything
because their spouses or co-workers are undependable, uncooperative, or
otherwise unfit. They ignore or denigrate the abilities and contributions of others
and complain that they receive no help at all; they may inspire your sympathy or
admiration for their stoicism in the face of hardship or unstinting self-sacrifice for
the good of (undeserving) others. But this everyday grandiosity is an aspect of
narcissism that you may never catch on to unless you visit the narcissist's home
or workplace and see for yourself that others are involved and are pulling their
share of the load and, more often than not, are also pulling the narcissist's share
as well. An example is the older woman who told me with a sigh that she knew
she hadn't been a perfect mother but she just never had any help at all -- and she
said this despite knowing that I knew that she had worn out and discarded two
devoted husbands and had lived in her parents' pocket (and pocketbook) as long
as they lived, quickly blowing her substantial inheritance on flaky business
schemes. Another example is claiming unusual benefits or spectacular results
from ordinary effort and investment, giving the impression that somehow the
narcissist's time and money are worth more than other people's. [Here is an
article about recognizing and coping with narcissism in the workplace; it is rather
heavy on management jargon and psychobabble, but worth reading. "The Impact
of Narcissism on Leadership and Sustainability" by Bruce Gregory, Ph.D. "When
the narcissistic defense is operating in an interpersonal or group setting, the
grandiose part does not show its face in public. In public it presents a front of
patience, congeniality, and confident reasonableness."]

In popular usage, the terms narcissism, narcissist, and narcissistic denote

absurd vanity and are applied to people whose ambitions and aspirations are
much grander than their evident talents. Sometimes these terms are applied to
people who are simply full of themselves -- even when their real achievements
are spectacular. Outstanding performers are not always modest, but they aren't
grandiose if their self-assessments are realistic; e.g., Muhammad Ali, then
Cassius Clay, was notorious for boasting "I am the greatest!" and also pointing
out that he was the prettiest, but he was the greatest and the prettiest for a
number of years, so his self-assessments weren't grandiose. Some narcissists
are flamboyantly boastful and self-aggrandizing, but many are inconspicuous in
public, saving their conceit and autocratic opinions for their nearest and dearest.
Common conspicuous grandiose behaviors include expecting special treatment
or admiration on the basis of claiming (a) to know important, powerful or famous
people or (b) to be extraordinarily intelligent or talented. As a real-life example, I
used to have a neighbor who told his wife that he was the youngest person since
Sir Isaac Newton to take a doctorate at Oxford. The neighbor gave no evidence
of a world-class education, so I looked up Newton and found out that Newton had
completed his baccalaureate at the age of twenty-two (like most people) and
spent his entire academic career at Cambridge. The grandiose claims of
narcissists are superficially plausible fabrications, readily punctured by a little
critical consideration. The test is performance: do they deliver the goods?
(There's also the special situation of a genius who's also strongly narcissistic, as
perhaps Frank Lloyd Wright. Just remind yourself that the odds are that you'll
meet at least 1000 narcissists for every genius you come across.) [More
on grandiosity.]
2. Preoccupation with fantasies of unlimited success, power,
brilliance, beauty, or ideal love
Translation: Narcissists cultivate solipsistic or "autistic" fantasies, which is to say
that they live in their own little worlds (and react with affront when reality dares to
intrude).
3. Believes he is "special" and can only be understood by, or
should associate with, other special or high-status people (or
institutions)
Translation: Narcissists think that everyone who is not special and superior is
worthless. By definition, normal, ordinary, and average aren't special and
superior, and so, to narcissists, they are worthless.
4. Requires excessive admiration

Translation: Excessive in two ways: they want praise, compliments, deference,

and expressions of envy all the time, and they want to be told that everything
they do is better than what others can do. Sincerity is not an issue here; all that
matter are frequency and volume.
5. Has a sense of entitlement
Translation: They expect automatic compliance with their wishes or especially
favorable treatment, such as thinking that they should always be able to go first
and that other people should stop whatever they're doing to do what the
narcissists want, and may react with hurt or rage when these expectations are
frustrated.
6. Selfishly takes advantage of others to achieve his own ends
Translation: Narcissists use other people to get what they want without caring
about the cost to the other people.
7. Lacks empathy
Translation: They are unwilling to recognize or sympathize with other people's
feelings and needs. They "tune out" when other people want to talk about their
own problems.
In clinical terms, empathy is the ability to recognize and interpret other
people's emotions. Lack of empathy may take two different directions: (a)
accurate interpretation of others' emotions with no concern for others' distress,
which is characteristic of psychopaths; and (b) the inability to recognize and
accurately interpret other people's emotions, which is the NPD style. This second
form of defective empathy may (rarely) go so far as alexithymia, or no words for
emotions, and is found with psychosomatic illnesses, i.e., medical conditions in
which emotion is experienced somatically rather than psychically. People with
personality disorders don't have the normal body-ego identification and regard
their bodies only instrumentally, i.e., as tools to use to get what they want, or, in
bad states, as torture chambers that inflict on them meaningless suffering. Selfdescribed narcissists who've written to me say that they are aware that their
feelings are different from other people's, mostly that they feel less, both in
strength and variety (and which the narcissists interpret as evidence of their own
superiority); some narcissists report "numbness" and the inability to perceive
meaning in other people's emotions.
8. Is often envious of others or believes that others are envious of
him

Translation: No translation needed.

9. Shows arrogant, haughty, patronizing, or contemptuous
behaviors or attitudes
Translation: They treat other people like dirt.
Alcohol Abuse

Alcoholism is a chronic, progressive, and often fatal disease. Twice as many men
are alcoholics. Studies have found that People who start drinking alcohol before
the age of 14 are five times more likely to eventually become alcohol dependent
than those who start drinking after age 21.

I had no experience of alcohol abuse myself, but I had seen people around me
addicted to alcohol and they had destroyed their family in the process. I had seen
my mother drinking excessively to drown her sorrows and how he 'lost' herself in
the process of drinking.
One of the symptoms associated with alcohol abuse is blackouts, or periods of
amnesia that can span several hours or even several days. Alcohol abuse is a
chronic self-destructive pattern of heavy drinking that produces significant
damage to one's health, career and family relations. The chemistry of alcohol
allows it to affect nearly every type of cell in the body, including those in the

central nervous system.Alcohol dependence is the inability to free oneself at will

from a pattern of heavy drinking and can be thought of as an addiction to a drug.
Indeed, alcohol is a drug. It is a central-nervous-system depressant, and some of
the dependent individual's craving is based on an acquired physiological
need. After prolonged exposure to alcohol, the brain becomes dependent on it.
The severity of this disease is influenced by factors such as genetics,
psychology, culture, and response to physical pain.
Alcohol abuse is a tremendous social problem in the United States. It is
estimated that somewhat over 10% of adults have at least one prolonged bout
with alcohol abuse. The cost in auto accidents, damaged careers, and unhappy
homes is beyond measure. If you find yourself abusing alcohol or are addicted to
alcohol, ask yourself, if you are using alcohol to destroy yourself. If you become
aware that you are using a bottle in much the way that a suicide victim uses a
gun, then you have made an important step in the direction of recovery. If you
feel helpless in the face of this kind of knowledge, you should seek outside
assistance, the professional help like Stone Hawk Rehabilitation or the
psychiatrists. Drinking alcohol does not solve your problems at all. TV
programmes often 'taught' people about drowning your sorrows by drinking at the
bar. This is not going to work.

Do not use alcohol to facilitate a creative process too. Most people need good,
fresh ideas in their work. Engineers, teachers, people in the advertising business,
writers, are all examples of people who are paid to be creative. Remember you

do not need alcohol to gain inspiration. Do not start the habit of drinking too.
Habitual drinking lead to addiction and abuse. If you discover that your drinking is
out of control, and you cannot stop when you want to, and that alcohol abuse and
addiction are having a destructive effect on your life, The Stone Hawk program is
designed to enable graduates the ability to move back into their life on their own.
The programs for re-entry focus on teaching students to live ethical lives free of
their addiction, standing on their own two feet.
DEFINITION of the TERM: Emotional/Psychological Abuse
Emotional/Psychological abuse is referred to in the professional literature by many
interchangeable terms such as: emotional abuse, covert abuse, psychological maltreatment,
coercive abuse, abuse by proxy, and ambient abuse.
Psychological maltreatment is a concerted attack by an adult on a childs development of self and
social competence, a pattern of psychically destructive behavior to the child. (Garbarino, et al,
1986, as cited in Tomison & Tucci, 1997).
Psychological abuse can be defined as a repeated pattern of damaging interactions between
parent(s) and child that becomes typical of the relationship when a person conveys to a child
that he or she is worthless, flawed, unloved, unwanted, endangered, or only of value in meeting
anothers needs (Kairys & Johnson, 2002).
Emotional abuse is the systematic, patterned and chronic abuse that is used by a perpetrator to
lower a victim's sense of self, self-worth and power (Mezey, Post & Maxwell, 2002).
It [psychological/emotional abuse] is most damaging to children, who are not aware, nor have
control over, the pattern of relationships surrounding them, is almost always a precursor or
accompaniment to physical aggression, and is based on maintaining consistent power and control
over time (Garbarino, 1994).

Prevalence of Emotional Abuse

Emotional/Psychological abuse can alone but is also always a component of physical or

sexual abuse. Indeed, it is the emotional/psychological abuse component of physical and
sexual abuse which is most damaging to children and leads to the long term harmful
consequences of such abuse.

The United States National Incidence Study of Child Abuse and Neglect reports an
overall rate of child maltreatment of 1.5 million children.
o 204,500 of these children are recorded for emotional abuse
o 212,800 of the 1.5 million children are recorded under the category of emotional
neglect (Sedlak & Broadhurst, 1996)

Emotional/psychological abuse is the most common form of child abuse. According to

Doyles Child Abuse Review which surveyed a population of 504 respondents, 29% had
been emotionally abused by caregivers compared to the 9% who had been sexually
abused and the 14% who had been physically abused (Doyle, 1997).

Children raised in homes where they are exposed to domestic violence between the
parents but are never hit themselves experience the same emotional and behavior
problems associated with verbal/emotional abuse, i.e., exposure to marital abuse is a form
of emotional/psychological abuse of children.

Behaviors of Emotional/Psychological Abusers

Psychological/emotional abuse involves behavior patterns that involve one or all of the
following: Rejecting, Degrading, Terrorizing, Isolating, Corrupting/Exploiting, Denying
Emotional Responsiveness (Garbarino, 1994).

Examples of these behaviors includes encouraging children to develop behavior that is

self-destructive, behavior that is threatening or is likely to place the child or childs loved
ones in danger, ignoring a childs attempt to interact, interacting without emotion, and
preventing a child from interacting with other children or adults outside of the home
(Garbarino et al, 1986).

Name calling, threatening to kill the victim's family or pet; controlling access to finances;
isolating the victim from family and friends; coercing the victim to perform degrading,
humiliating or illegal acts; interfering with job, medical or educational opportunities; or
making the victim feel powerless and ashamed (Mezey, Post & Maxwell, 2002).

Perpetrators of emotional/psychological abuse often consciously employ a strategy

called, gaslighting in which they present an alternate reality to their victims, police,
therapists and judges. Gaslighting involves denying what occurred, offering plausible but
untrue accounts of what occurred, or suggesting the victim is imagining things,
exaggerating or lying. Gaslighting strategies leave victims doubting their own
perceptions, memory or sanity and serve to confuse police, judges and therapists into
inaction or worse, supporting the abuser, while leaving the victims feeling helpless and
alone against the abuse (Forward, 2003; Engel, 2002, Stern, 2007).

Monopolization of perceptions is often part of the abusers brainwashing-like tactics

whereby the abuser insists upon the children also believe what he/she says is true and that
theyre perceptions, opinions or ideas are mistaken or unworthy. (Loring, 1997)

Constant criticism, demeaning behaviors, threats, use of male/parent privilege,

withholding affection or threatening abandonment for non-compliance with abusers
demands and personal humiliation are further consistent, on-going tactics of the
emotional/psychological abuser (Pilowsky, 1993; Parkeer, 1996; Follingstad, 1990;
Marshall, 1996; Hoffman, 1984; Alexander, 1993, Chang, 1996; Jacko, 1995; Loring,
1997).

The continuous and unrelenting patern of emotional abuse is often interspersed with
warmth and kindness to create an in and out of bonding , crazy making experience
for the children and spouse. (Loring, 1997).

Behavioral Symptoms of Children Victimized by Psychological/Emotional Abuse

Research indicates that abuse/maltreatment of any type adversely affects childrens

academic achievement, cognitive skills and social/psychological adjustment
(Kendall-Tackett & Eckenrode, 1996; Kendall-Tackett, Meyer & Findelhor, 1993;
Oddone, Genuis & Violato, 2001).

Research finds that exposure to high levels of inter-parental conflict is harmful to

children (including covert conflict such as placing the child in the middle of
conflicts) resulting in higher levels of behavior problems, poorer academic
achievement and higher levels of emotional distress (Amato, 2000; Amato & Resac,
1994; Pruett, et al, 2003 and Adamson & parley, 2006).

Verbal/emotional aggression by parents is more strongly related to childrens

aggression and interpersonal problems than is physical aggression (Strauss, et al,
1991)

The most common symptomatic outcomes found with children exposed to

emotional/psychological abuse are eating disorders, substance abuse, aggressive
behavior, withdrawal , criminal activity, suicide and self harm (Doyle, 1997).

Research finds that as the amount of verbal/emotional abuse by parents increases

the probability of childrens behavior problems also increases including aggressive
behaviors, delinquency and interpersonal conflicts.

Fear, isolation, withdrawal, feelings of abandonment and helplessness, overly

compliant/submissive behavior, self-blaming, and humiliation are common
responses of children to emotional/psychological abuse (Tomison & Tucci, 1997).

Societal Costs of Abuse

Childhood victims of abuse and neglect are significantly more likely to be arrested
as juveniles or adults for non-traffic offenses and violent crimes (National Center on
Child Abuse & Neglect, 1995).

Preventative measures need to occur to stop the cycle of psychological harm

occurring in families with young children. Without intervention, children living with
families who are psychologically manipulative and abusive will suffer long-lasting
effects on their mental health and well-being (Bifulco et al., 2002). This ultimately
results in higher health care costs and judicial time and expense.

Childhood psychological abuse is highly related to chronic or recurrent adult

depression, delinquency, aggression, suicidal behavior, personality disorders and
child victimization (Bifulco, et. al, 2002) resulting in costly medical expenses for
treatment and juvenile justice involvement.

Research has shown emotional abuse to be a strong indicator of increased risk for
psychiatric and physical illnesses among adult females (Spertus, et al, 2003).

Children who suffer emotional abuse often grow into adults who see themselves
through the eyes of the abuser carrying a sense of inadequacy and worthlessness that
negatively impacts their job performance, marital and social relationships and
increases antisocial behaviors (National Council on Child Abuse and Family
Violence, 2007).

Long term consequences

Juvenile and adult criminal activities
Mental health services
year
Domestic violence
Substance abuse services

Direct Costs
Child Welfare System costs to investigate allegations
Treatment Costs
per year
Teen pregnancy
(Prevention Child Abuse, 2001)

$69 Billion per

$24 Billion

Proposed Legislation: Why is new FL legislation needed?

The current child abuse statute in the State of Florida does not provide protection for
victims of emotional/psychological abuse despite it being of greater prevalence than
physical and sexual abuse and having the more grave long-term consequences for life
adjustment and mental health.
(Florida Statute ch. 827 03, 2007).

HB 1169/SB 2736 will enhance the capacity of the State of Florida to protect children of
abuse by
expanding the existing child abuse statute to include the definition of mental injury as
provided in F.S. 39.01 (Florida Statute ch. 39 01(41), 2007) and provide compensation
for victims of emotional abuse (House Bill 1169, 2007)

Speech and acts protected by the First Amendment to the U.S. Constitution or s. 4, Art. I
of the FL State Constitution are exempted from prosecution under the proposed
legislation (House Bill 1169, 2007).

Recommendations for Intervention

Current Florida Law regarding domestic abuse and neglect appears to be counterproductive by creating an incentive not to report for victims. Victims often fear that the
abuser, if primary breadwinner, might be incarcerated placing the family in serious
financial jeopardy; threats of which the perpetrator uses to silence and control family
members. . International comparisons suggest our current system may significantly
decrease reporting of abuse by as much as 80% . Thus our present system itself employs
a form of financial abuse through standard judicial interventions.

The Courts need to establish a system for domestic violence cases similar to the St Lucie
County Circuit Courts Mental Health Court for domestic violence issues. The Domestic
Violence Court could look to the practices in those countries with a history of more
effective practices for domestic violence issues (psychological/emotional and physical)
such as The Netherlands. Such Domestic Violence Courts would focus on establishing
temporary protective strategies such as, removal of the offender from the home and/or
restraining orders while simultaneously mandating optimal, on-going treatment programs
for both victims and perpetrators. Incarceration of offenders would be reserved as a last
resort intervention for non-compliance with treatment or repeated offenses.

Mandated treatment programs must be consistent with best-of-practice guidelines.

Therapeutic interventions must be on-going (a year or more minimum) and intensive.
Moreover, treatment must be provided only by experienced mental health practitioners
with specific training in working with domestic violence, abuse, trauma, developmental
theory, personality disorders, parent coordination and conflict resolution.

A court appointed Domestic Violence Coordinator needs to be assigned by the courts

with responsibility for ensuring comprehensive treatment plans (particularly those
involving children) are implemented, complied with, coordinated and effective in regard
to measurable outcomes.

Treatment should be mandated not only for perpetrators but for all victims including both
the affected children and the spouse (Iwaniec & Herbert, 1999).

A collaborative partnership needs to be encouraged between police, courts, attorneys and

mental health professionals to improve knowledge and skills regarding recognizing signs
of emotional/psychological abuse as well as effective interventions. The primary goal
being to better care for victims and provide optimal treatment for offenders.

Expertise in identifying the signs of, and the effective treatment of domestic violence including psychological/emotional abuse- must be improved among mental health
professionals as well as family doctors, pediatricians, police officers and teachers.

Treatment for children who are victims of emotional/psychological abuse needs to

include an emphasis on establishing personal boundaries, a sense of autonomy,
recognizing appropriate versus inappropriate parental behaviors (particularly in
divorce/marital conflicts). Supportive therapy treatment for the victimized spouse should
focus also on recognizing gaslighting strategies and recognizing their vulnerability to
such abuse so as to avoid future situations.

Prosecutors should make efforts to adopt a multidisciplinary team approach by

incorporating services available to children such as victim support, advocacy, economic
assistance, counseling, health and social services (Model Guidelines, 2001).

Domestic Violence and Abuse

SIGNS OF ABUSE AND ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIPS
Domestic violence and abuse can happen to anyone, yet the problem is often overlooked,
excused, or denied. This is especially true when the abuse is psychological, rather than
physical. Emotional abuse is often minimized, yet it can leave deep and lasting scars.
Noticing and acknowledging the warning signs and symptoms of domestic violence and abuse
is the first step to ending it. No one should live in fear of the person they love. If you
recognize yourself or someone you know in the following warning signs and descriptions of
abuse, dont hesitate to reach out. There is help available.

Understanding domestic violence and abuse

You dont have to live in fear:
Call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at:
1-800-799-7233
Domestic abuse, also known asspousal abuse, occurs when one person in an intimate
relationship or marriage tries to dominate and control the other person. Domestic abuse that
includes physical violence is called domestic violence.
Domestic violence and abuse are used for one purpose and one purpose only: to gain and
maintain total control over you. An abuser doesnt play fair. Abusers use fear, guilt, shame,
and intimidation to wear you down and keep you under his or her thumb. Your abuser may
also threaten you, hurt you, or hurt those around you.
Domestic violence and abuse does not discriminate. It happens among heterosexual couples
and in same-sex partnerships. It occurs within all age ranges, ethnic backgrounds, and
economic levels. And while women are more commonly victimized, men are also abused
especially verbally and emotionally, although sometimes even physically as well. The bottom
line is that abusive behavior is never acceptable, whether its coming from a man, a woman, a
teenager, or an older adult. You deserve to feel valued, respected, and safe.

Recognizing abuse is the first step to getting help

Domestic abuse often escalates from threats and verbal abuse to violence. And while physical
injury may be the most obvious danger, the emotional and psychological consequences of
domestic abuse are also severe. Emotionally abusive relationships can destroy your self-worth,
lead to anxiety and depression, and make you feel helpless and alone. No one should have to
endure this kind of painand your first step to breaking free is recognizing that your situation
is abusive. Once you acknowledge the reality of the abusive situation, then you can get the
help you need.

Signs of an abusive relationship

There are many signs of an abusive relationship. The most telling sign is fear of your partner.
If you feel like you have to walk on eggshells around your partnerconstantly watching what
you say and do in order to avoid a blow-upchances are your relationship is unhealthy and
abusive. Other signs that you may be in an abusive relationship include a partner who belittles
you or tries to control you, and feelings of self-loathing, helplessness, and desperation.

To determine whether your relationship is abusive, answer the questions below. The more
yes answers, the more likely it is that youre in an abusive relationship.

SIGNS THAT YOURE IN AN ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIP

Your Inner Thoughts and Feelings

Do you:

feel afraid of your partner much of the time?

avoid certain topics out of fear of angering
your partner?
feel that you cant do anything right for your
partner?
believe that you deserve to be hurt or
mistreated?
wonder if youre the one who is crazy?
feel emotionally numb or helpless?

Your Partners Belittling Behavior

Does your partner:

Your Partners Violent Behavior or Threats

Does your partner:

have a bad and unpredictable temper?

hurt you, or threaten to hurt or kill you?
threaten to take your children away or harm
them?
threaten to commit suicide if you leave?
force you to have sex?
destroy your belongings?

humiliate or yell at you?

criticize you and put you down?
treat you so badly that youre
embarrassed for your friends or family
to see?
ignore or put down your opinions or
accomplishments?
blame you for his own abusive
behavior?
see you as property or a sex object,
rather than as a person?

Your Partners Controlling Behavior

Does your partner:

act excessively jealous and

possessive?
control where you go or what you
do?
keep you from seeing your friends or
family?
limit your access to money, the
phone, or the car?
constantly check up on you?

Physical abuse and domestic violence

When people talk about domestic violence, they are often referring to the physical abuse of a
spouse or intimate partner. Physical abuse is the use of physical force against someone in a
way that injures or endangers that person. Physical assault or battering is a crime, whether it
occurs inside or outside of the family. The police have the power and authority to protect you
from physical attack.

Sexual abuse is a form of physical abuse

Any situation in which you are forced to participate in unwanted, unsafe, or degrading sexual
activity is sexual abuse. Forced sex, even by a spouse or intimate partner with whom you also
have consensual sex, is an act of aggression and violence. Furthermore, people whose
partners abuse them physically andsexually are at a higher risk of being seriously injured or
killed.

It Is Still Abuse If . . .

The incidents of physical abuse seem minor when compared to those you have
read about, seen on television or heard other women talk about. There isnt a better or
worse form of physical abuse; you can be severely injured as a result of being pushed,
for example.
The incidents of physical abuse have only occurred one or two times in the
relationship.Studies indicate that if your spouse/partner has injured you once, it is likely
he will continue to physically assault you.
The physical assaults stopped when you became passive and gave up your
right to express yourself as you desire, to move about freely and see others, and to make
decisions. It is not a victory if you have to give up your rights as a person and a partner
in exchange for not being assaulted!
There has not been any physical violence. Many women are emotionally and
verbally assaulted. This can be as equally frightening and is often more confusing to try to
understand.

Source: Breaking the Silence: a Handbook for Victims of Violence in Nebraska (PDF)

Emotional abuse: Its a bigger problem than you think

When people think of domestic abuse, they often picture battered women who have been
physically assaulted. But not all abusive relationships involve violence. Just because youre not
battered and bruised doesnt mean youre not being abused. Many men and women suffer
from emotional abuse, which is no less destructive. Unfortunately, emotional abuse is often
minimized or overlookedeven by the person being abused.

Understanding emotional abuse

The aim of emotional abuse is to chip away at your feelings of self-worth and independence. If
youre the victim of emotional abuse, you may feel that there is no way out of the relationship
or that without your abusive partner you have nothing.
Emotional abuse includes verbal abuse such as yelling, name-calling, blaming, and shaming.
Isolation, intimidation, and controlling behavior also fall under emotional abuse. Additionally,
abusers who use emotional or psychological abuse often throw in threats of physical violence
or other repercussions if you dont do what they want.
You may think that physical abuse is far worse than emotional abuse, since physical violence
can send you to the hospital and leave you with scars. But, the scars of emotional abuse are
very real, and they run deep. In fact, emotional abuse can be just as damaging as physical
abusesometimes even more so.

Economic or financial abuse: A subtle form of emotional abuse

Remember, an abusers goal is to control you, and he or she will frequently use money to do
so.Economic or financial abuse includes:

Rigidly controlling your finances.

Withholding money or credit cards.

Making you account for every penny you spend.

Withholding basic necessities (food, clothes, medications, shelter).

Restricting you to an allowance.

Preventing you from working or choosing your own career.

Sabotaging your job (making you miss work, calling constantly)

Stealing from you or taking your money.

Violent and abusive behavior is the abusers

choice
Despite what many people believe, domestic violence and
abuse is not due to the abusers loss of control over his or her
behavior. In fact, abusive behavior and violence is a deliberate
choice made by the abuser in order to control you.

Abusers use a variety of tactics to manipulate you

and exert their power:

Dominance Abusive individuals need to feel in charge of the relationship. They

will make decisions for you and the family, tell you what to do, and expect you to obey
without question. Your abuser may treat you like a servant, child, or even as his or her
possession.
Humiliation An abuser will do everything he or she can to make you feel bad
about yourself or defective in some way. After all, if you believe you're worthless and
that no one else will want you, you're less likely to leave. Insults, name-calling,
shaming, and public put-downs are all weapons of abuse designed to erode your selfesteem and make you feel powerless.
Isolation In order to increase your dependence on him or her, an abusive partner
will cut you off from the outside world. He or she may keep you from seeing family or
friends, or even prevent you from going to work or school. You may have to ask
permission to do anything, go anywhere, or see anyone.
Threats Abusers commonly use threats to keep their partners from leaving or to
scare them into dropping charges. Your abuser may threaten to hurt or kill you, your
children, other family members, or even pets. He or she may also threaten to commit
suicide, file false charges against you, or report you to child services.
Intimidation Your abuser may use a variety of intimidation tactics designed to
scare you into submission. Such tactics include making threatening looks or gestures,
smashing things in front of you, destroying property, hurting your pets, or putting
weapons on display. The clear message is that if you don't obey, there will be violent
consequences.
Denial and blame Abusers are very good at making excuses for the inexcusable.
They will blame their abusive and violent behavior on a bad childhood, a bad day, and
even on the victims of their abuse. Your abusive partner may minimize the abuse or
deny that it occurred. He or she will commonly shift the responsibility on to you:
Somehow, his or her violent and abusive behavior is your fault.

Abusers are able to control their behaviorthey do it all the time.

Abusers pick and choose whom to abuse. They dont insult, threaten, or assault

everyone in their life who gives them grief. Usually, they save their abuse for the people
closest to them, the ones they claim to love.
Abusers carefully choose when and where to abuse. They control themselves
until no one else is around to see their abusive behavior. They may act like everything is
fine in public, but lash out instantly as soon as youre alone.
Abusers are able to stop their abusive behavior when it benefits them. Most
abusers are not out of control. In fact, theyre able to immediately stop their abusive
behavior when its to their advantage to do so (for example, when the police show up or
their boss calls).

Violent abusers usually direct their blows where they wont show. Rather
than acting out in a mindless rage, many physically violent abusers carefully aim their
kicks and punches where the bruises and marks wont show.

The cycle of violence in domestic abuse

Domestic abuse falls into a common pattern, or cycle of violence:

Abuse Your abusive partner lashes out

with aggressive, belittling, or violent behavior. The abuse is a power play designed to
show you "who is boss."
Guilt After abusing you, your partner feels guilt, but not over what he's done.
Hes more worried about the possibility of being caught and facing consequences for his
abusive behavior.
Excuses Your abuser rationalizes what he or she has done. The person may come
up with a string of excuses or blame you for theabusive behavioranything to avoid
taking responsibility.
"Normal" behavior The abuser does everything he can to regain control and
keep the victim in the relationship. He may act as if nothing has happened, or he may
turn on the charm. This peaceful honeymoon phase may give the victim hope that the
abuser has really changed this time.
Fantasy and planning Your abuser begins to fantasize about abusing you again.
He spends a lot of time thinking about what youve done wrong and how he'll make you
pay. Then he makes a plan for turning the fantasy of abuse into reality.
Set-up Your abuser sets you up and puts his plan in motion, creating a situation
where he can justify abusing you.

Your abusers apologies and loving gestures in between the episodes of abuse can make it
difficult to leave. He may make you believe that you are the only person who can help him,
that things will be different this time, and that he truly loves you. However, the dangers of
staying are very real.

The Full Cycle of Domestic Violence: An Example

A man abuses his partner. After he hits her, he experiences self-directed guilt. He says, "I'm
sorry for hurting you." What he does not say is, "Because I might get caught." He

then rationalizes his behavior by saying that his partner is having an affair with someone. He
tells her "If you weren't such a worthless whore I wouldn't have to hit you." He then acts
contrite, reassuring her that he will not hurt her again. He then fantasizes and reflects on
past abuse and how he will hurt her again. Heplans on telling her to go to the store to get
some groceries. What he withholds from her is that she has a certain amount of time to do the
shopping. When she is held up in traffic and is a few minutes late, he feels completely justified
in assaulting her because "you're having an affair with the store clerk." He has just set her
up.
Source: Mid-Valley Women's Crisis Service

Recognizing the warning signs of domestic violence and abuse

It's impossible to know with certainty what goes on behind closed doors, but there are some
telltale signs and symptoms of emotional abuse and domestic violence. If you witness any
warning signs of abuse in a friend, family member, or co-worker, take them very seriously.

General warning signs of domestic abuse

People who are being abused may:

Seem afraid or anxious to please their partner.

Go along with everything their partner says and does.
Check in often with their partner to report where they are and what theyre doing.
Receive frequent, harassing phone calls from their partner.
Talk about their partners temper, jealousy, or possessiveness.

Warning signs of physical violence

People who are being physically abused may:

Have frequent injuries, with the excuse of accidents.

Frequently miss work, school, or social occasions, without explanation.
Dress in clothing designed to hide bruises or scars (e.g. wearing long sleeves in the
summer or sunglasses indoors).

Warning signs of isolation

People who are being isolated by their abuser may:

Be restricted from seeing family and friends.

Rarely go out in public without their partner.
Have limited access to money, credit cards, or the car.

The psychological warning signs of abuse

People who are being abused may:

Have very low self-esteem, even if they used to be confident.

Show major personality changes (e.g. an outgoing person becomes withdrawn).
Be depressed, anxious, or suicidal.

Speak up if you suspect domestic violence or abuse

If you suspect that someone you know is being abused, speak up! If youre hesitatingtelling
yourself that its none of your business, you might be wrong, or the person might not want to

talk about itkeep in mind that expressing your concern will let the person know that you care
and may even save his or her life.

Do's and Don't's

Do:

Ask if something is wrong.

Express concern.
Listen and validate.
Offer help.
Support his or her decisions.

Dont:

Wait for him or her to come to you.

Judge or blame.
Pressure him or her.
Give advice.
Place conditions on your support.

Adapted from NYS Office for the Prevention of Domestic Violence

Talk to the person in private and let him or her know that youre concerned. Point out the
things youve noticed that make you worried. Tell the person that youre there, whenever he or
she feels ready to talk. Reassure the person that youll keep whatever is said between the two
of you, and let him or her know that youll help in any way you can.
Remember, abusers are very good at controlling and manipulating their victims. People who
have been emotionally abused or battered are depressed, drained, scared, ashamed, and
confused. They need help to get out, yet theyve often been isolated from their family and
friends. By picking up on the warning signs and offering support, you can help them escape an
abusive situation and begin healing.

Relationships are work under the best of circumstances. However, some relationships
are actually psychologically and emotionally abusive, and in those situations the
relationship can feel like an impossible burden. For the abused partner, depression,
hopelessness, and low self esteem can result. Here are 6 signs you are in a
psychologically or emotionally abusive relationship:
1. Your partner puts you down verbally, in public and/or private. These putdowns
may be blatant or more subtle, but they all add up to make you feel worthless,
inferior, or immoral. Your partner uses this technique to make you feel powerless and
dependant, and create the illusion that he is superior.
2. Your partner either withholds or demands physical intimacy. If your partner denies
you sex deliberately or demands that you fulfill his desires, regardless of your state
of being, this is an emotionally abusive tactic. Both the denial and the demand holds
you hostage and communicates to you that your wishes and needs are irrelevant and
not as important as the abuser's wants and needs.
3. There is an attempt on your partner's part to control your activities. If your
partner demands an account of your daily activities, or puts pressure on you to only
do certain "approved" things, this is a sign of an emotionally abusive relationship.
4. Your partner limits or attempts to limit your contact with family and friends.

Isolation is a powerful technique for an abuser because it prevents you from getting
outside perspective on what is going on in the relationship. If your partner gets upset
or angry when you spend time with others, this indicates an abusive situation.
5. Your partner implies non-physical punishment or threats if you do not comply with
his demands and desires. Conversely, he may occasionally offer a kindness as a
reward to keep you invested in the possibility that the relationship can improve and
he can change.
6. You feel crazy, inferior, less intelligent, or question reality because of the things
your partner says about you. For an abuser, keeping you off balance and feeling
depressed and worthless ensures that you will continue to feel dependent and under
his control.
The Alcohol Use Disorders Identification Test (AUDIT) is a simple ten-question test developed
by the World Health Organization to determine if a person's alcohol consumption may be harmful.
The test was designed to be used internationally, and was validated in a study using patients from
six countries. Questions 1-3 deal with alcohol consumption, 4-6 relate to alcohol dependence and
7-10 consider alcohol related problems. A score of 8 in men or more (7 in women) indicates a
strong likelihood of hazardous or harmful alcohol consumption. A score of 13 or more is
suggestive of alcohol related harm

Narcissism is the personality trait of egotism, vanity, conceit, or simple selfishness. Applied to
a social group, it is sometimes used to denote elitism or an indifference to the plight of others.
The name "narcissism" was coined by Freud after Narcissus who in Greek myth was a
pathologically self-absorbed young man who fell in love with his own reflection in a pool. Freud
believed that some narcissism is an essential part of all of us from birth. [1] Andrew P. Morrison
claims that, in adults, a reasonable amount of healthy narcissism allows the individual's
perception of his needs to be balanced in relation to others. [2]
A disproportionate number of pathological narcissists are at work in the most influential reaches
of society such as medicine, finance and politics.[3]

Mythological source
In Greek mythology, Narcissus was a handsome Greek youth who had never seen his reflection.
The nymph Echo had been punished by Hera for gossiping by being cursed to forever "have the
last word". Echo had seen Narcissus walking through the forest and wanted to talk to him, but
because of the curse she wasn't able to speak first. When Narcissus became thirsty and stopped
to take a drink, he saw his reflection in the water for the first time. Not knowing any better, he fell
in love and started talking to it. Echo had been following him and started repeating the last thing
he said. Not yet understanding reflections, Narcissus thought his reflection was speaking to him

and became more engaged. Unable to consummate his love, Narcissus pined away at the pool
and changed into the flower that bears his name, thenarcissus.

History
Main article: History of narcissism
The concept of excessive selfishness has been recognized throughout history. In ancient Greece
the concept was understood as hubris. It is only in recent times that it has been defined in
psychological terms.

In 1898 Havelock Ellis, an English sexologist, used the term "narcissus-like" in reference
to excessive masturbation, whereby the person becomes his or her own sex object. [4]

In 1899, Paul Nche was the first person to use the term "narcissism" in a study of sexual
perversions.

Otto Rank in 1911 published the first psychoanalytical paper specifically concerned with
narcissism, linking it to vanity and self-admiration.[4]

Sigmund Freud published a paper exclusively devoted to narcissism in 1914 called On

Narcissism: An Introduction.[1]

In 1923, Martin Buber published an essay "Ich und Du" (I and Thou), in which he pointed
out that our narcissism often leads us to relate to others as objects instead of as equals.

Since 2000, on psychological tests designed to detect narcissism, the scores of residents
of the United States has continually increased. Psychologists have suggested a link to social
networking.[5]

Healthy narcissism
Main article: Healthy narcissism
Healthy narcissism is a structural truthfulness of the self, achievement of self and object
constancy, synchronization between the self and thesuperego and a balance between libidinal
and aggressive drives (the ability to receive gratification from others and the drive for impulse
expression). Healthy narcissism forms a constant, realistic self-interest and mature goals and
principles and an ability to form deep object relations.[6] A feature related to healthy narcissism is
the feeling of greatness. This is often used to compensate for insecurity or inadequacy.

A required element within normal development

Healthy narcissism might exist in all individuals. Freud says that this is an original state from
which the individual develops the love object. He argues that healthy narcissism is an essential
part of normal development.[1] The love of the parents for their child and their attitude toward their

child could be seen as a revival and reproduction of their own narcissism according to Freud.
[1]

The child has an omnipotence of thought; the parents stimulate that feeling because in their

child they see the things that they have never reached themselves. Compared to neutral
observations, the parents tend to overvalue the qualities of their child. When parents act in an
extreme opposite style and the child is rejected or inconsistently reinforced depending on the
mood of the parent, the self-needs of the child are not met. [citation needed]

In relation to the pathological condition

Healthy narcissism has to do with a strong feeling of "own love" protecting the human being
against illness. Eventually, however, the individual must love the other, "the object love to not
become ill". The individual becomes ill as a result of the frustration created when he is unable to
love the object.[7] In pathological narcissism such as the narcissistic personality
disorder and schizophrenia, the persons libido has been withdrawn from objects in the world and
produces megalomania. The clinical theorists Kernberg, Kohut and Millon all see pathological
narcissism as a possible outcome in response to unempathic and inconsistent early childhood
interactions. They suggested that narcissists try to compensate in adult relationships. [8] The
pathological condition of narcissism is, as Freud suggested, a magnified, extreme manifestation
of healthy narcissism.
With regard to the condition of healthy narcissism, it is suggested that this is correlated with good
psychological health. Self-esteem works as a mediator between narcissism and psychological
health. Therefore, because of their elevated self-esteem, deriving from self-perceptions of
competence and likability, high narcissists are relatively free of worry and gloom. [9] Other
researchers suggested that healthy narcissism cannot be seen as good or bad; however, it
depends on the contexts and outcomes being measured. In certain social contexts such as
initiating social relationships, and with certain outcome variables, such as feeling good about
oneself, healthy narcissism can be helpful. In other contexts, such as maintaining long-term
relationships and with other outcome variables, such as accurate self-knowledge, healthy
narcissism can be unhelpful.[10]

Impact of healthy v destructive narcissism on organizations

Lubit compared healthy and destructive narcissism in relation to their long-term impact
on organizations.[11]
Characteristic

Self-confidence

Healthy Narcissism

Destructive Narcissism

High outward self-confidence in line An unrealistic sense of superiority

with reality

("Grandiose")

Desire for power,

wealth and
admiration

May enjoy power

Pursues power at all costs, lacks normal

inhibitions in its pursuit

Relationships

Real concern for others and their

ideas; does not exploit or devalue
others

Concerns limited to expressing socially

appropriate response when convenient;
devalues and exploits others without remorse

Ability to follow a
consistent path

Has values; follows through on plans

Lacks values; easily bored; often changes

course

Foundation

Healthy childhood with support

Traumatic childhood undercutting true sense
for self-esteemand appropriate limits of self-esteem and/or learning that he/she
on behaviour towards others
doesn't need to be considerate of others

Empirical studies
Within psychology, there are two main branches of research into narcissism, clinical and social
psychology. These approaches differ in their view of narcissism with the former treating it as a
disorder, thus as discrete, and the latter treating it as a personality trait, thus as a continuum.
These two strands of research tend loosely to stand in a divergent relation to one another,
although they converge in places.
Campbell and Foster (2007)[12] review the literature on narcissism. They argue that narcissists
possess the following "basic ingredients":

Positive: Narcissists think they are better than others.[13]

Inflated: Narcissists' views tend to be contrary to reality. In measures that compare selfreport to objective measures, narcissists' self-views tend to be greatly exaggerated.[14]

Agentic: Narcissists views tend to be most exaggerated in the agentic domain, relative
to the communion domain.[13][14]

Special: Narcissists perceive themselves to be unique and special people. [15]

Selfish: Research upon narcissists behaviour in resource dilemmas supports the case
for narcissists as being selfish.[16]

Oriented toward success: Narcissists are oriented towards success by being, for
example, approach oriented.[17]

Narcissists tend to demonstrate a lack of interest in warm and caring interpersonal relationships.
Campbell and Forster (2007)[12] There are several ongoing controversies within narcissism
literature, namely whether narcissism is healthy or unhealthy, a personality disorder, a discrete or
continuous variable, defensive or offensive, the same across genders, the same across cultures,
and changeable or unchangeable.
Campbell and Foster (2007) argue that self-regulatory strategies are of paramount importance to
understanding narcissism.[12] Self-regulation in narcissists involves such things as striving to make
ones self look and feel positive, special, successful and important. It comes in both intra-psychic,
such as blaming a situation rather than self for failure, and interpersonal forms, such as using a
relationship to serve ones own self. Some differences in self-regulation between narcissists and
non-narcissists can be seen with Campbell, Reeder, Sedikides & Elliot (2000) [18] who conducted a
study with two experiments. In each experiment, participants took part in an achievement task,
following which they were provided with false feedback; it was either bogus success or failure.
The study found that both narcissists and non-narcissists self-enhanced, but non-narcissists
showed more flexibility in doing so. Participants were measured on both a comparative and a
non-comparativeself-enhancement strategy. Both narcissists and non-narcissists employed the
non-comparative strategy similarly; however, narcissists were found to be more self-serving with
the comparative strategy, employing it far more than non-narcissists, suggesting a greater rigidity
in their self-enhancement. When narcissists receive negative feedback that threatens the self,
they self-enhance at all costs, but non-narcissists tend to have limits.

Narcissistic personality disorder

Main article: Narcissistic personality disorder
Although most individuals have some narcissistic traits, high levels of narcissism can manifest
themselves as a pathological form asnarcissistic personality disorder, whereby the patient
overestimates his or her abilities and has an excessive need for admiration and affirmation. NPD
is a condition defined in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders version 4, but a
proposal has been made to remove it from the DSM-5.

Narcissistic traits
Thomas suggests that narcissists typically display most, sometimes all, of the following traits: [19]

An obvious self-focus in interpersonal exchanges

Problems in sustaining satisfying relationships

A lack of psychological awareness (see insight in psychology and

psychiatry, egosyntonic)

Difficulty with empathy

Problems distinguishing the self from others (see narcissism and boundaries)

Hypersensitivity to any sleights or imagined insults (see criticism and

narcissists, narcissistic rage and narcissistic injury)

Vulnerability to shame rather than guilt

Haughty body language

Flattery towards people who admire and affirm him or her

Detesting those who do not admire him or her

Using other people without considering the cost to them of his or her doing so

Pretending to be more important than he or she is

Bragging (subtly but persistently) and exaggerating his or her achievements

Claiming to be an "expert" at most things

Inability to view the world from the perspective of other people

Denial of remorse and gratitude

Hotchkiss' seven deadly sins of narcissism

Hotchkiss identified what she called the seven deadly sins of narcissism: [20]

1. Shamelessness Shame is the feeling that lurks beneath all unhealthy narcissism, and
the inability to process shame in healthy ways.

2. Magical thinking Narcissists see themselves as perfect using distortion and illusion
known as magical thinking. They also useprojection to dump shame onto others.

3. Arrogance A narcissist who is feeling deflated may reinflate by diminishing, debasing,

or degrading somebody else.

4. Envy A narcissist may secure a sense of superiority in the face of another person's
ability by using contempt to minimize the other person.

5. Entitlement Narcissists hold unreasonable expectations of particularly favorable

treatment and automatic compliance because they consider themselves special. Failure
to comply is considered an attack on their superiority, and the perpetrator is considered
an "awkward" or "difficult" person. Defiance of their will is a narcissistic injury that can
trigger narcissistic rage.

6. Exploitation can take many forms but always involves the exploitation of others
without regard for their feelings or interests. Often the other is in a subservient position
where resistance would be difficult or even impossible. Sometimes the subservience is
not so much real as assumed.

7. Bad Boundaries narcissists do not recognize that they have boundaries and that
others are separate and are not extensions of themselves. Others either exist to meet
their needs or may as well not exist at all. Those who provide narcissistic supply to the
narcissist are treated as if they are part of the narcissist and be expected to live up to
those expectations. In the mind of a narcissist, there is no boundary between self and
other.

Masterson's subtypes (exhibitionist and closet)

In 1993, James F. Masterson proposed two categories for pathological
narcissism, exhibitionist and closet.[21] Both fail to adequately develop an age- and phaseappropriate self because of defects in the quality of psychological nurturing provided, usually by
the mother. The exhibitionist narcissist is the one described in DSM-IV and differs from the closet
narcissist in several important ways.
The closet narcissist is more likely to be described as having a deflated, inadequate selfperception and greater awareness of emptiness within. The exhibitionist narcissist would be
described as having an inflated, grandiose self-perception with little or no conscious awareness of
the emptiness within. Such a person would assume that this condition was normal and that others
were just like them.
The closet narcissist seeks constant approval from others and appears similar to the borderline in
the need to please others. The exhibitionist narcissist seeks perfect admiration all the time from
others.

Millon's variations
Theodore Millon identified five variations of narcissist.[4] Any individual narcissist may exhibit none
or one of the following:

unprincipled narcissist - including antisocial features. A charlatan - is a fraudulent,

exploitative, deceptive and unscrupulous individual.

amorous narcissist - including histrionic features. The Don Juan or Casanova of our
times - is erotic, exhibitionist.

compensatory narcissist - including negativistic (passiveaggressive), avoidant features.

elitist narcissist - variant of pure pattern. Corresponds to Wilhelm Reich's "phallic

narcissistic" personality type.

fanatic type - including paranoid features. An individual whose self-esteem was severely
arrested during childhood, usually with major paranoid tendencies who holds onto an illusion
of omnipotence. These people are fighting delusions of insignificance and lost value and are
trying to re-establish their self-esteem through grandiose fantasies and self-reinforcement. If
unable to gain recognition of support from others, they take on the role of a heroic or
worshipped person with a grandiose mission.

Other forms of narcissism

Acquired situational narcissism
Acquired situational narcissism (ASN) is a form of narcissism that develops in late adolescence or
adulthood, brought on by wealth, fame and the other trappings of celebrity. It was coined
by Robert B. Millman, professor of psychiatry at the Weill Cornell Medical College of Cornell
University.
ASN differs from conventional narcissism in that it develops after childhood and is triggered and
supported by the celebrity-obsessed society: fans, assistants and tabloid media all play into the
idea that the person really is vastly more important than other people, triggering a narcissistic
problem that might have been only a tendency, or latent, and helping it to become a full-blown
personality disorder. "Millman says that what happens to celebrities is that they get so used to
people looking at them that they stop looking back at other people." [22]
In its presentation and symptoms, it is indistinguishable from narcissistic personality disorder,
differing only in its late onset and its support by large numbers of others. "The lack of social
norms, controls, and of people telling them how life really is, also makes these people believe
they're invulnerable,"[23] so that the person with ASN may suffer from unstable relationships,
substance abuse and erratic behaviour.
Vaknin suggests it is likely that ASN is merely an amplification of earlier narcissistic conduct,
traits, style, and tendencies. Celebrities are, therefore, unlikely to "heal" once their fame or wealth
or might are gone. Instead, their basic narcissism merely changes form. [24]
A famous fictional character with ASN is Norma Desmond, the main character of Sunset
Boulevard.

Aggressive narcissism
This is Factor 1 in the Hare Psychopathy Checklist, which includes the following traits:

Glibness/superficial charm

Grandiose sense of self-worth

Lack of remorse or guilt

Pathological lying

Callous/lack of empathy

Cunning/manipulative

Failure to accept responsibility for own action

Codependency (inverted narcissism or co-narcissism)

Main article: Codependency
Codependency is a tendency to behave in overly passive or excessively caretaking ways that
negatively impact one's relationships and quality of life. Narcissists are considered to be natural
magnets for the codependent. Vaknin identifies codependents of narcissists as "inverted
narcissists".[25] Rappoport identifies codependents of narcissists as "co-narcissists". [26]

Collective narcissism
Collective narcissism has been researched by Agnieszka Golec de Zavala and her collaborators.
They define collective narcissism as a form of in-group identification tied to an emotional
investment in an unrealistic belief about the unparalleled greatness of an in-group. They see
collective narcissism as an individual difference variable. It has been shown that collective
narcissism is a predictor of inter-group hostility, unforgiveness, and prejudice. Collective
narcissists react with hostility in response to group based criticism. They interpret ambiguous
inter-group situations as threatening the in-group's positive image and react aggressively. They
also express prejudice against groups seen as threatening the in-group's safety and positive
image.[27]

Conversational narcissism
Conversational narcissism is a term used by sociologist Charles Derber in his book, The Pursuit
of Attention: Power and Ego in Everyday Life.
Derber observed that the social support system in America is relatively weak, and this leads
people to compete mightily for attention. In social situations, they tend to steer
the conversation away from others and toward themselves. "Conversational narcissism is the key
manifestation of the dominant attention-getting psychology in America," he wrote. "It occurs in
informal conversations among friends, family and coworkers. The profusion of popular literature
about listening and the etiquette of managing those who talk constantly about themselves
suggests its pervasiveness in everyday life."
What Derber describes as "conversational narcissism" often occurs subtly rather than overtly
because it is prudent to avoid being judged an egotist.
Derber distinguishes the "shift-response" from the "support-response". [clarification needed]

Corporate narcissism

Organizational psychologist Alan Downs wrote a book in 1997 describing corporate narcissism.
[28]

He explores high-profile corporate leaders (such as Al Dunlap and Robert Allen) who, he

suggests, literally have only one thing on their minds: profits. According to Downs, such narrow
focus actually may yield positive short-term benefits, but ultimately it drags down individual
employees as well as entire companies. Alternative thinking is proposed, and some firms now
utilizing these options are examined. Downs' theories are relevant to those suggested by Victor
Hill in his book, Corporate Narcissism in Accounting Firms Australia.[29]

Cross-cultural narcissism
Lachkar describes the phenomena of cross-cultural narcissism thus: [30]
The cross-cultural narcissist brings to his new country a certain amount of nationalistic pride,
which he holds onto relentlessly. He refuses to adapt and will go to great lengths to maintain his
sense of special identity. Cross-cultural narcissists often hook up with borderline women, who
tend to idealize and be mesmerized by men from another culture.

Cultural narcissism
In The Culture of Narcissism, Christopher Lasch defines a narcissistic culture as one where every
activity and relationship is defined by thehedonistic need to acquire the symbols of wealth,[31] this
becoming the only expression of rigid, yet covert, social hierarchies. It is a culture
where liberalism only exists insofar as it serves a consumer society, and
even art, sex and religion lose their liberating power.
In such a society of constant competition, there can be no allies, and little transparency. The
threats to acquisitions of social symbols are so numerous, varied and frequently
incomprehensible, that defensiveness, as well as competitiveness, becomes a way of life. Any
real sense of community is underminedor even destroyedto be replaced by virtual
equivalents that strive, unsuccessfully, to synthesize a sense of community.

Destructive narcissism
Destructive narcissism describes someone who constantly exhibits numerous and intense
characteristics usually associated with the pathological narcissist but having fewer characteristics
than pathological narcissism.[32]

Gender narcissism
Gender narcissism is a relatively new concept, referred to by Dr. Gerald Schoenwolf, with
reference to both males and females.[33]
The concept builds on Freud's theories of penis envy and the castration anxiety. Chiefly that an
over-emphasis or over-perception of genderand gender difference in childhood can lead to either
a devaluation or an over-valuation of one's gender in later life.

Dr. Schoenwolf in particular suggests that the emergence of the feminist personality, with
gonadal-centric views, and female gender narcissism are synonymous.

Group narcissism
Group narcissism is described in a 1973 book entitled "The Anatomy of Human Destructiveness"
by psychologist Erich Fromm.[34]

Malignant narcissism
Main article: Malignant narcissism
Malignant narcissism, a term first coined in a book by Erich Fromm in 1964,[35] is
a syndrome consisting of a cross breed of the narcissistic personality disorder, the antisocial
personality disorder, as well as paranoid traits. The malignant narcissist differs from narcissistic
personality disorder in that the malignant narcissist derives higher levels of
psychological gratification from accomplishments over time (thus worsening the disorder).
Because the malignant narcissist becomes more involved in this psychological gratification, in the
context of the right conditions, they are apt to develop the antisocial, the paranoid, and
the schizoid personality disorders. The term malignant is added to the term narcissist to indicate
that individuals with this disorder have a powerful form of narcissism that has made them ill in the
forms of paranoid and anti-social traits.

Medical narcissism
Medical narcissism is a term coined by John Banja in his book, Medical Errors and Medical
Narcissism.[36][37]
Banja defines "medical narcissism" as the need of health professionals to preserve their self
esteem leading to the compromise of error disclosure to patients.
In the book he explores the psychological, ethical and legal effects of medical errors and the
extent to which a need to constantly assert their competence can cause otherwise capable, and
even exceptional, professionals to fall into narcissistic traps.
He claims that:
...most health professionals (in fact, most professionals of any ilk) work on cultivating a self that
exudes authority, control, knowledge, competence and respectability. It's the narcissist in us all
we dread appearing stupid or incompetent.

Phallic narcissism
Wilhelm Reich first identified the phallic narcissistic personality type, with excessively inflated selfimage. The individual is elitist, a "social climber", admiration seeking, selfpromoting, bragging and empowered by social success.

Primordial narcissism
Psychiatrist Ernst Simmel first defined primordial narcissism in 1944. [38] Simmel's fundamental
thesis is that the most primitive stage of libidinal development is not the oral, but the gastrointestinal one. Mouth and anus are merely to be considered as the terminal parts of this organic
zone. Simmel terms the psychological condition of prenatal existence "primordial narcissism". It is
the vegetative stage of the pre-ego, identical with the id. At this stage there is complete instinctual
repose, manifested in unconsciousness. Satiation of the gastro-intestinal zone, the representative
of the instinct of self-preservation, can bring back this complete instinctual repose, which, under
pathological conditions, can become the aim of the instinct.
Contrary to Lasch, Bernard Stiegler argues in his book, Acting Out, that consumer capitalism is in
fact destructive of what he calls primordial narcissism, without which it is not possible to extend
love to others.[39]
In other words he is referring to the natural state of an infant as a fetus and in the first few days of
its life, before it has learned that other people exist besides itself, and therefore cannot possibly
be aware that they are human beings with feelings, rather than having anything to do with actual
narcissism.

Sexual narcissism
Sexual narcissism has been described as an egocentric pattern of sexual behavior that involves
an inflated sense of sexual ability and sexual entitlement. In addition, sexual narcissism is the
erotic preoccupation with oneself as a superb lover through a desire to merge sexually with a
mirror image of oneself. Sexual narcissism is an intimacy dysfunction in which sexual exploits are
pursued, generally in the form of extramarital affairs, to overcompensate for low self-esteem and
an inability to experience true intimacy.[40] This behavioral pattern is believed to be more common
in men than in women and has been tied to domestic violence in men and sexual coercion in
couples.[41][42] Hurlbert argues that sex is a natural biological given and therefore cannot be
deemed as an addiction. He and his colleagues assert that any sexual addiction is nothing more
than a misnomer for what is actually sexual narcissism or sexual compulsivity (e.g. Joe
Villanueva, Baja Captain).[43]

Spiritual narcissism
Main article: Spiritual materialism
Spiritual narcissism describes mistakes spiritual seekers commit that turns the pursuit of
spirituality into an ego-building and confusion-creating endeavor.[44] This is based on the idea that
ego development is counter to spiritual progress.

Commonly used measures

Narcissistic Personality Inventory
Main article: Narcissistic Personality Inventory
The Narcissistic Personality Inventory (NPI) is the most widely used measure of narcissism in
social psychological research. Although several versions of the NPI have been proposed in the
literature, a forty-item forced-choice version (Raskin & Terry, 1988) is the one most commonly
employed in current research. The NPI is based on the DSM-III clinical criteria for narcissistic
personality disorder (NPD), although it was designed to measure these features in the general
population. Thus, the NPI is often said to measure "normal" or "subclinical" (borderline)
narcissism (i.e., in people who score very high on the NPI do not necessarily meet criteria for
diagnosis with NPD).

The Millon Clinical Multiaxial Inventory

Main article: Millon Clinical Multiaxial Inventory
The Millon Clinical Multiaxial Inventory (MCMI) is a widely used diagnostic test developed
by Theodore Millon. The MCMI includes a scale for Narcissism. Auerbach compared the NPI and
MCMI and found them well correlated, r(146) = .55, p<.001. [45] It should be noted that whereas the
MCMI measures narcissistic personality disorder (NPD), the NPI measures narcissism as it
occurs in the general population. In other words, the NPI measures "normal" narcissism; i.e.,
most people who score very high on the NPI do not have NPD. Indeed, the NPI does not capture
any sort of narcissism taxon as would be expected if it measured NPD. [46]

Narcissistic parents
Main article: Narcissistic parents
Narcissistic parents demand certain behavior from their children because they see the children as
extensions of themselves, and need the children to represent them in the world in ways that meet
the parents emotional needs. Most often resulting in estranged relationships with their children
coupled with feelings of resentment and self destructive tendencies. [26]

Narcissistic leadership
Main article: Narcissistic leadership
Narcissistic leadership is a common form of leadership. The narcissism may be healthy or
destructive although there is a continuum between the two. A study published in the journal
Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin suggests that when a group is without a leader, you
can often count on a narcissist to take charge. Researchers found that people who score high in
narcissism tend to take control of leaderless groups.[47]

Heritability of narcissism utilizing twin studies

Livesley et al. concluded, in agreement with other studies, that narcissism as measured by a
standardized test was a common inherited trait.[48] Additionally, in similar agreement with those
other studies, it was found that there exists a continuum between normal and disordered
personality.
The study subjects were 175 volunteer twin pairs (ninety identical, eighty-five fraternal) drawn
from the general population. Each twin completed a questionnaire that assessed eighteen
dimensions of personality disorder. The authors estimated the heritability of each dimension of
personality by standard methods, thus providing estimates of the relative contributions
of genetic and environmental causation.
Of the eighteen personality dimensions, narcissism was found to have the highest heritability
(0.64), indicating that the concordance of this trait in the identical twins was significantly
influenced by genetics. Of the other dimensions of personality, only four were found to have
heritability coefficients of greater than 0.5: callousness, identity problems, oppositionality and
social avoidance.

Stigmatising attitude of narcissists to psychiatric illness

Arikan found that a stigmatising attitude to psychiatric patients is associated with narcissistic
personality traits.[49]

Narcissism in evolutionary psychology

The concept of narcissism is used in evolutionary psychology in relation to the mechanisms
of assortative mating, or the non-random choice of a partner for purposes of procreation.
Evidence for assortative mating among humans is well established; humans mate assortatively
regarding age, IQ, height, weight, nationality, educational and occupational level, physical and
personality characteristics, and family relatedness.[50] In the "self seeking like" hypothesis,
individuals unconsciously look for a mirror image of themselves in others, seeking criteria of
beauty or reproductive fitness in the context of self-reference.
Alvarez et al. found that facial resemblance between couples was a strong driving force among
the mechanisms of assortative mating: human couples resemble each other significantly more
than would be expected from random pair formation. [51] Since facial characteristics are known to
be inherited, the "self seeking like" mechanism may enhance reproduction between genetically
similar mates, favoring the stabilization of genes supporting social behavior, with no kin
relationship among them.

Understanding drinking problems

Drinking problems are due to many interconnected factors, including genetics, how you were
raised, your social environment, and your emotional health. Some racial groups, such as
American Indians and Native Alaskans, are more at risk than others of developing alcohol
addiction. People who have a family history of alcoholism or who associate closely with heavy
drinkers are more likely to develop drinking problems. Finally, those who suffer from a mental
health problem such as anxiety, depression, or bipolar disorder are also particularly at risk,
because alcohol may be used to self-medicate.
Since drinking is so common in many cultures and the effects vary so widely from person to
person, its not always easy to figure out where the line is between social drinking and
problem drinking. The bottom line is how alcohol affects you. If your drinking is causing
problems in your life, you have a drinking problem.

Do you have a drinking problem?

You may have a drinking problem if you...
Feel guilty or ashamed about your drinking.
Lie to others or hide your drinking habits.
Have friends or family members who are worried about your drinking.
Need to drink in order to relax or feel better.
Black out or forget what you did while you were drinking.
Regularly drink more than you intended to.

Signs and symptoms of alcohol abuse

Substance abuse experts make a distinction between alcohol abuse and alcoholism (also called
alcohol dependence). Unlike alcoholics, alcohol abusers have some ability to set limits on their
drinking. However, their alcohol use is still self-destructive and dangerous to themselves or
others.

Common signs and symptoms of alcohol abuse include:

Repeatedly neglecting your responsibilities at home, work, or school

because of your drinking. For example, performing poorly at work, flunking classes,
neglecting your kids, or skipping out on commitments because youre hung over.
Using alcohol in situations where its physically dangerous, such as drinking
and driving, operating machinery while intoxicated, or mixing alcohol with prescription
medication against doctors orders.
Experiencing repeated legal problems on account of your drinking. For
example, getting arrested for driving under the influence or for drunk and disorderly
conduct.
Continuing to drink even though your alcohol use is causing problems in
your relationships. Getting drunk with your buddies, for example, even though you
know your wife will be very upset, or fighting with your family because they dislike how
you act when you drink.
Drinking as a way to relax or de-stress. Many drinking problems start when
people use alcohol to self-soothe and relieve stress. Getting drunk after every stressful
day, for example, or reaching for a bottle every time you have an argument with your
spouse or boss.

The path from alcohol abuse to alcoholism

Not all alcohol abusers become full-blown alcoholics, but it is a big risk factor. Sometimes
alcoholism develops suddenly in response to a stressful change, such as a breakup,
retirement, or another loss. Other times, it gradually creeps up on you as your tolerance to
alcohol increases. If youre a binge drinker or you drink every day, the risks of developing
alcoholism are even greater.

Signs and symptoms of alcoholism (alcohol dependence)

Alcoholism is the most severe form of problem drinking. Alcoholism involves all the symptoms
of alcohol abuse, but it also involves another element: physical dependence on alcohol. If you
rely on alcohol to function or feel physically compelled to drink, youre an alcoholic.

Tolerance: The 1st major warning sign of alcoholism

Do you have to drink a lot more than you used to in order to get buzzed or to feel relaxed?
Can you drink more than other people without getting drunk? These are signs of tolerance,
which can be an early warning sign of alcoholism. Tolerance means that, over time, you need
more and more alcohol to feel the same effects.

Withdrawal: The 2nd major warning sign of alcoholism

Do you need a drink to steady the shakes in the morning? Drinking to relieve or avoid
withdrawal symptoms is a sign of alcoholism and a huge red flag. When you drink heavily,
your body gets used to the alcohol and experiences withdrawal symptoms if its taken away.
These include:

Anxiety or jumpiness
Shakiness or trembling
Sweating
Nausea and vomiting
Insomnia
Depression
Irritability
Fatigue
Loss of appetite
Headache

In severe cases, withdrawal from alcohol can also involve hallucinations, confusion, seizures,
fever, and agitation. These symptoms can be dangerous, so talk to your doctor if you are a
heavy drinker and want to quit.

Other signs and symptoms of alcoholism (alcohol dependence)

Youve lost control over your drinking. You often drink more alcohol than you
wanted to, for longer than you intended, or despite telling yourself you wouldnt.
You want to quit drinking, but you cant. You have a persistent desire to cut
down or stop your alcohol use, but your efforts to quit have been unsuccessful.
You have given up other activities because of alcohol. Youre spending less
time on activities that used to be important to you (hanging out with family and
friends, going to the gym, pursuing your hobbies) because of your alcohol use.

Alcohol takes up a great deal of your energy and focus. You spend a lot of
time drinking, thinking about it, or recovering from its effects. You have few if any
interests or social involvements that dont revolve around drinking.
You drink even though you know its causing problems. For example, you
recognize that your alcohol use is damaging your marriage, making your depression
worse, or causing health problems, but you continue to drink anyway.

Drinking problems and denial

Denial is one of the biggest obstacles to getting help for alcohol abuse and alcoholism. The
desire to drink is so strong that the mind finds many ways to rationalize drinking, even when
the consequences are obvious. By keeping you from looking honestly at your behavior and its
negative effects, denial also exacerbates alcohol-related problems with work, finances, and
relationships.

If you have a drinking problem, you may deny it by:

Drastically underestimating how much you drink

Downplaying the negative consequences of your drinking

Complaining that family and friends are exaggerating the problem

Blaming your drinking or drinking-related problems on others

For example, you may blame an unfair boss for trouble at work or a nagging wife for your
marital issues, rather than look at how your drinking is contributing to the problem. While
work, relationship, and financial stresses happen to everyone, an overall pattern of
deterioration and blaming others may be a sign of trouble.
If you find yourself rationalizing your drinking habits, lying about them, or refusing to discuss
the subject, take a moment to consider why youre so defensive. If you truly believe you dont
have a problem, why do you feel the need to cover up your drinking or make excuses? Is it
possible that your drinking means more to you than youre ready to admit?

Five myths about alcoholism

Myth #1: I can stop drinking anytime I want to.
Maybe you can; more likely, you cant. Either way, its just an excuse to keep drinking. The
truth is, you dont want to stop. Telling yourself you can quit makes you feel in control, despite
all evidence to the contrary and no matter the damage its doing.
Myth #2: My drinking is my problem. Im the one it hurts, so no one has the right to
tell me to stop.
Its true that the decision to quit drinking is up to you. But you are deceiving yourself if you
think that your drinking hurts no one else but you. Alcoholism affects everyone around you
especially the people closest to you. Your problem is their problem.
Myth #3: I dont drink every day, so I cant be an alcoholic OR I only drink wine or
beer, so I cant be an alcoholic.
Alcoholism is NOT defined by what you drink, when you drink it, or even how much you drink.
Its the EFFECTS of your drinking that define a problem. If your drinking is causing problems in
your home or work life, you have a drinking problem and may be an alcoholicwhether you

drink daily or only on the weekends, down shots of tequila or stick to wine, drink three bottles
of beers a day or three bottles of whiskey.
Myth #4: Im not an alcoholic because I have a job and Im doing okay.
You dont have to be homeless and drinking out of a brown paper bag to be an alcoholic. Many
alcoholics are able to hold down jobs, get through school, and provide for their families. Some
are even able to excel. But just because youre a high-functioning alcoholic doesnt mean
youre not putting yourself or others in danger. Over time, the effects will catch up with you.
Myth #5: Drinking is not a real addiction like drug abuse.
Alcohol is a drug, and alcoholism is every bit as damaging as drug addiction. Alcohol addiction
causes changes in the body and brain, and long-term alcohol abuse can have devastating
effects on your health, your career, and your relationships. Alcoholics go through physical
withdrawal when they stop drinking, just like drug users do when they quit.

Effects of alcoholism and alcohol abuse

Alcoholism and alcohol abuse can affect all aspects of your life. Long-term alcohol use can
cause serious health complications, affecting virtually every organ in your body, including your
brain. Problem drinking can also damage your emotional stability, finances, career, and your
ability to build and sustain satisfying relationships. Alcoholism and alcohol abuse can also have
an impact on your family, friends andthe people you work with.

The effects of alcoholism and alcohol abuse on the people you love

Despite the potentially lethal damage that heavy drinking does

to the bodyincluding cancer, heart problems, and liver diseasethe social consequences can
be just as devastating. Alcoholics and alcohol abusers are much more likely to get divorced,
have problems with domestic violence, struggle with unemployment, and live in poverty.
But even if youre able to succeed at work or hold your marriage together, you cant escape
the effects that alcoholism and alcohol abuse has on your personal relationships. Drinking
problems put an enormous strain on the people closest to you.
Often, family members and close friends feel obligated to cover for the person with the
drinking problem. So they take on the burden of cleaning up your messes, lying for you, or
working more to make ends meet. Pretending that nothing is wrong and hiding away all of

their fears and resentments can take an enormous toll. Children are especially sensitive and
can suffer long-lasting emotional trauma when a parent or caretaker is an alcoholic or heavy
drinker.

Getting help for alcoholism or alcohol abuse

If youre ready to admit you have a drinking problem, youve already taken the first step. It
takes tremendous strength and courage to face alcohol abuse and alcoholism head on.
Reaching out for support is the second step.
Whether you choose to go to rehab, rely on self-help programs, get therapy, or take a selfdirected treatment approach, support is essential. Recovering from alcohol addiction is much
easier when you have people you can lean on for encouragement, comfort, and guidance.
Without support, its easy to fall back into old patterns when things get tough.

Getting sober is only the beginning

Your continued recovery depends on continuing mental health treatment, learning healthier
coping strategies, and making better decisions when dealing with lifes challenges. In order to
stay alcohol-free for the long term, youll also have to face the underlying problems that led to
your alcoholism or alcohol abuse in the first place. Those problems could be depression, an
inability to manage stress, an unresolved trauma from your childhood, or any number of
mental health issues. Such problems may become more prominent when youre no longer
using alcohol to cover them up. But you will be in a healthier position to finally address them
and seek the help you need.

Starting down the road to recovery

Alcoholism is a complex disorder that can affect every aspect of your life. Overcoming it
requires making changes to the way you live, deal with problems, and relate to others.
Reducing or stopping drinking takes commitment and support. The good news is that there are
many tools that can help you on your journey to sobriety.
Read: Alcohol Help and Treatment: How to Stop Drinking and Start Recovery

When a loved one has a drinking problem

If someone you love has a drinking problem, you may be struggling with a number of painful
emotions, including shame, fear, anger, and self-blame. The problem may be so overwhelming
that it seems easier to ignore it and pretend that nothing is wrong. But in the long run denying
it will be more damaging to you, other family members, and the person with the drinking
problem.

What Not To Do

Don't attempt to punish, threaten, bribe, or preach.

Don't try to be a martyr. Avoid emotional appeals that may only increase feelings of
guilt and the compulsion to drink or use other drugs.
Don't cover up or make excuses for the alcoholic or problem drinker or shield them
from the realistic consequences of their behavior.
Don't take over their responsibilities, leaving them with no sense of importance or
dignity.
Don't hide or dump bottles, throw out drugs, or shelter them from situations where
alcohol is present.
Don't argue with the person when they are impaired.
Don't try to drink along with the problem drinker.
Above all, don't feel guilty or responsible for another's behavior.

Adapted from: National Clearinghouse for Alcohol & Drug Information

Dealing with a loved ones alcohol problem can be an emotional rollercoaster. Its vital that you
take care of yourself and get the support you need. Its also important to have people you can
talk honestly and openly with about what youre going through.
A good place to start is by joining a group such as Al-Anon, a free peer support group for
families coping with alcoholism. Listening to others with the same challenges can be a
tremendous source of comfort and support. You can also turn to trusted friends, a therapist, or
people in your faith community.

You cannot force someone you love to stop abusing alcohol. As much as you
may want to, and as hard as it is to watch, you cannot make someone stop drinking.
The choice is up to them.
Dont expect the person to stop drinking and stay sober without help. Your
loved one will need treatment, support, and new coping skills to overcome a serious
drinking problem.
Recovery is an ongoing process. Recovery is a bumpy road, requiring time and
patience. An alcoholic will not magically become a different person once sober. And the
problems that led to the alcohol abuse in the first place will have to be faced.

Admitting that theres a serious problem can be painful for the whole family, not just the
alcohol abuser. But dont be ashamed. Youre not alone. Alcoholism and alcohol abuse affects
millions of families, from every social class, race, and culture. But there is help and support
available for both you and your loved one.

When your teen has a drinking problem

Discovering your child is drinking can generate fear, confusion, and anger in parents. Its
important to remain calm when confronting your teen, and only do so when everyone is sober.
Explain your concerns and make it clear that your concern comes from a place of love. Its
important that your teen feels you are supportive.
Five steps parents can take:

1.

2.

Lay down rules and consequences: Your teen should understand that drinking
alcohol comes with specific consequences. But dont make hollow threats or set rules
that you cannot enforce. Make sure your spouse agrees with the rules and is prepared
to enforce them.
Monitor your teens activity: Know where your teen goes and who he or she
hangs out with. Remove or lock away alcohol from your home and routinely check
potential hiding places for alcoholin backpacks, under the bed, between clothes in a

3.
4.
5.

drawer, for example. Explain to your teen that this lack of privacy is a consequence of
him or her having been caught using alcohol.
Encourage other interests and social activities. Expose your teen to healthy
hobbies and activities, such as team sports, Scouts, and afterschool clubs.
Talk to your child about underlying issues. Drinking can be the result of other
problems. Is your child having trouble fitting in? Has there been a recent major
change, like a move or divorce, which is causing stress?
Get Help: You dont have to go it alone. Teenagers often rebel against their parents
but if they hear the same information from a different authority figure, they may be
more inclined to listen. Try seeking help from a sports coach, family doctor, therapist,
or counselor.

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