Preview Script

Snow White
And The
Seven Dwarfs
by
Philip Meeks

Snow White And The Seven Dwarfs

by Philip Meeks
Philip Meeks 2012. All Rights Reserved
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This play is a work of fiction. The characters are entirely the product of the authors imagination and any
resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, is entirely coincidental.
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Publication History:
May 2014 :

First Edition
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PW-0303

Rev A

First Produced
The premiere of this pantomime was given by the Peoples Theatre, Newcastle upon Tyne between
8th and 16th December 2012.

Characters (4m, 2f, 3m/f)

Queen Lilith - The Mistress of Mean (f)
Snow White - Liliths step daughter (f)
Chuckles - The Jester (m)
Nurse Kitty - his medical mum (m)
Prince Rufus - a well heeled suitor (m)
Sidney Snarl - a horrible henchman (m)
The Spirit Of The Mirror - a magical force (a m/f voice)
The Seven Dwarfs (m/f)
Bizzy - the one in charge
Huffity - the moody one
Giddy - the daft one
Stomp - the noisy one
Hiccup - the hiccupping one
Tickles - the giggly one
Tiddler - the tiniest of them all

Cameo roles from the Chorus

A chorus of palace folk, forest sprites, Irish dancing spirits, woodland animals, babes, ghouls, gagas
girls, and ghosties.

Setting
The land of Goodwill.

Scenes
Prologue

The Magic Mirror

Act One
Scene One
Scene Two
Scene Three
Scene Four
Scene Five
Scene Six
Scene Seven

The town of Goodwill

Beyond the Town Walls
The Queens Chambers
Beyond the Town Walls
The Palace Garden
Beyond the Town Walls
The Enchanted Forest.

Act Two
Scene One
Scene Two
Scene Three
Scene Four
Scene Five
Scene Six

The Dwarfs Cottage

The Queens Dastardly Dungeon
Beyond the Town Walls
The Dwarfs Cottage
Chuckles Glee Club
The Royal Wedding

Musical Numbers
# 1 : Overture
# 2 : Quietly Menacing Music
# 3 : The Nicest Kids In Town (from Hairspray)
# 4 : Entrance Music for Chuckles (Comical)
# 5 : Whatll I Do (TV Birds Of A Feather; Irving Berlin)
# 6 : Entrance Music for Kitty (Big bold and brassy)
# 7 : Fabulous Baby (Sister Act)
# 8 : Naughty (from Matilda)
# 9 : Fanfares
#10 : Evil Chords
#11 : Fanfare
#12 : Reprise, The Nicest Kids In Town (from Hairspray)
#13 : Heigh Ho
#14 : Im A Believer (The Monkees)
#15 : Menacing Music
#16 : Fanfare
#17 : Get The Party Started (P!nk)
#18 : Entrance Music for Snow White (Dreamy excitement)
#19 : Entrance Music for Chuckles (Comical)
#20 : A Big-hearted Love Song
#21 : Evil Chords
#22 : Short Reprise, Get The Party Started (P!nk)
#23 : Attacking Music Underscore
#24 : Entrance Music for Snow White (Wary and Quiet)
#25 : Irish Dancing Music
#26 : Part, If I Ruled The World (from Pickwick)

Instrumental
Instrumental
Snow White & Chorus
Instrumental
Chuckles & Audience
Instrumental
Kitty & Girls
Kitty, Chuckles, Snow White & Babes
Instrumental
Instrumental
Instrumental
Snow White & Chorus
Dwarfs
Snow White & Prince Rufus.
Instrumental
Instrumental
Queen Lilith
Instrumental
Instrumental
Chuckles & Chorus
Instrumental
Queen Lilith
Instrumental
Instrumental
Instrumental
Snow White & Chorus

#27 : Entracte
#28 : Whistle While You Work
#29 : Brief Reprises, Whistle While We Work
segued with Heigh Ho
#30 : Evil Music
#31 : Blowsy Vamp Music
#32 : Bad Romance (Lady Gaga)
#33 : Part, If I Ruled The World (from Pickwick)
#34 : Evil Ghoulish Music
#35 : Evil Chords
#36 : Snuff Out The Light (Yzmas Song by Eartha Kitt)
#37 : Scary Chords
#38: Ghostbusters (from the film, sung by Ray Parker, Jr)
#39 : Evil Magic Spell Music
#40 : Triumphant Chords
#41 : Fight Music
#42 : A Heroic Fanfare
#43 : A Bouncy GleeStyle Song
#44: The Song Sheet Song
#45 : Finale Song
#46 : Playout

Instrumental
Snow White & Dwarfs

ii

Dwarfs
Instrumental
Instrumental
Kitty, Sidney & Gaga Girls.
Prince Rufus
Instrumental
Instrumental
Lilith & Ghouls
Instrumental
Kitty, Chuckles & Rufus
Instrumental
Instrumental
Instrumental
Instrumental
Rufus, Snow White & Chorus
Kitty & Chuckles
Company
Instrumental

ACT ONE
Prologue - The Magic Mirror
MUSIC #1 : OVERTURE
A generic palace corridor cloth depicts the Queens Chamber. The trucked mirror is then swept on to this set from
a downstage entrance. The Overture ends. Dangerous chords are heard as the diabolical Queen Lilith enters.

Lilith

Welcome one and all to: Wicked Queen and the Seven Dwarfs. Thats right. This
glorious little show is all about me, me, me, so youd better get used to it. If anyone even
whispers the name Snow White theyll be sorry. This story is mine. Yes it is! (Business:
Oh no it isnt). Silence. My name is Queen Lilith Malevola Nastasia the first, the last.
The only! Or Lil to my mates. If I had any. Stupid Snow White is my step daughter but I
treat her like a servant. Its my way of getting back at her father, King Wilberforce.
When he accidentally tumbled out of that window he was supposed to leave me rich. But
his pitiful kingdom of Goodwill is stony broke. Looking this good costs! And although
Goodwill has the biggest diamond mine in the world I cant get my clutches on a single
treasure. The place is protected by pesky dwarves. How I despise dwarves. Thankfully
Im not only a beautiful queen. Im an evil enchantress. Ive put a spell on the dwarfs
which will mean the diamonds will, one day, belong to me. Until that time I have chosen
my next victim I mean husband. Prince Rufus of [local posh area]. Hes young,
handsome and filthy rich. Of course when he takes one look at me it will be love at first
sight! (Business: audience reaction). You dont believe me? We will ask my slave. Behold
my Mysterious Magical Mirror. (The mirror comes to life. The rest of the scene is
underscored).

MUSIC #2 : QUIETLY MENACING MUSIC

Lilith

Oh, Mirror, Mirror on the wall. Mirror, Mirror on the wall

SFX: a terrifying wail.

Mirror
Lilith
Mirror
Lilith
Mirror
Lilith
Mirror
Lilith
Mirror

You spoke, oh diabolical mistress of all things dark and dastardly?

Hes/Shes such a sweetie. And now Ill prove that when young Prince Rufus arrives he
wont be able to resist me Mirror, Mirror on the wall / Who is the fairest of them all?
Why you, oh Majesty of Mean / The most glittering, glamorous Wicked Queen
You see!
were the fairest until today / When another, more beautiful, got in your way.
(Furiously). What was that?
Let it all out, dont bottle your rage / Snow White pipped you at the post when she came
of age.
Of course! Todays the wretched girls eighteenth birthday.
With her skin as pure as dew and her lips of ruby red / the only time youll beat her
charms, is when the girl is dead.

SFX: Apply an echo to dead. Queen Lilith charges down stage into a tight green spot on her. The mirror is
struck.

Lilith

Snow Whites demise must be devised. Well, whats a girl to do? If Prince Rufus falls
for her, my dark dreams wont come true. (She performs a spell in her anger. FX: A flash of
some description). Therell be a special celebration today for Snow Whites eighteenth
birthday. But she wont live to see it. Ill destroy her and her beauty. Then once again I
will be the fairest of them all. (She laughs an evil laugh, and exits).

Scene One
The town of Goodwill.

MUSIC #3 : THE NICEST KIDS IN TOWN [SNOW WHITE & CHORUS]

Snow White leads the number. Provide an underscored break for the following.

Snow White

Hello everybody! Im Snow White! I live here in Goodwill with my dear step-mother
and all my friends. Im eighteen today and dyou know what? I think its going to be the
best birthday Ive ever had.

The number builds to a climax. After the applause, dastardly chords are heard and Sidney Snarl enters wielding a
whip.

Sidney

People of Goodwill! Less of the merriment. What do you think this is? Geordie Shore?
[or TOWIE, Made In Chelsea etc]. Well any more nonsense and Ill see to it that youre all
washed up, for I am Goodwills nastiest henchman. Sidney Snarl. (He cracks his whip, fails,
and hurts himself).

Snow White
Sidney
All
Sidney
All
Sidney
All
Sidney
Snow White
Sidney
Snow White

Oh Sidney, stop being a grumpy old spoilsport.

Thats Mr Snarl to you. Im here to tell you bad news. And the worse news.
Boo!
Taxes are going up.
Ohh!
With the plague of dwarfs terrorising the land her Royal Rotteness, Queen Lilith has no
other choice.
Booooh!
And today, our Majesty of Mayhem wants everyone to do their chores in record time,
including you Snow White.
We always work as hard as we can.
Well, work harder. My mistress demands it. The Monarch of Misery, Ruler of
Discontent, Diva of Devilment, great Queen of Chaos
Why does everyone always talk about my step-mother in such a nasty way? Shes as
sweet as can be! (The chorus react: why cant Snow White see what a rotter Lilith really is).
Its hard being a queen. Especially when the countrysides over run with terrible dwarfs.

SFX or Voices Off: a lone Heigh Ho, followed by dwarf-like giggles. The Chorus and Sidney react by huddling
together.

Sidney
Snow White
Sidney

Fear not. Her Highness says they cant touch us if we stay within the walls of her
queendom.
And even if they did, Mr Snarl would protect us. Wouldnt you?
(Weakly). Yes!

Snow White nudges one of the Chorus. They all know shes winding Sidney up.

Snow White

Sidney

Even if theyre as ugly and mean as my step-mother says. With two heads each, long
crooked claws, and really sharp teeth that can eat you up in a gulp! (She puts her hand on
his shoulder).
(Leaping away, scared). I want my mummy!

Everyone laughs. Sidney snarls.

Snow White
Sidney
Snow White
Sidney

Were only teasing.

The Queen is expecting a very special Royal Visitor.
Really? Who?
I ask no questions. All I know is she wants the town square sparkling and the whole of
Goodwill must gather at noon. Sidney Snarl has spoken. Now back to work and quick
about it! (He cracks his whip again, fails and exits).
2

Snow White

I bet theres no Royal visitor. I bet my step-mothers planning a surprise party for me!
She may have been too busy to remember all my other birthdays, but I said this year was
going to be special. My chum Chuckles will know whats going on. Lets go and find
him.

Snow White and the Chorus exit, calling: Chuckles.

MUSIC #4 : ENTRANCE MUSIC FOR CHUCKLES

Enter Chuckles, on a scooter.

Chuckles

Its me boys and girls. Chuckles the jester. Ive just been to the shops. I went on my
scooter all the way to the [big local shopping centre]. I went to buy some invisible ink. The
man in the shop asked me: Which colour? What a daftie, boys and girls! Then I went
to the bakers to ask about a job. He said: What do you want to work in a bakery for?. I
said: Because Id like to loaf around all day. Then I stopped to read the papers and
theres some dead, dead exciting news in them, boys and girls. There is. In Egypt, boys
and girls, they have dug up a brand new mummy. And when they took all its bandages
off they discovered it was covered in chocolate and nuts. They think its Pharoah Rochet.
They were jokes! Suit yourselves. You see, Im the jester at the Palace and I have to
entertain the Queen. Its really hard making that old witch smile. Ive seen more mirth in
council meetings at [name of local town] Town Hall. So sometimes when Ive run out of
my jokes I sing her a little song. This is one of my favourites and Id like you all to join
in with me. After I sing a line I want you all to sing: Ting! back to me. Will ya? Here
we go.

MUSIC #5 : WHATLL I DO [CHUCKLES & AUDIENCE]

Chuckles queues the audience in with each Ting.

Chuckles

Kitty
Chuckles

Whatll I do? [Ting] / When you [Ting] / Are far [Ting] (He mocks shock). Boys
and girls, how rude of you. How ruuuuuuude. Oh, I almost forgot. Im loaded boys and
girls. You see, ever since I was bought a CD of Justin Beibers greatest hits for my
birthday, my mum gives me double pocket money not to play it! So I spend it all on
sweets and this week theres far too many for me to eat. Would you lot like to share
them? (Business: Throwing the sweets). Now those who got one, be generous. Have a little
suck and pass the sweeties along! We are all going to get along tonight arent we?! Tell
you what. Every time I come on stage, Im gonna say: Whos Chuckles Chums? And
I want you to answer back: We are, you daftie! Shall we have a practice? (Business:
practice the routine). Now, come a bit closer. Now youre all my chums, I want to tell you
all a couple of secrets. I was being a bit of a tinker going to the [local big shopping centre]
because that mean Lilith doesnt let us leave Goodwill. She says if we do the Dwarfs will
eat us. But I dont think thats true, boys and girls. One day I want to meet a dwarf and
Ill prove that the silly Queen is fibbing. My next secret makes me blush a bit. Have you
lot met Snow White yet? You have? Shes beautiful isnt she? Shes my bestest friend in
the whole wide world. Well, come closer. Closer than that. Not that far. Let me tell you a
thing about me and Snow White. Let me tell you a thing youd never guess in a million
and one years
(Offstage, loudly). Yoo hoo!
Knickers! Thats my mum, Nurse Kitty. Shes been feeling fruity ever since Andy
Murray made it to the final [or similar national sporting victory] . Whenever she sees me
she gives me a great big sloppy kiss, so Im outta here. See you later, boys and girls. One
more time: Whos chuckles chums?

Audience response as he exits.

MUSIC #6 : ENTRANCE MUSIC FOR KITTY

Kitty

Yoo hoo! Yoo hoo! Well look at you all. What a lovely welcome. What a lovely bunch.
How splendid. Now I was sure I heard my boy, Chuckles. I wanted to give him a great
big sloppy kiss. Who wants one instead? Dont all rush! (She picks on someone in the
audience). How about you? Whats your name? (Hopefully, hell tell her. For the purpose of
this script, hes called Dickie). Dickie. This is Dickie, everybody. My goodness thats my
favourite name. Its my husbands name, girls. Well, hes not actually my husband. In
fact weve only just met. Hello Dickie. Ive just dumped my boyfriend, Dickie. Every
time we canoodled he used to shout out: Junction 29. It was a very big turn off But we
parted amicably. I thanked him for his services See you later, Dickie.
Now hark at me not introducing myself properly. I am Nurse Kitty, and were all going
to be friends today. But just to make sure Id like everyone to turn to the person on your
right and say: How do you do. (The audience does so). Marvellous! And now everybody
turn to the person on your left and answer back: Mind your own business!. It costs
nothing to be polite does it? You know you lot have really cheered me up. Ive not been
well, you know. The Doctor suggested I tried that substitute margarine. You know the
stuff. Ive eaten six tubs in three days so I Cant Believe Im Not Better
I work at the Palace of Goodwill for Queen Lilith. Have you met her yet? Bad breeding.
No class. She makes Pepper Pig look like Pippa Middleton. Im her private nurse and
Lady in Waiting. And I can tell you one thing for nothing. Ive been waiting a very long
time.
I was married once of course. Now Im a widow. (Business: Aaah). Its sadder than that
(Business: Ahhh). My husband died after falling down a wishing well. Who knew they
worked. But I do enjoy living here at Goodwill Castle because Im with my cheeky son
Chuckles, the royal jester, and the lovely Snow White. And of course I know my waiting
days wont be forever. I mean, look at me. Not bad for an old bird. In fact, Im fabulous.
MUSIC #7 : FABULOUS BABY [KITTY & GIRLS]

Kitty

See you later boys and girls. Toodle-oo, Dickie.

Kitty and the Girls exit. Enter Chuckles.

Chuckles

Snow White
Chuckles
Snow White
Chuckles
Snow White
Chuckles
Snow White
Chuckles
Snow White
Chuckles

Snow White

Whos Chuckles chums? (Business).Now where were we before we were rudely

interrupted? (Snow White enters upstage). Snow White! (She walks slowly down to chuckles
during the following). You see, boys and girls, I think I love her a little bit. Who am I
trying to kid??? I love her loads. I want her to be my girlfriend. But Im too shy to tell
her. She makes my heart go boom-diddy, boom-diddy boom. And shes behind me
isnt she? Hello, Snow White.
What are you too shy to tell me?
Nothing... I was just practising for your birthday surprise.
You remembered.
Of course.
And whats the surprise? I love surprises!
I havent decided yet. I thought I might tell you my favourite joke? What cheese do you
use to coax a bear out of the woods?
I dont know?
(Presenting his empty hand). Camambert! Doh! Thats that surprise ruined. Ive another
one, Ive another one. Whats green and invisible?
Havent a clue
This cabbage. (He opens his empty hand). Ive done it again! Ill do you a magic trick
instead! (He goes to the wings and is handed a paper bag). Im going to blow this bag up,
pop it, and make a pigeon appear.
Really?
4

Chuckles
Snow White
Chuckles
Snow White
Chuckles
Snow White
Chuckles
Kitty
Chuckles
Kitty
Snow White
Kitty
Chuckles
Kitty
Chuckles
Kitty
Chuckles
Snow White
Chuckles
Kitty
Chuckles
Snow White
Kitty
Snow White
Kitty
Snow White
Chuckles
Snow White
Chuckles
Snow White
Kitty
Chuckles

Watch! (He blows, and pops. The bag bursts and theres feathers everywhere). Oh no! I
always clap too hard.
You do make me laugh, Chuckles.
Do I?
Youre hilarious.
Try telling this lot that! Ive got something to say to you, Snow White.
Yes?
(Getting all giddy). Come on knees dont go wibbly-wobbly on me now! I Loooo
I Leeeer (He cant say love).
(Entering). Yoo hoo!
Oh bum!
My two babies together.
Hello, Nurse Kitty
(To Dickie). Missed me, Dickie? (To Chuckles). Come here cheeky chops. Time for a
sloppy kiss.
Gerroff.
Doesnt your yummy mummy even get a hug?
Yuk, yuk and double yuk.
Watch it buster. Ive got a face that could launch a thousand ships.
More like a face that could fit a thousand chips.
Dont be cheeky, Chuckles.
Its what I do best.
We may have our little jokes with each other, boys and girls, but we love each other
really.
We certainly do.
Were a very happy family. Me, you two, and dear Lilith.
Dont mention her name to me
Youre always mean about my stepmum.
Youve heard of the Glasgow Kiss? Id like to give her a Heaton Hug [replace with a
suitable local equivalent].
Shes hardworking, glamorous
Shes like a Hollywood star SHREK!
Its not easy being a Queen.
It is for her. She never lifts a finger. You do all the chores and youre meant to be a
Princess.
I dont mind.
Youre a very good girl, but I think its high time you rebelled.
Its great fun being naughty!

Enter the Babes.

MUSIC : #8 NAUGHTY [KITTY, CHUCKLES, SNOW WHITE & BABES]

At the end of the number all exit, except Snow White, who makes to exit, but is stopped by a fanfare.

MUSIC #9A : FANFARE

Prince Rufus enters.

Rufus
Snow White
Rufus
Snow White
Rufus

Excuse me? Servant girl?

Are you speaking to me?
Yes! You need to call after all those people. Let them know Ive arrived. Im used to my
own citizens thronging the streets to welcome me.
And who do you think you are?
I am Crown Prince Rufus of the incredibly wealthy kingdom of [local posh area].
5

MUSIC #9B : FANFARE

Snow White
Rufus
Snow White
Rufus
Snow White
Rufus
Snow White
Rufus
Snow White
Rufus
Snow White
Rufus
Snow White
Rufus
Snow White

So what?
Youre not impressed?
Of a pompous stuffed shirt like you?
Nobodys ever spoken to me like that before. But Ill forgive you. Because youve got a
wonderful smile.
I cant imagine therell be anything of interest for you in Goodwill.
Errr. I have an appointment. With Great Queen Lilith, but Im early. And Im lost.
I can direct you to her chambers.
You can?
I may only be a servant girl but Im not stupid!
I didnt mean
Go out of the town square and walk about a mile North.
Thank you. And Ill see you again?
Not if I see you first.
Funny as well as beautiful.
You cant keep the Queen waiting. On your way. (Exit Rufus, obviously besotted by Snow
White). Thatll teach him for being full of himself. Ive sent him on a wild goose chase.

MUSIC #10 : EVIL CHORDS

Snow White

My step mothers coming. I better get on with my chores. If she is going to throw me a
party I dont want her to change her mind.

Exit Snow White, as Lilith enters.

Lilith

Mirror
Lilith
Sidney
Lilith
Sidney
Lilith
Sidney
Lilith
Sidney
Lilith
Sidney

Have you been bored without me, snivellings? Oh, shut your faces or Ill transport you
all to [nearest seaside resort] without your underwear! Now, to once again consult my
mercurial mirror. (She produces a hand mirror with the Apple logo on the back). My mobile!
(Beat). Mirror, Mirror in my hand / Whos the fairest in the land.
That honour still belongs to your step daughter / Youd better be quick if youre planning
to thwart her.
Just checking! Now to start putting my plans in action. (Calling). Sidney! You quivering
heap of oozing nastiness.
(Entering). Youre too kind
WHAT - WAS - THAT?
Oops! I mean ghastly. Completely ghastly.
Better. Now, any sign of Prince Rufus?
No, your unpleasantness.
Whatever happens, he must not set eyes on Snow White.
He must not set eyes on Snow White.
Thats correct, dimwit. Now dont just stand there grovelling. Summon the rancid
hoards.
People of Goodwill. Queen Lilith has graced us with her presence.

MUSIC #11 : FANFARE

Enter Snow White, Kitty and the Chorus. Lilith is centre stage.

Snow White
Kitty
Sidney
Chuckles

This is it, Kitty. Shes going to announce my birthday party.

Dont build your hopes up dear.
Prepare for a proclamation from our mighty ruler.
(Entering). Whos Chuckles chums? (Business). Ive just had a little snooze and when I
woke up I thought I was Donald Duck. Then I thought I was Goofy. Then I thought I was
Mickey Mouse. I was having one of my Disney spells.
6

Sidney

(Approaching Chuckles). Youre one step away from an idiot. (Chuckles takes one step
away).

Lilith
Chuckles
Kitty
Lilith
Kitty
Lilith

Silence. We are prepared to speak.

She always uses the royal we, doesnt she, mum?
Yes. And she never flushes it.
As you know, due to the curse of the seven dwarfs, times are hard.
Tell me about it. Third entrance. Same frock.
But weve decided we need some festivity to brighten our days. Step forward, Snow
White, (she struggles to spit the kind words out), my dear delightful step daughter.
Gracious Queen. (She steps forward and curtsies).
Oh, go on. Use the M-word. You know you want to.
Mummy?
(Wincing). Thats the one. Because today is your special birthday I am declaring it a
national holiday. I am holding a party this afternoon and youre all invited.
Hurrah!
Well I never. Theresa Mays come up trumps. Ill have to prepare a party tea. Well have
sandwiches and crisps and lots of those pink wrinkly things on sticks.
Sausages?
No. Pensioners. (She exits).
Thank you so much, mum. Im so grateful.

Snow White
Lilith
Snow White
Lilith
Chorus
Kitty
Chuckles
Kitty
Snow White

They make an awkward attempt at a kiss.

Lilith
Sidney

Lets not get too carried away dear. Sidney, assist me. I need a long lie down in a very
dark room.
Her Majesty has spoken.

Lilith and Sidney exit.

Snow White

I was right. My step mother didnt forget my birthday. This is the happiest day of my
life.

MUSIC # 12 : REPRISE, THE NICEST KIDS IN TOWN [SNOW WHITE & CHORUS]
The song is interrupted by loud Heigh Hos. Snow White and the chorus exit in panic shouting Dwarfs,
dwarfs etc. Chuckles walks into

Scene Two
Beyond the Town Walls. The beginning of the scene is underscored with Heigh Ho until the Dwarfs appear and
begin to sing.

MUSIC # 13A : HEIGH HO [UNDERSCORE]

Chuckles

Whos Chuckles chums? (Business). Good. Im going to need all the chums I can get.
This is my chance to meet the dwarfs, boys and girls. (The Heigh Hos get louder).
Although to be honest, now that theyre really close, I am a little bit scared.

Bizzy, the head dwarf, appears in the auditorium.

Bizzy

Forward march, men. Time for tea!

The other dwarfs march through the audience and join him on stage.

MUSIC # 13B : HEIGH HO [DWARFS]

The Dwarfs sing as they march through the auditorium and onto the stage. Chuckles hides and watches.

Chuckles

Look, boys and girls! This lot arent scary at all !

The Dwarfs see him, and huddle together, scared.

Bizzy

A big bad human.

7

Other Dwarfs
Chuckles
Huffity
Chuckles
Huffity
Bizzy
All Dwarfs
Chuckles
Bizzy
Huffity
Giddy
Stomp
Hiccups
Bizzy
Tickle

Humanhumanhuman.
Im a little boy. Im Chuckles!
Hes been sent by the Wicked Queen.
No I havent. Im here on my own because Im brave. I want to be your friend; thats all.
Humans arent friends of the seven dwarfs.
Huffity! Well have an emergency meeting. (The dwarfs go into a scrum). Weve decided.
We can trust you.
Wooo Hooo! I love the dwarfs, boys and girls; dont you?
Lets introduce ourselves, men! My name is Bizzy. Im the boss.
Im Huffity. The sensible one. (The other Dwarfs moan). Someones got to be!
Im Giddy. Im a little bit silly.
Im Stomp. I like making a noise.
Im (Hiccup). Im (Hiccup). Im (Hiccup).
Hes Hiccups, and hes always lost for words.
Im Tickle. I like to make people laugh.

The tiniest one of all steps forward.

Bizzy
Chuckles
Tiddler
Chuckles
Bizzy
Huffity

And this is Tiddler.

Tiddler! Hes a tiny little nipper!
(SFX: he speaks in a deep recorded male voice). How dare you!

Sorry. But you all look like children.

Because of wicked Queen Lilith. Shes cursed us. Were getting younger every day.
Soon well be tiny, tiny, babies!

The dwarfs shake their heads sorrowfully.

Chuckles
Tiddler
Bizzy
Huffity
Chuckles
Bizzy
Huffity
Chuckles
Bizzy

Chuckles
Bizzy

Why would lousy Lilith want to be so cruel to you?

(SFX: recorded voice). Because when we become babies she can steal all our diamonds.
Then shell be rich.
And her evil will know no bounds.
What can I do to stop the witchs curse?
If we are kind, her powers grow weaker, and ours grow stronger.
Thats why she tells everyone were monsters. So theres no one for us to help.
You poor things. Ill help you. Can I, Can I, Can I?
Take this. (He produces a whistle from round his neck). Its a magic whistle. If you need us,
call us. (Chuckles blows the whistle. SFX: a comical sound is heard). We will come to your
rescue whenever you or your friends are in trouble.
Is there anything else I need to do?
You will know what to do when the time is right. Farewell, Chuckles.

MUSIC # 13C : REPRISE, HEIGH HO [DWARFS]

The dwarfs march off.

Chuckles
Snow White
Chuckles
Snow White
Chuckles
Snow White
Chuckles
Snow White
Chuckles

Arent they amazing, boys and girls? When I grow up I want to be a dwarf.
(Entering). What are you doing this far out of town Chuckles?
(Speaking quickly). Ive met the dwarfs. And theyre kind. And your stepmums a witch
Silly Chuckles.
No ones gonna believe me, boys and girls.
Have you thought of my birthday surprise yet?
Im working on another trick. I bet you 50p that I can kiss you without touching you.
How can you do that?
Close your eyes and youll find out.

She does so, and he kisses her on the cheek.

Snow White
Chuckles

But you did touch me, Chuckles.

I know and heres your 50p it was worth it. See ya later, everyone. (He exits).

Snow White laughs as Rufus enters.

Rufus
Snow White
Rufus
Snow White
Rufus
Snow White
Rufus
Snow White
Rufus
Snow White
Rufus

You again!
I thought Id better catch you up. I sent you the wrong way. Then I felt guilty about it.
I deserved to be taught a lesson. But Im not really full of myself. Promise.
I believe you.
I dont even know your name.
Snow White.
Princess Snow White?
Yes. Though I dont get called that very often.
But Queen Lilith writes in her Royal edicts that you live in another kingdom far, far
away.
The poor dear. She gets confused. A lot on her mind.
I nearly didnt come to Goodwill at all. I figured thered be nothing here worth making
the journey for. Ive never been as wrong about anything in my life.

MUSIC #14 : IM A BELIEVER [SNOW WHITE & PRINCE RUFUS]

Scene Three
The Queens Chambers. The full size mirror sweeps on as Lilith enters.

Lilith
Mirror

Mirror, Mirror, say a prayer for the cursed / When discussing pure evil who is the worst?
When it comes to nasty deeds youre no fool / You get a double gold star for being so
cruel.

The Mirror cackles. Lilith joins in.

Lilith

There! Im still top of the class at something! What would I do without you, Mirror? You
may have the odd chip and your gold frames tarnished You could say youve got a
guilt complex! But youre precious to me Now, wheres my useless henchman.
Sidneeeeey.

The mirror goes dark as Sidney enters.

Sidney
Lilith

You screeched, oh vile one.

The time has come, faithful henchman, to give you your deadly instructions.

MUSIC #15A : MENACING MUSIC, ANTICIPATION

The music underscores.

Lilith

Sidney
Lilith

As my Queendom celebrates, no one will miss the guest of honour. Snow White will be
preparing to meet her fate. You will take her far from Goodwill to a secluded glade deep
in the enchanted woods.
But what about the d-d-d-dwarfs?
If you dont do as I ask they will be the least of your problems. Let Snow White take in
the scenery. Let her feel a breeze on her fair skin. Let her enjoy a few simple pleasures,
for they will be her last. Show no mercy as you kill her with your sharpest hunting knife.

MUSIC #15B : MENACING MUSIC, EVIL CHORDS

Lilith reveals a casket. She holds it in her clutches.

Lilith

To prove to me that youve completed your task, take this casket. Bring me back her
heart.

MUSIC #15C : MENACING MUSIC, BIG EVIL CHORDS

Sidney

Yes, your majesty. (He exits with the casket).

9

Lilith

And then, without doubt, Queen Lilith will once again be the fairest of them all. (She
cackles evilly).

Enter Rufus, catching Lilith at her most maniacal. She sees him and freezes.

Rufus
Lilith

Sorry. Am I interrupting something?

(Recovering quickly). No, no A little family situation. Kids! Whod have em? Not
me well, not for long.
I am Crown Prince Rufus of [local posh area].

Rufus

MUSIC #16 : FANFARE

Rufus

I accepted your invitation, Your Majesty, unaware at the time the question of marriage
would arise during my visit.
Foolish boy. My beauty is legendary. You should have known that with one glance
youd be smitten.
Well actually
Go on. Soak me in. You wont find totty like this up the [local downmarket main road] .
Queen Lilith! It isnt you I want to marry. Its your step-daughter, Snow White.
Her!?! Shes minging! And she doesnt even live here
Weve met twice today already.
And she drinks
Im confident she feels the same way about me.
OK, lover boy. Ive heard enough. Youve had the chance to play nicely.

Lilith
Rufus
Lilith
Rufus
Lilith
Rufus
Lilith
Rufus
Lilith

She casts a spell. A couple of ghouls enter and take hold of Rufus.

So its true what they say. You are a witch.

Too late, sweet cheeks. Flattery wont work for you now.

Rufus
Lilith

MUSIC #17 : GET THE PARTY STARTED [QUEEN LILITH]

Scene Four
Beyond the Town Walls. The following routine requires several Whiffenpoofs. They only need to bear a passing
resemblance to each other as long as they are all the same vibrant colour (pink or orange is best). The
Whiffenpoofs used are

One glove puppet. (#1)

Two feather boas attached one each to a flat either side of the pros arch with invisible wire. (#2 runs
upwards on one side, #3 runs downwards on the other side).They are worked simply from behind.
Two feather boas attached to tennis balls to be thrown across the stage. (#4 and #5)
One feather boa on a wire to be hooked to Chuckles trousers. (#7)
One feather boa concealed in Kittys costume. (#8)
One full costume in the same colour to be worn by a member of the chorus.(#9)

Kitty enters with a picnic hamper which is placed down stage left near one of the downstage entrances.

Kitty

Chuckles
Kitty
Chuckles
Kitty
Chuckles
Kitty

Hello girls. What a day Im having. I was looking out of my window earlier and there
was a man stealing my garden gate. I let him have it in the end. Well, I didnt want him
to take offence. Like the frock, Dickie? I call it my credit crunch dress. The fabrics so
skimpy every time I wear it I freeze my assets.
(Entering). Whos Chuckles chums? (Business). Mum, mum I met the dwarfs.
Bless him, boys and girls. His mind wanders. And its not strong enough to be out on its
own.
What have you got there?
Its some of the food for Snow Whites party. Get your mitts off.
Can I just have a tiny little look.
Go on then.
10

Chuckles
Kitty
Chuckles
Kitty
Chuckles
Kitty
Chuckles
Kitty

Chuckles
Kitty
Audience
Chuckles
Kitty
Chuckles
Audience
Kitty

(Opening the hamper). Look at all this grub! Theres cream cakes.

Cream cakes.
Pork pies!
Pork pies.
Pease Pudding hot!
Pease Pudding cold.
And sandwiches stuffed with savaloys!
I love sandwiches stuffed with savaloys! Trying saying that with second hand teeth,
Dickie. See what youve done, Chuckles. Youve got my tummy rumbling. I cant wait
for the party now.
Mines rumbling too. In fact Im going to pinch a sandwich.
He cant do that, can he, boys and girls?
Nooo!
Oh yes I can! (Business: Oh no you cant etc). Spoilsports.
Pass me a big bottle of Belgian beer from the hamper. I need to whet my whistle.
She cant pinch any beer, can she, boys and girls.
Nooo!
Oh yes I can. (Business: Oh no you cant etc) . Spoilsports. (She and Chuckles join each
other, stage centre). Lets be tinkers, Chuckles, and pinch a sandwich and bottle of beer
each. No one will notice.

Unseen by Kitty and Chuckles, Whiffenpoof #1 (the glove puppet) has appeared and is on the hamper. The
audience will shout. Chuckles sees the Whiffenpoof as it vanishes.

Chuckles
Kitty
Chuckles
Kitty

Mum, mum!
Dont Mum, mum me! Wheres my beer?
There was something in the hamper.
Theres nothing in the hamper. Hes such a fibber, boys and girls.

Whiffenpoof #1 appears again.

Chuckles
Kitty
Chuckles
Kitty
Chuckles
Kitty

Mum, mum!
(Seeing it this time). Chuckles, Chuckles, my lovely lad do you know what that was?

No
It was a Whiffenpoof!
A Whiffen what?
A Whiffen Poof and you dont find many of them round these parts nowadays, do you,
Dickie? Whiffenpoofs are terrible beasties and if we dont sort it out therell be no food
left for the party. Youll have to be a brave lad. (She goes to the hamper and gets out a frying
pan).

Chuckles
Kitty
Chuckles

This is going to be like our very own bush tucker trial, boys and girls.
Boys and girls, if the Whiffenpoof comes back, will you let us know?
Will you?

Whiffenpoof #2 goes up the pros arch. Kitty and Chuckles rush to try and get it.

Kitty
Chuckles

Its getting away!

Where is it, boys and girls?

Whiffenpoof #3 comes down the other pros arch. Kitty and Chuckles miss it again.

Chuckles

Mum its there! (He looks offstage and Whiffenpoof #4 attached to a tennis ball is thrown
across the stage).

Kitty

Its coming back (Whiffenpoof #5 is thrown across the stage from the opposite side). Its in the
hamper.

Chuckles goes to the hamper and hooks Whiffenpoof #6 onto his trousers, and runs around.

11

Chuckles
Kitty

Mum!!!! (He runs off).

My little boy! (She manipulates Whiffenpoof #7 so it looks like its coming out of her frock).
Eeeee, boys and girls Its in me knickers, Dickie well, it would be if I was
wearing any!

Exit Kitty. Enter Chuckles.

Chuckles

Dont worry, boys and girls. Were safe. The Whiffenpoof has gone!

A chorus member enters dressed as Whiffenpoof #8 with a huge frying pan and starts to creep up behind Chuckles.
(Business: Behind you etc). The Whiffenpoof chases Chuckles offstage.

Scene Five
The palace. This set should be full stage. It will double as the Finale.

MUSIC # 18 : ENTRANCE MUSIC FOR SNOW WHITE

Snow White

(Entering). Hello everybody. You can come out now. Im here. (Lilith enters with Sidney
lurking behind her). Step mother?

Lilith
Snow White
Lilith
Snow White

Look at you. My little girl. All grown up.

Wheres everyone else?
I wanted to spend some quality time with you on my own, child.
Thats nice. Oh. Almost forgot! Ive invited someone else to the party. Hope thats OK?
Its a Prince. And I think I might be in love with him.
(Through gritted teeth). We can talk about love later. First, your gift. Alas the palace piggy
bank is empty but I have a treat for you. Ive instructed Sidney to take you somewhere
special.
A trip to the woods to pick wild strawberries for your birthday tea.
The woods! Ive never been that far outside of Goodwill.
Well hurry, dear. Sidney will protect you from the dwarfs. Make sure you get back in no
time.
Safe and sound.

Lilith

Sidney
Snow White
Lilith
Sidney

Lilith and Sidney laugh.

Snow White
Sidney
Lilith

Thank you step-mother. Thank you for everything. (She exits).

Ill return, oh putrid one, when the terrible task has been completed. (He exits).
(Thinking). No. Not even a pang. Snow White is despatched. Let the party commence.
(She exits).

MUSIC #19 : ENTRANCE MUSIC FOR CHUCKLES & CHORUS

Enter Chuckles, followed by the Chorus.

Chuckles

Whos Chuckles chums! (Business). Ive decided what my surprise for Snow White is.
Im gonna sing her a song. And then Im going to tell her what I really feel about her.

MUSIC #20 : A BIG-HEARTED LOVE SONG [CHUCKLES & CHORUS]

At the end of the number a couple of chorus members exit for a quick change into ghouls.

Chuckles

Happy birthday, Snow White. I love you. There. I said it, I said it, I said it. I looooove
yooooooo!

Kitty has entered.

Kitty

I hope that last number wasnt too painful ladies and gentlemen. We couldnt afford
[latest heart-throb solo male singer]. (To Chuckles). Now look, bubble brains Have you
noticed someones missing?

Beat.

Both

Wheres Snow White?

12

MUSIC #21 : EVIL CHORDS

Enter Lilith, sporting sun glasses and mock distress.

Lilith
Kitty
Lilith
Chuckles
Audience
Lilith
Kitty
Chuckles
Kitty
Lilith

Kitty
Chuckles
Lilith

I have very bad news.

Theyve reinstated the pastie tax!
Snow White has gone. (There is general consternation). She left me a note: Dear
mummykins. Im out of here. How ungrateful. But I forgive her.
Is she fibbing, boys and girls?
Yes, she is.
Oh, no Im not! (Business).
Listen petal. If youve done anything to my Snow White, youll be for it.
You tell her, mum.
Ive not been this vexed since [insert any topical gag].
Silence! Dear Kitty. Dear Chuckles. I can understand your disappointment. Snow White
has let us all down. You have been loyal, loving, servants. And I cant thank you enough
for all youve done. So now. Youre fired. (The ghouls enter and throw bags or soft cases at
Kitty and Chuckles). Without Snow White, I have no use for you. So youre banished from
Goodwill.
You managed to fit all my smalls into this tiny case?
Smalls? On washing days you can see her bloomers with Google Earth!
And as for the rest of you, theres been a change of plan. This is now my engagement
party. Bring forth my intended: Prince Rufus of [local posh area] .

The ghouls drag Rufus on in chains.

Rufus
Lilith

Ill never marry you. Never.

Foolish boy, you have no choice. Ill make the thunder crack and the lightning flash. I
am all powerful and unstoppable. This time tomorrow, well be man and wife.

Lilith casts her spell. As the music starts, lights flash and thunder sounds. Lilith cackles.

MUSIC #22 : SHORT REPRISE, GET THE PARTY STARTED [LILITH]

During the music the Chorus run for cover. Kitty and Chuckles walk into the next scene.

Scene Six
Near the woods.

Kitty
Chuckles
Kitty

Chuckles
Kitty

I feel faint. I need a brandy.

We havent got any, Mum.
No brandy, no faint. Ive not been this upset since I was thrown off How To Look Good
Naked. Who does Lilith think she is? Marrying a handsome prince? Shes only ever
been beautiful the once, when she tried that mudpack. She looked fantastic for a
fortnight. Then the mud fell off.
Its time for me to blow my magic whistle.
Not in front of the boys and girls. Youre like Jedward rolled into one. Were jobless,
homeless, Snow Whiteless, and all you can do is

Chuckles blows his whistle. Bizzy and Huffity appear.

Bizzy
Kitty
Chuckles
Kitty
Chuckles
Kitty
Chuckles

You called for us, Chuckles?

Look. Ant and Decs dress sense has improved.
Theyre dwarfs.
They are a little bit shorter in the flesh Aaaagh! Dwarfs! My days complete. Aaagh!
Keep your wig on, Mum
My hairs natural!
The dwarfs are on our side and with my help theyre going to save the day.
13

Kitty
Chuckles
Bizzy
Huffity
Kitty

And my names Cheryl Cole

(To Bizzy). My pal Snow Whites in bother. Help her please!
We will take her deep into the enchanted forest to stay with us. She will be safe.
Now go with your mother and hide. But be careful. The forest sprites are in the mood for
dancing. Their powers can do strange things.
In for a penny, in for a pound.

Exit Chuckles and Kitty.

Weve got work to do, dwarfs!

Bizzy

Bizzy and Huffity exit. Sidney, with casket, enters, followed by Snow White.

Snow White
Sidney
Snow White
Sidney

Weve passed loads of wild strawberries, Sidney.

There are far juicier ones beyond this glade.
Were going to be late back. Ill miss the party.
Then I suppose here will have to be the perfect spot.

During the following line, Sidney takes out his knife and prepares to strike.

Snow White

Sidney

Good because I need to rest. Its so lovely here. And Ive really enjoyed seeing the
woodland animals along the way. And all the trees and plants and flowers (Heigh Ho
is heard offstage. She turns to see Sidney poised to swing down his knife). What are you doing?
Queen Liliths will, must be done.

MUSIC #23 : ATTACKING MUSIC UNDERSCORE

Snow White

No!

Sidney swipes and misses. Two dwarfs enter.

Sidney

Dwarfs! No. No. Save me!

They chase him off. Bizzy enters and grabs Snow White.

Youre safe Snow White, but only if you come with us.

Bizzy

The music builds as Snow White and Bizzy exit.

Scene Seven
The Enchanted Forest. This set should be as full stage as possible. A cut out of the Dwarfs cottage exterior at the
back is at this point hidden by cut outs of trees and foliage.

MUSIC #24 : ENTRANCE MUSIC FOR SNOW WHITE

Snow White enters, lost and afraid. The music stops.

Snow White

(Singing acapella). If I ruled the world / Every day would be the first day of spring etc.

Enter the Dwarfs.

Huffity

Quickly, Snow White. The forest sprites are about to make mischief.

They whisk Snow White off as Sidney enters.

Sidney

Lost! Im hopelessly lost. I want my mummy!

MUSIC #25 : IRISH DANCING MUSIC

A few Irish dancers appear. They surround Sidney. As they dance round him, he joins in.

Sidney

Whats happening to me?

Sidney and the dancers, dance off. Chuckles dances on with more Irish dancers.

Chuckles

Whos Chuckles chums! (Business). Look at me, boys and girls. Away with the fairies.
The story of my life.

Chuckles and the dancers, dance off. Kitty enters surrounded by dancers. She goes to the front of stage.

14

Even attempt to glimpse up my skirt during this Dickie and Ill launch myself at you.

Kitty

A river dance sequence begins which should/could include Kitty, Chuckles and Sidney. At the end, Kitty,
Chuckles and Sidney dance off as the Irish dancers give an encore. The dwarfs then enter with Snow White.

MUSIC #26 : PART, IF I RULED THE WORLD [SNOW WHITE & CHORUS]
She sings the final verse of the song and the Irish dancers move to reveal the Dwarfs Cottage cut out at the back of
the stage. SFX: the following is pre recorded.

Dwarfs

(Recording). Youll be safe with us Snow White, and out of harms way. Here in our

magical cottage in the enchanted woods!

As the curtain falls, Snow White holds out her hands. The Dwarfs take them and framed by the Irish dancers, they
turn towards the cottage. All will be well.

END OF ACT ONE

INTERVAL

15

MUSIC #27 : ENTRACTE

ACT TWO
Scene One
The Dwarfs Cottage in the Enchanted Forest. Snow White is discovered with the Dwarfs getting ready to do some
house work.

Snow White
Bizzy
Snow White

This cottage is in a terrible mess.

Thats because were all boys!
Thats no excuse, Bizzy. Its time for some spring cleaning. But I know a way of making
chores really fun.

MUSIC #28 : WHISTLE WHILE YOU WORK [SNOW WHITE & DWARFS]
Snow White

Chuckles
Snow White
Chuckles
Snow White
Chuckles
Snow White
Chuckles
Snow White
Chuckles
Snow White
Chuckles
Snow White
Chuckles
Snow White
Chuckles
Snow White
Chuckles
Snow White
Chuckles
Snow White
Chuckles
Snow White
Chuckles
Snow White
Chuckles

Come along you lot. Its time to get ready for work. (She kisses Bizzy, who is suddenly shy.
The other Dwarfs line up for their kiss and then go to get ready for work. Chuckles has entered
and is on his knees behind Tiddler. He shushes the audience as he steals a kiss from Snow
White). Chuckles!
Whos Chuckles chums? (Business).

Im so pleased to see you.

I bet you are. I saved the day!
I know. And I still cant believe my step mother pretended the dwarfs were monsters and
told Sidney to harm me. She was a baddie all along!
Whod have believed it!
What are we going to do about her?
Leave that to my Mum and me. Well fix things. You stay here with the Dwarfs until its
safe to come back home.
But Im worried. Theres someone at the palace I care about a great deal.
(Thinking Snow White is talking about him). There is?
And Im worried hell be in terrible danger.
Hell be brave enough to handle it.
You see I think I might love him.
You do? You really do?
But my step mother may already have but a terrible spell on him.
She hasnt!
Its odd feeling this way.
Its wonderful!
You see I only met him yesterday.
(Instantly deflated). So youre not talking about me?
No. Of course not. I mean Prince Rufus.
Oh. But I love you, Snow White.
I love you too, Chuckles. Youre my best friend.
I see. Well I suppose thats better than nothing. Ill be on my way. Off to save the day
again. (He starts to exit sorrowfully, egging the audience on to awwww him).
Have I upset you?
No. Ill be fine. (He exits to more awwwws. Then he dashes back on and gives Snow White a
kiss. All is forgiven). And youre not getting 50p for that one. (He exits).

A bell sounds. Bizzy enters.

Bizzy
Snow White

Its time for us to get to the diamond mine. Dont answer the door to any strangers whilst
were away.
I promise.
16

Bizzy

Are we ready, Dwarfs?

The Dwarfs enter with their work gear.

Dwarfs
Bizzy

Were ready.
Its off to work we go.

MUSIC #29 : BRIEF REPRISES, WHISTLE WHILE YOU WORK SEGUED WITH HEIGH HO [DWARFS]
The music plays as the Dwarfs leave.

Scene Two
The queens dastardly dungeon.

MUSIC #30 : EVIL MUSIC

Some Ghouls enter, moaning, and set a cauldron as Lilith appears laughing malevolently. Shes clasping the
casket. SFX: heart beat. She cackles. This is the wicked Queen at her wickedest yet.

Lilith

Mirror
Lilith
Mirror
Lilith
Mirror
Lilith

All that remains of Snow White. Her sweet heart, which Ill soon feed to my pet crows.
Now for the moment Ive been waiting for. (The mirror sweeps on). Mirror, Mirror make
your proclamation / Say Im the loveliest across the nation
Great Queen of Fear they foiled what you planned / Snow White lives on as the fairest in
the land.
Aaaaagh. How!? I have her tiny heart here in my clutches.
Sidney was scared by the Dwarfs, off to dig / Instead he brought you the heart of a pig.
The idiot! Where is she? Tell me, Mirror, or Ill break you to smithereens, where is that
wretch?
Befriended by the Dwarfs who followed a magic call / Safe within their cottage hides the
fairest of them all.
So not only is Snow White alive but the pesky Dwarfs have shown kindness to a human.
Their power will now be stronger. (Beat). Sidney!

The mirror sweeps off as Sidney enters, quaking.

Sidney

Oh, angry one, I appear before you a quivering heap

Lilith causes a magic flash. Sidney spasms in pain.

Lilith
Sidney
Lilith
Sidney
Lilith
Sidney
Lilith

Sidney

Kitty

You have failed me for the very last time.

Im sorry, Im sorry
Ill accept no excuses.
Im unworthy of your venom.
Its true what they say, ladies. If a jobs worth doing I need to spend a while cogitating.
I must select a spell, guaranteed to rid me of my nemesis once and for all.
Yes, Grande Dame of Doom and Gloom.
Guard the Castle of Goodwill. Make sure no one enters. Curse you, Snow White. Even
saying her name makes me sick. Snooooow White SNOW WHITE! Give me Fifty
Shades of Grey any day. (She exits).
I wont let your loathsome ladyship down. I must guard the chambers. Nothing will
distract me from my mission. Nothing. The most ravishing woman in Goodwill could
enter stage right this very instant and Id carry on with my task undaunted.
(Offstage). Oh, Mr Snarl.

MUSIC #31 : BLOWSY VAMP MUSIC

Kitty enters dressed like Lady Gaga. She must wear a head dress or wig which must include a phone that can be
answered during the next song.

Kitty
Sidney

What do you think girls? Chuckles always says Im a little bit Gaga.
Who goes there?
17

Kitty
Sidney
Kitty
Sidney
Kitty

Sidney
Kitty
Sidney
Kitty
Sidney
Kitty
Sidney
Kitty
Sidney
Kitty

Men call me diva, women call me devil, the police call me daily.
A strange alluring maiden.
Ive been known to have my moments. Ive seen it all, done it all. Cant remember most
of it.
You are fascinating.
I most certainly am. And Im sorry if Im a little late but I stopped off at the Corner
House for a tipple. I asked for a Double Entendre. So the barman gave me one. Now
Who are you, my tall dark dishy stranger?
Sidney Snarl. The Queens right hand man. When I was younger I was second to none,
well groomed and handsome.
Now look at you. Youre second-hand, not too well, and gruesome.
Strange lady, when was the last time you made love?
1945.
That long ago?
Its only 20.00 now.
You devastating damsel. You are one hundred percent woman.
I wont spoil the surprise girls.
I may be revolting through and through, but I yearn for romance.
Im in girls Dickie, Dickie love Youre dumped. If I had a romance with you, Mr
Sidney, it would be very bad indeed.

Dancers enter as Gaga girls.

MUSIC #32 : BAD ROMANCE [KITTY, SIDNEY & GAGA GIRLS]

In the middle of the number, SFX: a phone rings. The music stops as Kitty answers the phone on her head.

Kitty

You dont say You dont say! YOU DONT SAY You dont say. (She hangs up.
Beat).

Sidney
Kitty

Who was it?

They didnt say.

The song now continues. At the end, Kitty chases Sidney off followed by the gaga girls. Other Chorus Members
enter as Ghouls. They drag on a chained Prince Rufus.

Rufus

You wont get away with keeping me prisoner like this. My father will send all the
armed forces of [local posh area] to Goodwill.

The queen enters with her spell book.

Lilith
Rufus
Lilith

Diddums wants his daddy to rescue him?

When I get my hands on you
Now you know theres nothing Id enjoy more than that dear. (Beat). I have bad news.
Snow White lives!

The Ghouls float off.

Rufus
Lilith
Rufus

I told you shed escape, you old witch.

(Opening her spell book). But not for long. Now what spell shall I create to snuff her out?
Shall I turn her into a toad, and boil her? Shall I shrink her and feed her to dung beetles.
You can tell youre not Snow Whites real mother. Any apple that fell from your tree
would be rotten and maggoty.

Ping! Lilith has a moment of evil inspiration.

Lilith

Apple. Did you say apple? Genius.

Lilith exits cackling. Rufus struggles with his chains.

Rufus

Dont worry, Snow White. Ill free myself somehow, Ill be with you soon.
18

MUSIC #33 : PART, IF I RULED THE WORLD [PRINCE RUFUS]

Enter Chuckles. He signals for the audience to yell back at him quietly.

Chuckles
Rufus
Chuckles
Rufus
Chuckles
Rufus
Chuckles

Whos Chuckles chums? (Business). So this is what they did to the Olympic Stadium.
(He turns to the Prince). Hey fancy pants.
Are you talking to me?
(Producing a key, he unfastens the Prince). Do you want to see Snow White again, or not?
Youre one of her friends arent you!
Yes. A friend. Nothing else. Just a friend.
The Wicked Queen knows shes alive. She has an evil plan.
Not another one. Theres no time to lose!

They exit as underscoring begins.

MUSIC #34 : EVIL GHOULISH MUSIC

Ghouls drift on followed by the Queen.

Lilith

Simplicity itself will seal Snow Whites fate. (She produces a red apple and goes over to her
table). What could be more tempting than a juicy red apple. Delicious, but very deadly.
(She dips the apple in a vat).

MUSIC #35 : EVIL CHORDS.

Lilith

Now its tainted by poison. Belladonna and mandrake dust. Toad toes and
Strangleberries mixed malevolently with the sting of the Booger Bug. She will put this
apple to her lips, and die. And how will she be able to resist it, my dear Prince? (She turns
to find that he has vanished). Where is he? Ghouls! Sidney has failed me again. Unleash
the fearsome Ghosts from the deepest dungeon. (The ghouls groan). My monstrous army
of sinful sprites will deal with him, and the Prince, and anyone else who gets in my way.
(SFX: a dreadful sound is heard). Go my pretties. Destroy my enemies while I get down to
work To complete my spell, Ill turn myself into a crone. Snow Whites kindness will
be her downfall. Let darkness descend and my evil incantations begin!

MUSIC #36 : SNUFF OUT THE LIGHT [LILITH & GHOULS]

As the number ends, Lilith drinks from a cauldron. The Ghouls surround her. A crone double appears triumphant,
holding the poison apple aloft.

in this Preview Script, part of the panto has been deleted from here ...

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