We Need a

Sense From
Our Marriage
Partner
AnupamShaad
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We Need a Sense From

Marriage Partner

need which parallels the need for love is the desire to feel that one is

worthy of respect. Other people this problem is discussed in considerable detail in Chapter Seven, "Does Morality Make Sense?" See espe-

cially section on "Responsive Integrity." set the standards by which self

appraisal is made, but it is pretty much up to the individual to say which of the
goals shall be his to attain. Whatever the realm of achievement may be, he needs
to feel that he is a growing, progressing person.
In infancy there is ample evidence of rapid growth and motor development. The
first undirected leg and foot movements are preliminary to those which propel
the baby across the floor in creeping movements. That first thrilling moment
when, by holding onto a chair, he first stands erect and looks his world over
from the vertical rather than the horizontal plane is but the threshold of the adventure of learning to walk. Mo- tor development is remarkable creeping, walking, jumping; riding a tricycle, a scooter, a bicycle; then the first exciting
attempts at the wheel of the family car!
Building skills also bring their satisfactions with Marathi Matrimony. Whether
the media be cookie dough or soft pine lumber, clay or engine parts, erector sets
or radio equipment, the satisfaction of making something spurs us on and brings
to many a keen sense of progress. While one child finds his satisfaction in using
his hands and in getting around, another may find greater pleasure in precocious
mental achievements. The Quiz Kids are not only unusually bright youngsters; every one of them has grown up in a home where learning has
brought unusually keen satisfactions.
Evidence of the need to feel growth is seen in the
popularity of such mental sparring games as quiz
shows, popular versions of psychological tests,
and crossword puzzles. The reason that many men

keep golf scores so religiously is that the opportunity to measure their present
performance with some past achievement gives them pleasure. To feel the power
of growth within oneself is a magnificent sensation. To look over the past five or
ten years and see how far one has come in the ability to get along with people, in
the development of a satisfying hobby, in performance in one's business or profession, gives keen satisfaction that is its own reward.
The lack of this sense of personal worth is seen in the multitude of weary-eyed
wanderers who, losing faith in themselves, lose faith in others and in life itself.
The beaten, hangdog attitude which anticipates failure more often than not finds
it. On the other hand, the man who brings to marriage the rewards of years of
achievement and growth brings with him the faith that he can work out marriage adjustments as they arise, an attribute to weigh heavily in married life.
Modes of Adjusting to Unmet Needs. Methods of meeting unmet needs are so
standardized that psychologists have given them the name mechanisms. These
modes of adjustment are for the most part substitutive, and rest on willingness
to accept something less than the real thing. There are two general types, escape
and the defense mechanisms.
The escape mechanisms are all characterized by displacement of attention away
from the unhappy situation which produced the frustration, and are most frequently carried over from childhood patterns of adjustment. The schoolboy expresses the values of escape when he chants, "He who ducks and runs away lives
to duck another day." The trouble is that running away becomes a habit and
takes up more time and emotional energy than the original situation warranted.
There are some crises from which one should escape, but they are far fewer
than our poorly trained emotions would have us believe. Standing up
to life, understanding what the problem is and accepting it, develops the mental stamina which is needed in marriage.
Escape mechanisms enable the individual to alleviate the pain of frustration temporarily but do
nothing about meeting his long-time needs.

There are many forms of escape, the most frequent of which are:
1. Daydreaming or fantasy, in which the problem is solved by forgetting it;
building air castles in which there are no problems of any consequence.
2. Walking out on the problem or running away from it, refusing to talk about
it, passing the buck.
3. Retiring into oneself, being with the group but not of it, developing exclusiveness, withdrawing from contacts.
4. Regressing to infantile levels, backsliding to simpler or earlier forms of behavior which brought attention and satisfaction: bed-wetting, thumb sucking,
temper tantrums, refusal to eat, and so on.
5. Becoming sick, developing illnesses that come from mental more than physical causes: headaches, stomach troubles, tics, and other troubles which enable
the afflicted to run away from some difficulty.
6. The defense mechanisms are modes of adjustment by which the per- son bolsters himself when he feels threatened or inadequate. The individual is faced
with a need, but as he reaches out to satisfy it he is frustrated by an obstacle
or force which proves too great for him. Instead of making a direct attack on
the obstacle he allows himself to be maneuvered into taking something less
than the real thing; he may pretend he didn't want the need satisfied anyway,
or may even deny the existence of the need. The defense mechanisms all have
one generic factor in common : they all enable the individual using them to
prove to himself that there is nothing wrong with him and that the entire
blame for his difficulties can be placed elsewhere.
The defense mechanisms most frequently observed include:
7. Compensation, making up for a lack by overworking one's strengths, attaining satisfaction by enjoyment in a substitutive activity.
8. Rationalization, giving "good" excuses for one's behavior instead of
the real ones, justifying and defending mistakes as if they
were wise decisions. Rationalization is accomplished
in a variety of ways:
9. a. Being a Pollyanna, pretending that everything is wonderful.

B. Taking a sour grapes attitude, pretending you don't want to succeed.

C. Projecting your failure on others, seeing in them the weakness you are trying
to cover up in yourself.
Negativism, resisting domination, a common form of defending oneself.
These mechanisms, sometimes conscious, sometimes unconscious solutions to
problem situations, are rarely effective, because they are modes of adjustment by
subterfuge and substitution and do not really bring the craved satisfactions. Pretending that you don't like boys when you don't have a date doesn't give you a
partner for the evening nor prepare you to be more winsome another time. Nor
is there any gain in blaming your lack of popularity on your mother, your
clothes, or your roommate. Staying in and dreaming about being a pinup girl
with men flocking around you may be one way to spend the evening, but it
doesn't get you a date to the prom. Similarly, every other mechanism tends to
dodge the really effective ways of reaching the goals that you are striving to attain.
Confident persons develop the conviction that problems lend themselves to solution and choose direct ways of satisfying their needs. They are able to admit to
themselves that they are hungry or lonely or angry and then deal with the situation in an acceptable way. The direct approach is learned through success in past
forthrightness; it not only brings release for the moment but also establishes the
habit of direct satisfaction that assures good marriage adjustment.