motionalIntelligence:TheSocialSkillYou

Weren'tTaughtinSchool
ricRavencraft,lifehacker.com
(http://getpocket.com/redirect?
url=http%3A%2F%2Flifehacker.com%2Femotionalintelligence-the-ocial-kill-ou-werent-ta1697704987%3Futm_ource%3Dpocket%26utm_medium%3Demail%26utm_campaign%3Dpockethit)
April14th,2015
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Youretaughtaouthitor,cience,andmathwhenouregrowingup.Motofu,
however,arenttaughthowtoidentifordealwithourownemotion,orthe
emotionofother.Theekillcanevaluale,utoullnevergetthemina
claroom.
motionalintelligence(http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/motional_intelligence)ia
horthandthatpchologicalreearcheruetodecriehowwellindividualcan
managetheirownemotionandreacttotheemotionofother.Peoplewhoexhiit

emotionalintelligencehavetheleovioukillneceartogetaheadinlife,uch
amanagingconictreolution,readingandrepondingtotheneedofother,and
keepingtheirownemotionfromoverowinganddiruptingtheirlive.Inthiguide,
welllookatwhatemotionalintelligencei,andhowtodevelopourown.

WhatImotionalIntelligence?

Meauringemotionalintelligenceirelativelnewintheeldofpcholog,onlrt
eingexploredinthemid-80.Severalmodelarecurrentleingdeveloped,utfor
ourpurpoe,wellexaminewhatknownathemixedmodel
(http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/motional_intelligence#Mixed_model),developed
pchologitDanielGoleman(http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Daniel_Goleman).The
mixedmodelhavekearea
(http://www.ntime.com/2015/04/12/education/edlife/how-to-e-emotionallintelligent.html?_r=0):
Self-awarene:Self-awareneinvolveknowingourownfeeling.Thi
includehavinganaccurateaementofwhatourecapaleof,whenouneed
help,andwhatouremotionaltriggerare.
Self-management:Thiinvolveeingaletokeepouremotionincheckwhen

theecomediruptive.Self-managementinvolveeingaletocontrol
outurt,calmldicuingdiagreement,andavoidingactivitiethat
undermineoulikeextendedelf-pitorpanic.
Motivation:veroneimotivatedtoactionrewardlikemoneortatu.
Golemanmodel,however,refertomotivationfortheakeofperonaljo,
curioit,ortheatifactionofeingproductive.
mpath:Whilethethreeprevioucategorierefertoaperoninternal
emotion,thionedealwiththeemotionofother.mpathithekilland
practiceofreadingtheemotionofotherandrepondingappropriatel.
Socialkill:Thicategorinvolvetheapplicationofempathawella
negotiatingtheneedofotherwithourown.Thicanincludefindingcommon
groundwithother,managingotherinaworkenvironment,andeing
peruaive.
Youcanreadaitmoreaouttheedierentcategoriehere
(http://www.onoma.edu/uer//wijtink/teaching/philooph_101/paper1/goleman.htm)
Theorderoftheeemotionalcompetencieintallthatrelevant,awealllearnman
oftheekillimultaneoulawegrow.Italoimportanttonotethat,forour
purpoe,wellonleuingthiaaguide.motionalintelligenceintanareathat
motpeoplereceiveformaltrainingin.Wellletpchologitargueoverthejargon
andmodel,utfornowletexplorewhateachoftheemeanandhowtoimprove
theminourownlife.

Self-Awarene
eforeoucandoanthingelehere,ouhavetoknowwhatouremotionare.
Improvingourelf-awareneithertteptoidentifinganprolemareaoure
facing.Hereareomewatoimproveourelf-awarene:
Keepajournal:Careerkilllogrecommendtartingkeepingajournalof
ouremotion(http://lifehacker.com/wh-ou-hould-keep-a-journal-and-howto-tart-our-1547057185).Attheendofeverda,writedownwhathappened
toou,howoufelt,andhowoudealtwithit.Periodicall,lookackoverour

journalandtakenoteofantrend,orantimeouoverreactedtoomething.
Akforinputfromother:Awevetalkedaouteforewhendealingwithour
elf-perception,inputfromothercaneinvaluale(http://lifehacker.com/howto-change-our-elf-perception-to-leverage-our-hid-1660090757).Trtoak
multiplepeoplewhoknowouwellwhereourtrengthandweakneelie.
Writedownwhatthea,comparewhattheatoeachotherand,again,look
forpattern.Motimportantl,dontarguewiththem.Thedonthavetoe
correct.Yourejuttringtogaugeourperceptionfromanotherpointofview.
Slowdown(ormeditate):motionhaveahaitofgettingthemotoutof
controlwhenwedonthavetimetolowdownorprocethem
(http://lifehacker.com/what-i-learned-from-a-week-awa-from-tech-ditraction1697454052).Thenexttimeouhaveanemotionalreactiontoomething,trto
paueeforeoureact(omethingtheinternetmakeeaierthanever,ifoure
communicatingonline).Youcanalotrmeditating(http://lifehacker.com/whathappen-to-the-rain-when-ou-meditate-and-how-it-1202533314)tolowour
raindownandgiveouremotionaltateroomtoreathe.
Ifouveneverpracticedintentionalelf-awarene,theetiphouldgiveoua
practicalheadtart.OnetrategIperonallueitogoonlongwalkorhave
converationwithmelfdicuingwhatotheringme.Often,Illndthatthe
thingIatotheimaginarotherendoftheconverationcangivemeomeinight
intowhatrealluggingme.Theimportantapectitolookinward,ratherthan
focuingolelonexternalfactor.

Self-Management

Onceouknowhowouremotionwork,oucantartguringouthowtohandle
them.Properelf-managementmeancontrollingourouturt,ditinguihing
etweenexternaltriggerandinternalover-reaction,anddoingwhatetforour
need.
Onekewatomanageouremotionitochangeourenorinput.Youve
proalheardtheoldadvicetocounttotenandreathewhenoureangr.Speaking
aomeonewhohadplentofoverwhelmingiuewithdepreion
(http://lifehacker.com/ve-leon-i-learned-from-dealing-with-depreion-1595249546)
andanger,thiadviceiuuallcrap(thoughifitworkforou,morepowertoou).
However,givingourphicalodajoltcanreaktheccle
(http://www.pchologtoda.com/log/communication-ucce/201410/howincreae-our-emotional-intelligence-6-eential).Ifourefeelinglethargic,doome
exercie.Ifouretuckinanemotionalloop,giveourelfanapoutofit
(http://www.outue.com/watch?v=0x-fkSYDtUY)lap.Anthingthatcangivea
lighthocktoourtemorreaktheexitingroutinecanhelp.
LifehackeralumAdamDachialorecommend(http://lifehacker.com/how-tomanage-our-eething-rage-productivel-1453235396)funnelingemotionalenerginto
omethingproductive.Italrighttoletoverwhelmingemotiontewinideoufora

moment,ifitnotanappropriatetimetoletthemout.However,whenoudo,rather
thanventitonomethingfutile,turnitintomotivationintead:

Irecentltartedplaingtenniforfun,knowingthatIdneverecome
exceptionalecaueIegantoolateinlife.Iveecomeetterandhaveaver
minortalentforthegame,owhenIplapoorlInowknowandIgetdown
onmelf.WhenupagaintanopponentwithfarmorekillIndithardtodo
muchelethangetangr.Ratherthanletthatangerout,Itakenoteofitand
ueittofuelmdeiretopracticemore.Whetherinport,work,oreverda
life,wecangetcomplacentwithourkillandforgetthatwealwahaveome
roomforimprovement.Whenoutarttogetmad,getetterintead.

Youcantalwacontrolwhatmakeoufeelacertainwa,utoucanalwa
controlhowoureact.Ifouhaveomeimpulecontrolprolem,ndwatoget
helpwhenourefeelingcalm.Notallemotioncaneventedawa.Mtrugglewith
depreiontaughtmethatomeemotionperitlongaftertheoverow.However,
therealwaamomentwhenthoefeelingfeelalittleleintene.Uethoe
momenttoeekhelp.

Motivation
Wetalkaoutmotivationalot(http://lifehacker.com/5958782/four-trategie-thatuild-lating-motivation-and-how-to-ue-them-to-achieve-our-goal).Whenwere
talkingaoutmotivationaitrelatetoemotionalintelligence,however,wedontjut
meangettinguptheenergtogotowork.Weretalkingaoutourinnerdriveto
accomplihomething.Thatdriveintjutomefeel-goodnonene,either.A
Pchologtodaexplain(http://www.pchologtoda.com/log/the-rain-andemotional-intelligence/201112/motivation-what-move-u),thereaectionofour
prefrontalcortexthatlightupatthemerethoughtofachievingameaningfulgoal.

Whetherourgoaliuildingacareer,raiingafamil,orcreatingomekindofart,
everonehaomethingthewanttodowiththeirlife.Whenourmotivationi
workingforou,itconnectwithrealitintangilewa.Wanttotartafamil?
Motivatedpeoplewilltartdating.Wanttoimproveourcareer?Motivatedpeople
willeducatethemelve,applfornewjo,orangleforapromotion.
DanielGolemanugget(http://www.leaderin.com/programme/daniel-goleman-onhow-to-motivate-a-demotivated-peron)thatinordertotartmakingueofthat
motivation,ourtneedtoidentifourownvalue.Manofuareouthatwe
donttakethetimetoexaminewhatourvaluereallare.Orwore,welldoworkthat
directlcontradictwhatwevalueforolongthatweloethatmotivationentirel.
Unfortunatel,wecantgiveoutheanwerforwhatitiouwantinlife,utthere
arelotoftrategieoucantr(http://lifehacker.com/four-wa-to-gure-out-whatou-reall-want-to-do-with-513095544).Ueourjournaltondtimewhenouve
feltfullled.Createalitofthingouvalue.Motofall,accepttheuncertaint
(http://lifehacker.com/how-to-decide-on-what-to-do-with-our-life-1588240029)inlife
andjutuildomething.FitneintructorMichaelMantell,Ph.Duggetthat
(http://greatit.com/tne/intrinic-motivation-achieving-goal)uingleeruccee
ouknowoucanaccomplih.Rememer,everonewhoaccomplihedomething
ouwanttoachievediditlowl,overtime.

mpath

Youremotionareonlonehalfofallourrelationhip.Itthehalfoufocuonthe
mot,ure,utthatonlecaueouhangoutwithourelfeverda.Alltheother
peoplethatmattertoouhavetheirownetoffeeling,deire,trigger,andfear.
mpathiourmotimportantkillfornavigatingourrelationhip
(http://lifehacker.com/wh-empath-i-our-mot-important-kill-and-how-to-pr1505011685).mpathialife-longkill,uthereareometipoucanuetopractice
empath:
Shutupandliten:Weregonnatartwiththehardetonehere,ecaueitthe
motimportant.Youcantexperienceeveroneelelivetofullundertand
them,utoucanliten.Liteninginvolvelettingomeoneeletalkandthennot
counteringwhatthea.Itmeanputtingaideourpreconceptionor
kepticimforaitandallowingtheperonouretalkingtoachancetoexplain
howthefeel.mpathihard,utvirtualleverrelationhipouhavecane
improvedatleatmarginallwaitingatleatanextratenecondeforeou
retaketheconveration.
Takeupacontrarpoitiontoourown:Oneofthequicketwatoolidifan
opinioninourminditoargueinfavorofit.Tocounterthi,takeupacontrar
poition(http://www.outue.com/watch?v=kQFKtI6gn9Y).Ifouthinkour
oieingunreaonale,trdefendingtheiractioninourhead.Wouldou

findtheiractionreaonaleifouwereintheirhoe?venakingthequetion
ofourelfcaneenoughtotartempathizingwithanotherpointofview
(though,ofcoure,gettingrealanwerfromothercanalwahelp).
Dontjutknow,trtoundertand:Undertandingiketohavingempath.A
wevedicuedefore,undertandingithedifference
(http://lifehacker.com/the-difference-etween-knowledge-and-undertanding-ie-1624463050)etweenknowingomethingandtrulempathizingwithit.Ifou
catchourelfaing,Iknow,ut,alot,takethataanindicatorthatou
houldpaueaitmore.Whenomeonetellouaoutanexperiencethatnot
ourown,takeometimetomulloverhowourlifemightedifferentifou
experiencedthatonadailai.Readaoutituntilitclick.Itokaifoudont
pendallourtimedevotedtoomeoneelelife,utputtinginjutometime
evenifitidlethoughttimewhileouworkcaneeneficial.
denition(http://lifehacker.com/thi-video-explain-the-dierence-etweenempath-and-1487494909),empathmeangettingintheemotionaldirtwithomeone
ele.Allowingtheirexperiencetoreonatewithourownandreponding
appropriatel.Itokatooeradviceoroptimim,utempathalorequirethatou
waitfortherightpacetodothat.Ifomeoneonthevergeoftear,orharingome
deeppain,dontmakelightofitanddonttrtominimizethehurt.emindfulofhow
themutfeelandallowthempacetofeelit.

SocialSkill
Summingupallocialkillinoneectionofanarticlewoulddoaoutamuchjutice
tothetopicaifwenuckinariefexplaineronatrophic.However,thetoolou
developintheotherfourareawillhelpoureolvealotofocialprolemthatman
adulttillwretlewith.AGolemanexplain(http://www.danielgoleman.info/ocialkill-and-eq/),ourocialkillaecteverthingfromourworkperformanceto
ourromanticlife:

Socialcompetencetakemanformitmorethanjuteingchatt.Thee
ailitierangefromeingaletotuneintoanotherperonfeelingand
undertandhowthethinkaoutthing,toeingagreatcollaoratorandteam
plaer,toexpertieatnegotiation.Alltheekillarelearnedinlife.Wecan
improveonanofthemwecareaout,utittaketime,eort,and
pereverance.Ithelptohaveamodel,omeonewhoemodiethekillwe
wanttoimprove.utwealoneedtopracticewheneveranaturalloccurring
opportunitarieanditmaeliteningtoateenager,notjutamomentat
work.

Youcantartwiththemotcommonformofocialprolem:reolvinga
diagreement.Thiiwhereougettoputallourkilltothetetinareal-world
environment.Wevegoneintothiujectin-depthhere(http://lifehacker.com/howto-turn-an-argument-into-a-productive-dicuion-1171337265),utwecanummarize
theaictep:
Identifanddealwithouremotion:Wheneverouhaveanargumentwith
omeoneele,thingcangetheated.Ifomeoneinvolvediemotionallworked
up,dealwiththatprolemfirt.Taketimeaparttovent,lowoffteamonour
own,thenreturntotheprolem.Inaworkenvironment,thimajutmean
complainingtoafriendeforeouemailouroack.Inaromantic
relationhip,remindourpartnerthatoucareaoutthemeforecriticizing.
Addrelegitimateprolemonceoureothcalm:Onceoureinourright
headpace,identifwhattheconflicti.eforeoujumptoolution,makeure
ouandtheotherperonagreeonwhattheprolemreallare
(http://lifehacker.com/utilize-the-teel-man-tactic-to-argue-more-effectivel1632402742).Propoeolutionthataremutualleneficialandempatheticto
anconceiontheotherperonmaeunwillingtomake(uteuretotand
firmonourown).

ndonacooperativenote:Whetherinuineorpleaure,relationhipwork
etwheneveroneinvolvedknowthatthereontheamepage.venifou
cantendonapoitivenote,makeurethatthelatintentionoucommunicatei
acooperativeone.Letouro/coworker/ignificantotherknowthatouwant
toworktowardtheamegoal,evenifouhavedifferentview.
Notevertpeofinteractionwithanotherperonwilleaconict,ofcoure.Some
ocialkilljutinvolvemeetingnewpeople(http://lifehacker.com/how-to-e-moreintereting-when-meeting-new-people-1612086910),ocializingwithpeopleof
dierentmindet(http://lifehacker.com/how-introvert-and-extrovert-canpeacefull-coexit-638422576),orjutplainggame(http://lifehacker.com/what-ilearned-aout-dealing-with-people-from-plaing-g-1682012747).However,reolving
conictcaneoneoftheetwatolearnhowtoapplouremotionalkill.
Diputeareetreolvedwhenouknowwhatouwant,cancommunicateit
clearl,undertandwhatomeoneelewant,andcometofavoraletermfor
everone.Ifouveeenpaingattention,oullnoticethatthiinvolveeverother
areaoftheemotionalintelligencemodel.
PhotoTracRoen(http://www.ickr.com/photo/mharmonicagoldh/1326419454),LidanneAquino
(http://www.ickr.com/photo/lethaargic/4330245874),radFult(http://www.ickr.com/photo/h3h/1962008086).

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