T h e Le a d in g M a n

Program Nine
Conflict Resolution
Hows it going gentlemen? This is Scot McKay from X &Y Communications. Youre listening
to yet another audio program from The Leading Man Relationship Management System. And
today, were going to talk about a topic that I think is absolutely crucial to mastering your
ability to manage relationships, and that is conflict resolution.
What were talking about is how to handle not only disagreements in a relationship between
you and a woman, but conflicts of interest and grievances that come up on your part towards
her or on her part towards you--all of which are bound to happen in a relationship.
There is no relationship that can go on for weeks, months, or years without any conflict
coming up whatsoever. Youre a human being. Shes a human being.
Youre going to have to know how to handle these disagreements, these grievances, in an
effective way that strengthens your relationship rather than tearing it down. You never want to
say something that youre going to regret later. Thats the cardinal rule of conflict resolution.
So its always imperative to keep a clear head and to do the right thing. And as well talk
about, a lot that conceptualization of what that right thing is should be something youre going
to decide up front, not in the heat of the moment.
So lets talk about some prerequisites for effective conflict resolution right here at the top.
Elsewhere in The Leading Man, weve talked about finding a reasonable woman. Now, this is
absolutely all-important. You just cant reason with someone whos unreasonable. Therefore,
conflict resolution is utterly impossible in that case. So guys, when you are evaluating the
kind of woman youre bringing into your life, make sure shes someone that you can have a
rational conversation with, who can understand the difference between right and wrong, and
who is going to operate on an even playing field with you when it comes to being reasonable.
Simply put, having an emotionally stable woman in your life should be absolute top priority
because if shes not, youre just going to be building for yourself a world of painand pretty
much perpetual pain.
The same goes for blaming and refusal to accept responsibility. You have to be the kind of
person who is going to say, Hey, you know what, this is on me. This is something that I need
to correct in my life. And you cant be that kind of person that takes difficulty and projects it
onto others in that blaming sense.
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And of course, she cant be that type of person either. Youve got to screen for that in a
woman up front. Does she blame everyone else? Is she always the victim? Is nothing ever
her fault?
Well, thats a red flag, right?
Theres just not going to be any ability to have any sort of conflict resolution thats effective if
one party or the other is going to always refuse to take personal responsibility.
Also, screen for inherent distrust or dislike for manhood. You should never have the sins of all
bad guys visited upon you simply because of your gender. You see what I mean by that?
If a woman is going to come to you and say, Hey look, you know what? Youre the guy;
therefore there is a different set of rules for you. What I like to call the double standard,
right? Then youre never going to be able to resolve conflict in any way thats going to be
meaningful. Theres always going to be that chip on her shoulder that says, You know what?
Because youre the guy, youre going to be held to a different standard and things are going to
be your fault more often.
Now guys, you know were not off the hook either. There are a lot of us as guys who really
dont have the kind of respect for womanhood in general that we really should and we start
saying, Well, you know, all women are bitches or all women are gold diggers. And we start
kind of laying that double standard at the feet of the woman were with.
As long as youre that kind of guy you cannot conduct a relationship with a woman from that
level playing field that says, Hey, you know what? Were both human beings. Were both
subject to the same rules, the same standards, and we are going to operate from a position of
really considering each other both as reasonable human beings who have equal responsibility
for doing the right thing in this relationship.
Youre not going to be able to be one half of a great relationship--not until you get that figured
out, because women and men as partners in a relationship have got to be able to come to the
table of conflict resolution ready to find a suitable solution to whatever is facing you at the
moment because you care about each other, you love each, and you want this thing to be
stronger for having dealt with the problem at hand.
You see what I mean? There can be no double standard on either side, and well cover a few
examples of how that could potentially work in a bit.
Now 20/20 foresight when it comes to conflict resolution is absolutely golden. You lead as a
man. Therefore, you seek to do whats in her best interest without ever manipulating her.
Remember, shes a human being. Shes not a thing. Shes not someone whos there to give
you pleasure necessarily. She is a person with her own needs and you cant manipulate that.
You cant treat her like an idiot, guys.
A lot of the pickup tactics that you hear talked about really are designed from a perspective of,
Hey, you know what? If we cant really get a woman to like us for what we offer naturally,
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what were going to do instead is were going to control her. And you cant be that kind of
controlling jerk and expect to have any real conflict resolution.
You cant exasperate her either. You cant just outlast her emotionally, if you know what I
mean. You cant do what, you know, is very typical of alcoholics for example, where if you
bring any grievance to an alcoholic the alcoholic is going to tend to turn around and just
absolutely lambaste you with all kinds criticisms even flat out insults. The goal being, you
know, youre never going to ever want to bring a grievance up to that guy ever again.
So any kind of disrespectful manipulation or attempting to exasperate the woman is always
out of the question. It should never be any kind of priority for you, and indeed you should be
looking for that in the woman also. Does she have this tendency to try to manipulate the
situation for her own best interest no matter what without looking at your needs? Does she
try to exasperate you?
Next, never make promises you dont intend on keeping in a relationship. You see what I
mean by that? You dont ever say youre going to do something that you cant actually do or
you dont want to do. Youre just begging for trouble later. And dont hold unreasonable
expectations towards your woman, nor should she hold unreasonable expectations towards
you.
Let me give you some examples. If you are a kind of guy who is being unreasonable in your
expectations towards the woman in your life, you may say that she should spend no money
ever. That is to say, whenever she leaves the house, if she spends a single penny, youre
going to be upset at her. She should never have to live under that cloud.
You should never say to her, for example, that if she ever talks to any member of the male
species ever again, thats a violation of trust, and she should know better because now shes
married to you and you are the only guy in her life. Thats unreasonable.
Its also unreasonable that she call you every ten minutes when she is away from the house
or that she does every single solitary household chore, etc. etc. You see, all these are kind of
built around extremes. And youve got to have the 20/20 foresight between you and her to
agree that youre not going to have these extreme expectations, these unreasonable
expectations, either you for her or her for you.
Also, you set standards up front and agree on what I call the best practices on the
partnershipand eventually, the best practices of a family before the issues arise. This is in
principle a lot like being honest about dating other women before theres an issue there, kind
of like we talked about in The Man In Demand program here on The Leading Man.
In other words, just like you want to avoid having your head in the sand and not talking about
the fact that youre dating other women early on in a relationship, and therefore having it
come up later when shes already angry and when theres already a potential conflict, the best
practice when dating other women is to tell women up front, Hey, you know what? Im dating
other women. Heres why. Here are my goals. Here is how it affects you. However you
want to put it in the most salient manner for a woman, as we talked about in that other
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program.
Thats an example--a key example--of having this best practice for the partnership. You come
up with all of those things. It can be as simple as who parks which car in the garage and why
and which car stays in the driveway. It can be how often we do laundry, how laundry is done,
etc.
Even on the social front, you can make these 20/20 foresight kind of decisions, have these
discussions early on. For example, you can say, Okay, heres how often we can expect to go
on real dates together, even after were comfortable with each other. Heres what the budget
may look like for that.
You may agree on the kind of friends that youre going to bring into your life. Okay, this guy
in my life I realize is a bad influence. Were going to cut off ties with this particular negative
person now that were a couple. Or, Were going to seek out couples to hang out with
together, were going to work on having mutual friends. You can make up whatever
guidelines you want for your relationship as long as the two of you agree on those up front.
Now, you dont want to go overboard and come up with this granular list that youre going to
follow as if its a manual for running every operational aspect of your life, but anything that you
see as being a potential flashpoint later on you definitely want to have a sober conversation
about it up front, before any such conflict arises.
Now, when these things are discussed when everyone is calm and the situations merely
theoretical, youre likely to agree on the basic tenets that you decide upon more readily. Its
when something actually happens before you and she have ever considered what to do in the
event of it happening that sides are taken, and opinions are open into interpretation, and you
get that red hot conflict that we want to avoid.
So really, its mission critical for the two of you as a couple in a relationship to set up these
20/20 foresight kind of boundaries up front.
And, like I said, how granular you want to get is up to you, but some of the areas you may
want to consider at least from a broad perspective are money and spending, sexual
boundaries (in other words, what youre going to do and not prefer to do in the bedroom. And
guys, this is something you absolutely want to discuss with the woman before you get in the
heat of the moment, right?), relationship boundaries, what constitutes flirting, what the other
side is going to potentially get jealous about, where disrespectful behavior is perceived to
happen potentially, and what that would be defined as in the moment, etc. Daily household
tasks: Whos going to be responsible for what and on how regular of a basis. And even child
rearing, including discipline of each others children from previous marriage.
If youre planning to have kids, of course youre going to have to agree on how those children
are going to be raised and just about every way. And especially if youre talking about
creating a blended family where you have children and she has children, youre going to have
to know where the boundaries are in terms of interacting with her kids from a disciplinary
perspective and vice versa.
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And of course, its good to come up with the boundaries about conflict management itself.
Decide what the ground rules are in terms of actually engaging each other when you have
grievances or disagreements--and well talk about some examples of those in a bit.
You know, conflict is not necessarily angry.
Were about to spend a lot of time talking about how to handle emotionally charged conflicts
like that, but really any area of disagreement is conflict. You must agree to face up the
conflict and resolve it even when its not emotionally charged. Otherwise, someone is going
to end up in a position over time where he or she is feeling disrespected due to the steady
stream of small infractions that were let go because they were perceived to be, you know,
small things. That partner is going to become bitter if he or she is subjected to a steady
stream of small things that arent let go overtime.
Ignoring, or in fact avoiding, small-time conflicts does indeed result in long-term bitterness.
Guys, never ever forget that, because we in particular as guys are very, very much subject to
becoming complacent.
And we like our status quo, dont we? We dont really need change. We dont really like
having these emotionally laden conversations with women. And were more willing to let little
things go than women are.
But you dont want to end up with a bitter woman. You have to be willing--you have to be man
enough--to engage the woman whenever grievances happen--whenever there are any
disagreements--because its going to be meaningful to her that you did so.
Otherwise, youre pretty much just being selfish as a man. And when needs are not getting
met at the expense of someone elses selfishness, thats bitternesspretty much by
definition.
Now, you want to avoid long-term hassles with the 20/20 foresight to agree to resolve even
small conflicts in a way that hopefully results in mutual long-term benefit. That benefit to
giving up something small today for either one of you may very well be the prevention of a
bitter, jaded partner later. In other words, lets say theres something about you or theres
something thats going on around the house that shes kind of disappointed in or if she doesnt
like. For you, its not a big deal at all.
Well, agree to that change. And even though this sounds like a no-brainer, for many guys it
becomes an ego issue because they feel like they have to be in control. They dont want to
give in to the desires of this woman even when making her happy in this situation is of no real
consequence to the guy.
Well, dont be that guy. Man up and make sure your woman is happy in these situations. Its
really going to make your relationship so much better. And guys, youre not giving up power
by doing that. Remember, as long as you are the guy making the decisions on behalf of the
family in her best interestand doing whats right and making that ultimate decision--you are
the guy who is wearing the pants in the family.
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Now, lets talk about some examples here, kind of to flesh this out. You may want to make
Friday night date night for both of you even if you want to watch the fight on HBO for example
instead. She would be willing to let you play golf instead of dragging you shoe shopping with
her, and then you should be willing to eat at a restaurant she has a craving for if you really
have no preference.
Or you may want to let her decorate the master bathroom her way as long as its not
completely repulsive to you or done up in pink or frilly stuff that you just cant stand to look at
everyday. Because you know that decorating the master bathroom is more important to her
than it is to you.
Indeed, neither of you should do anything that the other is really opposed to. But when one
has a stronger preference than the other, and the end result is really innocuous either way,
you as the man go with the flow. Make her happy, and she should do the same for you.
Remember guys, when you lead in this regard, she is going to make you happy too because,
like we talked about at the outset, youve chosen a reasonable woman. Youre not talking
about a woman with a double standard, right? So, when you have this woman in your life and
you know that you can come to the table with grievances and express your discontent about
something in a way thats meaningful and civil, right? That you present it to each other as
human beings Then basically, each of you should be able to give and take when the stakes
are small from time to time in the best interest of each other.
By the way, this concept of handling small conflicts straight away rather than letting them
simmer for ages goes for anything that displeases you or her in a relationship, not just opinion
based conflicts.
You cant stick your head in the sand, nor can she, about anything thats of concerned to you.
Her attitude, irritating mannerisms, if she slips a bit in taking care of herself over time, her
becoming complacent in keeping up her end of the relationship in any way, her taking you for
granted and not reciprocating the goodness that you bring into her life.
Youve got to address these things as soon as theyre an issue before bitterness sets in.
Dont wuss out here by attempting to avoid small discomforts. Just like we talked about, its
easy for us guys to accept the status quo and not want to rock the boat because its no big
deal. Well guys, these small discomforts are not fun to deal with, but theyre almost always
survivable while theyre small things.
If you let them simmer for ages, on the other hand, when it does come out it will do so in
dramatic fashion--often accompanied by things you or she wish you hadnt said.
More on that later, but suffice it to say for now you dont want that. And you also must build
an environment of trust and openness, again, by leading. That allows her to express what
concerns her about you as soon as possible also.
You just cant suppress her or belittle her when she brings up small grievances, because she
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will stop doing so. She is a woman and youre a leader, so shes going to get intimidated very
quickly. And guys, you cant afford that because it takes away that level playing field. You
see that? Shes going to be clamming up and shes going to start getting bitter.
Now, if you lead toward that climate of simmering silence in a relationship, heres how youre
going to pay for it. Youre going to pay for it potentially with a swift and sudden breakup within
months or years from now, assuming she is not the type to be a quitter.
And if and when this happens and she doesnt want to talk about why she is leaving you when
that time comes, it could be because you never created that atmosphere of open
communication when difficult subjects needed dealing with. You see how that whole dynamic
can build and rear its ugly head over time?
Now, truth be told often the most mission critical moments of conflict do indeed involve some
anger, though. Hopefully, these wont be due to that simmering silence that Ive just
described because you can take the preventative measures Ive just shown you to make sure
that doesnt happen.
Nevertheless, youre just going to press each others hot buttons as a man and woman right
there on the spot sometime during your relationship. For some couples, its going to be more
often and others because of the personalities involved. And while its nice to hope that you
can have a long-term relationship without every getting angry with each other, sometimes
people really do have these very passionate personalities. And its just flat out not reasonable
to expect that they will never be any dramatic flare-ups.
Regardless here, the best strategy is to anticipate the possibility of this happening. Kind of
like a fighter pilot anticipates engaging enemy aircraft, even though he may never really enter
an actual wartime situation.
Mental and emotional preparation is the key here. In other words, know in your head exactly
how youd prefer to respond to situations when they come up and resolve today to recognize
the emotions that might arise in those situations. In that way, they wont sneak up on you and
get the best of you. And you wont become a victim of your own lack of self-control and/or get
ambushed in the moment.
Recognize when her speech is starting to get a little more high pitched, its starting to get a
little bit more intoned with anger and frustration, and recognize that in yourself too so that you
can let the warning signs--the early warning signs--kind of go off in your mind and say, Okay,
were headed towards something that we dont want to have happen here. And that way, you
can be ready because you practiced ahead of time. Youve learned how to recognize the
situation. You can be ready to handle conflict in a more civil manner every single time, and
thats important for you guys as leaders.
Here are some practical guidelines to assist you here. That is, here are some potential
ground rules to set for handling conflict resolution as I promised earlier.
First of all, lets talk about violence. Decide right here and right now that you will never lift a
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finger to harm any woman. Actually, get her to agree in reciprocal terms.
I know that sounds kind of strange because youre a man and she is a woman, and its not
that she will beat you up or stab you in your bed at night, we hope, but just to make sure
youre on equal ground. Because remember, if theres a double standard there someone is
going to lose. Theres not going to be that equal ground, that equal footing that you have with
each other. And thats critically important to make sure youre coming to the table as a team,
as a partnership.
See, women sometimes will play the weaker sex card there and feel as if they can get away
with what a man cannot. In other words, she can throw things, she can kick you, she can
beat on your chest while she is arguing with you. But of course, if you ever lift a finger to her,
she will call the cops.
And you shouldnt respond to her in violence. But see, she should be willing to agree to you
that she wont respond in a violent manner either if, for no other reason, then as a measure of
respect and deference to the fact that youre not going to respond to her in violence either.
You see that?
Raising your voice with each other is another issue that youre going to want to discuss up
front and make decisions on early in a relationship. Generally, the first person to lose his or
her cool in a conflict loses. Agree on principle not to raise your voice to each other. Your
doing so can physically intimidate a woman and that lowers her sense of safety with you, and
therefore, her trust. You just cant lose that.
See, you dont want her yelling at you. You dont to create a lot of noise, especially if youre in
an apartment complex, because they will call the authorities on you. Thats just a logistical
reason not to allow it to happen. But see, if youre yelling and screaming, what you may miss
is the fact that youre scaring her.
You know, she can yell and scream all she wants, and just like we talked about youre not
afraid of her getting violent at you per se. But see, in the case of her not yelling at you, its
really all about mutual respect and keeping that playing field level. Nevertheless, for her its a
very different situation. You cant violate her trust. You cant make her wonder if shes safe in
your presenceever.
So really, its a good idea to avoid talking to her like youre Samuel L. Jackson in Pulp Fiction
or something. You can, however, be direct with her. And indeed, you can decide to be direct
with each other as opposed to ever skirting around the issues or beating around the bush.
You can speak confidently and with resolve, just dont yell and scream and punch holes in the
wall, right?
Now, for her part, again, reciprocity. She cant yell, scream, or break stuff. There can be no
double standard when it comes to this sort of thing. And no double standard should ever be
allowed to gain a foothold.
As soon as you see it happening--the first time you see it happening--youve got to call it out
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and say, Hey look, weve got to be equals in this partnership. And whats good for you has
got to be good for me, and vice versa. She cant get a more lenient set of guidelines just
because she is a woman, or vice versa really.
Now, lets talk about insults. You should never respond to a partner in anger by insulting her-and this goes double for any kids you may have someday, by the way.
Make a pact not to insult each other and call her out on it even if she just calls you a jerk or
something rather casually or seemingly even innocuously in the heat of the moment. Dont
make potentially violent threats or even joke about such, like for example, I could just kill you
right now! And dont tolerate it from her either.
Again, no double standards. Call it out when it happens.
If she says, I could kill you right now, tell her to go and get gun and do it. If shes
reasonable, shell acknowledge the error of her ways there. Sometimes, really truly, you have
to help her come face to face with the reality that a violation of what youve decided upon
earlier has happened. So dont ever insult each other, call it out when it happens.
Important here: Never attempt serious conflict resolution measures under extremely
emotionally charged circumstances. If you must, take time to simmer down. If she needs
time to simmer down, tell her youre not going to continue the conversation until that takes
place.
Youve got to be able to walk away. Youve got to be able to say, You know what? For now
honey, this conversation is over. Were going to resume this when we can behave as the kind
of human beings we agreed to behave like when were making our conflict resolution
principles up early in our relationship. I, as the man, as a leader, Im going to abide by that.
Were going to come back together when weve had time to cool off a bit and well resolve
this.
Youre woman will love you for that. She will respect you for that. And even if she doesnt
agree to it and she continues on at that moment, you have got to stand your ground and
youve got to not respond to her. And youve got to say again, more directly, This
conversation is over for now. We will resolve it when weve had time to simmer down.
Now, It has been said, Dont let the sun go down on your anger. And thats kind of
something Im sure a lot of you guys are thinking of right now while were talking about, a man
and a woman in a relationship being angry with each other. Well, this sounds well and good
and for sure, who wants to be angry with the woman in his life for days on end?
But if its 5 p.m. and you cannot collect yourself in the next couple of hours nor can she, take
the time you need to return to a reasonable state. Dont be owned by the phrase, Dont the
let the sun go down on your anger. You see that? Its a great thing to be able to be a man
who can flip a switch here, but I fully recognize thats just not in everyones personality type.
If you need to get some sleep, wake up the next morning and resolve it. Thats okay.
Similarly, dont pressure her for resolution when she is emotionally charged. Youre only
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going to be asking for a negative outcome. Sleep on it, simmer it down, wake up the next
morning and handle it. Ultimately, you must take every precaution as a mature man to avoid
any situation where either you or her will say something you regret later.
The emotions can be very negative when this conflict is going on and the associated words
may start flowing freely. You may feel like kicking her out or even that you dont really love
her anymore in that moment, but you must never utter such sentiments. When you calm
down, I promise you, youll feel differently.
Now, she may say things she regrets. In those situations, you must be man enough to see
the forest for the trees here. Emotionally charged women say preposterous things. You may
choose to ignore it and overlook the apparent meaning vis--vis her long-standing track
record that speaks differently. Or if this sort of thing becomes an ongoing problem in conflict,
youre going to have to call her out on it.
Now, fair warning: What Im about to share may seem really harsh, but its going to be your
best bet with regards to ending what could become a double standard very quickly. And thats
this: Call her out on her preposterous statements and hold her to them.
For example, if she says to you something like, Give me what I want or Im moving out. Ask
her, Do you really mean that? Think carefully before you answer.
Say this to her in a very calm, but resolute tone. If she keeps on the trail, tell her, Well, then,
why are you still standing her talking about it? Get out. Do it calmly, but like I said make
sure she knows youre serious. There can be no room for her to say what she doesnt mean
in a relationship where the two of you are supposed to be equal partners.
I fully realize this can represent a really dicey situation for you. And the stakes can indeed get
really high, making you want to back down and capitulate because its going to feel safer in
the moment for you to do that. But you just cant do it.
Youve got to be a man who leads. Youve got to be the man who is willing to do what it takes
to get to the bottom of the conflict and hopefully resolve it. For example, if you and a woman
have a kid togetherif she is an unreasonable woman and she knows that you love your son
or daughter very much, she may threaten divorce at the drop of a hat whenever she doesnt
get her way.
Anytime theres a conflict that comes up, she may say, Well you know what? I want a
divorce. She may even say shell take your son or daughter with her. Im going to take our
son or daughter and Im going to move back home to my mothers house five hours, seven
hours away if I dont get my way!
Well, I can tell you if you kowtow to that threat and cave in, especially on a predictable
ongoing basis anytime she threatens you as such, she is going to lose respect for you. And
she might possibly leave anyway even after youve caved in to hereven after youve given
her her way.
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But, were you rather to stand up and tell her that what she is saying is downright
unacceptable and that if she is going to talk like that she better be ready to back it up right
now, you assert your strength in a nonviolent way and disarm the emotional power or her
words right then and there.
You see how that works? By engaging the conflict rather than avoiding it, she is more likely to
immediately recognize the consequences of her words and actions and think twice about
speaking so glibly about potentially taking such rash, extreme measures next time.
Now, she may be unreasonable in that moment. She may get into this strange, unfortunate
habit of talking like that because she is getting away with it overtime. But assuming youre
dealing with a woman who at her core is reasonable, you should be able to nip this sort of
thing in the bud if it starts happening in your relationship. But you must be on the lookout for
this and you must not let a woman be able to come up with these footholds that she can use
over and over again whenever a conflict arises.
By the way, Id coach a woman to tell you the same thing were you as a man to throw idle
threats around in a similar manner when conflict arises. So this is not something thats
gender specific.
The example I just gave actually falls under the heading of emotional manipulation in general,
doesnt it? Another obvious example here is when a woman cries. We, as men, feel terrible
when this happens, of course, as weve talked about elsewhere in The Leading Man. So
decide together up front that any manner of emotional manipulation in your relationship will
never be a factor. She may cry if she must, but serve notice and decide together that it will
not influence rational decision making when conflict needs to be resolved.
What about general manipulation? To paraphrase a quote from the twentieth century
philosopher Joseph Campbell, when you consider someone a bad person, its usually
because he or she wont give you what you want or do for you what you want done. Well, as
such, there are a lot of flat out manipulators thinking everyone else is to blame and that
everyone else is morally bereft. Either give me what I want or, etc. should not ever be
tolerated. Decide this up front. This is an immature way of dealing with conflict and you just
cant tolerate it.
Women often use sex as a bargaining chip in a relationship, right? If you dont give me what
I want, well then you know youre just not gonna get any. Take it off the table by recognizing
it for what it is and not allowing your lack of discipline to get the best of you.
After all, where sexually is concerned, yours is no cheaper than hers. Let me repeat that:
Your sexuality is no cheaper than a womans.
As weve talked about before in The Leading Man, its not like her sexuality is a prize, and you
get someand that she is the one giving it up to you. Equally, your sexuality should be
valuable to one or another. For her to deny you is to deny herself. Call her it out on that also
if necessary.
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So with that, there you have some ways that you can anticipate potential conflict thats going
to come up later on in your relationship that you can sit down as a couple and talk about up
front so that when they come up later, everybody is prepared to handle conflict resolution in a
very civil and indeed moral manner.
At this point, I think it would be useful to talk about some of the potential flash points that
come out of nowhere in terms of creating conflict in a relationship.
The first one, of course, is money. Financial issues are often cited as the number one reason
why breakups and divorce happen. And I believe this is valid because when theres not
enough money in the household, when the budget cant be met, then theres going to be
some frustration.
And this is natural to feel for obvious reasons, but when theres not enough money to go
around, the first thing that you need to remember is that its not you or her thats the problem.
This is the frustration of a high-stress situation thats affecting both of you, probably equally.
You inherently dont get what you want when there isnt enough money.
If she spends too much, youve got to demonstrate objectively how the budget works for her
and vice versa. This is especially true if youre the one in the household who earns and
administrates the finances. If she is unreasonable there, then youve got serious decisions to
make. Hopefully, you dont have to resort to cutting up her credit cards or writing her out of
the bank account.
Before this sounds sexist, you know she should do the same to you if the shoe is on the other
foot. You cannot let your familys financial status go down in flames. Youve got to handle it.
If someone is overspending when there is not enough money, thats got to change.
Remember what we said elsewhere in The Leading Man: You set the precedent here when
youre dating. If you buy a bunch of expensive stuff for her early on, shes going to carry that
expectation throughout the relationship. So whenever there are financial issues, make sure
that youre both living by a budget, that youre both living by the same financial rules, that
youre both exercising the same financial restraints and--this is very important--that both of
you understand your responsibilities for contributing to the finances in the relationship.
If you both have a job, then youre both contributing money to the relationship. If shes, say, a
stay-at-home mom and you are the breadwinner, then shes got to understand the limits of the
finances that youre bringing into the house. And shes got to understand that shes got to
keep on doing her part in terms of taking care of household, children, etc., to keep things
running and just really to keep a measure of respect going on.
Its not fair for her to start complaining about finances when youre the one whos the
breadwinner and youre doing the best that you can. Youve got to live under a budget.
Youve got to decide ahead of time in the relationship, preferably, how youre going to handle
financial conflicts and youre going to have to live by that.
Another potential flashpoint, of course, is sex. Again, you are the prize and she is the prize.
There cannot be a differentiation between whose sexuality is more valuable than the other
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partners. Youve got to set boundaries of what is okay and whats not okay early, and respect
those boundaries. If she says she doesnt like things a certain way when it comes to sex up
front in the relationship, dont expect her to change later.
Decide whether or not you agree and/or can live with the things as agreed upon, or rather if
youre dealing with the wrong woman. And you know a lot of guys decide early on, Okay,
well you know what? Shes not going to be quite as kinky in the bedroom as Id like her to be,
but I like her for all these other reasons. So maybe I can cajole her into being a little more
open minded later on. Never assume that.
What the two of you decide in terms of the limits and boundaries of your sexual relationship
early on should always be understood by you and by her to be the way its always going to
be. Otherwise, youre just setting yourself up for conflict later.
Now, lets talk about friends. Decide mutually that you will not let friends dictate how your
relationship goes. Realize that you and she will bring respective friends into the mix and that
theyll likely take sides or express opinions without your asking.
Some of your friends or hers may even prove jealous of your relationship and may try to
sabotage it some way, even subconsciously. Do not ever accept third party info or believe
third party assessments of situations that belong exclusively to you and your partner. Always
think the best of the woman in your life, and she should always consider the best from you
first.
If you start letting friends drive a wedge between the two of you If you start taking the
rumors or innuendos that may come up at cocktail party seriously, then youre headed down
the road of not trusting each other because youve allowed the friends--either yours or hers-that you brought into the relationship to start driving a wedge, and thats unacceptable. You
should think the best of each other at all times.
Im going to give an example from my own life. As you know, Emily and I are still on
Match.com. We have profiles on Match.com because its necessary for us to go and help
those of you who come to us with your online dating profile issues to have better profiles.
Weve got to be able to get in to Match.com and weve got to be able to look at your profile.
So in order to do that, we have profiles of our own. Both Emily and I maintain profiles on
Match.com that are fine tuned versions of what we had when were actually dating so we can
show people examples from time to time.
Well, I actually had my profile live for about eight minutes one Tuesday afternoon showing a
gentleman from New York City what Id writtento give him some insight into how to do his
own profile because we were working on his Match.com presence.
Believe it or not, a woman that I had been dating, whom I broke up with shortly after meeting
Emilyand pretty much because of Emily, saw my profile online. She told a friend of hers,
who also happens to be friends with Emily, that I was on Match.com and was I single again,
and asked what the deal was. And guess what? It got back to Emily. And Emily could have
come to me and gone, What are you doing on Match.com?, right?
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But because we both talked about having our profile online on Match.com, because we both
know why the other person is on Match.com--what the purpose is behind that--it was never an
issue. She immediately thought the best of me and while we both recognized that its
extremely flukish that this particular woman saw me online that day, the trust was there.
There was never an issue. And believe me, there was nothing there for Emily to be worried
about.
So what I did was I wrote an email to that woman I had broken up with and I explained to her
exactly what the situation was. And that settled it. And Emily went and talked to her friend
and cleared everything up on that side. But the important thing here is both Emily and I
cleared up this mess and everybody was left fully understanding that I am not a cheater, and-importantly--that the door was not opened for this other woman elsewhere at all.
A lot of people would say, Well you know what? Its not their darn business. Just go on your
merry way. But I think establishing your character and making sure your friends know that if
theyre potentially trying to cause trouble or turmoil in your relationships that thats
unacceptable, and its not going to work I think when you serve notice to your friends that
thats the way its going be, you ameliorate that situation right there on the spot. And people
recognize, Hey look, you know what? These are two people who trust each other. These
are two people who know how to resolve conflict when it comes up. And its just useless to try
to drive a wedge in between them.
Now, what I just talked about goes double for family members. Remember the statement that
if you marry her, you marry her family is very, very real. Decide together that you will not let
family members directly influence your relationship.
One of the things that women cite as an absolute deal breaker is dealing with mamas boys,
guys. If youre consulting your mom regarding every relationship decision, you are not The
Leading Man. You are a mamas boy.
Dont let the mother-in-law influence you either. At the first sign that this is happening, youve
just got to deal with it, guys.
Now, you are the man and you are the leader, but if youre talking about a mother-in-law, ask
your partner to take care of this first. If she doesnt, tell her you will, and call the mother-inlaw yourself and rationally state your case--talking about the negative effects her actions are
having on your relationship.
Remember, above all, you can usually see this sort of thing coming if you have your eyes
open. Remember to deal with even the situations with friends and family when theyre still
small situations. It doesnt go just for the conflicts you have with your spouse or your
girlfriend or your partner. It goes for anyone who is creating conflict in the context of your
relationship. You see that?
Now, if you have family members on your side who are causing her grief, youve got to take
that seriously even if you dont think its really affecting you all that much, because thats
going to really frustrate her. Its going to create some bitterness there. Youve got to take it
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seriously when she says theres a conflict between her and one of your family members.
Same thing--youve just got to deal with it.
And, lets talk about complacency. Its almost natural for either or both of you to slack off in an
area or two once youve reached a certain comfort level in your relationship, isnt it? This can
become a major, major hot button. Its like playing with fire to go ahead and become
complacent like this. Keep in mind that the two of you were attracted and perhaps even fell in
love, if you are at that stage, for a very real reason.
Neither of you can let yourselves go physically. A lot of times we talk about the woman getting
a little fat, eating too many bon-bons after she is nice and comfy in the context of a long-term
relationship. But you cant do it either and you cant let your hygiene slack off. You cant stop
taking showers. You cant stop clipping your fingernails. You and she both have got to
maintain yourselves as closely as possible to the manner in what you did when you first met
each other.
Now, I fully realize that this becomes more of a challenge as days turn into months, months
turn into years, and years turn into decades. But youve got to make the effort. Youve got to
do so out of respect for each other.
Speaking of respect for each other, you cant be rude or less courteous. You cant neglect
your part in taking care of general household tasks, or take each others good nature for
granted by just assuming, for example, that you can be cranky or in a bad mood today and
that your partner is just going to have to deal with itbecause thats the way it is for now.
Thats all being complacent. Thats all presuming something thats unfair on your partner.
You see that?
Almost every relationship will experience some measure of this factor. And as I mentioned
earlier in this program, you must perform regular maintenance on grievances of this nature on
either side or will become a massive flashpoint later.
Now, one of the main causes for conflict, and a particularly unfortunate one, is when one
partner thinks the other might be cheating. Obviously, theres a lot of emotion and potential
anger and jealousy, etc., that goes along with thislots of negative emotion swirling around.
So if you for a second suspected that she is cheating, heres what you do.
I think you sit her down and ask her if there is something she feels she needs to tell you. If
she doesnt confess anything to you, then you lay out the evidence that you have that she is
cheating starting with the most minor pieces, and give her a chance to comment on each one.
Obviously, what were talking about here is a situation where youve got some evidence to
back up that she is cheating.
You cant go around unreasonably presuming, out of pure jealousy, that your woman must be
cheating on you. You know, thats the point where you have the problem. And of course, if
she is doing the same to you, she is being unreasonable and she has the problembut we
will get to her in a second.
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Now, after she has had a chance to comment on the minor pieces of evidence you have if you
think she is cheating on you, either shell come clean or youre going to find out you are
overreacting. Orshell start digging herself into a deeper and deeper hole the more
evidence you put on the table. No matter what, if you follow the steps that Im talking about
here, youre going to end up with a very clear idea not only of the binary issue of whether she
is cheating or not, but also whether she was feeling guilty about it or steadfast in her ability to
lie about it to the end.
I know it sounds kind of harsh and kind of stone cold, but thats how you get her to tell you
whats going on. Emotionally laden accusations, raising your voice--any other negative thing
weve talked about thus far--thats only going to cause her to deny that she is cheating on you.
You see? Youve got to be more inductive in that. If you give her a reason to feel like she is
justified in sticking it to you a little, she is going to be more likely not to come clean with the
truth. But if youre rational--if you handle this as a guy who wants to find the facts--you are
more likely to get to the bottom of whats going on.
Now, what if she thinks youre cheating? Again, always deal in facts rather than emotions.
Evaluate whether she is being unreasonable. Is she is just acting on pure jealousy, or are
there some real bits of evidence she is bringing forth that youre going to have to deal with? If
she is being unreasonable, weve already talked about dealing with unreasonable people,
right? You cant.
But what if she does come up with some serious evidence that may have given her actual,
rational pause in thinking that you were cheating on her?
Well, what youre going to have to do is youre going to have to remain calm and youre going
to have to address every single bit of evidence. Youre going to give her the information thats
necessary to acquit yourself if she has got a good solid point. And you know what? If you
were cheating, then youre going to have to come clean with it because the more you dig
yourself in a hole, the more youre setting yourself up for the ultimate failure of that
relationship.
Now, if either you or her was cheating, you do have a serious conflict to resolve, dont you?
The best thing to have done, of course, at the beginning of the relationship is to decide what
cheating means to you. Does this mean not going off one-on-one with members of the
opposite sex who are friends? Is this limited to not kissing other people? Is this limited to
not having sex with other people?
For every couple, their respective view of what constitutes cheating may look very different
than it does for another couple. So by deciding up front what cheating really means, then you
have a better opportunity from the very outset of your relationship to go ahead and not cheat
on each other. Do you see that?
But when a violation of that trust has happened When the rules, when the guidelines have
been set up ahead of time and then there was a breach, whats going to happen every single
time is trust is going to be swept away. If you cheat on her, you cant expect her to trust you
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anymore. And if she cheats on you, you may never trust her anymore.
Its my belief that its very, very hard to survive a hardcore cheating incident between two
people. But if you choose to resolve that conflict in a manner that says, Hey, you know
what? Were going to give this another shot. From now on, were going to be faithful to each
other. the first thing you cant think of in that situation is, Okay, then I get a shot to cheat on
her someday and shes going to forgive me. if she is the one who cheated on you. And she
cant feel that way about you if the shoe is on the other foot.
You have got to resume that relationship assuming fidelity and assuming that youre going to
trust each other. And youre going to have to agree that even though you cant forget what
happened necessarily, you will forgive it. She has got to agree that she is going to forgive it.
You cant go along in your relationship if you choose to stay together after a breach of trust
like this and say, Okay, well you know what? Im going to shove it in her face every time
something bad happens. Every time there is a conflict, Im going to remind her that she is the
cheater and that she owes me one, right? And she cant do that to you if you were the one
who violated her trust.
If you decide youre not going to break up and you decide youre going to stay together after a
cheating incident, the only way to resolve that conflict potentially is to genuinely move forward
in a position of trusting each other and not bring up the incident again in terms of using it as a
weapon against each other.
And again, I dont know if its going to work because once the cheating happens, that trust is
really, really hard to get back. And its really hard to make that relationship look and feel as it
did before the cheating incident happens.
So guys (and gals), the best way to make sure that you dont have to deal with the conflicts
that arise from cheating is just not to cheat. And if youre going to want sexual variety--if
youre going to want to go beyond the confines of the guidelines of the relationship that youve
created for one another--then dont enter into that committed relationship. Thats really the
bottom line, isnt it?
Now, another thing that comes up from time to time is ultimatums in a relationship. Right now,
right here Im going to teach you how to handle those ultimatums when they come up.
Remember always the one leveling the ultimatum is the one who is feeling powerless. For
example, if a woman says to you, Either you stop drinking or Im leaving, what shes doing is
shes issuing a desperate plea to get you to stop drinking. Now, it may feel like the person is
actually pulling a power play on you, but like I just said, the opposite is true.
Usually, an ultimatum is a last ditch, last chance move of desperation. Let an ultimatum be a
wake up call to you and take it very, very seriously. Either youll be willing to compromise or
youre going to lose her if she is issuing ultimatums. Youve got to take them seriously, and
you know what guys? Now that Ive told you whats going on when theres an ultimatum in
play, you now know that this is something that you should keep in reserve only for the most
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dire of situations.
If you start leveling an ultimatum on the woman youre with, youve got to be prepared to have
her call the shots. Shes going to say, Okay, Ill do what you want, and therefore the
relationship is going to remain intact, or, You know what? Pound sand. Go take your
ultimatum and shove it. at which point youre going to be forced to either back down and
have her lose respect for you, or youre going to have to do what you said youre going to do.
So, the ultimatum is something thats kind of used like that fire extinguisher behind glass that
says, break glass in the event of an emergency. You really shouldnt get into the habit of
just dropping an ultimatum on a woman here and there just for the heck of it. Essentially, the
ultimatum card is something that you should hold in very close reserve, guysonly in the
most dire of circumstances.
Your woman has got to have gone off the deep end and shes got to be showing you
absolutely no desire to compromise or come to the table in terms of resolving whatever the
conflict is. Because when you are issuing an ultimatum, like weve said, youre out of control.
And as a guy who considers himself to be The Leading Man in a relationship, you should
hope to never get into that circumstance.
Now, weve mentioned this word compromise a couple of times. Whenever there is a
conflict, sometimes you may not get your way or she may not get her way, but hopefully you
can come to some established agreement between the two of you where theres some give
and some take on either side.
Why dont we consult the dictionary and find the actual definition of the word compromise?
That might be helpful here. Now, where Im reading from is the dictionary.com definition of
compromise.
One, A settlement of differences by mutual concessions, an agreement reached by
adjustment of conflicting or opposing claims, principles, etc., by reciprocal modification of
demandsand thats a mouthful.
Two, The result of a compromised settlement.
Three, Something intermediate between different things. The split-level is a compromise
between a ranch house and multi-storied house. is the example they give.
Four, An endangering; especially of reputation, exposure to dangers, suspicion, etc. A
compromise of ones integrity.
Five, To settle by a compromise.
Six, To expose or make vulnerable to danger, suspicion, scandal, etc.; to jeopardize; for
example, a military oversight that compromised the nations defenses.
Now, all of that said, having read that definition you certainly dont, as a couple, ever want to
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put each other into compromising positions per the latter definitions I just gave. But you do
settle grievances by mutual concessions--mutual being the key word. Giving a woman what
she wants or else shell scream is not a compromise. Weigh the benefits in line with the
importance to each respective person.
For example, youll take her to that horrific concert with Michael Buble or something, but next
week youre going to be playing 27 holes of golf with your friends on Saturday.
Or maybe she usually cooks dinner for you every night, but tonight she calls you and tells you
that she is absolutely worn out and she is not going to do it. Perhaps youre on a tight budget.
You tell her to meet you at a moderate restaurant of your choice that happens to be on the
way home from work since youre hungry, and you suggest to her how youll make up the $20
as necessary to eat there by limiting something else in the budget. Thats a compromise.
This is how you wear the pants without losing your shirt, guys. Prime example. Compromise
is always going to be necessary in a relationship when dealing with conflict, but its also
always going to be up to you, guys, as the leader to come up with the compromise thats
going to potentially work between you and her.
You should be the guy who puts it on the table first. View yourself as the chief negotiator in
these situations. If you have her best interests at heart all the time and she is a reasonable
woman, then I can all but guarantee you that when you need to make a compromise when
theres a conflict that needs to be resolved, its always going to go well. Your relationship will
always be better off for it.
Now, heres a situation thats sticky for a lot of guys. Were going to talk about apologies.
First of all guys, dont kid yourself. Apologies are not a sign of weakness.
Being sorry, however, is a sign of weakness. Dont be sorry, but rather apologize when
youve done wrong. Sorry is a feeling of loss or regret, like youre at fault and emotionally
hurt by it. Accounted for in the very definition of sorry is inadequacy. For example, thats a
sorry excuse for a football team, right? I think you know what Im talking about.
Now, contrast this with an apology. An apology is a decision to acknowledge wrong and to
make it right. Whereas being sorry is passive, an apology is active. Its leadership.
Lets talk about the difference here in more detail because I think this is crucial to understand.
Doing so could forever cement this concept in your mind and take away the confusion and
doubt as to when and why to act accordingly.
Being sorry when you didnt do anything wrong is weakness. For example, Im sorry, do you
know what time it is? If youre simply asking someone to tell you what time it is, why would
you be sorry about asking them that?
Heres a homework assignment. Take note the next time you go out of how often people say
Im sorry when they havent wronged anymore.
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This is especially evident in the service industries. I dont know how many times Ill be at a
restaurant and the waitress will come up and say, Im sorry, is there anything else you need?
And it sounds as if people do this kind of like by default. In other words, instead of saying,
Excuse me, is there anything else you need? she says, Im sorry, is there anything else you
need?
Well, at times, Ill call out a waitress on that and I say, Why are you sorry? You havent done
anything wrong. And shell be dumbfounded by it. Shell almost go, WowI dont know.
But see, people have got this issue where they have a low enough self-esteem that they
preface every action in their lives as if theyre going to need to be sorry about it--as if theyre
imposing upon to somebody. Thats weakness. Its almost as if people believe theres going
to naturally be conflict as a result of any action that they do. Anything that they have
autonomy over--any decision they make--is going to be met with disagreement.
Now, Ive even seen people say theyre sorry for confronting people whove actually wronged
them. For example, one time we had some work done on the trees on our property here at
our home, and the gentleman who did the tree work for us had put a sign out front in our yard
that advertised his services. And you know, this was one of those signs that was rather small
and seemed to me rather insignificant. So three or four days after he had finished his work, I
went out front, I took the sign and I proceeded to throw it in the garbage.
Well, a couple more days passed and the gentleman knocked on our door and said, Hey, Im
here to pick up that sign that I put out front. And I said, Wow, you know what? I threw it
away. And he goes, Well, Im sorry, and he turns around and leaves.
Emily had not known that I threw the sign away and she goes, Man, I saw that sign up front,
and do you know how much it costs to get those signs done? I said, Well, I have no idea. It
just looked like a small and insignificant sign. She goes, No, those things go for about $40
each, so Im sure that he is pretty sorry he didnt get to pick up his sign. So why would he
say to me he is sorry when Im the one who was in the wrong? Thats a great example.
To cite a more extreme example, Ive even seen people say Im sorry to inanimate objects. I
saw someone kick something on the floor the other day and he looked down and said, Oh,
Im sorry. Well, yeah, that is pretty sorry.
But lets now consider the other side of the coin. Ironically, the desire to be right even when
wrong is actually an overcompensation on one hand as well as being an insulation on the
other against being sorry.
So, on one hand, like I said, there is this person who is saying Im sorry all the time, but on
the other side of the coin, heres a person who never says he or she is sorry. They want to be
right even when wrong because its an ego issue.
But you know what happens in that case? It backfires. It comes off as weakness just like
saying Im sorry all the time, comes off as weakness. Whether you never apologize or
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whether you say, Im sorry all the time, both are weak. In short, everybody messes up.
When you acknowledge that youve made a mistake and then you go and proceed to make it
right, you are a real man. Youre exercising your prerogative to act in a strong, dignified
manner to take a wrong that you are personally responsible for bringing about, and also
taking responsibility for correcting it.
Anything short of that is not leadership. And anything short of that is not how to resolve a
conflict with a woman in your life where you know youve done wrong and you know you need
to make it right.
By the way, if you stonewall in situations like this, expect her too. If youre sorry all the time,
expect her to steamroll youbecause in either situation, that will be where youve led.
So, with that, weve come to the end of this audio program on Conflict Resolution.
Weve talked about all the different ways you can prepare with 20/20 foresight for potential
conflicts that will come up in a relationship between a man and a woman. Weve talked about
the different flash points that tend to come up in those conflicts. Weve talked about how to
handle potential cheating situations, whether its you who thinks she is cheating or vice versa.
Weve talked about ultimatums, compromise, and even apologies.
If you have any questions or comments, feel free to
scot@deservewhatyouwant.com and Ill be glad to respond to your emails.

email

me

at

This is Scot McKay from X & Y Communications. Youre listening to The Leading Man
Relationship Management System. Until I talk to you again guys, be good.

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