A recent study found the average golfer walks about 900 miles a year.

Another st
udy found golfers drink, on average, 22 gallons of alcohol a year. That means, o
n average, golfers get about 41 miles to the gallon.
"The reason the pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can t see him laugh
ing." ~ Phyllis Diller
"The older you get, the easier it is to shoot your age." ~ Jerry Barber
"I had a wonderful experience on the golf course today. I had a hole in nothing.
Missed the ball and sank the divot." ~ Don Adams
"I ve had a good day when I don t fall out of the cart." ~ Buddy Hackett
"For me, the worst part of playing golf, by far, has always been hitting the bal
l." ~ Dave Barry
"If I had cleared the trees and drove the green, it would ve been a great shot." ~
Sam Snead
"To golf or not to golf: What a stupid question!" ~ Anonymous
"My most consistent and reliable shot is always a double at the 19th." ~ Anonymo
us
"I hold several records on the golf course, but they all pertain to beer." ~ Ano
nymous
"Golf is an unusual game. When you have a good day, you can t wait to get back out
there,<br />and when you have a bad day, you can t wait to get back out there." ~
Anonymous
"The size of the divot is directly proportional to the frustration felt." ~ Anon
ymous
"I now consistently hit the fairways by aiming for the trees on both sides of th
e fairway." ~ Anonymous
"I'm a scratch player - every time I hit the ball I scratch my head and wonder w
here it went." ~ Anonymous
"If your opponent has trouble remembering whether he shot a six or a seven, it m
eans he probably shot an eight." ~ Anonymous
"The game of golf is 90-percent mental and 10-percent mental." ~ Anonymous
"Last week I missed a spectacular hole-in-one by only six strokes." ~ Anonymous
"I'll shoot my age if I have to live to be 105." ~ Bob Hope
"The other day I broke 70. That's a lot of clubs." ~ Henry Youngman
"Golf's three ugliest words: 'still your shot.'" ~ Dave Marr
"Real golfers, no matter what the provocation, never strike a caddie<br />with t
heir driver. The sand wedge is far more effective." ~ Huxtable Pippey
"I was lying ten and had a thirty-five foot putt. I whispered over my shoulder:<
br />'How does this one break?' And my caddie said, 'Who cares?'" ~ Jack Lemmon

"When he gets the ball into a tough place, that's when he's most relaxed.<br />I
think it's because he has so much experience at it." ~ Don Christopher (Lack Le
mmon's Caddie)
"Someone once told me that there is more to life than golf. I think it was my ex
-wife." ~ Bruce Lansky
"My golf is improving. Yesterday I hit the ball in one!" ~ Jane Swan
"I don't exaggerate - I just remember big." ~ Chi Chi Rodriguez
"I don't fear death, but I sure don't like those three-footers for par." ~ Chi C
hi Rodriguez
"You can talk to a fade but a hook won't listen." ~ Lee Trevino
"100 years of experience had demonstrated that golf is temporary insanity practi
ced in a pasture." ~ Dave Kindred
"Give me fresh air, a beautiful partner and a nice round of golf... and you can
keep the fresh air and the round of golf." ~ Jack Benny
"'Play it as it lies' is one of the fundamental dictates of golf. The other is '
Wear it if it clashes'." ~ Henry Beard
"My golf game's gone off so much that when I went fishing a couple of weeks ago
my first cast missed the lake." ~ Ben Crenshaw
"May thy ball lie in green pastures, and not in still waters." ~ Ben Hogan
(When asked how the putt breaks) "It breaks towards the center of the earth when
it is above the hole." ~ Brian Weis
"Why am I using a new putter? Because the old one didn't float too well." ~ Crai
g Stadler
"If there's a golf course in heaven, I hope it's like Augusta national. I just d
on't want an early tee time." ~ Gary Player
"Golf is a lot of walking, broken up by disappointment and bad arithmetic." ~ Au
thor Unknown
(When asked about the tempers of modern players) "They throw their clubs backwar
ds, and that s wrong. <br />You should always throw a club ahead of you so that yo
u don t have to walk any extra distance to get it." ~ Tommy Bolt
"Columbus went around the world in 1492. That isn t a lot of strokes when you cons
ider the course." ~ Lee Trevino
"My handicap? Woods and irons." ~ Chris Codiroli
"Actually, the only time I ever took out a one-iron was to kill a tarantula. And
it took a seven to do that." ~ Jim Murray
"If you re caught on a golf course during a storm and are afraid of lightning, hol
d up a 1-iron. Not even God can hit a 1-iron." ~ Lee Trevino
"It is more satisfying to be a bad player at golf.<br />The worse you play, the
better you remember the occasional good shot." ~ Nubar Gulbenkian

"I would like to deny all allegations by Bob Hope that during my last game of go
lf I hit an eagle, a birdie, an elk and a moose." ~ Gerald Ford
"Art said he wanted to get more distance. I told him to hit it and run backward.
" ~ Ken Venturi, on Art Rosenbaum
"Reverse every natural instinct and do the opposite of what you are inclined to
do,<br />and you will probably come very close to having a perfect golf swing."
~ Ben Hogan
"I play in the low 80s. If it s any hotter than that, I won t play." ~ Joe E.Lewis
"All I ve got against [golf] is that it takes you so far from the clubhouse." ~ Er
ic Linklater, 1929
"It s good sportsmanship not to pick up lost balls while they are still rolling."
~ Mark Twain
"Golf is testing your skill against your opponent's luck." ~ Author Unknown
"He who has the fastest cart never has a bad lie." ~ Author Unknown
"GOLF: An endless series of tragedies obscured by the occasional miracle." ~ Aut
hor Unknown
CGB - "Although golf was originally restricted to wealthy, overweight Protestant
s,<br />today it's open to anybody who owns hideous clothing." ~ Dave Barry
"Golf is a fascinating game. It's taken me nearly forty years to discover that I
can't play it." ~ Ted Ray
"How has my retirement affected my golf game? A lot more people beat me now." ~
Dwight David Eisenhower
"I'd like to see the fairways more narrow. Then everyone would have to play from
the rough, not just me." ~ Seve Ballesteros
"Whoever said 'Practice makes perfect' obviously never played golf." ~ Anonymous
"Golf is horrifying, humiliating, humbling, and I can t wait to do it again." ~ An
onymous
"Golf has produced a lot of millionaires most of them are former billionaires." ~
Anonymous
"My golf score seems to improve considerably when I have the score card." ~ Anon
ymous
"I know I m getting better at golf because I m hitting fewer spectators." ~ Gerald F
ord
"The uglier a man s legs are, the better he plays golf
ells

it s almost a law." ~ H. G. W

"I m not saying my golf game went bad, but if I grew tomatoes, they d come up sliced
." ~ Lee Trevino
"We learn so many things from golf how to suffer, for instance." ~ Bruce Lansky***
The only sure rule in golf is he who has the fastest cart never has to play the b

ad lie.

~ Mickey Mantle

"Golf is so popular simply because it is the best game in the world at which to
be bad." ~ A.A. Milne
"In baseball you hit your home run over the right-field fence, the left-field fe
nce, the center-field fence.<br />Nobody cares. In golf everything has got to be
right over second base." ~ Ken Harrelson
"If I can hit a curveball, why can't I hit a ball that is standing still on a co
urse?" ~ Larry Nelson
"Through years of experience I have found that air offers less resistance than d
irt." ~ Jack Nicklaus, why he tees his ball high
"A 'gimme' can best be defined as an agreement between two golfers, neither of w
hom can putt very well." ~ Author Unknown
"That S.O.B was able to hole a putt over 60 feet of peanut brittle." ~ Lloyd Man
grum, about Bobby Locke
"I never pray to God to make a putt. I pray to God to help me react good if I mi
ss a putt." ~ Chi Chi Rodriguez
"Find a man with both feet firmly on the ground and you've found a man about to
make a difficult putt." ~ Fletcher Knebel
"Golf's a hard game to figure. One day you'll go out and slice it and shank it,
hit into all the traps and miss every green. The next day you go out and, for no
reason at all, you really stink." ~ Bob Hope
My golf game is so bad I had to have my ball retriever regripped. ~ Anonymous
The difference between "put" and "putt" - "P-U-T" means to place a thing where y
ou want it. "P-U-T-T" means a vain attempt to do the same thing. ~ Anonymous
"The people who gave us golf and called it a game are the same people who gave u
s bag pipes and called it music" ~ Anonymous
"Professional golf is the only sport where, if you win 20% of the time, youre th
e best." ~ Jack Nicklaus
"Duffers who consistantly shank their balls are urged to buy and study 'Shanks No Thanks' by R. K. Hoffman or, in extreme cases, M. S. Howard's excellent 'Ten
nis for Beginners'." ~ Henry Beard
"Half of golf is fun; the other half is putting." ~ Peter Dobereiner
"I went to play golf and tried to shoot my age, but I shot my weight instead." ~
Bob Hope
"Golf is like a love affair. If you don't take it seriously, it's no fun; if you
do take it seriously, it breaks your heart." ~ Arthur Daley
"I'm hitting the woods just great, but I'm having a terrible time getting out of
them." ~ Harry Toscano
"A golf ball is like a clock. Always hit it at 6 o'clock and make it go toward 1
2 o'clock. But make sure you're in the same time zone." ~ Chi Chi Rodriguez

"Golf is an awkward set of bodily contortions designed to produce a graceful res

ult." ~ Tommy Armour
"Who watches golf on TV? Who calls eight friends over and gets a keg of beer? La
ndscapers, I guess. They sit around the TV, yelling, "Will you look at that golf
path? Pure pea gravel." ~ Jeff Cesario
"If I'm on the course and lightning starts, I get inside fast. If God wants to p
lay through, let him." ~ Bob Hope
"Go play golf. Go to the golf course. Hit the ball. Find the ball. Repeat until
the ball is in the hole. Have fun. The end." ~ Chuck Hogan
"Yes, I am tall and no, I don't play basketball. Do you play mini golf?" ~ Anony
mous
"I have a tip that can take five strokes off anyone's golf game: it's called an
eraser." ~ Arnold Palmer
"Golf is life. If you can't take golf, you can't take life." ~ Author Unknown
"The trouble that most of us find with the modern matched sets of clubs is that
they don't really seem to know any more about the game than the old ones did." ~
Robert Browning, <i>A History of Golf</i>
"The best wood in most amateurs' bags is the pencil." ~ Author Unknown
"No man has mastered golf until he realizes that his good shots are accidents an
d his bad shots are good exercise." ~ Eugene R. Black

WEIRD FACTS ABOUT GOLF:

Golf was invented in Scotland over 500 years ago, but the Chinese claim a simila
r game as far back as 943 AD
In a three-day span on a course in Wales, a mother, father and son each made a h
ole-in one; the odds of this feat are at least 10,000,000 to one
The Toonik Tyme Festival in Nunavut features a nine-hole golf tournament on sea
ice with fluorescent balls and parka-clad golfers at temperatures of 50C
Lee Trevino, one of golf s most successful and popular players, was hit by lightni
ng twice
Four-time long-drive champion Jason Zuback once drove a golf ball over 700 yards
on an airport runway
Nobby Owens traveled on the Concorde to play 18 holes of golf in London, New Yor
k and Los Angeles all in the same day
Eight of the world s oldest golf clubs owned by the Royal Troon Golf Club in Scotl
and are worth at least $5 million.