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ExactlyWhatToSayInAFirstMessageOkTrends

OkTrends:DatingResearchfromOkCupid
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ExactlyWhatToSayInAFirstMessage
September14th,2009byChristianRudder
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Ok,herestheexperiment.Weanalyzedover500,000firstcontactsonourdatingsite,OkCupid.Our
programlookedatkeywordsandphrases,howtheyaffectedreplyrates,andwhattrendswere
statisticallysignificant.Theresult:asetofrulesforwhatyoushouldandshouldntsaywhen
introducingyourself.Onlinedatingadviceatitsbest.Letsgo:
Rule1
Beliterate
Netspeak,badgrammar,andbadspellingarehugeturnoffs.Ournegativecorrelationlistisafools
lexicon:ur,u,wat,wont,andsoon.Theseallmakeaterriblefirstimpression.Infact,ifyoucounthit
(andwedo!)theworst6wordsyoucanuseinafirstmessageareallstupidslang.

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Languagelikethisissuchastrongdealbreakerthatcorrectlywrittenbutotherwiseworkadaywords
likedontandwonthavenicelyaboveaverageresponserates(36%and37%,respectively).
Interestingexceptionstothenonetspeakruleareexpressionsofamusement.haha(45%replyrate)
andlol(41%)bothturnedouttobequitegoodforthesender.Thismakesacertainsense:peoplelike
asenseofhumor,andyouneedtobecasualtoconveygenuinelaughter.hehewasalsoasuccessful
word,butmuchlessso(33%).Scientifically,thisisbecauseitsalittleevilsounding.
So,inshort,itsokaytolaugh,butkeeptherestofyourmessagegrammaticalandpunctuated.
Rule2
Avoidphysicalcompliments
Althoughthedatashowsthisadviceholdstrueforbothsexes,itsmostlydirectedatguys,because
theyarewaymorelikelytotalkaboutlooks.Youmightthinkthatwordslikegorgeous,beautiful,and
sexyarenicethingstosaytosomeone,butnoonewantstohearthem.Asweallknow,people
normallylikecompliments,butwhentheyreusedaspickuplines,beforeyouveevenmetinperson,
theyinevitablyfeelew.Besides,whenyoutellawomanshesbeautiful,chancesareyourenot.
Ontheotherhand,moregeneralcomplimentsseemtoworkwell:

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Thewordprettyisaperfectcasestudyforourpoint.Asanadjective,itsaphysicalcompliment,but
asanadverb(asin,Imprettygoodatsports.)itsisjustanotherword.

Whenusedasanadverbitactuallydoesverywell(aphenomenonwellexamineindetailbelow),but
asprettysusesbecomemoreclearlyaboutlooks,replyratesdeclinesharply.Youreprettyandyour
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prettyarephrasesthatcouldgoeitherway(physicalornon).Butveryprettyisalmostalwaysusedto
describethewaysomethingorsomeonelooks,andyoucanseehowthatworksout.
Rule3
Useanunusualgreeting
Wetookacloselookatsalutations.Afterall,thewayyouchoosetostartyourinitialmessageto
someoneisthefirstimpressionofyourfirstimpression.Theresultssurprisedus:

Thetopthreemostpopularwaystosayhellowereallactuallybadbeginnings.Eventheslangy
hollaandyoperformbetter,buckingthegeneralbeliteraterule.Infact,itssmartertouseno
traditionalsalutationatall(whichearnsyouthereplyrateof27%)andjustdiveintowhateveryou
havetosaythantostartwithhi.Imnotsurewhythisis:maybetheubiquityofthemostpopular
openingsmeanspeoplearemorelikelytojuststopreadingwhentheyseethem.
Themoreinformalstandardgreetings:howsitgoing,whatsup,andhowdyalldidverywell.Maybe
theysetamorecasualtonethatpeopleprefer,thoughIhavetosay,Youhadmeatwhatsup
doesntquitehavethesameringtoit.
Rule4
Bringupspecificinterests
Therearemanywordsontheeffectiveendofourlistlikezombie,band,tattoo,literature,studying,
vegetarian(yes!),andmetal(doubleyes!)thatareallclearlyreferencingsomethingimportanttothe
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sender,therecipient,or,ideally,both.Talkingaboutspecificthingsthatinterestyouorthatyoumight
haveincommonwithsomeoneisatimehonoredwaytomakeaconnection,andwehaveproofhere
thatitworks.Werepresentingjustasmattering:infacteverynichewordthatwehavesignificant
dataonhasapositiveeffectonmessaging.

Evenmoreeffectivearephrasesthatengagethereadersowninterests,orshowyouvereadtheir
profile:

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Rule5
Ifyoureaguy,beselfeffacing
Awkward,sorry,apologize,kinda,andprobablyallmademalemessagesmoresuccessful,yetnoneof
themexceptsorryaffectsfemalemessages.Aswementionedbefore,pretty,nodoubtbecauseofits
adverbialmeaningoftoafairdegreemoderatelyalsohelpsmalemessages.Alotofrealworld
datingadvicetellsmentobemoreconfident,butapparentlyhemmingandhawingalittleworkswell
online.

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Itcouldbethatappearingunsuremakesthewriterseemmorevulnerableandlessthreatening.Itcould
bethatwomenlikeguyswhowritemumbly.Buteitherway:menshouldbecarefulnottoletthe
appearanceofvulnerabilitybecometheappearanceofsweatydesperation:pleaseisonthenegative
list(22%replyrate),andinfactitistheonlywordthatisactuallyworseforyouthanitsnetspeak
equivalent(pls,23%)!
Rule6
Considerbecominganatheist
Mentioningyourreligionhelpsyou,but,paradoxically,ithelpsyoumostifyouhavenoreligion.We
knowthatsgoingtopissalotofpeopleoff,andweremoreorlesstongueincheekwiththisadvice,
butitswhatthenumberssay.

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Thesearethereligioustermsthatappearedastatisticallysignificantnumberoftimes.Atheistactually
showedupsurprisinglyoften(342timesper10,000messages,secondonlyto552mentionsof
christianandaheadof278forjewishand142formuslim).
Thoughveryfewpeopleactuallydoit,invokingtheskybreakingthunderboltsofzeusdoeshelpa
persongetnoticed(replyrate56%),butmaybethatshouldntbeasurpriseonasitethatisitself
namedforamemberoftheClassicalpantheon.Soifyoucantbringyourselftodenythedeity,
consideropeningyourselfuptoawholewackybunchofthem.Butideallyyoushouldjustdisbelieve
thewholething.Itcanhelpyourlovelife,and,besides,iftherereallywasagod,wouldntfirst
messagesalwaysgetareply?
AwordaboutuserprivacyonOkCupid
ThoughthisposttalksindetailaboutthecontentofpeoplesmessagesonOkCupid,allmessages
havebeenanonymized,withsenderandrecipientdataandallIPandtimestampinformationstripped
out.Inaddition,ouranalysisprogramlookedatmessagesonlytwoorthreewordsatatime,totrack
thesuccessofcertainwordsorphrases(likewhatsupvs.watsup).Theprogramthenaggregated
resultsbyphrasebeforepresentingthedata.NooneatOkCupidreadanyactualusermessagesto
compilethispost.
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Buymybook!It'sgotstats,analysis,anddatafromallover.

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Journalists,pleasewritepress@okcupid.comformoreinformation.

523ResponsestoExactlyWhatToSayInAFirstMessage
OlderComments
NewerComments
1. September18,2010at9:16am
MaeBestsays:
Iwouldalsobeinterestedinseeingaheightweightscalesummery.Itwasextremelyinteresting
tolearnthatbothmenandwomenstretchthetruthabouttheirheightequally.Iwouldbe
similarlyasfascinatedinlearningthestatisticsoffolkswhofabricatetheirowntruthabouttheir
weight.Itseemssosillytometolieabouteitherifyouareactuallyplanningtomeetsomeone.
Althoughtheexcusesonewouldmakeupaboutwhytheyare2inchesshorter,or50pounds
heaviermaysoundfunnierinmyheadthanverbalized.
2. September18,2010at5:15pm
nicksays:
ThatissobizarreaboutthereligionaspectandIhavenoticedthatthevastmajorityofwomen
onlinereallydonotpracticeanyreligion.Iguaranteeyou90%ofthesepeoplealsohaveatleast
3tattoosanddonthaveaclearcutideaofwhattheywanttodoforaliving.Iknowthisis
passingjudgmentandalittleunfairtosaybut,justseeforyourself.
Whydomostwomenreallydisguisetheirpersonalitiesanddontexpectmennottothroughout
pettycompliments?WhenyousayIliketohavefunwithmyfriendsthatsaysabsolutely
nothingaboutyouNowondertheirissuchanegativestereotypetointernetdatingfroma
femaleperspective,theyjustdonttakeitseriouslyorputmuchfaithinit.
3. September18,2010at5:46pm
Elliotsays:
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allofthisseemslikegoinfo,illgiveitatrybecausemylastemailshavenotworkedjackshit
formeormyprofile.
4. September18,2010at11:37pm
Saadiasays:
WOWIgetwhymystupidnetspeakturnsguysoffnow.IwishIreadthisarticleearlier!!!
ANDCALMDOWNPEOPLE!Thepointwastokeepreligionoutofcontextuntilyougetto
knowthepersonbetter.
5. September20,2010at6:40pm
Jesussays:
IwasntgoingtocommentbutIcouldntworkoutifthiswassarcasm,trollingordeluded
ranting(Illassumethefirst):
Atheistslovetofeelpersecuted.Thathighnumbercomesfromidiotssaying,Itssohardto
findattractiveatheistswho*understand*me.Noitsnot.FreakingeverybodyontheInternet
isanatheist.Getoveryourselves.
Itmademewanttoknowthecorrelationbetweenatheismandhavingasenseofhumour
becauseitsurelookslikepracticallythesamethingallthewaytotheoppositeendofthe
spectrumafterreadingthat.LookatJonStewartandColbertvstheFOXnewscrowd.Yeshes
jewishbuthisaudienceislargelyatheistoratleastmadeupofthosethatdonttaketheir
religionsoseriously,includinghimself.
AnyatheistwouldbejustbethinkingWTF????andthenlaughingtheirheadoff.Athiestsare
immunefromfeelingpersecuted,asatheistsatleast,sincebydefinitionisdoesntdefineany
partoftheiregoandwhereisthisone
Yesitcancomeacrossasbeinganinsensitiveassholetothoseontheothersidebutbeingable
tolaughattheworldingeneralprobablyhelpsquitealotincomingacrossaslessserious,
whichseemstocorrelatewithgettingmoreresponses.
PS:sorryifthisisaduplicatepostbutIgotnoindicationthatthefirstonedidanything.
6. September25,2010at3:12pm
Mostafasays:
itsTerribletomakeGODthelastthingonthelist!Wakeuppeoplepleaaaaaaase!
7. September28,2010at3:21pm
Jamessays:
IdontthinkdenyingGodisgoingtohelpyoufindagirlfriendbud.
8. September30,2010at2:57am
Alexeisays:
Howsitgoing?Youmention(band,zombie,movies),andIprettymuchthink(band,zombie,
movies)areawesome.Especiallywhen(bandplayed,zombieland,moviescene).Sorry,Inever
reallyknowwhattosayatfirstinthese.
Thismuchis189characterswithoutspaces,226with.Thisiswhatgetsreplies.Apparently
insightdoesntmatter(showmewheretheresspaceforit)...itsallaboutthefirstimpression
ofbeingonlymildlyinterested.
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(optional)ifyourebothatheist:Iadmireyouratheism..or..Dothechristiansbugyoutoo?
(Authorofthiscommentischristian)
9. October2,2010at11:55am
VivekSPanickersays:
Itwasreallyhelpful.Iusedtosendwinkbutcouldntseeanyreplies.RecentlyIfoundagirl
veryattractiveandsentheramessagebysaying,Youlookawesome.Keepup.Surprisingly
sherepliedtothatmessageandsheaddedmetoherfriendslist!
10. October5,2010at10:13pm
Randysays:
WhatIfindmostinterestingisthatwhenpeoplesaytheyreatheist,theymostofthetimemean
theyreagnostic.Atheismisthedisbeliefinanyorallsupremebeings,deities,gods,whathave
you,andwhenyouaskanatheistiftheybelievetherecouldbeasupremepower,butnot
neccassarilyGodperse,theyoftenagree.ThatsagnosticismandthisissomethingthatIve
noticedalotgrowingup.
however,Ihavetosay,thesectiononnetspeakisprettyfunnybecauseitstrue,allofthat
lingoissuperannoying,andnothingisworsethanwhensomeoneactuallysayslolinthereal
worldinsteadofactuallylaughing.
anyway,justmytwocents.
11. October9,2010at5:18am
RDCsays:
Ifinditreallyinterestingtoapproachthisfromtheviewpointofastudyonmodernsexuality.
Asamale,Ifindalloftheserulesthatwevecreatedmostoftentakemeawayfrombeing
myself,whileincreasingmysuccessinmeetingpeopleatthesametime.IfindthatIam
consistentlyrewardedfornotbeingmyself,andinsteadactinglikethepersonthatsocietyand
womenwouldaccept.IamcertainthatIamnotaloneinthis.Suppose,forexample,thatI
foundsomethinggenuinelyveryinterestingaboutafemalesonlinedatingprofile.Iwouldhold
backtheimpulsetocommunicatewithgreatenthusiasm,becauseIknowthatmostwomen
wouldbeturnedoffbythis.ShouldIreallydescribemylifephilosophyorwhatreallydrives
meormakesmehappyinthislife,inmyprofile?Byandlarge,Ihavefoundthatalongprofile
isseenasanegativeortoointense.Icouldgoonandon.Thiswholeprocessturnspeople
intorobots.Iwishthatwe,asapeople,couldfinditinourselvestomovebeyondthesevery
narrowlydefinedculturalroles.Forexample,95%ofwomenwillnevermessageaguyonline.
Bythesametoken,95%ofwomenwillnevereverapproachamaninpublic,nomatterhow
attractiveorinterestingthatmanseemstoher.Ifinditinexplicablethatweasaasasociety
wouldcreatesuchstrictrulesforthewaypeopleshouldact.Whatthiscreatesisasocietyof
menwholearnbehyperaggressive,bothintherealworldandvirtually.Yetwomenoften
complainaboutmanswarlikeagrotendencies.Iblamenoparticularsex,thisissomethingthat
weneedtoworkthroughasacultureandasahumanity.Ijustwish,eventhoughitseems
impossible,thatweasasocietycouldfindawaytoexpectnothing,unlearnwithjoy,andbe
free,bothinthewaythatwereceivethosearoundus,andinourownpersonalfreedomof
expression.
12. October9,2010at5:20am
RDKsays:
Ifinditreallyinterestingtoapproachthisfromtheviewpointofastudyonmodernsexuality.
Asamale,Ifindalloftheserulesthatwevecreatedmostoftentakemeawayfrombeing
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myself,whileincreasingmysuccessinmeetingpeopleatthesametime.IfindthatIam
consistentlyrewardedfornotbeingmyself,andinsteadactinglikethepersonthatsocietyand
womenwouldaccept.IamcertainthatIamnotaloneinthis.Suppose,forexample,thatI
foundsomethinggenuinelyveryinterestingaboutafemalesonlinedatingprofile.Iwouldhold
backtheimpulsetocommunicatewithgreatenthusiasm,becauseIknowthatmostwomen
wouldbeturnedoffbythis.ShouldIreallydescribemylifephilosophyorwhatreallydrives
meormakesmehappyinthislife,inmyprofile?Byandlarge,Ihavefoundthatalongprofile
isseenasanegativeortoointense.Icouldgoonandon.Thiswholeprocessturnspeople
intorobots.Iwishthatwe,asapeople,couldfinditinourselvestomovebeyondthesevery
narrowlydefinedculturalroles.Forexample,95%ofwomenwillnevermessageaguyonline.
Bythesametoken,95%ofwomenwillnevereverapproachamaninpublic,nomatterhow
attractiveorinterestingthatmanseemstoher.Ifinditinexplicablethatweasaasasociety
wouldcreatesuchstrictrulesforthewaypeopleshouldact.Whatthiscreatesisasocietyof
menwholearnbehyperaggressive,bothintherealworldandvirtually.Yetwomenoften
complainaboutmanswarlikeagrotendencies.Iblamenoparticularsex,thisissomethingthat
weneedtoworkthroughasacultureandasahumanity.Ijustwish,eventhoughitseems
impossible,thatweasasocietycouldfindawaytoexpectnothing,unlearnwithjoy,andbe
free,bothinthewaythatwereceivethosearoundus,andinourownpersonalfreedomof
expression.
13. October11,2010at10:50am
Nicko89says:
Ivewitnessedthesamescenarioseverydatingsiteivegoneto.
Match.com
EHarmony
PlentyofFish
Jazzed
Evow
etc.
Ithasalltreatedmethesame,anditseemsnoamountofmethodscouldhelpgaineventhe
slightestresponseofsomeonewhowouldactuallyenjoyatleasthavingaconversationwithme,
andmaybewanttodatelater.Igiveoutamessageibarelyreceiveanyresponses,andtheworst
ofitisthatmanyofthesamewomendontevenlookatmyprofile.Nowimwonderingifim
talkingtosomerobot.idontevenknow.Howmuchofmyselfcanipresenttoawoman,it
almostseemsasifeveryonewantssomeone,andyetnoonewantsanyone.
Onlinedatingisjuststartingtobecomeextremelytedious,butikeeplingeringonthinking
someonemightfindmeinteresting.Imdecentlooking,ihavegoals,ihaveafuture,ikeepmy
prioritiesstraight.Maybeijustcantwheninapoolofbadapples
14. October12,2010at2:17pm
DwightMorrisonsays:
Interestingarrayofviews,Imustsaymyexperienceofonlinedatingislikeonlinemarketing
tryingtocomeupwiththenextbigideaandattractionasmanysalesaspossibleallthisusing
therightwordsandsayingtherightthingislikegoogleadwordsgrantedIllbetryingsomeif
notallthesemethodsandseeingwhereitgetsmealongasImnotsellingmysoul.
15. October12,2010at11:07pm
Somebodysays:
SohereistheperfectmessageusingwhatIgleanedfromtheabove:
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HeySenoritagirly,
VerysorrytointerruptyoubutIwanttotellyouhowniceyouareandImightaddpretty
awesomehaha.IfZeuswasstillstalkingabouthewouldsnagyouinhiswifesackinaflash
oflighteninghaha.Althoughyoudidntmentionitinyourprofile,Icanimagineyouplaying
leadguitarinametalzombiebandwellsorrythatcertainlycameoutinanawkwardway.
Sorry,maybeIjustsaidthatasIhavebeenbrowsingtheliteratureaboutzombies,tattoosand
piercings.DoyouknowthattheyalloriginatedinTransylvaniawithVladIIItheImpaler?You
nodoubtknowofthetorturesheinflicted.Ifhisvictimssurvivedtheywereturnedintowell
piercedzombies.Tattooswereameansofmarkinghissubjectsaspunishments,marksofrank,
andasameansofsendingorderstohiscohorts.Thatsprettyawesomeisntithaha?Bythe
wayIamanAtheistsorry.
16. October13,2010at1:37pm
Mikesays:
Interestingarticle,andespeciallytheresponsethereligionanalysishasreceived.
Imsuretheactualprocessofgettingthatreplyalsoincludescheckingthesendersprofile,that
is,notonlythemessagesent.Youguyshavedonesuchagreatjobteasingoutfascinating
informationfromthedatabaseshere,iwonderifyoucouldmanageananalysisofthatdynamic.
Bytheway,Idolistmyselfasanatheistandhavereadmanyprofilesofpeoplefittingthatplus
othercriteria,particularlyeducation,andcanseeanumberofcorrelations,suchasanaffinity
forNPR.Makeofthatwhatyouwill.
17. October20,2010at1:43pm
amolibrisays:
Verygoodpoints.Usefulinformationtoo.Ivecaughtsomespammymessages,whereits
prettyobviousthatpeoplearebroadcastingortrollingbysendingthesamemessageto
manyrecipients.Iveneverhadanyoneadmititbuttherearenofurthermessagesfromthem
either!~)
ThereareSOmanyerrorsingrammarandspellingthatitsreallysad.Peoplewhosaythey
arecollegegraduates,dontknowthedifferencebetweenthenandthan,yourand
youre,their,thier,there,theyre,etc.Runaspellcheckatleast,forpetessake.
Alsoanyonewhomentionsheadgamesordramaqueens.OUTOUTOUT.
18. October28,2010at2:17pm
Jeffsays:
DearBelieverandparticularlyEvangelicalXians,
Iamanatheist.Assuch,Idontdenytheexistenceofagod.AsanatheistIlackabeliefina
god.Thetotalabsenceofsomething,suchasabelief,isnotsomethinginandofitself.ThatI
donthavethisbeliefandyoudodoesnotrequireofmeadenialjustbecauseyouwishtodeny
welivewithinasecularsociety.
Beanatheistifyouwanttodatemeandbetrusted.
19. November2,2010at8:48pm
Corisays:
Iwouldthinkthatsayingwhatsuporhowsitgoingismoresuccessfulbecausetheyare
questionsandgiveyousomethingtosayinaresponseIrealizeitsamessage,butaquestion
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actuallyINVITESaresponse.Theguycouldbesendingmessagestoseveralgirlseachday,if
youdontrespond,someonewill.Itslikeanicebreaker.Easyquestionfirst,gofromthere.
20. January8,2011at11:33pm
NeedaYentasays:
Iveusedonlinedatingsitesonandofffor6years,andithasbeeninterestingtosaytheleast.
Totheguysouttheregettingfrustratedbyalackofresponse,understandthatmenoutnumber
women9to1onmostsites.Soforevery1emailyousend,Ireceive9.Itsnowonderyou
donthearbackfromeveryone.Ihadsomanyresponses,Ilinedup35datesadayuntilIfound
whatIwaslookingfor.Idoubtthatmostwomenhavethatkindoftime,sojustunderstanditsa
matterofsupplyanddemand.Donttakeitpersonal.Also,tryusingalineintheemailthatyou
woulduseinperson.Younoticesomethingabouther,andcommentonit.Thatmeansyouhave
toreadherentireprofile,andthencommentonwhatyoufoundinterestingorcurious.Your
triptoGreecesoundsawesome!Idlovetohearmoreaboutit.Donotaskaclosedended
question.Askanopenendedquestionthatrequiresmorethanaonewordanswer.ThatisSales
101andwereallsellingheresellingtheideathatafuturewithuswouldbeawesome!Mylast
pointtoallthemenoutthereRememberthisonethingfortherestofyourlivesSmart
womenwanttohearthattheyarebeautiful(attractive,cute,etc.)Beautifulwomenwanttohear
thattheyaresmart.Givethemwhattheywantandyoullbeinfasterthanatatooedathiestjoins
ametalband.Goodluck.
21. January10,2011at1:44am
Micahsays:
ThisisoneofthemostinterestingblogsIveeverread.Inreadingthecommentsitseemsasif
Imreadingmyownthoughts.Ivehadallthesethoughtsexceptforthebitbythejudgmental
prude.Thatpersonisjustclosedmindedandlockedinabubble.Anyway,thebitaboutonline
datingmarketing.Ithinkthisguyisontosomething.Iveactuallythoughtaboutthisoften.Ive
datedsomegirlsthatIvemetfromdatingwebsites.Ivecreatedprofilesthatwerefollowing
thepopulartrend,statusquo,astonotrocktheboat,followallthepickupartistrulesofsocial
engagementandIdefinitelygetmoreresponsesultimatelyleadingtomoredates.Ivealso
createdanexperimentalprofilethatmostresemblesmytruepersonality.Unfortunately,thefake
profilewonbyalandslide.Itssadthatmytruepersonalitywasconsideredtheexperimental.
Thereareafewinterestingpointshere.Tojustifyusingastatusquoprofileistoincreasethe
chancesofactuallymeetingyourpotentialmate.Footinthedoor.Onlinedatinghasbecome
anotherlayerofmeetingyoursoulmate.Technologyismakingtheworldasmallerplacebut
atthesametimeseparatingourselvesfromactualinterpersonalinteraction.Textingisagreat
exampleanditcangobothways.SomemaybebetteratcommunicationthroughtextbutI
wouldthinkthemajorityofcoupleshavemetthroughactualconversationinperson.Hereisthe
neworderofmeetingsomeoneyoumayhititoffwith:1.Wink,2.Message,3.Facebook,4.
Texting,5.Telephone(thisisthefirsttimeyouactuallyhearyourpotentialdatesvoiceandthis
cangoonforseveralweeks),Finally,youmeetforadate.Newrulesofengagmentarehere.
Trygoingoutoforderandyoumayfindthatthefemaleisturnedoff.Theperfectmessagewas
veryfunny,sorryforsayingso.Iactuallyhaveapiercedzombietatoo.MaybethatswhyIve
had452datesinthelasttwoyears.
22. January13,2011at12:23am
TheFlyingSpaghettiMonstersays:
Iwonderifatheistsgetmorerepliesbecausetheresmoreofthemonthissite,duetothefact
thatitshardtofindnonatheistswhoarewillingtodateone(atleastfrommyexperience,
whichmostlyinvolvespeopletellingmeImgoingtohell).
23. January13,2011at10:22am
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Johnsays:
ImsuretheAtheistConnectionisjustthatevenamongyoungpeople,itsstillachristian
society,andfindinganotherAtheistthoughnotdifficult,especiallywiththematchsystem
givesyouasenseofconnection.Maybenotaplacetostart,butthatsoneimportantsetof
valuesthatIknowwethenhaveincommon!
24. January14,2011at6:14am
poopoosays:
Iknowwhyapologizeandkindaandpardontheexpressionimprovethechancesofguys.
Itsbecauseonyoursite98percentoftherespondentsareAmericans1.9percentare
Canadiansand.1percentareBritons.
WhenanAmericanwritessomething,andhewantstosay,greatdame,acceptmyapologyfor
interacting,andpleasenotehowIdidnotwriteplease,bythetimeitistyped,itmophrsonthe
screenasadpfoigunae98gaw3eyw0uyawerugyaewiuerthentheAmericanclickson
SAND.
IblametheAmericanPublicSchoolsystem,andofcoursetheRepublicans.
Soyourdatawascollectedfromcanadianstocanadians.Thisiswhytheapologeticwordswere
sosuccessful:we,incanada,usecouldIbotheryoutosorry,Iapologize,Ididnotmeanto
interruptyourapologytothegameswardenmuchlikeyouAmysusegoddamnedmofoshit
forbrainsormybitch,yourbitch,whosebitchandfucking,whichAmyphrasesaretyped
asadsfogaeaegxclknuhy8tujlepy.sdopfighsi,diuhyftrgyer7ygandgolly.Ofcourse
nobodyusesspellcheckcoziftheydid,theuserswouldnotrecognizethesuggestions.Bill
Gatesneedstoinventauniversaliconthatsimplysignifies,fuckyouassholeandthenthe
suggestiondepartmentwouldbeorganizedandquiteagain.
25. January14,2011at6:18am
gegesays:
theworst6wordsyoucanuseinafirstmessageareallstupidslang
Famouslastwords.Intwentyyearstheywillbethemostintelligentwords.
Imean,lookatchristianity.Theystartedoutasabunchoflionfeed,andtheywentontogreat
fortuneandfame,theirstrongholdonEuropeancivilizationonlyweakenedinthelast5060
years.After2000gloriousandmostlycelibateyearsthattheirzenithlasted.
26. January17,2011at3:35am
Rosesays:
Forme,itsnotsomuchthatphysicalcomplimentsareabadthing,itsthatwhentheyarethere
thereareusuallynoothercompliments.IdontmindwhensomeonetellsmeImprettywhen
s/healsosaysthatitsfascinatingthatImacomposerorthatImsmart.Butwithalltheinfo
thatIhaveaboutmyselfonmyprofile,ifallyouhavetosayisthatImprettyorIhaveanice
smile,andnothingaboutanythingelse,themessagethatsendsisthatmyvalueisinmylooks
andallmytalentsandaccomplishmentsareunimportant.Seehowthatisntallthatflattering?I
dontwanttodatesomeonewhotreatsmeasanobject,whoshouldbeseenandnotheard.
ThatswhatIthinkthisadvicetiesinto.Complimenthim/heronpersonalityratherthanlooks,
mentionspecificinterestsallthatsuggeststhatyouvereadhis/herprofileandfindit
intriguing.Notjustlookedathis/herphotosanddecidedthatthatisenough.Afterall,ifthe
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photosareallyouneed,thenitkindofistruethatyouonlyvaluethepersonforhis/herlooks,
right?
27. January17,2011at4:31am
Rosesays:
Also,dudeabovemeishilarious.Howmanyofthose452datesactuallyledtorelationships,
orevenjustseconddates?ConsideringyourprofileisONEBIGLIE!
Andamagicformula?WomenarenotTheBorg.Weallhavedifferentthingswelike.
Personally,Ifindwinkshighlycheesyandcantstandthem.Ialsodontliketextingwhen
someonecouldeasilycallme.
28. January17,2011at11:43pm
HydraJensays:
Theresnothingmetalaboutbeingavegetarian.Justsayin
29. January18,2011at5:00pm
brendasays:
awkwerdisbetterilikesayingthat
30. January28,2011at5:43pm
ravenfairydustsays:
Considerbecominganatheistisaratherironicadvicecomingfromadatingsite,aplace
wherepeopledemonstrativelyhavetroubleestablishingandmaintaininggoodrelationships
hencetheirpresence(andsubsequentfailure)here.Youknow,anotherinterpretationcouldbe
thatsomeonewhoISabletoestablisharelationshipwithanyoneincludingGodistherefore
unrelatabletothetypicaldatingsiteuser.
justsaying.
31. January28,2011at6:14pm
Bobbysays:
JuststartedouttryingthisonlinedatingsceneandIcantellyouitsalotharderthanitsounds,I
maguyandmusthavesentoutdozensanddozensofmessagesdoalldifferentandinteresting
women.IdoNOTsendoutthetypicalmessagesthatmostdobycomingupwithoneor2
paragraphsandmassemailingthemouttohundredsofwomen,Iactuallytakethetimetoread
theirprofileandwritebacksomethingintorelationtowhattheirinterestsorfavoritemovie
mightbe,ithasgottenmenowhere!!!!
32. January30,2011at6:18pm
Richsays:
Ithinkitsreallyasadcommentaryonsociety,thatreligionseemstobeaturnoff.Imadethe
mistakeofmarryingsomeonewhowasnottrulyaChristianandithelpedtocontributetoan
unhappyrelationshipbeforeshedivorcedme(shegotwhatshewantedkidsandhadnouse
formeafterwards).MyfaithandbeliefsareextremelyimportanttomeandifIhavetowaita
longtimebeforeIfindsomeonewhosharesthosebeliefs,sobeit.
33. February1,2011at2:37am
TimLsays:
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Obviouslyatheistsaremorelikelytoshowuponthisonlinedatingsite.Ifindthatthetermis
usefulasaproxyforcertaincharacteristics(especiallyforgirls,thoughobviouslyIdonthave
asmuchexperiencewithguysprofiles)multiplepiercings,shortpinkhair,fondnessfor
certainuniquemusicgenres.Assuch,becauseIdontmatchwiththatpersonalitytype,Ihave
checkedallbutatheistonreligionwhenIbrowse.Ithasnothingtodowithmyideology.Ijust
liketoscreenoutcertaintypesofpeople.
Comparethissitetoaverage,secular,bigcitysociety.Ihavemanyfriendswhoarenon
religiousoronlynominallyreligious.Amongmyreligiousfriends,relativelyfewarevisiblyor
vocallyreligious.Yetatthesametime,Ihaveonlyseveralfriends/acquaintanceswhowould
openlydescribethemselvesasatheistsandvery/somewhatseriousaboutit.Ishouldaddthat
thehandfulofvocalatheistsareallguys!
ImustemphasizeagainthatIhavenothingagainstatheism.Iamquiteskepticalmyselfon
mattersofreligion.Butthatparticularfindingintheoutlineaboveisnotatallsurprising,and
alsorepresentsoneofthemostsignificantdifferencesbetweentheOKCupidcommunityand
themainstream,20somethingurbancommunity.
34. February2,2011at5:06pm
kenzie0913says:
IhavetosayIfoundthisveryinterestingtoread.IfoundmyselfthinkingaboutthemessagesI
sendaswellastheonceIreceive.Ifeellikemostofitisprettyaccurate.IknowpersonallyI
liketofeellikethepersonmessagingmeactuallyhasreadthroughmyprofileoratleastseems
reallyfriendlythenIwillrespond.Ofcoursethisstudydidnottakeotherfactorsinto
considerationlikelooks.Iknowthatitishumannaturethatpeoplewilltakethatinto
consideration.Ifsomeoneisbetterlookingtheyareprobablymorelikelytorespondtoa
messagethatisntasfriendlyorpersonal.Thatisjustaguess,butsomethingtopointout.When
IwasscrollingthroughIsawtheydiddoastudywithlooks.IguessIllhavetocheckitout!
35. February2,2011at7:47pm
CCsays:
IWILLNEVERDENYGOD!!EVER!
36. February2,2011at8:34pm
CupidstrikesUsays:
Ibelievethedifficultyrestsupontheunnaturalmediumofawrittenmessageasitappliestothe
ambienceofdatingandfirstimpressions.Incommunicating,apersoncomprehendsmorein
whattheyseenonverballythanwhattheyhearverbally.Inthislight,apersoncaneasilyjest
usingalooktoinformtheircounterpartthattheyarenotbeingserious.Thisisthecourtship,
sotospeak,offlirtingwithlightorhardsarcasmthatpromoteswitandcharm,interest,and
otheraspectsthatallrelyheavilyuponeyecontactandnonverbalclues.
Mostofushavegrownuptoanatural,facetofaceapproachthatsimplycannotbeexpressed
equallyinawrittenmessage.Howcanapersonbefunnyorcharismaticwhentheycantroll
wordsofftheirtongue,rolltheireyes,giveacertainlookorafacialexpressionofahalf
crookedsmile?Inmostcases,itcannotbedone,andindoingso,peoplelosetheirmost
effectivewaytocommunicate.Thisresultsindifficultywithwhattosayinwrittenform
becauseitmustnotonlysoundlikeapersonissayingit,butitalsomustbesaidnonverbally,
thusbecomingsomewhatunnatural.
Ineffect,ExactlyWhatToSayInAFirstMessageisacontradictionbecauseyoucannot
saysomethingthatiswritten.Tobeeffectiveinyourfirstmessage,justimaginethatyou
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aretalkingtoablindperson,andyoucantalkonlylikearobot.Allyourwordswillcomeout
thesamemanner,tone,andstyle.Yourmessagecannotbeoverbloatedwithunnecessary
words.Theyshouldbeshort,simple,andconcise.Thespecificityshouldrelatetoacommon
interest,andnotcomplicatedwhichmeansonlyaskoneortwoquestion.Donotbecomean
interrogator.
Thesituationwillbecomemoredifficultifyousucceedinthisfirstattempt,becausenowthe
nextstepisExactlyWhatToSayWhenSomeoneResponsesToYourFirstMessage.In
anotherwords,itwillbemuchmoredifficulttokeeptheflowgoing.Isuggestchangingthe
mediumassoonaspossibletothefacetofacemeetingwhereyouwillbeabletoutilizeyour
bestability,thenonverbalcues.PhonesandIMsarefine,butwrittenmessageswillultimately
becomedull.However,allthatisjustmyopinion.
37. February5,2011at3:15am
Marksays:
Imnotclaimingtobeanexpertatthisbyanymeans.ImfairlycertainthatIminthetop20%
ofmaleusersonherelookswise.Igetamessageeveryotherdayorso,mostlyfromwomen
thatIamnotphysicallyattractedto.SowhenIdofindagirlthatIfindattractive,Istillhaveto
messageherfirst.Shemayhaveviewedmyprofile,butImstilltakingtheinitiation.
Iwouldalsosaymysuccessrateonmessagesreturnedishigherthantheaverageaswell.I
probablygetback3540%ofthemessagesIsendout,duetofactorslikelastloginin,the
womenImessageget9messagesaday,ect.
WhileIdonthaveacutanddrycopy/pastemessageIsendout(Imetawomanfromhere,and
overdrinks,shetoldmeherandherroommatearealwaysgettingthesameexactmessages
frommen)Idotendtostickwiththesamebasicformula.
Hey,Howsitgoing?
Inoticed(yourinschool/likeeminem,hatepuppies)andImnowwondering(whenyou
graduate,ifyoulikejayztoo,howmanypuppiesyouvemurdered).Andthentrytomake
somesortcommentthatshowsIhaveajokingsidetoo.
Im63,andthegirlItookoutfordrinksis411.
SomyfirstmessagetoherwasYoure411,howtallistootall?anditgeneratedaresponse
whileusuallysheisgettingahey,whatsup?orsomethingoverlycomplimentaryoroverly
sexual.
38. February5,2011at6:12am
Aussenansichtsays:
(Firstsorryforbadusageoftheenglishlanguage,needmorepractice

@Randy(Oct5th,2010)
Iknow,thatsaoldpost.
Buthey,itstheonlyonemakessense
Therestofyouitisinterestinghowthisarticleisbeingmisunderstood.Andwhatshowsthe
simplicityofthecommoncrowditisremarkablewhatthereactionsonthereligionspartof
thearticleare.
Someofyouarereally,reallyblindedbythesunYouseethewordsgodandnoreligion
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andimmediatelyyougetyourgunsandarereadytofight.Heynooneonthisarticlesaid
somethingbadaboutyourreligion.Andmaybethatstypicalamerican:notolerancetothe
nonbeliverthisremindsmeofthepeopleyourefightingagainstinyourwaronterror
Haveaniceday.
39. February5,2011at11:21pm
cjsays:
IwilltakeastandforGodinallHisGloryforever..
40. February8,2011at2:35pm
Dorje013says:
@RDC,RDK,Micah:Yup,studysocialdynamics.Youandmebabyarenothingbut
mammalsandasfarasmostpeoplego,theyhavenocontroloverwhetherornottheyare
attractedtoyou.Ifyouwantachance,youmustcreateattraction,itisthemalesrole.You
shouldalsoconsiderwhyawomanmaynotbeattractedtowhoyoureallyareitisbecause
youaredemonstratinglowersurvivalorsocialvaluewithyourbehavior.Ifyoucanunderstand
it,youcanchangeit.Imnotsayingtopretendtobesomeoneyouarenot,butyourissuesare
beingbroughttolightandyounowhaveanopportunitytodecideifthisistrulyyouormaybe
youdliketochange?
Anyway,thisarticleisSOINCOMPLETEbecausethe#1factorinwhetheryouwillgetareply
toyourmessageisyourphotos.
41. February8,2011at3:06pm
CGGsays:
WhatnoHowdy?
42. March15,2011at11:34pm
hahaha!!says:
ToMarkabove.
IhavetoagreewiththemethodIhavebeenonOKCforaboutamonthnow.Thishas
landedmeaboutacoupleofdatesaweek.Igettobeveryselective,andIhaveastrictprotocol
Ifollow.Itypicallygetatleastamessageaday.Iwouldconsidermylookstobeabove
average,yetIalsocarrymyselfwelloutinpublic.Ifinditallofthistobeverysatisfyingand
enjoyable.Ihaveatendencytohavefilledupmyinboxinthisshortamountoftime.
Butwhatisstrikingthemostaretheamountofhypocritesthatareoutthere.Yesladies,
you..Whydoyouwinkatmewhenyouexplicitlystatethatyoudontlikeitandfindit
creepy.Whydoyouthinkitisokforyoutodoit??Alsodontsavesoyoucanwatchme
comeon,orwhenIsayhello,yousayyoujustsavedmetolookatmyprofilelaterpffft!!!
right..hahahaha!!
Tooallthosepoorguysouttherethatarehavingsuchahardtime,gobackandreevaluate
yourself.Gofindanalphaandpickupsomeideasthatwork.Iamnottalkingaboutpuffingout
yourchestandbeingjustphysicallystronger,butstartwithyourselfesteem.Thatcarrysalot
ofweight.LikemybuddysaysFaketillyoumakeit.
Anotherthing,IwishOkChadaanonymousbuttonwhereafteryouhadadate,youcanclick
anoptionofifyouscored(gotlaid,.whateveryouwanttocallit)ornot.IwouldLOVEtosee
thestatiscaldataonthis.Iwouldhavedingthatbuttonquiteafewtimesallready.
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Ohyeah,,Ifeelreally,really,really,andImeanreallybadforyoushortguysoutthere,Ihave
never,seensuchdirectdiscriminationeverinmylifeIguessithelpswithmebeing64and
confident..remember,confidence!!,dontconfuseitforcockiness!
AllIhavetosayisTHANKYOUOkC!!!!
43. March16,2011at8:01am
soultrsays:
Ithinkyouneedtoalsolookatthecountriesthelettersarewrittentoorfrom.Ifyouwriteto
achristiancountryandtelltheladyyounotbelieveinGod,youwillgetfewresponces.
44. March17,2011at2:40am
Justinsays:
WhyisiteverytimethattheOKCstaffpostsascientific(althoughhumorouslydisseminated)
studyofsomesort,thesecommentsturnintoawhinefestaboutpeoplefeelingjadedabout
religion,looks,thefactthatotherpeoplewontmessagethem,orwhateverelsetheyfeelthe
needtocomplainabout?
Thisarticlewasveryinformativeandtakeitforwhatitisananalysisofdatawhichmayor
maynothelpyouinachievingmoreresponsestoyourmessages.
45. March21,2011at11:45pm
GilinX9says:
Ithinkatheistzombiesarecoolandawesome,especiallywhentheydebateaboutmetaphysics.
=]
46. March24,2011at9:32am
Edsays:
Imsorrybutthisisallbullshit.
IvebeenanatheistsincemyteensandIdideverythinginthisbloginnatelyevenbefore
readingit.Imnotapersonthatgivescomplimentsforthesakeofgivingcompliments.AmI
gettingwomentryingtomakeoutwithmeleftandright?No.Hell,Idkillforawomantotalk
to!!
Faceit,Womenjustdonttakedatingwebsitesthatseriously,especiallyfreeones.Theydont
useitasameanstogetdates,theyuseitasameanstogetattention.Thatsthetruth.Theyjust
dontgiveashit.
47. April9,2011at6:57am
shellysays:
CoolinsightsIthinkmostaretrueonasubliminallevel.Thereshouldbeastudyoncode
wordsthatwomenuselikecurvy,voluptuous,BBW,thick,orfullfiguredCanweallbe
honestandlookagainattheveryadequate,universalword,FAT!Puhleeez.Overweightis
overweightpeople.Putdownthefoodandandyawonthavetocomeupwithsillycodewords
thattrytocoverupthefactthatfatisnotspelledfit.
48. April14,2011at12:00pm
LSsays:
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MaybeImintheminorityherebut,mostofthestuffaboutwhatwomenrespondtodoesnt
applytomeatall.Idonthaveanyproblemwithbeingcomplimentedonmylooks.InfactI
likeit.Ialsolookforenthusiasm,sincerity,intelligenceanduniquenessinthemessage.Bottom
linethough,ifImnotattractedphysicallythenImnotgoingtorespond,althoughImight
appreciatesomeoneseffort,andevenletthemknowthat.
49. April18,2011at9:02am
Andrewsays:
Theheightdifferencemightbeduetointelligenceandincomedifference.Sociallyawkward
internetusersaremorelikelytobemoreintelligentthanaverageandtocomefromamore
priviledgedbackgroundthantheaverageperson.Specifically,itisextremelyunlikelythat
peoplewithIQbelow80wouldbeactiveinternetusers.
50. April18,2011at12:49pm
Joesays:
Ihavebeenalreadyusingalltheinfothatwassaidonhere.Welleverythingexceptforbeingan
atheistbecauseImnot.Imagnostic.ButIstilldontgetanyreplies.IamnicewhenImessage
someone.Itryandgivethemalittlebackgroundinfoonmyself.Idontcommentontheirlooks
mostlybecauseIthinkitssortofsleazy.ImeanIammessagingyou.Thatrightthereshouldtell
youthatIthinkyouareattractive.ItrynottosaytomuchandItrynottosaytolittle.Ialso
dontsayanythingthatistopersonalandIdontjustputHelloorHayinthesubline.Its
normallysomethingquickthathastodowithathingIlikedabouttheirprofile.Ievenendwith
somethingnicelikeIcantwaittohearfromyou..
ButthenIcomebackthenextdaytoseetheyhavebeenloggedonatsomepointinthatdayso
theydidgetthemessageandthinkoktheyarebusy.ButafewdaysgobyandIdontevenget
areply.Nowthatiswhatpissesmeoff!Atleastacknowledgemyfuckingexistence!Tellme
youhavealreadymeetsomeoneoryoudontthinkwewouldgowelltogether.OrevenIthink
youruglywouldbebetterthannothingatall!
IreplytoeverymessagethatcomesmywayevenifIdontlikethegirljustsosheknowsIat
leastgothermessage.Iwouldexpectthewomentodothesame.
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