Love poems

all art and writing by Romy Durrant

2015

And the sound of her name

sends a permanent shiver
down my spine
Boys Next Door

if emptiness were a dance

wed be dancing it together,
at opposite ends of a glass diving board
i know now
i will never have you 100%
when its night and im out walking
i feel a deafness
that cant be reset
until im with you
and even then
youre only 50%
and fluctuating
i would worship the moon for weeks
if i knew you could be constant
instead im down
on daydreams of you

1
the first night you stayed
you told me about your dad dying
i told you it was ok to cry
and touched you,
just fingers at first
on your cheek
i saw grief
trying to drown itself
over the image of your dads piss bag
and drug addiction
you hid your face
in my sheets
and from the side
i saw it break

that was before i knew how to touch you

since then
weve been everywhere
and nowhere at all
on flesh
and borrowed time

the first time i fell in love

was with a girl
i was 13 and she was 17
and she was dating my female cousin
we met in Sugar Land, Texas
on a holiday funded by my rich extended family
we had an internet romance
that lasted for months
before she broke my heart
the same year
i fell in love with an emo boy
his mum was in and out of psychiatric care
for the 4 months i knew him
hed been in 9 + relationships
by the time he was 16
i still have the scar
from when i sliced my shoulder open
people ask if i fell out of a tree
but i prefer to tell the truth:
LOVE HURTS
i dont need tattoos
to know whats already permanent:
a teardrop under my breastbone
for the fluids ive spilled for you

2
we got drunk
and brought out your strap-on
i picked a hair off the dildo
and then you fucked me with it
i wanted burning heat inside of me
i pulled away and said:
its not you, its the purple dildo
then i lip-synced with it
to early 2000s pop
in my Hello Kitty dressing gown

there were times

when we were too numb
to speak or move
when watching from a distance
hurt less than touching
when the sun
did nothing for us
and emotional incompetence
made us high
i liked us more
when we were living
when we were eggs
split and fucking on the floor
and you were crying and telling me
how much you hate yourself
people kicked at the door
while i combed your black hair
i wont believe
that you arent worth it

i cheated on the third person i fell in love with

with a barista x musician
i gave my number to him
at the caf he worked at
our first date was at the beach
he sang sad songs for me
and then tried to have sex with me in the bushes
hed lost his dad several years earlier
and his mum that year
his friends hated him
because hed cheated on his ex
with his friends wife
he cheated because he hadnt had sex for 3 weeks
i told him
id fall in love with him
if we had sex
i understood him because,
like my mum,
he had Bipolar
the last time i saw him
he told me to meet him at the music shop
then ignored me for 2 hours
i intervened when i realised
he wanted to buy everything in the shop
afterwards he drove to a carpark to fuck me
he didnt seem to mind that i knew
he was texting his ex on the way
i didnt have sex with him
because i didnt like the way he said
its just sex
as he shoved his red one at me

3
youve told me about
Sirens
how they lure them in
i could have died
when you flew
i could have ripped
my organs out
i would have laid them
on the rocks
and spilled their blood
for you

you should have seen me,

i threw things
and went for walks
to air you out

4
strangulation sex
on gravel
in an abandoned lot
kissing well past the new year
in a love heat
rocks in our skin
rashes forming
stars
as you thrust my head back
burning


we escaped the summer
and took endone
recorded ourselves being naked fools
to Nothing Compares 2 U
laughing
as i inserted a fake flower stalk
into my post-sex pussy
after,
you brought ice cubes
shaped like puzzle pieces
from the freezer,
moved them up and down my back
with the lights off
the window open
and troi gymnopedies: no.3
playing
you were flowers pink
& waves in me
spells cast over
cold pizza
bedroom dancing

we take turns
being close
viewing the other
through a kaleidoscope
i like you a lot
and nearly cried whispering it to you
i was all eyes
on your soft sleeping face

5
we swam
my legs were wrapped around you,
just floating
i touched your breast
and tasted the salt on you
your eyes widened
you gasped
and then we kissed
when we stopped the people staring said
its ok, keep going, we like it
so we did

i will kiss you everywhere

and anywhere
in this world


while you are dreaming of
trying to connect with me
as cloud form
im dreaming of
you formally telling me there are others
you are red sand
anxiety
you are a watch on my
terrified heart
we are
1 mood disorder
&
1 personality disorder
will we ever live harmoniously

next time
you are twisted,
know:
im here holding my own hand
listening to songs
with your name in them
Googing things like:
subtle signs someones in love with you
BPD relationship patterns
what it means to be in love
searches ive been making since i was 14
i wish i knew the answers to things like:
how to love you without scaring you away
how to take away your depression
how to think less selfishly about loving you
how to love myself
love is a cauldron
we are sick
but i will not be sorry
i found you