Do it Now!
Nag-aholics
Are you at your wit’s end with your
spouse or kids? Are you forced to
hound your loved ones, just to get any-
thing done? Do you wonder what the
heck it's going to take for them to get it?
You might feel the need to nag about
household chores, getting a better job,
quitting smoking, staying out late, or
financial issues. No matter what the
subject, saying the same thing over and
over and over again is nagging.
When you see their eyes glaze over and
their faces take on a blank expression,
you likely become very aggravated.
Maybe you walk away from such
encounters discouraged and frustrated,
feeling that they'll never get the mes-
sage. Maybe you feel a bit foolish after
you've repeated yourself again, for the
umpteenth time.
You're not alone. Nagging is the most
popular weapon of choice to stir loved
ones to action! But wait! There is a bet-
ter way!
Nagging 101
The word nag comes from the
Scandinavian word, nagga, which
means to gnaw. Hmmm.
Nagging may include attacking, blam-
ing, coaxing, complaining, criticizing,
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Breaking free
from the
Nag trap
demanding, demeaning, faultfinding,
nit-picking, pestering, urging and
wheedling, just to name a few. Nagging
is exhausting. It's one communication
device that does not add anything posi-
tive to relationships. Instead, it takes a
lot away, by damaging trust, feeding
resentments and frustration, and dimin-
ishing respect.
Anyone can be a nagger (the one nag-
ging), and anyone can be the naggee
(the one being nagged).Usually thought
of as a feminine trait, men also have the
ability to badger beyond belief. Most
people who nag their partners don't
even realize they are doing it.
For clarification, below are the who,
what, why, when, where and how of
nagging. From the list, see what you
can discover about yourself. Check any
items that describe your beliefs about
nagging, or that apply to you.
WHO you nag:
Family (kids, wives, husbands, sib-
lings, parents, extended family mem-
bers)
Others (friends, co-workers, subor-
dinates, students, team members)
WHAT nagging is:
One-sided repetition of what you
think or want
Send us your feedback! Editor@GBonkers.com
By Kate Thompson
Ignoring or belittling how others
feel about the topic
A behavior that many don't even
know or believe they're doing
A behavior others can often identi-
fy long before the nagger does
WHY we nag:
We have opinions about what oth-
ers should do, eat, say, wear, want,
like, or be.
We have opinions about what oth-
ers should not do, eat, say, wear, want,
like, or be.
We want help getting things done.
We believe that people in relation-
ships should help and please each
other.
We believe that people in relation-
ships should want to help and please
each other.
We believe it's good for people to
learn certain skills and attitudes – and
that it's our job to teach them.
We believe tasks will get done
more easily and quickly with more
people pitching in.
We believe our lives would be bet-
ter if people just did things the way we
wanted them to.
 It's what we grew up with.
It can feel very scary to think those
we love aren't listening to us, which
we fear could mean they don't care.
WHEN we nag:
In the middle of a situation, or as
things need to get done
Repeatedly and consistently, over
time
WHERE we nag:
Anyplace at all, but usually at
home or work
In private, where we believe no
one else can see or hear us
In public, in front of others who
are within earshot
HOW nagging affects people:
It can be very humiliating, embar-
rassing and tiresome for everyone
involved.
It feeds feelings of frustration,
defensiveness and resentment.
It creates situations in which peo-
ple dig in their heels.
Fighting and alienation often result
because the nagging feels so relentless,
pointless and degrading.
This list of factors might have helped
you notice your actions more clearly.
After reading it, you might be feeling
defensive, angry, vulnerable or embar-
rassed yourself. You might be willing to
agree that some of the points sound like
you. Maybe you've thought of things
that aren't on the list. It's not easy to
look squarely at our unpleasant, even
damaging actions. So what the heck do
you do with these distressing feelings
and thoughts?
Help for Naggers
If you're admitting that maybe you do
nag those around you, good for you!
Give yourself credit for honestly facing
this uncomfortable realization! That's
the crucial first step. To continue from
this point, with just a little willingness,
you can change this habit. Badgering
others is only a habit, and like any
habit, it can be broken.
Send us your feedback! Editor@GBonkers.com
The tips below will help you gain new
insight into nagging, so that you can
break free from the nagging habit for-
ever.
Recognize that nagging
doesn't work
If you badger, pester, bug, hound or
hector your loved ones, you've proba-
bly noticed how ineffective it is. So,
why do you keep doing it? Nagging is
simply a bad habit. Here are great rea-
sons to break that habit and stop nag-
ging:
The more you nag, the more your
loved ones withdraw both emotionally
and physically from you, causing you
to nag even more. It becomes a
vicious cycle.
When you hound others, they learn
to avoid you, or at least, to avoid situa-
tions and topics that might awaken the
nag within you. Yes, they might actu-
ally do what you want them to, but
you can bet that the job will not be
done well.
Even though your gripes may be
valid, nagging makes the nagee resent-
ful.
Nagging makes the nagee defensive.
Nagging your spouse puts you in the
parent role, and your spouse in the
child role. This isn't healthy for your
marriage relationship.
Nagging is disrespectful.
Nagging is perceived as criticism
and is mostly ignored.
The nagee often feels attacked.
Nagging makes your spouse feel
inadequate, and when someone feels
inadequate, they act inadequate.
Examine your habit
Pay attention to the circumstances
when you're hectoring people. Do you
tend to focus on a particular person,
behavior or task? Are there times when
it's especially easy to start nagging and
hard to stop? What's going on in those
situations? Are you a quiet nagger, or
do you tend to yell or scream? How do
your naggees react when you're pester-
ing them? What do they do after the sit-
uation has ended? Did one of your par-
ents nag the other, or you, when you
were growing up? Notice what you feel
and think before, during, and after you
nag.
Decide what's more important
Now that you're getting an idea of
what's going on inside you and why you
nag, take some time to think about what
you could do instead. What is most
important to you when it comes to the
usual topics or situations that cause
trouble? Be willing to accept that things
may not always happen the way you'd
like them to or at the exact moment that
you want them to. Accept that the sky
won't fall if the garbage hangs around
the kitchen an extra few hours.
Start fresh
Suggest to your naggees that you sit
down and sort through the situation(s)
together. Acknowledge your nagging
ways. Avoid justifying your behavior
(even though it may seem highly justi-
fiable)! Be willing to apologize for past
behavior and start fresh. Others will
notice the difference before to long, and
so will you.
Be willing to compromise
In which areas can you let go or com-
promise? Work out how the tasks or
behaviors will be resolved in new ways.
Is it really a disaster if the dishes get
done at 8:30pm, instead of 6:30pm? It's
usually a good idea to start with one
specific situation or type of behavior,
rather than take on too much too soon.
Remember, everyone needs time to
learn new skills and attitudes. What
does each person want to change? Talk
about what is not open for negotiation
(but be careful here, or all your hard
work might be wasted). Decide as pre-
cisely as possible what each person will
do in the situation you're discussing.
Communicate what
you really want
Share your feelings. When you nag
someone to complete a task, what are
you really feeling, deep beneath your
nagging words? Are you feeling neg-
lected or unappreciated? Over-
whelmed? Exhausted and in need of
help? Are you communicating your
needs clearly? Probably not! Practice
continued next page
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Nag-aholics - continued
saying what you are really feeling.
Instead of nagging, "When are you
going to take out this garbage…I've
asked you a hundred times." Try saying
(once), "I'm feeling stressed, over-
whelmed and rushed, and I would real-
ly appreciate it if you would take it
out."
Stick to the issue at hand. Don't make
ultimatums. Avoid using the phrases,
"You always..." and "You never..."
Consider saying "would you" or "will
you" rather than "could you" or "can
you". There's a subtle difference in the
way the request will be heard by others.
Share control
Acknowledge your different perspec-
tives regarding chores and housekeep-
ing expectations.
Recognize that just as your opinions
and preferences are valid, so are others’
(including kids'). Remind yourself that
there is more than one way to complete
a project, and your timeline is not the
only available option in which to com-
plete it. Give others decision making
power, space, and control over their
assigned tasks. Do you really care
about the precise time the dog gets his
bath, as long as he gets one this week-
end?
Reward good behavior
Show your appreciation when your
spouse does put dishes in the dishwash-
er, or picks up a towel, turns off the tel-
evision, or when dirty clothes end up in
the hamper. Positive reinforcement of
these behaviors will ensure that they are
repeated.
Bury old habits
When former-nagging situations arise,
practice speaking your piece once, and
leave it at that. Keep your statements
brief so they don't turn into long lec-
tures. Take a deep breath when you feel
the urge to keep harping about the same
thing. Just because you and your ex-
naggees have made some new decisions
doesn't mean everything will go per-
fectly from now on. You might still
revert to your old ways, and they might,
too. But hang in there – change is often
gradual, but it will happen if you keep
at it.
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Set a good example
Set a good example in picking up after
yourself, putting your clothes away,
leaving the bathroom in good shape,
eating healthy foods, exercising, etc.
Moving on in your
nag-free life...
It's amazing what a difference you'll
notice in yourself and your loved ones.
Life will be easier and more peaceful
for everyone. You'll get more done in
less time – and everyone will feel better
about it. Children and teens will have a
better chance to learn responsibility.
You and the other adults in your life
will learn to be more respectful, and
everyone will feel more worthy of
respect – a win-win for everybody! GB
Kate Thompson is a writer, educa-
tor, life skills coach, and facilitator
who lives on Manitoulin Island,
Ontario, Canada. She has estab-
lished and operated four social serv-
ice programs and has led numerous
workshops and courses on sexual
assault, family violence, adult litera-
cy, writing, and personal growth.
With her brother, Bill Klatte, Kate co-
authored the book, “It’s So Hard to
Love You – Staying Sane When Your
Loved One is Manipulative, Needy,
Dishonest, or Addicted.” (2007).
SEC ON
60
How to keep politics from
D
S
destroying your friendship
E L F
Election years can be hard on friend-
ships. When friends disagree about
issues, candidates or political parties,
it can lead to fractured relationships.
So how can you keep your friends,
and your right to vote?
Don't be a verbal bully. It's OK to
express your opinions; it's not OK to
keep hammering them home to a
friend who disagrees.
Be a good winner. If your candi-
date wins, resist the urge to gloat.
Your friend is likely sad, disappoint-
Send us your feedback! Editor@GBonkers.com
If Your Spouse
is Nagging You
Accept your responsibility in
helping to create a home environ-
ment that has triggered a nagging
response in your spouse.
Honestly evaluate your attitude
about chores, picking up after
yourself, annoying habits, and
more. Ask yourself if you have a
pattern of avoidance when it
comes to chores or other issues.
If you ignore your mate's
requests or refuse to even
acknowledge that you heard what
your spouse has said to you, stop
this behavior. Really try to listen
and to respond to your spouse. It is
okay to say no. At least your
spouse will know you heard them.
GB
B O N K E R I S M
Under everyone's hard shell
is someone who wants to be
appreciated and loved.
ed and upset to see his candidate
lose.
Talk about something else. There
are plenty of things to discuss other
than politics.
It's worth making the effort to keep
your relationship strong. After all,
your friendship will be going strong
long after the next president's term
expires.
Source: Stuart Twemlow, MD, The Menninger
Clinic.