ACT ONE

SCENE I
#1 GET BACK TO HOGWARTS
HARRY:
UNDERNEATH THESE STAIRS
I HEAR THE SNEERS AND FEEL GLARES OF
MY COUSIN, MY UNCLE AND MY AUNT.
CAN'T BELIEVE HOW CRUEL THEY ARE
AND IT STINGS MY LIGHTING SCAR
TO KNOW THAT THEY'LL NEVER EVER GIVE ME WHAT I WANT.
I KNOW I DON'T DESERVE THESE
STUPID RULES MADE BY THE DURSLEYS
HERE ON PRIVET DRIVE.
CAN'T TAKE THESE STUPID MUGGLES,
BUT DESPITE ALL OF MY STRUGGLES,
I'M STILL ALIVE.
IM SICK OF SUMMER AND THIS WAITING AROUND.
MAN, ITS SEPTEMBER, AND IM SKIPPING THIS TOWN
HEY ITS NO MYSTERY, THERE NOTHING HERE FOR ME NOW
I GOTTA GET BACK TO HOGWARTS,
I GOTTA GET BACK TO SCHOOL.
GOTTA GET MYSELF TO HOGWARTS,
WHERE EVERYBODY KNOWS I'M COOL.
BACK TO WIZARDS AND WITCHES, AND MAGICAL BEASTS,
TO GOBLINS AND GHOSTS AND TO MAGICAL FEASTS.
ITS ALL THAT I LOVE, AND IT'S ALL THAT I NEED.
HOGWARTS, HOGWARTS, I THINK I'M GOING BACK--I'LL SEE MY FRIENDS, GONNA LAUGH 'TIL WE CRY
TAKE MY FIREBOLT, GONNA TAKE TO THE SKY
NO WAY THIS YEAR ANYONE'S GONNA DIE,
AND IT'S GONNA BE TOTALLY AWESOME
I'LL CAST SOME SPELLS, WITH A FLICK OF MY WAND
DEFEAT THE DARK ARTS, YEAH BRING IT ON!
AND DO IT ALL WITH MY BEST FRIEND RON,
'CUZ TOGETHER WE'RE TOTALLY AWESOME
RON:
YEAH, AND IT'S GONNA BE TOTALLY AWESOME!

RON: Did somebody say Ron Weasley?

HARRY: Ron what are you doing here?
RON: Hey man, sorry it took so long to get here, I had to get some Floo Powder. But get everything you need
and lets get going.
HARRY: Where are we going?
RON: To Diagon Alley, of course!
HARRY: Cool!
BOTH: Floo Powder power! Floo Powder power! Floo Powder power!
RON:
IT'S BEEN SO LONG, BUT WE'RE GOING BACK
DON'T GO FOR WORK, DON'T GO THERE FOR CLASS
HARRY:
AS LONG AS WERE TOGETHER-RON:
-- GONNA KICK SOME ASS
HARRY & RON:
... AND ITS GONNA BE TOTALLY AWESOME!
THIS YEAR WE'LL TAKE EVERYBODY BY STORM,
STAY UP ALL NIGHT, SNEAK OUT OF OUR DORM
HERMIONE:
BUT LET'S NOT FORGET THAT WE NEED TO PERFORM WELL IN CLASS
IF WE WANT TO PASS OUR OWLS!
RON: God, Hermione why do you have to be such a buzz kill?
HERMIONE: Because, guys, school are not all about fun and games. We have to study hard if we want to be
good wizards and witches. UGH!
HERMIONE:
I MAY BE FRUMPY, BUT I'M SUPER SMART
CHECK OUT MY GRADES, THEY'RE "A'S" FOR A START
WHAT I LACK IN LOOKS WELL I MAKE UP IN HEART,
AND WELL GUYS, YEAH, THAT'S TOTALLY AWESOME
THIS YEAR I PLAN TO STUDY A LOT...
RON:
THAT WOULD BE COOL IF YOU WERE ACTUALLY HOT
HARRY:
HEY RON, COME ON, WE'RE THE ONLY FRIENDS THAT SHE'S GOT!
RON:
AND THAT'S COOL...

HERMIONE:
... AND THAT'S TOTALLY AWESOME
HARRY, RON, HERMIONE:
YEAH IT'S SO COOL, AND IT'S TOTALLY AWESOME!
WE'RE SICK OF SUMMER AND THIS WAITING AROUND
IT'S LIKE WE'RE SITTING IN THE LOST AND FOUND
DON'T TAKE NO SORCERY
FOR ANYONE TO SEE HOW...
WE GOTTA GET BACK TO HOGWARTS
WE GOTTA GET BACK TO SCHOOL
WE GOTTA GET BACK TO HOGWARTS
WHERE EVERYTHING IS MAGIC-COOOOOOL
EVERYONE:
BACK TO WIZARDS AND WITCHES, AND MAGICAL BEASTS
TO GOBLINS AND GHOSTS AND TO MAGICAL FEASTS
IT'S ALL THAT I LOVE, AND IT'S ALL THAT I NEED AT
HOGWARTS, HOGWARTS
HARRY, RON, HERMIONE:
--- I THINK WE'RE GOING BACK...
GINNY: Roooooooon! You were supposed to take me to Madam Mulkins and use those sickles mom gave
me for my robe fitting!
HARRY: Whos this?
RON: Ah, this is my stupid, dumb, little sister, Ginny, shes a freshman. Ginny, this is Harry... Potter
GINNY: Aaaah! Youre Harry Potter! Youre the Boy Who Lived!
HARRY: Yeah, and youre Ginny.
GINNY: Oh, its Ginevra.
HARRY: Ill just stick with Ginny.
RON: STUPID SISTER! *SMACK*
GINNY: WAAAH!
RON: Dont crowd the famous friend!
HERMIONE: Do you guys hear music or something?
HARRY: Music? What are you talking about?
RON: I think someones coming
CHOs POSSY:
CHO CHANG
DOMO ARIGATO, CHO CHANG
GUNG HEY FAT CHOY, CHANG
HAPPY HAPPY NEW YEAR, CHO CHANG
GINNY: Oh, whos that?
HARRY: (Lovingly) Thats Cho Chang.
RON: Yeah thats the girl Harrys been totally in love with since freshman year.

HERMIONE: Yeah but he wont say anything to her.

RON: Well yeah, you never tell a girl you like her. It makes you look like an idiot.
GINNY: Konichiwa Cho Chang, it is good to meet you. I am Ginny Weasley.
LAVENDER: Bitch I aint Cho Chang!
RON: Thats Lavender Brown! *SMACK*
GINNY: WAAAAH!!
RON: RACIST SISTER!
CHO: Oh thats alright. Im Cho Chang, yall!
HARRY: Shes perfect.
RON: Too bad shes dating Cedric Digory.
HARRY: Seriously, who the hell is Cedric Digory? (improvise if needed)
CEDRIC:
OH, CHO CHANG
I AM SO IN LOVE WITH CHO CHANG
FROM BANGKOK TO DING DANG
I SING MY LOVE ALOUD FOR CHO CHANG
HARRY: I hate that guy! I hate him!
RON: Are we gonna get those robes or not?!
GINNY: Ok, alright! Im coming!
RON: God, sister!
GOYLE: Present your arm, nerd!
NEVILLE: What? What?
GOYLE: INDIAN BURN HEX!
NEVILLE: AAAAAHHH!!
RON: Oh god, Crabbe and Goyle!
HARRY: Hey why dont you leave Neville Longbottom alone?
GOYLE: Well, well, well if it isnt Harry Potter. You think because youre famous you can boss everyone
around!
HARRY: I just dont think its cool that guys your size are picking on guys like Neville. I mean, come on!
GOYLE: Well you know what I think? I think glasses are for nerds! BREAK!! *Snaps glasses* WE HATE
NERDS!
CRABBE: And girls!
RON: (Scared) You dont mess with Harry Potter. He beat the Dark Lord when he was a baby!
HERMIONE: Alright, lets just all calm down. Occulus Repairo!
HARRY: Whoa! Cool!
HERMIONE: Now lets leave these babyish jerks alone!
MALFOY: Did someone say Draco Malfoy?
HARRY: Malfoy what do you want?
MALFOY: Crabbe, Goyle, go pay for my robes. So Potter, back for another year at Hogwarts are you? Maybe
this year youll wise up and hang with a higher caliber of wizard
HARRY: Listen, Draco, Ron and Hermione are my best friends in the whole world. I wouldnt trade them for
anything.
MALFOY: Have it your way. Wait! Dont tell me. Red hair, hand-me-down clothes, and a stupid complexion!
You must be a Weasely.
RON: Hey, Malfoy, lay off my sister, ok? She may be a pain in the ass, but shes my pain in the ass.
MALFOY: Well, isnt this cute? Its like a little loser family! Hogwarts has really gone to the dogs. But
luckily next year Ill be transferred to Pigfarts!

MALFOY:
THIS YEAR YOU BET IM GONNA GET OUTTA HERE
THE REIGN OF MALFOY IS DRAWING NEAR
ILL HAVE THE GREATEST WIZARD CAREER,
AND ITS GONNA BE TOTALLY AWESOME
LOOK OUT WORLD, FOR THE DAWN OF THE DAY
WHEN EVERYONE WILL DO WHATEVER I SAY
AND THAT POTTER WONT BE IN MY WAY, AND THEN
ILL BE THE ONE WHO IS TOTALLY AWESOME!
GOYLE:
YEAH YOULL BE THE ONE WHO IS TOTALLY AWESOME.
HERMIONE: Come on guys! Were gonna miss the train!
ALL:
WHO KNOWS HOW FAST THIS YEARS GONNA GO?
HAND ME A GLASS, LET THE BUTTERBEER FLOW
HARRY:
MAYBE AT LAST, ILL TALK TO CHO,
RON:
OH NO, THAT BE WAY TOO AWESOME
ALL:
WERE BACK TO LEARN EVERYTHING THAT WE CAN
ITS GREAT TO COME BACK TO WHERE WE BEGAN
AND HERE WE ARE, AND ALAKAZAM!
HERE WE GO, THIS IS TOTALLY AWESOME!
COME ON AND TEACH US EVERYTHING YOU KNOW
THE SUMMERS OVER AND WERE ITCHIN TO GO
I THINK WERE READY FOR
NEVILLE:
ALBUS DUMBLEDORE! OOOOOO
AHHHHHH.
DUMBLEDORE:
WELCOME, ALL OF YOU TO HOGWARTS
I WELCOME BACK YOU ALL TO SCHOOL
DID YOU KNOW THAT HERE AT HOGWARTS
WEVE GOT A HIDDEN SWIMMING POOL?
WELCOME, WELCOME, WELCOME HOGWARTS

WELCOME, ALL YOU HOTTIES, NERDS, AND TOOLS

NOW THAT I'VE GOT YOU HERE AT HOGWARTS
ID LIKE TO GO OVER JUST A COUPLE OF RULES:
DUMBLEDORE: My name is Albus Dumbledore and I am headmaster at Hogwarts. You can all call me
Dumbledore. I suppose you could also call me Albus if you wanted a detention. Ah, Im just kidding, Ill
expel you if you call me Albus.
ALL:
BACK TO WIZARDS AND WITCHES, AND MAGICAL BEASTS
TO GOBLINS AND GHOSTS AND TO MAGICAL FEASTS
IT'S ALL THAT I LOVE, AND ALL THAT I NEED.
AT HOGWARTS, HOGWARTS,
BACK TO SPELLS AND ENCHANTMENTS, POTIONS AND FRIENDS
TO GRYFFINDORS!
HUFFLEPUFFS!
RAVENCLAWS!
SLYTHERINS!
BACK TO THE PLACE WHERE OUR STORY BEGINS
ITS HOGWARTS, HOGWARTS,
DUMBLEDORE:
IM SORRY, WHATS ITS NAME?
ALL:
HOGWARTS, HOGWARTS
DUMBLEDORE:
I DIDNT HEAR YOU KIDS!
ALL:
HOGWARTS, HOGWARTS
HARRY:
MAN, IM GLAD IM BACK.
(End song.)
DUMBLEDORE: Welcome back to another magical year at Hogwarts. And a very special welcome to my
favorite student, Mr. Harry Potter,
GRYFFINDORS: WHOOOO!!
DUMBLEDORE: He killed Voldemort when he was just a baby. Hes even got that little lightning scar on his
forehead to prove it. And another very special welcome to our newest addition to Gryffindor, Mr. Ginny
Weasley. Excuse me, Ms. Ginny Weasley.
GINNY: Yeah, Im a girl. And, um, I thought we were supposed to be sorted by the, uh, Sorting Hat.
DUMBLEDORE: Well a funny thing happened to the Sorting Hat. He actually got hitched with another piece
of enchanted magical clothing. So he and the Scarf of Sexual Preference arent going to be back until next
year. Basically Ive just been putting any one who looks like a good guy into Gryffindor and anyone who

looks like a bad guy into Slytherin, and the other two can just go where ever the hell they want.
CEDRIC: Hufflepuffs are particularly good finders.
DUMBLEDOR: What the hell is a Hufflepuff?... Any way is it time for me to introduce my very good friend,
our own potions professor, Mr. Severus Snape!
RON: Ah man not Snape. I hoped they fired him.
GINNY: Whats wrong with Professor Snape?
RON: Uh, nothing hes just a little...
HARRY: Come on Ron hes really not that bad.
SNAPE: Harry Potter, detention!
HARRY: What?!
SNAPE: For talking out of turn. Now before we begin Im going to give you all your very first pop quiz! Can
anyone tell me what a Port key is? Ah yes Ms. Granger.
HERMIONE: A Port Key is an enchanted object that when touched it will transport the one or ones who touch
it to anywhere in the globe decided upon by the enchanter.
SNAPE: Very good. Now can anyone tell me what foreshadowing means? Yes Ms. Granger.
HERMIONE: Foreshadowing is a dramatic device in which an important plot point is mentioned earlier in the
story to return later in the story.
SNAPE: Perfect.
RON: Whats a Port Key again? I missed it. Oh god.
HERMIONE: (Repeat fast again)
SNAPE: And remember a Port Key can be a harmless object like a football or a dolphin.
LAVENDER: Professor? Can, like, a person be a Port Key?
SMAPE: No thats absurd! If a person were ever to touch themselves *look at RON* they would constantly
be transported into different places. A person can however be a horcrux.
HARRY: Whats a horcrux?
SNAPE: Im not even going to tell you, Harry. Youll find out soon enough.
HERMIONE: Professor what is the point of this quiz?
SNAPE: Oh no, no point in particular. Just important information that everyone should know. *points to
audience* especially you. Now moving right along, we have four houses in all. Gryffindor, Ravenclaw,
Hufflepuff...
CEDRIC: FIND!
SNAPE: What?... And Slytherin. Now traditionally points are given for good behavior and deducted for rule
breaking. Example: Ten points from Gryffindor! For Ms. Grangers excessive baby fat .
RON &HARRY: Thanks Hermione.
SNAPE: Traditionally, whoever has the most points at the end of the year wins the House Cup. However, this
year were doing things a bit differently. Here to introduce it is our new Defense Against the Dark Arts
professor, Professor Quirell.
HARRY: OW OW OW!
QUIRELL: The House Cup, a time honored tradition for centuriesMALFOY: Go home terrorist!
QUIRELL: For centuries the four houses of Hogwarts have competed for the honor and glory of holding the
title of House Champion. But where does this competition come from? And what are the roots of the
tradition?
HERMIONE: The House Cup tournament began with the first generation of Hogwarts students
QUIRELL: That was a rhetorical question.
DUMBLEDORE: Granger quit interrupting. Twenty points from Gryffindor.
RON: Thanks Hermione.
QUIRELL: As I was saying, when the tournament first originated it was one of a completely different sort.
One champion from each of the four houses will complete the series of dangerous tasks and challenges. The

winner will not only win the cup, but also win the eternal glory.
HERMIONE: Kind of like the Triwizard tournament.
QUIRELL: Yes sort of like the Triwizard tournament. Except no not like that at all. There are four houses,
how could it be the Triwizard tournament with four teams?
HERMIONE: Well, Professor, if I remember correctly the House Cup was disbanded after one semester when
one of the students was killed during the first task.
QUIRELL: Yes it is very dangerous but the rewards far outweigh the risk.
HERMOINE: I dont think you heard me. I just said someone died!
DUMBLEDORE: Hermione Granger shut your ungodly, lopsided mouth and quit interrupting! 20 more
points!
RON&HARRY: Thanks Hermione!
DUMBLEDORE: God! For a smart witch your age you can sure be a dumb ass sometimes. 10 points to
Dumbledore.
QUIRELL: Yes, yes well it will be very dangerous, but the winner will be remembered as a hero for ages to
come. And as the Professor of Defense Against the Dark Arts, I believe that this practical application is
exactly what the curriculum needs toVOLDEMORT: ACHOO!
QUIRELL: Bless you.
DUMBLEDORE: Did you turban just sneeze?
QUIRELL: What? No!
DUMBLEDORE: I couldve sworn I heard a sneeze coming from your direction, but your mouth wasnt
moving.
QUIRELL: Oh, that was simply a fart. Excuse me.
VOLDEMORT: ACHOO!
HARRY: OW OW OW! (etc.)
QUIRELL: I must be going now.
VOLDEMORT: ACHOO!
QUIRELL: Simply another fart.
DUMBLEDORE: For the House Cup a champion from each house will compete. Their names will be drawn
out from the cup. Snape would you do the honors please?
SNAPE: Yes Headmaster. First from the Ravenclaw house, Ms. Cho Chang.
CHO: Oh my god, I won!
SNAPE: And next from Hufflepuff, Cedric Digory!
CEDRIC: Well I dont find this surprising at all.
CHO: Good! Now I can spend more time with my beloved boyfriend.
CEDRIC: Im glad as well my darling.
HARRY: I hate that guy!
SNAPE: And next from Slytherin, Mr. Draco Malfoy.
MALFOY: HA! I finally beat you didnt I Potter? What do you think of that huh? Im the Champion this time!
DUMBLEDORE: Draco would ya sit down you little shit its just a title.
SNAPE: And finally from Gryffindor, oh my well isnt this curious. The one person in all of Hogwarts I have
a well known grudge against is suddenly in the tournament where he may very well lose his life.
NEVILLE: If its me Ill apologize to my fellow Gryffindors now for losing.
SNAPE: Sit down you inarticulate baboon. Its Harry Potter.
RON: WOOH! WOOH!WOOH! (etc.)
DUMBLEDORE: Well here they are folks the four Champions. Now I want all of you to start preparing
immediately because the first task is in 2 months and it could be anything. So lets get to it!
CHOS POSSE: CHO CHANG CHO CHANG!
MALFOY: Malfoy Malfoy...

RON: Harry, youve got this tournament in the bag.

HARRY: I dont man, Cedric Digory is pretty awesome NOT! He sucks! Im totally gonna win. Its in the
bag.
HERMIONE: I dont know, Harry
RON: Oh my god, Hermione! Shut up! Why do you have to rain on everybodys parade?
HERMIONE: Because, Ron, this is dangerous!
HARRY: Dangerous? Oh come on Hermione, how dangerous could it be? Especially for me!
HERMIONE: WhaYoure not invisible, Harry. Somebody died in this tournament.
HARRY: Im the boy that lived, not died! Duh! Whats the worst that could happen?
HERMIONE: And I dont know about that Quirell character. You know first he resurrects some horrible
ancient tournament. Then he bumps into you and your scar starts hurting. And you have to admit there was
something really funky about the back of his head.
HARRY: Come on think about it. Professor Quirell is a professor, and who hires professors
RON&HARRY: DUMBLEDORE!
HARRY: The smartest, most awesomest, most practical wizard most beautiful wizard in the whole world!
Why would he possibly hire someone thats trying to hurt me?
HERMIONE: Well what about Snape?
HARRY: What about him?
HERMIONE: Hes hate you for years! And hes hated your parents too. Harry everyone knows that. And he
just so happens to pick your name out of the House Cup out of hundreds if not (insert number) possible
Gryffindors?
HARRY: Yeah what a coincidence!
HERMIONE: No, Harry, I dont think it is a coincidence! When you defeated Voldemort you made a lot of
enemies. Ones you might not even know about!
HARRY: Alright, lemme get this straight. So youre saying that this tournament is just one big ploy to try and
kill me?
HERMIONE: I dont know! Maybe! Any way I just think its dangerous and I dont think you should do it.
HARRY: Alright, Hermione if it means that much to you, Ill drop out.
HERMIONE: Thank you Harry!
RON: Wait WHAT?! The House Cup? What about all the eternal glory youd win? Come on!
HARRY: Hey, eternal glory? Ive already got that. Besides, Neville will be a great champion!
RON: No! No! I do not want Schlombottom to be my champion!
HERMIONE: Look, Harry all you have to do- Look theres Dumbeldore, just talk to him now and say the
youre dropping out.
HARRY: Um, um, listen Hermione. Dumbledore and I are really, super tight and I dont want him to think Im
being lazy or disrespectful. So can you, why dont you just tell him? Tell him I want to work on school or
something, alright? Hey you got this one.
HERMIONE: Uh, yeah. Okay. Dumbledore?
DUMBLEDORE: Yes, Granger?
HERMIONE: I need to, uh, talk to you for a moment. Its about the H-House Cup. Um, well first of all I think
its an awful idea, but second of all I dont think Harry Potter should compete.
DUMBLEDORE: Granger why do you always have to be such a stick in the mud, huh? Pray tell me why
shouldnt he be in it?
HERMIONE: Uh, because he, uh, wants to study.
DUMBLEDORE: Granger, nobody studies a Hogwarts except for you.
HERMIONE: Ah, uh, ok well we wants to, uh, focus on the OWLS!
DUMBLEDORE: Why couldnt Harry have told me this himself? He thinks Im cool! Were tight!
HERMIONE: Uh, Professor, um Im a really bad liar ok? I think its a ruse, a setup. And I even think Snape
might be trying to kill Harry!

DUMBLEDORE: Severus Snape is one of the kindest, bravest, gentlest, sexiest man I have ever known!
Severus Snape is trying to kill Harry Potter just as much as hes trying to kill me!
SNAPE: Oh why Professor Dumbledore?
DUMBLEDORE: Ooo!
SNAPE: I just happened to be in the kitchen and I happened to make you this sandwich.
DUMBLEDORE: Why thank you Severus! You see, Granger? How thoughtful!
SNAPE: Here you are, Professor. Bombappetite, I mean Bo apptit! Beepbeepbeepbeepbeepbeepbeep! (etc.)
*ticking noises*
HERMIONE: Um, is that sandwich ticking?!
DUMBLEDORE: It look like its licking! Finger licking good!
HERMIONE: Professor I dont think you should eat the sandwich!
DUMBLEDORE: You ought to be nicer to Snape more often. You might even get a sandwich out of it!
Granger what the hell- GRANGER! What are you doing!
BOOOOOOOMMMM!!!!
DUMBLEDORE: Youve gone and exploded my sandwich!
HERMIONE: Im sorry sir!
DUMBLEDORE: Hey, even if I did believe that Harry Potter was in danger, he has to compete! You see that
cup? Its enchanted. Whos ever name gets pulled out of the Cup must compete or else things would get bad
HERMIONE: What do you mean bad?
DUMBLEDORE: Well, try to imagine your entire life stopping instantaneously and every molecule in your
body exploding at the speed of light.
HERMIONE: Total Platonic Reversal!
DUMBLEDORE: yeah so you see he has to compete. And Hermione if it makes you feel any better, the last
guy who died was a Hufflepuff so Ill keep my eyes open and nothings going to pass Ol Dumbledore! Now I
gotta go make myself another sandwich. Although I dont know how good its gonna be compared to the last
one! The last one ticked!
HERMIONE: Because it was a bomb! Harry, Im so sorry I think youre going to have to compete in the
House Cup Tournament. But dont worry, I wont rest until I find out what the first task is going to be!
RON: And Ill sabotage all the other champions so you win by default.
HARRY: Awesome.
MALFOY: Well, isnt this touching?
RON: Oh my god just butt out, Malfoy!
MALFOY: Goyle and I have a bet, you know. He bets you wont last 5 minutes in the Tournament. I disagree!
I say you wont last 5 minutes at Pigfarts!
HARRY: Okay, Malfoy, what is Pigfarts?
MALFOY: Oh? Never heard of it? Huh, figures! Famous Potter doesnt even know about Pigfarts!
HARRY: Malfoy, dont act like you dont want to talk about it! Thats like the nineth time youve mentioned
Pigfarts!
MALFOY: Pigfarts is only the greatest wizarding school in the galaxy. Its where Im being transferred next
year.
HERMIONE: Malfoy, Ive never heard of that.
MALFOY: Thats because Pigfarts is on Mars!
HARRY: You know, Malfoy, were trying to have a conversation here so
MALFOY: Oh, no Im not even here.
HARRY: So I thought we could find out what the first task is through Dumbledore
MALFOY: --Dumbledore? What an old coot! Hes nothing like Rumbleroar!
GOYLE: RUMBLEROAR!
HARRY: Anyway, I was saying
MALFOY: Rumbleroar is the headmaster at Pigfarts. Hes a lion who can talk.

HARRY: Malfoy, if you dont mind were trying to have a conversation here! I mean youre not even eating!
MALFOY: Well I cant help it if I can hear everything you say were the only ones in here.
HARRY: Come on, Malfoy just get out of here please?
MALFOY: Where are we supposed to go?
HARRY: Uh, I dont know, Pigfarts.
MALFOY: Ha ha ha. Now youre just being cute. I cant go to Pigfarts. Its on Mars! You need a rocket ship!
Do you have a rocket ship, Potter? I bet you do! You know, not all of us have inherited enough money to buy
out NASA when our parents died! Look at this! Look at this! Rocket Ship Potter! Oh! Oh! Moon Shoes
Potter! Traversing the galaxy for intergalactic travels to Pigfarts!
HARRY: Alright, this is the most misguided way to try and make me feel jealous ok? I dont care if you make
fun of me, but if you bring my parents into this its a whole other story.
MALFOY: Whoa! Not so fast! Crabbe! Goyle!
GOYLE: BACK OFF NERD!
HARRY: Im scared! Im scared!
MALFOY: Not so tough now are you, Potter? Maybe you should hang out with someone better than that
lollygagging ginger and his stupid, mud blood girlfriend!
HERMIONE: Oh that is it! JELLY LEGS JINX!
MALFOY: Oh come on!
GOYLE: HEY! NO FAIR!
HERMIONE: Take it back Malfoy!
MALFOY: Take what back?!
HERMIONE: Take back what you said about your stupid made up space school!
RON: Yeah and all that stuff about Hermione being my girlfriend. Thats not even a little bit true.
HERMIONE: And say youre sorry for calling me a you-know-what!
MALFOY: Im sorry!
HERMIONE: And you promise youll never do it again?!
MALFOY: I promise!
HERMIONE: Alright. Now next time we tell you to leave us alone, you better do it! Come on Harry, Ron lets
get out of here. Besides you already ate all my lunch
HARRY: Thanks Hermione.
HERMIONE: Yeah UNJELLIFY!
RON: Wow that was like the most badass thing Ive ever seen! Too bad no one was here to see it though. It
was like an outburst of pent up aggression. It was like ARG!
GOYLE: Wow That sucked royal hippogriff! We got beat by a girl! Whos a nerd!
MALFOY: I didnt mean what I said, you know. Pigfarts is real! Am I- Am I bleeding? Goyle?
GOYLE: *sniff sniff* NO!
MALFOY: I thought maybe maybe it was a little bit Wow, Ive never been pushed down like that by a
girl. Maybe I shouldnt call her a mud whatever!
GOYLE: I cant believe I couldnt figure out that the counter curse was unjellify!
MALFOY: Well Im not surprised. Come on, lets go watch Wizards of Waverly Place!
(End scene.)
SCENE II
QUIRREL: Fools! Theyre all fools! They think theyre safe. They think theyre back for another fun year of
learning shenanigans at Hogwarts. Little do they know of the danger lurking right under their noses. Or
should I sayOn the back of their heads! *Removes turban*
VOLDEMORT: AAAAHHHHH!!!! *starts coughing* I cant breathe in that damn turban!

QUIRREL: Im sorry, my Lord. Its a necessary precaution, for if they knew that you livedthat when Harry
Potter destroyed you, your soul lived on
VOLDEMORT: Yes, that when my body was destroyed, I was forced to live in the forbidden forest, eating
bugs and mushrooms and, ugh, unicorn blood
QUIRREL: Until I found you and let you attach yourself to my soul.
VOLDEMORT: Yes, nobody must know any of that. NowQuirrelGet me some water!
*Quirrel gets the water*
VOLDEMORT: Now, Quirrel! Pour it into my mouth!
*Quirrel pours the water into his mouth*
QUIRREL: Your plan to infiltrate Hogwarts on the back of my head is going swimmingly, my liege.
VOLDEMORT: Yes, yes, yes! Im done with the water! We must not have any more foul-ups like tonight in
the Great Hall.
QUIRREL: Im sorry my lord, you sneezed.
VOLDEMORT: I know that! Get me some Nasonex, you swine! *Voldemort and Quirrel use Nasonex* Wash
that turban! It tickles my nose!
QUIRREL: Yes, my dark king!
VOLDEMORT: Okay, just relax with the dark king okay? I watch you wipe your butt daily. You can call me
Voldemort; were there! Weve reached that point!
QUIRREL: Y-y-yes my Voldemort
VOLDEMORT: Now, QuirrelGet us ready for bed! We must be well rested if we wish to kill Potter!
Tonight in the Great Hall, he was so close, we could have touched him. Revenge is at my fingertips, Quirrel. I
can taste it! It tastes like*Quirrel drinks mouth wash* cool mint!
QUIRREL: Thats my Listerine, Voldemort.
VOLDEMORT: Yes, excellent! Well, umgoodnight, Quirrel.
QUIRREL: Goodnight.
VOLDEMORT: Okay, okay I cant do this! Youve got to roll over; I cant sleep on my tummy!
QUIRREL: But I always sleep on my back. I have back trouble. Its the only way Im comfortable.
VOLDEMORT: YOU ROLL OVER RIGHT NOW OR ILLILL EAT YOUR PILLOW! Youll be having
a dream that youre eating a giant marshmallow, but really youll wake up and your favorite goose-feathered
pillow will be missing!
QUIRREL: Fine, well compromise! Well sleep on our sides!
VOLDEMORT: Okay, I guess I can do this
QUIRREL: Well, goodnight.
VOLDEMORT: Goodnight, Quirrel..Hey, QuirrelHow long have those robes been on that chair?
QUIRREL: I think theyre from last night. I just put them there for now.
VOLDEMORT: Well, were you planning on putting them in a hamper? Whats your plan for these?
QUIRREL: I figured I would put them there for now and then put them away in the morning, okay?
VOLDEMORT: What?! No, no! No, thats not okay! I cant go to sleep knowing that theres dirty clothes on
that chair! The chair is going to start to smell like dirty clothes!
QUIRREL: Look, I promise Ill put them away in the morning!
VOLDEMORT: You put them away RIGHT NOW! I command you to get up andfold them at least! Make
it into a neat pile!
QUIRREL: Look, if were going to be in this situation a while, were going to have to learn to live with each
other. Ive been single for all of my life, so I have some habits. Sometimes I leave laundry around.
VOLDEMORT: Well I believe that everything has its place. Muggles have their place. Mud-bloods have their
place. And so do your clothes! Namely, A DRESSER!
QUIRREL: Well! Arent we an odd couple!
#2 DIFFERENT AS CAN BE

QUIRRELL:
YOU WON'T SLEEP ON YOUR TUMMY
VOLDEMORT:
YOU WON'T SLEEP ON YOUR BACK
VOLDEMORT & QUIRRELL:
WE'RE QUITE A KOOKY COUPLE YOU'LL AGREE
QUIRRELL:
WE SHARE SOME HANDS AND FINGERS
VOLDEMORT:
AND YET THE FEELING LINGERS
VOLDEMORT & QUIRRELL:
WE'RE JUST ABOUT AS DIFFERENT AS ANYONE COULD BE
VOLDEMORT:
YOU LIKE PLOTTING A GARDEN AND I LIKE PLOTTING TO KILL
QUIRRELL:
YOU THINK THAT YOU SHOULD RULE THE WORLD, I THINK BOOKS ARE A THRILL!
SIPPING TEA BY THE FIRE IS SWELL
VOLDEMORT:
PUSHING PEOPLE IN IS FUN AS WELL
I LIKE FOLDING ALL MY TIES
QUIRRELL:
AND YOU HAVE NO FRIENDS, HEY THATS A SURPRISE
VOLDEMORT & QUIRRELL:
I GUESS ITS PLAIN TO SEE
WHEN YOU LOOK AT YOU AND ME
WERE DIFFERENT
DIFFERENT
AS CAN BE
VOLDEMORT:
YOURE A SISSY, A TWIT A GIRL! IM THE DARKEST OF LORDS!
QUIRRELL:
IM THE BRIGHTEST PROFESSOR HERE, IVE WON SEVERAL AWARDS
VOLDEMORT:
MY NEW WORLD IS ABOUT TO UNFOLD
QUIRRELL:
YOU GOT BEAT BY A TWO YEAR OLD
VOLDEMORT:
ILL KILL HIM THIS TIME THROUGH AND THROUGH
QUIRRELL:
OR YOU MIGHT JUST GIVE HIM ANOTHER TATTOO
VOLDEMORT & QUIRRELL:
YOU REALLY MUST AGREE
WHEN YOU LOOK AT YOU AND ME
WERE DIFFERENT

DIFFERENT
AS CANVOLDEMORT:
ILL RISE AGAIN AND ILL RULE THE WORLD
BUT YOU MUST HELP ME RENEW
FOR WHEN OUR PLAN SUCCEEDS
QUIRRELL:
PREVAILS!
VOLDEMORT:
PART OF THAT WORLD GOES TO YOU
QUIRRELL:
WHEN I RULE THE WORLD ILL PLANT FLOWERS
VOLDEMORT:
WHEN I RULE THE WORLD ILL HAVE SNAKES
AND GOBLINS, AND WEREWOLVES, AND GIANTS, AND THESTRALS,
A FLEET OF DEMENTORS, AND ALL MY DEATH EATERS!
(QUIRRELL: AND JANE AUSTIN NOVELS)
VOLDEMORT & QUIRRELL:
WHEN I RULE THE WORLD!! HAHAHAHA!!!!
(End scene.)
SCENE III
HERMIONE: Harry, dont you think you try and figure out what the first task is gonna be? You could actually
die if youre not ready.
HARRY: What? Come on. I mean cant you just do it for me? Cant you just prepare all my stuff for me?
What are you doing right now?
HERMIONE: Im writing your potions essay
HARRY: Oh, well do that first cuz thats due tomorrow. But after that can you prepare for the first task,
please?
HERMIONE: Yeah
HARRY: Thank you, you are the best. You got it, thanks Hermione. Hey Ginny, come here. I wanna show you
something.
GINNY: Hey Harry Potter!
HARRY: Listen I wanna play this song Ive been working on. I met this girl that I really, really like. And I
want to let her know thats shes really special. So I just want to know what you think. Just for the purposes of
now Im gonna put your name where her name should be. But I doubt it will work out very well Just check
it out.
HARRY:
YOURE TALL AND FUN AND PRETTY
YOURE REALLY, REALLY SKINNY
GINNY
IM THE MICKEY TO YOUR MINNIE

YOURE THE TIGGER TO MY WINNIE

GINNY
WANNA TAKE YOU TO THE CITY
GONNA TAKE YOU OUT TO DINEY
GINNY
YOURE CUTER THAN A GUINEA PIG
WANNA TAKE YOU UP TO WINNIPEG
THAT IN CANADA!
GINNY GINNY GINNY GINNY--HARRY: You know what, it just doesnt work with your name. At all. It doesnt work. Well I dont know, how
does that make you feel? Emotionally?
GINNY: Wow! Wowee! Harry Potter!
HARRY: Dont you think it could make a girl fall in love with me?
GINNY: I think it already has.
HARRY: Awesome cuz its for Cho Chang!
GINNY: Oh yeah She is beautiful
HARRY: what are you nuts? Beautiful? More like SUPERMEGAFOXYAWESOMEHOT! Shes the coolest
girl Ive ever met!. Shes far more attractive, far more appealing, far more interesting than any girl that I
know. In my immediate group of friends.
RON: Sup Neville.
NEVILLE: Ow!
RON: Move, move, move, move, move. Awesome. So Harry I was just offstage hanging out with Hagrid. And
I saw these delivery wizards bringing in giant cages into the dungeons. I dont know what thats for.
HERMIONE: Giant cages! I bet whatever is in those cages has something to do with the first task! Harry we
have to find out what it is.
HARRY: hey, hey guys chill, Im busy.
HERMIONE: Give me that!
GINNY & RON: NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO!!!!!!
HERMIONE: Guys! Listen this could be a matter of life or death! Well it doesnt matter because its after
hours, ok? And we cant leave the Gryffindor House. And well probably get in trouble if we do. And even if
we do, Schlombottom over there would probably tell on us.
HERMIONE: Neville wont tell/
NEVILLE: Oh yes I certainly will!
RON: whatre we gonna do?
HERMIONE: Simple, guys. The Cloak!
RON: Of course
RON & HARRY: The Cloak.
GINNY: Wait, what cloak?
RON: SHUT UP!
GINNY: WAAAHHH!
HARRY: I got a present last year from someone last year. It was left to me by my dad. The dad thats dead.
My father is dead. My dead father. So we can solve mysteries and stuff with my Invisibility Cloak!
RON: YAH!!
GINNY: COOL! OH BOY! WOWEE HARRY POTTER! Ooh, ooh, ooh! Do you know what Id do if I had
an Invisibility Cloak?

HARRY: Id kick wiener dogs.

RON: Id pretend to be a ghost and I would scare people.
HERMIONE: Id use it so Id be able to avoid my reflection in the mirror.
GINNY: well I was actually going to say I would use it to fake my own death and watch people cry at the
funeral!
HARRY: ok, well anyway! Lets get outta here!
RON: Whoa, whoa, whoa! Where do you think youre going?
GINNY: Um, with you guys.
RON: No! No way! No kid sisters allowed ok? *slap*
GINNY: WAAAH!!
RON: Besides, theres only enough room in this cloak for three. So, come Hermione, come on.
#3 HARRY
GINNY:
THE WAY HIS HAIR FALLS IN HIS EYES
MAKES ME WONDER IF HELL
EVER SEE THROUGH MY DISGUISE
AND IM UNDER HIS SPELL
EVERYTHING IS FALLING AND I DONT KNOW WHERE TO LAND
EVERYONE KNOWS WHO HE IS BUT THEY DONT KNOW WHO I AM
HARRY, HARRY,
WHY CANT YOU SEE
WHAT YOURE DOING TO ME
IVE SEEN YOU CONQUER CERTAIN DEATH
AND EVEN WHEN YOURE JUST STANDING THERE YOU TAKE AWAY MY BREATH
AND MAYBE SOMEDAY YOULL HEAR MY SONG
AND UNDERSTAND THAT ALL ALONG
THERES SOMETHING MORE THAT IM TRYING TO SAY
WHEN I SAY
HARRY, HARRY, HARRY
WHY CANT YOU SEE
WHAT YOURE DOING TO ME
(End scene.)
SCENE IV
QUIRREL: Master, master! The shipments for the first task of the tournament have just arrived!
VOLDEMORT: Yes, I know, Quirrel. I hear everything that you hear.
QUIRREL: Isnt it wonderful, master? We made sure that Harry Potters name was drawn from the cup and
soon he will be ours!
VOLDEMORT: Yes, its really happening, isnt it Quirrel? You know, with the plan going so well, I feel like
maybe we should celebrate. What do you say, Quirrel? Hows about we go out? I hear its karaoke night down
at the Hogs Head.
QUIRREL: I dont knowI have all these papers to grade and Ive been giving so much attention to this

revenge plan that Im really behind

VOLDEMORT: Ah, come on Quirrel! Youve been working so hard all year! You deserve a night off.
QUIRREL: But the papersVOLDEMORT: Oh, just give them all B-s and be done with it!
QUIRREL: Now thats evil!
VOLDEMORT: Well, yeah thanks. I am the dark lord. Come on! Just a few drinks. Hey, well try to pick up
some chicks!
QUIRREL: I wouldnt know what to say. Im no good at that.
VOLDEMORT: Come on, itll be fun! You just move your lips and Ill do the talking..Quirrel! Man!
Listen, I may just be a parasite on the back of your head whos literally devouring your soul every time you
take a breath, but I can see that youre too good a guy not to have fun every once in a while. You deserve this.
QUIRREL: Well, if you put it that way, lets just go wild tonight!
VOLDEMORT: Yeah, thats the spirit Quirrel! Put on a fresh pair of wizards shorts and grab your tunic.
Quirrel, we are gonna get you laid. Seriously man, back when I had a body , whoo! I had mad game with the
bitches. Just ask Bellatrix Lestrange.
(End scene.)
SCENE V
RON: This cloak isnt as big as it used to be.
HERMOINE: Shh! Someones coming!
MALFOY: Did you just hear something?
GOYLE: No. Only quietMaybe one raindrop.
MALFOY: No matterTell me, Goyle. Who do you think is the ugliest girl in school?
GOYLE: UhOh, Buckbeak, for sure.
MALFOY: Crabbe?
CRABBE: Uh, how about Winky the House Elf?
MALFOY: Good oneobscure! You know who I think is the ugliest girl in the school? that Hermione
Granger. You know what Id give her, on a scale of one to ten, with oneone would be the ugliest and then
ten would be the pretty. I would give her an eight. An eight point five. Or a nine, at best. But not over a nine
point eight. Because there is always room for improvement. Not everyones perfect, like me. Which is why
Im holding out for a tenBecause Im worth it. Come on, lets go!
HARRY: Wow, what a bunch of jerks!
HERMOINE: Alright, forget them. Now where did you see those crates being delivered?
RON: I think I saw them being delivered to the auditorium, so they should be at the end of this hallway and to
the left. Look!
HERMOINE: A goat?!
HARRY: My God, I have to fight a goat?! I dont know if I can go that morally.
SNAPE: and the goats have all been sent for feeding time, Headmaster.
DUMBLEDORE: Feeding time?! Dragons dont want to be fed, they wanna hunt!
HARRY: Did he just say dragons?!
SNAPE: Did you just say, Did he just say dragons?!
DUMBLEDORE: I must have, because anyone else hiding in this room would have known to shut up
Potter.
SNAPE: Headmaster, do you really think its wise to have children fight dragons?
DUMBLEDORE: No, Snape, I dont think its wise to do anything anymore! Here I am, alive and well today,
and I can very well be killed by you tomorrow.
SNAPE: Why, thats absurd.

DUMBLEDORE: Lets go to bed. Have you ever seen my room? I have some pretty kickin posters on my
wall.
SNAPE: Well, I am rather tired.
HARRY: Man, I have to fight a dragon?! This is bogus! How am I supposed to fight a dragon? Im just a little
kid!
RON: Well, maybe it wont be that bad. Maybe youll only have to fight like Mushu from Mulan or
something. I dont know, maybe like Puff the Magic dragon or something.
HERMOINE: Guys this is serious, okay? Harry could die! Now look, theres still time. Maybe we can figure
out a plan.
HARRY: Okay, well we should probably do that back in the Common Room. Wait, wheres the invisible
cloak?
RON: Oh, I put it on that magical walking chair over there-oh, crap!
HARRY: Oh, thatsthats gonna be an issue.
(End scene.)
SCENE VI
VOLDEMORT: .hehehehehehe
QUIRELL: I thought walking home drunk was hard before.
VOLDE: You should have realized that the both of us drinking into one body we get twice as drunk!
Hehehehehehehe Hey Quirell! Quirell! Quirrel! Quirelly! Quirell! Quirell! You remember that girl you
were talking to? Well I was talking to her sister on my side!
QUIRELL: Oh! So thats why she freaked out when we stood up!
BOTH: Because they didnt know that were the same person!
QUIRELL: You know, I havent had that much fun since Nearly Headless Nicks Death Day party!
VOLDE: I havent had this much fun since Well shit I cant remember the last time I had this much fun!
QUIRELL: youve never had fun? Ever? Doing anything? Maybe thats why youre so evil.
VOLDE: Yeah maybe. Also might have to do with the fact that muggles and mudbloods make me sick to my
stomach! But, uh, yeah I guess you could be right. I guess I mean its kind of funny.
QUIRELL: What is it, Voldemort?
VOLDE: Oh its just that I never really considered another reason for me being so evil you know? Cuz
normally I just kill people who try to open me up! Whoops! Its kind of nice to just talk.
QUIRELL: Yeah you know I admit that I was nervous when you first demanded to attach yourself to my
soul.
VOLDE: Yeah, yeah I could sense that.
QUIRELL: But now I think its kind of cool. Its like having a really close roommate. Or even
VOLDE: Yeah like a slave! Like a Death Eater!
QUIRELL: No man! Its like having a friend.
VOLDE: Ive never had a friend before.
QUIRELL: Well looks like you got one now!
VOLDE: whod have thought at the beginning of this year, we would have felt like this for each other! I guess
everything is different between us now.
#4 DIFFERENT AS CAN BE (REPRISE)
QUIRRELL:
I GUESS ITS PLAIN TO SEE
WHEN YOU LOOK AT YOU AND ME
WERE DIFFERENT

DIFFERENT
AS CAN BE
VOLDEMORT & QUIRRELL:
WE SIMPLY GUARANTEE
WHEN YOURE LOOKING AT YOU AND ME
WERE DIFFERENT
DIFFERENT
AS CAN BE
QUIRRELL:
ITS A COMEDY OF SORTS
WHEN YOURE BOUND TO VOLDEMORT
VOLDEMORT:
AND IM HAPPY AS A SQUIRREL
LONG AS IM WITH MR. QUIRELL
VOLDEMORT & QUIRRELL:
WELL LEAD EM TO THE SLAUGHTER
AND WELL MURDER HARRY POTTER
WERE DIFFERENT
DIFFERENT
DIFFERENT, DIFFERENT
AS CAN BE!
(End scene.)
SCENE VII
SNAPE: The Hogwarts Champions will now enter the champions tent, in preparation for the first task.
HARRY: Man, I cant believe I have to skip lunch period for this stupid task
HERMOINE: Okay, Harry. Todays the day. The day you fight the dragon. Now did you read those notes I
wrote for you on dragons?
HARRY: No.
HERMOINE: Why not?!
HARRY: Are you kidding me? Theyre so boring.
HERMOINE: S-so you didnt read them. You didnt prepare at all? Youre not prepared at all?
HARRY: Hey, at least I have my wandum
HERMOINE: Here.
HARRY: Hey! Youre the best!
HERMOINE: Harry, justplease dont die today. I dont want to see my best friend get eaten by a dragon!
HARRY: Relax, okay? Save the tears for my funeral.
CEDRIC: So, tell me more about this Pigfarts. I find it to be very interesting!
MALFOY: Well, while youre there, you have to wear your space suit at all times because theres no
atmosphere on Mars. So, if a single docking bay door opens, youll probably die.
CEDRIC: My, how dreadful!
MALFOY: But, the good news is, if youre a good enough student, Rumbleroar lets you ride around on his

back!
CEDRIC: And hes the Headmaster lion?
MALFOY: Who can talk.
CEDRIC: Oh! Well, hello, Harry. How are you feeling today?
HARRY: Hey, Cedric. Im trying to stay positive
CEDRIC: Well, good! Im happy to find you in good spirits! Miss Granger?
HERMOINE: Hello
CHO: Sugar pie!
CEDRIC: My darling! Was that a kiss for good luck?
CHO: No, that was for being so cotton-pickin cute! This ones for good luck.
HARRY: I hate that guy
HERMOINE: Its okay Harry. Youre going to be great today.
DUMBLEDORE: Oh, God Granger I thought you were a boggart! Im terrified of thoseand what the hell
are you doing in the champions tent?! Get out of here, ten more points!
HARRY: Thanks, Hermione
DUMBLEDORE: Are you kids ready to fight a dragon? Of course not youre just children, what the hell
am I thinking? Well, outside this tent are thousands upon thousands of screaming fans and they're either going
to be cheering for you- or the dragon- but either way they'll be makin' some kind of noise! So- in order for the
selection process to be fair, I'm going to randomly select a cardboard cut-out size version of the dragon you
will be defeating. For you Cedric, Puff the Magic Dragon. Figment, the Imaginary DragonThe Reluctant
Dragonand for you Potter, the Hungarian Horntail most terrifying thing you'll ever see in your whole life!
HARRY: Hey! Ah! Oh my God!
DUMBLEDORE: Right, if there are no complaints I think I wannaHARRY: Hey wait hold on a second! This is terrifying, those are the cutest things Ive ever seen!
DUMBLEDORE: This thing is horrifying! Just use your imaginationDisapparate!
RON: My God, this competition is gonna suck. All these dragons are wimps! Accio- double stuff! Oh, look
at that oneOh my God a monster! Is that yours?!
HARRY: Yeah.
RON: Oh my God, its awesome. Let me hold it. Oh my God this thing is terrifying! I hope the real thing is
smaller. Rawr! Ferocious. What are you going to do?
HARRY: I dont know, Im not cut out for this kind of thing!
HERMOINE: Ron, this is the Champions Tent, you cant be in here!
SNAPE: Ms. Grangerwhat the devil are you doing in the Champion's Tent? Ten points from Gryffindor!
HARRY: UghThanks Hermione
RON: Thanks Hermione. Good luck buddy- Bye Snape!
SNAPE: ByeCedric Digorynow is your chance to faceyour dragon.
CEDRIC: Alright fellas wish me luck!
CHO: I believe in you!
CEDRIC: Thats all I needed to hear!
HARRY: Hey, Malfoy, tell ya what I'll let you switch dragons with me. I'll give you the chance to switch
dragons with me- I'll give you that opportunity. Alright, don't worry about itDRACO: Uhlet me think about it- No.
HARRY: Come on Malfoy, come on, I'll- I'll give you my Gushers!
DRACO: Oh no, I have a Fruit by the Foot, I don't want your Gushers.
SNAPE: Cho Changyour dragon awaits
CHO: Well, I can't imagine that this will be very hard
SNAPE: Oh I imagine, it won't!
CHO & SNAPE: Ahahaha!
HARRY: Malfoy, come on! Tell ya what, I'll throw in my Teddygrams with the Gushers- you can make little

Gusher- Teddygram sandwiches!

DRACO: Alright, you throw in that pack of Bugles and you've got yourself a deal!
HARRY: absolutely not.
SNAPE: Draco Malfoy
HARRY: Professor Snape, is there any way I can- I don't know, forfeit, or switch dragons- maybe just take a
day off- What-what-what're you doing?
SNAPE: I'm protecting you Potter, Welsh Greenbacks can't stand the taste of Hunt's Tomato Ketchup!
HARRY: But I'm not fighting a Welsh Greenback, I'm fighting a Hungarian Horntail!
SNAPE: Oh, silly me! Hunt's Tomato Ketchup is what Hungarian Horntails like best of allGood luck
Potter!
HARRY: What?
DUMBLEDORE: And now Harry Potter, the terrifying Hungarian Horntail, most terrifying thing you'll ever
see your whole life! It should be noted, that this particular dragon has not been fedin two weeks
HERMIONE: Come on, Harry
RON: Woo! Go Harry! You got it!
HERMIONE: Just think positive, you can do it! Harry- Harry- Harry!
RON: Ahhhh!
HARRY: Oh my God! A-a-accio guitar!
#5 HEY DRAGON
HARRY:
HEY DRAGON
YOU DONT GOTTA DO THIS
LETS REEVALUATE OUR OPTIONS
THROW AWAY OUR OLD PRESUMPTIONS
CAUSE REALLY
YOU DONT WANNA GO THROUGH THIS
IM REALLY NOT THAT SPECIAL
THE BOY WHO LIVED IS ONLY FLESH AND BONE
THE TRUTH IS IN THE END
IM PRETTY USELESS WITHOUT FRIENDS
IN FACT IM ALONE
JUST LIKE NOW
BUT ANYHOW
I SPEND MY TIME AT SCHOOL
TRYING TO BE THIS COOL GUY
I NEVER EVEN ASKED FOR
I DONT KNOW ANY SPELLS
STILL MANAGE TO DO WELL
BUT THERES ONLY SO LONG THAT CAN LAST FOR
IM LIVING OFF THE GLORY
OF SOME STUPID CHILDRENS STORY
I HAD NOTHING TO DO WITH
I JUST SAT THERE AND GOT LUCKY
SO LEVEL WITH ME BUDDY
I CANT DEFEAT THEE
SO PLEASE DONT EAT ME

ALL I CAN DO
IS SING THIS SONG FOR YOU
HARRY:
LALALALALA
DRAGON:
RARARARARA
HARRY:
LALALALALA LALALA
HARRY: Thats right Dragon
HARRY:
YOU NEVER ASKED TO BE A DRAGON
I NEVER ASKED TO BE A CHAMPION
WE BOTH JUST JUMPED ON THE BAND WAGON
BUT ALL WE NEED IS GUITAR JAMMING
HARRY:
LALALALALA
DRAGON:
RARARARARA
HARRY:
LALALALALA LALALA
HARRY: Goodnight Dragon
(End song.)
HARRY: One, two, three! I beat the dragon!
(End scene.)
SCENE VIII
SNAPE: Attention all Hogwarts students! Tonight is our annual Yule Ball. So please remember to pick up
your Yule Ball Wreath and give it to that special someone! AGH GINGER!
GINNY: Oh, hey Harry Potter!
HARRY: Oh hi Ginny.
GINNY: Fancy seeing you here huh?
HARRY: Well its the cafeteria so yeah.
GINNY: Um, so, um the Yule Balls coming up.
HARRY: Yeah I know it is very soonyeah
GINNY: Well were you thinking of going with anybody?
HARRY: I was! I was just waiting for the right time to ask somebody. I think that times about now so if you

got something to say just say it.

GINNY: *holds out wreath* AAAHH!
HARRY: oh is this for me? Oh Ginny how did you know that I needed a wreath so I could ask Cho Chang!
Youre the best!
GINNY: Aww oh you Harry Potter, just forget it!
HARRY: Alright I will! Cool! Hey! Hey Cho Chang listen. I know the Yule Balls coming up and I was
wondering if you wanted to go with me. But just in case youre on the fence about it you should know that A:
Im Harry Potter, B: I play the guitar, and C: I conquered that dragons heart with my guitar. So Im gonna
conquer yours.
#6 CHO CHANG
HARRY:
YOURE TALL AND FUN AND PRETTY
YOURE REALLY, REALLY SKINNY
CHO CHANG
IM THE MICKEY TO YOUR MINNIE
YOURE THE TIGGER TO MY WINNIE
CHO CHANG
YOURE CUTER THAN A GUINEA PIG
WANNA TAKE YOU UP TO WINNIPEG
THATS IN CANADA!
CHO CHO CHO CHO CHINA
CHING CHONG CHO CHANG!
HARRY: Whatever.
(End song.)
CHO: Well Harry Potter, bless your heart. Um, but Im gonna have to say no. That young strapping boy
Cedric Digory already asked me and I said yes. Sorry Come on girls! Lets go show Moaning Mertile our
ball gowns and remind her that she cant go!
RON: Hey there my buddy, hows it coming? Is that a Yule Ball wreath?
HARRY: Yeah
RON: Who are you gonna ask?
HARRY: Well I asked Cho Chang, but she turned me down for Cedric Stupidory.
RON: Really? Thats so great! I love him. They are so cute together!
HARRY: No!
RON: I hate him! I hate him so much. Oh my god he pisses me off. Wow. Man that sucks dude! I dont know
why shed turn you down, youre like the coolest guy in the school!
HARRY: I know! I dont get it! Im Harry Potter! I play the guitar! Im awesome!
RON: Want some?
HARRY: yeah I dont know man I guess Ill just go stag you know?
RON: Ill probably go stag too. Theres only two girls that I know that dont have dates already are Ginny
*Tongue noise with HARRY* and Hermione.
HARRY: Oh my god! *Tongue noise with RON*
RON: I am not going with my stupid sister.

HARRY: And I think Hermione as a sister so thats out.

RON: We are in such a puzzle.
NEVILLE: Ah, look at these strapping young men!
RON &HARRY: Hey Neville.
HARRY: Hey Neville, want this Yule Ball wreath?
NEVILLE: Yeah if youre willing to part with it I will take this from you.
HARRY: Hey Ron, lets go hang out with Hagrid. He can teach us how to dance and we can get in our dress
robes!
RON: That could only lead to disaster and hilarity! Lets go! And I dont think anyones asked Hermione
because shes so butt ugly! Shes hideous!
GOYLE: GIVE THAT PLANT NERD!!
NEVILLE: OK!
GOYLE: OH GOYLE RULES!
MALFOY: So any way! He was reluctant enough at first, but I lured him out of his cage with my Fruit-ByThe-Foot and beheaded it with a quick slicing charm! Goyle! What are you doing with that wreath?! What are
you going to ask someone to the Yule Ball?
GOYLE: No, dancings for nerds!
CRABBE: And pretty girls.
MALFOY: Right. You know the last girl Id ever ask to the Yule Ball would be? That Hermione Granger. Not
even if we were the last two people on Earth and she looked absolutely stunning her ball gown and every time
I looked at her I got butterflies in my tummy. Not even then. You know, they dont even have dances at
Pigfarts. All the noise would disturb Rumbleroars slumbering cubs.
GOYLE: Dancing is for pansies.
MALFOY: Hey you there whats your name?
PANSY: Pansy.
MALFOY: Perfect! Youre going to the Yule Ball with me! You see that dragon? (tell story again)
QUIRELL: The Yule Ball decorating crew! Just the Yule Ball decorating crew coming through. Last minute
decorations. My lord, the Yule Ball has finally arrived and I have brought the key!
VOLDE: Yes I know Quirell! I hear everything you hear!
QUIRELL: I am sorry.
VOLDE: No Im sorry I shouldnt have snapped. Im just nervous, thats all.
QUIRELL: Nervous?
VOLDE: Yes
QUIRELL: Why?
VOLDE: I dont want to talk about it if thats alright.
QUIRELL: Hey, its just me. You can tell me anything. You know that.
VOLDE: Yeah, yeah youre right. Im just nervous because weve been planning this night for so long and I
want everything to go perfectly. You know?
QUIRELL: Dont worry! Weve mapped out everything! Weve anticipated every little problem and
compensated for it. Weve even prepared what youre going to say to Potter when to see him! SO just cool
down. Relax. By the end of the night youll have your revenge and your body back.
VOLDE: Youre right. Youre right. Im being silly. But you know, Quirell over the last year Ive really grown
attached to you. No pun intended.
QUIRELL: Yeah I know what you mean. But hey well still hang out! Just because we wont be attached
doesnt mean well be two completely different people. No pun intended.
VOLDE: No, no of course not! Hey Quirell! We should make plans!
QUIRELL: Evil plans!
VOLDE: No, casual plans. Like uh, we could go rollerblading on a Saturday and see a movie that night!
QUIRELL: Itll be great because well both be able to watch for a change.

VOLDE: I bet it will be nice to sleep in our own beds. Not have someone behind you all the time.
QUIRELL: And have the privacy of my old life back again. The solitude
VOLDE: Whatever happens tonight, man, its been a blast!
QUIRELL: One crazy year!
VOLDE: * tongue thingy*
QUIRELL: Hey, promise well go rollerblading and see that movie.
VOLDE: Oh, man, I promise! Ok Quirell! Lets go plant that key and split! Pun intended!
SNAPE: Why Professor Quirell, what on Earth are you doing in the Great Dance Hall? Just moments before
the dance.
QUIRELL: Just decorating for the Yule Ball last minute decorations! Just one final touch!
SNAPE: A ladle?
QUIRELL: A very special ladle for a very special night for a very special punch.
SNAPE: And whats so special about it?
QUIRELL: Lets just say theres Squirt in it.
SNAPE: Squirt?! Is that not the favorite drink of one Harry Potter?
QUIRELL: Is it? I had no idea! Well we better be going!
SNAPE: We?!
QUIRELL: I! I better be going! Loud music hurts my ears!
SNAPE: Ok, well Ill see you later then.
QUIRELL: Or maybe you wont!
SNAPE: Oh maybe I will!
DUMBLEDORE: Excuse me! My fault. Hey Severus!
SNAPE: Oh, Headmaster.
DUMBLEDORE: What are you doing here? Youre not setting up punch are you?
SNAPE: Oh no, no, no! Theres Squirt in that.
DUMBLEDORE: Only Harry Potter likes that hog shit! Ill stick to my Redbull.
SNAPE: Well goodnight Headmaster.
DUMBLEDORE: Severus I saved this last dance for you.
SNAPE: Well I would Headmaster, but you see I have a date with an old friend whos coming back to town
tonight.
(End scene.)
SCENE IX
HARRY: Hey, Ron.
RON: Hey, whats up Harry. Have you seen Hermione anywhere?
HARRY: No, I haventWhy?
RON: Nothing, nothing. Its justI overheard Parvadi Patel telling Padma Patel that shed seen Hermione in
the girls locker room before just crying her eyes out in the bathroom stall
HARRY: Why?!
RON: I dont know. Isnt that like the saddest thing you ever heard? I mean I dont know its justIt was
inevitable that one day Hermione would realize that no guy is ever gonna like her, you know? I mean because
of her obnoxious personality, and her ugly face, and her misshapen body. But, you know, its just, I figured
that shed get in at least one night of happiness before she realized that shes gonna be growing old alone, you
know?
MALFOY: Hey are you two over here talking about Granger?
HARRY: Malfoy, get out of here. Its none of your business. Why dont you go dance with Pansy over there?
MALFOY: Hey, go get me some punch.

PANSY: OkayWait, I should tell you. Theres squirts in it.

MALFOY: Ugh, squirts? Never mind, Ill stay dehydrated! Go powder your nose or something!
PANSY: But I just put my makeup on a little while ago.
MALFOY: Trust me, you need more powderPain in the ass, right? So anyway, I noticed Grangers not
around here. Probably for the better too. Nobody would be able to keep their humus and peach chips down
with that ugly mug of hers dogging about.
RON: Why dont you give her a break for once okay Malfoy?
MALFOY: Why are you defending her Weasley? Have a crush?
RON: No! No, why all the insults, Malfoy? You covering up a crush?
MALFOY: Oh, yeah right. Right. Like I could ever have a crush on that stupid-Oh, my God!
#7 GRANGER DANGER
RON:
HERE I AM FACE TO FACE
WITH A SITUATION
I NEVER EVER THOUGHT ID SEE
STRANGE HOW A DRESS
CAN TAKE A MESS
AND MAKE HER NOTHING LESS THAN
BEAUTIFUL TO ME
I FEEL LIKE MY EYES HAVE BEEN TRANSFIGURED
SOMETHING DEEP INSIDE HAS CHANGED
THEY'VE BEEN OPEN WIDE, BUT HOLD THAT TRIGGER
THIS COULD MEAN . DANGER
I'M FALLING IN LOVE, FALLING IN LOVE, FALLING IN LOVE
I COULD BE FALLING IN LOVE, FALLING IN LOVE, FALLING IN LOVE
WITH HERMIONE GRANGER
DRACO:
WHAT? WHAT THE HELL IS THIS?
YOU EXPECT ME TO SING ABOUT HER?
DON'T CARE ABOUT HER
IT'S JUST A LITTLE MAKE UP
DRACO, WAKE UP
IM MISTAKEN
SHE--- IS THE HOTTEST GIRL I'VE EVER SEEN
NOW--- BECAUSE SHE'S LIKE A GIRL I'VE NEVER SEEN
DON'T KNOW WHY---- ID EVER BE SO MEAN, THIS COULD MEAN DANGER!
I'M FALLING IN LOVE, FALLING IN LOVE, FALLING IN LOVE
I COULD BE FALLING IN LOVE, FALLING IN LOVE, FALLING IN LOVE
WITH HERMIONE GRANGER.
MALFOY & RON:

I WANNA LET HER KNOW....

MALFOY:
I FEEL SO QUEEZY
MALFOY & RON:
BUT I CAN'T LET IT SHOW....
RON:
SHE'D LAUGH, POOR WEASLY
COME ONRON
DRACO:DRACO
TOGETHER:
YOU GOTTA LET IT GO, YOU GOTTA LET IT GO
MALFOY (OVERLAPPING):
WHAT? WHAT THE HELL IS THIS?
I WANT TO SING ABOUT HER
SING ABOUT HER
I WANT TO MAKE UP
GRANGER, WAKE UP
IVE BEEN MISTAKEN
SHE--- IS THE HOTTEST GIRL I'VE EVER SEEN
NOW--- BECAUSE SHE'S LIKE A GIRL I'VE NEVER SEEN
DON'T KNOW WHY---- ID EVER BE SO MEAN, THIS COULD MEAN DANGER!
RON (OVERLAPPING):
HERE I AM FACE TO FACE
WITH A SITUATION
I NEVER THOUGHT ID SEE
STRANGE HOW A DRESS
CAN TAKE A MESS
AND MAKE HER NOTHING LESS THAN
BEAUTIFUL TO ME
I FEEL LIKE MY EYES HAVE BEEN TRANSFIGURED
SOMETHING DEEP INSIDE HAS CHANGED
THEY'VE BEEN OPEN WIDE, BUT HOLD THAT TRIGGER
THIS COULD MEAN . DANGER
TOGETHER:
I'M FALLING IN LOVE, FALLING IN LOVE, FALLING IN LOVE
I COULD BE FALLING IN LOVE, FALLING IN LOVE, FALLING IN LOVE
WITH HERMIONE GRANGER.

WITH HERMIONE GRANDER.

WITH HERMIONE GRANGER.
DANGER!
(End song.)
RON: Oh my god! I cant believe it
HARRY: What?
RON: I just cant believe she is dancing with every guy but me. That is so stupid. Thats stupid.
HARRY: Why do you even care man?
RON: I dont! I dont care! I dont care! And thats what Im gonna go up and tell her! Im gonna say I dont
care what you do! And shes gonna feel so cuss stupid! She is gonna feel like such an idiot!
HARRY: Listen, Ron, youre acting like a real jerk, maybe you should go easy on the butter beer.
RON: No! NO!
HERMIONE: Hey guys!
HARRY: Hey Hermione! Hey you look great you look wonderful.
HERMIONE: Oh thanks! Yeah I used to think thinks werent important and now I think theyre more
important than anything! Its just Im having so much fun just dancing with every one!
RON: Wow Hermione when did you become so shallow?
HERMIONE: What is wrong with you, Ron?
RON: Nothing! Nothings wrong with me! Why dont you just go ask Schlombottom to dance, huh?
HERMIONE: You know what? Maybe I will!
RON: I showed her. I showed her so good!
HARRY: Wait a second! Wait a hot second! I know whats going on here! Youve got a crush! Alright Ron,
listen to me pal. Just call me crazy, but girls dont really like it when youre angry at them. Much less if you
shout at them. Now maybe you should go over there and tell her how much you care about her, ok? Maybe
you should ask her to dance.
RON: NO! No cuz then shed know that I like her! And you always know that you dont tell a girl that you
like them, it makes you look like an idiot!
HARRY: I know you look like an idiot every time you tell a girl you like her. Its inevitable. But its
something you have to do! What have you got to lose? We look like idiots any way in these dress robes! Look
at them! If we dressed like this in the muggle world we would get our asses kicked. You have nothing to lose!
I bet she wants to dance with you too. You just gotta you just gotta go give it a shot Cuz there might be
something you never even saw before! Like it was there the whole time you just didnt have the guts to say
anything
RON: Where are you going? Im still mad and sad.
HARRY: Hold on. HPs gonna take his own advice. Hey Ginny.
GINNY: Oh hey Harry
HARRY: Can I sit down?
GINNY: Um, yeah sure.
HARRY: Soooooo, hows Hogwarts?
GINNY: Its ok, I was actually really excited to come here, but now that Im here I just dont belong here.
HARRY: Yeah I totally know what you mean
GINNY: No you dont Youre Harry Potter.
HARRY: Yeah I know for 11 years I was this dumb kid that got the crap kicked outta me under some stairs.
And all of a sudden Im a wizard! I have all these powers! And everybody thinks Im cool all of a sudden. Its
weird its kind of isolatingIm sorry. Here I am complaining about being famous.
GINNY: I understand its like when you first got here nobody wanted to get to know you cuz they thought
they already knew you already. But eventually you will find people who want to get to know you for the real

you!
HARRY: You know, Ginny I feel like Ive already found someone and Im taking them for granted. So come
on you want to dance?
GINNY: Ok
HARRY: I gotta warn you, I learned all my best dance moves from Hagrid so Im not that great.
GINNY: Im sure youll be fine. Whoa! Harry Potter! I dont care what anybody says, youre the best dancer
that ever was!
HARRY: Well Ive gotta confession, these shoes are enchanted to be dancing shoes.
GINNY: WHOA! HARRY POTTER!
HARRY: Im just messing with you! Im just awesome at dancing!
RON: Ok, alright! When you really dance with Neville is where you cross the line! Take this beat it, get out of
here!
HERMIONE: What is wrong with you!
RON: COME HERE!
HERMIONE: OW! Why are you being so mean to me?
RON: Im not being mean!
HERMIONE: Ow! Yes you are! You know every day, everyone is trying to put me down and on the one day I
actually feel like a person youre trying to RUIN IT!
RON: Holy shit.
HERMIONE: WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU RON?!
MALFOY: Weasley! The lady said no!
HERMIONE: Not you too! You know I am so sick of both of you! I hate you both! *slap slap*
MALFOY: What did you say to her?!
RON: Nothing!
MALFOY: Im bleeding!
RON: Im bleeding! Look at this! Look what she did to me!
MALFOY: Look at this!
HARRY: Ginny, Ginny Im feeling kind of dizzy!
GINNY: Well maybe we should stop spinning. Its from all this spinning right?
HARRY: We have stopped spinning. Wait no! NO! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! I cant do this!
Youre Ginny Weasley! Youre my best friends little sister. Im sorry Ginny! I just cant Hey Cho! Come
on dance with me Im Harry Potter!
CEDRIC: Excuse me. I believe I was dancing with the lady!
HARRY: Yeah and Im cutting in!
CEDRIC: Well, I find that to be very rude.
HARRY: Alright Cedric, well why dont we FIND out what the lady has to say about it.
CHO: Boys theres no need to fight over little ol me! But Cedric says that you cheated on the dragon test.
HARRY: Cheated?! Are you kidding me?! That thing was trying to eat me I was in its mouth!
CEDRIC: Exactly! What went on in there? Id like to find out!
HARRY: Alright, that is it Digory we are dueling! Lets go!
CHO: All this excitement is making me thirsty!
HARRY: I can get you something to drink! I can get you some punch!
CEDRIC: No, Ill get the punch.
HARRY: No, Ill get the punch!
CEDRIC: Fine! Have the punch! I did it!
CHO: You did it!
HARRY: Cedric Digory Im gonna kill you!
EVERYONE: Port key. Port key. Port key etc.

(End scene.)
SCENE X
CEDRIC: Where are we?
HARRY: I dont know, Cedric. Someone punched me in the face and my sense of direction got a little goofed
up!
CEDRIC: Well, it seems clear to me now that that punch ladle was a port key. And now, thanks to you, weve
both been transported to some mystery location!
HARRY: Brilliant, Cedric. Well, youre a Hufflepuff. Why dont you find a way out of this place, okay?
CEDRIC: Harry, I think I found something! It appears to be a hedge stone! We must be in some sort of
graveyard. Tom Riddle, Mary Riddle, Toms RiddleRiddle me this, eh Potter?
HARRY: Cedric, I dont know about this place. I think we gotta get out of here.
CEDRIC: Harry, youre a Gryffindor! Wheres your sense of adventure?
HARRY: God, Cedric! Youre so annoying, okay?! Youre just this guy thats just around all the time when I
dont need a guy around! Youre the spare guy all the time! The spare dude! Youre such a spare!
VOLDEMORT: Kill the spare! Avada Cadabra!
CEDRIC: So many regrets! Im dead!
HARRY: Oh my wizard God!
QUIRREL: Not so fast! Patrifigas Totalis!
HARRY: Professor Quirrel, you just killed Cedric!
QUIRREL: Not I, Potter! But perhaps youd like to see who did! Hes dying to see you
VOLDEMORT: BLEAAAAAAAA!!!!! Harry Potter, the boy who lived! Its good to see you again.
SNAPE: The cauldron is ready, my lord!
HARRY: Cauldron? What are you guys gonna do, eat me?! Thats gross!
VOLDEMORT: Ah, as delicious a dish Id think youd make, Potter, Id need a stomach of my own to digest
you. But I havent got one of thoseyet.
SNAPE: Ahhhhhhhh!!! Detention, Potter!
HARRY: Detention?! Hes as big of a cuss hole as Snape is!
QUIRREL: It worked!
VOLDEMORT: *maniacal laughter*
#8 TO DANCE AGAIN
VOLDEMORT:
WHEN I WAS A BOY
AN ORPHAN BOY
ID LOVE TO MOVE MY FEET
ID HEAR A TUNE AND START TO SWOON
MY LIFE WOULD SEEM COMPLETE
THE OTHER BOYS WOULD LAUGH AND JEER
BUT ID CATCH EM TAPPIN THEIR TOES
CAUSE WHEN ID START TO SWAY, THEYD GET CARRIED AWAY.
AND OH, HOW THE FEELING GROWS
ID TAKE MY FOOT
MY LITTLE FOOT
AND WITH THAT FOOT
OH, HOW ID START TO SHAKE

ID TAKE TWO FEET

TWO TINY FEAT
HEY LOOK! THATS NEAT!
ITS COMING TRUE
I FINALLY GET TO DANCE AGAIN! WAHOO!
TO DANCE AGAIN
IVE BEEN WAITING ALL THESE YEARS
TO DANCE AGAIN
NOW, AT ONCE, A CHANCE APPEARS
TO HEAR THAT BEAT, SO ON YOUR FEET
ITS TIME TO DANCE AGAIN!
(spoken) Cmon potter! Imperio!
YOU TAKE YOUR FOOT
YOUR LITTLE FOOT
HEY LOOK! YOUR FOOT!
SEE HOW IT STARTS TO SHAKE
QUIRRELL:
OOH TRY HIS ARMS!
HOW ABOUT A TWIRL!
HES LIKE A GIRL!
HOW OVERDUE!
I FINALLY GET TO DANCE AGAIN WITH YOU!
VOLDEMORT & QUIRRELL:
TO DANCE AGAIN!
IVE (YOUVE) BEEN WAITING ALL THESE YEARS
TO DANCE AGAIN
NOW AT ONCE A CHANCE APPEARS
ITS LOVELY SWAYING, AND THE MUSICS PLAYING
SO COME ON! LETS DANCE AGAIN!
VOLDEMORT: EVERYBODY!
DEATH EATERS:
I TAKE MY FOOT!
(VOLDEMORT: YOU TAKE YOUR FOOT)
MY LITTLE FOOT!
(VOLDEMORT: TAKE THAT LITTLE FOOT!)
AND OH MY FOOT!

(VOLDEMORT: LEMME HEAR IT NOW!)

LOOK HOW IT STARTS TO SHAKE
OH, VOLDYS BACK
(VOLDEMORT: HELLO WORLD!)
FOR THE ATTACK
(VOLDEMORT: IM GONNA GETCHA!)
HELL TAKE OVER THE WORLD, ITS TRUE
BUT FIRST THERES SOMETHING HES GOTTA DO
ALL:
HE'LL DANCE AGAIN!
HES BEEN WAITING ALL THESE YEARS
TO DANCE AGAIN
NOW AT ONCE A CHANCE APPEARS
VOLDEMORT:
EVERYBODY MAKE WAY FOR A PAS DE BOURRE
ALL:
IT'S TIME TO DANCE
IT'S TIME TO DANCE
ITS TIME TO DANCE AGAIN!
(End song.)
BELLATRIX: My Dark Lord! You look fabulous!
VOLDE: Bellatrix Lestrange!
BELLA: Oh my Liege! Tell me its going to be like the old days again! Nothing but torture, murder, and make
love!
VOLDE: Oh the old days are back baby!
BELLA: I cant tell you what it was like without you!
VOLDE: Well Im never going again! Because Ive conquered death! And my first pleasure will be to kill
Harry Potter! Next, to take over the ministry of magic. Then rule the world! For all time!!
Mwahahahahahahaha!
BELLA: And you will my Lord! But not yet for now we must stick to the plan. We blame Potters death on
Quirell so that your return may be a secret. The deatheaters are prepared to take on the entire ministry of
magic. Much less Dumbledore and the Order of the Phoenix.
QUIRELL: Im sorry! Voldemort, what was that about me going to Azakaban for Potters murder?
BELLA: You shall refer to him as my Liege, my Lord, or my Dark Lord Only!
VOLDE: No, no, no Bellatrix its cool. Quirells cool! Over the last year hes proven himself to be a very
good frA very good servant to the will of the Dark Lord.
QUIRELL: Oh I see! So youre Thomas Jefferson and Im your Sally Hemmings is that right?
VOLDE: No! Quirell that came out wrong. Its not like that.
QUIRELL: Oh isnt it?

BELLA: Silence slave! Crucio!!

QUIRELL: *screams, writhes on floor, etc.*
BELLA: Whats the matter? He is your pawn! You are his Queen! It is an honor to serve the Dark Lord no
matter what the task!
VOLDE: Are you alright?
QUIRELL: Did you really know the whole time that youd blame Potters murder on me?
VOLDE:Yes. I knew. But things have changed over the last year! I feel different now!
QUIRELL: Dont touch me!
VOLDE: How do I explain this? Its like that movie Shes All That! We watched that together! Remember in
the end how Freddy Prince Jr. turns out to be good?
QUIRELL: NO! I didnt see the end because you were watching it while you were on the back of my head
sucking out my soul!
VOLDE: Well I wish there was another way! But Ive got to take over the world!
QUIRELL: Ill let you know now that its going to be pretty hard to have that roller blading date in Azkaban!
BELLA: Death eaters take him away! And now you have what youve waited for for so long!
VOLDE: What?
BELLA: Your chance to kill Harry Potter!
VOLDE: Yes Kill Potter! AWhoa whered he go?
HARRY: Youre not killing me today! But Ill tell you what! Ill get you some punch!
EVERYONE: Port key, port key, etc.
GINNY: Oh my Rowling! What happened Harry Potter?
DUMBLEDORE: Harry what the hell are you doing on the floor? You missed the raffle!
SNAPE: The graveyard
HARRY: Its Voldemort! Its Voldemort! HES BACK!
(End scene.)
(End ACT ONE.)
ACT TWO
SCENE I
NEWSPAPER SALESMAN 1: Extra! Extra! Read all about it! Harry Potter, the boy who beat Voldemort,
now says hes back!
NEWSPAPER SALESMAN 2: Daily Prophet! Get your Daily Prophet here! Harry Potter versus Voldemort,
round two!
NEWSPAPER REPORTER 3: Minister of Magic Cornelius Fudge makes a statement!
FUDGE: Ive heard these Voldemort rumors and I for one simply dont believe it.
NEWSPAPER SALESMAN 2: Voldemort blogs about it on his new Floo-tube channel!
VOLDEMORT: Im gonna find Harry Potter and Im gonna cuss his cuss.
NEWSPAPER REPORTER 2: Also does a review on 17 Again!
VOLDEMORT: Well, it was a little slow in the beginning but come on! Its Zac Efron! Zefron! Nuf said!
FUDGE: Ive seen these so-called posts and I still dont believe it. This is a ruse! Youve all been
hoodwinked!
NEWSPAPER SALESMAN 4: Professor Quirrel confesses to the murder of Hogwarts student Cedric Digory!
Receives life in Azkaban!
HARRY: This totally sucks, man.
RON: This is horrible.

HARRY: Yeah, I know. I mean, look at this. Its terrible. Harry Potter versus Voldemort, the fight of the
century.
RON: No, its not that! Its Hermione! Its just likeI cant get her out of my head, and every time I look at
her I get these pains in my chest and I know its her fault, that cuss! Im just not cut out for this, Harry, Im
not.
HARRY: Yeah, I know what you mean. Its like when youre trying to save the whole world and the whole
world is just against youRON: No, no, no, no! This isnt about you. Why does every conversation we have have to turn into Potter
talk?!
HARRY: Its not Potter talkRON: No, no! Im miserable! And all you can do is talk about yourself! Youre like the most self-absorbed
guy I know. If you were miserable, Id be there for you. But you wont even listen to me, and Im sick of it.
So good luck with whatever you were talking about. And I hope that you and Voldemort live happily ever
after. Me, Im never going to be happy again. So, Im just going to curl up in my sock drawer and sleep for
days.
HERMIONE: Were you just talking to Ron?
HARRY: Yeah I was trying to talk to him about Voldemort.
HERMIONE: So did he say anything about me?
HARRY: Yeah he said one or two thingsHERMIONE: Well, was one of them an apology for how he treated me at the Yule ball?
HARRY: Um, yeah I heard about that. Listen I was wondering maybe if you heard a little something uhVoldemort is back, Cedric Digory is dead, Professor Quirrel was crazy, and now I have to save the world! Did
you hear that, Hermione?!
HERMIONE: Actually I have heard those things Harry. About a thousand times. But never had they been told
to me with so much sass. Drop the attitude, Harry Potter! You are acting like Garfield on a Monday.
HARRY: *gasp* Well, dont you think I have the right to be a little stressed out?!
HERMIONE: Well, no! No I dont! You know, this is just like with the dragon. I stressed out, I told you to
prepare, and yet you didnt do anything and you were fine! You just played your little guitar. I dont know
what youre crying about, Harry. This is just like you defeated Voldemort when you were a baby.
HARRY: Hermione, come on. Youre supposed to tell me to go to the library and figure this stuff outHERMIONE: You know what, Harry? I dont do that anymore.
MALFOY: read it and weep, Potter! I heard Voldemorts back. And hes trying to kill you; what do you think
about that, Moonshoes?
HARRY: Malfoy, I honestly dont see why youre so happy about this. If Voldemort is back, which he is, you
might as well kiss Hogwarts goodbye. You might as well kiss the whole planet goodbye.
MALFOY: Kiss the planet goodbye? Having second thought about Pigfarts, are you?
HARRY: Malfoy, youre the last person I want to talk to right now, okay?
MALFOY: You know what? As soon as youre out of the way, Ill be the coolest kid in school.
HERMIONE: Malfoy that will never happen. Everyone hates you.
MALFOY: Oh, yeah right, okay. This coming from Hermione Stranger.
NEVILLE: Take this! Expelliarmus!
MALFOY: Stop staring! Stop it!
SNAPE: What the devil is going on here? Draco Malfoy, pull those trousers up at once!
MALFOY: But, I didnt
SNAPE: I dont want to hear it! I need to see you in my officenow!
MALFOY: This is all your fault, Potter! Youll pay for this! Youll all pay!
HARRY: Hey, Ginny whats up? I hope you have something to say about Voldemort.
GINNY: no.
HARRY: whatever

GINNY: Um, hey Harry? So, we kissed at the Yule Ball and well I thought we were gonna be together
foreverBut were not.
HARRY: Yeah, that uh pretty much sums it up.
GINNY: Whats going on?
HARRY: Ginny, this is whats going on. Dont you get it? Everyone is in danger. You cant be with me
because if Voldemort is back, which he is, youd be in mortal peril. Its just like the Spiderman movie-havent
you seen that? MJ and Peter Parker cant be together.
GINNY: But, the whole point of Spiderman 2 is that MJ and Parker could be together in the end.
HARRY: Yeah, but the point of Spiderman 3 is that everything sucks and that falls to cuss! Ginny, what Im
trying to say is, I dont want my life to be like Spiderman 3. I hated that movie. Im sorry, thats just my little
way of saying we cant be together. Sorry, Ginny.
GINNY:Im such an idiot!
HARRY: Ugh, I need a butterbeer.
DUMBLEDORE: Hey, psst! Potter! Hey, its me!
HARRY: Who are you?
DUMBLEDORE: Its Dumbledore.
HARRY: Oh!
DUMBLEDORE: Listen, Harry, I got some very important things I gotta tell ya.
HARRY: About Voldemort?!
DUMBLEDORE: Yes, these are some absolutely crucial things you need to know, but I cant get into it right
now. I need you to meet me in my office at ten o clock, and come by yourself! Bring that invisibility cloak
with you and dont go blabbing your little mouth about this to anyone! Voldemorts spies could be anywhere,
even inside of Hogwarts! For now on, Harry, the only person you can trust is meand Severus Snape.
HARRY: Listen, Dumbledore, I know you dont want to hear this but Im not so sure about Snape . In fact,
Im pretty sure hes working for Voldemort.
DUMBLEDORE: What?! Thats stupid-youre stupid!
HARRY: No, actually Im positive. That one night in the graveyard, some death eater cuts off his hand and
Snape shows up without a hand
DUMBLEDORE: Snape has assured me that he lost his hand in a completely unrelated incident.
HARRY: Why do you trust Snape so much?
DUMBLEDORE: Because I love him.
HARRY: ProfessorDUMBLEDORE: I dont want to hear anything else about it! There is no way that Snape was, is, or ever shall
be a servant of Voldemorts.
(End scene.)
SCENE II
SNAPE: All hail Voldemort!
DEATH EATER 1: Severus Snape what are you doing here?
DEATH EATER 2: Got tired of being on Dumbledores lap?
DEATH EATER 1: I ought to Jelly legs jinx you right now traitor!
SNAPE: Dont be goofy with me. Im here to see Voldemort.
DEATH EATER 2: How do we know this isnt some Order of the Phoenix practical joke. I thought you
deserted the death eaters when Voldemort lost his body.
DEATH EATER 1: Or were you always a spy for Sumblesore?
DEATH EATER 2: Fumblefore! Bumblebore! I heard you had your dark mark laser surgically removed.
SNAPE: Oh well if you two know so much about me, you write a biography. Snape: The Double Agent!

Thats right, Ive always been a servant of Voldemort. Ive just been working undercover. Finding out
valuable information such as the inner workings of Hogwarts. The secret of the Order of the Phoenix. And
finding out exactly what a true Hufflepuff is any way. Ive seen things no Slytherin should see. So if you
wouldnt putting each others feet in each others mouths, Im going to go see my master now.
DEATH EATERS: Of course, right away Severus.
SNAPE: Good! Ill be in the drawing room. Painting a picture of the stupid looks on your faces.
BELLA: Then after sneaking into the Department of Mysteries well enchant
DEATH EATER 1: Excuse me
BELLA: WHOA?! WHOA! WHOA-HO-HO! Excuse me! I was in the middle of plotting! Where was I
The statues will occupy the guards in the main lobby while you and I sneak into the ministers office where
you will be one killing curse away from complete control of the entire wizarding world! How does that sound
my Lord? My Lord? Voldemort?
VOLDE: Ah yeah! Gringotts! Thats great! Poly juice potion always very classy. Im sorry what are we
talking about?
BELLA: Did you hear any of my evil plans?
VOLDE: Well, um, the details are a little fuzzy but you did have an evil tone.
BELLA: Hes all yours.
VOLDE: Bellatrix! Come back! Dont be like this! Oooohhhhh Now two people are mad at me What?
DEATH EATER 2: Sir, Severus Snape is at the door and importunes access to you.
VOLDE: Severus Snape? Send him in.
SNAPE: Is that a new body my Lord? You look absolutely ravishing.
VOLDE: Severus. For such a super secret spy you are a terrible liar. Im a wreck! You better have good news.
SNAPE: My Lord, you know how for years weve been trying to get death eaters into the grounds of
Hogwarts *Pokes Voldemort with hook*
VOLDE: Ow!
SNAPE: Well I think Ive finally discovered a way how.
VOLDE: Well by all means Snape, tell me!
SNAPE: Well I cant.
VOLDE: Cant? Tease! Why not?
SNAPE: I made an unbreakable vow not to let any death eaters in.
VOLDE: Unbreakable vows I hate those.
SNAPE: I know but I had to do it to convince Dumbledore of my loyalty.
VOLDE: Yes Snape I understand. If you cant help what do you purpose we do?
SNAPE: Well I cant tell you, but Ive brought along someone who can.
MALFOY: All hail Lord Voldemort.
VOLDE:(laughing) Luscious Malloys boy? Are you serious?
MALFOY: Its Malfoy.
VOLDE: Help from a child, youve got to be kidding me! Dont make me laughing Im peeing!
MALFOY: If this homemade dark mark wont convince you then at least hear me out.
VOLDE: Ok! How so you purpose you get my death eaters into your little daycare center. And dont suggest a
giant slide or a trampoline! Cuz weve already tried those
MALFOY: The vents! Your death eaters shall enter through the ventilation system of Hogwarts.
VOLDE: Duh! The vents! How do we find these vents?
MALFOY: Oh Ill tell you how to get to the vents, but first we discuss the subject of payment.
VOLDE: Ah the catch. Theres always a catch. Theres nothing in this world as cruel and demanding as the
soul of a catch. What do you want Malloy?
MALFOY: I want a galaxy traversing rocket ship with enough fuel to get me to Mars!
VOLDE: What do you want with a rocket ship? What business do you have on Mars?
MALFOY:

Well, lets just say

Pigfarts, Pigfarts here I come
Pigfarts, Pigfarts yum ,yum, yum!
SNAPE: In all respect for my Lord theres one tiny flaw in the flawless plan. Albus Dumbledore.
VOLDE: youre right Snape! Normally Id say Ill kill him!. But I havent been feeling so evil lately. So
heres how its gonna break down Millfoy. I need your guarantee that youll lead my death eaters into
Hogwarts. I will simultaneously be attacking the Ministry of Magic. Now I need you to promise that by the
end of the siege at Hogwarts Dumbledore will be dead! Leave Harry Potter for me, but Dumbledore must die.
Do we have a deal?
MALFOY: We shall shack on it. An Unbreakable vow Oh well I dont want
VOLDE: By the end of tomorrow night Albus Dumbledore will be dead?
MALFOY: Yes. And Ill have my rocket ship?
VOLDE: When the technology is available.
MALFOY: and you have to be my slave for a whole day starting now!
VOLDE: NO!! You little shit! You got me! Oh that is so embarrassing! Thats the second time that thats
happened! Thats why I hate unbreakable curses!
MALFOY: Oh there are so many things Im going to have you do for me! Ill be busy with the murder!
*starts to sing lights go down*
(End scene.)
SCENE III
HERMIONE: Harry, why would Dumbledore want to meet us so late at night?
HARRY: Hes got some information to tell me about Voldemort. Did you bring the invisibility cloak?
HERMOINE: Yeah, Ive got it right here, but I dont seeRON: Alright Harry, this better be good because I dont have a snack and Im missing Wizards of Waverly
Place for this okay? So what do we have to do thats so da-*band member hands him snack* Oh my God,
thank you. I love Hogwarts.
HARRY: Hogwarts is amazing.
HERMIONE: You know what, Im leaving!
HARRY: No, no, no, no, no! Youre not. No, youre not. When I said I needed your help, I meant both of you,
so you guys have to get over these hurt feelings before somebody gets hurt, okay? Now come on.
DUMBLEDORE: Hello, Harry. Oh, cuss it! I told you to come by yourself! Whyd you bring the fans?
HARRY: But Dumbledore, Ron and Hermione are my best friends. If this information is as important as
youre saying, they have the right to hear it.
DUMBLEDORE: Well, Ive been wrong before. Get in here, hot legsI was talking to Weasley! Sorry the
place is such a sty.
RON: Oh. My. God. That is a boss Zefron poster.
DUMBLEDORE: Isnt he the greatest? You know, in everything Ive ever seen him in; he just seems like
such a charismatic humanitarian.
HARRY: You think you like him? Well youre wrong because I love him the most. Harry Potter loves Zac
Efron more than anyone else on the planetAnyway, no, thats not what we were talking about! We were
talking about Voldemort.
DUMBLEDORE: Not necessarily about Zefron because everyone knows that I like him the most, but uh
about the Dark Lord. If you want to defeat this guy, youre going to have to know about Horcruxes.
HARRY: Whats a horcrux?
DUMBLEDORE: A horcrux is the most terrifying piece of magic a wizard can create. Actually, its when a
wizard takes a piece of his soul and puts it into something else.

HARRY: Why would anybody ever want to do that?

DUMBLEDORE: Harry, if you have a horcrux you can never truly die. Your body can be dead but your soul
can live on.
HERMIONE: Oh, it makes sense now, Harry! Everyone knows that the night your parents were killed
Voldemort was destroyed, but somehow he survived. He must have a horcrux.
DUMBLEDORE: He didnt just have one horcrux! He had six of em! Ive already killed the first five for ya
so dont worry about that. But you guys have to find the last one with this!
HERMIONE: The sword of Godric Gryffindor! Godric Gryffindor was one of the four founders of Hogwarts!
If anything can destroy a horcrux, that sword is it.
RON: This thing is so cuss awesome. Oh my God, every wizard should have a sword like this, not these
stupid drumsticks! Forget about em! Ya! Ya!
HARRY: Alright, we know what a horcrux is, thats all well and good. But how do we find one? Where are
they?
DUMBLEDORE: You find them with this. Looks like g-unit bling, but it is actually a horcrux-seeking
medallion.
HARRY: Thats a horcrux-seeking medallion? That sounds a little too convenient.
DUMBLEDORE: Oh, so you have no problems with a Time-Turner but not a horcrux-seeking medallion.
HERMIONE: But, if he has this piece of bling then why are Ron and I even here?
RON: Yeah, Voldemort isnt any of our business.
DUMBLEDORE: Hermione Grangerwhen one of youse has gots a problem, then all three of youse has gots
a problem! What would Zac Efron say at a time like this? Were all in this together! Anyway, you gotta find
the Horcrux and destroy them. Thats the only way to beat the dar-Oh! It must be the death eaters! Theyre
coming to kill me! Kids, get your beards on!
HERMIONE: But we dont have any beards.
DUMBLEDORE: I thought I told you to bring beards!
HARRY: You only told me to bring the invisibility cloak!
DUMBLEDORE: Oh, well put that on. Its not a beard.
DEATH EATER: Hey, are you Dumbledore?
DUMBLEDORE: No, no you see Ive got this beard on.
DEATH EATER: Well, have you seen him?
DUMBLEDORE: I thought I saw someone over there by that mirror, but I could have just been imagining
what Id look like without this beard.
DEATH EATER: Alright, everyone. Spread out and look for Dumbledore. Hes gotta be here somewhere.
DUMBLEDORE: Be careful of the Zac Efron poster. Its an antique.
DEATH EATER: Why do you care so much about Zefron?
DUMBLEDORE: I just appreciate his charmsand hair.
HARRY: And everyone knows I like him the best!
RON: Oh my God, shut up.
DEATH EATER: What was that?
DEATH EATER 2: I wish that I could say that it was me, because I feel that I love Zefron the mostBut it
was definitely a voice from within this room.
DEATH EATER: Is it an invisible man?
DEATH EATER 2: Could the predator be in the room?
DEATH EATER: Begin invisible man search!
DUMBLEDORE: Alright, its me. Its Dumbledore
DEATH EATER: Dumbledore, whered you come from?!
DUMBLEDORE: The man with the beard turned me in.
DEATH EATER: Now weve got you right where we want you!
DUMBLEDORE: Yes, but what I dont understand is how.

DEATH EATER 2: We had the help of a man on the inside. Someone you trusted. Someone you may have
even loved.
HARRY: Slughorn?
DUMBLEDORE: Aberforth, my brother?!
MALFOY: No! It was me.
DUMBLEDORE: Malfoy, ya little cuss!
MALFOY: Thats right Dumbledore. I betrayed everyone. And now Im going to kill you.
DUMBLEDORE: Oh, no youre not. Draco, if you were going to kill me, you would have done so already.
MALFOY: N-no, no! Not necessarily true! I just wanted to offer you one more game of connect four before I
offed you.
DUMBLEDORE: Draco, there are other options. You know, it's time that you looked inside yourself and
figure out what it is that you really want.
MALFOY: I want Hermione Granger! .and a rocket ship.
DUMBLEDORE: Then why dont you just take the girl out for a happy meal; go to space camp! Come on!
Murder leads to a life of despair and desperation. I know youre gonna do the right thing, huh? Thatta boy
SNAPE: What the devil is going on here?
DEATH EATER 1: Weve got Dumbledore cornered.
SNAPE: Well, what are we waiting for? Kill him! Do it, Draco!
MALFOY: I-I dont think I can
SNAPE: Coward! Ten points from Gryffindor!
DUMBLEDORE: I dont understand! I gave you my lettermans jacket!
SNAPE: It never fit me!
DUMBLEDORE: Why didnt you tell me?! I couldve shrunk it with magic! Severus, please dont kill me!
SNAPE: Avada Cadabra!!!
HARRY: I hate Snape! I hate Snape! I hate Snape! I hate him! Im gonna kill him!
HERMIONE: Its not your fault, Harry!
HARRY: No, it is my fault! Dont you get it? Everyones dying because of me! First Cedric, now
Dumbledore. I cant do it anymore.
RON: Come on, lets go to the burrows!
HARRY: No, dont you get it?! I have to do this by myself. I did it once when I was a baby! I cant have you
guys be near me. Its too much of a risk.
HERMIONE: No, we dont care about the risk!
HARRY: You dont understand! You have to get away from me.
RON: You cant mean that.
HARRY: I do. Leave me alone!
(End scene.)
SCENE IV
VOLDE: Cornelius Fudge! Minister of Magic!
FUDGE: I still dont believe youre back.
VOLDE: Believe this Fudge! Avadakadavra!
FUDGE: Heart attackSurely
BELLA: YES! YES! The ministry has fallen! YES! Now youre the minister! Nay! The king of all magic! Oh
Voldemort! Take me right here on the ministers desk!
VOLDE: Im gonna get you! Come here Trixie! Wait! Do you want to try something new?
BELLA: Yes!
VOLDE: Get on the desk. Now sit upBitch Thats nice.

BELLA: SO what do we do now?

VOLDE: Anything we want. Hang out mostly. We can watch a movie! How about Shes All That Ive never
seen the beginning.
BELLA: Are you feeling ok my Lord?
VOLDE: Of course I am Quirell!
BELLA: Alright! Thats the dozenth time youve called me that!
VOLDE: No, uh, I called you a squirrel. I called you a squirrel.
BELLA: No youre thinking of that pawn we sent to Azkaban!
VOLDE: Hes not a pawn! More of a man than youll ever be.
BELLA: I cant do this! If Im going to be evil with you I have to be evil with all of you.
VOLDE: Evil with all of me? What does that even mean? Im all right here!
BELLA: No! There are pieces of you missing!
VOLDE: Are you talking about my Horcruxes? Cuz if it werent for those I wouldnt even be here right now!
#9 MISSING YOU
HARRY:
I CANT REMEMBER DAD
AND I CANT REMEMBER MOM
AND AUNTS AND UNCLE ARENT QUITE THE SAME
BUT I HAD HIM AND LIFE SEEMED FAIR
YES, WHEN I HAD HIM AND HE WAS THERE
TO GIVE ME STRENGTH SHOW CONCERN
ASK FOR NOTHING IN RETURN
SAY HELLO TALK ME THROUGH
DO THE THINGS THAT FATHERS SHOULD DO
AND IM MISSING YOU
IM JUST MISSING YOU
QUIRRELL:
THERE IT IS HES GONE
AND HES HUNG ME OUT TO DRY
THE JOY HE SAID HE FELT WELL, I GUESS IT WAS A LIE
BUT WHEN I HAD HIM MY LIFE WAS FINE
WHEN I HAD HIM HE WAS MINE
HED SHARE HIS THOUGHTS BE A FRIEND
STICK WITH ME UNTIL THE END
WATCH A MOVIE, ROLLER-SKATE
FILL THE WORLD WITH FEAR AND HATE
HARRY & QUIRRELL:
AND IM MISSING YOU
IM JUST MISSING YOU
NOW IM ALL ALONE
NOW YOURE GONE FOR GOOD
NOW IM STUCK RIGHT HERE WISHING I UNDERSTOOD

HARRY:
YOU GAVE ME HOPE WHEN MY SPELLS WERENT RIGHT
QUIRRELL:
YOU GAVE ME SOMEONE TO HOLD EVERY NIGHT
QUIRRELL:
AND IM MISSING YOU
HARRY:
IM JUST MISSING YOU
QUIRRELL:
IM JUST MISSING YOU
HARRY:
IM JUST MISSING YOU
(End song.)
DEATH EATER 1: Ive got news from Severus Snape. Dumbledore is dead and the dementors have control of
the castle. Hogwarts is yours my Dark Lord!
VOLDE: Excellent! Prepare my flying machine! Looks like Im going back to Hogwarts!
(End scene.)
SCENE V
GINNY: Harry!!!!!
HARRY: Ginny, what are you doing here?! Get out of here!
GINNY: Theres no place to go! The Death Eaters are all over the castle!
HARRY: I know and theyre looking for me and if they find me, youll be with me and youre going to get
into trouble! Get out of here!
GINNY: What are you going to do?!
HARRY: I dont know Ginny. Im not cut out for this kind of thing.
GINNY: Well, you have to do something! I dont know what you could do, but you can do it! I mean, youre
Harry Potter!
HARRY: No!
GINNY: Youre the boy who lived!
HARRY: No, Ginny! You dont get it. Why dont you guys get it? Im justIm just a twelve-year-old kid.
Ginny, Im sorry butIm alone. Its hopeless, alright?
#10 NOT ALONE
GINNY:
IVE BEEN ALONE
SURROUNDED BY DARKNESS
AND IVE SEEN HOW HEARTLESS
THE WORLD CAN BE

AND IVE SEEN YOU CRYING

YOU FELT LIKE ITS HOPELESS
ILL ALWAYS DO MY BEST
TO MAKE YOU SEE
THAT HARRY, YOURE NOT ALONE
CAUSE YOURE HERE WITH ME
AND NOTHINGS EVER GONNA BRING US DOWN
CAUSE NOTHING CAN KEEP ME FROM LOVIN YOU
AND YOU KNOW ITS TRUE
IT DONT MATTER WHATLL COME TO BE
OUR LOVE IS ALL WE NEED TO MAKE IT THROUGH
NOW I KNOW IT AINT EASY
(HARRY: NO IT AINT EASY)
BUT IT AINT HARD TRYING
(HARRY: ITS SO HARD TRYING)
EVERY TIME I SEE YOU SMILING
AND I FEEL YOU SO CLOSE TO ME
TELL ME
GINNY & HARRY:
THAT BABY YOURE NOT ALONE
CAUSE YOURE HERE WITH ME
AND NOTHINGS EVER GONNA BRING US DOWN
CAUSE NOTHING CAN KEEP ME FROM LOVIN YOU
AND YOU KNOW ITS TRUE
IT DONT MATTER WHATLL COME TO BE
OUR LOVE IS ALL WE NEED TO MAKE IT THROUGH
HARRY:
NOW I STILL HAVE TROUBLE
I TRIP AND STUMBLE
TRYING TO MAKE SENSE OF THINGS SOMETIMES
I LOOK FOR REASONS
BUT I DONT NEED EM
ALL I NEED IS TO LOOK IN YOUR EYES
AND I REALIZE
RON: Hey Harry!
HARRY: You guys came back.
HARRY, RON, HERMIONE, & GINNY:
BABY YOURE NOT ALONE
CAUSE YOURE HERE WITH ME
AND NOTHINGS EVER GONNA BRING US DOWN
CAUSE NOTHING CAN KEEP ME FROM LOVIN YOU
AND YOU KNOW ITS TRUE

IT DONT MATTER WHATLL COME TO BE

OUR LOVE IS ALL WE NEED TO MAKE IT THROUGH
HARRY: (speaking) GuysIm so glad you came back. Im sorry I shouted.
HARRY:
CAUSE IT DONT MATTER WHATLL COME TO BE
OUR LOVE IS ALL WE NEED TO MAKE IT THROUGH
(End song.)
HERMIONE: Alright, now that we got that four-part harmony out of the way, why dont we look for that
horcrux?
HARRY: Oh, yeah thats rightWell, it could be anywhere!
RON: If I had a horcrux, I would drop it in the bottom of the oceanOr I would put it in the pyramid with
king tut and all of his jewels. Or I would blast it into space with a monkey who knew nothing about
Horcruxes.
HERMIONE: Or it could be hidden somewhere around the mundane British countryside. Our search could
entail months of depressing camping, breaking into Gringotts, and drinking boatloads of polygenic potion.
HARRY: Well, the medallion says thats dumb, so were not gonna do that. But it does say its in one
convenient place. Get this: Hogwarts.
RON: Thats awesome. I love Hogwarts.
HARRY: Whats even better, its in Dumbledores office.
RON: Oh, cool.
HARRY: So, lets go. Wait a second, wait a second, hold the phone. How did you get here? There are death
eaters all over Hogwarts.
GINNY: WellI had help.
HARRY: From who? Malfoy!
GINNY: No, no, no! Hes really nice now.
MALFOY: Um, I-I just wanted to say that song you guys sang was really beautiful. And umwell, while I
was backstage, I was working on my *sings really high* own verses. And I was going to join you but you
wrapped it up before I could chime in there, but maybe if you sung a reprise I could have a little go at it. But,
as Ginny said, Im really nice now and I just feel awful about what happened. But, I mean, could you argue
that this is my fault?
*everyone says yes, absolutely, ect.*
MALFOY: Yeah, that would be a safe argument. But, let me ask you one question. Do you think Im happy
about this?
RON: Oh my God, Malfoy just because youre upset doesnt mean youre off the hook.
HARRY: Yeah, and furthermore, do you want to kick your own cuss or should we do it for you?
MALFOY: Oh! Um, I guess if youre giving me the option, Ill kick my own cuss. But, first I should teach
you how to get into Dumbledores office. Its ironically the same way the death eaters got in.
HERMIONE: Ok, why dont you boys head off to Dumbledores office? Ginny and I will take the invisibility
cloak and we will see if we could contact the Order of the Phoenix. We really havent seen them the whole
play so
HARRY: Ok, thats a good plan. *to Malfoy* D-dont touch me. But, lets get out of here. Lets go.
RON: Hey, Hermione, come here. Come downstage. Um, listen, uhAh, cuss uhHermione, hey. Uh, so
Ive been acting like a real jerk-cuss lately, you know that. And uh, and Im sorry. Its just that, seeing you
dance with everyone at the Yule ball made me kind of jealous. Um, I was jealous
HERMIONE: You were jealous?!

RON: Thats the third time I said Im jealous.

HERMIONE: Okay. Well, Ron, we dont really have to talk about this right now.
RON: But, what if the Death Eaters get us? What if we dont come back, you know?
HERMIONE: Ron, Dont say tha- *Ron kisses her*
RON: Whoa*Goes to kiss her again* No wayIts blueberry.
HERMIONE: Yeah, I can taste it.
RON: *Goes to kiss her again* Ugh, thats ungodly*puts mints in her mouth* Here, take two. Take two
You chew it. *He checks her breath* Awesome. *They make out in what could only be described as weird and
hilarious. Then Ron roars over and over again* Lets go kill Voldemort!!!
(End scene.)
SCENE VI
MALFOY: Do you blokes see this Zefron poster?!
HARRY: Yeah we know about it Malfoy. Do you think we could look for some Horcruxes now please?
RON: this thing of pencils a Horcrux?
HARRY: Nope.
(Check random items: say nope: improvise)
MALFOY: Doughnuts?
RON: NO! Those are snacks! This could take forever there are so many things in this room! And the only
thing of real value is that Zefron poster.
HARRY: Wait a second You dont think No. Anything related to Zac Efron could never be evil I me
HORCRUX VOLDE: BLAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!
HARRY, RON&MALFOY: AAAAAAAGGGGHHHHHH!!!
HARRY: RON! KILL IT ITS THE LAST HORCRUX!!
MALFOY: DONT KILL ZEFRON!
RON: But hes so charismatic!
HORCURX VOLDE: Dont kill me! Im not your enemy!*weird noise* Potter is the enemy! *weird noise*.
RON: No, no, no, Harrys my friend!
HORCRUX VOLDE: Youve got to get your head in the game Weasley! He will betray you! He will take that
which you want the most!
HARRY: Its a lie Ron dont listen to him hes lying!
HORCRUX VOLDE: I know your thoughts Ron Weasley. I know what you truly desire.
HORCURX HERMIONE: Hello Ron!
RON: Oh my god Hermione youve lost weight!
HORCRUX HERMIONE: Thats right! Im in shape for Harry Potter!
RON: What? Wait what? Harry?
HORCRUX HERMIONE: Thats right! As long as Harrys around youll always be second best! Least loved!
But if Harry Potter were gone then we could be together forever!
HARRY: RON! Its not true Ron!
RON: Yeah Harrys my friend!
HORCRUX HERMIONE: But dont you want me Ron?
*MALFOY nods*
RON: Yes
HORCRUX HERMIONE: Dont ya love me Ron?
*MALFOY nods*
RON: YEEESSS!!
HORCRUX HERMIONE: THEN YOU KNOW WHAT YOU GOTTA DO RON!

RON: YEEEEEEESSSSS!!!!! I must kill Harry.

HARRY: RON! NO! Its a trick Ron, dont listen to her! Stop it! Hermione is my best friend I would never do
anything to hurt you or her!
HORCRUX VOLDES VOICE: LIES WEASLEY ALL LIES! YOU KNOW WHAT HELL DO!
HARRY: RON ITS NOT TRUE! YOURE MY BEST FRIEND MAN!
HORCRUX VOLDES VOICE: KILL HIM! KILL HIM!
RON: AAAAARRRRRGGG!! *stabs Zefron poster repeatedly*
HORCRUX VOLDES VOICE: AAAAAHHHHH!!!
HARRY: Do it again.
MALFOY: Oh we could put some tape on this its fine.
HARRY: You had me going for a little bit there buddy.
RON: Oh yeah sorry about that pal. Just everything she was saying you know? I couldntI dont know
HARRY: What?
RON: Even if thats what she does feel about you and me well it wouldnt matter. Cuz youre my best friend.
*HARRY bites knuckle or something like that*
RON: I would never do anything to hurt you. *does same weird knuckle thingy*. Cuz I love you.
HARRY: I love you too man!
*they hug. MALFOY tries to join in but they push him away*
MALFOY: Listen chaps, as fun as this was, I though destroying a Horcrux would be much harder.
RON: Yeah me too because when you think about it, Horcruxes are just stupid.
BELLE: WANDS DOWN BOYS!
MALFOY: How did you idiots even get captured? You were invisible!
HERMIONE: Sorry!
BELLA: Do it Potter or they die!
HARRY: Well looks like we got our backs up against the wall and nowhere to go. Put your sword and wands
down.
BELLA: Awe! Look at itty bitty Potter giving itty bitty order to his whittle friends!
HARRY: Im not a baby Im 12!
SNAPE: what the devil is going on here?! Whoa, De JA vu Im sorry.
BELLA: Thank goodness Snape! We have Potter and his friends at last!
HERMIONE: You are a very mean person!
RON: Yeah Dumbledore trusted you!
HARRY: Youre a big fat traitor Snape!
SNAPE: Oh a traitor am I Potter? Youre exactly right! I am a traitor. Because I am about to betray someone.
Right now! HIYA!
GINNY: AAAAAGHHHHH!!
SNAPE: Back bogey hex!
DEATHE EATER 1: NO!
BELLA: Expelliarmus! SERPENT SORDIA!
SNAPE: MY WIENER!
HARRY: SNAPE NO!
BELLA: Dont even think about helping him unless you want a snake to the wiener! Come on Potter youre
coming with me! Only the Dark Lord deserves the right to kill you. COME ON!
MRS.WEASLEY: KIDS?
RON: MOM?!
BELLA: Who the hell are you?
MOLLY: Im Molly Weasley and those are my kids! Avada Cadavera!
BELLA: THAT IS NOT FAIR!
MOLLY: DIE BITCH!

RON: Holy shit mom! You just killed her! I thought you were going to tuck in her shirt or make her do the
dishes!
MOLLY: Stupid kids!
RON&GINNY: OW!
MOLLY: Desperate times call for desperate measures! Even the unforgivable can be forgivable sometimes.
GINNY: What are you doing here?
MOLLY: I came here with the Order of the Phoenix. Lupin, Tonks, Mad-Eye Moody, Serius Black, and
youre brother Fred!
RON: Oh good where are they?
MOLLY: Theyre all dead.
GINNY: Fred! No
MOLLY: Any way just came here to save your lives go back to what you were doing. DISAPPERATE!
HARRY: Snape! Snape! Snape! Expelliarmus!
RON: Die! Die!
HERMIONE: Harry, this does not look good! That is a coral snake! And a coral snake is a highly venomous
snake.
SNAPE: Shes right. Its too late for me now. Before I go, I need to tell youthere is another Horcrux!
HERMIONE: But how can that be? All six have been destroyed!
SNAPE: No, no. Theres a seventh.
RON: Oh, I hope its not an Ashley Tisdale poster. I cant do that.
SNAPE: Check the medallion.
HARRY: It doesnt say anything.
SNAPE: Well, give it to Granger.
HERMIONE: WaitIt says theres one right here but I dont understand
SNAPE: Harry, the night Voldemort killed your parentshe tried to destroy you, but his body was destroyed
instead. When that happened, a part of his soul was blasted away from the whole and attached itselfto you.
Voldemort can never truly die until all the Horcruxes have been destroyed.
HERMIONE: Butif Harrys a horcrux does that mean he has to bedestroyed?
HARRY: Theres gotta be another way.
SNAPE: No, Potter. Ill show you what you need to do. Watch very carefully. *falls over dead*
MALFOY: Hehe didnt even do anything.
HARRY: Thats because hes dead you dumb cuss
VOLDEMORT: Ahem! People of Hogwarts, my Death Eaters have taken the castle. And your headmaster,
Albus Dumbledore, is dead. Continue to resist, and you will all be killedone by oneBut, there need not be
war between us. Youve all fought so valiantly, so Im willing to offer you positions in my new world order
as my slaves. Give up now, and be forgiven. I will command my death eaters to stand down. Now, Harry
Potter, I speak directly to you. If you do not wish for those closest to you to continue to suffer and die on your
behalf, you will come face me yourself. Ill be waiting for you in the forbidden forest for one hour. At the end
of that hour, if you have not come to face me, have not turned yourself in, the battle recommences. This time,
Potter, I shall enter the fray myself. And I will find you. And I will murder every last man *Ron gasps*
woman *Hermione gasps* and child *Malfoy gasps* who try to conceal you from me. Voldemort out.
HERMIONE: Alright, guys, dont worry. We still have an hour. We just need to come up with a plan.
HARRY: No, theres no plan, Hermione. I know what I have to do. I have to die.
GINNY: No, no, no! Theres gotta be another way!
HERMIONE: Well, um, m-maybe theres something in this book. You know, we could find some sort of
enchantment that will nullifyHARRY: No, Hermione, no. Forget about it. Theres only one thing to do. I have to die. I love you all
except you, Draco, I cant cussing stand you. Goodbye.
DEATH EATER: Hes not coming, my lord.

VOLDEMORT: It seems that wayWell, Death Eaters, looks like were going back to seize the castle. This
is what Potter has chosen. Its funny, II expected him to comeSeems I was mistaken.
HARRY: You werent.
VOLDEMORT: Ah, Harry Potter! The boy who lived! Crusio! Crusio! Youre not even going to fight
back? Youre weakWeakJust. Like. Your. ParentsThey did not deserve to live in this world! In
MY world! Prepare to join them. Prepareto dieAvada Kadavra!
*Death eaters cheer*
DEATH EATER: Youve done it my lord! Potter is dead! No one shall ever question your powers again!
VOLDEMORT: Yes
DEATH EATER: Doesnt this please you, my lord?
VOLDEMORT: YeahYeah, its greatI just thought it might make me feel less empty inside. Well,
Death Eaters, we go back to Hogwarts to tell them what has become of their, hehhehhehhero.
(End scene.)
SCENE VII
DUMBLEDORE: Hey Harry.
HARRY: Whoa! Dumbledore! Where am I? I thought I was dead! I got shot by Voldemort!
DUMBLEDORE: Lets just say youre somewhere between our world and the next .
HARRY: What? Did I survive?
DUMBLEDORE: Wouldnt be the first time Potter. Take a seat. Harry has you ever heardsit down! Have
you ever heard of a love shield?
HARRY: Uhno but it sounds kinda fruity.
DUMBLEDORE: Its anything but fruity. Its if somebody loves you so much and they were willing to give
their life for you that love then would become a shield that surrounds your body and protect you from any
form of dark magic.
HARRY: SO this happened to me? I have a love shield?
DUMBLEDORE: Harry its time for you to know the things you shouldve known 7 years ago. It really
would have helped you along the way. The love shield protected you the first time. Voldemort accidently
turned you into the seventh Horcrux and not even he knew about it. And when Voldemort tried killing you this
time he was actually unknowingly killing the piece of himself inside of you. Uh and Ive known the whole
time.
HARRY: You knew this whole time?
DUMBLEDORE: Hey they dont call me the greatest wizard who ever lived for nothing. Harry its time for
you to get your cute little butt back there and fight as a mortal man! Except this time, he will be a mortal man
too.
HARRY: Dumbledore I get what youre saying. I know what I have to do.
DUMBLEDORE: Good boy. Good boy.
HARRY: Hey, before I go youre clairvoyant now right? You can see the past the present and the future?
DUMBLEDORE: Oh yeah.
HARRY: Can you tell me how Lost ends?
DUMBLEDORE: Harry there are some questions that even I cant answer. Now get outta here! Third door on
your left!
RUMBLEROAR: Are you ready to go Dumbledore?
DUMBLEDORE: Sure come on Rumbleroar!
RUMBLEROAR: And youre sure that you dont want to let Harry Potter know that youre still alive?
DUMBLEDORE: Ah no!
RUMBLEROAR: I suppose youre right. Do you have your space suit Dumbledore?

DUMBLEDORE: OH! Thank you for reminding me! Ready to go Rumby!

RUMBLEROAR: I sure am! To Pigfarts! RUMBLEROAR!!!!!
(End scene.)
SCENE VIII
VOLDE: People of Hogwarts Harry Potter is dead. He was killed while running away trying to save himself
while you lay down your lives for him. The battle is won! My deatheaters outnumber you. Continue to resist
and you will be slaughtered. Come out of the castle, kneel before me and you may be spared!
RON: (nervously and stuttering) Ah shit ok. You guys barricade the door! Cho! You see if Nevilles dead. You
guys go get snacks! Theres only one thing were going to do, were going to fight.
MALFOY: Come one Im tired! Cant we just be deatheaters?
RON: No! We cant just be deatheaters ok?
MALFOY: Please, please, please, etc.
RON: We are gonna fight! And we are going to fight so hard! That we are going to win!
#11 VOLDEMORT IS GOING DOWN
RON:
HE THINKS THAT WERE FINISHED
HE THINKS THAT WERE DONE
HE THINKS THAT ITS OVER
HIS BATTLE IS WON HA!
HE THINKS THAT ITS FINISHED
BUT WE ARENT THROUGH
STOP AND THINK MY FRIEND
WHAT WOULD HARRY DO FOR YOU
HERMIONE:
HARRY NEVER GAVE UP THE FIGHT
HARRY STOOD UP FOR WHAT IS RIGHT
SO NOW ITS OUR TURN
RON & HERMIONE:
OUR TURN
MAKE A JOYFUL SOUND
VOLDEMORT IS GOING DOWN
RON & HERMIONE:
WE MUST UNITE
SO WE CAN FIGHT
TURN THE BATTLE AROUND
TIMES RUNNING OUT
ITS TIME TO SHOUT
VOLDEMORT IS GOING DOWN
HERMIONE:
CANT YOU FEEL A FIRE BURNING

NOW ITS TIME TO BE A MAN

A GREAT BIG MUSCLEY SUPER BIG SUPER HOT MAN
RON & DRACO:
AHAA
ALL:
WE WONT BE PUSHED AROUND ANYMORE
WELL BE A FORCE YOU CANNOT IGNORE
WELL BE AN ARMY FOR DUMBLEDORE
FOR DUMBLEDORE
*DUMBLEDORE comes in and dances around a bit*
WE MUST UNITE
SO WE CAN FIGHT
TURN THE BATTLE AROUND
TIMES RUNNING OUT
ITS TIME TO SHOUT
VOLDEMORT IS GOING DOWN!
HARRY: Guys Im alive! I know how to defeat Voldemort! Just follow me ok?
ALL:
WE MUST UNITE SO
WE CAN FIGHT
TURN THE BATTLE AROUND
TIMES RUNNING OUT
ITS TIME TO SHOUT
VOLDEMORT IS GOING DOWN
WE MUST UNITE
SO WE CAN FIGHT
VOLDEMORT IS GOING DOWN
(End song.)
RON: Yeah, he cant get through the door, its impossible.
*Voldemort enters through the curtain next to the door. Everyone screams*
VOLDEMORT: Avadakadavra! *Kicks the stool used to barricade the door* WHAT?! Potter?! How many
times do I have to kill you, boy?!
HARRY: Clearly, more than once. But its all over, Voldemort because you cant kill me this time. Nobody
help me. I have to do this by myself.
VOLDEMORT: He doesnt mean that! Thats not how he operates, is it, boy? You are you going to use as a
human shield this time, Potter? *Ron steps forward*
HERMIONE: Ron!
HARRY: Nobody! Because this time its just you and me. All of the Horcruxes are gone. I destroyed them all.
VOLDEMORT: What?! E-even my Zefron poster?!
HARRY: Especially the Zefron poster.
VOLDEMORT: Gah, curse you, Potter! Youll die for that!

HARRY: No, I wont! You cant kill me! You cant kill any of these people!
VOLDEMORT: What the cuss are you on about?!
HARRY: You dont learn from your mistakes, do you, Voldemort? I was prepared to die to save these people.
VOLDEMORT: But you didnt!
HARRY: Yes, but I meant to. And thats what did it. Ive done what my mother did for me for these people.
Ive given them a magical sanctuary so you cant hurt me or these people ever again.
VOLDEMORT: So what?! Who cares about these children?! Its you I want dead, Potter. Whats to stop you
from dying if I strike?
HARRY: Just one thing. Think about all the people youve hurt, Voldemort. All the lives you destroyed. All
the people you killed. Maybe try a little slice of remorse pie.
VOLDEMORT: What?!
HARRY: Theres gotta be one person, one thing in your life that you miss. That you regret.
VOLDEMORT: Wellmaybe theres oneNo! There isnt! The jokes on you, Potter! I dont care about
anybody!
HARRY: I know. And thats what makes you such a piece of cuss. Here at Hogwarts we all stick together. We
love one another. Were friends. My love is protecting these guys, and their love is all I need to protect me
from you.
VOLDEMORT: Lets put that theory to the test, Potter. Avada Kadavra!
HARRY: Expelliarmus!
*Voldemort dies*
CHO: Well, chocolate frogs! Harry Potter did it, yall!
*Everyone cheers. Harry and Ginny start making out.*
RON: Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Listen, hey! I just want to let you guys knowthat Im totally cool with
it. Go ahead.
HERMIONE: Well, I guess that just about ties up the loose ends.
HARRY: Yeah, everythings cool!
HERMIONE: Oh, except for the house cup tournament!
NEVILLE: Hey, look at this! I found Dumbledores will! He says that, in the event of my death, Gryffindor
wins the House Cup! He also says that Hogwarts goes to Harry Potter, my chocolate factory goes to Charlie,
and Toon Town goes to the toons! *Everyone cheers*
HARRY: Hey, guys, so I guess all the professors are dead sobutterbeers on me!
(End scene.)
SCENE IV
AZCABAN GUARD: You are free to go.
QUIRREL: Thank you.
AZCABAN GUARD: You know, while I was devouring each and every one of your happy thoughts, they all
seemed to be about a certain friend of yours. Care to talk?
QUIRREL: No. No, thats behind me now.
AZCABAN GUARD: SorryWell, did you hear the news?! Voldemort is dead! Yeah, good luck getting off
the impenetrable island!
QUIRREL: Dead?! *falls to the ground in despair*
VOLDEMORT:hey, you.
QUIRREL: Voldemort, is it really you?
VOLDEMORT:whats left of me.
QUIRREL: B-but I just heard that you wereVOLDEMORT: Destroyed?YeahBut, Quirrel, theres part of me thats-thats still hereAnd I cant go

on to the next plain without it. Its a part of me that cant be destroyed. Because its rightinhere. *pokes
Quirells chest*
QUIRREL: In my heart?
*Voldemort nods*
QUIRREL: So you came back?!
VOLDEMORT: I came home.
QUIRREL: And you dont want to kill Harry Potter anymore?
VOLDEMORT: NoNo. Because I learned something when I had my body back, Quirrel. I learned that
life is really messy, complicated, and it doesnt turn out the way that you think it will. And thatyou think
killing people might make them like you but it doesnt. It just makes people dead... I-I got killed by a
two-year old! And its really embarrassing and everyone says When you gonna come back, Voldemort?
When are you going to take over the world? Its all me! Its all on me! Im sitting there, by myself, because
no one wants to help. And then I say to myselfMaybe with Quirrel, things will be okay.
QUIRREL: Is okay good?
VOLDEMORT: Quirrel! Okay is wonderful!
*The run in slow motion to each other to put their backs to each other*
#12 FINALE
ALL:
BABY YOURE NOT ALONE
CAUSE YOURE HERE WITH ME
AND NOTHINGS EVER GONNA BRING US DOWN
CAUSE NOTHING CAN KEEP ME FROM LOVIN YOU
AND YOU KNOW ITS TRUE
IT DONT MATTER WHATLL COME TO BE
OUR LOVE IS ALL WE NEED TO MAKE IT THROUGH
ALL:
BACK TO WIZARDS AND WITCHES, AND MAGICAL BEASTS
TO GOBLINS AND GHOSTS AND TO MAGICAL FEASTS
IT'S ALL THAT I LOVE, AND ALL THAT I NEED.
AT HOGWARTS, HOGWARTS,
BACK TO SPELLS AND ENCHANTMENTS, POTIONS AND FRIENDS
TO GRYFFINDORS!
HUFFLEPUFFS!
RAVENCLAWS!
SLYTHERINS!
BACK TO THE PLACE WHERE OUR STORY BEGINS
ITS HOGWARTS, HOGWARTS,
DUMBLEDORE:
Im sorry, whats its name?
ALL:
HOGWARTS, HOGWARTS
DUMBLEDORE:
I didnt hear you kids!

ALL:
HOGWARTS, HOGWARTS
HARRY:
Man, Im glad I went back!
(End scene.)
(End of ACT TWO.)
THE END!
Note to actors you better love us if you love this show cuz it was a pain in the ass to type up. LOVE YOU!
Alyx and Casey.