If there is a god,

he will have to beg

for my
forgiveness.

Matt Lger

Copyright 2015 Matthew Lger

All rights reserved.
ISBN: 1511825235
ISBN-13: 978-1511825238

CONTENTS
10 a.m.
ceiling fan moon
death (and you, my
mistress)
watch
liquidated
supernova (slam one)
Flower (leaves)
junkie road
skeletons (pickin'
sides)
winds
5:30 a.m. (a new
lover)
simply a verse from a
folk song
moon white, moon
light
wallowin'
(regression)

a poem created and

destroyed by alcohol
a sepulcher in my
head
an ambien love poem
commercial red
(un)conditional love
jesus, didn't die for me
my prophet, oh my
prophet
again, I digress, my
friends
flower girl
paint it black, bend the
edges
springtime rain, one
a.m.
a trip to college, a
cathedral, an attempt
New York City blues
a constant//jaded,
solemn
silky smooth blades
lithium, an old one

iv

cacti
a silent airplane cabin
r.i.p. to the old me

vi

10 a.m.
It's 10 a.m. and the trees are naked,
as the flowers dance under the sunlight.
The baby blue skies look like your eyes,
and the wind swims through the hole in my chest.
My thoughts race, but rarely stop to visit you,
and I guess I'd say I'm feeling okay.

Open up to me, let me part your seas.

We can make like the rain and evaporate.

As the hands of the clock caress the numbers, my heart ticks

away.

Will I see you in the stars?

ceiling fan moon

i watched the ceiling fan moon of my bedroom
bright eyed lover, you left so soon
does your heart still beat in mine?
I'm trying to pick myself back up
rename the stars from your tainted touch
I've broken frames and its not enough
a lukewarm black drips from my pen
as the words spit from my lips
and my vocal cords stretch
and you found god in a lighter
and a cigarette package
and i'm still searching

viii

Death, and you (my mistress)

Why can I only write poems when I'm high?
maybe its because I don't think about you?
and I don't think about how far away you are
or the fact that you are not next to me in my bed
and I can crack a picture frame and burn its contents
but there's no way to burn you out of my head
with glassy eyes and a heaving chest
I will lay with the darkness in my room
and dream of what it would be, what it could be, what it
would've been
as if anguish was a lover and you were my mistress
and I pray in pity to a God I don't believe in,
as if a prayer every night before I go to bed
would stop me from the thoughts that reside
in the residue of a mind drizzled in sadness
and then there's you, dearest

you're like the back of a book I've never read

(I could never get past the first few pages)

ix

I was always too busy flirting with death

(her words were ever so pretty, my love)
but your face was so aesthetically pleasing
(her lips tasted of smoke and rain)
and your eyes could pierce right through my veins
(although her hair smelled of alcohol and sweat)
and you made a man of me, when I could barely breathe
(she took my breath away, like a hurricane)
I guess no amount of beauty or sex
can compare to the thrill in death

watch
I've got a pretty watch you gave me a while back
the hands never stopped ticking despite my recent loss
in a recent breakdown I attempted to turn it back
now my body is a little less intact and my glass has a crack
I've got black hole eyes
And a less than whole heart
And I'm searching for a god
that all my friends like to beg to
I mean, pray to
It's all the same to me
And I've been spitting some meaningless shit
the type of promises you never intend to commit
just like I can't commit
to anything at all, anymore
The holidays are coming up
I've noticed the sun setting a little early
I guess I'll be buying myself gifts
maybe some pills to help me sleep
or some whiskey to get me through the day
because these days are like water flowing down upon my
battered chest
and this river is running, I fear it will freeze
I will freeze

xi

liquidated
You slipped right through my skin
I've got an ivory journal signed in blood
Did you ever think you'd make it past the first few pages?
I've found solace in the fact the winter sun has stopped shining
and despite the length of the winter
I am burning bright
hesitant, yet prepared
to pick the petals of the girls I have met
in a garden of the products of the sun
I am not a son to brag of
I will pick you apart and leave you to the worms
oh, dark night sky
you have swallowed me whole
I need a pretty soul to resuscitate what has been stepped upon
and the right set of innocent eyes
stripped of malice and vain
to see me through another night
lying awake,
an ocean of loathing
liquidated love under a starry sky
I thought you knew this wasn't meant to last
I've broken down in the middle of the road
and my vision is starting to blur
My blacks and blues are off the spectrum
and I've got pyrite veins
do you feel the warmth
i am starting to glow
and my manic mind is starting to slow

xii

Supernova (slam one)

I'd

been living so hard, my veins were running on empty

I played the part of Romeo, and you continued existing
But I had OxyContin in my arms
And you had arrogance in your eyes
As if changing me was as simple as a flat tire
I proved to be the opposite end of a black hole
a supernova, you bit off too much to chew.
I was your sunshine, the one who got away
You followed me to the edge, only to see me scale it to the sea
And spring came, and we talked of weddings and rings
But angel lips and serpent tongues put those plans on hold.
I fell in love with the Orange of blurred eyes,
the coating on a capsule I broke with a knife,
I swallowed pills and looked the devil in the eyes
and from that point on I was beyond the promise of a church's
lies
and I fell deeper and deeper into synthetic Angel's lips,
seduced by the pleasure of their intimate touch,
Locked under whip and chain of a man made plague,
family and friends watched as I was blown away,
stumbling half naked at a friends party,
The party life
Oh the party life was my friend
Drinking until my eyes lost vision
My pulse weakened
My heart opened, perforated
ready to lay to rest the memories of a broken person
and fill the spot with lack of an interview process
"Your pulse beats dear, and you've got pretty eyes. Would you
accompany me for the night? The air is thick with smoke and I
am growing lonelier by the second"
The idea of a night alone is frightening,
no chemicals to put me to sleep
or a face to make me want to wake up,
and this way of life is bitter at best
it's a highschool society,
xiii

get fucked up and look for a kiss,

roots in broken hearts and family genetics,
a cesspool of addictive personalities
exploitation for the sole purpose of robbing souls and
increasing cash flow
made glorified by the music industry
But there is no end, not in sight at least
the chemical dragons breathe fire thicker than gas masks can
purify
So I am a victim of a modern empire
My veins flow like pyrite, fools gold
You do not call me much anymore
And I have never been more alone
if I continue to exist
I will live like Ivy upon a house
I will grow and encompass the doors
until the inside will be filled with warmth
and I will sell myself for better days
for a home worth fighting for
And a lover who won't leave despite my unique circumstances
she will have hair like the Angels I've been seduced by
and endless eyes, miles of beautiful terrain, that I will chart
with prestige
her voice will sing me to sleep like a childhood lullaby,
until I no longer need my crippling medications
And someday I will ride in the passenger seat of a car, recently
gifted to me
The sun will be shining and I will feel free
and the hands of a chemical God will no longer cling to me
And I will sing a song
Sing, la la la to the thought of a creator
singin, la la la to the thought of a new lover
someday things will be okay
And my pill bottles will have passed their expiration dates
And I will have moved on past all the friends I made, in the
shadows of my highschool lights
the chemical Angels that fed my ever increasing appetite
in order to bask in the ruby colored limelight
xiv

"the blood of your peers does not wash off with water,
and no drug can take from your ample grievings
we all fell victim to the pressures of getting by
the game has no winners; only changed beginners
It makes no breaks for losers,
and capitalizes off of the weak
it is a living, breathing entity
and it takes only prisoners"
And I'll sing la la la, to the thought of escaping
la la la, to the idea of growing
I will grow
like vine on a house or a child and his age
I will grow
until the dust around me has settled
and the eye of the hurricane that surrounds me
has been pierced
I will grow
until the sun melts into the skyline
and the skyline falls into the world
I will grow
like the number of stars in the sky
ever expanding,
infinitely
I will grow
Until I lay in a cold hard coffin, serenaded by the laments of
my family
and I hope that is a long ways away
As I have some mending to take care of
And some lovers I must put to rest
I am not haunted by the same demons as a year ago,
but their shadows still lurk under every bottle
Someday I will be okay
Someday it will all be okay
Someday.

xv

flower (leaves)
Bright eyed lover, you hold my heart in your hands.
The flakes of my fingertips are accustomed to your skin.
Ive been split apart, ripped at every seam
I am the bones lying cold in your dreams
Do not fear, i have nowhere to run
I am immobile, a ghost, a walking skeleton
Shroud me in light, heal this irreparable damage
I will be your cloak and you will be my canvas
I've got a dagger in a pen, a blade sharp with ink
a head full of lies to keep you believing
a chemical fire burning bright like a star
milligrams in my veins to keep me subpar
but hey, you,
push me aside to let the other flowers grow
I am malnourished, ripe with apathy
and the sun has not shined my way in recent memory
so hold me back, let my leaves grow cold
all i want to be is picked and held.

xvi

junkie road
meeting in creaky cars in gas station parking lots
rain pourin' down, not so famous blue raincoat on my back
Night is mixing in the sky, settling in over the sunshine
it'll be another night fighting off some age old emptiness
but hey, you,
the moons turned its head on me
and the Suns not gonna be up for a while
don't look at me that way
I'm indifferent to what you made me
couple pills in my hand to balance my brain,
water runnin' throw em down the drain
and the days, they're mashing
blurry like my vision
rainy day eyes, I'm drunk driving

xvii

Skeletons (pickin' sides)

You are walking a dangerous line
and the skeletons in my closet are taking sides
I've got a spindle in my bedroom to wrap you around
I'll twist you, I'll fold you down
I'll stretch you out
you won't be the same
oh, and you've fallen for my manic mind
I've got a sun setting every night
but my eyes are still blinded by the light
tobacco in the air, I've got milligram laced veins
liquidated love in a dark living room

xviii

Winds
Against the winds of calm that reside in me,
I write to you in manic hope
To align our stars for another day
And refute these claims of a castle of ash
And on the nights of black, as I suffer
I wear your quiet praise like a collar
Tight and fit, snug and secure
As my pen scribbles down my poorly written words
"Hollow, hollow head
Empty castle of matches
Light a flame, dissipate
burn down these crutches"

xix

5:30 a.m. (a new lover)

It's is 5:39 a.m. and my clocks are still spinning
my thoughts are still coiled and my brain is on empty
They rest in the moonlight, buried under a cork tree
residing in the glow your touch has imprinted on me
Let me ask, my dear
Does the way you swiftly dot my lines come so effortlessly?
The way you dance around my thoughts like a beautiful
sonnet,
clinging on to melodies and changing their meanings
as if you are the musician and I am the audience
It's 5:50 a.m. and sleep does not come easy
my friends and family are resting softly
I have been counting sheep, but you count with me
we count them in a cottage located in a forest
inefficient? Yes, you could say
reminiscent? of better days,
days to come, days to build with you
My journey won't end without you on its way.

xx

simply, a verse from a folk song

i met you in the night
we got drunk on the moonlight
bright white moon, concoct a line
now theres a lil' bit of sunshine
but as easy comes, easy must go
my veins are drained, bloody nose
and my god is gone, i suppose
when the mornin' comes i'll be on my own

xxi

moon white, moon light

comin down again
a long way home, stars over my head
we had a while back
and the streets offered no rest
the porous black asphalt, suffocating us
mirrored the sky, few bumps at best
and the air was laced with silence
But your glares cracked the mirror
and I am no gypsy boy, I do not have flowers for eyes
and the soles of my feet are not blackened like the streets
I do not see clearly, the future is bleak
my eyes are foggy like a London sky
I am exhausted, I have been bathed in diamonds
pyrite veins, I've got an agenda
scribbled throughout are my plans
a few reminders, to not waste away
to live my life like I enjoy the sunshine
as if the skyline is my only guide
and my old lord, "savior" of my family
I do not find faith in him, anymore
his church has shunned me many times
and when I was sprawled out upon my floor
praying for a reason to live
well, the thermostat was cranked,
but I had never felt so cold
but I am not bitter, nor forsaken
I have made God into flowers
the gardens I pass by on my way to school
God is the eyes of the girl I gave my world
and he is the fingernails that clawed out my heart

xxii

wallowin'
i held it together for a little while
my off balance brain got the best of me
slipped far into a hole
man, i've got the blues
more apparent than the sky and darker than the ocean
i took a swim, and refuse to dry
oh i'm wallowin, don't ask me why
my memories been fadin again,
its pretty apparent why
the grounds just a little cold
and I'm aching and bruised
my friends are telling me to take a step back
reevaluate where I'm at
i don't think they understand
but hey, thats alright
if they could sympathize
i'd be worried for their safety

xxiii

(regression)
I have dismantled our memories in a desperate haze of drinks
and time has done its fair share
I have found new loves to replace what was shed
and to be all that honest, I don't think of you much anymore
your lips have eluded my muscle memory
I have learned how to kiss new girls
and your words do not rest at the back of my head anymore
but for a fleeting second
on a night when the moon lies low
and I lay alone in my bed, listening to the stars
the thought of the lake takes grasp
and I realize what we had is not dead, just buried
not to ever be resurrected
but to lie dormant
a hibernation lacking a spring
and I can't help but think we played out a perfect tragedy
respectively ending in a Romeo scenario
an emotional suicide
the deflowering of a first love
intertwined by the loss of identities, and virginities
but as I said before, I'll say it again
a fleeting thought that will not mend
so I'll take my pills and down a drink
let the moon raise and my lover awake
things will be okay
a fleeting memory

xxiv

a poem created and destroyed by alcohol

Your flaccid eyes and apathetic demeanor
praying to a God that doesn't hear
the darker it is the more of a shadow you become
Tainted thighs and lips that circumvent the same words - "hail
Mary, full of grace... Hail Mary, full of grace"
like a blanket used thoroughly throughout the yearsb ipq
ripped apart at ever seam
the defining words are scrambled at best
"I love you"
knitted over the course of a long alcohol infused decadeDidn't
mean tk aj that
but you Can you bre
eak the barrier, dusre;

xxv

a sepulcher in my head
a sepulcher was made in my head
filled with lilies and burned pictures
my days consisted of chasing a fleeting God, so distracted by
the other world
memories were made and cast into oblivion
I lived in shadows under a chemical disguise
glasses to hide my eyes and pills to stabilize my brain
but living in a state of relief-agonyrepressed the beauty in my worship of a man made God
Although I felt the lack of compulsions,
bitter twists in a manic mind to end my life,
my lithium laced Blues were not cutting it
and I watched a withering flower
Unfed, malnourished, ripe with apathy
and at that moment I had an epiphany
to live numb is to not live at all
sadness is inevitable as is relief
and after years of blacking out
surfing the calm plains of oblivion
mapping out my breaking points
developing my pure bred laments
but listen, my sweet dear,
"It's 4 am, and I love you
will you stay next to me, by my side
I gave up my stabilization to feel the touch of your skin,
you are so beautiful to me,
a man made wonder, like the pyramids or a cup of tea,
I want to write you out like hieroglyphics,
And decipher them over the years
You see, my lovely love, you have set a whole new precedent
for me
to feel above the ground with a lack of chemical sound,
no auditory or visual hallucinations,
just your body and the weight of my world on it
can you bare the weight?
xxvi

is there apart of you you're willing to suffocate?

because together we can evaporate
you can be my heat, and I'll be the pouring rain
and through your eyes I'll look
I'll see the beauty of a garden
simply harvested, no added ingredients
just the blooming flowers and their utter acceptance of an
investable escape
and I have accepted by that death is for me
I have come to terms with the fact that I will not leave this
world intact
I want to cast a shadow upon this place
one that will not ever shrink
but you, oh you, my lover
those blue and green eyes
I just want you to be mine
I want to sink into your thighs
I want to dissect the clockworks that make you tick,
and that's okay
we can find some time
to sit and watch the sunrise
hold our arms up, a surplus of love
the sun baby, if I were to burn up
I'd prepare a saga for the likes of you
you have fallen into me like an angel into a virgin bedroom
and although I don't believe in a dormant God
I may speak to him but does not reply
a backseat car affair to an infinite realization
but it's okay, as I have said before
God is in the roses my beautiful mother trims as summer
approaches
God is the way I kiss my lover under the moonlight, knowing
things aren't meant to be
God is me, and I believe
I have the outlook to change the things that destroy me
I have wished for the blackest of coffins,
and the greyest of skies
I have wished for an overdose in my sleep
But with challenge comes experience
xxvii

I am beginning to think I can surpass this anguish

and With a lover at my sides; and my friends to keep me away
I can find a way
To let go of the harsh chemicals that surround me
to breathe in clean air is a blessing
not tainted with the taste of regret and a a lack of energy
And I write, write, write,
to keep my loved ones be my side
today may not be my day
or the next, and that is matter of fact
But the beauty of life is serene and infinite
and I will spend every waking second trying to chase it
and if I can see one sunset with the love of my life
And make love to the sounds of the Oceanside
I will cross the list, plan the burial
I will have died content
the beauty in life is mine to grasp
and I have learned to take hand
so take my hand, and follow me
the skyline can cast us away, and we will be happy
every moonlight sonnet the moon feels the need to sing,
I will play along and see where it takes me
Lover, lover, lover
I am becoming the old me.
The young one that saw perfection in tress
the boy who was scared to have his first kiss, with the girl he
thought he needed
I have survived it all, a few scars, but intact
and i cannot collapse at this moment, for that would let me
suffering go to waste
I am doing better and this all in good taste
I am letting my feelings seep through my face
you are everything, you are another taste
and I am the one who is playing this game:
I am not lost, but I am not found
I am not begging for a payphone around
xxviii

I can live like a painters canvas

They can shape me, rearrange me,
I have not felt the signs of change.
But, as I end in this endeavor
The winds of change blow forever
I am not destined for misery
I am not destined for jubilance
This world is made for me to take advantage of.
and I will take Advantage of that.

xxix

an ambien love poem

Darling you've got me wrapped around your finger
I write and sing to you of the beauty of the moon
The apathetic Rays that haunt the skyline
but when I look up I only see you
in a sea of green and blue
an idle ocean pulsing all around me
your love has filled my lungs
I cough up words of admiration
And my eyes are ripe and ready to pick
save me the trouble of searching
keep my by your side
I just wanna be with you
intact, fallin apart, ripped at the seams
I want to be stitched together by your hands
Oh darling I am your gypsy boy
I cannot predict a future but I can wish
you speak like a fox; your pretty words seep from your
tongue,
sly but gorgeous,
laced with love
just be my gypsy girl, baby
we can make love under the spring sun
and flowers will bloom all around
Oh, your ocean eyes, and blonde hair
and I'm not sure, I can't exactly remember
but in the Japanese gardens
when the sun shined upon the pond
i swear I saw a halo above your head
bright as the sun
baby you're so bright
you won't ever burn out
you are my sun.

xxx

commercial red
theres a pretty little overdose hangin' in the air
and so far i've got the sun on my side
and the mountains have been quite unfair,
i just wanted to take a ride
through the autumn fairs
and the easter festivals,
this year has passed,
quite unforgetable
i brazenly denied a gypsies hand,
my palm had some undeniable omens
but i was set in stone, stubborn as rock
and now my worlds shifting and I'm stuck in the mud
and my idols, oh how they've been a disappointment
drug induced comas, you all sleep too long
take me down with you, take me down
we can sleep for as our parents pockets are intact
can we be reimbursed for all the love wasted on commercial
red
I'm just trying to have some diplomatic relations, with you
you need to learn to let me in
before you wither away inside your tan skin
latin ex lover, learn to reciprocate
waste no more time on solemn men

xxxi

(un)conditional love
I wanna lay some blankets under the sun
and tell you all the stupid shit I did as a teenager
ripped my body to shreds
will you still love me then?
if time halts, and I'm frozen
will you still love me then
i'm itchin to know,
i am a sinner, god knows,
i am not who you think i am

xxxii

jesus, didn't die for me

moon white lines across the bathroom sink
oh Jesus, I don't think you died for me
self righteous, I feel like you died in vain
the summer skyline is beginning to rise
I spent another night simply chasing the stars
you don't need a needle to be a fiend
all it takes is a pillbox is and some deceit
a little burn, the reak of hopelessness
A quiet stinge of defeat, I can't see through this haze
this is nothing like my glory days
I function too well to be saved
Oh, baby, if only you knew
the psychoactive cesspool in which
I drown in, on a daily basis
and it's all so complex
nothing is simple
quittin's an option, always is
but livin' without a lullaby is too hard to handle

xxxiii

my prophet, oh my prophet
"flee, flee! it is not too late to repent"
the trees sway, they reek of obligation
sunset, in a desert, they rip me to shreds
oh, and time has not yet halted,
the horizon is slightly ajar
and through the autumn fairs
and the easter festivals,
this year has passed,
quite unforgettable
and so far i've got the sun on my side
as the mountains have been quite unfair,
i just wanted to take a ride
if i could grasp the concept of angel wings
i think my void would begin to dissipate
and i ask, and i pry, and i take no sides
who am i to deny what i find so obvious
oblivion isn't as reckless as the prophets seem to claim

xxxiv

again, I digress, my friends

The liquor coated gardens of Eden
bathed me in a ripped up blanket
The seams were unstitched, the color faded
hollow and luminescent, unhinged
my lover has virgin eyes
her springs of chemicals are flaccid
and slowly, my love has become a fallacy
plagued by addiction
I am no better than my neighbor
but he does not crave like me
And Jesus, Mary, and the 12 disciples
they did not die for me,
no my empty veins are each nihilist
Among barren fields of rye, I have become complacent
I beg for a way to calm my needing
uncertainty, is brazenly admitted
my shame is irreverent
slowly but surely, I'll be damned
the mirrors hazy image has morphed
and I am not sure what I have become
cut up lines, in front of my friends
when did desperation cross the border
into absolute embarrassment
Oh darling, if only you knew how broken
I have become
a hollow reminder
that my progress is simply digression

xxxv

flower girl
luminescence, flower girl
radiance bursts around me in the form of your dress
Do you know what you do
the things you ignite in me
a lit candle waxes with innocent lust
to hold you until the dusk,
me and you, until we rust
Heaven let us become dust
in an urn with a flower atop
and grow, grow we must
we will grow as one!
flower girl, oh precious dear,
smile in the sun!
Let the spring rains wash you,
engulf you in lust,
to live, to write, to love, to last
passionately exclaim your place
and like stone it will be set.
Garden, garden, be a pearl statuette
and I can rip out my veins and leave you with that,
flower girl
entrusted with a fragile load
do not leave me, leave me alone.
If suffer we must, suffer we will
But I can tell you this:
I'll love you until the sun's flames extinguish.

xxxvi

paint it black / bend the edges

It's been a couple of years
too many blurry sunsets for a teenager
a heartbreak, a reason to escape
I guess you could say I've learned how to suffer
Vacant reminders, a hollowed out church
the echoes boom with sounds of laughter
"where was your God when you were on your bathroom floor?
where was he when you gazed out locked doors"
I've met a few preachers
their words offer no answers
and time has become an object
I paint it black and I bend the edges
these days it seems to rebound
as i sit in a dark bedroom
hearing the scratches of vinyls
reading into the pain of my idols
And I ask myself
"Why is there such an inherent sadness?
What have I done to accumulate such a record"
and I watch these dignified drawings in attempt to paint me a picture
these psychiatric evaluations to make my condition that much simpler
manic or depressive I've got a pill
relapse im back in the hospital
Drugs? I've tried em' all
found god in a binge and angels in a bottle
but this is an unforgiving lord
with cash for hands and lips of rods
they say the devil hides in his shadow
Drinking? I've partaken
I've parted the seas between the floor and me
I've parted the seas between my bathtub floor
numb and fucked
stared into the nozzle, my eyes burned
thought I heard a chorus
singin' of love and hate
but it was just the patter of the droplets
hitting the floor

xxxvii

springtime rain, one a.m.

springtime rain at one in the morning
It is me and the moon by my side
The grass does not sway and the flowers are weeping
I fear that I will soon relate
My manic mind has no bounds
I speak softly to myself
Writing words I hope to gift in the morning
"Do you burn for a touch,
do you lust for a rut,
can I pull you out to love
For you see my dear, I am simply malnourished"
The rain bares a resemblance to my fleeting thoughts
My mind races like a track, but I have gone off
grid-less and gridlock, I have stopped
frantically searching for a key to a lock
But you
You, have awakened the nether
What I thought to be pitch black
has shined through with a gleam
pursuant of brightness I follow your lead
Yellow sky, golden moon, i see a pattern in the seams
of whatever God carefully crafted
the stars are merely but a dream
But I have seen few angel wings,
halos are uncommon
but a blue eyed angel seems to have taken a liking
to my hollow body, and despondent demeanor
and she has blessed me with flowers and records and laughter
I am not certain, and only time can tell
But my gleam has become slightly bigger
and wind chimes have sang to me
saying there is a happily ever after
mossy eyed beauty would you like to start another chapter
flee from the pain that has gripped our essence
beautiful and pure, like the rain I ran after
xxxviii

the trees with soft leaves to shield me from the thunder

pure, pure
like a sunset after a long night of disaster
you are the only soul that can pull me out of this nightmare
mossy eyed angel, I am enthralled with your presence
prescribe to me a dose of your serendipitous heaven.

xxxix

a trip to college, a cathedral, an attempt

being ripped apart by the decrepit winds of time
the hymns of boarding signs and the sting of foreign faces
how am I supposed to travel
when I am no gypsy
my future fortune is shining
a glint of pearl is rusting
I've got a chastity with change
and my fear has an iron grip upon me
it's simply that you want to escape so badly
you spend years dreaming of the day
and when the opportunity arises
your sun has set
the previous years have burned you out
you are nothing but a corpse without a coffin
and here I am, in a cathedral
I've got a canvas in my hand
gonna stain the glass like a painting
god, well, I'm sure he'll understand

xl

New York City blues

New York, 8:27, there's a storm
The drops lace the window,
I see your fingerprints in them.
As the lightning caresses the building tops, as I lust for a
shock.
I find myself bathed in neon lights,
From street corners and tvs,
My words sprawl across the city
And a lukewarm black drips from my pen.
I don't know what it is about smoke and rain that makes me
miss you,
but my mind wanders and stops at the familiar tapping of your
voice on the inside of my skull.
My hollow heart lies dormant,
with a petty pulse and too many clogs,
as my voice does not resemble the thunder.
It does not boom or rustle,
it is not defined and strong.
I am simply the honk of a taxi,
a mild inconvenience,
quickly forgotten and overused.
My words do not flow seamlessly,
they do not ring in your ears or cause for shelter,
I am not the rain, I do not mask the moon and make
eyeshadow drip.
This loneliness pierces me,
it is a black hole, vacant and hollow,
And there is no end in sight.
It swallows everything whole,
leaving my bones flimsy and my voice mellow,
It masks the gleam in my eyes and beat in my chest,
It disintegrates my body and leaves scars in it's wake,
I am a black hole.
I write these words and hope they rhyme, as they long for an
audience.
xli

I have recently met with what I consider my ultimate truth,

An existentialist pleading without root,
And it is:
I do not wish to exist any longer.
I have given up hope,
I can only pray the lightning hears my sorrow.

xlii

a constant//jaded, solemn
Thirty five thousand feet above
the ocean in which I could fall
put my faith in flight, kiss the clouds
It's a little pink out
and I can't comprehend
how the moon can stay so abstinent
as it gazes, and changes faces,
how does it not make love to the sunset
oh, the tale of two intertwined, but distant
when you think about it
aren't we a little similar
I can't expect you to understand
but there's a part of me that wants to repent
there's some crevices that run deeper than my skin
a little void that creates some underlying predicaments
and that ego I've got, you're so familiar of
does it rub you wrong?
I am confident in what I lack,
distant in the information I'll provide,
relatively numb to the feelings associated with
loss, and it's a general consensus
that I've gone a little off the deep end
"dear me,
what's it's like to be so caught up
in the ways of the world
that give so little in return
do you expect to make it,
to live a modest life?
the way you wallow is amazing
you have made a cave inside a deep sea
of apathy and disconnect
and lack of moral obligation
you are jaded, it's crystal clear
you are nowhere near
who you want to be
and what you need to become"

xliii

I've lost some sleep,

not in substantial quantities
a manic night on occasion
maybe triggered by some demons
and a ringing in my ear
a beating in my head
screaming to give it up
the little bit of self control I have
and there's the fact,
the constant that remains
I've got an ocean between me and my family
and the sea so far charted
is simply a tiny dot
in endless drops of water
a waste of space, that took years to interpret
I see rainbows in the reflection
and I can't seem to control my cravings
to rid myself of these oppressive feelings
I'm climbing mountains, but the peak is drifting
it's the epitome of an equation
that simply lacks a solution
and no matter what stars appear to side with me
I'll know that the moon always fucks the sea
and I can't win the attention of a being
who won't give the slightest hint of reciprocation to me
god, if you're out there, we need to speak
I have fallen into the theory, that this is a great charade
and condemn me if you need,
but I am not unshaken in my disbelief
the beauty of the sun and the trees,
the beauty of my flawed genes,
is it all a mistake
because I've been counting the days
and the silence is enough to rot my brain
show me a way
I am lost and so not wish to proceed
I am a black sheep
oh, I have fallen so far from grace

xliv

silky smooth blades

Rain, rain, go away.
The leaves glide in the wind,
as they leave a hollow depiction
of swift blades running through my skin
Silky smooth water,
Prune like fingertips,
Grey goose skies,
Of vanilla vodka eyes,
Rain, rain
darling drops
Come back
The night has not stopped.

xlv

lithium, an old one

I shook off your cool glare
what happened to those lily pad lips
and those springtime eyes
You have not birthed any babies
or bloomed any flowers
It has been nothing but rain
I've been on so much medication, lately
I've got rainy day eyes and a foggy head
and I do not feel, much anymore
but that's okay
You're nothing but a gypsy
you stole my heart
and I do not feel without it
You are not springtime anymore
You are winter rains
I am cold and desolate
So puncture another hole in my heart
it's become nothing but a beating mess of cords,
there is no rhythm, anymore
It does not beat to your eyelash strokes
My head is jumbled and it's getting hot here
Summertime is singing outside the door
Maybe I'll find the spring I so desperately have searched for

xlvi

cacti
I sit outside
on my back porch
watching the rain fall.
The clouds are like
not so sober eyes,
glassy, grey, and lifeless.
When the lightning clashes,
does if tear apart your insides?
Does it shake your hollow core
that once glowed with life?
I see myself in the rain
the drops being the words I wish I'd said,
raining all around you but you're locked inside your house.
I wish we were flowers;
I could be a daisy and you a cacti,
So that way every word that slipped would go right through
your veins,
and you'd hold them for months in your core. It would get you
through the winter, despite the lack of rain,
and my poems would revive your damaged heart.
And maybe someday, you'd let your spikes down for me.
But I'm cut up and bruised anyways;
I guess I've tried too hard.

xlvii

a silent airplane cabin

I live to bathe in the moments in which I don't exist
like when night takes grasp and the house is silent
or when you're aboard an airplane in an asleep cabin
the moments in which you are not even merely a fleeting
thought
when everyone waking loved one has abandoned their
consciousness
and pursuit of moments like these
tends to fight off a hollow, bitter emptiness
when my sins are unaccounted for
and the morning holds all repercussions
a drunken affair in the moonlight
creates topic for a delicate prose
unlike the honest sunlight
beating down upon your toes
for a world in which sins under white light
lack the consequences of a pink sky
is not efficient, nor realistic
but a murder under the night lights
is material for a folklore
passion flares and loneliness is close to follow,
as insomniacs lay manic for a chance to close
their eyes, their thighs, and the void that keeps them up at
night

xlviii

r.i.p. to the old me

Ever since you left its like i've been jaded
and not the kind you'd see on diamond wrists
or ruby red streetlights
the kind of jaded you see in bleak obituaries
the kind of hollow you feel when you bang
an empty wall, or a broken person
but lately i've been delusional and
I've got a pretty watch you gave me a while back
the hands never stopped ticking despite my loss
and in a recent breakdown I attempted to turn it back
now my body is a little less intact and my glass has a crack
its okay, you were more than just a watch
and your memory still burns like a thousand suns
and i have not yet found the courage to live inside new eyes
i have not yet found the courage for my final goodbyes
to a part of me that could not speak, a fleeting reminder
of how i watched you break apart from me
a part of me that has more cavities than a 6th grader on halloween
a part of me that cannot swim, as i feel the weight of the rain around
me
building up around my battered chest, freezing me only to prove i can
be warmed again
by another empty soul and when she bares her beautiful face i will
know that it is not too late
it is not too late to be saved by something other than a god,
repent to lipstick stained lips and praise the voice of an angel without
wings
and when she bares her beautiful eyes i will pray to the stars to teach
me how to shine like them,
because i don't need a god to be saved by grace
and i don't need a heart to indulge in some self pity
because the high school football star or the local junkie are both no
better than me,
my veins flow the same as theirs, despite the heroin or steroids,
and it reminds me that i am not broken beyond repair, i am only in
the process
a broken heart will never define me, and the smoke that burns off a
cigarette will never blacken me,
an unrequited love will not destroy me,
and the death of the old me will not hinder my new beginning
i am no god but i do not need him
and you are no savior but you do not need a cross to save me.

xlix