Running head: REVIEW OF PETERSEN TEXT1

Practical Book Review of Petersen Text

Lori Edwards Azuru
Liberty University

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Summary

James Petersen (2007) illustrates an innovative way of communicating in the book, Why
Dont We Listen Better? Communicating and Connecting in Relationships. This book is divided
into five sections. In part one Petersen (2007) discusses the Flat-Brain Theory of Emotions (p.
10-11). This is his way of explaining what occurs when one is overcome with emotions, and can
no longer communicate with clarity. Petersen (2007) then illustrates in his book what he
envisions to be the stomach (emotions), heart (objectives and interpretations), and the head
(which is where we draw our logical conclusions), to resemble. Flat brain occurs when ones
stomach is filled to capacity with uncomfortable emotions and feelings (Petersen, 2007). This in
return then upwardly impacts the heart, resulting in squashing the brain; therefore causing it to
go flat. He then reminds the reader that one has a choice to become defensive, and be overtaken
by this phenomenon, or to collaborate with those who are involved, to bring about a positive
outcome.
In part two, the talker listening process, is how Petersen (2007) describes the method of
relieving the symptoms of flat brain; this process involves taking turns talking and listening (p.
49). Petersen (2007) also discusses stomach talk, meaning that one is only allowed to share his
or her own insecurities, rather than blaming others (p. 78). He warns his readers that sharing
and thinking is risky business, however, worth it in exchange for a more cherished relationship
(p. 82). Petersen (2007) then uses the recipe of two parts personal and one part logical, to
balance the scales of communication (p. 85).
In part three Petersen (2007), introduces several listening techniques to further
ones communication, including the six communication pitfalls (p. 116-121). These pitfalls are
an attempt to stay in control of the conversation, as well as a clever form of manipulation on the

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part of the speaker (Petersen, 2007). He then goes on to explain the two levels of
communication; the first being more superficial, and the second, immerging into a deeper level
of how one is truly feeling emotionally. Petersen (2007) ends this portion of the book reminding
one to be careful of hidden agendas, and taking on more serious cases such as, someone
suggesting suicide.
In the last sections four and five, Peterson (2007) takes on the challenge of bringing it all
together with examples of the listening game. This is where families learn to interact in a safe
family environment. This is especial helpful for children, while reinforcing the taking turns skills
they have already learned growing up. Peterson (2007) then reintroduces the TLC card to the
group setting; which allows everyone a chance to be heard, respected, and better express
themselves. As Petersen (2007) wraps up the book, he suggests that the TLC card can be useful
with monitoring couples, as well as sharing, negotiating, and closing (p. 203). Lastly, he leaves
us with his philosophy, which is to leave people and places in better a better condition than
when I found them (p. 209).
Respond
When I began reading Petersons (2007) I was amazed at his candidness, his story
drew me in immediately. Because I am a published author myself, I understand how difficult
transparency can be. Petersen (2007) provokes one to deal with the selfish nature within, in
addition to need to win attitude (p. 7). This portion of the book spoke volumes to me.
I grew up in a time where winning was everything at home, school and church.
However, I always seem to be the one who lost. I cowered beneath the hand of my older sister,
strict father, and hierarchy of the church. When I became a young woman, I vowed never to be
mistreated by anyone. I quickly learned to fight back, and believed I had become a winner.

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During this time in my life I had achieved great success in the natural world; however, I had
become very confrontational to my husband and demanding with my children.
Petersen (2007) talks about the six communication traps, and I was guilty on all
charges (p. 116-122). I was constantly dragging my kids and husband into the courtroom, so that
I could prove my case like Perry Mason (p. 116). Often times I won, however, I was destroying
my marriage and distancing our children. I did not know how to control my emotions when I was
challenged with issues. Petersen (2007) refers to this problem as flat brained (p. 10).
Eventually, my marriage ended, and I paid a very costly price for not knowing how to listen
better. Years later, I am remarried, and have put into practice the TLC card without my husband
even knowing it. I have also learned that defending is attacking, (p. 108) and enjoy using the
double- reverse-twist to ward off feelings of defensiveness (Petersen, 2007, p. 43).
Reflect
Because we are reading three different listening skills books within
a small time frame it becomes difficult to separate the three. It is the useful names used in the
techniques is what creates a difference in each book. Petersen (2007) stands out because of his
illustration of the flat brain. We have all experienced it; however describing how it occurs from
the first onset is what make one conscious that an attack is on its way. He takes that which is
spiritual, which is the spirit of offense, and makes it practical, so that everyone can understand
what is really taking place in the mind.
One observation that represented an ah ha moment was when
Peterson (2007) talked about observing pays dividends (p. 58). He discusses what happens
when one is fully aware of his/her behavior, and is able to adjust it to accommodate the other
person, as in the case of Mary and her mother (p. 58-60). This practical teaching lines up with

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the book of Romans chapter twelve. If I were to narrow it down to one verse, it would be, Be
kindly affectionate one to another with brotherly love; in honor preferring one another Romans
12:10 (KJV). This is very useful to me when dealing with the majority of friends who call me to
talk. I have given over to having a mutual friendship, and have resolved that I would always play
the role of the listener.This technique helps to remind me of what I should be doing spiritually
nonetheless; it also helps me not to become resentful concerning the call that God has mandated
over my life. It is sometimes difficult to accept that we are always playing a role. Though it is
true that we grow stronger in character, and in love, during these perpetual times of pressure.
Act
The TLC is one of the valuable instruments that I
will add to my tool box of listening (Petersen, 2007). On the personal side, I have two daughters,
of whom I am very close to. I have now learned to slow down and listen. I can now listen
without owning their problems! I believe that was my biggest challenge with the both of them;
that little card has set me free! I now understand I am not there to solve their problems, however,
to only be a nonjudgmental sounding board. I also understand that there will be occasions when I
will be tempted to fall for the I feel that trap. Moreover, I will resist the urge to disagree,
agree, or force my advice on my young adult daughters. I now realize that they only need me to
be a good mother, role model, and listener (Petersen, 2007, p. 78). I also have three sisters whom
I enjoy spending girl talk time with. We all jump in whenever someone pauses to take a breath.
It will be exciting to introduce the TLC card at a casual dinner (Petersen, 2007).
Petersen (2007) has also given me new tools to use in my ministry.
God has taken me through a transformation since my life changing divorce in 2002. Obviously,
listening was my greatest challenge. Learning to listen to God was paramount in my life, and that

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is where God did his greatest work. Peterson (2007) digs in deep when he begins to cause one to
examine themselves in what he/she is doing to others. The Guiding difficult group discussions
was a very eye-opening tool for me (Petersen, 2007, p. 190). He talks about not fully hearing
others out before we are on the attack, as well as not being able to hear correctly, and repeat back
what was really being said. This is what happens during bible study discussions and womens
groups. I put these techniques into practice because I truly want to see women healed, and
become healers themselves.
Listening is also important in evangelism ministry. We are always quick to throw
our religious beliefs on someone who has not heard the good news of Jesus Christ. We must
listen and find out why they feel a certain way (Petersen, 2007) before we attack them, and drag
them kicking and screaming into the body of Christ. My husband and I are both in ministry and
have spent countless hours arguing with Jehovahs Witnesses, Muslims, and unbelievers. We
sometimes have walked away feeling worse than what we did before the interaction. We felt like
failures, and they felt misunderstood and lastly, the Gospel was lost in translation.
One of things I have learned over the years, is that we all have yet to arrive, we
will only arrive, when Jesus arrives. While we are here, we can put into practice the things and
tools that have been made available to us. By his divine power, God has given us everything we
need for living a godly life 2 Peter 1:3 (NLT).