Pilcrow & Dagger News

Sunday, April 19, 2015

Volume II Edition XV

Extreme Clean
By LeeAnn Rhoden

It seems that one town

has taken the Clean Up
Our Town initiative to the
extreme. Typically, the
Clean Up Our Town group
coordinates
with
municipalities to set up
collection
days
for
hazardous wastes such as
old engine oil, paint,
solvents, other caustic
fluids such as brake and
transmission fluids, antifreeze, etc.
These penalty free
days, usually held every
three months, decreased
the amount of dangerous
materials being sent to
landfills or dumped in
vacant lots by such a
significant amount it was
lauded a success and the
practice
was
adopted
nationwide. The initiative
was then added to.
The Clean Up Our
Town days include yard
trash and construction
trash collection. People
attempting to clean up
their yards are able to
bring branches, cut down
trees, grass clippings,
discarded shrubbery, or
whatever else they are
clearing from their yards.
Also, people who are
remodeling their homes
can bring old bath tubs,
shower inserts, toilets,
sinks, cabinets and a host
of other paraphernalia.
These are difficult
things to dispose of, said
Snowy White of Clean Up
Our Town. This project
nationwide has been a
huge success. We can
compost or recycle the
yard waste, reuse some of

the construction items if

they arent too damaged,
and see to it that the
chemicals are dealt with
appropriately so they dont
end up in our ground
water.
One town, however,
has taken this measure to
an extreme. They cleaned
up their town of chemicals
and trash and then went
further.
We noticed that there
was a lot of dust in our
homes. So we outlawed
curtains and carpets and
upholstered
furnishings
that could be the origin of
dust or play home to dust
mites. We also sweep out
streets
every
night,
explained Mayor Bright.
Spring came as did the
pollen. To eliminate that
we cut down all the trees
and eliminated the pollen
dust too.
To date, the town has
cut down all their trees,
paved over their yards,
removed cloth from their
homes
(except
for
clothing). Pets and animals
have
been
heavily
regulated.
All
newly
adopted pets must be shedfree. Previous pets were
grandfathered in but must
be licensed and checked
every week for bathing.
Its been amazing!
said one citizen. No yard
waste, no pollen, the dust
and
fur
has
been
minimalized. I dont have
to dust or vacuum as often
and theres no yard work
to do. I feel like I have my
life back! I love clean
living!

Impersonators Cause Chaos

By A. Marie Silver

Yesterday afternoon,
homeowners
Sid
and
Sylvia Sarsbee, hosted a
birthday party for their
three-year-old grandson,
Sammy.
The theme was Toy
Story, said Mr. Sarsbee.
He loves that movie. He
watches, it every time he
comes over to our house.
I feel like Woody,
Buzz, Jessie and Bullseye
are members of our
family, said Mrs. Sarsbee.
We havent spent a
Sunday afternoon without
them in over a year.
The Sarsbees decided
to surprise their grandson
by hiring Woody and Buzz
impersonators, a decision
that led to an unanticipated
problem.
We knew that Buzz
and Woody didnt get
along in the first movie but
we assumed that they
made up in the subsequent
films, said Mrs. Sarsbee.
Apparently that was
further from the truth. The
impersonators
allegedly
arrived at the party, drunk
and using foul language in
front of the children.
It was the magic act,
Mrs. Sarsbee said, dabbing
her eyes.

Thats when we knew

there was a problem.
The Sarsbees alleged
in their statement to police
that the Buzz and Woody
impersonators got into a
fist fight over a magic
trick gone bad. At some
point during the act,
Woody was supposed to
stand on top of a table
cloth that appeared to be
floating in mid-air. If all
went well, when Buzz
pulled the table cloth out
from
under
Woody,
Bullseye the horse was
supposed to be underneath
Woody. But thats not
what happened.
The table cloth got
tangled up on Woodys
spurs, said Mr. Sarsbee.
When Buzz yanked it out
from underneath him, he
pulled Woodys leg with
him.
Plus, Bullseye
wasnt anywhere to be
found.
Blaming each other for
the failed trick, Woody
and Buzzy engaged in a
fist fight, throwing each
other into the table with
the food, destroying the
birthday
cake
and
frightening the children.
Mr. Sarsbee tried to break
Continued on Page 2

Weather

Index

Rain, tornadoes, wind,

possible hail, the odd
spring
snow
storm,
sprinkled with sun and
increasing heat.
Beware of the thaw
and use caution around
mud puddles. You dont
know how deep they are.

More News..............Page 2
Dear Monica...........Page 2
Editorial..................Page 2
Letters To Editor................
........Page 2
Rant & Raves..........Page 2
Horoscope...............Page 3
Puzzles....................Page 3
Classifieds...............Page 3

Sunday, April 19, 2015 Page 2

Impersonators
Continued from Page1

up the fight while Mrs.

Sarsbee removed the ten
frightened youngsters from
the room. When they were
safe, Mrs. Sarsbee found a
phone and called police.
The Sheriffs office
arrived, taking Buzz and
Woody into custody.
We didnt want to
make the situation any
scarier for the kids, said
Deputy Randall. So we
told the kids Buzz and
Woody were being placed
on a timeout until their
parents could come for
them.
Cheap Impersonators
& Balloon Artists, the
company responsible for
sending the impersonators,
reportedly reimbursed the
Sarsbees for their fee as
well as the cost of the food
and decorations that were
destroyed in the fight. As
of this report, an attempt to
reach them for an official
comment
has
been
unsuccessful.
If you forgot to preorder your print issue it
is now available on our
Createspace Estore!

Rants & Raves

To the woman sitting in the
booth behind me at Wings
and Things Buffalo
refers to the sauce, not the
animal.
Thank
you
to
the
considerate librarian who
took the time to suggest a
comprehensive reading list
to satisfy my eclectic
tastes. Ill be reading all
summer long!

Volume II Edition XV

Woman Blames
Pancakes
By Snoop Cubby

Marla Mansfield filed a

lawsuit against the House
of Breakfast earlier this
week, claiming their All
You Can Eat Pancake
Specials, caused her to
suffer a rash of health
issues including diabetes,
obesity,
high
blood
pressure and heart disease.
She also claims the
television
commercials
contain
subliminal
messages
brainwashing
people to come to their
restaurants.
I was unable to stick
with any diet because of
their persistent advertisements, said Mansfield.
Its like they knew!
Every time I started up a
new weight loss program
and lost a few pounds, one
of
those
commercials
would air and Id find
myself craving blueberry
and
whipped
cream
covered pancakes. My
cravings were insatiable. It
didnt matter how many
pancakes I ate. I always
wanted more.
Matt Bruer, owner of
the restaurant chain denied
any knowledge of the use
of subliminal messaging
and stated, If people are
unable to resist our
pancakes, perhaps its
because they know these
pancakes are they best
theyve ever had.
The legal staff for the
House
of
Breakfasts
expects to have this case
dismissed
during
the
preliminary
hearing
scheduled next month.
The
claims
are
preposterous,
said
Attorney Max Dillon.
Subliminal
messaging?
Are they serious? Its a
television commercial.

Editorial

Letter To Editor

By Sham Farce

No one likes to pay

taxes. Especially taxes that
go toward public services
such as schools, fire
departments, police, or
even roads. Well, we like
roads that are in good
shape and we like having
our children educated. Its
even a good idea to be able
to call 911 in case your
house is on fire or someone
is breaking into your
house. Still, just what are
the taxes doing for you, if
your house doesnt burn
down, or no one breaks
into your house, or you
dont have children? Not
much, thats what.
This is a proposition to
set before the city council a
petition to allocate our tax
dollars for something that
will benefit everyone yard clean up.
This will not only assist
in
keeping
our
neighborhoods well kempt,
ease the strain on working
families of this chore,
create landscaping jobs,
but most important it will
keep our city aesthetically
beautiful.
Sign the petition and let
your voice be heard!

Dear Mr. Farce,

The article about planet
X in your March 29th
paper
was
indeed
interesting. I enjoy science
and scientific discovery
and as far as Im concerned
the dooms-dayers are all
whack jobs anyway. But I
have to say, that should
Planet X be determined to
be a bonafide planet, it will
be the 10th planet. To me,
Pluto will always be a
planet and it was a true
insult to all outer planets in
every solar system. I dont
believe in discrimination
based on size. So Pluto is
not very big. Does that
really make it less of a
planet?
- Misty Fogg
Mr. Farce,
Regarding the story
about the Vernal Equinox
spurring madness in the
Mahjong ladies, the dog
owners and the Druids all
I can say is that some
people are just plain nuts.
Its not the Equinox, or the
moon, or the planet
alignment that makes them
that way. It is just an
excuse that they latch onto
to allow their brand of
crazy to be freed.
- Lou Cid

Dear Monica
Dear Monica,
I have been trying to
lose weight but I just cant
seem to do it. Every time I
think todays the day I
start my diet something
comes up a birthday
party, lunch with a
girlfriend, cupcakes with
my sons class. Sometimes
the weather is nasty and I
want comfort food. How
can I lose weight and not
miss out on the good things

in life?
- Hungry Helen
Dear Helen,
Well, I could say that
you are perfect the way
you are, or I could say that
depriving yourself isnt
healthy, or that you will
lose weight when youre
ready. But I wont. Im
going Yoda on you Do
or do not. There is no try.
Whatever.

Sunday, April 19, 2015 Page 3

Volume II Edition XV

Classifieds
For Sale
Pre
Common
Core text books.
Math, Language
Arts,
science.
No less than
$1000.
These
will be priceless.
55-gal
metal
drums with lids.
All
empty.
Excellent
for
storing or disposing of items
questionable in
nature. Can be
used as burn
barrels.
Carpet
steam
cleaner. Used.
No longer need
it. Works great.
Gets out stains
and chases of
kids, pets and
husbands.
Mini
Cooper
hood. Respond
to this ad in the
personals. Use
the words Hot
Wheels.

Wanted
Maps. Will take
city maps, state
maps, country
maps.
Also
bound atlases.
Dont trust my
GPS.
Wanted used
golf carts, lawn
mowers,
toy
cars, small gas
or
electric
engines
and
motors.
Also,
lightweight
aluminum
or
fiberglass.
Old furniture for
free. Condition
or
cleanliness
not an issue.
Will pick up and
take
away.
Needed for sons
1st apartment.
Looking for a
slightly
used
Winnebago.
Low
mileage
and
good
condition.

Horoscope
Real Estate
For sale. 3bdrm,
2-bath
rental
with
tenant.
Home
needs
some
repairs. Tenant
in good shape.
For sale 3.5
acres wooded lot
and
part
of
house. Will need
to petition for
own
access
right-of-way.
House
share
includes kitchen
and bath usage.
Notices
Pilcrow
&
Dagger
is
accepting
submissions for
the July issue.
The theme is A
Mid Summers
Dream.
If
youve had a
dream of having
something
published, send
it in!

Pilcrow
Exclamation
Point

Interrobang
Question
Mark
Therefore
Sign
Ampersand
Irony
Mark
Section
Sign

Unscramble the following words

LPRIOCW
ARGGDE
NITEWR
PSGRIN
GNNCALEI
TONEMOHW
RITESOS
NTOICIF
TROYEP
NIFIOONCTN
SSEAY
AELVTR
AESRMD
URESMM
ZAIEMNGA
Answer in next weeks paper

April 20 May 20

May 21 June 20
June 21 July 22

&

July 23 Aug 22
Aug 23 Sept 22

Sept 23 Oct 22
Oct 23 Nov 21

Authority
Point
Because
Sign
Octothorpe

JUMBLE

March 21
- April 19

Dagger

Nov 22 Dec 21

Dec 22 Jan 19
Jan 20 Feb 18
Feb 19 March 20

You need to go to the

doctor to get well. Be sure
to rest and recuperate.
You may feel lonely and
forgotten. Its your turn to
reach out to friends.
A conflict between work
and family has you
confused. Pick one.
Disappointment heads your
way. Learn to deal with it.
Finances have you worried.
Check up on your funds
and adjust your spending.
You may question your
partners motivation. Ask,
dont assume.
You could be getting a
cold. Ease up and rest a
little before you get sick.
Spend time with your
partner today. Theyve
been waiting for you.
You cant take the day off.
You have work and family
concerns to deal with.
Nostalgia colors your day.
Make some calls and
reconnect.
Call
the
bank
and
straighten
out
your
accounts.
Imagining problems dont
make them real. Stop
worrying about stuff.

Cryptogram
Solution to last weeks puzzle

Know the true value of time; snatch, seize, and

enjoy every moment of it. No idleness, no laziness,
no procrastination: never put off till tomorrow what
you can do today.
- Lord Chesterfield