IpOD

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IPods? All manufactured by Apple. Keep it quiet!

~ Julian Assange

This little contraption has saved my life and gotten me out of almost any boring
predicament I've ever had.
~ This Guy on his new obsession.
To this date iPods have killed 2 black men, 2 white men, 2 gays, and 2 men with STDs because
they bought a Microsoft product.

Don't forget to put the seat down!

iN 1999, the first iPod was found, with tons of porn and no good music, deep in the jungles of
East Austria. This led researchers to believe ancient civlizations had died for good cause. The
ipod was 30ft tall, made of 12carrot gold(the best) and,as thought to be said by the writing on
walls in King Tut's tomb, the most highest god of these eartly people.

The iPod, a pathetic attempt at cloning the successful Zune media player, is a money-powered
device produced and sold by Apple Inc. It plays anything by Paris Hilton, Britney Spears, Bush,
and the other Bush. It also has a porn download service built into it ($1,000 extra).
Before adoption by Apple Inc. the idea was presented to Microsoft's CEO Bill Gates who
responded with "iPod?! What a shitty idea!" Bill is now sulking next to his Zune.
An instant hit, iPods slowly grew in popularity to '[ theiR posiTiOn iToday as iThe preferred
iMobiLe musiCal iDeviCe of iChoiCe for iPeople with more iMoney than iSense. Eventually, you
came along and suggested to Apple that they become less hiGh-and-miGhty about themselves;
thus, iN an iMpossiBle partnershiP wiTh MiCrosoft, the youPod was created.
Contents
[show]

iPoliTiCs

iPods sets out to conquer the earth

iThe iPod imaniFesto istates ithat, iDeally, ieverybody ishould iown ian iPod iand iliSten ito ibad
ipop imusiC, iDeally iMadonna iand iU2, iDeally iwhiLe idownloadiNg iGwen Stefani ion ia iPC,
iDeally ia iMac, ialthough iMiCrosoft isoftware iand iDell iwiLl ibe itolerated iuntiL ithe iNstigation
iof ithe iGloriOus irevolutiOn, iotherwiSe iknown ias ithe iVolution.

iPod Yoda loves.

Here follows an extract from the eighteen million points of the iPod manifesto (inspired by
Woodrow Wilson and D.W Griffith's love of racism and white men on white horses).

Myyyy Prrreeeecciioooouuuusss.

1. iPod is a(n) product of capitalism, an evil but beneficial for of privately funded economic
enterprise. The public generally speaks of this as fair and square, a phrase that sells us several
more of our iCuboiDs furtheriNg the cause of iVolutiOn.
3.141591337265358979323846264338327950288419716939937510. PiPod (pronounced "piepod") iS the ratiO between the iCircumference and the iDiAmeter of the ciRcular diSc on the
front of the iPod.
17376. iPod proposes that the iDea(TM) of BiG Brother iS preposterous enough for us to
iNcorporate iNto our plans for the world. BiG Brother shall be used as a cover for our
masquerade, beiNg revealed only when iPod, the true iMaster of the uniVerse, deciDes that the
iTiMe iS iRiGht.
1863. iPod jokes include i whatever but there is many things that cannot uuse i in front like
iglasses or idrops.
1345782. iPod adviSes that the iM((aniF))esto be kept out of publiC liBrariEs. ipods are dead!
cats!
1345783. ((iPod)) suggests that people are encouraged to iDownload the iCensored versiOn oF
the maniFesto on theiR iPods.
12436481. Nano technology, when iNvented, shall be used to iNcorporate the iPod iNto the
miNds of the populous. AccuspuddingpopsatiOns of the braiNwashiNg powers of the iPod are
unfounded and based solely on eviDence stolen from our laboratoriEs.
13000000. Workers of the world uniTe, you have nothiNg to lose but your sense of
iNdiViDualiTy, iHumour, iSexualiTy, iSiGht(TM) and iAdventure that miGht take you beyond
iBoundariEs proviDed and regulated by the iPoliCe.

the iSasuke comes with 10 free emo songs and its own fan following of prepubescent 11-year-old girls
(and one very prepubescent 9-year old boy)!

i Van

The truth behind the iPod

The iPod was actually found by Jesus (several days after the iPods finding Jesus died). After
Jesus's death the iPod went missing later being recoverd in 2001. It dazzle the worlds leading
scientists while little to anyones knowledge it could play music! Unfortunately, no one knew that
the iPod was advanced, TOO ADVANCED! The iPod was a completely self sustainable machine
that had an unlimited amount of battery and, due to the programming of Satan, its one goal was
to improve anything and everything that the iPod considered obsolete. With this programming,
the iPod would go up to random items, people, wildlife, plants, etc. and would say "You are
obsolete!". After having quoted that phrase (which later became its catch phrase when the iPod
starred as a stunt double in the movie A.I.), the iPod would then left click tools scroll down and
then select "Convert to Components". After converting to components would then intergrate the
components into itself making it ----larger---- smaller and more advanced. At one point, the iPod
reached complete advancement after which created a new program for itself. Its new task was

to making everything left into improved versions of themselves. Making up to and over
v9.9.99.999 of almost everything that it didn't intergrate into itself up, until the iPod got bored
with its repedative task and decided to make an improved copy of its self. This was
BBBBBBBBAAAAAADDDDDDDD!!!!!!! after making an improved version of itself the improved
version: iPod v0.0.00.001 integrated the older version into itself making it even more advanced.
This resulted in each new iPod improving itself and intergrating the older version over and over
until an error occurred on version: v6666666666666666666Yoda

The iPod v666(for short) didn't copy itself; instead it copied earth than absorbed the copy and
THE ORIGINAL after that it became so advanced that it absorbed the galaxies and during its
travels absorbed a blackhole and eventually absorbed the universe leaving just itself in a vast
amount of nothingness. Until it absorbed itself. Leaving nothing but nothingness behind.....
except Uncyclopedia... and Meryl Streep...

Known Errors and Flaws

Ivan.gif

My iPod fucked my wiFe!!

~ OJ Simpson on iPod
Because iPods were developed by kiTtens and rushed to the market so quiCkly, the iPod iS
a poorly desiGned deviCe.

Even though iT runs on MS-DOS, the kiTtens iNcluded ported versiOns

of WiNdows errors to make users feel more at home wiTh the new iNterface.

Users have found iT prone to errors iNcluding the dreaded BSOD.

The iPod iS partiCularly piCky about the types of musiC iT wiLl accept for transfer. For
example, the accompanyiNg software recogniSes and rejects downloads of any song from
the 1960s 70s and 80s, especially anything by an unsigned or indie band. Such music can
lead to frequent hard drive malfunction and default back ot the original song contents
usually set to Justin Timberlake and the Pussycat Dolls.

UsiNg the new iPod Nahobo genesisno can cause rectal iPaiN.

If you are lucky it doesn't cause you severe depression, and if it breaks before the
warranty is up, by the time apple decides to do anything, the warranty is over, cos they are
slack

iNew iReleases and iVariAtiOns

This product will train you to be as good as Master Jobs. With Apple, you will never bemessed with again!

No comment

iSpongebob

iNew iPod lineup. iPractical with a 500TB iHard iDisk.

iCod

iDodd

iThinkiCan

iThe new 500TB iPod in black.iRetail: 5000$

iWhenever the iUrge strikes the upper iEchelons of iApple iSociety, a new item is released in
the iPod image.
iVarious iPods have been released and preceded, including:

iCarly- see this article

iPod iMicro - iHolds 50,001 songs, iPhoto, iHD video compatible, uses
technology stolen from CL7 to cook Apple ][s

iPod iPequeo - iHolds 1,000,000 songs, iPhoto, iHD video

compatible, iCalendar goes up to year 9,000

iPod iInvisa - iHolds 8,000,000 songs, every photo ever taken, iPong, iWatch with
48 hour clock

iDick its long and hard baby!!!

iPod iMiniscula - iHolds 60,000,000 songs, every photo that will be taken, and
an iCalendar to year 200,000

iGod - iThe iGod is equipped with a googolplexian

yottabytes(iYB). iThe memmory capacity allows, literally, all the knowledge of the
universe in mp3, txt and mpeg4 formats. iIt should be noted that it destroy
all iProducts it comes in contact with (including itself) within a four mile radius if
its iBattery is fully (or half-way, or not at all) charged. iThe iGod is only possessed
by iBill iGates and iVladimir iPutin (who iStole it from iGates) but is set to be on the
black market in

. The iGod can not possibly be stolen because it is

too heavy to carry more than half a meter every month.

iCod - Waterproof version of the standard player. Must be kept in water at all
times to avoid malfunction. Powered by feeding it bread once a day. When battery dies
completely, iCod can be dipped in batter and eaten with deep-fried potatoe slices
called Chips

iDodd - As well as holding over 50,000 songs (all about Diddy Men), this player is
also capable of advising you about tax returns, satellite navigation (as long as you want
to go to Notty Ash) and generally being fucking irritating. Avoid this model.

iPood - a toilet with built in music player, which is activated by flushing the toilet.

iRaq - As well as holding iNukes, it is unstable and ready to destroy everyone

that ever came iN contact.

Trivia

Unfortunately, the iPod iMini was misnamed, as iT iS actually the siZe of a

Rover iMini car by Rover. iPod miNis may only be purchased by peoplemen orwomen
who enter the store wearing a miNi-skiRt. ThiS requiRement iS waiVed iN Scotland.* ** *
The iButt, to be released iN 2007, iS the next step iN the miNd-control that pervades Apple
Corp. iN testiNg, users experiEnced euphoriA comparable only wiTh kitten huffing.

A deviCe called the iPod Photo iS now on the market, but buyers should note that iT iS
not actually an iPod, but just a photo of one.

The iPod Shuffle has been noted to shuffle repeatedly iNstead of staying put. iT's about
the wiDth of a man's thumb and iS often found stuck iN relatiVely the same places as saiD
thumb. iPod Shuffles may only be purchased by people who move to or viSiT Buffalo, New
York.

The Hewlett-Packard versiOn of the iPod, which iS sometimes known as the hPod, also
doubles as a Hydrogen Bomb. iT iS conviEniEntly pocket siZed.

Another versiOn of the iPod, produced under a liCensiNg agreement wiTh Pamela
Anderson, iS the dPod.

On October 12, Steve Jobs announced the new 10-pound iPod Gigantor. Features
iNclude a 17 iNch display to look at photos and pr0n, 500GB HD space to store pr0n, and a
handy carryiNg case.

The DoomPod iS an iPod made for penguiNs iN the ArctiC and AntarctiC regiOn to
play Doom.

The iPod Seal iS an iPod made of Seals.

There was an unsuccessful marketiNg campaiGn in MexiCo for the Apple iPot.

The iPod staple, whiCh comes stapled to your head for conveniEnce and that "i'Ve got
an iPod stapled to my head!" look.

The iPodendo iS an NES emulator that plays ROM iMages. iT iS also capable of playiNg
MP3s, NES soundtrack code, and other appliCatiOns.

Also, the PiPod was featured by Weebl and Bob

The revPod was desiGned as a variAtiOn of the RevolutiOntendo for miLiTary soldiErs to
liSten to jams on; and to explode on enemy turf when necessary.

The new iBlade. Perfect for listening to emo music, and slitting your wrists! ALL AT THE SAME TIME!!!.

Oftenly has been miStaken as a remote control.

iPod has been known to cause peoples heads to asplode.

iPods can be miStaked as bombs to old people and some dogs. The iBomb can be
related to stuff blowiNg up.

iPods can be used as replacement WiiMots for the NiNtendo Wii

Central TraiNs use iPods to control theiR traiNs and generate excuses

A never seen before variant of the iPod was made, and iS called the iBlade. iT iS
commonly used as a method of reliEviNg oneself of spammers, and of heartless emotiOn
by cuttiNg of the wriSts. iT iS also a handy letter-opener.

iPod Flea iS the siZe of a tiCk tack and can play your favoriTe song over and over agaiN!
To liSten to an album you wiLl need to buy the Flea collar and to buy songs you can go to
the onliNe Apple FleaMarket!

iGay iS an iPod that actiVates the homosexual hormone iN order to breed more
homosexuals.

pie

It has been proven, that every time you charge your iPod, Steve Jobs eats a baby.

Product Application Notes

silhouette advertising featuring abreakdancer

Use a piRated software program called iKnowNothiNgAboutCopyriGhtedTunes to share fiLes

and musiC with foreiGn websiTes and transfer them to your iPod. iF you have an iPod or some
variAtiOn thereof, you can use iT for the followiNg:

Address Book: ViEw the liTtle black book of Madam HeiDi FleiSs to veriFy that
your husband's name does not appear.

Calendar FunctiOn: Schedule tiMes to meet wiTh your crack dealer or your
future mother-iN-law, whiChever iS the least offensiVe. You can even schedule your
upcomiNg nuptiAls well iN advance, but don't bother. After a few months of haviNg thiS
deviCe wiRed permanently to your craniUm, iT's unliKely anyone wiLl want to marry you.
Your heariNg, health, and verbal and sociAl skiLls wiLl be so badly damaged, the only
optiOn left for you wiLl be to joiN a nunnery.

AudiO FiLes: Your iPod can double as a diGiTal voiCe recorder, iF you have enough
diScretiOnary iNcome to purchase all the addiTiOnal overpriCed accessoriEs that are
endlessly marketed to weak-miNded consumers. Use your iPod to record class notes so
you can cheat on a hiStory test, all the whiLe claiMiNg you're really liSteniNg to musiC.

Alarm Clock: Set your iPod to go off at iNappropriAte tiMes, liKe 2:00 AM, when your
stepdad iS tryiNg to get a decent niGht's sleep before hiS early morniNg work shiFt. Leave

the deviCe on your mother's piLlow, but only on niGhts when she has to wake at 5:00 AM to
make an iMportant busiNess meetiNg.
AciD: After your iPod iS permanently wiRed to your braiN, you can make iT giVe you

iMages of briGhtly colored backgrounds agaiNst whiCh you are turned iNto a siLhouette and
forced to dance around liKe an iDiot. This optiOn iS especiAlly popular iN San FranciSco.
Games: Play cute sex games downloadable from that porn siTe your mom doesn't know

about, especiAlly siNce you somehow managed to defeat the securiTy software she
iNstalled. Other games iNvolve NES rom iMages for the iPodendo.
iBrator: HotwiRe the iNternal workiNgs so the whole case shiMmiEs to and fro whiLe

iT's iN your front jeans pocket. (Also see iPod Shuffle.) mmmmmmmmmmmmm~.
Chemotherapy: HotwiRe the iNternal workiNgs so you can save a bundle on your

health iNsurance.
iTs gay

TiPs for usiNg iPod

Here are a few neat iDeas for gettiNg the most out of your iPod.

Spy KiDs: Whenever you wear your iPod headset, leave one ear bud sliGhtly askew so
you can stiLl hear your parents talkiNg. ThiS allows you to selectiVely iGnore comments that
don't iNterest you, whiLe siMultaneously enabliNg you to chiMe iN whenever your attiTude,
taste iN musiC, or maturiTy are questiOned.

Food PyramiD: iPods should never be miStaken for bologna, frankly because they are
more liKely to resemble moldy cheese. iPods make terriBle miLkshakes. Do not put your
iPod iN theblender with iCe cream. However, iT's perfectly okay to substiTute iPod Shuffles
for piNeapple chunks iN liMe Jello. iT iS also okay to substitute an iPod shuffle for a poptart.
iPod nanos can be consiDered go-tarts.

TraiNiNg AniMals iT iS easy to traiN your dog the basiC commands liKe 'siT', 'stay' and
'shoot' wiTh your iPod. SiMply hold down the foreword button and poiNt the iPod at your dog
and yell the command untiL you a) get bored, or b) someone asks what the hell you are
doiNg.

Crafts Projects: Never spread glue on an iPod. iT makes iT harder to remove iT from
your pocket. iNvest iN a heavy-duty hammer to flatten the iPod for scrapbookiNg purposes.

Brotherly Love: Your liTtle brother wiLl benefit greatly iF you show hiM how to shove an
iPod Shuffle up hiS nose. iT's uncomfortable and takes a lot of practiCe, but iT's well worth
iT. Make sure you have a diGiTal camera ready to record the results.

Save up to 30 GB of iPorn!

Toilet Paper: the ipod is a great way to clean up after itself why would you want an ipod!