How to build your self esteem:

People are often confused about what it means to have self-esteem. Some think it has to do with the
way you look or how popular you are with your friends. Others believe that having a great body will
help you gain self-esteem, while many think you actually need to have accomplished something in
order to have good self-esteem.
The simplest way to describe, understand and apply self-esteem is appreciating yourself for who you
are faults, idiosyncrasies, the good the bad and the ugly. Self- esteem is not dependent on what
you have or dont have. Its dependent on the acknowledgement of your strengths and weaknesses
and moving through the world proud and aware.
How can a person increase their self-esteem? Heres how.
People with a good and healthy self-esteem are able to feel good about themselves for who they are,
appreciate their own worth, and take pride in their abilities and accomplishments. They also
acknowledge that while theyre not perfect and have faults, those faults dont play an overwhelming or
irrationally large role in their lives or their own self-image.
1. Assess your Self-Esteem Bank-You cant fix what youre unaware of.
Assessing your self-esteem bank requires you to spend a fair amount of time identifying
irrational thoughts in order to avoid dissatisfaction from within.
Before you begin to assess your (SE) self-esteem you must first understand that, we all have
our not so prideful moments and telling oneself
I suck, I cant do anything right, wont
remedy the problem; instead, take control and acknowledge your flosses and imperfections
and move on.
Exercise:
Get a piece of paper. Draw a line down the middle of it. On the right-hand side, write: Strengths and
on the left-hand side, write: Weaknesses. List 5 of each or even 10. These numbers may seem like
a lot but drafting this list will help you see that you are far greater then you give yourself credit for;
and thats the whole point of this exercise.
If youre having difficulties coming up with a whole 5-10 Strengths and Weakness, think about what
your family, friends and coworkers have said to you over the years. Youre such a great friend;
Youre always there for me! I love the fact that you pay close attention to details Im glad youre a
great cook because I burn water. I love the fact that youre social and outspoken, thats very
attractive. Even if you think the Strengths are not cool or too small, write them down and be
proud, thats what makes you special. You may be surprised at how easy it is to come up with all 10
strengths or even more, when you approach it from this perspective.

Tips:
Transforming Weaknesses into Strengths.
Some of the weaknesses youre now becoming acquainted with may move swiftly and change sides
moving to your Strengths. Sometimes you may see them as weakness when in fact you may be able
to use them as powerful tools called strengths.
Example:
Im too sweet I eat too much
Now you see where I was coming from? Who doesnt want to be loved and have a sweet person by
their side? If eating too much is your weakness, set goals to lose weight, find a suitable diet.
Try to identify weakness they may not be real Weaknesses and take pride in them. Its okay to feel
vulnerable, embrace it if it feels good to you; use it to your advantage.
2. Set Realistic Expectations.
Nothing can damage ones self-esteem than setting unrealistic expectations. It is important when
setting expectations to be honest with yourself and know if your goals are attainable or unattainable
and if the time span is reasonable or not.
Heres a few personal examples.
I remember graduating from college and thinking I was going to be at Director Level by the time I was
30 years old, I graduated when I was only 24 and only gave myself 6 years to be at director level
when I had just jumped into a career I didnt even have a degree for-needless to say, Im still working
my way there,, my other best example is Im going to have 10 children by the time Im 30
fortunately, that has not been the case and I dont want it to be. You see, our minds change over time
and so do the things we may think we want at that particular moment. The things you may want
today may take a different shape or even importance or priority level down the road, so slow down on
your personal pressure to accomplish your goals overnight.
When setting up goals, keep these tips in mind.
1) Be flexible- it adds clarity to your ultimate goal, it helps you adjust your timeline and how youre
going to achieve your ultimate goal and ideas with no additional and unnecessary pressure. 2) Be
open minded-it helps you go far beyond your mind limits allowing your creativity to take over 3)
Be reasonable with the timeline, some goals/changes take longer time then others; taking your
time to accomplish something gives you the opportunity to understand the reason for the change as
well as allowing it to sink in and be a part of your DNA. In other words, it wont be a temporary fix or
change. The change youre seeking will be permanent because you have allowed the change over a
period of time to gradually be a part of you.

Mind Games:
Do not allow your mind to betray you. You have more control of making changes and accomplishing
what you want then you may think. This is why realistic expectations is the basis of making changes
and being successful when goal setting in order to accomplish your goals. The reason for this is
because realistic expectations will protect you from future disappointments and crushing your ego and
self-esteem.
Take this example
I want to shelter my daughter for the rest of her life so she wont get hurt by anyone, <this is very
irrational and unattainable> but guess what? Thats not a reason to stop me from teaching her to be
strong and smart and make smart choices that will in turn help her protect her from getting hurt; see
the difference in expectations? Attainable and Unattainable 101. Always remember, there is difference
between the way we think and the way we should think to better help us get through life and life
challenges.
Tip: *Check your mental expectations and see if they keep disappointing you; Your self-esteem will
thank you.
She will make me happy 2) hell agree with me
a) Analyzing your mental expectations will help you asses your internal and irrational thoughts
and in turn, help you stop the cycle of negative thinking about yourself and reinforce your
negative self-esteem.
b) If those two examples were to turn into negative results, meaning (shes unable to make you
happy when you trusted her to or he not only disagrees with you, he completely disagrees
with you, your (SE) will be brutally crushed because you have mentally relied on others to
agree with your wants; not realizing that you are not giving them the opportunity to tell you or
show you how they feel. How would you feel if someone put all this pressure on you?
c)

Dont get blinded and get lost in your head, allow others to choose how they feel and choose
what they want to do; assuming something will lead you to get disappointed unnecessarily.

d) Be observant of the times you feel tempted to make assumptions on behalf of others, this will
save you heartache. We all do it unconsciously, but its the way you prepare yourself mentally
when it doesnt go your way that makes a difference. Some of us are stronger than others to
deal with disappointments.
e) Theres nothing wrong in being positive and thinking ahead that the person will do as you
wish, the problem comes if the result is not as expected and you feel rejection. Know that

3. Create your own perfection not the perfection others expect from you.
Attaining approval and satisfaction from everyone is unattainable; this is why it is important to
understand what perfection means to you.
Having an idea of the perfect a wife, husband, girlfriend/boyfriend, son or daughter etc. is important
for your self-esteem building. Once your personal idea of perfection has been clearly understood and
identified by you, you can freely go about life making clear choices, based on your wants and needs.
Others expectations of you or even others successes will not affect you in any way; not even if you
try to boycott yourself.
Seeing others winning or even living the life will not affect you neither because you have your own
ideals and ways of going about your perfect life. You may identify specific winners along the way
and use them as an inspiration and reassurance that it is possible to be a winner, but you will not see
them as a competition. Remember, it was their perfection that led them to win not yours.
No one sees perfection the same way the next person sees it. The only difference between someone
with a low self-esteem and someone with a high self-esteem is that the low self-esteem person is yet
to identify their perfections and what perfection means to them and is only focusing on their
imperfections. The person with a high self-esteem on the other hand, already knows what perfection
means to them and equally understand and embrace their imperfections and weaknesses and dont
get bummed for their failures and weaknesses; instead, they utilize their failures to their advantage,
they use it as a tool, as a way of creating different strategy (ies) the next time around or even view it
as an inspiration to try harder next time.
My perfection Vs. Others perfection
Many of us hide who we are and what we like to please others, we see our perfection through the eyes
of others; but in the process, we fail to embrace and love who we are and who we want to be and lose
sense of our own perfection.
Example:
While many women may be able to relate to this example, this example may be used in any scenario
when one is seeing perfection through the eyes of others. I want to have a perfect body like J-Lo
-Make sure youre being realistic in what your perfect or an ideal body means to you and not what
others expect you to have.

Tips:
a) Apply this concept for anything you do, always stop and question yourself to understand if
youre doing it because you feel its time for change or because you feel someone would
appreciate you more if you did or changed something about you. Once this is clear in your
mind you can get that body you want.
b) Accomplishing something for you is different than accomplishing something for someone else.
The reason for this is because youre using another person as the object of your attention and
if this person leaves you or disappoints you in any way, the ideal body or that thing you were

making a change for will take a different shape, interest and level of importance since it wasnt
your ideal body but someone elses.
Furthermore, If your body is slim and you have a straight figure and no curves, it would be important
to know that it will be difficult to attain a pear shape like that of J-lo (refer to realistic and unrealistic
expectations), but as long as you know the steps to reach that goal and you stick to it, you will
accomplish it and be satisfied. Keep in mind that in order to see the difference in your body you have
to eat the right foods and follow a specific regimen which no matter how difficult it may be you, you
will follow because after all youre doing it for you and no one else- this is your perfection
Parade Your Accomplishments:
Make notes of all of your accomplishments daily, weekly or even monthly, parade them in your head if
you have to. It feels good to know you did! As big or as small as they may be, grab a hold of them as
you achieve them and dont de-value them by saying, Oh, that? Thats just so easy for me, no big
deal. It may even be a good idea to keep track of them on a journal so you can you look back and
take pride in your accomplishment list. You see, the key is to get to your smaller then bigger goals
accomplished and move on from each one and make it your personal life project.
Oh and for those weakness also called Imperfections Its just as important to learn from them and
make them your allied in life. We all make mistakes and are far from being perfect, but imperfections
are simply opportunities to learn from and grow. The media, celebrities and movies portray perfection
with their looks and lavish lifestyles, but dont be fooled; theyre just as imperfect as we are. Embrace
your imperfections it feels good.
Tip:
Learn to push yourself out of the self-pity and negative self-talk, these types of self-talks wallow in
one after the other and turn into a vicious circle.

4. Be Willing to Adjust Your Own Self-Image.

Self-esteem building is useless if you base it on who you used to be. The reason for this is because
you are dwelling on things you used to be and are not at the moment. You mightve lost your touch or
youre simply no longer interested or may not be as sharp as you used to. I used to be great at
volleyball, I used to be the star of my team, now Im a lousy player, Im getting old. Remember,
embrace the fact that you were great at that one thing or those things in the past and now your life
interests have changed or perhaps you dont have the time to practice as much and youve lost your
touch. Notice the difference in the way of thinking and the way you can change your self-talk?
Get over your past and how fantastic you used to be, asses the great things about you now and trade
them for the old ones. Perhaps youre great writer or even a great speaker, and couldve been in the
past but either didnt have the interest or the time to be as great as you are today. Theres defiantly
something great about you now; find it! talk about it! and take pride!.

Living in the past will not do you good unless youre using it to your advantage. As I have been
telling you throughout this entire chapter on this book, If you choose to tap into the old you, make
sure it is to your advantage and not to hurt your self-esteem. I was a great Track Runner but I
traded the tracks for a pen; Im now a great writer, If you wouldve asked me what I would be doing
now 15-20 years ago, I wouldve never said Ill be writing screen plays for Broadway. PRIDE IN
TODAY! Self-esteem boost
Tip:
Whenever you find yourself attempting to boycott your self-esteem with negative talk, you know thats
your que to assess you weakness and strengths and refocus on the teachings of this chapter.

5. Stop Comparing Yourself to Others.

Comparing yourself to others is very easy but yet harmful in so many ways. We discussed this in
section 3. Its ok to look at other peoples success as a reference, that success is possible, but
remember that everyone is perfect in their own way if you find that someone who is working out as
hard as you looks better then you, instead of putting yourself down, why dont you ask them about
their diet and routine, who knows you may be able
to do it together. Dont utilize the selfmutilation route before you exhaust all other options.
Seeing others doing better then you may be difficult but always keep in mind that there may be so
many other aspects about that persons life that you may be so much successful at. That same guy
whos body you find to be so amazing is struggling in a loveless marriage, ill parents, missing child
etc., and they may use exercise are their distraction.
No ones life is as perfect as it can be but it may seem that way because the person is able to control
their emotions and focus on the good things in their lives

6. Wrap it up
You have made a great step in getting to know yourself. Self-exploration leads to amazing changes
when youre ready to make them. Most of the people that become interested in the topic are the most
charismatic, balanced and healthiest in any group; you can almost pick them out in a crowd by their
energy and self-acceptance; these people are the most contagious and easy going people to hang
around. Give yourself the opportunity to take a deep dive inside yourself and open yourself to new
opportunities, new thoughts, viewpoints, new friendships and overall, learn to accept and love YOU.