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GettingWed:WhatWeSaidin1986
Anewstudyreportsthatcollegeeducatedwomenwhoarestillsingleattheageof35haveonlya5percentchanceof
evergettingmarried.
Newsweek

June2,1986issueHersisterhadheardaboutitfromafriendwhohadheardaboutiton"PhilDonahue"thatmorning.Hermothergot
thebadnewsviaaradiotalkshowlaterthatafternoon.SobythetimeHarvardgraduateCarolOwens,23,satdowntoafamilydinnerin
Boston,thediscussionofthemanshortagehadreachedafeverishpitch.Withsixunmarrieddaughters,Carol'ssaidhermotherwas
soundinganalarm."You'vegottogetoutofthehouseandmeetsomeone,"sheinsisted."Now."
ItwasValentine'sDaywhenSharonMakoverlearnedofitonthenews,andtheironydidnoteludeher."Ithought,'ThisisnotwhatI
wanttobehearingtoday"."Havingrecentlysplitupwithoneboyfriend,Makoverwasatacrossroads:shouldshethrowherselfintoher
careerorcommittoanewboyfriendlivinginanothercountry?"ItgotmethinkingaboutwhatIwantedtodowithmylife,"saysMakover,
26,acuratorialassistantattheJewishMuseuminNewYork.Amonthlatershewasengaged.
Allthingsbeingequal,LosAngelesscreenwriterNancyRiggwouldpreferhavingahusband.Nevertheless,thenewsinfuriatedher."It
reinforcesanoldmyththatonceyouhit30,you'reoverthehill,"saysRigg,36."Iimaginethatwomenwhoarebuyingintothisarepretty
depressedrightnow.ItwaslikeMosescamedownthemountainandsaid,'Booonyouwomen"."
Thetraumaticnewscameburiedinanariddemographicstudytitled,innocentlyenough,"MarriagePatternsintheUnitedStates."Butthe
direstatisticsconfirmedwhateverybodysuspectedallalong:thatmanywomenwhoseemtohaveitallgoodlooksandgoodjobs,
advanceddegreesandhighsalarieswillneverhavemates.Accordingtothereport,white,collegeeducatedwomenborninthemid'50s
whoarestillsingleat30haveonlya20percentchanceofmarrying.Bytheageof35theoddsdropto5percent.Fortyyearoldsare
morelikelytobekilledbyaterrorist:theyhaveaminuscule2.6percentprobabilityoftyingtheknot.
Withdays,thatstudy,asitcametobeknown,setoffaprofoundcrisisofconfidenceamongAmerica'sgrowingranksofsinglewomen.For
yearsbrightyoungwomensinglemindedlypursuedtheircareers,assumingthatwhenitwastimeforahusbandtheycouldpencilonein.
Theywerewrong."Everybodywastalkingaboutitandeverybodywashysterical,"saysBonnieMaslin,aNewYorktherapist."Onepatient
toldme'Ifeellikemymother'sfingeriswaggingatme,tellingmeIshouldn'thavewaited"."Thosewhoweren'tsadgotmad.Thestudy
infuriatedthecontentedlysingle,whothoughttheywerebeingtoldtheirliveswereworthlesswithoutaman."I'mnotalittlespinsterwho
sitshomeFridaynightandcries,"saysBostoncontractorLaurenAronson,29."I'mnotmarried,butIstillhaveameaningfullifewith
meaningfulrelationships."
Infact,thestudydoesn'tsaythatwomenshouldgetmarriedorevenspeculateabouthowmanywouldliketodoso.Itmerelypointsout
thatforthosewhowait,"notnow"probablymeans"never"anditpertainsmainlytothehugecohortofbabyboomerwomen,victimsof
whatdemographerscallthe"marriagesqueeze."Between1946and1956eachyear'snewcropofbirthswasgreaterthantheonebefore.
Sincemostwomenmarrymenseveralyearstheirsenior,babyboomerslookingtopairupwithevenslightlyoldermenfaroutnumberthe
availablepool."Ifwetriedtomatcheachwomanbornin1950withamanthreeyearsolder,wewouldcomeoutwithmillionsofwomen
leftover,"reports"TheFeminizationofLoneliness,"astudyoutoftheUniversityofCalifornia,Berkeley.
Numbersgame:Blackwomenfaceanevenlargergap,sincetherearefarfewerblack,collegeeducatedmalesthanfemales.Andthe
olderawomangets,theworseherchancesoffindingasuitablepartner.Onereasonisthatdivorcedmenremarrywomenfourtoseven
yearsyounger.Factorinagaymalepopulationestimatedtobe13percentthreetimesthatoflesbiansandyouhaveanumbersgame
womencan'twin.
Evenmoreunsettlingthanthestatistics,however,arethelongtermsocialimplications.Thestudyreflectsatimeoftransitionformillions
ofwomenandfortheinstitutionofmarriageitself.Manycareerwomennolongerneedhusbandsforeconomicsecurity.Nor,thankstothe
sexualrevolution,dotheyneedtomarryforsex.Indeed,asthemarriageratehasdeclined,thenumberofpeoplecohabitinghasbeen
risingsharply,quadruplingsince1970.Butwhilecouplescontinuetogettogether,theyseemtohavetroubleconnecting.Thereasonis
thattherulesofthemarriagegamehavechanged."Thistalkofintimacyratherthansecurityisarelativelynewphenomenon,"says
BerkeleypsychologistLillianRubin,authorofthebook"IntimateStrangers."Menandwomenarestrugglingtoreachanew
accommodation.Eventhoughmensaytheyrespectwomen'scareeraspirations,manyopenlylongforfulltimewivesandmothers.For
professionalwomen,thechallengeistoremainindependentwithoutsacrificingcompanionship.
Manywomenintheir30sfacingbiology'stickingclockaresettingaboutthetaskoffindingamatewiththesameefficiencytheyhave
broughttomanaginginvestmentportfolios.There,atleast,theyarenotalone.Aboomingsinglesindustryhasemergedtocatertoamore
upscaleclientele,andpeopleareplayingmatinggamestheyneverwouldhaveconsideredafewyearsearlier(page58).Andmany
womenhavefranklycometotermswithstayingsingleperhapsevenpreferringittosettlingforMr.Wrong.Somearecreatingsurrogate
familiesmadeupoffellowsinglesothersarehavingoradoptingchildrenontheirown.Clearly,womenarenolongputtingtheirliveson
hold.
'Selectgroup":PerhapsnoonewasmorestunnedbythereactiontothestudythantheauthorsYalesociologistsNeilG.Bennettand
PatriciaH.Craig,andHarvardeconomistDavidE.BloomwhodisclosedtheirfindingsinaninterviewwithasmallConnecticutpaper.The
reportwaswidelymisunderstood,whichisnotsurprisinggiventhatitisstillunpublished.Foronething,8outof10femalecollege
graduateswillmarry,sotheresearchersareadmittedly"talkingaboutaselectgroupofwomen."(Thereasontheydidn'tstudymale
marriagepatternsisbecausenoreliablecensusdatawereavailableformen.)Theyalsoacknowledgethat"aswithanydemographic
predictionthereisnocertainty."It'sconceivable,forexample,thatlargenumbersofwomenwillsuddenlybegintomarrymuchlaterthan
themeanageof24,ortomarryyoungermenbuttheywouldhavetodosoinunprecedentednumberstostatisticallychangethetrend
line.
Theauthorsarecarefultonotethattheirpredictionsrepresentstatisticalaverages,notindividualodds.Theyalsopointoutthatwomen
bornafter1957,whenthebabyboompeaked,shouldfacearosierstatisticalpicture:theeversmallercohortofwomenwillbedrawingon
alargerpoolofsomewhatoldermen.Sofartheanalysis,basedon1982censusdatafor70,000households,hasyettobechallenged.

Thestudy'smainmessagethatdelayingmarriagemayultimatelymeanforgoingitclearlycameasaslapinthefacetothisgeneration's
bestandbrightestwomen."Whenyoulookatmenwhodon'tmarry,you'reoftenlookingatthebottomofthebarrel,"saysBerkeley
sociologistNancyChodorow."Whenyoulookatthewomenwhodon'tmarry,you'relookingatthecreamofthecrop."Careerpatternsare
mainlytoblame.Upandcomersareexpectedtoworkhardestintheir30sthatthosearealsotheyearsacareerwomenwouldwedand
havechildrenishertoughluck.
Outofcirculation:ConsiderpediatricianCatherineCaseyfromArlington,Va.,whoifshewereamanwouldbeconsideredagoodcatch.
At38,shefeels"mytimeclockisstrikingmidnight.That'satoughrealization,thatyoumayhavewaitedtoolong."Shedidn'tplanitthat
way."IneverdoubtedthatIwouldgetmarried,andIneverthoughteducationorcareerwouldhaveanythingtodowithit."Therigorsof
hermedicaltrainingkeptCaseyoutofcirculationinher20s.Thecredentialssheacquiredthereonlymakeittoughernow:shehasno
"incomeoreducationrequirements,"butshesaysit'sdifficulttofind"appropriatemen."
Mostwomensaytheywanttogetmarried.Butatthesametimetheyseemtobeaskingthemselves,atwhatcost?Formany,the
possibilityofscalingbacktheircareersorchangingthewaytheyliveissimplynotworthit.SallyJackson,thepresidentofasuccessful
publicrelationsfirm,saysshe"justnevergotaroundtomarrying.ForalongtimeIjustwasn'tready.Nowitseemsalotlessimportant."
Havinglivedaloneformanyyears,theattractiveblondehascometoenjoyhaving"totalcontrolovermylivingenvironment,"includinga
charming18thcenturycottageoverlookingtheIpswichBay.Notthatsheisunalterablyopposedtomarrying.Jackson,39,maintainsthat
ifalawwerepassedrequiringhertomarryinsixmonths,shecouldprobablyfindaman"IfIwerewillingtodowithoutthebellsand
whistles."Butwhybother?SaysJackson:"Thedifferencebetweenbeingunhappilysingleandunhappilymarriedisthat,inthefirstcase,
onephonecallcanturnitaround.Theothertakesalotmorework."
Whenitcomestopickingaspouse,fewpeopleliketothinkofthemselvesaschoosinganythingbutthebest.Butthereluctanceto
compromiseisespeciallystrikingamongbabyboomers,whoformnotonlythemostpopuloussegmentofAmericansocietybut,arguably,
themostspoiled.WilliamNovak,authorof"TheGreatAmericanManShortage,"callsitthe"'I'mokayyou'dbetterbeperfect'syndrome."
Yuppiesare,afterall,survivorsoftheMeDecade,whoseemphasisonselffulfillmentoftentranslatedintoaninabilitytocommittoothers.
Theresult,formanysingles,hasbeenastringofserialrelationshipsthatultimatelydisappoint.Then,saysDenversocialworkerMichael
Pass,"somethingbetweenpessimismandrealitysetsin.Peoplegetscared.Thedefensesbegintobuildup."
Curiousmix:Manyoftoday'ssinglesbringacuriousmixtureofrankcynicismandstarryeyedromanticismtotheirquestforamateas
thoughitwerenotworthgivingupspaceintheirclosetsforanythinglessthanMr.Perfect.TwoyearsagoAndreaQuattrocchibrokeoffan
engagement.Herfiancewas"veryloving,veryoldfashioned,butIfeltlikeIwassettlingforsecondbest."Now28,theBostonsales
managersayssheiseagerforsomeone"wholikesallthethingsIlike.Likeiftheyhatesailingthat'sreallyadeterrent.Iliketo
experienceeverythinginlife.Soiftheyhatesushi,Ican'tstandthat."Still,Quattrocchi'sdesiretohaveafamilyissostrong,shemay
havetosettleforameatonlymanthenexttimearound.
SusanCohenwishesshehadbeenabletoseeherwaycleartothealtar."Notbeingofsoundmind,"sherefusedseveralmarriage
proposalswhenshewasyounger.Lookingback,sheconcludesthatshewasimmaturetoolong."Ihadalongrunofbeing22,"shesays.
"IthinkIwas22untilIwas38."Now40,theNewYorkfashionconsultantisfinallyreadyforaman,ifnotnecessarilyahusband."Iwould
reallyliketomeetsomebody."
Mostmenwouldliketomeetsomebodyandmarry,too,buttheirfeelingsofselfworthcomeprimarilyfromwork.Forwomen,however,
marriageseemstobefarmorecentraltotheirbasicidentities.Evennow,manysingles,includingthosewithoutanyhusbandprospectsin
sight,cannotimaginenevermarryingandintheirmostprivatemomentstheytestifytotheanguishofbeingsingle."Youhaveagreatday
atworkandyouwanttocelebrate,butyoudon'thaveanyonetocall.Oryouhaveabaddayatworkandallyouwantisforsomeoneto
puthisarmsaroundyou,"saysCathyPorter,32,arealestateappraiserinLosAngeles."Menhavebecomeanobsessionwithme.Evenif
he'snotforme,Iwanthimanyway,soit'shardtoletgo."
Thepainmaybemostacuteforsinglesintheir30swhostillcanhavechildrenbutarerunningoutoftime.Eventhoughagrowingnumber
ofwomencananddohavekidsontheirown,"veryoftenwhatawomenwantsisnottheactualchild,"explainsUCBerkeleypsychologist
KarenPaige."Shewantstheclosenessandintimacyofawholefamily.""Allmyfriendsarehavingkids,"saysPennyStohn,33,adirector
fortheNewJerseyDepartmentofHigherEducation."TheytellmehowglamorousmylifeisbutIjustsitthereandenvythemtheirkids."
Men,ofcourse,donotfeelthatpressure.AsChicagoaccountantTimBussey,27,putsit:"Womenareunderthebigtimecrunch.They
don'thaveforeverthewayamandoes."Withbiologyanddemographicsontheirside,manymencanexercisewhatLaurelRichardson,
authorof"TheNewOtherWoman,"calls"ultimatumpower":thereislittleimpetustostickoutadifficultrelationshiportomeetanolder
woman'schildbearingschedule."Ifyouhaveafightwithonewoman,itisn'tsotraumatic,"saysMurrayManus,32,alawyerinChicago.
"Youthink,sowhatthereareothersoutthere."OnedatetauntedChristineStroebel'swiththenewstudy,makingaspecialpointof
tellingthe30yearoldChicagoanaboutherdiminishingchances.
Despitewhatwomentelloneanother,notallmenarejerks.WhenChicagoTribunewritersCherylLavinandLauraKaveshbegantheir
syndicatedsinglescolumn,"TalesFromtheFront,"oneyearago,theywereamazedbythevolumeofmailfrommenwithlegitimate
complaints.Onefrequentcavil:womendon'treallyappreciateniceguys.Anotheristhatsuperachievingwomensetimpossiblyhigh
standards.BillAmatneek,agoodlooking40yearoldcomputerconsultantfromMillValley,Calif.,whosayshewantsawifeandchild,has
encounteredbothproblems.Heblamesthewomen'smovementfor"makingwomenhaveacriticalattitudetowardmen:'Menaretoo
macho.Menaren'temotionalenough.'It'snotfunhavingawomanalwaystellyouwhat'swrongwithyou."Worse,saysAmatneek,the
demographicnumbersdon'ttellthewholestory."It'snotabuyer'smarketifyou'reshy.It'sironicthatwomensaytheywantsensitive
men,butendupmarryingaggressivemen."
'Emptyhouse":Behindthemutualrecriminationsisagooddealofuncertaintyoverhowtoproceedwithouttheoldrulesinplace.In
principle,postfeministmensaytheyadmireprofessionalwomen.Butwhenitcomesdowntoit,manymendon'twanttoputupwiththe
hasslesofatwocareerfamily."IbelieveinequalitybutIwantamoretraditionalrelationship,"saysRickKurson,33,astockbrokerin
Boston."Iwanttocomehometoadinner,nottoanemptyhouse."
Inasense,it'samazingthereareanysinglesleft,consideringthestaggeringandingeniousservicesavailabletomatchthemup.In
CherryHill,N.J.,thelocalmeatmarkethasliterallybecomethemeetmarket.EveryTuesdaynightattheShopNBag,asmanyas2,000
menandwomenwearingnametagscheckeachotheroutoverthebroccolianddetergent,hopefulthatamagicencounterintheaisle
couldleadthemdowntheaisle.
Womenshoppingaroundthesedaysarebroadeningtheirdefinitionofanacceptablemate.AccordingtoNewYorkmarketingexecutive
PhyllisGreen,whosurveyeddatingattitudes,theolderwomen/youngermanmatchupis"anincreasinglyattractivealternative."When
GloriaTurner,40,startedseeingJeffreyRichardson,11yearsherjunior,sheworriedabout"beingatdifferentstagesofthelifecycle."
Afternearlythreeyears,thedivorcedNewYorkbankerhascometoviewRichardson'sageasadistinctadvantage."Hedoesn'tseemas
threatenedbymycareerassomeoldermen,"saysTurner."Oldermenrequirealotmoreofmytime."

Somewomensimplyaren'twaitingaroundformen.Nowhereisthedeterminationtomakealifeforoneselfclearerthanamongwomen
havingchildrenontheirown.Thefastestgrowingrateofsinglemothersisforwhitewomenbetweentheagesof30and34.Tobesure,
mostsaytheywouldpreferhavingaconventionalfamily,butmanyfinanciallysecuresinglessaytheywillnotgiveuphavingchildrenjust
becausetheydonothavehusbands.
Forsome,actuallygivingbirthisanimportantpartoftheexperienceothersarehappytoadopt.Aftermanyyearsonherown,Lillian
Brown,anassociatedeanattheCityCollegeofNewYork,isabouttoadopta10yearoldgirl.At50,Brownhas"cometotermswith
beingasinglewomanandbeingquitecomfortableinthatrole."Likemostwomen,Browngrewupassumingshewouldonedaymarry,but
itwasn'ttillher30sthatsherealizedshetrulypreferredbeingsingle.Shellingout$52,000forabrownstonewasabigstep."Isaidto
myself,'WhyamIsittingaroundwaitingforsomeknightinshiningarmortogetmeahouse?"'
Makingamajorpurchasecanbeapowerfullysymbolicact.Singlewomenhavemergedasthefastestgrowinggroupofnewhomebuyers.
Insomecasestheyaretreatingthemselvestothesortsofluxuriesthattraditionallycameasweddinggifts.Anumberofdepartment
storeshaveintroducedthe"SelfRegistry,"forsinglestolisttheirchinaandcrystalchoices.JillRoland,aNewYorkpublicist,signedupat
Bloomingdale'sforatoaster,clockandcoffeemakerandgotthemall."They'refromclientsandfamilymemberswhowantedtogivemea
housewarminggiftorsomethingformybirthday,"saysRoland,25.
'Orphans'dinners:Still,whatsinglescravemostiscompanionship."It'sachallengetobesingletoday.IhaverelativesinColoradoandon
theEastCoast,soIdon'thavefamilytohavedinnerwithonSunday,"saysscreenwriterRigg.Somesinglesbandtogetherfor"orphans"
dinnersatholidaysandtakecomfortinsurrogatefamilies.Manywomenspeakoffemalefriendsaspermanentpartsoftheirlives,themen
astransient.Indeed,expertssaythatoneofthepositivesideeffectsofthemanshortagehasbeenthereemergenceofthevalueof
community.
Forbetterorworse,forricherorpoorer.Todaythepoetryofthemarriagevowhascometorepresentapracticalchoice.Formany
economicallyindependentwomen,theconsequencesoftheiractionshavebeguntosetineventhoughtheysaytheywanttomarry,they
maynotwantitenough.Ultimately,ofcourse,whethertowedisthemostpersonalofdecisions,basedonindividualdreams,neuroses
andprioritiesasmuchasondemographicconditions.Thosenumberswillimproveforfuturecohorts.Butthesocialrealitiesunderlying
themprobablywillnotchange.Youngerwomenwillcontinuetofacedifficultchoicesaboutwhethertomarryandwhen.Chastenedbythe
newsthatdelayingequalsforgoing,theyjustmaywanttogivethoughttothequestionssoonerthanlater.
ByEloiseSalholzwithReneeMichaelinNewYork,MarkStarrandShawnDohertyinBoston,PamelaAbramsoninSanFranciscoandPat
WingertinWashington
URL:
https://web.archive.org/web/20071110122118/http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/12940202/site/newsweek/

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