Dreaded Lawyer/Esquire Jokes

Compounded

Compliments of Barry J. Lipson, Esq.

1

Dreaded Lawyer/Esquire Jokes

Compounded
Compliments of Barry J. Lipson, Esq.
See, see what should I see.
A horses head where his tail should be?
And who would this displacement be blamed on?
Why, the Esquire/Squire who traditionally is charged with:
Taking care of the knight's horses, and
Replacing the knight's horse with a new horse
or the squire's should the horse be injured or killed,
or presumably displaced (Wikipedia).

And the Esteemed Squire, the Esquire

(or perhaps here today the eSquire),
is the Abogado, the Attorney, the Lawyer!
So in this little couplet lies a tale
Here we hear the displaced tall tail tale,
The horses head replaced with tail tall tale,
The benighted knights squires tall tail tale.
Placing, displacing, replacing unwarranted
belittling blame (a shame!) on the Esquire/Lawyer.
For in the dreaded dead of night,
the horsing around, the horseplay of the horse,
in turning around to expose his base, his rear, his ass,
to the donkeys, the squires clients.
Thus, giving birth there in their belittling benighted minds,
the basis for these baseless, these base Lawyer Jokes,
that hear ye we herein compound for you today!
<><><><><><><>

Now For The Horse Play!

Read On & Enjoy!!!

Dreaded Lawyer/Esquire Jokes

A housewife, an accountant and a lawyer were asked "How much is 2+2?"
The housewife replies: "Four!".
The accountant says: "I think it's either 3 or 4. Let me run those figures through my
spreadsheet one more time."
The lawyer pulls the drapes, dims the lights and asks in a hushed voice, "How much do
you want it to be?"
A man went to a brain store to get some brain for dinner. He sees a sign remarking on the
quality of professional brain offered at this particular brain store. So he asks the butcher:
"How much for Engineer brain?"
"3 dollars an ounce."
"How much for <other generic profession> brain?"
"4 dollars an ounce."
"How much for lawyer brain?"
"100 dollars an ounce."
"Why is lawyer brain so much more?"
"Do you know how many lawyers you need to kill to get one ounce of brain?"
A grade school teacher was asking students what their parents did for a living. "Tim, you
be first," she said. "What does your mother do all day?"
Tim stood up and proudly said, "She's a doctor."
"That's wonderful. How about you, Amie?"
Amie shyly stood up, scuffed her feet and said, "My father is a mailman."
"Thank you, Amie," said the teacher. "What about your father, Billy?"
Billy proudly stood up and announced, "My daddy plays piano in a whorehouse."
The teacher was aghast and promptly changed the subject to geography. Later that day,
she went to Billy's house and rang the bell. Billy's father answered the door. The teacher
explained what his son had said and demanded an explanation.
Billy's father said, "I'm actually an attorney. How can I explain a thing like that to a
seven-year-old?"
Heard Alan King tell this on an Ed Sullivan retrospective:
The other day my house caught fire. My lawyer said, "Shouldn't be a problem. What kind
of coverage do you have?" I said, "Fire and theft." The lawyer frowned. "Uh oh. Wrong
kind. Should be fire OR theft."
A lawyer died and arrived at the pearly gates. To his dismay, there were thousands of
people ahead of him in line to see St. Peter. To his surprise, St. Peter left his desk at the
gate and came down the long line to where the lawyer was, and greeted him warmly.
Then St. Peter and one of his assistants took the lawyer by the hands and guided him up
to the front of the line, and into a comfortable chair by his desk.
The lawyer said, "I don't mind all this attention, but what makes me so special?"
St. Peter replied, "Well, I've added up all the hours for which you billed your clients, and
by my calculation you must be about 193 years old!"
The Pope and a lawyer find themselves together before the Pearly Gates. After a small
quantum of time which was spent discussing their respective professions, ol' St. Peter
shows up to usher them to their new Heavenly station. After passing out wings, harps,
halos and such, St. Pete decides to show them to their new lodgings. Only a brief flight
3

from the welcome, Pete brings them down on the front lawn of a huge palatial estate with
all sorts of lavish trappings. This, Pete announces, is where the lawyer will be spending
eternity, (at least until the end of time..)
"Hot Dang", the Pope says to His-self, "If he's getting a place like this, I can hardly wait
to see my digs!".
They take flight once again, and as Pete leads on, the landscape below begins to appear
more and more mundane until they finally land on a street lined with Brownstone houses.
Pete indicates the third walkup on the left as the Popes new domicile and turns to leave,
wishing the pontiff all his best.
The Pope, in a mild state of astonishment, cries out, "Hey Pete! What's the deal here?
You put that lawyer in a beautiful estate home and I, spiritual leader of terra-firma, end
up with this dive?"
Pete looks at the pontiff amusedly and replies, "Look here old fellow, this street is
practically encrusted with spiritual leaders from many times and religions. We're putting
you here with them so you guys can get your dogma together. That other guy gets an
estate, because he's the first lawyer to make it up here!!"
The lawyer is standing at the gate to Heaven and St. Peter is listing his sins:
1) Defending a large corporation in a pollution suit where he knew they were guilty.
2) Defending an obviously guilty murderer because the fee was high.
3) Overcharging fees to many clients.
4) Prosecuting an innocent woman because a scapegoat was needed in a controversial
case.
And the list goes on for quite awhile.
The lawyer objects and begins to argue his case. He admits all these things, but argues,
"Wait, I've done some charity in my life also."
St. Peter looks in his book and says, "Yes, I see. Once you gave a dime to a panhandler
and once you gave an extra nickel to the shoeshine boy, correct?"
The lawyer gets a smug look on his face and replies, "Yes."
St. Peter turns to the angel next to him and says, "Give this guy 15 cents and tell him to
go to hell."
A Dublin lawyer died in poverty and many barristers of the city sub- scribed to a fund for
his funeral. The Lord Chief Justice of Orbury was asked to donate a shilling. "Only a
shilling?" said the Justice, "Only a shilling to bury an attorney? Here's a guinea; go and
bury 20 more of them."
At the funeral of a lady was her doctor, a friend and her lawyer. Each had promised her
that at her funeral they would toss $1000 into her grave. The doctor and friend each
tossed in their $1000 cash, after which the lawyer removed the cash and placed a check
for $3000.
A lawyer and a physician had a dispute over precedence. They referred it to Diogenes,
who gave it in favor of the lawyer as follows: "Let the thief go first, and the executioner
follow."
"How can I ever thank you?" gushed a woman to Clarence Darrow, after he had solved
her legal troubles. "My dear woman," Darrow replied, "ever since the Phoenicians
invented money, there has been only one answer to that question."

Carlson was charged with stealing a Mercedes Benz, and after a long trial, the jury
acquitted him. Later that day, Carlson came back to the judge who had presided at the
hearing.
"Your honor," he said, "I wanna get out a warrant for that dirty lawyer of mine."
"Why?" asked the judge. "He won your acquittal. What do you want to have him arrested
for?"
"Well, your honor," replied Carlson, "I didn't have the money to pay his fee, so he went
and took the car I stole."
"You seem to have more than the average share of intelligence for a man of your
background," sneered the lawyer at a witness on the stand. "If I wasn't under oath, I'd
return the compliment," replied the witness.
Definition of a lawyer: a man who helps you get what's coming to him.
Diogenes went to look for an honest lawyer. "How's it going?", someone asked. "Not too
bad", said Diogenes. "I still have my lantern."
A woman and her little girl were visiting the grave of the little girl's grandmother. On
their way through the cemetery back to the car, the little girl asked, "Mommy, do they
ever bury two people in the same grave?"
"Of course not, dear." replied the mother, "Why would you think that?"
"The tombstone back there said 'Here lies a lawyer and an honest man.'"
The defendant who pleads their own case has a fool for a client, but at least there will be
no problem with fee-splitting.
These two guys, George and Harry, set out in a hot air balloon to cross the Atlantic
Ocean. After 37 hours in the air, George says, "Harry, we better lose some altitude so we
can see where we are". Harry lets out some of the hot air in the balloon, and the balloon
descends to below the cloud cover. George says, "I still can't tell where we are, lets ask
that guy on the ground". So Harry yells down to the man, "Hey, could you tell us where
we are?". And the man on the ground yells back, "You're in a balloon, 100 feet up in the
air". George turns to Harry and says, "That man must be a lawyer". And Harry says,
"How can you tell?". George says, "Because the advice he gave us is 100% accurate, and
totally useless". That's the end of the Joke, but for you people who are still worried about
George and Harry: They end up in the drink, and make the front page of the New York
Times: "Balloonists Soaked by Lawyer".
Product Liability Suit
In The United States District Court, Southwestern District, Tempe, Arizona Case No.
B19293, Judge Joan Kujava, Presiding
Wile E. Coyote, Plaintiff vs. Acme Company, Defendant
Opening statement of Mr. Harold Schoff, attorney for Mr. Coyote:
My client, Mr. Wile E. Coyote, a resident of Arizona and contiguous states, does hearby
bring suit for damages against the Acme Company, manufacturer and retail distributor of
assorted merchandise, incorporated in Delaware and doing business in every state,
district, and territory. Mr. Coyote seeks compensation for personal injuries, loss of
business income, and mental suffering caused as a direct result of the actions and/or gross
negligence of said company, under Title 15 of the United States Code Chapter 47, section
2072, subsection (a), relating to product liability.
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Mr. Coyote states that on eighty-five separate occasions, he has purchased of the Acme
Company (hereinafter, "Defendant"), through that company's mail order department,
certain products which did cause him bodily injury due to defects in manufacture or
improper cautionary labelling. Sales slips made out to Mr. Coyote as proof of purchase
are at present in the possession of the Court, marked Exhibit A. Such injuries sustained
by Mr. Coyote have temporarily restricted his ability to make a living in the profession of
predator. Mr. Coyote is self-employed and thus not eligible for Workmen's
Compensation.
Mr. Coyote states that on December 13th, he received of Defendant via parcel post one
Acme Rocket Sled. The intention of Mr. Coyote was to use the Rocket sled to aid him in
pursuit of his prey. Upon receipt of the Rocket Sled, Mr. Coyote removed it from its
wooden shipping crate and sighting his prey in the distance, activated the ignition. As Mr.
Coyote gripped the handlebars, the Rocket Sled accelerated with such sudden and
precipitate force as to stretch Mr. Coyote's forelimbs to a length of fifteen feet.
Subsequently, the rest of Mr. Coyote's body shot forward with a violent jolt, causing
severe strain to his back and neck and placing him unexpectedly astride the Rocket Sled.
Disappearing over the horizon at such speed as to leave a diminishing jet trail along its
path, the Rocket Sled soon brought Mr. Coyote abreast of his prey. At that moment, the
animal he was pursuing veered sharply to the right. Mr. Coyote vigorously attempted to
follow this maneuver but was unable to, due to poor design and engineering on the
Rocket Sled and a faulty or nonexistent steering system. Shortly thereafter, the unchecked
progress of the Rocket Sled led it and Mr. Coyote into collision with the side of a mesa.
Paragraph One of the Report of Attending Physician (Exhibit B), prepared by Dr. Ernst
Grosscup, M.D., D.O., details the multiple fractures, contusions, and tissue damage
suffered by Mr. Coyote as a result of this collision. Repair of the injuries required a full
bandage around the head (excluding the ears), a neck brace, and full or partial casts on all
four legs. Hampered by these injuries, Mr. Coyote was nevertheless obliged to support
himself. With this in mind, he purchased of Defendant as an aid to mobility one pair of
Acme Rocket Skates. When he attempted to use this product, however, he became
involved in an accident remarkably similar to that which occurred with the Rocket Sled.
Again, Defendant sold over the counter, without caveat, a product which attached
powerful jet engines (in this case, two) to inadequate vehicles, with little or no provision
for passenger safety.
Encumbered by his heavy casts, Mr. Coyote lost control of the Rocket Skates soon after
strapping them on, and collided with a roadside billboard so violently as to leave a hole in
the shape of his full silhouette.
Mr. Coyote states that on occasions too numerous to list in this document he has suffered
mishaps with explosives purchased of Defendant: the Acme "Little Giant" Firecracker,
the Acme Self-Guided Aerial Bomb, etc. (For a full listing, see the Acme Mail Order
Explosives Catalog and attached deposition, entered in evidence as Exhibit C.) Indeed, it
is safe to say that not once has an explosive purchased of Defendant by Mr. Coyote
performed in an expected manner. To cite just one example: At the expense of much time
and personal effort, Mr. Coyote constructed around the outer rim of a butte a wooden
trough beginning at the top of the butte and spiralling downward around it to some few
feet above a black X painted on the desert floor. The trough was designed in such a way
that a spherical explosive of the type sold by Defendant would roll easily and swiftly
down to the point of detonation indicated by the X. Mr. Coyote placed a generous pile of
birdseed directly on the X, and then, carrying the spherical Acme Bomb (Catalog #78)
climbed to the top of the butte. Mr. Coyote's prey, seeing the birdseed, approached, and
Mr. Coyote proceeded to light the fuse. In an instant, the fuse burned down to the stem,
causing the bomb to detonate.
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In addition to reducing all Mr. Coyote's careful preparations to naught, the premature
detonation of Defendant's product resulted in the following disfigurements to Mr.
Coyote:
Severe singeing of the hair on the head, neck, and muzzle.
Sooty discoloration.
Fracture of the left ear at the stem, causing the ear to dangle in the aftershock with a
creaking noise.
Full or partial combustion of whiskers, producing kinking, frazzling, and ashy
disintegration.
Radical widening of the eyes, due to brow and lid charring.
We come now to the Acme Spring-Powered Shoes. The remains of a pair of these
purchased by Mr. Coyote on June 23rd are Plaintiff's Exhibit D. Selected fragments have
been shipped to the metallurgical laboratories of the University of California at Santa
Barbara for analysis, but to date, no explanation has been found for this product's sudden
and extreme malfunction.
As advertised by Defendant, this product is simplicity itself: two wood-and- metal
sandals, each attached to milled-steel springs of high tensile strength and compressed in a
tightly coiled position by a cocking device with a lanyard release. Mr. Coyote believed
that this product would enable him to pounce upon his prey in the initial moments of the
chase, when swift reflexes are at a premium.
To increase the shoes' thrusting power still further, Mr. Coyote affixed them by their
bottoms to the side of a large boulder. Adjacent to the boulder was a path which Mr.
Coyote's prey was known to frequent. Mr. Coyote put his hind feet in the wood-andmetal sandals and crouched in readiness, his right forepaw holding firmly to the lanyard
release. Within a short time, Mr. Coyote's prey did indeed appear on the path coming
toward him. Unsuspecting, the prey stopped near Mr. Coyote, well within range of the
springs at full extension. Mr. Coyote gauged the distance with care and proceeded to pull
the lanyard release. At this point, Defendant's product should have thrust Mr. Coyote
forward and away from the boulder. Instead, for reasons yet unknown, the Acme SpringPowered Shoes thrust the boulder away from Mr. Coyote. As the intended prey looked on
unharmed, Mr. Coyote hung suspended in the air. Then the twin springs recoiled,
bringing Mr. Coyote to a violent feet-first collision with the boulder, the full weight of
his head and forequarters falling upon his lower extremities.
The force of this impact then caused the springs to rebound, whereupon Mr. Coyote was
thrust skyward. A second recoil and collision followed. The boulder, meanwhile, which
was roughly ovoid in shape, had begun to bounce down a hillside, the coiling and
recoiling of the springs adding to its velocity. At each bounce, Mr. Coyote came into
contact with the boulder, or the boulder came into contact with Mr. Coyote, or both came
into contact with the ground. As the grade was a long one, this process continued for
some time. The sequence of collisions resulted in systemic physical damage to Mr.
Coyote, viz, flattening of the cranium, sideways displacement of the tongue, reduction of
length of legs and upper body, and compression of vertebrae from base of tail to head.
Repetition of blows along a vertical axis produced a series of regular horizontal folds in
Mr. Coyote's body tissues, a rare and painful condition which caused Mr. Coyote to
expand upward and contract downward alternately as he walked, and to emit an offkey,
accordion-like wheezing with every step. The distracting and embarrassing nature of this
symptom has been a major impediment to Mr. Coyote's pursuit of a normal social life.
As the court is no doubt aware, Defendant has a virtual monopoly of manufacture and
sale of goods required by Mr. Coyote's work. It is our contention that Defendant has used
its market advantage to the detriment of the consumer of such specialized products as
7

itching powder, giant kites, Burmese tiger traps, anvils, and two-hundred-foot-long
rubber bands. Much as he has come to mistrust Defendant's products, Mr. Coyote has no
other domestic source of supply to which to turn. One can only wonder what our trading
partners in Western Europe and Japan would make of such a situation, where a giant
company is allowed to victimize the consumer in the most reckless and wrongful manner
over and over again.
Mr. Coyote respectfully requests that the Court regard these larger economic implications
and assess punitive damages in the amount of seventeen million dollars. In addition, Mr.
Coyote seeks actual damages (missed meals, medical expenses, days lost from
professional occupation) of one million dollars; general damages (mental suffering,
injury to reputation) of twenty million dollars; and attorney's fees of seven hundred and
fifty thousand dollars. By awarding Mr. Coyote the full amount, this Court will censure
Defendant, its directors, officers, shareholders, successors, and assigns, in the only
language they understand, and reaffirm the right of the individual predator to equal
protection under the law.
Lawyers are the only profession where the more there are, the more are needed! - Robert
Lucky, IEEE Spectrum
Lawyers in Japan
Copied from the Sunday Daily Breeze Take heart, America. Three monkey wrenches have been thrown into Japan's well-oiled
economic machine. It's only a mater of time before that powerful engine of productivity
begins to sputter and fail.
What could cause such a sharp turnaround? High interest rates? Increased
unemployment? Lower productivity? No, it's something much more economically
debilitating - and permanent.
Three American lawyers have become the first foreign attorneys permitted to practice law
in Japan. What's more, two of them are from New York!
The decline has begun.
Japan has one attorney for every 10,000 residents, compared to the U.S. ratio of one
attorney for every 390 residents. For every 100 attorneys trained in Japan, there are 1,000
engineers. In the United States, that ratio is reversed.
But a law that became effective on April 1 permits foreigners to practice in Japan for the
first time since 1955. Already, an additional 20 American and six British lawyers have
applied for permission to open practices in Japan.
If anything can slow the Japanese economy, it's the presence of American attorneys.
What better way to even our balance of trade than to send Japan our costliest surplus
commodity?
For three years, the young attorney had been taking his brief vacations at this country inn.
The last time he'd finally managed an affair with the innkeeper's daughter. Looking
forward to an exciting few days, he dragged his suitcase up the stairs of the inn, then
stopped short. There sat his lover with an infant on her lap!
"Helen, why didn't you write when you learned you were pregnant?" he cried. "I would
have rushed up here, we could have gotten married, and the baby would have my name!"
"Well," she said, "when my folks found out about my condition, we sat up all night talkin'
and talkin' and decided it would be better to have a bastard in the family than a lawyer."
God decided to take the devil to court and settle their differences once and for all. When
Satan heard this, he laughed and said, "And where do you think you're going to find a
lawyer?"
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A lawyer named Strange was shopping for a tombstone. After he had made his selection,
the stonecutter asked him what inscription he would like on it.
"Here lies an honest man and a lawyer," responded the lawyer.
"Sorry, but I can't do that," replied the stonecutter. "In this state, it's against the law to
bury two people in the same grave. However, I could put "here lies an honest lawyer."
"But that won't let people know who it is" protested the lawyer.
"Certainly will," retorted the stonecutter. "People will read it and exclaim, "That's
strange!"
It has been discovered that lawyers are the larval stage of politicians.
There is no better way to exercise the imagination than the study of the law.
No artist ever interpreted nature as freely as a lawyer interprets the truth. - Jean Giradoux
A small town that cannot support one lawyer can always support two.
There are two kinds of lawyers, those who know the law and those who know the judge.
I'll never discuss my lawyer's character in his absence, so let's discuss his absence of
character! - Michael Lara
There is no doubt that my lawyer is honest. For example, when he filed his income tax
return last year, he declared half of his salary as 'unearned income.' - Michael Lara
Between grand theft and a legal fee, there only stands a law degree.
At a convention of biological scientists, one researcher remarks to another, "Did you
know that in our lab we have switched from mice to lawyers for our experiments?"
"Really?" the other replied, "Why did you switch?"
"Well, for five reasons. First, we found that lawyers are far more plentiful. Second, the
lab assistants don't get so attached to them. Third, lawyers multiply faster in numbers,
Fourth, animal rights groups will not object to their torture. And fifth, there are some
things even a rat won't do. There is a drawback however; sometimes it's very hard to
extrapolate the test results to human beings"
Why do behavioral scientists prefer lawyers to rats for their experiments? There are more
of the lawyers to work with, lab assistants are less likely to feel sympathy for them, they
multiply faster, animal rights groups will not object to their torture, and there are some
things even a rat won't do.
A certain lawyer was quite wealthy and had a summer house in the country, to which he
retreated for several weeks of the year. Each summer, the lawyer would invite a different
friend of his to spend a week or two up at this place, which happened to be in a
backwoods section of Maine. On one particular occasion, he invited a Czechoslovakian
friend to stay with him. The friend, eager to get a freebee off a lawyer, agreed.
Well, they had a splendid time in the country, rising early and living in the great
outdoors. Early one morning, the lawyer and his Czechoslovakian companion went out to
pick berries for their morning breakfast. As they went around the berry patch, gathering
blueberries and raspberries in tremendous quantities, along came two huge bears, a male
9

and a female. The lawyer, seeing the two bears, immediately dashed for cover. His friend,
though, wasn't so lucky, and the male bear reached him and swallowed him whole. The
lawyer ran back to his Mercedes, tore into town as fast has he could, and got the local
backwoods sheriff. The sheriff grabbed his shotgun and dashed back to the berry patch
with the lawyer.
Sure enough, the two bears were still there. "He's in *that* one!" cried the lawyer,
pointing to the male, while visions of lawsuits from his friend's family danced in his
head. He just had to save his friend. The sheriff looked at the bears, and without batting
an eye, leveled his gun, took careful aim, and shot the female.
"Whatdya do that for!" exclaimed the lawyer, "I said he was in the other!"
"Exactly," replied the sheriff, "and would _you_ believe a lawyer who told you that the
Czech was in the male?"
A Russian, a Cuban, an American and a Lawyer are in a train. The Russian takes a bottle
of the Best Vodka out of his pack; pours some into a glass, drinks it, and says: "In USSR,
we have the best vodka of the world, nowhere in the world you can find vodka as good as
the one we produce in Ukrainia. And we have so much of it, that we can just throw it
away..." Saying that, he open the window and throw the rest of the bottle through it. All
the others are quite impressed.
The Cuban takes a pack of Havanas, takes one of them, lights it and begins to smoke it
saying: "In Cuba, we have the best cigars of the world: Havanas, nowhere in the world
there is so many and so good cigar and we have so much of them, that we can just throw
them away...". Saying that, he throws the pack of havanas through the window. One more
time, everybody is quite impressed.
At this time, the American just stands up, opens the window, and throws the Lawyer
through it...
A lawyer's dog, running about unleashed, beelines for a butcher shop and steals a roast.
Butcher goes to lawyer's office and asks, "If a dog running unleashed steals a piece of
meat from my store, do I have a right to demand payment for the meat from the dog's
owner?"
The lawyer answers, "Absolutely."
"Then you owe me $8.50. Your dog was loose and stole a roast from me today."
The lawyer, without a word, writes the butcher a check for $8.50 (attorneys don't carry
cash; it's too plebeian).
Several days later, the butcher opens the mail and finds an envelope from the lawyer: $20
due for a consultation.
A Rabbi, a Hindu and a lawyer were driving late at night in the country when their car
expired. They set out to find help, and came to a farmhouse. When they knocked at the
door, the farmer explained that he had only two beds, and one of the three had to sleep in
the barn with the animals. The three quickly agreed.
The Rabbi said he would sleep in the barn and let the other two have the beds. Ten
minutes after the Rabbi left, there was a knock on the bedroom door. The Rabbi entered
exclaiming, "I can't sleep in the barn; there is a pig in there. It's against my religion to
sleep in the same room with a pig!"
The Hindu said he would sleep in the barn, as he had no religious problem with pigs.
However, about five minutes later, the Hindu burst through the bedroom door saying,
"There's a cow in the barn! I can't sleep in the same room as a cow! It's against my
religion!"
10

The lawyer, anxious to get to sleep, said he'd go to the barn, as he had no problem
sleeping with animals.
Two minutes later, the bedroom door burst open and the pig and the cow entered...
The Lawyer's Motto:
"Insofar as manifestations of functional deficiencies are agreed by any and all concerned
parties to be imperceivable, and are so stipulated, it is incumbent upon said heretofore
mentioned parties to exercise the deferment of otherwise pertinent maintenance
procedures."
In Other Words: "If it ain't broke, don't fix it."
A doctor, an engineer, and a lawyer go out hunting in the woods one day. Each of them
brings along his hunting dog, and they spend most of the morning arguing about which of
the dogs is the smartest. Early in the afternoon, they discover a clearing in the forest. In
the middle of the clearing is a large pile of animal bones.
Seeing the bones, the doctor turns to the others and says, "I'm going to prove to you two
that my dog is the smartest. Watch this!" He then calls his dog over and says, "Bones!
See the bones? Go get 'em!" The dog rushes over to the pile, rummages around for a bit,
and then proceeds to build a replica of the human skeleton, perfect down to the last detail.
The doctor grins smugly; after all, his dog has just build a *human* skeleton from
*animal* bones.
The engineer, however, is totally unimpressed. "That's nothing," he says. "Watch this."
He calls his dog over, and points out the pile. "Bones! Get the bones!" The dog rushes
over, tears down the skeleton, and in its place builds a perfect replica of the Eiffel Tower.
It even has a little French flag waving at the top. The doctor is forced to agree that the
engineer's dog is, in fact, smarter than his own.
The lawyer, however, is still not impressed. "My dog is smarter," he says. "Watch." He
then calls his dog over, points to the pile, and says simply "Bones." The dog rushes over
to the pile, tears down the tower, eats half the bones, buries the other half, and takes the
rest of the afternoon off.
Two lawyers made a date to have lunch together. The first person showed up on time, but
the second person didn't show until 1-1/2 hours after they were supposed to meet...
1st lawyer: "How come you're so late?"
2nd lawyer: "Oh, I ran over a milk bottle and got a flat tire.."
1st lawyer: "A milk bottle? Didn't you see it in the road?"
2nd lawyer: "No - the kid had it under his coat..."
Washington State Attorney Season And Bag Limits
1300.01 General
Any person with a valid Washington State hunting license may harvest attorneys.
Taking of attorneys with traps or deadfalls is permitted. The use of currency as bait is
prohibited.
Killing of attorneys with a vehicle is prohibited. If accidentally struck, remove dead
attorney to roadside and proceed to nearest car wash.
It is unlawful to chase, herd, or harvest attorneys from a snow machine, helicopter, or
aircraft.
It shall be unlawful to shout "whiplash", "ambulance", or "free Perrier" for the purpose of
trapping attorneys.
It shall be unlawful to hunt attorneys within 100 yards of BMW dealerships.
11

It shall be unlawful to use cocaine, young boys, $100 bills, prostitutes, or vehicle
accidents to attract attorneys.
It shall be unlawful to hunt attorneys within 200 yards of courtrooms, law libraries,
whorehouses, health spas, gay bars, ambulances, or hospitals.
If an attorney is elected to government office, it shall be a felony to hunt, trap, or possess
it.
Stuffed or mounted attorneys must have a state health department inspection for AIDS,
rabies, and vermin.
It shall be illegal for a hunter to disguise himself as a reporter, drug dealer, pimp, female
legal clerk, sheep, accident victim, bookie, or tax accountant for the purpose of hunting
attorneys.
Bag Limits
1. Yellow Bellied Sidewinder
2
2. Two-faced Tort Feasor
1
3. Back-stabbing Divorce Litigator
4
4. Big-mouthed Pub Gut
2
5. Honest Attorney
EXTINCT
6. Cut-throat
2
7. Back-stabbing Whiner
2
8. Brown-nosed Judge Kisser
2
9. Silver-tongued Drug Defender
$100 BOUNTY
10. Hairy Civil Libertarian
7
Legal business card: Dewey, Cheatham, & Howe - Attorneys at Law
When a lawyer tells his clients he has a sliding fee schedule what he means is that after
he bills you it's financially hard to get back on your feet.
It was so cold last winter that I saw a lawyer with his hands in his own pockets.
A man walked into a bar with his alligator and asked the bartender, "Do you serve
lawyers here?". "Sure do," replied the bartender. "Good," said the man. "Give me a beer,
and I'll have a lawyer for my 'gator."
There was the cartoon showing two people fighting over a cow. One was pulling the cow
by the tail; the other was pulling on the horns. Underneath was a lawyer milking the cow.
If you laid all of the lawyers in the world, end to end, on the equator, it would be a good
idea to just leave them there.
There was a young man shipwrecked on an island. He found a magic lamp on the shore
one day, picked it up and rubbed it. A Genie appeared. However, he was not a typical
Genie, he was an attorney Genie. When the Genie told the man he was also an attorney,
the man laughed and said, "Oh come on, Genies can't be attorneys too!"
The Genie said he would prove it. He told the man to make his three wishes, but on one
condition, for every wish he made, all attorneys were granted double of what the man
wished for. The man pondered the offer and decided that something was better than
nothing and decided his three wishes.
"My first wish is for 1 million dollars."
12

The Genie reminded the man that he would grant the wish, but all attorneys would get
double that amount. The man agreed and then made his second wish. "My second wish is
for a beautiful blonde with blue eyes."
Once again, the Genie granted the wish and also granted all attorneys with two of the
blonde eyed babes.
The Genie announced that the man had one more wish and to consider his choice
carefully. The man thought for a moment. Suddenly, he drew the Genie's attention to a
piece of driftwood lying on the beach. He told the Genie: "For my next wish, please pick
up that piece of driftwood and beat me _half_ to death!!!"
Two lawyers are in a bank, when, suddenly, armed robbers burst in. While several of the
robbers take the money from the tellers, others line the customers, including the lawyers,
up against a wall, and proceed to take their wallets, watches, etc. While this is going on
lawyer number one jams something in lawyer number two's hand. Without looking down,
lawyer number two whispers, "What is this?", to which lawyer number one replies, "it's
that $50 I owe you."
A lawyer was trying to console a weeping widow. Her husband had passed away without
a will. "Did the deceased have any last words?" asked the lawyer. "You mean *right*
before he died?" sobbed the widow. "Yes," replied the lawyer. "They might be helpful if
it's not too painful for you to recall." "Well," she began, "he said "Don't try to scare me!
You couldn't hit the broad side of a barn with that gun."
A blind rabbit and a blind snake meet each other. Neither one remembers what kind of
animal they are, so they decide to feel each other. The rabbit says, "You feel me first."
The snake says okay, and he starts feeling the rabbit. He says, "Well, you have fur all
over, and a little cotton tail, and two long ears, and big back feet..."
The rabbit says, "I know! I'm a rabbit! Yippee!"
Then the rabbit feels the snake. He says, "Okay, you're long and thin, and slimy all over,
and there's a little forked tongue..."
The snake says, "Oh no, I'm a lawyer."
Man goes goes to lawyer for help.
Man: What is your least expensive fee?
Lawyer: $50 for three questions.
Man: That's pretty expensive isn't it?
Lawyer: Yes. So what's your third question?
Four surgeons were taking a coffee break and were discussing their work.
The first one said, "I think accountants are the easiest to operate on. You open them up
and everything inside is numbered."
The second one said, "I think librarians are easiest to operate on. You open them up and
everything inside is in alphabetical order."
The third one said, "I like to operate on electricians. You open them up and everything
inside is color-coded."
The fourth one said, "I like to operate on lawyers. They are heartless, spineless, gutless,
and their head and their tail are interchangeable."
The scene is heaven, with three men standing at the Pearly Gates. Saint Peter says to the
first man, "Let's see, you're Mr. Jones, the engineer. We've been expecting you. Please
follow me." Saint Peter leads him down a hall to a door marked #101.
13

"This is where you'll be staying Mr. Jones," says Saint Peter as he opens the door. Inside
is a dark, dank, cold, musty room. Water is dripping from the rocklike walls where
torture equipment is hanging. Chained to the center of the floor is a growling, fiercelooking dog.
Mr. Jones steps in and a loud voice cries out from above, "Mr.Jones! You have sinned!"
Saint Peter closes the door and returns to the remaining two men waiting at the entrance
gate.
"And you are Mr. Smith, the doctor", Saint Peters addresses the second man. "You are in
room 102. Please follow me." Once again when the door is opened this room is dark and
dank, water dripping down the walls with horrible torture equipment hanging
everywhere, and a growling, snarling dog chained to the center of the floor.
As Mr. Smith steps in, a voice from above cries, "Mr. Smith! You have sinned!"
Saint Peter closes the door and returns to the last man waiting at the entrance gate.
"And you must be Mr. Brown, the lawyer. We have been waiting for you. You are in
room number 103. Please follow me." When they get to room #103, Saint Peter opens the
door to reveal another dark, musty, gloomy room with torture equipment hanging from
the water dripping walls.
But in the center of the room stands Bo Derek. As the lawyer steps in the room the voice
cries out, "Bo Derek! You have sinned!"
Malborn sat in his attorney's office.
"Do you want the bad news first or the terrible news?" the lawyer said.
"Give me the bad news first."
"Your wife found a picture worth a half-million dollars."
"That's the bad news?" aslked Malborn incredulously. "I can't wait to hear the terrible
news."
"The terrible news is that it's of you and your secretary."
A dying man gathered his Lawyer, Doctor and Clergyman at his bed side and handed
each of them an envelop containing $25,000 in cash. He made them each promise that
after his death and during his repose, they would place the three envelops in his coffin.
He told them that he wanted to have enough money to enjoy the next life. A week later
the man died. At the Wake, the Lawyer and Doctor and Clergyman, each concealed an
envelop in the coffin and bid their old client and friend farewell. By chance, these three
met several months later. Soon the Clergyman, feeling guilty, blurted out a confession
saying that there was only $10,000 in the envelop he placed in the coffin. He felt, rather
than waste all the money, he would send it to a Mission in South America. He asked for
their forgiveness. The Doctor, moved by the gentle Clergymans sincerity, confessed that
he too had kept some of the money for a worthy medical charity. The envelop, he
admitted, had only $8000 in it. He said, he too could not bring himself to waste the
money so frivolously when it could be used to benefit others. By this time the Lawyer
was seething with self-righteous outrage. He expressed his deep disappointment in the
felonious behavior of two of his oldest and most trusted friends. I am the only one who
kept his promise to our dying friend. I want you both to know that the envelop I placed in
the coffin contained the full amount. Indeed, my envelop contained my personal check
for the entire $25,000.
A great line by Danny de Vito in Other People's Money:
Of course I've got lawyers. They are like nuclear weapons: I've got em coz everyone else
has. But as soon as you use them they mess everything up.
14

"You are a cheat!" shouted the attorney to his opponent.

"And you're a liar!" bellowed the opposition.
Banging his gavel sharply, His Honor interrupted: "All right, now that both attorneys
have been identified, let's get on with this case."
A lawyer is driving his new, red, convertible BMW when he runs a red light and is broadsided by a Ford. He stumbles out in shock, all the while whining "My Beamer. My poor
Beamer". A cop arrives on the scene and points out "Sir, your arm has been torn off". The
lawyer looks at where his left arm used to be and screams "My Rolex!!!"
Harry Bender: Imagine the appeals, dissents and remandments, if lawyers had written
'The Ten Commandments'
Lawyer: Did you say the plaintiff was shot in the woods?
Doctor: No, I said he was shot in the lumbar region.
In the middle of the night, in the middle of nowhere, two cars both slightly cross over the
white line in the center of the road. They collide and a fair amount of damage is done,
although neither is hurt. It is impossible to assess blame for the accident on either
however.
They both get out. One is a doctor and the other is a lawyer. The lawyer calls the police
on his car phone; they'll be there in 20 minutes.
It's cold and damp, and both men are shaken up. The laywer offers the doctor a drink of
brandy from his hip flask, the doctor accepts, drinks and hands it back to the lawyer, who
puts it away.
"Aren't you also going to have a drink?" the doctor says.
"After the police get here." replies the lawyer.
The October 8, 1990 issue of Fortune has picked up on a small story which appeared in
the Los Angeles Times.
As best as I remember, there was a lawyer who got caught three times in an alleged speed
trap. He sued the city under RICO (Racketeering Influence and Corruption) statutes. Part
of the allegation is that the city set the speed limit without reviewing the traffic patterns
every 5 years.
A judge ruled that the city could be sued under RICO.
I doubt that this is what they had in mind when Congress passed the RICO statutes.
From the "Around New York" column of the New York Times, April 3, 1991:
Court Says Legal Aid Lawyers Had Right To Wear Buttons
A state appeals court ruled yesterday that Legal Aid Society lawyers had a constitutional
right to wear "Ready to Strike" buttons in October, when they argued their cases in court.
The lawyers were wearing the buttons to signify their support of a threatened strike. But
Justice George Roberts of State Supreme Court ordered them to remove their buttons in
his Manhattan courtroom on the ground they could prejudice the court and upset their
clients.
The Apellate division of the State Supreme Court said "the mere act of wearing a button"
was protected by the Constitution's guarantee of free speech.
Justice Richard W. Wallach pointed out in a concurring opinion that Justice Roberts had
said he would have allowed non-political buttons such as those that said "Save the
Whales". But Justice Wallach issued a caution to all lawyers:
15

"If the choice had to be made between saving the lives of lawyers or saving whales, there
is little doubt that the overwhelming majority of Americans would come down on the
side of the whales"
A truck driver used to amuse himself by running over lawyers he would see walking
down the side of the road. Every time he would see a lawyer walking along the road, he
would swerve to hit him, and there would be a loud "THUMP" and then he would swerve
back on the road. This pasttime was immensely enjoyable to the truck driver.
One day, as the truck driver was driving along, he saw a priest hitchhiking, so he thought
he would do a good turn by offering the priest a lift. He pulled the truck over and asked
the priest, "Where are you going, Father?"
"I'm going to the church 5 miles down the road!" replied the priest.
"No problem, Father! I'll give you a lift. Climb in the truck."
With that, the happy priest climbed into the passenger seat, and the truck driver continued
down the road.
Suddenly, the truck driver saw a lawyer walking down the road, and instinctively he
swerved to hit him. But then he remembered there was a priest in the truck with him, so
at the last minute he swerved back to the road, narrowly missing the lawyer. However,
even though he was certain he missed the lawyer, he still heard a loud "THUD".
Not understanding where the noise came from he glanced in his mirrors, and when he
didn't see anything, he turned to the priest and said, "I'm sorry, Father. I almost hit that
lawyer."
"That's okay," replied the priest. "I got him with the door!"
Upon seeing an elderly lady for the drafting of her will, the attorney charged her $100.
She gave him a $100 bill, not noticing that it was stuck to another $100 bill. On seeing
the two bills stuck together, the ethical question came to the attorney's mind, "Do I tell
my partner?"
About 1900, a very respectable Western lawyer was filing some insurance papers when
he came to the question: "If your father is dead, state the cause." Unwilling to reveal that
his father had been hanged for cattle rustling, the lawyer evaded the problem by
answering this way: "He died while taking part in a public ceremony when the platform
gave way."
After successfully passing the bar exam, a man opened his own law office. He was sitting
idle at his desk when his secretary announced that a Mr. Jones had arrived to see him.
"Show him right in!" our lawyer replied.
As Mr. Jones was being ushered in, our lawyer had an idea. He quickly picks up the
phone and shouts into it "And you tell them that we won't accept less then fifty thousand
dollars, and don't even call me until you agree to that amount!"
Slamming the phone down he stood up and greeted Mr. Jones; "Good Morning, Mr.
Jones, what can I do for you?"
"I'm from the phone company" Mr. Jones replied, "I'm here to connect your phone."
Experts are people who know a great deal about very little and who go along learning
more and more about less and less until they know practically everything about nothing.
Lawyers, on the other hand, are people who know very little about many things and keep
learning less and less about more and more until they know practically nothing about
everything.

16

Judges are people who start out knowing everything about everything but end up
knowing nothing about anything because of their constant association with experts and
lawyers.
A very good man dies, and as a reward for a life well-spent, goes to heaven. When he
arrives, St. Peter meets him at the gate.
"Welcome," says St. Peter, "since you were such a good person in life, you may enter
heaven."
"Thank you," said the man. "But before I come in, could you tell me what kind of other
people are here?"
"Well, all kinds," replied St. Peter.
"Are there any convicted criminals in heaven?" asked the man.
"Yes, some," said St. Peter.
"Are there any communists in heaven?" asked the man.
"Yes, there are," replied St. Peter.
"Are there any Nazis in heaven? Asked the man.
"Just a few," said St. Peter.
"Well, are there any lawyers in heaven?" asked the man.
St. Peter replied "What, and ruin it for everyone else?"
A mobster was on trial, facing a possible life sentence, but his lawyer bribed a juror to
hold out for a lesser charge. After hours of deliberation, the jury returned a verdict
carrying a maximum of ten years in prison.
Afterward, the lawyer approached the juror. "You had me so worried! When the jury was
out so long, I was afraid you couldn't pull it off."
"I was worried too!" answered the juror. "The others all wanted to acquit him!"
Two prisoners are talking about their crimes:
George: "I robbed a bank, and they gave me 20 years."
Herman: "Hmm. I killed a man, and I'm here for 3 days."
George: "*WHAT*??? I rob a bank and get 20 years; you kill a man and get 3 days???"
Herman: "Yeah, it was a lawyer."
A redundancy in wording: Criminal Lawyers
The temperature control in Hell went haywire and the heat started to make even the
condition in Heaven uncomfortable. St. Peter got Satan on the horn and yelled, "You'd
better fix that immediately or I'll sue."
On hearing that, Satan chuckled, "Oh yeah, how? I have all the lawyers down here. And
besides, how can I fix it when you have all the good engineers?"
Dr. McCoy was involved in a shuttle craft accident and he was left trapped inside the
damaged ship. While Captain Kirk was waiting for the emergency crews to free his
comrade he pounded on the ship and shouted, "Bones, Bones! Do you think you're
alright? Are you badly hurt?" To which Dr. McCoy replied, "Damn it, Jim! How should I
know? I'm a doctor, I'm not a lawyer!"
A Farmer walked into an attorney's office wanting to file for a divorce.
The Attorney asked "May I help you?".
The Farmer said "Yea, I want to get one of those dayvorce's."
The Attorney said "Do you have any grounds?"
17

The Farmer said "Yea, I got about 140 acres."

The Attorney said "No, you don't understand, do you have a case?"
The Farmer said "No, I got a John Deere."
The Attorney said, "No, you don't understand, I mean do you have a grudge?"
The Farmer said, "Yeh, I got a grudge, that's where I park my John Deere."
The Attorney said "No Sir, I mean do you have a suit?"
The Farmer said, "Yes Sir, I got a suit, I wear it to Church ever' Sunday."
The Attorney said, "Well Sir, does your wife beat you up or anything?"
The Farmer said, "No Sir, we both get up at 4:30 A.M. together."
The Attorney then said, "Well is she a nagger or anything?"
The Farmer said, "No, she's a little white gal, but our last kid was a nagger and that's why
I want this Dayvorce!"
Old lawyers never die, they just lose their appeal.
Augustine's Laws
Bulls do not win bull fights; people do.
People do not win people fights; lawyers do.
The exact date that professional attorneys came into existence is unknown, although the
first complaints about them were recorded in the twelfth century.
Two thirds of the world's lawyers are located right here in the United States. This has led,
in some quarters, to occasional suggestions for a new export product.
Why are there more flies in Cairo than lawyers in Washington?
Answer: Cairo got first choice.
Almost 37 percent of the U. S. House of Representatives and 53 percent of the U. S.
Senate are comprised of lawyers. It's like buying chicken wire from the fox - a Full
Employment Act for lawyers.
Forbes magazine recently reported an incident whereby a man attempted to kill himself
by jumping in front of a subway car in New York; however, having failed, he won a
$650,000 judgement from New York City because the train hit him.
The Denver Post may have been on to more than it realized when it reported, "... the
former Deputy Attorney General said the bar has never been so successful in serving the
poor.
Marlene T. Sipes, a Columbia S.C. lawyer, was suspended for a year in March by the
state supreme court on charges that she pocketed $1,819 in 1986 from her daughter's Girl
Scout troop cookie fund.
Talk is cheap...until lawyers get involved.
I broke a mirror in my house. I'm supposed to get seven years of bad luck, but my lawyer
thinks he can get me five.
If law school is so hard to get through, how come there are so many lawyers? - Calvin
Trillin
18

4 out of 5 doctors say that if they were stranded on a deserted island with no lawyers,
they wouldn't need ANY aspirin.
It seems that a devout, good couple was about to get married, but a tragic car accident
ended their lives.
When they got to heaven, they asked St. Peter if he could arrange for them to be married,
saying that it was what they had hoped for in life, and they still desired wedded union. He
thought about it and agreed, but said they would have to wait.
It was almost one hundred years later when St. Peter sent for them. They were married in
a simple ceremony.
So things went on, for thirty years or so, but they determined, in this time, that eternity
was best not spent together.
They went back to St. Peter, and said, "We thought we would be happy forever, but now
we believe that we have irreconcilable differences. Is there any way we can get
divorced?"
"Are you kidding?" said St. Peter. "It took me a hundred years to get a priest up here to
marry you. I'll never get a lawyer!"
On CNN: The outlook for the economy is so bad that the mob in New Jersey just laid off
3 judges.
A doctor, a lawyer and a mathematician were discussing the relative merits of having a
wife or a mistress.
The lawyer says: "For sure a mistress is better. If you have a wife and want a divorce, it
causes all sorts of legal problems.
The doctor says: "It's better to have a wife because the sense of security lowers your
stress and is good for your health.
The mathematician says: "You're both wrong. It's best to have both so that when the wife
thinks you're with the mistress and the mistress thinks you're with your wife, you can do
some mathematics.
"My daddy is a movie actor, and sometimes he plays the good guy, and sometimes he
plays the lawyer." - Malcolm Ford, to his preschool classmates on what his father, actor
Harrison Ford, does for a living.
Tax Laws Caught In A Time Warp
"The provisions of the preceding sentence shall not be applicable with respect to the
taxable year beginning January 1, 1975, or any succeeding taxable year which begins
before January 1, 1980; and, for purposes of such sentence, January 1, 1980, shall be
deemed to be the first January 1 occurring after January 1, 1974, and consecutive taxable
years in the period commencing January 1, 1980, shall be determined as if the taxable
year which begins on January 1, 1980, were the taxable year immediately succeeding the
taxable year which began on January 1, 1974." - Internal Revenue Code 3302(c)(2)(C)
Sesquipedality Award For Most Splendiferous Display Of Highfalutin' Vocabulary
"The evidentiary record consisting of a four (4) day trial is gargantuan, elephantine, and
Brobdingnagian... It would be hebetudinous and obtuse to fail to be cognizant of the
adverse consequences of a ruling in this case. However, a decision by the court should
not be infected with pusillanimity and timidity. The karma of this case must not be
aleatory or adventitious, but a pellucid and transpicuous analysis of the law and facts...
19

With certitude and intrepidity and hopefully, with some degree of sagacity, sapience, and
perspicaciousness, this court disposes of the relevant and germane issues.
Autochthonously, this court bifurcates the issues for decisional purposes. The primigenial
issue is whether a new trial should be granted. The court comes to this infrangible,
ineluctable, and adamantine conclusion that defendant's motion for a new trial absolutely
must be denied. The French phrase 'pas du tout' is applied in rejecting the defendant's
argument... I find defendant's degree of culpability to be magnitudinous and
megatherine." - Circuit Judge Ralph Anderson, of South Carolina.
From "The Exploits of the Incomparable Mullah Nasrudin" by Indries Shah, The Octagon
Press Ltd., London, 1983 as quoted in "Qualitative Evaluation and Research Methods" by
Michael Quinn Patton, Sage Publications, 1990. Reprinted without permission.
A man had fallen between the rails in a subway station. People were all crowding around
trying to get him out before the train ran him over. They were all shouting. "Give me
your hand!" but the man would not reach up. Mulla Nasrudin elbowed his way through
the crowd and leaned over the man. "Friend," he asked, "what is your profession?"
"I am an income tax inspector," gasped the man.
"In that case," said Nasrudin, "take my hand!"
The man immediately grasped the Mulla's hand and was hauled to safety. Nasrudin
turned to the amazed bystanders. "Never ask a tax man to give you anything, you fools."
When I worked for the Infernal Revenue (Dis)Service (about 15 years ago), a bunch of us
pooled our paychecks (after withholding) and bought a money order for $1.49. Then we
wrote up an *obviously* phony AMENDED return in the name of "Hu Flung Dung, #2
Cresent Moon Drive, Pottyville, NY" and submitted it with a letter saying that the
"taxpayer" had found an error in his calculations and was making amends. As if that
weren't funny enough, when the IRS receives an amended return *with money*, they are
required, by their own rules, to continue searching *until they find the original*. Forever.
Across the entire country. (They're probably still looking.)
This was printed in the San Francisco Examiner, April 16, 1989. The poet is anonymous
because, to quote the IRS spokesman, "anything that's sent to the IRS is classified as
confidential".
I think that I shall never see
a tax form plain e-nough for me.
A form that I can understand
without a lawyer near at hand
to guide this poor benighted me
so I won't owe a pen-al-ty.
A form that I will not detest
or take as more than awful jest.
A form with pages I can read
and fill out ea-si-ly with speed.
Such forms weren't made for fools like me
Nor even God, who made a tree.

An in-house IRS study revealed in February that the agency loses two million tax returns
and related documents annually. One employee said that when preparing for audits, he
20

routinely requests taxpayers' files from the state agencies because they are more likely to
have the documents.
A recent addition to the IRS employee manual makes clear that the agency would
continue to operate and to collect taxes immediately after any national emergency "especially resulting from nuclear attack."
From the Miami Herald:
Depending on your profession, it appears that breasts can qualify as business assets - and
depreciable ones at that.
Indiana exotic dancer Cynthia S. Hess, aka "Chesty Love", claimed a $2,088 deduction in
1988 for depreciation on the surgical implants that enlarged her bust to size 56FF.
Special Trial Judge Joan Seitz Pate of U.S. Tax Court has allowed the deduction, ruling
that the implants did indeed increase Hess' income and that the breasts are so large and
cumbersome, about 10 pounds each, that they make her appear "freakish" and she
couldn't derive personal benefit from them.
From the television show "Frasier," a dialogue between Frasier and Niles, brothers and
fellow psychiatrists:
Frasier: I hate lawyers.
Niles: I do too, but they make wonderful patients. They have excellent health insurance
and they never get better.
My accountant recently sent me a thick wad of photocopied pages about the IRS's
position on home offices, in which I (really, truly) found the following startling bit.
From _Federal Tax Coordinator_ 2d, 2/18/93-73, pp. 34,052B - 34,053,
Section L-1311, "Residence Used for Business" [footnotes omitted]:
Even though a taxpayer may have to do part of her work at home, if another location was
her principal place of business, a deduction will be denied. Thus, where taxpayer who ran
a hot dog stand had to prepare meats, stews, and soups at home because the stand wasn't
big enough, the Tax Court denied a deduction because sales, which produced her income,
and final packaging for consumption, took place at the hot dog stand.
A pharmacist whose rented premises couldn't be expanded to include an office couldn't
get a deduction for his home office.
A nurse-anesthetist who rendered service to patients only at hospitals couldn't get a
deduction, even though he had to do his record keeping, billing, and professional reading
at home.
An emergency room doctor who treated patient at a hospital 35 hours a week was denied
deductions for a home office where he performed related tasks 5 hours a week.
[In the next 8 paragraphs, home office deductions are denied to a housing court judge, a
professional actor, a contractor, someone with muffler repair and airplane leasing
businesses, an office worker whose employer supplied her with home office equipment,
airline pilots, an engineer, and a licensed real estate person. We finally come to our lone
success...]
A drug dealer was entitled to a home office deduction with respect to a portion of his
apartment where it was his only place of business and he made substantial use of it in his
dealings in amphetamines, cocaine, and marijuana.
Perhaps I'm in the wrong business? - Lauren Ruth Wiener, writer

21

Courthouse officials in Durham, N.C., suspect that in February 1994, a disgruntled

lawyer or lawyers stole a big stack of brochures that explained how battered women
could obtain court orders against their husbands without resorting to a lawyer.
A lawyer had a jury trial in a very difficult business case. The client who had attended the
trial was out of town when the jury came back with its decision, which was for the lawyer
and his client. The lawyer immediately sent a telegram to his client, reading: "Justice has
triumphed!" The client wired back: "Appeal at once!"
A man was sent to Hell for his sins. As he was being taken to his place of eternal torment,
he saw a lawyer making passionate love to a beautiful woman. "What a ripoff," the man
muttered. "I have to roast for all eternity, and that lawyer gets to spend it with a beautiful
woman." Jabbing the man with his pitchfork, the escorting Satan snarled, "Who are you
to question that woman's punishment?"
A lawyer was asked if hed like to become a Jehovah's Witness. He declined, as he hadn't
seen the accident, but would still be interested in taking the case.
The lawyer wandered home at 3 AM. His wife became very upset, telling him, "You're
late! You said you'd be home by 11:45!" The lawyer replied, "I'm right on time. I said I'd
be home by a quarter of twelve."

22