HI , ALL !

MY NAME IS ADDIE , AND I ABSOLUTELY LOVE THIS FANFIC BY NILLA , L ONER . I

THOUGHT I D SHARE IT WITH YOU ALL , AND LET YOU KNOW THAT IT IS A MUST READ! SERIOUSLY , IF YOU LIKE TWILIGHT FAN -FICTION , THIS IS ONE OF THE BEST
ONES OUT THERE . IT IS HOWEVER , AN AU-AH STORY, AND CONTAINS MENTION OF
RAPE AND ABUSE , SO IF YOU CAN T HANDLE THAT, OR ARE UNDERAGE , I HIGHLY
SUGGEST YOU LEAVE THIS ONE BE.
I FIND IT IMPORTANT TO SAY ONCE MORE, THAT I DID NOT WRITE THIS . I WANT
ALL THE CREDIT TO GO WHERE IT IS RIGHTLY DESERVED. N ILLA, WHO YOU CAN
FIND ON TWILIGHTED. NET, WROTE THIS IN A STROKE OF PURE GENUIS . ALSO ,
OF COURSE , STEPHANIE MEYER IS CREDITED WITH ALL THE IDEAS OF TWILIGHT
THE CHARACTER , THE SETTING , ETC.
ENJOY . YOURS IN ALL THINGS TWILIGHTED ,

ADDIE .

LONER

by Nilla

Summary: Edward Cullen was a loner, an outcast. He clearly hated everybody,

including himself. He was not a nice person. So, why was I so drawn to him? And
why did I get the crazy feeling he felt the same way?
WARNING: This story will deal with the aftermath of child abuse and rape. If that
bothers you too much, I strongly recommend that you dont read.

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Chapter 1
Prologue
EPOV
I heard the door open and fought back the urge to hide under the covers. My heart
was beating wildly in my chest, but I refused to give him the satisfaction of seeing
me cry. I could feel the bed shift as he sat down, and held my breath, wondering

what I had done wrong this time. Not that it really mattered, of course. He would
always find a reason to punish me.
As much as I wanted to run, preferably as far away as possible, I knew it wasnt an
option. Because I had no place to go. So I remained where I was, waiting for what
was about to come and silently praying that just this once, it would be over
quickly. I wouldnt get my hopes up, though. It was the same thing almost every
night, and tonight would be no different.
I could smell the reek of alcohol, coming off him in waves, and wasnt sure
whether or not to be relieved. I was only nine years old, but had long since learned
the meaning of being drunk. If I was lucky, he would be too tired to do things
properly. But I also knew that alcohol sometimes affected his behavior in a bad
way. Years of experience had taught me never to take him for granted.
James had been married to my mother for as long as I could remember. He rarely
spoke to me during the days, but at night, he kept coming into my room. I was
used to it by now, still, I never really understood what I did that was so horrible
that I deserved to be punished like that.
The first blow came as a total surprise and I accidentally bit my tongue. I could
feel the taste of blood in my mouth, but somehow, my brain didnt register any
pain. However, the fear caused my heart to start beating even faster. The fact that
James had started beating me without explaining why was a bad sign; usually he
made a big show of letting me know the exact reason for every single punch, so I
would remember not to make the same mistake again.
I had learned the hard way that showing any sign of fear or pain would only make
things worse, so I somehow managed to remain silent as he kept hitting me, only
gasping for air between the punches. Finally he stopped, and I felt relief welling
up inside me. It hadnt been so bad this time.
Then I heard the familiar sound of a zipper being pulled down, and the relief
quickly got replaced with despair. I had been wrong; it was far from being over. It
was only the beginning...
OoO
Eight years later...
BPOV

The first time I saw Edward Cullen, we literally ran into each other. Or, to be more
accurate, I ran into him. I was in a hurry and didnt watch where I was going, not
that I needed an excuse to be clumsy. For some reason, stumbling over my own
feet just came naturally to me.
It was my second day at Forks High School, and people kept treating me like I was
some kind of celebrity. The attention made me feel more than a little
uncomfortable; I just wanted to blend in. But, seeing how my father was head of
the police force in this small town - known to everyone as Chief Swan - my arrival
was unfortunately pretty big news.
I wasnt exactly popular at my old school; to tell the truth, I only had a few people
I called friends, none of them very close. But since I moved here, I noticed that
people actually searched me out; wanted to hang out with me. It was all new to
me, and kind of confusing, since I had never thought of myself as interesting in
any way. Honestly, I had always preferred to keep to myself.
This one guy, Mike Newton, kept following me around like a puppy, which
annoyed the hell out of me, although I didnt have the heart to tell him to go away.
He wasnt rude or anything, but it was painfully obvious that he wanted more than
just friendship. And that was not something I was ready to deal with.
I had just managed to ditch him, as nicely as I was capable of, I might add, when it
happened. I was on my way to my next class and stepped around a corner when I
crashed into a hard, muscular chest, knocking the air right out of me. Dropping the
books I was carrying, I could do little more than just stare at the person in front of
me.
The boy, if you could call him that, was absolutely stunning; his skin was pale and
his eyes the most beautiful shade of green. He had high cheekbones, a strong
jawline, a perfectly straight nose, and full lips that just seemed to scream kiss
me. His bronze colored hair was messy, and I found myself wondering what it
would feel like to run my fingers through it.
Our eyes met, and time seemed to be standing still. He took a step closer, and for a
second, I got the crazy idea that he was going to kiss me. In all honesty, in that
moment, I would have been unable to stop him. Then his eyes narrowed
dangerously and he spoke to me for the first time.
Watch where youre going, bitch.
I opened my mouth, and then closed it again. My eyes widened in disbelief. Did he
just call me a bitch? Blushing furiously, I shook my head, as if to clear it. W-

what? I managed to stutter. Clearly, my mind wasnt working. Otherwise, I would

have been able to come up with a snarky response. Sure, I was the one who had
run into him. Still, he didnt have to be a jerk about it.
Just get the fuck out of my way. With that, he pushed his way past me and I was
left to stare after him with my mouth wide open. Okay, what had just happened?
This strange guy, who just happened to look like some kind of Greek god, had
insulted me, twice, and then left without even giving me a chance to apologize, or
ask for his phone number.
Wait, what was wrong with me? He was mean and rude, and he sure as hell didnt
deserve any apology from me. I took a deep breath, forcing myself to calm down.
Glancing around, I was relieved to find that I was alone in the corridor; thankfully,
no one had witnessed my embarrassment.
OoO
EPOV
The hurt expression on her face kept haunting me as I strode through the corridor,
although I did my best to ignore it, telling myself that I didnt care. People kept
moving out of my way and allowing me to pass, knowing me better than to act
differently. They avoided me as usual, and it suited me just fine.
Fury started welling up inside me as my encounter with the brown-haired girl with
the chocolate eyes played in my mind over and over again. She had touched me,
accidentally maybe, but still, I had felt her warm body pressed up against mine and
it had taken just about every ounce of strength I possessed not to break down in
panic.
The mere idea of someone, anyone, touching me made my skin crawl. Over the
years, I had earned myself quite a reputation at school, which resulted in most
people simply staying out of my way. I didnt have any friends, and truth be told, I
didnt want any. In fact, the only one who still bothered was Alice, and I did my
best to push her away.
So, why couldnt I get this new girl out of my head? Why did I feel almost bad for
snapping at her? And why did I keep wondering when I would see her again? It
just didnt make any sense. Suddenly, I felt a desperate need to get away. So I
turned around abruptly and headed for the nearest exit, shoving people out of my
way and glaring threateningly at anyone who dared to look annoyed.

Once I was out of the school building, I felt a little better. I took a couple of deep
breaths, inhaling the cold air into my lungs. My hands were still shaking, so I
reached into my pocket and pulled out a crumpled packet of cigarettes, relieved to
find there was still a couple left.
As I lit one up and took a deep drag, I finally began to calm down. This wasnt like
me at all, reacting this strongly to a girl. It made me feel confused, vulnerable, and
angry. I didnt need this. I was doing just fine by myself, existing but not really
living. And I had every intention of keeping it that way.
I should have asked for her fucking name.

Chapter 2
BPOV
After my disastrous encounter with the guy I found myself referring to in my mind
as Green Eyed Jerk (I had yet to learn his real name) things just went down-hill.
Forcefully slamming my locker shut, I turned around, and walked straight into
Mike Newton. Okay, this was getting ridiculous. I obviously couldnt take two
steps without literally bumping into other people.
Unlike Green Eyed Jerk, Mikes face lit up as if I had just given him a big hug or
something. Bella! he cried out, grinning widely. I was just looking for you. You
seemed to be in a hurry to get out of class.
I suppressed the urge to roll my eyes. Mike and I had a few classes together, and
so far, he had spent most of the time watching me with a longing expression on his
face, which I did my best to ignore. The truth was, his attention made me feel
uncomfortable. I barely knew the guy for crying out loud.
I opened my mouth, although I had no idea what to say, when I felt someone
tapping my shoulder. There you are, Bella. Turning around, I recognized the two
girls in front of me; Jessica Stanley and Lauren Mallory. Jessica batted her
eyelashes at Mike before turning her attention back to me. Its time for lunch.
Youll sit with us, right? Laurens bored expression told me that she couldnt care
less. I frowned at her, wondering what her problem was.
Um... I hesitated, searching my mind for a way to turn Jess down without
sounding like an ungrateful bitch. To tell the truth, she had been nothing but nice

to me so far. And yet, there was something about her that just rubbed me the
wrong way, although I couldnt quite put my finger on it. Maybe it was just me,
being weird as usual. I always seemed to have a hard time connecting with other
people.
Actually, Im on my way to the library, I lied, blurting out the first thing that
came to me. I need to pick up a book for one of my classes. But I might join you
when Im done. Of course, I had no intention of doing so, but she didnt need to
know that.
Luckily, Jess seemed to accept my excuse. Instead she gave Mike a hopeful look.
What about you, Mike? Are you coming?
He glanced at me, clearly disappointed that I wouldnt be joining them, and I gave
him a smile I hoped would be encouraging. Go ahead. Ill see you guys later.
Finally taking the hint, he nodded, although somewhat reluctantly. Jess on the
other hand was beaming, and I got the feeling she wouldnt miss me too much.
As I watched them leave, I let out the breath I had been holding. I just didnt have
anything in common with these people. Still, on some level, I wanted them to like
me. Sighing, I contemplated my options. I supposed I could go to the library and
hang out there until it was time to go to my next class, but the idea didnt seem too
appealing.
That was when I heard a voice behind me; Uh-oh! Ditching the cool kids? Youre
in trouble now.
I spun around. In front of me was a short, very pretty girl with spiky, dark hair. My
eyes narrowed suspiciously. Excuse me?
She rolled her eyes and gave me a friendly smile. Relax, Im kidding. Bella,
right? Im Alice Cullen. Walking straight up to me, she reached out her hand in
greeting.
Shaking her hand somewhat warily, I forced a smile as well. Nice to meet you.
Sure. She watched me closely. So, you like it here so far?
I guess. Sure. I shrugged, not sure what she wanted to hear.
Alice raised a brow in question. You dont really need to go to the library, do
you?

Blushing, I hesitated for a moment before I answered; Not really, no.

Her smile widened. Good. Then come with me. Ill introduce you to some people
who can think for themselves and are fully capable of having an actual
conversation.
Um, okay. For some reason, I liked this girl already. Strange, because we clearly
couldnt be more different. She was pretty and outspoken. I was plain and
withdrawn. At least, that was what I used to think.
Practically bouncing up and down, she linked our arms together and started
pulling me towards the cafeteria. Yay! You have to meet my boyfriend. And my
brothers. Oh, Bella, I just know were gonna be the best of friends! I found
myself following her without objections, not that she gave me much choice.
As we entered the school cafeteria, Alices eyes darted back and forth for a second
before she let out a squeal. A moment later, she had dragged me across the room
until we reached a small table with three stunningly beautiful people, two guys and
a girl, who were all staring at me curiously. My eyes widened in disbelief. How
could Alice possibly think I could ever fit in with them?
Hey, guys! This is my new friend, Bella Swan. Bella, this is my boyfriend, Jasper
Whitlock. One of the guys; he had honey blond hair and looked like a male
model, nodded in greeting. I was too astonished to respond. Oblivious to my inner
turmoil, Alice went on, And this is my older brother, Emmett, and his girlfriend,
Rosalie Hale.
I swallowed, hard. Um, hi? Great! Could I sound more like a loser?
Youre Chief Swans daughter, right? The girl; Rosalie, gave me the look-over,
obviously not too impressed, and I simply nodded, feeling like something the cat
had just dragged in. Emmett on the other hand gave me a big, goofy grin. Jasper
remained silent, but his eyes were kind, friendly even. I took a deep breath, forcing
myself to relax, and sat down on the empty chair next to Alice.
You guys seen Edward today? Alice bit her lip, suddenly appearing to be a little
uncomfortable. Surprised by her sudden mood swing, I couldnt help but wonder
what that was about. It was obviously a touchy subject, because she was met with
total silence, the tension around the table suddenly so thick you could cut it with a
knife.
Frowning, I gave her a look of confusion. Whos Edward?

Alice looked a little taken aback, but recovered quickly. Oh, Edwards my other
brother. He goes to school here as well.
Before I got the chance to ask anything else, I was interrupted by Emmett.
Edwards not really our brother. Hes adopted.
Oh? I really had no idea how to respond to that.
Giving Emmett a warning look, Alice then turned back to me, sounding almost
apologetic, Emmett and Edward dont get along.
Emmett let out a snort. Edward doesnt get along with anyone. I noticed how
Alice glared at him, causing him to lower his eyes. Well, its true, he mumbled.
An awkward silence followed, and I suddenly felt like an intruder, imposing on a
private moment. I briefly considered offering to leave, before remembering that it
was in fact Alice who had invited me over. If she wanted me to leave them alone,
surely she would tell me so. Still, I kept my eyes on my hands, folded neatly in my
lap.
Finally Alice spoke up again, this time directly to me, and I could hear sadness in
her voice. Theres one thing you have to understand, Bella. Edward has... she
hesitated, some personal issues. But hes not a bad person, not really. Most people
just dont know him like I do.
I found myself nodding in understanding. Oh, Im sure thats true, I quickly
assured her, not knowing what else to say. It must have been the right thing,
though, because the relief was evident on Alices face. Smiling gratefully at me,
she then changed the subject and started talking about the latest fashion, all
thoughts about her brother seemingly forgotten.
To my surprise, I found myself actually enjoying the company of these people,
even if Rosalie still made me a little nervous. Before I knew it, it was time to go to
my next class, which happened to be Biology. Rushing into the classroom, I just
barely managed to make it in time.
Yesterday, I had been sitting alone, the seat next to mine empty. That was just fine
by me, I didnt need a lab partner. But today, someone was already sitting there.
My eyes widened in surprise when I immediately recognized the bronze-haired
boy I had accidentally ran into earlier, AKA Green Eyed Jerk. Great!
Resisting the urge to just turn around and leave the classroom, I reluctantly made
my way over to him, very slowly so I wouldnt trip over something and make an

even bigger fool of myself. Finally I reached the table, thankfully without causing
an accident of some kind, and slipped into the empty seat with a sigh.
I glanced at him after a brief moments hesitation, and found him staring back at
me, his face a mixture of uncertainty and recognition. He opened his mouth as if to
say something, but stopped himself as a large shadow fell over our table. Looking
up in confusion, my eyes landed on a guy I vaguely recognized as Tyler Crowley. I
gave him a questioning look.
Come on, Bella, you dont have to sit here. Tyler gave me a friendly smile as he
went on, There are a few empty seats in the front row. Just come with me and Ill
show you.
Although I have to admit that a part of me was tempted to take him up on his offer,
confusion welled up inside me, making me hesitate. Why would it matter to Tyler
where I sat? I had seen when I entered the classroom that he already had a partner.
Trying my best to smile, it came out a bit strained. Thanks, but Im fine right
here. Was I really, though? I honestly didnt know.
Tyler looked almost shocked, as if he had expected me to jump up and follow him
without hesitation. He quickly covered up, though, leaning closer to me and
lowering his voice, like he was talking to a small child, Bella, seriously, why
would you wanna sit with this freak? He gestured towards the boy next to me
with his thumb.
My eyes narrowed, and I found myself once again glancing at the absolutely
perfectly sculptured creature (who was I kidding, he was no more a boy than I was
the queen of England) with eyes more beautiful than emeralds. Sure, my first
impression of him hadnt been the best, but surely calling him a freak was a little
too harsh.
It merely lasted for a second, but I didnt miss the hurt expression on his face, and
I felt like my heart was about to stop. Taking a deep breath, I turned back to Tyler,
not bothering to smile at him this time. Like I said; Im fine here. Crossing my
arms over my chest, I hoped he would take the hint and leave. To my great relief,
he did.
As the teacher started talking, not that I was paying much attention at the moment,
I hesitated a little before turning to my new lab partner and softly clearing my
throat. Might as well get it over with, I thought, waiting for him to look at me
before I spoke up, quietly, Hi, Im Bella. Bella Swan.
He remained silent, just watching me with an unreadable look on his face, and I

started to feel like an idiot for even trying. Then he finally spoke, his voice
surprisingly smooth this time, like velvet, Edward Cullen.
Letting out the breath I had been holding, I was about to reach out my hand in
greeting, but something made me decide against it. Then it hit me, and I quickly
put two and two together. Edward Cullen? This had to be Alices brother.
Um... I searched my mind, suddenly desperate to hear his voice again. Okay,
what the hell was that about? The words were out of my mouth before I realized I
had spoken, Im sorry about before. Running into you, I mean. Wait a minute,
was I actually apologizing to him? But the look on his face when Tyler had called
him a freak...
He looked surprised for a moment, and I noticed how his eyes darkened. Finally
he muttered, Whatever. Just dont let it happen again.
Excuse me?
Any sympathy I may have felt for him quickly got replaced by anger. I glared at
him. It was an accident, and I said I was sorry. You werent exactly nice to me,
either.
Edward just stared at me, then let out a bitter laugh. Yeah, well, Im not a nice
person, Bella. Youd do well by remembering that. Then he turned away from me
and started scribbling furiously in his notebook. He didnt speak to me again, and
the second the teacher announced that class was dismissed, he was already out of
his chair and halfway towards the door.

Chapter 3
EPOV
I entered the house as quietly as possible, not wanting to draw any attention to
myself. I was in a bad mood, and if Esme was around, she would most likely start
asking questions. She had always been able to read my emotions like a book, and I
really wasnt looking forward to hear that concerned note in her voice, Whats
wrong, Edward? Is something bothering you? You know Im here for you if theres
anything you want to talk about...
Fucking bullshit.

In fairness to Esme, she was just trying to be nice. Supportive. Because thats the
kind of person she was; caring and helpful, always thinking of others. Ever since I
first came to stay with her and her husband, Carlisle, about six years ago, she had
done her best to make me feel like a part of the family.
As if I needed any of that.
I dont mean to sound ungrateful; I do appreciate what the Cullens have done for
me. Not everyone would take pity on a damaged eleven-year-old, welcoming him
into their home and making an effort to treat him like he mattered. Like I was just
any other, normal kid. Except that I wasnt, and we all knew it.
Just like we all knew that I would never truly be one of them. They could feed me,
dress me up to their liking, and pay for my studies. But I would always be an
outcast.
Hurrying up the stairs, I was relieved when I made it to my room without running
into anyone. It seemed like I had the house all to myself for the moment. Casting a
look at my watch, I suspected that Carlisle and Esme were still at work. Alice was
probably out shopping or something; she used to spend more time at the mall than
at home. And Emmett, well, I didnt really give a damn what he was doing.
I slumped down on my bed, rummaging through my school bag until I found my
iPod. Usually the music helped me keep any unwelcome thoughts away, but not
today. Instead my mind started wandering, and, much to my frustration, I kept
seeing images of the new girl, Bella, flashing through my head. Wait, why the fuck
did I even bother to remember her name?
Thinking back on our brief conversation in Biology earlier today, if you could
even call it a conversation, I realized I had probably pissed her off. Good. That
should teach her to stay the hell away from me. Not that I would ever admit it out
loud, but a part of me felt a little bad for not being able to just accept her apology
like a normal person. And we were back to that again. I. Was. Not. Normal.
My therapist liked to go on about the danger of me refusing to let other people into
my life. And I would nod and pretend to listen, when in reality, I couldnt care less
about her fucking opinion. I hated her with a passion, but I still went to my
sessions every week, like a good boy. I didnt want to give Carlisle and Esme any
reason to send me away. Who knew where I would end up then?
Carlisle and Esme never asked me about my therapy sessions with Dr. Clearwater
(she kept insisting Id call her Sue, and I kept refusing, not wanting her to think we

were buddies or anything), and for that, I was grateful. If they knew I rarely said a
word during those sessions, they would probably be deeply disappointed, seeing
how they were the ones who paid for the whole thing.
I wished I could just tell them to knock it off, explain that I didnt need to dwell on
my fucked up past. It wasnt like talking about it would change what happened. I
was already broken beyond repair; seeing a therapist once a week wouldnt
magically make me better. But they seemed to think that was the case, and over the
years, I had come to realize it was easier to just go along with it. At least that
would keep them off my back.
There was a brief knock before the door suddenly swung open, causing me to
jump, and I glared at Alice who stepped into my room without waiting for an
invitation, not like she ever did. Get out, I grumbled. Of course, she would
ignore my hostility; she was one of the few people who had never been the least
bit intimidated by my temper.
I sighed when she bounced over to the bed and sat down. What the fuck do you
want? Im busy.
Hello to you, too, brother dear. Alice smiled, widely. What are you doing?
I stared at her in bewilderment. Why?
She studied me, closely. You dont look very busy to me.
Silently counting to five, I took a deep breath, determined not to let Alice get to
me. Why couldnt she just leave me alone? I supposed she believed that,
somewhere deep down, I actually appreciated her company. She continued, not
waiting for me to respond, because we both knew I was lying. I wasnt busy; I just
wanted her to go away. Did you see the new girl, Bella Swan?
I let out a groan, just barely able to keep from slamming my iPod into the wall.
Not Bella again! I had just managed to get that damn bitch out of my head, why,
why did Alice have to bring her up? I didnt want to be reminded of Bella fucking
Swan; just thinking about her stirred up all these feelings inside me, feelings that I
didnt understand.
It scared the hell out of me.
What scared me the most was the fact that, deep inside, a part of me actually
wanted to see Bella again. I didnt understand why, but I was curious about her.
And that was dangerous, for so many reasons. I needed to keep people away from

me, at a safe distance, so they wouldnt find out the truth about me.
I was screwed up. Unlovable. Worthless. Even my own mother had told me so,
that night six years ago, when the police finally came and took James away. She
had tried pleading with them, telling them it was all my fault; that James hadnt
done anything to me that I didnt deserve. I knew she was right, having heard
those words countless times over the years. But James ended up in a jail cell, and I
was taken from the only place I had known as home.
Edward? Hello? Alices voice snapped me out of my memories, and I gave her a
startled look, instinctively flinching back as she waved her hand in front of my
face to catch my attention. Looking slightly alarmed, she immediately held up her
hands in a non-threatening gesture. Whats wrong?
Jumping up from the bed, I quickly moved across the room, desperate to put some
distance between us. Alice knew better than attempting to touch me, but I needed
some space, suddenly feeling like the walls were closing in on me. Nothings
wrong, I muttered, struggling to get my breathing under control.
Alice didnt look convinced, but clearly decided to let the matter drop. I was
relieved when she changed the subject, until I realized she was back to talking
about Bella again, So, the new girl, Bella? She sat with us at lunch today. I like
her a lot, shes really sweet.
I could feel a headache coming up, and gave her a warning look. Alice...
She cut me off, What are you doing tomorrow night?
Why? I was too tired to argue with her; if Id just humor her, she might get
bored and go find someone else to annoy.
One could only hope.
Alice bit her lip, suddenly not meeting my eyes. Well, its Friday. Jasper and
Emmett are going out. I know they would love for you to join them.
I let out a snort, not sure whether to laugh or tell her to fuck off. Jasper tolerated
me, as long as Alice was around. Emmett wouldnt piss on me if I was on fire. If I
got wiped off the face of the planet tomorrow, he would be the first to celebrate.
Of course, the feelings were very much mutual.
Finally looking up, Alice rolled her eyes at my skeptical expression. You know,
Jasper would like to be your friend, if youd just let him.

If I had a dollar for every time wed had this conversation, Id be a fucking
millionaire. I dont want any friends.
She opened her mouth, then closed it again. For a moment, she looked
exasperated. Then she shook her head, as if to clear it. The reason I brought it up
is because Rose and Bella are coming over tomorrow night. Were having a girls
night; a sleep-over. I just thought... She shrugged, leaving the rest of the sentence
hanging.
It all made sense to me now. Her friends were coming over; of course she wanted
me out of the house. I felt anger well up inside me. If you want me to stay away
tomorrow night, why dont you just fucking say so? You dont have to pretend that
your precious boyfriend actually wants anything to do with me.
Alice looked surprised, and a little hurt. Dont be ridiculous! It was just a
thought, of course you can stay here if you want to.
Damn right, I can. And I fucking intend to. I glared at her, making it perfectly
clear that I couldnt be persuaded to do anything against my will. That was when
her words started to sink in. Wait. Bellas coming here? Tomorrow night?
Uh-huh. Alice nodded.
Fucking great!
*~*~*
When I arrived at school the next day, I had it all figured out. I would stay as far
away from Bella Swan as possible. If I saw her in the corridor, I would turn around
and walk the other way. Unfortunately, I would have to sit next to her in Biology,
but surely I could just ignore her. That was my plan, and I fully intended to stick to
it.
As usual, Alice tried to talk me into joining her and her friends for lunch, but I
always refused to enter the school cafeteria. It was too crowded, not to mention the
fact that Id rather starve to death than have to socialize with other people. Instead
I decided to go out for a smoke.
That was when I saw her, talking to Tyler Crowley. Rolling my eyes, I was just
about to turn in the other direction, when I noticed how they seemed to be arguing
about something. Bella looked upset, and all of the sudden, I was dying to find out
what was going on. Not that I cared about her feelings or anything, I was just

being curious. At least, that was what I tried telling myself.

I discreetly moved towards them, feeling like a stalker as I was half hiding behind
a large concrete pillar. My eyes narrowed, suspiciously. Why the hell did Tyler
have to stand so fucking close to her? Since they were both facing away from me,
I could get close enough to hear what they were saying.
I mean it, Tyler. I told you; Im not going to the stupid prom. Bella stubbornly
folded her arms over her chest, and I half expected her to stomp her foot like a kid.
Tyler raised his voice, obviously frustrated, What, my companys not good
enough for you? He clearly wasnt about to give up that easily, and I didnt have
to see Bellas face to know that he was making her feel uncomfortable. Suddenly, I
wanted nothing more than to just walk up to him and punch him in the face.
Again, not that I cared about Bella. Because I didnt.
Really.
After that, everything happened very fast. I could see Bella throw her arms up in
frustration, and she tried to simply step past Tyler, having obviously had enough.
But he grabbed her arm to stop her, causing her to wince in pain. And something in
me just snapped.
Stepping out of my hiding place, I started towards them with one single thought in
mind; that asshole had just hurt her, and I was going to rip his fucking head off.
But then I froze in my tracks, my eyes widening in disbelief.
Tyler cried out and dropped to his knees, as Bella had just kicked him, hard, right
in the balls. For a moment, time seemed to be standing still.
Then she spun around, and finally spotted me. Our eyes met, and the look on her
face was absolutely priceless. She threw a glance over her shoulder at Tyler, still
on the ground, and then turned back to me, looking completely horrified. I
couldnt help myself; the situation was just too ridiculous. So I started laughing.
However, I stopped abruptly when I saw tears welling up in her eyes. Her bottom
lip started trembling, and before I knew it, she just turned and ran, leaving me to
stare after her and wonder what the fucking hell just happened.
I suddenly felt like a dick.

Chapter 4
BPOV
My third day at Forks High started out even worse than the day before. Youd
think that wouldnt be possible, but then again, its me were talking about. My
beloved truck decided to betray me and break down half way to school, and I
really wasnt looking forward to walking the rest of the way in pouring rain.
For a moment, I considered calling my dad and asking him to come pick me up.
Then I decided that stepping out of Charlies police car in front of the whole
school would be even more humiliating than showing up looking like Id fallen
into the river, so I reluctantly pulled my hood over my head, left the car and
stepped out into the rain, wishing Id remembered to bring my umbrella.
I had just started walking, when a dark blue van drove past me, slowed down, and
pulled over to the side of the road. Bella? Tyler Crowley was hanging out the
window, looking like he had just won the grand prize at the carnival. You
shouldnt be out walking in this weather; jump in before youll catch a cold.
Um, sure, thanks. I fumbled with the door to the passenger seat and slipped
inside, grateful to have some roof over my head.
Here, let me help you. Tyler leaned over me, putting one hand on my thigh to
support himself as he struggled to fasten my seat belt. Seeing the look on my face,
he gave me a sheepish smile. It sometimes gets stuck, he explained in an
innocent voice, and I suppressed the urge to roll my eyes.
Yeah, right!
I was relieved when he drove into the school parking lot a few minutes later.
Mumbling another thank you, I hurried to get out of Tylers car before he would
offer to help me with my seat belt again, and accidentally stepped into a mud
puddle the size of the Pacific Ocean.
This day was just getting better and better...
At least it was Friday. Alice had invited me over to spend the night at her house,
along with Rosalie, and while I was looking forward to it, a part of me was a little
nervous. I wasnt really used to hanging out with other people after school, and

had basically never been to a slumber party in my entire life, so I had no idea what
to expect.
The fact that Alice had used words like manicure, pedicure, and makeover
didnt exactly make me feel less apprehensive about the whole thing.
And then there was Edward. Alice hadnt mentioned anything about him being
home or not tonight, and it wasnt like I could actually ask her. She had told me
that her brother had issues, and I found myself wondering if that was just her
way of saying he was a jerk. Still, a little voice in my head kept whispering that I
shouldnt be so quick to judge people.
Not that I usually listened to gossip, but when it came to Edward, it was
impossible not to notice how people were talking about him. I had merely been in
Forks for a few days, and I had already heard enough rumors to last a lifetime.
And they all seemed to be saying the same thing.
Edward Cullen was a loner, an outcast. He clearly hated everybody, including
himself. He was not a nice person. So, why was I so drawn to him? And why did I
get the crazy feeling he felt the same way? There was something about the way he
had looked at me when I introduced myself in Biology class. For a moment there,
I had been certain that we would actually be able to have a civil conversation.
Then I had apologized for walking into him, and he had gone back to being rude.
And when I had pointed it out, he actually agreed with me; telling me he was not a
nice person, like he was trying to warn me to stay away from him. It made
absolutely no sense to me, and I decided that trying to figure Edward out would
only give me a headache.
I was supposed to meet up with Alice before lunch, but I got out of class early and
decided to step out for some air. That was when I heard footsteps behind me, and a
voice calling out my name. Bella! There you are; Ive been looking for you.
I immediately recognized the voice, and held back a sigh as I turned around to face
Tyler. Whats up? I asked, somewhat suspiciously. Then my eyes widened in
horror as he held up a small, plastic object, and I had to restrain myself to keep
from ripping it out of his hand.
You dropped this in my car, he explained as I quickly grabbed the little white
bottle of pills from him and shoved it down into my pocket. Although I refused to
look at him, I could feel his curious eyes on me. Painkillers, huh? By the look of
it, theyre pretty strong, too. What, you get migraines or something?

I nodded, still not meeting his eyes. Yeah, thats right. I get migraines. Look,
Tyler, I appreciate you giving me a ride this morning, it was really nice of you. I
gotta go now, see you later. I started to turn around, desperate to get away before
he would start asking more questions.
Wait! He quickly jumped in front of me, keeping me from leaving. I was just
wondering something. He must have taken my silence as a sign to go on. We
seem to be getting along really well, and I just wanted to ask you if youd like to
go to the prom with me?
What?!
So, now it was official; the gods hated me. Ugh!
It took a moment before I realized that I was just staring at him, and managed to
snap out of the shock. Um... I swallowed, hard, forcing my mouth to form the
words when I just wanted to run. Im sorry; it was nice of you to ask, but Im not
going.
I dont know why I had expected Tyler to just take my no for what it was and
leave it at that. Instead he took a step closer, looking deep into my eyes. Come
on, Bella, well have a great time. Dont be shy, I know you wanna go.
Okay, now I was getting angry. What did it take for him to just take the damn hint
and leave me alone? I clenched my teeth, forcing myself to keep my voice calm.
No, actually, I dontwant to go. I mean it, Tyler. I told you; Im not going to the
stupid prom. I gave him a hard look and folded my arms across my chest.
He raised his voice, What, my companys not good enough for you? It was
obvious that he was getting frustrated by my rejection.
That made two of us.
I opened my mouth, then closed it again, deciding not to waste any more time
arguing with him. So I tried to walk past him, and that was when he grabbed me,
causing blinding pain to shoot through my arm. I gasped, desperately fighting back
the tears as I was instantly taken back to the day it happened.
Bella? Oh, God, Bella, Im so sorry! Are you okay? I didnt mean-
I cradled my broken arm against my chest, sobbing hysterically, although I barely
felt any pain at the moment. Dont touch me, Phil! Let me go to my mom! He held
on to me, and I struggled to break free. Mom! Mom!

A cry of pain brought me back to reality, and I found myself looking down at Tyler
Crowleys huddled form on the ground. As my brain slowly started to take in what
had just happened, I heard a noise behind me and spun around.
Edward Cullen was standing a few feet away, a stunned expression on his face,
and I realized he had probably witnessed the whole thing. Feeling like my head
was spinning, I cast a glance at Tyler, who had yet to recover. Then I turned back
to Edward, my eyes widening in horror. What had I done?
For a moment, we just stared at each other. He seemed to be just as speechless as I
was. Then, he started laughing.
He was laughing at me.
Humiliation and shame welled up inside me. No longer able to keep the tears from
falling, I turned around abruptly, and fled from the scene. Alice completely
forgotten, I never made it to the cafeteria. Instead I locked myself into the girls
bathroom and spent the rest of the hour sobbing quietly into crumpled paper
towels.
God, I was pathetic.
I seriously considered ditching Biology so I wouldnt have to face Edward again
so soon, but reluctantly decided against it, knowing that Charlie would have a fit if
he found out I was cutting classes. Sometimes, being the Chiefs daughter really
sucked.
When I entered the classroom, Edward was already sitting behind our table in the
back, and I tensed up for a moment. Then I took a deep breath and strode across
the room, almost stumbling on a chair, but, thankfully, managed to keep my
balance.
I noticed that Tyler wasnt there. At least that was one less thing to worry about.
Slipping into my seat, I immediately felt Edwards eyes on me. However, he didnt
say anything, and I let out a sigh of relief when Mr. Banner entered the room a
moment later. But Edward kept staring at me, which made me feel more than a
little self-conscious, so I let my hair fall over my shoulder like a curtain, as if
hiding my face would make me invisible to him.
He never spoke a word to me, though, and when the bell finally rang almost an
hour later, he was out of his seat just as fast as the day before. It was when I

slowly started gathering my books that I spotted the folded piece of paper on the
table next to me. I hesitated a little before picking it up.
The message was short; only two words, but very clear. Im sorry. I stared at the
words; to say that I was surprised would be a huge understatement, and looked up,
almost expecting to see Edward over by the door. But, of course, the doorway was
empty and he was nowhere to be seen.
*~*~*
It was no longer raining, so I didnt mind walking home from school. Alice had
offered to give me a ride, but I had politely declined, insisting that I could use
some fresh air. She had questioned me about my absence at lunch, and I lied and
told her I had to go to the school nurses office since Id gotten a really bad
headache, but assured her that it was all better now.
When I got home, I decided to start making dinner for Charlie, since I would most
likely already have left by the time he would be back. If I had been nervous about
running into Edward at the Cullens house before, I was even more anxious now.
But at the same time, a part of me couldnt help but hope that he would be home.
Which I realized didnt make any sense at all.
I pulled the note out of my pocket and read it again. It still said the same thing.
Edward Cullen had actually apologized to me. Not out loud, of course, but still. It
made me wonder if maybe he wasnt such a bad person after all. Was it possible
that his cold and hostile behavior could just be a way to keep people away from
him? For a moment, I didnt know what to think.
Id be lying if I told myself that I wasnt attracted to him. He was absolutely
gorgeous, and I knew I could just lose myself in those green eyes, should I dare to
hold his gaze for more than a few seconds. There was something dark and
mysterious about him, and all of the sudden, I felt an almost desperate need to find
out everything about him.
Remembering Emmetts words about Edward being adopted, I found myself
wondering what had happened to his real parents. I figured I could always ask
Alice, but for some reason, it didnt seem right to go behind Edwards back like
that. I supposed my only other option would be to ask him myself.
Right. Like that would ever happen. I wasnt a complete idiot, after all.
Deciding to push all thoughts about Edward Cullen to the back of my mind, I tried

to force myself to concentrate on Charlies dinner. While I was slicing tomatoes

for the salad, I couldnt help but wonder if Edward would like my cooking.
Dinner, Bella. Focus!
When I had finished preparing the food, I went up to my room to pack my
overnight bag. It didnt take long, since I was only bringing my tooth brush, my
pajamas, my hair brush, and some clean clothes to wear the next day. About five
minutes later, I was all packed and ready to go.
Rosalie had promised to come pick me up, since I hadnt had the opportunity to
get my car fixed. I had to admit that I still felt a bit intimidated by her, and prayed
that the ride over to the Cullens house would be over quickly. What if we
wouldnt have anything to talk about? Seeing how Rosalie and I couldnt possibly
have much in common, I found that scenario most likely.
Why had I agreed to this again?
But Alice was the one who had invited me; in fact, she had practically begged me
to come, and I had to admit that I felt more than a little flattered that she so
obviously wanted to be my friend. She was without doubt the nicest person I had
met here in Forks so far.
Maybe things wouldnt be so bad after all. Maybe I would actually have a great
time tonight.
A car suddenly honked down on the street, causing me to jump. I rushed over to
the window and peeked outside, immediately recognizing Rosalies red BMW M3
convertible. Taking a deep breath, I grabbed my bag and headed for the stairs.
There was no turning back now.
I was going to the Cullens.

Chapter 5
EPOV
So, Bella had run off crying. It shouldnt bother me. Whatever her problem was, I
couldnt care less. So what if I was the reason behind those fucking tears? I didnt
care. Because...

Because I was a cold-hearted douche bag, who didnt give a fuck about other
peoples feelings. Right?
Right!
So why did I feel guilty? Why did I feel like I needed to go find Bella and
apologize? Not that I would, though. Shed get over it. Besides, it wasnt like I had
hurt her feelings on purpose. How the hell was I supposed to know that she would
be so fucking sensitive?
In all honesty, I knew I couldnt really blame her. As if having to deal with that
asshole, Tyler Crowley, wouldnt be bad enough. She mustve thought I was
making fun of her, which couldnt be farther away from the truth. But that was just
me; screwing things up as usual.
Good thing Bella beat the crap out of him. I still wanted to kick Tylers ass for
grabbing her like that. To tell the truth, I didnt know which upset me the most; the
fact that he had hurt her, or that hed had the nerve to ask her to the fucking prom.
Didnt the bastard realize that she was way too good for the likes of him?
Wait. I was supposed to stay away from Bella Swan. I shouldnt even be thinking
about her. So, why did I keep seeing images of her perfect, pale face, her sad, tearfilled eyes?
Why did I keep feeling like an ass?
As I slowly walked through the long corridors, heading for my next class, I made
my decision. I was going to tell Bella I was sorry for laughing at her. I would
explain to her it was all just a big misunderstanding; if she then couldnt find it in
her heart to forgive me, that was her problem. At least I would feel better about
myself for trying. And then I would be able to forget her, and move on with my
life.
My life... What a joke! I was seventeen years old, and already dead inside.
I slipped into the classroom and quickly made my way over to my seat in the back,
not making eye contact with anyone. People were always whispering about me
behind my back, but they rarely had the guts to say anything to my face. It made
me both angry and relieved at the same time.
Although I pretended to be oblivious most of the time, I was well aware of the
rumors going around at school. Some were saying I was into drugs, others insisted
I had a criminal record. And everyone seemed to agree that I was a freak, not

worth getting to know, which suited me perfectly.

Of course, every once in a while, the fucking gossip became too much, and I
simply snapped. Usually I managed to bottle it up until I got home and was alone
in my room, where I could take my anger and frustration out on the furniture, or
whatever was available.
On rare occasions, I had ended up punching some poor fuckers lights out, since
once I had started pounding on someone, I kept going until I was certain they
wouldnt be able to strike back. I had no problem with physical contact, as long as
I was the one in control.
Bella was nowhere to be seen, and I wondered if she would even show up. Maybe
she would be too embarrassed, and simply ditch class. A part of me wished that
was the case; that she would just stay away. Then I wouldnt have to talk to her. At
the same time, the idea of not seeing her made me feel a pang in my chest.
What the hell was it about this girl that made me react this way?
All of the sudden, there she was, standing in the doorway, and our eyes met. Then
she quickly looked away, but I didnt miss how her cheeks turned bright red. For a
moment, I almost thought she would turn around and bolt. But she remained
where she was, and then she finally started towards me, almost tripping over her
feet.
I held my breath until she sat down next to me, keeping her eyes on the table in
front of her. That was when I decided it was time to say something, before the
teacher would arrive and start the class. Taking a deep breath, I opened my mouth,
and then closed it again. She had yet to turn her face in my direction, and I kept
watching her in silence, willing her to raise her head.
But Bella stubbornly avoided looking at me. For some reason, her obvious
reluctance to meet my eyes made me more bold, and I found myself unable to take
my eyes away from her. Just talk to her, you idiot! an annoying little voice
screamed inside my head. But the words just wouldnt come.
When Mr. Banner arrived a couple of minutes later and announced that class was
about to begin, I almost growled in frustration. What the hell was wrong with me?
Was I really so fucked up that I couldnt even open my mouth and say a few words
to the girl sitting next to me, when I for once actually wanted to speak to
someone?
Obviously, I was.

Before I knew it, almost twenty minutes had passed, and I still hadnt managed to
tell Bella I was sorry for how I had acted earlier. And what I found even more
disturbing was the fact that I had kept staring at her the whole time, without even
being aware of what I was doing.
Way to go, asshole! Youre supposed to apologize to her, not making her feel even
more awkward than you already have.
Finally, in my desperation, I tore off a page from my notebook and quickly
scribbled down the words Im sorry., folded the paper and slid it across the table
towards her. Then I squeezed my eyes shut, silently cursing my stupidity.
Apologizing through a fucking note? What was I, twelve?
No, just really, really screwed up. Big surprise!
It felt like an eternity had passed before I finally dared to throw a glance in Bellas
direction. She was still sitting in the exact same position, facing away from me.
My pathetic little note was still lying there next to her books, untouched; either she
had completely missed it, or she had simply chosen to ignore it.
So much for trying.
When the bell rang, I immediately jumped up and grabbed my books, eager to get
away. It was settled; I just wasnt capable of interacting with other people. Deep
down, I couldnt help but wonder why I had even bothered in the first place.
*~*~*
BPOV
Hi, Bella! Im so glad youre here. Were gonna have so much fun tonight! Alice
was standing in the doorway, greeting me with a huge smile on her face.
I returned her smile, feeling slightly overwhelmed. Hi, Alice. Thanks for inviting
me. Rosalie stepped past me into the house, and I followed her after a brief
moments hesitation. Alice closed the door behind us, and I looked around with
wide eyes. Wow!
Rosalie laughed at my reaction. Pretty fancy, huh?
Thats... one way to put it, I gasped. The house was not like anything Id ever

seen before. Or maybe mansion would be more accurate. It was huge, and some
of the walls were actually made of glass. It was incredible.
So... Rosalie gave Alice an expectant look. What do you say we give Bella the
tour before getting started? Alice nodded, eagerly.
I looked between the two, feeling a little stupid. Um, getting started with what,
exactly?
Oh, we have so much work to do! Alice bounced up and down. You decide,
Bella. What do you wanna do first, the hair or the make-up?
Swallowing, I ran my fingers nervously through my long hair. Wait a minute. I
dont think-
Relax, Bella, Rosalie snickered. We do this every week. Alice usually starts
with me, and then I do her. Hair, make-up, clothes; the whole thing. Then we stuff
ourselves with ice-cream and popcorn, and watch movies on the big screen until
we drop.
I giggled. Youre kidding, right? They both looked at me with dead serious
expressions, and my face fell. Youre serious? I held back a sigh. This would be
a long night.
*~*~*
About an hour later, I was sitting in Alices room, wearing a purple, fluffy
bathrobe over my pajamas. My toe nails had been painted pink, and my hair fell
into big, soft curls over my shoulders. Alice was currently working on my face,
eying me thoughtfully before deciding on a light brown eyeshadow.
I felt ridiculous.
Rosalie was standing in front of Alices full-size mirror, watching her reflection
with a critical expression on her face. What do you think of my boobs in this
dress? Too big? She frowned. Or not big enough?
She glanced at me, and I blushed. Was she actually expecting me to answer that?
I... I, uh... I stuttered, looking at Alice for help.
Unlike me, Alice didnt appear to be the least bit uncomfortable with the subject.
She threw a brief look at Rosalie before turning her attention back to my eyes.
Hmm. Try on the other bra. Rosalie grunted, but obeyed.

Was this the kind of things girls normally did when they got together?
The moment Alice declared that my eyes were finished, I jumped up from the bed
before she got the chance to object. Ill go make the popcorn. Then a thought
occurred to me. Hey, Alice, do you have any chocolate chip cookies?
She thought for a moment, before shaking her head, apologetically. Afraid not.
Sorry.
I struggled to keep the grin off my face. Perfect! Thats okay. Ill just go make
some. I love to bake, and it wont take long. Alice frowned, and I gave her a
sheepish smile as I hurried to add, If you dont mind me using the kitchen?
Alice waved her hand in dismissal. No, of course not. Help yourself.
I let out a sigh of relief as I left the room and headed for the stairs. When I had
finished baking the cookies, Alice and Rosalie would hopefully be ready to watch
a movie instead of continuing with this torture I had been forced to endure over
the last hour.
As I started descending the stairs, I could suddenly hear voices below me, causing
me to freeze in my tracks. The last thing I wanted to do was eavesdropping on a
private conversation, and I suppose I should have just turned around and gone
back to Alices room. But for some reason, I found myself unable to walk away.
The voices grew louder, and I could hear a man and a woman arguing. Thats not
the point, Carlisle. Lately youve been spending more time at the hospital than
with your own family. We need you here at home.
Dont make this about me, Esme. The man sounded annoyed. We both know
what this is really about. You need to face the truth; the therapy isnt helping.
I realized it had to be Alices parents. As much as I felt bad about standing here
listening like this, I just couldnt help myself. What were they talking about?
Quitting therapy isnt the answer. He needs help, Carlisle. Its been six years, and
he still...
Okay, enough was enough. They were still talking, but I had stopped listening. I
had no idea what was going on, but it was obviously none of my business.
Hesitating for a moment, I considered simply forgetting about the cookies and
head back upstairs. That was when a blond, extremely handsome man appeared at

the bottom of the stairs.

He spotted me immediately. Hello. You must be Bella. My name is Carlisle, and
Im Alices father. Its a pleasure to meet you.
I stared at him in disbelief; surely he couldnt be more than thirty years old, thirtyfive at the most. He definitely didnt look old enough to have teenage children.
However, I quickly covered up my surprise, and tried to smile. Hi. Thanks for
letting me spend the night. You have a beautiful home.
Thank you. He smiled at me. My wifes done most of the work; she loves
restoring old houses. He glanced over his shoulder before clearing his throat.
Youll have to excuse me, but I have to go. Again, it was very nice to meet you,
Bella. You girls have fun tonight. I just nodded. A moment later, I heard the sound
of the front door closing.
I slowly made my way down the rest of the stairs. A beautiful woman with
caramel-colored hair, who had to be Alices mother, was standing in the middle of
the room. Her face softened when she saw me. Hi, Bella, Im Esme. A pause.
Youll have to forgive us, dear. My husband and I were having a... she hesitated,
slight difference of opinion. We didnt mean to make you feel uncomfortable.
You didnt, I assured her, feeling more than a little embarrassed. Im sorry; I
heard voices, and... I stopped, taking a deep breath. Actually, I was just on my
way to the kitchen to make some cookies. Alice said it was all right, but I could
just... My voice trailed off, and I lowered my eyes.
Please. Esme smiled. Go ahead. Ill be upstairs if you girls need me, but dont
worry, she winked at me, I wont bother you. You wont even notice Im
around. I smiled, feeling a little more at ease. It was obvious that Alices parents
were both warm and caring people, and I already liked them.
I entered the kitchen, and shook my head in astonishment, certain that our entire
house could fit inside that one room. For a moment, I doubted I would ever be able
to find what I needed in there. Was it possible to get lost in a kitchen? I had a
feeling I was about to find out.
About ten minutes later, I was feeling slightly more positive. As I was mixing the
ingredients for the cookie dough in a large, plastic bowl, I decided to try a little
harder to enjoy myself tonight. So, I wasnt all that into extreme makeovers and
comparing boobs. I still felt like I had more in common with Alice than any other
girl in school, and that had to count for something.

Although I had to admit, for a brief moment after she got her hands on that curling
iron, I found myself fearing for my life.
Lost in disturbing thoughts about burning hair and cookies, I didnt hear the door
open behind me. So when I turned around a few minutes later and saw Edward
standing silently in the doorway, I screamed bloody murder and practically jumped
through the roof. Holy crap! I gasped, grasping at my chest.
His eyes widened comically at my reaction. Then he tilted his head to the side,
watching me suspiciously. What the fuck are you doing?
What am I...? I stared at him before realizing that he was actually waiting for
some kind of response. So I held up the bowl in front of me as an explanation.
Cookies, I blurted out, blushing furiously as I remembered that I was still
wearing Alices bathrobe.
Edward stared at me like I had just grown a second head. Cookies? he repeated,
a doubtful expression on his face.
M-hm. I nodded, wishing the floor would just open up and swallow me. The
words were out of my mouth before I could stop myself, Wanna help?
I did not just say that out loud.
I didnt need any help; I needed to get my head examined. Because I was standing
in front of Edward Cullen, barefoot, in a purple bathrobe, with flour on my face.
Asking him to help me bake cookies, in his kitchen.
Oh, God, kill me now!

Chapter 6
EPOV
I had just parked the car in the driveway and was about to head inside when I ran
into Carlisle, who had just left the house and stepped out on the front porch. He
nodded at me when he spotted me.
Hello, Edward. I grunted in response, intending to step past him, but his voice
stopped me; Do you have a moment?

Holding back a sigh, I shrugged and gave him a questioning look. Whats up?
Well... He watched me closely for a moment, without a doubt trying to figure
out what mood I was in. Obviously deciding that I wouldnt bite his head off for
attempting to speak to me, he continued, I havent seen you in a while. I just
wondered how youre doing.
Fine, I responded automatically, raising my eyebrows expectantly. Was that
all? Can I go now?
He gave me a strained smile. Actually, I wanted to ask you something. As I just
looked at him, he went on, It involves your session with Dr. Clearwater
tomorrow. Esme and I were talking, and-
I interrupted him, What did I do?
Excuse me? Carlisle frowned.
What. Did. I. Do? I repeated through gritted teeth. Carlisle never brought up my
fucking sessions, and I wondered with a sinking feeling what had happened to
bring this on.
He immediately raised his hands in a calming gesture. You misunderstand,
Edward. You didnt do anything. In fact... He paused. You know, I was on my
way to the hospital, but I think they can do without me for an hour or so. Why
dont we continue this conversation inside?
I looked at him, blankly. Am I in trouble, or not?
Youre not in trouble, he assured me, watching me with a thoughtful expression.
But I believe-
Good. Then theres nothing to talk about. Wouldnt wanna keep your patients
waiting. I slipped past him and into the house before he got the chance to object.
Half expecting him to follow me back inside, I was relieved when I heard the
engine of his car coming to life a moment later.
I dropped my jacket on a chair and headed for the kitchen to make myself
something to eat, since I had deliberately missed dinner. However, I stopped dead
in my tracks in the doorway when I immediately spotted Bella, standing with her
back towards me, surrounded by bags of flour and sugar.
She was wearing a purple fucking bathrobe, and her long, brown hair was curly. I

stared at her, unable to look away. Hours could have passed, or just mere seconds,
I couldnt tell. Suddenly, she turned around, letting out a startled yelp as she saw
me. Holy crap! she shouted, her hand flying to her chest.
I felt a bit bad as I realized I had probably scared the crap out of her, but I quickly
covered up. What the fuck are you doing? I demanded, slowly stepping into the
room.
What am I...? Bella blushed, and I silently cursed myself for snapping like that.
For a moment, I feared that I would be guilty of making her cry for the second
time today. Then she held up a white, plastic bowl. Cookies, she explained, her
cheeks still red.
Cookies? I echoed, dumbfounded.
M-hm. She nodded, glancing down into the bowl before looking up again.
Wanna help? Her eyes widened, and I could see her practically cringe as she
realized what she had just said. For some reason, I found her obvious
embarrassment amusing. What the hell?!
What kind? It was now my turn to cringe. Please, tell me it wasnt me who said
that...
What? Bella stared at me, the confusion evident in her voice, and I almost
laughed at her shocked expression.
Almost. I wasnt stupid enough to make that mistake again.
What kind of cookies are you making? I clarified, then wondered if it was
possible to feel more like an idiot. Who the hell cared about the fucking cookies?
Why are you still talking to her? Just turn around and walk away, the voice inside
my head pleaded. Unfortunately, my feet refused to obey.
She kept staring at me for a moment, before she finally seemed to snap out of it,
and she cleared her throat. Um, chocolate chip? I stayed silent, my mouth
suddenly unable to form any kind of words. To my great horror, I realized that a
part of me actually wanted to say, yes, Ill help you, Ill do whatever you want.
Hey, I, uh... Bella lowered her eyes, obviously taking my silence as rejection,
and seemed eager to change the subject. Thank God. I got your note.
There I had my answer; it was possible to feel more like an idiot. You read it? I
mumbled, weakly. To tell the truth, I just wanted to crawl under the nearest rock

and stay there for the rest of my pathetic life.

Yeah. That was nice of you, thank you. I looked at her, unable to hide my
surprise at her words, and I saw how she bit her lip. It suddenly hit me that she
was clearly just as uncomfortable about all of this as I was, which I had to admit
made me feel slightly more relaxed around her.
Right. So... I searched my mind for something to say to her, which was totally
out of character for me. That asshole didnt hurt you too badly, did he? I finally
blurted out, and immediately wished I hadnt. Just thinking about Tyler Crowley
touching Bella made me furious. Yes, so I did care. Who was I kidding?
Oh, no, I... Bella swallowed, visibly, and I realized I was holding my breath.
Then she sighed. The thing is, I broke my arm a couple of months ago. Its still
kinda sore, so when he grabbed me... She shrugged, looking down at her feet.
I nodded in understanding. What happened?
I... She hesitated, and I watched in horror how all color suddenly drained from
her face.
What- whats wrong? I stuttered nervously, wishing more than ever that I had
just kept my mouth shut.
Bella inhaled, shakily, and let out a soft whimper. Headache, she managed to
choke out. I- I need my... Tears were streaming down her face and her hands
were trembling as she patted the pockets of the bathrobe. Dammit, she hissed, a
desperate note in her voice.
I just stared at her, helplessly, at a complete loss for what to do. That was when the
door swung open, and Rosalie entered the kitchen. Whats going on? she wanted
to know. Casting one look at Bellas tear-streaked face, she instantly turned her
accusing eyes to me. What the hell did you do?
Turning my attention away from Bella, I glared at Rosalie. Not that I should be
surprised that the fucking bitch would immediately blame me for the state Bella
was in, and I usually couldnt care less about what she thought of me, but that
didnt stop the fury from welling up inside me.
Like I would actually hurt Bella on purpose.
I opened my mouth, then closed it again, deciding that telling Emmetts girlfriend
to go fuck herself might not be the smartest thing to do at the moment. Then again,

it would most likely make me feel a lot better. Go to hell, bitch, I spat out before
I spun around and strode out of the room, slamming the door so hard behind me
that I realized it was going to leave a mark.
Fucking great! Another thing to add to the Things-To-Blame-On-Edward list.
*~*~*
BPOV
To say that I was surprised when Edward asked me about Tyler would be an
understatement. In fact, I was shocked that he was still here talking to me in the
first place. For some reason, he actually seemed concerned about me, which made
absolutely no sense to me. And yet, he had asked.
I swallowed; feeling like my head was spinning. He had asked, and I felt a need to
explain. The thing is, I broke my arm a couple of months ago. Its still kinda sore,
so when he grabbed me... My voice trailed off, and I lowered my eyes.
He doesnt wanna hear about this.
But then he asked me what happened. Dont ask me why, but I opened my mouth
without even thinking, about to spill the whole tragic story. For some reason, it
seemed like the most natural thing in the world; telling Edward about the events
that had taken place back in Phoenix before I came here.
Let her go, Bella, you need to let go! Bella!
I could suddenly hear Phils voice in my head, just as clear as had he been right
there in the kitchen with me. And then, without warning, the pain hit me with a
force that made me feel like my head would explode. For a moment, I was
convinced that I would either throw up, or pass out.
Edwards voice seemed to be miles away, but my mind still registered his
confusion; he wondered what was wrong with me. Headache, I gasped, my
voice cracking. I- I need my... That was when I realized that I had left my pills
upstairs, tucked away in the pocket of my jeans. Dammit! I all but sobbed, the
pain now so bad that tears started trickling down my cheeks.
Panic started welling up inside me, and I was barely aware of Rosalie entering the
room. My ears were ringing, and I didnt understand what she was saying.
Pressing my fingers against my temples and squeezing my eyes shut, I forced
myself to take a couple of deep breaths. Then I opened my eyes again, my vision

slightly blurry as I watched Edward storm out of the room.

I wasnt sure of what had just happened, but for the moment, I didnt care.
Thankfully, the nausea was fading, but my head was still pounding and I knew it
wasnt going to stop until the painkillers would get a chance to kick in. So I
pushed my way past Rosalie, ignoring her as she called out my name, and rushed
out of the kitchen and up the stairs, tripping over the threshold as I stumbled into
Alices room.
Bella?
Alice sounded startled, not that I could blame her, and I desperately waved my
hand at her, praying that she would take the hint and give me some space. She did,
and I almost cried in relief as I spotted my jeans on the bed. It didnt take me long
to find what I was looking for, and I quickly opened the small bottle, shaking out
two white pills into my hand, and gulped them both down without any water.
Then I slid down on the floor, panting. Hours seemed to pass, and when I finally
raised my head, I found myself looking into Alices worried eyes, realizing I had
some explaining to do. I opened my mouth, but Alice beat me to it. God, Bella,
what happened?!
Before I got the chance to respond, Rosalie spoke up from the doorway, Edward
did something to upset her.
Blinking in surprise, I just stared at her for a moment. That was when I heard Alice
take in a shaky breath. Oh, no! Bella...
Wait, what? I interrupted her, looking between the two in confusion. Then I
shook my head. No, thats not what happened. We were just talking, and-
Rosalie cut me off, her voice suddenly hard, I saw you, crying. You dont have to
defend him.
Obviously, I do. I looked into Rosalies eyes, holding her gaze. Rosalie, it
wasnt Edwards fault. God, why would you assume...? I stopped, turning to
Alice. Really, Alice, Im fine. Rosalie is wrong; what happened had nothing to do
with Edward. Seriously. The pain was finally starting to ease, much to my relief.
Alice looked relieved, but Rosalies eyes narrowed. It was obvious that she wasnt
used to people telling her off, and I could tell that she didnt like it. As she just
muttered something before quickly leaving the room, I sincerely hoped that I
hadnt just gotten myself an enemy.

The confusion on Alices face wasnt lost on me, and I let out a sigh. Look, Alice,
Im sorry. If you want me to leave-
No! Dont be silly; of course I dont want you to leave. Unless you want to? She
suddenly sounded uncertain. Are you okay now? What happened? Do you need
to go to the hospital?
I fought back a groan, still embarrassed. No. Absolutely not. I get these kinds of
headaches sometimes, but its not dangerous or anything. Im okay. Sorry for
scaring you like that.
Alice dropped to her knees next to me, looking pained. Bella, Im sorry. About
Rosalie, and She hesitated. Were you and Edward really talking? When I
nodded, her frown deepened. About what? She must have seen my confused
expression, because she hurried to add, Its just that, well, Edward doesnt
really... talk, to other people much. A pause. Or, at all.
I shrugged, feeling a little uncomfortable. We werent exactly having any deep
conversations... I just made a complete fool out of myself. Again.
She was quiet for a moment, and I could tell that she was thinking about
something. Then she glanced at me. You remember what I said about Edward and
Emmett not getting along? I nodded. Same goes for Edward and Rosalie.
No kidding? I nodded again. I figured as much.
Alice watched me thoughtfully before she went on, I told you Edwards not a bad
person, and hes not. Hes just... she looked away, been through a lot.
I wanted to ask her what she meant, but something held me back. So I just waited
for her to continue. Finally, she did; Like Emmett said; Edwards adopted. He
came to live with us when he was eleven. You know my dads a doctor? He works
at the hospital here in town.
Uh-huh. I wasnt sure where she was going with this. But I figured I was about
to find out.
For a moment, I almost thought I saw tears in Alices eyes, but I wasnt certain.
She swallowed. I once overheard Dad telling Mom that Edward was one of the
worst cases hed ever seen. And hes seen a lot.
What did he mean by that? A part of me didnt want to hear the answer.

Alice opened her mouth, but stopped herself as Rosalie chose that moment to reenter the room. I didnt know whether to be disappointed, or relieved. Because I
suddenly got the feeling that Alice had been about to tell me something I really
wouldnt want to hear.
Rosalie looked at Alice and me, still sitting on the floor. She hesitated a little
before slowly walking over to us and sat down as well, a few feet away. Are you
feeling better, Bella? I just nodded, not meeting her eyes. She sighed. I guess I
was jumping to conclusions before. Im sorry.
Okay, I didnt see that coming.
I gave her a weak smile. Thats okay. Did you apologize to Edward as well? I
wanted to ask, but decided against it. Besides, I had a feeling I already knew the
answer to that. Suddenly a thought occurred to me, and I jumped up. God, I
forgot about the cookies! I made a complete mess in the kitchen, Ill go-
Already taken care of. Dont worry about it. Rosalie waved her hand in
dismissal, and I just stared at her in shock. I thought for certain that I had pissed
her off, and she had gone back downstairs and cleaned up after me? Maybe I had
been wrong about her.
Alice jumped up as well, insisting it was time to watch a movie. It was obvious
that she was trying to lighten the mood, and for that I was grateful. We spent the
next couple of hours munching on various snacks and laughing hysterically at Ace
Ventura: Pet Detective, and I was having so much fun I almost forgot all about
Edward and my humiliating episode in the kitchen.
Almost. But not completely.
It wasnt until much later, when I was lying in the large, soft bed in the guestroom
and waiting for sleep to claim me, that my thoughts went back to the earlier events
of the evening. And once I started thinking about it, and him, I found myself
unable to stop.
Twisting and turning in the bed for what felt like hours without being able to find a
comfortable position, I finally gave up and swung my legs over the edge of the
bed. I clearly wouldnt fall asleep any time soon, so I figured I might as well get
up. Maybe I could find myself something to read to pass the time.
After a brief moments hesitation, I quietly left the room and headed for the stairs.

Chapter 7
EPOV
I was huddling in the corner of my room, biting the inside of my cheek to keep
from crying out as the blows kept hitting me. I knew he wanted to get a reaction
out of me, just so he would have a reason to keep punishing me. Finally he took a
step back, and I held my breath, not daring to hope it was already over.
Do you know why Im doing this? I looked up, shuddering at the dark
expression on James face. Was I suppose to answer? I could never be sure of what
he wanted from me; he kept changing the rules every time. Now he raised his fist
in a threatening manner, but didnt strike. Instead he just repeated his question,
calmly, like he was talking about the weather; Do you know why Im doing
this?
Right. Answering, then. I just nodded, then gasped as the fist hit me hard in the
face. James leaned closer, and I swallowed when I realized that the wall prevented
me from pulling away. His face turned smug. I want to hear you say it. Why am I
doing this?
I inhaled, shakily. Because Ive been bad.
Thats right. James looked pleased, a cruel smile playing on his lips. You have
been bad, so I have no choice but to punish you. I have to make sure you know
your place. Do you understand?
I nodded, then remembered what happened the last time I didnt give him the
answer he wanted. Yes.
Very good. James sounded almost friendly. In the next moment, the smile was
gone and his face cold as ice. Now, get up and move over to the bed.
My mouth went dry, and I felt a huge lump in my throat as I stared at him. Then I
shook my head, pleadingly. No
James eyes narrowed, dangerously. What did you just say?
Swallowing, I forced myself to look him right in the eyes. No. Please, I dont
want- Another blow caused my head to snap back and hit the wall behind me,
and a wave of dizziness came over me. Although my vision had become slightly

blurred, I could still see the furious expression on my stepfathers face.

You dont get to speak unless I say so, is that clear?! He didnt bother to wait
for an answer as he went on; I said, get over to the bed. Suddenly the man
looked over his shoulder, speaking quietly to someone in the doorway; Go back
downstairs, Elizabeth. Ill be there as soon as Im finished here.
I looked up, silently begging my mother to stay. I knew she had to be aware of
what her husband was doing almost every night, before he went to bed with her. A
part of me wished that she would be oblivious; her knowing only made me feel
worse. Because it proved that what James said was true; I did deserve this.
Otherwise, my mother would never allow it. I closed my eyes for a moment, not
wanting to watch her turn around and leave. When I opened my eyes again, the
doorway was empty.
I woke with a start, gasping as I sat up straight in the bed, my eyes darting wildly
around the room. It took a couple of minutes for my brain to register that I was
safe, that it had just been a bad dream. For a moment, I had been back in my room
in Chicago, reliving my worst nightmare all over again.
Over the years, I had gotten used to the nightmares haunting me almost every
night, but that didnt make it any easier. Angrily wiping at my face, I waited for
my heart to slow down and to go back to beating like normal. Then I got up on
wobbly legs and slowly made my way over to the door, listening closely for any
sign of life on the other side.
But, much to my relief, the house was seemingly quiet. Sometimes when I got
downstairs in the morning, Carlisle used to look at me with a sympathetic
expression on his face, and I knew he must have heard me, moaning and trashing
in bed during the night.
I fucking hated when he looked at me like that.
Knowing from experience that I wouldnt get any more sleep tonight, I quietly
opened the door, hesitated in the doorway to listen again, before finally hurrying
across the hallway and down the stairs. Once I got down, I slumped down on the
couch in the living room, and let out the breath I had been holding.
I found the remote to the TV, turned it on, and immediately switched it to mute.
Then I tried to force myself to focus on some bad horror movie (I had never seen it
before and was unfamiliar with the title), anything to keep my mind from
wandering.

Suddenly I heard a noise, and instantly tensed up. Bella was standing at the bottom
of the stairs, her eyes wide, and judging by the look on her face, she was just as
startled by my presence as I had been by hers. She took a hesitant step forward,
then stopped, obviously not sure of what to do.
Woke you, did I? I muttered, too embarrassed to even try to cover up the
hostility in my voice.
She sounded surprised when she responded, her voice trembling slightly, No, I...
Her hand gripped at the railing of the stairs. I just couldnt sleep, so I thought...
She lowered her eyes to the floor. Never mind, Ill just head back upstairs. I
didnt mean to bother you.
For some reason, her words made me panic, and I realized that I didnt want her to
leave. I noted with relief that she seemed to have recovered from whatever it was
that had caused her to freak out before. Its okay, I mumbled, praying that she
wouldnt hear the desperation in my voice. I cant sleep, either. You can stay if
you want.
Clearly, the nightmare must have damaged my brain.
Um, okay. Thanks. Bella sounded a little uncertain, but slowly walked over to
the couch and sat down, after a brief moments hesitation, thankfully as far away
from me as possible. She glanced at me when I didnt make any immediate
attempt to start a conversation. So, what are you watching?
Huh? I frowned, then turned my attention to the TV screen. A blonde, hysterical
bimbo was being chased by a tall fucker wearing a hockey mask and carrying an
axe. I shrugged. Not a fucking clue.
Bella nodded in acceptance, then took a deep breath. Listen, Im sorry about what
happened before.
Forgetting to be on my guard, I turned to give her an incredulous look. What?
She blushed, and I could tell that she was having a hard time getting the words out.
I could relate to that. Earlier, in the kitchen. When I... Her voice trailed off, and
she didnt finish the sentence. She didnt have to, though, I knew what she was
referring to. But what I didnt understand was why she was apologizing.
What the hell are you sorry for? The words were out of my mouth before I
realized I had spoken, and my voice was only slightly softer as I went on, Look,
Im not quite sure what I did, but-

No. Bella cut me off, nervously wringing her hands. Whatever Rosalie may
have said, it wasnt your fault. I just... She swallowed. I get really bad headaches
sometimes. Its... The doctors cant seem to find any physical explanation, so I
guess... A strange sound escaped her, and I couldnt tell whether it was a laugh or
a sob. I guess its all in my head. Literally. She rolled her eyes.
I sighed. You dont have to tell me this. Its none of my fucking business.
Its okay, I dont... She stopped herself, quickly averting her eyes. I mean, you
probably dont wanna hear about my petty problems. Forget I said anything.
And I was back to feeling like a jerk. Why couldnt I just do something right for a
change?
You can tell me if you want, I heard myself say. I dont mind. And I realized
that I actually meant it. Although I had to admit, my motives werent completely
selfless. I had come to find that listening to Bellas voice provided a much
welcoming distraction from my own petty problems.
Bella was quiet for a moment. Are you sure? I just nodded, suddenly not trusting
my voice. She watched me, obviously trying to decide whether or not I was being
sincere. Then she nodded as well, and I figured I must have passed the test. All
right. I used to live in Phoenix, with my mom and her husband.
How come you moved to Forks? I asked.
I knew I should just let her tell me the story at her own pace, but I couldnt help
myself; I was curious. And, to be honest, I wanted our conversation to last as long
as possible. It was a strange feeling, seeing how I never enjoyed talking to other
people. But, for some reason, I was starting to wonder if Bella may be different
than most people. Somehow, I got the feeling she was.
I just didnt know if that was a good thing or not.
*~*~*
BPOV
When I saw Edward sitting on the couch, my instinct told me to turn around and
run back upstairs. But I hesitated. As much as I was still beyond embarrassed
about what happened in the kitchen, a part of me couldnt stand the thought of him
actually believing Rosalie and think he had anything to do with my breakdown.

And then he told me I could stay. Although he sounded nonchalant enough, like he
didnt really care, there was something in his voice that made me suspect
otherwise. As I took a closer look at his face, the feeling became even stronger. He
was paler than usual, with dark circles under his eyes, and I realized he hadnt
been joking when he told me he couldnt sleep.
He looked as if he hadnt slept for a week.
My thoughts went back to Alice, and her words about Edward not being a bad
person. She didnt say it out loud, but I wasnt stupid. Something must have
happened to him, something bad, and that was why he had come to live with the
Cullens when he was eleven years old. That was six years ago, and he obviously
still didnt trust other people enough to let them into his life.
I once overheard Dad telling Mom that Edward was one of the worst cases hed
ever seen. And hes seen a lot.
I still couldnt be sure about the exact meaning behind those words, but I had my
suspicions, and it made me feel sick to my stomach. Someone must have hurt him,
badly, otherwise Edward wouldnt have ended up at the hospital with Carlisle. No,
the question wasnt whether or not he had been hurt in the past; the question was
how.
And a part of me was terrified of finding out.
As I hesitantly made my way over to the couch and sat down, making sure to put
some distance between Edward and me, I waited for him to say something more.
But he remained quiet, absently looking straight ahead, and I suddenly couldnt
take the silence any longer. So I blurted out the first thing that came to my mind,
So, what are you watching?
Huh? Edward looked confused for a moment, then turned to look at the TV.
Finally he shrugged. Not a fucking clue, he admitted.
Okay, gotta find something else to talk about, then. Think, Bella!
I desperately searched my mind, but came up with nothing. So I took a deep
breath. Listen, Im sorry about what happened before.
That got his attention. He stared at me. What?
Great! He was going to make me say it. I could feel my cheeks turning red.

Earlier, in the kitchen. When I... I lowered my eyes.

What the hell are you sorry for? He sounded angry, and I swallowed. Then he
continued, his voice a little calmer, but still cold, Look, Im not quite sure what I
did, but-
That was when I interrupted him and told him the truth; that what happened didnt
have anything to do with him. When he spoke again, I realized I must have been
babbling, because he sounded bored. You dont have to tell me this. Its none of
my fucking business.
Of course he wouldnt want to listen to my sob story. I felt the tears burning
behind my eyelids. Edward must have seen the hurt look on my face, because his
voice softened and he hurried to add, You can tell me if you want. I dont mind.
I really didnt need any pity from him, and I was just about to tell him so, when I
realized that he was actually making an effort here. According to Alice, Edward
didnt talk to other people. But here he was, offering to listen. Pity or not, how
could I possibly turn him down?
So, I opened my mouth, and started, All right. I used to live in Phoenix, with my
mom and her husband.
How come you moved to Forks? he asked. It sounded like he actually wanted to
know.
And just like before, telling Edward about what happened felt completely natural.
I only prayed that the effect of the painkillers hadnt worn off; the last thing I
wanted was for Edward to have to witness another one of my crazy episodes.
Well, I began, tentatively. Something happened, and I just couldnt stay.
Edward didnt say anything, just waited for me to go on. I sighed. My mom. She
died. There; Id said it. No blinding pain, at least not so far.
Oh. Edward sounded a little uncomfortable, like he didnt know what to say. I
could feel his eyes on me as he was trying to find the words. Im sorry.
Thanks. I shrugged. This was the reaction I normally got when I told people
about my mom. Awkwardness and forced sympathy. I wasnt sure which one I
disliked the most. Taking an unsteady breath, I continued, When I got home from
school one day, there was an ambulance in the driveway. I rushed inside...
I flew through the front door, unable to keep the panic out of my voice, Mom!

Phil! Where are you? Whats with the ambulance?!

Bella? Phils ragged voice, coming from the living room. Dont come in here,
Bella, stay where you are!
Of course, I ignored his words and barged into the room. I would spend the rest of
my life wishing I had just listened to him. Because the sight that met me would
haunt me forever.
Two paramedics were crouching over my mothers lifeless body. One of them stood
up, and walked over to a stretcher. I turned towards Phil, staring at him with my
mouth hanging open in shock. He looked at me, and I could see traces of tears on
his face.
I heard a strange sound, and turned back to the paramedic by the stretcher. He
had just rolled out a large, black body bag.
A whimper escaped my throat. Mom?
My bottom lip was trembling when I had finished talking, but my eyes were dry. I
wouldnt,couldnt, cry in front of Edward Cullen again. When I finally dared to
throw a look in his direction, I noticed that he had scooted closer to me on the
couch. His left hand was hovering above my arm, like he had been about to offer
me some comfort.
Then I could see him tense up, and he quickly pulled back his hand. Suddenly I
wanted to weep more than ever. I couldnt explain why I felt this way, but all of
the sudden, it was like my entire body was aching for him to touch me, whether he
was pitying me or not. I couldnt let him know what I was thinking, though, so I
took a deep breath and silently counted to ten, avoiding to look at him again.
I got the disturbing feeling that if he looked into my eyes, he would see directly
into my soul. And I doubted neither of us would be ready for that.
Um, Bella? I froze at the sound of Edwards voice, having not expected him to
speak. Glancing at him, I gave him a questioning look, silently giving him
permission to go on. He hesitated for a moment. What happened to your arm?
I grimaced, but figured that since I had already revealed this much, I might as well
tell him the rest. It was Phil. My stepdad. He... My voice trailed off as I heard
Edward let out a soft gasp. I looked at him, and saw that he was staring at me in
horror. His already pale face was now white as a sheet.

Edward? His reaction was making me more than a little anxious, and I couldnt
help but shiver. He looked as if he had just seen a ghost. I gulped, nervously.
Whats wrong?
But he wasnt looking at me anymore. In fact, I suspected he was no longer aware
of my presence at all. His eyes were squeezed shut and he was clenching his fists,
mumbling something over and over again as he kept shaking his head. I leaned a
little closer, and finally managed to make out the words; God, not her, too. Not
her, not her, not her...

Chapter 8
BPOV
Edward? I instinctively reached out towards him, intending to give his arm a
little shake, because by now, the haunted expression on his face was scaring the
hell out of me. Edward, what...?
The moment my fingers made contact with his skin, he snapped out of it and
pulled away from me so abruptly that I nearly fell off the couch. Dont! he
hissed, a warning note in his voice.
I swallowed hard, both confused and hurt by his reaction. Dont what? My voice
was barely more than a whisper as I was trying to figure out what I had done to
upset him.
He glared at me, and I felt myself shrinking back into the couch. Dont fucking
touch me! There was something more than just anger behind his words, and for a
moment, I thought I recognized a hint of pure fear in his voice. Dont touch me,
he repeated, and I noticed that his hands were shaking, badly.
I quickly shook my head in agreement and raised my hands, staring at him with
wide eyes. Im not gonna touch you.
Watching me intently, as if to decide whether or not I meant it, he finally seemed
to relax a little. Then he nodded in understanding, and I could see how he
struggled to get his emotions under control. It nearly broke my heart. Are... are
you okay? I whispered, still not understanding what had just happened.
He ignored my question. For a couple of minutes, we both just sat there in silence,
until Edward finally spoke up, quietly, What did he do?

I just looked at him, blankly, having no idea what he was talking about. For a
moment, I felt like my head was spinning. Who? I managed to ask in a small
voice, not able to hide my confusion.
Your stepdad. I could tell he was becoming frustrated by the way he briefly
closed his eyes, and his fingers gripped at the edge of the couch. What the fuck
did he do to you?
Phil? I desperately tried to remember what we had been talking about before he
freaked out. Then I recalled telling Edward about my mom, and he had asked me
what happened to my... Oh, right, I mumbled, taking a deep breath as I tried to
gather my thoughts. A part of me just wanted to demand for him to explain his
behavior.
However, I quickly decided against it. Right now, Edward was still here, talking to
me. But I was pretty certain that if I pushed him in any way at the moment, I
would drive him over the edge; he would run away and never speak to me again.
And the mere thought scared me more than I was ready to admit.
So I slumped back against the cushions, reluctantly accepting the fact that the only
way we were having a conversation right now would be on his terms. I bit my lip.
I wouldnt let them take her away, I finally admitted, softly. Glancing at Edward,
I noticed his confusion, so I clarified, My mom. The paramedics were going to
put her in that... thing, and take her away. And I just panicked.
Let her go, Bella, you need to let go! Bella!
Phil was trying to coax me away from my mothers cold and unresponsive body,
but I let out a cry of anguish as he gently put his hand on my arm. No! I wailed,
flinching away from him and clinging desperately to my mom. Phil hesitated for a
moment, clearly at a loss for what to do.
Miss Swan? One of the paramedics was trying to catch my attention, but I
wouldnt listen. He was one of the bad guys; he wanted to take my mom away from
me. Coherent thoughts were no longer running through my head, and I cried out
again as Phil struggled to pry my fingers away from my mothers stiff shoulders.
Bella, please... Phil was pleading with me, his voice thick. I know how you
feel, sweetheart, but please, dont make this any harder. Shes gone...
I stubbornly shook my head, not caring if I was making a scene. That was when
his words registered in my brain; my mother was gone. I froze dead in my tracks

and tears started spilling down my cheeks. In that moment, Phil tugged forcefully
at my arm, having not realized that I had stopped resisting, and I let out a gasp as
I lost my balance and fell, landing hard on the floor with my left arm underneath
me.
Bella? Oh, God, Bella, Im so sorry! Are you okay? I didnt mean-
I cradled my broken arm against my chest, sobbing hysterically, although I barely
felt any pain at the moment. Dont touch me, Phil! Let me go to my mom! He
held on to me, and I struggled to break free. Mom! Mom!
I glanced at Edward, quickly brushing away a single tear from my face. It was an
accident. Phil would never hurt me deliberately.
Oh. He was silent for a moment, and I wished I knew what he was thinking.
It turned out she had an aneurysm, I went on, even though Edward hadnt asked.
A blood vessel popped, and she just collapsed. Phil was right there next to her,
but it was already too late; there was nothing he could do. I dont... I swallowed.
I dont think she felt any pain. It happened really fast.
Yeah, Im sure youre right. Edward quickly looked away, although I could see
the shame written all over his face. Im sorry, he mumbled. I didnt mean to
make you remember-
I cut him off, unable to keep from letting out a bitter laugh. Youre kidding, right?
As if I could forget. As if I dont see her lifeless face all over again, every time I
close my eyes. I realized that I was raising my voice, but I didnt care. Do you
have any idea what its like, being unable to escape from your memories?
Edward just looked at me with an unreadable expression on his face. Finally he
spoke up, so softly I could barely hear him, Yeah, I do.
I waited for him to continue; give me some kind of explanation, but he didnt, and
I felt frustration well up inside me. What are you talking about?
He opened his mouth, then closed it again, shaking his head. Never mind.
Somehow sensing that I was about to object, he hurried on, almost pleadingly,
Just let it go, Bella.
I didnt want to let it go; I just wanted him to open up to me, like I had opened up
to him. But at the same time, I realized that it wouldnt be that easy. If I ever
wanted Edward to really talk to me, I had to find a way to earn his trust.

And that was the moment when I made my decision. No matter what it took, I was
going to get Edward Cullen to trust me.
*~*~*
EPOV
When I asked Bella what happened to her arm and she mentioned her stepfather, I
just lost it. I was vaguely aware of her still talking to me, but I couldnt make out a
word she was saying. Because all I could hear was a desperate voice, sounding
suspiciously like my own, screaming over and over again in my mind, Not her!
The idea of this sweet, innocent girl suffering, the mere thought of someone
hurting her in any way, made my stomach turn. In that moment, I wanted to find
that man, hunt him down and tear him apart with my bare hands for causing her
pain. In that moment, my own pain and suffering meant absolutely nothing.
And then she touched me.
Panic welled up inside me and I scrambled away from her. Dont! I growled,
horrified when I heard my voice crack. All of the sudden, my entire body was
shaking.
Bella stared at me with wide eyes. Dont what? she whispered.
Dont fucking touch me! I could feel tears of humiliation burning in my eyes.
Dont touch me, I repeated, disgusted with myself for falling apart like this.
She kept watching me as she shook her head, slowly holding up her hands. Im
not gonna touch you. And that was it; no questions that I wouldnt be able to
answer, no demanding for an explanation that I couldnt give her.
And more importantly; she didnt leave. She didnt run away screaming, she just
remained where she was. Finally she asked, quietly, if I was okay. And I couldnt
bring myself to answer, fearing that if I as much as opened my mouth, I would
start blubbering like a girl. So I stayed silent, focusing on just breathing calmly, in
and out.
For a couple of minutes, neither of us said anything. Finally I spoke up, praying
that my voice wouldnt fail me again, What did he do?

Bella frowned. Who?

Her obvious confusion made me annoyed, although more at myself for being the
reason behind it. Your stepdad, I explained as calmly as I could. What the fuck
did he do to you?
Phil? I got the feeling that she had completely forgotten our conversation, and
decided that I couldnt really blame her. Finally something clicked. Oh, right.
Bella was quiet for a moment. Then she bit her lip. I wouldnt let them take her
away. At my blank expression, she went on explaining, My mom. The
paramedics were going to put her in that... thing, and take her away. And I just
panicked.
I sat in silence and listened as Bella told me the story about how her stepfather
desperately tried to pull her off her mothers dead body, and how he accidentally
caused her to fall down and break her arm. When she had finished talking, a tear
rolled down her cheek, and I felt a pang in my chest.
At the same time, I nearly wept with relief when I realized that I had been wrong;
Bellas stepfather obviously wasnt anything like James. She had suffered great
pain losing her mother, no question about that, but at least she hadnt been abused.
Thank God for small favors!
Then I started feeling beyond guilty for making her relive her loss, making her feel
like she owed me some kind of explanation. Im sorry, I whispered, hoarsely. I
didnt mean to make you remember-
Youre kidding, right? Bella interrupted me, exasperated. As if I could forget.
As if I dont see her lifeless face all over again, every time I close my eyes. A
pause. Do you have any idea what its like, being unable to escape from your
memories?
I just stared at her, for a moment certain that my heart had stopped beating. Yeah,
I do, I finally admitted, so quietly that I didnt think she had heard me. I was
wrong.
What are you talking about? she wanted to know, her voice almost pleading.
Opening my mouth without even thinking, I stopped myself before I could reveal
something that I would without doubt come to regret later. Never mind, I
muttered, shaking my head. Afraid that she would keep pushing, I quickly added,
Just let it go, Bella, silently praying against hope that, by some miracle, she
would just respect my wishes.

For the longest time, she just watched me in silence, and I was starting to feel
really uncomfortable. I would tell Bella to back the hell off if I had to, but to tell
the truth, I didnt like the thought of snapping at her again. Normally, I didnt give
a damn if I hurt anyones feelings. In fact, I usually made an effort to act like a
jerk, just to keep other people away from me.
Then came Bella Swan, and my whole world got turned upside-down.
Bella - with her soft voice and her kind, chocolate brown eyes. I liked how her
cheeks turned into an interesting shade of pink whenever she got embarrassed.
And I wanted to reach out and run my fingers through her long, brown curls,
feeling the sensation of her hair against my skin.
And it scared me half to death.
A week ago, I wasnt even aware of this girls existence. And here we were now,
sitting on the couch in my living room, in the middle of the night. Talking.
When I was around Bella, I felt - for lack of a better word - a connection of some
kind. I couldnt explain it and I sure as hell didnt understand it, but I felt it,
nevertheless. A part of me wanted to ask Bella if she felt it as well, but I was too
much of a coward.
Besides, she wasnt emotionally retarded, like me. I had no idea how to even begin
to put my confused and screwed up feelings into words.
My original plan had been to avoid Bella at all costs; to stay as far away from her
as possible. And on some level, I still just wanted to run. Protect myself the only
way I could; by pushing the rest of the world away and simply stay in my own
safe little bubble, where no one could reach me and I wouldnt risk getting hurt
again.
So why was I here? Bella had already managed to break down some of my walls,
and it absolutely terrified me. I had only known her for a few days, and I couldnt
deny that I already felt a strange need to protect her, to make sure she was safe.
Which was pretty damn ironic, since I couldnt even save myself.
Having been lost in my thoughts, I nearly jumped when Bella suddenly spoke.
Can I ask you something?
Tensing up for a moment, I gave her a suspicious look. I had no idea what she

wanted to ask me, and I feared once again that she was looking for answers that I
didnt want to give her. So I just shrugged, eying her warily as I waited for her to
go on.
She worried her bottom lip between her teeth. Earlier today, at school. Why were
you laughing at me?
My eyes widened in surprise; that was definitely not what I had been expecting.
But then it hit me that she was obviously still feeling a bit hurt, and I realized that
I probably owed her an explanation of some kind.
I sighed. I wasnt laughing at you, just at the situation. She looked confused. I
lowered my eyes, suddenly embarrassed. I was about to come to your rescue;
kick the bastards ass or something. But it turned out to be unnecessary; you could
obviously take care of yourself.
Bella stared at me in astonishment. You were gonna help me? I shrugged again,
refusing to meet her eyes. Then I heard how she let out a soft giggle, and my head
shot up. Both hurt and embarrassed by her reaction, I glared at her. She
immediately became serious. Sorry. Its just that, well, I usually dont see myself
as the damsel-in-distress type of girl.
I couldnt help but snort. Dont be offended, but from what Ive seen so far, you
seem to be the type of person who attracts accidents like a magnet. It was true;
more than once, I had watched her stumble over her own feet. Bella didnt look
offended. Instead she gave me a curious look, and I found myself wishing I hadnt
said anything.
The last thing I wanted was for Bella to think I was keeping tabs on her or
anything.
That was when she smiled, and I found another thing to add to the list of things I
already liked about her. She had the most beautiful smile I had ever seen, not that I
normally paid any attention to stuff like that.
Christ, what was this girl doing to me?
Guess Ive always been a bit of a klutz, she admitted. My mom used to say...
She stopped, and her smile faded. For a brief moment, I feared that she would start
crying again. I didnt think I could handle any more fucking tears; I felt a
desperate need to comfort her, and I didnt know how.
In that moment, the front door opened and Carlisle stepped inside. To tell the truth,

a part of me was grateful for the distraction.

Hello again, Bella. Edward. Carlisles eyes darted between the two of us, and I
didnt miss the look of surprise on his face. I could see the curiosity in his eyes,
and forced back a sigh. Not that I could really blame him; although there was
enough of a distance between me and Bella to make room for another person, she
was sitting way closer to me than I usually found acceptable.
Bella smiled, somewhat shyly. Carlisle gave me a questioning look, and I was
suddenly feeling awkward by his attention. So I jumped up from the couch, so fast
that I probably startled Bella. Going out for a smoke, I mumbled, heading for
the door.
I heard Bella clear her throat before she spoke, quietly, I should probably go back
upstairs. A pause. Good night.
Good night, Bella, Carlisle said in a soft voice. I remained silent, but stopped in
the doorway, hesitating for a moment.
Dont look back. Just walk out the door.
I put my hand on the door knob. Then, unable to stop myself, I threw a brief look
over my shoulder. Bella was already halfway up the stairs. That was when she
turned her head, slowly, and our eyes met. She blushed, but didnt look away.
Neither did I. For some reason, time seemed to be standing still as we just kept
looking at each other.
I never noticed when Carlisle excused himself and left the room.
Then she gave me a hesitant half smile, waved, and practically ran up the rest of
the stairs. For almost a minute, I remained where I was, frozen, just staring at the
empty spot where Bella had been standing a moment ago. Then I finally snapped
out of it, opened the door, and slipped outside.

Chapter 9
BPOV
Despite the fact that I hadnt gotten more than a few hours of sleep during the
night, I woke up bright and early, feeling perfectly rested. Or maybe restless was

a better way of putting it, since my whole body seemed to itch to get out of bed.
So, I left the room after taking a quick shower - yes, the guest room had its own
bathroom - and headed down the stairs to see if I could help with the breakfast.
To my surprise, I found the kitchen to be completely empty. In fact, the entire
house was eerily quiet, and I cast a look at my watch. Almost seven-thirty, and it
was Saturday. Well, that explained it. I guess I must have gotten used to waking up
early since I moved to Forks, seeing how Charlie was always up and out of the
house before seven.
I sighed, and made my way over to the coffee maker. As soon as the coffee was
brewing, my stomach growled, and I hesitantly opened the huge fridge. Last night
- after the whole cookie fiasco - Alice had told me to help myself in the kitchen
whenever I wanted, but I still didnt feel comfortable eating other peoples food
when they were not around.
Then again, I was starving. And the fridge was so stuffed with food, it made my
mouth salivate.
After a brief moment of hesitation, I grabbed a carton of eggs, a packet of sliced
ham, and some cheese, deciding to make an omelette big enough to feed the rest of
the people in the house as well, whenever they would decide to wake up. That way
I wouldnt have to feel guilty about eating their food by myself.
Quickly throwing the ingredients together, I soon had the omelette cooking, in the
largest frying pan I had ever seen. It didnt take long before I heard the sound of
footsteps, and the door to the kitchen swung open. Alices brother, Emmett, was
standing in the doorway with a hopeful expression. Do I smell food?
I smiled, a little nervously. Um, yeah. I couldnt sleep, so I decided to... My eyes
went to the mess I had created - I had yet to throw away the egg shells, and some
of the cheese had accidentally missed the pan and ended up on the floor - and I
grimaced as I finished with a sheepish look on my face, ...violate your kitchen.
Sorry.
Emmett threw his head back and let out a booming laugh. Dont worry about it. I
assure you, it usually looks a lot worse in here when Alice has been around. He
winked at me, and I couldnt help but giggle. Then he raised an eyebrow, suddenly
serious. You did make enough of that stuff for me, right? Because it smells
fucking delicious.
I nodded, trying my best not to laugh as I took the pan off the stove and put it
down on the kitchen sink. Absolutely. Just dig in. The relief on his face was

impossible to miss, and I shook my head in amusement. Emmett had just helped
himself to a plate full of food - possibly enough to feed a small country - when the
door opened again, and Edward sauntered into the kitchen.
He froze briefly when he spotted me, but quickly covered up and walked past me
without a word. I swallowed. Um, good morning? Edward merely grunted
something, and went straight for the coffee. I took a deep breath. Theres
omelette. I paused, forcing a smile. Unless Emmett ate it all.
Finally turning towards me, Edward just looked at me for a moment, his
expression unreadable. Then he opened his mouth, as if to say something, but
Emmett beat him to it, Dont bother, Bella. You wont get any conversation out of
him. So, unless youre looking to be insulted, I wouldnt waste my time.
Edwards eyes darkened, and he glared at Emmett. Fuck off, he then muttered,
angrily, before turning his attention back to the coffee.
See what I mean? Emmett glanced at me, a mocking note in his voice as he
continued, If youre gonna keep hanging with this family, Bella, you should know
that some people, I could see how Edward clenched his fists, are simply not
worth the effort.
I frowned. All of the sudden, I felt like I was seeing a whole new side of Emmett,
and I didnt like it. For some reason, it almost seemed like he was trying to
provoke Edward, trying to pick a fight. Luckily, Edward wasnt taking the bait.
Yet, I thought with an uneasy feeling in my stomach.
Determined to show Emmett were I was standing; that I didnt encourage this kind
of immature behavior, I ignored his crude words and turned back to Edward,
giving him a questioning look. Omelette?
The look of surprise on both of their faces would probably have made me laugh,
had I not been so annoyed. Just who did Emmett think he was? So what if he and
Edward didnt get along? First Rosalie, and now Emmett? I suddenly realized that
I couldnt blame Edward for being hostile and keeping to himself, when most
people seemed to be treating him like crap.
I wasnt sure what I had been expecting, but I just barely managed to hide the
relief and happiness from showing when Edward - after a moments hesitation not only accepted the plate I was holding out to him, but also mumbled a thank
you. Then he slumped down on a chair and started shoving food into his mouth,
ignoring Emmett completely.

And Emmett, having the decency to look a little ashamed, clearly decided to stay
silent and continue eating as well.
An awkward silence filled the room, and - in a desperate attempt to keep myself
busy - I grabbed a clean glass from the dish stand and went over to the fridge to
pour myself some orange juice. Then I made the mistake of looking up, and
noticed how Edward was watching me closely, like he was trying to read my mind.
Suddenly my palms became sweaty, and I felt like I had a hard time breathing.
Before I knew what happened, the glass slipped out of my hand and shattered
against the floor. I silently cursed my clumsiness, immediately dropping to my
knees and quickly tried to gather the broken pieces, beyond embarrassed. I heard
two chairs simultaneously being pulled out.
Its just a glass, Bella. We have about a thousand of them. Nothing to worry
about, Emmett hurried to assure me.
Blushing furiously, I wondered again why I had to be such a klutz. Im really
sorry.
I got it. Edward was suddenly kneeling on the floor next to me, reaching for a
piece of glass, and my heart skipped a beat.
No, its okay; it was my fault, Ill just... I was babbling, but didnt seem able to
stop myself. That was when our fingers accidentally brushed against each other,
and - while Edward immediately pulled back, like he had been burned by acid - I
let out a gasp, feeling like I had just gotten hit by an electrical shock. I stared
down at my fingers, half expecting to see sparks.
My eyes shot up to meet his, and for a moment - just like last night - we just stared
at each other like hypnotized. I finally snapped out of the daze when I felt a sharp
prick in my index finger, my eyes widening as I realized I had just cut myself on
the broken glass.
I could smell the blood almost before I could see it. My mom had always insisted
that people didnt have the ability to smell blood, but either she had been wrong,
or I had been a vampire in a past life, because I could swear I wasnt imagining the
sickening smell of rust and salt, filling my mind whenever I got hurt.
Unfortunately, this time was no exception.
A wave of dizziness came over me, and I could feel cold sweat break out on my
forehead. The nausea welled up inside me, and my vision became foggy. I thought

I heard someone saying my name, but I didnt recognize the voice. In that
moment, everything was a blur.
And then, everything went black.
*~*~*
EPOV
When I got downstairs the next morning, and once again found Bella in the
kitchen, I had no idea how to act around her. We had shared something last night,
of that I was certain, but I wasnt sure what. I was confused, to put it mildly, and
the fact that Emmett was already there - talking to her through a mouthful of food
- didnt exactly help.
What the fuck were they talking about? And why was she smiling at him like that?
But then she turned her attention away from Emmett, and started talking to me. Of
course, I didnt get the chance to say anything before Emmett had to open his
fucking mouth. Normally, I would have come up with some sarcastic remark, but I
merely threw a fuck off at him and focused on my coffee.
Emmett wouldnt give up, though, and I found it harder and harder to control my
temper. That was when I noticed the expression on Bellas face; she clearly wasnt
impressed by Emmetts stupid ass comments about me. If anything, she seemed
upset by the whole thing.
In fact, Bella made a show of simply ignoring Emmett, and instead walked over to
the kitchen counter. A moment later, she offered me a plate of food. Omelette?
I was pretty sure she didnt miss the stunned look on my face, but I just couldnt
help myself. However, I quickly covered up my surprise at her gesture, and only
hesitated for a few seconds before I moved to take the plate from her, making sure
our fingers wouldnt touch. Thank you, I mumbled, before I made my way over
to the kitchen table and sat down, as far away from Emmett as possible.
As I ate in silence, I was vaguely aware of Bella getting up and moving towards
the fridge. I tried to keep focusing on my food, but I finally couldnt take it
anymore, so I put my fork down and turned my attention to Bella.
What was it about her that made me react like this? What made her so different
from everyone else? Suddenly I noticed that she was staring at me, and silently

cursed myself for forgetting to be discreet in my observation. Emmett just kept

eating, oblivious to our silent interaction, and for that I was grateful.
That was when Bella dropped the glass she was holding, and it scattered in a
million pieces. Emmett and I jumped up at the same time, while Bellas cheeks
turned bright red and she stuttered an apology. Before I even realized I had moved,
I was already next to her. I got it.
She started babbling, nervously, No, its okay; it was my fault, Ill just... As we
both reached for the same piece of glass, Bellas hand brushed against mine, and I
instantly pulled back, although I had to admit it was more out of habit than
anything else.
My mind was a bit occupied at the moment, so it wasnt until later that I would
reflect on the fact that someone had just touched me, and I didnt feel completely
overwhelmed by repulsion.
Our eyes met, and we just stared at each other, neither of us able to look away.
Then everything happened really fast. Bella gasped, softly, and I saw that she had
accidentally cut herself. I was about to ask if she was okay, when her eyes widened
in alarm and her face turned slightly green. The next thing I knew, her body
swayed, dangerously, and her eyes rolled back into her head.
Bella? I didnt have time to think as I caught her limp body in my arms, the
second before she would have hit the floor. Reaching out a trembling hand towards
her pale face, I then tensed up and pulled back, suddenly getting the irrational
feeling that if I touched her, she might break. Because Bella had never looked
more fragile to me than she did in that moment.
It scared the fuck out of me.
Emmett was suddenly crouching next to me and Bella, his eyes wide in disbelief.
Did she just... faint? I ignored him as I kept staring helplessly at Bella, at a loss
for what to do. He went on, the doubt evident in his voice, I thought chicks only
did that in movies. He started to sound a little nervous.
Finally I managed to snap out of it. Gently lowering Bella to the floor, I then
turned to holler over my shoulder, Carlisle!
It felt like hours passed, but in reality, it couldnt have been more than ten seconds
before I heard the clomping sound of feet, running down the stairs, and Carlisle
barged through the door, followed by Esme. Edward? He sounded worried.
What...? Then he noticed Bella on the floor, with me and Emmett hovering

above her. What happened? He hurried over to us.

Quickly jumping up and backing away, I shook my head, feeling like the room
was spinning. Then I ran a shaky hand through my hair. I dont know. She just...
I think it was the blood, Emmett offered as he got to his feet as well. She saw
it, and just... passed out. He sounded almost fascinated. I glared at him.
Could someone please get me a wet towel? Carlisle reached for Bellas slim
wrist and checked her pulse. Emmett hurried across the room, while I remained
frozen on the spot.
Esme walked up behind us, a worried look on her face. Oh, dear. Is she all right?
Her pulse is nice and steady. Carlisle carefully let go of Bellas hand, then
turned to look at me. Did you happen to see if she hit her head?
Huh? I looked at him, blankly. Then I shook my head to clear it, firmly telling
myself to start paying attention. No. I caught her before she hit the floor. She
didnt... My voice trailed off as Carlisle blinked in surprise. What?
Nothing. He quickly looked away, nodding in thanks as he took the wet towel
from Emmett, and gently started dabbing Bellas forehead. Then he looked up, his
eyes searching mine. Well done. I just shrugged, having no idea how to respond
to that.
Whats going on? Alice chose that moment to enter the kitchen, Rosalie in tow.
Her eyes widened comically as she spotted Bella, unconscious on the floor.
Bella?! Oh my God!
Is she okay? What happened? Rosalie demanded, although I didnt miss the
concern in her voice. Apparently, I wasnt the only one who felt protective about
this girl. However, should the bitch decide to blame this on me as well, I didnt
think I could be hold responsible for my actions.
Bella? Can you hear me? Carlisle spoke softly, smiling when Bella let out a
weak groan. He turned to look at us over his shoulder. Shell be perfectly fine.
Would someone get a glass of water?
I started towards the sink, but Alice beat me to it. She then sat down on the floor
next to Bella with the glass in her hand, gently patting her friends cheek. Bella?
Come on, sleepy-head, wake up. As Bellas eyes finally fluttered open, Alice let
out a squeal, exclaiming, There you are!

Bella blinked in confusion, and I found myself stepping closer. I needed to see for
myself that she was okay. As Alice and Carlisle helped her to sit up, her eyes
darted around the room. Um, what happened?
I think you passed out. Alice glanced over her shoulder before she went on,
Jeez, Bella, you scared us all half to death! Closing her eyes for a moment, Bella
mumbled something, and Alice leaned a little closer. What?
God, this is so embarrassing. Bella struggled to get up, and Alice hurried to help
her. Really, Im okay. She ducked her head.
Carlisle smiled. Theres nothing to be ashamed of, Bella. Were all just glad
youre all right. He paused. But I have to insist for you to take it easy for the rest
of the day. In fact, I think I should call your father-
No! Bellas eyes widened. I mean, theres no need to get Charlie all worked up
over nothing. She bit her lip. Maybe someone could just give me a ride home?
Ill make sure to get plenty of rest.
Yeah, sure, I- Rosalie started.
I cut her off, the words being out of my mouth before I realized it was me who had
spoken, Ill take you. Then I froze dead in my tracks. What the fuck?! The room
had suddenly become so silent you could hear a pin drop. I cringed when I felt
everyones eyes on me.
Thats very generous of you, Edward. Esme smiled, although she sounded
somewhat uncertain. Alice just stared at me, not quite able to hide the doubtful
look on her face.
Rosalie didnt even try. Her eyes narrowed. Yeah, right. She let out a snort and
turned to Bella. I dont mind. If youll get your stuff, Ill go start the car.
I glared at Rosalie, more than a little pissed off by her obvious dismissal of my
offer, and stated in a cold voice, I said, Ill fucking take her. That was when I
saw how Bellas eyes went from Rosalie to me, and I could tell that she was
uncomfortable by the situation. So I held my breath, waiting for her rejection.
What the hell was I thinking? Why couldnt I just have kept my mouth shut? I just
wanted to be left alone, and now, the fucking questions would never end.
Why wouldnt the floor just open up and swallow me?

I watched in disbelief how Bella stepped away from Alice, and hesitantly walked
over to me. Id like that. Thank you.
At first, I just stared at her, dumbfounded. Then I snapped out of the shock and
cleared my throat. Right. Lets go, then, I mumbled. Before anyone could object,
I spun around and rushed out of the room, desperate to get away. I didnt wait to
see if Bella would follow, but silently prayed that she would.
What the fuck had I just gotten myself into?

Chapter 10
BPOV
I was surprised, to say the least, when Edward offered to take me home, but I
wasnt stupid enough to let this opportunity pass. Of course, the fact that I had just
embarrassed myself in front of his entire family also played a part in my eagerness
to get out of there, but I would be lying if I said the idea of spending more time
alone with Edward wasnt my number one reason for accepting his offer.
To tell the truth, I had never enjoyed being the center of attention in any way. And
now, everybody was staring at me like they were expecting me to sprout horns or
something. As Edward practically ran out of the kitchen, I took a deep breath and
turned to Carlisle and Esme. Um, thank you, for everything. Then I glanced at
Alice. Alice, Ill talk to you later? She just nodded, looking at me with large
eyes.
I forced myself to walk out of the room, slowly, instead of running, carefully
putting one foot in front of the other, so I wouldnt fall down. As soon as I was out
of everyones sight, I practically flew up the stairs to get my stuff, hoping that
Edward wouldnt get tired of waiting for me. Then I left the house as calmly as I
could, resisting the urge to bounce up and down and giggle, like a crazy person.
Maybe I could blame my irrational behavior on my traumatic experience in the
kitchen. After all, I did lose consciousness for a couple of minutes.
Ugh!
Why did I have to remind myself about how I passed out - in front of Edward -

like a little old lady from the fifties? I mean, seriously, who the hell actually
fainted these days?
Double ugh!
I found Edward out on the front porch, pacing back and forth while he was
smoking a cigarette. He tensed up briefly when he saw me, but quickly covered up
and raised an eyebrow. Ready to go? I merely nodded, not trusting my voice at
the moment, so he tossed the half smoked cigarette to the ground, crushed it under
his boot, and headed for the silver Volvo parked in the driveway.
I followed him without a word.
Instead of simply jumping into the drivers seat, like I had expected, Edward
stepped over to the passenger side and held the door open for me to enter. My eyes
widened slightly, but I wisely chose not to make any comments. However, the
annoying voice inside my head was squealing with delight.
Gorgeous, and a gentleman!
Careful, Bella, I firmly told myself. Theres a lot more to him than that, and you
know it.
So I settled for giving him a grateful smile, mumbled a soft thank you, and
quietly slipped into the passenger seat, waiting for Edward to close the door, walk
around the car and get in.
After I had given Edward the directions to my house, he backed the car out of the
driveway, and I felt my heart beating wildly in my chest. This was it. Edward and I
were alone; there was just the two of us, in his car. For the next ten minutes or so,
he would have no choice but to make conversation with me.
Or so I thought.
When we got out on the main road, Edward still hadnt said a word, and I started
to get a sinking feeling in my stomach. Why wasnt he saying anything? Did he
regret offering to give me a ride home? As he just kept driving in silence, I let out
a defeated sigh and slumped back into my seat.
My sigh must have caught his attention, because he finally threw a glance in my
direction. Whats wrong?
I gave him an incredulous look. Was he serious? Edward just looked at me,

blankly, so I shook my head in irritation. You tell me.

He turned his attention back to the road. I dont know what youre talking about.
Sure you dont, I muttered, sarcastically.
Things were definitely not going the way I had hoped. Frustrated about Edwards
behavior - not to mention the fact that I was still starving, since I hadnt gotten the
chance to finish my breakfast before I left - it was safe to say that my patience was
quickly running out. You know what? Since this was obviously a mistake, why
dont you just stop the car? I can walk the rest of the way.
What? Edward turned to look at me, his face a mixture of hurt and disbelief. If
you think getting into the car with me was a fucking mistake, why the hell did you
agree in the first place?
No, thats not what I meant. I spoke slowly, determined to keep my voice calm.
Youreclearly the one who thinks this is a mistake, not me.
I could see how his expression changed. Suddenly, he looked angry. So, youre an
expert on my fucking thoughts, now? What, you can read my mind?
No. I glared at him. But I wish I could. Then I might be able to talk to you
without constantly being afraid of accidentally saying something that will make
you snap at me!
I watched how his face fell. Is that how you feel? He spoke in an uncertain
voice, once again turning away from me.
Sometimes, I admitted. When he didnt say anything else, I bit my lip. Could
you please pull over for a moment?
His hands only gripped tighter around the steering wheel. Why?
Because youre going a little too fast, and its making me anxious. I blinked
away a few tears. It was only half the truth, though. I also wanted to be able to talk
to Edward without him using the traffic as an excuse to avoid looking at me, but I
wasnt about to tell him that.
I let out the breath I had been holding when Edward finally took his foot off the
gas, causing the car to slow down. Then, much to my surprise, he actually pulled
the car over to the side of the road and stopped. Sorry, he mumbled.

Its okay. Thank you for stopping. I swallowed. For a moment, we both just sat
there in silence. Then I glanced at him. So youre not having second thoughts
about taking me home?
The startled expression on his face reminded me of a dear caught in the headlights.
Although, to his credit, he looked straight at me when he finally responded. No.
Well, that was a relief. I managed a small smile. Good. Hesitating for a moment,
I then went on, So, friends, then?
Edward just looked at me, then quickly averted his eyes. I could tell that he was
feeling uncomfortable, although I couldnt figure out why. I suddenly realized it
was always like this with Edward; one tiny step forward, and two steps back. And
it was really starting to bother me. I was tired of constantly having to walk on
eggshells around him, when I didnt even understand why.
So, I decided to just stop beating around the bush, once and for all.
I shifted a little in my seat, so I could look at him without having to turn my head.
Listen, Edward, I know we havent known each other very long, but... I felt my
cheeks flush, much to my dismay. But I forced myself to go on. I kinda like being
around you. I like talking to you. And I... I lowered my eyes as I finished, ...need
to know if you feel the same way.
He was silent for so long, I feared that he simply wouldnt answer. But I couldnt
take my words back, even if I wanted to. I had to know.
Finally he spoke up, almost too quietly for me to hear, I do.
Thank God! I was unable to keep the relief out of my voice. Normally, I would
have been embarrassed, but for once, I didnt care. So I hadnt just been imagining
things. There reallywas something there. So what if I didnt understand it. Edward
felt it too.
Now, seeing how he watched me with an almost curious look on his face, I forced
myself to calm down. I mean, thats good, right? Edward mumbled something I
couldnt make out. I took a deep breath. Cant we just... hang out?
He frowned, suddenly finding something very interesting on the floor below his
seat. I dont hang out, he finally muttered.
Well, you could. I didnt want to let Edwards discouraging words put a damper
on my mood; the guy had just admitted that he liked my company. Maybe not in

that many words, but still. You could hang out with me. When all I got in
response was silence, I shoved my hands down into the pockets of my jacket. If
you want to, I finished weakly, once again feeling self-conscious.
Why? My eyes shot up to meet his, and I suppose he must have seen my
crestfallen expression, because he hurried on, I mean, why would you wanna do
that? Seeing my confusion, he added, Hang out with me.
I stared at him, not sure what he meant. Why wouldnt I?
Bella, you dont know me. Im not... He let out a sigh, obviously having a hard
time to find the right words, and I could tell that he was starting to become
frustrated. Look, Im not the type of guy youd wanna be friends with. I opened
my mouth to object, but he cut me off, Im bad, all right?
Swallowing, I shook my head, slowly. Who told you that?
What? Edward stared at me, his face a mixture of confusion and alarm.
I held his gaze, refusing to look away. Who made you think youre bad? When
he didnt answer, just kept looking at me, I reached out to put my hand on his arm.
Edward?
He snatched his arm away, and I felt like screaming as he scooted backwards until
he had backed up against the door, as far away from me as he could possibly get
inside of the car. I told you; dont fucking touch me! His voice was trembling,
slightly.
Im not gonna hurt you, dammit! I cried, beyond frustrated. Edward just
continued watching me, his face blank. I inhaled, shakily, silently counting to five
before I went on, Edward, listen to me. Whoever told you that was wrong, or
lying. Youre not bad.
Edward let out a bitter laugh, then turned the car key around and started the
engine. You dont fucking know me, he muttered as he maneuvered the car back
into the traffic.
My hands gripped at the seat when Edward stepped on the gas, but I remained
silent, trying not to panic. A part of me was relieved when he pulled up outside my
house a couple of minutes later and turned off the engine. Another part didnt want
to leave the car until I had gotten some answers. And more importantly; fixed
whatever I had done wrong.

I glanced at Edward. He seemed a little calmer, but he kept looking straight ahead
through the windscreen, refusing to meet my eyes, and I started to suspect that he
simply waited for me to get out of the car. I stubbornly remained in my seat. For
almost a minute, we just sat there, both waiting for the other to make a move.
Finally he let out a sigh, closing his eyes for a moment.
Why wont you leave? He spoke in a low voice, and I got the feeling he wasnt
just talking about leaving the car.
I dont want to, I admitted, quietly. Then I lowered my eyes. And I dont think
you really want me to, either. I held my breath, wondering if I had stepped over
the line.
It doesnt matter what I want, Edward whispered, almost like he was talking to
himself.
I frowned. Of course it does. Why would you say that?
Bella... Edward clenched his fists, then patted his pockets, and it took a moment
before I realized he was looking for his cigarettes. I dont know what you want
from me, he admitted, clearly frustrated.
My hands were itching to reach out to him, take his hand and hold it between
mine. But I wasnt that stupid. I just wanna be your friend. That wasnt the
whole truth, of course, but I knew I had to start somewhere. Right now, I would
gladly settle for just being his friend.
That was, if he would let me.
My heart sank when he shook his head, although somewhat hesitantly. Its better
if were not.
Better for who? I demanded, incredulously. Maybe you shouldve thought of
that beforeyou offered to give me a ride home! Before you had to be all... sweet,
and dazzling me by holding the door open for me!
Okay, I realized I was being irrational. But I was also desperate.
Now he stared at me like I had gone crazy. I couldnt blame him. I dazzle you?!
What the fuck does that even mean? I opened my mouth, but he wasnt finished.
Look, I said its better if were not friends. I didnt say... He mumbled
something.

What? I suddenly didnt dare to look at him.

It was Edwards turn to take a deep breath. He kept his head down as he repeated
his words, quietly, I didnt say I dont want to.
All of the sudden, my hands were shaking. What does that mean? I managed to
whisper.
He slowly raised his head. It means that Im tired of trying to stay away from
you.
I felt light-headed, like I was going to pass out again. Then dont. He didnt
respond, and I worried my bottom lip between my teeth. I should probably get
inside. I paused. Do you wanna come in?
Edward gave me a somewhat startled look, then shook his head. I cant.
Okay. I swallowed, struggled with the seat belt and prayed that he wouldnt hear
the disappointment in my voice.
Its not you, all right? Edward ran his hand through his hair, almost nervously. I
just... He hesitated. Theres something I have to do.
Right. Yeah. I waved my hand in dismissal. You dont have to explain. I
understand.
He watched me closely, like he was trying to figure out if he had upset me. I
suddenly didnt know whether to laugh or cry. As I opened the door, I cast a final
look at him over my shoulder. You know, if you want, you could stop by when
youre done with... whatever it is youre gonna do.
Seeing the uncomfortable look on his face, I shook my head, deciding to stop
humiliating myself like this. Or Ill just see you at school on Monday. Whatever.
Thanks for the ride. With that, I practically flew out the car, closing the door
behind me before he would get a chance to stop me.
Or, in all honesty, I was more afraid to find that he wouldnt try to stop me.
A moment later, the Volvo was gone, along with Edward. And I instantly felt like a
part of myself was missing.
*~*~*

Charlie was sitting by the table, drinking coffee and reading the morning paper. He
looked up when I entered the room. Youre home early, he stated.
I frowned. Sorry. I could leave again if you want.
He lowered the paper, a surprised - and somewhat hurt - look on his face. Thats
not what I meant.
I know, Dad. I was just kidding. I went over to the fridge and looked inside,
hoping to find something edible. Picking up an apple, I noted that I would have to
do some grocery shopping within the next couple of days.
Oh. Charlie was quiet for a moment before he cleared his throat. I had a friend
of mine looking at your truck. He managed to fix it temporarily, but he said you
should probably take it to the workshop and have a real mechanic take a look at
it. He paused. You know, if you want a vehicle that is a bit more... reliable, Ill
be happy to help you find something. If its about money, I could-
I sighed, because this was not the first time we were having this conversation.
Thanks, Dad, but that wont be necessary. I like my truck, and I have no intention
of replacing it any time soon.
Charlie didnt look pleased. Well, its not exactly safe, he muttered. If it keeps
breaking down-
Dad, my mom gave me that truck, and Im keeping it. I cut him off, the tone of
my voice leaving no room for discussion. Charlie looked a little taken aback, but
wisely nodded in acceptance. I took a bite of my apple, hoping that he would
change the subject.
He did, much to my relief. So, did you have a good time with Alice?
I nodded, putting on a strained smile. Yeah. It was great. And their house is
amazing. I hesitated a little. Dad, how well do you know the Cullens?
Why? He looked a little suspicious.
Oh, Im just curious. I shrugged in an attempt to act nonchalant.
Charlie got up and walked over to the sink with his empty cup, rinsing it briefly
before putting it upside-down in the dish stand. The Cullens are good people.
Carlisle is a brilliant surgeon; were lucky to have him. Apparently, aside from the
two months he spent working at the hospital in Chicago a few years back, he

hasnt had a day off in all the years hes been working here.
I was a little surprised; Charlie usually wasnt much for making speeches.
Carlisle seems really nice. Esme too.
They are. Charlie nodded in confirmation. And as for the kids, well, theyve
never given me any trouble, which is more than I can say for the children of some
folks who have lived in this town for generations.
I raised an eyebrow. So theyre not originally from around here? That explains
why I dont remember them. I used to spend the summers here in Forks as a kid.
But that was a long time ago.
No, they used to live somewhere in Alaska before they moved down to Forks,
Charlie explained. But I wouldnt call them new folks; they have been living here
for almost ten years now. A pause. Well, except for the youngest boy, of course.
Edward.
Right. I bit my lip, wondering how much Charlie knew. I heard hes adopted.
He nodded. Thats right. I waited for him to elaborate, but - to my
disappointment - he didnt. Instead he just looked at his watch and mumbled
something about a basketball game on TV. Then he hurried out of the room,
leaving me with more questions than ever.
What happened to Edward before he was adopted by the Cullens? What was up
with his never-ending mood swings? Why had he told me that he was tired of
trying to stay away from me, when in the next moment, he couldnt get away fast
enough.
Would I ever get any answers to my questions?

Chapter 11
EPOV
As soon as Bella was out of the car, I stepped on the gas and drove off with one
single thought in mind; to get as far away as I could, as quickly as possible, and
not looking back. The last part was the hardest. It was also the most important.
Because if I would cast one single look in the rear-view mirror and see Bella

standing there on the sidewalk, I didnt think I would be able to leave.

And I had to.
This wasnt going according to my original plan at all. Bella was already getting
way too close; inch by inch, she was slowly working her way into my bruised and
battered heart, and it was bound to end badly. The closer she got, the bigger was
the risk of me getting hurt.
I wasnt worried about Bella hurting me physically, of course, but there were other
ways. She seemed so eager for me to trust her, and I just couldnt. Or, to be more
accurate; I couldnt allow myself to trust her. Over the years, I had come to the
painful realization that the only person in life you could really rely on was
yourself. As long as I would remember that, I would be safe.
Safe, and dead on the inside.
It wasnt fair. I had to go through life, every day, watching the happy couples
around me. Carlisle and Esme. Alice and Jasper. Hell, even Emmett and Rosalie.
They were all so fucking happy, in love, and it just sickened me. To them, life was
easy. Pleasant. As long as they were together, everything was right in the world.
Their fucking love was all that mattered. And I resented them for it.
Even more so, I resented myself, for feeling that way. For not being able to look at
any of them without getting completely overwhelmed by the emotions I could see
swimming in their eyes. Every loving look they gave each other, every affectionate
word spoken between them, every innocent caress, it was all like a fucking slap in
the face to me.
A part of me wanted to hate them, simply for their ability to love, to be capable of
feeling something other than shame and self-loathing.
Because I wanted that, too. I wanted it so badly it tore me apart.
I didnt need anybody. I just wanted to keep to myself and be left alone, at a safe
distance from the outside world. That was the message I had been sending out for
as long as I could remember. I had truly believed it, and made sure everyone else
did as well.
Dont let anyone in, and youll be safe. Simple as that.
Except that nothing was simple anymore. Not since the day Bella Swan had
literally stumbled into my pathetic, fucked up life.

Bella with her kind eyes, her beautiful smile, her extreme clumsiness, and her
dangerously tempting promises of a friendship that I hadnt asked for. Nor did I
deserve it.
You could hang out with me. I just wanna be your friend.
I had tried to push her away, and still, she stubbornly kept sticking around. Sort of
like Alice. And I kept telling myself that I didnt need any of that. But in reality, I
just didntwant to need anything. Or anyone. Because the moment I would let
myself depend on others, the moment I would let my guard down, that was the
moment I would fall. And I knew that no one would be there to catch me.
Im tired of trying to stay away from you, I had told her.
Truer words had never been spoken. And yet, they meant nothing. Because no
matter what I felt when I was around Bella, no matter how curious I was about her,
no matter how badly a part of me longed to get to know her, I knew without doubt
that should she ever find out the truth about me, she would look at me with horror
and disgust.
She would be appalled, repulsed by my very presence. And then she would walk
away.
Aside from the numerous counselors I had been sent to over the years, Carlisle and
Esme were the only people here in Forks who knew the whole story about my
past, the humiliating details of what James had repeatedly done to me when I was
a kid. Now I recalled the serious look on Carlisles face, how he had looked me
straight in the eyes, and asked for my permission to fill Alice and Emmett in on
what I had been through.
Obviously, he thought it would make them understand me better. I had been eleven
at the time, and Carlisle had just brought me back home to Forks with him.
Edward? Would you please look at me, son? Carlisle addressed me from across
the room, making sure not to invade my personal space by coming any closer. Still,
I had to struggle against the instinct to wince every time he opened his mouth to
speak.
I had been keeping my head downcast and my arms wrapped protectively around
my body, and now felt myself involuntarily shrinking back into the couch as I
reluctantly obeyed.

Carlisle watched me silently for a moment, before he quietly spoke up again,

Esme is aware of what happened to you. I hope you understand why I cant keep
something of such a major importance from her?
I lowered my eyes, not able to bring myself to respond. So I merely nodded.
He hesitated briefly, and then went on, Alice and Emmett, on the other hand,
have only been told that you come from an abusive home. However, naturally, they
both have a lot of questions, and I want to ask you if it would be okay for me to tell
them a little more.
I swallowed hard, forcing myself to open my mouth and let the words out, my voice
barely more than a whisper, If I say no, will you send me back to Chicago?
What? No! He must have seen how I flinched, because he immediately lowered
his voice. Of course not. Edward, this is your home now. Nothing is going to
change that. Do you hear me? I nodded again, feeling tears stinging in my eyes.
Carlisle cleared his throat. The decision is completely yours, and I will respect it.
You can agree to let me tell them, or not. But I have to be honest; I believe it will
help for them to understand where youre coming from. When I didnt answer, he
asked, softly, What do you say?
I finally glanced at him, silently pleading for him to understand. I dont want
them to know.
He sighed, but nodded in acceptance. Very well. But I hope that, some day, you
will feel comfortable enough to talk to your brother and sister about your past.
I just shrugged, knowing it wasnt likely to happen.
It took months before I finally realized that Carlisle was a man who stayed true to
his words. As he promised, he never told them a single word, although sometimes,
I could swear that Alice just knew. Dont ask me how. It was just something about
the way she was acting around me, like she saw something that others couldnt.
Emmett, on the other hand, had always been completely oblivious. He was about a
year and a half older than me, and I knew I was a huge disappointment to him. At
first, he had been really excited about getting a brother, but it didnt take him
long to figure out that the two of us couldnt possibly be any more different.
I just couldnt find it in me to care about any of the stuff that was obviously a big
deal to other boys in my age. Like sports. Video games. And, of course, girls. I

remembered a particular incident that took place a couple of months after I had
turned twelve, and had been told to let Emmett know that dinner was ready. So, I
went upstairs to knock on his door...
The door swung open, and I practically stumbled into the room. Emmetts face lit
up when he saw me. Come in and close the door. Youve gotta see this!
His room was dark, and I noticed that all the blinds were down. Emmett slumped
down on the floor, in front of the TV, and gestured for me to come closer. I
hesitated by the door. What are you doing?
He turned to look at me, his face a little flushed, and grinned widely. Ill show
you. Its awesome! A pause. But dont even think about telling Mom and Dad, or
Ill kill you. I swallowed, and nodded in agreement.
Emmett looked pleased by my reaction, and turned back to the TV. He picked up
the remote and turned on what I assumed was a movie. It was. Only not the kind of
movie I had ever seen. My eyes widened in disbelief as I turned to look at the
screen.
I could see a man and a woman. They were both naked, lying close together in a
huge bed with red sheets. Suddenly the woman sat up, reached for something on
the floor, and then tied the mans hands together behind his head while she
whispered something in his ear.
Then she straddled his legs, and began to lick his chest. When the man groaned,
loudly, she shifted a little, and started sucking on his...
I stared at Emmett, who was sitting with his face mere inches from the TV screen,
his eyes wide with fascination. He threw a brief look in my direction, and laughed
excitedly. Isnt it cool?
As I glanced at the scene again, I felt my stomach turn. The next thing I knew, I
vomited all over the floor.
When Esme found out what happened, she had a fit. Emmett got grounded for two
weeks, and naturally, he blamed me for getting him in trouble with his mother.
That was the last time Emmett willingly invited me into his room. After that day,
he rarely spoke to me unless he had to.
Suddenly my cell phone buzzed in my pocket, interrupting me in my memories. I
pulled it out, cast a quick look at the display, and flicked it open with a sigh.
Yeah?

Hi, Edward, its me. Esme sounded a little nervous, although I couldnt figure
out why. She continued, Hows Bella?
I frowned. Why would she ask...? Then I mentally slapped myself, an image of
Bellas pale, slack face as she lay motionless in my arms flashing through my
head.
Right. Bella had passed out in the kitchen, less than an hour ago. I had insisted on
taking her home. And I hadnt even asked her how she was feeling. Instead, I had
nearly scared her to death by driving like a fucking maniac.
Did I mention that I was screwed up? Fuck!
Um, she seemed okay when I dropped her off, I mumbled into the phone, feeling
like the lowest creature on the planet. To my defense, I wasnt used to looking out
for others. Hell, I usually didnt even care. It was easier that way.
Oh, thats good. Esme was clearly relieved. I was worried about her. She seems
like such a sweet girl, dont you think?
I mentally groaned. Look, Esme, Im driving; I cant really talk right now. It was
a lie, of course. I had no problem with driving and talking at the same time. But
that was the only excuse I could come up with at the moment. The truth was, I just
really didnt feel like having that particular conversation now.
Who was I kidding? If it was up to me, we would never be having that
conversation.
Of course, I understand. But I wanted... I heard how Esme hesitated for a
moment, and realized that her concern about Bella hadnt been her only reason for
calling me. I shouldve figured. Holding back a sigh, I waited for her to go on. I
knew exactly what was coming.
Edward, I just wanted to make sure you hadnt forgotten your appointment
today. There it was.
Realizing I had just been driving around in circles, I rolled my eyes and pulled
over to the side of the road. I havent, I muttered, reluctantly.
How could I forget? Same thing, every fucking week.
Good. Look, I dont mean to sound patronizing. Really, Edward, I just...

Yeah, I knew; she just happened to care. But I wished she wouldnt feel obligated
to care about me.
Because I didnt deserve it.
*~*~*
Hello, Edward. Dr. Clearwater smiled as I entered her office, about an hour later.
How are you?
Fine, I responded, as usual. Then I raised a brow and added, sarcastically, How
are you?
As always, she ignored my mocking remarks. Im good, thank you, although its
been quite a hectic week. What about you? Has anything interesting happened
since last time I saw you?
Slumping down on her couch, I briefly considered my options. I had gone through
this torture enough times to know that I could play along; start babbling about
something completely irrelevant, just to pass the time until my hour was up and I
would be able to leave. Keeping her from asking her fucking questions, which we
both knew I wasnt going to answer, anyway.
I had done it before. But today, I wasnt in a mood. So I simply shook my head.
No.
Oh. Her smile faltered a little, but she didnt fool me; I knew she wasnt about to
give up that easily. I was right. What about the rest of the weekend? Do you have
any plans?
Letting out an exaggerated sigh, I shook my head again and folded my arms across
my chest. When do I ever?
All right. Dr. Clearwater watched me for a moment, then rose from her office
chair and walked around the desk, her face suddenly serious. Ill cut the small
talk, since youre clearly not up for it. A pause. Did your... I mean, did Carlisle
tell you that he and I spoke on the phone yesterday?
She knew better than referring to him as my father, which I knew had been on her
tongue.
Doing my best to ignore her almost-slip, I suddenly recalled last night, when I had

run into Carlisle outside the house, and he had started bringing up my next therapy
session. Of course, I didnt give him a chance to finish. Now I gave Dr. Clearwater
a suspicious look, waiting for her to continue.
All of the sudden, I got the sinking feeling that I wouldnt like what she had to say.
Clearly pleased to have my full attention, she started explaining. As you know,
Im not allowed to - and will not - discuss what we talk about in this room with
anyone outside. But Carlisle was having some concerns, and he felt it urgent to
voice his opinion.
I remained silent, holding my breath.
Dr. Clearwater sighed. Edward, I want to ask you something, and Id like for you
to answer. Over the last six years, counting me, how many different counselors
have you been seeing?
I just looked at her, blankly. Opening my mouth, I then closed it again. Finally I
shrugged. Cant remember. Why?
She was quiet for a moment. You have been seeing me once a week, for almost
four months now. Im perfectly aware of the fact that it hasnt been your choice to
come here. But I have to ask you; do you feel like these sessions are just a waste
of your time?
Yes. Fuck, yes!
When I didnt respond, she went on. I want to help you, Edward. But you wont
let me.
Thats because you cant. Face it, Doc; no one can.
So, Im going to give you a choice. I gave her a questioning look, not
understanding where she was going. Dr. Clearwater looked me right in the eyes as
she clarified, You can walk out of here today, not having to come back. If you
honestly feel that keep coming here wont give you anything, then I will explain to
Carlisle that its not working out. Hell understand.
At first, I just stared at her in disbelief. Was this a joke? Judging by her expression,
she was dead serious. As I allowed the meaning of her words to sink in, I couldnt
stop the bitter laugh from bubbling up inside me.
I was so fucked up, even the shrink considered me a lost case. How ironic was

that? I hadnt asked for her help in the first place, and I sure as hell didnt want it.
But wasnt it her fucking job to at least keep trying?
Edward? She looked a little taken aback by my reaction. Would you please tell
me what youre thinking right now?
Slowly getting up from the couch, I shook my head. Whats the point? Im not
your fucking patient anymore.
Ignoring her objections, I left Dr. Clearwaters office without looking back once.
*~*~*
Edward? Carlisle appeared at the top of the stairs the moment I entered the
house, and I got the feeling he had been listening for my car, just waiting for me to
come home. He hurried down and made his way over to me. Are you all right,
son?
Dont call me that, I snapped, automatically. Then I cocked my head to the side.
Did you know you could get fired by a shrink?
He frowned. What are you talking about?
I rolled my eyes and attempted to step past him. Never mind.
Wait a minute. He carefully put his hand on my arm, only to quickly remove it
when I tensed up and shot him a warning glare. Please, Edward, can we just talk
for a moment? Id like to know what you meant by fired. I take it things didnt
go well at your session?
Like you dont know, I grumbled, giving him a hard look. I bet youve already
talked to the almighty doc. She probably called you the moment I was out of the
fucking building, seeing how the two of you are obviously such cozy phone
buddies.
Actually... Carlisle paused, having the decency to look guilty. Why dont you
tell me what happened?
I let out a snort. Why dont you tell me why youre under the illusion that talking
is the fucking answer to everything?
His face fell, and for a moment, I felt bad. Carlisle didnt deserve any of this crap

from me. I squeezed my eyes shut, suddenly feeling a desperate need to break
something. The feeling of being a constant failure grew stronger and stronger
inside me, and in that moment, I knew I had to leave, or I would say or do
something I was bound to regret later.
So I spun around, and bolted out of the house before Carlisle would be able to stop
me.

Chapter 12
BPOV
I turned off the engine, and was just about to grab the grocery bag and get out of
my truck when the shrill sound of my cell phone stopped me in my tracks. As I
checked the caller ID, I held back a sigh. I had been waiting for this. If anything, I
was a little surprised that she hadnt called me sooner.
Hi, Alice.
She huffed. Dont you Hi, Alice me! Ive been worried sick about you. Are you
okay? What happened before?
I rolled my eyes. Relax, Alice, Im fine. I accidentally cut my finger, and passed
out when I saw the blood. It happens all the time; Ive always been a bit of a wuss.
Its no big deal.
Oh. Well, Im glad youre not seriously hurt. She was quiet for a moment.
Bella, is there something going on between you and my brother?
I dropped the phone and it slipped under my seat. When I finally managed to reach
it, I bumped the back of my head on the steering wheel. Muttering to myself, I cast
a look at the display, a part of me hoping the call had been disconnected. But I
realized I was not that lucky when I heard Alice yelling into the phone, Bella?
Bella! What are you doing?
Sighing, I slumped back into the seat, wincing as I rubbed my throbbing head, and
reluctantly brought the phone back to my ear. Sorry. Im still here. Just dropped
the phone. Please, dont let her ask again, please...
Okay. Whats the deal with you and my brother?

Dammit!
Me and Emmett? I asked innocently, in a weak attempt of playing dumb.
Really, Alice, what would Rosalie say about that?
Of course, Alice would have none of that. I could hear the frustration in her voice,
and almost laughed. No, not Emmett. She spoke very slowly, like she was
talking to a child. Or possibly just trying really hard not to lose her temper. Stop
acting like you dont know what Im talking about! I wanna know whats going on
with you and Edward.
I have no idea what you mean, I lied, blushing fiercely, and was beyond grateful
that she couldnt see my face. God, this was awkward!
Alice was silent for a moment. Finally she spoke up again, sounding a little
uncertain, I saw the look on Edwards face before in the kitchen. He was really
worried about you.
My heart skipped a beat, but I was afraid of getting my hopes up. Alice, I was
lying on the floor, at his feet, bleeding like a stuck pig and probably looking half
dead. What kind of person wouldnt react to that? She didnt respond. Alice?
Last night. I could practically hear the wheels turning in her head. You said the
two of you were talking.
So? Failing to see her point, I suddenly got defensive. What are you saying,
Alice? That Im not allowed to talk to anyone in your family, aside from you?
No! God, Bella... She let out a deep sigh. Thats not what I meant at all. Look,
Im sorry if Im coming on a bit strongly about this. Its just...
Just what? I pressed, suddenly fearing that she would tell me to back off, to stay
away from Edward. Because no one would want their friends to be interested in
their siblings, right? The problem was, if that was the case, I honestly didnt think
I could do it. And I would hate to lose Alice as a friend.
It took almost a minute before Alice answered me, and I was starting to get really
impatient. Not to mention totally uncomfortable. I just dont like being kept out
of the loop, okay? she finally admitted. If theres anything going on with you
two, I wanna know about it.
I suppressed a groan. Alice-

She cut me off, I mean, its not like Id mind.

Huh?
You wouldnt? I gasped.
Of course not. Alice lowered her voice, but I could still hear her next words, I
would be thrilled.
She would? Suddenly I didnt know what to think, and I felt like my head was
spinning. Was Alice actually giving me her blessing to spend time with her
brother? I shook my head to clear it. Well, too bad Edward obviously didnt seem
interested in spending time with me.
But there was something there. I knew I hadnt just imagined the spark I felt
between us when our hands accidentally brushed against each other. And the way
my heart started beating faster when our eyes met. Edward felt it too; he had
admitted so himself. And he was tired of staying away from me.
Whatever that meant. Because if you asked me, he was still doing a pretty good
job of staying away.
Was it completely crazy for me to miss him already?
Yes. No. Maybe. God, I was so confused! Suddenly I realized that Alice was still
talking at the other end, and forced myself to snap out of it and pay attention. Im
sorry, Alice, I missed the last part. You were saying?
I said, you should come over for dinner tomorrow night. Alice sounded excited.
I know Mom and Dad would love to see you again; they really liked you. She
paused, and I could hear the smug note in her voice as she continued, And Ill
make sure Edward will be there...
For a brief moment, I allowed myself to be affected by her obvious enthusiasm. I
would get to see Edward again.
Then the bubble burst, and I was thrown back into reality. And if he doesnt want
to be there? Alice, you cant just-
Alice interrupted me, dismissing my apprehension, Edwards too stubborn to
know whats good for him. Hell be there.

She sounded very sure of herself, and for some reason, it made me angry. Alice
had given me the impression that she genuinely cared about Edward, and only had
his best interests in mind. But if that was the case, shouldnt his opinion mean
something to her? I found myself wondering if Edwards own feelings mattered to
anyone in his family.
Dont bother, Alice. I just remembered that I already have plans for tomorrow
night. It was a lie, but hopefully it would get Alice off my back for now. I was
pretty sure she meant well; in her own way, she was probably just trying to do her
brother a favor, so I couldnt be too mad at her.
But it still wasnt right for her to push Edward into something he might not be up
to. No matter how much a part of me wished otherwise, I couldnt fool myself. So,
maybe Edwarddid feel something when he was around me. But he was obviously
not ready to act on those feelings, whatever they were.
And I had come to know him well enough to realize that pushing him in any way
would only have the opposite effect.
Too bad the rest of his family doesnt seem to have come to the same conclusion, I
thought, feeling slightly ill at ease.
Oh. Alice sounded disappointed. Some other night, then? Maybe some time
next week? I didnt miss the hopeful tone of her voice, and couldnt help but feel
a bit bad for turning her offer down.
Sure, I mumbled, doing my best to sound reassuring. That was when I absently
looked out the window, and spotted Edward standing across the street, looking in
my direction. My eyes widened, and I was unable to hold back a gasp. I blinked a
few times to make sure it wasnt just a hallucination. But he was still there.
Look, Alice, I gotta go. Ill call you back later, okay? Ignoring her objections, I
quickly hung up and let the phone slip back down in my pocket. Then I reached
for the handle, fumbled with it for a moment before I finally managed to get the
door to open, and jumped out of the truck, never taking my eyes away from
Edward.
I was afraid that if I did, he would disappear.
When Edward saw me getting out of the car, a look of alarm flashed across his
face, and I watched in horror as he took a step back. Suddenly I panicked. Wait!
I cried out in desperation, rushing towards him while silently praying to whatever
gods may be listening that I wouldnt fall down.

But either the gods didnt hear me, or they simply chose to ignore me, because in
the next moment, I lost my balance and fell headlong to the ground, just barely
managing not to crack my skull open against the hard pavement. However, the
tears welling up in my eyes had less to do with the pain, and more with the fact
that I had once again embarrassed myself in front of Edward.
What was even worse; my clumsiness had most certainly made me miss my one
chance of preventing Edward from taking the opportunity and leave.
Bella? Are you okay? He was suddenly standing in front of me, sounding
concerned, and I looked up at him through tear-filled eyes, shocked that he was
still here. Relief welled up inside me for a brief second. Then I was back to being
embarrassed.
Of course Im okay, never been better, I grumbled, feeling totally humiliated as I
scrambled to my knees. He just looked at me, clearly not convinced, and I rolled
my eyes. What, you never seen a person stumble over something on a flat surface
before? Ill have you know, it happens all the time!
The corner of his mouth twitched slightly upwards. Somehow, I believe you.
I blinked, suddenly realizing that I had accomplished my mission after all; Edward
didnt leave. He wasnt running away from me, at least not for the moment. I made
a mental note to myself to trip in front of him more often. Then my mind finally
registered the pain, and I grimaced. Maybe not.
Here, let me... I thought I saw Edward taking a deep breath before finally
reaching out his hand to me. I gave him a suspicious look from where I sat,
remembering how he usually shied away from my touch like he feared he might be
catching the plague. Then I noticed that his knuckles were red and swollen,
covered in dried blood, and I failed to hold back a soft gasp.
Seeing my reaction, Edward followed my gaze, lowered his eyes in shame and let
his hand drop to his side, and I silently called myself every bad name I could think
of.
Fix it! Now! Do something!
Not trusting my voice to hold, I raised a trembling hand towards him, begging him
with my eyes to take it. In all honesty, I didnt know what I would do if he didnt.
Probably start screaming, or, more likely, crying. And without doubt scare him
away for good.

For the longest time, we just stared at each other, and I had completely forgotten
that I was still sitting on the ground, possibly bleeding from both my hands and
knees. Then I could hear someone inhale, shakily, and it took a moment before I
realized it had been me.
It hurts, I whispered without thinking.
Edward seemed to snap out of it. What? Where? he asked, obviously alarmed. I
could see how he kept glancing at the hand I was still holding up.
I shook my head, unable to look anywhere but into his green eyes. They looked so
sad, almost haunted. It hurts when youre not around. The second the words
were out of my mouth, I knew it was the truth. I didnt know if it was just in my
head, but my entire body seemed to have been aching constantly since the moment
I stepped out of Edwards car, a few hours ago.
And now, when he was standing a mere foot away from me, I felt almost whole.
Almost, but not completely. Because he still hadnt accepted my hand.
His eyes widened at my words. For a moment, he just stared at me in
astonishment. He tilted his head to the side as he gazed into my eyes, like he was
trying to read my thoughts. Yeah, he finally whispered, hoarsely. I know.
Then he took my hand, and gently pulled me up on my feet.
Of course, he let go of me the next second - probably after making sure Id be able
to stand by myself without falling down again - but I could still feel the burning
sensation of his fingers wrapped around my hand. You feel that, too? I asked,
hardly recognizing my own voice. Edward swallowed, visibly. Then he nodded,
and I let out the breath I didnt even realize I had been holding.
Charlie wont be back for hours, I heard myself say before I continued, quietly,
Come inside for a while? Edward glanced at the house behind us, then turned
his eyes back to me. I could see the uncertainty on his face, and bit my lip. Ill
make lunch, I offered, pathetically, and then added a desperate, Please?
*~*~*
EPOV
After storming out of the house, I had been wandering aimlessly around town, not

giving any thoughts to where I might end up. Stopping briefly at a deserted bus
station, where I had beaten the crap out of an innocent lamppost, I had just kept
walking until I became aware of my surroundings and realized I had somehow
ended up in Bellas neighborhood.
I dont know what possessed me to keep moving forward instead of turning around
and heading back in the other direction, but all of the sudden, there I was, standing
across the street from her house. Of course, I had no intentions of making my
presence known, so when Bella suddenly stepped out of the rusty, old truck I had
seen parked in the driveway, I froze dead in my tracks.
Fuck! Now she would think I was stalking her.
Or maybe not. After all, she had asked me to stop by later. But honestly, I never
intended to actually do so. I shouldnt be here. This was wrong. Stupid.
Dangerous.
I was falling. And it absolutely terrified me.
Seeing how Bella looked right at me as she reached blindly to close the door
behind her, I panicked and started backing away. But, for some reason, her
pleading cry for me to wait made me hesitate, and I remained frozen on the spot as
she hurried towards me.
The next thing I knew, she stumbled and fell to the ground. And I found myself
running towards her.
Bella? I knew she couldnt have missed the concern in my voice, but I didnt
really care. Are you okay? She looked up at me, and there were the tears again.
I was defenseless against those fucking tears.
Of course Im okay, never been better, she practically growled. When I gave her
a doubtful look, she continued, defensively, What, you never seen a person
stumble over something on a flat surface before? Ill have you know, it happens all
the time!
I tried not to laugh, knowing from experience that she wouldnt appreciate it. Was
this girl for real? Somehow, I believe you.
She just watched me for a moment, and it hit me that she had yet to get up. Then
she winced in pain, and I silently cursed myself for just standing there like an
idiot. Here, let me... I hesitated before I finally held out my hand, taking a deep

breath and firmly telling myself that I could do this.

Come on, you fucking coward! Youve touched her before and you can do it again.
What are you afraid of? That she might bite your hand off, or break one of your
fingers? Get real!
To my surprise, Bella didnt move. Instead she just gasped, staring at my hand,
and I looked down in confusion. That was when I remembered my encounter with
the lamppost, and self-consciously let my hand drop.
She must think Ive been in a fight or something. Shouldve known it was just a
matter of time before I managed to scare her off. Maybe its for the best.
But then she lifted her own hand, reaching out towards me, and I could do little
more than just stare at her in wonder. Time seemed to have stopped, and I got a
strange feeling of deja vu. Suddenly, I was aware of Bellas lips moving. It
hurts, she breathed, never taking her eyes away from me.
What? I blinked, snapping out of the daze and letting my eyes run over her now
trembling form, suddenly worried. Where?
Bella shook her head, and my eyes were once again locked on hers. It hurts when
youre not around, she mumbled.
Her words startled me, and suddenly I felt like I couldnt breathe. I stared into her
eyes, trying to see something there, some sign that she hadnt meant what she just
said. But there was nothing. In a way, that scared me even more. Because I knew
what she meant. I felt the same way.
When I was around Bella, it was like a part of me forgot who I was. Like I had
found something I didnt even know I was missing. After my run-in with Carlisle,
I had felt a desperate need to just get away, as confusion and rage welled over me,
threatening to consume me. But now, looking at Bella, my inner storm seemed to
have calmed, at least for the moment.
Bellas presence seemed to have a soothing affect on me, although I couldnt for
my life understand it. Nor could my brain comprehend how it was possible for her
to feel the same thing. I was worthless, damaged, broken. I had absolutely nothing
to offer her. And yet, her eyes told me that she was being sincere.
Her words could have been mine. Except that I would never have found the
courage to actually voice them.

Yeah, I finally managed to croak. I know. I didnt even think as I grabbed

Bellas hand and helped her up, staring at her in awe. Her hand was so soft. Warm.
And for some reason, it just seemed to fit perfectly in mine. All of the sudden, I
felt an almost desperate urge to lean in closer and smell her hair, inhaling her
sweet scent.
Then, naturally, reality came crashing down and I realized what I was doing. I
immediately dropped Bellas hand. My heart was suddenly beating so hard, I
feared it would burst right out of my chest.
Still, I was unable to take my eyes away from her.
You feel that, too? Bella whispered, and I swallowed hard before nodding.
I felt it, all right. Whatever it was, I felt it, strongly. So strongly it nearly paralyzed
me.
Come inside for a while? I suddenly realized that Bella was still talking. My
eyes darted hesitantly between her and the house behind us. Ill make lunch, she
offered, biting her bottom lip. Please?
It was the last word that did it. When Bella turned her pleading eyes to me, I knew
I was lost.
How could I possibly turn her down when she was looking at me like that; like all
she wanted in the world was for me to just come with her into her fucking house?
And I wanted to. God, how I wanted to.
Dont do this. Its not safe.
But what did I have left to lose? My fucking sanity?
Its not too late to turn back. You dont even have to hurt her feelings, if thats
what youre worrying about. Just come up with a believable excuse to why you
have to go.
The voice inside my head was pleading with me to run. I had to admit, it was very
tempting to just obey, taking the easy way out.
Instead I found myself nodding in agreement. Okay.

Chapter 13
BPOV
Would you like something to drink? Weve got Pepsi. Or I could make some hot
cocoa. Theres marshmallows. Not the tiny ones, but theyre just as good. I
realized I was babbling, and felt how my cheeks turned hot. But the fact was,
Edward Cullen was currently standing in my kitchen, and I was terrified of
accidentally doing something that would make him simply turn around and bolt.
Because I had a disturbing feeling that it wouldnt take much.
When I turned to look at him, I noticed that he had stopped in the middle of the
room, by the kitchen counter, appearing to be slightly uncomfortable, but not
necessarily looking like he was trying to figure out the safest escape route. I
managed to relax a little.
Pepsis fine, he answered with a shrug, so I hurried over to the fridge and
grabbed two soda cans. Handing one of them to Edward - relieved when he took it
from me without hesitation - I then stepped over to the sink and turned the faucet
on.
My palms were slightly sore from when I had scraped them on the pavement, but I
noted with relief that they werent bleeding. The last thing I needed was to pass
out in front of Edward a second time today. Then again, the day wasnt over yet.
With my luck, there would still be plenty of opportunities to further embarrass
myself.
I heard a pssht as Edward opened his Pepsi. Considering how nervous I was, I
didnt think Id be able to open my own soda can without either dropping it or
spilling the contents all over myself, so I put it down on the sink, deciding to focus
on just one task at the time.
Casting a discreet look at Edward over my shoulder, I found myself wondering
what had happened to his hand. Although I hadnt gotten a chance to get a closer
look, I had still seen enough of his bruised knuckles to suspect it had to be quite
painful. I quickly rinsed my hands before picking up a clean dish towel and
holding it briefly under the water.
Seemingly lost in his own thoughts, Edward didnt look up as I moved across the
room, but I had still expected him to be at least somewhat aware of my
approaching him, so his reaction when I timidly patted his shoulder and held up

the wet towel in a silent offer came as a total shock to me.

He jumped back in alarm, instinctively squeezing his eyes shut, like he was
expecting a blow. I gasped, staring at him with wide eyes as I immediately took a
step back. Im sorry! I was just... I didnt mean... I stuttered helplessly, at a
complete loss for what to do.
Thankfully, he quickly seemed to snap out of it, and I could see the exact moment
realization hit him. His eyes flew open, landing briefly on me, before he ducked
his head in shame. My heart was beating fast. Are you okay? I whispered, my
voice trembling as I was trying to comprehend what had just happened.
He didnt respond. I noticed how his fists clenched and unclenched a few times,
and he was breathing hard, but other than that, he stayed silent. Edward? I tried
again, pleadingly.
Im fine, he finally mumbled in a strained voice. He still refused to look at me.
Im sorry. I repeated the words, suddenly willing to do anything to remove that
haunted expression from his face. As Edward just kept his head down, I silently
cursed myself for my stupidity. I should have known better; I knew he obviously
didnt like people touching him. But what on earth could possibly have happened
to him to cause him to react this way?
I swallowed, hard. I was just gonna give you this. Edward finally raised his eyes
to the wet towel in my hand. I could see his confusion, so I clarified, Your hand. I
just thought you might wanna clean yourself up. I didnt mean to startle you.
He closed his eyes for a moment. Then he shook his head. Just forget it. Im
sorry. I should just-
No! I cut him off before he could finish the sentence, unable to keep the panic
out of my voice. Dont go! Edward, please, dont go. In that moment, I didnt
care how desperate I seemed, as long as he wouldnt leave.
Edward frowned, and he gave me a doubtful look. You still want me to stay? I
could only nod. Why? He sounded incredulous.
Because... I felt like my head was spinning as I searched for the right words to
stop him, but my mind was suddenly completely blank and I came up with
nothing. I just do. Please? I mentally rolled my eyes at my inability to come up
with a better argument. But I felt Edward slipping away from me, and I had no
idea how to get through to him. It absolutely terrified me.

For a moment, he looked more vulnerable than I had ever seen him before. He just
looked at me, clearly not knowing what to think. Then his eyes darkened, and I
realized with fear that I was losing him.
Why are you being so fucking stubborn? he all but snarled, and I could hear the
frustration in his voice. I cant be whatever the hell you want me to be. I cant do
anything for you, except hurting you and making your life miserable. Dont you
get it, Bella? Im not good for you. Im. Fucked. Up!
I could tell how desperately he was trying to make me back off, to just say hell
with it, and walk away from this, whatever it was. I also realized that he truly
believed his own words. And it made my heart ache for him. That was the moment
I knew that - no matter how much Edward would try to convince me otherwise - I
wouldnt give up on him. Ever.
So, I slowly shook my head. I dont believe that. Anyway, Im willing to take my
chances.
Yeah? He stared at me, exasperated. Well, Im not.
Why not? I demanded. You said youre tired of staying away from me. Thats
good, because I dont want you to stay away. I wanna know what the problem is.
Didnt you fucking hear me? His voice was cold as ice, and I involuntarily
shivered. Im fucked up. Ill hurt you.
So you keep saying. I dont know what possessed me to talk to Edward this way,
but I couldnt stop myself. Nor did I want to. I needed him to hear what I had to
say. So I went on, But thats not the real problem, is it? That youre afraid of
hurting me. Its the other way around.
Edward glared at me, although I could see fear flickering in his eyes. Suddenly, all
I wanted was to just hold him and tell him that everything would be all right. But I
knew he wouldnt let me. I dont know what the fuck youre talking about, he
muttered.
I think you do. I think you know exactly what Im talking about. I took a
tentative step towards him, but he stubbornly backed away. I sighed and raised my
hands in surrender, indicating that I woud remain where I was. But that didnt
mean I was going to let him keep denying the truth. Youre not afraid of hurting
me. Youre afraid I might hurt you. Thats what this is really about, isnt it?

He just stared at me with wide eyes, and I held my breath as I waited for some
kind of reaction to my blunt statement. I half expected him to start yelling at me,
but he just remained silent, until the point where I couldnt take it anymore. So I
spoke up again, looking him right in the eyes, I wont. I would never hurt you,
Edward. You have to believe me.
The intensity of his gaze made my throat tighten, and all of the sudden, I felt like I
was drowning. I desperately tried to pull some air into my burning lungs. In that
moment, I got the irrational feeling that Edward had me in his thrall, and I would
never be able to break free.
Then I found myself questioning my desire to break free in the first place.
Bella, you... Edward stopped, running his fingers through his already tousled
hair. For a moment, he looked like he was going to cry. You dont know me, he
finally managed to get out, his voice thick with repressed emotion. You have no
fucking clue who I am, or what Ive done.
Then tell me. I knew I was practically begging now. Whatever it is, I can take
it. I promise. He just shook his head, his fingers still tugging on his hair, and I
had to fight back a sob of frustration.
Wrapping his arms protectively around himself, Edward turned his face away from
me. Im bad, he finally stated, quietly, as if he expected those words to be
enough to scare me away.
I shook my head in exasperation. You said so before. I still dont believe you.
When I saw that he was about to object, I hurried on, But, okay, just for the sake
of it; try me. What did you ever do that was so horrible?
Edward frowned. He opened his mouth, then closed it again, a confused
expression on his face. Im bad, he then repeated, stubbornly, like that would
explain everything. His eyes dared me to object.
No, Edward. I forced myself to keep my voice calm, although I really just
wanted to scream. You already said that. Why are you bad? What did you do?
Just let it go, he warned, a threatening - yet almost pleading - note in his voice.
For some reason, I wasnt the least bit intimidated by his hostility. Instead I just
repeated the question, softly, Why are you bad, Edward? A part of me knew I
shouldnt keep pushing him like this. But I was desperate; I didnt know what else
to do. I had to make Edward see that he could trust me, that I wouldnt judge him.

That I cared.
I... He let out an infuriated groan, obviously not finding the right words. I
dont... Finally he gave up and simply shrugged, hatred in his eyes as he stared
out into the distance. Somehow, I just knew his anger wasnt directed at me as
much as himself. And my heart crumbled just a little bit more.
And then his expression changed. Suddenly he looked so miserable that I just
wanted to cry. Because, somehow, in that moment, I could feel his pain as if it was
my own.
Edward... My voice was husky with emotion, and my eyes stung with unshed
tears. Its okay, Im sorry. Just stay, please. I promise; Ill let it go. It nearly
killed me to say those words, because I didnt want to let it go. But I suddenly felt
like I didnt have much choice. It had been wrong of me to let things go this far. I
had no right to force Edward to talk to me when he so obviously wasnt ready.
It didnt matter how curious I was to learn more about Edward, how desperately I
wanted to know what had happened to him, because this wasnt about me. Edward
didnt owe me anything. But if I ever wanted him to be able to trust me, I owed it
to him to respect his wishes. But I also needed to make him see that I would still
be here, no matter what.
I just want you to know that you can talk to me. My hand was itching to reach
out to him, but I forced myself to resist. Look, I know this is all new, and scary,
and doesnt make much sense. And youre right; I dont really know you. But I
want to. I meant it when I said I like being around you. And nothings going to
change that. Im not going anywhere.
Edward watched me for a moment, his eyes still haunted and uncertain. I couldnt
blame him. Suddenly I felt horrible. I just wanted him to open up to me, but now I
realized that I had been handling the whole situation so terribly wrong. I wanted
Edward to feel comfortable around me, but it was painfully obvious that my
actions had the opposite effect.
I took a deep breath. Listen, we can talk about whatever you want. I dont mean
to make assumptions, but isnt there something youd like to know about me? You
can ask me anything. I had no idea where the words were coming from. Seeing
his hesitation, I quickly added, And I did promise you lunch.
He raised a brow, eying me somewhat warily. Like to cook, do you? he finally
asked, quietly. It was clear to me that he was still a bit cautious about my

intentions, not sure whether to accept my offer, or simply take off. I prayed that he
would just give me a chance to make up for my thoughtless and insensitive
behavior.
Otherwise, I would never forgive myself.
I tried to smile, although Im sure it looked more like a grimace. Um, yeah, I
guess. Its relaxing. Edward gave me a doubtful look. I shrugged. Although I
prefer to bake.
Right. He nodded, as if something had just occurred to him. You never got to
finish making those cookies last night, did you? It sounded like he was forcing
himself to make conversation.
Was that last night? For some reason, it felt like a lifetime ago. I cringed as I
recalled standing in front of Edward in that awful bathrobe.
No, but thats okay. I rolled my eyes. I never really wanted them in the first
place. I just wanted to escape from Alice and her curling iron. To my utter
surprise, Edward let out an amused snort. I blushed. I dont mean to insult your
sister or anything. I mean, I like her a lot, but sometimes, she can be downright
scary.
He shrugged. Yeah, well, shes not really my sister, so... Then he stopped
himself, having obviously not intended to let such a personal detail slip out. Of
course, I already knew Edward was adopted, so I wasnt surprised. However, I
wished he wouldnt feel like he had to keep things like that from me.
Then again; I couldnt really blame him.
I know that, I mumbled, unable to lie to him. Im sorry; I wasnt thinking. I
shouldnt have said that. I didnt mean... My voice trailed off.
For a moment, Edward looked surprised. Then his eyes narrowed, suspiciously.
Really? And what else did Alice tell you about me?
Actually... I was about to tell him not to blame Alice; that it was in fact Emmett
who had filled me in on that particular information in the first place, but quickly
decided it was probably not a good idea. ...not much, really, I finished, weakly.
Edward watched me closely, not totally convinced. Then he let out a defeated sigh.
Yes, Im fucking adopted. As I opened my mouth, he raised a hand to stop me.
But were not talking about me. You said I could ask you anything.

I nodded, both disappointed and relieved at the same time. Since he had brought it
up, a part of me just wanted to know more. Still, it seemed like Edward wasnt
leaving after all, and that was all that mattered. Ask away, I encouraged,
motioning for the kitchen table. Um, why dont we make ourselves a bit more
comfortable?
He tensed up and immediately opened his mouth, without doubt about to decline.
But, apparently, something stopped him. Instead he silently followed me over to
the table, never taking his eyes away from me. My hands were trembling as I
pulled out a chair and sat down, watching Edward do the same.
We kept our eyes locked on each other for what felt like hours, but I knew it
couldnt have been more than a minute, at the most. Then Edward cleared his
throat, and the connection was broken. What is this? he finally asked in a raspy
voice.
I had a feeling I already knew what he was asking, but I still needed him to clarify.
What do you mean? I whispered.
This, he repeated heatedly, gesturing between the two of us. The tone of his
voice indicated that he expected me to have all the answers. I wished he would
realize that I was just as lost and confused as he was. But he kept looking at me
expectantly, his eyes begging me to explain it to him.
How could I, when I didnt even understand it myself?
All I knew was that I desperately needed to be close to him. I had merely known
Edward for a few days, and I had already become addicted to his very presence.
My body longed to touch him, even just something as innocently as to simply hold
his hand. But that wasnt all; what I felt went beyond that. Nothing seemed clear at
first, but as I now allowed myself to get lost in his eyes, a few things became
evident.
About three things, I was suddenly positive.
First, something had happened to Edward in the past, something so horrible that he
had seen no other option than to retreat into himself and shut the rest of the world
out, leaving him emotionally scarred and unable to trust anyone. And it was
obvious that whatever happened had resulted in him blaming and hating himself to
the point where he simply couldnt understand how someone could possibly see
anything good in him.

Second, there was a part of him that felt an attraction towards me, similar to mine.
Only he was even more confused and frightened by the whole thing than I was.
And third, I was falling for him, falling so deeply that I couldnt fool myself into
thinking that things could ever go back to the way they were before I had met him.
I had known Edward Cullen for mere days. And I was already unconditionally and
irrevocably in love with him.

Chapter 14
EPOV
I followed Bella into the house with a strange feeling in the pit of my stomach,
because it suddenly hit me how totally fucking normal this would all seem, to
anyone except me. A girl inviting a guy into her house; surely it happened all the
time, and it was no big deal.
There was that word again; normal. To me, the whole situation felt surreal.
Bella led me into the kitchen, where she offered me something to drink. A moment
later, I was holding a chilled can of Pepsi in my hand. As Bella turned away from
me and headed for the sink, I couldnt help but follow her every movement with
my eyes, wondering if she had any idea how strange all of this was for me. A part
of me felt really awkward, but at the same time, I was fucking intrigued.
Realizing that I was still staring at Bella's back, I quickly averted my eyes. That
was when my mind started wandering.
Although I had always shied away from other people, keeping a safe distance and
telling myself that I didnt want any friends, I suddenly found myself playing with
the thought of being an accepted part of Bellas life. I had to admit, the idea wasnt
totally unpleasant. There was something special about her - aside from the fact that
she treated me like a person, instead of a nuisance.
It was pointless to deny the truth; I was drawn to her, like a moth to a flame.
But, as much as she fascinated me, I could also see the danger. If I allowed myself
to get too close, I would most likely end up burned. Because sooner or later, Bella
would realize that I just wasnt worth the time and effort. If we kept spending time
together, she would eventually start asking questions about my past.

I didnt want to lie to her. And I couldnt tell her the truth.
She would be horrified, disgusted. And I didnt think I could survive losing her,
once I had let her in and allowed myself to hope. It would hurt too much when she
left. Because she would. There was no way she would stick around after learning
how weak and pathetic I really was, how I was so unlovable that even my own
mother didnt want me.
You just never learn, do you, boy? James voice was eerily calm as he kept
approaching me where I sat, not stopping until our faces were mere inches apart. I
nearly gagged when I smelled the reek of alcohol, coming from his breath, but I
somehow managed to keep from emptying my stomach right there in front of him.
Im sorry, I whispered, my voice trembling. It wont happen again. Of course,
I had no idea what I had done, as usual. But I had a sinking feeling I was about to
find out.
He pulled back his fist, and I instinctively raised my hands to cover my face. But
James was much faster as he grabbed my arm, his fingers digging into my skin.
You keep disobeying the rules, he hissed, his face red with anger. Youre a
disgrace and a disappointment to your mother, and you leave me no choice but to
punish you.
My head snapped back as he slapped me hard across the face, causing tears of
pain and humiliation to well up in my eyes. However, I quickly blinked them away.
James went on, mockingly, But it doesnt matter what I do, because you just
never learn. You keep misbehaving, and you cant do anything right. He paused,
a cruel smile playing on his lips. Say it.
When I just stared at him, my brain not comprehending what he wanted me to say,
he tightened his grip on my arm and yanked me up on my feet, slamming me into
the wall behind me. Say it! he ordered.
I swallowed, nodding as realization finally dawned on me. Ive been bad, I
gasped, stumbling over the words in my desperation to get them out fast enough,
so he would stop hurting me, at least for the moment. Im bad.
Yes, you are, James agreed in a cold voice, his eyes narrowing threateningly.
Say it again...
Having been lost in my memories, I never noticed how Bella walked up to me, so

when I felt a hand on my shoulder, I leaped backwards in pure panic, closing my

eyes in a reflex action as I waited for the pain that didnt come. In the next
moment, I heard Bellas soft, yet slightly hysterical voice, stuttering out apologies,
and my eyes snapped open.
One look at Bellas face told me that she was shocked by my reaction. She looked
at me with large eyes, her mouth opening and closing a few times as she was
clearly at a loss for words. Horrified for losing it in front of her like this, I lowered
my eyes to the floor, unable to face her as shame and revulsion welled up inside
me.
And then she asked me if I was okay. I pressed my lips tightly together, forcing
myself to take a couple of deep breaths through my nose, and waited for my heart
to stop beating like a fucking sledgehammer inside my chest. I heard Bella saying
my name, sounding on the verge of tears, and I finally managed to find my voice.
Im fine, I lied, my entire body trembling violently.
I shouldve known coming here was a mistake.
When she held up a towel, and explained in a somewhat shaky voice how she had
simply intended to give it to me so I could clean myself up, I felt even more like
an idiot. While a part of me realized I owed her at least some kind of explanation
for my behavior, the coward in me just wanted to run.
That was when she shocked the hell out of me by pretty much begging me to stay.
And - with all the tension building up inside me - I just exploded.
Why are you being so fucking stubborn? I practically yelled in her face. I cant
be whatever the hell you want me to be. I cant do anything for you, except hurting
you and making your life miserable. Dont you get it, Bella? Im not good for you.
Im. Fucked. Up!
Bella just watched me in silence for a moment, showing no sign of being
intimidated by my outburst. I didnt understand why she wouldnt just start yelling
right back, telling me what an ass I was. Or simply telling me to get the hell out of
her house and never speak to her again.
Instead she shook her head, firmly. I dont believe that. Anyway, Im willing to
take my chances.
I was both frustrated and ashamed, but most of all confused, having no idea why
she was being so damn persistent. Why she wouldnt just give up and realize she
was wasting her time, that she shouldnt even bother. But she refused to listen to

my angry protests; instead she just demanded to know what the fucking problem
was.
Didnt you fucking hear me? I gave her a warning look, which she seemed to
ignore. Im fucked up. Ill hurt you.
So you keep saying. She looked me right in the eyes. But thats not the real
problem, is it? That youre afraid of hurting me. Its the other way around. My
eyes widened in alarm as she took a step forward, and I backed away, silently
warning her to keep her distance.
Youre not afraid of hurting me. Youre afraid I might hurt you. Thats what this
is really about, isnt it? I glared at her, furious about the fact that she was
somehow able to see right through me. Suddenly I felt like I was trapped in a
corner, with the walls closing in on me. When I remained silent, Bella went on, a
pleading note in her voice, I wont. I would never hurt you, Edward. You have to
believe me.
It was all becoming too much for me to handle, and I realized with horror that I
was on the verge of having a serious fucking break-down. Anger, accusations and
hostility - that I could deal with. But not unconditional kindness and sympathy.
Because I knew I didnt deserve it.
By some miracle, Bella finally seemed to realize just how close to the edge I was.
Just like that, she backed away and stopped pushing me. And here we were now,
sitting by the kitchen table and staring at each other like hypnotized.
What is this? I asked, my voice cracking as I was both tired and fucking
confused. Id had plenty of opportunities to leave, and yet, here I was, once again
lost in the depth of Bellas chocolate brown eyes, feeling the tension slowly leave
my body, although I wouldnt allow myself to let my guard down completely.
She hesitated, obviously a little taken aback by my question. What do you
mean?
This! I was unable to keep the impatience out of my voice, because I just needed
her to explain to me how the hell she was able to affect me this way. I could yell
and rant at her, come up with a million reasons why she should just leave me
alone, but then I still couldnt bring myself to stay away.
Bella swallowed. I dont know, she finally mumbled, although I noticed how she
suddenly wouldnt meet my eyes. She opened her mouth, then closed it again,
worrying her bottom lip between her teeth. Finally she glanced at me. Hows

your hand?
I frowned, for a moment wondering what the fuck she was talking about. Excuse
me?
Your hand, she repeated, all of the sudden eager to change the subject. Does it
hurt? Maybe you should have someone take a look at it.
Understanding finally dawning on me, I wriggled my fingers a little, holding back
a grimace as I shook my head. Its nothing. In a way, that was true. While I still
felt a dull ache when I clenched my fist, Id had a lot worse.
So, what happened? She eyed me carefully, clearly wondering if I would be
offended by her question and lash out at her again.
I sighed, then shrugged as I decided to just tell her the truth. I punched a
lamppost.
Oh. Bellas eyes widened, slightly. She was quiet for a moment. Then she spoke
up again, her voice surprisingly light, You know, you really shouldnt go around
getting into fights with lampposts. You should know those things fight dirty.
At first, I just stared at her in disbelief. Then I couldnt help but chuckle. Thanks.
Ill try to remember that.
Bellas face lit up and she nodded, seemingly pleased by my reaction. Then she
became serious again. Are you mad at me? She sounded worried.
My eyes immediately shot to hers, and I gave her an incredulous look, for the
moment forgetting to be on my guard. Why the hell would you think that?
She started picking, nervously, at the edge of her sleeve. Well, its not like Id
blame you if you were. Im sorry for pushing you like that. I just... She shrugged.
I didnt mean to upset you.
Bella... I hesitated. All of the sudden, Bella seemed so small, so uncertain. I
could tell how badly she wanted to know what was going on with me. I had also
noticed how her fingers twitched when she asked me if I was mad at her, like she
just wanted to reach out to me, but knew it wasnt allowed.
That was when it hit me that she genuinely cared about me. While that realization
made me feel strangely warm inside, I also felt a lump in my throat, because the
fact remained; Bella still didnt know the truth about me. And I didnt doubt for a

second that it would drastically change the way she felt, should she ever find out.
I meant it when I said I like being around you. And nothings going to change
that. Im not going anywhere.
Bellas voice suddenly echoed in my head, as I recalled her words to me. Still, I
didnt know what to make of it. Surely, she wouldnt feel the same if she knew
how damaged I really was, if she knew the dark secret I was hiding, what I had
been unable to prevent from happening when I was a kid. If she knew how bad I
had been.
Then she would hate me. And I would be alone again.
But what if I was wrong? I had already established that Bella was different. Maybe
if Id just give her a chance...
Are you out of your fucking mind? the voice inside my head cried out in protest.
You cant trust her. So what if she seems to care about you right now? Shell just
end up hurting you, whether its intentional or not. Dont even think about getting
any closer. You shouldnt even be here. Youve better leave now, before its too
late.
Except I was pretty certain I was already past the point where I could simply walk
away. I feared that trying to run from Bella - and my confused feelings - was no
longer an option.
I would never hurt you, Edward. You have to believe me.
She had seemed so honest, so sincere. Even now, when she was watching me
quietly from across the table, waiting for me to say something, anything, I noticed
how her eyes were begging me to trust her.
And in that moment, I really fucking wanted to.
Im not mad at you, I finally blurted out, not missing how Bellas expression
instantly changed from anxious to hopeful. Then I paused, struggling to find the
right words to assure her. But my mind was completely blank, and I let out a
frustrated groan. Fuck! I dont know how to do this shit.
What? she asked softly, obviously a little confused.
I rolled my eyes, annoyed with myself for being so screwed up that I couldnt even
put my pathetic thoughts into words that Bella would understand. But she just

waited, patiently, for me to explain. I sighed. Interacting with people, I finally

confessed without looking at her, ashamed to admit just how introverted and
antisocial I really was.
Feeling her eyes on me, I reluctantly raised my head, and was stunned by the
acceptance and understanding I could see there. I think youre doing just fine
right now, she said, quietly. I raised a brow and gave her a doubtful look, but
remained silent. Bella shrugged. We can figure the rest out together.
I swallowed and merely nodded, not trusting my voice to hold if I tried to speak. A
part of me was absolutely fucking terrified of even beginning to take in the
meaning of those words. And another part felt a strange urge to reach over the
table and grab Bellas hand, begging her to hold on and never let go.
Um... I got the feeling Bella was able to sense my agitation and inner turmoil,
because she changed the subject. How about twenty questions?
What? I stared at her in bewilderment.
She smiled a little at my obvious confusion and explained, Well, I said before you
could ask me anything. Ive decided you get twenty questions before I start
making the lunch. What do you say?
My eyes widened, slightly. Are you serious? She nodded. And you promise to
answer whatever fucking question I ask you?
M-hm. Bella nodded again, although I noticed how she suddenly looked a bit
nervous. As long as its not, you know... She blushed. ...inappropriate. I held
back a snort, and simply nodded in acceptance. Go ahead, then, she encouraged,
leaning back into the chair and folding her hands in her lap.
Right. Um... I searched my mind for something to ask her. Whats your favorite
color?
It was Bellas turn to snort. Is that the best you can come up with? Thats totally
lame!
I shrugged, feeling rather stupid, because she was obviously right. All right.
Never mind, then. Heres one question for you. I could see how she braced
herself, looking at me expectantly. Why didnt you wanna go to the prom with
Tyler Crowley? I practically spat the name out, anger welling up inside me as I
recalled seeing him with Bella, but still dying to know the answer.

Bella blinked in surprise, but quickly recovered. I... She hesitated for a moment.
Well, for one thing, I dont dance. A pause. And even if I did, I would never go
with him. Hes a jerk.
Wondering briefly if she could see the relief on my face, I nodded in
understanding and hurried on, Okay. Next question... I thought quickly, Do you
prefer to read, or watch TV?
Read. She answered immediately, without hesitation.
I decided to stick with the subject. Whats the name of the last book you read?
She smiled, somewhat sheepishly. Wuthering Heights by Emily Bront. Ive read
it like ten times.
Huh. Remembering being forced to read Wuthering Heights in English class
about a year ago, and hating every moment of it, I was about to ask why someone
would want to read such a depressing story twice, let alone ten times, but the look
on Bellas face made me decide against it. She clearly liked the fucking novel,
even though I couldnt for the life of me understand why.
I proceeded to ask her what kind of music she preferred, and before I knew it,
Bella and I were having a heated discussion about rock versus classical. It
suddenly hit me that we were actually having a real conversation, and I found
myself enjoying it. In fact, I couldnt remember the last time I had felt this
comfortable talking to anyone.
And judging by the look on Bellas face - and the genuine smile playing on her
lips - she felt the same way.

Chapter 15
BPOV
As I entered the school building, I was both excited and nervous. It was finally
Monday morning and I was very eager to see Edward again, since it had been
almost two days - during which I had missed him like crazy - and it had
completely slipped my mind to ask for the number to his cell phone so I could call
him.

I had talked to Alice on the phone yesterday, and a part of me had been dying to
ask if he was around. But somehow, I managed to control myself, knowing how
Alice would react should I show even the slightest sign of interest - most likely
jump directly into the car and drive over to my place, ignoring my protests and
dragging me back to the house with her. She would probably bring her curling
iron. I shuddered at the thought.
But Alice hadnt mentioned her brother once, and I had been both relieved and
disappointed.
The other day, Edward had stayed at my house for nearly two hours. While things
had started off kind of badly, we had definitely parted on better terms. The twenty
questions thing had turned out to be a brilliant move from my side, because when
we werent focusing on him, Edward and I managed to slip into a comfortable,
two-sided conversation.
Edward had surprised me at first, by asking about Tyler. I knew he had been there
at the time, but I hadnt realized he had actually heard the part where the jerk
asked me to the prom. For some reason, it made me feel awkward, and I felt an
almost desperate need to make Edward understand that I wouldnt go anywhere
with Tyler, if he so was the last guy on the planet.
After that, he had kept the topics pretty light, asking about books and music,
which were all kind of innocent and easy questions for me to answer. Sometimes,
Edward would also offer his opinion on the matter, and while it thrilled me to learn
more about him, I wished he would be as willing to share something a little more
personal.
Because every time I got even remotely close, he would close up like a clam.
More than once, I had been tempted to just ask Alice for any details about
Edwards past. I was almost certain that someone had hurt him in some way - it
was pretty obvious by the way he was acting - but I couldnt bring myself to make
any further speculations.
However, I knew deep down that it wasnt Alices place to fill me in. I just needed
to be patient, and hope that Edward would open up to me eventually. But it was
really hard to be patient, when it was so obvious that he was suffering. And what
bothered me even more was the fact that he clearly wasnt talking to anyone.
Fuck! I dont know how to do this shit.

What?
Interacting with people.
Edwards confession had nearly broken my heart, because that was when I finally
understood just how lonely he really was. There was no doubt that he had
originally chosen to isolate himself from the other kids in school to protect
himself, but it still had to hurt to know that everyone thought he was some kind of
a freak.
It made me really upset to think about how not a single soul had bothered trying to
break through his defenses. Or if they had, they obviously hadnt tried hard
enough. That made me think of Alice, the only person I had met so far who
actually did seem to care about Edward. But it was slowly becoming clear to me
that he didnt even trust her, and they had been living in the same house for six
years.
At first, I had been hurt by his obvious hesitation when I had told him that I
wanted us to be friends. But now, as I started to get to know him, I suspected that
his reluctance to let me in had less to do with me as a person, and more with his
personal fears and trust issues.
It all came down to the same fact; I needed to have patience with Edward if I
wanted to be a part of his life.
When he had asked me what this was, obviously referring to the strange bond
between us - which neither of us was able to deny - I wanted to tell Edward how I
really felt about him. The idea was beyond frightening, though, because I had
never felt comfortable expressing my feelings in the past.
This was all new to me; I had never felt anything like this before. An annoying
little voice in my head demanded to know how I could be so certain that what I
felt for Edward was really love. After all, we had not even known each other for a
week.
But somehow, I just knew.
You do know that he cant possibly feel the same way, dont you? Not yet,
anyway. Maybe never.
It hurt to admit, but I was aware of that. Edward and I shared a connection of some

kind, and I knew he had to feel something for me - that much was obvious - but I
wouldnt fool myself into thinking that he actually returned my feelings. But I
would settle for just being his friend, if that meant he would stick around.
In fact, I had a feeling Edward could use a friend more than anything else, whether
he realized it or not.
Id had a silly smile playing on my lips all morning, because I would finally get to
see him again. But while I was pretty excited - who was I kidding, I was
practically bouncing up and down - I was also a little nervous. Edward hadnt
objected when I had shyly hinted that we would see each other at school on
Monday, but he hadnt exactly suggested wed meet up somewhere, either.
The more I thought about it, I realized I had no idea what to expect from him the
next time we would run into each other. Would he even want to talk to me here in
school in front of everybody, including his brother and sister? Would he - or I, for
that matter - be able to handle Alices enthusiasm if she saw us together?
And if Edward wouldnt talk to me, if he chose to simply ignore me when it
wasnt just the two of us, would I be able to deal with the disappointment?
It turned out I didnt have to worry about any of that. Secretly hoping to run into
Edward before my first class would begin, I walked up and down the crowded
corridors, looking in all directions for any sign of him. But he was nowhere to be
seen.
I spent the rest of the morning in a frantic daze, worried that something might have
happened to him, wondering if he was sick, or simply avoiding me. I could see no
reason for the latter, but then again, with Edward, I supposed you could never
know for certain how his mind worked.
When I ran into Alice between classes, I managed to relax a little, because she was
just as enthusiastic and high-spirited as usual, and I doubted she would rant about
the importance of getting her nails done if her brother was in the hospital, or
something equally horrible.
Still, my thoughts kept going back to Edward, and I couldnt seem to focus on
what went on around me. When it was time for lunch, I was so desperate I could
hardly find it in me to care anymore how Alice would react, should she think I was
interested in her brother. So, as I entered the cafeteria, I decided to just ask her very discreetly - if she knew what was going on.
Only I never got the chance, because when I had finally paid for my food and

located Alice and the others, I immediately noticed that she and Emmett were in
the middle of a heated discussion. Slipping into the empty seat between Rosalie
and Jasper, I cleared my throat and waved, somewhat timidly. Hey, guys. Am I
interrupting something?
Hi, Bella. Alice turned to me, a somewhat strained smile on her face. Of course
youre not interrupting, we were just... She stopped with a sigh and turned back
to Emmett, Im sorry, okay? I just dont understand why you didnt tell me about
this sooner.
Oh, I dont know, Alice. I could tell by the tone of Emmetts voice that he was
annoyed. Maybe because its none of your business. Or maybe because it just
didnt occur to me. Its not like its the first time Dad and Edward have had a
quarrel. He rolled his eyes.
I froze at the mention of Edwards name, and held my breath as I waited for
Alices response
She hesitated for a moment, looking at her older brother with large eyes. Do you
know what...?
Emmett shook his head, obviously understanding what Alice was asking.
Something about that woman, Victoria. I dont know, I didnt hear much. Edward
freaked out and took off, and I decided to just stay out of it. Dad seemed pretty
upset.
My heart was suddenly beating wildly in my chest, and I had about a million
questions I wanted to ask, but for some reason, I couldnt get my mouth to form
the words. So I just remained silent, listening to their conversation with a sinking
feeling in my stomach.
Suddenly Rosalie spoke up, sticking a small spoon into a cup of green Jell-O,
Honestly, I feel kinda sorry for your dad. If you ask me, the expression bite off
more than one can chew doesnt seem too far off.
Alice and Emmett both turned their faces towards Rosalie, the same look of
confusion mirroring in their features. And whats that supposed to mean? Alice
wanted to know.
Rosalie shrugged. Nothing. Its just that its always something with Edward.
Obviously not a day goes by without him lashing out at somebody. Maybe your
dad shouldve thought twice before adopting him in the first place.

The table became dead silent. I was absolutely shocked by her heartless words,
and any thoughts I may have had about Rosalie and I becoming friends quickly
went out the window.
How can you say that?! I gasped, the words being out of my mouth before I
could stop myself, and I stared at Rosalie in horror and disbelief. She frowned at
me, obviously taken aback by my strong reaction, and I got the feeling she had
forgotten I was there.
I cast a look at Alice, and was stunned by her furious expression. But it was
Emmett who spoke up, much to my surprise, That was fucking uncalled for,
Rose. I dont wanna hear any shit like that again.
Rosalies face fell, and she gave him a doubtful look. What are you talking about,
Em? You complain about him all the time!
Thats not the point, Emmett muttered. Look, I love you, Rose, but right now,
youre being a bitch. He turned his attention to the food on his plate, picked up a
slice of pizza and took a large bite, then threw it back down with a grimace,
clearly still upset.
Fine. Rosalie dropped her spoon and stood up, her cheeks slightly red as she
glared at him. I apologize, then. Excuse me. She left her lunch tray on the table
and stomped off.
After almost a minute of awkward silence, Alice glanced at Emmett. Are you
gonna go after her? she asked, quietly.
Emmett shook his head. Not right now. He shoved some more food into his
mouth, although he didnt seem to be enjoying it.
Hey, Bella? I was unable to hide my surprise when Jasper suddenly addressed
me, and I gave him a questioning look, realizing it had to be the first time he was
speaking to me directly. Im gonna get some more pizza. Would you like to join
me?
His intentions were painfully obvious, so I just nodded in agreement, following
him across the cafeteria without objection. When he turned to me with a polite
smile, I sighed. Look, Jasper, it doesnt take a genius to see what youre doing. If
you want me to leave you guys alone, I can just... I shrugged, trying not to feel
hurt, go sit somewhere else.
No, Bella. Jasper put his hand on my arm, as if to prevent me from leaving. I

can see why youd think that, but Im not trying to get rid of you or anything. Just
humor me, please. You and I will stay here for a couple of minutes, giving those
two a chance to vent some stuff and cool off. Then well go back there together. Is
that okay with you?
I guess so. Sure. I bit my lip, not sure what to think.
Jasper was quiet for a moment before he spoke up, calmly, Rosalie upset you. It
was a state of fact, not a question.
I almost snorted, thinking it had to be the understatement of the year, because I
was way past upset. Yes. Very much, actually, I admitted.
He nodded in understanding. I dont blame you. But you should know that she
doesnt really mean any harm. Shes just... He hesitated as he searched for the
right word. Well, let me put it this way. Ive known the Cullens for years.
Rosalie only started dating Emmett last semester. I guess you could say she just
doesnt have -
I interrupted him, not even trying to keep the sarcasm out of my voice, Human
emotions?
Jaspers mouth twitched, like he was trying not to laugh. Actually, I was gonna
say the back story. Sometimes, its easy to get caught up in rumors, especially if
you only get to hear one side.
Do you? My mouth suddenly felt dry, and I swallowed as I clarified, Do you
have the back story, Jasper?
His expression turned cautious, almost guarded. The back story on the Cullens?
Or are you talking about Edward? When I didnt respond, Jasper threw a look
over his shoulder. I think we can go back now.
Whos Victoria? I blurted out, crossing my arms over my chest and trying to
look more confident than I really was.
To my astonishment, Jasper actually smiled a little. Alice was right about you,
was all he offered in explanation before he turned around and started heading
back. When I remained where I was, staring after him in confusion, he stopped and
let out an exaggerated sigh. Come on, Bella, he called out softly in my direction.
And I found myself obeying.

*~*~*
As I headed for my next class - which happened to be Biology - my mood had
dropped even more. Like I really needed another reminder of Edwards absence.
When Jasper and I had returned to the table in the cafeteria, I quietly asked Alice if
everything was okay. She exchanged a look with Jasper, clearly pleased with what
she saw there, and then whispered to me that I didnt have to worry - Edward took
off all the time and would be just fine. Too embarrassed to say anything else, I
turned my attention to my untouched food and pretended to be busy eating.
Hey, Bella, wait up!
I realized Mike Newton must have spotted me from across the hallway - where he
had been standing talking to Jessica Stanley - and saw him hurrying towards me in
his eager to catch me before I would enter the classroom.
And to think that I had been so close...
Oh, hi, Mike. I tried to act surprised as he came up behind me. I didnt see
you.
He gave me a huge grin. Want me to carry those books for you? Looks kinda
heavy.
Oh, please!
I forced a smile. Thanks, but thats really not necessary. Look, Im late for class,
so-
Mike cut me off, Of course, but I just wanna ask you something. Itll only take a
minute.
No...
He took a deep breath. Listen, Bella, I was wondering if you...
Dont say it!
...if you would consider going to the prom with me?
Okay, just when did my life turn into a big cosmic joke?

Seeing the hopeful look on his face, I didnt have the heart to tell him what was
really on my mind. I sighed. Oh, thanks for asking, but Im not going. Im kinda
busy that night. Sorry. I quickly mumbled a see you later and slipped into the
classroom before he could object. Then I stopped dead in my tracks.
Edward was sitting behind our table in the back, facing my direction. Our eyes
met, and I let out a soft gasp as the rest of the world ceased to exist.
That was when someone bumped into me from behind, and I dropped all the books
I was carrying. Humiliation welled over me as I could hear a girl - sounding
suspiciously like Lauren Mallory - muttering something about clumsy people
blocking the doorway. Those who were close enough to hear her comment started
giggling.
Gathering my books with flushed cheeks, I then made my way across the room
and slipped into my seat. I could feel Edward watching me, but when I finally
dared to look at him, he immediately averted his eyes. I took a deep breath. Hi.
Edward glanced at me, merely nodding in response. However, I had come to know
him well enough by now not to take his seemingly cold behavior personally. I
hesitated for a moment before I spoke up again in a low voice, Where were you?
Ive been looking for you.
He looked a little surprised, but didnt offer me any kind of explanation. Instead he
just shrugged. Im here now.
I can see that. I fought the urge to roll my eyes as I added, quietly, Are you
okay?
Mr. Banner entered the classroom before Edward got a chance to answer - not that
I could be certain he was actually going to in the first place - and I sighed deeply
as the silence filled the room. But I refused to give up. So I tore off a blank page
from my notebook, wrote a short message and slid the note across the table, just
like Edward must have done the other day without me noticing.
And then I waited.
I couldnt bring myself to look and see if he would actually pick it up and read it,
so I kept my eyes straight ahead, pretending to be listening to the teacher. But
when I finally couldnt take it anymore, I peeked carefully in Edwards direction.
He seemed to be busy taking notes, and my heart sank.
Then my eyes landed on the note, now tucked in half way under my biology book.

My hands were trembling as I quietly unfolded it. And then I couldnt keep the
smile of relief from spreading on my face.
My message had been short; I had a really good time the other day.
His response was even shorter; Me too.
Suppressing the urge to giggle like a little girl, I settled for peeking at Edward
again, and my heart skipped a beat when I caught him staring back at me. We then
spent the next thirty minutes in silence, only to sneak a shy glance at each other
every once in a while.
When the bell finally rang, Edward and I left the classroom together, like it was
the most natural thing in the world. Although a part of me really wanted to ask him
about this morning, assuring him again that I was here if he ever needed to talk, I
sensed that now wasnt the time. Instead I cleared my throat, and gave him a soft
smile. So, whats your next class?
Edward scratched his head. English. But I wasnt... He stopped himself,
suddenly looking embarrassed.
I couldnt help my curiosity. What?
He shrugged, clearly uncomfortable. Wasnt planning on going.
Oh. I wanted to ask why, but something made me decide against it. So I just
nodded in acceptance. Well, I have Gym. Ugh! I hate it.
Why am I not surprised? Edward actually snickered. Guess you fall down a lot,
huh? Ever hurt anyone else in the process?
I mock glared at him, which only seemed to add to his amusement.
Occasionally, I admitted, rolling my eyes as I recalled accidentally hitting
Jessica Stanley over the head with a badminton racket on my first day here at
Forks High.
Yeah, well, I... Edward started, but was interrupted by Mike Newton who was
suddenly standing in front of us, looking between me and Edward with a scowl on
his face.
Seriously, Bella? Mike gave me an incredulous look. Dont tell me hes the
reason you just gave me the brush-off? He eyed Edward briefly, before letting out
a snort of dismissal, and turned back to me. Really, I wouldve thought youd be

aiming a bit higher than that.

I could see how Edwards eyes darkened, and he clenched his fists.
Crap!

Chapter 16
BPOV
Edwards eyes narrowed dangerously as he took a step towards Mike - the moron
actually had the nerve to smirk - and I watched the scene playing out in horror,
knowing this would end badly if I didnt do something, and fast. At first, I hadnt
known whether to scream in frustration or cry of disappointment, because things
had been okay - maybe even more than okay - and then Mike had to show up and
destroy everything by acting like an idiot.
But now, I realized that my frustration and disappointment had gotten replaced by
blind fury. I was pissed. Off.
Just who the hell do you think you are?! I demanded, glaring angrily at Mike.
You have no right talking to me like this. Ive never promised you anything, and
if you think youre gonna win me over by behaving like an ass and insulting my
friends, then youre even more stupid than I thought. In fact, you owe both of us
an apology.
I glanced at Edward, at first relieved to notice that he had stopped and was now
watching me in silence, his face a mixture of surprise and wonder. Then a wave of
sadness came over me. Had he really expected me not to stand up for him? Did
Edward actually think I was going to just stand here and let Mike imply that he
was any less of a person?
Edwards stunned expression told me that he had. And the realization made me
feel sick.
It suddenly hit me that I was less upset with Edwards obvious lack of faith in me,
and more by the discovery that he was actually surprised by my anger towards
Mike. Because in that moment, it was painfully clear to me that he didnt consider
himself worthy of being defended in the first place.

And my heart broke all over again.

Mike looked slightly taken aback by my outburst, but quickly recovered. I guess I
was wrong about you, Bella. We all make mistakes, I suppose. But I never
wouldve pictured you as a person who would willingly be socializing with trash.
After that, everything happened very fast.
I barely got the chance to react before Edward threw himself at Mike, slamming
him into the line of lockers behind him. A crunching sound was heard as Edwards
fist connected with Mikes nose, and I involuntarily winced. Then I snapped out of
it.
Edward, please, stop it, hes not worth it! I cried out in desperation, intending to
grab his arm and pull him back when I remembered how Edward had reacted the
last time I touched him. I didnt want to put him through that again, but I was
starting to panic. Edward, come on! I pleaded, terrified that some teacher - or
even worse; the principal - would happen to walk by.
But Edward kept pounding on Mike, not giving him a chance to defend himself,
and people were starting to gather around us in morbid curiosity. However, no one
made any attempt of stepping in, and I was just about to say hell with it and pull
Edward away, regardless of what his reaction would be, because I couldnt stand
the idea of him getting in trouble because of that jerk - Mike Newton.
That was when rescue arrived, from a most unexpected savior. Thats enough,
Edward, knock it off! I recognized Emmetts booming voice before I saw him, as
he barged through the crowd of people and hurried towards us. Horrifying images
of Edward freaking out as Emmett pulled him off of Mike flashed through my
mind, and I could barely stand to watch.
But, instead of grabbing Edward like I had expected, Emmett swiftly moved
forward and pushed Mike - not too gently, I might add - out of the way, then firmly
placed himself in the middle before Edward got the chance to reach Mikes now
huddled form on the floor. I held my breath as Edward blinked in confusion and
lowered his fists, although the fury never left his eyes.
I said, thats enough, Emmett stated with a slight edge to his voice, although I
could tell that he was struggling to remain calm. He gave Edward a pointed look.
You wouldnt wanna risk getting suspended again now, would you?
It wasnt his fault. I took a step forward, not really daring to hope it was over.
Emmett turned his eyes to me, frowning, like he hadnt noticed I was there. He

opened his mouth, but stopped as Mike started scrambling to his feet.
You were here the whole time, Bella. You saw how he attacked me for no reason.
Hell, I think my nose is broken! Mike coughed and wiped his hand under his
nose, grimacing when he noticed the blood. I quickly averted my eyes, feeling my
stomach turn.
Then his words registered and I gave him an incredulous look, any sign of nausea
completely forgotten. Are you kidding me? You totally provoked him! I wouldve
punched you myself if he hadnt beaten me to it. I realized it was true, and wasnt
sure whether to feel proud or horrified.
Mikes eyes widened slightly at my words - I could see the wheels turning in his
head as his eyes went to the crowd of students surrounding us - clearly considering
his options. Then he obviously decided it wasnt worth the humiliation of sticking
around, and quickly fled the scene with the tail between his legs.
All right, everybody - shows over, now get the hell out of here! Emmett called
out to our unwanted audience in a loud voice, and I was beyond relieved to note
that most of them seemed to listen, because the hallway was quickly cleared out. A
moment later, only a handful of people remained, and, although some of them kept
throwing looks in our direction, they seemed to be losing interest pretty fast.
Clearly pleased to be accepted as the voice of authority, Emmett then turned to
Edward with a serious - and somewhat concerned - expression. Look, I... he
started hesitantly, but Edward cut him off.
Not. A. Fucking. Word, he hissed out between gritted teeth, a warning note in
his voice. Then he threw a brief glance in my direction, looking as if he was going
to say something, then let out a frustrated sigh and stormed off before I could stop
him.
Edward, wait, I pleaded, but it was already too late. He was gone.
I wouldve followed, but Emmett stepped in my way, preventing me from leaving.
Bella, wait a minute. You shouldnt-
Shouldnt what? I interrupted him, my voice suddenly cold. Act like I care,
unlike the rest of the idiots in this town?
For a moment, Emmett looked surprised, and a little hurt. Then he sighed. Fine you care. I dont have a problem with that. But theres no point in going after him
right now. Hes pissed, and hell just take it out on you.

So what if he does? I gave him a hard look. Is that your way of handling the
situation? Just stay out of his way, so he wont lash out at you?
I thought I saw a flash of guilt in his eyes, but I couldnt be certain. Then his
expression changed, and he looked angry. Who are you to judge me? Huh? I
dont mean to be rude, Bella, but you dont know me. And you certainly dont
know Edward. If you did, youd realize this is what he does best - running away
from his fucking problems. And when he does, you dont go looking for him.
The sinking feeling in my stomach told me that he was right. They were all so
used to Edward pushing everybody away and running off that they didnt even
bother anymore. I suddenly recalled Alice explaining to me, at lunch, how Edward
took off all the time. And she had seemed okay with that, like it was just a simple
fact she had no choice but to accept.
Maybe it was true. Maybe Edward did run away from his problems.
I decided it was time for someone to finally defy all the stupid rules, and run after
him.
*~*~*
EPOV
It was never just raining; as usual in Forks, it was pouring. I had spent most of the
morning driving around in my car, and when I finally parked the Volvo at the far
end of the school parking lot, it was almost past lunch time. A part of me
stubbornly kept insisting that I just wanted a change of scenery, and would rather
spend the afternoon at school than at home.
Which was all, of course, a fat load of bullshit.
The only reason I strode through the long corridors until I reached the right
classroom, quickly crossing the room while ignoring the hostile - and sometimes
curious - looks from my class mates and finally sat down behind the lab table in
the back, was so I would get to see Bella.
When she finally entered the classroom, our eyes met, and - as strange as it may
sound - I could swear I just felt a wave of complete and utter peace coming over
me, filling me up from the inside like a warm blanket. In that moment, as our eyes
stayed locked on each other, everything that had happened since that morning; the

fucking phone call, my spat with Carlisle, it all just disappeared.

I had no plans of sticking around after class was dismissed, but I hadnt intended
to practically admit to Bella that she was the fucking reason I had even bothered to
show up in Biology in the first place. Thankfully, she seemed to notice my
embarrassment and take pity on me, because she let it go.
Once again, we managed to slip into a comfortable conversation, until we got
interrupted by that fucking asshole - Mike Newton.
Newton usually stayed out of my way, but, seeing how he had obviously had his
eyes set on Bella, he just had to open his fucking mouth. Seriously, Bella? Dont
tell me hes the reason you just gave me the brush-off?
Normally, my tolerance might have been a bit higher, but my anger and frustration
from the events of this morning were still lingering just beneath the surface. I took
a threatening step towards him, only to stop in my tracks when Bella spoke up. To
my astonishment, she seemed to be just as furious as I was, and she wasnt afraid
of voicing her opinion.
Not only did she literally call him an ass, she also insisted that he should
apologize. To both of us. I realized I was staring at Bella in disbelief, but I
couldnt help myself. The thought of someone standing up for me to anyone - let
alone someone as popular as Newton - was as foreign to me as the idea of taking
up fucking space traveling.
I knew, of course, that Newton would never apologize to someone like me. Nor
would he just let the matter drop and walk away. But his next words made me see
red. I guess I was wrong about you, Bella. We all make mistakes, I suppose. But I
never wouldve pictured you as a person who would willingly be socializing with
trash.
Something in me just snapped, and I launched myself at the bastard, slamming my
fist right into his face. While the sound of his nose breaking under my knuckles
was satisfying in a way, it wasnt nearly enough, so I kept delivering blow after
blow to his face, only vaguely aware of Bellas voice, pleading with me to stop.
However, I was too far gone to listen.
Suddenly someone jumped in between me and Newton, and it took a moment
before my mind registered that it was Emmett. I stared at him in bewilderment,
realizing that he had shoved the fucker out of the way and was now watching me
with an almost wary expression. I said, thats enough. You wouldnt wanna risk

getting suspended again now, would you?

Of course he had to remind me of what a complete screw-up I was. I bet he just
loved to rub it in. Yes, I had gotten in trouble before. Many times. And it would
most likely happen again. As Mike finally took off - like the pathetic little coward
he was - and Emmett turned back to me, obviously about to say something, I cut
him off, Not. A. Fucking. Word.
That was when I realized that Bella was still around. Although she had actually
defended me in front of practically the whole school a moment ago, I figured she
had to be appalled by my violent behavior. I opened my mouth, then closed it
again, having no idea what to say. Then I decided that I didnt want to stick around
and see the disappointment in her eyes, and left without a word.
*~*~*
I had made it as far as to the other end of the parking lot when I heard the sound of
running feet behind me, and Bellas voice calling out my name; Edward, please,
just wait!
Having finally reached my car, eager to get inside and just drive off, I reluctantly
turned around, gave her a blank look before letting out a sigh of defeat. What are
you doing here, Bella?
She carefully approached me, only to stop a few feet away. Where are you
going?
You didnt answer my fucking question. I pulled out the key to my car and
pushed the button to unlock the doors, but something kept me from stepping
inside.
Bella raised a brow, expectantly. I will, if you answer mine.
For a moment, we just looked at each other. Then I sighed again. Where am I
going? Away from here.
She nodded in understanding, then bit her lip, looking a little nervous. Can I
come?
I frowned. You dont even know where the fuck Im going. Why would you
wanna come?

Because youll be there, Bella responded immediately, then lowered her eyes,
and I could see her cheeks turning slightly pink. When I remained silent, she
shrugged and mumbled, Which kind of also answers your question about why
Im here. She finally raised her eyes to mine.
I wanted to say something, I really did. But my mind was suddenly completely
blank, and I felt like my head was spinning. So, I just stepped around the car and
opened the door to the passenger seat, holding it open while never taking my eyes
away from Bella. When she just looked at me in confusion, I rolled my eyes and
motioned for her to get in.
Her face lit up, and her genuinely grateful smile nearly took my breath away. As
she slipped past me into the car, her shoulder brushed against mine, and I didnt
even tense up until I had closed the door behind her and realized what had just
happened.
Was I getting used to being close to Bella? And more importantly; was it actually
starting not to bother me? I wasnt totally convinced, but in that moment, it felt
like - at least maybe - I was getting there. And I didnt know if that should make
me thrilled, or terrified.
For the next ten minutes, we were driving in silence. But for some reason, there
was nothing uncomfortable, or awkward, about it. Bella never once asked me
where we were going, nor did she attempt to start a conversation, much to my
relief. I didnt offer anything either, and she seemed to be perfectly okay with that.
When we had finally reached our destination - and I hadnt even realized that was
where Id been heading all along - I parked the car and turned off the engine. I
could feel Bella watching me, curiously, but she remained silent as I unbuckled my
seat belt. She only hesitated for a moment before doing the same.
I stepped out of the car, intending to go around and open the door for Bella, but by
the time I had reached the passenger side, she had already stepped out as well and
was facing the unbroken forest in front of us. She glanced at me, suddenly looking
a little uncertain.
This way. I started into the dark forest without waiting to see if she would
follow, feeling a little annoyed, although I wasnt sure why.
Hesitating briefly, Bella then hurried to catch up with me. Isnt there a trail or
something? There was a slight hint of panic in her voice, which for some reason
only seemed to add to my irritation.

Yeah. I didnt turn to look at her. There is. But were not taking it. I thought I
heard her take a deep breath, and waited for a stream of objections. But it didnt
come. Instead she just kept walking silently next to me, until she almost stumbled
on a fallen tree branch.
Amazingly enough, she managed to stay on her feet, but I still came to a halt and
gave her a look of concern, my irrational anger gone as quickly as it had appeared.
Are you okay? Bella just nodded. Suddenly, I felt a bit bad for bringing her here.
Still, she had been the one insisting to come along.
As if youre not relieved out of your fucking mind that she did. Stop being a prick!
I sighed and asked, Do you want to go home? knowing I would take her back in
an instant, should she ask me to.
No. She shook her head, firmly. But Im not a very good hiker. Youll have to
be patient with me.
I can be patient - if I make a great effort, I responded quietly, realizing it came
out a bit lighter than I had expected.
Bella gave me a somewhat hesitant smile. Promise me you wont let me fall?
Suddenly unable to find my voice, I merely nodded. And the relief - and complete
trust - showing in Bellas eyes in that moment touched me more than I was ready
to admit. Her smile widened as she picked up the pace, and we kept walking in
silence as my mind pondered the full extent of her words.
It had stopped raining, and the sun was actually peeking out behind the clouds - a
quite unusual sight here in Forks. I couldnt help but think of it as some kind of
sign. Of course, I wasnt really sure of what the sign was for. As I led the way
through the last fringe of ferns and finally stepped out into the small meadow, I
cast a look at Bella over my shoulder. Were here.

Chapter 17
BPOV
The meadow was without doubt one of the loveliest places I had ever seen. I

looked around in awe, counting at least half a dozen different kinds of

wildflowers. The sun was shining, warming the air, and I found myself longing to
take off my shoes and feel the soft grass under my bare feet. As I looked closer, I
noticed the grass was still wet from the rain, and the sun made the small drops of
water sparkle like diamonds.
I walked slowly through the long grass, just basking in the beauty of nature
surrounding me. Then I turned, expecting Edward to be just behind me, and
realized I was alone. I panicked for a brief moment, until I spotted him, still
standing in the dense shade of the trees at the edge of the small meadow, watching
me with a somewhat cautious look on his face.
As I started heading back towards him, I gave him a soft smile. Its beautiful. So
quiet. How did you know about this place?
He shrugged, looking down at his feet. I come here sometimes, was all he
offered in explanation, and I got the feeling there was more to it than he was
willing to tell me, like this place was special to him in some way I had yet to
comprehend.
And it hit me then how grateful I was towards him for bringing me here. I opened
my mouth to tell him so, when I suddenly became aware of the bubbling, almost
musical sound of water nearby. My eyes darted around the meadow as I,
unsuccessfully, tried to locate the source of the sound. Is there a spring or
something close by? I think I hear water.
Edward nodded. Just a small one. See the bushes over there? He pointed
towards some shrubs growing at the far side of the meadow. I nodded. Its just
behind them. He hesitated for a moment. Wanna see?
Sure. I followed Edward as he started walking, slipping out of my jacket and
tying it around my waist. Somehow, he seemed a little bit more relaxed out here,
away from the outside world. I couldnt help but wonder what would happen when
we eventually had to return. A part of me just wanted to stay here forever.
Lost in my thoughts, I almost walked right into Edward when he suddenly
stopped, abruptly. What- I started, but he held up a hand to stop me.
Dont move. Look. He spoke in a low voice, slowly taking a step to the side,
revealing a small stream of water less that thirty feet away. Standing on the other
side was a small deer, barely more than a fawn. I gasped, watching the animal in
fascination.

In the next moment, I accidentally stepped on a twig, and silently cursed as the
deer finally spotted us. Edward and I simultaneously took a step back, but it was
too late. It only took a second before the deer bolted back into the forest. I let out
the breath I had been holding, and pouted. Crap. I didnt mean to scare him.
Im sure hell be back when we leave. Edward shrugged, looking a little
uncomfortable, and I found it quite endearing how he obviously tried to make me
feel better about it.
I guess. That was cool, though; Ive never seen one so close before. I smiled as I
eagerly made my way over to the spring. Putting my jacket down on the wet grass,
I carefully sat down, leaning slightly forward so I could run my fingers through
the water. Then I shivered, immediately pulling my hand back. Okay, thats cold.
Edward let out a small chuckle. I couldve told you that. I glanced at him. He
seemed to hesitate for a moment, then slowly headed over towards me. I lowered
my eyes to the grass and pulled up a few blades, just to keep my hands busy and
stop them from shaking. Because he was so close to me now; I was aware of his
every move without even looking.
Mimicking my actions, Edward shrugged out of his jacket and dropped it on the
ground, a couple of feet away from me. Then he just stood there for almost a
minute, before finally sitting down as well. I had to force myself to sit absolutely
still, because all of the sudden, I feared that even the slightest movement from my
side would cause him to retreat.
We sat there in silence for at least five minutes, until I couldnt take it anymore
and spoke up, quietly, Im really glad you brought me here. He cast a brief look
in my direction before turning his gaze back to the water in front of us. I waited
for him to say something, but he remained silent.
I held back a sigh. A part of me felt like I should just stay quiet, waiting for
Edward to make the next move. But I went on, nevertheless, Do you come here a
lot?
He kept his eyes straight ahead. Sometimes, he mumbled, absently, and I wished
I knew what he was thinking, because I was at a complete loss for what to do. The
way I saw it, after giving it a moments consideration, I had three options.
I could just remain silent, waiting for Edward to finally crack and start talking.
However, it might take hours, and while I wouldnt mind the slightest to be here
with him for that long, I knew that Charlie would expect me to have dinner ready
by the time he got home from work.

Or I could start talking about myself, or whatever safe subject I could come up
with to get him to ease up around me. But I kind of felt like we had already played
that game. And deep down, I knew I wasnt doing Edward any favors by beating
around the bush for too long. I also couldnt help but think that he had brought me
here for a reason, which probably didnt include listening to my babbling.
That left only one alternative. I could ask him, straight out, what was on his mind.
In a way, it seemed like the least appealing option of them all, because I could
never fully predict just how Edward would react to my questioning him. And at
the same time - more than anything - I just wanted to know what was going on in
his head.
God, I suck at this!
At what? Edwards voice snapped me out of my self criticism, and I realized - to
my great horror - that I had spoken the last part out loud.
Huh? I felt like my head was spinning as I searched my mind for some way to
explain my statement, and came up blank.
He frowned at my reaction. You just said you suck at this. What did you mean?
At least now we were talking. I sighed, and then decided to just put my cards on
the table, once and for all. Theres so much stuff I wanna ask you, but Im afraid
youll get mad at me, and leave. There; I had said it. I held my breath as I waited
to see how he would react to my confession.
He was quiet for so long, I feared that he simply wouldnt respond at all. Finally
he spoke up, quietly, I wont leave.
My heart started beating faster. Would you mind if I ask you something?
Would you mind if I dont answer? he threw back at me, but there was no
sarcasm behind his words; he was dead serious. I shook my head, not really liking
it, but knowing I had to at least give him that much if I ever wanted him to offer
something in return. He raised a brow, clearly unsure whether or not I actually
meant it. I just calmly met his gaze, hoping he could tell that I was being sincere.
He finally seemed content to have a way out, should he need one. Still, I could tell
by his stiff posture - not to mention the reluctant tone of his voice - that he wasnt
really comfortable and seemed to have a hard time getting the words out. What
do you want to know?

I opened my mouth, then closed it again, knowing perfectly well that I should
choose my words very carefully. But where to even begin? When I finally spoke
up, I realized I was taking a huge risk, Why dont you want me to touch you?
Edward tensed up, visibly, and my heart sank as I waited for him to tell me he
wasnt going to answer, or to simply close up again. But it didnt happen. He
glanced at me, and I could see the conflict in his eyes as he clearly struggled to
figure out what to do. Then he looked away. Its not you, he finally mumbled.
I had already figured as much, but it was a relief to hear, all the same. As I waited
for Edward to elaborate, I didnt miss how his hands were trembling, and I
suddenly felt horrible for pressing him for answers he so obviously wasnt ready to
share. Still, he had yet to tell me to back off. If he did, I would do so. Until then, I
really didnt want to let the matter drop.
But I couldnt stop the guilt from welling up inside me as I noticed his obvious
discomfort. I was pushing him again, when I had promised myself I wouldnt. That
was when it hit me that Edwards reluctance to talk about himself and his past
might have less to do with his inability to trust me, and more with the fact that he
was simply too ashamed, although I didnt understand why.
Suddenly I felt an almost desperate need to assure him that it would be okay; that
he could talk to me and I wouldnt judge him. But the huge lump in my throat
made it impossible for me to get the words out. So I remained silent, waiting.
When almost a minute had passed, I finally dared to speak again, softly, Its okay.
We dont have to do this.
He didnt respond, nor did he make any indication that he had even heard me.
Suddenly he seemed to be miles away, and I had no idea how to get him back. I
wasnt stupid; I realized he had to be trapped in whatever horrible memories
haunting him. And once again, my heart went out to him.
God, what happened to him?
Edward? I tried, very quietly, not wanting to startle him. But I was both
surprised and relieved when he immediately turned his eyes to me. However,
something about his distant expression told me that he still wasnt fully with me. I
silently cursed myself, knowing it was my fault.
But how will I ever be able to help him, if I dont know whats going on?
All of the sudden, he seemed so utterly lost, and I just wanted to comfort him; find

some way to take away his pain. But I didnt know how, since I couldnt touch
him, and my words obviously werent enough to calm his inner turmoil. That was
when I suddenly recalled the other day, outside my house, when I was sitting on
the ground and Edward had finally taken my hand and pulled me up on my feet.
Slowly, the pieces were starting to fall into place, or at least I had my suspicions.
Edward didnt want people touching him; in fact, whenever I got too close, he
flinched away, like he feared the mere contact would scorch him. More than once,
he had told me - quite fiercely - not to touch him.
And yet, he had taken my hand. Also, he had been the one who caught me when I
passed out - Alice had filled me in yesterday, when I talked to her on the phone.
Not to mention that he hadnt seemed the least bit bothered by the physical contact
when he punched Mike repeatedly in the face.
Watching him thoughtfully, I wondered what would happen if I just reached out to
him again. Of course, I could be wrong in my speculations, but I decided I didnt
have anything to lose by trying. So I held Edwards gaze as I slowly scooted a
little closer, lifted my hand, and held it out towards him.
I could see how his eyes widened, darting suspiciously between my outstretched
hand and my face. In that moment, I couldnt help but feel like I was approaching
a frightened animal. Somehow, I managed to hold my hand completely still,
although I was pretty certain it was just a matter of seconds before it would start
shaking, uncontrollably.
Time suddenly seemed to be standing still, and I got the irrational feeling that the
entire meadow was holding its breath, waiting to see how my bold move would
play out. As I was sitting there on the grass, holding my hand out in a silent
invitation and praying Edward would accept it, nothing else existed in the world
but the two of us. School, Charlie, dinner; it was all just gone.
I didnt know if hours had passed, or if it was just minutes, when Edward finally
raised his own hand, never taking his eyes away from my face. Like in slow
motion, I watched him hesitantly reach out towards me, and I realized I had
stopped breathing. I felt like my fingers were being pulled helplessly towards his,
like two magnets, until they finally met.
This time, there was no jolt of electricity, no burning sensation as Edwards fingers
interlocked with mine, our palms pressed gently together. This time, I felt like I
had just found my way home. I heard Edward let out a shuddering breath.
Very slowly, I started rubbing the back of his hand with my thumb, fully prepared

to stop should he show the slightest sign of being uncomfortable. When he didnt
protest, I gave his hand a soft squeeze. I wont hurt you, I whispered, repeating
my words from the other day.
His Adams apple bobbed slightly, and it took a while before he responded, his
voice barely more than a whisper, I know.
We just sat there quietly for a while, my thumb still running tenderly over his
knuckles, until I spoke up again, softly, But someone did. It wasnt a question;
he didnt have to say anything. In that moment, his silence would have spoken
more than a thousand words.
So, I was stunned when he did answer, his voice thick as he stared down at our
intertwined hands, Yes.
I swallowed hard, blinking back the tears as my suspicions were confirmed. There
was a part of me that wished I could have just stayed oblivious. And at the same
time, I was grateful to finally know for sure. I tightened my grip on Edwards
hand, about to tell him how sorry I was. But then I hesitated, as something told me
he would just mistake my words for pity.
More than anything, I wished I could just put my arms around him, hold him close
and never let go. But I knew it was way too soon for such an intimate move. So I
just kept caressing his hand, glancing at him as I asked, softly, Will you tell me
about it?
Edward froze for a moment, although - to my great joy and relief - he didnt pull
away from me. But he shook his head. Not now.
Okay. In all honesty, I was a little relieved. Because, deep down, I doubted I was
ready to hear it. I bit my lip. Some day?
He didnt answer at first. Then he shrugged. Maybe.
It wasnt a yes. But it wasnt a no, either. I could live with that, for now. Somehow,
at the moment, I felt like it was enough just that I knew. And Edward was still
here, holding my hand. For some reason, that alone seemed like such a huge step.
And my hand felt so right in his, I knew I never wanted to let go.
For another couple of minutes, we sat in silence. Then we both jumped slightly at
the shrill sound of Edwards cellphone, disturbing the quiet. He hesitated, then
gave me an apologetic look before dropping my hand, and pulled the phone out of
his pocket with a sigh. Then his eyes narrowed, and he let out a groan. Alice,

was all he said in explanation.

I raised a brow in question when he did no attempt of answering. Arent you
gonna find out what she wants?
Edward shrugged. Whatever it is, it can wait.
We both waited for the ringing to stop, but it just went on. Knowing how persistent
Alice could be, I barely managed to hide my amusement. Maybe its really
important.
Clearly annoyed, Edward rolled his eyes and flicked the phone open. What?! He
listened for a moment. What do you mean, where are you? Thats not... Then
he stopped, and I watched how his expression changed. Are you fucking kidding
me?! He closed his eyes for a moment, and I could tell that he was having a hard
time to control his temper.
Suddenly I was starting to get really anxious, because whatever news he had just
received, it was obviously not good. Edward spoke heatedly into the phone for
about a minute or so, and I was surprised when I heard him mentioning my name.
But before I could ponder about what it meant, he shoved the phone back down in
his pocket and cursed, loudly. Fuck!
Whats wrong? I was unable to keep the concern out of my voice.
Edward ran his hands through his hair, obviously frustrated, then shook his head.
Gotta go, he finally muttered as he scrambled to his feet and grabbed his jacket.
Wait! I jumped up as well, feeling the panic welling up inside me. Whats
going on?
He pinched the bridge of his nose. Im in fucking trouble.

Chapter 18
EPOV
I shouldve seen it coming, with Bella being all nervous and stuttering, wanting to
know if she could ask me something. The fact that she felt the need to ask for my
permission in the first place - and not just blurt out whatever she wanted to know -

told me that she already knew I wouldnt like where she was going.
But she had promised me I didnt have to answer, so I took a deep breath and
forced the words out, What do you want to know?
Although I had been preparing myself for the worst, I was still taken aback when
she asked me why I didnt want her to touch me. Not that it surprised me that she
had noticed; shed have to be crazy not to, but it was a question no one had ever
asked me before.
For a moment, I seriously considered just telling Bella I didnt want to talk about
it, mostly because I had no idea how to do that without spilling my whole fucking
life story, and that was not going to happen. But then I looked at her, and was
overwhelmed by the genuine concern I saw in her eyes. It suddenly hit me that she
might actually think she was the reason, and that thought bothered me more than I
liked to admit.
Suddenly unable to face her, I lowered my eyes. Its not you, I admitted quietly,
not really daring to hope Bella would simply take my words for it and leave it at
that. In all honesty, I knew she wasnt deliberately trying to push me, or make me
feel uncomfortable. She just wanted to know, wanted to understand. And while a
part of me still couldnt figure out why she even cared, I was grateful, all the same.
I wasnt used to people caring, asking me questions like this. Carlisle and Esme
knew all about my past, and I knew they actually did care about me. But it was not
the same thing. Although they had both tried to assure me, countless times over the
years, that they loved me every bit as much as they loved Alice and Emmett, I
knew the reason they had adopted me in the first place could only be pity.
But, somehow, it was different with Bella. She didnt know what happened to me.
She didnt treat me like some fucking charity case, or like the school freak. I had
been a complete ass to her when we first met, and she still wanted to get to know
me, still wanted to be my friend. And it fucking terrified me how fast she was able
to break down the walls I had spent years building up around me.
I wasnt completely oblivious, nor was I stupid. I realized I was unstable,
damaged, broken - all caused by my fucking childhood; years and years of abuse,
both mental and physical. I knew it wasnt normal to shut people out the way I did,
nor was the fact that I couldnt stand anyone touching me without feeling
threatened, not to mention physically ill.
But I just didnt know anything else. When I first came to stay with Carlisle and
Esme, they had been careful around me, attempting to give me all the space I

needed to feel safe around them. But as the time went by, they tried to show me
their love and support, going almost overboard to make me feel like a part of their
family. And I knew they had to be disappointed when I just couldnt fully accept it.
It may sound irrational, but the way I figured, it wouldnt be right for them to love
me. Because I was not capable of loving them back. Love was not an emotion I
was familiar with; as far as I remembered, my real mother had never once showed
me any kind of affection.
Carlisle had once tried to explain to me that she was sick; that something in her
head made her unable to connect with me the way a mother should. But I couldnt
really accept that as the explanation, seeing how she never seemed to have a
problem connecting with James.
The way I saw it, it had to be because of me.
Edward? Bellas soft voice snapped me out of my disturbing thoughts, and I
turned towards her with a frown. She just watched me for a moment, an
unreadable expression on her face, and I started to feel self-conscious. Then, still
looking me right in the eyes, she slowly reached out her hand.
Somehow, I managed to resist the impulse to scoot backwards, as my mind
instinctively told me to get away from the potential danger. But there was nothing
threatening about Bellas silent approach. She didnt even attempt to touch me; she
just held her hand out to me, letting me know with her eyes that it was up to me
whether or not I was going to accept it.
And that was when I knew I would.
Still, it took a couple of minutes before I could actually bring myself to raise my
hand, and I kept my eyes locked on Bellas face the whole time, suddenly fearing
she would just disappear into thin air the moment our fingers actually met. I
realized it was stupid - and not really rational - but a part of me couldnt help but
think that maybe this wasnt really happening, maybe it was all just a part of some
dream.
Then again, it didnt seem likely, seeing how my dreams were never this pleasant.
My hand suddenly seemed to move by itself, slowly and tentatively, until it finally
found Bellas. I exhaled, somewhat shakily, as her fingers gently laced through
mine. Then she started stroking the back of my hand with her thumb, so tenderly
that I felt tears stinging my eyes. I wont hurt you, she mumbled, and I knew she
was telling the truth.

A moment later, she went on, quietly, But someone did.

It was a state of fact, and I found myself unable to lie to her. Yes. I could hear
Bella swallow next to me, and for a few minutes, neither of us said anything.
Then she gave my hand a soft squeeze, and asked, quietly, Will you tell me about
it? I could hear the sudden insecurity in her voice.
But I just couldnt. So I shook my head, praying that she would understand. And I
nearly wept with relief when she didnt press on. I relaxed, focusing on the strange
- but not unpleasant - sensation of Bellas warm, much smaller hand in mine. And
I realized it felt pretty good. In fact, I suddenly couldnt remember ever feeling
this comfortable before.
And it was all because of Bella.
We sat like that for a while, neither of us doing any attempt of starting a new
conversation, and there was nothing awkward about the silence. Then my phone
buzzed in my pocket, and I knew our special moment was over. Reluctantly letting
go of Bellas hand, I pulled the phone out and looked at the display, immediately
realizing it was Alice.
I had no desire whatsoever to talk to her right now, but the fucking ringing just
continued, and finally, I couldnt take it anymore. Letting out a frustrated sigh, I
flicked the phone open and brought it to my ear. What?! I practically growled.
Edward, where the hell are you? Alice demanded, the concern evident in her
voice.
I frowned, failing to see how that was any business of hers. What do you mean,
where are you? Thats not-
She cut me off, Edward, you should come home right now. Dad got a phone call
from someone at school, and I heard him mentioning your name. He didnt sound
happy. Did you get into a fight or something? Because it sounded that way to me.
Are you fucking kidding me?! I squeezed my eyes shut, and it took just about
everything I had not to throw the damn phone into the water. That fucking asshole,
Mike Newton! I wasnt really surprised that he would tell on me, seeing how he
hated my guts, but it still pissed me right the hell off.
I was so fucking screwed!

Is Bella with you? Alice asked after a moments hesitation.

What? For a moment, my mind was completely blank. How the hell did she
know? Then I realized she must have talked to Emmett, and I rolled my eyes.
There was no point of lying. Yeah. Why?
She was quiet for a couple of seconds. Is she okay?
I clenched my fists, anger welling up inside me. Why the hell wouldnt she be
okay? Think Id fucking hurt her or something?
No, of course not! God... Alice sounded incredulous. I was just wondering,
since Emmett told me she seemed quite upset when he saw her at school.
Oh. I felt a little stupid for assuming the worst, and took a deep breath. Bellas
fine. Ill be home in about ten minutes. Not waiting for Alice to respond, I hung
up and slipped the phone down in my pocket. Then I let out a groan. Fuck!
Bella watched me with large eyes. Whats wrong?
I shook my head, jumped to my feet and reached for my jacket. Gotta go.
Wait! She quickly got up as well, and I knew she wasnt going to let me leave
without giving her at least some kind of explanation. Not that I would just leave
her here, anyway - I was not that much of a prick. Whats going on?
I pinched the bridge of my nose. Im in fucking trouble.
She folded her arms across her chest. What kind of trouble?
Frustrated, I ran my fingers through my hair, and promised to explain on the way
back to the car. Relieved when Bella followed me without objection, I quickly
filled her in on the situation as we made our way through the forest. Needless to
say, she was just as furious as I was.
Oh my God, I cant believe this! That jerk! Im so gonna kick his ass! she all but
shouted, and I raised a brow in surprise at her reaction. My Bella was feisty, thats
for sure.
Then I froze in my tracks. Wait a minute. Since when had she become my Bella? I
shook my head, as if to clear it.

I had intended to drop Bella off at the school parking lot, so she could get her
truck and go home, but she refused, insisting to come back to the house with me.
She said she needed to talk to Alice anyway, and would rather do it in person than
over the phone. I just shrugged, deciding it didnt really matter if we showed up
together, since Alice had most likely already told everybody that Bella was with
me.
The drive back was silent, with Bella staring out the window, obviously sensing
that I wasnt in a mood for talking. My fingers gripped at the steering wheel, so
tightly it made my knuckles turn white. It seemed like - no matter what I did - I
just couldnt get a fucking break.
When we finally pulled up outside the house, I turned the engine off and slowly
stepped out of the car. I half expected Carlisle to be standing right behind the door,
ready to give me the third degree, but as I reluctantly entered the house, Bella in
tow, I noticed with relief that we were the only two people there.
Of course, it didnt take long before I spotted Carlisle on the couch, in front of the
TV, and my stomach sank when I saw it was off. Having obviously heard us
coming in, he looked up. Good. Youre home. He didnt seem too surprised
when he saw that I wasnt alone. Hello again, Bella.
She gave him a hesitant smile. Hello, Dr. Cullen.
He returned the smile. Please, dear, call me Carlisle. I only consider myself a
doctor when Im working. Then his smile faltered a little, and he turned back to
me, Edward, we need to talk.
Before I got the chance to respond, Bella spoke up next to me, Look, Dr... I mean
Carlisle, what happened at school wasnt really Edwards fault. There was this
guy-
Bella! Alice was suddenly standing at the top of the stairs. Im so glad youre
here. Come on up, I really have to talk to you.
Bella hesitated, looking between me and Carlisle, and I realized she was reluctant
to leave my side. It made me feel strangely warm inside. While a part of me
wanted her to stay, I gestured for her to go with Alice. She bit her lip, then nodded.
As she passed me, her fingers briefly brushed against my arm, and instead of
tensing up, I actually found myself relaxing a little.
However, as soon as Bella was out of sight, my agitation grew. Crossing my arms
defensively over my chest, I gave Carlisle an expectant look. All right. Let me

have it.
He sighed. Edward, I want you to explain to me what happened today.
Apparently, not only did you skip classes, but you also punched a boy in the face,
breaking his nose.
Yeah, and Id fucking do it again. I clenched my fists as I angrily started pacing
the room. You know what he said about me?
No, I dont. A look of concern crossed Carlisles face. But Edward, Im afraid
thats not relevant right now. Maybe you didnt initiate the fight. Maybe the other
boy provoked you somehow. But that doesnt change the fact that you hit him. He
paused for a second. The principal wouldve suspended you for a week, if I
hadnt managed to talk him out of it.
I stopped, frowning at his words. Why the hell would you do that? I dont need
you to do me any favors.
Carlisle firmly shook his head. Its not about favors. Im trying to be
understanding here, Edward. I realize youre going through a hard time, and with
you dropping the therapy-
A hard time? I interrupted him, giving him an incredulous look. A hard fucking
time, Carlisle, is that the best you can come up with?! My lifes a fucking joke,
and I dropped the fucking therapy because its fucking pointless for you to waste
any more of your money on that shit!
His face fell, and for a moment, Carlisle looked like someone had just punched
him in the stomach. However, when he spoke again, his voice remained calm, If
therapy isnt the answer, then well find another way to deal with all of this. As for
the money, Esme and I would gladly spend everything we have if we thought it
would help you.
Why?! I exploded, staring at him in disbelief. How could he be so fucking
understanding? Didnt he realize that I didnt deserve it, that I was a lost case?
Why did he keep insisting on trying to fix me, when we both knew I couldnt be
fixed?
Why? Carlisle looked me right in the eyes, a pained expression on his face.
Edward, as far as Im concerned, you are my son. Not biologically, but in every
other way that matters. It tears me up inside, watching you suffer without being
able to help you. Now, please, talk to me. What happened today at school?

I shrugged, struggling not to let his words affect me. I thought it wasnt relevant.
He closed his eyes for a moment. Im sorry, but I cant just let this pass. You need
to tell me what happened.
What, you wanna be my fucking shrink now? I glared at him. Yes, I punched
that fucker in the face. He was an ass to Bella, and he fucking deserved it.
Carlisle nodded in understanding. I see. And what is Bellas part in all of this?
I shook my head, desperately wanting to smash something. Never mind, I dont
wanna talk about it. Carlisle opened his mouth to object, but I cut him off, I said,
Im done talking. Just punish me already, so I can get the fuck out of here.
Punish you? Carlisle stared at me. Edward, Im not going to punish you. I just
want to understand what happened.
My eyes widened as I realized I had used the same word James always did,
without even thinking. Judging by the look on Carlisles face, he was aware as
well. I swallowed, hard. I didnt mean it like that. I know you wouldnt...
He nodded, immediately. Its okay; I know what you meant. A pause. Look, we
can continue this conversation later. Why dont you go upstairs? Im sure you have
homework to do.
Nodding in relief, I quickly turned around and hurried up the stairs. Finally alone
in my room, I dropped down on my bed with a sigh. I could feel a headache
coming up, and pressed my fingers against my temples. Suddenly I felt completely
drained.
So, Carlisle had somehow managed to convince the principal not to suspend me. I
suppose I shouldve been grateful, but to be honest, I really didnt give a fuck
whether or not I was allowed to attend classes for the next week or so. So what if I
would fall behind? I had always been a quick study; Id catch up.
To tell the truth, I wished Carlisle hadnt bothered. He shouldve just accepted my
suspension; that way I wouldnt have to feel guilty for failing him - again. Deep
down, I knew I wasnt making things easy for him and Esme - quite the opposite.
But I just couldnt help myself; I kept letting my temper get the best of me.
Of course, it hadnt always been that way. The first couple of years after moving in
with him and Esme, I had lived in constant fear of doing something wrong, so they
would send me away.

I had backed up against the wall, my body shaking violently as I was staring at the
broken plate on the floor, the plate that had accidentally slipped out of my hands.
Im sorry, I didnt mean to! Please, dont send me back.
Esme gasped, her eyes wide in shock as she took a hesitant step towards me. Of
course we wont send you back, sweetie. It was an accident, dont worry about it.
Ill take care of it. She crouched down to pick up the broken pieces.
I watched in silence as she cleaned up my mess, knowing I should help, but my
feet suddenly seemed to be frozen at the spot. Esme didnt even seem upset, and I
couldnt understand why she wouldnt just yell at me. I had done something bad,
and I deserved to be punished. Those were the rules.
As the time passed, I started to realize that Carlisle and Esme were nothing like
James. They could get angry and disappointed, but they had never once hurt me,
and they never got in my face and yelled about what a screw-up I was. Still, I was
never able to fully relax, because it all just seemed too good to be true. And even
now, after six years, a part of me kept waiting for the other shoe to drop.
A soft knock on the door pulled me out of my thoughts, and I immediately tensed
up. Glancing at my alarm clock, I realized almost an hour had passed since I went
upstairs. I let out a sigh. I just wanted to be alone, not having to talk to anyone. For
a moment, I considered pretending to be asleep. Then I heard a familiar voice, just
outside my door.
Edward? Its me, Bella. Can I come in?

Chapter 19
BPOV
I had told Edward I needed to talk to Alice; shamelessly using his sister as an
excuse to go back to his house instead of going home. Of course, Alice was my
friend and I wanted to spend some time with her as well. But more importantly, I
just wanted to be there for him, because I had a sinking feeling things were about
to get ugly at the Cullen house.
But when Alice appeared at the top of the stairs, all excited to see me and asking
me to come upstairs, I couldnt exactly tell her Id rather stay with Edward. So I

reluctantly obeyed, hoping Edward would be able to see my hesitation and realize
I didnt really want to leave him.
Although he motioned for me to go, his anxiety in that moment was painfully
obvious, and I desperately wanted to take his hand, reassuring him it would be
okay. However, I settled for just discreetly running my fingers softly down his arm
as I walked past him; a brief, feather light caress that just as easily couldve been
unintentional.
And then I ran up the stairs without looking back, knowing that if I did, I wouldnt
be able to go.
Once we were inside Alices room, she quickly closed the door behind us and gave
me an expectant look. All right, you. Spill!
I sighed, knowing it was pointless to claim I didnt know what she meant. But
before I would tell her anything, I needed to know how much she had already
heard. Alice, did Emmett tell you what happened at school? His version of it,
anyway?
She frowned. Well, he told me Edward got into a fight with Mike Newton, and he
had to break it up. And then Edward took off, and you went after him. Thats
pretty much it.
Rolling my eyes, I went over to her bed and sat down. Yeah, Emmett
conveniently missed how Mike kept provoking Edward until he snapped. I cant
believe that little weasel had the nerve to put the blame on Edward. Mikes the one
who started it; you shouldve heard the things he said. I could just... Ugh!
Alice watched me for a moment, a thoughtful look on her face. Then she sat down
next to me. Wait, so you went after Edward, and then what? Did you guys talk?
M-hm. A little. I avoided to meet her eyes. Although Edward and I had been
talking, I knew it had been so much more than that. Connecting was the only word
I could come up with to describe what had happened between us at the meadow.
And for some reason, I didnt think Alice would understand.
Okay, so maybe that wasnt entirely true, seeing how Alice had already indicated
that she would encourage any kind of relationship between me and her brother, but
everything was still so new, so fragile. And I worried about accidentally telling
Alice too much, not sure how Edward would feel if he knew I was talking to his
sister about the two of us.

Besides, what had happened between me and Edward today felt too personal to
share with anyone. The fact that he had allowed me to hold his hand seemed like a
huge breakthrough, but I couldnt just assume that everything would go as
smoothly from now on. I couldnt fool myself; he was obviously carrying some
pretty heavy emotional baggage.
And I didnt know how to help him.
I knew it! Alices face lit up, and she bounced up and down on the bed a few
times. I told Jasper youd be the one. Im never wrong about these things.
I blinked in confusion, failing to see what Jasper had to do with any of this. What
are you talking about?
She gave me a patient look. Bella, I know you cant see the changes in Edward,
but I do. I told you once that he doesnt talk to people. But now, hes clearly
talking to you. I opened my mouth, but she wasnt finished. Something
happened to him, Bella, something really, really bad. And it left him unable to trust
people, to let anyone in.
I swallowed hard and nodded. I know.
Alices eyes widened in disbelief. He didnt tell you...?
I immediately shook my head. No, he didnt give me any details. But he... I
hesitated a little, lowering my eyes to the floor. He admitted that someone hurt
him.
She was quiet for a moment. Then she nodded in confirmation. Yeah. His
stepfather.
Briefly closing my eyes, I then shook my head again. Alice, please, dont say
anything more. I shouldnt hear this from you.
Alice nodded in acceptance. Youre right. I wont. But you should know that
Edward never told me any of this. I only know what Ive heard from Mom and
Dad, and theyve been pretty vague. Thats the point Im trying to make here,
Bella. Edward doesnt talk about his past.
I inhaled shakily, feeling like my head was spinning. But if its been so bad, and
he never talks about it, how does he deal with it?
In that moment, I thought I saw tears in Alices eyes. She shook her head, sadly.

He doesnt.
But... I started, then stopped myself, because it all made perfect sense now. All
of the sudden, I recalled the discussion I had overheard the night of the sleep-over,
between Alices parents.
Thats not the point, Carlisle. Lately youve been spending more time at the
hospital than with your own family. We need you here at home.
Dont make this about me, Esme. We both know what this is really about. You
need to face the truth; the therapy isnt helping.
Quitting therapy isnt the answer. He needs help, Carlisle. Its been six years, and
he still...
Back then, I had just felt bad for accidentally listening in on a conversation that
was clearly not meant for my ears. But now, it was obvious to me that they had
been talking about Edward. Six years. It had been six years since Edward got
adopted by the Cullens. And now it started to be clear to me why.
His stepfather.
Another conversation played up inside my head, this time between me and
Edward.
Um, Bella? What happened to your arm?
It was Phil. My stepdad. He... Edward? Whats wrong?
God, not her, too. Not her, not her, not her...
Those were the exact words Edward had used - chanting repeatedly, like a mantra when I had told him it was Phil who had caused me to break my arm. Not her,
too.
And then his reaction when I explained that it had been an accident. Relief, yes,
but also shame. I didnt understand it then, but now I finally realized why he had
reacted so strongly to my admission. Because he had been hurt by his stepfather as
well.
Only not by accident.
Tears started welling up in my eyes, and suddenly I feared I was going to be sick.

No wonder Edward was so unwilling to let anyone in. Because if you couldnt
trust the people in your own family not to hurt you, if you werent even safe in
your own home, how could you possibly trust anyone else?
Bella? Alice was looking at me in alarm. Whats the matter? I just shook my
head, unable to respond. Understanding flashed across her face. You really do
care about Edward, dont you? Her voice was soft.
I nodded, resisting the urge to roll my eyes. Obviously. I just... I dont know... A
frustrated sigh escaped me as I was unable to explain my feelings. Alice just
watched me in silence, a sad smile playing on her lips. I let out a shaky breath.
Alice, Im really confused here. I have no idea what Im doing.
I understand. But, Bella? She waited until she had my full attention before she
continued, I think youre doing just fine so far. And whether Edwards able to see
it yet or not - you are exactly what he needs. Promise me youll be patient with
him?
Her selfless plea nearly brought new tears to my eyes, and I nodded again. Of
course.
We talked for a little while longer, but I found myself having a hard time trying to
focus, as my thoughts kept going back to Edward. However, I tried to pay
attention to what Alice was saying, feeling that I owed her as much. But when she
started talking - quite excitedly - about the prom, I decided it was time to start
planning my retreat.
I saw my chance when she finally had to stop to catch her breath. Look, Alice,
Im sorry but I should probably get going.
Oh. She looked a little disappointed, but nodded in understanding. All right. Ill
see you tomorrow, then?
Sure. I gave her an assuring smile as I got up from the bed, grabbing my jacket
and my school bag.
When I was just about to leave the room, Alice called out my name, softly, Hey,
Bella? I glanced over my shoulder, giving her a questioning look. She smiled,
knowingly. Edwards room is the second door to the left.
*~*~*

Five minutes later, I was standing outside Edwards door, trying to work up
enough courage to actually knock. I couldnt deny that a part of me worried about
what mood he would be in after the talk with Carlisle, knowing that had it ended
badly - which was highly possible - chances were he would take his anger and
frustration out on me.
I knew I shouldnt take it personally if that turned out to be the case, but still, I felt
like Edward and I had really made some progress today, and the idea of suddenly
being back at square one bothered me more than I liked to admit. So I hesitated for
another minute or two, before I finally took a deep breath and raised my fist to the
door.
Knocking softly, I held my breath as I waited for some kind of response from the
other side. But when almost a minute had passed and nothing happened, I called
out in a low voice, Edward? Its me, Bella. Can I come in? And then I waited
again.
Just when I was about to give up and leave, I heard the distant sound of footsteps,
and the door finally swung open. Edward was standing in the doorway, watching
me with an unreadable expression on his face. I gave him a tentative smile. Hi.
Bella. He raked his hand through his hair, appearing to be somewhat agitated.
Thought youd left, he finally mumbled, looking away.
No, I... I hesitated. Um, can I come in?
Oh. Edwards eyes widened, slightly. Yeah, okay. He took a hesitant step
back, allowing me to enter.
My relief must have shown as I stepped through the door, only to come to a halt on
the other side. Should I, um, do you want me to close the door? It just hit me
that I had no idea if he would feel comfortable with just the two of us in a closed
room.
Edward frowned, looking past me out into the hallway, and then back at me. All
right.
Carefully closing the door behind me, I then took a couple of steps further into the
room. Edward remained where he was, his eyes following my every movement. I
bit my lip, suddenly feeling very nervous. Because I had absolutely no idea what
to say - or do - next.

As I searched for something - anything - to say, just to break the awkward silence,
I took the opportunity to study his appearance. And I felt a pang in my chest when
I noticed how utterly exhausted he looked. His face was almost ghostly pale, and
he had purple shadows under his eyes. He seemed to be completely worn out, and
- if my suspicions were correct - not just physically.
Are you okay? I asked quietly, the words being out of my mouth before I even
realized I had spoken. Then I blushed, because it seemed like such a stupid
question to ask, when it was painfully obvious that he was far from being okay.
Edward stared at me for a moment, then let out a hollow laugh. Instead of
answering, he walked over to the bed, slid down to the floor with his head resting
back against the thick mattress. Afraid of overstepping my bounds, I just watched
him helplessly, unsure whether I should go to him, or remain where I was.
No, he finally admitted in a small voice, his eyes closed, as if he somehow
found it easier to get the words out that way. Im tired. When I remained silent partly because I simply didnt trust my voice to hold - he opened his eyes again,
and the pain I could see there was so raw and intense that, for a few seconds, I
actually found myself unable to breathe. Im so fucking tired, Bella, he croaked.
I knew then that my assumptions had been right - he wasn't just tired; he was
emotionally drained - and I was at his side before my mind had even registered
that I had moved, dropping to my knees next to him. For once, he did no attempt
of backing away. Instead he just kept looking at me with large, pleading eyes,
silently begging me to take his pain away.
And I didnt know how.
Tell me what to do, I whispered, knowing I was dangerously close to breaking
down. But I forced myself to stay strong. Edward needed my strength, not my
tears. I could cry for him later, when I was alone.
He just shook his head, letting out a defeated sigh. That was when I got hit by a
sudden impulse, and held out my hand, just like I had done when we were at the
meadow. If you take my hand... My voice cracked, and I started over, If you
take my hand, I promise not to let go.
I had no idea if I was doing the right thing or not, but in that moment, I was more
than willing to give him whatever he needed from me. The problem was, I doubted
even Edward knew exactly what it was he needed. So I could only go with my
instinct; doing what my heart told me to do without giving it too much thought.

He watched me intently, his eyes desperately searching mine as he was clearly

scanning my face for some kind of sign that I was serious. And then I saw it; a
barely existent spark of hope flickered in his eyes. Of course, it was gone the next
second, but that was okay. I knew it had been real and not just my imagination.
Up until that very moment, I hadnt been a hundred percent sure, but now I knew.
Edward actually wanted to trust me, to let me in. He just didnt know how.
Im not leaving. Not sure where the words were coming from, I went on,
nevertheless, Look, Edward, whatever it is youre hiding, whatever youre so
afraid of, it wont make any difference to me. Ill still be here, no matter what.
Youll have to literally kick me out to get rid of me, and even then, Ill just keep
coming back.
He just kept looking at me, doubt still evident on his face, and I sighed. I mean,
of course Ill have to go home eventually, or Charlie will most likely send out a
search party, but the point Im trying to make is... My voice trailed off as Edward
reached out his hand - not slowly and hesitantly, like earlier at the meadow, but in
a quick, jerky motion, like he was forcing himself to act fast, before he would lose
his courage.
I nearly wept when his hand finally grasped mine, tightly, like he was drowning
and I was his life line. And I realized that - in that moment, to Edward - it was
exactly what I was.
I wont let go, I assured him again, and then I fell silent, because words
suddenly seemed unnecessary. Instead I pulled his hand down in my lap, holding it
gently between mine, like I had wanted to do for so long but never actually dared.
For a couple of minutes, we just sat there in silence, close together on the floor.
Then Edward tentatively raised his other arm, and I watched in astonishment how
his trembling hand slowly moved towards my face. Instinctively closing my eyes,
I could feel my entire body shaking as he finally tucked a single strand of hair
behind my ear.
Promise? he whispered hoarsely, and my eyes immediately snapped open.
At first, I didnt understand what he was asking, because all I could think about
was the sensation of his fingers in my hair. Then it all came back to me, and I
nodded, eagerly. I promise, I breathed, giving his hand a soft squeeze. Youre
stuck with me now.
A ghost of a smile appeared on his face, and all of the sudden, I felt like a huge

weight had lifted from my shoulders. Of course, I knew we still had a long way to
go, but at least we were moving in the right direction. I just needed to be really
patient, and show Edward that I meant it when I said I wouldnt be going
anywhere.
Then - hopefully - he would finally start opening up to me about his past. I
glanced at him, my fingers absently tracing circles at the back of his hand. He still
looked really tired, but somehow, my touch suddenly seemed to have a calming
effect on him. The irony wasnt lost on me, seeing how it was only days ago that
he had shied away in terror.
Edward? Im sorry - I knocked, but... Carlisle was suddenly standing in the
doorway, his eyes widening as he spotted me and Edward on the floor. I just barely
managed not to let out a startled yelp, having not even noticed the door open.
Edward jumped slightly next to me, clearly just as surprised as I was.
However, he didnt let go of my hand.
Carlisle opened his mouth, then closed it again, his eyes darting between me and
Edward before finally landing on our intertwined hands. It seemed like we had
some explaining to do.

Chapter 20
BPOV
Carlisles eyes went from me to Edward, and I could only imagine what must be
going through his mind in that moment. Forgive me for interrupting, I was just...
He hesitated. Is everything all right?
Blinking in confusion, Edward glanced down at his hand - the hand I was still
clasping tightly in my lap - and I nearly cried at the loss of contact when he, gently
but firmly, pulled away. He gave me a helpless, almost regretful look before
mumbling, softly, Everythings fine.
I see. Carlisle remained in the doorway, obviously having a hard time deciding
what to do next. I could see a million questions in his eyes, and I started to feel
really uncomfortable. Then it hit me that Edward probably felt ten times worse,
and I desperately searched my mind for something to say to save the situation.
Unfortunately, I came up with nothing.

To my great relief, Carlisle seemed to notice the sudden awkwardness as well,

because he cleared his throat. Well, I will just leave, then. Ill be downstairs if
you need me. He kept watching Edward for a moment, without a doubt trying to
figure out what was going on, before finally backing out of the room.
He deliberately left the door open.
Letting out the breath I had been holding, I turned to look at Edward, resisting the
urge to reach for his hand again. Will he give you a hard time about this?
Edward shrugged, carefully avoiding my eyes. Nothing I cant handle.
I wasnt completely satisfied with that answer, but chose to let it go. I can stay
here if you want to go talk to him. I paused, grimacing. Or maybe I should just
go. Charlie will probably be home soon. The reluctance in my voice was obvious,
and Edward would have to be both deaf and blind to miss it. Still, I felt the need to
add the part about Charlie, just to be on the safe side.
The last thing I wanted was for Edward to think that I actually wanted to leave
now.
He glanced at me. Yeah, that might be for the best. Wouldnt want you to get in
trouble.
I swallowed. Edward-
Bella... He cut me off. Whats gonna happen tomorrow?
What, you mean at school? I hadnt even thought so far. He nodded, and I could
see the insecurity rolling off him in waves. I felt bad for him, and wanted nothing
more than to assure him that he had nothing to worry about, but at the same time, I
was really happy that he actually cared about the next day.
Because I didnt think I would be able to take it if it turned out that he wanted to
pretend that none of this had happened.
Hesitating for a brief moment, I then quickly made up my mind. Um, maybe you
could pick me up on your way to school? But only if you want, I mean, you dont
have to. I just thought-
Yeah, okay. Edward interrupted my babbling, and I let out a sigh of relief.

Can I... I bit my lip, praying that he wouldnt say no. Can I have your phone
number?
He looked a little surprised, but nodded. All right.
To be perfectly honest, after everything that had happened between me and
Edward today, I hadnt really been expecting a no. But a part of me had been
afraid of getting my hopes up. I gave him a soft smile, and pulled my phone out
from the pocket of my jacket.
A couple of minutes later, I hurried down the stairs with a ridiculously huge grin
on my face. Edward and I had finally exchanged phone numbers; now I could
reach him whenever I wanted. And it also felt pretty good to know that Edward
could easily get in touch with me as well.
Bella? A door opened across the room, and Carlisle peeked his head out. Could
you please come in here for a moment?
My smile faded, and my heart started beating faster. However, he didnt appear to
be angry - merely concerned - so I firmly told myself to relax, and nodded in
agreement. Okay. Casting one last longing look at the front door, I then sucked
in a deep breath and entered what turned out to be a large office.
Have a seat. Carlisle gestured for the couch at the other side of the room, and I
hesitantly obeyed. He then watched me in silence for a moment before speaking
up again, this time with a calming smile on his face, Words travel fast. I
understand you are Chief Swans daughter. Hes a good, honorable man.
I returned his smile, somewhat warily. He said the same thing about you.
May I be honest with you, Bella? I nodded, and he sat down as well. I dont
want to make you feel uncomfortable. But there are a few things I feel compelled
to tell you.
Is this about Edward? I folded my hands in my lap, wishing they would stop
trembling.
His expression changed, and I knew my assumption had been correct. You two
seem to... get along? I couldnt quite read the look on his face, and it made me
feel anxious. So I just nodded again, waiting for him to go on. He did. I couldnt
help but notice that... you were holding hands.
This time, I knew he was expecting a verbal explanation. I held back a sigh.

Yeah. Listen, I know what you must be thinking, but-

Actually, Carlisle cut me off, this is not about what I think, because right now,
Im lost. I dont understand how this is possible, and I was hoping you could
explain it to me. His face was a mixture of confusion, mild frustration, and...
hurt?
I wasnt stupid, nor was I about to insult him by pretending I didnt know what he
was referring to. Youre talking about the fact that Edwards allowing me to touch
him.
Yes. He sounded incredulous. Please, dont take this the wrong way, but
frankly, I dont think you understand the full extent of the situation, and it worries
me. A pause. Bella, Edward doesnt even let me and Esme touch him, and we
are his family.
Although his words stung, I could partly understand his concern, and I suppose I
couldnt really blame Carlisle for worrying. However, what he had said about
Edward still refusing to let him and Esme touch him came as a shock, and my eyes
widened in disbelief. After all, Edward had been living with them for six years.
Then something clicked. Maybe thats the problem, I mumbled to myself.
Realizing that Carlisle had heard me and was now staring at me, I blushed. I
mean... never mind. I had a theory, but I wasnt ready to discuss such a sensitive
topic with Carlisle, who was still practically a stranger to me.
For a moment, I thought he was going to object. Then he let out a sigh. Bella, I
want you to promise me that what we talk about in this room stays here. Seeing
my hesitation, he hurried to add, Im not asking you to lie to Edward and keep
our conversation a secret. But I need to know that you wont go talking to anyone
else. Can you promise me that much?
Of course. I felt both nervous and a little excited at the same time. For some
reason, it had seemed wrong for Alice to fill me in about Edward. But Carlisle was
a different matter. And it wasnt like I had gone to him, fishing for information. He
was the one who had asked to speak with me, not the other way around.
Still, a part of me felt like I was going behind Edwards back, just by being in this
room, and I decided to tell him all about my encounter with Carlisle the next time
saw him. Hopefully, Edward would understand that I only had his best interest in
mind, and wouldnt be too upset.
One could only hope.

Carlisle leaned back into the cushions, keeping his eyes straight ahead. Has
Edward told you anything about his past?
Um... I hesitated. I know that hes adopted. And that he came to live with you
about six years ago. I decided not to mention that it had been Alice and Emmett
who had shared that particular information in the first place.
Yes. Carlisle nodded in confirmation. He closed his eyes for a moment. Bella, I
realize this is none of my business, and you have every right to be upset with me
for asking, but I need to know. What are your feelings towards Edward? What are
your intentions? Are you planning to stick around? Or will you move on
tomorrow, or next week? Because in that case-
Hold on, just a minute, I interrupted him, a little shocked by my sudden
boldness, but quickly recovered. Look, Carlisle, this is all new to me as well. But
I really care about Edward, and I would never do anything to hurt him. I know
something bad happened to him, and I hope someday hell feel comfortable
enough to tell me about it. I told him that Im here to stay, and I meant it. Even if
he wont... I stopped abruptly, lowering my eyes in embarrassment.
But it was too late; I had already seen the realization flash across Carlisles face.
You care for him more than just as a friend. You wish for the two of you to
become something more. Stubbornly looking down at my hands, I could feel
Carlisles eyes on me as he continued in a serious voice, Do you understand that
Edward might never be able to give you what you want?
I raised my head then, looking him right in the eyes. What I want is for Edward
to feel safe with me. To be there for him no matter what. Yes, I have feelings for
him, but thats not my main reason for sticking around. Not at all. Ill be whatever
he needs me to be. And if he wont be able to return my feelings, then Ill settle for
just being his friend, if that means I get to be a part of his life.
Carlisle just looked at me for a long time, his eyes boring into mine, as if he was
trying to see directly into my soul. To be honest, it made me feel quite awkward,
but I bravely held his gaze, hoping he would find whatever he was searching for.
Finally he nodded in acceptance. You really mean that, dont you?
Yes, I do, I stated, somehow managing to keep my voice from trembling. I
couldnt afford to mess up now; too much was at stake. In that moment, nothing
seemed more important than making Carlisle see how serious I was; to gain his
trust and acceptance so he would let me keep seeing Edward.

I had been prepared for doubt, maybe even some kind of warning, so his next
words came as a total shock to me. Thank you. When I just blinked in surprise
and confusion, Carlisle gave me a sad smile. Youre an extraordinary girl, Bella. I
believe you will be good for him. He paused before adding, In fact, I think you
might be good for all of us.
*~*~*
I had just taken a large saucepan of steaming hot pasta off the stove, when I heard
the unmistakable sound of my dads cruiser in the driveway. A moment later, the
door opened and Charlie entered the kitchen. I greeted him with a somewhat
absent smile. Hi, Dad. Dinners almost ready.
Thats great, Bella. The lack of enthusiasm in his voice made me look up from
the food I was preparing, and I turned to look at him with a frown on my face.
Charlie remained by the door, looking uncomfortable, and I wondered what was
bothering him. It turned out I was about to find out. Listen, I got a quite
disturbing phonecall from school...
Oh, crap! This cant be good...
Then the full meaning of his words registered, and I stared at him in disbelief as
realization hit me. They called you at the station?! What, am I under arrest or
something? Do I need a lawyer for this?
Charlie was clearly not amused, nor did he appreciate my sarcasm. Dont give me
that smart attitude, young lady. I was told that youve been skipping classes today,
and I want an explanation.
It was one class, Dad, not plural. He opened his mouth, but I hurried on, It was
just Gym. Seriously, its not like I actually missed something of major importance
that I will need later on in life. And besides, I had a perfectly good reason for not
going.
Yeah, but somehow, I doubt the argument I was with a guy, trying to coax him
into touching me will sit very well with Charlie. Youve better come up with
another explanation, unless you want him to send you straight to a convent.
Really? Charlie crossed his arms over his chest, obviously not convinced. Im
all ears.

I bit my lip, thinking quickly. A friend needed me. It was an emergency. But for
what its worth, Dad, Im really sorry. It wont happen again.
Damn right, it wont. Charlie gave me a stern look, although I could tell he was
relieved that I wasnt putting up more of a fight. Because lets face it; as far as the
parental responsibilities went, he was still kind of rusty. When I just nodded in
agreement, he cleared his throat. All right, then.
Letting out the breath I had been holding, I was just about to turn my attention
back to the spaghetti sauce still simmering on the stove, when he spoke up again,
and I realized I wasnt completely off the hook yet. So, what was the big
emergency? And who were you with? Alice?
I hesitated for a moment, keeping my eyes on the food so I wouldnt have to look
at him. Um, yeah. It wasnt a complete lie. After all, I had been at her house.
And technically, Ihad been with Alice. For a little while, anyway.
Oh. He suddenly sounded concerned. Is she all right?
I smiled a little, knowing Charlie had always had a soft spot for Alice. He had
been thrilled when he found out the two of us had become friends. Yeah, dont
worry. An idea just came to me, and I had to hide a grin. Actually, its about
boys. Ill be happy to tell you all about it over dinner.
Um... Charlie paled a little, and I had to struggle to keep from laughing out loud.
He was so predictable; it was like he did his best to forget that we were in fact
teenagers. No, thats okay. The less I know... He shuddered.
Have it your way, then. I shrugged, giving him an innocent look as I went on,
Hey, isnt there a baseball game on tonight, or something? Would you like me to
set the table in the living room for you?
Oh, right. That would would be great, Bells, thanks. Charlie went over to the
fridge and grabbed a beer before hurrying out of the room. I chuckled to myself.
Sometimes, it was just too easy.
*~*~*
EPOV
I stubbornly stayed in my room until I heard Carlisles Mercedes drive off outside,

knowing he was going to the hospital. I suspected he had been hoping for me to
come downstairs before he left, wanting to finish our conversation from earlier
and - most definitely - question me about Bella. And that was not something I was
ready for.
Strangely enough, the fact that Carlisle had walked in on me and Bella holding
hands didnt bother me as much as I had expected, but that didnt mean I wanted
to talk about it. Nor did I feel up to keep discussing my reasons for beating the
crap out of Mike fucking Newton at school.
As for Bella, I still had a hard time taking in the fact that I had exposed myself so
completely. But there was just something about her voice, her gentle touch, her
very presence, that made me feel safe. And all of the sudden, I had realized that I
desperately wanted to trust her, wanted to believe that she really wasnt going
anywhere. That she wouldnt leave me.
So I had let my guard down - which had to be either the bravest, or the most
reckless thing I had ever done in my life - and taken her hand.
Now I left my room and headed for the stairs, intending to go out for a smoke. I
still felt apprehensive about tomorrow, knowing words about my fight with
Newton would be all over school. The mere thought of being the center of
attention like that made me cringe, but I realized it was unavoidable. For a
moment, I wished I had gotten suspended after all.
Of course, then I wouldnt get to see Bella. And right now, that was the one thing
that kept me going.
Lost in my thoughts, I almost walked straight into Emmett, who I met in the
hallway. His eyes widened when he spotted me, and I realized I was not the only
one who hadnt been paying attention. Ignoring him completely, I was just about
to step past him when he suddenly spoke up, You realize people are gonna talk,
dont you?
Stopping abruptly, I spun around and glared at him. So, what else is new? Really
think I give a fuck what other people are saying about me?
He shrugged, folding his arms across his chest. You think Bella feels the same
way?
My eyes narrowed. What the hell does Bella have to do with this?
Oh, I dont know. Emmett rolled his eyes. But I bet there are already some

rather interesting theories and speculations going around. Hell, the girl defended
you in front of practically the whole damn school. Now tell me, how often does
something like that happen?
I clenched my fists in anger. I never fucking asked her to do that! Why do you
care, anyway?
I dont. Im just saying... He let out a frustrated sigh. Man, why do you always
have to be like this? Im not deliberately trying to be a dick, here.
I snorted. Really? Couldve fooled me.
He was quiet for a moment. Then he shook his head in irritation. Not sure why I
even bother. Seriously, I just wanted to make sure youre prepared for whats
coming. Tell me something, Edward. Would it kill you not to be a complete ass
every time I open my mouth? With that, he turned around and walked away,
muttering to himself. And I was left to stare after him in bewilderment.

Chapter 21
EPOV
If I had been anxious the night before, I was pretty much a wreck in the morning. I
kept hearing Emmetts words about Bella playing up, over and over again, and
while I tried telling myself that he didnt know what he was talking about, a part of
me couldnt help but wonder if he may have a point after all.
I was the school freak; the notorious outsider who - according to most people was nothing more than a waste of space. Enter the new girl; nice, smart, beautiful.
Perfect. And for some reason, she had decided to take my side against one of the
most popular guys in school. It was only natural that people would wonder what
kind of alternate universe they had ended up in.
Although I loathed the attention, I was used to people talking about me behind my
back. While I didnt like it, I had learned to live with it over the years; the fucking
gossip being a price I was willing to pay if it meant they would just stay the fuck
out of my way.
You think Bella feels the same way?
Emmetts voice echoed in my head, and I forced back a frustrated growl. I wanted

him to be wrong, but the more I thought about it, the more convinced I became
that Bella wouldnt appreciate the attention any more than I did. And if she
couldnt stand it - which I started to find more and more likely - surely the most
natural thing would be for her to reconsider her desire to hang out with me.
Stop thinking like that! Bella told you shes not going anywhere, remember? She
promised not to let go.
But that was before she became aware of the fact that being around me would
affect her social life. She could change her mind.
Dont do this. Just trust her.
And I really fucking wanted to. However, doing so had seemed so much easier
when Bella was sitting next to me, holding my hand. But now, my self-doubt and
insecurities only seemed to grow stronger by the minute.
I took a deep breath before entering the kitchen, hoping that by some miracle, it
would turn out to be empty. Because I was really not in a mood for talking to
anyone. Of course, I had no such luck. Esme was standing by the coffee maker,
about to pour herself a cup of coffee. And Alice was sitting by the kitchen table,
chattering happily while munching on some toast.
It was with great relief that I noted that Carlisle was nowhere to be seen this
morning. I didnt think I would be able to handle his concern about yesterdays
events on top of everything else. Thankfully, Emmett was clearly absent as well. I
figured both of them had left early.
Good morning, Edward. Esme turned around with a smile, having obviously
heard me enter the room. Theres toast and coffee if youre hungry. Help
yourself.
In all honesty, right now, the mere thought of food made my stomach turn, but
since I always skipped lunch at school, I knew I had to eat something if I wanted
to make it through the day without getting into any unnecessary trouble. Because
my temper would get about ten times worse when I was hungry; it wouldnt take
much for me to explode. And that was just about the last thing I needed today.
So I went over to the kitchen counter and put two slices of white bread in the
toaster, before picking up a clean cup from the dish stand and heading for the
coffee. Then I slumped down on a chair and reached for the morning paper, hoping
that would keep Alice and Esme from talking to me. Because I didnt want to start
the morning by lashing out at one of them, when they had done nothing to deserve

it.
And with the mood I was in right now, I could see something like that happen all
too easily.
However, Alice had never been one for taking the hint. Or - which seemed more
likely - she just didnt care. She quickly gulped down her orange juice and turned
to me. Hey Edward, would you mind giving me a ride today? Im going to
Jaspers house after school, so I cant take my own car.
I blinked in confusion, not really understanding why she couldnt just drive by
herself to Jaspers, but then decided that trying to figure out how Alices mind
worked would only give me a headache. Whatever, I mumbled in somewhat
reluctant agreement, unable to come up with any good reason to say no.
That was until I suddenly remembered that I was supposed to pick up Bella. Fuck!
And here I was hoping I could just let that particular arrangement pass without
anyone noticing. I closed my eyes for a moment, silently debating with myself
how to explain without making an unnecessarily big deal about the whole thing.
Unfortunately, I came up with nothing.
So, about twenty minutes later, I backed us out of the driveway and headed for the
main road. When Alice noticed we were going in the opposite direction from
school, she turned towards me in confusion. Um, you know, schools back the
other way.
As if I didnt know that. Or did she think I had developed a sudden case of
dementia over night? I rolled my eyes. Yes, Im aware.
She frowned. So, where are you going?
I sighed, seeing no other option than simply telling her the truth. I promised to
pick up Bella. I kept looking through the windshield, stubbornly avoiding to face
her, so I was totally unprepared for her reaction.
At first, there was only silence. Then Alice let out a high-pitched squeal that made
me practically jump through the roof. I turned my head to glare at her, my heart
beating wildly in my chest and my embarrassment forgotten. Would you stop
that?! You want us to end up in the fucking ditch?!
Ignoring my outburst, Alice eagerly started clapping her hands together, bouncing
up and down in her seat. Oh my God, oh my God, oh my God! Edward, this is

wonderful! I just knew the two of you would hit it off eventually! God, Im so
happy, I could just...
She stopped, her smile faltering a little. Wait a minute. Bella doesnt know Im
coming along, does she? Why didnt you say something sooner? I couldve gone
with Emmett; I didnt mean to impose on your date!
I kind of felt like my head was spinning as I tried to keep up with Alices - in my
opinion - overwhelming enthusiasm. Then her last word registered in my brain,
and my eyes widened. Date?! I spluttered, staring at her in shock. This is not a
fucking date, Im just giving her a ride to school!
Her face fell a little. Although she quickly covered up, waving her hand in
dismissal. Of course. Not a date, I understand. You guys are just friends, right? I
nodded and turned my attention back to the road, knowing that if she could see the
yearning look in my eyes, she would be able to see right through me.
Alice was quiet for about ten seconds before she spoke up again, So, when are
you gonna take her out on a real date?
Alice. My grip tightened around the steering wheel, and I wished she would just
fucking drop it. She knew perfectly well that I didnt date; the mere idea was
ridiculous.
Fine. Alice let out a defeated sigh. Forget that I brought it up. Im sorry, I dont
know what I was thinking. A pause. So, I guess you wouldnt mind if Bella
dated someone else, then.
My eyes shot to Alice, and this time, I nearly did end up in the ditch. Who?! I
demanded, as fury - along with some unfamiliar feeling that I couldnt quite
identify - welled up inside me.
I dont care who it is, Ill fucking kill him! Bellas mine!
Whoa! Where the fuck did that come from? Squeezing my eyes shut, I forced
myself to take a deep breath. I knew I had no right thinking like that. Bella was no
fucking object; she was a person. Of course she could date whoever she wanted to.
And why wouldnt she? Prom was coming up, and while she - as far as I knew hadnt agreed to go with anyone so far, it was probably just a matter of time.
I mean, it wasnt like I would ever offer to take her. The thought of so much as
setting my foot in the crowded gym at prom night - or any night, for that matter made me feel sick to my stomach. There would be people everywhere, pushing

and pressing against each other. They would get way too close, and there would be
nowhere to escape.
So, forget about the fucking prom. Surely you could take Bella someplace else.
Somewhere quiet, where you dont have to worry about anyone invading your
personal space.
Yeah, right! Like dinner and a fucking movie? That might be something a normal
couple would do. But, for one thing, Bella and I were not a couple. And we were
back to the fact that I didnt date. Because I couldnt stand the idea of anyone
touching me. And even Irealized that a real date would lead to some kind of
physical contact sooner or later.
You dont seem to have a problem with Bella touching you anymore.
I tried to block the annoying voice out, knowing it didnt make any difference. I
was too fucked up to ever date anyone, period. And even if I could, there was just
no way Bella would want to go out with someone like me. For some unexplainable
reason, she was willing to be my friend, which was way more than I deserved. But
that was it. There was no point in dwelling on what I could never have.
Edward? Hello? Alices worried voice caused me to snap out of it, and I gave
her a startled look. For a moment, I had forgotten she was there. She suddenly
looked remorseful. I wasnt being serious before, you know. Im sorry; I was just
teasing you. I know for a fact that Bella has no interest in dating anyone else.
Really.
I just looked at her, not sure what to think. She went on, a soft expression on her
face. Look, Edward, I think its really great that you and Bella have become
friends. Shes the sweetest, kindest girl Ive ever met, and I know she genuinely
cares about you. She hesitated. And you really care about her, too, dont you?
Although her words made me feel both uncomfortable and exposed, I suddenly
didnt have the heart to lie. Somehow, denying my feelings seemed like a betrayal
towards Bella. Still, I couldnt bring myself to meet Alices eyes as I finally
responded, quietly, Yes.
Having been half expecting another piercing scream of excitement, I was both
relieved and a little surprised when Alices only response was a simple Okay.
And I actually found myself able to relax a little, as the rest of the drive to Bellas
house went by in merciful silence.
Bella was already out waiting on the front porch when we arrived, fidgeting with

her school bag in a somewhat nervous manner, and I found myself wondering if
she had actually expected me to stand her up. The way her face lit up when she
spotted us made me feel strangely warm inside, and I was unable to suppress a
longing sigh.
Ignoring the knowing grin on Alices face, I jumped out without thinking, hurrying
around the car to open the door for Bella. I was immediately rewarded with a
smile that just about took my breath away. Thank you, she said in a soft voice,
looking deep into my eyes for a moment, before glancing into the car.
Following her gaze, I was once again reminded of Alices presence, and suddenly
felt a little anxious. Um... I swallowed. Alice needed a ride as well. You dont
mind, do you?
Edward, dont be silly; of course I dont mind. Bella waved briefly at Alice
before turning back to me, lowering her voice, Thanks for coming. Although I
feel kinda bad for making you drive all the way here, just to pick me up.
I held back a snort. Really, Bella, the towns not that big. It was nothing. Then I
awkwardly lowered my eyes. Sorry for making you sit in the back, though. The
front seats already occupied. I gestured towards Alice with an apologetic
grimace.
Bella shook her head. I dont mind sitting in the back. She hesitated for a
moment, and I got the feeling she wanted to say something more. Instead she just
gave me a wistful look. I guess we should be going. Dont wanna be late. I
nodded in agreement - although somewhat reluctantly - and waited for her to slip
into the back seat before carefully closing the door behind her.
It was strange, how much something as simple as Bellas presence affected me.
But as soon as I saw her standing outside the house, my troubled thoughts and
apprehension seemed to just melt away, and all of the sudden, I was filled with the
soothing feeling of peace that only came when Bella was around.
Unfortunately, the spell was broken the moment we reached the school parking lot
and I was forced to step out of the car. Alice hurried off in search of Jasper, leaving
me and Bella to slowly approach the school building. Of course, I couldnt be
certain whether Bella shared my reluctance to head inside, or if she just followed
my pace.
Clearly sensing my sudden wariness, Bella glanced at me in concern. Whats
wrong?

I shook my head, immediately tensing up as we passed a large group of girls,

looking in our direction and whispering. Nothing, I lied, desperately fighting the
urge to punch something. I could tell by the look on her face that she didnt
believe me, but thankfully, she didnt push.
As we walked through the corridor, heading for our lockers, I felt like everybody
was staring at me. I held my breath, praying no one would be bold enough to say
anything to my face, because I was already on edge and would most likely snap at
the first comment. And I really didnt want Bella to have to witness another one of
my violent explosions, which would probably scare her away for good.
But she promised to stay.
Luckily, we made it to Bellas locker without any incidents, however, I refused to
let my guard down and relax. This was going to be a long day, and I couldnt wait
for it to be over. As I waited for Bella to grab her books and slam the locker shut,
my fingers kept itching for a smoke. Unfortunately, I was all out.
Did I mention that this would be a really long, fucking day?
Look, I need to go if I dont wanna be late for class. Bella bit her lip - something
I had come to learn she did quite often - and she gave me a hopeful look. Ill see
you at lunch, though, right? Well sit together?
I didnt think it was possible for my agitation to grow any stronger, but apparently,
I was wrong. Lunch at school was a touchy subject for me, one that I wasnt
looking forward to explain to Bella any time soon. How could I possibly tell her
that the mere idea of entering the crowded cafeteria made me feel nauseous? If she
didnt consider me a freak before...
Um... I swallowed and shoved my hands down in my pockets, not wanting Bella
to see how much they were suddenly shaking. Look, Bella... I - I dont... I
stuttered, once again furious at my inability to do any of the things a normal
person would do. And what was even worse, I couldnt even find the words to
explain why.
Lowering my eyes to the floor as I couldnt bear to see the disappointed - and most
likely hurt - look on Bellas face, I quickly took a step back and mumbled, Ive
gotta go, all right? Im sorry. Ill see you later? It took a moment before I realized
that the last part had come out as a question, but I was too much of a coward to
stick around and wait for her answer. So I turned around and left, although it made
my entire body ache.

*~*~*
Somehow, I managed to get through the morning classes without drawing any
unwanted attention to myself, although my mind was occupied with thoughts of
Bella, and what she must be thinking about me for just taking off and leaving her
in the middle of the hallway without much of an explanation.
By lunch time, I slowly made my way towards my locker to drop off my books,
my steps heavy as I pictured Bella in the cafeteria, laughing and chattering with
Alice and the others. Not that I actually wished I was there, too, but it was just
another reminder of how I would never really fit into Bellas life. The more I
thought about it, the more depressed I became.
Until I reached my locker and found Bella already standing there, her eyes
searching through the crowd until she spotted me. Then she perked up, visibly, and
hurried to meet me. Hi.
Hey. I hesitated a little. Shouldnt you be in the cafeteria?
She shook her head. Nope. I came straight to find you. The way I see it, eatings
highly over-rated. Her stomach suddenly made a growling sound, and she
blushed.
I sighed. Bella, this is ridiculous. Youre not going around fucking starving
because of me. Just go eat.
I will. She rolled her eyes. The whole eatings over-rated thing was a joke,
Edward. Of course Im going to eat. I opened my mouth, but she wasnt finished.
And so are you.
My eyes widened in alarm, and I shook my head, firmly. Im not hungry. Ill eat
when I get home.
How can you not be hungry? Bella gave me a doubtful look. Alice told me you
barely touched your breakfast this morning.
Fucking Alice, and her big mouth!
I closed my eyes for a moment, willing the panic to go away. Bella-
Edward... She cut me off, her voice suddenly soft, and my eyes immediately

went to the hand she was holding out. Its okay, just relax. Were not going to the
cafeteria. Will you just trust me?
Blinking in confusion, I was both astonished and horrified by the fact that she had
somehow figured out the reason behind my unwillingness to eat at school. I kept
staring at her hand, so close, but yet so far away. Because all of the sudden, I was
frozen at the spot, unable to move.
Finally I realized that Bella had asked me a question, and was waiting for my
answer. I managed to snap out of the stupor, and slowly reached out my own hand,
hesitantly grasping hers. Not trusting my voice to hold, I just nodded,
dumbfounded.
The relief on her face was obvious, and she gave me a small smile. Good. Then
come with me.

Chapter 22
BPOV
It all happened so fast, I barely got the chance to react, let alone object. One
moment, Edward and I were standing by my locker, and the next, he was already
at the other side of the hallway, leaving me to stare after him with my mouth open
and wondering what had just happened.
All I had done was ask him to sit with me at lunch.
For a brief moment, I considered running after Edward and demanding to know
what the problem was, but I quickly decided against it, sensing that this was not a
time for chasing him. If he wanted some space, I would give it to him. Besides,
whether I liked it or not, I had classes to attend.
But did I do something wrong? Was Edward mad at me for some reason? He
hadnt seemed mad, merely uncomfortable, but I couldnt be certain.
Bella! Hey, Bella, wait up! A familiar voice brought me out of my troubled
thoughts, and I threw a look over my shoulder, seeing Jessica and Lauren heading
in my direction.
I put on a strained smile. Hey, guys. Jess had been nice to me the first couple of
days, however, I hadnt really talked to her lately. Lauren on the other hand hadnt

made much of an impression on me, seeing how she had barely said two words to
me so far. Still, I included her in my greeting, not wanting to be rude.
To my surprise, Jessicas smile seemed even more forced than mine, and she
glanced at Lauren before turning back to me. Bella, seriously, the whole schools
talking. Whats going on?
Huh? Talking about what? I gave her a bewildered look, wondering why she
would think I knew anything of importance. Then a couple of older girls walked
by, all of them staring at me as they passed, and I frowned. Okay, so maybe
something was going on. I just didnt know what, although I suspected I was about
to find out.
Lauren sneered at me, not bothering to answer my question. Maybe you should
just hang with the Cullens from now on. She practically spat the name out, and I
blinked in confusion, too stunned to come up with some response.
Jess let out a nervous laugh. Its not like theyre all bad. I mean, Emmetts all
right, and hes dating Rosalie Hale. She has the coolest car, by the way. And Alice,
well, shes a little weird, but shes got really great fashion sense. Look, Bella,
dont take this the wrong way; were just trying to help you. Youre new here, and
something like this could totally ruin your reputation.
I turned my attention from Lauren to Jessica, unable to keep the doubt out of my
voice. I have a reputation? Then I finally understood where she was going with
this. Are you saying this is about Edward? Lauren just gave me a duh look, and
I blushed, feeling a little stupid for not putting the pieces together sooner. That
would explain the looks and whispers, but seriously, didnt people here have
anything better to gossip about?
Jess grimaced, somewhat apologetically. I mean, I know the guys your lab
partner, which is totally not your fault, by the way. But seriously, you dont have to
talk to him when youre not in class. And siding with him against Mike Newton?
God, Bella, what were you thinking? Edward Cullens a freak; everybody knows
that! You cant just-
I cut her off in her ramblings, having heard enough, Okay, just stop it, right there.
I dont have to stand here and listen to this. She opened her mouth, but I went on,
only getting angrier by the minute, You guys think I actually give a damn about
something as trivial as my reputation? Well, think again. You have no right
telling me who I can or cannot talk to, you hear me? Edward happens to be my
friend, which is more than I can say about you two.

They just stared at me in shock. I rolled my eyes. You know what? You guys are
just wasting my time. Excuse me. With that, I spun around and walked away with
my head high, although I was fuming on the inside. Who the hell did Jessica and
Lauren think they were? With friends like them, who needed enemies? I sure
wasnt going to shed any tears over losing their so called friendship.
In fact, I really couldnt care less what they thought of me.
I had just stepped around a corner when I saw something that made me stop dead
in my tracks. About twenty feet away from me, leaning back against the line of
lockers, was Mike Newton. However, what made me react was the person standing
next to him. It was Emmett. The two of them were in the middle of what seemed
to be a private conversation, talking in low voices with their heads close together.
As I watched them from a safe distance, I couldnt help but wonder what was
going on, and I started to get a sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach. Were
Emmett and Mike actually friends? Had I been wrong in my assumption yesterday,
regarding Emmetts motive for breaking up the fight? Had he just interfered to
help Mike, not really caring about the fact that his brother might get in trouble?
All of the sudden, I didnt know what to think.
Then something totally unexpected happened; something I never wouldve
predicted. Without warning - at least as far as I could see - Emmett slammed his
fist right into the locker, just barely missing Mikes face with about an inch. I
could see Mike shrink back in fear with his eyes shut as Emmett leaned in close
and said something, unfortunately, I was unable to make out any of the words.
In the next moment, Mike rushed off like the devil himself was after him. I
watched the scene playing out in front of me, my eyes wide in disbelief. That was
when I realized Emmett had spotted me, and was now heading towards me. Not
really sure of what to do, I just remained where I was, waiting to see what he
would do.
He stopped in front of me, a somewhat sheepish expression on his face. I guess
you saw that, huh?
Um... I shook my head to clear it. I guess. Not exactly sure what it was I just
saw, though, but yeah. I saw. I paused. Okay, would you mind explaining...?
Im not a complete jerk, Bella, he interrupted me, his words making me blink in
surprise. I know you dont think much of me, but did you actually expect me to
just let Newton get away with that stunt he pulled yesterday?

I eyed Emmett suspiciously, because in all honesty, I had. But as I now looked him
in the eyes, I wondered if maybe I had been wrong about him after all. Because he
suddenly seemed so sincere, and - for some reason - eager for me to believe him. I
just wasnt sure why my opinion would mean anything to him.
So I shrugged, feeling kind of awkward. I dont know you, Emmett. Isnt that
what you said to me yesterday? How am I supposed to know what to expect from
you?
True. He looked a little embarrassed. I guess youll just have to take my word
for it, then.
Uh-huh. I gave Emmett a skeptical look. Or youll just have to work a bit
harder to convince me. Whether he was being sincere or not, I wasnt going to let
him off the hook that easily. Because I wanted some answers.
He raised a brow. Are you serious? I just looked at him, expectantly, and he let
out a sigh. What do you want me to say?
Just tell me one thing. I crossed my arms over my chest. Do you care about
your brother at all?
Emmett just stared at me for a moment. Then he shook his head in exasperation.
What kind of fucking question is that?
Oh, Im sorry! The sarcasm in my voice was obvious. I forgot; youre not
really brothers. My mistake. Let me start over. Do you care about Edward at all?
He kept staring at me, but now he started to look angry, and for a brief moment, I
was afraid I had over-stepped my bounds and gone too far. Still, I refused to back
down.
Now look... Emmett hesitated a little, and I could see how he struggled to keep
his voice down. After all, we were standing in the middle of the hallway, with
people passing by and throwing curious looks in our direction. I could tell you to
just back the hell off and mind your own damn business, because youre really
pushing it right now.
He was right; I really was. Funny how I just couldn't find it in me to care.
Emmett went on, But I can see that, in your own annoying way, youre really just
trying to help. Im not stupid, Bella. You obviously have a thing for Edward. And
he clearly feels the same way about you. But you really need to stop and think

things through before you go any further; make sure you know what youre getting
yourself into. Because... what? He stopped, giving me a look of confusion.
I realized I was staring at him with my mouth hanging wide open, and had to
remind myself to breathe. Did Edward tell you... that he has some kind of...
feelings for me?
No, Bella. Emmett rolled his eyes, and I knew he could see how my face fell. He
sighed. Edward doesnt talk to me, all right? Hell, he doesnt really talk to
anyone. But Im not blind; Ive seen the way he looks at you. He gave me a
thoughtful look. To answer your question - yes, I care. Of course I do. But
sometimes, hes making it really fucking hard.
All right, I know you dont get along. I struggled to keep the irritation out of my
voice. But are you telling me its all Edwards fault? That youre completely
innocent? Im sorry, Emmett, but I just dont buy that.
Emmett glared at me. I never said that. But there are things you dont know,
Bella, things you couldnt possibly understand, because youre obviously just
looking at the situation from Edwards point of view. Its easy for you to stand
there and accuse me of being some heart-less douche bag who dont give a fuck.
I opened my mouth, but he wasnt finished. But Im telling you, its really hard to
be supportive when all you ever get for your effort is a fucking slap in the face.
Seeing how my eyes widened, he clarified, Figuratively speaking, of course.
Edward wouldnt dare hit me for real.
How come? I asked, a little surprised. Sure, Emmett was a lot bigger than
Edward, but somehow, I doubted that would stop him, should he ever feel
provoked or threatened. But Emmett had sounded pretty sure of himself.
He shrugged, suddenly looking a little uncomfortable, and I got the feeling he
hadnt intended to let that particular information slip out. Well, I mightve hinted
once that he shouldnt mess with me, or Dad wouldnt hesitate to send him back to
where he came from, he reluctantly admitted, avoiding to meet my eyes.
What?! I stared at him in horror, absolutely shocked by his cruelty. Are you
serious? What the hells wrong with you?!
Hey, I was just a kid at the time, Emmett protested, defensively. Hell, I dont
know why Im telling you this. Look, Bella, Im not perfect. Ive done some things
Im not very proud of, but you dont know what its like to live in the same house
as Edward. I swear; not a day goes by without him either throwing a tantrum or

locking himself up in his room, refusing to talk to anyone.

I swallowed hard, Emmetts words making me feel nauseous. It suddenly hit me
that Edward wasnt the only one suffering; the whole situation had to take its toll
on the rest of the family as well. Still, I couldnt find it in me to feel all that
sympathetic towards them. Because as far as I was concerned, if they had been
living with Edward for six years without managing to break through his defenses,
they hadnt been trying hard enough.
No matter how much I tried to push this new-found information to the back of my
mind, I was unable to let it go and pay attention during my morning classes. Every
time one of my teachers called on me, I ended up staring at them blankly before
admitting with flushing cheeks that I hadnt heard the question. And every time, I
felt beyond humiliated. Still, I couldnt focus for the life of me.
It was between two classes that I happened to run into Alice in the hallway. She
took one look at my miserable expression and dragged me with her into the girls
bathroom, demanding to know what was wrong. To tell the truth, I didnt even
know where to begin. Of course, Alice wasnt stupid. Did you and Edward get
into a fight or something? she asked, flat out.
No. I sighed. At least I dont think so. Im not sure. I mightve done something
to upset him, although I cant figure out what.
She got a concerned look on her face. What happened?
Thats the thing - I dont know. I rolled my eyes, unable to hide my frustration.
I just asked him to sit with me at lunch, and suddenly he couldnt get away from
me fast enough.
Oh. Alice nodded in understanding. Look, Bella, you didnt do anything wrong.
You see, Edward wont step inside the cafeteria. He... She hesitated. Well, he
hasnt exactly said anything out loud, but I think it makes him feel uncomfortable.
You know, too many people.
I gave her a doubtful look. Are you saying he never eats here at school? She just
shrugged and shook her head, and I felt a pang in my chest. The thought of
Edward rather going around hungry an entire day because he couldnt bring
himself to enter the cafeteria was almost more than I could stand.
In that moment, I got an idea.

*~*~*
About an hour later, I was standing by Edwards locker, clutching my school bag
tightly as I nervously looked around, hoping I hadnt missed him. When I finally
spotted him, slowly walking across the corridor, I had to fight the urge to just run
straight up to him. Instead I took a deep breath, forcing myself to stay calm. Hi.
Hey. He appeared to be a little surprised, but I noted with relief that he didnt
seem disappointed to see me. Shouldnt you be in the cafeteria?
I shook my head firmly, keeping my tone light as I made a lame joke about eating
being over-rated. Of course, my stomach had to betray me by growling, loudly,
and I couldnt hide my embarrassment. However, Edwards panicked expression
when I told him that he was going to eat as well made me immediately turn
serious.
Quickly assuring him that we wouldnt go anywhere near the cafeteria, I went on
by asking him to trust me. And I couldve cried in relief and happiness when he
took my hand and nodded, after a moment of hesitation. I managed a small smile.
Good. Then come with me.
Edward followed without objection as I led him through the corridor and out of the
school building. A few people stopped to stare at us, but luckily, no one made any
comments. I was pleased to notice that the sky was overcast, but it wasnt raining.
All the better. On the rare occasions when the sun made its appearance here in
Forks, practically everyone would find their way outside during lunch break.
As I looked around, my eyes landed on a couple of empty picnic tables, about a
hundred feet away. Perfect. Edward followed my gaze, and gave me a questioning
look. I nodded and tugged gently on his hand, heading for the farthest of the
tables, standing by itself under a large tree.
Once we reached the picnic table, I carefully put my school bag down on the
wooden bench and sat down, making sure to leave enough space for Edward. Then
I opened the bag and deliberately took a moment longer than necessary to
rummage through the contents, giving him a minute to decide whether to sit next
to me, or to simply take a seat across the table.
Hesitating a little, he then slowly sat down on the same side as me, although not so
close that our bodies were touching. Still, it took just about everything I had to
keep from grinning like an idiot and bounce up and down a la Alice. Instead, I
settled for giving him a soft smile.

Edward watched in silence as I started pulling out various items from my bag and
placing them at the table in front of us. It wasnt much really, just some simple
stuff I had gotten from the cafeteria; two different cans of soda, an apple, a banana,
two small cups of yoghurt, and two sandwiches with ham and cheese, wrapped in
plastic. Maybe tomorrow I could bring a lunch bag with a more decent meal, but
today, this would just have to do.
Glancing at Edward, I suddenly felt a little shy. Im afraid thats all I got. I
thought of bringing the mac and cheese, but I didnt think the inside of my bag
would approve. I rolled my eyes at my pathetic attempt of a joke.
Edward raised a brow and let out a snort. Then he became serious. Really, Bella,
you didnt have to do this.
I know. But I wanted to. I shrugged. I wanna spend the lunch with you. And
seeing how you dont wanna eat in the cafeteria, I figured well just have to find
another way. Simple as that.
He was quiet for a moment, watching me intently. Then he lowered his eyes.
What made you realize I dont wanna eat in the cafeteria?
Um... I bit my lip, deciding not to lie to him. Alice kind of indicated that youre
not much for crowded places. Seeing the alarmed look on Edwards face, I
hurried to add, To tell the truth, neither am I. Im sort of relieved, actually. This is
so much nicer. I almost added Just the two of us, but stopped myself at the last
second, fearing such an intimate statement would make him feel uncomfortable.
He gave me a doubtful look, as if he still couldnt see why I would willingly
choose his company, and it nearly made my eyes well up. But I took a deep breath,
put on a brave smile, and picked up the soda cans from the table. So, Pepsi or Dr
Pepper?
As Edward hesitantly reached for the can of Pepsi, not taking his eyes away from
my face, I couldnt help but think that we were slowly moving forward. Even
though we were taking baby steps, we definitely seemed to be going in the right
direction. And the thought thrilled me to no end.

Chapter 23
EPOV

There was so much I wanted to say in that moment, but my mind was filled with a
whirlwind of mixed emotions, keeping me from thinking straight. So I wordlessly
accepted the can of Pepsi from Bella, opened it and took a small sip as I struggled
to gather my thoughts. Once again, Bella managed to amaze me with her kindness.
I found myself wondering how much information Alice had actually given her.
While a part of me wanted to ask, I was afraid of finding out the truth. I wasnt
stupid; Bella had to have a lot of questions regarding my behavior, and since I
wouldnt give her the answers, surely the natural thing would be for her to ask
Alice instead.
The more time I got to spend with Bella, the harder it was to keep the truth about
my past a secret from her. There were times when I almost managed to convince
myself that she wouldnt judge me, and during one of those moments, I had played
with the idea of giving her some kind of hint, just to see what her reaction would
be.
But in the end, my cowardliness and self preservation won. I had come to depend
on Bella too much to dare take the risk of driving her away. Deep down, I knew
things were going too fast; Bella was tearing down my walls, and I was scared of
what she would find. I was losing control, and it fucking terrified me.
Over the last couple of days, Bella had become the one positive thing in my sad
excuse for a life, and all of the sudden, I couldnt bear the thought of going back to
the way things had been before. How could I, when I had learned that I was
capable of feeling something other than anger and self loathing? Only up until
now, I hadnt realized the feeling was hope. Hope for something I couldnt quite
describe, something I knew I didnt deserve, but longed for, nevertheless.
How it was possible to dread the idea of losing something youd never really had,
I didnt know. All I knew was that losing Bella now would most likely kill me.
Thats why I should be running.
I should be the one to walk away from this, reject her selfless promises of kindness
and friendship when I had nothing to offer her in return. I was a fool to stick
around, waiting for Bella to realize that I wasnt worth her time and effort. Waiting
for her to break the remains of my already battered heart.
Waiting for her to destroy me.

And yet, I couldnt bring myself to do it. I wanted - no, needed - to keep Bella in
my life for as long as I could. It was selfish, stupid, dangerous. But the way I felt
when I was around her made me want to forget the fact that she held the key to my
utter destruction in her hand. Eventually, she would leave. I knew it. This just
couldnt last.
My life wasnt some fucking fairytale. The term happily ever after didnt exist in
my world. I knew for a fact that life was cold, hard and cruel. There would be no
happy ending for me.
I had already accepted that years ago, when I was first hit by the painful
realization that my mother wouldnt tell James to remove his hand from the back
of my head and stop pressing my face against the hard, wooden floor, even as I
was dry-heaving and gasping for air, screaming on the inside and wishing for the
pain to Just. Fucking. Stop.
Even now, after all these years, I could still recall the panic and desperation I felt
as he kept panting in my ear, forcing his full weight on me and holding me down
until he was finished, leaving me silent and defeated on the floor as he scrambled
to his feet, pulled up his pants and finally sauntered out of the room.
It was only then - after hearing the merciful sound of the door closing and his
footsteps decreasing on the other side - that I would allow myself to break down,
no longer able to hold back the muffled sobs of pain and humiliation as I curled up
in a fetal position and wept myself into a state of exhaustion.
Of course, even then, I couldnt fully relax. Because I knew he would come back.
Maybe not that night, but there would always be the next day. And the next...
Edward? Bellas frantic voice brought me back to reality. I realized I had put the
soda can down at some point, and was now clenching my fists so tightly that my
finger nails were digging into my palms, hard enough to break the skin and cause
drops of blood to trickle between my fingers. I frowned, having not felt any pain.
To tell the truth, I still didnt.
Feeling slightly dazed, I raised my eyes to meet Bellas, tilting my head to the side
as I noticed that her face had suddenly turned pale. Then I remembered the
incident in the kitchen a couple of days ago, when she had passed out at the sight
of her own blood, and I quickly shoved my hands down in my pockets. Im
sorry, I mumbled, barely recognizing my own voice.
My words caused her to snap out of it, and she stared at me in bewilderment. Then

she rolled her eyes, rummaged through her school bag until she found what she
was looking for, and offered me a Kleenex. God, Edward... she mumbled,
shaking her head in frustration. Why are you apologizing to me for?
Shrugging awkwardly, I just stared at the soft paper tissue she was holding out,
suddenly feeling extremely self-conscious. When I did no motion to take it from
her, just buried my trembling hands deeper in my pockets, she sighed. Please, just
talk to me. Whats wrong?
Whats wrong? I blinked at her words. I am! I finally managed to choke out,
angry both at myself and at her, although she had done absolutely nothing to
deserve my rage. Which - I supposed - only proved that my words were true.
Bella swallowed visibly, then slowly shook her head. Im sorry, she finally
whispered. Im so sorry he made you feel that way.
I froze, staring at her in shock. Her eyes widened, and she got an alarmed look on
her face, immediately raising her hands, as if to prevent me from running away.
But no matter how badly I suddenly wanted to, I was unable to move.
She couldnt possibly know.
I - I mean the person who hurt you, she stuttered in explanation, wringing her
hands nervously. You said... yesterday... Her voice trailed off, and she closed her
eyes for a moment. I kept staring at her, feeling like my head was spinning, and I
didnt know what to think.
It was true; I did admit that someone had hurt me, yesterday, when we were at the
meadow. And I supposed it was only natural for Bella to assume that the person in
question was a male. But there had been something in her voice when she said the
word he, and then her reaction afterwards, as if she hadnt intended for it to slip
out.
Fuck!
Dont. My hands grasped at the edge of the table, and I lowered my eyes in
shame. Bella, please, just dont... The pleading note in my voice made me
cringe, and I didnt even know what I was trying to tell her.
Edward... Bellas voice was trembling, but I refused to look at her. Im your
friend. Dont push me away. Just... She inhaled, shakily. Just let me help you.
Help me? I let out a bitter laugh as the shame got replaced by anger, and finally

raised my head to look at her. Fuck, Bella, not you, too! She opened her mouth,
confusion evident on her face, but I went on before she could say anything, I
dont need you to treat me like some fucking charity case; I get enough of that at
home!
Charity case?! Shock and anger flashed across her face. Are you kidding me?
Ever considered the fact that people might actually care about you?
Yeah, well, they shouldnt bother. I glared at her. Fucking waste of their time.
My voice cracked, much to my horror. Bella became silent, looking at me with
large eyes, and the sudden understanding and sympathy I could see there almost
made me start blubbering like a fucking kid.
Edward, no. She instinctively reached out her hand towards me, then stopped,
hesitating. Thats not true. Dont you see? I shook my head in denial, but she
continued, I dont know the details of what youve been through, but he... she bit
her lip, the person who...hes the one whos bad, not you. He has obviously done
his best to convince you otherwise, but thats just... wrong.
I could hear what Bella was saying, it was just that her words didnt make any
sense to me. Carlisle and Esme had both told me something similar, as had the
countless therapists I had been seeing over the years. But they were all wrong.
They had to be. I always did something bad, so James had no choice but to to
punish me. Every single time. Thats how it worked.
The idea of James coming into my room every night, hurting me for no other
reason than his own pleasure, didnt exist to me; I refused to even take it under
consideration. I had to believe it was because of me; that if I had only been good
and behaved, then none of it would have happened.
Otherwise, the unfairness of it all would without doubt destroy me completely.
Remember when I told you about what happened to my arm? I gave Bella a
startled look, wondering what on earth had possessed her to bring that up now. She
looked me right in the eyes. For a moment, you thought Phil had hurt me on
purpose, didnt you? I merely nodded, still not understanding where she was
going with this.
Bella took a deep breath. Did you ever consider that I might have done something
to deserve it? That I had been... she swallowed, bad?
What? My eyes widened as I took in the meaning of her words. No! I gasped,
horror-struck. Thats not... I - I mean, even if... he had no right to... My voice

trailed off.
Exactly. Bella paused, looking like she was on the verge of tears. He had no
right. Cant you see the same thing goes for you? Whatever you did, he had no
right to hurt you.
Squeezing my eyes shut, I stubbornly shook my head, not wanting to listen to
whatever she was trying to tell me. I was only vaguely aware of the fact that Bella
and I were still sitting next to each other at the fucking picnic table, the fruit and
sandwiches she had brought still lying there in front of us, untouched and
forgotten.
I jumped as I felt Bellas small hand cover mine, and my eyes snapped open. A
part of me wanted to pull away, and I almost did, but somehow, her touch just felt
so fucking good, like soothing balm for both my body and soul. And all of the
sudden, I didnt just want it; I needed it, craved it, like the sensation of Bellas soft
skin against mine was the only thing that kept me from going insane.
So I grabbed her hand, almost fiercely, hit by a sudden urge to pull her against me
and bury my face in the crook of her neck, begging her to make it all go away.
My anger had vanished as quickly as it had appeared, and suddenly, I didnt care
about what Bella might be thinking, or what she did or did not know, as long as
she wouldnt stop touching me. The irony of it all wasnt lost on me; the thing I
used to dread more than anything had somehow become the one thing that would
calm me down, anchor me before I would lose myself to the turmoil inside my
mind.
I didnt understand it, and I couldnt even begin to explain it. But I wasnt stupid
enough to question it, either. Because right now, Bella was here, next to me. She
would leave eventually, but right now, she was still here, allowing me the comfort
of her presence. And for the moment, that was enough.
Bella... I croaked, wishing she would just let the whole thing go, that she would
stop telling me all these things I didnt want to hear, that I couldnt comprehend.
Because it was all just becoming too much. She gave me a questioning look, and I
kept my eyes locked on our hands as I went on, my voice trembling, I cant do
this. Please, if you really are my friend, just talk about something else. Anything.
Bella was quiet for a moment, and I held my breath as I waited for her objections.
But to my utter relief, she nodded in agreement. Yeah, okay... She hesitated a
little, and when she finally spoke up again, I noticed that her voice was somewhat
unsteady as well. Um, have you started studying for the midterms?

My head shot up, and I stared at her, perplexed. She blushed. What? Thats the
first thing that came to me. You said anything.
Right. I shook my head, trying to clear my thoughts. Bella was truly amazing. It
was only minutes ago that I had yelled and cursed at her, acting like a first class
asshole - again. And here she was now, completely willing to drop the subject, just
because I had asked her to. In fact, amazing didnt even cover it.
Bella was way too good for me. I didnt deserve her friendship.
Knowing I was dangerously close to falling right back into the dark place in my
mind that I so desperately wanted to avoid, I tightened my grip on Bellas hand
and forced myself to take a couple of deep breaths. Then I cleared my throat,
praying my voice would sound at least somewhat normal. No, I havent studied
yet. Theres still a month or so left. Plan to start the week before. What about
you?
Instead of answering, Bella remained silent, which caused me to frown. Then I
followed her gaze, and noticed that she was staring at our intertwined hands.
Realizing I was still squeezing hers pretty hard, my eyes widened in alarm as it hit
me that I might be hurting her. But before I got the chance to say anything - or pull
away - Bella spoke up, quietly, This is okay, right? She nodded towards our
hands.
I swallowed, not sure how to respond. In fact, it was more than okay, but I didnt
know to explain how I felt without making a fool of myself. Besides, my mouth
had suddenly become completely dry, so I settled for just nodding. Bella gave me
a small smile of relief.
Then she bit her lip, slowly raising her free hand towards my face, her eyes never
leaving mine. My heart started beating faster, and I just stared at her, not really
sure of what was happening. As her hand got closer, I instinctively tensed up.
Bellas movement stilled, and I could see the conflict in her eyes as she was
clearly unsure how to proceed.
I tried to relax, firmly telling myself there was no reason for me to feel threatened
by Bellas actions. She wasnt going to hurt me; the mere thought was ridiculous. I
was still clasping her other hand, and forced myself to ease the grip a little. Then I
exhaled, shakily, closing my eyes as I waited for her to go on.
What about this? she mumbled, finally placing her small, warm hand gently on
my cheek. I let out a soft gasp, and opened my eyes. Bellas face was a mixture of

uncertainty and hope as she whispered, Is this okay, too?

I opened my mouth, but no words came out. It was probably just as well, seeing
how coherent thoughts were no longer running through my brain. How could I
ever make Bella understand that her simple touch made me feel alive in a way I
had never experienced before in my life?
How was this possible? What was she doing to me?
Edward? I blinked, seeing the sudden panic in Bellas eyes. Please, say
something.
Suddenly terrified that she would remove her hand from my face, I nodded
frantically and leaned into her touch, almost desperately. Yes, I finally managed
to get out. Yes, its okay.
Really? she asked, hopefully. I nodded again, my heart skipping a beat when
Bellas face lit up like someone had just told her she had won a million dollars at
the lottery.
And all of the sudden, I felt like fucking crying, because I realized that - incredible
as it may sound - it was my words of acceptance that made Bella so happy. I was
making her happy, simply by telling her I was okay with her touching my fucking
face.
As if I was giving her some precious gift, when in reality, it was the other way
around.
Dont stop, I all but whimpered, pleadingly. Bella, please...
Shh... She ran her fingers tenderly down my cheek. Ill only stop when you tell
me to.
As Bella kept stroking my face, I couldnt help but think that this was all just too
good to be true. For a brief moment, I had been allowing myself to hope for
something I didnt deserve, something that was out of my reach. Good things just
didnt happen to me. Because I was...
Hes the one whos bad, not you. He has obviously done his best to convince you
otherwise, but thats just... wrong.
Bellas voice echoed in my head, but I stubbornly refused to take in the meaning
of her words. Instead I tried to focus on the pleasant feeling of her soft fingers

against my skin, reminding myself that it couldnt last, and that Id better enjoy it
while I could.

Chapter 24
BPOV
I knew I had taken a huge risk, reaching out to Edward and touching him in such
an intimate way, and truth be told, I had half expected him to either flinch back, or
simply swat my hand away. And he had tensed up at first, almost causing me to
lose my nerve and back out.
But the fact that he stayed where he was - making no attempt of getting away from
me, despite his obvious wariness - gave me enough courage to go on. And his
reaction when I finally dared to put my trembling hand on his cheek left me
completely awestruck.
When I asked him if it was okay - my voice barely recognizable, and my heart
beating so hard I was convinced that even Edward had to hear it - he didnt answer
at first, and for a moment, I feared I had just made a huge mistake. Please, say
something, I whispered, terrified that I had gone too far.
Because in all honesty, after my thoughtless slip of the tongue - when I had almost
revealed my knowledge of the fact that Edwards step father had been the one
hurting him - a part of me had just been waiting for another disaster, certain that it
was just a matter of time before I would mess up again.
Especially after his sudden fit of rage, when I had told Edward I wanted to help
him.
But when he had angrily stated that people shouldnt bother to care about him, that
they would just be wasting their time, something clicked inside my head, and all of
the sudden, I could see right through the hard facade he so desperately tried to
keep up.
Seeing how my words alone didnt seem to get through to him - although I hoped
they had made enough impression on him to at least scrape the surface - I did the
only thing I could think of at the moment, the only thing that had seemed to
compose him before.
I offered him my hand.

And to my utter relief and happiness, it had worked. In fact, Edward hadnt just
taken my hand and held it; he had been clasping it so hard, I was half convinced I
would have a bruise in the morning. Of course, even if that turned out to be the
case, I could care less. Because something about the way he was suddenly clinging
to me made me feel like we were about to cross an important level of some kind.
Which had turned out to be true.
Because instead of pulling away from me, Edward actually pressed his cheek
further into my palm, as if he suddenly dreaded the loss of contact. Yes, he
finally told me in a thick voice. Yes, its okay. And his words of acceptance
made me want to jump up and down in pure joy.
But it was his next words that made my heart practically burst with emotion.
Dont stop, he pleaded, his eyes full of uncertainty and fear, as if he was
expecting me to reject him. Bella, please...
And I just couldnt take it anymore. Shh... I whispered, struggling to hold back a
sob. Ill only stop when you tell me to.
If it was up to me, I would be more than willing to just keep touching him forever.
As I kept caressing his face with slightly trembling fingers, I firmly told myself
that the only thing Edward needed - or wanted - from me at this point was
comfort. Still, a part of me couldnt help but hope that, one day, he would be ready
for something more. Of course, I kept that thought to myself.
We spent the next five minutes in a comfortable silence, drinking what was left of
our sodas and munching on the food I had brought. Although we had to break the
physical contact temporarily as we ate, my hand always found its way back to
Edwards face between bites and swallows, and he kept reaching for my hand.
While it felt like hours - or possibly days - had passed since Edward and I had left
the school building to come out here, the lunch break was over all too quickly, and
it was time to head back inside for the next class. Which - thankfully - happened to
be Biology, so at least we wouldnt have to split up.
Because right now, I didnt think I would be able to tear myself away from
Edward if my life depended on it. And I had a feeling he felt the same way.
We didnt really talk much as we walked through the corridors, only stopping at

our lockers to pick up the books we needed. And luckily, unlike this morning, most
of the other students seemed too busy to pay much attention to me and Edward,
because we made it to the classroom without any uncomfortable incidents.
However, as we crossed the room, heading for our lab table in the back, I didnt
fail to notice the hateful glare I received when we passed Tyler Crowley, and I
immediately lowered my eyes to the floor, shame welling up inside me as I
remembered how he had asked me to the prom last week, and my reaction when
he had grabbed my arm.
All of the sudden, I felt the familiar beginning of a headache coming up, and it
took just about every ounce of self control I possessed to keep moving forward
until I reached my seat. Taking a couple of deep breaths, I reached into my pocket,
searching desperately for my pills while I prayed no one would notice.
That was when I felt a tentative hand on my arm. Bella? Whats wrong? I hadnt
even noticed Edward slipping into the seat next to mine.
Swallowing hard, I tried to focus on his worried face, instead of the large, white
spots suddenly dancing before my eyes. My head, I admitted quietly, giving up
the attempt of acting like everything was fine. Pulling out the small, plastic bottle,
I quickly hid it under the table as I struggled to get it open.
Here, let me, Edward murmured, carefully taking the bottle from my shaking
hands and easily removing the lid. Then he hesitated for a moment, before shaking
out two of the small pills in his hand and looked at me, somewhat uncertainly.
Two enough?
I nodded, gratefully taking the pills from him and discreetly slipping them into my
mouth. Thankfully, this episode was only a mild one; nowhere near as bad as it
had been the night of the sleep-over. Still, it made me feel both embarrassed and
annoyed.
It just didnt make any sense; the way I kept getting these stupid attacks. I first
started having them after my mom died, which the doctors had assured me was a
perfectly normal - yet not very common - reaction when dealing with a lot of
stress and grief. But this time, I hadnt even been thinking about her. Not to
mention the fact that I had been able to talk about both my mom and Phil, at
several occasions lately, without a problem.
So, why now, all of the sudden?
Feeling Edwards eyes on me as I let out a shaky breath, I glanced at him. Im

fine. He didnt look totally convinced, but as Mr Banner chose that moment to
enter the room, announcing that class was about to begin, Edward had no choice
but to let it go for now. In a way, I was almost relieved, not really comfortable
with people seeing this weak, helpless side of me.
I didnt miss the somewhat concerned looks Edward kept giving me as I tried to
focus on the notes I was taking during class, although he was clearly trying to be
discreet about it. While a part of me kind of liked the fact that he obviously cared
about my wellbeing, I felt a little bad for making him worry about me in the first
place.
At one point, I noticed how Edward tensed up in his seat. When I followed his
gaze, I realized he was glaring daggers at Tyler, who kept throwing annoyed
glances at me over his shoulder when Mr Banner was facing another direction. I
let out a sigh. It looked as if Tyler might become a problem. The last thing I
wanted was for Edward to get into any more trouble because of me.
Luckily, my sigh seemed to be the distraction Edward needed to turn his attention
from Tyler to me. As he gave me a questioning look, I managed a small smile,
mouthing, Cant wait to get out of here. He relaxed, visibly, and nodded in
agreement.
However, despite my words, I took a little more time than necessary to gather my
books and get up when the bell rang, knowing it meant that I not only had to go to
Gym, but also part from Edward. Although I wanted nothing more than to just skip
the class today as well, I knew it wasnt an option. Charlie had been pretty cool
about it yesterday, but I wasnt stupid enough to do the same thing twice.
But when Edward cleared his throat, suggesting a little nervously that Id meet
him at the parking lot after my final class was over so he could give me a ride
home, my irritation about having to go to Gym melted away, and I couldnt keep
the happy grin from showing as I eagerly nodded.
*~*~*
The following days went by pretty smoothly, considering the circumstances. Sure,
we had our fair share of both ups and downs, but all in all, by the end of the school
week, Edward and I only seemed to have grown closer. I started bringing a lunch
bag every day, big enough for both of us, and we kept spending the lunch breaks
together, out by one of the picnic tables.

At first, Edward had objected, insisting that I shouldnt have to go through all that
trouble for him when he just as easily could bring something to eat himself, but I
had been persistent, firmly reminding him that I enjoyed cooking, and even more
so when I had someone to share it with. After that, he accepted my food without
protests, and I could tell that he really enjoyed it, which made me almost
ridiculously pleased.
Although Alice had obviously figured out why I had suddenly stopped joining her
for lunch in the cafeteria, she surprised me by not making an overly big deal about
it. As she glanced at my lunch bag one day, she only gave me a soft smile, and told
me with a wink to let Edward make lunch for me some time, and not just the other
way around.
Needless to say, her words made my cheeks turn bright red, but I still managed a
smile and a nod before I rushed off to meet Edward by his locker.
Even though Edward seemed to be comfortable enough around me, he always
tensed up in company of others, and he avoided situations where he had to interact
with any of the other students in school - including his brother and sister - as much
as he possibly could. While his behavior did make me feel special in a way, I
didnt fail to see the sad part of it all.
It was painfully obvious that - aside from me - Edward trusted no one. And, to be
perfectly honest, I couldnt deny the fact that he still didnt trust me completely.
Because, even though he had come to accept - and once or twice actually initiated
- some kind of physical contact between us, he simply refused to open up to me
about his past.
While my heart ached for him, I also couldnt help but feel sorry for his family.
Because - as much as I had initially believed otherwise - it became more and more
clear to me that they actually did care about Edward. They just didnt seem to
know how to handle him, which was downright tragic, seeing how they had been
living with him for so many years.
It was Friday, with lunch break being almost over, when Edward started fidgeting
and running his fingers through his hair, and it didnt take a genius to figure out
that he was nervous about something. So, naturally, I silently told myself to be
prepared for the worst. However, his next words came as a total shock.
Look... Edward kept his eyes on the remains of his tuna sandwich. If you dont
want to, thats fine, I mean, I understand if youve already made plans for tonight.
But... He hesitated. If youre not busy or anything, you could always...
Glancing briefly at me, he then quickly looked away again and mumbled, come

over to our house for dinner.

It took a moment for my brain to register the meaning of his words, but when it
did, my eyes widened and I just barely managed to keep from squealing. Edward
wanted me to have dinner with him and his family? What did that mean? I wasnt
foolish enough to think there were any romantic intentions behind his offer, like he
wanted to properly introduce me as his girlfriend, or something, but what the hell?
A girl had the right to dream, right?
Its just that Alice has been bugging me about this for fucking days. But you can
say no if you want, you dont have to... Edward stopped as he saw how my face
fell. Bella? Whats the matter? There was a slight hint of panic in his voice.
Feeling like all the air had suddenly left me, I swallowed hard, unsuccessfully
trying to hide my disappointment. So, it was Alice who had put him up to this? I
should have known better than to think Edward would come up with the idea by
himself. All of the sudden, I felt very stupid for thinking he was actually ready to
bring me home to meet the family, although technically, I had already met them.
Thats okay. I struggled to keep my tone light, knowing I was failing miserably.
I know how pushy Alice can be when she wants something. Just tell her I
couldnt make it; Ill think of some excuse.
Having been certain that Edward would be relieved, I was surprised when he
suddenly looked like someone had just punched him in the stomach. Ducking his
head, he nodded in acceptance. Its all right, I understand. Didnt really expect
you to say yes. I mean, Im sure youve got better things to do on a friday night.
Just forget that I asked.
I frowned at his reaction, wondering if maybe I had been jumping to conclusions
when I assumed Alice was the only reason he had asked me in the first place.
Because all of the sudden, he looked absolutely devastated. Its not that, I
hurried to assure him, deciding to just forget about my stupid pride and be honest.
I just dont want to push you into something youre not up to, thats all.
Edwards head shot up, and he stared at me like I had just grown a second head.
What the fuck are you talking about? he demanded.
Shrugging, I nervously started fidgeting with the hem of my jacket. Id love to
come over for dinner, I mumbled, if you really want me to be there, and youre
not just doing this to get Alice off your back.

Finally something seemed to click, and Edwards eyes widened as he obviously

realized why I had hesitated. Fuck! he muttered, rolling his eyes in exasperation.
Look, Bella, Im a fucking idiot, all right? I dont know what the fuck Im doing
most of the times, and I know itll just be a matter of time before Ill screw this
shit up for real. But I do want you to be there, dont think for a second that I
dont.
Relief welled up inside me and I relaxed, not even bothered by the fact that
Edward had just referred to the strange bond between us as this shit. Then Ill
be there, I told him, matter-of-factly. For a moment, he looked a little doubtful,
and he watched my face closely, as if to see if I really meant it.
Then he seemed to relax as well. Thank you. He sighed. Bella, Im not used to
this.
His words tore at my heart, although I managed a small smile. Neither am I, I
admitted. But its okay. Well just... I shrugged, searching for the right words,
figure it out along the way. Edward looked so hopeful in that moment, I nearly
found the courage to confess how I really felt about him. Nearly, but it wasnt
enough. I still feared that the truth would scare him away.
And that would without doubt kill me.
I hadnt been lying to Edward; I really wasnt used to feeling like this. He affected
me in some way I couldnt even begin to explain, and it both scared me and
thrilled me at the same time. What Id felt for Jacob, back in Phoenix, didnt even
come close to this, even though I had been convinced I was in love with him in the
beginning.
But that was before he had started to change. And I would not allow myself to
dwell on that anymore. He just wasnt worth it.
As soon as Charlie got home from work, I told him I had been invited over to the
Cullens for dinner. He nodded his approval, before insisting that Id bring Alice
over to our house some time, instead of us just hanging out there. I smiled and
nodded, silently wondering how he would react, should I inform him that Alice
was not my number one reason for being so eager to go.
I realized I would have to tell Charlie about Edward eventually. But to tell the
truth, I was more than a little nervous about how he would take it. An image of my
father, demanding to meet the boy who had caught his only daughters interest in
person, so he could question Edward about his intentions while he was pointedly
cleaning his shotgun popped into my mind, causing me to cringe.

Okay, so maybe I should just stall things for as long as I could. Especially since
Edward and I were just friends, anyway. Right?
All of the sudden, I didnt know what to think.

Chapter 25
EPOV
The first thing I saw when I stepped through the front door was Alice, sitting in
front of the TV and trying to act as if she wasnt just waiting for me to come
home. As I closed the door behind me, she sat straight up on the couch, one leg
bouncing up and down like she had just had about ten cups of fucking coffee, and I
gave her a suspicious look. What? I demanded.
What? she echoed immediately, attempting to sound innocent, but I knew better.
Alice opened her mouth, then closed it again, and when she finally spoke up, I
could tell that she was having a hard time controling herself. So, how was your
day? Did anything... special happen? A huge, knowing grin spread on her face.
Thats when I realized she must have talked to Bella, and let out a sigh. I shook
my head, pretending I had no idea what she was talking about. No, not really, I
lied, watching how her face fell before I slipped past her into the kitchen. Of
course, it only took her about two seconds to recover, and I heard how she jumped
up from the couch with a huff, and followed.
However, as she entered the kitchen, she just glanced at me before quietly walking
over to the sink, grabbing a glass from the dish stand and filling it with water.
Then she took a small sip, and leaned back against the counter. You dont wanna
talk to me? Thats fine. I just have one question.
Clearly taking my silence as a sign of acceptance, she continued, Are you
planning on actually telling Mom and Dad that youve invited Bella over for
dinner tonight, or were you going to just set an extra plate at the table and leave it
to them to figure it out?
Giving her an annoyed look, I then rolled my eyes. Yes. Thats exactly what I was
going to do, I muttered, sarcastically. Think theyll notice?

Alice let out a soft snort of amusement. Then she became serious. Look, I only
know about this because I asked Bella if she wanted to come over tonight. She got
all embarrassed and admitted that she was already invited.
Oh. I really didnt know what else to say. In a way, I was relieved that Bella
hadnt made a big deal about it. A part of me still had a hard time taking in the fact
that I had actually made such a bold move as asking Bella over for dinner. Not that
I wished I hadnt, but the more I thought about it, the more nervous I became.
You know, she seemed really happy when I talked to her. Alice got a thoughtful
expression on her face. In fact, I dont recall seeing her this excited before, not
even when I invited her over for the sleep-over last week.
She was excited? The moment the words had left my mouth, I wished I could
just take them back, the hopeful note in my voice making me cringe. But, to my
great relief, Alice just nodded, and I let out the breath I had been holding.
So, Bella was excited about tonight? I forced back the urge to grin like a fool.
Then reality came crashing back down, and I felt my stomach drop. What if the
whole thing turned out to be a complete, fucking disaster? While the thought of
letting Bella into my life was scary, to put it mildly, it was nothing compared to the
idea of her not wanting to be a part of it.
What if I couldnt handle it? What if Bella decided that she couldnt be friends
with someone who would only ever talk on his terms? It was only natural for her
to get fed up with me, and leave. Or, what if I eventually would open up to her, tell
her everything she wanted to know, and she still left because she couldnt deal
with it?
Maybe I was an idiot for hoping Bella would somehow miraculously understand
me, should I just dare to give her the chance. Maybe this was all just a huge
mistake; me longing for something I could never have.
But she wanted to come here tonight. Hell, according to Alice, Bella had been
fucking excited.
And, God help me, so was I.
When Esme appeared in the doorway a couple of minutes later, happily
announcing that she was about to start making dinner, Alice conveniently had to
leave the room to call Jasper, but not before raising a brow at me and nodding
discreetly in Esmes direction, giving me a look I suppose was meant to be
encouraging. I sighed.

Esme smiled at me when I remained by the counter. How was school?

Fine, I mumbled, trying to decide how to bring up the fact that Bella was
supposed to come over in less than two hours. I found myself actually wishing
Alice hadnt left, because normally, she would without a doubt have blurted the
whole thing out before I even got the chance to open my mouth, and then I
wouldnt have to.
Thats nice. If Esme was disappointed when I didnt elaborate, she didnt let it
show. Honestly, I would have been very surprised if she had actually expected me
to; she knew I rarely spoke much around the house unless I had to. She walked
over to the fridge, glancing at me over her shoulder. I was thinking chicken
casserole and rice. How does that sound?
Good. I tried to keep the impatience out of my voice. Listen, Esme, I was,
um... She turned to look at me, a curious expression on her face, and all of the
sudden, I felt beyond awkward. Taking a deep breath, I kept my eyes on my feet as
I went on, I kinda told Bella she could have dinner with us tonight. Is that okay?
When I finally looked up, she gave me a warm smile. Edward, of course Bella is
welcome to come over. Shes such a sweet girl, and Im so glad the two of you
have become... friends? Her smile faltered a little at the last part, and she gave me
a questioning look.
Right. Thanks. Well, Ill just... I gestured towards the door, eager to get out of
the room before she would start questioning me any further. When Esme just
nodded in acceptance, I hurriedly left the kitchen and headed for the stairs. As
soon as I was alone up in my room, I searched my school bag for my iPod, hoping
some music would help me relax until Bella showed up.
Because I only seemed to get more agitated by the minute. I had a feeling that by
the time Bella arrived, I would be a nervous wreck.
When the door bell rang, about an hour later, I was torn between wanting to either
rush down the stairs to be the one to let Bella in, or simply stay put and hide here
in my room for the rest of the night. But, seeing how I had been the one to ask
Bella to come here, I figured the latter would be kind of rude.
Not to mention the fact that I really wanted to see her. It was just that the whole
situation suddenly seemed totally surreal to me. And I had no idea what to expect
from tonight. It made me feel more than a little anxious. But I took a couple of
calming breaths, and slowly left my room.

Bella was standing in the middle of the living room, talking to Esme when I got
downstairs, but as soon as she spotted me, her face lit up. Hi, Edward, she said
quietly, blushing a little.
Realizing I was just staring at her like a fucking idiot, I shook my head to clear it
and managed to mumble a hi in return. My eyes narrowed as I watched Bella
closely, trying to figure out if something was different about her tonight, but she
looked just the same as usual. She even wore the same clothes she had in school.
And yet - for lack of a better word - she seemed to be glowing.
Fucking beauitful.
I snapped out of it when Esme cleared her throat. Well, I better go check on the
food. Emmetts having dinner at Rosalies house, so they wont be joining us.
Carlisle should be home any minute. She started towards the kitchen, only to stop
when Alice came storming down the stairs, waving the cordless phone in the air.
Jasper followed close behind, nodding casually at me and giving Bella a friendly
wave.
Mom, its Dad on the phone. Alice handed Esme the phone before practically
skipping over to Bella and hugging her tightly. As Bella smiled and calmly
returned the hug, a strange feeling welled up inside me, and for a moment, a part
of me envied Alice. All of the sudden, I got hit by the irrational thought that I
wanted to be the only one Bella was touching in any way.
But in the next moment, Bella let go of Alice and took a step closer to me, while
Alice walked over to Jasper, giving him a soft smile. I glanced at Bella, trying to
resist the urge to take her hand. Not that I really expected her to object if I would,
but I didnt feel comfortable touching her with Alice and Jasper in the same room.
Esme chose that moment to re-enter the room, the phone still in her hand and an
unreadable expression on her face. When she noticed we were all looking at her
curiously, she put on a strained smile. Um, it looks like Carlisle will be a bit late.
He still has a lot of work to do at the hospital. But he said we didnt have to wait
for him, so why dont we just start? Dinner is just about ready.
Alice just smiled and followed Esme into the kitchen, Jasper in tow, but I
hesitated. I couldnt explain it, but for some reason, I got the sinking feeling there
was more behind Esmes words about Carlisle being late; something she wasnt
telling us. Her eyes had met mine for a brief moment, and I could just swear I saw
something there.

Bella frowned when she realized I wasnt coming, and she gave me a look of
confusion. Something wrong?
Instead of answering, I tentatively reached out my hand, desperately needing the
comfort of her touch. Bellas frown only deepened as she immediately took my
hand and held it between hers. Edward, youre shaking. Whats the matter?
I shook my head, not sure how to make her understand, and gestured pathetically
towards the kitchen. We should just-
Edward. Something in Bellas voice made me stop and look at her. She gave my
hand a squeeze before hesitantly running her fingers through my hair, and I was
unable to hold back a trembling sigh as I instantly relaxed. Im nervous, too, she
admitted, softly.
For a moment, I was certain my heart had just stopped. My eyes snapped open,
and I stared at her in disbelief. What? Why? I gasped, wondering if I had heard
her correctly. Because it made absolutely no sense to me.
Bella shrugged, clearly embarrassed, although she kept her eyes locked on mine.
Well, I just dont want anything to go wrong tonight, like me falling down, or
passing out, or dropping food in my lap. I want your family to like me. I opened
my mouth, but she went on, so quietly I was barely able to make out her next
words, I want you to like me.
I blinked, completely awestruck, then swallowed hard. I do. At first, I wasnt
sure whether I had actually spoken the two words out loud, or just in my head. But
the look on Bellas face told me shed heard me, loud and clear. Her eyes widened,
and the spark of hope I could see there made me realize she really meant it.
Then she gave me a small, almost shy smile. I like you, too.
I just stood there, frozen, staring at Bella in shock. I wasnt panicking, at least I
didnt think so, but my mind was suddenly racing, so fast I could barely keep up.
Bella liked me?
I wasnt a complete moron; over the last week, Bella had done her best to prove
that she genuinely cared about me, which meant that - no matter how utterly
absurd it seemed to me - she had to find at least something about me that she liked.
So I shouldnt be all that surprised to hear her confirm it. But I was.
When I remained silent, Bellas expression changed, and suddenly she looked

alarmed. Edward, say something, please. God, I shouldnt have brought it up. Im
sorry; I didnt mean-
No, I cut her off in her ramblings, shaking my head as I struggled to gather my
thoughts. I just... I mean... Fuck! I rolled my eyes in frustration, realizing my
inability to get the words out had to make me sound like a fucking retard, but I
couldnt help myself.
Surely Bella had to mean that she liked me as a friend, and nothing more. I could
deal with that.
But you want it to be more, dont you? You dont want Bella to go around liking
any other fucker. You wanna be the only one shes talking to, the only one shes
having lunch with. The only one shes touching.
I closed my eyes for a moment. So what if I wanted all those things? What I
wanted was irrelevant. When it came to Bella, I could never be worthy of
something other than her friendship, and hardly even that. Because I had nothing
to offer her, I could never give her what she needed. What she deserved.
Bella was kind, sweet, and pure. I was... nothing.
Hey... Bellas hand was suddenly on my arm. Its okay. Lets talk about this
later, all right? The others are probably waiting for us. I could only nod in
agreement.
Dinner was... interesting. What surprised me the most was how fucking normal it
all felt, like Bella had been a part of the family for years. She was talking, smiling
and laughing, and I could do little more than just sit there quietly next to her,
watching her in awe. Every now and then, she would give my hand a gentle
squeeze under the table, and every time, she glanced at me, as if to silently ask if it
was okay.
Okay? What a joke, seeing how it was Bellas presence and soft caresses that made
me sit through the entire meal, instead of just gulping down the food before
retreating back to my room, as usual.
So... Esme passed a large bowl of rice to Jasper. Do you kids have any plans
for the rest of the night?
Alice spoke up, shaking her head when Jasper offered her the rice in a silent
question, Jazz and I are going back to his place after dinner.

Jasper nodded in confirmation, turning to me and Bella. You guys wanna come,
too? We could all watch a movie or something. He gave me a questioning look.
Knowing it had to be Alice who had made him come up with the suggestion, I
fought the urge to tell him what I really thought about the idea - that I would rather
spend the night pulling my own teeth out with Carlisles rusty old cutting pliers.
Well pass, I muttered, realizing I probably sounded like an ungrateful douche
bag. The disapproving look I received from Alice told me that she agreed. Well,
too bad. In all honesty, I couldnt care less.
But then it hit me that Bella might want to go - after all, a movie night at Jaspers
house had to be more appealing than spending the night alone with me - and I
suddenly felt like shit for not even giving her the option. I swallowed, glancing at
her. I mean, if you wanna go... My voice trailed off, and I lowered my eyes.
No! Bella responded immediately, her cheeks turning slightly red. I mean,
thanks, Jasper, it was really nice of you to ask, but we were just gonna... She
hesitated, looking at me for help. I just shrugged, having no idea what she wanted
me to say. ...hang out here, Bella finished, sending an apologetic look in my
direction, which made me frown, because I was the one who should be
apologizing to her for behaving like an ass.
Luckily, Alice didnt protest. And Esme - clearly sensing the sudden tension at the
table - seemed to decide it was time to change the subject. She smiled at Bella.
Its so nice having you here tonight, dear.
Thank you, Esme. Bella politely returned the smile, her hand finding mine under
the table. Im really happy to be here, she added, casting a brief look at me.
I felt myself relax, suddenly realizing Bella had practically admitted in front of
everybody that she wanted to stay here with me. She could have come up with
some excuse about her having to go straight home after dinner, but instead she had
told Alice and Jasper that the two of us were going to hang out, like we had
already made plans or something.
The thought made me smile, because I couldnt think of anything I wanted more
than to spend the rest of the night alone with Bella.
Everybody fell back into a comfortable conversation, except me, who kept
watching Bella in silence. She seemed so genuinely happy tonight, like there was
no place in the world she would rather be, but right here next to me. I could relate
to that, although I still had a hard time believing it was all real.

It was a while later, when Alice and Jasper had just carried their empty plates over
to the sink and declared it was time for them to leave, that I heard the front door
open. A moment later, Carlisle entered the kitchen. He put on a smile, just as
strained as Esmes had been earlier, right after receiving his phone call. Hello, all.
Im terribly sorry Im so late.
Carlisles eyes landed on me, and I immediately knew something was up. It wasnt
until I heard Bella let out a soft hiss of pain that I realized how hard I was
suddenly squeezing her hand, and pulled away like I had just been burned by acid.
Something was obviously wrong, and I didnt know what it was. It scared the
living crap out of me.
Listen... Carlisle started, clearing his throat. There is something-
Carlisle, Esme interrupted him, a warning note in her voice. Not now. She
glanced at Bella. We have company.
He looked like he was going to object, but then nodded. Youre right. It can
wait.
Bellas eyes went from Esme to Carlisle, and I could tell that she had picked up on
the tension between them. Um... There was a moment of hesitation before she
went on. If you guys want me to go... She left the rest of the sentence hanging in
a silent question.
No! I grabbed her arm without even thinking, terrified that she would just get up
and leave. Not caring that everybody was suddenly staring at me, I scooted closer
to Bella and tightened my grip on her arm, as if to prevent her from moving. You
dont have to go, I managed to get out between gritted teeth as I kept my eyes on
Carlisle.
He watched me with large eyes before turning to Bella, slowly nodding his head in
agreement. Of course not. Bellas face was a mixture of relief and confusion,
and she bit her lip before placing her hand on top of mine, nodding in acceptance.
Okay... Esme rose from her chair, throwing a quick look at Jasper as she made
an attempt of starting to clear the table. Jasper, honey, why dont you and Alice
just head over to your house, like you had planned?
But... Alice started to object, but Jasper gave her a look, calmly shaking his
head, and she became quiet.

Sure, he agreed, firmly taking Alices hand and leading her towards the door. He
stopped, casting a brief look over his shoulder. Esme, thank you so much for
dinner. Um, have a nice evening. And they were gone.
Esme walked over to the sink, carefully putting down the empty glasses, then
sighed as she remained with her back towards us. You just had to start this now,
she mumbled, and I knew her words were directed at Carlisle. I just didnt
understand the meaning of them.
Carlisle gave her a somewhat annoyed look before he cleared his throat again, and
turned to me. Edward. Theres something I need to tell you. Would you please
follow me into my office?

Chapter 26
BPOV
I couldnt deny that my nerves had been all over the place before I arrived at
Edwards house, but to my great relief, dinner had been going pretty well, all
things considering. Or at least until Carlisle showed up. I didnt know what was
happening, but all of the sudden, the tension between him and Esme was so thick
you could cut it with a knife.
Edwards reaction when I asked if I should leave surprised me. Not that I actually
wanted to go; his agitation was painfully obvious, and the mere thought of leaving
him like that made my heart ache, but somehow, it seemed like the polite thing to
do. Thankfully, Carlisle agreed that I could stay.
Although I knew it had to be my mind playing tricks on me, the temperature in the
room seemed to have dropped several degrees, and I couldnt help but shiver as
Edward turned his fearful eyes to me. I just wanted to tell him that everything
would be okay, but I couldnt, because I had no idea what was going on.
So I just ran my thumb soothingly over his knuckles, nearly crying when he
reluctantly eased the death grip he had on my arm and got up, following Carlisle
out of the room without a word.
For a minute or so - although it felt longer - I remained silent, fidgeting awkwardly
in my seat. Then I took a deep breath and looked at Esme, who had yet to say a
word since Edward and Carlisle walked out the door. What just happened?

Im so sorry, Bella. Esme finally turned around to face me, a pained expression
on her face. This is not how I had hoped this night would turn out. I specifically
asked Carlisle - Ibegged him - not to stir things up tonight. But did he listen to
me? She let out a frustrated sigh. I love my husband, and his heart is in the right
place, but sometimes he can be so... dense.
Having no idea how to respond to that, I lowered my eyes and nervously wrung
my hands in my lap. Luckily, Esme noticed my discomfort and gave me an
apologetic look. Forgive me, dear. I didnt mean to make you feel
uncomfortable. She hesitated a little before she walked over to the table and sat
down next to me.
I forced a smile, although I suspected it came out more like a grimace. Thats
okay. I just... I glanced at her. You know what that was about, dont you?
Yes. I opened my mouth, but Esme went on, Its not my place to tell. Bella,
hes going to need you. But I must ask - how strong are you?
Um... I gave her a look of confusion. Why? What do you mean?
Esme was quiet for a moment. Finally she spoke up, looking me right in the eyes.
I didnt believe Carlisle at first, when he told me he had witnessed you and
Edward holding hands. I told him he had to be mistaken. But after what Ive seen
tonight... Youre special, Bella. I dont know if you realize it, but you are. The fact
that hes letting you touch him is huge, I never thought... She shook her head,
sadly.
I swallowed. I know Edward and I havent really known each other that long, but
I already care about him so much. I just wanna help him, but I dont know how.
She sighed. Has Edward mentioned to you that hes... that Im not...
Realizing what she was trying to ask me - obviously hesitating since she couldnt
be sure of how much Edward had actually told me - I took pity on her and nodded.
I know hes adopted.
Esme let out an unsteady breath. Did he tell you why? I shook my head in the
negative. I didnt think so, she mumbled, and for a moment, I was almost certain
I could see tears in her eyes. You have to understand that Edward is terrified of
letting anyone in. He shies away from other people, even his own family. And yet,
somehow, he seems to trust you.

Look... I started, but she wasnt finished.

Please, dont get me wrong. I cant tell you how grateful I am that Edward has
found someone he feels comfortable with. I can see that you really care about
him. Esme paused. But I need you to truly understand and be prepared for the
consequences of this relationship the two of you have going.
Relationship? I blushed.
She gave me a weak smile. Relationship, friendship, whatever you wanna call it.
Like I said, Bella; he is going to need you. But it wont be easy for you. Thats
why I asked you how strong you are. Because this will require a lot of strength and
patience from your side. I love Edward like he was my own, but he is one
damaged young boy. Are you sure you will be able to handle it?
For some reason, her words made me angry. Yes, of course I can handle it.
Edwards a person, not a burden.
Esme sighed. Youre right. Nevertheless, hes bound to test your limits. Edward
may trust you in some way, but sooner or later, chances are he will try to push you
away, either to protect you, or himself. The question is, will you be strong enough
to stand by him, no matter what? She gave me a moment to let her words sink in.
Not needing any time to think about it, I looked her straight in the eyes and
nodded. Yes.
She watched me silently for a moment, then smiled. I was hoping youd say that.
Thank you. Seeing how her words made me frown, Esme went on explaining,
Ive seen first hand tonight how Edward acts around you, and I have to tell you, it
amazes me. Im so happy he met you, because it seems you are exactly what he
needs. I just hope... Her voice trailed off, and she let out a sigh.
I waited patiently for her to go on, but when almost a minute had passed, I realized
she either wouldnt, or couldnt. For a moment, I remained silent, contemplating
my options. There were so many things I wanted to ask her, but I didnt want to
overstep my bounds.
However, one thing that had been bugging me for days, and I just couldnt help
myself. I suppose - in my defense - the curiosity was getting the best of me. I
glanced at Esme, hoping I wasnt making a mistake. Esme? Whos Victoria?
Although I wasnt sure of what I had been expecting, her reaction confirmed my
suspicions; that whoever Victoria was, she played a major part in all of this. Esme

stared at me, her eyes wide in disbelief. Edward told you about Victoria?
I lowered my eyes to the floor, not wanting to lie and say yes, but also dying to
find out the truth. Her name may have come up, I answered truthfully, still
feeling slightly ashamed, because I knew I was partly leading her on, seeing how
Edward had never mentioned Victoria to me. However, I took comfort in the fact
that Esme would object if I was going too far; surely she wouldnt reveal anything
too personal without Edwards knowledge and permission.
Esme hesitated a little, clearly conflicted. Finally she spoke up, although her
reluctance was obvious. Victoria Masen is the social worker connected to
Edwards case. Theres a lot more to the story, though, but you will have to ask
him for any details. The tone of her voice told me that she doubted he would be
willing to share it with me, and it made me both sad and frustrated.
Still, I fully accepted that Esme wouldnt further discuss the matter, and a part of
me knew I shouldnt even have brought it up in the first place. Im sorry, I
mumbled. Its none of my business.
Her face softened. Bella, I realize you have a lot of questions. Its perfectly
understandable, and I dont blame you. But you need to give Edward some time.
He has a lot of issues, trusting other people being one of them. Just be patient, and
I believe he will open up to you when hes ready.
While I realized she had to know what she was talking about, I still didnt like the
idea of Edward suffering in the meantime. I just wished he would talk to me. Then
again, I couldnt really blame him. After all, like I had told Esme, we hadnt
known each other long. She was right - I needed to give him some time. Sighing
deeply, I nodded in acceptance.
Just be there for him, Bella. Esme put her hand on top of mine, and our eyes
met. For now, I think thatll be enough.
I was just about to agree, when a loud crash echoed through the house; the
unmistakable sound of something breaking. In the next moment, a door slammed,
so hard that I involuntarily winced. My eyes widened in alarm, and I immediately
jumped up from the chair.
Bella, Esme warned, and I froze in my tracks, spinning around to face her. She
rose as well, her face dead serious as she gave me a firm look. Stay here. There
was a sudden hint of authority in her voice that I hadnt heard before, and I blinked
in surprise and shock.

*~*~*
EPOV
I had followed Carlisle out of the kitchen, through the living room and into his
office, obediently putting one foot after the other, and it hadnt even occurred to
me to protest. Because I had known the moment he stepped through the door, hell,
even before that, that something had happened. And whatever it was, it was
obviously serious enough for him to want to discuss it in private.
Carlisle quietly closed the door behind us, and asked me to sit down. I stubbornly
remained where I was. Is this about what happened the other day at school?
He looked a little confused at first, then shook his head. No, its not.
Before he could go on, I spoke up again, hating the way my voice was trembling,
Then I dont know what Ive done wrong.
Edward... Carlisle closed his eyes for a moment. Its not about something
youve done. Will you please just sit down and listen to what I have to say?
I cast a brief look at the couch, then turned back to him with my arms folded
across my chest. Im listening.
He sighed, and I was half convinced he was about to object. But instead he nodded
in acceptance. Very well. Edward, Im not quite sure how to tell you this. The
reason I was late tonight is because I received a phone call from Chicago. Its
about James. He paused. Now, are you sure you wouldnt rather be sitting down
for this?
My mouth instantly became completely dry, and my heart started beating wildly in
my chest. Panic welled up inside me, and my entire body started trembling at the
mere mention of his name. Carlisles eyes widened in alarm, and he took a step
towards me. I could see by the way his lips were moving that he was talking to
me, but I didnt hear a word he was saying.
Was James about to be released from jail? Was he coming here? Or would I have
to go back there? Numerous thoughts and scenarios were suddenly running
through my head, although none of them very coherent. For a moment, I felt like I
was going to be sick.

Edward, do you hear what Im saying? Edward! The sudden sharp note in
Carlisles voice caused me to flinch. He immediately raised his hands and took a
step back. When he spoke again, his voice was a lot softer. Listen to me. Its not
what you think. He was shot by the police, three days ago. By the time they
arrived at the hospital, he had slipped into a coma. He hasnt woken up since, and
the doctors dont think he will come out of it.
I just looked at him, feeling like I was surrounded by a thick fog, because I had a
hard time to focus on his face. Realizing he was still talking, I blinked. W-what?
Carlisle sounded concerned. Edward, youre white as a sheet and look like youre
about to pass out any moment. You need to calm down and take a couple of deep
breaths. Do you understand me?
Feeling cold sweat break out on my forehead, I closed my eyes and tried to follow
his instructions. Then I stumbled over to the couch - although it was just a few
steps away, it felt like miles - and slumped down, trying to get my mind to process
what Carlisle had just told me. What happened? I whispered, barely recognizing
my own voice.
He slowly made his way over to me, hesitating a little before sitting down at the
far side of the couch. He was holding a young mother and her two children
hostage in her apartment. When the police showed up, he became violent. They
had no choice but to shoot him.
I shook my head in confusion, not yet understanding what he was telling me.
But... he was in jail.
Carlisle was quiet for almost a minute. Then he let out a sigh, and looked me right
in the eyes. He was. But he was released for parole, about a month ago. I
didnt... His voice trailed off, and he lowered his eyes to the floor.
For a moment, I just stared at him, unable to take in the meaning of his words.
Then, slowly, realization started to dawn on me.
You knew. My voice sounded hollow. What, you didnt think it was worth
mentioning? Carlisle opened his mouth, but I jumped up from the couch, feeling
like I had just been stabbed in the back. You didnt think I had the fucking right
to know that the bastard couldve showed up at our fucking doorstep?! Fury and
nausea welled over me, and I started shaking, badly.
Edward, listen to me. Carlisle got up as well, but made no motion of
approaching me as I immediately took a few steps back, silently warning him not

to come any closer. The reason Esme and I decided not to tell you, is because we
feared knowing would only agitate you, and we didnt want you to have to go
through any more than you already have. But you have to understand-
I interrupted him, letting out a snort of disbelief, Youve got to be fucking
kidding me!
You have to understand... Carlisle started over, patiently, that it was never a
question of him being able to find you. He was being monitored, and was to be in
regular contact with his parole officer, to whom I have been speaking with on a
weekly basis. James was not allowed to leave the state of Illinois. There was no
possibility of him coming here to hurt you.
You shouldve fucking told me! I glared at him, ignoring his words.
Carlisle didnt seem put off by my anger as he watched me, calmly. Do you really
believe that wouldve made you feel better? When I didnt answer, he went on,
What good would it have done? Esme and I thought you were better off not
knowing. Im sorry if you dont agree, but I still feel it was the right thing to do. I
assure you, we only had your best interests in mind. We always do.
I shook my head in denial, refusing to accept his explanation. You shouldve told
me, I repeated, clenching my fists. It wasnt your decision to make.
Yes, it was, Carlisle stated, firmly. And some day, I hope you will see it, too.
He paused. Edward, Ive been thinking, and I realize you probably dont want to
hear this, but I want you to consider going back into therapy.
What?! I stared at him in shock. I fucking told you-
He cut me off. Yes, I remember. But frankly, I see no other option. This is not a
healthy way of living, Edward. Dont you see what youre doing to yourself? Now,
I understand-
Understand?! I exploded. Understand what, exactly? That Im so screwed up
that even my fucking therapist is giving up on me? And you actually want me to
go back? Thats fucking bullshit, Carlisle. You dont understand!
Then explain it to me. Help me understand. His voice remained calm, which
only caused my frustration to grow stronger. I started pacing the room, feeling a
desperate need to punch something. Carlisle watched me in silence for a moment
before he spoke up again, softly, Tell me what youre feeling right now.

Fucking. Pissed. Off! I yelled, horrified when tears of fury and frustration
welled up in my eyes. Looking around in desperation, I grabbed the first object I
could find - which happened to be an empty coffee mug - and hurled it with great
force right into the wall, causing it to smash into a million pieces.
It was all becoming too much, and I didnt understand why he wouldnt just lose it
and yell right back at me. A part of me wished he would, maybe then I would feel
better about myself for lashing out at him again. But instead he just nodded in
acceptance. Can you tell me why?
I stopped abruptly, giving him a doubtful look. Are you serious?! How can you
be so... so fucking... I let out a frustrated growl as the words seemed to fail me.
Understanding? Carlisle suggested, calmly meeting my eyes. Im trying,
Edward. Now hear me out. I wont force you back into therapy against your will.
But you need to find some way to deal with what happened to you, to face your
inner demons. Because its killing you inside, whether youre willing to admit it or
not. James is not a threat to you anymore. How long are you going to let him keep
destroying your life?
His words made me freeze in my tracks, and I just looked at him in confusion. I
opened my mouth, then closed it again. Suddenly I felt like the walls were closing
in on me, and I heard myself breathing, heavily. In that moment, I knew I just had
to get away. So I rushed out of the room without another word.

Chapter 27
BPOV
What? But My eyes darted uncertainly from Esmes face to the doorway, and
then back again. She had told me to stay - or maybe ordered was a better way of
putting it, judging by the tone of her voice - but all I wanted was to find Edward
and make sure he was all right.
Bella... she started, only to stop as Carlisle entered the kitchen, visibly upset.
Esme tilted her head to the side and gave him a questioning look, and Carlisle
nodded in response, his eyes troubled and pained. I watched the two of them as
they seemed to be having a silent conversation.
Finally, I couldnt take it anymore. Is Edward okay? I blurted out, unable to

keep the concern out of my voice. They both turned to look at me, and I got the
feeling they had forgotten I was still in the room. For the first time tonight, I felt
like an intruder.
Hes... Carlisle hesitated for a moment. Listen, Bella, I dont mean to be rude,
but I think it would probably be best if you went home after all. I opened my
mouth, but he went on, Edward will be fine. However, he has just received some
news that might be a bit overwhelming for him to take in, and he will need some
time by himself to process this information.
I suddenly felt like something big and heavy was being pressed against my chest,
making it hard for me to breathe. Where is he? I whispered.
Carlisle sighed. He went up to his room. But-
I cut him off, something close to panic welling up inside me. Just let me talk to
him? Please.
He shook his head, a sympathetic expression on his face. Im sorry, Bella, but I
dont think that would be a good idea at the moment. Why dont you just call him
later tonight, and maybe-
No! I gave him a pleading look, forcing back a sob, because all of the sudden,
the thought of having to leave now was almost unbearable. He asked me to stay.
And you said I could. Please, just give me five minutes. I promise; Ill leave him
alone if he really wants me to. I just need to see him. Please?
I could see the conflict in his eyes, and he glanced at Esme for help before turning
back to me. I really dont think... His voice trailed off, and I prayed I was getting
through to him, because I suspected that - no matter what Carlisle and Esme
thought - Edward needed me right now.
Look, I realized I was pushing, but I couldnt help myself, Edwards the one
who invited me tonight. Its only fair that he should be the one to tell me to leave,
dont you think? Of course, deep down, I really hoped he wouldnt.
You have to understand, Bella... Carlisle looked me right in the eyes as he
obviously still tried to reason with me. Im not saying this as an attempt to scare
you off. Ive seen the effect you have on Edward, and believe me; nothing would
make me happier than him finally being able to let someone in. But when he gets
this emotionally distressed, chances are he will end up hurting you.
My eyes widened in disbelief, and I firmly shook my head in denial. Thats

ridiculous. Edward would never hurt me.

Carlisle let out a sigh and pinched the bridge of his nose. Maybe not physically,
but there are other ways. Right now, I believe the best thing you can do is to just
give him some time to calm down.
I was about to object - fully prepared to keep begging if I had to - but much to my
astonishment, Esme beat me to it and came to my rescue. Carlisle, maybe we
should just give her a chance.
He blinked in surprise. Are you serious?
Esme nodded, glancing at me before turning back to Carlisle. Shes different. I
dont know how, but theres obviously some kind of connection between them.
You saw it, too. Maybe... She hesitated a little. I dont know, theres just
something about the way he is responding to her. Then she turned to me. You
really meant what you said before, didnt you? About standing by Edward no
matter what?
I could only nod in response, not trusting my voice at the moment.
Carlisles expression told me he was torn between being hopeful and skeptical.
But you have known each other for how long? Two weeks? Im sorry, Bella; its
not that I question your intentions. I told you the other day that I believe you will
be good for Edward, and I meant it. He was quiet for a moment. All right. You
may go see him. But I have to ask you to respect his wishes. If he wants to be left
alone... He left the rest of the sentence hanging.
Then Ill leave, I finished with a nod, my heart beating faster at the thought of
getting to see Edward. Although I couldnt help but add, But any way, Ill come
back.
He nodded slowly, clearly taking in and accepting the meaning of my words. In
that moment, it hit me how much faith they were both putting in me, which made
me feel both touched and slightly apprehensive at the same time. Because what if I
was wrong, and wouldnt be able to help Edward after all? Then I would end up
letting all of them down.
I still didnt know what had transpired between Edward and Carlisle, what kind of
news Carlisle had been referring to, or what kind of emotional state Edward
would be in when I saw him - that was if he would even let me inside his room in
the first place.

As I made my way up the stairs, I found myself wondering if Edward and I would
ever get a break; a chance to focus on just being around each other and relax,
without any chaos and turmoil. Not that I would ever regret a thing when it came
to me and Edward spending time together, no matter the reason, but seriously, just
how much would the poor guy have to endure?
And so far, I didnt even know half of it.
I raised my fist to knock on the door, only to be met by complete silence, and I
worried my bottom lip between my teeth. Hesitating a little, I then knocked again.
Edward? I called out, softly. No response. I was starting to become really
nervous. Taking a deep breath, I spoke up again, a little louder this time, Edward?
Unless you tell me not to, Im coming in. Then I waited. And waited.
Silently counting to thirty, I then decided I had waited long enough, and slowly
reached for the doorknob. For a brief moment, I feared it wouldnt turn; that the
door would be locked, but to my great relief, the knob moved easily. I carefully
pushed the door open, and peeked inside. Then I froze dead in my tracks.
My heart nearly stopped as I took in the destruction in the room. Torn books and
broken CD cases were scattered all over the floor, and the bedside table had been
knocked over. The door leading to what I assumed was a closet was wide open,
and I could see the shattered remains of what had once been a mirror attached to
the inside of the door. The rest of it was in sharp, broken pieces on the floor below.
Edward was sitting on the floor in the far corner of the room, his eyes closed and
his head resting back against the wall. He didnt even look up as I hesitantly took a
step closer - although I knew he had to be aware of my presence - and I swallowed
hard when I noticed he was surrounded by more pieces of broken glass and
various debris.
I was unable to hold back a gasp when I spotted a small puddle of blood on the
floor, and my eyes immediately went to his hands. Then I had to press my fist
against my mouth to keep from gagging. I barely felt my feet touching the floor as
I carefully moved across the room, only to stop a few feet away from him,
suddenly afraid of getting any closer.
That was when he finally opened his eyes, watching me in silence for what felt
like an eternity. If it was possible, he looked even more exhausted than he had the
other day, when he had taken my hand and I had promised not to let go. It was the
day when Carlisle had entered the room and found us with our hands clasped
tightly together.

I had been slightly embarrassed at the time, but now I was grateful. Because I was
fully convinced that if he hadnt seen us like that, there was no way Carlisle would
have allowed me to go see Edward now.
I opened my mouth, then closed it again, at a total loss for what to do. Naturally, I
just wanted to wrap my arms around him and ask him what happened, but
somehow, it didnt seem like the smartest move right now. So far, he hadnt told
me to get out, and I suddenly feared that if I would say anything, it would cause
him to snap out of it and throw me out of the room.
He just kept looking at me, as if he was waiting for me to do something, although I
had no idea what. For a moment, we just stared at each other. But then, as my eyes
once again landed on the broken mirror, I was forced back into reality and dropped
to my knees. You have to stop hurting your hands like this, I murmured, and
found myself wondering if he ever gave them a chance to fully heal.
To tell the truth, I couldnt remember ever seeing his hands not bloody or swollen.
He blinked in confusion, like my words had just broken some kind of spell. Then
his eyes darkened, and he quickly hid his hands behind his back, mumbling
something I couldnt make out. I hesitated a little before I spoke up, quietly,
Carlisle said I have to leave if you dont want me here. Holding my breath, I
waited for some response.
Almost a minute passed, and I had all but given up hope when he finally opened
his mouth and whispered, What I want is not relevant.
Tears started welling up in my eyes at his statement. Why would you say that?
He just shook his head. I swallowed. Do you want me to leave? No response. I
scooted a little closer to him, praying he wouldnt pull away from me, and slowly
reached out towards him. He stared at my outstretched hand, but did no attempt of
taking it.
You should go, he muttered.
Although his words stung, I tried not to let it show. Because the way he kept
looking at my hand with an almost wistful expression on his face told me that he
didnt really mean it. So I shook my head. I didnt ask whether or not I should be
leaving. I asked you if you wanted me to.
He remained silent.
Edward... I couldnt keep the pleading note out of my voice. Please, you have

to tell me. Do you want me to go? Edwards silence bothered me more than I
wanted to admit, and I was starting to feel desperation well up inside me, but until
he said the words out loud, I would not be moving an inch.
Finally, after what seemed like hours, he tentatively shook his head. The relief I
felt in that moment made me want to both laugh and cry at the same time,
although I managed to stay calm. Thank you, I whispered, not overly surprised
when he didnt answer. I glanced at him, wondering if I was pushing my luck. Do
you wanna talk about what happened? He shook his head again.
A part of me was disappointed, but at the same time, I was beyond grateful for
being able to stay; that he wasnt pushing me away or lashing out at me like I had
partly been expecting. Then again, I supposed he had already taken his anger and
frustration out on the room. So I nodded in acceptance, willing to play by his rules
for now if it would put him at ease. Okay.
The fact that Carlisle and Esme had been reluctant to let me come up here made
me suspect that something like this had happened before, maybe even on a regular
basis, and I felt a lump in my throat. I could understand why they felt it necessary
to give Edward some space, but at the same time, the idea of him being all alone
up here, trashing his own room in a fit of rage - or whatever going through his
head at the moment - made my heart hurt for him.
I desperately tried to come up with something - anything - to talk about, to distract
him from whatever it was causing him this much pain. Because it was obvious that
he wouldnt talk to me. And for some reason, seeing how he still kept his hands
hidden, he wasnt willing to accept the comfort he usually seemed to get from the
physical contact between us.
That was when I decided to just be honest, and let him know what was on my
mind.
You know... I started, hesitantly. Glancing at Edward, I realized he was no
longer staring longingly at my hand. In fact, he wasnt even facing my direction. I
went on before I would lose my courage, I know somethings going on. Carlisle
seemed pretty upset, and he said something about you receiving some
overwhelming news. He didnt tell me what it was, though, and I didnt ask,
because it wouldnt be fair to you.
Edward seemed to freeze at my words, although he remained silent. I continued,
You dont owe me any explanation. If you dont wanna talk about it, thats fine.
Im not gonna push you. But it helps, sometimes, having someone to talk to,
someone who will listen. It might make it easier. What Im trying to say is, Im

here for you, Edward. Whatever you need from me. I would never judge you, or
think any less of you. Just let me...
Help you. Take care of you. Love you.
...be there for you, I finished, slowly reaching out to put my hand on his arm,
fully prepared to pull back should he show even the slightest sign of discomfort or
uneasiness. But he didnt, and I let out the breath I had been holding.
However, he still didnt say anything, and I wondered what it would take for me to
get through to him this time. Can I see your hands? I asked, quietly. He visibly
tensed up, but didnt object as I gently tugged at his arm. I winced at the sight of
the blood still trickling between his fingers, and felt a wave of dizziness come over
me.
Dont pass out! Dont pass out!
Somehow, I managed to snap out of it. There seemed to be a pretty deep cut at the
back of his hand, just below his knuckles, and I wondered if he might need some
stitches. Just wait here. Ill be right back, I mumbled before scrambling to my
feet.
Dont, Edward spoke up, quietly, and I spun around. He wasnt looking at me.
Dont, he repeated, hoarsely.
I bit my lip, not sure what to do. My first thought had been to try and coax Edward
out of the room and into the bathroom where he could get himself cleaned up, but
I had a feeling he would simply refuse to go anywhere. So I decided to go find a
first aid kit, or something. But, clearly, Edward had other ideas. Sighing, I sat back
down next to him. Hopefully, he wouldnt bleed to death any time soon.
We sat in silence for a couple of minutes. I threw a brief look at Edward every
now and then, but he didnt speak again, nor did he meet my eyes. After a
moments hesitation, I slowly raised my arm and placed my hand gently on his
back, swallowing hard when I felt him trembling slightly beneath me.
For some reason, his apathetic behavior now bothered me even more than the open
hostility he had shown back when we first met. This, I had no idea how to deal
with. Whatever Carlisle had told Edward before he came up here, I realized that
overwhelming was an understatement. Because he didnt just seem overwhelmed
to me.
He looked lost. Defeated. Broken. And seeing him this way was killing me.

At a loss for what else to do, I started rubbing soft circles on his back, seeing how
my touch hadnt seemed to bother him so far, and I hoped it would bring both of
us some comfort. I heard how Edward let out a shaky breath, and when I glanced
at him, I noticed his eyes were closed. So I kept rubbing his back, although I really
wanted to just pull him into my arms and never let go.
The minutes passed, or maybe it was hours. I couldnt tell, and I didnt care.
Bella?
Edwards soft voice caused my hand to freeze on his back, although I quickly
recovered. When I turned my head to look at him, I saw that his bottom lip was
trembling. Yes, Edward? I breathed, my free hand finding his.
Ive changed my mind, he whispered. I just stared at him in confusion, as
numerous thoughts started running through my head. What was he saying? That he
wanted me to leave after all? Although I was afraid of asking, I opened my mouth,
but his next words caused my heart to swell with hope and tears to well up in my
eyes.
He took a deep breath, and raised his eyes to finally meet mine. Do you still
wanna listen?

Chapter 28
EPOV
For a moment, I almost wished I could take my words back, and I would be lying
if I said a part of me wasnt hoping Bella would say no. She didnt, though.
Instead she just looked at me with big eyes and a hopeful expression on her face,
before nodding, eagerly. Of course I wanna listen.
In all honesty, Bella had been the farthest thing on my mind since I stormed out of
Carlisles office, and I started to feel like a dick for inviting her over in the first
place, and then pretty much abandoning her in the kitchen with Esme. In fact, I
didnt understand why she was still here at all, why she hadnt just left already.
I had meant it when I told Bella she should go, because she deserved so much
better than this. But she had stubbornly turned my words against me, asked me if

thats what I really wanted, like my opinion actually mattered to her. And I found
myself unable to lie and say yes, because, God help me, I wanted her to stay.
After Carlisle had told me about James, my mind had been a complete blur, a
mixture of rage, fear, desperation and helplessness, and it had all just become too
much, too many emotions consuming me at once, and as a result, I had taken it out
on my room. It wasnt the first time, and would most likely not be the last.
As always afterwards, the anger faded, and I was left with nothing but numbness.
Then came the guilt. Over the years, I had destroyed more things around the house
than I could remember, and Carlisle and Esme never once gave me a hard time
about it. Sure, they made it clear from the beginning that if I made a mess, I was to
clean it up, and when I broke something that didnt belong to me, I had to replace
it.
But they never punished me.
They always left me alone when I was throwing one of my childish tantrums,
giving me some space, as they used to call it. And when I was done, one of them
usually came to see me, without doubt to check on the destruction I had made, but
also to ask if I wanted to talk about it. And I always refused.
I had a hard enough time expressing my thoughts and emotions in my head; trying
to put my mixed up feelings into words would be next to impossible. But that was
not the only reason I found it so hard to talk to them about my fucking problems.
Deep down, I knew Carlisle meant it when he said he and Esme always had my
best interests in mind. They would never deliberately hurt me, and they just
wanted to protect me. In a way, I understood why they had chosen not to tell me
about James being released from jail, because if they had, I would have freaked
out ten times worse. They knew it, and so did I.
Carlisle was probably right when he said I was better off not knowing. It just came
as a total shock to me.
They wanted to be able to help me so badly, but they couldnt, because I wouldnt
let them. It wasnt just a matter of trust. I couldnt talk to them about how fucked
up I really was, because I couldnt stand to see the disappointment in their eyes.
They had been working so hard to make me feel safe around them, to feel like a
part of their family. And I just couldnt accept it.
I would always be a failure to them, whether they would admit it or not.

Maybe thats why Bella was so different. She had no high expectations, no legal or
moral obligation to care about me. Unlike Carlisle and Esme, Bella could decide
shed had enough and leave me whenever she wanted. But so far, she hadnt. Even
now, she was still here, still trying to reach out to me. Making me feel safe.
And thats why I decided it was time to tell her a bit about my past. I couldnt fool
myself into thinking it would all miraculously go away, and if she was to stick
around, she had the right to know what she was getting herself into. She deserved
a chance to walk away from this - and me - before she got too involved.
Of course, I prayed against hope that she would stay.
So, I took a deep breath, and asked her if she still wanted to listen. And she said
yes without hesitation, just like I had known she would. Hence my dilemma where to fucking start?
Obviously sensing my distress, Bella took pity on me and gave my hand a soft
squeeze. Its okay. Just take your time. I grimaced, knowing that I could keep
stalling for hours, and still not be ready for this. As if she could read my mind, she
hurried on, You know, I meant it when I said you dont owe me any explanation.
You dont have to do this now.
I know. I want to. I just... I closed my eyes for a moment. Just give me a
second.
Bella gave me a sad smile. Edward, you can have as much time as you need. But
it wont really change anything. I mean, Im pretty sure it wont be any easier just
because you wait an hour or two. She was right, of course.
Right. I kept my eyes on our intertwined hands. Look, I wanna explain to you
what happened before. When... I hesitated, silently cursing myself for having
such a hard time getting the words out. And I hadnt even started yet.
When I failed to go on, Bella bit her lip and glanced at me. Would it be easier for
you if I asked some questions? Then you can just answer yes or no. I thought
about it for a moment, then nodded in agreement. She looked relieved. Okay.
Um, the news Carlisle was talking about? Does it have to do with your past?
I nodded again, forcing my mouth to actually form the word and speak out loud,
Yes.
All right. Bella seemed to think quickly. Does it involve your... she lowered
her eyes, birth family?

Yes, I mumbled, leaning my head back against the wall with a sigh.
She was quiet for a moment. Is it bad news? Like someone-getting-hurt bad?
I let out a humorless chuckle. No, and yes.
Bella frowned. Someone got hurt, and its good news?
Look, Bella... I sat up straight, running my free hand through my hair in
frustration. The whole yes-or-no thing had seemed like a good idea at first, but it
was starting to remind me of a fucking therapy session, with the shrink asking me
a question, and when I wouldnt - or couldnt - respond, she would move on to
asking me something else. And the fucking questions would never stop, until I
couldnt take it anymore and simply told her to fuck off.
I really didnt want to do that to Bella. The therapists got paid for listening to me not that I would actually say much - because it was their fucking job. Bella was
here because she wanted to, no matter how bizarre it may seem to me. This is not
working, I muttered, more to myself than to her.
Edward, Im sorry. I thought... Bella sounded remorseful. I really dont know
how to do this. Lets just do it your way. Ill be quiet until you tell me otherwise.
If possible, it made me feel even more like a prick; how she seemed so eager to
please me, to make it easier for me. It shouldnt be so fucking hard. I let out a
shaky breath. Before Carlisle and Esme adopted me, I used to live in Chicago
with my mother. I paused, feeling my throat tighten. And her husband.
True to her words, Bella stayed quiet, waiting for me to go on. He... I stopped,
swallowing. James. His names James. He was shot a couple of days ago - thats
the news Carlisle was talking about. Hes in a coma. I looked away, not wanting
to see the look on Bellas face as I continued in a low voice, And I hope he
fucking stays that way.
Bella opened her mouth, then seemed to remember herself as she managed to keep
from saying what was on her mind. She remained silent, although something in
her expression had changed. I couldnt quite put my finger on what it was, and
honestly, I wasnt sure I actually wanted to know what she was thinking in that
moment.
I tried to force myself to go on, knowing she had to be expecting an explanation to
my statement, but the words got stuck in my throat and wouldnt come out. Instead

I squeezed my eyes shut and reached out blindly for Bella, but she was already
there, one hand cupping my cheek and the other one clasping mine.
I cant do this, I croaked, praying that she would understand. Bella, please,
dont make me...
Shh... Bella cut me off, carefully placing her fingers over my trembling lips.
Edward, you dont have to say anything. She squeezed my hand. Besides, I
think I already know. My eyes snapped open and I stared at her in alarm. As our
eyes met, I noticed that she didnt look appalled, merely sympathetic. He was
hitting you, wasnt he? she whispered as she once again put her palm against my
cheek.
I just nodded, knowing my voice would crack if I tried to speak. And the last thing
I wanted was for her to witness me breaking down and bawl like a fucking baby. I
desperately needed to keep what little dignity I had left.
Im so sorry, she mumbled, tenderly stroking my face. Edward, I wish you
didnt have to go through-
Dont feel sorry for me, I choked out, interrupting her, because the idea of Bella
pitying me was just too humiliating. I shot her a hard look, daring her to object.
Its not like I didnt deserve it.
She looked at me with wide eyes. What are you talking about?
I hadnt meant to blurt it out, but the words were out of my mouth before I even
realized I had spoken. He would just punish me when I did something bad, I
managed to get out between gritted teeth, wishing Bella would just let it go.
Of course, she wouldnt. Not that I had really expected her to. When I finally
glanced at her, I noticed she had tears in her eyes. She spoke up, quietly,
Whenever I did something bad when I was a kid, my mom used to send me up to
my room, or she wouldnt give me my allowance. I didnt like it, but I knew it was
a fair punishment. Physical abuse isnt. Its never okay.
Thats not... I started to protest, having been about to insist that it wasnt abuse
when you deserved it.
But Bella wasnt finished. Dont you see? Edward, you were just a kid. You cant
possibly tell me you deserved something like that! She was unable to hold back a
sniffle. I pressed my lips tightly together and stubbornly looked away, refusing to
let her words affect me. Because she was wrong. She had to be.

James face turned smug. I want to hear you say it. Why am I doing this?
I inhaled, shakily. Because Ive been bad.
Thats right. He looked pleased, a cruel smile playing on his lips. You have
been bad, so I have no choice but to punish you. I have to make sure you know
your place. Do you understand?
I nodded, then remembered what happened the last time I didnt give him the
answer he wanted. Yes.
Very good. James sounded almost friendly. In the next moment, the smile was
gone and his face cold as ice. Now, get up and move over to the bed.
James' voice echoed in my head, like so many times before, and I didnt realize I
had started shaking until I felt two small, yet strong hands on my shoulders,
holding me down. I jerked back, startled, only to find myself trapped against the
wall, and failed to stifle an anguished moan.
Edward, its me! Calm down, no ones gonna hurt you. I blinked as I
immediately recognized Bellas voice, frantic with worry.
Go away, I slurred, shame and humiliation welling up inside me. But when she
obediently pulled away from me, I panicked. No, wait, dont go, I didnt mean it!
Bella, please, Im sorry...
Edward... She was right there, next to me, interrupting my frenzied ramblings.
Im not going anywhere. But youre scaring me right now. Whats wrong? I just
shook my head, stubbornly avoiding her eyes as I forced myself to take a couple of
deep, steady breaths, and waited for my heart to slow down and start beating like
normal.
For the next couple of minutes, Bella sat silently next to me on the floor. Finally
she spoke up, softly, Better? I nodded, still unable to look at her. She hesitated a
little before she went on, quietly, Do you wanna talk about it? I instinctively
opened my mouth to say no, but all of the sudden her hand was in my hair,
immediately causing me to relax a little, and I let out a shaky sigh.
Sometimes I get these... I paused, searching for the right word, ...flashbacks, or
whatever the fuck you wanna call it. But Im okay now. Sorry. I didnt mean to
scare you.

Her fingers kept playing softly with my hair, and I closed my eyes. You have
nothing to apologize for, she mumbled. A pause. But youre not really okay, are
you? I swallowed hard, unable to respond, and she must have taken my silence as
confirmation. Thankfully, she didnt press on. Edward, thanks for telling me this.
I know how hard it must be for you, and I cant tell you how much it means to me
that you trust me.
But doesnt it bother you? I glanced at her, a part of me afraid of her answer, but
at the same time, I had to know. Bella, I cant be a good friend to you. Im-
Bella cut me off before I could finish the sentence, If you say bad or fucked up
again, I think Im going to scream. I raised a brow, a little taken aback, because it
was the first time I had ever heard Bella use the word fuck. She continued,
firmly, Youre not any of those things, Edward. Youre a good person. Youre
sweet, and kind, and Im gonna keep repeating myself until you believe me.
I was about to object, but she went on, her voice suddenly thick, I am sorry about
what happened to you, because I care about you and I hate the thought of anyone
hurting you. No matter what he told you, it wasnt right. Anyone who would
willingly hurt a child is a horrible person, who should be in jail. A single tear
rolled down her cheek, and I watched it with fascination as I realized it was for
me.
Dont cry, I whispered, reaching out a trembling hand towards her face and
gently wiping the tear away with my thumb. Then her words registered, and I
lowered my eyes, muttering, And he was in jail. Until recently, anyway.
Oh. She blinked in surprise, but quickly recovered. Well, that proves that Im
right, doesnt it? That hes the one whos bad, not you. I mean, would he really
have been in jail, otherwise?
I frowned, having not thought about it that way before. Suddenly I felt like my
head was spinning. I had always just assumed that the police only arrested James
in the first place because of what happened that final night six years ago, although
I couldnt really remember much.
Its over now, son. Hes gone. He wont be able to hurt you again.
Those were the first words I remembered hearing after waking up in the hospital.
Of course, I had been heavily sedated at the time, with both my eyes swollen shut,
so I had been unable to see who the voice belonged to, but I found out later that it
had been Carlisle. I had been too out of it to question him, and it took days before
it finally started to dawn on me that the pain was slowly fading, and James was

clearly not around to cause more.

Are you still with me? What are you thinking about? Bellas soft voice snapped
me out of my memories, and I slowly turned my head to face her.
Nothing. I had definitely gotten something to think about, but I did my best to
push it to the back of my mind, at least for now. Because I was too emotionally
drained right now to even consider the possibility that Bella might have a point. I
could tell that she was about to object, but I raised my hand to stop her, giving her
a pleading look. Could you please just distract me? Prattle about something
unimportant?
Um, okay... She went on after a brief moments hesitation, Alice is forcing me
to go shopping with her tomorrow.
I frowned. If you dont wanna go, why didnt you just say no?
Bella let out a snort. Yeah, right! And risk waking the beast? No, thanks I fear
the wrath of Crazy Shopping Alice even more than Crazy Makeover Alice.
I couldnt help but chuckle. Do me a favor and call her that to her face.
She blushed, giving me a somewhat sheepish smile. I like Alice, I really do. Its
just that, sometimes, she can get a bit... overly enthusiastic.
Tell me about it. I rolled my eyes. You shouldve heard her the other day when
she found out I was giving you a ride to school. She was squealing so fucking
loud, only dogs shouldve been able to hear her. Bella giggled, and it hit me how
much I enjoyed hearing that sound.
That was when I realized that not only had Bella done exactly what I asked her,
but also, for the moment, she had succeeded.

Chapter 29
EPOV
I definitely didnt feel like going downstairs and facing Carlisle and Esme after
Bella had left - what I really wanted was to just to go to bed and sleep for a week but I decided Id rather get it over with tonight instead of wait until morning.

Looking around the room, I grimaced as I realized I had some work to do first.
Spending the next fifteen minutes carefully gathering all the broken glass and
debris from the floor - Bella had offered to help, but I flat out refused, not wanting
her to have to deal with the mess I had created - I dumped it all in the waste basket
under my desk before picking the whole thing up and heading for the stairs.
Esme and Carlisle were sitting on the couch in the living room watching TV. They
both looked up briefly when they heard me descending the stairs, Esme offering
me a small smile, but neither of them made any comments as I walked past them
without a word and went outside.
Once I had emptied the waste basket in the large garbage can out in the back yard,
I stayed out there for a couple of minutes, taking the time to smoke a cigarette all
the way down to the filter before I tossed the butt on the ground and crushed it
under my boot. Then I thought better of it, picked it up and dropped it in the can as
well before reluctantly heading back inside.
As I closed the front door behind me, I nearly jumped when Carlisle spoke up
quietly from his position on the couch. Are you all right, Edward? When I just
nodded, he went on, Esme and I were just talking about watching a movie. Would
you like to join us?
In all honesty, it was just about the last thing I wanted to do, but I decided not to
say it out loud. Instead I shook my head. Im kinda tired.
He nodded in understanding, although I didnt miss the hint of disappointment in
his eyes. Of course.
Relieved that he obviously wouldnt put up a fight, I turned to leave, but Esme
spoke up, Oh, Edward, theres some pie left in the fridge. You barely touched
your dessert before.
I was about to insist that I wasnt hungry, but something about her hopeful
expression made me decide against it, and I held back a sigh. All right. Thanks.
The truth was, I hadnt really eaten much at all at dinner, and the thought of
Esmes homemade pie now was enough to make my mouth salivate.
Five minutes later, I was in the kitchen shoving apple pie and vanilla ice-cream
into my mouth like I hadnt eaten in days. I wasnt overly surprised when the door
opened and Carlisle entered the room, giving me a somewhat apologetic look. Id
love some pie as well. Would you mind some company?

I fought the urge to roll my eyes at his obvious attempt of being subtle. Its your
house.
Carlisle gave me a patient look. Thats not what I meant. Edward, I was hoping
we could talk a little more. But I understand if you dont feel up to it at the
moment, and I wanted to let you know that I respect your need for privacy. So Im
asking again - would you mind some company?
Still feeling slightly guilty about my earlier behavior, I didnt have the heart to say
yes, but I couldnt bring myself to act too encouraging, either. So I just shrugged.
No, its fine, I guess.
Thank you. Carlisle walked over to the kitchen cabinet, grabbed a small dessert
plate from the top shelf, and helped himself to a large slice of pie. Then he sat
down next to me and started eating, quietly. After a brief moments hesitation, I
slid the half empty ice-cream container towards him without a word.
For a couple of minutes, we ate in silence. Then, suddenly, Carlisle put his spoon
down and turned to me. Listen, I want to apologize for how I handled things
before. I didnt realize... He hesitated. When I spoke to Esme on the phone, she
told me Bella would be here tonight, but Im afraid I misunderstood the situation. I
though she was here to spend time with Alice, like last weekend.
When I didnt respond, he went on, I dont know why I made that assumption,
especially after seeing the two of you together the other day. The only excuse I
have is that my mind has been a bit occupied since I received that other phone call
this afternoon.
Having suddenly lost my appetite, I pushed my plate away. A part of me wanted to
just get up and leave, but for some reason, I remained where I was.
Carlisle sighed. I admit, I acted selfishly. When I found out James had been shot,
all I could think about was to go home and let you know right away. I was hoping
that - with him out of the picture - it would finally bring you some kind of closure,
or at the very least, some peace of mind.
I looked away in shame, once again reminded of how badly both he and Esme
wanted me to be able to move on. They were both trying so hard, and they just
wanted me to be okay, but I wasnt, and deep down, I doubted I would ever be.
Sorry it didnt work, I mumbled.
He was quiet for a moment. It was also wrong of me to push you about going
back into therapy. But Edward, I meant it when I said you have to find a way to

face your inner demons. Or can you look me in the eyes and tell me that you feel
fully content with your life? That you are happy?
All of the sudden I felt a huge lump in my throat, and I swallowed hard. No, I
admitted in a small voice, hating the way my eyes were suddenly stinging.
Carlisle nodded slowly, and then, much to my surprise, he changed the subject.
Bella is a remarkable girl. I eyed him somewhat warily, but didnt say anything.
He continued, I have a confession to make. The other day, I talked to Bella for a
little while when she was about to leave. I felt compelled to ask about her
intentions.
What? My eyes widened in disbelief and I stared at him. Are you fucking
serious?! What exactly did you tell her?
Nothing. He met my eyes, calmly. I realize I may have been out of line, and for
what its worth, Im sorry. But I just wanted to make sure we were on the same
page, so to speak. And I have to tell you, she impressed me. This girl really cares
about you, Edward. In fact, I think she would willingly walk through fire for you if
she had to.
Having no idea what to say to that, I awkwardly lowered my eyes. However, while
a part of me was embarrassed, his words made me feel strangely warm inside.
Hearing Carlisle speak so fondly of Bella made me think I had made the right
choice when I decided to trust her enough to tell her parts of my story.
I would like to say that I trusted Bella completely, but I couldnt. Not yet, anyway.
It had nothing to do with her, it was all me. I suppose the fact that I had spent my
entire life so far not trusting other people - or not allowing myself to trust anyone might have something to do with it. It just wasnt worth the risk of getting hurt.
That night, I had another nightmare. It didnt start as one, though. But as it played
out, it turned out to be the worst Id had in years.
I was in that dream-like state when you cant decide whether youre still sleeping
or if youre awake. Suddenly I felt the bed shift, and blinked in surprise when I
turned my head and saw Bella, sitting indian style at the bottom of my bed.
Bella? I sat up immediately and threw the thick duvet to the side, relieved to
find that I had my pajamas on. Its the middle of the night. What are you doing
here?
She blushed and tossed her long hair over her shoulder, giving me a shy smile.

Waiting for you to notice me, of course. I thought we could have a sleep-over.
Hey, look, she held up a brown paper bag, her smile widening, I brought us
some lunch!
Um... This had to be a dream. I scratched my head. Okay. Sure. She got a
pleased expression on her face. That was when I first realized what she was
wearing, and frowned. Thats a... nice bathrobe, I mumbled then, not wanting to
insult her.
Bella ran her hand over the soft, purple fabric, suddenly looking a little uncertain.
Do you really like it? Alice made me wear it. She said the color looks great on
me.
Well, yeah... I started, not knowing what else to say. Bella-
She cut me off, You know, Im not wearing anything under. I can take it off if you
want.
I-Im sorry, w-what? I stuttered, giving her a doubtful look.
Bella pouted. Edward, dont you like me? All I could do was nod. So, dont you
wanna see me? I opened my mouth, only to close it again as she scooted closer
to me and placed her soft, warm hand on my cheek, looking me deeply in the eyes.
I will never hurt you, Edward.
My skin was tingling slightly from her touch, and I closed my eyes. I know, I
whispered. But Bella, Im scared.
Dont be, she murmured soothingly, her hand moving to play tenderly with my
hair. Youre safe with me. Ill protect you. I remained silent, enjoying the
pleasant feeling of her fingers in my hair. Suddenly she pulled away from me. But
can you protect me? she asked, a sad note in her voice.
What do you mean? I opened my eyes, but Bella was gone. All of the sudden,
my room was freezing cold, and I shuddered. Bella? Unable to keep the panic
from welling up inside me, I jumped up from the bed, my eyes desperately
searching the room for any sign of her.
I stopped in confusion, wrapping my arms tightly around my shivering body. That
was when I noticed that my room was suddenly different. In fact, it was no longer
my bedroom at all, at least not the one I had been sleeping in for the last six years.
No, I muttered to myself, shaking my head in denial as I tried to figure out what

was happening. This is not right. I dont live here anymore.

Thats where youre wrong, James cold voice stated from behind me, and I
froze dead in my tracks. You never left. And you never will. Do you know why?
He went on, not giving me a chance to respond, Because this is where you
belong; in the dark... I slowly turned around.
The room was pitch-black, but I could still see his eyes, glowing like fire. Then he
grinned, reminding me of some vicious predator, and his teeth seemed to be
glowing as well. On the floor... James continued calmly, and I gasped as I
realized I was sitting on the cold, wooden floor in the corner of the room, my
knees pulled up to my chin and my body shaking in fear.
Alone, he finished, taking a step to the side and revealing Bella, standing in the
middle of the room with a look of pure terror on her pale face. I called out her
name without even thinking, but no sound came out. James looked me right in the
eyes as he slid his arm around Bellas slender waist, causing her to let out a
fearful moan.
Edward... Bella reached out a trembling hand towards me, but I was too far
away to be able to take it. Help me, she whispered, pleadingly. Dont let him
hurt me.
I tried to get up, desperate to get to her, only to find that I couldnt move an inch.
James mouth twisted into a cruel smile. Dont you dare touch her, you sick
bastard! I cried out in fury, struggling against whatever invisible bonds were
keeping me trapped.
He just laughed, his eyes still locked on mine as he traced his large index finger
slowly down Bellas collarbone. Tears were now streaming down her face.
Edward, please... she whimpered.
I cant! I sobbed, growling in frustration as I did everything in my power to
break free. James' laughter only grew louder, and he pulled Bella up against his
body, tightening his grip around her. Ill fucking kill you! I yelled at the top of
my lungs. Punish me all you want, but leave her the fuck alone!
Oh, Ill punish you. James was suddenly next to me on the floor, his face mere
inches away from mine. By letting you watch. He pushed Bella away without
warning, causing her to trip over her feet and fall headlong to the floor. And then
he started towards her...
That was when I woke up, a silent scream stuck in my throat.

*~*~*
BPOV
The buzzing sound of my cellphone woke me up, although it took a moment
before I realized where the annoying noise was coming from. Sitting straight up in
my bed, I blinked a couple of times to clear my head before I managed to locate
the object in question on my nightstand.
Casting a brief look at my alarm clock, I frowned when the numbers on the display
told me it was almost three oclock in the morning.
The ringing just continued until I was finally able to pick up the phone and bring it
to my ear, too tired to bother to check the caller ID. Good thing Charlie was a
heavy sleeper, or he wouldve barged into my room, demanding to know what was
going on. Hello? I yawned into the phone.
Bella? Are you okay?
I immediately recognized Edwards voice, although it was thicker than usual, as if
he had been crying, and all of the sudden, I was wide awake. Edward? My heart
started beating faster. What do you mean, am I okay? Why wouldnt I be? I was
sleeping, its the middle of the night.
There was a moment of silence on the other end, and then he spoke again, quietly,
Im sorry, I didnt mean to bother you. Ill just-
Wait a minute! I suddenly feared he would hang up on me. Edward, whats
wrong? Areyou okay?
Yeah, sure, he responded quickly - too quickly - and I could hear him let out a
miserable sigh. Sorry, he muttered again. I shouldnt have called. Just go back
to sleep.
Like I could possibly do that now. I rolled my eyes. No, Edward, I dont wanna
go back to sleep. And you never have to apologize for calling me. Just talk to me,
please.
Its fucking stupid... I heard his sharp intake of air, and waited patiently for him

to go on. Bad dream, he then finally admitted. He was... Someone was hurting
you. I couldnt... Edward swallowed. I just wanted to hear your voice, he
mumbled, and I felt my heart breaking at his confession.
Ill come over if you want, I told him sincerely, already working on a plan how
to sneak out of the house. I can be at your house in ten minutes.
What? He sounded incredulous. Are you crazy? You cant come here now!
Oh. I felt like I had just been punched in the stomach. Im sorry, I whispered.
I just thought... My voice trailed off, and I fought back the tears of rejection.
Bella... Edward sighed. Its not that I dont want you to come, all right? But
you cant risk getting in trouble because of me. And I sure as hell wont let you run
half across town by yourself in the middle of the night.
Despite his words, I could hear the wistful note in his voice, and I instantly felt
bad for thinking the worst. Come here, then, I all but pleaded. Ill meet you
outside. Charlie wont find out.
He was quiet for a moment. When he spoke up, he sounded regretful. You have
no idea how much I want to.
Then come. Please. I was practically begging now, and I didnt care. It just
wasnt enough to talk to Edward on the phone; I needed to see him in person. My
entire body ached to touch him, to comfort him, because no matter how much he
would try to convince me otherwise, I knew deep down that he was far from okay.
He was hurting, and I just wanted to make his pain go away.
Could you just... he hesitated, talk to me for a while? Dont think I can go back
to sleep tonight.
Of course. I nodded, even though I knew he wouldnt be able to see it.
Squeezing my eyes shut, I tried to prevent the tears from spilling down my cheeks.
I can do that. What do you want me to talk about?
Doesnt matter. He sounded tired. Anything.
So I started talking, about everything and nothing. I told him about the latest book
Id read, which movies I would like to see, and what kind of food I used to like the
most when I was a kid. I rambled on about my favorite TV show - Friends - and
went on telling him the embarrassing story about how I used to have a huge crush
on the boy next door when I was eight, and accidentally tripped in front of him

and ended up falling head first into a large mud puddle.

At first, Edward would interrupt every now and then to ask me something, but he
soon fell quiet and just listened as I went on and on, and for a moment, I worried
that I might be boring him with my babbling. But he never once complained, and I
found myself relaxing again as I started ticking off my favorite songs. I even think
I was humming at some point.
The next time I checked the alarm clock, it showed 4:56, and I did a double take,
shocked to realize Edward and I had been talking for almost two hours. Or, at least
I had been talking. It hit me that he had been silent for quite some time now.
Edward? I asked into the phone. No response. I tried again. Edward, are you
awake?
Nothing. But as I listened closely, I was pretty certain I could hear the faint sound
of snoring from the other end of the line. When almost a minute had passed, I
whispered a soft goodnight, and slid back down in bed, closing my eyes and
resting my head against the soft pillows.
I kept the phone tightly in my hand for the rest of the night.

Chapter 30
BPOV
As the days passed, it slowly became clear to me that something had changed
between me and Edward, although I couldnt quite put my finger on it at first. But
it was like - ever since that time when he had called me in the middle of the night
and I had literally talked him back to sleep - he had started to look at me
differently.
I kept telling myself that it was probably just wishful thinking from my side,
because while my romantic feelings for Edward only seemed to grow stronger by
the day, I wasnt naive enough to think he would feel the same way. So far, he had
shown no sign of wanting to take our so called relationship to the next level, and I
was too much of a coward to ask him straight out, afraid of what his answer would
be.
But the fact remained; somewhere along the way, his behavior around me had
started to change. I couldnt deny that he seemed more and more comfortable

touching me, and he rarely even blinked anymore - let alone flinched away whenever I would initiate some kind of physical contact. Of course, said contact
remained pretty innocent, like me taking his hand, or I would caress his face and
stroke his hair, but that was pretty much it.
Sometimes I would catch myself staring at Edwards perfectly full lips, wondering
what it would be like to kiss him. And I often daydreamed about being safely
wrapped up in his arms, to bury my face in his chest and inhale his delicious,
mouthwatering scent. But I kept my fantasies to myself, not wanting to make him
feel uncomfortable. Not to mention the fact that I was terrified of rejection.
But then there were times when I could swear he was looking at me with
something close to desire in his eyes, like he secretly wanted the same thing I did,
only he had no idea how to express his feelings. If that was the case, I suppose I
couldnt really blame him.
Edward and I kept spending our lunch breaks at our picnic table - even in
pouring rain, when we would sit together under an umbrella - only we had started
taking turns on who would bring the lunch bag for the day. For some reason, it was
never a question of each of us bringing our own; we would always make enough
for the other to share, both of us perfectly satisfied with the arrangement.
The first time Alice approached us out there, things were pretty awkward. She
insisted she was only coming over briefly to say hi, and I forced myself to be
polite and make with the small talk for a couple of minutes, but deep down, I just
wanted her to leave me and Edward alone. Because no matter how much I liked
Alice, I couldnt help but feel like she was imposing on a private moment.
Although he didnt say anything, it was painfully obvious that Edward shared my
discomfort, seeing how he immediately closed up like a clam and started picking
at his food, the sulky expression not leaving his face until she had left. But the
next day, Alice showed up again, this time with Jasper in tow.
They didnt stay long, merely for a few minutes, and somehow, Edward seemed a
little less hostile than the day before. Not like he made any attempt of starting a
conversation, but at least he grunted in response to Alices enthusiastic greeting,
and, after a moments hesitation, offered Jasper a short nod of acknowledgment.
Of course, he then turned his attention to his food and made a show of ignoring
them until they were gone.
Alice refused to give up, though, as she kept coming over during our little lunch
dates - Alices words, not mine - and I had to give her some credit for never once
pushing Edward into joining our short conversations, but at the same time, she

would always make an effort to address and include both of us. Sometimes she
came by herself, other times accompanied by Jasper. And every day, Edward
seemed a little less annoyed by his sisters presence.
One day, Alice told me in confidence how she felt horrible knowing Edward had
always spent the lunch breaks alone and hungry over the years, and berated herself
for never doing anything about it except asking him each day to join her and her
friends in the cafeteria, only to just drop it when he refused. As tears of guilt
welled up in her eyes, I gave her a hug, realizing that slowly easing Edward into
socializing with her in school was Alices way of trying to make amends.
As another week passed, something happened that turned out to be of major
importance for the progress of our relationship. Seeing how much time Edward
and I had spent together lately, both in and outside of school, I suppose it was just
a matter of time before we would have our first argument.
I was standing by my locker one day, waiting for Edward as usual, when Eric
Yorkie walked up to me, looking somewhat nervous. It made me a little surprised,
because while Eric had been the first person to approach me and offer to show me
around at my first day here at Forks High, we hadnt really talked much since. He
was a nice guy, though, so I managed a smile as I gave him a questioning look.
He cleared his throat. Hey, Bella, I was just wondering... I looked at him
expectantly - and a little warily - and he went on, Um, dont take this the wrong
way, but I always see you hanging out with Edward Cullen. Are you two together
or something?
I frowned. Of all the things he couldve possibly asked me, that was just about the
last thing I had expected. No offense, but I dont see how that is any of your
business, I snapped. Erics eyes widened slightly, and he looked a little hurt. For a
moment, I felt a bit bad. After all, it wasnt like he had actually been rude or
anything, he had merely asked me a question.
It suddenly occurred to me that I had reacted in such a defensive manner because I
had no idea how to answer. I still didnt know how Edward truly felt about me,
and it was starting to become really frustrating. More than once, I had tried to
work up enough courage to let him know that I wanted more than just friendship,
but I was afraid of ruining what we had. And the mere thought of losing him was
unbearable.
Eric went on explaining, Well, I was just asking because I was hoping maybe we
could go out some time. When I just looked at him blankly, he let out a nervous
laugh. You know, like a... date? Dinner and a movie? I opened my mouth, but he

hurried on, Anyway, thats why I was wondering about you and Cullen. I wanted
to check first and see if you were... he swallowed, ...available.
Blushing fiercely, I closed my eyes for a moment. Eric, I...
Thats when we got interrupted, and both Eric and I jumped at the angry voice
coming from behind us, Shes not fucking available, asshole! Just stay the hell
away from her!
Eric blanched, turning around to face Edward with his hands raised in a defensive
manner. Look, man, I-I was just... He hesitated, clearly terrified, and I actually
felt sorry for him. Edward glared daggers at him, fists clenched at his sides, and as
Eric nervously took a step back, nearly stumbling over his own feet, I felt like I
had to step in before someone - most definitely Eric - would end up getting hurt.
For some reason, I couldnt bring myself to reprimand Edward in public, so I
turned to Eric with an apologetic look on my face. Um, thanks for asking, Eric,
but I dont think so. Im sorry.
Obviously not daring to take his eyes away from Edward, as if fearing he would
jump to the first opportunity to attack, Eric gulped, and nodded quickly in
acceptance. Yeah, sure, I understand. He started backing away, and as soon as he
seemed to think he had put enough of a distance between himself and Edward, he
spun around and all but ran in the other direction.
As soon as Eric was out of sight, I turned to Edward with my arms folded across
my chest, unable to hide my irritation. Okay, mind explaining yourself? What the
hell was that? You nearly made the poor guy wet his pants, for crying out loud!
Edward snorted, but had the decency to look a little ashamed. Look, Bella, I
just-
I cut him off, too annoyed to let him finish, Seriously, Edward, I think Im
perfectly capable of speaking for myself. Who are you to tell anyone whether or
not Im available? I mean, its not like you have ever asked me out on a date. You
have no right to go all caveman on me.
Of course, a little voice inside my head kept insisting that Edward had every right,
seeing how he was the only guy I wanted to date in the first place, but I was still
upset by his behavior, suddenly not liking how he seemed to take me for granted
without offering anything in return.
Edwards face fell, and he looked like someone had just punched him in the

stomach. Are you saying you actually want to go out with the fucker? he asked,
quietly.
No, thats not what Im saying at all! I cried out in exasperation. I have no
interest in ever dating Eric Yorkie, or anyone else, for that matter, except... I
managed to stop myself before the word you left my mouth. Forcing myself to
take a deep breath, I then went on in a somewhat calmer voice, Look, the point is,
I was about to turn him down myself. You didnt have to act like a total jerk.
He lowered his eyes. Im sorry.
Its okay. I sighed. I forgive you. My anger was already fading and I realized I
couldnt stay mad at him. In fact, if the roles had been reversed and I had
overheard some girl asking Edward out, I knew I wouldve wanted to claw her
eyes out.
Wait a minute. Did that mean Edward was actually... jealous? I knew I wouldve
been, but I had no idea what to expect from him. Again with the frustration. All
Im saying is, it wouldve been different if we were dating, then I would
understand your reaction, I blurted out, regretting the words as soon as I had
spoken.
Why couldnt I just have kept my mouth shut? People kept passing in the hallway,
no one paying any attention to us, and for once, I wouldve gladly welcomed any
kind of distraction. Where the hell was Alice when you needed her?
Edwards eyes immediately shot to mine, and he stared at me in disbelief. Wwould you like to... His voice cracked, and he swallowed, visibly. When he spoke
up again, his voice was barely more than a whisper. Do you want me to... ask you
out on a... he swallowed again, ...date?
Yes! Yes! More than anything!
Well, I... Suddenly I was both sweating and freezing at the same time, and I felt
panic starting to well up, threatening to consume me. This was it. I couldnt
exactly lie and say no. But once the cat was out of the bag, there was no turning
back. I could lose everything. Not if it makes you feel uncomfortable, I finally
mumbled and looked down at my feet, unable to meet his eyes.
But as the seconds passed, I realized I couldnt stand the silence, so I reluctantly
raised my head. Edwards face had turned into an almost unhealthy shade of pale,
and he looked like he had trouble breathing, or possibly being on the verge of
having some kind of panic attack. But... you actually want me to? he managed to

choke out.
Although my body ached to reach out and take his hand in an attempt of calming
him - which had always worked so far - I found myself unable to move. So instead
I just nodded. Im so sorry, I told him, sincerely. Edward, I dont wanna destroy
what we have, our friendship means so much to me. I promise, Ill try to... I dont
know... I shrugged helplessly, not really knowing what I was trying to say.
It wasnt like I could actually turn my feelings off.
Bella... He inhaled, shakily, and I glanced at him, praying that I wouldnt start
bawling, because that would probably scare him away for good. At least I hadnt
admitted straight out that I was in love with him. I-I dont date, he finally
mumbled, awkwardly raking his fingers through his hair.
Maybe I shouldve just dropped it, but my mind had other ideas. You once said
the same thing about hanging out. And now look at us. The fact that he hadnt
indicated that he found the mere idea of dating me to be completely repulsive
wasnt lost on me. He had simply told me that he didnt date, period.
Edward was quiet for so long, I nearly jumped when he finally spoke up, his voice
trembling slightly, Ive never... I mean, I wouldnt know what to... He hesitated.
Bella, you deserve so much more-
Dont even think about going there! I interrupted him, angrily. Edward, I will
not let you keep putting yourself down like this. Look, if youre a hundred percent
sure that the only thing youll ever want from me is friendship, then tell me now.
Ill accept it and let it go. Im not saying itll be easy, but Id still do it in a
heartbeat, because I dont wanna lose you.
His eyes widened, and he looked at me with a doubtful expression on his face.
Then he opened his mouth, but I wasnt finished. But if you think theres even the
slightest possibility that you some day might want something more, then please,
just give it a chance. I paused. Give us a chance.
Honestly, I had no idea where the words were coming from. All of the sudden, I
couldnt even find it in me to be embarrassed anymore. I just desperately wanted
to get through to him, to make him see that he had a choice here; that this was
about him, and not about what he thought was best for me.
I slowly reached out my hand, nearly crying in relief when he took it after only a
brief moment of hesitation. Bella, I want... Edward let out a defeated sigh. I
dont know how to do this, he confessed in a small voice. Fuck, I dont wanna

lose you, either. I just... He swallowed. I guess we can try if you want, he then
finally offered, quietly.
Really? I gasped, hope welling up inside me, and when he nodded, I felt like the
luckiest girl in the world.
We agreed to start really simple and just go out for some coffee at the local coffee
house downtown. And while a part of me secretly dreamed of me and Edward
spending an hour or two close together in the darkness at the movie theater, I knew
I had to be realistic and not jump ahead of myself. Because he was obviously not
ready for anything like that.
I felt like I was learning a little more about Edward every day. Not from the things
he was telling me, at least not mainly, because he was still very hesitant and
unwilling to speak of his past. Although he would give me a crumb and drop a hint
every now and then, it was clearly unintentional most of the times, and he didnt
seem to realize he had shared something personal until it was already too late to
take it back.
By now, I knew his stepfather used to beat him up on a daily basis, but when I
carefully asked about his mother, he had closed up immediately, and I had
reluctantly let the matter drop and changed the subject, knowing better than to
keep pushing. I had come to realize it was easier and less painful to just observe
Edward in certain situations, since his reactions and behavior often told me more
about him than anything he could express in words.
I had to stay strong in front of Edward, because if he suspected even for a moment
that I felt sorry for him; mistaking my tears of horror or sympathy for pity, he
would shut me out and run so far away from me - metaphorically speaking - that it
would take me hours just to reach him again. I had learned that the hard way.
Sometimes, he tried testing my limits, as if to see how far he could push me before
I would snap. It didnt happen very often, but there were times when he would lash
out at me for no particular reason. Luckily, I was always able to see right through
the angry facade he kept putting up. Even though his accusing words hurt, I knew
deep down that it was merely his fears and insecurities making an appearance.
Dealing with Edward would sometimes require the patience of an angel.
That night, I was forced to endure the humiliation of breaking the news to my dad
that his little girl was going out on her first date. Of course, it wasnt really my
first date, seeing how I had being going out with Jacob for almost a month back in
Phoenix, but Charlie didnt know about that. And I dreaded his reaction, not

because he was overly protective and might tell me I couldnt go, but because I
feared he would decide it was time for the two of us to have The Talk.
Honestly, I couldnt imagine anything more embarrassing than having to listen to
my father giving me a lecture about the importance of safe sex.
I waited until we were both seated at the dinner table, and then carefully cleared
my throat. Um, Dad? He looked up immediately, giving me a suspicious look,
and I gulped before I went on, quickly, I sort of have a date tomorrow, with
Edward Cullen.

Chapter 31
EPOV
If someone had told me a couple of months ago that the day would come when Id
actually be looking forward to going to school, I wouldve said they were fucking
crazy. But everything had changed since I started hanging out with Bella. All of
the sudden, I had a reason to get up in the morning.
As the days turned into weeks, with me and Bella just getting closer each day, I
slowly started to accept the fact that she just might be here to stay. After all, I had
told her parts of my past - having been more than a little vague about the details,
but still - and she hadnt run away screaming.
Not yet, anyway. I suppose deep down, a part of me would never stop waiting for
the other shoe to drop, not really daring to believe that it would last. That I would
actually be worthy of something good finally happening in my life. But so far,
much to my amazement, Bella seemed to be happy enough just being in my
company.
And somewhere along the way, she had become my rock to lean on. Her mere
presence was like a soothing balm to me, and her touch would instantly calm me
whenever I got worked up or agitated. It was a strange - although not unpleasant feeling, seeing how I had spent most of my life so far avoiding any contact with
other people.
Of course, in a way, it was also terrifying. Because once I had gotten used to
having Bella in my life, how would I possibly survive without her, should it ever
come to that? I felt sick to my stomach just thinking about it, and did my best to

push the disturbing thoughts to the back of my mind.

While there were times when I longed to let my guard down and tell Bella
everything about my past, I was also terrified of losing her, and I honestly didnt
know if I was strong enough to let her in completely, if I was brave enough to take
such a huge risk. It was all very confusing and frightening, and I didnt know how
to handle it.
Every once in a while, my anxiety and insecurities would get the best of me, and I
was convinced that Bella had to be better off without me. During those episodes, I
would sometimes make an effort to act like a total jerk, just so she would take the
fucking hint. And sometimes, I managed to be an ass without even trying.
Like one day when she had followed me home after school, and we were up in my
room, studying. Alice came barging into the room at some point, announcing that
she was bored and wondered if Bella and I wanted to watch a movie with her.
Upset with Alice for interrupting my time with Bella, I snapped at her and pretty
much told her to get the fuck out, which resulted in Bella chiding me for being so
rude.
Already being in a bad mood, Bellas well-founded criticism became the last
straw, and I practically exploded, angrily exclaiming that if she found my behavior
to be so offensive, she might as well just go and hang out with Alice and leave me
the hell alone. Of course, I regretted my words as soon as they had left my mouth,
but it was too late to take them back.
To make the whole thing worse, instead of yelling right back at me, like I
deserved, Bella just looked at me for a moment, a somewhat hurt expression on
her face, before quietly stating, Im not going anywhere.
I blinked, taken aback by her reply, and guilt started welling up inside me. Well,
maybe you should, I muttered.
Whatever. She rolled her eyes. Not gonna happen, though. But I still think you
should apologize to Alice. Later that night, I did.
As Bella and I spent more and more time together, I started to notice these little
things about her. Like the way she would crinkle her nose and toss her hair over
her shoulder - as it kept falling in her eyes when she leaned forward, or the way
her eyes sparkled when she smiled. I found everything about her fascinating. And I
never got tired of being around her. In fact, I couldnt get enough of her, both of
which scared me and piqued my curiosity at the same time.

A couple of days later, I was hurrying through the corridors in school to meet up
with Bella for lunch, as usual. When I finally spotted her, standing by her locker, I
frowned as I realized she wasnt alone. She was talking to a dark-haired guy I
recognized from my English class - Eric something - who was standing way too
close to her for my liking.
As I got closer, I managed to catch a part of their conversation, and what I heard
made me see red.
You know, like a... date? Dinner and a movie? Eric let out a nervous chuckle.
Anyway, thats why I was wondering about you and Cullen. I wanted to check
first and see if you were... available.
Was this a fucking joke? My eyes narrowed, and I clenched my fists in fury. The
fucker had a lot of nerve thinking my Bella would ever go out with him. Of
course, the fact that she wasnt really my Bella to begin with only added to my
irrational anger.
I walked up behind them, declaring in a loud voice, Shes not fucking available,
asshole! Just stay the hell away from her!
Both of them spun around, clearly startled by my sudden appearance, and I was
pleased to notice that Eric looked fucking terrified. Look, man, I-I was just... he
stuttered awkwardly as he quickly took a step back, and I glared at him, wanting
nothing more than to just slam my fist into his face.
However, I didnt think Carlisle would be able to bail me out again if I initiated
another fist fight, and while the thought of getting suspended hadnt really
bothered me before, I suddenly dreaded the idea of missing any opportunity to
spend time with Bella.
After Eric had run off, like the pathetic little coward he was, Bella turned her
angry eyes to me. When she told me in a hard voice that I didnt have the right to
go all caveman on her, I was certain that I had screwed things up for good. Are
you saying you actually want to go out with the fucker? I suddenly felt a huge
lump in my throat.
Why wouldnt she? Shes way too good for you. Of course shed want to be with
someone normal.
No, thats not what Im saying at all! Bella was practically yelling now, and I
winced, realizing I had really pissed her off. It had never been my intention; I had
simply acted on an impulse. The truth was, I couldnt stand the idea of Bella with

some other guy, no matter how innocent the interaction may be. And the thought
of her actually fucking dating one of them...
I lowered my eyes in shame and mumbled a weak apology, not knowing what else
to do. And then, just like that, her face softened. Its okay. I forgive you. I raised
my brow, giving her a doubtful look, but decided it was probably best to remain
silent, not wanting to make her mad again. Bella continued, All Im saying is, it
wouldve been different if we were dating, then I would understand your
reaction.
It took a moment for her words to sink in, for my mind to take in the fact that
Bella had just referred to us as... dating, like such a thing wasnt totally alien to
her. Like I was a normal person; someone she might even consider having a
fucking relationship with. All of the sudden, my mouth felt completely dry.
No, I had to be mistaken. Because Bella would never... oh fuck! Suddenly I felt
like my head was spinning. Do you want me to... ask you out on a... Hell, I
could barely bring myself to say it. ...date? I croaked, my heart beating so fast I
feared it might burst right out of my chest.
While a part of me refused to believe it was true, the guilty look on Bellas face
told me otherwise. Then she started stuttering out apologies, rambling about how
much our friendship meant to her, but to tell the truth, I wasnt really hearing
much of what she was saying, because my mind was racing.
I wanted to go out on a fucking date with Bella so badly, but at the same time, the
idea scared the hell out of me. Naturally, I had never been out on a date before, but
I had watched enough movies to know how it was supposed to work, not to
mention that Id been forced to listen to Alice going on about her countless dates
with Jasper, although I had tried to block it out from my memory.
If I agreed, what would Bella expect from me? I was pretty sure I could handle it if
she just wanted us to hold hands, but what if she wanted me to kiss her? That was
what people normally did on dates, right? And after the first kiss, it would most
likely lead to even more intimate stuff, like...
I-I dont date, I whispered, feeling how all color left my face. What the fuck was
I thinking? I couldnt do this. I was an idiot for even considering it in the first
place. Dating was for normal people. Normal people would eventually want to
have sex. And I couldnt even think about it without wanting to fucking vomit.
Carlisle had once tried to talk to me about it, as had most of the therapists I had
been seeing. They had all pretty much said the same thing; that with the right

person, sex could be a good thing, a pleasant experience. But I didnt believe
them. As far as I was concerned, sex was disgusting. It was all about control,
dominance and obedience. And pain. Never-ending, fucking pain.
Of course, I wasnt stupid enough to think Bella only wanted to go out with me so
we could have sex, nor that she would expect anything too intimate on a first date.
She had made it clear to me, again and again, that she wanted me to feel
comfortable with her, and that she wouldnt push me into something I wasnt
ready for. I had come to trust her enough to believe she meant it.
And thats why dating Bella wouldnt be fair to her. I could never be enough for
her. She was beautiful, perfect, flawless, and she deserved someone much better
than me. Someone attractive, for one thing. I had more scars on my body than I
could count, and the mere thought of taking my shirt off and reveal my damaged
skin to Bella made me feel sick. If she hadnt found me repulsive before...
Still, deep down, I couldnt help but think it was just so fucking unfair. I didnt
want to be like this. I wanted to be normal, to be able to do normal things. Bella
kept telling me I was a good person, and I was starting to realize she actually
believed it, that she wasnt just saying things like that to make me feel better. And
I wanted to believe her, to believe that I was worthy of her, or at least would be
some day.
I was ashamed to admit it, but the truth was, I was weak and selfish, and didnt
want her to end up going out with someone else. But in the end, it was something
Bella said that made me say to hell with it and decide to just go for it.
Look, if youre a hundred percent sure that the only thing youll ever want from
me is friendship, then tell me now. Ill accept it and let it go. Im not saying itll be
easy, but Id still do it in a heartbeat, because I dont wanna lose you. But if you
think theres even the slightest possibility that you some day might want
something more, then please, just give it a chance. Give us a chance, she all but
pleaded.
Then she held out her hand, the small gesture nearly bringing tears to my eyes, and
I got a sudden urge to put my arms around her and never let go. But instead I just
grabbed hold of her hand, squeezing softly and wondering yet again how she could
possibly know that it was just what I needed right now.
Bella, I want... Realizing I had no idea how to ask her out without sounding like
a complete idiot, I hesitated. I dont know how to do this, I admitted then,
unable to bring myself to look at her. Fuck, I dont wanna lose you, either. I
just... Why did it have to be so fucking hard to get the words out? I guess we can

try if you want, I finally managed to choke out.

As soon as I had spoken, I cringed at the lack of enthusiasm in my voice. Not to
mention my choice of words. I guess we can try if you want? Who the hell would
say something like that when they were supposed to ask a girl out? Great! Now
she probably thought I wasnt really interested; that I was just trying to humor her.
Why couldnt I ever do anything right?
But, much to my astonishment, Bella didnt seem put off - quite the opposite.
Really? she gasped, hope evident in her voice. I could only nod. A genuine smile
spread on her face, and I got a warm feeling inside, realizing that - despite my
stupidity - I was the reason she was smiling.
I would never get tired of seeing Bella smile.
So... She was practically beaming now. Where are we going? I mean, what do
you wanna do?
Good question. I had absolutely no fucking idea what was considered appropriate
for a first date. Should I take her out for dinner or something? And in that case,
would she expect me to pay for the whole thing, or would she find that insulting?
Was I supposed to pick her up at her house? Or just meet up with her at the
restaurant? What kind of restaurant? And what about fucking dress codes?
Panic started welling up inside me, and I forced myself to breathe slowly, in and
out. Um, I dont know. What-what would you like to do? I croaked.
Thankfully oblivious to my inner turmoil, Bella gave me a somewhat shy smile,
thinking for a moment. Why dont we just start with something simple? You
drink coffee, right? I nodded. Well, lets just go out for a cup of coffee, then. A
pause. And maybe some pie. They have really great pie at the coffee house
downtown. Any kind you can think of. Personally, I think their blueberry pie is to
die for.
She blushed, clearly embarrassed by her sudden eagerness. I just found it adorable.
And just like that, the panic was gone. I even managed a weak smile. Sure, that
sounds great.
*~*~*
BPOV

Charlie opened his mouth, but I hurried on before he got the chance to speak,
Now, Dad, before you say anything, I just wanna remind you that Im almost
eighteen, and perfectly capable of making my own decisions. He made a new
attempt of speaking up, but I cut him off again, Were just going out for coffee,
and I wont be home late. This is really important to me, and-
Bella. Charlie finally interrupted me, and I immediately fell silent. He let out a
sigh. Will you let me say something? I bit my lip and nodded. Edward Cullen,
huh? I nodded again, glancing nervously at him. However, his next words came
as a total shock to me. Right. I was wondering when it would come to this.
Im sorry, what? I blinked in confusion. For some reason, Charlie didnt seem
all that surprised by my statement, in fact, it was almost like he had been expecting
it.
He snorted. Im your father, Bella. I may be old, but Im not stupid. I know Alice
is not the only reason youve been spending so much time at the Cullens lately.
How? I gasped, my cheeks turning bright red.
This is a small town. People talk. Charlie rolled his eyes. I also happened to run
into Carlisle at the gas station the other day. He told me how happy he was that
you and Edward had become so close friends. He gave me a somewhat wounded
look.
All of the sudden, I felt like a total idiot. Charlie had known the Cullens a lot
longer than I had, and it hadnt even occurred to me that they might actually talk to
each other every now and then. And here I had been sneaking around with the fact
that Edward and I were friends, for reasons I couldnt even remember. God this
was so embarrassing!
Im sorry, Dad. I lowered my eyes. I didnt mean to hide things from you. I
shouldve told you sooner.
Damn right, you should have. Charlies face hardened. I dont understand,
Bella. I mean, I know we havent really been close, with you growing up with
your mother and all, but you live here with me now. I trust you. Have I given you
any reason not to trust me in return?
No. I felt horrible. Somehow, I wouldve almost preferred Charlie yelling at me.

He must have seen the miserable look on my face, because when he spoke again,
his expression turned softer. Bella, Im not mad, just disappointed that you felt
like you had to go behind my back like this. I cant say I know Edward, but the
Cullens are good people. As long as the boy treats you respectfully, then I dont
see any problem with you going out with him.
My eyes widened, and I couldnt keep the hopeful smile from spreading on my
face. Really?
Really. Charlie paused before adding, calmly, After he comes here to properly
introduce himself, of course.
Oh crap!

Chapter 32
BPOV
Um, Dad I hesitated, desperately searching my mind for the right way to
explain to my father why Edward coming over to introduce himself might not be
the best idea. Is that really necessary? I mean, its only our first date. Youll get to
meet him eventually, I promise. But I dont see why it has to happen so soon.
Charlie frowned. Is there a reason why you dont want me to meet him? Before I
could respond, he continued, Im sorry, Bells, but this is how its gonna be. If you
want to go out with him, then he comes here first. I dont think thats too much to
ask for. He paused. I promise not to bring out my gun, if thats what youre
worrying about.
My eyes widened in horror, and I paled. God, Dad, dont even joke about it!
He chuckled, his fingers drawing the shape of an invisible halo above his head.
Ill be on my best behavior.
I sighed, deciding to be honest. Look, Dad, I know you mean well, but Edward
might feel a bit... intimidated by your presence. Hes not really comfortable around
people he doesnt know.
My dad shrugged. Then well just have to get to know each other, and it wont be
a problem.

Dad... I started, although I wasnt really sure what I was going to say.
Bella. All of the sudden, he was dead serious. Im aware of Edwards... social
issues. Like I said, I dont know the boy personally, but I am acquainted with his
adopted parents. I was here when Edward first came to live with them, and it was
Carlisle himself who contacted me at the station to inform me about the restraining
order. Now, I dont know how much he has told you, but-
Restraining order? I cut him off, staring at him with my mouth wide open.
Charlie let out a sigh. I guess that answers my question. Bella, Im sorry, I
shouldnt have brought it up. Its not my place to-
I interrupted him again, Dad, please dont give me the whole its not my place
speech. This is my boyfriend were talking about.
His eyes narrowed. I thought you said it was only your first date. Now hes your
boyfriend?
My cheeks turned bright red, and I was unable to hide my embarrassment. It
hadnt been my intention to blurt it out like that; the word had just slipped out of
my mouth. I suppose, in my heart, I was already thinking of Edward as my
boyfriend. But I shouldve kept that thought to myself, at least for now.
Sometimes, I really needed a vocal filter.
Its just a figure of speech, I muttered defensively, then cleared my throat. My
point is, you seem to know more about Edward than I do. I didnt realize. He
opened his mouth, but I went on, Hes told me some stuff about his past, but I get
a feeling I dont even know half of it. And Im not gonna ask you for any inside
information. But Dad, will you just promise me one thing?
Whats that? He gave me a somewhat suspicious look.
Just go easy on him. I bit my lip, glancing at him. And please, dont try to
shake his hand.
*~*~*
EPOV

While a part of me was anxious about the upcoming date, I still like to think I was
taking it pretty cool, all things considering. Of course, that was until Bella called.
Not that I wasnt happy to hear her voice, but she sounded nervous. And I was
about to find out why.
Edward, she started, hesitantly, and I suddenly feared she was calling me to
cancel our date the next day. Maybe shed decided it was a mistake; that we should
just stick to being friends. The thought made me feel a pang in my chest, but I
figured I would be able to handle it if that was the case. As long as she would still
be a part of my life.
But her next words made me freeze. My dad wants to meet you, she finally
managed to get out, sounding apologetic.
I nearly dropped the phone, having definitely not seen that coming. W-what? I
stuttered, immediately starting to panic.
Obviously picking up on my sudden distress, Bella hurried on, Its no big deal,
really; basically he just wants you to stop by and say hello. I mean, its not like
hes gonna give you the third degree or anything. Hell be good, I promise. And
itll be over quickly. It shouldnt take more than a couple of minutes, and then we
can leave.
When I failed to respond, she continued, quietly, Look, I understand if you dont
wanna do this. Its okay, you dont have to. Its just that Charlie insists on meeting
you if were gonna go out. She hesitated for a moment. Edward, please dont
back out because of this. I promise, Ill think of something. I dont wanna lie to
my dad, but... Her voice trailed off, and I could hear sadness behind her words.
It suddenly hit me that Bella actually worried about me calling the whole thing off,
and the irony of it all wasnt lost on me. But the thought of having to face her
father - who without doubt would question my intentions, no matter what Bella
said - frightened me more than I liked to admit, and not just because the man
happened to be the Chief of Police of Forks.
The whole situation was completely foreign to me, and I had no idea what to
expect. In a way it made sense, I suppose, that Bellas father would want to meet
the guy who was going on a fucking date with his daughter. But could I do it? I
honestly didnt know. Then again, I figured it didnt really matter, because if I
wanted to go out with Bella, I didnt have much choice.
Although she didnt seem comfortable with the idea, Bella had indicated that she

was prepared to lie if she had to, just so we could still go out. And I could tell that
she meant it; she would come up with some excuse to give Charlie, should I just
ask her to. That, or she might just sneak out of the house; I wouldnt put anything
past her.
And thats why I knew I had do it. Because I was not going to let her risk getting
in trouble with her father because of me. I wasnt worth it. So I took a deep breath.
No, its all right. Ill be there.
Later that night, I went downstairs to get something to eat, and found Emmett in
the kitchen, rummaging through the fridge. He looked up when I entered the room,
giving me a brief nod. Mom and Dad went out, he informed me, picking up a
slice of leftover pizza. Said something about a wedding anniversary.
I fought the urge to roll my eyes. Carlisle and Esme had been going on about their
twenty-year anniversary all week, but Emmett had never been much for paying
attention. Alice chose that moment to join us, a wide grin on her face. Emmett,
put the pizza down. Mom left me in charge of the kitchen. Im making fajitas!
Cool. Emmett paused, eying the pizza with a thoughtful expression, and then
shoved the whole slice into his mouth. Seeing Alices look of disapproval, he
shrugged. What? Im hungry now.
Alice looked a little annoyed, but obviously decided to ignore his statement.
Instead she turned to me. Youre eating with us, right?
Sure, whatever. I shrugged. After all, I was going to eat anyway, and fajitas
sounded a lot better than anything I would be able to come up with.
Clearly pleased with my reply, Alice all but skipped over to the stove. You guys
can set the table. Make it for four; Jaspers coming over in a bit.
Then Im calling... Emmett started automatically, but then stopped himself and
lowered his eyes. Never mind, he mumbled, closing the door to the fridge a little
harder than necessary.
I frowned, knowing he had been about to say Rosalie. When I thought about it, I
realized it had been a while since I had seen her around the house. Not that I was
complaining; I couldnt stand the bitch. A part of me was curious, though, but I
wasnt going to ask. Although we mostly just tried to avoid each other, Emmett
and I had managed to act almost civilized towards one another lately.
Maybe I shouldve invited Bella, Alice mused as she opened the large cupboard

to look for ingredients. I tensed up briefly at the mention of Bellas name. Alice
continued, Ive barely talked to her all week. Shes been acting a little strange
lately. She glanced at me. You dont think shes mad at me, do you?
What? I gave her an incredulous look. How the fuck would I know? She
crossed her arms over her chest, looking at me expectantly, and I caved with a
sigh. Not that I know of, I muttered as I headed for the fridge to grab a soda.
Ill ask her tomorrow if you want. I immediately regretted the words.
Emmett looked up. Tomorrows Saturday, he stated.
Yeah, so? I turned to him in exasperation. I know what fucking day it is. His
eyes narrowed at my hostile tone.
Clearly sensing a fight coming up, Alice quickly stepped in, Oh, youre gonna see
Bella tomorrow? Can I come?
No, I responded, firmly. A sly smile spread on her face, but she remained silent.
I took a large gulp of my soda, doing my best to ignore her.
Emmett looked from me to Alice, and then back at me again. What, is Bella your
girlfriend now? Whats happening tomorrow? Is it like a date?
Thats none of your fucking business, I stated as calmly as I could, trying not to
snap at him, since there was no real sarcasm in his voice, just curiosity.
He stubbornly held my gaze. You didnt say no. So it is a date?
No. I rolled my eyes. Maybe. I dont wanna talk about it. I gave Alice a
warning look, and she had the nerve to look offended. She huffed as she started
chopping the vegetables.
A couple of minutes passed in a blissful silence before Alice dropped the knife at
the cutting board and spun around. Can I just ask one question?
I was tempted to say no, but had a feeling that wouldnt stop her. What? I asked,
suspiciously.
She hesitated a little, and I realized she was struggling to smother her eagerness,
which was very out of character for her. Where are you guys going? Seeing the
look on my face, she hurried on, Im just curious. I promise; Im not gonna stalk
you or anything. Emmett let out an amused snort, but didnt say anything.

I sighed. Just out for some coffee. Its no big deal. That was a fucking lie, and I
was pretty sure we all knew it. Luckily, no one questioned my statement.
Coffees fine, I guess, for a first... Alice managed to stop herself before the word
date left her mouth. She cleared her throat. Anyway, you can always do
something fancier the next time. Jazz and I usually-
Yeah, really not interested, I muttered, cutting her off. I didnt miss the hurt look
on her face, but did my best to ignore it, although I had to admit I felt a little bad.
Emmett had been quiet for a while, but now he spoke up, So, what kind of
flowers are you bringing her?
Flowers? I spluttered, choking on my soda. Youre fucking joking, right? His
face was dead serious. Should I? The thought hadnt even occurred to me.
Alice perked up. Absolutely! Flowers are always nice. Itll make her feel
special.
Oh, okay. I felt like an idiot for not knowing about these things. But then again,
why should I? It wasnt like Id ever had any reason to care about trivial shit like
flowers before.
You cant just bring her any flowers, though. Emmett opened one of the kitchen
cabinets and grabbed three plates. Seeing my frown, he started explaining, You
know, different colors mean different things. I have this article up in my room...
he stopped abruptly when he saw my bewildered expression. It was Rosalie who
gave it to me, okay? Just shut the fuck up!
Alice started giggling. I still cant believe you actually fed her that cheesy A rose
for a Rose line!
Emmett scowled at her, clearly embarrassed. What? I thought I was being
romantic and shit! How was I supposed to know shed freak out and think I was
just trying to get into her pants?
Oh, I dont know. Alice gave him a somewhat amused look. Are you telling me
you werent? They kept bickering, but I had stopped listening. Now I had gotten
another thing to worry about. Bringing Bella flowers, or not?
And what fucking color?
Hell, I was still freaking out over the thought of meeting Bellas father. Suddenly I

felt like my head was spinning. It was all just becoming too much. I wasnt ready
for this. Both Alice and Emmett jumped when I slammed the half empty soda can
down on the kitchen counter. They immediately fell silent, staring at me with wide
eyes.
I've changed my mind, Im not hungry, I managed to get out between gritted
teeth before I spun around and left the room. I could hear Alices objections, but
thankfully, she didnt follow. Hurrying up the stairs, I fled into my room and
quickly closed the door behind me.
Slumping down on the bed, I closed my eyes and took a couple of deep breaths,
struggling to get my emotions under control. It wasnt working, though. I clenched
my fists in frustration. Why had I agreed to this fucking date? I had been an idiot
to think I could ever go through with it.
You agreed because you wanted to, the voice inside my head argued. Bella is the
best thing that ever happened to you, and you will not screw this up like
everything else. Just get a fucking grip!
A knock on the door snapped me out of my troubled thoughts, and I let out a
groan. I really wasnt in a mood for one of Alices fucking pep talks. Go away! I
grumbled, suppressing the urge to throw something hard and breakable at the door.
Another knock. I mean it, Alice. Leave me the fuck alone!
The knocking just continued, and Id had enough. Jumping up from the bed, I
strode across the room and flung the door open. Having expected to see Alice, I
was a little taken aback when I realized it was Emmett standing on the other side,
but I quickly recovered. What part of go away dont you understand? I
demanded, angrily.
He shrugged, giving me a smug look. You said Alice. Im not Alice. Now, if
youd said go away, Emmett, it wouldve been a whole different matter.
Silently counting to five, I desperately tried to control my temper. If he was trying
to get my mind off of my sudden anxiety over the date with Bella, I would have to
say he was succeeding, at least for the moment. But I refused to give him the
credit, knowing it was more likely that he was just trying to piss me off. Go away,
Emmett, I all but growled.
No, was his only reply as he calmly stepped past me and into the room. I just
stared after him - too stunned to protest - as he sauntered over to my desk and
plonked himself down in the black office chair.

Remaining by the door - still holding it wide open - I glared at him, finally finding
my voice. Get out of my room!
Oh, just chill for a moment, will you? Emmett rolled his eyes. Im not here to
pick a fight. Just came to talk.
Talk? I snorted. Yeah, thats fucking hilarious. I dont know why Alice would
send you up here, but-
I was cut off as a dry laugh escaped him. Alice? Now thats hilarious, man. She
nearly beat me down with her fucking spatula to keep me from getting up here.
That threw me off for a second, and I stared at him in bewilderment. If Alice
didnt put you up to this, then what the fuck are you doing here?
Emmett let out a patient sigh. I told you; I just wanna talk.
Why? He opened his mouth, but I shook my head and went on, a hard note in
my voice, Never mind. Look, you can just drop the nice act. Why dont you just
do both of us a favor? Stop pretending like you care, and go back to hating my
guts.
I could see his jaw clench, but his voice remained calm as he spoke. I dont hate
you. I may think youre acting like a total asshole most of the time, but I dont hate
you. Not knowing how to respond to that, I took a step back into the room,
leaving the door open. He hesitated for a moment. Look, Im just gonna come
right out and say this. I was out of line. Forget about the flowers.
Huh? I blinked in confusion.
Emmett sighed again. Forget what I said about the fucking flowers. Its no big
deal. You dont have to bring her anything.
I stared at him like he had just grown a second head. What the fuck are you
talking about? You said-
Yeah, I know what I said. He absently started drawing patterns on my desk with
his index finger. I wasnt thinking. Rose was into that kind of shit; honestly, I
think she just got off on me buying her stuff. But Bellas nothing like Rosalie.
Thank God for that, I muttered without thinking. But Emmett didnt seem overly
upset by my statement. He just mumbled something I couldnt make out. My eyes
narrowed. Are you two...?

He shrugged, looking away. Were taking a break. Dont wanna get into it. I
frowned, but didnt argue. For a minute or so, neither of us said anything. Finally
Emmett spoke up again, You know, from what Ive seen so far, Bellas not a
shallow person. Quite the opposite. My point is, just do it your way, and dont go
overboard. Youll do fine.
Now I was more confused than ever. To be perfectly honest, Emmett was the last
person I would ever have expected to understand how I felt about all of this. And
yet, he seemed to know exactly why I had freaked out down in the kitchen. I shook
my head, trying to clear my thoughts.
When I didnt say anything, Emmett got up from the chair. Anyway, Ill leave
you alone now. Just... He hesitated. Dont get me wrong. Most girls like to be
pampered every once in a while. Like Alice said; it makes them feel special. But
you do it because you want do, not because you feel obligated. Thatll just make
them feel shitty.
I nodded slowly in understanding. Emmett cleared his throat. Right. Ill just...
He shrugged, looking somewhat awkward, and I couldnt blame him. To tell the
truth, I felt like I had just stepped back into reality after spending the last ten
minutes in some parallel universe.
After Emmett had left the room, I happened to cast a look at my desk, and my eyes
landed on a crumpled piece of paper that hadnt been there before. Hesitating a
little, I then made my way over there and picked it up. I couldnt help but chuckle
as it hit me what I was looking at. It was an article, having been roughly cut out
from some kind of magazine. At the bottom was a long list.
And at the top were the words 'Flowers and their Meanings.'

Chapter 33
BPOV
When Alice had offered to come over and help me get ready for my date with
Edward, I politely declined, in fear of her going overboard and changing me
beyond recognition. By now, I had come to learn how Alices mind worked. Her
idea of proper attire for a date at the coffee house would probably mean either a
cocktail dress or an evening gown, accompanied with a pair of five inches stiletto

heels.
The mere thought made me shudder.
But now, with Edwards arrival less than an hour away, I was starting to question
my decision of banning Alice from my house until the date was over. Not that I
wanted her to give me another make-over, because no matter how much she would
try and convince me otherwise, it just wasnt me. A little mascara and some lip
gloss, and I was ready for any event, may it be formal or casual.
And as for clothes, I felt much more at ease just wearing comfortable jeans and a
pretty top than a fancy dress or a skirt. I liked it simple, and more importantly, I
was less likely to stumble and break my ankle if Id walk around in a pair of
sneakers.
However, this wasnt just any ordinary date. It was with Edward. I wanted it to be
perfect. Not to mention that I wanted him to find me attractive, not looking like I
had just grabbed the first thing my eyes landed on when I opened the closet this
morning. Because standing next to Edward, I was pretty sure I must be looking
like something the cat had just dragged in.
I mean, the guy was stunning. With his pale - almost alabaster - yet incredibly
smooth skin, emerald eyes, and perfectly full lips, you could easily compare him
to some Greek god. And the more I got to know Edward, the more I started to
realize that he was just as beautiful on the inside. Only he didnt seem aware of his
resplendence.
To me, Edward Cullen was perfect. He had it all; good looks and a good heart.
True - he clearly came with a pretty heavy baggage. I knew there were still a lot of
things he kept from me; things he either couldnt or wouldnt share with me yet.
He always seemed troubled, haunted, and I thought I could count the times I had
actually seen him smile, using only the fingers on my right hand.
At the same time, I suspected Edward had opened up more to me during these past
few weeks than he ever had before, to anyone, including his adopted family. And
while a part of me felt pride and happiness for being the one person he obviously
felt comfortable with, it also broke my heart. Who had been there for him before
me? I was pretty sure I knew the answer - nobody.
In fairness to his family, I no longer doubted they had been trying, all of them. But
Edwards obvious unwillingness to let them in had caused a huge gap between
them, and they didnt know how to reach out to him, how to help him. I had
blamed them at first, had even accused them - to their face, like with Emmett, or in

my mind, like with the rest of them - of not caring about Edward.
I knew better now, though. In a way, they were all victims. None of them deserved
this. Carlisle, Esme, Alice and Emmett. I had come to care about them like a
second family, and I wanted to help all of them.
But most of all, I wanted to help Edward. I wanted to take all his pain and make it
go away - or share his pain, if the former wasnt possible. Because even if he
wouldnt say anything, I knew he was hurting, badly. And it was killing me to just
watch, unable to do anything about it.
Of course, I wasnt stupid. It was all becoming so clear to me now. I realized
Edwards behavior - his temper, the random outbursts and his trust issues - it all
had to be the result of childhood trauma; the abuse he had suffered all those years
ago at the hand of his step father. No wonder he didnt like to be touched, since he
must have come to associate physical contact with pain.
When I thought about it, I just wanted to weep. Even more so when I recalled
Edward chanting repeatedly that he was bad, when it was so obvious that he was
nothing of the sort. It was all in his head, and there was no doubt that it had been
his evil, son of a bitch stepfather who had put the ideas there.
How anyone could be so heartless, so cruel, was beyond me.
I could only pray that - in time - Edward would be able to fully open up to me. In
the meantime, all I could do was to prove, again and again, that I was there for
him, that I wasnt going anywhere. Eventually, he would have no choice but to
believe me. Then he would have no reason to keep testing my limits to see what it
would take to scare me away.
And hopefully, one day, he would love me the way I loved him, with all my heart.
But in all honesty, deep down, I couldnt help but fear that I wouldnt be worthy of
him. Because Edward deserved so much more than I could possibly have to give
him. I was just plain Bella Swan. Nothing special about me, at all. And I was
terrified the day would come when he would realize he could do so much better.
But I wouldnt allow myself to dwell on that, at least not now. Casting a look at
my watch, my eyes widened in horror as I realized I had gotten lost in my
thoughts, and now had less than twenty minutes before Edward would show up.
Rushing into the bathroom, I nearly tripped over my own feet in my sudden
eagerness to get ready for the most important date of my life.
My hands were trembling slightly as I looked into the mirror and tried to apply

some of my new lip gloss without getting the pink goo all over my teeth. Then I
swept a brush through my hair a couple of times, causing it to fall in soft waves
over my shoulders. Adding some black mascara, along with a few drops of my
favorite perfume, and I was all done.
Charlie was sitting in front of the TV, watching some baseball game. He looked up
briefly when I came stumbling down the stairs. You look nice, was all he offered
before he turned his attention back to the game. I eyed him suspiciously to make
sure he had kept his promise of not bringing out his gun, or any kind of weapon,
for that matter.
You could never be too careful.
Now Dad, remember what we talked about. I started ticking off on my fingers;
No shaking hands. No embarrassing questions. Dont say or do anything that
might make Edward feel uncomfortable. In fact, you dont even have to get up.
You can just sit right there where you are. And-
Bella, he raised a hand to stop my ramblings, weve been through this already.
The doorbell rang, causing me to jump, and Charlie rolled his eyes. Just go let
Edward in. Ill wait here.
Right. I nervously wrung my hands as I left the room, heading for the front door.
This was it. I took a deep breath before grabbing the handle, and pulled the door
open. Edward was standing out on the porch, one hand stuffed into his pocket and
the other one behind his back, looking every bit as nervous as I was, if not more.
But when our eyes met, he visibly relaxed. Hey, he mumbled, somewhat
awkwardly.
Hi. I swallowed. Um, come on in. My dads in the living room. Remembering
my manners, I quickly took a step back, allowing him to enter.
Oh. Yeah, okay. Taking a hesitant step through the doorway, Edward then
cleared his throat. Listen, Bella, before we... I mean, I just wanted to... Oh, fuck
this - here. He revealed the hand he had kept hidden, and, almost roughly, handed
me a single, purple flower.
I blinked in surprise, too stunned to speak as I accepted the exquisite flower,
immediately bringing it up to my nose to inhale its scent. When I got a closer look,
I noticed that the stem looked a tad worse for wear, like he had been squeezing it a
little too tightly on his way over. But I didnt care - it was still absolutely perfect.
Tears started welling up in my eyes, as I was touched beyond words.

Thank you, I whispered. Its beautiful.

The relief on his face was almost comical. Really? You dont hate it, then?
Are you kidding? I stared at him in disbelief. Edward, I love it. I dont know
much about flowers, though. Whats it called?
Edward suddenly seemed to find something very interesting on the floor, next to
his feet. Freesia, he mumbled, clearly embarrassed. I mean, thats what they
said in the store. A pause. You can google it if you want.
Okay. I smiled, reaching for his hand and giving it a soft squeeze. All of the
sudden, I found myself wondering what his reaction wouldve been if I had just
given him a hug instead. Edward seemed perfectly okay with me touching him
these days, and surely a hug would be customary on a date. Still, I was too much
of a coward to initiate it, especially with my father in the next room.
Right, Charlie - who was in there waiting for Edward to come and introduce
himself. I let out a sigh, deciding we might as well get it over with. Look, why
dont we just go say hi to my dad? Then we can get out of here.
All right. Edward blew out a gust of air. Then he ran his hand through his hair.
Bella, I dont know how to do this, he admitted with a sigh. I mean, Ive
never... His voice trailed off and he lowered his eyes.
I get it. Im glad, actually. He looked up at me, frowning. It makes me happy
knowing you havent done this for anyone else, I explained, blushing.
A ghost of a smile appeared on his face. Right. Okay. Lets do it, then.
I nodded, tugging gently on his hand, and he followed me into the kitchen, where I
quickly put the flower in a glass of water. Then we headed for the living room.
Charlie sat up straight on the couch when we entered the room, but - like I had
asked him - he remained where he was. His eyes landed on our intertwined hands,
but thankfully, he didnt comment.
Dad, this is Edward. I tried to smile, but since I was so nervous, it probably
came out a bit strained. And Edward, this is my dad, Charlie.
Edward cleared his throat. Its nice to meet you, Chief Swan.
Likewise. But theres no need to be so formal. My father waved his hand in
dismissal. Just call me Charlie. Im well acquainted with your parents; I dont see

any reason why we shouldnt be on a first name basis as well.

I could see Edward tense up briefly at the word parents, but he didnt say
anything about it. Instead he just nodded in acceptance. All right.
Charlie nodded as well. The room fell quiet for a moment. Casting a look at the
TV, he then looked at Edward again. So, Edward, how do you feel about
baseball?
Clearly a little taken aback by the question, Edward glanced at me, questioningly. I
just shrugged, giving him an encouraging smile. He turned back to my dad, a
somewhat uncertain look on his face. Um, baseballs fine, I guess. Im not that
much into sports and stuff, but I watch it every now and then.
I see. Charlie nodded in understanding.
I rolled my eyes, turning to Edward. Dads a huge sports fan. Its his greatest joy
in life. Well, that and fishing.
Charlies face lit up at the mention of his other favorite hobby. He nodded in
agreement. Do you like fishing, Edward?
Edward shrugged, a little awkwardly. Actually, Ive never tried it. But Im sure
its... he hesitated a little, searching for the right word, ...relaxing.
It is. Charlie snickered. Unless you have Bella with you. I brought her along
once when she was seven, and she nearly fell into the water half a dozen times. It
might have been more, but by then, I had to stop counting and just focus on
keeping her safely in the boat.
Dad! I glared at him, embarrassed.
Obviously encouraged by Edwards amused expression, Charlie ignored me and
went on, And then she threw a tantrum every time she happened to actually catch
a fish. She felt so sorry for them. I ended up removing the hook from her fishing
pole, just to get some peace and quiet. Then she was perfectly happy, just sitting
there waving that damn thing around in the water.
Edward chuckled at that. If you didnt want to catch any fish, why would you go
in the first place?
Beyond embarrassed now, I shrugged, feeling my cheeks flush. It sounded like
fun when Dad talked about it. I just didnt realize we were gonna kill them. Thats

just wrong.
Charlie got a thoughtful look on his face. You know, I think I may have some
pictures lying around. Let me just-
I cut him off before he could finish the sentence. Absolutely not, Dad! No
pictures. Besides, we gotta go. Giving him a firm look, I prayed that he would
take the hint and let the subject drop.
Thankfully, he did, although he seemed a little disappointed. Oh. Of course. I
rolled my eyes. That was the last thing I needed; my father bringing out the baby
pictures. While I had wanted him and Edward to get along, I didnt see why it had
to be on my expense. Then again, if it made Edward feel less uncomfortable, I
suppose I could endure.
I bit my lip, glancing at Edward. Shall we? He nodded. All right, Dad. See you
later.
Have fun. Charlie paused. Nice meeting you, Edward.
You too, Edward agreed, although he seemed more than a little relieved that the
introductions were over so we could leave. I didnt blame him. At least things had
gone pretty smoothly. And now it was over. Or so I thought.
Bella... Charlie called out quietly, just as I was about to follow Edward out of
the room. I stopped in alarm, turning to look at him over my shoulder. Dont be
home too late. And... he lowered his voice, I put a can of pepper spray in the
pocket of your jacket, just in case.
I snorted. Youre a real hoot, Dad. Seeing his dead serious expression, I realized
he wasnt joking. Shaking my head in exasperation, I left without another word.
About twenty minutes later, Edward and I arrived at the coffee house. The place
wasnt too crowded; almost half of the tables were empty, and we were shown to a
booth next to a large window. It didnt take long before a waitress showed up to
take our orders.
She was tall with strawberry blonde hair, extremely beautiful, and looking to be a
few years older than us, probably in college. My eyes narrowed as she batted her
long eyelashes at Edward, introducing herself as Tanya, before asking in a low,
seductive voice if he wanted to hear about todays specialties.
To my great relief, Edward didnt look overly pleased by the attention. If anything,

he seemed to be uncomfortable by the whole thing. And when Tanya leaned over
the table, giving him a generous view of her cleavage, he visibly shrank back into
his seat. Ignoring the girls shameless attempt of flirting with him, he looked at
me. Bella? His voice was a bit strained.
I waited for Tanya to turn her attention to me, but when she just tossed her hair
over her shoulder and kept smiling at Edward - either oblivious or simply ignoring
his discomfort - Id had enough. Loudly clearing my throat, I then actually
snapped my fingers at her.
Um, hello? Are you capable of taking a simple order without molesting your
customers, or do we have to file a complaint and take it up with your pimp? My
eyes widened as soon as the words had left my mouth, because I had never spoken
to a stranger in such a disrespectful manner before. I couldnt find it in me to feel
bad, though; she had it coming.
Finally tearing her eyes away from Edward, Tanya turned to stare at me, her face
bright red. The smile she gave me then was as fake as her ridiculously large boobs.
What would you like? she asked in a cold voice.
Hmm... I pretended to give it a lot of thought, determined not to give her the
advantage of the situation. If she thought she could get away with ogling Edward
right in front of me, she was mistaken. In all honesty, I was a little surprised by my
strong reaction, especially since Edward had done absolutely nothing to encourage
her - quite the opposite - but I was still upset by her rude behavior.
However, I resisted the urge to ask her to recite the menu just to further annoy her.
Ill have a vanilla latte, I told her. Then a thought occurred to me, and I was
unable to keep a devilish grin from spreading on my face. Oh, and some
blueberry pie. One slice - two spoons. I then turned to Edward, not wanting it to
seem like I was walking all over him, and asked, sweetly, If thats okay with you,
honey?
I just couldnt help myself, but suddenly I feared I had gone too far. Edwards eyes
darted between me and Tanya before finally landing on me, and he had a slightly
shocked expression on his face. But, much to my relief, he quickly recovered.
Um, sure. Then he cleared his throat, and added, And Ill have some coffee.
Black.
Of course. Tanyas expression had changed, and now she just looked bored. She
quickly spun around and disappeared, but not before throwing one last hateful
glare in my direction.

And I couldnt hide my victorious smile as I waved my hand at her and mouthed,
Chop, chop!

Chapter 34
EPOV
As soon as Tanya was out of sight, I turned to stare at Bella in wonder, not sure of
what had just happened. When she noticed the look on my face, her triumphant
expression disappeared, and she lowered her eyes in shame. Oh my God, Edward,
Im really sorry. I was out of line; I shouldnt have-
Bella... I cut her off, although I had no idea what I was going to say. The truth
was, I felt like an idiot. This was just another reason why I shouldnt be doing
things like this. Because I couldnt fucking handle it. Tanya may have been way
too friendly for my liking, but it wasnt like she had actually touched me or
anything. And yet, I had almost crawled out of my own skin to get away from her.
Bella went on like she hadnt even noticed my interruption, and her voice became
more agitated as she threw a nervous look over her shoulder, And I cant believe I
actually compared the waitress to a hooker. To her face! I mean, she totally
deserved it, but still... Oh God, I wasnt even thinking. She just made me so mad, I
could just-
Bella! I interrupted her again, a little firmer this time. Just calm down. Im
getting kinda confused here. Why are you so upset?
And did she really just call me honey?
Are you serious? Bella stared at me like I had just grown a second head. I was
sitting right here, and she was coming on to you!
It took a moment for her words to sink in. Then my eyes widened in disbelief.
No... I shook my head in denial. Come on, Bella, thats fucking ridiculous. She
was just... I stopped, suddenly at a loss for words. To tell the truth, the thought
hadnt even occurred to me.
What? You think she greets all customers like that? My God, she nearly climbed
into your lap! Bella blushed furiously and covered her face with her hands. I just
looked at her, feeling like my head was spinning. When she let out a loud groan, I

leaned over the table without hesitation and carefully grabbed her wrists, tugging
gently until she removed her hands and allowed our eyes to meet.
Lets get out of here. The words were out of my mouth before I realized I had
spoken.
At first she just looked confused. Then her eyes widened in alarm. Finally she
swallowed, hard. Im sorry, she whispered. I didnt mean to freak out like that.
I frowned, not understanding why she looked so sad all of the sudden. My mind
was racing as I tried to figure out what I had just missed. Its okay, I told her,
quietly. But would you mind if we just skip the coffee and go somewhere else? I
felt really bad for suggesting it, seeing how this had been Bellas idea, but I started
to feel like I couldnt breathe in here, let alone have an actual conversation.
And it suddenly seemed to be of major importance for me and Bella to clear the
air.
Bella blinked in surprise at my words, and when she spoke up, her relief was
palpable. Go somewhere else? Oh, I thought you meant... She let out a nervous
laugh and nodded. Sure. That bitch will probably spit in my latte, anyway.
I snorted at that, but then figured she might well be right. What about the pie?
She shrugged. Ive lost my appetite. Seeing how I was about to object, she
hurried on, Really, Id rather just go someplace where we can talk, without some
skanky waitress hovering over our shoulders.
Right. I threw an alarmed look over my shoulder, but luckily, Tanya was
nowhere to be seen.
Bella bit her lip, a somewhat uncertain look on her face. So, where do you wanna
go instead?
I thought about it for a moment, and then an idea occurred to me.
About thirty minutes later, Bella and I stepped through the last of the shrubbery
and out into the meadow. Somewhere along the way, I had taken her hand, telling
myself it was just so she wouldnt stumble over something and fall, but deep
down, I knew that was just an excuse. The truth was, I had come to enjoy the
feeling of Bellas much smaller hand in mine, more than I was ready to admit.
Because all of the sudden, it wasnt just about comfort anymore. Sure, Bellas

touch still had a calming effect on me, but somehow, it had become more than that.
I wanted to be close to her; had come to crave the physical contact, for no other
reason than the simple fact that it felt good. And it both thrilled me and terrified
me at the same time.
While a part of me still feared that it wouldnt last, I was so fucking tired of
worrying about it all the time. It was exhausting, and I just wanted to be able to
relax, if only for a moment.
After leaving my car by the end of the road and starting to make our way through
the forest, Bella and I had been walking quietly next to each other, neither of us
feeling it necessary to fill the silence with words. We both knew where we were
heading, and it was like we had made a silent agreement not to talk until we had
arrived.
Although the sky was overcast, it hadnt been raining for a couple of days, so the
grass was dry. The air was a bit chilly, though. Seeing how Bella started to remove
her jacket, I put my hand on her arm to stop her. She gave me a slightly confused
look as I quickly shrugged out of my own jacket and placed it on the ground for
her to sit on. Keep yours on, I told her in explanation.
I wasnt overly surprised when she immediately started to object. But what about
you? Youll get cold.
No, I wont. She didnt look convinced, and I rolled my eyes when she
stubbornly remained standing. Just sit down, Bella.
Fine. Letting out an exaggerated sigh, Bella carefully sat down, making sure to
take up as little space on the jacket as possible. Then she looked up at me, patting
the part she wasnt sitting on with an expectant look on her face. When I hesitated,
it was her turn to roll her eyes dramatically before calmly repeating my words,
Just sit down, Edward. I raised a brow, but found myself obeying.
For a minute or so, we just sat there in silence, and I could feel the warmth of
Bellas body against mine. Finally I spoke up, quietly, You wanna talk about what
happened at the coffee house?
Okay. Bella glanced at me. But its kind of embarrassing. I waited for her to
go on. She sighed. Look, I didnt mean to make you feel uncomfortable. Im
sorry if I did.
My eyes shot to hers and I gave her a skeptical look. Youre kidding, right? She
just looked at me. I ran my fingers through my hair. Bella, you didnt make me

feel uncomfortable. She did. I just... Not sure how to explain, I let out a frustrated
sigh. I wanted to make Bella understand, but I had a hard time trying to put my
mixed emotions into words.
But... Bella swallowed, suddenly not wanting to meet my eyes. Are you saying
you didnt mind when I called you... she took a deep breath and rushed the word
out, ...honey?
Mind? I shook my head, incredulously. You can call me whatever you want, I
managed to get out in a somewhat shaky voice.
She was quiet for a moment. When she spoke up again, her voice was barely more
than a whisper, What if I wanted to call you... my boyfriend?
I froze dead in my tracks. When I finally dared to look at her, she had her head
downcast and her eyes locked on the ground, clearly taking my silence as
rejection. What she didnt seem to understand was that her question had left me
completely speechless.
Bella... I reached out a tentative hand towards her, only to pull back before
making contact. I wanted to touch her, and I wanted to run. I wanted to explain to
her why I was acting the way I was, that my hesitation had nothing to do with her.
She was not the problem here - I was. I was the one who wasnt good enough, who
wouldnt be able to live up to her expectations.
Edward, please... Bella raised her head, her eyes glistening with unshed tears. I
dont understand. You said you liked me. What are you so afraid of?
I lifted my hand again, and this time, I didnt pull away. Instead I ran my trembling
fingers gently down her cheek. I dont wanna hurt you, I whispered, hoarsely.
She closed her eyes for a brief moment, leaning into my touch. Then my words
seemed to register, and she blinked in confusion. What? You wouldnt.
You dont know that. I swallowed hard. Bella, you may think you know me,
but you really dont. There are things-
Look, if this is about your past... Bella shook her head. How many times do we
have to go through this? Youre not bad. You wont hurt me. I refuse to believe
that.
I jumped up in frustration, starting to pace back and forth. Bella, you dont
understand. I do like you, and I cant think of anything Id want more than for you

to be my girlfriend, if thats what you really want. But it wouldnt be fair to you.
Dont you get it? I cant be what you need. What you deserve.
Stop talking like that! Bella jumped up as well. Youre the one who doesnt get
it. What I need is you, just the way you are. Thats all. Now, if you didnt want me,
I could accept that. Id still be your friend. But thats obviously not the case here.
Because you just admitted that you do want me. And if thats true-
What I want is not fucking relevant! A choked sob escaped my throat. I cant
do this. I cant be in a fucking relationship, because... I clenched my fists,
...because youre gonna want things from me that I cant give you. Maybe not
right now, but someday, and I cant... I cant... I suddenly felt a desperate need to
punch something, to break things, but unfortunately, there was nothing around.
Edward... Bella was suddenly next to me, the concern evident on her face. She
tried to take my hand, but I snatched it away from her, not allowing myself the
comfort of her touch. I realized I was confusing the hell out of her, and her next
words confirmed it. Im sorry, but youre not making any sense right now. Please,
just talk to me. Whats this all about?
I cant... be with you... like that. My voice cracked on the last word, but I went
on, pleadingly, Just let it go, Bella. Dont make me say it.
Say what? I could hear the desperation in her voice. When I didnt answer, she
continued, somewhat hesitantly, Edward, its okay. Whatever it is, well deal with
it. Just-
I cant fucking sleep with you! I blurted out, the words were out of my mouth
before I could stop them.
Bellas face fell. She blinked a couple of times, opened her mouth, then closed it
again. Her cheeks slowly turned red, and she finally whispered, Ive never asked
you to... I mean, we havent even... Her voice trailed off.
I know that! Humiliation welled up inside me. I realized I had started shaking,
badly, and wrapped my arms around my body. But you will, if we keep... You
will, and I cant... I dont...
Edward, no. She gently put a finger over my lips to stop my ramblings. This is
crazy. I cant believe were even having this conversation. Do you actually believe
I just wanna be with you so we can...? She shook her head, clearly upset. I
would never... oh my God. I could see the exact moment realization hit her, as her
eyes widened and she let out a soft gasp.

Bellas hand flew up to cover her mouth, and she stared at me with a look of
absolute horror on her face. Then she slowly started shaking her head in denial.
No... she whispered. Edward, please, tell me he didnt... She left the rest of the
sentence hanging, clearly unable to finish.
I just looked at her, feeling like all the air had suddenly left my body. A million
different thoughts had been flying through my head, only moments ago. But all of
the sudden, my mind had become completely blank, and all that was left was
numbness. If anyone had asked me what I was thinking just then, I wouldnt be
able to answer.
She hesitantly reached out towards me, but I quickly took a step back, lowering
my eyes in shame. Now she knew; my silence must have confirmed her
suspicions, and I couldnt bring myself to face her any longer. Unfortunately, I
didnt look away fast enough to miss the tears welling up in her eyes as her face
crumbled.
As if the sight of Bellas tears had triggered something inside me, causing me to
snap out of the stupor, my entire body started screaming at me to run, to get as far
away from here as possible and never look back. But I couldnt run. I found that I
couldnt even move an inch.
Instead I dropped to my knees, right there on the ground, my fingers involuntarily
grabbing at my hair by the roots, tugging forcefully, and my brain didnt even
register any pain. I squeezed my eyes shut and started rocking back and forth, only
to jump a mile when I felt Bellas soft hands gently gripping my wrists.
I made a weak attempt of pulling away, but she wouldnt let go, and I couldnt find
the strength to fight, verbally nor physically. She carefully made me loosen the
grip on my hair, taking both my clenched fists in her hands and running her
thumbs tenderly over my knuckles.
Still refusing to open my eyes, I became aware of the disturbing sound of someone
gasping repeatedly, desperately, for air. After a while, I realized it was me,
struggling to pull some oxygen into my burning lungs. I could hear Bella
mumbling in the background, although it took a moment before I was finally able
to make out what she was saying.
Its all right, Edward, look at me. Im right here, everythings gonna be okay...
Bella was babbling now, almost frantically, and her words made me let out a bitter
laugh, because it was just so fucking ridiculous - nothing was ever going to be
okay.

I tried telling her so, but barely managed to choke out her name before a huge
lump in my throat caused my voice to fail me, and all that came out was a pathetic
whimper.
Its okay, its okay... she kept chanting like a mantra, her voice cracking, and I
didnt have to look at her to know that she was crying - again - all these fucking
tears because of me, and I just wanted to tell her to stop, that she shouldnt cry for
me, because I didnt fucking deserve it.
She shouldnt feel sorry for me, like I was some fucking victim, because I refused
to see myself that way. Carlisle and Esme, all the fucking therapists - whose names
I couldnt even bother to remember - they all kept talking about abuse, but to me,
that was just another word, just an excuse. The truth was, I was tainted, unclean. I
had known all along, and now Bella knew as well.
So why was she still here?
My eyes snapped open, stinging with the tears I refused to let fall, and I gave her
an incredulous look. You should be fucking disgusted, I croaked, only half
aware of the way her hands were still clutching mine, tightly. Dont fucking pity
me, Bella. I dont want... I inhaled shakily, willing away the sobs threatening to
overtake me.
Bella dropped my hands, almost abruptly, and while I knew I shouldnt really be
surprised, I couldnt help but feel a pang in my chest at the sudden loss of contact.
I quickly turned my head away, not wanting her to see the hurt look on my face.
The last thing I wanted was for Bella to touch me out of guilt.
I kept my eyes locked on the grass, waiting for Bella to get up and leave. But it
didnt happen. Instead she just scooted closer to me. When I looked up in surprise,
our eyes met. To my astonishment, I could see neither pity, nor repulsion there.
Only deep, genuine sorrow.
She bit her lip as she moved, slowly, her eyes never leaving mine. And then,
almost like in slow motion, she put her arms around me.

Chapter 35
BPOV

One single word kept ringing in my head, over and over again. No! It couldnt be
true. I didnt want it to be true. But deep down, I knew it was. And I just wanted to
scream. It all made perfect sense to me now; Edwards trust issues, his mood
swings, and most importantly - his fear of physical contact. His step father had
done more than just hitting him.
It was so much worse than I had ever imagined. For a moment, I felt like I was
actually going to be sick.
No... Oh God, please, not that!
But I couldnt deny the truth when it was practically thrown in my face, no matter
how badly I wished it was all just a huge misunderstanding. It wasnt, and I
needed to stay strong, now more than ever. But how could I, when the horrible
realization made me feel like I was being torn apart from the inside?
Tears were streaming down my face, and I could hear the sound of my broken
voice as I kept repeating the same words over and over, Its okay, its okay, its
okay... But it wasnt, and we both knew it.
Then Edward finally looked at me, and I knew the raw pain I could see in his
beautiful green eyes would haunt me for the rest of my life. You should be
fucking disgusted, he choked out, furiously trying to blink away the tears
threatening to spill down his cheeks. Dont fucking pity me, Bella. I dont
want... He had to stop, his breathing coming out in ragged gasps, and I failed to
hold back a sob.
Because I finally understood. Edward was deeply ashamed of what he had been
unable to prevent from happening - when he had been just a defenseless child and he actually thought it would change the way I felt about him. As if it could
possibly make me think any less of him.
My heart broke all over again, and I just wanted to tell him that he had nothing to
worry about, but the words wouldnt come out, so I had to come up with another
way to assure him that I would never turn my back on him over something like
that. A part of me was reluctant to let go of his hands, because I couldnt help but
fear he would take the first opportunity to bolt.
But I had to let go, since it was the only way I would be able to wrap my arms
around him. Although I tried moving as slowly as I possibly could, terrified of
frightening him and add to his obvious agitation, I still knew I was taking a huge

risk making such a bold move. However, I couldnt just sit there any longer and
not make any attempt of calming him.
I wasnt really surprised when I felt Edward go absolutely rigid in my arms; it was
like hugging a human shaped statue. He just sat there completely frozen, and I
started to wonder if I had just made a huge mistake. I didnt pull back, though,
praying that once he had gotten over the initial shock, he would find some comfort
in my embrace.
The seconds ticked by, and I became more and more anxious about Edwards lack
of response, but I couldnt bring myself to open my mouth and voice my concerns.
At least he had yet to push me away. Suddenly he started trembling, and I
automatically raised my hand, running my fingers soothingly through his hair.
That was when I realized I was shaking as well, and swallowed hard. After a
moments hesitation, I started rubbing his back, moving my hand slowly up and
down, and I could feel his stiff muscles underneath the fabric of his t-shirt. The
fact that he was still so tense bothered me more than I liked to admit, but I
couldnt exactly blame him, knowing how freaked out he had to be by the whole
thing.
Edward... His name rolled over my lips, so softly I doubted he had even heard it.
If he had, he made no sign of acknowledgment, and I did no attempt of speaking
again.
And then, after what seemed like an eternity, I could finally feel his tremors ease,
ever so slightly. When I just kept stroking his back, the other hand still entwined in
his hair, Edward let out a shuddering breath - the first real sound he had made
since I had embraced him - and collapsed against me, burying his face in the crook
of my neck.
My throat suddenly felt so tight, I didnt think I would have been able to speak,
even if I wanted to. Thankfully, right then, words seemed to be unnecessary. I
finally dared to tighten my grip around his still shivering body, no longer worried
about further alarming him, and tried to gather him even closer to me, all the while
struggling to keep my own emotions under control.
We sat like that for a long time before I finally managed to find my voice and utter
the only words that would mean anything in that moment. I wont let go, I
breathed into his ear, repeating my words from a few weeks ago; the first time I
had been able to coax him into taking my hand.
I hadnt expected any reaction from Edward, so I was completely stunned when he

actuallydid speak up - just one single word - his voice hoarse and sounding
muffled against my neck. Promise? It was the exact same response he had given
me back then, and it took just about every ounce of self control I had not to start
weeping with relief.
Uh-huh. I wanted to say more, but knew my voice wouldnt hold. So I just held
on to him, the lump in my throat only growing when I felt the wetness of his warm
tears against my skin. In that moment, I found the courage to believe that - in time
- maybe things would be okay after all.
But I wouldnt fool myself - we still had a long way to go before we would get
there. As we sat in silence, I found myself wondering how to move on from here.
Edward and I would have to talk eventually, but a part of me was afraid of
thinking about it too much. Right now, I could focus on just being there for him.
Luckily, that seemed to be all he needed for the moment.
Because I didnt think I was ready to deal with the rest of it. It was just too much,
and while I was finally able to grasp the concept of what Edward had been
through, I wouldnt allow myself to dwell on the details. The last thing he needed
now was for me to fall apart on him - I had to stay strong for both of us.
Edward had now gone completely limp in my arms, and if it hadnt been for his
somewhat uneven breathing and occasional quiet sniffling, I wouldve thought he
had drifted off to sleep. I had lost all track of time since we arrived at the meadow;
for all I knew, we could have been there for hours.
Then again, my cellphone had been quiet in my pocket so far, so at least Charlie
hadnt started worrying about me yet. I let out the breath I had been holding,
reluctantly deciding it was time to jump into action. Edward? I whispered,
softly.
He tensed up briefly, but remained silent. I pulled back ever so slightly, just so I
could see his face, and sighed when he stubbornly looked away. Hesitating a little,
I then cupped his cheek, forcing him to raise his head and meet my eyes. Im so
sorry, I murmured, gently brushing away his tears with my thumb.
His eyes darkened and he opened his mouth, but I went on before he could object,
I know its probably not what you want to hear, but I have to say it, because I am.
Im so sorry, Edward, for everything youve been through. Im sorry he hurt you
like that, and Im sorry it took so long before anyone was able to stop him. I
swallowed. And most of all, Im sorry he made you think you deserved it.
Bella, dont... Edward closed his eyes for a moment. I cant do this right now,

he mumbled in a defeated voice. You wouldnt understand. Fuck, I cant even

think straight.
Its okay. I traced my thumb gently down his cheekbone. We dont have to talk
about it now. Just remember that Im here for you. Whenever youre ready, just let
me know. I paused. Then you can make me understand.
He let out a bitter laugh. Dont know if thats even possible.
I bit my lip. Will you at least try? I promise to listen.
Watching me closely - as if to decide whether or not I was serious - Edward then
nodded, although somewhat hesitantly. Yeah, Ill try. A beat. Thank you.
Seeing how I frowned, he clarified, For, you know, being here.
Thank you for letting me. I looked him right in the eyes. He merely nodded in
response, and I could tell he still felt a bit awkward. It made me decide to change
the subject for now. Something just occurred to me, and I blushed. You know, if
youre not completely opposed to the idea, Id still like to call you... I inhaled,
...my boyfriend.
I had hoped my statement would get his mind off some of the darker stuff, and to
my relief, it seemed to be working. Edwards eyes shot to mine, and he gave me a
skeptical look, although I didnt miss the faint hint of hope that flashed across his
face. I shrugged, somewhat embarrassed. I kind of like the idea of everyone
knowing Im not... available, to anyone else.
His Adams apple bobbed slightly, and I watched as he reached out a trembling
hand, running it tenderly down my cheek. Bella, I cant be-
Shh, I interrupted, placing my own hand over his. Just be you. Thats all I want.
Id never ask you to do something youre not ready for. I just wanna be with you.
I silently prayed he would believe me, because I meant it, with all my heart. In that
moment, nothing seemed more important than for Edward to realize just how
serious I was. I mean it, I whispered.
He watched me in silence for the longest time, and then finally nodded, slowly.
Okay.
I almost started jumping up and down in pure joy, but somehow managed to
control myself, and settled for giving him a soft smile, which he tentatively
returned. Then he let out a shaky sigh, and rested his forehead against mine. I
slipped my arms back around him without even thinking, and for a brief moment,

everything was right in the world.

Unfortunately, it didnt take long for reality to come crashing back down. The
content smile died on my lips as my mind started wandering. Where would
Edward and I go from here? Now when he had finally decided to let his guard
down and let me in completely, would I be able to help him - not only to move on,
but to face what actually happened to him, and deal with it?
Because it didnt take a genius to figure out that he hadnt been dealing very well
so far.
A thought hit me, and I reluctantly pulled away a little, glancing at Edward.
Look, I was just wondering. Who else know about... I hesitated, not sure how to
express myself, ...about all of this?
Edwards expression changed, and he suddenly looked glum. I silently berated
myself for putting that haunted look back on his face, but it wasnt like I could
take my words back. And in all honesty; I didnt want to. I needed to know.
He was quiet for so long, I started to think he wouldnt answer. Then he let out a
sigh. Carlisle and Esme know.
I nodded in understanding, having already figured as much. Alice knows too,
right? And Emmett? I mean, you guys live in the same house, they couldnt
possibly... My voice trailed off as Edward averted his eyes.
Absently picking up a small rock from the ground, he shook his head. Just
Carlisle and Esme. A pause. And now you.
But... I couldnt hide my confusion, and it took a moment for my mind to
process this new information. How can they not know? Arent they wondering
why-
Edwards face hardened as he cut me off, a slight edge to his voice, I dont want
them to know, all right? Will you just fucking drop it? He must have seen my hurt
expression, because he immediately squeezed his eyes shut and pinched the bridge
of his nose. Look Bella, Im sorry for snapping like that. But I told you, Im not
ready to talk about it. And you said-
It was my turn to interrupt, and I lowered my eyes in shame. I know, Im sorry. I
didnt mean to push you. I just... I shrugged helplessly, not knowing what else to
say. Edward was right, of course. I realized I had to work on my patience, but that
was easier said than done. There was just so much I wanted to ask him, and at the

same time, I was afraid of the answers. It was all very unsettling.
I found myself wondering how much my father knew about all of this. But then I
pushed the thought to the back of my mind, deciding it didnt matter at the
moment. For Edwards sake, I would have to try and let the whole thing go for
now, because that was obviously what he wanted.
But to be perfectly honest, I seriously doubted I could do it. And I would most
certainly not be getting much sleep tonight.
*~*~*
EPOV
I knew I shouldnt lash out at Bella, but I just couldnt help myself. The cat was
out of the fucking bag, and my emotions were all over the place. A part of me
hadnt completely taken in the fact that Bella was still here; that she hadnt run
away screaming when she had finally learned the truth. But it slowly started to
dawn on me.
She really wasnt going anywhere.
I hadnt been lying when I told her I couldnt think straight - I still kind of felt like
my head was spinning. Everything had happened so fast. One moment, Bella and I
were having some quasi discussion about what she wanted to call me, and in the
next, my darkest secret was suddenly out in the open.
And she was still here.
She didnt judge me, nor did she find me repulsive. I knew I probably should have
felt some kind of relief, but the truth was, I was too shocked to feel anything at all.
When Bella had first wrapped her arms around me, I just froze; it was like a part
of me had stopped functioning, and I was unable to process what was happening.
But as the minutes passed, I slowly started to relax. And then she spoke - her face
being so close to mine that I could feel her breathing against my cheek - four little
words that changed everything and finally snapped me out of the daze. I wont let
go. She had told me those exact words once before, and I was finally starting to
understand that she meant it.

Up until now, I hadnt really dared to believe her. But as realization hit me, I could
feel the tension literally leave my body, and was - to my great horror - no longer
able to keep the fucking tears away. However, Bella didnt seem to think any less
of me for my sudden weakness. If anything, my pathetic emotional breakdown
only made her hold me tighter, as I struggled to get my emotions under control.
Of course, when she told me she still wanted me to be her boyfriend, I nearly
fucking wept all over again. It was safe to say that I was a fucking wreck.
And then I had to hurt Bellas feelings by acting like a jerk. Closing my eyes in
frustration, I quickly mumbled an apology, which she thankfully accepted. In fact,
she apologized as well, although instead of making me feel better, her remorseful
words had the opposite effect - I felt like a dick.
I forced back a sigh. Do you want me to take you home?
No, Bella responded immediately, which actually made me perk up a little. Then
she threw a look at her watch, and grimaced. But I guess its starting to get a little
late. I promised Charlie Id be back for dinner. He said he was going to cook
tonight, so I should probably be there to supervise. She rolled her eyes, and I
wasnt sure whether or not she was joking.
There was something I had been thinking about for quite some time, though.
How come youre always calling your dad Charlie?
Bella frowned. Um, because thats his name? It was my turn to roll my eyes, and
she gave me a sheepish little smile. I dont know, I always have. Not to his face,
though. Her smile faded. My mom on the other hand actually preferred it when I
called her Renee instead of Mom. Phil used to tease her and say she only liked
it because it made her feel younger.
She suddenly looked so sad that I felt a pang in my chest. Without thinking, I
reached out to take her hand in mine, squeezing it gently. My real mothers name
is Elizabeth, I offered, quietly.
Bellas eyes widened at my revelation, and I suppose I couldnt really blame her
for being shocked, seeing how I had never voluntarily shared any personal
information like that before. When I didnt say anything more, she tilted her head
to the side, hesitating a little before asking, softly, Will you tell me about her
some day?
I automatically opened my mouth to say no - as I had always done so far whenever
Bella would bring up my birth mother - but then stopped myself. Instead I just

shrugged. Some day, I mumbled in somewhat reluctant agreement. Of course, it

wasnt a conversation I was planning for us to have any time soon.
Bella was still mourning the loss of her mom. So how could I possibly tell her that
I wished my mother was dead as well?

Chapter 36
EPOV
Esme was standing in front of the stove when I entered the kitchen, and I glanced
at my watch, surprised when I realized how late it was. Hi, Edward. Dinner will
be ready in... she turned to look at me over her shoulder, and her face fell.
Whats wrong? she asked immediately, an alarmed note in her voice, and I
forced back a sigh.
Nothing. I avoided her eyes and walked past her, heading for the fridge in search
for something cold to drink. Hell, it didnt even have to be cold, as long as it was
drinkable. For some reason, my throat felt as dry as if had I been spending the last
couple of days wandering around the desert, and I had a feeling I was starting to
experience the aftermath of my earlier breakdown.
Dont ruin your appetite before dinner, Esme warned softly, although she still
had a somewhat worried look on her face. I could feel her eyes on me, even as I
was standing with my back towards her, and suppressed the urge to roll my eyes.
Just having a drink, I assured her sullenly as I grabbed a carton of milk, pleased
to notice it was almost full. Tilting my head back, I quickly gulped down half of
the contents at once. Then I put the carton back on the shelf with a contented sigh,
and closed the door to the fridge.
If I had expected Esme to drop the subject and turn her attention back to whatever
it was she had cooking on the stove, I was mistaken. Now will you please tell me
what happened? Are you okay?
I held back a groan, as I was really not in a mood for this. The truth was, I was
exhausted, and wanted nothing more than to just skip dinner and head straight for
bed. But I decided against it, knowing it would only add to her concern. Esme had
always been able to see right through me.

Im fine. Just been a long fucking day. A part of me just wanted to tell her to
back the hell off, but the emotional events of the day had left me feeling
completely drained of energy, and I was too tired to argue. With any luck, she
would take the hint and let it go. After all - she wasnt Alice.
Then again, Esme could be almost as persistent if she wanted to, and now, she
clearly decided to try a different tactic. Werent you out with Bella? I nodded,
somewhat reluctantly. How is she?
Shes... I stopped as an image of Bellas shocked, tearful face flashed before my
eyes. She had been quiet on the way back, although she had given me a soft smile
and squeezed my hand when I dropped her off at her house, less than an hour ago.
And she had hinted that she would like for us to spend some more time together
this weekend. I had no problem with that.
But I couldnt help but worry about what might be going on inside her head now,
when shed had some time to process the pieces of information I had given her.
While I knew Bella had it all mostly figured out by now, I had been deliberately
vague about the details, or to be more accurate - I hadnt really given her any
details at all.
In a way, it was almost a relief that Bella knew. Because it was absolutely
exhausting to be in constant fear of what her reaction would be when, or if, she
would ever happen to find out. Now I didnt have to worry about that anymore. In
fact, she had taken the whole thing way better than I had ever dared to hope she
would.
Of course, that didnt make the shame go away.
Edward? Esmes worried voice snapped me out of my thoughts, and I blinked in
confusion, having almost forgotten she was still in the room.
When my eyes turned to her in question, she gave me a remorseful look. I dont
mean to pry. I can tell you dont really want to talk to me. But you have to
understand; Im only asking because I care about you. I want to know whats
going on in your life. If somethings troubling you... she left the rest of the
sentence hanging, a pained expression on her face.
I felt really bad. Deep down, I realized she just meant well. And yet, my instinct
kept telling me to push her away. I knew Esme cared about me, and it made me
feel guilty for wishing she didnt. Closing my eyes for a moment, I then let out a
sigh. I talked to Bella, all right? About... I grimaced, looking down at my feet,
...my past.

Somehow, saying it out loud like that made it feel so much more real. I shivered.
Esmes sharp intake of air made me look up, and my eyes widened when I noticed
she seemed to be on the verge of tears. After a brief moments hesitation, she
turned off the stove and removed the large saucepan, putting it carefully down on
the sink. Oh, I see. How much did you tell her? Her voice was trembling,
slightly.
I struggled against the panic threatening to well up inside me. In that moment, I
really wished I hadnt brought it up. Because Esme was obviously getting
emotional already, and I didnt think I could handle any more fucking drama
today. I just wanted to crawl into my bed and sleep for a week.
Folding my arms protectively across my chest, I shrugged and looked away. Not
much, really. But she... I swallowed, ...she kind of figured the rest out by herself.
I mean, it wasnt like I had fucking planned to tell her, I just... I shrugged again,
not knowing how to go on.
Oh, Edward... Esme instinctively reached out a hand towards me, then seemed
to remember herself and quickly pulled it back. She took a deep breath. How...
how did she take it? I could tell by her hesitation that she was afraid of asking. Or
maybe she was more afraid of the answer.
She... I felt how my heart started beating faster, and the kitchen suddenly felt as
hot as a fucking sauna, making it hard for me to breathe. Struggling to pull some
air into my lungs, I squeezed my eyes shut and tried to focus on my breathing.
She doesnt hate me, I managed to get out as I opened my eyes again, feeling
like the whole room was spinning.
Hate you? Esme gasped, staring at me in shock. Of course Bella doesnt hate
you, why on earth would you think...? She stopped herself, hesitating a little
before she went on, somewhat nervously, Edward, sweetie, you need to calm
down, or youre going to pass out. Just breathe.
I am fucking breathing! I hissed, glaring at her. Id had plenty of panic attacks
before, and this one wasnt so bad. On a scale from one to ten, it might be a six or
a seven. But Esme had never been able to handle my humiliating episodes as well
as Carlisle; although she would always do her best to remain calm and supportive,
I could tell it was freaking her out every time.
It made me feel both annoyed and guilty at the same time.

All right, thats good. Youre doing fine. She paused. Ill get you some water.
Will you please sit down? I obeyed without a word, slowly walking over to the
table, and slumped down on the chair as Esme hurried over to the sink. She cast a
worried look at me over her shoulder. Are you feeling better? I just nodded, not
missing the relief on her face. A moment later, she put a large glass of water down
in front of me.
Mumbling a thanks, I picked up the glass and drank some of the water, more for
her sake than for my own. She watched me silently for a moment, then - obviously
deciding that I wouldnt fall apart completely - sat down across the table. When I
showed no sign of picking up our conversation where we left off, she finally spoke
up, quietly, Can you try to explain to me what you meant before? About Bella?
I sighed. It doesnt matter. You wouldnt understand.
Esme opened her mouth, and then closed it again. For a couple of seconds, she just
looked at me, an unreadable expression on her face. Maybe I would, if youd just
give me a chance, she finally said in a low voice, firmly holding my gaze.
Giving her a skeptical look, I then lowered my eyes. Dont feel like talking
anymore, I muttered, petulantly.
Okay. Fine. I could hear frustration in her voice, although she clearly tried to
hide it. Just tell me something, Edward. Do you even want me to understand what
youre going through? Did it ever occur to you that people are trying to help you?
Did it ever occur to you that maybe Im beyond fucking help? I threw back,
sarcastically. My head was starting to hurt, and it was all just becoming too much.
I wanted nothing more than to just get up and leave, but at the same time, I felt
like I didnt have enough energy left to move.
Thats just ridiculous, Esme stated, then shook her head, sadly. Edward, I think
its wonderful that you feel comfortable talking to Bella. Shes a lovely girl, and
its obvious that she cares about you, deeply. Dont you see? She would never hate
you. If anything, I bet she only respects you more now when youve opened up to
her.
I swallowed. But she should hate me. I dont know why she keeps putting up with
me. Im not... I closed my eyes, feeling the tears burning behind my eyelids.
Inhaling shakily, I went on, Youre right - Bella does care about me. Shes been
nothing but nice to me, and I keep screwing up. And now she knows Im... that I
was... and she just... shes not... A tear trickled down my cheek, and I furiously
wiped it away.

Shes not... what, sweetie? Esme asked in a soft voice.

Shes not leaving! I choked out, forcing back a sob. Apparently, I was still an
emotional wreck, and I hated it. I couldnt do anything about it, though. Shes not
leaving, I repeated, struggling to keep my voice from cracking, and I dont
understand why.
Esme was quiet for a moment. If I tell you what I think, will you listen? I
nodded and took a deep breath, trying to get my emotions under control. Well,
from what Ive seen so far, Bella is a kind, sweet and compassionate young girl.
But shes also strong and stubborn, and I dont mean that in a bad way. She knows
what she wants, and shes obviously very mature for her age.
I just looked at her and waited for her to go on, not sure where she was going with
all of this. When she spoke up again, I got the feeling she was choosing her words
very carefully, Its a funny thing about people. Sometimes when you meet a
person, you hit it off right away. Its all about chemistry. The feeling isnt always
mutual, but sometimes, everything just clicks.
She paused, allowing her words to sink in. Its not always an instant attraction,
though. And dont get me wrong - when I say attraction, I dont necessarily mean
it as between lovers. The same goes for friends. The point is, you see something in
this person, something special. And then, you just know.
I frowned. Know what?
Esme smiled. That you will be good for each other.
*~*~*
BPOV
Charlie was seated in the living room couch when I got home, watching TV with a
beer in his hand. Although when he spotted me, he quickly put the bottle down
with a somewhat guilty look on his face. Hey, Bells. I was just about to start
making dinner. A beat. Um, Im not sure what we have, though. What would you
like?
I rolled my eyes. So much for Charlie volunteering to cook for once. Thats okay,

Dad. Im not really hungry, anyway. Whatever you want is fine by me.
Oh. He thought about it for a moment. Maybe Ill just order pizza, then.
Managing a small smile, I nodded in agreement. You do that. Ill just head
upstairs. I turned to leave.
Wait a minute. I stopped with a sigh, looking at him over my shoulder. How
was your... He cleared his throat, apparently not comfortable uttering the word
date, and started over, Did you and Edward have a good time?
I hesitantly bit my lip. As always, Id enjoyed every second spent with Edward,
but I didnt think good was the right way to describe it this time. Although I had
done my best to push it all to the back of my mind on the way back from the
meadow, my head was reeling with the horrible revelation of what Edward had
been through. And I feared I wouldnt be able to keep it together much longer.
Sure, Dad, I mumbled, avoiding his eyes. It was great. Now if you dont mind,
Im going to lay down for a while. Im kinda tired.
He frowned, but - much to my relief - didnt object. All right. Ill let you know
when the pizza gets here. I just nodded, knowing I would not be eating anything
tonight. As I headed for the stairs, Charlie called me back for the second time,
Oh, Bella, before I forget. Phil called while you were away. I told him youd get
back to him.
I closed my eyes for a moment, holding back a groan. This was just about the last
thing I needed at the moment. Because I knew what was coming. Ill give him a
call tomorrow, I sighed, giving Charlie a look to indicate it was the end of the
discussion. There was just no way I would deal with Phil tonight, on top of
everything else.
Charlie nodded in acceptance. Okay. Then he turned his attention back to the
TV, and I was finally able to retreat to the merciful quiet of my room.
However, once upstairs, it didnt take long for me to find the silence I had desired
so much to be more of a curse than a blessing. Because I was no longer able to
keep the disturbing thoughts away. I kept seeing Edwards haunted face, the raw
pain in his eyes.
You should be fucking disgusted.
I swallowed hard as the sound of his tortured voice filled my head, the words

causing my heart to ache and my eyes to well up. At the time, my priority had
been to comfort him, to just let him know I was there for him and wanted to ease
his pain. But now when I was all alone, the horrifying truth was finally sinking in.
And it was killing me.
Hit by a sudden wave of simultaneous exhaustion and anguish, I slid down on the
floor, wrapping my arms tightly around myself and burying my face in my knees.
Then I finally allowed the tears to fall. I cried for Edward, for the horrors he had
been forced to endure, the pain he had suffered, both physically and mentally. And
I cried for the injustice of it all.
Edward had been sexually abused, and that by a man who should have been a
substitute for his father. A man who should have cared for him, supported him, and
treated him like a son. A man who instead had taken advantage of a vulnerable,
impressionable child, and hurt him in the worst possible way.
Nausea welled up inside me, and I was just barely able to reach for the waste
basket - luckily standing only a few feet away - before outright emptying the
contents of my stomach. Gasping and sobbing, I used my sleeve to wipe my
mouth, too far gone in my misery to be grossed out.
What struck me as most upsetting was the fact that Edward obviously blamed
himself for the whole thing. I didnt know whether or not that was common in
similar situations, as I was not the least bit familiar with the tragic subject of child
abuse in any form, but then again, I figured it didnt matter. Because it was just
plain wrong.
I wanted to rant and scream and curse at the cruel, sadistic bastard who had hurt
my Edward so badly. James. That was his name. For some reason, just hearing the
name in my head made me see red. As I recalled Edward telling me James had
been shot by the police and was now in a coma, I wished I had a way of finding
out exactly where he was.
Because in that moment, I would have happily pulled the plug, without hesitation.
My blind hatred for this man almost frightened me, as I had never before loathed
another human being so much, especially not someone I had never met. I didnt
even know what he looked like, and yet, I wanted him dead. A part of me realized
it was probably not healthy to let myself become so consumed by rage, and that I
should instead focus on helping Edward.
But I just couldnt help myself. And besides, right now, it was a lot easier to deal

with my anger, than with the grief and despair lingering just beneath the surface,
threatening to overcome me. Taking a couple of deep breaths, I shook my head to
clear my frenzied thoughts, and pushed the waste basket away with a grimace.
Slowly pulling myself up from the floor, I cringed at the sour taste in my mouth,
but was too emotionally worn out to leave my room and head for the bathroom so
I could rinse my mouth with water. Instead I all but crawled over to the bed, where
I curled up in a fetal position and pulled a blanket over my shivering body. Then I
closed my eyes, wishing I would - by some miracle - fall asleep.

Chapter 37
BPOV
I woke up the next morning feeling even more tired than before I went to bed. No
real surprise there, seeing how I hadnt gotten much sleep during the night. No
nightmares, at least not that I could remember, but I had been tossing and turning
most of the night, unable to relax and find a comfortable position. And my mind
had kept wandering.
Edward had been in my thoughts constantly since he dropped me off outside my
house yesterday. I kept wondering what he was doing, if he was okay, and I had
nearly called him about a dozen times, just to check on him. But in the end, I had
decided against it, as I figured he could probably need some time and space.
And to be perfectly honest, I needed some time as well, to process everything. So
instead of calling, I had settled for sending him a text message, just telling him I
hoped he was all right and that Id see him soon. I had also added that he could
call me anytime he wanted to - which he already knew, but I felt it was worth
repeating. And then I had waited for his response.
It never came.
I had kept my phone in the bed - next to my pillow - just so I wouldnt miss
Edwards reply. But the damn thing had remained silent throughout the night.
Needless to say, I was in a miserable mood. Why wouldnt he respond? Didnt he
realize I was worried about him?
It was still early - merely seven-thirty in the morning, and it was Sunday - but I
couldnt bring myself to stay in bed another minute. So I dragged myself up and

out of my room, and headed for the bathroom, hoping a long, hot shower would
make me feel better. I almost called Edward then, but figured he was probably
sleeping. And either way, he obviously didnt want to talk to me.
Yes, I realized I was being irrational. Edward had probably just turned off his
phone last night. He must have been every bit as worn out and exhausted as I was,
if not more. Things had been intense, to say the very least. I just hoped that was
the case, and that he wasnt avoiding me because he was ashamed or anything.
The thought of Edward pushing me away again was almost too painful to bear.
While the shower was nice, it didnt do much to improve my mood. And things
just seemed to go downhill from there. On my way out of the bathroom, I
managed to stumble on the threshold and stub my toe. After limping back into my
room, I started to get dressed, only to find that my favorite pair of jeans had gotten
a hole in them.
I angrily tossed them away and stomped over to the dresser in search for
something else to wear. Ten minutes later, I entered the kitchen, and almost walked
right into Charlie, who was busy packing his fishing bag. He looked up, frowning
when he saw my grim expression. Morning, Bells. Woke up on the wrong side
today?
Just tired, I muttered, failing to stifle a yawn. Didnt sleep very well. Seeing
the concerned look on his face, I quickly changed the subject, Going fishing,
huh?
He nodded. Ill probably be away most of the day. Will you be okay by
yourself?
I suppressed the urge to roll my eyes, what was I - twelve? Of course.
Good. He sounded relieved, and I couldnt help but wonder what he had
expected me to do. Throw myself on the floor and beg him to stay? Realizing I
sounded bitter, even in my head, I took a deep breath and silently counted to five.
Then I put on a strained smile. Charlie closed the bag and put on his fishing hat,
looking so silly I had to smile for real. Well, Im leaving. Oh, and dont forget to
call Phil.
My smile disappeared.
Five minutes after Charlie had left, I was still standing on the same spot, in the
same position, considering my options. Unfortunately, I came up blank. I realized I

should just make the call and get it over with. A part of me felt a bit bad, knowing
Phil had to be looking forward to hearing from me. After all, I had barely talked to
him since I moved here, aside from an occasional email.
We had been pretty close once, and I knew he was probably missing me a lot. In a
way, I missed him as well. And yet, I dreaded making this phone call.
After debating with myself for another couple of minutes, I finally told myself to
stop being such a baby, and picked up the phone. I nearly laughed when I noticed
how my fingers were trembling, but somehow managed to dial the number. The
signals went through, and I found myself hoping he wouldnt be home.
Of course, I wasnt that lucky.
Hello?
I immediately recognized Phils voice, and struggled to sound cheerful. Hi, Phil.
Its Bella.
Bella! He sounded genuinely happy to hear it was me, and I instantly felt guilty
for not calling him more often. After all, he was all alone now. Its so good to
hear from you. How are you?
Im okay. Hesitating a little, I then asked, How are you? My voice sounded
polite, toopolite, and I cringed, hoping he wouldnt notice. There was a time when
I had been able to talk to Phil about almost everything, and now, it just felt
awkward and forced.
He was quiet for a moment. Honestly, the last couple of months have been tough,
but I dont have to tell you that.
No, you really dont, I thought, closing my eyes for a moment. An image of my
moms smiling face flashed through my mind, and I snapped my eyes open again,
biting my tongue to keep from letting out a sob. God, how I missed her. This was
the reason why I avoided talking to Phil these days. He reminded me too much of
when my mother had still been alive.
I could hear him clear his throat. So, hows school up in Forks? Kids treating you
well?
Sure. I was relieved - it seemed to be a safe enough subject. Ive made some
really great friends.

Thats good. Im glad. A pause. Listen, Bella, how would you feel about
coming home to Phoenix next weekend? Its been so long, I was hoping we could
spend some time together.
I suppressed a sigh, knowing this would come up. My home is in Forks now,
Phil, I told him quietly, avoiding his question.
Oh. Of course. I didnt mean it like... He hesitated. Bella, Im just asking you
to come for a visit. I miss you, kiddo.
Well... I bit my lip. Im sorry, but Ive already made plans for the next
weekend. Before he could object, I went on, Actually, I have a lot going on right
now. Its not really a good time. I paused. Maybe I could come down a couple of
days when schools out for the summer. Then we can-
Phil cut me off, Bella, Im selling the house. Ill be moving out by the end of next
month. So if you want to-
What?! It was my turn to interrupt. What are you talking about, Phil? You cant
sell Moms house!
Bella... He suddenly sounded very tired. Dont take this the wrong way, but
you chose to leave. Now, I understand why, and I dont blame you. But Im asking
you to put yourself in my situation. Its hard, living alone with all the memories.
Theres just nothing left for me here. I need to move on, just like you.
But... I couldnt believe what I was hearing. The house in Phoenix was where I
grew up. I still had some of my stuff there. Not that I wanted to live there
anymore, not after what happened, but it felt good to know I could go back some
day if I really wanted to. Losing the house would be like losing a part of myself.
Or losing the last connection to my mom. I let out a shuddering breath, feeling a
headache coming up. Luckily, I had a spare bottle of painkillers down here. There
were times when it made me feel like a pathetic addict, but right now, it was a
blessing. Phil, please dont do this.
I have to. He was starting to sound annoyed, which surprised me. Phil barely
ever raised his voice. He was patience personified - a necessary quality when
dealing with Renee. They had been perfect for each other. His words theres
nothing left for me here suddenly tore at my heart, because I realized he was right.
My mom had been his world. And now he had nothing.
Still, I couldnt accept his decision. I knew I was being selfish, but I couldnt help

myself. Just give it some time, I all but pleaded. I mean, youve got friends in
Phoenix, right. Youre not alone. Just wait a couple of months, and-
Ive already waited long enough. I could tell by the sound of his voice that his
mind was already made up, and it scared me. Phil continued, Im sorry, Bella, but
its happening. Im selling the house. If you want to see it one more time, and get
whats left of your belongings, then I suggest you make some room in your
schedule pretty soon.
You asshole! I exploded, unable to keep the fury from welling up inside me. I
hate you, Phil! How can you do this to me, and to Mom! She loved that house.
She... A sob escaped my throat, and I couldnt go on.
Bella, Im not doing this to hurt you. Listen to me... Phil sounded totally
shocked by my outburst, and I couldnt blame him; I had never spoken to him this
way before. But it was just becoming too much. I had been in a bad place even
before talking to him, and his news had somehow become the last straw.
Phil was still talking, rapidly, on the other end - without doubt trying to calm me
down - but I didnt want to hear anymore. So I disconnected the call without a
word, and angrily threw the phone away from me. It started ringing almost
immediately, but I ignored it, knowing it was Phil calling me back. Id most likely
call him later and apologize, but right now, I desperately needed to get out of the
house.
Before I lost it completely.
Five minutes later, I was driving my truck through town, raindrops falling on the
windshield. Somehow, the weather seemed to be linked with my mood, and I
wanted to cry more than ever. I briefly considered calling Edward, really wanting
to hear his voice, but I didnt want to bother him with my petty problems. God
knew he had more than enough to deal with already.
I rarely allowed myself to think too much about what happened to my mother. It
was just too painful. I preferred to remember the good parts, not dwelling on what
her face had looked like when... Shaking my head, I struggled to clear my
thoughts. Not going there.
It suddenly hit me that I had somehow ended up outside the Cullens' large house,
despite my intentions to give Edward some space. Hesitating for a couple of
minutes, I then turned off the engine and jumped out of the truck, deciding I could
always hang out with Alice if she was home. And why wouldnt she be? It was not
even nine oclock yet.

Who was I kidding? It was Edward I wanted to be with right now, not Alice. I took
a deep breath, and rang the doorbell.
I didnt have to wait long before the door swung open, and Emmett was standing
in the doorway with a frown on his face. When he saw it was me, he gave me a
tentative grin. Morning, Bella. Here to scold me?
Blinking in confusion, I shook my head. Why would I...? Then I stopped as it
occurred to me that the few times Emmett and I had actually been having a
conversation, I had mostly been giving him a hard time about Edward. I blushed,
recalling my accusations about him not caring about his brother. Look, Emmett,
I-
Relax, Bella, Im just messing with you. He chuckled. Wanna come in?
Sure, thanks. He took a step back, allowing me to enter, and I stepped inside.
Um, is Edward or Alice around? I kind of need to talk to someone.
Emmett raised a brow. You telling me Im not good enough?
My eyes widened in horror, and I hurried to stutter an apology. I-Im sorry, I
didnt mean... My voice trailed off as I noticed his amused expression apparently, he was still messing with me. I tried to smile, but it felt strained.
Holding back a sigh, I realized I was definitely off balance this morning, and
decided to do my best to stay cool from now on.
Bella! I spun around at the sound of Alices excited voice, watching as she came
bouncing down the stairs with a huge smile on her face.
She rushed over to me and threw her arms around me. Unfortunately, the friendly
gesture was all it took for my resolve to crumble. My bottom lip started trembling,
although I forced myself to put on a brave smile. Im sorry to just show up like
this, I didnt mean to impose. I-I can leave if you want.
Alices smile disappeared, and her face turned concerned. Bella, whats wrong?
Nothing, really, I mumbled, realizing by the skeptical look on her face that she
didnt believe me, and sighed. Im just having a really bad day.
The days barely started, Alice pointed out, giving me a sympathetic smile.
I rolled my eyes. Dont remind me. I just want it to be over, so I can curl up in

my bed and sleep for a year.

Aw, Bella... Emmett walked up to me and patted my shoulder a few times,
leaned in and whispered - not too discreetly, Its that time of the month, isnt it?
Emmett! Alice shouted, glaring at her brother. My God, were you raised in a
barn? You cant just go around asking girls if theyre PMS-ing! Then she glanced
at me. Its nothing to be ashamed of, Bella. You know what always works for me?
Yoga! I have this book up in my room...
I couldnt help it - it was just so ridiculous - I burst out laughing. At least it started
out as laughter. But soon, much to my horror, I realized I was crying. And what
was even worse - I couldnt seem to stop. Alice and Emmett immediately became
silent, staring at me in shock.
I think shes losing it, Emmett mumbled to Alice.
Shut up! Alice hissed, taking a hesitant step towards me. Bella, Emmetts an
ass; dont listen to him. I think Mom dropped him on his head when he was a
baby. It would explain a lot.
Hey! Emmett protested, clearly not pleased with the insult.
Now I was laughing and sobbing at the same time. Emmett was starting to look
very nervous, and I couldnt blame him. In fact, I half expected him to run out of
the room, waving his arms in the air and screaming in terror about crazy, hysterical
women. The mental picture made me sink to the floor, howling with laughter.
Okay, this is getting creepy, even for me, I heard Alice mutter somewhere above
my head. Emmett, go get Edward.
I sobered up immediately at the mention of Edwards name. No, no, no, not
Edward! You shouldnt bother him. He doesnt want to talk to me. I texted him last
night, and he never... he never... The floodgates opened again, and new tears
spilled down my cheeks. God, I really was losing it. I felt beyond embarrassed.
Bella, come on. Alice tugged gently at my arm, pulling me to my feet and all but
dragging me over to the couch. I sniffled pathetically as I slumped back against the
cushions. She sat down next to me. Talk to me. Whats this all about?
I let out a groan. God, I feel so stupid. You must think Im an idiot.
Of course not. Alice shook her head, firmly. But Bella, Im kind of worried

right now. What the hell happened?

Before I got the chance to respond - and I didnt even know where to begin Edward came rushing down the stairs, Emmett in tow. Bella? There was a hint
of panic in his voice. Whats wrong? He came to a halt a few feet away,
obviously not sure whether or not to come any closer.
My heart skipped a beat at the sight of Edward. His hair was toussled, like he was
coming straight from bed. I even thought I saw pillow marks on his face. Yet he
looked absolutely gorgeous, as always. And here I was, with red-rimmed eyes,
blotchy cheeks and a snotty nose. I had never felt less attractive in my life. In that
moment, I wished the floor would just open up and swallow me.
Bella? he repeated, somewhat uncertainly, and I realized he had asked me a
question - which I had yet to answer. Too bad my brain wasnt fully functioning at
the moment.
Im okay, I mumbled, feeling even more humiliated by the minute. Im just
making a fool of myself. Again.
Alices eyes narrowed. Bella, youre not okay. You were crying a moment ago,
and I wanna know whats going on. Please, just tell me... Her voice trailed off as
Edward suddenly stepped forward, stopped right in front of me, and held out his
hand without a word.
At first, I just looked at him in confusion. He tilted his head to the side, then
nodded towards the stairs and raised a brow in a silent question. Finally snapping
out of it, I took Edwards hand and allowed him to pull me up from the couch. He
led me across the living room and up the stairs, leaving Alice and Emmett to stare
after us.

Chapter 38
EPOV
Amazingly enough, for once, I had slept peacefully throughout the night. I could
barely remember the last time that happened. Although I probably would have
been able to sleep even longer, had it not been for the sudden rapid and loud
banging on my door, causing me to wake up with a start.

I jumped up, startled, looking around the room in confusion. My eyes landed on
the alarm clock, and I realized it was still early in the morning. The knocking just
continued, and I reluctantly dragged myself out of bed, stumbled towards the door
and flung it open.
My eyes narrowed when I found Emmett on the other side. The fact that he had
actually helped me out with Bella the other day was the only reason I didnt slam
the door in his face and went straight back to bed. Instead I greeted him with a
grumpy, What the fuck do you want?!
His mouth opened, then closed again, and I could tell by the look on his face that
he was itching to give me some snarky response in return. But he clearly decided
against it, and went straight to business, Bellas here. She seems pretty upset.
My irritation of being woken up instantly vanished. What? What happened?
Panic started welling up inside me as numerous thoughts flew through my mind.
Was Bella hurt? Was she upset because of me? Had she decided it was all too
much for her, that I wasnt worth the bother after all, and had come here to end
things before it went too far?
Emmett shrugged, oblivious to my sudden agitation. No idea. You should go easy
on her, though. I figured that was his way of nicely telling me not to be an ass to
Bella, and it made me angry. As if I would. However, his next words shook me to
the core, She was a blubbering mess when I left. I think even Alice was startled.
Bella was crying? I all but lunged for the door, only to stop as Emmett quickly
stepped in front of me, preventing me from leaving the room. Before I got the
chance to yell at him to get the hell out of my way, he rolled his eyes and crossed
his arms over his chest. Might wanna change into something a bit more
appropriate first. Just a suggestion.
My eyes widened and my cheeks flushed with embarrassment as I realized I was
still wearing the T-shirt and boxers I had been sleeping in - and nothing else.
Fuck, I muttered and spun around, hurried over to the closet and grabbed the
first thing I spotted. Quickly pulling on a pair of jeans, I then rushed out of the
room and headed for the stairs, ignoring Emmetts annoying chuckle as he
followed behind me.
I found Bella sitting on the couch, next to Alice, and I instinctively started towards
her, only to stop at a safe distance, suddenly fearing that she wouldnt want me to
come closer. Bella? Whats wrong? She turned her head to look at me, and the
sight of her tear-stained face made my heart ache.

When she didnt answer, just stared at me with an unreadable expression on her
face, I started to feel really uncomfortable, and it didnt exactly help to have Alice
and Emmett in the same room. I could feel their eyes on me, and a part of me
wanted to just turn around and run back upstairs.
But somehow, I managed to remain where I was. Bella? I asked again, holding
my breath as I silently hoped she would respond this time. She was obviously
hurting, whether or not I was the reason for her tears, and I just wanted to make
her pain go away. I just didnt know how.
Im okay, she whispered, although she wouldnt meet my eyes. I wasnt stupid; I
knew she was lying. But I wasnt about to confront her, at least not in front of a
fucking audience.
Before I could say anything - and I had no idea what - Alice spoke up, Bella,
youre not okay. You were crying a moment ago, and I wanna know whats going
on. Please, just tell me...
I didnt even think as I walked up to Bella, interrupting Alice in the middle of the
sentence, and wordlessly offered Bella my hand. She blinked, clearly surprised,
but I refused to back down. Instead, I just nodded towards the stairs in question,
praying she would understand my intention.
Maybe I was wrong. Maybe I was making a mistake. But all of the sudden, I got
the feeling Bella felt just as awkward being the center of attention as I did. And
maybe, just maybe, she would feel more comfortable if it was just the two of us. I
knew I would. So I held my breath, and waited for her reaction.
It felt like an eternity passed, when in reality, it couldnt have been more than a
few seconds before Bella accepted my hand, her fingers tightly grasping mine. She
didnt object as I pulled her to her feet, and I found myself wondering if she had
felt the same familiar tingling sensation I did, the moment our fingers made
contact.
Bella silently followed me up the stairs. Once we were inside my room, I closed
the door behind us without a word. Then I glanced at her, and realized she was
watching me intently. Unable to avert my eyes, I raised my hand, and hesitantly
placed my palm against her cheek. Please, talk to me, I all but pleaded. If I did
something...
She immediately shook her head. Its not you, she assured me, her hand flying
up to catch mine before I could pull away, and gently held it in place. That feels
good, she murmured in explanation, blushing a little. I like it when you touch

me like that.
I swallowed hard. More than anything, I wanted to tell Bella just how much I
enjoyed the feeling of her flawless skin against my fingers, but for some reason,
the words got stuck in my throat. So I simply nodded in understanding, closing my
eyes as she ran her thumb over my knuckles, and just relished the moment.
Edward... Bella breathed, and my eyes instantly snapped open. Our faces were
now mere inches apart, and I found myself staring at her mouth, suddenly almost
hypnotized by her soft lips as I couldnt help but wonder how it would feel, should
she just take one step closer and brush them against mine. I subconsciously leaned
in towards her.
Then I snapped out of it, my eyes widening as I realized what I was doing, and
quickly took a step back as panic started to set in. Im sorry, I whispered
hoarsely, not missing Bellas confused - and somewhat hurt - expression as I
started to back away. Bella, I-
Dont, she mumbled with a slight shake of her head. Dont apologize.
The spell was broken, and I didnt know whether to be relieved or disappointed. I
silently watched Bella step past me and over to the bed, where she sat down after a
brief moments hesitation. Then she looked up at me. I texted you last night. I just
wanted to see if you were okay. You know, after... She left the rest of the sentence
hanging, clearly knowing she didnt have to finish. I knew what she meant.
My eyes immediately went to my phone, still on the small nightstand where I had
left it before I went to bed. I, uh, turned it off when I got home. Sorry.
Yeah, I figured. She shrugged, giving me a sheepish smile. Actually, I got all
paranoid, thinking you were avoiding me.
Oh. I really didnt know how to respond to that.
Were you? Bellas cheeks flushed. I mean, I know you just said you turned
your phone off, but... She self-consciously lowered her eyes.
I hadnt been avoiding her, at least not deliberately. No, I wasnt, I told her
sincerely.
Good. She sounded relieved, although she kept her head downcast. I dont want
you to avoid me. A beat. Ever.

I-I wont, I mumbled, not completely certain it was a promise I would be able to
keep, but nonetheless wanting to assure her. She raised her head then, and I could
tell by the look on her face that it had been the right thing to say. Taking a deep
breath, I decided to change the subject. So, um, you wanna tell me what
happened downstairs?
Oh. She grimaced. Youll probably think its stupid.
I shook my head. I seriously doubt it. Try me.
Letting out a sigh, Bella nodded in agreement. She kicked off her shoes and pulled
up her feet, tucking them beneath her. Then she glanced at me. You can sit down
if you want, you know. Theres plenty of room.
Um, sure. Hesitating a little, I walked over to the bed and sat down next to her,
not so close that our bodies were touching, but close enough for me to take her
hand. Then I gave her an expectant look.
She bit her lip. I talked to Phil on the phone. He told me hes planning on selling
the house in Phoenix.
I waited for her to continue. When she didnt, I raised a brow in question. Okay.
And... thats a bad thing?
I dont know. I guess not. Bella sighed again. It makes sense, I suppose. I
mean, my mom died in that house. I couldnt stand the thought of living there
anymore, and I guess I shouldnt blame Phil for feeling the same way. Its just
that... she looked at me, a pained expression on her face, I grew up there, you
know. Its more than just a house. It was my home for seventeen years.
Finally realization hit me. Thankfully, Bella only had happy memories of her
childhood. She didnt have any nightmares about her old room, because unlike me,
she had never been hiding under the covers listening for the familiar sound of
footsteps, praying in vain that just this once, they wouldnt stop outside the door.
Unlike me, Bella never had to fear going to bed because of what was about to
come.
That house meant something positive to her. It reminded her of good times, when
her mother had still been alive, when she had been a part of a loving and caring
family. When she had been happy.
I felt a pang in my chest. No matter how badly I wanted to tell Bella that it would
be okay, that I understood how she felt, I couldnt. Because I didnt understand. I

didnt know what it was like to grow up in a home where you didnt have to be
afraid all the time, and I didnt know what it was like to mourn a loving parent,
because Id never had one.
Bella, on the other hand, obviously did know what that was like, because she used
to have a good home and a mother who cared about her, and she had lost both.
And now she was looking at me with those sad, brown eyes, silently begging me
to do something - anything - to make it better.
That was when it hit me. Bella knew about my past. She knew about what James
had done to me, and it didnt change the way she was looking at me, or how she
felt about me. She was still here, wanting to be around me. Right now, she was
hurting, though. And it was my turn to be there for her for a change.
Acting on a sudden impulse, I reached out and gently started rubbing her back, just
like she had done to me so many times. It always made me feel better, and Bella
had told me she liked it when I touched her, so I hoped it might bring her some
comfort as well. It was the only thing I could think of, and I prayed it would work,
because I just couldnt bear the thought of my Bella being in pain.
She immediately leaned into my touch, her body practically melting against mine
as she snuggled closer, and I instinctively raised my arms and wrapped them
around her. A moment later, I felt Bellas arms gently slip around my neck. Letting
out a content sigh, she then rested her head on my shoulder.
I froze, but not because it was making me uncomfortable. In fact, quite the
opposite. Bellas warm body was pressed against mine, giving me a strange, yet
not unpleasant feeling inside. I couldnt explain it - nor did I completely
understand it - but somehow, it just felt right.
Bella shifted in my arms, and I panicked, suddenly afraid she was about to pull
away. I didnt want to let go, so instead I tightened my grip around her, burying
my nose in her hair and inhaling her sweet scent. Bella smelled like strawberries
and vanilla, and while I felt pretty silly for sniffing her hair, I just couldnt help
myself. Just like her touch, Bellas smell had become an addiction to me.
Youre like my personal brand of heroin, I mumbled without thinking. Then my
eyes widened in horror as I realized I had spoken the words out loud. However, I
relaxed a little when I felt Bella smile against my shoulder. At least she wasnt sad
anymore. And it didnt seem like she was in a hurry to get away from me, either.
This is nice, she admitted softly, her fingers playing tenderly with the short hair
at the back of my neck. I like being this close to you. Then it was her turn to

freeze, and she buried her face in my shoulder, clearly embarrassed by her
confession.
I didnt want her to feel awkward, because I felt the same way. It scared me a little,
but at the same time, I was strangely fascinated. For as long as I could remember, I
had dreaded any kind of physical contact; the thought of it as a pleasant experience
had never even existed in my world.
But that was before Bella had entered my life, changing everything I thought I
knew. Bella, who knew about my past, and was now my girlfriend. I still had a
hard time taking it all in. Never in my wildest dreams had I thought the day would
come when I would be cuddling with a girl, on my bed, and enjoying every
moment of it.
Somehow, I felt lighter, like a huge weight had lifted from my shoulders. I pulled
back a little, just so I could look at her. Bella raised her head, and I could see the
question in her eyes. She actually pouted a little, clearly not pleased that I had
moved. Whats wrong? she asked, an alarmed note in her voice.
Nothing. Once again, I found myself utterly fascinated by her lips. I felt Bellas
eyes on me, sensing her confusion, and realized I was staring shamelessly, but I
just couldnt seem to stop. She was so close, and I felt myself drawn to her like a
moth to a flame. I just wanna try something, I whispered, my eyes never leaving
her lips as I once again leaned towards her.
I heard Bella inhale shakily, understanding obviously dawning on her, and she
became completely still. Her lips parted slightly, but other than that, she didnt
move. Instead she just watched me with a longing, almost adoring expression on
her face. That was when I knew I wouldnt pull back this time.
Raising a trembling hand to gently cup Bellas cheek, I then closed my eyes, and
pressed my lips against hers. She let out a soft moan, and I nearly sobbed, because
it just felt so good, so fucking right, like my entire life had been leading up to this
very moment, and everything suddenly made sense.
That was, until I felt Bellas tongue against my lips, tentatively seeking access into
my mouth. I tensed up, struggling desperately against the repulsion threatening to
well up inside me. All of the sudden, I was no longer in my bedroom in Forks - I
was nearly two thousand miles away, hearing James voice in my head as clearly
had he been right there next to me.
Open up, boy. Take it in your mouth. Do it!

I must have made some kind of sound, or maybe Bella just felt how my posture
stiffened, because she immediately withdrew her tongue. Instead she just brushed
her lips against mine, one last time, and then pulled back, only to press her cheek
gently against mine before I got the chance to fret over the loss of contact.
Her fingers found their way to my hair, and I instantly relaxed, feeling how a wave
of calmness came over me. But then I started to become angry. I finally had
something good in my life, and Id be damned if I was going to let that son of a
bitch destroy it. So I took a deep breath, and pushed all disturbing thoughts to the
back of my mind.
Taking comfort in Bellas soothing presence, I braced myself before crashing my
lips against hers again, willing them to part. I could feel her hesitation, but also
sensed her desire to keep going. Finally she gave in, and I took the opportunity
and slid my tongue into her mouth.
Once the shock had worn off, I found myself intrigued, eagerly exploring Bellas
tongue with my own. A small whimper escaped her and she tugged gently at my
hair, hungrily responding to the kiss. That was when it occurred to me. I was
actually kissing a girl. No, scratch that; I wasnt just kissing a girl.
I was kissing Bella. And I never wanted to stop.

Chapter 39
BPOV
The week after our first kiss went by in a blink, at least thats how it felt to me. If
Edward and I had been spending a lot of time together before, we were now next
to inseparable. We hung out almost every day after school, either at my house or at
his. And sometimes we would go to the meadow, where we could just lie together
in the grass for hours.
No one else knew about us coming there every once in a while, though. Edward
and I had never really discussed it, but it went without saying. The meadow was
our special place.
After Edward had initiated that first kiss, it was like a barrier had been broken.
Suddenly he could just spontaneously reach out and wrap his arms around me, or
lean in and give me a peck on the cheek. It started to hit me just how starved for

physical contact he really was - once he seemed to have overcome at least some of
his fears, it was like he just couldnt get enough.
Not that I would ever complain, of course. I couldnt get enough of him, either.
Even though he clearly enjoyed kissing me, I could tell he was fully content just
holding me, touching my face or stroking my hair. More than once during the
week, we had ended up snuggling on the couch - or on the bed. It was all
completely innocent - never once had Edwards hands found their way under my
clothes - and yet, I got just as excited and tingly every time.
While I sometimes dreamed of Edward taking our relationship to the next level
and touching me in more... intimate places, I knew better than to share my
fantasies with him. I wasnt about to put any pressure on him; after everything he
had been through, it was a miracle we had even come this far. I would happily
accept whatever he was ready to give me.
Besides, just walking next to Edward through the corridors at school, with his arm
resting casually around my shoulders, made me feel like the luckiest girl in the
world. People would stare at us, though, and while I couldnt care less, it was
obvious that Edward wasnt comfortable with the attention. Still, he wouldnt
move away from my side, which only made my love and respect for him grow
even stronger.
Although I mainly hung out with Edward whenever I visited the Cullens, I would
always try to spend some time with Alice as well. She had become one of my
closest friends, and I didnt want to let the fact that I was now dating her brother
come between us. She didnt seem to mind, though. Like she once told me, she
had been thrilled when she found out Edward and I had finally put a label on our
relationship.
Alice wasnt the only one who was pleased Edward and I had come out as
boyfriend and girlfriend. I hadnt been around when Esme and Carlisle found out,
so I didnt know whether Edward had actually said something to them himself, or
if they had heard about it from Alice, but the next time I came over, Esme had
greeted me with a warm hug, tearfully telling me how happy she was for both of
us.
Carlisle had been slightly more laid-back about the whole thing, but it was more
than obvious to me that he was really glad as well. Although I hated myself for
even thinking it, a part of me couldnt help but wonder if they had just come to
accept the idea of Edward staying withdrawn and isolating himself from the rest of
the world, simply taking his social issues for granted.

The thought made me want to cry, because the more I got to know Edward, the
more I realized just how badly he truly needed love and compassion, no matter
how much he had denied himself any kind of affection in the past, most likely
because he didnt consider himself to be worthy of it.
I would gladly spend the rest of my life trying to make him see how horribly
wrong that was. If anyone deserved true love and happiness, it was Edward. And I
wanted nothing more than to be the one to give it all to him. I just needed to be
very patient - the last thing I wanted was to make him feel overwhelmed.
The truth was, my feelings for Edward were so strong, it almost frightened me.
What if it didnt work out in the end? How would I survive? How would either of
us survive without the other? I felt sick just thinking about it. I realized we were
still young, and technically hadnt known each other that long, but I couldnt even
imagine not spending the rest of my life with Edward.
He was it for me. I was now a hundred percent sure I would never want anyone
else. I just hadnt found the courage to tell Edward how I really felt about him. I
kept telling myself it was too soon, that I would let him know when the time was
right. But deep down, I suppose I was just terrified of rejection.
However, one day, when Edward and I were sitting at our regular picnic table
outside of the school building, finishing the last of the chicken salad and home
made bread I had brought us for lunch, something happened that changed
everything.
Edward was having one of his better days, smiling and talking more than usual - as
long as it was just the two of us - and more than once during the lunch period, I
had caught him looking at me when he didnt think I would notice. My curiosity
got the best of me, and I finally couldnt stay quiet any longer. You seem happy
today. Any particular reason?
His relaxed posture changed and he instantly lowered his eyes, almost as if he felt
guilty for being in a good mood. Absurd as the thought may seem, I knew I
probably wasnt too far off. Sometimes, I almost thought I had figured out how his
mind worked and what to expect from him, but then he would say or do something
that reminded me just how damaged he really was. And my heart broke all over
again.
Brainwashed. That was the first term that came to my mind. The mere thought
made me shudder, but I didnt know how else to describe Edward. That bastard James - had really done a number on him. And I was starting to realize the

physical abuse - as horrible and sickening as it may be - was only the tip of the
iceberg.
A part of me didnt want to know any details about the horrors hed had to endure
during the years living with his mother and stepfather in Chicago. And it wasnt
like Edward would willingly bring it up. For obvious reasons, he didnt like to talk
about his past, even though he rarely lashed out at me these days. Instead he would
just close up like a clam, thankfully not very often, but it still happened.
And when it did, I knew better than to push him. Most of the times.
Now he shrugged, stabbing a small piece of chicken with his plastic fork. No. I
just looked at him, waiting for him to go on. He sighed. I dont know what you
want me to say, Bella. Being with you makes me happy. Thats all. Nothing special
happened.
I gave him a small smile, putting my hand on top of his. Well, being with you
makes mehappy, so that works out just fine.
His face softened. I like it when youre happy. A pause. Makes me feel a bit
less like an ass for making you put up with my shit. Seriously, I dont know how
you do it.
My smile faded. Edward, I dont want you to talk like that. I dont like when
youre referring to yourself as some kind of a burden. You must know by now
thats not how I think of you at all. I just wish... I stopped with a sigh, not even
sure what I was trying to say. Or maybe I did - I just didnt know how to express
myself so he would understand.
He kept putting himself down, and I hated it. If I could just get him to see himself
the way I saw him; making him realize what an amazing person he really was.
Sadly, it hadnt taken me long to figure out that under the anger and hard facade,
Edward completely lacked any kind of self-esteem. That was just another thing
James had taken from him.
Well, maybe you think too highly of me, then, he muttered, his words only
confirming what I had just been thinking. Look, Bella, I know you dont want to
hear this, but Im fucking broken. Thats not going to change, just because you
dont want it to be true. I wish I could be a better person for you, because you
deserve nothing but the best, and thatll never be me.
My eyes instantly welled up, and I opened my mouth to object, but he went on,
quietly, Every once in a while, I forget, though. You make me forget how fucked

up I really am; even if its just for a moment, you make it hurt less. Fuck, Bella,
you deserve so much more than this. I know I should probably let you go, but I
cant. Im weak, I admit it. I-
Stop it! I cried, horrified. You cant say things like that to me, ever! Dont talk
about letting me go. You cant leave me, Edward. I couldnt bear it. I... It would
kill me. Dont you get it? I cant even... I realized I was babbling, but I just
couldnt stop the panic from welling up inside me at his words.
Bella? Edward stared at me, clearly taken aback by my outburst. He looked a
little startled, and I couldnt really blame him. But the thought of him walking out
on me for my own good was just too frightening and painful for me to handle. I
didnt care how pathetic and desperate it made me seem; I would do just about
anything to prevent that from happening.
It would kill me, I repeated, unable to keep my voice from cracking, because
Im in love with you.
*~*~*
EPOV
I stared blankly at Bella, hearing what she was saying, but unable to take the
words in. Things had been just fine, and then I had to ruin it by blurting out shit I
knew would upset her. The thought of not being with Bella anymore scared the
hell out of me, but I kept thinking it was all too good to be true; that I just had her
in my life on borrowed time.
Sooner or later, she would snap out of it and decide to move on to someone better,
someone who was actually worthy of her. Someone who wasnt broken.
I hated feeling this way. More than anything, I wished I could just tell the voice in
my head to shut the fuck up, and be content with what I had. Not that I didnt
appreciate every single moment spent with Bella, but deep down, I couldnt help
but feel guilty for making her waste her time on me.
Im in love with you.
No.

No, no, no, no, no. I started shaking my head in denial. You dont know what
youre talking about, I mumbled, jumping to my feet. Pulling my hand away from
hers made me feel like I had just been stabbed in the chest - it physically hurt - but
I didnt have any choice.
If I thought the loss of contact had been painful, it was nothing compared to how I
felt when I saw the crushed look on Bellas face. Her bottom lip started trembling,
and her eyes were glistening with un-shed tears. Edward, just listen to me, she
pleaded. I know how I feel. Im not trying to push you into something youre not
ready for; I just need you to know. Its okay if you dont feel the same way.
Okay?! I failed to hold back a snort. How can you say that? How the fuck can
it be okay?
Bella opened her mouth, but I didnt give her a chance to respond. I knew her well
enough by now to realize she wouldnt lie to me; she obviously believed in her
words. She actually thought she loved me. It was so fucking wrong, on so many
levels. No matter how good she made me feel, I should never have let things go
this far. She could fool herself, but she couldnt fool me.
She couldnt love me. No one could love me. I was fucking unlovable. I wanted to
explain it to her, to make her see what a huge mistake she was making by sticking
around and torturing herself this way. But no words would come. Instead I did the
only thing I could think of in that moment.
I turned around and ran.
OoO
I barely remember driving home, but somehow, I found myself leaving my car in
the driveway and heading for the front door. Having expected to find the house
empty - after all, it was barely past noon - I was startled when the door suddenly
opened as I reached for the handle, and I almost ran straight into Carlisle. What
are you doing here? I demanded. Shouldnt you be at the hospital?
He frowned, not missing my hostility, but quickly recovered. And you should be
at school now, if Im not mistaken. Care to tell me what you are doing home at this
hour?
I just looked at him, at a loss for how to respond. He got me there. A part of me
wanted to snap at him, but I just couldnt find it in me to argue, so I blurted out the

first thing that came to me, Please, dont make me go back there today.
Carlisle looked a little taken aback. He hesitated, then asked in a concerned voice,
What happened?
What do you think? I glared at him. I fucked things up, as usual. Isnt that what
I always do? Tears were burning in my eyes, but I flat out refused to break down
and bawl like a fucking baby. It was easier to just focus on the anger bubbling up
inside me.
Unfortunately, Carlisle wasnt fooled. Ignoring my statement, he let out a sigh.
All right, you dont have to go back to school today. Ill take care of it. But dont
even think about locking yourself up in your room. You are coming with me into
my office, and we will talk about this. Is that clear?
I nodded in defeat, not wanting to talk, but knowing there was no getting around it.
So I simply followed him inside. Once we were in his office, Carlisle gestured for
me to sit down, but I stubbornly remained standing close to the door. He looked as
if he was about to say something about it, but clearly decided against it. Instead he
quietly repeated his question from before, So, what happened?
I told you. I rolled my eyes. I fucked up. He just looked at me, expectantly,
and I knew he was waiting for me to elaborate. I didnt want to, but I could tell he
wouldnt just let it go. So I sighed and strode across the room, feeling too agitated
to just stand still.
Edward... Carlisle started, and I could see the conflict in his eyes. I dont mean
to make assumptions, so forgive me if Im out of line. But did you get into a fight
again? Will I be getting another call from the principal? In that case, Id rather you
just tell me now. I will not get angry, Im just trying to understand.
Shaking my head in the negative, I carefully watched his face to catch his reaction.
I figured he would be relieved, but I couldnt quite read his expression. Its
Bella, I admitted in a barely audible voice.
Carlisle nodded in understanding. Did you two have an argument?
I shrugged, thinking I hadnt really stayed long enough for it to turn into an
argument. Despair threatened to overwhelm me when I recalled the hurt look on
Bellas face, and I didnt even want to know what she was thinking about me in
this moment. Surely she hated me. She... I stopped, choking on the words. She
said shes in love with me.

Oh. He was quiet for a moment, and then, Oh, I see. And how do you feel
about her?
Whats that have to do with anything? I stared at him in exasperation, feeling
how my heart started beating faster. Dont you get it? Shes wrong! She cant
love me. Im not-
He held up a hand to stop me. Edward, listen to me. Just take a deep breath. He
waited for me to obey. Then he went on, Now Id like you to explain to me what
you mean. Why would you say your feelings dont have anything to do with it?
Because Im pretty sure Bella would disagree.
I gave him an incredulous look. But shes wrong! I repeated, desperately trying
to make him see my point. Shes under some fucking delusion that she loves me,
and thats just... I mean, I dont even know what the fuck that means!
Carlisles eyes widened, and he got a stunned look on his face. Edward...
I continued in a flat voice, not giving him a chance to finish, People dont fucking
love me, Carlisle.
He opened his mouth, then closed it again. When he finally spoke, his voice was
strained, like he was in pain. Im so sorry, son. I didnt realize... He closed his
eyes for a moment. When he opened them again, I was shocked to see a tear find
its way down his cheek. Ive failed you.

Chapter 40
EPOV
My eyes narrowed in confusion, but I remained silent. Carlisles words - and even
more so, his reaction - had taken me by surprise. Honestly, I had no idea what he
was talking about, because he had always been good to me. Better than I deserved.
So what was he so upset about? He clearly didnt understand me, but that was
hardly his fault.
Hell, most of the time, I didnt even understand myself.
Taking a deep breath, Carlisle then walked across the room and slumped down on
the couch. It took almost a minute before he finally spoke up, asking quietly, Is

that really how you feel? That... he exhaled, shakily, people dont love you?
I looked at him blankly, feeling very uncomfortable with the subject. You dont
have to feel bad, I mumbled. Its not your fault. Its me. Im just... I searched
my brain for the right word, wrong.
What? Carlisle stared at me in shock. No, Edward, thats not true. Theres
nothing wrong with you.
I let out a bitter laugh and started pacing the room. Of course theres something
wrong with me! I fucking hurt people, Carlisle. I hurt Bella because I cant say the
words back, like a normal person would. You dont think I realize how fucked up I
am? I want to be good for Bella, but I cant. She keeps saying that Im not bad, but
I am. Shes always crying because of me, and I cant-
Edward, Carlisle interrupted my ramblings and stood up, his face ashen. He took
a step towards me. Listen to me, he said in a low, trembling voice. There is
nothing wrong with you. Its... Shaking his head sadly, he went on after a brief
moments hesitation, Its the rest of the world thats wrong, Edward. Twisted. A
pause. Fucked up.
Hearing the term I would use on a daily basis when referring to myself - out loud
or just in my head - coming out of Carlisles mouth caused me to frown. He
continued, his voice suddenly dark, Theres no other way to describe it. The
world is one twisted place when it allows such evil and cruelty. Im talking about
the cruelty of man. What some are capable of.
I shook my head, my fists clenching tightly. I dont wanna hear this.
I know you dont. Carlisle sighed. But you need to. You need to understand
that, sometimes, bad things happen to good people. Its not fair, and its not right. I
know its hard to accept, but unfortunately, thats the way life is.
No... Realizing I had backed up against the wall, I struggled to keep the panic
away. I had to remind myself that I wasnt trapped; that I could leave the room
whenever I wanted. But for some reason, my feet wouldnt move.
Im sorry. Carlisle looked me right in the eyes. I wish I could go back and
change the way Ive handled things, but I cant. I wanted you to have a better life,
to be able to make peace with your past and move on. He swallowed. Edward, to
me, you are my son. Not by blood, but in any other way that matters. And Im so
sorry Ive failed to show you that I love you.

Dont fucking say that! I glared at him, feeling my throat tighten. I dont want
you to say that. I dont want you to love me. Dont fucking love me! He inhaled
sharply, and I could see the pain in his eyes. For some reason, that only fueled my
anger. My eyes were stinging, and I felt a desperate urge to run - just like I had run
away from Bella - but I knew it was pointless.
It just wasnt possible to escape from your own mind.
Love is unconditional, Edward, Carlisle stated in a broken voice. You cant tell
a person not to love. Just like you cant tell someone not to feel happy, or sad, or
angry. You just do. Either you feel it, or you dont.
Yeah, well, I dont! I shouted, looking wildly around the room. My eyes landed
on a small flowerpot, standing on a pedestal a few feet away, and before I even
realized I had moved, I sent it flying into the opposite wall with a crash, causing
the ceramic pot to break in a million pieces.
I wanted to keep destroying things, finding the shattering sound strangely
satisfying, but there was nothing else in reach, so instead I let out a roar and
slammed my fist into the wall as hard as I could. I was able to repeat the action
several times before Carlisle gently but firmly grabbed hold of my arm and pulled
me back. Stop it, he demanded softly, keeping my arm in a firm grip. Youll
hurt yourself.
Get off me! I hissed and instinctively jumped backwards, only to find myself
trapped in the corner.
Your mother doesnt want me to mark you. But I will if I have to. Its up to you.
Stay where you are, and dont move. Dont speak unless I say you can. Do you
understand? James sounded calm, although I didnt miss the threatening note in
his voice. So I just nodded, which seemed to please him. Good. Now, we can do
this the easy way, or the hard way. A pause. Turn around and face the wall.
My eyes widened in horror. I knew he would get angry if I didnt immediately obey,
but I couldnt bring myself to move. Because I knew what was coming. He had
been keeping the black leather belt half hidden behind his back, but I had seen it.
And I knew he had wanted me to see it. He seemed to enjoy watching me tremble
in fear. Now his jaw clenched and his eyes narrowed in anger, and I realized I had
hesitated too long. James pulled back his fist and took a step towards me...
The memories came crashing over me, and I instantly forgot where I was. Letting
out an anguished moan, I squeezed my eyes shut and raised my arms to cover my
face. Pure panic welled up inside me as I slid down on the floor, my entire body

shaking.
Edward, its okay, Im sorry. I-I wont touch you again. Im sorry, Carlisle
stuttered frantically, his voice sounding close to me, and I blinked in confusion,
my breaths coming out in uneven gasps. When I raised my head and looked up, I
realized he was crouching down next to me, concern and self-loathing evident on
his face. The latter was a feeling I was familiar with.
Im fine, I croaked, humiliation and shame welling over me as I was slowly
starting to calm down. It was a lie, though - I was far from being fine. I felt weak
and pathetic, and I just wanted to be left alone. No, that wasnt entirely true. I
wanted Bella. She always made me feel better, made me feel safe.
But Bella wasnt here. I had left her, pushed her away. Rejected her. And most
likely lost her. Bella was far better off without me, something I had known all
along. For her sake, I should just stay away from her. But the mere thought made
me feel like I was dying. I failed to hold back a choked sob.
Its okay, Carlisle repeated from his position next to me on the floor. They are
just memories. Memories can be frightening, but they cant really hurt you.
I know that, I choked out. Thats not... I stopped as another broken sob
escaped me. I was just so fucking tired. In fact, I wasnt just tired; I felt utterly
defeated. Carlisle was sitting close to me, and normally, I wouldve scrambled
away, or told him to back off. But I suddenly couldnt even find the energy to care.
Besides, I didnt feel threatened by his presence. Sure, I had panicked when he
touched me, but deep down, I knew he wouldnt hurt me. It had just been my mind
playing tricks on me, confusing me. I was used to it by now; it wasnt the first time
that happened. Carlisle was not the enemy here. I was the one who couldnt
function like a normal person.
Bella didnt seem to care, though. She had seen me at my worst, and yet she
wanted to be with me. Until I screwed up and ran off, that was. I pressed my fists
against my closed eyelids, but it didnt stop the fucking tears from flowing.
Carlisle had been silent for a moment, but now he spoke up, quietly, Tell me
something, Edward. Bella can obviously touch you. How does that make you
feel?
My eyes snapped open and I removed my hands, giving him a bewildered look.
When he just calmly met my eyes, I wiped at my face and shook my head, trying
to clear my thoughts. Why do you...? I mean, I-I dont know.

Then think, Carlisle prompted. I want you to think of Bella, holding your hand.
Does it bother you? I frowned, not understanding where he was going with this,
and shook my head. He nodded in acceptance. Then how does it feel?
I dont know. I shrugged, awkwardly. Good. Like I want... Then I stopped
myself, embarrassed.
Like you want... what? Carlisle encouraged, clearly not about to drop the
subject.
I sighed, looking away. Like I want her to keep touching me. Whats your point?
Ignoring my question, he went on, What about when you look at her? When she
smiles at you? How do you feel?
Whats with the twenty fucking questions? I felt both uncomfortable and
annoyed. But at the same time, it was like I had lost the will and energy to argue. I
rolled my eyes, thinking for a moment before responding, Grateful. I paused.
Happy.
Carlisle nodded in understanding. And when shes not around?
My bottom lip quivered as I was brought back to the painful reality, reminded of
the fact that Bella was indeed not around. It fucking hurts, I whispered, hoarsely.
His eyes were sympathetic. It might not seem that way to you right now, but Id
say that is a very good sign.
OoO
BPOV
Empty. That was how I felt. I had been crying since the moment I closed the door
behind me and collapsed on my bed, crying until there didnt seem to be any more
tears left, and now I just felt empty. Hollow. Like someone had carved me out
from the inside, leaving a huge hole in my chest. Or just ripped my heart right out
of my body.
Never before had I been so utterly miserable.

I had done the one thing I had told myself - over and over again - that I wouldnt
do. Despite my silent promise to be patient, I had pushed Edward too far, scared
him away by declaring my love to him, forcing my feelings on him when he so
obviously wasnt ready. And now I had ruined everything.
Possibly lost him forever.
Thinking back now, I didnt understand how I could have been so stupid. But in
my defense, I hadnt been thinking straight. Edward had been talking about letting
me go, hinting that I was better off without him, and I had just panicked. Because I
couldnt stand the idea of losing him. And now I had. The irony of it all wasnt lost
on me.
The despair I had felt only moments ago was starting to submit to anger. Not at
Edward, though - none of this was his fault. I was angry at myself, and even more
so, at the situation. It just wasnt fair. No matter what I did, it wasnt enough. I just
wanted Edward to realize how much he meant to me, how much I cared about
him.
He was only seventeen years old, and had already lived through more horror than
anyone should have to endure over a lifetime. It was only natural that it had left
him scarred and emotionally damaged, but I simply refused to believe there was
no hope for him to heal, even if he seemed to have given up on himself.
Maybe Edward didnt need a girlfriend after all, maybe all he needed was a friend.
Someone who would just be there for him, without any pressure. He had been
reluctant to the whole relationship thing from the beginning, but I had kept
insisting. If I had just left things the way they were, then we both probably
wouldve been a lot happier right now.
Although a persistent little voice in my head kept whispering that I didnt want to
settle for just being friends. I wanted more. But then again, if Edward couldnt
handle it, I would rather just be his friend than not having him in my life at all.
A part of me wanted to get in my truck and go to him, because surely, Edward had
to be just as lonely and upset as I was right now. But I firmly told myself to stay
where I was, to give him some time and space. This time, I would not chase after
him. If Edward wanted to see me, he would just have to come to me.
But what if he wouldnt? What if he would start avoiding me now at school? Was
it really over? I honestly didnt know. And it hurt, just to think about it. Another
flood of tears welled up in my eyes and spilled down my face. How could I
possibly go to school tomorrow - or ever again - if Edward wouldnt want to be

with me anymore?
Now would be a really good time to go back to Phoenix and visit Phil for a while.
I wondered if Charlie would mind if I missed a couple of days from school. Who
was I kidding? He would never let me go, at least not in the middle of the week.
Maybe I could just pretend to be sick tomorrow, then he would have no choice but
to let me stay at home. But then I had to spend the entire day by myself, thinking.
It really was a no-win situation.
The shrill sound of my cell phone snapped me out of my thoughts, causing me to
jump a mile, and my heart started beating wildly. Could it be Edward? Did I want
it to be Edward? That was a stupid question. Of course I wanted it to be him. I
made a beeline for the phone, casting a hopeful look at the display.
It was Alice. My heart sank and I took a deep breath before answering, trying to
sound cheerful - or at least sound like I hadnt spent the last couple of hours
bawling my eyes out. Hi, Alice. Whats up?
Bella! She sounded relieved. Are you okay?
Of course Im okay. Okay, that sounded false, even to my ears. I grimaced, not
sure why I was lying to her. Actually, Ive been better, I admitted in a small
voice.
She didnt respond right away, and when she finally spoke up, she didnt sound
like the Alice I knew. Do you want some company? I can come over if you
want.
I couldnt help but wonder what had transpired at the Cullen house this afternoon.
How much did Alice know? Had Edward said anything to her? While I wanted to
ask, I found myself hesitating, not sure I really wanted to hear the answer. Instead
I sighed. Actually, I was just about to start making dinner. And I have a lot of
homework. But thanks for asking.
Bella... Alice started, then stopped. She was quiet for a moment. Just promise
me you wont do anything stupid.
I frowned. Like what?
I dont know. She sounded uncertain. Like running away to Arizona. My eyes
widened, and I found it a bit creepy that she obviously knew me so well. After all,
the thought had occurred to me.

But deep down, I knew I wouldnt be going anywhere. At least not without talking
to Edward first. Im not going to run away, Alice. Why would you think that?
Okay, thats good. She ignored my question. Listen, why dont you come over
Friday night? We can have another sleep-over. What do you say?
I closed my eyes for a moment. Alice, I dont think-
She cut me off, But Bella, I really want to hang out with you. Rose is not coming
here anymore, either. I miss having my friends over.
Right, Rosalie and Emmett had decided to take a break. I wasnt sure why, and I
didnt feel comfortable asking. In all honesty, I didnt really care. After Rosalies
cruel words about Edward a couple of weeks ago, I could barely stand to look at
her. I wondered if Alice felt the same way. And Emmett. Could that be the reason
they had broken up? I didnt know what to think.
Suddenly, I felt a bit bad for Alice. Look, why dont you just come here Friday
night instead? We can have a sleep-over at my house. Im sure Charlie wont
mind.
She squealed so loudly, I had to hold the phone away from my ear. Really? Are
you sure? Oh Bella, were gonna have so much fun!
Yeah, itll be great. I had to smile at her enthusiasm. We talked for a few more
minutes, until I heard Charlie call my name from downstairs. Listen, Alice, Ive
got to go. Ill see you tomorrow, okay?
Sure. Alice hesitated for a moment. Bella? I waited for her to continue. Dont
give up on him.
My breath got stuck in my throat, and I felt like crying all over again. I didnt trust
my voice to hold, but spoke anyway, Is he okay?
It felt like an eternity passed before she answered, quietly, I dont think so.
I bit my tongue to keep from bursting into tears. Is he there?
No, was her only reply. I could tell that she wanted to say more, but something
clearly held her back.
I sighed. Bye, Alice.

After hanging up, I slowly made my way downstairs. Charlie met me at the bottom
of the stairs, a frown on his face. What took you so long? I called for you almost
five minutes ago.
I was on the phone, Dad. I rolled my eyes, unable to hide my irritation. You
couldve just started with the dinner by yourself, you know? I mean, sooner or
later, youre going to have to learn how to cook. I realized I was taking my
frustration out on him, but I just couldnt help myself.
Actually... Charlie cast a look over his shoulder. Someones here to see you.

Chapter 41
BPOV
My jaw dropped when Charlie took a step to the side, and I found myself staring
into a pair of haunted, yet painfully beautiful, emerald eyes.
Edward, I gasped, for a moment wondering if I was dreaming. But when my dad
awkwardly cleared his throat and announced that he was going into the kitchen to
give us some privacy, panic started to set in.
Edward was here. But why? Had he come to apologize? To talk? Or just to end
things, once and for all? The mere thought sent shivers down my spine, causing
me to shudder.
Bella. His voice sounded hollow, and he suddenly wouldnt meet my eyes,
which only added to my apprehension. Can we talk?
I swallowed hard, but nodded. Okay. Hesitating a little, I then motioned for the
stairs. We can go up to my room. Edward followed me upstairs without a word,
and my fear only grew with each step. By the time we reached my room, I was
almost in tears.
Wanna sit down, or...? I bit my lip, gesturing for the bed. Edward glanced at me,
and I got a chance to fully take in his appearance. His face was almost ghostly
pale, and his eyes red-rimmed, like he had been crying. I wanted nothing more
than to just throw myself in his arms, holding him close and beg him to never
leave me again, but I didnt dare. Instead I asked, quietly, Are you okay?

He let out a bitter laugh, lowering his eyes to the floor. No, he mumbled,
shaking his head. Then he looked up, and the pain in his eyes nearly made me
weep. Are you okay? he whispered, watching me intently.
I shook my head, seeing no reason to lie. No, Im not.
He was quiet for a moment, and I could see how his Adams apple bobbed slightly.
When he finally spoke, his voice was barely audible. Im sorry, Bella.
No... My voice cracked, and a tear trickled down my cheek. I quickly wiped it
away. Edward, Im sorry. It was my fault. But you have to believe me, I never
meant to make you feel uncomfortable, or... I just... I stopped, not knowing how
to go on.
Its not your fault. Edward sounded exasperated, and his eyes narrowed. Are
you crying?
No. I sniffled.
He closed his eyes, briefly. Bella, I mean it. Its me, all right? I-
Dont! I cut him off before he could finish. Dont you dare say youre bad, or
fucked up. Its not true. I dont wanna hear it.
Sighing, Edward looked me right in the eyes. I have issues, Bella.
I blinked, a little taken aback by his sudden bluntness, but couldnt help but think
it was the understatement of the year. Again, none of it his fault. Yes, Edward, I
know.
He watched me silently, then slowly made his way over to the bed and sat down.
After a brief moment of hesitation, I moved to join him, although I made sure to
leave some distance between us. Not because I wanted to, but because I didnt
know what to expect from him. I pulled up my feet and tucked them beneath me,
folding my hands in my lap.
For almost a minute, we just sat there in silence. Then he spoke up, quietly, I
understand if you dont want to... he inhaled, shakily, be with me anymore.
What? My head snapped up, and I stared at him, terrified of getting my hopes
up. Arent you here to break up with me?

He swallowed. Is that what you want?

No! I all but yelled, sitting straight up on the bed. My fingers itched to reach out
to him, but I forced myself to remain still. Instead I took a deep breath. Edward, I
meant what I said before. But if you want us to go back to just being friends, I
can... Ill... I discovered that couldnt finish. Telling Edward that I was okay with
us being just friends would be a lie. And I never wanted to lie to him.
I would settle for being friends if it was the only way I got to keep Edward in my
life. But I wouldnt be okay with it. Not even close. And it made me feel like a
selfish bitch for wanting more from him than he was ready to give me. But I
couldnt help it. I couldnt just stop loving him.
Bella, Im not good for you. I could tell that he was on the verge of tears, and it
made my heart ache. I know you dont want to hear it, but its true. I dont want
to hurt you, but lets face it, thats all Im capable of.
You do hurt me. I felt anger welling up inside me - again, not at him, but at the
cruel bastard who made him feel that way. It wasnt Edwards fault that he
couldnt see himself as the amazing person he really was. I gave him a pleading
look, praying against hope that I would get through to him. Because I didnt know
what else to do.
I went on, You hurt me when youre telling me youre not good enough. When
youre talking about letting me go. I paused. But what hurts the most is
watching you suffer like this, and not being able to help you. Its breaking my
heart, Edward. Not to mention that it scares the hell out of me when you cant see
that hes the one responsible for all of this. I couldnt bring myself to say the
name.
Edward squeezed his eyes shut. Bella, please, dont-
No, just listen to me, I cut him off, determined for him to hear me out. When he
remained silent, making no attempts of objecting, I continued, Look me in the
eyes, and tell me you dont have any feelings for me. That you dont want us to be
in a relationship. Forget about what you think I need, or deserve. Just tell me what
you want.
As I heard the words coming out of my mouth, I realized this was not the way I
had planned for this conversation to turn out. I was going to back off, give Edward
some space, if thats what he needed. But instead I was pushing him, again. Still,
deep down, I couldnt help but think it was necessary. Because neither of us could
go on like this.

He watched me with large, fearful eyes, suddenly looking more vulnerable than I
had ever seen him before. I want to be with you, he finally whispered.
Letting out the breath I had been holding, I nearly sobbed with relief. And I want
to be with you, I told him in a shaky voice. Theres nothing in the world I want
more. This time I did reach out for him, my hand grasping his and holding it
tightly.
Edward tensed up, but he didnt pull away, and I instantly knew it wasnt the
physical contact that was the problem. Something else was bothering him. I waited
patiently for him to come to terms with his insecurities, and share his thoughts
with me. Im scared, he finally admitted in a small voice, keeping his head
down.
So am I, I whispered, wishing he would just look at me. To my surprise - and
relief - he did. Im scared, too. But only of losing you. I bit my lip. What are
you scared of? He didnt respond, just lowered his eyes to our interlocked hands.
I swallowed. Edward? Why do you think you dont deserve anything good in
your life?
He opened his mouth, then closed it again. Instead of answering, he just shrugged,
and I knew the words because Im bad were itching to come out. While a part of
me was beyond grateful he didnt actually say it - because it made me sick to my
stomach every time he referred to himself that way - the fact that he was even
thinking it in the first place made my heart crumble all over again.
Damn you, James, I thought, bitterly - and not for the first time - wondering if that
heartless monster had been aware of what damage he had caused. Did he even
care? I seriously doubted it, and it made me furious. What kind of man would
willingly hurt an innocent child in such a horrible way?
And what kind of woman would willingly stay married to someone who would
repeatedly hurt her son? I found myself wondering about Edwards birth mother.
Elizabeth. He had never said much about her, and I could tell it was a sensitive
subject. Not that I could blame him, though. But that didnt stop my curiosity.
Now I glanced at Edward, who had yet to look up again. There was something
distant about his slumped posture, and I couldnt help but wonder if he was still
with me. Or was he once again trapped in his own world of endless horrors? The
thought chilled me to the bones, and I gave his hand a soft squeeze, praying for
some kind of reaction.

He jumped slightly, proving that my assumption had been correct. I ran my fingers
soothingly up and down his arm, and he visibly relaxed. While it felt good to know
that my presence always had such a calming effect on him, it made me sad to think
about how he so desperately needed it in the first place.
Well figure it out, I assured him, pleased to notice how he immediately leaned
into my touch. Maybe I hadnt completely ruined things after all. The thought gave
me hope, and I continued, softly, Well just take things real slow, okay? One day
at the time. I promise not to... I mean... I blushed. Look, about what I said? I
didnt expect you to say it back. Its enough that you want to be with me.
Edward turned his head away, mumbling something I couldnt make out. I
frowned. Edward?
He sighed. You wanna know what Im scared of? This. I hear what youre saying,
and I believe that you think its enough, but it shouldnt have to be. He paused,
and when he went on, his voice was flat, robotic. Dead. I dont know if I can ever
say the words back, Bella. Because Im not sure Im capable of feeling it.
I blinked, feeling like I had just been punched in the stomach. You dont think
you can ever love me?
He shook his head, staring out into the distance. I dont think I can ever love,
period. Because I dont know what thats like. A beat. Dont think I have it in
me. Im sorry.
I didnt think I had any more tears left, but now I felt how my eyes started stinging
again. Dont say that, I pleaded, putting my hand gently on his cheek. I dont
believe thats true, Edward. It cant be. Because youre the kindest, most loving
person I have ever met. I looked deeply into his eyes, silently begging him to
believe me.
Bella... His bottom lip started trembling, and I could see how hard he struggled
to keep his emotions under control. It was downright painful to watch, and I just
wanted to hug him close and never let go. Instead I just kept tenderly stroking his
face, and when the tears finally started spilling down his cheeks, it didnt take long
before mine were falling as well.
Not even thinking, I tugged at Edwards hand in a desperate attempt to get him
closer to me. He didnt object as I pulled him into my arms and wrapped myself
around him. A moment later, his arms slipped around my waist, and he rested his
head against mine. I shifted slightly, just so I could brush my lips softly against his
temple, before tightening my grip around him and pressing my cheek against his.

I felt him shaking in my arms, and knew he was crying, although he didnt make
any sound. But I could feel the wetness of his tears on my skin, as well as the
warm air of his uneven breathing against my neck. I ran one hand slowly up and
down his back, while the other was buried in his untidy, yet incredibly soft hair.
Its okay, I murmured, feeling somewhat guilty for enjoying the sensation of
Edwards strong arms around me, when it was obvious that all he needed from me
in that moment was my comfort. But I couldnt help it - it just felt so good. Well
be okay, I continued, softly. Youll see.
His only response was to cling to me tighter. For almost an hour, we sat like that,
close together on my bed with our arms wrapped around each other, silently crying
and rocking slightly back and forth. Im pretty sure I heard my door open at one
point, and realized Charlie must have come to check on us, but I never looked up,
and in the next moment the door closed again, only this time leaving a small crack
open.
Charlie never said a word, though, and for that, I was beyond grateful. I made a
silent note to thank him later for being so understanding.
When Edward finally pulled back a little, I immediately felt a small pang of loss,
wishing we could just stay like that forever. However, I forced the regret away,
and gave him a tentative smile. Are you okay? Then I cringed at the croaking
sound of my voice.
He nodded, wiping at his eyes. Sorry, he mumbled, his voice equally as hoarse
as mine.
I frowned. For what? He just shrugged, and I waited for him to explain. When
he didnt, I sighed. Just please dont run away from me again.
Looking at me in silence, as if trying to figure out what I was thinking, Edward
then nodded his head in agreement. I wont. I felt relief welling up inside me at
his words.
You know... I started hesitantly, unable to keep myself from scanning his face.
Even puffy and bloodshot, Edwards eyes were beautiful. I shook my head in a
weak attempt of clearing my thoughts, and went on, I was really miserable before
you got here. Im not anymore, though. Thank you.
For a moment, I could see that familiar haunted expression flash across his face,
and I knew he was berating himself for causing me pain. My heart sank as I

wondered if he would ever be able to just accept what people were saying to him
without analyzing every little word into pieces, until he would find something to
blame himself for.
It was safe to say that we still had a long way to go. Well, at least we were going
together. After all, he had just promised not to run again. And that was a promise I
fully intended to hold him to. Because now I knew that he wanted to stay, that he
wanted to be with me. And Id be damned if I was going to let his fears and
insecurities come between us again.
Thankfully, Edwards moment of doubt and self-loathing seemed to pass quickly,
and he even managed a small smile. Im glad youre feeling better, he told me
quietly, tucking a single strand of hair behind my ear. I dont ever want you to be
miserable. I know I... He stopped himself, and I realized he had been about to say
something negative about himself, something he knew I wouldnt want to hear.
I had to suppress a sigh. He was obviously trying for me, and while I knew I
should be grateful, I couldnt help but wish that he would just have the will and
strength to do it for himself, and not just to please me. A thought suddenly hit me.
Edward? Can I ask you something?
He gave me a somewhat wary look, but nodded. Sure.
Well, I was just wondering... I bit my lip, nervously. Have you ever talked to
someone about... about what happened to you? I mean, someone... professional?
His eyes darkened, and I watched how his jaw clenched. I almost regretted asking,
but at the same time, I really wanted to know. Although I had a feeling the answer
was no, seeing how he had told me that aside from me, the only people who knew
about his past were Carlisle and Esme.
So when he finally responded, his words surprised me. Sort of.
I couldnt hide my confusion. What does that mean?
He rolled his eyes. Means that, over the years, Carlisle and Esme have sent me to
more fucking shrinks than I can remember, hoping one of them would
miraculously be able to cure me. Well, big surprise. Didnt work. There was a
hint of bitterness in his voice.
I was about to ask if hed ever given any of them a chance, but decided against it.
This was news to me, and I didnt know how I felt about it. For one thing, I didnt
like the word Edward had used when he mentioned the shrinks. Cure. He didnt

need some cure - he wasnt sick. What he needed was help to deal with his inner
demons and learn to accept his past.
While I wanted to know more, I could tell this was another touchy subject, and
figured it was best to just let it go for now. One look at Edwards pale face told me
that he was completely worn out, and I couldnt blame him. I felt exhausted
myself, and I still didnt know what had transpired at his house before he got here.
Judging by his appearance when he showed up, things had been pretty intense.
I had been about to start with the dinner, but decided that Charlie would just have
to do without me tonight. Hopefully he would understand. Somehow, I had a
feeling he would. Edward? He glanced at me in question. Lets just rest for a
little while, okay?
When he just looked at me with a lost expression on his face, I took the lead and
leaned back against the big pile of pillows, carefully pulling him with me. He
froze briefly, but didnt protest as I made him lie down next to me on the bed.
Then I hesitated, suddenly afraid of overstepping my bounds.
But to my surprise and joy, Edward rolled over so he was lying on his side, facing
towards me. I slowly mimicked his movement, and our eyes met. His hand found
mine, and I let out a content sigh. For a couple of minutes, we just lay there in
silence, looking at each other. Would you do something for me? I whispered
then, stifling a yawn.
If I can, he mumbled, sleepily.
That wasnt good enough. I bit my lip. I need you to promise me something.
I could see a slight hint of fear in his eyes. What?
Looking down pointedly at our entwined hands, I waited for Edwards eyes to
follow my gaze. Then I spoke, softly, Remember when I promised you I wouldnt
let go? He nodded, swallowing. I went on, Now I need you to tell me the same
thing. But only if you mean it. I had to offer him an out, even though the thought
of him taking me up on it was painful.
It turned out I didnt have to worry. Without hesitation, Edward brought my hand
up to his lips, brushing them gently against my knuckles. I wont let go, he
mumbled, his eyes never leaving mine. I promise.

Chapter 42
EPOV
Promising Bella that I wouldnt let go was - to my surprise - one of the easiest
things I had ever done. Because I didnt want to let go. I would gladly hold on to
her for the rest of my life if I could, and the fact that she - for reasons far beyond
my comprehension - actually seemed to need me just as much as I needed her,
made me act without a moments hesitation.
I was worn out, both physically and mentally, feeling like I hadnt slept in a week.
When I had stated that I was going for a ride, Carlisle all but hit the roof, insisting
that I should stay and get some rest. Of course, I flat out refused, and for a
moment, I thought he was simply going to forbid me to leave the house, something
he had never done for as long as I had lived under his roof.
He didnt, though, and at first, I had been relieved, because I was just too tired to
argue with him. In all honesty, I didnt want to. But then he just looked at me with
an understanding expression on his face, telling me to be back within two hours.
And firmly informing me that under no circumstances was I getting behind the
wheel in my current condition.
I could tell that he was genuinely concerned about me, and while it made me feel
strangely warm inside, it also made me feel guilty for leaving. But I just couldnt
stay. I had to go see Bella. I needed to at least try to explain my behavior, praying
she would give me the chance. Although I didnt tell Carlisle where I was going, I
suspected he already knew. Because he didnt ask once.
Going to Bellas house on foot took almost half an hour, but at least it gave me
some time to gather my thoughts. However, when I was standing on the front
porch, nervously knocking on the door and waiting for someone to open, I
couldnt help but wonder if I was making a mistake. And when the door finally
swung open, revealing Chief Swan - thankfully sans uniform - I nearly panicked.
His eyes narrowed when he saw me, but he didnt speak right away. Instead he just
watched me closely, causing me to feel more uncomfortable by the second. Then
he sighed. Edward. Would you like to come in?
I nodded, mumbling, Id like to see Bella, then mentally rolling my eyes at
myself for stating the obvious. Why else would I be there? But Charlie just took a
step back, gesturing for me to enter.

After moving to the stairs, calling out Bellas name, he then turned back to me. Is
everything all right? I opened my mouth, then closed it again, having no idea how
to respond to that. Clearly taking pity on me, he went on, Im only asking
because you have the same distressed look on your face as Bella had when she
walked through that door a couple of hours ago.
I blanched, feeling a stab in my chest. She was upset?
Charlie snorted. You could say that. A beat. Listen, Edward, Im not stupid. I
can see how much you mean to my daughter, although she hasnt said much to me.
To be perfectly honest, I prefer it that way, then I can at least pretend shes still my
little baby girl. He cleared his throat. Anyway, I believe she means a great deal
to you as well. Am I right? I could only nod, not trusting my voice to hold.
Good. He sounded relieved. I hate to think about what it would do to her if I
had to revoke your standing invitation to this house. A pause. Bella means
everything to me. Im going to assume there has been some kind of
misunderstanding, and that you didnt do anything to deliberately hurt her. You
seem to be a good kid, Edward, and my daughter obviously thinks the world of
you. I trust you to go and put a smile back on her face. Because, as a father, it kills
me to see her like that.
His words had shaken me to the core. Not only was he insinuating that he knew I
meant as much to Bella as she meant to me, but he also made it clear that he was
putting a lot of faith in me. I trust you to go and put a smile back on her face.
Those had been his exact words. While I doubted my ability to succeed, I knew I
owed it to both him and Bella to at least try.
But deep down, it all came back to the fact that I just wasnt good enough. How
could I possibly make Bella happy?
Once we were up in Bellas room, she had started apologizing, as if she was the
one to blame for my inability to function like a normal person. And I just couldnt
take it, I had to make her see that it was all my fault. But she wouldnt listen.
Instead she touched me tenderly, discarding my doubts about being capable of
loving, and turned my whole world upside-down with her words.
That was when I broke down.
For almost an hour, I was bawling in her arms, like a fucking baby. And she just
sat there, patiently, holding me close and whispering soothingly in my ear while I
poured out my frustration, confusion and self-loathing. When I had finally started
to calm down - or more likely wept myself into a state of total exhaustion - I was

embarrassed, but at the same time, I felt strangely peaceful. Empty, but in a good
way.
It was not a feeling I was familiar with.
When Bella started asking about therapy, I was wary to respond, because for the
moment, I felt content, at ease, and I wanted to hold on to that feeling for as long
as I could. Thankfully, she noticed my discomfort and dropped the subject, instead
suggesting wed rest for a while.
And then she asked me to do something for her.
As we lay there, close together on the bed with our hands tightly interlocked
between us, she asked, softly, Remember when I promised you I wouldnt let
go? I nodded, feeling a lump in my throat. Now I need you to tell me the same
thing. She paused, and when she continued, I didnt miss the fear and uncertainty
in her voice, But only if you mean it.
So I did the only thing I could think of, there just werent any options. I brought
her hand to my lips and kissed it gently, hoping she could tell I was being sincere.
I wont let go, I told her quietly, looking her right in the eyes. I promise.
I was rewarded with a smile that nearly took my breath away. Bella snuggled
closer to me, let out a happy sigh, and rested her head on my shoulder. Close your
eyes, she whispered, slipping her arm around me. I was reluctant at first, as I just
wanted to keep looking at her. But it didnt take long before I felt my eyelids drop,
and I drifted off.
OoO
I woke up with a start, and it took a moment before I remembered where I was.
But as soon as my eyes landed on Bellas still form next to me, I relaxed. That was
until I realized she was awake, watching me through sleepy eyes, a lazy smile on
her face, and I suddenly felt a little awkward. Sorry, mustve dozed off for a
moment, I mumbled.
She frowned. Edward, youve been asleep for almost two hours.
My eyes widened in disbelief. Youre kidding, right? The look on her face told
me she was very much serious. I groaned. Fuck!

Its okay. Bella put her hand on my arm. I fell asleep as well. Id probably still
be sleeping, if it hadnt been for... She stopped herself, and something in her
expression changed. Oh, um, Carlisle called a little while ago. You didnt by any
chance turn off your phone before you came over?
No, I responded, truthfully. My phone had been on the whole time. In the pocket
of my jacket, that I had left back at the house. I closed my eyes for a moment,
remembering Carlisles request for me to be back within two hours. Which meant if Bella was right about me having been sleeping for so long - that I had been
away almost twice as long. Fuck! I repeated, louder this time.
Bella sat up on the bed, giving me an assuring smile. No need to panic. I talked to
him, and so did Charlie. Carlisle was just worried about you, but I told him you
were fine. He wants you to call him, but hes not mad or anything. Dont worry
about it. She bit her lip. Im sorry, I just didnt have the heart to wake you. You
looked so... she blushed, peaceful.
I raised my brow skeptically, and sat up as well. She went on, her smile fading a
little, You didnt even wake up when I left the room. You mustve been
exhausted.
Guess so. Mind if I use your phone? She reached across the bed, grabbed her
small cellphone from the nightstand, and handed it to me without a word. Then she
stood up, stretched, and told me quietly that she was going to the bathroom,
leaving me to make the call in private. It wasnt necessary, but I appreciated the
thought.
When Bella had left the room, I took a deep breath, and quickly dialed the number
home. The first signal had barely gone through before there was a click on the
other end, and I heard Esmes normally calm voice, now frantic with worry.
Edward?
I held back a sigh. Yeah, its me. Sorry for-
Esme cut me off, Oh thank God, I was so worried! Are you all right?
For a moment, I was torn. While her obvious concern for me made me feel guilty
and wish she wouldnt worry so much, I couldnt deny that - deep down - it felt
kind of good to know that she cared. Of course, I wouldnt admit it out loud. That
would mean letting my guard down completely, and I wasnt sure Id ever be
ready for that.
I pushed the thought to the back of my mind. Im okay. Sorry, I know I shouldve

been home by now. Im at Bellas. I paused, adding with a grimace, I fell

asleep.
Oh, I know, sweetie. Carlisle spoke with both Bella and her father on the phone.
She sounded like she was on the verge of tears. Would you please come home?
As much as I wanted to stay with Bella, I found myself agreeing without
objection. Yeah, sure.
Oh, good. I could hear the relief in her voice, which only added to my guilt. It
just didnt make sense to me, why she wanted me home so badly. All I ever did
was cause trouble. Carlisle and Esme were good people, it just didnt seem fair
that they would have to put up with so much crap from me.
Maybe the reason they put up with you is because they love you, the little voice
whispered inside my head, but I immediately waved it off. True or not, I wasnt
going there. I couldnt deal with that shit now. It was all just too much.
I told Esme I would be home within thirty minutes, which was just about how long
it had taken me to get here. Then I hung up, and placed the phone back on the
nightstand. When Bella re-entered the room a moment later, I gave her an
apologetic look. I really need to get going.
Sadness flashed across her face, but she nodded in understanding. I wish you
could stay, she mumbled, her cheeks turning slightly pink.
So did I. More than anything.
I opened my mouth, wanting to say something about how much these past couple
of hours had meant to me, but suddenly, words just didnt seem to be enough. So
instead I just walked over to Bella, slipping my arms around her waist after only a
moments hesitation. Can I kiss you? I whispered, holding my breath as I waited
for her response.
Her face lit up and she happily melted into my tentative embrace. You never have
to ask, she breathed, closing her eyes as our lips met. And in that moment, the
rest of the world ceased to exist.
When Bella realized I hadnt brought my car and was planning on walking back
home, she insisted on giving me a ride, which meant that I was back at my house
less than twenty minutes later. I would have been home even sooner, but both
Bella and I had a hard time letting go of each other.

Stepping through the front door, I almost walked right into Esme, who I suspected
had been waiting by the door since she hung up the phone. She greeted me with a
warm smile, although I could see her eyes were glistening, like she had been
crying. Then she instinctively reached out her arms towards me, only to catch
herself in the next moment, and her smile disappeared. Suddenly she looked
crestfallen.
Edward... Her voice was husky with emotion. Im so glad youre home. How
are you feeling, sweetie?
Fine. I shrugged. Still a little tired, though. Think Ill just go to bed. While I
had gotten some sleep at Bellas house, it wasnt enough, and I figured I would
pass out as soon as my head hit the pillow.
Oh, of course. Just... Esme hesitated. I was hoping we could talk a little. But if
youre too tired... Her voice trailed off, and she was unable to hide her
disappointment.
I really didnt feel like talking, but I just couldnt bring myself to turn her down.
So I suppressed a sigh and walked into the room, slumping down on the couch. I
could feel Esmes surprised eyes on me, although she quickly covered up and
followed me, stopping a few feet away. Is it okay if I sit next to you? she asked,
quietly. I nodded, for some reason feeling ashamed that she felt the need to ask.
She glanced at me as she carefully sat down, making sure to leave some space
between us. Hows Bella?
Good, I think, I answered, a little relieved. Somehow, I found it a lot easier to
discuss Bellas feelings and emotions than my own. At least she was when I left,
I added.
Well, thats good. Esme paused. Edward, Im going to be straight with you.
Carlisle told me what happened before you left. What you said about... She
swallowed, unable to finish.
I let out a sigh, knowing what she was referring to. Not that I was surprised. When
I first came to live with them, Carlisle had explained to me that he wouldnt ever
hide anything from Esme, unless I directly asked him to. And I rarely did, mostly
because I didnt want to cause any problems between them. Besides, Esme already
knew about my past. I didnt really care if Carlisle shared information with her.
Alice and Emmett were a different matter, though.

I wish I could just give you a hug. Esme tried to smile, not quite succeeding.
Thats what hurts the most, you know? Not being able to hold my boy when hes
hurting. Her chin quivered, slightly.
I closed my eyes, feeling a lump in my throat as I started to object, Im not-
Yes, you are. Clearly knowing where I was going, Esme cut me off, a stubborn
note in her voice. Youve been my boy for the last six years, ever since the day
you stepped through that door for the very first time. A pause. And Ive loved
you for just as long.
I didnt respond. My eyes stung, but thankfully, I seemed to be all out of tears for
now. I feared that if I would start crying again, I wouldnt be able to stop. It was a
very disturbing feeling. I glanced around the room in a desperate attempt to find
some kind of distraction. Where are the others? I asked in a strained voice.
Esme gave me a sad smile, no doubt realizing exactly what I was doing. Carlisle
is in his office. Alice and Emmett are upstairs. A beat. They wont come down.
I nodded in acceptance, but remained silent. She sighed. Sweetie, am I making
you uncomfortable? You can be honest.
No. Then I shrugged, rolling my eyes. Its not you. Its just... I shrugged again,
not knowing how to explain.
But somehow, she seemed to understand. This is just hard to talk about? I
nodded, looking away. She went on, softly, Edward, its hard for me, too. For all
of us. To tell the truth, I just feel so helpless. Ive been trying so hard to give you
the space you need, not wanting to smother you. But I realize now that Ive been
handling it all so wrong. Can you ever forgive me?
My eyes shot to hers and I gave her a look of confusion. First Carlisle, then Bella,
and now Esme had all been apologizing to me, telling me they were sorry or
asking me to forgive them. But I just couldnt see why they thought they were the
ones who had done something wrong. It was always me. It had to be me. I was...
Dont you dare say youre bad, or fucked up. Its not true.
It scares the hell out of me when you cant see that hes the one responsible for
all of this.
Youre the kindest, most loving person I have ever met.
Youre not bad, not bad, not bad...

Bellas voice rang in my head, interrupting my self-criticism. I shook my head in

denial, but I kept hearing her words. She had to be wrong, whether or not she
actually believed it was the truth. I always deserved what I got. She had to be
mistaken.
But what if she wasnt?

Chapter 43
EPOV
My conversation with Esme - to be honest, she had done most of the talking - had
given me a lot to think about. Of course, a part of me desperately wanted to avoid
thinking about it. When she had asked me if I could forgive her, I had merely
mumbled in agreement, not knowing what else to say. I felt like my walls were
crumbling around me, and I couldnt do a thing to stop it. It scared the hell out of
me.
It wasnt the words that came as a total shock to me, after all, she and Carlisle had
told me they loved me several times over the years. I had just never allowed the
meaning of those words to sink in before. In fact, I had always shrugged it off as
something they just felt obligated to tell me, not really understanding the concept.
And they seemed to accept the fact that I just wouldnt say it back.
For some reason, what Esme said about wishing she could hug me struck me hard.
I recalled the feeling of Bellas arms around me, and found myself wondering if
some day I would be able to let my family touch me in any way without flinching
away in revulsion. Then I frowned when I realized I had been referring to them in
my mind as my family. That was not a word I would normally use.
Truth be told, Carlisle and Esme had been touching me on occasion, mostly
unintentionally, and sometimes when they were clearly hoping I would be okay
with it. I never was, though. Not because their touch was actually painful, it was
more a reminder that I was not in control. And it just made me panic.
Now I couldnt help but wonder if maybe I could handle that kind of contact with
them if I initiated it, like I had with Bella at first. Would I be able to hug Esme?
Would I even want to? I realized that I owed it to her, at the very least. It was
another thing to consider. And I couldnt believe I was actually letting my mind

wander in those directions.

I wasnt stupid - I realized this was all Bellas doing. Before I met her, the thought
would never even have crossed my mind. In fact, if someone had told me six
months ago that the day would come when I would willingly allow anyone so
close to me, I wouldve laughed. Or, more likely, told them to fuck off.
But Bella had taught me that touching didnt necessarily have to be painful. It
could actually feel pretty good. Hell, who was I kidding? Bellas touch made me
feel happy, relaxed, safe and cared for, all at once, and I never wanted those
feelings to go away.
I went to bed early that night, and just like I had suspected, I fell asleep right away.
I remember waking up at some point, but I couldnt tell whether or not I had been
dreaming. Either way, I managed to go right back to sleep, and slept without
interruptions for the rest of the night.
The next morning, I made my way down the stairs and into the kitchen, feeling
more rested than I wouldve thought possible after the intense events of the day
before. Everyone was already seated around the breakfast table, although Emmett
seemed to be the only one eating. I headed straight for the coffee maker.
Good morning. Esme smiled at me, and I managed a small smile in return. The
way her face lit up when I quietly returned her greeting made me inwardly cringe.
Was I usually that much of a jerk that I wouldnt even acknowledge her? Deep
down, I already knew the answer to that.
Again, I wondered how the hell they had put up with me for so long. I forced back
a sigh.
Taking a small sip from her glass of orange juice, Alice spoke up, excitedly,
Remember, Mom, I wont be home for dinner tonight. Im spending the night at
Bellas. Esme nodded, seeing how it was obviously no news to her. I, on the other
hand, froze in the middle of pouring myself some coffee, and my eyes shot to
Alice.
Thinking back, I vaguely recalled Bella mentioning something yesterday about
Alice coming over tonight, but I hadnt given it much thought at the time. Now I
was unprepared for the sudden wave of jealousy that welled over me. Why would
Alice get to spend the entire night with Bella? I realized I was being both childish
and irrational, but I couldnt help myself.
My thoughts were interrupted by Emmetts quiet snickering, and I turned to look

at him with a frown. He shrugged as our eyes met, giving me an apologetic look,
and I could tell he knew exactly what was going through my mind. I sighed. Was I
really that obvious? Well, clearly I was. I shook my head in irritation as I walked
over to the stove, helping myself to some scrambled eggs.
Carlisle had been reading the morning paper when I entered the kitchen. Now he
put it down on the table and cleared his throat, looking around the room until he
was certain he had all of our attention. Kids, you remember that your mother and
I will be going out of town tomorrow, and we wont be back until Sunday? We
need to discuss some ground rules.
Grabbing my plate and my cup of coffee, I went over to the table and sat down,
grateful for the distraction. Carlisle and Esme were invited to some charity event
in Seattle and had - after a much heated discussion whether or not it would be safe
to leave the three of us alone in the house over night - decided to go. I suspected I
was the main reason for their hesitation, although they hadnt said it out loud.
Rule number one, Carlisle started, his eyes steady on Emmett, no parties. We
expect to come home and find the house in the exact same condition as it is now.
Is that clear? Emmett nodded, looking somewhat sullen. Alice nodded as well,
and I simply shrugged, thinking it didnt really concern me.
But we can still have friends over, right? Alice asked, a hopeful note in her
voice. I rolled my eyes, knowing she was referring to Jasper.
Sure, I dont see why not. Esme smiled. We trust you.
Carlisle nodded in agreement before he went on about what he and Esme expected
from us while they were away, but I had stopped listening. Instead I found myself
playing with the idea of asking Bella to come over tomorrow. Maybe she could
even stay the night. The thought made me feel strangely excited.
About an hour later, I was sitting in my car waiting for Bella to come out of her
house. Just like our lunch breaks, me picking her up before school had become
somewhat of a ritual. Some days, Alice would ask if she could come along, and
while I usually made an effort not to complain or snap at her, I definitely preferred
those mornings when it was just me and Bella.
This morning, I was thankfully coming alone, as Alice had already left with
Emmett. To be perfectly honest, I didnt understand why she wouldnt just ride
with Emmett every morning, because surely he had to be more fun to be around
than me. But she kept insisting, and I just didnt have the heart to say no.

I snapped out of my thoughts when the front door opened, and Bella stepped
outside, her book bag in a tight grip as she hurried across the driveway. I was out
in a second, rushing around the car so I could hold the door open for her, and as
always was rewarded with a somewhat shy smile and a soft peck on the cheek.
Spring breaks coming up, Bella stated quietly as soon as we were out on the
main road, and she kept fidgeting with her bag. You got any plans?
Before I met Bella, my answer to such a question wouldve been a sarcastic when
the fuck do I ever?, but now I just shook my head. She hesitated a little. We
should do something. Maybe we could go to Port Angeles or something, just over
the day. For some reason, she kept her eyes down.
I frowned, wondering what was going on, because Bella was acting strange.
Despite her words, she seemed off somehow. Distant. And it bothered me. When I
didnt respond, she turned her head to look at me, her eyes suddenly uncertain. I
mean, only if you want to, she mumbled, blushing. I didnt mean to assume...
Her voice trailed off.
I immediately shook my head, horrified that she would think I didnt want to
spend every waken moment with her. Of course I want to. Its just... It was my
turn to hesitate, because I didnt know what to say. Bella, is something wrong?
Did I do something-
No! She cut me off, placing her hand gently on my arm. Im sorry, Edward, I
didnt mean to make you think... Its not you. I just have a lot on my mind right
now.
Oh. I was quiet for a moment, not sure how to respond to that. Finally I glanced
at her. Anything you want to talk about?
Yeah, she answered without hesitation, her hand absently drawing patterns on
my arm. Im just not sure where to start. Now I was beginning to worry, because
she made it seem like it was something serious. Watching Bella take a deep breath,
I realized I was about to find out. And her next words made me feel like I had just
been punched in the stomach. Edward, I have to go back to Phoenix.
OoO
BPOV

I instantly felt Edward tense up and watched all color drain from his face. His
hands were suddenly gripping the steering wheel so tightly that his knuckles
became white, but what bothered me the most was the fact that he had yet to look
at me. Instead he kept staring straight ahead through the windshield - I suppose I
should been grateful that he kept his eyes on the road, but his blank expression
scared me.
It was like he was shutting down on me.
Edward? I whispered, more than a little worried now. Did-did you hear what I
said? Are you okay?
He made no sign of acknowledging me at first. But when almost a minute had
passed, he finally opened his mouth and asked in a hollow voice, When are you
leaving?
I blinked, relieved that he was talking to me, but at the same time, there was
something eerily apathetic about his behavior, and it bothered me deeply. Um,
next Saturday. Look, I-
Are you coming back? he interrupted, again in the same flat, almost dead voice,
as if he already knew the answer and didnt really need to hear the words spoken
out loud. And that was when it hit me.
He didnt think I was coming back. He actually thought I was leaving him for
good.
Oh, God... I mumbled, suddenly feeling nauseous. Edward, please, stop the
car. He didnt react at first, so I had to repeat my request, louder this time, Stop
the car, Edward. Now!
Edward jumped slightly at my sudden demanding tone, but then seemed to snap
out of the stupor and obeyed, pulling over to the side of the road. I almost jumped
out of the car, half convinced that I was going to be sick, but I somehow managed
to remain in my seat, my heart beating wildly in my chest.
Then I turned to look at Edward, and realized he was still looking blankly out the
window, his hands still grasping the wheel, although we were no longer moving.
He was breathing heavily in and out, and I could see small pearls of sweat on his
forehead. Forcing back a sob, I reached out a trembling hand to cover his, gently
trying to pry his fingers off the wheel.
God, how stupid could you get? I silently cursed myself for expressing myself so

badly. Edward, Im not going anywhere. I mean, Im going away, but only for a
couple of days. Ill be back, of course I will. I swallowed. Ill always come back
to you. I love you.
The moment the words left my mouth, I wished I could take them back. Not
because I didnt mean it, but because the last time I told Edward I loved him, he
had bolted. Sure, he hadpromised not to run away from me again, and even if he
would, we were in his car at the moment - should he decide to run, I would just
stay on the spot until he came back. No matter how long it took.
Still, I hadnt planned to tell him again so soon. Like so many other things, love
was clearly a sensitive subject for him, and I should just try to ease him into the
idea instead of blurting the words out like this. But in my defense, I wasnt
thinking rationally, or at all. I just desperately needed to get through to him.
Holding my breath, I waited for some kind of reaction as Edward slowly turned
his head towards me. His breathing seemed a little bit more normal, much to my
relief. These panic attacks, or whatever it was, scared me half to death. It wasnt
the first time I had witnessed him having one, and I was pretty sure it wasnt the
last.
Edward? I tried again when he made no attempt of speaking. He tilted his head
to the side, watching me cautiously, although something in his expression had
changed. Now I could see a faint trace of hope in his eyes. I let out a shaky breath.
Would you please say something?
Im sorry, he whispered, and I forced back a sigh, wishing he had said anything
but those words. He had nothing to be sorry for. This was all my fault.
Dont be. I squeezed his hand and took a deep breath, deciding I owed him an
explanation. And this time, I would start from the beginning. Um... I hesitated.
Remember when I told you Phil was going to sell the house? Edward nodded
slowly, never taking his eyes off me. I went on, Well, he also wants me to come
visit him. And if I want to see the house one last time, I need to do it soon.
Edward nodded again, the color slowly returning to his face. So you are coming
back, he mumbled, sounding so relieved that I almost started crying. My poor
baby. How could he think, even for a second, that I could ever leave him for good?
How could he not know by now how much he meant to me?
Then again, I had a feeling that - deep down - Edward actually did know. He just
didnt dare to fully believe it.

Ill always come back, I told him sincerely, repeating my words from a moment
ago. Only this time, I was certain that he heard me.
But when he spoke up, I realized he had heard me the first time. Because you
love me. It was more of a statement than a question, but there was still a hint of
uncertainty in his voice.
I nodded without hesitation. Yeah. It wasnt lost on me that, while Edward
remained silent, he didnt object to my declaration this time. Hoping that was a
good sign, I continued, I talked to Phil on the phone last night. Since spring break
starts next weekend, he thought it would be the perfect time for me to come. I
shrugged.
Had it been up to me, I would have gladly postponed the visit for as long as I
could. The last thing I wanted to do right now was go back to Arizona and face all
the painful memories. Especially when I could be spending the time with Edward.
I had already decided to make the visit as short as possible. If I could just go over
the day, I would. Unfortunately, that wasnt a possibility.
What about you? Edward asked quietly, causing me to jump as I had been
caught up in my thoughts. I gave him a questioning look, and he clarified, You
said Phil thought it was the perfect time. Dont you agree?
I blinked, wondering if he could read my mind. It doesnt really matter. This is
something I need to do, whether I like it or not. Might as well get it over with. I
sighed. Edward looked at me with an unreadable expression, but he didnt say
anything. I bit my lip, adding, Its just for a few days, not sure if I was trying to
convince him, or myself.
Even a few days away from Edward would feel like an eternity.
We were both quiet for a moment. Finally Edward spoke up, and I could tell he
was trying to change the subject. Alice seemed excited about tonight.
I had to smile, remembering Alices squeal when I had told her we could have a
sleep-over. Somehow, I dont think excited quite cover it. Try ecstatic.
Edward snorted, but didnt object. Instead he cleared his throat. So, what are the
two of you going to do all night?
I shrugged, because I honestly didnt know. If it was up to me, wed have a quiet
night in, just watching a couple of movies and stuffing ourselves with chocolate. I
paused. But since I have a feeling Alice will have other ideas, I might as well

prepare myself for the worst. Seeing Edwards confusion, I clarified, Make up
and curling iron.
The corner of his mouth twitched, although he tried to hide his amusement.
Sounds fucking dreadful.
You have no idea, I muttered, rolling my eyes. The tension seemed to have
lifted, at least for now. I knew the conversation about my leaving wasnt over, but
for the moment, I just wanted to forget about it. And Edward seemed to feel the
same way.
Are you, um, doing anything special tomorrow night? He sounded both nervous
and hopeful, which I found adorable. I shook my head, looking at him expectantly.
Edward quickly averted his eyes, clearly finding something very interesting down
on the floor. Carlisle and Esme are going away for the night. You can come over
if you want. He still wouldnt look at me.
I bit my lip. What about you? Pretty sure I already knew the answer - at least I
hoped so - I still wanted to hear it coming from him. Do you want me to come
over?
His eyes finally shot to mine, and in that moment, he didnt really need to say
anything, because his eyes spoke volumes. Yes, he told me softly, reaching out
to gently run his fingers through my hair. I really want you to come.
I didnt even try to stop the happy grin from spreading on my face. In that case,
theres nothing Id like more.

Chapter 44
EPOV
I was sulking. Not that I would ever admit it out loud, but that was exactly what I
was doing. When Bella had told me she was going to my house directly after
school, to help Alice gather her stuff for their sleep-over, I had been thrilled,
thinking I would get to spend some more time with her. But it turned out I was
wrong.
The moment we stepped through the front door, Alice grabbed Bellas hand and all
but dragged her up the stairs, after firmly informing me that it was a - and I quote -

girls night only, starting right now! Bella didnt look too pleased, but gave me an
apologetic look and a shrug. I knew she had been feeling guilty about hardly
spending any time with Alice lately, so I didnt blame her.
It didnt stop me from feeling abandoned, though.
The annoying little voice inside my head kept whispering that it might be a good
idea to spend some time apart from Bella, just to get used to it. Because in a week,
I would be on my own for days. Ever since Bella had told me she was going to
Phoenix, I had done my best to push the thought to the back of my mind. I didnt
want to think about it.
I was missing Bella now, and she was still in the same fucking house. The mere
thought of her being at the other side of the country made me feel sick to my
stomach.
After spending half an hour moping in my room - with my iPod as my only
company, desperately trying to ignore the fact that Bella was just two bedrooms
away - I decided to go to the kitchen and get something to drink. Not that I was
really thirsty, I just needed a distraction.
As I stepped out in the hallway, I couldnt keep from throwing a wistful look at the
closed door leading into Alices room, but I told myself to just leave Bella alone.
She was here to hang out with Alice; she didnt need me to stalk her. Besides, I
would have her all to myself tomorrow. Bella had happily agreed to spend the
night, assuming her dad wouldnt mind. I was a bit nervous about that, but she had
assured me that as long as she told Charlie she was spending the night with Alice,
he would be okay with the arrangement.
I was a bit confused by her reasoning at first, but as I recalled Charlie admitting he
liked to at least pretend Bella was still his little girl, I suppose it made sense.
Halfway downstairs, I froze in my tracks as I immediately saw Emmett pacing
back and forth, talking on his cellphone. He sounded frustrated. No, you cant
come over tonight. A pause. Because I told you, I need some time. He let out a
sigh. I miss you too, Rose, but thats not the point. I cant... For some reason, he
chose that moment to cast a look in my direction, his eyes widening as he spotted
me.
I considered my options, not sure whether to turn around and go back, or just
ignore him and continue down the stairs, pretending to be oblivious. Emmett and I
had managed to act mostly civilized toward one another lately, and I wasnt in a

mood for fighting. The last thing I wanted was for him to think I was
eavesdropping on his phone calls, when I honestly couldnt care less.
Emmett quickly finished the conversation and let the phone slip down in his
pocket. He gave me a wary look as I - after a moments hesitation - kept walking,
giving him a brief nod as I passed him. Then I continued into the kitchen without a
word, hoping he wouldnt follow.
But it didnt take long before I heard Emmett entering the room behind me. As I
made myself busy rummaging through the fridge, I threw a glance at him over my
shoulder, wondering if he was going to pick a fight. I wouldnt put it past him, but
told myself to try to cut him some slack, seeing how he hadnt really done
anything to deserve my annoyance so far.
Still, old habits were hard to break.
Emmett cleared his throat. Whats up? Seeing the bewildered look on my face,
he went on, Mom said to fend for ourselves for dinner tonight. I was gonna order
pizza. Want some?
My brows went up in surprise as I was taken aback by his question. Um, yeah,
okay.
He nodded, but remained where he was. You know if Alice is eating at Bellas,
or...? Clenching my teeth, I merely shrugged in response. A grin started to spread
on his face. Man, youve got it bad! My eyes narrowed, and he clarified, Just
saying, all I did was mention her name, and youre about to spaz out. I bet it kills
you to know shes up there with Alice right now. He chuckled.
You dont know what the fuck youre talking about. The fact that he seemed
able to see right through me made me both angry and defensive, and I scowled at
him. Just fuck off!
His grin disappeared and he raised his hands in surrender. I was only kidding,
sorry! Jeez! Dont have to bite my head off. Shaking his head in obvious
irritation, he stepped past me and picked up the cordless phone from the kitchen
counter. I watched in silence as he started dialing the number to the pizza place,
suddenly feeling stupid.
When he hung up, I forced back a sigh. I wasnt about to apologize, but I still felt a
strange need to placate him. Ill get you some money for the pizza, I mumbled,
fighting the urge to roll my eyes as it was the only thing I could think of to say.

But luckily, he didnt seem any more eager to keep arguing than I was. Thats
okay. Ive got it covered.
I opened my mouth to object, then decided against it and nodded in acceptance.
All right, thanks. Um, foods on me next time, then. He looked a little surprised
by my offer, but nodded as well. An awkward silence followed.
Just as I was about to leave the room, Emmett spoke up, So, when are you taking
her out on the next date? I stopped in my tracks, eying him cautiously. He
shrugged. Just curious. Hey, shes coming here tomorrow night, right? You know
what you should do? Make her dinner or something. Chicks like to be pampered
like that. Rose would always... He stopped himself, grimacing. Never mind.
I raised a brow, curious against my will, and the words were out of my mouth
before I could stop them, Why did you two break up?
Emmetts mouth opened, then closed, and he suddenly looked angry. I
immediately regretted asking, especially since I didnt even care in the first place.
I was just happy the bitch wasnt around anymore. The truth was, I had never been
able to stand Rosalie, even before she and Emmett started dating. I was just too
ashamed to admit why.
Having expected Emmett to lash out at me, telling me to mind my own fucking
business, I was surprised - to say the very least - when he actually answered.
Because I have a problem with her attitude. He didnt elaborate, and I didnt ask
any further questions.
Instead I just nodded in understanding, and quickly changed the subject. You
really think I should make Bella dinner? A part of me cringed at the thought of
actually asking Emmett for advice about, well, to be honest - anything, but since
he had been the one to bring it up, I decided to give it a go.
After all, he had been kind of helpful with the fucking flowers. I couldnt help but
wonder if Bella had ever googled the meaning of freesias, like I had suggested. Of
course, I was too embarrassed to ask her, but I really wanted her to know what she
meant to me.
Sweetness, friendship, and trust. Thats what it said in that fucking article Emmett
accidentally dropped in my room a couple of weeks ago. Thankfully, he never
asked me if I actually read it.
Now he nodded - if he was shocked by my sudden interest in his opinion, he didnt
let it show. Yeah, sure. I think shed like that. The more I thought about it, the

more I started to agree. Not to mention how good it would feel to be able to do
something nice for Bella for once.
All right. Ill, uh, think about it, I told him, not wanting to sound too
enthusiastic. To tell the truth, it felt more than a little weird to be having this
conversation with Emmett.
In that moment, Carlisle entered the kitchen, and I would be lying if I said I wasnt
grateful for the distraction. Hello. He smiled in greeting before looking around
the room, and his face fell. No dinner?
Emmett shrugged. Mom said she was too busy doing laundry and packing for
tomorrow. I just ordered a couple of pizzas. They should be here any minute.
Carlisle nodded in acceptance. I see. Thatll be fine. He paused. I suppose I
should go offer her my assistance, but I have a feeling I would just be in the way.
Women and packing... Emmett snorted. Moms been at it for an hour already.
Just throw some stuff in a bag, how hard can it be? I mean, youll be gone for one
night. Carlisle shook his head in agreement.
I rolled my eyes. Alice is even worse. She actually wrote a fucking list of what to
bring to Bellas tonight.
Yes, she showed me this morning. Carlisle somehow managed to keep a straight
face. Right after asking me if she could borrow my suitcase. Apparently, her
regular over-night bag wasnt big enough.
For a moment, the three of just just looked at each other, the same bewildered
expression mirroring our features. Then Emmett let out a booming laugh. Carlisle
was unable to hide his amusement any longer, and even I couldnt help but crack a
smile. Hell, it was funny.
Suddenly the phone rang. Emmett instantly became serious. Man, if thats from
the pizza place, calling to say our foods late... Im starving here! He grabbed the
phone and brought it to his ear, a somewhat anxious look on his face. Hello? A
pause. Oh. Um, this is Emmett. Would you like to speak to...? Yeah, sure. Hold
on. He held out the phone to Carlisle. Dad, its for you.
In the same moment, the doorbell rang. Emmett immediately perked up. Pizzas
here! He rushed out of the room to get the door, a huge grin on his face. I just
shook my head.

I dont see why this couldnt wait until Monday. Something in Carlisles voice
made me turn my attention to him. He sounded annoyed as he went on, lowering
his voice, Ive asked you only to contact me during office hours, unless there is
an emergency. This hardly qualifies as one.
He listened for a moment, pinching the bridge of his nose. Yes, I agree. But...
Another pause. Very well. We will discuss it, and then Ill get back to you. Good
bye, Mrs. Masen. He hung up and put the phone down, briefly closing his eyes.
I had frozen at the name, but made no motion of acknowledgment as I just looked
at him, crossing my arms over my chest and fighting back the alarm. What was
that about?
Carlisle let out a sigh. Its no big deal, Edward. We can talk about it later.
I shook my head, refusing to let him patronize me. What did she want? Is she
coming here?
He was quiet for a moment. Her annual visit is coming up, yes. A beat. I know
you dont feel comfortable around Victoria. But remember, this will be the last
time. Youre turning eighteen in less than two months, and then she will be off
your case.
When? I all but growled, thinking this day couldnt possibly get any worse. She
would come here once a year, staying for a couple of hours, during which I was
forced to sit down with her and answer her never-ending fucking questions, all the
while she would watch me closely and take notes. I fucking hated it. And, unlike
the therapy, it wasnt like I had a choice.
I knew Carlisle was right, though; once I turned eighteen, I would legally be
considered an adult, which meant social workers would no longer have any
interest in me. I just had to endure this shit one more time. However, that didnt
mean I was looking forward to it.
Im supposed to call Victoria back on Monday, and we will set a date. Carlisle
hesitated, and I could tell he was eager to change the subject. I didnt blame him.
These fucking visits as he liked to call them - although to me it felt more like an
interrogation - never turned out well. Last time, he reminded me again, looking
me right in the eyes.
That may be true. But I suddenly didnt care. That suppose to make me feel
better?

He sighed. Edward-
I felt my anger rising and cut him off, not really interested in what he had to say,
Because it doesnt. But you wouldnt care. You actually enjoy this, dont you?
Once a year, I have no choice but to be locked up with that bitch and dwell on my
fucked up past. You cant force me to talk to the shrinks, or to yourself, but I have
no say in this matter. Bet you fucking love it!
Carlisle got a hurt look on his face, and I immediately knew I had crossed the line.
He didnt deserve my irrational accusations, but as always, I was taking my fear
and anger out on those who actually cared about me. I had been caught off guard,
and I didnt like it. Im sorry, I didnt mean it, I grumbled and spun around,
eager to get out of the room.
Edward, stay! Carlisle demanded, and I froze in the doorway. He rarely raised
his voice, and I had to struggle to keep the uneasiness away. Refusing to turn
around and face him, I heard him take a couple of steps towards me, only to stop a
few feet away. You are going to stop running away, and listen to me, he told me
in a quiet, yet strained voice.
I squeezed my eyes shut. I said I was fucking sorry.
Yes. I got the feeling he was trying very hard to keep his voice calm. I heard
you. I appreciate and accept your apology. But this isnt about me. This may sound
harsh, and Im sorry. But youre not the only one in the world whos been through
a horrible ordeal. My fist clenched, but I didnt respond. He continued, You need
to learn to control your temper.
Finally spinning around, I stared at him with wide eyes. What the fuck are you
talking about?
He gave me a sympathetic look. I think you know, you just dont want to admit it.
You keep letting your temper get the best of you. Its not your fault, but it affects
everyone around you. I can handle it. But what about Bella? She may be strong,
but shes still a seventeen-year-old girl. Treat her the same way, and she will get
hurt. Is that what you want?
I would never hurt Bella! I glared at him.
Intentionally, no, Carlisle agreed. My fingers were itching to break something.
He took a deep breath. But Edward, you need to realize that if you keep lashing
out at Bella the way you lash out at me, you might end up scaring her away.

I just stared at him as his words started to sink in. Then I exploded. She fucking
promised me shes not going anywhere! I shouted, not even thinking as I
slammed my fist right into the door frame. There was a sickening, cracking sound,
and a wave of indescribable, blinding pain shot through my fingers and all the way
up my arm. I was unable to stop a loud groan of pain. Fuck!
Oh for Gods sake, this has got to stop! Carlisle exclaimed. Let me see. He
closed the distance between us and reached out towards my arm. Try to move
your fingers. Can you- He stopped abruptly as I snatched my hand away with a
strangled cry, although this time not from fear or revulsion.
Dont - it fucking hurts! I yelled in protest, cradling my throbbing hand against
my chest. I looked down, frowning as I noticed its condition. It was already
swollen almost twice its size, and my index finger was slightly bent in an
unnatural angle.
Whats going on? Emmett demanded, having appeared in the doorway with his
arms full of pizza boxes. Then his eyes landed on my injured hand, and he
blanched. Dude, what the fuck did you do?!
Carlisle closed his eyes, and I got the feeling he was silently counting to ten.
Emmett, please leave the pizzas and go start the car. He turned to me. Ill go to
my office and get you something for the pain. Then were going straight to the
hospital.
My eyes immediately widened in alarm, and I quickly took a step back. Not the
hospital.
He let out an sigh. Edward, your finger is obviously broken. Im afraid its not up
for discussion. He gestured for Emmett to go.
I said, Im not going to the fucking hospital! I hissed as I kept backing away,
tears welling up in my eyes. The pain was getting worse by the second, and I
started to feel dizzy. Unfortunately, it wasnt enough a distraction to keep the panic
away. Hospitals meant sedation, lack of control. Faceless strangers everywhere,
poking and prodding. Touching me. And nowhere to escape.
That was when I found myself backed up against the wall. Carlisle took a step
forward, only to stop as I gave him a look that clearly warned him not to come any
closer. He sighed again. Edward, listen to me. We need to-
No! I cut him off, stubbornly shaking my head. Seeing how he opened his
mouth, I hurried on, unable to keep the desperation out of my voice, Please, dont

make me go to the hospital. Just do whatever you need to and fix it here, I can
handle it. Ill be good. I promise I wont freak out when you touch me and I wont
yell at you again. Please! I realized I was begging now, but I couldnt find it in
me to care.
He shook his head, a pained look on his face. Edward, Im sorry, but I cant. The
bone needs to be set properly, and I cant do that here. We have to go. He kept
talking, but I was no longer listening. Instead I slid down to the floor, wrapping
my arms tightly around my body as I tried to ignore the burning pain.
I was vaguely aware of someone gasping and calling out my name, but I didnt
look up. Images were flashing in my head, and I was suddenly eleven years old
again, curled up on the cold, sterile floor in a hospital back in Chicago. Somehow,
I had managed to block that particular memory for all these years, but now it was
all coming back.
My head was aching, my throat was sore, and I couldnt see a thing. I could hear
strange voices, loud and frantic, coming from all around me, but I didnt
understand what they were saying. I also heard footsteps approaching, and I
shrunk back in terror.
And then someone was touching me.

Chapter 45
BPOV
Although I had been missing Alice lately, and did look forward to spending some
time with her, I didnt really want to leave Edward. And I could tell the feeling
was mutual. In fact, I was pretty sure I actually saw him pout for a brief moment
when he didnt think I was looking, which didnt exactly make it any easier for me
to step away from him and follow Alice up the stairs.
But somehow, I managed.
Were going to have so much fun tonight, Bella! Alice stated, eagerly clapping
her hands together. Practically dancing across the room, she threw herself on the
large bed, bouncing up and down a few times. I smiled at her enthusiasm, but deep

down, I couldnt help but wonder how she could be so overly excited about
something as simple as a sleep-over at my house.
I mean, our house paled in comparison to the Cullen mansion, and my entire room
would most likely fit into Alices bathroom.
You know... Alice started, as if she had read my mind. Im kind of glad were
not staying here tonight. Itll be nice to get away for a while. Seeing my frown,
she hurried to add, Dont get me wrong; I love my family to pieces. But
sometimes, it just becomes too much. Know what I mean?
Actually, I didnt. Since I didnt have any brothers or sisters myself, I couldnt
even imagine what it was like to be a part of such a big family. And lately, it had
just been me and Charlie. So I shrugged apologetically and shook my head.
Sorry.
Alice sighed, suddenly serious. Well, theres always something. Mom and Dad
have been arguing a lot lately, even though they try to hide it from us. Emmetts
been grumpy ever since he and Rose broke up. And Edwards being, well,
Edward.
I couldnt keep the silly smile from spreading on my face at the mention of
Edward. Of course Alice noticed. She raised her brows, knowingly. I blushed.
Shut up.
Having expected her to start teasing me, I was surprised when she sat up on the
bed, a thoughtful expression on her face. Would you rather spend the night here?
I mean, then you could hang out with Edward as well. Im sure hed like that. She
tried to smile, although it didnt quite reach her eyes, and there was a hint of
sadness in her voice.
While a part of me wanted to say yes, I knew I couldnt do that to Alice. So I
firmly shook my head. No, were going to my house, just like weve planned.
Seriously, Alice, I want to hang out with you tonight. Girly movies and Ben &
Jerrys. I paused, and somewhat reluctantly added, You can even do my nails if
youd like.
Her face lit up, and she jumped up from the bed. What are we waiting for, then?
Lets get out of here!
Five minutes later, we were stumbling down the stairs, half carrying, half dragging
Alices ridiculously large, overstuffed suitcase between us. That was when I heard
frantic male voices, coming from the kitchen. The way Alice froze next to me told

me she had heard it as well. I glanced at her, and our eyes met. Edward, was all
she said in explanation, and my heart sank.
Without hesitation, I started towards the kitchen. But Alice stopped me by
grabbing my arm. Bella... I turned to look at her. Hell be okay, lets just
leave, she almost pleaded. I stared at her, incredulously. She let out a sigh. Bella,
come on. If he and my dad are having a conflict, the last thing you want to do is
get in the middle. Trust me.
Although I knew she was probably right, I simply couldnt bring myself to just
turn and walk out the door, not without making sure Edward was all right. So I
ignored Alices protests and made my way across the room. I stopped by the
closed door leading into the kitchen, took a deep breath, and carefully pushed it
open so I could peek inside.
The sight that met me caused me to freeze dead in my tracks. Edward! I gasped
in horror.
He was curled up on the floor with his back pressed against the wall, hunched
forward with his face buried between his legs and one hand tugging forcefully at
his hair. His entire body was shaking violently, like he was having some kind of
seizure, and every now and again he would let out the most gut-wrenching cries,
only to start mumbling incoherently in the next moment.
Carlisle was crouching down next to him on the floor. He had one fist pressed
against his mouth, possibly in an attempt to keep from crying. His other hand was
reaching out towards Edward, hovering in the air above his head as he clearly
didnt dare to make contact. It was the most heartbreaking scene I had ever
witnessed in my life, and I was unable to hold back a sob.
I didnt even think as I moved into the room, my feet carrying me over the floor
until I reached them, and I sank to my knees. Edward? I whispered, tears
streaming down my cheeks.
Bella... Carlisles voice cracked and he held up a hand, indicating that I
shouldnt come any closer. Please, just stay back. I understand how you feel, and
I know you want to help, but... His voice trailed off as I raised my own hand and
- after a brief moment of hesitation - carefully placed it on Edwards arm.
He went absolutely rigid. A fearful moan escaped him and he instinctively flinched
back, the back of his head slamming into the wall behind him. Edward, its me! I
cried and scooted closer to him, despite Carlisles pleading warnings that I needed
to back away, that Edward might end up hurting me without even realizing it.

I could hear Alice weeping in the background, but I paid no attention to her.
Instead I did the only thing I could think of in that moment; the only thing I knew
had calmed Edward down before. I wrapped my arms around him and pulled him
gently against my body, rocking us both back and forth as I kept murmuring, Im
here, baby, youre safe. Everythings going to be okay, Ive got you.
For about a minute or so, he struggled weakly against me, but then he became still.
Although I couldnt tell whether he actually recognized my voice and allowed
himself to calm down, or if he had simply ran out of energy. I really had no idea
how long he had been going on like this.
The room had become dead silent, and I could feel everyones eyes on me. I threw
a quick look over my shoulder. Carlisle was still sitting on the floor, although he
had let his hand drop, obviously no longer objecting to my presence. I figured he
had realized that Edward didnt pose any threat to my safety.
Alice was standing in the middle of the room next to Emmett, grasping her older
brothers arm tightly as she was sobbing, quietly. And Emmett just stood there
silently, staring at me and Edward with large eyes, his face white as a sheet and his
Adams apple bobbing. I didnt know where Esme was, and a part of me was glad
she didnt have to see this. Because it would without doubt have broken her heart.
I turned my attention back to Edward, cradling him gently in my arms and
stroking his hair, all the while whispering soothingly in his ear. He still hadnt
moved, just sat there stiff as a board, although he had made no further attempt of
breaking free. But after what seemed like an eternity, he finally collapsed into my
embrace, panting heavily.
Its okay, its okay... I repeated in a trembling voice, over and over again, like a
mantra. Edward made no sign to indicate that he heard me. He was still shaking
slightly, and his body felt warm against mine, almost feverish. Blinking back my
tears, I pressed a soft kiss to the top of his head, running my hand slowly up and
down his back.
I dont know how long we just sat there like that. It could have been hours, or just
minutes. Finally Carlisle cleared his throat, breaking the silence around us. Bella,
we need to get to the hospital.
What, why? I asked in a breathless whisper, tightening my arms around Edward
as I felt him tense up again.
It was Emmett who responded, his voice thick. His hand, he mumbled in

explanation, and it sounded like he was close to crying.

I frowned, pulled back a little and looked at Edward in alarm. What happened to
your hand? His face was blank, unresponsive, and he seemed to be miles away.
Edward, your hand? I tried again, cupping his cheek and tried holding his gaze.
Finally he blinked in confusion, looking down. My eyes followed his, landing on
his hand, and I gasped. Oh my God...
Suddenly I felt like the room was spinning. I had seen Edwards hands damaged
before, in fact, he seemed to hurt them so often that his knuckles always were
scraped or bruised, but this went beyond everything I had ever seen. For one thing,
it wasnt the dried blood between his fingers that made me queasy - one of his
fingers was clearly broken, and I didnt even want to think about the pain he must
be in.
Oh Edward, what did you do? I breathed, more tears welling up in my eyes
when he just watched me apathetically. Things had been fine when I left him to be
with Alice - what could possibly have happened in such a short time to cause this?
I had no idea, and to be honest, a part of me was afraid to find out.
Edward? Carlisle spoke up in an unsteady voice, although I could tell he was
trying to hold himself together. Bella can come if youd like, but we need to go.
Do you understand what Im saying? No response. He took a deep breath. Son,
you need to snap out of it and tell me if you understand. Please. Hesitating a
little, he then placed his hand carefully on Edwards shoulder.
I held my breath, not sure I could handle another fit of panic. But to my utter
relief, it didnt come. I figured Edward was either all right with the contact, or he
was just too out of it to realize what was happening. Suspecting it was the latter, I
was surprised when he blinked again, slowly turning his eyes to Carlisle. Then
came a brief nod.
All right. I could see Carlisle swallow hard, his eyes darting between Edwards
face and the hand still on his shoulder. He addressed me without even looking in
my direction, Bella, would you mind?
I looked at him in confusion, not understanding what he was asking me. Would I
mind what? For a moment, I was afraid I would pass out. I felt dizzy, and my
heart was beating a lot faster than normal.
He finally tore his eyes away from Edward. Would you mind coming with us to
the hospital? he clarified, looking concerned as he paused to take in my
expression. Are you feeling all right, Bella? You look a little pale. I just waved

my hand in dismissal.
Edward inhaled sharply, his eyes turning to me in alarm. Bella? he rasped. It was
the first word I had heard him speak since I entered the kitchen, and I nearly broke
down at the spot.
Im right here, I whispered tearfully, reaching for his uninjured hand and
grasping it softly. We need to go and get you taken care of, okay baby? I went
on, sniffling a little.
He nodded slowly, thankfully appearing to be less dazed than a minute ago. Will
you...? His voice cracked and he coughed, starting over, Will you come? I
didnt miss the fearful note in his voice, and his eyes were begging me not to leave
him. Like that was even an option. In that moment, wild horses couldnt drag me
away from him.
Yes, of course Ill come, I assured him in a shaky voice. Then I suddenly
remembered Alice, and bit my lip, praying she wouldnt be too upset. I turned to
look at her, and realized she was still crying, silently. Although I felt sorry for her,
Edward was my first priority. Alice... I started, apologetically.
Go, she mumbled, gesturing towards the door before wiping her eyes. I didnt
want to leave Edwards side even for a second, otherwise I would have walked
over to her and given her a hug.
After asking if I was coming, Edward didnt speak up again. He remained passive,
not putting up a fight when I gently tugged on his hand and pulled him to his feet,
and he allowed me to lead him out of the house and into the backseat of the car
that was already running in the driveway. I was starting to get the exact same
feeling I had this morning, when I told him I was going to Phoenix - he was
shutting down.
It really scared me when he did that. To tell the truth, I was beyond grateful for
Carlisles presence.
The ride to the hospital was very quick; Carlisle stepped on the gas and drove
across town like a madman, and I let out a sigh of relief when he finally turned off
the engine and ushered us out of the car. As we approached the hospital entrance,
Edward started to tense up again, and when we were about to enter, he started to
shake uncontrollably, although he still didnt say a word.
I half expected him to simply turn around and bolt.

Somehow, we managed to get inside. Carlisle told us to stay put, and made his
way over to the reception where he spoke quietly with the young woman behind
the counter. Then he gestured for us to come. I glanced at Edward, who seemed to
be following me and Carlisle blindly through the corridors, his shoulders slumped
and his head down. His entire posture screamed defeat, like he had given up.
It was absolutely killing me to see him like that. I didnt understand his obvious
fear, but I was willing to do anything to make it go away. Unfortunately, I didnt
know how. So I just kept touching him a lot as we walked, mumbling useless
words of comfort, and just tried to soothe him with my presence. After all, it had
worked before.
Carlisle showed us into a small room, telling us to sit down. It didnt take long
before the door opened, and a male nurse entered. Evening, Dr. Cullen. He then
turned to me and Edward with a friendly smile. Hello, Im Ben, and Im working
at the ER tonight. I understand theres been a little accident? He took a step
closer, turning to Edward, and held his hand out in greeting.
However, Bens smile faded and he quickly let his hand drop as Edward
immediately shrunk back in alarm, his eyes narrowing suspiciously. I instinctively
moved closer to him, placing my hand protectively on his knee. Carlisle watched
us for a moment, and then sighed. Thank you, Ben, but Ive got this covered.
Ben looked taken aback. With all due respect, Dr. Cullen, its my job to-
Carlisle cut him off. Im sure there are other things for you to do here tonight,
Ben. I dont mean to offend you, but Im in no need of assistance for the moment.
I could feel Edward relax slightly next to me as Ben nodded in acceptance and left
the room.
Im sorry about that. Carlisle pinched the bridge of his nose before turning to
Edward. Before we start, Id like to give you a mild sedative. Itll help you relax,
plus itll take some of the pain away. Is that okay with you?
Edwards eyes widened in fear, and he started to tremble again. He shook his head,
pleadingly. Please, dont, he whispered, hoarsely. I slid my arm gently around
his waist, and he instantly leaned into my touch, gratefully accepting the comfort I
was offering.
Its okay, no ones going to hurt you. I ran my hand tenderly up and down his
arm.
Carlisle closed his eyes for a moment. Hesitating a little, he then walked over to us

and sat down. He turned to Edward. Is this about what happened at the hospital
back in Chicago? This is different, Edward. There will be no... He stopped,
glancing at me. May I speak freely in front of Bella? Or would you rather shed
step out for a minute?
Edward turned his frightened eyes to me, reminding me of a terrified child. Then
he quickly shook his head. I want her to stay, he mumbled. I managed a soft
smile, squeezing his hand.
Very well. Carlisle paused, clearly trying to decide how to begin. Edward, the
last time you were at the hospital, you were in a very bad shape. I realize it may
not have seemed that way to you at the time, but I assure you, the doctors and
nurses were only trying to help you. I dont know how much you remember. You
were confused and disoriented at the time, which is perfectly understandable.
Now...
He kept talking in a low, steady voice, and I struggled to keep up, but my mind
had started wandering. I didnt know exactly why Edward had ended up in the
hospital in the first place, but I could imagine. His step father must have hurt him
badly, worse than ever before. Horrifying images and scenarios were suddenly
playing up in my head.
I didnt realize I had started crying until Carlisle stopped himself in the middle of a
sentence and turned to look at me. His eyes were tired, yet sympathetic. But it was
Edwards reaction that really struck me. He looked at me with wide eyes, the
concern evident on his face. Then he raised his hand, gently cupping my face.
Bella... he whispered.
Im sorry... I swallowed hard, trying to wipe away the tears, but they just kept
falling.
Dont cry, he pleaded, leaning in to rest his forehead against mine, his hand still
on my cheek.
For so long, I had felt an almost desperate need to be strong for Edward. And
when I couldnt - like now - it made me feel like I was failing him. Yet here he
was, broken and traumatized, and still trying to offer me some comfort when he
realized I was sad. I wondered if he even understood that my tears were for him.
Maybe he wasnt able to verbally express his feelings for me. But in that moment,
despite the circumstances, I realized there was hope. In that moment, for the first
time, I actually felt loved.

Chapter 46
EPOV
Seeing Bella cry like that was like a wake-up call; I felt like I had spent the last
couple of hours in a daze, but somehow, the sight of her tears brought me right
back to reality. I knew we were at the hospital, of course, and I vaguely recalled
breaking down in the kitchen, but it was all sort of blurry, and now I felt like I had
just stepped out of a fog.
Dont cry, I mumbled pleadingly as I rested my forehead against hers, stroking
her cheek and wishing I could just make her pain go away, like she had done for
me so many times. She always seemed to know just what to do to make me feel
better, but I was at a total loss.
Im sorry, she whispered again, and her hand went up to cover mine, still on her
cheek. But I cant help it. When youre hurting, Im hurting. She sniffled. And
youve been hurt so much. Please, Edward, just let Carlisle help you.
I frowned, glancing at Carlisle who was sitting quietly next to us, having almost
forgotten he was there. He looked tired, I noted, and I couldnt help but wonder
what was going through his mind in that moment. Now he spoke up, softly, Its
just the three of us in here, Edward. Just trust me, and let me give you that shot. I
will take care of your hand, make it better. Then we can all go home and rest.
Turning my eyes back to Bella, I watched her give me a nod of encouragement. I
let out a shaky sigh, willing the tears to stay away. Although I felt somewhat
calmer now, I still dreaded the idea of being put under sedation, even if it was just
Carlisle, who I knew wasnt going to hurt me. It was the thought of being out of
control, helpless. I had been there before.
Everything seemed bright, too bright, which was strange, since I couldnt really
see anything. But I could hear, though. I heard people talking around me, although
I didnt know if they were actually talking to me, because I couldnt understand the
words. I didnt recognize any of the voices, and they were just too loud.
I didnt know where I was, or what to expect. Was James around here somewhere?
Where was my mother?
My entire body was aching, and I realized I couldnt breathe through my nose. I

was lying on my back and it seemed like I was in bed, but somehow it just felt
wrong; it didnt feel like my own. And the unfamiliar voices kept coming closer.
Suddenly there was a hand on my shoulder, causing me to jump and try to pull
away. I wanted to beg whoever it was not to hurt me, but my mouth wouldnt obey
me, and all that came out was a whimper. The pressure on my shoulder eased, but
then someone was touching my arm, as if to hold me down.
I heard a voice close to my ear, Just relax, it will only hurt for a second. And
then there was a sharp, stinging pain in my arm.
Panic and fear welled up inside me, overwhelming me, and I let out a strangled
cry, somehow managing to snatch my arm away. In a desperate attempt to escape,
I scrambled backwards, until I toppled over the edge of the bed and fell to the
floor with a silent gasp. All the air left my body at the hard impact, and for a
moment, I just laid there, stunned.
My head was aching, my throat was sore, and I couldnt see a thing. I could hear
the strange voices, loud and frantic, coming from all around me, but I didnt
understand what they were saying. I also heard footsteps approaching, and I
shrunk back in terror.
And then, someone was touching me. I let out a wail, covering my face with my
arms and bracing myself for the pain.
A choked sob escaped me, although I somehow managed not to flinch back when I
felt Bellas hand on my cheek, gently wiping away the tears I didnt even realize
had started to fall. Fuck this, I muttered, hating the way my voice trembled.
Just give me the shot and get it over with.
I just wanted to be able to leave this fucking place and go home.
Things happened pretty quickly after my reluctant agreement to sedation. Carlisle
jumped into action - I assume he decided to act before I got the chance to change
my mind - and I remember Bella squeezing my hand and whispering words of
comfort in my ear, but other than that, things were pretty much a blur.
One more thing I do remember, though, was the lack of panic. Carlisle kept
touching me as he was working on my hand, but he remained calm, making no
harsh or sudden movements, and he was talking quietly the whole time, explaining
exactly what he was doing. In the end, I wasnt sure whether it was the drugs or
his presence that had the most calming effect on me. Maybe it was a tie.

And before I knew it, it was over.

While it was a relief to walk out of the hospital, I was too exhausted to enjoy the
feeling of freedom. When we reached the car, Carlisle motioned for me to wait as
Bella slipped inside. Casting a look at her, I didnt miss that her eyes were redrimmed, and there were traces of dried tears on her face. I felt a pang in my chest
as I realized she had been crying - again - and I hadnt even noticed.
I had to be the worst fucking boyfriend in the world.
How are you feeling now? he asked, softly. I just shrugged and mumbled a short
okay. He nodded in understanding. Considering the circumstances, you did very
well. Im proud of you. I let out a snort. He calmly met my eyes. I mean it,
Edward. I cant even imagine what it must have been like for you, but Im glad
you were able to trust me. I just nodded, not knowing what else to say.
Carlisle went on, quietly, Bella did well, too. She really is a remarkable girl. But
what happened tonight is going to be a bit hard for her to take in, and I assume she
has a lot of questions. Thats why Id like to ask for your permission to give her
some answers, if I can.
You want to talk to Bella? I gulped. About me?
He nodded. But only if thats all right with you.
I was quiet for a moment. Not long ago, his words would have caused me to panic.
But as I thought about it, I realized I didnt have anything to hide from Bella. Not
anymore. Not to mention that - after today - she definitely deserved some answers.
And I was actually relieved I wasnt the one who had to give them to her. So I
nodded in acceptance. Okay. I tried to stifle a yawn,
Thank you. He paused, watching me thoughtfully before pulling out a tiny
plastic bag from his pocket and holding it out to me. There were two small white
pills inside. You can take these when we get home. It should make you sleep
peacefully throughout the night. I have a feeling you will need it.
I raised a brow in surprise, but didnt object. Carlisle had always been reluctant to
giving me sleeping pills; it had only happened a few times over the years. If he
thought I would need it tonight, I wasnt about to argue. In fact, the thought of
getting to sleep the entire night without interruptions felt pretty good to me. Right
now, I wouldnt mind sleeping for a week.
The ride home was fast and uneventful. As soon as I slumped down tiredly in the

backseat beside Bella, she scooted over and snuggled up to me, slipping her arm
across my chest and resting her head on my shoulder. I felt her soft hair against my
cheek, inhaling the sweet smell of her shampoo, and it didnt take long before my
eyelids became heavy and started to drop.
The next thing I knew, the engine was off and we were back in the driveway at
home.
Esme met us at the door, her eyes welling up and her chin starting to quiver as
soon as she spotted me. I managed a weak smile, and her tears spilled over. Oh,
sweetie... She inhaled, shakily. Are you all right? Hows your hand? She closed
her eyes for a moment. Ive been so worried. How are you feeling?
Tired, I admitted, holding up my bandaged hand for her inspection. I swallowed
hard, managing to remain still as she ran her fingers softly over the white gauze,
never taking her eyes off my face, as if to check for my reaction.
More tears fell down her cheeks. Does it hurt? I shook my head. It didnt, at
least not for the moment. Esme kept watching me with a sad expression. Well,
youre home now. Do you need anything? Are you hungry? You didnt get to eat
before... Her voice trailed off and she lowered her eyes.
I shook my head again, glancing at Bella who had stepped up beside me. I just
want to get some sleep.
Oh, of course. You must be exhausted. Esme swiped her hand over her cheek,
brushing the tears away. She turned to Bella. What about you, Bella? Do you
want something? Theres some pizza left, although its probably cold by now. I can
heat it up for you if youd like.
Thanks, Esme, but Im not really hungry, Bella politely declined. She blushed.
Um, Id like to go upstairs with Edward, if thats all right.
Esme cast a brief look at me, then turned back to Bella. Sure, honey. A beat.
Listen, Bella, I called your dad and explained the situation to him. I knew he was
expecting you and Alice to show up. Oh, and speaking of Alice, I know she would
like to see you later, if you dont mind.
Bella nodded in understanding. Of course. Thank you. She glanced at me,
reaching for my uninjured hand. And I gratefully led her towards the stairs.
OoO

BPOV
I wanted Edward to talk to me, tell me about what happened before, because I still
didnt know, and I needed to understand. But as we headed upstairs, I realized I
didnt have the heart to ask. He had dozed off in the car on the way back from the
hospital, and I could tell he was completely worn out.
Not that I could blame him.
As Edward disappeared to the bathroom, I took the opportunity to give Charlie a
call to let him know I was back at the Cullens, and that I would stay for a while.
He took it surprisingly well, and I couldnt help but wonder just what Esme had
told him.
Edward returned a couple of minutes later, looking as if he was about to drop on
the spot. A wave of sympathy welled up inside me. You should get some rest, I
told him softly.
He nodded in agreement, but remained where he was, an uncertain look on his
face. Are you leaving? I shook my head. Watching me closely for a moment, he
then made his way over to the bed and slumped down with a grimace. Feel like a
fucking idiot, he muttered.
Dont. I walked over to him and sat down on the edge of the bed. Edward, its
okay. You have nothing to be ashamed of. He huffed, but didnt say anything. I
shrugged, helplessly. Im serious. I just wish... Then I bit my lip, not knowing
how to finish.
When he just looked at me with a lost expression, I kicked my shoes off and pulled
my legs up, leaning back against the headboard. Then I held out my arm as an
invitation, pleased when he immediately curled up against my side, resting his
head on my chest. We can talk later, I mumbled, brushing my lips against his
hair and slid my arms around him. Just close your eyes. He obeyed.
About five seconds later, he was fast asleep.
I squeezed my eyes shut and just sat there, holding him tightly as he slept. Tears
were burning behind my eyelids, but I was so tired of crying. It was useless to cry.
My tears wouldnt help Edward. He needed my strength, although right now, I
didnt feel like I had much left.

God, how I wished I could just go to sleep as well.

A soft knock on the door brought me out of my troubled thoughts. I looked up, and
saw Carlisle standing quietly in the doorway. He offered me a gentle smile, and
glanced at Edwards still form. Is he asleep?
I just nodded, not wanting to speak in fear of waking him up. Carlisle nodded in
understanding. I figured it wouldnt take long. A pause. Bella, would you mind
coming downstairs? There are a few things I would like to discuss with you. I have
a feeling you know what Im talking about. His eyes ran over Edward again, and
I didnt miss the pained look on his face.
My eyes widened in alarm, and I shook my head, pleadingly. Please, I dont want
to leave him, I whispered, praying Carlisle would understand that I wasnt trying
to be disrespectful. I just couldnt stand the thought of Edward waking up all
alone, possibly from a nightmare. I needed to be there for him.
I understand. To my relief, Carlisle didnt seem upset with me. He went on,
softly, But Bella, you dont have to worry. I gave him something that will help
him sleep, and he should be out for the entire night. Its okay for you to leave him.
He wont wake up.
Oh. I hesitated a little. Okay. Ill be right down. Nodding in acceptance,
Carlisle then turned around and left the room. I reluctantly let go of Edward,
slipping out of the bed as carefully as possible, just in case he would be disturbed
by my movement. But he just kept sleeping, his breathing calm and even. I stood
there watching him for almost a minute. In that moment, he looked completely
peaceful.
Carlisle was waiting for me at the bottom of the stairs. As he saw me, he motioned
for me to follow him. Lets go into my room.
Once we were inside the office, he closed the door behind us. Then he gestured for
me to sit down. When I obeyed, he sat down as well. I suddenly felt very nervous.
Not because I wasnt comfortable around Carlisle, but because I was afraid of
what he had to say. I swallowed. So, you wanted to talk to me?
Yes. He nodded. I could tell he was debating with himself on how to begin.
Finally he spoke up. After what happened before in the kitchen, I feel compelled
to explain some things to you. About Edward, and his behavior. I opened my
mouth, but he raised a hand, indicating that he wasnt finished. I want you to
know that Ive asked for his permission to talk to you. And he agreed.

I frowned, having not seen that coming. Really? He nodded again. Wow. I was
quiet for a moment. Does that mean that I can ask you some questions?
Of course. He gave me a sympathetic smile. I can imagine you have a lot on
your mind at the moment. Why dont you start by telling me what youre thinking
right now?
Um... My head felt like it was spinning, and I slumped back into the couch.
That Im... confused.
That is perfectly understandable.
I nodded. This feels kind of wrong, though, talking to you about Edward. Like
Im going behind his back or something. Carlisle didnt say anything, just waited
for me to continue. I let out a sigh. But I do have questions. And I know it would
upset him to talk about it. So... I shrugged, awkwardly. Did you know that he
told me a little about... I swallowed, ...his past?
Yes, he told me. Carlisle watched me with an unreadable expression. How did
it make you feel, hearing about it?
How do you think?! I realized I was raising my voice, but I couldnt help
myself. God, I cant even... I shook my head. How can anyone be so horrible?
So... so cruel? I mean, he was just a little boy! I cant... I started crying.
There are a lot of sick and twisted people out there, Carlisle stated in a low
voice. The world doesnt always make sense. And if you think about it too much,
it is bound to drive you insane. Believe me, Bella, Ive lost a lot of sleep over the
years, dwelling about the injustice of it all.
I wiped at my face. Is it even possible to get over something like that? I silently
begged him to say yes. But deep down, I was having doubts. I feared that a part
of Edward would always remain broken, damaged beyond repair by the cruel
actions of a heartless monster.
If theres one thing Ive learned, it is that we can never allow ourselves to lose
hope. Carlisle leaned back against the cushions, a grave look on his face. Bella,
do you remember when I asked you about your intentions regarding Edward?
Uh-huh. My cheeks flushed slightly.
He looked somewhat sheepish. I have to admit, that was one of the most
frightening moments in my life.

I stared at him, incredulously. Why?

Because I had just witnessed something I never wouldve thought possible. He
looked me right in the eyes.
Right. I nodded slowly, understanding dawning on me. Youre talking about
Edward letting me touch him.
Carlisle shook his head. At first I thought I was just imagining things. That it
couldnt possibly... His voice trailed off, and he stared out into the distance.
When he first came to live with us, he would panic whenever someone got too
close. All it took was for someone to accidentally walk up behind him, taking him
by surprise. And should he find himself trapped against a wall, or in a corner, he
would crumble. It used to take hours before we could even get any contact with
him again. It was like he would shut himself off, locking himself up in his mind,
where no one could reach him.
The tears rolled freely down my cheeks now. I waited for Carlisle to go on,
because I knew my voice wouldnt hold if I tried to speak.
When he continued, it sounded as if he was close to tears himself. As he got
older, he started reacting violently, acting out. At first I thought it was a good sign.
But he never fully trusted us. And he would never accept any kind of physical
contact. He paused. But something has changed. He has changed. When I saw
the two of you sitting close together, holding hands...
He looked at me, his eyes shining. It gave me hope. And I will not allow myself
to lose it again. I sniffled, but remained silent. Carlisle went on, You love him.
It wasnt a question.
Swallowing, I nodded. More than anything.
I believe you. He put his hand on my arm, squeezing softly. And thats why I
think you deserve to hear the full story.

Chapter 47
BPOV

I stared at Carlisle with wide eyes, wondering if I had somehow misunderstood

him. He had just told me that I deserved to hear the full story. About Edward? Did
that mean I was about to find out everything about his past? I gulped, feeling a
chill travel down my spine. Suddenly I was terrified.
While a part of me wanted - needed - to know, in order to understand Edward
better and be able to help him, I was also afraid of what knowing the truth would
do to me. Would I be able to handle it? Could I actually sit here and listen to the
horrifying details of what Edward had been through, without falling apart?
I honestly didnt know.
Carlisle must have sensed my distress, because his eyes turned sympathetic.
Bella, I will not go into detail. Im not going to sit here and discuss the abuse
Edward has suffered by the hand of that pitiful excuse for a man. To tell the truth,
even I dont know everything, and even if I did, it wouldnt be my story to tell.
I frowned. But you said-
Yes, he cut me off, his eyes darkening. There are certain things I think you
need to know, and Im going to do my best to explain. A pause. Has Edward
ever told you about how he came to live with us? When I shook my head, he
started explaining, Almost seven years ago, I was offered the opportunity to work
a couple of months at a hospital in Chicago. I accepted right away.
Wow. Thats... I hesitated, ...pretty far away. I couldnt help but wonder what
could possibly make anyone leave his wife and children to go working thousands
of miles away, even if it was just temporarily.
It is, he agreed. In my defense, I was not in a good place back then, and I felt
like I needed to get away for a while. It seemed like a wise decision at the time,
and Esme agreed. There was a pause. Anyway, I went to Chicago. And one
night, a couple of weeks after I started working there, Edward was brought in.
I held my breath. Carlisle looked away as he continued, If I said he was in a bad
shape, it would be a huge understatement. One of the first things you learn in
medical school is never to get personally attached to your patients. It was a rule I
lived by, until that night.
He went on in a hollow, monotone voice, Even if the police hadnt been involved,
you could tell by the number and extent of his injuries that he hadnt been hurt by
accident. There were old scars, all over his back and chest. And his face...
Carlisle closed his eyes. Well, it didnt take long for us to figure out that a family

member was behind it. And then the police showed up, confirming our
suspicions.
My eyes were stinging, but - surprisingly enough - dry. What about... his
mother? The last part came out as a whisper.
But apparently Carlisle heard me, as his eyes turned to me. Has he ever
mentioned her?
I bit my lip, and nodded. Just briefly. He told me her name, but that was pretty
much it.
Carlisle was quiet for a moment. Have you ever heard the term PPD? Postpartum
depression? It did sound familiar, like I had heard it somewhere, possibly in
school. But I wasnt sure of the meaning. So I shook my head.
He explained, Its a form of clinical depression that can affect women after giving
birth. It sometimes makes them unable to connect with the baby. Edwards birth
mother - Elizabeth - was medically treated for PPD about a month after he was
born. He paused. Over the next four years, she went in and out for treatment.
And every time, they sent her back home after a few days.
What happened after the four years? I had a sinking feeling I already knew, but I
had to ask.
Carlisles face turned grim. She met a man. A couple of months later, she was
married. A beat. And apparently, somewhere along the way, she stopped taking
her medication.
I suddenly felt like I was going to be sick. According to Carlisle, Edwards mother
had married James when he was four years old. Did that mean he had been beaten
and abused for seven years? My bottom lip started to tremble. Please, tell me
he... I stopped and covered my mouth with my hand, unable to continue.
Somehow, Carlisle seemed to understand what I couldnt bring myself to ask out
loud. I cant tell you whether Elizabeths husband became abusive right away, or
if it started when Edward got older. Because I dont know. He took a deep breath.
Esme and I have both tried to get some more information out of Edward over the
years, as have the therapists he has been seeing. But...
I opened my mouth, but he went on, quietly, From what he has shared with us and its not much - Ive gotten the impression that he doesnt really remember how
or when it all started.

At the mention of therapists, I suddenly recalled something Edward had told me

the other day. I asked him about therapy. I kept my eyes on my hands, folded in
my lap. He said you and Esme were hoping the shrinks would cure him, but that
it didnt work. Carlisles eyes widened slightly. Did you know he blames
himself for what happened? I sniffled, glancing at him.
We suspected as much. He let out a shuddering breath. When he was younger,
he was terrified of doing something wrong. It could be something as simple as
accidentally spilling a glass of milk. He would... Carlisle swallowed, his Adams
apple bobbing. He would panic and start repeating that he was bad, pleading with
us not to punish him.
A choked sob escaped my throat. I dont know if I can take anymore of this, I
whispered.
I dont blame you for finding this information upsetting, Carlisle told me softly.
I feel the same way. We all do. He looked me right in the eyes. Lets go back to
how Edward ended up in our care. I nodded, watching him expectantly.
It took almost three days before Elizabeth finally showed up at the hospital. And
it was obvious from the start that she was more upset about being questioned by
the police than by her sons condition. He sighed. Naturally, Social Services got
involved. I had been spending the last two days with Edward, and I cant really
explain it, but I instantly felt a connection of some kind. So when they started
talking about foster care, I volunteered.
Foster care? I was confused. But I thought Edward was adopted.
He is, Carlisle confirmed. But not right away. These things take time. Elizabeth
was never a problem, though. He shook his head, angrily. She wouldve gladly
signed the adoption papers right away. In fact, she seemed relieved when she
found out Edward wasnt coming home with her. I think, deep down, she realized
she wasnt capable of caring for a child. She completely lacked empathy, and
could only see to his basic physical needs, not the psychological.
What does that mean? I felt like I should understand, but I didnt.
It means that while she was able to provide him with basic supplies, like food and
clothes, she couldnt show him any kind of love or compassion. Its not
uncommon when you suffer from PPD, but with proper medication and treatment,
it wouldve been possible for her to keep the balance, act like a mother and protect
her child. Carlisles eyes darkened. Then a lot of damage wouldve been

avoided.
I felt sick to my stomach. Are you saying she knew what her husband was doing
to Edward?
The pain in Carlisles eyes was more than obvious. She denied any knowledge at
first. But then it came out. She was well aware. I asked Edward about it once, a
few years back. His voice was thick as he continued, He said she would
sometimes come stand in the doorway, watching. And then she would leave.
Squeezing my eyes shut, I started sobbing, silently. Carlisle went on, quietly, The
court put a restraining order on her, but I seriously doubt she wouldve tried
contacting him. He shook his head. Edward didnt speak much during his stay at
the hospital, but he did ask me once if his mother was coming. A beat. I couldnt
bring myself to tell him she had already been there, and didnt even ask to see
him.
I wiped at my eyes, thinking that Edwards anxiety and trust issues started to make
more and more sense. My head was starting to hurt, but I tried to ignore it. Where
is she now?
Shes still living in Chicago. I waited for him to elaborate, but he didnt. It didnt
matter, though. Truth be told, as long as she stayed the hell away from Edward, I
wasnt really interested in her whereabouts.
A part of me didnt want to hear anymore, but there was still one thing I didnt
understand. What happened before in the kitchen? Ive seen Edward have panic
attacks before, but never anything like this. Why did he... freak out like that?
Im sure youve already discovered that Edward can be somewhat... Carlisle
hesitated a little, ...emotionally unstable, and he cant always control his temper.
Its not his fault. He suffers from post-traumatic stress disorder - or PTSD - which
is not unusual when it comes to abuse victims.
My eyes widened - this was news to me. Id heard about PTSD, and was
somewhat familiar with the concept, but for some reason, I hadnt made the
connection with Edward. But as I thought about it, the pieces were falling into
place. But thats treatable, right? I mean, surely there has to be something you can
give him to make it better?
He sighed. Yes, and no. There are ways to ease the symptoms - by medication. In
fact, weve tried, several times over the years. But I had to take him off every
time, because in the long run, it didnt really help him. Medical treatment alone

isnt enough. What Edward needs is love, support and therapy. Unfortunately, he
has always been unresponsive to all of the above. Its like he wont allow himself
to move on.
Realizing he was right, I felt my heart sink. Are you saying theres nothing we
can do to help him?
Carlisle shook his head. Bella, dont you see? You are helping him. Probably a lot
more than you realize. For the first time, I see a change in him. I dont know how
to explain it, but its like hes finally found a reason to start living - he just doesnt
know how. And thats where you come in.
I frowned. Im not sure I understand.
He smiled, softly. Youre doing just fine, Bella. Just keep doing what youve
done so far - be there for him. A pause. And give him a chance to be there for
you, as well. He must have seen my confusion, because he explained, He needs
you, theres no question about it. But when youre in a relationship, its important
to feel that youre not only taking, but also giving something back.
I nodded, seeing his point. In theory, I agreed. In all honesty, there were things I
really wanted to share with Edward - like how I felt about going back to Phoenix but I was reluctant, because I felt he had enough to deal with without adding my
petty problems to the mix. But then again, maybe that should be up to Edward to
decide.
Maybe I wasnt giving him enough credit. Carlisle was right; I should give
Edward a chance to be there for me. Yeah, I see what you mean. I tried to
suppress a yawn, but failed.
Youre tired. He gave me an sympathetic look. I dont blame you. Its been
quite an eventful afternoon, and I realize this is a lot of information for you to
process. He paused. You are most welcome to stay the night, by the way.
I really wanted to accept his offer, but I hesitated. Um, Id love to, but Im not
sure Charlie would agree to me sleeping here two nights in a row. His expression
turned into one of confusion. My eyes widened and I blushed furiously when I
realized he didnt know Edward had asked me to spend the night tomorrow. Talk
about taking Carlisles hospitality for granted. I cringed with embarrassment.
Luckily, Carlisle wasnt stupid, nor was he easily offended. I see. Well, you can
always come by tomorrow morning if youd like. Youre always welcome here,
Bella. And Im sure Alice would love to spend some time with you as well.

I bit my lip. Actually, I was hoping to get to talk to Alice a bit tonight, before I go
home. To tell the truth, I didnt really feel like just going home after everything
that had happened, and if I knew Alice right, she would need someone - aside from
her family - to talk to as well.
Oh. He nodded in understanding. Of course, Im sure shed like that. However,
before you go see her, there is still one more thing I believe you should be aware
of. After a brief moment of silence, he went on, As for the incident in the
kitchen, there were a few things that triggered Edwards breakdown. One of them
was - obviously - his fear of hospitals. I remained silent, waiting for him to
continue.
A moment later, he did, Its related to him staying in one for about a week, after
he was taken away from his home, almost seven years ago. It was a traumatic
experience for him. He sighed. And as for today, Im afraid Im a part of the
reason he hurt himself in the first place. I blinked in confusion, and he clarified,
By bringing up the possibility of him involuntarily scaring you away with his
blowups.
Why would you tell him something like that? I stared at him in shock. I could
never leave Edward for something thats not even his fault! Lowering my eyes, I
added, quietly, I would never leave him, period.
I believe you. Carlisle let out another sigh. But Edward needs to learn that his
actions will have consequences. Lashing out at the people who are trying to help
may be a natural defense mechanism - and a somewhat understandable reaction but its not healthy in the long run, and more importantly, its not fair to those who
repeatedly get exposed to his anger. In this case, his family - and you.
Right. In a way, I could understand what he meant. But it still bothered me to
think of Edward actually believing there was even the slightest possibility of me
walking out on him after everything we had been through together. It just wouldnt
happen, and I wanted him to know that. I made a mental note to talk to him about
it as soon as I got the chance.
Five minutes later, I knocked softly on Alices door. Alice? Can I come in?
The door swung open. Bella? I thought you went home. Alice tried to smile,
although it didnt quite reach her eyes. All traces of her usual energy and
enthusiasm were gone. For some reason, that bothered me more than I liked to
admit. She took a step back, gesturing for me to enter. Hows Edward? Is he
okay?

Um, yeah. I hesitated. Well, hes better, anyway. We went to the hospital, and
Carlisle patched him up. Hes asleep now. She nodded in understanding, looking
relieved. I walked into the room. What about you, Alice? Are you okay? Im so
sorry about the sleep-over.
I wasnt sure what I had been expecting, but I was unprepared for her reaction. Her
eyes narrowed, and she suddenly looked angry. Do you really believe I care about
that, Bella? I mean, my brother was brought to the hospital, just hours ago, and
you think Im upset about missing a sleep-over? God, how superficial do you think
I am?
Alice went on before I got the chance to object, Sure, I suppose I can be a bit
shallow sometimes, but Im not completely heartless. Its not like Im... like Im...
she threw her arms in the air in frustration, ...Rosalie!
A little stunned by her outburst, I now frowned. What does Rosalie have to do
with any of this?
Well, nothing, I guess. Alice let out a bitter laugh, although she seemed to have
calmed down a little. Except that Emmett only broke up with her in the first place
because she was being disrespectful towards Edward. And I havent even talked to
her in weeks. She used to be my friend, and I really liked her. Hell, I still miss her.
But I cant be friends with someone who treats my family badly.
I just stared at her, my mouth hanging wide open, because I had no idea how to
respond to this revelation.
Rosalie had avoided me like the plague, ever since I told her off for her cruel and
thoughtless comment in the cafeteria, all those weeks ago. I had noticed that she
had stopped coming to their house, and I couldnt even remember when I last saw
her hanging out with Alice at school. But I didnt realize they had severed the ties
completely. After all, Alice and Rosalie had been pretty close.
Yeah... She shrugged at my reaction. Guess you didnt think Emmett and I
cared. Well, youre wrong.
What? No! I raised my hands in defense, my cheeks turning hot. Alice, I never
said-
She cut me off, sighing, God, Bella, Im sorry. Im just kinda sad right now, I
dont mean to take it out on you. Forget I said anything.

I waved her apology off. Its okay. But really, Alice, I never meant to imply that
you dont care about Edward. I know you do. She nodded, and I could tell my
words had placated her. I hesitated a little. Were you serious about Emmett
breaking up with Rosalie because of what she said about Edward? Alice nodded
again. Wow. I hadnt seen that coming.
Look, Im really glad you were here before. Alice walked over to the bed and sat
down. She let out a gust of air. And Im sorry for turning into a bitch. Its
wonderful that you and Edward have become so close, really. I just... She looked
away. I guess I just feel a bit hurt. I mean, hes obviously comfortable with you.
But Ive known Edward for years. Why wont he talk to me? What am I doing
wrong?
My eyes widened in surprise at her words, because I had no idea Alice felt like
that. I wrung my hands, awkwardly. I dont think its because of you, Alice. Its
just hard for him to let other people in.
But Im not other people, Alice protested. Im his sister.
I know. I sat down next to her. Just dont give up, okay? He needs you, whether
hes aware of it or not. She gave me a grateful smile. I yawned, and glanced at
my watch. It was getting late. I should probably go home. Rain check on the
sleep-over? I really want us to hang out more. I realized I actually meant it.
Sure. Alice eyed me hopefully. Hey, maybe we could do something tomorrow. I
know youre supposed to spend the night with Edward, but I thought maybe we
could just have lunch or something... Her voice trailed off, uncertainly.
I quickly nodded. Yeah, Id like that. How about I come over after breakfast?
Then we can decide what to do.
Sounds like a plan! She clapped her hands together, and for the first time since I
stepped into the room, Alice sounded like her old self.

Chapter 48
EPOV
When I woke up the next morning, I felt groggy and slightly disoriented, but at
least my hand didnt hurt as much as it had yesterday. I remained in bed for a

couple of more minutes, carefully moving my arm up and down to see if the
movement would cause the blinding pain to return. Thankfully, it didnt.
Casting a look at the alarm clock, I did a double take when the red digital numbers
told me I had been sleeping for almost fifteen hours. I struggled to get up without
using my injured hand, swinging my legs over the edge of the bed, and shook my
head in a weak attempt to clear it.
I didnt want to think about yesterdays events, but the memories came crashing
over me and wouldnt leave me alone. Talking to Carlisle in the kitchen. Freaking
out and punching the wall. Pain. Darkness.
Bella.
I recalled Bellas calm, soft voice, anchoring me and keeping me from drifting
away completely, somehow bringing me back to the present. And after that, she
hadnt left my side - not only had she gone to the hospital with me, holding my
hand the entire time, but she also returned to the house with us afterwards, only to
end up holding me as I fell asleep.
Now I couldnt help but feel a small pang of loss. Not that I had actually expected
her to spend the whole night here in my room - I figured she would have to go
home at some point, but that didnt change the fact that I felt like a part of myself
was missing when she wasnt around.
Suddenly I remembered Carlisle telling me he wanted to talk to Bella, and I felt a
wave of uneasiness come over me. How much had he told her? And more
importantly, what had she been thinking? For a moment, I contemplated giving her
a call, but the coward in me decided against it.
To tell the truth, I was terrified of finding out how their conversation had played
out. And at the same time, I knew it was too exhausting to keep parts of my past
from Bella; constantly waiting for her to ask something I didnt know how to
answer. Constantly worrying about her reaction. I was fucking fed up with it all.
Somewhat reluctantly, I got out of bed. Seeing how I had fallen asleep in my
clothes last night, I decided to head straight to the bathroom - not that I was
completely sure how to shower with just one usable hand, but I figured I would
just have to improvise. I grabbed some clean boxers from my drawer, a pair of
jeans and t-shirt from the closet, and left the room.
Ten minutes later, I made my way down the stairs. The door to the kitchen was
open, and I could hear voices coming from inside. I was about to enter, but

stopped myself as I heard my name being mentioned. A part of me felt bad for
eavesdropping, but I just couldnt help myself. Wanting to know what I had been
about to walk into, I made sure to stay out of sight.
Its out of the question, Carlisle, Esme stated in a trembling voice. You cant be
serious about us still going to Seattle after what happened yesterday.
I admit, that was my first reaction as well, Carlisle told her patiently. But Ive
given it some thought, and I think maybe we should just go as planned. I dont
want Edward to feel like hes the one keeping us from going, and believe me, I
wouldnt even consider leaving the kids if I didnt think they could handle it.
But what if something else happens and were not here? Esme protested. I
wouldnt be able to relax for a minute.
I heard Carlisle let out a sigh. But youve been looking forward to this event for
weeks.
Do you think I actually care about that? Esme sounded incredulous. There will
always be the next time. Besides, Edward is much more important to me than any
charity event.
I never suggested otherwise. There was a hint of irritation in Carlisles voice.
Dont you think I feel the same-
You know, you could always just ask me, instead of arguing about me behind my
back, I spoke up from the doorway, having heard enough. Carlisle and Esme both
spun around to face me, the same guilty expression mirroring their features. I
rolled my eyes and entered the kitchen, stepping past them and heading for the
fridge.
Carlisle cleared his throat. Good morning, Edward. How are you feeling today?
Im fine. I raised my bandaged hand for him to see. Barely hurts at all. There
was a plate with leftover pizza in the fridge and I grabbed a slice, somehow
resisting the urge to shove the whole thing into my mouth. I was fucking starving.
Let me heat that up for you, Esme offered, but I shook my head and took a large
bite, too hungry to wait another second. I felt like I hadnt eaten in a week. Picking
up the whole plate, I closed the fridge and walked over to the table. Cold pizza had
never seemed very appealing to me before, but right now, it tasted amazing. Then
again, I probably couldve devoured just about anything in that moment.

Placing a cup of coffee on the table in front of me, Esme then sat down as well. I
nodded in thanks, and she gave me a small smile. She hesitated a little before she
spoke up, We didnt mean to make it seem like we were talking about you behind
your back, sweetie. We were just... she glanced at Carlisle, ...discussing our
options for the weekend.
You dont have to stay home on my account. I took a sip of my coffee,
grimacing as the hot beverage burned my tongue. Honestly, I didnt see what it
was to discuss. They were all packed and ready to go. Not to mention that the
thought of them canceling their plans because of me was beyond humiliating. Ill
try not to punch another hole in the wall, I added sarcastically, putting the cup
down.
Esme opened her mouth, but Carlisle beat her to it, Edward, when I asked how
you were feeling today, I wasnt just referring to your hand. You had quite a
traumatic experience yesterday, and you are fully entitled to feel a bit off today. No
one would blame you.
I just shrugged uncomfortably, keeping my eyes on what was left of the pizza slice
in my hand.
He sighed, but continued, After you went to sleep, I spoke with Bella, and... he
glanced at me as my eyes shot to his face, clearly pleased to have my attention,
...it came to my understanding that she is set on spending the night here. Am I
correct to assume it was you and not Alice who invited her?
My first reaction was relief - whatever had been said between him and Bella last
night, it looked like she still wanted to come over tonight. I nodded, somewhat
warily.
Well, Bella can still come, of course, even if were not going, Esme assured me
softly. Shes always welcome here. I honestly didnt know what she was hoping
for me to say - that I was perfectly all right with them leaving, or that I wanted
them to stay.
Edward? Carlisle saved me from having to respond to Esmes statement. How
do you feel about this? Now its important that youre being honest. We dont have
to go to Seattle. Just say the word and well stay - none of us will be upset. What
Esme said is true; you mean a lot more to us than this trip. I glanced at Esme,
who nodded in agreement.
I felt a lump in my throat at his words, because I could tell they were being
sincere. The familiar feeling of doubt and guilt threatened to well up inside me,

and I could hear the little voice inside my head, whispering that I didnt deserve
their kindness. But for once, I made an honest attempt to ignore it. You should
go, I told them awkwardly. Ill be okay. Really. And I meant it.
Carlisle and Esme looked at each other, clearly still torn. Bella will be here,
Carlisle stated, as if trying to convince Esme it would be all right.
Well, in that case... Esme cleared her throat. While I admit that makes me feel a
bit better, I would still like to discuss sleeping arrangements. She cast an
uncertain look at me. I just looked at her blankly, not understanding where she was
going with this. Obviously seeing my confusion, she added, What I want to know
is, where is Bella going to sleep? In the guestroom, or...?
My eyes widened as realization finally hit me. She was wondering if Bella would
be sleeping in my room. To tell the truth, I hadnt even given it a moments
thought. Naturally, I wanted her to stay with me. But in that case, should I make
the couch for her? Or should I offer her my bed, and sleep on the couch myself?
Or...?
Bella and I had been in the same bed together and fallen asleep before, the other
day at her house. But the thing was - we had just been on the bed at the time, on
top of the covers, both of us fully dressed. This would be different. Now we would
actually have to get ready for bed, and get under the covers.
Im sure Edward and Bella are fully capable of working out an arrangement they
will both be comfortable with, Carlisle said calmly, snapping me out of my
thoughts before the panic could set in. He gave Esme a pointed look, and I let out
the breath I had been holding.
Yes, Im sure youre right. I couldnt quite read Esmes expression, but judging
by her strained voice, I got the feeling she was a bit annoyed with Carlisle. She
turned to me, her face softening. Im sorry, Edward, I dont mean to give you the
third degree. I was just wondering. Im sure whatever you and Bella decide will be
fine.
Before I got the chance to respond, Alice came rushing into the kitchen.
Morning! Bellas on her way. I told her she could have breakfast with us. She
came to a halt when she spotted me. Oh, hey Edward. Are you-
Fine, I cut her off, unable to hide my impatience. Bellas coming here? Now?
Uh-huh. She gave me a somewhat uncertain look. We were just gonna hang out
for a couple of hours. You dont mind, do you?

I frowned, thinking this was not the same Alice who had firmly informed me she
and Bella were going to have a girls night only yesterday. It was like she
suddenly lacked her usual confidence, and I found myself actually feeling bad for
her. After all, she had missed her sleep-over last night because of me. I sighed.
No, I dont mind. Why would I? She immediately perked up.
As Alice all but skipped over to the fridge, I turned my attention back to my
breakfast - if you could really call leftover pizza breakfast. The next ten minutes or
so were spent in a comfortable silence. When the doorbell rang, Alice and I
jumped up at the same time. Then I stopped myself, remembering that Bella was
actually here to see Alice, not me.
Seeing my hesitation, Alice rolled her eyes in a goodhearted manner. Go, she
said, waving her hand towards the door as she patiently sat back down.
I raised a brow in surprise, although she didnt have to tell me twice. Thanks. I
tried not to stumble over my own feet in my eager to leave the room.
Bella was standing out on the porch, and her face lit up when she saw me. Hi,
she greeted me softly, giving me an almost shy smile as she entered the house.
After a brief moments hesitation, she took a step towards me, and I automatically
walked right into her embrace, wrapping my arms around her and resting my
cheek at the top of her head.
She let out a content sigh, and we just stood like that for a while, holding each
other. Then she pulled back a little, her eyes searching mine. How are you? Did
you sleep okay? Im sorry I couldnt be there when you woke up.
I didnt think twice before brushing my lips gently against hers. Dont worry
about it. Im okay. Slept the entire night, and then some.
Thats good. You needed it. Bella bit her lip. Edward-
Thank you, I interrupted her, looking her right in the eyes. For, you know... I
shrugged and lowered my eyes, only to look up when I felt Bellas warm hand on
my cheek.
She gave me a sad smile. Edward, you dont have to thank me. Ill always be
there for you. Dont you know that by now?
Yeah, Im starting to see that. I tried to smile, although it came out more like a
grimace. Still not used to the idea, though. Have patience with me?

Always. Her lips found mine again, and I responded by simply squeezing her
tighter.
Finally I pulled back, although most reluctantly. Alice is waiting for you in the
kitchen, I muttered regretfully, wishing I could just keep Bella in my arms all day.
We'd better go.
Do we have to? There was a playful note in her voice, although I had a feeling
she was only half joking. It made me feel all warm inside to realize Bella was
enjoying our moment just as much as I did. Well, hopefully, there would be more
time for cuddling tonight. Unless she was having second thoughts.
You havent changed your mind about spending the night here, have you? I
asked, not able to keep the fear completely out of my voice. No matter how much I
tried convincing myself I had nothing to worry about when it came to Bella, I
suppose a part of me would always subconsciously assume the worst.
Bella shook her head. Of course not. She blushed, adding in a soft voice,
Actually, I can hardly wait.
My smile of relief turned into a wide grin, and I reached for her hand. Come on,
before Alice comes looking for you. She snorted, but allowed me to lead her into
the kitchen.
Bella! Alice waved and smiled excitedly when we entered the room. I just rolled
my eyes and returned to the table. Picking up my half empty cup, I realized my
coffee had become cold, and put it back down with a sigh.
Is there any coffee left? I asked, casting a hopeful look towards the coffee
maker.
At least half a pot, if Im not mistaken, Carlisle responded, reaching for my cup.
Before I got the chance to tell him I could get it myself, he was up, his hand
resting briefly on my shoulder as he passed me. When he stopped by the coffee
maker, he glanced at me, and I could tell he was searching my face for my
reaction. I knew then that he hadnt just touched me by accident - he was testing
the water.
I had frozen and automatically opened my mouth to snap at him, but something
made me stop, and I closed my mouth again. Somehow, Carlisles touch didnt
bother me like it used to, and I suddenly couldnt see the point in telling him off.
So I just picked up another slice of pizza, and tried focusing on eating. Thankfully,

it seemed like no one else had noticed.

Esme offered Bella a glass of orange juice and some toast, and she gratefully
accepted, sitting down next to me and giving me a smile. I caught Alices eyes
darting between me and Bella. However, she didnt appear to be upset. Still, I
chose to ignore her.
So, Bella, what do you wanna do after breakfast? Alice pushed her half empty
bowl of cereal away, and turned to Bella with a hopeful look on her face. Go
shopping?
Bellas smile faltered a little, and she picked up her glass. Um, no? She let out a
nervous laugh. Cant we just do something that doesnt require a lot of walking?
Its still early, and Im a little tired. How about we just... she thought quickly,
...go back to my place? Charlies not home. We could watch a movie or
something, you know, just hang out.
Alice looked thoughtful for a moment, then nodded in acceptance. Yeah, okay.
Id like that. They kept talking but I had stopped listening, instead reaching for
the morning paper, although I wasnt really interested in reading it. I had no idea
what I was going to do to pass the time until Bella returned, and I was already
getting restless.
When Alice and Bella finally got up, announcing that they were leaving, I looked
up from the article I was skimming through and tossed the paper to the side. Ill
walk you out, I told Bella quietly, giving Alice a look that dared her to object. But
she just shrugged, saying she was going to run upstairs anyway and get her jacket.
If I didnt know better, Id say she wanted to give me and Bella a moment of
privacy.
Once we were outside, Bella and I slowly walked towards her truck that was
parked in the driveway. I gave the rusty, old monstrosity a skeptical look. Sure it
wont break down on the way back?
She mock glared at me. Yes, Im sure. Ill have you know, I havent had a
problem with it for weeks.
Right. I wasnt totally convinced, but decided to let it go, and changed the
subject, So, what do you wanna do tonight?
Bella bit her lip, clearly considering my question. I dont know. Hang out? Talk?
She smiled. Maybe eat ice-cream? Oh, and cookies! Her smile turned into a

grin. Before I could respond, Alice came running, calling out that she was ready.
Bella gave me a quick peck on the lips. Gotta go. See you later! And then she
was gone.
As I made my way back to the house, I suddenly got an idea. Not only would it
keep me occupied for a couple of hours, and hopefully keep my mind off some of
the things Id rather not think about, but it would also show Bella how much she
meant to me.

Chapter 49
BPOV
So, how do you feel about going to Arizona next weekend? Alice eyed me
carefully before she went back to rummaging through my CD cases.
Honestly? I grimaced, slumping back against the pillows on my bed. I really
dont want to go. But its not like I have any choice.
Alice turned to look at me over her shoulder. You always have a choice, Bella. At
the end of the day, youre the only one who can decide how to live your life.
Did you read that somewhere, or did you just make it up? I teased. Alice
snorted, but didnt comment. I sobered up. I know; no ones actually forcing me
to go. But Phil is expecting me to come, and I dont want to hurt his feelings.
Besides... I lowered my eyes. I feel like I owe it to my mom.
She nodded in understanding, her eyes sympathetic. It will be hard for you, going
back there. It wasnt a question.
Yeah, well... I shrugged, putting on a brave smile. Im sure I can handle it. I
mean, it still hurts when I think of her, but it gets easier each day. I was a mess in
the beginning, but Im better now. Hey, I barely even get headaches anymore. It
was true, I hadnt had to take any painkillers for over a week.
Thats great, Bella, but... Alice hesitated a little. Look, I dont mean to be a
downer, but youve had a lot of other things on your mind lately, keeping you
occupied. Now youre going away for a couple of days, and its all bound to come
back to you.

I sighed, suppressing the urge to roll my eyes, because I knew she was right, I just
didnt want to think about it. Gee, thanks for being supportive, Alice.
Look, Im just saying... Alice looked me right in the eyes, Im not going to
pretend I know exactly how you feel, but I can imagine. She paused. When I
was twelve, I nearly lost my mom. There was... an accident. Alice swallowed.
She almost didnt make it.
My eyes widened and I stared at her in shock. Oh my God, I had no idea. Alice,
Im so sorry. What happened?
Alice was quiet for a moment. It was dark, and she didnt watch where she was
going. She... fell, and landed very badly. She walked over to my bookshelf,
avoiding my eyes as she absently ran her fingers over the covers of one of my
books. The point is, I thought she was going to die. Ill never forget how scared I
was. But at least shes okay now. She glanced at me.
I could see where Alice was going with this. She wasnt stupid - she knew my
brave act was just a facade. I bit my lip, fighting back the tears threatening to well
up. Look, Im not saying Im over the loss of my mom. I dont think I ever will
be. Im not okay with this, Alice. Im scared of going back to Phoenix, because
everything will be different. She wont be there. A tear trickled down my cheek.
I know, Bella, and Im sorry. Alice looked about to tear up as well. No one can
blame you for feeling that way. But I think youre doing the right thing by going.
You need closure. Im sure Phil understands. You cant be strong all the time. She
reached for my hand and gave it a squeeze.
Holding back a sigh, I nodded in agreement. Those were wise words, but so hard
to live up to. I wiped the tear away. Actually, thats not the only reason I dont
want to go, I admitted, quietly.
No kidding? Alice rolled her eyes, and I could tell by the tone of her voice that
she was trying to lighten the mood. I was wondering when this would come up.
She shook her head at my blank expression. You worry about how Edward will
manage without you.
I blushed. Well, yeah. But its not just that. Im going to miss him so much. The
truth was, the thought of being apart from Edward - even just for a few days made my heart ache. It physically hurt, and I hadnt even left yet. And I didnt
even want to think about how Edward felt about it. I knew we needed to talk, and
tonight was a good opportunity.

Suddenly I felt really bad for the turn our conversation had taken. I wanted to have
a good time with Alice today, and I definitely hadnt intended to make us both
depressed. What she told me about Esme had shaken me badly, and even though
Alice had quickly changed the subject, I realized her revelation must have brought
back a lot of painful memories.
But it just felt so good to finally allow myself to talk to someone about my fears
and insecurities, to let it all out. And it seemed like Alice understood me. Now I
gave her an apologetic look. Im sorry, Alice, we dont have to talk about this.
Im a horrible friend. We were supposed to be having fun today, and now look at
us.
Says who? Alice smiled sadly. Bella, Ive missed hanging out with you, and I
was really looking forward to us spending some time together today. But theres
more to friendship than just having fun. If you need to talk - about anything - Im
here for you. You dont have to apologize. Everybody needs to vent their feelings
sometimes. Just go on, Im listening.
I swallowed, thinking that Alice was a much better friend than I deserved. I knew I
had neglected her lately, and I just wanted to make it up to her. Still, here she was,
offering her selfless support. She truly was an amazing friend, and I was lucky to
have her. Thank you, I mumbled, all of the sudden too ashamed to meet her
eyes.
So... Alice watched me expectantly. Youll miss Edward. I think its safe to say
hell miss you too. But itll just be for a couple of days, right? I nodded. Well,
have you told him how you feel about this?
No. But I will, I hurried to add. Its just... I worried my bottom lip between my
teeth. This is going to sound really stupid, but Ive been avoiding talking to
Edward about my fears of going back to Phoenix, because I dont want to bother
him with my petty problems.
Alice walked over to the bed and sat down, a frown on her face. Youre right - it
does sound stupid. I opened my mouth, but she went on, Think about it, Bella.
Youre always there for Edward, showing him again and again that he can trust
you. But you need to trust him as well. Trust that hell be able to support you, just
like you support him. Thats how a healthy relationship works. Have a little faith
in him.
I gave her a surprised look, remembering how Carlisle had said almost exactly the
same thing. They were both right, I realized now. I shouldnt have to walk on
eggshells around Edward all the time, nor should I keep things from him in fear

that he wouldnt be able to handle it. It was patronizing, not to mention downright
insulting.
I hear you, Alice. Youre absolutely right. I let out a sigh. I guess Edward and I
will have a lot to talk about tonight.
Itll be okay. Alice gave me an assuring smile. I do understand your concern,
but you cant shelter Edward from everything. Its not fair to either of you. Lean
on him a little for a change. He can take it. I think itll be good for both of you.
I nodded in agreement. For a moment, we just sat there in silence. Then Alice sat
straight up on the bed, and I could see a hint of the familiar excitement in her eyes.
Hey, you said I could do your nails! I know the perfect color for you. She
glanced at my feet. In fact, why dont I just give you a pedicure as well? I happen
to have everything I need, right here in my bag. Let me show you!
OoO
EPOV
All right... Esme took a deep breath and handed me a folded piece of paper.
Heres the number to the hotel where well be staying tonight. Your brother and
sister have it as well, in case you lose it. And youre absolutely certain you have
the numbers to both our cellphones? She started to sound more and more nervous
by each word.
Esme, you know hes got our phone numbers - hes had them for years, Carlisle
told her patiently, then paused and gave me an expectant look. Right?
I held back a sigh and nodded in agreement, pulling out the cellphone from my
pocket and holding it out towards him. Yes, I have your numbers. Wanna check
for yourself, just to make sure? I didnt mean to be sarcastic - much.
Esme actually made a motion to reach for my phone, but Carlisle put his hand on
her arm to stop her. No, its okay, we trust you. I rolled my eyes, not sure
whether to be annoyed or touched by their obvious concern.
Now remember, you can call us at any time. Esme sounded like she was on the
verge of tears. I nodded and forced a smile.

Carlisle cleared his throat. Wed better go, dear. She nodded in acceptance, but
her eyes were still on me.
Ill be fine, I told her, feeling a strange urge to assure her. Her bottom lip
quivered, but she tried to smile.
Of course you will. And dont hesitate to call if you need us. Well be back
tomorrow night. After a moments hesitation, Carlisle then placed his hand
briefly on my arm, all the while looking straight into my eyes. I tensed up a little,
but didnt pull away.
After last night at the hospital, he had started touching me more and more
frequently. His hand would brush carefully against my arm, or rest on my
shoulder, although never too long, just for a second or so. And to my surprise - as
well as Carlisles, I figured - I was okay with it. Of course, I would lie if I said I
was totally comfortable with the contact, but at least the panic would stay away.
Now I felt Esmes eyes on me. Her expression was a mixture of sadness and
longing, although she remained silent. Her words from the other day - how she
wished she could give me a hug - rang in my head, and I suddenly felt bad for her.
In that moment, I wished more than ever that I could just be normal, that I could
give her what she wanted.
Esme... My throat felt dry and I swallowed. She was standing merely a few feet
away from me; all I had to do was take a step forward and put my arms around
her, but somehow, my feet seemed frozen at the spot and I couldnt bring myself to
move. Have a safe trip, I offered weakly, hating myself for being so fucking
pathetic.
Thanks, sweetie. Well call as soon as weve checked in at the hotel. And well
see you tomorrow. Esme then reached out her hand towards mine, very carefully,
only to stop herself before she made contact. I had been holding my breath, but
when she let her hand drop with a dejected look on her face, I honestly didnt
know whether to be relieved or disappointed.
Five minutes later, they were gone.
I remained up in my room for a while, contemplating what to do next. Alice was
still at Bellas, and it would most likely be another couple of hours before they
would show up. While a part of me couldnt wait to see Bella again, I supposed it
was just as well that she wasnt around, because I didnt want her to find out what
I was planning before I was done.

When I asked Bella what she wanted to do tonight, she had told me - among other
things - that she wanted to eat ice-cream and cookies. I was pretty sure we had
plenty of ice-cream in the freezer - of course I would have to check, just to be on
the safe side - but I had decided I would try to make cookies myself. Hopefully
she would appreciate it, and I figured it couldnt be all that hard.
Well, it turned out I was wrong.
Having no idea what kind of cookies to make, I went downstairs and started
rummaging through Esmes cookbooks, relieved beyond words that no one was
around to see me. It didnt take long before I found a recipe for some kind of
peanut butter cookies, looking so easy that even I should be able to make them. I
happened to know Bella loved peanut butter, so that worked out just fine.
Checking the fridge and the cupboards, I was pleased to realize we already had
everything I needed. However, as I started mixing the shit together - which was a
lot harder than I had expected with a bandaged hand - I noticed the cookie dough
wouldnt get pasty and stick together; it remained dry and mealy no matter how
long I went on mixing the fucking ingredients.
Finally I gave up, cursing angrily to myself. According to the book, I was
supposed to shape little round balls of the cookie dough, but it didnt take a genius
to figure out I wouldnt be able to shape anything with that grainy substance.
Instead I grabbed a spoon from the kitchen drawer, and used it to form small piles
of dough directly on the baking tray.
Then I put the tray in the oven and hoped for a miracle.
The book said to take the cookies out of the oven after twelve minutes. Eight
minutes later, I felt the smell of something burning. Rushing over to the oven in
panic, I grabbed an oven mit and quickly pulled out the tray, dumping it on the
kitchen counter. Then I took a closer look at my creation.
There was a picture in the book, showing a large plate of perfectly round, flat,
golden brown cookies. It was safe to say there was absolutely no resemblance to
the shapeless things on the baking tray, most of them all but burned to a crisp.
Fucking stupid piece of crap! I yelled, picking up the cookbook and hurling it at
the wall.
Hey, whats that smell? Emmett asked from the doorway, causing me to jump
and spin around. He took a step into the room, his eyes widening as he took in the
mess I had made in the kitchen. Dude, what are you doing? he asked then,
somewhat nervously. He probably thought I had finally lost it completely. If I

wasnt so pissed off, I might have found the situation amusing.

What the fuck does it look like Im doing? I growled, glaring at him. Im
fucking baking!
Youre what? Emmett stared at me like I had grown a second head. Then he
shook his head, as if to clear it, and very carefully made his way across the room,
never taking his eyes off me. He stopped by the kitchen counter where I had put
down the tray, and looked at the cookies with a skeptical expression. Then he
glanced at me. No offense, but they look a wee bit... over-baked.
Closing my eyes, I clenched my fists and silently counted to ten. It didnt help,
though, I was still pissed. Emmett cleared his throat and stepped away from the
counter. Um, dont bite my head off for asking, but why the sudden interest in...
baking? He said baking like it was a foreign word.
Its supposed to be for Bella, I told him between gritted teeth, throwing a hateful
look at the tray.
Really? Emmett raised a brow. I thought you liked her. He must have seen
how my eyes darkened, because he instantly raised his hands in surrender. Im
kidding! Seriously, they look great. Im sure shell love them.
I rolled my eyes - he was a horrible liar. Fucking bullshit.
Yeah... Emmett hesitated for a moment. Hey, look, not all of the cookies are
burned. Some actually look... edible. You can still give the good ones to Bella.
Right. I snorted. Thats a great idea, Im sure shell be thrilled. Look, Bella,
heres three cookies that Ive made all by myself. Fucking enjoy!
He chuckled. Well, aside from the fucking enjoy part, she might actually
appreciate the gesture. I glared at him, not even dignifying his comment with an
answer. He let out a sigh. Why are you even doing this in the first place?
That was a good question. I shouldve known I would just screw things up as
usual. Bella wanted cookies, I muttered, wishing Emmett would just drop it and
leave me alone.
Uh-huh. He crossed his arms over his chest. But Im sure she didnt expect you
to make them from scratch. Why dont you just buy some at the store?
Because I wanted to fucking make them myself, I told him heatedly. A part of

me wanted nothing more than to just tell him to fuck off.

Oh, okay, um... Emmett looked thoughtful for a moment. Hey, Ive got it! I
watched in confusion as he hurried over to one of the cupboards. A moment later,
he turned around with a triumphant look on his face, holding up a small jar filled
with rainbow colored sprinkles. Just put some of this on the cookies, and shell
never notice theyre burned. Bet theyll taste better as well.
I gave him an incredulous look. Are you fucking serious? I cant give Bella
burned cookies with fucking sprinkles!
His face fell. Why not?
Well, for one thing, Im not a six-year-old girl, I grumbled.
Fine. He shrugged, looking slightly offended. Then I guess youll just have to
go to the store. He paused. Ill give you a ride if you want. Was planning to go
anyway and buy some snacks for tonight. Unlike you and Alice, Ill be spending
the evening all alone up in my room, so Ill be needing a lot of sugar and greasy
stuff to get myself through the night. He let out a dry chuckle.
I opened my mouth to turn him down, but stopped myself as his words started to
sink in. If I didnt know better, Id say there had been an almost wistful note in his
voice. That was when it hit me that both Alice and I were in a relationship, and
Emmett was not. For the first time ever, it seemed like I had something for him to
be envious of. It was a very strange, almost alien thought.
Somehow, the revelation made me feel both good and bad at the same time. Good
for myself, and bad for him. Because I knew - all too well - what it was like to be
alone.
Contemplating my options for a moment, I then surprised both of us by accepting
his offer.

Chapter 50
EPOV
Know what you should do? Emmett grabbed a bag of Cheetos and put it down
in his shopping basket, pausing for a second before reaching for a second bag, and

throwing it in the basket as well. Then he turned to me and continued, like I had
actually shown any interest in his opinion, Make Bella dinner, like I suggested
the other day. Light a few candles, put on some music. Chicks love that sort of
crap.
I rolled my eyes, wondering why he was being so helpful all of a sudden. Ever
since we had arrived at the grocery store, I had followed him quietly as he strode
through the aisles, picking up various items from the shelves. Every now and then,
he would make a comment, or give me some kind of advice - that I hadnt asked
for - on how to impress Bella.
Clearly not put out by my lack of enthusiasm, he went on, Just make it simple.
Theres no need to go overboard; its the thought that counts. A pause. Of
course, if you play your cards right, youll have Bella wrapped around your little
finger in no time. Hell, shell be all over you before dessert! He chuckled.
His words came as a cold shower and I froze in my tracks, although Emmett didnt
seem to notice. In fact, he kept walking several steps before he realized I had
stopped in the middle of the aisle. Finally coming to a halt as well, he gave me a
look of confusion. What?
Im not fucking doing this to get Bella all over me! I all but spat at him,
clenching my good fist. Emmett raised a brow, eying me skeptically. He opened
his mouth to say something, but I suppose he must have seen something in my
expression, because instead of objecting, he just shrugged and mumbled an
apology.
Then he turned his attention back to his shopping, making no attempt to talk to me
again for the next couple of minutes. To tell the truth, I didnt know whether to be
relieved or bothered by his silence. Once again, I was reminded by the fact that I
was a freak who couldnt function like a normal person.
Too distracted by my troubled thoughts, I wasnt paying attention to where I was
going, and almost walked right into Emmett, having not noticed that he had
stopped. As I looked around, I realized we were in the section of baked goods. I
glanced at him, and he gave me an expectant look, nodding wordlessly towards the
shelves filled with biscuits and cookies.
I could tell he was still annoyed, and I couldnt really blame him. Taking a deep
breath, I decided to try to placate him by starting a conversation. So, any
suggestions what kind of cookies I should get?
Emmett looked more than a little taken aback by my sudden question, having

clearly not expected me to ask for his opinion. To his credit, he quickly recovered,
his eyes running thoughtfully over the shelves. Then he chose a packet of
chocolate chip cookies, holding it up so I could see. If theres one thing Ive
learned about girls, it is that you can never go wrong with chocolate.
Having come to the same conclusion - at least when it came to Bella - I shrugged
in acceptance and took the packet from him. Emmett hesitated for a moment, then
picked up another one just the same, with the words, Second thought, I think Ill
just grab one for myself as well. I shook my head at the sight of his already
overflowing basket, but didnt comment.
Picking up a few more things, we then headed for the checkout counter. The
tension seemed to have eased a little, for which I found myself actually being
grateful. Once we were back in the car, Emmett cast a careful look in my direction.
Look, I wasnt really serious before. I didnt mean to insinuate that you would
have any hidden motives for doing something nice for Bella.
I held back a sigh, realizing he was being sincere. Much to my relief, he seemed to
have misinterpreted my reaction before, thinking I had just gotten upset with him
for implying I was using Bella to... what, exactly? Get into her pants? The thought
was absolutely ridiculous, but then again, Emmett couldnt know that.
However, the relief quickly got replaced by shock as he cleared his throat and
went on, So, I assume you two havent... you know...? My eyes widened at his
words, and I stared at him in alarm. You know... slept together? he clarified,
although there was a sudden hint of uncertainty in his voice, as if it just hit him
that he might be out of line.
In that moment, I was very glad I was not the one behind the wheel, because I
wouldve probably ended up on the wrong side of the road, most likely causing an
accident of some kind. Instead I squeezed my eyes shut, willing the panic to stay
away. No way in hell was I having this fucking discussion with Emmett.
When I opened my eyes again, I saw how Emmetts eyes darting between me and
the road. His fingers were gripping the steering wheel tightly, and he appeared to
be nervous. Are you okay? he asked in a strained voice. Merely grunting in
agreement, I took a couple of deep breaths, stubbornly turning my head to stare
out the window.
I figured he wished he wouldve never gotten into the car with me in the first
place. Well, that made two of us. Because I couldnt remember when I had last felt
this uncomfortable. We spent the rest of the drive home in silence, thankfully, it
didnt take long before we were back in our driveway. Mumbling a quick thanks

for the ride, I then all but rushed out of the car, eager to get away.
Hey, wait up! Emmett called out after me, and while a part of me just wanted to
ignore him, I reluctantly turned around to face him. He hesitated a little. Are we
cool? he asked then, sounding nothing like his usual confident self. He suddenly
reminded me of Alice this morning, when she had practically asked for my
permission to hang out with Bella.
While a part of me couldnt understand why any of them would care about my
opinion, it occurred to me in that moment that they actually did. And if I wasnt so
fucked up, I might have been able to appreciate it. Now I just felt beyond guilty.
The truth was, I had been mostly annoyed by Emmetts presence today - like most
days - and now I suddenly saw the situation through his eyes.
He had been trying, again and again. And I had just given him rude and snarky
remarks in return. Of course, it wasnt just today. I found myself wondering why
he would still bother. He should just go back to treating me with the same lack of
respect that he had in the past, because that was how I treated him. I didnt deserve
anything else.
Im sorry, I mumbled, forcing myself to meet Emmetts eyes. Im an ass - you
should know that by now. Just do yourself a favor, and dont fucking bother.
Before he got the chance to object - or agree - I spun around and hurried inside,
not looking back once, because I didnt want to see the look on his face.
Finally alone up in my room, I slumped down on the bed, leaning back against the
pillows and staring up at the ceiling. As much as I wanted to yell, curse and break
things - for reasons I wasnt completely sure of myself - I found that I didnt have
enough energy at the moment. Instead I simply laid there, wishing I could just go
to sleep.
I must have dozed off at some point, because the next thing I knew, I was startled
awake by the buzzing sound of my phone. It was Bella, and she sounded slightly
out of breath. Hi, Edward. What are you doing?
Hey. Nothing much, just... resting. I sat up with a grimace, shaking my head to
clear it. Hearing Bellas voice relaxed me, as always, although I still felt somewhat
uneasy, not able to completely drop the incident in the car.
Oh, good, so youre home then. Bella sounded relieved. I just called to make
sure. Im right outside. She was still talking as I jumped up from the bed and left
my room, but I wasnt paying much attention anymore. My girl was here, and
while I enjoyed talking to her, I would much rather hold her. Taking the stairs two

steps at a time, I swung the front door open less than a minute later.
Bella was standing out on the porch with an over-night bag flung over her
shoulder, and a soft smile appeared on her face when she saw me. She giggled as I
instantly swept her into my arms, hugging her close and resting my cheek against
the top of her head. Her arms immediately slid around my waist, and we just stood
like that for a minute. In that moment, everything was perfect.
Then she pulled back a little, studying my face, and her smile faded. Baby, whats
wrong? I didnt miss the sudden concern in her voice.
Nothing. I sighed and took a step back, allowing her to enter. The look she gave
me told me she didnt believe me for a second, but she stepped inside and put her
bag down on the floor. I opened my mouth, about to offer to carry it up to my
room, but then I remembered that Bella and I had never really discussed where she
would be sleeping. I couldnt just assume she wanted to sleep with me.
Not sleep with me! Just sleep. In my room. Fuck! I blamed Emmett for throwing
me off balance, making me think in terms that were completely out of character
for me.
Edward? She tilted her head to the side, watching me closely.
I shrugged, somewhat awkwardly. Any chance you can just accept the fact that
Ive been having a bad day, and leave it at that?
Um, no. Bella shook her head. Then she bit her lip. I thought things were fine
this morning. Did something happen? What did you do after I left?
Shrugging again, I made my way over to the couch, knowing she would follow.
Went to the store with Emmett. Other than that, not much. I was too
embarrassed to tell her about the fucking cookie fiasco. It was bad enough that
Emmett knew.
Bellas eyes narrowed suspiciously when I mentioned Emmetts name. Did you
and Emmett get into a fight or something? Did he do-
He didnt do anything, I cut her off, feeling a strange urge to defend Emmett,
although I couldnt for the life of me figure out why. Its me, all right? Its always
me. Just drop it. Her face fell, and while I hadnt even raised my voice, I felt like
I might as well have slapped her. Bella just wanted me to talk to her, and here I
was pushing her away again, just like I had promised myself I wouldnt.

Taking a deep breath, I reached out to gently tuck a strand of hair behind her ear.
Im sorry, baby, I didnt mean to snap at you. I meant it when I said I was having
a bad day, but things are looking up now that youre here. I missed you. I wanted
to kiss her so badly, but I forced myself to remain still and wait to see how she
would react to my words.
Her reaction was nothing like I had expected.
Swallowing hard, Bella looked at me with wide eyes. Then her bottom lip
quivered, but luckily, she spoke up before I could panic and wonder what I had
done wrong. You called me baby, she whispered, sounding completely
astonished.
I frowned, realizing she was right. The word had just slipped out of my mouth,
feeling completely natural. Bella would say things like that to me all the time, but
now it occurred to me that while I had come to accept her endearments - just as her
rare declarations of love - I had never once returned them.
Until now, that was.
Um, sorry? It came out as a question, and as soon as I saw the look of confusion
on Bellas face, I wished I could take it back. I grabbed her wrist, as if to prevent
her from getting up and leave. Forget I said that, Im not sorry. You dont mind,
do you? I heard the uncertainty in my voice, and silently berated myself for being
so pathetic.
Actually... Bella snapped me out of my thoughts as she spoke up, tentatively.
She blushed. You can call me baby anytime. In fact, you can call me whatever
you want. She glanced at me, and I got a strange feeling of deja vu, like wed
already had this conversation before. Then I realized we had, a few weeks ago at
the meadow, only then the discussion had been about what she could call me.

But... Bella swallowed, suddenly not wanting to meet my eyes. Are you saying
you didnt mind when I called you... she took a deep breath and rushed the word
out, ...honey?
Mind? I shook my head, incredulously. You can call me whatever you want, I
managed to get out in a somewhat shaky voice.
She was quiet for a moment. When she spoke up again, her voice was barely more
than a whisper, What if I wanted to call you... my boyfriend?

I lowered my eyes, trying to hide a grin, because while I had nearly freaked out at
the time, her words now made me feel all warm inside. What if I want to call you
my girlfriend?
She giggled, and the sound was like music to me. I am your girlfriend, silly.
Words couldnt describe how good it felt to hear her say that. All of a sudden, I
could barely remember why I had been in a bad mood only minutes ago.
I know. I raised my head and our eyes met. It just hit me that I dont say it often
enough. Bellas smile widened, and I cupped her cheek. Youre my girlfriend.
M-hm, she agreed softly, leaning into my touch. And youre my boyfriend.
Oh my God, Jazz, look at them! Arent they just adorable?
Bella and I both jumped at the sound of Alices voice, coming from the doorway.
Bellas face turned bright red, but to my surprise - and relief - she didnt pull away
from me. If anything, she merely snuggled closer, practically melting into my side.
Normally I wouldve told Alice to fuck off, but I found that - with my girl so close
to me - not even her presence could put a damper on my mood.
I supposed there was a first time for everything.
Alice... Jasper cleared his throat, giving me and Bella an apologetic look. Lets
just leave them alone. I had to admit that he just scored a few points in my book.
Having expected Alice to object, I was surprised when her smile immediately
faded and her expression turned alarmed. Im sorry, we were just... She
hesitated. Really, we didnt mean to disturb you guys. Well just get out of your
way. Grabbing Jasper by the arm, she all but dragged him towards the stairs.
Bella was clearly as surprised as I was by Alices strange behavior, because she
stared after her and finally called out, Hey, who are you and what have you done
to Alice?
I heard Jasper chuckle quietly, but Alice froze in her tracks and turned to look at us
over her shoulder. If I didnt know better, Id say she looked guilty. I just dont
want to impose, she mumbled.
Thats never bothered you before, I pointed out without thinking, feeling a bit

bad when I saw the brief look of hurt on her face. I mean... I started, but she put
on a brave smile and waved her hand in dismissal.
No, youre right, I know I can be a pain in the ass sometimes. But Im working
on it. She gave me a sheepish grin. I raised my brow skeptically, but decided not
to say anything, just in case she was serious. If she could make an effort, I figured
that so should I.
As Alice and Jasper disappeared up the stairs, I turned to Bella. Are you hungry?
I can make you a grilled cheese or something. I figured that was something I
would be able to make without screwing up. It wasnt dinner - Emmets words
about making dinner for Bella kept ringing in my head - but I figured it could pass
as a late lunch. We could always order a pizza later.
She smiled sweetly at me. Sure, that sounds great.
We entered the kitchen together, and I headed straight for the fridge, telling Bella
to just make herself comfortable. Of course, she immediately objected, No, Ill
help. What do you She stopped herself. Hey, whats that?
I frowned and followed her gaze to the kitchen counter, only to let out a groan as I
realized I had forgotten to throw away the fucking cookies. Oh, fuck, you werent
supposed to see that, I mumbled, beyond embarrassed as I rushed over to grab the
baking tray. Feeling her curious eyes on me, I felt the need to explain, Its just
a failed experiment. Dont worry, I wont attempt to do it again.
Glancing at Bella, I noticed how a smile started to spread on her face. Edward?
Are you saying you?
You said you wanted fucking cookies, I defended myself weakly. I thought I-
I was cut off as Bella slid her arms around my neck and pressed her lips gently
against mine.

Chapter 51
BPOV
When I realized Edward had actually attempted to make me cookies, I practically
melted on the spot. It was the sweetest thing anyone had ever done for me, and it

didnt matter that most of them were burned - I would gladly eat every single one
of them to show him how much the gesture meant to me.
I kissed him tenderly - putting as much love and affection in the kiss that I could
muster - and was beyond happy when his lips instantly parted, allowing me access
to his mouth. Not too long ago, he wouldve hesitated, maybe even pulled away.
But that was not the case anymore, and I was so proud of him.
Finally I had to pull back, the lack of air starting to make me dizzy. Or maybe it
was just my reaction to the kiss. I smiled shyly and rested my cheek against
Edwards chest, knowing the love and adoration I felt for him in that moment had
to be written all over my face. I cant believe you did that, I told him
breathlessly, enjoying the steady rhythm of his heart.
He shrugged, and while he was obviously embarrassed, I could tell he was also
pleased by my reaction. Me neither, he admitted, his fingers playing tenderly
with my hair. I pulled back, giving him a somewhat amused look, and he let out a
nervous chuckle. What?
Youre adorable. The words were out of my mouth before I even realized I had
spoken, and I blushed. Seeing his skeptical expression, I hurried to add, And I
mean that in a manly way, of course. He snorted, but didnt comment. I had come
to learn that Edward had a hard time accepting compliments, but that wasnt going
to stop me. He would just have to get used to it.
The truth was, everything about Edward fascinated me. There wasnt a part of him
that I didnt love, and then I didnt even take his extreme beauty into account.
Before I met him, I didnt think it was possible to feel so strongly for another
person, especially not after just a few months. But I was wrong.
Hell, I even found the way he used the word fuck in every other sentence
endearing.
Now I folded my arms across my chest, eying him expectantly and gesturing
towards the cookies. So, are you saying you werent even going to tell me about
this? Im hurt. He looked a little worried for a moment, but when I smiled to let
him know I wasnt really serious, he visibly relaxed.
I reached out towards the baking tray, but Edward grabbed my hand to stop me, an
uncertain smile playing on his lips. What are you doing? You cant eat those.
But I want to, I objected, picking up a cookie from the tray.

Before I could put it in my mouth, Edward snatched it out of my hand, rolling his
eyes. Stop it, thats fucking disgusting. I bought you other cookies from the store,
Ill get you one thats not burned to a fucking crisp.
I pouted and stubbornly shook my head, secretly enjoying our playful banter. No,
I want yours. You made them for me. Come on, just let me taste one. Not all of
them are burned.
He let out a snort. You sound like Emmett. He actually suggested I put fucking
sprinkles on them so you wouldnt notice how bad they look.
Are you serious? I burst out giggling, then, as the meaning of his words started
to sink in, I sobered up and gave him a questioning look. You said something
before about you and Emmett going to the store together. Does this mean things
are better between you two?
He just shrugged, his expression turning gloomy. A part of me wished he could
have seen the look on Emmetts face last night here in the kitchen. Then there
would be no doubt in Edwards mind that his brother cared about him. I bit my lip.
Do you want to talk about it?
Edward sighed. Not sure theres much to talk about. Hes trying to be nice. I treat
him like crap. End of fucking story.
Oh. I was more than a little surprised by his brutal honesty. Hesitating a little, I
then asked, Whys that?
He frowned. Whys what?
Why do you treat him like crap? I clarified, glancing at him as I was half
expecting an outburst. But I hoped he would realize that I wasnt accusing him, I
was merely curious. Besides, those were his words, not mine.
To my relief, Edward appeared to be more surprised than upset by my question. II dont know, he mumbled, having clearly not expected me to confront him. I
guess I just... He shrugged uncomfortably and lowered his eyes.
He didnt need to finish, because in that moment, I knew exactly why he was
doing it, even if he didnt quite understand it himself. I realized why Edward was
so hostile towards his family most of the time. It was the same reason why he had
repeatedly pushed me away when we first met. He was afraid of letting them in.
They were his family, and they obviously loved him. But Edward couldnt fully

trust them, because his other family had hurt him in the past, in the worst possible
way.
Emmett broke up with Rosalie because he didnt like the way she was talking
about you. I held my breath, knowing it was a reckless and dangerous statement,
because it wasnt my story to tell. Alice had told me this in confidence, and I had
no right to just blurt it out like this to Edward. But to be honest, it almost
frightened me how little I actually cared in that moment.
I just needed Edward to realize that he was important to Emmett and that some
families actually could be trusted, the Cullens being one of them.
Edward blinked, staring at me in shock. What did you just say? I opened my
mouth, but he went on before I could say anything, No. Thats fucking bullshit,
Emmett would never... His voice trailed off.
Its true. I looked him right in the eyes. Maybe I shouldnt have said anything,
but-
Youre right - you shouldnt have. I jumped and spun around, my eyes widening
as I saw Emmett standing in the doorway, arms crossed over his chest. Know
what your problem is, Bella? Your heart may be in the right place, but youre just
so concerned about doing the right thing, you dont care how many people you
step on to get there.
My cheeks flushed and I lowered my eyes in shame, wondering how long he had
been standing there. I knew I couldnt blame Emmett for being upset with me, but
I hadnt meant any harm. He was partly right - I wanted to do the right thing, and
to me, the right thing was to do whatever I could to help Edward. But I didnt want
to hurt anyone else in the process.
Dont fucking talk to her like that, Edward warned, glaring at Emmett. He shook
his head in exasperation. Just tell her its not true. Emmett remained silent, and
Edwards eyes narrowed. You have got to be fucking kidding me! he then
exclaimed, incredulously.
Emmett let out a tired sigh. All right, look, Im only going to say this once. It was
my decision to break things off with Rose, and yes, her attitude towards you was
my main reason. He cast a brief look at me before turning back to Edward. I
dont expect you to understand, or even care. But just so you know, I dont regret
it. Hell, Id do the same thing again if I had to. Because family comes first.
Suddenly feeling like I was imposing on a private moment, I considered excusing

myself and leaving the room. But seeing how I - for obvious reasons - wasnt in
Emmetts good graces at the moment, I decided I didnt want to risk making things
worse by speaking up and drawing more attention to myself. So I remained where
I was, trying to just be quiet and blend into the background.
And, of course, observe Edwards reaction to his brothers statement. I found
myself holding my breath.
Edward stayed quiet for a moment, watching Emmett with a skeptical expression
as he clearly didnt know what to think. Then I saw him swallow before finally
asking, quietly, So, what the fuck do you expect me to do? Say thank you? Take
pleasure in the fact that Im to blame for your ruined relationship?
No. Emmett shook his head. If I wanted a thank you, dont you think Id
already have said something? And if anyones to blame for this, its Rosalie - not
you. I could tell Edward wasnt convinced, but he remained silent. Emmett rolled
his eyes. Can we just drop this? I dont really feel like discussing my personal life
at the moment, even though I realize theres not much to discuss. He glanced at
me again.
I felt horrible. Look, Emmett, Im sorry. I didnt mean to-
Dont, he cut me off, sighing. Maybe Im overreacting. I like you, Bella.
Really. I just think... Never mind. He shrugged, and I knew he would have said
something more if Edward hadnt been around. Instead he just walked over to the
fridge, grabbed a soda and then left the room, leaving me and Edward to look after
him.
Edward spoke up first, his voice thick with disbelief, Why would he do
something like that?
I suspected he wasnt really expecting me to answer, but I did anyway, He just
told you why. Youre family. Families are important. He just shook his head. I
hesitated. Edward, do you- He raised a hand to stop me, and I gave him a
questioning look.
Ill get started on the sandwiches, he told me as he went to open one of the
cupboards, grabbing a loaf of white bread. Then he turned away from me and
started to butter two slices of bread with deep concentration, the message being
painfully clear: we were not having that particular discussion now.
Holding back a sigh, I told myself he wasnt really shutting me out, he just didnt
want to talk about it here where we could be interrupted at any moment, Emmett

being a living proof of that. So I decided to let it go for now, and - in an attempt to
lighten the mood - picked up one of the least burned cookies from the tray and
popped it into my mouth. You know, these arent bad, I told him around my
chewing.
He looked at me over his shoulder, his eyes narrowing for a moment, and then he
rolled his eyes. You never give up, do you?
Nope. I ran my tongue across my upper lip to catch a few crumbs, only to stop
when I noticed he was watching me intently. Suddenly feeling a little selfconscious, I let out a nervous laugh. What?
Nothing. Edward quickly shook his head and went back to his task, cutting thick
slices of Cheddar cheese and adding to the sandwiches.
Ten minutes later, we were up in Edwards room, sitting on his small couch and
munching on grilled cheese sandwiches - which I had to say tasted amazing. When
I told him that, he just shrugged, clearly a little uncomfortable by the praise, but at
the same time appearing to be secretly pleased by my approval of his culinary
skills.
When we were finished eating, I pushed my empty plate away and slumped back
into the couch with a contented sigh. Edward threw a curious look in my direction,
and I smiled. Im full.
He raised a brow and revealed a packet of chocolate chip cookies that he had
somehow kept hidden until now. So, youve got no room for these, then. Thats
too bad. Ill just put them away.
No! Grinning widely, I made a motion to grab the packet, but he held it out of
my reach. I wasnt used to this playful side of him, but I loved it. Theres always
room for cookies, I stated. Give me!
Edward chuckled, opened the packet and held it out to me. However, I was feeling
bold at the moment, so instead of taking it from him, I simply opened my mouth
expectantly. His eyes widened slightly, but to his credit, he didnt back down. As
he offered me one of the cookies, I took a small bite, closing my eyes as the
chocolate melted on my tongue. Mm, I sighed. Still think I prefer yours,
though.
His expression turned puzzled. Why do you say that? And I cant believe you
actually ate one. It had to taste fucking awful.

You made them for me, I told him in explanation, repeating my words from
before. Nothing you would do for me could ever be awful. He gave me a
skeptical look, but then his face softened. For a minute or so, we just sat there in
silence. Finally I spoke up again, softly, You do realize we need to talk, right?
He nodded. So...
Bella, Im not good at this. Edward sighed. I know there are plenty of things
you want us to talk about tonight, and in a way, I do too. I just dont know where
to start.
Well... I glanced at him. Would it be easier if I just picked a subject?
He grimaced. Dont know if easier is the right word, but what the hell. Go
ahead.
Okay. I considered my options very thoroughly. A part of me really wanted to
continue the conversation we had started in the kitchen, about his family. But then
I remembered my talk with Alice this morning, about how I needed to let Edward
be there for me. I took a deep breath. I want to talk about my trip to Phoenix.
Edward looked surprised for a moment, but quickly covered up. Oh. Yeah, okay.
I, uh... He hesitated, clearly unsure of what to say. I couldnt blame him. We
hadnt really talked about this, not since yesterday morning - although it felt more
like a lifetime ago - when I had first mentioned that I was leaving.
I dont really feel like going, I now admitted, quietly. Edwards eyes turned
concerned, but he remained silent, waiting for me to go on. I sighed, deciding to
just be honest, because he deserved nothing less from me. Im scared of going
back there, because my mom will be gone. Im scared of facing Phil. I
swallowed. And I dont want to be away from you, even if its just for a few
days.
I held my breath, waiting to see how he would react to my confession.
I dont want to be away from you, either, he responded immediately, and my
heart swelled with relief and happiness. Then his eyes narrowed suspiciously, and
it was obvious that he had to struggle to keep his voice casual, Why are you
scared of facing Phil?
My heart sank, because I knew what he was thinking, even though I also knew he
would never admit it. I had told him over and over again that Phil was a good guy,
that he would never hurt me on purpose. And yet there was a part of Edward that
couldnt fully take it in. I wondered if the day would ever come when he wouldnt

automatically assume the worst of people.

More than anything, I wished I could kill James for destroying Edwards ability to
trust other people. If the bastard was here, I would gladly tear him apart with my
bare hands. And for once, my strong hatred didnt bother me. I wanted the man
dead. But first I wanted him to suffer. Badly.
As I snuggled up against Edward, he instantly put his arms around me. It was a
gesture of comfort, and I suspected it was for himself as much as for me. I put my
head down on his shoulder and slid my arm across his chest before finally
speaking up, Im scared because he will be sad, and I dont know how to deal
with his grief. I feel like I have enough with my own, and then I feel guilty for
thinking like that.
Edward was quiet for a moment, absently running his fingers through my hair. It
was soothing, and I felt myself relax. I dont know much about that kind of
grief, he then admitted. But maybe it wont be as bad as you think. I mean, yeah,
so maybe he will be sad. But wouldnt that be a good thing? That means he still
loves your mother, right? He gave me an uncertain look.
Contemplating his words, I knew Edward was right. I wanted Phil to mourn the
loss of Renee for as long as I did, which would most likely be forever. I guess, I
mumbled in response, turning my head up so I could look at him. I wish you
could come with me.
The moment the words were out of my mouth, I knew it was the truth. I wouldnt
feel half as anxious about going back to Phoenix if I only knew Edward would be
right there by my side. Then anything would be bearable, including dealing with
the death of my mother.
Edward blinked in surprise, clearly taken aback by my words. Um, yeah, well...
he shrugged and looked away, and when he didnt say anything more, I felt a sting
of disappointment. Not that I really expected Charlie to agree to let Edward
accompany me halfway across the country without adult supervision, but still, his
obvious discomfort at my suggestion hurt a little.
Never mind, I muttered, feeling pretty stupid for bringing it up. I wasnt really
serious.
He looked at me with a dubious expression, clearly not sure what to think. Id go
with you if I could, he finally stated quietly, and I felt my heart beating faster. Did
he mean it? I was afraid to ask.

Then I found myself wondering what he meant by if I could. Carlisle and Esme
wouldnt let you go?
Edward shrugged again, awkwardly. Doubt it. But even if theyd agree, I
couldnt... He lowered his eyes and let his hand drop from my hair.
Why not? I swallowed hard. You said you didnt want to be away from me.
He shook his head, still refusing to meet my eyes. I dont. A beat. Fuck! All
right, just give me a moment. Ill try to explain.
I nodded in agreement, and waited.

Chapter 52
EPOV
At first I was relieved when Bella told me she wanted to discuss her upcoming trip
to Phoenix. Not that I was happy she was leaving in less than a week, but I figured
it was a safe enough subject to talk about. And when she started ticking off her
fears, I felt that for once - maybe - I would be able to offer her some kind of
support and comfort.
Her anxiety about going back there to see her stepfather came as a surprise to me I had no idea she felt like that. Then it hit me that I had never really bothered to
ask. Needless to say, I felt like an ass. Bella was always so attentive to my feelings
and emotions; nothing went by her. She didn't even have to ask if I was having a
bad day, she had a way of reading me like a book.
And whenever I was feeling down, she would do anything in her power to make it
better. I wanted to do the same thing for her. But how could I, when I was too busy
dwelling in my own misery to even notice something was wrong? I really was a
piss-poor excuse for a boyfriend. Bella deserved so much better.
But the thing was, she didn't want better'. She wanted me. I had a feeling I would
never truly understand why, but nonetheless, I would always be grateful beyond
words. It was like she saw something in me that I couldn't, and I would do just
about anything to find out what it was.
When Bella hinted that she would like me to come with her, it took a moment for

her words to sink in. It seemed like an innocent comment, but my mind started
wandering. What if Icould go to Arizona with her? Then we wouldn't have to be
apart, and - more importantly - I could be there for her, like she was always there
for me when I needed her.
Of course, it didn't take long for reality to come crashing down. I could never
travel across the country like that, not even for Bella. The mere thought of getting
on a plane made my stomach turn, and I knew I wouldn't be able to offer her any
comfort, nor support, in the state I would be in.
Embarrassing as it may be to admit to Bella how weak and pathetic I was - as if
she wasn't already aware - I knew I had to come clean. Because I couldn't stand
the idea of her thinking I didn't want to spend every single moment of my time in
her presence. I just didn't know how to start.
Finally I took a deep breath. "I can't come with you, because I wouldn't be able to
get on the fucking plane." There, I had said it.
Bella frowned. "Are you afraid of flying? A lot of people are. That's nothing to be
ashamed of."
Shaking my head, I thought if only it was that simple. "It's not about flying, per se.
It's the thought of being trapped. And there would be too many people, I can't..." I
felt myself starting to shiver.
"Oh." Bella immediately reached for my hand, and I grabbed it like a lifeline. "It's
okay, I understand. But..." She bit her lip. "This may sound like a really stupid
question, but if you can't stand crowded places, how do you manage to go to
school every day?"
A part of me couldn't believe we were actually having this conversation, and that I
was fine with it. Or maybe fine' was a bit of an overstatement, but at least I didn't
feel completely overwhelmed by panic. It amazed me how much things had
changed since I started to realize that Bella really wasn't going anywhere, despite
my past.
"It's not a stupid question," I told her, now running my thumb over her knuckles
and enjoying the feeling of her smooth skin against mine. I kept my eyes on our
entwined hands as I went on, "Back in Chicago, school was..." I hesitated,
searching for the right words, "...well, let's just say it was better being there than at
home."
She nodded in understanding. "And here in Forks?"

I let out a gust of air, recalling when I had first come to live with Carlisle and
Esme and was forced to start a new school. It was much smaller than my old one
back in Chicago, but it didn't matter. It had taken months before I was finally able
to stay in school for the entire day, attending all of my classes without any
incidents. Or episodes, as Carlisle would so nicely put it whenever one of my
teachers contacted him, at home or at work, and he had to explain my behavior. I
still remembered the shame and humiliation I felt when he or Esme had to come
pick me up. It didn't take long before my classmates started avoiding me like the
plague, terrified of doing or saying something that would set me off in one way or
another.
"Pretty much sucked at first," I admitted with a grimace. "But it's okay now. I
manage, as long as I avoid the fucking cafeteria." Then I shrugged awkwardly and
added, "And Carlisle made it so I don't have to attend Gym class."
Bella squeezed my hand, but remained silent, waiting for me to continue. I sighed,
wishing I knew how to explain. It was hard, seeing how I had never really talked
to anyone about this before. "Something changed," I finally mumbled, "after I...
got away."
"From Chicago?" Bella asked, softly.
I swallowed, shaking my head. "From him. James." My throat suddenly felt very
dry, so I picked up my half empty glass of ice tea and downed what was left of the
sweet beverage in two large gulps. It didn't help. Bella watched me, but didn't say
anything. I put the glass back down after realizing I was squeezing it so hard I was
afraid it might break.
"I didn't..." My voice cracked, and I inhaled shakily before starting over, "I didn't
always have a problem with crowded places. At least I don't remember it bothering
me before. Not until..."
There were voices everywhere, screaming, or at least that's how it seemed like to
me. I didn't recognize any of them, and I couldn't see any of the faces they
belonged to. There wasn't a single part of me that didn't hurt, and it was painfully
hard to breathe. I wanted to move, to run, but I couldn't get my body to obey.
I didn't realize I was crying until I heard myself sobbing, desperately trying to
scramble backwards, but someone was holding on to me, preventing me from
escaping. "Just calm down," a female voice ordered close to my ear, before
starting to shout something about stronger sedation.

"We're just going to help you," another voice said, and then there was a strong
hand on my arm. I let out a whimper and tried to pull away, but I was too weak,
and it seemed like the more I struggled, the deeper the fingers would dig into my
skin.
Yet another voice spoke from somewhere above my head. The noise just wouldn't
stop, and when I felt another hand touching me, this time on my shoulder, I finally
gave up fighting. I didn't have any energy left, and there was just no point,
anyway. So I somehow forced myself to shut the voices out. And all there was left
was a merciful silence.
It was the feeling of Bella's fingers, gently brushing over my cheek that snapped
me out of my memories and brought me back to the present. I raised my head,
finding myself looking into Bella's sympathetic eyes. Raking my fingers agitatedly
through my hair, I noticed how my hands were shaking.
"Edward..." Bella started, softly. "Are you-"
"I'm fine," I cut her off. She could tell I was lying, obviously, but thankfully, she
didn't push.
Instead she just scooted closer to me and snuggled up in my arms. "Go on," she
whispered, an encouraging note in her voice.
In all honesty, I didn't want to go on. We were supposed to be talking about her,
and her fears about going to Phoenix. And yet, somehow, it always came back to
the same thing - me, and my fucked up issues. It wasn't fair to Bella, but she never
once complained, and I figured I owed it to her to tell her what she wanted to hear.
So I reluctantly obeyed and started from the beginning, telling her about that final
night I spent with James and my mother in the small apartment back in Chicago what I remembered of it, anyway - before I woke up, disoriented and beaten
beyond recognition, almost twelve hours later at the hospital.
My heart sank as soon as I stepped through the door and saw him sitting straight
up on the lumpy old couch, his hands gripping the edge of the table in front of him
so tightly that his knuckles were turning white. I counted at least half a dozen beer
bottles around him, some of them on the table, the rest scattered over the floor.
Although I made an effort to close the door behind me as quietly as I could, I still
must have made some kind of sound, because his head immediately shot up and

his cold eyes turned in my direction. If possible, his face darkened even more. "Get
over here," he slurred, his voice low and menacing.
I gulped, but did as I was told, not daring to object. He was obviously in a bad
mood already, and I knew it wouldn't take much to make things even worse. With
any luck, he would be appeased by my obedience, and let me get away easy this
time.
Of course, I wouldn't get my hopes up, knowing from experience that luck was
rarely on my side.
Grabbing one of the bottles and taking a large swig, James then got up from the
couch, his eyes never leaving mine. As he was towering above me, I involuntarily
shrank back. The reek of alcohol was making me nauseous, but I forced myself to
remain where I was, terrified of doing something that would add to his anger.
"I still don't know what pissed him off in the first place," I muttered bitterly,
unable to bring myself to look at Bella as I kept revealing the events of that fateful
night. "Not that it would've made any difference." It was true. I had never known
what I did wrong, and even when James would take the time to explain - or, to be
more accurate, yell out his accusations - it didn't make much sense to me.
Then again, just because I didn't understand, it didn't mean I wouldn't take his
word for it. James said I had done something bad, so who was I to question him? I
remember him telling me once that the only thing I was good at was screwing up.
And I never doubted him.
But that night, he went too far. Even I realized that. Barely conscious at the time, I
could still hear my mother's loud protests as she was screaming at someone to let
go of her husband. It wasn't until later that I found out it had been the cops,
coming to arrest James and take him away, once and for all.
It turned out one of the neighbors had heard shouting, and called the police. The
walls had been thin, and yet, that was the only time anyone had ever reacted. It
probably saved my life.
I didn't see either him or my mother again after that night, nor did I ever return to
the apartment. That night was the last time James ever punished me. Almost seven
years had passed, but I still remembered parts of it like it happened yesterday. My
strongest memory was the way his eyes looked when he got tired of using his fists,
and raised the bottle.
Even as I was aware of the words leaving my mouth, I realized I couldn't really

relate to the events I was describing, and I barely recognized my own voice. In a
way, it was almost like I was telling someone else's story. I had the memories of
that night, but I couldn't recall my thoughts or emotions. And I knew that was just
as well.
OoO
BPOV
I had been wondering, naturally, what finally happened to get the authorities
involved and rescue Edward from the nightmare he was living, but at the same
time, I was afraid of finding out. Because I knew it would be bad. Very bad. Quite
frankly, I was surprised - to put it mildly - when I realized Edward was actually
going to tell me.
For a brief moment, I considered asking him not to. But that was just the coward
in me. For once, it seemed like he actually wanted to talk, and if that was the case,
then I would listen. No matter how badly it would tear me up on the inside.
We had started talking about my trip to Phoenix, and then I had dropped that
stupid comment about how I wanted Edward to come with me. I suppose I just
didn't think, because if I had, I would've realized it would be impossible. If
Edward could get a panic attack in his own kitchen, of course he wouldn't be able
to get on a plane and fly halfway across the country.
Then I asked him about school, and my heart broke for him all over again when he
told me about how he would have a fit in the middle of the hallway, or in the
classroom, just because a bunch of oblivious kids would approach him, or simply
get in his way.
The irrational part of me felt anger towards Carlisle and Esme for putting him
through that in the first place. Surely homeschooling would've been a better
alternative, at least for the first couple of months, when he was obviously so
emotionally unstable and traumatized. Then again, I knew they had only done
what they thought best at the time.
Now I recalled Carlisle's words about Edward's fear of hospitals, and after hearing
Edward's story, it made perfect sense to me. I realized the hospital staff had never
intended to add to his distress and further alarm him, they had only been doing
their job, but try to explain that to a frightened and injured child.

The more I thought about it, it only seemed natural that such a horrifying
experience would be the last straw, leading to severe social issues and
claustrophobia.
As much as my entire body literally ached when he told me all of this, I was also
grateful that he was opening up to me. It was like he suddenly didn't feel the need
to hide from me anymore, which thrilled me to no end. A part of me was amazed
by how far we had come in such short amount of time.
But something changed when he started talking about that final night, and it took a
moment before I could put my finger on it. Then I cast a look at his face and took
in his blank appearance, and that was when it hit me. He was shutting down again,
only this time, the words kept spilling out of his mouth as he was staring out into
the distance, without doubt so far away that even I wouldn't be able to reach him.
My concern turned into apprehension, followed by deep sorrow for him. The tears
were burning in my eyes, but I refused to let them fall, because whether or not
Edward was actually aware of my presence at the moment, I knew he wouldn't
want me to cry for him. But it was so hard not to, especially since I could just sit
there, powerless, and listen to the horrors he was describing in that flat, empty
voice.
I was afraid of interrupting him, and I was afraid of letting him go on, fearing he
would end up having another attack or hurting himself, and this time, I would be
all alone. But I forced my fears aside, focusing on just being there, my hand still in
his as I was searching his face for any sign that he was about to snap out of the
past and come back to me.
When it finally happened, I more felt than saw the change in him as his death grip
on my hand eased. Then he slowly raised his head, blinked a few times, and turned
look at to me. I couldn't read his expression, which bothered me deeply. In that
moment, I found myself wishing he would just break down and cry or something,
because that I could handle.
But this total absence of emotion, the apathy I saw in his eyes, that scared me even
more than any of his panic attacks. And I didn't know what to do.
"Edward?" His name rolled over my lips as I kept gazing into his eyes, praying for
any sign of acknowledgment. A few seconds passed, and then it was like a fog
lifted, because all of the sudden, I could tell that Edward wasn't just looking at me,
this time he was actuallyseeing me. I nearly wept in relief.
"Bella..." His voice was small, frightened, reminding me of a child. "You said I'm

not bad," he mumbled, his eyes searching mine almost pleadingly.

"You're not." My voice broke, but I didn't care. I squeezed his hand, wishing I
could get him to believe me.
"Then why...?" His voice was trembling, but his eyes were dry, as were mine. "If I
wasn't bad," he whispered, and I would never forget the look on his face as he
went on, "...then why did he do it? Why did he do it, Bella?"

Chapter 53
BPOV
Why did he do it?
I didnt know what to say, how to answer. As much as I wanted to just take
Edward in my arms and hold him, I knew that was not what he needed from me
right now. What he needed was an explanation, but that would be like trying to
explain to someone why the universe existed. Nobody knew why, it just did. Just
like nobody could know exactly how the mind of a crazy person worked.
But to just tell him that wouldnt be enough.
My bottom lip trembled and I kept my eyes locked on our hands. Mine seemed to
fit perfectly in his. I caressed his thumb with mine. Because he was a sick, evil,
fucking bastard, I finally told him, not even trying to keep the hatred out of my
voice. I raised my head, and saw that Edward was looking at me with a frown on
his face.
I couldnt blame him - I hardly ever cursed, at least not out loud. But we were
discussing his stepfather, and the mere thought of that monster made me feel an
urge to yell out all the obscenities I could think of. I also wanted to scream, cry
and break things. Finally I understood how Edward felt when the turmoil inside
him just became too much, and he would simply explode.
Now he just watched me for a moment, his head tilted to the side. Youre angry,
he then stated, although he sounded a little uncertain.
I forced myself to calm down a little and take a deep breath, fearing that he would
think my anger was directed at him. Then I nodded in confirmation. Yes. Im so

angry I cant even think straight. I hate him for what he did to you, and if I could, I
would kill him without hesitation. I really meant it, which scared me a little,
seeing how I had never imagined myself capable of harming another human being.
But I realized James wasnt worthy of being put in that category. Once again, I
wished I knew which hospital he was in, wanting nothing more than to just pull
the plug on him myself. It didnt seem right that they were keeping him alive, he
didnt deserve the effort and attention.
After what he had done to Edward, he didnt deserve to live, period. But then
again, by dying, he would get away too easy. It really was a no-win situation.
For a moment, neither of us spoke. Then Edward turned his face away. Im angry
too, he admitted, quietly.
You have a right to be. I wished he would look at me, but took the opportunity
to wipe away the single tear that found its way down my cheek. But be angry at
him, not yourself.Hes the bad one. He hurt you. He... The word raped got stuck
in my throat.
Edwards eyes shot to mine. Dont fucking say it! he ordered, and I gulped. He
closed his eyes for a moment. Dont say it, he then repeated, somewhat calmer
this time, and when he continued, his voice was barely more than a whisper. I
know what he did.
I ran my fingers soothingly up and down his arm, the gesture meant to bring
comfort to both of us. Then you must know it was never your fault. He shook
his head in objection, and I held back a sigh. Edward-
Bella... he cut me off, an almost desperate note in his voice. You dont
understand. Ineed it to be my fault.
My eyes widened in shock. Why? I gasped.
Because... He stopped, and I wondered if he hesitated because he couldnt find
the right words to explain, or if he simply didnt have an explanation. Either way,
his words made absolutely no sense to me.
Edward... I swallowed. I wish I could just tell you what you want to hear, but I
need to be honest. Do you understand? His eyes narrowed slightly, but he
nodded. I went on, You asked me why he hurt you. Thats the only explanation I
have - he was sick and twisted. He had no right to do what he did. If it wasnt you,
it wouldve been someone else.

He blinked in surprise. What do you mean, someone else?

I knew I had to choose my words very carefully. I dont think it was ever about
you, or anything you did. He just needed an excuse. Maybe he knew on some level
that what he did was wrong; he needed to justify his actions. So he made you think
you deserved it. But you didnt. I paused. And if he hadnt gotten married to
your mom, then he wouldve found some other woman.
The thought was sickening, but I truly believed that James easily would have
found another innocent child to abuse. I wondered if he used to hurt Edwards
mother as well, but for some reason, I couldnt bring myself to ask. Instead I
remained quiet, giving him a chance to let my words sink in.
I nearly wept when Edward dropped my hand, and I could only watch helplessly
as he got up and started pacing the room. As much as I wanted to go to him, or ask
him what he was thinking, I could tell he wanted some space. And whether I liked
it or not, I would give it to him. So I just sat there in silence, although my entire
body was screaming in protest.
Suddenly he stopped, his eyes darting around the room almost desperately, as if he
was looking for something, and I could see his fist clenching and un-clenching a
few times. I opened my mouth, then closed it again, unsure of what to do. Finally
his eyes landed on the empty plate where our sandwiches had been, and he quickly
grabbed it and sent it flying right into the wall.
Luckily it was the opposite direction from where I was sitting, but the loud crash
still made me jump to my feet, and my heart started beating wildly in my chest.
Edward, please stop! I begged, tears welling up in my eyes. To my great relief,
he instantly snapped out of it and turned his attention to me.
He just stared at me for a moment, looking almost horrified, and I realized he was
shaking. I was about to step forward, but he quickly raised his hands and backed
away. Im sorry, he mumbled, a pained look on his face. I wont hurt you.
Please dont be afraid of me.
My heart broke for him, and I was unable to hold back a sob. Im not afraid of
you, baby, I whispered, feeling a desperate need to assure him. I just dont want
you to get hurt. His eyes went to the broken plate on the floor, and then back to
me. I took a hesitant step towards him.
Much to my relief, he didnt back away this time. His eyes followed my hand as I
slowly reached out to him, closing the distance between us. I let out a content sigh

as he immediately wrapped his arms around me, hugging me close and burying his
face in my hair. Im sorry, he murmured again.
Its okay, I told him quietly, running one hand up and down his back. You dont
have to apologize. His only response was to squeeze me harder, as if he was
afraid I would disappear. That was when my conversation with Carlisle suddenly
played up in my head, and I remembered him telling me how he had talked to
Edward about the possibility of his outbursts scaring me away.
I had meant to talk to Edward about that, but it had completely slipped my mind.
Now I pulled back a little. Edward stubbornly looked away, but I gently cupped
his cheek and forced him to face me. Edward, listen to me. I waited until I was
certain I had his full attention before I went on, I know what Carlisle said, but
hes wrong. You can yell and rant as much as you want - Im still not going
anywhere. But I wont just sit and watch while you hurt yourself.
Edward frowned. I wasnt- He got interrupted by the sound of someone
knocking frantically on the door. A moment later, I could hear Alices worried
voice calling out from the other side. I realized she must have heard the noise
when Edward broke the plate.
I glanced at Edward. He was looking towards the door, but made no attempt to
respond. Almost a minute passed, and then the knocking started again, louder this
time. I sighed before calling out, Everythings okay! figuring that Edward
wasnt in a mood for being confronted by his sister at the moment.
However, it was Emmetts voice I heard this time, and I realized he wouldnt just
take my word for it. Edward? he asked, suspiciously. I honestly couldnt blame
him.
I watched how Edward briefly closed his eyes, then spoke up between gritted
teeth, Yes, Im fine. Fuck off! Holding my breath for a moment, I was relieved
when his only response was silence, and I realized Alice and Emmett must have
left.
Theyre just worried, you know, I said quietly. Edward cast a brief look in my
direction, but didnt say anything. I worried my bottom lip between my teeth,
contemplating what to do next. Aside from breaking the plate, he had yet to show
any reaction to my opinion about James, and I had no idea what he was thinking. It
left me with an uneasy feeling inside.
Thats why I was both relieved and apprehensive when he finally did speak up in a

low voice, If I wasnt bad, if I didnt deserve it, then why didnt she stop him?
My mouth fell open, and I felt a lump in my throat as I realized what he meant.
His mother. I swallowed hard, having no idea how to respond. I-I dont-
He went on as if I hadnt spoken, You say you love me. Carlisle and Esme too. If
thats true, if you all can love me, then why couldnt she? His voice cracked, and
I had to press my fist against my mouth to keep from sobbing. In that moment, my
mind was completely blank.
I didnt have any answers for him. For the first time, I felt like I was in over my
head. I was terrified of saying the wrong thing and make things worse. And at the
same time, I knew I had to say something. Recalling Carlisles words, I took a
deep breath. She was sick, too, Edward. Some kind of depression. I couldnt
remember the actual term, but I figured it wasnt important right now.
Edward glanced at me, then looked away, but not quickly enough for me to miss
the way his bottom lip was trembling. Its not fucking fair, he mumbled, his
voice husky with emotion. I could only nod my head in agreement, knowing my
voice wouldnt hold if I tried to speak.
A few minutes passed in silence. Finally I spoke up, softly, Youre right - its not
fair. Theres nothing fair about what happened to you, because youre a good
person, and you never deserved any of that. But look at you now. Youre
surrounded by people who care about you and love you. Maybe its time for you to
take your life back. I held my breath, wondering if my words would get through
to him.
He kept staring out into the distance. I decided to take a chance and placed my
hand on his arm, nearly crying when he shook it off and stepped back. My life?
he snorted. Thats a fucking joke, Bella. I never had one. Tears started trickling
down my face, but I didnt bother wiping them away.
You do now, I whispered. He turned to look at me with an unreadable expression
on his face. I swallowed. Edward? What are you thinking right now?
You dont want to know, he mumbled, looking away again.
My entire body ached to touch him, but he clearly wanted to keep some distance
between us. I couldnt understand why, and I felt more hurt than I was ready to
admit. Try me, I challenged, feeling anger welling up inside me. Not at him, just
the situation.

I... I cant... Edward let out a frustrated growl. Need to fucking punch
something, he muttered. I quickly grabbed a pillow from his bed and silently
offered it to him. He gave me a skeptical look, but then his face softened. Letting
out a defeated sigh, he took the pillow from me and tossed it back on the bed.
I bit my lip. Can I please give you a hug? When he just looked at me, I closed
my eyes, preparing myself for rejection. But to my surprise - and relief - he
reached out for me, and I immediately stepped into his arms. Thank you, I
whispered to whatever powers might be listening.
We just stood like that for a moment, and I rubbed his back until I felt at least
some of the tension leave his body. Finally Edward pulled back a little, his eyes
searching mine. Im so fucking tired of this, Bella, he whispered hoarsely,
sounding so desperate and broken it nearly tore me apart.
Of what, baby? I asked softly, stroking his face. He closed his eyes, leaning into
my touch. When he opened them again, a single tear rolled down his cheek, and he
angrily brushed it away.
This! he responded heatedly, gesturing to himself. Feeling this way. Being like
this. I feel like my heads about to fucking explode. Its like... he paused,
searching for the right words, ...everything fucking hurts, and I dont know how
to make it stop.
I think... I inhaled shakily. Youve been keeping all of this inside you for so
long. Maybe you just need to let it out, once and for all. Its going to hurt, but I
think youll feel better once you can actually face what happened to you.
His eyes widened slightly, and he shook his head in refusal. No, I cant... His
voice trailed off, and I didnt miss the fear in his eyes.
I reached for his hand, silently praying I wasnt about to make a huge mistake.
Why did your stepfather hurt you?
He opened his mouth, then closed it again. When he finally spoke up, I could hear
the conflict and doubt in his voice, Because... he was sick? It came out as a
question, but the fact that he was even considering it gave me hope.
Thats right. I nodded eagerly, struggling to keep more tears from falling. I was
so sick of crying. Not because you were bad. He was a sick person, and he had no
right to... I hesitated, knowing I was taking a huge risk by pushing him in this
direction. But it also seemed necessary. Edward, tell me what he did to you.

Edward paled, understanding dawning on him. He... He stopped, looking at me

with large, fearful eyes.
Its okay, I encouraged, squeezing his hand. You can say it. A part of me felt
like a hypocrite for asking him to admit that his stepfather had raped him, when I
couldnt even bring myself to say the word. But I got a sinking feeling that hearing
himself saying it out loud was the only way he would be able to believe - and
hopefully accept - that it wasnt really his fault.
He shook his head. Bella, I...
You know it in here, I whispered, placing one hand gently on his chest, over his
heart. As I raised my other hand, I noticed how badly it was shaking. I think you
need to say it out loud to really grasp it in here. I brushed my fingers against his
temple. Otherwise youll never be able to move on.
Shaking his head again, he gave me a pleading look. Please, dont...
As long as you keep hiding from the truth, youll never truly heal, I told him
quietly. You just said so yourself - you dont want to feel this way anymore. You
want the pain to stop. Well, it wont, not until youll stop living in denial. I had
no idea where the words were coming from, but as soon as they had left my
mouth, I knew in my heart it was true. Painful or not, he needed to hear this.
But I... He swallowed hard, and I could see his Adams apple bob. Im fucking
scared, he finally choked out.
I know, baby. Gently taking his face between my hands, I rested my forehead
against his, feeling his breathing coming out in short, uneven gasps. Its okay, Im
right here. Youre not alone. His arms went around me and he clung to me almost
desperately.
Dont make me say it, he all but whimpered, and I could tell he was on the verge
of tears.
I slipped my arms around his neck and pressed my cheek against his. Shh. Ill
never force you to do anything you dont want to. I felt him relax a little. I love
you, I murmured into his ear.
He pulled back, just enough so he could look at me. Bella, I cant-
I interrupted him by brushing my lips gently against his. Edward, I know. You
dont have to say it back. Thats not why I told you. I did because I wanted to,

because thats how I feel. I paused. I love you.

His bottom lip quivered, but he didnt say anything. Instead he just watched me
silently, and I could see the emotions swimming in his eyes. I meant what I said - I
didnt need to hear the words to know how he felt about me. Because when he was
looking at me like that, it was written all over his face.
I love you, I repeated slowly, looking him deep in the eyes. It took a moment,
and then his face crumpled. I wordlessly hugged him closer, and we sank down on
the floor together.
I dont know how long we sat like that, but eventually I noticed that the room had
gotten darker. I didnt care, though; I was fully content where I was and I
suspected Edward felt the same way. We hadnt spoken since the last time I told
him I loved him, but that was okay - words werent necessary.
Or so I thought, until I heard Edward whisper in my ear, so quietly I was barely
able to make out the words, I love you too.
Chapter 54
EPOV
As soon as the words had left my mouth, I froze. Not because I wanted to take
them back, but it shook me to the very core that I was able to say them in the first
place. And what surprised me the most was the fact that there was nothing forced
about those four little words I had just uttered - it felt completely natural.
I could hear Bellas sharp intake of air, but to my relief, her only response was to
hug me tighter. We sat like that for a while, until the silence was starting to bother
me. In a way it felt good - not having to speak, just reveling in the feeling of
Bellas arms around me - but at the same time, there was nothing to distract me
from my troubled thoughts.
And eventually I reached the point where it just became too much.
Ice-cream! I suddenly blurted out, pulling back a little. Bella blinked in surprise,
looking at me like I had just grown a second head. I cleared my throat, feeling
pretty stupid. I mean, you wanted ice-cream, right? Me too. Ill just go get some,
Ill be right back, I babbled, reluctantly releasing her and getting to my feet.

A part of me wanted her to stop me, another part prayed that she wouldnt.
She frowned, but rose as well. Edward, are you-
I cut her off by placing a soft peck on her lips. It would never cease to amaze me
how good that felt. Im okay, I just need... I hesitated, because I honestly didnt
think I could explain what it was I needed - I wasnt completely sure myself.
Numerous thoughts and images were flying through my head. I didnt want to
think about what Bella had told me about James and myself, mostly because the
mere idea of acknowledging the fact that she might be right scared me half to
death. But deep down, I also knew I had avoided thinking for too long. And now it
was all threatening to hit me at once.
By some miracle, Bella seemed to understand, because her face softened and she
nodded, although she still appeared to be somewhat confused. Ice-cream would
be good, she agreed, quietly. Ill just wait here.
I found it a bit strange how eager I had been to get out of the room, because the
moment I stepped through the door and out in the hallway, I missed her, so much I
almost turned back. But I forced myself to head downstairs, knowing Bella would
still be there when I returned.
It almost frightened me, how dependent I had become of her - I needed Bella in
my life like I needed air in my lungs to breathe. And I still had a hard time to take
in the fact that every time I would open my arms, she was right there. Except that
next weekend, for at least a couple of days, she wouldnt be. I quickly pushed the
thought to the back of my mind.
I didnt really want any ice-cream, but it was the only thing I had been able to
come up with. Of course, I wouldnt fool myself into thinking our conversation
was over, but I desperately needed a break.
Unfortunately, my mind was still racing. I had just told Bella I loved her. Or more
like whispered, but still, the words didnt throw me into a fit of panic. If anything,
I wanted to tell her again, and this time, I wanted to look her in the eyes, see the
reaction on her face.
Did that mean there was hope for me after all? That maybe I wasnt completely
fucked up? I honestly didnt know what to think.
I found Emmett in the kitchen, rummaging through the cupboards. On the counter
next to him was already enough junk food to feed an army. And he was still

looking for more? I shook my head in disbelief. Seriously, how much can you
eat? I asked incredulously as I walked over to the freezer and pulled out an
almost full carton of Ben & Jerrys Cookie Dough ice-cream.
Jumping slightly - he had obviously not heard me enter the room - Emmett spun
around, an almost guilty look on his face. However, his expression changed as he
watched me hesitate for a moment and then pick up a pint of Rocky Road as well.
Youre one to talk, he muttered, nodding pointedly towards the ice-cream.
I automatically opened my mouth to throw some kind of insult at him, but then
realized he had a point. Not to mention that I felt a bit bad for snapping at him
before, when he had obviously just meant to check on me. So I just shrugged,
desperately trying to come up with something nice to say instead. But I came up
blank. The thought of simply apologizing didnt cross my mind.
He looked annoyed - not that I could blame him - grabbed his things and strode
across the room, clearly intending to leave. I shouldve just let him go, but my
brain suddenly kicked into gear and I spoke up, So, um, Bella liked the cookies.
Emmett stopped, looking cautiously at me over his shoulder. Yeah? Thats...
good.
I nodded in agreement, although I was cringing on the inside, wondering why I
always felt so awkward talking to him. Clearing my throat, I went on, Anyway,
thanks for giving me a ride to the store. Cant remember if I actually told you that
before. As soon as I had said it, I was instantly reminded of the humiliating
episode in the car. Fuck this, Im out of here, I muttered, heading for the door.
However, the sound of Emmetts dry chuckle made me freeze in my tracks. I
turned to give him a questioning look. He was shaking his head, watching me with
what could only be described as frustration. Man, you must be bipolar or
something. Really, Im not trying to offend you, but its fucking exhausting to try
to keep up with you and your mood swings.
My eyes narrowed, but I remained silent. Despite his words, there was nothing
cruel or hostile in his voice, he just appeared to be at a complete loss. Again, I
didnt blame him. Told you Im an ass, I finally managed to get out. Normally I
wouldve stormed out of the room, before or after saying something I would come
to regret later. But right now, I didnt seem to have it in me.
He watched me for a moment, then let out a sigh. Only when youre trying to
be, he mumbled. A beat. Did it ever occur to you that maybe youre trying too
hard?

I rolled my eyes, feeling slightly insulted, but knew I had it coming. Im working
on it, I muttered. He gave me a skeptical look, but nodded.
For a minute or so, neither of us said anything, and I was just about to leave the
room when Emmett suddenly spoke up again, So, what did you break before?
I grimaced, really not wanting to have this conversation, but aside from just telling
him to mind his own fucking business, I didnt know how to get out of it. So I
sighed. A plate.
Huh. He nodded in understanding. Which one?
My brows went up and I stared at him in disbelief. What fucking difference does
it make?
Emmett shrugged. Just thought it might be one of those ugly things Alice gave
Dad last Christmas. You know, the ones that had pink cats on them? Ive been
meaning to break them myself and make it look like an accident, so if you did,
good for you! I just looked at him, trying to figure out if he was serious. He went
on, sounding hopeful, If you didnt, well, maybe you could consider it for the
next time?
I snorted, then couldnt help but chuckle. Yeah, sure, Ill see what I can do.
He got a pleased look on his face, and for a moment I wondered what the fuck had
gotten into me. Was I actually joking about my fucking temper tantrums? And with
Emmett of all people? I shook my head, deciding that some part of my brain must
have stopped functioning after telling Bella I loved her.
Bella, who was up in my room right now, waiting for me to come back. I instantly
sobered up. It wasnt until I re-entered my room and watched Bellas face light up
that I realized Emmett had - unintentionally, but still - given me the distraction I so
desperately needed, at least for the moment.
As soon as I handed it to her, Bella started digging into the ice-cream with delight,
and I watched her eating in silence, contemplating whether or not I should say
anything. I felt emotionally drained, but then again, it was a feeling I had become
quite familiar with lately. She would glance at me every once in a while,
sometimes smiling, other times looking concerned.
I was grateful that she obviously wouldnt push me into a conversation, but at the
same time, I seemed to find it easier to talk about the heavy stuff when she was the

one initiating it. Of course, I didnt really feel like continuing our discussion from
before, but I knew we werent finished. And I wanted to get it over with, once and
for all.
So I took a deep breath. Bella, about before...
She immediately looked up, placing her hand on my arm. Edward, we dont have
to do this now. We can just... Then she paled. Wait, is this about... what you said
to me? That you... She swallowed. You didnt mean it? All of a sudden, she
looked absolutely crestfallen, and I mentally cursed myself for putting that
miserable look on her face.
Bella, no. I felt an almost desperate need to assure her that I hadnt been
dishonest with her. I dont regret what I said, please dont think that I do. I wasnt
lying.
Bella shook her head, her expression still sad. I know, baby, Im not saying you
were. Im just being paranoid, I guess. She blushed. Its stupid. I started thinking
after you left, and I got scared. I thought maybe you spoke too soon, in the heat of
the moment, you know? I was afraid youd... take it back. The last part came out
as a whisper, and she lowered her eyes.
I suddenly realized what it must have looked like - me all but rushing out of the
room, shortly after telling her the words she had probably never expected to hear
from me, at least not tonight. I hadnt given Bellas feelings a seconds thought.
Now I recalled Carlisle insisting that I needed to start thinking before I acted, and
it pained me to admit he was right.
It was just so fucking hard to remember, seeing how I had never cared before.
Im still not used to this, I told her now, praying Bella would understand,
because she was always so understanding, always seemed to know me better than I
knew myself. Ive never felt this way before, the way I feel when Im with you.
Or when Im not with you, for that matter, fuck, it makes me feel like a part of
myself is missing. The words were just coming, and I couldnt stop them.
In all honesty, I wasnt sure I should stop - I needed her to hear this, even though
my messed up thoughts probably wouldnt make much sense to her.
I know I said I didnt think I could love, I went on, quickly so she wouldnt get a
chance to stop me, because I feared that if I wouldnt tell her this now, Id never
find the courage again. But when Im around you, everything just feels... right,
you know? Like I finally... I let out a frustrated sigh when I couldnt find the right

words to explain.
Bella had been watching me with large eyes, and it bothered me that I had no way
of knowing what was going on inside her head. Did she believe me? Did she even
get what I was trying to tell her? Or did she just think I was crazy? Well, if that
was the case, I decided I couldnt blame her.
Edward... she started tentatively, but I raised my hand to stop her. She pressed
her lips together, watching me somewhat warily, yet expectantly.
Half of the times, I dont know what the fuck Im supposed to be doing, I
admitted, placing my palm against her cheek and watched how her eyes closed.
But you make me want to try, anyway. Try to change, to be better. For you.
Bellas eyes snapped open. Edward, no, thats not what I want. I dont want you
to change for me, I love you just the way you are.
I know you do. I frowned, because up until that moment, I hadnt fully believed
it. Or maybe I had, on some level - I just didnt dare to hope it was real. But now,
as I found myself looking into Bellas eyes, I could no longer doubt her feelings
for me. Or my feelings for her, for that matter.
Her face lit up at my words, and her hopeful expression made me feel all warm
inside. I went on, quietly, And thats why I want to try even harder. I know Im...
I managed to stop myself before the words fucked up had left my mouth, ...that
I have issues, I finished instead, knowing by the look on her face that she had
seen through my almost-slip. But I want to work on getting past them.
She stared at me in astonishment. Really?
I felt a huge lump in my throat when I saw the pure hope shining in her eyes, and
nodded. I just wanna be fucking normal, I croaked, horrified when my voice
cracked.
Bella gave me a sad smile, leaning forward so I could wrap my arms around her,
and happily snuggled into my embrace. I would never understand how she always
seemed to know just what it was I needed. We just sat like that - holding each
other - for almost half an hour, until I noticed how she tried to stifle a yawn. I
pulled back a little, unable to keep from smiling when she immediately moaned in
protest.
Youre tired, I murmured, stroking her hair. Bella stubbornly shook her head,
just clinging to me tighter. I chuckled. Well, okay, but I am. Its been a long day.

Why dont we just... I stopped myself abruptly as I realized we had never actually
discussed sleeping arrangements.
Whats wrong? She immediately pulled back in alarm.
Nothing, I just... I cleared my throat. Um, I was just wondering if youd prefer
sleeping on the couch, or if you want me to... My voice trailed off and I shrugged
in embarrassment, refusing to meet her eyes.
Cant I sleep with you? My eyes shot to hers, and she blushed furiously as she
clearly must have realized how her words came out. Oh God, no, I-I just
meant... she stuttered, ducking her head.
I inhaled. I know what you meant. And theres nothing I want more.
Ten minutes later, I was sitting awkwardly at the edge of my bed, waiting for Bella
to return from the bathroom. I had changed into my usual sleeping attire - sweat
pants and a t-shirt - and wondered what was taking her so long. Finally she
appeared in the doorway, looking a little nervous. Hi, she whispered, her cheeks
turning slightly red.
Hi. I swallowed, my eyes running over her as I was taking in her appearance.
She was barefoot, wearing dark blue cotton pajama pants and a white tank top simple, yet absolutely stunning. My mouth suddenly felt dry. As she shyly looked
down at her feet, I realized she must have caught me staring, and gulped. So, um,
do you...? My voice trailed off as she wordlessly moved into the room.
She stopped by the bottom of the bed, biting her lip in that nervous way I had
come to find adorable. I didnt think my voice would hold if I tried to speak, so I
just slipped under the thick duvet and held out my hand, knowing she would take
it. Smiling a little, Bella quickly climbed into bed and joined me under the covers.
For a moment, we both just lay there next to each other in silence, our hands and
shoulders touching, but nothing else. Finally Bella spoke up, softly, Wont you
get warm? Seeing the look on my face, she hurried to add, I mean, as long as
youre comfortable... blushing fiercely.
I shook my head, not wanting her to think it was her presence that made me feel ill
at ease. No, I always sleep like this.
Oh. She fell silent.
Briefly closing my eyes, I sighed. Ive got... scars, Bella. I dont want... I

stopped and turned my face away, suddenly ashamed. A part of me told me I

shouldnt be, because this was Bella, but I couldnt help myself.
I suppose I should have expected it, but I was still a bit startled when I felt her soft
hand on my cheek, gently forcing me to face her. Do you really think that bothers
me? she whispered, brushing her lips tenderly against mine.
It felt so good. I let out a shuddering breath. It bothers me, I then admitted,
quietly.
Okay. Im sorry, I didnt mean... Bella hesitated a little. Will you show me...
some day?
I thought about it, then nodded. Some day. Preferably years from now.
She smiled and curled up on her side, and her arm went around my waist. Lets
just try to get some sleep now, okay baby?
Her head seemed to fit so perfectly in the crook of my neck. I couldnt help but
smile as well. I like it when you call me that, I mumbled, resting my cheek
against the top of her head and inhaling the sweet smell of her hair.
I know, she breathed, and I could tell she was about to fall asleep. Night, baby.
I carefully slid my arms around her and closed my eyes, waiting for sleep to claim
me.

Chapter 55
EPOV
I was walking through some kind of a hallway, looking for something, only I
couldnt remember what I was trying to find. Darkness was surrounding me, but I
could see a faint light ahead, and moved towards it. That was when I heard the
sound of footsteps behind me, and started walking faster.
All of a sudden, I could hear voices all around me, mumbling incoherently at first,
but as they grew louder, I realized I still couldnt understand what they were
saying. It frightened me, and I started running, but I couldnt outrun the noise, as
if it was coming from inside my head.

Panic started welling up inside me and I squeezed my eyes shut, dropping to my

knees and covering my ears with my hands. When I finally opened my eyes again,
I found myself huddling in the corner of a room that was all too familiar, and I
failed to hold back a sob, casting a desperate look around me as I was searching
for someone - anyone - who could save me.
But I was all alone, except for...
My eyes widened as I spotted a woman with bronze-colored hair at the far side of
the room, facing away from me, and it only took a moment before I recognized her.
In fear of getting punished if I spoke without permission, I remained where I was,
praying she would notice me before he showed up.
But when she finally turned around, she made no sign of acknowledging me. My
fear got replaced by anger. Why wont you help me? I demanded. No response.
Because she knows better than interfering, James spoke up from the doorway,
his voice causing me to jump and shrink back against the wall. He stepped into the
room, closing the door behind him, and started towards me. Now, he went on in
a seemingly calm voice, although I wasnt fooled, I heard you misbehaved again
today. Dont you ever learn, boy?
I shook my head in fear. No, I didnt do anything, I promise. He was in my face
before I even realized he had moved, raising his fist as he prepared himself to
strike. I closed my eyes, bracing myself for the pain.
Edward? My eyes snapped open at the sound of Bellas voice, and my eyes
darted wildly around the room as I searched for her. Bella was here? What the
fuck was she doing here? I needed to protect her, I couldnt let James hurt her.
I noticed I was no longer on the floor. Instead I was standing at the other side of
the room, at the same spot where my mother had been just a moment ago. Now she
was nowhere to be seen, and I felt a familiar stab of betrayal in my chest. She
left, I choked out, and my vision became blurry as my eyes filled with tears. She
always fucking leaves!
I know. Bella walked up behind me, slipping her arms around me and pressing
her cheek against my back. You dont belong here, baby, she murmured
soothingly, her fingers running tenderly through my hair. Why do you keep
coming back?
I wanted to turn around so I could hug her, needed to feel her in my arms to
believe she was real, but found myself unable to turn my back against the scene

playing out in front of me. I never fucking left, I responded truthfully, watching
James towering above a much younger version of myself across the room.
I guess youre right, Bella said quietly, and I glanced at her over my shoulder.
She bit her lip. Just come back to me, she whispered, pleadingly. I dont want
you to stay here. I just shrugged, helplessly. She sniffled, and I quickly turned my
face away, not wanting to see the tears in her eyes.
Get up and move over to the bed! James ordered coldly, and I watched how the
boy - no,I - struggled to keep the fear and despair from showing as he scrambled
to his feet, clearly not daring to disobey.
Hes hurting him, I all but whimpered, reaching blindly behind me for Bella.
She was right there, immediately taking my trembling hand in hers. Hes hurting
you, she corrected softly, and I could only nod, the huge lump in my throat
preventing me from speaking.
As James started towards the bed, I finally turned my back on him. I knew what
was coming, and I couldnt stand the idea of watching for another second. He
fucking raped me,I admitted then, barely recognizing my own voice.
Tears started trickling down Bellas face, and I found myself willing to do anything
to remove her pain. Yes, she agreed in a thick voice. He did.
I couldnt stop him. I reached out to brush her tears away while I completely
ignored that my own were falling. I shouldve tried harder.
Bella shook her head. No, baby, she shouldve stopped him. You were just a kid,
it was never up to you. I opened my mouth to object, but she gently placed a
finger over my lips. Its okay, baby, Im right here, she whispered. I love you.
Love you, I mumbled in a broken voice, unable to do anything but look into her
brown eyes.
She smiled, despite the tears. Come on. Its time to go.
Where? I asked, tightening my grip on her hand as I was suddenly terrified she
would leave without me.
But the look in her eyes told me she wouldnt.
Home, she responded, pressing her lips softly against mine. Were going

home. As she tugged gently on my hand, leading me towards the door, I followed
without objection.
And as I left the room and stepped out into the unknown, I never looked back once.
OoO
BPOV
I was confused and disoriented at first, as I couldnt figure out what it was that had
caused me to wake up. It took a moment for my eyes to adjust to the darkness, and
I blinked a couple of times. But the second my eyes landed on Edward, twisting
and moaning next to me on the bed, I was suddenly wide awake.
He was obviously having a nightmare - a bad one, by the look of things. I
hesitantly sat up, not quite sure what to do. Should I wake him up? Tentatively
reaching out a hand, I then froze as he mumbled something I couldnt make out. I
leaned in a little closer, prepared to give his shoulder a little shake if I had to, but
at the same time, I was afraid of startling him even further.
No, I didnt do anything, I promise, he whispered pleadingly, sounding
absolutely terrified.
I decided enough was enough. Startled by the movement or not, it had to be better
than whatever horrors haunting him in that moment. Edward? I whispered,
carefully placing my hand on his cheek. He immediately became still, although he
didnt wake up.
When he started moaning again, rolling over so he was facing away from me, I
scooted closer and slid back down so I was spooning him, slipping one arm around
his trembling body and pressed my cheek against his back. His fist clenched and
un-clenched, and I wondered what was going on inside his mind. Just come back
to me, I pleaded softly.
In the next moment a fearful whimper escaped him, and his arm flew up to reach
desperately behind him, as if he knew on some level that I was right there. I
instantly grabbed his hand, squeezing it gently. He seemed to calm down a little as
he rolled over towards me, still fully asleep.
He fucking raped me, he mumbled then, and I could see his eyes moving
slightly under his closed lids. Tears welled up in my eyes.

Yes, I breathed, refusing to let go of him even for a second so I could wipe my
eyes. He did. He tensed up and started muttering again, and tears began to spill
down his cheeks. I rubbed his arm, whispering meaningless words of comfort as I
kept begging him to wake up.
Eventually he became silent, if only for a brief moment. When his lips started
moving again, I carefully covered his mouth with my finger. Its okay, baby, Im
right here, I murmured soothingly. I love you.
Love you, he echoed, and I couldnt keep the happiness from bubbling up inside
me at his words, not caring about the fact that he probably wasnt even aware of
saying them. I brushed my lips gently against his and cuddled up next to him, as
close as I could possibly get without climbing on top of him.
I felt how Edward finally relaxed against me, subconsciously snuggling into my
embrace as he let out a soft sigh. His breathing soon became steady and even, and
I was relieved beyond words when I realized he must have ridden out the
nightmare without waking up once.
My hands were still shaking slightly as I ran my fingers absently through his hair,
wondering if he would remember anything in the morning.
OoO
EPOV
Even before I was fully awake, I was aware of Bellas presence. She was still
asleep, curled up on her side with one arm around me and her other hand buried in
my hair. I shifted a little, just so I could look at her properly. She looked so
peaceful, a faint smile on her face, and I was relieved. For some reason, an image
of Bella in tears flashed through my head.
That was when I remembered parts of my nightmare. I had been back there, in my
old room in Chicago. Bella had been there as well, and for the first time ever, the
outcome of the dream had changed. Even now, when it was just a faint memory, I
could feel the difference. For one thing, I felt relaxed, almost at peace, and fully
rested.
It seemed as if Bella had managed to find a way into not only my battered heart
and soul, but into my dreams as well. I shook my head in amazement, wondering

once again what I had ever done to deserve her. She was my salvation, and I knew
I would never be able to thank her enough.
Suddenly Bella shifted in her sleep. My eyes widened slightly as her leg slid
across mine and she subconsciously pressed herself closer to me. All of a sudden, I
could feel her soft breasts against my chest, and before I even realized what I was
doing, I was pressing my lower body against hers.
Bella let out a soft moan, automatically responding by mimicking my movements.
Mm, Edward... she breathed, and I gasped. There was a tingling sensation, and I
felt myself growing hard. For a moment, the feeling was indescribable. Then I felt
like I had just been hit by a bucket of ice-water, and froze dead in my tracks.
What the fuck am I doing?
I pulled back abruptly, just as Bellas eyes fluttered open. Her face was a mixture
of surprise and confusion. What...? she started, but I didnt wait for her to finish
as I scrambled away from her and jumped out of bed. Edward? Bella quickly
threw the duvet to the side and sat up, sounding alarmed. Whats wrong?
Even though it physically hurt to ignore her, I couldnt bring myself to answer - or
even turn to look at her - as I rushed out of the room and fled into the bathroom,
my heart pounding wildly in my chest.
Fuck, fuck, fuck, what is happening to me?
Okay, so I wasnt completely stupid - I had been forced to endure the dreaded sex
education in school just as everyone else. But I had done my best to block it all
and push it to the farthest back of my mind, fully convinced that it would never
concern me in any way. Sex was bad, shameful. Disgusting.
I shuddered as I recalled forcing myself not to cry out in agony as I was certain the
pain he caused me would cut me in half, and I just wished for the mercy of
unconsciousness. Something so fucking repulsive, so ugly could never be good.
But here I was, locked up in the bathroom, shaking and sweating, with a throbbing
fucking erection. All because of Bella, who I had practically molested in her sleep.
I was no better than James.
Fuck!
I sank to the floor, buried my head in my knees and tried to get my breathing under
control as I struggled against the panic threatening to overwhelm me. Oh God,

what had I done? The fact that we had both been fully clothed was lost on me.
What if I had hurt her?
Edward! I could hear Bellas voice outside, sounding close to tears as she was
pounding frantically on the door. I dont understand what happened! What did I
do? Please, just open up and talk to me!
Tugging forcefully at my hair, I tried to block her out, although not succeeding. It
didnt sound like she was mad at me, but I still couldnt bring myself to face her, at
least not yet. I needed some time to think, to clear my head, but my mind was
racing in all kinds of directions, none of them pleasant.
The knocking stopped for a moment, and I thought I heard Bella talking to
someone. Then I could hear Emmetts booming voice at the other side of the door,
sounding almost as distressed as Bella. Hey Edward, are you okay? Whats going
on? Open up!
Like hell I will, I thought, wishing they would both just leave me alone, because I
couldnt even think straight. A part of me longed for Bellas presence and comfort,
but at the same time, I wanted to get as far away from her as possible. She
obviously thought she was the one to blame for my meltdown just now, and I
couldnt deal with that shit on top of everything else.
Once again, she needed me to be there for her, and I couldnt. A choked sob
escaped me. The knocking continued for a while, and I could still hear their
concerned voices calling out for me, but eventually they became silent, and I let
out a sigh of relief.
Maybe Bella gave up and went home. The mere thought caused my heart to ache,
but I knew I couldnt blame her if she left now. I remained on the floor for a
couple of minutes, pathetically rocking back and forth until my traitorous cock
was no longer bothering me as it was now hanging completely limp between my
legs.
I finally managed to pull myself together enough to get up from the floor, peel off
my clothes, and get into the shower. As I stood there for a long time under the
steaming water, I tried in vain to scrub off the disturbing feeling of being dirty and
unclean, but seeing how it was clearly just in my head, it didnt quite work.
About ten minutes later, I had put my t-shirt and sweatpants back on since I hadnt
been able to bring any clean clothes with me, and there was no way I would walk
even the few steps back to my room in nothing but a towel. To my relief, the
hallway was seemingly empty, and neither Bella nor Emmett were in sight.

I quickly slipped back into my room, only to stop dead in my tracks as I

immediately spotted Emmett, sitting restlessly at the edge of my bed. Glancing
around the room, I realized he was alone, and swallowed hard. Wheres Bella? I
managed to get out in a hoarse voice.
I told her to wait in Alices room, he answered quietly, his eyes worriedly
scanning my face.
Letting out the breath I had been holding, I nodded in understanding, feeling
strangely relieved she was still in the house. Would you please leave? I asked
then, unable to bring myself to put any real energy in my request. He just shook
his head, and I sighed and slumped down in a chair, lacking the strength and will
to argue with him.
Wanna tell me what happened? he finally asked, carefully. I rolled my eyes, but
didnt respond. He let out a sigh. Look, I dont know whats going on here, but I
do know Bellas quite upset right now. Apparently, all she wants is for you to talk
to her, but since youre clearly not in a mood for that, would you please just
explain to me? Maybe I can help.
I automatically snorted, but the look on Emmetts face told me he was serious. I
shook my head. Why do you even care? He just looked at me expectantly, and I
groaned. Fuck this! Im not talking to you. You wouldnt understand, anyway.
Try me. There was a challenging note in his voice. I pressed my lips together
and refused to meet his eyes, hoping he would just take the hint and leave. No
such luck. When Emmett seemed to realize I wasnt going to say anything, he
leaned forward and rested his elbows on his knees. Okay, mind if I just guess
then?
My eyes narrowed and I gave him a warning look. However, my hostile glare
wasnt enough to discourage him as he went on, You and Bella are together in
your bed,sleeping, he emphasized the word, and then all of a sudden you freak
out on her. She had no idea what happened, so it cant be about anything she said.
Emmett, I growled, daring him to continue. Just fucking let it go.
Emmett let out a nervous laugh. Seriously, man, theres nothing wrong with...
He cleared his throat. I mean, it happens to me all the time. Youre just lucky to
have Bella around - its not nearly as fun waking up with a hard-on when youre
all alone. A somewhat embarrassed chuckle escaped him.

Fun?! I stared at him in disbelief, totally forgetting to be on my guard. You

dont know what the fuck youre talking about.
Oh, come on! His tentative grin disappeared and he crossed his arms over his
chest. You make it sound like its the end of the world or something. Whats the
big deal? Really, its cool.
Its not fucking cool! I glared at him. I would never hurt Bella.
His expression changed into confusion. Hurt her? I never said you would. Were
talking about... his voice became uncertain, ...sex here, right? Which is a good
thing. Why would you say...? His voice trailed off.
Theres nothing good about sex! I blurted out without thinking. I would never
do that to her. Seeing how Emmett tilted his head to the side, watching my face
closely, I realized I may have said too much. I swallowed hard, wrapping my arms
protectively around myself as I felt a chill run down my spine.
My entire body was suddenly screaming at me to leave, before he would figure it
out. But somehow, my feet refused to move.
Wait a minute... Emmet hesitated, and I could practically see the wheels turning
in his head. My eyes shot to his as I silently begged him to stop. He slowly started
shaking his head, and I could see the exact moment realization hit him, because all
color suddenly left his face and his mouth fell open. Dude... he whispered, his
eyes wide as saucers.
I turned around and ran.

Chapter 56
BPOV
I was standing outside the bathroom, pleading with Edward to open the door, and
was met by nothing but silence from the other side. Forcing back a sob, I
wondered what the hell just happened, because it made absolutely no sense to me.
One moment I had been sleeping, having the most amazing dream, and in the next,
I was jolted awake as Edward all but flew out of bed and bolted from the room.
At first I thought maybe hed had another nightmare, but that didnt explain why

he would refuse to answer me now when I called out for him. So, was it me, then?
Was it something I did, or said, maybe in my sleep? I rested my forehead against
the door, feeling tears burning in my eyes.
And here I thought things were finally okay, hell, even better than just okay.
Edward and I had been talking, really talking, and when he actually told me he
loved me, I had been over the moon. And now... I just didnt understand what went
wrong. Why did he run like that? Why wouldnt he talk to me?
Bella? Whats the matter? I was startled by a low male voice coming from
behind me and spun around, only to find Emmett standing in the doorway to his
room, at the other side of the hallway. When I couldnt bring myself to respond, he
started towards me, a concerned look on his face. Edward? he asked me,
nodding at the closed door leading into the bathroom.
Fighting back the tears, I nodded. I dont know what happened, he just... I
shrugged helplessly, biting my lip. Then I watched as Emmett quickly strode up to
me and pounded his fist against the door.
Hey Edward, are you okay? Whats going on? Open up! No response. My heart
sank, although I couldnt say I was surprised. Emmett kept knocking and calling
out Edwards name a couple of times before he gave up and turned to me,
carefully grabbing my arm and pulling me a couple of steps away from the door.
Okay, what the hell just happened?
I just told you - I dont know! I folded my arms defensively across my chest.
We were sleeping - or at least I was - when suddenly he just panicked or
something and took off. And now he wont talk to me. I sniffled.
Sleeping? Emmett raised a brow, skeptically. In the same bed?
Yeah, so? I glared at him. Do you have a problem with that?
He immediately raised his hands. Of course not, I never said I did. I just... His
voice trailed off as he got a thoughtful look on his face. Um, okay, dont punch
me for asking, but you guys didnt happen to... sleep, he let out a somewhat
nervous chuckle, ...in any, um, intimate position, did you? I just stared at him,
and he rolled his eyes. Was there any - I cant believe Im saying this - groping?
Emmett! My cheeks turned bright red. I cant believe youd ask...! I furiously
shook my head, too embarrassed to continue.
It was his turn to roll his eyes. Im not asking to still my morbid curiosity, if thats

what you think. But I might have an idea whats going on. I could be wrong, but-
What are you talking about? I demanded, interrupting him.
Emmett sighed. Listen, hell have to come out of there eventually. Do me a favor
and go wait in Alices room while I talk to him.
I stared at him like he had just grown a second head, and snorted. Yeah, right, not
gonna happen.
Bella... He closed his eyes for a moment. You really dont trust me at all, do
you? he then asked in a frustrated voice.
Im sorry - I want to. I lowered my eyes. I want to believe that you care about
Edward, and a part of me knows that you do, at least on some level. But its kind
of hard, especially since I just keep hearing you telling me that first day in the
cafeteria how Edwards not really your brother.
Are you...? He stared at me in disbelief. I cant believe youd bring that up after
all this time! I was having a bad day. I was pissed off.
At Edward? I gave him an expectant look. He didnt respond. So you do think
of him as your brother, then?
He crossed his arms over his chest and huffed. Yes, of course I do.
This was hardly the right time, and I knew I wasnt being fair, but I couldnt help
myself as I went on, Is that why you kept telling him he shouldnt mess with you,
or your parents would send him back to Chicago? Anger welled up inside me as I
remembered Emmetts confession a couple of weeks ago.
Guilt flashed across his face. We were just kids! I didnt mean it. Its not like it
wouldve happened, anyway.
Well, he didnt know that! I was fuming now. And back when we first met?
You said you were having a bad day. You mustve had a lot of bad days, then,
because every time I saw you, you were always provoking him, putting him
down.
Emmetts face fell, and he was quiet for a moment. Ive done some things Im not
very proud of, he finally admitted, quietly. But that doesnt mean... He stopped
and cocked his head to the side, listening. I frowned, following his gaze to the
bathroom door, and realized I could hear the faint sound of the shower running.

Look, Bella, he continued, suddenly looking very tired. I realize I didnt give
you a very good first impression of me. But I need you to trust me on this. Just
give Edward some space. Im not asking you to leave the house, just that you go
into Alices room and wait there for a while. Im honestly just trying to help. He
looked me right in the eyes.
My face softened at his words, because while a part of me was still upset with him
for the way he had treated Edward in the past, I knew deep down that Emmett and
I wanted the same thing now - we were on the same page. Glancing at the closed
door again, I quickly wiped away a tear. Are you going to tell me what this is all
about?
He shrugged, suddenly appearing to be a little embarrassed. Just guy stuff, was
all he offered in explanation.
I wasnt satisfied with the answer, but decided to just do as he said. As much as I
wanted to refuse and just stay right there on the spot until Edward came out,
something told me he had run away from me for a reason. He obviously didnt
want to see me right now - for reasons completely unknown to me - and I knew I
had to respect his wishes. I could only pray that Emmett wouldnt make things
even worse.
If that was even possible. Letting out a defeated sigh, I reluctantly nodded in
acceptance and headed for Alices room.
I already knew she wouldnt be there, remembering how she and Jasper had
decided at the last minute to spend the night at his place. For a moment I didnt
know whether to be relieved or disappointed. I didnt feel like being alone, but I
also knew Alice was still a bit freaked out about what happened the other night in
the kitchen. No need for her to get even more worked up and worried about
Edward.
Slumping down on Alices neatly made bed, I tried to listen for any sound coming
from the hallway, but so far, there was only silence. I figured Emmett was still
waiting for Edward, and I had to admit I was impressed by his patience. Maybe I
shouldnt have judged him so quickly, but whenever Edward was involved, it was
like I lost the ability to care about anything else.
That was probably something I needed to work on.
Lost in my troubled thoughts, I nearly jumped a mile when the silence was
suddenly disrupted by a loud crash and what could only be described as a roar of

anguish. I scrambled off the bed and rushed out of the room, my heart beating so
hard I thought it might burst right out of my chest.
I flew through the hallway and barged into Edwards room without hesitation, only
to freeze dead in my tracks at the sight that met me.
A chair was knocked over - or judging by the crash I heard, possibly thrown across
the room - but that wasnt the main reason for my rising panic. Emmett was
standing in the middle of the room, white as a sheet with his fists clenching at his
sides. There were traces of tears on his face. And Edward was nowhere to be seen.
Emmett? I gasped, feeling like my head was spinning as I took in the scene in
front of me. What...? My voice trailed off when he raised his head and our eyes
met.
His mouth opened and then closed again. For a moment, he just looked at me, and
the pain I could see in his eyes shook me to the core. Then he swallowed hard.
You knew, he finally stated, his voice barely more than a whisper.
Knew what? What are you...? I stopped, my eyes widening as realization hit me.
Oh my God.
You. Fucking. Knew! he repeated, his voice now hard and accusing.
I just blinked, having no idea how to respond. Where is he? I whispered,
suddenly feeling nauseous.
He left. I dont know where he... Emmett stopped, and I watched how his
shoulders slumped. It was like - all of a sudden - all energy just left his body and
when he spoke again, he didnt sound hostile anymore, just pleading, Tell me its
not true, Bella. Tell me he wasnt... The word got stuck in his throat.
Closing my eyes for a moment, I then clapped my hand over my mouth, trying to
stifle a sob. I didnt know how Emmett had found out - if Edward had told him
straight out, or if he figured it out by himself - but I supposed that wasnt
important right now. What mattered was that Emmett knew, and he seemed to be
only seconds away from falling apart.
And where was Edward?
I mean, I knew he was... that someone... Emmett inhaled shakily. His
stepfather, right? Mom and Dad said... But I thought... Fuck! I could only watch

helplessly as he went on babbling, I always assumed the guy was just hitting him
or something, not... I mean, hell, that sucks, but... oh God! His already pale face
turned into an unhealthy shade of green, and his hand flew up to cover his mouth.
The next thing I knew, he pushed his way past me and bolted out of the room. I
felt like the whole world was moving in slow motion as I silently followed him
back out into the hallway, already knowing where he was heading. As he didnt
have time to close the bathroom door properly behind him, I clearly heard how he
emptied the contents of his stomach into the toilet.
Strange as it may sound, the disturbing sound of Emmett retching and gasping a
few feet away turned out to be what I needed to snap out of the shock. A little
voice inside my head insisted that I didnt have time to stand here - I had to find
Edward. He needed me, now more than ever. I couldnt even imagine how he must
be feeling right now.
But I had no idea where he was, or even where to start looking for him. I hadnt
even heard him leave his room and run down the stairs. Some girlfriend I turned
out to be. A choked sob escaped me and I dropped to my knees right there in the
hallway, burying my face in my hands.
I couldnt be completely sure, but I didnt think more than a couple of minutes had
passed before I heard the sound of flushing, followed by the sound of water
running. I raised my head. A moment later, Emmett emerged from the bathroom,
still looking worse for wear. Are you okay? I asked quietly.
He let out a bitter laugh, grimacing as he closed the door behind him. Hell, no.
Can you blame me? I could only shake my head. Watching me for a moment, he
then slowly made his way over to me on somewhat wobbly legs, sinking to the
floor next to me. You shouldve said something, he mumbled. I wouldve...
He stopped, shaking his head.
Would you have told me? I gave him an expectant look. He rolled his eyes.
Not the same thing. Fuck, hes my brother! Were family. I deserved to... he
closed his eyes for a brief moment, then shook his head again. No, I wouldnt
have told you, because it hadnt been my place to tell.
Exactly, I nodded in agreement. Emmett, you have to understand-
He cut me off, Dont fucking tell me I have to understand! I dont. I dont
understand anything. I mean, how can people...? His voice cracked. I need to
call Dad, he choked out, jumping to his feet. I jumped up as well - so quickly that

I felt a wave of dizziness come over me - and grabbed his arm to stop him.
No, you cant. He gave me an incredulous look. I sighed. If youll call your
parents now, when youre this worked up, youll only scare them half to death.
You need to calm down... I stopped myself when I realized I had to sound like a
real hypocrite, telling Emmett to calm down when I was only moments away from
crumbling myself.
The skeptical look on his face and the way his eyes narrowed told me he knew
exactly what I was thinking, but to his credit, he didnt call me on it. Instead he
slumped back against the wall without a word. I hesitated a little. Look, I need
to... Would you just wait here, please? We should talk, but... Just stay - Ill be right
back.
Not waiting for Emmett to respond, I rushed back into Edwards room, my eyes
darting around desperately until they landed on my cellphone next to the alarm
clock on the nightstand. It was a good thing I had Edward on speed dial, because
my hands were all sweaty and shaking so badly that I didnt think Id be able to
dial the numbers correctly.
Pressing a button, I then waited and waited as the signals went through, trying not
to let the fear overwhelm me. I inhaled shakily as I only got the voice mail, forcing
myself to speak as calmly as I could into the phone. Edward, where are you?
Please call me back and let me know youre safe. I love you so much, baby,
everythings gonna be okay, I promise. Just... I choked back a sob. I love you.
Then I hung up.
Struggling not to give in to total despair, I went back out into the hallway - my
phone in a tight grip in case Edward would call - and was relieved to find that
Emmett was still right there where I left him. His eyes searched my face for
something, I wasnt sure what, and I knew hed heard me make the call.
Nothing? he asked quietly. I shook my head, feeling how my bottom lip started
to tremble.
Hell be back soon. Emmett tried to sound assuring, and I wasnt sure whether
he was trying to convince me, or himself. He takes off like this all the time.
True, but I couldnt help but think it was different this time. Edward had been
keeping the painful truth about his past from his brother and sister all this time,
and now the secret was out. I couldnt imagine what was going through his mind
right now, he had to be completely mortified. And he was all alone, with no one to
tell him he had absolutely no reason to be. Tears started trickling down my face.

Forcing myself to take a couple of deep breaths - breaking down now wouldnt
help anyone - I then turned my attention to Emmett. He seemed to be deep in
thought. What-what are you thinking? I asked, afraid of what the answer would
be.
Makes sense now, how he doesnt want people touching him. Emmetts voice
sounded hollow. He glanced at me. So, I guess Mom and Dad knew all along.
What about Alice? I knew what he really wanted to know - was he the only one
who had been kept out of the loop? I realized I felt genuinely bad for him.
No. I shook my head, swallowing. He was too ashamed, blaming himself. He
didnt want... anyone else to know.
But he obviously didnt have any problem telling you. There was a slight hint of
accusation in his voice, and I knew I shouldnt blame him for feeling hurt and left
out.
Still, I couldnt help feeling defensive. You dont know anything about that.
Youre right, I dont. His eyes were dark, haunted, reminding me so much of
Edwards in that moment. There seem to be a lot of things going on around here
that I know nothing about. I opened my mouth, then closed it again, lowering my
eyes.
Look, Bella... His voice softened. Im not really mad at you, Im mad at
myself. You were there for him - I wasnt. If I had acted differently, been a better
brother, then maybe he wouldve trusted me as well. Its something Ill just have to
live with. I dont mean to take it out on you.
I nodded in acceptance, about to tell him it was okay, when his eyes widened and
he stood up straight. Wait a minute, did you say...? He shook his head, as if to
clear it. He blames himself? Why?!
Well... I hesitated, biting my lip as I glanced at my phone, willing it to ring. A
part of me felt uncomfortable discussing this subject with Emmett, but at the same
time, it seemed important that he would understand.
But before I got the chance to continue - and I still didnt know what to say Emmett went on, heatedly, Never mind, it doesnt matter why. Its fucking insane,
how can he think...? His face darkened. His stepfather. Where is he now? Still in
jail?

I shook my head. In a hospital. I think Edward said he was shot by the police or
something. Hes in a coma.
Emmett clenched his fists. Which hospital? Somewhere in Chicago?
I gulped, somewhat intimidated by the pure hatred I could suddenly see in his
eyes. Why? Does it even matter?
Damn right it does! He glared at me, and I had to remind myself that his anger
wasnt really directed at me. When he spoke again, I noticed he was shaking. I
could fucking kill him, Bella. And I swear to God, if I ever come across that son of
a bitch, I will.
As much as his words frightened me, I believed him. Because I felt exactly the
same way. So I just nodded in understanding, only hesitating for a second before I
carefully placed my hand on his arm. He looked slightly taken aback, but then
raised his own much larger hand to cover mine, and gave me an almost pleading
look. I can still make it up to him, right? I understand now. I can make things
right.
He sounded so hopeful, so determined, yet more vulnerable than I had ever heard
him before. I felt my throat tighten, unable to bring myself to respond.
That was when my phone buzzed in my hand.

Chapter 57
EPOV
Aside from Bella, I had never told anyone about the meadow, and ever since I first
found it - by a total coincidence, back when I had just turned fourteen - I had
thought of it as my secret place, my refuge. I would go there whenever the demons
in my head - or around me - became too much and I wanted to make sure nobody
would find me.
But now all of a sudden, after I had started bringing Bella here, the normally so
peaceful environment didnt have quite the same calming effect on me as it used
to. Instead I just felt empty and alone, almost as if it was wrong somehow to come
here without her.

Although the little voice inside my head told me it was just as well, since I didnt
deserve the pleasure and comfort of Bellas company at the moment.
It had taken me more than twice as long to get here on foot, but I hadnt been
stupid enough to get behind the wheel, knowing that even if I wouldve had two
fully functioning hands, I wouldnt be in any condition to drive with all the
frenzied thoughts running through my head. And while I may be a lot of things,
suicidal was not one of them.
Not to mention that I didnt think Carlisle and Esme would appreciate it if the car
they had so kindly given me on my seventeenth birthday would end up wrapped
around a fucking tree, or smashed against a cliff. Talk about fucking waste of
money.
As I now sank to my knees in the soft grass, I almost laughed out loud when the
sky opened up without warning and the rain started pouring down, because it
seemed to fit my mood so perfectly, is was fucking ironic. The air was chilly, but I
was too out of it to really feel the cold.
My phone rang once as I made my way through the thick forest, but I had ignored
it, figuring it had to be either Bella or Emmett. And right now, I couldnt stand the
idea of being confronted by either of them.
I hadnt meant for Emmett to find out the humiliating truth about my past, not
now, preferably not ever. But the cat was out of the fucking bag, and there was
nothing I could do about it. The look of genuine surprise and shock I had seen on
his face the moment before I rushed out of the room - as if the devil himself was
after me - was now permanently etched in my memory.
What could possibly be going through his head right now? Did he pity me? Or
would he just loathe me and feel repulsion, now when he finally had come to learn
just how weak and pathetic his brother really was? And what about Alice? Had
he already told her as well? I felt like my head was spinning, and I couldnt think
straight.
As always when I was afraid or distressed, I wanted Bella. But she wasnt here,
because I had screwed up again - and not just once, but twice. At first when my
body had betrayed me and I had practically forced myself on her while she was
sleeping, and then when I had broken my one promise to her - that I wouldnt run
away from her again.
Frantic thoughts and disturbing images were flying through my mind until the
point where I couldnt take it anymore, feeling like I was about to explode. I felt

like screaming, but found that I didnt have the energy, and there was nothing to
break around here, nothing to distract me from the panic and despair threatening to
consume me completely.
Before I even realized what I was doing, I had pulled the phone out of my pocket,
suddenly relieved that I had remembered to grab my jacket before I ran out of the
house. I instantly noticed I had received a new voice message, but couldnt bring
myself to press the button and listen. Instead I quickly browsed through my list of
contacts - which wasnt very long - until I found the number I was looking for.
I had expected Carlisle to answer, but it was Esmes voice I heard, sounding both
worried and hopeful at the same time, Edward, is that you? Is everything all
right?
Fearing my voice would betray me, I took a deep breath. Yeah, its me. Sorry,
dont mean to bother you, I just-
She immediately cut me off, Dont ever worry about bothering us, sweetie, well
always be more than happy to hear from you. Are you okay?
Her kind words and selflessness almost brought tears to my eyes, and I felt a lump
in my throat. I let out a shaky breath, suddenly unable to respond. For a moment I
regretted calling, but at the same time, I felt strangely comforted just by hearing
her voice.
I finally managed to force the words out. No, Im not.
Oh, sweetie... I could hear her sharp intake of air. Whats wrong?
I fucked up. Again. I choked back a sob, refusing to break down now. When are
you guys coming back? I couldnt explain why I expected them to be able to
make things better - I just did. It was a strange, unfamiliar feeling.
I heard how she mumbled something indistinctly on the other end, realizing she
had to be talking to Carlisle. Then she was back, sounding like she was close to
tears. Were on our way home right now, honey. We should be there in a couple
of hours. Would you please tell me what happened? There was a slight hint of
panic in her voice.
I screwed up with Bella. Just saying her name caused my chest to ache and my
throat to tighten. I paused, furiously blinking away tears of shame and humiliation
as I went on, And Emmett knows.

There was a brief moment of silence. Knows what, sweetie? Im sorry, Im not
following.
I could hear the unsettling sound of someone breathing heavily, and it took a
moment before I realized it was me. Closing my eyes, I struggled to get my
emotions under control. He knows what James... what happened to me.
There was a soft gasp, a rustling sound, and then I heard Carlisles - only slightly
calmer - voice, Edward, its me. Where are you right now? Are you alone? I
heard Esme mumbling rapidly in the background and could only hope she was
filling him in, because I didnt think I could bring myself to repeat my words to
him.
I had to get out, I whispered, not sure he would even be able to hear me. But it
turned out he did.
I see. There was a pause. Edward, listen to me. I want you to go back home.
Can you do that for me? You can go straight to your room, and you dont have to
talk to anyone. I just dont want you wandering the streets when youre this upset.
Do you understand?
I was about to inform him that the nearest street was probably more than a mile
away, but found that I didnt have it in me to argue. So I nodded - completely
unnecessary seeing how he couldnt see me. I understand, I muttered,
deliberately avoiding his request. It wasnt like he was actually here and could
check whether or not I would obey.
As if he could read my mind, Carlisle continued, I mean it, Edward. Esme and I
will be home shortly, and then well talk. But we need to know you will be safe
until we get there.
I realized he was serious, and couldnt help but feel touched by his words. Before I
met Bella, I used to feel annoyed or guilty whenever Carlisle or Esme would show
any sign of concern for me, convinced that I wasnt worth the bother. But now, I
had to admit it felt kind of good to know that they cared. Ill go home, I
mumbled in defeat.
Thank you. Carlisle was quiet for a moment. Where is Bella? Have you spoken
to her? Is she still at the house?
I felt a sharp stab of pain in my chest at the mention of Bellas name. I dont
know, I admitted, choking up again. I-I did something bad, and... and... My grip
tightened on my phone and I squeezed my eyes shut, forcing myself to focus on

my breathing.
There was no way I would tell him what happened, at least not over the fucking
phone. I was still too appalled to even admit it to myself.
Seriously, man, theres nothing wrong with... I mean, it happens to me all the
time.
For some reason, Emmetts words played up in my head, and I cringed. Somehow
he had figured out what happened, and hed made it seem like it was completely
normal. Well, maybe it was, to him. But not to me. And now, he knew why. I
swallowed hard, the idea of going back home and facing Emmett now making me
physically ill.
Edward? Did you hear me, son? I was asking...
Carlisle was talking again, but I cut him off, suddenly feeling a desperate need to
get off the phone, I need to go. Talk to you later. And then I hung up before he
got the chance to object, feeling slightly guilty, but I didnt feel like I had a choice.
The truth was, I feared I would throw up, and I didnt think hearing me retching
over the phone would ease his worries.
As I took a couple of deep, shaky breaths, I felt a little better, but not much. It was
still raining, making my clothes stick to my body, and I noticed for the first time
that I was completely soaked. It was uncomfortable, but at the same time, I found
the feeling of water trickling down my face to be a welcome distraction.
Instead of putting my phone back down in my pocket, I reluctantly cast a look at
the display, revealing the words 1 missed phone call. Hesitating for almost a
minute, I then sighed and pressed a button, bringing the phone back to my ear.
Then I waited, feeling my anxiety grow again.
Edward, where are you? Please call me back and let me know youre safe. I love
you so much, baby, everythings gonna be okay, I promise. Just... I love you.
And then there was nothing but silence. I let out a gust of air and played up the
message again, feeling my eyes sting as I listened to Bellas broken voice. There
was no accusation in her words, only concern. Cold drops of rain were streaming
down my face, mixing with my tears. She seriously wasnt blaming me?
I was about to press the call button, but decided against it and quickly typed a text

message instead. There were so many things I wanted to say, but I couldnt, not
now. So I settled for the words Im sorry, I need some time, pressed send, and
then turned the phone off.
It wasnt fair to Bella - I realized that much. Deep down, I knew I couldnt go on
like this. All I ever did was hurt her and let her down, again and again. And every
time, she forgave me, just like that. Because she... loved me. It just wasnt right. I
needed to... Hell, I didnt know.
Sure you do, the persistent little voice whispered inside my head. You know
exactly what you need to do - youre just too much of a fucking coward to admit
it.
True. The mere thought scared the hell out of me. I needed Bella, I couldnt do this
without her.
But I just couldnt keep doing this to her. So, maybe she loved me now, for reasons
I would probably never be able to completely understand. But sooner or later, she
would realize she needed a man, and not a fucking basket case. Sooner or later, she
would end up resenting me.
Unless I did something about it. Something I shouldve done a long time ago.
It wasnt until almost an hour later that I finally entered the house, as quietly as I
could. I really didnt feel like facing anyone - namely Emmett - and could only
hope to be able to escape upstairs and into my room without getting noticed.
However, as I shrugged out of my wet jacket and hurried across the room towards
the stairs, my eyes landed on Bellas still form, curled up and asleep on the couch,
hugging a small pillow to her chest. I closed my eyes for a moment, knowing I
couldnt just sneak past her. After all, she was still here, most likely waiting for
me.
Taking a deep breath, I stopped a few feet away and carefully called out her name.
For some reason, I was afraid of approaching her, as if it would make her vanish
into thin air. Aside from a soft moan, there was no response, and I tried again.
Bella? Wake up.
She stirred, and her eyes fluttered open. Edward? she mumbled, blinking a
couple of times. Then her eyes widened and she all but flew up from the couch.
Taking a step towards me, she then stopped, and I watched how her bottom lip
quivered. I wanted to close the distance between us and take her in my arms, but
my feet seemed to be frozen at the spot.

Oh, thank God, are you okay? she breathed, and then rolled her eyes and went
on before I got the chance to respond, Are you - are you hurt? I shook my head,
and she let out a sniffle. Please, dont leave again, she whispered pleadingly,
raising her hands as if she feared it was just a matter of time before I would turn
around and bolt.
I sighed, shaking my head in agreement. I wont.
She seemed to relax a little, but remained where she was, obviously not daring to
step any closer in fear of scaring me off. Again I felt a wave of guilt well up inside
me, knowing I was the one who made her feel that way in the first place. I
watched in silence how Bella bit her lip. Can I...? she swallowed, ...can I give
you a hug? I opened my mouth, but she continued, Or do you want me to stay
back?
The tone of her voice told me she was willing to do whatever I asked, and I
silently cursed myself for once again acting like a fucking idiot and cause Bella to
doubt herself. I took a deep breath, and held my arms open in a silent invitation.
You never have to ask, I told her quietly, meaning it from the bottom of my
heart.
She walked right up to me and stepped into my embrace, her arms slipping around
my waist, and everything was right again. Or at least until I remembered how
physical closeness to Bella was what had caused this mess in the first place. But
somehow, I managed to ignore the little voice insisting I had to back off - it just
felt too good to be back in her arms again.
Bella, Im so sorry... I started, but she immediately shushed me.
Baby, you have nothing to be sorry for. I mean it. Well talk, but not right now.
Lets just take a moment, okay? She tightened her grip around and hugged me
closer, and I wasnt about to object.
We just stood like that for a while, until Bella suddenly gasped and pulled back.
Edward, youre soaked! You need to get out of these wet clothes before you catch
pneumonia or something!
I looked down at myself with a frown, then waved my hand in dismissal. Im
fine. Bella gave me a stern look, and I surrendered. Yeah, okay, whatever. She
looked pleased.
Then her face turned serious. Edward, when youre done, I think we do need to

talk. About... Her eyes searched my face, and I nodded in agreement, seeing no
reason for her to finish that sentence. I knew what she was referring to, and she
was right - we really did need to talk, although I definitely wasnt looking forward
to it.
That reminded me. Emmett? I asked in a low voice, feeling my heart starting to
beat faster.
She worried her bottom lip between her teeth. Hes... upstairs. I gulped,
lowering my eyes, but Bella gently placed her palm on my cheek, forcing me to
face her. Hey, its okay. I talked to him, I know what... She hesitated. Ive never
seen him this upset before, Edward, believe me when I say this - Emmett truly
cares about you. Please, just give him a chance.
I couldnt bring myself to answer. Instead I just stubbornly kept looking straight
ahead, avoiding Bellas eyes.
Seeing my reluctance, she let out a sigh, stroking my cheek. Just go change your
clothes, okay baby? Ill go to the kitchen and make us some hot chocolate. We can
talk later.
I nodded in acceptance and headed for the stairs, praying I wouldnt run into
Emmett, because no matter what Bella said, I definitely wasnt ready to face him.
But for once, luck seemed to be on my side, because I managed to slip upstairs and
into my room without any incidents. I hurriedly removed my soaked t-shirt and
sweatpants with a grimace, and changed into a dry shirt and a pair of jeans.
Holding my breath as I left my room, I was relieved to find that Emmetts door
was still closed. I quickly made my way to the laundry room and put my wet
clothes in the dryer. Five minutes later, I was back downstairs, absently flipping
through the channels on the TV as I waited for Bella to return.

Chapter 58
BPOV
When my phone buzzed and I realized Edward had sent me a text message, I
almost dropped to my knees in relief. Of course, he didnt say where he was, or
when he would come home, but at least he was safe, and for the moment, that was
all that mattered to me. Letting out a shuddering breath, I then glanced at Emmett
as I could feel his eyes on me.

Is he all right? he asked quietly, nodding towards the phone I was still clutching
tightly in my hand.
I nodded, trying to smile but not quite succeeding. He says he needs some time.
Yeah, that makes sense, Emmett mumbled in a somewhat absent voice. He
hesitated a little before he went on, Bella, I dont know how to do this. I mean,
how do I act when he gets back? Should I say something? Or maybe I should just
stay out of his way, give him some space?
I opened my mouth, but he continued, a slight hint of panic in his voice, Youre
not leaving, right? You have to be here when he comes home, Bella, I cant... He
swallowed. I cant screw things up with Edward again.
You wont. I silently prayed I was right before I added, And Im not going
anywhere until Edward tells me to.
Good. Thanks. His relief was obvious. For a minute or so, we stood there in
silence. Then Emmett cleared his throat. Still think I should call Mom and Dad,
though. What if they come home before Edward does? Theyll know somethings
up. Moms gonna freak out.
I thought about it for a moment. I dont know. Cant you just wait an hour or so?
If Edwards not back by then, and we havent heard anything more from him, then
I guess you should give them a call. But theres no point in making them all
worried now, when theyre still far away from home and wont be able to do
anything about it.
Emmett sighed, then nodded in acceptance. Yeah, I guess youre right.
I bit my lip. So, are you going to tell me? Seeing his confusion, I clarified,
About what made him so upset before. Did you find out what that was all about?
Yeah, about that... He suddenly looked very uncomfortable. Im not sure I
should... I mean, you really should be talking to-
Well, hes not here now, is he? I cut him off and crossed my arms over my chest,
unable to keep the pleading note out of my voice as I went on, Emmett, please. I
need to know what I did wrong.
He rolled his eyes, and I realized he was about to give in. You didnt do anything,
all right? Its just... A somewhat embarrassed chuckle escaped him. Remember

when I said it was guy stuff? I nodded, not sure where he was going with this. He
scratched the back of his head. Well, sometimes, we guys find ourselves in a bit
of a... an awkward position... when we wake up in the morning.
I just looked at him blankly for a moment, then, as understanding finally started to
dawn on me, I felt my cheeks turning bright red. Oh, I whispered. My eyes
widened in realization - it was all starting to make sense to me now.
Bella, its not your fault, Emmett told me quietly, and I had to fight the urge to
roll my eyes because he didnt understand.
He was right, of course - it wasnt my fault. It wasnt anyones fault. But I knew
Edward well enough to know that he usually ran away when he couldnt deal with
what was going on around him - or when he was ashamed. It seemed like - once
again - he was blaming himself for something that was out of his control. And I
just wanted to cry.
Emmett finding out what happened - on top of everything else - must have been
the last straw.
I need to talk to him, I mumbled, tears blurring my vision as I looked down at
the phone still in my hand.
But before I could do anything, Emmett spoke up, causing me to hesitate, You
just said to give him some time, Bella. Maybe you should listen to your own
advice.
I know, but... I exhaled, letting the hand holding my phone drop at my side.
Fine - I wont call him right now. Ill just go wait downstairs. Um, I think maybe
you should... I lowered my eyes, not comfortable telling him what to do. But I
had a sinking feeling that if Edward came home to find both me and Emmett
waiting for him by the door, he would just turn around and bolt again.
Luckily Emmett seemed to understand, because he nodded in agreement. Ill just
stay here.
Five minutes later, I was curled up on the living room couch, the TV playing
mutely in the background. I wasnt really watching, I just needed some distraction.
It didnt take long before my eyelids started to drop, though. And before I knew it,
I had drifted off.
When I heard Edwards voice, softly calling out my name, I first thought I was
dreaming. But when I opened my eyes, he was really there. I jumped up from the

couch, fast enough to give myself a head rush, only to stop in my tracks as I
suddenly feared my approaching him would scare him away. Please, dont leave
again, I begged, my heart beating wildly.
I managed to calm down a little when he assured me he wasnt going anywhere.
When I asked if I could hug him and he told me I didnt have to ask, the fear
finally lost its grip on me and I all but ran into his arms, clinging to him like he
might disappear again any second. I had to admit, a part of me still couldnt grasp
the fact that he was here.
But he was. Edward was back in my arms, where he belonged, and if it was up to
me to decide, we would just stay like that forever.
However, reality soon came crashing down, and I gasped when I realized he was
freezing cold and soaking wet. I hadnt even noticed that the rain was pouring
down outside, and my eyes welled up at the thought of him all alone out there.
Well, at least he was back now, thank God.
I told Edward to go upstairs and change while I made us some hot chocolate. He
agreed and I hurried into the kitchen, grateful to have something to do to keep my
mind occupied until he would get back. I could only hope that Emmett would stay
true to his words and give Edward some space.
When I returned to the living room a while later, carrying a small tray with two
cups of steaming chocolate - topped with a few mini marshmallows I had found in
one of the cupboards - Edward was already seated on the couch in dry clothes,
waiting. He looked up when I entered the room, offering me a small smile that
didnt quite reach his eyes.
This was it. I tried to smile back as I made my way over to him, putting the tray
down on the table and holding out one of the cups to him as I sat down next to
him. He took it with a grateful nod, immediately taking a small sip. I slumped
back into the couch, pulling my feet up and tucking them underneath me.
For a moment, neither of us said anything. It was like we were both just waiting
for the other to start as we kept throwing careful glances at each other, all the
while sipping on our hot beverages. Finally I couldnt take the silence anymore.
Edward...
Bella... he started at the same time, and we both became silent again. It was
ridiculous. It seemed like Edward felt the same way, because he rolled his eyes.
Look, I know we need to talk. But we both know I suck at it, so why dont you go
first?

I suppressed a sigh, hating the way he would always put himself down, but
decided to just ignore it and humor him. He knew I didnt agree, and I didnt see
any point in arguing. All right. Then I hesitated, not knowing where to begin.
Should we start by discussing the incident leading to him freaking out and locking
himself up in the bathroom this morning?
Or the fact that Emmett was now aware of the sexual abuse Edward had suffered
by the hand of his stepfather? I bit my lip. In a way, the two seemed to go hand in
hand. Taking a deep breath, I then spoke up quietly, Edward, maybe this was for
the best. Emmett finding out, I mean. Now you wont have to keep hiding the truth
from him anymore. I cant even imagine how hard that must have been.
His eyes narrowed slightly as he glanced at me, but he didnt respond. I went on,
Look, baby, Im not trying to tell you what to do, or how to handle things. I love
you, and no matter what happens, you and I will always be okay. But I cant just
pretend it doesnt hurt when youre running away from me. I swallowed, adding,
Because every time, I cant help but fear that you wont come back.
As he lowered his eyes in shame and opened his mouth, I instantly knew he was
about to tell me he was sorry. But I cut him off and hurried on, because that was
not what I wanted to hear. Its not that I blame you. Really, I dont. As much as I
wish you would just stay and talk to me, let me know whats bothering you, I
understand that sometimes you just cant. And it scares me, makes me feel
helpless.
He nodded slowly, still not meeting my eyes. I continued, softly, But I want you
to know that I will always be here for you when you come back. Whatever is
going on, well deal with it together and move on. Even when its really hard,
well work it out, and things will be okay.
Edward finally raised his head. He sighed. No, Bella. Its not that I dont believe
you mean it, but its not okay. I dont want to keep hurting you like this. I cant lie
to myself anymore - this is not working. It has to stop, now.
For a moment, I just stared at him, not understanding what he was saying. Then, as
his words finally started to sink in, I was certain my heart literally stopped beating.
Are you saying... youre going to leave me for real? I managed to choke out,
unable to keep the panic out of my voice. Are you - are you breaking up with
me?
He blinked. Bella, I-

No! I all but sobbed in desperation, jumping up from the couch. Edward, dont
do this, please! Im sorry if Ive been coming on too strongly lately, I promise to
back off if thats what you want. Whatever you need, Ill do it. Just dont leave
me! I was babbling - I realized that much, but I couldnt seem to stop myself.
In that moment, I actually felt like I was dying. I watched as in slow motion how
Edward got up as well and moved towards me, not realizing I was hyperventilating
until I felt his hands on my shoulders. His lips were moving, but I was unable to
make out what he was saying.
Bella, you need to fucking calm down, he pleaded, sounding close to panic. A
strangled whimper escaped me, but other than that, I managed to stay quiet.
Edward let out an unsteady breath and ran his hand repeatedly over my hair,
obviously not sure what else to do. Then he briefly closed his eyes.
When he opened them again, they were glistening. I told you I suck at this, he
said in a shaky voice. I tried in vain to blink away the tears and keep my bottom
lip from quivering. If Edward left me, my life would be over. The mere thought
was too much for me to bear, and I found myself shaking in pure terror.
Fuck! Bella, look at me, Edward demanded, firmly but gently taking my face
between his hands and forced me to look him right in the eyes. You
misunderstand me, all right? Im not going to leave you. How could I? I just kept
looking at him, blankly. Youre really starting to scare me, love, he admitted.
I finally snapped out of it, staring at him in astonishment. Did you just call me
love? I whispered, half convinced it was just my mind playing tricks on me.
Huh? He looked confused for a moment, and then, as realization seemed to hit
him, nodded. Yes, I guess I did.
How I had longed to hear something like that from him. But now, I couldnt bring
myself to take any pleasure in his endearment. If you love me, then why are you
breaking up with me? I whimpered, feeling like my head was spinning as I
wondered if it was actually possible to die from a broken heart.
I told you, Im not fucking breaking up with you! The force behind his words
took me by surprise, and I blinked in shock. Will you please just hear me out? he
asked in a somewhat calmer voice. I could only nod, too stunned to speak.
Edward hesitated for a moment, then took my hand and led me back to the couch.
Then he placed his hand on my cheek. I know you dont want to hear this, but
Im going to say it anyway. Im fucked up, Bella. Maybe youre right when you

say hes the one who made me that way in the first place, but the fact remains - I
am. Theres no point in denying it.
I automatically opened my mouth to object, only to stop as he threw me a warning
look and continued, You deserve so much better than having to put up with my
crap. I dont mean to drag you down with me, but I realize now thats what Ive
been doing, and its not fair to you. I should let you go, but Im too fucking selfish.
I need you too much. He paused. I feel like I cant breathe without you.
Choking back a sob, I covered his hand with mine. I feel exactly the same way,
baby. I need you, too. More than youll ever realize.
He nodded, a pained look on his face. I hear you say it, but I still dont think Ill
ever understand why. All I ever do is hurt you, make you cry.
No, Edward. I shook my head. The only way you can ever hurt me is by
walking out of my life. Anything else I can handle.
I dont want to. I watched him swallow hard, and the pain I could see in his eyes
made my heart ache. But Bella, I think I need help.
Yes. I nodded eagerly, carefully taking his bandaged hand in my lap and running
my fingers gently over his knuckles. Ill always help you, baby, whatever you
need from me. We can-
Bella, he cut me off in a small voice, and I immediately fell silent. Thats not
what I meant. I know you mean well, and I wish more than anything that it would
be enough. But I think... He lowered his eyes in shame. I think I need more help
than you can give me.
For a moment I started panicking again, because I thought he was telling me that
he was breaking up with me after all, or at least that he needed us to take a break.
But then understanding finally dawned on me, and my eyes widened. Are you
talking about therapy? He just nodded, still not looking at me. I bit my lip. Is
that really what you want?
No, its not what I want at all. He finally raised his head, and our eyes met. But
I think maybe I need it.
I couldnt agree more, and I wanted to tell him as much - let him know just how
incredibly proud I was of him for coming to that conclusion by himself - but the
moment I opened my mouth to do so, I started choking up. So instead I settled for
just silently nodding in agreement, and then slowly climbed up in his lap,

wrapping my arms around his neck and putting my head down on his shoulder.
He tensed up for a brief moment, clearly a little taken aback by my move, but then
he slipped his arms around me and buried his face in my hair. Tears were burning
in my eyes, and at the same time, I could feel an almost hysterical laugh
threatening to bubble up inside me.
Edward wasnt going to leave me after all. If I hadnt already been sitting down, I
was fully convinced that my knees would give out and I would sink to the floor in
pure relief.
We sat like that for a couple of minutes before I finally trusted my voice enough to
try to talk. Maybe... I started hesitantly, not lifting my head from his shoulder,
...if you decide to start seeing a therapist, I could go with you? Not every time, of
course, but maybe once in a while. I held my breath, waiting for his reaction.
He seemed to freeze, and then pulled back a little so he could give me a skeptical
look. Are you fucking serious? I nodded. Why? I mean... He shook his head,
as if to clear it. Youd actually do that for me?
In a heartbeat, I told him sincerely. But honestly, it wouldnt just be for you. I
feel that maybe it would be good for me to talk to someone about all of this as
well. Because theres still so much I dont understand, and I want to, Edward, so
badly.
He was quiet for a moment, obviously contemplating my suggestion. Can I think
about it for a couple of days?
I nodded. Of course. He looked relieved. Then he gently pulled my head back
down on his shoulder, making all my worries melt away as the rest of the world
seemed to disappear. And the fear and doubt I had felt only minutes ago was
suddenly nothing more than a distant memory.

Chapter 59
EPOV
As much as the thought of not having Bella in my life filled me with equal
amounts of dread and despair, I had to admit that - deep down - I had been
convinced all along that she would be better off without me. But her reaction when

she misinterpreted my words and thought I was breaking up with her made me
wonder if maybe I had been wrong.
Bella had selflessly been there for me right from the start, insisting again and
again that she cared about me - loved me, even. But I had never realized - or even
dared to imagine - that her feelings for me were that strong. She told me she
needed me just as much as I needed her, and for the first time, I started to think
that maybe I wouldnt do her any favors by letting her go.
Absurd as it may seem, maybe I had something to offer Bella after all. If not, then
why would the mere idea of losing me all but throw her into a fit of panic? To tell
the truth, it had scared me half to death, because I didnt know how to handle it.
And then it hit me that Bella had to feel the same way during my fucking episodes.
I felt the familiar stab of guilt in my chest.
I had come to rely deeply on Bella over the last couple of months, but I realized
she should be able to depend on me as well. And - as much as I hated to admit it it just wasnt possible as long as I was this broken and unstable. Because - no
matter how wrong it was - to Bella, my needs would always come first. I didnt
understand it, nor did I feel I deserved it, but nonetheless, I couldnt deny that it
was true.
So I had to get better for her. Bella needed a boyfriend she could trust not to freak
out on her on a daily basis, someone she could count on to be there for her when
she needed him. And it had become painfully clear to me that I could never be that
person if I didnt learn to control myself, if I wouldnt find a way to leave my
fucked up past behind me once and for all.
And that was not something I would be able to do by myself, not even with Bellas
never-ending love and support. I needed help. The only thing I could think of was
to swallow my pride - and fear - and give the dreaded therapy another chance. And
this time, I would force myself to take it seriously.
Because - God help me - I wanted to be normal. For Bella. She deserved nothing
less.
I had to admit Bella shocked me by suggesting she could join me at my therapy
sessions. In all honesty, I was torn. There was no doubt in my mind that I would
feel more comfortable with her around, but at the same time, it didnt seem fair to
put her through something like that. Then again, she told me it would be good for
her as well, and maybe she was right. I honestly didnt know what to think.
Well, at least I didnt have to answer right away. I decided to talk to Carlisle when

he got home, ask for his opinion.

I snapped out of my thoughts as Bella let out a soft humming sound, and I rested
my cheek on the top of her head. After what happened this morning - we still
hadnt addressed the subject, although I knew we would have to talk about it
eventually - it seemed almost surreal to be so close to her again. But it just felt so
good, and I could tell Bella was comfortable as well.
The chocolates getting cold, I mumbled, somewhat reluctantly, into her hair.
Dont really care, was her only reply. I didnt either, but I still felt a little bad for
letting it go to waste. After all, she had gone through the trouble of making it - I
didnt want her to think I was ungrateful. But then again, Bella seemed rather
content where she was, and I didnt want to ask her to move unless it was
absolutely necessary.
I think we wouldve just stayed right there on the couch - in the same position - for
the rest of the day if we hadnt eventually been interrupted. Lost in a bubble where
nothing else existed but the two of us, Bella and I both jumped at the sudden
sound of a throat being cleared carefully behind us.
It was with a sinking feeling I turned to look over my shoulder, inwardly cringing
and ducking my head in shame as I spotted Emmett standing awkwardly at the
bottom of the stairs, his hands shoved into his pockets. Suddenly I wished the floor
would just open up and swallow me, and when that didnt happen, my entire body
started screaming at me to get up and run.
Obviously sensing my discomfort, Bella started running her hand soothingly up
and down my back, which unfortunately - for once - did little to calm my nerves. I
couldnt bring myself to raise my head and face Emmett again - I was absolutely
terrified of looking at him and see the disgusted look on his face.
Tears of humiliation were burning in my eyes, but I flat-out refused to let them
fall. For what felt like hours, but couldnt have been more than a minute, the room
was dead silent, and I was starting to feel nauseous.
Then Emmett spoke up, sounding apologetic, Im sorry to bother you guys, but I
just wanted to let you know Dad called a little while ago.
I blinked, not sure why I was surprised, because I should have seen that coming.
Of course Carlisle had called Emmett right after I hung up on him. Forcing myself
to take a deep breath, I then merely nodded in understanding, stubbornly avoiding
to meet his eyes.

He said he talked to you, Emmett continued in a low, somewhat uncertain voice,

and I got the feeling he was just as uncomfortable by the situation as I was. When
I just grunted in confirmation, I could feel Bellas surprised and curious eyes on
me. But she remained silent as she kept rubbing my back, and I tried to force
myself to stay calm, breathing as steadily as I could, in and out.
Emmett was quiet for a moment, then took a hesitant step forward. Are you
okay? he asked, quietly.
My eyes shot to him before I could stop myself, and I was momentarily stunned by
what I saw. I had expected either repulsion or pity - and I honestly couldnt say
which I dreaded the most. But instead I found myself looking at the same
expression I used to see every time I looked into the mirror.
Guilt.
I swallowed hard, quickly averting my eyes. Yeah, Im fine, I mumbled then,
hating the way my voice trembled.
Look, I... Emmett started, and then he hesitated for a moment. I just want you
to know that-
Dont! I cut him off, having intended to sound demanding, but was horrified
when it came out more as a plea. Bella gave my hand a gentle squeeze, and I was
beyond grateful for her presence. If she hadnt been right there holding on to me,
Im pretty sure I would have simply taken off again.
However, Emmetts next words came as a total shock to me and turned my world
completely upside-down. You have nothing to be ashamed of, he told me in a
husky, yet firm voice. My head shot up again, and I stared at him in disbelief. That
was when I noticed that his eyes were red-rimmed, and I frowned.
Had he been crying?
My eyes narrowed, but I couldnt bring myself to respond. Fuck, even if I hadnt
been certain my voice would betray me if I tried to speak, I wouldnt know what to
say. I cast a helpless look at Bella, who offered me a soft smile and nodded in
agreement. Hes right, you know, she whispered.
I remained silent, not sure what to think. Bella would tell me the same thing, over
and over again, and I had come to realize she truly believed it. As did Carlisle and
Esme, but they would have to say things like that out of obligation - at least that

was what I used to tell myself.

But I couldnt see any reason for Emmett to lie just to make me feel better. So
what did that mean? I suddenly felt like my head was spinning, and somehow
found the courage to glance at him again. As he calmly met my eyes and held my
gaze, I saw nothing but sincerity and understanding.
And just like that, I felt some of the tension leave my body. Bella seemed to
notice, because she changed posture and straightened a little, although she didnt
let go of my hand as she gave Emmett a tentative smile. Theres some hot
chocolate left in the kitchen if you want some. She blushed. Actually, its
probably lukewarm by now, but... Her voice trailed off and she shrugged.
Oh. Emmett sounded surprised. Um, thanks, but I dont think... He gave me a
questioning look, clearly unsure of my approval.
I rolled my eyes. Just get the fucking chocolate. His face lit up and he hurried
towards the kitchen.
Bella smiled at me, running her thumb over my knuckles. See, I told you this was
a good thing. You dont have anything to worry about.
I still had a hard time taking in what had just happened. But the fact that I
suddenly felt more at ease around Emmett than I could remember ever having
done before wasnt lost on me. So maybe she was right. I exhaled loudly and
slumped back into the couch, feeling like a huge weight had just lifted from my
shoulders.
Emmett returned a moment later, a large cup of chocolate in one hand and a bag of
mini marshmallows in the other. After a brief moments hesitation, he sat down at
the far side of the couch, opened the bag and threw a handful of white fluffy
marshmallows into his chocolate. Less than a minute later, his cup was empty and
he started eating right out of the bag.
Bella stared at him, her face a mixture of horror and fascination. I just shook my
head, having witnessed him pig out for years.
Oblivious of the attention, Emmett reached for the remote to the TV and turned the
sound back on. Then he flipped through the channels until he found something he
seemed to like, and leaned back on the couch with a satisfied grunt. I looked at
him in confusion, because all of a sudden he was acting like the last couple of
hours had never happened, like everything was perfectly normal.

But then he glanced at me over Bellas head, and our eyes met. That was when I
found myself wondering if this was his way of letting me know things were cool that we didnt have to talk, at least not right now. The thought made me relax even
more, and I turned my attention to the TV. For now, I didnt have to think about
the humiliating events of this morning, or the fact that my shameful secret was out.
It was a while later when the door opened and Alice stepped inside. She smiled
widely when she spotted all three of us on the couch, and shrugged out of her
jacket. It finally stopped raining, she announced happily, practically skipping
over to us. Then her eyes narrowed suspiciously. Is that hot chocolate?
Bella smiled. Ill get you some. She got up, but not before looking at me, as if to
make sure I was okay with her moving and leaving me alone with Alice and
Emmett. I gave her an assuring nod, hating for her to feel like she had to ask for
my permission to leave my side, but at the same time appreciating the gesture.
Alice plonked herself down on the couch, making sure to leave some room for
Bella. So, whats up?
Not much, Emmett responded with a nonchalant shrug, and I instantly knew he
hadnt called her to inform her about what he had found out. For that I was beyond
grateful. It was more than enough that he knew, I didnt think I would be able to
deal with Alice as well. Someday, maybe, but not today. That would just be too
much.
Sometimes I could swear Alice had a sixth sense, because the way her eyes now
darted between me and Emmett told me she knew something was up. But
thankfully, she didnt say anything. A moment later, Bella returned with another
cup of chocolate, handing it to Alice before sitting back down next to me.
After a few minutes of silence, Emmett started making mocking comments about
the TV show, and it didnt take long before Alice joined in. Every once in a while
Bella would giggle at their antics, although her attention mainly stayed on me. I
remained silent, realizing I still had too much on my mind to focus on what went
on at the screen.
It was a strange - almost alien - feeling, the four of us sitting together on the couch
watching TV like normal people. Then again, they were all perfectly normal, it
was just me who was a freak. As if she had read my mind, Bella turned to look at
me with a frown on her face. I raised a brow in question, feigning innocence. It
wasnt like I had actually said the words out loud.
I had always preferred to keep to myself, distancing myself from the rest of the

family. But as much as my body itched to get up, drag Bella with me and flee
upstairs to my room, I tried to force myself to stay where I was. And not only
because it was obvious that Bella enjoyed the company - a part of me wanted to at
least try to interact with Alice and Emmett without lashing out or biting their heads
off.
Not to mention that - deep down - I couldnt help but fear Emmett would fill Alice
in as soon as I left the room. Then I felt bad thinking like that, because so far, he
had been nothing but fucking supportive, much more so than I deserved. I just
wasnt used to seeing this guilt-ridden, remorseful side of him. Suddenly I didnt
know what to expect from him, and it left me feeling uncertain and vulnerable.
It had been so much easier back when I was fully convinced he hated my guts.
Then I could just ignore him, and I didnt have to feel bad for treating him like
crap.
Luckily, no one seemed to mind that I wouldnt participate in the conversation.
Alice and Emmett were used to my silence, and Bella seemed more than pleased
just by the fact that I was there. It was a relief not having to talk. Because right
now, I couldnt even sort out the thoughts in my head.
What would happen now? I had told Bella I needed to go back to therapy, and she
had seemed happy with my decision. But what if I did, only to fail again? What if
it wouldnt work, no matter how hard I tried? The thought of facing my past and
acknowledge how badly James had actually hurt me - not only to myself, but to
some stranger who got paid for listening to my fucked up shit - terrified me.
There would be no turning back this time. If I started seeing another therapist, I
couldnt just clam up and wait for the hour to pass. I would not only have to listen,
but talk as well. Talk about what happened, dwelling on my sickening memories in
hopes of finally being able to accept them and move on. Fucking bullshit! Like
that was even possible.
I think I startled everyone when I jumped up from the couch, making an effort to
cross the room and calmly walk into the kitchen instead of running. One moment
things had been okay, and in the next, I was in a desperate need of some space. As
I headed for the sink and poured myself some water, I prayed nobody would
follow.
I wanted to get better, so badly it ached. I wanted Bella to be proud of me, and I
wanted to feel good about myself. I just wanted to be fucking normal, but what if
it was too late? What if I really was broken beyond repair? Was there even any
hope for me? Maybe I was doomed to stay this way for the rest of my life -

plagued by nightmares every night and haunted by the demons in my head during
the day.
No. I refused to believe that. I had to make it work. Somehow, I would become a
whole person, worthy of Bellas love. Somehow, I would be able to give her what
she deserved.
James had nearly destroyed me, and yet I was still here. And I wasnt alone.
Edward? I turned around at the sound of Bellas soft voice. She was standing in
the doorway, worrying her bottom lip between her teeth, and I could tell she was
unsure of whether or not to approach me. Do you want to be alone? she asked
quietly, and I knew she would do whatever I told her, whether I asked her to stay
or leave.
Yes. No. Fuck! Bella gave me a sympathetic smile, but remained where she was.
I rolled my eyes. Im okay, I just need a moment. You can stay if you want.
Seeing her hesitation, I added a soft, Please? She immediately nodded, looking
relieved, and stepped into the room.
We didnt talk, because words didnt seem necessary. I finished my water and then
put the empty glass down on the kitchen counter. Bella watched me in silence. I
reached out my hand, and she took it and held it between hers.
It was well past noon when we heard the sound of Carlisles Mercedes out in the
driveway. Carlisle and Esme were home.

Chapter 60
BPOV
Edward's reaction when he saw Emmett at the bottom of the stairs was downright
painful to watch. As he ducked his head and shrank back into the couch, I could
feel his anxiety as if it was my own. But I would be lying if I said I didn't feel for
Emmett as well. The truth was, I had never seen him looking more uncomfortable.
I desperately searched my mind for something to say to ease the tension, but then I
felt that it wasn't my place. This time, I needed to stand back. So I just kept
rubbing Edward's back soothingly, hoping it would calm him down a little, and
waited to see how Emmett would handle the situation.

And I have to say he surprised me.

I don't know what I had been expecting, but Emmett's quiet acceptance seemed to
be exactly what Edward needed. Sometimes, words just weren't necessary, and this
was obviously one of those moments. When I finally felt Edward relax, I let out
the breath I had been holding.
Then Alice came home, and all four of us ended up on the couch watching TV. It
felt almost surreal, because whenever I visited the Cullens, I would always hang
out with either Edward or Alice - separately. This was a whole new experience for
me, and I had to admit it was nice.
Edward had been mostly quiet, but in all honesty, I hadn't really expected
otherwise. I knew that - unless it was just the two of us - he rarely interacted with
other people, his family included. It made my heart hurt for all of them, but then
again, the fact that he was even sitting here, especially after what happened this
morning, seemed like a huge progress. It almost seemed too good to be true.
So I wasn't really surprised when he suddenly jumped up from the couch and left
the room without a word. Concerned - yes. But not surprised. To tell the truth, a
part of me had just been waiting for the other shoe to drop. I started to get up as
well, but Alice put her hand on my arm to stop me.
"What's wrong, Bella?" she asked softly, an almost pleading note in her voice. In
that moment, I felt truly sorry for her, because I realized she was the only one in
her family who had no idea what was going on. It seemed wrong, seeing how she
had always tried - in her own way - to be there for Edward.
I knew more about her brother's past than she did. That may be the way Edward
wanted it, but it didn't make me feel any less guilty. I bit my lip, having no idea
how to respond.
Luckily, Emmett seemed to sense my dilemma and came to my rescue, "Nothing's
wrong, Alice. Edward and I had a bit of a situation before, but we're cool now.
Nothing to worry about."
Alice glanced at me, and I just nodded in agreement. She seemed somewhat
appeased by the explanation, but not completely. However, she obviously decided
to let it go for now. For that I was grateful. I made a mental note to myself to talk
to Edward. Emmett knew the truth now - it didn't seem fair that Alice should be
kept out of the loop. She loved Edward, and she would never judge him.

But it had to be Edward's decision. I could only make the suggestion - the rest was
up to him.
"Excuse me," I mumbled, getting up and heading for the kitchen. I needed to make
sure Edward was okay.
I found him over by the sink with a glass of water in his hand, staring out into the
distance. As I softly called out his name, he turned around to face me. I wanted to
go to him, but didn't know if he was in a mood for company. After all, he must
have left the room for a reason.
Then again, maybe he was just really thirsty.
"Do you want to be alone?" I asked, hoping he would say no. Much to my relief,
he asked me to stay, and I hurried to close the distance between us. He held out his
hand, which I took without hesitation. For a long time, we just stood there in
silence.
Then I heard the familiar sound of a car outside. Edward tilted his head to the side,
and I knew he had heard as well. I gave him a questioning look, watching how he
straightened up. "Is that...?"
He nodded. "Carlisle and Esme are back." There was a hint of relief on his face. "I
need to talk to them."
"Oh, okay." I gave him a soft smile of encouragement. "Do you want me to stay,
or...?" Seeing his torn expression, I hurried to add, "I should probably head home
soon. I promised Charlie I wouldn't be gone all day. But I can stay a little while
longer if you want."
"I always want you to stay," Edward admitted quietly, and my heart melted. "But
this might take a while. You should go home to your dad. I'll call you later."
"All right. Just..." I hesitated a little before I went on, "Look, Emmett was right.
There is absolutely nothing for you to be ashamed of. You didn't do anything
wrong, not in the past, and not this morning." I looked him right in the eyes,
although I felt my cheeks flush as I said the last part. I had not meant to bring it
up, but suddenly I felt like I had to.
I just couldn't go home and let Edward think he had hurt me or made me feel
uncomfortable, even for a moment. The fact that he had been anything but
comfortable at the time remained, but that was something we would just have to
work on. He needed to understand that things were okay between us. It was

something I just couldn't stress enough.

He swallowed hard. "Bella, about this morning-"
"Edward, it's okay," I cut him off, squeezing his hand. "I loved sleeping and
waking up with you, but I'm sorry it made you feel uncomfortable."
"No, I..." He lowered his eyes, clearly embarrassed. I waited for him to go on, but
he seemed to have a hard time finding the right words.
"We don't have to talk about it now. I just want you to know that we're okay." I
hoped he could tell that I was being sincere. He watched me intently for a
moment, and I got the feeling he was trying to see right into my soul. Then he
nodded, but remained silent.
I heard the front door open and close in the other room, and glanced at Edward. It
was time to go and greet his parents.
OoO
EPOV
As Bella and I left the kitchen hand in hand, I realized I was happy Carlisle and
Esme were back. It occurred to me that I had always just taken their presence for
granted, having been so used to having them around. I didn't really like to admit
that I had actually missed them, because that would be the same as to admit
feeling affection and attachment.
But nonetheless, it felt good to know they were home, and not just because I was
in a desperate need of advice.
"Hello, Edward. Bella. It's good to see you." Carlisle's face was a mixture of
concern and relief when he saw me, and I suspected he had half expected me to
ignore his request of going home.
"Yeah," I mumbled, seeing Bella nod in agreement. I hesitated a moment before I
continued, deciding to act before I lost my courage, "Um, look, I'm sure you guys
want to unpack and stuff, but when you've got a moment, I kind of need to talk to
you."
"Of course," Carlisle responded immediately, glancing at Esme. "Unpacking can

wait until later. Do you want to go to my office, or...?" He left the rest of the
sentence hanging, eying me questioningly.
Before I got the chance to answer, Bella spoke up softly, "I'll just head home now,
give you guys some privacy. Carlisle, Esme - thank you so much for letting me
spend the night. Edward?" She looked at me, blushing slightly. "Call me later?"
"I will," I promised, wishing we were alone in the room so I could tell her
goodbye properly. Then I thought hell with it' and pulled her into my arms,
hugging her tightly. I let out a contented sigh as I felt her melt into my embrace.
"Love you," I whispered into her ear so only she would be able to hear, amazed by
how easily the words rolled over my lips now. However, I wasn't ready to
announce my feelings out loud.
As good as it felt to hear myself utter those words, it was nothing compared to
how I felt when Bella echoed my declaration, for my ears only. "I love you, too,"
she murmured. Then she pulled back and gave me a soft peck on the lips. When I
finally - most reluctantly - released her, I suddenly remembered we had an
audience, and felt myself tense up.
But to my surprise - and relief - Alice and Emmett had suddenly become
completely engrossed in some reality show, and Carlisle and Esme were both
staring out the window, obviously finding something extremely interesting on the
other side. I wasn't stupid - I realized they were all just putting on a show trying to
give me and Bella some privacy.
Still, I appreciated the gesture as I felt the tension leave my body.
As soon as Bella had left, Carlisle asked me again if I wanted to take our
conversation into his office, and after a moment's hesitation, I agreed. When Esme
announced - somewhat dejectedly - that she would go to the kitchen and make us
all a late lunch, I realized I hadn't expressed myself clearly.
I cleared my throat, self-consciously lowering my eyes to the floor. "Actually, I
wanted to talk to both of you." I glanced at Esme, nervously awaiting her reaction.
"Oh." Her eyes widened in surprise, and I didn't miss the hope that flashed across
her face. "I'm sorry, I didn't realize... Of course."
I suddenly felt Emmett's eyes on me, and reluctantly cast a brief look in his
direction. Although I couldn't quite read his expression, I didn't fail to notice the
pained look on his face, and I couldn't help but wonder what was going through
his mind in that moment.

But somehow, I managed to push all thoughts of him to the back of my mind as I
wordlessly headed for Carlisle's office, knowing he and Esme would follow. When
Carlisle closed the door quietly behind us, I realized they were expecting me to
start explaining exactly what happened this morning, and I had no idea how to
even begin.
Esme sat down on the couch, and I wondered if she had picked up on my sudden
distress and decided to help me out as she spoke up in a soft voice, "It's so good to
be home. I know we've only been gone for one night, but we've missed the three of
you so much." A pause. "How are you, sweetie? We got so worried after your
phone call. I take it things worked out with Bella?"
I nodded, feeling pretty stupid. "Yeah, sorry about that. Didn't mean to freak you
out. I shouldn't have called."
"Oh, no, that's not what I..." Esme hesitated a little. "Edward, do you have any idea
how much it meant to me and Carlisle to hear from you this morning? We were so
happy you trusted us enough to make that call. I just wish we could've been there
for you in person."
Carlisle nodded in agreement as he sat down as well, choosing one of the arm
chairs. "Esme is right, son. We want nothing more than for you to feel comfortable
coming to either of us whenever you need to talk. And if we're not around, you can
call us at any time. You never have to apologize for that." I nodded again, feeling a
lump in my throat at his words.
He went on after a moment's hesitation, "Now, do you want to tell us about what
happened?"
I opened my mouth, about to say no out of pure habit. Then I mentally rolled my
eyes, reminding myself that I had been the one insisting on having this
conversation in the first place. Of course, that didn't make it any easier. I took a
deep breath, willing myself to relax, which was easier said than done. "Not sure
where to start," I muttered, wrapping my arms protectively around my body.
"Why don't you just sit down?" Carlisle suggested in a calm voice. Realizing I was
the only one standing, I nodded obediently and slid down on the couch, on the far
side from Esme. When I remained silent, he continued, "Maybe you could start by
telling us about Emmett?"
He made it come out as a question, making it clear he would leave the decision to
me. I could refuse if I wanted to. But I found myself nodding in agreement. Still,

the words wouldn't come. I let out a frustrated groan. "Fuck! I can't do this."
"Sure you can," Carlisle insisted. "Just take your time, and begin when you're
ready." I glanced at Esme. She gave me an encouraging smile, although I could see
a slight hint of concern on her face.
Suddenly I longed for a cigarette, just to have something to do with my hands to
keep them from shaking. I knew Carlisle and Esme had never approved of my
smoking, although they would let it pass most of the time, as long as I didn't do it
in the house. Now I could barely remember the last time I actually felt the need to
light a cigarette, though. It must've been weeks ago.
Most likely because I seemed to have found my much needed distraction and
comfort elsewhere.
"I didn't mean for him to find out. He just..." I shrugged, "...figured it out by
himself." I knew they could tell there was more behind the story, but I wasn't ready
to explain why Emmett had been in my room in the first place - I was too
embarrassed to admit what happened between me and Bella.
"So how did he take it?" Esme asked carefully, and I was grateful she didn't push
me for the details I wasn't comfortable giving away.
"I, uh, took off before he could say anything," I admitted with another shrug. It felt
strange, talking to them so openly, something I had never really allowed myself to
do in the past. But I realized - to my surprise - that it wasn't nearly as frightening
as I had expected.
"You should know that I already spoke with Emmett," Carlisle told me quietly. "I
called him right after you hung up, because I was hoping he could explain a little
more what happened. I hope you understand."
"Yeah, I heard," I mumbled. "What did he... I mean..." I wanted to know what
Emmett had told him, but found that I couldn't bring myself to ask. A part of me
was afraid of the answer.
"Naturally, he was very upset. He wanted to know why he and Alice had never
been informed about the situation. I tried to explain that this was the way you
wanted it, and that Esme and I had to respect your decision." Carlisle looked me
right in the eyes as he went on, "After he had calmed down a little, he asked me
how he could help you."
I just stared at him, stunned. Carlisle watched me silently for a moment, and then

continued, "Edward, I realize you and Emmett have never been close, but there's
no doubt in my mind that he genuinely wishes to change that. I assure you that he
truly cares about you, and if you would just give him a chance, I believe it would
be of great benefit for both of you."
Having no idea how to respond to that, I swallowed hard and looked away.
He sighed. "I know this is a lot for you to take in at once, but I also think you
should consider telling Alice." My eyes shot to him in alarm, and as if he had
sensed my rising panic, he hurried to add, "Just think about it - that's all I ask. It's
not something you have to decide right now. Just remember that - like Emmett Alice would never judge you. That's something I know for a fact."
Not trusting my voice, I just shrugged again. Maybe he was right. But that didn't
make the idea any less terrifying. I honestly didn't know if I could do it, but
decided to do as Carlisle asked and at least take it under consideration. Because I
remembered the relief I had felt when it hit me that I wouldn't have to keep my
past from Bella anymore. Maybe it was time to stop hiding, once and for all.
But right now, there was something else I needed to talk to them about. I took a
couple of deep, calming breaths, deciding to just get it over with. "I've been
thinking..." I started hesitantly, my eyes locked on a spot next to my feet. "Maybe I
should give therapy another chance."
I heard Esme's sharp intake of air, but didn't dare raising my head to face her. They
were both silent for a moment, until Carlisle finally spoke up, softly, "Well, I have
to admit this comes as quite a surprise. May I ask what caused you to change your
mind?"
Bella, and the thought of some day actually being worthy of her, I thought to
myself. Out loud, I responded in a low voice, "I just wanna be able to leave this
fucking shit behind me and move on."
"Oh sweetie, I'm so happy to hear you say that," Esme whispered, and I finally
looked up at her, seeing how her eyes were glistening.
"Me too," Carlisle agreed, only to hesitate a little before adding, "As long as this is
really what you want. We'll be with you every step of the way, if you just let us."
I hated that it was so fucking hard to get the words out. "Yeah, I need to do this." I
paused, knowing he could hear the uncertainty in my voice as I went on, "Um, I
was hoping you might be able to help me find somebody...?"

Carlisle nodded immediately, his expression turning thoughtful. "Actually, I may

already have someone in mind. Let me just make a quick phone call." He started to
get up, and my eyes widened - I had not expected him to jump into action right
away. But then again, it was probably just as well.
Might as well act quickly, before I chickened out and changed my mind. I figured
he was thinking the same thing. So instead of objecting, I just grunted in
agreement. A part of me couldn't believe I was actually going to do this. As
Carlisle moved across the room and slipped behind his large desk, I couldn't help
but gulp.
Feeling Esme's eyes on me, I glanced at her, and was met by a warm smile. "It's
going to be all right," she told me in a soft voice. I could only nod. She must have
seen the conflict and fear in my eyes, because she scooted closer to me and
reached out her hand - clearly acting out of pure instinct - only to freeze in her
tracks and let her hand drop when she realized what she was doing.
"It's okay," I mumbled quietly, and when I saw her confusion, I clarified, "You can
touch me."

Chapter 61
EPOV
I watched how Esmes expression changed - from confusion to hope, and finally to
pure astonishment. Edward... she whispered, her eyes searching my face almost
desperately, clearly looking for some kind of sign that I wasnt serious, that I
hadnt meant what I just said.
Thats what hurts the most, you know? Not being able to hold my boy when hes
hurting.
Esmes voice rang in my head, and for the first time, I allowed her words to really
sink in. After everything she had done for me, I owed her this. But in all honesty, it
wasnt just for her. I needed to do this, or to be more accurate - I needed to know
that I could do it.
It shouldnt be so fucking hard.
I took a deep breath, and repeated my words, Its okay. I know you wont hurt

me. And I meant it. Deep down, I wondered if I hadnt known all along. I didnt
want to feel aversion to physical contact from anyone besides Bella for the rest of
my life, and I knew in my heart that I didnt really have any reason to. It was all in
my head. And I just wanted to overcome my fears, once and for all.
However, I suspected it wouldnt be that easy. But this was a start. If I could do
this, then maybe I wasnt a complete lost cause after all. Maybe there was still
hope for me.
Maybe.
Esmes eyes never left my face as she slowly raised her hand again, reaching out
for me as in slow motion. As her fingers finally reached mine, she inhaled shakily
and then covered my hand with hers, so lightly I barely even felt it. I waited for
the familiar panic to set in, knowing she would pull back immediately if I showed
the slightest sign of not being comfortable.
I prayed it wouldnt happen, for her sake as well as mine.
Is this all right, sweetie? she asked in a somewhat unsteady voice, sounding both
hopeful and slightly afraid at the same time. Those were feelings I could relate to.
Swallowing hard, I nodded. I even managed a small smile I hoped would be
assuring. Its fine, I whispered, truthfully. And it was. My hand was trembling
slightly, but I didnt feel threatened in any way. If anything, I felt safe, even as she
added a little more pressure and gave my hand a gentle squeeze. And the
revelation was stunning.
While Esmes touch was different from Bellas, it was also similar in some ways.
It was calming, comforting, and I found myself wondering what I had been so
afraid of. An uncertain chuckle escaped me as I watched our hands in fascination.
Can I...? She hesitated, and when I raised my head to look at her questioningly, I
saw a sudden hint of fear flicker in her eyes. Can I... hug you?
I glanced at Carlisle, who was facing away from us as he was still sitting behind
his desk, speaking quietly into the phone. Trying not to pay attention to what he
was saying - I figured I would find out soon enough - I then turned back to Esme. I
had been bracing myself for this, knowing it was coming.
Obviously taking my silence for rejection, she quickly waved her other hand in
dismissal, putting on a brave smile. Never mind, Im sorry. Im pushing things
too far, arent I? I didnt mean to put any pressure on you, honey, I realize its too

soon. Just forget I said anything.

I shook my head, not wanting her to feel bad. No, I... My eyes went back to her
hand, still on top of mine. I think that would be okay, I finally mumbled, hoping
I was right.
Sweetheart, if youre worrying about hurting my feelings... Esme carefully let
her fingers intertwine with mine, picking up my hand and holding it between hers
after a brief moments hesitation. I still didnt feel any hint of panic, and managed
to keep my breathing calm and steady. You dont have to do this. Im just grateful
youre trusting me this much.
I do trust you. I just... I sighed, not sure how to explain so she would understand.
It didnt even make sense in my head. I had been pushing them away for as long as
I could remember, distancing myself in hope it would keep me from getting hurt
again. All this time, I never even knew how to let anyone in, and I sure as hell
hadnt been interested in learning. It was me against the world, and I had accepted
it.
And then, just like that, everything had changed. Suddenly the whole existing but
not living thing wasnt enough anymore - I wanted more. I was just afraid to ask
for it, having been told again and again what a failure I was, that I could never do
anything right and that I didnt deserve anything good in my life.
Years may have passed, and yet in a way, I was still the same frightened, broken
boy left at James mercy every night. I used to hate him and fear him at the same
time, and even now - thousands of miles away and kept on life support - the
bastard was still controlling my life, he still held power over me, because I let him.
And I was fucking sick of it. I had once told Bella that Id never had a life, and
that may be true, but I fucking wanted one now. I didnt want to be broken
anymore.
So I stubbornly raised my head and faced Esme again, holding her gaze as I slowly
moved to close the distance between us. She watched me with large, hopeful eyes,
and then - after searching my face intently, no doubt looking for any sign of
discomfort - she slowly opened her arms and wrapped them carefully around me.
Then she sat perfectly still, as if she feared even the slightest movement from her
side would scare me away. I told myself to relax and almost succeeded, although I
couldnt bring myself to lift my arms and return the embrace. It wasnt that I was
uncomfortable, not really. Just a bit overwhelmed. More than just a bit, to tell the
truth. Luckily Esme seemed to understand, because a moment later, she pulled

back.
She opened her mouth, her eyes full of concern, but I spoke up before she could
say anything. Im fine. The relief on her face was palpable, and for a moment
she just looked at me, her bottom lip wobbling. I frowned, wondering why she was
suddenly becoming so emotional.
To me this was huge - I had actually been able to remain calm and accept her hug
without getting a panic attack, something I knew would have been impossible just
a few months ago. But the look on Esmes face now told me it had meant just as
much to her.
Obviously sensing my confusion, Esme quickly brushed away a tear and gave me
a watery smile. Im sorry, dont mind me. I just... She took a deep breath, clearly
trying to get her emotions under control. Thank you, she then whispered. I
didnt quite understand why she felt the need to thank me, so I just nodded in
acknowledgment.
That was when I remembered that Carlisle was still in the room. Casting a look
over my shoulder, I realized he had ended his phone call and was now watching
me and Esme in silence, his expression a mixture of shock and wonder. When he
saw that I was looking at him, he cleared his throat and stood up.
Edward, we have an appointment on Wednesday, with Dr. Angela Weber. She has
her office in Port Angeles, so well be leaving right after school. Carlisle paused.
She wants to meet all of us before your first session, so Esme and I will both
accompany you. I hope that is okay with you.
I just nodded, struggling to suppress the familiar feeling of dread at the thought of
seeing yet another therapist. Going back to therapy had been my idea - I would
just have to push my fears aside and go through with it. Besides, it felt like this
was my last chance. Should I fail this time - when I was finally ready to give it an
honest try - it would prove that I was doomed to stay broken forever.
Carlisle went on, somewhat cautiously, Dr. Weber may be young, but shes been
highly recommended by her colleagues, and Ive been told she is an excellent
counselor. In fact... he looked me right in the eyes as he went on, She specializes
in children and young adults who have been... sexually abused.
My mouth suddenly felt dry, and I felt my heart starting to beat faster. But I forced
myself to breathe calmly, in and out. I could do this. I had to.
While I did my best to hide my sudden distress, I realized Carlisle wasnt fooled

by my seemingly calm behavior. Edward, listen to me. I think its wonderful that
you are willing to accept that you need help, and I couldnt be more proud of you
for coming to that conclusion by yourself. But you need to remember that things
wont change over night.
I blinked in confusion. I dont understand.
He slowly crossed the room and sat down in the chair again, keeping his eyes on
me. Im not going to lie to you. This will not be easy. You say you want to put
your past behind you and move on, but to be able to do that, youre going to have
to push yourself harder than ever before. Its going to be painful, and there will be
times where youll be ready to give up.
I opened my mouth, but he held up his hand to stop me and continued, I realize
this may come out as brutal, but I see no point in sugarcoating. You need to know
what to expect, and I want you to be prepared to fight, Edward. Dont let your
demons beat you. I believe in you, and I know you can do this. But my opinion
isnt really important. You need to believe in yourself.
Not trusting my voice to hold if I tried to speak, I remained silent. Esme spoke up,
softly, We both believe in you, sweetie, and we will always be here for you. But
Carlisle is right. You are so much stronger than you give yourself credit for. The
fact that youre here now proves it. I just wish you could see yourself the way we
see you. Carlisle nodded in agreement.
I let out a bitter laugh. Are you kidding? Im not strong. Im a fucking wreck.
Esme swallowed visibly, shaking her head in protest. No, honey, thats not true.
Cant you see how far youve come? How much progress youve made? Her
voice cracked. After all these years, youre finally letting other people touch you.
Do you have any idea how amazing that is? I cant even... she clapped her hand
over her mouth to stifle a sob.
I closed my eyes for a moment, hating the fact that I had upset her. But I just
couldnt seem to help myself. Bella had once said that she was hurting when I was
hurting, and it suddenly occurred to me that the same seemed to go for Esme and
Carlisle. I needed to get better, not just for myself, but for all of them.
Im sorry, I mumbled. Ill try. Esme opened her mouth but I cut her off,
suddenly remembering something, Hey, can Bella come on Wednesday?
Oh, well, I... Esme started after a brief moments hesitation, casting an uncertain
look at Carlisle.

Um... He looked slightly taken aback as well. Is this something you and Bella
have been discussing together?
I nodded. She asked if she could come to some of my sessions with me. I told her
Id think about it.
I see. Carlisle was quiet for a moment. Actually, I know Dr. Weber will also be
holding group therapy sessions, as well as counseling for family members and
friends of people who have been through what you have. Im sure it could be
arranged for her to join you occasionally, if thats what you both want. But... He
hesitated.
But what? I asked, suspiciously.
He let out a sigh. Nothing. A pause. Would you mind if I talk to Bella about
this?
I shrugged. Thats fine with me.
Thank you. He looked relieved. Now, I know all of this is a lot for you to take
in. Is there anything else you want to talk about? Or do you have any questions?
I raised a brow in question. About the therapy?
He nodded. That, or anything else.
Yeah, what if it doesnt work? What if I cant do this? What makes this shrink so
different from all the other fuckers Ive been forced to see over the years? What
are the chances shell come to the same conclusion as the last one - that Im
beyond help - and tell me to leave? Will I ever become a whole person?
No, I dont have any questions, I lied, pretty sure he wouldnt have the answers
anyway. Or if he did, I probably wouldnt like it. I could tell by his somewhat
skeptical expression that he wasnt fully convinced, but thankfully, he didnt push.
Later that night, I called Bella like I had promised. She sounded both relieved and
delighted to hear from me, and the genuine happiness in her voice made me feel
all warm inside. When she asked me how the talk with Carlisle and Esme went, I
filled her in without hesitation.
Youre really going through with this, arent you? Bellas voice was full of awe.
Baby, Im so proud of you. Whatever happens now, well get through it together.

Ill be there for you, and so will your family. Just... She hesitated a little.
Edward, now that Emmett knows what happened to you... Maybe you should talk
to Alice as well?
I held back a sigh. Carlisle said the same thing.
There was a brief moment of silence, and then Bella asked, quietly, And what did
you tell him?
Nothing, really, I admitted, remembering how I had changed the subject and
started talking about the therapy instead. I dont know, Bella. A part of me feels
like maybe I should tell her, but I dont know if I can do it. I mean, Emmett found
out by himself, it wasnt like I actually... I let out a frustrated sigh, not knowing
how to explain.
Oh. I could tell by the sound of her voice that she understood. Itll be a lot
harder to actually sit down and tell Alice the entire story. I get it. A pause. But I
think youd feel much better afterwards, when youll see that she wont judge
you.
Again, almost exactly Carlisles words. I suppressed the urge to roll my eyes.
Deep down, I suspected - or at least hoped - they were both right. But I didnt
know what kind of reaction to expect from Alice, should I decide to come clean.
And it left me with an uneasy feeling inside. I honestly didnt know what would be
worse - repulsion or pity.
Then again - so far, anyway - Emmett had expressed neither. But on the other
hand, I hadnt really given him the chance.
When I didnt respond, Bella went on, Do you really wish Emmett hadnt found
out? That things would still be the way they were before?
I opened my mouth, then closed it again. My spontaneous reaction had been to say
yes, but when I thought about it, I realized it wasnt that simple. I couldnt deny
that a part of me was actually a bit relieved. If the truth about my past was out in
the open, maybe I wouldnt constantly have to be on my guard.
If I could just bring myself to tell Alice as well, maybe I would finally be able to
relax a little, at least around the house.
I guess not, I mumbled in response to Bellas question. She remained silent,
clearly waiting for me to continue. I sighed. I dont know what you want me to
say. Im scared, Bella. Im fucking terrified. I feel like everythings suddenly

happening so fast, I cant even keep up.

For some reason, I was no longer ashamed of telling Bella how I really felt. I knew
she would understand. Somehow, she always did. In fact, there were times when it
seemed like she understood me better than I understood myself.
I know, baby, she now told me, softly. I realize this is scary, but I honestly
believe it would be for the best. If you can talk to Alice and Emmett - really talk then theyll be able to understand you better, and help you. She paused. Dont
you see, Edward? You dont have to go through all of this alone?
I let out a gust of air and pinched the bridge of my nose. Yeah, I see your point.
Ill try, all right? But not tonight - it would just be too much. Maybe in a couple of
days.
Of course, Bella instantly agreed, relief evident in her voice. Whenever youre
ready. A beat. Um, if you want me to be there, as moral support...
No, I cut her off immediately. She fell silent, and for a moment, I was afraid I
had offended her, or hurt her feelings. I hurried to add, Bella, please dont get me
wrong. I just feel like this is something I should do by myself. I held my breath,
waiting for her reaction.
She was quiet for a moment, and when she finally spoke up, her voice was thick
with repressed emotion. Edward, Im sorry. I just want to make things easier for
you, so badly, I dont even realize when Im mollycoddling you. Ill try to back off
a little, as long as you promise to let me know when you really need me. It
sounded like she was on the verge of tears.
I will. I hesitated a little before I changed the subject, Hey, do you want me to
come pick you up before school tomorrow?
Sure, as long as you dont mind. She sounded hopeful, yet a little uncertain.
Of course I dont mind, I told her sincerely, then added after a brief moments
hesitation, I love you. Every time I uttered the words, they seemed to come out a
little more natural than the last.
I love you, too, baby, she assured me in a husky voice. So much. You have no
idea.
And - at least for the moment - all my worries and fears melted away.

Chapter 62
BPOV
Monday morning seemed to come way too fast, and at the same time, it couldnt
come quickly enough. I think it was safe to say I was torn. While I couldnt wait to
see Edward again - I had come to love Biology, simply because it was practically
the only class we had together - it was also the beginning of the last week before
spring break.
Normally, I would be thrilled to have a week off from school, but not this time. It
was my upcoming trip to Phoenix that put a damper on my mood, because not
only would I have to leave Edward for a couple of days, I would also have to face
Phil for the first time since I left Arizona and moved to Forks. And I was scared,
whether I liked to admit it or not.
Dont get me wrong - Phil and I had always been getting along. Of all the men
who could have ended up with my mother, Id have to say he was probably the
best choice - aside from Charlie, of course. It wasnt that I didnt want to see him,
because we had been pretty close once, and I had really missed him.
Still, it was a reunion I was looking forward to with dread. The thought of meeting
Phil didnt bother me - it was the thought of meeting a grieving Phil. There was no
doubt in my mind that he was mourning Renee every bit as much as I was. Caught
up in my own pain, would I even have any comfort to offer him?
I had shared parts of my fears with both Edward and Alice, knowing they wouldnt
be able to provide me with any answers, but at the time, it hadnt really seemed
necessary. I just needed them to listen. A part of me still felt kind of bad for
bothering Edward with my problems, seeing how he had enough of his own to
deal with, especially now. But I wisely kept those thoughts to myself.
Edward wouldnt see things the way I saw them. If anything, he would feel guilty
for not being able to be there for me and support me. More than once, I had
regretted dropping that stupid comment about wishing he could come to Phoenix
with me. Not because I hadnt meant it - in all honesty, I wanted nothing more,
because at least then we wouldnt have to be apart.
I completely understood why Edward couldnt join me, but I knew it made him
feel like he was letting me down. Of course, nothing could be farther from the

truth, but again, he wouldnt see it that way. I had come to realize how his mind
worked most of the time, and knew this had to feel like another failure to him.
The door bell rang, snapping me out of my thoughts, and I ran down the stairs to
let Edward in. He was right on time - not that I was surprised - and his face lit up
when he saw me. As he offered me a crooked smile, I all but melted into a big pile
of goo, but somehow managed to contain myself and return his smile.
We just looked at each other for what felt like an eternity, but in reality couldnt
have been more than half a minute. I knew that because thats how long it usually
took for Charlie to put the morning paper down, scramble off his chair, and hurry
across the kitchen. This morning was no exception.
I barely had the time to steal a quick kiss - while Edward seemed to feel a bit more
at ease around my father each time they met, he was still too intimidated to initiate
any kind of physical contact - before I heard the familiar sound of a throat being
cleared loudly behind us. As I rolled my eyes, I was pleased to notice that Edward
remained seemingly calm next to me.
The first time Charlie had made his presence known like this, my poor baby had
nearly jumped out of his skin.
Good morning, Edward. Charlie gave me a somewhat suspicious look before
turning back to my boyfriend. A real shame about the game last night, dont you
think?
Um... Edward threw a slightly panicked look in my direction, most likely having
no clue what my dad was talking about. But he must have remembered me telling
him once that the best way to deal with Charlie was to just go with the flow and
humor him, because he quickly recovered and nodded. Right. Im sure theyll do
better the next time, though.
I pressed my lips together to stifle a giggle, praying Charlie wouldnt see through
Edwards act and ask him which teams had been playing.
To my relief - as well as Edwards, Im sure - he immediately perked up and
nodded in approval. Absolutely. This was just a minor set-back. A pause. You
two have a good day at school. And he was gone. I let out the breath I was
holding, imagining how Edward did the same. Thankfully, the day had yet to come
when my dad actually caught us in the act.
We arrived at school less than twenty minutes later, having barely made it out of
the car before we ran into Alice and Jasper. It hit me that Edwards behavior

towards his siblings had changed drastically of late. While I wouldnt go so far as
to say he made an effort to start a conversation, he was no longer as hostile, and he
even responded to Jaspers quiet greeting.
Needless to say, Alice was beaming. It was painfully obvious how desperately she
wanted everyone to get along, and I could only hope there wouldnt be any more
major set-backs for a while.
Now she gave me a hopeful look. Hey Bella, do you wanna get together after
school? I need to study, but it would be nice not having to do it alone. Maybe we
could go to your place first and hang there for a while, and then you could come
back to my house and have dinner with us. You know Mom and Dad are always
happy to have you over.
Yeah, sure, I agreed after only a moments hesitation, which I hoped she hadnt
noticed. As much as a part of me wanted to spend every single moment of my free
time with Edward, I realized that probably wouldnt be considered healthy. Not to
mention that I felt bad for making Alice feel like she would always end up on
second place whenever Edward was around.
Sure, she had Jasper, but girlfriends were important too. That was something I had
only recently started to learn, seeing how I had never been a typical girl in the first
place. Even back in Phoenix, when I had dated Jacob, I never really had any close
friends to gossip and share my thoughts and secrets with.
Not that there had been that many secrets to share, but still. It occurred to me now
that I had been missing out on things, and I hadnt even realized it at the time.
I could tell by Edwards frown that he wasnt totally pleased by the fact that I was
going to spend the afternoon with Alice and not him, but I knew he would never
say anything. In a way, I found it endearing how he so clearly wanted to be with
me all the time, because I felt exactly the same way. But I also realized that we
needed to get used to the idea of not being joined at the hip.
Although I had to admit it was hard, especially since the last couple of days had
been one long emotional roller-coaster for both of us. I gave Edward a sad smile
and reached for his hand.
Clearly picking up on the sudden tension, Jasper spoke up, Well, wed better go,
or were gonna be late. I need to stop by my locker to pick up a book for my first
class. Alice? He glanced at her. Are you coming?
She nodded immediately. Of course. Then she cast a hesitant look at me and

Edward. Do you guys wanna meet up out here for lunch? Its not supposed to rain
until later tonight.
How do you know that? Edward raised a brow in mock curiosity. Oh, dont tell
me. You can see into the future?
I snorted, but Alices expression changed and she suddenly looked uncertain. Um,
no, I just read the weather report this morning.
Edward rolled his eyes. No kidding? That was a fucking joke, Alice. I didnt
actually expect you to develop some kind of psychic ability over night.
Jasper tried to hide a chuckle, and I didnt know whether to laugh or cry at the fact
that Alice obviously didnt even consider that Edward might actually be joking. As
realization now hit her, her eyes widened slightly and she appeared to be
somewhat embarrassed. Oh. I knew that.
Sure you did, darling, Jasper assured her with an amused look on his face,
patting her arm in a comforting manner and winking at us. He then flung his arm
around Alices shoulders, leading her away from us and towards the school
building. I smiled at Edward, who just shook his head in mild exasperation and
took my hand. Then we followed, at a much slower pace.
Edward walked me to my first class and then left, after promising to meet me at
my locker so we could have lunch together as usual, along with Alice and Jasper. I
knew he wouldve preferred it if it was just the two of us, but I had to give him
credit for not making any objections. He really seemed to be trying hard these
days, which only made my love for him grow even stronger.
I was so proud of him for attempting to socialize at school, even if it was just
having lunch with his sister and her boyfriend. To most people, that would be no
big deal, but to Edward, it was huge.
Of course, a part of me couldnt help but wonder what would happen when
Edward went back to therapy in a couple of days. I didnt doubt for a second that it
was the right thing to do, but nevertheless, I worried. If it was up to me, Id follow
him to each session and not leave his side for a moment, but I realized it would be
very painful for both of us.
And more importantly, would Edward even want me to be there? He had been kind
of vague about it so far, and I honestly didnt know what to think. Maybe this was
another thing he needed to do by himself, and maybe I had over-stepped my
bounds by asking if I could join him in the first place.

But I just wanted to be there for him, because I knew he would need me. And to be
perfectly honest, I wanted to talk to someone professional as well. I had so many
questions, and it didnt seem right to go to Carlisle every time there was something
I couldnt figure out by myself, even though he had assured me that I could always
come to him. It still made me feel like I was going behind Edwards back.
Miss Swan! a loud voice suddenly barked, causing me to jump, and my cheeks
turned bright red when I realized everyones eyes were on me. Having been
completely lost in my thoughts about Edward, I hadnt heard the teacher calling on
me. I realized with a sinking feeling that I had no idea what she had just asked me.
Im sorry, I didnt understand the question, I mumbled, beyond embarrassed.
The teacher - a tall, robust woman in her early forties - let out an exaggerated sigh.
Maybe if you tried paying attention in class instead of daydreaming, Miss Swan,
you wouldnt be wasting all of our time like this. Her cold eyes bored into mine
for a moment, before she shook her head in annoyance and strode across the room
to call on someone else.
I heard a giggle somewhere to my left, and when I turned my head, I found myself
looking into Lauren Mallorys triumphant eyes. When I glared at her, she just gave
me a mocking smile. I pictured myself flinging my newly sharpened pencil at her
face, and then the satisfying sound of Laurens piercing scream as it hit her in the
eye. It wasnt until I noticed her frown that I realized I was grinning like an idiot.
When the bell finally rang - after what seemed like a year - I all but rushed out of
the classroom. I wanted nothing more than to see Edward right away, but I still had
to endure both English class and Chemistry before lunch. Normally I wouldnt
complain, but today, I just couldnt seem to focus on anything.
Hey, Bella, wait up!
I immediately recognized Jessicas voice, and plastered a smile on my face as I
turned around to face her. Hi, Jess. Sorry, I didnt see you. It wasnt a lie. If I
had seen her, I wouldve run in the other direction before she could catch me. She
wasnt as bad as Lauren, but seeing how the two of them were friends, I figured I
might as well try to avoid her as well.
After all, it wasnt like we had anything in common. Sure, Jess had been pretty
nice to me when I first moved here, but I had soon come to realize that she was
more interested in the attention she got by hanging with the new girl than getting
to know me as a person. However, I didnt want to be rude and tell her to just

leave me alone.
I feel like we barely talk anymore, she told me now, as if we used to be best
friends or something. Anything interesting happen lately?
Um... A small voice inside my head warned that she was probably just looking
for gossip, but I didnt want to assume the worst of people, so I gave her a small
smile and shrugged. No, not really. Seeing the disappointed look on her face, I
felt a little guilty and hurried to ask, What about you, Jess? What have you been
up to?
Jessicas face lit up and she let out a squeal. Oh my God, I thought youd never
ask! Im going to the prom with Mike, can you believe it?!
Somehow, I managed not to gag at the mention of Mikes name. He had been
avoiding us since that day Edward broke his nose, but I would pass him in the
hallway every now and then, and we also shared a few classes. Although he
always made sure not to look directly at me - or Edward, for that matter - and I
was convinced Emmett had something to do with that.
Couldnt you have found someone better? The words were out of my mouth
before I even realized I had spoken, and I clapped my hand over my mouth in
horror, but it was too late. Jess face fell, and I felt horrible, because I honestly
hadnt meant to hurt her feelings. It was just that - as far as I was concerned - Mike
Newton was a first class jerk, and anyone deserved better than him.
Unfortunately, judging by Jessicas angry expression, she disagreed. Youre just
jealous, she accused, giving me a hard look. You know, Mike told me all about
how you tried to come on to him, and when he turned you down, you moved on to
Edward Cullen. She practically spat the name out, and I instantly saw red.
Thats just ridiculous. I glared at her, then silently counted to five. Look,
Jessica, I didnt mean to be rude. That was a stupid thing to say, and Im sorry. Im
sure you and Mike will have a great time at the prom. I hoped my words would
placate her, because I really didnt want to fight with her.
I just wanted to go to my next class. But it seemed like Jess wasnt about to
forgive me that easily. What about you, Bella? she demanded in a sarcastic
voice. Are you and Edward going to the prom? Or hasnt he bothered to ask
you?
As much as I wanted to flip her off and tell her that it was none of her business, I
firmly told myself not to take the bait and snap at her. So I met her eyes as calmly

as I could. Actually, Im not much for dancing. Well most likely skip it.
Whatever. She rolled her eyes, obviously still upset. I held back a sigh when she
spun around and stomped off with a huff.
The rest of my morning classes thankfully went by without any further incidents
or disasters, but I was still not in the best of moods when I hurried through the
crowded corridors, heading for Edwards locker. I told myself that it was just four
and a half days left before spring break, but that also reminded me of the fact that I
would have to go to Phoenix.
At least now I would get to spend the next two hours with Edward, seeing how we
had Biology together right after lunch break. And I felt a sudden urge to find Alice
and complain about Jess and Lauren. After our little encounter, I wouldnt be
surprised if Jessica was already running around school, spreading nasty rumors
about me.
I stepped around a corner, my eyes searching eagerly for any sign of Edward, and
finally I spotted him. He was standing by the line of lockers, at the far side of the
hallway, and I was surprised to see that he wasnt alone. It looked like he was
talking to someone. As I got closer, I realized who it was, and I froze dead in my
tracks.
What the hell?!

Chapter 63
EPOV
I had just dropped my books off at my locker and was currently waiting for Bella
to show up, when I heard a quiet voice behind me, carefully calling out my name.
Hey, Edward?
I froze for a brief moment and then turned around, my eyes narrowing
suspiciously when I recognized the blonde girl standing in front of me.
Rosalie? I stared at her in disbelief, crossing my arms protectively over my chest
and raised a brow in question. Would it be terribly rude if I asked her straight out
what the fuck she wanted? Yeah, it probably would. Did I care? Not in the
slightest. Still, something held me back. So I just looked at her, waiting for her to

tell me the reason for her approach.

Again, I really couldnt care less.
Hi. She cleared her throat, and if I didnt know better, Id say she was nervous.
But that didnt seem to add up with the Rosalie I knew and loathed. Um, have
you seen Emmett?
Since when did Rosalie come to me and ask about Emmett? Hell, since when did
she even speak to me about anything? Of course, I didnt count insults and
accusations. I felt like my head was spinning, and instinctively opened my mouth
to simply tell her to fuck off. But for some reason, the words wouldnt come.
Why? I blinked in surprise at my question - it wasnt like I actually gave a
damn.
I wasnt completely blind - I realized Rosalie had to be one of the most stunning
people at the entire school, but that didnt change the fact that she was a total
bitch, and I had never really understood what Emmett saw in her. Or Alice, for that
matter. It suddenly occurred to me that Emmett didnt appear to be the only one to
sever the ties with Rosalie.
Whether I liked it or not, I couldnt deny that I was the main reason why Emmett
had decided to end their relationship, seeing how he had admitted so himself. But
what about Alice? Could the same thing go for her? I found it much more likely
that she had acted out of loyalty towards Emmett, but I honestly didnt know what
to think.
Rosalie lowered her eyes, almost timidly, and I was more than a little perplexed by
her strange behavior. She mumbled something I couldnt make out, and I leaned
forward without even thinking. What did you say? I asked in confusion.
She reluctantly raised her eyes, and let out a sigh. I said, Im worried about him.
Hes not sick or anything, is he?
A part of me still had a hard time taking in the fact that Rosalie was standing here
talking to me without accusation in her eyes and her voice dripping with venom.
Of course, our dislike toward one another was very much mutual, and had been
since the day - it seemed like a lifetime ago now - when she approached me after
school, more than a year ago and months before she started dating Emmett.
I slammed my locker shut and turned around, only to nearly walk right into a tall,
blonde girl who couldnt be standing more than a foot away, and I instinctively

jumped back, startled. What the fuck?! I demanded angrily as soon as I had
recovered, furious that someone would dare invading my personal space.
However, she didnt appear to be taken aback by my hostility, because her smile
widened and she tossed her long hair over her shoulder, batting her long
eyelashes at me. Sadie Hawkins is coming up in a couple of weeks, she
informed me bluntly, looking at me expectantly, like her words would mean
anything to me.
I knew who she was, of course, everybody did. Just because I refused to interact
with other people didnt mean I was living under a rock. I had heard the rumors
going around. Rosalie Hale was the new girl at Forks High, having recently
moved here, and since the moment she first entered the school building, people
had practically been worshiping the ground she walked on.
Aside from me, who couldnt care less, as long as she - and everybody else, for
that matter - just stayed the fuck away from me.
I want you to be my date, she now went on, looking as if she expected me to
drop at her feet and thank her. Was she fucking serious?
I didnt even dignify her statement with an answer. Get out of my way, I
muttered, turning around to leave, but she had other ideas. Panic welled up inside
me as she grabbed my arm to stop me, and my heart started beating wildly in my
chest. She was touching me, and I knew it was only a matter of seconds before I
would have a fucking meltdown, right there in the hallway.
Dont fucking touch me, you bitch! I hissed and snatched my arm away, glaring
at her in a desperate attempt of hiding the revulsion threatening to consume me.
Rosalies face paled, and she appeared to be momentarily stunned by my reaction.
Then her eyes narrowed in fury. How dare you speak to me this way?! Dont you
know who I am? You should be honored Im offering to go with you! Im telling
you, theres not a single guy in this school who wouldnt kill for an opportunity to
go to this dance with me.
I might have laughed at her pathetic outburst, had I not been shaking and
struggling against the sudden urge to run. Either that, or I feared I would throw
up. But Rosalie seemed to be completely oblivious to my discomfort, as she kept
on ranting. I had stopped listening, though, my eyes darting around for the nearest
escape route.
People had started gathering around us. When she finally seemed to realize we

had attracted an audience, her cheeks turned bright red. She spun around and
strode off without another word.
And I couldnt flee the scene fast enough.
As much as it pained me to admit it, the Rosalie standing in front of me now was a
completely different person. She seemed self-conscious, nervous, but most of all
worried. When I didnt respond, she took a deep breath. Edward, please. I hate to
bother you with this, but I dont know what else to do.
I frowned at her words and took a moment to really take in her appearance,
realizing she looked horrible, like she hadnt slept in days. She had to be really
fucking desperate to walk up to me like this. That was when it hit me that I was
probably right on, although I didnt understand why.
She and Emmett were no longer together. He had broken up with her. So why was
she suddenly so concerned about him? Did something happen that I didnt know
about?
I shook my head to clear it. He seemed fine this morning, I mumbled, a part of
me wondering why I was wasting my time talking to Rosalie. So what if she
worried about Emmett, for reasons beyond me. Why should I care?
So, hes here at school? The relief in her voice was obvious. When she went on,
I couldnt help but notice that her voice was trembling. He wont return my
phone calls. But I just wanted to make sure he was all right. Ever since he called
me in the middle of the night last Friday, Ive been really... She stopped herself
abruptly, having clearly not intended to let that particular information slip out.
I stared at her, pretty sure Emmett hadnt mentioned anything about calling
Rosalie this weekend. Then again, why would he tell me? And even if he had, I
probably wouldnt have paid much attention. Wait a minute. Last Friday? That
would be right after my humiliating little episode in the kitchen, that caused me to
end up in the hospital. I shivered.
Hey, what happened to your hand?
I froze for a second, wondering if she could read my mind. Self-consciously
hiding my bandaged hand behind my back, I ignored her question. Emmett called
you last Friday?
At the mention of Emmett, Rosalie seemed to forget all about my unintentional,
yet self-inflicted injury - much to my relief - and nodded. Yeah. It was late, way

past midnight. I was asleep, so I didnt notice I had a missed call until the next
morning. He, um, sort of left me a message... Her voice trailed off.
I gave her a look of confusion. Sort of?
She nodded again, not meeting my eyes. He was upset. I could barely hear what
he was saying. A beat. It sounded like he was crying.
What?
I blinked, certain I hadnt heard her correctly. Excuse me?
Rosalie raised her head and looked right at me, and the pain in her eyes took me
by surprise. Look, I know you cant stand me. I know I can be a real bitch
sometimes, and I know Ive said and done things that have been out of line and
uncalled for. For what its worth, Im sorry. I-I dont handle rejection very well.
Did Rosalie just fucking apologize? To me? I just looked at her, skeptically. She
must have seen my bewilderment, because she rolled her eyes. I dont think I
need to tell you how hard this is for me. I realize this probably doesnt mean a
thing to you, but I really do love Emmett. A pause. More than anything.
I snapped out of the stupor. Something about her words bothered me, although I
wasnt completely sure why. It took a moment before I realized it was the fact that
she just assumed that I wouldnt care. Not that I could really blame her, because
normally I wouldnt. But still...
While I wanted to tell her to just get over it, that Emmett didnt care about her
anymore, I knew that wasnt true. Because I had seen him walking around the
house like a zombie - when he thought no one would notice - and I remembered
him accidentally mentioning Rosalies name every now and again, and the wistful,
almost longing expression on his face before he would cover up and change the
subject.
No, Emmett still loved her, no question about that.
She must have taken my silence for confirmation that her assumption was correct,
because she sighed in defeat and turned around to leave. I closed my eyes for a
second, wishing for a brief moment that I could just go back to not giving a fuck
about anything. Wait. Rosalie stopped and looked at me over her shoulder, hope
suddenly evident on her face.
I sighed. Emmetts fine. Hes around here somewhere. I hesitated a little before I

went on, If I see him, Ill let him know youre looking for him.
She watched me in silence for a moment, obviously not fully convinced that I was
serious. Then she nodded in acceptance. That would be great. She paused before
adding, Thank you. I just nodded awkwardly in acknowledgment, not knowing
how to respond. When she turned to leave again, I think we both knew I wasnt
going to stop her this time.
Hey! I looked up and saw Bella hurrying towards me, her eyes locked on
Rosalies retreating form. What was that about? Her voice was filled with
concern, and something else, possibly anger, but I wasnt sure. Are you okay?
What did she say to you? Did she-
Bella, I cut her off, and her eyes immediately shot to mine. Everythings fine,
I assured her. She was just asking about Emmett. She nodded in understanding,
although the worry didnt quite leave her eyes. I gently cupped her cheek, and her
face instantly softened. Hey, I mumbled, tracing her cheekbone with my thumb.
Ive missed you.
I missed you, too, she breathed, her arms slipping around my waist as she
melted into my embrace, and I knew in that moment that Rosalie was forgotten. I
figured people had to be passing us in the corridor, because the place had been
fucking crowded a moment ago, but I could honestly say I wouldnt notice.
Nothing else existed but the girl in my arms. My Bella. I let out a contented sigh
and tightened my hold on her. We just stood like that for a couple of minutes
before she finally pulled back a little. Wed better go, before Alice comes looking
for us, she said regretfully.
I suppressed a groan, knowing she was right. Remind me again why the hell you
agreed to us having lunch with them, I grumbled.
Bella let out a snort of amusement. Hey, dont blame me. You said you didnt
mind.
Did I? I raised a brow and shook my head. Highly fucking doubtful. She just
rolled her eyes as we started walking. Suddenly I stopped, as something had just
occurred to me. Hold on just a sec. Bella gave me a questioning look, but didnt
object. I pulled my cellphone out of my pocket, wrote a short text message, and
pressed send while Bella waited patiently next to me.
I could see the curiosity burning in her eyes, and I knew she was dying to ask what
I was doing, but she remained silent, only offering me a soft smile as I slipped my

phone back down in my pocket and reached for her hand. All done, I told her
quietly. She just nodded, and we started walking again, heading for the nearest
way out of the school building.
A few minutes later, Bella and I were sitting side by side at our picnic table,
waiting for Alice and Jasper to show up. It didnt take long before they appeared,
hand in hand, quietly taking seats across the table. We started eating mostly in
silence, and while I preferred to share the lunch break with Bella alone, I couldnt
honestly say the company was making me uncomfortable.
Eventually we fell into a somewhat comfortable conversation - or at least the rest
of them were talking, and I was trying to look like I was paying attention. It was
all still so new to me, not doing whatever I could to distance myself and push
everyone else - aside from Bella, of course - away. Sometimes, I would slip right
into old patterns without even realizing I was doing it.
Then I had to remind myself why I needed to make an effort. The main reason was
sitting next to me. She had brown eyes, and the most beautiful smile I had ever
seen. And she was looking at me like I was the most precious thing in the world. It
sounded corny as hell, but with Bella by my side, I felt like I could do just about
anything, including going back to therapy in a couple of days.
Maybe. Fuck! I felt my mood drop and my anxiety grow. Bella wordlessly
squeezed my hand, as if she had sensed my sudden distress, and in all honesty, I
wouldnt put it past her. She always seemed able to see right through whatever
charade I was putting up and read my emotions like a book. Sometimes it came in
handy, and sometimes it was just fucking scary.
Hey, guys. Hope Im not interrupting.
We all looked up at the sound of Emmetts voice, and at first I was grateful for the
distraction. That was until I remembered my encounter with Rosalie, and I got a
sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach. I really wasnt in a mood for having this
particular discussion right now. But when my eyes met Emmetts, I realized I
didnt have much choice.
Can I talk to you for a moment? he asked me in a strained voice, after waving
off Alices invitation to join us at the picnic table.
I forced back a sigh, because I knew what he wanted to talk about. Cant it wait
until we get home? I heard the irritation in my voice, and figured he had picked
up on my reluctance, because his shoulders slumped and he ran a hand through his
hair in frustration.

Is something wrong? Bella asked softly, her voice low enough so no one else
would hear. I shook my head, but I could tell she wasnt totally convinced.
I noticed how Alice and Jasper watched us in mixed curiosity and confusion, but
wisely remained silent. Deciding not to make a scene, I let out another sigh, this
time in defeat, and stood up to face Emmett. The relief on his face was obvious as
he gestured for me to follow him so we could have some privacy. I felt Bellas
eyes on me, and gave her a small smile I hoped would assure her that things were
okay.
Okay, care to explain? Emmett demanded as soon as we were out of earshot. He
held up his cellphone, revealing the text message I had sent him less than twenty
minutes ago. This makes absolutely no sense to me. Why the hell would you tell
me I should talk to Rosalie?
I closed my eyes and silently counted to five. Why do you have to question my
motives? You know you want to. Im not going to be the one standing between the
two of you. My words came out more defensive than I had intended, but I meant
it. I couldnt stand the idea of being the reason behind his broken relationship.
And - as strange as it seemed to me - I couldnt deny the fact that Rosalie clearly
made him happy. I didnt want Emmett to be miserable and alone for the rest of his
life. Of course, that was something I would most likely never admit out loud.
Now he opened his mouth, no doubt to object, so I cut him off, uttering the only
words I figured would convince him. She apologized for being a bitch. And... I
hesitated for a moment. She just told me she loves you.

Chapter 64
EPOV
Edward? Is that you, son?
Yeah. I closed the front door behind me just as Carlisle appeared in the doorway
to his office. Shrugging out of my jacket and dropping my school bag on the floor,
I gave him a questioning look.
Listen, I... He hesitated a little. Do you have a moment? I would like to speak

with you.
What did I do now? the voice inside my head instantly cried out in panic, but I
managed to push the irrational fear to the back of my mind. I just couldnt help it it was like I was reacting out of pure instinct, even after all these years, and deep
down, I wondered if I would ever be able to completely let my guard down.
I sucked in a deep breath, and nodded. All right. He looked pleased, yet
somewhat apprehensive, and I got the feeling he was bracing himself for
something. I started to feel nervous, but tried not to let it show as I walked over to
the couch and sat down, looking at him expectantly.
To tell the truth, I had been in a pretty good mood until I stepped through the door.
My talk with Emmett at lunch had turned out better than I had expected, and we
had actually parted on good terms. I had to admit that I was surprised by the lack
of awkwardness between us - after all, he knew the truth about my past, and for a
while, I had been fully convinced that I would never be able to face him again.
But - to my great astonishment - not once had he confronted me about it. After
telling me the other day that I had nothing to be ashamed of, he hadnt brought up
the subject again. And I had slowly started to come to terms with the fact that he
wasnt just waiting for an opportunity to throw my humiliating secret back in my
face.
In fact, for the first time in, well, ever, I felt like maybe Emmett was on my side
after all. And another one of the walls I had put up around me was starting to
crumble. While it was scary as hell, it was also quite a relief. Bellas words you
are not alone kept ringing in my head, and I was beginning to see that she was
right.
Maybe I could even find the courage to tell Alice.
However, right now I needed to focus on what Carlisle had to say. He didnt seem
upset, but my instinct told me to stay on guard, that it probably wasnt any good
news. Whenever he wanted to speak with me in private, it rarely was. Then again,
at least he hadnt asked me to step into his office this time.
He didnt waste any time. Edward, I spoke with Victoria today. We made an
appointment for her annual visit. Shell be coming here next Monday - that is one
week from today. A pause. How do you feel about that?
I rolled my eyes. Does it even matter? Its not like Ive got a fucking choice.

Carlisle pinched the bridge of his nose. Remember, this will be the-
The last time. Right. Whatever. I folded my arms across my chest, knowing I
was acting like a sullen child, but I didnt care. This was something I had been
forced to endure once a year - spending a couple of hours with this woman and
having to answer her questions while she was taking her fucking notes, acting as if
she gave a damn about my well-being.
Fucking bullshit.
I couldnt explain exactly what it was about Mrs. Masen - I flat out refused to
address her as Victoria - that rubbed me the wrong way, because in all honesty, she
had never actually been rude or unpleasant to me. I supposed it could be the fact
that she was representing the part of my life that I just wanted to forget, but I
couldnt help but think there had to be something more.
Carlisle had tried to explain the purpose of her visits to me many times over the
years - basically she was supposed to see how I was adjusting, and that Carlisle
and Esme were doing a good job as adoptive parents, but I always felt like her real
intention was to look for signs that I was messing up, and should be taken away. I
had done my best to keep those feelings to myself, though.
Now, Carlisle had assured me again and again that once I turned eighteen, and
would legally be considered an adult, I would no longer have to do this shit. Just
one more time. So why couldnt I just say to hell with it and relax? Why did I feel
like something really bad was about to happen?
Something just hit me, which made me feel even more ill at ease. Next Monday?
But Bellas going to Phoenix next weekend. She might not be back by then.
Bella? Carlisle frowned, clearly taken aback. Im sorry, I dont understand.
What does your appointment with Victoria have to do with Bella?
Well, nothing. I fought against the frustration threatening to well up inside me.
I know Ill have to talk to Mrs. Masen alone, but I just wanted Bella to be here. I
cant do this without her.
Edward... He hesitated, and I could tell he was choosing his words very
carefully. You do realize you have done this every year, long before Bella was in
the picture. Now, I know it hasnt been easy for you, but you have always
managed. And more importantly, you need to remember there are other people in
your life, beside Bella, who care about you deeply and want to help you.

I lowered my eyes, suddenly feeling ashamed. I didnt mean-

Listen to me, he cut me off, softly. Bella is an amazing girl. I know how
important she is to you, and theres no doubt in my mind that she feels exactly the
same way about you. I understand that she makes you feel safe, and I can tell shes
more than willing to let you lean on her whenever you need it. But I have to say
Im a bit worried that you are becoming too dependent on her.
I stared at him in disbelief. What the fuck are you talking about? I demanded.
He sighed. Please, dont get me wrong. Its wonderful that you are letting other
people into your life, and I realize Bella has played a huge part in all the progress
youve made lately. Its obvious the two of you are good for each other. But you
need to learn to trust yourself. Bella cant always be here. And dont forget that even when Bellas not around - you are never alone. You will still have your
family.
Maybe he was right. Maybe I was physically capable of doing this without Bella.
But I didnt fucking want to. I clenched my fists, struggling not to lose my temper.
Whatever you say. Can I go now?
Edward, would you please just hear me out? He held up a hand, as if to prevent
me from leaving. Believe me when I say Im not trying to come between you and
Bella. I would never keep you from seeing her. As far as Im concerned, shes a
part of the family, and she will always be welcome here.
I opened my mouth, but he wasnt finished. Im just trying to help you, Edward.
Maybe Im over-reacting. But the fact remains - there will be times when Bella is
unavailable. I just want you to know that you can depend on us as well. We will
always be here for you.
Deep down, I knew he meant it. I just want this fucking shit to be over, I
muttered.
I know you do, Carlisle told me in a sympathetic voice, and - after a brief
moments hesitation - placed his hand on my arm. It took a couple of seconds
before I realized that I hadnt even reacted, let alone flinched, and I figured I had
really gotten used to him and Esme touching me over the last couple of days.
You know what? he went on after a few minutes of silence. I say we let this go
for now, and cross that bridge when we get there. I gave him a doubtful look, but
nodded in agreement. He checked his watch. I dont know about you, but Im
starving. What do you say we go out and get something to eat?

Um... I hesitated, knowing I could probably say no, and he wouldnt be

offended. But then what would I do? Spend the next couple of hours alone in my
room, thinking about things I desperately wanted to avoid? Not if I could help it.
So I nodded again. Yeah, sure.
Really? Carlisle looked pleasantly surprised. Great! Im in a mood for a big,
greasy cheese burger. Lets go right away, before Esme finds out and tries to stop
us. He winked, although I had a feeling he was only half joking. Shaking my
head, I obediently got up and grabbed my jacket.
In that moment, the door opened and Emmett walked in, a huge grin on his face.
Whats up? he wanted to know when he saw us.
Youre in a good mood, Carlisle stated. I raised a brow, wondering if Emmett
and Rosalie had made up. That might explain why he was smiling so widely it
looked like his face was about to split in two. I wasnt going to ask, though, not
wanting to appear too interested.
Although I had to admit I was curious.
Just having a good day, I guess, Emmett responded with a shrug. I held back a
snort.
Thats nice. Carlisle smiled, although he looked a little confused. Well, Edward
and I were talking about heading over to The Lodge.
The words were out of my mouth before I realized I had spoken. You can come if
you want.
Emmett blinked in surprise, and I noticed even Carlisle looked stunned. But - to
my relief - both of them seemed to recover quickly, and Carlisle gave Emmett a
questioning look. What do you say, son? Are you hungry?
Im always hungry! was Emmetts immediate response, and I rolled my eyes.
Carlisle went to let Esme know we were leaving, and ten minutes later, we were
on our way.
OoO
BPOV

Rosalie? Really? Alice sounded perplexed, and I couldnt blame her.

I nodded. Edward said she was asking about Emmett.
Huh. She got a thoughtful look on her face. He didnt seem upset at lunch.
Worrying my bottom lip between my teeth, I then nodded my head in agreement.
No, he assured me everything was okay. But I dont know, Alice. It just doesnt
make sense. I mean, of all the nerves! And why would she talk to Edward of all
people?
Alice shrugged. I dont know. Maybe shes trying to make amends or something.
Rosalie? Make amends? I snorted, not finding it very likely.
She plonked herself down on my bed, her fingers playing absently with the
bedspread. Shes not really a bad person, Bella. I mean, dont get me wrong, Im
still pissed at her for the way she talked about Edward, and I dont plan on
forgiving her any time soon. Its just that Ive seen her around school, and she
looks so sad. Maybe shes really sorry for the way shes been acting.
Or maybe she just wants Emmett back and is willing to do anything to get her
way, I muttered. Normally I wouldnt automatically assume the worst of people,
but Rosalie was definitely not in my good graces.
Well, if thats true, I know Emmett will see right through her, Alice stated with
certainty. I never told you this, but I overheard him talking to Rose on the phone.
I didnt mean to, but I couldnt help but hear some of the things he said. She
paused. He was really angry, Bella. I actually felt kind of bad for her, but at the
same time, it was great to hear Emmett tell her off.
I understood all too well what she meant. Do you think you and Rose will ever
become friends again?
Alice was quiet for a moment, thinking. Then she glanced at me. I hope so. It all
depends on her, though.
Nodding in acceptance, I then changed the subject, So, howre things with you
and Jasper?
Her face instantly lit up at the mention of her boyfriend. Honestly? It couldnt be

better. Hes wonderful, Bella. Im going to marry him.

Thats great, Alice. I couldnt help but tease her a little. Does he know about
it?
Well, no, she admitted, but you wont hear him complain. She got a
mischievous look on her face as she added, If he knows whats good for him. I
laughed. What about you, Bella? Alice sobered up and eyed me carefully, her
voice suddenly serious. Do you want to get married?
My cheeks flushed. God, Alice, I dont know. Maybe some day, many, many
years from now, but I cant really think that far ahead. I mean, Im seventeen, for
crying out loud!
So am I. Alice shrugged. It doesnt stop me from thinking about it. Seriously,
havent you ever fantasized about what your wedding day would be like?
Um, no? I felt a little stupid.
She gave me an incredulous look. Come on, Bella! Dont tell me you never
dressed up in a white dress and pretended to get married when you were younger.
I just shrugged, helplessly, and she huffed in disapproval. I tried not to giggle at
her expression, but it was hard.
Sorry for being such a disappointment. I smiled. Really, Alice, Ive just never
seen the point in getting married.
Okay, then let me put it this way... Alice leaned forward on the bed, her eyes
locked on my face. If you ever decide to get married, do you think itll be with
my brother?
My eyes widened at her bluntness, although I supposed I shouldnt really be
surprised. Alice, what kind of question is that?! I mean, what do you expect me to
say? She just looked at me, and I rolled my eyes. Of course it would be with
Edward - like there would ever be anyone else. But Im not saying-
She cut me off with an ear-piercing squeal. I knew it! Im so gonna be your
bridesmaid!
I buried my face in my hands and let out a groan. When I looked up again, she had
the biggest grin on her face, bouncing up and down on the bed. I gave her a
warning look. I cant believe we are even having this conversation! You better not
mention any of this to Edward, or youll scare him away for good.

Oh, dont worry, Bella. She pretended to zip her lips closed. My lips are
sealed. Then she winked at me and started humming Mendelssohns wedding
march.
I slapped her arm, which only seemed to add to her amusement. Alice!
Im just kidding, she assured me, finally turning serious. Then - much to my
relief - she changed the subject.
We decided to spend the next couple of hours studying, since we both had
homework to do, and then head over to Alices house for dinner. When I ran
downstairs to fill Charlie in on my plans, he merely grunted in approval. To tell the
truth, I was grateful he didnt put up a fight, seeing how much time I had spent at
the Cullens' lately.
As much as I had enjoyed spending the afternoon with Alice, I was eager to get
back to her place and see Edward again. Alice just gave me a knowing look, and I
blushed. However, when we arrived at the Cullens', less than half an hour later, it
didnt take long before I found that Esme was the only one home.
I tried not to let my disappointment show. But when I heard that Edward was away
with Carlisle and Emmett, I felt pride welling up inside me, and I was so happy he
seemed to be making an effort to bond with his family. This sure was a huge step
for him, and I couldnt wait to tell Edward how proud I was of him.
So, I guess itll just be the three of us for dinner, Esme declared with a smile.
Bella, I hope you like ground beef casserole and rice.
Sure, that sounds great, I told her enthusiastically. Alice started setting the table
for three, and I went to help, waving off her and Esmes objections. It didnt take
long before dinner was ready. The casserole was delicious, and I found myself
shoving food into my mouth like I hadnt eaten for days.
We were eating and making small talk, and I had a really good time, even though I
missed Edward. It was actually nice being able to enjoy myself with other people
as well.
When we were almost finished eating, Esme put her fork down and looked at me.
So, Bella, I heard youre going away next weekend.
I nodded, trying to keep from grimacing. Unfortunately, yeah. Hopefully Ill be
back in a couple of days. My lack of enthusiasm must have been obvious,

because she gave me a sympathetic smile. I didnt really feel like discussing this,
so I quickly took another bite of my food, only to realize I had lost my appetite.
Instead I took a small sip of my water, and forced a smile in return.
After helping Esme to clear the table, Alice suggested wed go into the living
room and watch a movie, and I gratefully accepted. Although she clearly tried to
be subtle about it, it was painfully obvious she could tell I was waiting for Edward
to return. But to her credit, she never mentioned anything. She really was a good
friend, and I hoped she realized how much I appreciated her.
I firmly told myself to do my best not to neglect her again.

Chapter 65
EPOV
When we entered The Lodge, I was pleased to notice that the place was almost
empty. Only a few of the tables were occupied, and we headed for one of the
booths at the far side of the restaurant. It didnt take long before a young waitress
showed up to take our orders. I wasnt all that hungry, but decided on a small
burger and some fries.
While we were waiting for the food to arrive, Carlisle wanted to know about our
day, and Emmett enthusiastically launched into a gruesome story about some guy
named Lee Stephens, who apparently had passed out and nearly cracked his skull
open on the windowsill when they were blood typing in Bio.
The story made me think of Bella, and, knowing wed be doing the same thing
later this week, I decided it might be a good idea for her to skip that particular
class. I had learned the hard way that my girl and blood didnt usually mix.
What about you, Edward? Carlisle asked when Emmett finally fell silent. Did
anything interesting happen at school?
Depends on how you define interesting. I shrugged, rolling my eyes.
Unfortunately, I didnt get to witness any bloodshed, but I did watch Tyler
Crowley slip and land on his ass in a mud puddle. I grinned at the memory - it
had made my entire day.
Emmett snickered, insisting he wouldve paid good money to see it, and Carlisle

tried to keep a straight face as he looked at both of us in mild disapproval. I wish

you two wouldnt find such amusement in the misfortune of your classmates. I
just shrugged again, although Emmett waved his hand in dismissal, firmly
informing him that Lee was a wuss and Tyler a moron.
A moment later, the waitress returned with our food, and Emmett immediately
started shoving fries into his mouth. I took a bite of my burger - it was actually
really good - and I realized that maybe I was hungry after all. For a couple of
minutes, we ate in silence.
After finishing his cheeseburger and pushing his empty plate away, Carlisle spoke
up quietly, Im glad the three of us got this moment to ourselves. I realize the last
couple of days have been pretty tough for both of you, and Ive been meaning to
talk to you about it. He hesitated, glancing over his shoulder. But Im not sure
this is the right place.
I looked around the large room, noting that no new customers had arrived, in fact,
a few people had even finished their meals and left the restaurant since we had
started eating. But I figured he worried less about the possibility of someone
overhearing our conversation, and more of me making a scene. As much as I hated
the idea of people walking on egg shells around me, I knew I could hardly blame
him.
After all, it had happened before - many times over the years.
Emmett cast a brief look at me, all traces of humor suddenly gone from his face. I
remained silent for almost a minute, before I finally took a deep breath and asked
Carlisle in a low voice, What exactly do you want to talk about?
Well... He looked from me to Emmett, and then back at me again. Ive noticed
you two seem to be getting along much better these days. It makes me very glad.
A pause. However, a lot of things have happened recently, some of them
unpleasant for all of us, and Im sure you have found it both confusing and
upsetting. I want to do whatever I can to make it easier for both of you.
When his only response was silence, he continued, Edward, how do you feel
about this? Is there anything youd like to say to Emmett? Or... his voice trailed
off when I just shook my head. I didnt know what to say. The situation felt
surreal. A part of me wanted to know what Emmett was thinking, but at the same
time, I didnt know if I was actually ready to find out.
Well, I might have something to say. Emmett picked up a leftover fry, then
grimaced and dropped it back on his plate. Actually, I have plenty to say, but

honestly, I dont see the point. I mean, what good would it do? It sure as hell wont
change anything. He looked away, although not quickly enough for me to miss
the shame in his eyes.
Carlisle leaned back in his seat with a sigh. The reason I brought this up now is
because I want you to know that both Esme and I are here for you. We will get
through this as a family.
Emmett snorted. Yeah? Thats bullshit! Since when? Then he must have seen the
look on my face, because he shook his head and raised his hands apologetically.
Look, man, Im not blaming you or anything. I dont blame anyone. I just feel
really fucking stupid right now.
I stared at him like he had just grown a second head, and the words were out of my
mouth before I even had the chance to think. Why the fuck would you feel
stupid? This was certainly not the time and place for this conversation, I had to
agree with Carlisle on that. I wished Bella was here. She would be sitting right
next to me, holding my hand.
Why do you think? Because all this time, Ive... Emmett let out a frustrated sigh.
I didnt understand, okay? I wouldve... I dont know. Acted differently.
Yeah, well, I didnt want your fucking pity, I grumbled, pushing away my half
empty glass a little harder than necessary. He immediately lowered his eyes.
Carlisle spoke up, carefully, Edward, you do realize theres a difference between
pity and compassion? Let me assure you-
Whatever, I cut him off, feeling like my head was spinning. I didnt want to
dwell on this. Not now. Things had been good. And now, all of a sudden, I felt like
I was standing on the edge and staring down into a bottomless pit, about to fall in.
I closed my eyes.
Look, I know I cant take anything Ive said or done back, Emmett now said in
an uncharacteristically small voice, and my eyes snapped open. Just tell me what
to do. I wanna make things right.
He sounded so desperate, and it reminded me of what Rosalie had said about
Emmett calling her in the middle of the night, sounding like he was crying. I had
dismissed the idea at the time, but now I couldnt help but think that maybe there
was more to Emmett than just this cocky, insensitive asshole I had taken him for
all these years.

Sure, he may have acted like a jerk to me most of the time, but I was no better. So,
we hadnt gotten along, but I had never really given him a chance to understand
why I couldnt just suck it up and be more like him. Like a normal kid. Suddenly I
could see myself through Emmetts eyes, and I saw a moody, sullen boy who
threw tantrums and broke things, an intruder in his family.
So why should he treat me any differently?
Im sorry, I whispered, horrified when my voice cracked. Guess Ive made your
life a fucking hell.
What? Emmett gasped, an incredulous look on his face. No, I-
Boys, Carlisle interrupted softly, I believe we should continue this discussion
when we get home. It was wrong of me to bring the subject up in the first place,
and I apologize. Why dont we just-
No! Emmett protested loudly, then caught himself and lowered his voice. Dad,
what he just said, you cant expect me to just let it go. He turned back to me.
Look, Edward, thats not true. Its fucking bullshit. I said I didnt understand, and
thats my fault, not yours. If I had been less of an ass, maybe we wouldve been
closer, and then maybe you wouldve trusted me. Im sorry. His voice broke.
How ironic was it that when Emmett and I finally seemed ready to have a heart-toheart, we were at the fucking Lodge? I tried to ignore the way my eyes were
stinging. Right now, I wanted Bella more than ever, but I knew Carlisle was right
when he said she couldnt always be here.
Of course, that didnt mean I had to like it.
Its not just your fault, I told him sincerely, keeping my eyes on the table in front
of me. I realize its the understatement of the fucking year, but I have a bit of a
problem trusting people. Really, I doubt anything you couldve done wouldve
changed that. A part of me couldnt believe I was sitting here having this
conversation with Emmett, and I still couldnt bring myself to meet his eyes.
Carlisle spoke up. Son, Esme and I have always known you were never able to
fully trust us. We understand, and its not your fault. I want you to know that we
would never give up hope, though, and while there are things I now realize we
shouldve done differently, I promise we have always tried to do whatever we can
to help you.
I nodded, taking a deep breath and raising my head. I know.

OoO
BPOV
If there was one thing I had learned about Edward, it was that you could never
predict what mood he would be in when you saw him. It could change drastically
from one moment to the next, which had to be exhausting, not only for the people
around him, but for himself as well.
As I waited for him to return, I couldnt help but wonder how things had gone at
dinner. Hopefully it had been quiet, with no incidents, because as far as I was
concerned, they were all in a desperate need of a break. I tried to make small talk
with Alice, not wanting to spend all my time worrying.
When I finally heard the sound of a car in the driveway, I sat up straight on the
couch, glancing eagerly towards the door. Alice just rolled her eyes at me in a
goodhearted manner, and I gave her a sheepish smile.
Emmett was the first to step through the door, Carlisle and Edward in tow,
although he immediately disappeared up the stairs, claiming he had a phone call to
make. Edward shrugged out of his jacket, mumbling something to Carlisle, and
then his eyes landed on me. I hadnt been able to read his expression at first, but
now his face lit up and he instantly walked over to me.
Youre still here, he murmured, slumping down next to me on the couch. I
knew youd be here, but I was afraid Id missed you. He reached out to tuck a
strand of my hair behind my ear, and I smiled.
I told my dad I wouldnt be home too late, since its a school night and all, but I
didnt want to leave without seeing you, I explained, snuggling up against him.
He nodded in understanding.
Alice reached for the remote and turned the TV off, announcing she was going up
to her room. I felt bad and protested, insisting she didnt have to leave, but she just
gave me a smug look and left.
Carlisle had just removed his coat and turned to look at me. Hello, Bella. Its
good to see you. He looked at Edward, raising a brow questioningly. I frowned
when Edward gave him a quick nod in response, wondering what was going on.

It didnt take long for me to find out, as Carlisle turned back to me. Ill leave you
two alone, but Bella, if you dont mind stopping by my room before you go, I
would like to have a word with you. Is that okay with you? He must have seen
my confusion, because he hurried to add, Nothings wrong, I would just like to
hear your opinion on something. It wont take long.
I cast a brief look at Edward, who just watched me silently, not looking too
concerned, and I relaxed. Yeah, of course. Carlisle gave me a grateful smile, and
true to his words left us and slipped into his office. As soon as he was out of sight,
I turned to Edward. Do you know what this is about?
He shrugged, suddenly looking a little uncomfortable. I told him you wanted to
come to therapy with me. He said he wanted to talk to you about it.
Oh. I bit my lip. Did he say anything else? I mean, did he seem to think its a
good idea, or...?
I dont know. He looked down at his hands. Look, Bella, I told you Im going
to see this new shrink on Wednesday after school. Carlisle said it wont be a real
session the first time, itll mostly just be introductions and shit, and he and Esme
will be there as well. But... He glanced at me. Id feel better if youd come too.
But only if you want to. Youd probably have to wait outside, but-
I cut him off, grabbing his hand and squeezing it softly. Ill be there. Of course I
will. A part of me knew I should probably discuss this with Carlisle before
making any promises like that, but I silently prayed he would understand. If
Edward really wanted me to be there, then how could I refuse? Surely Carlisle
would want Edward to be as comfortable as possible.
Seeing the relief on Edwards face now made me realize how anxious he really
was about all of this. Sure, going back to therapy had been his idea, but it was
painfully obvious that he was also afraid. And I wanted to do whatever I could to
make it easier for him.
Its gonna be okay, I told him softly. You can do this, Edward. Ill be there for
you, and so will your family. You wont have to do this alone. Something just
occurred to me. Hey, speaking of your family, have you decided yet what to do
about Alice?
Edward was quiet for a moment, and I waited patiently. Finally he looked at me.
Ill talk to her.
Are you sure? I asked quietly, almost afraid to get my hopes up.

He nodded. I guess its about time. Im fucking tired of keeping all this a secret.
At first I felt like my life was over when Emmett found out, but... He hesitated. I
cant believe Im fucking saying this, but maybe its better this way.
I couldnt agree more, and I was so incredibly proud of him for coming to that
conclusion. While I realized how hard it would be for him, I was also convinced
that Alice would support him completely. And as soon as Edward saw that, I was
certain he would be able to move yet another step towards healing. He needed to
see that people wouldnt judge him.
We remained on the couch for a while, just snuggling and talking quietly. Edward
asked me about the afternoon with Alice, which made it natural for me to ask him
about the dinner with Carlisle and Emmett without making myself come out as too
curious or overprotective. To my relief, things seemed to have gone pretty
smoothly, although I noticed he seemed somewhat reluctant to go into further
details.
That was okay, though, I didnt mind. He didnt seem upset, and besides, he
shouldnt have to tell me everything. Some things were to be kept between
Edward and his family - I could respect that. Anyway, it wasnt like I couldnt tell
when something was really bothering him.
I should probably go see Carlisle, I finally said, regretfully. What I really wanted
was to just stay right there on the spot with Edward for as long as I possibly could,
but I knew my dad would expect me to be home soon. Edward didnt look too
pleased, but nodded in acceptance.
I started to get up, but he grabbed my arm to stop me, pulling me back down, and I
lost my balance and ended up practically in his lap. I gasped in surprise, and felt
how he froze for a brief moment, but he didnt let go of me. Instead he wrapped
his arms around me and hugged me close, burying his face in my hair. Once I had
recovered from the shock, I couldnt help but grin. Edward, what are you doing?
Wanted a hug, he told me matter-of-factly, nuzzling my neck, and I instantly
melted. He was so comfortable around me these days, so completely different
from back when we first met and he would flinch back and pull away whenever I
got too close. I had feared that the incident yesterday morning would cause some
kind of set-back, but thankfully, that didnt seem to be the case.
We had never really talked about what happened, and I felt like maybe we should,
but I had decided it would just have to wait. Edward hadnt brought it up, and I
figured he had enough to deal with right now as it was. No point in adding to his

distress - besides, he seemed relatively calm and relaxed at the moment, and who
knew how long that would last?
Yes, a part of me was waiting for the other shoe to drop.
You know, if you wanted a hug, you couldve just asked, I told him now, a
playful note in my voice.
He pulled back a little so he could look at me, and gave me a crooked smile that
would have made my knees buckle had I been standing up. I thought I didnt
have to anymore.
If I was melting before, I was now reduced to a pile of goo on the floor. I opened
my mouth to respond, but all that came out was a silly giggle, sounding absolutely
nothing like me. Edward raised a brow, his face a mixture of amusement and
confusion, and I felt my cheeks flush. Clearly, my brain was no longer working. I
shook my head to clear it.
You dont, I managed to get out. For a moment, we just looked at each other.
Then, as in slow motion, I watched how Edwards face came closer, until our lips
finally met.

Chapter 66
BPOV
Hesitating for a brief moment, I then knocked softly on the door to Carlisles
office. I could hear a muffled come in, and carefully pushed the door open.
Carlisle was sitting behind his desk, appearing to be reading a book, although he
put it down and smiled at me when I entered the room. Bella. Im glad youre
here. Please, sit down.
I obeyed, walking over to the couch. You wanted to see me?
Yes. He stood up and stepped around the desk, crossed the room and sat down in
one of the arm chairs. Obviously seeing the apprehensive look on my face, he
went on in a soft voice, I apologize, Bella, I can see youre worried, but I assure
you, it was never my intention to make you feel that way.
When I managed a weak smile, he continued, Ill get right to the point. I

understand Edward has talked to you about his wish to go back to therapy? I just
nodded, waiting to see where he was going with this. This is a huge step for him.
Im very proud of him, and Im sure you feel the same way.
I nodded again. I do.
I have to admit, Carlisle went on, that Im also concerned. He waited until he
was certain he had my full attention before he spoke up again, Edward is finally
ready to face his past, and I fear he has yet to realize just how painful it will be.
What youve seen so far, what hes shared with you - the flash backs, the
nightmares, the panic attacks - Im afraid thats nothing compared to whats about
to come.
My eyes widened, but I remained silent, waiting for him to go on. He sighed.
Hes been living in denial for so long, and now, for the first time, hes actually
allowing himself to feel. Dont get me wrong - after everything hes been through,
Id say thats nothing short of a miracle. But I want you to be prepared for the fact
that things might get worse before it gets better.
Worse? I swallowed hard. But Edwards been doing so well lately. It was his
idea to start therapy again. He wants to get better, he said so himself.
Carlisle gave me a sad smile. Yes, and I believe him. Which is also the reason for
my concern. Hes determined to do this, so he will have no choice but to push
himself over the limit. Edwards got all this suppressed anger, guilt, fear and pain
inside, that has been building up for years. And now, its all bound to come out. In
a way, itll be like opening Pandoras box.
I nodded slowly, a sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach. What can I do to
help?
He just looked at me for a moment, and I watched how his Adams apple bobbed
slightly. The question is, how far are you willing to go? Im not trying to scare
you, Bella, I just want you to understand that the next couple of weeks - maybe
even months - are going to be intense, to say the very least.
I realize that. My voice was barely more than a whisper. Ill be there for him
every step of the way, no matter what.
He nodded in understanding. I was hoping youd say that. A pause. Bella, Im
going to come right out and say this. Ive been a fool.
When I just blinked in surprise, he went on explaining, Ive witnessed with my

own eyes what a huge progress Edward has made since he met you. You were able
to get through to him when no one else could, including myself. And I believe,
somewhere along the way, I started to feel resentment.
I just stared at him, not sure how to respond. Clearly sensing my uneasiness, he
hurried to clarify, Not towards you, Bella. Towards myself. I started to see that,
somehow, you were able to succeed where I - where all of us, for that matter - had
failed. Seeing the two of you interact with each other, the way he was responding
to you... He shook his head. It was a wake-up call, in the most brutal of ways.
I opened my mouth - although I had no idea what I was going to say - but he
wasnt finished. I told Edward I worried about him becoming too dependent on
you. You are both very young, which I admit was one of the main reasons for my
concern. Very few people find their soul mate in high school, and the thought of
him getting his heart broken... He swallowed. It would just be too much.
Tears started welling up in my eyes at his words. You think I would actually
break Edwards heart? That I would leave him?
Carlisle let out a shuddering breath. Its nothing against you, Bella. I cant stand
the idea of any of my children getting their heart broken, but it would be so much
worse for Edward. A beat. However, I realize Im not being fair to you. You
have been nothing but wonderful to Edward, helped him so much. And I need to
stop with the what ifs, and start looking at the main picture. Because he needs
you.
I need him, too, I whispered, brushing away a tear.
I can see that. He hesitated. Bella, Edward told me you wanted to join him at
his therapy sessions. Do you realize-
I dont mean all the time. Realizing I had cut him off in the middle of the
sentence, I blushed. Im sorry. Can I just explain?
He nodded, giving me an encouraging smile. Of course.
Well... I took a deep breath. You said these sessions are going to be really hard
for Edward. I understand that, and I want to be there for him. But at the same time,
it would feel good for me to talk to someone professional about all of this as well.
I can never fully understand the concept of what hes been through, but I think
having someone else to talk to might help.
Yes, I believe you have made a very valid point. Carlisle got a thoughtful look

on his face. If youd like, I will speak with Dr. Weber, and see if I can make you
an appointment.
I bit my lip, then nodded. Okay. Then I hesitated a little before I went on, Um,
Edward asked me to come with him on Wednesday.
He watched me closely for a moment. Yes, he mentioned this to me as well. How
do you feel about that?
I told him Id do it, I answered sincerely, looking down at my hands. Im sorry
if you dont approve, but he really wants me to be there, and I just couldnt-
Bella, Carlisle interrupted me softly, I wont keep you from coming, if thats
what you both want. There will be a waiting room outside, where you can stay
while Edward, Esme and I will see Dr. Weber. He paused. I hope you understand
that Im not trying to leave you out, its just that this first meeting will be for
family members only.
Sure, I understand. I felt relief welling up inside me - he wouldnt force me to
stay at home and break my promise to Edward. Truth be told, I hadnt actually
expected to take part in his first session, even Edward had hinted as much. I saw
no problem in waiting outside, as long as I got to be there for him when he came
back out.
For a minute or so, we sat there in silence. When I finally spoke up again, I
noticed that my voice was trembling. This is still good, right? I mean, Edward is
doing the right thing here. I know its going to be difficult, but... I shrugged,
helplessly.
Carlisle nodded in agreement. Yes, its the right thing, and yes, its going to be
very difficult.
I glanced at him. Well, at least he wont have to go through this alone.
To my surprise, a humorless chuckle escaped him. I gave him a questioning look.
He was quiet for a few seconds, and then looked me right in the eyes. You are
wise beyond your years, Bella, and you never cease to amaze me. Seeing my
confusion, he went on explaining, I was reluctant at first when Edward told me he
wanted you to accompany him - I felt that this was something he needed to do by
himself.
But why? The words were out before I even realized it, and I felt my cheeks turn
red. It was an honest question, but I feared that I might have offended him.

My point exactly, was his response, and I knew then that I didnt have to worry
about him taking offense to my bluntness. I can see now thats the exact opposite
of what Edward needs. I only wish I had realized it sooner. Maybe then... He
closed his eyes for a moment, shaking his head. Im sorry, Bella, I shouldnt
burden you with this. Just believe me when I say Ive gotten a lot to think about.
I wasnt quite sure I understood what he meant, but decided to let it go. It was
getting late, not to mention that it would probably be a good idea to go home right
away and give my dad a heads up about me going to Port Angeles with Edward in
a few days.
The question was, just how much should I tell him?
OoO
EPOV
When I told Bella I was going to talk to Alice, my intention had never been to do
so right away. Possibly soon, maybe even within the next couple of days or so, but
as I made my way up the stairs, I had not planned to stop outside her bedroom, let
alone raise my fist to actually knock on the door.
And yet, that was exactly what I found myself doing.
I had to admit, a part of me was hoping to hear Alice call out that she was busy
and to come back later - which I probably wouldnt do - but I knew that wasnt
likely to happen. And I was right.
Its open! I instantly heard from the other side of the closed door. I sighed and
took a deep breath, somewhat reluctantly pushing the door open and peeking
inside.
Alice was half lying on the bed with her nose buried in some magazine, but now
she looked up, her eyes widening slightly when she saw it was me. Edward? She
sounded surprised, although she offered me a hesitant smile. Hey. Whats up?
Nothing. I cleared my throat, mentally rolling my eyes at myself. I mean, I, uh,
kinda wanted to talk to you about something, but if youre busy... I left the rest of
the sentence hanging, wishing she would say yes, but knowing she wouldnt.

No, of course not. Come on in. She tossed the magazine to the side and sat up. I
obeyed, slowly stepping into the room. As much as I wanted to just turn around,
my feet relentlessly carried me forward. Alice must have sensed my distress,
because her expression switched from puzzled to alarmed. Is something wrong?
Yes. No. Fuck! I ran my hand through my hair in frustration. Look, Alice, when
I said I wanted to talk to you, I meant I need to tell you something. And... My
heart was already beating faster than normal, and I hadnt even started yet. I closed
my eyes for a moment, willing myself to relax. Could you please just do me a
favor?
She nodded immediately, looking at me with large eyes. Sure. What is it?
Just... I couldnt bring myself to look at her, so I lowered my eyes to the floor as
I continued, ...dont say anything until Im finished. I dont know how to do this,
and... I shrugged helplessly, not knowing how to explain. In all honesty, I wasnt
sure I could actually do this without having a fucking panic attack, which without
doubt would cause Alice to freak out.
This was a mistake. What the fuck had I been thinking, coming here without first
going through what I was going to say in my head, to mentally prepare myself?
Alice started to look confused, but nodded in acceptance. I can do that. But...
She hesitated a little. Can I just ask what this is all about? I opened my mouth,
but she cut me off, Sorry, um, dont you wanna sit down?
I shook my head, remaining where I was. For obvious reasons, I felt more
comfortable standing, preferably next to the door so I would have a clear escape
route, should I need one. Its about me, I mumbled then, in response to her first
question. I wanted to explain some things to you. About... my past.
Her mouth fell open, but no words came out. Instead she just stared at me, as if
trying to figure out whether or not I was serious. Then she swallowed, visibly, and
finally whispered, Are you sure?
No, Im not sure. I dont know what the fuck Im doing. Why cant Bella be here
right now? Oh, right, because I told her I needed to do this by myself. Fuck!
I ignored her question. If you dont want to hear it, just... The look she gave me
made me stop, and I figured we both knew I was just stalling. She wanted to hear
this, and I was going to tell her. But where to even begin? I shook my head in a
weak attempt to clear my thoughts.

As I finally spoke up again, I could only hope she would stay true to her words
and not interrupt. You know I used to live in Chicago before I came here. With
my mother, and... I felt a tight pressure over my chest, and struggled to keep my
breathing under control. ...and her husband.
Alice just nodded, an unreadable look on her face. I forced myself to continue.
He was... hurting me. She blinked and I could see her chin starting to quiver, but
she remained silent and waited for me to go on. I didnt want to, but there was no
turning back now. I inhaled, shakily. He would hit me whenever I did something
bad...
Its not true, Edward. He had no right to hurt you, no matter what you might have
done. Youre not bad. Not bad, not bad...
...whenever he fucking felt like it, I corrected myself, anger and bitterness
welling up inside me, and I started pacing the room. Then I stopped, facing away
from Alice. But that wasnt the worst part. He... did more than that.
I could hear Alices sharp intake of air, but I refused to turn around. Horror or pity,
disgust or sympathy, whatever emotions her face would reveal in that moment, I
didnt want to see it. Because I knew that if I looked at her right now, even for a
mere second, I would fall apart. And there was no Bella here to help put me back
together.
He would come into my room at night, I went on, not stopping when my voice
cracked, ...and he would... do things... to me. I let out a shuddering breath. And
she would let him.
There was a faint sob coming from behind me, and I realized Alice had started
crying, but I still couldnt bring myself to acknowledge her. So I remained with
my back against her, my eyes locked on a small stain on the wall. That was when I
heard a familiar voice that chilled me to the bone, even though I knew on some
level that it was just in my head.
On you knees and face the wall, James ordered coldly, and I could feel him
breathing against my neck. I could tell he was angry, but at the same time, he
seemed secretly pleased, although I couldnt figure out why.
He kept saying I was the one forcing him to do this, that I gave him no choice, but
I never understood what he meant by that. I didnt screw up, as he would put it,
on purpose. I wanted to be good, so he wouldnt have to punish me, but no matter
how hard I tried, it was just never enough.

Not daring to disobey, I did as I was told, squeezing my eyes shut and trying to
shut the rest of the world out as I felt him approaching me. Then I started chanting
in my head, like I had done so many times before, itll be over soon, itll be over
soon, itll be over soon...
But it was a lie. It would never be over, at least not as long as I kept waking up
every morning. The pain would never really stop.
I heard a noise behind me and spun around in panic, only to find that Alice had
gotten up from the bed at some point, and was now standing only a few feet away,
her bottom lip trembling as she watched me, quietly. My entire body was shaking,
and I wrapped my arms around myself, staring down at my feet.
But as the seconds ticked by, I started to find the silence unbearable, so I opened
my mouth to say something - anything - but the words got stuck in my throat. So I
raised my head and looked at her, trying to fight back the nausea threatening to
well up inside me. I was falling, and there was no one who would catch me.
Edward... she whispered then, and I tilted my head to the side, my eyes
narrowing as I tried to read her expression. She could clearly tell I was done
talking, because she went on, softly, Im so sorry.
Why? I demanded, finally snapping out of it enough to find my voice. I wasnt
sure I actually wanted to hear this, but I couldnt help myself - I had to ask. Why
are you sorry?
I didnt know what I had been expecting, but her next words came as a total shock.
Im so sorry, because I was right.

Chapter 67
EPOV
Im so sorry, because I was right.
She was right? She was fucking right?
Right about what?
When I just stared at her blankly, Alice started to look nervous and cleared her

throat. I mean, I couldnt know for certain, but I always had my suspicions. Of
course, I hoped I was wrong, but... she shrugged and lowered her eyes, ...the
signs were all there, you know?
There were fucking signs? I just looked at her, feeling like my head was spinning.
After what seemed like an eternity, I finally managed to croak, What signs?
Alice shifted awkwardly from one foot to the other. Well, how you couldnt stand
anyone touching you, for one thing. I figured someone mustve... touched you... in
some way... She swallowed, clearly unable to finish the sentence.
I just shook my head, not knowing how to respond to this. As much as I was
stunned by Alices revelation, I realized I wasnt all that surprised. Deep down, a
part of me had always felt like Alice could see right through me - I just chose not
to think about it, mostly because it seemed easier to live in denial.
Now I felt a shiver run down my spine, but tried to force myself to remain in the
present. If you suspected... I took a deep breath. Why did you never...?
What? Mention anything? Ask you if it was true? Alice gave me a look of
disbelief. Think about it, Edward. You could barely stand to talk to me as it was.
How would you react if I had come out and asked you if... if you...
She shook her head. I didnt want to upset you, thats why. I hoped some day
youd be ready to... Her voice trailed off and her eyes widened. Wait a minute,
should I have said something? Would that have been better?
I opened my mouth, then closed it again. If Alice had ever asked me straight out if
James had... done all those things to me, I wouldve freaked out. We both knew it.
All these years, I had been absolutely positive people would look at me with
disgust, should they ever find out the truth. Of course, Carlisle and Esme had
never shown any signs of being disgusted, or judging me, but surely the rest of the
world couldnt be so fucking understanding.
So, naturally, when Bella entered my life and managed to break through my
defenses, nestling her way into my battered heart, I was convinced she was the
exception, one in a million, who was able to see past what was obviously wrong
with me and actually find something good and decent inside me after all,
something I never even knew was there.
But when Emmett accidentally found out what happened to me, his exact words
had been "you have nothing to be ashamed of." Emmett, who I had assumed

would be the first person, given the opportunity, to remind me of how screwed up
and worthless I really was, that I deserved whatever I got, if not worse.
And now it turned out that Alice had suspected the truth all along, and yet she had
always treated me like a person, like I mattered. Like she cared. She would make
an effort to connect with me, act like I belonged in the family, and I had only ever
given her shit in return.
Suddenly I just wanted to fucking cry. Yell, curse and break things. Run as far
away as possible. Stay and beg for forgiveness. Bella. I wanted Bella. But she
wasnt here. Alice was here, though. And she was looking at me now with fear in
her eyes, like she had actually done something wrong. Like she ever had. I
squeezed my eyes shut, forcing back a sob.
Fuck my life. Fuck everything .
Im sorry if I handled things badly, Alice mumbled in a small voice, turning her
face away and quickly sweeping her hand over her cheek to brush away a tear. I
just... I always wanted to be there for you, but I didnt really know how.
Why? I choked out. Ive always been an ass to you. My eyes were burning
and my throat felt too tight. I wanted to just curl up in a corner and make it all go
away, yell at Alice to leave me the fuck alone so she would get pissed at me, like I
deserved. But this was her room, not mine, so I had no right to tell her to go
anywhere. I was the one who should go, but my feet were frozen at the spot.
You werent always an ass, and I have never blamed you for anything you did, or
said to me. Alice let out a shuddering breath. I knew you werent really angry at
me, you just didnt trust me. A beat. I want you to trust me, Edward. Please, just
tell me what to do.
I do trust you, I whispered hoarsely, and it wasnt until the words had already
left my mouth that I realized it was the truth.
You do? The hopeful look on her face made my heart ache. She shouldnt care,
and yet, somehow, she did. I could only nod in response. Her eyes never left mine
as she took a hesitant step closer. Do you trust me not to hurt you if I touch you?
she then asked, softly.
I gulped, thinking quickly. Bella could touch me, and had been able to for quite
some time. I was now okay with physical contact from Carlisle and Esme as well.
My brain had finally registered that neither of them would hurt me, and that there
was nothing painful about their touch.

Seeing how I had just admitted to Alice that I trusted her, I would be a fucking
hypocrite if I told her no. So I swallowed hard, and nodded.
Slowly, slowly, she raised her hand, her eyes still locked on mine. I braced myself
for the contact, not wanting to upset her by involuntarily flinching. But to my
surprise, her hand stopped mid-air. She just looked at me, as if waiting for
something. It took a moment before understanding dawned on me.
She had obviously made the first move - the ball was now in my court. I just had
to reach out. It wasnt until she spoke again that I realized I had been hesitating.
You dont have to... she started, rejection evident in her voice. But she stopped
when I lifted my own hand - the one not still wrapped in bandage - and she
watched me with large eyes.
I dont know what I had been expecting, but nothing happened when our fingers
met, no panic, no flash backs - nothing. Alice gave my hand a soft squeeze, and I
was perfectly okay, just like when Esme had hugged me, and Carlisle had patted
my shoulder, and Bella...
Well, it wasnt exactly like when Bella touched me. Bellas touch was different,
left me longing for more. Whenever Bella would touch me, I wanted to beg her
never to stop, never to let go. But still, Alice didnt make me feel trapped, or
uncomfortable. If anything, her touch was comforting. I knew deep down that I
should be relieved. But I wasnt.
Instead I felt cheated. And it hit me like a ton of bricks.
All this time, I had desperately avoided any kind of physical contact, shied away
in terror whenever anyone would come too close. The mere thought of someones
- anyones - hands on me made me feel nauseous, and I would panic, the lack of
control scaring me half to death.
But people were touching me now, and I was fine. It made me question everything
I thought I knew. Would I have been fine all along, if I hadnt allowed my fear to
control me? If I hadnt been so fucking weak? It suddenly occurred to me that
while James hadnt been able to punish me for a long time, I seemed to have done
a pretty good job of punishing myself.
Well, fuck that! I was in control now. Or so I thought.
Edward? I didnt realize I had started sobbing until I felt Alice carefully rubbing
my arm. Hey, whats wrong? Why are you sad?

I wasnt sad - I was fucking pissed off. Pissed off at myself, at my fucked up life.
Pissed off at James for fucking up my life in the first place. And most of all, I was
pissed off at my mother, for letting him. I never asked for this. I never asked to
become an emotionally retarded freak.
Yet I was, and it pissed me the fuck off. As much as I wanted - needed - to punch
something, I couldnt bring myself to move an inch. Instead I just stood there, in
the middle of Alices room, my fists clenching and un-clenching at my sides as I
was unable to stop the choked sobs from escaping my throat.
I didnt look at Alice, but I could tell by the way she had started fidgeting next to
me that she was nervous, alarmed, by my unpredictable behavior. Poor Alice, she
didnt deserve to have me freaking out on her like this. I tried to move past her, but
she stubbornly stepped in my way, preventing me from fleeing the scene.
Edward, talk to me, please. You just said you trusted me. There was a pleading
note in her voice. But even though I wanted to explain, make her understand, I
couldnt find the words.
I couldnt fucking breathe.
After that, things were pretty much a blur. I was vaguely aware of Alice yelling
something, Carlisle storming into the room a moment later, and the sound of
frantic voices, coming from all around me. But I didnt acknowledge any of them.
My lungs were burning, making my chest hurt, and I couldnt get the fucking pain
to stop.
Just fucking deal with it! Youve been bad - this is nothing more than you deserve.
No, you were never bad. He just enjoyed breaking you, and he succeeded. If he
could, hed be laughing at you right now, taking pleasure in how fucking pathetic
you are. How does that feel?
Shut up! Shut the fuck up!
Cant handle the truth, can you? Can you?
No, I cant! Just fucking stop it!
Please, just stop it...
Stop it, I mumbled as I became aware of a slight pressure on my shoulders. My

throat felt like sandpaper, and I blinked, disoriented. Slowly raising my head to
take in my surroundings, I realized I was sitting on the floor, my fingers buried in
my hair.
Carlisle was crouching next to me, his hands still on my shoulders. Just keep
breathing, son, in and out. Youre okay, he told me quietly. I tried to nod, but the
small movement caused my entire body to shudder. That was when I heard Alice,
and remembered exactly where I was.
Im sorry, Im so sorry, whatever I did, I didnt mean it, she babbled frenetically,
and when I turned my head to look at her, I noticed tears were streaming down her
cheeks.
If it was possible to hate myself even more, I did.
Alice, I croaked, cringing at my raspy voice. Dont. Just fucking dont. You
didnt do anything. She watched me skeptically for a moment, and then slowly
made her way across the room, dropping to her knees next to me. I reached out
without even thinking, grabbing hold of her hand. Im sorry.
She sniffled a couple of times, then managed a weak smile. Its okay, she
whispered, tearfully. As long as youre all right.
I wasnt all right though, not by a fucking long shot, but I didnt have the heart to
tell her. So I just nodded.
Carlisle cleared his throat, his eyes darting between Alice and me. May I ask
what happened to set this off? His voice was gentle, calming. I took a couple of
slow, steady breaths.
I just... I hesitated, not sure how to explain. But I felt like I should. I told
Alice... about what he did to me. There were times when I could actually bring
myself to say his name out loud, however, this was not one of them. And I... I
swallowed. I realized something.
Watching me in silence for a moment, Carlisle then asked, softly, Do you want to
talk about it?
I shook my head. I didnt want to talk. He wouldnt understand. How could he,
when I didnt even understand, myself? Carlisle, Esme and Bella, they had all told
me at some point that James was gone now, that he couldnt hurt me anymore.
That he could no longer control me, and that I shouldnt let him keep destroying
my life. Maybe they were right.

It slowly became clear to me that the bastard had simply left it up to me to finish
the job.
I want Bella, I choked out, realizing I sounded like a terrified kid who had just
woken up from a nightmare. In a way, it was true. My past was my nightmare, and
in a way, I was still living it.
Bella left, son, about ten minutes ago. Carlisle sounded regretful.
Ill call her, Alice offered instantly, dropping my hand and jumping up from the
floor. She seemed eager to please me, and I really wished she wouldnt. It was like
even the smallest kindness she showed me now cut me like a fucking dagger in the
heart. It was me who should be making it up to her, not the other way around. She
shouldnt be so fucking nice and forgiving.
So I shook my head, begging her with my eyes to understand. No. Dont. She
looked a little confused, but nodded in acceptance and sank back down on the
floor. I grabbed her arm - not too hard, she could easily pull away if she wanted to
- and I watched how something in her expression changed. I knew then that she
wouldnt go anywhere until I asked her to.
Alice, Im sorry, I mumbled weakly. I wanted to say so much more, but the
words wouldnt come. Maybe because there werent any. She had never given up
on me - I was the one who had given up on myself.
You already said that, she reminded me, and I could tell she was trying to keep
her tone light. She failed, though, seeing how her voice trembled. In that moment,
I just wanted to hug her.
So I did.
I wrapped my arms around her before I could lose my courage. At first she just sat
there, completely still, but then she seemed to snap out of the shock, and I felt her
arms carefully slip around me. Then she started rubbing my back. Its okay, she
whispered. Everythings gonna be okay.
God, how I wanted to believe her.
I knew Carlisle was still in the room, but he didnt say anything, although I could
feel his eyes on me as he watched me and Alice in silence. I glanced at him, and I
could see a wave of emotions swimming in his eyes. Pain, sadness, hope. Relief.
Pride?

Why dont you hate me? I managed to get out as I turned my attention back to
Alice. I could hear her inhale, shakily.
Why would I hate you? she threw back at me, her voice thick with emotion.
How could I hate you? My God, Edward... Her voice broke.
I squeezed her tighter as she kept sniffling, and found myself wondering how I
ended up being the one to comfort her. It felt kind of good, though, to be able to do
something for her after all. Plus, putting my focus on Alice made the voices in my
head shut up, at least for the moment.
Edward, no one could possibly hate you, Carlisle now stated, quietly. There
will always be ups and downs in life, for all of us. We will get through this as a
family, because thats what we are. We support each other. A pause. And I
believe youre finally starting to see that.
Families hurt each other, I muttered to myself, not intending for him to hear me.
But he did.
Not this family. His voice was firm, steady. And I knew he was right. I didnt
respond, though. However, I got the feeling he took my silence for acceptance.
Because he gave my shoulder a gentle squeeze as he went on, Its time to move
on, son. Were all here for you.
This time, I managed a brief nod. I still wanted Bella, though. She always
understood me the way no one else did, including myself. Maybe I still wasnt
whole when she was around, but at least I felt a little less broken. Less like myself,
and more like... someone else. Someone that wasnt me, but that I hoped I might
become one day. I wanted to be that person. For her.
And for myself.
I wanted a fucking life. He took it away from me. And I hated him for it. I fucking
hated him. Both of them.
And I hated myself. But I didnt want to anymore. I was so fucking tired of feeling
that way.
Still, bitterness, anger and self-loathing raged inside me, threatening to tear me
apart. I didnt know what to do with those feelings, what to do with myself. I
suspected Alice sensed the change in my posture, but she didnt pull back, didnt
let go of me. And I held on to her, because in that moment, she was the only thing

keeping me anchored.
I wanted Bella. I needed her. But she wasnt here. Alice was here, though. Alice
and Carlisle. They were my family, and they wanted to help me. Deep down, I
feared I was beyond help, but I wanted to let them try, anyway. I didnt want to
keep disappointing them, keep letting them down.
So I kept hugging Alice, wordlessly accepting her comfort, and trying to offer her
some in return. It took a while, but finally, my inner turmoil seemed to settle
down. And I felt almost at peace.

Chapter 68
BPOV
I knew Edward was anxious about going back to therapy, and the closer we got,
the more edgy he became. I also knew better by now than to take his mood swings
and temper tantrums personally, so whenever he would snap at me for no apparent
reason, it was safe to say he got more upset by the whole thing than me.
As much as I tried to convince him that I understood, that I realized he wasnt
deliberately trying to hurt me, it pained me to see him like that. I knew he was
scared, but I was so proud of him for not backing out. Carlisle had warned me of
set-backs once Edward started facing his past, and I figured Id better brace
myself.
With only a couple of hours left until Carlisle and Esme would pick us up after
school so we could all go to Port Angeles, I noticed how he started shutting off
more and more. Yesterday wed been having lunch with Alice and Jasper - even
Emmett had made a brief appearance - but today, Edward and I were sitting at our
picnic table by ourselves.
We were eating mostly in silence, seeing how Edward barely responded when I
spoke to him, and I had given up trying to start a conversation. It wasnt that he
was being rude to me, nor did he attempt to push me away. He was just distant.
Miles away.
Still, he seemed to be taking comfort from my presence, because he didnt leave
my side unless he had to - whenever we had to split up for class - and he stayed as
close to me as he could possibly get. I didnt mind, it was just painful to see him

suffer and not being able to help him. Then again, maybe I did, just by being there.
Hey? I held up my half empty can of soda in a silent offer when he finally
looked up. He just shook his head. I sighed. We should probably head to class.
He shrugged. Dont really feel like going. Think Ill just skip it.
I bit my lip, hesitating for a moment. All right. Then Ill skip, too.
You shouldnt risk getting in trouble because of me. He picked up what was left
of his sandwich, then grimaced and dropped it again. Im not very good company
at the moment, Bella. You should just go. Ill meet you after class.
I shook my head, rolling my eyes. Edward, just come to Bio with me. Itll be
better than sitting out here all alone, moping. Believe me.
Im not fucking moping, he grumbled. When I didnt respond, just looked at him
in silence, he sighed and glanced at me. I dont see why youd even want to be
around me right now. Look, Bella, Im sorry. Im just-
...nervous about meeting Dr. Weber this afternoon, I finished softly, taking his
hand. I understand. He shook his head in objection and opened his mouth, but I
cut him off, Edward, its okay. You dont have to hide how you feel from me.
Im not. His eyes darkened and he looked away. I was gonna say Im not
nervous, Im fucking terrified.
I gave his hand a squeeze, wishing he would just look at me. Tell me what to do,
baby, I whispered after a moments silence. How can I make this easier for
you? He just shrugged, and I was at a loss.
Charlie had taken the whole thing pretty well. Of course, I had taken the easy way
out and simply told him I was having dinner in Port Angeles with Edward and his
parents. My dad had always liked Esme and Carlisle. Although I felt a bit bad for
not being completely honest, I told myself it was for the best.
Besides, it wasnt like Edward and I were sneaking around, doing something
inappropriate. I nearly snorted at the thought. Charlie really didnt have anything
to worry about.
I wasnt stupid, though. If I was going to keep following Edward to his therapy
sessions - and even more so, if I would start seeing the therapist on my own - I
would have to come clean with Charlie. However, I decided not to waste any

energy worrying about that now - I would just have to cross that bridge when I got
there.
Now I turned my attention back to Edward, searching my mind for something to
say that would calm him. I almost reminded him that this first meeting wasnt
really a session, but then I thought better of it. So what if it wasnt? It didnt
change anything. Sooner or later, he would have to deal with the heavy stuff. And
it was bound to be painful.
What if I cant do this? he suddenly asked in a small voice, his eyes on the table
in front of him. I could see the fear and self-doubt, coming off him in waves, and
felt a stab of pain in my heart.
Youre already doing it, baby. Dont you see? I reached out for him, my fingers
finding their way to his hair, and I watched him close his eyes and let out a
shuddering breath. We were all alone out there by the picnic tables, but even if the
entire school had been gathered around us, it wouldnt have stopped me.
No matter what happens now, you made the choice to take the matter in your own
hands and move on, I went on as I kept stroking his hair, enjoying the way he
would instinctively lean into my touch. Youve already come so far, and I
couldnt be more proud of you. Were in this together, Edward. Itll be okay.
He didnt respond at first, and I didnt push him. Instead I just waited patiently,
giving him a moment to let my words sink in. I want to do this, he finally
admitted, quietly. I just nodded. He was silent for a moment, then let out a
frustrated sigh. And at the same time, Idont want to. Fuck! I know that doesnt
make any sense.
No, I understand, I assured him. I know its scary. Just remember - Ill be there
with you every step of the way. He managed a small smile, and I put my head
down on his shoulder, sighing contently when his arms slipped around me. For a
moment, we just sat there in silence.
Then a thought hit me. Hey, do you think Carlisle and Esme would let us have
some time for ourselves in Port Angeles before we have to go back home? After
seeing Dr. Weber, I mean. Maybe we could do something, just the two of us. Get
some ice-cream, or go see a movie? You know, something fun, to get our mind off
things. The more I thought about it, the more I started to like the idea.
Edward shrugged, although I noticed he looked a little interested. Maybe. A
pause. Yeah, Id like that.

I smiled, relieved. Me too. As the mood seemed to have lifted a bit, we gathered
our belongings before getting up and heading for Biology together. Edward
walked beside me without objections, and he didnt mention skipping class again.
I didnt bring it up, either.
Before I knew it, the last class for the day was over, and I found Edward waiting
for me outside of Gym. I couldnt keep the happy smile off my face and launched
myself into his arms, inwardly melting when he instantly captured my lips with
his. Kissing Edward was something I would never get tired of.
Unfortunately, our innocent make-out session didnt go unnoticed. Jessica Stanley
made a gagging sound as she passed us, giving both me and Edward the evil eye,
and it didnt take a genius to figure out that she was still upset with me for the
thoughtless comment I had dropped the other day about her and Mike.
Seeing how she didnt seem to have accepted my apology, I decided to just let it
go, and live with the fact that I had clearly made an enemy. Jessica was not the
type of girl I wanted to be friends with, anyway. If she expected me to grovel, she
was seriously mistaken. As far as I was concerned, she and Mike could have each
other.
We left the school building hand in hand, heading for Carlisles black Mercedes
that was already waiting in the parking lot. Edward and I both slid into the
backseat, quietly returning his parents greetings, however, the moment the door
closed behind us and Carlisle stepped on the gas so he could get us away from the
school property, I noticed Edward shutting down again.
None of us said much during the drive, and in a way, I figured it was just as well.
Edwards apprehension was painfully obvious to all of us in the car, and I knew
there was nothing anyone could possibly say to make his fear go away at this
point. So I just did my best to soothe him without words - gently caressing his
arm, squeezing his hand, whatever I could think of to make him relax a little.
But this time, nothing I did seemed to work.
OoO
EPOV
I wasnt ready for this. In all honesty, I wasnt sure I would ever be. Bella was
amazing, as always. She was my rock, my shoulder to lean on, and she was right

there next to me, just like she had promised to be. And yet, I was a fucking wreck.
To say that I was scared would be a fucking understatement - I was way beyond
that. I hadnt exaggerated when I told Bella I was terrified.
Deep down, I knew I shouldnt be. Not yet, anyway. Today was only going be
introductions and shit. Piece of fucking cake, right?
Bullshit. I didnt want to be here. But Id be damned if I was going to back out
now. Hell, I had made it this far - I would just have to endure, somehow.
Edward, sweetie, why dont you sit down? Esme suggested softly, no doubt
sensing my discomfort. Having arrived a bit early, we had been shown to a waiting
area outside Dr. Webers office. We were the only people waiting.
I ignored her - if I wanted to sit down, I would fucking do so. Instead I remained
where I was, leaning back against the wall with my arms crossed over my chest.
Bella was standing next to me, close enough that our shoulders were touching, and
I didnt even want to think about how anxious I would be right now if she hadnt
been there.
It didnt take long before a door opened at the far side of the room and a woman
with light brown hair and glasses, looking to be in her early thirties, was standing
in the doorway. A gentle smile lit up her face when she saw us. Hello, you must
be the Cullens. Im sorry for keeping you guys waiting. Im Dr. Angela Weber, but
you can just call me Angela. Please, come on in. She took a step back.
Thank you. Carlisle returned her smile and got up, Esme in tow. He glanced at
me, clearly waiting for me to follow, but my feet seemed to be frozen at the spot
and I threw a panicked look at Bella.
Obviously seeing my rising distress, Bella stood up on her toes and gave me a soft
peck on the lips. Then she rubbed my arm, soothingly. Itll be okay, baby, I
promise. Ill be right outside. You can do this, I know you can. Ill see you soon.
Taking a deep breath, I nodded and pushed myself away from the wall, reluctantly
leaving Bellas side. Dr. Weber waited for the three of us to enter, and I eyed her
warily as I stepped past her into the office. She closed the door quietly behind me
before turning around to face us. Well, this is my office. Its not much, but I think
its quite cozy. Would any of you like something to drink? Coffee? Tea?
Carlisle and Esme both asked for a cup of coffee. I just shook my head when Dr.
Weber gave me a questioning look. She nodded in acceptance and hurried across
the room, only to return a moment later with the steaming beverages. Then she

gestured for us to sit. I thought of being stubborn and remain standing, but decided
against it and slumped down in one of the large, comfortable looking chairs.
I take it youre Edward. Dr. Weber gave me a soft smile when I nodded in
acknowledgment. After Carlisle and Esme had introduced themselves, she turned
back to me. I was thinking we could just spend the next hour getting to know
each other. I might ask you some questions, but we wont get into anything too
deep today. How does that sound?
I just shrugged in response at first, but then it hit me that I would have to talk to
her sooner or later - there was no getting around that - so I might as well get it
over with. Fine, I guess.
Great. She sounded pleased, clearly not put off by my lack of enthusiasm. So,
Edward, I read in your file that youre seventeen. That makes you a junior, right?
I nodded. Hows school? You like it?
Its all right. I gave her a somewhat suspicious look, but decided it was a safe
enough subject.
She nodded in understanding. And what do you do when youre not at school?
Do you have any friends you like to hang out with?
I rolled my eyes and shook my head, about to inform her that I didnt have any
friends because I was an antisocial freak, but then I realized that wasnt entirely
true. Well, I have a girlfriend.
Yeah? Thats nice. Something in her voice told me she was being sincere, and I
found myself relaxing, if ever so little. Whats her name?
Bella. I couldnt keep a small smile from spreading on my face at the mention of
my girl. Shes waiting outside.
Oh, so thats the girl I saw out in the waiting room. Her smile widened and she
took a small sip of water from the glass in front of her. She was very pretty. How
long have the two of you been seeing each other?
The questions didnt seem too bad, at least not yet. Um, not that long. A couple of
months.
I see. Dr. Weber paused. She kept her tone light as she went on, Am I correct to
assume that Bella is aware of the reason why youre here today? I glanced at
Carlisle and Esme before nodding. So far, they had been sitting there in silence,

letting me do the talking, but I had to admit it still felt good to have them around.
Actually... Carlisle cleared his throat, speaking up for the first time. Bella has
expressed interest in accompanying Edward to his session some time.
Oh? Dr. Weber watched him for a moment before turning back to me. How do
you feel about that, Edward?
I was a little taken aback by the question. Um, I dont mind. Hell, quite the
opposite.
Are you sure? There was a hint of concern in her voice. Sometimes, its easier
to-
Its easier when shes around! I snapped, abruptly cutting her off. Then I closed
my eyes, struggling to control my temper. Fuck! This would be even harder than I
thought.
Dr. Weber didnt appear to be overly surprised by my outburst. Okay. I just
wanted to make sure its what you really want. You see, some people find it harder
to open up and discuss sensitive matters in front of someone they know, but as
long as youre comfortable, I dont see any problem with Bella coming here every
once in a while.
While I felt some of the tension leave my body, I refused to let my guard down
completely. Dr. Weber seemed okay so far, but that didnt mean I was about to
trust her. So I merely grunted in response to her statement, watching her
cautiously.
She went on in a calm voice, Edward, Ill be frank with you. I know youve been
seeing a lot of different counselors, and that it hasnt really worked out for you.
Now, you dont owe me any explanations, so Im not going to ask why. But there
is one thing Id like to ask of you, a favor of sorts. Is that okay?
Blinking in surprise, I then shrugged, folding my arms defensively across my
chest. You can ask, I muttered, the tone of my voice leaving no guarantee I
would agree to anything.
Thank you. If she had been offended by my obvious reluctance, she didnt let it
show. Then I want you to give me five weeks. I just looked at her blankly, not
understanding what she meant. Seeing my confusion, she clarified, It is my job to
gain your trust, but I need you to give me the chance. Will you give me that long
before deciding whether or not to give up on me?

I stared at her, wondering if she was serious. When she just watched me with an
expectant look on her face, I self-consciously lowered my eyes and mumbled,
And what if you decide to give up on me before then?
Something in her expression changed, and until she spoke, I hadnt even realized I
was holding my breath. Im here for you, Edward, not the other way around. Im
not giving up on you, and Im not going anywhere. Thats a promise. A pause.
Now, the rest is up to you. What do you say? Five weeks?
I could hear a clock ticking somewhere in the room, and if I listened closely, I also
heard the sound of the wind blowing outside. Aside from that, there was only
silence, and I knew they were all waiting for my response.
I fucking hated being the center of attention. But this time, I had brought it on
myself, by coming here. It suddenly hit me that she was right - it was up to me. I
could say no, walk out of here and never look back. Show everyone that I had
been right all along - there really was no hope for me, and they were just stupid to
believe otherwise.
Or I could get a fucking grip, and make an honest attempt to prove myself wrong.
Whether or not it was possible.
I nodded. Five weeks.
Chapter 69
EPOV
Five weeks. I had agreed to five fucking weeks.
Okay, so it felt like a long time right now, but it would still be bearable. Right?
When I first left Dr. Webers office, it was like something inside me had changed.
I had yet to figure out if it was a good thing or not, but I did know there was really
no turning back now. I couldnt go back to being the person I used to be. Of
course, I wasnt naive enough to expect any miracles, but for the first time ever
after leaving a therapy session, I felt something close to hope.
Unfortunately, I was unable to hold on to that feeling very long.

Dr. Weber seemed different from all those other shrinks I had been seeing,
although I couldnt quite put my finger on what it was. That didnt mean I trusted
her, though, but it made me want to.
Over the years, I had gotten used to Carlisle and Esme sending me off to therapy
once a week, and I had mostly just obeyed with a shrug and an eye-roll, not
finding it worth the trouble of arguing, but knowing it was just a waste of time.
That said, I rarely had the heart to rub their noses in it whenever I turned out to be
right.
I had to admit I had been more than a little taken aback when Dr. Weber - instead
of parting with the usual Ill see you in a week - finished by insisting Id come
back only two days later. And she told me she wanted to see me alone, just the two
of us.
Having obviously seen the panic on my face, she had calmly raised a hand to
indicate that she wasnt finished and that I should just hear her out. Now Edward,
I want you to remember that the waiting room is just on the other side of that door.
Anyone you choose to bring here will be no more than thirty feet away, and if you
feel itll be too much too soon, I wont hesitate to call them in here. But...
I held my breath.
...thats how Id like for us to start our first official session, she finished in a
firm, yet gentle voice. In fact, thats the only thing I will ask of you - for you to
walk into this room on Friday, by yourself. Do you think you can do that?
I could say no. We both knew that I didnt have to play by her rules.
True. But your rules havent really worked out so far, have they?
Sure, I mumbled, shrugging nonchalantly. To tell the truth, I didnt know why
the thought made me feel so uneasy. It wasnt like anyone had ever been in the
same room as me during my countless therapy sessions in the past. I had always
gone by myself. Then again, back then, I hadnt really cared about the outcome. I
would mostly just stall until my hour was up, so I could leave.
Now, I would actually have to make an effort. And it scared me shitless.
The slight hint of sympathy on Dr. Webers face told me she wasnt fooled by my
weak attempt of acting indifferent. For a moment, I felt like she could see right
through me, and it made me somewhat uncomfortable. Not to mention defensive.

So I got up without another word and headed for the door, not waiting to see if
Esme and Carlisle would rise and follow. As I put my hand on the door knob, Dr.
Weber spoke up, and I stopped in my tracks, Ill see you Friday, Edward.
Remember, all you have to do is show up. Well figure the rest out as we go.
I resisted the urge to glance at her over my shoulder, wondering if she was
expecting some kind of response. Yes, Id be back Friday - of that much I was
certain. After all, I did promise her five weeks. But even if I hadnt, Id still be
there. I had yet to decide how I felt about Dr. Weber, but I was going to give her a
chance, just like she had asked.
Bella was waiting outside, just like I knew she would be, but I was still relieved
when I spotted her. She was reading some magazine, but as soon as she heard the
door open, she put it down and rose from the chair. Hey, she whispered softly,
walking straight into my arms, and I happily welcomed her embrace. Are you
okay? I could tell she was trying to hide the concern in her voice.
Yeah, Im fine, I responded immediately, although the way her arms tightened
around me told me she wasnt totally convinced. She didnt question me, though,
and for that I was grateful.
What do you guys say we stop someplace and get something to eat before we
head home? Carlisle walked up behind us, waiting for me to turn my head in his
direction before gently placing his hand on my shoulder. Theres this nice Italian
restaurant not far from here. Their food is really good.
Having hardly eaten anything at lunch today, I was practically starving by now, but
I still found the thought of spending some time alone with Bella to be more
tempting than food. Actually, Bella and I... I started, then stopped, not wanting
to offend him, or seem ungrateful. Truth be told, the whole giving a damn about
other peoples feelings was still kind of new to me.
Edward, its okay, One look at Bellas face told me she felt the same way. Food
sounds pretty good right now. I nodded, not sure whether to be relieved she didnt
seem upset, or disappointed that she agreed with me.
Looking between me and Bella, Carlisle then threw a quick glance at Esme, and
they exchanged a brief nod before he turned back to us. Bella, what time does
your father expect you to be back home?
Um... She hesitated a little. Since its a school night, my curfews at ten.

He nodded in understanding. Well, then theres no rush. Ill tell you what. Why
dont we meet up in an hour, and then well all have dinner together before we go
back home. You can do whatever you want until then. Bella and I both nodded in
acceptance.
Oh, and Bella? I want you to call your dad right now and let him know well be
staying for a while. I dont want him to worry about you. Carlisle gave Bella a
firm look, although he smiled to take the edge off his words. You two be careful
now, and dont go wandering too far. Edward, you have your phone? I reached
into my pocket and held up the object in question. Good. Dont hesitate to use it.
And we were off.
Bella and I ended up at a small coffee shop, only a few blocks away. She ordered a
coffee drink of some kind, topped with a large amount of whipped cream and
chocolate syrup. It looked good, but I settled for a regular cup of coffee - black.
So... Bella took a sip of her drink, looking at me over her huge glass. Your first
session, day after tomorrow. How do you feel about that?
Having filled her in briefly on the way over here, I put my cup down with a frown.
I already told you-
She cut me off, softly, Yeah, but I want to know how you really feel. A pause.
Unless you dont want to talk about it. Thats okay. We dont have to.
Sighing, I picked up my cup again, mostly to keep my hands occupied. I dont
know, Bella. My minds a fucking blur right now. Can we please just talk about
something else?
Yes, of course. She didnt appear to be offended, but I still felt kind of bad. Bella
always told me how she wanted me to be honest with her, insisting I could tell her
anything. And most of the time these days, I didnt mind. Because I knew she just
wanted to help, and I was slowly getting used to expressing my thoughts and
talking about my feelings. In a way, talking to Bella usually made me feel better.
But there were other times when my thoughts and feelings were all just a mixed up
mess in my head, impossible for me to sort out and put into words. They didnt
even make sense tome, and I knew I wouldnt be able to explain them to Bella
without lashing out at her in frustration.
This was one of those moments. So I took a large gulp of my coffee, ignoring how
the hot beverage burned my tongue and throat.

Bella - obviously knowing me by now - graciously changed the subject. Do you

think Carlisle and Esme would let me spend the night at your place again some
time next week? I mean, since its spring break, and we dont have to go to
school. She then blushed and lowered her eyes, almost shyly. That is if you want
me to. I didnt mean to just assume... Her voice trailed off.
Was she serious? As if I wouldnt jump at any chance to spend time with her. I
gave her an incredulous look. Of course I do. You dont even have to ask. That
was when I remembered something that really put a damper on my mood. Wait,
next week? You mean after youve been to Phoenix. When you come back.
Her smile faded and she grimaced. Yeah.
And when exactly will that be? I had been too afraid to ask up until now. Bella
had told me shed be leaving early Saturday morning, and that she would be away
for a couple of days. But she hadnt given me any further details, and I had done
my best to cowardly avoid the subject.
She bit her lip. Well, the plane leaves at six pm on Monday. Ill be in Seattle
around ten, and then itll be another hour until I get to Port Angeles. Charlies
picking me up at the airport. Well probably be back in Forks some time around
midnight.
So, I wouldnt get to see her until Tuesday. Three days may not be much, and I
knew we would most likely be calling each other every day. Still, the thought of
Bella being so far away for that long made my chest hurt. Fuck, I missed her
already, and she was sitting right next to me.
I hadnt told Bella about Victorias upcoming visit on Monday. It wasnt like I had
deliberately been hiding it - it just hadnt come up. To tell the truth, I tried not
thinking about it too much. But at the back of my mind, I had always pictured
Bella being there, if not at the house, at least in the same fucking state. But that
would clearly not be the case. The hope I had been living on until that moment
died.
Even though I tried to hide my disappointment, I suspected Bella could tell
something was off. She wasnt stupid. But I decided not to say anything, not
wanting her to feel guilty about leaving. I knew she was already anxious about her
trip as it was - she didnt need to add my problems to the mix.
Surely I could survive without Bella for three days. Hell, it wasnt like I had a
fucking choice. I would just have to suck it up and deal somehow.

Before we knew it, almost an hour had passed and it was time to meet up with
Carlisle and Esme for dinner. The restaurant was called Bella Italia, and I had been
there a couple of times before over the years. It was the first time for Bella,
though, and she smiled at the name.
Carlisle told us to order whatever we wanted, insisting to pay for all of us. Bella
tried to object, but he wouldnt hear of it. I could tell it made her a little
uncomfortable, and when she finally decided on a small Caesar salad with smoked
salmon, I was pretty sure she just picked the cheapest dish on the menu.
Feeling like I hadnt eaten in days, my mouth started watering as I looked through
the menu, and I ordered a Porterhouse Pork Chop. Carlisle and Esme both decided
on the Chicken Marsala. While we waited for our food to arrive, Carlisle launched
into a long story about something that had happened at the hospital earlier today.
Bella and I were holding hands under the table, casting discreet looks at each other
and at the same time trying to act like we were paying attention. Although it felt a
bit weird at first, the four of us being out having dinner together like this, I
couldnt deny it was also kind of nice.
It didnt take long before a waiter showed up with our food, and I immediately
started eating. I could feel Esmes eyes on me, but she made no comments about
my sudden appetite. Instead she and Carlisle kept making small talk throughout
the dinner, making sure to include me and Bella, but at the same time never
forcing me to take part in the conversation. For that I was grateful.
It was also quite a relief that neither Carlisle, nor Esme, brought up the session
with Dr. Weber while we were eating, or I would most likely have lost my
appetite. Sure, it hadnt been nearly as bad as I had expected, but still, it was not
something I felt like discussing at the moment. Thankfully, they seemed to
understand that I didnt want to talk about it.
So, Bella... Carlisle finally pushed his empty plate away and took a sip of his
water. Hows that truck of yours? Has it given you any more problems?
She smiled, shook her head and put her fork down. Nope. Running smoothly as
ever. I snorted, and she mock glared at me. Hey! I dont force you to ride in it,
so zip it! I quickly raised my hands in surrender. She was kind of sensitive about
that hideous vehicle, and I didnt want to hurt her feelings. But at the same time, I
sort of feared for her life every time she got behind the wheel of that monstrosity.
I managed to push all thoughts about the therapy to the back of my mind - until

later that night, when I was all alone up in my room with nothing else to do but
just think. Desperate for some kind of distraction, I turned on both the TV and my
stereo, but - much to my frustration - the noise didnt help much.
For a moment, I considered calling Bella, knowing she would be able to get my
mind off things. Then I decided against it, Carlisles words about me getting too
dependent on her ringing in my head. After all, we had dropped her off less than
two hours ago, and the last thing I wanted was to prove him right. I still longed for
some company, though, something that was definitely out of character for me.
So I left my room and went downstairs, heading for the kitchen, where I found
Esme about to put white frosting on a batch of freshly baked cupcakes. She looked
up when I entered the room, smiling when she saw it was me. And here I was
certain Emmett would be the first to get down here. He seems to have a sixth sense
when it comes to these things.
She nodded towards the cupcakes and I had to chuckle, thinking she was probably
right. Its a new recipe, she continued as she went back to her task. If you stick
around for ten minutes, youll get the honor of being the first one to taste them. I
nodded and walked over to the table, where I slumped down on a chair and
watched her work in silence.
After a couple of minutes, she was finished and took a step back, eying her work
critically before humming in approval. Quickly putting the dirty dishes away and
wiping off the kitchen counter, she then walked over to me and sat down. You
know, I never got to ask you what you thought of Dr. Weber. Do you want to talk
about it? Ill be happy to listen.
I should have figured it was just a matter of time before she would bring it up.
Hesitating a little, I then shrugged. I dont really have an opinion.
She watched me thoughtfully for a moment, then nodded in acceptance. Thats
okay. I suppose its a bit early to say. A pause. Did you ask Bella to go with you
on Friday?
I shook my head. As much as I had wanted to, I knew she needed to stay at home
packing for her trip, not to mention that her father would most likely not approve,
seeing how she was going away the next morning and be gone for days. But I had
a pretty strong feeling she would offer to come anyway, should I just ask, and
thats why I hadnt. I never wanted her to feel obligated to do anything for me.
Esme was quiet for a moment, then spoke up softly, I know were a poor
substitute for Bella, but Carlisle and I will be there. Youll be fine.

Thanks, I mumbled, swallowing hard.

I know this is hard for you, sweetie. She carefully put her hand on my arm,
searching my face for any sign of discomfort. Just remember - we all believe in
you.
Can I have my cupcake now? I asked in a strained voice, feeling bad for
brushing her off when she was obviously trying to make me feel better, but fearing
her kindness would make me start blubbering like a fucking kid. I hated how it
didnt take much to set me off these days - I seemed to have lost all control of my
emotions, and it made me feel both weak and pathetic.
Sure. She gave me a sad smile - that I pretended not to see - and got up.
Sometimes, it would be easier if I could just go back to not allowing myself to feel
a thing, keeping it all locked up inside like I had for all these years. It fucking hurt
to feel. I remembered telling Bella once that everything fucking hurt, and that I
didnt know how to make it stop.
And two days later, when I was once again standing outside Dr. Webers office, I
knew it had barely started.

Chapter 70
EPOV
The door to the office was open, and I could hear piano music playing from inside
the room. I remained in the doorway, my head tilted to the side as I listened to the
soft tunes and tried to decide if I found it relaxing, or just annoying. Dr. Weber
was sitting behind the desk with her eyes closed, but suddenly she looked up - as if
she had sensed my presence - and smiled when she spotted me.
Its by a French composer named Claude Debussy, she explained, even though I
hadnt asked. Hes supposed to be the creator of impressionism in music. But Im
pretty sure this is not the type of music you would listen to. Ill turn it off if you
want.
I shrugged. Thats okay, I dont mind. In fact, whether I liked the music or not, I
figured it had to be better having it in the background than complete silence. I was

uncomfortable enough as it was.

Whatever you prefer. She reached for a small remote and turned the volume
down a little, but left the music on. Then she leaned back in her chair. Why dont
you close the door and sit down? Would you like something to drink? I have both
Pepsi and Dr. Pepper if you dont like coffee.
No, Im good. I closed the door behind me, then hesitated a little before slowly
making my way over to the couch. My heart was beating faster than normal and
my palms were sweaty, but I tried not to let my apprehension show.
Nodding in acceptance, she then pulled out the top drawer in her desk. I have
something for you, she told me matter-of-factly, and I watched her suspiciously
as she got up and walked over to me. For a moment I feared she would sit down
next to me, but instead she just put the flat object on the table in front of me and
went back to her office chair.
I frowned, looking down at what appeared to be some kind of book with a blue
cover. Then I raised my eyes and gave her a questioning look. Whats this?
Open it and see for yourself, was her only response.
Sighing, I did as she asked and picked up the book, opened it and turned a few
pages. Then I shrugged. Its empty.
Yes. She paused, as if waiting for me to say or ask something more, but when I
remained silent, she went on explaining, There will be times during our sessions
when Im going to ask you questions you wont feel comfortable answering out
loud. Then I want you to write down what youre thinking. When youre done, you
can decide whether or not you want to share it with me.
I gave her a skeptical look. And what if I dont? You wont read it?
She shook her head, firmly. Of course not.
If she was deliberately trying to confuse me, Id say it was working. Then whats
the fucking point?
She smiled. Youd be surprised by how much easier it can be to read text out loud
than speak freely from the heart. But thats beside the point. Lets face it, Edward you can lie to me if you want, but you cant lie to yourself. Whats important is
that you will have the answer this way. Some things are less difficult to
comprehend if you manage to get them down on paper.

I didnt know how to respond to that. Maybe she was right. But I didnt see how
writing shit down would help if she didnt even want to read it. How could she fix
me if she didnt know what the fucking problem was? Was it really just a waste of
time coming here after all?
Theres a magazine on the table. Dr. Webers voice snapped me out of my
thoughts. I want you to open it up on a random page, and write down the headline
of the first article that catches your eye. There should be a pen under there
somewhere. When I just stared at her in bewilderment, she raised a brow. You
may begin.
Was she serious? I shook my head to clear it. Okay, that didnt sound too hard, but
I failed to see the meaning of this. In a way, I supposed I should be relieved she
was obviously not jumping straight into business, forcing me to talk about shit I
desperately wanted to avoid. But then again, wasnt that why I was here?
So far, Dr. Weber didnt seem like any of the other shrinks I had seen before.
However, I had yet to figure out whether or not that was a good thing.
Just humor me, and Ill explain, she promised in a soft voice, clearly noticing
my confusion and taking pity on me. I rolled my eyes, wishing I had a way of
knowing what she was thinking, because so far, none of this made any sense to
me.
Fine, whatever, I muttered and obediently picked up the magazine, that turned
out to be an old issue of Washington Post. A moment later, I was done. Putting the
pen down, I looked at her expectantly.
She looked pleased, although I wasnt sure why. Good. Would you mind telling
me what you just wrote?
Um, all right... I couldnt see any reason to refuse, but I also couldnt help but
think this had to be the strangest fucking therapy session ever. Shrugging again, I
read out loud in a bored voice, Alaska moves toward legalized bear trapping.
Then I looked up at her again, waiting impatiently for her explanation.
I didnt have to wait long. The hardest part of writing is getting started. Ask any
author out there and they will confirm it. Now you wont have to stress over that,
since youve gotten the first words down. Anything you decide to write from now
on will be an improvement, because itll come from you, and not just some
insignificant article in the paper.

Then she was quiet for a moment, clearly wanting to give me a few seconds to let
her words sink in. I sighed. If you say so. You gonna start fixing me now, or
what? When she didnt respond right away, I took a deep breath and silently
counted to five. I really hated not being in control, especially when I had no idea
what to expect.
For something to be fixed, it needs to be broken. She watched me calmly. Is
that how you see yourself, Edward?
Now we were getting somewhere. I let out a snort. Why else would I be here? Of
course Im fucking broken.
She nodded slowly in understanding. Would you tell me what made you come to
that conclusion?
Well, the fact that I cant function like a normal person might have clued me in,
I muttered, looking away.
And how do you define normal?
I opened my mouth, then closed it again. I... I dont know. She had to know I
was right. Why couldnt she just fucking agree with me and move on?
Tell me about your girlfriend. I was surprised - and a little suspicious - when she
changed the subject. Bella, right? How did the two of you meet?
At least I knew the answer to this one. And it was a subject I didnt mind talking
about. Still, I wasnt about to let my guard down completely. I eyed her warily as I
answered. She had just moved here from Arizona. We became lab partners in Bio,
and she started coming to the house and hang out with Alice.
Your sister, right?
My adoptive sister, I corrected automatically, knowing this had to be in my file.
Of course. She smiled apologetically. So you and Bella met at school. Did you
hit it off right away?
I snorted. Hardly. We fucking hated each other. I was an ass to her, and she... my
voice trailed off as I started thinking back.
Dr. Weber remained silent, waiting for me to go on. I frowned. Actually, she was
always pretty nice to me, even when I treated her like crap. Guilt started welling

up inside me, and I grimaced. Deep down, I knew Bella and I had moved past this,
but it still made me feel bad to remember what a jerk I had been back then.
She leaned forward, propping her elbows up on the desk. Why do you think you
did that? Seeing my confusion, she clarified, You said you treated her like crap.
Do you know why?
I shrugged. Guess she made me feel... then I stopped, not knowing how to finish
that sentence.
The knowing look on Dr. Webers face made me lower my eyes. Insecure? she
suggested. When I didnt respond, she seemed to take my silence for acceptance
and went on, Sometimes its easier to just push people away than to let them in.
Not giving them the opportunity to hurt you. She paused, and I could feel her
eyes on me. And you have been hurt before.
Clenching my fists, I wondered what the hell I had been thinking coming here. I
realized she had just given me an opening, but I just couldnt bring myself to
confirm her statement. We both knew it was true, but she obviously wanted me to
say it. And I couldnt. So I stubbornly pressed my lips together, refusing to look at
her.
I know this is hard for you. She leaned back, folding her hands in her lap. And
yet youre here. Can you tell me why?
I inhaled shakily. Because I want to get better.
She nodded. And would you say that has always been your motivation for
attending your therapy sessions in the past?
Hesitating a little, I then shook my head. Not really.
So why did you?
I shifted awkwardly on the couch. Because Carlisle and Esme wanted me to.
I figured as much. There was a gentle note in her voice. Do you see the
difference, Edward? I realize you dont feel comfortable talking to me about what
happened yet, and thats okay. Just remember that this time, youre here for the
right reason. That alone is a huge step in the right direction, dont you agree?
Throwing a reluctant look in her direction, I then shrugged. I guess.

We are doing this on your terms, she continued softly. Im here to help you,
even though you may not always like what I have to say. But it all comes down to
the fact that youre the one in charge here. Im going to ask you questions, but you
are always welcome to let me know if theres something else youd rather be
talking about. Im open for suggestions, as long as it is of benefit for you.
If she was trying to make me feel more at ease, she was succeeding, and I actually
felt myself relax at her words. So I gave her a brief nod of acknowledgment.
Okay.
Lets go back to talking about Bella. She gave me a brief look, obviously
checking my reaction, and when I nodded in agreement, she continued, From
what I understand, Bella has quickly become a big part of your life. You feel
comfortable with her. Am I right? I nodded again. You said the other day its
easier when shes around. Do you talk to Bella about your past?
Sometimes, I admitted.
She nodded. And youre okay with that?
Yes. No. Fuck, I dont know! I let out a frustrated sigh. I dont mind telling her
things. Talkings not the problem. She looked at me expectantly, clearly waiting
for me to elaborate. I grimaced. I get these... flashbacks, all right? Like suddenly
Im not even here anymore. Im... I couldnt help but shudder, ...back there.
She didnt ask where there was, and for that I was grateful. I hadnt even planned
to tell her this much. Casting a look at my watch, I realized less than twenty
minutes had passed since I stepped into the office.
These flashbacks... I opened my mouth, but she raised a hand to indicate that she
wasnt finished. We dont need to get into whats causing them today. Instead Id
like for you to focus on the actual episodes. How often do you have them? Every
day? I shook my head. A couple of times a week?
I shrugged. Something like that.
I see. She got a thoughtful look on her face. I know you also get panic attacks,
which I have to say is not uncommon in your situation. Would you say they are
usually related to these flashbacks?
I... I dont know. Sometimes, I guess. Not always. I swallowed hard, feeling a
wave of uneasiness coming over me.

Do you remember the last time it happened?

Throwing a longing look at the door, I then let out a defeated sigh. A couple of
days ago. I recalled talking to Alice, and remembered the sudden blind hatred that
had practically consumed me as I thought of my mother and James. I fucking
hated them both, and wished they were dead. But they werent. James was in a
coma, but he was still alive. He could wake up. They were both still out there.
My heart started pounding and I jumped to my feet. I didnt even think as I
squeezed my eyes shut and started backing away, desperate to get away from...
fuck, I didnt even know. My mind screamed for Bella, but I knew it was useless. I
was on my own.
Edward... Dr. Webers firm voice broke through the ringing noise in my head
before the panic could set in completely. Edward, tell me where you are right
now.
My eyes snapped open and I stopped with a frown, looking at her blankly for a
moment. Then my brain seemed to start working again. Your office, I choked
out, relieved to find that my lungs werent burning, and that I could in fact breathe.
Thats right. Hold on to that thought, and youll be okay. She sounded perfectly
calm, like she was dealing with this sort of shit every day. It took a moment before
it occurred to me that she probably was, and to my surprise, I actually found the
thought slightly comforting.
That was until it hit me how close I had just come to losing it. Shame and
humiliation welled up inside me, and I felt myself starting to shiver.
Why dont we take a break? Dr. Webers voice was soft, sympathetic, but
instead of making me feel better, it had the opposite effect and only made me
angry. Her kindness made it so much harder for me to hate her, and in that
moment, I really wanted to. She must have seen my struggling for composure,
because she got up and gestured for the door. Would you like me to...?
No! I cut her off, not wanting her to get Carlisle or Esme in here. Im fine. We
both knew that was a lie, but thankfully, she didnt call me on it. Instead she just
nodded and sat back down. A few minutes passed in silence while I fought to
regain control of my emotions.
Finally she spoke up, quietly, This is only our first session, Edward. I want you to
know that youre doing very well so far.

My eyes shot to hers and I stared at her in disbelief. I was doing well? I just nearly
had a fucking breakdown, and we had barely started. Was she fucking delusional?
Obviously seeing my skepticism, she continued, I mean it. Im sorry if you feel I
came on too strongly when I asked about your panic attacks, but you have to
understand that to be able to help you, I need to know where you stand. We have a
lot of work ahead of us, but I promise well go as slowly as you need.
Not trusting my voice to hold, I just nodded. A part of me wanted to run - leave
this office and never come back, but I knew deep down that wasnt an option. I
had promised myself I would do this, and I had known it wouldnt be easy. Id be
damned if I was going to give up after the first session.
She went on, I was thinking it might be a good idea for Bella to come along the
next time we see each other. How do you feel about that? Do you think youd be
more comfortable with her in the same room?
I nodded again, a bit more enthusiastic this time. Yeah, Id like that. The thought
of Bella coming to the next session with me filled me with relief.
Good, then its settled. She was quiet for a moment. Edward, you know Im
going to be in contact with Carlisle between our sessions. Of course, unless youll
give me your permission, I wont discuss anything we talk about in here with him.
Thatll be up to you to decide how much - if anything - you want to share with
him, or the rest of your family.
Right, I mumbled, having heard this before. However, I could feel a but
coming up. It turned out I was right.
But with Bella here, it will be different. She looked me right in the eyes.
Sometimes, Im going to bring up certain things we have talked about at previous
sessions. If Bellas going to be in here, she will get to hear it all, unless you ask me
directly to keep a particular part of information strictly between us. Is that okay
with you?
Sure. I shrugged, thinking I had nothing to hide from Bella.
The rest of the session passed without any further incidents, and I found myself
once again relaxing - if ever so slightly - in Dr. Webers presence. When I finally
left her office, I felt a lot calmer than I had when I had entered an hour ago. And
the next time Id come here, Bella would be with me.
It wasnt until I was back in the car that I remembered that I would first have to

survive the next three days without her. Because tomorrow, she would be leaving.

Chapter 71
BPOV
I was walking around my room like a robot, grabbing various items and throwing
them into my bag. When Charlie had asked me if I needed any help packing, I had
declined - much to his relief, Im sure. Not that I could blame him, seeing the
possibility of him accidentally picking up some of my black lace panties and
ending up scarred for life.
My eyes landed on my phone. I had dropped it on the bed, next to my bag, and
now I stared at the small object intently, willing it to ring. Of course, the damn
thing remained silent. A quick look at my watch told me Edward would still be at
his session, and he would probably not be able to call for a while. I sighed and
slumped down on the bed.
Edward had seemed relieved when I asked if I could come by later tonight,
agreeing instantly. I shook my head - as if I could possibly leave tomorrow and be
away from him for the next three days without seeing him one last time and say
goodbye in person? Not likely.
God, how I would miss him.
The rational part of me knew that three days really wasnt that long, and that I
would be back again soon. But still. A lot could happen in three days.
I knew I would worry about Edward constantly, wondering if he was okay. Maybe
I was being conceited, thinking he would suffer without me. His family were
going to be around - it wasnt like he would be left all alone. His relationship with
both Emmett and Alice had improved a lot lately, and I didnt doubt for a second
that Carlisle and Esme would be there for him in an instant, should he need them.
But what if he needed me?
I felt a lump in my throat, and it wouldnt go away. Edward had finally decided to
give therapy an honest try, because he wanted to let go of his tragic past and move
on. But it wouldnt be easy. Carlisle had warned me that things might get a lot
worse before they got better - those had been his exact words - and I believed him.

So how could I possibly leave him at a time like this, when he needed me the
most?
Deep down, I knew I didnt have a choice. I had to go back to Phoenix - I owed it
to my mothers memory, and to Phil. Maybe even to myself. But that didnt mean I
was happy about it.
The idea of once again entering the house that had been my home for seventeen
years, where I had seen my moms lifeless body on the floor, made me feel sick to
my stomach. Not to mention that I would have to visit her grave. The mere thought
made my eyes well up with tears.
I missed my mommy. So much.
She would have liked Edward, I knew she would. More than anything, I wished
she would have gotten a chance to meet him. It broke my heart to think about how
two of the most important people in my life would never get to see each other.
A soft knock on the door, followed by Charlie peeking his head inside a moment
later, snapped me out of my depressing thoughts. I took a deep breath and forced a
smile, quickly wiping my tears away so he wouldnt see me crying. The last thing
I wanted was to make him uncomfortable. Hey, Dad. To my relief, my voice
didnt crack.
Hey, Bells. He cleared his throat. All packed?
Yeah, Im done. I shrugged, unable to bring any real enthusiasm into my voice.
Charlie watched me for a moment, then stepped into the room and walked over to
me. I know you dont really want to do this, but maybe it wont be so bad. Youll
get a chance to spend some time with Phil, and, well... he hesitated a little,
...either way, itll only be for a few days. Youll be home again before you know
it.
I wondered who he was trying to convince the hardest - me, or himself. Sure,
Dad.
He looked as if he was about to say something more about the subject, then clearly
decided against it. So, I was thinking maybe when you get back, you could invite
Edward over for dinner or something. I feel like youre always hanging out at their
house, I dont want the Cullens to think were being unfriendly or impolite. A
somewhat embarrassed chuckle escaped him.

My eyes widened slightly at his suggestion, but I quickly recovered. Im sure

they dont think that.
Still... Charlie gave me a firm look. Just humor your old man, will you? If
youre going to be... his face turned red and he coughed, ...involved with the
boy, I have to insist on you bringing him over every once in a while. I want to
make sure he treats you right.
Oh God, here we go...
I sighed. Do we really have to continue this discussion? Itll just be awkward for
both of us.
Probably. And yes, we do.
Closing my eyes for a moment, I then shook my head in exasperation. Edwards
great, and hes treating me just fine. Youve got nothing to worry about. I paused.
Sure, Ill invite him over if thats what you want. But Im warning you-
Hey, I would never embarrass you, Charlie cut me off, sounding a little
offended.
I wasnt so sure about that, but decided to keep that thought to myself. I didnt
say you would. But you know Edwards not really comfortable around other
people. I just dont want him to feel-
Bella... he interrupted me again, sounding a little annoyed. Edward and Ive
been getting along just fine so far. Believe me - were both more than capable of
spending a couple of hours together at the dinner table.
I blushed, suddenly feeling stupid. I didnt mean it like that. Its just that
Edwards got a lot to deal with right now, and... I stopped myself, not sure how to
explain to him without revealing too much.
And so do you, I suppose. Charlie let out a sigh. We can talk more about this
later, when youre back. He was quiet for a moment. Look, Bella, I know Im far
from being the greatest dad out there. I havent always been there for you like I
should have, and Im probably not the funniest guy to be around. But-
Dad... I started to protest, but he wasnt finished.
Just listen to what I have to say, all right? I closed my mouth, waiting for him to

go on. Im not stupid - I realize no teenager in their right mind feels comfortable
opening up to their parents about sensitive matters. Believe it or not - I was young
myself once. But I want you to know that - as embarrassing as it may be, for both
of us - you can always come to me.
I wanted to ask who he was and what he had done to my real father, but somehow,
it didnt seem appropriate. Instead I nodded. I know, Dad. Thanks.
He nodded slowly, a thoughtful look on his face. For almost a minute, he stayed
silent, although I could tell there was something more on his mind. Finally, he
looked me right in the eyes. Bella, Ive been the Chief of Police in this town for
more than ten years, and I was an officer for almost as long before that.
Yeah? I looked at him in confusion, not sure where he was going with this.
Ill be honest with you. His voice was suddenly dead serious. I know more
about Edward and his past than you think, even though I admit theres a part of me
that wish I didnt. What Im trying to say is, Im not going to scare him off. I
wouldnt do that to either of you.
I just stared at him, my mouth hanging wide open in shock. Was he serious? My
dad knew about Edwards past? All of it? And he had known for all this time?
Before I got the chance to respond - not that I had any idea what to say - my phone
started ringing on the bed, causing both of us to jump.
My heart started beating faster as I quickly reached for it and immediately cast a
look at the display. I was unable to keep a relieved smile from spreading on my
face when I saw Edwards name. Glancing at Charlie, I knew he could tell who it
was by the way my entire face lit up.
Tell Edward I said hi, was his only comment before he left the room. As I
hurriedly brought my phone to my ear, eager to hear Edwards voice, I realized
Charlie and I had a lot to talk about when I got back from Phoenix.
OoO
About half an hour later, Edward and I were up in his room, sitting close together
on the bed. He had his arms around me and my head was resting on his shoulder.
We hadnt spoken much since I arrived, and to tell the truth, I sort of feared I
would start crying as soon as I opened my mouth.

I couldnt stay long - it was already past eight and I had to get up early the next
morning. Charlie was going to give me a ride to the airport, and even though I
would have loved for Edward to come along, I knew it would be even harder for
both of us to say goodbye if he had to watch me get on the stupid plane. It was
better to get it over with tonight, at home, where we would have some privacy.
Three days was nothing. At least thats what I kept telling myself. Still, I felt like I
wouldnt see him again for weeks.
There were so many things I wanted to say to him right now. I wanted to tell him
again and again how much I loved him, and how much I was going to miss him
over the next couple of days. I wanted to ask him more about his therapy session,
and I wanted to let him know how proud I was of him for going. I wanted to
assure him that both of us would be fine while we were apart, even though I had
my doubts.
But no words would come. Instead we just sat there, clinging to each other like our
lives depended on us never breaking contact.
Finally Edward pulled back a little, although he didnt let go of me. Of course, if
he had, I probably would have simply jumped right back into his arms. Are you
gonna be okay tomorrow? he asked quietly, gently running his knuckles down my
cheek.
I closed my eyes, willing the tears to stay away, and nodded. The last thing I
wanted was for him to worry about me while I was away - he deserved a break.
Hopefully, there would be no incidents and things would run smoothly here in
Forks. I prayed Edward wouldnt have another panic attack before I got back,
unable to stand the thought of him suffering without me there to help him through
it.
You know you can call me at any time, right? I tried to smile, but I knew it
didnt reach my eyes.
He nodded. Same goes for you. There was a pause, and when he spoke up again,
his voice was trembling, Just promise youll come back.
The tears I had been trying so hard to hold back spilled over. Of course I will,
baby. You know that. He didnt respond, just kept looking deeply into my eyes, as
if searching for the truth there. I told myself not to feel hurt by his obvious doubt,
knowing it wasnt really about him not trusting me. He was just afraid - like me and in desperate need of assurance. I could hardly blame him.

Youre my life now, he finally whispered, and his lips crashed against mine. I let
out a soft moan as my arms went around his neck, and I kissed him back with all
the love and passion I could muster. Our bodies seemed to be melting together as
one, and I could feel Edwards heart beating inside his chest. Although in that
moment, his stiff posture changed and he suddenly felt perfectly relaxed against
me.
I was the one who couldnt stop shaking.
Kissing Edward was something I would never get tired of. Every time our lips
met, it was like the first time all over again, and my body got all tingly with
excitement. I couldnt even begin to describe the emotions swimming inside me,
and before I met him, I never would have thought myself capable of feeling like
this. It was amazing, and at the same time, it was frightening beyond words.
When I was with Edward, my life was complete. And without him...
It hurt just thinking about it.
Sometimes, I couldnt help but wonder if the day would come when Edward and I
would be able to take our relationship to the next level. Would he ever be ready for
that? And if so, would I be good enough for him? Could I make him see that sex
didnt necessarily have to be painful, brutal and ruthless? That it could actually be
a good thing?
With the right person, it could be wonderful. There was no doubt in my mind. And
I could only hope that Edward one day would come to the same conclusion. I
wanted to be the first - and only - girl he would ever make love to. And more than
anything, I wished Edward could be my first as well.
Unfortunately, it wasnt possible to go back in time and change the past. I would if
I could, but I had made my decision once - the fact that I had barely been in my
right mind at the time was no excuse - and I would just have to live with it. Sure,
technically, I was still a virgin, and compared to most girls my age, I had next to
no experience when it came to that sort of thing. But still, there was that one
time...
I could fool myself and pretend it never happened, but the truth was, it had. I had
made a mistake, but I did so willingly, and I couldnt go back and change it.
In that moment, I decided that as soon as I got back from Phoenix, I was going to
tell Edward everything about me and Jacob. I shouldve said something sooner,
but the coward in me had desperately tried to avoid the subject for as long as I

could. He probably wouldnt understand, and it didnt take a genius to figure out
that he wasnt going to like it, but I knew I had to be honest with him.
Edward had told me about his past. It was time for me to do the same.
Stubbornly pushing all disturbing thoughts to the back of my mind, I forced
myself to pull back a little and put an end to our make-out session. Tracing soft
patterns on Edwards chest, I planted a final feather-light kiss at the corner of his
mouth. As much as I wanted to just keep kissing him forever, I knew we needed to
stop before things got out of hand.
My fingers ached to touch him, and I knew it was just a matter of time before I
wouldnt be able to stop myself from letting my hand slip under his shirt, which
would most likely freak him out. We had to take things real slow - like one babystep at a time - and this was hardly the right time for testing our limits.
The look he gave me when I pulled away was sad, yet accepting, and it all but
broke my heart. The minutes ticked by way too quickly, and I felt myself starting
to panic. Our time was running out.
Bella, I... Edward started, only to stop when our eyes met. I waited for him to
continue, but he remained silent, watching me with an unreadable expression.
While I got the feeling he had been about to tell me something important, I knew
better than to push him. Finally he sighed. Will you come to my next therapy
session?
Yes, I answered instantly, not even bothering to ask when it was. He looked
relieved, but I couldnt help but feel like that was not what he had originally
planned to say. For a moment, I wondered if he was keeping something from me,
but then quickly dismissed the idea. Even if he was, it didnt seem right to
question him about it now. Edward would talk to me when he was ready. He
usually did.
Casting a reluctant look at my watch, I let out a miserable sigh. I should probably
get going, I mumbled, but couldnt bring myself to get up from the bed.
Edward grabbed hold of my hand almost desperately, and I swallowed hard as he
pressed his lips to my palm. He opened his mouth, then closed it again, and I knew
he was struggling against the urge to object, to beg me to stay. We both knew I
couldnt. Hurry back to me, he finally whispered, a pleading note in his voice,
an I failed to hold back a choked sob.
I dont want to leave you, baby, you know that, right? I managed to get out, and

a tear trickled down my cheek. I love you, Edward. I love you so much.
I watched him take a shaky breath as he pulled me gently back into his arms and
rested his forehead against mine. I know, he murmured, and I felt him trembling
against me, although I knew he was trying to hold himself together. I squeezed
him hard. I love you, too, Bella. Itll be okay.
Yeah, I agreed, trying to sound convincing, although I suspected I was failing
miserably. Ill call you before I get on the plane, okay? He nodded, reaching out
a shaky hand towards my face and carefully wiped away my tears.
We just looked at each other for what seemed like an eternity, and at the same
time, the moment was over all too soon. Although my entire body was screaming
in protest, I found myself letting go of him and rise from the bed. As in slowmotion, my body carried me across the room, away from Edward and towards the
door.
I kept my eyes straight ahead, knowing that if I looked back, even for a second, I
would fall apart.

Chapter 72
EPOV
When I got downstairs the next morning, I was in a really bad mood. I had been
tossing and turning in bed for most of the night, unable to find a comfortable
position, and when I finally did manage to drift off, my sleep had been plagued by
nightmares.
Morning! Alice chirped as I nearly ran into her in the kitchen, although her
smile instantly faded when she noticed my grim expression. Not a good
morning? I merely grunted in response, heading straight for the coffee that was
thankfully already brewing.
I could feel her eyes on me as I grabbed an empty cup from the dish rack. What?
I demanded, glaring at her. She just shook her head and quickly averted her eyes,
and I immediately felt like an ass. Sorry, I mumbled, thinking I should have just
stayed up in my room. At least then no one else would have to suffer because I
was having a crappy morning.

And I was fully convinced the rest of my weekend wouldnt turn out any better.
What I wouldnt give to just go to sleep - preferably without the fucking dreams and then wake up again in three days..
Accepting my apology with small smile and a wave of dismissal, Alice then turned
her attention to her breakfast, clearly sensing that I was in no mood for making
conversation. And I was left to keep wallowing in self-pity.
Emmett entered the kitchen a couple of minutes later. He cast one look at me, and
then wisely stepped past me without a word. Instead he walked over to the fridge
and threw the door open expectantly, only to let out a loud sigh in the next
moment. Theres absolutely nothing to eat, he complained, slammed the door
shut again and slumped down next to Alice.
She looked up. Theres cereal. A pause. But I took the last of the milk. Sorry.
He rolled his eyes. Great, thanks, Alice. Ill just starve to death then. She didnt
bother to respond as she shoved another spoonful of soggy cereal into her mouth. I
remained by the kitchen counter, ignoring both of them. Esme chose that moment
to enter the room.
Oh, youre all up. Good morning. She smiled.
Hi, Mom. Alice put her now empty bowl down.
Did you know theres no food in the house? Emmett wanted to know.
Esme laughed, goodheartedly. Yes, honey, and Im going grocery shopping later.
I think theres some fruit left, though. Have an apple or something.
He grimaced. Thats not food. Im a growing man - I need me some protein!
Then go to the fucking store yourself and stop whining! I exploded, having had
enough. The room fell dead silent, and I found three pair of large eyes staring at
me.
Emmett was the first to recover from my outburst, his eyes narrowing. What
crawled up your ass and died this morning? Hell, I guess Bella picked the right
time to leave, since youre obviously back to acting like a fucking douche bag. I
was vaguely aware of someone - probably Alice - letting out a soft gasp.
The anger that had been slowly building up inside me since the moment I stepped
out of bed reached the point when I could no longer keep it under control, and I

didnt even think as I hurled my half full cup of coffee into the wall with a roar. I
stormed out of the kitchen, however, it only took a couple of seconds before I
heard the sound of running footsteps behind me, and Emmett calling out my name.
Hey, wait up! I didnt mean that. He sounded genuinely remorseful, and I came
to a halt, although I didnt turn around. I could hear him stop a few feet away, and
when he spoke up again, the shame was evident in his voice, Really, Im a jerk
when Im hungry. Im sorry.
The burning rage I had felt only a moment ago was already fading. Deep down, I
knew I had it coming. My mood was clearly affecting those around me, and I was
a fucking mess. Another sign that I should just lock myself up in my room and
avoid any contact with other people, until...
I wasnt a complete idiot - I knew Bellas absence was the reason I was going all
haywire. She had called me before she got on the plane - just like she promised sounding just as miserable and lonely as I felt, and the sadness in her voice when
she told me she already missed me cut me like a knife in the heart.
Whatever, just forget it, I muttered now in response to Emmetts apology,
lacking both the will and energy to keep arguing. After all, we had actually been
getting along pretty well lately, and I didnt want things to go back to the way they
were before, with the two of us unable to be in the same room without lashing out
at each other.
Besides, as mortified as I had been when he had learned the truth about my past
less than a week ago, Emmett had been more than cool about the whole thing so
far, and I really didnt want to give him any reason to throw it back in my face. I
realized I should probably apologize to him as well, but for some reason, I just
couldnt bring myself to say the words.
Which, I figured, only proved him right when he called me a douche bag.
Shell be back, you know, he now told me quietly, obviously in an attempt of
making me feel better, which unfortunately had the exact opposite effect on me.
I know, I grumbled, not wanting to have this conversation with him.
In that moment, Alice peeked into the room, looking from me to Emmett with a
somewhat wary expression on her face. Dont mind me, I just wanted to make
sure you guys havent killed each other. As much as it pains me to admit it, I think
Id actually miss you if you were gone.

Emmett snorted. No, were good. Then he hesitated a little, throwing an

uncertain look at me. Right? Still a little annoyed, I suppressed the urge to roll
my eyes and nodded, not missing the relieved look on his face.
Alice smiled, clearly pleased. Great! Im sure Mom will be happy to hear you
two havent turned the living room into a war zone.
Is she mad? Emmett looked a little worried. Tell her Im sorry for being an
ass.
As Alice turned to look at me expectantly, I nodded in agreement. Yeah, tell
Esme Im sorry Emmetts an ass. He scowled at me, causing Alice to giggle. I
grimaced. Second thought, might as well tell her myself. Got a mess to clean up.
I started towards the kitchen, but Alices voice stopped me in my tracks. Already
taken care of. You can thank me later.
Spinning around, I stared at her in disbelief. Youre fucking kidding, right? She
just shook her head, and I groaned. Dammit, Alice, whyd you have to do that?
Its not your fucking job to clean up after me.
She shrugged. Seriously, its no big deal. But if youre gonna bitch about it, Im
sure I can find a way for you to make it up to me. In fact, my room is in a
desperate need of cleaning... She smirked at me.
I rolled my eyes, but noted that my mood seemed to have improved, if only
slightly. So I let out a sigh, deciding to at least try to pull myself together, or it
would be three fucking long days, for all of us. Thanks, Alice. But you really
shouldnt have. She just shrugged again, mumbling a whatever.
I made it past noon without any more incidents, although by then, I was ready to
start climbing the fucking walls. I even went as far as to trying to work on my
English paper that was due when school started again after spring break, but after
staring at the empty page for nearly half an hour, I gave up.
Suddenly there was a loud bang on the door, followed by Emmett barging into the
room a moment later, and while I would never admit it out loud, a part of me was
actually grateful for the distraction. Hey, wanna play video games or something?
Im bored.
I was unable to hide my confusion, seeing how this had to be the first time he had
ever suggested wed do something together. When I just looked at him blankly, he
let out a frustrated sigh. Oh, come on, have mercy on me! I cant bug Alice, since

shes locked herself up in her room with Jasper, and I dont wanna think about
what theyre doing in there.
So, what? You decided to come bug me instead? I couldnt for the life of me
understand why, but deep down, it actually stung a little to realize I was obviously
his last choice. Of course, the rational part of me knew I couldnt exactly blame
him. There was absolutely no logical reason why he should want to hang out with
me, unless he was really desperate and with no other option.
Now he watched me closely with a somewhat uncertain look on his face, as he
clearly couldnt figure out whether or not his presence was really bothering me.
Ill leave you alone if you want, he finally offered, a hint of defeat in his voice
as he took a step back.
I surprised myself by shaking my head. No, its okay.
He looked skeptical at first, then his expression turned hopeful. Wanna play,
then?
Hesitating a little, I then figured it couldnt be worse than sulking alone in my
room. Yeah, all right.
Cool. He grinned. Just dont get too pissed off when I kick your ass! My eyes
narrowed, but I followed him to his room without a word.
Ten minutes later, Emmett let out an annoyed growl when I managed to beat him
for the third time in a row. The stupid thing must be broken, he muttered,
banging his remote against the table. I rolled my eyes, pretty sure there was
nothing wrong with the remote. At first I almost thought he was deliberately
letting me win to placate me, but it didnt take long for me to realize that he
simply sucked.
He gave me a suspicious look. I thought you said youd never played this game
before.
I shrugged. I havent. The doubtful look on his face told me that he didnt
believe me, but I hadnt been lying. Unlike him, I wasnt all that into video games.
Then again, I had to admit it was kind of fun to watch his annoyed expression
when I beat his sorry ass every single time.
Yeah, I was actually enjoying myself. Who wouldve thought?
For the next couple of minutes, we kept playing in silence. Finally Emmett spoke

up, quietly, I, um, talked to Rose before. I glanced at him, but remained silent,
waiting for him to continue. It took almost a minute. She asked if she could come
over tonight.
Merely grunting in acknowledgment, I turned my attention back to the TV screen.
As I felt his eyes on me, it occurred to me that he was probably waiting for some
kind of verbal response from me. I just didnt know what he expected me to say.
He sighed. Would you mind if she did?
I turned to stare at him in surprise, nearly dropping the remote. Why do you
ask?
Clearly a little uncomfortable, he shrugged and looked away. Told her Id get
back to her. I wanted to check with you first. Dont want things to get... he
hesitated a little, ...awkward.
I gave him a look of disbelief. Let me see if I got this straight. Youre asking me
for permission to bring your girlfriend over? Still not looking at me, Emmett
mumbled something that sounded like shes not my girlfriend. When he didnt
elaborate, I raised a brow. So you say. But we wouldnt even be having this
fucking conversation now if you didnt still care about her, would we?
He cast a somewhat startled look in my direction. Of course I do. But-
So just cut the bullshit then, I cut him off, the words coming out a bit more harsh
than I had intended. I never asked you to stop seeing her in the first place. If you
want to be with her, dont let me stand in your fucking way.
You dont get it, do you? He sounded frustrated. Its a matter of principle, all
right? Im trying to do the right thing and be respectful here.
I frowned, more than a little taken aback by his admission. Oh, um, okay... I
paused, then forced myself to add a thanks. He simply shrugged, like it was no
big deal. It just didnt make any sense to me. Emmett sure as hell didnt owe me
anything. And as for being respectful, I had never been any of the kind to him.
The thought of him acting all different and... fucking decent all of a sudden simply
out of pity made my stomach lurch. But to be honest, it didnt quite add up.
Because things had started to change between us even before Emmett figured it all
out. I remembered how he had given me pointers on how to impress Bella, even
going as far as to give me a ride to the fucking grocery store.

Family comes first, he had told me after Bella revealed I was part of the reason
why he had ended things with Rosalie. I had just shrugged his words off at the
time, convinced it was just a fat load of crap.
But maybe it wasnt.
I cleared my throat. Look, its not that I dont appreciate you asking, but I dont
have a problem with Rosalie coming over. Really. Hell, I was the one saying you
should talk to her, remember? I told you she apologized. Its cool. I realized I
meant it.
Yeah? Thanks. He sounded so relieved, and it was my turn to awkwardly wave
him off. It occurred to me that we still barely knew how to act around each other
these days. But maybe we were slowly starting to learn. I decided I could live with
that. In fact, while I had never thought the day would come when I would
voluntarily hang out with Emmett, I had to admit he wasnt so bad after all.
After a moment of silence, he spoke up again, eyes back on the screen, You
know, if you ever want to... I dont know, talk or something... he left the rest of
the sentence hanging, although it didnt take a genius to figure out what he was
referring to. It hit me that he was being sincere, and I didnt know how I felt about
it.
Aside from telling me that day that I had nothing to be ashamed of, he hadnt
actually brought up my past again, and for that I had been grateful. But I supposed
it was just a matter of time before we would have to address the subject, no matter
how badly I just wanted to forget about it.
To tell the truth, I was kind of proud of myself for not just telling him to fuck off.
Because that had been my instinctive reaction. Instead I just shook my head.
Dont.
Okay, he responded immediately, and I let out a breath of relief. A beat. Just,
you know... he shrugged, glancing at me, and our eyes met.
Yeah, whatever. I quickly looked away. Thanks.
As if making a silent agreement, we went back to the game. For the next twenty
minutes or so, Emmetts muttered profanities as I once again kicked his ass were
the only words uttered.
Suddenly a voice spoke up from the doorway, causing me to jump. Whos
winning? Jasper was leaning casually against the doorframe, curiously peeking

into the room.

Completely engrossed in the battle, Emmett appeared to be startled as well,
although he quickly recovered. Hey, man, whats up? I held back a snort, not
missing how he ignored Jaspers question.
If Jasper was surprised to see me in Emmetts room, he didnt let it show. Alice
kicked me out, he explained as he stepped inside. Thought Id just hang out in
here until its safe to go back.
My head shot up at his words, and I glared at him. What the fuck did you do?
What? He turned to me in alarm, clearly taken aback by the accusing note in my
voice. Then he let out a chuckle as realization seemed to hit him. Oh, nothing.
She just demanded that Id leave the room while shes trying out which outfit to
wear tonight. Im taking her out for dinner.
Oh. I felt a little stupid. Emmett gave me an odd look, and I knew it wasnt like
me to act so protective. But the thought of anyone upsetting Alice just made me
see red. It was a startling - but not completely shocking - discovery.
After a few seconds of awkward silence, Jasper then slumped down in a huge bean
bag chair and started teasing Emmett about his lousy score, resulting in Emmett
tossing his remote at Jasper and calling him a bitch. I started to feel out of place,
and got up.
Hey, where are you going? Emmett sobered up, giving me a look of confusion.
I demand a rematch! Jasper laughed and insisted it wouldnt make much of a
difference, stating that he should just admit defeat and take it like a man.
I shrugged. Another time, all right? He looked as if he was going to object, but
then seemed to decide against it and nodded. Jasper looked a little guilty, and I
figured he realized I was leaving because of him. It made me feel a bit bad, seeing
how it wasnt his fault I had social issues. So I offered him a small wave and
mumbled a see you later. He looked surprised, but nodded in agreement.
Later that night, I was pacing my room and wondering if enough time had passed
so I could call Bella without coming out as too clingy. As much as I hated to admit
it, Carlisles words about me becoming too dependent on her was still haunting
me, and regardless of Bella firmly telling me otherwise, deep down, there was a
part of me that still feared she would eventually get fed up with me.
It wasnt that I didnt trust her - I just couldnt fully believe that I would be enough

for her in the long run. And I suspected the doubt would always be there, at least
on some level. Maybe I could mention it to Dr. Weber some time, and see what she
had to say about it. At least then we didnt have to focus on my past.
My phone rang a moment later, interrupting my thoughts, and a grin spread on my
face at the sight of Bellas name on the display. I had been longing to talk to her all
day.
But my relief didnt last long. As soon as I heard her voice, I knew something was
terribly wrong.
Bella was crying.

Chapter 73
BPOV
Phil had promised to meet me at the airport when my plane had landed, and it
didnt take long before I spotted him in the crowd. I had to admit it was good to
see him, and I threw myself into his arms, hugging him tightly. He smiled at me as
I finally pulled out of his embrace. Im glad youre here, kiddo. Welcome home.
I almost corrected him, stating that my home was now in Forks, but I stopped
myself at the last second, not wanting to make him feel bad. Ive missed you,
Phil. How are you?
Im fine, thanks. He cleared his throat. Okay, so my cars waiting. Are you
hungry? If you want, we could stop by someplace to eat.
I nodded, grateful we didnt have to go back to the house just yet. Now I could
have some more time to mentally prepare myself. Sounds great.
He insisted on carrying my bag - which really wasnt that heavy - and led the way
to the car. We ended up at a small pizza place, not that far away from the airport,
and as soon as I took in the delicious smell of Mozzarella cheese and tomato
sauce, I realized I was starving. Phil told me to order whatever I wanted.
We were making small talk while waiting for our food to arrive, and I watched
him closely as I sipped on my ice-water and nibbled on a bread stick. Phil looked
pretty much the same as he had when I last saw him, and at the same time, he

seemed different. I just couldnt put my finger on what it was.

He seemed to have lost a little weight, or maybe that was just my mind playing
tricks on me - I couldnt be sure. To tell the truth, I had expected him to be
devastated, ridden with grief, but he seemed to be holding himself together pretty
well. If anything, he looked calm, relaxed. Almost happy. A part of me was
relieved, the other part found it disturbing.
Halfway through our pizzas, we seemed to be out of topics to talk about. As we
finished eating in silence, I was starting to feel somewhat uncomfortable.
Oh, I almost forgot. Phil put his fork down and reached for a napkin. I saw
some of your old friends the other day. Rachel Black, and her brother... what was
his name again?
I closed my eyes for a moment. Jacob.
Right, Jacob. He nodded, eying me thoughtfully. The two of you seemed to be
pretty close there for a while.
I wouldnt say that, I lied, thinking that if he had known just how close we had
really been, he wouldnt bring Jacobs name up so casually.
Oh. My mistake, then. I guess it was probably just as well, though. Seeing my
confusion, Phil gave me an apologetic look. I just meant with you moving away
and all. No matter what people say, long distance relationships rarely work out in
the long run. He shrugged. Its hard to be away from someone you love.
Tell me about it, I mumbled, my thoughts immediately going to Edward. I
wondered what he was doing right now. Was he okay? Did he miss me just as
much as I missed him? I contemplated giving him a call, but decided to wait until
later, when I was alone.
Phil changed the subject - much to my relief - and asked if I was ready to leave. As
much as I wanted to say no, I found myself nodding in agreement.
Twenty minutes later, I stepped out of the car, unable to take my eyes away from
the house in front of me. It looked exactly like I remembered it, and yet, I had a
hard time grasping that this was the same house where I had taken my first wobbly
steps as a kid, where I had lost my first baby tooth. Where I had tried to learn how
to walk in high heels, and ended up falling down and breaking my ankle.
Where I had seen my moms limp and lifeless body on the floor.

I suddenly felt like I was going to be sick.

Are you okay, Bella? Phil asked quietly, and I slowly turned my head to look at
him. He was all blurry, and it took a moment until I realized tears had started
welling up in my eyes. I quickly blinked them away, and nodded. It was obvious
that he didnt believe me, as he gave me a sympathetic look. Why dont we go
inside? I nodded again, reluctantly following him towards the front door.
He glanced at me as he unlocked the door. Your old room is just the way you left
it - I havent touched a thing. I figured youd be most comfortable in there. When
I didnt respond, his expression turned uncertain. Unless youd prefer to stay in
the guest room. Thats okay, too, I dont mind sleeping on the couch for a couple
of nights. He entered the house, holding the door open for me.
I took a deep breath, and stepped inside as well. That was when his words
registered, and I turned to him with a frown. Youve been sleeping in the guest
room?
His eyes darkened for a moment. Yeah. It seemed more practical that way. The
beds smaller, and I dont really need all that space. Seeing the skeptical look on
my face, he let out a sigh. Plus, I havent been able to sleep in the bedroom since
Rene... he left the rest of the sentence hanging.
Feeling the beginning of a headache coming up, I automatically reached into the
pocket of my jacket, only to come up empty. I started to panic, but then
remembered I had put my pills in the bag. It had been so long since I last needed
them, and at some point, I had just stopped carrying them around in my pocket all
the time.
Now I practically ripped the bag out of Phils hand, as he had yet to put it down.
He watched me with wide eyes as I desperately rummaged through the contents of
the bag, almost sobbing in relief when I found the small bottle and popped two of
the little white pills into my mouth without any water. By now, my head was
pounding, and I slid down on the floor with a small whimper.
Are you still taking those? He sounded more than a little concerned. Bella, are
you all right? Do you need to lie down?
I shook my head, knowing the effect of the painkillers would kick in any minute.
Phil knew that as well, seeing how he had witnessed my episodes before, but I
suspected they still made him nervous, and I couldnt really blame him. I let out a
weak groan, willing the pain to go away. After what seemed like hours, but

probably wasnt more than a couple of minutes, it finally eased a little.

I was hoping you wouldve stopped getting those headaches by now, Phil said in
an unsteady voice, and I couldnt help but feel embarrassed now when the attack
had passed.
It doesnt happen very often now, I mumbled, wiping my eyes. This is the first
time Ive had one in weeks.
Thats good to hear, but still... Seeing me struggle to get up, he reached out a
hand to help me get off the floor. I know you had a full medical exam back when
it all started, but maybe you should go see a doctor in Forks, get a second opinion.
Just to be on the safe side.
Thats really not necessary. I cringed at the thought of going through any more
tests. Like I said, it rarely happens anymore. Im fine.
He looked as if he was about to object, but then obviously decided to let the matter
drop. All right. Have you decided where you want to sleep tonight? Do you want
to unpack right away, or...? He hesitated a little. I was thinking when you feel up
to it, we could go through the boxes up in the attic, and you can decide what you
want to keep.
I swallowed, hard. You put all of Moms stuff in the attic? What are you gonna do
with it? Throw it all away?
Phil sighed. Bella, as far as Im concerned, most of the things in this house
belonged to your mother, one way or the other. I havent gotten rid of anything yet.
But like Ive already told you, Im selling the house, and I cant possibly keep it
all. Im sorry. This is just as painful for me as it is for you, believe me.
Deep down, I knew he was right, but that didnt mean I had to like it. What about
the furniture?
Ill take as much as I can, but theres not nearly as much space in my new
apartment as in this house, Phil explained with a regretful note in his voice. Of
course, you can have whatever you want.
I gave him a hard look. I just want my mom back.
His face fell. I know that, Bella. So do I. But I cant-
I dont want to hear it, I cut him off. Look, Phil, Im sorry, but I cant do this

right now. I need some fresh air, okay? Ill be fine, Im just gonna go for a walk or
something. Ill be back in a while. Before he got a chance to say anything, I spun
around and all but ran out the door, suddenly desperate to get away.
It was all becoming too much, and I needed some space, a chance to clear my
head. Things couldnt possibly have started any worse, and I could only hope Phil
would understand. I didnt want to upset him, but I couldnt help myself. Being
back here made me feel like I was just a little girl again, a little girl who
desperately missed her mother.
The thought of spending the next two nights here in the same house where my
mom had died was almost unbearable, but I knew I didnt have any choice. I was
angry at myself for not being able to handle things better, and decided I just
needed some time alone to pull myself together. Then I would go back, apologize
to Phil for taking off like this, and do what I came here to do in the first place.
Say goodbye.
I just wandered around aimlessly for almost an hour, and while I was more than
familiar with the area, I still felt like a stranger. I didnt belong here in Phoenix,
and I hoped I wouldnt run into anyone I knew. Then again, I doubted the few so
called friends I used to have here would even bother to approach me if they
spotted me now - it wasnt like we had stayed in touch after I left.
To tell the truth, I wouldnt be surprised if they had forgotten all about me. And I
honestly couldnt say I had missed them. They were just names to me now. I had
my real friends back in Forks.
Well, one friend, anyway. Two if you counted Edward, but seeing how the way I
felt about him went so far beyond a simple friendship, it seemed almost offensive
now to put him in that category. That left Alice.
I really was a loner.
After a while, I started to head back, and realized it was already past four-thirty. I
was just a few blocks away from the house when I decided to call Edward. Even
though I had talked to him this morning, I still missed him like crazy, and I
couldnt wait to hear his voice.
Unfortunately, I never got the chance.
Bella? Youre really here!

I froze dead in my tracks at the familiar voice, coming from behind me, and
slowly turned around, praying against hope that I had been mistaken. Of course, I
wasnt that lucky. Anger started welling up inside me when I found myself staring
into the eyes of the one person I had hoped never to see again. Jacob? What the
hell are you doing here?
He let out a nervous chuckle. Come on, havent you missed me even a little bit?
Was he for real?
I closed my eyes, silently counting to five. Then I glared at him. Give me one
good reason why I shouldve missed you. He opened his mouth, but I cut him off,
Second thought, dont bother. Just go away.
He actually had the nerve to look hurt. But Ive been driving around the
neighborhood all day, waiting for you to show up.
Excuse me? I gave him an incredulous look. Are you serious? You knew Id be
here?
Well, yeah. He gave me a sheepish grin. I ran into Phil the other day, and he
told me you were coming to visit. I knew then I just had to see you.
And to think that smile had once made my knees go weak. Now I just wanted to
smack him. Jake, Im only going to say this once, because Im really not in a
mood. Leave me alone.
His smile disappeared. Look, I know we didnt exactly part on the best of terms,
but I was hoping-
Stop it right there! I demanded, fuming now. Are you delusional? Have you
forgotten what happened? In that case, Ill be happy to remind you. You used me,
Jake. You took advantage of me when I needed you the most, just so you could get
what you wanted, and then when I couldnt go through with it, you dumped me
like yesterdays garbage!
He had the decency to look ashamed. I know I acted like a jerk, all right? Just
give me a chance to explain.
I snorted. Im not interested in your lame excuses. You mean nothing to me, and I
dont care what you have to say. I cant believe you actually thought Id be happy
to see you again. Now if youll excuse me, I have someplace to be. I dont have
time for this.

I dont blame you for being upset with me. Ignoring my warning look, Jacob
stepped in front of me, preventing me from walking away. Just hear me out,
Bella, thats all I ask. If you still wanna leave when Im done, I wont stop you.
I shook my head, glaring daggers at him. No, Im going to leave right now, and
you wont stop me. Dont you dare act like I owe you something, Jake, because I
dont. You have a lot of nerve coming here, making demands. Obviously you
havent changed a bit. The least you could do is ask how I am, but all you care
about is yourself, as usual.
He sighed, then nodded in agreement. Youre right, let me start over. Hi, Bella,
its good to see you. Ive missed you. How are you?
I rolled my eyes, crossing my arms over my chest. Never been better. Ive met a
guy who actually cares about me, and I couldnt be happier. Now get out of my
way, or I swear to God-
Hey, I care about you, he cut me off. Then his eyes narrowed suspiciously as his
brain seemed to register the rest of my words. What guy? Whats his name?
Thats none of your business. I scowled at him. I could make a list of all the
reasons why, but Im not going to bother. I mean it, Jake. Let it go.
Fine. He huffed. If youll calm down for two seconds and listen to me.
I let out an annoyed groan. Seriously, why are you so damn persistent about this?
Its not like anything you say is going to make a difference. What do you want?
As soon as the words had left my mouth, I realized I had just given him the
opening he so clearly wanted, but I suddenly didnt care anymore. It would be
easier to just humor him, seeing how that seemed to be the only way to get rid of
him.
I just want you to forgive me. He gave me a disarming smile, and I nearly stuck
my tongue out at him, only to stop myself at the last second, deciding I was more
mature than that. Seeing that I wasnt the least bit impressed, his smile faded.
Really, Bella, Im sorry about the way I handled things. But you have to admit,
you didnt exactly make it easy for me.
My jaw dropped at his words. What the hell is that supposed to mean?
I really loved you, Bella. He shook his head, sadly. But it wasnt enough for
you. Things were great at first, and then suddenly you just changed and turned all

cold on me. You refused to do anything, barely even allowed me to touch you
anymore. Im not proud to say this, but I was getting bored, okay? Im a guy. Guys
have needs, you know?
I just stared at him for a moment, too stunned to speak. Then I snapped out of it,
my voice dripping with sarcasm, Oh, Im so sorry I was too busy mourning the
loss of my mother to be able to fulfill your needs!
Hey, I tried to be supportive, he protested, my anger causing him to
involuntarily take a step back. I tried to make you happy, but nothing I did was
good enough. I just wanted my girlfriend back.
Come on, Bella, just say yes. Ill make you feel so good.
I bit my lip, hesitating. I dont know, Jake. Im not sure Im ready for this.
Looking me deep in the eyes, he ran his fingers tenderly down my cheek, and I
didnt object as he gently pulled me down with him on the bed, tracing my collar
bone with his tongue. But youll love this, I promise. Please, Bella, let me do this
for you. Ill make you forget everything else.
How I just wanted to forget, even if it was just for a moment. Somewhere at the
back of my mind, a little voice warned me I was doing this for the wrong reasons,
but all of a sudden, I had lost the will to care. I just wanted to feel something other
than grief and pain.
So I nodded, slipping my arms around his neck, and I felt a shiver of pleasure as
his hand slid inside my pants. Yes. Please, Jake, make me forget.
I had gone so far as to allow Jake to remove my pants, only to panic at the last
minute, pushing him away and yelling at him to stop. He had immediately obeyed,
pulling back without hesitation and had even seemed genuinely concerned about
me, but he didnt bother to hide his disappointment when I told him I wasnt ready
to sleep with him.
After that day, things just hadnt been the same between us, and less than a week
later - when he finally seemed to realize I was serious - he told me bluntly that we
might as well start seeing other people. Although I was both hurt and humiliated, I
wholeheartedly agreed. I wasnt going to waste another minute on Jacob Black.
And now he was here, having the nerve to ask me to forgive him. I looked him
straight in the eyes. You didnt care about my feelings. You just wanted me to be
happy so I could make you happy, and thats not how a relationship should work.

If you really loved me, you shouldve accepted all of me. But you couldnt, and
now youll just have to deal with it. Dont ask for my forgiveness again.
His eyes darkened, and for a moment, I was convinced he was going to yell at me.
But when he finally spoke up, there was nothing but sadness in his voice. Sure,
sure. I understand. I wont bother you again. I eyed him suspiciously as he
reached out a tentative hand towards my face. Goodbye, Bella.
At first I was too shocked to even realize what was happening when he leaned in
to brush his lips against mine, but the moment I felt his breath on my face, I
snapped out of the stupor and jumped back, staring at him incredulously. What
the hell do you think youre doing?!
He actually looked surprised at my reaction. I was just-
That was how far he got before I punched him in the face.

Chapter 74
BPOV
The moment after my fist connected with Jakes jaw, sharp pain shot through my
hand, and I bit back a cry. It took about thirty seconds before I managed an attempt
of flexing my fingers, relieved to find I still seemed to have full mobility - it
would be just my luck to break something.
However, the look on his face was well worth it. He was staring at me in shock,
his hand rubbing the spot where I had punched him, and while I had a feeling I
was actually in more pain than he was right now, it was obvious he hadnt seen
this coming. You hit me, he stated stupidly, his voice thick with disbelief.
I wont hesitate to do it again, I warned him, nursing my throbbing hand against
my chest, which - unfortunately - didnt get by him.
Are you okay? he asked quietly, nodding at my hand. I glared at him, his
concern doing nothing to pacify me.
How dare he?!
You tried to kiss me! I cried out in fury. After everything youve done, and

more importantly - after I told you Im seeing someone! What the hell were you
thinking?!
He actually had the decency to look embarrassed. Well, I wasnt, obviously, he
mumbled, shifting awkwardly from one foot to the other.
No kidding? I shook my head, angrily. Youre unbelievable, you know that?
What did you expect - that I would drop at your feet in gratitude and ask you to
take me back?
No. He grimaced, all traces of his usual arrogance gone. I thought... I dont
know. I guess I shouldnt have done that. Im sorry.
Damn right, you shouldnt have, I muttered, ignoring his apology completely.
Tears were burning in my eyes - I was absolutely livid. Once again, Jacob had
stepped all over me without even considering the fact that I might not approve of
his actions, without giving my feelings a second thought. But then again, I
shouldnt really be surprised - it had always been about him.
Him, and his stupid needs. Ugh!
It wont happen again, he assured me now, his words just fueling my anger. As if
I would even give him the chance to pull a stunt like that again!
He was a selfish bastard, and I wanted to tell him as much; I wanted to yell and
rant, but much to my horror, the only sound that escaped my throat was a choked
sob. I just wanted to crawl into Edwards arms and stay there for the rest of my
life, but Edward was 1500 miles away, quite possibly every bit as miserable as I
was.
Why did I have to come here? I just wanted to go home.
Bella? Jacob sounded worried now, and I hated that I couldnt stop the tears
from spilling down my face. Hey, Im really sorry, okay? I didnt mean to make
you cry.
I let out a bitter laugh, brushing away the moisture from my cheeks. I hate to
break it to you, Jake, but not everything is about you. You couldnt possibly
understand, and to be honest, I dont give a damn. Im leaving now, and dont even
think about trying to stop me, or I swear to God I wont leave your face intact the
next time.
He gave me a skeptical look, clearly not considering me capable of causing any

real damage, but wisely kept silent. Instead he just nodded in defeat, holding up
both hands in surrender and took a step back. Not about to waste any more time
arguing with him - even though a part of me knew I was letting him get away too
easily - I spun around and strode off, not looking back once.
My tears had dried by the time I got back to the house, but the turmoil inside me
had by no means settled down. I immediately spotted Phil, sitting on the couch in
front of the TV - with the sound off, as if not wanting to risk missing any sign of
my return - and I felt even worse for causing him to worry about me.
Im sorry, I mumbled, stepping into the room as he reached for the remote and
turned the TV off. I shouldnt have left like that. I just-
Bella... Phil cut me off, raising a hand to stop me. You dont have to apologize.
I understand why you left, and I dont blame you. I know it must be really hard for
you, being back here. He paused. This is what its like for me all the time, Bella,
living in this house, where Im constantly reminded of... A sigh escaped him. Do
you see now why I cant stay?
I nodded, because I did. In fact, I had known all along, I just didnt want to admit
it. How could you stand it for this long? I asked quietly. He patted the couch
next to him, and I bit my lip as I slowly made my way over to him and sat down.
It hasnt been easy, he admitted. But I told myself I owed it to Rene, to her
memory. I wasnt lucky enough to have her in my life for as long as you did, but
the few years I did get to spend with her meant everything to me. If I could do it
all over again, even knowing the outcome, I wouldnt change a thing.
I glanced at him. Really?
Really. He hesitated a little. I know this sounds like a clich, and it probably
wont bring you much comfort now, but as long as you will remember your
mother, she will live on in your heart. A beat. Holding on to that thought is what
helps me make it through the night.
Realizing how unfair I had been to him about all of this, I swallowed hard. Im
sorry for giving you such a hard time about selling the house. I understand now.
Really, I do.
He gave me a sad smile that didnt quite reach his eyes. Thank you, Bella. It
means a lot to me. But I owe you an apology as well. I should have been more
considerate to your feelings, and not pushed you about dealing with your moms
belongings the moment you stepped through the door. I guess I just wanted to get

it over with, but I should have waited. Can you forgive me?
Of course. I felt like crying again, but struggled to keep my emotions in check.
In a way, I really wanted to get it over with as well, but at the same time, I didnt
think I could bring up enough strength and energy to handle another journey down
memory lane tonight. Look, Phil, I know I cant put it off forever, but would you
mind if we wait until morning?
He waved his hand in dismissal. Thatll be fine, Bella. Do you want to do
something else tonight? We could... he thought quickly, ...watch some TV, or
play a card game or something.
Sure, Id like that. I tried to smile. I just need to make a phone call first. Is that
okay?
Absolutely, go ahead. He got up from the couch. Ill be in the kitchen. That
way youll get some privacy. A pause. Oh, I put your bag up in your old room.
Will that be all right? Otherwise Ill just move it into the guest room. Its no big
deal.
I shook my head. No, thats okay. I dont mind. In fact, I think Ill just go upstairs
to make the call.
Would you like me to go with you? he asked in a casual voice. I appreciated his
offer, knowing he worried that being back in my old room would upset me, but
shook my head again, determined to do this by myself. Besides, I didnt really
have any bad memories of that room. I would be okay.
Ar least thats what I thought, until I was curled up on my old bed, clutching my
phone tightly in my hand as I waited for Edward to pick up. The moment I heard
his voice, I fell apart.
Bella? Edward sounded close to panic when he heard me sobbing into the
phone, and I couldnt blame him. Whats wrong, love? Talk to me!
The pleading note in his voice only made my tears fall harder, although I tried
pulling myself together. Im - Im... o-okay, I managed to choke out, hating the
idea of causing him distress with my breakdown. But I just wanted him to hold
me, and I knew that wasnt possible.
What happened? he demanded, and I could imagine him pulling at his hair in
frustration. Bella, please, youre fucking killing me here! Are you hurt? Tell me
what to do.

I miss you, I whimpered, angry at myself for being so weak. Edward didnt need
this from me. I wanted so badly to be strong for him, but much to my dismay, I
found that I was failing.
OoO
EPOV
Normally I wouldve been thrilled to hear those words from Bella, but the way she
was sniffling into the phone definitely diminished the joy. I took a deep breath,
struggling to stay calm. As much as I wanted to just jump into my car and go get
to her, I knew it was impossible. I had to be realistic - for the moment, this was as
close to Bella as I would get.
I miss you, too, I admitted helplessly, wishing I could just hold her and make her
pain go away. It was killing me to hear the sadness and distress in her voice, and
not being able to do a thing to help her.
Im sorry, she mumbled now, and I gripped my phone tighter, as if that would
bring me closer to her. I thought I could do this without... I heard her take a
shuddering breath. Dont worry about me, Ill be fine. Are you okay?
Was she fucking serious? I shook my head. Bella, forget about me. Just tell me
why youre so upset. Please.
I just... There was a moment of silence, and I found myself holding my breath.
Finally she spoke again, Its just been a long day. And its hard, being back here.
I... wish you were here. She added the last part so softly I almost didnt hear her.
Almost.
Im so sorry, I croaked, feeling absolutely powerless as self-loathing started
welling up inside me. Bella needed me, but because of my fucking issues, I
couldnt just get on a plane like a normal person and be there for her. I really was
the worst fucking boyfriend ever.
Edward, dont, she pleaded, as if knowing exactly what I was thinking. I didnt
say that for you to feel guilty about not being here. I just wish I could be with you
right now - here or in Forks, it doesnt really matter. I just want us to be together. I

love you.
I squeezed my eyes shut, horrified I would start fucking bawling and she would
end up being the one to fucking console me. I love you, Bella, I told her
sincerely, forcing myself to breathe as calmly as I could. Believe me, theres
nothing Id want more than to be with you right now. Look, weve almost made it
through the first day. Only... I almost choked up, ...two days left.
Right. I could hear her letting out a defeated sigh. At least her crying seemed to
have stopped - for now.
I was a bit reluctant to ask, afraid my question wouldnt set her off again. But I
desperately wanted to know. Wanna tell me about your day?
Okay... She was quiet for a few seconds, and I figured she was trying to decide
where to start. Phil picked me up at the airport. It was good to see him again. A
little awkward, but... Well, anyway, we went to get pizza, and then we went back
to the house. A pause. Im up in my old room now. It looks just the same as
when I used to live here.
Oh, well thats... I hesitated a little, ...nice, I then finished lamely, rolling my
eyes at myself. Nice? Was that really the best I could come up with?
She sighed again. I dont know about that. Its weird being here, Edward. I mean,
I know its the same house I grew up in, but it doesnt feel like home anymore. Its
just a house now. A beat. I wanna go home.
I slumped down on my bed, pinching the bridge of my nose. I know, love. Its
gonna be okay. Youll be back here before you know it, I promise. Two days is
nothing. I honestly didnt know which one of us I was trying to convince the
most, Bella or myself.
All I knew was that my girl was still upset, and I would do or say just about
anything to make her feel better. My chest had literally ached when she told me in
that small, dejected voice that she wanted to come home, and I had lied through
my fucking teeth when I assured her it wouldnt be long.
Two days is nothing, I had told her. Fucking bullshit! It felt like forever.
Edward? There was a sudden hint of uncertainty in Bellas voice. Theres
more.
What do you mean? I was a little confused, but waited for her to go on.

When we first arrived at the house, I sort of freaked out, she admitted. My head
started to hurt really bad, and then when Phil mentioned going through Moms
things, it all just became too much. So I took off for a while. I needed to get
away.
I could definitely relate to that. If there was one thing I was familiar with, it was
the feeling of being so completely overwhelmed with emotions and shit, running
away seemed to be the only option, the only way to keep from going insane, to
keep from exploding.
Bella continued in a low voice, I ran into an old... a pause, ...friend, if you can
call him that. We had a... disagreement, of sorts. Anyway, thats the other reason I
was so upset when I first called you. As if being back here isnt enough, I have to
deal with an immature, self-centered moron as well. She let out a sound of
annoyance.
Him? I echoed stupidly, just to make sure I had understood her correctly. Your
friends a guy? I really, really didnt like the sound of that.
There was a brief moment of silence, and I realized I was clenching my fists as
hard as I possibly could. Then Bella spoke up again, Okay, when I said friend...
More of an acquaintance. But yes, his names Jacob, and if I never see him again,
itll be too soon. The nerve of him... She started to sound agitated again.
What the fuck did he do? I tried to remain calm, I really did, but I knew I was
failing miserably. Did he hurt you? Bella actually burst out giggling, although it
came out a little too hysterical for my liking. Bella! I all but yelled into the
phone, unable to hold back my frustration.
No, he didnt hurt me, she assured me, immediately sobering up. Actually, I
hurt him. She was quiet for a couple of seconds, and then, I punched him in the
face, Edward.
You...? I blinked, certain I had heard her wrong. Then an image of Bella, kicking
Tyler Crowley in the balls, played up in my mind. I shook my head, trying to clear
my thoughts. Oh, I finished weakly. Bella, are you sure youre okay?
Yes. She sounded embarrassed. I mean, my hand hurt at first, but its much
better now. Look, Edward, I realize you have a lot of questions, and Ill tell you
everything you want to know, but can it wait until I get back? Please? I know it
was stupid of me to even bring it up in the first place, but... her voice trailed off,
and it suddenly hit me how utterly exhausted she sounded.

I could relate to that as well.

Sure, I told her huskily, angry at myself for not being more considerate to her
feelings, when she was obviously still under a lot of stress. Once again, I cursed
myself for not being able to act like the supportive and understanding boyfriend
she deserved.
How could I ever be good enough for her?
I should probably go - Phil wants us to spend some quality time together. She
sounded like shed rather stay and talk to me, which made me feel somewhat
better. Edward?
Hm? She was so far away. I just wanted to reach into the phone and grab her,
pull her into my arms and never go.
Will you call me tomorrow when you wake up? She sounded like she was on the
verge of tears.
I nodded, even though I knew she couldnt see me. Of course, if thats what you
want.
I do. She let out a miserable sigh. I miss you so much, Edward. I cant wait to
talk to you again. A beat. I cant wait to see you again. This sucks!
Yeah, I agreed, knowing it was time to get off the phone, but dreading the idea
of saying goodbye. I took a deep breath, praying my voice wouldnt betray me.
Night, Bella. Talk to you tomorrow. I love you. It never ceased to amaze me
how easily those words seemed to roll over my tongue now, or how much I
enjoyed saying them.
Almost as much as I loved hearing them.
Night, baby. I heard her sniffling softly, and it was like a stab in the chest.
I couldnt bring myself to press the button and disconnect the call until I heard the
click on the other end. Then I tossed the phone to the side and fell back on the bed,
pressed my fists against my stinging eyes and felt lonelier than ever.

Chapter 75
EPOV
Dont go, I pleaded, knowing it was pointless, and yet praying that just this
once, my mother wouldnt leave. Of course, she did, not even bothering to throw a
second look in my direction as she walked away from me, and I was all alone. Or
was I? I could never know for sure.
The room was pitch-black, and while I knew that was probably a good thing,
seeing how it should make it harder for him to locate me, the darkness still
frightened me. Anything could be lurking in the shadows. That was when I heard a
noise behind me, and somehow managed to hold back a whimper as I slid down
on the floor, struggling not to make any sound as I hid in the darkest corner of the
room.
Hiding was meaningless, I knew that, because he would always find me, but I
couldnt help myself - I was terrified. I dreaded the pain, but even more so, I
feared the lack of control, the feeling of being completely exposed and helpless.
Once he got his hands on me, I was left at his mercy until he would decide I had
suffered enough - for the moment.
Edward? Where are you, son? I cant help you if you wont talk to me. Carlisles
voice, coming from the hallway outside my room. Hope and relief welled up inside
me and I opened my mouth, only to stop myself as I sensed a movement next to me,
and I froze in my tracks, not daring to respond and reveal my position.
He was here. He had been in here all along, just waiting.
If you get over here right now, Ill go easy on you this time, James told me in a
low, almost kind voice, but I wasnt fooled. I knew he was lying, because he would
never go easy on me. And he knew that I knew - he was just taunting me, playing
with me. It was all just a game to him, I realized that now.
But I also knew it didnt really make any difference if I had done something wrong
or not - he would punish me anyway. Because thats what he did. If I was bad, he
would hurt me. If I wasnt, then he would still hurt me, and tell me I had been bad
and therefor deserved it. And I would believe him.
Theres no food in the house, Emmett grumbled, rummaging through the fridge
with his back towards me. Then he glanced at me over his shoulder. Lets play
video games. Im bored.

Emmett? I croaked, blinking in surprise. My eyes darted around the room in

alarm, but James was nowhere to be seen. What are you doing here?
I live here, was his clever response. He closed the door to the fridge and turned
around to face me. Why are you hiding? You know thatll only make things
worse.
That was true. I didnt dare to believe I was out of the woods, just because James
seemed to have disappeared for the moment. I wasnt that lucky. Hes still around
here somewhere, I whispered, wanting nothing more than to get up and run, but
found that I couldnt move. Do you see him?
He shook his head, taking a huge bite of the large slice of pizza in his hand.
Theres just the two of us here.
Last warning, boy, James drawled, and I jumped when I felt him breathing
against my neck, reeking of alcohol. Get up and face the wall.
Emmett just kept eating.
A choked sob escaped me. Please, dont hurt me.
You know why Im doing this, James told me, menacingly. I want to hear you
say it.
Dont say it, Alice pleaded, tears trickling down her face as she watched me
from across the room. I dont blame you, Edward. I want you to trust me. Can I
touch you?
Looking at her with wide eyes, I then nodded, hesitating briefly before reaching
out my hand in her direction, silently begging her to save me. But she remained
where she was, making no attempt of moving towards me. Alice? I asked in
confusion.
She was gone.
They wont help you. James laughed, mockingly.
We wanted to help you, Edward, we really did. Esme sighed, sounding regretful
as she went on, Im sorry, sweetie. We tried, but you wouldnt let us. Its out of
our hands.

I squeezed my eyes shut, knowing that when I opened them again, she would be
gone. And I was right. James grinned down at me, his eyes cold as ice.
Bella... I all but whimpered, my eyes searching desperately for the one person I
had come to trust with my life, who had promised me she wouldnt let go, no
matter what.
Oh, didnt you hear? James grabbed my arm, jerking me to my feet and
slamming me into the wall. His face was mere inches away from mine as he
practically spat out the next words. Shes not coming back!
I jolted awake, a silent cry stuck in my throat.
OoO
You look like youve had a rough night, Carlisle stated when I got downstairs
the next morning, a sympathetic look on his face. I merely grunted in response. He
cast a look at his watch. I dont need to be at the hospital for another couple of
hours. Do you want to talk about it?
Not really, I muttered, slumping down on a chair. The truth was, I felt like shit,
and if it wasnt for the fact that I wanted to avoid falling asleep again at all costs, I
would have gladly stayed in bed for the rest of the weekend. But sleeping meant
dreaming, and I wasnt about to risk having another nightmare.
Hell, I was still shaken up after the last one. Just thinking about it now made me
shiver.
He watched me with a thoughtful expression. If you are worried about
tomorrow-
What, youll call the whole thing off? I interrupted him, raising a brow. He
opened his mouth, then closed it again, and I rolled my eyes. Didnt think so.
Carlisle sighed. I would if I could, you know that. I didnt respond. He hesitated
a little. Edward, I know youre going through a rough time right now, with Bella
being away and Victorias visit coming up. Just remember, youre not alone. I
want to help you, but I cant do that if you wont talk to me.
I froze at his words and my head snapped in his direction. My heart started beating
faster as I recalled him saying almost the exact same thing in my nightmare.

What the fuck do you mean by that? I demanded, hating how my voice
trembled.
He looked surprised. I mean exactly what I say, Edward. If you wont tell me
whats bothering you, Ill have no way of making the situation easier for you. If
you dont want to talk about it, you have to at least tell me what to do, what you
need.
I swallowed hard, shaking my head. I dont know what the fuck I need.
Bella, the little voice inside my head whispered, stubbornly. But Bella wasnt here.
Didnt you hear? Shes not coming back!
I felt a chill run down my spine, hearing James voice in my head just as clear had
he been in the same room. Looking around wildly, my eyes then landed on
Carlisle, and I didnt miss the look of concern on his face. Going fucking crazy
here, I muttered, looking down at my hands. They were shaking, badly.
You will be fine, Carlisle insisted, placing his hand gently on my arm, and I
found myself relaxing, ever so slightly.
I raised my head, and our eyes met. He watched me calmly. Just like youre fine
with my touch. I looked down at his hand, still on my arm, strangely fascinated.
He cleared his throat. You probably dont remember this, but back when we first
met - at the hospital in Chicago - you would also settle down when I touched you.
Clearly seeing my shocked expression, he clarified, You were barely awake when
they brought you in, and during the first couple of days, you went in and out of
consciousness. You know I stayed with you most of the time? I nodded - not
actually remembering, but people had told me as much, and I saw no reason to
doubt them.
He went on, something in his voice changing, Even when you were out of it, you
would still tense up whenever someone else entered the room, as if you knew on
some level that a potential threat was approaching. I would talk to you, trying to
assure you that you were safe, and I suppose you had gotten used to my voice,
because whenever I stepped inside, you remained calm.
I stared at him with wide eyes. I didnt know that.
A sad smile appeared on his face. You couldnt. I never told you, and I doubt
anyone else was aware. Anyway, since you were asleep for long periods at a time,

and considering everything youd been through, I figured it was only natural for
you to suffer from horrible nightmares. It didnt take long for me to learn the
pattern, and I was able to tell when your demons were haunting you.
I remained silent, waiting for him to continue. This was all news to me, and I
didnt know how I felt about it. I didnt like talking about anything related to my
stay at the hospital - I didnt remember much of it, and the few vague memories I
did have were far from pleasant.
Still, he had piqued my curiosity. I sucked in a breath, and tried bracing myself for
a trip down memory lane.
Wheres... my mom? I swallowed - my throat was burning and I had to struggle
to get the words out, force my mouth to move. It felt strange, and I didnt like it.
He didnt respond right away, and I feared my question had upset him. I just
couldnt understand why. Finally he spoke up, softly, I dont know, son. Im
sorry.
Why would that make him sorry? I tried blinking a couple of times, hoping it
would help me regain my full vision. When it didnt, I gave up and turned my head
away. Shes not coming, I whispered, thinking he wouldnt hear me.
But he had. Ill make sure she will, he told me in a quiet, yet firm voice, and I
found myself believing him. So I shook my head, the small movement making me
dizzy.
If she came here, she would bring him.
I would place my hand on your shoulder, or your arm, whenever you became
agitated, Carlisle continued, his voice bringing me back to reality. Of course, I
was cautious at first, having witnessed your reaction to physical contact first hand
the night they brought you in. But somehow, it made you relax, settle down.
I dont remember, I mumbled, feeling pretty stupid. Im sorry.
Dont be. He sighed. Unfortunately, it didnt have the same effect when you
were awake.
I wanted to ask why, but figured he wouldnt have any answer. Maybe this was
why I had always - on some level - felt more comfortable around Carlisle than any
other male, even though I still wouldnt allow him to come too close. Well, not
until just recently, anyway.

Maybe that was also the reason I hadnt freaked out completely when he had first
informed me I was coming home with him. It was all coming back to me now.
Edward, theres something I want to discuss with you. I turned my head in his
direction, watching him with a sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach. Had I
done something wrong? I felt my heart pounding in my chest. Was he coming
here? There had been no sign of him so far, but that didnt mean he had forgotten
about me.
Carlisle held up his hand in a calming gesture, obviously sensing my rising
distress. Everythings okay, dont worry. Your physical injuries are healing quite
nicely, and you wont have to stay here at the hospital much longer. However, we
need to talk about whats going to happen next.
Terror welled up inside me at his words. I hated being here, but I dreaded the
thought of going back home even more. As much as I struggled to stay strong, I
was unable to stop the tears from spilling down my face, and I started sobbing in
fear. I jumped when I felt the bed shift and he sat down next to me, thankfully
leaving some distance between us.
Its all right, son, you wont have to go back there. Just calm down and let me
explain. He sounded so honest, so sincere, and I found myself relaxing a little.
Embarrassed by my emotional outburst, I quickly wiped my eyes.
Besides, crying and showing fear had always led to punishment so far. I felt myself
tensing up again.
I told you the other day I have a wife named Esme, he went on, his voice calm
and soothing. Shes here today, and she would like to meet you. I think you will
like her - shes a very kind woman. A pause. Esme and I both hope you would
like to come live with us in Forks.
Do you... I began hesitantly, but the words got stuck in my throat. There was
something I was dying to ask, but at the same time, I was terrified of the answer.
Carlisle just looked at me, patiently, as if he was willing to wait the rest of his life
for me to gather enough courage to finish my sentence. I took a deep breath and
started over, Do you ever regret...?
Never, he replied firmly, the conviction in his voice leaving no room for doubt.
Weve never once regretted taking you in, Edward, even for a second. He looked
me straight in the eyes, and I knew then he was telling the truth. I let out the breath
I had been holding and nodded in acceptance, not trusting my voice to hold if I

tried to speak.
After our talk, I actually felt somewhat better, and the rest of the morning passed
relatively quickly. I went to call Bella after breakfast, and noted with relief that she
sounded a little less upset today, although there was still a hint of sadness in her
voice when she told me she and Phil were going to go through her mothers things
after lunch. I wished - and not for the first time - that I could be there and help her.
I almost told Bella about the dreaded appointment with Mrs. Masen the next day,
but at the last second decided against it. She had enough to think about as it was,
and in all honesty, I didnt want to talk about it. Bella would without a doubt try to
make me feel better, but I just couldnt see how that was possible at the moment.
Before we hung up, she told me she loved me, and my heart swelled at her words.
If only she would come home now, everything would be right in the world.
Okay, not entirely true. I still had tomorrow to get through. The more I thought
about it, the more agitated I became, and I recalled the first time I had met Victoria
Masen, about three months after I had moved in with the Cullens.
Well be right outside, son, Carlisle assured me, and Esme nodded in
agreement. Now remember, all you have to do is try to answer her questions, and
if - at any time - you feel uncomfortable, just come and get us. Do you
understand?
When I nodded, it was only to appease him - I knew I wouldnt get them, no matter
how uncomfortable this woman made me feel. I never asked for anything - I didnt
have the right. Carlisle may insist on calling me son, but I wasnt his son, and I
never would be.
So, Edward... The woman - Mrs. Masen - watched me closely, and I shrank
back into the couch, not liking the attention. Her hair was red like fire, and her
voice was too loud. She intimidated me, and I had a feeling she noticed - and that
it pleased her. How are the Cullens treating you so far?
Good, I mumbled, keeping my head downcast as I hoped my reply would be
enough to satisfy her. But the way she sighed - loudly - told me it wasnt.
Could you elaborate a little? she asked, although the tone of her voice
indicated it wasnt really a question.
I swallowed, not understanding what she wanted to hear. Having accidentally
overheard Esme and Carlisle talking one day, I had gotten the impression that this

woman had the power to decide whether or not I was allowed to stay here, and I
was absolutely terrified of saying the wrong thing, giving her a reason to send me
away.
Send me back.
Theyre treating me really well, I whispered in a trembling voice, hating that I
had to sit here and talk to this stranger, but scared of what would happen if I
didnt. It was true, though, the Cullens had been very good to me, although I
wouldnt dare letting my guard down and believe it would actually last.
Every day, every moment, could be the last before they decided theyd had enough
and that I wasnt worth the trouble. Then what would happen to me?
And youve been behaving, I take it? The corner of her mouth twitched.
I felt my throat tighten and my eyes shot to hers in alarm. How should I respond to
that? I knew I was bad, having been told that on a daily basis for as long as I
could remember, but telling her so would probably make her angry.
When I remained silent, she raised a brow in question, and I felt the panic rising.
Suddenly it all became too much, and I failed to hold back a choked sob. I wanted
to run, but I couldnt get my body to move. In that moment, I couldnt even
breathe. My entire body was shaking and the world became blurry.
And then everything went dark.
I had come to realize the Cullens actually did see me as part of the family, and I
was no longer fully convinced they would send me back to Chicago if I didnt
happen to have all the correct answers to Mrs. Masens questions. But that didnt
mean I felt comfortable around her. She still made me feel inferior, powerless. Out
of place.
Every time I saw her, I was brought back to that first day, every time I had to talk
to her, I was once again reduced to that terrified little boy who had no idea what to
do, what to expect. I hated it.
And now about this time tomorrow I had no choice but to go through it
again.

Chapter 76
BPOV
After my semi-breakdown when I first entered the house, I was certain I would
have trouble falling asleep that night. In fact, I didnt expect to get much sleep at
all, but to my great surprise, I had drifted off only minutes after laying down and
putting my head on the pillow. And what surprised me even more was that I woke
up the next morning feeling almost perfectly rested.
The house was holding memories - some pleasant, others painful - but I realized
now that my old room was still just a room, and my old bed was still just a bed. I
didnt suffer from any nightmares, like I had feared, but even though I had never
been a morning person, a part of me was still relieved when I was woken by the
buzzing sound of the alarm clock at 8:30.
One night down - one to go.
Tomorrow night, Id be going back home - to Edward. Of course, since I wouldnt
be in Forks until somewhere around midnight, I would still have to wait until
morning to see him, but I pushed that depressing thought to the back of my mind
for now.
Taking a quick shower and getting dressed, I then made my way down the stairs. I
found Phil in the kitchen, drinking coffee while reading the morning paper, and it
made me think of Charlie. For a brief moment, I worried about his eating habits
now when I was away, but then I remembered that my father had actually managed
to survive for years without me there to cook for him.
Morning, Bella. Phil put the paper down. Theres some toast over there if
youre hungry, and theres orange juice in the fridge. Unless you prefer coffee. He
gave me an uncertain look.
I shook my head. Thatll be fine. Thanks.
My cell phone rang just as I had finished my breakfast, and my face lit up when I
saw Edwards name on the display. Quickly excusing myself, I hurried out of the
kitchen, not feeling comfortable taking the call with Phil in the same room.
Hello? I answered breathlessly.
Morning, love. Edward sounded calm, but at the same time, slightly off. Howd
you sleep?

Better than expected, actually, I admitted, slumping down on a chair. What

about you? When he just mumbled something I couldnt make out, and then went
on to ask me about my plans for the day, I couldnt help my concern. Edward, is
something wrong? Are you okay?
Yeah. He sighed, and when he went on, I noted that he sounded a little tired.
Really, Bella, Im fine. I just miss you.
I practically melted on the spot - I could definitely relate to that. I miss you, too,
baby. So, so much. You have no idea.
Oh, I think I do. He let out a groan of frustration. Fuck, Bella, I think Im going
insane here. I just wish... his voice trailed off.
What? I asked, wanting nothing more than to just hug him close and never let
go. He suddenly sounded so sad, and it was killing me.
Nothing. So, what are you doing after breakfast? He seemed to be a little less
gloomy, and a bit more optimistic, but I got the feeling he was just putting on a
show for my benefit, which bothered me, although I decided not to push him about
it.
I dont know. Ill probably just hang out here, with Phil. I bit my lip. Were
gonna go through my moms things after lunch.
Oh. There was a moment of silence. Are you gonna be okay?
I didnt want to lie to Edward, but I hated the idea of him worrying about me. I
guess so, I finally mumbled, wishing I could bring myself to sound at least a little
more convincing. But I was pretty sure he would just see right through me.
We talked a bit more, mostly about trivial stuff, although I once again felt like
there was something he wasnt telling me. I didnt call him on it, though, telling
myself I was just being paranoid. But deep down, I couldnt help but feel like he
was keeping something important from me.
You know I love you, I told him sincerely, hoping to encourage him into
opening up to me, but whatever he was hiding - assuming there even was
something - he was obviously not going to cave and share his thoughts with me
right now. At least he said the words back, which put a happy smile on my face.
I would never get tired of hearing Edward saying that he loved me. Just like I

would never get tired of telling him I felt the same way.
A couple of hours later, I was sitting on the floor, indian style, up in the attic
looking through an old photo album. Phil was making himself busy dragging some
dusty, old boxes across the room, no doubt wanting to give me some space. It was
considerate of him, I suppose, but I couldnt help but feel like he was trying to
avoid talking. I knew this had to be hard for him as well.
I had to smile at a picture of me as a toddler, dressed as a ballerina and looking
into the camera with a big, goofy grin on my face. Then my eyes landed on
another picture, where I was peeking up behind a huge birthday cake with
whipped cream on my nose, my mom and dad both laughing happily in the
background, and a wave of sadness welled over me. I closed the album.
Hey, do you remember this? I turned to Phil and saw that he was holding up a
small, delicate jewelry box. It was blue and white, with silver colored flowers. He
chuckled. Rene loved this box, and so did you. You kept stealing it, and then
claimed to have no idea how it always ended up in your room.
I was twelve! I defended myself, but then giggled. Yeah, I remember. You gave
it to Mom on her birthday, and I was so jealous. I thought it was the prettiest thing
I had ever seen. Phil handed the box to me, and I ran my fingers longingly over
the lid. When I tried to give it back to him, he shook his head, insisting Id keep it.
Thanks, I whispered, trying to smile.
I was thinking of visiting the grave tomorrow, Phil told me quietly after a couple
of minutes of silence. Would you like to come?
Hesitating a little, I then nodded. Okay. He nodded as well and we fell back into
silence, both of us wrapped up in our own memories. Finally I glanced at him. Do
you think youll ever get married again? A part of me didnt want to hear the
answer, and yet I couldnt help but wonder. After all, he was not that old.
Wow, Bella... He stood up with a sigh. I honestly dont know what to tell you.
Right now, my spontaneous answer would be never. I loved Rene with all my
heart, and a part of me always will. But... He looked me right in the eyes. To tell
the truth, I cant see myself falling in love again. But I cant tell you whats going
to happen in the future. Because you never know.
I nodded in acceptance, blinking back tears. As much as I wanted him to promise
that he would never look at another woman again, I knew I had to be realistic.
Besides, Phil was a good man, and I didnt want him to spend the rest of his life
alone. It wouldnt be fair to him, and I figured my mom would want him to be

happy. That was the kind of person she was - kind and selfless.
You know, Im seeing someone. My eyes widened at my confession, because I
had never felt comfortable talking to my parents about my personal life. I didnt
know what possessed me to bring it up, but it was too late to take it back now.
His name is Edward.
Really? Phil looked a little surprised at first, but then he smiled. Thats great,
Bella. I hope hes treating you well.
Phil! I protested, blushing furiously. Really, Edward is wonderful. Actually,
I... I stopped myself abruptly, realizing I had been about to admit that I was in
love. It wasnt that I was ashamed of my feelings, but I didnt know how Phil
would react. We used to be pretty close, but there were certain things we never got
to talk about, love and potential relationships being one of them.
Yeah, I never told him much about me and Jake. Phil and my mom both knew we
were dating, but that was pretty much it, even though Rene had tried to get me to
open up to her more than once. In many ways, she had been almost like a teenager,
loving to gossip and talk about boys. Now I kind of wished I had talked to her
more, even if it definitely wouldve been embarrassing at the time.
I let out a wistful sigh. Phil and I talked some more - we both laughed and cried as
we shared memories and stories of the past - and while the rest of the afternoon
went by without too much drama, all in all, it turned out to be a really long day.
We had dinner in the dining room that night - Phil insisted on cooking instead of
ordering in - and by the time we had finished eating, I was exhausted.
Although I was really tired and felt like I was minutes away from falling asleep, I
grabbed my phone and called Edward as I curled up in bed, longing to hear his
voice again. He picked up right away, and I couldnt help but wonder if he had just
been waiting for me to call.
Hey, Bella. I frowned, because just like this morning, he sounded sad. Or maybe
not sad as much as... off, like something was troubling him. I knew he was
probably missing me just as much as I missed him, but if that was the only thing
bothering him, shouldnt he at least perk up a little when I called? No, something
was definitely not right here.
Whats going on? I tried to sound demanding, but it came out more as a plea.
Edward, did something happen? Dont give me this Im fine crap, because Im
not buying it. Please, tell me whats wrong.

I heard him sigh on the other end. Its nothing, Bella. Look, you must be tired.
We can talk about this when you get back.
If he thought I was letting him get away that easily, he was mistaken. So youre
saying there is something to talk about? Then it cant be nothing. Im serious,
Edward, Ive had a long day, but Im not that tired. When he remained silent, I
took a deep breath, feeling like either screaming or crying in frustration. Im not
trying to push you here, Im just worried about you. Cant you see that?
I know. His voice cracked, and I suddenly felt like the most horrible person in
the world, not to mention the biggest hypocrite ever. Last night, I had practically
begged Edward not to ask me more about Jake until I got home, and he had agreed
without objections, even though it had to be killing him.
Im sorry. I swallowed. You dont have to tell me anything, I just... God, how
I wished I was back in Forks. I love you, I finished, weakly.
Bella... I could tell by his voice that he was struggling to hold himself together.
I love you, too, and its not that I dont want to talk to you, never think that. A
pause. Youre right, there is something going on, and Im obviously not handling
it very well. Its a long story, and as much as Id like to tell you all about it, talking
wont really help right now. Trust me, Bella, I dont want to upset you.
I felt like my head was spinning. He was worried about upsetting me? Didnt he
realize there was nothing that could upset me more than knowing he was in pain,
and not being able to do anything? How could I possibly make him feel better if I
didnt know what was happening?
A part of me wanted to keep pushing, forcing him to talk to me and hopefully give
both of us some peace of mind, but I knew I could never do that. So I told him I
understood, even though every cell in my body was screaming in protest. When
we hung up - after once again declaring our love and promise to talk again in the
morning - I buried my face in my pillow and cried myself to sleep.
When I woke up the next morning, the sun was shining brightly into the room, and
I sat up in bed with a start, realizing I must have turned off the alarm in my sleep,
because it was already past ten. I jumped out of bed so fast I gave myself a head
rush, shocked that I had slept for so long.
I quickly reached for the phone and called Edward, but he didnt pick up, so I left
him a message on the voice mail, saying good morning and apologizing again for
being pushy last night. Then I told him I loved him and finished by asking him to
give me a call later when he got the chance.

Phil greeted me when I got downstairs, waving away my apology for sleeping in.
For some reason, things just werent the same between us as they had once been we both seemed too focused on acting polite towards one another to fall
completely back into the comfortable friendship wed had going when we lived
together.
In a way, it made me sad, but I decided it was just life. Rene had obviously been
the glue holding us together, and now when she was gone, well, I figured Phil and
I didnt really have much in common anymore. I still referred to him as my
stepfather, but I knew that was just because he was married to my mom.
Phil had always been great to me, but Charlie was - and had always been - my real
dad, even though we hadnt really been close while I was growing up. I suppose
blood really was thicker than water. It suddenly hit me that I missed Charlie, and I
made a mental note to give him a call right after breakfast. I had spoken to him
briefly the day before, but that was just me calling to check in.
As it turned out, my dad was really happy to hear from me, and we talked for a
while, although we never got into any deeper conversation. That was okay, though,
it was just the way things were supposed to be. I told him Phil and I were going to
visit Moms grave this afternoon, and there was an awkward moment when
Charlie asked me to bring a flower from him. I think we both teared up a little. We
ended the call pretty quickly after that.
The rest of the morning went by. I tried to call Edward a few more times, only to
get his voice mail every time, and I was starting to panic. What the hell was going
on? I tried to think rationally - if something was seriously wrong, surely Alice or
someone would have contacted me.
Alice! I nearly slapped myself for not thinking of her sooner, and quickly browsed
through my phone book until I found her number - which didnt take long, seeing
how she was the first person on my contact list. Much to my relief, she picked up
right away, and just like Charlie, she sounded happy I was calling. Hi, Bella! she
chirped.
Hi, Alice. I hesitated, feeling a bit bad for calling her and immediately asking
about Edward, but I couldnt help myself - I was too worried to make any small
talk. Um, do you know why Edwards not answering his phone? Ive tried calling
him several times. Is he okay?
There was a moment of silence, and I thought my heart was going to stop. Then
she spoke up, an uncertain note in her voice, So he didnt tell you?

Tell me what? Frustration welled up inside me - Alice obviously knew what was
going on. Alice, please, I have no idea what youre talking about. Hes not hurt or
anything, is he?
Oh God, please let him be okay...
Oh, no, its nothing like that, she hurried to assure me, and I let out a shuddering
breath of relief. Hes just... busy at the moment. Im sure hell tell you all about it
when-
I cut her off, not wanting to be rude, but she had to give me a little more than that.
Busy? Doing what?
Alice sighed. Bella, I dont know why, but Edward mustve had some reason for
not saying anything to you. I dont think I should... she stopped and let out
another sigh. Oh, hell! Did Edward ever tell you about a woman named Victoria
Masen?
My eyes widened in recognition, and a conversation Id been having with Esme
what seemed like ages ago played up in my mind. It was back when Edward and I
had just started to get to know each other, and her words now rang in my head.
Victoria Masen is the social worker connected to Edwards case. Theres a lot
more to the story, though, but you will have to ask him for any details.
What about her? I asked quietly, a sinking feeling in my stomach.
It took a moment before Alice responded, and I had a strong feeling she wished
she hadnt brought it up. Well, actually, shes here at the house right now.

Chapter 77
BPOV
Phil! I prayed I wouldnt trip as I ran down the stairs, carrying my bag in one
hand and clutching my cell phone in the other. The same moment I reached the
bottom of the stairs, he appeared in the doorway. I need the number to the
airport, I explained, slightly out of breath. I have to go home.

What? His eyes went from my face to my bag, and then back to me again.
Bella, your plane wont leave until six.
I know that. I struggled not to roll my eyes. Thats why I have to catch an
earlier flight. Theres been an emergency, and I need to get home as soon as
possible.
At the word emergency, Phils expression turned from confusion to concern.
What happened? Is Charlie okay?
Yeah, Charlies fine. I waved my hand in dismissal, annoyed, because this was a
waste of my time. Please, Phil, I really have to go.
Bella, youre not making any sense. He looked at me in bewilderment. What
happened that is so important that you cant wait until tonight?
I bit my lip, trying to keep the tears from falling. My boyfriend needs me.
He looked skeptical for a moment, but I guess he must have seen something in my
eyes that told him I was dead serious, because he finally let out a sigh of defeat
and scratched the back of his head. All right, give me a moment to start up my
laptop. Itll probably be easier to book the ticket online - assuming there are any.
But Bella, I wouldnt get my hopes up.
Fearing he was right, I nearly wept in relief when Phil looked up from his
computer ten minutes later. Youre lucky - theres a plane that leaves at two, and
it looks like theres still a couple of empty seats left. You want me to book you
one? I nodded eagerly, and he clicked a few buttons. Done.
I let out the breath I had been holding - it looked like I would actually be able to
get back to Edward tonight after all. Now I just had to call Charlie and let him
know about the change of plans, so he could pick me up when I got to Port
Angeles. I gave him a shaky smile. Thank you, Phil. You have no idea how much
this means to me.
After Alices revelation about Victoria, I knew I couldnt wait until morning Edward needed me now. She had tried to assure me he would be fine until I got
back, that he had been dealing with Victoria before, and knew what he was getting
into, but I was unable to take any comfort from her words. Of course he wouldnt
be fine, when forced to deal with someone from his past.
Okay, so technically, Victoria wasnt really part of Edwards past, seeing how she
had gotten involved after he came to live with the Cullens - I knew that much - but

still. For once, Alice had been reluctant to talk and had pretty much clammed up
after telling me about the social worker being at their house, insisting I had to ask
Edward for any further details, and I knew I couldnt really blame her.
But that didnt stop me from freaking out. It was all making sense to me now, the
way Edward had seemed troubled and distant the last couple of times we had been
talking. What I failed to understand, though, was why he hadnt just told me the
truth. Unless...
I nearly groaned out loud when I recalled Edward telling me that he didnt want to
upset me. So that was why? He had been keeping it all inside just so I wouldnt
worry? I felt a lump in my throat, and my heart broke for him. Didnt he realize by
now that I would do anything to take his pain away? We really needed to have that
talk, and soon.
Phils voice interrupted my thoughts. Are you ready? We better hurry. I gave
him a look of confusion, and he clarified, Your plane leaves in less than three
hours, Bella. If were going to visit Renes grave, we need to get going.
Oh. Right. My heart sank. There was still that. He gave me a sympathetic look,
and I forced a smile. Lets go, then. We need to get flowers. He nodded and
grabbed his car keys, and we were out the door.
After making a quick stop at the flower shop, Phil headed straight for the
cemetery, which wasnt more than a ten-minutes drive from the house. He led the
way to the familiar head stone, stood there in silence for a moment, and then
carefully touched my shoulder, telling me he would be waiting by the car.
I nodded, grateful to get some privacy, and sank down on the soft grass in front of
the grave. Hi, Mom, I whispered, tears welling up in my eyes and spilling down
my cheeks as I ran my hand softly over the cold stone. I could feel the beginning
of a headache, almost like a warning, and was happy I had remembered to bring
my pills. Still, something kept me from taking one.
Instead I took a deep breath, and started talking about what was going on in my
life. The first time I had come here, a few days after the funeral, I had just been
sitting in silence for hours. It had seemed weird and unnatural, talking to a stone,
but now, I couldnt help but feel like my mom was actually around, listening.
It was a nice feeling, and it wasnt until later that I realized the pain had stopped
before it had really started. The small bottle of pills remained in my pocket,
untouched.

For some reason, it didnt feel strange - or awkward - at all, telling my mom about
me and Edward. I told her all about how much he meant to me, how much I
missed him, and I just knew she and Edward would have liked each other if they
had ever gotten the chance to meet in person.
Ill be back, Mom, I promised as I finally got to my feet, brushing the grass off
my clothes. And some day, Ill try to bring Edward. I couldnt help but hope that
- some day - Edward would get past his phobia of crowded places, at least enough
to be able to get on a plane. There was a whole world out there, and I wished we
would both get a chance to see it.
I had always wanted to go to Venice, for one thing.
When I got back to the car, I asked Phil if he would mind me walking back instead
of riding with him. There was still about an hour and a half before I had to be at
the airport, and my bag was already packed and waiting in the trunk. It wouldnt
take me more than half an hour tops to get back to the house on foot, and to be
honest, I wanted some time to clear my head before I would have to say goodbye,
not only to Phil, but to my old life as well.
Luckily, Phil seemed to understand, because he just nodded in acceptance and told
me wed meet up back at the house.
It felt good to walk, feeling the warm breeze in my hair and the sun on my bare
arms, but my thoughts immediately drifted back to Edward. I had already called
him at least half a dozen times today, and my fingers itched to just pick up my
phone and give it another try, but the rational part of me told me that Edward
would get back to me when he was ready.
Picking up my speed, I tried convincing myself that things would be okay, that it
was pointless to get myself so worked up when there was absolutely nothing I
could do from here. But I couldnt keep myself from worrying anyway. I was only
a couple of blocks from the house when I was snapped out of my troubled
thoughts by a familiar voice, calling out my name, and my eyes widened in
disbelief.
You have got to be kidding me!
I spun around, glaring at Jacob in exasperation. Are you stalking me now? Why
wont you just leave me alone?
Having half expected one of his usual cocky remarks, I was a bit taken aback
when he actually appeared to be ashamed. No, I wasnt stalking you. I was just

hoping to run into you again. I opened my mouth, but he cut me off, Bella, I
know you probably hate me, but I couldnt just let you go back to Forks without
seeing you again. I need you to know that I really am sorry about what happened.
You just never change, do you? I closed my eyes briefly, and when I spoke up
again, I was surprised to hear that my voice sounded almost calm. I thought I told
you not to ask for my forgiveness again, but as always, you dont listen. Its still
all about what you need. You need to grow up, Jake, and realize you cant always
have it your way. Life doesnt work like that.
As much as I wanted to yell at him, possibly punch him again, or at the very least
tell him to just go to hell, it suddenly seemed meaningless to waste any more
energy on arguing with him. I knew what was important to me, and Jacob Black
meant nothing.
I know that, he muttered, looking down at his feet. I just dont want you to be
mad at me anymore.
You dont want... I shook my head, struggling to keep my patience, because he
still didnt get it. What about what I want, Jake? Maybe I want to be mad at you,
ever think of that?
Well, you shouldnt. He raised his head. Im not worth the effort.
I blinked in shock, because I hadnt expected that. Of course, that didnt mean I
didnt agree. Youre right about that, I mumbled. He looked at me as if I had
actually hurt his feelings, and to my irritation, I felt a bit bad. Look, I sighed, I
dont really hate you, even though I probably should. Maybe some day Ill be able
to forgive you, but Im not there yet. If you cant accept that, well, frankly, I dont
care.
He nodded. Fair enough. A pause. I hope your new boyfriend treats you better
than I did, Bella. I mean it.
I fought the urge to roll my eyes, because I wouldnt put it past him to just say
what he thought I wanted to hear.
Jacob tilted his head to the side. So, this is really goodbye, then. I mean, I
probably wont see you again, right? There was a hint of genuine sadness in his
voice, and for some reason, I almost felt for him. Maybe he truly regretted his
actions after all.
No, I dont think so, I told him honestly. After a brief moment of hesitation, I

added, Well, take care.

You too, Bella. The corner of his mouth twitched, and a familiar smirk appeared
on his face. I promise I wont try to kiss you this time. I like my face intact.
This time, I did roll my eyes. Goodbye, Jake.
Goodbye, Bella. I turned and walked away from him, knowing he was watching
me, but I didnt look back once.
It was time to go home.
OoO
EPOV
I was a fucking wreck. If the last couple of days had been bad, it was nothing
compared to how I felt Monday morning - the day I had dreaded for weeks. I had
been lying awake most of the night, tossing and turning in my bed, and when I
finally did manage to drift off, my sleep had been far from peaceful.
As much as I wanted to call Bella first thing in the morning, I couldnt bring
myself to do it. I knew the moment I would hear her voice, I would most likely
break down and tell her everything, because there was no way I would be able to
hide my fear of Victorias upcoming visit from her, and I didnt want Bella to
know just how freaked out I really was, when I was certain it would just upset her.
So I did the only thing I could think off - I turned my phone off, and felt like the
biggest ass in the world for avoiding her like a fucking coward. I could only hope
she would understand and forgive me.
Carlisle had tried to give me another one of his pep talks during breakfast when I
flat out refused to eat anything, the mere thought of food making my stomach turn.
But the warning look I gave him obviously made him decide against it, and he fell
silent, leaving me to wallow in anxiety and self-pity.
Esme tried as well, sitting down next to me and asking in a gentle voice if there
was anything she could do, and I had snapped at her, pretty much telling her to
leave me the fuck alone. She didnt appear to be angry, nor hurt by my harsh
words, instead she just offered me a sad smile and gave my arm a soft squeeze
before getting up again, and I felt even worse.

But I couldnt accept any comfort from either of them, knowing that if I did, I
would fall apart and start bawling like a terrified little kid, making a complete fool
of myself in front of all of them. So I lashed out instead, not knowing any other
way to handle the situation, even though I knew perfectly well it was wrong.
Alice and Emmett didnt even attempt to talk to me, pretty much eating their
breakfast in silence and trying to act like nothing was wrong, and for that I was
grateful. As soon as they were done, they practically fled the kitchen, and I
couldnt blame them - the tension in the room was so thick, you could cut it with a
fucking knife.
All because of me.
The next couple of hours flew by, and at the same time, it was the longest morning
of my life. When the doorbell finally rang, I didnt know whether to run, cry, or
throw up. But somehow, I managed to refrain from doing either. Instead I
remained frozen on the spot as Carlisle went to get the door and let Victoria Masen
into the house.
Fuck, I didnt want to do this. And I knew I didnt have any choice. Last time or
not, I was still in for hours of pure hell.
I barely remember leaving the kitchen and going into Carlisles office, but thats
where I found myself a few minutes later. Victoria hadnt changed a bit since the
last time I saw her - her hair was still red and long, her skin pale, and her eyes cold
and emotionless. She smiled at me - maybe it was meant to break the ice, seeing
how Carlisle was still in the room - but it did nothing to lessen my rising
apprehension.
How are you, Edward? she asked in a polite voice, although I was pretty sure
she couldnt care less, so I didnt bother to respond. Instead I just folded my arms
protectively across my chest, giving her a cold look. I would answer her questions
one more time, because there was clearly no getting around it, but nothing could
bring me to make with the fucking small talk.
Of course, she knew this. I wouldnt open my mouth unless I had to.
Carlisle cleared his throat, looking anything but comfortable. Lets get this over
with, shall we? Edward, you know-
Youll be right outside. Whatever, I cut him off, not looking at him, because I
didnt want to see the guilt in his eyes for putting me through this again. When I

was younger, I used to hate him and Esme for leaving me alone with this woman,
even though I never dared to complain, convinced I didnt have the right. As I
grew older, I learned that Carlisle didnt have any more say in the matter than I
did.
He didnt know this, but I had overheard him and Esme talking in the hallway
outside my room, four or five years ago, when they thought I was asleep and
wouldnt hear them. I assumed they had come to check on me - seeing how Id
thrown one of my usual tantrums, followed by the meltdown that was always the
aftermath of Victorias visits - and unable to handle their concern, I pretended to
be sleeping.
Although I figured they were trying to keep their voices down, I had heard every
word.
Hasnt he been through enough already? Esmes voice was thick, like she was
close to tears. I cant take this anymore, Carlisle. I cant watch him go through
this again. The adoption is supposed to be final. Why wont the Social Services
just leave us alone?
You know why. Carlisles reply was short, relentless. This is how its going to
be. They will keep making annual visits until Edward turns eighteen, and thereby
will legally be considered an adult. I dont like it anymore than you do, but theres
nothing any of us can do about it. You know as well as I do that if we dont agree
to this, we wont be accepted as adoptive parents.
There was a moment of silence, and then Esme spoke up again, You still blame
me, dont you? If I hadnt-
Dont do this, Esme. Carlisle lowered his voice, but I could still hear him as he
went on, Whats done is done. If youre to blame for what happened, then so am
I.
I had never understood exactly what they meant by that, but to be honest, I didnt
really care. It didnt seem important, anyway. I obviously had no choice but to do
this once a year, or I wouldnt get to stay. Simple as that.
So... Victorias shrill voice snapped me out of my memories, and I involuntarily
flinched. Its been another year. Doesnt time just seem to fly by? I figured it
was a rhetorical question, so I just looked at her blankly. She started flipping
through the pile of papers she kept in front of her, and then put them down again,
stating, I doubt Ill be needing these. I frowned, but remained silent.

For a moment, she just looked at me, an unreadable expression on her face. Then
she sighed. Well, Edward, after today, I dont think well be seeing each other
again, although Im pretty sure you wont miss me too much. I raised a brow,
thinking it was the understatement of the fucking year.
Tell me something... There was something eerie about the way she kept staring
at me, and I couldnt help but shudder. I told myself to relax, that after today, she
would no longer hold any power over me. So I forced myself to meet her eyes as
she continued, Youve been living in this house for almost seven years now. Are
you happy here? Do you consider yourself a Cullen?
I blinked in surprise, taken aback by the question. I guess, I mumbled,
awkwardly.
She was quiet for a couple of seconds. What about your biological mother? After
all these years, what does she mean to you?
Feeling my throat tighten, I swallowed and gave her a hard look. Nothing.
I see. She paused, and when she went on, it was with a trace of determination on
her face, like she had just made up her mind about something. Im going to let
you in on a secret, Edward. Elizabeth and I go way back.
My eyes widened and I stared at her, not sure I had heard her correctly. What do
you mean? I whispered. I hated the way my voice was trembling, and I felt my
heart beating faster.
The laugh that escaped her could only be described as bitter. She never knew I
existed, at least not until I got involved in your case. But I knew her. Seeing the
stunned look on my face, she went on, Not personally, of course. I never actually
talked to her. But that doesnt change anything - the fact still remains. I just kept
staring at her, not understanding what she was telling me.
She looked me right in the eyes, and for the first time ever, I thought I could hear a
hint of pain in her voice. To me, Elizabeth will always be the woman who took
my husband away from me.

Chapter 78
EPOV

To me, Elizabeth will always be the woman who took my husband away from
me.
I felt like my head was spinning, and for a moment, I thought I was going to be
sick. Your... husband? I croaked, barely recognizing my voice. James? As the
name left my mouth, I felt a shiver run down my spine, and I didnt realize I had
started backing away until I felt the wall pressing into my back.
Hes not here. Hes back in Chicago and he cant hurt you. Hes a fucking
vegetable.
My body kept shaking, and I wrapped my arms protectively around myself.
James? There was a hint of genuine surprise in Victorias voice. Then
understanding seemed to dawn on her, and she shook her head impatiently. No,
not James. A pause. Did Elizabeth ever tell you anything about your father?
My...? The word got stuck in my throat and I swallowed hard, shaking my head.
A part of me wanted nothing more than to just get the fuck out of the room, away
from her, but I couldnt bring myself to move. And to be perfectly honest although I would never admit it - her words had awoken a sense of morbid
curiosity inside me.
Was it possible that she knew something I didnt? And in that case, was she going
to fill me in?
My mother never talked about my biological father. James had always been
around, or at least as far back as I could remember, but he had made no secret
about the fact that he was not my real dad. I had asked my mom about it once
when I was about seven - after some kid at school had insisted that everybody had
to have two real parents, whether they lived together or not - but it hadnt gone
over well.
I remembered it clearly, because it had been one of the few times my mom had
actually yelled at me, and even after all these years, I could still hear her angry
voice ring in my head.
You dont have a father, Edward. You never did. And if you know whats good
for you, you will not ask me about this again!

I had just looked at her with large eyes, then quickly nodded in acceptance. And I
had never brought it up again.
Now I watched Victoria with a sinking feeling in my stomach, afraid of what she
was about to say, and at the same time - deep down - I actually found myself eager
to find out. I wanted to hear this, although something about the situation felt
surreal to me. Maybe that was why I had yet to freak out about the whole thing.
Victoria sighed, folding her hands in her lap, and when she started speaking, there
was something distant in her eyes. My husband and I were only eighteen when
we got married. For the first couple of years, we were living in a fairytale. She
looked up, her voice hardening, And then he met her.
It didnt take a genius to figure out who she was talking about. My mother.
Elizabeth.
He told me he was sorry. She scoffed. Sorry! He said he never intended to sleep
with her, that it had just been a drunken mistake. I would have forgiven him
eventually, because I loved him, but then it turned out Elizabeth was pregnant.
I couldnt for the life of me understand why she was telling me this, but in a way,
it was like witnessing a horrible traffic accident - you wanted to look away, but at
the same time, you just couldnt help yourself. It wasnt lost on me how she had
yet to call her husband by name, but I wasnt about to interrupt her and ask.
You look so much like him... Victoria shook her head, as if to clear it, and then
her expression turned cold again as she went on, I could tell he was excited. Of
course, he tried to hide it from me, because despite what he had done, he was not a
cruel man, and he didnt want to throw it in my face. She let out a bitter snort.
You see, that was something I could never give him. I cant have children.
I had no idea how to respond to that, so I remained silent, waiting for her to go on.
There were so many things I wanted to ask in that moment, but I couldnt sort out
my muddled thoughts enough to form the words. And even if I could, the way she
looked at me with resentment in her eyes would have been enough to keep me
from opening my mouth.
It was freezing cold in the room. Or maybe it was just me. I tried to keep my
breathing steady.
He told me he still loved me, Victoria continued absently, never taking her eyes
off me, and I felt more uncomfortable by the second. But he went on about
responsibilities, telling me he needed to be there for her, and the baby. The

accusation in her voice was palpable, impossible to ignore. So, the night you
were born, he went to the hospital to be with her.
I didnt even realize I was holding my breath. Somehow, I knew what was coming
next.
And her next words confirmed it. He never made it. Just two blocks away from
the hospital, he was hit by a truck. His car was completely demolished, and they
said he probably didnt even feel any pain. He died instantly.
This time, I was certain I was going to be sick. But nothing happened. Instead I
just kept staring at her, shocked by her revelation.
Victorias voice was distant, almost robotic, as she kept talking, Elizabeth didnt
show up at the funeral, and your birth certificate clearly says father unknown.
She paused. But I guess he must have meant something to her after all.
Obviously seeing my confusion, she clarified, She named you after him. Your
fathers name was Edward as well. Edward Sr. His last name was Masen, just like
me.
If youve known this all along, why have you never said anything before? My
voice was surprisingly calm, considering the fact that my world had just been
turned upside-down. But when Victoria seemed to ignore me, and instead just kept
watching me silently with her head tilted to the side, I exploded. Answer the
fucking question!
She snapped out of it, looking absolutely stunned by my outburst, seeing how it
was the first time I had ever raised my voice at her. But she quickly recovered.
Im the one asking the questions here, Edward. You should know that by now.
Something about her posture had changed, though, and I could suddenly sense a
hint of uncertainty in her.
Why are you telling me this now? I demanded, less composed this time. A part
of me almost hoped this was all some kind of sick joke, but deep down, I knew
that wasnt the case. I could feel my body starting to tremble again, but at the same
time, I felt strangely numb.
I thought you should know. Victoria sighed. I couldnt risk saying anything
sooner, because they might have removed me from the case, and I couldnt have
that. Not when you were my only connection to my husband... She was still
talking, an almost wistful note in her voice, but I had stopped listening, my mind
stuck on the word case.

Of course I was just a fucking case. It shouldnt come as a surprise, but hearing
her confirm it still stung. It all made sense to me now, though. All this time, she
must have resented me for indirectly being the reason behind her husbands death.
Her husband. My father.
But I didnt mean to. I never asked to be born.
Lets just finish this. She sounded tired, or maybe just bored. Technically, your
case will not be closed until the day of your eighteenth birthday, but thats just a
formality. Picking up a paper from the table in front of her, she then gave me an
expectant look. I only have a few questions - if you could just respond as
accurately and honestly as you can - and then Ill be out of your life.
I blinked, staring at her in disbelief. Was she fucking serious? She had just
dropped this huge bomb on me, and now she was acting like it was nothing, like I
should just forget it and move on? I could feel the walls slowly but surely closing
in on me, and the air was starting to feel thick and heavy, but I could not - would
not - break down and have a fucking panic attack now.
Pushing myself away from the wall, I struggled to pull some air into my lungs.
Then I glared at her. Im done answering your fucking questions. I want you to
leave.
She looked taken aback, and for a moment, I almost expected her to obey. But then
she shook her head. Lets just be mature about this, Edward. I know youve never
liked me. But I assure you - all this time, I have only been doing my job. I never
deliberately set out to hurt you, and Im truly sorry about what happened to you.
Dont you see? In a way, were both victims.
I stubbornly shook my head - her words meant absolutely nothing to me. Get
out, I managed to get out between gritted teeth. When she didnt move, I kicked
the nearest object within reach - which happened to be a chair - causing it to fall
over, and yelled, Get the fuck out! Her eyes widened and she slowly got to her
feet, but other than that, she remained where she was.
That was when Carlisle came bursting into the room. His eyes immediately landed
on me, the concern evident on his face, and aside from a brief look in Victorias
direction, he ignored her completely and walked straight up to me. Edward?
He tried to put his hand on my shoulder, but I backed away without thinking,
never taking my eyes off the red-haired woman in front of me. I want. Her. To
fucking. Leave! I hissed, clenching my fist so hard that my hand started to throb.

Carlisles eyes darkened and he stepped in front of me. Mrs. Masen... he started,
but she cut him off.
Were not quite done yet. Her voice was low, strained.
Closing his eyes for a moment, Carlisle then straightened up and took a step
forward, holding up his hand to prevent her from interrupting again. What else do
you need? Do you have any more papers for me to sign? In that case, just hand
them over. Then I want you off my property.
Victoria opened her mouth, then closed it again, a shocked expression on her face.
Thats not how the system works, Dr. Cullen. You know as well as I do-
The system? Carlisle gave her a look of exasperation. Frankly, Mrs. Masen, I
dont give a damn about the system. As far as Im concerned, we are done.
She shook her head, and when she spoke up again, she sounded almost regretful.
Im afraid thats not up to you to decide.
You listen to me. There was a hint of authority in Carlisles voice that I couldnt
remember ever hearing before. You are in my house, not by invitation, but
because of a demand made by people above both our heads. But Esme and I have
kept our end of the bargain, and we have done everything that has been required of
us. This ends now. I want you to leave me and my family alone.
I took the opportunity to slip out of the room. Esme was waiting outside the door,
and I almost walked right into her. Her eyes were glistening with tears, and she
reached out a shaky hand towards my face. Sweetie, are you...? Her voice trailed
off as I walked past her without a word, and I could feel the hurt and confusion
radiate from her as she called out my name, but I didnt stop.
Somehow, it was like I had spent the last hour or so in a bubble - I had been there,
I had heard everything Victoria had told me, but at the same time, it was like she
had been talking to someone else. Now I could feel reality starting to come
crashing down on me, it was all starting to sink in. And I just had to get away
before I lost it.
As much as I wanted to shrug the whole thing off as a lie or a misunderstanding, I
couldnt fool myself. As far as I was concerned, Victoria was a cold-hearted bitch,
but she wasnt crazy. I doubted she would be stupid enough to make something
like that up and expect to get away with it - there should be ways to verify her
story, which she had to be aware of.

It had to be true, then. Victoria Masen had been married to my biological father,
who had died the same night I was born, on his way to the hospital to see my
mother - and me.
I didnt remember going upstairs and into my room, but when I snapped out of it
enough to take in my surroundings, I realized thats where I was. My heart was
pounding violently in my chest, and I could feel the panic linger just beneath the
surface, threatening to overcome me. I suddenly felt trapped, and was hit by an
almost desperate need to get out of the house, because the air in here was all
wrong.
It was all too fucking much. If I would just run as fast as I could, as far away as
possible, then maybe I would be able to breathe without feeling like I was
choking. I needed to get away from...
Fuck, I didnt even know what I was running from. Victoria? My past?
Myself?
It was pointless, though, because I couldnt run. In fact, I couldnt even move.
Just a minute ago, I had been so worked up I was practically vibrating, but now, it
was like my body had just stopped functioning. Suddenly I felt completely drained
of energy, and my legs seemed to have grown so heavy I wouldnt be able to take
another step. As if in slow motion, I felt my feet carrying me towards the bed, and
as soon as I hit the mattress, I curled up in a fetal position.
I felt empty, numb. Cold. Maybe this was what dying felt like. Somehow I doubted
it, though, figuring I had to just be in shock.
There was a knock on the door. Edward? Carlisles voice. I didnt respond. It
would require energy, and I didnt have any left. There were so many mixed up
thoughts in my head, and they were so fucking loud. I couldnt deal with this shit
now - I just wanted some fucking quiet.
I just wanted to sleep.
Why couldnt my life ever be simple? I wanted a fucking break.
I think I may have drifted off for a moment, only to be startled awake by another
knock, a little louder this time. Edward, are you all right? A pause. Shes gone
now, son. Can I come in?

No. Go away. Please.

While I realized he and Esme were probably worried about me, I couldnt bring
myself to care. I didnt want to talk, not now. I was so fucking tired. Bella would
understand. I wanted Bella. But she was more than a thousand miles away. I found
myself wondering if she would ever come back.
I could hear voices outside my room, although I tried to tune them out. My mind
kept racing, though. Carlisle had said Victoria was gone, but I didnt dare to hope
it was all over. Surely I wouldnt get away that easily - I hadnt even answered a
single fucking question. There was one last knock, followed by silence, and then I
heard the sound of footsteps out in the hallway, fading.
Obviously, they had given up. I was relieved, but at the same time, I couldnt help
but feel abandoned. The way my mind worked sometimes was a fucking mystery.
I closed my eyes, allowing sleep to claim me.
I was dreaming. It had to be a dream, because I was surrounded by trees, and I
didnt remember leaving the house. Someone was calling out my name, but I didnt
recognize the voice.
Somewhere behind me, a car was honking, and then there was the sound of
screeching tires, followed by a bloodcurdling scream. Suddenly there were voices
all around me.
Your father is dead, your father is dead.
You dont have a father. You never did.
Youre just a case, a drunken mistake.
A twig snapped, and I knew someone was following me. I tried to run, but my feet
were frozen at the spot and I couldnt move. Letting out a fearful moan, I sank to
the ground, covering my face with my arms.
When I looked up again, I was huddling in the corner of my room, James towering
above me, laughing. Victoria was standing behind him, chanting repeatedly, You
killed my husband, you killed my husband...
Get off my property, Carlisle demanded from the doorway, although he made no
motion to step into the room. He gave me a remorseful look. You have to open the

door, son. I cant help you unless you let me in.

James pulled his fist back, prepared to strike. I squeezed my eyes shut, bracing
myself for the pain that never came.
And then, suddenly, I was sitting up in my bed. James was gone, and Bella was
standing in the doorway. Her lips were moving, and I realized she was talking to
me, but I couldnt understand what she was saying. I tried to tell her to speak
louder, but I was so tired I couldnt get the words out. She moved towards me, and
I struggled to reach out to her, but my body wouldnt obey me.
It wasnt real. Bella wasnt here.
She sat on the bed.
Any moment now, I would wake up, and she would be gone. This was just a
dream.
Her hands were in my hair.
I was so fucking tired. But I was afraid to close my eyes, knowing that if I did,
Bella would disappear.
Edward, she whispered, and it was the most beautiful sound I had ever heard. I
would have told her so, if I hadnt been so utterly exhausted.
I could smell her sweet, familiar scent of strawberries and vanilla, and nearly
sobbed. It was so fucking real.
But she wasnt really here. She couldnt be.
She repeated my name, softly, and I suddenly didnt care if it was real or not.
I put my head down in her lap, and for the moment, I was at peace.

Chapter 79
BPOV
Today had been one of the longest days of my life, and at the same time, the last

couple of hours had just seemed to fly by. Saying goodbye to Phil, the flight to
Seattle and then to Port Angeles, Charlie picking me up at the airport with his
cruiser - it was all just a bunch of muddled images in my mind, because the only
thing I could think of was Edward.
When I begged my dad to take me straight to the Cullens, I had expected him to
put up a fight, insisting Id come home with him, so I was fully prepared to stand
up to him and argue for my point, because one way or another, I was going to see
Edward tonight. I would sneak out of the house once he had gone to bed if
necessary, although I hoped it wouldnt come to that.
I was both relieved and pleasantly surprised when Charlie agreed. In fact, he didnt
even object, just mumbled something about how he figured he was not the reason I
had decided to come home early. When he dropped me off, I spontaneously gave
him a hug and told him I loved him. It was good to be home.
It didnt occur to me until I was already standing on the front porch, ringing the
doorbell, that it might have been a good idea to call first and let the Cullens know I
was coming. After all, it was already past eight. When the door swung open and
Carlisle was standing in the doorway, looking at me in confusion, I knew I should
have called ahead.
Maybe I had just interrupted a private family moment. What if he told me to leave
and come back in the morning? I forced a nervous smile. Hi, Carlisle.
Hello, Bella. He didnt step back to allow me to enter, which I took as a bad
sign. Arent you supposed to be in Arizona? I didnt expect to see you until
tomorrow.
I came back early. I bit my lip. Im sorry for showing up this late. I just... I
wrung my hands. Hows Edward?
He sighed, but didnt appear to be angry. Why dont you come in?
Thank you. I let out the breath I had been holding, gratefully stepping inside.
Carlisle closed the door behind me. So... I then started, but he held up a hand to
stop me.
Ill be honest with you, Bella. Edwards had a rough day. I dont know if youve
talked to him today...? he gave me a questioning look, and I shook my head.
I talked to Alice this morning, I admitted. She said something about a social
worker... I hesitated, not wanting him to think I was fishing for information, when

all I could care about was whether or not Edward was okay. But as much as I
wanted to just excuse myself and go look for him, I didnt want to be rude.
Besides, I knew I needed to hear Carlisle out. Not to mention that it was probably
wise to find out what to expect when I did get to see Edward.
Yes. Carlisle looked me right in the eyes, and while he sounded calm, I didnt
miss the hint of pain in his voice. Weve had a visit from the Social Services
today, and although it didnt come as a surprise to any of us, these things are never
easy, least of all for Edward. He paused. Has he mentioned anything about this
to you?
I reluctantly shook my head. I could tell something was bothering him, though. I
asked him about it, but he just told me hed explain when I got back. He... I
swallowed. He said he didnt want to upset me.
I see. Carlisle was quiet for a moment. Well, Edward has made it perfectly
clear that he wants to be left alone, but something tells me that wouldnt include
you. You may go and see him, but I must ask you to-
I nodded before he could finish. If he doesnt want me there, Ill leave. It would
kill me, but if that was what Edward wanted, I would respect his wishes.
A couple of minutes later, I found myself standing outside Edwards room. I was
just about to knock when I heard a door open behind me, and a soft voice called
out my name. Bella. Youre back. Esme walked up to me, smiling as she gave
me a hug, but just like Carlisle, there was pain in her eyes.
Throwing a wistful look at Edwards door, I then turned back to her and returned
the hug. Hi, Esme. Yeah, I just got here. Its good to see you.
She nodded in agreement. You have no idea. When she spoke up again, she
sounded really tired. Hes asleep, Bella. Ive been checking on him every fifteen
minutes or so, but hes been out for hours. A pause. Its been a long, hard day.
Yeah, I heard. I felt a lump in my throat. Can I please go to him? I promise not
to bother him, I just wanna be there if he wakes up. Please? I knew I was
practically begging, but I didnt care.
She gave me a sad smile. Of course, honey. Im sure hed be happy to know
youre back. Her smile faded. Just let him sleep for as long as he can. He needs
his rest. I nodded. Esme gave my hand a squeeze, and then left. I took a deep
breath before finally knocking softly on the door, not wanting to wake him up if he

was sleeping, but it seemed wrong to just barge in.

I waited a few seconds, but didnt hear anything, so I carefully pushed the door
open and peeked inside. Immediately spotting Edwards still form on the bed, I
was facing another dilemma - would he be startled if he woke up to find he was
not alone in the room? I pushed my worries to the side and quietly stepped through
the doorway.
For a couple of minutes, I just stood there, watching him. He looked peaceful
enough in his sleep, but I wasnt fooled. I prayed that - no matter what had
happened with that social worker - Edward wouldnt suffer any major set-backs in
his progress, because he had come so far, and I couldnt stand the thought of him
retreating back into himself and starting to push everyone away again.
Seriously, where was the justice in all of this? Hadnt he been through enough
already?
My entire body ached to just slip into the bed with Edward and snuggle up beside
him, wrap myself around him and never let go, but I didnt want to risk disturbing
him. I had promised Esme I wouldnt wake him up, and to be honest, I knew she
meant it when she said he needed his rest. My poor baby. He had to be exhausted.
I was so caught up in my thoughts, I didnt notice at first when Edward started to
stir on the bed. But suddenly he sat up with a start, facing my direction, and I
instinctively raised my hands in a calming gesture, not wanting to freak him out
with my presence. Its okay, baby, its just me, I told him quietly, waiting for
some sign of recognition from him, but he just kept looking at me, clearly
disoriented.
As I took a hesitant step closer, I realized that while Edward was looking straight
at me, he appeared to be far away, as if he wasnt really there with me, and I found
myself wondering if he was even awake at all. Edward? I whispered, slowly
moving towards the bed as I didnt know what else to do.
He seemed to be staring at something in the distance, something only he could see,
but when I once again called out his name, his eyes narrowed slightly and his head
tilted to the side, as if he was listening, or at least trying to. I swallowed hard,
finally reaching the edge of the bed, and sat down as carefully as I could.
Slowly, slowly, I reached out my hand, fully prepared to pull back if he showed
any sign of being startled, but when he didnt move, I took a deep breath and ran
my fingers gently through his hair. Hey, Im back, I managed to get out, my eyes
stinging with tears.

When he didnt respond, just kept looking at me with the same absent expression
on his face, I forced back a sob and continued stroking his hair, willing him to
snap out of it and come back to me.
He had barely moved an inch since I sat next to him, but all of a sudden, he shifted
and lay back down, only this time, he curled up close to me and put his head down
to rest in my lap. Other than that, he did no attempt of touching me. When I
glanced at his face, I saw that his eyes were open, but I got the feeling he still
wasnt completely aware of what was happening. The tears started spilling down
my cheeks.
Never removing my fingers from his hair, I leaned in to whisper words of comfort
and sweet nonsense into his ear, assuring him that everything would be all right,
even though I had no idea whether or not it was true, or if he could even hear me.
But at least he seemed somewhat calm, so I figured in that moment, it didnt really
matter.
More than an hour had passed, Edward remaining in the same position with his
head in my lap, neither speaking nor moving, and if it wasnt for the fact that he
had yet to close his eyes, I would have thought he had simply gone back to sleep.
His breathing was even and steady, but his posture was tense, and I wondered what
was going on inside his head.
To tell the truth, a part of me was afraid to find out.
Esme peeked her head into the room at one point, quietly informing me that
Carlisle had just gotten off the phone with my father, and that I was welcome to
spend the night. While I was surprised Charlie had agreed, I wasnt about to argue,
because the last thing I wanted was to be forced to leave Edwards side right now.
So I just gave her a grateful smile and mouthed a thank you.
As much as I wanted to find out exactly what had happened today, I knew I was
just going to have to be patient. This was not the time to still my own curiosity Edward needed me. So I just kept patting him gently and mumbling soothingly, all
the while struggling to keep my emotions under control.
Finally - after what seemed like an eternity - Edward spoke up, his voice barely
more than a whisper. Bella?
Im here, baby, Im right here, I assured him, leaning in to brush my lips against
his temple.

He didnt speak again for a couple of minutes, and I feared he was shutting down
again, but then he asked in a raspy voice, What day is it?
I frowned, but then I realized he was probably just confused since, technically, I
shouldnt be here. As far as he was concerned, I should still be in Phoenix - he had
no idea I had taken an earlier flight. Its still Monday, baby. I came home early. I
swallowed. I missed you.
He just mumbled something unintelligible, then fell silent again, and I figured he
was taking a moment to process my words. Thankfully, he seemed more aware
now, but he made no motion to move. Of course, I didnt mind at all. I opened my
mouth to ask him if he was okay, but then I decided against it, because it seemed
like such a stupid question.
Instead I reached for his hand, holding it gently in mine. Its late, I murmured.
Just close your eyes and go back to sleep. Im not going anywhere. He shook his
head in protest, but after a few minutes, I watched how his eyes finally fluttered
closed.
As slowly and carefully as I could - because I hated to disturb him - I shifted on
the bed, one inch at a time, intending to find a more comfortable position. It
seemed like Edward was still at least semi-conscious, seeing how he helpfully
lifted his head, allowing me to slide down next to him.
I must have been more tired than I realized, because the only thing I remembered
after that was slipping my arms around him and pressing my cheek gently against
the top of his head.
The next thing I knew, it was morning, at least according to the digital numbers on
Edwards alarm clock. It was still dark in the room, though, and I realized it was
because all the lights were off. I blinked in confusion, certain they had been on
before I fell asleep, but then I vaguely recalled hearing the door open and close at
some point.
That was when I also became aware of the soft blanket, covering both me and
Edward, and I realized someone - my bets were on Esme - must have entered the
room last night to check on us. I felt my cheeks flush. When she had told me I
could spend the night, I doubted she had meant in Edwards bed. Not that I had
wanted to sleep anyplace else, but I was still slightly embarrassed by being caught.
Then again, seeing how Edward was still sleeping, seemingly peacefully in my
arms, I figured maybe Esme wouldnt mind after all. I mean, surely she couldnt
possibly have expected us to do anything inappropriate. At least that was what I

told myself.
I really needed to pee, and I was relieved when Edward started to stir next to me.
That was until I remembered what had happened the last time we woke up
together in the same bed, and suddenly I didnt know whether to just slip out of the
bed as quietly as possible, or try to wake him up and hope for the best. The last
thing either of us needed this morning was any more drama.
But it turned out my worries had been unnecessary. Edwards eyes suddenly
snapped open and he let out a fearful gasp, looking around the room in panic, and I
instinctively knew the chances of him finding himself in a similar... situation as the
last time was next to non-existent.
I barely got the chance to react, let alone do something, before his eyes landed on
me and he blinked a couple of times, clearly not convinced I was actually there.
Bella? he then asked huskily, his face a mixture of hope and doubt. I tried to
smile - although I realized it probably looked more like a grimace - and placed my
hand softly on his chest.
The relief on his face was so obvious I nearly burst into tears.
Youre here, he mumbled then, sounding as if he still couldnt quite believe it.
Yeah, Im right here, baby, I whispered, repeating my words from last night. A
ghost of a smile appeared on his face, and he let out a shuddering breath. Although
I really didnt want to go, I knew I didnt have much choice, so I gave him a
regretful look. Im just gonna go use the bathroom, okay? Well talk when I get
back.
Edward nodded, but when I started to get up, he reached out and grabbed my arm,
preventing me from leaving. I stopped, giving his hand a reassuring squeeze, and
felt him relax a little. Just hurry, he pleaded, his eyes searching mine as if
looking for some sign that I wouldnt just disappear into thin air the moment I left
the room.
I felt my eyes well up again, but I forced a smile and nodded. Ill be right back.
He seemed satisfied by my words and released my arm, and I - most reluctantly left the bed.
When I got out in the hallway, I nearly tripped over a pile of neatly folded clothes
that someone had left just outside Edwards door. As I was about to step past it, my
eyes landed on a note on top with my name scribbled on it, and I frowned, bending
down to pick it up. It was from Alice.

The clothes were obviously for me, and she also informed me that there would be
a new toothbrush for me to use, as well as some clean towels so I could take a
shower. As much as I wanted to get back to Edward right away, the thought of a
warm shower and clean clothes was too tempting to resist, so I hurried to the
bathroom across the hall, intending to make it as quick as possible.
It seemed like the entire Cullen family was aware of the fact that I had spent the
night in Edwards room. Strangely enough, I couldnt bring myself to care.
The feeling of hot water against my skin was absolutely heavenly so I remained in
the shower a little longer than I had planned, but finally I turned the faucet off and
reached for one of the large, fluffy towels, quickly dried myself off and slipped
into the clothes Alice had been kind enough to let me borrow. Then I brushed my
teeth before heading back to Edwards room.
The door was open and I could hear muffled voices coming from inside. When I
peeked into the room, I immediately spotted Carlisle, sitting on the edge of
Edwards bed and talking to him quietly. I remained in the doorway, hesitating.
But Edward suddenly raised his head and looked past Carlisle, as if he had sensed
my presence.
Carlisle turned to look at me over his shoulder, and I gave him a somewhat
awkward wave. Um, hi. I mean, good morning.
Good morning, Bella, he responded softly, smiling at me, although I didnt miss
how he glanced at Edward, and I instantly knew I had been interrupting
something.
Ill just go see if Esme needs any help downstairs, I offered quickly, and he gave
me a grateful look. Edward on the other hand visibly tensed up, and he didnt look
too pleased. But it was obvious to me that Carlisle wished to speak with him in
private, so I pushed my own disappointment aside, knowing that Edward and I
would just have to wait with our talk until later. Maybe it was just as well.
We definitely had a lot to talk about. And I had a feeling it wasnt going to be
pretty.

Chapter 80
EPOV

Even though I vaguely recalled Bellas voice telling me she came back early, and
even though I had just woken up and she was apparently still right next to me, a
part of me was afraid to believe it was real. It just seemed too good to be true - me
waking up from a nightmare, only to find my girl curled up in bed with me.
She was gone now, though, having left to go to the bathroom, and I desperately
hoped she wouldnt be long. As pathetic as I felt for practically begging her to
hurry back, I just couldnt help myself. If it was real and Bella had come back to
me, I didnt want to waste another second being apart from her.
And if it was a dream, well, then I really didnt want to wake up.
A soft knock on the door brought me out of the reverie, and I looked up to see
Carlisle standing in the doorway. He had a worried look on his face, although I
could tell he was trying to hide it. Good morning, Edward. How are you feeling?
All right, I mumbled as I threw the blanket off and sat up, hesitating a little
before adding, Bellas here. The way the corner of his mouth curled into a smile
and he nodded made the last of my doubts go away - she really was. I let out the
breath I hadnt been aware of holding.
Yes, he confirmed, watching me thoughtfully before asking, May I come in for
a moment? I held back a sigh and nodded, swinging my legs over the edge of the
bed and grimaced as I stretched my sore muscles.
I really needed to stop falling asleep in my jeans - it was definitely not the most
comfortable sleeping attire.
Thank you. He gave me a grateful look as he stepped inside, leaving the door
open behind him. It was something he had always done when entering my room,
no questions asked, obviously knowing I didnt feel comfortable with the door
closed, unless it was on my terms.
About yesterday... he started then, his eyes searching mine. As much as I wish I
could tell you its over... Well, I asked Mrs. Masen to leave, and believe me, if it
was up to me, she would never set her foot in this house again. However...
Carlisle let out a sigh. Edward, can you tell me what happened? What did she say
or do to upset you like that?
I shrugged and looked away, nowhere near ready to have this conversation. But
there was something that had been nagging at the back of my mind, and I had to

know. Did you know about...? I began tentatively, then stopped, unable to get
the words out. Fuck, I couldnt do this.
When I couldnt bring myself to finish, Carlisle tilted his head to the side in
question, his eyes full of concern, and I knew he wasnt going to just let it go.
Know about what? I remained silent. Edward, you can talk to me. Please?
I wrapped my arms protectively around myself, refusing to meet his eyes. She
told me... It was all coming back to me, and I closed my eyes for a moment,
willing Victorias voice to go away. She told me... who she was married to:
Silence. I reluctantly raised my head. Carlisle was looking at me with a blank
expression on his face. Then he slowly shook his head. Im sorry, son, I dont
understand. Why would she mention anything about her personal life? Id say its
highly irrelevant, not to mention inappropriate of her to... He paused. Did you
say was married? I nodded.
Knowing he was waiting for me to go on explaining, I gulped, feeling how my
hands were starting to tremble. She said... that she was married to my... I inhaled
shakily, ...biological father. Edward Sr. I felt cold sweat breaking out on my
forehead, and swallowed before adding, Masen.
I watched how Carlisle froze dead in his tracks, and for a moment, I almost
thought he had stopped breathing. When he finally spoke up, his voice was barely
more than a whisper and his face ashen. What did you just say? Is this some kind
of joke? I opened my mouth, but he held up a hand to stop me. Im sorry, I
didnt mean to make it sound like I dont believe you, but... This doesnt make any
sense.
Fucking tell me about it.
As in slow motion, Carlisle made his way over to me and sat down on the bed,
never taking his eyes off me. Edward, are you absolutely certain you understood
her correctly? Maybe-
I cut him off, the words leaving my mouth before I realized I had spoken at all,
She said my mother took her husband away from her. That he got her pregnant by
accident and then died the night I was born, when he was on his way to see her.
My eyes were starting to sting and I felt a lump in my throat, although I wasnt
really sure why.
Edward... Carlisle took a deep breath, and I got the feeling he was trying to
compose himself. Listen to me. I dont know if this is true or not, but I can find

out. Do you want me to do that? I just shrugged, because I had no idea how to
respond, and besides, I didnt trust my voice to hold if I tried to speak.
What happened next was that I felt a sudden wave of calmness coming over me. I
instinctively turned my eyes to the doorway and spotted Bella standing there,
looking somewhat uncertain. When Carlisle cast a look over his shoulder, she
smiled nervously and gave him a little wave. Um, hi. I mean, good morning.
Good morning, Bella. Carlisle returned her smile, then turned to look at me, and
I could see the conflict in his eyes. No doubt would he leave if I asked him to, but
I didnt want to hurt his feelings. Besides, no matter how I felt about it, we had yet
to finish our conversation.
It was also obvious to me that hed been completely oblivious to what I had just
told him, and he deserved more than me just dropping a bomb like this on him and
then telling him to leave my room so I could be alone with my girlfriend. After
everything he had done for me over the years, I owed him better than that, even
though my entire body was aching for Bellas touch and comfort.
When Bella said she would go downstairs, clearly intending to give me and
Carlisle some privacy, I almost begged her to stay. But somehow, I managed to
refrain myself from making an even bigger fool of myself. In a way, I hated how
clingy and needy I had become when it came to Bella, but she made everything
easier. Better.
She made me feel like less of a fuck-up, and more like someone who was actually
worthy of her. Whether or not it was true.
As soon as Bella was out of sight, Carlisle turned back to me. Are you going to
explain to Bella what went on here yesterday? I know its none of my business, I
just... his voice trailed off.
Yeah, Ill try. I meant it. That didnt mean I was looking forward to it, though. I
hated having to talk about anything related to my past, but no matter what I did, I
never seemed able to escape it, and I feared it would just keep haunting me for the
rest of my life.
He nodded in acceptance. I think thats a good idea. Just do your best. Shell
understand. I could only hope he was right.
When I remained quiet, he went on softly, Back to what we talked about before I have to ask. When you first mentioned what Victoria said to you, you started to
ask me if I knew about something. Edward, do you actually believe Esme and I

would have kept something like that from you, all this time?
I lowered my eyes in shame, because in all honesty, the thought had crossed my
mind. I dont know. Maybe.
He was quiet for a moment, and I was certain I had upset him. But when he spoke
up, there was no anger in his voice, only guilt. I understand. Its my fault, isnt it,
for not telling you about James being on parole? But I promise you, Edward, I
only did it to protect you. I realize now I shouldve just been straight with you, but
I honestly believed I was doing the right thing.
I nodded silently, knowing I couldnt really blame him. He was right - I wouldve
been better off believing James was still in prison. But at the same time, his
actions made me wonder what else they had been keeping from me.
The identity of your biological father has always been a mystery to us, Carlisle
continued quietly. Apparently, Elizabeth refused to put his name on your birth
certificate, and I have to admit I assumed it was because she simply didnt know
who it was.
How the fuck is that even possible? I blurted out without thinking. He opened
his mouth, but I waved my hand in dismissal and rolled my eyes. Never mind.
You never asked about him, and we figured it was just as well, seeing how we
didnt have any answers. Carlisle sighed. But Edward, there are ways to find out
whether or not Victoria was telling you the truth. The question is, do you want to
know? The decision has to be yours. Are you ready for this?
My eyes widened and I felt myself starting to panic. I-I dont know.
Thats all right. He put his hand on my arm. You dont have to decide anything
right this instant. Just take some time to think about it. I let out a shaky breath
and nodded. Carlisle looked down at his hand, still on my arm, and something
close to a smile appeared on his face. Do you even realize how far youve come?
Im so proud of you. Not long ago, you wouldve told me to fuck off by now.
I raised a brow, slightly taken aback by his use of my profanity, but knew he was
right - I would have. Funny how - now - the thought hadnt even occurred to me.
Youll be okay, son, I know you will. He patted my arm. And Edward, I dont
want you to worry about Victoria anymore - I will deal with her.
I frowned. But you said-

That was before I knew about this. His eyes darkened. What she did was most
unprofessional, and I will make sure to inform her supervisor. Trust me - she will
not come here again. A pause. Social Services might insist on sending someone
else for a final follow-up, but well cross that bridge when we get there.
While I wasnt sure I liked the sound of that, I figured it couldnt be worse than
dealing with Victoria. So I nodded.
He hesitated a little. I should probably get in touch with Dr. Weber and fill her in
on whats happened here since you last saw her. Unless, of course, youd rather do
it yourself? I could tell by his voice that he didnt expect me to say yes, but that
he wanted to give me the option.
I shrugged. Talk to her if you want. I dont care. He looked a little relieved.
Well, if Im not mistaken, you have a pretty lady eagerly waiting to see you. He
smiled. Ill leave you alone now, unless theres something else you want to talk
about? He sounded somewhat hopeful, and I felt almost bad for shaking my head.
Just remember, Edward, Im always here for you. Same goes for all of us. I hope
you realize that.
He left.
Bella reentered a moment later, hesitating briefly before stepping over to me. Are
you okay? Instead of answering, I just reached out for her, and she all but flew
into my arms. I hugged her hard, feeling her practically melt into my embrace, and
I buried my face in the crook of her neck.
She was really here.
We sat like that for a while before Bella pulled back so she could look at me.
Edward, tell me what happened.
Not now, I mumbled, tucking a strand of hair behind her ear and placing my
palm on her cheek, relishing the feeling of her soft skin against mine. Later. She
started to protest but I cut her off, praying that she would understand, Bella,
please, I just need a break from all of this. Can I just have five minutes
without...? my voice cracked. I just wanna hold you, I whispered, angry at
myself for being so weak.
But I just couldnt help myself - I really needed her right now. And I silently
thanked any gods that might be listening when I saw understanding flash in Bellas

eyes and she nodded, climbing into my lap without a word and wrapped her arms
around me. I forced back a sob when she pressed her cheek against mine, her
fingers finding their way to my hair.
I wouldve gladly stayed like that for the rest of the day - hell, the rest of my life but after a couple of minutes, I forced myself to release her and most reluctantly
pulled back. Thanks, I mumbled, looking away in shame. But she would have
none of that.
Hey... Bella cupped my cheek and gently forced me to meet her eyes. Then she
brushed her lips softly against mine. I love you. I could only nod, wanting to say
the words back, but knowing any attempt of speaking in that moment would only
cause me to start fucking blubbering. Thankfully, she seemed to understand,
because she didnt appear to be upset by my silence.
I took a couple of deep breaths, struggling to get my emotions under control.
Look, Im sorry about yesterday. I didnt mean to ignore your phone calls, I
just... I searched my mind for the right words, thinking that now would be a good
time for Bella to cut in. Of course she waited patiently for me to go on. I let out a
defeated sigh. Im sorry. It wont happen again. I prayed it was a promise I
could keep.
Edward, its okay. Bella bit her lip. Im not upset. I mean, I was, but more
worried-upset than angry-upset. She rolled her eyes. Does that even make
sense? Anyway, I got really scared when I couldnt get ahold of you. I thought...
she swallowed visibly, ...something had happened to you.
I felt like the biggest ass on the planet. Is that why you came back early?
She shrugged. Partly. But also because... her cheeks turned red, ...because I
couldnt stand another day away from you. My eyes widened in surprise at her
admission, and she shrugged helplessly. I just had to come home, Edward. Dont
you see? I had to. I nodded, because strange as it may seem, I understood
completely.
I felt exactly the same way.
Is this normal? I blurted, feeling stupid for asking but I couldnt stop myself.
Feeling like this, I mean. Fuck, Bella, I dont know how to explain it so it makes
sense. What I feel for you, its so fucking... strong. Intense. Not saying thats a bad
thing, I just I ran my fingers through my hair in frustration before giving her a
worried look. Its not bad, is it?

No, she whispered, her eyes glistening with tears, and she actually smiled a
little. I dont think its bad at all.
As soon as I found my voice again, I told her that I believed she was right.
Then I started telling Bella everything about Victoria, from the very beginning.
When I was done, my heart was beating rapidly in my chest, but other than that, I
was relatively calm. Bella was the one with tears streaming down her face,
struggling to compose herself. She was clutching both my hands tightly. Do you
believe its true? That she was married to your... she swallowed, ...father?
I shrugged, my eyes locked on our hands. Dont see why she would lie about
something like that. Besides, it would explain why shes hated me for all this
time.
Bella tensed up, and when I looked at her, I was surprised by the anger in her eyes.
No, it doesnt. Youre the kindest, most amazing person I have ever met, and
theres absolutely no logical explanation why anyone could possibly hate you,
ever.
I rolled my eyes, secretly touched by her words. Right. Tell that to Mike fucking
Newton. I bet he still cant breathe properly through his nose. I paused. Not that
I regret punching the fucker, just saying.
She tried to remain serious, but the way the corner of her mouth twitched gave her
away. When I raised a brow, she let out an amused snort. All right, all right, I
admit that youre probably not on Mikes top five list of favorite people. Does that
hurt your feelings?
Tremendously, I told her in a straight face, although she couldnt possibly miss
the sarcasm dripping from my voice. Dont know how Ill manage to go on
living. I feigned a stabbing motion to my chest. Ah, the pain!
Cute. Bella shook her head in amusement. But seriously, Edward, were getting
off the track.
Right. I instantly sobered up. Not sure what you want me to say, though.
She worried her bottom lip between her teeth. What if it is true? Has it occurred
to you that you might actually have blood relatives out there? A whole family you
never even knew existed?

What if I did? I immediately pushed the thought away. The Cullens are my
family, Bella. Then I frowned, because the words sounded strange, almost alien,
coming from my mouth. Nevertheless I did mean it.
Huh. Who wouldve fucking guessed?
Of course they are. Bella smiled softly, giving my hand a squeeze. But Edward,
arent you even the least bit curious?
I didnt respond, because I didnt know what to tell her.
Yes. No. Maybe.
I had no fucking idea.
Chapter 81
BPOV
Over the next couple of days, Edward and I spent practically all of our time
together, and I almost told him about Jake at least a dozen times. It wasnt that I
couldnt find the right opportunity, because he had asked me about my trip to
Phoenix, and I told him everything he wanted to know, willingly answered every
question he had.
But he never once asked about Jake.
To be perfectly honest, I didnt feel comfortable bringing it up myself. It wasnt
like I had done anything wrong, and I didnt really think Edward would blame me
for Jake trying to kiss me against my will, but the truth was, I was afraid of his
reaction.
The key words were against my will. I remembered how Edward had freaked out
when he thought Phil had hurt my arm on purpose, and if he got the impression even for a moment - that Jake had forced himself on me, there was no way of
knowing how he would take it. The last thing Edward needed right now was more
stress.
But at the same time, I hated the idea of keeping things from him, especially since
I had promised him we would talk about it when I got back. I just didnt want to
upset him.

The irony of that wasnt lost on me, seeing how Edward had told me the exact
same thing. Maybe we were both too worried about making the other one upset.
Deep down, I realized we couldnt always protect each other from everything,
even though I had to admit it would be nice.
It was like Edward didnt want to be the one to bring up the subject, like he was
waiting for me to make the first move. For a moment, I had played with the
thought of bringing it up at our joint therapy session with Dr. Weber, but that was
just the coward in me, wanting to stall things for as long as possible.
I had always insisted Edward and I needed to be honest with each other. But I
didnt want to just blurt it out. Hey Edward, guess what? You know that guy I told
you about, the one I punched in the face? Yeah, he tried to kiss me.
Really, really bad idea.
Edwards mood was another thing to take under consideration. While he seemed to
be calm most of the time, I wasnt fooled by his quiet appearance. He never
snapped at me if I tried to talk to him, but as much as he kept assuring me that he
was fine, I feared it was just a matter of time before reality would come crashing
down on him again.
Whether it was true or not, what that heartless woman - Victoria - had told Edward
about his father, I refused to buy that he had just accepted it and moved on. I
feared this was just the calm before the storm, and if I would unload even more on
him right now - like what happened with Jacob - it might just be too much for him
to handle.
But then there was that little voice inside my head, telling me to give Edward a
little credit. Sure, he already had a lot on his plate, but would I do him any favors
in the long run by keeping things from him?
On the other hand, would it really make him feel better knowing what Jake had
done? I would most likely - if I had anything to say about it - never see him again,
so did it even matter? Was it worth the risk of adding to Edwards distress when he
was already emotionally unstable as it was?
When I thought of it that way, the answer was a definite no. Eventually, I would
have no choice but to explain my relationship with Jake, but maybe telling Edward
about the unwanted kiss now would do more harm than good. I decided that I
wasnt going to lie if he asked me about it, but I would choose my words very
carefully.

What are you thinking about? Edward asked suddenly, and I jumped, realizing I
had become completely lost in my thoughts. We were sitting in the kitchen,
munching on homemade chocolate chip cookies that Esme had baked the other
day, and it had reminded me of Edwards failed attempt of making me cookies at
the sleep-over, which felt like years ago now.
Nothing, really, I lied, popping the last of my cookie into my mouth. Then I felt
guilty and added, Just thinking about Phoenix.
Oh. He was quiet for a moment. Your mom?
No. I sighed. Never mind. Its not important.
He opened his mouth, most likely to object, when all of a sudden, Rosalie entered
the kitchen. I hadnt even known she was in the house. Her cheeks turned slightly
red when she spotted us - something very out of character for her. She cleared her
throat, and when she spoke, she sounded nervous. Hey, guys. Dont mind me, I
was just gonna grab some sodas for me and Emmett.
I knew Emmett and Rosalie had gotten back together - Alice had informed me and while I wanted to be happy for Emmett, I honestly didnt know how to act
around Rosalie these days. According to Edward, she had apologized for her
behavior, and he appeared to be okay with her being around again, even though he
didnt exactly make any attempts of socializing with her.
Alice seemed to be happy, though, and I figured that if they could all forgive
Rosalie, then so should I. And yet, there was a part of me that couldnt forget the
hurtful comments she had dropped about Edward in the school cafeteria, even
though months had passed by now. I supposed it was something I would just have
to work on.
So I smiled, hoping it wouldnt come out as strained as if felt. There are cookies
if you want some, I offered, gesturing to the large plate Esme had left on the
kitchen counter, and watched how Rosalies eyes lit up.
Everybody loved Esmes cookies.
Emmett came bursting into the kitchen a moment later, and I found myself
wondering if he had some kind of sixth sense, telling him whenever there was any
baked goods around. The thought made me giggle, although I hurried to look
innocent when he cast a curious look in my direction. He just shrugged and
grabbed a handful of cookies.

His eyes then went from Edward to me, only to finally land on Rosalie. Did you
ask them, babe? She shook her head.
Edward - who had been silent up until now - eyed him suspiciously. What?
Shoving an entire cookie into his mouth, Emmett chewed and swallowed before
responding. Oh, Rose and I were just talking about going out for dinner tonight.
We thought you guys might want to join us? There was hope in his voice.
Glancing at Rosalie, I noted she didnt look opposed to the idea at all.
Maybe she really was coming around. I threw a questioning look at Edward, fully
convinced that he would say no, but hoping he would at least be somewhat polite
about it. Because, clearly, Emmett was trying, and - strange as the thought may
seem to me - it appeared that Rosalie was as well.
I wasnt going to speak for Edward, though - the decision was up to him. It hit me
that I was holding my breath. That was when Edward surprised the hell out of me
by turning to me, asking if I wanted to go. I felt like my brows went up so high,
they should have disappeared into my hairline, although I quickly covered up and
gave him a tentative smile. Whatever you want is fine with me.
For a moment he looked torn, like he had almost hoped I would turn the offer
down and save him the trouble of doing so himself, but then he looked at Emmett
and shrugged. I guess. Whatever. While his response wasnt overly enthusiastic,
it was far from the negative reaction I had expected.
It looked as if Rosalie wasnt the only one who was starting to come around. My
heart swelled with pride, and I gave Edward a look of pure adoration. By the look
of things, we were going on a double date tonight. Who would have thought? If
anyone had told me so a few weeks ago, I wouldnt have believed them.
But as happy as I was about the way Edwards relationship with his family was
progressing, I couldnt help but worry. To tell the truth, I was waiting for the other
shoe to drop. My instinct was telling me that - sooner or later - it would all catch
up on him and he would fall apart.
It was like he had taken Victorias revelation and locked it up inside him without
even realizing he was doing it, like it was too much for his mind to process. While
he had been completely out of it the other night - which had both pained me and
frightened me at the time - he had seemed pretty much okay the next morning.
Now I dreaded the moment he would stop and really take it all in, because he

simply couldnt go on like this forever. Nobody could. Not that I could blame him
for not knowing how to deal with the situation. I could only do my best to remind
him that I was there for him.
I had considered talking to Carlisle again, hoping he would be able to give me
some kind of advice on how to help Edward. But as long as Edward seemed to be
holding himself together, I didnt want to start anything that might set him off. So I
put a happy smile on my face and pretended everything was fine.
Seeing how Forks had a pretty limited selection of places to eat, Emmett had
suggested wed just take the car and go to Port Angeles instead, and we had all
agreed. I was a little surprised that Edward didnt object to the one-hour drive,
especially since it turned out wed all be going together in Emmetts Jeep
Wrangler. But he had just shrugged and followed me as I hesitantly climbed into
the large vehicle.
I had to admit, Emmett really impressed me. Aside from telling an inappropriate
joke in the car, involving a bunch of naked nuns and a Toyota - which earned him
an appalled gasp and a smack on the head by Rosalie - he was acting really cool all
night. More than once, I caught him glancing at the beautiful girl by his side with a
happy grin on his face.
It was also very interesting to watch him and Edward interact together. A part of
me had feared things would be kind of awkward between them, but much to my
relief, I turned out to be wrong. Granted, Edward wasnt - and would most likely
never be - the most social person, but he was clearly making an effort to throw a
few words into the conversation every once in a while.
We ended up at the same restaurant where Carlisle and Esme had taken me and
Edward after his first therapy session, and the food was just as good as the last
time. Apparently, Bella Italia was the traditional place for the Cullens to have
dinner whenever they were in Port Angeles, and I didnt mind at all.
Rosalie surprised me as well, being far from the bitchy ice-queen I had come to
resent. If anything, she seemed to be making even more of an effort than Emmett,
talking quietly about safe topics that wouldnt be offensive to anyone, and I found
myself actually starting to warm up to her.
Of course, I couldnt help but wonder what had caused her to make such a
complete one-eighty, but I wasnt going to complain. Deep down, I had a feeling
the reason was sitting right there next to her, playing footsie with her under the
table. Emmett wasnt the only one with a silly smile on his face whenever their
eyes met.

So, Alice told me she was thinking of throwing a party, Rosalie announced,
taking a bite of her chicken. She looked at me. Youre coming, arent you, Bella?
Alice throws the most amazing parties.
I gulped down the last of my coke. If Im invited, sure.
Rosalie opened her mouth, but Emmett beat her to it, rolling his eyes. Dont be
ridiculous, Bellie-Boo, you know you always have a standing invitation to our
house.
Well, thats nice to hear, but... I stopped, giving him an incredulous look.
Bellie-Boo? Seriously, Emmett? What the hell was that?
He grinned. Just a new nickname Im trying out. Thought it had a nice ring to it.
What do you think? He looked disappointed when I grimaced and firmly shook
my head no. Rosalie snickered, and he gave her a wounded look.
Hes right, you know, Edward mumbled into my ear. Seeing my frown, he
clarified, About the standing invitation, not the fucking-awful nickname. He
turned to look at Emmett, shaking his head. Youre an idiot.
Emmett just chuckled and shrugged, obviously not put out by the insult, and I
couldnt help but wonder if offending each other might have become their way of
showing affection. My suspicions only grew stronger when Emmett happily
declared, Well, in that case, youre the brother of an idiot! That threw Edward
for a moment, and he stared at Emmett with a dumbfounded expression.
I managed to keep from snorting, mostly because I secretly found their banter
adorable, and turned back to Rosalie, So, back to Alice throwing a party. Its not
her birthday or anything, is it? I felt bad for not knowing. Then it hit me that I
had no idea when Edwards birthday was either. Some girlfriend I was. But to be
honest, the subject had just never come up.
She shook her head. Alice doesnt need an excuse like that to throw a party.
Besides, her birthdays not until December.
Emmett nodded in agreement. Edwards the one with the big birthday coming up
soon. I noticed how Edward froze next to me, and wondered briefly what that
was about.
You didnt tell me. When? I was relieved beyond words that I hadnt missed it.

June 20, he mumbled, not meeting my eyes. Its no big deal.

Are you kidding? Emmett gave him a look of bewilderment. Its a huge deal,
man! Youll be turning eighteen, which means... he stopped himself as if
something had just occurred to him, and finished with an awkward shrug, ...well,
one should never turn down an opportunity to have cake.
Edward rolled his eyes, but I noted with relief that he didnt look too upset. I put
my hand on his knee under the table, and was rewarded with my favorite smile. As
we all started digging into our desserts, our conversation turned back to Alice and
her potential party, and I was actually really enjoying myself - even more so when
Edward absently started drawing patterns on my thigh with his thumb.
I had a pretty good feeling that if he realized what his innocent action was really
doing to me, he wouldnt be so laid-back about the whole thing. Sometimes I just
couldnt wait until Edward would finally feel comfortable touching me in more...
intimate places. He could kiss me without hesitation now - even in public - and he
had no problem hugging and caressing me, but there were certain lines we just
didnt cross.
Like for example, I had yet to see him with his shirt off. I longed to, but I was
nervous about bringing it up, and not just because then I would have to take my
clothes off as well. I knew that not only would it make Edward feel uncomfortable
because of the scars he had mentioned once, but it would also bring back a lot of
painful memories to him.
It just wasnt fair. Because of what that monster had done to him when he was just
a little boy, Edward was now unable to enjoy something that most people would
just take for granted. The mere thought of sex both terrified him and sickened him
- he had even admitted so himself. It wasnt supposed to be like that.
A part of me felt guilty for even thinking about having sex with Edward when he
so obviously wasnt ready, but I just couldnt help myself. I wanted to give myself
to him completely, and - of course - I wanted him to be able to do the same for me.
I was also curious, dying to know what it was like to share something so intimate
with the one person you loved more than life itself.
And - God help me - I was horny. The thought made me blush, but nonetheless
was it true. Stupid teenage hormones!
The rest of the evening passed without any awkward incidents, and it seemed like
we all - including Edward - had a good time. He needed a break from everything,
and I really hoped this night out made him see that he was perfectly capable of

doing normal things that most couples would do, like double dating. Unless he
would be completely opposed to the idea, I would make sure wed do it again.
He was pretty quiet on the way home, though, but I tried not to fret about it. I
wasnt a fool - of course he still had a lot to think about, and just because he was
able to go on functioning - even making progress - didnt mean his mind wasnt a
complete chaos of repressed thoughts and emotions.
I had no idea of knowing how Edward was really feeling - I could only pray he
would be open and honest with me, letting me know the moment things would
become too much and he needed me there to keep him from shattering.
Otherwise, I didnt know how to help him.

Chapter 82
EPOV
Carlisle had promised he would deal with the Victoria situation, and I knew he had
been in contact with the Social Services since her visit a couple of days ago.
According to him, they were going to set up an appointment with another social
worker, just like he had suspected, but he told me not to worry about it, and even
though it was hard not to, I forced myself to push it all to the back of my mind.
With Bella being back and Victoria - hopefully - out of the picture, I had decided
to make an honest attempt of moving forward instead of keep dwelling on the past.
I knew Bella was still concerned about me, so I did my best to convince her that I
was okay. The truth was, I was just so fucking tired of not being okay, and I
figured Bella had to be as well.
The double date thing was something I had reluctantly agreed to, mostly to
appease Bella, but also because I couldnt help but hope deep down that it would
give me a sense of actually belonging in the real world instead of hiding from it. It
may seem simple to anyone else - two couples going out for dinner together - but
to me, it was something I had never even considered.
And to my utter surprise, it wasnt that bad.
It seemed like Bella had genuinely enjoyed herself as well, because when Emmett
had dropped her off at her house and I walked her to the door to make sure she
would get inside safely, she hugged me tightly and assured me the night had been

absolutely perfect. Her face was a picture of pure happiness, which left me with a
warm feeling inside. Seeing Bella happy made me happy, simple as that.
When we got home, Emmett immediately pulled out his phone, stating that he was
going to call Rosalie and say good night, which seemed pretty odd to me, seeing
how he had just dropped her off less than twenty minutes ago, but who was I to
question the logic of his decision? Hell, I had just said good night to Bella, and I
missed her already.
Maybe I should follow Emmetts example and give Bella a call as well. It would
be a normal thing for a boyfriend to do, right? Plus, I would get to hear her voice
again tonight. Hopefully she would appreciate the gesture and not think of it as
stalker behavior.
Before I got the chance to call Bella, Alice came bouncing down the stairs.
Although she smiled when she saw me, I could tell something was off, because the
smile didnt quite reach her eyes. Hi, Edward. I heard you and Bella went out
with Emmett and Rose. Did you have a good time? She slumped down on the
couch, pulling her feet up and tucking them beneath her.
Um, yeah, sure. I frowned. To tell the truth, I had expected her to be a little more
excited, seeing how me going on a double date would be considered a huge deal as
far as Alice was concerned, and I had to admit I was somewhat disappointed by
her lack of enthusiasm.
Thats great. Im really happy for you. While she sounded sincere enough, she
wouldnt meet my eyes. And when I took a closer look at her, I realized she was...
pouting?
I cleared my throat. Alice, is something wrong? Did I do something...?
God, no! Her eyes shot to mine and I didnt miss the guilty look on her face.
Im sorry, Im being stupid. Its just... she hesitated, ...well, Mom told me you
guys were going out tonight, and I guess I just felt a bit... jealous. She ducked her
head in shame.
I gave her a look of confusion. But you werent even home. Youve been at
Jaspers all day - if youd been here, you couldve come as well.
Thats not the point. The pout was back. You went out with Emmett. Seeing
my blank expression, she clarified, I always hoped your first double date would
be with me.

Oh.
I wasnt sure how to respond to that. Im sorry.
Dont be ridiculous, its not your fault. Alice sighed. Its just me being silly.
She paused, and when she spoke again, there was a hopeful note in her voice,
Maybe some other time? You, me, Bella and Jasper? We could... I dont know, go
see a movie or something?
I nodded, even though I dreaded the thought of being trapped in a dark, crowded
movie theater. Sure, why not? Alices face lit up like I had just told her she had
won a million dollars, and the idea of going to the movies suddenly seemed a little
more bearable.
Also, I was pretty sure Bella would be thrilled. She had made no secret of the fact
that she wanted me to get along with my family, and I knew she enjoyed hanging
out with Alice as well. Besides, I had just survived spending an evening with
Rosalie, surely I could handle a couple of hours with Jasper.
This was normal. I wanted to do normal. If I could do all of this, it would mean
that - despite everything that had happened - I might actually be able to be the kind
of boyfriend Bella deserved. We could do things, I could take her places. That
would make her happy, and I wanted her to be happy.
I wanted to be fucking happy.
So I had to be okay with all of this. I flat out refused to have another breakdown,
disappoint everybody again and drag them all down with me. My family, Bella,
they all cared about me, and I wanted them to be proud of me. I didnt want them
to think of me as a lost cause, even though I deep down doubted I could ever be
anything but.
Thats why I kept telling them - and myself - that I was fine. Unfortunately, I was
about to learn that you could only fool yourself for so long.
The next day, Bella and I were having out first joint therapy session with Dr.
Weber - or Angela, as she insisted on being called. I wasnt sure how I felt about
that, seeing how I had never felt comfortable being on first name basis with the
shrinks in the past, but I didnt protest, not wanting to start the session by acting
like an ass in front of Bella.
Carlisle - who had given us a ride to Port Angeles - promised to come back and
pick us up when we were finished and ready to go home. Then he left to meet up

with some colleague of his, who he had been planning to visit while Bella and I
were at the session. I had to admit it felt good to know he would be close by.
Bella seemed a bit nervous when we stepped into the office, although she
obviously tried not to let it show. Instead she smiled shyly and shook Dr. Webers
hand. Hi, Im Bella.
Its very nice to meet you, Bella. Dr. Weber returned the smile. Im happy you
could join us today. Why dont we all take a seat? She gestured for the couch.
Would either of you like anything to drink? Bella politely asked for a glass of
water, but I just shook my head. A moment later, we were all seated, included Dr.
Weber who sat down in one of the armchairs across the small table.
Needless to say, Bella and I were both sitting on the couch, as close together as we
could possibly get. I felt her leg brush against mine, and was immediately filled
with a sense of comfort. Surely this couldnt be too bad, as long as she was sitting
right there next to me. Or so I hoped. I took a deep breath, trying not to think
about what was ahead of me.
So, Bella... Bellas head shot up and she gave Dr. Weber an expectant look.
This is your first therapy session. How do you feel about being here?
Um... Bella threw a brief look at me. I feel okay. Maybe a little nervous.
Why are you nervous? Dr. Weber asked softly.
I dont know. Bella bit her lip. Ive never done anything like this before, so I
guess Im not really sure what to do. I reached for her hand, and she gave me a
small smile.
Dr. Weber nodded in understanding. I see. Well, you dont have to worry, Bella.
Im going to tell you the same thing I told Edward the first time we met. Im here
for you, not the other way around. There is no right or wrong in this room. Well
work it out together, as we go. Does that sound okay to you? Bella nodded,
clearly a bit more at ease.
Edward... Dr. Weber turned to me. How do you feel about Bella being here
today?
I shrugged, not because I didnt know the answer to that, but because I still didnt
feel comfortable discussing my feelings this openly. Then again, I realized that
was part of the reason I was here - to learn to talk about my fucking feelings. I
held back a sigh, knowing this was an easy question compared to what was

coming. It makes me feel better. I want her here. I turned to Bella. I do.
The smile she gave me made all my fears and worries melt away. Well, for the
moment, anyway. I know, baby, she whispered. I want to be here with you as
well. The sincerity was evident in her voice.
Dr. Weber looked pleased. Thats what I wanted to hear, Bella. Its perfectly
understandable for you to feel nervous, awkward, or even afraid. Thats all right.
The important thing is that - despite all that - you do want to be here. She then
turned to me. Same goes for you, Edward, but weve already been through this. I
nodded, somewhat reluctantly.
She went on, her attention still directed at me, So, how have you been since we
last saw each other?
Just fine, I responded automatically. Bella frowned next to me, but she stayed
quiet, and I shrugged her reaction off. Well, it was true, or so I told myself.
Dr. Weber made a humming sound. I see. Why dont you tell me a little about
your weekend? I froze, realizing where she was going with this. When I remained
silent, she folded her hands in her lap, and when she spoke, there was sympathy in
her voice, I understand youve had quite a rough start on your spring break,
Edward. Especially three days ago, which was Monday. Wanna tell me about it?
It was Bella who spoke up, and there was doubt and disbelief in her voice. How
do you know about that?
Clearly a little surprised, Dr. Weber opened her mouth, but I beat her to it. She
knows because Carlisle told her.
Bella looked at me, her eyes wide as saucers. Then her expression turned angry.
Is that true, Dr. Weber? Isnt that against the rules or something? I thought you
werent allowed to discuss-
I cut her off. Bella, its okay. I know they talk to each other between sessions. Im
cool with it. And I was. To tell the truth, it was actually a relief knowing I
wouldnt have to explain every little tragic detail about my life here in this room.
Oh. Bellas cheeks turned bright red, and I knew her enough to know that she
was embarrassed. She gave Dr. Weber an apologetic look. Im sorry, I didnt
mean to be rude. I guess I overreacted... her voice trailed off and she lowered her
eyes.

Not at all, Dr. Weber assured her. You were simply expressing your concern,
and Im sorry for not explaining things to you more clearly before we started.
Youre absolutely right - its strictly forbidden for a doctor to discuss a patient
outside the office without permission. I promise you, Bella, nothing leaves this
room without Edwards approval. And the same goes for you. You can speak freely
in here.
Bella just nodded, although she kept her head downcast. Dr. Weber smiled softly.
I can tell youre feeling quite protective of Edward. There is nothing wrong with
that. You two seem to be very close.
I just dont want him to hurt anymore, Bella mumbled, finally raising her head
and looking straight at me. Edward, I cant stand it when youre in pain.
I closed my eyes for a moment. Bella, Im fine. Her eyes narrowed slightly.
Really, I am! I insisted, almost desperately. It was obvious that she didnt
believe me, and it made me angry. Granted, my anger wasnt really directed at her,
but I was getting angry all the same. Couldnt she see that I was fucking trying?
Didnt she understand that I had to be fine? Why did she have to question me?
Of course, she wasnt really questioning me, at least not out loud. But she hadnt
just accepted my words and agreed with me, either. I dont wanna talk about
this, I grumbled then, knowing perfectly well that I sounded like a sullen fiveyear-old. But I didnt care.
Bella opened her mouth, without doubt to object, but Dr. Weber spoke up before
she got the chance. Lets talk about something else, then. Edward, you never
finished telling me what happened three days ago.
I rolled my eyes in annoyance. I never fucking started telling you. Does it even
matter? You already know most of it, anyway.
Fair enough. Dr. Weber gave me a knowing look. Let me rephrase that. How do
you feel about what happened three days ago?
A bitter laugh escaped me. Are you aware of how many times youve started a
sentence with those words since we arrived?
Edward! Bella hissed next to me.
Its all right, Dr. Weber told her calmly. Then she turned back to me. Possibly
more than five times, probably less than ten. How do you feel about that? I just
gaped at her, and she actually had the nerve to smile.

Sorry, I muttered, not sure why I was acting so defensive all of a sudden. I threw
a pleading look at Bella, watched how understanding flashed across her face, and
nearly sobbed in relief when she immediately took my hand and held it gently
between hers. And just like that, I felt myself relax.
Dr. Weber had been watching our silent interaction with interest. Now she leaned
back in the chair. Edward, did you bring the notebook I gave you?
I instantly felt guilty, because after the last session, I hadnt given that book a
second thought. So I shook my head. No, I forgot. Sorry.
Thats okay. Its up to you whether or not you want to bring it here. She didnt
sound upset or offended. May I ask if you have written anything in it so far? I
just shook my head again. She nodded in acceptance. All right. Ill stop trying to
put the words in your mouth. What would you like to talk about right now?
I blinked in surprise, but quickly recovered. The urge to say that I didnt want to
talk about anything was strong, but I realized it would be pointless. Sure, I could
stall things for as long as I wanted, hell, I had done so before, but it wouldnt do
any good in the long run. I sighed. I dont wanna dwell on whats fucked up in
my life. I just wanna leave that behind me.
That sounds like a healthy aspect. I could sense a but coming up, and it turned
out I was right. But Edward, theres a difference between moving on and
avoiding.
I glared at her. Im not avoiding anything. Im telling you - Im okay! Im
fucking ready to move on with my life. She didnt respond, which only fueled my
anger. What, you dont believe me?
What I believe is not that important. Dr. Weber smiled, sadly. Be honest with
yourself, Edward. Do you believe in what you just said? I nodded, stubbornly.
Well, thats all that matters, then. But let me ask you one thing. I raised a brow,
waiting for her to continue. If youre really okay, then why cant you talk about
what happened?
I shook my head in protest. Thats not true. I can talk about it. Seeing her
expectant expression, I mumbled, I just dont want to.
Because it brings back bad memories? she asked in a soft voice. I shrugged, then
nodded, feeling how Bella squeezed my hand. Tell me something, Edward. How
do you expect to move on, if you cant accept and deal with the memories of your

past? They will always be a part of you.

Great, now she sounded just like Carlisle. I had to suppress a groan. Never said I
cant deal with it.
Right. Dr. Weber nodded, slowly. You just dont want to. I didnt respond.
I have a question. Bella kept her eyes locked on her hands, still wrapped tightly
around mine. I didnt know at first if her question was directed at me or the doc, so
I just glanced at her, waiting for her to go on. Whats the point in us being here, if
youre not being honest?
I felt like I had just been hit by a bucket of ice water. Why would you say that? I
demanded, trying to keep the hurt out of my voice. Why do you think Im not
being honest? A part of me was hoping for some kind of input from Dr. Weber,
but she stayed silent.
Bella hesitated. Edward, I want to believe you when you say youre okay, I really
do.
Then believe me. I folded my arms angrily across my chest. Im fucking trying
here, Bella. Isnt that what you want?
She dropped my hand, and I nearly wept with the loss of contact. But then she
placed her palm on my cheek, and I instinctively leaned into her touch. I believe
you, she whispered, and I tried not to let the lack of conviction in her voice
bother me. I glanced at her. Im sorry, she mumbled then, and I could see the
sincerity in her eyes. Im trying, too.
Grateful that she wasnt going to push me, I just nodded. So, she still doubted me.
I knew I couldnt blame her. In that moment, I made my decision. I would just
have to work that much harder to make her and everyone else see that I was being
serious. I really was fine.
Because I fucking had to be.

Chapter 83
BPOV
I knew Edward meant it when he said he was trying. The problem was - in my

opinion - that he was trying too hard. He wasnt fooling me with the whole Im
fine charade, but I realized that arguing with him would only make things worse.
So I decided to step back and let him do this at his own pace, even though it killed
me to watch him put on a brave face and pretend everything was okay.
Hopefully, he would eventually come to his senses. And I planned to be there for
him every step of the way, no matter what.
We were going back to see Dr. Weber again next week, and she had told us she
wanted our next session to be longer than the first one. She insisted on signing us
up for ninety minutes instead of just an hour, and when I asked why, she explained
that she first wanted to see both of us separately, and then we would finish the
session together. Edward didnt look pleased, but he hadnt protested, and neither
had I.
I just assumed she knew what she was doing. She was a professional after all.
When Alice called me a few days later, happily announcing that Edward and I
were going on a double date with her and Jasper, I couldnt help but tease her a
little, pretending I had no idea what she was talking about and that I had already
made other plans. I was met by silence, and could just imagine how her face fell.
Of course, I instantly felt bad, assuring her I was only kidding and that we were
on.
To tell the truth, I was excited. It had been nice to go out with Emmett and Rose,
but Alice was my best friend, and I had longed to hang out with both her and
Edward at the same time. I had to admit that Edward had always been my first
priority, and it felt really good to be able to spend time with Alice as well. And
Jasper was cool. I liked him, even though I didnt really know him that well.
We were just going to see a movie, and then - assuming we were all still up for it maybe stop someplace for ice-cream. Edward insisted on driving, and I suspected
it made him feel more in control of the situation. I was so proud of him for making
an effort, and firmly told myself to put my worries about him to the side, at least
for the night.
That night, I rummaged through my closet for something decent to wear, and
settled for a cute white top and a pair of tight, dark blue jeans. I would look nice,
but not over-dressed. Perfect. Realizing I had about an hour before I had to be
ready, I quickly showered before getting dressed. Then I blow-dried my hair, and
even applied a small amount of make-up before I was happy with my appearance.
Edward showed up just on time - I easily recognized the sound of his car when he

pulled into the driveway - and I flew down the stairs, almost tripping over my own
feet in my eagerness to beat my dad to the door. Charlie raised a brow at me when
he saw me, but kept silent as I all but rushed past him and flung the front door
open. Hi, Edward, I said breathlessly, beaming at him.
Hey, Bella. He leaned in towards me and I waited eagerly for his lips to meet
mine, but then he glanced over my shoulder into the house, spotted Charlie who
had walked up behind me, and froze in his tracks. To Edwards credit, he didnt
back away completely, but he settled for giving me a brief peck on the cheek.
I gave him a soft smile, thrilled by the fact that he felt comfortable enough to show
me even that kind of affection in front of my father. As much as I wanted to just
throw myself in his arms, kissing him with all the passion I could muster, I
struggled to control myself and my urge to be close to him. The last thing I wanted
was for Edward to feel awkward.
Or to give Charlie a heart attack, for that matter.
Evening, Edward. My dad nodded in greeting.
Hello, Charlie. I was very pleased that Edward no longer felt obligated to
address my dad as Chief Swan, even though he still sometimes tended to avoid eye
contact when speaking to him. Charlie never seemed to mind, though, and I often
wondered exactly how much he really knew about Edwards situation. For some
reason, I couldnt bring myself to ask him straight out.
My eyes widened in surprise when Edward held out a single red flower that
seemed to have appeared from nowhere, and I stared at him in awe. He gave me a
shy smile, and I instantly melted. Its so beautiful, I whispered. Thank you.
I was no expert on flowers, but my mom had loved them, and Phil used to buy her
a fresh bouquet every week. This one looked vaguely familiar, and I was pretty
certain it was a chrysanthemum.
The first time Edward brought me flowers, he had all but squeezed the poor thing
to death on his way over, and then practically thrust it at my face like he was afraid
it would bite him. It was obvious to me that he was a lot less nervous this time,
handling the delicate flower much more carefully.
I couldnt resist asking, Does it mean anything? recalling the way my entire
body had tingled with happiness when I had googled the meaning of the purple
freesia he had given me the last time.

Sweetness, friendship, and trust.

Of course, by now our relationship had grown way past the friendship stage. While
the freesia had been just as beautiful as this one, I secretly hoped this flower would
reflect the feelings Edward had for me now. I couldnt wait to find out for sure.
Yeah... Um, Alice and Jasper are waiting in the car, we should probably, you
know... Edward looked a little embarrassed, and I was once again reminded of my
fathers presence. Charlie cleared his throat and quickly offered to put the flower
in water so we could leave. He told us to have fun, reminded me not to stay out too
late, and then hurried towards the kitchen with the flower in his hand.
I made a mental note to find out the meaning of red chrysanthemum as soon as I
got home tonight.
Alice was literally bouncing up and down in her seat when Edward and I entered
the car. Bella, were gonna have so much fun tonight! she chirped. The movies
supposed to be really good. I had to admit I didnt remember the name of the
movie we were seeing, but I smiled widely and nodded in agreement, not wanting
to put a damper on Alices mood.
In all honesty, I couldnt care less about the movie itself, but that didnt mean I
wasnt every bit as excited as Alice. The thought of me and Edward sitting close
together in the back of the movie theater, holding hands and sharing a bucket of
greasy popcorn sounded like heaven to me. And my best friend would be there as
well. It was just perfect.
At least that was what I thought.
Edward was quiet in the car, and while he had seemed pretty relaxed when he first
came to pick me up, I could literally feel the way his tension grew by the minute.
Alice didnt seem to notice, too busy talking our ears off, and Jasper was - as usual
- calmness personified. But I was starting to get a sinking feeling in the pit of my
stomach. Maybe this wasn't such a good idea after all.
When we arrived at the movie theater and Edward had still barely said two words,
I decided enough was enough and deliberately dropped my purse, causing the
contents to scatter all over the floor. I feigned surprise and annoyance, insisting for
Alice and Jasper to go ahead of us so they could get the tickets. As soon as they
were out of sight, I turned to Edward. Baby, whats wrong?
He gave me an almost startled look as he bent down to help me pick up my
belongings. What do you mean?

You seem... off, somehow. I watched him carefully, searching his face for his
reaction to my words. Look, Edward, if you dont want to do this...
Why wouldnt I want to do this? There was a slight hint of irritation in his voice,
even though I could tell he was struggling to act casual. Bella, theres nothing
wrong, I promise. Im-
If you say fine one more time, I think Im going to scream, I told him honestly.
Edward, I dont wanna fight with you. Just please tell me what youre thinking
right now.
He sighed. You really wanna know what Im thinking? I nodded. Im thinking
wed better hurry, or there wont be enough time to buy popcorn before the movie
starts. He must have seen the way my face fell, because he reached out to take my
hand, giving me an almost pleading look. Dont look at me like that, love. Lets
just have fun tonight. Thats all I want.
I would have been thrilled to hear those words from him, had it not been for the
way his voice had turned almost robotic. As I took a closer look at him, I realized
his hands were trembling. I placed my hand softly on his arm, almost expecting
him to flinch back. Luckily, he didnt. I tried to smile, failing miserably. Hey,
why dont we just go rent a movie instead? We could all watch it at home, Im sure
Alice-
No! Edward cut me off, firmly shaking his head. Fuck, Bella, will you drop it?
Can we just go watch the fucking movie? Before I got the chance to say anything,
he grabbed my arm and pulled me against him almost fiercely, wrapped his arms
around me and buried his face in my hair. Im sorry, Im sorry, he rambled
quickly, sounding close to panic. I didnt mean to yell at you.
Shh, I know, its okay, I murmured, hugging him tightly as I tried to blink back
the tears. He was hurting me with the way he was acting, but I knew it wasnt
intentional, and I couldnt stay mad at him. I just wished he would stop being so
stubborn and accept the fact that I only wanted to help him. Im sorry, too, baby.
Lets just go find Alice and Jasper, okay? I felt him nod against me.
Edward pulled back and grabbed hold of my hand, glancing at me before leading
me to where Alice and Jasper were waiting for us. I gave him a reassuring smile,
silently telling myself to back off. It was painfully obvious how badly he wanted
this night to be successful, but I just didnt understand why he had to push himself
so hard.

It was like he was trying to prove to himself that he could do this, and while I had
to admire him for his efforts, I feared it would backfire at him before the night was
over. And I was deeply afraid of what that would do to him. Still, I knew I had to
let Edward make these kind of decisions by himself.
Alice ran up to us as soon as she spotted us, Jasper in tow, and I didnt miss the
concern in her voice. There you guys are. Is everything okay?
I opened my mouth, but Edward beat me to it. Sure. Did you get the tickets? She
nodded.
Then I could practically see the light bulb flash above her head, as something had
clearly just occurred to her. Hey Edward, why dont you and Jazz go get us all
some snacks and sodas? Bella and I have to visit the ladies room. I struggled
against the urge to roll my eyes, because it was obvious to me what she was trying
to do, and I was certain Edward wouldnt appreciate it.
Thats okay, Alice, I dont need to go. But you go ahead, well just wait for you.
I gave her a look that clearly indicated that I was serious. She looked as if she was
about to object, but I wasnt going to give in.
Edward, on the other hand, just shrugged, muttered a whatever, and strode away
towards the concession stand without bothering to see if Jasper would follow.
Jasper winked at me. Its all right, Bella. Just go with Alice. Well be right back.
Then he hurried to catch up with Edward.
I bit my lip, turning to Alice. Im being ridiculous and over protective, arent I?
I wasnt going to say anything. She gave me a sympathetic smile. Bella, I get
what youre trying to do, believe me. Youre worried about him. But maybe you
should try to relax a little. Were here to have a good time, remember? Besides,
you need to have faith in Edward. He will be okay without you for five minutes, I
promise.
When she put it that way, I felt really stupid. No wonder Edward would get
annoyed with me - he must feel like I was treating him like a child. But I honestly
didnt mean to, I just wanted to protect him. At the same time, I realized I wasnt
doing him any favors by mollycoddling him. Alice was right - I did need to relax.
But it was hard, when I felt so completely helpless. And it frightened me more
than I wanted to admit.
A few minutes later, the boys returned, arms loaded with large buckets of popcorn

and cups of coke. Edward walked up to me and handed me a small bag of

Raisinets and another one with M&Ms. Didnt know which one youd like best,
he mumbled, looking somewhat awkward.
I smiled at him, touched by his thoughtfulness. I love both, actually. Thank you.
He looked relieved, placing his hand gently on my back as we went to find our
seats. It turned out we would be sitting in the back row, near the exits, and I
suspected Alice had deliberately asked for those seats with Edward in mind. I
wouldnt put it past her, and told myself to thank her later for being so considerate.
As the lights went off and the movie was about to start, I felt Edward tense up next
to me. I fought back the urge to ask him if he was all right, knowing what his
answer would be. Instead I reached for his hand, causing him to jump slightly, and
I silently cursed myself for startling him. This surely hadnt started out very well.
Little did I know, things would get a lot worse.
Edward squeezed my hand tightly and I tried to snuggle closer to him, which
proved to be difficult because of the armrest between us, keeping us apart. I
wished we could have gotten a love seat, but there were only a few of them,
already occupied. Holding back a sigh, I struggled to find a comfortable position.
Eventually I gave up, and tried to focus on the movie.
Unfortunately, it turned out to be the worst movie I had ever seen, with lame
dialogue, lousy stunts and bad actors. About halfway through, I happened to
glance to my left, and noticed that Alice was practically in Jaspers lap. They both
seemed to be lost to the world, kissing with passion. Obviously, I was not the only
one who found the movie boring.
Then again, knowing Alice, she probably didnt need an excuse to be fondling
with Jasper.
I turned to my right, wondering how Edward would react if I leaned in to kiss him.
Seeing how he was still sitting in the exact same position, facing forward and
never even looking in my direction, I found it highly unlikely that he was going to
take the first step. The thought of making out with Edward in the darkness of the
movie theater filled me with excitement.
Remembering how he had reacted when I had simply taken his hand - nearly
jumping out of the seat - I didnt dare act on my impulses without first giving him
some kind of heads-up. But what was I supposed to do? Whisper to him straight
out that I wanted to kiss him, would that be okay? I felt my cheeks turn red and
was thankful no one could see me.

Hey Edward, Alice and Jasper are sucking face next to me and I kinda want that
too. Would you mind? I rolled my eyes at myself. Yeah, right! What was I twelve? Maybe if I just leaned in and tried to catch his attention, then I wouldnt
have to say anything. Right, because Edward could read my mind. I nearly snorted
at the thought. With my luck, I would probably just bump my head into his.
Lost in my thoughts, I was only vaguely aware of Edward suddenly dropping my
hand. It wasnt until his breathing picked up rapidly that I realized something was
wrong. He still didnt move, though, and I struggled to remain calm. Edward, I
whispered, placing my hand softly on his chest. My eyes widened when I could
feel his heart beating wildly. Baby, whats the matter?
I felt a chill down my spine when he kept staring straight ahead, as if he wasnt
even aware of my presence. His body was shaking now, and I tried to fight back
the panic, not knowing what to do. Throwing a helpless look at Alice, still all
caught up with Jasper, I then turned back to Edward with determination.
Wherever he was right now - mentally, that was - I was fairly positive I could
bring him back. After all, I had managed before. I forced myself not to worry
about the outcome as I reached out my trembling hand to cup his cheek, carefully
turning his face in my direction. My heart dropped when he seemed to be looking
right through me.
Edward, I breathed, trying to be as quiet as I could, not wanting to draw any
attention to us. I ignored Alice, who finally tore her attention away from Jasper as
she seemed to realize something was not right. Edward, listen to me. You- That
was how far I got before his arm shot out and forcefully pushed me back into my
seat. I gasped in surprise, causing the people sitting in front of us to turn around.
Edward was looking at me now, and even in the darkness, I could see the horror in
his eyes as he scrambled away from me. I opened my mouth, holding out my hand
to stop him. But it was too late, because he was already out of his seat.
And before I knew it, he was gone.

Chapter 84
EPOV

Alice had been bugging me about the fucking double date for days, and when I
finally agreed, she was over the moon. She was jumping up and down, squealing,
and then impulsively threw her arms around me. I tensed up for a brief moment,
more out of habit than anything else, because these things didnt really bother me
anymore, as long as I wasnt taken off guard.
It took a moment before Alice realized what she had just done, and I felt how she
froze dead in her tracks. Then she immediately let go of me and all but jumped
backwards, apologizing over and over until I rolled my eyes and told her to stop.
Her face was a mixture of surprise and relief, and I figured it would take her some
time to get used to the fact that I no longer shied away from physical contact in
panic.
She insisted I had to bring Bella flowers, and it made me think of that article
Emmett had given me all those weeks ago. I was pretty certain I still had it
somewhere up in my room, and decided to take a look and see if I could find
something that described my feelings for Bella now. Not that I would ever admit to
having read the damn thing in the first place...
The way Bellas face lit up when she saw the flower made me feel all warm inside,
and for a moment, I didnt feel like a complete screw-up. I was just a guy, taking
his girlfriend out on a real date. I could do this - I could make Bella happy. I
wanted her to just relax and enjoy the night out, and Id be damned if I was going
to fuck this up for her.
I shouldve known things would never be that fucking simple.
Reality came crashing down on me in the car, when Alice started ranting about the
movie and how she couldnt wait to snuggle up with Jasper in the dark. I dont
know why the thought hadnt occurred to me before, because it should have been
obvious. It suddenly hit me that not only would I have to sit in a room full of
strangers, but I would also be surrounded by darkness.
Fucking great! How would I ever be able to relax and concentrate on the movie
now? I nearly panicked and pulled over to the side of the road, but somehow, I
managed to keep driving. Bella was sitting next to me in the passenger seat and I
could feel her eyes on me, knowing she could sense my rising anxiety, so I forced
myself to appear neutral.
Bella couldnt know how I really felt, because then she would insist on us
changing our plans for the night, and I couldnt do that to her. I knew she would do
it in a heartbeat, always so selfless and eager to please me, to make sure I was
comfortable. She deserved better than always having to look out for me, always

having to put my needs before her own.

She deserved a perfect night, and I was going to give it to her. Fuck my irrational
fears and emotions that didnt make any sense. It was all just in my head - there
was nothing in the movie theater that could hurt me, darkness or not. I was being
pathetic, and if I couldnt go through with this, I might as well just return to the
dark place that used to be my life before I met Bella, alone and fucking miserable.
No, I flat out refused to go back there. I could do this, there was nothing to be
afraid of. I was perfectly fine.
Still, the uneasy feeling in my stomach wouldnt go away, no matter how many
times I told myself to get a fucking grip. Bella cornered me once we were out of
the car, trying to make me tell her what was wrong, but I played dumb and
pretended I had no idea what she was talking about. She wouldnt give up, though,
and I ended up lashing out at her, practically shouting at her to get the fuck off my
back.
The guilt welled up inside me as soon as my harsh words had left my mouth and I
panicked, grabbing Bella and clinging to her almost desperately, terrified that she
would leave me. Im sorry, Im sorry, I babbled frenetically. I didnt mean to
yell at you.
I had to fix this. I had to make Bella see that I was capable of doing normal things
- like taking her to the fucking movies - without freaking out about it. She had
been looking forward to this, and I was not going to let her down. She needed to
know that she could depend on me.
Instead of calling me out on being an ass, Bella just hugged me close and held on
to me tightly as she assured me we were okay, being understanding and supportive
as usual. While it made me hate myself even more for snapping at her, I couldnt
deny that it felt fucking good. And it made me even more determined to make it
through this night, to make it up to her.
To my utter relief, our seats turned out to be close to the exits, which made me feel
somewhat better, knowing I would have a free escape route should I need one. Of
course, I prayed it wouldnt come to that. But when the light went off, it didnt
take long for my anguish to set in.
What the fuck was I doing here?
I nearly jumped through the roof when I felt something warm brush against my
hand, but then I realized it was just Bella and silently berated myself for being

such a basket case. She scooted closer to me, and I found myself squeezing her
hand like a fucking life line.
The movie started and I tensed up again - it was so fucking loud. As much as I
tried to relax, I just couldnt. How people could actually enjoy this was beyond
me. The room was too large, too dark, and full of strangers - anyone could be a
potential threat. Sure, I knew deep down I was being irrational, but my brain was
going into overdrive and I couldnt stop the disturbing thoughts and images.
Bella shifted next to me and I felt her watching me, although I wouldnt look at
her, knowing she would be able to sense my distress even in the dark. I wouldnt
ruin this for her - at least one of us should be able to have a good time. And it sure
as hell wouldnt be me.
I tried to focus on the movie playing on the huge screen, I really did. Taking large
gulps of my soda, I struggled to keep the panic from overwhelming me, telling
myself that it was just a fucking movie and that none of the strangers in the room
would even bother to look at me, let alone attempt to hurt me. There was no
outside threat - I was perfectly safe.
In my heart, I already knew all of this. It was my fucked up brain that was the
problem.
And suddenly I was no longer sitting in my seat at the movie theater - I was sitting
on the hard floor in my old room back in Chicago. I could even feel the wall
pressing into my back, and I knew I was not alone. He was always there and he
wanted to hurt me, not because I had been bad, but because he enjoyed it. Because
he could. Because I was too weak to stop him.
It had always been a game to him, I had just refused to see it. Not that it made any
difference. No matter the reason for his actions, the fucking pain was just the
same. The feeling of being trapped, slowly choking to death. It wasnt a reasonable
punishment, I realized that now. It was all about him, getting off on causing me
pain. Ripping me to shreds, mentally as well as physically. And his voice.
I could live for a hundred years, and still never forget his voice. In fact, I was
hearing it right now.
Get up and face the wall!
Tell me why Im doing this!
You leave me no choice but to punish you!

You are worthless!

Take it in your mouth!
Someone was touching me and I lashed out instinctively, only to become aware of
my surroundings in the next moment. James was not here, he was not the one
talking to me. It had just been another flashback, another memory. I was at the
movie theater and had just pushed Bella away from me, hard enough for her to
gasp and attract the attention of the people around us.
Horror and shame welled over me, and I didnt even think as I scrambled out of
my seat and bolted. People turned to stare after me, no doubt annoyed at me for
disrupting the quiet by rushing out in the middle of the movie and letting the light
in, but I didnt care. And I didnt stop, even when I heard Bella calling out my
name. I just had to get away.
It was too fucking much.
I fled to the mens room, grateful to find it completely empty. Of course, everyone
else would still be busy watching the movie. Locking myself up in one of the
stalls, I closed my eyes and tried to get my breathing under control. It was
blissfully quiet, and for the first time since we arrived at the movie theater, I found
myself relaxing, if ever so slightly.
Unfortunately, it didnt last very long. While the panic had lost its grip on me, the
humiliation remained, and only growing stronger by the second.
The thought of going back out there and face the others made me feel nauseous,
and I could only imagine what they must be thinking of me right now. Once again,
I had managed to screw up. No matter how hard I tried, it would never be good
enough. Why the fuck did I even bother? Oh, right. Because of Bella.
But it was becoming more and more obvious that I would always be a
disappointment to her. Hell, I couldnt even take her to the fucking movies. I really
was the worst, most pathetic excuse for a boyfriend, ever. It was only to be
expected, but still, the realization hurt like a bitch. I wanted to fucking cry, and
probably would have, had I not already emasculated myself enough to last a
lifetime.
The door to the bathroom suddenly opened and someone stepped inside, stopping
outside the line of stalls. My heart started beating faster again, and I found myself
holding my breath, willing the person to go away. After a brief moment of silence,

I heard a familiar voice quietly calling out my name. Edward? You in here, man?
Are you okay?
Jasper. I let out a gust of air, contemplating whether or not I should just ignore him
and hope he would leave. The seconds ticked by and he didnt speak again, but
there was no sound indicating that he was leaving, either. I supposed I could
always just demand for him to leave me the fuck alone, but something told me it
would be pointless, seeing how he probably wouldnt go very far.
Alice must have forced him to follow me here, since she and Bella wouldnt be
allowed to enter the mens room, and I figured he didnt want to end up on her shit
list. I sighed, flushing just for good measure, waited a few seconds, and then most
reluctantly left the stall.
He was standing outside, just like I had known he would, discreetly taking a few
steps back as I walked past him without a word and headed for the sinks. Then I
stopped, still facing away from him, and said in a cold voice, Unless youre here
to use the facilities, you might as well just go back outside and tell Alice youve
done your good deed for the day. Consider yourself off the hook.
Much to my annoyance, he didnt seemed taken aback by my hostility. Actually,
Alice specifically asked me not to go in here. So did Bella, by the way. I have to
say, your girl can be quite... feisty. He let out a small chuckle.
I frowned at his words, but didnt turn around. Then what the fuck are you doing
here?
Well, they couldnt come in here to check on you now, could they? Glancing
over my shoulder, I saw that he was leaning casually against the wall, although I
didnt miss the look of concern on his face. Seriously, Edward, are you okay?
Bellas freaking out, and I wouldnt be surprised if she barged in here at any
moment. What happened?
None of your fucking business, I grumbled, beyond embarrassed. Then his word
registered. Bellas outside? Why? Shes missing the fucking movie. Another
wave of guilt washed over me.
She doesnt care about the movie, believe me. Jasper was quiet for a moment.
Look, you dont owe me any explanation. You might find this hard to believe, but
Im really just in here because I care. I wanted to make sure you were all right.
I let out a bitter laugh. Oh, Im fucking peachy.

Somehow, I doubt that. He watched me calmly. But if it makes you feel better,
Ill drop it. A pause. Lets just get out of here, all right? There are two lovely
ladies waiting for us, and I dont know about you, but I for one wouldnt mind just
skipping the rest of the movie, because frankly, it sucks. What do you say?
I gave him a suspicious look, trying to figure him out. There was no logical
explanation why Jasper would give a damn about me, unless Alice had put him up
to it. Sure, he had always been polite and respectful towards me, but I mostly just
ignored him whenever he came to the house, or if I ran into him at school.
Alice used to insist that Jasper wanted to be my friend, but I always just shrugged
her off. Or to be more accurate, I would tell her straight out that I didnt give a
rats ass.
So, yeah, he had absolutely no reason to be nice to me. And yet here he was. What
was even more shocking was the fact that his laid-back attitude somehow seemed
to have a calming effect on me, because the urge to tell him to fuck off and leave
me the hell alone had drastically diminished.
Still, the thought of leaving the quiet and safety of the restroom and stepping back
out there, where I would have to face the concern of Bella and Alice, filled me
with dread. They shouldnt have to interrupt their night of normalcy and fun
because of me. This was a huge fucking mistake, and I shouldve seen it coming. I
never shouldve come here - I was a fool for ever thinking I could do something
like this.
Obviously seeing my hesitation, Jasper cleared his throat and spoke up again,
softly, Hey, I dont know whats going on, but let me tell you this. Hiding in here
will only work for so long. Eventually, you will have to go out there, or Bella will
get ideas.
What the fuck are you talking about? I demanded.
Jasper shrugged. Just saying, you wouldnt want her to think youre avoiding her
or something. Because, really, you shouldnt. Bella is a great girl and you
obviously mean the world to her. Give her some credit. Besides... He raised a
brow. Why would you wanna stay in here and be stuck with me, when you can be
with her?
I rolled my eyes at his logic. He did have a point. And I knew I couldnt stay in
here forever.
I... kinda have a problem with dark and crowded places, I heard myself saying.

For some reason, I suddenly felt like I should offer him at least some kind of
explanation for my behavior. Not that I owed him anything, even he had said as
much. But he didnt have to be here talking to me. Hell, he had every right to be
pissed at me for ruining his night. And yet he was being nice to me.
He nodded in response to my statement. Then youre a hell of a lot more brave
than I am. Seeing my confusion, he clarified, I have a problem with heights, and
I would rather cut off my own hand and run around school naked than taking Alice
out skydiving or something like that. Really, Im impressed you even agreed to
come here in the first place. He nodded towards the door. Coming?
I just looked at him blankly for a moment, then snapped out of it and nodded,
following him out without a word.
Bella ran up to me the moment I stepped through the door, her worried eyes
immediately finding mine. After hesitating for a brief moment, she then wrapped
her arms around me and buried her face in my chest. I love you, she murmured,
rubbing soft circles on my back. And that was it. No questions, no accusations. My
arms slipped around her and I hugged her close.
Im sorry, I whispered, but she only shushed me and tightened her grip on me,
her fingers finding my hair. For a minute or so, we just stood like that, and then we
were brought back to reality as Alice softly cleared her throat. I reluctantly pulled
back from Bella, although I couldnt bring myself to release her completely.
Are you okay? Alice asked carefully, eying me somewhat warily. I just nodded.
She didnt look convinced. Are you sure? When I just looked at her pointedly,
she hesitated a little before she went on, Well, I think we should probably head
home. Why dont we-
I dont wanna go home, I cut her off, because I suddenly couldnt stand the way
she was looking at me, like she was afraid I would fall apart any moment. I
thought we were going out for ice-cream. We can still go. My treat. I gave her a
look that dared her to object.
Alice blinked in surprise. Edward, I dont think-
Again, I interrupted her, struggling to keep my voice down, because my frustration
was growing. Alice, will you just fucking stop it? I said Im okay, and now I
wanna have ice-cream! If youre not up to it, Bella and I will just go by
ourselves. I turned to Bella. Youll come with me, right?
She bit her lip, glanced at Alice, and then nodded. Sure, baby. Whatever you

want. Her words should have pleased me, but for some reason, I just felt empty
inside. I didnt really want to go anywhere, except back to the car, so I could go
home, crawl into bed and forget this night ever happened. But I wasnt about to
admit it. I needed them all to see that I was okay.
Except that I wasnt. And it only made me more angry and determined to show
them otherwise.
Well all go, Jasper decided, giving Alices hand a squeeze. She gave him a
tearful look, then put on a strained smile and nodded.
And once again I felt like an ass. It was painfully obvious that they had only
agreed to appease me, and I couldnt care less about the fucking ice-cream.
Running my fingers through my hair in frustration, I then looked away with a sigh
of defeat. Never mind. Lets just get the fuck out of here.
Edward... Bella placed her hand softly on my arm, but I refused to look at her.
She sighed. Baby, if you really wanna go for ice-cream, we will.
I dont. I shook my head stubbornly, knowing I acted like a petulant kid. Well,
either that or a complete nutcase. It was probably leaning towards the latter. I
swallowed. I wanna go home.
This time, no one argued with me. I didnt speak again as we headed for my car,
and I remained silent all the way home. That night, I opened the notebook Dr.
Weber gave me on our first official session. After just staring at the blank page for
nearly twenty minutes, I finally started writing.

Chapter 85
BPOV
The double date with Alice and Jasper had turned out to be a disaster, and things
just seemed to go down-hill after that. I still spent a lot of time at the Cullens, and
it soon became very clear to me that the latest set-back was affecting all of them,
one way or another.
Alice was beating herself up for what happened, feeling horrible for pushing
Edward into something he was clearly not ready for. Emmett - having really
jumped into the protective-big-brother role - openly blamed both me and Alice at

first, insisting we shouldve known better than putting Edward in a position that
would obviously be traumatic for him. I honestly couldnt blame him.
Carlisle and Esme were trying to stay in good spirits in front of the family, but
even I could tell it was taking a toll on them as well. They both seemed really
tired, and Alice admitted she had overheard them arguing more than once over the
last couple of days. She never told me what they were fighting about, but I figured
it was none of my business, anyway.
Edward started distancing himself from me again, and it broke my heart, because
he didnt even seem aware of doing it, and I could tell it was hurting him in the
process, making him both confused and conflicted. I knew he wasnt deliberately
pushing me away, and physically, he was still there, hugging and kissing me any
chance he got. But he wouldnt talk to me.
Or maybe that wasnt entirely true, because we did talk, just not about what
happened. He would still claim to be perfectly fine should anyone ask, which
started to become downright ridiculous, because we could all see right through the
transparent facade he was trying so hard to keep up.
I did my best to show him my love and support, but I had stopped trying to force
him to open up to me. It would only have the opposite effect - I had learned that
the hard way.
But it was killing me inside, watching him behave more and more like a robot.
Gone were the emotional outbursts I had gotten used to and learned to accept - on
the rare occasions when someone dared to confront him, he would just nod and tell
them what they wanted to hear, clearly just to get them off his back.
School started again, which was both a relief and torture for me. It felt good to get
my mind off things for an hour or so, but at the same time, I just wanted to be with
Edward. We went to the meadow a couple of times, just sitting in the grass,
holding hands and talking about random, trivial stuff. Because that was all we
talked about these days - things that werent really important.
I just didnt know what to do.
The days dragged by, but finally, it was time for our next session with Dr. Weber.
To tell the truth, I couldnt wait to pour my heart out to her, praying she would be
able to help me. She had asked to see me first, and while I felt a bit bad for leaving
Edward alone out in the waiting room, I was hopeful when I stepped into her
office. No matter what happened now, things couldnt possibly get any worse.

Or so I hoped. Because I honestly didnt know how much more I could take.
Hello, Bella. Dr. Weber smiled and gestured for me to sit down. I slumped down
on the couch. How are you?
I shrugged. Ive been better, actually.
Her smile turned sympathetic. Do you want to tell me about it? Hesitating only
for a moment, I then told her everything that had happened since last week. She
just sat there listening to my story, not interrupting once. When I was done, tears
were streaming down my face, and she offered me a Kleenex. Im sorry, Bella. I
can tell youve had quite a rough week.
Ill be okay. I tried to smile, but failed miserably. Its Edward Im worried
about. I just dont know how to help him. I sniffled, and my bottom lip started
quivering. I suck as a girlfriend.
Bella, I want you to think back to when you first met Edward. Dr. Weber
paused, giving me a moment to do as she asked before she went on, Now, do you
see any difference at all in his behavior? Would you say he has changed since
then?
I let out a shuddering breath. Yes.
In what way?
Well... I bit my lip. He used to be angry all the time. He never really talked to
his family, and he wouldnt let anyone touch him.
Dr. Weber leaned back in the chair. And thats different now? I nodded. So
what do you think brought it on? What caused him to change and start letting other
people in?
Um... I hesitated, blushing a little. Id like to think I had at least a little
something to do with it.
Just something? She watched me thoughtfully. Bella, frankly, I think you have
everything to do with it. And do you know what else I think? I shook my head.
That you dont give yourself enough credit. You say you want to help Edward.
Did it ever occur to you that you already do?
Sure, I try. I lowered my eyes. But its not enough. Hes hurting and I cant
make it better, because he wont even admit that hes in pain. Instead he keeps

lying to himself and everyone else, pretending to be okay when we all know hes
not. Why does he have to be so stubborn?
She was quiet for a moment. It sounds to me like hes just afraid. It can be quite
scary to reach out a hand and ask for help.
I shook my head in objection. But he doesnt need to reach out, because Im
already there for him, and so is the rest of his family. He doesnt even have to
ask.
That may be true. She calmly met my eyes. But he still has to accept it.
Im not sure I understand. I shrugged, helplessly. Dr. Weber-
Please... she cut me off. Call me Angela.
Angela, I corrected myself. Edward was doing so much better. He was finally
letting me in completely, and he seemed happier. He even started hanging out with
Alice and Emmett more. I really didnt think I was pushing him or anything, at
least not intentionally. You think it was just too much too soon? Could I have done
something differently? Maybe if we hadnt gone to the movies-
Bella... Angela interrupted, softly. Do you want to hear what I think? I
nodded. I think youre beating yourself up over something thats out of your
control. The incident at the movies just sounds like the last straw in a chain of
unfortunate events. She looked me in the eyes. Edward is a survivor, but he
doesnt necessarily see himself that way. At least hes not there yet.
I opened my mouth, but she wasnt finished, Hes gone through a horrible ordeal,
and yet hes still here, still struggling. This may sound crude, but sadly, theres
nothing unique about Edwards situation. What he has been through, these things
happen to children all over the world, every day. And a lot of them dont have the
strength to rise and take their life back. A lot of them just give up.
A tear trickled down my cheek, and I quickly brushed it away. Angela smiled
sadly. The main reason these children give up is because they are alone. They
might not have a family - or someone like you.
What are you saying? I looked at her in confusion. That Edwards lucky? That
doesnt make any sense.
I believe hes lucky to have you in his life, yes. Angela folded her hands in her
lap, giving me a moment to let her words sink in. Youre obviously a sweet and

caring person - which is exactly what Edward needs. But you need to be patient
with him. Allow him to have his set-backs. Because it will happen again. Im not
saying this to scare you, but you need to be prepared.
I swallowed. You make it sound like hell never get over what happened to him.
Something in Angelas expression changed then, although I couldnt put my finger
on what it was. She shook her head. Bella, he wont.
But... I started, my heart dropping, but she held up a hand to stop me.
With the right counseling, lots of therapy, and last but not least - enough love and
support from the people closest to him, Edward will hopefully one day be able to
make peace with his past and be content with his life. Angelas face was dead
serious as she went on, But he will never fully get over what happened, because
his past will always be just that - his past. As in a part of him.
Technically, I already knew this. Still, getting it confirmed by a professional struck
me hard. My eyes were stinging again and I took a deep breath, willing the tears to
stay away. I was so tired of crying.
Some days will be hard, and others will be better, Angela continued. She paused.
Ive noticed you seem to be very focused on helping Edward, which is a good
thing, dont get me wrong. But I think its also important that you dont lose
yourself in the process. You have your own needs to tend to as well.
I frowned at her words, feeling slightly offended. Edwards needs will come first.
Mine arent that important.
Bella, your needs are every bit as important as Edwards. Seeing that I was
about to protest, Angela hurried on explaining, His needs may be different from
yours, but that doesnt make yours insignificant in any way.
I stubbornly shook my head. I disagree.
She nodded in acceptance. I can see that. And thats something were going to
have to work on.
What do you mean? I looked at her in alarm. Im just here for Edward, because
I want to understand him better.
And I want to help you with that, Angela assured me, patiently. But Bella, to
understand someone else, you have to start with yourself. You need to

acknowledge your own feelings and emotions. She was quiet for a moment. On
our first session, Edward asked me if I was going to fix him. But hes not a
machine - hes a human being. Same goes for you, Bella. You think, and you hurt,
and you feel.
I felt my cheeks turn hot. I know that. Of course I do. Im not stupid.
I never said you were. She got a thoughtful look on her face. Tell me
something, Bella. What do you like to do in your free time, when youre not at
school?
Um... I was a bit taken aback by her sudden change of subject. I like to be with
Edward.
She nodded in understanding. Do you have any other friends?
Sure. I shifted my position a little on the couch. I also hang out with Alice.
Thats Edwards sister.
Oh, yeah, I remember him mentioning her. Angela smiled. What about
hobbies? Do you play any instrument? You like sports? Cheerleading?
I snorted. Hardly. I have two left feet and I trip on a flat surface.
She let out a soft laugh, but it wasnt mocking in any way. Well, something else,
then?
I thought for a moment. I like to read.
Thats great. Her smile turned into one of encouragement. Tell me about the
last book you read.
I opened my mouth, then closed it again. Actually, I dont remember. Its been a
while.
Thats okay. Angela watched me in silence for a few seconds, and I found
myself wondering what she was thinking. So far, this session hadnt turned out
quite the way I had expected. In a way, I could see where Angela was going with
this, and I could even appreciate her concern. I just didnt find it necessary.
So Edward was my first priority. I didnt see any problem with that, and I wouldnt
want it any other way. He was my boyfriend. My love.

My everything.
Do you want to tell me what youre thinking right now? Angelas voice snapped
me out of my thoughts.
I shrugged, awkwardly lowering my eyes. Im thinking about Edward.
I see. She tucked her long, dark hair behind her ear. Edward is just outside this
room. Are you worried about him?
Yes. No. Maybe. I sighed. I dont like it when hes not being honest with me. I
mean, I know hes not okay. I dont understand why he cant just admit it.
Angela took a small sip from her glass of water. Maybe youre right - hes not
okay. Does that change the way you feel about him?
What? I blinked at her in shock. No, of course not! Why would you even ask
me that?
She looked at me, calmly. Its obvious to you. But have you told Edward?
Yes, of course, I tell him all the time. I stopped, hesitating a little. Well, at least
I think so. I mean, he has to know. Right? I gave her an uncertain look.
You tell me. She put the glass down. Maybe you just need to be a little more
specific. Let him know its okay for him not to be okay. That you accept him just
the way he is.
But he already knows that! She just kept looking at me, and I felt a lump in my
throat. Doesnt he?
Suddenly I didnt know what to think.
You need to understand this. Angela ignored my question. When you have gone
through a trauma as severe as Edwards, there is never a straight road to recovery.
Its just not possible. There will be bumps along the way, and sometimes you have
to take two steps forward and then one step back. Other times, youll take one step
forward and two steps back. Thats a simple fact.
I swallowed hard and nodded, indicating that I was listening. She continued,
Despite which direction, every step is progress, as long as you can accept it and
learn something from it. Now heres the dilemma. When you have to struggle
every day, just to keep your head above the water, you dont see things that way.

When youre in that position, up is the only way that counts.

Okay... I figured she was speaking metaphorically. Still, I wasnt quite
following.
In other words, you see even the smallest set-back as a failure, Angela clarified.
But here is where you can help. You can remind him, as many times as it takes,
that its not true. That simply by fighting his demons, hes on the right path. And
most importantly - that he is not alone. Only when he truly sees that will he be
able to open up to you completely.
I watched her with large eyes as I took in her words. It all made perfect sense to
me now, and I had to admit I had never thought of it that way before. I had been so
focused on helping Edward with his struggling, making it easier for him, that I had
never stopped and considered the fact that he might not need me to fight all his
battles for him.
Maybe he just needed me to encourage him. To love him.
I could do that.
Before I knew it, my time alone with Angela was up. It had been interesting, but
also painful, and I nearly burst into tears again when I left the office and stepped
back out into the waiting room. Edward was anxiously pacing the room, clearly
tired of sitting still and just waiting, but as soon as he spotted me, he stopped and
hurried over to me.
You all right, love? He eyed me worriedly, running his knuckles gently down
my cheek.
I nodded, trying to smile at him. Ive just gotten some things to think about. Ill
tell you when we get home. His eyes narrowed and I could tell he wanted me to
give him a little more information than that, but Angela chose that moment to poke
her head out and ask him to step inside. For a moment, I thought he was going to
object, but then he let out a defeated sigh and nodded in acceptance.
Ill be right here, baby, I assured him, gesturing towards the line of empty chairs
before leaning in to give him a peck on the lips. Ill see you soon. He nodded
again, took a deep breath, and gave me one last, almost pleading look. Then he
was gone.
I dropped down in a chair, suddenly feeling very tired. And it wasnt over yet. I
would have to go back in there in about thirty minutes and finish the session with

Edward. The thought made my heart sink. I liked Angela, a lot more than I had
expected, actually, but I was already mentally exhausted.
And I could only imagine how Edward felt. If this was hard for me, it had to be a
million times worse for him.
There were a few different magazines and newspapers on a small table, and I just
chose one randomly, because I honestly couldnt bring myself to care. I was just in
a desperate need of some distraction. Absently turning page after page without
really reading the articles, I willed the time to pass. I just wanted it to be over, so
Edward and I could go home and talk.
I had been in the office with Angela for half an hour, and was expecting Edward to
be in there just as long. So I was taken off guard when the door suddenly opened,
less than twenty minutes later, and Angela was standing in the doorway. She
wasnt smiling, and for the first time, there was a slight hint of distress on her face.
And her next words made my stomach drop even more. Bella, would you please
come back in here? We need you.

Chapter 86
EPOV
Its good to see you again, Edward, Dr. Weber greeted me as I closed the door
behind me. I just nodded in acknowledgment and walked over to the couch, sitting
down without a word. Having half expected her to ask me if I was okay, I had to
admit it was a relief when she didnt.
I was so fucking sick of people asking me that.
So how was your week? she asked now, and I suppressed the urge to groan,
because technically, she hadnt used the word okay.
Good. I shrugged. This was already getting old. Something occurred to me then,
and I glanced at her. Hey, Bella seemed upset when she left here. What
happened?
She calmly placed her hands in her lap. I wouldnt necessarily say upset. More

like emotional. Maybe a little overwhelmed. And that doesnt have to be a bad
thing.
I wasnt convinced. What happened? I asked again, unable to keep the edge out
of my voice.
Youre going to have to ask her that yourself. She looked me right in the eyes.
Im sure you understand that Im not going to sit here and tell you exactly what
Bella and I talked about.
Of course I understood. It just made me really uncomfortable not knowing. I
dont mind if you tell Bella things that we talk about, I muttered. I dont have
anything to hide from her.
Are you sure about that? Because she seems to think you do. My eyes widened
in surprise and I opened my mouth, although I had no idea what to say. She held
up a hand to indicate that I should wait for her to explain. I can tell you this
much, Edward. Bella is worried that youre not being completely honest about
your feelings. What do you think?
For a moment, I just stared at her, feeling like my head was spinning. I had been
trying so fucking hard to convince Bella that she shouldnt worry about me, but
apparently, I had been doing a piss-poor job. I just wanted her to be happy, but
obviously I had failed. Again. I swallowed. I never meant to hurt her.
And she knows that. There was conviction in her voice. Edward, I want you to
put yourself in Bellas position. Lets say you found out that shes been upset
about something for a long time, and kept it all from you. How would that make
you feel?
My throat suddenly felt very tight. I wouldnt like it, I mumbled.
Dr. Weber nodded. And why not? Would it make you angry at her? Would you
feel betrayed?
No! I shook my head, fiercely. I just wouldnt want her to be in pain and not
being able to help her. She just looked at me pointedly, and I realized where she
was going with this. Oh.
Exactly. She looked very pleased. I think you already know this, but sometimes
its easy to forget. A pause. Edward, Bella knows you have a lot to deal with.
She doesnt want you to pretend to be something youre not. She just wants you to
be yourself. Thats who she fell in love with.

I closed my eyes, shaking my head again. Thats not fucking good enough. Im
not good enough.
Now why would you say that? I thought I could hear a slight hint of disapproval
in her voice. What makes you think youre not good enough for Bella?
Because... I jumped up from the couch, suddenly too agitated to sit still. Its
true, isnt it? I want to be good for her, but lets face it - I cant do any of the things
a normal boyfriend would do. I cant even take her to the movies without freaking
out and cause a scene, because Im too screwed up!
Why do you think that is? I just looked at her blankly, not understanding what
she meant. She clarified, Let me remind you, Edward, that those are your words,
not mine. Im not saying I agree with you. But you just said youre screwed up,
and Id like to understand how youre thinking, so please, just humor me. Youve
already established how - now Im more interested in why.
I was still confused. Youre asking me why Im screwed up? Why do you think?
I know what I think. She was facing my direction, but made no motion to get up.
If you want, Ill be happy to share my theories with you, but first, I want you to
tell me what youbelieve is the cause.
Fuck this!
I clenched my fists, angry at her for wanting me to say out loud what I could
barely admit in my own head. But I somehow forced myself to keep my temper in
check as I spoke. I dont wanna do this. Can we talk about something else?
We can talk about whatever you want, Dr. Weber assured me, although I could
sense the but coming. She continued, But Edward, the reason youre here is
because you want to be able to put your past where it belongs - behind you.
Youve said so yourself. Its not healthy for you to keep it all locked up inside.
When I didnt respond, she went on, I realize its difficult for you to talk about
what happened, what your stepfather did to you. Its perfectly understandable. But
the fact remains - it did happen. I rolled my eyes - as if I didnt know that. It will
never be easy to talk about it. But in time, it will get easier. Do you see the
difference?
Sure. I stubbornly crossed my arms over my chest. So lets just wait, and Ill
tell you why Im so screwed up in a month or so. You know, when its easier. I

didnt even try to keep the sarcasm out of my voice this time.
Sadly, it doesnt work that way, which Im sure you already know. She sounded
genuinely regretful. Edward, I have a proposition for you. Its just an idea that
Ive been meaning to run by you - something I think might be helpful to you - and
I will tell you about it in a minute. But first, let me ask you something. Have you
started writing in your notebook?
There it was - the million dollar question. To tell the truth, I wasnt sure my
furious scribblings would even count as writing, but I had started filling the pages
with words. I was pretty convinced the good doc would find the contents
disturbing, though. Hell, I knew I did. At least I was being honest in that fucking
book.
Not really, no, I lied. She wouldnt want to know, I tried telling myself. But the
truth was,I didnt want her to know. Somehow, Dr. Weber had become another
person I was bound to disappoint.
She was quiet for a moment, and when she spoke, I knew she had seen right
through me. Its your notebook, Edward. When I gave it to you, I told you Ill
never have to read it. If you want to share your thoughts with me, Ill listen. If you
dont, then thats okay too. The whole point of the book is for you to have an
alternate way to express yourself when you have a hard time doing it verbally.
I looked away, although I could still feel her eyes on me.
So, Im going to ask you again. Have you started writing in your notebook?
I made a face, still not looking at her. Yes.
I see. Well, Im glad. And just like that, she let it go. Now, here is what I
wanted to discuss with you. Aside from private sessions, Im also running group
therapy sessions once a week. Do you know what that means? I shook my head.
Well, basically, it gives you a chance to meet other people who have all been
through what you have - one way or another.
My eyes widened at her words, but I couldnt bring myself to respond. I started to
feel the familiar pressure over my chest, but tried to ignore it. That was when I
realized she was still talking, and I shook my head in a weak attempt to clear it.
Im sorry, what?
Dr. Weber paused to take in my appearance, her expression turning into concern.
Did you hear a word of what I just said? Youre awfully pale. Would you like

some water? Are you-

Im fine, I cut her off, then almost laughed out loud, because I was obviously
nowhere near it, and I doubted I would ever be. It suddenly hit me that I was
standing with my back against the wall, in the corner of the room, and I tried to
take a step forward, only to find that my feet refused to move. I inhaled sharply,
struggling to get some air into my lungs.
Remember where you are, Edward. Youre in my office. Look around you and
tell me what you see.
Dr. Weber was speaking in a calm, soothing voice, but I ignored her instructions.
Group session? I managed to get out. How many people?
She looked a little surprised, but quickly recovered. Last time - which was two
days ago - there were eight people, plus me. Both men and women, ages from
thirteen to forty-two.
I swallowed a couple of times, but couldnt get rid of the lump in my throat. And
they all...?
Their situations may be different from yours in some ways, Dr. Weber quietly
explained. But you all have one thing in common. You have all been sexually
assaulted at some point of your life. And you all need help to move on. I believe it
would be of great benefit for you to attend one of these meetings. You wouldnt
even have to speak if you dont want to. You can just listen.
Uh-huh. Right. I was barely listening at this point, because it was just too much
to process at once, and I felt like my brain was overflowing. Other people like me,
with similar experiences? And the doc wanted me to hear their stories? Hell, I
couldnt even deal with my own! I shook my head. No, I cant. I-I dont want to.
Just take some time to think about it. She didnt sound surprised, nor offended.
You dont have to decide anything right now.
I said I dont fucking want to! I yelled, my fingers itching for something to
break, but there was nothing within reach.
Okay, I hear you. She stood up, but didnt come any closer. Edward, I wont
force you. It was just an idea. You see, these type of sessions have proved to be
very helpful, for a lot of people.
My fingernails were digging into my palms, but I didnt feel any pain. Well, Im

not like them! I growled.

I understand. She held up her hands in a calming gesture. I can see the subject
is upsetting you. Can you tell me why?
I opened my mouth, but no words came out. I was shaking and breathing heavily,
but I couldnt explain why, because I wasnt certain myself. Get Bella in here, I
croaked, angry at myself for not being able to keep my emotions under control. I
was falling apart, and I hated myself for being so weak, so fucking unstable. When
she didnt move, I failed to hold back a sob. Please! I want Bella.
She was hesitating, I could tell as much, but then she nodded in acceptance. All
right. Sure. Ill be right back. As she turned and headed for the door, I slid down
to the floor, wrapping my arms around my body, and buried my face in my knees.
Fuck!
I felt Bellas presence even before my mind had grasped the fact that she had
entered the room, and my head shot up as I searched for her in desperation. When
my eyes finally landed on her, she was already by my side, kneeling on the floor
next to me with tears in her eyes. Baby, whats wrong? she whispered, running
her fingers gently through my hair. Im right here, Edward. Are you okay?
Yes. Yes, I am! No, hell no! Fuck, just dont go!
I shook my head and reached out for her blindly. Im sorry, I choked out,
clinging to her almost desperately. Bella, I cant do this.
Do what? She sounded alarmed, although she held on to me tightly. Edward,
what are you talking about?
Im sorry, I repeated, hating the way my voice was trembling. I hurt you again.
I didnt mean to.
Bella pulled back a little so she could look at me. I dont understand.
I tried, Bella, I fucking did. I promise. I took a shaky breath. I dont see how
you put up with me. Im too fucking damaged. Tears were burning in my eyes but
I furiously blinked them away.
Dont say that! Bella sounded appalled. Its not true.
I let go of her abruptly, clenching and unclenching my fists as my agitation grew

by the second. I know you want me to be okay, but Im not. Not even close. I
cant be a good boyfriend to you, because Im a fucking mess! My voice got
louder and louder, but I didnt stop. I cant even let my guard down and relax,
because when I do, something always happens. Every fucking time, and its not
fucking fair!
Youre right - its not. Both Bella and I jumped slightly when Dr. Weber spoke
up from across the room. To tell the truth, I had forgotten she was still there. I
turned my eyes to her in bewilderment, and she went on explaining, There is
nothing fair about your situation, Edward. Nothing at all. Now the question is, are
you willing to accept the injustice of it all for what it is? Only then will you be
able to heal.
I... My voice cracked. I dont wanna be broken. Bella squeezed my hand, and
when I looked at her, I noticed she was sniffling quietly. Dont cry, love, I
pleaded, and it was only when she reached out a shaky hand and brushed her
fingers down my cheek that I realized she wasnt the only one.
Healing is a process, Dr. Weber continued softly. And sadly, there are no
shortcuts. You cant just will yourself to recover from a trauma when your mind
isnt ready. These things take time, and you have to let them.
How much time? It never fucking stops! I was sobbing now, and hated myself
for it - there just didnt seem to be an end to my humiliation. Bella wrapped her
arms gently around me, clearly in an attempt to comfort me. It was all just too
much.
Edward, I love you, Bella murmured into my ear, her voice thick with emotion.
Ive known all along that youre not okay - you dont have to be. Well work it
out together, you hear? Im so proud of you for trying, but you need to stop
pushing yourself so hard. Thats not what I want. Just be you. I let out a bitter
laugh.
I dont like who I am, I admitted in a low voice.
I do, she whispered, rubbing her cheek softly against my hair. And just like that,
I felt my body relax, if ever so slightly.
We just sat like that for a couple of minutes, until Dr. Weber once again reminded
us of her presence by clearing her throat. This is progress. Youre both being
honest with each other, which is a huge step in the right direction. Edward, I have
to admit I was a bit hesitant to bring Bella in here at first, but I think it was
important for you to clear the air. Dont you agree?

I reluctantly pulled back a little from Bella, trying not to feel embarrassed by my
breakdown, but it was hard. Quickly wiping my eyes, I then turned to Dr. Weber.
Yeah, I guess. I could breathe easier now, which was a huge relief. And my heart
was back to beating like normal.
She nodded, then turned to Bella. And what do you think, Bella? Edward just told
you how he feels. Was it hard for you to hear?
I glanced at Bella, and noticed she was still a little misty-eyed. She swallowed
visibly. Yes, it was very hard. But also good, I think. She looked at me. I mean
it, baby, Im glad you told me. And please dont think youre not good enough for
me, because I will never feel that way. I love you so much, just the way you are.
I love you, too, I whispered, feeling my eyes sting again. That was when I
realized we were still on the floor, and I scrambled to my feet, gently pulling Bella
up with me. I threw a shameful look at Dr. Weber, suddenly feeling like I should
apologize for my behavior. But I could see understanding in her eyes, and her
expression told me no apologies were necessary. I relaxed again.
We still have about twenty minutes to go, she informed us. Why dont you sit
down and make yourselves a bit more comfortable? As Bella and I obeyed,
making our way to the couch, Dr. Weber got up and headed for the large watercooler across the room. She returned a moment later with two full glasses, putting
them down on the table in front of me and Bella without a word. Then she sat
down as well.
She looked at me. Edward, I need you to understand something. Like I said
before - this is going to be difficult. It will always be painful to talk about your
past, but for you to be able to move on, talking is necessary. There is no getting
around that. Are you with me? I sighed, then reluctantly nodded. She looked
pleased and continued, Now, are you going to make an honest attempt of beating
your demons?
I closed my eyes, then opened them again as I felt Bellas hand cover mine. Our
eyes met for a moment. Then I turned back to Dr. Weber with determination. Yes,
I am.

Chapter 87
BPOV

This time we went straight back to Forks after the session, and when Edward
dropped me off at my house, I was actually relieved to be home. If it was up to me,
I would gladly spend every moment of my time with him, but right now, I was
completely and utterly exhausted and just longed for my own bed. I could feel the
beginning of a headache, and figured the intensity of the session was catching up
on me.
I wanted to cry, and at the same time, I felt more hopeful than I had in a long time.
To say that Angela was a good therapist would be a huge understatement - the way
she had handled Edward was amazing. Of course, I could tell he still didnt trust
her completely, but who could blame him? For the first time, I got the feeling he
genuinely wanted to trust her, to believe she had the ability to help him.
And maybe with her help, he would finally be able to believe in himself. I wasnt
naive enough to think it would happen today - or even next week - nor did I expect
everything to go smoothly from now on, but like Angela had said - this was a start,
a step in the right direction. It was good news, and that was something both
Edward and I needed badly right now.
Charlie was waiting for me in the living room, only he tried to make it seem like
he was just really into the reality show he pretended to be watching, but I wasnt
fooled - I knew he hated those type of TV shows. He looked up when I entered the
room. Hey, Bells. How did it go today?
Yes, I had finally come clean and told Charlie about my therapy sessions with
Edward, a couple of days ago. And to my great relief, he had taken it really well.
In fact, he had insisted on contacting Carlisle so the two of them could work out
some sort of agreement regarding the costs. It was very nice of him, I supposed.
It went okay, I guess. I shivered. Is it cold in here?
Hm? Um, I dont think so. Charlie looked a little confused.
Oh. I shrugged. Guess its just me, then.
He got a somewhat concerned look on his face. You look a little flushed. Are you
feeling okay?
Yeah, Im just tired. I forced a smile. Long day and all.
I can imagine. He was quiet for a moment, then an idea seemed to hit him. Hey,

are you hungry? Maybe youll feel better once youve had something to eat.
I chuckled. You mean theres actually food in the house?
He looked a little sheepish. Well, I could always fix you a grilled cheese or
something. Ill do groceries tomorrow.
This time my smile was genuine. Thats okay, Dad, Im not really hungry. But
thanks. He merely grunted in response.
I hesitated a little. As much as I wanted to just go upstairs and crawl into bed,
hoping to feel better in the morning, this seemed like a good opportunity to get
some answers. After all, Charlie had asked me about the therapy, which could only
mean he wasnt totally opposed to discussing the subject a little further.
Hey, Dad, can I ask you something? I made my way over to the couch and sat
down. He glanced at me, obviously waiting for me to go on. I took a deep breath.
Look, youve been really cool about this whole therapy thing. I paused. In fact,
almost too cool.
Charlie raised a brow. Not that I dont appreciate it, I hurried to add. I guess
Im just a little surprised. I mean, I told you Edward and I are seeing a therapist
together, and you barely blinked. You didnt even ask why. Arent you curious?
Well, I didnt want to overstep my bounds. He sighed. Bella, the truth is, Im
happy youre seeing a therapist. I wish I had thought of suggesting it myself, after
Rene... his voice trailed off. I opened my mouth, but he went on before I could
interrupt, I know youre mainly doing it for the boy, but that doesnt mean it can't
be good for you as well.
Well, yeah. I didnt know what else to say.
Its always good to have someone to talk to. He cleared his throat, suddenly
looking a little embarrassed. God knows Im not the chattiest person in town. I
blinked in surprise at my fathers use of the word chattiest. It just didnt sound
like something from his usual vocabulary.
Youre doing just fine, Dad, I assured him. And I meant it. Sure, he usually
didnt talk much, but I wouldnt want him any other way. I bit my lip. Um, do
you mind if I ask how much you really know... about Edwards... situation?
Charlies eyes darkened, and I held my breath. This was it. I had finally asked,
straight out.

Now the question was, would I get an answer?

He just looked at me for the longest time, and then he let out a sigh. I know hes
very lucky Carlisle happened to be transferred to the Northwestern Memorial
Hospital in Chicago about eight years ago. Because if it wasnt for him, I dont
want to think about where that boy would be today.
I swallowed. So you know why... Edward ended up there. At the hospital, I
mean.
Yes, Bella, I know. Charlie sighed again. There are some really sick people out
there, kiddo. As a former officer, and now the Chief of Police, Ive seen a lot. But
Im telling you... he shook his head, ...sometimes you just wonder where the
world is headed.
I didnt respond, because there were just no words. He was right.
Charlies face softened a little. I also know Edwards lucky to have found you.
This must be hard for you, too, Bells. Howre you holding up?
Im the lucky one. And Im hanging in there. I shrugged. Then I shivered again.
Seriously, Dad, are you sure the heating systems working? Its freezing in here.
Bella, its at least 70 degrees in the house. He frowned at me. Maybe youre
coming down with something. Ive heard the flus going around. You should get
some rest.
I was about to object, but as I opened my mouth, I was unable to suppress a yawn.
Suddenly I didnt see the point in arguing, so I nodded in agreement. I think I
will. And Im sure its nothing. Ill probably feel better tomorrow. I got up,
ignoring the skeptical look on his face. Night, Dad.
Night, honey. Just yell if you need anything. He picked up the remote and turned
his attention to the TV. And I headed for the stairs, intending to get a full nights
sleep and hopefully feel like a new person in the morning. Unfortunately, things
didnt turn out the way I had planned.
I woke up the next morning with a sore throat, a dripping nose, and a body that
weighed 300 pounds, or at least thats how it felt, because I could barely move.
For a moment I panicked, Charlies words about the flu ringing in my head. I
couldnt be sick today. For one thing, Ihated being sick. And more importantly,
how would I be able to go to school and see Edward, feeling like this?

Literally struggling for almost a minute just to sit up, I then tried swinging my legs
over the edge of my bed, only to fall back down again with a groan. Then I
sneezed. Three times. Great! Not only was I weak as a kitten - I would also repel
everyone I came across. Well, too bad, because I was going to school. I tried to sit
up again, doing my best to ignore that my entire body was aching.
Somehow, I managed to get out of bed. I was even able to leave my room and head
for the bathroom, stubbornly telling myself I would feel better after a hot shower.
That was when I ran into Charlie in the hallway. He took one look at me, and sent
me right back to bed. Of course, I protested.
Dad, I have to go to school, I explained in a weak, nasal voice, not sounding like
me at all. I cringed, but wasnt ready to back down.
Sure you do, kid, but not today, was his response. I opened my mouth to object,
only to have a coughing fit. When I could finally breathe again, I gave my dad a
pleading look. He actually rolled his eyes at me. Then he pointed sternly towards
my room. And I could only obey.
Of course, I wouldnt let on what a wonderful relief it was to crawl back into bed
and not have to move again, because Charlie had followed me into my room,
clearly not trusting me to do as he said. I pulled the thick duvet over my shivering
body and did my best to appear displeased with him for making me stay home,
when secretly, my body was thanking him.
Because, really, who was I kidding? I was sick. Then again, just because I could
finally admit it to myself, didnt mean I had to like it. Ignoring my childish pout,
Charlie promised me he would call the Cullens and let Edward know I wouldnt be
at school today, and I found myself too tired to object anymore. So I just nodded
and closed my eyes, and before I knew it, I was deep asleep.
OoO
EPOV
Hey, Edward, Charlie just called, Alice announced as she entered the kitchen
and headed straight for the fridge. Bellas not coming to school today - shes sick.
Sorry. She pulled out a half-full pitcher of orange juice, grabbed a glass and
walked over to the table.
What? My eyes shot to hers and I put my coffee down a little harder than I had

intended. Whats wrong with her? I was unable to keep the concern out of my
voice. Bella was sick? She had been fine yesterday. Or hadnt she? Had I been too
caught up with my own shit to notice? I suddenly didnt know what to think.
He said it was probably just a cold, but it could be the flu. Alice shrugged and
took a sip of her juice. Either way, its nothing serious. Charlie said to tell you
that you wont have to pick her up today.
My eyes narrowed suspiciously. If its nothing serious, then why didnt Bella just
call herself?
She put the glass down with a sigh and gave me a patient look. Because she was
sleeping. Shes sick, Edward - she obviously needs her rest. Im sure shell call
you later, or you can call her after school. Really, its okay. Shell be fine.
I knew she was probably right and that I was over-reacting, but I didnt like the
idea of Bella being sick. However, there was nothing I could do about it now.
Sighing, I picked up my cup again and gulped the rest of the contents down, trying
to push my disappointment over not seeing Bella today to the back of my mind. I
had no right to feel sorry for myself - Bella was the one who was sick, not me.
Bella and I only had Biology together, so it wasnt like I normally got to see her a
lot before lunch. But that didnt mean I didnt miss her. The morning classes
dragged by, the time seeming to pass even slower than usual, and when it was
finally time for lunch, I was in a really bad mood. I threw my books into my
locker and slammed the door shut, glaring daggers at those who dared looking in
my direction.
Wow, Alice wasnt kidding. I spun around at the sound of Emmetts voice,
coming from behind me.
What the fuck are you talking about? I all but growled. His eyes widened
slightly and he quickly raised his hands in surrender. I instantly felt bad for
snapping at him, but the guilt didnt completely make my irritation go away.
Closing my eyes and silently counting to five, I then managed a halfhearted
attempt of looking apologetic. Sorry, I muttered. What about Alice?
He watched me somewhat warily. Oh, she just said to give you some space today,
with Bella being sick and all. She thought you might not be in the best of moods.
Looks like she was right. He gave me a look I figured was meant to be
sympathetic, but I was still too annoyed to care.
Then his words registered, and I frowned at him. Wait, if Alice told you to give

me space, then what the fuck are you doing here?

A shrug, followed by a smirk. Since when do I listen to Alice?
I rolled my eyes, because he had a point. What-the-fuck-ever. Did you want
something?
Just thought you might want some company. I blinked in confusion, and he
clarified, Its lunchtime. I stared at him in disbelief, and just like that, the anger
that had been building up inside me all morning disappeared. Suddenly I felt a
huge lump in my throat. Was he fucking serious?
Seeing my stunned expression, Emmett let out a nervous chuckle. Thought I
could get us something from the cafeteria, and then we just go sit outside or
something. I realize Im a piss-poor substitute for Bella, but... He shrugged,
looking a bit uncomfortable.
Somehow, I managed to find my voice. No, um... I mean, Id like that. Thanks. I
awkwardly lowered my eyes, but not fast enough to miss the look of relief on his
face, and it became clear to me that he had expected me to turn him down. I
swallowed hard. He really didnt have to do this. But I was surprised by how much
I appreciated it.
Lets go, then, shall we? Emmett took a step back, only to accidentally bump
into someone who was passing by. Oh, sorry. He turned around to face the
person behind him, and judging by the way his expression changed, I instinctively
knew he wished he could take the apology back.
Mike fucking Newton. Who else?
Hey, watch it! Mike sounded annoyed. Then, obviously just realizing who was
standing in front of him, the stupid fucker actually blanched a little.
Maybe I shouldve just let it go, but - like Emmett so tactfully had pointed out a
moment ago - I wasnt in the best of moods. So I glared at Mike. He said he was
fucking sorry, asshole!
Yeah, yeah, whatever. Mike held up his hands in defense, clearly deciding to
drop it. At first, I honestly didnt know whether to be relieved or disappointed, but
then I figured it was just as well, seeing how it was probably not a good idea to get
into another fight with the annoying douche bag. So I turned around and started to
walk away, Emmett in tow, when I heard him mutter under his breath, Freak.

However, I barely got the chance to react before Emmett stopped dead in his
tracks, and had it been a fucking cartoon, you wouldve heard the sound of
screeching tires as he came to a halt next to me. He spun around, glaring at Mike
with fury in his eyes. What the fuck did you just say?
Mikes eyes widened in alarm, and he wisely took a step back. Then he actually
gulped. Um, nothing? Hey, Ill just-
Now, we both know thats a lie, Emmett cut him off, taking a threatening step
towards Mike, who cast a nervous look around him, as if looking for someone to
come save his sorry ass. People who were passing by threw curious looks in our
direction, but no one seemed willing to interfere. I just stood back, awkwardly
watching the scene playing out in front of me.
Okay, heres whats gonna happen, Newton, Emmett continued, his voice cold as
ice. You are going to apologize to my brother, and I wont beat you to a bloody
pulp. Mike looked ready to piss his pants, and thats when I reluctantly decided it
was time to step in. Not because I gave a damn about Mike getting his ass kicked,
but it wasnt right for Emmett to get in trouble because of me.
Hell, a part of me still couldnt believe he would actually stand up for me against
Mike in the first place. But he had, and now I needed to stop him from doing
something he would without doubt come to regret once the adrenaline rush had
worn off. I had been there myself, way too many times. So I carefully grabbed
Emmett by the arm to catch his attention. Lets just get out of here. Hes not
fucking worth it.
Two sets of eyes turned to me at the same time. Mike had a sudden look of hope
on his face, as if I had just become his fucking savior. And Emmett stared at me
like I had just lost my mind. Are you fucking kidding me, Edward? You heard
what he said! You cant expect me to just let him get away with it.
Actually, I still had a hard time taking in the fact that he even cared. The kids at
school had been throwing insults at me and whispered behind my back for as long
as I could remember, and it had never seemed to bother him before. Then again, a
lot of things had changed lately.
Now I watched him look between me and Mike, clearly torn, and I held back a
sigh. I mean it, Emmett. Just drop it. I dont care.
Well, I do, he mumbled, suddenly reminding me of Bella yesterday at the
session, when I had admitted that I didnt like myself. Those had been her exact
words - I do.

All of a sudden, I wanted to fucking cry. And it hit me that I had probably cried
more the last couple of months than I had before in my entire life. Fucking
pathetic. I took a deep breath. Lets just go.
He just looked at me for a moment, obviously not knowing what to do, and then
something in my eyes must have told him I was serious, because he let out a
defeated sigh and nodded. Fine. He turned back to Mike. Guess its your lucky
day, Newton. You can thank Edward for not getting your ass kicked six ways to
Sunday.
I rolled my eyes, giving Mike a warning look. Dont even think about thanking
me, ass-face. Just turn around and get the fuck out of my sight. I dont know what
I had expected to happen, but it sure wasnt for Mike to instantly take the
opportunity to obey, backing away so quickly that he actually tripped over his feet
and landed on his ass, right there in the middle of the hallway.
That was all it took for Emmett to crack up. Run, Mikey, run! he yelled, letting
out a booming laugh. People were staring at us, and someone in the crowd
giggled. Mike scrambled to his feet and hurried away, his face red with
embarrassment. Emmett turned to me, a wide grin on his face. Man, that was
even more fun than kicking his ass! Now lets go eat. Im starving!
I just shook my head in bewilderment, following him towards the cafeteria.

Chapter 88
EPOV
...pizza?
I had been so caught up in my thoughts that I hadnt even noticed we had stopped
outside the cafeteria, and I blinked in confusion. Emmett was looking at me
expectantly, and I realized he had just asked me something and was obviously
waiting for an answer. I shook my head to clear it. What?
He let out a patient sigh. I said, do you want pizza? Im going to get us some
food, remember? You can just wait here, Ill be right back.
Right. Yeah, sure, pizzas fine. I nodded absently, and he turned to leave. No,

wait! Emmett stopped in his tracks, giving me a questioning look. I peeked into
the cafeteria and took a deep breath. You dont have to do that. We can just... go
in there. He just looked at me blankly, and I clarified, To eat, I mean.
His eyes widened and he stared at me in disbelief. You want to go in there? To
the cafeteria? To eat?
I gulped. Um, yeah? I hadnt meant for it to come out as a question. But I knew I
couldnt blame Emmett for being skeptical. Hell, I didnt know what had
possessed me to suggest something like that, and I was just as surprised as he was,
if not more.
Emmett watched me silently for a few seconds, and then he shook his head.
Edward, you never eat in the cafeteria. Ever. And thats fine - you dont have to.
I opened my mouth, but he went on before I could object, Im serious, man. You
dont have to prove anything to me.
Thats not... I stopped myself as a thought had just occurred to me - maybe he
didnt want people to see us eating together. And why should he? I was a fucking
freak, right? Trying to keep the hurt out of my voice, I shrugged. Never mind, I
get it. If you dont wanna-
He cut me off, not giving me a chance to finish the sentence, This has nothing to
do with me, all right? Thats just ridiculous. Look, I just dont get it. But if youre
sure thats what you want, then okay. Im fine with going in there, as long as you
are. He looked at me for confirmation, and I nodded.
Honestly, I wasnt sure why this suddenly seemed so important, but I didnt back
down. In a way, Emmett was wrong, because I did have something to prove. Just
not to him. I needed to prove to myself that I could do things like this. Eating in
the school cafeteria was normal, and I fucking wanted normal.
I didnt want to be a freak.
Coming then? Emmett nodded towards the entrance, just as a bunch of students
welled out, shouting and laughing. He glanced at me in alarm, but I was actually a
bit relieved. Because the more people coming out of there, the less there would be
inside. After all, Forks High wasnt that big of a school.
I followed Emmett into the cafeteria, trying not to get annoyed when I caught him
throwing looks of concern in my direction, as if he was expecting me to have a
break-down any moment. But I was doing okay so far. Of course, that was
probably because most of the students had already left.

Today was one of the rare occasions when it didnt rain, which meant people
would hurry to eat as fast as they could, and then spend the rest of the lunch break
out in the sun. Actually, I was pretty sure it would be more crowded out at the
picnic tables than in here by now. Well, that suited me perfectly.
However, the lack of people lining up for the food made it that much harder for me
to disappear in the crowd, and I instantly felt out of place. Wheres Rosalie? I
asked quietly, just to break the awkward silence.
Emmett grabbed a tray and started loading his plate with food, and I just followed
his lead. Shes with Alice, he explained, picking up a can of Coke before
straightening up and looking around. Actually, they might still be here. You okay
with us sitting with them?
Sure, whatever. I looked down at my own tray, then to Emmetts, which seemed
to be overflowing compared to mine. You gonna eat all that? Seriously? He just
grinned proudly in response, and I shook my head. That was when I felt a presence
behind me, and tensed up in alarm. I looked over my shoulder, and relaxed a little
when I saw who it was.
Hey, Em. Edward. Jasper was suddenly standing next to us, speaking quietly,
The girls and I are sitting over there in the corner if you guys want to join us. I
looked to where he was pointing, and immediately spotted Alice. She was looking
straight at me with a huge smile on her face, practically bouncing up and down
with excitement, and I suddenly realized why Jasper had approached us.
I wouldnt put it past Alice to stand up and yell across the room to catch our
attention. Then everybodys eyes would without doubt be on me. The thought
made me shudder. Luckily for me, Jasper knew his girlfriend, and - judging by the
look of things - had decided to step in. A wave of gratitude welled up inside me.
Cool, was Emmetts response as he greeted Jasper with a fist bump. Then he
looked at me, gesturing to my tray. You done? I nodded. To tell the truth, I
wasnt sure Id actually be eating much, anyway. For a brief moment, I wondered
what the fuck I had gotten myself into. But then I pushed the thought away. I could
do this. It was just lunch.
In the fucking cafeteria, that I had been avoiding like the plague up until now.
Taking a deep breath, I followed Emmett and Jasper as they headed for the table in
the corner, where Alice and Rosalie were already waiting, and wished - not for the
first time that day - that Bella was here.

Hey, guys! Alice looked at me, eagerly patting the empty seat next to her, and I
could tell she was struggling to control her excitement over seeing me. I didnt
know whether to be embarrassed or touched, so I quickly sat down, awkwardly
ducking my head and tried telling myself this was no different than having dinner
with everyone at home.
Except the cafeteria was so fucking big. At least there wasnt too much noise,
seeing how there were only a handful of students left. Still, I wasnt able to fully
relax, which Im pretty sure everybody noticed. I reached for my can of Coke and
opened it, just to keep my hands busy.
On my other side, Emmett was shoving food into his mouth with an incredible
speed, like he hadnt eaten in a week, and I watched with a mix of fascination and
disgust. If Id had any appetite in the first place, it was definitely gone now. Across
the table, Rosalie seemed to have similar thoughts, because she mumbled
something unintelligible and put her sandwich down with a grimace.
It took a while, but finally Emmett seemed to realize all eyes were on him, and he
looked around the table with a frown. What?
Alice looked slightly annoyed, and yet somewhat amused. Seriously, Emmett,
were you raised in a barn?
Yeah. Right next to you and the other cows. Emmett picked up a pizza crust
from his plate and threw it at her with a smirk, causing Alice to shriek and hide
behind Jasper. I just shook my head at them, silently wondering if this would turn
into a food fight. It wouldnt be the first time. Once, Alice had dumped an entire
bowl of chicken salad over Emmetts head. It hadnt been pretty.
Kinda funny, though. Especially when they had to explain themselves to Esme.
So, Edward, I heard you and Emmett had a little run-in with Mike Newton.
Jasper ignored Alice and Emmetts antics and turned to me. Rumors are you were
holding him down while Em broke both his legs. Apparently, blood was splashing
all over the lockers, and at least three people swore they witnessed Newton being
scooped off the floor and carried into an ambulance on a stretcher. He snickered.
Wow! Word sure travels fast at Forks High. Emmett turned his attention away
from Alice with a chuckle. No, the fucker was walking away. Trust me, I
wouldnt break his legs in front of all those witnesses. He winked and continued,
Id wait until we were alone. Somehow, I got the feeling he was only half
joking.

So what really happened then? Alices eyes darted between me and Emmett, her
expression a mixture of concern and curiosity.
Newton was just being an ass. I shrugged. But there was no bloodshed.
Sadly, Emmett agreed, a disappointed note in his voice. I think I like the rumor
better.
Uh huh. Alice rolled her eyes. Then she changed the subject and turned to me.
Too bad Bellas not here today. Are you going to see her after school? I opened
my mouth, but she went on before I could respond, You know what you should
do? You should make her soup! Soup always makes me feel better when Im sick.
I half expected her to start jumping up and down and clap her hands.
Youre kidding, right? I gave her a look of disbelief.
Alice shook her head. Believe me - shed love it. She looked at Jasper, batting
her lashes at him. Youd bring me soup if I was sick, wouldnt you, Jazzy?
He smiled at her. Sure I would, darling.
Dude, youre so whipped, its pathetic. Emmett shook his head in disapproval. I
dont know, Alice, making soup? Sounds kinda messy. And a lot of work. What if
Bella already ate? Or what if shes just not hungry? It would all go to waste. I
saw a twinkle in his eye, and he looked at me. Hey, you should just make her
cookies instead. I saw some sprinkles in the cupboard this morning.
Oh, cookies! Alice was beaming. Thats a great idea! I dont know about the
sprinkles, but... her voice trailed off as she saw Emmett struggling to hold back
laughter. Did I miss something?
He snorted, as if to say hell, yeah! but then waved his hand in dismissal. Just an
inside joke, Alice. You wouldnt get it.
I rolled my eyes, deciding it was time to cut in. Thanks for the suggestion, Alice,
but I dont know how to make soup. And Emmett... I gave him a warning look, I
dont fucking bake. He raised a brow at me, but to his credit - and my relief - he
didnt push the matter any further. The last thing I wanted was for anyone else to
find out about the humiliating cookie fiasco all those weeks ago.
Still, I had a feeling Emmett would never let me live that one down.
Sighing, I turned back to Alice with a hopeful look. Why do I always have to

make shit? Cant I just bring Bella ice-cream or something?

Rosalie spoke up before Alice could say anything, Make it chocolate, and shell
be your slave for life.
Alice looked thoughtful for a moment, then nodded in agreement. Yeah, that
would probably work. Hey, I think theres at least half a pint of Rocky Road left in
the freezer at home. Emmett gasped loudly, staring at her with a look of absolute
betrayal on his face. She gave him an incredulous look. Really, Emmett, just
because you opened it doesnt mean it automatically belongs to you.
Says who? he muttered, stabbing the remains of his pizza with his fork. She just
shook her head at him.
I couldnt help but chuckle, because he looked so utterly horrified at the thought of
me taking his beloved ice-cream and give it to Bella. Dont worry - Ill just get
some at the store. His face was a mixture of relief and gratitude. I patted him on
the shoulder and added, As if I would ever give Bella something you had already
slobbered all over, anyway.
Alice and Rosalie started giggling and making ew faces. Even Jasper looked
amused, or maybe he was just happy the attention was no longer on him and
whether he was being whipped by Alice. Emmett looked mildly offended for a
moment, but he quickly recovered. Well, if youre all done making fun of me and
laughing at my expense - I think lunch breaks about over. Time to head to class.
I frowned and looked at my watch, realizing he was right. How about that? It
looked like I had just survived my first visit at the school cafeteria. And it hadnt
even been that bad. I glanced around the table. Maybe I could even do it again
some time. Hopefully with Bella at my side.
On my way to the next class, I sent Bella a text message, saying I hoped she was
feeling better and that Id call her later. As much as I wanted to hear her voice, I
didnt want to disturb her in case she was sleeping. Of course, I had every
intention on going to her house after school. I hadnt talked to her since yesterday,
and I missed her like crazy.
My mood had improved slightly after lunch, but my Biology class seemed to go
on for hours, and I was painfully reminded of Bellas absence, her empty chair
mocking me relentlessly. After what seemed like an eternity, the bell finally rang,
and I all but ran out of the classroom, practically shoving people out of my way.
When my final class of the day was over, I was beyond relieved. Finally I could go

see Bella. I was a bit disappointed when I checked my phone and didnt have any
missed calls or messages from her, but told myself not to dwell on it. Making a
quick stop at the grocery store, I then drove straight to the Swan residence.
Charlie opened the door, and he didnt seem too surprised to see me. Hello,
Edward. I figured you might stop by.
Hows Bella? I asked carefully, suddenly worried he would tell me I couldnt
see her.
Much to my relief, he took a step back and gestured for me to enter. She doesnt
seem to be running a fever, but shes really tired. Actually, shes been out for most
of the day, but I heard her leave the room and go to the bathroom a while ago. I
was just going to check on her again. He cleared his throat, nodding towards the
kitchen. I made her some tea, thought it might make her feel better.
I can give it to her, I offered, and when he looked somewhat hesitant, I hurried
to add, If you dont mind.
Oh, Im sure shed rather have you bring it to her than me. He chuckled a little.
I just dont want you to catch what shes having. But then again, you spent all day
with her yesterday, so its probably too late for precautions.
I gave him a hopeful look. So I can go see her?
Sure. He nodded, and I let out the breath I had been holding.
A couple of minutes later, I knocked softly on Bellas door, hoping she wouldnt
be asleep. I smiled to myself when I heard a grunt of acknowledgment from the
other side. Carefully pushing the door open, I peeked inside. Bella? You awake?
Edward! A weak smile lit up her face. Youre here. I missed you. Her voice
was thick and raspy, and she cringed. Ugh! I sound like a frog.
I tried not to laugh at her statement, but it was hard. Sick or not, she was still
fucking adorable. Im so sorry youre sick, love. How are you feeling?
Irritated. She grimaced. I hate being sick. Her eyes fell on the steaming cup in
my hand. Is that for me?
What? Oh. Yeah. I quickly walked up to her and handed her the hot beverage,
and took the opportunity to sit down on the bed next to her.

She immediately took a small sip, making a humming sound of approval, and
greedily gulped half of the contents down at once. My throats really sore. This
feels so good. Thank you.
Dont thank me, your dads the one who made it for you. I glanced down at the
small paper bag I was still holding. I brought you this, though. But if you dont
want it right now, thats okay. Ill just-
What is it? she cut me off, sounding curious. I showed her, and she let out a
squeal. Ice-cream! Then she started coughing.
I quickly jumped up, looking around the room. Want me to get you some water?
She immediately shook her head and waved her hand in the negative, and I sat
back down after a moments hesitation, waiting for her coughing fit to pass.
When she could finally breathe normally again, her face was red, and she gave me
an apologetic look. Sorry about that. I opened my mouth, but she went on
expectantly, Can I have my ice-cream now?
I rolled my eyes, but couldnt help but smile. Sure, love. Whatever you want. I
handed it to her, along with a spoon I had gotten from the kitchen. Then I just sat
there and watched her eat, a look of pure bliss on her face as she let the cold icecream melt in her mouth. She closed her eyes and let out a soft moan, and for
some reason, I felt a strange, almost tingling - but not unpleasant - sensation.
And I suddenly couldnt wait to hear that particular sound from Bella again. I
didnt understand why, but I was almost disappointed when she suddenly opened
her eyes again and looked at me. You only brought one spoon? Dont you want a
taste?
I really, really did. And I wasnt sure why that thought made me feel guilty. I
cleared my throat. I, um...
Here. She smiled at me and offered me a spoonful of ice-cream. Then she
hesitated. Unless youre afraid of catching my germs.
No, I like your germs. My eyes widened in disbelief. Did I just say I liked her
fucking germs? Wait, that didnt come out right. I suddenly felt like an idiot.
What the hell was wrong with me?
She just giggled, holding out the spoon to me in a silent offer. Never taking my
eyes off her, I swallowed the gooey, melting ice-cream. It had suddenly become
very hot in the room. Maybe I had been catching Bellas germs after all, and was

coming down with a fever.

Only I didnt feel sick. In fact, I felt very good. Bella was beautiful. And I wanted
to kiss her. That was when I noticed how she was struggling to keep her eyes open,
and I instantly snapped out of it, silently scolding myself for even thinking about
kissing her when she was obviously not feeling well.
Youre tired. You should get some more sleep. Suddenly I couldnt bring myself
to meet Bellas eyes. I gently took the spoon from her and put the half-eaten
bucket of ice-cream down on the nightstand. I should probably go.
Please, stay, she whispered, softly placing her hand on my arm, as if to prevent
me from running away. I dared a glance at her. She was looking at me through
heavy eyelids, and her bottom lip was jutting out in a small pout. I just need to
rest for a while. Will you just hold me?
As if I could ever deny her anything.
As if I even wanted to.
I lay down next to her, carefully slipping my arms around her. Bella snuggled
closer to me, let out a content sigh, and was asleep within a moment. I remained
awake, though. For the next hour or so, I just lay there, watching Bella sleep
peacefully in my arms.
And I couldnt remember ever feeling more complete.

Chapter 89
BPOV
The first thought that popped up in my head was that I was no longer cold. If
anything, I felt warm and toasty, and, seeing how I was still a bit groggy from
sleep, it took me a few seconds to realize why. Then I slowly rolled my head to the
side, and smiled. Edward was lying in bed next to me, his head resting on my
pillow as he appeared to be sleeping, with his arms wrapped tightly around me.
I shifted my position as carefully as I could, not wanting to disturb him, but I just
had to get a better look at him. As I watched him in silence, I started to feel all

warm and mushy inside. He was so beautiful, and he was all mine. I just couldnt
keep the silly grin from spreading on my face.
This morning, I had been absolutely miserable. Of course, I still wasnt happy
about being sick, but my day had suddenly become so much brighter.
I reached out my hand without thinking, struck by an almost desperate urge to
touch him, but pulled back at the last second, afraid of waking him. He just looked
so peaceful, his face completely relaxed. That was when he spoke, his eyes still
closed, and I nearly jumped through the roof. Enjoyed your nap?
Holy crow! I gasped, and his eyes instantly snapped open. It took a moment for
my heart to slow down and start beating like normal again, and I glared at him
with my palm pressed against my chest. My God, Edward, you scared the crap
out of me! I thought you were sleeping.
Sorry, love, didnt mean to scare you. He chuckled a little and placed a soft kiss
on my forehead, and I immediately forgave him. Are you feeling any better? I
nodded.
The truth was, my throat was still sore and I felt a dull ache in my muscles
whenever I made even the slightest movement, but as long as Edward was here
and holding me in his arms, I wasnt going to complain. I was just too comfortable
in that moment to be bothered by something as insignificant as a stupid cold.
I feel rested, I told him in response to his question. Have you been awake the
whole time? It was his turn to nod. I instantly felt bad, and gave him an
apologetic look. Im sorry. You mustve been bored to tears.
Not at all. He shook his head. I kinda liked watching you sleep. Seeing my
skeptical expression, he added, It was actually quite interesting.
Interesting? What do you mean...? I stopped myself as realization hit me, and I
felt my cheeks turn crimson. Please, tell me I didnt talk in my sleep? He just
shrugged, looking somewhat amused by my obvious mortification, and I let out a
groan. God, this is so embarrassing! What did I say?
A part of me didnt want to hear the answer. Apparently, I used to talk in my sleep
all the time when I was younger. I remembered my mom teasing me about it in the
morning, joking about how I kept her awake all night with my loud incoherent
ramblings. Her room was across the hall from mine. I knew she was exaggerating,
but still.

Nothing bad, Edward hurried to assure me. You just said my name. And... he
glanced at me almost shyly, ...that you loved me.
Oh.
Well, that wasnt nearly as bad as I had feared. I relaxed, giving him a soft smile.
I do. You know that.
Well, yeah. But it was nice to hear, all the same. He smiled as well.
For a minute or so, we just looked at each other. And then I had to ruin the
moment, by sneezing. I just barely managed to pull out of Edwards embrace and
turn away from him. Sure, he had told me he liked my germs, but I had a feeling it
was figuratively speaking and that he didnt really want them sprayed all over his
face. I grimaced at the thought.
You done? he asked when my sneezing attack seemed to have passed, and I
didnt miss the amused note in his voice. I mock glared at him, but he just pulled
me back into his arms, and I happily snuggled up against him. It was obvious that
he enjoyed cuddling as much as I did, and I would never miss an opportunity to be
close to him.
It made me so sad to think about how long it had taken for him to get this
comfortable with physical contact. All these years, he had isolated himself in fear
of... well, to be perfectly honest, I wasnt even sure what. I could only guess that
somewhere along the way, he had just started associating even the lightest, most
innocent touch with pain. The thought was absolutely heartbreaking.
In a way, I really wanted to ask Edward about it, because I wanted to learn more
about who he had been before we met. Of course, I realized that wouldnt be easy
for either of us. The horrifying fragments of his past that he had - most reluctantly
- shared with me so far made me feel sick to my stomach, but I wanted him to
understand that I loved every part of him, and not just the person he was today.
And at the same time, I didnt have the heart to bring it up when he seemed this
happy and content. He deserved a break from the painful memories of his past.
But there was still something that had been eating at me for a while, something
that didnt have anything to do with Edwards inner demons. No, this demon was
all mine. And maybe it was time to stop beating around the bush. The longer I
waited, the more awkward it would be. Especially since I had always stressed the
importance of us being honest with each other.

So I took a deep breath, and spoke before I would lose my courage. Edward?
Theres something I need to talk to you about.
He tensed up for a moment. Then he pulled back a little, just so he could look at
me, and I noticed how his expression had immediately turned alarmed. Whats
wrong?
I instantly felt a pang in my chest. Naturally he would automatically assume that
something was wrong. I really needed to learn to choose my words more carefully.
I quickly reached for his hand, giving it an assuring squeeze. Nothings wrong,
baby. I promise. I just want to explain a few things to you. It involves my trip to
Phoenix, and... I swallowed. ...and my life before I moved here.
He just nodded in understanding, waiting for me to go on. I bit my lip. This was it.
It was time to tell Edward about Jacob.
Okay... I hesitated, trying to decide how to begin. Remember when we spoke
on the phone, and I told you I ran into... a so called friend? Jacob? His eyes
narrowed, but he didnt say anything. Instead he just nodded again. I went on,
hoping I wasnt about to make a huge mistake, Well, for a little while, Jacob was
my... boyfriend.
Edwards eyes widened slightly, but he remained silent. For some reason, it felt
inappropriate to have this discussion while lying in bed, so I reluctantly sat up,
leaning back against the headboard. He did the same, mirroring my position, and I
nearly cried when his hand slipped out of mine.
I was afraid my voice wouldnt hold, but I forced myself to continue, We had a
few classes together, and one day we got paired up for a history project. I thought
he was nice, and easy to talk to. A couple of days later, he asked me out. On our
first date, he asked if I wanted to be his girlfriend. I rolled my eyes. Thinking
back now, our relationship just seems like a big joke.
How come? Edwards voice was flat, spiritless, and I wished I had a way of
knowing what he was thinking.
Because my heart was never really in it, I told him sincerely, looking him right
in the eyes. To my relief, he held my gaze. Back then, I didnt know what it was
like to be in love. I thought my feelings for Jake was love, but I realize now it
wasnt even close. I mean, they way I feel about you... Edward, this is real. What
Jake and I had was just... an illusion. Luckily, it didnt last very long.

So you didnt really love him? His eyes were practically begging me for
confirmation. I shook my head. His face softened, and I noticed how his entire
body seemed to relax. What happened? he asked quietly.
I didnt like the way he had dropped my hand. He was still sitting next to me on
the bed, but he wasnt touching me, and that was unacceptable. To my horror, my
voice cracked when I spoke. Dont you wanna hold me anymore? Are you mad at
me?
He blinked at me, and his expression turned into disbelief. Then, without a word,
he pulled me into his arms, burying his face in my hair. And just like that, my fear
and confusion melted away.
OoO
EPOV
I dont know why Bellas revelation came as such a surprise to me. Not only was
she absolutely beautiful, but she was also the most amazing person, and I knew at
least three guys at school who had tried to ask her out since she first moved to
Forks. Granted, they were all a bunch of fucking morons, but still.
It wasnt like I was being foolish and conceited enough to believe I was all that
special, but it had just never occurred to me that she might have dated someone
else before me. I shouldve figured, but I guess I just didnt want to think about it.
Bella was mine, and the thought of some other fucker touching her...
Wait - some other fucker had been touching her! I suddenly felt like I was going to
be sick, but somehow I managed to hold myself together. Bella obviously wanted
me to know about this, and I owed it to her to hear her out. Even though the mere
idea of her being with someone else filled me with fury and jealousy.
I wanted to punch something. Preferably that asshole - Jacob - for daring to even
exist in the first place. Too bad he was more than a thousand miles away. Too bad
for me, that was. Lucky for him. Because in that moment, I wouldve killed him
without hesitation. And I realized I hadnt even heard the whole story yet. I forced
myself to take a deep breath.
Bella hurried to assure me she had never been in love with him, though. And I
found myself believing her. She didnt lie to me. It wasnt lost on me how she
would sometimes avoid bringing up sensitive matters just to spare me pain and

anguish, but she wouldnt lie. I managed to relax a little.

That was when she tearfully asked if I was mad at her, and the guilt welled over
me like a fucking tidal wave. I all but crushed her to me in my desperation to show
her that while I was still more than a little upset by the whole thing, my frustration
was in no way directed at her.
Im sorry, love, I mumbled into her ear when I finally managed to find my
voice. Of course Im not mad. I felt her entire body relax against mine as she
melted into my embrace, and I silently cursed myself for making her doubt my
feelings for her, even for a second.
She pulled back a little. Look, Edward, Im not stupid. I know this is an awkward
conversation for us to be having, which is why I havent brought it up sooner. But
I feel like we should be able to talk about it. I mean, I want you to know
everything about me, and my past. Because I do have one, even though its pretty
insignificant... compared to yours. She lowered her eyes as she said the last part.
And once again I felt bad. She shouldnt have to feel that way. Bella, nothing
about you could ever be insignificant. I hate when you say things like that, because
its just not true. She didnt look convinced, but at least she didnt object. I
sighed. Just tell me, please. I can handle it.
I could only hope I was right.
Okay. Um... She hesitated. I guess you could say Ive never really been like
most girls. I was never into typical girl stuff, like make-up, sleep-overs, or talking
about boys. She blushed. Anyway, thats probably why I never had any real
friends back in Phoenix. I mean, sure, there were people I would talk to, and I
even hung out with some of them after school, but I always felt like something
was missing.
I just nodded in understanding. She let out a low chuckle and shook her head. I
used to think there was something wrong with me. Sometimes, I just wanted
people to like me, and then there were times when I couldnt care less. I met Jacob
at a time when I just really wanted to be like everyone else. Thats why I was
thrilled when he wanted to date me.
Go on. I clenched my fists, but forced myself to remain calm. She needed to get
this off her chest, and I was not going to act like a jealous prick and freak out on
her, just because she had a life before me.
Bella looked down at her hands. On some level, I knew all along that Jake and I

werent meant to be. I mean, he was nice and funny, and I liked him, but thinking
back now, I realize I just wanted someone to love me. I liked the idea of having a
boyfriend. I opened my mouth, but she must have misread my expression because
she hurried on, Not like I was leading him on or anything. It wasnt like that.
I believe you, I assured her. I knew she would never do something like that.
She gave me a small smile and continued, Well, I tried to convince myself I was
happy with Jake. But the more I got to know him, the more I realized he... she
stopped, awkwardly wringing her hands.
What? I tried to sound encouraging, because I wanted her to feel like she could
tell me anything. Bella was always so patient and understanding with me, much
more so than I deserved. She was my rock, my shoulder to lean on, and I wanted
to be the same for her. I just didnt know how.
He was selfish. It was always about him and his so called needs. She made a
face. We never really talked, or to be more accurate - he never really bothered to
listen to me. He acted like he cared about me and wanted me to be happy, but all
he really cared about was what I was willing to do for him. Her cheeks flushed
and she looked away, clearly uncomfortable.
What do you mean, do for him? I had to ask, although I was pretty sure I
wasnt going to like where this was heading.
She swallowed visibly. He wanted to... take our relationship to a level I wasnt
sure I was ready for.
For a moment, I just looked at her blankly. Then realization hit me like a ton of
bricks. He wanted you to... sleep with him. My voice shook as the words left my
mouth, and I felt bile rise in my throat.
Oh fuck! No, no, no, please, not this. I cant fucking deal with this shit!
Edward? Bella sounded close to panic as she gently cupped my cheek, her eyes
desperately searching mine, and I knew I couldnt blame her for getting nervous. I
could feel all color literally leave my face, and I was grateful I was sitting down.
But somehow, I was able to pull myself together, at least enough to meet Bellas
eyes and show her I wasnt going to shut down on her. She needed me right now,
and Id be damned if I was going to screw things up by having a fucking panic
attack, just because she had mentioned...

Fuck!
If I ever wanted to have an even somewhat normal relationship with Bella, I had to
be able to talk about these things without freaking out. I took a couple of deep
breaths while silently cursing myself, my fucked up life, and James. He was the
reason I was this way, and wherever he was right now, I hoped to God he was
suffering.
What are you thinking? Bella asked softly, obviously realizing I was still with
her mentally as well as physically. I carefully placed my hand on top of hers, still
on my cheek, and felt it trembling beneath mine. To be honest, I wasnt sure
whether it was me or her. Maybe both.
I just shook my head and remained silent. Because there was no way she would
really like to know what I was thinking in that moment. All I could think of was
how I fucking hated him. And I was deeply ashamed of the fact that my blind
hatred for James was the only thing I could focus on, when it was so obvious that
Bella needed my full support and attention.
When I didnt respond, she watched me quietly for a moment. Then she sighed. I
knew I shouldnt have brought it up. Im sorry.
No, Bella. The dejected note in her voice was what finally snapped me out of
my dark thoughts, and I told myself to get a fucking grip. Youve got nothing to
be sorry for. Im listening, just go on. I could see the conflict in her eyes - she
clearly wanted us to finish this conversation. Please, I added, raking my fingers
through my hair in frustration.
All right. I could tell she was still hesitant to go on, but she did anyway. Yes, he
wanted... that. And I... She briefly closed her eyes, and when she opened them
again, a single tear rolled down her cheek. I had just lost my mom. I was sad, and
lost, and I just wanted to feel something other than pain. She swallowed hard.
And Jake promised me he would make me forget. So... I said yes.
I just stared at her, trying to process what she had just told me.
And then I exploded.

Chapter 90
BPOV

So I said yes, I finished, forcing the words out even though my mind was
screaming in protest. For some reason, it felt like everything had been leading up
to this very moment - there was just no getting around it, no way to avoid the
subject. And at the same time, I felt like I had just made the biggest mistake of my
life.
In a way, I knew it was careless of me - maybe even stupid - to fill Edward in on
my relationship with Jacob. But then again, I had practically forced him to open up
to me and share the horrors of his past, because it was the only way things would
truly work out between us - I needed to know where he was coming from, I
needed to understand him. And he needed to understand me.
Simple as that.
Except there was nothing simple about this. I didnt even want to think about me
and Jake as a former couple, and I certainly didnt want Edward to get such
disturbing images in his head. But if I wanted him to know the real me, what other
choice did I have? So I had decided to just be honest and get this over with, once
and for all.
I knew Edward wouldnt like what I was about to tell him. Hell, I couldnt imagine
any guy would be comfortable hearing that his girlfriend had been involved with
someone else before him, and in our case, things were even more complicated.
But somehow, I had been naive enough to think Edward would at least hear me
out, allow me to explain the situation before jumping to conclusions.
I was an idiot. I should have known better. And I definitely should have expressed
myself more clearly. Unfortunately, I didnt realize - until the words were already
out of my mouth and impossible to take back - that I had just made it sound like
Jake and I had gone all the way.
It happened so fast, I barely got the chance to react. One moment, Edward was
sitting next to me on the bed, and in the next, he was already across the room. I
watched in horror as his eyes seemed to glaze over, just like they always did when
he was shutting down on me, and I automatically jumped up as well, bracing
myself for what was coming.
I had learned the pattern by now. Whenever Edward was faced with something he
just couldnt deal with, he would withdraw into himself. He would instinctively
pull away from me - or whoever happened to be close by - back away until he

reached the nearest wall, where he would curl up and cower, efficiently blocking
out whatever threat his muddled mind had conjured up.
Although I had gotten used to the way he was acting when he ended up in a
situation too stressful for him to handle, I still found his behavior a bit confusing.
It just didnt seem to add up, because I knew how much he hated feeling trapped.
And yet he would always, as if in a reflex manner, seek refuge at the one place often in a corner - that would offer no escape route.
I didnt have time to ponder, though, because Edward chose that moment to slam
his fist into my bookcase, then forcefully sweeping his hand over the top shelf,
causing books and CD:s to scatter over the room with a crash. Jumping at the
noise, I stared at him in shock. Edward...! I cried out, only to gasp and take a
step back when his eyes shot to mine, because the fury I could see there stunned
me.
Ill fucking kill that son of a bitch! he yelled then, knocking over a nearby chair,
and I failed to hold back a startled yelp. However, I quickly recovered.
Stop it! I hissed, putting as much demand in my voice as I could possibly muster
without shouting myself. Normally I would take a fit of rage over a panic attack
any day, but since we were at my house now and my dad was home, I was unable
to find comfort in the fact that I wouldnt have to coax him back to reality this
time. You need to be quiet and listen to me, right now. Because if Charlie-
I didnt even get to finish the sentence before there was a frantic knock on the
door, and in the next moment, it swung open. My father was standing in the
doorway, looking more worried than I had seen him in a long time as he took in
the mess on the floor. What in the world is going on here? he wanted to know,
his eyes darting suspiciously between me and Edward.
Shit!
Edward just looked at him blankly, in no state to come up with a proper
explanation. I could see his Adams apple bob slightly as he muttered something I
figured was meant as an apology, before he inhaled sharply and walked over to the
window. Even with his back turned against me, I could practically feel the tension
and discomfort, rolling off him in waves.
Everythings fine, Dad, I lied, knowing the strained note in my voice would
betray me. I took a deep breath. We were just-
Bella, he cut me off, never taking his eyes off Edward, who still wouldnt face

him. I think its time for Edward to go home now. You should be in bed, not...
his voice trailed off, and I had a feeling I wouldnt like what he had been about to
say. He could obviously see I was upset, and it didnt take a genius to figure out he
would blame Edward.
We were in the middle of something, I told him, trying to keep my voice from
trembling. Please, Dad, can we just...? I stopped myself as Edward finally turned
around with a sigh.
Ill leave, he mumbled, his eyes on the floor. It was like all aggression had just
left his body, and all there was left was dejection.
No! I gave him a warning look, suddenly furious that he wouldnt even give me
a chance to explain myself. I was angry at Charlie for interrupting. And most of
all, I was mad at myself for handling things so badly. I blamed the stupid cold.
Were not finished, I added, looking at my dad again and daring him to object.
I knew Charlie was about to protest, but somehow he decided against it, and
nodded. Fine. Ten minutes. He turned to Edward. Look, I dont know whats
going on, but Bellas not well, and she needs her rest. If shes not better by
tomorrow, youre welcome to come back and see her after school. But I must ask
you to keep your... conversations, on a more civilized level. Are we clear?
Glancing at the chair on the floor, he shook his head in disapproval. Edward closed
his eyes for a moment, then nodded. Im sorry, he whispered, not looking at me
as he bent down and started to pick up the scattered CD cases. Charlie looked as if
he was about to say something more, but then just mumbled something in
acknowledgment and walked out of the room.
It wasnt lost on me how he left the door open.
I watched Edward in silence for a moment, his head downcast as he hurried to
clean up the mess he had made without saying a word. When I slowly made my
way over to help him, he finally raised his head, giving me a sharp look. Dont.
Ive got it. He let out a gust of air. If somethings broken, Ill replace it.
Its okay. I swallowed hard. Edward, stop. Just leave it. Look at me. It took
almost a minute before he reluctantly obeyed, and I dropped to my knees next to
him. I need you to hear what I have to say. Nothing happened.
His eyes narrowed, and I saw how his fist clenched. But you just said... Fuck, I
cant listen to this, Bella. Im so fucking sorry, but I cant deal with this shit. The
bastard hurt you, and right now, its taking just about every ounce of self control I

possess not to hunt him down and rip his fucking head off.
I wanted to take his hand, but for some reason, I found myself unable to move.
You dont fly, I reminded him weakly. He just huffed, shaking his head in
frustration. I sighed. Im sorry, Edward, but youre just going to have to deal with
this. I cant change my past any more than you can. It happened, but not the way
you think. Jacob never hurt me.
His hand dropped at his side, and he inhaled shakily. But you said you werent
ready, he whispered, his face ashen. Are you saying you... he swallowed,
...you liked it?
I wanted to cry, because I didnt know how to get through to him. Thankfully, he
had been lucid enough to calm down and listen, but I just wasnt sure how much
he was actually hearing. Edward, I never slept with Jacob. He tried to talk me
into it, and I agreed at first, but then I changed my mind at the last second.
Literally. I told him to stop, and he did.
He stared at me, his face a mixture of doubt and... something else. It took a
moment before I realized it was revulsion. But for some reason, I just knew it
wasnt directed at me. And then it hit me.
I had managed to stand up for myself and say no. Edward hadnt. Our situations
were nowhere near similar in any way, but I knew then that in his mind, I had
succeeded where he had failed.
It wasnt like that, I told him sincerely, my voice thick with emotion. I was just
lucky, Edward. Jakes a self-centered jerk, but hes not violent. He didnt want to
hurt me. If he had, I wouldnt have been able to stop him. Hes too strong - I could
never fight him off. But he stopped when I told him to. Thats what makes him
different from... I couldnt bring myself to say the name.
James. Edward finished in a low voice, suddenly looking nauseous, and his eyes
were glistening. But he did hurt you, love. He tried to make you... do something
you... something... he was unable to finish.
This time, I did take his hand. I know how you feel, baby, but I dont believe sex
is a bad thing. Not with the right person. I think it can be... I blushed. ...really
good. But thats the thing. Thats why I couldnt go through with it. Because Jake
was never that person.
Bella... There was a pleading note in his voice. What if I can never be that
person? I see your point, I really do. But I just... He looked away. Hell, I can

barely talk about it, let alone... He shook his head. Im afraid Ill never be able
to give you what you want, and eventually youll get tired of waiting. And then
youll-
Okay, stop it right there! I gave him a warning look. Dont even think about
finishing that sentence. Im not going anywhere. You already give me what I want
- you. Everything else is just... I mean... I rolled my eyes, annoyed for not being
able to find the right words. Well take one day at a time, just like weve always
done. As long as were together, then nothing else matters.
It hit me that we were actually having a conversation about sex, with neither of us
freaking out. Maybe something good would come out of this after all. I just needed
to be really careful. I couldnt risk saying the wrong thing again.
In that moment, I decided I would not be doing Edward any favor by telling him
about Jake trying to kiss me when I saw him in Phoenix. For one thing, it meant
absolutely nothing to me. I had been taken off guard, but once I had snapped out
of the initial shock, I had taken control of the situation - it wasnt like I had let
Jake get away with it.
Should Edward ever ask, though, then I supposed I would have to be honest with
him, but I would cross that bridge when - or if - I got there. Because I truly
believed that in this case, the truth would simply do more harm than good.
It would only hurt him, make him feel even worse about himself for not being
there for me. Protecting someone from the truth was not the same as lying. I would
probably never see Jacob again. So what good would it do for Edward to know
about that little detail? I waited for my conscience to protest, telling me it would
be wrong to keep it from him, but it never came.
Maybe because I felt in my gut that it was the right decision. I would just put the
whole thing behind me, and focus on what was important.
Me and Edward.
I snapped out of my thoughts when he let out a frustrated sigh. Your dad probably
hates me now. I didnt mean to... he made a face as he looked around the room,
then lowered his head in shame. I know I need to work on my temper. Im sorry.
My dad doesnt hate you. I knew it was the truth. If he had, he never wouldve
allowed Edward to stay after what happened. Although I was certain Charlie
would want to have a serious talk with me as soon as he left. I could live with that,
as long as Edward could come back. I hesitated a little. But I think youre right.

You cant keep doing this. Ill help you, though. Whatever you need. I meant it.
It took a moment before he responded. Thanks, but Im not sure you can. This is
my problem and I need to figure out how to deal with it. A pause. I just dont
know how.
My heart ached for him. I just couldnt imagine what it was like, living that way. It
was like he had never really learned to control his feelings and emotions, and it
didnt take much for him to simply snap. I was used to it by now - it was just the
way Edward worked - but I also realized it made it so much harder for him to
function in society.
As if things werent hard enough for him already.
I bit my lip, thoughtfully. Maybe you could talk to Angela about it? He
shrugged, and I realized we never really talked about our therapy sessions. It was
like an unspoken rule - once we had left the office, what happened in there was
over, at least until the next time. But this seemed like an opportunity to bring it up.
Maybe, he finally agreed. He went over to the bookcase and started putting my
CD:s back on the shelf. I watched him quietly, thinking that this still had to be
considered progress. After all, Edward and I were talking. He was aware of the
fact that his behavior wasnt healthy, that it was a problem. And he wanted to work
on getting better. At this point, I really couldnt ask for more.
Edward knew about Jacob. And as far as the whole sex thing went, I felt for the
first time that once he had actually gotten used to the idea, we might even be able
to pick up that conversation again. Not that I was stupid enough to believe he
would be ready to take our relationship to the next level any time soon, but
hopefully he would at least be able to talk about it without having a panic attack.
After Edward had left, I went to talk to Charlie, deciding I might as well get it
over with. I found him in the kitchen, stirring something in a large pot on the
stove. He looked up when I entered the room, and I offered him a somewhat
nervous smile. Want me to take over?
Charlie shook his head. Bella, youre sick. Besides, Im perfectly capable of
making dinner. He paused. How are you feeling?
Much better. The truth was, my mind had been so occupied, I had almost
blocked out the fact that I was sick. But now when I thought about it, I didnt feel
nearly as bad as I had this morning.

Good. He removed the pot from the stove and put it down on the sink. Then he
turned back to me, his face suddenly very serious. Bella, I think we should talk.
About Edward. I opened my mouth, but he raised a hand to stop me. I know you
care about the boy, but as your father, I need to make sure youre safe. So I have to
ask. Has he ever hurt you?
No! I yelled, horrified he would even think that. Of course not! Edward would
never hurt me. Ever! He looked at me closely, as if trying to read my mind and
see if I was being honest. I stubbornly met his eyes, willing him to see the truth.
His face softened a little, and I realized - to my utter relief - that he believed me.
Thank God! He sounded just as relieved as I felt. But Im still concerned. I
dont know what happened up in your room, but I could hear him all the way
down here. Now, I know hes been through a lot, but if hes really unstable-
Dad, please! I interrupted him, because I couldnt just stand here and listen to
this. I know Edwards got... some issues, and believe me, he knows as well.
Thats why hes in therapy. Yes, he may have a problem with his temper, but I
promise you, its not as bad as you think. Really, Im perfectly safe with him. I can
handle it. And hes getting better.
He didnt look totally convinced, but finally sighed and nodded in acceptance. I
hope youre right, kiddo. Believe me, the last thing I want is to forbid you to see
him. But your safety will always be my first priority. And if he gives me any
reason to doubt his ability to treat you properly, I will put my foot down. I hope
you understand.
I nodded, although I knew he would never be able to keep me from being with
Edward.
That night, I kept tossing and turning in bed, and sleep just wouldnt come. It
could have something to do with the fact that I had already spent most part of the
day in bed, but I knew the real reason was that my mind kept wandering, making it
impossible for me to settle down and allow sleep to claim me. There was just too
much going on in my head.
I was feeling more positive about the progress of my relationship with Edward, but
at the same time, I couldnt help but worry. We seemed to be taking baby steps
forward, slowly moving in the right direction, but I knew we still had a lot of work
ahead of us. Without a doubt, there would be a lot of pain in our future.
And I was pretty sure the next couple of weeks would be intense, to say the very
least. The question was, just how much more could we take?

Would Edward and I ever get a break?

Chapter 91
EPOV
By the time I got home from Bellas, Id had plenty of time to calm down, but also
- unfortunately - time to think. I tried telling myself that the only thing that really
mattered was that Bella was okay - that fucker hadnt forced himself on her after
all, nor had he gone physical on her. She was safe, unharmed.
It was also a huge relief to hear that she hadnt really slept with him. She had
made it clear to me that she never loved him, and I believed her. I knew I couldnt
blame Bella for having dated other guys before me. But still, I couldnt completely
let it go. Every time I tried, I was reminded of the fact that he - that son of a bitch had been able to touch her in ways that I couldnt.
Or... could I?
To tell the truth, I didnt know what to think. I loved being with Bella. Holding
her, kissing her - it was all still kind of new to me, and at the same time, I couldnt
even imagine not having her that way anymore. Because the way I felt when we
were together - the feeling of her full lips against mine, my fingers tracing her soft
skin - it was like she was a part of me that I hadnt even known I was missing.
And somehow, by some miracle, I had found that missing part and gotten it back.
Thats how it felt. Bella made me feel complete, in a way I never would have
dared to hope for.
The idea of someday being intimate with someone had never even crossed my
mind. Because to me, sex wasnt a way of showing love and affection, not
something to enjoy. To me, it was just a punishment, something forced upon me
whenever I did something bad - not that I even knew what I had done most of the
time. It was something James did to me when he wanted me to know who was in
charge.
But Bellas words had somehow gotten stuck in my head. I dont believe sex is a
bad thing. Not with the right person. I think it can be... really good.

It wasnt like I had never heard those words before. My therapists had all been
trying to tell me the same thing over the years, as had Carlisle and Esme, but I had
never believed them. To be honest, I didnt even care. It seemed completely
irrelevant, because I knew I would never willingly put myself in a situation where
sexual relations might become an issue.
And yet...
Somewhere at the back of my mind, I wondered if it was possible that Bella - hell,
all of them - could be right after all. Could sex ever be a good thing? With Bella, I
just couldnt imagine anything to be rough, frightening and painful. The more I
thought about it, the more I started to wonder if - by holding out forever out of fear
- I might actually be missing something.
Of course, at the same time, the mere thought scared me shitless and nearly threw
me in a panic mood. Nearly, but not completely. And I realized I needed to talk to
someone.
However, the thought of asking Carlisle or Esme about this made me cringe. I just
couldnt bring myself to do it. For a moment, I considered bringing it up at my
next session with Angela, but that wouldnt be for another couple of days, and I
was starting to feel slightly desperate.
Desperate and frustrated. And really fucking annoyed.
I slammed the door shut behind me as I entered the house, heading straight for the
stairs as I just wanted to lock myself up in my room and sulk. I realized I was
being childish and immature, but that was just the way I worked. Esme looked up
and smiled at me, although her smile faded a little when she noticed I was clearly
not in the mood for exchanging pleasantries.
Hi, sweetie. She hesitated a little. Is something wrong?
No, everythings just fucking peachy, I grumbled sarcastically, then instantly felt
bad and sighed. Sorry.
Its okay. She gave me a soft smile of acceptance, although the concerned look
didnt really leave her eyes. Bad day?
Not really sure, I admitted, rolling my eyes. Never mind. Ill just... I gestured
for the stairs.
Alice and Emmett - who were also in the room - had both been quiet until now,

although I could feel their curious eyes on me. Alice spoke up softly when I passed
her. Hey, did you see Bella? I just grunted in response without stopping, not
feeling like getting into a conversation with her at the moment. She didnt deserve
my irritation, and right now, I just wanted to be left alone.
A couple of minutes later, I closed the door to my room, dropped my school bag
on the floor and threw myself down on the bed with a groan. To my frustration, it
only took a moment for me to realize that the silence I had longed for didnt have
the desired effect on me - instead of calming me, it only made me more agitated.
As I closed my eyes, I kept seeing images of Bella, telling me sex didnt
necessarily have to be a bad thing. And I found that I wanted to believe her. I liked
it when she touched me. I liked touching her. And - as strange and foreign as the
idea seemed to me - I kind of wanted more.
And I couldnt deny that I wanted to see more as well. More of Bella. The thought
of Bella just taking her shirt off made me gulp, but it also made me feel strangely
excited. In that moment, I longed to see more of her perfect, flawless body. Of
course, that thought immediately reminded me of how marred and damaged my
own skin was underneath my clothes, and I felt a lump in my throat.
A knock on the door snapped me out of my thoughts, and I couldnt decide
whether to be annoyed or relieved by the distraction. I didnt feel like getting up,
so I remained where I was, staring up at the ceiling. Another knock. I held back a
sigh, and called out a What?!
The door swung open, revealing Emmett standing in the doorway with a
somewhat uncertain look on his face. I raised a brow in a silent question, and he
cleared his throat, appearing to be a little nervous. Hey, um, I was just... Are you
busy?
I just rolled my eyes and turned my face back to the ceiling. He hesitated for a
moment, but then seemed to take my silence as an invitation and stepped inside. I
could feel his eyes on me as he slowly walked into the room, and I knew he was
half expecting me to start yelling at him to get the fuck out. But for some reason, I
just couldnt bring myself to care.
Or maybe I wasnt really bothered by his presence anymore. Who would have
thought we would ever come to that?
I kept ignoring him, though. While a part of me was a bit curious, I wasnt going
to take the bait and ask him why he was here. So I stayed silent and didnt even
bother to look in his direction as he crossed the room and finally slumped down on

the floor next to the bed, casually leaning back and resting his head against the
thick mattress down by my feet. Then he just sat there, quietly.
The minutes passed, neither of us speaking. I didnt plan to be the one to break the
silence, so I stubbornly kept my mouth closed and decided to make myself busy
counting the cracks in the ceiling. Unfortunately, there werent any. I let out a sigh.
Fucking typical.
Finally I couldnt take it anymore and reluctantly threw a look at Emmett. Did
you want something, or are you just bored?
For a second, I thought I saw the hint of a smirk on his face, but I couldnt be
certain since he was facing forward and not looking directly at me. Just wanted
some company, he stated calmly. I gave him a skeptical look, waiting for him to
admit what he really wanted, but seeing how he fell silent again, I figured that
either he wouldnt tell me, or he was actually being sincere.
I honestly didnt know what to think. And it made me feel uncomfortable, which
in turn made me defensive. What, so you got lost on the way and accidentally
ended up in here? He just chuckled and shook his head, not appearing to be
offended by my sarcasm. In all honesty, I wasnt trying to offend him. I just wasnt
sure how to act around him.
We were actually getting along these days, at least most of the time. And I still
wasnt used to it.
It was slowly starting to hit me that I no longer felt like a complete stranger, an
intruder, in this family. In fact, I even felt like maybe, just maybe, I belonged here
after all. And it was a strange - but not unpleasant - feeling. Suddenly - to my utter
disbelief - I actually found myself playing with the thought of asking Emmett for
some advice on how to handle the situation with Bella.
I really must be losing my fucking mind.
But still, he had helped me out before, and that was when I hadnt even asked for
it. I glanced at him again, trying to picture his reaction if I managed to gather
enough courage to bring up the subject. He would probably laugh his ass off. Hell,
if he didnt consider me pathetic before...
Then again, I figured there was about one in a million chance he would actually
take me seriously. The question was, though, was I really willing to jump at that
chance? If I opened up to Emmett and he would just laugh at me, I didnt think I
could handle the humiliation. The mere thought of him making fun of me about

this made me feel nauseous.

And then there was that little voice in my head, telling me to give Emmett some
credit. After all, he had been pretty cool lately. I took a deep breath, opened my
mouth, and then closed it again.
Fuck! I couldnt do this. What the hell was I thinking?
Somehow, Emmett seemed to sense my inner battle, because he turned towards
me. Okay, this is getting ridiculous. Are you going to let me know whats bugging
you, or do I have to guess? Because Im warning you - the things my mind could
come up with... It could be pretty freaky. Might as well do us both a favor and just
tell me.
I frowned at him, wondering how he could possibly have come to know me so
well. Then I shook my head in a weak attempt to clear my thoughts. Closing my
eyes for a moment, I then spoke up quietly, If I ask you something, could you
just... I hesitated, I mean, I know this is gonna sound fucked up, and youll
probably think-
Hey, he cut me off, all traces of humor gone from his voice. Just shoot. I
opened my mouth again, but the words just wouldnt come. He cocked his head to
the side, suddenly looking curious. Is it about Bella?
My eyes widened in surprise, as I had not expected him to be so fucking
observant. In that moment, I felt like he could read me like an open book. Trying
to push my uneasiness to the side, I nodded and looked away in embarrassment.
God, this was awkward.
When I failed to go on, Emmett cleared his throat and let out an almost nervous
chuckle. Really, man, you need to give me a little more to go on. Im at a
complete loss here.
I let out a sigh of defeat, desperately searching for the right words. That was when
it hit me that Emmett had in fact expressed his curiosity regarding my relationship
with Bella before. Stubbornly refusing to meet his eyes, I sucked in another deep
breath. Remember when you asked if Bella and I had... if we... My fists
clenched in frustration when I just couldnt bring myself to finish the sentence.
It took a moment, but his expression slowly changed from confusion to
understanding. And then it turned into pure shock. But to his credit, he seemed to
recover pretty quickly, at least on the outside. This is about... about... sex? he
managed to get out, almost whispering the last word, and if I hadnt been so

freaked out by the whole thing, I might have found his reaction comical.
As it was, I couldnt see anything even close to amusing about the situation. I
swallowed hard. More than anything, I wished I hadnt brought it up. Suddenly I
realized I was shaking.
Emmett must have seen my rising distress, because he instantly straightened up,
nervously raising his hands in front of him. Hey, its cool, we can talk about this.
Just dont... He hesitated, clearly unsure of how to go on, and all of a sudden, I
felt bad for him.
Somehow, I managed to regain control and push the panic away, at least for the
moment. Im fine, I mumbled, ducking my head in shame. Just forget I said
anything.
Hold on just a sec... I could hear the conflict in his voice - obviously he was
relieved I wasnt about to freak out on him, but at the same time, I got the feeling
he didnt really want to let it go. But I couldnt for the life of me figure out why.
He finally continued, tentatively, You just took me by surprise, thats all. Theres
nothing wrong with... I mean, whatever you want to know, Ill do my best to
answer.
At least he sounded sincere. I watched him warily for a few seconds, trying to
decide what to do. This was so fucking humiliating. I really should have thought
this through before I opened my mouth. So maybe Emmett was willing to answer
my questions, but a fat lot of good that would do when I didnt even know what to
ask him in the first place.
So, you and Bella havent...? he hesitated a little, clearly taking pity on me and
trying to give me an opening. But you have at least thought about it? Or did she
say anything?
No! I quickly shook my head, feeling more embarrassed by the second. How
could I ever think, even for a moment, that this would be a good idea? The
subject may have come up, I finally admitted, feeling my cheeks heating.
Right. He nodded in understanding. And how did that conversation play out?
Seeing my alarmed expression, he hurried to explain, You dont have to give me
details or anything, I was just wondering if the two of you are on the same page,
so to speak.
My eyes widened as I thought I knew where he was going with this. Bellas a... I
mean, she hasnt... I stopped when he quickly held up both hands, as if to prevent

me from finishing.
Okay, good, but thats really none of my business. He ran his fingers awkwardly
through his hair. How do I put this? Um... Do you know where Bella stands?
Does she seem ready to... start exploring?
I blinked at his choice of words. I-I dont know. She... I swallowed. She said
she thinks...that... can be a good thing. With the right person. And she sort of
hinted... I looked away, ...that I was that person. Right, I mean. For her.
Emmett nodded slowly. And how do you feel about that? I didnt respond. He
sighed. Look, Edward, Bellas right. Sex can be good. Amazing, even. But only if
youre ready. Because if youre not, I dont think it really matters if youre with
the right person or not. He was quiet for a moment. Listen, Ive been thinking
about what you said that day. You know, when...?
I tensed up, because I realized what day he was referring to. Squeezing my eyes
shut, I then nodded.
He went on in a low voice, You said theres nothing good about sex. That you
would never hurt Bella. He paused. But you do realize... I mean, you must
know... What happened to you... I glanced at him, noting that he looked just as
uncomfortable as I felt. Then he gulped and inhaled shakily. Thats not sex.
Huh?
I just looked at him blankly. Somewhere at the back of my mind, a voice screamed
at me to put an end to this conversation right now, because we were getting way
too close to dangerous territory. But I couldnt help myself - I needed to
understand what he meant by that. Because it made absolutely no sense to me. All
of a sudden, I was intrigued. What do you mean? I finally whispered.
For a moment, Emmett looked almost panicked. But somehow he seemed to pull
himself together. When he spoke up, I didnt miss the pained look on his face.
Sex is supposed to be about pleasure, all right? And respect. You do it because
you want to, because it feels right for both of you. Its not supposed to hurt. But
when someone... Now it was his turn to avert his eyes.
Fucking ironic, because in that moment, I was unable to look away from him. I
kept staring at him with wide eyes, feeling like I was close to a revelation of some
kind. When someone... what?
He blinked rapidly, still not looking at me, and when he finally responded, his

voice was thick, unsteady. When someone... forces himself on another person...
Thats fucking wrong. Its not sex. Its... He stopped, unable to finish. But I knew
what he was going to say.
So I finished for him.
Its rape.

Chapter 92
EPOV
For as long as I could remember, I had done my best to avoid thinking of
unpleasant things, even though I knew deep down that it was pointless, because
sooner or later, it would all just come crashing down on me. The scary thing was,
once I had allowed my mind to start wandering, it was just impossible to stop
thinking.
I felt like I had just woken up from a dream - or a nightmare - only the disturbing
images wouldnt go away, because it wasnt really a dream at all. It was all very
confusing, not to mention frustrating, and I honestly didnt know how to handle it.
After my talk with Emmett, I was torn, conflicted. I felt like Id just had an
epiphany of some kind - I just wasnt sure what to make of it. To his credit,
Emmett had been really cool about the whole thing, and I had been waiting for the
familiar signs of awkwardness and panic to set in, but it didnt happen.
For some reason, I was able to open up to him without freaking out, and I couldnt
tell which one was more surprised - me or him.
The next morning, I offered to give Alice a ride to school. I missed Bella and
couldnt wait for my classes to be over so I could go see her, but with yesterdays
humiliating events fresh in my mind, I felt really awkward about facing her father
again, even though hed told me I was welcome to come back today.
I wasnt stupid - I realized my past wasnt the only thing I needed to learn how to
deal with. My temper had always been getting the best of me, and I meant it when
I told Bella I would work on it. Truth be told, I wasnt sure Id ever be able to
control myself completely, but I had to at least try. I owed it to her, and everyone
else - myself included.

As I was driving, I kept throwing glances at Alice, trying to decide whether or not
it would be a good idea to ask her for advice on how to do some damage control. I
had screwed up yesterday, and now I desperately needed to fix it. The question
was how, and that was where Alice came in. Unlike me, she was always good at
dealing with other people.
I thought I was being discreet, but it didnt take more than a few minutes before
Alice turned to me, an expectant look on her face. So?
So? I repeated, perplexed.
She let out a patient sigh, but her voice was slightly amused. Are you gonna tell
me why Im here? Seeing my confusion, she clarified, You offered to take me to
school. You never do that. Normally, I have to practically beg you to let me into
your car.
I felt like I had just been punched in the stomach. Sure, I may have been a fucking
ass to her before, but I really thought we were getting past all that. I was obviously
wrong, seeing how she seemed to expect me to have some hidden motive to be
nice to her. Okay, so I did sort of want to talk to her, but I could just as easily have
done that at home.
I just... I shook my head, dejectedly. Never mind.
Edward... She rolled her eyes. I was joking, all right? But I can see somethings
bothering you, and I was just wondering if Id have to goad it out of you.
I relaxed a little, happy to be wrong with my assumption. Then I sighed in defeat.
I made an ass out of myself at Bellas yesterday. And her dad was around.
Oh. There was a sudden hint of concern in her voice. Are you okay? What
happened?
She told me something. I didnt like it. I grimaced, waving my hand in
dismissal. Doesnt really matter. The point is, I have to go back there today, and if
Charlies home, things are gonna be fucking awkward.
Yeah, I can see that. Alice got a thoughtful look on her face. Then she smiled.
Hey, why dont I come with you? I havent seen Bella in a couple of days, and
Charlie loves me. Ill have him warmed up in no time, and then you can make
your move.

She winked at me, but I was lost. And what move would that be?
Her smile widened. To show him youre not really an ass, of course.
OoO
B POV
I felt much better the next morning, but my dad still insisted that I should take an
extra day off from school, just to be on the safe side. Most reluctantly, I finally
agreed. Normally I wouldnt mind, but now it also meant another day without
Edward. Needless to say, I didnt like it.
Of course, Charlie tried to placate me by reminding me that Edward was welcome
to visit me once school was out for the day, but I honestly feared - after what
happened yesterday - that he would be too embarrassed to show up. I could only
hope I was wrong.
So I was beyond relieved when I got a text message from him by lunch time,
promising he would stop by later. In fact, I was so happy, I instantly forgave my
father for making me stay home one more day.
I kept throwing impatient looks at my alarm clock, willing the time to pass.
Charlie made me ham and cheese sandwiches for lunch, bringing them up to my
room on a tray, along with a large glass of milk and a cup of herbal tea. It was nice
of him, and I didnt have the heart to tell him I would have preferred to just go
downstairs and eat at the kitchen table.
A couple of hours later, I was jolted awake by a knock on the door, and I sat up
with a start, desperately trying to work the tangles out of my hair with my fingers.
I had showered and washed my hair this morning, but I didnt bother to use the
blow dryer, and now it was a complete mess. The last thing I wanted was for
Edward to see me like this.
Then again, I supposed he would love me either way, with or without a rats nest
on my head.
Hi, Bella! Are you feeling better today? The door swung open, and my smile of
excitement faded a little when, instead of Edward, Alice was the one standing in
the doorway, grinning widely.

I quickly covered up, though, smiling as I gestured for her to come in. Hey, Alice.
Yeah, I feel a lot better, actually. I paused. I didnt know you were coming. Im
glad you did, though. Its getting really boring, being cooped up in my room for
this long. Never thought Id say this, but I cant wait to go back to school.
Alice let out a soft, musical laugh. Yeah, I can imagine. Are you coming back
tomorrow? I nodded. Thats great. Ive missed you. She winked at me. And I
know Im not the only one. I blushed a little.
So... I hesitated for a second. Alice, dont take this the wrong way, because Im
really happy to see you. But wheres Edward? He said hed be here. Is he okay?
Did something happen? I tried not to sound too concerned, but I felt my heart
starting to beat a little faster.
Relax, Bella - Edwards fine. She gave me an assuring smile. And hes here.
Downstairs, talking to Charlie.
The relief I felt when I realized Edward was all right quickly got replaced by
panic. Are you kidding me? And you just left him there?! I jumped to my feet,
fast enough to give myself a head rush.
My vision became slightly blurry, causing me to sway, and Alice quickly placed a
hand on my arm to steady me. Are you okay? she asked worriedly.
Yeah, sure. I waved my hand impatiently, making a motion to step past her.
Look, Alice, I need to-
She cut me off, Bella, calm down. Like I said - Edwards just fine. In fact, hes
the one who asked me to go upstairs and see you. I guess he wanted to talk to your
father in private.
What? I gave her a look of disbelief. That just doesnt make any sense, Alice. I
mean, why would he do that? I felt like my head was spinning.
For a moment, Alice appeared to be a little uncomfortable. She sighed. Look, he
told me a little about what happened yesterday. He feels really bad about it. I think
he wants to apologize.
My eyes widened at her words. Not that I was really surprised Edward would feel
that way, but for him to actually bite the bullet and voluntarily speak to my dad?
The thought filled me with wonder and pride. He had changed so much over the
last couple of months, it was absolutely amazing.

Now, if only he could see himself the way I saw him. Sadly, Edwards self-esteem
was still at the bottom. However, I was willing to do everything in my power to
change that. I figured it would take a lot of time, though. Time, and patience.
Trying to push my worries to the side, at least for the moment, I asked Alice if Id
missed anything of major importance at school, and she happily started filling me
in. I did my best to focus on her voice, but I couldnt help but listen for any
strange sounds, coming from downstairs. But the house suddenly seemed eerily
quiet. Or maybe it was just me.
Suddenly I snapped out of it, as something Alice had just said registered in my
brain, and my eyes shot to hers in disbelief. Wait, could you repeat that? Did you
just say Edward...? I was too shocked to finish.
She smiled at my stunned expression. Yes, Bella. Edward has been eating lunch
with us in the cafeteria for the last two days. I just stared at her as she explained
how Emmett of all people had somehow managed to accomplish what I had
assumed to be an impossible task. Had there been any doubt left in my mind that
Emmett truly cared about Edward, this wouldve made those thoughts disappear
for good.
I felt a few tears prickle the corner of my eyes. On the one hand, I felt like I was
about to burst with pride and happiness. And on the other, I just wished I could
have been there. I swallowed hard. Thats wonderful, Alice. Really wonderful. I
meant it, with all my heart.
What is? Edward asked from the doorway, causing me to jump, and he
immediately gave me an apologetic look. Sorry, love. Didnt mean to startle- he
was cut off as I launched myself at him, throwing my arms around his neck and
burying my face in his chest. I let out a content sigh as he hugged me tightly. He
smelled so good. I could just stand here inhaling his delicious scent for hours.
You are, I mumbled now, in response to his question. Ive missed you so much
today, Edward. Im telling you, Ill never get sick again. He just chuckled.
Alice finally let out a gagging sound, although when she spoke, I didnt miss the
teasing note in her voice. You guys are so sweet, its disgusting. Stop it.
Reluctantly pulling back a little, Edward raised a brow at her, but she just beamed
at him. He merely shook his head and turned back to me, running his knuckles
tenderly down my cheek. Hi.
Hi, I breathed, melting on the spot. Then the bubble burst, bringing me back to

reality. Did you talk to my dad? He nodded. And? I prompted, hoping I didnt
sound as nervous as I felt.
Were cool, was all he offered. My eyes narrowed suspiciously, but I noticed he
didnt seem upset, so I decided to let it go. After all, I had been missing him
desperately all day, and now when he was finally here, I really didnt feel like
talking about Charlie. And judging by the way he kept gazing lovingly into my
eyes, I was pretty sure Edward felt the same way.
Alice let out an exaggerated sigh, rolling her eyes in a goodhearted manner.
Okay... I think Ill just head home.
You dont have to go, I protested, not wanting Alice to feel unwelcome. Edward
shook his head in agreement.
She just smiled. Its okay, I wasnt planning on staying. I just wanted to say hi.
Actually, Im going to Jaspers for dinner. Hes coming to pick me up.
I nodded in understanding, relieved that she wasnt leaving because she felt left
out. Oh, well, have fun. Alice just grinned in response, causing me to blush as it
hit me that she and Jasper were actually doing it. She had never admitted out loud
that they were having sex - I could only assume it was out of respect towards me
and Edward - but I wasnt all that surprised.
Yeah, um, tell Jasper I said hi. Or, you know, whatever. Edward shrugged
awkwardly, and someone who didnt know him would most likely think he was
being rude. But Alice was beaming, nodding eagerly, and it hit me once again how
much things had changed lately.
A few minutes later, Edward and I were alone. I walked over to the bed and sat
down, smiling shyly.
So... Edward cleared his throat. How are you feeling, love? Still tired? After a
brief moments hesitation, he made his way over to me and sat down as well,
reaching for my hand and starting to trace patterns in my palm with his thumb.
The gesture warmed my heart.
I was tempted to say yes, just to have an excuse to curl up next to him and fall
asleep in his arms again, like I had yesterday. But I shook my head. Nope. I feel
so much better today. Looks like it was just a 24-hour bug or something.
Im glad. He brought my hand up to his lips and pressed a tender kiss to each of
my knuckles. Think I wouldve gone crazy if Id had to go to school one more

day without you. He kept his tone light, but I had a feeling he wasnt really
joking. His words made me both sad and happy at the same time.
You wouldve managed, I assured him. Hey, Alice told me you had lunch in the
cafeteria. Thats amazing, baby! Im so proud of you.
Instead of looking pleased by my praise, like I had expected, Edward frowned.
You make it sound like thats some major accomplishment. But its not. Everyone
eats in the fucking cafeteria, Bella. This is no big deal, not really. A pause. Guess
its just me being a little less of a freak than usual.
My smile faded at his words - I couldnt believe what I was hearing. Or, in a way, I
suppose I shouldnt be so surprised. He just couldnt see anything good and
positive in himself, and it was crushing me. It also made me angry. Dont say
that! It may not seem like much for most people, but it is for you. And I am proud
of you, dammit! Dont you dare take that away from me.
He blinked in surprise, clearly taken aback by my outburst. Well, I wasnt going to
apologize for getting upset.
Sorry, he mumbled. I didnt mean it like that.
I know, I sighed, shaking my head in exasperation. You were just putting
yourself down, as usual. I really wish you wouldnt do that, Edward. It hurts my
heart when you think so little of yourself.
He watched me in silence for almost a minute, as if allowing my words to sink in.
Then he looked away. I know, love. Ill try to do better, I promise.
I bit my lip, not sure how to respond to that. It was like - to Edward - nothing he
did would ever be good enough. And I just didnt know to make him see things
differently. I swallowed. Can I hug you?
The sharp note in his voice took me by surprise. Ive told you - you never have to
ask! As tears welled up in my eyes, his face instantly softened and he pulled me
into his arms without hesitation. Im sorry, Bella, Im so sorry. I didnt mean to
be an ass. I love you.
Yeah, I know. My words came out muffled as I buried my face in the crook of
his neck. I love you, too.
He let out a soft sigh, as of relief. For a couple of minutes, we just sat there
silently, holding on to each other. Then - in unison - we slowly slid down on the

bed until we were both in a lying position, arms still wrapped tightly around the
other. Edward nuzzled my hair, and I happily snuggled closer. In that moment, I
was in heaven.
And then he whispered, Bella? I just hummed in response, enjoying the way his
hand was running slowly up and down my back. His movement stilled then, his
fingers hesitating at the edge of my shirt, and suddenly I was afraid to even
breathe. I could feel the slight tremor of his chest as he swallowed hard. Can I...
touch you?
I felt my lips part, but no words came out. So I tried again. This time, a strange,
moaning sound escaped my throat, and my cheeks flushed. Youre already
touching me, I finally managed to get out in a breathless whisper, not daring to
hope his words would actually mean what they sounded like.
Yes, but I... I felt him tremble against me, but somehow, I just knew it had
nothing to do with fear or discomfort. When he finally went on, his voice was
barely more than a whisper, I wanna touch you... more.
Sure, any way you want, I breathed, knowing I probably sounded way more
eager than what would be considered appropriate, but I didnt care. In that
moment, I would do just about anything to keep him from pulling away from me.
Suddenly, I was also absolutely convinced that I needed Edward to touch me more
than I needed air to breathe.
He was still tentatively fingering my shirt, although truthfully, I wasnt even sure
he was actually aware of doing it. So I knew I was taking a risk when I spoke up,
softly, Ill take it off if you want. He froze in his tracks, and for a second, I
feared I had just made a huge mistake.
Then he nodded. All right.

Chapter 93
BPOV
My brain must have stopped working, because I clearly wasnt thinking straight. I
had already started to pull the shirt over my head when I came to my senses and
stopped, my eyes widening as I remembered that Charlie was downstairs. Should

he decide to come check on us...

I couldnt even finish that thought in my head.
Edward noticed my sudden hesitation and pulled back a little, his expression a
mixture of confusion and disappointment. Bella, you dont have to... I mean, if
you have changed your mind... his voice trailed off and he quickly lowered his
eyes.
No! I gasped, fiercely shaking my head. But... but my dad. He could come up
here, and... My cheeks flushed.
He just looked at me blankly for a second, and then understanding seemed to hit
him. Oh. Um, hes not... he cleared his throat. He said something about going
to the station.
I gave him a hopeful look. Are you sure? He nodded. Glancing at the closed
door, I bit my lip. Could be a trick.
Edwards face paled a little and he gulped. A trick? He suddenly looked very
uncomfortable.
Ill be right back, okay? Dont go anywhere. I jumped out of the bed before he
got the chance to stop me and hurried over to the door, carefully pushing it open.
Listening for a moment, I then called out softly, Dad? No response. But I had to
make sure he wasnt down there. So I snuck through the hallway as quietly as I
could, tiptoeing down the stairs.
The TV was off, and Charlie was nowhere to be seen. I looked out the window,
searching for any sign of his cruiser. But the driveway was empty. I made no
attempt of holding back my relief and excitement as I quickly made my way back
upstairs, back to Edward.
He was sitting up on the bed, fidgeting nervously as I reentered the room. I gave
him a smile I hoped would help him relax. The coast is clear. He really left. I
didnt hesitate as I went over to him and climbed back into bed. Then I glanced at
him. Um, where were we?
Bella... He took a deep breath. Look, I feel kinda lost here. This is not... Im
not he closed his eyes for a moment. When he spoke again, I had to struggle to
make out the words. Im not sure what I should be doing right now, he
confessed. I opened my mouth, but he hurried on, I cant... I mean, fuck, Im not
ready to... I just wanna...

I cut him off by pressing my lips to his, willing his discomfort to go away. His
obvious awkwardness made me feel bad for him, because I realized he had no idea
I was nervous as well.
Edward, I whispered, relieved when his eyes immediately met mine. I dont
expect you to do anything youre not comfortable with. Lets just start real slow.
You said you wanted to touch me? He nodded. Do you still want me to...? I
gestured to my shirt.
He swallowed, then nodded again. I was unable to keep the relieved smile off my
face. Okay. An idea hit me. Hey, why dont we just get under the covers? Wed
be more comfortable that way.
Edward seemed to contemplate my words. Yeah, all right. I reached for the thick
duvet and pulled it over us. Then, after a few seconds of hesitation, I finally
removed my top, letting it drop to the floor. That was when I remembered that I
was wearing a plain white sports bra underneath, and felt a wave of
embarrassment come over me.
Why hadnt I put on something a little more... exciting?
I wanted to curl up in Edwards arms and hide my face in the crook of his neck,
allowing his touch, his smell, his mere presence to soothe me and make my sudden
uneasiness disappear. But for some reason, I was afraid to move. Not that I was
uncomfortable exactly, but I was starting to feel self-conscious. What if I couldnt
live up to Edwards expectations? Would he be disappointed in me?
Lets face it - I wasnt all that special. My skin was too pale, and my breasts were
kind of small. And I realized it had been at least a week since I last shaved my
legs. I made a mental note to keep my sweat pants on, no matter what. Then I
almost rolled my eyes. Talk about getting ahead of myself.
Edward must have sensed my distress - somehow he had become an expert of
reading my emotions - because he offered me a small smile and tucked some of
my hair behind my ear. Youre beautiful, he mumbled.
This time, I did roll my eyes, even though what he said had made my heart pick up
its speed. It may have been a lie, but that didnt stop the words from doing funny
things to my inside. Right. You havent even seen me yet. To emphasize my
point, I motioned to the duvet covering me.
Ive always seen you, love. Edward brushed his lips against mine. Ive always

known how beautiful you are.

I think I died a little. Either that, or I had just melted into a big puddle of goo.
Then I forced myself to snap out of it, because there was no way I was going to let
this opportunity pass. Unknowingly, he had just given me an opening to what
would otherwise most likely turn into an awkward conversation. I sucked in a
breath. The same goes for you, baby. You must know that. Youre just as beautiful
to me as I am to you. His eyes darkened and he started shaking his head in
protest.
I didnt give him a chance to object as I went on, a firm note in my voice, No,
you are. Ive seen your heart, Edward, and its so beautiful. You may have scars,
both on your body and your soul, but that doesnt make you imperfect in any way.
I know you think of them as flaws, but theyre not. Theyre just... I searched
quickly for the right word, ...proof.
He frowned, and I didnt miss the look of confusion on his face. Proof of what?
he asked quietly.
I placed my hand on his cheek, watching how he closed his eyes. That youve
been through hell, and made it back. His eyes snapped open. I tried to smile.
And I will be grateful for the rest of my life that youre here, and that you chose
me. A single tear rolled down his face. I kissed it away. I love you.
I love you, too, he breathed into my mouth, a second before catching my lips
with his.
It was really nice here in Heaven. I wouldnt mind staying forever.
When Edward pulled back, it was way too soon for my liking. But for some
reason, the look on his face kept me from whining in protest. He started running
his fingers gently through my hair, although I got the feeling the action was more a
subconscious attempt to calm himself down than anything else. Not that I would
ever complain, of course. The fact that he wouldnt meet my eyes bothered me.
I wanted to ask him what he was thinking, but something prevented me from
doing so. Somehow I just knew he was working up the courage to share his
thoughts with me, and it wouldnt do for me to push him. So I remained silent,
waiting.
Finally he spoke up, softly, Im afraid that if I show you, you will think
differently. I shook my head, but he continued before I could interrupt, I know

you wont mean to, but what if you cant help it? You may be... he swallowed,
...disgusted, Bella. I dont think I can look at you and see the pity in your eyes. It
would fucking kill me.
My eyes were stinging, but - surprisingly enough - they remained dry. All these
lame and meaningless phrases of assurance were flying through my head, but I
spoke the only words that would matter - the truth. You will never see pity in my
eyes, Edward. Only compassion. I paused. And love. Thats a promise.
For the longest time, he just looked at me, no doubt searching for the truth in my
eyes. He must have found what he was looking for, because a ghost of a smile
appeared on his face. Then he nodded, slowly. I believe you. After what seemed
like hours, but could only have been a minute or two, he finally added, I think I
want to take my shirt off now.
I didnt try to speak, knowing that if I did, my voice would break. Instead I just
leaned in and kissed him, tenderly. His lips parted slightly, allowing my tongue to
slip into his mouth. Another minute passed as we just got lost in each other. Then
Edward broke our kiss for the second time, panting a little. I smiled at him, feeling
like it was the only action I would be capable of at the moment.
He released me and sat up, and it didnt even occur to me to protest as he pulled
the duvet with him to cover himself, leaving me exposed on the bed.
Then he pulled the black t-shirt over his head.
OoO
EPOV
Whenever I stepped out of the shower, I would avoid looking at myself in the
mirror, not wanting to see the ugly red marks, marring my flesh. My back was the
worst, seeing how James preferred to have me facing away from him when he was
beating me. He mostly used his fists on my face, but when it came to the parts of
my body that I could cover up with clothes, he liked to use sharper objects.
Because he wanted to leave marks; a constant reminder on my body that he was
the one in charge.
He would hit me with his belt a lot, and that final night, he had used a broken beer
bottle. But every once in a while, he would let his creativity loose and try out other

ways to inflict damage on my skin. Like a cigarette lighter, a car key, or a pair of
scissors. It didnt really matter - it all hurt like a bitch.
I had mentioned my scars to Bella once, but neither of us had brought it up again.
Now I realized she hadnt forgotten. Not that I had really expected her to, of
course. The thought of showing Bella my scars, exposing myself so completely,
filled me with dread. But at the same time...
It was just Bella.
Somehow, she always knew just what to say, what I needed to hear. And my love
for her only grew. It was funny, seeing how just a couple of months ago, I hadnt
known what love was. I didnt think I had it in me, and I had been convinced that I
was so fucking worthless, it just wasnt possible for anyone to ever love me.
Now I knew I was wrong.
Bella loved me. She believed in me. And I needed her to know that I trusted her in
return. I needed myself to see that I could do this, that I could trust Bella
completely and that she wouldnt judge me. I already knew it in my heart. It was
time to put my guard down, allow myself to fall, and trust Bella to be there and
catch me.
I took a deep breath. I think I want to take my shirt off now.
Instead of responding - as if sensing that words were unnecessary - Bella just
kissed me. And I knew no pain, anxiety, or fear.
I removed my shirt.
Bella was lying on her side, watching me silently. My instinct told me to avert my
eyes, but I fought it. With my eyes locked on hers, I slid back down so I was lying
next to her, covering us both up with the duvet. Then I wished I hadnt, because I
couldnt see her now. And I wanted to. Desperately.
You can touch me if you want, Bella murmured, like she could read my mind. I
tried to nod, but all of a sudden, I found myself unable to move. There was no
panic, no flashbacks. My body was just frozen, as I didnt know what to do. What
if I would unintentionally hurt her?
She kept looking me right in the eyes as she took my hand, gently placing it on her
stomach. I swallowed. Her skin was smooth, warm. And my fingers were
trembling. Bella let out a soft sigh as I finally started moving my hand, rubbing

small circles on her flat belly.

I still wasnt sure of what I was doing, but it felt right. And judging by the smile
on my Bellas face, she felt the same way. In that moment, I wanted to ask her to
touch me as well. But the words wouldnt come. As I kept stroking her, I felt
myself growing hard. Only this time, it didnt cause me to freak out.
Mirroring Bellas action, I reached for her hand, slowly guiding it to my chest.
After a moments hesitation, I let go, waiting to see what she would do. A part of
me had expected her to immediately start exploring, but she just kept her hand
still. Then, after what seemed like an eternity, she finally started moving her thumb
back and forth, in the most tender caress.
I closed my eyes, inhaled shakily, and whispered, Take it off. There was no
doubt she wouldnt know what I meant.
Bella didnt ask me if I was sure. Instead she just placed the lightest of kisses at
the corner of my mouth, and slowly pulled the duvet down. Then she snuggled
into me, resting her head on my shoulder, and started running her fingers gently
over my chest. Thank you, she mumbled into my ear. I couldnt bring myself to
respond.
Her hand stilled. Please, open your eyes, she whispered huskily. When I obeyed,
I noticed that her bottom lip was trembling as she let her eyes wander over my
upper body. I opened my mouth, only to stop as she leaned in and started planting
feather light kisses all over my defected and blemished skin.
She was kissing my scars. And I couldnt find it in me to be disgusted, because it
felt so fucking good.
I must have made some kind of sound, because I felt Bella tense up a little, and
she glanced at me in concern. Edward, is this...?
Okay, I finished for her, the word coming out as a gasp. Yes. Please dont
stop. I didnt have to ask her twice.
I love you, Bella mumbled, tracing my skin with her fingers. Youre so
beautiful.
I felt a lump growing in my throat. You still havent seen my back, I managed to
choke out, squeezing my eyes shut.
No. She shifted a little so she could rest her forehead against mine. But I will

when youre ready. And it wont change a thing.

Somehow, I believed her.
I love you, I croaked, wrapping myself around her and all but crushing her to
me. Bella fitted in my arms so perfectly, like we were made for each other. And the
feeling of holding her this close, without the barrier of our shirts between us, it
went beyond everything I had ever dared to dream of.
I was still hard, and it was becoming a bit uncomfortable, but I didnt feel sick or
repulsed, like I had before. Being with Bella this way felt so natural - there just
couldnt be anything bad or wrong with what we were doing. I refused to think
that way anymore. I may be broken, damaged, but Bella was so sweet and pure,
and I couldnt help but feel like her touch, her very presence, was cleansing me.
Healing me.
I love you, Bella, I gasped, repeating the words over and over, because I
couldnt get enough of saying it, and I couldnt fucking get enough of holding her,
hugging her, touching her. I needed to feel her, and I needed to feel her hands on
my body, because it made me realize this was all real, and not just something I had
conjured up in my mind.
Like always, Bella seemed to know just what I needed without me having to say it
out loud. She squeezed me tighter, whispering soft words of love and assurance
into my ear, and her lips found mine. I didnt even react when her hands started
running up and down my back, caressing me tenderly, although I knew she could
feel the rough and ridged texture of my skin.
It just didnt bother me.
I slid my leg across hers, just to get even closer, and I heard Bella let out a soft
moan. Then, without even realizing what I was doing, I rolled us over so I was on
top of her. Her only response was to tighten her grip on me, and my lips searched
for hers again, hungrily and desperately.
I didnt want to stop. I wanted more.
And suddenly I felt like things were moving too fast.
Wait, I panted, rolling off Bella before the panic would set in. She froze in her
tracks and let go of me immediately. I sat up abruptly, forcing myself to take a
couple of long, slow breaths. As the seconds ticked by, I felt myself relaxing. I was

all right. Still no flashbacks, no voices in my head. I was even able to offer Bella a
shaky smile. Im okay. I meant it.
She watched me closely for a moment, as if to make sure I was being sincere.
Then she smiled as well. I guess well just have to go a bit slower the next time.
The next time?
I realized I could hardly wait.

Chapter 94
EPOV
So, how has your week been? Angela asked as I plunked myself down on the
couch. That seemed to be her standard question every time we started a session,
but - unlike the shrinks I had been seeing in the past - she managed to make it
come out less forced and robotic, and more like she was actually interested.
Good, I responded automatically. Then I frowned, which of course didnt go by
her.
You look surprised, she stated, giving me a curious look. Would you mind
telling me what youre thinking?
I shrugged, somewhat awkwardly. The truth was, I had spoken without even
thinking, and it wasnt until the words had already left my mouth that I realized I
meant it.
How about that?
Of course, it made me wonder how long it would last. And even more so - what
would happen next? This wasnt me being pessimistic, not really. It was simply
my experience speaking. Because sooner or later, the world always came crashing
down on me. Well, either that, or I managed to screw things up all by myself.
I sighed. Actually, Im thinking that things have been a little too good lately.
She looked a little confused. And thats a bad thing?

No. I shook my head, impatiently. But its just a matter of time before
something bad happens. Thats the story of my fucking life.
I see. Angela got a thoughtful look on her face. You feel like the last couple of
days have sort of been like the calm before the storm, is that what you mean? I
considered her words for a moment, then nodded. She nodded as well. Its
possible. But theres also a pretty good chance youre wrong. So, unless you can
predict the future... she left the rest of the sentence hanging.
I rolled my eyes, feeling a little stupid. Of course not. Just saying its better to be
prepared.
Maybe. And maybe not. She leaned back into the chair. If you ask me, Id say
that sounds like a pretty exhausting way of living - always expecting the worst to
happen and never be able to fully relax.
Yeah, well, it beats getting disappointed every time life decides its time to screw
me over again, I muttered angrily.
Angela was quiet for a moment. Are you saying you blame life for what
happened to you?
No, I fucking blame him! I growled, giving her a look that dared her to object.
When she remained silent, I continued, only a little calmer this time,But the
bastards out of my life, and Im still all fucked up. So explain to me why I
shouldnt just sit and wait for the other shoe to drop. I didnt miss the almost
pleading note in my voice, and I wondered if she had heard as well. Not that I
really cared.
I just desperately wanted her to tell me I was wrong.
Because it makes you miserable. I blinked in surprise. Angela went on,
Refusing to let your guard down may seem like a safe way to keep from getting
hurt. But frankly, I believe it only has the opposite effect. Now, I know you have
some really good things in your life. Lets focus on those for a while. How does
that sound?
I nodded in agreement, eager to get the dark thoughts out of my head. All right.
She clapped her hands together. You said the last week was good, which means
some positive things must have happened. Tell me.
Um... I hesitated. My thoughts immediately went to Bella, and the intimate

moment we had shared in her bed a few days ago. But for some reason, I didnt
feel comfortable bringing it up, at least not right now. It just seemed a little too
personal. I remembered something else. Oh, Ive been having lunch in the school
cafeteria a couple of times.
Really? A genuine smile appeared on Angelas face. Thats wonderful, Edward.
Tell me about it. How did it work out for you?
A little embarrassed - but also secretly pleased by her obvious approval - I lowered
my eyes and shrugged. It wasnt as bad as I thought it would be. The first time,
the cafeteria was almost empty. I sat with Emmett and Alice, and two of their
friends.
Angela didnt even try to hide the look of surprise on her face. No Bella?
She was sick, I explained. But shes better now. We all had lunch together
yesterday.
She nodded in understanding. What about today?
Just me and Bella, I admitted. Just because I was getting more comfortable
eating with the others as well didnt mean I was about to give up my sacred time
with Bella. We would still have lunch together - just the two of us, out by the
picnic table - every once in a while, for as long as I had anything to say about it.
And I knew Bella felt the same way.
Well, I think this is great. I could tell she was being sincere. Youve taken
something that used to make you very uncomfortable and agitated, and turned it
into a positive experience. You should be really proud of yourself.
Suddenly feeling a bit awkward, I looked away. Maybe she was right, but that was
not the way my mind worked. I would blame myself whenever something went
wrong - that was a given. But on the rare occasions when I didnt fuck everything
up, resulting in things actually turning out right for a change, it never occurred to
me to feel pride of what I had accomplished. It just wasnt in me.
Naturally, Angela didnt miss the way my expression changed. Tell me what
youre thinking.
I sighed, stubbornly keeping my eyes away. You said I should be proud of
myself. I dont... I hesitated, not sure how to explain. But I realized I didnt have
to, because she could obviously see right through me.

Youre not used to thinking like that. She nodded in understanding. Thats
something we need to work on - for you to learn how to feel good about yourself.
I raised my head, giving her a skeptical look, but remained silent. She continued,
The way I see it, Edward, youve become trapped in a vicious circle, where you
keep looking at things from a negative point of view.
I just looked at her, waiting for her to go on, although I was pretty certain I wasnt
going to like where she was heading.
Let me give you an example. Angela calmly held my gaze. About a week and a
half ago, you and Bella went to the movies with your sister, Alice, and her
boyfriend. I tensed up, and my eyes darkened as I recalled the humiliating
incident at the movie theater. She gave me a sad smile. Now, youre instantly
thinking of what went wrong. Am I correct? I merely grunted in response.
She went on, But Edward, by simply focusing on the set-backs, youre not
allowing yourself to see the progress. What about the fact that you tried? That you
actually attempted to do something you knew would be outside your comfort
zone? If you ask me, thats indeed something to be proud of.
Then youre a hell of a lot more brave than I am. I have a problem with heights,
and I would rather cut off my own hand and run around school naked than taking
Alice out skydiving or something like that. Really, Im impressed you even agreed
to come here in the first place.
For some reason, I heard Jaspers voice in my head. Those were the exact words
he had said after I confessed to him I had a problem with dark and crowded places.
To tell the truth, I still couldnt believe I had even told him that much, but I had,
and he didnt laugh at me. Instead he told me he was impressed.
And I had basically just shrugged him off.
Now I threw a reluctant look at Angela. I hear what youre saying. But whats the
point in trying, if its just never good enough?
The point is, you dont give up. There was a firm note in her voice. And more
importantly, you need to open up to the possibility that - to other people - the fact
that youre even trying in the first place makes it enough. I opened my mouth,
then closed it again, having no idea how to respond to that.
She watched me thoughtfully for a moment. Progress is about more than just
visible improvement on the road towards healing. Its also about learning
something in the process. And sometimes, a step back could actually be better than

just being stuck stomping at the same place. It could be a sign, telling you its time
to try facing the problem from another direction.
I frowned at her. Meaning?
It means, Angela explained patiently, that you need to find a solution that
works for you. You need to remember that you always have a choice. Like for
example, the next time you take Bella out on a date. Instead of forcing yourself
into a situation you may not be ready for, you might want to find an alternative
youll both be comfortable with.
Right. I nodded slowly as I took a few seconds to ponder her words. In a way, it
made sense. Ill think about it. She looked very pleased. Casting a discreet look
at my watch, I realized we had already been talking for almost twenty minutes. So
far, this session hadnt been that bad.
Of course, I shouldve known better than thinking it would last.
Edward, Ive been meaning to ask you... Her face turned serious. Have you
given any thought to what we talked about last week? When I just gave her a
blank look, she clarified, I told you about this group therapy session were having
here once a week. You were against it when I brought it up the last time. I just
wanted to know if you still feel the same way.
Fighting back the urge to tell her what I really thought of the idea, I closed my
eyes for a moment, feeling frustration well up inside me. Yes, I do.
Okay. Angela nodded in acceptance. May I ask why?
Does it matter? I said I dont wanna go, and I fucking meant it. I let out a sigh of
defeat. Look, talking to you is one thing, I guess. But you will never get me to sit
in a room full of strangers and share my memories of my fucked up childhood.
Just forget it. Its not fucking happening. I slumped back in my seat, crossing my
arms protectively over my chest.
Fair enough. I wont ask you again. She was quiet for a moment. I do, however,
have another proposition for you. Or, to be more accurate, there is someone I
would like for you to meet. Seeing how my eyes widened in alarm, she hurried
on, Just hear me out, and I promise, the final decision will be yours. All right?
Relaxing, if ever so slightly, I nodded. She went on explaining, Theres this friend
of mine - a young man - studying to become a psychologist. Now, dont get me
wrong. Im not asking you to talk to him like you talk to me, or tell him your life

story. A pause. Im just asking you to listen to his.

I swallowed hard, my entire body tensing up and screaming at me to yell hell no!
Why? I managed to get out.
She looked me right in the eyes. Because I believe it would be of great benefit for
you to hear what he has to say. Of course, Bella is more than welcome to come as
well. Will you at least think about it?
Fuck, no!
All right, I heard myself croak. It would be so much easier to just fucking humor
her. Hopefully, it would get her off my back for now.
Except that I had promised myself to give this a fucking chance. To give Angela a
chance.
And just when the hell had she become Angela to me? Up until now, I hadnt even
realized I had stopped referring to her in my head as Dr. Weber.
Did that mean I was starting to trust her? The thought scared me shitless. It was
dangerous to trust people. Other than Bella, of course, who I had come to trust
with my life. But that was it. Or, I supposed I could count on Carlisle and Esme to
be there for me as well, seeing how they always had. And I figured I also had
Alice on my side. Hell, Emmett too.
I had always been afraid of taking chances in life, because of the risk of getting
hurt again. But suddenly I couldnt help but wonder - what did I have to lose?
Things had changed. Ihad changed. Would it really be so horrible to accept the
help people were offering me? To ask for it myself?
Again - what the fuck did I have to lose?
Later that night, I knocked on the door to Carlisles office. If he was surprised to
see me, he didnt let it show. Instead he just gestured for me to enter. Come on in,
son. What can I do for you?
Um... I hesitated for a moment. Just wanted to talk to you about something. But
if youre busy...?
Absolutely not. Ive been meaning to take a break for a while now, anyway. He
put down the book he was reading and motioned for me to sit. How did the
session go today?

I shrugged. Went all right, I guess. Angela is... I searched my mind for the best
way to describe her, ...not as bad as the other shrinks. Shes pretty cool.
Im very happy to hear you feel that way. Carlisle looked relieved. She is
actually married to a colleague of mine - a male nurse working down at the ER.
But I had never met her in person, and I wasnt even aware of her occupation.
Guess its a small world sometimes.
I nodded absently. Right. I, uh, didnt really come here to talk about the session.
Encouraged by the interest in his eyes, I continued, Um, remember when we
talked about... my birth father? I held my breath.
Carlisles expression immediately changed. Yes, of course.
Inhaling shakily, I ran a hand through my hair. You said there were ways to find
out whether or not Mrs. Masen was telling the truth. Funny how I couldnt even
say the name without cringing. He just nodded, now with a look of concern on his
face. I swallowed. I think... I wanna know.
Are you sure? he asked softly. I nodded, after only a brief moment of hesitation.
All right, then I promise to do whatever I can. It might take a while, though. I
nodded again. To tell the truth, I was a bit relieved. It meant I would have some
time to get used to the idea. Not to mention that I could still change my mind if I
wanted to.
And... Fidgeting a little, I lowered my eyes, suddenly feeling uncomfortable.
Theres more.
Go ahead. His curiosity was piqued.
It hit me that I hadnt really thought this through. It wasnt like me to jump on an
impulse, and to be honest, I wasnt even sure where the idea had come from in the
first place. But there was this one little word, repeating itself in my head, over and
over again.
Closure.
Whether I was becoming really brave, or just plain stupid and reckless, I didnt
know. I just suddenly felt like this was something I needed to do.
I felt a slight pressure on my chest, and I knew the panic was lingering just
beneath the surface, but somehow, I managed to keep it from turning into a full-

blown attack. Taking a deep breath, I raised my head to face Carlisle. I wanna see
her.
There was a hint of confusion on his face. See who, son?
I went on, ignoring his question, because I just wanted to get it all out as quickly
as possible, Not right now, but once I turn eighteen. I wanna see her then. Talk to
her. Ask her... The words got stuck in my throat, so I started over, not caring how
my voice was suddenly trembling, I-I need to know why she did it. Why she let
him... hurt me.
She...? Carlisle stopped, and I could see the exact moment realization hit him.
Then he paled. Your mother. Elizabeth.
You can find her, right? I mean, you know where she lives. You must know how
to get in contact with her. I was babbling now - I could hear it - but I couldnt
help myself. Carlisle, I fucking hate her. I hate that she didnt... I was shaking
now, and almost longed for the merciful darkness to enclose me. To make me
numb, to take me to a place where I just didnt have to deal with all this shit.
But maybe it was time to stop living in denial and hiding from reality.
Because it makes you miserable, Angela pointed out again, this time in my
head.
And I was so fucking tired of being miserable.
I need to do this, I whispered, praying that Carlisle would understand. Dont
you see? Ill never be able to leave it behind me if I dont know why... why she
never tried to fucking stop him.
She was sick, Carlisle reminded me, his voice suddenly husky with emotion. It
still makes her actions inexcusable, but... Edward, I dont understand. What
brought this on?
I shook my head. I-I dont know. I just... Are you saying you... that you wont
help me?
He closed his eyes, and when he opened them again, they were glistening. No,
son, I will help you. Ill always help you.
I let out the breath I had been holding. Thank you.

Chapter 95
BPOV
The next couple of days seemed to pass pretty quickly, and before I knew it, it was
Friday. We were all having lunch together in the cafeteria, discussing our plans for
the weekend. Or, to be more accurate - Alice was trying to make plans for the rest
of us, making it seem like we didnt really have any say in the matter.
I was only half listening when she went on excitedly about a potential movie night
at their house, instead turning to Edward who was sitting next to me, absently
tapping his fingers against the table. Wanna come over to my house after
school? I asked softly. We could just hang out for a while.
Sure, he responded immediately, and I smiled, thinking of how much things had
changed. Only a week ago, I never wouldve thought Id see the day when Edward
willingly entered the cafeteria to have lunch with his siblings. Of course, I could
tell he still wasnt completely comfortable, seeing how he would tense up from
time to time, casting nervous looks around him. But he mostly remained calm.
That alone was so much more than I ever would have dared to hope for, and I
could barely contain the pride and happiness I felt for him.
What do you say, guys? Alices bubbly voice snapped me out of my thoughts.
Tomorrow night? Our place. Are you in or out?
Um... I glanced at Edward. It sounds like fun-
But we already have plans, Edward finished, cutting me off. Alices eyes
narrowed and I could see she was about to object. Obviously seeing my confusion,
Edward looked a little embarrassed and hurried to explain, quietly, Actually, I
was hoping we could do something, just the two of us. Like a date. But if youd
rather hang out with the others and watch movies-
No! I interrupted, unable to hide my excitement. I mean, sure, Id love to go
out on a date. What did you have in mind? I sent Alice an apologetic look, hoping
she would understand, but to my relief, she just grinned and winked at me.
Edward cleared his throat, looking somewhat awkward. Um, its a surprise, he
mumbled. Youll see tomorrow. I beamed at him, leaning in to steal a quick kiss,
and was rewarded with a crooked smile.

What about tonight, then? Alice asked now, obviously not ready to give up her
idea of a movie night. She looked hopefully around the table before her eyes
landed on Edward, and she gave him a pleading look. It would be so much fun.
Just the six of us. Please?
Edward threw a questioning look at me. I just shrugged, helplessly. He sighed
before finally nodding in agreement. Fine. Whatever.
It may not have been the enthusiastic response Alice had hoped for, but she let out
a squeal, bouncing happily up and down in her seat. I just shook my head, but was
secretly pleased. It did sound like fun, and I realized I was already looking forward
to tonight. Especially since Edward didnt seem too opposed to the idea.
When school was out for the day, I met up with Edward out in the parking lot. His
face lit up when he spotted me, although his smile faded when he saw the ugly red
bump on my forehead. What the fuck happened? he demanded, instantly
running his hands gently all over my head, as if checking for more damage.
Its nothing. I waved him off and blushed, feeling like an idiot. Accident prone,
remember? I fell down in gym. Really, Im fine. It looks a lot worse than it really
is. There was no way I would reveal the whole humiliating story - that I had
gracelessly tripped over my feet, which caused me to stumble into the badminton
net, bounced back and ended up smacking my head with my own racket.
No, I preferred to keep what little dignity I had left. PE was my own personal hell
on earth.
Edward didnt look convinced at first, but when he seemed to realize my pride had
been more hurt than my head, he finally decided to let it go, much to my relief.
But not before brushing his lips gently against my forehead, chuckling a little, and
calling me his little accident magnet. I scowled at him, which only added to his
amusement.
Then he opened the door to his car and held it open for me, only he stopped me
before I could get inside, and kissed me for real this time. And just like that, he
was forgiven. I gave him a lazy smile as I slid into the Volvo. He reached for my
hand, and then held it all the way to my house.
My truck was the only vehicle in the driveway, which meant that Charlie had yet
to come home. I vaguely recalled him telling me something this morning about
working late at the station, and I couldnt help but feel excited. It looked as if
Edward and I would have the house all to ourselves for a while.

You sure you dont mind us hanging out with Alice and Emmett tonight? I asked
casually once we were up in my room. Because if you only agreed to get Alice
off your back... I left the rest of the sentence hanging.
No, I dont mind. He walked over to my bed and sat down. I really was going
to ask you out tomorrow, you know. I didnt just make it up as an excuse.
I didnt think you did, I assured him, sitting down next to him on the bed. And
Im really excited. I wish youd give me some kind of hint, though. I mean... I
thought quickly, How am I supposed to know what to wear?
Clothes? he suggested with a smirk.
I groaned and rolled my eyes. Yeah, thats really helpful. Thanks. Edward just
grinned.
Then he became serious. Listen, Bella, theres something Ive been meaning to
talk to you about. And Id prefer to get it over with before we go back to my
house. He paused. I want you to have a good time tonight, love. So just promise
me that once weve gotten this shit out of the way, youll let it go. There was an
almost pleading note in his voice.
Of course, his words made me tense up in alarm. Ill try, but... Youre making me
kinda nervous here. Is it bad?
It took a moment before he answered. I dont know. Not really, I guess. I mean,
nothings happened or anything. Its just... He hesitated. Look, I made a decision
the other day, a pretty big one, and I want to tell you about it. Im just not sure of
how youll react.
Oh. I bit my lip, then managed a smile. Okay, just tell me. I promise not to
freak out.
Edward looked a little skeptical, but nodded. Then he looked down at his hands.
All right. Um, okay, here goes. Ive decided that Im going to see my mother. He
glanced at me, no doubt unsure of my reaction, despite my words of assurance.
At first, I couldnt comprehend what he had just told me, and I almost thought he
was joking. But his dead serious expression told me otherwise. My eyes widened
in disbelief, and all that left my mouth was a perplexed, What?!
He closed his eyes for a few seconds. Bella, I know this must sound crazy to you.

Will you please just let me explain?

I instantly felt guilty, because crazy or not, this was obviously a big deal to him, or
he would never have brought it up in the first place. He obviously needed me to be
supportive. But I just didnt understand what he was saying. His mother? After all
this time, he wanted to see her? For what reason? Was that even allowed? It just
didnt make any sense to me.
A million questions flew through my mind, but I pushed them all away, at least for
now. Then I took his hand, squeezing it gently. Im listening, baby. Im sorry, Im
just a bit confused right now. Just start from the beginning. Ill try not to interrupt
until youre done.
He visibly relaxed a little. Its not that I actually want to see her again. I just... A
frustrated sigh escaped him. Look, I know I havent told you much about
Elizabeth. I dont like talking about her - hell, I dont even like to think about her.
To be perfectly honest, Ive done my best to just block out her existence. Because I
fucking hate her. Im sorry if that upsets you.
I stared at him in bewilderment. Why in the world would that upset me?
Edward grimaced, clearly uncomfortable, but to his credit, he looked me right in
the eyes. Because I know how much youve been mourning the loss of your
mother, and here I am wishing mine was buried six feet down the fucking ground.
His words may have seemed cruel, and there was a sudden coldness in his voice
that made me shiver, but I honestly couldnt blame him for feeling like that. Still,
the pure hatred I could sense in him as he spoke of his birth mother chilled me to
the bone. And at the same time, it broke my heart.
No child should ever have to feel that way about a parent. In that moment, I got
the feeling Edward hated his mother almost more than he hated James. Thinking
about it, I understood completely. His mother should have been the first to protect
him. Instead she had repeatedly allowed that vicious bastard to hurt him, in the
worst way possible.
I supposed it was only natural that he would wish both of them dead. Frankly, I
felt the same way, even though I had - thankfully - never met either one of them in
person. But as far as I was concerned, by hurting my Edward, those two didnt
deserve to live, period.
Edward... I scooted closer to him, putting my head down to rest on his shoulder.
His arms immediately found their way around me and he let out a shuddering

breath. I tried to choose my next words very carefully. Look, in a way, it does
upset me. But only because I wish you wouldnt have to go through this. Never
feel like you have to hold back your feelings because of me.
He let out a soft sigh, nodding in acceptance. I worried my bottom lip between my
teeth. Yes, I miss my mom a lot. She loved me and she was good to me - she was
sort of my best friend. I was lucky to have her. But I know its different for you.
You have every right to feel like that. Its okay.
A few minutes passed in silence. Then Edward spoke up, softly, Sometimes I
wonder if shes ever thinking about me. Hell, I havent seen her in almost seven
years. Think shes just forgotten all about me? I tried to force myself to speak
around the huge lump in my throat, but my mouth had suddenly lost its ability to
form words. All I could do was hugging him to me, desperately fighting back
tears.
As if sensing that I had a hard time keeping my emotions under control, he went
on without waiting for me to compose myself enough to come up with an answer,
That would just be fucking typical, wouldnt it? I end up damaged for life and she
just conveniently forgets me, moving on with her life like I never fucking existed.
The raw pain in his voice nearly broke me in halves.
Somehow, I managed to find my voice. I dont think she could ever really forget
you, Edward. If anything, she should be sorry for the rest of her life that youre no
longer a part of it. But thats her loss. She doesnt deserve you, and the way I see
it, she lost every right to call herself your mother the first time she let that
monster... I was unable to finish the sentence, but it was okay - he knew what I
meant.
I know. His voice cracked. But Bella, thats just it. I dont fucking get it. So,
she was sick. I know that. But she was on medication for a while, and it was
supposed to make her better. Why didnt she fucking care? A choked sob escaped
him. Why didnt she want me?
I dont know, I whispered in defeat, rubbing my cheek against his and running
my fingers gently through his hair. Im so sorry, baby. I dont know what to tell
you.
He was quiet for a couple of minutes, and when he finally spoke again, his voice
was hoarse, raspy, Thats why I need to see her, Bella. Because I need to know.
Please understand. I just cant go on like this. Its fucking killing me.
I do understand. I swallowed hard. And Ill support you every step of the way,

you know that. But Im not gonna lie, Edward. Im scared of what seeing her will
do to you.
As my confession left my mouth, I could literally feel some of the tension leave
his body. I can handle it, he mumbled. If youll be there with me. My eyes
widened slightly. Did he really want me to be there when he confronted his birth
mother? For a moment, I felt a shiver of apprehension run down my spine. Could
I? Would I be strong enough?
Then I decided it didnt matter. If Edward wanted me there with him, thats where
I would be.
He must have seen my hesitation, because he lowered his eyes. You dont have
to. I didnt mean to make it sound like you dont have a choice. I understand if it
makes you uncomfortable. I just-
No. I cut him off, placing my hand on his arm. Edward, Ill be there. Of course
I will. You just surprised me a little, thats all.
The relief was evident on his face. Thank you. He hesitated a little. I already
talked to Carlisle about this. He knows how to get in touch with her. A pause. I
also asked him to try to find out more about my... about my father. Ive decided I
want to know the truth.
This was a lot of heavy information to take in at once. And yet, all I could think of
was how incredibly happy I was that Edward was willing to share this with me.
That he wasnt pushing me away. And this time, he had opened up to me
voluntarily, without me having to coax his thoughts and feelings out of him.
I gave him a soft smile. Thanks for telling me this. Like I said, Ill be there every
step of the way. Well get through this together. He nodded in agreement, looking
as if a huge weight had just lifted from his shoulders. We talked some more, and it
was obvious that now when he had gotten all this off his chest, he had become a
lot calmer and willing to answer my questions.
Charlie still hadnt come home by the time we got ready to head over to Edwards
house, so I left him a note saying there were leftovers from yesterday in the fridge,
and all he had to do was heating them up in the microwave. Then I grabbed my
cellphone and my jacket, and we were out the door.
About half an hour later, we were all spread out in the living room at the Cullens,
stuffing ourselves with pizza as we were discussing which movie to watch first. Or
actually, Alice and Emmett were arguing, and the rest of us just shaking our heads

and rolling our eyes at them. Both of them were stubborn, refusing to give in. It
was really quite amusing.
The best part was that Edward seemed perfectly relaxed. This was the first time all
six of us had attempted to hang out together, unless you counted having lunch at
school. I had to admit I was a bit wary at first, even though I had been excited and
hopeful all the same. I just didnt want anything to go wrong tonight. But so far,
things were going well.
Forget it, Alice! Emmett declared incredulously. I told you - horror or action.
Theres no way Im gonna watch some lame-ass vampire movie.
Alice scoffed at him. But this is horror! And Kiefer Sutherland is really hot.
Jazz? She turned to her boyfriend for help.
Jasper raised his hands, looking somewhat alarmed. Sorry, darling. I love you, but
youre on your own on this one. Emmett laughed in victory, leaning over to share
a high-five with Jasper, who gave Alice an apologetic look and a peck on the
cheek.
Traitor, Alice muttered, but failed to hold back a smile as Jasper slid his arm
around her shoulders and whispered something in her ear. Emmett made a gagging
sound, resulting in Rosalie smacking him at the back of his head.
Okay, thats it. You two had your chance. Edward reached across the table and
picked up the scattered DVD cases, handing them to me. Bella gets to decide
which movie to watch, he explained matter-of-factly. Nobody objected, and I
beamed at him.
Thanks, baby. I grinned, holding up The Lost Boys. Were watching the vamp
movie. Emmett groaned loudly.
Yes! Alice yelled in triumph and snatched the DVD out of my hand.
Im holding you responsible for this. Emmett pointed at Edward, although there
was no real accusation behind his words. Edward just flipped him off in response,
not looking the least bit upset.
There was a huge bowl of popcorn on the table in front of us and I reached for a
handful. Then I snuggled up in Edwards arms, waiting for the movie to start.
Right now, life was good.

Chapter 96
EPOV
I glanced at Bella who was sitting next to me in the passenger seat, only to find her
watching me with a soft smile on her face. Of course, the moment she realized I
had caught her looking, her cheeks turned crimson. I couldnt help but chuckle she was just so predictable. That, and adorable.
Still not gonna tell me where youre taking me? she asked now, in a not so
subtle attempt of distracting me.
I shook my head in amusement. That would make it less fun, so... no. She
pouted, although the look on her face told me she wasnt really upset.
We were driving in silence for a couple of minutes, until Bella looked out the
window, really taking in the surroundings, and I could see the exact moment
realization hit her by the way her face lit up. Were going to the meadow, arent
we?
I let out a deep sigh of mock irritation. You know, you could at least pretend to be
surprised by my creativity. She gave me an apologetic smile and pretended to zip
her lips closed as I parked the car. I wasnt really annoyed with her, though - I was
just teasing. I would have revealed our destination in an instant, had she genuinely
insisted. But I knew she was merely playing along. She trusted me.
Thats why I wanted tonight to be perfect. And as we made our way through the
forest, I could feel my confidence grow. Bella looked truly happy, even though she
kept stumbling over fallen tree branches and rocks, and I knew she wasnt just
clasping my hand to keep her balance.
Just as we were about to step out into the clearing, I tugged gently on Bellas hand,
causing her to come to a halt. She gave me a questioning look, and I took a deep
breath. Look, Bella, before we... I mean... I rolled my eyes at my sudden
inability to find the words. Can we please agree not to talk about all this other
crap when were here? Just let it go for one night? Please?
Her face softened immediately and she nodded, brushing her lips against mine.
Of course. I smiled in relief, feeling myself relax as I made a silent promise not
to screw things up tonight. I would do anything in my power to make sure Bella

would get to enjoy this date to the fullest.

I had picked her up at her house as usual, only this time I hadnt brought her any
flowers. I had thought about it, but then decided against it. If I brought Bella
flowers every time I took her out, it would be more of a gesture of habit, nothing
special. And I didnt want that.
As for the reason why I had chosen the meadow for our date, I figured I owed
Angela some credit. She was the one who had suggested I should take Bella
someplace where we both would be comfortable, and I honestly couldnt think of
any better place. I had always felt comfortable here, even more so after I started
bringing Bella, and I knew she loved the place. It was perfect.
She smiled widely as I unfolded and spread a large blanket on the ground, telling
her to make herself comfortable. As she obeyed, even going as far as to remove
her shoes, I opened the huge picnic basket Alice and Esme had helped me prepare
earlier today.
Bellas eyes bulged as she watched all the food. I couldnt blame her; the sight was
enough to make my own mouth salivate. There was chicken, sandwiches, potato
chips, cheese and crackers, fruit salad, cupcakes, celery sticks, and different kinds
of sodas. I gave Bella a sheepish look. I hope youre hungry.
Are you kidding? She beamed at me. This is amazing, Edward. I love it.
Im glad. I picked up a cupcake with green frosting and offered it to her. I cant
take the credit for all this, though. Esme made these this morning.
Her eyes twinkled. Didnt anyone ever tell you that youre supposed to have
dinner before you dig into your dessert? I brought the cupcake closer to her face,
and it didnt take long for her to cave in. She closed her eyes and moaned as she
took a small bite. Oh my God, I think Im in cupcake heaven!
That moan... I felt my jeans becoming tighter, and somehow, it didnt bother me.
Much. I shook my head in an attempt to clear it. Then I glanced at Bella again,
only to see her licking some of the frosting from her lips and fingers. My eyes
seemed glued to her soft, pink tongue, and I felt myself growing even harder.
Fuck!
What was she doing to me? And why did I suddenly get images in my head of
Bella using that tongue... on me?

Double fuck!
Was this normal? I hoped to God it was, because otherwise Id be in a whole lot of
trouble. I swallowed hard, forcing myself to look away. Um, Bella... I started,
unable to keep the pleading note out of my voice. She stopped with the cupcake
halfway to her mouth, turning her curious eyes to me. And all I could think of was
telling her to dont mind me and just keep licking. I mean, eating!
Fuck, fuck, fuck!
Is something wrong? There was concern in her voice now. Edward, are you-
I kissed her. It was either that or having a nervous breakdown, only this time, my
past had nothing to do with it.
Or maybe it did. I figured that in a way, it would always come back to my past.
Because if I hadnt been fucked up in the first place, I might have been able to
handle the fact that Bella - just by eating a fucking cupcake - was seriously turning
me on. As it was now, I felt like a fucking pervert.
Youre killing me, love, I gasped before once again catching Bellas lips with
mine. Bella, I dont know whats happening to me, I-
Shh, its okay, she whispered, cutting me off in my ramblings by placing a finger
softly over my mouth. I enjoy being close to you too, baby. I love it when youre
kissing me, touching me, and Ill always want more, as long as youre okay with
it. Theres nothing wrong with that. You cant do anything wrong, because
whatever you want, I want it too.
And just like that - like magic - her soft-spoken words stopped my heart from
accelerating until it would burst out of my chest, and I felt myself relax. How did
she do it? How the hell could she know exactly what I needed to hear?
Come here, Bella murmured now, tugging on my arm until we were both lying
down on the blanket, the food completely forgotten. For a couple of minutes, we
just lay there in silence, cuddling. The sun was peeking out behind the clouds, and
the air was just warm enough. The wind was still, and it made me feel like the
entire meadow was holding its breath, waiting to see what would happen next.
Or maybe that was me.
Then Bella propped herself up on her elbow, looking intently into my eyes. Do
you trust me? she asked in a husky whisper. I could only nod. It was the truth,

though - I trusted her with my life. She bit her lip. Close your eyes? After only a
brief moment of hesitation, I obeyed. Try not to think so hard, baby, she
mumbled, brushing her lips softly over mine. Just feel.
Her hand slid beneath my t-shirt, and I inhaled sharply as her warm hand started
running over my chest in slow, tender circles. It felt so fucking good. Please,
dont stop, I all but begged, reaching out for her blindly and pulling her as close
to me as I possibly could.
Never, she breathed, tucking her head into the crook of my neck as she kept
caressing me.
Then her hand started wandering lower, until it reached the edge of my jeans,
lingering just above the button.
I must have tensed up without even realizing it, because she suddenly pulled back
with a gasp. Im so sorry, I wasnt thinking! I shouldnt have done that. The
regret and shame was evident in her voice.
My eyes snapped open and I grabbed her hand, suddenly afraid she would move
away from me. Im fine, I tried to assure her. You just surprised me.
Bella didnt look convinced. Im moving too fast, she berated herself, her eyes
shining with unshed tears. I just wanted to make you feel good, but Ill slow
down, I promise. Edward, Im really sorry...
Bella, I interrupted her, causing her to fall silent. Taking a deep breath, I then
went on, I know you would never hurt me, love. Dont feel bad. Im okay, see?
No freaking out. I mean it. I offered her a shaky smile, which she tentatively
returned after a moment.
I get it now, I continued, pulling her back into my arms. This - what were
doing - it could never be bad, or wrong, or disgusting. I know that in here, I
carefully placed her hand over my heart, ...but it might take a bit longer for me to
really grasp it in here. I brought her hand up to my temple. Just keep being
patient with me, and I promise to tell you the moment I feel things are going too
fast. Deal?
Her bottom lip trembled once, but she managed a weak smile and a nod. Deal,
she whispered. I love you.
I love you, too. I kissed the top of her head. Bella, will you let me make you
feel good? Her eyes widened slightly at my request. Please? I added hopefully.

OoO
BPOV
I gulped. As much as I wanted to cry out a hell, yes!, I forced myself to remain
calm. Or, as calm as one could possibly get during the circumstances, which
turned out to be pretty close to hyperventilating. Did Edward really just ask me
what I thought he did, or had it only been in my head? Wishful thinking and all?
When I finally dared to look at him again, I could tell by the sudden hint of
uncertainty and fear on his face that I hadnt just been imagining things. I was
relieved beyond words for a second, until I realized with a sinking feeling that my
hesitation clearly made him doubt my willingness to let him do whatever he
wanted, and that he wished he had never brought it up.
Fix it, Bella! Fix it now!
I placed my hand gently on his cheek, forcing him to look at me. Yes, I
whispered. He still looked skeptical, and I hated how his self-esteem was so low
that a part of him, even after all this time, feared that I wouldnt really want him. It
wasnt his fault, and I suspected the self-doubt would always be there on some
level. But that didnt make it any easier to accept.
You surprised me this time, I told him sincerely, all the wile looking him straight
in the eyes and stroking his face. Edward, I know exactly what I want. I want
you, and whatever youre willing to give me. Im just scared Ill push you into
something youre not really ready for.
I watched how some of the tension seemed to leave his body. Bella, he shook his
head, I just told you - if thats the case, Ill let you know. I trust you. Now, I need
you to trust me. Trust that I want this. That I know what Im doing.
I nodded, hypnotized by his emerald eyes. I trust you. I always will.
Good. He smiled sweetly, leaning in to kiss me tenderly, and I failed to hold
back a moan as I eagerly returned the kiss. When he finally pulled back, I wanted
to protest, but it didnt take long for me to realize he had other plans. This okay?
he murmured as he let his hand move slowly up and down my thigh. I nodded
eagerly, closing my eyes.

Then he stopped, and I nearly wept in disappointment. I gave him a worried look,
hoping I wouldnt sound as desperate as I felt. Whats wrong?
Nothing, I just... He hesitated a little, and I could tell he was embarrassed by the
way he refused to meet my eyes. When I said I know what Im doing? That was a
lie. I dont have a fucking clue.
A giggle threatened to bubble up inside me, but somehow, I thankfully managed to
hold it in. Laughing right now would be highly inappropriate, besides, it wasnt
even funny. The truth was, I was just happy. What do you feel like doing? I
asked softly, running my fingers through his hair the way I had come to realize he
loved.
Edward closed his eyes and let out a humming sound. Touching you, he then
responded, quietly.
Then touch me, I breathed, thinking he would never hear me complaining. The
fact that we were outside didnt bother me one bit, if anything, it just made it all
more romantic. The risk of someone coming here and disturb us was slim to none for one thing, no one knew we were here, and I was pretty sure Edward and I were
the only two people who knew of this place.
The sun was shining, and everything was just perfect.
Show me where, Edward mumbled huskily into my ear, and I noted that he no
longer sounded as awkward as he had before. Suddenly he seemed eager. Excited.
Like maybe he still wasnt sure of what to do, but now when he had admitted it, he
wanted me to know that he was willing to learn.
And I was more than willing to teach him. The only problem was, I wasnt exactly
an expert on these things myself. However, I refused to let that little fact put a
damper on my mood. So I took his hand, resolutely placing it on my right breast.
Here, I whispered, glancing at Edward to see his reaction. You can touch me
right here.
I studied his face, looking for any sign of discomfort. Maybe I should have been
embarrassed by my bold move, but for some reason, I couldnt find it in me to
care. Because I wanted this, more than anything. I wanted Edward to feel
comfortable touching my body, which meant it wouldnt do to let my normal
shyness shine through.
His hand had frozen for a brief moment, but once the initial shock had worn off at least that was what I presumed - he started moving his palm over my breast in

slow, gentle circles. At first he added almost no pressure to his touch, practically
letting his hand hover in the air, but after a few minutes had passed, he clearly
became braver.
Edwards face was a mixture of deep concentration and fascination, which made
me feel like both smiling and crying at the same time. In that moment, it was so
painfully obvious that deep down, underneath the walls he had long since built
around himself to keep from getting hurt again, he was really just a normal,
curious teenage boy.
And it was so sad that he didnt even realize it.
Our eyes met, and I felt like I could see directly into his mind - he was wondering
if he was doing it right. As if he could ever do something wrong in the first place. I
let out a soft moaning sound of approval, not trusting my voice to hold if I tried to
speak. He seemed to get the picture, though, seeing how an almost shy smile
appeared on his face.
Can I...? He swallowed visibly. Can I go inside? At first I didnt understand
what he meant - I figured my brain must have stopped functioning for a moment but then I noticed how his hand tentatively moved towards the edge of my shirt,
although he was clearly waiting for my permission.
I nearly pulled the shirt over my head, eager to remove at least one of the
annoying barriers between us, but something made me decide against it. Making
out and fondling - along with some not completely innocent groping - on a blanket
outside in the middle of the afternoon was one thing. But I didnt think either of us
would be ready to get half naked at this point.
Maybe if we were in a bed. I made a mental note to suggest another sleep-over,
real soon.
So I just nodded in response, feeling a shiver of pleasure as Edwards hand slid
under my shirt. His fingers were trembling slightly as they moved across my skin,
carefully exploring my upper body in a way he hadnt done before. The last time,
when he had seen me in my sports bra, it had been more about comfort. Now, I
could see the lust in his eyes.
Then he kissed me, his tongue finding its way into my mouth with determination,
eagerly searching for mine. There was something new and confident about the way
he was kissing me, like he knew exactly what he wanted and was not afraid of
showing it, taking it. I absolutely adored this new side of him.

God, how I wanted him. I wanted more. I felt like I could never get enough of
him.
I had mostly been lying still up until now, allowing him free hands to touch and
explore, but now I had reached the point where I could no longer keep my hands
off him. So I slid my arms around his neck, pulling him gently but firmly as close
to me as he could possibly get without ending up on top of me.
Not that I would have a problem with that...
Edward nuzzled his nose into my hair, letting out a content sigh. For a couple of
minutes, we just lay there, hugging and cuddling. His hand was still under my
shirt, and now he slid the other one in as well, softly caressing my back. I smiled
in pure bliss.
Then he raised a brow, a mischievous look on his face. Was that enough to work
up your appetite, or can I kiss you again? I blinked, having completely forgotten
all about the food. Chicken. Fruit. Esmes delicious, mouth-watering cupcakes.
Now I realized I was starving. Funny how I didnt care.
I gave him a sweet smile. Just kiss me.

Chapter 97
EPOV
Almost a week had passed since I took Bella to the meadow for our date, the
pleasant memories still fresh in my mind, and things were mostly going well. I
dont know how to explain it, but I felt lighter somehow, like a weight had lifted
from my shoulders. Or maybe it was just the relief of no longer constantly having
to struggle with the disturbing and exhausting feeling that the whole fucking world
was against me.
There were days - which seemed to come more and more frequently - when I
barely thought about my past at all, and I almost felt like a normal person. And
then - naturally - there were other times when my demons would catch up with
me, and everything fucking sucked. According to Angela, it was to be expected on
the road towards recovery, but that didnt mean I had to like it.
Bella was there for me through it all, ups and downs, just like she had promised,

and she never ceased to amaze me. I could be a total ass to her - never intentional,
but still - and she would just give me a patient look indicating that she wasnt
pleased with my behavior, and wait for me to come to my senses. I always did.
Then I would apologize profusely, although trying not to beat myself up too much,
because I knew Bella didnt like that. She hated when I was too hard on myself of course, those were her words and not mine, since as always during the
aftermath of my stupidity, I was convinced I deserved to be called every bad name
in the book. I never wanted to hurt my girl.
One thing I had learned over the time was to never keep anything from her. That
wasnt much of a problem these days, though, seeing how I had grown fully
comfortable talking to Bella about whatever might be bothering me. The look of
pure happiness and pride on her face whenever I opened up to her about something
was the greatest reward I could get.
Bella and I were snuggling comfortably on the living room couch, sharing a frozen
pizza while watching some TV show I couldnt remember the name of, when
Carlisle entered the room. He smiled when I looked up, although I could tell by
the look on his face that something was up.
I gave him a suspicious look. Whats wrong? Bella immediately turned her
attention away from the TV, her face a mixture of confusion and concern.
Nothings wrong, Carlisle assured me, but his eyes told me otherwise. Or maybe
I just thought so because I was a skeptic by nature. He cleared his throat.
However, I would like to speak with you when you have a moment - theres
something we need to discuss. But its not urgent. Just let me know when its a
good time for you.
I opened my mouth, but Bella beat me to it, reaching for the remote and turning
the sound of the TV off. Ill just go find Alice, I havent seen her all day. Then
you two can talk.
As much as I appreciated the gesture, it was unnecessary. I put my hand on her
arm to keep her from getting up, shaking my head. No, you can stay. Really,
theres nothing he cant say in front of you. I turned to Carlisle. Its about her,
isnt it? I knew he would understand who I meant by her, there was no need for
me to say the name.
Carlisle looked torn for a moment, his eyes darting between me and Bella. Then he
seemed to make up his mind about something, and nodded. Yes. Are you sure you
want us to do this now? Like I said, it can wait. Id hate to interrupt if the two of

you are in the middle of something. He gestured towards the TV.

Its fine. Just get it over with. I struggled to keep my voice steady, reminding
myself that I was the one who had asked for this in the first place. Bella reached
for my hand, as if sensing my sudden uneasiness, and I gratefully accepted the
comfort of her touch. As always, she seemed to know just what I needed without
me having to say anything out loud.
If Carlisle had been hesitant at first to Bellas presence during our conversation, I
could tell by the way his expression softened that he wouldnt object. It didnt
come as a total surprise to me - he had explained over and over again that he first
and foremost had my best interest in mind and wanted me to be as comfortable as
possible, but it was still nice to get his acceptance of Bella confirmed.
He made his way over to the couch and sat down. Well, first I have some good
news. I spoke to a woman from Social Services named Carmen - apparently, she
has been assigned to replace Victoria. Now, I wouldnt worry about it. She is fully
aware of your upcoming birthday in two weeks, and while shes bound by law to
arrange a personal visit before then, she assured me it will basically just be a
formality. As far as shes concerned, your case is closed.
I blinked in surprise, because I had not seen that coming. Are you saying they
actually took Mrs. Masen off the case? While Carlisle had assured me that I
would never have to see the bitch again, I realized that up until this moment, I
hadnt actually dared to believe he was right. But if he was, it was definitely good
news.
They would have, he told me now. But it turned out she quit on her own
account.
What a coward! Bella exploded next to me, causing both me and Carlisle to
jump at her sudden outburst. She must have known she was out of line, but
instead of taking responsibility for her sick actions, she just conveniently decided
to quit? Stupid bitch! I cant... She stopped herself when she realized we were
staring at her, and her cheeks turned slightly red. Sorry, she mumbled, clearly
embarrassed by her rant.
I couldnt help but chuckle. My Bella was feisty, thats for sure. Carlisle cleared
his throat. Its all right, Bella, I understand how you feel. I have to admit, that
was my first reaction as well.
She bit her lip. And what was your second reaction?

He let out a dry laugh. Pretty much the same as the first. As well as the third,
and... Well, you get the picture. Bella smiled a little and visibly relaxed.
Anyway, he continued, Carmen made a good impression on me. She seemed
like a kind and sympathetic person. I just shrugged, thinking she couldnt
possibly be any worse than Victoria.
So, Carlisle went on after a moments hesitation, That leaves us with the other
thing I wanted to talk to you about. Namely your wish to meet with your... with
Elizabeth.
I didnt realize I was holding my breath until I felt Bella squeeze my hand. Closing
my eyes for a second, I nodded for him to go on.
Remember, son, you dont have to go through with this. You can back out at any
time. He looked me straight in the eyes, and his concern wasnt lost on me. When
I just looked at him expectantly, he sighed. Very well. I havent spoken to
Elizabeth directly, but I have been in contact with her spokesperson. Apparently,
Elizabeth was reluctant to such an arrangement, but-
Are you fucking kidding me?! I cut him off, feeling anger and - strangely
enough - rejection welling up inside me. I jumped up from the couch, ignoring
how Bella reached helplessly for me. She doesnt want to see me? Well, too bad
for her. She fucking owes me this!
I agree. Carlisle slowly got up as well, holding up his hands in a calming
gesture. Edward, I wasnt finished. Are you willing to hear me out? I took a
couple of deep breaths. Then I nodded. He was quiet for a moment, watching me
warily, and then he nodded as well. As I said, she was reluctant at first, but then
she agreed. We have yet to set a date, though, because I wanted you to be a part of
that decision.
Swallowing hard, I nodded in understanding. Hesitating a little, I then slumped
back down on the couch. Bella immediately scooted over to me, placing her hand
soothingly on my knee. I mouthed a sorry, but she just waved me off. Having
watched our interaction in silence, Carlisle then sat down as well. I turned my
attention back to him.
Almost a minute passed before he spoke up again, Its all up to you, son. Of
course, if youre still set on Bella accompanying us, Ill have to discuss the matter
with her father as well. He looked at Bella. Im sure you understand, dear.
She nodded. Yes, of course. Although I know Charlie will be okay with me
going.

Carlisle gave her a soft smile and then turned back to me. Well, Edward, Ill give
you some time to think about it. Let me know when you have decided on a date,
and Ill make all the arrangements for our staying in Chicago.
I opened my mouth to respond, although when his words registered, I froze dead
in my tracks. Wait, what? What do you mean, Chicago? Im not going back
there!
But... I dont... Carlisle stuttered, clearly taken aback. Im sorry, Edward, but I
dont understand. What else did you have in mind? If you dont want to go to
Chicago, then where did you plan on meeting her? I mean, its not like she could
just come to our house.
Why not? I demanded, barely recognizing my own voice. Suddenly the room
had become very cold, and I wrapped my arms around my body. The truth was, the
thought of having to go back to Chicago had never even crossed my mind, and
now I realized I had been both stupid and naive. Still, I wasnt ready to admit it.
Because... Carlisle paused, as if searching his mind for the right words. He
waited until he was certain he had my full attention before he went on, For one
thing, it would be highly inappropriate to ask Elizabeth to come here, and not only
because of the restraining order. Any meeting like this one should always be held
on neutral ground.
I shook my head, stubbornly refusing to give in. Maybe I dont want that. Fuck
the restraining order. Shell have no control over me here. Tears were burning in
my eyes, but I furiously blinked them away.
Edward, shell have no control over you anywhere, Carlisle corrected me in a
firm voice. Youre not going to be alone with her. Well be with you the whole
time, and the minute you decide its enough, well be leaving, period.
Hes right, you know, Bella stated next to me, and I was ashamed to admit I had
almost forgotten she was there. Dont you see? She cant come here - it wouldnt
be safe. Then she would know where you live. She shuddered at the thought.
But I didnt understand her reasoning. So what? She couldnt care less, because
she doesnt give a fuck about me, Bella. I mean nothing to her. Never did. The
whole restraining order crap has been fucking pointless, because she would never
bother to look for me in the first place! She opened her mouth, then closed it
again and silently held out her hand, which I grabbed like a lifeline.

Son... Carlisle started, but I didnt give him a chance to finish.

Well, its true, isnt it? I glared at him, although I wasnt really sure where my
sudden anger was coming from. Lets be honest - whats the worst that could
happen? Think shell go and tell him where to find me? Hes a fucking vegetable!
I was shaking now, and the walls seemed to be closing in on me, but I refused to
give in to the panic.
Instead I struggled to focus on the sensation of Bellas small hand in mine. It
seemed to be working. As if realizing what I was doing, Bella reached out to take
both my hands in hers. Its okay, baby, she whispered, running her thumbs
soothingly over my knuckles. Just calm down.
Im fine, I mumbled, taking a deep breath. The blind fury I had felt just a
moment ago vanished as quickly as it had appeared, and while a part of me was
relieved, it was so beyond frustrating not being able to control my own emotions.
It shouldnt be so fucking difficult. Hell, everyone else was doing it. I turned to
Carlisle, giving him an apologetic look. Im sorry. But I really dont want to go
back there.
I understand. He was quiet for a moment. Well think of something. Maybe...
What about Port Angeles? Bella piped up, glancing at me before turning her
questioning eyes to Carlisle. That has to be far enough from here to be considered
neutral ground, right? If we talked to Angela and explained the situation, Im sure
she wouldnt mind us using her office. It would be private, and maybe she could
even be there as some kind of... she hesitated, not finding the right word.
But Carlisle seemed to understand what she meant. A mediator, he nodded, a
thoughtful look on his face. Its not a bad idea. He looked at me. What do you
think?
I shrugged, thinking quickly. It did seem like an acceptable compromise, at least a
hell of a lot better than going to Chicago. In all honesty, the thought of inviting my
so called mother into our home made me feel nauseous. It was just that I felt safer
here than other place I could think of. But I figured Angelas office would be okay.
That would be all right, I guess, I finally agreed.
Surely I could do this. Right?
About an hour later, Bella and I were up in my room. She couldnt stay too long,
seeing how it was a school night, but I wasnt going to complain. As long as I got
some time alone with her, I was happy. We were currently sitting on the floor,

arguing playfully about music, but I could tell her heart wasnt really into the
discussion.
However, before I got the chance to ask her what was on her mind, she spoke up
softly, Edward, are you absolutely sure about this? Seeing my blank expression,
she clarified, About seeing your mother, I mean. Dont get me wrong - I
promised Id be there for you and I meant it. Im just so afraid you will end up
hurt.
I sighed. Honestly? Its not something Im looking forward to, thats for sure. I
dont really wanna see her, but I need answers, and shes the only one whos got
them. The way I see it, I dont have much of a choice.
She shook her head. Baby, you always have a choice. If you dont... her voice
trailed off as I held up my hand to stop her.
Youre right - I do have a choice. I could just forget about this and keep fooling
myself into thinking it will all just magically disappear someday. But it wont
work, Bella. I realize that now. Ill just end up going insane. It hurts, you know?
Even though I feel okay most of the time these days, its all still there. The pain. I
need to understand why she did it. Otherwise I fear itll never go away. I just want
a normal life, I paused, lowering my eyes, ...with you, I finished.
When I finally looked up, I noticed she had tears in her eyes. Well, thats good
enough for me, she told me quietly, leaning in to rest her head on my shoulder. I
wont ask you that again.
I let out a shaky breath, wrapping my arms around her and pulling her close. You
can ask me something else if you want. I know you must still have a lot of
questions.
I guess. She let out a soft laugh. But right now, I cant think of a thing.
I chuckled. Thats all right. She sighed contentedly, happily snuggling into my
embrace. After a brief moment of silence, I asked, Bella? She made a humming
sound, and I saw that her eyes were closed. Look, theres something... I
hesitated, suddenly feeling a bit embarrassed. Ive been thinking...
About what? She felt so fucking good in my arms - I never wanted to let her go.
I took a deep breath. Actually, its about... Just spit it out! I exhaled, ...sex.
Bella froze for a moment and then her eyes snapped open, revealing a faint hint of

hope. Oh, okay... She swallowed. And...?

The truth was, I had been thinking about sex a lot lately, especially after my talk
with Emmett a few weeks ago. And the more I thought, the more curious I got. I
didnt think I was ready yet, but I started to feel like maybe one of these days, I
would be. At least the thought didnt fill me with dread and panic anymore. If
anything, the idea of sharing something so intimate with Bella made me... excited.
How about that?
I tightened my arms around Bella, burying my face in her hair so she wouldnt see
the way my cheeks flushed. It was cute when Bella blushed, but me? Not so much.
I just felt like an idiot. A few more deep breaths. And then... I think... I want us to
try.
Bella had gone completely still in my arms, and I got the irrational feeling she had
actually forgotten how to breathe.
I raised my head worriedly, forgetting all about my embarrassment. Bella? She
just stared at me, her mouth hanging slightly open.
And then she smiled.

Chapter 98
BPOV
How are you, Bella? Angela leaned back in the chair. You look like you have a
lot on your mind.
I shrugged, giving her a small smile. I guess youre right.
Would you like to tell me about it?
Sure. I hesitated a little, not sure where to start. Things are going pretty well
right now, actually. Edwards doing really good. He seems much happier these
days.
She nodded in understanding. Which makes you happier as well, I take it?

Of course. I felt my smile grow wider. Even if he has his moments, hes so
much more open about it. I mean, he still gets angry and yells from time to time,
but hes not pushing me away anymore. Thats all that matters. Hes talking to me.
Telling me things without me having to ask. You have no idea how good that
feels.
I can imagine. She smiled. Thats what we all want from our partners - for
them to feel comfortable opening up to us. It hasnt been easy for Edward to get to
that point, but he has come a long way. Something in her voice changed as she
went on, As for his temper tantrums, you have to understand its normal. He still
has a lot of pent up anger inside, and its bound to come out one way or another.
I nodded. I get that. Besides, Im used to it by now. I can handle it.
Angela was quiet for a moment. Im sure you can. But its important that youre
being honest about it. If his episodes and outbursts frighten you, you should tell
him so. Youre not doing him any favors by protecting him from how you really
feel.
I bit my lip. I understand. I do. But the truth is, Ive never really been afraid of
Edward. Just afraid for him. Does that make any sense?
Absolutely. There was sympathy in her eyes. Youre a very strong person,
Bella. Not many girls your age would be able to stick around like you have.
Edward is lucky to have you.
Im the lucky one, I protested. And of course Im sticking around. What else
could I do? I love him. Im so in love with Edward that it actually hurts
sometimes. Have you ever felt that way?
Actually, yes. She let out a soft chuckle. My husband, Ben, and I have been
married for almost five years, and I still get the tingles every time I see him.
I blushed. Im sorry, I didnt mean to pry.
You didnt, she assured me. I ask you a lot of personal questions - I dont
blame you for wanting to know a bit more about me. When I managed a smile of
relief, she continued, Now, if you dont mind, I would like to go back to what you
said about being afraid for Edward. You dont like seeing him hurt, which is
perfectly understandable. How do you feel about his decision to confront his birth
mother?
My eyes widened - I had not expected her to come straight out and ask me that, at

least not now. It was, however, something that had been on my mind constantly
over the last couple of days.
Now I sighed. Im not really sure how I feel about it. Im worried, I guess. She
nodded, waiting for me to go on. I shrugged. Weve talked about it, and hes
made it clear that this is something he needs to do. He knows Im concerned, but
that he has my full support. I dont think theres much more I can do.
She watched me thoughtfully. What is it about all of this that worries you the
most?
I thought about it for a moment. Well, its not like I think she will hurt him
physically. As far as I know, she never did. But... I threw my arms up in
frustration. I dont even know this Elizabeth person, but Im so mad at her. How
could she let something so horrible happen to her own child? Shes a heartless
bitch, and Im scared that she wont give Edward the answers hes looking for.
Angela opened her mouth, but I was too wound up at this point to stop and listen
to her. What if it will all be for nothing? Or worse - what if seeing his mother will
set Edward back in the progress hes been making? Im so afraid hes making a
mistake.
I understand your fear, Angela said when I finally paused for air. Tell me
something, Bella. Why do you think Edward is so set on going through with this?
Well... I contemplated her question. He says he needs to understand why she
did what she did, or he wont be able to really move on. Its not that I dont agree
with him, because Ido believe hes right. Im just afraid he doesnt realize how
hard this is going to be for him.
Hm. She tucked some of her hair behind her ear. And what about you, Bella? It
will most likely be very hard for you as well. Does it bother you that Edward
doesnt seem to take your feelings about this under consideration? Do you feel
neglected?
What? I frowned at her. No, of course not. Thats ridiculous.
Is it? I opened my mouth, but she went on, I didnt mean to imply anything - I
merely asked you a question. Just think about it. Your feelings are important,
Bella. Sure, in the end, it will be Edwards decision. But you are there for the
journey as well. A pause. Be honest with yourself now. If Edward asked you to
make the decision for him, whether or not to see his mother, what would you say?

I shook my head, fiercely. I could never make such a decision for him. That
would be wrong.
And Im not suggesting you should. There was a firm note in her voice. But
lets pretend, just for the sake of it. Look into your heart, and tell me how you feel.
What would you tell him?
I... I sighed, wringing my hands in my lap. I would tell him to go through with
it.
Angela nodded in acceptance. Okay. Why?
Because... I raised my head and looked her in the eyes. I like to think it will all
be worth it in the end, if it means hell finally get some peace of mind.
She made a humming sound. But yet you worry. Its only natural to feel that way.
I dont mean to scare you, but chances are you could be right about this
confrontation causing a temporary set-back in Edwards progress. Should it come
to that, you need to remember what you just told me - that it will be worth it in the
end. Dont lose faith. You will both get through this.
I felt my eyes tear up at her words, but managed a weak smile. You sound like
you mean it. I paused. Im glad were going to do this here, in your office.
And I will do whatever I can to help, Angela promised. I knew Carlisle had
discussed the situation with her a few days ago, and she had made it clear that she
was willing to assist in any way she could. There were still some arrangements to
be made, but if everything went according to the plans, this meeting would take
place a little more than three weeks from now.
Angela asked me some more questions, and then we talked a little about school.
She was very easy to talk to, and it hit me again how lucky we were to have found
a therapist who was both competent and sympathetic. I knew Edward was starting
to feel comfortable around her as well, and he definitely didnt warm up to just
anyone.
I briefly considered bringing up the subject of sex, but for some reason, I was too
embarrassed. Maybe the next time.
When Angela announced that it was time to wrap things up and bring Edward in, I
was a bit surprised, because the time seemed to have just flown by since I'd
entered the office. This was the first time in two weeks that Edward and I would
have one of our joint sessions, and not just each speaking to Angela separately.

So, Edward, Angela started when we were both sitting on the couch a moment
later, our hands clasped together. Would you like to tell Bella a little about what
we discussed before?
He glanced at me, the corner of his mouth curling upwards as our eyes met. The
first time I was here, Angela asked me to give her five weeks before deciding
whether or not to keep doing this. The whole therapy thing, I mean. Its been five
weeks today.
I blinked in surprise, because I didnt know about that. Casting a nervous look at
Angela, I then turned back to him. And what have you decided? I asked,
noticing how my voice suddenly trembled. Not that I really expected him to stop
coming here, but still, you just never knew.
Edward must have sensed my sudden uncertainty, because he rolled his eyes and
squeezed my hand. Bella, relax. Im not dropping out if thats what youre
worrying about. Im not that stupid. I let out the breath I had been holding,
smiling in relief, although I felt a bit bad for doubting him, even for a second.
Angela looked pleased, although I figured this was no news to her. I just told
Bella how far you have come since we first started these sessions, and its true.
You should be very proud of yourself. He shrugged, clearly a bit uncomfortable
by the praise. She went on, turning to me, Bella, would you like to tell Edward
anything about our session just now?
Um, okay. I thought for a second. Angela asked me how I feel about your
decision to see Elizabeth.
Oh. Edward looked a little taken aback. Then he looked at Angela. I already
know how she feels about that.
She calmly met his eyes. Tell me.
He sighed. She doesnt like it. She thinks Ill end up hurt. I opened my mouth,
but Angela held up a hand to stop me, nodding for him to go on. Edward glanced
at me again. But shell support me, he finished, stroking the back of my hand
with his thumb.
And can you understand Bellas concern? Angela asked softly, adding, Are you
afraid of getting hurt?
Edward lowered his eyes with a shrug. I do understand, he mumbled. And I

know its going to hurt a fucking lot. My... she cant change what happened, and
nothing shell say will make it okay. And... he stopped, hesitating.
And...? Angela encouraged, gently.
He reluctantly raised his head, and I could see the raw pain in his eyes. Im afraid
shell just tell me I deserved it. I was unable to hold back a gasp, because he
hadnt mentioned this to me before, and hearing him admitting his fear now was
like a knife in the heart.
But somehow, I managed to remain silent as Angela spoke up, Should she say
something like that to you, it merely proves that she still hasnt gotten proper
treatment for her condition. Your fear is understandable, but you need to remember
that Elizabeth was - and may still be - sick. It was never your fault, Edward, and
should anyone ever tell you otherwise, they would be wrong.
He just nodded in response to Angelas statement. I remembered telling Edward
something similar once, and it felt good to hear the same thing coming from a
professional.
Now Angela changed the subject, still directed to Edward. Last week, I asked you
to consider a certain suggestion I made. Do you remember? I watched how he
seemed to tense up for a moment. Then he nodded. Have you discussed it with
Bella?
He threw a look at me. I mentioned it. It took a few seconds before realization
hit me, and I nodded in agreement, recalling Edward telling me briefly about
Angelas wish for him to meet this friend of hers.
Angela gave me a brief smile, turning back to Edward as she continued, May I
ask if you have reached a decision? I turned my curious eyes to Edward, waiting
for his response.
Edward looked torn for a moment. You said I wouldnt have to talk to him. That I
just had to listen. And Bella could be here as well? Angela nodded. He glanced at
me. Would you?
You dont even have to ask, I told him sincerely.
He held my gaze for a couple of seconds, then nodded in acceptance. All right.
Ill do it. Then he frowned, as if he was actually surprised by his answer. I held
back a smile. Angela was right - he really had come a long way, even though he
didnt seem to realize it himself. It was amazing.

Are you two free tomorrow, say around five? Angela asked carefully. I
understand if you need some more time to get used to the idea, and we can always
wait until next week if you want. But he will be here anyway. Its your call.
Edward cast a slightly panicked look in my direction, and I could only shrug
helplessly. I really didnt have any say in this. He let out a sigh. Whatever.
Tomorrows cool.
Okay. Angela paused for a moment. I dont think you will regret this, Edward.
He is a very kind and open young man, and I have a feeling you two will get along
just fine. Besides... she turned to me, I believe it will be good for you to hear
what he has to say as well, Bella. Are you okay with coming back here
tomorrow?
I nodded. Yeah, sure. Thats fine by me. And it was settled.
That night, I invited Alice over, officially to study, although our books stayed
mostly unopened. We were both more in a mood for some girl talk. Of course, it
didnt take long before Edwards name came up, Alice being - as always excitement personified. If I didnt know just how crazy she was about Jasper, I
would almost think she was more engrossed in her brothers relationship than in
her own.
You know, Edwards birthdays coming up, she now reminded me with a wink.
Have you decided yet what to get him?
I suppressed a sigh, because this was something that had been a thorn in my side
for a while now. The answer was no, I hadnt decided, and I felt like I wasnt
getting any closer to a revelation. I had always found it difficult to come up with
ideas for birthday presents, and this time I couldnt get away with a stupid tie, or
some flowers, because this was Edward, who just happened to be the love of my
life.
It had to be something special, something meaningful. Right now, I was at a total
loss. And the fact that Edward seemed completely indifferent to the whole thing
didnt exactly help. As I was starting to become desperate, I gave Alice a hopeful
look. Honestly, I have no idea. Any suggestions?
Hmm... She looked thoughtful for a moment. Im not sure. There has to be a
thought behind it, though. You want to give him something that shows him how
much he means to you.

I nodded impatiently, because I had already come to that conclusion myself. Well,
it has to be something good. I feel like Im running out of time here, Alice. I
paused. I was thinking, maybe instead of buying something, I could just... do
something.
She gave me a skeptical look. You mean like make something yourself?
No. I sighed in frustration. Or maybe. I dont know. I see it all in my head, you
know, how Im coming up with this perfect, grand gesture that just screams
Edward, I love you. I grimaced. I just havent figured out what it would be.
Spell it out in skywriting? Alice suggested, giggling when she saw the
unimpressed look on my face. Just kidding. That would be a little too extreme,
even for me. Despite her words, she got something distant in her eyes, and I got
the feeling Jasper might be in for a big surprise on his next birthday.
I shook my head in amusement. Serious suggestions only, please.
Well, your idea sounds really good. In theory. Alice gave me an apologetic look.
Listen, I dont mean to be a downer and point out the flaws in your plan, but...
She brushed a strand of hair out of her eyes. Dont you already tell Edward how
much you love him all the time?
I pouted. Youre not helping, you know. She just shrugged and smiled. Hey,
how did your family celebrate Edwards birthday last year? I asked after a
moment, realizing I didnt know anything about his previous birthdays. His
obvious lack of interest in this one told me he didnt like to make a big deal about
it. I could relate to that.
The way Alices smile faded a little confirmed my suspicions. To be honest, there
wasnt much of a celebration, she admitted. Esme has always gone over the top
and baked a huge birthday cake and cooked an amazing dinner, but Edward... She
glanced at me, I mean, its not like hes ever acted ungrateful, but hes never
really been comfortable taking part in any kind of family gatherings. You know?
I nodded, because I did know. Or at least I could imagine. Maybe this year will be
different, I offered in a hopeful voice.
Oh, I know it will be, she assured me, the confident smile back on her face.
Trust me, I know what Im talking about. She winked, and I could only hope she
was right. Then her expression turned serious. Bella, dont fret so much about
finding the perfect gift. Whatever you give him, he will love it, just because its
from you. Youre the best thing that ever happened to him.

My cheeks flushed. Thanks, Alice. I smiled sadly to myself. Too bad I couldnt
just give Edward myself, all over again.
Or maybe I could.

Chapter 99
EPOV
It was with mixed emotions that I returned to Angelas office the next day, Bella in
tow. Carlisle had once warned me that facing my past would be like opening
Pandoras box, and I was starting to see it. I agreed to things these days that I
never wouldve even considered before, and while I realized it was necessary, it
also scared the shit out of me.
Angela kept going on about how I should be proud of myself, but I just couldnt
see it that way. I wasnt acting out of bravery, I had just hit the point where I could
see there were no other options. I did it because I had to, or I would end up insane,
lost forever. Simple as that.
Of course, when Bella gave me a soft smile of understanding and squeezed my
hand, it was surprisingly easy to forget - or at the very least, ignore - how torn up
inside I really was. I took a deep breath, and prayed that my voice wouldnt crack.
Lets do this. I nodded towards the door, leading into the office.
Itll be okay, she assured me, and I wished I could believe her. I didnt know
what to expect once I stepped through that door, and I always dreaded the
unknown. Anything could happen.
I pushed the door open, only to freeze in the doorway. The truth was, it wasnt
even the thought of meeting this stranger that bothered me so much. Things were
just going so fast, spiraling out of control, or at least thats how it felt. I barely felt
Bellas arm slip around my waist - in that moment, it took just about every ounce
of strength I possessed not to turn around and bolt.
If I did, I just knew I wouldnt come back.
Edward. Bella. Please, come in. Angela was sitting behind her desk. I could hear
the faint sound of piano playing in the background, just like the day I was here for

my first session, only this time, it did nothing to calm my nerves. She rose from
the chair when she saw my hesitation to enter, and thats when I realized she was
alone in the room.
Briefly closing my eyes, I then stepped inside. I thought I could hear Bella letting
out a sigh of relief next to me, but I wasnt sure.
Im glad you could make it, Angela said once we were all seated, and for a
moment I wondered if she was surprised I hadnt panicked and canceled.
However, something in her voice told me otherwise - she knew I would be here.
She obviously had more faith in me than I had. I wasnt sure how I felt about that.
Yeah, whatever, I muttered. As always when I felt nervous and uncertain, I
automatically became defensive. I could feel Bellas eyes on me, but I ignored her,
knowing that if I looked at her, I would see either sympathy or disapproval, and I
didnt know what would be worse.
It was all so fucking confusing, and I wished I had a way of putting my mixed up
emotions into words, explain exactly how I felt in that moment. I didnt want Bella
to worry and be concerned about me, but at the same time, I was beyond grateful
that she cared. Especially since I didnt deserve it. Or did I? I felt like my head
was spinning.
Edward, would you tell us what youre thinking right now? Angela asked softly,
and I suppressed the urge to roll my eyes. Of course she would see right through
me.
I just shrugged, avoiding her eyes. When she remained silent, I realized she was
waiting for a verbal response. This time, I did roll my eyes. I dont know.
Angela clearly wasnt about to just let the matter drop, not that I had expected her
to. You dont know what youre thinking, or you dont know if you want to tell
us?
I stubbornly kept my eyes away. Both, I finally admitted. I knew she waited for
me to elaborate, but I didnt know how. I sighed in defeat. I dont know what the
fuck you want me to say.
Forget what you think I want, and just look into yourself, Angela insisted
calmly. Whats the first thought that comes to your mind? I just shook my head.
Bella spoke up, carefully, Can I say something?

Of course. Angela gave her an encouraging nod. In that moment, I was just
happy for the distraction. I needed a few seconds to gather my thoughts, because
there was no doubt in my mind that Angelas attention would sooner or later return
to me.
Well, I know Im here today mainly to support Edward. Bella glanced in my
direction, and I found myself raising my head and meeting her eyes. She went on,
somewhat tentatively, But Im kind of nervous. And I feel a bit bad about it,
because this shouldnt be about me.
Angela nodded in understanding. I can see what you mean. But Bella, remember
when we talked about how your feelings are important? You are fully entitled to be
nervous, or worried, or even scared. Bella bit her lip, then nodded, although she
didnt look convinced.
Why are you nervous? The words were out of my mouth before I realized I had
spoken.
Bella shifted a little on the couch. Im not sure, exactly. I just am. I know that
doesnt make much sense, but... she shrugged, obviously unsure of how to
explain. I knew exactly how she felt.
Sometimes the mind works in mysterious ways. Angela looked between me and
Bella. You both have a hard time putting words to your feelings about being here
today. It makes you uncomfortable. Thats understandable, but admitting your fear
is the first step towards understanding it. And once you understand, it usually turns
out to be a lot less frightening than it seemed to be in the beginning.
Maybe she was right. For some reason, I suddenly felt a bit better.
So, Angela went on after a short moment of silence, clapping her hands together.
Are you two ready to meet Sam?
I frowned as it hit me that up until now, I hadnt even known the name of this
person we were here to meet. Casting a quick look at Bella, I then nodded. Angela
got up and made her way over to her desk, pushed a button and spoke into the
intercom, Send him in, please.
When I realized how hard I was squeezing Bellas hand, I inhaled deeply and tried
to relax, for Bellas sake if not for my own. But if I had caused her any pain, she
didnt show any sign of discomfort. I was hit by the horrifying thought that I could
have accidentally broken the fragile bones inside her hand, and it wouldnt even
occur to her to complain.

I abruptly pulled away from her, forcing myself to ignore the look of hurt and
confusion on Bellas face. Instead I placed my trembling hand on her knee, which
thankfully seemed to placate her. I didnt have any time to think about it further,
because in that moment, the door opened, revealing a man standing in the
doorway.
Angela gestured for him to enter. Come on in, Sam. Id like you to meet Edward
and Bella. As the man - Sam - obeyed, quietly stepping into the room, I took in
his appearance. He was tall and muscular with dark, almost black, cropped hair,
and copper skin. I figured he must be in his late twenties.
He stopped at the far side of the room, making no attempts of approaching us,
although he kept his eyes calmly on me and Bella. Then he nodded in greeting and
finally spoke up in a deep voice, Hello, Edward. Bella. Im Sam Uley. Its nice to
meet you.
Bella mouthed a hi and offered him a small smile, while I remained silent. I
wasnt deliberately trying to be rude, but friend of Angelas or not, this man was
still a stranger. And even though he had yet to give out any bad or threatening
vibes, I had no idea what to expect from him. Which meant that I would stay on
guard for the time being.
When the introductions had been made, Sam sat down on a chair across the room.
Angela gave him an encouraging smile. Sam, why dont you tell Edward and
Bella a little about yourself?
Right. He nodded in agreement before turning back to us. Well, Im twenty-six
years old, and I was born into the Quileute tribe. I was raised at the reservation
down at La Push. You know where that is? Bella nodded immediately. I just kept
watching him silently, waiting for him to go on, as I was still not sure what to
make of him.
After a few seconds, he did. My father abandoned us when I was two years old,
and my mother never got over it. But I never really missed him, or if I did, I didnt
know it. I was so young when he left, and besides, the tribe was our family. There
were always people around.
Bella smiled. That sounds really nice. I always wanted a big family, with lots of
brothers and sisters.
Yeah, I suppose sometimes it can be nice. Sams eyes met mine for a brief
moment, and then he looked directly at Bella. When he spoke again, something in

his voice changed. And sometimes, it can be a curse. Bellas smile faded.
What do you mean? she asked quietly, sounding like she - deep down - already
knew where this was going. I had a sinking feeling as well.
Sam cleared his throat. I was eleven when it all started, and one of the youngest
kids in the tribe, so naturally, I was flattered when the older boys started paying
me more attention. Lets just say they didnt have to work very hard to persuade
me into joining their... games. There was something about the way he said the
word games that made me shiver.
Did they...? I started, speaking for the first time since Sam had entered the room,
only to find that I couldnt finish the question. But it turned out I didnt have to.
Yes, Sam responded, looking me right in the eyes. More times than I can
remember. I found myself unable to look away.
Tell me what youre thinking, Edward, Angela prompted, but I shook my head.
Right now, I wanted to avoid thinking if I could.
I was starting to feel sick.
They never even had to come look for me, because I went back there, every
time, Sam continued now, thankfully taking Angelas attention away from me, if
only for a moment. And in the end, when my mother found out by accident what
was going on, they all got away with it by insisting I had been in on it all along. In
a way, they were right.
I could see Bellas bottom lip tremble. But you were just a little boy. You couldnt
possibly know what... her voice trailed off.
He shook his head. I knew enough to realize what they were doing was wrong,
and shameful. But they said I wanted it. Who was I to speak up against them? I
was just a kid, a nobody.
Thats horrible, Bella whispered, her eyes wide with disbelief. I just dont
understand. You said you went back there. Why would you do that?
Id like to say I didnt have any choice, but then she would just scold me, telling
me how you always have a choice in life. Sam nodded towards Angela with a
chuckle. Seriously, Ive been asking myself the same question, many times over
the years. The best I can come up with is that I was scared of being disowned. The
tribe was all I had. I told myself that as long as I did what they asked of me, I was

safe.
I could feel both Bellas and Angelas eyes on me, and knew they were waiting for
some kind of reaction from me. But my mind was just blank.
I never understood the concept of the word rape until she pointed it out to me,
Sam explained, once again gesturing to Angela. And I didnt realize just how
damaged I had become, until... he stopped, closing his eyes for a moment.
I found myself being curious against my will. Until... what?
He smiled, but there was something distant in his eyes. Well, I met a girl. Emily.
We hit it off right away, but I couldnt bring myself to tell her what had happened
to me. I was too ashamed, I guess, and fooled myself into thinking my past didnt
matter. I was wrong. You see, I had a problem with my temper. It didnt take much
for me to explode, and back then, I didnt see the connection. One day, I hurt
Emily.
I didnt want to hear anymore. Yet I remained where I was. Somehow, I knew
where this was going.
If possible, Bella scooted even closer to me, clasping my hand tightly in hers.
When you say hurt, do you mean like... hurt her feelings, or...?
I wish. Sam let out a bitter laugh. She didnt even do anything - she just
happened to get in my way. I dont remember hitting her, but now I have to look at
her scarred face everyday, and know that Im the one who did that to her. He
paused. I was wearing a ring. An ugly thing, shaped like a wolf. It was silver,
with sharp edges. I threw it away the next day, but the damage was already done.
Edward, look at me. Youre okay, baby. Just come back to me. Bellas voice
sounded low and muffled, like she was very far away, and I struggled to get
through the fog. When I opened my eyes, I realized I was huddling on the floor
with my back pressed against the wall, as if trying to disappear into it. I blinked in
confusion, because I could barely remembered the last time Id had an episode like
this.
As I looked around the room, I noticed Angela over by the other side of the room,
talking quietly to Sam. Neither of them were looking in my direction, for which I
was grateful. Bella was kneeling next to me on the floor, her arms wrapped
securely around me as she was mumbling soothingly into my ear.
Letting out a shuddering breath, I gently but firmly pushed her away. Im okay, I

croaked, praying that she would understand that I needed to keep some distance
between us right now. As much as I longed for her comfort and craved her touch, I
couldnt get the sickening images of me hurting Bella out of my head. I knew it
had never happened, but it could have. Hell, I had hurt others.
We can leave if you want, Bella whispered now, glancing over her shoulder. If
this is too much, just-
I dont want to hurt you, I cut her off, cringing at the desperate note in my voice.
Bella opened her mouth, then closed it again, and I could see the exact moment
realization hit her.
Then - to my surprise - she looked almost angry. You havent, she hissed, gently
grabbing my chin and forcing me to look at her. And you wont. I dont want to
hear you talk like this - like I should just back off and let you keep torturing
yourself over something that will never happen.
A part of me wanted to keep arguing with her, but I decided against it. Instead I
just shrugged. Maybe I was being irrational. It wouldnt be the first time. But still.
I knew Bella was trying to understand me, she genuinely wanted to understand,
but she couldnt. Not completely.
Could we have a moment? Sam asked suddenly, causing me to look up.
It didnt occur to me that he meant just the two of us until I heard Angelas
response, That would be up to Edward.
If I was taken aback, then so was Bella. No! she cried out incredulously, and
then blushed. Im sorry, but I dont think thats a good idea, she added, moving
closer to me and placing her hand protectively on my knee.
I didnt like when Bella made decisions for me, or spoke for me, but I didnt have
the heart to get upset with her. It wasnt like she was deliberately trying to walk
over me - she was just acting impulsively, out of love. I would probably have
reacted the same way. Glancing at Sam, I then sighed. Its okay, love.
But... Bella looked skeptical. Are you sure? I mean, you dont have to...
I know. Taking a deep breath, I then scrambled to my feet, offering Bella my
hand to help her up. She took it without hesitation, although she didnt let go once
we were off the floor. It made me love her even more.
Bella and I will be waiting just outside, Angela assured me, and I nodded in

acceptance.
I could see that Bella was still reluctant to leave me, so I rubbed her back and gave
her a smile I hoped would be encouraging. Ill be okay. See you in a moment.
She bit her lip, and I knew she wanted to object, but she nodded, brushed her lips
tenderly against my cheek, and whispered a soft I love you. Then she slowly
followed Angela out the door.
It was just me and Sam left in the office, but strangely enough, I didnt feel
anxious or threatened in any way. Maybe because I had seen the look in his eyes. I
instinctively knew that I had nothing to fear from this guy. If anything, his pain
was as great as mine, only he seemed to have learned how to handle it.
And suddenly, I couldnt wait to find out how.

Chapter 100
EPOV
I didnt mean to upset you, Sam told me apologetically as soon as Bella and
Angela had left the room, a knowing expression on his face. You saw it happen to
you, didnt you? Hurting your girlfriend?
I was both shocked and embarrassed that he could obviously read me so well.
How did you know? I muttered.
He was quiet for a moment. I guess I see a lot of myself in you. But theres a big
difference between us. Unlike me, you didnt wait to get help until it was already
too late.
What do you mean? I was confused, because Sam seemed to have come a lot
farther than I ever could. For one thing, I didnt think I would ever be able to talk
about my past as casually as he did, especially not with a complete stranger. And I
had a feeling I was not the first person he had opened up to like this.
I have to live with what I did to Emily, Sam explained, looking me right in the
eyes. Its not possible to escape your past. If I had just realized that a little sooner,
she wouldnt have gotten hurt by my hand. She may have forgiven me, but I will
never be able to forgive myself.

What happened? I couldnt suppress my curiosity. Did she find out why
you...?
Well, I told her everything. Sam sighed. She amazed me by being more upset
for me than about the fact that her face was damaged beyond repair. I tried to make
her see that I didnt deserve her sympathy after what I did, but she didnt agree.
She even said she still loved me. He paused. I left her. It was for the best, but it
was the hardest thing Ive ever done. I couldnt trust myself around her, and she
shouldnt either.
Oh. I felt a lump in my throat, knowing I wouldve done the same thing, even
though walking away from Bella wouldve killed me. She was the light in my life,
hell, she was my life. But I still wouldve done it to keep her safe. I could only
pray to God it would never come to that. How did you survive? I asked without
thinking.
He let out a dry laugh. Surviving doesnt necessarily mean the same as living. I
was in a really bad place for a while. Did a lot of stupid things, like getting drunk
and hooking up with random girls at bars and clubs I shouldnt even be able to get
in to. But there was never any problem. I would... he stopped himself, shaking his
head. Are you sure you want to hear the rest? Its not pretty.
I wasnt sure at all, but at the same time, I was intrigued. So I just nodded for him
to go on.
A sigh escaped him and I could see his eyes darken. The girls I mentioned? Or I
suppose they were more women than girls, really. Well, I slept with them. All of
them. Sex became like a drug to me - I just couldnt get enough. And you know
what the really sad part was? I didnt even enjoy it.
My eyes widened in shock and I stared at him, not sure I had understood him
correctly. But the look of shame on his face told me otherwise. I swallowed hard,
willing the nausea to stay away. How could you do that? I whispered hoarsely.
I know it was wrong, and Im not proud of it. The guilt was evident in his voice.
But technically, I didnt use any of them, at least thats what I told myself. They
were all older than me, and unlike me, they knew what they were doing. He let
out a snort of disgust. I bet they got more out of it than I did.
Even though he was clearly deeply ashamed of his behavior, Sam never averted
his eyes, which I had to admire. However, he had misunderstood my question.
No, I meant... I searched my mind for the right words. Literally, how could you

do it? How could you... I swallowed hard, ...have sex with someone, after
what... I couldnt finish the sentence.
Oh. I could see understanding dawning on him. Honestly? I didnt think of it
like that. To me, it was never really about the sex in the first place. It was more
about control. I opened my mouth, but he hurried to clarify, And by that, I mean
being in control of myself. I just needed to feel that I was making my own
decisions. A pause. Even if they werethe wrong ones.
I took a moment to contemplate his words. A part of me couldnt believe I had just
asked a stranger about his sex life. But for some reason, even though I had just met
him, Sam didnt feel like a stranger to me. Taking a deep breath, I then blurted out,
Six months ago, I couldnt stand anyone touching me.
He nodded in understanding. And what changed?
I couldnt stop the smile from spreading on my face. I met a girl.
Ah. He smiled as well. Bella. She seems really great. I mean, I dont know her,
but I can tell she cares a lot about you.
Suddenly I felt bad for him. Im sorry about Emily. Have you...? I stopped,
hesitating. I had been about to ask if he had been seeing anyone else, but
somehow, it seemed like an inappropriate question, even more so than asking him
about sex. Maybe because I had seen the look on his face every time Emilys name
came up. She had obviously been to him what Bella was to me.
The love of his life.
He shrugged. It took a while, but I finally realized its pointless to dwell on the
past. I cant change what happened. I can only learn from my mistakes and try to
move on. He paused for a moment. Look, Edward, I dont know your story. Im
not going to ask, because its not my place. But let me tell you this. Theres no
shame in asking for help. And never be too proud to accept it.
I just watched him quietly. He went on, Angela saved my life. She made me see
what I was doing to myself, and she gave me the strength and courage to start
over. Of course, she wont take any credit for it, but I know I have her to thank for
being alive today. You see, theres a lot more to my story than what Ive told you.
But you dont need to hear the rest of it. It would only give you nightmares.
Dont need anymore than I already have, I muttered in agreement. Then I
glanced at him, hoping my next question wouldnt offend him. Why are you

doing this? I mean, why are you here, telling me all this? You dont owe me
anything. Hell, you dont even know me.
True. Sam got a thoughtful look on his face. The first time I stood in front of a
group of people, about to share the story of my life, I didnt think Id be able to do
it. But somehow, I managed, and every time, it gets a bit easier. It may sound
weird, but it gives me satisfaction in a way, knowing that by talking about what
happened to me, I might actually help someone else. And thatll make it all worth
it.
I had never thought of it that way. Still, I was absolutely certain I would never be
able to do what he did. So you do this a lot, then?
Depends on what you mean by a lot. Sam shrugged. It gives my life a meaning,
and it helps me to deal with what happened. Its also my way of trying to make
amends, make up for what I did to Emily. If telling my story only helps one
person, then Im doing something right. He shook his head. Emily keeps telling
me on a daily basis how brave I am. But its not about bravery. Its about doing
whats right.
I nodded absently, because I could see what he meant. Then something he said
registered, and I gave him a look of confusion. Wait. You and Emily still talk?
Now he grinned. Weve been married for almost five years.
Really? I blinked in surprise. But you said you left her. I thought...
His smile faded a little. I had to. But I never stopped loving her. And by some
miracle, my feelings for her are mutual. As soon as she found out I was serious
about getting help, she came to see me, and we talked. I told her I couldnt be with
her at the time, that I needed some space, and she said she understood. Then she
promised she would wait for me. And she did.
Wow. I really didnt know what else to say.
The smile was back on his face as he went on, In about two months, well be
having our first child. Emily is seven months pregnant.
My eyes widened slightly, but I remained silent as I took in this new information.
In all honesty, the thought of someday getting married and having kids had never
even crossed my mind. Probably because I did my best to avoid thinking of the
future. It seemed so uncertain, so fragile. You never knew what could happen.

But now when Sam had brought it up, I couldnt deny the fact that a future without
Bella wouldnt be much of a future at all. I wanted to be with her until the day I
would take my last breath, and even then, it didnt seem enough. I wanted forever.
Would Bella want that too? Did she want a family someday? Probably. I
swallowed hard, but the lump in my throat wouldnt go away. Was this something
we should be talking about?
Then I nearly laughed, but there was no humor involved, only bitterness. Not only
would I have to fret about being a lousy father, seeing how I could barely take care
of myself, but there was also that other little detail - to have children, you would
have to be able to have sex.
At the back of my mind, a little voice told me I was getting way ahead of things.
Bella and I were only seventeen, for fucks sake. I didnt have to worry about this
for years.
But the problem was the same as usual - once I had started thinking, it was very
hard to stop.
Look, I dont mean to freak you out with all this. Sam was suddenly dead
serious. I still doubt myself from time to time, and I know I will never completely
get over what happened to me. But I refuse to let my fear get control of me. I cant
change my past, but my future isnt set in stone, and neither is yours. Its up to us
to make the best out of the time we have left.
He made it sound so simple. Funny how it all made perfect sense to me. I
wondered if I would feel the same once I had left this room.
Here, take this. Sam reached into his pocket and pulled out a small, white card.
Hesitating only briefly, I then took it from him, giving him a questioning look. He
explained, Its my phone numbers, both to my house and to my cell phone. If you
ever have any questions, or just want to talk, just give me a call.
A wave of gratitude welled up inside me. I wasnt sure if I would ever take him up
on his offer, but nevertheless, his selfless gesture meant a lot to me. He didnt have
to do this. I nodded in acknowledgment and managed to mumble a thanks.
I really had gotten a lot to think about, as if I didnt have enough going through
my head as it was. But still, I felt lighter somehow. That was when it hit me that I
had done the right thing, coming here today. Despite my reluctance at first,
listening to Sams story had actually helped.

When Angela and Bella returned, a couple of minutes later, I felt surprisingly
calm, considering the circumstances. Bella hurried over to me, and I immediately
pulled her into my arms. She was smiling, although I could see a hint of concern in
her eyes. I assured her I was fine and that we would talk later.
The drive back to Forks was quick and uneventful. As much as I wanted to spend
the rest of the night with Bella, we both had homework to do, and I reluctantly
dropped her off at her house, with the promise to call her before I went to bed. I
knew I would also see her again the next day, but that didnt stop me from missing
her even before she was out of my sight.
I took comfort in the fact that - judging by the way she pouted when she
eventually had to pull back from the passionate kiss I gave her after walking her to
the door - Bella felt exactly the same way.
Once I got home, I found Alice and Emmett in the kitchen helping Esme, washing
dishes and cleaning up after dinner. Esme looked up and smiled when she saw me.
Hi, Edward. Theres food left if youre hungry. Im sorry we didnt wait for you,
but we didnt know if youd be eating with Bella in Port Angeles before coming
home.
Thats fine. I waved off her apology, heading straight for the fridge. Whenever I
was nervous or anxious about something, I found myself having a hard time
eating, so naturally, I had barely eaten anything today, and now I was famished. I
quickly made myself a sandwich and grabbed a soda before making my way over
to the table.
I got to eat in a blissful silence for about two minutes before Alice wiped her
hands and put the dish towel back on the hanger. Then she cleared her throat as she
lingered by the kitchen sink. So, um, how did things go today?
Oh, come on, Alice, Emmett scolded, sounding incredulous. Give the guy a
chance to eat! But I could see the curiosity burning in his eyes, knowing he was
dying to know as well. Esme reprimanded both of them, although there was no
anger in her voice, and I suspected that if Alice hadnt asked, she would have.
I rolled my eyes at their lame attempts of being subtle. Things went fine. Can we
just leave it at that? I took a sip of my soda, hoping they would let it go. To my
relief, they all nodded in acceptance, even though I could tell they were a bit
disappointed. Honestly, I didnt understand why, seeing how I rarely discussed
what went on during my sessions with any of them.
Look, I just... I started, but Esme waved me off.

Its okay, sweetie, we understand. She patted my arm gently as she walked past
me and sat down across the table. Lets talk about something else. Like, for
example... what were going to do next Saturday. There was a hint of excitement
in her voice, although I knew she was trying to act casual.
I had to hold back a groan, because there was no doubt in my mind what was
coming next. I was right.
Oh! Alice started bouncing up and down, clapping her hands. I gave her a
warning look, which she chose to ignore completely, just like I knew she would.
I really hated celebrating my birthday, and they all knew it by now. But I figured
they were hoping I would be a little more positive this year. Well, too bad, because
I wasnt. Esme, I dont-
Just hear me out, please, she cut me off, almost pleadingly. I know how you
feel about these things, but Edward, this is not just any birthday. Youll be turning
eighteen. Besides, Im not talking about throwing a huge party or anything - you
know us better than that. Just a nice dinner with the family, and Bella, of course.
Will you please let us do this for you?
In a way, I supposed I should be happy she was asking for my permission this year
- normally I didnt have any say in the matter. There would be cake and presents,
whether I wanted it or not. It wasnt that I was ungrateful or anything, but I had
always felt like they got me way more than I deserved, and it just made me
uncomfortable.
I sighed in defeat. Fine.
Esmes face lit up, and I realized this meant a lot to her. All these years, I had been
convinced she was only acting out of obligation, but it was starting to hit me that I
had been wrong. Trying to push the guilt to the side, I glanced at Alice and
Emmett, who had yet to make any comments. Um, if you guys wanna invite
Jasper and Rosalie... I shrugged, leaving the rest of the sentence hanging.
They both stared at me like I had just sprouted horns or something. Then Alice
smiled, so widely I was afraid it would split her face in two. Really?! she
squealed, her voice at least an octave higher than normal.
Are you sure? Emmett asked skeptically, although the hope was evident on his
face. I could only nod, because now I really felt like shit.

It was becoming clear to me that it hadnt even occurred to them to ask - they had
just assumed I wouldnt want Jasper and Rosalie around for my birthday, which
suddenly bothered me more than I liked to admit. It shouldnt be like that. They
were important to Alice and Emmett, just like Bella was to me.
In that moment, I made my decision. This year would be different. For once, I
would actually make an effort to show them all that I appreciated them.
Really, how hard could it be?

Chapter 101
BPOV
Over the last couple of days, I noticed a slight change in Edwards behavior. I
wasnt all that worried, though, because while he appeared to be somewhat distant
and distracted, I wouldnt say he seemed upset. A lot had happened lately, and I
knew there had to be a lot for his mind to process. So I did my best to show him
my support without smothering him, which turned out to be quite a challenge for
me.
It had never been my intention to come on too strong with my love and concern
for him, but I suspected that - while he wouldnt say anything out loud - I
sometimes got on Edwards nerves. So I tried to take a step back every once in a
while, even though it wasnt easy, and give him a chance to actually tell me what
he needed.
With only a few weeks left of the semester, the school year was coming to an end,
and the biggest topic at Forks High was without doubt the prom. Everybody was
going, or so it seemed, but I honestly couldnt care less. In fact, I couldnt wait for
it to be over, certain that my ears would start bleeding if I heard one more word
about it.
I had known all along that Edward wouldnt be comfortable at such an event,
seeing how he couldnt stand crowded places, and it suited me perfectly, because
A) I couldnt dance to save my life, and B) the idea of spending all that money on
a dress I would never wear again seemed like a total waste to me, especially since
I would most likely hide in a corner all night.
So, naturally, it had come as a total shock to me when Edward had brought it up.

If you really want, we can go, Edward mumbled, although he seemed to have a
hard time to get the words out, and he wouldnt meet my eyes. His entire body
seemed to be screaming in protest, and I had a feeling he would rather spend the
entire night walking on broken glass.
In all honesty, so would I. I just didnt understand what all the fuss was about. The
prom may be a big deal to most people, but not to me. It seemed more like a
nightmare than anything else.
Absolutely not, I told him firmly, giving him a look that indicated he was crazy
for even suggesting it in the first place. He opened his mouth, but I held up a hand
to stop him. I mean it, Edward. Seriously, prom is so not my idea of fun. I mean,
Id love to do something else with you that night, just the two of us, but come on!
You didnt really expect me to say yes, did you?
I watched some color return to his ashen face, and his relief was so obvious that I
would have found it amusing, had I not known just how hard this had to be for
him. I knew the mere thought of going to prom terrified him, and yet he had
offered, just because he didnt want me to miss out on anything.
Even if I had wanted to go - which I didnt - I could never do that to him.
You sure? he asked, trying to sound casual, but failing miserably. When I
nodded, willing him to see the sincerity in my eyes, he let out the breath he had
been holding. Thank God! he muttered to himself, pulling me into his arms and
buried his face in my hair. I rolled my eyes and just enjoyed the feeling of his arms
around me. Who needed prom, anyway?
I knew Alice was a bit disappointed, having probably hoped the four of us would
be going together, but she also understood, and thankfully didnt give us a hard
time about it. Charlie, on the other hand, had seemed a little concerned at first, and
there had been an awkward moment for both of us when he tried to initiate another
father/daughter talk.
Luckily, I quickly managed to convince him that Edward hadnt hurt my feelings
by not asking me. As much as he liked Edward, I had reluctantly come to accept
the fact that my dad would always, deep down, see me as his little girl. It was
something I would just have to learn to live with.
The days before Edwards birthday seemed to fly and drag by at the same time,

and I was both nervous and excited when the big day was finally here. We hadnt
really talked about it much, mostly because Edward seemed to change the subject
whenever I tried to bring it up, and I knew it was a sensitive topic for him. He
didnt know it yet, but I vowed to make this day his best birthday ever.
Edward knew I was coming to dinner, but what he didnt know was that I was
going to spend the night at his house. It had been Alices idea to keep it a secret,
and I thought it would be a nice surprise. Luckily, so did Carlisle and Esme, who
had agreed not to say anything.
Charlie had looked more than a little worried when I told him I wouldnt be home
until the next morning, and when he had asked me, almost pleadingly, if I would at
least be sleeping in Alices room, I didnt have the heart to tell him otherwise,
although I was certain we both knew better.
While I nearly died of embarrassment, I felt compelled to confess to him that I was
in fact still a virgin. It was horrible, but at least it seemed to give my dad some
peace of mind. Or so I thought, until I was about to leave, and found a brand-new
can of pepper spray in my overnight bag.
Being forced to stand by and watch your kids grow up had to suck.
Edward had offered to come pick me up, but I had declined, insisting on taking my
truck. Fifteen minutes later, I was standing on the front porch to the Cullen house,
my overnight bag in one hand and Edwards birthday gift - one of them, anyway in the other. Nervously fingering my ponytail, I hoped I looked okay as I raised
my hand to ring the doorbell.
The door swung open before I reached the button, revealing Alice in the doorway,
bouncing up and down on her toes. She squealed and threw her arms around me,
and I barely got the chance to return the hug before she pulled me into the house. I
smiled, putting my bag down on the floor before shrugging out of my jacket. Hi,
Alice.
Hi, Bella. She waved her hands impatiently. Come on, wed better hurry.
Edwards in the kitchen. My smile widened and I started towards the kitchen,
only to have Alice grabbing my arm to stop me. No, no, you cant let him see
you! She started pulling me in the other direction.
What? I gave her a look of confusion. Why not?
She sighed deeply, like it should have been obvious. Hello! We need to get you
finished first. Im gonna fix your hair, and you have to show me which clothes

youre planning on wearing.

I frowned, looking down at my blue top and jeans. Um, this?
Her face fell. But Bella, this is a special occasion. Its Edwards birthday. Dont
get me wrong - you always look pretty, but I can make you look spectacular. If you
just let me-
Alice, I cut her off. Look, heres the deal. You can do my hair, but thats it. And
this is what Im gonna wear tonight. Take it or leave it.
She pouted. Fine. But that doesnt mean I have to like it. I tried not to laugh as I
followed her up the stairs, because she looked absolutely crestfallen. Too bad for
her. I wasnt giving in.
I had to give Alice some credit, though, because she made my hair look so much
better than I could ever accomplish by myself. When she finally announced that
she was done, I couldnt help but smile at my reflection in the mirror, and gave her
a big hug. It looks great, Alice. Thank you. She grinned at me, clearly pleased
by my reaction.
Running my fingers one last time through my soft curls, just because I liked the
feeling of it, I decided to ask Alice if I could borrow some eyeliner since I hadnt
brought any make-up of my own. I was already wearing a little mascara and some
lip-gloss, but that was it. Her face lit up like she had just won the lottery and she
rushed into her bathroom, only to return a moment later with a huge make-up bag.
Only Alice would have a make-up bag the size of a suitcase. I shook my head in
astonishment, bracing myself for a full make-up session that I hadnt asked for.
But somehow, I realized that I didnt mind. Besides, it gave the two of us some
time to catch up. Funny how we always ended up talking about the guys.
You know how Jasper promised to make prom night a memory for life? Alice
glanced at me, and when our eyes met, her coy smile turned into a grin. Hes
made a reservation for us at a hotel in Port Angeles. I cant wait!
Wow. I was quiet for a moment, not sure what to say. Thats great.
Alices smile faded, as if she had just remembered something. Im sorry. Lets
talk about something else.
No, dont be silly. I waved my hand. I know you and Jasper are... my cheeks
became hot, ...sleeping together. I dont mind talking about it. Its just... I

shrugged, unsure of how to explain.

I understand, Bella. Alice gave me a sympathetic look. Youre sexually
frustrated.
What? Now my face was bright red. Im not!
Oh, come on. She patted my arm. Theres nothing to be ashamed of.
I shook my head. You know what? I take back what I said. Change the subject,
please!
She opened her mouth, to object, I presume, but was interrupted by a knock on the
door. In the next moment, Rosalie was standing in the doorway. I had forgotten she
was invited as well, but I was suddenly very grateful for her presence. She smiled.
Hey, guys. Whats up?
Oh, we were just talking. Alice gestured for her to come in. About sexual
frustration. She winked at me, as if to show me she was only teasing, but that
didnt stop me from glaring daggers at her.
Okay... Rose looked from me to Alice, and she must have seen something in my
eyes, because she playfully nudged Alices shoulder as she passed her. Jaspers
not putting out? I had to suppress a snort when Alice stuck her tongue out at her.
And then, to my utter relief, she changed the subject, I think theyre all set
downstairs.
I jumped up, checking to see if my hair was still okay. Then I felt a little stupid,
because I suspected Edward wouldnt really care whether I wore my hair up or
down. I cleared my throat. Lets go, then. Alice, Im gonna leave my stuff here in
your room for now. That okay?
Of course. She got up as well. Just dont forget Edwards birthday present.
I glanced at the neatly wrapped package I had placed on top of my bag. Suddenly I
felt a bit self-conscious. Actually, I was thinking Id rather give it to him in
private.
What? No! Alice gave me a look of disapproval. Thats not fair, we all want to
see what it is. Then her expression changed. Wait. Is it something kinky?
Oh my God... Rose chuckled at my sudden look of mortification.

No, its nothing kinky. Jeez! I hid my face in my hands. Seriously, Alice, Im
about this close to disowning you as my friend.
Im just kidding, I promise. Alice waited until Rosalie had discreetly slipped out
of the room before she walked over to me, her face suddenly serious. Really,
Bella, I didnt mean anything by it. You know that, right? If I have offended you in
any way...
No. I rolled my eyes. Dont worry about it. And just for the record - I wouldnt
really disown you. While I wouldnt admit it, I enjoyed her bluntness. It was just
the way she was, and I wouldnt want her any other way. Then she wouldnt be
Alice. Besides, I knew she would never tease me like this when Edward was
around. She would only remove her filter when it was just us. I was okay with
that.
When we left the room, Edwards present remained on my bag. I knew it didnt go
by Alice, but she didnt say anything about it. She just linked our arms together as
we hurried towards the stairs.
OoO
EPOV
When I got out of the shower, I watched my reflection closely in the mirror for a
moment, but didnt find any visual sign that I had magically become a different
person, just because I was now eighteen. To tell the truth, I felt pretty much the
same as I had before I went to bed last night. I hurried to get dressed and then
went back to my room.
I was finally a legal adult, and I figured I should be happy. Now I could do
whatever I wanted, the world was at my feet and all that crap. Funny how I just
wanted to curl up in my room and hide.
A soft knock on the door snapped me out of my thoughts a couple of minutes later,
and I suppressed a sigh. Its open, I called out as I attempted to pick up some of
my clothes from the floor. My room was a mess, and I cringed at the thought of
Bella coming here tonight and accidentally stepping on my old underwear.
Happy birthday. Esme smiled at me from the doorway. I could see her
hesitating, as if not knowing whether or not is was okay for her to come inside, so
I forced a smile in return and gestured for her to enter. She looked relieved. I was
just wondering if youd like to come down for breakfast. Carlisle had to go to the

hospital, and Alice and Emmett have already eaten, so itll just be the two of us.
Yeah, all right. I eyed a dirty t-shirt critically before tossing it in the hamper.
Just gonna finish here. Ill be down in a minute.
Great. She remained where she was. Um, do you need any help? I shook my
head. When she still made no motion to leave, I put the hamper down and gave her
a questioning look. Thats when I noticed how nervous she looked, and I realized
she hadnt just come here to ask me about breakfast.
Whats wrong? I asked warily.
Oh, nothing. She wrung her hands. I was just hoping we could talk, but if
youre busy... her voice trailed off and she looked down at her feet.
No, its cool. I let out a gust of air. What do you want to talk about?
Well... Esme made her way over to the small couch in the corner of the room
and sat down. After a brief moments hesitation, I did the same, slumping down
next to her. She smiled, but there was uncertainty in her eyes. When she spoke up,
her voice was overly cheerful. Hey, Im gonna do some baking for tonight. Would
you prefer cupcakes or brownies?
I frowned. Whatever you wanna make is fine with me. Mind telling me what this
is really about?
Im sorry. She closed her eyes for a second, and a sad laugh escaped her. I
really thought I could do this, but... she shook her head, and when she continued,
her voice was trembling, Ill be honest with you, Edward. Im scared out of my
mind right now.
What? I blinked in surprise, because I hadnt seen this coming. What are you
talking about?
Esme swallowed visibly, her eyes shining with tears. Ive been fearing this day
for so long. I feel horrible to admit it, but I cant help it.
I shook my head slowly, more confused that ever. I dont understand.
Youre an adult now. She placed a shaky hand on my arm, only to pull back the
next moment, fear evident in her eyes. Im just so afraid. I dont want to lose
you. I just looked at her blankly, still not following. She sighed. You may not be
my son by blood, but I couldnt love you more if you were. Im just worried its

not enough to keep you with us. A pause. That Im not enough.
At first I thought she still worried about the Social Services, but it didnt quite add
up. It took a moment before understanding started dawning on me.
She didnt just fear that someone would take me away. No, she was afraid that
now that I was of legal age, I would leave on my own account. Walk out on her, on
the family. The realization hit me like a ton of bricks.
Esme... I felt like my head was spinning. No, youre wrong. Youve done more
for me than... I swallowed. My mother never gave a fuck about me, but you
were always there for me, even though I probably made your life miserable most
of the time. You never gave up on me. Dont ever think youre not enough. I
cant... my voice cracked. Fuck, Im so sorry.
Oh, sweetie... She pulled me into her embrace, hugging me tightly, and I found
myself hugging her back while trying to remember if my mother had ever held me
like this. Deep down, I already knew the answer to that. Esme inhaled shakily.
You have nothing to be sorry for.
Yes, I do. The words were spilling out of me now, and I couldnt have stopped
them if I wanted to. I never felt like I belonged, like I really deserved to be here.
But that was me, you didnt do anything wrong. You and Carlisle kept trying, and I
never showed you that I appreciated it. I cant believe you put up with me all this
time. Tears were burning in my eyes, but I blinked them away. Im sorry.
Lets just start over, okay? Esme pulled back a little, gently placing her hands on
both sides of my face. We can both learn from our mistakes and move on. It may
not be easy, but it doesnt have to be, as long as were on the same page. Edward, I
know Im not your mother, but if you let me, I would love to be your mom.
I tilted my head to the side, feeling like I was close to a revelation of some kind.
Whats the difference? I asked huskily.
Well... She paused. The way I see it, you become a mother when you give
birth. But being a mom goes beyond that. Its not about obligation - its about
connection, and feeling it in your heart. Being a mom means that you would do
anything in your power to protect your children, and that you love them
unconditionally, no matter what. I love you, Edward. What do you say?
Somehow, what she said sounded so simple. I took a moment to let her words sink
in. Then I nodded. I think Id like that.

Chapter 102
EPOV
Emmett, you put that cookie in your mouth, and youll be grounded until
graduation, Esme warned, causing Emmett to freeze in his tracks with the
chocolate chip cookie a mere inch from his mouth. He got a look of conflict on his
face and I could see the wheels turning in his head - after all, his graduation was
less than two weeks away.
Unfortunately for him, Esme knew how his mind was working and hurried to add,
Better yet, make that until your brother and sisters graduation. Emmett let out a
heavy sigh and put the cookie back down, clearly deciding that it wasnt worth it if
he ended up grounded for a whole year.
But Im starving, he complained, giving Esme a pleading look. She just shook
her head and - just to be on the safe side, I assumed - removed the large tray
loaded with cookies, brownies and cupcakes out of his reach. His expression
changed into total devastation.
You ate an entire pizza a few hours ago, Rosalie - who had just entered the
kitchen - reminded him, an incredulous tone in her voice. How can you possibly
be hungry again?
Im a growing man, Emmett muttered defensively. I dont expect you to
understand. She just raised a brow, not impressed by his reasoning. He turned
back to Esme. So, do we have to wait until Edward turns nineteen, or are we
actually going to eat today?
Well be eating as soon as Bella and Jasper get here, Esme told him patiently as
she grabbed an oven mitt and went to open the oven. Everythings ready.
Jasper is here, Carlisle announced as he walked into the room, Jasper in tow. He
sniffed at the air and let out a humming sound of appreciation. Esme, dear, you
have outdone yourself. The food smells amazing.
She smiled as he went over to her and gave her a peck on the cheek. Hopefully it
will taste as good as it smells. Can someone get Alice? Im sure Bella will be here
any moment.

I opened my mouth, about to offer, but Rosalie beat me to it, Bellas upstairs with
Alice. Theyre on their way.
Bellas already here? I asked doubtfully, positive that I hadnt heard the
doorbell. Rosalie nodded in confirmation, and I frowned. Why would she go
straight to Alice instead of coming looking for me? A part of me couldnt help but
feel a bit hurt. After all, I was Bellas boyfriend, and it was my fucking birthday.
Was I being ridiculous and immature? Probably. Did I care at the moment? Not so
much.
However, my irrational jealousy quickly melted away when my girl stepped into
the kitchen a few seconds later. Her face lit up as she spotted me, and I barely got
the chance to take a step in her direction before she flew across the room and
straight into my arms. I let out a contented sigh as I all but crushed her to me,
unable to resist giving Alice the evil eye over Bellas shoulder.
Of course, Alice just rolled her eyes at me and walked over to Jasper, who
immediately slid his arm around her slender waist.
Happy birthday, baby, Bella murmured into my ear, brushing her lips against my
cheek. Then she pulled back a little and added with an apologetic note in her
voice, Im so sorry for not coming sooner, but someone..., she threw a pointed
look at Alice, who only grinned in response, ...decided to kidnap me the moment
I walked through the door.
I realized I shouldnt be the least bit surprised. Well, you were definitely worth
waiting for. I lowered my voice a little, well aware of all the people in the room.
You look beautiful.
Bella blushed, although she looked pleased with the compliment. Thanks. Alice
helped me with the hair. I wanted to look extra nice tonight.
Oh, so thats what the two of them had been doing upstairs. I instantly cast an
apologetic look at Alice, whose smile only grew wider.
Great, were all here. Now, can we please eat? Emmett asked hopefully. I bit
back a chuckle as Esme gave him a disapproving look, because his dejected
expression was priceless. Clearly seeing my amusement at his expense, Emmetts
childish pout turned into an evil grin. Right, I forgot. Of course we all have to
stand up and sing Happy Birthday, right, Edward?
My smile faded and my eyes widened in horror. No way in hell! I gulped. Lets

eat, please! Thankfully Esme took pity in me and nodded in agreement. The
pleased look on Emmetts face - not to mention the way the jerk winked as he
hurried past me - told me he knew exactly what he was doing. I glared at him,
although I found that I couldnt bring myself to be genuinely upset.
As for birthday presents, I had all but begged Carlisle and Esme not to go over the
top this year. I still had a hard time accepting and wrapping my mind around the
fact that for my seventeenth birthday, they had bought me a car. But to my great
relief, this time they had made it clear that they would respect my wishes.
There was no secret that our family was loaded, and they had seemed a bit
disappointed not being able to buy me ridiculously expensive gifts, but I had
firmly insisted for them to keep a low profile, shamelessly playing on their wishes
to please me, and I supposed it worked, even though they, in my opinion, still
spent a bit more on their gifts than necessary.
This morning, Carlisle and Esme had gotten me a brand-new acoustic guitar, along
with a note saying I was entitled to ten private lessons for beginners. While I was
surprised by their choice of gift, seeing how I had never expressed an interest in
playing any kind of instrument, my interest was instantly piqued, and I thanked
them profoundly.
Dinner was kind of nice, I suppose, all in all a pretty quiet event, which suited me
perfectly since I absolutely hated being the center of attention. Luckily, everyone
at the table was aware of this, and made no attempt to push me into any deeper
conversation. Still, I knew Bellas presence would be enough to make just about
anything bearable.
I had promised myself I would make an effort to socialize during dinner, and not
just finish eating as quickly as possible and then run off, like previous years.
Everyone seemed to be in a good mood, and no awkward subjects came up, but I
had to admit I was a bit relieved when Esme suggested wed take a short break
before she would serve the cake.
We all agreed, and I had to struggle to get up as calmly as I could instead of just
grabbing Bella by the arm and dragging her with me out of the room. The truth
was, I could hardly wait to get her all to myself, even if it would only be for a little
while. She looked absolutely stunning tonight, and I had a hard time taking my
eyes off her, which most likely had not gone by the others.
When we got upstairs, Bella told me she would be right back and rushed across the
hall - heading to the bathroom, I assumed - so I went into my room to wait for her.
She returned a moment later with a bag, grinning at my confused expression. Im

spending the night, she confessed, her cheeks slightly pink. I didnt say anything
before, because I wanted it to be a surprise.
The way she glanced at me through her eyelashes as she spoke, almost shyly, told
me she was a bit uncertain of my reaction, and I nearly laughed, although I
managed to contain myself. Did she actually expect me to be disappointed? This
was the best news I had received all day, and I had every intention of letting her
know just how much I appreciated her little surprise.
But before I got the chance to say anything, Bella pulled out a large, wrapped
package she had somehow kept hidden behind her back and handed it to me, a
somewhat nervous smile playing on her lips. Um, this is for you. Its not much,
but... Oh, well, happy birthday. She paused. Again.
I shook my head, but couldnt help but smile, because I found her awkward
ramblings adorable. Thanks, love. But really, you didnt have to get me anything.
You spending the night here with me is more than... I stopped, giving her a
worried look as a thought had just occurred to me, Wait, you are staying in my
room, right? She smiled and nodded, and I let out a sigh of relief.
Seeing the way Bella looked expectantly from me to the box in my hand, worrying
her bottom lip between her teeth, I made my way over to the couch and sat down,
motioning for her to join me. Then I started unwrapping it carefully despite my
words, being curious of what she had gotten me.
There were several items in the box, one of them a book of some kind, bound with
a blank, white cover. Then there were a couple of DVD:s, all new movies that I
hadnt seen before, but I resisted the urge to read the summary on the back and put
them aside for the moment. Instead I picked up the book and gave Bella a
questioning look. Whats this? A photo album or something?
Yes, and no. She lowered her eyes, appearing to be self-conscious all of a
sudden. I mean, how you want to use it its up to you, but there is a thought
behind it. I was thinking photo album/scrapbook/journal. I started to open it, but
Bella stopped me by quickly putting her hand on top of mine. Um, Id like to
explain a little more before you look inside, if you dont mind?
I shrugged in response and gave her a smile I hoped would be reassuring, because
she suddenly seemed so insecure, and I didnt understand why.
Okay. She took a deep breath. Remember when Angela gave you that black
notebook where youre supposed to write down things that... are hard to talk
about? I blinked in surprise, but nodded. Bella hesitated a little, keeping her eyes

on her hands. Well, I thought... In this book, you could write about stuff thats,
you know, good. Things you want to remember. And you can put pictures in there
as well.
Oh. I realized I should thank her, but the truth was, I was a bit overwhelmed.
She swallowed. I kind of started for you. Um, open the first page?
Too stunned to say anything, I obeyed. Covering almost the entire first page was a
photo of Bella. Underneath she had written in small letters; my girlfriend Bella. I
ran my fingers gently over the glossy surface of the picture and then raised my
head to look at her. Bella-
Wait! She let out a nervous giggle. Before you say anything, theres more. Turn
the page?
Doing as she asked, I frowned as my eyes landed on something that appeared to be
a plastic wrapper to a straw, taped to the white book page. Something was written
under, and my eyes widened as I realized what I was looking at. From our first
lunch-date, it said, and I shook my head in awe. Seriously? You saved this? My
voice cracked at the end, but I was too astonished to care.
Bella must have misread my reaction, because she wrung her hands and spoke
hurriedly, You probably think its stupid. I just wanted to give you something
meaningful. I know its not much, but thats why I also got you the DVD:s. If you
hate it-
No! My God, Bella... I cut her off, horrified that she would think that, even for a
second, when in reality I was touched beyond words. I swallowed hard. First of
all, I could never hate anything youd give me. But this... Fuck, Bella, I dont
know what to say. I mean, I love it. Thank you. I pulled her into my arms,
hugging her close as I desperately struggled against the tears threatening to well
up.
It was without doubt the most thoughtful gift anyone had ever given me. The color
of the cover was white, in contrast to the black one I'd gotten from Angela, and I
just knew it had been a deliberate choice from Bellas side. And every time I
opened this book, I would be met by the most precious sight in the world, what
changed my life and turned out to be the best thing that had ever happened to me.
My beautiful girl. My Bella.
Hey... I pulled back a little, grinning as inspiration hit me. Think I want to write

something right away. Got a pen?

She smiled, and her eyes darted around the room. Yeah, I can see why you would
have a hard time finding anything in this mess. There was a teasing note in her
voice, and it was obvious that she was a lot more relaxed now when she knew I
liked her gift. Silly girl. How she could have doubted that in the first place was
beyond me.
Ill have you know, it was much worse this morning, I defended myself,
jumping up to get a pen from my desk. Then I sat back down, picked up the white
book and started scribbling on the first blank page I found. I could feel Bellas
curious eyes on me as she tried to read over my shoulder, and couldnt resist
teasing her a little. Hey, do you mind? This is private.
Bella slumped back into the couch, pouting adorably and mumbling an apology.
When I was done, I handed her the book without a word. She hesitated a little, as
if not sure whether or not I really wanted to show her, and I rolled my eyes. Just
read it. We both know you want to.
Her curiosity got the upper hand, and she turned her eyes to the page, reading out
loud, June 20. Bella gave me this book and I thanked her by kissing her fucking
senseless. Bella looked up with a frown. You havent kissed me- She was cut
off as I attacked her lips with mine.
I had been longing to kiss Bella all day, and now when I had her within reach, I
wasnt about to let the opportunity pass. She let out a soft moan, quickly putting
the book aside and climbing into my lap, our lips never breaking contact as she
slipped her arms around my neck.
The kiss was soft and tender, yet bold and daring, all at the same time, and I just
couldnt get enough. Kissing Bella had quickly become my number one favorite
activity, and I couldnt help but think this had to be as close to Heaven as I would
ever get. We were both panting slightly and smiling at each other as we finally had
to pull back for air.
I let out a content sigh, gently tucking a stray curl of hair behind her ear. Does
that count as kissing you senseless, or do I have to do it again?
She giggled softly. Id say mission accomplished, but hey, if youre offering...
her eyebrows went up in challenge. You wont hear any complaints from me.
Chuckling a little, I leaned in to brush my lips against hers. Do I really get to
keep you all night? When she nodded, I tightened my arms around her. I might

not let you go home tomorrow.

Is that a promise? She smiled sweetly and batted her lashes at me. Again, I
wont complain. Im yours for as long as youll have me.
Forever, I responded without hesitation. Humming in agreement, she sighed
happily and curled up in my arms, resting her head on my shoulder. More than
anything, I wished I could just pause this moment, because right now, everything
was absolutely perfect, and I never wanted it to end.
Unfortunately, the blissful moment was over all too soon for my liking. An hour or
so may have passed, but it was still not enough, as far as I was concerned. Bella
and I were cuddling on the couch when the knocking started, and I could hear
muffled voices coming from the hallway outside my room.
Come on, Al, theyre not gonna open. Just try the doorknob. Emmett, of course.
Then,Ow! Dammit, why are you hitting me?!
I glanced at Bella, who had clapped her hand over her mouth to stifle a laugh, and
gave her a hopeful look. If were real quiet, they might think were asleep.
Seeing her skeptical expression, I added, Or we could just climb out the
window.
Be nice. Bella shook her head in amusement. Besides, you know they wont
give up that easily.
Another knock emphasized her words, and I sighed, disappointed to have my
moment with Bella disrupted. Then again, I figured we had all night. As if she had
read my mind, Bella smiled coyly, pressing a soft kiss to my cheek before getting
up and heading for the door. No! I whined loudly in protest, although I wasnt
really serious. Dont open, or well never get rid of them!
Hey! I heard that, Emmett complained, sounding most offended as he barged
through the door.
I gave him my best innocent face. I have no idea what the fuck youre talking
about. Can I help you?
He opened his mouth, but Alice - who had slipped past Bella into the room - beat
him to it. Well, Im here because Mom asked me to let you guys know its time
for birthday cake. She paused, glaring at her older brother. Emmett just decided
to tag along to be a pain in the ass.

Hey, I suggested wed just go ahead and eat the cake without you, Emmett
protested. But for some strange reason, Mom wouldnt hear of it.
I flipped him off, only to get a wide grin in response. Alice would usually just
shake her head at us, but I couldnt help but enjoy the teasing banter between me
and Emmett. We could insult each other these days, all in good spirits, and I was
finally starting to see that having an older brother could actually be quite fun.
All right, well be down in a minute. When Emmetts eyes narrowed
suspiciously, I rolled my eyes. Just go! Well be right behind you.
Finally he seemed to take the hint, snickering to himself as he followed Alice out
of the room. I waited until they were both out of sight before turning to Bella.
Just so you know - when we get back here, I expect us to pick it up exactly where
we left off before we were so rudely interrupted.
Bella smiled and nodded in agreement. Sounds good to me. And just so you
know... she blushed. I might have one more birthday present for you. But you
cant have it until later tonight, when were alone for real. With that cryptic
statement, she slipped past me, leaving me to look after her in bewilderment.

Chapter 103
EPOV
So, what do you kids have planned for the rest of the evening? Carlisle asked as
he took a sip of his coffee. I nearly choked on my cake, but thankfully, he didnt
seem to notice. Bellas words, I might have one more birthday present for you,
kept ringing in my head, and every time I glanced in her direction, she would
smile softly, yet at the same time, she appeared to be somewhat nervous.
I felt her small hand slip into mine under the table, and when our eyes met, she
blushed. Naturally, my mind was racing, and I wished I knew what was going on
in her head. A part of me wanted to just grab her and rush upstairs, eager to have
her all to myself for the rest of the night. At the same time, I was scared out of my
mind. And yet, strangely excited, all at once.
Bella and I would be sleeping in the same bed tonight, and I had a strong feeling
we wouldnt be fully clothed this time. I wasnt stupid - I had a pretty good idea
what she had been insinuating before, and I would be lying if I said her words had

taken me completely off guard.

The truth was, the idea of taking our relationship to the next level had been on my
mind a lot lately. And somewhere along the way, the thought had stopped freaking
me out. For the first time, I actually felt like I was ready. And that was what scared
me.
Would I disappoint her? What if Bella had all these expectations, and I couldnt
live up to them? Not that I really thought she would say anything, should that be
the case, but still, the thought of not being enough wouldnt go away. How could I
be? I had no fucking clue what to do.
Okay, maybe that wasnt entirely true. I knew how things were supposed to work.
Maybe I would be okay. And, fuck, I couldnt believe I was having all these
thoughts now, with my family in the same room, stuffing themselves with birthday
cake. I pushed my half empty plate away, suddenly unable to eat anymore.
Im spending the night at Jaspers, remember? Alice reminded, in response to
Carlisles question. I think well be leaving soon, if thats all right? She looked
at me, as if I would have any objections, and I just looked at her blankly for a
moment. Then I realized she meant to be polite, seeing how it was my birthday
and all.
Theres no rush, Jasper piped up, looking around the room. We could all watch
a movie or something first. Its not that late. I noted that Alice looked excited
about the suggestion. However, she seemed to be the only one.
Id love to, really, but I need to get going soon. Rosalie sounded genuinely
apologetic. I have to be at work early tomorrow, and I should probably try to get
as much sleep as possible. Its my first day, so I cant be late.
Where will you be working again? Esme asked. Emmett told me the other day,
but Im afraid I forgot.
Rosalie smiled. Its at the local garage downtown. Ill be helping fix up old cars
and stuff. Its just a few hours a week for now, but if Im lucky, theyll hire me full
time after I graduate. I cant wait. This is something Ive wanted to do my whole
life.
Emmett grinned. How cool is that, huh? I can ask my girlfriend to pimp my
ride!
Carlisle chuckled. Maybe she could even teach you how to change a tire.

Hey, Im perfectly capable of changing my own tire, Emmett protested, but he

didnt sound totally convinced. I couldnt help but snort - even I knew how to do
that.
You could take a look at Bellas truck every once in a while, just to make sure it
doesnt fall apart, I suggested, only half joking. Honestly, I feared for my girls
life every time she got behind the wheel of that thing. I knew she had gotten the
truck from her mother, which was the only reason I wasnt constantly on her back
about trading it in.
Bella mock glared at me, knowing me well enough not to be offended for real, but
clearly still felt the need to defend her precious vehicle. Theres nothing wrong
with my truck. I squeezed her hand reassuringly.
Emmett offered to give Rosalie a ride home, leaving not so subtle hints that he was
hoping she would ask him to stay for a while once they got there. She wasnt very
hard to convince and agreed, after apologizing again for breaking up so early. I
didnt mind at all, having been waiting for an excuse myself. But I politely
thanked both her and Jasper for coming. After all, they had been kind enough to
bring me a gift.
After Emmett and Rosalie had left, it didnt take long before Alice and Jasper
announced they were leaving as well. Esme started clearing the table, waving off
any offer of help. Alice turned to Bella. Um, before I go, would you mind coming
up to my room with me? Itll only take a moment. Theres something I wanna
show you.
Oh, okay. Sure. Bella sounded a little confused, but nodded in agreement. She
glanced at me. Ill see you upstairs? I nodded, giving her a small smile as I
somewhat reluctantly let go of her hand.
Before I knew it, Carlisle and I were the only people left in the room. He shifted a
little on his chair. So, this birthday didnt turn out so bad after all, did it?
I shook my head, feeling a little stupid for being so negative before. No, it was
great. Thanks, for everything.
Youre welcome, son. Im just glad you had a good time. We all are. He was
quiet for a moment, and I could tell he had something more on his mind. Listen, I
just wanted... he hesitated. Theres something Id like to talk to you about,
before you go upstairs. Its nothing bad, I assure you. Just... he cleared his throat,
...maybe a bit awkward. But Im afraid its necessary.

All right. I couldnt help but feel a little alarmed, although I tried not to let it
show. What is it?
I dont want you to take this the wrong way. He looked me right in the eyes.
Let me start by saying I would be having the same conversation with Emmett,
should he be the one to have his girlfriend staying over like this. In fact... he
chuckled a little, I did have this conversation with him once, and believe me, it
was every bit as embarrassing for both of us.
I raised a brow, skeptically. Really?
Ill be straight with you, Edward. Carlisle leaned back in his seat, watching me
calmly. I know this is not the first time Bella has spent the night here with you,
but I feel the circumstances are a bit different this time. Do you know what Im
saying?
I nodded slowly. When he seemed to realize it was the only response he was going
to get, he continued, I want you to know that both Esme and I trust you and Bella
completely. But we also remember what its like to be young and in love. That
said, I dont mean to make assumptions, or jump to conclusions. I just need to
make sure you know how to be careful, when the right time comes, of course.
Would you get to the fucking point? I snapped, regretting my tone immediately,
but I was starting to become frustrated. Im sorry, but what are you talking
about?
Im talking about you and Bella. Carlisle pinched the bridge of his nose.
Edward, Im not a fool - I can see this is not just some teenage crush. When I see
the two of you together, theres no doubt in my mind that what you have is real,
and I couldnt be happier for you. I mean that, son, with all my heart.
I swallowed, touched by his words. Thank you.
However, he went on, and I could tell he was choosing his next words very
carefully, We have never really talked about the physical part of your
relationship. I know youre an adult now, and technically this is none of my
business, but I want you to know that you can always come to me if-
I cut him off, as his ramblings finally started to make sense. This is about sex?
For a second, Carlisle almost looked like he was in pain. He closed his eyes
briefly, then nodded. Please, dont be upset. Im only bringing it up because I

care about you. You andBella. If Im making you feel uncomfortable with this,
then I apologize. But I feel this is a topic that needs to be addressed.
A part of me was horrified. I wanted to shout at him that he was right - this was
definitely none of his business and he should just leave me the fuck alone. And yet
I remained silent. I figured that on some level, I just wanted to hear what he had to
say. Something told me it was important. So I pressed my lips together, resisting
the urge to lash out at him, and waited for him to go on.
Carlisle looked relieved, and I suspected he had been expecting an outburst of
some kind. Hell, I couldnt blame him. A few weeks ago, that would most
certainly have been my reaction. But somehow, I felt like a different person now. I
sort of liked this new person, and I could only hope it would last.
What are you thinking, Edward? Is there anything youd like to say to me? Do
you have any questions? He sounded calm, but at the same time, somewhat
uncertain, like he worried he might be out of line. Thats when it hit me that when
he told me this could get awkward, he had meant for both of us.
I sighed. I dont know what you expect from me. What do you want to hear?
Bella and I havent... I closed my eyes for a moment, forcing myself to finish the
sentence, ...slept together. Honestly, Im not sure we ever will.
Okay, I really hoped I was wrong about that. But for some reason, I couldnt bring
myself to tell him how I really felt.
The look on Carlisles face told me he could see right through me. He shook his
head. Edward, when two people love each other, sex can be a most pleasant
experience. It should be an act of love and affection, and as long as both are ready
and willing, theres absolutely nothing wrong with experimenting. Only you can
decide what is right for you, and the same goes for her. You just need to be
attentive.
I opened my mouth, but he wasnt finished. But you must also remember that you
have a responsibility, towards both of you. What Im trying to say is, Im not ready
to become a grandpa just yet.
Oh. Oh! Fuck! I gulped. Carlisle, I Really, I dont...
He held up a hand. Just take a deep breath, and please hear me out. Like I said
before, I trust you, and I trust Bella. Never doubt that. But I also know that,
sometimes, things happen that you havent planned for. It doesnt necessarily have
to be a bad thing, but you need to be aware of all the risks. Are you with me?

Yes. I squeezed my eyes shut. Look, this is all... I mean, I see your point, I
really do. But up until recently, I never thought Id even consider... I stopped
myself abruptly, realizing I was about to reveal more than I had planned. But
something about the way Carlisle looked at me - with respect and pride, maybe
even hope - made me continue. Fuck this! Yes, Ive been thinking about it. A lot.
Happy?
Would you be shocked if I said yes? He laughed somewhat nervously, and to my
surprise, I felt the tension leave my body. Then his face turned serious. Edward,
whatever you have been thinking, or feeling, I can assure you its normal. To most
parents, the thought of their children having sex is... how do I put this?
Frightening, I suppose. It means they are growing up.
I was a bit surprised, having not seen this coming. And thats a bad thing?
You have no idea. Carlisle shook his head, letting out a chuckle. No, not really.
Thats just the way its supposed to be. But it can be hard to let go. My point is,
when it comes to you, I get conflicted. Watching you make so much progress as
you have the last couple of months... there are just no words. For so long, I feared
you would... his voice cracked, and I felt a lump in my throat.
What? I swallowed, thinking I had a pretty good idea what he was going to say.
He had probably feared I would just remain a disappointment to everyone, forever.
When he finally spoke, his response was nothing like I had expected. I feared you
would never allow yourself to find true happiness. And when you put that in
perspective, the thought of you someday growing up and having sex doesnt seem
all that scary anymore. Quite the opposite, actually.
Okay... I honestly didnt know how to respond to that.
Do you know what else Ive been fearing? he asked, quietly. I could only shake
my head. That you and I would never be able to have an honest heart-to-heart like
this. Ive been trying to reach out to you over the years, trying to really get through
to you, but I can see now that I never tried hard enough. Thats something I will
just have to live with, but I want you to know that Im sorry.
No... I couldnt let him take the blame for that. There was nothing he could have
done differently - I was the one who refused to let anyone in. You didnt do
anything wrong. Ive been an ass to everyone.
Edward, no. Carlisle sighed. Im well aware of the fact that our familys been

having communication problems for a long time. But you must understand that
you - and Alice and Emmett too, for that matter - have always been an innocent
party in all this. You were merely children. Esme and I are the ones who shouldve
fought harder to keep the family together. It was never up to you.
He went on, a sad note in his voice, It took the intervention of a teenage girl for
me to see that I was failing, and even worse - that I had practically given up. I
have to admit that I had mixed feelings for Bella at first. I was both grateful and
resentful at the same time, if that makes any sense to you. She was a stranger, and
yet she managed to succeed where I couldnt. It made me feel even more like a
failure.
I blinked in surprise, because this was news to me. Never in my wildest dreams
had I imagined that he felt that way. All this time, I had been convinced I was the
one tearing this family apart. And now it turned out Carlisle had felt the same,
only that he was the main reason. He said our family was having communication
problems. Id say he was right.
And how the fuck did we go from awkward sex talk, to this?
As if he had read my mind, he straightened up and cleared his throat. Um, do you
have any questions? About, you know, anything?
I failed to hold back a snort of amusement. Either he was really bad at this, or he
was brilliant. It occurred to me that during our talk, I hadnt been anywhere near a
panic attack, and the topic was - to say the very least - intense. I was both
surprised and relieved by this discovery.
I dont think so, I responded truthfully. Not right now, anyway. Might take a
rain check, though. Ive gotten a lot to think about.
Understatement of the fucking year. I felt like my head was spinning with all this
new information, and at the same time, I felt strangely at peace.
Fair enough. Carlisle smiled a little. And I believe you have a lady waiting for
you upstairs. Just, please, keep what I said in mind.
I will, I nodded. And, you know, thanks. Rolling my eyes, I added, Even if it
was awkward.
He chuckled. Just a little. Im really glad we could have this talk, though. And I
meant it when I said you can always come to me. I hope you realize that. I
nodded again. He was silent for a moment, then looked me straight in the eyes.

Edward, I dont expect you to start calling me Dad all of a sudden. But I want
you to know that its the way I see myself. You are, and always will be, my son.
I swallowed, afraid I would start blubbering. And I had been doing so well up until
now. Taking a couple of shaky breaths, I forced myself to speak around the lump
in my throat, You and Esme have always been really good parents. It was as
close to admitting thats how I thought of them as I could get right now. Maybe in
time, I could do better.
When I got up to my room, a couple of minutes later, I found Bella waiting for me
on the bed. Her face brightened when she saw me. Everything okay?
Everythings great. After closing the door, I quickly moved across the room,
eager to have her back in my arms. Sorry for keeping you waiting. Carlisle
wanted to talk to me.
You were worth waiting for, she assured me with a wink, repeating my words
from earlier. Thats when I noticed that she had changed into her sleeping attire gray pajama pants and a pink tank top.
It wasnt that late. I gave her a look of confusion, because I hadnt planned on
sleeping for a while yet. Tired?
What? Oh. She ran her hand absently over her top. No, I... she fidgeted
nervously with the bedspread. Remember when I said I had one more birthday
present for you? Well, this is it.
I frowned. Sorry, love, not sure I follow. What is it?
Bella reached out her hand, and I took it without even thinking. She slowly
brought my hand to her chest, placing it gently over her heart. When our eyes met,
she smiled almost shyly. Me.

Chapter 104
BPOV
When Alice asked me to follow her to her room, and all but dragged me up the
stairs, I didnt really know what to expect. But when she closed the door behind
her and turned to me, her expression a mixture of excitement and concern, I started

to become somewhat worried.

I let out a nervous laugh. Okay, whats going on?
Alice wrung her hands, and I realized that for once, she wasnt sure of what to say
or do. Normally, that wouldnt bother her - she would just blurt out the first thing
that came to her mind, and the fact that she now seemed to be hesitating only
added to my growing uneasiness.
Finally she let out a sigh and put on a smile, only it seemed to be somewhat
strained. Im sorry, Bella, I didnt mean to freak you out. Its just... well, I
realized I just cant leave without making sure... I mean, I know its not really any
of my business, but-
Alice, I groaned, cutting her off in her ramblings. Please, just get to the point.
Whats this all about?
She was quiet for a moment, and when she spoke, she sounded nothing like the
Alice I knew. I dont know how to ask you this without making you angry at me.
Trust me, thats the last thing I want.
All right... I was getting more confused by the minute. Look, I promise to hear
you out before I say anything, and Ill try not to get angry, unless you give me a
really good reason. Thats the best I can do.
Sounds fair enough, she mumbled. Okay, remember before, when I teased you
about being sexually frustrated? It was stupid. But seriously, I didnt really think
you and Edward were ready to take your relationship to the next level, if you know
what I mean. She stopped with a shudder. I assure you, this is the first and only
time I will ever discuss either of my brothers sexual life, because thats just...
ugh!
I couldnt help but smile, because she looked absolutely nauseated at the mere
thought. Fine. Just remember, youre the one who brought it up in the first place.
I know, I know. Alice grimaced. Then she seemed to pull herself together
enough to go on. Its just that I saw the way the two of you were looking at each
other downstairs, thinking no one would notice. Trust me, Bella, the sexual tension
between you was so thick, you could cut it with a knife. You were practically
undressing each other with your eyes, for crying out loud!
Oh my God! Alice! I blushed furiously. Thats just... No! Youre wrong.

Liar, liar, pants on fire!

When Alice just looked at me, clearly not the least bit convinced, I sighed in
defeat. I couldnt blame her - I didnt believe me either. But I truly hadnt realized
it at the time. I was hit by a horrifying thought - what if Alice wasnt the only one
who had been observing me and Edward at the dinner table? God, how
embarrassing!
Im not wrong, and we both know it. Alice smiled sadly. Bella, please, dont
misunderstand me. Im so happy you and Edward are moving forward in your
relationship. Really, I think its wonderful. Just promise me you wont do anything
you havent really thought through. Its a very big step, for both of you. A pause.
Especially for Edward.
Even though I knew deep down that she was right, I felt anger bubbling up inside
me. Do you really think so little of me, Alice? Do you actually believe for a
second that I would push Edward into something hes not ready for? My God, you
make it sound like Im planning to steal his virtue or something.
Her eyes widened and she shook her head. Bella, thats not how I meant for it to
come out. Dammit, I knew youd take this the wrong way. All Im saying is, dont
do anything rash.
I gave her a cold look. Trust me, I wont. She opened her mouth, but I wasnt
finished. Alice, I know you care about Edward, and I respect your opinion. But I
dont think youre being fair to me right now. You know I love him. What did I
ever do to make you doubt me?
I dont. She started to sound a bit annoyed. Bella, you promised to hear me out,
and frankly, you havent. Im not accusing you of anything. Youre right - I do care
about Edward. And I care about you, too. Thats why I dont want you to do
something you might regret later. But as long as youre both on the same page, I
say go for it.
I blinked in surprise. Did you just give me your blessing to... have sex with your
brother? We just looked at each other for a moment, and then, we both burst out
laughing, almost hysterically. Oh my God, Alice, this is just...
Too weird, she finished, nodding in agreement. Lets never talk about this
again.
Agreed. I shook my head, the anger I had been feeling a moment ago forgotten.
Just let me say this. I dont know whats gonna happen tonight, with me and

Edward, I mean. But I do know this. When - or if - we finally... go all the way, it
will be because we both want to. You just have to trust that were mature enough
to know what were doing.
Youre right. And I do. Alice got a look of determination her face. Okay, dont
freak out on me now. She hurried over to the small dresser next to her bed, pulled
out the bottom drawer and grabbed something. Then, without warning, she threw a
tiny object in my direction. I caught it without thinking, only to nearly drop it
when it hit me what it was.
Oh. Thanks. I was absolutely positive my face was beet red by now. Um, no
offense, but do you have a lot of these things lying around? I always thought it was
the guy who... I stopped as I saw her amused expression, and I started to feel like
an idiot.
Alice giggled. You know how your dad keeps sneaking little cans of pepper spray
into your purse? I nodded, rolling my eyes. She went on, her smile turning into a
grin. Well, my dads a doctor. He keeps bringing me condoms. I asked him once
if he actually expected me to use all of them. His face turned absolutely white, and
he left the room without a word.
I grinned as well. Poor Carlisle. Maybe there were worse things than having a
police chief for a father. At least Charlie was no doctor.
About five minutes later, I headed for Edwards room, only to find that he wasnt
there. Deciding to just get inside and wait for him, I walked over to the couch and
sat down. After a few minutes, it hit me that I might as well change into my
pajamas. I grabbed my stuff from my bag and rushed to the bathroom.
Once I was in there, I brushed my teeth thoroughly, twice. Then I washed my face
and made sure to remove all traces of make-up. Finally I ran a brush through my
hair, relieved to find it still looked pretty good. When I was done, I went back to
Edwards room, a little disappointed when he still hadnt returned.
I made my way over to the bed and sat down. Then I waited. And waited. Finally I
heard the sound of footsteps outside the room, and my heart started beating faster.
When the door opened and I saw Edward in the doorway, I couldnt keep the
happy smile from spreading on my face. But somehow, I resisted the urge to jump
up and run straight into his arms. Everything okay? I asked.
Everythings great, he assured me, his eyes landing on me briefly before he
closed the door behind him and walked over to the bed, sitting down next to me.
Sorry for keeping you waiting. Carlisle wanted to talk to me.

I was about to ask something more, but his relaxed posture made me decide
against it. I knew Edward well enough to know that if the talk had turned out
badly, he wouldnt have been nearly as calm as he was right now. So I decided to
just let it go, and smiled at him. You were worth waiting for.
He smiled as well, only to frown as he seemed to take in my appearance for the
first time. Tired? he asked then. I thought he sounded a little disappointed, but I
couldnt be certain.
What? Oh. At first, I didnt understand why he was asking, but then I
remembered that I was sitting on the bed in my pajamas. Actually, sleeping had
been the last thing on my mind, but I realized he couldnt possibly know that. No,
I... Suddenly I was really nervous. What if I was pushing things too far? I took a
deep breath. Remember when I said I had one more birthday present for you?
Well, this is it.
Edward looked confused, and I felt more self-conscious by the second. Sorry,
love, not sure I follow. What is it?
Pushing my nerves to the back of my mind, I gently took his hand and brought it
to rest over my heart. Our eyes met, and I managed a smile. Me.
He let out a somewhat uncertain chuckle. I thought you were already mine.
The way he said it told me he was partly joking and wasnt really as clueless as his
words might imply. Still, I felt the need to assure him. Of course I am. You know
that.
Watching me closely for a moment, he then lifted his free hand to cup my face. I
do. He paused. What are you saying, then? Do you want...? his voice trailed
off, questioningly.
Actually... I had felt so much more confident when I went over this in my head.
Suddenly I was terrified of saying or doing the wrong thing. Taking a calming
breath, I went on, I told you once Ill always want whatever youre willing to
give me. Tonight is all about you, baby. When I said Im giving you myself, I
meant it literally. You can touch me, anywhere and anyway you want. Or... I could
touch you.
For a moment, I just knew I saw lust flicker in his eyes. Then he shook his head, as
if to clear it. What if I want-

But its completely up to you, I hurried to add, afraid of coming on too strong. I
mean, weve talked about... moving forward, but only if youre ready. No pressure.
If you want to snuggle for a while, and then just hold each other for the rest of the
night, then thats what well be doing. Im happy just being with you. My gift to
you is to make you happy as well.
Bella, you always make me happy, he protested quietly. And I know you
wouldnt expect me to do something Im not comfortable with. I was going to
say... His eyes bored into mine, and I could see the sincerity behind his words as
he continued, What if I wanted to do more than just touching?
My eyes widened, and I didnt dare to hope I had understood him correctly.
Whatever you want, I promised, squeezing his hand still on my chest. Just tell
me.
Instead of responding, Edward leaned in and pressed his lips gently against mine.
Then he pulled back a little, looking right into my eyes. I want it all.
In that moment, I think I died.
Are you sure? I asked softly, half fearing he would change his mind, but I had to
ask. He nodded. I swallowed. What about your family? They wont come in here,
will they?
No, Carlisle and Esme are the only ones home, and they wont disturb us. I
nodded in understanding. He looked somewhat nervous. So, um, how do we do
this?
I bit my lip, realizing he expected me to take the lead. I figured it made sense in a
way, but the truth was, I didnt have much more experience than he did. Of course,
Edward already knew that. At the back of my mind, a little voice whispered that
we should probably talk this through properly before we went further, but I was
certain talking too much would kill the mood.
My entire body ached for Edward to touch me.
I decided not to over-think things, and just do what felt natural. Lets get under
the covers, I suggested, smiling when he instantly agreed. I had to admit, he
seemed more eager than I had expected. Not that I was disappointed - far from it.
You could start by removing my top, I told him in a voice I hoped sounded
calmer and more patient than I really felt.
A part of me just wanted to rip it all off, but I wasnt stupid. The last thing I

wanted was to rush things and risk making him uncomfortable.

Beautiful, Edward mumbled, unable to take his eyes off my body. Normally
something like that would make me feel embarrassed, but not today. Instead I felt
loved. Treasured. He slipped his arms around me and I happily melted into his
embrace. We were just lying there quietly for a minute or so, then he took my hand
and brought it to the edge of his shirt. Take it off, he whispered.
He sounded so determined that I resisted the urge to ask him if he was certain.
After all, it wasnt the first time I had seen him without a shirt. As I slowly helped
him slip the shirt over his head, Edward let out a somewhat unsteady breath, but
when I glanced at him to make sure he was okay, he gave me a reassuring smile.
Bella, Im fine.
I love you, I murmured in response, pressing a soft kiss to his chest, and he
closed his eyes for a moment.
Tell me what to do. He sounded a little uncertain. I placed his hand on my
stomach, wordlessly encouraging him to do a little exploring. He immediately
took the hint and started moving his hand carefully over my upper body. I failed to
hold back a soft gasp when he - after only a brief moment of hesitation - boldly
cupped my left breast and started massaging it gently, all the while keeping his
eyes locked on my face.
It felt so good, I couldnt keep the blissful smile off my face. Who would have
thought hed turn out to be a natural at this?
Clearly encouraged by my obvious approval, he continued, and I didnt miss the
way he started breathing faster. I decided to make a bold move, and just hope I
wouldnt mess up. Im going to take these off, I whispered, tugging gently on
my pants. Is that okay? Edward merely grunted in acceptance, which I took as a
good sign.
He happily continued his exploration of my body, and with the barrier of my
pajama pants gone, his hands bravely started wandering lower. Then something
seemed to occur to him and he tensed up, glancing at me. You want me to take
my jeans off now, or...?
Lets just wait a minute, I told him somewhat reluctantly, because I hadnt
missed the sudden hint of fear in his voice. This was a huge step, and I wasnt
going to push him in any way. Instead I snuggled closer to him, gently rubbing his
back in a soothing gesture, and I could feel his heart beating rapidly in his chest as
our bodies were pressed together.

While Edward was still in his jeans, I only had my cotton panties on, and I tried to
decide whether or not I would freak him out by offering to take them off. It
surprised me a little, but the thought of being naked in front of him didnt scare me
or made me feel embarrassed, like I had expected.
It was Edward, though, who ended up making the decision for me, as his fingers
brushed hesitantly against the soft fabric of my panties. He gulped, and for a
moment I was sure he was going to pull back. But he didnt. Is this okay? he
asked, his fingers trembling against my skin, as if he wanted to move further, but
didnt dare doing so without my permission.
M-hm, I managed to get out. Then, to give him better access - and to show him I
was absolutely okay with this - I silently slipped out of my last piece of clothing. It
took just about all the strength I possessed not to grab his hand and place it
between my legs. Instead I kissed him, first softly on the lips, and then I slowly
moved on to his neck.
Edward let out a soft moan of pleasure, his grip tightening around me as he
pressed his body even closer to mine. Thats when I felt something rock hard
against my thigh, and it hit me just how uncomfortable it had to be for him. If
you want, you can pull your pants down, I mumbled, nuzzling his neck with my
nose.
Help me, he said after a few seconds of hesitation, and I let out the breath I had
been holding. Holding his gaze, just to look for any sign of fear or discomfort, I
moved my trembling hand to unbutton his jeans. He briefly closed his eyes and
took a deep breath, then let go of me and shifted on the bed so he could pull them
off.
So many thoughts had been running through my head, but all of a sudden, my
mind was completely blank. All I knew was that I was in Edwards bed, in his
arms, and we were both more or less naked. He still had his boxers on, but I
figured it still had to be a huge relief for him to be out of those jeans. Not that I
had much to compare with, but...
My God, he was huge! For a moment, I found myself fearing that he wouldnt fit.
Then another thought hit me. I had heard enough stories to know that the first time
could be very painful. How would Edward react if he noticed he was causing me
pain? I was pretty sure I already knew the answer to that - he would freak out.
Feeling like a bucket of ice water had been dropped over my head, I pulled back a
little, knowing I had to give him a warning of some kind. Thats when I took in his

appearance, and realized his body had gone rigid. Without thinking, I had slid my
leg over his, and I felt myself pressed against his crotch.
Bella, I... he rasped, sounding almost like he was in pain, and I nearly pulled
away in pure panic, certain I had crossed the line. But as if he had read my mind,
he all but crushed me to him, keeping me from moving away. Im okay, he
insisted in a strained voice, and I wasnt sure whether he was trying to convince
me, or himself.
However, it was becoming painfully obvious to me that he wasnt. His entire body
was trembling, and when I caught a glimpse of his face, I noticed he was white as
a sheet. Edward, we need to slow down. If youre not ready-
Im ready, he cut me off, a stubborn note in his voice, and in one swift move, he
rolled us over so he was lying on top of me. I got the feeling it was more his
instinctive way of preventing me from going anywhere than an attempt of
anything sexual, but I couldnt be absolutely sure. I can do this, he insisted then,
sounding almost angry, and that was when I knew I had to act before things got out
of hand.
Edward, stop, I told him firmly, and wasnt sure whether to be relieved or
disappointed when he instantly froze in his tracks. For a moment, he seemed at a
loss for what to do, and then he quickly scrambled off me.
Fuck, Im sorry, he gasped, his eyes running over me desperately, as if checking
for any sign of damage. What did I do wrong? He sounded so scared, I nearly
burst into tears.
I carefully took his face between my hands, trying to get him to relax and focus on
my face. Everythings okay, baby, just calm down. Waiting until I was certain I
had his full attention, I then went on in a trembling voice, You did nothing wrong,
but dont you see? Youre not okay, Edward, youre shaking. I know you said
youre ready, but youre not. Its okay. Lets just... I hesitated. Come here.
Reaching out for him, I was happy when he immediately let me take him in my
arms. His arms slipped around me and he rested his cheek against mine. It didnt
take too long before I felt him relax, although his breathing was still a bit faster
than normal. Just give me a moment, he mumbled huskily, running a trembling
hand through my hair. Then we can try again.
I was about to tell him no, that there was no need for him to push himself so hard
and that we had all the time in the world. That was when an idea hit me, and I
decided to take a huge leap. Actually, I was thinking we could try something else.

You trust me, right?

He nodded without hesitation, and I was relieved to see that some color had
returned to his face. You know I do.
We dont have to go all the way tonight... Seeing that he was about to object, I
placed a finger softly over his mouth. Just hear me out. I said I wanted to try
something. If you dont like it, just tell me to stop, okay? His eyes narrowed
slightly, but he nodded in agreement.
Okay... Thinking quickly, I contemplated the best way to proceed, because I
wanted Edward to feel that he had total control of the situation. My initial thought
had been for me to lie on my back and ask him to straddle me, but I realized such a
position might make him feel too exposed. I didnt think he would protest, being
all too eager to please me, but I needed him to be a hundred percent comfortable.
He was clearly okay with being on top of me, but that wouldnt work this time. Oh
well, he said he trusted me. With my mind made up, I instructed Edward to lean
back against the headboard. Then I curled up against his side, pulling the covers
up to cover both of us, and rested my head on his chest. His arm immediately went
around me, and I placed my hand softly on his leg.
He sucked in a breath when my hand started moving, but he showed no sign of
discomfort. Instead he closed his eyes, which made me bolder. After a couple of
minutes of gently caressing his thigh, I let my hand slowly wander up a little, until
I reached the edge of his boxers. Then I stopped, watching his face closely. He
seemed calm enough, in fact, he didnt even open his eyes.
I opened my mouth, about to remind him again that he could tell me to stop at any
time, but then at the last second decided against it. He already knew that. So I
slipped my hand inside his boxers, my eyes never leaving his face, and very gently
started stroking him.
For a moment, I felt him tense up, and his eyes snapped open. I didnt remove my
hand, because I didnt see any real alarm on his face, only surprise. When I leaned
in to press a soft kiss to the corner of his mouth, he instantly relaxed again, and
less than a minute later, he closed his eyes for the second time.
In that moment, I realized Edward trusted me completely, which caused my eyes
to well up with tears, and I was glad he couldnt see me. He had assured me he
trusted me on many occasions, but actions spoke louder than words. I started
moving my hand a little faster, up and down, adding slightly more pressure to my
grip.

Edward let out a gasp, his free hand clenching at his side. Fuck, Bella, he all but
whimpered, instinctively pushing his hips upward in response. Dont stop, he
pleaded then, breathing heavily. Fuck, I cant... a groan escaped him, as he was
clearly incapable of finishing the sentence.
I wont, I assured him, slightly out of breath as I kept stroking him. You dont
have to hold back, baby. Whenever you feel it, just let go. I knew he had to be
close to coming, whether or not he realized it himself, and I wanted to make sure
he knew it was okay.
Bella...! he moaned, and I could feel his cock twitch in my hand. Then his body
jerked a few times, and the next thing I knew, my hand was all covered with his
warm, thick semen, trickling between my fingers. Strangely enough, it didnt
bother me nearly as much as I had imagined it would, and when Edward collapsed
against me with a grunt and a final shudder, his face a picture of pure bliss, all I
could do was smile.

Chapter 105
EPOV
Edward, are you okay?
My eyes immediately went to Bella when she spoke my name, and I realized I
must have zoned out for a moment. Her face was a mixture of hope and concern,
and I opened my mouth to assure her, but all that came out was a tired chuckle.
Her posture instantly relaxed and a smile started to spread on her face. Okay, I
take that as a yes.
Bella... My voice sounded strange in my ears, and I shook my head in an
attempt of clearing my head. Dont move, I mumbled then, trying to tighten my
hold on her, but my arms felt weak as fucking spaghetti.
Im not moving. She nuzzled my neck and let out a contented sigh.
Good. Just... dont. I ran my hand lazily up and down her back. Fuck, Bella, I
feel... I shook my head again, incapable of putting my dazed thoughts into words.
The truth was, I couldnt remember ever feeling this relaxed before.

Once I had removed my jeans and felt Bellas naked body against mine, I told
myself there was no turning back. I wouldnt back down, because I wanted to
prove to myself - and to Bella - that I was ready for this. I realized Bella and I
were about to have sex, and in that moment, I wanted it so fucking badly.
There were no flashbacks, no cruel and harsh voices in my head. All that existed
was my girl and me.
And then...
To be honest, I didnt know what had changed. I was pretty fucking nervous,
which wasnt very surprising, but I had been convinced I would be able go through
with it. I really enjoyed being so close to Bella, and being able to sense and touch
every inch of her soft, warm skin felt so good. Everything felt just right. And then,
just like that, I froze.
I refused to accept it, though. The thought of admitting defeat didnt exist to me,
Id be damned if I was going to let Bella - or myself, for that matter - down. I had
made my decision and I was sticking to it - if I could do this, if I could go all the
way and have sex with Bella, then James wouldnt have succeeded in breaking me
completely. But for some reason, my body and mind had betrayed me at the last
minute.
When Bella stopped me and confronted me about my behavior, I had to struggle
desperately against the rising panic, because I was certain I had screwed
everything up, only I didnt understand what I did wrong. But she managed to
calm me down, as always, and then suggested wed try something else. Having no
idea what she had in mind, I still agreed without hesitation, willing her to see that I
trusted her.
She slid her hand inside my boxers, shocking me at first, because it was the first
time she had been bold enough to touch me like that. But it wasnt uncomfortable,
hell, quite the opposite. Before I knew it, the most pleasant sensation started filling
me from inside, and I was unable to do anything but close my eyes and just enjoy
the feeling of her hands, stroking my hard cock gently but firmly, faster and faster.
I was only vaguely aware of my own voice, begging Bella to continue, and as she
happily complied, the amazing sensation only grew stronger and stronger, until the
point where it almost became painful - only in a good way - and I felt like I was
going to burst. As if reading my mind, she told me to let go, and when I finally
did, I thought I was going to explode. It was the sweetest fucking relief I had ever
felt.

Afterward I just lay there, panting and waiting for my brain to start working again.
It took at least a few minutes until I became aware of my surroundings, with the
exception of Bella, who was not only wrapped around my body, but seemed to
occupy every fucking cell inside my body as well. It was like she had literally
become a part of me, and I felt nothing but peace.
Until the moment I felt the wet, sticky substance trickling down my legs, and was
instantly brought back to reality. Bella must have felt me tense up, because she
placed a gentle kiss on my chest, then pulled back a little, just so she could look
into my eyes. Wanna get cleaned up? she asked softly.
It took about every ounce of willpower I had to fight back the revulsion
threatening to well up, and I could only nod. I felt a desperate urge to rush to the
bathroom, but I didnt want to just run off and leave Bella here. Suddenly I felt
dirty, unclean, and I wasnt even sure why. Need a shower, I managed to croak,
silently begging Bella to understand.
She sat up, a somewhat worried look on her face, but she kept her hand steadily on
my chest, as if knowing I needed the contact to remain in the present. I silently
thanked her, not trusting my voice to hold.
Okay, sure. Bella sounded calm enough, but I felt her hand shake slightly
against my skin. It took a moment before I realized it was actually me. Her eyes
never left my face as I all but jumped up from the bed, and she grasped my
trembling, clammy hand in hers, her other hand fumbling over the bed in search
for her scattered clothes. Give me a second and Ill go with you, need to wash up
a bit myself.
That was when it hit me that her hand was sticky as well. My eyes widened in
horror and guilt, and I somehow managed to find my voice. Fuck, Bella, Im so
sorry, I didnt mean-
Edward, please... Bella interrupted my frenzied apology, struggling to slip into
her underwear with only one hand. Then she reached for her top. Im absolutely
fine, and you have nothing to be sorry for. Well talk about this when we get back,
now lets just go freshen up. If you wanna use the bathroom down the hall, I can
just use the one in the guestroom. That okay?
Yeah. Somehow I was able to pull myself together and find my t-shirt on the
floor. Quickly pulling it over my head, I then allowed Bella to lead me out of the
room. To my relief, I could feel the panic and anxiety slowly loosing its grip on
me, and resisted the urge to come out as even more pathetic and ask Bella to come

to the bathroom with me.

I tried to keep my mind from wandering into dangerous territory and just
concentrate on getting clean as I scrubbed myself frantically in the shower,
because the last thing I needed now was to have a fucking breakdown. Everything
had been going so well, and I hated that it took so little to turn things around so
completely. I pictured Bellas face in my mind, which luckily helped me finish my
task successfully.
Bella was already back in my room when I finally left the bathroom, and I realized
I had been in there for nearly twenty minutes. I started to feel guilty all over again,
certain this wasnt how she had hoped to spend the rest of the evening - her sitting
alone in my room waiting for me to compose myself.
She didnt look overly upset, though. Instead she gave me a soft smile, biting her
bottom lip almost shyly and silently reached out her hand for me. Letting out the
breath I had been holding, I quickly moved across the room and slumped down
next to her. Somehow, I managed to give her a smile in return, although it
probably looked more like a grimace. Sorry for keeping you waiting. Again.
Youre forgiven. Bella snuggled up against me and I slipped my arms around
her. Just please dont leave me again tonight. I kinda feel like Im only half a
person when youre gone.
I could relate to that feeling. I know what you mean. And I promise. Sorry.
And no more apologies, she told me sternly, pointing her index finger at me.
I grabbed hold of her hand and kissed the tip of her finger, shaking my head in
agreement. Ill do my best.
Thank you. Bella tilted her head slightly to the side, watching me thoughtfully.
You okay? I just nodded, knowing another apology would most likely roll over
my lips if I opened my mouth. She hesitated a little. So, about before...
My shoulders slumped. Yeah... Guess you wanna know why I freaked out like
that. I inwardly cringed, because while I knew I could tell Bella everything, this
was still fucking embarrassing. Taking a deep breath, I looked away and went on,
Look, Ive never... I mean, that was the first time I...
Fuck, why did it have to be so hard to get the words out? It wasnt like it should
come as a total shock to her that I had never fucking ejaculated before. I
shuddered. While it had been more than pleasant at the time, it didnt erase the

sickening feeling filling me afterwards, when the rush had worn off. And it had
taken me a moment to figure out why I suddenly felt so disgusted and filthy.
Thankfully I hadnt had any visual flashbacks, my mind being too occupied
enjoying Bellas... actions, but when I became aware of the warm wetness between
my legs, it subconsciously reminded me of other times, years ago, when the same
thick fluid had been flowing out of me, only it hadnt been my own.
There had been no pain or blood involved this time, which I figured was the
reason why I hadnt suffered a full blown panic attack. Id heard about people
blocking certain horrible memories completely, leaving them blissfully unaware of
whatever traumatizing events they had suffered, and I wished from the bottom of
my heart that I couldnt remember anything from my time living with my mother
and James.
Sadly, that was not how my mind worked. I remembered way too much, even
though Angela seemed convinced there were still parts that my consciousness had
blocked out. If that was true, I prayed they would stay buried for the rest of my
life. What I could already recall was bad enough.
As much as I wanted Bella to understand, it was not a subject I wanted to talk
about, especially right now. But when I finally managed to stutter out an at least
somewhat coherent explanation, her reaction surprised me. But to be honest, I
didnt know exactly what I had been expecting, because she was always so much
more attentive and understanding than I gave her credit for.
Thanks for telling me this. I do understand, and I have to admit the thought never
occurred to me. Im sorry. But Edward... Bella hesitated, and I got the feeling she
was looking for the right words.
She tentatively went on, Ive seen you freak out, as you put it, and this wasnt
even close. Sure, I could see you were getting agitated, but you were able to
control yourself, and you beat back the panic from getting a hold of you
completely. Dont you see? Thats huge.
I opened my mouth, then closed it again, allowing her words to sink in. She
sounded so convinced that I had managed to avert a panic attack all by myself, and
I had automatically been about to object, but suddenly I couldnt help but wonder
if maybe she could be right after all. As foreign as the thought seemed to me, I
couldnt deny that it was a most interesting theory.
Did this mean I was getting better? That I could learn to take control of my inner
demons instead of letting them control me? I honestly wasnt sure, but it didnt

keep me from getting my hopes up, if only just a little. Merely moments ago, I had
felt myself spiraling downward, the familiar sense of shame and self-loathing
dragging me down, but all of a sudden, I felt lighter. Hopeful.
What are you thinking? Bella sounded a little worried, and I realized more than
a minute had passed, and I had yet to respond to her statement. Maybe she thought
she had upset me, which couldnt be farther from the truth. It was just a lot to take
in, and I guessed it made me a bit overwhelmed.
I never thought of it that way, I admitted, raising my eyes to meet Bellas. I
mean, I noticed how I didnt black out or anything, although I was pretty freaked
for a while, but I just assumed... I shook my head, not knowing what to think.
You really believe I was able to fight it off, just like that? Think I could do it
again?
I do. She squeezed my hand. Youre so much stronger than you think, Edward.
I believe in you. I just wish you did as well.
Easier said than done, I thought, but I didnt say it out loud. Instead I just
shrugged.
You know, Im actually kind of glad we didnt... go all the way, Bella confessed
now, blushing a little. I mean, its the first time for both of us. There are certain
things we havent really thought about.
Carlisle had a sex talk with me before I got up here. I dont know why I had just
blurted that out, because that was not something I had planned to share. Her eyes
widened, her already pink cheeks turning crimson. Rolling my eyes, I went on,
He went on about responsibility. Oh, and he said he wasnt ready to become a
grandpa.
Oh my God! Bella let out a mortified groan, hiding her face in her hands. Ill
never be able to look him in the eyes again.
I gave her a smile I hoped would be reassuring, not wanting her to feel
embarrassed - or uncomfortable the next time she ran into Carlisle. Actually, he
was pretty cool about the whole thing. Dont worry about it.
She removed her hands, giving me a skeptical look. You absolutely sure about
that? I dont want him to think badly of me, Edward.
He wont, I promise. I sighed, not liking where this was heading. I shouldnt
have brought it up. Just forget I said anything.

Bella was quiet for a moment, then glanced at me, a hint of a smile playing at her
lips. You know, sometimes I wonder if your family has any psychic abilities or
something. Remember when Alice wanted to talk to me before she left with
Jasper? I nodded, somewhat confused. She shook her head in amusement. When
she was done talking, she handed me a condom.
It was my turn to stare in disbelief. Are you fucking kidding me? Bella shook
her head again, grinning sheepishly. I briefly closed my eyes, not sure whether to
be horrified or just try to shrug it off. Then I decided on the latter. I figured it could
be worse - it couldve been Emmett. He would most likely make my girl feel a lot
more awkward than Alice, and he probably wouldnt even feel bad about it.
I could suddenly see a most disturbing scenario playing out all too clear in my
head - Emmett giving me a bunch of helpful tips on how to make Bella feel
special during the act. Maybe he even had some fucking article about it. To be
honest, I wouldnt put it past him.
Bellas smile faded a little and I could tell she had something else on her mind.
After a moments hesitation, she asked in a small voice, You did like it though,
right? I mean, before...? she left the rest of the sentence hanging, and I realized
she was actually worried about my answer. Seeing my expression, she hurried to
add, It seemed like you did, but Ive never really done anything like that before.
She could have fooled me, but her confession brought a smile of relief to my face.
Dont think I wouldve reacted very well if she told me she used to do the same
thing to that... Jacob. Stupid fucker.
Trust me, I liked it. I brought my hand up to cup her cheek. I love you. Her
smile lit up her entire face.
I love you, too. She was practically beaming now. Then she yawned, her face
scrunching up. Ugh. Guess Im a bit sleepy. Sorry.
I realized I was starting to get tired as well. It had been a long - not to mention
eventful - day. Wanna get into bed? Her eyebrows went up, and a soft giggle
escaped her. I rolled my eyes and clarified, To sleep, I mean. A part of me
wanted us to stay up longer and cuddle, and the other part just wanted to curl up in
bed and hold Bella tightly in my arms as we booth fell asleep.
Hell, both options sounded pretty fucking appealing to me. I would happily let
Bella take her pick.

As if she had read my mind, Bella got an almost dreamy expression on her face.
Mm, she hummed. Sounds good. She was back in her pajamas, and I couldnt
help but feel a bit disappointed. Then again, I had gotten dressed after my shower
as well, wearing the same t-shirt and sweatpants I always used as my sleeping
attire.
Suddenly I found myself wondering if she would mind taking her pajamas off
again, if I offered to do the same. I never slept without covering my body up - if it
was really hot in the room, I would sleep in a t-shirt and boxers - but the thought
of holding Bella all night with no barriers between us made me feel bold and
daring. I wanted to feel her - all of her.
Again, I got the feeling she knew exactly what I was thinking, because she
watched my face thoughtfully, biting her lip in that nervous way I had come to
find adorable. Of course, I found most things about Bella fucking adorable. It
might be hot in here tonight, she mumbled, lowering her eyes.
I gulped and nodded, fearing my voice would break. Was just thinking the same
thing. She raised her head, hope shining in her chocolate brown eyes.
Really? Her voice was barely more than a whisper now.
With my mind made up, I pulled the t-shirt over my head again in a silent response
to her question. Bella swallowed visibly before slowly moving to mimic my
actions. My eyes never left hers as I wriggled out of my sweatpants, letting them
drop to the floor. Then I took her in my arms.
I love you so much, she breathed into my ear, laying her head to rest on my
shoulder. Her arms slipped around me and she let out a blissful sigh.
Love you, too, I echoed, smiling as a strand of her soft hair tickled my nose. It
didnt take long before I felt myself starting to drift off. I struggled to stay awake,
wanting to revel in this moment of pure perfection for as long as I possibly could.
But it didnt take more than a few minutes before I reluctantly gave in, allowing
sleep to claim me.
I slept peacefully for the rest of the night.

Chapter 106
BPOV

Falling asleep in Edwards arms and then waking up in the same position the next
morning was definitely something I could get used to. As he had yet to wake up, I
took the opportunity to watch him shamelessly as he slept. He looked so calm and
peaceful, like he had no worries in the world.
Last night had been close to perfect. I felt like Edward and I had shared something
even more intimate than sex, and in a way, I supposed we had. Sure, he had gotten
a bit agitated for a moment, which - as always - made my heart hurt for him, but
he had handled the situation really well, all things considered, and he had been
completely open about what was bothering him. I couldnt be more proud of him.
Finally we were getting somewhere. We were moving forward, and not even
Edward could deny the progress he was making.
Suddenly he started to stir next to me, muttering something unintelligible, and
pulled me closer. He buried his face in my hair and let out a humming sound, still
sound asleep. In the next moment, his leg slid across mine, and I could feel
something hard pressing into my thigh. I held my breath and went completely still,
waiting to see if he would wake up.
Bella... he mumbled then, and when I dared to move my head slightly to the
side, just so I could look at him, I noticed he was smiling in his sleep. Was he
dreaming about me? It sure seemed that way. I realized I was smiling as well.
Yes, Edward? I whispered, not really expecting an answer. I ran one hand gently
up and down his back, moving the other to play softly with his hair, and my smile
widened when he subconsciously leaned into my touch.
Dont let go, he murmured, his breathing picking up slightly against my neck,
and I felt his plea tug at my heartstrings.
Never, I promised, not sure whether or not he could actually hear me. I
considered waking him up, but in the same moment, his eyes snapped open. For
the first couple of seconds, he appeared to be a bit disoriented, blinking a few
times, but then his eyes landed on me. Good morning, I said softly.
Morning, he echoed, his voice thick from sleep, and he watched me closely for a
moment. Then I felt him tense up, and realized he must have just become aware of
the intimate position we were in. But to my surprise - and joy - he didnt pull away
from me. I could tell he was somewhat uncomfortable, though, and searched my
mind for something to say to distract him.

I need to use the bathroom. I blurted out the first thing that came to me, feeling
the heat rise in my cheeks. But it seemed to work, because Edward immediately
looked a bit relieved, rolling off me to let me up. I wanted to kiss him, but the
thought of morning breath made me self-conscious, and I made a mental note to
myself to brush my teeth before returning to Edwards room.
Rushing to the bathroom down the hall, relieved when I didnt run into anyone in
his family on the way, I washed my face and brushed my teeth, slowly and
thoroughly. I was eager to get back to Edward, but decided to give him a moment,
and waited patiently for a couple of minutes before finally leaving the bathroom.
Edward had just finished getting dressed when I got back to his room, smiling
somewhat apologetically as I entered, and while a part of me was a little
disappointed, I knew I should just be grateful we didnt get a repeat of the last time
we woke up this way together. This time he had merely seemed a bit awkward, and
now, after giving him a moment of privacy, he had clearly recovered.
The rest of the morning passed quickly. I knew Charlie had planned to go fishing
today, not expecting to be back until late afternoon, which meant I didnt have to
hurry back home. After breakfast, Edward and I went back to his room, where we
spent the next two hours talking, listening to music, and - of course - ended up
cuddling a little on the bed.
It was almost noon when Alice came knocking on the door, having obviously
returned from Jaspers, and told us Esme had lunch ready. For a moment, I became
uncertain and wondered if I should offer to leave, not wanting to wear out my
welcome at the Cullens, but Alice assured me Esme had insisted that I stay.
We all had a nice lunch together in the dining room. When we had finished eating,
Esme started clearing the table, politely declining my offer to help with the dishes.
Carlisle cleared his throat and turned to me. Bella, I thought you should know
that I spoke to your father this morning, regarding our upcoming trip to Port
Angeles.
I nodded in understanding, knowing Carlisle and my dad had been having regular
conversations over the phone lately. At first it made me a little uncomfortable, not
sure how to feel about the two of them discussing my relationship with Edward,
but then I figured that if it would make Charlie more understanding and
supportive, there was really no point in complaining.
As a result, my father rarely commented on my wishes to spend as much time with
Edward as I possibly could, even though I knew he wasnt particularly fond of me

spending the night at the Cullens so often. But again, he was kind enough to let me
get away with it, especially after he and Carlisle started talking more. In a way, I
was grateful.
Alice looked up at her father. So, what time are we leaving?
Carlisle got a confused look on his face. What do you mean?
She let out an impatient sigh. Hello? Port Angeles, next week? Meeting
Edwards... The person who shall not be named. What time are we leaving? I felt
Edward tense up slightly next to me at the mention of his birth mother, but he
remained silent. Reaching under the table, I found his hand and gave it a squeeze.
Im sorry, I... Carlisle seemed to be at loss for what to say. Alice, were you
under the impression that we all are going? I never insinuated anything like that. It
will just be me, Esme, Edward and Bella.
Youre kidding, right? Emmett sat up straight in his seat, giving him a look of
disbelief. Do you seriously expect me and Alice to stay behind?
Edwards eyes darted doubtfully between Emmett and Alice before he finally
spoke up, Why the fuck would you want to go? There was no hostility in his
voice, only surprise and confusion.
Emmett opened his mouth, but Alice beat him to it, What do you mean, why?
Of course well be there. We wont let you go through this by yourself.
Carlisle shook his head. Alice, I understand how you feel, but... He stopped
himself, turning his eyes to Edward. This really shouldnt be my decision. I just
assumed... Edward, how do you feel about this? Would you like Alice and Emmett
to come along as well?
Casting a brief glance at me, Edward then shrugged, looking somewhat frustrated.
Doesnt matter. Just want to get it the fuck over with. There was a hint of
uncertainty in his voice, and I got the feeling he wasnt really as indifferent as he
tried to let on.
If thats how you feel, then why the hell are you doing this? Emmett sounded
incredulous. Alice kicked him under the table, but he ignored her. Im serious, I
dont get it.
Never expected you to, Edward muttered defensively, and I started to feel like I
was imposing on a private moment, but couldnt bring myself to get up and leave.

Emmett, you have no right to question his decision, Alice piped up in Edwards
defense. What I dont get is how Dad, she glared at her father, expects us to just
sit back and pretend nothings out of the ordinary. Did it ever occur to you that we
might want to be there and support Edward as well?
Carlisle sighed. Believe me, Alice - and Emmett, the same goes for you - it was
never my intention to make you two feel left out. Lets just all be rational, and take
a moment to talk about this. For things to go as smoothly as possible-
Im sorry, Dad, but thats just bullshit. Emmett stood up abruptly. This whole
situation is crazy, and I dont understand how any of you can be so fucking calm
about it. He glared around the room, as if daring anyone to object, and his eyes
finally landed on Edward. Please, explain it to me, because Im at a complete loss
here. Why do you want to meet her, after what she did?
I watched how Edwards shoulders slumped, and he shrank back into his seat.
You dont have to understand, he mumbled, clearly uncomfortable. Its just
something I need to do.
We know that, baby, I whispered, rubbing the back of his hand with my thumb
as I gave Emmett a pointed look. You dont owe us any explanation.
Im not the bad guy here, Bella, Emmett protested, clearly struggling to keep his
voice calm. Im trying to understand, but I guess Im stupid or something,
because it makes absolutely no sense to me.
Emmett... Carlisle sounded perplexed. Weve been over this. Your brother
wants closure, and I think-
Again, thats fucking bullshit! Emmett cut him off angrily. What good could
possibly come out of seeing that heartless bitch? I cant sit here and listen to this
crap!
Emmett, please, watch your language, Esme - who had just reentered the room reprimanded softly. The tension in the room was palpable, which didnt go by her.
Whats going on here? she asked worriedly.
I glanced at Emmett, and was immediately taken aback by the fury in his eyes.
While I had seen him angry before, this was something different, and I found
myself wondering what was happening. His fists were clenched at his sides, so
tightly they were trembling, and his face was getting more red by the second.

In that moment, he reminded me of Edward, when he was getting so worked up

that the only outlet was for him to grab the nearest object and hurl it into the wall.
But Emmett was normally a lot more composed than that. I was staring at him
with wide eyes, and then realized I was not the only one.
Edward watched his older brother with a stunned expression, slowly raising his
hands in front of him. You can come if you want, he offered in a shaky voice.
Why are you so fucking pissed? Esme opened her mouth, obviously about to say
something, but then settled for giving him a mild look of disapproval, clearly
finding no choice but to accept the fact that both her boys had a mouth like a
sailor.
Emmetts face softened a little, although he remained standing, his stiff posture
refusing to relax. I... I dont... he started, then stopped, uncertainty shining in his
eyes.
The room had gone deadly silent. Finally Carlisle spoke up, softly, Emmett, could
I please talk to you for a moment in the other room? I found myself holding my
breath as the two of them left the dining room, no doubt heading for Carlisles
office.
Now there were only the four of us left - Edward, Alice, Esme and myself - and
the awkward silence once again filling the room made me more than a little
uncomfortable, but I flat out refused to be the first one to make any comments
about what had just happened. And to be perfectly honest, Emmetts outburst was
still a bit of a mystery to me.
He has a hard time dealing with this, Esme finally admitted, a pained note in her
voice. She slumped down on the empty chair next to Edward, and when her eyes
met mine, she gave me an apologetic look. We were supposed to have a nice,
quiet lunch. Im sorry. I tried to give her a reassuring smile, well aware that it
came out a bit strained.
At least we had finished eating, Alice offered helpfully, but not in her usual
chirpy voice. When I looked at her, I noticed she had tears in her eyes. She took a
deep breath, and when she spoke again, this time turned to Edward, I got the
feeling she was struggling to keep her emotions under control. We want to be
there, too, Edward. Both Emmett and I. Dont you see? Its a family thing.
I lowered my eyes, knowing she meant to include me in that concept, but still
feeling guilty. After all, I had been asked to attend this dreaded meeting between
Edward and his mother, while Alice and Emmett had not. No wonder they felt
pushed to the side and left out, although I still suspected there was more behind

Emmetts reaction than just the hurt and offense of being excluded.
Edward swallowed visibly, and I could tell he was touched by Alices words.
Okay, he simply whispered, and I knew he was still struggling to come to grips
with the fact that other people cared about him. It seemed to be easier for him to
accept these days, but I figured it would still take time, seeing how he had to get
used to a whole new way of thinking and seeing things.
As for meeting Elizabeth - Edward had stopped referring to her as his mother
some time along the way - I was most apprehensive. It wasnt that I didnt want to
go, in fact, if Edward or anyone else had asked me not to come after all, it would
have killed me, because I knew he would need me. Thankfully, his family seemed
to realize this as well, as there had never been any question about my attending.
But I was still afraid of what seeing her after all this time would do to Edward. He
kept insisting it was something he needed to do, and I tried my best to be
understanding and supportive, but deep down, I couldnt help but fear that he was
making a huge mistake. Of course, if this would help him move on, once and for
all, it would hopefully be worth it in the end, just like I had told Angela.
I just couldnt stand the thought of him being hurt again in the meantime. Because
I seriously doubted Elizabeth would give him the answers he was looking for. I
could only pray I was wrong. After all, people could change, Edward being a
living proof of that. But would the same go for his mother? And if she had
changed, would it even mean anything?
Not to me, that was one thing I knew for sure. I knew in my heart that nothing
Elizabeth could possibly do, or say in her defense, would change my opinion. I
would never forgive her. How could I? Emmett was right - she truly was a
heartless bitch. I could understand Edwards desire to just get it over with, and I
hoped he was mentally prepared for what he was up against.
Because no matter what Carlisle said, I was almost completely certain there was
no way things could go smoothly. This was bound to end badly.
Over the next couple of days, I kept waiting for Edwards nerves to set in, but for
some reason, he remained seemingly calm. I was the one who was a nervous
wreck, although I desperately tried to hide it. He already knew how I felt, and I
didnt want my uneasiness to affect him in a negative way. The more relaxed and
confident he was, the better, and the last thing either of us needed was for him to
become edgy and start pushing me away again, even though he had promised it
wouldnt happen.

My growing concern wasnt lost on him, though; the way he kept looking at me
thoughtfully from time to time told me he was much more aware of my feelings
than I would have preferred. But he wouldnt call me out on it, and I could only
assume he was trying to keep a low profile and not start something that could lead
to an argument between us. I couldnt blame him - he had enough to deal with as it
was.
The night before the big confrontation - as I referred to it in my head - Edward and
I were at my house, snuggling on the couch and watching a movie, even though I
was having a hard time focusing. Charlie was working late, which meant that we
had the house to ourselves, and normally that would make me thrilled. But tonight,
I just couldnt stop fidgeting.
Finally Edward reached for the remote and switched the sound to mute. I cant
take it anymore. Are you gonna tell me whats bothering you, or do you plan to
just keep pretend its nothing?
I sighed. I think you know whats bothering me.
Right. He was quiet for a moment. I dont know what you want me to say.
I dont know, either, I admitted. Im just scared, Edward. Really scared. And I
dont understand why youre not.
Are you kidding? he asked incredulously. Of course Im fucking scared, Bella.
But if you expect me to have some sort of melt-down and freak out about it, its
not gonna happen. This was my choice all along, and Im doing it for me, not for
anyone else. Besides, this time tomorrow, it will be over. Then shell be out of my
life for good.
The way his voice trembled slightly as he spoke told me he wasnt really as
confident as he let on, but I chose not to confront him about it. More than
anything, I wanted him to be right, but to be perfectly honest, I had my doubts.
Just remember that no matter what happens, Ill be there with you, I told him
instead. So will your family. Youre not alone.
I know. He pulled me closer and pressed a tender kiss to my temple. I laid my
head down to rest on his shoulder and started running my fingers up and down his
arm, not sure who I was trying the hardest to soothe with my actions - me or him.
Edward let out a soft sigh and turned the sound back on, with that putting an end
to our conversation.
Neither of us brought up the subject of his mother again that night. But after

Edward had gone home and I was lying in bed, tossing and turning for what
seemed like hours, I found that my troubled thoughts wouldnt leave me alone.
Needless to say, it took a very long time before I finally fell asleep.

Chapter 107
EPOV
You okay?
I looked up from my coffee, my eyes landing on Emmett in the doorway, and had
to suppress a sigh. It was still early, and I had hoped for a chance to be alone for an
hour or so before the rest of the family would come downstairs. Sure, I couldve
just stayed in my room, but I couldnt go back to sleep, and my craving for coffee
had just been too strong to ignore.
Realizing he was expecting some kind of answer, I put my half empty cup down
on the table in front of me with a shrug. Sure. Why wouldnt I be? When he
didnt respond, I cast a glance in his direction, and found that he was looking at
me with an expression that could only be described at skeptical. Very skeptical.
This time, I did sigh. Loudly. You asked. Dont know what the fuck you want me
to say.
His eyes narrowed slightly, but he didnt make any snarky comments. Instead he
made his way across the room, heading for the coffee maker. Is there any coffee
left, or did you already drink it all? I shrugged again, not bothering to answer. He
was fully capable of checking for himself.
After pouring himself some coffee, Emmett hesitated for a brief moment before
sitting down across the table. He cleared his throat. Look, I didnt mean to come
out as an ass yesterday. Are we cool?
Seeing how I used to act like an ass most of the time, and seemed to be forgiven, I
wasnt going to hold grudges. Yeah, were cool.
All right. He looked relieved, although I got the feeling he had more on his
mind, and raised a brow in question. Turning his attention to the steaming
beverage in front of him, he was quiet for a moment before he finally spoke again,
You asked yesterday why I was so pissed. Cant you guess?

I slowly shook my head, a little surprised. Actually... no.

He huffed. I lived a pretty sheltered life as a kid. Mom and Dad were always
around, making sure Alice and I never had to miss anything. Guess you could say
they were spoiling us, both with affection and material stuff. Not sure about Alice,
but I just took it all for granted. It never really occurred to me that there were
people out there who werent as lucky.
Not really sure where he was going with this, I just waited for him to go on.
Finally he did. Nothing against Alice, but I always wanted a brother. Used to drop
all these not so subtle hints around Mom, but when I started to notice it just made
her look sad, I stopped nagging her about it. Then one day, Mom and Dad sat us
down and explained that youd be living with us. I was really excited. Not only
would I get a brother after all, but hed be almost my age. Yeah, I was over the
moon.
I grimaced. Sorry to be such a disappointment.
No, thats not... His expression turned apologetic. I just assumed youd be like
me, you know - like the same things I did and all that crap. I had this whole vision
of us hanging out, doing guy stuff. Gang up and tease Alice... Something between
a snort and a chuckle escaped me. When it became clear to me that you werent
interested in any of that, I guess I just gave up. For someone wanting a brother as
much as I did, I sure as hell failed to act like one.
Dont do this. I looked away, feeling a bit uncomfortable. No reason for you to
beat yourself up over something that wasnt really your fault. Im not stupid - I
know I didnt exactly make it easy for you. Fuck, I was an intruder, moving into
your house and making your life hell. Why should you have acted any
differently?
I never thought of you as an intruder, he protested. In my defense, I didnt
understand where you were coming from, and you never gave me a chance to find
out, to get to know you, but I shouldve tried harder. I realize its a bit late to show
remorse now - Ive said and done things over the years that I cant take back, but
you should know that to me, you are my brother. And thats why this is killing
me.
What is? I raised my head to look at him. Somehow, Emmett and I had stumbled
into one of the deepest, most serious conversation we had ever had, and while it
was awkward in a way, I couldnt help but feel intrigued - I wanted to hear more,
wanted to understand his side of the whole thing. I had a feeling it would change a
lot of things.

He sighed. Dad tried to explain to me why you need to do this. Seeing her, I
mean. And I do understand, at least I do in some way, but I still dont like it. I
opened my mouth, but he hurried on, I know its not up to me - Alice was right
about that - but I cant help it. Just thinking about what she did... his voice trailed
off, and I could see anger flash in his eyes.
Well, technically, she didnt do anything, I muttered, well aware of the bitterness
in my voice.
Exactly, was his response, causing me to frown. She shouldve done
something, but she didnt. Thats why Im so fucking pissed. That bitch doesnt
deserve a minute of your time. She should be fucking dead to you.
I blinked, not sure how to respond to that. A part of me was surprised I was able to
just sit here and have this discussion, with Emmett of all people. In a way, I could
see his point, and I would be lying if I said I didnt agree with him, at least on
some level. But it stunned me to realize he felt so strongly about this.
Thats when I knew I wanted him and Alice there today, along with Bella, Carlisle
and Esme. It had taken me a hell of a long time to see it, but they truly were on my
side. All of them. And it felt fucking good. I took a deep breath, and looked him
right in the eyes. She is dead to me. And its about fucking time I tell her.
Understanding flashed across his face, and he nodded in acceptance. Yeah, I get
it. A pause. You know, I really do want to come today. Alice too. But if you
dont want us to be there, Im not going to hold it against you. Its totally up to
you. Just... he hesitated, ...give me a chance to be a brother.
I fought to speak around the lump forming in my throat, getting a hell of a lot
more emotional by his selfless request than I would ever admit out loud. Yeah, I...
Id like that. You can come, both of you.
The relieved and happy grin on his face spoke volumes, and there was really no
need to say anything else.
The rest of the morning passed in a rush. Everyone seemed kind of nervous around
me, but clearly struggled not to let it show. Bella showed up just past noon,
looking pale and tired, but she still gave me a smile that made me feel all warm
inside, slipping her arms around me and holding on like she never wanted to let
go. I wouldnt have any problem with that.
Since we wouldnt all fit in one car, it was decided that Alice and Emmett would

take Emmetts jeep, so that Bella could ride with the rest of us. Not sure why, but
the drive to Port Angeles seemed to go a lot faster than usual, and before I knew it,
Carlisle had already parked the car and turned off the engine, stating we had
arrived at our destination.
Somehow, for the last couple of days, I had managed to avoid thinking too much
about what was coming, pushing it all to the back of my mind, but as soon as we
entered the building and headed for Angelas office on the second floor, it all hit
me with full force. I was just about to face my mother, for the first time in seven
years. And surprisingly I wasnt scared, nor nervous. If anything, I just felt numb.
We were supposed to see Angela alone at first, before she would join us. Carlisle
had explained that it was Angelas idea, that it would give her a chance to meet us
all together as a family and be able to answer any questions or thoughts we might
have before it was time for the confrontation. I figured it made sense.
Although we were a bit early, it only took a few minutes before the door to the
office opened, and Angela greeted us with a soft smile, asking us to step inside.
Once we were all seated, and Alice and Emmett had been introduced to Angela,
she folded her hands in her lap and watched us all with a serious expression on her
face.
Its nice to finally see all of the Cullen family together, she started calmly.
Emmett and Alice, its the first time we meet. How do you feel about being here,
under these circumstances?
Casting a brief look at Emmett, Alice spoke up, It feels right, but not necessarily
good. Does that make any sense?
Absolutely, Angela assured her. You have all come here today to support
Edward, but its important to remember that this is a new and stressful situation for
all of you. Thats why I want to point out that your thoughts and feelings matter as
well. You have every right to express your emotions and voice your concern in this
room. In fact, I insist for all of you to be as open as you can, and not hold back.
What does that mean, exactly? Emmett wanted to know. Is it allowed to yell
and curse and stuff, or is that against the rules in here?
The corner of Angelas mouth curled slightly upward. I doubt any profanities you
could come up with would surprise me, seeing how Ive most likely heard it all
before. Emmett snorted, but seemed somewhat impressed by her answer. I just
rolled my eyes.

What about violence? Alice asked in a low voice. Is that okay as well? Can I
slap her or something?
Alice... Esme began, a hint of disapproval in her voice, but Angela raised a hand
to stop her.
She turned back to Alice. Id rather you didnt. Also, it might be a good idea to
try and keep any possible name-calling to a minimum. A pause. I sense a lot of
hostility towards Elizabeth, from both of you. Her eyes went from Alice to
Emmett. Am I correct? Is there anything youd like to share with the rest of us
before she gets here? They both stayed silent, throwing helpless looks at each
other.
I tuned them all out and glanced at Bella who was sitting next to me on the couch,
holding my hand tightly in hers. She looked tense, apprehensive, and I couldnt
exactly blame her. It hit me that the room seemed overcrowded already, and I
found myself wondering how it would be when she showed up.
I realized a part of me sort of wished she wouldnt. At the same time I wanted to
confront her, demand some answers. I knew I probably should be a lot more
anxious than I was, but I still felt next to nothing, except a longing for it all to be
over and done with. Like Carlisle had said - I wanted closure. And it looked like I
was about to get it.
Bella nudged me softly, and I gave her a look of confusion before I heard Angela
patiently call out my name, and realized she had been speaking to me. Sorry.
What?
You havent said anything so far. Mind telling us whats on your mind? Angela
watched me expectantly. I just shrugged, not sure how to respond. She leaned
forward in her seat. Edward, youre about to face your biological mother. I can
tell you have a lot of love and support in this room, but theres still a most
sensitive and intense confrontation about to take place. Are you ready for this?
Sure, I responded automatically, not really taking her question under
consideration. It wasnt like I had any choice - I had to be. After all, all I had to do
was see her. Talk to her. She was no threat to me. I still felt almost eerily calm, and
deep down, it kind of bothered me. I should be freaking out, but I wasnt. This
numbness didnt seem completely healthy to me, but at the same time, I welcomed
it.
Sometimes it was just so much easier not to feel. I knew this from experience.

I was vaguely aware of Carlisle speaking up, asking Angela something, but I
didnt really listen. As much as I tried to imagine her - my mother - on the other
side of the door, the mere thought seemed surreal to me. Maybe that was the
reason I wasnt panicking. Maybe on some level, I didnt believe this meeting was
actually happening.
Was she really here? Honestly, why would she be? She didnt care about me.
Maybe she was dead to me now, but I had never meant a fucking thing to her. She
should have protected me, but I clearly wasnt worth the effort. She owed me this.
She owed me fucking answers. Then she could drop dead for all I cared.
Just remember, son, were here on your terms. Carlisles voice snapped me out
of my thoughts, and I turned to look at him. At any time, if it gets too much for
you, just say the word, and were leaving. I understand why you feel you need to
do this, but you can always change your mind. You dont have to go through with
it. He looked at Angela for support, and she nodded in agreement.
I can handle it, I told him sourly, wishing he would just drop it. I wasnt stupid I knew there was no one forcing me to do this.
Do you know what you want to say when she gets here? Angela asked. I
mumbled a sure, shrugging nonchalantly. She studied me closely for a moment,
and I stubbornly held her gaze.
If you want your family to step outside at some time during the meeting, just say
so, she continued. I will remain in the room, but Im going to stay in the
background, and I wont listen in to your conversation if you ask me not to. You
have the right to privacy, if thats what you want. As I just grunted in
acknowledgment, I felt Bella tense up next to me, and knew she wouldnt leave
without a fight.
Obviously understanding that I wasnt going to say anything more, Angela finally
nodded in acceptance. All right, Im going to call Elizabeth in here. Excuse me
for a moment. She got up and headed for her desk, and pressed a button on the
intercom. A low, buzzing sound could be heard.
This was it. I looked around the room, noting how pale and uneasy everybody
looked. Maybe they were hoping I would change my mind, so they wouldnt have
to go through this. Well, too bad. I hadnt asked any of them to be here, at least not
before they had offered. Except for Bella, though. I cast a glance at my girl, who
looked ready to pass out.
As I squeezed her hand, our eyes met, and I saw shame flash across her face. I

held back a sigh, knowing she wanted to be strong for me.

Send her in, please, I heard Angela say, and I sucked in a breath as I turned my
eyes to the door, waiting expectantly for it to open.
Peoples appearances could change a lot in seven years, and more than once, I had
wondered if I would even recognize her when I saw her. Several times lately, I had
tried to picture my mothers face in my head, but the only image I would get was
of her back, as she walked away from me. I had never told anyone about that - for
some reason, it made me feel ashamed. I wasnt really sure why.
I dont know what I had been expecting, but I still felt no fear or anxiety as the
door slowly opened, and Elizabeth stepped into the room. My first thought was
that she looked old, much older than I had imagined. Her eyes were the same, but
at the same time, different. I found myself unable to look away.
Angela quickly took command of the situation. Hello, Elizabeth. Please, have a
seat. Im Dr. Angela Weber, and as you know, Ive been asked to supervise this
meeting. Before we start, do you have any questions? She shook her head, and it
hit me that she had yet to look directly at me. For some reason, it made me angry,
and my eyes bore into her, willing her to face me. But she kept her eyes on Angela.
Carlisle cleared his throat. Elizabeth. Its been a long time. She turned to look at
him. I could feel everyones eyes on me, knowing they were waiting for some kind
of reaction. I opened my mouth, only to find that no words would come. My heart
started beating faster, and it took a moment before I realized I had started
squeezing Bellas hand much tighter. I vaguely heard Angela introducing
everyone.
And then, for the first time, Elizabeth spoke up, my name rolling over her lips.
Edward?
It was her voice - so achingly and hauntingly familiar - that finally snapped me out
of the daze. Just like that, I was brutally forced back to reality. And it all came
crashing down on me.

Chapter 108
BPOV

Edwards behavior of late bothered me. He seemed so eager to convince everyone

he was ready to face his mother, and I didnt have the heart to express my doubts.
It wasnt that I didnt believe in him - he obviously thought he was ready - but I
feared he was subconsciously pushing his true feelings aside in order to protect
himself. It wouldnt be the first time.
More than once, I had considered going to Carlisle and ask for his opinion on the
matter, but every time I went to him, I sort of felt like I was going behind
Edwards back, even though I only had his best in mind. So, in the end, I had
forced myself to let it be, telling myself to just have faith in Edward.
I had tried to imagine how meeting Elizabeth would play out, wanting to mentally
prepare myself, but the whole situation felt unnatural, to say the least. It seemed so
strange, the idea of me, Edward and the rest of his family, sitting in Angelas office
and having a conversation with Edwards biological mother. I wondered how she
would act around us. This had to be hard for her as well, not that I actually cared.
But when Elizabeth entered the office, I quickly pushed all thoughts to the back of
my mind and focused on Edwards reaction. I had to admit he surprised me at first
- appearing to be completely indifferent as he simply watched the woman in front
of him with a blank expression on his face. But when Angela started talking, I
noticed a slight change in his behavior.
The way he tightened his grip on my hand until the pressure became painful was a
safe sign of his growing agitation, and I could hear his breathing picking up, but I
struggled to remain calm. As much as I wanted to drag Edward out of the room
and save him from all this, I knew it wasnt my place. This was something he
needed to do, and all I could do was to just stay close and support him.
And even more importantly - be there to pick up the pieces when it was all over.
The tension in the room was so thick you could cut it with a knife, and the
temperature seemed to have dropped several degrees, although I suspected that
was just my imagination. As Elizabeth finally addressed Edward, I watched how
all color left his face, and he started shaking. I half expected him to jump up and
bolt, but he remained where he was, as if frozen in shock.
Edward? I tried, placing my free hand on his arm, but he made absolutely no
sign of acknowledgment. Instead he just kept staring at her with wide eyes, all the
while gasping rapidly, as if struggling for air.
As my eyes were locked on Edward, I couldnt see the expression on Elizabeths
face, but when she spoke again, I didnt miss the confusion in her voice. What-

whats wrong with him? she asked nervously, causing me to see red, and I just
wanted to run over there and punch her. Of course, I couldnt, because then I
would have to move away from Edward, and that was just not acceptable.
It turned out that I was not the only one infuriated by her thoughtless and ignorant
question. Theres nothing wrong with him, you stupid bitch! Emmett growled,
jumping up from his seat and moving across the room, effectively placing himself
between Edward and Elizabeth, in an attempt to protect his brother. In that
moment, I just wanted to hug him.
Carlisle acted quickly, crouching down in front of Edward and placed both hands
carefully on his knees. Its all right, son, just breathe. Were all here, youre okay.
Do you hear me?
I heard a soft sniffle and raised my head, my eyes landing on Esme who covered
her mouth with her hand, as if to keep from crying. Alice was sitting straight up in
her seat, her hands gripping the armrests, and I could tell she wanted to move
closer to Edward as well. Angela remained silent, quietly observing the scene
playing out in front of her. I couldnt decide whether to be relieved that she was
acting so calmly about the whole thing, or upset that she wouldnt do anything.
Swallowing hard, I raised my hand to cup Edwards cheek, gently turning his head
in my direction. At first he just seemed to look straight through me, his eyes glassy
and unresponsive. I spoke his name softly, my voice cracking, and after what felt
like an eternity, he finally inhaled sharply and blinked a couple of times. I nearly
cried in relief when I realized his eyes were now focused on me.
Bella? he whispered hoarsely. A single tear slid down my face as his cold and
trembling hand flew up to grab mine, still on his cheek, and he pressed his face
harder into my palm, as if wanting to make sure I wouldnt pull away and break
the contact. He was still shaking, but at least his breathing was coming out more
even and steady.
Im right here, everythings okay, I murmured soothingly, leaning in to rest my
forehead against his. His eyes closed briefly, and he took a couple of deep breaths.
Then I watched how he frowned and pulled back slightly, turning his head to look
at Carlisle, who was still kneeling on the floor in front of him.
Are you feeling better, son? Carlisle asked softly, not quite able to keep the
concern out of his voice. Do you need to get out of here?
Edward shook his head slowly, his hands still grasping mine, only slightly less
tightly than before. Im okay, he mumbled. Then he raised his head, his eyes

searching the room until they landed on Elizabeth, who was sitting stiff in her
chair, awkwardly wringing her hands in her lap and keeping her eyes downward.
But she must have sensed Edwards gaze, because suddenly she looked up.
In that moment, I was almost certain I saw pain in her eyes. Had it been anyone
else, I might have felt bad for her. As it was now, I couldnt bring myself to care.
She would never get any sympathy from me.
Angela suddenly spoke up from across the room, Elizabeth, Edward suffers from
post-traumatic stress disorder, or PTSD. Are you familiar with that term?
Elizabeth glanced at her for a moment, then turned back to Edward. Slowly she
nodded. I know what that is. Edward tilted his head to the side as she spoke, but
remained silent. Luckily, he seemed calmer now than he had been a couple of
minutes ago, although I could tell he was not completely relaxed, not that it
surprised me.
Carlisle stood up and returned to his place on the couch, on Edwards other side. I
noticed that Emmett remained standing in the middle of the room, looking
conflicted as his eyes darted between Edward and Elizabeth, as if not sure what to
do. Carlisle noticed this as well, and let out a sigh. Emmett, its all right. You can
sit down. Edwards eyes turned to his brother, and I could see confusion on his
face.
Emmett hesitated for a moment, obviously still torn, but finally obeyed and
slumped back down on his chair next to Alice. The two of them exchanged a look,
and she reached out to pat his arm. It wasnt lost on me how he kept glaring at
Elizabeth, and I hoped Edward realized what a fierce protector he had won in
Emmett.
Almost a minute passed in awkward silence before Elizabeth spoke again, her
voice low and uncertain. You look... she hesitated, studying Edward with an
almost wary look on her face, ...good. All grown up.
I cast a look at Edward, half expecting him to ignore her statement. But he
surprised me by responding, his voice cold. Its been seven years. What did you
expect?
She looked taken aback, but I had to give her some credit for not backing down.
So, how are you? I watched how his eyes narrowed and held my breath as I
waited for his answer, and I had a feeling everyone else in the room did the same.
A part of me expected him to start yelling at her any moment, knowing it wouldnt
take much to set him off.

Edwards voice trembled slightly as he responded, matter-of-factly, Fucked up.

You?
Elizabeth blinked in surprise, quickly glancing around the room. Her mouth
opened and then closed again, as she was clearly at a loss for words. Finally she
seemed to find her voice again, although she kept her eyes on her hands. Ive
been better, she admitted quietly. A pause, and then, To be honest, Im surprised
you wanted to see me after all this time.
This time Edward didnt respond, instead just watching her apathetically, and I
feared he was slipping away again. That was when Angela once again reminded us
all of her presence, and I was relieved when Edward immediately turned his eyes
to her as she addressed him, Edward, you had some things you wanted to say to
Elizabeth. Heres your chance.
OoO
EPOV
This was not how I had imagined this meeting to turn out in my head. I was going
to face my mother once and for all, demand that she explain why she never lifted a
finger to stop James from hurting me all those years, but the moment she opened
her mouth, I just froze. And now, to my horror, as much as I tried to force the
words, any words out, my mind seemed to have gone completely blank.
It suddenly hit me that I didnt feel comfortable speaking my mind in front of my
family, no matter how good it felt to have them here by my side. I couldnt ask her
why she had allowed James to do those things to me, because I didnt want them
to hear her say what I had feared all along - that I deserved it. The shame and
humiliation would destroy me for sure.
I struggled against the panic threatening to well up and overwhelm me, and I felt a
desperate urge to get up and run. But I knew that was not an option. I threw a
pleading look at Bella, silently begging her to help me, even though I already
knew she couldnt. Nobody in this room could. This was not their battle to fight it was mine. And I was losing.
How did I ever fool myself into thinking I could actually go through with this? I
was obviously nowhere near strong enough. It was pathetic, and I hated myself for

it. But I just couldnt bring myself to open my mouth and confront her. I had been
so certain I could do it, but now it seemed like I was wrong.
My eyes were stinging with tears of anger and self-loathing, but I flat out refused
to let them fall. The truth was, I would rather die than break down and cry in front
of her. I may not have much dignity left, but Id be damned if I would ever let her
see me fall apart like that. In fact, the mere thought of her witnessing me at my
weakest made me feel sick to my stomach.
I felt Bellas arm discreetly slip around my waist, as if she could sense I was in a
desperate need of contact, and I gratefully leaned into her touch, eager to accept
the comfort she was offering. She always knew just how to make me feel better,
but as much as I wanted to just curl up in her arms and beg her to make it all go
away, I knew it was impossible.
More than anything, I wanted - hell, needed - to be strong and stand up for myself.
But I just didnt think I had it in me. It made me both depressed and furious at the
same time.
I was taken off guard when Elizabeth suddenly spoke again, and judging by her
stiff posture and downcast head, I got the feeling she felt every bit as awkward as
me. Can Edward and I talk alone for a moment? she asked, giving Angela a
hopeful look. Angela opened her mouth, but was interrupted before she got the
chance to respond.
Absolutely not! Esme exclaimed loudly, causing me to frown as she rarely
raised her voice. When I turned to look at her, I was surprised by her furious
expression.
Esme... Angela started, but was once again cut off, this time by Elizabeth.
I just thought it would make things a little less uncomfortable for all of us, she
explained in a strained voice.
Esme gave her a hard look, causing her to shrink back in her seat. Frankly,
Elizabeth, my family is not the problem here. Things are only uncomfortable
because of you, and youre delusional if you think for one second that I would
ever leave you alone with my boy. I noticed how Carlisle leaned over to take her
hand, mumbling something in her ear, and she closed her eyes for a moment.
When she opened them again, they were shining with tears.
As I looked around the room at my family, I could sense the same feeling of pain
and helplessness in all of them, and I knew then that I had their full support, no

matter what. Elizabeth was the outcast here, not me. They all resented her because
of her actions, and none of them would hesitate to come to my defense if I needed
it. In that moment, I knew what I had to do.
Ill talk to her. You can all wait outside. I realized I sounded more confident then
I really was, which was actually a relief. Esme opened her mouth, no doubt about
to object, but I held up a hand to stop her, silently begging her to understand. Its
okay. I need to do this. Just give me ten minutes with her. Then we can all go
home.
Are you sure? Carlisle asked softly. I nodded. Well, its up to you, son. If
youre absolutely certain thats what you want, then we wont stand in your way.
He paused. Angela will stay, though. And well be right outside. Despite his
words, I could tell he was reluctant to leave, but I was grateful he was being so
understanding.
Esme still looked close to tears, but she finally seemed to accept my decision,
because she didnt protest again. Alice and Emmett didnt look pleased either, but
they both remained silent. I didnt miss the hateful glares they kept sending
Elizabeth, and I knew they didnt want to leave anymore than Carlisle and Esme
did. And yet, none of them put up a fight. They knew my mind was made up.
Bella was a different matter, though. I hadnt expected her to just accept things and
agree so easily, and I wasnt disappointed by her reaction. She moved so close to
me that she was nearly in my lap, clinging tightly to my hand, and stubbornly
raised her chin, declaring, Well, Im not going anywhere.
A part of me almost gave in, asking her to stay. I didnt doubt for a second that I
would feel much more safe and calm with her in the room, but I also knew that I
couldnt have Bella protect me forever. It wouldnt be fair to either of us in the
long run. If I ever wanted to become a whole person, I needed to face my fears, by
myself.
So I took a deep breath, and looked her right in the eyes. No, Bella, I need you to
go outside with the others. Its not that I dont want you here, but I have to talk to
her alone. Please understand. I promise, Ill be okay. I wasnt sure which one of
us I was trying the hardest to convince, but it didnt really matter. While I was still
scared, I was also determined. I was going to finish this, once and for all.
Then I would never have to see or speak to my mother again. And hopefully I
would finally be able to move on with my life. It was a long shot, and I knew it.
But it was all I had.

Bella swallowed visibly, and I could see the conflict in her eyes. She bit her lip,
and when she finally spoke, her voice was trembling. Okay. I understand. But
She swallowed again. I dont want to leave you, she whispered then, her pained
expression telling me that it killed her that I wouldnt let her stay. I knew she
would leave, though, because I asked her to. And she would do anything for me.
I know you dont, I told her quietly. Just be there when Im done? She nodded
without hesitation, and I leaned in to brush my lips against hers. For a few
seconds, I felt like Bella and I were the only two people in the room. Possibly in
the whole world. Sadly, but not surprisingly, the moment didnt last very long.
I kept my head down as they all - except for Angela and Elizabeth - rose and left
the room, refusing to look at anyone, because I feared that if I did, I would lose my
courage and beg them to stay. When I heard the door close gently behind the last
one of them, I silently counted to five before raising my head again.
Then I turned to Elizabeth, willing my voice not to betray me by trembling. Do
you have anything to say to me? I noted that Angela had gotten up and moved to
the far side of the room, clearly in an attempt to give us some privacy.
Honestly, Im not really sure what you want from me. Elizabeth ran her fingers
nervously through her hair, and I realized it was getting thin and grey by her
temples. It hit me again how much she seemed to have aged since I last saw her,
and yet she could only be in her early forties. But she looked worn out and tired.
She sighed. I was never fit to be a mother. Im sure youve been better off
without me.
I blinked in surprise at her statement, having not expected her to be so blunt about
it. For some reason, it made me angry. Fucking right, I have, I muttered.
I realize things got out of hand. She was quiet for a moment. Would it make
you feel better to know Ive been miserable for most of my adult life? Some days I
could barely bring myself to get up in the morning. There were times when I
wished I could have done more, but it was just too hard. In the end, I think it all
worked out for the best. For you, anyway.
Excuse me? I stared at her in disbelief.
You got away. She paused. Dr. and Mrs. Cullen gave you a new home, a new
family. I, on the other hand, ended up losing everything. You cant imagine what it
was like.
Are you fucking serious? I jumped up from the couch. You want my sympathy,

is that it? Think I got away easy? Your asshole of a husband beat me up and
fucking raped me for years! And what the fuck did you do? Nothing! I stood
there, panting, with my fists clenched, and it took a moment before my words had
registered in my head. Elizabeth looked absolutely stunned by my outburst.
I was vaguely aware of Angela moving towards me, but was still a bit startled
when she spoke, Edward, take a deep breath and try to calm down. You have
every right to be angry, but remember, if you want answers, you need to be able to
listen to Elizabeths side of the story. She turned to Elizabeth. Edward has a lot
of built up anger inside, and its directed at you. Do you understand why?
I... Elizabeth wrung her hands, looking everywhere but at me. I suppose he
blames me... for what my husband did. But I swear, I never encouraged him.
James was... She swallowed. I guess Edward brought out the worst in him. They
never got along. I dont know why.
Are you fucking stupid? I growled incredulously. You know what he did to me!
You were there!
My voice cracked, much to my horror, but it didnt stop me from continuing, You
let him hurt me, again and again, and you never once came to check on me when
he was done. He said I deserved it because I was bad, and you never told me
otherwise. For all I know, you agreed with him. But I never knew what I did
wrong. So, tell me! What did I ever do to deserve that?
Elizabeth shook her head. You didnt deserve to be treated like that. He insisted
you kept provoking him, and I... She hesitated. I was weak. It was easier to just
look the other way.
Yeah, easier for you! I glared at her. You never did a fucking thing to stop him.
And now you say I didnt deserve it? If thats so, then how the fuck could you live
with yourself? How could you not CARE ?!
She lowered her eyes. I dont know what you want me to say. What he did was
wrong. Im sorry.
Sorry for what? I demanded, running on pure adrenaline now, and I knew that if
I stopped to think, even for a moment, the raw fury inside me would simply
consume me. Sorry for never giving a fuck about me, or for letting that bastard
break me beyond fucking repair, just because he got off on causing me pain? He
had no right to hurt me, and you had no fucking right to let him! It was never my
fault!

It was never my fault. The words echoed in my head and I fell silent, allowing
them to sink in. In that moment, I knew it was the truth. James was the bad one,
not me. It had never been me.
Suddenly, I didnt need to hear anymore. I didnt care what she had to say for
herself, and I certainly didnt want another meaningless apology. My mother had
never cared about me. It was a simple fact. But it wasnt because I was bad. She
was sick, screwed up in the head. Even now, after all this time, she was partly
living in denial. I had to agree with her on one thing, though. I was better off
without her.
Elizabeth said something, to me or to Angela, but I had stopped listening. Now I
just wanted to go home. Maybe there were still things left unsaid, but it didnt
matter. I was done, and now I was going to turn my back at my so called mother,
leave her behind me and not look back once.
This time, she would get to watch me walk away, instead of the other way around.

Chapter 109
BPOV
Why dont you sit down, Bella? Carlisle suggested softly. I didnt want to sit,
but I got the feeling he feared I might burst through the door and run back into
Angelas office at any moment, so I held back a sigh and complied, just to appease
him. As I was too worried and agitated to sit still, I kept fidgeting in my seat.
When I raised my head, I found myself looking into Carlisles sympathetic eyes.
Edward will be okay, he told me quietly. I just nodded, praying he was right. He
went on, You know, I was actually hoping for this. I wasnt sure hed gather
enough courage to face her by himself, but Im glad he did.
Well, I dont like it, Esme stated from her seat next to her husband, and I turned
to look at her. Just the thought of him alone in there, with that horrible woman...
She shook her head. Carlisle, please tell me we did the right thing by leaving. I
could tell she was on the verge of tears, and I didnt blame her. I felt like crying
myself.
It was the right thing, he assured her, gently patting her hand. And hes not
alone, remember? Angela is in there with him.

But shes not family, Alice protested, crossing her arms over her chest. I mean,
she seems nice and all, but shes practically a stranger.
To you, yes, but not to Edward, Carlisle reminded her. Hes been seeing her for
quite some time now, and hes comfortable with her. And shes fully capable of
handling this. He paused. In fact, Angela opted for this all along. She knew he
wouldnt be able to confront Elizabeth with the rest of us in the room, and frankly,
I felt the same way. But we agreed it had to be his decision.
Esme sighed, sweeping her thumb under her eye to brush away a stray tear. You
told me this, and I tried to keep an open mind. Its not that I dont understand,
because I do see your point. But its still killing me. I dont care that Elizabeth is
the one who gave birth to him - Edward is my boy, and I just want to protect him.
Walking out of that room made me feel like I was betraying him.
I swallowed hard. Hearing Esmes tearful confession absolutely broke my heart,
her feelings mirroring my own. It didnt matter that Edward had been the one
asking me to leave; I still felt like I had abandoned him. More than anything, I
wished he had let me stay, but at the same time, I understood why he wouldnt. He
knew he couldnt lean on me forever.
Deep down, I believed Carlisle was right when he said it was the right thing, and I
knew Edward didnt see our reluctant departure as betrayal. But still, I wouldnt be
able to relax until I had seen with my own eyes that he was all right. I cast an
impatient look at the closed door, and then at my watch. Ten minutes, Edward had
said. It seemed more like ten hours.
Emmett had been silent since we'd left Angelas office, and now I glanced at him,
realizing he had taken a seat a couple of feet away, distancing himself from the
rest of us. He seemed lost in his thoughts, and I wondered what was going through
his mind in that moment. I wasnt going to ask, though, his body language making
it more than clear that he wasnt in a mood for talking.
It was hard for me too, dear, Carlisle admitted in response to Esmes statement.
But we all need to remember that - no matter how badly we want to - we cant
fight Edwards demons for him. He has to make peace with his past in order to
move on, and we need to have faith in him, trust that he will allow us to love and
support him when hes ready. I believe he will let us know when he needs us.
No one argued with that.
For a couple of minutes, we all just sat there in silence, and I figured each of us

were occupied with our own thoughts. I was becoming more and more restless, but
I tried to stay as calm as possible. Suddenly the door opened, and I instinctively
jumped up and took a step forward, almost tripping over my feet in the process.
When Edward stepped out of the office, I nearly cried in pure relief, and all but
rushed over to him. I just wanted to throw myself in his arms and hold him
forever, but I struggled to contain myself and took a moment to study his face,
trying to determine his state of mind. I noted that he looked tired, but other than
that, I couldnt really read his expression.
Are you okay, baby? I asked quietly, only hesitating for a second before slipping
my arms around him. The others had gotten up as well, but with the exception of
Esme, they kept their distance. I sensed her presence as she had walked up behind
us, and I knew she was dying to give Edward a hug as well. For her sake, I hoped
he would let her.
Edward hugged me back briefly, and I tried not to be too disappointed when he let
his arms drop and pulled back a little. Yeah, Im fine, he told me, only I couldnt
decide whether or not he actually meant it. He cast a look over his shoulder, and I
got the feeling he was eager to leave.
I stepped aside as I felt Esme move past me, realizing her patience was up, and
watched her tentatively reach out to Edward, slowly opening her arms with a
cautious, yet hopeful look on her face. I let out the breath I had been holding when
he moved forward, letting her embrace him without protests. She said something
to him and he mumbled something in response.
Then he took a step back, once again looking over his shoulder almost nervously,
and then turned to look at Carlisle. Angela wants to see you.
Oh, of course. Carlisle nodded in understanding. He hesitated for a moment, as
if waiting for Edward to say something more, but when it didnt happen, he
insisted he wouldnt be long and headed for Angelas office.
Edward, what- I started, eager to find out what happened with Elizabeth, but to
my surprise, he cut me off.
Later, he told me curtly, and when Carlisle opened the door and slipped into the
office, I could see something close to desperation in his eyes. I need some fresh
air, he declared, leaving no room for objection as he started walking away
without waiting for any response. I quickly excused myself and hurried after him,
after assuring Esme wed be waiting by the car when they got out.

I found Edward pacing in the parking lot. When I reached him, he looked a bit
relieved, as if he had hoped I would follow him. Before I got the chance to say
anything, he spoke up, running his fingers nervously through his hair. Im sorry, I
just had to get out of there, he explained hurriedly, hesitating for a moment before
adding, Before she comes out. I dont wanna see her again.
It all made sense to me now, his nervous behavior and eagerness to leave the
building. I slipped my hand into his, squeezing it softly. Tell me what happened?
He shook his head. Not now. I didnt miss the pleading note in his voice.
Please, Bella. I promise, Ill tell you later. Just not right now.
Im sorry. I bit my lip. Im being all pushy. You dont have to tell me anything
if you dont want to. What happened in there is none of my business. You dont
owe me any explanation. Just remember that Im here to listen if you ever do want
to talk about it.
It killed me to say those words, not because I was dying to still my curiosity, but
because I hated the thought of him closing up and keeping it all to himself. I
genuinely believed he needed to let it out, even if it would be painful. But I
couldnt force him to talk to me. I had learned to accept that it had to be on his
terms.
The drive back to Forks was quiet. I held Edwards hand in mine the whole time,
and he seemed happy with the contact, although he didnt say much. More than
once, I caught Carlisle looking at him in the rearview mirror, unable to hide the
concern in his eyes, but he kept silent.
When we finally got back to the Cullen residence, Carlisle told me he would call
my dad and let him know we were back. He didnt say straight out that I was
welcome to spend the night, but somehow it was just assumed that I wouldnt be
going home. I figured they all realized I wouldnt want to leave Edwards side
tonight.
Esme offered to make us some snacks and suggested wed all watch a movie or
something together, no doubt hoping to pull Edward out of his absent state, but he
told her firmly - without being rude about it - that he just wanted to go upstairs and
rest. She didnt object, but I could tell she was disappointed that he wasnt ready to
open up to her, although she tried not to let it show.
I asked him if I could come upstairs with him, or if he wanted to be left alone,
slightly afraid of his answer. If he needed space, I would give it to him, but I truly
hoped he would accept my staying. He seemed calm enough, but I suspected he

had to be struggling with a whirlwind of emotions inside, and I just couldnt bear
the thought of him all alone in his room, trying to process it all. I knew he needed
me.
To my relief, he seemed to welcome my company. I didnt really think he was
going to push me away, seeing how he had agreed to tell me what happened, but I
would understand if he needed some time to collect himself and recover from the
events of this afternoon. Seeing his mother again after all these years had to be
extremely overwhelming, and I couldnt imagine what was going on in his mind
right now.
Once we were up in Edwards room, I wasnt really sure what to do. He still didnt
seem ready to talk, and I didnt know whether to try to distract him in an attempt
to get his mind off things, or to just let him be for now. In the end, I figured I
would just have to trust him to let me know what he needed from me.
For the next hour or so, Edward remained quiet and partly lost in his thoughts, but
not completely closed off, like I had first feared. He complied without objection
when I suggested wed put on some music - just to break the silence before it
became unbearable - and he even responded when I started talking about
something trivial, but I could tell his heart was not really in it.
Carlisle knocked on the door at one point, peeking his head in and asking if
everything was all right. Edward calmly told him that everything was fine. Carlisle
didnt look totally convinced - and neither was I, for that matter - but he simply
nodded in acceptance and reminded us that he and Esme were just downstairs if
we needed them.
I could have been mistaken, but I thought I heard the sound of footsteps outside
the door a couple of times after that, as if he - or Esme - repeatedly came to check
on us, but no one knocked again.
Finally, after what seemed like an eternity, Edward turned to look at me, and I
thought I saw something flash in his eyes, but whatever it was, it was gone the
next second. She told me she was sorry. And she admitted what James did to me
was wrong, that I didnt deserve it. I blinked in surprise, waiting for him to go on,
but he didnt say anything more, just looking at me as if checking for my reaction.
I took a deep breath, willing my voice to hold. Shes right, baby. Theyre the ones
to blame, not you. It was never you.
Yeah, I know. He was quiet for a moment. Theyre both sick. I realize that
now.

I watched his face closely, searching for some kind of emotion to follow his
revelation - sadness, anger, anything - but there was absolutely nothing. It
bothered me, but I didnt know if I should say something. At least he was talking
now. And he was finally accepting the truth, which was a good thing. Like Angela
would say - this was progress. I could hardly ask for more.
What else did you talk about? I asked carefully, hoping I wasnt overstepping
my bounds. After all, he was slowly opening up, and I had a feeling he might need
some encouragement to continue.
He shrugged. She said she was never fit to be a mother. That I was better off
without her. A somewhat bitter laugh escaped him. Cant really argue with that,
can I?
I worried my lip between my teeth, choosing my next words wisely before shaking
my head in agreement. No, I guess not. You got a new family, who would do
anything for you. All of them. You know that, right? They love you. I held my
breath as I waited for his answer.
Yeah, they love me, he echoed. His response was quick, automatic, reminding
me of a robot. How I wished he would just show some emotion. As the evening
passed, darkness slowly seeping into the room, I kept asking carefully chosen
questions every now and then, and he would respond in the same monotone voice,
never once revealing how he really felt about the whole thing.
Again, I told myself to be grateful he was speaking to me about it at all. Maybe
this was just his way of showing he was dealing with everything. Maybe he had
simply accepted the past for what it was, and was finally ready to move on. Maybe
I was worrying for nothing. After all, he had handled the confrontation with
Elizabeth much better than anyone could have hoped for.
But deep down, I couldnt help but feel I was only fooling myself by thinking the
worst might be over. It turned out I was right.
Ever since we came home, Edward had been eerily calm and still, barely moving
at all. But all of a sudden, he jumped up and started pacing the room, and I
watched with a sinking feeling how his eyes darkened. Not really sure what to
expect, I slowly got up as well, speaking his name softly, Edward?
He stopped in his tracks, and when he looked at me, I was startled by the pure rage
I could see in his eyes. It all happened so fast, it was like turning a light switch one moment he had been next to apathetic, and the next, it all seemed to hit him

with full force. They fucking ruined my life! he growled, clenching his fists. I
was just a kid! He broke me, and she let him. She never even cared!
I gulped, raising my hands in a calming gesture. I know, baby, Im sorry. Look,
I-
She. Never. Fucking. Cared! he yelled, cutting me off mid sentence. They had
no fucking right! I never did anything wrong, I didnt deserve to get punished like
that. He had no right to hit me, to-to rape me! Every fucking time he came into my
room, pushing me down on the floor, ho-holding me down...! He let out a howl of
fury and kicked a chair, causing it to fall over.
Edward, please... I started, then stopped as I had absolutely no idea what to say.
Before I knew it, he had picked up the fallen chair and flung it across the room
with a roar. He was livid now, and I could only watch in horror as he ran around
taking out all his built up wrath on the room, punching the walls and furniture,
grabbing whatever objects he could find and hurling them against the floor and
walls.
I was afraid to stop him, knowing he was in a desperate need of release, but I was
just as afraid to let him go on this way. I didnt fear for myself, only for him,
terrified he would end up causing severe physical damage to himself without even
noticing. Most of all, I was afraid of leaving him alone in the state he was in, even
for a moment, so getting help was unfortunately no option.
Over the time I had known Edward, I had watched him lash out in defense or
anger - at myself or others - suffer serious anxiety and panic attacks, and lose
himself in horrible flashbacks, but this was different. He was fully present,
reacting with pure, uncontrollable fury at the injustice of it all, violently pouring
out his hatred for those who had hurt him. And I could only stand there, watching
him shatter.
And then, just like that, Edward abruptly stopped the destruction of his room, sank
to the floor and let out a gut-wrenching wail of deep anguish. I was crying
helplessly now, finally snapping out of the shock, and stumbling over my feet in
my desperation to get to him.
I dropped to my knees next to him at the exact same moment Carlisle burst into
the room, his face a mixture of torment and sorrow, but no surprise, and that was
when I realized he had been waiting for this, the final inevitable break-down. That
was why he or Esme had been listening outside the door several times tonight,
knowing this was coming. And it hit me that I had known as well.

Within seconds, Carlisle was on the floor beside us, and it stunned me to see the
tears coursing down his face. He tried to put his arms around Edward, to comfort
or to calm him, only to pull back in defeat as he cried out in protest. At first I
thought he was once again lost in the past, but then he spoke, the words coming
out in a stutter between sharp, gasping breaths, Carlisle... he had no right... its
not fair...
My heart was breaking in pieces as I listened to Edwards half sobbing, half
whimpering, and I could feel the raw pain rolling off him in waves. My poor baby
was hurting so badly, and there was nothing I or anyone else could do to take his
pain away. He just had to let it all out. Only then could he truly start to heal.
I know, son, I know, Carlisle agreed, his voice breaking. Its not fair, not at all,
and Im so sorry.
It fucking hurts, Edward sobbed, tugging on his hair. Why... why didnt...
anyone help me? I sniffled loudly as I managed to get a hold of one of his hands,
pressing my lips against his bruised knuckles.
Well help you, sweetie, I promise, Esme assured him tearfully from the
doorway, hesitating only briefly before stepping into the room and making her way
over to us. Were all here, and we will help you. Its over now, and we wont let
anyone hurt you again.
Help me, Edward echoed weakly, collapsing against me as I was finally able to
pull him into my arms, cradling him gently against my chest. I didnt try to speak,
knowing my voice wouldnt hold. Instead I closed my eyes, struggling to compose
myself, and when I opened them again, I noticed both Alice and Emmett had
entered the room, the same tortured expression mirroring their features.
Without a word, they both slowly moved across the room until they reached us,
slumping down on the floor as well. As Esme reached out a trembling hand and
tenderly began stroking Edwards hair, I got the feeling everyone in the room was
holding their breath.
When Edward didnt protest, Carlisle carefully started rubbing his back, mumbling
something I couldnt make out. It appeared as if Edward had heard him, though, as
he let out a soft humming sound of acknowledgment. I noted his eyes were closed
as he rested his head tiredly on my shoulder, and I figured he had to be exhausted.
Who could blame him?
After some hesitation. Emmett placed his hand lightly on his brothers shoulder,
and Alice tentatively reached for Edwards hand. In that moment - with all of us

touching him one way or another, and not once did he object - it suddenly hit me.
In that moment, I just knew.
Everything was going to be okay.

Chapter 110
EPOV
I didnt remember going to bed - not very surprising, seeing how last night was
mostly a blur to me - but thats where I woke up the next morning, with Bellas
warm body wrapped securely around me. She was still sound asleep, her face
perfectly relaxed and peaceful, and for a couple of minutes, I just laid there
watching her quietly.
Then I rolled over - careful not to disturb her - and looked at my alarm clock,
realizing it was still early. I was a bit surprised, feeling like I had been sleeping for
days, but the red numbers on the clock told me it was just past seven. Still, I felt
well rested, more awake than I could remember feeling in a long time.
As I rolled back towards Bella, studying her still form with a feeling of awe,
memories of last night started coming back to me. I cringed as I recalled trashing
my room in a fit of blind, uncontrollable fury, and I was almost afraid to look
around and take in the destruction I had made.
I remembered finally breaking down, cursing, yelling and crying. After everything
that had happened, it all just became too much, and I found myself unable to hold
it back any longer. Afterwards I felt empty and tired, but for once, not in a bad
way. It was like I had finally gotten an outlet for the burning rage that had been
building up inside me ever since I was a kid, and when I was done letting it all out,
I felt strangely liberated.
Bella never left my side, and at some point during my explosive break-down, my
whole family must have entered the room, because suddenly they were all there,
surrounding me, and all the frustration, anger and despair slowly submitted to a
feeling that was basically foreign to me. It took a while before I recognized it as
peace.
I was brought back to the present as Bella stirred next to me, and the next thing I
knew, her eyes were open and intently focused on me. She gave me a somewhat

hesitant smile, and reached out to brush her fingers gently down my cheek.
Morning, she whispered softly, her voice husky from sleep.
Morning, I echoed, only to grimace when the word came out as a hoarse croak.
As liberating as it was to scream, rant and get rid of pent up rage, it sure made my
throat feel like shit the next day.
She watched my face closely, clearly trying to read my expression. Have you
been awake long? How are you feeling?
I took a moment to contemplate her question. Woke up about ten minutes ago, I
think. Then I swallowed a few times, longing for some water, because my mouth
felt like sandpaper. But I didnt want to get up and leave the room - and my girl. I
wanted to savor this moment for as long as I could, seeing how waking up with
Bella always seemed like a small miracle to me.
Bella nodded, her fingers still tenderly stroking my face. And how are you
feeling?
I shrugged. Not sure theres a simple answer to that.
I didnt ask for simple. Her eyes remained locked on mine. Last night was-
Im sorry, I cut her off. Seeing how she opened her mouth, I hurried on, Im
sorry you had to see me like that, but Im glad you were here. I paused. Im glad
youre still here. I swear, Bella, I dont understand how you put up with-
Hey... She placed her fingers gently over my mouth to stop me. You know this,
but Im going to say it anyway. I love you, simple as that. Thats why Im here.
Thats why Ill always be here, through good and bad, ups and downs. Theres
nowhere Id rather be. Trust me on that.
I trust you, I told her sincerely. And to answer your question, I feel okay, right
now. But... I hesitated, unsure of how to explain so it made sense to her. I didnt
black out or anything last night. I remember most of it, except for how I ended up
in bed. I was pissed off, Bella. Truly and completely fucking pissed off, because I
just realized how much of my life Ive missed. How much Ive lost, because of
those two... I squeezed my eyes shut, fighting back the anger threatening to well
up again. They took my fucking childhood away from me, and they made me
think I deserved it. I didnt.
No, you didnt, Bella agreed, swallowing visibly. Im so glad you can finally
see that. You have every right to be angry, and I think its important for you to let it

out. Dont ever apologize for how you feel, baby. Youve come so far, and I
couldnt be more proud of you. I mean that.
I felt a tug at my heart at her words - Bella always had a way of knowing what I
needed to hear. But there was still something she had to understand. Thanks,
love. Look, I meant it when I said I feel better today. But to be honest, Im still
angry. Im not sure itll go away just like that.
She shook her head, tracing her fingers up and down my arm. Edward, nobody
expects you to get over everything thats happened to you, just like that. Itll take
time. A pause. I think you should tell Angela about this at the next session,
though. Shell understand, and she might be able to help you deal with all this. The
anger, I mean.
I nodded absently, having more on my mind. A part of me was surprised by how
easy it had become for me to share my thoughts with Bella these days. I no longer
felt like I had to hide the truth from her, in fact, it was quite the opposite. I wanted
her to understand. I know youre not gonna like what Im about to tell you, but I
need to be honest with you. Just hear me out before you say anything, all right?
Her eyes narrowed slightly and I could see conflict flash across her face, but she
nodded in agreement. I sat up, leaning my head back against the headboard. You
keep saying you love me. Its not that I dont believe you, because I know you
mean it. Its just... I sighed. I have a really hard time understanding why.
As I glanced at her, I saw how her bottom lip quivered and her eyes began to
water. She started to say something, but I shook my head and went on, I know
they are the ones who did that to me, making me feel that way. Please understand,
Bella. I spent so many years thinking there was something wrong with me, that I
was just fucking unlovable. In a way, its still stuck in my head. I cant help it.
Edward... Bella sniffled, sitting up as well and snuggling into my side. Believe
me, baby, youre anything but unlovable. Youre the most beautiful person I have
ever met, inside as well as outside. Its so easy to love you, and Ill be grateful
every day for the rest of my life that you love me back. Sometimes I fear Ill never
be good enough for you, that you deserve so much more than me. Im nothing
special, but Im yours, forever if youll have me that long. She lowered her eyes,
almost shyly.
I swallowed hard, fighting back the tears prickling the corner of my eyes.
Forevers not long enough, I mumbled. But I guess itll have to do.
She smiled shakily, her fingers finding their way to my hair. Seriously, do you

ever think that far ahead into the future? The way her voice trembled slightly
gave me a feeling she was a bit nervous about my response, although I wasnt sure
why. I just nodded, feeling her eyes search mine for confirmation. And what do
you see? she whispered.
You, I told her sincerely. Only you. And to me, youre not just special, Bella.
Youre so much more than that. Youre everything. A tear slid down her cheek
and she leaned in to rest her head against mine. For the next couple of minutes, we
just sat there in silence, as no words seemed necessary.
Finally Bella spoke up again, her voice barely more than a whisper, Im not the
only one who loves you.
I knew she was referring to my family and let out a sigh. Its easy to say the
words back to you, I admitted quietly. But with them... I dont know.
Just because you cant say it yet doesnt mean you dont feel it, she stated, as if
it was obvious. I nodded slowly, allowing her words to sink in. Did I love Carlisle
and Esme? Emmett? Alice? I felt like I should, and deep down, I was pretty sure I
already knew the answer to that. They were my family - my real family.
The family I wished I had been born into from the beginning. I realized it was
pointless to dwell on what could have been, but my mind had already started
wandering in that direction, and there was no going back. I wished Carlisle and
Esme were my biological parents. Then my life would have been completely
different, and I wouldnt be this broken.
That was when Bellas stomach growled, snapping me out of my thoughts, and I
gratefully welcomed the distraction, knowing I was about to let the bitterness drag
me down. She was right - I had to find a way to deal with my pent up anger, or it
would just keep nagging at me until I snapped all over again. I didnt want to live
the rest of my life like that.
I forced myself to push all disturbing thoughts away for now and focus on Bella.
You hungry, love? Wanna go downstairs and get something to eat?
She nodded sheepishly, giving me an apologetic smile. Do you mind?
Of course not. I rolled my eyes. Did she really expect me to let her stay up here
and starve? I could probably eat something myself, but there was something I had
to take care of first. Why dont you just go ahead and start breakfast without me?
Ill join you as soon as I can. Seeing how Bella frowned, I explained, somewhat
awkwardly, I need to tidy up the room a bit first.

Bella looked around, understanding flashing across her face as she took in the
disaster area that was my room. I cringed with embarrassment, wishing there was
a way for me to vent and let my frustration out without tearing the place up every
time. But as much as I hated losing control of myself like that, it just felt so
fucking good to punch things. During my episodes, that was. Afterwards it was
just humiliating.
Oh, well, Ill help you, then, Bella offered quickly, swinging her legs over the
edge of the bed. I noticed she was wearing a bright yellow t-shirt and matching
tights, a sleeping attire she must have borrowed from Alice.
No, Bella, I sighed, causing her to stop in her tracks. It wasnt that I didnt
appreciate her offer, but I refused to let her - or anyone else - clean up after me. I
mean, thanks, but thats okay. I made the mess, and Ill take care of it.
She actually pouted a little. But I just wanna help. You dont have to do it all by
yourself.
I shook my head. Yes, Bella, thats exactly what I have to I do. I break it - I clean
it up. Simple as that. When she didnt respond, just looked at me with an
uncertain expression, I sighed. I know you mean well, but please understand. I
cant let someone else clean up my mess - I need to fix it myself. Dont you see?
I looked away. Its the only way I can live with myself. I hate being this way,
throwing fucking tantrums and destroying things. I dont want to. I just... I
shrugged in defeat, no idea how to explain it to her when I didnt understand it
myself.
Oh, Edward... Bella crawled over to me and wrapped me up in a hug. I slipped
my arms around her waist and buried my face in her hair, enjoying her warmth,
her sweet smell. Hell, I enjoyed everything about her. And by some miracle, she
was all mine.
When she finally pulled back, she gave me a tentative smile, and I knew then that
our discussion was over. She may not always understand my reasoning, but she
selflessly accepted it when she realized what it meant to me. More importantly she accepted me. Words couldnt describe how good that made me feel.
About half an hour later, when my room was pretty much back to normal, I hurried
down the stairs in search of my girl, and found her freshly showered in the
kitchen, munching on a cheese omelette and some toast. It wasnt lost on me how
comfortable she seemed to be in my house these days, even when no one else was
around. She just fit right in, and I loved it. If it was up to me, she would never

leave.
Her face lit up and she smiled as she saw me. Hey, I saved you a seat. Theres
toast, eggs, omelette and coffee. I wasnt sure what youd want, maybe I went a bit
overboard. Her cheeks flushed adorably.
No, its great, Im starving, I assured her, picking up a plate and filling it with
food before plonking myself down on the chair next to her. For a couple of
minutes, we just sat there eating in a comfortable silence. Then it suddenly hit me
that the house seemed a little too quiet. Even if Alice and Emmett liked to sleep in
whenever they could, Carlisle and Esme were usually up by now.
I asked Bella if she had seen any of them this morning, and she nodded, chewing
and swallowing before responding, Esme was here just before you came
downstairs. She said something about going to the grocery store. And I think
Carlisle is in his office. I dont know where Alice and Emmett are, I havent seen
them. I nodded in understanding.
After we had finished our breakfast and cleaned up after us, I asked Bella what she
wanted to do for the rest of the morning, and she suggested wed go for a walk. I
agreed without hesitation, the idea of getting some fresh air sounding most
appealing to me. We ended up strolling up and down the nearly empty streets for
almost two hours, just talking quietly and enjoying each others company.
The best part was that it took my mind off yesterdays stressful events, at least for
a little while.
As much as I wished Bella could just stay with me for the rest of the day, I tried
not to let my disappointment show too much when she told me she should
probably head home and have lunch with her father. I could see her point - while
Charlie had been very supportive of our relationship so far, it was probably a good
idea for Bella to spend at least some time at her own house.
Of course, that didnt mean I had to like it.
When I got back to the house, I found Carlisle waiting for me. He looked relieved
when he saw me. I was wondering where you were. I havent seen you all
morning.
I was just out with Bella, I explained, slumping down on the couch. I brought
my phone, you know. You couldve just called.
Yes, well, I didnt want to bother you, he admitted, studying my face carefully.

He hesitated a little. Are you all right?

I nodded, pulling on a loose thread at the edge of my shirt. Yeah, I feel better
today. When he didnt respond right away, I risked a glance at him. Really, I
do.
Thats good. Im glad to hear that. He was quiet for a moment. Edward, the last
thing I want is for you to feel like Im smothering you, so Im only going to say
this once. Im here for you if you ever want to talk. The same goes for Esme. You
can always come to us, no matter what, and we will do whatever we can to help
you. Do you understand?
I swallowed, trying to speak around the lump in my throat, Yeah. Thank you.
He nodded, looking pleased with my response. After a few seconds of silence, he
went on, Theres something else you should know. As you know, I spoke with
Angela yesterday, after you left. She-
What about her? I cut him off, unable to stop myself. Did you talk to her too?
I figured he would know who I was referring to.
No, Elizabeth left right away. Carlisle suddenly looked angry. It was probably
for the best, or I would have been tempted to say something that would most likely
have me arrested for verbal assault. Shes not worth it.
No, shes not, I agreed quietly, then added, I just wanna forget about her. I
dont wanna see her ever again.
You dont have to. He looked me right in the eyes. Do you regret seeing her?
I shrugged, not sure how to respond to that. While I hadnt exactly gotten the
answers I had hoped for, I still felt like I had been given some kind of closure. I
guess not, I finally told him. Carlisles only response was to place his hand softly
on my arm. I calmly met his eyes, and I knew we both remembered a time - not
too long ago - when such an innocent gesture would have me in a fit of panic.
The quiet was disrupted when all of a sudden Alice and Emmett burst into the
room, talking animatedly, however, they both stopped in their tracks as they
spotted me and Carlisle. Sorry, didnt mean to interrupt anything, Emmett
immediately mumbled apologetically, Alice bashfully nodding in agreement.
Actually... Carlisle glanced at me. I was just about to fill Edward in on what we
discussed yesterday. They both nodded in understanding. Seeing my confusion,

he went on explaining, Angela thought it might be a good idea for the whole
family to come see her together, at least once. It would be like a group session,
with just us, and it would give us all a chance to vent things.
I frowned, turning my eyes skeptically to Alice and Emmett. They both looked
uncertain, clearly unsure about my reaction to Carlisles revelation. But I noticed
they didnt seem opposed to the idea, which surprised me.
No one will force you to come, Carlisle continued calmly. It is completely up
to you, and no one will question your decision. All I ask is for you to take some
time to think about it.
I just nodded. While the idea didnt totally freak me out - unlike Angelas other
suggestion of me attending a group session full of strangers - I still wasnt sure
how I felt about this. But I figured that if the rest of the family didnt have a
problem with it, I owed it to them to at least take it into consideration.
After a brief moments silence, Alice suddenly nudged Emmett, giving him a
pointed look, and when he nodded, she started clapping her hands eagerly and
turned to me. Edward, weve got a surprise for you. Its still in the car - Dad, you
and Emmett go get it, right away! She was practically bouncing up and down.
I noted that Carlisle appeared to be just as confused as I was, but he nodded in
agreement and obediently followed Emmett out of the room. I gave Alice a
suspicious look. Whats going on? What is it?
Oh, youll just have to wait and see. She was beaming now, and I could only
chuckle at her obvious excitement.
Emmett and Carlisle returned a couple of minutes later, struggling with a large
wooden box, and I watched them put it down in front of me. Emmett grinned.
Just think of it as a late birthday present. Go ahead - open it!
You already gave me a present, I protested, not comfortable with the idea of
them spending even more money on me.
Alice rolled her eyes. Whatever, just open it! Here, Ill help you. She started to
lift the lid off the box, and I finally submitted to the curiosity and moved to join in.
Once the lid was gone, I peeked into the box.
What...? I started, my eyes narrowing as I tried to figure out what I was looking
at. It was big and red, and looked like some kind of stuffed leather bag. I turned to
Alice, who happened to be closest to me, and gave her a questioning look.

Its a punching bag, she explained, looking almost shy all of a sudden. We
thought you could... um... she glanced at Emmett for help, which surprised me,
seeing how she never seemed to have a hard time finding the words. But for some
reason, she appeared to be nervous, when merely a moment ago she had been
vibrating with excitement.
We thought you could use something to punch, that wont break, Emmett
finished for her, hauling the heavy looking bag out of the box to show it to me.
Look, it comes with a stand, or it can be suspended from the ceiling. Dad will
help you put it together. What do you think?
I... I realized I was speechless.
Oh no, you hate it. Alices face fell and she looked like she might cry.
No. I somehow found my voice. Alice, I dont hate it. I just... I shook my
head. I dont know what to say. I cant believe you guys did this. To say that I
was touched would be an understatement.
So you like it, then? Emmett asked, hopefully.
I nodded, fearing my voice would break, but forced myself to get the words out,
Yeah, I like it. Thank you.
Chapter 111
EPOV
The days went by, and I was slowly settling into a new, much less stressful routine.
It took a while before it hit me that for as long as I could remember, there had
always been something nagging at my mind, haunting me and causing me to dread
what was coming, making it impossible for me to let my guard down.
Either there was the annual meetings with Victoria Masen, or the weekly
appointments with some therapist I could never bring myself to open up to, or
something else entirely, the outcome was always the same. It tore me down,
physically as well as mentally, and I felt like I barely got the chance to breathe, let
alone relax and just be.
I remembered telling Bella once that everything hurt and I didnt know how to

make it stop, and I could still recall the desperation I used to feel when the pain
just became too much. It was eating me up from inside, and no matter how hard I
would struggle to hold myself together, there always came a point when I couldnt
take it anymore.
But somehow, things had changed. Over the last couple of days, I had started to
feel lighter. More hopeful. And unlike when - not too long ago - my mind was
constantly filled with anxiety, self-loathing and fear of remaining emotionally
closed off and a disappointment to everyone, my head was now occupied with
thoughts of Bella.
And these days, it wasnt just about her lessening my pain and making me feel
alive. I still felt a need to be close to her at all time, but not as much for comfort as
for... other reasons. I still longed for her touch, but I also wanted to touch her. A
lot. And the more I thought about it, the less confusing and frightening it became,
until I reached the point where I just wanted her. Badly.
Of course, I still had my moments when it was hard to focus on the good things in
my life and not let the memories of my fucked up past drag me down. I rarely got
any disturbing flash-backs or panic attacks these days, and the few times it did
happen, I was often able to fight it off pretty quickly. But I still had nightmares
from time to time, which always left me feeling uneasy and shaken up the
following day.
Not to mention that it pissed me the fuck off.
The punching bag Alice and Emmett gave me turned out to be a fucking godsend.
It felt a bit weird at first, punching the damn thing over and over, but instead of
ending up feeling guilty about destroying things around the house - like so often in
the past - it left me with a feeling of peace and satisfaction when I was done.
Most of the time, I even remembered to tape my knuckles before attempting to
beat the crap out of the punching bag. Needless to say, I used up a lot of fucking
tape.
At my next session with Angela, she brought up the topic of having the whole
family come see her together, which Carlisle had already told me about. I had
given it a lot of thought over the past couple of days, and think I surprised both
myself and her by agreeing. So, exactly one week after my confrontation with my
mother, we were all - except for Bella - once again sitting in Angelas office.
Bella had kindly offered to come with me and just wait outside until we were
done, and my first instinct had been to say yes, knowing I always felt more

comfortable when she was around. But at the last minute, I had changed my mind,
feeling like this was another thing I should be able to handle by myself.
Thankfully, she understood.
While nobody could ever take Bellas place, I had slowly come to realize I also
had other people in my life who wanted to be there for me and support me, and
once I had started to let them in as well, it soon occurred to me that I no longer felt
like an intruder in the family. I actually felt like I belonged. The feeling was
indescribable.
To be honest, Im not sure what I had expected to happen at the joint session with
my family. But it turned out to be interesting, to say the very least. Interesting, and
eye-opening.
Its good to see you all again, Angela began as soon as we were all seated. May
I ask how your week has been?
As I glanced discreetly around the room, I noticed everyone seemed more or less
nervous and uncertain, and I wondered if I had looked the same way on my first
session. It felt kind of weird, being here with all of them, but I wouldnt say it was
an all bad feeling.
I think its been all right, Alice finally offered in response, and I wasnt overly
surprised she had been the first to speak up. Nervous or not, she rarely had a hard
time opening up to people.
Angela nodded. What about the rest of you? Do you all agree? Before anyone
got the chance to say anything, she went on, Remember, this is an opportunity for
all of you to express your thoughts and feelings, and if theres something youd
like to share with the rest of your family, now is the time. If I was to guess, Id say
the last few weeks must have been intense, for all of you.
Emmett mumbled something I couldnt make out. Angela turned to him, her hands
folded in her lap, and gave him a questioning look. What was that, Emmett?
He slumped back in the chair, looking uncomfortable. I said, try the last few
months.
She watched him calmly. The last few months have been intense? He nodded,
not meeting her eyes. Would you like to elaborate a little? I held my breath, not
sure I would like what was coming.
All right. Emmett raised his head, and I didnt miss the way anger suddenly

flashed across his face. Ever since I found out... he stopped, hesitating. I just
cant get it out of my head. Mom and Dad have known all along... what happened
to Edward. Its not fair how they kept it from me and Alice. We would... he rolled
his eyes, I wouldve acted differently. They shouldve said something.
I stared at him in disbelief, his words of accusation coming as a total shock to me.
Its not their fault, I told him shakily, feeling a strange need to defend Carlisle
and Esme. I asked them not to tell you.
Emmett opened his mouth, but Carlisle beat him to it, Actually, in a way it is our
fault, mine in particular. Edward, I gave you the choice from the beginning
whether or not Alice and Emmett were to be informed about your past. I believe
now it was wrong of me to put you in that position. I shouldve worked harder to
make you feel comfortable with your brother and sister, make you feel like you
could be honest with them instead of feeling you had to keep your past a secret.
I shook my head in objection, but he wasnt finished. You were all children, and I
was the adult. I just wanted to help you, but somewhere along the way, I failed.
For that Im truly sorry. He turned to Emmett. I dont blame you for being upset
with me. In my defense, I did what I believed was right at the time. I hope you will
someday understand that it was never my intention to make you feel deceived.
This is not about how I feel, Emmett protested, and I could practically feel the
tension coming off him. You dont get it, Dad. Edward didnt want us to know the
details - fine. I respect that. But you shouldve given us something. Weve been
completely clueless. Who exactly were you trying to protect? Alice and me, or
Edward? Because as far as Im concerned, all three of us wouldve been better off
without the hush-hush and fucking secrecy.
Carlisle opened his mouth, then closed it again, clearly at a loss for words. I
realized I felt bad for him.
Let me ask you something, Emmett. Angela was as always calmness
personified, one of the things I had grown to appreciate about her. You obviously
blame your father for keeping you and Alice out of the loop all this time. What
about Edward? Do you blame him as well?
What? No! Emmett shook his head fiercely, casting an awkward look at me. Of
course not.
Why not? I asked incredulously, unable to stay silent any longer. You should.
And I meant it. It would have made a lot more sense for him to blame me than his
parents. After all, I was the one who had refused to let him and Alice in all this

time. Carlisle and Esme only kept silent because I asked them to.
I... he started, clearly uncomfortable. Luckily Angela seemed to take pity on him
and decided to cut in.
Its okay if you do, she said in a soft voice. I frowned, but didnt say anything.
She went on, Whats important here is that youre open about how you feel.
Youre allowed to be upset, but holding grudges wont do any good for anyone.
She paused, giving him a chance to absorb her words. If theres something youd
like to say to Edward, nows your chance.
Emmett glanced at me, and I raised a brow expectantly. Finally he spoke up in a
low voice, I dont blame you, but I wish I had known. I wouldve understood.
And I wouldnt have been such a jerk all the time. Things would have been
different. I just nodded, not sure how to respond to that.
How about you, Alice? Angela asked. Do you feel the same way as Emmett?
Are you upset with your parents as well?
Not really. I... Alice hesitated a little. I guess on some level, Ive known all
along. Or at least suspected. Her eyes darted to me before she turned back to
Angela. I understand why Mom and Dad didnt tell us.
Carlisle cleared his throat and spoke up, a regretful note in his voice, I realize a
lot of conflicts and issues could have been avoided if we had just been better at
communicating with each other from the start. But I like to think were getting
there. Were all learning to be more open.
Thats good. Angela smiled. The fact that you are all here today tells me youre
definitely on the right way. She turned to me. Edward, do you have anything you
want to say to your family?
I shrugged somewhat awkwardly, feeling everyones expectant eyes on me. I
dont know. Im glad theyre here. They-
Angela cut me off softly, Say it to them, not to me.
Right. Holding back a sigh, I swallowed and turned to my family. Um, thanks
for being here. I know I have your full support and that you all care about me. IIm sorry it took me so long to see it. I hated that I had such a hard time getting
the words out. It wasnt like I didnt mean them. Taking a deep breath, I then
somehow managed to add, Oh, and I... I care about you too.

Once the words were out of my mouth, I felt relieved, like another weight had
lifted from my shoulders. It may not have been a literal declaration of love, but it
felt good to know I was at least capable of telling my family that I appreciated
them.
It felt fucking good to belong.
Speaking of being more open... Esme shifted in her seat, and I noticed she
suddenly looked nervous. There is another thing Carlisle and I have kept from
you - all three of you. We figured it was for the best, that you were better off not
knowing. But we have discussed it again, and last night, we decided you are all old
enough to hear the truth.
I glanced at Alice and Emmett with a sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach,
noting they looked just as surprised and confused as I felt. Something told me this
would not be pretty.
Esme cast a look at Carlisle, and when he gave her an encouraging nod, she
continued, her voice trembling slightly, You see, we always wanted a big family,
with lots of children. But after Alice, I just couldnt become pregnant again - no
matter how much we tried, nothing happened. We refused to give up, though, and
almost ten years later, it looked like our prayers were finally heard.
Alice opened her mouth, but Esme raised a hand to stop her, indicating she wasnt
finished. Our joy knew no limits when I finally tested positive. But unfortunately,
it wasnt long-lived. Less than two weeks later, I miscarried. Thats when the
doctors told me I would never be able to have another baby. She swallowed
visibly, and Carlisle covered her hand with his.
Oh, Mom... Alices eyes were glistening with tears. Thats just horrible. God,
Im so sorry.
Carlisle spoke up, quietly, We agreed to just try to accept it and be grateful we
had already been blessed with two healthy and beautiful children. And it worked for a little while.
Then I started to become really depressed. Esme shook her head sadly. I tried
not to let it show, though, because I didnt want you two... she gestured to Alice
and Emmett, ...to think I wasnt happy with you. Ive always loved you so much,
and I tried to be the best mother I could. But as the weeks passed, I started sinking
deeper and deeper, until I just couldnt take it anymore. I... Her voice broke.
I just stared at her with wide eyes, afraid of what she was about to tell us.

Somehow, I just knew it was bad. And judging by the dead serious looks on Alice
and Emmetts faces, they knew as well.
What did you do, Mom? Alice whispered.
Carlisle looked at Esme with concern on his face, and when she remained silent,
eyes down and wringing her hands helplessly in her lap, he clearly decided to help
her out. I dont know if you remember this, but your mother spent some time at
the hospital, about six months before Edward came to live with us. There was...
he looked away, but I didnt miss his tormented expression, ...an accident.
This was news to me. I frowned, waiting for him to continue.
Alice nodded slowly. Yeah, I remember. She turned her eyes to Esme. It was
bad, right? You fell, and hurt your back? There was uncertainty in her voice.
Before Esme got the chance to respond, Emmett sat up straight in his seat, and I
realized he was pale as a ghost. I could practically see the wheels turning in his
head, and understanding seemed to dawn on him the same moment it hit me. It
wasnt an accident, he stated in a flat voice. Was it, Mom?
She shook her head. No, it wasnt. It all just became too much for me, and at the
time, I saw no other way out. Im so sorry.
Alice was crying openly now and Emmett looked like he was about to be sick. I
felt like my head was spinning as my mind struggled to take in what I had just
learned.
Esme had tried to kill herself. The realization shook me to the core.
Waking up in the hospital was like a wake-up call, Esme went on, her voice
slightly stronger now. I realized I wanted to live, that I couldnt bear the thought
of leaving my family behind like that. Thankfully I was given a second chance. I
wanted to beat the depression and try to move on. But your father couldnt forgive
me for what I had done.
Esme, thats not true, Carlisle objected in a pained voice. You know I dont-
No, darling, Esme cut him off, softly. Youve always tried to hide it from me,
tried to protect me, but we both know that to this day, a part of you still cant trust
me completely. Its okay, I understand. Our love is strong, but my betrayal will
always be there as a painful reminder. I will just have to live with that.

Carlisle mumbled something in response and I watched them embrace. Soon

everyone was talking at once, the words and voices blending together, and I guess
at some point, I just stopped listening. My mind was working overdrive as I tried
to process this new revelation. Suddenly I saw Carlisle and Esme from a whole
new perspective.
Somehow, I had put them on a pedestal, thinking they had always been happy, that
their lives were simply perfect before I came into the picture. Now I could see that
was wrong. We obviously all had our demons.
In the end, I figured it all came down to how we chose to deal with them. Did we
fight our demons with everything we had, not giving up until we had beaten them?
Or did we allow them to destroy us?
There was a fine line, but I was pretty sure which side I was standing on now.
I snapped out of my thoughts as Esme said my name, and when I turned my
attention to her, I realized she was looking straight at me, tears shining in her eyes.
She tried to smile, not quite succeeding. I was still struggling to come to grips
with everything when you first moved in with us, but you gave my life new
meaning. It didnt matter that you werent mine by blood, I knew I would love you
unconditionally.
Swallowing hard, I opened my mouth to speak, but she hurried on, It broke my
heart when I couldnt get through to you, no matter how hard I tried to break down
your walls, but I never gave up hope. She brushed away a tear. Even though I
knew I had failed you.
You never failed me, I started to protest, but she wasnt done.
Because of my... actions, Social Services considered me unstable, not fit to be an
adoptive mother. Esme glanced at Carlisle for support and he placed his arm
protectively around her shoulders. She inhaled shakily and went on, They finally
agreed, on one condition. Once a year, until you turned eighteen, a social worker
was going to pay us a visit, talk to you and make sure we were treating you right.
I blinked in surprise, absorbing her words as the pieces were starting to fit
together.
Victoria.
It all started to make sense to me now, and I didnt know whether to laugh or cry.
How fucking ironic was it that Social Services had doubted Esmes ability to care

for me, when it was my real mother who was never fit to be a parent? And even
more ironic was the fact that the social worker they forced upon us had to be the
least qualified person ever for such a job.
If it hadnt been for me, you wouldnt have been forced to go through all that
every year. Im so sorry. Esme was crying now, her voice pleading as she reached
out her hand to me, begging me with her eyes to forgive her. But there was nothing
to forgive. How could I possibly hold something like that against her?
I slid out of my seat without even thinking, my feet carrying me over the floor
until I reached her, and I crouched down next to her, taking her hand. Dont be
sorry. I dont blame you. Besides, its over now, right? I paused, trying to speak
around the lump in my throat. Dont ever think you failed me. Youve always
been there for me. I could never ask for a better mom.
A choked sob escaped her, more tears streaming down her face, and I did the only
thing I could think of. I wrapped my arms around her and hugged her hard. I love
you, I mumbled into her ear, and I was stunned by how easily and natural the
words just rolled over my lips.
I realized I was smiling. And it felt fucking good.
Chapter 112
EPOV
Over a week had passed since our family therapy session, and I would be lying if I
said the first couple of days hadnt been an emotional roller coaster for all of us.
Learning about Esmes attempted suicide had been shocking to say the very least,
but for once, I hadnt been the only one who had trouble dealing.
Emmett hadnt said much, instead he had just walked straight up to his room as
soon as we came home and I didnt see him again for the rest of the day. The
following days he was quiet and brooding, which was very out of character for
him. I knew Carlisle had been talking to him, and I assumed Esme had as well, but
I wasnt going to pry for details. It wasnt my place.
Alices reaction was different from Emmetts - she never tried to hide the fact that
she was upset. She cried a lot, and while it hadnt been my intention to eavesdrop,
I had overheard her tearfully asking if she wasnt good enough, if thats the reason
why losing the unborn child had caused Esme to decide to end her life instead of

finding the will to go on living for the children she did have left.
I didnt stay to hear Esmes response, already feeling bad for listening in on a
conversation that wasnt meant for my ears.
Carlisle came to talk to me once, encouraging me to ask any questions I may have
and assuring me he would do his best to answer, but I told him I was cool, that I
didnt really need any answers. And I meant it. I suspected Alice and Emmett
wished to have remained oblivious, and if that was the case I didnt blame them,
but I also understood why Esme and Carlisle had decided to let us know.
Painful memories didnt just go away - I knew that from experience. The past may
be behind you, but it would always be a part of your life. If it was really bad, it
could end up haunting you until the day you died. But I had also learned that even though it was hard - sharing your pain with someone you loved, someone
who loved you in return, made that pain hurt a little bit less.
Carlisle also informed me that Alice and Emmett were going to start seeing a
therapist of their own - it had been his suggestion and apparently, they had both
agreed without much objection. I first thought he meant Angela, but when I asked,
he reminded me that she was specializing in people who had been sexually abused,
and Alice and Emmetts needs were a bit different from mine. I figured it made
sense.
After he had left my room, my thoughts started wandering in a dark direction, and
I found myself imagining what my life would be like today if Esme had succeeded
all those years ago. That night, I didnt take the time to use the tape and put on my
gloves before attacking the punching bag, not feeling any pain until my knuckles
were already a raw, bloody mess. In fact, they were still bruised a week later.
Not very surprisingly, the condition of my hands didnt go by Bella, but she never
questioned me straight out about it. I knew she didnt like when I hurt myself like
that, and I wished I could just promise her it wouldnt happen again, but we both
knew it most likely would, and I didnt want to lie to her. Carlisle had once told
me there would always be ups and downs in life for all of us, and I realized he was
right.
As I was now lying on my back on Bellas bed, my girl happily snuggling into my
side, I caught her carefully inspecting the back of my hands when she thought I
wasnt looking. When she saw my raised brow, she blushed and offered me a small
smile. Starting to look better, she stated quietly, pressing a gentle kiss to my no
longer swollen knuckles.

I merely hummed in agreement, and just like that, our quasi conversation about
my damaged hands was over. Bella knew exactly when it would be all right to
push me a little further, and when it was time to let the matter drop. That was just
one of the million reasons I loved her.
Although she wouldnt press me for details, I knew she had to be curious about
what happened at the session, and I had filled her in as well as I could without
revealing anything the rest of my family might find too personal for me to share
with her. Still, I had a feeling Bella was pretty good at reading between the lines,
and I wouldnt be too surprised if Alice had also said something to her.
Again, she knew just when to let go. There were some things that just didnt need
to be discussed and analyzed to pieces.
So... Bella changed the subject, rubbing her cheek against my chest and sighing
contently as I tightened my hold on her. What do you want to do for the rest of
the day? As long as it doesnt involve leaving the house, Im open for anything.
The rain was pouring down outside, and I could hear the faint sound of thunder in
the distance.
Dont know about you, but Im perfectly happy just staying like this all day, I
told her sincerely, kissing the top of her head for emphasize.
Well, when you put it that way... I felt her smile against me. I guess doing stuff
is highly overrated. I chuckled.
Are you cold? I asked hopefully after a few minutes, about to suggest wed slip
under the covers.
But Bella shook her head. No, its hot in here. She glanced up at me. Besides,
Im never cold when Im in your arms. Youre like my personal heating system. I
like it.
I snorted, unable to hide my amusement. Yeah, thats me. Your very own, live,
fucking radiator. Nice to know theres something Im good at.
She propped herself up on her elbow, looking at me intently. Actually, I can think
of plenty of things youre good at. Keeping me warm is just one of them.
There was something suggestive, almost challenging about her words, or maybe
that was just my imagination. Either way, it made me bolder. If youre really that
hot, you could always lose some of your clothes. As soon as the words were out
of my mouth, I realized how badly I wished she would comply. I wanted to see

her, all of her.

Bellas eyes widened slightly and she studied my face closely, as if trying to figure
out whether or not I was serious. I held her gaze. Finally she seemed to decide I
wasnt just joking and bit her lip, her face a mixture of hope and uncertainty. My
dad wont be home for hours, she informed me quietly.
Well, that pretty much settled it for me.
I love you. I looked her straight in the eyes, reaching out to tuck a strand of hair
behind her ear. Please, Bella, I need...
What? She stared at me, almost like hypnotized, and I felt myself growing hard.
What do you need, baby?
You, I told her matter-of-factly, begging her with my eyes to understand. I
couldnt explain it - it was like my entire being was suddenly screaming for
Bellas touch, aching to be closer to her. I needed to feel her warm, soft body
against mine. Fuck, just being close to her wasnt enough. I needed more.
God help me, but in that moment, I felt a desperate need to be inside her. I
couldnt remember ever wanting something that strongly before, and it scared me
half to death.
But before I could panic, my mind finally registered the pure love I saw in Bellas
eyes as her face lit up at my words, and I instantly felt a wave of calmness coming
over me. All of a sudden, the fear I had felt only a moment ago was gone, just like
that, and I knew then there was nothing to be afraid of when I was with Bella. Not
now, not ever. Because nothing we did together could ever be bad or wrong.
How could it be, when we both wanted it?
I wasnt really aware of removing my jeans and pulling my t-shirt over my head,
but I must have at some point, because the next thing I knew, Bella and I were
both under the covers, sans clothes, and I felt a tingling sensation as she pressed
herself gently but firmly against me, all the while keeping her eyes locked on
mine.
Her mouth opened, then closed again, and I suspected she had been about to ask
me if I was sure about this. But something obviously made her decide against it,
and for that I was glad. She shouldnt have to ask - I wanted her to be able to see
in my eyes that I was ready for this. I hadnt been before, but right now, there was
no doubt in my mind.

Just like I could see in Bellas eyes that she wanted this every bit as badly as I did.
So I leaned in to kiss her, pleased when she eagerly responded by parting her lips,
allowing me entrance. I would never get tired of kissing Bella - I felt like I could
just go on forever.
There was just one little thing that still bothered me, something I had tried to push
to the back of my mind, but I knew I had to bring it up before we went any further.
Reluctantly pulling back a little, just so I could look at her, I gently stroked her
cheek. Bella, I dont wanna hurt you.
You wont, was her immediate response as she caught my hand and pressed a
tender kiss to my palm.
I shook my head, silently pleading with her to hear me out. Intentionally, never.
But Bella, its going to hurt. Its the first time, and... I gulped, forcing myself to
take a deep breath before finishing, ...you might bleed. I never want to cause you
any pain, but if were going to-
Oh. Bella cut me off, understanding flashing in her eyes. Im not afraid, baby. I
realize it might hurt a little, but I can handle it, if you can? She gave me a
questioning, almost wary look, like she feared I would say no, so I gave her what I
hoped was an assuring smile and nodded, praying I was right and would in fact be
able to handle it.
The relief was evident on Bellas face and she relaxed against me. Do you have
any... her cheeks flushed, something I found a bit funny considering the intimate
position we were already in, ...protection? she finished, practically whispering
the word out. Before I could answer, she seemed to remember something. Never
mind. Alice.
I blinked in confusion, wondering what Alice could possibly have to do with any
of this, but then my brain kicked into gear and I remembered Bella telling me how
Alice had given her a fucking condom on my birthday. We had almost gone all the
way that night, but I knew now it would have been too soon, and I was grateful we
had waited.
As I watched Bella pull out a small drawer in the night stand, I realized I wouldnt
have to get up and look for my jeans on the floor, searching for the tiny foil
package I had been keeping in my wallet ever since it had mysteriously appeared
on my desk one night, half hidden under a pile of papers. I still hadnt figured out
who had left it there, and I wasnt going to ask. It wasnt like it mattered, anyway.

OoO
BPOV
As I felt Edwards hands move boldly yet tenderly over my body, it hit me how
calm he seemed considering the fact we were both naked and moments away
from... well, what exactly? Sleeping together? Having sex? Making love? Yeah, I
liked the last one best. I wanted this so badly it made my body ache, and Edward
obviously felt the same way. Finally we were both ready.
My fingers trembled as they struggled to rip the small wrapper open, and then I
almost laughed as I remembered Alice sitting cross-legged on her bed with a dead
serious expression on her face, a condom in one hand and a banana in the other,
intending to be helpful and show me her best technique. Of course, at the time I
had been embarrassed beyond words, not knowing whether to laugh or cry.
In the end, I figured I should just be grateful. At least now I knew how to put one
on, hopefully without causing Edward any pain in the process. Those things had to
be uncomfortable.
Maybe I should look into birth control pills? Surely that would be a lot less messy.
Or maybe I should just stop thinking so much, and focus on what was happening
right now?
I glanced at Edward, noticing how his eyes were fixed on the slippery piece of
rubber I had finally managed to release from the wrapper. He gulped, and I think I
did as well.
I love you, I murmured and then felt a bit stupid, because those words alone
didnt seem enough to describe my feelings for him in that moment. I frantically
searched my mind, but failed to find any better words. Maybe there werent any.
So I just repeated them. I love you so much.
I love you, too. Edward smiled, and once again it hit me how calm and peaceful
he looked, like he knew no fear in the world. I had expected him to be a lot more
nervous, but instead I was the one who couldnt stop shaking. He must have
noticed, because his smile faltered and his eyes narrowed slightly. Are you
afraid? he asked me softly.
I shook my head, because I wasnt, at least not for the reason he might think. Are
you? I whispered. He shook his head.

So how do we...? he started, then stopped, clearly unsure how to proceed.

I hesitated only for a second before leaning in to kiss him, deciding in that moment
to stop worrying and just do what felt right. There were so many things I wanted to
say, and at the same time words seemed pointless, unnecessary. So I remained
silent as I started stroking his chest, and then let my hand slowly wander a bit
lower.
Edward let out a humming sound, and his leg slid across mine. I felt a pleasant
shiver run down my spine as he pulled me even closer and pressed his body
against mine, and I wondered if he was even aware of doing it. Then, without
warning, he moved his hand and gently started to rub my thigh, and I was unable
to hold back a soft gasp as his fingers tickled my skin, causing my entire body to
tingle.
He immediately tensed up at my reaction and I nearly panicked, certain he was
about to pull back in fear of hurting me or moving too fast, so I quickly grabbed
his hand to prevent him from moving it away, firmly holding it in place. It wasnt
lost on me how he instantly relaxed again, and after a brief moments hesitation
continued his exploration.
Tell me what to do, he breathed huskily into my ear. Show me how to make
you feel good.
I was just about to assure him that he was doing perfectly well on his own, that he
already made me feel amazing and should just continue what he was doing, but I
realized he was still a bit uncertain and wanted me to take the lead, so I forced my
own insecurities aside and decided to just give him what he needed. I took a deep
breath.
You can touch me... here... I whispered then, slowly guiding his hand and placed
it between my legs, all the while keeping my eyes on his. Edward inhaled shakily,
but once the initial shock had worn off, he showed no sign of being uncomfortable
by my bold move. If anything, he appeared to be fascinated, eager to learn and
please me. And when he started moving his hand, I nearly died.
This okay? he mumbled, glancing at me for confirmation. A soft moan escaped
me, which he must have taken as a sign to go on. His face was the picture of deep
concentration as he kept rubbing me softly and I shivered, instinctively raising my
hips, wordlessly begging him to rub harder. I fought the urge to cry out, feeling
like I was close to bursting.

I knew he could feel the wetness between my legs, and I could tell he was
becoming more and more aroused by the way his breathing picked up. More, I
pleaded, almost sobbing. Faster, please... Edward happily complied and I started
whimpering, pressing myself closer to him. God, it feels so good! I gasped,
sucking in a breath as my body involuntarily jerked.
And then the world exploded. I must have blacked out for a few seconds, because
the next thing I knew, I was lying limp in Edwards arms, panting for air. He was
holding me almost impossibly close, his face buried in my neck, and I could feel
his warm breath against my skin.
It took a moment before I realized I could also feel something rock-hard pressing
into my thigh.
OoO
EPOV
For a brief moment, it seemed like Bella had passed out in my arms, and I almost
panicked. But then she inhaled sharply and tightened her arms around me, letting
out a sound that could only be described as one of pure bliss. I shifted a little, just
so I could see her face, and she smiled a soft smile that nearly took my breath
away.
She was so fucking beautiful. Her face was practically glowing, and she just
looked... happy.
Pride filled me up from inside as I slowly started to realize I was the reason she
looked that way. Even though I didnt really know what I had been doing, I had
somehow managed to do something right. I had put that smile on her face. Fuck, I
had just made her come!
The thought made me feel light-headed, and if possible, I grew even harder, until
the point where it became down-right painful. Bella, please... I begged, unsure
of what I was pleading for. But for some reason, she seemed to understand what I
could not express in words, and the next thing I knew, I felt her warm, soft palm
cupping my balls for a second before her fingers curled around my cock.
Fuck me!
Trust me? she whispered breathlessly, and her hand stilled for a second.

Always, I gasped, closing my eyes. She let go of me and my eyes instantly

snapped open in shock and disappointment. I grunted loudly in protest, until I felt
the soft rubber brush against me and realized what she was doing.
The condom was a bit tighter than I had expected, but I was too far gone by now
to let it bother me. I needed her, I needed my Bella, I needed to fucking get inside
her right this fucking instant. Something close to desperation welled up inside me,
and I think a choked please rolled over my lips, or maybe it was just in my head.
There was no fear, no panic, no anxiety. Only pure, raw need. How? I managed
to get out, barely recognizing my voice.
Get on top of me, Bella responded after a brief moment of hesitation, and I
obeyed without even thinking. For just a second, I worried about crushing her, but
then she leaned in to kiss me, showing absolutely no sign of discomfort.
Help me? I asked in a pleading whisper, tracing a few tender kisses down her
jaw and neck. Dont let me hurt you.
She just nodded, her eyes intently locked on mine as her trembling hand found my
hard cock, and the contact made me feel almost like I got hit by an electrical
shock. Then she slowly guided me inside her, and I thought my heart was about to
stop. There was a slight resistance before I felt myself slip through her barrier, and
she tensed up for a second, her fingers flying up to grasp my shoulders.
Im okay, she hurried to assure me in a trembling voice, clinging to me as if she
feared I was going to pull away. Its not that bad, just give me a second. I had to
trust her, although my mind was screaming at me for causing her even the smallest
amount of pain. In an attempt to soothe her, I rubbed my nose against her cheek
and brushed my lips against hers.
I love you, I whispered, watching tears well up in her eyes.
I love you, too. Bella offered me a shaky smile. I think its okay now. I wanted
to ask her if she was sure, but no words came out.
Instead I started moving, very slowly, although I kept searching her face for any
sign of pain. But when she closed her eyes and started breathing harder and faster,
I just stopped thinking and let my instinct take over. Somehow, my movements
just seemed to come naturally, and I was unable to hold back a groan as I pushed
myself in and out, thrusting my hips up and down.
God, Bella, I all but whimpered, my mind suddenly completely blank as wave

after wave of pleasure washed over me. Never in my wildest dreams had I thought
I could ever feel like this. I was only vaguely aware of Bella moaning and crying
out my name as I finally collapsed on top of her, gasping and panting and sobbing
out my love for her, repeating the three little words like a mantra.
She pressed her cheek against mine and stroked my hair, whispering how much
she loved me.
And all I knew was peace.

Chapter 113
BPOV
Bella? I looked up from the magazine I had been reading when the door opened
and Angela called out my name. Please, come on in.
I jumped up and followed her into her office, unable to keep the smile off my face
as I immediately spotted Edward on the couch. Walking over to him, I sat down
and reached for his hand.
Its really good to see you again, Bella, Angela stated once I was seated next to
Edward. Its been a while. How have you been?
Thinking back for a moment, I realized she was right - I hadnt accompanied
Edward to his therapy sessions for the last couple of weeks. To be honest, it
seemed unnecessary for me to keep seeing Angela every week by myself,
especially since I figured there were a lot of other people out there who needed her
more than I did. But I would still join Edward for parts of his sessions for as long
as he wanted.
Im good, I told her now, glancing at Edward as he squeezed my hand. Schools
out for the summer. Its really nice not having to think about homework and stuff
for a while.
I can imagine. Angela smiled. Do you have any plans? Are you going
somewhere?
I shook my head with a grin. Just plan to enjoy the freedom for as long as I can.

Thats the spirit. Angela leaned back in the armchair, looking from me to
Edward. Edward, would you like to tell Bella a little about what we discussed
before she came in here?
Yeah. He turned to me. Angela thinks it would be enough for me to just come
here every other week from now on.
Oh? I looked at Angela in surprise.
She nodded in agreement. Edward has made a lot of progress, Bella. Now, the
next step is for us to start cutting down on our sessions, try and see how it works
out. Not stopping altogether, but we both agree these weekly sessions are no
longer a necessity. She gave Edward an expectant look, indicating for him to
continue explaining.
Its a good thing, Bella. Edward sounded almost nervous, as if he was expecting
me to disagree or object. I dont wanna have to come here every week for the rest
of my life, he cast a somewhat sheepish look at Angela, No offense. She just
smiled, waving him off. Im not saying Im going to quit, but I dont want to
depend on therapy forever. I nodded, because I could understand his reasoning.
To tell the truth, I was thrilled. Angela said he was making progress, which I felt
was an understatement. The way I saw it, Edward had become a completely
different person, and I knew everyone else could see it as well. He was far from
that hostile and emotionally closed off boy he had been back when we first met,
terrified of physical contact and dead set on pushing everybody away.
Of course, he still had his set-backs every once in a while, which broke my heart
every time, but Angela had done her best to make me see that it was both
unavoidable and necessary, that I needed to allow Edward to have his dark
moments. Like she had so often reminded me, his past would always be a part of
him, and his painful memories would never go away completely.
It hurt to hear, but I knew she was right.
Thankfully, those dark moments of flash-backs and angry outbursts were rare
occasions these days, and I could barely remember the last time he had suffered a
full-blown panic attack. Sure, for natural reasons, I hadnt been with him twentyfour-seven, but I knew he wouldnt keep anything of significance from me. If
Edward was having a bad day, I was bound to find out about it, one way or the
other.
While I had first been a bit skeptical of Edwards wish to confront his birth

mother, I could now see it had released something inside of him, given him at least
some of that closure he so desperately needed. Seeing her again had made him
realize, once and for all, that he was in no way responsible for anything that
monster - James - had done to him. For that I was beyond grateful.
It had also - obviously - given Edward the last gentle push he needed to gain the
courage and capability to finally break free from his fear of sexual relations.
Should I live for a thousand years, I would never forget the feeling - nor the look
of pure bliss on Edwards face - when we had made love together for the first time.
So much had changed, and all for the better. I could see how Edwards progress
affected the rest of his family as well, and they all seemed to have grown so much
closer. Edward had gone from not caring the slightest and stubbornly distancing
himself from his adopted parents and siblings, to not only opening up to them, but
also starting to show affection. It was downright amazing.
We kept talking for the next twenty minutes or so, and then it was time to go
home. On our way back to Forks, Edward asked me to come back to his house and
stay for dinner, and I happily agreed. Charlie was working late and wouldnt be
home for dinner anyway, and I wasnt about to turn down an opportunity to spend
time with Edward.
Esme greeted us warmly as we entered the kitchen, announcing that dinner would
be ready in about half an hour. Edward snatched a sliced tomato from the salad
bowl and popped it into his mouth, grinning innocently at her playful look of
disapproval. When I asked if she needed any help, she politely but firmly declined,
instead insisting we just sit down and make ourselves comfortable until it was time
to eat.
We were just chatting about random things when Carlisle walked into the room a
couple of minutes later. He smiled at us, but there was something strained about
his expression. Edward clearly noticed as well, because his eyes narrowed
suspiciously and he immediately asked what was wrong.
Nothings wrong, Carlisle assured him, then hesitated for a moment. I would
say quite the opposite, but... He shook his head, as if to clear it. Anyway, Ive
received some news, and to be honest, I see no reason to put it off until later.
Might as well just get it out of the way.
Something about his words made me feel uneasy, like I was suddenly imposing on
a private family moment, and I cleared my throat. Um, I think Ill go see if Alice
is upstairs.

Carlisle looked a little surprised, and then his face softened. Its all right, Bella,
you are welcome to stay. He paused. In fact, I would prefer if you did. If you
dont mind?
I frowned, but didnt object. Instead I just gave him a small smile and nodded.
Esme quickly wiped her hands on a dish towel and made her way over to us,
giving her husband a questioning look as she sat down next to Edward. Carlisle,
whats going on?
Edwards eyes were fixed expectantly on Carlisle as he calmly waited for an
explanation, but the way he squeezed my hand tightly under the table told me he
was more anxious than he was letting on. I couldnt help but think it was so sad
how he always kept expecting the worst, even after Carlisle had assured him
things were fine.
I got a phone call this afternoon, Carlisle started in response to Esmes question,
although he was looking at Edward. This is about... James. I felt Edward tense
up and he sucked in a breath, but other than that, he remained stoic, seemingly
indifferent. After what felt like a year, but in reality couldnt have been more than
a few seconds, Carlisle went on, Last night, he was declared brain dead.
I heard Esme gasp softly, but beside that, the kitchen was dead silent.
My eyes widened at his revelation, and I glanced at Edward to see his reaction. He
just looked blankly at Carlisle for a moment, obviously unable to take in the full
extent of this life-altering information, and I noted his face had become white as a
sheet.
I placed my hand carefully on his knee, rubbing softly, and the contact seemed to
be what he needed to break out of the trance. He blinked and turned to look at me,
and I watched him take a deep breath. Im okay, he mumbled then, and I wasnt
sure whether he was trying to assure me or himself. Then his eyes went back to
Carlisle.
They pulled the plug on him this morning, Carlisle continued in a low but steady
voice, leaning forward to look Edward straight in the eyes. It means theyve
turned off all life-support. Its over. Hes dead, Edward. Do you understand what
Im saying?
I... Edward swallowed visibly, and I wondered what was going through his mind
in that moment. He let out a gust of air before responding in a hollow voice, I
understand. Carlisle opened his mouth, only to stop as Edward pushed the chair
back and stood up, his face still paler than normal. I-I need he whispered, then

shook his head, obviously having no idea what it was he needed.

And without another word, he left the room.
OoO
EPOV
Somehow, my feet carried my up the stairs and into my room. I closed the door
quietly behind me and slumped down on my bed, trying to wrap my mind around
what I had just learned.
James was dead. Gone. No more. Pretty soon, he would be buried in a coffin
somewhere, six feet under the fucking ground. It would be like he had never
existed. And I wouldnt have to worry about him possibly waking up some day. I
was free.
Right?
The strangest thoughts started running through my head. Would there be a funeral?
In that case, would anyone come? Now when he was dead, would anyone miss
him? Elizabeth? Did she know? I fell back on the bed, resting my head on the
pillow and closed my eyes, willing my mind to stop wandering in that direction.
I wondered what Bella and the others were thinking right now. They probably
thought I had left because I was upset. But why would I be? This had to be the best
fucking news I had gotten in my entire life. I should be relieved, I should feel
fucking liberated.
In a way, I was. But I also felt... empty. And I didnt understand why.
I wasnt sure how much time had passed when a soft knock on the door snapped
me out of my troubled thoughts. Its open, I called out, knowing it had just been
a matter of time before someone would come to check on me. Funny how I
couldnt find it in me to be annoyed.
Um, actually, it wasnt. The door was closed, thats why I knocked. Can I come
in? Bella tentatively peeked into the room through a small crack in the door. I
rolled my eyes and just grunted in response, gesturing for her to enter. To be
perfectly honest, I wondered what had taken her so long. Then again, she probably
thought I could use some space. She wasnt wrong. Still, I was happy to see her.

Fuck, I would always be happy to see her. Even if I had been running away from
her just a moment ago. Of course, technically I hadnt been running from Bella
this time. Hell, I hadnt even been running at all.
I was just so fucking confused.
Bella slowly stepped inside and crossed the room, the bed shifting as she carefully
laid down next to me without a word. For a couple of minutes, neither of us said
anything.
I think it came as a surprise to both of us when I was the first to break the silence.
Im fucking lost, Bella. What should I do? Jump for joy? Fucking celebrate?
She rolled over on her side, waiting for me to do the same so we were facing each
other. What do you feel like doing? she asked then, reaching for my hand.
Didnt you hear me? I said Im fucking lost! I sighed. I should be happy, right?
Hell, Iam happy. He hurt me, again and again, and he fucking enjoyed it. Im glad
hes gone. But...
But... what? Bella asked softly when almost a minute had passed. I just
shrugged, frustrated for not knowing how to explain. She bit her lip, and I
suspected she was choosing her next words with care. Edward, its okay. My
God, who could possibly blame you for feeling that way? Of course youre glad
hes gone. So am I, and Ive never even met him.
I was silent for a moment, contemplating her words. Yeah, well, I wish I could
just say good, the bastard finally got what he deserved, and move on. But its not
that simple.
Watching me quietly for a couple of seconds, Bella then nodded slowly, and I
could see understanding in her eyes. You think he got away too easy, dont you?
When I didnt respond, she squeezed my hand and scooted closer to me, until our
foreheads touched. Her arms slipped around me, and we just laid there in silence.
Eventually, I spoke up, I wanted him dead. But I also wanted him to suffer. Its
still here, Bella. I pressed my fingers to my temple. Everything he did to me. It
wont just go away because hes no longer among the living. I can still feel his
hands on me, touching me... I shuddered and squeezed my eyes shut, willing the
sickening images to go away.
Youre really amazing, you know that? Im so proud of you. My eyes snapped
open at Bellas whispered words. She must have seen my confusion, because she

clarified, Just the fact that youre able to talk about this so calmly. Not so long
ago, you wouldve... she stopped and eyed me warily, as if she was worried of
offending me.
Silly girl.
I wouldve freaked the fuck out by now, I finished for her, watching her
thoughtfully. She was right. It was easier for me to talk about my past these days,
and I tried to figure out when exactly that had started to change. I honestly wasnt
sure. It still wasnt easy. Just easier. I vaguely recalled Angela foreseeing
something like that once, and I remembered not believing her.
How about that?
A couple of minutes later, there was another knock on the door, followed by
Carlisles voice quietly calling out my name, asking if everything was okay. I
pressed a soft kiss to Bellas lips, and then a second kiss to her forehead. Then I sat
up, leaning back against the headboard. As Bella did the same, I responded to
Carlisles question with a loud, Yeah.
The door opened, although Carlisle remained in the doorway. He cleared his
throat. May I come in? When I nodded, he looked somewhat relieved and
stepped inside. Look, I... he began, but Bella interrupted him with an apologetic
look.
Ill let you two talk. I need to call my dad, anyway. Then she glanced at me, as if
to make sure I would be okay with her leaving. I gave her a reassuring nod,
touched by her thoughtfulness, but also appreciating her attempt to give me and
Carlisle some privacy.
You can leave the door open, Bella. Thank you. Giving Bella a grateful smile,
Carlisle waited until she had left the room before he slowly made his way over to
my bed and sat down. Well, to be honest, Im not sure what to say right now, he
admitted with a sigh. I just wanted to see if you were all right. Im sure youd
prefer Bellas company before mine, but... his voice trailed off.
No, its okay, I dont mind. Thanks. And Im all right. I paused. I think.
He was quiet for a moment. You have no idea how long Ive wished for this day
to come. When I would finally be able to look you in the eyes and tell you that
man is gone. He may not have been a physical threat to you for a long time, but
still. Now hes gone for good, and he can never hurt you, or anyone else, ever
again.

Yeah. I swallowed. Thats good.

But...? he asked softly.
Nothing. Its just... I let out a frustrated sigh. Bella asked me if I thought he got
away too easy. He nodded, waiting for me to go on. Well, I do. Ill have to live
with these fucking awful memories for the rest of my life. And he just-
Clearly sensing my growing agitation, Carlisle cut me off, James doesnt get a
second chance to live a full life. He will never know true happiness. Thats his
punishment for his evil deeds. He was a sick and twisted man and I doubt he
wouldve ever felt remorse for what he did. I can understand your wish for him to
hurt the way you did, but you need to remember that his pain doesnt
automatically erase yours.
I huffed. Maybe not. But at least knowing he was in pain would make me feel
better.
That may be so, Carlisle nodded. For a little while. But in the end, taking
pleasure in the pain of others only makes us bitter and unhappy. Thats not who we
are, Edward. We are better than that.
I tilted my head to the side, allowing his words to sink in.
He placed his hand on my shoulder, squeezing gently. I see a bright future ahead
of you, son. Thats all Ive ever wanted for you. I want you to be happy, at peace.
And I believe youre getting there. The memories of your past will always be
there, but as long as you dont let them take over and control you, you will be fine.
You just need to let go, allow yourself to live in the present.
I felt a lump in my throat, and nodded in agreement. I want that, I managed to
croak out. Im so fucking tired of being pissed off because of what happened to
me.
He nodded in understanding, rubbing my back sympathetically. It felt good,
soothing, and I sighed, tiredly. After a moments hesitation, I shifted a little on the
bed, and put my head down to rest on his shoulder. I thought I heard him swallow,
but I wasnt sure. You will be fine, he repeated then, his voice trembling slightly.
And I believed him.

Chapter 114
BPOV
My fingers trembled a little as I dialed the numbers, but I forced myself to take a
few deep, calming breaths, waiting for him to pick up. I hadnt really spoken to
Phil since I left the house in Phoenix in such a hurry, which was almost two
months ago. He had e-mailed me a few times since then, and I had dutifully
responded, but it wasnt the same as talking in person, and I had to admit I felt a
bit guilty.
Ever since Carlisle had dropped the bomb about James death, almost a week ago,
I had felt a strong urge to talk to Phil, but it wasnt until today that I had finally
gathered enough courage to actually make the call. The truth was, I felt bad about
the way I had practically dismissed him after my mom died, and how I just
couldnt find the will to stay in touch with him like I knew he would have wanted.
Hello? Phils voice snapped me out of my thoughts, and I inhaled sharply.
Hi, Phil. Its Bella. I held my breath.
Bella! He sounded genuinely happy to hear from me, which made me feel a bit
more at ease, but also added to my guilt. How are you?
Im good, thanks. What about you? I hoped my voice sounded less strained than
it did in my head, because I really wanted this conversation to turn out well.
Well, things have been pretty hectic for a while, but I cant really complain. Phil
was quiet for a few seconds. You know, I moved into my new apartment two
weeks ago. Its really nice. Maybe you could come visit me some time? There
was hesitation in his voice, as if he already knew what my answer would be.
I thought quickly, not wanting to hurt his feelings more than I already had.
Actually, I was thinking maybe youd like to come here to Forks instead. Ive
already talked to Charlie, he wont mind. It was true; Charlie had never held any
grudges against Phil for marrying Rene. And since my mom died, I think he saw
Phil as my last link to her, and therefor encouraged me to keep the contact.
Oh? Phil sounded more than a little surprised by my offer, but quickly
recovered. Id really like that. It would be nice to see Charlie again. He paused,
and when he continued, he sounded lighter, like a weight had lifted from his
shoulders. And maybe you could introduce me to that boyfriend of yours. I would

like to meet the guy who has stolen your heart.

Phil! I shook my head with a smile, and couldnt help but think that was
something my mom would have said.
To be honest, the thought of Edward and Phil meeting had crossed my mind. I had
even hinted as much when I first told Edward I was thinking of asking Phil to
come and visit, and to my utter relief, he didnt sound all that opposed to the idea.
Of course, I would have to run it by him again later, but I knew Edward trusted me
- as long as I was comfortable with Phil coming here, he saw no reason to fret
about it.
Phil was a good man, and I would always be grateful towards my mother for
having so much better judgment than Elizabeth. Unfortunately, Edward hadnt
been so lucky. I felt a lump form in my throat when I thought about it. Sometimes,
life was just not fair.
So... Phil cleared his throat, and I could tell he was choosing his next words
carefully. Have you had any more headaches lately? The concern in his voice
was evident, and it hit me that he must have been even more worried about me and
my health than I had realized.
No, I havent, I told him honestly. In fact, I hadnt had any episodes since
Phoenix, when Phil had first suggested wed go through Renes things.
I had actually mentioned them to Carlisle once - not long after my return from
Phoenix - asking for his opinion, and he had told me it was most likely stress
related. While that was the same explanation I had already gotten several times
before, from the other doctors I had been seeing, I found that I felt much better
hearing it from him.
Maybe I was biased, but in my opinion, Carlisle was way more trustworthy than
any other doctor. Besides, the fact that he had persuaded me to go through a full
body scan - which came out clean, by the way - told me he sincerely cared about
my wellbeing, and wasnt just trying to brush me off.
I remembered a time when I could barely bring myself to leave the room without
my painkillers safely tucked into my pocket. Now that little white bottle just sat in
the bathroom cabinet, basically forgotten. It had been so long since I last needed
them, and I had actually been playing with the thought of throwing them away.
Phil and I talked some more, mostly about trivial stuff, and he promised me he
would call Charlie within the next couple of days and make the arrangements for

his upcoming visit. We were about to hang up when something occurred to me,
something that had been on my mind for a while. Um, look, Phil, I know this is
probably none of my business, but are you... I swallowed, I mean, have you...
No, Bella, he assured me, clearly realizing where I was going with this. I
havent been seeing anyone since Rene, and I dont see it happening anytime
soon. Dont worry. I havent forgotten your mother.
While his words made me relieved in a way, I also felt bad for him. I didnt want
Phil to be alone and miserable forever. He deserved better than that. A part of me
wanted to tell him that it was all right for him to move on, that my mom would
want him to be happy. But I just couldnt get the words out. Maybe it was still too
soon for that kind of pep talk.
After Phil and I had finished our conversation, I spent the next thirty minutes or so
going through my old photo albums. It was bittersweet, watching my mothers
smiling face and remembering all those happy family moments we had shared. I
shed more than a few tears, but there was no pain, and I was able to look through
all of the pictures without falling apart. I think I even smiled when I put the
albums away.
By the time I went downstairs, my tears had dried completely. I found Charlie in
the kitchen, a frown on his face as he rummaged through the fridge. Theres
nothing in here, he complained as he heard me enter, and I had to stifle a laugh,
because he kind of reminded me of Emmett in that moment. Then his face
brightened. I guess we could always head down to The Lodge. What do you
say?
I smiled at his enthusiasm, knowing how much he loved the greasy food at The
Lodge, but shook my head apologetically. Im sorry, Dad, but Im on my way to
see Edward.
Oh. He grumbled something unintelligible, then looked up with a somewhat
sheepish look on his face. Tell the boy I said hi. And... he suddenly seemed to
find something very interesting on the floor, next to his feet. Im trusting you
both to be careful and responsible.
Dad! My cheeks turned bright red - I was really hoping we had moved past this.
Just looking out for you, kiddo. He cleared his throat, and with that - thankfully
- ended that awkward conversation. Call if youre going to be late, will you? I
nodded in agreement, waving before quickly disappearing out the door.

I arrived at Edwards house less than fifteen minutes later, which was pretty good,
considering the fact that my truck wasnt exactly the fastest vehicle in town.
Edward was usually too nice to tease me about it, but it seemed like Emmett had
been rubbing off on him lately. Just the other day, the two of them had ganged up
on me and mocked my poor truck, stating it sounded like a moose during mating
season.
Of course, I could never stay mad at Edward for long, which I suspected he was
perfectly aware of, not that he would ever take advantage of my feelings for him.
Speaking of the devil - it was Emmett who opened the door and let me inside, a
wide grin on his face. Bella! he boomed, looking over my shoulder with a
teasing gleam in his eyes. Did your truck make it all the way over here, or did
you have to hitch-hike?
I hid a smile and rolled my eyes as I stepped past him into the house. Youre a
real hoot, Emmett. Stop making fun of my truck. What did it ever do to you? He
just laughed obnoxiously, and I swatted his arm in mock anger. I wasnt really
offended, though, I knew he was just playing around.
Edwards upstairs, he informed me then, leaning back casually against the wall
with his arms crossed over his chest. If youre not busy later... he made air
quotes and emphasized the word busy, ...you and Edward should come hang out
with me and Rose for a while. We could watch a movie, or play video games or
something. He was serious now.
Sure, that sounds like fun. I was pretty sure Edward wouldnt mind.
Emmett looked pleased. Cool! Then he hesitated a little, and I could tell he had
something more on his mind. Hey, you dont happen to be in a mood for baking
cookies? Were all out.
OoO
EPOV
As I was waiting for Bella to come over, I became more and more restless. Or
maybe I was just bored. For so long, I had chosen to isolate myself from my
family, shying away from the mere thought of company, but now, once I had
started to let them in, I found that I no longer preferred the solitude.

For as long as I could remember, I had been a loner by choice. Then came Bella,
tearing down all my walls. It had been terrifying at first, and I had tried my hardest
to resist her efforts to befriend me, pushing her away like I did with everybody
else, because it was all I knew. As far as I was concerned, the only one you could
rely on was yourself. Trust anyone else, and you were bound to end up hurt.
Now I knew how wrong I had been. Thankfully, Bella had been stronger than me,
refusing to give up. And thanks to her persistence, I had gained enough confidence
to finally break out of my shell. She was now not only my best friend, but the love
of my life, my soulmate. I couldnt even imagine what my life would be like
without her.
But there were other people in my life who cared about me as well. It hurt to think
about all the pain I had caused my family over the years, just because I had been
too afraid to even think about trusting any of them. Now my eyes were clear, and I
could see I wasnt the only one who had been suffering.
They never knew how to act around me, how to handle me. And I had been too
messed up and damaged to be able to let them know what to do in order to help
me. Hell, even I didnt know what I needed at the time. But I had finally learned
that it was, not only okay, but sometimes necessary to lean on others for support.
Sometimes, it was the only way to survive.
Suddenly longing for some company until Bella showed up, I slipped out of my
room and walked quickly across the hallway, stopping outside Alices room. Her
door was closed, but I could hear music playing on the other side. I knocked,
waiting patiently for some kind of response. As I heard Alice yell out a chipper,
Its open! I pushed the door open and peeked inside.
Alice was sitting cross-legged on her bed with some girly looking magazine in her
lap, but now she looked up. I cleared my throat. Hey. Mind if I come in?
Of course not. Her face lit up and she tossed the magazine aside, immediately
gesturing for me to enter. I felt a pang in my chest when I recalled her so often
seeking me out in the past, hoping in vain that I would just once welcome her
presence and accept her company.
Just like Bella, Alice had never given up on me, not even when I had long since
given up on myself, and now I desperately wanted to tell her how sorry I was for
always being an ass to her, when all she ever wanted was for me to just accept her
as my sister. But a simple apology didnt seem enough. And besides, I knew she
wouldnt want one, anyway. By some miracle, she had already forgiven me.

Instead I made my way over to the bed and slumped down next to her. What are
you doing?
She smiled. Not much, just waiting for Jasper to come pick me up. Hes taking
me out for dinner.
Oh. Cool. I paused. Maybe next time, we could all go out together. The way
her grin widened and she started bouncing up and down told me my simple
statement meant so much more to her than any lame apology I could come up
with. Alice didnt want me to be sorry and feel guilty - she just wanted me to be
happy, and willing to spend some time with her every once in a while.
I could do that. Hell, I might even enjoy it.
Alice started talking excitedly about all the things she wanted us to do before the
summer was over, and instead of just tuning her out like I had so often done in the
past, I did my best to actually pay attention to what she was saying. Needless to
say, she was over the moon. Who would have thought something as simple as just
sitting there listening as she went on and on would make Alice so happy?
However, she was cut off mid sentence by a knock on the door, and a moment
later, Bella was standing in the doorway, watching Alice and me tentatively. Am I
interrupting something? she asked softly.
Nope. We were just talking. Alice smiled, standing up and clapping her hands
together. I need to go, though, Jasper will be here any minute. Think Ill just go
wait for him outside. Ill see you guys later - Bella, are you staying the night?
I threw a hopeful look in Bellas direction, but to my disappointment, she shook
her head. Not tonight. Ive promised Charlie Id sleep at home at least a couple of
nights a week. Besides, I dont wanna wear out my welcome. Im sure Carlisle and
Esme are getting tired of having me here all the time.
Dont be ridiculous. I waved her off with an eye roll. Thatll never happen.
Bella smiled at me, and I found myself wondering why the fuck I was still sitting
on Alices bed when my girl was standing only a few feet away. I jumped up,
walked over to her and swept her into my arms, pleased when she immediately
melted into my embrace.
After saying goodbye to Alice, Bella and I moved ourselves over to my room. She
told me about Emmetts suggestion for us to hang out with him and Rosalie later,
to which I agreed, only somewhat reluctantly. Much, much later, I insisted
teasingly as I planted a kiss on her cheek. Right now, I want you all to myself.

Yeah, well, I guess I can live with that. Bella grinned happily at me. I pulled her
closer, and she instantly snuggled into my side, closing her eyes and letting out a
content sigh.
You dont really believe Carlisle and Esme have any problem with you being here
so much, do you? I asked after a couple of minutes. They fucking adore you.
She blushed, but didnt object.
It was the truth - everybody loved Bella. Not as much as I did, though, because
that just wasnt possible. She was my salvation, my reason for being. And she was
all mine. Maybe there was a happy ending for me after all. These days, I would
actually allow myself to hope, to believe. My fucking childhood sucked, but I was
an adult now. There were many years ahead of me, years to spend with Bella by
my side.
I was finally ready to leave the darkness behind me. James was really gone. My
memories of the years living with him and my mother would probably never stop
haunting me completely, but memories couldnt hurt me. Not physically, anyway.
The scars marring my body were another constant reminder of my past, but I
didnt have to let them define me. They would always be there, but I could choose
to move on.
Choose to live. Not just exist, but really live. There was a whole world out there,
for fucks sake. And I wanted to see it.
Now I caught Bella looking curiously at the black notebook lying on my desk, the
book Angela had given me the day of our first therapy session. She was too polite
to ask about it, though, so I moved to pick it up, then returning to my seat next to
her on the small couch. You know, you can read it if you want, I offered, holding
it out to her. Ive got nothing to hide from you.
Bellas eyes widened in surprise and she reached out automatically, then bit her lip
and let her hand fall back down. Thanks, baby. But it wouldnt feel right. They
are your private thoughts. Of course, if you ever want to share them with me, Ill
always be happy to listen, but Id rather hear it from you directly, if that makes any
sense.
Seeing her point, I nodded. I get it. I just saw you looking at it.
I looked down at the well-used book in my hands, browsing through the pages
without really reading anything. The truth was, I had never gone back and read
anything I had written, and I doubted I ever would. It was enough just to get it all

out - I had no desire to relive the pain, anger and frustration I had felt whenever I
furiously scribbled something down during my darker moments.
Angela had even hinted that I might want to tear it up, or burn it, when the book
was full. I had been confused at first, but when she explained that it could be a
symbolic way for me to break free from my past, I could see her reasoning. I had
to admit it was more than a little tempting. Hell, it wasnt like I would ever miss it.
This one on the other hand... Bella jumped up and moved across the room,
grabbing a familiar object from my nightstand and held it up so I could see, I
dont mind looking at again and again. Did you add anything new?
I smiled as she plonked herself down next to me again, eagerly opening the white
album she had given me for my birthday. See for yourself, was all I said.
Quickly turning the pages, Bella let out a gasp as her eyes landed on a picture of
herself, one she obviously hadnt seen before. She was lying on her back in the
grass, surrounded by wildflowers. When did you take this? Its from the
meadow.
I chuckled. I took it with my phone when you werent looking.
Her eyes narrowed critically as she took a closer look at the photo. I look dead,
she pouted. I snorted.
You look peaceful, I corrected. Beautiful. Like always. I didnt have to look at
Bella to know my compliment made her blush.
She put her head down on my shoulder. You have so many pictures of me in
here.
I know. I slid my arm around her waist, placing a tender kiss below her ear.
Youre the one who said I could only put good things in this book. And youre the
best thing that ever happened to me, so... I left the rest of the sentence hanging.
She lifted her head to look at me with something that could only be described as
awe.
I feel the same way about you, she whispered, leaning in to rest her forehead
against mine. You know that, right? I nodded, because I did.
Somehow, this amazing girl miraculously returned my feelings. A part of me
would probably always wonder what I had ever done to deserve her, but there was
no doubt in my mind that Bella loved me, just as I loved her, with all my heart,

bruised and battered as it was.

As I wrapped my arms around her, she happily put the book aside and climbed
onto my lap, burying her face in the crook of my neck. Then she let out a soft
humming sound, and I could feel her smile against my skin. I could stay like this
forever, she mumbled.
I have no problem with that, I told her sincerely. In fact, dont even think about
moving within the next couple of hours.
She pulled back slightly to look at me. What if I wanted to move over to the
bed?
Hmm... I pretended to give it some thought. Maybe that could be arranged.
Bella let out a soft giggle. In that case, weve better hurry. Because I bet any
moment now-
She was cut off by a loud knock, followed by Emmetts booming voice, Okay,
you guys, Rose is here and its time to pick which movie to watch! Be down in
two minutes. No, wait. One! And he was gone.
I groaned loudly. Remind me why you agreed to hang out with those two again?
Bella just smiled sweetly and kissed my nose, then tried to get up, but I tightened
my grip on her, firmly holding her in place. You call that a kiss? I complained.
Thats fucking unacceptable! Get back here and do it properly.
Bellas smile widened, and I didnt have to tell her twice.

Chapter 115
Epilogue
3 years later
BPOV
Bella, wait, no, dont go in there yet! Bella...
Ignoring Alices protests, I barged into the living room, only to stop dead in my
tracks at the sight that met me. Flowers, hundreds of them, and they were

everywhere. I spun around, giving Alice - who had followed me into the room - an
incredulous look. Alice, why does it look like a flower shop threw up in here?
She shrugged innocently, her lips curling into a devilish smile. What can I say?
You only turn twenty-one once. Seeing my warning look, her smile turned into a
pout. Are you saying you dont like it?
I sighed, knowing she was just playing me with the sad face, but still, I didnt want
her to think I wasnt grateful for everything she had done. No, Alice, the flowers
are beautiful, and I really appreciate it. But... I hesitated, choosing my words
carefully, Isnt it a bit much? I mean, remember what we talked about? You could
plan this thing, as long as you promised to keep it small and simple.
See, Bella, thats where youre wrong. Alice grinned. Small, yes, but you said
nothing about simple. And besides... she winked at me, an evil gleam in her eyes.
You cant go overboard when it comes to celebrating your birthday. Personally, I
think it should be considered a national holiday.
Alice, I groaned. Will you just stop with the birthday talk already? You know
how I feel about it. She pretended to zip her lips closed, but she couldnt hide her
amusement.
The truth was, I had hated the thought of celebrating my birthday since that
particular incident, two years ago, when I was turning nineteen. We had just
started college, Alice, Jasper, Edward and I having all been accepted at the same
school, and we had made a few new friends, so when my birthday was coming up,
Alice decided it would be a perfect opportunity to throw a party.
To give Alice some credit, she had only invited a few selected people, like we had
agreed, and everything had been just fine, until it was time for me to open the
presents. Almost immediately, I had managed to get a paper cut, and to everyones
horror, passed out at the sight of my blood. Edward had tried to catch me, but
didnt make it in time, so I had crashed right into the coffee table, causing it to tip
over.
I got away with a sore shoulder and a bruise on my hip, but sadly, the ridiculously
expensive birthday cake - which had been standing on said table - didnt make it.
A buzzing sound from my phone snapped me out of my memories, and I pulled it
out of my pocket. Casting a look at the display, I rolled my eyes and held it out so
Alice could see. Its another text from Emmett. He wishes me a happy birthday.
Again.

She laughed. How many of those has he sent now? Six?

I stopped counting at eight, actually. Emmett, just like Alice, knew exactly how I
felt about my birthday, and naturally, he couldnt resist teasing me about it. I
swear, Alice, Im seriously considering changing my number. Especially after that
little stunt he pulled last night... I shook my head, letting out a groan as I thought
about it.
He didnt really mean anything by it, you know. Alice got a thoughtful look on
her face as she watched the flower arrangements critically, and moved to make
two of them switch places. Then she nodded in approval before turning back to
me. He was just trying to be funny.
Well, he wasnt. He nearly gave me a heart attack. I paused. Um, have you seen
Edward today?
M-hm. Alice responded absently, her attention back to the flowers.
I bit my bottom lip. So, is he upstairs? I was thinking maybe I could just-
Isabella Marie Swan! Alice cut me off, the flowers completely forgotten as she
turned to give me a stern look. Edwards up there with Em and Jazz getting ready,
and you know you cant see him until later. Besides, I know you already talked to
him this morning, because he only gets that lovesick, pining look on his face when
its you calling. A pause. Actually, you have the same look right now.
Her expression turned smug, and I felt myself blush, knowing she was right.
Whatever. I just miss him. I just had to try avoid thinking about the fact that
Edward was in the same house, and I wasnt allowed to see him at the moment.
Damn, this would be the longest morning ever. I sighed. Theres still time before
we have to get ready. Ill just step out on the porch for a while, I need some fresh
air.
All right. Alice nodded in understanding, her eyes turning sympathetic. She
hesitated a little. Want some company?
I smiled. Sure, why not. She followed me outside, closing the front door quietly
behind her, and for a couple of minutes, we just stood there in silence.
Finally Alice spoke up, So, when is your dad going to be here?
He said some time around noon. I sat down on the top step, watching Alice do
the same. He left for Port Angeles early this morning, to pick up Phil, and... ugh,

Jane. I made a face.

Alice snorted. What, shes still ugh, Jane? I thought you two were getting along
now?
Yeah, shes all right. I couldnt help but smile. I guess the name has just stuck.
Phil had met Jane about a year ago, but it took almost four months for him to work
up the courage to tell me he was seeing someone. It had been hard for me to take
in at first - even though I wanted him to be happy, it still stung to know he had
developed feelings for a woman who wasnt my mother.
The first time Phil introduced the two of us had been nothing short of a disaster.
Jane was incredibly nervous about meeting the grown-up daughter of her
boyfriends late wife, which had caused her to - in my one-sided opinion - act like
a rude bitch, and in all honesty, I hadnt been much better. In fact, when I thought
back now, I was deeply ashamed of my behavior.
However, Phil had called me later that night, begging me to give Jane another
chance, to which I guiltily agreed, and luckily our second meeting had turned out
much better. Once some of the tension had eased, making both of us less awkward
and nervous, I had to admit Jane seemed like a nice person after all, and it was
obvious how much she and Phil liked each other.
I was truly happy for him.
Hey, guys. Thought I heard someone out here. Rosalie was suddenly standing in
the doorway, looking down at me and Alice with her arms crossed and a smile on
her face. Bella - happy birthday.
I barely managed to get out a thank you before Alice jumped up, panic evident
on her face. Rose, what are you doing out here? Youre supposed to be picking up
the cake!
Rosalie met my eyes, giving me a look full of sympathy that clearly said did you
have to put up with this all morning? I failed to hold back a giggle, nodding. She
calmly turned to Alice. Yes, Alice, I know. I already did.
Oh. Good. Alice seemed to relax a little. Then her eyes widened in alarm. So,
where is it?
The cake? I left it in the kitchen, Rose explained, sitting down next to me. So,
Bella, are you ready for-

She was cut off as Alice let out a shriek, You left the cake unguarded, with
Emmett in the house?!
Oh, God... I chuckled to myself, burying my face in my hands. If Alice kept
going like this, she was bound to end up with an ulcer. Shouldnt I be the one
freaking out today, seeing how it was my... well, my big day and all? I sneaked a
peek at Alice, whose face was becoming more red by the second.
Looking somewhat nervous now, Rose held up her hands, in a fruitless attempt to
calm Alice. Its okay, Emmetts upstairs with the guys. Theres no reason for him
to come down here now.
But its Emmett! Alice all but shouted, exasperated. He can smell baked goods
a mile away!
Alice, Emmetts not gonna eat the cake, I tried to assure her, unable to hide my
amusement. I promise you, he knows better than that. In fact, I- I stopped
abruptly when my phone buzzed again, and I instantly pressed my lips together,
pretending in vain that I hadnt heard anything, because I was pretty certain that
would be Emmett, sending me another ridiculous text message.
Apparently, Alices mind had taken the same direction as her eyes narrowed and
she gave me a expectant look. You were saying...? When I just smiled and
shrugged, she threw her hands up in the air, muttered something I couldnt make
out, and rushed back into the house.
Rose and I were left looking at each other, and it only took a moment before we
both burst out laughing. My God, Rose gasped between giggles, Shes already
losing it, and the party hasnt even started yet.
Dont call it that, I protested, instantly sobering up. Youll probably jinx us all.
She let out a snort. What would you prefer to call it, then? A social event? A
gathering? I just huffed, and she patted my knee. Dont worry, Bella. Nothings
gonna go wrong today. Ill make sure of it. I gave her a grateful smile, and she
got up with a sigh. Think Id better go check on our boys. Then Ill see if Esme
needs any help in the kitchen. See you inside?
Absolutely. I nodded. Just give me a few minutes.
OoO

EPOV
Ill fucking kill him, I muttered between gritted teeth as I strode through the
hallway, just barely managing not to bump into Alice who stepped out of her old
room, smiling as she saw me. I ignored her and went on, I promise, love, Im
fine. Emmett was just messing with you. I had one beer last night, and I was back
here at the house before midnight. My battery died, or I wouldve called you when
I got home.
I believe you, baby, Bella sighed into the phone, a hint of amusement in her
voice. Look, Ill be over in about half an hour, but Im pretty sure Alice will steal
me away the moment I step through the door, so Im afraid I dont get to see you
until later. I missed you so much last night. I love you.
I couldnt keep the grin from spreading on my face - I would never get tired of
hearing those words. I love you, too. More than anything. Now Alices smile
grew impossibly wide, and I almost feared it would split her face in two. Shaking
my head as she practically skipped past me, heading for the bathroom, I slipped
into my room and closed the door firmly behind me.
Bella and I spoke for a few more minutes before we had to hang up. I missed her
like crazy, having not seen her since yesterday morning. It was the longest we had
been separated in a long time, seeing how we had been living together since our
first year of college, over two years ago. Neither of us wanted to live at the dorms,
so with a little help from Esme, Bella and I had found a small but decent
apartment not far from school.
Now it felt weird in a way, all of us being back at the house, not that things had
changed much around here. Even though Alice, Emmett and I had all long since
moved out, Carlisle and Esme insisted on keeping our rooms the way they were,
wanting the three of us to have a familiar place to stay whenever we came home to
visit.
Suddenly the door was flung open, disrupting the quiet, and Emmett barged into
the room, looking as excited as a little kid on Christmas morning. He rubbed his
hands together, exclaiming with a grin, Last night was a fucking blast! Or what
do you say?
I gave him a cold look, folding my arms across my chest. I just got off the phone
with Bella.
Oh. His smile faded. Look, I can explain-

Then explain to me, I cut him off, why she got a mysterious voice message in
the middle of the night, saying I got piss drunk, stole a police cruiser and went to
fucking Vegas?
Emmett let out a nervous chuckle. It was a joke! Ever seen The Hangover?
Brilliant movie. Seeing that I wasnt amused, he sighed in defeat. All right, it
seemed like a good idea at the time. In my defense, Id had a bit too much to
drink, and I was slightly bummed out because no one wanted to go find a strip
club with me. Hell, theres no shame in just looking!
When I just looked at him incredulously, he cleared his throat. Besides, I came
clean as soon as Bella called me back in hysterics. Trust me, a few years from
now, shell be laughing at this. He paused. You know, if you had woken up this
morning on a rooftop in Vegas, Bella wouldve found a way to blame the whole
thing on me, anyway. Shed let you get away with anything.
I snorted. Whatever. Did you want something?
Oh, no, I just thought we could hang out for a while. He threw himself down on
my bed. I mean, its not like youve got anything special planned for today,
right? He winked, and I rolled my eyes at him. Hey! Suddenly he sat up
straight, as if something had just occurred to him. Ill tell you what. Just to make
it up to Bella for my little joke last night, Ill send her another text, wishing her a
happy birthday.
Another? I shook my head as he eagerly pulled out his phone, deciding I didnt
want to know. Emmett knew that Bella didnt like to be reminded of her birthday,
so thats why he would do just that, simply to pester her. Of course, she wouldnt
be offended for real. The two of them just loved to torment each other in any way
they could.
There was a brief knock on the door, and the next moment, Alice flew into the
room, Jasper in tow. Oh, good, Em, youre already here. Bella will be here soon,
she went on informing us breathlessly. Edward, you cant see her until youre
both ready, so youll have to stay in here for at least two hours. After Ive helped
Bella getting dressed, Ill come back here to start on you.
Im perfectly capable of dressing myself, thank you very much, I grumbled,
much to Jasper and Emmetts amusement. Alice, seriously, you need to take a
fucking pill or something. Do you see me freaking out about all this?
No. She stopped, watching me with a frown on her face. Why arent you

freaking out? Edward, today is your-

I know! I couldnt help but chuckle at her genuinely confused expression. Im
not freaking out because Im fucking happy, Alice. Could you please just relax a
little? I swear, youre worse than Esme.
I thought I heard my name. Esme chose that moment to enter the room, a
cheerful note in her voice and a soft smile playing on her lips. Then her eyes
landed on me, and as if someone had just pulled a switch, she immediately clapped
her hand over her mouth to stifle a sob. I had to resist the urge to roll my eyes as
she tearfully pulled me into her arms, hugging me tightly.
Okay, theres no way Im worse than that, Alice giggled, causing Esme to
release me with an embarrassed laugh. She patted her arm. Come on, Mom, lets
get out of here, weve got work to do. Oh, and you might want to wait until the
last minute before putting on your make-up, or youll just ruin it with all of your
crying fits. The two of them left the room.
Yes, today was Bellas birthday. My beautiful Bella, who I now was certain I had
loved ever since the first time she literally stumbled into my life, that fateful day
years ago, back at Forks High. Of course, it had taken me quite a while to see it. I
cringed as I thought back to our very first meeting.
Watch where youre going, bitch.
W-what?
Just get the fuck out of my way.
As far as I was concerned, it was a miracle she hadnt just punched me in the face
and never spoken to me again. Bella had later confessed that she had initially
referred to me in her head as Green Eyed Jerk. Somehow, our first brief
encounter - disastrous as it may have been - had affected my girl just as deeply as
it had affected me. Hell, she had owned my heart ever since, I just didnt know it
at the time.
Alice once said she had known from the beginning that we were meant to end up
together. I didnt object - I sure as hell wouldnt bet against Alice.
And now, starting from today, Bella and I would always belong to each other in
every sense of the word, including legally.
Because today wasnt just my Bellas birthday. Today would also be the day I was

going to marry her.

OoO
BPOV
It had seemed like such a clever idea at the time, getting married on my birthday.
Not only had it sounded incredibly romantic, but I had secretly hoped that with
everyone being busy with the wedding preparations, there really wouldnt be any
time left to celebrate. Needless to say, they all saw straight through me and would
- Emmett in particular - tease me about it mercilessly.
Of course, I didnt really mind the teasing. Today was the day I would finally
become Mrs. Edward Cullen, and absolutely nothing could put a damper on my
mood. Well, except maybe the fact that Alice insisted on keeping me and Edward
separated until it was time to go, which - not surprisingly - turned out to be pure
torture.
Last night had been fun, although I knew Alice was a bit disappointed for not
being allowed to throw me a - in her opinion - proper bachelorette party. Seeing
how the mere thought made me squirm, I had firmly put my foot down, insisting
on just a quiet girls night with ice-cream and movies. Alice had reluctantly agreed,
after much persuasion from both Rose and Esme.
Emmett on the other hand had shamelessly begged, whined and pleaded for weeks,
until Edward finally couldnt take it anymore and caved in, agreeing to a guys
night out in Port Angeles. Of course, both Carlisle and Charlie would come along
as well, which unfortunately slipped my mind when Emmett decided to be funny
and wake me up in the middle of the night with his stupid prank phone call.
When I got back inside, I ran into Carlisle, who was looking around the room in
fascination. He smiled when he spotted me. Looks like Alice brought an entire
flower shop into our living room.
No kidding? I laughed, shaking my head. And to think that both Edward and I
begged her not to go over the top.
Carlisle chuckled. Alice means well. She just lives for these things. I think its
been killing her that you and Edward arent going for the traditional wedding.
I nodded, thinking he was probably right. Edward and I had been very specific

about what we wanted for this day. A simple ceremony would be held outside.
Then we would come back here for dinner and - of course - wedding cake. We
planned to stay and socialize with our families for an hour or so, and then Edward
and I would leave to spend our first night as a married couple at a fancy hotel in
Seattle.
After some discussion, we had decided to get married on the beach down at La
Push. At first we talked about having the ceremony at the meadow, which was the
place where Edward had first proposed to me, but we had soon reconsidered. The
meadow was our special place, and we liked the idea of keeping it all to ourselves.
Besides, I had to admit the thought of walking a mile through the forest in a white
dress and heels didnt really appeal to me.
So... Carlisle cleared his throat, causing me to snap out of my thoughts. Its
your wedding day. Are you nervous?
No. I shook my head without hesitation. Im just happy. I cant wait to get
married to Edward. Thats all I want, for us to be together forever.
Carlisle nodded in understanding, reaching out to take my hand. I can assure you,
Bella, thats all Edward wants as well. He paused. I remember when I first
became aware of your feelings for my son. He was in a very dark place back then.
Your revelation concerned me, and I warned you that he might never be able to
give you what you wanted.
I swallowed, tears welling up in my eyes. Yeah, I remember. You asked me to
come into your office, and I was so afraid you would tell me I couldnt see Edward
anymore, that you didnt think I was good enough for him. But then... I inhaled
shakily. You thanked me. And you said... My voice cracked.
I said you were an extraordinary girl, and that I believed you would be good for
him, Carlisle finished for me, smiling softly and squeezing my hand. Now I
know I was right. I smiled at him through my tears.
Who would have thought back then that Edward and I would ever get to the point
where we were today? We were happy, in love, and about to get married. Of
course, things hadnt always been easy. It had been a bumpy road, with lots of setbacks along the way.
To be honest, there were still days when we were struggling. Edward still suffered
from nightmares from time to time, not often these days, but it happened. And my
heart broke every time I held him in my arms afterwards, doing my best to soothe
him and wishing in vain that I could just take away the painful memories that kept

haunting him, even after all this time.

Healing was a long and slow process. But our love was strong, and real. We would
be okay.
When Alice came bouncing into the room a couple of minutes later, her entire
body practically vibrating as she announced it was time to get ready, any hint of
melancholy I had felt a moment ago quickly got replaced by pure joy. I grinned
widely. Come on, Alice, Im all yours. Make me look stunning!
OoO
EPOV
Emmett, Jasper and I were all lined up in the middle of the room, waiting
impatiently for Rosalie to finish her inspection. Finally she took a step back and
nodded in approval. You all look very handsome. I bet even Alice wont have any
complaints - Emmett, stop pulling on your tie, or itll get wrinkled!
But its so tight, he whined. I feel like I cant breathe. She rolled her eyes.
Ignoring their banter, Jasper turned to me with a grin. I heard you managed to
talk Alice out of renting a limo.
I let out a snort, knowing Bella would rather have taken her old truck, driving
down to the beach herself. Alice can have her fucking limo - when shes the one
getting married.
He chuckled, although it came out a bit strained, and I found myself wondering if
he was actually thinking of popping the question soon. If he was, I doubted anyone
would be surprised, seeing how he and Alice had practically acted like an old
married couple since the day they first got together. To be honest, I was shocked
Bella and I had beaten them to it.
A part of me still had a hard time to grasp the fact that all this was real. I would
still doubt myself sometimes, whenever I was having one of my bad days, but
Bella remained by my side through it all, just like she had promised, and our love
just seemed to grow stronger every day.
I still went to see Angela about once a month, which I had to admit helped a lot,
because memories of my past would still haunt me every once in a while, and
there were times when even Bellas presence couldnt keep the nightmares away.

But it was bearable, as long as she would be there when I woke up. And she
always was.
A lot had happened over the last three years, but overall, things had been good. I
wasnt really sure what I wanted to do after I had finished college, but I had
decided not to fret about it - I still had time to figure it out. It was not like I didnt
have any options, after all, I was mostly okay with being around other people these
days, although I still avoided crowded places if I could.
After giving it a lot of thought, I had finally told Carlisle not to look for any
further information regarding my biological father. I had to admit there was a time
when I had been a little curious, wondering if I might have some blood relatives
out there after all, but then I decided it didnt matter. I already had the best family I
could ask for, the only family I wanted.
I no longer felt like I was fucked up beyond repair, and more often than not, I
found myself getting up in the morning with a smile on my face, eager to see what
the new day would bring. I couldnt forget my past, but I had learned to accept it,
to live with it. Thanks to my family, and - of course - my Bella, who after today
would also be my wife.
Suddenly I knew I just had to see her, right now. Before anyone got the chance to
object, I was already out in the hallway, knocking frantically on Alices door. Not
bothering to wait for a response, I barged into the room. Bella and Alice both
jumped in surprise, Alice letting out a cry of protest as she saw me, but I ignored
her completely, only having eyes for my girl.
She was so fucking beautiful.
Edward? Bellas eyes were full of concern, and she instantly took a step towards
me. Is something wrong?
I shook my head as I quickly walked up to her, taking both her hands in mine.
Alice, I gave my sister a pleading look, Give us five minutes. Please? I fully
expected her to start arguing, but I wasnt going to back down.
To my utter surprise, Alices face softened immediately, and she nodded. Sure.
We were done, anyway. See you downstairs. With that, she turned and headed for
the door.
And Bella and I were alone.
She opened her mouth, but before she could say anything, I kissed her. If I had

taken her by surprise, she quickly recovered, her fingers finding their way to my
hair. A soft moan escaped her. First when the lack of air started to become an
issue, I reluctantly pulled back, looking her right in the eyes. Sorry, love. I just
needed that.
Dont apologize. Bella slipped her arms around my waist, resting her cheek
against my chest. Really, Im so glad youre here. I was just about to make a run
for it and come find you. Seriously, I dont want to spend another second apart
from you. From now on, I want you with me always.
I buried my face in her hair, chuckling. I might just hold you to that. Her only
response was to squeeze me tighter, letting out a content sigh. Bella? She tilted
her head slightly back, giving me a questioning look. I smiled crookedly. Marry
me?
She giggled. I will. In less than an hour. Then Im yours forever.
Forever and forever and forever, I agreed with a firm nod. Come on, love. Time
to go. Bella beamed at me when I took her hand, leading her towards the door,
and our future.

TheEnd

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