Table

of Contents
Mandarin Optional
Chapter 1
Chapter 2
Chapter 3
Chapter 4
Chapter 5
Chapter 6
Chapter 7
Chapter 8
Chapter 9
GLossary

Mandarin Optional
by Darby Jones



For legal reasons, I am obliged to state that this is purely a work fiction, although any resemblance to
persons living or deceased will be plainly apparent to those fortunate enough to be in BKK at the time.
This is of course, a complete coincidence.


The primary aim for this book is to share knowledge and to entertain. It is completely free from copyright
restrictions.

If you purchased this book: Thank you for supporting my work! Your purchase motivates me to continue
to produce new material. Every sale is important to me, both financially and personally. Please feel free
to share this book with all of your friends.
If you did not buy this book: I hope that you enjoyed reading this book. I understand that limited
distribution networks mean that this book is not available for sale in many parts of the world or even to
those without credit cards. I also understand that for many people, file sharing networks are the only way
to access ebooks like this. If you enjoyed this book then please help spread the word by voting it up and
leaving positive reviews on the tracker site where you found it. Please support private trackers with
donations whenever possible.

Chapter 1

I WILL NEVER forget the very first time that I met the extraordinary Christian D. Taulkinghorn Esq. We
were on holiday in a small Himalayan town that you have probably never heard of, even though it attracts
more tourists in a month than most countries draw in an entire year. Among the Chinese, The ancient city
of Lijiang has a well-deserved reputation for holiday romance and so I had taken a trip with my
Shanghainese trophy girlfriend, hoping that it would add a little spark to our now seriously lagging
relationship. At the last minute, she had decided to invite Jessica, her newest best friend, along for the
trip. I was disappointed at first, but then she had dropped a few hints that there could be a chance of a
spinage-a-trois. I had tolerated this unexpected intrusion, hoping that there might be some unexpected
prizes in store later on. Thus far though, there had more chance of being bitten by a dinosaur. It was only
shopping, eating and spending that were reaching distinctly orgiastic proportions.
That particular day, we had all been out to the spectacular Tiger Leaping Gorge for a bit of light hiking
with a locally-based Kiwi tour-guide and his highland collie, Lassie. Although shy and stand-offish with
the locals, this beautifully photogenic dog had been a sweetheart with me all day. My two Chinese girls
on the other hand, had been out-and-out-bitches. They did little but moan, complain, and generally berate
the rest of mankind for the total lack of designer fashion boutiques and other interesting shopping
opportunities. I was clearly fed up and Kenneth, our tour guide, had taken me back to the guest house for
an extra-strong Yunnan coffee. Here we waited for the girls, as they once more ventured back into the Old
Town, looking for even more sun hats, shoes and party dresses. The whole trip was turning into a bit of a
nightmare and then suddenly, without warning things turned around completely.
We were chatting with George, the Mongolian manager of our small boutique hotel, when he was called
down to the front door to greet a couple of hot, young European girls.
Give me a minute please guys, I have to go and sort out a couple of new guests. Their skimpy cut-off
denim shorts and tight-fitting, low-cut T-shirts contrasted starkly with their massively oversized
rucksacks. These were promptly dumped on the doorway floor. From behind them stepped what appeared
to be the local Witch-Finder General.
George, my old friend! You have any doubles left for my two new friends here?
He strode menacingly forward and shook George's hand vigorously. He then stretched out his long
black-clad arms like some giant bird of prey to encircle the two Scandi babes, introducing them as they
giggled and smiled coquettishly. Below his wide brimmed, black Khampa cowboy hat and dark
tortoiseshell sunglasses, his face was almost entirely obscured. The cavernous, full-length great-coat was
large enough to frame the three of them like a vast opera-house stage-curtain. In a provincial Chinese
tourist town, two blond bombshells like this would usually capture everybody's attention, but this dark,
Gothic stranger had such a commanding presence, I imagined he stole the show pretty much wherever he
went.
Passing the two young Agnetha lookalikes off to George, like they were a pair of bend-and-shape
Barbies, he strode confidently into the main courtyard as if he owned the place. Slowly scanning the
gathered residents, he focussed his attention on us, where we sat below the flowering white wisteria. His
all black outfit was very much Lord Edmund Blackadder meets Chronos the Vampyre Hunter, and he
swaggered across the tiles with all the confidence of Harry Flashman arriving at the Halloween Ball.
Opening his arms wide, he dropped to one knee and cried,
Hello my darling, I haven't seen you for weeks.
Lassie leapt across the floor, making tight figure-eights at his feet as he nuzzled and petted her.
Alright now, sit down. he admonished and immediately she became completely still, as he rifled
through his not inconsiderable selection of pockets. I could see his outfit in a little more detail now. On

his feet, he wore an outrageously pointed pair of steel-tipped winkle-pickers that looked as though they
had been custom-made for a Columbian drug lord. A matching pair of black, low-slung slacks with some
kind of leather belt-pouch in the shape of bull's head and horns. It was from here that he pulled out a stick
of dried yak jerky and motioned towards Lassie for an extended paw. She dutifully obliged and was
immediately rewarded with a chewy Tibetan treat. I could not believe it. All day long this dog had been
an aloof princess with just about everybody she met, and now some bizarre steampunk gun-slinger shows
up, looking as though he has just walked off the set of The Good, the Bad and the Weird, and suddenly she
was as soft as playdoh.
My guide dutifully introduced me, and our mysterious new friend motioned across to the Nordic girls to
come and join him. My jaw must have been somewhere down on the floor as Lassie and the two Scandi's
began vying for his attention. With two leggy blondes squeezed in either side of him onto the battered old
sofa, Kenneth began filling me in on the newcomer's background.
Christian sometimes does a bit of guiding with me but spends most of his time travelling.
By the look of his outfit, I could have easily imagined him breaking into subterranean crypts to battle
the forces of evil with an antique cutlass and a Webley revolver full of silver bullets. I was therefore
rather disappointed when Kenneth explained that he was a freelance travel writer, and had worked on
guide books for all the major publishers. I had been expecting him to hunt down vicious lycanthropes and
dispatch wayward demons back to the lower planes of existence. He artfully dodged most of the questions
that were being asked in rapid-fire succession by the two girls, giving a series of winks, raised eyebrows
and Can you guess? responses. These only piqued their interest and made them even more inquisitive.
It was just then that my own two girls, Ginger and Jessica decided to show up, clutching a selection of
freshly purchased shopping bags. I thoroughly expected them to ignore us completely and march off up to
their rooms, so that they could sulk, pout and relentlessly back-stab me in private. Instead, they seemed
inexorably drawn over to where we were sitting, like jealous kittens, intent on stealing whatever it was
that their European rivals were playing with. Both Ginger and Jessica were serious head-turners back in
cosmopolitan Shenzhen and so, out here in the provinces, they nearly always caused a commotion
wherever they went. Jessica was sporting a bleach-blonde flat-top that made her look like an exotic,
oriental version of Brigitte Neilson, while Ginger had a roaring twenties, jet-black page-boy that Louise
Brooks would have died for. Between them, they were more than a match for some upstart Swedish
wannabes and the courtyard quickly filled with electric tension. They both casually sauntered over and
proceeded to give me ridiculously overstated pecks on the cheeks. They delicately parked themselves
next to Kenneth and myself, obviously awaiting introductions all round. It was clear as he leaned forward,
much to the displeasure of the two young Swedes, that Christian D. Taulkinghorn was not a man to wait
around for such niceties.
Good afternoon ladies, gallantly offering an outstretched hand. So what have you been buying
today?
It was like watching a puppet-master pulling invisible strings. He leant back, returning to his blonde
companions, firing up my two girls into action like most guys would press buttons on a TV remote. This
was definitely a master at work. With calm self-assurance, he let my two newcomers display their last
hour's purchases. It did not take long before the two Scandis were being pulled into the party, helping try
on wildly embroidered caps and faux fur, snow-leopard waistcoats. Before long, all four of them were
strutting up and down the courtyard like it was a Parisian catwalk. I could see from his relaxed pose that
Christian was entirely used to holding court in this way. He only needed offer the briefest words of
encouragement to keep the girls competing with each other. He had still removed neither his hat nor his
shades and I almost felt that we were all in some kind of strange Snoop Dogg music video, with him
directing the entire proceedings. Surprisingly, it was all very reassuring and I was now starting to feel
almost as comfortable and relaxed as he appeared to be.

By now, the four girls were fast friends and were together eagerly planning the evening's activities. Our
new friend clearly knew how to leave on a high note and made a promise to come back in a couple of
hours to join us all for dinner. He explained that he knew a great over-the-bridge noodle restaurant that
we would all enjoy immensely. And then like a late afternoon shadow, he was gone, leaving a sense of
palpable excitement in his wake. Surprisingly, I was left nearly as breathless as the four excited females.

To be fair, Lijiang leaves most of its visitors breathless, partly because it is nearly two miles above sea
level, but mainly because it is so beautiful. The old town is exceptionally well-preserved, and has long
been an final stopping point before entering the harsh environments of the High Himalaya. For thousands
of years traders, muleteers and yak-masters have braved the high trails to transport highly-prized Puer Tea
from Yunnan and Burma all the way up to the Tibetan Plateau. There it was exchanged for thoroughbred
stallions from the fertile Ferghana Valley in Uzbekistan. The dramatic landscape of the surrounding valley
is set in the most spectacular natural scenery of sparsely populated nature reserves, isolated farms, and
shepherds' pastures. Directly to the north, the breathtaking Jade Dragon Snow Mountains dominate the
valley, her peaks rising to almost 5,600 meters. That is nearly 18,000 feet. Neither the highest points of
the Rockies nor the Alps rise more than 16,000 feet.
There has been a settlement of inns, stores and caravanserais in Lijiang since the end of the Southern
Song Dynasty. Here the Jade River divides into three main tributaries, forming an ancient water system of
great complexity which still functions today. Flowing from North to South, the three main branches subdividing into a network of channels, culverts and streams, each flowing through traditional courtyards and
highly-decorated dwellings. Countless springs and wells dot the historical townscape and there are more
than 350 bridges, some wooden, some stone. Streets are paved with huge flagstones of a fine-grained red
breccia, and lined with architecturally outstanding, wooden frame and adobe structures. Heavy stone
foundations support plastered and lime-washed walls with brick panels at each corner. Ornately tiled
roofs preside over elegant gateway arches, screen walls and external corridors. These in turn are
accompanied by elaborately carved doors, windows and exposed roof beams. At an altitude of just over
two thousand metres, Lijiang's night-time temperatures drop considerably once the blazing sun finally
sets.
Just as he had promised, Christian returned at seven o'clock sharp. This time the all black attire had
been replaced with an amazing trooping-the-colour costume. He had completely transformed his image
from Gothic Unforgiven into dashing English prince. Blues and Royals' trousers with thick red stripes,
matched perfectly to an authentic Irish Guards tunic, the same kind that made so many hearts flutter at the
summers' royal wedding. This guy was clearly a genius. After a few necessary pleasantries, he strode
away down the cobbled alleyway, with Lassie at his heel like some regimental mascot. The rest of us
meekly followed, sucked into the wake of the most arresting pair in town.
I am not sure if it was the way that he was dressed but for the entire evening, we were treated like
royalty. All over the old town, visitors were snapping pictures of Christian and Lassie. The girls were as
shocked as we were because for once, they were no longer the centre of attention. Two show-stoppers
like Ginger and Jessica consistently halt traffic and a pair of blonde Scandinavian hotties are a major
event almost anywhere in a largely homogeneous China. I was astonished to see what were usually surly,
uncooperative waitresses, fawn and scrape at the appearance of the scarlet pimpernel and his trusty
canine companion. Christian was a true operator, and while he was not outwardly doing so himself, he
somehow encouraged every one else around him to flirt outrageously.
Kenneth leant over to me a gave me a little background. At the top of the table, Christian played the role
of an elegant and stylish Henry Tudor. Not the evil old tyrant, but back in the days before his jousting
accident, when he was still a charming and debonair young man, rather than flying into foul rages and
lopping off heads left, right and centre.

He's a right piece of work, but he is pretty good value. And I reckon that you have impressed him. he
added.
I turned and looked directly at Kenneth, shocked by his statement.
You're kidding, I replied, With all this top tottie on hand, I'd be surprised if even he even knows I
am here.
Don't kid yourself, most expats turn up here with some stumpy, little Hubei farm girl, not a pair of
first-tier corkers like Ginger and Jessica. I can assure you that this is just the kind of thing he notices.
The four girls were constantly vying for his attention. A couple of waitresses hovering in the
background, clearly wished that they had chosen super-short city-girl haircuts, rather than keeping the
waist-length locks that are still so popular in the countryside.
He spends the summer up here in the foothills and then follows the weather down through Thailand
and Malaysia in the winter. You two should hook up when you are next in Chiang Mai or Bangkok.
Thanks, but as you can see I already have two hot girls without having to hang around for his leftover
table-scraps.
Correction, you recently had two hot girls. Forgive me for saying so, but if these girls are with you,
then why are they over there, salivating over the Prince William lookalike? He had a point, but I was
still unwilling to admit any such weaknesses.
Anyway, Thailand is all full of hookers, regular girls would not be seen with a foreigner in case
someone mistakes them for a bar-girl.
That may be true but I have never actually seen Christian with local girls. He only ever goes for
tourists. He is usually here with some wealthy Singapore Fu Poh or some Hongkie holiday maker. Down
in Thailand he loves mixing it up with Chinese tourists.
I was intrigued to say the least. Here he was fending off my girls like two playful puppies, but in turn,
they were working harder and harder to compete with their Stockholm competitors. As if reading my
mind, he slowly started to actively bring Kenneth and I back into the conversation. Actually, I soon
realised that he was ever so slowly delegating my girls back under my influence, so that he could extricate
himself with the two young Swedes, and he was doing it ever so elegantly.
So, I hear that you spend some time down in the Land of Smiles... he offered open-endedly. He had
been testing the girls all night and I wondered if he was now testing me as well. I would love to have a
try my hand at a bit of gem trading down there one day.
Actually, I spent quite a bit of time down in Chantaburi, where they have some beautiful star
sapphires. These days I hear that pigeon-blood rubies from just over the border in Burma are the really
hot items in that market. We were soon comparing notes on remote parts of Myanmar and Eastern
Thailand, joking about cross-border casino adventures and Khun Sa drug-runners posing as Thai soldiers.
Suddenly, I could feel a kind of reflected respect coming from Ginger and Jessica. This was a sensation
that had been sadly lacking since we arrived a few days ago. When he asked me if I spent much time in
Hong Kong, it was Ginger that hijacked the topic on my behalf. She proudly announced that I had been in
Causeway Bay for the big Anicom Cosplay Convention in August, as if it was some kind of badge of
honour. God alone knows why she thought that he would be impressed by that but all of a sudden, I was
the centre of his attention. He was asking me all kinds of detailed questions about the event and the local
scene. When he found out that I had been there with the local 501st Garrison, Ginger must have regretted
ever mentioning the subject. Once he learned that I had a storm trooper outfit, the girls were scrambling to
keep themselves in the conversation. He pumped me for all kinds of information about vacuum forming
and 3D printing and custom-built accessories. Somehow his attention was infectious. Here we were
discussing the most uber-geek cosplay intricacies and yet both Ginger and Jessica, along with the two
Swedish girls were all rapt by our conversation. Jessica was usually much more focussed of four very
different Cs. These consisted of a guy's Cash, Career, Condo and Car. Certainly not cosplay and clone

troopers, but even she was looking at me as if I had just won the China State Lottery.
We will be in Bangkok again for Chen Jie, won't we honey, Ginger piped up, smiling sweetly in my
direction. Jessica's eyebrows were well out of alignment and I could immediately tell that the whole
situation had reversed. Something was definitely going down.
That is a great idea, Christian agreed, I certainly do not want to be stuck here for Chinese New
Year. We should hook up in Bangkok. And suddenly it was settled. It was as if all the laughter and
flirtation had been building up to something intangible and at the same time, imminently palpable. Now
that an agreement had been made, the pressure had been relieved, and everybody was happy to go their
own separate ways.
Up on Lion Hill, the Pavilion was lit up like a lighthouse. The air was cold and crisp. Lijiang Old
Town was surrounded on all sides by steep mountain peaks and the sky was filled with bright pinpoints of
distant stars. The early evening crowds had already dissipated back to their accommodations and all that
could be heard was the gentle bubbling of the flowing streams that criss-crossed the ancient alleyways.
Christian headed off into the night with a Swedish sex-bomb on each arm, while I walked back to the
guest house flanked by two completely reinvigorated China stunners, who clearly wanted to party into the
wee hours. While they performed like a couple of outrageous Jezebels all night long, it was in fact a
delicious last tango for Ginger and I. One final swansong before we split up shortly after. She was making
major progress in her new real-estate career and quickly moved back to Shanghai. Pudong was a much
more suitable base for jetting about between London, New York and Sydney. The latest anti-corruption
measures were keeping her extremely busy, knocking out shell companies and luxury condos to Party
members, all keen to make a sharp exit before the true extent of their graft was discovered.

Chapter 2

CHRISTMAS came and went and then about two weeks after regular New Year, Christian sent me an
email. He outlined his Thai schedule and asked me if I still wanted to meet up. He was politely sorry to
hear that Ginger had gone her separate way, but between the lines I sensed that he was actually quite
pleased. He gave me address in Banglampoo which he used as his Krung Thep home-base.
And so it was that I found myself apprenticed to the most accomplished lothario in all Asia. After
Gingers' unexpected departure I was feeling especially sorry for myself. It was almost as if I had lost my
mojo at the same time as losing my trophy girlfriend. My confidence had taken a real beating and I was
not sure whether I really wanted to chase around South East Asia with some playboy poser. Of course, I
had been to Bangkok many times before and I had even been dragged around the girly bars of Nana and
Cowboy. After such a long time in the Shanghai and Shenzhen scenes, I was like a fish out of water in
those seedy, sordid places. In China, I had learned through hard won experience that quickest way to
capture the heart of Chinese princess was to treat her like a spoiled hooker. Down in Thailand, that
strange mix of teasing sarcasm and accusation went over really badly with real-world working girls.
Their work was done mostly in the horizontal position and they were certainly not happy to have to work
for my attention when we had only just met. It was just as incongruous for me. Meeting the opposite sex
was more like a sport, a witty interplay where each one challenged the other to finally submit. In
Thailand, it was all broken English bar-talk, and depressingly forgone conclusions. No matter how cool
or charming I was, I was still a punter and there was a menu of set fees that everybody had agreed upon.
Where is the challenge if you know that you are going to fork out 2000 baht for the pleasure at the end of
the evening? And where is the pleasure if there has been no sport? In China, I was the quarry, a rare,
white-skinned piece of exotica for whom I could make girls compete for my attention. That kind of
attitude does not go down in a bar full of pole dancers used to suctioning cash out of fat farangs. Now that
I was single again, my previous cockiness had all but dried up. I could feel that I was slowly turning back
into the shy, ugly duckling that I had been before I left England. Fortunately, Christian was first and
foremost a contrarian and my education began almost immediately. As soon as I started making
suggestions for where should hang out, he simply kept shaking his head.
How about we start the evening off up at Democracy night-market? The footbridge between the
subway and the bus-stop is always packed with uni girls in their tight white blouses and pencil skirts.
He nodded in agreement, clearly knowing the place well.
That would be fine if we were on a Rolf Harris type under-age hunting trip, but I have got better things
to do than get deported for messing around with Buddhist jail-bait. I want to let you know that we are not
here to chase Thai girls like every other white guy in the Kingdom. We will leave that scene to the wifebeaters, the embassy cookie-pushers and the wannabe porno directors. Instead we are here for the
tourists...
The look of confusion was clear on my face, and so he added reassuringly,
Don't worry, I know that you have good taste. I can still recall Ginger and Jessica, so I realise that you
do not suffer under-achievers. But the fact is that we are not here for Nok Yollada lookalikes and Poy Wan
wannabes. In fact, we'll be swimming against the stream all the way for the next couple of weeks, like a
pair of winter-run steel-heads. I need to arrange a couple of quality companions for next year and so Thai
is completely off the menu. We will be sticking entirely with Chinese the entire trip.
Doubtless, I still had that confused expression.
You know, my Chinese is not half as good as yours. I admitted rather apologetically.
Will you stop fretting? This is Bangkok not Beijing, and Mandarin is completely optional. I know that
you think that you are a bit of a 'playa' back in the Peoples' Republic, but this is the Big Mango and I can

assure that by the end of the week, you'll be beating them off with a stick.
It was surprising that I had never thought about this before. After all, places like Kuta Beach in Bali
were almost legendary with tales of carefree Japanese party-girls, throwing off their Tokyo inhibitions
and acting like Nipponese nymphomaniacs for a fortnight. At a distinctly lower end of the scale, Balearic
resort towns like Magaluf and Ayia Napa in Cyprus are notorious for being filled with all kinds of English
girls gone wild. Perhaps it was because the Mainland Chinese have only recently started venturing abroad
that I had never considered this phenomenon before, but Christian had discovered a new tidal wave and
was surfing it like a true pioneer.
He booked me into a cosy little guest house down near the train station on the edge of Chinatown, and
we adjourned to a street stall just outside for a lunch of pork hocks and rice. At least the outfits had been
toned down somewhat. He showed up in what looked like a Pink's shirt, along with a neatly pressed pair
of Chinos and a pair of shiny chestnut brogues. All he needed was a scarf and peaked cap, and he could
have easily passed himself of as a yacht skipper or the pilot of a private jet. I, on the other hand had
completely forgotten that it was a Monday, and was wearing an unlucky red polo, atop a pair of khaki
shorts.
It's usually yellow on a Monday, and then pink on a Tuesday here, you know?
Here we were in down-town Bangkok and he insisted on speaking to me in Mandarin, which I found
strange to say the least.
So, how bad is your Chinese then? he inquired.
Not bad but not terrible either, I replied, using a standard phrase that was common down in
Guangdong.
That's good. he replied. Down here, hardly any of the locals that are under sixty can speak any
Putonghua, and even then, most of the old folks are more used to Hokkien and Hakka. Therefore, in most
Thai areas, we can use our Chinese as a secret form of communication. That said, rule number one; I don't
normally speak Chinese when there are Chinese tourists around. It just gives away our natural advantage.
He was talking very quickly and I was starting to get confused. I was relieved when he reverted back to
English.
It is handy being able to understand what they are saying about us, but most Chinese that come here
speak decent English these days, so we can use that to our advantage too. So, did you see anything
interesting back at your guest house? That place is usually heaving with Chinese backpackers at this time
of year.
He was right; I had not seen another European all morning. Instead it was mainly Cantonese girls with a
smattering of Japanese and Koreans mixed in. It is difficult to explain how I could tell the north eastern
Asians apart, but just as we Brits can usually tell the difference between Englanders and Continentals, it
was quite easy to spot the Mainlanders amongst all the other orientals. If anything, it was even easier
again to tell the Chinese apart from the local Thais. There were lots of give-aways but the most important
thing to notice was that Chinese girls wore much less make up than their Thai counterparts. They also had
a slightly different fashion sense and best of all, were not surgically attached to their phones. The first
thing that a visitor to Bangkok notices is how every Thai female under the age of 40 is permanently glued
to their mobile. This alone makes it a piece of cake to spot the tourists who are not afflicted with such an
unpleasant predisposition. Their dress is much more casual, and Chinese tourists tend to prefer long,
flowing hippy-chick dresses with big woven summer hats. All the Thai girls dress with much more
ambition and purpose. Hardly surprising when they are all competing in the same Bangkok rat race.
Chinese are far more likely to be consulting a map than an iPhone. Checking out the subway stop legend
above the carriage doors is another dead give away. They tend to have big 'Jackie O' sunglasses and even
bigger, expensive 'dafan' digital cameras. Unlike Thai females they do not hide their interest in handsome
Westerners like Christian and myself. No regular Thai girl would be caught dead checking out a foreigner

on the subway. With so many sex tourists visiting the country, she would be petrified that someone might
mistake her for a hooker. And even the real hookers do not pick up johns on the metro. It is after all, just
their job and they restrict that kind of behaviour to the bars. Chinese girls have no such inhibitions. So if
you sense that you are being checked out, then there is a pretty good chance that she is not from around
here.
So what day is it today? he asked, obviously thinking where we should hit first.
Because it is Saturday, answering his own rhetorical question, then everybody is going to be up at
Chatuchak already. It is going to be far too hot to go chasing around a crowded market. We'll head across
to Khaosan and I'll show you a few places I know. You have a tux?
It was an unexpected question that caught me completely off guard. Why would I need a tux if were
going to Khaosan Road. I knew the area well from previous visits and the fact that I did not have smelly
dreadlocks, a skin full of dodgy tattoos and a half a kilo of stainless steel stuck in my face, always made
me feel rather under dressed. Tuxedos on Khaosan Road would have made us look about as
inconspicuous as polar bears in a penguin rookery.
You don't think that tux is a bit much for Khaosan Road? I asked, wondering if I was missing
something.
Maybe a little bit, he shrugged, Actually, I meant for later in the evening. I was thinking about
stopping off at a tailor's I know that is nearby on Ti Thong, but a tux might actually be good for Khaosan,
especially if it stays nice and mild like this. We can pop in and meet Mr Sinchai. He can size you up for a
DJ and a dickie and then we can stop off at a little place I know that does great dim sum. I can never stop
eating whenever I am in Bangkok.
He led me onto a beaten and battered number 53 bus. For the princely sum of seven baht we took an
hour long back-street tour of Chinatown, Little India, the Flower Market and finally the Buddhist Artifact
street-market that sprang up on weekends just down by Wat Pho. He pointed out all sorts of interesting and
unusual places from Muslim confectionery shops selling the most delicious sweet dainties to Hindu
import shops filled with all kinds of goodies from Kerala and Bengal. It was clear from the very
beginning that Christian was a mine of information regarding Asia. This was going to be an incredibly
enriching experience all round.
We jumped off the bus on the other side of the Royal Field and walked down a quiet khlong which
bought us out into a street filled with temple supply shops. Everything from saffron robes and incense
sticks, all the way up to enormous golden statues of deities and ancient mythical beasts. We took a left and
suddenly all the shops were now selling police uniforms. Everything from high peaked caps and highway
patrol riding-breeches to medal ribbons and ceremonial swords. Tucked inside a back alley, we climbed
up a dubious looking fire escape and into what looked more like a royal shrine that a tailor's shop.
Mr Sinchai. Sabaideemai? Christian was addressing a small gentlemen that looked suspiciously like
a retired Yul Brynner.
This is my friend Darby and he needs a tuxedo ASAP. He turned to me and added,
Khun Sinchai made that Guards' Tunic that I was wearing last time I saw you in Lijiang. Actually, It
was not really an Irish Guards jacket at all. It was really a Changing of the Guards tunic, as worn by our
King every December. and he pointed up to one of the many pictures, which literally covered the walls.
Mrs Sinchai served hot oolong from Chaozhou, while the four of us sat sipping tea under the watchful
gaze of the beneficent King Bhumibol, his image appearing all over the walls of this little room, in what
must have been almost a hundred different photos. Khun Sinchai then proceeded to take my inside leg and
lower back measurements while I focussed casually on some of His Majesty's highlights. In one shot he
was shaking hands with a huge white elephant, or should I say the trunk of the sacred beast. In another, He
and the Queen were sat alongside Elvis, King Cat himself, as he is known in China. They all looked super
cool, like they were on some jet-set vacation to the Italian Riviera. It was a very attractive look and I

mentally filed it away under Thai sixties nostalgia for possible future use. After another three dozen
rounds of bowing and wai-ing, we were on our way. I was clutching a receipt for 1000 baht with written
instructions to return the day after tomorrow.
About a hundred yards along the road, we sat down on stainless steel stools at a matching table,
slurping crushed iced with limes and putting away numerous plates of steamed dim sum. Christian told me
some more about his plans for our time in Bangkok.
We'll go jump on a boat and see who is down at the Temple of the Dawn. he said as he used his own
personal pair of retractable chopsticks to dip mushroom-topped fish balls into soy sauce and vinegar. I
like Thai girls as much as the next man. The main problem is that the next man here is usually some
twenty-stone Bavarian that makes Jimmy Savile look like innocent choirboy. That kind of shit sticks to all
foreigners whether we like it or not.
He ordered three more of the diminutive dishes and continued.
Bangkok now gets more tourists than either Paris or London and increasingly those tourists are freespending Chinese. The statistics say that most stay for at least a week and spend around two hundred
dollars a day on average. Now, we may not be official tour guides but someone has got to show these
girls on how to spend all that cash properly and have a really good time. And the strange thing is that they
are nearly all girls. What few guys there are tend to stick with the tour groups, but ninety nine percent of
the independents and backpackers tend to be female. Now I do not make the rules but I sure know
favourable odds when I see them. Of course, they all love shopping and the big malls like Paragon and
MBK are filled to the gunnels. The main problem is that kind of atmosphere is too familiar for them and
they are just not as receptive as they are when they are out seeing the sights. Shopping centres are good
places to arrange meetings but the main tourist spots are much better for making initial contact.
He spoke to the old lady behind the desk in Cantonese, asking for the 'mai dan.' She in turn snapped
back '160!' as if we were a couple of scruffy coolies looking for a handout.
She's a right miserable old bag but she does have nice dim sum. he said to me in plain English,
knowing full well that she did not speak a word. In contrast to her contempt, all the young Thai waitresses
waied profusely as we got up to leave. The difference between the Thai workers and the surly Chinese
owners could not have been more stark.
We took a slow stroll past the Independence Monument and turned right up into Khaosan, just opposite
Burger King. Compared to the calm tranquillity of most Bangkok back streets, this was a real assault on
the senses. All the natural charm of the local populace here had been replaced by raw capitalism and
crass commercialism. The vendors here had absolutely no need to be polite with the tourists. They would
all be gone in a few days and replaced by plane loads of fresh faces that could relentlessly be taken
advantage of. Bang in the centre of the street, a dark, skinny teenager was offering thick, greasy kebabs,
probably made from unfortunate soi dogs. Directly to her left, were vast poster boards filled with pictures
of every kind of fake ID that you could possibly think of, and behind that, a jewellery shop that
specialised in surgical steel body piercings. On the right, sat a bedreadled youngster weaving red braids
into the blonde locks of a lobster-coloured Scandi girl. Behind her, two Indian guys loitered in front of a
tailor's shop that would probably have been five times the price of Mr Sinchai.
Scattered among all the Euro hippies and English cheapskates, the Chinese stood out like sore thumbs.
Three hinterland escapees, probably from 'Funan' by way of Shi Pai, criss-crossed the street from one
clothing stall to the next. Each one was wearing flower-printed Goa pantaloons and had fake silk scarves
covering their shoulders. Huge designer shades and floppy summer hats completed what seem to be the
agreed upon uniform for Mainland tourists. A coiled spring Korean girl passed by us and the distinction
was clear. She was at least five shades darker but was flaunting her tan with skin tight boy shorts and a
Lycra boob tube. Even the shades were different. The sassy Seoulite had a sporty pair of Oakleys, clearly
marking her out as an athletic adventure-traveller rather than a Chinese shopaholic.

Down here on the main drag, the tables of the pavement bars were filled with overweight Europeans,
jet lagged and jaded, legs as white as milk bottles. A pair of not-so-young Essex gals came walking along
towards us, dexterously smoking duty-free Bennos with one hand while shovelling great mounds pad-thai
into their cake-holes with the other. A suave young Hindu in a tailored shirt and tight pants tried to accost
us with a half-hearted
Hello guys, where you from?
No speak English, snapped Christian in a clipped Russian accent, like a surly Crimean militiaman
addressing a BBC camera crew. The young Mumbai guy stepped sharply back, clearly not wanting to be
annexed.
Up at the police station on the top of the street, a ragged assembly of international unfortunates were
being herded from the main door. Leg shackles and chains dragged along the concrete as they boarded a
steel meshed songtaew which had been converted into a makeshift prison bus. Christian looked at me with
raised eyebrows.
This is what happens if don't have enough money to pay off the police. In Thailand, crime does not pay
unless you are a Red Bull heir or you can afford to go into long term exile.
We took another sharp left and suddenly the alley was filled with open fronted guest houses, their soft
chairs spilling out onto the pavement. Here the vibe was much more chilled and there were plenty of
opportunities for a couple of likely lads like us.
Pull me away as if we are late for meeting. he instructed as he veered off towards the entrance to one
of the many Sawasdee guest houses that lined this particular street. Pulling up short in front of a table
where two short-haired Chinese girls were consulting a Bangkok street map, he placed his palms together
and made an exaggeratedly deep bow, directly in front of them.
Sawatdeeeeeeeeee-krap he intoned as if addressing the venerated abbot of a ancient temple.
Khun prassa angrit krap? can you speak English?
I stepped in immediately and grabbed him by the elbow, So sorry ladies, come on Chris, we have to
go.
Seeing that we might disappear as quickly as we had appeared, the older of the pair promptly piped up,
Yes, a little...
Cool. You girls look so beautiful, can we take a picture together? and motioned towards the
ornamental Buddha head fountain at the main entrance of the guest house. Their faces lit up like new year
firecrackers and they jumped up from the table, displaying an eagerness that was hard to believe.
Chris.... I began, We do not have time for this.
No problem, this will just take a minute. and he handed me his Lumix. He offered an elbow to each of
the girls and escorted them over to the fountain where I took multiple shots, after which he reseated them
both gently at their table. He picked up their map, and asked, So, where are you going today?
Er, Grand Palace. the taller one offered meekly.
Oh yes, answered Chris, going into professional tour guide mode, It used to be a Chinese tea factory
you know and there is a very interesting museum inside.
Really, said Shorty, We are Chinese too
Christian's face dropped, Oh, so you are not Thai? sounding extremely disappointed.
No, no. From China, she added, looking visibly confused.
Chris! I sounded as impatient as I could, We are going to be late!
OK, OK. he replied resignedly and now it was the turn of the two girls as their their faces dropped.
Maybe see you later, the taller one offered hopefully, This our guest house. She clearly did not
know what else to say.
Yeah, OK. Maybe later... and he gave them a cheeky smile before turning around and following me
down the street.

Once we were out of earshot, I began gushing excitedly.

Wow, that was amazing. You knew they were Chinese and you were just playing with them. Did you
see their faces?
Kittens like that will only play with a ball of wool if you offer it nicely and then take it right away
again. We can go back later. There were another two Dongbei girls inside that were watching us like
hawks. Probably not Shaanxi coal heiresses if they are staying at the Sawasdee, but they were both nice
looking all the same. We'll have a wander up to the fort, grab some fruit and then head back and see if
those two in front have anything to offer. By the way, you were pretty good but there is no need to be so
urgent. It is just an appointment, not an emergency. Try being a bit more annoyed and not so panicked. And
stop sweating so much. Jeez, you sweat like a rapist!
It was maybe not the most encouraging thing for him to say but what was I expecting? Did I really think
that he was going to tell me to let go of my emotions and try to feel the Force? He clearly had this routine
down pat and I would quickly have to find something to contribute if he was going to see me as an equal
and less of a hindrance. My apprenticeship had certainly begun and I was going to have to up my game
considerably if I wanted to gain his respect.
So what did you think of those two? he asked pointedly.
Not bad, I replied, I like short hair, but I like the short 'penjing' type too. and we both laughed.
Short hair is actually a good Chinese tourist indicator, as you may well know. Thai girls have to have
their hair cut short all the way through high school and so the first thing that do when they graduate, is
grow it right down their shoulders. Now a couple of rural migrants like that are just the opposite. In the
big coastal cities having hair that goes all the way down to your ass is a sure sign of having a village
upbringing. Girls like that tend to go for short crops as soon as they arrive in the big smoke. None of them
want to be thought of as peasants any more. So where do you reckon these two were from?
Weren't they speaking to each other in Bai-hua?
Well spotted, so more likely Tian He than Panyu but perhaps via somewhere like Huizhou or
Qingyuan. We'll find out soon enough.
Up around the corner was a street vendor selling cold, sliced fruit out of glass cases. We grabbed a bag
of papaya and another of pineapple for twenty baht each and headed back to the guest house.
Follow my lead, he urged as we came in for the final approach. Can we sit here? parking himself
next to the taller of the two without even waiting for an answer. He waited until I was also seated, put the
fruit on the table and said to them, So, can you speak some Thai? They shook their heads sheepishly,
although I thought I heard the leggy one mumble a half hearted 'nit noi.' Christian ignored her and
continued anyway.
OK, so we teach you some useful vocabulary. He speared a large chunk of papaya and handed it to
Shorty. In Thai, this is 'ma-la-gor.' You say it.
Obediently she repeated after him, and when he turned to her leggy friend, she obediently gave the same
prompted response.
Very good, he replied, sounding suspiciously like Barbara Woodhouse rewarding a pair of panting
puppies. He skewered a large piece of pineapple and handed it to Leggy, asking, Do you know what this
is? She shook her head, slightly embarrassed by her ignorance. Christian was playing them like a pair of
erhus, tugging on their cultural insecurities like a psycho-analyst picking out childhood traumas.
In Thai, this is sap-pa-rott and made them both repeat it twice.
Wow, you girls are naturals and gave them both high fives before pulling me in on the impromptu
celebration. By this time, all eyes were on us. The Dongbei girls at the back especially could not take
their eyes off Christian. Even the waitresses were watching us like a pair of meerkats from behind the
back of the coffee bar. He mimed a plate and a fork at the cuter of the two and she suddenly sprang into
action, delivering a big fruit platter and a fistful of forks seemingly out of nowhere.

What you want drink? she offered stiltedly, but as politely as she could.
Oh, I don't think we can stay... looking at me for confirmation.
Maybe we should get going...
Just one drink...? implored Shorty, with Leggy nodding her head emphatically.
It is a bit early for cocktails...
No, no, countered Shorty, It's now 3 o'clock and she motioned the waitress to bring us a menu. The
two girls visibly relaxed and we leant back in our seats, slowing the pace right down.
So what is you favourite cocktail? I asked Shorty
Flaming Lamborghini!! and she started doing that head shaking thing that Chinese clubbers do when
they think that they have taken ecstasy. 'Looks like we might have a couple of party girls on our hands
here' I thought myself,' and looked over to Leggy, offering an open palmed 'and you?' signal.
Sex-on-the-beach she blurted and I immediately knew that we were in like Flynn.
OK then, sex-on-the-beach. For four! and we all burst into hysterics.
There is no way that they could have got away with this kind of lewd public behaviour back in
Guangzhou, but these girls were on holiday and were not afraid to let down their hair. If anything, they
were secretly hoping for just this kind of brief encounter, an exotic adventure in a far away place that they
could brag about to the girls back in the office.
Go get us some tissues I told Shorty and Christian smiled, obviously appreciating my attempt at
signifying dominance. I was very keen to prove myself to him as much as I could.
Christian began interrogating Leggy. So you are Chinese. And what is your job, you work on a farm?
She was clearly shocked, maybe even bordering on upset, and although she began protesting quite
vigorously, Christian mercilessly continued looking for buttons to press.
Oh sorry, NOT a farm girl! and paused briefly, So you work in a factory? ratcheting it up a notch,
so that she was almost squealing in protestation. I was worried that he might be pushing her a little too far.
Come on. You tell me you are Chinese, not Thai. Everybody knows all Chinese work on farms or in
factories. He turned to me for confirmation, and I nodded affirmingly.
I am not a peasant and I am not a worker. she said adamantly, pushing back her shoulders and
clenching her molars.
Oh, I'm sorry, now I understand. and turned to me, nodding his head slowly PLA! Army girls!
hooking his thumb in her general direction.
And do you have a boyfriend? before she had time to protest. She was still aghast at the army
accusation and simply shook her head in response.
Just at that moment, Shorty arrived back at the table with a box of Kleenex, and I almost fell off my
chair as Christian announced quite coolly and calmly,
So, your friend tells me that you are lesbians and you work in the army. That's really cool! The pair
were in hysterics again and the cocktails had not even arrived yet. I could not believe that he could get
away with being so brazen and cocky, but he just winked at me and continued to trowel it on. You don't
look like lesbians.
I am NOT lesbian! retorted Shorty, just a few decibels higher than she had actually intended,
attracting the attention of at least half a dozen passing tourists, who had until then, been walking along,
minding their own business. Christian had obviously been waiting for just this kind of chance to play the
role of Falstaff to the gallery. He quickly turned around, opening up his arms to the impromptu street
audience, cleared his throat and announced,
Sorry everybody. She is NOT a lesbian. He paused and continued. And I am not a lesbian either. In
fact, none of us here are lesbians. The whole bar erupted, rolling around laughing and Christian was
obviously lapping it up. A couple of Western guys had stopped directly outside and were trying to get a
good look at the two girls. Christian deliberately gave them both a little Jedi hand-wave and said These

are not the lesbians you are looking for. She can go about her business and the two guys both cracked up,
even though the reference was clearly lost on the Chinese girls.
He now had the whole place in the palm of his hand and he well knew it. The two Dongbei girls at the
back were gawking like a pair of train-spotters, so he gave them a big friendly smile and a wave. They
waved back and he began talking to them across the bar.
You stay this guest house he inquired and they both answered Yes! in unison.
He quickly followed up with a
You like Thailand? and got another pair of enthusiastic affirmatives in return.
Even I could see where this was going.
You Chinese?
Yes they cried and were now nodding their heads like they had been wired up to a pneumatic drill.
You lesbians? he shouted, and they had to back pedal like crazy as they suddenly changed a row of
yes's into arm waving, screeching denials. I thought they were going to jack-knife across the table, having
run headlong into his trap. The place erupted again and they both went pink with embarrassment. He
began apologising and waved them over to join us.
Squeezing the taller one in next to himself and motioning her friend to fall in next to me, we all sat
down, at which point little miss waitress returned with a menu.
Menu sir she proclaimed, and then stepped back, planting one hand firmly on her hip. It was clear
that she too wanted to join in the fun and this was now my chance.
Sex-on-the-beach please Miss! Six times! The Chinese girls fell about.
No have sex-on-beach here, only sex in pool
Excellent, sex in pool! for seven then
No sex in pool for you. You not guest here. She smiled. This one was quick and I liked her style.
Christian, I continued, Go to reception and check us both into this guest house.
She raised her eyebrows facetiously and smiled sweetly, before spitting out the words,
We full! and almost meowed So sorry sir. clearly not meaning it at all.
I smiled at Christian.
I like this girl. I said out loud.
So what you drink?
I looked around the table at the Chinese girls.
Bloody Marys? I offered.
Leggy took the bait, and told the waitress, OK, six bloody Marys.
Hold on, one pitcher is enough, I corrected It is only three o'clock after all.
The waitress cocked her head and looked straight at me.
OK, one pitcher bloody Mary for bloody British! She pivoted away with her hand still on her hip and
sashayed wantonly back to the bar.
I really like that girl. I told my new found friends and they all nodded approvingly, Christian adding
Yes, and I think that she likes you too.

We turned our attention back to the four Chinese girls that were by now, hanging off our every word. I
was in the zone, and wanted to show Christian that I could banter with the best of them.
So, this your first time in Bangkok? I asked nobody in particular. All four answered together. I
nodded slowly and knowingly.
So where you go tonight, ladyboy show? Sex show? Ping pong Show? and they all started giggling.
These Chinese girls are all the same, I explained to Christian. They all come to Thailand for the sex
shows. Not so much sex in China, You know 'one child policy.' Big problem. So sex shows always very
popular with Chinese tourists.

By now my Dongbei girl was repeatedly hitting my leg and so I knew I was onto a winner.
OK, it's a secret. I promise we won't tell anybody, just be careful with those ladyboys. Maybe they
give you big surprise. Shorty was laughing so hard she was almost crying and Leggy was quickly losing
control too.
Little Miss Stormcloud returned with a tray full of glasses and a huge iced pitcher, which she placed
carefully on the table.
Hey, hot stuff, I waited for her stand up straight and this time she planted both hands firmly on her
hips, looking straight at me, as if to say, 'What you want, bloody British?'
My friends have a question, and I motioned to the girls. Where is the best sex show in Bangkok?
keeping a completely straight face.
For you, no have! No sex-on-beach, no sex in pool, no sex show! She was really getting into it now.
If you want sex show, then better you do it yourself. And vigorously motioned her best impression of
me feeding the ducks, before jutting up her nose in feigned disgust.
Good idea, but maybe I need some help.
You no need my help, you need mental help! and mockingly pushed her index finger against the side
of my skull, before sharply lifting up her head and strutting off.
I waited for the girls to catch their breath.
OK, forget sex shows, later we go dancing instead. I looked directly at Leggy and said, Now be a
good girl and pour these drinks.
We somehow resisted the urge to 'gan bei' with all these Chinese girls around and enthusiastically 'chok
di krap-ed' instead, before quizzing them a little about their vacation plans. Christian's questions seemed
quite innocent, talking mainly about shopping and night-life, but I knew better and he was definitely
assessing their backgrounds and spending habits. Girls that make a beeline for Gaysorn, for example,
were designer junkies with plenty of cash to splash, while those who knew about places like Vespa were
usually quite a bit deeper. This particular quartet was pretty middle of the road, talking about Chatuchak,
MBK and other well known places.
With a sense of sudden urgency, I told Christian that we needed to make a move and he graciously
allowed the two Guangdong girls to cover the cocktails. We arranged to come back and pick them up at
seven and show them some cool local street food. We told them our names but specifically did not ask
theirs, even though we were extremely polite otherwise. Christian taught me about nicknames a little later.
It was a technique that always worked like a charm.

Bangkok suffers horrendously from urban island heat syndrome. It may be built upon a delta of flowing
water but all the concrete and high rises of the twentieth century suck up the daytime heat and then slowly
release it all night long. By seven thirty it should have cooled down considerably, but Khaosan will still
sweltering and sticky. Waiting patiently at the guest house were our two southern charmers and the two
Dongbei beauties, just as we had arranged. The six of us, walked up from Ram Buttri out onto Phra Athit
Road, to a little street-side roti bar with a half a dozen pavement tables. I opted for chicken in tamarind
sauce while the girls selections ranged from bacon and avocado to banana and chocolate. It was not
really dinner but we wanted to save plenty of space for more exotic samplings later in the evening. From
there, we all walked up to the Sanam Luang to explore the Khlong Lod Night Bazaar for an hour or so.
Random and haphazard, the girls enjoyed the second-hand dealers and we had loads of fun, trying on all
kinds of hats and taking far too many pictures. From here it was only a short hop back to Brick Bar so that
we could introduce our new friends to the joy of ska. There were plenty of Bangkok rude-boys already out
on the dance floor, and although we had arrived midway between two of the live acts, we were soon
teaching the girls how to skank like pros to 'James Bond' and 'One Step Beyond.' Chinese education might
include goose-stepping and grenade practice but 'Night Boat to Cairo' is still nowhere to be seen on the

Republic's national curriculum. It did not take long before they were ducking and weaving like two-tone
virtuosos. We spent the rest of the evening sweating like sumo wrestlers in a sauna.

Chapter 3

THE FOLLOWING morning, Christian and I met up outside the Bangkok Centre Hotel for breakfast,
where he treated me to satay and sticky rice on a street stall just down from the main entrance. It was still
relatively cool but the roadworks in the middle of the road made the spot much noisier than usual.
I hope that you managed to rehydrate properly last night. I thought that you were going to 'Buster
Bloodvessel' when they started playing 'Lip Up Fatty.' I wondered just how many more lame ska
references I would be subjected to before the morning was out? Our four young ladies had danced like
they were aerobics instructors on a busman's holiday, and I have to admit that I was feeling a little bit sore
on some of my lower joints.
Is your place busy? he asked.
Not half, I've just been introducing that soft golden lab to a really sweet girl from Zhaoqing who was
hanging about in the common room.
That dog is a real boon, and you lucked out there because he is usually only around on weekdays. It is
not a bad place overall. The staff are great and the price is unbeatable, but keep your eyes open round
here. Your place is good for what we call 'snails' up in Yunnan. By that I mean Chinese backpackers. This
hotel behind us is quite a bit more expensive, so this is more your 'sheng nu' kind of place, and maybe
even a few filthy 'fu poh' if we are really lucky
'Sheng nu' is a rather derogatory term that was coined by the Chinese authorities. It literally means lost
women and is used to describe successful modern girls who choose the desirability of professional
careers to save themselves from marriages to dull men. In a largely Confucian society, women are very
much second class citizens and those who do not conform to the norms of taking a husband and starting a
family are stigmatised by both the Communist Party and the media. This is a real shame, because I for one
really admire the strength that they display in standing up to what is in effect, institutionalised slavery.
China boasts among its many dubious achievements, the highest female suicide rate on the planet, so any
girl that opts to be an individual rather than some stay-at-home baby-machine definitely gets my vote. 'Fu
poh' on the other hand is a term that has been popularised largely for Singaporeans and Chinese Malays. It
usually refers to rich, older women, kind of a 'sheng nu' without the shame attached. Unfortunately the
Diaspora in South East Asia have their own set of 'interesting' foibles and it is often more than just their
busy work schedules that keeps them single. Even so, they can also be real catches on occasion. One of
the best holidays I ever had was at a yacht club in Penang with two Malaysian-Chinese Christian rich
girls in their early fifties. A surprisingly large proportion of orientals age as gracefully as Gina Gershon
or Michelle Pfeiffer and there are plenty of mature corkers out there with lots of advantages over their
twenty and thirty-something counterparts.
I picked up another skewer of delicately seasoned BBQ pork and Christian carefully outlined the plan.
We'll hang around here for a while and then head down into the subway. Hualamphong is the only
station that serves all the Yarowat and Chinatown hotels, so it acts as a natural funnel for anybody heading
up to the weekend market at Chatuchak. We can do a bit of pre-selection on the platform this morning and
then arrange to meet a few likely lasses for lunch.
How much money do you have on you? he asked pointedly.
I took out my wallet and counted out five thousand baht.
Good, give it to me. he instructed
What, all of it?
Yes, all of it! Now just as a little incentive, I'll give you a thousand every time you cold-call a couple
of lookers downstairs. Think of it as a little reward.
But, it is my own money. I whined.

All the more reason to put some effort into getting it back then. he countered, pocketing the five crisp
1000 baht notes that were fresh out of the machine.
I'll get this he added, paying a grand total of just sixty baht for our breakfast.

I could already feel that this was going to be a great day. Even the security girl that was checking bags
at the subway entrance was an eyeful. All that blue combat gear and those big Doctor Marten boots
combined with a sexy crew-cut made me wish I had a bag full of contraband, just so that she could abuse
me with her handcuffs and night stick. Still, she was not our nationality of focus today, and Christian was
obviously keen for me to earn back my cash.
As soon as we arrived down at the northbound platform he was keen to get started.
There's a couple a grand, right over there, discreetly pointing out a group of three girls and a dubious
looking guy. Take this and go check out their story. He handed me a folded-up street map and bowed long
and low like an Elizabethan courtier, waving me towards the waiting commuters.
I clasped the street map between my two facing palms, and gave the group a deep Thai bow, using the
same overemphasised Thai greeting that I had seen Christian use just the day before. Two of the girls
professed to speaking English and so I began unfurling the map, asking them to confirm the right station for
the market. Surprise, surprise, that is exactly where they were headed too, but before I had the chance to
really get into my stride, the train pulled up and the doors were opening.
Hey, piped up Christian behind me, I have to go back, I think I've left my wallet at the hotel.
I offered a pair of wide open conciliatory palms to the girls and their chaperone, and added, Maybe
we see you later at the market? They nodded enthusiastically and it was clear that they would be actively
looking for us all day long, so that we could continue where we left off.
We walked back towards the stairs.
OK, that was your starter for ten, and pulled out his wallet, pressing the first of my five 1000 baht
notes into my open palm. This was the first time that I had noticed his bright pink wallet, with its picture
of some hideously pale Chinese-Thai actress and her baby on the front.
I really expected you to have one of those 'Bad Mothafucker' wallets like Samuel L. Jackson in Pulp
Fiction, not something flowery like that.
Don't knock it till you try it. This is actually made from recycled conditioner packets. I got it from an
orphanage down in Phattalung. Take a whiff of that, and he held it up to my nostrils so that I could detect
the deliciously clear scent of summer roses, with just a delicate hint of lemon freshness. This makes a
much more lasting impression on the ladies that any Alfred Dunhill or Jaeger. I have a bunch in my bag, I
can let you have one if you like.
It took me about twenty minutes to get the rest of my 4000 baht back. I had connected with a couple of
mixed groups just to get warmed up and then a giggling threesome from Shanghai, followed by an absolute
stunner on her own from Xiamen, who had suspiciously good English. We rode the train with her up to
Sukhumvit, teasing her about her dress before jumping off at the interchange, so that we could go see what
was available up on the Skytrain.
Up here, it was nearly all Thai girls and the difference was now becoming more and more obvious.
They were all mesmerised by their phones and dressed as though they were going to wedding receptions.
There were some real lookers but each one was in a tight little wi-fi bubble of texting mania. Every single
one of their phones had more computing power than the whole of NASA back in '69 when they made the
first moon landing. And yet more than half these girls were launching angry birds and candy crush.
Two bespectacled charmers stumbled clumsily out of the arriving Skytrain, dorky but cute in an
innocent kind of way. Maybe freshly minted grads from Fudan or Jiaotong, but undoubtedly two hundred
percent Chinese. They had that adorable little-girl-lost look on their faces and were clutching onto their
street-map like it was an emergency life-jacket. The fact that they were lost was obvious, and they looked

around helplessly, searching desperately for somebody to give them directions in a language that they
could understand. As soon as they spotted us they scurried straight over, ignoring at least twenty locals.
Very few Mainlanders can speak more than three words of Thai and yet girls like these would have
studied English for at least ten years in school. The relief on their faces was visibly clear as they smiled
and asked,
Chattuchak Market? They almost fell off the platform when Chris replied casually in fluent Mandarin.
Go down those steps into the metro. Get on the northbound train and then get off at Mochit and you
can't miss it. They were both completely dumbfounded. Shocked, stunned and more than a little amazed.
We both sniggered like schoolboys as we gave them a little bow and walked away, over to the other side
of the platform to check out the incoming train.

It is quite difficult to explain how to tell the difference between the Chinese tourists and the Thai
locals. It is very much like telling the difference between a Brit and a Greek or a Dane and a Spaniard,
back in Europe. It is not easy to describe in words what are the actual differences, but most Europeans
can do it almost unconsciously. Sometimes it is the clothes, sometimes the attitude, and sometimes even
the body language. At the risk of being politically incorrect, the first place to start is with skin colour.
Asia has a whole spectrum of skin tones and matching facial features, that begin way down in the island
regions of Papua where the colour is really dark and the features solid. Skin is understandably almost as
dark in places like Indonesia and Tamil Nadu and people from these parts stand out in Bangkok, where the
media ideal is as light as possible. At the other end of the spectrum are the whitened skin tones of
Koreans and Japanese, with their very individual bone structures. The best way to spot Chinese is to look
for the middle of the palette. Some people estimate that around sixty percent of the total Bangkok
population is of Chinese descent and this certainly complicates matters, but it is not insurmountable.
A much more reliable signifier is dress sense. Fashions in Bangkok and up on the Mainland are
significantly different and it should not take long for you to calibrate properly, until you are able to spot
the difference almost instantaneously. Notice how the fit and style of clothes is different for Bangkok
females. Flat-heeled pumps are popular, as are shorts and pants that ride really high up the waist. These
are very location specific and are not commonly seen in other places, only recently coming into fashion in
China, for example. Hem and sleeve lengths are slightly different to other countries. When riding the MTR
you will surprise yourself how many times you see a woman that looks slightly different in style to
everybody else, and then when you cock your ear, you hear that she is speaking, Japanese, Korean or
Mandarin.
We spotted a couple of very distinctive looking girls consulting a wall map of the subway layout and
went to find out where they were from. Super cute Coco and her shy friend Lili were both real lookers,
but were barely in their twenties, just a bit young for my taste. They were both incredibly petite and very
Hello Kitty and would have probably got us arrested back in the UK. We said that we would see them up
at the market and made a sharp exit.
Definitely a bit Gary, that pair. complained Christian
What? I replied, missing the Gang Leader reference completely.
You know. A bit Jimmy. A bit Freddy. Good for seventies DJs and pervy old comedians but not really
what we are looking for.
We both burst out laughing and jumped onto a train back to the main station to seek out some slightly
older contenders.
By now it was almost eleven o'clock and there were far too many potentials to interview every one. It
was time to head up to the main event. We were both starting to get hungry again. Christian said that he
knew a couple of places in the main market area where we could enjoy a nice long lunch and take in the
sights at the same time.


As soon as we arrived at the market, I was sweating like a choirboy in the vestry again. Christian
looked me up and down disapprovingly Hell, if I had known that you were going to bring your duffel
coat and woolly scarf then I would have turned up the air con. I might have felt bad if this had come from
anybody else but I was getting used to his sardonic comments, and was actually beginning to enjoy his
Oscar Wilde wit. It was all lost on the Asian girls, so I seemed to be bearing the brunt of most of his
sarcasm.
Let me go grab a couple of girls and then we'll get you some ice cream to cool you down. Christian
was as cool as a cucumber in a bowl of tom yang gong, but what most impressed me about him was his
phenomenal radar. There could have been a couple of Chinese cuties on the far side of Rayong and he
would have spotted them from across the Gulf in Cha Am. When he ducked into the main stall area, I
knew it was best just to follow and put my trust in his incredible instincts. Directly in front of us, checking
out a pair of woven pandanus slippers was the suspected Xiamen passport-hunter that we had left back at
Sukhumvit. The long flowing light blue djebella with knotted drawstrings gave just a hint of cleavage, and
left plenty more to our lurid imaginations. A hand-carved, black barrette held her hair up on high but even
from the back, it was obviously the same girl.
While we were still out of earshot he turned to me and began explaining
You can never have enough pawns. Every single one can be converted into a queen later on and his
eyebrows leapt suggestively.
Those are way too casual for you sweetheart. I know a place where they sell gladiator boots that will
look great with that dress, but first we are going to eat the sweetest coconut ice cream in all of Asia.
Christian stretched out his hand and added, Come on, it is just over here, right close by. You remember
my friend Darby? She smiled at me ever so sweetly, as she allowed herself to be led away even deeper
into the Chatuchak maze.
I found this place last time I was here. They serve the most mouth-watering ice cream in coconut halfshells, along with condensed milk, peanuts and sweetcorn. Sounds a bit strange, but tastes amazing. and
we emerged into the sunlight, right next a trailer serving up the prophesied confections.
Christian held up three fingers to a serving girl clad in a long brown apron and told her,
Sam Krap - Three please beautiful. Turning to me, he added, Have you got any small bills? All I
have is thousands? He openly displayed the contents of his upcycled Persil pack while I pulled out the
five 1000 notes that I had now earned back.
How about you rich girl? Have you got sixty baht?
She dutifully pulled a hundred out of her handbag and Christian turned back to the vendor.
Here you go gorgeous, my friend here is treating us this time, stepping aside to let our Xiamen
sweetheart demonstrate her magnanimity.
Getting stuck into to the perfect Chatuchak cooler, we were slurping away like North Korean refugees
in a Nanjing noodle shop.
So tell me Darby, what do prefer, sweet or spicy?
Oh, sweet definitely. I replied, I'm way too sensitive for spicy food but spicy girls are OK.
Is that right, and how about you Miss? He paused for a moment. Are you sweet or spicy?
She giggled and looked at each of us in turn. I can be both, it just depends on the man. demurely
returning her gaze to the ice cream, followed by a couple of coquettishly quick up-glances, just for added
effect. Christian had clearly met his match today and she wanted us both to know that she was not going to
be the pushover that we expected.
Ha, ha, you're very funny, you can take us for dinner if you like too. Christian was intent on keeping
the upper hand and immediately began flirting with ice cream seller, just to make his point.
This ice cream tastes nearly as good as you look. What's your name beautiful?

My name Aye?
So you make this ice cream, Aye?
My boyfriend, he make.
Boyfriend? No husband?
No husband. This your wife? she asked looking at Miss Xiamen.
Yes, new Chinese wife. Wife for one week then she go back China and we divorce?
The Xiamen stunner about choked on her ice cream at this and gave me an exaggerated 'Who is this
guy?' glare.
Next weekend I single, so I come back and see if you still have boyfriend, OK?
OK, no ploblemo? and she flashed us both a wicked smile.
I stood up and offered our little miss a gallant elbow, but Christian quickly pushed me out of way,
saying,
Hey Darby, hands off, this is my wife now, you can find your own. He grabbed her by the hand,
leading her back into the vast complex of market stalls.
It could not have been more than two minutes before we heard a couple of sweet sounding Huis and
Halloos behind us. I turned to see the Dongbei duo from last night scampering up behind us. Christian
turned and opened his arms wide.
Well look who it is. It's Cyd and Myrna! They had told us their Chinese names while were having roti
but they were just another random collection of Xs, Zs and Qs, so Chris decided to give them suitably
appropriate English names, just to save any future confusion. He explained to me that his brain was hardwired in English and he could only cope with so many Lees, Zhous and Chens at once. The solution was
to rename as many girls as possible, and he usually chose vintage silver-screen actresses, names that he
knew the recipients would check out later on Baidu. He explained that this always worked a treat and so
last night he had christened Shorty and Leggy, Tully and Clo after Tallulah Bankhead and Claudette
Colbert. The two northerners on the other hand were now Cyd and Myrna after Cyd Charisse and Myrna
Loy. I have to be honest in that I had never heard of any of these names but his strategy had worked like a
charm. They were now gushing about these glamour girls from the thirties that were probably great-great
grandmas by now. Either that or pushing up daisies.
Christian gave me a minute to take my turn in getting a couple of hugs, and then went to introduce the
Xiamen hotshot.
This is Cyd and this is Myrna. Ladies, this is my big sister, Jie-jie. The girls giggled and both said
Ni hao, Jie-jie. He could have introduced her as the Queen of Sheba at this stage. Cyd and Myrna both
knew that it was all in fun. Big sis was slightly less sure of the whole situation but was willing to play
along for now. He turned to me saying Happy Christmas Batman and motioned me towards the newly
arrived twosome, while turning his attention back to his sudden sibling. I chivalrously offered my elbows,
and we squeezed through the tight alleyways as a threesome. They both looked a whole lot better than they
had yesterday. This morning Cyd was sporting Bai Ling bangs and a silk du-dou with matching white
capris. Myrna looked even hotter in Lycra cycling shorts and a tight black top that showed off her ample
cleavage.
Chris, I shouted ahead of me, If these girls still want sex-on-the-beach, then they are going to need
something suitable to wear. I had spotted a swimwear store directly ahead and was keen play dress-up
with our new dollies. As it happened, I lucked out because rather than being a stylish bikini store, it was
all highly questionable club-wear for hard-core go-go girls and raging ladyboys. The three girls were
soon in hysterics as Chris and I pretended to model a selection of micro-monokinis and garish two-pieces
that left almost nothing to the imagination.
We should come back here with those two dirty Cantonese girls. I told Chris and whispered to the
two Manchurian candidates Come on ladies, this is no place for nice girls like you, before beating a

steady retreat back into the bowels of the market.

We walked and browsed for a few minutes before I announced to Chris, I'm hungry, and these two
skinny girls need fattening up. Can we go eat something?
How about something hot and greasy?
Sounds perfect. What do you think girls, do you like hot and greasy? I gave them my dirtiest Sid
James gravelly guffaw, Of course you do!
Just down a little side soi, past the umpteenth hat store of the day, was a pork-chop bun bar. There was
not a word on English on the sign above it, just a hundred percent Thai and a picture of grinning cartoon
pig in a chef's hat. Even so, I doubt that most people would notice any of that because the smell was so
incredible, and was already making my mouth water. On top of a charcoal grill, there were thirty or forty
sizzling pork chops, all dripping in hot, bubbling grease. We all leaned in together, soaking up the
incredibly appetizing aroma.
So, said Chris, addressing no one in particular, Who wants to have hot pork-chop bun now and who
wants to wait and have hot sausage later? I think it must have been his turn to be channelling Sidney now.
I was still on exactly the same wavelength, and so I joined in without any hesitation.
Sorry, Chris but these girls don't like sausage.
What!? Don't like sausage?
Come on Chris, you remember, these are the girls that don't even like top quality British sausage.
These are the lesbians from yesterday on Khaosan Road. and Clo and Myrna almost exploded with
laughter.
I waited a moment for them calm down and turned to hotshot.
How about you sis?
No! she exclaimed quickly
What no lesbian or no pork-chop bun?
No lesbian!
And how about pork-chop bun?
OK, smells good.
And how about English sausage later? added Chris.
Chi sin! she muttered in Cantonese, almost under her breath and punched him hard in the side of his
bicep, always a very promising sign.
So, I went back to addressing my two Manchurians. This is quite simple. Here is Thailand. You are
Chinese. We are British, so we all go Dutch, OK? They both laughed and nodded in agreement. Two
minutes later we all had hot toasted buns, soaked with dribbling pork fat, chomping on beautifully tender
chops and licking the grease from our fingers. Of course, being Chinese, they all had a vast selection of
different disposable tissues, towelettes and wet-wipes in their hand-bags but we insisted on finger-licking
anyway.

Chatuchak is biggest open air market in Asia. By now the whole place was packed. Most of the
Westerners were the kind of coffin-dodgers that you see on cruise ships, so incredibly old that they would
probably have had problems getting a rocking chair started. There seemed to be a lot more Russians than
on any of my previous visits, and then of course, there were the vast multitudes of Chinese. Up here, the
place was plagued with tour groups as well as independents. Fortunately the largest herds were highly
visible in their matching Day-Glo caps and therefore easily avoided. Anyway, we were much more
interested in the Hongkie singles. The Thai Tourist authority had been marketing aggressively to Hong
Kong office ladies and they were here in force, shopping like they only had hours left to live. Christian
and I were lucky in that we could pick out Cantonese from Mandarin at fifty yards. Even more
importantly, we could tell the more guttural grunts from the hinterland hell-holes like Luizhou, Baise and

Nanning. We were more interested in Kowloon and Central girls, not upstart country girls from Guangxi
and western Guangdong. Salacious Suzie Wongs passing themselves off as princesses on the Star Ferry
would not fool us. We both new how to tell islanders and Mainlanders apart in a matter of seconds. Not
that we had any problem with the three Chinese girls that we currently had in tow, but if we could find a
Gigi Chow type to 'convert' then that would be so much better. The main problem was that the oppressive
midday heat was getting to all of us. We decided to adjourn to a little makeshift corner-bar set-up and
order a few coolers.
Sorry girls, no sex-on-the-beach here either. I quipped as we pulled up some extra stools and sank
down in the shade. And we are not carrying drunk Chinese girls home on the subway, so it is fruit juice
only today I am afraid.
We settled for two big jugs of iced watermelon. Once they arrived, Christian and I stared at the
Dongbei girls expectantly. They both sheepishly returned our gaze, looking clueless and slightly confused.
Look ladies, I said motioning to my face, We are not your Chinese boyfriends, here to carry your
shopping, look after your handbags and pay for your drinks. The penny dropped and they laughed out
loud.
OK, lets make a deal, I will get these, but I expect a nice half-hour massage when we get home,
complete with oil, soft music and candles. and started pulling hundreds out of my wallet before they had
chance to refuse. They looked at each other quizzically and so I added, Hey, that's two of you, both at the
same time. and they instantly burst into more peals of laughter. Actually, it was already a done deal
yesterday. I could have had them massaging me into paradise last night, and so perhaps I should have
added in some extra tasks today like a bit of laundry, just to see their expressions.
The five of us spent about half-an-hour flirting and fluffing. We promised to help them find a couple of
muscular Thai kick-boxers and they said that they would make sure that we did not try to pick up any local
ladyboys by accident. The Dongbei's did not seem to mind Miss Xiamen's presence at all, and they even
seemed to be making friends. It was time to make a move and so we made some arrangements to meet
later in the evening, and then said our goodbyes.

Time to head home for a mid afternoon nap, is it? I asked Christian as we made our way back to the
subway station.
Hell, no, you can sleep when youre dead. We need to get back on the subway and check out some
more prospects. We'll grab a bunch of fresh flowers on the way out, and I guarantee that we'll have more
female attention than Johnny Depp in his boxers I am not sure if he was hundred percent serious or not
but I suggested that the situation could get a bit sticky if any of the three girls we had just left also decided
to call it a day, and he graciously gave in. We headed back to the southern terminus, and went our separate
ways to get some much needed recuperation for the following evening.

Chapter 4

BACK AT the guest house, I spotted a couple of likely young lasses sat in the common area of the guest
house, checking their QQ accounts. I made a little bit of small talk, showing them a few goodies that we
had picked up at the market, but they were both barely into their twenties and I was much more interested
in snagging a hot thirty-something hongkie than another couple of fresh-faced Fujian youngsters.

The two Hokkien girls were still glued to the communal computers when I finally rose some four hours
later, freshly showered and shaved. If sitting at a PC all afternoon was their idea of fun, then I was glad
that had not bothered making too much of an effort. I teased them anyway, because it never hurts to have a
fall-back. I asked if I looked good and they both agreed enthusiastically.
OK, so next time if you can dress nice and pull yourselves away from WeChat, then we will take you
dancing too. I let them both give me a peck on the cheek goodbye, and was out of the door. Twenty
minutes later and I was back on the Khaosan Road, heading up to the four girls' guest house. They had
been such great fun the night before at the Ska bar, that we had no problem hooking up with them again
tonight. I was just turning in past the Bank of Ayudyha on the corner, when I heard my name being called
out behind me.
Slow down Batman, you'll have melted into a puddle by the time we get there. Christian climbed out
of a garish dog-dick pink taxi, and strolled up to meet me with his hand outstretched in greeting, like a
typical Englishman. We shook hands firmly and turned into the alleyway.
The four girls were sat together this time and were looking hotter than ever.
I hope that you girls are not drunk already. accused Christian. We had specifically turned up half-anhour later than we had told them, but their faces were not red and it looked like they were sipping
harmless fruit juices.
What's this then?' he inquired grabbing one of the drinks and sampling it entirely without permission.
Sap-pa-rott! chimed Tully and Clo in perfect unison, and I suspect that they might have been
practising while they waited. This was clearly going to be another great evening.
So where are we eating? asked Christian, but the four girls just looked at us if we were asking four
pooches where they wanted to be taken for a walk.
Who is paying this time, us or you? I looked at Cyd and she dutifully acquiesced,
OK, our treat tonight?
Excellent said I, and gave her a jubilant high five. So I know a great place just around the corner
that does the most delicious wood-fired pizza. Best pizza in all of Thailand and not too expensive either.
It was just at this moment the Little-miss-hot-stuff-waitress showed up with a smile that was clearly three
sizes too large to be genuine.
Hey, it's Bloody Mary. How are you sweetheart? Mary was clearly not even close to her real name
but she was ready to give just as good as she got.
Hey, it's Bloody British. The smile had gone in a flash and she snapped. What you drink?
Oh, I'm sorry sweetheart; we are just leaving to go have dinner. You know what Chinese girls are like,
always eating! We are going dancing later, what time you finish?
Hmph! You have four beautiful Chinese lady, and now you want Thai lady too. Bloody British, you all
same-same, no good.
Up to you I said wai-ing long and deep. I come back later in case you change your mind. She just
grinned, as if to say, 'Yeah, you and a hundred other farang hopefuls.'
I really like that girl I announced once more, making sure it was loud enough that she would hear, but
she just continued walking back to the bar.


Less than five minutes walk away, over on Chao Fa, the unmistakable aroma of wood-fired pizza ovens
began caressing our olfactory senses, long before we could see the source of the delectable smell. I could
never understand how this place could be so close to Khaosan and still remain almost completely
undiscovered. It just goes to show how many tourists are willing to fly thousands of miles and half way
around the globe, but once they have arrived, they are scared to go just a few hundred metres off the
beaten track. Last time I checked, this place had just one TripAdvisor review, despite serving some of the
best food in area, in a district that was otherwise packed to the rafters with Western travellers. Oh well, I
suppose that I would have complained even more if the place was filled with white rasta-chicks and
uncouth, drunken larger-louts.
The staff were super friendly. They helped us push two tables together and we proceeded to order a
barrage of exotic toppings from bacon, egg and blue cheese to fresh durian and octopus tentacles. We even
offered to go Dutch again once the feasting was over, but Cyd and Clo insisted on treating us all. We were
all drinking fresh young coconuts and the subject of conversation came back to massage once more.
So, if you pay for this, then does than mean the massage deal is off, Cyd?
Maybe, maybe not...
Did you get some oil? I asked innocently.
Actually yes, we bought some coconut oil up at the market.
Extra virgin? I teased.
Er... I think so. She offered
What? Is that you or the coconut oil?
She blushed scarlet and stretched out to thump me across the table.
Hey hey, I want massage, not beating.
Bloody Mary is right. You are Bloody British and we all beat you, if you are not careful. Suddenly I
was playfully being attacked from all sides.
I pulled myself up out of the fray and told Christian to look after the ladies for a few moments, while I
stepped outside.
Just around the corner was a very convenient 7-11, so I grabbed a half bottle of Sang Som and made my
quickly back to the party.
Once we get down to Sukhumvit, drinks prices go crazy, so here is a little something to get us warmed
up before we hit the dance floor. Pass me a coconut down here under the table while no one is looking.
I am sure that the staff new something was going on, as we all took turns sucking on the same unending
coconut.
Not too much now ladies. This is just a little party starter and you know that it is always much stronger
through a straw. It's still too early to go dancing just yet. Bangkok does not get going till late and anyway, I
don't about you, but I am too stuffed full of pizza to go shaking my booty straight away. Christian knows a
place where they have free cocktails for ladies till eleven, so we'll go there first. This Sang Som rum is
just to give you a little buzz to be going on with. Here you go Cyd, put the rest in your handbag and we'll
save it for later. I taught her how to 'kep tang duay ka' for the bill and then we made our way up to the
Klang to find one of those converted bread-van tuk-tuks that can squeeze six in the back. If we had found
one on Khaosan, it would have been twice or even three times the price and we wanted to go a fair old
way down to Sala Daeng for the first stop.
I was tempted to start off the tour at a flash new Shanghai speak-easy that was hidden away behind a
cramped little noodle shop, but I had the feeling that might be like showing snow to Eskimos, and so we
hit a club with a little more local flavour instead. It was ladies' night and there were freebies for the fairer
sex but Tully and Clo were gracious enough to buy us both iced mojito's, which rapidly hit the mark. I was
feeling a bit sorry for Tully. The shortest of the four girls, she was also the quietest and so I was

determined to make sure she would not be feeling left-out for the rest of the evening. I started off by taking
her out on the dance floor to see what she was really made of. I soon realised that I had made a serious
error of judgement as she quickly turned out to be quite an accomplished little harlot. We had barely
turned to face each other and she was rubbing up against me suggestively, and as cute as she was, I did not
want to commit myself in front of everybody so early in the evening. Short hair and short stature in
combination has always been a particular weakness of mine and to make it worse we had gone and given
this one of my favourite sexy names of all time. My first sports car, a classic MGB was called Tully, and
long before that, I'd had my earliest schoolboy crush on Jodie Foster. As a teenager, I had been completely
fixated on the fourteen year old flapper in Bugsy Malone, and my taste had changed little over the years. If
anything, this one's hair was even shorter and I was soon imagining that she looked fabulous in a body
hugging qipao. I had once confessed to a friend from Michigan that I had a real thing for short hair and
long arms. Cheeky bastard offered to introduce me to an orang-utan.
Thankfully, the rest of the girls decided to join us, but not before Tully became aware of the upstanding
effect that she was having on me. Next time, I'll be nicknaming them Edith or Agatha or something else
suitably maiden-aunt-like, no more Tallulahs, Lolas and Lolitas, I swear. Chris played it cool. After all, it
was far too early to be making Cantonese special sandwiches. Hot, spicy thighs and breasts, squeezed
between two sturdy slices of English wholemeal. All that would come later. I timed us out with the
appropriate hand signals and took the girls back to our table to cool things down a bit. Next time, I will be
a bit more careful with the Sang Som starters, not realising that it was going to fire up the party so fast.
It was coming on for 11.30, so we made a move out to Phetchburi to catch the burlesque show at a
place that had only recently opened. There was no ridiculous membership requirement and drinks were
quite reasonable. Claudette was already more than a little tipsy and impetuously ordered six sex-on-thebeaches as soon as we got to the bar. When they all arrived in big schooners rather than regular tumblers,
it seemed to be a sign of being a very good night. Up on stage, the dance acts were raunchy and sensuous
without being explicitly pornographic. These were professionally choreographed dancers with plenty of
costume changes, not tired go-go girls in the buff, half-heartedly hanging onto poles. Call me boring, but I
simply cannot see the attraction of all the naked dancers in Cowboy or Nana or Patpong. Seeing a bunch
of country-girls parading around in their birthday-suits makes me feel that I am drinking on the edge of an
auction block. Why on earth would I want some desperate teenager sticking her bare-assed fanny in my
face while I am trying to enjoy a drink with my friends? Buck-naked dancers are like unwrapped
Christmas presents. There is just no sense of anticipation, excitement or surprise. Fortunately this club
was much more upmarket, and was taking its cues from Vegas revues rather than Cambodian chicken
shacks. The place had not been open for long and some of the dancers were still getting a feel for the
routines, but the outfits were excellent. The first number featured a dozen sexy girl cops, complete with
boots and hot-pants. Then came a quick-change into some risqu frilly lingerie for a little bit of Moulin
Rouge. The dancers appeared to be enjoying themselves immensely and this was having an infectious
effect on our girls, who were joining in some of the more exotic moves back at our table. Shows in
Bangkok go the full range from sleazy strippers, right down to a couple of hardcore hussies banging the
hell out of each other with a strap-on. I was relieved that we had chosen something slightly less X-rated,
This was in fact turning out to be far more erotic that a stageful of in-your-face, full-on fornication.
The main room was reasonably busy without being rammed, giving the four girls plenty of room to
express themselves and they were soon drawing appreciative glances from all around. Once the singer
had finished his first set, we had the manager invite him over to say hello to our girls, teasing him that our
backing dancers were if anything, a little hotter than his own. It did not take long before all twelve of them
were swarming around our table, the singer pretending that this was his own personal harem. His English
name was Bowie, and he obviously fancied himself as the king of the swingers. Our girls were lapping up
every minute, mixing it up with the dancers and lavishing their attentions upon Bowie. Chris

surreptitiously swept two fingers across his chest like some kind of special forces SWAT team leader. We
took the opportunity to step back and check out the local talent while all eyes were focussed on our
Chinese party girls. The place was a predictable mix of local Hi-So wannabes, with a generous
sprinkling of expats. There was of course a small handful of sexpats accompanied by their high-end
freelancers, always on the look out for better opportunities. Somehow, we seemed to have the only
Mainlanders in the whole place which was making them, and by natural extension us too, look rather
exotic. Compared to the sad collection of monkeys and mongrels slouching at endless the rows of
identical beer-bars in other parts of town, this was like being at an Osmel Sousa celebration bash. I did a
quick circuit ignoring a few hungry gazes and froze just as I was heading back to the bar. Just below the
stairs that led up to the managers office, stood a sneering super-vixen with sex appeal oozing out from
every single pore of her body. I am sure it was just my imagination but as she slowly swayed her hips, she
seemed to be bathed in the rainbow rays of a mother-ship hovering high above, waiting to beam her right
back to planet Barbarella. She was barely wearing a red leather outfit that screamed super-slut, and it
was if she was almost daring everyone around her to call her out on it. Spiked heels, shiny boots that
reached high up her thighs followed by a brief but tantalizing punctuation of flesh, and a mouth-watering
mini-dress whose glossy red PVC clung to every writhing curve of her superbly sculpted body. Cascades
of hot-oiled hair fell around her shoulders and framed a gorgeous, but rather sullen face.
I watched for a while as she spun off a persistent dumpling of a man that could not take no for an
answer, and I decided to retreat to a position of strength. As soon as I arrived back at our table, Bowie
grabbed me by the arm and led me back across the room to the manager's office, right past the scarlet-clad
she-devil that I had just been studying. He unceremoniously pushed past one of her suspiciously overglam friends and muttered some kind of cuss as he pulled me up the stairs. Devil-dress gave me brief but
withering glare while her friends erupted in girlish over-reaction. I could still hear their high-pitch
protestations as we reached the door and Bowie pulled me into the sound-proofed interior. Three semidressed podium dancers were spread out over the couch, smoking cigarettes and studying their phones.
OK, come on! Everybody out! Back to work bitches! to which they all quietly conceded, and began
laughing at yet another of the bosss tasteless jokes. He locked the door behind them and I started to
consider about how openly bisexual this particular incarnation of Bowie might be.
Sit. It was half order and half invitation. I fell back into one of the rococo wingbacks opposite his
lion-footed glass table and striped couch, which had clearly been salvaged from a recent Moliere
production over at the French Cultural Centre. He started emptying his pockets out onto the table.
I'll tell the DJ to turn off that hip-hop shit and bust out some juicy big beats as if we had just stepped
in from Brighton promenade, But first we'll need a little relaxation to get us into the mood. From a
concealed drawer, he pulled out a black pack of OCBs and dexterously began to roll up a joint with just
one hand. With the other he was taking hits from a Royal Selangor pocket flask that he duly handed across
to me. This left him free to crumble a lump of hash that was the size of a small moon into the spliff. Back
to one hand again. He licked, rolled and sealed it like some pen spinning Japanese industrial robot. I was
really quite impressed at his manual dexterity, and told him so.
Wow, thats really impressive. Where the hell did you learn to do that? I asked incredulously. He
paused and stared right at me for a good five seconds that felt like an an eternity.
Prison! was his flat deadpan reply. I am still not sure whether he was joking or not but we both burst
out into hysterics anyway. Five minutes and a few massive lungfuls later, I floated back across the club to
Chris and girls, grinning like a well fed Bengal tiger. I can't be sure if we all danced for ten minutes or ten
hours. My five senses had suddenly expanded into five hundred and I was soaking up everything from the
rotating helical vortices of my internal DNA to random bursts of geo-magnetic radiation, as they raced out
towards the distant edges of the Ort Cloud. The club had been transformed into a vast cathedral of
spectral distortion and I was worshipping with all my heart to the high priest of musical mixes and mash

ups. I was probably still sweating like stowaway in a Sichuan spacesuit, but by now I was feeling so
ethereal that I really didn't care any more, or at least no longer noticed. My dorsal root ganglions were
high above in the astral planes, while that chemical wet suit that I usually referred to as my body was
having the ultimate tai chi workout to the pumping beats of Groove Armada and Oliver Klitzing.
Maybe it was the marvellous medicinals, but out of the corner of my eye, I saw Mistress
Mephistopheles and her satanic cohorts heading for the exit. I spontaneously decided to go for it. I
mumbled some apologies to Chris and the girls, and bailed out through the front door. My quarries had
emerged just seconds before me and as a trio looked visibly strained after a night of slumming it,
endlessly fending off a stream of sex-starved tourists. I caught up with them as they crossed the road and
invited one of the hot looking friends for something to eat.
OK. was the perfunctory but perfectly acceptable response, especially the way her eyes were
gleaming in sudden anticipation. Actually there was something more that I did not quite notice at first as I
was too busy trying to elicit a response from my real target. We all piled into a taxi, and I was pulled into
the back with the two dollies that introduced themselves as Gigi and Lulu. I still did not click, even though
names like that should have given me at least some inclination of what was to come later. I still had not
gotten a response from the devil's daughter sat in the front passenger seat and so I dug out my most
charming smile and asked her name.
Sutharni, Diana, whatever she offered unwillingly.
OK, Whatever is a bit of a strange name for a nice looking girl but no problem I replied and turned
away.
So, Gigi, Lulu, how long have you and Whatever been friends? I saw her trying to catch a glimpse
in the mirror and suddenly the icy barrier began to thaw.
As we sat at a late night restaurant, picking on fresh fruit, I pulled out all the stops, using my very best
sleight-of-hand and ESP tricks to keep their attention. Gigi and Lulu were a much more willing audience
but I was eventually starting to get to Diana, once I had stung her with a couple sharp takeaways. The best
of these was later back at her place. Unable to miss all the photos of her all over the place, I asked if she
he had been a model before and got the expected tired affirmative.
Thats nice: I offered Must have been quite a long time ago now. She was not used to being bought
down to size, and I seemed to be accomplishing the task quite well.
The house was exquisite. Much larger than I expected. I nearly chickened out completely as the
medication was starting to wear off while we were eating. Somehow, it suddenly became obvious that
Gigi and Lulu were a lot more Venezuelan than they were Thai. Thai girls were usually slight and skinny
and far less sturdy than their South American counterparts. These two on the other hand were statuesque,
stacked and stupendously sexy. I quickly realised that these girls were actually far too beautiful to be
normal Thai girls. Their make up was too perfect, their curves were too fantasy porn-film and most of all,
they were far too feminine. It suddenly dawned on me that I was having late night snacks with a couple of
dudes. Here I was sat between a couple of ladyboys that were planning to make a meal out of me. I
quickly looked over to check Diana but she was laughing uncontrollably having seen the realisation and
fear sweep over my face. The strange thing was that she still looked like the genuine article. Gigi and Lulu
were undoubtedly blokes, stunning as they were, but I could not understand why the same conclusion was
not making itself obvious with Diana. I did my best to play it cool. When youre squeezed between a
couple of katoeys, the last thing that you want to do is offend either of them by accusing them of being
fellas. If they were crazy enough to go out in public dressed up as Victoria's scary secret, then god alone
knows how they would react if you start accusing them of misinterpreting their gender. I just smiled
sweetly and tried to play it by ear.
As a foursome we went back to Diana's place, a surprisingly elegant villa just off the lower part of
Sukhumvit. The maid helped Diana put her seven-year-old daughter back to bed, while Gigi arranged

some drinks from a trolley that was nearly as well stocked as the club that we had just left. I was more
confused than ever now. If Diana was a fella too, then how the hell did she have a maid, let alone a
daughter? Logically speaking, I thought that was still biologically impossible. Gigi and Lulu called a
couple of friends over and we all sat on the floor sipping Kalhua and nibbling corn chips. Diana and I left
the others smooching on the carpet, as she led me upstairs to the master suite. I was just hoping and
praying that I would not have to 'go downstairs', as it were.
Up in the bedroom, we perused through photos of her modelling career, some of which were extremely
revealing. I closed the albums and moved on to examining the real thing. This was a body to be
reincarnated for. Caramel toned skin, sweeter than even the finest Thorntons. A slender but sturdy bone
structure which shuddered and moaned gently as I sampled its fragrance and flavour. Breasts just too good
to be true, which they obviously were not, but here was a craftsmanship to be appreciated, akin to that of
a vintage sports car or a bespoke tailored suit. I touched, cupped and finally gripped their firmness, truly
amazed at the wonders of modern science. As far as I am concerned, there is no such thing as fake boobs.
I say, if you can touch them, they are real enough! The rest of the chassis was equally impressive, and so I
savoured this opportunity to gloat over a conquest that only the most dedicated could truly appreciate.
Rather than finding a nasty big surprise waiting for me as I explored her more intimate areas, I found her
to be excited and eager. A willing warmth and wetness welcomed me me as I glided my palms across the
nectarine like texture of her perfect skin. A philatelist might gape over a mint penny black, and a
numismatist fawn over a recently excavated Shang dynasty conch. Considering myself a true aficionado of
the very highest echelons, I truly savoured this exquisite work of beauty, storing away as many mental
snap-shots as possible for later relish.
We slept until late, and then canoodled well into mid-afternoon as if we had all the time in the world,
but eventually I had to go back to my hotel and get a change of clothes. I left a message for Chris and then
returned to pick up Diana, escorting her to a rather classy Thai place on Surasak where she was obviously
a well-known and much-appreciated customer. A throng of domestic diners were just exiting as we
arrived, so we both stopped for a moment to bathe in the stares, men and women alike agape at this
Siamese beauty and her tall, handsome beau. The waitresses quickly cleared a table for us right in front of
the stage, treatment that Diana was obviously accustomed to everywhere she went.
I soon learned a little more about her background, the police-chief father, the trips abroad, the penchant
for cocaine.
Here is my telephone number, as she passed me a crumpled up piece of paper across the table. I
knew her number yesterday, and was a little confused as I unwrapped it unknowingly. The little pink
ecstasy pill made a loud crack as it dropped from my fingers and hit the plate. We giggled at my stupidity
and she excused herself to go to the bathroom.
Later we collected Gigi and Lulu and I was escorted over to a huge go-go bar on the second floor of
Nana Plaza where we enjoyed the dubious charms of the leather dominatrix show. The place was packed,
but Diana had her own specific table and the manager quickly rearranged things so that we could enjoy the
best possible view.
From the corner of my eye, I spotted a lanky school-teacher-type, whose long face and complete lack of
confidence made a rubbery Rowan Atkinson look like Tom Cruise. He hunched nervously over a stale
coke, sweat staining his Marks and Spencer long-sleeve shirt, repeatedly pushing the bridge of his glasses
to the top of his nose, just so that he could ogle all the more effectively. The objects of intent were not
especially inspiring but there was a desperate hunger in his eyes that I recognized from many years gone
by. That same ham sap expression that stares at Sogo perfume girls. The wolf like gaze that undresses
Hongkie schoolgirls as they saunter through Tung Choi Ladies Market. That frenetic fantasy expression
that slavers over ao dai clad cyclists, flowing past the Notre Dame Basilica in Ho Chi Minh City. Part
of me felt compelled to tell him the magical truth about giving up his interminable rat-race existence and

moving out here permanently. Then he could graduate into a full post-doctoral research into some of the
most delectable women on the planet, rather that some sorry twenty-dollar bar-girl in a sleazy dancing
joint for tourists.
Over at Obsessions, an out-and-proud ladyboy bar on the far side of the complex, we were served with
a bottle of Black Label and a Hennessey as Diana immediately made her presence felt, just as she had
done everywhere else. I played googly eyes with a Janet Jackson lookalike (although I think that this one
had a little bit more surgery), while my date sprinkled 'cola' on chilled jellies, insisting that the purple
ones were for us VIPs only. What bought on the mild auditory hallucinations, I am not sure but I
contentedly spent the rest of the early morning flailing away to the house music just across the road,
coming back up to Diana and the dudes every half an hour or so for refresher whiskey and cokes.

Chapter 5

SO WHERE the hell did you go too with that gang of trannies? sneered Chris when I eventually found
him the following morning. He had left me a message to meet him at a hole-in-the-wall coffee stall just
past the patch shop on Sam Sen.
I was just following my sense of adventure. I had done nothing that I was ashamed of, even if I was
not usually a big fan of pharmaceuticals.
Oh, really? What if I told you that we had a drugs test at ten oclock?
I'd say cool. What drugs are we testing? I hope its something synthetic that I have never tried before.
Just to let you know that Ill be making lots of cocks-in-frocks and sore arse jokes from now on.
Yes? Then maybe you should come and meet Sutharni, and see who is the arse is then.
The fact is that while you were out chasing chicks with dicks, our four lovely Chinese girls have all
moved on and so we will to start again from scratch. Tully and Clo got the night train up to Chiang Mai
and Cyd and Myrna took a bus down to Samui.
I hate to tell you, but there about billion more where they came from.
Technically speaking that might be correct, but you are English enough to know what they say about
nice birds and bushy hands
I think that you are getting that one a bit confused, but I get your point. Still not to worry, I need the
practice and I am having fun.
I'm pleased to hear it. I suggest that we try heading up to the Temple of the Dawn again today. We can
say hello to your friend Mary on the way if you like, but let's at least try to make it to the pier this time. I
take it you have been there before.
Sure, its Wat Arun isn't it?
That's right. It's only a hundred Baht ticket price but we do not even need to go in if you have already
seen it. I suggest that we hang out on the dock and then cruise up and down the water just like we did on
the subway.
OK, sounds good to me.
I know a nice cake shop on the way and I can show a couple of good places to stay if you are thinking
of moving up to this part of city?
That sounds cool too.
And later I can show you a ladyboy bar where you can get a lovely cockatoo.
Very funny. Why don't you piss off!
Chris sniggered, got up and started to cross the road.
There is a nice vegetarian over here that we might come back too later, depending on who shows up.
Let's be a bit 'tiao ti' today and not just kowtow to the first pair of yi-mi-ba-shi's that show up.
Sure, as long as promise to cut out all the Anthony Burgess liguabatics.
OK, sorry. So ideally we are looking for a couple of Wenzhou millionairesses, that are staying at the
Towers and have a weakness for English playboys.
Long arms and short hair would always be nice as well.
You're right. After all, I suppose even a bonobo chimp is better than a cockatoo. I could tell he was
going to be like this all day. I wanted to tell him that I had checked as best as I could and that I was 99.9
percent certain that she was all woman. She even held and smoked her cigarettes like a girl. I'd checked
her elbows, knees, hands and shoulders. She danced like a regular girl and she wasn't at all aggressive
like most of the sluts with nuts tend to be. In fact, she paid for just about everything and there was never
any question of a 'fee' on her part. She was just as feminine on the inside and she even had a kid. The
trouble was, I knew that Chris would have only have one thing to say. Did you actually see here ID?

You just don't go demanding to see a girl's ID card when she is paying all the tabs and handing out
sweeties. It is just plain insulting and I did not want to cause offence when I am surrounded by a bunch of
genuine pre-ops, most of whom are taller than I am. I remember hearing about an Aussie that was less than
respectful to a group of ladyboys that were playing pool in a beer bar. They daintily slipped off their
stockings, dropped a couple of pool balls into the toes and beat the poor bastard to a bloody pulp.
It is really not surprising that there is so much demand from Western tourists for Thai ladyboys. A quick
look at the enormous amounts of mainstream porn being churned out in America these days makes it quite
obvious why. The so-called female models in those movies are so far removed from their day-to-day
counterparts, it actually makes sense that so many Westerners have been conditioned to be attracted to
she-men. They are well accustomed to inordinate amounts of silicone sewn onto super skinny frames that
hardly exist in the States outside of Hollywood cosmetic surgery centres. They expect Photoshop quality
make up, sexually aggressive attitudes and more open holes than a municipal golf course. This is a male
fantasy that does not exist outside of the adult movie industry, except at places like Banana Plaza and
down in Pattaya. Normal girls are just not made that way, especially the short, dark Isaan girls that fill
most of the go-go clubs. American porn is very similar to Asian advertising in that the models you see onscreen are wholly unrepresentative of the population at large. Just as Asian women are forced to accept
role-models that they will never be able to live up to, men are now force-fed internet porn that involves
less women and more dystopian, androgynous gynoids.

There were a couple of likely looking lasses checking out the shops on the alleyway to the pier, but
rather than disturb them while they were so intent, we bought a couple of tickets and waited up on the
dock for them to come to us. When they eventually appeared, I was fumbling with my map trying to
pinpoint our exact location before I readied myself to go up and engage them in conversation.
Over reliance on props is the sign of having read way too many pick-up books. We are all on holiday,
we just need to go say hello. He waited for them to pass across the gangplanks onto the main concrete
footings and asked them if they were going to the 'Temple of the Dawn?' They both nodded eagerly and
asked Chris the same question in return.
Not today, he answered. Today we have a meeting down in the jewellery district but we were there
yesterday and enjoyed it immensely. I am sure that you know there is a very strong Chinese connection.
Yes, we were reading about all the porcelain in our guide book.
So which part of China are you from?
The taller of the two girls took a sharp intake of breath between her teeth.
That's complicated. Suddenly, the pair of us were mesmerised. This was far from the average answer
that you expect when asking a Chinese girl where she is from. Ninety-nine percent of the time you will get
either China which is rather stating the obvious, or maybe you don't know which assumes that you are
even more ignorant than she is; possible but highly unlikely. Here was an answer that was extremely
promising and it was just about to get more interesting when the passenger boat roared up to the dockside.
The conductor was blowing his whistle almost directly into my ear and we were being surrounded by
commuters all readying themselves to leap aboard. We were the first down into the seating area, and so
we grabbed a couple of spare chairs up near the captain and beckoned the girls down to join us. We stood
as they sat, but it was very difficult to continue the conversation with all the noise and the spray and the
motion of the boat. Instead Christian pointed out a few things on the riverbank while I checked out the two
girls in more detail.
The complicated girl was wearing a white dress with a circular lollipop pattern around the bottom, not
actual ice creams but multicoloured hoops that reminded me of those Rocket ice lollies from the
seventies. Her friend had a semi-revealing T-shirt and cut-off shorts with peekaboo pockets. For some
strange reason she was wearing sneakers with wings on the side, which were strange but cool in a geeky

kind of way.
Chris pointed out the giant Prang and we helped the girls out of their seats and then off the back of the
boat, once we had pulled up alongside.
I thought you were going to another place? Now she was complicated and suspicious too.
We are, but you cannot hear anything on that damned noisy boat. I just wanted to get your name and
number and then we will jump on the next boat.
You policemen? Her friend giggled and Chris held up his palms in denial.
So why you want my name and number? She continued, clearly enjoying playing with us.
Wow, you really are complicated, aren't you? Chris looked at me and I gave him a smile of approval,
this one definitely seemed to be interesting.
So where you stay? I asked taking over the reins for a moment.
In a guest house. she said flatly, and I decided to let Chris take the strain after all.
OK, so we come pick you up later and go shopping together, OK?
OK.
You have a card for the guest house?
She looked over at her friend who pulled a crumpled business card out of her back pocket and gave it
to Chris.
Thank you sweetheart, and what is your name?
Mao Shu Fang she said quietly, making us strain to hear above the crowds and the passing river
traffic.
Mao Shu Fang? we both exclaimed in unison, Mao Zedong de Mao? She smiled and nodded.
OK, so Miss Mao and Miss Complicated at the Smile Guest House at six o'clock. A long, sharp
whistle blast behind us announced that the next boat had arrived for embarkation.
Chris and I both hopped aboard and waved at the girls as we zoomed off downstream.
I like complicated girls. I confessed rather over-eagerly.
Me too but what is it with these parents that name their poor kid something like kind and gentle?
Really, what did you expect, little Miss Monstrous and Murderous. I am afraid that it just doesn't have
the same ring to it. Do you know where they are staying? Oriental? Sukothai?
You wish, but actually I do know this place. It is down near the dim sum joint, so we can pop in and
see Mr Sinchai on the way. Actually, this is quite a nice little boutique place down by the khlong. I have
not stayed there myself, but I have passed by a few times and it looks really cool. Still, I wonder how
these girls found it? Curiouser and curiouser. Anyway, at least we can be sure that these two were both
real girls. He could not help but have yet another dig. I gave him a forced 'screw you' chuckle and he
continued anyway.
I did actually have a similar experience myself just recently. I was sat on the Skytrain quite late at
night when this girl got on down at Prom Prong. She was stunning like a supermodel, with this supershort, little black dress. She smiled and sat down right opposite me. Then she started crossing and
uncrossing her legs Sharon Stone style, and I was desperately thinking to myself, please God, please God,
please don't get an erection. But of course, she did, and I reckon it was bigger than yours and mine put
together. I was off that train like a flash, I can tell you.
We jumped off onto the next pier at Ratchawong and threaded our way up though the back sois, onto the
main road where we could flag down a cab to take us up to the Golden Buddha.
We hopped out at the main gate and Chris turned to me.
We are both wearing shorts so we'll have to hang around here like a couple of mendicants and just see
what shows up. Time is getting on and so there are bound to be a few probables coming out pretty soon.
No sooner had he finished his sentence did two show up wearing enormous Elton John style sunglasses,
consulting their street map. Unfortunately, one of them had breath that could have euthanized small

mammals and her friend had thick hairy arms like a chacma baboon. We helped them find a tuk-tuk up to
the Grand Palace and waved them off down the road.
But I thought that you liked short hair...? joked Christian.
I do, but not when covers their forearms and conceals their toes. I am not into howler monkeys nor
hobbits, thank you very much!
We grabbed a couple of iced roselle teas and loitered intently. A couple of J-girls emerged, but one
was wearing dungarees, so I shook my head. I curled my lip in distaste at her less than desirable dress
sense and Chris stood his ground. Three pairs of tall blonde Scandi girls followed in quick succession
and I felt like we were at a bus stop with a run of number thirteens, all coming at once. I crossed my
fingers, and bang on cue a pair of lucky eights emerged, dithering for a moment at the gate. Chris gave me
an unexpected shove and I stumbled out to meet them.
Wow, so much gold! I exclaimed, referring to the Buddha inside and feeling like a see-through
Stratford ham, but they both nodded and smiled, and so I continued,
So where you go now, sticking with the grammarless pidgin for the time being, Grand Palace?
They nodded again, and I began to worry that I was trying to pick up a pair of mutes. I waited, but it was
clear that they were quite willing to let me do all the work.
Grand Palace is super-hot at this time of day. Me and my friend are going for ice coffee just near here.
You look hot too.
They looked at each other and then back at me. Far from here? she asked in typical Step-By-Step
style.
I stuttered for a minute. I was not really sure where we were. I knew how to get the train station but that
was about all. The nearest coffee shop could have been in Nakhon Pathom for all I knew but Christian
quickly came to the rescue.
Actually I'm hungry after so much walking. I know a nice place near here that does very good satay
and sweet toast. The mention of sweet toast sounded very appetising and the girls seemed equally
intrigued.
The old Chinese place was barely a hundred metres away and the four of us sat at a simple wooden
table under a rather noisy ceiling fan. It was well past lunch time and we were the only people inside the
tiny little place. Neither of the girls had still not spoken another word by then, and I was worrying that this
was going to be a lot harder work than we had anticipated. Both were in their mid thirties, which is what I
would consider pretty much peak for most Chinese girls. One wore a while polo shirt and Burberry
shorts, while the other was wearing a similar but more generic set up.
So, do you like Chinese food? said I, playing it stupid while we got to know a bit more about them.
We are Chinese. stated the Burberry acolyte.
Oh really, but you speak such good English. I didn't know that Chinese could speak English?
I lived in Brisbane before.
And now?
China. This pair were not giving anything away without a struggle. I let Christian order the house
speciality and watched the girls expectantly to see if they would help move the conversation forward.
Burberry bit and asked causally, So where you from?
Af-han I answered with a cheeky smile, And this is my friend Muhammed from Iraq
Bullshit, you are English! she retorted and we all burst out laughing, the ice having been broken at
last.
You are much smarter that you look, I quipped, testing how good her English really was. My name is
Darby and this is Christian.
Oh, so Christian now, not Muslim? She laughed at her own joke and we politely joined her. I am
San Ling and this is Qiuqiu.

Choochoo? I confirmed expectantly.

Nearly. Qiuqiu, like Coco.
Oh I see, Qiuqiu, I am sorry.

The owner, who looked like a beastly Bruce Leung, but with even less hair and only two fingers on his
left hand, placed a selection of tasty looking dishes on the table in front of us.
OK, began Christian, so these here are fatty pork and these are pork livers, both smoked in coconut
milk and spices. This is peanut sauce, a little bit spicy. This is sweet and sour salad, and this is toast! A
little bit of toast.
The satay smelled divine and my mouth was watering, but I gestured to the girls, saying,
Ladies first. adding, You want ice tea?
San Ling immediately impressed me by answering Yes, please. A straight yes or no is the standard
response from most Chinese. Please and thank you are not so common in Mandarin and so this reply
suddenly had me intrigued. She then proceeded to chew the hot strips of pork with her mouth well and
tightly closed, which was another unexpected surprise. Maybe these two were keepers after all.
San Ling explained that she was from Foshan and Qiuqiu was her net-friend from nearby Nanhai. We
found out they had been in town for two days already and that they had been focussed mostly on temples
and shopping, which was no big surprise to anybody.
We soon put away all the scrummy snacks, and moved the topic of conversation onto nearby sightseeing
attractions.
You ladies look like you have good taste. Have you not been to the Cultural Centre or the National
Gallery? Do you not like art?
I continued before either of them had chance to answer.
I know a small gallery not far from here that specialises in contemporary sculpture. It's on the way to
the Grand Palace. We should go take a look together. The guide book says it is quiet but interesting. They
quickly agreed and shouted across to the owner in Cantonese so that they could pay for the food. I knew
that I had to be more careful teasing older girls like this, but I did not want to let things get too serious by
them thinking that we were on a date.
OK, so we are going on the bus. Have you been on a public bus before? You two girls look like you go
everywhere in a VIP taxi. Today we are taking the scenic route. and I started looking for a number 53
stop. Christian smiled as I gave him a brash and confident 'and the student becomes the master' look
before grabbing San Ling's hand to cross the road.
I enthusiastically pointed out Little India and the garland makers in the flower market. I think that
Christian was almost as impressed as the two girls were. Eventually we arrived at Sanam Luang, and I
leaned over to Christian.
We are looking for the Italian Sculptor's place. Do you know it? He shook his head unhelpfully. Oh
well, it can't be that difficult to find. It must be around here somewhere.
Fortunately, there was a big blue sign saying 'Silpa Bhirasri Memorial Museum 200m' and I breathed a
sigh of relief. The place was a bit smaller than I expected but was still quite interesting. It gave me a good
chance to impress the girls with my tour guide patter, which I had brushed up on in the guide-book the
night before.
So, this museum is dedicated to an Italian artist who was invited to come and teach in Thailand by the
King. I had no idea which number Rama it had been, so I just let it go and continued on regardless.
When the Japanese invaded in the Thirties, he took on Thai nationality to escape the prison camps and
even took a Thai name. My audience of three seemed captivated, so I continued, growing more confident
by the minute.
The book says that this is one of the best collections of early modern Thai art in the world and these

Buddha representation's over here are especially interesting. The heads and busts were done in a
distinctly cubist style that was all the rage at the time, and very different to what most tourists see in
Bangkok. We moved slowly around the perimeter of the room, carefully inspecting the displays
Over here we have some replicas of famous Bangkok monuments. Lets see if you can recognise any of
these? They did not know either the Victory or Democracy Monuments but Qiuqiu recognised the statue
of Rama IV from the night market at Lumphini, although we had to help her to remember the name of the
area itself.
So are you girls staying near the stadium?
No, this time I have a friend at the Oakwood that is giving us a special discount. If that was the case,
these ladies certainly did not fall into the usual backpacker category.
Is that Sukhumvit or Thonglor? asked Christian casually
Thonglor. Replied San Ling equally casually. Thonglor was one of the more fashionable parts of the
city and Oakwood one of the more luxury accommodations in that area. These girls were clearly
slumming it with a couple of vagabonds like us. It was perhaps time to see how far they were actually
willing to lower themselves.
This one is the Democracy Monument which is just down the road. I know a good place down there
where we can go get that iced coffee. After having impressed them with my knowledge of Thai fine arts,
I could have suggested that we all go down to a Khlong Toei abattoir and they would have probably
followed me. We all jumped into a tuk-tuk and alighted outside a rather run-down place, right next to the
monument itself.
It may not look like much, but this place transforms into one of the city's hottest nightspots later in the
evening. We can come back later if you like. It gets packed around midnight and is super hot and sweaty
with a fantastic atmosphere It was clear from their facial expressions that they were not impressed by the
wooden floor interior and general spit and sawdust atmosphere. Little did they know that we were setting
them up.
Christian led the way around the corner. I saw the giant swing at the end of the road and immediately
knew where we were. He turned back to me and said.
We'll stop in for lemon sodas and Auntie can look after the girls while we go and see Mr Sinchai.
Just up the street was the little dim sum joint that we had been to the other day, and so we sat the girls
down and ordered four 'nam manaos'.
We'll be back in about five minutes, but you girls can order some dim sum if you like. Auntie here can
speak Cantonese.
I had not bought enough cash to pay the balance on my dinner jacket and so Christian simply put it on
his account. He told Mr Sinchai that we would come back in a day or two, in case it needed any
alterations. No time for any steaming Oolong tea today and we were back down the rickety wooden stairs
within two minutes and heading back to the girls.
Have you been shopping? ask San Ling curiously.
Oh no, this is just something I had to pick up.
Oh, I see, so you were collecting your laundry. So your hotel is near here too? We knew that she
would bite as long as we tugged on the hook a couple of times.
Oh no, this is not my laundry. It is just my new tuxedo. and I eased down the zipper a few inches to
give them a tantalising glimpse of the black collar and lapel.
You wear a tuxedo in Bangkok.
Sure, in fact we are going to..... I felt the back of Christian's hand swipe me stiffly across the
shoulder.
These ladies do not want to hear about your nocturnal activities.
Oh yes we would. It was obviously starting to work. We could all go somewhere tonight. suggested

Coco. I tugged the line gently to make sure that she was well and truly hooked.
Sure, we could meet up back at that little place by the Democracy Monument later.
No, I was thinking somewhere more elegant so you can wear your new tuxedo.
Actually, butted in Christian, We already have a dinner date this evening. I shrugged my shoulders
apologetically, but we were not getting off that easy.
How about we invite you for dinner and then later you can take us dancing.
What? Tonight? I queried as genuinely as I could.
Of course tonight, right now in fact. Qiuqiu was nodding enthusiastically in agreement.
Oh, but we couldn't possibly. tugging away the imaginary ball of wool that she was trying to sink her
claws into.
Yes, you call them. Just tell that you have some friends that are only in town for a few days. Its not
like you are telling a lie. They were both smiling sweetly and I could see that they were quite used to
getting their own way.
OK, we'll go make a quick phone call, said Christian, but I am not making any promises. And I hope
that you girls are mature enough not to go all 'sa jiao' on us if we have to say no.
Don't worry, we are big girls and we know perfectly well how to behave, thank you very much. San
Ling smiled suggestively and I could have sworn that Qiuqiu was starting to squirm on her stool.
Christian motioned me to step outside.
I don't have my phone. I confessed.
No need, the guest house is just around the corner on this Khlong. We are little bit early, but we can
always leave a message.
A young Thai girl was sat in an easy chair next to reception. She smiled welcomingly and we could see
Miss Mao and Miss Complicated sat out on the far balcony at the rear.
We waied and motioned to our shoes. She shook her head and waved us in. I pointed at the girls and
explained We are here to see Miss Mao. She politely waved us through.
Well, hello complicated girls, and how are you this evening? I have to admit that I was really
intrigued by these two. I was finding it a struggle to blow them off in order to take a gamble on a couple
of rich girls, but Christian was adamant. In fact, he did not even mention the upcoming evening at all, he
simply arranged an appointment for the following midday, saying he knew a great place to get lunch. He
added that if they were good girls then we might consider taking them out dancing to the hottest club in
Bangkok later on, the next evening. I was impressed with the way that kept them excited even though we
were in effect, letting them down. He recommended the spit and sawdust club around the corner if they
were looking for a good place to party tonight and warned them about a rather more sleazy disco up at the
other end of the khlong. We made our excuses and left quickly, knowing that we had impatient ladies
waiting.
Back at the dim sum joint, San Ling and Qiuqiu were in deep in conversation with the miserable old
hag owner, who usually wouldn't give us gweillos the time of day. Typical racist, Cantonese colonist, I
thought to myself.
I am glad to see that you girls are making friends. and smiled ever sweetly at the lao ban niang.
She says that she knows you. said Qiuqiu to Christian.
Really?
Yes, she says that you are both ham sap playboys and that your Mandarin is terrible. and they both
burst out laughing.
In that case, you best tell her we are going for some of the best seafood in Thailand and that she is
most definitely not invited. It was clear that he loathed the old battleaxe with a passion.
The seafood palace that Christian had selected was on the banks of the Chao Phraya, on the way down
towards Taksin Bridge and the best way to get there was by boat. As we approached from the North, the

dockside was filled with diners enjoying cocktails in the breeze, all admiring the lights of the big city. It
might not have been as eye-popping as the view from the Star Ferry but it was close, and the girls were
clearly impressed.
This place is very good but not super expensive, so we can save the tuxedos till later. It is simply not
polite if we are invited to dinner by two generous girls and then choose the most expensive place in town.
This one is very reasonable, and if you two are really Cantonese, then we know that you will be seafood
experts, so you can do all the choosing. Everything here is live and they have loads of choice.
In the event, they were so over enthusiastic that we practically had to hold them back.

That tuxedo has been made to measure you know. If you order any more dishes, I'll never get into it.
They both laughed and ignored me completely, picking out a half-kilo of razor clams and another of
frighteningly large scallops. These were to go with the half a dozen dishes that they had already ordered.
Once the food started arriving, the girls went almost berserk. I cannot believe that these girls had never
even heard of Albert Finney, but as soon as the oysters and the sea crab arrived, they went totally Tom
Jones. The four of us were noisily slurping and sucking slippery flesh from hard shell casings as if we
were auditioning for a fetish film festival. I could feel the disapproving gaze of a Western woman sat
close by with her partner and their two youngsters. Still, I was not going to be perturbed by some longhaul hypocrite that drags her family all over Asia just so that she can tut-tut white guys who do not share
her husband's pedestrian tastes. Sure it was a family restaurant, but we were just engaging in a touch of
harmless food-based foreplay. It is not as if we making out in the middle of the restaurant. If she did not
like our luscious lip-licking and suggestive gazes, then all she had to do was focus on her own table rather
than ours.
Christian was clearly quite taken with San Ling and Qiuqiu seemed quite happy to succumb to my
holiday hypnotics. She did not say much but when she did speak, she had the sweetest French accent that
was gently soothing to the rapid fire synapses of my aural cortex. It turned out that she had previously
lived in Brussels. Before that, she had divorced the Parisian telecoms engineer she had married in her
early twenties, at what turned out to be a far too tender age. The four of us retired to the riverbank with
our glasses of white wine and shared a few cautious exploratory caresses, gently testing each others
barriers, as if we were dipping our delicate toes into potentially scalding-hot bath water. The river
lapped rhythmically below our feet and the bright lights flickered across the water.
It is at times like this when I wish we could just jump in and go for a swim. I said dreamily.
San Ling turned slightly from where she was standing close into Christian and looked over her
shoulder, directly at me.
There is a pool back at our place, so we can all go swimming later after we have worked up a sweat
with some dancing. Back at the table, she wrote down their room number and we arranged pick them up
in an hour or so, once we had been home to get changed. We put them into a taxi with a couple of
anticipatory pecks and waved them off into the traffic. Then it was our turn to separate. We each had to go
back to our different hotels and make the transformation from vacation Prince Charmings into
sophisticated secret agents.


Some ninety minutes later, Christian turned up at my guest house with his hair slicked back, looking
even shinier than his patent leather loafers. I felt somewhat conspicuous in a budget backpacker hostel
wearing a tux and bow tie, even if it was a snap fastener. Still the appreciative looks that we received
from the two girls who were chatting away with their friends on Wechat in the lobby, reaffirmed that it
was far better to be over-dressed than under-dressed.
We'll take the subway up to Suk' and then jump in a cab. announced Chris. I could see he was going to

relish all the attention that we would obviously draw. The security girl at the subway entrance snapped
the steel heels of her boots to attention and gave a grinning great salute, which we both playfully returned.
Tonight we were smart enough to distract plenty of lucky locals from their hand phones, at least for a
couple of minutes of flirtatious smiles.
Once we emerged from Sukhumvit station onto the main Montri drag, Christian pointed across the road
at the Grand Millennium and said,
OK, quick change of plan, I know short cut.
OK, I replied playing along, but not too fast, otherwise I'll be sweating like a glass blower's crack
in all this get up. We both laughed and slowly crossed the road. I felt a bit unsure about heading down
dark Bangkok back alleys dressed as a king penguin but Christian seemed to know where he was going, as
always.
How do you fancy some genuinely English fish and chips, complete with vinegar and pickled onions.
You have got be joking, we have just gorged on enough seafood to sink a small aircraft carrier, and
you are still hungry?
OK, just asking. In that case, we will take a right up here. Suddenly I knew exactly where we were.
Laid out in front us, spread-eagled in fact, were the bright lights and barely covered behinds of the
notorious Soi Cowboy. Here we were dressed up for Her Majesty's Secret Service and he wanted to run
the gauntlet of ten thousand grabby bar-girls. He was clearly much more of an egotist than I had realised.
Both sides of street were lined with lookers in outfits that they were barely wearing. A gaggle of girls
perched on bar stools under a huge neon sign that read Sahara, cheered and wolf-whistled as we walked
past. Despite sticking my chest out until my shoulder blades were almost touching, I was quivering with
butterflies inside. Christian on the other hand, seemed to lapping it up. It was not long before a brave little
cutie in black shorts and a boob tube came running out and hooked onto our arms.
Hey handsome, where you go? Hardly original but said with such a sweet voice that I was certainly
tempted. Christian veered over, gently picked her up and placed her back onto the platform of the bar from
where she had just come, right next to a mamasan with a face like a smacked arse.
Sorry ladies, but my friend no like girls, we go Cockatoo. Cheeky swine would not let it go but it
seemed to do the trick and we were back on our way, unhindered once more. Over to the left stood half a
dozen girls in nurses outfits that barely covered their knickers. I was not surprised that they did not come
running out to greet us when so scantily attired. Not that there was much left to reveal.
The road ahead was suddenly becoming narrower and narrower with red, black and chequered racegirl skimpies closing in on one side and posse of white stetsons, mini waistcoats and incredibly tight hotpants on the other. Christian managed to make it through like a salmon flashing up a weir, while I was
getting pawed by hungry grizzlies on all sides.
Ladies! Ladies please. Careful the suits. and he reached back and pulled me to safety. Not only did
we stand out like a pair of coyotes in a sheep pen, but I was also surprised to see that we were some of
the only white guys around. The place was packed with all kinds of Asian guys from freshly escaped
hikikomori to slimy looking Singaporeans who could barely keep their tongues in their mouths.
Christian stopped suddenly and dropped down to one knee. He placed a couple of notes into the plastic
cup of a less fortunate young lady who was sat in the gutter with her young baby. He gave here a long low
wai, making very visible public merit and then stood back up, beckoning me on. I made the mistake of
smiling at a short-haired looker in a Day-Glo yellow two-piece and she came tottering after us. Christian
smoothly turned, swept her up, spun her around and launched her back in the direction that she had come
from, giving her a quick pat on the behind for good measure. This guy was an operator extraordinaire.
Eventually we reached the Asoke end of the alley, and Christian pointed out a pair of impossibly
beautiful young belles perched on bar stools. Foxy on the right with her headlights on high-beam, was
licking her lips in anticipation and Christian asked.

Shall I leave you here then...?

I jammed the brakes on hard as soon as I saw the sign above Cockatoo!
You cheeky bleeder I shouted angrily and we both stumbled out on Montri rollicking with laughter.
Up on the Asoke Skytrain, I positioned myself carefully in front of an air conditioner, desperately trying
with force-of-mind alone to stop the sweat from running down my cheeks, my temples and the nape of my
neck. Thonglor was only two stops away but we stayed on all the way down to On Nut and then came
back again, just so that I would not melt into a large puddle on the floor. We were still attracting as much
attention as a pair of tumescent teenagers but we were enjoying every minute of it, and did not really want
to get off at all. Two American girls were gawking like a pair of retards, and so I causally wandered over
and put on my most ridiculous Windsor accent.
Excuse me ladies, we are looking for a Russian gentleman with a bald head and a large white cat.
Have you seen anybody that fits that description?
Christian sputtered and about choked with laughter behind me but by the look on the girls faces I might
as well have been speaking Swahili. I turned away and switched quickly into Mandarin for his benefit
only.
America, land of the free, and home of the baffled. Well, at least I think I said baffled. My Chinese
vocabulary is not as rich and varied as my English, so it came out as simply 'stupid' but I think he knew
where I was coming from.
We left them gawping as we pulled in to Thonglor station and disembarked out into the stifling heat
once more. Down on the road below, we jumped straight into a tuk-tuk, and headed deep into what might
as well have been little Tokyo. At the front door, security let us straight in. Chris just showed him the
number and he waved us over to the elevators. I was not sure if I was incredibly pleased or completely
appalled. I cannot remember now if it was the tenth or the twelfth floor, but the girls answered the door in
their best party frocks and squealed like schoolgirls as we folded our arms and struck OO7 poses for
them.
Don't move! cried Qiuqiu and scuttled off to fetch her camera. She popped off a couple of shots in the
hallway and we were then invited inside to survey the surroundings and shoot some more snaps. The girls
had splurged on a two-bed serviced apartment and we ended up in the kitchen for a couple of glasses to
get the party going. San Ling was wearing a white mini dress with a mesh outer that gave it a sexy bat
wing effect. Qiuqiu had an equally sexy short, black cocktail dress with red highlights on the cuffs, a
bright red belt and a buttoned slash up one side to show off her long legs. Damn and they looked nearly as
good as we did.
You girls look wonderful, but Qiuqiu sweetheart, there is only one thing wrong with that dress. Her
face dropped for a brief second to give me a 'what's wrong?' look and so I laughed out loud just to make
sure that she knew I was joking.
You are still wearing it. and I lunged for her waist, only to be batted away with a playful smack and a
faux angry pout.
We could have stayed in the apartment and let nature take its course, but we were all dressed up and so
it would have been a waste not to go out and flaunt it. Downstairs, the building had its own bright red,
stretch tuk-tuk that was the most garish thing I had seen since the utterly tasteless lime-green limos at the
Kempinski in Sanya. It was free for residents and so the girls being Chinese, insisted on making use of it.
Our first stop was a steampunk themed bar that was a metal shop during the day and a chic hi-so hang
out in the evening. All the rivets and caging looked fabulous. The main problem with Bangkok high
society, is that they all have boatloads of cash, but are actually quite boring. I was there for the
anachronistic Victoriana and retro-futurist design but was incredibly disappointed to see the staff in jeans
and t-shirts rather than top hats and bustiers. Christian and I looked as though we had been grown in a lab
in the basement, but there again a tux looks at home pretty much everywhere. This was the kind of place to

head to after a Rocky Horror Show or a cosplay convention and while I could see that Christian equally
appreciated the surroundings, the girls were itching to go and dance.
We were directed to a Vietnamese sounding place down the road in Ekamai where the party was just
getting into full swing as we arrived. Busy but not heaving, it was mainly anorexic young narcissists who
were much more focussed on their cell phone selfies than the world around them. Having so much
disposable income at such a tender age often has that kind of unpleasant effect, no matter whether it is
Dubai or Dongguan. We four had been partying hard when most of these lightweights were still in daycare, so we ordered a bottle of Especial and started knocking back slammers. I wanted to make sure that
we both ended up hugging something more comfortable than a porcelain bowl and so made a conscious
effort to spread the joy around with some of the locals. Of course, it wasn't long before we had Pinklao
party girls doing body shots. Expensively enhanced silicone cleavages and unbelievably tacky tramp
stamps were suddenly being sucked into the event horizon of a Jose black hole that was centered on our
table. It never ceases to amaze me how a dash of salt and a slice of lemon can turn a bunch of fake lips,
lashes and hair into instant sluts. Just add Mexican rocket fuel. Hi-so wannabes with not so far to fall. We
shook our collective booties for a while but I wanted our girls conscious rather than in Cuervo-induced
comas, so I grabbed the bottle and suggested a night cap back at theirs. All the way home we were roaring
with laughter at the ease with which the twenty-somethings could be convinced to make complete cretins
of themselves in public, and started recounting stories of how we used to do exactly the same when we
were their age, which thankfully was not so long ago.
I unhooked myself from Qiuqiu just long enough to high five a very surprised security guard and we
were soon in the lift, holding each other up. I staggered up to their front door stuck my eye up against the
spy hole. I turned around, unexpectedly flinging my arms up in the air.
Hell, there's no one here, lets go somewhere else!
We began to frog-march the girls back down the corridor and they practically had to drag us into the
apartment. So much for politely waiting to be invited inside. I instructed San Ling to put on some music
while I gently deposited Qiuqiu on the sofa. Once the pair of them were sat down beside each other, Chris
and I walked around to the back of the sofa, clapped our hands over their eyes and I shouted,
Surprise! The strippers have arrived. I didn't need to offer Chris any encouragement whatsoever.
Soon the girls were gasping and squealing as we baited them with increasingly erotic glimpses of whiteboy flesh. We teased them relentlessly, using our cummerbunds like they were exotic feather boas, but
without going for the full monty. The track came to an abrupt end and we both froze.
OK, all change! and we pulled them up from their seats and sank down in their places. I pulled out a
couple of fake millions from my wallet and added, One million dollars for the lap dance of a lifetime!
and the bills were immediately snatched out of my hand. We started making decidedly derogatory
comments to egg them on and it worked like a treat.
Chris will you look at these girls dance, these have to be the dirtiest bitches in all of Bangkok. I've
never seen such a couple a sluts work it so hard. They seemed determined to act out the parts for all they
were worth. They writhed and rotated like a pair of vestal vixens and were soon down to their
underwear. For a few minutes I was fixated and then motioned Chris to stand up. For added formal effect,
we faced each other, shook hands and bowed, with me saying,
Good night, good sir,
I grabbed Qiuqiu, flipped her roughly over my shoulder and marched off into one of the bedrooms,
slamming the door behind me.
You are such a bad, bad, dirty girl. I parked myself on the edge of the bed and manhandled her over
my knee.
I've never seen a girl behave so badly and gave her a slap on the behind that resounded with a sharp
audible crack. I wasn't expecting her to scream but it added to the thrill and I immediately punished her

for that misdemeanour too. I gave her a couple of sloppy wet kisses to emphasise the stinging sensation
and then picked her up again and tossed her onto the bed. She propped herself up on her elbows and I
started undoing my belt.
Now, I'll show you what we do with dirty Chinese girls! For a moment I saw real fear flash behind
her eyes. Pulling the leather slowly through the loops, I let the tension build, allowing her to really think
that she was going to get a thorough whipping. Then I dropped the belt on the floor, only to launch myself
on top of her. I could physically feel the sense of relief as I smothered my face into her neck and held out
her arms high above her head.

Chapter 6

SEVERAL hours later, I awoke to the chanting of monks and the gentle breathing of Qiuqiu nuzzled up
against my arm. Despite its much vaunted nightlife, as I get older, it is the very early mornings that I
appreciate most about Thailand. A tropical dawn chorus here is very different to the one that I grew up
with. The unfamiliar whistles and chirps of weavers, jacanas and mynahs match perfectly with the serene
sounds of daily temple life. It is only at this time of day that a truly Buddhist country has the opportunity to
reveal itself. For most of its twenty four hour cycle Bangkok is a foul, disgusting place. Despite the
immense concentrations of wealth, the vast majority still live in tin-shack poverty with highly uncertain
futures. Just like the Chao Phraya upon which it sits, Bangkok is curvy and excitable and yet diseased and
filthy at the very same time. This is the dichotomy of most modern big cities. So many of us want to be
there, yet they are such festering centres of profligacy and disparity. Fortunately I drifted of back into arms
of angels before the negativity of twenty-first century reality was able to pull me fully awake.

It is strange how a tux can feel so much different the morning after. While we looked like long-time
members of Sinatra's Rat Pack last night, this morning I felt more like Roland and his little furry friend
Errol, as we took the Skytrain back to Sukhumvit. We were crumpled and unshaven but we were still two
guys in DJs coming home from a mission accomplished. I dread to think how it must feel for a young lady
in a cocktail dress and tottering heels, who draws a completely different kind of attention in the same
situation. We certainly stuck out among all the office types, but at least it was not a ride of shame which
would have been almost unbearable if we had both been girls.

After stopping off at a dry cleaners, we were about half an hour late arriving at the guest house of Miss
Mao and her complicated friend but they were both waiting patiently on the balcony. They quizzed us
intently on our previous nights activities but Christian simply told them that we had been out with an old
friend called Jose and that a good time had been had by all. No doubt they could sense that there was far
more too it than that. Girls seem to be able to sense the air of victory and conquest. Josephine and Lady
Hamilton were certainly intoxicated by such ethereal excitement. These girls too seemed to understand
that we were both on something of a roll and it was going to much better to go with the flow than be
knocked out of the way like a frame of tenpins.
Chris led the four of us on a bus ride up to a part of the river that I had never visited before, and we all
jumped off outside a rather non-descript hotel. The drab concrete road-side faade transformed into long
riverside promenade at the rear and we suddenly found ourselves almost fighting our way into the groundfloor bar of a large restaurant. It could have been closing time at the Forbidden City by the number of
Mainland Chinese tourists that were emerging.
Go order some drinks, ordered Chris, While I take the girls up onto the veranda. By the time I had
made it upstairs with a tray full of watermelon juices, the three of them were sat gorging themselves at a
table filled with plates of seafood. The rest of the enormous dining room was completely empty.
Forty baht each for the juice?
I nodded in confirmation.
That makes this the cheapest all-you-can-eat seafood buffet in the whole of Thailand. he said smiling
from ear to ear. The cheeky dog had sat the two girls at the best balcony table and then piled the table high
with dishes that had barely been touched by the recently departed Chinese tour group. In the centre of the
table sat a huge flame-lit tureen of tom yam gong soup. Surrounding it were all kinds of ingenious
concoctions from langostinos abrigados (king prawns and asparagus in mozzarella and bacon blankets) to
enormous seafood skewers. Squid, fish balls and scallops on sticks, punctuated by pineapple and sweet

peppers. Tiger prawns dressed in noodles, steamed whelks and seafood custard curries individually
wrapped in banana leaves. The selection was mouth watering.
Waste not, want not. he continued tucking into plate of red crab curry and pan-fried fish cakes. At
first I was not sure if I was amazed or appalled, but he insisted that I sample the crab-meat patties and I
was immediately converted. The girls were already up to their elbows in shellfish and not wanting to be a
stick in the mud, I helped them chow down on the assorted delicacies. It seemed perfectly fine to simply
ignore the fact that these were somebody else's leftovers and focus instead and the fantastic quality of the
food.
Once we were stuffed to bursting point, Chris explained the situation.
I knew the boss here, Khun Suthipong, when he used to work as head of F&B at the Shangri-la. He left
about two years ago and now does this luxury seafood buffet for Chinese package tourists instead. The
overheads are incredibly low and I reckon that he makes a packet. I sometimes come here in the evenings
for the view, but lunchtime is the real bargain. All of this, he waved his hand across our table of marine
cornucopia for less than a fiver, including drinks. Cheers!
Thoroughly sated, he persuaded us to adjourn to a clean table at the far end of the balcony and we sat
watching the river traffic flit by, waving at tourists in long-tails and youngsters on river-taxis. I did not
think that the girls would be impressed at being taken for lunch on other folks' leftovers but I quickly
realised that this was not a conventional date and he was not out to impress them in the traditional manner.
If anything, it worked even better than I expected, although I could see that it might not work as well on
more spoiled girls. Miss Mao and Miss Luo (as Miss Complicated turned out to be) were quite
accomplished backpackers and they really appreciated the value of hunting down bargains as a part of the
travel experience. I still think that the whole thing would have been a disaster if we had tried to pull this
off with a couple of Thai girls, but this is just another reason why we love Chinese tourists so much.

The four of us were stuffed like a plate full of artichokes. It was decided that we were in serious need
of recuperation if we were still taking the girls dancing that evening. Chris made some excuses regarding
a mysterious business deal involving a gentleman and a canine and we sneaked off for an afternoon nap,
promising to pick up the girls at nine o'clock sharp.
A short detour first, as we put the girls into a taxi and waved them off. I fancy a change of scene, so
we'll jump on boat up to Pra Athit and go see if Mary's got any bloody rooms. As it turned out, Mary still
had a full house, so we checked into a place around the corner that was more like an apartment complex,
with simple standard double rooms. We didn't have any luggage or ID with but Chris simply told the cutie
on the front desk that our passports were at the embassy and we would have them back in a day or so. We
could have been practising serial killers for all she knew but it did not seem to matter as long as we paid
our cash deposits.
By the time we had moved accommodation and clocked up another eighty winks between us, it was
dusk and we were both feeling restless. As always, Christian had a plan.
I fancy making things even more complicated for our friends, so how about we have a look in at
Mary's and see if we can get some reinforcements?
The more the merrier. I replied, wishing that I had met this guy ten years earlier. You are not
worried that the Smile girls will take it badly if we show up with competition?
Hell no! You are getting Chinese mixed up with Thai girls. In this part of the world, they have a well
earned rep for being super-jealous. Thais, Mons, Khmers, all the same. Haven't you heard all the stories
about Thai girls cutting off some poor guys dick as a result of infidelity or other miscellaneous
infraction?
Well, sure. I replied. Everybody had heard those horror stories.
When I first came to Bangkok, there was a German guy living down on Soi Six, butterflying around

with every girl he could get his hands on. One night, his regular girl sneaked a kitchen knife under the
sheets, sliced off his manhood at the root and tossed it out of the window. Poor bastard lived on the fourth
floor and by the time he got down to the street, all he found was a scabby soi dog licking up the leftover
blood.
OK, I get the message. Lets go find a couple of nice Chinese girls instead.

We took a cut through onto Buttri and he pointed out a few of the other guest houses, especially the
signage that they were displaying.
Loads of Japanese stay at this place. You can see all that Hiragana on the notice board. The balance
between J-girls and J-Guys is much more evened out though.
This one is popular with NBKs. He said pointing at the Hangul script in the window.
NBK? I queried.
Natural Born Koreans.
As opposed to what?
As opposed to Ko-Ams, Korean Americans. They are a right pain in the arse. Even worse than ABCs,
American Born Chinese and even BBCs. They have a nasty tendency to combine the very worst of both
cultures. What we are looking for is MBAs.
Really? MBAs? Did he really mean business grads?
Married But Available, pillock! He jabbed me playfully in the ribs and waltzed off down the street
towards Mary's.

Mary was not even her name, let alone the name of the guest house but it was one of those places that
really did seem to be running over in Mainland backpackers of the female variety. You might find it hard
to believe that it was as simple as smiling, and then sitting down as soon as we got a smile in return. In
this instance, it also happened to be the very first table on the pavement, but that is just how it was.
Smiling at strangers is not common practice in Mainland towns and cities, where outsiders are generally
viewed with suspicion. Most Chinese people are far too stressed out coping with life to worry about
being nice to each other. These two girls on the other hand had just arrived in exotic and exciting Thailand
and were actually very open to the idea that two handsome Westerners might come along and sweep them
off their feet. Even though Bangkok is not really an innately romantic place like other destinations such as
Paris or Venice or Lijiang, it is very exciting and adventurous. In fact, Thailand as a whole is perceived
as being more sexy and even a little bit slutty, somewhere you can let your hair down without any serious
repercussions. If I can, I now try to incorporate all of that into my opening smile, with a greeting that
unconsciously confirms that what happens in Bangkok, stays in Bangkok.

I would not have described Ella and Aries as glampackers, although they were definitely attractive, so
much so that I was surprised they had not already been snatched up by another pair of shady wolves. They
were not wearing much, if any make up and they were not toting the usual designer-brand accessories. In
fact, they were both wearing what is fast becoming the Asian female backpackers uniform, a strappy
black top and baggy tan cargo pants. In addition, Ella was wearing a red bandanna, biker chick style. I
have to admit that they were a little young for my particular tastes, perhaps in their early to mid twenties
and probably fresh out of uni but the night was young and there would always be more opportunities to
trade up as the evening wore on.
This time there was no pretence; Chris just strolled up with a Hello ladies. Can we sit here with you
for five minutes? He went on to explain that we were here to see a friend who worked inside and then
later we were going to meet some more friends to go dancing. Unfortunately, Mary was nowhere to be
seen, so we made a little small talk with the girls and told them that we could only stay for one quick

drink. Ella was working in the marketing department of the Holiday Inn Chengdu, while Aries had not yet
found a job and was hoping to go to Australia. They were both English majors and although not very well
practised, were both technically speaking, proficient enough. They might have struggled to keep up with
some of the other backpackers in town, but Chris and I were both very familiar with their Chinglish
limitations and knew how to keep things simple enough so as to make ourselves understood.
Chris asked them if they could speak any Thai and they came out with the usual hello, thank-you and
how-are-you phrases
OK, you are nice girls, so I teach you the most important and useful words in Thai. They both looked
at him expectantly.
Every time you use this, you will really impress Thai people and make them very happy. Ella was
now leaning forward in expectation.
OK, he continued This is Thai for 'Long Live the King.' Repeat after me: Song phra Charoen.
Both girls enunciated very clearly.
sohng-phra-ja-reern
Very good. Complimented Chris. You can use this after you say thank you or good bye. Whenever I
give tips, I always wai, say thank you and then say 'Song phra Charoen.' It always makes Thai people very
happy. Little did they realise that he was setting them up in the nicest way possible.
Five minutes had quickly turned into twenty five, and it was now well past eight thirty.
So are you boring girls just going to sit here all night? I asked, teasing them gently. Before they had
chance to answer, Chris was quickly following up.
You can come with us if you want. First we go meet our friends, then we go eat something and then
later we go dancing at the best disco in Bangkok... Maybe you are too young to go to discos and have to
go to sleep early? Maybe your family no like you go dancing?
He was only joking but it seemed to have the desired effect and they clearly wanted to join us. Christian
knew he now had the advantage and wanted to push it just that little bit further.
OK, we make a deal, you pay for our drinks here and we take you with us.
OK! and they were calling over a waitress straight away to settle the check-bin. It was only a couple
of hundred baht but I was still impressed. Some people might call it manipulation but Chris explained it
was more of a pre-selection process. He was simply trying to screen out the gold-diggers and sa-jiao
types that would have caused us grief at a later stage. I was learning a lot about the difference between
pushy and forceful, and more importantly between direct and dominant. It was working well for him and
so I saw no reason why it should not work for me too.
We walked down to Democracy, careful to skirt the main Khaosan drag. It was just too much hassle at
this time of night. Too many touts and too many dodgy dog-on-string type foreigners with whom we simply
did not want to be associated in the eyes of these lovely Chinese girls.
Down at the Smile Guest House, we could see that Miss Mao and Miss Complicated were a little
surprised when we showed up with a couple of new girls in tow. A little competition never hurts and they
were all polite to each other. It certainly helped that everybody was Chinese. Chris and I did not let on
that we could understand when they started talking to each other, but honestly it did not really matter. Still,
there was no point in hanging around and so we headed out to the Swing to find a tuk-tuk that could
squeeze in all six of us. We spent most of the short trip down to Sala Daeng waving at random Thai folks.
Two guys by themselves waving sometimes gets a strange reaction but a big group with four good looking
girls creates all kinds of positive responses. It is not something that is generally done in China and so we
knew that it would make the girls feel even more that they were in a distant land with strange customs and
an exotic culture. After all, might as well act like tourists having a good time, if that is the experience that
you are looking for.
When we arrived at the top of Silom, Chris leaned in close to Ella and Aries and asked them if they

could remember the new Thai phrase that he had taught them.
OK, we let you pay this one and then you can practice. They nodded eagerly and reached for their
purses. I realised then that he had been setting them up to take care of the fare and yet they still thought that
he was helping them out. He made them hold back until they had paid the driver and had bowed a couple
of thank yous. Then he held up a finger like Herbert Von Karajan, and they both said 'Song phra Charoen'
in unison. The driver's face lit up and he waied repeatedly.
Dr Furtwngler, I presume! Vee Ver not expeck-tink you. I whispered sarcastically to him as we all
went to cross the road.
I personally thought that heading for Patpong was a mistake, and it was not long before I had some
sleazy tout ask me if I wanted 'lady.' I responded that we already had four ladies with us, to which the
cheeky swine replied that he could find 'more sexy.' Chris just ignored him and headed right into the belly
of the beast, clearly on a mission for something specific. We stopped at a street-stall selling a selection of
wok-fried insects and he immediately ordered a bag of grasshoppers. I was tempted to ask for a bag of
otter's noses but restrained myself and asked the girls what they wanted. I tried to steer them away from
the silk worms, saying that they were not as nice as the boiled variety that are popular in Korea, although I
was happy to recommend the bamboo grubs. The two Sichuan girls had already tried these but the other
pair were keen to try. Ella and Aries decided to try water beetles as they looked quite different to the
small black type that is popular in Guangdong.
We parked ourselves at a folding table and ordered a large Leo, which promptly arrived with six
plastic cups. Chris told Shu Fang OK, so you can be mother. and let her pour the beer for the rest of us.
These remind me of my first Thai girlfriend, he said thoughtfully holding the bag of grasshoppers up
in the air and inspecting them closely. Before I could make any unpleasant jokes about lice, he continued.
She loved to eat fried insects. and gazed into the distance for a moment before turning to Ella.
So in a relationship, which is more important, deep, deep love or hot, hot sex? I could see that he had
taken her off guard and Aries about half-choked on a mouthful of fried larvae. For a moment I thought I
was going to get half-chewed insect stains all over my shorts but somehow she managed to contain herself
while the other girls started giggling.
We let the girls debate the topic for a few minutes, occasionally playing devil's advocate whenever they
came near to a consensus and then Christian spun them around once more.
Actually, we asked you girls to come with us because we really do not want to find deep love or hot
sex tonight? All four were visibly confused. I am sure that each one thought we had bought them along to
see if we could get into their underwear, like every other guy that they had ever met. This strange
statement had obviously left them all a little flummoxed.
That is right. We are going just down the road to a very famous gay disco, so we want you to be our
bodyguards. You girls are our security. There will be super-hot looking, handsome guys everywhere but
please do not forget that we are now your good friends and that we will need your protection.
Ella was especially flabbergasted. It was clear from her good looks that she was used to getting far
more than her fair share of male attention, but we were turning the tables on her and it was really
interesting to see her gobsmacked reaction. I continued, ignoring her look of shock completely.
The music is great and the place is very friendly, but please make sure that nobody gets too friendly, if
you know what I mean. We are not gay but we do like dancing and having a good time. So you will take
care of us, right?
The girls nodded in agreement but were otherwise lost for words.
Ella, do you want to teach these girls your new Thai?

It turned out that Miss Complicated's English name was Connie and she had been polishing her English
by working in a Youth Hostel in Kunming. Before that she had done quite a bit of travelling and now she

was taking an extended break from China to explore South East Asia. Shu Fang was originally from Anhui
and not Shaoshan in Henan, nor did she have a sister called Li Na. I am sure that she heard these jokes all
the time but perhaps not in English.
After we go dancing, and we are all hot and sweaty, I told her. We can go all go swimming in the
river. We all fell about when she told us that she could not swim.
Mao Zedong de Mao and you don't know how to swim? How crazy is that? Both Chris and I ended up
giving her stick about that for the rest of the evening. With a name like 'kind and gentle' we were perhaps
being a little unkind to the poor girl but she seemed to take it all in good spirits.
As we walked down to Soi 2, Chris stopped in front of us to make a donation to yet another unfortunate
girl that was hugging her knees on the pavement. He dropped a few coins into the cup and waied. I turned
to Ella and said,
He does this all the time. He says he does not want to come back as an insect and be eaten by girls like
you!
It was touch and go for a few minutes while we tried to convince the door staff that our girls were
Chinese, not Thai. Eventually they let us in and Ella could not resist upping the monarchy yet again as we
passed through the main door. Inside it was already heaving but we were well in time for the 11.30pm
cabaret. The most outrageous ladyboys in Bangkok did a selection of short skits and songs that were a bit
too localised in some places for us foreigners, but were for the most part quite entertaining. Christian kept
lowering his chin and raising his eyebrows suggestively at me but I just smiled diplomatically and
ignored whatever he was trying to imply.
I put my arm around Ella.
Just relax sweetheart. Two Thai guys over there are watching me, and I do not want them to think that
Christian is my boyfriend. It was a lie, there were in fact about twenty hungry pairs of eyes checking us
out and I felt like a heifer at the Hereford Country Fair. To my surprise Ella pulled herself in close and
grabbed a hold of Aries, who quickly did the same.
Just doing my job, sir. and they both smiled up at me sweetly.
As a sextet, we all moved out onto the dance floor among all the tops-off Thai boys and suspiciously
tall girls. Actually for a gay club, the mix was a lot more varied than many people would normally expect.
When most people think of gay clubs, they imagine them populated solely with YMCA guys and Freddy
Mercury lookalikes but this place was much more diverse. On the ground floor especially, it looked as
though the crowd had a good smattering of heteros amongst all the hedonistic homos. The only downside
was that we were simply not as good looking as all the local regulars. Still better to be outshone by a
bunch of Thai money-boys than a clique of trust-fund tosspots, whose only skill was being born into
wealth. The really big surprise here was the number of Chinese guys. I had always been amazed at how
few Chinese guys there were at places like Khaosan or any of the sightseeing spots. It turns out that most
of them were down here, which made sense really. Chinese guys are not really going to come all the way
to Thailand for the regular red-light scene. China already has more hookers than every other country in the
world put together, and they tend to look down their noses at dark-skinned South East Asians anyway. But
for Chinese gays, it is a different situation altogether. Until recently, being queer in China was classed as
a mental disease that could get you locked up. Even now, coming out of the closet is completely
unacceptable in most areas, even though a much larger proportion of the male population is effeminate and
prone towards homosexuality than any other country I know. Perhaps it is the one child policy that has
created so many mommy's boys. I suppose that in this respect, it was no surprise that they would be
present in droves at a gay club like this. Still, they were not harming us and we were not interested in
them, so it was just live and let live as far as we were concerned.
I could not be sure if Ella and Aries were still putting on the body-guard act or were just very lively
dancers but Connie and Shu Fang were also really going for it by this stage. Maybe they were inspired by

all the pretty-boy Cathay Pacific flight attendants that surrounded us. At least, it was not too hard to
imagine them in trolley-dolly uniforms anyway.
Ella and Aries were now taking their roles as bodyguards very seriously indeed. Not only were they
guarding my body, they were rubbing up and down it like a pair of auditioning pole-dancers. I thought that
it was hilarious that here we were in Thailand and it was the two Chinese girls that were acting more like
a pair of attention seeking Siamese kittens than any of the Thais in the whole place. By the look of it,
Connie and Shu Fang had been taking notes and were giving Christian the same erotic treatment. While I
was obviously enjoying myself immensely, there was one nagging thought running through my mind
where the hell was Bowie when I needed him! Unfortunately, Mary and Jane would not be paying us a
visit this evening, although I am sure that the place was awash with Crystal and Tina. I pushed all these
other temptresses out of my mind and focussed solely on Ella and Aries, rewarding their hot little bodies
with an appreciative pair of pervy paws. Out of the corner of my eye, I caught a glimpse of two matching
male hard-bodies, watching the three of us randomly grope each other with what appeared to be outright
disapproval. I couldn't believe it, especially when I thought of what these filthy little bastards do to each
other, and yet they had the gall to look at us in disgust. I was getting more than a little hot and bothered, so
I told the girls to order some cold drinks, grabbed Chris around the shoulder and struggled though the
crowd over to a much needed air-conditioner.
Up close, I shouted directly into his left ear.
What the hell are we going to do with four girls? He looked at me as if I was a moron.
Exactly the same as you do with one girl, you idiot. You just have to do it four times.
I laughed and shook my head.
That is not what I meant and you know it.
Earlier you were quite happy to double down and now you want to split a pair of aces? I could see
he was not exactly chuffed. OK, OK, count is up to about plus one billion anyway, so I am sure we can
afford to pass up on a couple.
Those two girls are definitely up for it. I stated, looking back at Ella and Aries.
Well of course they are up for it. They are on holiday, that is exactly what they are here for. Its not
called 'Bangkok' for nothing you know.
We both burst out laughing.
You don't think that they are bit young?
Oh Jesus, don't tell me that you going all Gary on me now?
Can't we just hand them off onto a couple of lucky guys?
Good thinking Batman, just one problem there. We are the middle of a bloody gay bar!
We were both creased up again. Not for a long time had I so much fun trying to solve such a difficult
dilemma.
OK, OK, so here's is the plan. Just enjoy yourself for the time being, and we will all head back to
Khaosan a bit later for some late night eats and a night cap.
We got back to the bar and Aries had ordered a round of shooters. She picked up two and handed them
to Chris and I, shouting up at us,
B52s in the desert!
Chris gave me a long hard stare as if to say 'You really want to hand this girl off to somebody else?' We
all downed our drinks as one and started whooping and cheering, followed by high-fives for the girls and
body-checks for the boys. We conga-lined back on the dance floor and got down to some seriously dirty
dancing. I was soon sweating like a spit hog but resisted the temptation to fling off my shirt. There were
simply too many buff young hunks around and I was not yet drunk enough to start making a complete fool
of myself in the company of so many professional Chippendale types. Up on the second floor it was a
different story. Distinctly dodgy-looking foreigners were cruising among shoals of eager rent-boys. Most

of the farangs were old guys, looking more like bloated puffer-fish than lean basking sharks. I focussed
instead on the dance floor and our four sweethearts who were having the time of their lives, determined to
join in fully with their extreme erotic work-outs.
I was definitely beginning to flag when Christian started making T signs with his fingers, and although
Ella and Aries were still bopping around like Duracell bunnies, I could see the Connie and Shu Fang
were also relieved to take a break. Fortunately, none of them complained when we led them over to the
main door.
We are going back to Khaosan Road for some 'xiao ye' and maybe a night cap. You girls wanna stay
here with all the gay boys?
Ella and Aries were still buzzing but the clearly did not fancy the thought of being left alone and quickly
agreed to coming back with us.
Tuk-tuks swarmed around us like a plague of blowflies as soon as we stepped out on the street, but it
was amazing to see Chris take charge with just one simple phrase. Six or seven pushy drivers were all
shouting at once asking him where he wanted to go. He looked at the girls for a second and then turned
back to the face the melee.
Speak Chinese? there was an uncomfortable pause as the drivers all fell silent. He turned back to the
girls and started speaking Mandarin for added effect.
Women hui jia, hao ba? (We are going home, alright?) The girls looked a bit stunned but immediately
responded in kind. He looked at me and added Yi bai, yi bai wu, O bu OK? confirming that the price
should be 100, maybe 150 baht. I nodded and he motioned Ella, Aries and myself into the first tuk-tuk and
then climbed into the one that was directly behind with Connie and Shu Fang.
As we headed out onto Silom in close convoy, the two girls began quick-fire quizzing me in Mandarin.
You can speak Chinese? Ella examined my face suspiciously.
Yes, but it is a secret, so don't tell anybody. and switched immediately back into English. Do you
have any change, I only have thousands. While they looked for hundreds, I negotiated with the driver in
Thai and got the price down to 150, just as Chris had anticipated.
Each girl held out a hundred baht bill but were still looking shocked and a little taken aback at this
unexpected turn of events.
We are full of special surprises, I responded casually, as if a couple of white guys spouting off in
Mandarin was the most ordinary thing in the world. You keep hold of those, and then you can practice
your Thai with the driver when we get to Khaosan. The driver started asking the usual questions and so I
teased him about not be able to speak Chinese, reminding him how many Mainlanders were now coming
to Bangkok. I had the girls teach him how to say hello and thank you in Mandarin. I added 'mei nu' so that
he could say 'Hello beautiful girls!' and we all started laughing out loud. We soon arrived at the bottom
end of Khaosan and he was bursting with gratitude as the girls tipped him an extra fifty baht and repeated
that ever useful Thai royal tribute. I am sure that it made a nice change from a couple of sullen Russians or
a group of tight-assed Israelis, with which he was probably far more familiar.
Chris took us up to a nearby Irish Bar and although the Chesterfields were all taken, we did manage to
snag a booth at the back which was just right for the six of us. He popped out to the 7-11 while we
ordered some drinks (we were just in time for the early morning 1 am happy hour), and came back with a
pack of cards. He ripped off the cellophane while the girls looked at me for an explanation but I was as
clueless as they were. He pulled out just six cards and discarded the rest onto the seat next to him.
OK, so here we have ace through six and ace is the leader card. For example, if I have the leader card,
then I get to ask the questions, and you guys have to choose a number.
He shuffled the other five cards and set them down on the table. We each chose one and kept it
concealed while he explained that we were temporarily assigned that number for the duration of the
round.

So, round one, number three, Truth or Dare?

I was astonished that we were going to play such a frat-house type game, and even more amazed that he
proposed that we do so in public. Connie placed the three of diamonds face up onto the table, and opted
for a truth question.
Tell us about something you stole.
She considered for a moment and then told us about a brand of ice cream called Lao Bing Bang that she
stole when she was visiting her grandparents in Chengdu as a youngster. All four girls breathed an audible
sigh of relief. Perhaps they thought that they were going to be quizzed about some intimate sexual details
of their personal life, but Chris was keen to make it easy, at least for the first few rounds.
The cards were shuffled and we all drew again. Everybody kept their cards to themselves, except for
Ella who had managed to pick the Ace this time.
OK sweetheart, he explained softly. This time you have the ace so you are now the boss and you get
to choose.
She looked around the table and then announced, Number two. Truth or Dare
Number two for this round turned out to be her friend Aries and she too opted for truth. Ella seemed to
be stuck for a moment, so I leaned across and whispered a suggestion into her ear. Complicated Connie
immediately started protesting.
That's cheating! she complained
It's not cheating, I countered, It's helping. There's a difference. I am sure that Christian will be happy
to help you girls. With me sat between Aries and Ella, and Christian flanked by Connie and Shu Fang, it
looked like this might quickly become a team event.
OK, continued Ella, Tell us about your first kiss, Aries.
For a couple of rounds, nobody was brave enough to take a dare and so we sat through a selection of
relatively innocent questions about school crushes and theoretical lottery wins. Then the ace came back to
Christian and I could see by his face that he was ready to ratchet up the tension a notch.
Number five, truth or dare? This time I was five, and so I was going to have to bear the brunt of his
sick sense of humour. I was certainly not prepared to start running up and down Khaosan Road starkbollock-naked and so I went for truth again.
OK, which person at this table do you think gives the best blow job? Shu Fang about choked on her
drink and spat a mouthful of mojito half-way across the table.
Good question. I smiled and panned slowly around the table, But very difficult to answer. Actually,
it was a great question and worked like a charm for moving things up a gear. One by one, I had the girls
show me their tongues and then their hands. I then had them pouting their lips and opening their mouths as
wide as they could. I even had them mime a few suggestive hand movements. They were soon giggling
like four horny teenagers and when I asked Chris to go through the same motions, they were practically on
the floor in hysterics.
Well, Connie has really soft lips, which I think would be nice but Shu Fang has the longest tongue
which is also important. Their faces were bright red by now, a result of booze, laughter and
embarrassment combined. I think that both of these are important, but I also think that Ella and Aries
have the best hand movements, so I would choose Ella and Aries working together, as a team. To my
relief they high-fived each other and started cheering as if they had just passed a test. Connie and Shu
Fang looked more determined than disappointed and were keen to move onto the next round. The girls
were all becoming extremely competitive and I had to hand it to Christian. It was like watching a master
puppeteer at work. He shuffled the cards and placed them carefully in the middle of the table.
Shu Fang almost leapt from the table when she picked up the ace. All four girls were now very overexcited and this was clearly getting out of hand.
OK, my choice is number four. For a moment there was silence as we all waited with baited breath,

and then Ella put the four of diamonds down on the table in front of her. Christian leaned over to Shu Fang
and whispered something but she pushed him away, clearly confident that she could handle this game by
herself.
I will take truth stated Ella without raising her eyes from the card in front of her. Shu Fang carefully
placed both hands on the table and lowered her head in an attempt to meet Ella's gaze.
Ella, please tell us your favourite sex position?
She said nothing for a moment and then looked up from the card and directly into Shu Fang's eyes.
With a man or a woman? and we all burst out laughing. This had not been the answer that Shu Fang
was expecting and it had clearly caught her off guard.
Err, a man! No, no wait a minute, a woman. No, I mean both!
Ella kept her cool.
Well, with a man, I very like him on top but with my legs together and his open. She looked around
sheepishly at the rest of us, not exactly sure if we understood what she was talking about but we all
nodded, knowing exactly what she meant. Then there was a long pause until Shu Fang pressed her for the
rest of the answer.
And with a woman? The atmosphere was thick like molasses and we were hanging onto Ella's every
word.
With another woman, she began slowly. I like to be on top, so that I can see her beautiful face and
sexy body. The girls were almost hypnotised. I did not know about Christian but I had suddenly
discovered a fire hydrant in my pocket and was incredibly pleased to see everybody at the table. My mind
was racing but Chris was still very focussed on the topic at hand. Without missing a beat he pushed the
question even further.
And how about you favourite position with a man and a woman together? The whole table promptly
erupted and we were starting to attract curious stares from other parts of the bar.
I think that we should go back to the guest house, so that we can have a little privacy. He looked first
at Ella and Aries. Your place is too quiet and too small. He turned instead to Connie. How about we
go to your place? We can get some drinks from the 7-11 outside, and your guest house is only a couple of
minutes walk from here. He was already standing up before they could offer any resistance.
I'll get the bill here. Darby, you go next door and get a bottle-to-go. Make sure you get cups and mixers
too. And see if they have any ice. He did not wait for objections. He simply gave out instructions as if he
was giving out orders to a group of new recruits, conscripts that had no say in the matter, their duty just to
do as they were told. It was impressive to watch him in action.
Connie, pick up the cards please, while I go get a waitress. He was polite but assertive, actively
taking on the role of leader, and simply assuming that there would not be any objections. Thinking back to
all the Chinese guys that I knew, these girls probably relished having a man take control for once, rather
than incessantly trying to anticipate their needs and keep them impressed.

Following more of Christian's careful instructions, we all drunkenly waved our keys at the bemused
security guard, who let us, one by one, walk right on by. He did even notice that except for Connie and
Shu Fang, we all had different key tags. It was after all, a guest house for foreign backpackers, and we
clearly not Thai burglars, so he simply fell back into his chair while we all proceeded up to the third
floor. The girls were sharing a room and while it was hardly the serviced apartment that we had enjoyed
the night before down in Thonglor, it was not a Hong Kong broom cupboard either. Along with two big
beds, a cupboard and an air conditioner, there was plenty of room for us all the sit on the floor, once we
had removed our shoes and socks.
I tried taking a page from Christian's play book and addressed Ella and Aries.
OK girls, vodka and orange with ice, for six, please.

They immediately complied and got busy mixing drinks in plastic cups on the desk in the corner.
Once everybody was sat and served, I asked,
OK, so who has the cards then? Connie began sorting out the set of six cards required and I took a
moment to consider how this whole scenario would be all but impossible back in Shenzhen or Suzhou or
Shanghai. Not only would there be the endless hassle of ID cards and passports, but just the casual
acceptance of what was fast becoming into an orgy, would have been all but unthinkable for a group of
girls on their home turf. This was quickly turning into a young pioneers porno party and yet nobody was
objecting in the least. She simply shuffled the cards and placed them in the middle of the floor as if it was
the most everyday act in the world.
The first couple of truths were hilarious and revealing at the same time. Chris seemed to have aces up
both his sleeves and kept finding himself in the role of questioner. To Aries he asked, Have you ever hurt
yourself during sex? And then to Connie When was the last time you watched a yellow movie? I made a
mental note of both questions as they were both insightful and penetrating. Connie picked up the ace at last
and called out my number three so I decided to change the pace and go for a dare.
I want you to kiss one of these girls and make it last for a whole minute.
Christian immediately butted in.
Sorry sweetheart, but if another person is involved then you need to draw cards again. He collected
in the six cards and dealt them out on the floor.
Don't look yet, this has to be fair, OK? He looked over at Connie. OK sweetheart you need to choose
another number to see he has to kiss. She quickly chose number six and her face quickly dropped when
she picked up her card and showed us that she had selected herself.
Damn, and I wanted Chris to get the six! I joked as Connie began fidgeting, not knowing what to do
with her hands. She carefully stood up and stepped over the drinks so that she could sit down beside me.
I turned to Ella, behind me and asked her if she wanted to change places with me.
I am sure that Connie won't mind it if you want to be on top, just how you like it.
With her open right hand, she waved me to continue.
Maybe later, but now it is your turn.
I pulled Connie up close.
So Connie, tell me is this French kiss or Australian kiss? I could see the look of sudden confusion in
here eyes.
Australian Kiss? What is Australian Kiss?
Just like a French kiss but 'down under!' She gave a little squeal and the others collapsed into fits of
laughter.
I looked around at the girls.
So who is timing this?
Aries held up her watch and gave a quick, Yi, er, san dropping her hand like a formula-one racing
official. I have to say I was a bit taken aback at the force with which Connie launched herself upon me,
and I was struggling to stay upright. She tasted like ripe, fermenting fruit and had both eyes closed,
possibly so that she could divert all her energy and control to her pulsating lips and a wildly thrashing
tongue. Actually, I was just starting to get into it when Aries called out,
Stop!
What, that was never a minute, I objected I demand we do it again, but with a different, better timekeeper.
After the minute-marathon kissing, things started moving much faster than before. There were a couple
of interesting truths Ella asked Shu Fang if she had ever had anything up the Gary, of a sexual nature of
course, which she denied wholeheartedly, and I asked Chris which person he would choose as his slave
for an evening. Connie looked like she was going to leave a damp patch on the floor where she was

squirming as he described in great detail how he would make her lick his nipples and suck his toes.
We had a slight respite, and I had my chance to get my own back on Connie. I told Ella that she was the
captain on the first manned space-mission to Mars and that she had to very carefully land the ship on the
face of the planet. The twist was that the controls in this case were Connie's ample boobs. At first it was
comical, but when Ella complained that she was losing control, Connie suddenly pulled off her bra and
shirt and offered a pair of hugely engorged nipples for extra fine control. Chris and I gave a running
commentary, describing all kinds of obstacles including strong winds and falling rocks. Once the landing
sequence was complete, Christian gave one nipple a good hard tweak, saying,
OK, we need to get the engine started again and fly this beauty back to Earth.
When Connie simply covered herself with her shirt rather than pulling it over her head, I knew that we
did not have far to go. We were all way too far gone for there to be any serious push back now. I simply
took Ella and Aries by the hand and led them a few feet over to the bed where all three of us sat down.
OK Ella, you took Connie to Mars, now we are going to take Aries to the moon. and I gently pulled
her top up over he shoulders. For the next frenzied hour or so, I was kept busy helping Ella try out a range
of threesome positions, so that she could decide upon a favourite. I was almost completely unaware of
Christian and the other two girls on floor on the other side of the bed. There was plenty of grunting and
groaning but I honestly had too much on my own plate to be rubbernecking across to see what they were
up too.

Just a few hours later and the first bright rays of sunlight were ignoring the cheap, thin guest house
curtains, and shooting their way under my ridiculously heavy eyelids. Over to the left, I heard the
bathroom door close, followed by what sounded like a large Bedouin dromedary taking a piss down a
deep desert borehole. The toilet flushed and Chris emerged from the bathroom. Having only just woken
up, it took me a minute or so to realise where I was, more confused than usual due to the fact that it is not
everyday that I wake up with a beautiful girl snuggled up either side of me. Seeing that I was awake, he
flung my shorts up onto the bed and motioned me to get up.
We need to make a move. Wake your girls gently and we'll send them home. I'll explain the situation to
my two while you get yourself organised. I did my best to be as delicate as I could, knowing that both
girls would probably be even more shocked to find themselves in this position than I was. Fortunately
they were both much calmer and relaxed than I could have anticipated.
I am very sorry ladies, but it is time to go home. as they both yawned and rubbed their tired eyes.
Do you want to go use the bathroom and then we can get dressed and go find some breakfast.

Chapter 7

I AM TIRED of meeting girls that are only here for a day or two and then they run off back to China.
I know how you feel, I said agreeing with him. I am too old for all these one night stands. I was hoping
that we could slow things down and focus a bit more on romance than just hot, sweaty sex. Don't get me
wrong, I am having a great time but it's really hard work meeting such lovely girls and then having them
disappear the following morning. We had been collecting contact information religiously and already had
a good selection of promised rendezvous all over China lined up for our next trip to the Mainland, but all
this mad passion was playing havoc with my heartstrings, to say nothing of my sleep cycle.
OK, so we need to change tactics and look for some new arrivals rather than girls that are already on
their way out. I too could do with a break from Bangkok and I know a lovely secluded beach resort where
we can do the holiday romance thing in real style.
That sounds fantastic, what do you have in mind. I was all ears now.
I suggest that we head up to the airport and try to catch a couple of corkers before they have chance to
properly get their bearings.

Christian explained the airport was pronounced Sue Wanna Boom, even though it looked a lot more
complicated when it was written Suvarnabhumi. The new sky-train connecting link had only been open for
a year or so and was still very flash, Norman Foster-looking. It was very different to the London Tube
which was much more Sherlock Holmes, or the grungy New York subway which always made me want to
start chanting, Warriors, come out to play! The Bangkok airport link was still spotless and far more
spacious than its dated Western counterparts. In addition, the other passengers were all perfectly behaved
and ultra-polite. It was nothing like the frenetic free-for-all of Chinese subway crushes, with their hordes
of uneducated troglodytes displaying all the restraint of a Springboks training camp. This was far more
civilised, like the Hong Kong underground system where the locals wait for passengers to alight, and all
know exactly on which side of the elevator to stand.
So this is going to just like the MTR on the weekend but instead of going up to Chatuchak, we are
looking for brand new arrivals, He laughed and added, Preferably those that have just spent the last
three hours in the comfort of first class. Tu haos like that usually had limos waiting to whizz them downtown but there was no harm in setting our sights high.
Jumping aboard at Phaya Thai, we took an express train up to the basement directly below arrivals.
There is no point in wasting our tickets by going up into the airport area. What are we going to do?
Stand next to all the limousine chauffeurs with a big sign in Chinese that says Beautiful ladies looking for
adventure?' Nah, we just need to cross the platform and let them come to us.
He continued by explaining the three different routes. First of all there was the commuter train that
stopped at all the stations between the airport and down town. Second was the one-stop that called in at
Makkansan. This was mostly for locals that wanted to get off on the Phetchburi Road and head out into the
suburbs. Finally, there was the express train, which whizzed non-stop back to Phaya Thai. This would be
the one that all the tourists would be catching to get to their hotels and so this would be the one for us. The
main problem was that unlike the subway up to Chatuchak which ran every few minutes or so, the airport
link had a forty minute waiting time in between trains.
OK, so you know how to spot Mainlanders, but do you know how to differentiate between rich girls
and wage slaves? I had to admit that I was pretty ignorant in this rather specialist field of study, so I
listened carefully as we trolled up and down the platform and he gave me a running commentary on
luggage styles.
All of the millionairesses will have BMWs waiting for them to cry in up on the concourse but there

are bound to be a few exceptions that will come down here to smile on the subway. He was of course
referring to the now infamous Ma Nuo who had gained national notoriety on a Zhejiang TV dating show.
The mercenary little bitch had incurred the wrath of the entire country when stating that she would rather
be 'crying in a BMW than laughing on a bicycle', identifying herself as the very worst of a new generation
of Chinese gold-diggers. Those were just the kind of nasty little slappers that we wanted to avoid. Tarts
like that would probably arrive in one of the many private planes that filled Don Mueang airport, like no
other airport that I have ever seen.
Now we will put your fake-spotting skills to the test. Can you tell the difference between a real
Samsonite and a third-shift copy? I really wasn't sure but I was willing to learn.
It is a lot more difficult to tell the fakes apart these days as they are getting ever closer to the real
thing. Now, you see this gweillo over here on the left? His Samsonite is definitely genuine. It is an older
model and it has those extra large wheels that they do not make any more. This alone gives it away as a
400 quid suitcase and not a forty quid knock-off. The fakes always have the smaller wheels and it only
takes about a month of two of hard use before they start dropping off.
See this girl over here with the LV handbag and the bright yellow suitcase? You notice how they are
both brand new. I am willing to bet that she picked up both the bag and the case in some mouse market in
Chongqing or Mianyang, especially for this trip. Girls that are a bit more selective will often buy genuine
LV in Hong Kong or other overseas locations, so it is more likely to see that kind of stuff on the way back
than on the way out.
iPads used to be a good indicator a year or so ago as they were still quite hard to come by on the
Mainland. These days I am not so sure. Anyway, are we really interested in girls whose highlight of the
day is playing on-line mah-jong or Hay Day?
How about this girl with the Harrods' bag? I ventured tentatively.
Well spotted Batman, but unfortunately those green bags are all over Nanjing Lu this year. If it was a
Selfridges bag or maybe a Fortnum and Mason's then that would be a different matter all together, but
those girls are probably already zipping down to the Oriental in a hotel limo anyway.
Although interpreting the finer details was much more difficult than I had anticipated, the Chinese
certainly stood out a mile from the Thais and here it could be seen more clearly than ever.
The only sure-fire way to find out where these girls come from is to ask them. There are a couple
coming down to the escalator that I would give a fifty-yard head start. We'll walk down the far end of the
platform and intercept them on the way back.
As we came back up Chris launched into his fave 'a man walks into a bar' gag, in a slightly louder
voice than usual.
So he sees a sign hanging over the bar which reads:
Cheese Sandwich: 1.50
Chicken Sandwich: 2.50
Hand Job: 10.00
So he gets out his wallet and walks up to the bar. The barmaid is this gorgeous blonde with huge boobs
and a real sexy smile.
"Can I help you honey?" she asks with a knowing glint.
"I was wondering", whispers the man, "are you the one who gives the hand jobs?"
"That's right baby." She purrs, "I sure am."
"Well go wash your fucking hands. I want a cheese sandwich!"

He timed it just right so that as we queued up behind the girls, I was about keeled over in stitches. They
both looked around to see what all the commotion was about.
Sorry ladies, he began My friend likes dirty jokes too much.

They both smiled and he began to reel them in.

So you just arrived in Bangkok? They both nodded, not giving very much away.
First time in Thailand? They nodded again giving away even less and making Chris do all the work.
We just send our friend to Hong Kong.
At last, they spoke.
We from China too.
Oh really, our friend is going to Hong Kong and then on to Shanghai.
Slowly the two girls started opening up. Turns out that they had just flown in from Kunming. As we all
boarded the train, I could not initially be sure if they were both Han or not, but it turned out that Xiao
Xiong was actually from Beijing. Her friend Lousie was originally from a small port town in Guangxi
called Fanchenggang, but was working near Kunming. I like minority girls much more than regular Han
Chinese and was chuffed to bits to learn that Louise was actually Zhuang. They were both wearing typical
Yunnan vacation outfits, Goa style sarong pants in bright tie-dye designs. Little Bear (the translation of
Xiao Xiong) had an orange crop-top and a matching scrunched up scarf. Louise was wearing a Twiggy
skirt with a brown baggy shirt over the top of it.
So are you staying long? I asked innocently to which Louise replied
Just a few days?
And are you staying somewhere nice?
We hope. Do you know Amari? Chris explained that there were about half a dozen Bangkok hotels in
the Amari chain, but they happily produced a hand written name and address on a piece of paper. He was
pleased to inform them that it was definitely one of the more up-scale accommodations in the city. We
made the usual small talk about places they were planning to visit and sights they were going to see for the
rest of the short run down town, and then set up a meeting for later in the afternoon.
We know a very interesting night market near your hotel. Perhaps we can show you later. Do you like
animals?
The last question seemed strangely disconnected and the two girls were clearly confused.
I like dogs. said Louise I have a dog at home and his name is Dan Dan. Only a Chinese person
would call their dog something like 'Thickie Thickie.' Still, it could have been worse. It could have been
her boyfriends pet name.
How about cats?
I like cats said Xiao Xiong eagerly, not wanting to be left out.
OK, there is a cat cafe near your hotel that we want to go have a look at, so we will pick you up at
your hotel at 4 o'clock. That will give you chance to check in and relax for a while.
It was as easy as that. We helped the girls get a cab downstairs and then got straight on the next train
back to the airport.
I think that she really likes you.
Who?
Who do you think? Louise. Xiao Xiong is not bad either. Beijing girl too, so might possibly have some
interesting family connections. We'll find out soon enough.
We loitered at the bottom end of the escalator surreptitiously inspecting all the passers by, waiting
patiently for something suitable.
I turned to Christian
So Quasimodo is in the kitchen when his mother walks in, carrying a wok. The hunchback looks up
and says,
Great idea Mom, I love Chinese food.
His mother says, Dont be stupid boy, Im using this to iron your shirts!
We were both falling about like a pair of hyenas, when a couple of teenagers in long black skirts

beamed back big smiles at us, but I could see that Christian was not impressed.
Come on! Stop being so bloody Gary. They are too short and too young. Everybody will think that we
have adopted them direct from an orphanage in Anhui.
He was right. They were both a lot less than 150cm and they had that long black hairstyle with the
super-fashionable centre parting. One had white shorts while the other was wearing a long black skirt and
they could have both flown straight in from Zhuang Yuan Fang.
Luckily we did not have to wait very long. At the top of the moving walkway appeared two of the
loudest outfits that we had seen all day. The first had her hair pulled back tight in a pony-tail and was
wearing huge seventies-style shades. Her bright pink sweatshirt clashed horribly with her rhododendronpattern yoga pants. Her friend that followed behind, had a boyish bob and the same fish-bowl sunglasses
but wore an outlandish dress of red, orange, pink and purple hoops over a pair of flowery leggings. Both
of them had finished their ensembles with a pair of furry uggs. It was 40 degrees in the shade and these
girls were wearing fur-lined boots. There was no question, they had to be Chinese.
Ni hao. Chris offered as they wheeled their bright red suitcases out on to the concrete.
Ni hao. they replied sheepishly.
You girls are Chinese, yes?
Yes, how do you know?
I can tell from the beautiful colours of your clothes.
I spluttered with laughter but caught myself before I could give the game away. How Christian managed
to keep such a straight face, I have no idea but I pulled myself together and followed his lead.
We helped them board the train, providing a little gentlemanly assistance in showing them where to
stow their luggage and then sat them down on two of the four seats that were directly facing each other. I
was guessing that they were from Changsha, or Hefei or some other hinterland furnace but they turned out
to be from Guilin, which Christian and I both knew well, for our sins. What was more intriguing was what
they actually did in Guilin, as they seemed rather unwilling to give us any details, and we soon thinking
the worst. Guilin is an enormously popular hot spot for domestic tourists, with more entertainment for
visiting males than Bangkok, Pattaya and Phuket put together. I was not sure, but a couple of flirty girls
like this could have been KTV hostesses or maybe massage girls or perhaps just general party girls.
Whatever the case, it was going to be fun finding out.
We quizzed them about their accommodation and it turned out they were heading down to Khaosan
which actually surprised us. We both thought that they would be heading for some Chinatown tour-group
type enclave. The other intriguing thing was the fact that these girls could speak half-decent English. If
they were some kind of working girls, it was doubtful that they would have spoken a word, let alone been
able to carry on a lengthy conversation as they were doing with us. My interest was piqued, and I was
determined to find out what kind of background these two girls really came from.
We could have got a bus or a boat or changed three times on the subway in order to get back to Khaosan
but it was easier to just jump in a cab for once. This is one area where Bangkok needlessly shoots itself in
the foot. Some more decent public transport would go a long way to relieving the congestion and making
the place a whole lot easier to explore.
We showed the girls a couple of guest houses and for some reason they did not like the place with the
ladies-only floor. Instead they preferred a smaller place with an interior courtyard filled with greenery
and Buddhist statuary. We let them check in and freshen up while we hung about in the lobby and then all
four of us went across the road, to a tiny vegetarian place to grab some late lunch. It was an inconspicuous
little hole-in-the-wall, but the food was outstanding. Chris ordered a banana flower salad as a starter, and
then we really got stuck in with some amazing tofu, eggplant and avocado sushi rolls. I was completely
blown away by the vegan fish that had been deep fried in seaweed, to give it that extra crispy skin texture.
By now the girls had lost the ugg outfits and instead were sporting cami tops, khaki shorts and fruity flip-

flops. Ping Ping, who looked to be the slightly older of the two was wearing a pair of plastic watermelon
slices on her feet, while Ting Ting was modelling a bright green pair with big bunches of grapes draped
over the toes. It quickly transpired that the two girls both had shops back in Guilin where they sold
fashion items to tourists, and that this was going to be part buying trip and part vacation. It was in fact
their second trip to Bangkok and they had also been on recent buying trips to Kathmandu, Mumbai and
Lahore. I started to feel quite ashamed that we had initially pigeon-holed them both as karaoke hookers,
but quickly blamed the mistake on the fact that Guilin is such a squalid little city, rather than anything else.
From what we could gather, the last time that they had been here they had stayed around the corner in a
location that sounded suspiciously like Bloody Marys.
They had already seen the Sleeping Buddha, the Emerald Buddha and the Crocodile Farm, so Christian
offered to show all of us a secret spot just around the corner that he guaranteed none of us would have
ever seen before. I personally was just relieved that neither of them had eaten with both feet in the trough
as so many Chinese girls tend to, but we were even more impressed when Ping offered to get the bill.
Just back down the road towards Khaosan, over the khlong, and on the other side of the traffic lights
was a derelict shopping centre dating back to the Asian financial crisis. Chris gave us some background
as we crossed the road but I could see that the girls were both looking rather suspiciously at the graffiti on
the metal shutters and the boarded-up windows.
This is one of the most amazing places that I know in all of Bangkok. he told us in all sincerity,
although I for one was intrigued to find out how some run-down shopping centre could be of any interest
to tourists whatsoever. He led us past the main entrance and into a small back alley that went behind the
bank building next door.
As we reached what looked like a wire-fence gate that led into a building site, he turned to Ting Ting
and said.
Have you got twenty baht? He placed the note provided into a small hanging basket and took what
looked like two bags of organic muesli. OK, now take my hand as it is a bit dangerous in here if you do
not know where you are going. Ping, grab onto to Darby and whatever you do, don't let go.
The four of us ventured inside the dark concrete skeleton of a building, where rusting escalators led up
to nowhere and big chunks of rebar stuck out of the walls, threatening to take out an unwary eye or three.
We stepped through a doorway and out onto a ledge where the floor just dropped away completely. In
front of us the whole of the open basement was completely flooded, like a film set from The Posiedon
Adventure. Chris passed me one of the plastic bags and opened up the other for Ting Ting.
Now watch this. He took a small handful of flakes and scattered them into the water. Suddenly there
was such a frenzy that the whole thing looked as though it was coming to the boil. Hundreds, maybe even
thousands of tropical fish of all colours, shapes and sizes had suddenly swum up to the surface to feed. I
was astonished to see so many beautiful fish in such a strange location and the bewildered looks of the
girls faces told me that they too were more than a little astonished at this strange place.
The developers never got around to putting on a roof and so this place soon flooded, once it was
abandoned. Some of the locals started putting goldfish and baby kois in here to eat the mosquito lava, and
the population has grown ever since.
Even though the girls were impressed, we could see that they were tired after their long trip. We led
them back to their guest house to get some much needed rest, and promised to come back for them later.

Let's jump on a boat down to Silom and I will show you another one of my favourite animal places.
Christian was full of surprises today and I have to admit that I was keen to get back and see the newly
arrived Zhuang Princess. A couple of Guilin girls with their own shops was definitely a good catch but
there was something special about Louise that I could not put my finger on and I was itching to get back
and find out exactly what this strange attraction might be.

We were late arriving at the Amari by about half an hour, partly because we had stopped off on the way
to pick up some fruit, and partly because this was Bangkok and getting around always takes twice as long
as expected. Christian had picked out four super-ripe mangoes to go along with a kilo of sapadillas and a
half kilo of spiky snakefruit. I have to admit that I really do not like these last mutant freaks. I am a huge
fan of durian; in fact I would contend that the amazingly powerful aroma is sent straight from Nirvana,
even though many people liken it to rotting flesh. I am also quite happy with jackfruit, especially when it
is dried into crunchy sun-dried chips. Snakefruit on the other hand or salaa as the Thai call them, are the
complete opposite. They taste and smell both bitter and acid, and if anything they remind me of the yakbutter tea that is drunk by tribal nomads up in the Tibetan borderlands. Their foul brew is like drinking
liquefied, manky Stilton, and snakefruit is not much better. Still, it was doubtful that the girls would have
seen them before so Chris picked up a small bagful, just to remind them they were on their holidays and
that the taste of forbidden fruit was something that should be positively encouraged. Sly dog!
The pair were sprawled out on a rather minimalist lobby sofa, looking like a couple of San Fernando
starlets during elevenses. At least that was how I saw them, as ripe as the fruit that we were carrying and
giving off a far more exciting mix of exotic pheromones. They immediately perked up when they spotted
us and quickly went from bored slouches to anticipatory edge-of-their-seat starting blocks. Chris spread
his arms out wide and went into the whole continental two-peck routine, something that I personally found
fake and pompous. Still, if I could put up with salaa, then a bit of hugging and cheek-kissing was not going
to draw any complaints. They had changed from their rave outfits into shorts and crop-tops, looking as
they were competing in some kind of impromptu and unannounced sexiest midriff regional-finals.
Lets go up and sit by the pool, and cool down with a couple of cocktails. suggested Chris. It was
more of a statement than a suggestion, and anyone overhearing would have thought it was he that was
staying at the hotel and these two playful-looking nymphs were his early evening take-out order.
We bought you a little surprise to give you a taste of authentic Thailand. and took each girl by the
hand, leading them away to the elevators.
Seated under an enormous parasol, we sank into four stylishly designed pandanus wicker chairs and
plonked the three bags of fruit on the matching table. A stiffly collared waiter walked over to join us, not
even breaking a bead, even though it must have been forty or more degrees poolside. We were all taking
advantage of the shade of the vaguely pyramid-shaped hotel building, as well as the huge square umbrella
above our table. At the far end of the pool a full length waterfall took away the traffic noise of the main
Sukhumvit drag, which was just three floors below. A low wall was lined with travellers' palms and
ornately coiffured topiary pachyderms, all delicately snipped to resemble baby Dumbos in a range of
playful poses.
Something to drink, sir? Asked the waiter in immaculately refined Received Pronunciation, which
could have been polished at Broadcasting House, just as easily as the Dusit Hospitality College. The
Amari is only a four star, as far as I know, but I felt as though we could have been sat in the Strand in
Yangon or the Raffles in Malaya, having just disembarked from a P series cutter out of Bombay.
Four glasses of Pimms, with some extra ice and a plate and knife so that we can cut up these mangoes
please. Chris turned to Louise Show him your key please sweetheart, there's a good girl. and she
immediately demurred. The waiter repeated our order and added,
Let me take those into the kitchen for you sir, motioning to the fruit, And I will bring have them back
prepared with your drinks.
Khop khun mak krap. nodded Chris and the waiter disappeared inside, leaving the four of us to soak
in the relaxing ambience of the rooftop pool.
So did you sleep a little, or were you too excited, knowing that we were coming to meet you. I am
sure it would have sounded arrogant and pompous if I had said it, but Christian was so self assured that
the girls just giggled, and exchanged girlish glances. We could have had the drinks sent straight up to their

room and adjourned for a few hours of late afternoon hi-jinx but Chris played it cool and started making
polite conversation to ease the rapidly building sexual tension.
My folks used to stay here at the Amari on their annual vacation, before they decided to retire out here.
I used to stay down the road at the Majestic, and I would meet them up here on the terrace in the
afternoon. I always used to bring some new and exotic fruit for us all to try, and the kitchen staff would
prepare it beautifully. This is one reason why I love Thailand so much. The Thais have such high
standards of service but are super friendly at the same time, without making you feel like stuck-up aristo.
He had lost the girls, but I knew exactly what he was talking about.
So have you been for a swim yet? he asked Lousie, who shook her head and smiled.
Chris here really likes you but he said that you are white like a ghost and he is looking forward to
seeing your sexy bod go nice and dark in the next few days. So you should definitely spend plenty of time
in the pool. She blushed deep scarlet and I felt my own cheeks redden at his cheeky remarks. Xiao Xiong
immediately started giggling at her friends embarrassment.
I don't know what you are laughing at. You too have legs like milk bottles. Just wait a few days and
you will have lovely tanned legs like Darby and I. He stood up out of his chair and raised one foot up
onto the empty seat.
Just feel these calves. he said, reaching out for Xiao Xiong's hands and guiding them from the back of
his knee down to the top of his ankle. I could have been a professional cyclist you know. I didn't doubt
it in the least, but what I could not believe is how he got away with such outrageously blatant selfpromotion. This guy must have had a PhD in charm and confidence from Fonzarelli State University. Even
Louise was stretching across the table to have a quick stroke when the waiter re-appeared with our
drinks, cutting short the mutual admiration session and returning everybody to their seats.
Have you ladies had Pimms before? I asked. It was purely a rhetorical question. In Chinese
nightclubs they mix Chivas with green tea and Beaujolais with Red Bull, so the chances of them having
sampled this garden party favourite was slightly less than zero Kelvin.
This is what the Queen of England drinks, when she is out relaxing in the garden at Buckingham
Palace. I lied convincingly. Christians super confidence was definitely starting to rub off.
Cheers, I continued, raising my glass above the centre of the table, To mad dogs and Englishmen!

The mangoes came out on a large oval platter, each one sliced into two succulent halves, diagonally
cross-cut and folded out to present mouth watering squares of juicy, golden flesh. The lamout, as
sapadillas are called in Thai, had been peeled, stoned and quartered, presenting dark chocolate strips of
toffee caramel sweetness. The salaa had been snipped at the head and then gently peeled back to look like
desert roses in the first stages of early bloom.
So try these first, I offered holding out the plate of sapadillas. They have a delicate, rich honey-andmalt flavour that will be lost if you try the mangoes or the salaa first. These were my favourites, almost a
cross between toffee pudding and fresh, ripe bananas. A lot of Chinese have grown up without a sweet
tooth for candy or chocolate but nearly everybody appreciates the natural sweetness of Thai tropical fruit.
Most people find it surprising that of all the time that I have spent in the Kingdom that I have still not been
to a full moon party on Koh Samui. I am equally amazed that they have not yet discovered the fruit
orchards of Chanthaburi and the huge bounty of tropical delicacies that line the very far end of the
Sukhumvit Road.
We quickly moved on to the mangoes, and while not as large as the monster fruits of Huaping up in
Yunnan, these were still fine, sweet examples, without a single paraffin note that comes with so many
imported, plantation varieties. Of course, the girls had never seen salaa before, their spiky, dragon-skin
exteriors concealing a pale, yellow flesh that was surprisingly sweet and yet oddly savoury at the same
time. They were soon licking their fingers like hungry refugees.

A holiday in a foreign country is a great opportunity to try all kinds of new experiences. announced
Chris as if he were quoting some ancient Chinese sage, while winking surreptitiously and suggestively at
Xiao Xiong. Just a couple of plates of fruit and she was completely under his spell.

We were too stuffed with exotic fruits to be ready for dinner and so Chris led us instead to a cat cafe,
where we sipped pumpkin lattes and made friends with a harem of ultra-fussy felines. Cat Cafes are a
bizarre fashion fad in Bangkok at the moment, and there are at least five brand-new examples that have
opened recently. The one that we visited was the first and perhaps the best at the time, with all kinds of
aerial walkways and tottering towers to keep the cats entertained. It was such a refreshing change from the
depressingly boring coffee shops in China. Everybody there is surgically attached to their iPhones, taking
endless selfies, texting dreary, inconsequential titbits and generally acting like autistic morons. By
comparison, the Cat Cafe felt like we were deep in the heart of the concrete jungle, with unpredictable
Siamese, Persians and pixie bobs stalking every inch of our ever changing surroundings. At the average
Starbucks, most patrons barely even speak to their companions, let alone anybody else in the
establishment. Here was more like feline speed-dating for prospective pet-lovers. We were constantly
being assessed and analysed by a huge selection of shes and toms that approached us from every
conceivable angle, thanks to the 3D maze of catwalks, overhead balance-beams and wall-mounted
watchtowers.
Louise had a uninhibited young tabby stretched out horizontally across her lap, enjoying a marathon
tummy-tickling session, while Xiao Xiong was flanked either side by a pair of Russian blues that were
eyeing each other suspiciously. I had been adopted by a mangy looking specimen that looked as if it had
only just been rescued from a landfill. Chris commented that I have a tendency for attracting ugly
ducklings. He, of course, was petting a Swan Lake soloist trapped in a Birman body, her long lithe frame
arching up to reach his soft gentle caresses.
Nearly a thousand years ago, back in the twelfth century, the Pope (you girls know the Pope, the
Catholic King....) ordered the murder of about nine million women, all of them traditional healers. He
was making sure that the new scientific medicine, which only men were allowed to practice, mostly
church men in fact, would dominate. The women were all labelled as witches and then tortured and
burned alive. This was partly because they were protesting against the the slave trade, but also because
they were worried about how many people were becoming sick from this strange new substance, white
sugar. They also wanted the forests and fields to remain accessible to the ordinary people. These were
some of the very first environmentalists and tree-huggers, in fact. Most had cats as pets which also helped
out in healing patients. Any pet lover knows an animal provides a powerful soothing and healing function,
simply through their presence. The Church claimed that cats were personal demons and they were
exterminated in huge amounts. This is what allowed the Black Death to rise so quickly, killing more than
100 million people in Europe, wiping out more than half the population. Rats suddenly filled the streets,
spreading the horrific disease through their fleas. Fortunately, we are now starting to understand the value
of animal healing again, with animal communication and animal-assisted therapy becoming popular once
more.
The girls were rapt by his fascinating story. I was impressed by the way he spoke in slow and measured
tones, keeping his language simple enough for even non-native speakers to understand, but colourful
enough to fire their imagination. He would have made a great teacher; in fact I was learning more and
more valuable lessons from him almost every minute of the day.
I leaned over to Louise and asked,
Do you know this Black Death that he is talking about?
Not exactly. she replied honestly Is it a disease that you catch from black people?
Chris and I almost fell about at her innocent Chinese navet. Coming from any body else, it would

have sounded like a scathing, racist jibe, but we both new that China is such an almost entirely
homogeneous country that the only Africans that these two girls had ever seen were likely on imported
American TV.
From the back room came the tinkling of a small bell, which sounded as if it belonged to a Swiss
chiming clock, rather than a metropolitan soi in Bangkok. Suddenly the cats were all making a beeline
exodus for the rear door.
It must be feeding time. I exclaimed. Maybe it is a good time for us to go get something to eat too.
Chris nodded in approval and so we began to make a move. Actually I was quite impressed. We had
been in the cat cafe for at least a couple of hours, and neither one of us had lapsed into cheap pussystroking gags. I am sure that the girls would have thought us a pair of typically dirty ham-saps if we had
spent the afternoon wallowing in innuendo and filthy jokes. Instead we had been enjoying all kinds of high
brow discourse, from the history of the Holy See to the benefits of holistic pet therapy. I know that I had
lost both Chris and the girls when I started spouting on about the gardens at the Apostolic Nunciature
down near the Burmese Embassy but I had made a quick recovery with a hilarious story about tongue
rings. Chris told me later that this was all actually part of his plan. Play it all intellectual in the afternoon
and then the effect of going all Goldenman once the drinks started flowing later in the evening, would
have a much stronger impact. Little did I know that he was saving all his pussy jokes for when the girls
were well and suitably lubricated. Fnarr fnarr!
So I take it that you girls want to have the famous Thai seafood for dinner? They both nodded in rapid
approval and so Chris continued.
OK, as it is your first night we will go to a touristy kind of place, just to let you get used to Thai
cooking styles. It is a bit more expensive than some of the places that the locals go to, but if we go Dutch
it should not be too bad. Have you got some Thai money?
They both nodded and I suspected that he was yet again somehow setting them up. It would be
interesting to see how this played out.
I was quite shocked when our tuk-tuk pulled up outside Chris' selected venue. I know he said that it was
going to be touristy but I was expecting a small fisherman's dwelling or maybe a converted rice barge,
moored on the banks of the Chao Phraya. Instead we stood in a huge neon archway, where a large car park
met a restaurant interior that looked more like Makro or Ikea than a centre of Thai culinary excellence. In
ten-foot high xenon bulbs flashed the name of the establishment: 'If It Swims, We Have It!' Hardly the most
subtle of monikers but direct and to the point at least. When it comes to seafood, wriggling and snapping
is the definitely the best choice. The Chinese are always happiest selecting their seafood dinners straight
out of the water, while they are still alive, fresh and flapping about. Chris motioned Xiao Xiong to grab
one of the supermarket shopping trolleys at the main door. We strolled casually past all the freezer
counters and instead made a beeline for all the aquarium tanks to select our fare for the evening. Rather
than elegant Matre d's and suited master sommeliers, we had a middle aged Thai lady in a white
rubberised apron and matching wellington boots. We pointed out the tastiest looking piscifauna, and she
dutifully scooped them out with huge two-handed, steel and green, nylon landing-net. The catcher was
surprisingly patient with our comical antics. If this had been Panyu or Zhoushan or Chongwu, we would
have got a mouthful of Minnanhua back-chat from some grumpy Chinese guy, who was not the least bit
amused when we insisted on pulling out five different examples before making a final choice. Here in
Thailand though, it was completely different. This girl was even joining in the fun and adding a few
artistic flourishes to the way in which she was fishing out and flinging around our prospective dinners. I
imagined that she might have been a retired professional lacrosse player or maybe a world-recordholding pancake tosser. Whatever the case, she deftly handled the long thin net with such a skill and
dexterity that it was a pleasure to watch.
Along with the three different varieties of crab they had picked out, there were now tiger prawns, squid

and a large freshwater snakehead in the shopping cart. Then they spotted the razor clams all wriggling
around like medusa's hairpiece and they had to have those too. They were just starting to pick out a dozen
of the choicest oysters when Chris interrupted their frenzy.
You do realise that there are only four of us? Unless you are expecting the entire province of Sichuan
to arrive and join us in the next ten minutes, then I think that is probably enough.
Don't worry. Louise reassured him We will get this. We are on holiday and we want to enjoy
ourselves. He smiled and turned to me, whispering, These girls are going to be far too stuffed for any
late night frolics tonight. before turning back to Lousie,
OK sweetheart, this is your vacation, you choose whatever you like.
They continued to load up the trolley, adding in a dish of the biggest dog whelks that I have ever seen, a
tray of minuscule winkles and a round of large Changs. The girls pushed their aquatic bounty over to the
check outs, while the counter staff waved us off with an enthusiastic round of applause. Xiao Xiong
pulled out a surprisingly large wad of browns and purples and took care of the not inconsiderable
damage, fending off any attempts to share the expense. It was not long before our wispy plastic tablecover began filling up with steaming platters of delicious marine life. They had specified the cooking
style of each individual dish, sometimes taking the advice of the staff but on other occasions insisting on
methods that were certainly not to our bland English tastes. For example, one crab came with red curry,
the second with a yellow Malaysian style Mussman sauce and the third steamed with side dishes of sugar
and vinegar. This was a style that the girls claimed to have enjoyed at Yangcheng Lake, but one that none
of the staff hear had ever heard of before. One fish arrived deep fried and another showed up much later
on, salted and baked. I was simply amazed at the quantities that these two skinny Chinese girls were
putting away. I almost fell off my chair when they ordered four bowls of steamed rice, in addition to the
huge plate of seafood special fried rice that they were already making short work of. If some folks have
worms, then I reckon these girls had alligators.
Two hours later and the table looked like a tsunami impact zone. Plates full of debris and detritus were
piled up high all over the place. The girls had moved from Chang to Singha and we suspected that with
that amount of beer, they would be farting like a team of Budweiser Clydesdales all night long. I have to
admit that I was pretty much exhausted just watching them put such vast quantities away, and so we agreed
to call it a night and meet them by the pool tomorrow for another tropical fruit tasting session. We were
tempted to go back and look for Ping and Ting but I had eaten so much that I felt that I was going to have
twins. So much for being a concerned environmentalist. When you go out to eat with Chinese, green
sensibilities just go out of the window and all bets are off. We simply staggered back to the hotel and
slept off all that gourmet excess.

Chapter 8

THE NEXT morning at breakfast, I showed Chris a book that I had picked up on the way, from one of the
second-hand book stores on Khaosan Road.
I read this book a while back that I think that you might enjoy it too. Have you seen it? I handed him a
paperback copy of The Game.
Thanks but no thanks, I've already read it and he is a great story teller but his values are all wrong.
What do you mean?
OK, so you know he wrote a bio for Motley Crue before he did this? Him and the Mystery man treat
girls like groupies. All this acting alpha bullshit, I wouldn't be caught dead doing that stuff.
You sure could have fooled me. There were times when I thought that you had practically invented the
concept, and I was going to ask you if you were in the book.
Look, I think it is great that there is this kind of detailed analysis going into relationships and all the
mechanics and technical stuff, but these guys are stuck in rut. Style boy Strauss is about as real world as
Issei and his duck darlings. I take it that you have seen the Great Happiness Space? You want to read
something really useful on the subject, go look at the Chalice and the Blade and see if alters your general
opinion of women. Even better check out some of Gardners' Wicca stuff and you can invite me to a ritual.
He continued without stopping even for breath.
Anyway, what works for Westerners in the good ol' US of A is not necessarily going to work on these
girls. They have entirely different cultural backgrounds. Think about it. This ain't Sunset Strip. Those two
posers would be lost here. Hell, they can't even speak Chinese, dui bu bui? Look, take it from me, your
game is fine, but your local knowledge of Bangkok sucks. I thought that you had been here before? What
did you do, lock yourself in your room and smoke stick for a fortnight? Go download some Tony Bourdain
or Andrew Zimmern and get up to speed on Krung Thep. Game is one thing, being a specialised expert is
something far more powerful and that is where you should be aiming. He considered me very carefully
and continued.
Also you need to work on your general facetiousness. Look at it this way. The English are world
renowned for their cutting sarcasm. The only difference between sarcasm and flirtation is that sarcasm is
pretending to be nice while saying something mean. Flirtation is saying something mean but in way that is
actually quite complimentary. The very best flirts and teases are also masters of irony and razor-sharp
put-downs. If you can master one, then the other comes quite easily.
Remember that things are done very differently here. Do you recall how different things were in China
when we were some of the first foreigners to live outside of the big cities? I am sure that you have lived
in towns in Guangxi or Yunnan where you might as well have been the only gweillo for maybe a thousand
miles. I am also sure that you can remember how that affected your confidence and your standards. It is
very different now in places like Shanghai where you have got all the Dubai drop-outs crowding in,
thinking that are gods gift to an emerging economy. Beijing is pretty much the same, but there are still a
few spots out in the countryside that are hungry and definitely on the up. A foreigner in a place like that
gets all the attention that they can handle. Even the most boring, plain-Jane wall-flower gets to understand
what it is like to be a supermodel in that kind of environment. Guys and girls that teach in those places are
bombarded with offers from locals that have never even seen a white pony before, let alone had the
chance to saddle up. Unfortunately, those places are becoming more and more difficult to find these days
in the PRC.
This is why I love Bangkok so much. Admittedly it is ninety-nine per cent slum, has a deeply
dysfunctional system of government and a climate that is pretty much unbearable for nine months of the
year, but let's look on the bright side. In terms of competition for guys like us, there is almost zero. While

it is true that huge numbers of guys come here looking for girls, just look at all the Arabs and the
Malaysians and the Japanese mongers that all have their own dedicated red-light zones. Even down here
in Khaosan, most of the guys are looking to hook up with fit Scandis or hot Latinas. The reality is that
most of them have to make do with big East German swimmer types, boring yanks or worst of all, English
laddettes out on the pull.
This all means that there is almost nobody else here that is ready and in place to be meeting the needs
of the Mainland Chinese influx. The fact is that the vast majority are girls, as all the Chinese guys are
dead 'zhai' and are all back at home in Wuhan or Wuxi playing Counterstrike and downloading lesbian
porn. If you look at it that way, we are providing a valuable service. The tourist authority really should
appreciate the efforts that we make, as I guarantee that the girls we meet will remember a lot more about
their adventures in Thailand than rip off taxi drivers and spicy food.
I had one mate back in the UK that was a complete spaz when it came to girls. I persuaded him come
visit me in Guangzhou back in the early nineties so that I could show him all the opportunities first hand.
We hooked him up a couple of times but he was always hyper-critical of the way that I boss girls around
calling it manipulative and sneaky. He could never see that he was being such a hypocrite. I mean, him
going out and buying a big bunch of flowers, cleaning his car, filling it up with gas and then taking some
girl out for drinks and dinner would cost him a packet. Of course, he was never spending this money so
that he could assess their table manners and judge their standards of interpersonal etiquette; he was just
simply throwing around cash hoping that it would get him into their knickers. How much more
manipulative can you be? Eventually he said that he was going to come out to Thailand to become a monk,
but he ended up marrying some bar girl and having a kid, throwing away all the money that he actually
owed me. Tosser!
Do not forget that we are providing a valuable public service here. None of these girls have come out
here with the intention of being bored and lonely for the entire two weeks of their vacation. They are
cheesed off with guys back home and their misogynistic ways. And who can blame them? All those
xenophobic, chain smoking Neanderthals with their gross 'Fu Man Chu' pinky nails and their incessant
hawking and spitting. I'd be looking elsewhere too if that was the only selection. Despite all the media
propaganda, our Mandarin language skills are not particularly valued back in the UK, but over here our
understanding of Chinese culture and language are the perfect combination. Who else has the skills to take
care of these girls? Have you seen many Mandarin speaking tour guides since you got here? We get to
party with a bunch of great looking, stylish girls, they get to have a holiday adventure, and we all go home
with happy memories of our time in Thailand. It is a win-win situation for everybody. Let's be honest, the
Tourist Authority here couldn't organise a pregnancy in a brothel. The tourists come in spite of those
incompetent bunglers, not because of them. More than seventy percent of tourist revenue goes straight out
the country. The lion's share of what is left goes to all the Bangkok Thai Chinese who dominate the local
economy. We are providing an essential service here that government bureaucrats simply did not have the
foresight to see coming. Now it is up to us to be selective. If I take a Chinese girl out to eat for example, it
is so that I can see whether she knows how to use a knife and fork and whether she talks with her mouth
full. I am not interested in spending my money just to treat her to a free feed, on the off chance that she
might somehow feel obliged to sleep with me. If she even gets to the stage of eating with us, then as far as
I am concerned she is still on probation. In terms of supply and demand, we are the scarce commodity
here and they have to work on impressing us. If she farts during dinner or starts wiping her face on the
table cloth then she is simply eighty-sixed until she signs up for a couple of terms at charm school back in
Wuhan.
Just bear in mind that if any of these girls wanted to find a tour guide that is even half as
knowledgeable as we are, then it is going to cost them a minimum of a hundred dollars a day. If they think
that they can get a romp under the sheets thrown in for that price then they would need to pay ten times as

much, just like all the Hi-So Thai wives do down at Emporium. Make no mistake, these girls are getting
the bargain of the century here. After all, all that I ask is that they have a good sense of humour and are
open to a little adventure. It is not like we are doing some disrespectful 'China Bounder bullshit and
simply sleeping with as many girls as possible just for the hell of it. I am not some 'Bronze Moustache'
sex fiend that is luring away married women and breaking up marriages. All these girls are over eighteen
and single. If they can prove that they are interesting and fun to be with, then I might let them hang out with
us, but nobody is forcing them to do anything against their will.
Finally he paused for breath and started eating the three chunky slices of French toast that he had
liberally doused with honey. A glass full of pineapple juice later and he launched back into another
lengthy diatribe. I was beginning to suspect that all the Omega acids from the night before were acting as
some kind of strange cerebral stimulant. I had never seen him pontificate at such length before. Maybe it
was just another of his many sides that I had yet to encounter.
Females in China are still second class citizens in their own country and this can have a definite effect
on their personal development. One aspect of their personality that you will soon encounter is the sa-jiao
temperament. In fact, I sure that you have see this many times before.
I knew exactly what he was talking about but he was on a roll and I could not bring myself to interrupt
him.
This is where they act like babies, stamp their feet and pout like princesses. The media environment in
general does its best to infantilise women on a daily basis in China, but skewed demographics also play
an important part. Thanks to the disastrous one-child policy, there are far fewer females than males and
this creates an artificial supply and demand. Girls that fit the media model of attractive are especially
prone to sa-jiao behaviour, mainly because they know that they can get away with it. All over China you
can see some poor idiot trailing around behind a cute looker, carrying her handbag and picking up all her
tabs. Really good looking girls will have more than one of these dolts in constant orbit, or on 24-hour
call. The key here is to see beyond that and have a Freudian understanding of their upbringings. Despite
the failed policy, there are very few families with only daughters. Boys are valued far more highly than
even the most beautiful and charming girls. Boys are given every opportunity that their family can afford,
while most girls were often seen by their parents as an unfortunate biological error, and are given far less
in the way of encouragement. Fortunately there are many smart Chinese girls out there. Some might even
say that in general, Chinese girls even put their male counterparts to shame in nearly all areas of
achievement. Still, the fact remains that many retain much of the stigma that they felt as a child. This is
especially true when it comes to their relationship with their fathers. Therefore if a man can put himself in
a position where he begins the relationship with a Chinese girl, by chastising her or dominating her in the
way that most Chinese men would not dare, then he has an immediate advantage. Impress her by being
expert and knowledgeable, confident and strong. If she is attractive, there will be dozens of Chinese guys
fawning all over her trying to impress her with wealth and gifts. Instead of this, if you can find a way to be
the father-figure that she might have never had, then you immediately have a leg up on all those losers, no
matter how much money they have. That is of course assuming that she is also able to see through their
paper thin facades in the first place. If she is what the Chinese refer to as a 'hua pin' or a vase (beautiful to
look at but nothing of substance inside) then she is probably not worth pursuing anyway.
Remember that both girls and guys alike know almost nothing about anything that goes on outside the
borders of the precious People's Republic. Ask any Chinese what they know about England and they will
tell you that every single Englishman has to take an umbrella with him every time he leaves the house and
that London is constantly shrouded in a thick blanket of pea soup. They think that all Brits are addicted to
gambling and that David Beckman can count to more than three. Their knowledge of Thailand is even
worse. Once you get back to China try asking the average person what they know about the Land of Smiles
and they will start telling you about a beautiful riverside building where the King buried his dead wife.

I looked at him intently, trying to think of the attraction to which he was referring. I could not for the life
of me think of any palace or major temple in Bangkok or beyond that featured such a prominent royal
grave.
OK, I give up.
The Taj Mahal.
But the Taj Mahal is in India!
Exactly! I know that, and you know that but in Chinese, the character for Taj and the character for Thai
are the same. They all think it is here in Bangkok.
Actually the best way to leverage this kind of thing is to find a way to use it to your advantage. It is a
definite advantage to have at least some understanding and appreciation of Chinese cultural and regional
backgrounds. Just as with other nationalities there are many stereotypes, but when meeting independent
travellers and backpackers, many of these will break the usual moulds. Although the Chinese claim to
have an unbroken 5000 year old civilisation, modern China is a very young entity and is spread very
thinly over a huge area. This makes the national identity brittle and prone to fracturing. Coastal
metropolises like Hangzhou and Shanghai are almost comparable to parts of Europe, while much of the
hinterland is more like Third World Africa. Overall it is an inward looking society and difficult for
foreigners to penetrate, even for those that live there for long periods of time. Even so, there is much more
of a sense of 'us' and 'them' with most Chinese, simply because there are so few non-Chinese living
permanently in China. China is largely homogeneous and not the multi-racial melting pots that we are used
to in much of the West. Being Chinese is not even defined by nationality, just ask all the Chinese that are
born overseas. And so what it means to actually be Chinese is quite difficult to pinpoint. For all of their
loud-hailer jingoism, many citizens leave at the very first opportunity they have, and nearly eighty percent
of the freshly minted millionaires have made one of their very first investments an overseas passport.
What is much more easy to pinpoint is the Chinese attitude towards foreigners. Modern China was
dragged together by demonising foreigners and vilifying individual nations, rather than the economic
forces that actually tore the country apart. Fortunately, many young people especially realise that
foreigners are a mixed bunch and are no more representative of their foreign governments than they are of
the Chinese Communist Party. This said, there are still plenty of Chinese that have never had the
opportunity to meet a foreigner face-to-face and have only ever seen actors and celebrities on TV. Clearly
not all Chinese are Shaolin monks and Tai Chi masters but when they take on that role, it is very difficult
for us as Westerners to tell them apart from the real thing. In just the same way, if you decide to play the
part of Jason Stratham, or Hugh Grant or Sean Bean, the average Chinese is going to have a lot more
difficulty in spotting the difference than any Brits or Americans. Once you figure out which of your
national stereotypes are widely perceived in a positive light, then there is absolutely no harm in
maximizing those roles. We all fake it till we make it but there is no reason why your home country
persona has to follow you halfway around the world. Take a look at the actor Richard Armitage for
example. As Heinz Kruger in Captain America he looked like a boring geography teacher but with a
change of costume and a new hairstyle he went on to play Guy of Gisborne in Robin Hood and then
Thorin Oakenshield in The Hobbit. The Chinese all have their own ideas of who we are and it is up to us
to reinforce or destroy those stereotypes. I personally love playing the role of English gentleman almost
as much as like taking on the part of English villain.
Ah, people only know what you tell them, Carl. This was the line that was spoken by Frank
Abagnale, Jr. in the film Catch Me if You Can, in which Leonardo di Caprio spent much of his time posing
as an airline pilot. Of course, it is also true that if you tell people nothing at all, they will base their
judgements based on the uniform you choose to wear. If that happens to be the grey suit of an anonymous
office worker then that is completely up to you, but if you want to be treated like a handsome prince then
you at least have to dress the part. Just take a walk down Khaosan Road and see all the different styles

and the personalities that people are trying to portray.

I barely realised that I had long finished my muesli and was already on my third coffee refill. We
probably could have spent most of the morning and the rest of the afternoon debating the charms and the
chains of Chinese culture, until I was gently reminded that there are those who talk and those who do. By
lunch time, it was time to start doing again and so we ventured across to Ping and Ting's place to see if
they wanted to hang out. Unfortunately while we had been discussing international relations theory for the
last two hours, they had already gone out exploring without us. The good thing was that they had left a
note for us at the reception with instructions to come back and meet them at nine.
These girls must think that we are their bloody tour guides. complained Chris. Let's go with plan B
and head over to the Amari. We can pick up some goodies on the way and chill by the pool for the
afternoon.
I suspect that he was more interested in rubbing a few sticks and stones together to see if he could ignite
a Starland Rocket or two for a little afternoon delight, but I was not complaining. He was most definitely
warming to Xiao Xiong and I was still fascinated with Louise.
Grab your Speedos, and we'll see if we can coax them out into the sun and into the water. They look
paler than a couple of AIDs victims at the moment, and could definitely do with a few rays.

We spent the late afternoon sipping on daiquiris and splashing around in the pool. I suspect that Chris
was relishing the fact that he could have the girls sign for all the drinks. It was certainly a whole lot
cheaper than hanging out in some posh coffee shop and us paying through the nose for an endless stream of
overpriced expressos.
At around six, Chris popped out onto the soi and picked up some street snacks. He came back loaded
with grilled satay, sausage with green salad and a couple of small tubs of coconut ice cream. He set the
various goody bags down on the table and turned to the girls.
So I heard that Chinese girls love ice cream. Is that true for you two as well?
Ooh, yes, they both answered eagerly.
And which part of your body do you like it on best? He asked cheekily. It took them a moment to
unravel the passive but unequivocal message in Chris' question, but they soon clicked and started
sniggering like a pair of naughty schoolgirls. Chris teased them relentlessly.
OK two large helpings of ice cream for dessert, but what about the main course? I have got BBQ pork
satay with sticky rice here, holding up one of the bulging plastic bags, or juicy Thai sausage with crispy
sliced cabbage?
Before either of had chance to answer, he glanced across at me and then back at the two girls.
Or maybe you would like try some traditional English sausage, thick, meaty and full of flavour?
They smiled knowingly and Louise raised an eyebrow suggestively. Chris was never one to miss even
the most subtly telegraphed signal and immediately began clearing away the table.
So, let's take these upstairs, and then we can put the ice cream in the fridge for later, while we see
what you girls know about top quality sausage. The dirty innuendos continued in the elevator and by the
time we got to the eighteenth floor the four of us were sizzling. From the looks in their eyes, the girls
looked about ready to jump us both as soon as we stepped into their room. It was clear that they were both
used to Chinese guys salivating all over them, and now the boot was on the other foot, it was great to
watch them squirm. I was working hard to put into practice what Chris had explained about the fine line
between flirtatious and facetious. The stream of sausage jokes was being made with a completely straight
face, and we even started playing ignorant when the girls began to join in with the suggestive linguistic
game play, just to keep them off balance. Even the most playful of kittens are not interested in a big fluffy
ball of wool unless it is unpredictable and challenging.

In the end, we decided to keep them both on the boil, save the ice cream for later and headed back to
Khaosan to meet up with the B team. We told Louise and Xiao Xiong to dig out their best party frocks and
that we would come back and pick them up around ten. This would give them a good couple of hours to
mess about with their hair, make up, and whatever else it is that takes them so long to organise whenever
they get ready to go out. This also gave us plenty of time to leave a message with Ping and Ting to tart
themselves up a bit, giving us chance to change into our tuxes. We may not have been heading for the
baccarat tables of Baden-Baden but we were certainly dressed like a million dollars and had two strong
pairs to play into the night.
Xiao Xiong surprised us with the news that we were going to meet up with a few 'Nan Fang' flight
attendants at some glitzy KTV palace later. She and Louise had both changed into an exquisitely matching
pair of clinging qipaos, each with a matching Ming Dynasty, blue and white porcelain design. With their
hair tied up even more tightly than their figure hugging cheongsams, they could have easily passed for a
pair of the latest generation PR models from the Tyrrel Corporation Shanghai Head Office.
Waiting for us downstairs in the lobby of the Amari, Ping had magically transformed herself into a nasty
Asian biker-chick. High-heeled ankle-boots lead up to spray on red hot-pants and a leather-fringed blouse
matched perfectly with her black wraparounds. Ting had a tightly pulled-back pony-tail that fell
tantalisingly down her classic black Ayumi 'Talking 2 Myself' two-piece, complete with signature chain
and the black diamante fingernails. Needless to say, in the very first bar we entered, every single head in
the place craned around to see what all the fuss was about. I led the way with the two delicate porcelain
dolls. Chris followed coolly behind with a couple of Harley chicks that he had likely just purloined from
a gang of local Bandidos. We could not have been more arresting even if we had planned it down to the
very last detail.
Although it was still early, some of the other clubbers already looked as though they'd had enough to
sink a battleship. The two girls were keen to catch up and immediately ordered the number one Chinese
party-girl cocktail; Flaming Lamborghini. Ping leaned precipitously over the bar, anticipating the first
major pyrotechnic display of the evening, as our resident mixologist devilled a double-shot until it burst
forth in a tumbling cataract of alcoholic flames. Molten madness in a ritual combination of Galliano,
Baileys and Black Sambuca, Lamborghinis provides the fuel injection that precedes any of the inevitable
late-night fireworks. Camera-phones emerged from nowhere, erupting in the first lithium starburst of
many. This time it captured an almost priapic vision of lust, the kind of image that draws outraged letters
and written threats of subscription cancellations. Ping Ping and some anonymous disco starlet, were both
kneeling acrobatically on the same bar stool. The curving contours of their supple, lithe forms were
moulding erotically into each other. Ever the dom, Ping thrust forward over her new trophys shoulder,
sucking up the scorching milky nectar as quickly as it tumbled into the glass.
Chris turned out to be a master of the party pix art-form and its endless possibilities. He knew full well
how to add just the right amount of tension with assisted clap countdowns, and Pavlovian whoops of
applause erupted whenever the flash-bulb lit up a new scene. Svengali's spirit re-appeared each time he
slid back the lens guard and let those lithium ions flow. A few waves of this wand-like device and he was
suddenly transformed into a Tantric priest of love, weaving orgasmic tapestries of erotic fantasy. With a
few carefully aimed flashes, he was transforming innocent fun into advanced foreplay, bar room hi-jinx
into heightened horniness. Girls and guys alike were suddenly no-holds-barred movie stars, and a strange
power lay in his hands. Complete strangers were willing show him the intimacies of their underwear and
often a lot more. They gleefully assumed any pose that he might have suggested and proceeded to
massage, stroke, kiss and grope just about anything he cared to specify.
It was less than ten minutes before the whole place was singing along to a raucous Terrorvision cover
of the Tequila anthem. Our Hell's Angel harlots were now up on the bar with a bottle of Jose in each hand,
pouring out cascade shots to the crowds below. We had been immediately approached by the PR manager

as soon as we sat down, and when he asked the girls to help out with the ten o'clock tequila round, they
literally jumped at the chance. A pair of muscled bar tenders, helped them up onto the main bar, and then
armed them with shot-capped bottles of the appropriate alcohol. Ping mamboed up and down the counter
like a Tarrantino chorus girl, while Ting Ting was going completely coyote for an especially appreciative
group of locals. Each girl performed with a full bottle of Mexican courage which they liberally dispersed,
sans glasses, to anybody that would gape up at them from ground level. Guys and girls were lining up in
front of each to take advantage of the free flowing liquor, but I kept well back. I was nervously unwilling
to expose a lifetime of accumulated fillings and cavities our two girls, who were now perched on high.
Carefully aimed cascades of spirits hurtled down into the waiting maws of the baying crowds below, a
mass frenzy of pan-Asian partiers, each one now on the very verge of losing it. I quickly assumed the role
of rock-star roadie and was about round-up an eager bevy of cutest-ass-in-the-club contestants for an
impromptu photo session, when the sky suddenly came crashing down.
In hindsight, I suspect that it was something as simple as a stiletto stuck in the drip tray. Ting teetered
slightly in slow mo, and then went into the most spectacularly high-altitude, reverse swan-dive that I have
ever seen. The next thing we knew, she was crumpled in a very un-Hamasaki heap behind the bar. Flair
boys were running in from each side, probably hoping for the chance to give our party princess the kiss of
life.
Luckily for Ting, this was Thailand and the nearest hospital was only a few blocks away, although
multi-coloured tuk-tuk is definitely not the most dignified to way to arrive at any Accident and Emergency
department. She insisted that both Chris and I accompany her, Chris for his local language skills and me,
mainly for moral support. We were forced to leave Xiao Xiong and Louise at the club, although we did
promise to catch up with them later at the stewardess party. Turns out that that was another one of those
legendary parties that got away and we spent the rest of the evening mollycoddling our directionallychallenged stage-diver.
Things could have been much worse of course. I still remember my first visit to a Chinese hospital.
Time warped back into an early episode of the BBC's original Survivors series, the main reception was
manned solely by a bathrobe-clad soon-to-be-cadaver, retching wholeheartedly down the side of his
rusting wheelchair. This was a place where RTA victims were given a glucose drip, cupping had only
recently replaced leeches and the fumes of foul moxibustion constantly filled the hallways.
Thanks to Buddha, we were safely ensconced in the Land of Smiles, where some forty percent of the
international arrivals that fly in annually, come for the world-class health facilities. Ting was laid out on a
stretcher that looked as if the cling-film packaging had just been removed. She was gently wheeled away
along a spotlessly clean corridor, with suitably subdued lighting. We in turn were left outside to console
Ping, while her best friend was taken away to be diagnosed. A selection of leggy nurses came by to offer
us coffee, each one an entire world apart from the stegs and swamp donkeys that I recalled from Mainland
Chinese medical centres. Every one reassured us that the doctor would be with us shortly. It might not
have been Bumrungrad International but it was more than satisfactory considering the circumstances.
After about fifteen minutes, a tall handsome Thai gentleman wandered nonchalantly down towards us,
clutching a clipboard and clicking a propelling pencil.
You Ting Ting's friends, yes? to which the three of us all nodded in unison.
I am Deth he continued, Your friend has a badly fractured collar bone and will need to stay
overnight for observation.
Ping suddenly burst into tears, and I could not be sure if it was the news of the injury, or the fact that her
best friend was being treated by Dr. Deth.
Dr...err...Khun Deth, I started. Even I could not bring myself to address him as Dr. Deth, just in case
the whole place morphed into an SS experiment chamber, and so I decided to use the traditional Siamese
honorific instead. Can we see her?

We have given her something for the pain, but you can have five minutes to say good night. and he led
the way through a side door and into a neon-lit passage. I was nervous and made the mistake of trying to
make small talk as he took us up to the admissions ward.
So, your father must have a real sense of humour. I quipped without thinking.
My father, he Ded he responded, and I realised that I had carefully inserted foot into oesophagus once
again.
Oh, I am very sorry, I did not know. desperately trying to extricate my toes from my tonsils.
No, no. My father, his name, Ded. He works on the paediatrics floor upstairs. and began sniggering at
me. His command of English was obviously good enough to fully appreciate the confusion caused by
some of the more morbid sounding Thai nicknames, and was relishing my wriggling in discomfort. By the
time we reached Ting, we were all giggling like five-year-olds. She was well doped up and by the looks
of it could barely keep her eyes open. Chris immediately took charge yet again.
The Doc says you will be fine but you need to stay here tonight. He has given you some medicine for
the pain and we will come back in the morning with some clothes and stuff for you. I felt like adding that
she was in very safe hands here with Dr Deth, but somehow managed to restrain myself.
OK. She needs her rest now. I will show you out. and we waited for Dr Deth to lead the way. Yet
another stunning Bangkok Thai with legs up her earlobes walked up to the foot of the bed and we
commenced playing the confusing Thai nickname game for the second time that evening.
This is Aye. Aye will show you down to reception but I will have to stay up here. I was so tempted to
reply with a cheeky Aye, aye! just to confuse things even more but forced myself to keep my trap shut
for once.

By the time we took Ping home, it was gone two, and rather than go chasing after the Southern China
Stewardess Bangkok bash, we decided to call it a night and catch up with Xiao Xiong and Louise
sometime the following day.

Chapter 9

THERE seemed little point in fighting our way through Bangkok's rush hour traffic back to the hospital the
following morning, just to find Ting Ting was still heavily sedated. Instead we waited till around eleven
and started with a visit to the local Robinson's, so we could pick up an extra-large bag of local brand
Winalot and a party-pack of cocktail sausages. Chris explained that these were not grape substitutes for
our newly hospitalised friend but offerings for a temple visit later in the day. We picked up Ping at her
guest house and by the time we got to Deth's place, she and Ting had firmly decided that they were going
to go back home to China early.
That's an awful shame, spoke Chris with clear disappointment, You know, I would be happy to arrange
a fortnight of rest and recuperation down at a beautiful little resort that I know in Baan Saphan. But they
had already decided in their own minds and they wanted to be back home with their families. We duly
promised that we would visit next time we were in that part of Guangxi, and even persuaded them to
accompany us a trip down to Dayaoshan, which was relatively close by to their hometown. After that, it
was all sad hugs and soppy kisses and we left her in the capable hands of Dr. Deth.

Rather than fall into a routine, we persuaded Louise and Xiao Xiong to skip the pool for a day and head
out to a quiet temple that Chris knew on the outskirts of the city. We arrived just after four, by which time
the intense heat of the day had finally burned itself out. A pair of heavily tattooed monks swept away the
leaves as we entered the main gate. Such places are sometimes sanctuaries for the criminal fraternity, and
I wondered if these guys were hiding out from the local law, or if they perhaps did a bit of dealing on the
side to keep their hands in. Still, it was not inked-up novices that we had come to see today. Out by the
fish ponds were a rag-taggle band of scabby-looking mutts, which certainly looked as though they needed
feeding up. The girls had performed admirably at the Cat Cafe and it seemed that Chris was rewarding
them with a second interview, where this time, they would be sussed out by a crew of his canine friends.
In between shooing away some of the more aggressive males, we tried to make sure that one
particularly Biafran-looking bitch at the rear and her pitch-black puppies could get a bite in edgeways. It
did not take long for Chris to announce that he wanted a change of pace.
Bangkok is a great place to visit, but it must be a real curse to have to live here. I do not know about
you girls but Darby and I are looking for a change of scene. We are going to head down to the King's
Summer Palace and spend a few days on the beach. If you girls can behave, then you can come with us.
They were keen but they wanted to know exactly where we were going. As per usual Chris kept the upper
hand and made them guess.
Koh Samui? ventured Louise.
Ah yes, respond Chris, We all know about that Koh Nan Luang private island paradise that all the
Chinese tourists go to. Close but no cigar. Anyway, there is only one resort-stroke-restaurant on the whole
damned island and they screw everybody that makes the mistake of staying overnight. No were going
somewhere much better than that.
Koh Phi Phi?' piped Xiao Xiong
Oh I get it, Chris accused her; You just want to go to that Swedish disco, Carlitos that everybody
talks about so that you can hook up with a couple of virile Vikings. Last time I was in Phi Phi, the entire
place had been flattened by the tsunami. The whole area was deserted as we passed by on the way to
Phuket. No climbers, no tourists, not a sign of life anywhere in fact. I'll bet it is a lot different these days,
but we are going somewhere a bit closer to BKK this time.
By now he had their complete attention. I was just relieved that they had not embarrassed themselves by
requesting an escorted trip to the Taj Mahal.

OK, I'll book a mini-bus tomorrow for the four of us and it'll be a surprise, but I guarantee that you
won't be disappointed.
And so it was set. We left all the waggy tails and wet noses to grab some eats at a nearby locals' nightmarket. This was well beyond the reach of the usual tourist hordes and was a totally authentic shopping
experience for once. Both Chris and I had a few favourites that we carefully sought out. For me, it was
pumpkin steeped in jaggery and baked peppered eggs, the Cambodian pepper giving them a real zing. The
only snakeheads we saw looked awfully oily, and the girls practically screamed when we suggested fried
tarantulas. These examples too might have been Khmer in origin, as they had the most bloated bodies that
I had ever seen in Thailand. Down in the Elephant and Cardomons, spider hunting is big business and
these specimens certainly looked as though they had been enjoying a rich, organic diet, not some farm-fed
daddy-long-leg-lookalikes. These were authentic Hammer House of Horror contenders. Still, this time we
settled for some coconut squares and what might well have been fried taro balls. I was not completely
sure. With an arm full of exotic treats, we headed back to their place to hit the pool. After all, there was
still ice cream in Louise's drinks fridge from the day before. Not to mention the other tasty treats that we
had been saving.


By the next morning, the weather had changed considerably. Bangkok was heating up fast and the
stifling heat was making the whole place smell like rugby club locker-room. It was a smart move on our
part in heading down to a seaside resort where a fresh ocean breeze could clear away our capital
cobwebs. The mini-bus picked Chris and I up at 8.30 am and then headed over to the Amari, where we
had told the girls to be ready by nine o'clock. In the event, Bangkok's notorious rush hour was not half as
bad as we expected and we were there by a quarter past nine. For all it's terrible reputation, I am sure that
we would have been stuck much longer in the biblically proportioned traffic jams of Shanghai, Beijing or
Shenzhen. It was not until we were out on the Southern Highway down on the other side of the new
suspension bridge that we really started moving though. Mini-buses here have a reputation for hitting
mach-five as soon as they reach the outskirts, and this one was no exception. It is said that most of them
are owned and operated by the Traffic Police and so are exempt from any traffic rules and speed
restrictions. Our Toyota, like most, had full racing skirts that reached only millimetres off the ground and
dark tinted windows. On the inside, just above the rear view mirror, a Buddhist blessing consisting of
nine dots and a seven-tiered royal umbrella was hand-painted onto the ceiling in gold-leaf. If the
protection of the boys-in-blue was insufficient, then we could always rely on the unwinking gaze of the
Enlightened One. We stopped briefly at a set of traffic lights and bought a fresh new set of garlands from a
peddler on the central traffic barrier. These were hung on the rear-view mirror. After that it was more a
case of crossing our fingers, not looking out of the window and trying to ignore the seven-and-half gees
that we seemed to be pulling every time we accelerated.
Luckily the roller-coaster ride only lasted a couple of hours before we were able to jump back out of
warp speed and were cruising steadily along the Petchakasem Road into the outskirts of Hua Hin. We
passed a god-awful fake Venetian eyesore, that notorious den of iniquity, Hi Nam Sai Suay, and the Klang
Klai Won Palace, which translates into English as "Far from Worries." Originally built by Rama VII, it
has more recently been the full-time residence of HRH Bhumibol Adulyadej, Thailands beneficent
monarch although the black-clad SWAT-style sentries tightly clutching their M16s made it crystal clear
that the King did not appreciate being disturbed.
Chris started pointing out highlights as we entered the city proper, including the Baguette Shop,
Chatchai Market and the huge temple that backed onto Soi Bonkabint.
Ladies and gentleman, we are now arriving in the Royal Resort of Hua Hin. The girls spontaneously
began clapping and chanting their favourite Thai phrase, much to delight of our very pleased driver.

Posh and Becks usually stay down at the Chivasom, but I hear that is only because all the signs are in
large print, and the management provide David with a 24 hour assistant to help him recognise those words
with more than one syllable. He did absolutely nothing to hide his scathing sarcasm.
We on the other hand will be staying at a small but charming place I know, tucked away behind the
Royal Project. And once you have all freshened up, I will take you to a small noodle joint on the Khlong
Road. It is said to be so good that the King often sends one of his lackeys out to bring back sai-tung back
to the Palace for lunch.
What is sai-tung? asked Louise.
Da-bao; dai-zou, you know, takeaway. You Chinese do not have the sole monopoly on that you know.

Royal appointment noodles were just one of many highlights that we enjoyed together in Hua Hin. Chris
had a true insider's knowledge of the small seaside town. We toured the amazingly beautiful Teak Palace,
gorged on the freshest sea-food imaginable and then partied into the wee hours at the Brewery inside the
Hilton. Best of all, we had become two inseparable couples, acting all soppy and romantic, like two pairs
of love-struck puppies. Of all the candidates that had been informally interviewed, we both agreed that
had picked out a couple of real winners. Xiao Xiong was an absolute charmer, with so much organic
charisma that she quickly had almost anybody she met eating out of her hand. Lousie was slightly less
outgoing and despite her great looks, had a modesty that I really appreciated. Xiao Xiong on the other
hand was not only very attractive, but she knew it full well, and knew that everybody else knew it too.
Even so, there were more than a few occasions when she showed us how uniquely adorable she could be.
The first time was during the second evening at the hotel when she discovered a swarm of hornets had
decided to build their nest in the eaves of the roof, directly above her balcony. Although Chris was trying
hard to transform her into the same kind of dedicated animal lover that he was, she was still having
difficulties with some of the Almighty's smaller creatures. What made it really hilarious was the strange
linguistic block that afflicted her on this particular topic: she kept on referring to the hornets as 'hornies.'
Chris and I both found this very endearing, even though she was becoming quite perturbed by the insect
invaders.
Every morning we went for western breakfast at a downtown cafe that was a landmark among the
foreign community. This was a well-established favourite on the Srassond Road that was very popular
with all of the overseas retirees that flocked to Hua Hin in droves. In those days, the clientele was mainly
well-to-do retired European guys and our made-in-China imports always attracted lots of attention. In
some ways the little seaside town was the Thai equivalent of Eastbourne in Sussex or Kissimmee in
Florida. There were plenty of Victor Meldrew types around, along with a fair few American vets, along
with a helluva lot of old coffin-dodgers, for whom Basil would have warned us not to 'mention the war.'
The main difference was that in places like Bangkok and Pattaya, most of the long-term residents were
single older men, while here in Hua Hin there were a lot more retired couples. Even so, our breakfast
spot doubled as a well stocked European deli and so it was always filled with a selection of Scandis and
Teutonics, invariably with their short Isaan 'girlfriends.' At least that was the most charitable way could
describe them. Our two tall Chinese lookers looked conspicuously out of place in comparison.
With her strong and forthright personality, Xiao Xiong had become fast friends with the short haired
manageress and a few of the waitresses. Everyday they would all greet each other like a gaggle of excited
college girls. All the female companions of the regular customers eyed Xiao Xiong and Louise with
extreme suspicion. They were probably worried that these Chinese interlopers were freshly arrived
competition. Hua Hin is a sleepy town that already has more than enough predatory females to go around.
It does not have any actual go-go bars in respect for the King, who lives so close by, but there is still
plenty of nightlife, for a wide range of tastes. Large numbers of country girls are drawn to the
concentration of wealthy white guys, who in turn are escaping from the sub-zero temperatures of Oslo,

Helsinki or Copenhagan. Thanks to the large amount of retired Western couples, the place does not have
the Sodom and Gomorrah feel that Pattaya now has in spades. I can still remember on my first trip to
Pattaya, long before I met Chris, I wanted to try out one of the shooting ranges on the edge of the town.
After all, you never know when the next zombie apocalypse will descend upon us, and I wanted to know
at least how to handle a hand-gun, and maybe an AK just in case we had more problems than hostile
hornets. I checked out about half a dozen places on the internet at my hotel. Just as I had decided on which
venue to visit, I read a notice stating that unaccompanied single men were not admitted under any
circumstances. It turns out that in the past, heart-broken Pattaya punters had been heading out to ranges in
droves where they would promptly blow their brains out. Pattaya already has a reputation for older
gentlemen falling mysteriously from their high-rise apartments. Perhaps the shooting range ban is
especially for guys that are unfortunate enough to live in ground floor condos.
Anyway, back in Hua Hin, this particular morning we were sat at our regular table to sample the
imported cold meats and cheese platters that are the most popular breakfast dish on the menu. As soon as
we arrived, a rather perturbed Xiao Xiong was hugging and cheek-kissing with all the excitable staff.
Most of the male customers were trying to get a sly gander without their companions of the previous
evening noticing and becoming jumping jealous in the process, as Thai girls are prone so to do.
Good morning Xiao Xiong. welcomed the boss, And how are you today? Without any hesitation or
embarrassment, she announced in a loud voice, that everybody could clearly hear.
Oh, I have terrible horny problem!
Bless her, that little mispronunciation must have caused about twenty cases of whiplash among the
elderly, male patrons of the establishment. Luckily for her, the fire brigade were just around the corner,
and she soon had a band of fire-fighting admirers to assist us with her heinous 'horny' situation.
Later, while the girls were out exploring the wet market, Chris gave me a short but well meaning
lecture about bringing coals to Newcastle.
Many years ago, I learned the value of having a suitably exotic girlfriend from a London drug dealer in
Shenzhen. He had a wife in Hong Kong that provided his residence card but he worked predominantly in
Shenzhen, servicing the high-end expat community. You know, the kind of Peter Principle plonkers that
make in excess of two hundred grand a year. Most of them have just been shipped sideways to China to
stop them causing problems at home and keep them well out of the way. Just like it is back in the West, all
these investment bankers and real estate wheeler-dealers are extremely partial to their cocaine and other
class-A consumables. Tony was the outwardly friendly guy in the know, who could get you anything you
wanted. I was unfortunate enough to meet him through a nightclub manageress that I was dating at the time.
He had been chasing her on and off for the last twelve months and gotten absolutely nowhere. So of
course, he hated me immediately. His wife in Hong Kong guaranteed his Hong Kong ID card so that he
could come and go across the border as he pleased but he also had a selection of Mainland trophies, all of
whom seemed to be extensions of his glamorous nightclub personality. The first two I met were instantly
forgettable apart from the fact that they both had the most enormous fake breasts. It was not until later that
I met A. Typical Thai nickname. Tony had just come back from a trip to Pattaya and while most people
come home with sunburn and a couple of T-shirts, he had bought back this knockout, leggy Isaan girl. In
Shenzhen, where 99.9 percent of the population are Han Chinese, she looked like some alluring foreign
houri and was always the centre of attention. Her dress sense was outlandish and eye-catching compared
to the locals and she was always turning heads wherever she went. It was not till later that we found out
that he had first found her working on the Beach Road near walking street. There are no end of sleazy gogos and blow-job bars where he could have picked up something slightly more stylish but he went and
chose a low-end beach-walker, knowing full well that no one in China would ever know the difference.
He quickly tired of poor A and my own girlfriend took pity on her, giving her a place to stay once Tony
started taking his frustrations out her physically. Career drug-dealers tend to be like that. For a while, the

two girls were fast friends, but this soon got old when she began bringing home two or three guys at a
time. Things went from bad to worse when stuff started to go missing from the apartment. Eventually she
snagged an Arab businessman and moved out, but there is an important lesson to be learned here.
Whatever your background in your own country, there is always the chance to start a fresh and become the
talk-of-the-town in another. When she first arrived in China this girl was treated like night-life royalty. I
can still remember her dancing go-go girl style in one of the clubs that we used to frequent, where she was
making Chinese jaws drop to floor all night long.
He sipped his coffee and continued.
Eventually, I took a leaf from Tony's book and decided to bring one of my own Chinese girlfriend's on
a trip to Thailand. This tall Sichuan beauty stood out a mile everywhere we went in the Kingdom and
there was absolutely none of the stigma that would have cropped up if she had been Thai. Her dress sense
was different to the locals, as was her overall presence, and all the locals loved it when they found out
that she was foreign and exotic. Of course, it obviously helped that she was great looking. This is why, I
only focus on Chinese tourists these days. Farangs are looked down upon if they have a local 'girlfriend,'
but come here with a couple of beauties like Louise and Xiao Xiong and everybody treats us like
aristocracy. Now if I could just find a sweet Prachuap girl that I could take back to China. Actually, my
first choice would be one of the young ladies that works in the Chinese Consulate up in Chiang Mai. Have
you seen those girls? They are so unspeakably glam that they make even Tiffanys' Crown Holders look
like something that you just adopted down at the pound.
We were still laughing out loud at the ridiculousness of it all when the two girls returned. They sat
down and Chris diplomatically changed the subject.
Tonight we are going to a party up at the Wolf's Den.
What kind of party? I queried. Chris slipped into his best duelling-banjos Deliverance accent and
growled,
Well, there's going to be drinking, and dancing, and fighting, and fucking!
Oh really? I exclaimed, shocked at his use of profanity, which was quite out of character. And who
else is going to this party? I asked as casually as possible.
Just you and me! was the immediate reply and he started cachinnating like some deranged, evil
hillbilly.

The party turned out to be very different than he had initially described. The Wolf's Den was a huge
gated villa up towards the airport, and was home to Geoff, an ex-USAF pilot in Nam - now retired, right
in between the Summer Palace and the Parachute Regiment Base. Geoff introduced us to three local
captains, two adjutants and a lieutenant-colonel. Then an elderly English couple arrived, much to
everybody else's clear delight. At first, I was damned if I could see the connection between this very
pedestrian pair of retirees and all the top military brass in attendance but Christian soon made the
necessary introductions.
Darby, I would like you to meet Lesley and Ronald, my folks. It turns out that his parents had been
Geoff's neighbours for many years and were frequent guests at the Den's parties.
I hear that you and the Lt. Colonel are going skydiving again this week Mother, and I wondered if you
could take Xiao Xiong along with you.
A genuine squeal of delight came from the Beijing girl's excited lips. None of us had remembered that
his parents were retired in Thailand, let alone the fact that his mother was a freefall specialist who
jumped regularly with cadets from the 501 Light Attack Squadron, most of whom were nearly a quarter
her age. Christian was always full of these kinds of surprises and he certainly knew how to end a holiday
with a bang. Although Xiao Xiong was almost quivering with anticipation at the thought of going sky
diving with the Royal Thai Air Force Special Operations Regiment, Louise was white as a sheet just at

the idea of it. Poor girl had a phobia for heights and so I took her down to enjoy the peace and quiet of
Baan Grood while Christian and Xiong spent the rest of the week with a drill instructor.
Down at the Hua Hin train station, we took the opportunity to make some plans for the forthcoming May
Day holidays. The girls were busy taking souvenir snapshots of each other outside the Royal Waiting
Room. The iconic design of the King's special facility was built in the same style as the
Maruekkhathayawan Palace, and is one of the town's major photo opps along with the old steam engine
and the kalamazoo. Of course, this is hardly surprising when compared to the soulless stations back in
China, where endless rows of plasma TVs showing mindless ads take precedence over far less important
facilities, such as doors on the toilet cubicles, let alone bowls or seats.
I am thinking of hiking from Ningbo down to Wuyishan in April, following the old Tea Thief routes
that were taken by Robert Fortune. Either that or the opium trails around what used to be Huangcaoba.
Whatever happens, I do not want to be in Guangzhou during bloody Trade Fair. If you want to join me then
we can head back down to GZ for the YACA convention on May Day and you can show me your trooper
armour. The weather won't be too bad and from there we can head back up into the borderlands. What do
you say?
After a week of high adventure in Thailand, there was no way that I could turn down such an offer and
enthusiastically accepted.
Chris what is it that you actually do in China, if you do not mind me asking? I did not want to pry but
there was obviously a lot more to the story than simple travel writing.
Well, if we meet up, maybe I'll show you. I have a few interesting projects on the go at the moment,
and maybe even something that I can share with you, but you will need to work on your Chinese.
Mandarin might be optional here but back on the Mainland, it is a very different story. We could go
heiress hunting in Zhejiang or maybe pursue a few princesses up in the Tibetan foothills. Anyway, you
must have a dozen or so numbers to follow up on from our recent activities back in the smoke?
It was true, we both had a stack of invitations that stretched from Tianya-Haijiao all the way up to the
Tumen Jiang. It was still too cold up in China for me to head straight back and so we made plans to meet
in Hong Kong, where he promised to introduce me to the charming Filipina and Indonesian contingents. In
the meantime, I was going to get the overnight train down to Alor. It is true that all the action is centred
around Georgetown and Langkawi, but after a week in Christian's company, I desperately needed a break
and some well needed peace and quiet. Alor Setar is a small quiet town, but I have a friend down there
who wanted me to help her set up some export contacts in China. She whole-sales bird's nests that are
collected in the limestone labyrinths that pepper the area like Gorgonzola. To be honest, I simply was not
used to Christian's manic pace. I needed time to recharge my batteries before embarking on another trip
with him, but it was definitely something that I did not want to miss out on. If it turns out to be anything
like our Bangkok adventure, I might even take a few more notes.

Chapter 10 - A Glossary of Terms (in alphabetical order)

501st Legion - An international fan-based, entirely voluntary organization dedicated to the construction
and wearing of screen-accurate replicas of Imperial Stormtrooper armor, and other villains from the Star
Wars universe. Formed in 1997, the Legion now has over 6,500 active members worldwide, with nearly
11,000 approved costumes among them. The Legion is active on 5 continents, with Garrisons and
Outposts in over 50 countries around the globe. Legion members make appearances at casual,
promotional, and charitable events, often at the request of Lucasfilm's Fan Events department.
Alor Setar - The capital and largest city of Kedah, Malaysia, and is one of the major cities on the western
coast of Peninsular Malaysia, 93 kilometres north of Penang and 45 km from Malaysia's border with
Thailand. Its location along the main travel route from Malaysia to Thailand has long made it a major
transportation hub on the northern Malay Peninsula.
Anhui (Chinese: ) - A province of the People's Republic of China, and is part of the East China
region. Located across the basins of the Yangtze River and the Huai River, it borders Jiangsu to the east,
Zhejiang to the southeast, Jiangxi to the south, Hubei to the southwest, Henan to the northwest, and
Shandong for a tiny section in the north. The provincial capital is Hefei. Being such a poor province, it is
a huge source of migrant workers in Shanghai, Beijing and other first tier cities.
o Di - The o di is a Vietnamese national costume, now most commonly worn by women. The word
"o di" was originally applied to the outfit worn at the court of the Nguyn Lords at Hu in the 18th
century. In its current form, it is a tight-fitting silk tunic worn over pants. The dress was extremely popular
in South Vietnam in the 1960s and early 1970s. On Tt and other occasions, Vietnamese men may wear an
o gm (brocade robe), a version of the o di made of thicker fabric. Academic commentary on the o
di emphasizes the way the dress ties feminine beauty to Vietnamese nationalism, especially in the form of
"Miss o Di" pageants, popular both among overseas Vietnamese and in Vietnam itself.
Asoke (Thai: ) - A BTS Skytrain station, on the Sukhumvit Line. It is one of Bangkoks busiest
business district after Silom, home to glass-and-steel office buildings, high-end serviced apartments,
hotels and a range of stand-alone textile and furniture boutiques. It also connects with the MRT Sukhumvit
Station. The station is located on Sukhumvit Road at Asok Montri Road (Sukhumvit Soi 21), with an
interchange to Bangkok Metro Blue Line.
Ayumi Hamasaki (Chinese: Bing Qi Bu) - Japanese recording artist, lyricist, model, and actress.
Hamasaki has been dubbed the "Empress of J-Pop" because of her popularity and widespread influence in
Japan and throughout Asia.
B52s in the Desert - The B-52 cocktail is a layered shot composed of a coffee liqueur (Kahla), an Irish
cream (Baileys Irish Cream), and a triple sec (Grand Marnier). When prepared properly, the ingredients
separate into three distinctly visible layers (due to their relative densities). Variants include the B-52 with
Bomb Bay Doors, a B-52 with Bombay gin, the B-52 in the Desert, or a B-52 with a Mexican Tailgunner,
a B-52 with tequila rather than Bailey's Irish cream and the B-52 with a Full Payload, a B-52 with a 4th
layer of Frangelico and a 5th layer of Bacardi 151 rum lit on fire. B-55 is a B-52 with absinthe rather than
Triple Sec, also known as B-52 Gunship
Baan Saphan (Thai: ) - The natural beaches around Bang Saphan and Baan Krut and their very

reasonable resorts are just two secret getaways favoured by long-term expats in Thailand. Ideal to get
away from the crowds in Samui and Phuket.
Bai Ling (Chinese: ) - A Chinese-born American actress known for her work in films such as The
Crow and Anna and the King, in which she shaved off her hair, which was longer than 36 inches (90 cm)
for the role. She is widely known in Thailand as "Tuptim", her character's name from the film, even
though the movie is officially banned because of its depiction of the King of Siam. She filmed scenes for
Star Wars Episode III: Revenge of the Sith, but her role was cut during editing. She claimed that this was
because she posed nude in the June 2005 issue of Playboy magazine, whose appearance on news stands
coincided with the movie's May 2005 release. She is a favourite with many old China hands as she
portrayed Coco in the film version of Shanghai Baby, a tale that many of us lived through when we were
first in China.
Baidu (Chinese: ) - A Chinese web services company headquartered in the Baidu Campus in Haidian
District in Beijing. It is Chinas equivalent to Google, offering a Chinese language-search engine for
websites, audio files, and images. While access to Wikipedia has been intermittently blocked or certain
articles filtered in China since June 2004, there is some controversy about the degree to which Baidu
cooperates with Chinese government censorship
Bai-hua (Chinese: ) - The mandarin translation of the official Cantonese vernacular dialect, also
known as Guangdonghua.
Baise (Chinese: ) - The westernmost prefecture-level city of the Guangxi Zhuang Autonomous
Region, People's Republic of China, bordering Vietnam as well as the provinces of Guizhou and Yunnan.
Baise is young by Chinese standards and was founded as a town in 1730. It is the town where Deng
Xiaoping, Chen Haoren and other leaders of the Chinese Communist Party organized an uprising against
the Nationalist government on December 11, 1929. The uprising was also named Youjiang Rebellion. In
the local Zhuang script, Baise is written Bwzswz.
Banglampoo (Thai: ) - A largely Thai area of Bangkok that is squeezed in between the Chao
Phraya River and the Khaosan Road tourist ghetto.
Basil - Basil Fawlty is the main character of the British sitcom Fawlty Towers, played by John Cleese.
Basil has become an iconic British comedy character, despite only twelve half-hour episodes ever being
made.
Bennos - A slang term for one of the UKs most popular brands of cigarette, Bensons and Hedges, often
purchased in large duty free quantities by British holiday makers abroad. Notable by their gold packets,
they are very often seen in the mitts of San and Tray types of Viz fame.
Brick Bar One of the best live music venues in all of Bankgok, and one that takes some beating in the
rest of Asia too. Bands used to be exclusively ska music but some variety is now being introduced.
Bronze Moustache (Chinese: ) - The Bronze Moustache case began when a desperate husband posted
an instant message of over 5,000 words on the forum of the Chinese commercial Web site for "World of
Warcraft," where Bronze Moustache and his wife (Web name Quiet Moon) had engaged in an online roleplaying game. The angry husband denounced Bronze Moustache, whom he suspected of having an affair
with his wife. The public's response on the Internet quickly climbed to about 100,000 hits a day. The
identity of the Bronze Moustache (a student at Yanshan University), his home phone number and much of
his private information quickly became public. He was forced to leave his university due to harassment

and later had to barricade himself into his parents home as they were laid besieged by angry netizens.
Bruce Leung (Chinese: ) - An actor who has appeared in many Hong Kong martial arts movies
often as one of the Bruce Lee clones that sprang up after Lee's death in the sub-genre known as
Bruceploitation. Leung he made a return to the screen in 2004 as The Beast in Stephen Chow's Kung Fu
Hustle.
- pe sua) - A Tinglish term for a person that sleeps around, often used by Thais to
Butterfly (Thai:
describe sex tourists on holiday binges. Sometimes also known as plate spinners.
Cambodian Chicken Shacks - The chicken farm is a term used by the sexpat community to describe the
local P4P (Pay for Play) scene. It is usually a row of huts and shacks set up along a dirt road on the edge
of town. Each shack will have a selection of girls outside. Interiors are often little better than a cow shed.
Cambodian port towns especially have the reputation of being rough places, and Sihanoukville's port zone
is no exception. The area around the port known as the Chicken Farm, or Phum Thmei (New Village) in
Khmer, a stretch of wooden shack brothels, on a muddy road, where all the brothels girls sit out front of
their shacks on plastic chairs, under blinking red lights, and beckon passers by for rough and raw sex for a
few dollars. But even this is an improvement on the semi-mythical chicken shacks, which were large unlit
barns where customers would pay a few bucks for a session of anonymous free-for-all inside.
Cha Am Beach (Thai: ) - Cha-am is a resort town on the Gulf of Thailand, near Hua Hin. Cha-am is
an extremely popular destination for Thai day trippers and weekenders, due to it's long strip of beach and
it's relatively inexpensive seafood. The area is also home to a sizable amount of expats, mainly
Scandinavians.
Chang - (Thai: ) a brand of beer brewed in Thailand by ThaiBev Beer Chang, a pale lager. Chang is
the Thai word for elephant, an animal with cultural and historical significance in Thailand. The logo
features two elephants facing each other.
Changsha (Chinese: ) - The capital and largest city of Hunan Province in south-central People's
Republic of China, located on the lower reaches of the Xiang River, a branch of the Yangtze River.
Changsha was the site of Mao Zedong's conversion to communism. It was the scene of major battles in the
Sino-Japanese War of 193745 and was briefly occupied by the Japanese. Rebuilt since 1949, the city is
now a major interior port and a commercial and industrial center.
Chao Phraya River (Thai:
) A major river in Thailand, with its low alluvial plain forming
the centre of the country. It flows through Bangkok and then into the Gulf.
Chaozhou (Chinese: ) - Alternatively transliterated Chiuchow or Chaochow, is a city in eastern
Guangdong province of the People's Republic of China.
Chatchai Market - The central market on Dechanuchit Road in Hua Hin which expands into a tourist night
market every evening complete with street food, fake Dr Beats headphones, Tiger Beer t-shirts and all the
other mix that goes with it.
Chatuchak Weekend Market (Thai: ) - One of the world's largest weekend markets covering an
area of 30 acres with more than 15,000 booths selling goods from every part of Thailand. It has over
200,000 visitors each day
Chengdu (Chinese: ) - Chengdu, formerly romanized as Chengtu, is the provincial capital of Sichuan
province in Southwest China, as well as a major city in Western China. According to the 2010 census,

Chengdu is the fourth most populous city in mainland China, and most populous among prefecture-level
cities as well. More than 250 Fortune 500 companies and 10 consulates have established branches in
Chengdu due to huge demand of Western China.
Chi Sin (Cantonese ) - A slang term which is roughly the same as you are crazy in English.
Chinglish - Refers to spoken or written English language that is influenced by the Chinese language. The
term "Chinglish" is commonly applied to ungrammatical or nonsensical English in Chinese contexts, and
may have pejorative or deprecating connotations.
Chok Di (Thai: ) - Good luck.
Chongqing (Chinese: ) - Former official name: Chungking is a major city in Southwest China and one
of the five national central cities in the People's Republic of China (PRC). Administratively, it is one of
the PRC's four direct-controlled municipalities (the other three are Beijing, Shanghai and Tianjin), and the
only such municipality in inland China; a July 2012 report by the Economist Intelligence Unit named it one
of China's 13 emerging megacities.
Chongwu (Chinese: ) - A town of Hui'an County, Quanzhou City, Fujian Province, on a peninsula
jutting into Taiwan Strait. The town's historical center, the Old Chongwu Fortress is a walled city dating
to the late 14th century. The traditional Hui'an County vernacular architecture, making heavy use of the
local granite, is largely preserved within the walled city.
Chun Jie (Chinese: ) - An approximate Anglicisation of the Mandarin term for Chinese New Year
Cowboy - Soi Cowboy is a red-light district in Bangkok. A short (400 meter long) street with some forty
or more bars, it is similar to Nana Plaza and Patpong and caters mainly to tourists. Named after the late T.
G. "Cowboy" Edwards, a retired American airman who opened one of the first bars there in 1977. A tall
African-American, Edwards got his nickname because he often wore a cowboy hat.
Da Fan (Chinese: ) - A slang mandarin term for a large expensive digital camera
Dayaoshan (Chinese: ) - A subtropical isolated forest, 2,000 3000 metres high in the mountains
at the headwaters of the Pearl River that provides habitat for many endangered species and is a source of
vital water to Guangzhou and Hong Kong. Its verdant slopes which are hidden all year round by fog and
mist, are the home of the Yao minority group. In Guangxi Province, there are 30 different branches of the
Yao minority group. Within the Dayaoshan mountains there are five different branches. Dayaoshan is rich
in biodiversity, with one of the highest number of plant species in the Guangxi Autonomous Region. But
these ecological riches do not translate into financial wealth for the overwhelming majority of the people
living in or around Dayaoshan, nearly 22 percent of whom are living in poverty. Unfortunately this is not a
problem specific to Dayaoshan the majority of Chinas poor people live in and around nature reserves.
Don Mueang International Airport (Thai: ) - One of two international airports
serving Bangkok, and is considered to be one of the world's oldest international airports and Asia's oldest
operating airport. It was officially opened as a Royal Thai Air Force base on 27 March 1914, although it
had been in use earlier. Commercial flights began in 1924. Don Mueang Airport closed in 2006 following
the opening of Bangkok's new Suvarnabhumi Airport, before opening again after renovation on 24 March
2007, off and on. Since the opening of the new airport, it has become a regional commuter flight hub and
the de facto low cost airline hub since 2012.
Dongbei (Chinese: ) - Better known to foreigners as Manchuria, even though few venture up to

Chinas northernmost arm, due to its reputation as an inhospitable wasteland: Although it is uncertain
where God created paradise, wrote a French priest when he was here in 1846, we can be sure he chose
some other place than this. Yet, with its immense swaths of fertile fields and huge mineral resources,
Dongbei is metaphorically a treasure house. Comprising Liaoning, Jilin and Heilongjiang provinces, it is
economically and politically among the most important regions of China, and, for much of its history, the
areas has been fiercely contested by Manchus, Nationalists, Russians, Japanese and Communists.
Dongguan (Chinese: ) - A sprawling factory boomtown in the Pearl River Delta. Dongguan borders
the provincial capital of Guangzhou to the north, Shenzhen to the south, and the Pearl River to the west,
with a reputation as China's Sin City. Some ten per cent of Dongguan's population is said to be employed
in the world's oldest profession. A staggering 300,000 sex workers are thought to ply their trade in
thousands of side-street massage parlours, exclusive hotels, spas and neon-lit karaoke bars. Dongguan has
more then 30 government-rated 5-star hotels so business is clearly excellent. Between 500,000 and
800,000 people some 10 per cent of Dongguan's migrant population are in some way connected to the
sex industry, according to Hong Kong's South China Morning Post. It is also home to one of the world's
largest, though largely empty, shopping malls, New South China Mall, as the developers forgot to build an
access road to the highway. Taxis are the most common form of transportation but are often used for
kidnapping. There is also an Opium War Museum where outright lies and propaganda are used to rewrite
Chinas economic past.
Dr. Furtwngler - Wilhelm Furtwngler (pronounced Fartfengler) was a German conductor and composer.
He is considered to be one of the greatest symphonic and operatic conductors of the 20th century.
Furtwngler was principal conductor of the Berlin Philharmonic between 1922 and 1945, and from 1952
until 1954. Despite these accomplishments, he remains popular to many due to his hilarious name, which
has amazing comedic value.
Dudou (Chinese: literally stomach cover) - This handkerchief-size garment is a type of ancient
Chinese underwear, a bra alternative first worn in the Ming and Qing Dynasties. Unlike bras today, the
dudou was worn to flatten the breasts as flat-chested women were thought to be graceful while busty
women were considered a temptation. A dudou resembles a small square or diamond shaped apron. They
are backless and have strings that tie around the neck and back and are made of brightly colored silk or
crepe and are sometimes embellished with embroidered flowers and butterflies. Designs of tigers,
scorpions, snakes and geckos were embroidered to ward off evil spirits. Themes of love, such as lotus
and pairs of mandarin ducks, were also common. Some dudou have a pocket in which to keep ginger,
musk or other Chinese medicinal herbs believed to keep the belly warm. International fashion designers
including Versace and Miu Miu have created their own versions, with Versus designing a dudou of pink
leather. Very small tops such as dudous need to be worn with long trousers or a long skirt to look elegant
and achieve some balance.
Dui Bu Dui (Chinese: ) - A Chinese question meaning, Isnt that correct?
Ekamai BTS Station (Thai: ) - With one foot still in the old Bangkok of yesteryear and another in a
world defined by the global culture, this is where mom-and-pop-style shop-houses meet a new wave of
chic eateries and home to some of Bangkoks most upmarket nightlife. For travelling to the eastern part
of Thailand, popular tourist sites like Pattaya, Koh Chang or Koh Samet, Ekamai bus terminal is an
essential transfer station.
Elephant and Cardomons - The Krvanh Mountains, literally the "Cardamom Mountains" (is a mountain
range in the south west of Cambodia and Eastern Thailand. The largely inaccessible range formed one of

the last strongholds of the Khmer Rouge, driven out by Vietnamese forces during the Cambodian
Vietnamese War. The Thai border to the west acted as a conduit for Chinese support and, eventually, a
sanctuary for fleeing Khmer fighters and refugees. The inaccessibility of the hills also helped to preserve
the area. One of the largest and still mostly unexplored forests in South East Asia, it is separated from
other rainforests in the region by the large Khorat Plateau to the north. Most of the region is covered in
evergreen rain forest that has allowed a rich variety of wildlife to thrive, although the Cardamom and
Elephant Mountains are poorly researched and the wildlife that is assumed to be here remains to be
catalogued. They are thought to be home to over a hundred mammals such as the Large Indian Civet and
Banteng cattle. Most importantly the mountains are thought to shelter at least sixty two globally threatened
animal species and seventeen globally threatened trees, many of them endemic to Cambodia. Among the
animals are fourteen endangered and threatened mammal species, including the largest population of
Asian elephants in Cambodia and possibly the whole of Indochina. Other mammals, many of which are
threatened, include the Indochinese Tiger, the Clouded Leopard, the Gaur, the Banteng, the Kting Voar, the
Malayan Sun Bear, the Sumatran Serow and the Sunda Pangolin.
Emporium - A luxury shopping mall in Khlong Toei district, Bangkok, Thailand, which opened in 1997. It
is owned and operated by The Mall Group and another mall, Siam Paragon. It is located on Sukhumvit
Road at Sukhumvit Soi 24 beside Queen's Park and connected directly to the Phrom Phong Station on the
Sukhumvit Line of the BTS Skytrain by a footbridge.
Erhu (Chinese: ) - This is a two-stringed bowed musical instrument, sometimes known in the
Western world as the "Chinese violin" or a "Chinese two-stringed fiddle". It is the most popular of the
huqin family of traditional bowed string instruments used by various ethnic groups of China.
Farang (Thai: ) This is a generic Thai word for someone of European ancestry, no matter where they
may come from. It is generally believed that the word originated with the Persian word farang ( )or
farang (), meaning "Frank, European". In Ethiopia faranji means white/European people. In either
case the original word was pronounced paranki ( ) in Malayalam, parangiar in Tamil, and entered
Khmer as barang and Malay as ferenggi. From there the term spread into China as folangji (),
which was used to refer to the Portuguese and their breech-loading swivel guns when they first arrived in
China. Farang is also the Thai word for the guava fruit, introduced by Portuguese traders over 400 years
ago, which of course can lead to jokes when foreigners are seen eating a guava in Thailand. Farang khi
nok (Thai: ) is a particular variety of guava, feijoa. Scruffy Westerners, especially backpackers,
may also be called Farang khi nok. This means "bird-shit farang", as khi means waste and nok means
(wild) bird; but, while khi nok can mean guano.
Foothills The area of western China that climbs from the sweaty coastal ports all the way up to the
beginning of the Tibetan plateau. This can cover much of Yunnan as well as parts of Guizhou and Guangxi.
Foshan (Chinese: ) - A prefecture-level city in central Guangdong province, People's Republic of
China. A rough part of the province which continues to produce the kind of Tu haos that give ordinary
Chinese such a bad reputation.
Fu Poh - A slang term originally from Singapore describing a rich older woman.
Funan - A common pronunciation of Hunan by natives, the Chinese province which supplies so many
immigrant workers to cities like Guangzhou and Shenzhen.
Gan Bei (Chinese: ) - The Chinese for "cheers" (literally "drink it all").

Gaysorn - Gaysorn Shopping Centre (pronounced Gay-sawn) is a shopping mall located on the
Ratchaprasong shopping district, in Bangkok, Thailand.
George Town - The capital of the state of Penang in Malaysia. Named after Britain's King George III,
George Town is located on the north-east corner of Penang Island. The inner city of George Town is a
UNESCO World Heritage Site.
Gigi Chow - The daughter of Cecil Chao Sze-Tsung, a Hong Kong billionaire who is the owner of Cheuk
Nang Holdings Ltd. In 2012, Chao gained international attention when he offered $65 million to any man
who could convince his lesbian daughter, Gigi, to marry him. Despite criticism, Cecil Chao remains
unrepentant. In 2014 Cecil Chao increased his offer to $80 million to the man who would marry his
daughter. The irony is that Chao himself claims to have slept with over 10,000 women, and yet he is now
going crazy knowing that his daughter wants to sleep with just one.
Go-Go - A type of bar featuring go-go dancers, primarily sex workers who dance to get customers
attention in the hope that they will be barfined out of the bar and given an opportunity to make some real
money. For gogo dancers, dancing is very much a secondary part of their job and often something they put
less effort into, hence the term the Bangkok shuffle. Coyote dancers on the other hand, have long been a
feature of upmarket Thai-style clubs and nightspots. They can be found in venues frequented exclusively
by men but are just as likely to be seen in discos and bars, venues equally popular with males and
females. Typically, coyotes are genuinely attractive girls who can dance with skill, enthusiasm and
energy. It is their job to entertain. Some are semi-professional dancers with formal dance training. Unlike
gogo girls, coyote girls do not show. Never. Not even a nipple. Even so, they are young, pretty, full of
energy and show up regular gogo girls to be the sloths that they are.
Guangxi (Chinese: ) - Officially Guangxi Zhuang Autonomous Region (GZAR), is a Chinese
autonomous region in South Central China, bordering Vietnam. Guangxi's location, in mountainous terrain
in the far south of China, has placed it on the frontier of Chinese civilization throughout much of China's
history. The current name "Guang" means "expanse" and is still one of the poorer provinces, despite it
being one of the most spectacular in terms of scenery.
Guangzhou Trade Fair (China Import and Export Fair - Chinese: ) - Also known
as Canton Fair ( which is often abbreviated to ). The largest trade fair in China held
in the spring and autumn seasons each year since the spring of 1957 in Guangzhou.
Guilin (Chinese: ) - A prefecture-level city in the northeast of the Guangxi Zhuang Autonomous
Region, China, situated on the west bank of the Li River, and bordering Hunan to the north. Its name
means, "Forest of Sweet Osmanthus", owing to the large number of fragrant Osmanthus trees located in the
city. The city has long been renowned for its scenery of karst topography and is one of China's most
popular travel destinations. Recently it has become a tourist trap and savvy travellers prefer Yangshuo
and Liuzhou further to the south.
Gweillo (Cantonese: ) - literally, ghost man, or white devil. A derogatory Cantonese term for
Caucasians. Gwai poh is the female version of gwai louh and gwai jai is the demonic offspring of these
foreign devils.
Hakka (Chinese: ) - One of the major Chinese language subdivisions or varieties, spoken natively by
the Hakka people in southern China, Taiwan and throughout the diaspora areas of East Asia, Southeast
Asia and around the world but is not mutually intelligible with Mandarin.

Haam Sap Lo (Cantonese: ) - One of the most useful words in any woman's vocabulary is the
Cantonese term 'ham sap' which means pervert or sex maniac. Haam (): Salty, fishy, perspiration, or
unwashed clothes. Sap (): Wet, moist, damp. Like trembling pervert hands, or sweaty armpits. Lo ():
male individual. Man, male person, dude.
Head Shaking (Chinese: ) - In China, Ecstasy is known as the "shake-head pill," and clubs are
always filled with youngsters violently thrashing their heads about, despite the fact that they have
probably unknowingly purchased aspirin. Ephedrine (Chinese: ) is widely available and abused in
China because ephedra, the plant from which ephedrine is derived, is native to southern China (and used
in traditional Chinese medicine.). Therefore the production and export of Ice (Chinese: crystal
methamphetamine) is a massive industry and use is growing by leaps and bounds in China.
Hefei (Chinese: ) - Formerly known as Ho-fei, Luzhou, or Luchow is the capital and largest city of
Anhui Province in Eastern China. One of Chinas notorious four furnaces.
Hi Nam Sai Suay (Thai: ) - Along with Star Planet and Stepz, these are three of the largest
Thai-style nightclubs in Hua Hin. Hin Nam has a rather poor reputation, as it seems to attract mainly older
Thai males looking for younger girls.
Hi So - A Hi So Thai is usually a person whose family background is very wealthy, wealth gained over a
prolonged period of time. They have or have had high ranking family members in the government system
or military. The have holiday homes in Hua Hin and when stopped by the Thai police, they just need to
make one phone call before they are back on their way doing whatever it is they shouldnt be. Having
light colored skin, good Tinglish and a fancy hand bag or education does not automatically make a hi-so
but they are all important signs. Leaving the country to study abroad and a Chinese ancestry are often key
signifiers. Tosspots who brag Do you know who my father is? are usually posers rather than the real
deal.
Hikikomori - Literally "pulling inward, being confined", i.e., "acute social withdrawal") is a Japanese
term referring to the phenomenon of reclusive adolescents or adults who withdraw from social life, often
seeking extreme degrees of isolation and confinement. The term hikikomori refers to both the sociological
phenomenon in general as well as to people belonging to this societal group. Hikikomori have been
described as recluses, loners, or "modern-day hermits."
Hokkien (Chinese - ) - A group of mutually intelligible Min Nan Chinese dialects (Minanhua) spoken
by many overseas Chinese throughout South East Asia. Hokkien originated from a dialect in southern
Fujian. It is closely related to the Teochew dialect, though mutual comprehension is difficult, and is
somewhat more distantly related to Hainanese. To clarify, besides Hokkien, there are also other dialects
in Fujian province. In turn there are different varieties of Hokkien spoken by migrs of different parts of
Asia, These include Singaporean Hokkien, Penang Hokkien and even Medan Hokkien.
Hongkie - A Chinese expatriate term for a Hong Kong resident, clearly different from the black term for
whites honky.
Hualamphong (Thai: ) - The location of the Bangkok Train Station as well as a metro
station that serves Yarowat and Chinatown.
Huangcaoba - The old name of Xingyi, a town that like most of Guizhou, is covered by rugged mountains.
The rivers of south western Guizhou flow south east into the West River system, which enters the sea at
Canton, but they are not navigable until well into Guangxi province. Therefore, until the twentieth century,

all transport to and from Xingyi went by human bearers or pack animals along well-worn paths. In the
eighteenth century, Huangcaoba was already a well-established marketing centre for local products from
the forests and mines of south western Guizhou and eastern Yunnan. During the nineteenth century, the
content of this inter-provincial trade underwent some important changes. Opium was introduced to south
western Guizhou at the end of the eighteenth century and eventually became the main product exported out
of Huangcaoba. Most commercial transactions were conducted by barter, with opium serving as the most
frequent medium of exchange.
Huizhou (Chinese: ) A city located in central Guangdong province of the People's Republic of China.
Part of the Pearl River Delta, Huizhou borders the provincial capital of Guangzhou to the west. Perhaps
most famous in the West for its crass rip-off of the Austrian town of Halstadtt.
Isaan girls - Short, dark skinned and often uneducated, poor Isaan girls do not stand a chance from the
moment they are born. They are shunned as second class citizens by their villages because of their gender,
and third class citizens by the rest of Thailand because of the region they were born in. They make up a
large percentage of the bar girl population and can often be seen being paraded around by their European
customers.
Jie-Jie (Chinese: ) - Chinese for older sister, often used by best girlfriends who consider themselves
to as close as sisters. In contrast, a younger girlfriend would be called a Meimei.
Kalamazoo - A railroad car powered by its passengers, or by people pushing the car from behind. It is
mostly used as a maintenance vehicle or mining car, but it was also used for passenger service in some
cases. A typical design consists of an arm, called the walking beam, that pivots, seesaw-like, on a base,
which the passengers alternately push down and pull up to move the car.
Katoey (Thai: ) - Refers to either a transgender woman or an effeminate gay male in Thailand. A
significant number of Thais perceive katoeys as belonging to a third gender, including many katoeys
themselves. The word katoey is of Khmer origin. It is most often rendered as ladyboy in English
conversation with Thais and this latter expression has become popular across South East Asia.
Kep Tang Duay Krap/Ka (Thai:
/ ) - Both chek bin ( ) and kep tang may be used when
asking to settle your bill at a bar or restaurant. Its more common to hear check bin in bars and kep tang in
restaurants, but both should be understood. Dont forget your khap or ka at the end of it; check bin khap
(if you are male) check bin ka (if you are female). Otherwise try "mai mee tung" (I ain't got no money...)
Khampa - The people of Kham are a fierce warrior race but for reasons of simplicity, the Chinese
government combines the various ethnic groups of Kham together with the Tibetans to form one big
nationality, called the "Tibetan Nationality". There are, however, significant differences in traditions and
beliefs - even physical appearance - between the peoples of Kham and Lhasa. Both men and women have
imposing appearances and spectacular traditional costumes, with the men competing in horse racing and
archery. Many still follow traditional yak-herding routes and are often accompanied by enormous Tibetan
mastiffs.
Khrap and Ka - This is a polite syllable that has no real direct translation in English. Men say khap
(sometimes khrap, but in everyday speech it usually becomes khap) and women say ka. If you listen to
Thai people speak you will hear it frequently at the end of sentences. Its use denotes manners and respect,
so get in the habit of using it if you are learning any Thai, even if its just for your 2 week holiday or
vacation.

Khlong (Thai: ) - The general name for a canal in Thailand, but is not limited to artificial canals.
Many smaller rivers are referred to as "khlong", followed by the name of the stream. Historically, the
Thai capital Bangkok was criss-crossed by khlongs, which were used for transportation and for floating
markets, but also for sewage disposal. Today, most of the khlongs of Bangkok have been filled in,
although the Thonburi side of Bangkok (covering areas west of Chao Phraya River) still retains several of
its larger khlongs.
Khlong Lod (Thai: ) - a reincarnation of the market at Sanam Luang, is dedicated to food and
second-hand goods. The market runs from the corner of Rattanakosin Hotel on Ratchadamnoen Klang
Road, down along Trok Sake (Sake Lane) and all the way to the Golden Mount (Wat Saket). Instead of
rows of vendors, its more like a labyrinth where you just get lost in a complex maze of product displays.
Under dim lights and parasols, merchandise is displayed in no particular order or category. Alongside
clothing and shoes, you have books, old radios, motorcycle parts, remote-controlled toys and electric
guitars. Drinks stands, snacks and grilled meat skewers vendors are randomly wedged in between. Then
there are the usual finds, such as T-shirts, sneakers, fashion accessories and handmade trinkets. The
market can get very crowded, particularly during festivals and special days such as Loy Krathong,
Fathers Day or New Year.
Khop Khun Ma Krap (Thai: ) - Thank you very much
Khun (Thai: ) - This is another polite word that precedes a persons name and can also be used when
trying to attract somebodys attention. Thai people do not usually address people by their surname. Instead
they use the first name preceded by the title khun. So if your name is David Smith you will probably be
referred to as Khun David or even Mister David. If you return the compliment you will immediately win
respect. For instance, the receptionist at your hotel has a name badge which says Noy. If you want to say
good morning, use a big smile and say Sawatdee khap/ka khun Noy. If you are at a restaurant and want
to get the attention of the waiter or waitresses you can say khun khap or khun ka. This is very polite
and will be appreciated. If you listen to Thai people calling to the waiter or waitress you will probably
hear them say something entirely different. Phrases like nong, pii or nuu may be used depending on
the age of the person whose attention they are seeking. These terms are also polite but are very Thai and
they can be a minefield of embarrassment if you get them wrong, which I have experienced on many
occasions.
King Cat - Elvis Presley was translated as (Mao Wang or Cat King) in Chinese language It was
much easier that transliterating his name () and stems from his early career when he
was called The Hill Billy Cat.
Klang - Ratchadamnoen Avenue (Thai: ) is a historic road in the Phra Nakhon and Dusit
Districts of Bangkok, Thailand, that was commissioned by King Chulalongkorn following his first visit to
Europe in 1897 and consists of three segments, named Ratchadamnoen Nai, Ratchadamnoen Klang and
Ratchadamnoen Nok (the Inner, Middle and Outer Ratchadamnoen, respectively). Inspired by the Champslyses and other European boulevards, the King used the road as a route for grand royal parades
(Ratchadamnoen literally means "royal procession"), which served to project images of a modern
monarchy. The avenue has been the site of many demonstrations, including the 1973 student uprising as
well as more recent political rallies.
Khlong Toei - (also Klong Toey, Thai: ) is a district in central Bangkok, long known for its slums.
It is bordered by the Chao Phraya River and contains major port facilities. It is also the location of a
major market, though not one of touristic importance. The market offers low prices on raw meat, seafood,

farm produce, and a few other items. In January 2010 CNN listed it as one of the most authentic markets
in Bangkok as well as a place to avoid when hung over.
Krung Thep This is the Thai name for Bangkok, the full term being Krung Thep Maha Nakhon
( )
Kunming (Chinese: ) - Kunming is the capital and largest city in Yunnan Province, Southwest China.
Known as Yunnan-Fu (, Ynnnf) until the 1920s, today it is a prefecture-level city and the
political, economic, communications and cultural centre of the province as well as the seat of the
provincial government. It was important during World War II as a Chinese military center, American air
base, and transport terminus for the Burma Road. Located in the middle of the Yunnan-Guizhou Plateau,
Kunming is located at an altitude of 1,900 metres (6,234 feet) above sea level. Positioned near the border
with Southeastern Asian countries, serving as a transportation hub in Southwest China, linking by rail to
Vietnam and by road to Burma and Laos. This positioning also makes it an important trade centre in this
region of the nation.
Land of Smiles - An affectionate name for Thailand often used by expats and regularly shortened to LOS.
Langkawi - The Jewel of Kedah is an archipelago of 104 islands in the Andaman Sea, some 30 km off the
mainland coast of northwestern Malaysia. The islands are a part of the state of Kedah, which is adjacent
to the Thai border. Langkawi is a duty-free island.
Lao Ban Niang (Chinese: ) - The female proprietor or literally boss's wife
Li Na (Chinese: ) - The daughter of Mao Zedong and his fourth wife Jiang Qing, and their only child
together. Her surname is Li rather than Mao, because her father used the pseudonym "Li Desheng" for a
period of time during the Chinese Civil War.
Liuzhou (Chinese: ) - A prefecture-level city in north-central Guangxi Zhuang Autonomous Region,
People's Republic of China. Unknown to most tourists, it is more fashionable that the capital Nanning and
much less of a rip-off than Guilin.
Louise Brooks - An American dancer and actress from the silent era, noted for popularizing the bobbed
haircut.
Lumphini (Thai: ) - One of the 169 sub-districts (khwaeng) of Bangkok, covering the area around the
Lumphini Park. Some of the major features are Lumphini Park, the Suan Lum Night Bazaar, and the
Lumphini Boxing Stadium, the centre of the Muay Thai (kickboxing) world. Lumphini is the Thai spelling
for Lumbini, the birthplace of Buddha in Nepal.
Maidan (Chinese: ) - Actually a Cantonese word that has slipped into Mandarin, which means the
equivalent of check please.
MBK (Thai: ) - A large shopping mall in Bangkok often abbreviated from Mahboonkrong to
MBK. At eight stories high, the centre contains around 2,000 shops, restaurants and service outlets, and
reports daily visitor numbers of more than 100,000, half of whom are young Thai people and the rest
foreign visitors.
Mianyang (Chinese: ) - The second largest prefecture-level city of Sichuan province in Southwest
China.

Monger - Whoremonger - One who habitually patronizes prostitutes. Most farangs in Thailand are
generally seen as guilty until otherwise proven innocent.
Montri (Thai: ) - A shortened form of Asok Montri Road (Thai: ) also know as
Sukhumvit Soi 21
MRT (Thai: ) - The Metropolitan Rapid Transit or MRT is a rapid transit system serving
the Bangkok Metropolitan Region in Thailand. The first section of the Blue Line between Hua Lamphong
and Bang Sue opened in 2004 as Bangkok's second public transit system. The MRT has 18 operational
stations along 20 kilometers (12 miles) of underground route. The Blue Line, officially the Chaloem
Ratchamongkhon Line, is the only line currently in operation.
Nakhon Pathom (Thai: ) - A city just south of Bangkok, which also houses a campus of Silpakorn
University within the Sanam Chan Palace.
Nam Manao (Thai: ) - Iced lime juice, extremely refreshing in Thailands tropical climate.
Nana (Thai: ) - Officially known as the The Nana Entertainment Plaza of Bangkok, recently
becoming better known as Banana Plaza due to the large number of glamorous transvestite hookers.
Nanhai (Chinese: ) - prefecture-level city in central Guangdong province, People's Republic of
China.
Nanjing Lu (Chinese: ) - Nanjing Road is the main shopping street of Shanghai, and is one of the
world's busiest shopping streets.
Nanning (Chinese: ) - The capital of the Guangxi Zhuang Autonomous Region in southern China.
Nit Noi (Thai: ) - "A little bit" Some soldiers brought back this word from Thailand during the
Vietnam War, while on R&R.
Nok Yollada (Thai: "" ) - A Thai politician and celebrity. Previous to entering politics,
she had been a model and beauty queen, and was a member of the pop group Venus Flytrap, where she
performed under the name "Nok". She is a transgender woman and founded and chairs the TransFemale
Association of Thailand, which advocates for transgender rights.
Nong Poy (Thai: ) - A successful Thai actress, singer and model. She is a post-op ladyboy although
unlike many transgenders, she did not have any facial plastic surgery on her face. Winner of the Miss
Tiffanys Universe a beauty contest for transgendered people held annually in Pattaya,
O Bu Ok? (Chinese: OOK?) - A very casual way of saying Is that OK or not? in Chinese.
OCBs - A popular brand of rolling papers.
Oolong (Chinese:) - A traditional Chinese tea produced through a unique process including withering
the plant under the strong sun and oxidation before curling and twisting. Oolong is especially popular with
tea connoisseurs of south China and Chinese expatriates in Southeast Asia, as is the Fujian preparation
process known as the Gongfu tea ceremony. Several sub-varieties of oolong, including those produced in
the Wuyi Mountains of northern Fujian, such as Da Hong Pao, are among the most famous Chinese teas.
The name oolong tea came into the English language from the Chinese name (Chinese: ), meaning
"black dragon".

Oriental - The Mandarin Oriental Hotel in Bangkok stands on its own in terms of prestige, history and
colonial charm. Over 100 years old, the Orientals riverside grandeur and high tea in the Mandarin
Oriental's library is one of Bangkok life's major dining pleasures. The older Author's Wing retains its
magical aura of antiquity with its picturesque parlors, each named for a scribe they once hosted, including
Noel Coward, Somerset Maugham, Norman Mailer, Joseph Conrad and Ernest Hemingway. Built in 1876
and still the classiest hotel in the Thai capital, the Oriental is opulent and historic international luxury
with local touches fine Thai fabrics and teak furniture.
Osmel Sousa - A Cuban-born president of the Miss Venezuela Organization. He has been called "The
Czar of Beauty" for his role in producing Venezuela's large number of beauty queens. During his thirty
year career he has been considered to be the driving force behind the large number of Miss Venezuelas
who go on to become Miss World, Miss Universe, Miss International and Miss Earth. To date, Venezuela
has had seven Miss Universe titleholders, six Miss World winners, six Miss International crowns, and
two wins in Miss Earth, becoming the most successful pageant powerhouse in history.
Over-The-Bridge Noodles (Chinese: ) - One of the most well-known dishes in Yunnan cuisine
where the noodles and other ingredients are kept separate until served. The process is similar to crossing
a bridge between bowls, and hence it is called "crossing-the-bridge" noodles.
Pad Thai (Thai: ) - A stir-fried rice noodle dish commonly served as a street food and at casual
local eateries in Thailand. It is made with soaked dried rice noodles, which are stir-fried with eggs and
chopped firm tofu, and flavored with tamarind pulp, fish sauce, dried shrimp, garlic or shallots, red chili
pepper and palm sugar, and served with lime wedges and often chopped roast peanuts.
Panyu (Chinese: ) - A district of Guangzhou, the capital of Guangdong province in southern China. It
was formerly a county-level city before it became a district of Guangzhou and was the old name of
present-day Guangzhou. It is one of the cheaper parts of the city and is home to a great many immigrant
workers.
Patpong (Thai: ) - While Patpong is internationally known as a red light district at the heart of
Bangkok's sex industry, it is in fact only one of numerous red-light districts, some catering primarily to
Thai men and some others, like Patpong, catering primarily to foreigners. A busy night market aimed at
tourists is also located in Patpong. Patpong gets its name from the family that owns much of the area's
property, the Patpongpanich, immigrants from Hainan Island, China, who purchased the area in 1946. By
1968, a handful of nightclubs existed in the area, and Patpong found some use as a R&R (Rest and
Recuperation) location for U.S. troops serving in the Vietnam War, although the main R&R area was
actually along New Petchburi Road. In its prime during the 1970s and 1980s, Patpong was the premier
nightlife area in Bangkok for foreigners, and was famous for its sexually explicit shows. In the mid 1980s
the sois hosted an annual Patpong Mardi Gras, which was a weekend street fair that raised considerable
money for Thai charities.
Penjing Girls - An affectionate term for even shorter than usual Cantonese girls. Penjing () is the
Mandarin translation of bonsai.
Phatthalung (Thai: ) - One of the southern provinces (changwat) of Thailand. Neighboring provinces
are Nakhon Si Thammarat, Songkhla, Satun and Trang
Phaya Thai (Thai: ) - A district in central Bangkok as well the name of a major road, and a BTS
Skytrain station, both of which are in the nearby Ratchathewi district. Phaya Thai station (Thai:
) is a rapid transit station of the Airport Rail Link BTS Sukhumvit Line.

Phetchburi (Thai: ) - Stretching all the way from the east side (called 'New Petchburi' or 'Petchburi
Tat Mai') to the west side of the city (just off Ratchathewi Road), Petchburi is probably one of the longest
roads in Bangkok. Be it shopping, eating out, fine accommodation hotels and, especially, serviced
apartments, the area is packed with all the essentials. Its best-known feature is undoubtedly Pantip Plaza,
an IT and electronics mall where you can literally find anything technology-related at unbeatable prices,
unless you live in the PRD.
Phetkasem Road (Thai: ) - Thailand Route 4 is one of the four major highways in Thailand.
At 1,274 km, it is the longest highway in Thailand. It begins at Naowa Chamnian bridge in Bangkok Yai,
Bangkok. It is named after Luang Phetkasemwithisawasdi, the seventh director general of the Department
of Highways. The provinces along the road are Samut Sakhon, Nakhon Pathom, Ratchaburi, Phetchaburi,
Prachuap Khiri Khan, Chumphon, Ranong, Phang Nga, Krabi, Trang, Phattalung and Songkhla, linked to
North-South Expressway (NSE) of Malaysia at Sadao pass where it connects to the North-South
Expressway, Malaysia
Phra Athit (Thai: ) - From the Phra Sumet Fort to the Phra Pinklao Bridge, the Phra Athit Road
runs parallel with the Chao Phraya River. There are many pubs and bars on this road. Phra Sumen Fort,
one of the two remaining forts of the original fourteen built under King Rama I, is in Santichaiprakarn
Park. The park is a fine place to sit and watch the river. Phra Athit Road itself is an interesting street with
buildings dating back more than a hundred years. It has some good cafs, and at night the street comes
alive with little bars and restaurants hosting live music. It is a favorite among university students.
Pinklao (Thai: ) Central Plaza Pinklao is a shopping mall on Borommaratchachonnani Road in
Bangkok Noi district.
PLA - The People's Liberation Army (Chinese: ) -The military of the People's Republic
of China (PRC) established on August 1, 1927. August 1 is celebrated annually as Chinese Workers and
Peasants Red Army Day. The PLA consists of four branches, with a strength of approximately 2,285,000
personnel, 0.18% of the country's population. The People's Liberation Army's insignia consists of a
roundel with a red star bearing the Chinese characters for Eight One, referring to August 1 (Chinese:
).
Prang - A prang is a tall tower-like spire, usually richly carved. They were a common shrine element of
Hindu and Buddhist architecture in the Khmer Empire. They were later adapted by Buddhist builders in
Thailand, especially during the Ayutthaya Kingdom (13501767) and Rattanakosin Kingdom (17821932). In Thailand it appears only with the most important Buddhist temples.
Pre Ops - A term used to described ladyboys that have yet to undergo SRS (sexual reassignment surgery)
i.e. pre-operation.
Prom Prong (Thai: ) - A BTS Skytrain station, on the Sukhumvit Line in Khlong Toei
District, Bangkok, Thailand. The station is located on Sukhumvit Road at Soi Phrom Phong (Sukhumvit
Soi 39), one of the areas in Bangkok which is sometimes called Little Japan with many Japanese
restaurants.
Putonghua (Chinese: ) - The Chinese term for standard Chinese language.
Qingyuan (Chinese: ) - A prefecture-level city in northwestern Guangdong province.
Qipao (Chinese: ) - A one-piece Chinese dresse that have been worn since the Manchu ruled China

in the 17th century. The original qipao was wide and baggy. The one-piece dress featured a high neck and
straight skirt. It covered all of a womans body except for her head, hands, and toes. The qipao was
traditionally made of silk and featured intricate embroidery. The qipao worn today are modeled after ones
made in Shanghai in the 1920s. The modern qipao is a one-piece, formfitting, floor length dress that has a
high slit on one or both sides. Modern variations may have bell sleeves or be sleeveless and are made out
of a variety of fabrics. In the 17th century, the qipao was worn nearly every day. Nowadays, the qipao is
worn during formal occasions like weddings, parties, and beauty pageants. The qipao is also used as a
uniform at restaurants, hotels, and on airplanes in Asia.
QQ - Tencent QQ, popularly known as QQ, is an instant messaging software service developed by
Chinese company Tencent Holdings Limited. QQ also offers a variety of services, including online social
games, music, shopping, microblogging, and group and voice chat. As of 20 March 2013, there are 798.2
million active QQ accounts, with a peak of 176.4 million simultaneous online QQ users.
Ram Buttri (Thai: ) - Part of Rambuttri runs parallel to Khaosan, but despite being located so
close by, these two streets are different worlds. Rambuttri gives a taste of how Bangkok used to look
before all the skyscrapers arrived. This street has a great mix of guesthouses, restaurants, bars and street
food stalls. Wat Chana Songkhram is a genuine working temple and the National Gallery includes some
brilliantly coloured oils painted by the reigning monarch in the 1960s.
Rama - The kings in the current Chakri dynasty of Thailand are often referred to as Rama followed by
Roman ordinal in English translation. The name Rama was adopted from the name of the Hindu god
Rama, an avatar of Vishnu. The use of the name 'Rama nth' is in line with Thai practice of giving number
to the king in the current dynasty.
Ratchawong (Thai: ) - This old pier was the point of entry for the early Chinese immigrants to
Bangkok since the reign of King Rama I (1782 1809).
Rayong (Thai: ) - A city located on the shore of the gulf of Thailand, in the east coast region.
Robert Fortune - A Scottish botanist, plant hunter and traveller, best known for introducing tea plants from
China to India in the nineteenth century.
Robinsons Department Store (Thai: ) - A Thai department store chain. It was
established in 1979 and was merged with Central Group in 1995. It is positioned as a mid-market retailer.
Roland - Roland Rat is a British television puppet character. Roland lived beneath King's Cross railway
station in The Ratcave. He had an infant brother called Little Reggie and had a girlfriend: Glenis the
Guinea Pig. His colleagues included dour Welsh technical whizz, Errol the Hamster
Rolf Harris - An Australian musician, singer-songwriter, composer, comedian, actor, painter and
television personality who often used unusual instruments in his performances including the didgeridoo,
the wobble board and even the Stylophone. During the 1960s and 1970s, Harris became a popular
television personality in the UK, but was recently found guilty on twelve charges of indecent assault
between 1969 and 1986, on four victims aged between 8 and 19 at the time, and was sentenced to a total
of five years and nine months in prison and stripped of many of the honours which he had been awarded
during his career.
Roti - In Indonesia and Malaysia the term encompasses all forms of bread, including western-style bread,
as well as the traditional Punjabi breads. In Thailand, "" refers to the maida parathaknown in

Indonesia as roti maryam, roti cane or roti konde, Malaysia as roti canai and in Singapore as roti prata
which is sometimes drizzled with condensed milk, rolled up, and eaten as a hot snack, or fried with egg as
a larger dish.
Royal Field - Also known as Sanam Luang (Thai: ) - An open field and public square in front
of Wat Phra Kaew and the Grand Palace, Bangkok, Thailand. It has been used as a site for the cremation
of kings, queens and high-ranking princes since the reign of King Rama I.
Royal Selangor - Royal Selangor is a Malaysian pewter manufacturer and retailer, the largest of its type
in the world.
Sabai Dee Mai? (Thai: ) - How are you?
Sala Daeng (Thai: ) - A BTS Skytrain station, on the Silom Line in Bang Rak District,
Bangkok. It is surrounded by financial center along Si Lom Road with towers and skyscrapers, and also
entertainment area of Patpong and Thaniya.
Sam Sen (Thai: ) An alternative to Khaosan Road, which is less touristy but with a good
selection of eateries and accommodation.
Sanam Luang See Royal Field
Sang Som (Thai: ) - A Thai rum distilled from sugarcane. Sang Som was introduced in November
1977 and has since become the dominant brand in the Thai spirits market. Over 70 million litres are sold
in Thailand each year, accounting for a market share of more than 70% in its category.
Sanya (Chinese: ) - The southernmost city on Hainan Island. The city is renowned for its tropical
climate and has emerged as a popular tourist destination although many visitors are amazed at this
achievement. While the beaches may not be as crowded as Fujiazhuang Beach in Dalian, where only one
toilet block serving 10,000 people or as dirty as Haina Beach - the Dominican Chernobyl, it is pretty
close. With all the surly Russians and contemptuous Chinese this is more like Blackpool but with more
hookers. Having been here far too many times already, I would now rather visit Gansbaai in South Africa
from April through to September and take my chances with a Great Whites.
Satay - A popular dish in Thailand, usually served with peanut sauce. Thai satay have various recipes,
such as chicken, beef, pork to vegetarian variants that employs soy protein strips or tofu. Satay can easily
found in virtually any Thai restaurant worldwide. Despite its Indonesian origin, there is widespread
misconception abroad that satay is originated from Thailand. As the result it is most frequently associated
with Thai food.
Sawatdee Ka (Thai: ) - hello (female speaking) and sawatdee krap (Thai: ) hello (male
speaking).
Scandi - A common short form of Scandinavian that is used in many parts of Asia and especially
Thailand.
Shaoshan (Chinese: ) - A county-level city in Xiangtan, Hunan Province, noted as the birthplace of
Mao Zedong, founder of the People's Republic of China. Shaoshan was an important base during the
Chinese Communist Revolution.
Shipai (Chinese: ) - The largest urban village in Guangzhou, situated in the middle of Tianhe

District. While the Chinese still use the word village for an area that has been swallowed up by rampant
development, the term slum is much more suitable. This area is a centre of low cost housing for over
50,000 hinterland immigrants where the narrow allows are reminiscent of Hong Kongs Walled City,
poorly lit and very dirty.
Siam Paragon (Thai: ) - One of the largest shopping malls in Asia. It includes a wide range
of speciality stores and restaurants as well as a multiplex movie theatre (consisting of fifteen large size
theatres with one of them having the biggest screen and seating capacity in Asia), the Siam Ocean World
aquarium (the largest aquarium in South East Asia) and an exhibition hall and the Thai Art Gallery and
also an opera concert hall. It also has a large bowling alley and karaoke centre.
Sichuan (Chinese: ) - Known formerly in the West by its postal map spellings of Szechwan or the
alternative romanisation Szechuan, this is a province of the People's Republic of China, located in the
southwest of the country. The name of the province is an abbreviation of Chunxi Sl (), or
"Four circuits of rivers and gorges." The capital is Chengdu, a key economic centre of Western China and
is famed for its spicy food and attractive women.
Sidney - Sid James was a South African-born English actor and comedian. A regular performer in the
Carry On films where he is remembered for a lascivious persona, the Snopes website describing him as
"the grand old man of dirty laughter."
Singha (Thai: ) - Correctly pronounced sing, but commonly pronounced sing-ha, reflecting the Latin
spelling) is a 5% alcohol-by-volume (abv) pale lager produced by Boon Rawd Brewery.
Skank - Not a derogatory term for women but a dance style favoured by mods and rude boys.
Skytrain - The Bangkok Mass Transit System, commonly known as the BTS or the Skytrain (Thai:
rot fai fa), is an elevated rapid transit system in Bangkok.
Soi (Thai: ) - The term used in Thailand for a side-street branching off a major street (Thanon, Thai:
). An alley is called a Trok (Thai: ). Sois are usually numbered, and are referred to by the name
of the major street and the number, as in "Soi Sukhumvit 4", "Sukhumvit Soi 4", or "Sukhumvit 4", all
referring to the fourth soi of Sukhumvit Road in Bangkok.
Soi Bonkabint - The local nickname for Hua Hins main bar street, the real name of which is Soi
Bintabaht.
Soi Dogs - It is estimated that there are over 120,000 "soi dogs" or street dogs in Bangkok. In the 1990s,
more than 200 dogs were euthanised each day. In 1998, however, the Society for the Prevention of Cruelty
to Animals campaigned against the practice, which they argued violated Buddhist principles. The
campaign generated substantial public outcry, and the city adopted a pro-life dog policy. In September
2007, the Bangkok Metropolitan Administration began a program of mandatory registration for dogs; the
program was aimed to deter the abandonment of dogs, which could be traced to their owners.
Requirements for such registration include the implantation of a microchip identifying the owner, rabies
vaccination for dogs less than one year old, and sterilization; dog owners were required to register their
pets before July 2008. Starting on July 4, 2008, dogs found unregistered may be sent to a dog kennel in the
northern province of Uthai Thani and their owners may be fined up to 5,000 baht. Critics of mandatory
registration have asserted that it has actually increased the number of strays, as dog owners who do not
wish to pay for implementation are abandoning their pets rather than risking receiving fines. In addition,
many street dogs and pets are lured and stuffed into wire cages where they can barely breathe. Terrified,

they are transported for days and days with no food or water. At their final destination in China, Laos or
Vietnam they are unloaded from their cages, tortured and boiled alive and their skins ripped from their
bodies in the twisted belief that this will make their meat taste better. For a better perspective try the 2006
Thai movie Kao Niew Moo Ping by Siwaporn Pongsuwan focused on the relationship between a runaway
girl and the stray dog she befriends.
Songthaew (Thai: ) - Literally "two rows" is a passenger vehicle in Thailand and Laos adapted
from a pick-up or a larger truck and used as a share taxi. It takes its name from the two bench seats fixed
along either side of the back of the truck; in some vehicles a third bench is put down the middle of the
seating area. Additionally a roof is fitted over the rear of the vehicle, to which curtains and plastic
sheeting to keep out rain may be attached.
Star Ferry - The world-famous ferry line plying Victoria Harbour between Hong Kong Island and
Kowloon; about a 7-minute ride overlooking one of the most impressive skylines on the planet. It was
founded in 1888 as the Kowloon Ferry Company, adopting its present name in 1898. The fleet of twelve
ferries currently operates two routes across the harbour, carrying over 70,000 passengers a day, or 26
million a year. This was where Robert Lomax first meets the haughty Mee Ling, who later turns out to be
Suzie Wong.
Step by Step - A very outdated English textbook by LG Alexander, which is still very popular in China to
this day.
) - Not only one of the longest boulevards in Thailand, but one of the longest
Sukhumvit (Thai:
boulevards in the world. Towards the west end it changes name to Phloen Chit Road and Rama I Road as
it enters the Siam Square area, but to the east it runs most of the way to the Cambodian border. The sois
are numbered from west to east, with odd numbers north and even numbers south of Sukhumvit Road.
Looking at the high-rise apartment buildings, the Skytrain and the perennial traffic jam on Sukhumvit
Road, it is hard to believe that this area used to consist of rice fields until World War II. The lowerednumbered sois (roughly between Soi 1 and 63) are a popular residential areas for western expatriates and
affluent Thais. It is densely packed with shopping centres, restaurants and hotels. The fleshpots of Nana
Entertainment Plaza (in Soi 4) and Soi Cowboy are here where the pavement of Sukhumvit itself has
become a huge market carrying everything from luggage to fake Rolex watches, and after midnight they
turn into roadside bars and pubs. Indians have settled around Soi 12, while Arabs are grouped at Soi 3/1,
which informally is known as Soi Arab.
Sukhothai (Thai: ) - Dripping with Thai-influenced elegance and surrounded by lush sprawling
grounds make this famous five star hotel a tranquil oasis.
Surasak (Thai: ) - A BTS Skytrain station, on the Silom Line in Sathon District, Bangkok. The
station borders the financial and business district of Bangkok which is mostly occupied by corporate
offices and schools, contrasted sharply by the colourful Sri Mariamman Hindu temple.
Taksin Bridge (Thai: ) - A bridge crossing the Chao Phraya river in Bangkok,
Thailand. The entry ramp on the east side of the river contains the Saphan Taksin Skytrain station as well
as a pier for the Chao Phraya Express Boat. Saphan Taksin station (Thai: ) is a BTS
Skytrain station, on the Silom Line. This makes the station popular for both daily passengers and tourists
sightseeing by river boats to historical area such as Wat Arun, Wat Pho and Sanam Luang.
The Democracy Monument (Thai:
Anusawari Prachathipatai) - The monument is
roughly halfway between Sanam Luang, the former royal cremation ground in front of Wat Phra Kaew, and

the temple of the Golden Mount (Phu Kao Thong) on the wide east-west Ratchadamnoen Klang Road, at
the intersection of Dinso Road.
The Good, the Bad and the Weird (Hangul: , , ) - A 2008 South Korean steampunk western film,
directed by Kim Jee-woon, inspired by Sergio Leone's The Good, the Bad and the Ugly.
The Gulf (Thai: ) - The Gulf of Thailand, formerly called the Gulf of Siam (Thai: ) is a
shallow arm of the South China Sea.
Han - The Han Chinese are an ethnic group that constitute approximately 92% of the population of
Mainland China and about 19% of the entire global human population, making them the largest ethnic
group in the world. Besides the majority Han Chinese, 55 other ethnic groups are recognised in mainland
China by the PRC government, numbering approximately 105 million people, with the second largest
group being the Zhuang (16.9 million).
Ti Thong Road (Thai: ) - A street in Bangkok almost solely devoted to military tailors and civil
service outfitters, close by to the Giant Swing and Bangkok City Hall.
Tian He (Chinese: ) - One of ten districts in Guangzhou and perhaps the most desirable before the
recent rise of Zhujiang New City CBD. Now mainly retail and educational sites, the area has simply
become too expensive for many residents, even though a couple of decades ago this was all rice fields.
Tianya Haijiao (Chinese: : literally: "Edges of the heaven, corners of the sea") - A popular
resort in the southern part of Hainan province despite the fact that Jinmu Cape is actually further south. In
Chinese literature, the cape is mentioned in many famous poems, and many newlyweds spend part of their
honeymoon visiting the place, just like young Indian couples visiting the Taj Mahal.
Tiao Tti (Chinese: ) - A Chinese adjective describing someone who is very fussy or picky.
Tiers - The tiers of cities in China usually refer to key characteristics of the city, including its economic
development, provincial GDP, advanced transportation systems and infrastructure, and historical and
cultural significance. Chinas first-tier cities usually refer to Beijing, Shanghai, Guangzhou, and Shenzhen
which make The Big 4. Second-tier cities include Tianjin, Chongqing, Chengdu, Wuhan, Xiamen. Thirdtier cities include Hangzhou, Chongqing among others. Even third-tier cities have populations in the
millions.
Tiffanys A transvestite cabaret show in Pattaya that has been running for forty years showcasing the
incredible talents of the transvestite and transgender community, drawn from all the provinces of
Thailand, three times nightly, every night of the year.
Tiger Leaping Gorge (Chinese: ) - At the junction of the Qinghai-Tibetan Plateau and YunnanGuizhou Plateau, tucked neatly between the Jade Dragon Snow Mountain and Haba Snow Mountain. At a
maximum depth of approximately 3,790 meters (12,434 feet) from river to mountain peak, (almost twice
the depth of the Grand Canyon) Tiger Leaping Gorge is one of the deepest and most spectacular river
canyons in the world
Tom Yam Gong (Thai: ) - A clear, spicy and sour Thai soup. Tom yum is widely served in
neighbouring countries such as Cambodia, Malaysia and Singapore, and has been popularised around the
world. tom yam gong
Tu Hao (Chinese: ) - A new and derisive term which denotes the lavish and garish tastes of China's

millionaire class. In English we might say the uncouth rich but French does much better. Tuhao have the
artistic sensibilities of the arriviste, the social grace of the parvenu, and the spending habits of the
nouveau riche. Tuhao once meant rich landowner the villainous landed gentry and class enemy of
communist Chinas proletariat but the terms modern revival is more of a manifestation of the social
phenomenon in China: the widening wealth gap and social stratification, which has made the public
disdainful of the super rich. Wealth alone is proving to be an empty promise, yet it remains essential for
many kinds of access and influence. Small wonder that while Chinese may resent tuhao and poke fun at
their taste, making their acquaintance (or better yet, marrying into their families) remains a convenient and
enviable way to move up Chinas increasingly treacherous social ladder.
Tumen Jiang (Chinese: ) - The Tumen River is a 521 km-long river that serves as part of the Narth
Eastern boundary between China, North Korea, and Russia. The river is heavily polluted by the nearby
factories of North Korea and China; but is regularly North Korean refugees defecting across the Chinese
border because, unlike the swift, deep and broad Yalu River which runs along most of the border between
the two countries, the Tumen is shallow and narrow. The humanitarian crisis along the Tumen River was
dramatized in the award-winning 2009 dramatic feature-length film, Dooman River.
Tung Choi Ladies Market (Chinese: ) - Situated in Mong Kok, this is one of the most well-known
street markets in Hong Kong, where various kinds of products are available for cheap prices (not just for
women, as its name suggests). Its northern section includes a market for goldfish, the so-called Goldfish
Market.
Venezia - A crass attempt at trying to recreate the canals of Venice in an over priced theme park just
outside Hua Hin. I could give you a fully detailed report on why the place is such poor value, but instead
let me tell you this. Out of 58 visitor ratings on TripAdvisor, only four people rated the attraction as
excellent. By comparison, 12 thought is was average, 11 considered it poor and a massive 19 described it
as terrible.
Vespa - This expansive outdoor market is a virtual melting pot of Bangkok youth subculture. The original
emphasis was on vehicles, and you can still find heaps of vintage Vespas and Lambrettas, Volkswagens
and Austin Minis for sale or show betwixt quirky T-shirts, used sneakers and modern antiques. A popular
place for punks, mod and even the hip-hop crowd.
Victor Meldrew - a fictional character from the popular BBC One sitcom One Foot in the Grave,
portrayed by Richard Wilson. The character epitomised the archetypal cantankerous grumpy old man.
Victory Monument (Thai: , pronounced Anusawari Chai Samoraphum) - A large military
monument in Bangkok, located at the intersection of Phahonyothin Road, Phaya Thai Road, and
Ratchawithi Road. The monument is one of Bangkok's major traffic intersections. There is a BTS Skytrain
station of the same name to the south of the Monument.
Wai (Thai: ) - The Thai greeting referred to as the wai consists of a slight bow, with the palms
pressed together in a prayer-like fashion. The wai is also common as a way to express gratitude or to
apologise. Waiing remains to this day an extremely important part of social behaviour among Thais, who
are very sensitive to their self-perceived standing in society. As a rule of thumb for foreign tourists and
other visitors unaccustomed to the intricacies of Thai language and culture, it is unwise to initiate a wai
exchange with someone who is younger. However, one should always return a wai that is offered as a
genuine sign of respect. Corporate wais, such as those performed by convenience store cashiers, can
generally be 'returned' with a smile.

Wat Arun, "Temple of Dawn" (Thai: ) - A Buddhist temple (wat) on the Thonburi west bank of the
Chao Phraya River. The temple derives its name from the Hindu god Aruna, often personified as the
radiations of the rising sun. Wat Arun is among the best known of Thailand's landmarks and the first light
of the morning reflects off the surface of the temple with pearly iridescence.
Wat Pho (Thai: ) - A Buddhist temple in Phra Nakhon district, Bangkok. Known also as the Temple
of the Reclining Buddha, its official name is Wat Phra Chettuphon Wimon Mangkhlaram
Ratchaworamahawihan. The temple is also known as the birthplace of traditional Thai massage.
Webley - Webley revolvers often serve as a stereotypical British revolver in film and television; a
Webley WG Army Model revolver is used by Harrison Ford in the movie Indiana Jones and the Last
Crusade.
WeChat (Chinese: ; literally: "micro message") - A mobile text and voice messaging communication
service developed by Tencent in China. It is the largest standalone messaging app by monthly active
users. As of 2013, WeChat has 300 million users; with 70 million outside of China, but this has increased
greatly over the last year.
Weibo (Chinese: ) - A Chinese microblogging (weibo) website. Akin to a hybrid of Twitter and
Facebook, it is one of the most popular sites in China, in used by well over 30% of domestic Internet
users, although it is now losing out to the likes of WeChat.
Wenzhou (Chinese: ) - A prefecture-level city in southeastern Zhejiang province which translates
to "a mild and pleasant land", which is ironic because despite its fame for having the highest
concentrations of millionaires in the country, it is a nasty, parochial place. Tu Haos behaving badly,
trailed around by armies of Chinas most deformed and pitiful beggars.
Wuhan (Chinese: ) - The capital of Hubei province, and is the most populous city in Central China. It
is a major transportation hub, with dozens of railways, roads and expressways passing through the city.
Wuxi (Chinese: ) - An old city in the southern Jiangsu province that is split in half by Lake Tai. Wuxi
is also famous for being one of the birthplaces of China's modern industry and commerce, as well as the
hometown of many important businessmen, who played essential roles in building modern Shanghai
commerce since the early 20th century.
Wuyishan (Chinese: ) - Wuyi Mountain is a UNESCO recognised park in Northern Fujian. It was
here to which Robert Fortune travelled by sedan chair disguised as a Manchurian merchant to obtain tea
plant specimens for the East India Company and the area still offers amazing hiking at suitable times of the
year.
Xiamen (Chinese: ) - Also historically known as Amoy is a major city on the southeast (Taiwan
Strait) coast and the Taiwanese administered Jinmen Islands are less than 10 kilometres away. The city
was a treaty port in the 19th century and one of the four original Special Economic Zones opened to
foreign investment and trade when China began economic reforms in the early 1980s.
Xiao Ye (Chinese: ; "supper" or "midnight snack") - A small late evening meal, known as siu yeh in
Cantonese which starts anywhere from about 9pm onwards until around 4am.
YACA The Young Animation and Comic Association hosted the very first cosplay convention in
Guangzhou in 2006 and continues to hold this massively popular event every year during the May Day
Golden Week.

Yangcheng Lake (Chinese: ) - Hairy crabs also known as Chinese mitten crabs, are an expensive
delicacy in Shanghai, even though they are considered a pest in the rest of the world. The hairy crab is
native to eastern Asia but they have spread to Europe and North America. Hairy Crab season runs from
September to December. Crabs are considered to be yin (cold foods), so to balance it you eat them by
dipping into vinegar with ginger and drink huangjiu (Chinese yellow wine). The most famous hairy crabs
come from Yangcheng Lake, about an hour from Shanghai. These crabs are considered to have the very
best flavour although rumour has it that the original species went extinct in the early 1990s due to over
fishing and the current species is actually from Japan. Other imaginative serving styles include poached
hairy crab with avocado, tomato and blood orange vinaigrette hairy crab empanadas with mango salsa.
Yi, Er, San (Chinese: ) - The first three numbers in mandarin.
Yi-Mi-Ba-Shi - Chinese for 180, which refers to the height in centimetres for the ideal date.
Yunnan (Chinese:) - A province located in the far southwest of the country, in a mountainous area,
with high elevations in the northwest and low elevations in the southeast. Yunnan is rich in natural
resources and has the largest diversity of plant life in China. Of the approximately 30,000 species of
higher plants in China, Yunnan has perhaps 17,000 or more and many of these now have pride of place in
many western flower gardens, thanks to the adventurous botanists and plant hunters of the nineteenth
century. Ethnic minorities in Yunnan account for about 34 percent of its total population. Major ethnic
groups include Yi, Bai, Hani, Zhuang, Dai and Miao.
Zhai (Chinese: ) - An adjective referring to the preference or habit of staying indoors at home instead
of going out or socializing with others. Commonly seen as zhai nan or zhai nv referring to men
or women who tend to be, nerds, lacking social skills or social activities, similar to the Japanese term
otaku.
Zhaoqing (Chinese: ) - A prefecture-level city of Guangdong province, and is considered part of the
Pearl River Delta region. It is well known for being a regional tourist hub, a medium-sized provincial
"college town" as well as an up-and-coming manufacturing centre.
Zhejiang (Chinese: ) - Zhejiang Province formerly romanized as Chekiang, is an eastern coastal
province, and has recently become the richest province in China.
Zhoushan (Chinese: ) - formerly transliterated as Chusan, is a city in northeastern Zhejiang
consisting solely of islands that lie across the mouth of the Hangzhou Bay. As long as five hundred years
ago, Zhoushan became an important commercial entrept. Under the early Qing dynasty, it played a
similar role to Amoy and Canton as a frequent port of call for Western traders. British forces under
Captain Charles Elliot captured Zhoushan on 56 July 1840 during the First Opium War and then
evacuated it in early 1841, after Elliot reached an agreement with the grand secretary to the Daoguang
Emperor, in exchange for cession of Hong Kong. At that time, Zhoushan was a well known port while
Hong Kong was still only a fishing village. The British Foreign Secretary Palmerston was famously livid
when he learned that Elliot agreed to the cession of Hong Kong ("a barren island with hardly a house on
it") while giving up Zhoushan. Elliot was dismissed in April 1841 for his blunder. On October 1, 1942,
the Japanese Lisbon Maru transporting 1,800 POW back to Tokyo was sunk by a torpedo and 384 of the
British POW that went overboard were rescued by the fishermen of the islands.
Zhuang - The Zhuang people (Chinese: ) - An ethnic group who mostly live in the Guangxi Zhuang
Autonomous Region in southern China. Some also live in the Yunnan, Guangdong, Guizhou and Hunan
provinces.

Zhuang Yuan Fang (Chinese: ) - A shopping street for teenagers in Guangzhou. It was once a lane
where people sold speciality goods like Cantonese Opera costumes and other stage costumes, and temple
fair ornaments. All this has now been reduced to only a few stores selling this type of thing. Now you can
buy anything and everything you don't need as long as it is cute, fun, colorful, from Snoopy dogs to Hello
Kitty cats, from Pikachu dolls to Puzzle Bobble dragons.




Please keep your eyes open for more books in this series.
In 'Mandarin Preferred' Christian introduces Darby to his favourite Guangzhou stomping grounds, a
Chinese megalopolis also known as the 'Workshop of the World.'
In 'Mandarin Essential' the pair head up to the Tibetan Borderlands where they encounter an adversary
more dangerous than the local mafia and the corrupt police force combined.
In 'Mandarin Fundamental' the boys come face to face with the supernatural forces of Tibetan sorcery and
are drawn into a deadly political intrigue.
In 'Mandarin Superfluous' they travel to some of the most remote parts of South East Asia and become
entangled in an international gem deal that goes horribly wrong.

About the Author
Darby Jones first began writing as a teenager, when he quickly displayed an early talent for penning
sensuous erotica and hard-core porn. For many years he was a prolific contributor to UK magazines such
as Mayfair, Fiesta and Knave, as well as a host of lesser known but equally popular titles. After a short
stint at Viz Comics, he left England to become the lead contributor of an infamous but long out-of-print
travel opus, entitled Sex Havens for Tax Fiends. This was a strictly limited edition, leather-bound
gazetteer commissioned by the now defunct Scope Publications. It was published as a follow up to their
extremely popular PT (Perpetual Traveller) titles, including as The Passport Report, The Honorary
Consul and The Invisible Investor. Each volume immediately sold out and remains highly collectible to
this day.
For the last three years, he has been enjoying forced early-retirement after an extremely stressful eighteen
months smuggling Chinese-made arms and munitions to the various rebel groups in Eastern and Northern
Myanmar. He was forced to spend nearly a year in Malaysia recuperating from a near-fatal gun-shot
injury, which was sustained in a shoot-out on the upper reaches of the Mekong. He is currently in an
undisclosed Asian location working on his latest book.

Acknowledgements

Thanks to following for their encouragement and inspiration

Chris, Dan, Eit, Elsa, Fred, Jack, Jennifer, Keith, Lassie, Lily, Maomao, Matt, Neil, Royce

If you would like to chat, discuss or even hang out, I can be contacted at darby.jones@tutanota.de. I love
hearing from readers and always reply to any email that is received. In addition, I am always grateful to
hear about any spelling or formatting errors that you might have spotted.