Speech Title

What does it take to be a good parent?

By Mohd Harits Bin Sumgap
Assalammualaikum and good morning to all. Thank you for sparing your time to be
here at Brainy Montessori Open Day. First of all, let me introduce myself. I am Mohd Harits
Bin Sumgap, the founder of this Brainy Montessori, here in Segamat. As the founder of this
Montessori, I would like to share with you what does it take to be a good parent, as I think it
was my obligation to have parents of my pupils who attended this Montessori to at least know
and able to grasp the very foundation of this Montessori objective, which is to mould a great
future the great leadership through the very fundamental of it all. It begins with a child.
Therefore, as parents we should be able to recognize the things that we need to know about
raising a great future leader.
We think enviably of those few very efficient people we know, who raised what seem
to be text book genius children. Somehow they manage to do in everything. How they do and
still seem happy and sane is a mystery to us. We are rushed off our feet and late for works.
We forget to pay bills and we are constantly late with errands and have to forgo pleasurable
activities to keep up just simply because we had kids.

Life, it seems, to a great many people, is a constant state of chaos. The bizarre thing is
this state of being is not in the least bit enjoyable or relaxing. Yet becoming that other
organised person seems an insurmountable task. We do not know where to begin. But it
shouldnt be the bane of our existence. It seems impossible to juggle with works but still
manage to keep our family, our children at top of his game. But rest assured, I have few tips
and tricks on how we, can manage the chaotic life as parents.
Most of you, here, are young, new parents. Kids nowadays are not like us, when we
were as little as they are now. Things were different now. We need to grasp the idea that
parenting is not something your parents could hand down like a text book or manual to you.
Because we are raising the new Y generations children, that are somewhat very alien to which
we have been brought up.

First order of the steps of being a good parent is to know what is parenting. So, what
is

parenting?

Parenting

is

the

the physical, emotional, social,

process

of

promoting

and

and intellectual

supporting

development of

a child from infancy to adulthood. Parenting refers to the aspects of raising a child aside from
the biological relationship.
The most common partaker in parenting is the biological parent of the child in
question, although others may be an older sibling, a grandparent, a legal guardian, aunt, uncle
or other family member or a family friend. Governments and society take a role as well. In
many cases, orphaned or abandoned children receive parental care from non-parent blood
relations. Others may be adopted, raised in foster care, or placed in an orphanage. Parenting
skills vary, and a parent with good parenting skills may be referred to as a good parent.
Views on the characteristics that make one a good parent varies from culture to culture.
Malaysia may allow for us to cane our children as part of educating them, but certain country,
that is illegal. So how are we going to educate our kids accordingly to our cultures and yet
develop a kid with international values?
Social class, wealth, culture and income have a very strong impact on what methods
of child rearing are used by parents. Cultural values play a major role in how a parent raises
their child. However, as times change, cultural practices and social norms and traditions
evolve as well, therefore parenting is always evolving.
In psychology, the parental investment theory suggests that basic differences between
males and females in parental investment have great adaptive significance and lead to gender
differences in mating propensities and preferences.
A family's social class plays a large role in the opportunities and resources that will be
made available for a child. Working-class children often grow up at a disadvantage with the
schooling, communities, and parental attention made available to them compared to middleclass or upper-class. Also, lower working-class families do not get the kind of networking
that the middle and upper classes do through helpful family members, friends, and
community individuals and groups as well as various professionals or experts.
There are five style of parenting styles that we can adopt and adapt.
According to developmental psychologist Diana Baumrind identified three main parenting
styles in early child development: authoritative, authoritarian, and permissive. These

parenting styles were later expanded to four, including an uninvolved style. These four styles
of parenting involve combinations of acceptance and responsiveness on the one hand and
demand and control on the other.
First is Authoritative parenting. Described by Baumrind as the "just right" style, in
combines a medium level demands on the child and a medium level responsiveness from the
parents. Authoritative parents rely on positive reinforcement and infrequent use of
punishment. Parents are more aware of a child's feelings and capabilities and support the
development of a child's autonomy within reasonable limits. There is a give-and-take
atmosphere involved in parent-child communication and both control and support are
balanced. Research shows that this style is more beneficial than the too-hard authoritarian
style or the too-soft permissive style.
The next one is Authoritarian parenting styles. Authoritarian parents are very rigid and
strict. They place high demands on the child, but are not responsive to the child. Parents who
practice authoritarian style parenting have a rigid set of rules and expectations that are strictly
enforced and require rigid obedience. When the rules are not followed, punishment is most
often used to promote future obedience. There is usually no explanation of punishment except
that the child is in trouble for breaking a rule. "Because I said so" is a typical response to a
child's question of authority. This type of authority is used more often in working-class
families than the middle class. In 1983 Diana Baumrind found that children raised in an
authoritarian-style home were less cheerful, more moody and more vulnerable to stress. In
many cases these children also demonstrated passive hostility.
Permissive parenting is the third style she outlined. Permissive or indulgent parenting
is more popular in middle-class families than in working-class families. In these family
settings, a child's freedom and autonomy are highly valued, and parents tend to rely mostly
on reasoning and explanation. Parents are undemanding, so there tends to be little, if any
punishment or explicit rules in this style of parenting. These parents say that their children are
free from external constraints and tend to be highly responsive to whatever the child wants at
the moment. Children of permissive parents are generally happy but sometimes show low
levels of self-control and self-reliance because they lack structure at home.

Next is Uninvolved parenting. An uninvolved or neglectful parenting style is when

parents are often emotionally absent and sometimes even physically absent. They have little
or no expectation of the child and regularly have no communication. They are not responsive
to a child's needs and do not demand anything of them in their behavioral expectations. If
present, they may provide what the child needs for survival with little to no
engagement. There is often a large gap between parents and children with this parenting style.
Children with little or no communication with their own parents tended to be the victims of
another childs deviant behavior and may be involved in some deviance themselves. Children
of uninvolved parents suffer in social competence, academic performance, psychosocial
development and problem behavior.
But, as parents, we must bear in mind, that there is no single or definitive model of
parenting. With authoritarian and permissive (indulgent) parenting on opposite sides of the
spectrum, most conventional and modern models of parenting fall somewhere in between.
Parenting strategies as well as behaviors and ideals of what parents expect, whether
communicated verbally and/or non-verbally, also play a significant role in a child's
development.
A parenting practice is a specific behavior that a parent uses in raising a child. For
example, a common parent practice intended to promote academic success is reading books
to the child. Storytelling is an important parenting practice for children in many Indigenous
American communities but in Malaysia. We dont read books or tell them stories at night but
we rather send them to sleep when they get to annoyed us when we wanted to rest.
Parenting practices reflect the cultural understanding of children. Parents in
individualistic countries like Germany spend more time engaged in face-to-face
interaction with babies and more time talking to the baby about the baby. Parents in more
communal cultures, such as West African cultures, spend more time talking to the baby about
other people, and more time with the baby facing outwards, so that the baby sees what the
mother sees. Children develop skills at different rates as a result of differences in these
culturally driven parenting practices. Children in individualistic cultures learn to act
independently and to recognize themselves in a mirror test at a younger age than children
whose cultures promote communal values. However, these independent children learn selfregulation and cooperation later than children in communal cultures. In practice, this means

that a child in an independent culture will happily play by herself, but a child in a communal
culture is more likely to follow his mother's instruction to pick up his toys. Children that
grow up in communities with a collaborative orientation to social interaction, such as some
Indigenous American communities, are also able to self-regulate and become very selfconfident, while remaining involved in the community. And why cant practice that?
So here are my tips on how to be a good parent. First you must consider yourself
lucky. Why? Because having a child of your own is a privilege. Not many of us out there we
lucky enough to conceive and having their own flesh and blood. So be blessed with what you
have. It is a privilege that this child, this bundle of joy, has come through you and arrived in
your house. Children are not your property; they do not belong to you. Just see how to enjoy,
nurture, and support them. Don't try to make them an investment for your future.
Let them be what they want to be. Let them become whatever they have to become.
Don't try to mold them according to your understanding of life. Your child need not do what
you did in your life. Your child should do something that you did not even dare to think in
your life. Only then will the world progress. Lets say, your son like to play cook. Dont try to
bribe your son with toy truck and plastic spade just because you dont want him to be what
we all feared that our kids become : too feminine. Let me assure you this, they will not. So be
proud of your son choice. Maybe someday he will become a Michelin Star Chef which
monthly salary would be much higher than an average doctor in Malaysia.
People misunderstand that loving their children is to cater to whatever they ask for. If
you get them everything they ask for, it is stupidity. When you are loving, you can do just
whatever is needed. When you truly love someone, you are willing to be unpopular and still
do what is best for them.
Apart from that, it is very important a child remains a child; there is no hurry to make
him into an adult because you can't reverse it later. When he is a child and he behaves like a
child, it is wonderful. When he becomes an adult and behaves like a child. That is bad. There
is no hurry for a child to become an adult.
What do you know about life to teach your children? A few survival tricks are the
only things you can teach. Please compare yourself with your child and see who is capable of
more joy. Your child, isn't it? If he knows more joy than you, who is better qualified to be a
consultant about life, you or him?

When a child arrives, it is time to learn, not teach. When there is a child, unknowingly you
laugh, play, sing, crawl under the sofa, and do all those things that you had forgotten to do. So
it is time to learn about life.
Children are very close to a spiritual possibility if only they are not meddled with.
Generally, either the parents, teachers, society, television - somebody or the other meddles
with them too much. Create an atmosphere where this meddling is minimized and a child is
encouraged to grow into his intelligence rather than into your identity of religion, race,
culture or nation. The child will become naturally spiritual without even knowing the word
spirituality as it is natural for human intelligence to seek, the important thing to do is not
provide standard answers.
If you set an example of fear and anxiety, how can you expect your children to live in
joy? They will also learn the same thing. The best thing you can do is to create a joyous and
loving atmosphere.
Having a great relationship with your kids is crucial. Stop imposing yourself on the
child and create a strong friendship rather than being a boss. Don't sit on a pedestal and tell
the child what he or she should do. Place yourself below the child so that it is easy for them
to talk to you.
Avoid seeking respect from your kids. Love is what you seek with your children, isn't
it? But many parents say, "You must respect me." You came a few years early, are bigger in
body, and you know a few survival tricks, but in what way are you a better life than him?
Last but not least, make yourself truly attractive. A child is influenced by so many
things -- the TV, neighbors, teachers, school, and a million other things. He will go the way of
whatever he finds most attractive. As a parent, you have to make yourself in a way that the
most attractive thing he finds is to be with the parents. If you are a joyous, intelligent, and
wonderful person, he won't seek company anywhere else. For anything, he will come and ask
you.
If you are genuinely interested in giving your children a good upbringing, you should
first transform yourself into a peaceful, loving and blissful human being. As a parents, we
must learn that Parenting involves a certain amount of discretion. There is no one standard
rule for all children. Different children may need different levels of attention, expressions of
love, and toughness. Suppose I was standing in a coconut garden and you asked me, "How

much water per plant?" I would say, "At least 50 liters per plant." When you go home, if you
give 50 liters to your rose plant, it will die. You must see what kind of plant you have in your
house and what it needs.