EDWARD PADUTA

presents

BYE BYE BIRDIE

A Musical Com.dy

Bookby

MICHAEL STEWART
Musicby

CHARLES STROUSE
Lyrics by

LEE ADAMS

Music

& Lyrics- dt"r?fi &it8i *[:tffit":::XXt

Property of

Lee Adams

Tams-Witmark Music Library, Inc.

Avenue New York, NY I0A22
(2t2) 688-2s2s

560 Lexington

Cast of Characters

in early thirties,

ATBERT PETERSON

Young man

ROSE ALVAREZ

Albert' s secretary, principal dancer

HELEN

MRS. MAE PETERSON

singer, nonspeaking
Original cast had 0 girls and 7 boys
A hyper-enthusiastic dark haired teen
f riend and neighbor of Kim's
15 years oId, she is very pretty and
quiie self-possessed
Mother of Kim and Randolph
Father of Kim and Randolph
Albert' s mother, the quintessential

CONRAD BIRDIE

Rock Star

HUGO PEABODY

Kim's Itsteadytt

ONE GIRL

Member

POLTCEMAN

f n N.

TEEN

CHORUS

1-

MACAFEE

MRS. DORIS

MR.

and singer

Teenage

URSULA MERKLE

KIM

President of Almaelou Music Corp.

MACAFEE

FIARRY MACAFEE

trMammatr

of TEEN GIRLS chorlls.

Speaks Act T, Scene 4

Y. train statiorf..
Speaks Act f, Scene

REPORTERS

N.Y. & Ohio train stations.

First Reporter, Third Reporter
speak. Second Reporter is a
nonspeaking cameraman

MAYOR

Of Sweet Apple, Ohio

MAYOR'S WIFE

Edna.
Member

of quartette,

Act !, Scene

MRS. MERKLE

Ursu1a's mother

RANDOLPH MACAFEE

Kim's younger brother

NA}ICY

Teen chorus. Speaks Act L, Scene

GLORIA RASPUTIN

A big broad, tap daneing f'secretary,',

Mae's choice to replace Rosie

ED SULLIVAIV'S VOICE

Of

TRAVELER

Part of crowd in N. Y. train station.

Speaks Act I, Scene 4 only'

fstage

MUSICAL

ACT

NU}4BERS
ONE

. OVERTURE nA'r (Orchestra w/TEEN GIRLS)

A. Alternate OVERTURE ,Brr (Orchestra w/
OPENING CURTAIN (Orchestra)
II$[ ENGLISH TEACHER'' (NOSIE)
3

1
1
2

CONRAD

& TEEN GIRLS)

AN ENGI,ISH TEACHER TAG (NOSIE)

4.
"THE TELEPHONE HOUR" (renlt CHORUS)
5. THE TELEPHONE HOUR PLAYOFF (OrChCStra)
6.
''HOW LOVELY TO BE A WQIVIXIqII (KIM)
7. PENN STATION TRANSTTION (Orchestra w/TEEN CHORUS)
8.
''PUT ON A HAPPY FACE" (ar,eERT)
o
"A HEALTHY, NORMAL, AMERICAII BOY" (aLeERT, ROSTE, TEEN
& ADULT CHORUS)
10. PENN STATION TO SWEET APPLE (TEBN & ADULT CHORUS)
1]-. SWEET APPLE BA}ilD (IUEN CHORUS)
7-2. "ONE BOY" (XrM, TWO GrRLS & ROSrE)
13. SWEET APPLE STATION (Orchestra underscoring)
L4. 'IHONESTLY SINCERE'I (CONRAD & CHORUS)

15.
15.
L7 .
18 .

19.

WOUNDED (URSULA, DEBORAH SUE & MARGIE)

''HYMN FOR A SUNDAY EVENING'' ED SULLIVAI\T (TUU

&

MacAFEES

CHORUS)

HUNDRED

WAYS BALLET (OrcheSTrA)

T. V. THEME (FAMARE) (Orchestra)

''ONE LAST KISSI' (COTTIRAD, MALE QUARTET, ALBERT, TEEN
CHORUS, PRINCIPALS & ADULT CHORUS)

ACT II

.
2 0A.
2L.
22.
23.
24.
25 .
25 .
27 .
28.
29 .
30.
31.
32 .
20

ENTR'ACTE rtArr (Orchestra)

Alternat.e ENTR', ACTE il B il (Orchest ra w / TEEN GIRLS )
"14fi[f DrD r EVER SEE rN HrM" (ROSTE & KrM)
SEE IN HIM UNDERSCORE (OTChCSITA)
SEE IN HIM REPRISE (NOSIE)
IIA LOT OF LIVIN' TO DOII (CONRAD, KIM & TEEN CHORUS)

r'

(mn . & MRS . MaCAFEE )

KIDS Scene Change (Orchest,ra )
|'BABY, TALK TO ME'' (er,eERT & MALE QUARTET)
TRANSITION TO SHRINER'S (Orchestra)
BALLET (Orchest,rA)
SHRTNER, S
SHRINER'S PLAYOFF (Orchestra)
GLORY HALLELUJAI{ (OrCheSIrA)
KIDS REPRISE (AOULT CHORUS, MR. & MRS. MacAFEE &
& RANDOLPH)
LAMONT CRANSTON TO ICdHOUSE (Scene Change Orchestra)
ICE HOUSE LIVIN' (TEEN CHORUS)
AIV ENGLI SH TEACHER REPRI SE ( ROS I E )
il

KrDS

33.
34.
35.
g
(nOS IE )
35.
't PffrJI SH ROSE "
i7. MORNTNG (orchest,ra)
38. HAND CAR (TNEN CHORUS GIRLS)
(AT,EERT & ROS IE
39.
'I ROS IE ''
40. FfNALE (Orchestra)
4]-. BOWS AIUD EXIT MUS IC (Orchest,ra
)

SCENES

ACT I

Scene 1 :

Office of Almaelou Music, New York

Scene 2:

Sweet Apple, Ohio

Scene

MacAf

ee Home, Sweet, Apple

Scene 4:

Pennsylvania Station, New York

Scene 5:

Railroad St,ation, Sweet Apple

Scene 6 :

Courthouse Steps, Sweet. Apple

Scene 7 z MacAf ee Home, Sweet Apple

Scene 8 :

Stage and Backstage Office,

CettLra1 Movie Theatre, Sweet Apple

Scene 9 :

St,age, Cntral Movie Theatre, Sweet Apple

ACT II

Scene 1:

MacAfee Home, Sweet Apple

Scene 2:

Street Outside MacAfee Home

Scene 3 :

MacAfee's Back Door

Scene 4:

Maude'

Scene 5:

s Roadside Retreat

Private Dining Room,

s Roadside Retreat

Maude'

Scene 6:

Back Door, Maude's Roadside Ret,reat,

Scene 7:

The Ice House

Scene B: Railroad Stat,ion, Sweet Apple

TIME Present,

ACT

b/

ONE

ovERTURE "A"

Film strip and TEEN GIRLS.

As the OVERTURE begins, we see fronL
drop with shot of CONRAD on it. As
music starts to build, w cut to
various rapid shots of details of
CONRAD's face and body, interspersed
with shot,s of Kf DS reacting singLy,
in groups, and f inally in mobs.
KIDS screaming, shouting, dancirg,
fainting, cLutching, tearing, jumpi*9,
clima>Gd by a close shot of CONRAD
himself, sideburns, wild hairdo,
half-closed eyes, pouting lower lip
Then BLACKOUT.
and all.
TEENS

(From pit with orchestra)

WE LOVE YOU, CONRAD,
OH, YES WE DO !
WE IOVE YOU CONRAD,
AND WE'LL BE TRUE !
WHEN YOU'RE NOT NEAR US,
WE'RE BLUE !

OH,

CONRAD,

WE LOVE...

(Orchestra and film strip continue)

WE LOVE YOU, CONRAD,
OH, YES WE DO !
WE LOVE YOU CONRAD,

LL BE TRUE !
WHEN YOU'RE NOT NEAR US,
WE'RE BLUE !
WE LOVE YOU.

AI\TD WE,

ACT

ONE

Alternate

Ovef t.ure

OVERTURE ''BI'

CONRAD

and TEEN GfRLS.

In a production where the film

clip indicated in 1-0-1 is not
feasible, we substitute OVERTURE B
Near end of OVERTURE music suddenly
cuts out . . and over t,heatre P . A.
we hear highly amplified recording
of Conrad Birdie as HE wails HIS way
through the last, eight bars of an
almost unrecognizable rock and rol I
selection. AlI t,he groans, sighs,
grunts, etc. , forced through an
echo chamber and accompanied by a
twanging electric guitar. A f ew
f rant ic seconds of thi s , t,hen
orchestra picks up the t,heme, a crash
of music , cI imax, and BLACKOUT.
.

TEENS

(From pit with orchestra)

I^IE LOVE YOU, CONRAD,
OH, YES WE DO !
WE LOVE YOU CONRAD,

WE'I,L BE TRUE !
WHEN YOU'RE NOT NEAR US,
WE'RE BLUE !
OH, CONRAD,

AI\TD

WE LOVE...

wE LOVE YOU, CONRAD,

OH, YES WE DO !

WE LOVE YOU CONRAD,

AIVD WE'LL BE TRUE !

CONRAD

(Uighly- ampl i f ied, over t,heatre

CH, MY BABY ! OH YEA}I
OH, MY BABY ! OH YEAI{ !
!

WELL, YA GONNA BE SINCERE,

WELL, YA GONNA BE SINCERE.

(Orchestra aI fine)

P . A.

syst,em)

1--1-1
8

ACT ONE
Scene -1
THE OFFICE OF ALMAELOU MUSIC CORP. f
in New YorK. AT rise, ALBERT
PETERSON, a nervous young man in HIS

early thirt ies, i s t,alking excitedly

on phone, standing C.

oPENTNG

cuRTArN (orchesrra)
ALBERT

that , sir, but think of t,he disastrous ef f ect, this

might have on the morale of the American teenager ! No, I am
not, suggest ing the boy doesn' t want Lo go into t he Army I I t ' s
just, that,...No, I'rTr not t,rying Lo...Wefl, it seemed t,o me
that. . . Two weeks f rom today? AE the Induct,ion Center? He'11
be t,here.
(Hg hangs up as ROS IE bri skly ent ers )
Rosie, thank God you've come ! This is the end of the A1maelou
Music Corporat.ion ! Conrad Birdie is going int,o the Army I
. . . f know

ROS

And your f aithful

IE

secretary is hereby submitting. .

(Sf apping let,ter down on HIS desk)
. . . her resignation !
(Starts to Jeave)

ALBERT
Hah?
ROS

IE

I j ust dropped in t,o say goodbye, Albert , darl-ing.

(Sge btows HIM a kiss)
. . . Lots of luck
(SHe goes to door. ALBERT stops HER)
!

ALBERT

Rosie, you can't ! Not today of all days

(Runs to HIS desk. Looks
f rant, ical ly t hrougrh drawers
The l itt le whi-te ones I take
where are my pi 11s
My pills,
when I'm overwrought,
!

ROS

Here

IE

(Picking up bottle from desk

and handing HIM one)

I-L-2
9

Not, so much. Break it

ALBERT

in half .
ROS

IE

You're t,hirt,y-three years ol-d, Albert.

aspirin.

You can take a whole

(Un takes it, f rom HER. SHE goes

UL t,o waLer pitcher, sLarts

pouring a glassful

ALBERT

I am not, thirt,y-three; I'm a long way from thirty-three;

won't be t,hirt,y-three till tomorrow... Wat.er!
(Handing it to

ROS

IE

HrM)

It,ts no use, Albert,. My mindts made up. Irve been with

Almaelou eight years now and as you well know I've been a lot
more than j ust a secret,ary to you .
Rose

Those were

moment

ALBERT
mad.ness

s of

ROS

IE

Well bet.ween t.he moments of madness and the of f ice I've put in
a good. ninet,y hour week.
*
ALBERT
I get. You want a raise.

r r -5:::'
ALBERT

Rosie , if yourre referring to anything of a more permanent

nat,ure bet,ween you and me, I'rTr not ready for it.
Besides,

t,here are religious

dif ferences.

Spanish is not, a religion

ROS

IE

ALBERT

And if it, ' s part of the company you're af Ler, t,he answer is no
to that, too! A1maelou is me, Mdmma, and Lou....And any change
in it would kill that wonderful woman who bore me.
ROS

IE

Nothing coutd ki 11 your mot,her, Albert .

bull-et,

Except maybe a s i lver

1-L-3
L0

ALBERT

(Hg rises and goes to HER)

And I won't drop poor o1d Lou either.
ROS

He loved you, Rose !

IE

I loved Lou, too, stf re he was warm, he was loyal, he was

loveable, but he died six years ago and, besides, he was a
wire-haired terrier.
(Hn walks L)
Anyhow , I don't want a part of the company. This is somet,hing
much more import,ant. . .

ALBERT

(Turns)

, Lf you're going to discuss what I think you're going to

discuss, I'rTr in no mood to discuss it
(Sits at HfS desk)
Rosie

(Goes to HIM)

ROS

IE

There' s nothing to discuss, Albert, .

eonrad Birdie' s going in

the Army; I've quit . There's nothing you can do but give up
the business and go back to college and get your....
ATBERT

(Interruptirg)
...Rosie, I'm up to my ears in debt! Conrad's got a fiftythousand dollar guarantee which I can't pay! And I've just
taken a severe overdose of aspirin. .
.

A1bert, this

may be

(uusic

b_/

ROS

IE

your last

chance!

"AAI ENGLTSH TEAcHER''

Will you listen

ROS

IE

to me, Albert . . . . I'm serious

HTS GOING TN THE ARMY

IS THE BEST THING HE COUTD DOI
NOW YOU'RE FREE TO START TO DO

WHAT YOU WAI{TED TO.

ALBERT? ALBERT! AL

BERT!

I REMEMBER HOW YOU TOLD ME

I SHOULD TRUST YOU FOR A YEAR,
IT WOULD 'JUST BE FOR A YEAR,
BUT TT'S EIGHT YEARS, ALBERT
!

EIGHT LONG YEARS, ALBERT!

a-r-4
11

ALBERT

Rosie, it takes time to build a business!

IT

ROS

WAS ONLY

A SIDELINE,

IE

THAT'S I'IHAT YOU SAID,

YOU JUST NEEDED SOME MONEY,
THAT, S IIIHAT YOU SAID.
YOU WERE GOING TO COLLEGE,
AIID GET ATIEAD I
INSTEAD OF BEING A MUSIC BUSINESS BUM,
YOU WERE GOING TO N. Y. f'. ADID BECOME. . .
(SUn runs to door. ALBERT

dashes af ter HER. Music cont,inues

under dialogue)
.

Don't say it,

Rosie

ALBERT
!

ROSTE

(Shouts out the door)

An English teacher!
Rosie

ALBERT
!

ROS

IE

And furthermore, he wrote poetryl

AI,BERT

Rose, please. . .

ROSIE

Closes door, backs HIM

to center)
And in the N.Y.IJ. yearbook for L952 under I'AIbert Peterson's
favorite piece of literature, I' you know what it says?
(

Litt, le

(Into the

Women!

phone)

ALBERT

(Sinking into desk chair)

f'm ruined in show business.
AI\T ENGLISH TEACI{ER !
AIV ENGLISH TEACHER,
rF ONLY YOU'D BEEN
AIV ENGLISH TEACHER !

ROSTE

1-1-5
WE'D HAVE A LITTLE APARTMENT
YOU'D GET A SUIqMER VACATION,
A}TD WE WOULD KNOW WHAT

LIFE

IN

L2
QUEENS,

MEA}TS.

A MAN WHO'S GOT HIS I\4ASTERS

IS REALLY SOMEONB
HOW PROUD I'D BE IF
!

YOU HAD BECOME ONE !

IT COULD HAVE BEEN SUCH A WONDERFUL LIFE

I COULD HAVE BEEN MISSIS PETERSON,

MTSSIS ALBERT PETERSON,

S PHI BETA KAPPA PETERSON,
THE ENGLISH TEACHER'S WIFE.

MI SS I

OPTIONAL CUT

IT

WAS GOODBYB, GEOFFREY CHAUCER,

HELLO, WILLIAM MORRIS,

GOODBYE, N. Y.IJ.
HELLO, ALMAELOU, 'CAUSE

WHEN YOU WROTE CONRAD'S LAST HIT ''UGGA BUGGA BOOI'

THEN I KNEW THIS WAS IT
YOU WERE THRU WITH ENGLISH FOREVER.

A}T ENGLISH TEACHER

IS REALLY SOMEONE,
HOW PROUD f'D BE IF YOU HAD BECOME ONE.

IT COULD HAVE BEEN SUCH A WONDERFUL LIFE,

] COULD HAVE BEEN MISSIS PETERSON,

MISSIS ALBERT PETERSON,

MISSIS PHI BETA KAPPA PETERSON,
THE ENGLISH TEACHER'S WIFE.

(Uusic out

f or

dialogue

ALBERT

Suddenly ri s ing )
. . . Rose , T' 1l make a deal with you ! St,ay with me, help me get
t,he money to pay Conrad' s guarant , and as soon as I'm out, of
t,he red... .I' II dissolve the company and go back to the
academic life !
(

ROS

IE

Albert, You're on
(enO sHE goes to HER desk,
picks up smal l file drawer)
!

Of course it may take

at the latesL, we' 1l
.

ALBERT
a whi Ie , but
aa

(SHn s lams the file

....What,ts that?

I ' m sure that, by 1973 or ' 7 4

on HIS desk)

1-1-5
13
ROS

IE

Somet,hing that 's going to push that date

a name.

Pick what, name ?

a few years.

up

Pick

ALBERT

What are you t,alking about,

ROS IE
Al I right , I' 11 do it f or you .
(SHn picks card)
. . . .MacAfee. Kim MacAfee. Age f ifteen,

president and
recording secretary Conrad Birdie Fan CIub Number 27 48 of Sweet
Apple, Ohio.
(Picking up phone)
Mary, would you get me Sweet Apple, Ohio. The numberrs....
(neads from card)
. . . . Capitol 7 double eight two oh. And call me right back.
ALBERT

(nising,'as ROSIE hangs up)

Now wait a minute! What's going on here?
Whateverhername is?
ROS

Who'

Kim

IE

Kim MacAfee, Albert, is what's going to send you back t,o

college wit h the biggest hit song t,his business has ever seen !
fL's called "One Last Kiss!rt

I never heard of it..

ALBERT
ROS

IE

You havenf t. writt.en it, yeL .

(f-,eads HIM to piano , seat. s HIM)
. . . But when you do and when that one last kiss is from Conrad
Birdie on his way into the big cold Army for two long years and
when he gives that kiss to one of his fans chosen at random
f rom one mi I l ion two hundred thousand hyst,erical teen- agers ,
it ' 11 make Mr. Birdie the hottest soldier since Joan of Arc !
(nuring speech SHE has placed a blank
piece of sheet music on t,he piano)
ALBERT

(nises)
Rose, I tm beginning t,o see it !
York.
*
Take

Apple ::::ad,

ROS

IE

We

cut the record here in

that greasy bongo-playing car-thief

Let him kiss the kid.

ALBERT

to Sweet

New

L-L-7
ROS

L4

IE

And release the record. !

(sgs goes to HER desk, HE goes left )
Albert, you' 11 make enough money to stay in college the rest of

your life

(sHe

sits at

HER desk)
ALBERT

(ttg goes right, leans over

piano to ROS IE
wonderful I And I promise you, ds soon as this thing
Lt's
,
is settled, it'll be just the two of us, Rosel In perfect
bliss ! f '11 get a job teaching English and. . .
(rr hirs HrM)
. . . Bliss ! Kiss ! That rhymes
(nu sirs
I wonder if anyone's ever used it before?
(nnthusiastic again)
. . . Oh, what difference does it make ! ft'II
be great for the
song! Oh one last kiss; it gives so much b1iss. . .what is your
dentifrice
)

Rose

(lvtusic)
ENGLISH TEACHER

No, that's

TAG (ROSIE)
ALBERT

too clinical . . .
(ana as HE works away furiously at
the piano ROSIE looks at HIM and
sof t ly begins to sing)
o

ROS

A}U ENGLISH TEACHER,

AI\I ENGI,ISH TEACHER,
SOME DAY HE MAY BE
AI\T ENGLISH TEACHER.

(The

PHONE

rings .

IE

ROSIE Xes

L and answers it

Yes? WeII, every phone in Sweet App1e can't be busyr what's

going on there? Kim MacAfee just, got pinned to who? Never
mind, M?ry, keep trying and call me right back.
(SuE hangs up)

THEN WE WOULD HAVE SUCH A WONDERFUL LTFE!

THEN T MIGHT BE MISSIS PETERSON,
MISSIS ALBERT PETERSON,
MISSIS PHI BETA KAPPA PET.ERSON,
THE ENGLISH TEACHER'S WTFE !

(f,fGHTS FADE as units move off L and

R)

L-2-8
1-5

ACT ONE
Scene _2

Immediately up on FIRST TEEN-AGER

on

phone. Through number lights pick

up different KIDS, each indescribably
contorted into positions that de fy
gravity and physiology. THEY are
each seated in different cubicles of
a large multi - colored j ungle g1rm.
Each cubicle has a phone so that KIDS
can be assumed to be talking to each
other over a giant egg-box shaped
complex. Their voices are young,
piping, and f ul I of excitement
Something big has happened in their
set, and THEY can hardly wait t,o pass
the neuts.
.

rt

ftt

HI
HI

HELEN

NAIICY

HEIJEN

NAIVCY

$IHAT'S THE STORY,

HETEN

MORNING GTORY?

1^11.11T,

S THE TALE,

NA\ICY

NIGHTINGALE?
TELL ME QUICK ABOUT HUGO ArVD KrM

HI

ALICE
[,[,;ARGIE

HI , ALICE !
hIIIAT'S THE STORY,

MARGTE

MORNING GLORY?
ALTCE
14191T'S THE WORD,
HUMMINGBIRD?
HAVE YOU HEARD ABOUT HUGO A}UD KTM?

r-2-9
T6

HELEN, NAIICY, ALICE & MARGIE

DTD THEY REALLY GET PTNNED?
DID SHE KISS HIM A}TD CRY?
DID HE PIN THE PIN ON?
OR WAS HE TOO SHY?
WELL, I HEARD THEY GOT PINNED.
YEAFI

FREDDIE & I(AFL

YEAH.

WAS

HOPIN' THEY

FREDDIE & I(ARL

UH HUH.
NOW THEY'RE

HE'S

HELEN, NA}ICY, ALICE & MARGIE

WOULD

HELEN, NANCY, ALICE &

LIVTN' AT LAST.

MARGTE

FREDDIE & I(ARL

GONE.

HELEN, NANCY, ALICE & MARGIE

GOIN' STEADY FOR GOOD !

IARVEY

! MISTER HENKEL,
THIS IS HARVEY JOHNSON,
CA}] I SPEAK TO PENELOPE-ANN?

HELLO

IS IT
Penelope

PENELOPE

TRUE ABOUT KIM?

HARVEY

I JUST

IOIEW

IT

HARVEY

About the prom.

I

PENELOPE
SOMEHOW

PENELOPE

MUST CALL HER RIGHT UP.

HARVEY

SaLurd ay?
PENELOPE

r CAIV'T TALK TO YOU NOW

GOIN'

GIRLS
STEADY

r-2-10
L7

YOU KNOW
GOIN

MAN!

GIRLS

STEADY

BOYS

IT'S
GOIN

BOYS

IT!

CRAZY

MAN!

GIRLS
STEADY

YOU KNOW

BOYS

IT!

SUZ TE

IT

WON'T LAST !
NOT A PRAYER !
SHE I S TOO COOL !
HE'S TOO SQUARE !
HARVEY

HELLO, MTSSIS MILLER,

THIS IS HARVEY .TOHNSON,

CA\T I SPEAK TO DEBRA SUE?

BOYS

HIYA, HUGO !
HIYA, STUPID !
WHAT JA WANNA

GO GET PINNED FOR?

GIRLS

WELL, I HEARD THEY GOT PINNED!

HEY, YA

BOYS

MEATHEAD

GIRLS

WAS

HOPINI THEY WOULD!

BOYS

LOST YOUR W\RBLES?

NOW THEY'RE

GIRLS

LIVIN ' AT LAST I

BOYS

ARE YA NUTTY?
GOIN

STEADY FOR. .

GIRLS
.

I-2-r_1_
1'.8

HARVEY

HELLO, MRS. GARFEIN

IS

CHARITY HOME FROM SCHOOT YET?

SOME GIRLS

DID THEY REALLY GET

PINNED?
OTHER GIRLS
STEADY !

GOIN'

BOYS

SHE SAW HIM !

SOME GIRLS
WAS HOPIN' THEY WOULD !
OTHER GIRLS
STEADY !

GOIN'

BOYS

SHE DUG HIM !

SOME GIRLS
NOW THEY'RE LIVTN'

AT LAST !
OTHER GIRLS
STEADY !

GOIN'

BOYS

SHE NAILED HIM

GIRLS

GOIN' STEADY FOR GOOD.

IF

BOYS

YOU GOTTA GO
THAT'S THE WAY TO GO!
BOYS
WHEN THEY GOT

GIRLS

YA

o-o-o-o-H

WHATCHA GONNA DO!

WHATCHA GONNA DO!

o-o-o-o-H

GIRLS & MIXED COUPLES

WELL, I HEARD THEY GOT PINNED!

BOYS
OH, MJ\N !
OH, MAN!
OH, MAN!

THEN YOU'RE

HOOKED
REALLY COOKED

I WAS THINKING THEY WOULD !

NOW THEY'RE LIVTN' AT LAST
GOIN' STEADY FOR GOOD !
GOIN' STEADY,
GOIN' STEADY,
GOIN' STEADY,
STEADY FOR GOOD!

ooH !
ooH !
ooH !
ooH BUH DEE DOO,

L-2-L2
19

GIRLS & MIXED

GOIN'
GOIN'
GOIN'

BOYS & MIXED

COUPLES

COUPLES

UH DOO WAI{,
UH DOO

STEADY,
STEADY,
STEADY,

DOO WAI{
OOH BUH DEE DOO.

STEADY FOR GOOD!

ALL GIRLS
HE'S IN LOVE WITH KIM,
KTM'S IN LOVE WITH HTM !
GIRLS
WHE-ELL
WELL.

BOYS

GOTN' STEADY,

GOIN'
GOrN'

STEADY,
STEADY,

DOO OO

STEADY FOR GOOD!

TELL

GOTN' STEADY,
GOTN' STEADY,

GOIN'

WHE-ELL
WELL.

DOO OO

STEADY,

STEADY FOR GOOD!

TELL

ALTOS & BASSES

THAT'S THE WAY IT SHOULD BE !

THEY'LL BE HAPPY , T KNOW!
GOIN' STEADY'S FOR ME.
THAT'S THE WAY YOU SHOULD GO!
GIRLS

STEADY,
STEADY,
STEADY FOR GOOD!

GOIN'
GOIN'
BOYS
YEAII !

TELEPHoNE HoUR

& TENORS

GOIN'
GOIN'

& GIRLS

BLACKOUT

SOPRANOS
YEAI{
OH, YEAI{
OH, YEAII

oH,

GOTN' STEADY,

STEADY,
STEADY,
STEADY !

OH

OC

BOYS

GOTN' STEADY,
GOTN' STEADY.

GOIN'
GOIN'
GOIN'

OO

PLAYoFF (orchestra)

STEADY,
STEADY !

1-3-1-3
20

ACT

ONE

Scene

As l ight, s come

up , we see URSULA
a dark-haired, hyperenthusiastic young lady of about,
fifteen, sitting in a window DL
talking excitedly on the phone.

MERKLE,

URSULA

. . . Kim MacAf ee, what do you mean you' re resigning f rom t.he Fan
CIub I f mean j ust because Hugo Peabody gave you his pin
doesn't mean you have t.o retire from aII social lif e ! Going
steady is ve ry import ant but t,here are some things more

important t,han very important and the Conrad Birdie Fan Club is
one of Ehem
( fn event of a technical problem and MacAFEE
house is not, in DS position, SHE may add:
I mean , af ter a1I, where else can we girls gat,her toget,her to
worship that wonderf ul creat,ure ? I mean , do you real i ze what
you'd be giving up, Kim?
)

(the MacAFEE HOUSE has moved DS, the scrim

is up and we see KIM UR in HER upst,airs
bedroom. House is a Lwo-st,ory affair, bedroom
upstairs, combination famify room and kitchen
downstairs. KIM is a month or two older t,han
URSULA, very pretty, quite self -possessed)
KIM

Into phone)
I ' m so rry, Ursula , but, my mind' s made up . Of course , I' 11
still play his records, but things like the Pledge and t,he
Conrad Birdie Scream are past me know.
(

URSULA

You're giving up t,he scream? You mean when Conrad Birdie

singrs, on t,elevision , You'rd noL going t.o go M!
(Tragical ly)
....oh, Kim!
(Downstairs, MRS . MacAFEE has crossed L
and fifLed the telephone through the last
of above . SHE now put, s i t down and cal l s
upstairs
)

MRS. MacAFEE

Kim Dear, would you please get off the phone. r've got
calls to make.

some

1-3 -74
2T

A1

I right ,

(Cal l ing down

Mot,her !

KIM

to

HER.

(fhen back into phone

, T 've got to hang uD . Ycu' 1I explain
everyLhing t,o the ot,her kids , won ' ts- y:u ?
)

. . . . Sorry, Ursu1a

UR.SULA

I suppose I' 11 have t,o . 'Bye , K:n. .

(SUf hangs up . KIM hrangs utr)
URSULA leans out windcw)
. . . Kim, are you sure? I mean af ter all !
are you absolutely sure?
.

I mean realIy,

KIM
THEY eviCent

Iy l ive
right next, door t.o each ot her )
Af ter al-I, I'rTr f if teen years old and it's
(ef so leaning .

Positive.
sett led down.

time I

(Through t,he course of f ol lowing song,

KIM puts on jeans, huge sweater, socks
and baseball cap)

"How LovELY To BE A woMAN"

KIM

WHEN YOU'RE

Kim,

A SKINNY CHILD OF FOURTEEN

WIRED WITH BRACES FROM EAR TO EAR,

YOU DOUBT THAT YOU COULD EVER BE APPEALING.
THEN HALLELUJAI{ I YOU ARE FIFTEEN
A}TD THE BRACES DISAPPEAR
A}TD YOUR SKIN IS SMOOTH AI{D CLEAR
AND YOU HAVE THAT HAPPY, GROWN-UP, FEMALE FEELING
HOW LOVELY TO BE A WOMAN!
THE WAIT WAS WELL WORTH WHILE,
HOW LOVELY TO WEAR MASCARA,
A\TD SMILE A WOMAN'S SMILE.
HOW LOVELY TO HAVE A FIGURE
THAT'S ROUND INSTBAD OF FLAT,
WHENEVER YOU HEAR BOYS WHISTLE
YOU'RE WHAT THEY'RE WHISTLING AT

IT'S WONDERFUL TO FEEL

THE WAY A WOMAN FEELS,
IT GTVES YOU SUCH A GLOW
JUST TO KNOW
YOU'RE WEARING LIPSTICK A\TD HEELS

r_-3-15
22

KfM (Continued)

HOW LOVELY TO BE A WOMAN,

A\TD HAVE ONE JOB TO DO:
TO PICK OUT A BOY A}ilD TRAIN HIM,
AI\TD THEN WHEN YOU ARE THROUGH,
YOU'VE MADE HIM THE MAN YOU WAIVT HIM TO BE
LIFE'S LOVELY WHEN YOU'RE A WOMAN LIKE ME !
HOW WONDERFUL TO KNOW
THE THINGS A WOMAN KNOWS !
HOW MARVELOUS TO WAIT
FOR A DATE
IN SIMPLY BEAUTIFUL CLOTHES

HOW LOVELY TO BE A WOMAN

AI\TD CHANGE FROM BOYS TO MEN !
AND GO TO A FAI\TCY NIGHT CLUB,
AND STAY OUT AFTER TEN!
HOW LOVELY TO BE SO GROWN-UP AIVD FREE !
LIFE'S LOVELY WHEN YOU'RE A WOMAN LTKE ME.

(As song ends lights come up on downstairs

portion of house and MRS. MacAFEE goes to
We also notice MR. MacAFEE
foot of stairs.
quiet ly reading HIS paper, SR, orl stool )
MRS. MacAFEE

Kim, there' s a call for you. The operator said she' s been
trying to get through for nearly three-quarters of an hour!
..

KIM

(Gets up. Puts on slippers behind

bed so audience does not see them)
Thank you Doris. f'11 take it down there.
MRS. MacAFEE

She said it was long-distance and I can't imagine who. . .

(SHe stops)

...What did you say?

KTM

(es SHE start s downstairs )

I said, thank you Doris.
(We see HER cLearly now and not,ice that,
SHE is we aring those enormous,
shaggy pink f ur scuf f s )
. . . There's no need to look so upset . It t s modern to call
your mother by her first name. ft makes the mother and
daught,er more like pals.
And your father?

MRS. MacAFEE

1-3-15
23

KIM

f ' 11 cal l him Ha rry, natura I Iy .

(Un . MacAFEE looks up f rom paper, mut,t,ers
trYgffirr, then laughs mirthlessly)
. . .By the way I think llarry t,ook the news about Hugo and I
awf uIIy we 11 , don ' t you , Dori s ?
(MRS. MacAFEE has to sit down.
Meanwhile, KIM has gone to phone)
o . . This is she. Yes , I ' 1I wait.
MRS. MacAFEE

I don't know. Yesterday I was a mother. Today f 'm a pa1

(Cets up and heads f or stairs
. . .Are you sure you wouldn't like t,o call me Mom? That' s

moderll

KIM

I'm sorry, but times are changing and you've got t,o go along
with them or be lef t, behind with t,he old f olks
(then casually)
. . .By t,he way, Doris, have you goL a cigarett,e? I seem to
have run out.
!

(UnS . MacAFEE hurries upsLairs, Lrying

MR. MacAFEE
to hold back a sniffle.
has risen from stool in kitchen SR, put
down HIS newspaper and crossed to KIM)

I'm not an old

MR. MacAFEE
man!

(SadIY)

,..

I was eighteen in World War fI.

(ana HE exits.
KIM has been listening on
phone through this and as MR. MacAFEE
exits we see HER expression change from
that of a poised woman to a dazed child.
Slowly SHE put,s down the phone. Then in
a very smal1 voice. . . )
KIM

Conrad Birdie. . . is coming here. . . to kiss

(Then weakly)
Dori s .
(a bit louder )
Mother. o.
(a shout )
. . . .Mg$sl4-!-

MRS. MacAFEE

Baby

...

(Running downst airs

(Grabbing KIM in HER arms)

Baby, what is itZ ! Wirat' s wrong?

me?

1-3 -L7
24

It' s Conrad Birdie,

KIM

Mommy I

He' s

going to kiss

me

MRS. MacAFEE

That's nice, dear. Now you just put your head on

shoulder.
(rHnY sit, on steps

Mommy's

You don't, understand!

KIM

Conrad Birdie is coming here to SweeL

Apple to kiss rne goodbye ! Oh,

Mommy, Mommy I

MRS. MacAFEE

I never thought I'd say it. . . But God Bless Conrad Birdie
(the HOUSE is moving US, the Lf GHTS FADE,
NO. 1 brown border comes on and we begin
t,o hear...)

pENN srATIoN_jrRANSrrroN

(orchesrra)

r-4-18
25

ACT

ONE
4

Scene

n_/

PENN STATION
TRANSITION
(Cont inued)

WE LOVE YOU, CONRAD,

OH YES WE DO!
WE LOVE YOU, CONRAD,

Three plaintive VOICES shrilling

wild1y in the BLACKOUT. SPOTLIGHT
comes up DR and we see three
identj-calIy dressed TEEN AGE GIRLS,
their Conrad Birdie but,t,ons on
their 1apeIs, t,heir heads f lung
back as THEY sai I int,o the f ort ieth
chorus of the same song.
TEEN TRIO & TEENAGE

CHORUS

WE'LL BE TRUE !
WHEN YOU'RE NOT NEAR US
WE'RE BLUE!
OH, CONRAD, WE LOVE YOU!
AI\TD

(lrGHTS have come up and we find

ourselves in f ront, of TRAIN GATE,
PENNSYLVAI{IA STATION. TEEN TRIO
continues singing loudly as
ALBERT hurries on)
ALBERT

Hi girIs, sorry I'm late. Now let's go over the Birdie song
once more before we go down to the Lrain.
(the TRIO move C2 to join other
TEEN GIRLS waiting f or CONRAD.
ALBERT not ices cloud of smoke,
t akes cigarette out, of ONE GIRL' s
m,outh, drops it on f loor and
stamps it, out )
. . . Remember t,he Conrad Birdie Creed, dear . No smoking t, i 1
you're fourteen. A1l right now, shall we try it?
GIRLS
them)

(as HE conduct s

WE LOVE YOU, CONRAD,

OH YES WE DO !
wE LOVE YOU, CONRAD. . . . .
(Suddenly, ALBERT not,ices SAD LITTLE

GIRL sLanding al-one DL. HE stops

the singing and calls to

HER)

L-4-1-9
26
ALBERT

Oh, l-itt1e girl ! You can sing with us if you want.

. , . What'

( Sttg doesn' t answer)

s the matter wit,h her?

ONE GIRL

Oh she's just sad because Conrad's going into

she' 11 be too o1d for him when he gets out .

the Army and

ALBERT

(Looking again. SAD GIRL

is no more than thirt,een)
I think she still has a few good years lef t, . Look, why don't
you girls go on down t,o Track L2 and I ' 11 t alk to her
(T}tgY go. HE shouts af ter THEM)
. . . And stay ouL of t,he bar !
.

(Uus

ic st,art s

(Then HE turns t,o t,he

SAD

GIRL. Starts to HER)

Hi! I'm Albert Pet,erson, Conrad's manager.
(No reaction)
. . . . Come on, now, that' s no way to be ! Things can't be that
black ! Smile
(luothi*g)
LiEt, le gi tI , t,his is an adult, speaking ! I order you to smile .
(SttU t,urns away f rom HIM
HE Xes L of HER. Gently)
!

. . . Please.

ba

ITPUT

oN A HAPPY FACE"

ALBERT
GRAY SKIES ARE GONNA CLEAR UP,
PUT ON A HAPPY FACE !
BRUSH OFF THE CLOUDS AI\TD CHEER UP,
PUT ON A HAPPY FACE !

TAKE OFF THE GLOOMY MASK OF TRAGEDY,

rT, S NOT' YOUR STYLE !

YOU'LL LOOK SO GOOD THAT YOU'LL BE
YA DECIDED TO SMILE !
(Takes HER hand and XR to C)
PICK OUT A PLEASAI{T OUTLOOK !
STICK OUT THAT NOBLE CHIN !
WIPE OFF THAT FULL-OF-DOUBT LOOK !
SLAP ON A HAPPY GRIN !
(UB kneels, hat, in hand)

GLAD

a-4-20
27

ALBERT (Continued)

AAID SPREAD SUNSHINE ALL OVER THE PLACE

JUST PUT ON A HAPPY FACE !

(ltg sets HER on HIS knee but

rises and moves DR, still

SHE

sad)

(gn f oIlows HER R, Lhen. . . )

PUT ON A HAPPY FACE !
(SHg moves L to RC; HE follows)
PUT ON

HAPPY FACE

(He sLrikes John L. Sullivan Pose

TF YOU'RE FEELING CROSS AIID BICKER] SH,

DON'T SIT AIVD WHINE !

A}TD

(f,eaning to HER L )

THINK OF BANANA SPLITS AIVD LICORISH,

(t,eaning to HER R)

AI\TD

YOU'LL FEEL FINE !

(Taking of f HIS hat and creasing it,. . . )

I KNEW A GIRL SO GLOOMY

SHE'D NEVER LAUGH OR SING!
SHE WOULDN'T LTSTEN TO ME,
(Hg puts HIS hat, on HER head)
NOW SHE'S A MEA}U OLD THING !
(SHe preens s1ighLly and moves L.
HE follows and retrieves hat )
SO SPREAD SUNSHINE ALL OVER THE PLACE,
JUST...

.pulls hat down over

HIS head and. mugs )
. . . PUT ON A HAPPY FACE !
(Un

(ana as music conLinues, ALBERT dances

with t,he SAD GIRL in an attempt t,o cheer
HER up. When HB finally
manages to
part,ially do this, HE turns R and f inds a
SECOND SAD GIRL in a similar costume, wit,h
a similar long face. ALBERT squares HIS
shoulders, dances wit,h them both. EXf TS
with SECOND SAD GIRL near end, then comes
back to find FIRST SAD GIRL as gloomy as
ever. It is only when HE gives up, start,s
of f L, and bumps int.o the proscenium t.hat
SHE finally
laughs. ALBERT is triumphant,
HE twirls HER around, SHE sits happily on
HIS lap as t,he dance ends )
ALBERT (Continued)

(es catL , loaded with luggage start, s out f rom R2 )

gosh,
. . .My
there's our luggage ! Hurry up, Jittle girl;
you'd
bet,t,er get down to Track Twelve if you want tc see Conrad
before he goes
!

r-4-2r
28

(SAP GIRL runs of f L2 aS ALBERT crosses

t,o luggage cart which has started DS
pushed by someone invisible behind
aI l- t,he suitcases
)

ALBERT (Continued)

get that stuff down t,o Track Twe1ve on the

(Cart st,arts L in 1 and HE sees that
it is ROSIE pushirg)
....Rosie!
What, are you doing

Oh, boy !

double . . !

Wou1d you

ROS

IE

Get,ting our t,hings down to the station without any help from

you, AlberL

Rose, I 'fiI sorry.

t,hings u.p. .

ALBERT

I don'L suppose a generous tip would make

ROS

IE

the briefcase)
Albert , just take your briefcase and go down t,o that train
before any of those reporters talk to Conrad alone. You know
what, happened the last t, ime
(Hands HIM

(tneINMAN has entered from L2 and

removed baggage cart t,hrough L2)
ALBERT

(Handing briefcase back to

You hang onto it,

ROS

IE

Speaking of your mo!,her, AIberL

dissolving Almaelou
I

coul-dn'

Of what?

t Rosie

HER)

Rose. I've got to wait here for

.

Mamma.

have you t.ofd her about

ALBERT

Yesterday was the anniversary.

ROS

IE

AI,BERT

(taking of f HIS hat )

Lou. Six years ago he was hit on 1-81st St,reet and Broadway by
a loaded beer truck.
(.lust t,hen an ear- splitting
"YOOHOO" is heard off R)
Do you suppose that's Mamma?
ROS

IE

It,' s either her or the all -c1ear.

1,-4-22
29

(Ent,ering
Yoohoo

MR.S

R2

PETERSON

(SUn is a Mamma in eveyy sense of t,he

word. SHE wears a faded pink dress,
a f abulous f uI I - length beige mink coat,
and brown walkover shoes. SHE shoves
HER way through a group of TRAVELERS)

Sonny

Mamma

! What' s t.he matter?

(fHgY embrace. SHE staggers)

ALBERT

MRS.

PETERSON

Don'.t worry about, me, sonny. I'm just, a lit,tle

thg subway....

faint,

from

ALBERT

Mamma,

I told you to take a taxi

Taxi !

What,

Mamma,

you know Rose Alvarez

MRS.

PETERSON

do I need wit,h taxis? I' 1I leave the taxis f or rfty

successful- son. A mother can ride crowded in a dirty subway
full of foreign people wouldn't give you a seat if your life
depended on it, but, what's the dif f erence; nowadays a mother is
lower than dirt, an)rway ! Here's t,he money I saved f rom not
taking the taxi; buy some candy wit,h it, .
(Looks at ROSIE)
Who's she?
ALBERT
f rom

MRS.

the of f ice.

PETERSON

This is Rose Alvarez? Pretty lit,t, Ie Rose Alva rez? I can, t

believe it....
(fhen with an agonized shout)
....Rose, what happened? You had a sudden shock or something?
ROS

IE

(Trying to get out, crosses L)

Excuse me, Albert; I think I' 1l go see if Conrad's here .
MRS.

PETERSON

By all means, Miss Alvarez .

(Putting HER arm around ROSIE)
. . . . Look at her, sonny. How nice she l-ooks. It's a wonder to
me some older man doesn't, snat,ch her of f . A personabl-e maLLon
like that with brains and a few dollars.
What, a catch you'd be
for a convalescent . Goodbye, Rose
(Extends hand . ROS IE t,akes it )
.

L-4-23
30
ROS

Goodbye, Mae.

CalI

MRS.

me Mrs. Peterson.
(nOSIE exits

IE
PETERSON

ALBERT

what I wanted to discuss wit,h you is sort of about

Rose. Maybe you'd better sit down.

Mamma,

MRS.

PETERSON

Why? I know my Sonny. He loves his mamma.

to say anything t,hat would break her heart.
(

. . . What

Leve 1IY)
Rose?

He isn' t going
Go ahead, dear.

about

WeIl, it's

ALBERT

about Lou, too.

MRS.

PETERSON

(es if struck. Calling t,o heaven)

Where are you, Lou? Struck down by a beverage f

. ...Lou.
consumed f aithfully

(To

for thirty-two years.

ALBERT)

What about Lou?

WeIl,

Mamma, Rose
Almae IoLr .

(MRS.

PETERSON
Mama?

What's the matter,

ALBERT

thinks, and I agree, that I should give up

staggers
MRS.

PETERSON

Nothing' s the maLter. You killed me , that' s all

(Looking up)
. . .Lou, I'fiI coming. f tm on my way up.
ALBERT

You don't understand, Mdmma. It's

mean I thought....I
mean...

just that Rose t,hought . . . I

(Giving up)
Look, M?mma, here's some money. Take a cab home. The subways
are too crowded.
MRS.

PETERSON

Not,hing is Loo crowded f or a mother. I' 1I take the I . R. T.

That's the worst subway
(A1te.rna-te_ Ii4e Jor locales too Lar
f rom New York: ftl'l-I go during the
rush hour. That' s the worst t,ime . " )
Wait a minute, how many blocks is it after all? OnIy a
hundred and seven. r' 11 wa1k.

L-4-24
31
ALBBRT
Mamma. .

MRS.

PETERSON

(as SHE leaves, filoving R)

Enjoy yourself, son. Take care. Wear your heavy coat. Be
careful crossing the street,. Keep your money in your inside
pocket. Wear your rubbers. And eat a hot lunch. .
.

(SHg i s gone DR . ROS IE has ent,ered L2

through train gate in t,ime to witness
HER exit )
ROS

IE

. . . .AlberL, I thought you were going to break it to her senLly.

(

ALBERT

Sheepishty)

WeII, as a matter of f act, Rosie , T didn't teII her at, aII . I

mean, she was so upset about my^ leaving I thought I'd beLter
wait
.

(Uus

ic start,

s)

You mean you didn'E. . . .?

ROS

IE

POLICEMAN

Rushing in L1 )
He's comingl He's coming! Conrad Birdie's
(

coming!

ALBERT

on, Rosie ! Conrad' s coming ! And we can't let him t,alk

t,hose reporters alone !

Come

ROSiE

But Albert, you promised me that. . . .

(I(f DS, REPORTERS rush by saying
t'Hef s coming! Conrad's cominq!")

Later, Rosie !

ALBERT

Conrad needs me. Lat,er. . . .

(Screams and cries fill

the air as PEOPLE

rush back and forth and now CONRAD BIRDIE
and HIS GUITARMAN ent,er DL surrounded by
KIDS, REPORTERS, POLICE. THEY pause CS
A REPORTER start s to take HIS picture;
CONRAD shoves HfM away. AJJ action is
suspended as HE takes a comb from HfS
pocket, combs HIS pompadour, then signals
HE is ready to pose. FLASH BULBS pop)
.

t,o

L-4-25
32

FIRST

REPORTER

Hey, how about answering a coupla questions, Conrad? Like

do you feel about, going into the Army?
(ROSIE and ALBERT desperately shoulder
their way through the crowd j ust, as
CONRAD is about to answer)

''A HEALTHY NQRMAL

AMERICAI\T BOYI'

ALBERT
HOW DOES HE FEEL?
YOU ASK HOW HE FEELS?
HE'S MUCH TOO SHY TO TELL YOU
SO I'LL TELL YOU HOW HE FEELS,
HE FEELS BRAVE AIVD EAGER !
STRANGELY HUMBLE !
PROUD TO BE A PLAIN G. I . !
ROS IE
HE WTLL GLADLY
FACE THOSE BULLETS,
FOR HE' S NOT AFRAID TO DIE.

FOR HE'S A FINE,

TEENS

UPSTAIVDING, PATRIOTIC, HEALTHY,

NORMAL AMERICA\I BOY !
ALBERT

And that' s why he volunt,eered f or. . . .

FIRST

REPORTER

Volunt,eered? I t,hought he was draf ted

And he appealed

(To TEEN TRIO)

Sing !

THIRD

t,hree t,imes
ROS

REPORTER
!

IE

TEEN TRIO
WE LOVE YOU, CONRAD !
oH, YES WE DO !
wE LOVE YOU, CONRAD !
AIVD WE'LL BE TRUE !
WHEN YOU'RE NOT NEAR US, WE'RE BLUE!
oH, coNRAD, WE LOVE YOU !

Very nice

(Applauditg)
!

ALBERT

how

L-4-26
33

What '

FIR.ST REPORTER
FicI lywood st,arlet

s t,he pitch on t,hat

t,wo engaged?

, Conrad? Are you

ROSIE

IS HE ENGAGED?
IS CONRAD ENGAGED?

THERE'S ABSOLUTELY NOTHING

TO THE RUMOR HE'S ENGAGED !
ALBERT

SHE'S A REAL PAL, LIKE A SISTER,

BUT IT DOESN'T MEAN A THING !
AI\TD

IT

THAT EIGHTEEN- CAIU\T DIAMOND .

WAS .JUST

FRIENDSHIP

RTNG

TEENS

FOR

HE'S A FINE, UPSTA}IDING, PATRIOTIC,

NORMAL AMERICA}T BOY

HEALTHY,

THIRD

Then why was her husband so

Sing

(to

REPORTER
mad?

ALBERT

TEEN TRIO)

WE LOVE YOU, CONRAD

OH, YES WE DO !
WE LOVE YOU, CONRAD

AI{D

WE',

TEEN TRIO
!

LL BE TRUE, HIrM. . .
ALBERT

(as TEEN TRIO cont,inues hummirg)

I' 1l never forget Conrad's first words when he heard he' s
been accept,ed into the Armed Forces . 'r Say, Mr . Petersofl, "
he cried eagerly, I'Do you suppose I can get assigned to
the f ront - l ine t,renches ? That way I ' 11 be sure to get
me one of those dirty j erries . . . t'
Albert
. . . . Or

ROS

IE

whoever's dirty

ALBERT

this time

TRAVELER

(Coming DLC)
Hey, Mr. Peterson , give us the real scoop:

drinking a lot

Is Conrad still

L- 4 -27
34
ROS

(Quickly crossing

LISTEN HERE !
THAT GOSSIP MUST STOP !
HE GOES TO CHURCH EACH
AND HE DOESN'T TOUCH A

IE

L)

NOW

SUNDAY
DROP

ALBERT

HE'S AS DECENT AS A MINISTER !

HE' S AS SOBER AS A .JUDGE !
HE SUBSCRIBES TO EV'RY CHARITY !
AND HIS HOBBY'S MAKING FUDGE !
TEENS

FOR

HE'S A FINE UPSTANDING, PATRIOTIC,

NORMAL AMERICA}U BOY

HEALTHY,

(ELEERT and ROSIE force

t.o HIS knees

CONRAD

TWO REPORTERS

n unison, ONE to ALBERT, ONE to ROSIE)

Is it, Lrue that, you found Conrad in a reform school?
(f

THAT

IS A LIE

ALBERT

and ROSIE

A LIE THROUGH A}ilD THROUGH

I'LL TELL YOU WHERE HE CAME FROM,
HERE'S THE STORY, AIID TT'S TRUE!
!

ALBERT
ROS IE
HE WAS BORN TN INDO-CHINA, HE WAS BORN IN OLD VIRGINTE,
SON OF MISSTONARIES THERE, ON A THOUS$TD-ACRE FARMI
VERY POOR A}UD VERY HUNGRY, FROM A LINE OF WEALTHY
WHAT A CRUEL LIFE TO BEARI
THEN HE DRIFTED DOWN TO
HONG KONG,
TO A WATERFRONT SALOON!

PLATUTERS,

FULL OF GENTEEL, SOUTHERN CHARMI

EV'RY EVENING BY THE RTVER,

IN

THE MOONLTGHT, THEY

WOULD

CROON !

WHERE I HEARD HIM

THAT'S WHERE CONRAD STARTED
INGING ,
S INGING,
DIRTY
HONG
KONG
THAT
'NEATH
'NEATH THAT SWEET PLAATTATION

THAT

IS

MOON

MOON!

ADULTS, ALBERT & ROSIE

TEENAGERS

wE LOVE YOU,

CONRAD
oH, YES, WE DO !
WE LOVE YOU, CONRAD

AIfD WE'LL BE

oH,

oH,

TRUE

OH, BEAUTIFUL

FOR SPACIOUS SKIES,

FOR AMBER WAVES

OF

GRATN

L-4-28
3s

TEENAGERS
CONRAD
WE LOVE YOU

ADULTS, ALBERT & ROSIE

AMERTCA,
AMERICA,
GOD SHED HTS
GRACE ON THEE,

WE LOVE YOU, CONRAD

WE'LL BE TRUE

ALL
FOR HE,S A FINE, UPSTAI\TDING,
AV' RAGE, MODEST, PATRIOTIC,

HEALTHY, NORMAL,
AMERICA\T, AMERICA}I BOY !

TRAINMAN

All Aboard

(CROWD waves;

KIDS clutch at

CONRAD

as

HE,

ROSIE and ALBERT and GUITARMAN move UL and

board rear platform of t,rain now in view as

masking leg flies . As the song continues,

the set begins to change from PENN STATION
IO IhC RAITROAD STATION aT SWEET APPLE, OHIO.
Raincoated CROWD of TRAVELERS, REPORTERS and
KIDS gives way to wel-coming CROWD of
brightly dressed KIDS and TOWNSPEOPLE waving
pompoms . A ff Welcome Birdie " banner f lies
in. VOICES change from the fulI sound of
CROWD at PENN STATION to shrill
voices of
the KIDS as THEY singr . . )

PENN STATIoN

To SWEET

TEENAGERS

APPLE
ADULTS

WE LOVE YOU, CONRAD !

OH, YES, WE DO!
WE LOVE YOU, CONRAD!
A}TD WE'LL BE TRUE !
oH, oH,

FOR SPACIOUS SKTES,

FOR AMBER WAVES
OF GRATN. . .

WE LOVE YOU,
WE LOVE YOU, CONRAD

AMERICA,
AMERICA,
GOD SHED HIS
GRACE ON THEE,

CONRAD

WE'LL BE

TRUE

GOD BLESS

AMERICA

OH, BEAUTIFUL

FOR HE'S A FINE, UPSTAI\TDING

AV' RAGE, MODEST, PATRIOTIC,
HEALTHY, NORMAL,

ALL
AMERTCAIV,

AMERICA}U BOY !

1_-5

-29
36

ACT

ONE
5

Scene

SWEET APPLE RAILROAD STATION.

URSULA

(On baggage wagon which comes in from R,

with KIM as singing ends )
...Conrad Birdie, welcome to Sweet Apple! Now before we
escort you to t,he Town HalI where t,he Mayor himself is waititrg,
I would like to introduce to you the girl upon whom you have
chosen to bestow your f inal kiss upoll . . .and who wil] now lead
us in reciting the Conrad Birdie Pledge ! Kim MacAfee !
(TEEN GIRLS scamper int,o

position below

URSULA)

KIM ANd TEEN GIRLS

(Cfapping their hands over their hearts)

I , Kim MacAf ee,

gives HER own name)

. . . being of sound mind and body, do hereby promise to
loya1 , courteous, steadf ast and t,rue, to Conrad Birdie
both indivisible,
and the United States of America
with l iberty and j ust, ice f or al l
(EACH GIRL

(a greaL cheer, MUSIC, and TWO MEN step

orward, lif t, CONRAD to their shoulders,
circle and go off L, followed by TWO DRUM
MA,JORETTES and CROWD, AtL singing...)
f

SWEET APELE BA}TD

KIDS (TEEN CHORUS)

FOR HE'S A FINE UPSTANDING,
PATRIOTIC,
HEALTHY, NORMAL,
AMERICAII BOY !
(

Repeat

ALBERT

(es music cont,inues )

I ' m going wit,h Conrad
Ros ie , you stay here .

But Albert

ROS

IE

be

1-5-30
37
ALBERT

I 've got to make Conrad' s speech f or him ! You get t,he bags ,
stack ' em, and bring ' em to t,he house . If I see a t,axi I' 11
send it back. . .
FoR

''Jl:

f";ffi';;r;i*"};5:

(ana ROSIE sighs, puts down HIS brief case

and through f oI lowing picks up t,wo of t he
seven bags placed cent,er stage by t,he
TRAINIvIAN and puts them on baggage wagon.
KIM and last TWO GIRLS start, off left after
the OTHERS. As THEY do , a BOY who has been
standing apart from CROWD steps forward)

..

.Ki*, before you

HUGO

go

, eould I talk to you for a minut,e?

KIM

I'm in an awful hurryl

Right now? I mean, couldn't it wait?

HUGO

I don' t think so, Kim. It' s important

DEBORAH SUE

Hugo Peabody, what's so important that you have Lo talk t,o her

right

now?

HUGO

(eursting forth)
hlhat's so important,? I'1I tell you what's so important I The
day after I give her my pin she goes around kissing someone
else , that,' s what' s so important, ! I want you t,o know f 'm quite
upset about, this.
I've already had several headaches and a
nosebleed

Why

ALI

CE

Hugo, T believe you're actually jealous of Conrad Birdiel

Me j ealous?

HUGO

I'm the opposite of j ealous . f'm very j ealous

And I have every right t,o be . Kim' s my steady

KIM

That's just it, Hugo, I'fil your steady! Oh I may admire Conrad
Birdie as one admires a f ar - di stant and unattainabl-e ideal
But f 'm pinned to you, Hugo, and I don't, care how common and
ordinary you are, that' s how I'm going to stay
.

HUGC

You're noL just saying that. to make me f eel bett.er?

1-5-31
38

(music in)

"oNE BoY''
KIM

I mean eve ry word of it, Hugo. Conrad Bird.ie is j ust a f ling.

A st,eady is f orever. . .
(nnusic up and KIM sings as ROSIE sit,s
on suitcase and quietly listens)
.

ONE BOY,
ONE SPECIAL BOY,
ONE BOY TO GO WITH,
TO TALK WITH,
AIVD WALK WITH,

KIM & ONE LITTLE GIRL *

'
oNE BOY,
THAT'S THE WAY IT SHOULD BE.

TWO GIRLS *
THAT'S THE WAY IT SHOULD BE.

KIM & ONE GIRL

ONE BOY,
ONE CERTAIN BOY,
ONE BOY TO LAUGH WITH,
TO JOKE WITH,
HAVE COKE WITH,
ONE BOY,
NOT TWO OR THREE.

KIM
ONE DAY YOU FIND OUT
THTS IS WHAT LIFE IS ALL ABOUT,
YOU NEED SOMEONE WHO
IS LTVING .JUST FOR YOU.
ONE BOY,
ONE STEADY BOY,
ONE BOY TO BE WITH,

TRTO (KIM & TWO GIRLS)

FOREVER

AND EVER,
ONE BOY,
THAT'S THE WAY
THAT'S THE WAY

IT
IT

SHOULD BE,
SHOULD BE.
HUGO

(as music cont,inues )

. . . .Oh Kj-m, I feel so much bet,t,er now! A11 t,hought,s of
nosebleed have utterly vanished
!

* Opti-onal : ALICE & DEBORAH SUE

1- 5 -32
39

KIM

to worry, Hugo. Conrad Birdie may be a great,

public figure but he doesn't make me feel all dizzy and faint
when I t,hink of him. Only my steady does t,hat, . Why even when
I say his name I don't f eel a thing. Listen. Conrad Birdie
Conrad Birdie.
(ena it hits HER. Huskily)
Conrad Birdie. .
(as SHE wavers, the other TWO GIRLS step
down on eit,her side and take HER arms)
You were silly

KIM & ONE GTRL

ONE BOY,
ONE STEADY BOY,
ONE BOY TO BE WITH,
FOREVER,
AIVD EVER,

KIM &

TWO GIRLS

ONE BOY.
THAT'S THE WAY TT SHOULD BE,
(es THEY start of f L1)
THAT'S THE WAY IT SHOULD BE.
HUGO

(stilf dazed)
The boy she loves is the boy who makes her dizzy and
a]-most faint....
(fo a surprised ROSIE)
... .Arf.d you heard her, Iady! That boy is me!
(ana HE whirls a confused ROSIE around
then drops HER and st,art,s af ter Kf M.
ROS IE is al-one , st,anding LC, sti 11
holding ALBERT's briefcase. SHE looks
off L and sings...)
ROS

IE

ONE DAY YOU FIND OUT

THIS IS WHAT LIFE IS ALL ABOUT,
YOU NEED SOMEONE WHO
IS LIVING .]UST FOR YOU.
ONE GIJY,
ONE SPECIAL GUY,
ONE GIJY TO LTVE FOR,
TO CARE FOR,
BE THERE FOR,

(efuesy-strip music sneaks in and ROSIE

dances as SHE begins HER usual j ob of
loading the luggage. Piece by piece SHE

1-5-33
40

dances them f rom the pi le st,age center to

t,he luggage cart R . SHE has a hard t ime
with the heavy one, does a few bumps and
grinds as SHE carries over t,wo smal l make -up
cases , finally comes t,o ALBERT's briefcase
which is the last it,em lef t, . SHE picks it up,
dances tenderly wit,h it, then suddenly becomes
angry, hurls t,he brief case down, then regrett, ing
what SHE has done, hurriedly picks it back up.
SHE st,ares at it, becomes angry again and slings
it of f L . ALBERT, rushing on , cat,ches it )
ALBERT

(as music cont inues )

Rosie, what's the matter ! ?
ROS

IE

I was j ust t,hinking of you, Albert

Never mind thinking of

In the briefcase.

....

ALBERT

! My speech! Where is it?

me

ROS

IE

ALBERT

Good

Come on

(cives it to HER)
Bring it along; the Mayor's almost finished talking.
!

(Hg dashes off L)

ROS

IE

(Sings as SHE follows , carring the

briefcase )
THAT'S THE WAY IT SHOULD BE.
(nOSIE, carrying brief cas, hurries af ter
HIM. Through this the seL begins to change,
and various PEOPLE come rushing by on their
way to t,he big event,. We hear fragments
of conversations in the gathering darkness)

SWEET APpLE

srATroN (orchesLra underscoring)

REPORTER

I' 11 go to the courthouse.

REPORTER

I' 11 make Sure we've got a wire to New York.

Come

on, Alice I

FRED

Conrad's over here !

1- 5 -34
4T

ALICE

Fred, did you bring the box for me to stand

on?

URSULA

Mother, I'm going to t,ake you back home. ft's

MRS.

too crowded!

MERKLE

You'l1 have to drag me by t,he hair

(lllusic out.
We just hear
the glow of their

More PEOPLE pass by.

VOICES and see

f lashl ight s )

LEE

Phy1lis, you know the doctor said you shouldn't go out in

crowds.

(From offstage

PHYLLIS
R)

Shut, up and keep pushing that wheel chair

(By now t,he scene has changed and

find ourselves in front of the

we
)

r-6-35

42{

3
$

{
I

ACT

ONE

Scene

STEPS. Nothing other than

a few steps, some columns, and an
improvised platform up center.
CONRAD, the M;\YOR, and the MAYOR'S
WIFE are on it .
COURTHOUSE

MAYOR

. ..An,C so it is with great prid'e and prejudice,

usual pomp and circumstance, that I welcome you

ds
to
city and present you with this fourteen-carat solid
generously donat,ed by men at t,he Sweet Apple Brass
as I present this key to you, Conrad Birdie

well as the
our fair
gold key so
Works. And

URSULA

(Wit,h a wild shriek)

zuUU{! He said it!
He said the name! W!
MAYOR

What happened? All I said was Conrad Birdie

TWO MORE GIRLS

ruuuurAl{

If you girls

MAYOR

don't stop that I can't finish my speech!

URSULA

Who

(Running forward)

cares about your speech!

(SUn Screams

We

want to hear from Conradl

as the CROWD shouts approval)

to us, oh beautiful one ! Tel-I us how you make that
glorious sound that even now, in anticipation of iL, has
reduced me to a snarling , Ta.ging, pdnting jungle beast !
. . . Speak

'THoNESTLY srNcERE"
(CONRAD looks at GUITAR MAN R who strikes
a chord and CONRAD huskily sings)
CONRAD

YOU GOTTA BE SINCERE!

(The MAYOR'S WIFE utters a weak

scream and keels over)

little

1--5-35
43
MAYOR

Edna

(t<neeling beside
What' t, the matter?
YOU GOTTA BE SINCERE

HER)

CONRAD
!

MAYOR

(Trying to revive HIS Wf FE. Pulls

HER up, SHE collapses wit,h rubber
legs t,hrough following)
Mr. Birdie ! What are you doing?
CONRAD

YOU GOTTA FEEL TT HERE

, CAUSE IF YOU FEEL TT HERE,
WELL THEN YOU'RE GONNA BE
HONESTLY SINCERE !
IF WHAT YOU FEEI TS TRUE,
(REALLY FEEL IT)
YOU MAKE THEM FEEL TT TOO,
(WNITE THIS DOWN NOW ! )
YOU GOTTA BE SINCERE,
HONESTLY SINCERE,
MJ\N YOU'VE GOTTA BE SINCERE

MAYOR

Edna

(es HIS WIFE whom HE has finally

managed to revive , faints again)
!

(Now

and

the guitar is really whanging away,

starts to move HIS body)

CONRAD

IF YOU'RE REALLY SINCERE,

IF YOU'RE REALLY SINCERE
IF YOU FEEI+ IT IN HERE,
THEN TT'S GOTTA BE RIGHT !
CONRAD

ooooH,

BABY

(CHORUS Screams)

OH, HONEY!

CONRAD

(CHORUS Screams)
CONRAD

HUG ME!
(CUORUS Screams

(Shouts)

1- 5 -37
44
CONRAD

SUFFER

(CHORUS Screams

(KIM has entered R, followed by HUGO, who

t,ries t,o get HER to leave . SHE waves HIM
away and is drawn to CONRAD)
CONRAD

(Moving down a step, sings)

rN EV'RYTHING I DO
MY SINCERTTY SHOWS THROUGH!
r LOOK YOU IN THE EYE,
DON'T EVEN HAVE TO TRY,
IT'S AUTOIqJ\TIC! I'M

SINCERE!

(Un goes back to top st,ep, Lhrows a bump

at MAYOR'S WIFE who goes over stiff as a
board this time)

I SING ABOUT A TREE,

REALLY FEEL THAT TREE !
WHEN I SING ABOUT A GTRL,
I REALLY FEEL THAT GIRL,
I MEADI I REALLY FEEL S INCERE
WHEN

(rcfU screams and faints

into HUGO's arms)

IF
rF
IF

YOU'RE REALLY SINCERE !

YOU'RE REALLY SINCERE !
YOU FEEL IT IN HERE,
THEN IT'S GOTTA BE RIGHT !
CONRAD (SHOUTS)

OH, BABY !

(CHORUS Screams)

oH,

CONRAD

HONEY !

(CHORUS Screams)
CONRAD

OH HUG

ME

(CHORUS Screams

CONRAD

SUFFER
(

CHORUS Screams

L-5-38

45

(COIURAD slowly moves down steps to

throughout the following, wreaking
havoc as HE goes. Again singi*g)

DSC

CONRAD

YOU GOTTA BE SINCERE, OH, OH, OH,

YOU GOTTA FEEL IT HERE, OH, OH,
OH, MY BABY !
OH MY BABY, OH YEAI{ !
OH MY BABY, OH YEAI{ !

(l bars orchestra under dialogue

IVIR. JOHNSON

Harvey! Harvey! What are you doing?

MRS.

MERKLE

Ursu1a I Ursu1a ! Come back here t,his minute !

(es MRS. MERKLE goes af ter URSULA, L,hen
turns, gets a look at CONRAD and faints also)
CONRAD

WELL YA GONNA BE SINCERE !

WELL YA GONNA BE SINCERE !

TEENS

YEAI{

CONRAD

WELL YA GONNA BE SINCERE!

WELL YA GONNA BE SINCERE!

TEENS

YEAII

WELL YA GONNA BE SINCERE !

WELL YA GONNA BE SINCERE!
TEENS
YEA}T

CONRAD

OH MY BABY! OH YEAI{ !
OH MY BABY! OH YEAFI !
WELL YA GONNA BE S INCERE
WELL YA GONNA BE S INCERE
OH MY BABY! OH YEzu{
OH MY BABY! OH YEAi{
OH MY BABY! OH YEAi{
OH MY BABY
OH YEAII ! YEAI{ ! YEAH I

,
!

1--5-39
46

with bodies.
himself.
As
is
MAYOR
Last to crumble
the
ent,er
ALBERT
from
ROSIE
and
HE sinks down,
L. SHE takes the key from HIS extended
hand and gives it to CONRAD. As applause
starts to go, ITlusic cue f or s low segue into
next number)
(By now the stage is littered

BTACKOUT

1,-7 -40
47

ACT

ONE

Scene

Behind the MacAfee scrim, which

shows outside of MacAfee house, ds

by torchlight we hear the MEN of
SWEET APPLE bring home their
wounded and maimed. Music continues
under dialogue into vocal.

Harvey, where are yolJ. . . .

Somebody

MAN'S VOICE
ANOTHER VOICE

help me with the Mayor's wif e

THIRD VOICE

There' s a lady with slacks lying in the gutter.

belong to?

Me. And leave her there.

FOURTH VOICE

GIRL'S

VOICE

I got a lock of somebody's hair !

Ethel .

No it isn't,

Who does she

I wonder if it's

his.

MAN'S VOICE

And give me my hat

(ana as VOICES f ade of f , another set of

VOICES begin to be heard. As lights
begin to come up, w f ind ourselves
OUTSIDE THE MacAFEE HOUSE early next
morning. MARGIE, DEBORAH SUE & URSULA
sit huddled on the ground wearily singing
into the dawn)

wouNpgp
WE LOVE YOU CONRAD,
OH YES WE DO!
WE LOVE YOU CONRAD,

MJ\RGTE, DEBORAH SUE

A\ID WE'LL BE TRUE.

I ' m tired,

Ursula .

We've been here all night

MARGIE

DEBORAH SUE
!

& URSULA

L-7

- 4I

48
UR.SULA

promised to sing the Birdie song ten thousand t j-rnes didn' t,

we? Well we've goL f ive thousand two hundred and sevent y- six
t,o go. So sinq !
We

(ana the three VOICES are raised in song

again as l ight,s come up behind scrim arid
we find ourselves in MacAFEE HOUSE. The
dining room t,able is elaborately set for
breakfast for one. Gleaming silver,
sparkling china , a huge vase of flowers,
the works. Downstage of this festive
board, MRS. MacAFEE is hovering anxiously
over MR. MacAFEE who is eating a hurried
breakfast, on a small TV table. As the
scrim goes up, KIM comes down the stairs)
KIM

, T wish you'd hurry. I want to have all t,his

cleared away before Conrad comes down!
. . . .Daddy

mess

MR. MacAFEE
(Wit,h contained bitt,erness as HE looks

at the elaboraLe table beside HIM)

This mess, as you call it, Kim, happens to be my breakfasL
And I int,end enj oying it

MRS.

MACAFEE

Your f ather has a right to enj oy his eggs , Kim. But, f 'm sure
he won' t mind if we j ust, quiet It start clearing away some of
these other t,hings . .
(ana as MR. MacAFEE tries to eat, KIM and
MRS. MacAFEE begin snatching up bredd,
butter , jam, salt, pepper, sugar, milk, and
all the utensils . MR. MacAFEE makes futile
grabs at disappearing it,ems as MRS . MacAFEE
rattles on)
. . . . f know the house is a bit hectic this morning, but, Kim's
gone Lo a lot of t,rouble t,o f ix a special breakf ast f or Mr.
Birdie and f want to make sure everything's ready and waiting
for him when he comes down. Af ter all he is a nat,ional f igure
and I want, to show these New York people we know how to treat a
national figure here in Sweet Apple. Of course it realIy
doesn't mean that, much to me personally but. for Kim's sake
I....
(Through lasL of above THEY've pretty well
gotten everyLhing of f the t,able. KIM removes
the table itself . MR. MacAFEE reaches for
the table, and manages t,o grab Hf S two fried
eggs. HE is holding them in HIS hands when
talking, reaches over and
MRS. MacAFEE, still
snaps t,hem up in a silent but, ler)
There we are I A11 done I Did you enj oy iL, de ar? Good
(Takes empty plaLe from HIM)
Now if you' JI j ust, hurry along. .
.

L-7 -42
49

MR. MacAFEE

(e pronouncement
Doris, I am not, budging from this room til
smoke a cigarette, and read my paper
)

I get my coffee,

MRS. MacAFEE

I didn' t have t,ime to make your cof f ee,

this morning. How about a nice warm Seven-Up?
(SHg goes to cabinet to get one)

Oh I'm sorry, dear.

RAI{DOLPH

(f f M' s brot,her, aged ten, coming

down sLairs)
Morning, PB. Here's your paper. I hope you don't mind but I
cut out a f ew st,ories about Conrad.
(Ana HE hands MR. MacAFEE a folded newspaper.
MR. MacAFEE opens it . It is in shreds .
Quietly HE puts it, down and turns to HIS
FAMILY)

MR. MacAFEE

have t,ried t,o run this house on a democratic basis . I

have extended the privilege of self -determination t.o both the
woman I have martied, and t,he children I have sired....The vote
has been denied no one for reason of age, sex, or polit,ical
af f i I iat iorls . There has been no taxat ion without,
represent,ation, and open covenants have been openly arrived at !
(With mount ing angrer, risos ,
moves to above table)
Last, night I gave up my room t,o a guest who repeat,edly referred
t,o me as rrFat,s. rr Telephone calls were made on my phone to New
York, Chicago, Fairbanks, Alaska, and Hong Kong. I slept in a
camp cot with my feet in the fireplace and my head in an
ashtray. Outside my window three harpies shrieked We Love You
Conrad f our thousand seven hundred and twent,y- three t imes I . . . I
have j ust lost t,wo f ried eggs .
(tn ringing tones )
. . . Gent1emen, the democracy is over ! Parliament has been
dissolved; the Magna Cart,a is revoked, and Nero is back in
t,own ! And you don't of f er an emperor a warm Seven-Up I
..

.I

ALBERT

(From upstairs)
Oh, Mr. MacAf ee ! I hope you won't mind keeping of f the phone
for a f ew minutes. We're expect,ing a long-dist,ance call f rom
New York.
MR. MacAFEE

(es HE exits R)
Pe rfect Iy al l right .
I' 1I go out, and burn
MoLher, what's wrong?

KIIVl

Rome

I-7

- 43

50

MRS. MacAFEE

Nothing, dear. Your father's

here, that' s all .

just excited about Conrad.'s being

RANDOLPH

has Xed L to bottom

of stairs through above)
He' s coming ! He' s coming
(Who

He'

s coming !

KIM

I ' 11 get t,he eggs !

Mother, you call the kids

MRS. MacAFEE

Girls,
him eat

(Calling off right)

he's coming! You'd bettbr hurry if you want to watch
!

URSULA

(untering R with MRS. MERKLE and the

MAYOR's WIFE. OTHERS peer through
screen door and window)
Here we are, Kim!
MRS.

MERKLE

I'm sorry, Doris, but we just had t,o come, too!

quietly back here.

We'11 st.and

RANDOLPH

Here he is

(From bottom step)

!

(Ana attired in a leopard-skin bat,hrobe,

CONRAD comes slow1y down, crosses to beautiful
table, looks at it, pushes HIS way to sink,

f inds can opener, takes beer can out, of

pocket, punches it open. NOTE: Use warm
beer and shake it up so it realIy shoots up like
a geyser. Drains entire can, burps, hands
can to MRS. MacAFEE)
CONRAD

CaIl me for lunch.

(as HE crosses L, HE passes MR. MacAFEE
who has j ust, re - entered UC)
....Hi, Fat.s!
(ana HE is gione up the stairs )
MR. MacAFEE

(Xing R to MRS. MacAFEE)

Now look here, Doris . About, t.hat, boy. . .
MRS. MacAFEE

Ptease, Hdrry, he's just shy. . .

I-7

- 44

51

werl, if you ask

Af

me.

RS ' MERKLE

MR. MacAFEE

ter all , Doris , Kim is only f if teen and I don' t, want her . .

KIM

Please, Ddddy. Not in front of everybody!

MRS.

MERKLE

Ursula, we'd better go !

(SUn drags URSULA out R door and
OTHER NEIGHBORS go with them)
I don't care who's here.

MR. MacAFEE
No ilI-mannered lout is going to. . .

(UnS . MacAFEE shepherds ALICE, MARGIE and

PENELOPE out UC door. Following speeches

all run t,ogether)

Te11 'em,

RANDOLPH

Pa

MR. MacAFEE
You shut, up !
(He turns back R to MRS. MacAFEE, but
RANDOLPH

L sleeve)

continues tugging at
MRS. MacAFEE

Harry, you have no right to say t,hat.

and..

HIS

The boy is our guest

(ro

KIM)

MR, MacAFEE

This is my house and until

But, Daddy...
(To RANDOLPH)
I said shut up !
( furns t,o KIM)
Unt,il you're eighteerl .. o.

But Daddy....

you're eighteen. .
RANDOLPH

MR. MacAFEE

RANDOLPH

MR. MacAFEE

(To RANDOLPH)
Will you leave me alone I ? I

L-7 - 45
52
ALBERT

(From upst,airs landing)

....Mr. and Mrs. MacAfee! Kiml Randolphl Is this
want seventy-five million Americans to see you?l
What are you

the way you

MR. MacAFEE

t,alking about ?

ALBERT

stairs, goes Lo MR. MacAFEE)

You' re all going t,o be on television with Conrad.
(Comes down

On te levi

MR. MacAFEE

ion?

ALBERT

I just got the confirmation from New York.

himself .

From Ed Sullivan

MR. MacAFEE

You mean we're going to be on the Sullivan Show? The Ed

SuI livan Sul l ivan Show?
ALBERT

right . They' re going to cut in on Sweet Apple this

night at 8 :05, and you're all going to be on. That' s
why I beg you to put aside all petty differences. To that
great audience out there you're an American dream come true.
And for the free world's sake, Mr. MacAfee, don't destroy_t,hat,
dream
(eLenRT exits ULC door;
MR. MacAFEE is still dazed)
ThaL' s
Sunday

Me
M

MR. MacAFEE

on the Ed Sullivan Show....

(e chord, and transf ixed HE sings )
A suNDAy EVENTNG', (Ba sullivan)

"HyMN FoR

ED SULLIVAN

MR. MacAFEE
!

(Sti11 not believing HIS ears)

Me, . . Harry MacAfee. . . appearing with. . .
(enother chord)

ED SULLIVAI\T
(lnnS

are

MacAFEE j oins Hf M. HER eyes

91 azed as SHE s ings : )

L-7 - 46
s3

MR. & MRS.

ED....

ED SULLIVAI\T

MacAFEE

U steps bes ide them

and j oins singirg)
ED....
(

Xf

ED SULLIVAIil

(RANDOLPH

is caught too)

RANDOLPH
ED SULLIVAI{ !
ED SULLIVAT{ !

MR. & MRS. MacAFEE & KIM

AI{
ATI

ALL

ED, ED,
SULL, SULL,

ED SULLIVAI{,
ED SULLIVAIV,
WE'RE GONNA BE
ED SULLIVAI\T !

MaCAFEES

ON

MRS. MacAFEE & KIM

HOW COULD AITY FAM'LY BE,

I{AtF AS FORTUNATE AS WE !

ALL

WE'

LL BE COAST-TO-COAST,

MacAFEES

WITH OUR FAV'RITE HOST,

ED SULLIVASI !

(UnS. MERKLE and OTHERS move

reverent Iy in to j oin the I'4acAFEES
ALL MacAFEES &
ED SULLIVA}T,
ED SULLTVA}I ,
THEY'RE (WU'RE) CONNA BE ON
ED SULTIVAI\T

CHORUS

AI{HHHH- -

(THEY

sustain note as

MR. MacAFEE

I've got a wonderful wif e

now, this !

ALL

SOME DAY WE, LL RECATIL

THE GREATEST DAY OF ALL,

two swell kids

a good j ob and,

r-7

- 47

54

MR. MacAFEE

Ed. f love you! ! !

ED SULLIVAIV!

ALI,
!

(Orchestra, or1 appLause, plays a short

which fades out as next scene is

TAG

ready)

BLACKOUT

1-8 -48
55

ACT

ONE

Scene

BACKSTAGE
THEATRE.

AT THE CENTRAL MOVTE

A single work light illuminates it.

ROSIE and ALBERT are aJone.
ROS

It l-ooks great ,
you about....

IE

Albert. . . .What do you thlnk?

Well, this is it,

ALBERT

Rose

! Now there' s something I want to talk to

ROS

TE

Interrupt irg)
Course it's been used as a movie house for the past thirty
years but I think it' 11 be f ine f or t,he TV show.
(

It' 11 be swell,

ALBERT

Rose

(Again)

! Now what I wanted to say

ROSIE

They're shipping down the cameras and lights

whatever costumes we need we calf.. . o .
(f inally

was . . .

today, and

ALBERT

taking HER by the shoulders)

Rose , I ' rTl sure everything' 11 be pe rfect !
(Leading HER left as BACKSTAGE OFFICE
starts in from L; it is a cramped
little
dressing room outfitted with a
tlpewriter)
...Now, if you'll just forget about the Sullivan Show for one
minute and come into the office there' s something very
important f want t,o tell you I About, . . . about you and T, Rose.
ROSIE

(By now THEY are inside OFFICE)

You and me , Errgl ish teacher .
ALBERT

Rose, I'rt serious. I want, t,o tell you t,hat, I'm very glad you
and I...and me...are out, here toget,her. Being away from New
York, Rose...has made me see all kinds of t,hings in a different,
light, . That's why I want, you to know I wrote Mamma and t,old
her no matter what, happened. . . I have decided to give up

Almaelou

L-B -49
55

ROS

ly embraces
AlbetL, you didn't,
(Happi

IE
HIM)

ALBERT

Yes, I did, Rose. I wrote her the day we left, which leaves
three days and t,hree night,s for her tc get in touch wit,h me and
so f ar not, a word! If you ask me, she's accept,ed t,he whole
t,hing by r1ow.
(as HE Xes L above ROS IE ,
there is a knock at, the door.
ROSIE sit,s at desk)
Come in.
MRS.

PETERSON

(Staggering in)
.
days
and three nights on a Trailways Bus, but what's
. . .Three
the difference, I'm only a Mother and for a Mother a Trailways
bus is good enough.
(SHe pushes ROSIE out of chair and sits.
ROSIE moves R above HER, and sit,s on
high stool R through f ol lowirg)
ALBERT

Mamma,

what are you doing here?

MRS.

PETERSON

Did you think I wouldn't come? A woman gets a letter obviously

written under the influence of drugs and she should stay at
home

Sttg di splays let L er , wrings bucket

of water out, of it )
It's only a mot,her's tears.
. . . Pay no attention.
(SttB unf olds it and reads )
'rDear Mom: This is to let you know that Almaelou is dissolved.
Your friend, A1bert.
(to ALBERT)
Almaelou is dissolved? Dissolve me I Who am I anyw ay? A sick
old woman, probably won't last, the night. I just, want a simple
Molher. And don't,
stone, with one word carved on it...Al-bert's
hire a limousine to get me to the final resting place. I' 1I
(

rr

wa1k.

ALBERT
Mamma

MRS.

PETERSON

And tell that Spanish riend of yours I forgive her.

knowet,h not, what, she doneth
f

Mamma, Rose

is right here

ALBERT
!

(ROSIE rises as MRS. PETERSON

turns to HER.
)

She

1-B-50
57

MRS.

PETERSON

This is Rose? I can't believe it.

She looks like Margo when
they took her ouL of Shangri-La.
(SHg leads ROSIE to
small st,ool below desk)
For her own sake, AlberL, send her back to Tibet. And don't
worry about, a secretary. It, so happens I met on the bus a
perfect, secretary. A wonderful ref ined girl on her way to
Akron only I persuaded her t,o get of f here.
(SHB opens the door. GLORIA RASPUTf N
enters. SHE is a sensat,ional and very
large broad dressed in tight flowered
slacks with a matching bag and dangling
a long white fox fur).
....Sonny, say hel1o to Gloria Rasputin.
Hi, Al !

GLORIA

Hey

, you're cuLe.

ALBERT

(Xing R few steps)

But,, Mamma, I don't need a secretary; I have Rosiel
MRS.

PETERSON

(Looking at ROS IE , now seat,ed

on l-ow stool of f plat f orm DL)
What, does Rosie need a job for? In a year or two she'l-I
getting Social Security.

be

GLORIA

WelI, lisLen. . . I don' t, j ust

t.14>e

ALBERT

(Int,erest,ed)
You. . . do other things?

GLORIA

I tap dance ! I figured r could help you with the secretary

stuff , and you would help me get int,o show business. Hotd
this, honey.
(SHg hands fur piece and bag to
MRS. PETERSON, crossing R to C)
. . .Mae, ean you hum Suwannee River?
ft' s my favorite

MRS.

selection.

PETERSON

GLORIA

Get a load of this, A1

(ena SHE tap dances as MRS. PETERSON
gaily -hums . Sort of Ruby Keeler- ish steps
with a Iot, of f eet - sf apping . SHE does
.

t--B-5r58

turns, each t,ime stopping with back

to audience, finally ending in a fuII
f lying split , hand t,o f orehead in salute )

many

MRS.

Bravo

PETERSON
HER)

(App1auding, ALBERT j oins

Bravo

GLORIA

(Looking at ALBERT, big smile)

....We11, do I get the job?
ALBERT

I do.n't know. f mean, you cert,ainly have wonderful

qualifications but . . . .
(Very subtly, GLORIA tries to get
herself l;p...a wiggle here, a tiny
push there. No soap)
little
. . . . I'm used to working with Miss Alvarez. However, as you
say, Mdmma, w are faced with a certain amount of extra work
and ' ' ' '
(Hg has become aware of HER.
SHE smiles casually)
Do you have to stay down t,here?
GLORIA

For a f ew minutes. Mae , gimme a hand, will

from the other side . Easy now. .

you?

A1

, 1rou push

(UnS.

PETERSON and ALBERT

HER up)

work to get

MRS.

PETERSON

Sonny, for the movies, they can always cut away while t,hey jack
her up.
(GlOnIA stands triumphantly erect )
A1bert,, why don't you t,ake Gloria somewhere and see how f ast
she types.
ALBERT

WelI, I do have all these releases to get out, and Gloria could
do them. IJnless it makes any dif f erence to you, Rosie?
ROS IE
Why should it, make any dif ference to

me?

ALBERT

Atta girl, Rosie. You just keep working and T'It go along with
Miss Rasput in .
MRS.

I'11 f ind you a typewriter.

(SHg goes out)

PETERSON

l- - B

-52
s9

ALBERT

(to GLORIA)
Do you use the touch system?

GLORIA

Whenever possible.
(SHE exits.
ALBERT looks back at
gives
a silly laugh, then
ROSIE,
goes out closing door)
ROS

IB

I could ki 11 him . I could j ust ki 11 him

(the LIGHTS begin to f ade, there is a dim
rattle of drums in the disLance and as
MUSIC comes up and the BACKSTAGE OFFICE
goes off L we begin the HOW TO KILL A MAN
BALLET . In the course of the bal l-et , ROS IE
dances out HER desire to revenge herself
on ALBERT. First SHE has HfM before a
firing squad; then guillotined by an angry
French mob , circa A Tale of Two Cit ies; then
alternately poisoned, st,abbed, and bombed;
f inally 'rubbed out' by a gang of mobst,ers;
and over his visible prot,ests, buried and
sent f lying of f t,o heaven. At t,he end of
t,he BALLET, ROSIE is sitting alone on stage,
ALBERT J. PETERSON having been dispatched at
last. . . . in HER mind at leasL. SHE is sitt.ing
smiling to herself as HUGO comes on L3 )
.

oNE HUNDRED

wAys BALLET (orchestra-)

HUGO

Miss Alvarez, but, I'm looking for Kim MacAfee.

I just want to tell her that she is not to kiss Conrad Birdie
on that Sullivan Show tonight because if she does, I'1l-. . . .
(ROSIE hasn't moved)
Miss A1varez .. . . fs anything wrong?
. . . .Excuse me,

(He becomes alarmed)

me ! Hugo Peabody !

Miss Alvarez ! It,' s

you, Miss Alvarez?

ROS

IE

Can f do anything f or

Slowly t,urning and looking at him)

. . . .Yes, Hugo , I think you can.
(

BLACKOUT
N

r.v.

THEME (r'axFARE) - (orchest,ra)

1,-9-53
50

ACT

ONE

Scene

In t,he darkness, the

is heard. . .

VOICE

ED SULLIVAN

SULLIVA}T

remember: Your surest way t,o the best, in color slides

is to insist on the new Kodak ! And now, the young man you've
aII been wait, ing to see . As you know, in j ust about f ourteen
hours, one of show business' brightest talents is going off to
play a Very special engagement. And tonight, before he gioes,
he wants to leave a cert,ain lucky young lady wit,h One Last
Kiss. Ladies and gentlemen, we take you to Sweet App1e, Ohio,
where a t,ypical American f amity, Mr. and Mrs. Harry MacAf ee and
their children, Rdndolph and Kim, are gathered to bid farewell
to a typical American soldier. . . . Conrad Birdie !
(As the VOICE beqins, the followinq takes nlace verv
rapidl-y:
. . . . So

The LIGHTS come up , a pipe of TV lights f ties in in land the No. 3 Brown Border flies out, to reveal that
we are again Backstage at the Central Movie Theatre.
The TV STAGE MJ\NAGER rusheS on St2 To E. TWO STAGE
HANDS bring red-curt,ained frame from SR3 and place
it on marks DSL, remaining in front of frame. THIRD

STAGE HAND quickly enters SL3 (ten or twelve feet

behind them) and Xes to SL3 and, with FOURTH STAGE
HAND, brings second curtained frame from SL,3 and
places it DSR. FIRST AUDIO MAN enters SR3 and SECOND
AUDIO lfi\N enters SR1 wit,h boom. FIRST MAN Xes DS and
THEY do audio-test,ing bit.

FIRST WARDROBE WOMAN enters wit,h costumes f rom SL3,

Xes to C to SM, who calls SECOND WARDROBE WOMiUI
from SL1. SECOND WOMAN takes costumes from FIRST,
Xes U and out SR3. FIRST WOMiU{ Xes and out
SL1 . ThC FTRST TWb STAGE I{ANDS XC ANd OUT SL3
O

The QUaRTETTE of TOWNSPEOPLE enter SR2 and XDS. SM

takes them behind SL curtain frame. FIRST TWO
STAGE I{ANDS re - enter SL3 with " Present Day" f lat
which they open and set behind DSR frame. THIRD and
FOURTH STAGE IANDS go t,o SLz for "RevoLut,ionary War'l
flat which they open and set behind SL frame.
MR. and MRS . MacAFEE, RANDOLPH and KIM enter SLI- .
SM hurries them behind SR f rame. MAYOR'S WIFE (one
of quartette ) comes from behind SL frame to C asking
a guestion. SM pushes HER back. WARDROBE WOMAN

1-9-54
6T

ent,ers SR with comb and X to MacAFEE' s to do hair

touchups. WARDROBE WOMAN re-ent,ers SL3, X t,o
MacAFEE's and FIRST WORDROBE WOMJU{ re-ent,ers SR3 and
X t,o MacAFEE' s .
STAGE HAND stands by to pull curtain of SR frame.
AUDIO MEN push
SM hurries to move boom int,o place.
boom C. SM quiets group. STAGE HAND goes to SL2 and

returns with hand mike which HE t,akes DC for CONRAD

j ust as SULLIVAN VOf CE ends with t'Conrad Birdie . "
)

MR.

IvIacAFEE

(sticking head between drapes of SR f rame)

Where' s Ed?

(continued)

T.v.

THEME (TaNFARE)

(f'anFARE. SM motions CONRAD, dressed in

green-sequinned Army unif orm , from SRI-,
places him in f ront, of SR f rame, cues drapes
open and cues CONRAD t,o sing. KIM is in R of
frame, RANDOLPH next to HER, MRS. MacAFEE
seated next t,o HIM, and MR. MacAFEE stands to
HER L. THEY are costumed sweet, Americana and
the f lat behind t hem is a t,ypical Mid-western
small-town home)

''ONE LAST KISSII

CONRAD

(singitg)

oH, oNE LAST KISS,

OH, GIMME ONE LAST KISS,

IT NEVER FELT LIKE THIS,
NO, NEVER FELT LIKE THIS !
YOU KNOW

UH UH

NEED YOUR LOVE,

OH,

GIMME ONE LAST KISS

(SU cues KIM to step DR; CONRAD moves

toward HER during the following: )

OH, ONE MORE TIME,

OH BABY, ONE MORE TIME

(es CONRAD moves R, HE clears MR. MacAFEE

who, subtly at firsL, begins to be aware
HE is on TV. HE nudges MRS. MacAFEE. First
a smif e, then a slight wave of HIS hand)
IT REALLY IS

SUBLIME,

OH, HONEY, SO SUBLIME,

YOU KNOW

UH UH

NEED YCUR LOVE,

OH,

GIMME ONE LAST KISS

1,-9-55
62

slow1y moves back L and MR. MacAFEE

moves MRS. MacAFEE and RANDOLPH further R so
(COIURAD

that

CONRAD

doesn't cover
CONRAD

HIM)

(Continued)

. . . . AA . . . . AA . . . . AA . . . BY,
GIVE ME ONE LAST KISS !
BA. . . . AA. . . . AA. . . . AA. . . . BY,
GIVE ME ONE LAST KISS !
BA

OH, ONE LAST KISS,

OH, GIMME ONE LAST KISS !

IT

NEVER FELT LTKE THTS,

(Un. MacAFEE can rest,rain himself no

longer. HE steps down bet,ween KIM and
CONRAD and waves a big hello)
NO, NEVER FELT LIKE THIS !
YOU KNOW

UH UH OH,

NEED YOUR LOVE,

GIMME ONE LAST KISS

(SU cues cut of song , Lhe curtain closes

and HE cues QUARTETTE who have come from
behind SL frame to DC. While the QUARTETTE
sing, the WARDROBE LADIES rush on and
change costumes of IvIacAFEE' s to Revolut ionary
War era. Stooping to be out, of camera range,
CONRAD moves above QUARTETTE t,o stand in
front of SL frame)
MALE QUANTETTE
TURN BACK HIST'RY'S PAGES !
GO BACK THROUGH THE AGES !

(fgnY move R to stand in

front of SR frame)

SEE HOW BRAVE SOLDIER BOYS OF

YORE

(tutacAFEE FAMILY are headed L to behind SL

frame excepL MR. MacAFEE who escapes
happi ly t o j oin CONRAD be low f rame . STAGE
HAI{D grabs HIM and pushes HIM behind frame
with f ami ly)

SATD GOODBYE WHEN THEY WENT OFF TO

....WENT OFF TO WAR,...WENT OFF TO

in SLI- with
ust R of SR f rame to
SHE exit s SR)
(ROSIE dashes

Hf M j

WAR,
WAR.,

HUGO, stations
pu1 I Crapes and

L-9-55
63

. . . .WENT OFF TO

WAR

raise lef t arms on f inal word.

cues cut -of f of t.heir song; cues HUGO
to raise drapes and cues CONRAD to sing.
MR. MacAFEE and RANDOLPH wear Revolutionary
War uniforms and white wigs and the WOMEN
are in aprons and bonneLs. The f lat, behind
them shows a murky troubled sky and a red
angry sunseL
(QUARTETTE

SM

CONRAD

OH, ONE LAST KTSS,

(Stt cues KIM

DL)

OH, GIMME ONE LAST

KTSS,

(Sltt cues CONRAD toward KIM. MR. MacAFEE

gestures SM for permission to move down.
SM gesLures rrnorr. MR. MacAFEE is
temporarily dashed. . .
)

IT

LIKE THIS,
(Iutoving L t,oward KIM)
NO, NEVER FELT LIKE THIS !
NEVER FELT

YOU KNOW

NEED YOUR LOVE,

(Un. MacAFEE, smiling, ffioves bet,ween

KIM and CONRAD)
UH UH

OH,

(He j aunt,ily slaps

GIMME ONE LAST KTSS

CONRAD

on shoutder)

angrily shakes HIM of f and moves

signals KIM to follow CONRAD)

(COIURAD

SM

R.

OH, ONE MORE TIME !

oH, BABY, ONE MORE TIME !

(ffU Moves R)
IT REALLY IS SUBLIME,

OH, HONEY, SO SUBLIME,

YOU KNOW I NEED YOUR LOVE,
(Mn . MacAFEE taps Kf M' s shoulder
HER to move L so HE can take HER
SHE obj ects, but does so)

UH UH

OH,
GTMME ONE LAST KTSS

and s ignal s
place.

1-9-57
64

(Un. MacAFEE moves down. CONRAD f orces a

smile as HE sings t,hrough clenched teet,h.
MR . MacAFEE , smi l ing engagingly at, camera
begins a jaunty lit,t1e dance st,ep)
BA. . . . AA. . . . AA. . . . AA. . . . BY,
GIVE ME ONE LAST KISS !
BA. . . .AA. . . .AA. . . .AA. . . .BY,
GIVE ME ONE LAST KISS !

(Un.

into a wild step;

CONRAD Lries to hit HIM but drapes are
closed and WARDROBE PEOPLE pull MR. MacAFEE
back through t,hem. CONRAD argues with SM
unt, i I SM indicat,es HE i s lat,e f or next
shot, . CONRAD dashes DC. QUARTETTE is CS
above HIM. The SL frame has been moved UC
and STAGE HANDS bring flat on which are
painted a group of flags to SC as backing
f or f inal vignet te )
MacAFEE breaks

(Continued)
(as TEENAGERS sing 'rAaaah" in background)
CONRAD

OH, ONE LAST KISS,

OH, GIMME ONE LAST KISS !
IT NEVER FELT LIKE THTS,
NO, NEVER FEIT LIKE THIS !
YOU KNOW

UH UH

NEED YOUR LOVE,

OH,

GIMME ONE I,AST KISS

(SfX TEEN COUPLES have come down on either

side of CONRAD to f orm a V. RANDOLPH and
MRS. MacAFEE have followed them and stand
just R of C. MR. MacAFEE then comes in
firmly held bet,ween t,wo BRAWNY MEMBERS of
the QUARTETTE. MRS. MacAFEE hastily spreads
her skirt, trying t,o conceal HIS imprisoned
wrists )

ALL (PNINCIPALS,

ONE LAST KISS,

ONE LAST KISS,
OH , GIVE ME ONE LAST KISS
ONE LAST KISS,
ONE LAST KISS,
oH, GrvE ME ONE,

LAST....

(rcf U has ent,ered L2 to C and DS

t,o CONRAD' s right . Music silent
pause for dialogue
)

QUARTETTE, TEENS)

L-9-58
65

. . . . Okay,

CONRAD

brace yourself, chick

(gn Lakes HER in HIS arms. HUGO who is
right beside them, can bear no more)
I

HUGO

Brace yourseJ-f, Conrad Birdie !

(He hits HrM; coNRAD goes

Hugo! You hit him!

(

fn f

ront, of

down)

KTM

HUGO

cameras )
He was a. . . Et Thief

He deserved it I
(I(fU dashes of f

L1

of Love !
, followed by HUGO)

KIM

Hugo Peabody, I never want to speak to you again

(UnS. MacAFEE and

RANDOLPH dash of f L1 .
is attending CONRAD on floor SC.
enters and comes D t,hrough frame C)

DOCTOR

ALBERT

ALBERT

(Fighting HIS way t,hrough CROWD)

f demand to know who's responsible for t,his ! Who Iet, that kid
in here?
(Who

I did Albert

ROS

has appeared

IE
DR)

ALBERT

Rosie

(Crossing down to

HER)

ROSIE

It,'s a sort, of f arewell present to you and Miss Rasputin.

it in good healt,h.
(ana SHE start s out R
)

ALBERT

Frant i cal ly )
Rosie I come back ! You can' t leave me here alone
(

RCS

You' re not alone, Albert . You' re on t,el-evision !

(SHg exits R.. ALL f re eze. And ALBERT

realizes what' s happened. Suddenly HE

turns on a da zzTing TV smile t,hen sings
desperately tc :he television audience. . .

Wear

L-9-59
65

(es HE tries .ooli:l5 in f ront

fallen CONRAD)
FOR HE,S A FINE, UPSTAI.IDING,

of the

PATRIOTIC,
HEALTHY, NORMAL
AMERICA}il BOY.

(fhe SM has been dashing about frantically

trying to get rid of the DOCTOR, to get
CONRAD on HIS feet, to get CROWD to sing.
THEY join ALBERT. . .
)

FoR HE,S A FINE, UPSffi*DING,

PATRIOTIC,
HEALTHY, NORMJ\IJ
AMERICAI{ BOY !

(as CURTAIN IS

DEScENDING, MRS. PETERSoN

starts doggedly in from L, clumps over to

ALBERT and beams adoringly at HER Sonny-boy
as MR. MacAFEE throws a tremendous Dinah
Shore kiss to audience. . . . )
ENp OF ACT-ONq

2-L-!
67

ACT

TWO

PROLOGUE

ENTR'Acrq

"A" (orchestra)
LIGHTS DIM, ENTR'ACTE begins
as on screen we go Lo. . .
MONTAGE OF VARIOUS MEAXTS OF

Beginning with
stock shot,s of newsboys selling
extras, telephone operators
plugging wires into switchboards,
telegraph wires humming. . . getting
wilder and wilder as we go to
stock shot of Wal l- St reet, in 1929
with everybody huddling around
ticker tapes; wdr-time groups
secretly listening to radios, lady
receiving telegram and fainting;
pi lot being handed message , t,hen
rushing t,o t,hat, f amous cl ip of a
canvas seven-winged bi -p1ane circa
L9I2 , taking of f , then quiet, Iy
folding up into nothing; so on anC
so forth, 9tting progressively
j erkier and more old- fashioned
speed as montage progresses.
Building to climax as music does
the same. erash of music.
COMMUNICATION.

BLACKOUT
M

''8'' (orchestra w/TEEN GrRLS)

NOTE: In case film proj ection is not feasible,
use ENTR'ACTE B in place of above.
ENTR'ACrE

TEENS

(From pit with orchest,ra)

WE LOVE YOU, CONRAD,
OH, YES WE DO !
wE LOVE YOU CONRAD,
AND WE'LL BE TRUE !
WHEN YOU'RE NOT NEAR US,
WE'RE BLUE !
oH, coNRAD,
WE LOVE YOU.

(Orchestra aI f ine )

2-L-2
68

ACT

TWO
1

Scene

At end of

ENTR'ACTE, CURTAIN goes

up on KIM'S BEDROOM IN MacAFEE HOME.

Music up as ROSIE sits disconsolately
on edge of t,he bed.
^L/

rr

WI{AT

DID I

EVER SEE

IN

HIM? ''

ROS IE
EIGHT YEARS ! EIGHT YEARS !
THAT'S HOW LONG I WASTED ON HIM...
THAT'S ALL ! I'M THROUGH !
ALBERT DEAR, TO PUT IT SWEETLY:
TO HELL WITH YOU !
(nises, goes above bed)

. . .That's right, the heIl with you! From now on it's just
going to be me, Rosie, orr the town, singing, dancing, having a
ball, making up f or eight years of being in love with a Mammaclutching , aspirin- split,t,ing six f oot tower of Jello !
(enA SHE heaves f irst suitcase on bed
and begins t,hrowing clothes wildly
into it )
WHAT DID I EVER SEE IN HIM?
HOW DID I EVER GET IIIVOLVED THAT WAY?
NOW THAT IT, S OVER I CAI\T SMILE A\TD SAY,
WHAT DID I EVER SEE IN HIM?

BOY, I WAS WAY OUT ON A LIMB !

NOW THAT r M SAFETY ON THE GROUND AGAIN,
NOW THAT MY SENSES HAVE BEEN FOUND AGAIN,
WHAT DID I EVER SEE IN HIM?

IS HE TENDER? NO, HE'S NOT !

rs HE THOUGHTFUL? NO, HE',S NOT !
AM I CRAZY? I^II{AT, S HE GOT
THAT I FOUND SO DA}4N APPEALING?
WI{AT DID HE EVER DO FOR ME?
WELL, TO BE HONEST, HE WAS SOMETIMES NICE,
BUT STTLL IT WASN'T WORTH THE AWFUL PRICE !

IT WAS ROUGH,
FROM THE START,
BROKEN DATES, BROKEN
HOW DID I EVER,
WHY DID I EVER,
WI{AT DID I EVER. .

NAILS,

BROKEN HEART...

2-r-3

69

(ena SHE is so angry, SHE can't go olt.

KIM has come in at end of above and
now tries to comfort ROSIE. Music
silent pause for dialogue)
KIM

Don't be upset, Miss Alvarez . AlI men can't be like that

IE
Every one of theml Except maybe Albert Schwettzer. And I'm
not his type. They're aII the same. From puberty to
senility. . . from Benedict Arnold t,o Mussolini. . .
ROS

KIM

I never understood why Ingrid Bergman married him in t,he first,

place.
Egotistical,

ROS

IE

selfish human beasts

KIM

Then what are we poor women to do, Miss Alvarez?

ROS

Use them!

IE

(Xing t,o above bed)

(uusic vamp in)

Let them be our playthings I While we live ! Sip from the cup
of life I Mix the potion full strong and drain it to the dregs
( SHg s lams down I id of sui t case
Music out for next line)
...How do you like them apples, Mr:. Peterson!
.

KIM &

ROS

IE

DO WE NEED THEM? NO, WE DON'T!

DO WE WAIUT THEM? NO, WE DON'T!
KIM

WTLL WE LEAVE THEM?

ROS

IE

NO, WE WON',T !
TELL ME, WHAT DID I SAY THAT FOR?
KIM & ROSIE
WHAT DID WE EVER SEE IN THEM?
HOW COUTD WE EVER THINK THAT THEY WERE NICE
TAKE IT FROM US, WE'VE PAID A}il AWFUL PRICE!
IT WAS ROUGH,
FROM THE START,
BROKEN DATES, BROKEN NA]LS, BROKEN HEART...
WHAT DID WE EVER SEE IN. . .

2-r-4
70

Hugo F. Peabody!

KIM
ROS

IE

Hah?

KIM

! What, did I ever see in him? Why, he' s as bad as Mr.

Peterson if not worse !

Hugo

. . . Miss

(Suddenly)

Alvarez, f 'm coming with you

ROS

IE

Kim, don't be ridiculous ! You're only fifteen

KIM

Ju1iet was fourteen when she left

ROS

home.

IE

And look vrhat happened to her ! Now look, Kim, why don't you
have some milk and cookies and go to bed like a. . .
KIM

It's

t,oo late for cookies, Miss Alvarezl I want, to livel

We' 1I sip the dregs together I We' 11 help each other with our
pot ions !

JN H_rM - UNpERSCoRE (orchesr,ra)

(But ROSIE has already fled in terror
out the door and down the stairs as
LIGHTS COME UP to reveal. . . )
sEE

2-2-5
71-

ACT

TWC

Scene

DOWNSTAIRS IN TI{E MacAFEE HOUSE.

As ROSIE starts downstairs, noise
is heard outside and CONRAD sLarts
in front door, followed by ALBERT
and MRS . PETERSON. . . aII babbling.

CONRAD

(as HE enters)
. . . For t,he last t,ime, AIberL , I 'm okay and I don' t, f eel like
getting into bed! Now leave me alone !
ALBERT

(es CONRAD starts toward kitchen R)

Conrad, be reasonable! You've had a severe shock and the best
thing to do is get upst,airs and
(Un turns to point t,o stairs and sees
. . . Aha I

ROS

IE

There she is I The traitor

heart while my back was turnedl
ROS

t,hat stabbed me in

t,he

IE

(Trying to get past

Get out of my way, Albert.

MRS.

HIM)
PETERSON

(Moving L to stand between THEM)

Be careful, sonny! She may be armed!
ALBERT

(By this time, CONRAD has grabbed

can of beer)
I can handle her, Mamma.
(CONRAD Xes L to stairs; opening
can of beer, it squirts up in t,he

air)

You go upstairs with Conrad and see that he get,s into bedl
(UnS

PETERSON

starts up sLairs

af t er

CONRAD)

MRS.

PETERSON

Wait f or me, Conrad ! I' 11 make you a nice hrct cup of

terramycin.

ROS

IE

A1bert, for the last time, will you let me byl I': gioing on
the town tonight, and I don't want to waste a:o::e: r.inute
I

2-2-6
72
ALBERT

(Quickly closing front door)

Not until I 've had my say, Rose . I j ust want, to let you know
that t,hanks to Mamma's quick thinking, Lhe kiss will take place
af t,er al l- . Tomorrow morning at, the rai lroad stat ion j ust,
before Conrad leaves. .
(Ve ry sat i s f ied with HIMSELF )
. . . So it looks l ike you' ve f ai Ied, Rose . As anyone must, f ai I
who tries to buck A1 Peterson, one of the giants, the titans,
one of the King Kongs of the music industry.
.

(lnusic comes up as ALBERT cont,inues

boast,ing about what, a world leader HE
is, in pantomime, and ROSIE j ust looks
at HIM as SHE sings. . . )
WHAT DID T EVER SEE IN HTM? II
REPRISE

E,

ROS

IE

WHAT DTD T EVER SEE IN HIM?

HOW COULD T EVER THINK THAT HE WAS NICE?
TAKE IT FROM ME I'VE PAID AN AWFUL PRICE !
IT WAS ROUGH,
FROM THE START,
BROKEN DATES, BROKEN NAILS, BROKEN HEART...

(af oud)

. . .Ar'r. Empire

builCer!

ALBERT

A Colosseus

(ana ROSIE has had enough)

Out,

of

ROS IE
my way. . .you def rocked English teacher!
(ana SHE let,s HIM have it, in the arm

with a suitcase. "@j-" he yel-ls

ROS IE strikes out t,he door)
WHAT DID I EVER SEE. .
IN HIM

as

(ROSIE hurries
after HER and
window)

left as ALBERT limps

bellcws off L through
ALBERT

Rosie , eome back ! Do you hear me? This is King Kongr calling
Rosie ! Rosie, I need you. Rosie, please come back !

ROSiC! ...(AS

MACAFEES ANd RANDOLPH

enter f rom R, ALBERT'S t,one

immediately changes
)

2-2 -7
73

ALBERT (Continued)

,..And I don'L care how you plead and beg, Miss Alvarezt you're
through here at, A1maelou ! Not, only do I accept your
res ignat ion, but f urt,hermore you' re f ired . And j ust remember
one more thing. Sticks and st,ones will break my bones but,
names will never harm me. You big rat
(es HE starts back from window)
Sorry to do t,his in f ront of you , folks, but I've had to let
Miss Alvarez go.
( Phone rings
T' 11 get Lhat,
.

Probably Hong Kong again.

MR. MacAFEE
ALBERT

(Picking up phone)
Hello, this is Albert, Peterson speaking ! I 'm sorry, Mr . Lew- s
but Miss Rose Alvarez is no longer with us. That' s right .
.

(through t,he l-ast, KIM , el-utching a heavy

suitcase, has appeared at the head of t,he
The following is interspersed as
stairs.
SHE st.art s down and ALBERT cont inues on
the phone in pantomime)
.

Miss Alvarez

KIM

Wait for

me

I'm coming

MR. MacAFEE
And where do you think you're going , yeung lady?
KIM

To drain deep t,he dregs and sip ful1 hearty

brimming cup. To live !

With Rosie
Upstairs

MR. MacAFEE
.

KIM

But, Daddy. . .
Upst,airs

t,he

MR. MacAFEE
.

(then burst ing out,)

you hear me? I said. .
(Controlled again)
Upstairs.
. . .Do

Miss Alvarez was right

Mussol-ini. . .

KTM

You're aII the

same.

From puberty to

2-2-8
74

MR. MacAFEE

...What's that? You dare to say 'puberty' in front of your own

f at,her? Not to mention Mussolini? Doris . . . we've f ailed as
parents
(Hg f aIls into MRS . MacAFEE' S arms )
I never asked for much from my children. Just respect. A
Iit,t, Ie respect. That's all I asked for. Respect . But did I
get respect? I did not get respect. I got no respect.
!

I respect, you,

RANDCTPH
Pr

Snarl ing )
want, your respect

MR. MacAFEE

! You' re a chi ld . What, good is

I don' t
respect from a child ! Doris, take me upstairs, I'm not a well
mall . ".
(es THEY start up)
. . . Certain words I didn't want to hear in t,his house . Puberty
was t,he f irsL. . . and Mussolini was the second. .
.

(as THEY disappear)

And respect was the third. . .

ALBERT

(Stil1 on phone. Aloud)

, . . Now l-ook here , Mr . Lewis , no three - cent reporter can
bulldoze me ! I happen Lo be Albert J. Pet,erson and you can
print t,hat in whatever cheap paper you happen to represent !
( Pause
It's not a paper, it's a magazine.
(another pause)
And it's not Mr. Lewis...
(sof t ly)
It's Mr. Luce.
(Then with a wail as HE hangs up)
...Rosie, T need you!
)

MRS. PETERSON
(From head of sLairs as ALBERT
to door)
Sonnyboy! Where are you going?

starts

ALBERT

Nowheres, Mamma. Just out .

thought. . .
. . . To

(Bravely)

look for Rosie,

Mamma

It' s stuffy in here so I

! I love her and I want her

MRS.

PETERSON

back

s that, al l ? I thought it was something serious . By all

means, sonny, f ind your Lady of Spain and bring her back here.
(SgP crosses into kitchen)
And by the way, dear, when you get back be sure to stop in the
kitchen, take my head out, of t,he oven, and t,urn off the gas. . .
f

2-2-9
75

(SUB has Lurned on gds, now get,s down on

HER knees and ca1mly st,icks HER head in
the oven)
ALBERT

(Crossing over and pulling

Mamma

HER out)

MRS.

PETERSON

(Stopping to turn off gas )

It's a strange house. I don' t, want Lo run up a bill.
ALBERT

I've had enough of this! If you realIy l-oved me, you' d

help me f ind Rosie before it's t,oo late . Don' t, you real rze
what' s happened? That poor girl-' s gone out to make up for all
the years she wast,ed on me. Who knows what low dive she' s in
at this very moment.
Mamma,

MRS.

PETERSON

Oh, sonny, you' re right ! f '11 help you f ind her.

bett,er give you the message from Conrad firsL. . .
What message?

Only

maybe

ALBERT

MRS.

PETERSON

Nothing t,o worry about, darling. He just says he's going out
tonight, and he doesn' t think he' 11 get back on time to kiss Kim
tomorrow...
Mamma, why

didn't you teIl

ALBERT

me this before!

MRS.

PETERSON

I tried to, darling sweet,heart, but you

certain party from South of the Border.

kept,

bringing up

ALBERT

Shout ing upst,airs )

I don' t, know what ' s t,he mat ter with him !
this means to me ! Conrad.! Conrad!
(

CONRAD'S VOICE

He knows how much

Take it easy ! f'm coming. . .

(ana CONRAD, dressed in t ight j eans ,
leather j acket and booLs, st,arts
downstairs )
...And before you start hollering, Albeyt, I just want you to
know I made up my mind! I'm tired of getting up at nine every
morning, having people watch me when I eat , and let t. ing kids
poke me in t,he eye . I wanna have some fun I Go out ! Meet a
couple of young chicks ! Don' t, you understand, Albert . I anr
t,ense

2-2-10
76
ALBERT

Mamma,

don't just stand there! Do something!

MRS.

PETERSON

(Pfanting HERSELF sexily in front

of the door)
Conrad, did you ever think in terms of a more mature
(SHg shows a bit of shoulder)

woman?

CONRAD

, T hope I never geL lhAt tense !

(as HE goes to RC)
...Now look, buddy boy, this is my last free night before I go
into the Army, and I am going ouF !

Man

(Goes to

AI,BERT
CONRAD)

You can't go out without my permission! It says so in your

contractl Mamma, gL the cont,ract. It's in my... Never mind,

I' LI get it myself.

(es HE charges upstairs)
. . . Conrad, you stay right here
!

(l"lusic comes up)

tt

Nrt

Conrad. . .

MRS.

PETERSON

a bit of ankle,
then is embarrassed and hurries out
the door, UR)
(SHE shyly shows HIM

CONRAD

THERE ARE CHICKS,

JUST RIPE FOR SOME KISSTN'!
ADilD I MEAI\T TO KISS ME A FEW !
[4AN, THOSE CHICKS
DON'T KNOW WHAT THEY'RE MISSIN'
I GOT A LOT OF LIVIN' TO DO !

STZZLIN' STEAKS !
ALL READY FOR TASTIN'!
AND THERE'S CADILLACS...ALL SHINEY AIID

NEW!

GOTTA MOVE,
CAUSE TIIVIE IS A-WASTIN'!
THERE'S SUCH A l,OT OF LIVIN' TO DO!

(And HE moves out of t,he house as ITIGHTS

UP on a defiant KIM in HER bedroom)

COME

2-2-11
77

KIM
THERE ARE MEN
OF NINETEEN OR TWENTY
WHO ARE SUAVE AI.ID RECKLESS AI\TD TRUE
OLDER MEN,
WHO'LL GTVE A GIRL PTENTY !
I'VE GOT A LOT OF LIVIN' TO DO I

(By now the MacAFEE HOUSE is moving of f

and we find OURSELVES. . . )

2-3

-r2
7B

ACT

TWO

Scene

IN THE STREETS OF SWEET APPLE.

'rA

Lor oF l,rvrN' To Do'' (continued)

CONRAD

THERE'S MUSIC TO PLAY!

PLACES TO GO!
PEOPLE TO SEE !
EV'RYTHING. . .
FOR YOU AI\TD ME !

(Hg SeeS

DEBORAH SUE

and ALICE.

Music continues under dialogue)

Hey, you kids Live here, don't you?
Yes, Mr. Birdie.

DEBORAH SUE

CONRAD

What's the lowdown on this town?

Sweet, Apple
who

DEBORAH SUE

, Ohio, was f ounded in

1.852

by Jeremiah

. Apple

CONRAD

I mean, what do you do here ? Where do you go t,o have a bal l ?

ALICE

I , t,here ' s t,he church basement and t,he Sweet Shoppe , and the
older kids go to t,he ice house.

Wel

What,'

s t,here?

CONFAD

ALICE

I don' t, know. Ic, I guess

KIM

(Entering L)
It j ust so happens, Mr . Birdie, that the ice house j-s where
people go when they want to be alolte.
CONRAD

Hey

, ain't you the chick I was supposed to kiss?

KIM

I am not a chick. I am a fu1ly grown woman and I insist, on

being treated as such. As a mat,ter of fact, that's why I'm
leaving home

2-3-13
79
CONRAD

you're talking, Chick

(Un takes HER arm)
Come on, l-et's move ! We got things to

Now

do

(Through the f ol lowing t,he SWEET APPLE

KIDS gradually gather and j oin in as
CONRAD

sings)

CRAZY CLOTHES !
AI\TD MOTOR BOAT RACES

CONRAD & THREE GIRLS

SOMEONE NICE TO CUDDLE UP TO!
BROADWAY LIGHTS !
A}ilD WIDE-OPEN SPACES !
THERE'S SUCH A LOT OF LIVIN' TO DO!

(uore KIDS j oin

THEM)

LOTS OF DATES,
A\ID NO ONE TO SCOLD YOU!
LOOP THE LOOP A}TD LAUGH AT THE VIEW !
MOONLIGHT SWIMS,
AITD SOMEONE TO HOLD YOU!
YEAII ! WE GOT A LOT OF LIVIN' TO DO
CONRAD

THERE'S MUSIC TO PLAY!

KIDS

YOU KNOW TT!

CONRAD

PLACES TO GO!
YOU KNOW

KIDS

IT!

PEOPLE TO SEE
EV'RYTHING. . .

CONRAD
!

KIDS
YEAII

CONRAD

FOR YOU AIVD ME !

OH, LIFE'S A BALL,

ALL

IF ONLY YOU KNOW TT!

AI$D TT'S ALL JUST WAITING FOR YOU!

WOW !

2-3-L4
80

ALL
YOU'RE ALIVE !
SO COME ON AND SHOW IT!
OH, WE'VE GOT A LOT OF LIVING,
SUCH A LOT OF LIVING,
WHAT A LOT OF LIVIN' TO
(Uus ic s i

(off

lent, pause f or dialogue

MAYOR'S WIFE
uR)

A1ice, where are you? You know you were told to go straight
bed! A1 ice!
!

(I(IDS freeze at the sound of HER voice, then

Music picks up
scatter in all- directiorls.
underscoring dialogue into next vocal )
MR. JOHNSON
(Coming UC from L)
Harvey Johnson , I want, you home this Einut,e
(Un exit s DL)
MRS.

MERKLE

(Bntering DR and exiting UC and R)

Do you hear me, Dborah Sue? Mother's calling you, Deborah
Sue ! Deborah Sue
!

(Last TWO KIDS almost run over HER

as THEY dash of f DR. FIARVEY JOHNSON
dashes across from UC and out DL.
CONRAD is alone on stage for a second
and then the KIDS return, led by KIM)
CONRAD

THERE'S MUSIC TO PLAY!

PLACES TO GO!
PEOPLE TO SEE !
EV'RYTHING. . .

KIDS
YEAI{

CONRAD

FOR YOU A\TD ME !

CONRAD ANd KIDS

, LIFE'S A BALL !
rF ONLY YOU KNOW TT
A}TD IT'S ALL JUST WAITING
OH

FOR YOU!
YOU'RE ALIVE !
SO COME ON A\TD SHOW IT !
oH, wE'vE GOT A LOT OF LrVrN' ,
SUCH A LOT OF LIVTN' ,

to

2-3-15
81

A LOT OF LIVIN'
oo oo oo oo oo

WHAT

CONRAD

TO

(ena Two BY Two,

Last to go are
dash off DR as
.

Kim

DO

& KIDS (Continued)

the KrDs spin

CONRAD and
HUGO call-s

KIM,
after

of f

who
)

HUGO

, come back ! Kim. . .

(Ana HE turns around and st,arts L
aS CORNER Of MACAFEE HOUSE COMCS ON
L and MR. MacAFEE st,eps out )

Kim

MR. MacAFEE

! Kim, where are you?

(Seeing HUGO)
...Hugo, have you seen Kim?

Kim

HUGO

(Xing to C)
Don't ask me. Ask Conrad Birdie. .

MR. MacAFEE

(xing to HIM)
What are you talking about?

HUGO

They're ouL together having moonlight swims and mot,orboat, races

and loop - the - loop I I ' m going to do t,he only sens ible t,hing
Drink myself to death. .
(Un Xes U and off L)
.

Moonlight
...Doris,

MR. MacAFEE

swims . . . Motorboat, races . . . Loop-the- loop

(fo MRS. MacAFEE who comes out,

through this)
get my gun.

ALBERT

(coming ouL of house )

Mr. MacAfee, you haven't seen Conrad, have you?
MR. MacAFEE

No, but I intend seeing him, Mr . Pet,erson. So if you have a

message, I'11 be glad to deliver it right afLer I shoot him.
Shoot him !

ALBERT

Rosie ! I've goL to find Rosie

(Hg dashes of f )

MRS. MacAFEE

Dear, what are you talking about? You know you don't have
gun

2-3-15
82

MR.

MacAFEE

There's that Daisy Air Rif Le in t,he garage.

That' s

(Who has come

mine, Pd.

RANDOLPH

out of t,he house )

MR. MacAFEE

You shut up !

(xing C)
I wonder where I can buy beebees this late at night. . .

Anyway

, it's

MRS. MacAFEE

broken, dear. . .

Mr. MacAFEE
That bow and arrow I bought you last
Christmas with the suction tipsI Don't just stand there! My
daughter has run off to loop-the-loop with a fiend I Get me a

Then get me anything!

wat,er gun

(UnS. MacAFEE and

RANDOLPH

go into house)

'rKrDs"
KIDS

MR. MacAFEE
!

I DON'T KNOW WHAT'S

KIDS TODAY !
KIDS

WRONG

WITH THESE

WHO CA}U UNDERSTA\TD AI{YTHING THEY SAY

KIDS !
THEY ARE DISOBEDIENT, DISRESPECTFUL OAFS

NOISY, CRAZY, SLOPPY, LAZY

LOAFERS
A}UD WHILE WE'RE ON THE SUB.JECT,

KIDS !
YOU CA\T TALK AAID TALK
FACE IS BLUE !
KTDS

TILL

YOUR

BUT THEY STTLL DO JUST WHAT THEY

WAI{T TO DO !
WHY CA\I'T THEY BE LIKE WE WERE,
PERFECT TN EV'RY WAY !
WHAT'S THE MATTER WITH KIDS TODAY!

MR.. & MRS. MacAFEE

KTDS !

2-3-L7
83
(

Instrumental )
MR. MacAFEE

f don't mind the moonlight swims; itrs

hurts !

the l-oop-the-Ioop that,

BOTH

KTDS

Why

MR. MacAFEE

don't they lower the draft age. . . Lo about eleven?

BOTH

KIDS

I didn't

MR. MacAFEE
know what, puberty was until f was almost past, it
BOTH

KIDS !
THEY ARE JUST IMPOSSIBLE

TO CONTROL!
KIDS

WITH THEIR AWFUL CLOTHES

ROCK AIUD ROLL
WHY

CAI\T '

IN A

A]\TD THEIR

THEY DAI\TCE

LIKE WE DTD?

MR. MacAFEE
ROMANTIC WAY?

(Comes

RANDOLPH

out of house)

Hey, Pop, here ' s my pea- shooter

MR. MacAFEE

A pea-shooter? What good's a. . .

Give it to

me

BOTH

WHAT'S THE MATTER WITH KIDS

(tUnY dash of f R.

TODAY

RANDOLPH

BLACKOUT

KrDS

cHA\TGE (orchestra)

13

exits

L)

2-4-l-8
84

ACT

TWO
4

Scene

In one of Sweet Apple' s rrlow dives "

. . .MAUDE' S ROADSIDE RETREAT, which
is proclaimed on neon-sign. We
notice sign above bar that says
NO MINORS SERVED. Also , a door
leading to a room UC, a small bar.
HUGO, trying to look casual,
saunters over to bar and sits on
stool . BARTENDER ignores HIM,
continues polishing glasses .
Music fades out.

HUGO

I' 11 have a double rocks on the scotch. And put

in it t,h:-s t.ime. Can you make me a vodka malted?
,.

How

old are

some rocks

BARTENDER

you?
HUGO

(Taking no chances)

32.

BARTENDEF.,

Get, ouL

What about a beer?

Beat, it

HUGO

BARTENDER
.

HUGO

.fust let me sit here with an empty glass in front of

Out.

I demand t,o See the

me.

BARTENDER

HUGO

manager

. Where' S Maude ?

BARTENDER

f'm Maude, Charles F. Maude.

(Comes around bar to HUGO)
. . .And if you're not out of here in one minut,e, I'1l
by t,he scruf f of t,he neck and t,hrow you out,
!

take you

2-4-19
B5

HUGO

going..
(Xes L, Lhen turns)
...This is t,he last time I do my drinking in thi

Okay, I

' fil

exits. At the exact.

sLart,s in from R)
(HUGO

place

same momeot,

ROSIE, st,i11 lugging t,he two suit,cass,

ROS

IE

(as SHE dumps suitcases and st,rides to bar)

. . . Double bourbon, scot.ch on the side , rro ice , and a che rry in
it ! Make that t,wo cherries ! And bring on the dancing boys I
Alvayez is t,he name but, I want you t,o call me Spanish Rose !
Siboney...Da da da da, da da da da da, da dum dum dum!
Spanish

MAUDE

Rose
ROS

si.

IE

MAUDE

Get ouL.

ROS

IE

wait a minute ! You can' t throw me out, ! I 'm an American

citi zerL and it' s my qonst,it,utional right t,o have a drink here
if I so choose and get loaded here if I so choose and do any
manner of wild and trashy things here if I so choose I This is
Spanish Rose's coming out party and when I say coming out I

Now

mean coming out,

*

*
No!
*

Mamars
^

MAUDE

a man involved.
.
ROS IE
A mamat s boy. And she hates

That, means t,heret

boys'

MAUDF

mamas

always do.

So

me

'whatts the problem?

6A/Spervrsu nosE [Revised]

I IM JUST A

ROS

IE

SPA}TISH TAII'U\LE,
SHE LOVES TO SAY,
RIGHT OFF A BOAT FROM THE TROPICS
FAR, FAR AWAY...
WHICH IS KTNDA FUNNY,
SINCE I COME FROM ROMANTIC, EXOTIC.
PITTSBURGH, P.A. !

She thinks I fm too Spanish

I ever marry that mouse--

Oh

L5

, eould I show her Spanish !

If

2-4-19a

85a

ROSIE (Cont'd)

I I LL

COOK THE TACO AND THE ENCHILADA

A\TD DAY AI\TD NIGHT MY CASTA}UETS WILL CLICK
THE ONLY SONG I'LL STNG WILL BE ''GRANADA, II
I'LL BE SO SPAI\TISH IT WILL MAKE HER SICK!

LL VISIT IN OUR COZY HACIENDA,

MY RED-HOT CHILI, IT ' LL MAKE HER CRY,
THE DAIQUIRIS WILL POUR OUT OF MY BLENDA,
A\TD THEN WE DANCE THE FLAMENCO, AI AI AI !
SHE

WATCH OUT FOR THE WILD SPA}UISH ROSE,

THE WICKEDEST FLOWER TI{AT GROWS !

HER SKIRT SHE IS SPLIT,

HER HIPS NEVER QUTT,
TFIAT SPITFIRE, SPA\TISH ROSE !

MRS . P, BE MY MJ\}fl\CITA,
REAL LATINA DAUGHTER I WILL BE,
TCGETHER WE WILL SHOP AT THE BODEGA,
AI\TD WATCH THE SPAI\TISH CHANNEL ON TV. .

HEY,

A}TD THEN BEFORE LONG

HOLA!

SUPPOSE,

YOUILL HELP US PICK OUT BABY CLO'ES,

FOR JUAAT AND ENRIQUE,
ROSA, AI\TITA,
JOSE A}TD CARMEN,
JESUS, CONSUELO- -

MJ\MJ\, YOU CA\] BET YOUR BOTTOM PESO

SOMEDAY I MAKE HIM ONE TERRIFIC WIFE,
IT GIVES ME MUCHO HAPPINESS TO SAY SO:
WTTH ME YOUR SONNYBOY COULD HAVE A LTFE

SO BOYS, NOW YOU I VE MET SPA}TISH ROSE,

THE WICKEDEST FLOWER THAT GROWS,
r I M WILD A}TD T 'M FREE,
I IM WHAT I MUST
BE,
TBOUT
DON I T WORRY
ME- SPA}TISH ROSE !

(The phone rings.

o

MAUDE

picks up the phone. )

MAUDE

. . Yeah?

(l,ight,s up on

ALBERT
ALBERT

in the

MACAFEE l-iving

Hell-o , t his is Albert, J. Peterson speaking.

t,here ?

room,

SL)

Is Rose Alvarez

MAUDE

Who?

Wait a second, I t.hink

please

ALBERT

t.haL ' s

her voice . would you put her

1,7

on

2-4-20
85
M;\UDE

Hold the wire ! Hey, Fidel Castro !

want,s to talk to you.
(nOSIE

ROS

l-a

gusta. .

guy named Pet,erson

yells in the direction of t,he

You tell that weasely little

gusLa

Some

phone . )

IE

rat I 'm not here! ...Oh, Cuant,o Ia

ALBERT

That proves she' s there ! Who else would know I 'm a weasely
litLle rat ?
(nOSIE grabs the phone out of MAUDE' s hand.
ROS

What

IE

ALBERT

Rose, Itve got t,o t,alk to you!

ROS

It|s

about, Conrad!

IE

And furt,hermore, ven if I were t,his Ros, which I am not,, t,he

only t,hing that would certainly make me hang up is any ment,ion
of anybody named Conrad!
(ROSB

puts t,he phone down on the bar.

ALBERT

ical Iy . )
No, Rosie, please don r t, hang up ! I wonr t mention Conrad ! We ' II
talk abouL anyt,hing you want, ! You and me, you and I , anyt,hing !
Oh, Rosie, plea3e . . .
(Frant,

TALK TO ME''
m'BABY (UeUDE

is 2nd Tenor in t,he backup

male quart,et, . The 1st Tenor, Bari tone
and Bass are the THREE LOCAL OLD GEEZERS. )

ALBERT

QUARTET

TALK TO ME,
BABY, WON I T YOU TALK TO ME?
I DON'T CARE WI{AT YOU SAY,
BABY, TALK TO ME.
MUST YOU BE
OH, SO FAR AWAY FROM ME?
IT SEEMS ALL WRONG THIS WAY,

(nOSIE pushes phone away)

TALK TO ME.
AI\TD IF YOU MISS ME,

MMMM.

..

(the GEEZERS have risen from their seats and

approach the bar. They listen to the phone which is
lying t,here. We hear ALBERT singing through the
phone. The 2nd TENOR-MAUDE starts singing.)
18

2-4-20
85
BARTENDER

Hold the wire !

(fo ROSIE in middle of her "Ai-eee ! " )
Hey, Fidel Castrol I goL a guy named Peterson wanL,s to t,alk to

you

fnto phone)
TeII that weaselly littl-e

ROSIE

rat r, m not here !

ALBERT

That proves she's there ! Who else would know I'm a weasel-ly
littIe
rat?
(shouting)
. . . Rose , I 've got to talk to you I IL' s about, Conrad I
ROS

IE

(Grabbing phone)
And furthermore, even if I were this Ros, which I am not, the
one thing that would certainly make me hang up is any mention
of anybody named Conrad!
(Frant ica1ly)

ALBERT

No, Rosie, please don't hang upl I won't mention Conradl

We'II talk about anything you want ! You, rTr , I, anythinql
(Uusic comes up. ROSIE light,s a cigarett,e,
puffs it furiously through following)
Oh, Rosie, please. . .

'BABY,. TALK To

ME'r

is 2nd Tenor in the backup

male quartet, DISHWASHER 1st Tenor,
(MeUog

FIRST CUSTOMER Barilone and

SECOND CUSTOMER Bass)

ALBERT

QUARTET

TALK TO ME,
BABY, WON'T YOU TALK TO ME?
I DON'T CARE WI{AT YOU SAY,
BABY, TALK TO ,ME.
MUST YOU BE
OH, SO FAR AWAY FROM ME?
rT SEEMS ALL WRONG THTS WAY,

(ROSfE pushes phone away)

TALK TO ME.
AATD

TF YOU MISS ME,

MMMM.

(Of SHWASHER ent,ers UC and j oins

MAUDE and TWO CUSTOMERS AS THEY
hum)

2-4-2r
B7

ALBERT (Continued)
TELL ME SO!
ARE YOU LONELY?
TELL ME SO!

ME;

SAY YOU LOVE

TELL ME

QUARTET (Continued)

MMMM..
MMMM...
MMMM...
MMMM...

SO!

HONEY...
LET ME KNOW.

OOOH...HONEY!

TALK TO ME,

MMMM...

TILL I

PRESS

CLOSE TO

ME

OOOH!...

TILL I

YOU

AI{. .
AF{. . .

PRESS YOIJ. . . AH . .

THEN YOU'LL SEE. . .

WE WON'T HAVE TO TALK

AT ALL!

(OISHWASHER

turns and QUARTET sings)

MUST YOU BE
OH SO FAR AWAY FROM ME,

(ROSIE moves DS

suitcase.

MEN f

to siL on
ollow)

HER

BABY

I DON'T CARE WHAT YOU SAY,

TALK
TO ME !
AI{D IF YOU MISS

ME

IT AIN'T

...

OH. .

ooH...ooH. ..ooH. . .
OOH...OOH...OOH. . .

HONEY! HONEY!

..

ALBERT

(rnNoRS)
TALK TO ME
TILL I PRESS YOU
CLOSE TO ME !
THEN YOU'LL SEE

SO !

LADY, LADY, TELL HIM

sAy You LovE ME...

TELL ME SO...
KNOW.

YOU LOSE,
GONNA HURT !

CATT

TELL HIM

ARE YOU LONELY?

LET ME

OH, BABY...
TALK. .
GO ON, WHAT

HALF

QUARTET

HALF

TALK, TALK TO ME
AFI

..

TALK TO

TILL I

CLOSE TO ME !
THEN YOU'LL SEE

WE WON'T HAVE TO TALfrLBERT

&

AI{. . .
AFI . . .

QUARTET

AT ALL!

(ROSE returns to
DISHWASHER moves

QUARTET

TILL I

PRESS YOU
CLOSE TO ME. .

sit on stool
up to her L)

QUARTET

US.

ME

PRESS YOU

SO !

2-4-22
88

THEN YOU'LL SEE. .

ALBERT & QUARTET

.

TENOR (prSHWASUER)

WE WON'T HAVE TO TALK. .

MAUDE

ALBERT
CUSTOMERS

TALK. ..
TALK. . .

AII

..

&2

AI{. . .

TENOR (NTSHWASHER)

AT ALL!

MAUDE

TALK TO

ME

TALK TO ME!
TALK TO ME!

(nising)

FIRST

CUSTOI,IER

SECOND CUSTOMER
ALBERT

TALK TO ME...
MMMMMM.

..

ALL FIVE
!

ALBERT

(Looking at phone, suddenly puzzLed)

Rose , are you alone?
ROS

No, I'rr noL alone, A1bert .

(SexilY)
. . . See you later, boys.

IE

I'm with friends

ALBERT

(as MEN start, in door UC)

you
later,
See
boys?! Rosie, you've got t,o help me find
Conrad

ROS

IE

only t,he beginning, Albert! From now on the sky's

the limit . . .parties. . .ba1Is. . . dances ! AIvU\POLA, MY PRETTY
AMA. . . What' s going on in there?
(through above more MEN have Xed
and gone into door UC)
And that's

BARTENDER

No business of yours, lady.

That' s a privat,e dining room !

2-4-23
89

Private for

ROS

IE

whom?

For men only, that' s f or

BARTENDER
whom !
ROS

TE

ThaL's exact, Iy what I'm looking for! I've heard

about what goes on in these small t,owns. Out of Spanish Rose' s

Men only?

way!!

rRANSrrroN To SHRTNER's (orchestra)

BARTENDER
Hey, Ia,Cy, waiL a minute I
Even I ain' L allowed in
t,here I Hey , Lady. . .

ALBERT

stop her I Don't

let. her go in . Wait , Spanish
Rose ! I' 11 be right down.
Mamma, get my coat. .
Somebody

(ana ROSIE pushes the BARTENDER through

t,he door UC as lights come up t,o reveal . . .)

2-5-24
90

ACT

TWO

Scene

THE PRIVATE DINING

ROOM.

A long oblong table covered to floor

with white cloth. Moose head above
it.
MAYOR

...And so, Fl1ow Shriners, wibh the power vested in me...

(nOSIE runs in , followed by MAUDE. MAYOR
stops speaking. ALL SHRINERS slowly t,urn
and look at ROSIE. SHE does a wiggle or
two to invite THEM to dance, THEY stare
stonily. MAUDE gestures for HER to get out.
SHE resignedly exits R)
. . . Now before the Recording Secretary reads the minutes of
Last week's meet,ing , I want to bring up a subject that I am
sure is on everybody's mind tonight. .
(Through this last, ROSIE has come stealthily
back in frorn R. Music comes up softly as
SHE surveys the t-able of SHRINERS, then with
a wicked gleam in HER eye, SHE idly begins
playing with the tassel on the fez of the
.

nearest
(t"tus

sHRTNER

MiUS)

ic start,s

BALLET (orchestra)

from
to tickling,
from
kicks
to
a
kicks,
to
few
tickling
grinds , from grinds to bumps, until ROSIE
begins turning the quiet meeting into t,he
SHRINERS BALLET , a sort of midwestern
ver'sion of a Turkish orgy. The SHRINERS,
gradually warm
who are shocked at first,
up as ties are loosened and shirt tails
come out,. Under the long t,able slides
ROSIE, and one by one the SHRINERS are
pulled under with HER. Around the t,able,
behind iE, and on it THEY dance, until
as t,he music reaches its climax the t,ide
has turned. The SHRINERS have gone wilder
than ROSIE imaEined, and THEY toss HER
from one t.c ancther as THEY whirl like
dervi she s f ir:.a i- Iy di sappearing under the
table once aga j-n . A f inal crash of mus ic ,
(From tassel-twirling

2-5-25
91

a hand comes up; ROSfE is yanked

with THEM)
B L A C K.O IJ T

SHRfNER'S PLAY-OFF (Orchestra)

down

2-6-26
92

ACT

TWO
6

Scene

THE BACK DOOR OF MAUDE'S ROADSIDE

complete with t,rash cans,

back fence, lamppost . ROSIE comes
l imp1y out t.he door, we aring a red
fez-. SHE collapses on box DL next,
to garbage can. HUGO comes in C
from R.
RETREAT ,

(t"tusic f ades out )

HUGO

.Miss Alvarez, f have a favor to ask you. Could you go back

in there and get me some grain alcohol to go?
..

Not for a million

dollars

ROS

IE

HUGO

My whole world is collapsing bef ore me ! I can't get a drink;

and Kim's run of f wit,h Conrad to the ice house. . .
ROS

IE

! Albert ! I 've got t,o phone Albert !

you stay right here. .
(again) SHRTNEB's PLAY-OFF (orchestra)
re-. . . Kim and Conrad

Hugo,

ROS

IE

door into MAUDE'S . Instantly

SHRf NERS burst f ort,h.
SHE backs away. . . )
Now , fel-las ! Wait, a minute
(SHg opens

lift
then R.

HER and

(THEY

HUGO

ALBERT comes

it is !

HER madly

dashing on from

Music fades out

. . . Here

carry

(as

C,

DR.

ALBERT

s Roadside Retreat
(Opens door, shouts in)
I'm coming, Rose ! Hurry, Momma !
Maude'

off

goes. into MAUDE'S, and

MR.S. PETERSON

aggers on af ter HIM)

I don't know why we have to go running around aII nighL looking
for someone it, would be bet.t.er noL to find in the
SHE st

2-6-27
93
MRS . PETERSON (Continued)
first place . If you listen to me, sonnyboy , you' 11 come home,
have a nice cup of Post,um and go t,o bed.

ALBERT

(Xing R t,o HER)

Mamma, I told you I fm not coming home tiII
I find Rosie I
Now if you want to leave, thatfs okay with me.
(Stopping and t,urning)
As a matter of f act, it, ' s not, a bad idea. . .
(with a deep breath)
...Why dontt you go home, Mdmma.
MRS.

PETERSON

What did you say, sweet,heart darling?

ALBERT

I said , "Why don't you go home, Mdmma. I'

Wou1d

(ef ter a pause

MRS.

PETERSON

you mind repeating that once more, sunshine of

exi stence ?

my

ALBERT

I said, 90 home, Ma.mma. I don't need you any longer.

(MRS . PETERSON sit s on a garbage can. )
*_
OA/ ''A MOTHER OOESN' T ITATTER AIUYITTORB ''
"
MRS. PETERSON
(Spoken f reely over music: )
At, last it's comel The day I knew
So... iL's come at, lastl
would come at, last, has come at last ! My Sonnyboy doesnt L need
me any longer. WeII, what are you waiting for? Get rid of me !
Put, me out, with the garbage !
throw me out with t,he used
grapefruj-ts and t,he empt,y cans'Just
of t,una fish. And never mind
putting a lid on. Leave it, open so a hundred thousand
pussycats can walk all over a Mother! . . .

23

2-6-27a

93a

MRS. PETERSON (Cont'd)

WHO BRONZED YOUR BABY SHOES?

KISSED EV I RY LITTLE BRUISE?
WHO PICKED YOUR DIRTY SOCKS UP OFF THE FLOOR?
YOU COUGHED AI\TD WHO WAS THERE?
IT'S .JUST TOO HARD TO BEAR.
A MOTHER DOESN ' T MATTER ATTYMORE !

WITH BUNIONS ON MY FEET,

TRUDGED THROUGH SNOW A\TD SLEET,

TO BRING YOU LIC'RICE FROM THE CORNER STORE.

I SOLD MY TTFF'NY LAMP
SO YOU COULD GO TO CAIVIP.
NOW

MOTHER DOESN I T MATTER AI\TYMORE

(Spoken over music: )

That's it. Irm ready to go. And I don't want you to spend a
cent. Fancy funerals are for rich people. Just wrap me in a
f lag and dump me in t.he river- - -on Mother' s Day. .
.

AITD PRECTOUS, BY THE WAY,

THE DOCTOR CALLED TODAY,
WHAT I GOTIS A CONDITION YES, HEIS SURE,
THERE'S NOTHING THEY CAN DO,
I'LL LAST A WEEK OR TWO,
BECAUSE FOR A CONDITION TFIERE ' S NO CURE. .

THAT TIME YOU HAD THE CROUP,

WHO MJ\DE YOU CHICKEN SOUP,
AI\TD READ YOU IISI\IvIBT II TILL HER THROAT WAS SORE?
YOU SACRTFICE YOUR LIFE, THEN BAIUG ! YOU GET THE IO\TIFE,
NO, A MOTHER DOESN'T MATTER ANYMORE!...

(Spoken over music: )

There , I f eel- better now. Everything is as it

should be
A mother is lying on top of a sanitation truck bound for the
City Dump and a son is running around with a floo zLe who came
looking for a good time and stayed to ruin an American womanrs
life!..,

24

2-6-28
94

MRS. PETERSON (Cont'd)

WHO GAVE UP NIGHTS OF REST

TO RUB VTCKS ON YOUR CHEST?
WHO NURSED HER SONNYBOY TILL HE WAS FOUR?

MY LIFE HAS BEEN IN VAIN,

THTS COUNTRY I S DOWN THE DRAIN,
-CAUSE A MOTHER DOESNIT MATTER,
NO, A MOTHER DOESNIT MATTER,
YES, A MOTHER DOESN'T MATTER A}TYMORE !

Are you finished,

ALBERT
Mama?

MRS.

Yes, Sonnyboy.
Goodnight,

PETERSON

ALBERT
Mama.

MRS.

Goodnight, Sonnyboy.
My name's not Sonnyboy.

PETERSON

ALBERT

MRS.

PETERSON

You're just like your father... You'd marry anythingl

GLORY

HALLELUJAI{ (Orcheslra)

off R as we hear the

strains of t'Battle Hymn of the Republic.
THEY grow louder as SHE is gone. ALBERT
swells with triumphant pride. HE is thus
transfixed as MR. and MRS. MacAFEE and
RANDOLPH come hurrying on C from L)
(SHg moves

rr

MR. MacAFEE

.. .Mr. Peterson! Have you seen Conrad and

Kim?

ALBERT

Ah there, Mr. MacAfee! A great pleasure to see you again.

Unfortunately , T must telL you that, Conrad' s affairs no longer
interest me. Irrn l-ooking for Miss Alvarez now to t,eII her
that. . .
(He hears it
. . . Conrad and Kim?
)

Theyrve run off together!

MRS. MacAFEE

MR. MacAFEE

And if we don't, find them soon, Mr. Peterson, T int,end calling

the FBMhors
the head of it now, dear? Is it Peter Lawford
yet ?

25

2-6-29
95

ALBERT

il m sure there's nothing t,o worry about . .

MRS.

MERKLE

(Hurrying on C from L)
Doris ! Harry! Have you seen Ursula?
ALBERT

Ursula?

MRS. MacAFEE

Is she missing too?

MRS.

MERKLE

Since ten o'clock I And I've looked everyrhere.

MR. MacAFEE

(As MR. ,JOHNSON enters DR and speaks

simultaneously)
Mr. Peterson!
MacAfee

MR.

JOHNSON

! You haven't seen my llarvey, have you?

AIilOTHER PARENT

(Hurrying in C from
Or Roger! And Phyllis

L)

ATBERT

They're probably all down at the drugstore.

(erightly)
. . .Maybe having one of those gang wars. . .

..

MR. MacAFEE

Gang Wars !

(as ALBERT realizes what HE'S said

and sneaks off t)
(panENTS all
becomes a

begin talking at once.

jurnble; THEY all turn
around and, ds one, sing. . . )

ft

REPRTsE: "K.rDS"
KIDS

ALL
!

I DON'T KNOW hIHAT'S

KIDS TODAY !
KIDS

WRONG

WHO CAIV UNDERSTAI{D AIVYTHING THEY SAY !

WITH THESE

2-6-30
95
RA}TDOLPH

KTDS

THEY ARE SO RIDICULOUS A]\TD SO IMMATURE

I DON'T SEE WHY AI\TYBODY WAIITS 'EM !

MR. MacAFEE

.TUST YOU WAIT AND SEE. .

RANDOLPH

KIDS !
THEY ARE JUST IMPOSSIBLE

TO CONTROL!

SOON YOU'LL BE OLD

ENOUGH TO BE.. t

MR. MacAFEE

RANDOLPH

KIDS

WITH THEIR AWFUL CLOTHES AIVD THEIR

ROCK AND ROLL!

MR. MacAFEE
A}ilOTHER TEENAGE
DELINQUENT !
RANDOLPH

WHY CAII'T THEY BE LIKE YOU WERE,

PERFECT IN EV'RY WAY !

MR. MacAFEE &

WHAT'S THE MATTER hIITH KIDS TO

RANDOLPH

ALL
KIDS !
WHAT THE

KIDS

KIDS

DEVIL'S

WRONG

WITH THESE

TODAY!

WHO COULD GUESS THAT THEY WOULD TURN

OUT THAT WAY!

WHY CAI\T, T THEY BE LIKE WE WERE,

PERFECT TN EV'RY WAY !

MR. & MRS. MacAFEE

WHAT'S THE MATTER WTTH KIDS !
RANDOLPH

WHAT'S THE MATTER WITH KIDS

ALL
WHAT'S THE MATTER WITH KTDS TODAY

2-6-31
97

(et Lhe end of the song, the door to

and HUGO comes flying out)

MAUDE'S opens

HUGO

Hi, everybody! Good oId Hugo here!

(as HE falls into the ash can)
...Looped!
MRS. MacAFEE

Hugo Peabody, what have you been drinking?

HUGO

Milk. But, it worked I Anyhow , T 've got a perf ect, right to

drunk. My girl's gone off with Conrad Birdie to the . . ,

be

ALBERT

(Entering hastily f rom L1 Lalking f ast )

. . . To the movies I Great double bill tonight,. . . "F1ying Down
To Rio " and 'r Greed " ! Gosh, I ' 1l always remember t,hat, great
cast. Dolores Del Rio. . .
MR. MacAFEE

(f'orgett ing HIS t,roubles

And Gene Raymond..

And what a score

ALBERT
!

I' d f orgott,en t,hat

(Sof t

MR. MacAFEE
.

ALBERT & MR. MACAFEE

Iy, heads toget,her)

Hey, Rio,
Flying down t,o Rio. . .

ROS

..

.Albert

IE

(gnteringCfromRwit,haSHRINER
in hot pursuiL )
!

ALBERT

Rose, where've you been! I've been looking for you all night,!
I have good news for you, Rosie ! I did it ! I sent Mamma home !
And f 'm a new man, Rose ! A world leader
!

Albert,

ROS

IE

Conrad and Kim have g'one to the ice house

ALBERT

(Un doesn'L know what, it

The ice house?

is)

2-6-32
98

MR. MacAFEE

The ice house ! Doris, cal] the Mounted Police I

(As CROWD starts of f in various directions
Call Mr. Keen, Tracer of Lost Persons !

(et portal R)
CaII the Shadow! Look him up under Lamont Cranston...
(THEY rush off as the TIGHTS DfM,
and we find ourselves. . . )

L,AMoNT cRANsroN

To TcEHoUSE (orchestra)

2-7-33
99

ACT

TWO

Scene

The light of a match flares;

moonlight comes slowly up, and we

see CONRAD lighting KfM'S cigareLte,
in the ICE HOUSE, an enclosed, low,
barn- like structure, wit,h one or two

empty crates lying about. HE watches

HER

as SHE inhales.

KIM

that is refreshing. Of cours, f do prefer a Murad,

but these' 11 do. WelI, here we are, Conrad ! This is the ice
house ! Fun, isn't it
(SHg rises as CONRAD qits next t,o HER
and puts HIS arm around HER)
Of course, when you've been here as many times as I have...
I ' ve been here wit,h j ust everybody, you know . IJrsuIa . .
Deborah Sue. . . the Girl Scouts.
(Sgn coughs on cigarettes)
Stronger than the chocolate ones, aren' t they?
(COITRAD rises and goes to HER)
Conrad, you seem a bit nervous. Maybe a drag on this weed
would relax you. Or how abcut, one of t,hose reefers I've read
so much about? I can go out and get you a fix i,f you tell- me
what it is. When you've had a donkey on your back as long as I
have. .
(COWRAD puts HIS arm around HER again,
and SHE moves right,)
. . . Conrad , you're trembling ! Just because you're a f ew years
younger t,han I arn , I hope it, doesn' t make you uncomf ortable
I'm twenty-seven or twenty-eight, you know. One of the two.
So, 1rou see, I really know the score; I even know some of the
words! Connubian, pre-marrial, jailbait...
(fhe meaning of the last, word hits HIM.
HE stiffens, turns and starts for the steps)
...Mmmm,

URSULA

(Suddenly appearing at top of ladder)

There you are, oh sensuous one !

for music to begin quiet, ly under

dialogue and contine into vecal )
We've been looking f or you everyarhere !
(Cue

CONRAD

That' s nice . Now out of t,he way. f 'm laLe . . .

2-7 -34
100

URSULA

(Coming down as KIDS st,art pouring in)

But. you don't understand ! We're coming with you I
yourself!
We've got a lot of }iving to dol
Now

wait a minute. . .

We' 11

earth

Moonl

CONRAD

URSULA

never go home again !

We' 11

follow you to the ends of the

ight

DEBORAH SUE

swims

Mot.orboat races

Loop - the - loop

Yeah!

you said it

HELEN
PENELOPE

ALL
!

CONRAD

(eacking L)
Course that stuf f really ain't, as much fun as I made ou.t. .
We can

URSULA

sLart right now; Let's have an orgy!

(Pronounced with a hard g)

ICE HoUSE LIVIN'

KIDS
THEY puII CONRAD
GOT A LOT OF LIVIN' !
SUCH A LOT OF LIVTN' !

(es

(URSULA
WHAT

back t,o RC)

spins HIM around)

A LOT OF LTVIN'!
(URSULA leaps int,o HIS arms and KIDS are
a spinning, dancing mass with CONRAD and
URSULA it,s core. ALBERT and ROSIE ent.er
ALBERT

S shouts lost, in noise )

What's going on here? Conrad! Conrad!
(Hg and ROSE are embroiled in the
(Uf

mass

L)

2-7-35
10

WHAT
WHAT

A LOT OF LIVIN I
A LOT OF LIVIN'

t_

KIDS
!
!

(An abrupt cut off of music as

MR. MacAFEE and TWO POLICEMEN enter SL.
MR. MacAFEE still
carries HIS l-ant.ern)

There he is !

MR. MacAFEE
The depraved brute ! Arrest that

man !

(Quick music tag as CONRAD drops URSULA.

to HIM, MR . MacAFEE f oIlows )

POLI CE XR

Well now, what, have you got to say, Mr. Birdie

Thank CoC youtve come.

CONRAD

HUGO

(gntering L)
Hi everybody! Good old Hugo again.
(Running to

KIM

who has entered L)

Hugo, darling, you're just in t.ime! I canrt teIl
humiliat,ion I 've .been made to suf f er. . .
That ' s all

HUGO

MR. MacAFEE

I need Lo hear ! Take him

away

you what

(rhe POLICE exit L with CONRAD, f ollowed

by cl-amouring KIDS and , finally, MR.
MacAFEE with HIS lantern)
ALBERT

ing af ter THEM)

...Mr. MacAfee, I demand you release t,hat, boy! Mr. MacAfee!
This is A1bert J. Peterson speaking
*
ROS IE
Albert, Iet me handle this. Look, why don't you go back to the
house and I'11 go down to the courthouse and try talking to the
Mayor...
*
ALBERT
Rose, I don't think you understand ! This is the new Albert . I
told Mama goodbye
(Shout

27

2-7 -3 6
10 2

ir-bert , yeu didn,t

ROS

IE

ALBERT

Ah, but I did! And Rose, the new Albert is going down to the
courthouse and deal with t,he Mayor. And I'd appreciate it if
you ' d meet me at, the train stat ion at s ix- thirt,y tomorrow
morning... when I intend to be there with Conrad. And Rose,
did I ment ion that, I loved you?
(uusi-c in)
Not,

yet, Albert

Well, I do.
...Conrad!
N

ROS

IE

ALBERT

(Bounding away)

''AI\T ENGLISH

TEACHERII REPRISE
ROS

IE

rT'S GOING TO BE SUCH A WONDERFUL LIFEI

I 'M GOING TO BE MISSIS PETERSON,
MISSIS ALBERT PETERSON,
MISSIS PHI BETA KAPPA PETERSON. .
(Bcstat, ical ly)
. . . Oh, Rosie, nothingr can stop you now !
.

MRS.

PETERSON

(Appearing at top of steps L)

Hel1o, Rose.
(trtusic out )

ROS

He11o, Mae.

IE

(Not,hing can faze HER now)

MRS.

PETERSON

So we're alone at IasL. Have you a minut,e to spare for

heart,-to-heart wit,h an old friend?

ROS

IE

I'11 always have time to talk with the

evening I'I1 be able to caII. .
.

Don't say it,

MRS.
Rose

PETERSON

28

woman who

by tomorrow

-7 -37
r_03

ROSIE

(Very c1early, ds SHE puts

I ' 11 be able to call Mother.
MRS.

HER arm

around

MAE)

'

PETERSON

The cruelest, word I ever heard !

(wit h a sigh)
. . . To t,hink I would live to see the day f ' d have relat,ives in
EI Salvador.
ROSIE

Not to mention Guatemala, Braz:-l-, Chile, Uruguay, and Chichi

Costanango ! And as soon as Albert and I are married, I ' rTr going
to stick a rose in my teeth, sit in front of my adobe hut on
Central Park West and sell tortillas
(Shaking HER hand)
. . .Adios, Mama.
!

MRS.

Adios, Rosit,a.
CaII me Mrs. Petersoll

(uns.

ROS

PETERSON

IE

PETERSON

exits.

BLACKOUT

*Original vers j-on song number 36 , " Spanish Roserf has been
delet,ed. Return to original script page 2-8-39, LO5.

29

&

2-B-39

105

ACT

TWO

Scene I

SWEET APPLE RAILROAD STATION.

Early next morning. Train L.

A head pokes in from righL.
zl /

MORNING (Orchest,ra)
ALBERT

There's no one here ! Come on. . .

(ana a FIGURE with a large black woman's coaL,
purse and a veil comes on, ffiusic fades out)
Now look, Albert.

CONRAD

ALBERT

and on platform)
f t took every cent I had to
Shut up and get on that train!
bai l you out , and I don' t want you seen t, i 11 we ' re out of t,hi s
Now get aboard!
state!...
(Shoves HIM to train

CONRAD

wait a minute, buddy boy ! You saved my I j-f e, and whether

you pay me no guarantee or not . . . you got a contract, with me
forever.
Now

ALBERT

Conrad, what are you saying?

CONRAD

(Hands HIM paper)

Here's a blan\ piece of paper I signed my name to, Albert.

just fill in whatever you want.
(Who

from
Hel1o, Albert .
Mamma

MRS.

PETERSON

has come on through this

DR)

ALBERT
!

MRS. PETERSON
(Passes ALBERT, look up at CONRAD)
Rose, you look good for a change . I know all about, you two.
Don't, worry ! I won't, make a fuss . I' 11 do what any
intelligent
Mother has to do. . .

You

2-8-40
1-05
MRS . PETERSON (Continued)
with ALBERT)
...Goodbye, dear. Don't worry about the coat. You'11
three mink stol-es as soon as the train passes over me.
(SHe lies down on the tracks)

(Shakes hands

(Picks

HER up

have

ALBERT

puts HER on train;

I have no time for

goes inside)
get
Mamma,
up and get on that train!
SHE

nonsense. . .

MR. MacAFEE (Offstage)

Peterson!
. r.Just a moment, Mf.
(ena the MacAFEES followed by some KIDS
and ADUTTS hurry on)
I demand to know what you've done with Mr. Birdiel
that j ail !

any

He's not in

ALBERT

How should I know where he is? I

I'm just down here to say goodbye

haven't seen him all night.

to. . . to Rosie !
(Through this CONRAD has taken beer can
out of coat and punched it open. It soars
in the air. ALBERT hurries HIM into train)
MR. MacAFEE

Mr. Pet,erson !

MRS. MacAFEE

, Ehere' s no point getting excited, dear ! Af t,er all,

there's no real harm done. Kim and Hugo are back together
again. As a matter of fact, the sweetest thing happened.
proposed to her this morning, and she accepted him.
Now

MR. MacAFEE
ryUUU\H

MRS.

Dear, what's wrong?

MACAFEE

MR. MacAFEE

(es THEY go)

. . . My life is over now. I' 11 seII the house and go into

home.

(The MacAFEES exit L)

CONDUCTOR

AII aboard!
(tttus

ic in

He

2-8-4r
L07

CONRAD

(Reappearing on train platform with

MRS.

PETERSON)

..Hey, Albert, the train's leaving! Get

(es KIDS spot

Bye, Conrad.
A1bert ! ! !

E7

ALBERT
CONRAD)

MRS.

(screaming)

on!

PETERSON

HAND cAR

TEEN CHORUS GIRLS

WE LOVE YOU, CONRAD
OH YES WE DO!
WE LOVE YOU, CONRAD,

AIID WE'LL BE

TRUE

YOU'RE NOT NEAR US,

WE'RE BLUE !

VruTEN

oH,

coNRAD

WE LOVE YOU!

(Train starts)
..

.Albert, don't leave

CONRAD

me

(ena MRS. PETERSON tries to climb over railing

of observation car as it goes off L. ALBERT
waves after THEM tiII the last scream from
MRS. PETERSON fades in the distance. Then HE
happily rips up the contract CONRAD gave HfM
and 'sits
scatters the pieces in the air as HE Xes R
and
on the luggage cart . ROSIE enters R2 )
ROSIE

, here I am, Albert . Six- thirt,y on the button .

the train?

Well

ALBERT

It lef t at six twenty- f ive . .

Albert,, you told
With Conrad..,

me

ROSIE

to be here at.
ALBERT

..

Where' s

2-8-42

108

At six- thirt,y sharp .

And
..

ROS

ALBERT
Mamma.
ROS

IE

I know because . . ,

IE

Albert, you wanted us to miss that, train

ALBERT

It stands t,o reason, Ros: Why get on a train to New York

we've got ticket,s to Pumpkin Falls, f owa.
ROS

when

IE

What,'s in Pumpkin Falls , Iowa?

ALBERT

An opening in the teaching staf f of Pumpkin Falls ,Junior High

School . I read about it in this morning's paper. They want
someone to teach English and Domestic Science. And I hope
you've brought your documents, Rose, because t,hey prefer the
applicant to be marcied.
ROS

IE

(Uusic in, SHE rushes to HIM, f lings

HER arms about HIS neck)

Oh, Albert ! !
Ros

ie

ALBERT
!

(runY kiss)
. . .Did anybody ever telI you that,'s the most
the world?
(Uusic up, and HE sings)

beautiful

'tRosrE''

WAS NEVER CRAZY FOfrLFf,ffiERS,

CONFESS THAT NOTHING LEFT ME COLDER.
COULD WATCH A DAISY FOR HOURS,
A}TD ALL T'D FEEL WAS SEVERAL HOURS OLDER.
LILACS OR Lf Lf ES, AI\TY BLOOM YOU PLEASE,
ALL THAT THEY DID WAS MAKE ME SHRUG OR SNEEZE.
BUT NOW I LOVE EACH BLOSSOM TI{AT I SEE
FOR A LOVELY LTTTLE ROSE LOVES ME.

I
I

LIFE IS ROSY,
I FOUND MY ROSfE.
WITH A GIRL LIKE ROSIE,
HOW COULD I BE BLUE?
NOW MY

STNCE

name

in

2-B-43
109

ALBERT (Continued)

HAND IN HAND WE'LL MOSEY,

ME AIVD LITTLE ROSTE.
WE WILL BE SO COZY,
BY A FIRE BUILT FOR TWO !

Pushing luggage ca.gt LC and D )

A POEM TUAT GOES,
(Rocking cart back and forth)
A ROSE IS A ROSE, IS A ROSE,
WELL, T DON'T AGREE, TAKE IT FROM ME,
(Rocking t,o and f ro again)
(

OH, T

ONCE HEARD

THERE'S ONE ROSE SWEETER THAN AI\TY THAT

(Pushing cart

AI\TD

I'M

GROWS

DL)

THAT,S MY ROSTE,

SO GLAD SHE CHOSE ME.

(nocking the cart )

LIFE IS ONE SWEET BEAUTIFUL

SONG TO ME !

the cart, in a figure eight

back and forth in 1 and. 2. THEY bot,h sing)
(HB now pushes

ALBERT
NOW MY LIFE IS ROSY,
SINCE I FOUND MY ROSIE.
WITH A GIRL LIKE ROSIE,
HOW COULD I BE BLUE?
ROS

ROSIE

OH, WE'LL BE HAPPY I

KNOW,

OFF TO THE PREACHER WE'LL

SO, HOW COULD

WE

BE BLUE?

IE

(es HE pushes cart R)

OH, WE'LL HAVE US A HOME OUT WEST,
A NTCE LITTLE SPLTT-LEVEL NEST,
AI\TD IN EV'RY ROOM,
ROSES IN BLOOM...
(Taking

ALBERT

HER hand as SHE rises)

BUT THERE'S ONE ROSE SWEETER THAN ALL OF THE REST
(TUBY dance L)
A}ilD TFIAT'S MY ROSIE. . .

I'M

BOTH

SO GLAD YOU CHOSE ME!

(rurn)
LIFE IS ONE SWEET BEAUTIFUL SONG
(Dance

LIFE IS

DRC)

IS RIGHT,

THEN WHAT COULD BE WRONG

ONE SWEET BEAUTIFUL SONG TO ME !

WHEN LOVE

GO!

2-8-44
LL0

(THEY dance DC and Ut and to dead e.

SHE puts HER arm in HIS and THEY start
to walk down CS to curtain line, HER
head on HIS shoulder. THEY turn and
start, walking USC and. . . )
o

FINATE (orchestra)
CI.TRTAIN COMES

Bows &

IN

Exrr MUSrc (orchestra)

STOWLY