TheCharacteristicsofPassive,AggressiveandAssertiveCommunication

Evenifwewanttoactassertively,wemaynotbeabletoifwedonotrecognisethedifferenceinstylesof
communication.Forinstance,aggressivebehaviourissometimesmisidentifiedasbeingassertive.Itis
importantforustobeabletocorrectlyidentifyourownandothersstylesofcommunication.Thereshouldbe
aconsistentmessagesentinyourverbalandnonverbalcommunication;forexampleevenifyourwordsare
assertive(Idonotlikeitwhenyoudothat),yourbodylanguageandothernonverbalcuesmaybepassive
oraggressive(headdown,softvoice;orloudangryvoice,clenchedfists).Ifyouaresendingmixedsignalsin
thiswayitmayunderminetheeffectivenessofyourassertivemessage.Beingawareofthecharacteristicsofthe
differentstyleswillalsohelpyoubetterchoosehowtorespondtoanotherpersonscommunicationwithyou.

Itisimportanttorealisethedifferentstylesofcommunicationhavetheirbenefitsaswellascosts.Evenbeing
assertivecomeswithacostforinstance,peoplemayhavebecomeaccustomedtoyouactinginapassiveway,
andsoarenotwillingorhappytodealwithyoubeingassertiveandmayresistyoureffortstochangeyour
styleofcommunication.

Youcanusethefollowingdescriptorstohelprecogniseyourcurrentstylesofcommunication,andtofindsome
suggestionsfornewwaystotry.

CharacteristicsofPassiveCommunication

Definition:

Notexpressinghonestfeelings,thoughtsandbeliefs.Therefore,allowingotherstoviolateyourrights.
Canalsomeanexpressingthoughtsandfeelingsinanapologetic,selfeffacingwaysothatothers
easilydisregardthem.
Violatingyourownrights.
Alsosometimesshowingasubtlelackofrespectfortheotherpersonsabilitytotakedisappointments,
shouldersomeresponsibility,orhandletheirownproblems.

Verbalcharacteristics:

longramblingsentences
beataroundthebush
hesitant,filledwithpauses
frequentthroatclearing
apologiseinappropriatelyinasoftunsteadyvoice
usingphrasessuchasifitwouldntbetoomuchtrouble
fillinwords,e.g.,maybe,er,um,sortof
voiceoftendullandmonotonous
tonemybesingsongorwhining
oversoftoroverwarm
quietoftendroppingaway
frequentjustifications,e.g.,Iwouldntnormallysayanything
apologies,e.g.,Imterriblysorrytobotheryou..

qualifiers,e.g.,ItsonlymyopinionorImightbewrong
selfdismissal,e.g.,ItsnotimportantorItdoesntreallymatter
selfputdowns,e.g.,Imuseless...hopelessorYouknowme...

Nonverbalcharacteristics:

avertinggaze
lookingdown
posturecanbeslouched
wringinghands
winkingorlaughingwhenexpressinganger
coveringmouthwithhand
crossingarmsforprotection
ghostsmileswhenexpressingangerorbeingcriticised
raisingeyebrowsinanticipation
jawtrembling
lipbiting

Thinkingstyle:

Idontcount
Myfeelings,needsandthoughtsarelessimportantthanyours
Peoplewillthinkbadlyofmeornotlikeme
IfIsaynothenImayupsetsomeone,Iwillberesponsibleforupsettingthem

Payoff:

Praisedforbeingselfless,agoodsport
Rarelyblamedifthingsgowrongbecauseyouhaventusuallyshowninitiative
Otherswillprotectandlookafteryou
Avoid,postponeorhideconflictsoinshorttermcanleadtoreductionofanxiety

Cost:

Sometimespronetobuildupofstressandangerthatcanexplodeinareallyaggressivemanner
Othersoftenmakeunreasonabledemandsofyou
Cangetstuckinrelationshipsthatarenthealthyandfinditverydifficulttochange
Restrictselfintootherpeoplesimageofalovablegoodperson
Whenrepressingangerandfrustrationthisdiminishesothermorepositivefeelingsinyou
Lossofselfesteem

CharacteristicsofAggressiveCommunication

Definition:

Youstandupforyourpersonalrightsandexpressyourthoughts,feelingsandbeliefsinawaythatis
usuallyinappropriateandalwaysviolatestherightsoftheotherperson.
Peopleoftenfeeldevastatedbyanencounterwithanaggressiveperson
Superiorityismaintainedbyputtingothersdown.

Whenthreatenedyouattack.

Verbalcharacteristics:

Strident,sarcasticorcondescendingvoice
Fluent,fewhesitations
Oftenabrupt,clipped
Oftenfast
Emphasisingblamingwords
Firmvoice
Tonesarcastic,cold,harsh
Voicecanbestrident,oftenshouting,risingatend
Useofthreats,e.g.,YoudbetterwatchoutorIfyoudont...
Putdowns,e.g.,Youvegottobekidding...orDontbesostupid
Evaluativecomments,emphasisingconceptssuchas:should,bad,ought
Sexual/racistremarks
Boastfulness,e.g.,Ihaventgotproblemslikeyours
Opinionsexpressedasfact,e.g.,NobodywanttobehavelikethatorThatsauselesswaytodoit
Threateningquestions,e.g.,Haventyoufinishedthatyet?orWhyonearthdidyoudoitlikethat?

Nonverbalcharacteristics:

Intrudingintotheotherpersonsspace
Staringtheotherpersonout
Gesturessuchaspointing,fistclenching
Stridingaroundimpatiently
Leaningforwardorover
Crossingarms(unapproachable)
Smilingmaybecomesneering
Scowlingwhenangry
Jawssetfirm

Thinkingstyle:

Illgetyoubeforeyouhaveachanceofgettingme
Imoutfornumberone
TheworldisabattlegroundandIamouttowin

Payoffs:

Yougetotherstodoyourbidding
Thingstendtogoyourway
Youarelessvulnerable
Youlikethefeelingofbeingincontrol
Releaseoftension
Youfeelpowerful

Price:

Yourbehaviourwillcreateenemiesandresentmentinthosearoundyou
Thiscanresultinasenseofparanoiaandfear

Ifyouarealwaystryingtocontrolothersitcanbedifficultforyoutorelax
Yourrelationshipswilltendtobebasedonnegativeemotionsandarelikelytobeunstable
Aggressivepeopletendtofeelinferiordeepdownandtrytocompensateforthatbyputtingothers
down
Feelingsofguiltandshame
Decreasingselfconfidenceandselfesteem

CharacteristicsofAssertiveCommunication

Definition:

Awayofcommunicatingourfeelings,thoughts,andbeliefsinanopen,honestmannerwithout
violatingtherightsofothers
Itisanalternativetobeingaggressivewhereweabuseotherpeoplesrights,andpassivewherewe
abuseourownrights.

Verbalcharacteristics:

Firm,relaxedvoice
Fluent,fewhesitations
Steadyevenpace
Toneismiddlerange,richandwarm
Sincereandclear
Notoverloudorquiet
Voiceappropriatelyloudforthesituation
Istatements(Ilike,Iwant,Idontlike)thatarebriefandtothepoint
Cooperativephrases,e.g.,Whatareyourthoughtsonthis
Emphaticstatementsofinterest,e.g.,Iwouldliketo
Distinctionbetweenfactandopinion,e.g.,Myexperienceisdifferent
Suggestionswithoutshouldsoroughtse.g.,HowaboutorWouldyouliketo
Constructivecriticismwithoutblame,e.g.,Ifeelirritatedwhenyouinterruptme
Seekingothersopinions,e.g.,Howdoesthisfitinwithyourideas
Willingnesstoexploreothersolutions,e.g.,Howcanwegetaroundthisproblem?

Nonverbalcharacteristics:

Receptivelistening
Directeyecontactwithoutstaring
Erect,balanced,openbodystance
Openhandmovements
Smilingwhenpleased
Frowningwhenangry
Featuressteady
Jawrelaxed

Thinkingstyle:

IwontallowyoutotakeadvantageofmeandIwontattackyouforbeingwhoyouare

Payoffs:

Themoreyoustandupforyourselfandactinamanneryourespect,thehigheryourselfesteem
Yourchancesofgettingwhatyouwantoutoflifeimprovegreatly
Expressingyourselfdirectlyatthetimemeansthatresentmentdoesntbuildup
Ifyouarelessdrivenbytheneedsofselfprotectionandlesspreoccupiedwithselfconsciousnessthen
youcansee,hearandloveothersmoreeasily

Price:

Friends/familymayhavebenefitedfromyoubeingpassiveandmaysabotageyournewassertiveness
Youarereshapingbeliefsandvaluesyouhaveheldsincechildhoodandthiscanbefrightening
Thereisnoguaranteeofoutcome
Thereisoftenpaininvolvedinbeingassertive

Information taken from the

(http://www.cci.health.wa.gov.au)

Centre

For

Clinical

Interventions

series

on

Assertiveness