Breaking Up - kids and Divorce

Minimizing Negative Effects on Your

Children

By D. Ivan Young / Relationship

Expert & Best Selling Author
Contributing Writer

f youre the parent, grandparent, aunt, uncle, or friend of a child thats being

affected by a failed relationship, what you say, and do has lifelong effects on that
child. This article addresses the importance of your contribution in minimizing the
negative effects of breakups and divorce on children. The nature of your relationship

with the child is irrelevant. If he or she is within earshot of you, what you do and what
comes out your mouth may do irreparable psychological harm. Foolish, irresponsible
comments made in the presence of children by friends, family members, neighbors,
teachers, and others needlessly crush their self-esteem. Such thoughtless actions
intensify the suffering, sadness, tribulations, and unhappiness that children experience
while their family is going through a breakup. Theyre never too young or old to be
immune to what you say.If you think physical molestation has cataclysmic effects on
children, it pales in comparison to the effects associated with character assignation of
a childs parent. In 2010, I did more than 150 interviews for print, radio, and elevision
entities. Not once did I have someone engage a dialogue where children didnt ecome
part of the discussion. Honestly, there were times that tears formed in the corners of
my eyes due to the selfish, ignorant thought processes and comments of so-called
family friends, estranged in-laws, and even parents.
With that stated, I want to address the effects of your comments in the presence of
children. To begin with, please consider that they are already in a tormenting stressed
state. Not thinking before you speak fosters unnecessary pain to a child thats already
emotionally wounded. Im going to use my childhood as an example. As a child, I was
teased because my parents were much older than those of my peers. What a majority
of my classmates didnt know is that I was an adopted child. To this day, I remember
how hurt and embarrassed the children made me feel when my parents would come to
pick me up. Mind you, I had a wonderful Mom and Dad who were happily married.
Can you fathom how bad it must be for a child to hear another child talk negatively
about their parent, let alone hear an adult do it? Put yourself in a childs position.
Imagine what it must feel like if the adult making such comments about your mom or
dad is a grandparent, sibling, aunt, uncle, or other relative, friend of the family, or
authority figureor worse, the other parent or his or her new significant other.
In a nutshell, if you dont have anything positive to say, say nothing at all. You cant
unstrike a match.

THINGS MOMS AND DADS NEED TO KNOW

Every year, more than a million children in the United States experience the divorce
or breakup of their parents. Whether youre married or not, the process and trauma
children who are part of this relationship experience from this breakup has typically
begun long before you thought about separating. If youre indecisive about breaking
up or getting a divorce, please take a close look at what the struggle is doing to your
children. To a child, the family unit is one being. Think of it in these terms: If you
severe any body part, doesnt it hurt the rest of the body.Whatever their age, they are
aware that something is wrong. Depending on how long you drag it out, parental
disagreements, anger, fighting, and stress tend to worsen throughout the breakup
process. For the sake of yourself and your children, its very important that
you resolve your situation decisively, with as much damage control as possible with
respect to the children. Procrastination is an ally to no one; hesitation only prolongs
the effects that breaking up and divorce have on children.
Although it is an ugly subject, children and dysfunctional relationships is something
that we must address. Before we begin the process of dismantling this relationship,
lets learn to minimize the damage that it may have on any child. Done right, what
seems to be a curse will transform into a blessing if you do something to minimize the
collateral effects.Children end up in the midst of a fractured relationship in three
ways:
Birthed: You and your ex are the
adopted or biological parents.
Grafted: Stepchildren are involved.
Blended: You have a child and so

does your ex.

In any of these cases, the subject of
our discussion is how the things that affect you affect them. Typically children fit into
one or two categories: Current victims of divorce, or future catalyst for, divorce.
Children born into an unhealthy relationship are truly victims of two immature people
leaping before looking. On the other hand, some kids are the catalyst for the estruction
of a good relationship. What that means is that parenting differences, ex spouses, ex
in-laws, and/or strained finances can damage yours and your childrens security. At
the other extreme, children can manipulate the vulnerabilities of an already strained
relationship.

Triangulation occurs in three ways:

Custodial parent vs. noncustodial
parent
Parents manipulating their significant other via the child
Child manipulating all parties involved to facilitate his or her will
In any case, this happens because of an absence of a mutual child-raising strategy. At
times, triangulation is the result of a parents using a child as a weapon to impede a
healthy relationship from being formed with the nonbiological parent. But typically,
this is the result of either the childs manipulating the custodial parent or one or both
parents using the child as an excuse for hidden agendas. The best way to prevent this,
or to minimize current damage, is to have an in-depth discussion about your parenting
styles, disclose existent behavioral problems (including any developmental, motional,
or psychological conditions that may be contributing to family stress), and be honest
concerning any child-parent issues. Engaging these conversations early can prevent a
breakup, or in your case, put a stop to your remaining in or getting into a doomed
relationship. If you need help contact relationship expert D Ivan Young.