quotes: unknown

A cat that's been dipped in formaldehyde is much different from an undipped cat.
-unknown
A closed mouth gathers no feet.
-unknown
A Conservative is a liberal that's been mugged. A Libertarian is a Conservative that's
been audited.
-unknown
A friend who used to work at a 'research lab' related a story about a customer support line
at 'company x'. The support person said something on the order of "You're not our only
customer, you know," to which the reply was, "Perhaps not, but we're one of the few with
tactical nuclear weapons."
-unknown
A layman knows he has to kick it; An amateur knows where to kick it; A professional
knows how hard.
-unknown
A little nonsense, now and then, is relished by the wisest men.
-unknown
A planet is a nice thing spoiled by a sparse population of Dominoes Delivery Men.
-unknown
A polar bear is a rectangular bear after a coordinate transform.
-unknown
A pre-emptive retaliatory strike: get them back before they get you in the first place.
-unknown
Academic training was instrumental. You have to understand the language of society
before you can start stretching and subverting it and ripping and tearing it and burning it
and watching the plastic drip on the ants.
-unknown
Acid is like a woman -- a good one'll eat right through your pants.
-unknown
Altoids used to clear my sinuses, so I bought a box and ate 15 of them or so, all at once.
Result: the usual pain everywhere but in my sinuses. I take this as a bad sign. I imagine
my sinuses are basically "filled to the Rim with Brim" except it's not Brim; it's like solid
snot.
-unknown
An engineer is a person who passes as an exciting technical expert on the basis of being
able to turn out with prolific fortitude, infinite strings of incomprehensive estimates
calculated with microscopic precision from vague assumptions and debatable figures
taken from inconclusive data obtained with recording devices of problematical accuracy
by uninformed persons of doubtful reliability and questionable mentality.
-unknown
And God said, "Let there be vodka!" And He saw that it was good. Then God said, "Let
there be light!" And then He said, "Whoa - too much light."
-unknown
Anime is better than bunraku because it is much shorter and has a snappy rock
soundtrack
-unknown
Art is anything you can get away with.
-unknown
At the rate we're going, hell may freeze before our next release.
-unknown
Because of a new government ban on chlorofluorocarbons, the US Air Force is to refit all
its nuclear missiles with new cooling systems which don't use CFCs. This is to protect the
environment while they wait to deliver terminal global warming. The Environmental
Protection Agency concedes that it may be 'ironic' to make nuclear missiles more eco-
friendly, but regulations are regulations.
-unknown
Beware the lollipop of mediocrity. Lick it once and you suck forever.
-unknown
Business is like riding a bicycle -- either you keep moving or you fall down.
-unknown
Calm down. It's only ones and zeros.
-unknown
Cats seem to live by the opinion that it never hurts to ask for what you want.
-unknown
Choose your enemies carefully. Sooner or later you begin to look like them.
-unknown
Civilization doesn't give out, it gives in. In a society where anything goes, eventually
everything will.
-unknown
Computers help us do stupid things faster.
-unknown
congratulations! you are the first person to crash my new computer. you have won a
stream of obscenities.
-unknown
Consulting is like dating - you smile a lot, you pretend to enjoy yourself, and wait for
someone to call you back.
-unknown
Cryptic or stupid. You decide.
-unknown
Dallas,TX: Where we shoot Presidents and shoot people who shoot Presidents.
-unknown
Dammit, we just sprayed for goths last week!
-unknown
Due to the aids epedemic it is no longer company policy to suck up or kiss the boss's ass.
-unknown
Eat right, exercise regularly, die anyway
-unknown
effective immediately, my email address will change from [foo@foo.com] to
[bar@bar.net]. This may mean nothing or absolutely nothing to you depending on which
of the people I sent this to are recieveing it. If it does mean something to you, please don't
write to my old email address or bad things may happen to you and you family. For
example, two months ago an egyptian archeologist in egypt mailed my old email address
and was later found to be dead from mosquito bites. His wife and kids lived happily ever
after. Another man in peru mailed my old email address before he went on an expedition
to that incan city I forget it's name. He broke his leg. He came back and mailed my
correct address and three weeks later his leg was mysteriously healed and he discovered a
new incan city just two miles from his home. this is NOT a chain letter, please do not
send it to anyone.
-unknown
Everyone hears what you say. Friends listen to what you say. Best friends listen to what
you don't say.
-unknown
Everything is controlled by a small evil group to which, unfortunately, no one we know
belongs.
-unknown
First, God created Man. Then He rested. Then, God created Woman, and nobody's rested
since.
-unknown
First, there was nothing. Then it exploded.
-unknown
France is a medium-sized foreign country situated in the continent of Europe. It is an
important member of the world community, though not nearly as important as it thinks. It
is bounded by Germany, Spain, Switzerland and some smaller nations of no particular
consequence and with not very good shopping.
-unknown
Give a hungry man a fish and you have fed him for a day, but give him a case of
dynamite and soon the entire village will be showered with mud and water and hard-to-
identify little chunks of fish.
-unknown
He who dies with the most toys, is, nonetheless, still dead.
-unknown
Here in the states we support the right to arm bears. It says so in the Fourth Amendment
of our Constitution.
-unknown
Hmmm. 10 years ago I was hacking MCI, now they're giving me free accounts. I must be
getting old or something.
-unknown
I am an honest businessman. An investor. A farmer. A winemaker. (That's one of mine
you are drinking now, by the way. Do you like it?). A philosopher. And, oh, yes, a very
highly-paid assassin.
-unknown
I believe God gave me a limited number of words to use in my lifetime. When I say all I
have to say, I will then die. Therefore, I will not waste any of my precious words yelling
and arguing with you.
-unknown
I do not 'work'. I have people who pay me to do my hobbies in a timely fashion.
-unknown
I don't hate falling in love so much as knowing that every fall ends in a sudden stop, and
the stop is usually very painful.
-unknown
I don't hate women... I just tend to get confused and stepped on by them... that is why i
said I should join a monastery...I figure they could at least protect me...of course with my
luck, as soon as I joined they would start having mixers with some convent of hot nuns.
-unknown
I don't want life to resemble art. I want life to BE art.
-unknown
I find it hard to sit still in one spot, and impossible to sit still in two spots.
-unknown
I have a very firm grasp on reality! I can reach out and strangle it any time!
-unknown
I have found that it is much easier to fake an orgasm than to pretend to like basketball.
-unknown
I have looked into the abyss, and the abyss looked also back into me. Neither of us liked
what we saw.
-unknown
I haven't lost my mind; it's just backed up on tape somewhere!
-unknown
I know WINDOWS, boy. DOS AND WINDOWS. I can scavenge API calls with the best
of them, and remap your drives to the toaster in your kitchen.
-unknown
I like being intriguing. Most people aren't. And sometimes I THINK people are
intriguing, and then I get to know them and they just turn out to be weird. Oh, well.
-unknown
I see these kids today, in their black satanic t-shirts, and I think "What are you doing??
You didn't grow up in the 80's. I thought we were gonna get NUKED! What's YOUR
excuse?"
-unknown
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
-unknown
I should be reading for my Buddhism class right now, but I figure Buddhism is one of
those subjects that is best contemplated, not studied.
-unknown
I think his religion is Discordian. However, I think that that is a joke.
-unknown
I think, therefore I'm single.
-unknown
If 99% is good enough, then gravity will not work for 14 mins every day.
-unknown
if you have an ax, every problem looks like fun
-unknown
I'm working on putting my best songs in mp3-format so I can use my computer as an
expensive stereo.
-unknown
In a world without fences, who needs Gates?
-unknown
In order to truly understand 'Mankind', it is first necessary to look at the the two words
from which it was formed: 'Mank' and 'ind'.... It's a total mystery.
-unknown
In the Internet Service Provider craze, there is only one thing that is important. One thing
that is more important than family, friends, or the fact that you've just pushed your
mother into a pit with Yog Sohoth, Demon Lord of all that is Unholy. And that one thing
is porn.
-unknown
It is not without reason that I am being unreasonable.
-unknown
It's good to eat. It's good to laugh. But try to both at the same time and you'll pay through
the nose.
-unknown
It's only funny until someone loses an arm or leg. Then it's hilarious.
-unknown
Jeffrey Dahmer: Because a sandwich is a sandwich, but a manwich is a meal.
-unknown
Jesus loves you. Everyone else thinks you're an asshole.
-unknown
Keep your friends close, & your enemies closer.
-unknown
Ken has an automobile which he designd. Unlike most automobiles, it has neither
speedometer, nor gas guage, nor any of the idiot lights which plague the modern driver.
Rather, if the driver makes a mistake, a giant "WTF?" lights up in the center of the
dashboard. "The experienced driver", Ken says, "will usually know what's wrong."
-unknown
Kids in the back seat cause accidents; accidents in the back seat cause kids.
-unknown
Lev. 25:44 states that I may indeed possess slaves, both male and female, provided they
are purchased from neighboring nations. A friend of mine claims that this applies to
Mexicans, but not Canadians. Can you clarify? Why can't I own Canadians?
-unknown, open letter to Dr. Laura Schlessinger
Life is uncertain - eat dessert first
-unknown
life's too short to spend one-seventh of it on monday.
-unknown
Manchester is probably the only city on Earth where a bomb could go off and do billions
of pounds worth of improvement.
-unknown
Money sucks, and people suck, and the world sucks, let's go dye our hair.
-unknown
Moral principles can never be compromised; they can only be abandoned.
-unknown
My nephew wants to be an abstract artist, so I got him a 'paint-by-irrational-number' kit.
-unknown
Nerds tend to have miserable adolescences and they grow up to inherit the earth.
-unknown
No, no, no,. If adults don't like their jobs, they don't go on strike. They just go in every
day and do it really half-assed.
-unknown
Nobody expects miracles unless they're a really bad manager...
-unknown
Now here's today's lesson about mind over matter. If you have the willpower to bring a
large, metal, finely machined assault weapon into existance, think about how many small,
light, green pieces of paper you can make. And all the drugs you can buy with them.
Won't they make you feel _much_ better than a few seconds of random violence?
-unknown
Obviously, you are too young and naive to have realised the utter futility of life. We are
here because our parents had a few moments of meaningless lust that they did not enjoy.
Our parents did not raise us because they love us, for who can love a mewling, puking
infant? They did because they were genetically programmed to. Once we are grown, we
will have our meaningless lusts with someone we do not love, someone who does not
love us, or both. We will probably have children who do not love us either and will leave
home at the earliest opportunity. We'll work in meaningless jobs, and our work will not
affect anybody's lives, except to slightly annoy someone. When we die, only those we
owe money to will mourn our being dead before we returned their money.
-unknown
Only dead fish swim with the stream.
-unknown
Only those who attempt the absurd ... will achieve the impossible
-unknown
Only women get used. Men just perform on cue.
-unknown
Organization and good planning are just crutches for people that can't handle stress and
caffeine.
-unknown
Philosophy is a game with objectives and no rules. Mathematics is a game with rules and
no objectives.
-unknown
Photography is one percent inspiration and 99 percent moving furniture.
-unknown
Programming is like sex - one mistake and you end up supporting it for a lifetime.
-unknown
"Quid pro quo" is Latin for "Sleep with me or clean out your desk."
-unknown
Real love, despite party line counsel to the contrary, is permeated with dependency, as
well it should be. It should therefore come as no surprise that dependency upon the
system and its non-human servitors has replaced dependency upon mates. One falls in
love and cohabitates with his or her computer.
-unknown
Remember: Think globally, act idiotically.
-unknown
Rome was not built in a night.
-unknown
Sex is a natural bodily process, like a stroke.
-unknown
Sex is any activity that has a 40% or better chance of resulting in an orgasm.
-unknown
Some don't prefer the pursuit of happiness to the happiness of pursuit.
-unknown
Some people make mistakes, I initiate disasters
-unknown
Suicide is not a viable alternative. No matter what situation you have been placed in that
is making you unhappy, it can be traced to an individual or group. This person or group
must be destroyed.
-unknown
Support Mental Health. Or I'll kill you.
-unknown
The definition of the Information Age is an explosion in the amount of information it's
safe to ignore.
-unknown
The difference between America and Brittain is that the British think 100 miles is a long
distance and Americans think 100 years is a long time.
-unknown
The difference between the military and the Boy Scouts of America is the Boy Scouts are
allowed to carry knives and they have adult leadership.
-unknown
The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.
-unknown
The F.B.I. is like a kitten. If you give them some milk, they'll come back.
-unknown
The following advisory for American travellers heading for France was compiled from
information provided by the US State Department, the Central Intelligence Agency, the
US Chamber of Commerce, the Food and Drug Administration, the Centres for Disease
Control, and some very expensive spy satellites that the French don't know about.
-unknown
The game is simple. You have to drive from San Antonio to Dallas with a bumper sticker
that reads "I'm gay, and I've come to take your guns". First one to make it wins.
-unknown
The goal of Computer Science is to build something that will last at least until we've
finished building it.
-unknown
The good news about computers is that they do exactly what you tell them to do. The bad
news about computers is that they do exactly what you tell them to do.
-unknown
The Heineken Uncertainty Principle: you can never be sure how many beers you had last
night.
-unknown
The ideal situation is to have real computing power close at hand - right at home.
Something that dims streetlights and shrinks the picture on the neighbors TV when you
crank it up.
-unknown
The only difference between genius and stupidity is that genius has its limits.
-unknown
The people sensible enough to give good advice are usually sensible enough to give none.
-unknown
The philosophy exam was a piece of cake -- which was a bit of a surprise, actually,
because I was expecting some questions on a sheet of paper.
-unknown
The search for the perfect martini is a fraud. The perfect martini is a belt of gin from the
bottle; anything else is the decadent trappings of civilization.
-unknown
The superior pilot uses his superior judgement to avoid situations in which he has to
demonstrate his superior skill.
-unknown
The three main weapons of choice are fear, surprise, and ruthless lawyers.
-unknown
There is no substitute for good manners, except, perhaps, fast reflexes.
-unknown
"They were such NICE young men," said 78 year old Mildred Matthews, walking her dog
nearby. "They would pet my dog, and we'd talk about Art Bell, Deep Space Nine and the
X Files. I think they just got tired of being repressed and kept down by The Man," said
this great-grandmother when interviewed this morning.
-unknown, "Linux Advocates Turn Violent, Go On Rampage"
Things you don't hear on Star Trek: Uhura, I'm scared; Shut 'er down Scotty, she's suckin'
mud!; Dammit Spock! That's the fifteenth nutterbutter you've eaten today!
-unknown
This is great! The routing is working the way it's supposed to for the first time in months!
This is awesome! This is great! This means I can have a transitional phase while I switch
to a new provider!
-unknown
This principle is so perfectly general that no particular application of it is possible.
-unknown
trisexual: men, women, and computers.
-unknown
We don't care. We don't have to. We're engineers.
-unknown
We have tamed lightning, and now use it to make sand think.
-unknown
We're in New York! You can spew anywhere - no one will notice.
-unknown
We've all heard that a million monkeys banging on a million typewriters will eventually
reproduce the entire works of Shakespeare ... Now, thanks to the Internet, we know this
isn't true.
-unknown
When I was in a band, kids would come up to me and be like "You're SO cool!" All I
could think was "Uhm, I'm a DORK. I play Dungeons and Dragons and I LIKE it."
-unknown
When the conscious becomes unconscious, you're drunk. When the unconscious becomes
conscious, you're stoned.
-unknown
When you are having a bad day, and it seems like everybody is trying to tick you off, that
it takes 42 muscles to produce a frown, but only 4 muscles to work the trigger of a good
sniper rifle.
-unknown
why be difficult, when, with a bit of effort, you can be impossible
-unknown
With friends like you, who needs conspiratorial governments?
-unknown
You can classify any behavior using the scheme I call the "Four F's." These are: Feeding,
Fleeing, Fighting, and Reproducing.
-unknown
You can't teach intelligence.
-unknown
You will eventually get to a stage where you realize that all operating systems are gross
ugly hacks.
-unknown
You should emulate your heroes, but don't carry it too far. Especially if they're dead.
-unknown
You sometimes may get the feeling that I don't like you. This is not the case. I just don't
care about you. If you think you disturb me, you're wrong. You just irritate me to no end,
like an incessant gnat that's always around and won't go away. The point is, and if you
think i'm speaking slowly, it's only because i want to be painfully clear on this part so
there's no misunderstanding, you are one of the most pathetic, annoying, self impressed,
petulant, boring, consistently stupid, and absolutely unimpressive and useless people i
have ever met, and if you don't mind, would you please go away and leave me alone.
-unknown
You've gotta understand... this was research code. You need to have a certain level of
disbelief while going through it.
-unknown
The most important question when any new computer architecture is introduced is 'So
what?'
-unknown comp.arch poster
If you're listening to 90.9 FM, this is WETA in Washington. If you're listening to 89.3
FM, this is WETH in Hagerstown. If you're listening to any other station, your radio is
off, and you're hallucinating. Snap out of it!
-unknown DJ
Not much happened this weekend; we bombed the hell out of Iraq again ... and we've got
some free pizza to give away, so keep listening!
-unknown DJ
Thailand:... A place where there are a lot of prostitutes.
-unknown English dictionary
I am not sure what this is, but an 'F' would only dignify it.
-unknown English Professor
Diplomatic immunity is like virginity. Either you have it, or you don't.
-unknown French diplomat
I am returning this otherwise good typing paper to you because someone has printed
gibberish all over it and put your name at the top.
-unknown Ohio University English Professor
Suppose it's Monday and the ironworkers have been out drinking all weekend and the
building is sort of leaning this way... you have to account for these small imperfections
with your structural system.
-unknown Materials & Assembly professor
The number one reason people tell us they go online is that they want to have e-mail --
which means a good chunk of those 1.2 million people have e-mail addresses
-unknown phone company marketing spokesman
The U.S. Constitution: void where prohibited by law.
-unknown poster on alt.cyberpunk
Misspelled? Impossible. My modem is error correcting.
-unknown poster on alt.sex.fetish.fashion
I don't deal with stress; I kill people.
-unknown ROTC member during the "Stress" T-shirt sale
God himself could not sink this ship.
-unknown Titanic Deck Hand
Hello, Bitter party, your table is ready. Bitter, party of one.
-unknown TV sitcom
One of the students actually sent me an email that said it point blank. He said, "The book
sucks." I was like, what the hell? So I emailed back, "Well so does your girlfriend but
you still take her out, don't you?"
-unknown University of Maryland professor
It was like being on acid and walking into Disneyland.
-unknown www first-timer