Bardic X

BEING THE ALPHABETICAL INDEX TO THE BAWDY AND OTHERWISE AWFUL,
IRREVERENT AND IRRESPONSIBLE SONGS OF THE BLACK BOOK OF LOCKSLEY
Abdul el Bulbul, Emir................................Pg

Against All Flags....................................Pg
Always Look On The Bright Side Of Life...............Pg
Ancient and Old Irish Condom, The....................Pg
Ball of Ballyknure, The..............................Pg

Ballad Of Stark Unbelief, The........................Pg
Bantam Cock, The.....................................Pg
Barnacle Bill The Sailor.............................Pg
Bastard King of England, The.........................Pg
B-I-M-B-O............................................Pg
Christianity Hits The Spot...........................Pg

Coeur de Boef Challenge Song.........................Pg
Columbo..............................................Pg
Countess' Garter, The................................Pg
Farting Contest, The.................................Pg

Fight For Liberation.................................Pg
Four Drunken Maidens.................................Pg
Friggin' Falcon, The.................................Pg
God Rest Ye Unitarians...............................Pg

God's Great Gifts....................................Pg
Goodbye To All That..................................Pg
Has Anybody Seen My Lord?............................Pg
I Am An Anglican.....................................Pg
I'll Go No More A-Rovin'.............................Pg
In Days Of Old.......................................Pg
It Takes A Nasty Man.................................Pg
Jenny Be Fair........................................Pg
Jesus Loves the Little Pop Cans......................Pg
Jesus Puts His Money In The 1st Natl. Bank...........Pg
Jimmy Swaggert Song, The.............................Pg
Kingdom That Swallowed A Lie, The....................Pg
London Derrierre.....................................Pg
Mermaid, The.........................................Pg
Modest Wench, The....................................Pg
Molly Malone.........................................Pg
Moose Song, The......................................Pg
My God How The Money Rolls In (see: Sexual Life Of The Camel)
Old Drubbed Ding.....................................Pg

One-Ball Riley.......................................Pg
Our Baby Died Last Night.............................Pg
Plastic Jesus........................................Pg
Plymouth Maid, The (see: I'll Go No More A-Rovin')
Pope, The............................................Pg
Puff, The Jewish Dragon..............................Pg
#2
Puff, The Tragic Faggot..............................Pg
Ramblin' Hunchback, or the Ballad of Richard III.....Pg

Red Flag, The........................................Pg
Riddle, The..........................................Pg
Roll Your Leg Over...................................Pg
SCA Be Damned, The...................................Pg

Sea Crabb, The.......................................Pg
Seven Nights Drunk...................................Pg
Sexual Life Of The Camel, The........................Pg
Shape Of Things, The.................................Pg
Sheik of House Locksley..............................Pg
Sleeping Scotsman, The...............................Pg
Spanish Inquisition, The.............................Pg
Sperm Song, The......................................Pg
Squires' Song, The...................................Pg
Tail Toddle..........................................Pg
Torquemada's Band (see: Spanish Inquisition, The)
Trelon, Trelon!......................................Pg
Trimarian Sheep Song.................................Pg
Vatican Caskets......................................Pg
Virgin Sturgeon, The.................................Pg
Wager, The...........................................Pg
Wake up, Little Floozie!.............................Pg
Waltz Me Around Again, Hrothgar......................Pg
Westminister Whore, The..............................Pg
What's It All About?.................................Pg
*****************
#3
BEING THE BAWDY, IRREVERENT AND GENERALLY OBNOXIOUS SONGS FROM THE BLACK
BOOK OF LOCKSLEY, ARRANGED IN ALPHABETICAL ORDER FOR EASE OF FINDING THE
DAMN THINGS TO ANNOY HATS, FUBBA-WUBBAS, AND OVERSTUFFED PERSONS IN GENERAL
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ABDUL EL BULBUL, EMIR!

-Anonymous
In the harems of Egypt it's good to behold

The fairest of harlots appear,
But the fairest, a Greek
Was owned by a sheik
Named Abdul el Bulbul Emir!
A traveling brothel came into the town

Run by a pimp from afar
Whose great reputation
Had traveled the nation:
'Twas Ivan Skidavitsky Skavar!
Abdul the Bulbul arrived with his bride

A prize whose eyes shone like a star
He claimed he could prong
More cunts with his dong
Than Ivan Skidavitsky Skavar!
A day was arranged for the spectacle great;

A visit was planned by the Czar!
And the curbs were all lined
With harlots reclined
In honour of Ivan Skavar!
They met on the track with their tools hanging slack

Dressed only in shoes and a leer,
Both were fast on the rise
but folks gasped at the size
Of Abdul el Bulbul Emir!
The cunts were all shorn, and no rubbers adorned

The prongs of the pimp and the peer,
But the pimp's steady stroke
Soon left without hope
The chance of the Bulbul Emir!
They worked thru the night til the dawn's early light
The clamor was heard from afar
The multitudes came
To applaud the ball game
Of Abdul and Ivan Skavar!
When Ivan had finished, he turned to the Greek,

And laughed when she shivered in fear
She swallowed his pride,
He buggered the bride
Of Abdul el Bulbul, Emir!
(more)
#4
Abdul El Bulbul Emir (cont.)
When Ivan was done, and was wiping his gun,

He bent down to polish his gear;
He felt, up his ass,
A hard pecker pass;
'Twas Abdul el Bulbul, Emir!
The crowd loudly howled that it was a foul,

They were ordered to part, by the Czar,
But fast they were jammed;
The pecker was crammed
In Ivan Skidavitsky Skavar!
Now, the cream of the joke, when apart they were broke,
Was laughed at for years by the Czar:
For Abdul the Bulbul
Left most of his tool
In Ivan Skidavitsky Skavar!
The fair Grecian maiden a sad vigil keeps

With a husband whose tastes have turned queer...
She longs for the dong
That once did belong
To Abdul el Bulbul, Emir!
AGAINST ALL FLAGS

(Tune: "Girl I Left Behind Me")
Oh, the SCA is the kind of play

That spodes all get their kicks on
And Pennsic War is the kind of bore
That the peoples can get sicks on!
And I'd like to sod the Goddam BoD
With a dildo made of brass on,
And your Kingdom Flag is the kind of rag
That a Mongol wipes his ass on!
Oh the Chivalry are very "twee,"

And the Laurels don't do nothin'.
And the Pelican fags are all on the rag;
In an uproar about somethin'.
For the King and Queen are seldom seen,
With their Goddam cute brass hats on,
And your Kingdom Flag is the kind of a rag
That a Mongol wipes his ass on!
Oh the Great Dark Horde doesn't have a sword

That's worth a wooden firkin
And the Moritu don't know what to do
But sit and jerk their gherkin!
And the Tuchux upchuck woodchuck guts
At the Royal's brass-ass hats on,
And the Mongol flag is the kind of a rag
That the Kingdom wipes it's ass on!
*
#5
*
ALWAYS LOOK ON THE BRIGHT SIDE OF LIFE!

(from "The Life Of Brian" (Monty Python)
Cheer up, Brian. You know what they say.

Some things in life are bad
They can really make you mad
Other things just make you swear and curse
When you're chewing on life's gristle
Don't grumble, give a whistle
And this'll help things turn out for the best...
And......always look on the bright side of life
(whistle)
Always look on the bright side of life...
(whistle)
If life seems jolly rotten

There's something you've forgotten
And that's to laugh and smile and dance and sing,
When you're feeling in the dumps,
Don't be silly chumps
Just purse your lips and whistle--that's the thing.
And...always look on the bright side of life...

(whistle)
Always look on the right side of life...
(whistle)
For life is quite absurd

And death's the final word
You must always face the curtain with a bow
Forget about your sin--give the audiences a grin
Enjoy it--it's your last chance anyhow.
So always look on the bright side of death
Just before you draw your terminal breath
Life's a piece of shit

When you look at it
Life's a laugh and death's a joke, it's true,
You'll see it's all a show,
Keep 'em laughing as you go
Just remember that the last laugh is on you.
And always look on the bright side of life...

(whistle)
Always look on the right side of life
(whistle)
*
#6
*
THE ANCIENT AND OLD IRISH CONDOM

-Anonymous
(Tune: "Rosin the Beau")
(Recorded: "Celtic Pride: In Strange Form")
I was up to me arse in the muck, Sir,

with a peat contract down in the bog
When me shovel it struck something hard, Sir,
that I thought was a rock or a log
T'was a box of the finest old oak, Sir,

T'was a foot long, and four inches wide
and not giving a damn for the Fairies
I just took a quick look inside
Now I opened the lid of this box, Sir,

and I swear that my story is true
T'was an ancient and old Irish condom
A relic of Brian Boru
T'was an ancient and old Irish condom

T'was a foot long, and made of elk hide,
With a little gold tag on it's end, Sir,
with his name, rank, and stud fee inscribed
Now, I cast me mind back thru the ages

To the days of that horny old Celt
With his wife lyin' by on the bed, Sir,
As he stood by the fire in his pelt
And I thought that I heard Brian whisper

As he stood in the fire's rosy light
"Well, you've had yer own way long enough, dear...
'Tis the hairy side outside, tonight."
*
#7
*
THE BALLAD OF STARK UNBELIEF

-Ioseph of Locksley
-tune: variant on "I wish I was a busy bee"
or "There are no Fighter Pilots"
(Chorus): Oh------
Put it on the ground
Spread it all around
Dig it with a hoe
It'll make your flowers grow!
Now, peerages are given for a reason

And that reason is simply understood:
For Chivalry, and Honesty, and Bravery
And being very, very, very Good!
Awards are given out to the deserving,

And no one EVER bitches, out of spite!
We forget the little slights and innuendos
And we really DO believe that Right makes Might!
"Nepotisim" is a word we've never heard of,

"Politics" is just a friendly little game!
We have counted every shot that we've been given,
And Camelot is where we always aim!
Oh the King is up there, sitting in the Throne Room,

And the Pelicans are sitting on the grass,
The Knights are getting drunk and falling down (a lot),
And the Laurels are all sitting on their...laurels!
The BoD is doing something I'm not sure of,

The Registry has lost your membership,
The Marshallate can't find it's head with both hands and a road-map,
And the Heralds are all full of chicken-ship!
*
#8
THE BALL OF BALLYKNURE (AKA: THE GATHERING OF THE CLANS)
-Traditional Scots from the 1880's
SCA verses by Ioseph of Locksley & many others
NO responsibility for misuse is assumed!
Oh the Ball, the Ball of Ballyknure

Where your wife, and my wife, were doin' it on the floor!
(chorus) Wha' do ya, lassie?

and wha' do y'noo?
I'm the man what did y'last, lass,
I canna do y'noo!
The Queen was in the parlour, eatin bread and honey

The King was in the chambermaid, and she was in the money!
The village idiot he was there, a-sittin' by the fire

Attempting masturbation with an india-rubber tyre!
Oh, the village postman he was there, but he had the Pox
He couldna' do the ladies so he did the letter-box!
The Queen of England she was there, backed against the wall
"Put yer money on the table, boys, I'm going ta do you all!"
The Count and Countess, they were there, a-doin' on the stair
The bannister broke, and down they fell, they finished in mid-air!
There was music in the garden, there was music in the sticks
You couldna' hear the music for the swishin' o' the pricks!
They were doin' it on the landing, they were doin' it on the stairs
You couldna' see the carpet for the wealth of pubic hairs!
The Kingdom Herald, he was there, whattya think o'that?

Blazoning positions wi' a Duchess and a cat!
The fubba-wubbas they were there, sittin' all alone

Complainin of the doin's with loud and piercing moans!
Mr. Jameison he was there, the one that fought the Boers
He jumped up on the table and he shouted for the hoors!
The Board of Directors they were there, and they were shocked to see
Four-and-twenty maidenheads a-hangin' from a tree!
John the Blacksmith he was there, he wouldna play the game

He did a lassie seven times, but wouldna see her hame!
The village Constable he was there, now whattya think o'that?

Amusin' himself by abusin' himself, and catchin' it in his hat...
It started out so simple-like: each lad and lassie mated

But pretty soon the doin's got so bloody complicated!
Four and twenty virgins came down from Cuinimore

Only two got back again, and they were double-bore!
* more *
#9
Ball of Ballyknure (cont.)
Clan MacChluarain, they were there, sleepin in the shade

For no one could decide if they were Man, or Sheep, or Maid!
The village pervert he was there, scratchin' at his crotch

But no one minded him at all, he was only there to watch!
The Kingdom Seneshal was there, linin' 'em up in rows

He didna use his pecker, lads, he did 'em with his toes!
The village cripple he was there, but he didna shag too much
His old John Thomas had fallen off, so he did 'em with his crutch!
The old schoolteacher he was there, he diddled by rule-of-thumb

workin' logarithmicly the times that he would come!
The village chimney-sweep was there, a really filthy brute

For every time he farted, he covered 'em all with soot!
The local Cavaliers were there, in elegance they sat

A-doin' Things Unusual with the feathers in their hat!
The Rapier-fighters they were there, doin' what they could

A-thrustin' and a-parryin' with Real Steel, not with wood!
The local Hordesmen they were there, busier than bees

the ladies wouldna have 'em, so they diddled dogs and trees!
The village carpenter he was there, with his prick of wood

He made it when he lost his own, and it worked just as good!
The shenai-fighters they were there, all wrapped up in smiles

A-doin' everyone they could in Oriental style!
The College of Heralds they were there, in the other room

Arguin' about who would do what, with which, to whom!
The rattan-jocks were out in force and they were such a sight
They didna do the ladies 'cause they'd heard there was a fight!
The old fishmonger he was there, a dirty stinkin sod

He never got a rise that night, so he diddled 'em with a cod!
The Kingdom Laurels they were there, and quite a sight to see
A-doin' everyone they could, and most artisticly!
The Kingdom Pelicans were there, doin' it with a sob

They diddled out of duty; it was just another job!
Four and twenty virgins went down to Inverness

And when the Ball was over, there were four and twenty less!
There was doin's on the porches, and doin's on the stones

You couldna' hear the music for the loud and joyful moans!
(insert name) he was there, covered up with smiles

Doin' thirty-two at once, and in amazing style!
* more *
#10
Ball of Ballyknure (cont.)
All the Kingdom spodes were there, but they just sat and sulked
For this was the occasion that no one told them "Get fulked!"
Clan MacChluarain they were there, chasin' round the Keep

And every single man of them buggerin' a sheep!
(insert name) had a gerbil, he diddled it very well

He didn't wrap it in duct tape: he blew it all to hell!
(insert name) he was there, with his favourite toys:

A dozen beautiful women, and a dozen beautiful boys!
(insert name) he was there; he wasn't very nice

He didna do the ladies, he did gerbils, rats and mice!
(insert name) she was there, covered all in sweat,

Takin' on all comers, and she hasn't finished yet!
(insert name) she was there, covered all in sweat,

The Dark Horde carried her away, and we ain't found her yet!
The Locksley Monsters they were there, lookin' for some nookie
But they got distracted by a chocolate chippie cookie!
(insert name) he was there, a crafty friend of Ghengis,

He speaks a lot of languages; he is a cunning linguist!
The village Masochist, he was there, beggin' for some blows

The Sadist merely looked at him, and softly answered "No!"
Yang the Nauseating was sittin' out in back

The ladies did na' want him for he smelled too much of yak!
The village druggist he was there, grinnin' like a fox

He'd sold out of condoms, so he sold 'em dirty socks!
Buell the Kind was also there, that beggar meek and mild,
He didna' do the ladies, he had brought his favourite child!
(insert name) he was there at the revel feast

He doesn't like the girls, and the boys call him "The Beast!"
And in the morning, early, the Farmer nearly shat

For four and twenty acres was nearly fuckit flat!
It was a grand old party, lads, and sure a Locksley Plot

And every lad and lassie there was glad of what they got!
And when the Ball was over, everyone confessed

The music it was wonderful, but the "doin's" were the best!
***************************************************************
#11
***************************************************************
Follows are extra verses, and XXX-rated verses, to "The Ball of
Ballyknure":
(Alternate CHORUS): Singin' balls to your partner

Arse agin' th' wall!
If y'canna' get laid on Saturday nicht
You canna' get laid at all!
The Minister's wife, she was there, buckled tae th' front
Wi' a wreath of roses round her arse, and thistles round her cunt!
The Minister's dochter, she was there, an' she gat roarin' fu'
Sae they doubled her ower the midden wa' and did her like a coo!
The undertaker he was there, in a long black shroud

Swinging from the chandelier, and pissing on the crowd!
(insert name) was there, as well, she kept us all in fits

Jumping off the mantlepiece, and bouncing on her tits!
The village cooper he was there; he had a mighty tool!

He pulled his foreskin over his head, and yodeled thru the hole!
The local vicar, he was there, his collar back to front

He said, "My girls, thy sins are blessed!" and shoved it up their
cunts!
The local surgeon, he was there, with his knife in hand,

And every time he turned around, he circumsized a man!
The village idiot he was there, up to his favorite trick:

Bouncin' on his testicles and whistlin' thru his prick!
The village fireman was there, quenchin' lassie's fires

He diddled 'em in the firetruck, right beside the tires!
(insert name) was also there, standing back-to-front,

With thirteen inches of candlestick inserted in her cunt!
The village nympho, she was there, wi' a happy grin

Every hole was stuffit fu', and she was fu' o' quim!
The village glazier he was there, with his prick of glass

He diddled 'em in their cunnys, and also in the ass!
One female musician was some sight to watch

With "Dowland" from her lute, and "Palestrina" from her crotch!
There was doin's in the bedrooms, there was doin's in the tub
'Till every single pecker there was worn down to a nub!
The bride was in the bedroom, explainin' to the groom:

The vagina, not the rectum, is the entrance to the womb!
The King was in the counting house, counting out his wealth;
The Queen was in the parlor, playin' with herself!
* more *
#12
Extra and XXX-rated verses to "The Ball of Ballyknure" (cont.)
(insert name) he was there, his balls was made of brass

And when he blew a fart, m'lads, sparks flew out his ass!
The tailor was a busy man; his work went to his head
Sewing up the stretched-out cunts with miles and miles of thread!
The Elder Statesmen all were there; they were too old to firk,
So they sat around the table and they had a circle-jerk!
(insert name) was excited and racin' round the hall

A-pullin' on his pecker and showin' off his balls!
The Parson's wife, she was there; she was the worst of all:
She pulled her skirts above her head and shouted: "Fuck it all!"
(insert name) he was there; he played a wily game:

He did his lassie fourteen times before he finally came!
(name) and (name) they were there, and they were quite a pair,
Each did a lassie seven times, and never touched the hair!
(insert name) he was there, up to his old trick:

Dancin' naked 'round the room, pirouettin' on his prick!
(insert name) he was there, but he wouldna' dance,

Just sat there with his ten-inch rise, a-waitin' for his chance!
(insert name) he was there; he was the perfect fool:

He sat beneath the old oak tree, and whittled off his tool!
(insert name) he was there, up from Dungaree

With a yard-and-a-half of Glory, that hung below his knee!
The Queen, she had a chicken, the King he had a duck,

So they put them on the table to see if they would fight!
The cows were wearin' bridles, the horses wearin' bits

The Queen she wore two harness-rings thru the nipples of her tits!
(insert name) he was there, grinnin' at the Queen

He'd built himself a dildo, and powered it by steam!
(insert name) he was there, that rowdy rantin' bloke

Masturbatin' all by himself with a backhand double stroke!
The Royal Fool was also there, sittin' in the hall,

Tryin' to do a mongoose with an india-rubber ball!
(insert name) he was there, that egocentric elf,

The ladies were na' guid enough, so he went and fucked himself!
(insert name) she was there, and she was very strange:
You stick a dollar in her cunt, she'd spit back 10 cents change!
(insert name) he was there, but he was fast asleep

The ladies wouldna have him, and we'd run clean out of sheep!
* more *
#13
Extra and XXX-rated verses to "Ball of Ballyknure" (cont.):
(Alternate CHORUS): Singin' who hae ye, lassie?

Who hae ye noo?
The ane that had ye last time
He canna hae ye noo!
(insert name) he was there, big and strong and mean,

Out behind the bushes, boys, picking his next Queen!
They tried it on the garden path, and once around the park,
And when the candles snotted out, they diddled in the dark!
First they did it simple, then they tried it he's and she's,
But before the ball was over, they went at it fives and threes!
The groom was in the corner, oiling up his tool,

The bride was in the icebox, her private parts to cool!
(insert name) (s)he was there, backed against the wall,

(s)he didn't want the doin's, just a lot of alcohol!
First lady over, second lady front,

Third lady's finger up the fourth lady's cunt!
Fifth lady worn and dry, sixth lady passed,

Seventh lady's finger up the eighth lady's ass!
Ninth lady forward, tenth lady back,

Eleventh lady's finger in the twelfth lady's crack!
(insert name) he was there, givin' happy sighs!

His rise had used up so much skin he couldna close his eyes!
A strapping Scotsman he was there, known to all as "Ronald"

His rise it weighed a quarter-pound...he must be a MacDonald!
Bunny Foo-foo he was there, hoppin' thru the wood,

Doin' the Good Fairy like a horny rabbit should!
Big Goon Foo-Foo, he was there, stomping thru the weeds

Buggering the Good Fairy ( his attitudes have NEEDS! )
Monty Python, they were there, with their ferocious MOOSE,

"The bloody parrot's bloomin' DEAD; 'e canna reproduce!"
(insert name), that randy wench, she was also there,

And thirty men were suckit dry before she stopped for air!
(name) and (name) they were there, havin' themselves a ball,

She hiccuped as he took her, and she swallowed him, shoes and all!
The Kingdom Marshal, he was there, full of botheration,

For nobody signed a waiver for the evening's fornication!
(insert name) she was there, and she was lookin' pert,
With six or seven Cavaliers underneath her skirt!
* more *
#14
(insert name) was also there, with his feather-bed,

And on the bedposts he had marked his score of maidenheads!
Santa Claus was also there, and very drunk, I fear,

You'd be drunk there with him if you came just once a year!
(insert name) he was there, and he was smooth and slick,

Tallyin' up his score that night by notches on his prick!
The village dwarf was also there, that randy little runt,
He'd dive upon a lassie, headfirst in her cunt!
(insert name) she was there, the fattest of the lot,

So they rolled her up in flour, and looked for the wettest spot!
(insert name) (s)he was there, hid behind a mask,

God knows what (s)he was doin', lads, we didna stop to ask!
(insert name) was also there, (s)he was a sight to see,

They bent him (her) o'er the table, and the rest was Greek to me!
James the First and Sixth was there, a sight you should have seen,
He was the King of England but preferred to be the Queen!
(insert name) he was there, but he was runnin' late,

Askin' round from man to man just how to copulate!
(insert name) was also there, but he was fast asleep,

Cuddled up, with a happy grin, beside his rubber sheep!
The (insert name) all were there, that's what I presume,

They buggered themselves into a chain, and danced around the room!
(insert name) she was there, and she was wondrous wise,
With "USDA Grade A Choice", tattooed on her thighs!
(insert name) he was there, sittin' on a stump,

Masturbation was his choice; he didn't know how to hump!
(insert name) was also there, doin' his famous stunt:

Braidin' all the pubic hair on every single cunt!
Anne Bolyn was also there, even tho she's dead,

She's terrific on her back, me boys, but better giving head!
Cyrano de Bergerac, dressed in fancy clothes,

He wouldna use his pecker, lads, he did 'em with his nose!
Pinocchio was also there, and quite a sight to see,

The ladies sat upon his face and shouted "Lie to me!"
Cyrano de Bergerac diddled, with a poem,

And ended his refrain with the words: "Thrust home!"
(Insert name) was also there, and he was lookin' cute,

He didna use his pecker, lads, he did 'em with his lute!
* more *
#15
(Alternate CHORUS:) Singin' balls to your partner,

Arse against the wall!
If you can't get laid at Pennsic (Estrella)
Then you can't get laid at all!
Good King (insert name) he was there, looking very regal;

He wrapped his pecker in duct-tape to make it combat-legal!
(insert name) she was there, lookin' woebegone,

'Cause when you spread her legs, me boys, a little light comes on!
(insert name) (s)he was there, havin' quite a ball!

Shoutin' out "When I am (King/Queen), I'm gonna screw you all!"
All the (insert name) they were there, scratchin' at their jocks,
Doin' things like parakeets, and unsuspecting rocks!
(insert name) was sitting there, filled up with remorse,

He'd got a little drunk that night, and did his lady's horse!
(insert name) was also there, with his brand-new bride,

But when he opened up her legs, his pet canary died!
(insert name) he was there, he canna see at all,

so he satisfied his urgin's at a knothole in the wall!
(insert name) he was there, his brain is in his cock,

He dragged his lady off by the heels, and filled her up with rocks!
(insert name) he was there, feelin' full of oats:

He diddled his lady from Land's End all the way to John O'Groats!
Elanor of Aquitane was dancin' round the room,

She didn't like the Lily, so she took up with the Broom!
Elanor of Aquitane was very, very nice....

She didn't like French Culture, so she tried the English Vice!
Everybody heard about the Ball of Ballyknure,

With four-and-twenty Countesses, a-fuckin' on the floor!
The King of (insert name), worked up a head of steam,

And all the Duchesses in sight yelled out "God save the Queen!"
Good old (insert name) he was there, takin' up the slack,

Separatin' the men from boys with a chromium bumper jack!
(insert name) was also there, and he is Very Pure;

We think he has a pecker, lads, though no one's very sure!
(insert name) was also there, and she was very shocked,
When she heard a shepherd boy yell "Lady, go get flocked!"
All the lads and lasses there were mated, ones-and-twos,

Except for good old (insert name) who came inside his shoes!
* more *
#16
Extra and XXX-Rated verses to "The Ball of Ballyknure" (cont.)
There was doin's in the hallway, doin's on the stairs,

It was the biggest doin' there had been for years and years!
There was doin's in the roses, in the grass and in the rocks,
When (insert name) caught his -sporran- in some giant hollyhocks!
It looked sae funny hangin' there, that everybody jeered,

They'd never seen a hollyhock that ever wore a beard......!
Guid old Jock McNorris took his partner by the arm,

And grinned, and said "Another "do" won't do us any harm!"
They were doin' it in the garden, they were doin' it all around,
There were folks a-doin' on every inch of ground!
(insert name) he was there, sittin' on his tush,

He never made it to the point, just "beat around the bush...!"
William of the Shire was there, he wasna' in the race,

He wouldna' use his pecker, so he did 'em with his mace....!
There were lassies with the syphllis, and lassies wi' the piles,
And lassies wi' their hinder parts all wreathed up in smiles!
The village magician he was there, doin' his vanishin' trick:

He pulled his foreskin over his head, and vanished in his prick!
There were doin's in the gravel, there were doin's in the stones
You couldna' hear the music for the wheezin' and the groans!
There was doin's on the sofa, there was doin's in the chair,
And when they found the trampoline, there was doin's in the air!
Soon all the Duchesses began to sing this song

And it was twice as dirty, and fourteen times as long!
The Sheriff of the Shire in the corner he did stand,

Giving his Staff of Office a polishin' with his hand.
The village blacksmith he was there, but he was not for hire:
He was making giant rubbers out of a tractor tire!
The village baker he was there, and looking pretty mean;

A-shouting that the girls were tarts, and pumping them full of cream!
The village blacksmith he was there, his balls were made of brass,
And every time he laid a girl the sparks flew out his ass!
The village hooker she was there, a-lying on the floor,

And every time she ope'd her legs, the suction closed the door!
Little Johnny he was there, but he was only eight;

He couldn't go join in the fun, he had to masturbate!
The blacksmith's wife she was there, a-sitting by the fire,

Performin' abortions by the hour with a piece of red hot wire!
* more *
#17
Extra and XXX-rated Verses to "The Ball of Ballyknure" (cont.)
(Insert name), she was there, that wicked little slut!

Performin' things unspeakable wi' a North Sea halibut!
(Insert name) was also there, a-playin' fast and loose;

Rompin' 'round the barley fields with Marvin de la Moose!
(Insert name), she was there, a lady quite perverse;

She'd worn out all the peckers so she went from bed to wurst!
(Insert name), she was there, and she is past eighteen;

She is a rapier fighter, so she diddled Florentine!
(Insert name) he was there, all filled up with lust,

He'd had so many lassies that his pecker just shot dust!
The Musketeers were also there, and they were fast and quick,
You should have seen their doin's with their muzzle-loading prick!
(Insert name), he was there, but he had run amuck

He diddled geese and chickens and a passing Mallard duck!
(Insert name) he was there, with his sharp Chibouk,

While nobody was watchin' him, he diddled him a Duke!
(Insert name) he was there, and he is most discreet

Underneath the bedsheets wi' his favorite parakeet....!
A Corsair captain he was there, he shouted out "Ahoy!"

We'd run clean out of lassies so he did his cabin-boy!
Stick your hand beneath my kilt; I'm a gruesome troubador!

And if you stick it there again, you'll see it grew some more!
All the Peers were also there, and they refused to work,
So they sat around in Circles, and they had a Circle-jerk!
"What the hell's a 'sporran'?" the lassie loudly begged;

She was answered: "It's the hairy thing between a Scotsman's legs!"
(Insert Irish name) he was there, doin' dogs and such,

You can always tell an Irishman, but y'canna tell him much!
(Insert name) was also there, he is an awful churl

He poked a hole into the ground, and diddled the whole world!
(Insert name) was at the Ball, he's really quite bizarre,

We locked him in the closet while he diddled his guitar!
The village policeman he was there, the pride of all the force
They found him in the stable, whacking off his horse!
There were doin's in the parlor, there was doin's in the grass
and all that you could see were waves of undulating ass!
(Insert name) he was there, and he was long and high,

But when he did her forty times, he was doin' mighty dry!
* more *
#18
Extra and XXX-Rated Verses to "The Ball of Ballyknure" (Cont.)
(Insert name) he was there, his prick was long and broad
But when he did the Duchess, well, she had to be re-bored!
(Insert name) had an even stroke, his skill was much admired
He diddled one cunt at a time until his skill expired....!
The village builder he was there, he brought his bag of tricks

He poured cement in all the cunts and blunted all the pricks!
(Insert name) he was there, the leader of the choir,

He hit the balls of all the boys to make their voices higher
Another idiot, he was there, leanin' on the gate

He couldn'a find a cunny, so he had to flatulate!
The village doctor he was there, he had his bag of tricks

And in between the dances he was sterilizing pricks!
(Insert name) he was there, a-lookin' for a fuck

But all the cunts were occupied, and he was out of luck!
The Vicar and his lovely wife were havin' lots of fun:
The Vicar had his finger up another lady's bum!
There was fuckin' on the couches, and doin's in the punts

And linin' up against the wall were rows of grinnin' cunts!
(Insert name) he played a dirty trick, we canna let it pass

He showed his lass his mighty prick, and shoved it up her ass!
The village plumber he was there, he felt an awful fool;

He'd come eleven leagues or more and forgot to bring his tool!
The smithy's brother he was there, a mighty man is he;

He lined them up against the wall, and shagged 'em three by three!
There was doin's on the highway, there was doin's in the lanes,
You couldn'a here the music for the rattlin' of the stanes!
There was doin's on the couches, there was doin's on the cots,
And linin' up against the wall were rows of drooling twats!
(Insert name) he was there, drunk beyond a doot,

He tried to stuff the Parson's wife, but couldna' get the root!
(Insert name) he was there and he was in despair,

He couldna' get his pecker thru the tangled pubic hair!
(Insert name) did his doin's right upon the moor,

It was, he thought, much better than doin' on the floor!
(Insert name) he was there, his prick was all alert

But when only half the night was done, t'was danglin' in the dirt!
The doctor's daughter, she was there, she went to gather sticks
She couldna' find a blade of grass for cunts and standing pricks!
* more *
#19
Extra and XXX-Rated Verses to "The Ball of Ballyknure" (Cont.)
(Alternate CHORUS:) Singin' who did ye last, lass,

Who's doin' ye noo,
The one tha' did ye last, lassie
Canna do ye noo.
The village blacksmith he was there, roarin' like a lion,

He'd cut his prick off at the forge, so he used a red-hot iron!
The Mayor of the village, was doin' by the rule;

Partin' all the pubic hairs and wadin' thru the drool!
Jack Sprat could eat no fat, his wife could eat no lean,
So she did the Fubba-Wubbas, while he diddled a Marine...!
Mary, Mary, quite contrary, how does your garden grow?

With pussy fair, and pubic hair, and peckers in a row!
There was doin's in the kitchen, there was doin's in the halls
You couldna hear the music for the clangin' of the balls!
The Parson's daughter, she was there, the cunning little runt,
With poison ivy up her ass, and thistles up her cunt!
(Insert name) was also there, this I must confess:

Buggerin' at the Parson's cat; it's "pussy" none the less!
(Insert name) he was there, a pervert all his life;

He didna do the lassies...he only did his wife!
I have a little pussy, her coat it is so warm,

And if she douches regular, she won't do me no harm!
Jack and Jill went up the hill, to fetch a pail of water;

They spent the day a-diddlin', doin' things they shouldn't oughter!
Ivan the Terrible he was there, that filthy Russian cad,

The Boyars called him "Terrible," the ladies said "Not bad!"
(Insert Arabic name) he was there, in his white burnoose,

He sat down at the table and he called for "Cunt au jus!"
I'm a pain-in-the-ass, me boys, for singin' this awful song,

But if I'm a pain-in-the-ass, me lass, I'm doin' you all wrong!
The village economist, he was there, his slide rule in his hand,
Figuring out exactly when supply would meet demand.
Henry the Fifth, he was there, and this is what he said:

"Once more out of your breeks, my friends, and give me English head!"
Ghengis Khan he was there, and he was such a fright!

"First you burn, and -then- you rape; 'tis best by firelight!"
(insert name) he was there, and he is big and hairy;

He spent the evening with a will, pluckin' virgin cherries!
* more *
#20
Extra and XXX-Rated Verses to "The Ball of Ballyknure" (cont.)
(Alternate CHORUS:) Please do it this time

Please do it now!
And if you did it last time
You surely must know how!
The Parson's wife was there that night, sittin' by the fire,
Knittin' prophalactics with a rubber wire.
(insert name) was at the Ball, lookin' pretty grumpy;

His pecker isn't very long...the ladies call him "Stumpy!"
(insert name) was at the Ball, for this he is renowned:

His pecker is so very long, it drags along the ground!
The KaKhan of the Horde was there, and he is very smelly;

"First you rape, and THEN you burn; that's how to be rake-helly!"
(insert name) (s)he was there, and lookin' pretty foul,

Doin' seven horses, two chinchillas, and an owl!
The King is the biggest prick you've ever seen;

We may cry "God save the King," but, Lords, God save the Queen!
My Lady went to London, my Lady went to France,

My Lady goes to Fredrick's to buy her underpants!
My Lady's very beautiful, and this is what she wears:

Jewelry, and fancy gowns, but NEVER underwear!
(insert name) she was there, lyin' in the grass,

With "Property of (insert household name)" tatooed on her ass!
(insert name) he was there; we did a double-take,

When we saw him gettin' sexual with a shovel and a rake!
The yurt was getting noisy, the yurt was getting loud;
It was a Mongolian Cluster Fuck, and drawing quite a crowd!
The Old Professor, he was there, sittin' on a shelf,

Demonstratin' to all concerned how Man Makes Himself!
Dracula was also there, dressed up in his cape,

Explainin' to Van Helsing that "It vasn't really -rape-!"
The Computer Nerd he was there, his life was mighty rough,
Complainin' that the wet-ware wasn't wet enough!
The Queen was in the counting house, counting out her wealth;
The King was in the Countess, and the Count played with himself!
The Parson's daughter, she was there, hotter than a match,

We found her doin' pushups in the ol' cucumber patch!
(insert name) he was there, horny as can be:

We found him stuck in a knothole, tryin' t'do a tree!
* more *
#21
(Alternate CHORUS:) Wi' a fa'll dae it this time

Fa'll dae it noo?
The yin that did it last time
Canna dae it noo!
The town musician he was there, hummin' a merry tune,

Because a lass was on her knees blowin' his bassoon!
(name) and (name), they were there, actin' bold and brassy:
He was doin' Rin-Tin-Tin, and she was doin' Lassie!
(insert name) he was there, but he was indisposed,

He did na' diddle the regular way: he did 'em wi' his nose!
The village Doctor, he was there, at surgery he is grand,

He took most of the evening to circumcise the band!
There was doin's in the barley, there was doin's in the oats,
Most were doin' lassies, but -some- were doin' goats!
T'was on the twelfth of August, the party'd just began!

I never will forget, m'lads, the gatherin' of the Clans!
(insert name) she was there, lookin' like a sow,

So they tied her up by the big barn door and did her like a cow!
(insert name), he was there, enjoyin' all the smut,

He'd found himself a three-hole punch, and he was goin' nuts!
(insert name), she was there, she said "Alas! Alack!"

For one lad took her from the front, the other from the back!
Thirteenth lady in the room, fourteenth lady out,

Fifteenth doin' the bedpost, with a joyful shout!
Sixteenth fainted dead away, seventeenth was drunk,

Eighteenth in the bathtub, bathin' in the spunk!
(insert name), she was there, that wicked little tyke,

She hangs out with the pirates 'cause she -loves- those marlinspikes!
A Lord and Lady Herald were bein' circumspect:

The one said it was "rampant" the other said "erect!"
The cleanin' lady she was there, pickin' up the residue

And when she had it all picked up, she put it in the stew!
First they did it one-by-one, and then by he-and-she!

And when the ball was over, they were at it fives-and-threes!
The groom was in the bathroom, explainin' to the bride

That the penis, not the scrotum, was the part you stuck inside!
The village smithy he was there. feelin' rather coarse

They caught him in the back room, suckin' off a horse!
(insert name) he was there. suckin' on a brew
Starin' at a naked lass, and wonderin' what t'do!
#22
(insert name) she was there, wanderin' far from home

Three handsome lords to serve her there, and still she had t'roam!
(insert name) he was there, wanderin' 'round the hall

Askin' all the pretty maids, but gettin' none at all!
(insert name) she was there, loaded down with swords

Surrounded by bits of arms and legs of over-friendly lords!
(insert name) he was there, pecker well in hand,

Singing in the key of Off, but lookin' mighty grand!
(insert name) he was there, but couldn't get it hard,

So his lady satisfied herself with the burly bodyguard!
The King of (insert name) he was there, and he could do no wrong

'Cause the ladies know that rulers are all twelve inches long!
(insert name) she was there, challengin' all the lords

Wishin' one would take her up for other than shields and swords!
(insert name) she was there, singin' a lament

Gettin' help with the higher notes from the gentleman in her tent!
A Certain Viking, he was there, the ladies for to do

He had his horney helmet, so he did 'em two-by-two!
A lady down from (insert name) was lookin' for a spoon

But when she saw what I showed her, she fell down in a swoon!
Well, I was feelin' Mary, but she left with Master Roy,
So I went back to the parlor, and there I jumped for Joy!
Ask (insert name) a question, she'll answer if she can,

She'll tell you she does wonderous things, but not with any man!
(insert name) he was there, doin' all he can,

I have seen NINE ladies disappear into his van!
(insert name) he was there, he'd been si' times before,

He won this time because he'd laid (insert name) upon the floor!
(insert name) he was there, boastin' to the crowd

So we threw him in the cattle-pen, and thus was (insert name) cowed!
(insert name) he was there, teachin' us all to sing,

Tho he'd much prefer the ladies to play with his ding-a-ling!
(insert name) he was there, from lands across the sea

Eyein' all the ladies, for he needed more than three!
The Heatherwynos staggered in with their Gods of Alcohol

Keepin' themselves from fallin' down by holdin' up the wall!
The Abbey brothers, they were there, teachin' us how to pray:
A flagon full of good brown ale, and a woman, twice a day!
#23
(insert name) she was there, and she was in demand

Makin' prophylactics, and givin' 'em to the band!
The village brewer, he was there, drinkin' bottles of beer

And every now and then, for fun, he'd shove one up his rear!
The village cobbler walked right in with his leather and his awl
Makin' kinky garments for the wierdos at the ball!
The priest of Pan he danced right in, as on his pipes he played

And keepin' score upon his horns each time that he got laid!
The Mother Superior, she was there, with the village squire
Remainin' a virgin by jackin' him off, and shootin' it in the fire!
The town's old master smith was there, his hammer in his hand
The men they all were jealous, but the ladies thought him GRAND!
The jester was dancin' naked, all but his bells and cap
Nobody applauded...but they all gave him the Clap!
Several lusty wenches gathered round the door

And tripped the men as they came tru, but beat 'em to the floor!
Santa Claus, he dropped right in, bouncin' thru the flue;

Grabbin' all the lassies and doin' 'em two-by-two!
The Easter Bunny, he was there, searchin' for some eggs

He found one in a mess of hair between a lady's legs!
The leprechaun he sauntered in, all of three feet high

Just the size to stick his nose into some furry pie!
(insert name) he was there, playin' on his lute

Teachin' all the lassies how to play in his skin-flute!
The village vet, he was there, lookin' to get laid

Askin' round the ladies if they had been spayed!
(insert name) he was there, rubbing ladie's backs

But no matter how long or hard he tried they wouldn't jump in his sack
Rialtans they were also there, with their keyboards and their screens
Until somebody threw a willing wench into their damned machines
Ioseph of Locksley he was there, furthering the Plot

Thank God for penicillin, we don't know quite what he got
(insert name) was also there, with his cooler full o' beer
Just his luck, he tried to fuck a lass who turned out queer
The King and his knights were there, with brass hat and white belts
Doin' tricks with a wench or six in a pile of ferret pelts
(insert name) he was also there, with his wolves upon a chain
Panting and howling like he'd been caught in in a patch of wolfie-bane
#24
The local Herald, he was there, with his books so tall and thick
Walking about in pompous haste, and stepping on his dick!
Pet. de Cat., de cavalier, showed up in lace and leather

The morning after, he woke on a rafter, his clothes were in the heather
A tribe of Tuchux they were there, just dressed in bunny fur

They all ran out when they heard a shout "You @#$%-&*# Cur!"
Ardjjuk Afraid-of-his-Cats was there and he was fraught with fear

At the very thought of getting caught by one of the pussies near
Four and twenty virgins came out from the West

It didna' take 'em long 'til they was doin' with the best!
Clan Blue Feather, they were there, a bunch of folks so gay

I didn't mind so long as they did not get in the way
Good Sir <insert name> was there, white belt across his mid
When the ladies saw him coming, they all ran off and hid
<insert title> <insert name> was there, brass hat upon his head
His ancient bones let out such groans we thought he'd wake the dead
Good Sir <insert name> was there, with spurs upon his heels
Showing the gals how to please their pals and suffocate trouser eels
Master <insert name> was there, white baldric 'cross his chest
Making no "pax" with Castle Anthrax and it's "peril" from Python's quest
(insert name) he was there, playin' fast and loose

Doin' an innocent gerbil, and wishin' it was a moose!
(insert name) she was there, underneath a tree

Entertainin' all the lads, and doin' 'em three by three!
(note: This may not be ALL the verses, but it's doggone close!)
LAST UPDATE: 05/23/91
***************************************************************
#25
*
THE BANTAM COCK

(Recorded: "Celtic Pride: In Strange Form")
He was a fine upstanding bantam-cock

So brisk, and stiff, and spry...
With a springy step, and a jaunty plume,
And a purposeful look in his eye
In his little black laughing eye!
So I took him to the coop and introduced him to

My seventeen wide-eyed hens
And he tupped and he tupped as a hero tupps,
And he bowed to them all, and then,
He up and took 'em all again!
Then upon the peace of my ducks and geese

He boldly did intrude
And with glazed eyes and opened mouths
They bore him with fortitude...
And a little bit of gratitude!
He jumped my giggling guinea-fowl!

He thrust his attentions upon
Twenty hysterical turkeys,
And a visiting migrant swan!
And the bantam thundered on!
He groped my fan-tail pigeon doves,

My lily-white Columbine,
And as I was lookin' at me budgerigar,
He jumped my parrot from behind!
And it was sittin' on me shoulder at the time!
But all of a sudden, with a gasp and a gulp,

He clapped his wings to his head!
He lay flat on his back with his feet in the air;
My bantam-cock was dead!
And the vultures circled overhead!
What a noble beast! What a champion cock!

What a way to live and die!
As I dug him a grave to protect his bones,
From those hungry buzzards in the sky,
The bantam opened up his eyes!
He gave me a wink, and a terrible grin,

The way that rapists do....
He said, "Do you see them silly daft buggers up there?
They'll be down in a minnit 'er two!
They'll be down in a minnit 'er two!"
*
#26
*
BARNACLE BILL THE SAILOR
Who's that knocking at my door? (3X)

Said the fair young maiden
It's only me from over the sea, said Barnacle Bill the Sailor.
So open the door you fucking whore, said Barnacle Bill the Sailor.
I drink my whiskey when I can,
For whiskey is the life of man
I drink it from an old tin can...said Barnacle Bill the Sailor
I'll come down and let you in (3X)

Said the fair young maiden
So hurry before I bust in the door, said B.B. the S.

I just got laid and I want some more, said B.B. the S.
I'm newly come upon the shore,
And this is what I'm looking for
A jade, a maid, or even a whore, said B.B. the S.
Will you take me to the dance? (3X)

Said the fair young maiden.
Screw the dance and drop your pants, said B.B. the S.
I'll fuck you when I have the chance, said B.B. the S.
I'll fuck you once, I'll bugger you twice,
Then try a different kind of vice
It may be fun, but it isn't nice, said B.B. the S.
What if my parents should come home? (3X)

I'll kill your Pa and fuck your Ma, said B.B. the S.
And then I'll give a loud huzzah, said B.B. the S.
So get into bed or it's on the floor,
'Cause whattya think I came here for
You're just another stinking whore, said B.B. the S.
Oh your whiskers scrape my cheeks (3X)

I'm dirty and lousy and full of fleas, said B.B. the S.
I'll stick my mast in whom I please, said B.B. the S.
My flowing whiskers give me class,
The sea horses ate them instead of grass
If they hurt your cheeks, they'll tickle your ass!, said B.B. the S.
What if we should have a girl? (3X)

I'll dig a ditch and bury the bitch, said B.B. the S.
For I come here to scratch my itch, said B.B. the S.
I fuck 'em warm, I fuck 'em cold,
I fuck 'em young, I fuck 'em old,
I don't care if they're shy or bold, said B.B. the S.
(more)
#27
Barnacle Bill The Sailor (cont.)
What if we should have a boy? (3X)

I'll take him to sea, and he'll fuck like me, said B.B. the S.
He'll wind up on the gallows-tree, said B.B. the S.
So tuck your ankles behind your ears,
Shut up your mouth and dry your tears
I'm a leering, jeering privateer, said B.B. the S.
Oh when will we be wed? (3X)

You foolish girl, It's nothing but sport, said B.B. the S.
I've got me a wife in every port, said B.B. the S.
Off I go on another tack,
To give some other fair maid a whack
But keep it oiled till I come back, said B.B. the S.
*
#28
*
THE BASTARD KING OF ENGLAND

-attributed to Rudyard Kipling, but probably not!
Oh the mistrels sing of an English King of many long years ago

who ruled his Land with an iron hand tho his morals were weak and low
his only outer garment was a dirty yellow shirt
with which he served to hide his hide, but he couldn't hide the dirt
He was dirty, and lousy, and full of fleas

but a Royal Tool hung to his knees
God bless the Bastard King of England!
Now the Queen of Spain was an amorous Jane, a lascivious wench was she
who heard about the prowess of this King from over the sea
so she sent a Royal Message by a Royal Messenger
to ask the King of England to spend the night with her
He was dirty and lousy and full of fleas

but he kept his women by twos and threes....
God Bless the Bastard King of England!
When Philip of France heard of this chance, he swore before his Court
"The Queen prefers my rival just because mine's...somewhat short."
So he sent the Count of Zippety-Zap
to give to the Queen a Dose of Clap
to pass it on to the Bastard King of England!
When the King of England heard the news, he cursed the Gallic farce
and he up and swore by the Royal Whore he'd have the Frenchman's arse
So he offered half his Kingdom, and a piece of Queen Hortense
To any Royal Subject who'd undo the King of France
So the brave young Duke of Buckingham went instantly to France

He swore he was a fruitier; the King took down his pants.
So in front of the throng he slipped on a thong
and jumped on his horse and he galloped along
dragging the Frenchman back to Merrie England!
When the King of England saw the sight he fainted dead on the floor,
for during the ride his rival's hide had stretched...a yard...or more!
and all the girls of England came down to London Town
and shouted round the battlements "To hell with the British Crown!"
So Philip of France usurped the Throne

his scepter was his Royal Bone
with which he bitched the Bastard King of England!
*
#29
*
B-I-M-B-O
-Anonymous (because nobody will
take the blame for it)
1) There was a girl that went to Crown

And Bimbo was her name-o
B-I-M-B-O, B-I-M-B-O, B-I-M-B-O,
And Bimbo was her name-o!
2) There was a girl that went to Crown,

She had large tracts of land-o
(Gesture for big tits)-I-M-B-O etc.

Her talents they were many-o
(gesture for a nice body)
(Gesture for big tits)-M-B-O etc.

And she made very merry-o
(throw arms in air and yell "whee!")
(Gesture for big tits)-B-O etc.

And she was made the Queen-o
(put Crown on head)
(Gesture for big tits)-O etc.

And she got very pissy-o
(point to various members of audience, and say:
"You're banished, and you're banished, and....")
(put Crown on head)
(Gesture for big tits)
CHRISTIANITY HITS THE SPOT

(Tune: "Pepsi Cola hits the spot")
Christianity hits the spot

Twelve Apostles, that's a lot!
Holy Ghost and a Virgin too,
Christianity's the thing for you!
*
#30
*
COEUR DE BOEF CHALLENGE SONG
Oh, the Midrealm Chivalry get no tail,

Oh, the Midrealm Chivalry get no tail,
To alleviate the yen,
They go out with Viking men,
Oh, the Midrealm Chivalry get no tail.
Oh, the Vikings have no women on their ships,

Oh, the Vikings have no women on their ships,
To keep all their parts in use,
They resort to self abuse,
Oh, the Vikings have no women on their ships.
If the Masters of the Midrealm had their wish,

Well, they would never go with women, they'd just fish.
Well, they are not women haters,
But they all are master baiters,
And the masters of the midrealm smell like fish.
Oh, the fighters of the Midrealm get no tail,

Oh, the fighters of the Midrealm get no tail,
After melee with the guys,
They can hardly get a rise,
Oh, the fighters of the Midrealm get no tail.
Oh, the marshals of the Midrealm get no tail,

Oh, the marshals of the Midrealm get no tail,
Oh, it's not that they are cold,
But they're always yelling "HOLD!",
Oh, the marshals of the Midrealm get no tail.
Oh, the artists of the Midrealm get no tail,

Oh, the artists of the Midrealm get no tail,
It's not that they're so grand,
But their talents in their hands,
Oh, the artists of the Midrealm get no tail.
Oh, the heralds of the Midrealm get no tail,

Oh, the heralds of the Midrealm get no tail,
For when e're they need a laugh,
All they do is raise their staff,
Oh, the heralds of the Midrealm get no tail.
Oh, the elves of the Midrealm get no tail,

Oh, the elves of the Midrealm get no tail,
When they do it in the trees,
They mean knotholes if you please,
Oh, the elves of the Midrealm get no tail.
Well, the Mongols, but, of course, they get tail,

Well, the Mongols, but, of course, they get tail,
Oh, the Mongols, but, of course,
Would rather get it from a horse,
And the horses of the Mongols have no tails.
*
#31
COLUMBO
-Anonymous
CHORUS: He swore the world was round-o

America could be found-o
That masturbatin', fornicatin'
Son-of-a-bitch, Columbo!
In fourteen hundred and ninety two

A gob from old Italee
Went wandering thru the streets of Spain
A-pissing in the alley
In fourteen hundred and ninety two

The expedition started
Queen Isabel, she cried like hell
Columbus only farted
Columbus paced upon the deck

He knew it was his duty
He laid his whang into his hand
and said "Ain't that a beauty!"
The sailor's on Columbus' ship

Each had his private knothole
But Columbo was a superman
and used a padded porthole!
The bo's'ns mate fell overboard

The sharks did leap and frolic
They gobbled him up in one big bite
And shortly died of colic!
For forty days and forty nights

They sailed the broad Atlantic
Columbo and his lousy crew
For want of a piece were frantic!
They spied a whore upon the shore

And off came shirts and collars
In twenty minutes by the clock
She'd made ten thousand dollars!
With joyful shout they ran about Columbo went back to the Queen
And practiced fornication Because it was his duty
When they sailed, they left behind He gave to her a dose of clap
Ten times the population! He had no other booty
And when his men pulled out again So they threw him in a stinking jail
To take the homeward tour up And left him there to grumble
They'd caught the Pox from every box A ball and chain tied to his balls
That syphilized all Europe! So ended poor Columbo!
*
#32
*
THE COUNTESS' GARTER

-Anonymous
(Tune: "Cornell's Alma Mater")
(& only sing it when you KNOW your listeners!)
High above a Countess' garter, high above her knee

Lies the key to her successes: her virginity!
Once she had it, now she's lost it
It is gone for good!
She goes down for belted fighters
Like a Countess should!
Lift her skirts, Oh lift them gently,
Lay her on the grass!
Often are the times I've dreamed of
A piece of Countess' ass!
THE SPERM SONG

(from Monty Python)
There are Jews in the world, There are Buddhists.

There are Hindus and Mormons and then...
There are those that follow Mohammed
But I've never been one of them...
I'm a Roman Catholic,

And have been since before I was born.
And the one thing they say about Catholics is,
They'll take you as soon as you're warm.
You don't have to be a six-footer,

You don't have to have a great brain,
You don't have to have any clothes on,
You're a Catholic the moment Dad came.
Because...
Every sperm is sacred, Every sperm is great,

If a sperm is wasted, God gets quite irate.
Let the heathens spill theirs On the dusty ground,

God shall make them pay for Each sperm that can't be found.
Every sperm is wanted, Every sperm is good,

Every sperm is needed, In your neighboorhood.
Every sperm is useful, Every sperm is fine,

God needs everybody's, Mine and mine and mine.
Let the pagans spill theirs, On mountain here and then,

God will strike them down for each sperm that's spilt in vain.
Every sperm is sacred, Every sperm is good,

Every sperm is needed In your neighborhood.
*
#33
*
THE FARTING CONTEST

(Tune: Sweet Betsy From Pike)
I'll tell you a story that is sure to please

Of a great farting contest at Sutton-on-Pease
Where all the best arses paraded the field
To compete in a contest for various shields.
Some tighten their arses and fart up the scale
To compete for a cup, or a barrel of ale,
While others, whose arses are biggest and strongest,
Compete in the section for loudest and longest.
Now, this year's event had drawn quite a big crowd

And the betting was even on Mrs. McDowd
For it had appeared, in the evening edition,
That this lady's arse was in perfect condition.
Miss Bingle arrived amid roars of applause
And promptly proceeded to pull off her drawers
For, though she'd no chance in the farting display
She'd the prettiest bottom you'd see in a day!
Now, young Mrs. Porter was backed for a place

though she'd often been placed in the deepest disgrace
by dropping a fart on a Sunday in church
And disturbing the sermon of Reverend McGurk!
The ladies lined up, at the signal to start,
And, winning the toss, Mrs. Jones to first fart;
The people around stood in silence and wonder,
While her wireless transmitted gale force and thunder!
Now, Mrs. McDowd reckoned nothing of this

For she'd had some weak tea, and was all wind and piss;
So she took up her place, and her arse opened wide,
But, unluckily, shit, and was disqualified!
Then young Mrs. Porter was called to the front
And started by doing a wonderful stunt:
She took a deep breath, and, clenching her hands,
She blew the damnned roof off the popular stands!
This left young Miss Bingle, who shyly appeared,

And smiled at the clergy, who lustily cheered!
And though it was thought that her chances were small,
She ran out a winner, out-farting them all!
She went to the rostrum with dignified gait,
And took from the Vicar a set of gold plate,
Then she turned to the clergy, with sweetness sublime,
And, smiling, said "Come up and see me sometime!"
The clergy was shocked by Miss Bingle's remark,

Though some felt a stirring 'neath vestment and sark,
Perhaps t'was the wind - but who could have guessed?
And that was the end of the farting contest!
*
#34
*
FIGHT FOR LIBERATION

(Tune: "Tramp, Tramp, Tramp")
In a dungeon cell I sit, covered o'er with Royal Shit,

While our money turns the Kingdoms' filthy mill
And the Directors as they pass, jam Corpora up our ass
Well. I guess we've had our Goddam fuckin' fill!
CHORUS: Fight, fight, fight for Liberation!

Break, break, break the Social Scheme!
Oh, we'll drag the bastards down,
And we'll grind them in the ground,
And replace 'em with a Working Class Regime!
Oh we'll send a firing squad after Royalty's Tin God

And the Heralds they will be the next in line
Then we'll pump some LSD into Their Senilities
And we'll make 'em fuck the peasants overtime!
Oh, we'll take a fuckin' rope, and we'll hang the fuckin' Pope
And we'll burn the Sistine Chapel to the ground!
Then we'll turn our tommy-guns on the screaming ravished nuns
And the People's Voice will be the only sound!
So if you hate the Working Class, but you'd like to save your ass
Then you better give your money to the poor!
Or we'll sell your mother's twat to a sailor on your yacht
And we'll turn your favourite daughter to a hoor!
FOUR DRUNKEN MAIDENS
There were three drunken maidens come from the Isle of Wight.
They drunk from Monday morning, nonstop 'til Saturday night.
When Saturday night came 'round me boys, they would not then go out.
These three drunken maidens they pushed the jug about.
Then up come handsome Sally, her cheeks as red as bloom.

Move up me jolly sisters and give young Sally room
For I'll be your equal before we then go out.
These four drunken maidens they pushed the jug about.
There's woodcock and pheasant, there's partridge and hare,

There's all sorts of dainties, no scarcity was there.
There's forty quarts of beer, me boys, they fairly drunk them out.
Then up come the landlord, he's asking for his pay.

It's a forty pound bill, me boys, these girls have got to pay.
That's ten pounds apiece, me boys, but still they wouldn't go out.
Oh, where are your feathered hats, your mantles rich and fine?
They've all been swallowed up in tankards of good wine.
And where are your maidenheads, you maidens brisk and gay?
We left them in the alehouse, we drunk them clear away!
*
#35
THE FRIGGIN' FALCON
-Theodore R. Cogswell
(Tune: "Ghost Riders In the Sky")
I was walkin' out one evening by the friggin' reservoir

A-wishing that I had a quid to pay my friggin' score
My head it was a-achin' and my throat was parched and dry
So I up and sent a little prayer wingin' to the sky
Then there came a friggin' falcon and He walked upon the waves
And I said "A friggin' miracle!" and sang a couple staves
Of a friggin' churchly ballad I learned at me mother's knee
But when the friggin' bird took off he went and spattered me!
I dropped upon my friggin' knees and bowed my friggin' head

And said three friggin' Aves for all the friggin' dead
And then I rose up to my feet and said another ten
The friggin' bird burst into flame and spattered me again!
The falcon blazed up in the sky just like a friggin' sun

And seared my friggin' eyelids shut and when the job was done
He whooshed across the friggin' sky just like a shooting star
I went to see the friggin' priest; he bummed my last cigar!
I told him of the burning bird, he told me of the Rose

I showed him guano in my hair, the bastard held his nose!
So I went to see the Bishop, but the friggin' Bishop said
"Go home and sleep it off, you sod, and wash your friggin' head!"
Then I came upon a friggin' wake for a lousy friggin' swine

By the name of Jock O'Leary and I touched his head with mine
He sat up in his friggin' box, and he shook his friggin' head
His wife pulled out a .44, and filled him full of lead!
Then I lost my friggin' temper and let out a friggin' yell

"Blow one more hole in poor old Jock and I'll see you burn in Hell!"
And once again I raised him up and brought him back to life
Jock whimpered as his head came off...this time she used a knife!
And then she flopped upon her knees and started in to pray
"Please, Lord," she said, "It's thirty years I've waited for this day!"
Still I went about the friggin' town to heal the friggin' lame
But every time I raised them up, they got knocked down again!
How the good Lord sends His blessings down in a friggin' curious way
But when He's marked a man for Love, that Love is there to stay
But the way you've got to use that Love is a friggin' queer affair
There ain't no point to raisin' stiffs, and there ain't no point to prayer
And this I know because I've got an ever-flowing sign

For every time I wash my head, the water turns to wine!
And I give it free to working blokes to brighten their poor lives
So they don't kick no dogs around, or beat up on their wives
For there ain't no point to miracles like walking on the sea

They crucified the Son of God, but they don't muck with me!
For I leave the friggin' blind alone and the dying and the dead
But every day at four o'clock...I wash my friggin' head!
*
#36
*
GOD REST YE UNITARIANS

(Author Unknown)
God rest ye, Unitarians, let nothing you dismay!

Remember that there is no proof there was a Chistmas Day
For Christmas really started as a pagan holiday.
CHORUS: Oh, glad tidings of reason and fact,

Reason and fact.
Glad tidings of reason and fact.
We're too sophisticated to believe in tales so old.

We know that human avarice means too much bought and sold
We only celebrate because this season is so cold.
No wise men traveled from the East, the journey's far too long.
There were no shepherds in the fields, the time of year's all wrong.
We don't believe in angels; that rules out the angels' song!
GOD'S GREAT GIFTS

(from Monty Python)
All things dull and ugly, All creatures great and squat
All things rude and nasty, The Lord God made the lot.
Each little snake that poisons, Each little wasp that stings
He made their brutish venom, He made their horrid wings.
All things sick and cancerous, All evil great and small
All things foul and dangerous, The Lord God made them all.
Each nasty little hornet, Each beastly little squid

Who made the spikey urchin, Who made the sharks? He did.
All things scabbed and ulcerous, All pox both great and small
Putrid, foul and gangrenous, The Lord God made them all.
Amen.
*
#37
*
GOODBYE TO ALL THAT

-John Ball
(Tune: "Farewell to the Rhondda")
CHORUS: Farewell you Kingdom officers, the politics and crap;

Farewell you Hatted Valley Girls, we never will come back!
The foreign wars are calling, at least the money's good!
And you can take your Kingdom and do with it what you would!
Our fathers built a Kingdom, from nothing in the desert

I watched them work with heart and soul to build
Something worthwhile, for the keeping, but now my heart is weeping
And I can't stay and see their dreaming killed!
Chivalry and honour, courtesie and kindness

Are words that are forgotten and ignored
For we must fight to win, and counting blows' a sin
So I think I'll go and join the bloody Horde!
The Belted Boys are arrogant; they think they run the Kingdom
They've made the Dream into a bloody whore!
For chivalry's forgotten, and the membership is droppin'
And I'll not put up with it any more!
*
#38
THE GOOD SHIP VENUS
-Anonymous
It was on the good ship Venus The Captain's name was Morgan
My God, you should have seen us! By God, he was a gorgon!
The figurehead was a whore in bed, Ten times each day sweet tunes he'd play
And the mast, an upright penis! On his reproductive organ!
The Captain of this lugger The Captain's wife was Mable

He was a dirty bugger! To screw, she wasn't able
He wasn't fit to shovel shit So the dirty shits, they nailed her tits
From one place to another! Across the Captain's table!
The Mate's name it was Andy

By God, he had a dandy!
Till they crushed his cock with a jagged rock
For coming in the brandy!
The second mate was Hooper Another daughter, Charlotte

By God, he was a trooper! Born and bred a harlot
He jerked and jerked until he worked At night her thighs were lily white
Himself into a stupor! By morning they were scarlet!
The cabin boy, the cabin boy, The Captain's dog was Rover
The dirty little nipper; We rolled that poor dog over
He filled his ass with broken glass, Ten times each day all along the way
And circumcised the Skipper! From Calais back to Dover!
The Captain's daughter, Mable, The Boatswains Mate named Carter

Was ready, willing and able, Was quite an able farter
To fornicate with the second mate Played anything from "God Save the Queen"
Upon the chartroom table! To Beethoven's " 'Moon' Sonata"
The Captain's daughter, Mary, The Captain had a First Mate

Had never lost her cherry, He loved him like a brother
The men grew bold, and offered gold: And every night in the pale moonlight
Now there's no Virgin Mary! They buggered one another!
The Captain's other daughter The passengers were whiney

Fell in the deep sea water They'd drunk up all their winey
Delighted squeals revealed that eels From bed to bed they looked for head
Had found her sexual quarter! But settled for some hiney.
Aboard the good ship Venus The Captain had a one-eyed cat
We sailors all were henious: He kept it in the cabin
It was our fate to masturbate He rubbed its ass with axle grease
And that develops meanness! And started in a-jabbin'!
The trip it was exciting

The pleasures were inviting
All day we blew - all night we'd screw
By artificial lighting!
One day the good ship foundered And when we reached our station
On crags our bags were pound(er)ed We found to our elation
We stubbed our cocks against the rocks, The ship had sunk in a sea of spunk
And then, we all were drownd(er)ed! From mutual masturbation!
*
#39
*
HAS ANYBODY SEEN MY LORD?

(Tune: "Five Foot Two, Eyes of Blue.")
Five foot nine

He's divine
Born and raised in Palestine
Has anybody seen my Lord?
He can heal the sick

Raise the dead
Does neat things with fish and bread
So if you run into a six foot Jew,
(does anyone have the rest of the words to this?)
Variant from Smokey Layton:
Five foot nine

From Palestine
He can change your water to wine
He is Boss
He is Cool
Watch Him walk across your pool
He can brag
He can boast
His mother was a Virgin and his Father was a Ghost
I AM AN ANGLICAN
Tune: "God Bless America"
I am an Anglican, I am P.E. (Protestant Episcopal)

I'm not High Church, nor Low Church,
But I'm Protestant, and Catholic and free!
Not a Presby, not a Luth'ran
Not a Baptist, white with foam!
I am an Anglican, Just one step from Rome!
I am an Anglican, Just one step from Rome!
*
#40
*
I'LL GO NO MORE A-ROVIN'

-Traditional (Elizabethan period)
CHORUS: I'll go no more a'rovin' with you fair maid!

A'rovin', a'rovin', since rovin's been my ru-i-n,
I'll go no more a'rovin' with you fair maid!
(v.1) (v.5)
In Plymouth town there lives a maid. She said, "My Lord you are quite bold."
Bless you young women. Bless you young women.
In Plymouth Town there lives a maid. She said, "My Lord you are quite bold.
Now mind what I do say Now mind what I do say.
In Plymouth town there lives a maid She said, "My Lord you are quite bold."
She is the mistress of her trade Until she saw my purse of gold.
Chorus: Chorus:
(v.2) (v.6)
I took this fair maid for a walk. I took her hand into my own.
Bless you young women. Bless you young women.
I took this fair maid for a walk. I took her hand into my own.
I took this fair maid for a walk I took her hand into my own
And we had a lovin' "talk". And we went to her own home.
Chorus: Chorus:
(v.3) (v.7)
I put my hand upon her knee She dearly loved to scratch and bite.
Bless you young women Bless you young women.
I put my hand upon her knee She dearly loved to scratch and bite
I put my hand upon her knee She dearly loved to scratch and bite
She said, "My Lord you are quite free." She kept me up the whole damn night
Chorus: Chorus:
(v.4) (v.8)
I put my hand upon her thigh Her methods were unorthodox
Bless you young women Bless you young women.
She said, "My Lord you are quite high." She gave to me the Spanish Pox
Chorus: Chorus:
(v.9)
This strange disease she gave to me
Bless you young women.
Now mind what I do say.
I paid for it but you may have it free.
Chorus:
*
#41
*
IN DAYS OF OLD
-Anonymous & Ioseph of Locksley
(Tune: "The Girl I left Behind Me")
SCA: In days of old, when knights were bold,

And rubbers weren't invented;
They used old socks
To cover up their jocks
And babies were prevented!
But now we're in the SCA
And we always get our fill, sir!
For the boys take matters firm in hand
And the girls are on the Pill, sir!
In days of old, when knights were bold,

And women weren't particular
They lined them up
Against the wall
And diddled 'em perpendicular!
And any old way is fine, sir!
So choose your lass and go to town,
As long as she's not mine, sir!
In days of old, when knights were bold

And paper not invented
They wiped their ass
With tufts of grass
And, thereby, were contented!
And a public park's a gas, sir!
For a toilet seat is very neat
When you have to park your ass, sir!
MUNDANE: Last night I slept in a hollow log

With the girl I love beside me;
Tonight I sleep in a feather bed
And she's right there beside me
She jumped in bed and covered up her head

And said I couldn't find her
But she knew damn well she lied like hell
So I jumped in bed beside her!
I diddled her once, I diddled her twice,

I diddled her once too often.....
I broke a spring, or some damn thing
I diddled her to her coffin......
(shouted:) DAMN! DAMN! DAMN! DAMN!
*
#42
*
JENNY BE FAIR
-Buffy Sainte-Marie
(copyright date unknown)
(altered for male singer by Ioseph of Locksley)
Oh, Jenny be fair and Jenny be fine and wants me for to wed.
And I would marry Jenny but me father up and said,
"I'm sad to tell you, son of mine, what your mother never knew,
But Jenny is a child of mine, and so is kin to you."
Oh, Mary be fair, and .....
Oh, Coleen be fair, and .....
( Change names as needed, repeat as many times as you want. )
You never saw a lad so sad and sorry as I was,

The girls in town are all my kin and me father is the cause.
If life should thus continue I'm a batchelor for sure
So I will go to Mother and complain of this to her.
"Well, son of mine, I've taught you to forgive and to forget,

And if your father sowed his oats, well, still you needn't fret.
Your father may be father to all the girls, but still,
He's not the one who fathered you, so marry who you will!"
JESUS LOVES THE LITTLE POP CANS

-- Nate Bucklin
(Tune: "Jesus Loves the Little Children")
Jesus loves the little pop cans

All the little pop cans of the world
Coke or Pepsi, Tab or Sprite
All are precious in his sight
Jesus loves the little pop cans of the world!
JESUS SAVES
(Tune: chorus of "Battle Hymn of the Republic")
Jesus puts his money in the First National Bank

Jesus saves, Jesus, saves, Jesus saves!
(But Moses -invests!-) (to tune: "Good evening, friends!")
*
#43
*
THE JIMMY SWAGGERT SONG

-Author unknown
(Tune: "Dick Darby The Cobbler")
Oh, me name is Jimmy Swaggert, I'm a preacher,

I used to save souls on TV
But they caught me carousing with floozies
And they've taken my program from me!
(CHORUS): With me ing twing of an ing thing of an eye do

W'i me ing twing of an ing thing of an eye day,
W'i me roo-boo-boo roo-boo-boo randy,
And me bankroll gets bigger each day!
Well, when I was a lad, ma would scold me

Sayin' "James, keep your hands off your crotch!"
Well to do so was "dirty" she told me,
But she never said I couldn't watch!
Well, they labeled Jim Bakker a pervert,

And they called me a lecher, it's true;
Even though I never did nothin'
I just asked for a room with a view....
Well, my sorrows they soon will be over,

And I'll soon be a rich man again,
For I've just sold my story to Playboy,
And the movie rights to MGM!
*
#44
*
THE KINGDOM THAT SWALLOWED A LIE

-Ardjukk Afraid-of-His-Cats
There once was a Kingdom that swallowed a LIE

I don't know why they swallowed a LIE......
Perhaps they'll die!
There once was a Kingdom that swallowed a RULE

"The King's Word is Law" (We learn it in school!)
They swallowed the RULE to hold up the LIE
I don't know why they swallowed the LIE
There once was a Kingdom that swallowed some BULL

"The knights run the Kingdom, they have all the pull!"
They swallowed the BULL to back up the RULE
"The King's Word is Law!" (We learn it in school..)
They swallowed the RULE to hold up the LIE
And I don't know why they swallowed the LIE
There once was a Kingdom got screwed by the CROWN

Bent over, and down, they got screwed by the CROWN
They got screwed by the CROWN 'cause they swallowed the BULL
(etc as above)
I don't know why they swallowed the LIE......
There once was a Kingdom that wrote to the BOARD

They wrote to the BOARD in great disaccord
They wrote to the BOARD they'd been screwed by the CROWN
Bent over and down, they were screwed by the CROWN
(etc as above)
And I don't know why they swallowed the LIE......
There once was a Kingdom that took up the SWORD

'Cause they didn't get shit when they wrote to the BOARD
They took up the SWORD when they wrote to the BOARD
They wrote to the BOARD in great disaccord
(etc as above)
I don't know why they swallowed the LIE......
There once was a Kingdom that threw up the LIE

Right in their eye, they threw up the LIE
They threw up the LIE and they changed all the RULES
Opened Crown Tourney to all but the fools,
They opened Crown Tourney to sweep up the BULL
And let in the People, a real Miracle!
They swept up the BULL and laughed at the BOARD
And every man-jack of 'em joined the Dark Horde!
And so they lived happy, and wealthy and wise
And if this is treason, then it's all a LIE
Can YOU see why?
*
#45
*
LONDON DERRIERE
-Ioseph of Locksley
(Tune: "Londonderry Aire" aka "Danny Boy")
(c) copyright 1990 W.J.Bethancourt III
I watch you walk upon the streets of London

Your mini-skirt stretched tight, and looking sweet
I watch you walk, and walk into a lampost
I didn't see, upon the London street.
So turn your back, and wiggle softly from me!
With mini-skirt, (perhaps, no underwear!)
Your legs are great! But, by the Gods above me!
I watch your wondrous London derriere!
The Paris girls are wonders full of beauty,

And California grows the Long-stemmed L.A. rose,
Berlin nights are full of life, and lovely,
But London girls don't wear no panty-hose!
So turn your back, and wiggle softly from me!
And let me watch, and dream a dream so rare:
In my hotel, you naked there above me
Sit on my face with your London derriere!
*
#46
THE MERMAID
-Shel Silverstein
When I was a lad in a fishing town,

an old man said to me
You can spend your life, your jolly life,
a-sailing on the sea
You can search the world for pretty girls
'til your eyes grow weak and dim
But don't go swimmin' with a mermaid, son,
if you don't know how to swim!
'Cause her hair is green as sea-weed
Her lips are blue and pale
I'll tell you now before you start
You can love that girl with all your heart
But you'll only love the upper part;
You will -not- like the tail!
I signed on to a whalin' ship,

and my very first day at sea
I spied a mermaid in the waves,
a-reachin' out to me
Come live with me in the sea, said she,
and down on the ocean's floor
I'll show you a million wond'rous sights
you've never seen before!
So I jumped on in and she pulled me down,

down to her sea-weed bed
A pillow she made of tortoise shells,
and placed beneath my head
She fed me shrimp and caviar
from a silvery dish
She was just my taste (down to her waist)
but the rest of her was fish!
Her hair was green as seaweed
Her lips were blue and pale
Her face it was a work of art
But I only gave her half my heart
'Cause tho I loved the upper part;
I did -not- like the tail!
And then one day when I looked up

I saw a sailin' ship
And I met the stare of a millionaire
Out on a fishing trip
A diamond ring he tied on a string
And lowered it down to her
And my love divine, she went for the line
And went for the usual lure!
(more)
#47
The Mermaid (cont.)
So I sighed in the rolling tide,

and I cried to the clams and the whales
How I missed her hair and her seagreen eyes;
I missed the shine of her scales
Just then her sister swam on by,
and set my heart a-whirl....
For her upper part was an ugly old fish.....
but the -bottom- half was GIRL!
Her toes are round and rosey!
Her legs are slim and pale!
Her face might not be a work of art
But I love that girl with all my heart
And I don't give a damn about the upper part
That's how I end my tale! ('cause now I'm getting tail!)
MOLLY MALONE
-Ioseph of Locksley
In Dublin's fair city, where the girls have no titties

T'was there that I first met sweet Molly Malone
You could have her for a penny, and be one of many,
But for sixpence she would act alive, alive-o!
Alive, alive-o! Alive alive-o!

But for sixpence she would act alive, alive-o!
She was a street walker, and sure t'was no wonder

For so were her mother and grandmother too,
With a mattress on the barrow, thru streets broad and narrow,
And for sixpence they would act alive, alive-o!

And for sixpence they would act alive, alive-o!
She died of a fever, and no one could save her;

It was caught from a folkie from Ontario,
Now her ghost wheels the barrow thru streets broad and narrow
But a ghost can't be had that's alive, alive-o!

But a ghost can't be had that's alive, alive-o!
*
#48
*
THE MODEST WENCH

-David of Bagulay
A comely young wench from the south

Went travelling far and free
She said "I'm searching for love as true as the dove!"
And she came to the north country
CHORUS: Saying "I beg your pardon, Sir!

I am but a modest wench....
A lovely lively lusty busty rather outrageous wench
But a modest one, nevertheless!"
She met with two grinning dwarves

Said one to the other: "What bliss!
You stand on her shoulder; together we'll hold her
And give her a rousing kiss!"
She met with a leering banker

Who said "Banking has various facets...
I could invest all your money till the ledgers looked funny,
But I'd rather hold onto your assets!"
She met with a hungry giant

Who roared in stentorian tones
"To pepper I'd falter; I'd rather assault her
before I devour her bones!"
She met with a country lout

who said,"Massage me here on this hummock.
Like my girlfriend who felt she should stop at the belt
And never got up to my stomach..."
She met with a charming minstrel

"At last sir can you show me true love?"
He chortled with glee as he patted her knee
He rubbed his hands as he fired up his glands
He looked very droll as he turned into a troll
And sneered "Certainly! From below or above!"
"I beg your pardon, sir!

I -was- but a modest wench...
A lovely lively lusty busty rather outrageous wench
But a modest one....never the more!"
*
#49
THE MOOSE SONG
-Thomas Payton, et. al.
(tune: "Betsy From Pike")
When I was a young girl (man) I used to like boys (girls),

I fondled their tights (bodies) and played with their toys (curls),
But me boy (girl) friend ran off with a salesman named Bruce,
You'd never get treatment like that from a Moose!
CHORUS: So it's Moose, Moose, I like a Moose,

I've never had anything quite like a Moose,
I've had many lovers, my life has been loose,
But I've never had anything quite like a Moose!
Now when I'm in need of a very good lay,

I go to me stables and gets me some hay,
I opens me window and spreads it around,
'Cause Moose always comes when there's hay on the ground!
Now I've made it with all kinds of beasties with hair,

I'd make it with snakes if their fangs were not there,
I've made it with walrus, two ducks and a goose,
But I've never had anything quite like a Moose!
Now gorillas are fine for a Saturday night,

And lions and tigers, they puts up a fight,
But it just ain't the same when you slams your caboose
As the feeling you gets when you humps with a Moose!
I've tried many beasties on land or on sea

I've even tried hump-backs that humped back on me!
Sharks are quite good, tho they're hard to pull loose
But on dry land there is nothing quite like a moose!
Woodchucks are all right except that they bite

And foxes and rabbits won't last thru the night!
Cows would be fun, but they're hard to seduce
But you never need worry should you find a moose!
Step in my study, and trophies you'll find

A black striped tiger and scruffy maned lion
You'll know the elephant by his ivory tooth
And the one that's a-winking, you know is the moose!
The lion succumbed to a thirty-ought-six

Machine guns and tigers I've proved do not mix
The elephant fell by a bomb with a fuse
But I won't tell a soul how I did in the moose!
I've found many women attracted to me

A few of them have had me over for tea
Some say that they love me when they're feeling loose
But I'd trade the world's women for one lovely moose!
The good Lord made Adam, and then He made Eve

Said He: "If you sin now, I'll ask you to leave!"
They left not because of Eve's forbidden fruit
But 'cause Adam decided the moose there were cute!
(more!)
#50
The Moose Song (Cont.)
The English are said to like boars who've had corn

The Celtics just dream of the young Unicorn
The Germans, it's said, just need leather and rope
But give me a moose and I'll no longer mope!
Now I've broken the laws in this god-awful state

They've put me in prison and locked up the gate
They say that tomorrow I'll swing from a noose
But my last night I'll spend with a good sexy moose!
Next morning the Governor's word reached my ears

"We've commuted your sentence to ninety-nine years!"
"You won't get parole; not a five minute's truce,
And your friend goes to Sing-Sing, he's so big-a-moose!"
(slowly) Now that I'm old and advanced in me years,

I'll look back on me life, and I'll shed me no tears,
As I sit in me chair with me glass of Mateuse,
And play hide the salami with Marvin (Millie) the Moose!
OLD DRUBBED DING

-Anonymous
(Tune: "Old Used Queen")
Once I was a swyver of the finest kind, a ruler of the bed

But now I spend my days as an old used thing and I find I'm rubbed too red!
With a hey-ho derry up and down I sing,
never any fun for an old drubbed ding!
My owner spends his time in solemn prayer, and dreams of naked flesh
I spend MY time in clothbound walls getting slapped when we`re too fresh
never some relief for an old drubbed ding!
The other men they sit and talk of baring, thrust and fling
But when I come out the wenches flee, and won't give me a thing
never any girls for an old drubbed ding!
The other ones can rise and dive and frolic near the ass
I'm the Model of Priapus, I'm hard as hell, but must not make a pass!
With a hey-ho derry up and down I sing
never any fun for an old drubbed ding!
But someday soon there'll be a change, in Martin Luther's "rise,"

And the Reformation's opening "shot" will land between his eyes!
With a Hey-ho derry up and down WE'LL sing,
Then there will be FUN for an old drubbed ding!
*
#51
*
ONE-BALL RILEY
-Traditional Irish
As I was sittin by the fire

talking to O'Riley's daughter
suddenly a thought came into my head:
I'd like to shag O'Riley's daughter
(Chorus): Giddy aye ay, giddy aye ay,

giddy aye ay for the one-ball Riley
Giddy aye ay: (three claps or stomps)
try it on yer own big drum!
Her hair was black and her eyes were blue

The Colonel and the Major and the Captain sought her
The Sergeant and the Private and the Drummer boy too
All of 'em shagged O'Riley's daughter!
Riley played on the big bass drum;

Riley had a mind for murder and slaughter
Riley had a bright red glitterin eye
and he kept that eye on his lovely daughter
While walking thru the park one day

Who should I spy but Riley's daughter?
Never a word I had to say
But "Don't you think we really oughter?"
Got me a bottle and a condom too,

got me hands on Riley's daughter
settled me down for a good old time
doin' things we shouldn't oughter
Up the stairs and into bed

I shagged and shagged until I stove her
Never a word that maiden said
just laughed like hell till the fun was over!
Suddenly a footstep on the stair

who should it be but Riley out for slaughter
with two pistols in his hands
lookin for the man that shagged his daughter
Grabbed Old Riley by the ball,

rammed his head in a pail of water
shoved them pistols up his ass
a damn sight quicker than I shagged his daughter!
As I go walkin' down the street

People shout from every corner
There's the randy sonofabitch
That finally shagged Old Riley's daughter!
Now all you lasses, all you maids

Answer me now, and don't speak shyly
Would you have it straight and true
Or the way I gave it to One-Ball Riley?
*
#52
*
OUR BABY DIED LAST NIGHT
Our Baby died last night

It lived for 48 hours
And it cost a hundred dollars
It was a lousy baby, anyway.
His head it turned to mush;

It skwushed between my fingers;
The memory still lingers;
It was a lousy baby, anyway.
Although he tried to bite us

He died for just to spite us
Of spinal meningitus
It was a lousy baby, anyway...
(spoken:) So we ate it.....cold.
*
*
#53
THE POPE
There's a man who lives over the ocean

And who has got a great notion
That he is the World's Greatest Hope
He's Giovanni Montini, the Pope
CHORUS: Giovanni Batista Montini

He lives in the Vatican-nini
He's Italian; he doesn't use soap
He's Giovanni Montini, the Pope!
When Atheists try to distract him

He doesn't let it upset him,
He just makes the High Sign on his chest,
Lets his Boss Man take care of the rest!
No cherub could ever sub-pee-ni

Giovanni Batista Montini
For how can you possibly quibble
With a man who is infalli-bibble?
CHORUS: Giovanni Batista Montini

He lives in the Vatican-nini
And he don't even have to smoke dope
'Cause he's Giovanni Montini
You know who I mean-i
The one with the beanie!
Giovanni Montini, the Pope!
*
#54
*
PLASTIC JESUS
I don't care if it rains or freezes, long as I got my plastic Jesus

Riding on the dashboard of my car
Thru my trials and tribulations, and my travels thru the nations
With my plastic Jesus I'll go far!
Plastic Jesus, Plastic Jesus, riding on the dashboard of my car
Thru my trials and tribulations, and my travels thru the nations
With my plastic Jesus I'll go far!
I don't care if its dark or scary, long as I have Magnetic Mary

Ridin' on the dashboard of my car
I feel I'm protected, amply, got the whole damn Holy Family
Plastic Jesus, Plastic Jesus
But I think he'll have to go, his magnet ruins my radio
And if I have a wreck he'll leave a scar!
Riding down a thoroughfare, with His Nose up in the air

A wreck may be ahead, but He don't mind
Trouble coming He don't see, he just keeps an eye on me
And any other thing that lies behind
Tho the sunshine on His Back makes Him peel and chip and crack
A little patching keeps Him up to par!
When pedestrians try to cross, I just let' em know who's boss

I never blow the horn or give them warning
I ride all over town, a-tryin' to run 'em down!
And its seldom that they live to see the morning
His Halo fits just right, and I use It for a sight!
And they scatter, or they'll splatter near and far!
When I'm in a traffic jam, he don't care if I say "Damn!"

I can let all sorts of curses roll
Plastic Jesus doesn't hear, for He has a plastic Ear
The man who invented plastic saved my soul!
Once His Robe was snowy-white, now it isn't quite so bright
Stained by the smoke from my cigar
If I weave around at night, and the police think I'm tight

They'll never find my bottle, tho they ask
Plastic Jesus shelters me, for His Head comes off, you see:
He's hollow, and I use Him for a flask!
Ride with me and have a dram of the Blood of the Lamb
Plastic Jesus is a Holy bar!
*
#55
PUFF THE JEWISH DRAGON

-Anonymous
(Tune: "Puff the Magic Dragon")
Puff the Jewish dragon, lived in Palestine,

And frolicked in the synagogue and drank Manischewitz wine.
Little Rabbi Goldberg loved that dragon Puff,
And fed him lox and matzoh balls and other kosher stuff.
Then one day it happened, Puff was eating pork,

Little Rabbi Goldberg took that dragon for a walk.
Gently he explained that dragons don't eat meat
That comes from little piggies that have dirty filthy feet.
Then Puff became Bar Mitzvah, put on tefillin every day,

Wrapped up in his tallis that's the way that he would pray;
Made brachos before eating, benched after every meal -
Imagine how religious it made that dragon feel.
Now there were some people who did things just for spite.
They'd curse Jews and attack them just to get into a fight.
When Puff the dragon saw this, he roared a mighty roar -
Now those wicked people are not with us anymore.
Now Puff the Jewish dragon found himself a bride,

Now little kosher dragons are his source of joy and pride.
They'll grow up doing mitzvahs, learning Torah, praying too,
With Rabbi Goldberg teaching them what kosher dragons do.
You who may be listening may think we're making fun,

But deep down in this story is a moral for everyone.
If dragons can wear a kippah, keep Shabbos and Kosher too,
Then you can learn, like Puff did, to be a real good Jew.
*
#56
*
PUFF, THE TRAGIC FAGGOT

-Anonymous
(Tune: "Puff, The Magic Dragon")
Puff, the tragic faggot, went on a spree

And terrorized the people at the Nudist Colony!
Little Jackie Paper, loved that rascal, Puff,
But wished he wouldn't use so much of that "greasy kid stuff!"
CHORUS: Puff, the tragic faggot, went on a spree

And terrorized the people at the Nudist Colony! (2X)
Together they would travel, like a boat with billowed sail

Jackie kept his fingers pressed 'neath Puff's romantic tail
Noble Kings and Princes bowed low whene're they came
Pirates lowered EVERYTHING when Puff roared out his name!
A faggot lives for AGES, but not so little boys;

Ding-a-lings and Faery Rings make way for other toys.
One grey night it happened, Jackie Paper came no more
And Puff, the tragic faggot, he ceased his fearless roar.
His head was bent in sorrow, green tears fell like rain
Puff no longer went to play along the "Cherry" Lane
Without his lifelong friend, Puff could not be brave
So Puff the tragic faggot sadly crept into his cave.
RAMBLIN' HUNCHBACK, or:

THE BALLAD OF RICHARD III
(Tune: "Rye Whiskey")
I am a ramblin' hunchback, I ramble around

I ramble thru your cities, I ramble thru your towns.
I went into a tavern to get me some lunch
Where all the macho stick-jocks made fun of my hunch
Well I said sticks and stones may injure my bones,

But names will never hurt me, so leave me alone!
I was scratchin' my back, and when I looked up,
A blonde, hare-lipped waitress poured coffee in my cup!
It was love at first sight, as my brew I did sip,

She patted my hump, as I caressed her lip!
Lord, I left with that waitress, because, as you see,
The womens all love my deformity!
(Repeat first verse)
*
#57
*
THE RED FLAG

(Tune: "O Tannenbaum," "Maryland," &c.)
While walking 'cross the rocks so bare

I saw a maiden lying there
And as she lay in sweet repose
A breath of wind blew up her clothes
A mongol who was passing by
Lifted his hat and winked his eye
And then he saw, to his despair,
She had the Red Flag waving there!
The mongol would not be denied

He said "By God, I'll slip inside!"
He stripped down to his underwear,
And soon his ass was shining bare
The maiden she was not disturbed
Nor in the slightest bit perterbed
For, come what may, full well she knew,
The brave Red Flag would see her thru!
The mongol he was shivering

His mighty prick was quivering.
But soon he knew he'd met his match,
He could not penetrate her snatch!
Try as he might, his path was blocked,
All he could do was fire half-cocked;
To quit the fray he did prepare,
And leave the goddam Red Flag there!
The moral of this tale is plain,

But pardon me if I explain;
In love, or war - it matters not,
You never, ever waste a shot!
The mongol's judgement was at fault
To penetrate the maiden's vault
With Red Flag flying, let it pass:
Just shove it up the maiden's ass!
OPTIONAL CHORUS:
The peasant class can kiss my ass!

I've got my Peerage, now, at last!
Don't bother me, I cannot work,
I'm in a Peerage Circle Jerk!
*
#58
*
THE RIDDLE
My pretty maid I fain would know

What thing it is will breed delight
That strives to stand, yet cannot go
That feeds the mouth that cannot bite?
Refrain: (repeat after each verse)

With a humble dum grumble dum
humble dum, grumble dum
humble dum, grumble dum, hey!
It is a pretty pricking thing

A pleasing and a standing thing
It was the truncheon Mars did use
A bedward bit which maidens choose
It is a shaft of Cupid's cut

'Twill serve to rove, to prick, to butt
There's never a maid, but by her will,
Will keep it in her quiver still
It is a friar with a bald head

A staff to beat a cuckold dead
It is a gun which shoots point blank
And hits betwixt a woman's flank
It has a head much like a mole's

And yet it loves to creep in holes
The fairest she that e'er took life
For love of this became a wife!
*
#59
*
ROLL YOUR LEG OVER
If all the young ladies were little white rabbits

I'd be a hare and I'd teach 'em bad habits
CHORUS: Roll your leg over, roll your leg over

Roll your leg over and do it again!
If all the young ladies were bricks in a pile

I'd be a mason and lay them in style
If all the young laddies were cocks in the hay

I'd be a hen and I'd have a good lay
If all the young ladies were bats in a steeple

And I were a bat there'd be more bats than people
If all the young ladies were bells in a tower

And I were a clapper I'd bang every hour
If all the young laddies were fine silks and laces

And I were an iron I'd sit on their faces
If all the young ladies were doors of stout wood

And I were a knocker I'd bang 'em up good
If all the young ladies were stones in a mill

And I were some grain, between them I'd spill
If all the young laddies were coconuts sweet

I'd suck out their juices and chew on their meat
If all the young ladies were winds of the sea

I'd be a sail and I'd let them blow me
If all the young ladies were birds in their nests

I'd be an egg and lie under their breasts
If all the young laddies were merry go rounds

I'd mount up and we'd go up and down
If all the young ladies were locks on a gate

I'd be a key and insert and rotate
If all the young ladies were pure as they say

All the young men would be happy.....and gay!
If all the young ladies were big wooden stairs

They'd go up mine and I'd go down theirs
If all the young ladies were bottles of brew

I'd pop their tops with my built in corkscrew
If all the young laddies were bottles of beer

I'd give good head and they'd be of good cheer
(more)
#60
Roll Your Leg Over (cont.)
If all the young ladies were sweet fruits and berries

I'd munch on melons and nibble on cherries
If all the young girls were like fish in a pool

I'd be a shark with a waterproof tool
If all the young girls were like fish in the brookie

I'd be a trout and get me some nookie
If all the young girls were like cows in the pasture

I'd be a bull and fill them with rapture
If all the young girls were like mares in the stable

I'd be a stallion and show them I'm able
I wish all the girls were like statues of Venus

And I were equipped with a petrified penis
If all the young ladies were little red foxes

And I were a hunter I'd shoot up their boxes
If all the young girls were like trees in the forest

And I were a woodsman, I'd split their clitoris
If all the young girls were like telephone poles

I'd be a squirrel and stuff nuts in their holes
If all the young girls were like diamonds and rubies

I'd be a jeweler and polish their boobies
If all the young girls were like coals in the stoker

I'd be a fireman and shove in my poker
If all the young ladies belonged to the Horde

I'd be a yakherd and -never- be bored!
If all the young ladies were singing this song

It would be twice as bawdy, and six times as long!
*
*
#61
*
THE SCA BE DAMNED!

(Tune: "The Engineer's Song")
CHORUS: We are, we are, we are, we are, the goddam SCA

And when we find a willing fuck, then we go out to play!
If you don't like the songs I sing, then you can go get crammed
So sing out with the rest of us, "The SCA be damned!"
Oh, listen all you maidens, oh, listen close to me

Don't ever trust a Hordesman an inch above your knee
He'll take you to the bushes and fill you full of fizz
And before the night is over, your maidenhood is his!
If I had a little girl I'd dress her all in white

To give the clap to Caid's belts and keep 'em up all night
But if I had a little boy, I'd dress him up in blue
To yell "The King's a bastard!" like his daddy used to do!
If we find an Ansteorran man within our sacred walls

We'll give him to the Tuchux, who'll amputate his balls
And if that doesn't fix him up, I'll tell you what we'll do
We'll stuff his ass with broken glass and seal it up with glue!
Oh here's to the King of (insert Kingdom name) the dirty son of a bitch
We hope he dies of syphilis combined with seven year itch
If you take his pecker's radius and project his balls in space
You can prove by Occam's Razor that his asshole is his face!
I was at the Pennsic War a-walkin' on the green

Lookin' for some pussy, and there I found the Queen
Her feet were wavin' in the air, her back was on the grass
With a polished rattan dildo shoved right up her ass!
The West is run by pussy, and the East by hairy crack

The Middle's run by alcohol, and the Horde is run by yak!
From what I hear of Atenveldt, they run it off by hand
And a masturbating son of a bitch is the Asshole of the land!
Ansteorra runs on bullshit, Artemesia runs on quim

Trimaris is run by fairies, that bugger Atlantia's rim!
But Caid's the worst of all, their peckers gather rust
They run the Kingdom off by hand with lots of fairy dust!
If I had a prick of steel, and balls of shiny brass

I'd find a marble statue, and ram it up her ass
Just to breed a race of giants, to roam throughout the land
To swell the mighty chorus of "The SCA be dammned!"
*
#62
*
THE SEA CRABB

(c. 1620) Found in "Bawdy Verse, A Pleasant Collection"
It was a man of Africa had a fair wife,

Fairest that ever I saw the days of my life.
With a ging, Boys, ging, ging, boys, ging.
Tarradiddle, farradiddle, ging, boys, ging!
This goodwife was big-belly'd and with a lad

And ever she longed for a sea crabb.
With a ging, Boys, ging, ging, boys, ging.
Tarradiddle, farradiddle, ging, boys, ging!
The goodman rose in the morning and put on his hose

He went to the seaside and followed his nose.
With a ging, etc.
Says, "God speed, Fisherman, sailing on the sea;

Hast thou any crabbs in thy bote for to sell to me?"
With a ging, etc.
"I have crabbs in my bote one two three.

I have crabbs in by bote for to sell thee."
With a ging, etc.
The good man went home and ere he wist

Put the crabb in the Chamberpot where his wife pisst,
With a ging, etc.
The good wife she went to do as she was wont:

Up started the Crabbfish and catcht her by the cunt.
With a ging, etc.
"Alas," quoth the goodwife, "that ever I was born;

The Devil is in the pisspot and has me on his horns."
With a ging, etc.
"If you be a crabb or crabfish by kind,

Thou'll let thy hold go with a blast of cold wind.";
With a ging, etc.
The good man laid to his mouth and began to blow

Thinking thereby that the Crabb would let go.
With a ging, etc.
"Alas!" quoth the goodman, "that ever I came hither;

He has joined my wife's tail and my nose together!"
With a ging, etc.
The good man called his neighbours in with great wonder

To part his wife's tail and his nose asunder.
With a ging, etc.
*
#63
*
SEVEN NIGHTS DRUNK

-Traditional
-From the singing of Seamus McCafferty
When I came home on Monday night, as drunk as drunk could be

I saw a horse outside the door, where my old horse should be
So I called my wife, (audience shouts: HEY WIFE!)
And I said to her, would you kindly tell to me
Who owns that horse outside my door, where my old horse should be?
Oh, you're drunk, you drunk, you silly old fool,
Can't you plainly see?
That's a lovely sow that my mother sent to me
Well it's many a day I've travelled, a hundred miles or more
But a saddle on a sow I've never seen before!
When I came home on Tuesday night......etc.

Saw a coat behind the door......etc.
....Who owns that coat.....
...that's a lovely blanket...
...But buttons on a blanket....etc.
When I came home on Wednesday night.....etc.

I saw a pipe upon the chair, where my old pipe should be..etc.
....Who owns that pipe.....
...That's a lovely tin-whistle that my mother sent to me!
...But tobacco in a tin-whistle I've never seen before!
When I came home on Thursday night......etc.

I saw two boots beneath the bed.......etc.
....Who owns those boots.......etc.
...They're two geranium-pots...etc.
...But laces in geranium-pots....etc.
When I came home on Friday night......etc.

Saw a head upon the bed......etc.
....Who owns that head.........etc.
...That's a baby boy...etc.
...but whiskers on a baby boy...etc.
When I came home on Saturday night....etc.

Saw a rise beneath the sheets.....etc.
....Who owns that rise......
...It's nothing but a shillelagh...etc.
...But knackers on a shillelagh....etc.
(Alternate lyric: "Hammer" "A hammer with a head like that..")
When I came home on Sunday night...etc.

I saw a man walk out the door, a little after three! (shout: A.M.!)
....Who was that man......after three (shout: A.M.!)
...That's an English tax-man....etc.
...But an Englishman that could last till three....etc.
*
*
#64
*
THE SEXUAL LIFE OF THE CAMEL, or MY GOD HOW THE MONEY ROLLS IN!
-Anonymous
The sexual life of the Camel My cousin sells shields to the Tuchux
Is stranger than anyone thinks The plywood they're made of is thin;
One night in a moment of passion I'm a doggone good Chiurgeon
He tried to deflower the Sphinx! My God, how the money rolls in!
Now, the Sphinx's posterior anatomy My brother is a mercenary

Is covered with sand from the Nile. Hiring out to help you win
That accounts for the hump in the Camel, Since both Kingdoms pay for his wages
And the Sphinx's inscrutable smile! My God, how the money rolls in!
Exhaustive experimentation The East and the Middle are fighting

By Darwin, and Huxley and Hall Trimaris and others join in
Has proved that the ass of a hedgehog The Dark Horde makes book on the winner
Can hardly be buggered at all! My God, how the money rolls in!
The Baron, he rides on a warhorse, Smilin' Ali is looking for people

With a fancy great helluva rig, To travel a long way with him
He doesn't get there any faster, To auctions in old Persian markets
But it makes the old bastard feel big! My God, how the money rolls in!
The King, he sleeps in a feather bed I'm just a poor mercenary

The Knights all sleep in their sacks; I don't care if we lose or we win
As a means of self-preservation, As long as you're still here on payday
The squires all sleep on their backs! My God, how the money rolls in!
And here's to the girls of (insert name) Ioseph of Locksley is Celtic,

And here's to the alleys they roam, Ioseph of Locksley is thin,
And here's to their dirty-faced bastards, Ioseph writes satire to order,
God bless 'em, they may be your own! My God, how the money rolls in!
My father makes illegal whiskey, Petruccio is an Italian

My mother makes illegal gin, He is an expert at Sin
My sister runs guns for the Dark Horde: He has a stable of gerbils
My God, how the money rolls in! My God, how the money rolls in!
My brother's a poor missionary The Dark Horde really likes fighting

He saves little girlies from Sin! We want your side to win
He'll save you a blonde for 5 dollars We've cornered the market on duct tape
My God, how the money rolls in! My God, how the money rolls in!
And here's to the Outlands' new Navy! Elric, he drives a hard bargain
Let's all give them three cheers! While trading for leather or skins
The first submarine made of adobe.... He'll let you keep yours for a cookie!
It's been down for thirty-two years! My God, how the cookies roll in!
So here's to the War at Estrella Elric's a traveling merchant

Where all of us landed in gaol, With a band of his very large friends
And here's to the (insert name) maidens, He'll sell you your lives for your
Who gave us our first piece of tail! silver
My God, how the money rolls in!
*
#65
*
THE SHAPE OF THINGS

-Sheldon Harnick
(copyright date unknown)
Completely round is the perfect pearl

The oyster manufactures
Completely round is the steering wheel
That leads to compound fractures!
Completely round is the golden fruit
That hangs in the orange tree
Yes the circle shape is quite renowned
But sad to say, it can be found
In the low-down dirty run-around
My true love gave to me,
Yes, my true love gave to me!
Completely square was the velvet box

He said my ring would be in
Completely square was the envelope
He said farewell to me in!
Completely square is the handkerchief
I flourish constantly
As it dries my eyes of the tears I shed
And it blows my nose till it turns bright red!
For a perfect square is my true love's head!
He will not marry me!
No, he will not marry me!
Rectangular was the hotel door

My true love tried to sneak thru
Rectangular was the transom-hole
By which I had to peek thru
Rectangular was the hotel room
I entered angrily
And rectangular is the wooden box
Where lies my love of the golden locks
They say he died of the chicken-pox....
In part I must agree:
One chick too many had he!
Triangular is the piece of pie

I eat to ease my sorrow
Triangular is the hatchet blade
I plan to hide tomorrow!
Triangular the relationship
That now has ceased to be,
And triangular is the garment thin
That fastens on with a safety pin
To a prize I had no wish to win....!
It's a lasting memory
That my true love gave to me!
*
#66
THE SHEIK OF HOUSE LOCKSLEY

(Tune: "Sheik of Araby")
I'm the sheik of House Locks-lee (with no pants on!)

Your bod belongs to me! (with no pants on!)
At night when you're asleep, (with no pants on!)
Into your tent I'll creep! (with no pants on!)
And wondrous things you'll see! (with no pants on!)
I'm the sheik of House Locks-lee! (with no pants on!)
nb: the section in (parentheses) is whispered........
THE SLEEPING SCOTSMAN

-Anonymous
(last 2 verses by Rich Bailey)
A Scotsman clad in kilt left a bar one evening fair

And one could tell by how he walked he'd drunk more than his share
He stumbled on until he could no longer keep his feet
Then staggered off into the grass to sleep, beside the street
CHORUS: A ring-di-diddle-e-di do, a-ring-di-diddle-i-day

He staggered off into the grass to sleep beside the street.
(following choruses as above, repeating last line of verse)
A pair of young and lovely girls just happened to come by

And one said to the other, with a twinkle in her eye:
"You see yon sleeping Scotsman, so strong and handsome built..
I wonder if it's true what they don't wear beneath the kilt?"
They crept upon the sleeping Scotsman, quiet as could be,

And lifted up his kilt above the waist, so they could see..
And there, behold, for them to view, beneath his Scottish skirt
T'was nothing but what God has graced him with upon his birth!
They marveled for a moment, then one said: "We'd best be gone.
But let's leave a present for our friend before we move along!"
So as a gift, they left a blue silk ribbon, tied into a bow,
Around the Bonnie Star the Scottish kilt did lift and show!
The Scotsman woke to Nature's Call, and stumbled towards a tree

Behind the bush, he lifts his kilt, and gawks at what he sees!
Then, in a startled voice he says to what's before his eyes:
"I ken na' whaur y'been, m'lad, but I see y'won First Prize!"
Our Scottish friend, still dressed in kilt, continued up the street

He hadn't gone ten yards or more, when a lass he chanced to meet.
She said: "I've heard what's underneath there, tell me, is it so?"
He said: "Just slip your hand up, lass, if y'really want to know!"
So she slipped her hand right up his kilt, and much to her surprise,
The Scotsman smiled, and a very strange look came into his eyes,
She said: "Why, sir, that's gruesome!" And then she heard him roar:
"If you stick yer hand up once again, you'll find it grew some more!"
*
#67
THE SPANISH INQUISITION

-Anthony R. Lewis
(Tune: "MacNamara's Band")
Oh, my name is Torquemada, I'm the leader of the band

Altho we are few in numbers, we are feared throughout the land!
We work on Jews and Protestants, we kick them as they fall,
But when we work on heretics, we work the best of all!
CHORUS: Oh the racks they creak, and the thumbscrews squeak

And the whips they flail away!
The Jesuit slams the Iron Maiden shut
While I sit in the corner and pray!
Oh, the auto-da-fe is God's chosen way
And the screams of the victims are grand
Another soul to Heaven....from Torquemada's band!
*
#68
*
THE SQUIRE'S SONG

-Anonymous
-note: not for the weak-kneed!
Don't laugh when you see a Duke walk by

For you may be the next to die!
To fight with him is suicide

Especially if you "rhino-hide!"
As on the field your helm caves in;

His sword is buried down to your chin!
They'll take you out to the family plot

And there you'll wither, decay, and rot!
They'll take you out, and lower you down,

And men with shovels will gather 'round!
They wrap you up in a big white sheet

And bury you under about six feet!
And all goes well for about a week

And then the coffin begins to leak!
The worms crawl in, the worms crawl out,

The worms hold revels upon your snout!
They call their friends, and their buddies, too,

They'll make a terrible mess of you!
Your body turns a slimey green

And pus runs out like whipping cream!
Your hair turns white, your skin turns blue

You don't look like you used to do!
Your eyes fall in, your teeth fall out,

Your liver turns to sauerkraut!
And great big bugs with eyes of green

Crawl in your liver and out your spleen!
You become a thing that's very rare

A smell worse than your underwear!
So don't laugh when you see a Duke walk by

For you may be the next to die!
*
#69
TAIL TODDLE
-Traditional Scots
recorded by the Mitchell Trio
Our guidwife held o'er to Fife

For tae buy a coal-riddle
Lang or she cam back agin
Tammie gart my tail toddle!
(Chorus): Tail toddle, tail toddle

Tammie gars my tail toddle
But an' ben we diddle-doddle
Tammie gars my tail toddle!
Wen I'm deid I'm out o'date

Wen I'm seik I'm fu' o'trouble
Wen I'm weel I stap about
An' Tammie gars my tail toddle!
Jenny Jack she gae'd a plack

Helen Wallace gae'd a bottle
Quo' the bride "It's o'er little
For tae mend a broken dottle!"
IT TAKES A NASTY MAN

-Braden the Bard
(Tune: "It Takes a Worried Man")
It takes a nasty man, to sing a nasty song (3X)

I'm nasty now, and I'll be nasty all night long!
Every single morning I insist on breakfast in bed

So my Lady wraps her legs around my head!
I say my bedtime prayers when the Mission bell rings eight

O send me, Lord, a girl that wants to fornicate!
They call me short, dark and handsome butI thank God they're wrong
How can I be short, at a full nine inches long?
My Liege Lord says I'm slow, but his daughter doesn't mind
It's 'cause I'm slow, that I get a little behind....!
I've got hair everywhere, from my head down to my feet

And in my mouth it gets stuck between my teeth!
I'll give you some kissin', girl, every single night

If you want more than that, the line forms to the right!
They say you are what you eat, I answer "Is that a fact?"
If that is true, I'm a nymphomaniac!
*
#70
*
TRIMARIAN SHEEP SONG

-Anonymous
(Tune: Scotland the Brave)
Bring me some whiskey, mother

I'm feeling frisky, mother
I need a sheep to keep me warm through the night!
I need a lover, mother
No, not my brother, mother
Gerbils don't make it, mother

They just can't take it, mother
Owls, bats and other critters
Just tend to give me jitters
(bridge) Sheep never talk about it

They never ever doubt it
Always so placid, affectionate and nice!
Give me that lanolin

Better than flannel-in
TRELON, TRELON!
(Tune: "Bicycle Built for Two")
Trelon, Trelon, this isn't very much fun

At Estrella, outnumbered two-to-one!
I'm here to tell you, Buster,
We felt a lot like Custer!
When we got beat
We were cold meat!
Out at Estrella V!
Trelon, Trelon, looks like they did it again

No fun, re-run, as our army they over-ran!
They beat us and they banged us,
They crucified and hanged us,
It's getting old
Them beating us cold
Out at Estrella VI!
*
#71
*
VIRGIN STURGEON
-Anonymous
(Tune: "Ruben, Ruben")
Caviar comes from virgin sturgeon The oyster's a prolific bivalve

Virgin sturgeon's a mighty fine fish Keeps its' innards in its' shell,
Virgin sturgeon needs no urgin' How they diddle is a riddle,
That's why caviar is my dish! But they do, so wotthehell!
Shad roe comes from scarlet shad fish The trout is just a little salmon,
Shad fish have a very sad fate: Just half-grown, and minus scales,
Pregnant shad fish is a sad fish But the trout, just like the salmon
Got that way without a mate! Can't get on without his tail!
Mrs. Clam is optimistic Give a thought to the happy codfish

Shoots her eggs out in the sea Always there when duty calls,
Hopes her suitor is a shooter Female cod fish is an odd fish
Hits the selfsame spot as she! From her come your cod fish balls!
The green sea-turtle's mate is happy A lucky fish is the common starfish
With her lover's winning ways When for offspring they essay;
First he grips her with his flipper Yes, me hearties, they have parties
Then they flip for days and days! In the good old fashioned way!
I fed caviar to my Lady I fed caviar to my grandpa

She was a virgin tried and true He was a man of ninety-three
Now that virgin needs no urgin' Shouts and screams were heard from
Now there's nothin' she won't do! grandma
As he chased her up a tree!
I fed caviar to my rooster Every living thing will do it

I fed caviar to my cow, Without making lots of fuss
Now the barnyard sure looks funny: When they do it, they don't rue it,
All the cows have feathers now! So my darlin', why not us?
VATICAN CASKETS
(Tune: "Rock Of Ages")
Vatican caskets are just fine

Made of sandal-wood and pine
When your loved ones have to go,
Die with "cum Spiritu tuo!"
When your loved one's pass away
Have them pass the Vatican Way!
Sistine Chapel, Saint Peter's, too
Holy water just for you!
Vatican caskets, unlike a rose,

They will never decompose.
For they stand the test of time;
No need to kill the flies with lime!
Get down on your knees and pray
When your loved ones pass away!
Vatican customers all sing:
Death, O Death, where is thy sting?
*
#72
*
THE WAGER
My lady and her maid upon a merry pin,

They made a match at farting,
Who should the wager win.
Joan lights three candles then,

And sets them bolt upright.
With the first fart she blew them out
With the next she gave them light
In comes my lady then,

With all her might and main
And blew them out
And in and out
And in and out again.
WAKE UP LITTLE FLOOZIE

(Tune: "Wake up, Litttle Suzie!")
Wake up, little floozie, wake up!

Wake up, little floozie, wake up!
The Tourney wasn't so hot
And you got drunker than snot!
And now, it's over, I've won the Crown,
And BOY! are we in a spot!
Wake up, little floozie!
Wake up, little floozie!
Well, I told the Duke I wouldn't rhino-hide

Well, floozie, baby, it looks like that I lied!
Wake up little floozie (etc.)
What're we gonna tell the Countess?

What're we gonna tell the BoD?
What're we gonna tell the Duke when he goes
Oh, My Ghod!
Wake up little floozie (etc.)
We gotta go reign!
*
#73
*
WALTZ ME AROUND AGAIN, HROTHGAR!

-Ioseph of Locksley and countless others!
-tune: "Celito Lindo"
A limerick packs laughs anatomical

Into space that is quite economical
But the good ones we've seen
So seldom are clean
And the clean ones so seldom are comical! (T)
(Chorus): Ai, ai, ai, ai!

I am drunker than you are
So sing me another verse
That's worse than the other verse
And waltz me around again, Hrothgar! (I)
A blue ribbon was quite a surprise

To a Scotsman in his native guise
"I don't know where you've been,
Whether good, or in sin....
But I'm glad that you won the first prize!" (I)
While Titian was mixing rose madder

He espied a nude girl on a ladder
Her position, to Titian
Suggested coition
So he climbed up the ladder and had 'er! (T)
A wanton young lady from Wembly

Reproached for not acting quite primly
Answered "Heavens above!"
"I know sex is not love!"
"But it's such an attractive facsimile!" (T)
There once was a knight from the West

Who thought he was the very best
But the ladies just chaffed
And pointed and laughed
And never put him to the test! (U)
A Celt, with a grin, softly said

As he killed all his enemies dead
"These trophies so gory
Are my marks of glory,
It's my enemies giving me head!" (I)
There was a young lass from Bryn Mawr

Who committed a dreadful faux pas
She loosened a stay
In her decollette
Exposing her je ne sais quoi! (T)
There once was an old man of Lyme

Who married three wives at a time
When asked: "Why a third?"
He replied: "One's absurd!"
"And bigamy, sir, is a crime!" (T)
#74
The Revel lasts all of the night
Lords and ladies in finery bedight
The music doth swell
The dancers look well
Once they learn their left foot from their right! (E)
There once was a knight from the Middle

Who wanted to learn how to diddle
In the East, at his ease,
He caught a disease:
And now he can't even piddle! (I)
A randy young man from Caid

Was discovered spreading his seed
In horses and dogs,
In owls and in frogs,
And in two or three slow-moving Swedes! (I)
At least if you're in the Dark Horde

You will never sit 'round being bored
Our ladies, and wives.
Tend to carry sharp knives....
First get their permission, my lord! (U)
A lusty old Duke, at Estrella

Was behaving in ways I won't say-a
In his BVDs
Duct-taped to a tree
He woke up the very next day-a! (I)
Address all unknowns as gentle

Treat ladies as tho' sacramental
Unless their bare arms,
Loose behavior, and charms
Proclaim that their favours are rentals! (E)
Don't ever drink Caidan Blue

It'll getcha as nothing else do!
A pirate one day
Drank two, so they say,
Just look at that boy gork and spew! (I)
There once was a young knight from Kent

Whose thing was so long that it bent!
To save himself trouble
He'd put it in double,
And instead of coming, he went! (T)
The trouble with list'ning to Yang

Was that every damned song the man sang
Was either illicit,
immoral, explicit,
Or in lower Mongolian slang! (E)
There was a young lady named Banker

Who slept with the Corsairs, at anchor!
She awoke in dismay
When she heard someone say:
"Now, up with the top's'l and spanker!" (U)
#75
A serious thought for today
Is one that may cause dismay:
Just what are the forces
That bring little horses
If all the big horses say "Neigh?" (U)
There was a young man from Racine

Who invented a "Doing Machine"
Concave and convex
It could "do" either sex,
But oh, what a bastard to clean! (T)
There was a young couple named Kelly

Who walked around belly-to-belly
Because, in their haste,
They used library paste
Instead of petroleum jelly! (T)
At the Revel last night down in Crewe

I found a large mouse in the stew
Said the waiter "Don't shout,
And wave it about,
Or the King will be wanting one, too!" (T)
There was a young lady named Greene

Who grew so abnormally lean
And flat and compressed
That her back touched her chest
And sideways, she couldn't be seen! (T)
A certain young man from An Tir

Sat down, and cried in his beer,
His lady, he said,
Wore chain-mail to bed
And it took off the hair round his peer (I)
There once was a knight from the Mists

Who cockily entered the lists
A Duke soon uncocked him,
Dehorned and defrocked him,
He got screwed, but never was kissed! (I)
If you kiss enough frogs, so they say,

One might be a Prince, some fine day,
But beware of the dude
Who is uncouth, and lewd:
He's a horny toad, and a bad lay! (I)
A certain young Herald so charming

Had Arms that were very alarming:
A maiden, displayed,
On a bed, disarrayed,
And the motto: "Foreplay is forearming!" (I)
You can fight the Dark Horde, if you wanna

You'll find plenty of blood, guts, and honnah
While you turn them quite green
With your shieldwork supreme
Look out for that left-hand katana! (E)
#76
The East, or the Mid, (It depends!)
Remarks when the Horde condescends
To march into place
With sword, spear and mace:
"Your friends? I thought they were our friends!" (E)
Now Ysgithrs' all in a riot

They've never been peaceful and quiet
We'd turn it to slag
Mop it up with a rag
Or sell it, but nobody'd buy it! (U)
A Meridian lady, they say.

Was made a peculiar way:
She took forty-two strokes
And three dirty jokes
And a gallon of mead every day! (U)
Ansteorra's a place in a rut

Delighted to wallow in smut!
They use dirty socks
To cover their jocks
And do, well, I mustn't say what! (U)
As I gazed at the heavens one night

The cracks in the sky caused me fright!
Pieces came down!
Fell all over town!
I guess Chicken Little was right! (J)
God's plan had a hopeful beginning

But Man spoiled his chances by sinning
We trust that the story
Will end up in Glory
But, at present, the Other side's winning.... (T)
And now we have got to The End

Of this song about Terrible Sin
And if you've been bored
I'm sorry, m'lord
You should NEVER have let me begin! (I)
**************************************************************
Follows are extra verses, and XXX-rated verses to "Waltz Me Around

Again, Hrothgar":
There was a young girl named Alice

Who used dynamite for a phallus
They found her vagina
In South Carolina
And her arse was just this side of Dallas! (T)
A rancid old hermit named Dave

Kept a dead whore in a cave
He said; "I admit,"
"I'm a bit of a shit;"
"But think of the money I save!" (T)
#77
There was a young man from Nantucket
Whose prick was so long he could suck it
Said he, with a grin,
As he wiped off his chin,
"If my ear was a cunt, I could fuck it!" (T)
Now, Jon and Diana one day

Founded the whole SCA
At a Berkeley party
That was very arty
Now it's covered the whole USA! (U)
His Grace (or Her Grace...it depends)

Remarks when the Dark Horde descends
With chickens and goats,
six Serbs and five Croats
"My friends? I thought they were YOUR friends!" (E)
There once was an old maid from Wooster

Who thought that a man had seduced her
When looking around,
She finally found:
'Twas only the bedpost that goosed her! (T)
There was an old lady from Munich

Who was ravished one night by a Eunuch
At the height of her passion
He slipped her a ration
From a squirt-gun concealed in his tunic! (T)
There once was a mighty stick-jock

Who had holes down the length of his cock
When he got an erection
He'd play a selection
From Johann Sebastian Bach! (U)
An attractive young lady named Myrtle

Had quite an affair with a turtle
What is more phenominal
A swelling abdominal
Showed Myrtle the Turtle was fertile! (T)
An unfortunate fellow named Chase

Had an ass that was badly misplaced
He showed indignation
When investigation
Proved that few persons shit thru their face! (T)
A Roman, who hailed from Gazondom

Used a dried hedgehog's hide for a condom
His mistress did shout
As he pulled the thing out
"De gustibus non disputandum!" (U)
There was a young maid from Madras

Who had a magnificent ass
Not pretty, and pink,
As you probably think:
It was grey, had long ears, and ate grass! (S)
#78
A bather, whose clothing was strewed
By breezes, that left her quite nude
Saw a man come along
And, unless I am wrong,
You expect the next line to be lewd! (U)
A habit obscene and unsavoury

Holds the Vicar of Wessex in slavery
With maniacal howls
He deflowers young owls
Which he keeps in an underground aviary! (T)
There was a young harlot from Crewe

Who filled her vagina with glue
She said, with a grin,
"If they pay to get in,
They'll pay to get out of it, too!" (S)
There was a young lawyer named Rex

Who was sadly deficient in sex
Arraigned for exposure
He said, with composure,
"De minimus non curat lex!" (U)
There was an old lady of Tring

Who, when somebody asked her to sing
Replied, "Isn't it odd?
I can never tell 'God
Save The Weasel' from 'Pop Goes The King!" (U)
A young poet, whose name was McMahon

Wrote verse that never would scan
When they said, "But the thing
Doesn't move with a swing,"
He said: "Yes, but I like to get as many words
into the last line as I possibly can! (U)
There once was a Duke from the West

Whose bride wore chain-mail with the best
He said," She is sweet,
And gentle, and neat,
But it pulls out the hairs from my chest!" (I)
There once was a man named Old Jossil

Who found a most int'resting fossil
He could tell by the bend
And the knot in the end,
T'was the pecker of Paul the Apostle! (T)
There once was a man from Rangoon

Who was born by the light of the moon
He had not the luck
To be born of a fuck
But a wet-dream scraped up with a spoon! (T)
There once was a man from Shambock

Who played the bass viol with his cock
With massive erections
He rendered selections
From Johann Sebastian Bach! (T)
#79
There once was a girl from Milpitas
Who had a great yen for coitus
Her athletic friend
Had an itch on the end,
So now she has ath-el-ete's foetus! (U)
There once was a girl from Mobile

Had a cunt made of crucible steel
Her greatest sex-thrill
Was a rotary drill
And an off-center emery wheel! (U)
A broken-down harlot named Truppe

Was heard to confess, in her cups,
"The height of my folly
Was to diddle a Collie,
But I got a nice prize for the pups!" (T)
There once was a man named Grost

Who had an affair with a ghost
He said, with a spasm,
At the height of orgasm,
"I think I can feel it, almost!" (T)
There once was a Corsair named Bates

Who did the fandango, on skates;
He fell on his cutlass
Which rendered him nutless,
And practically useless on dates! (T)
There was a young lady named Cager

Who, as the result of a wager,
Consented to fart
The whole oboe part
Of Mozart's Quartet in F Major! (U)
There was a young lady from York

Who was greatly adverse to the stork
But no matter how firm,
She feared no man's sperm,
For she plugged it up first with a cork! (U)
There was an old Count from Svoboda

Who would not pay a whore what he owed her,
So, with great savoir-faire,
She stood on a chair,
And pissed in his whiskey-and-soda! (T)
There was a young lady from Arden

Who was blowing a man in a garden,
He said, in a huff:
"Do you swallow the stuff?"
She answered him:" (gulp!) Beg your pardon?" (T)
The lovely young Countess of Bole

Had a sense of humor most droll
To a masquerade ball
She wore nothing at all,
And backed in as a Parker House Roll! (T)
#80
There was a young man from old Sparta
Who was a magnificent farta
He could fart anything
From "God Save the Queen,"
To a solo from "La Traviata!" (T)
On the chest of a Countess named Gail

Was tatooed the price of her tail,
And on her behind,
For the sake of the blind,
Was the same information, in Braille! (T)
There was a young man from New Haven

Who had an affair with a raven
Said he, with a grin,
As he wiped off his chin,
"Nevermore!" (U)
A fighter, while armoring up,

Found a lady's brassiere in his cup.
Since his jock strap was gone,
He tied the thing on,
Saying, "Wonder what's holding HER up?" (M)
A lady who liked to brew mead

Made a very strong potion indeed--
When served at the War,
It disabled twelve score,
And the Midrealm was forced to concede! (M)
Hussein, a true servant of Allah,

Converted some poor Viking fella
Saying, "Take my advice,
Seek the true Paradise--
You know what they serve in Valhalla!" (M)
All the lady apes ran from King Kong

For his dong was unspeakably long
But a friendly giraffe
Took his yard-and-a-half
And ecstatically broke into song! (S)
A maiden who lived in Virginny

Had a cunt that could bark, neigh and whinny
The hunting set chased her,
Fucked, buggered, then dropped her
For the pitch of her organ went tinny! (S)
There once was a young girl of Devon

Who was raped in a garden by seven
High Anglican priests -
The lascivious beasts!
Of such is the Kingdom of Heaven.....! (S)
When a woman in strapless attire

Found her breasts working higher and higher
A guest, with great feeling,
Exclaimed "How appealing!
Do you mind if I piss in the fire?" (S)
#81
There was a young lady from Trent
Who said that she knew what it meant
When he asked her to dine
Private room, lots of wine,
She knew, oh, she knew...but she went! (S)
There was a young lady named Hitchin

Who was scratchin' her crotch in the kitchen
Her mother said, "Rose,"
"It's the crabs, I suppose..."
She said, "Yes, and the buggers are itchin'!" (S)
There was a young man of St. James

Who indulged in the jolliest games
He lighted the rim
Of his grandmother's quim
And laughed as she pissed thru the flames! (S)
A fellow whose surname was Hunt

Trained his prick to perform a slick stunt
This versatile spout
Could be turned inside out
like a glove, and be used as a cunt! (S)
There was a young girl from Darjeeling

Who could dance with such exquisite feeling
There was never a sound
For miles around
Save for fly-buttons hitting the ceiling! (S)
A hermit who had an oasis

Thought it the best of all places
He could pray and be calm
'Neath a pleasant date-palm,
While the lice on his pecker ran races! (S)
The last time I dined with the King

He did quite a curious thing:
He sat on a stool
And took out his tool,
And said, "If I play, will you sing?" (S)
The gay young Duke of Buckingham

Stood on the bridge at Rockingham,
Watching the stunts
of the cunts and the punts,
and the tricks of the pricks that were fucking 'em! (S)
A mathematician named Ball

Had a hexahedronical ball,
And the cube of its' weight
Times his pecker, plus eight,
Was four-fifths of five-eighths fucking all! (S)
There was a young student of Trinity

Who shattered his sister's virginity
He buggered his brother,
Had twins by his mother,
And took double honours in Divinity! (S)
#82
There was a young fellow named Scott
Who took a girl out on his yacht
But, too lazy to rape her,
He made darts of brown paper,
Which he languidly threw at her twat! (S)
There was a young lady from Exeter

So pretty, that men craned their necks at her
One went so far
As to wave from his car
The distinguishing mark of his sex at her! (S)
There was a young fellow named Kimble

Whose prick was exceedingly nimble
But fragile and slender
And dainty and tender
So he kept it enclosed in a thimble! (S)
An organist, playing at York,

Had a prick that could hold a small fork,
And, between obligattos,
He'd munch at tomatoes
To keep up his strength while at work! (S)
As the she-wolf and lioness feel

For their cubs, so the Knight for his steel.
When looking at such
Ask leave ere you touch
Or instead of seeing, you'll feel. (C)
Be still when a Bard holds the hall.

Join the dancing or stand by the wall.
Don't boast of your might
Till you learn how to fight
Or after or ever at all. (C)
There once was a girl with a torso

Like Jessica Rabbit's but more so!
Her only complaint
Was because Ink and Paint
Gave each of her tits its own floor show! (K)
There once was a Corsair named Sue

Who preferred a stiff drink to a screw
But one leads to the other
And now she's a mother
Let this be a lesson to you! (A)
Every time Her Majesty swoons

Her boobies pop out like balloons!
But the King, he stands by,
With hauteur in his eye,
And puts them back gently with spoons! (A)
There once was a tart from Madrid

Who learned she was having a kid.
By holding her water
Three months and a quarter,
She drowned the poor bastard, she did! (T)
#83
From the depths of the crypt at St. Styles
Came a scream that resounded for miles
Said the Vicar, "Good gracious!"
Has Father Ignatius
Forgotten the Bishop has piles?" (A)
A Countess once had an affair

With a Lord that was covered with hair
Then she picked up his hat
And realized that
She'd been diddled by Smokey the Bear! (A)
Said an oversexed Duchess named Lou

Who admitted to age fourty-two
"I just love this sweet precious
menopause that refreshes!
Now I don't give a damn what I do!" (A)
Said a Caidan big-busted siren

"Cavaliers are so cute, I must try 'em!"
She came home in the nude,
Stewed, screwed, and tattooed
With lewd pictures, and poems by Byron! (A)
When Godiva rose out on her horse-o

She displayed quite a lot of her torso
A crowd soon collected,
The ladies objected
But the men cried "We'd like to see more so!" (A)
A young castle-protecting alarmer

Considered himself quite the charmer
Said the maiden, demure,
"This is pleasant, I'm sure,
But why don't you take off your armor?" (A)
There was a young couple named Neville

Whose habits were very medieval
They would strip to the skin
And each take a pin
And pick lint from the other one's navel! (A)
A maiden out walking with Peers

Once suddenly burst into tears
When they asked her the reason,
She said, "I have fleas on
My ass, and my boobs, and my ears!" (A)
A Laurel who used strong perfume

Once kept a baboon in her room
"It's how I excite
My Atenveldt knight!"
But she never would specify whom! (A)
The heralds are all beyond price

They dabble in all kinds of vice
They have virgins, and boys,
And mechanical toys,
And on Sundays they meddle with mice! (A)
#84
Despite their exotic mystique
Arab girls are really quite meek!
If a mouse shows its head
They will jump into bed
With a terrible, blood-curdling Sheik! (A)
A hooker that Corsairs thought sweet

Was selling her twat on the street
While ambling one day,
In a casual way,
She clapped up the whole pirate fleet! (U)
A remarkable race are the Persians

They have such peculiar diversions
They make love all day
In the usual way,
And they save up the (k)nights for perversions! (A)
Said a Viking, in the heat of Bombay,

"I have prayed for a lay the whole day!
Now I'll have one, I vow,
With the first sacred cow
That looks gentle and gets in my way!" (U)
Said Queen Isabella of Spain,

"I'd like it just now and again,
But please let me explain,
By 'now and again,'
I mean NOW, and AGAIN! and AGAIN! (U)
A Duchess with features cherubic

Was famed for her area pubic
When they asked her its size,
She exclaimed in surprise:
"Do you want that in square feet...or cubic?" (U)
A Tuchux girl loves not her lover

So much as she loves his love of her
Then loves she her lover
For love of her lover
Or for love of her love of her lover? (U)
A West Kingdom knight I'm not namin'

Asked a wench that he thought he was tamin'
"Have you your maidenhead?"
"Don't be foolish!" she said,
"But I still have the box that it came in!" (U)
A Cavalier lady named Mabel

Once said, "I don't think that I'm able,
But I'm willing to try
So where shall I lie?
On the bed, on the floor, or the table?" (U)
T'was a randy young wench down in Dover

Whose passion was such that it drove her
To cry when you came
"Oh dear! What a shame!
Methinks that we'll have to start over!" (U)
#85
An Atlantian wierdo named Will
Made his neighbors exceedingly ill
When they learned of his habits
Involving white rabbits
And a bird with a flexible bill! (U)
A lascivious Scotsman from Neap

Remarked as he ravished a sheep
"I'm hoping I shall
Someday hump a gal,
But they're neither as tight, nor as cheap!" (U)
119 verses last update: 08/29/91
* note: there are HUNDREDS of verses to this song.......
(T): Traditional (U): Unknown source (I): Ioseph of Locksley

(E): East Kingdom Songbook (S): Singapore Hash House Harriers
(J): John Benson (M): Marian Greenleaf (C): Cariadoc of The Bow
(K): Charlie Kellner (A): Ardjukk Afraid-of-His-Cats
*
#86
*
THE WESTMINISTER WHORE

(c. 1610) Found in "Bawdy Verse, A Pleasant Collection"
As I went to Westminister Abby

I saw a younge Wenche on her backe,
Cramminge in a Dildo of Tabby
Into her Cunt Till 'twas ready to crack.
"By your leave" said I, "Pretty Maid,

Methinks your sport is but drye?"
"I can get no better" she said; "Sir,
And I'll tell you the reason why."
"Madame P. hath a Thing at her breech,

Sucks up all the scad of the Town;
She's a damn'd lascivious Bitch
And fucks for half-a-Crown."
"Now, the Curse of a Cunt without Hair

And ten thousand Poxes upon her;
We pore whores may go hang in dispaire;
We're undone by the Maydes of Honour."
Then in Loyalty, as I was bound,

Hering her speak in this sort.
I fuckt her thrice on the ground,
And bid her speak well of the Court.
*
#87
*
WHAT'S IT ALL ABOUT?

(Monty Python)
Whenever life gets you down Mrs. Brown,

And things seem hard or tough,
And people are stupid, obnoxious, or daft,
And you feel that you've had quite enough...
Just remember that you're standing on a planet that's evolving,

And revolving at nine-hundred miles an hour.
That's orbiting at nineteen miles a second, so it's reckoned,
A sun that is the source of all our power.
The Sun, and you and me, and all the stars that we can see,
Are moving at a million miles a day,
In an outer spiral arm, at forty thousand miles an hour,
Of the galaxy we call the Milky Way.
Our galaxy itself contains a hundred billion stars,

It's one hundred thousand light years side to side.
It bulges in the middle, sixteen thousand light years thick,
But out by us it's just three thousand light years wide.
We're thirty thousand light years from galactic central point,

We go round every two hundred million years,
And our galaxy is only one of millions of billions (and billions...)
In this amazing and expanding universe.
The universe itself keeps on expanding and expanding

In all of the directions it can whiz.
As fast as it can go, the speed of light you know,
Twelve million miles a minute, and that's the fastest speed there is.
So remember when you're feeling very small and insecure,

How amazingly unlikely is your birth,
And pray that there's intelligent life somewhere up in space,
Because there's bugger all down here on earth.
*
#88
*
YOUNG FOLKS, OLD FOLKS

-Traditional
CHORUS: Young folks, old folks, everybody come

Come to the Sunday School and have a lot of fun
Bring a stick of chewing gum and park it at the door
(Please check your chewing gum and razors at the door)
And we'll tell you Bible stories like you never heard before!
God made the world in six days and rested on the seventh
According to the contract, it should have been the eleventh
But the carpenters were out on strike, the masons wouldn't work
So the foremen dug a hole and they filled it up with dirt
When they finished with the firmament they started on the sky
They hung it overhead and they left it there to dry
They studded it with stars made of pretty angel's eyes
To give us a little light when the moon forgot to rise
God made Satan, Satan made sin

God made a hot place to put Satan in
Satan didn't like it so he said he wouldn't stay
He's been acting like the devil ever since that very day!
Adam was the first man that ever was invented

Along came Eve, and then he was contented
Then came the Serpent, knocking at the door
Eve et the apple, and Adam et the core!
Adam was a gardener and Eve, she was his spouse

They got the sack for stealing fruit and went to keeping house
They lived a very quiet life, and peaceful in the main
Until they had a baby and they started raising Cain!
Adam was the first man, we all do believe

He had a wife and her name was Eve
She was fair to look upon, and oh how she could dance
And her dress was made of shredded wheat, and so were Adam's pants
Adam had two sons who didn't quite agree

The psychiatrists they conferred and said " 'Twas sibling rivalry!"
One day young Cain got angry, and somehow lost his head
Took out his Colt revolver and filled Abel full of lead!
Noah was a mariner and sailed around the sea

With half a dozen wives and a whole menagerie
He tried his hand a fishing so the Bible tale confirms
But he didn't have much luck 'cause he only had two worms!
Methuselah was crabby 'cause he couldn't take a joke

He had all the makings of an old and seedy bloke
His whiskers got so long that he couldn't see ahead
If he'd tucked in all the covers he could have used them for his bed!
Methuselah got famous, for he refused to die

"When ya gonna croak?" they asked, he answered, "Bye and bye!"
And when they pressed him for the date, Methuzy whispered "Hush!"
Then laughing thru his whiskers, he hollered "What's the rush?"
#89
Esau was a cowboy, a wild and wooly rake
Half the ranch belonged to him, and half to brother Jake
Now Esau thought the title to the property weren't clear
So he sold out to his brother for a sandwich and a beer
Onan, son of Judah, was a melancholy kid;

He'd jerk and jerk and jerk and jerk, and that was all he did.
But the Lord got angry, when Onan shunned his mate
So awfully hipped on self-abuse, he wouldn't fornicate!
Joseph was a shepherd and he kept his father's goats

His Daddy used to dress him in the very loudest coats
His brothers they got jealous and they threw him in a well
Joseph went to Heaven and the others went to -----
Joseph was a pretty boy, a very handsome kid

His boss' wife she eyed him, and straight'way flipped her lid
She grabbed him by his you-know-what, and sat him on her lap
But Joey wouldn't fall for that - he knew she had the clap!
Moses was a prophet, they found him by a brook

He was found by Pharaoh's daughter when she went in for a look
She took him home to Father, said she found him by the shore
Pharaoh merely smiled and said "I've heard that one before!"
Moses was a wise old bird who knew some fancy tricks
The 'gyppos tried some phoney stuff with magic walking sticks
Old Pharoah he pursued him, and the Israelites did flee
But Moses hexed the army, and drowned 'em in the sea!
Moses was the leader of the Israelitic flock,

He used to get spa water just by tapping on a rock.
But then, from the multitude there came a mighty cheer,
For instead of getting water, he got Foster's Lager beer!
Joshua was a jazz cat - the greatest ever born

The wall of Jericho fell down when he blew on his horn
Pursuing all his enemies, he made the sun stand still
The sun it wouldn't listen, so he nailed it to a hill!
Here comes Ruth just looking all around

Just like the girls in my home town
Didn't wear any lipstick, or powder on her nose
But she got a fella, as everybody knows!
Meshach, Shadrach and Abednego

Told the King of Babylon where he could go
He put them in the furnace, and gave the door a slam
But they wore asbestos BVD's and didn't give a....hoot
Daniel was a stubborn man who wouldn't mind the King

The King said he'd nver heard of such a naughty thing!
Put Daniel in the lion's den, with Daniel underneath
But Daniel was a dentist, and he pulled the lion's teeth!
Salome was a dancer and she danced before the King

She wiggled and she wobbled and she shook most everything
"But" said the King, "We must have no scandal here!"
"The hell we won't!" Salome said, and kicked the chandelier!
#90
Samson was a guy from the P.T. Barnum school
He used to lift five hundred pounds as strongman in the show
'Til a lady named Delilah got him all fixed up with gin
They caught him bald-headed and the coppers ran him in!
But Samson wasn't satisfied, the pace got in his hair

He mooned around when the act was on and set himself a chair
He'd slain ten thousand Philistines with the jawbone of a mouse
But that weight-lift act of Samson's brought down the house!
Solomon was a wise man, he had a lot of cash

Queen of Sheba came along, and Solly made a mash
I guess he thought that royalty was rather underpaid
For he took to writing proverbs, tho he was a King by trade!
Jeremiah was a wailer who cried both night and day

He bawled and bawled just bucketsful, and cried his eyes away
They asked him "Whatcha cryin' for?" He grabbed a handkerchief
"The worst, dear friends, has happened: my pecker won't get stiff!"
Elijah was an astronaut, a very clever flyer

He winged up to heaven in a chariot of fire
But when he reached the Pearly Gates, the Lord began to frown;
"Now listen here, Elijah, just haul those cinders down!"
Elijah was a prophet and he worked the County Fairs

He advertised his act with a set of dancing bears
He held a sale of prophecies 'most every afternoon
And he went up every evening in a gaudy silk balloon
Ahab had a lovely wife, her name was Jezebel

While hanging out the clothes one day, down off the roof she fell
"Your wife has gone all to the dogs," was what they told the King
But Ahab said he'd never heard of such a doggone thing!
Jonah was an emigrant, so runs the Bible tale

He took a steerage passage on a transatlantic whale
Jonah in the belly of the whale felt quite compressed
So he pushed a little button and the whale did the rest!
Goliath was a giant, and he was a rowdy cuss

Went around the countryside, looking for a fuss
When he saw David, he laughed till he bust
Then David heaved a rock and socked him on the crust!
John was a Baptist, whose look was hot as fire

He took one look at Salome and filled her with desire
She propositioned Johnny, but he wouldn't go to bed
So Johnny lost that piece of tail, and also lost his head!
Paul was a salesman who travelled far and wide

But tho he was a bachelor, he never went for hide
He scorned every female, and preached that sex was out
And 'twas all because Paul's peter was afflicted with the gout!
There are plenty of these Bible tales, I'll tell you more tomorrow
How Lot with the wife and family fled from Sodom and Gomorrah
But his wife turned to salt, to her very great dismay
And Lot moved out to the suburbs of L.A.!
------
#91
EXTRA AND VARIANT VERSES:
God made Satan, and Satan made sin.

God made a cubbyhole to put Satan in.
Satan got mad and said he wouldn't stay.
The Lord said "You gotta, 'cause you can't get away."
Adam was the first man that ever was invented

He lived out his life and never was contented
He was made all out of mud and that's no lie
They hung on a fence in the sun to dry
Adam was the first man, Eve she was a mother

Cain was a wicked man because he slew his brother
Samson was a strong man, Noah built the Ark
Jonah was a fisherman got swallered by a shark
Adam was the first man, Eve was his spouse,

They stopped eating fruit and set to keeping house
All was going pretty well, until the baby came
And then they started in a-raising Cain!
Adam was the first man, Eve was his spouse

They started in the Garden, together keeping house
All was going pretty well, until the baby came
And then they started in a-raising Cain!
Noah was a carpenter, walking in the dark

Stumbled on a hammer, and built himself an Ark
The rain came down in showers fine
And the Ark sailed away on scheduled time
Noah was a mariner and sailed around the sea

With half a dozen wives and a whole menagerie
He failed the first season when it rained for forty days
In that knd of weather, a circus never pays!
Jonah signed up for a transatlantic sail

He spent three days in the belly of a whale
Jonah got bored, and the whale got depressed
So Jonah pushed the button and the whale did the rest
Salome was a dancer and she danced the hootchy-cootch

She danced before the King and he liked her very much
"But" said the King, "We must have no scandal here!"
"The hell we won't!" Salome said, and kicked the chandelier!
Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego

Wouldn't obey the King and so they had to go
Put 'em in a furnace to burn 'em up like chaff
But they had asbestos BVD's and gave the King a laugh!
*
#92
This is the Alphabetical Version of the bawdy/rotten songs

of the Black Book Of Locksley. This has been compiled by
Ioseph of Locksley, PO Box 35190, Phoenix, AZ 85069, who is
always interested in more lyrics to any of the above songs,
or other songs that he might not have. Feel free to sing
these where ever you want to, but use discretion with these
songs, as some or all of them may offend your listeners.
Updates to this file will be periodically made available.

This file was finished in September of 1991.
*****************

Bardic X

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BEING THE ALPHABETICAL INDEX TO THE BAWDY AND OTHERWISE AWFUL,

IRREVERENT AND IRRESPONSIBLE SONGS OF THE BLACK BOOK OF LOCKSLEY

Abdul el Bulbul, Emir................................Pg

Ball of Ballyknure, The..............................Pg

Christianity Hits The Spot...........................Pg

Farting Contest, The.................................Pg

God Rest Ye Unitarians...............................Pg

Has Anybody Seen My Lord?............................Pg

Kingdom That Swallowed A Lie, The....................Pg

Old Drubbed Ding.....................................Pg

Puff, The Tragic Faggot..............................Pg

Ramblin' Hunchback, or the Ballad of Richard III.....Pg

SCA Be Damned, The...................................Pg

ABDUL EL BULBUL, EMIR!

In the harems of Egypt it's good to behold

A traveling brothel came into the town

Abdul the Bulbul arrived with his bride

A day was arranged for the spectacle great;

They met on the track with their tools hanging slack

The cunts were all shorn, and no rubbers adorned

When Ivan had finished, he turned to the Greek,

When Ivan was done, and was wiping his gun,

The crowd loudly howled that it was a foul,

The fair Grecian maiden a sad vigil keeps

AGAINST ALL FLAGS

Oh, the SCA is the kind of play

Oh the Chivalry are very "twee,"

Oh the Great Dark Horde doesn't have a sword

ALWAYS LOOK ON THE BRIGHT SIDE OF LIFE!

Cheer up, Brian. You know what they say.

If life seems jolly rotten

And...always look on the bright side of life...

For life is quite absurd

Life's a piece of shit

And always look on the bright side of life...

THE ANCIENT AND OLD IRISH CONDOM

I was up to me arse in the muck, Sir,

T'was a box of the finest old oak, Sir,

Now I opened the lid of this box, Sir,

T'was an ancient and old Irish condom

Now, I cast me mind back thru the ages

And I thought that I heard Brian whisper

THE BALLAD OF STARK UNBELIEF

Now, peerages are given for a reason

Awards are given out to the deserving,

"Nepotisim" is a word we've never heard of,

Oh the King is up there, sitting in the Throne Room,

The BoD is doing something I'm not sure of,

Oh the Ball, the Ball of Ballyknure

(chorus) Wha' do ya, lassie?

The Queen was in the parlour, eatin bread and honey

The village idiot he was there, a-sittin' by the fire

The Kingdom Herald, he was there, whattya think o'that?

The fubba-wubbas they were there, sittin' all alone

John the Blacksmith he was there, he wouldna play the game

The village Constable he was there, now whattya think o'that?

It started out so simple-like: each lad and lassie mated

Four and twenty virgins came down from Cuinimore

Clan MacChluarain, they were there, sleepin in the shade

The village pervert he was there, scratchin' at his crotch

The Kingdom Seneshal was there, linin' 'em up in rows

The old schoolteacher he was there, he diddled by rule-of-thumb

The village chimney-sweep was there, a really filthy brute