Michael Nir - Silent Influencing - Employing Powerful Techniques For Influence and Leadership

Silent Influencing
It is the change of the behavior and the context of the

change that you must focus on
Michael Nir
Over 100,000 copies sold
Third Kindle Edition 2014 by Michael Nir

Ebook ISBN: 978-0-9846332-7-2
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Silent Influencing
Employing Powerful Techniques for Influence and
Leadership
A Practical Guide - Preface
This book is based on a professional keynote presentation, which in
turn is based on observations, seminars, workshops, practical training
and one-on-one Gestalt therapy coaching.
Congratulations, I am really happy that you chose to take a step forward
to become a silent influencer. This amazing book is for you wherever
you work; a self-employed business owner negotiating with clients and
suppliers, a small or medium business, a mega-fortune 100 corporation,
and even at home with your spouse, siblings and children. Whether you
are the manager of a team or part of the team -- virtual or collocated -you need to create deliverables in a matrix environment.
It has relevance to you whether you are in engineering, IT, sales and
marketing, operations, human resources, research and development,
support or maintenance at financial institutions, the food industry,
service, telecom, automotive, consulting, high tech, low tech, software,
or internet work. Remember, your family is also a team.
I know it is difficult, youve read many leadership books and attended
numerous communication workshops with little results; however, this
tested book is unique and will definitely make a difference! It combines
knowledge from many disciplines such as NLP, Gestalt, body language
and observation of over 20 years in one cohesive approach and includes
many practical exercises.
It provides you leverage to influence and lead humans. So if you wish to
increase your influence and leadership aptitude quickly, as well as,
easily gain an exceptional advantage in an ever-changing competitive
environment, then this book is for you.
What readers say about this book:

.So what's new with Mr. Nir's book? Practicality. Mr. Nir
demonstrates the use of each new bit of knowledge
immediately after describing it. Certain postures mean
certain things, that's fine, but Mr. Nir tells you what to *do*.
He makes theoretical knowledge into actionable information.
And he keeps it simple. No long-winded dissertations, just
"here's how it works, here's what you do." Over the course of
a long business career (nearly 40 years), I've learned
probably all of these things; you have to learn them to have
half a chance of success. Everything Mr. Nir says rings true
to me and matches my experience. But it took me a long time.
If I had had this book 30 years ago, it would have
accelerated things immensely and made a huge difference.
Bottom line: this is a very helpful and practical little

manual that will be of benefit to just about anyone in
business today. .
..This is a really practical guide taking theoretical
concepts and putting them into practice by means of useful
exercises pictures sketches
..The author does a very good job in defining exercises
for what otherwise are theoretical concepts. I especially like
the exercise of the mirror through which I gained a lot of
perception and how I deal with the surroundings...
.Not your run-of-the-mill body language guide. The
author is both serious and joyful and playful which makes
this book a joy to read. The numerous graphics by the very
gifted illustrator are funny .
.Finally someone had the courage to write down Gestalt
exercises with a leadership and body language book, this
makes the concept and theory much more engaging
motivating and empowering I give it two thumbs up.
.I think that Michael Nir's book, is a well-written book
with excellent editing. (I review a lot of books and it's all too
seldom that I can say that!) The chapters are clearly divided
and the exercises are simple and easy to follow. There are
many people who could benefit from the information in this
book. I was watching The Colbert Report last night after I
had just finished the book and I noticed that he constantly
points his fingers (he uses both hands) to emphasize his
points. I never noticed that before and got a kick out of
noting it because he is most definitely a leader and is always
in control of his environment..
.If you are interested in improving your influencing skills
through body language, and are not afraid of getting up from

the chair and making faces and gestures in front of a mirror
- this is the book for you. Through a series of exercises and
questions, Michael will guide you through a hard long look
at yourself, critically evaluating your body language...
..This was not the first book I have read on body
language and clearly there is only so far one can get in a
relatively slim volume on this complex subject; I was
impressed by this book. What brought this work to life were
the excellent demonstrative graphics and the humour. The
graphics lifted the words from abstraction to reality. It is a
tough balance when the conversation moves to influencing
versus potentially ending up manipulating, but again
Michael Nir keeps this balance through careful and
professional approaches to interacting with colleagues. A
nice book and a splendid introduction, I would love to see
the next level. .
About the Author

Michael Nir - President of Sapir Consulting - (M.Sc. Engineering) has
been providing operational, organizational and management consulting
and training for over 15 years. He is passionate about Gestalt theory and
practice, which complements his engineering background and
contributes to his understanding of individual and team dynamics in
business. Michael authored 8 Bestsellers in the fields of Influencing,
Agile, Teams, Leadership and others.
Michael's professional background includes significant expertise in the
telecoms, hi-tech, software development, R&D environments and
petrochemical & infrastructure industries. He develops creative and
innovative solutions in project and product management, process
improvement, leadership, and team building programs.
Michael's background is analytical and technical, however, he has a
keen interest in human interactions and behaviors. He holds two
engineering degrees from the prestigious Technion Institute of
Technology: a Bachelor of civil engineering and a Masters of Industrial
engineering. He has balanced his technical side with the extensive study
and practice of Gestalt Therapy and "Instrumental Enrichment," a
philosophy of mediated learning. In his consulting and training
engagements, Michael combines both the analytical and technical world
with his focus on people, delivering unique, and meaningful solutions,
and addressing whole systems
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Illustrations: Philip Pekar
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Thanks
This book would have never been written without the aid of Mr. Winter,
confining me indoors and keeping me away from mountain biking in the
hills. Thanks as well to the usual suspects: family, friends, colleagues
and, of course, people wherever who have been, and still are, the subject
of my observations.
Preface to the 2nd edition
I take comments from my readers seriously. When I read a comment
about editing and flow, I was initially upset; however it also drove me
into action. I re-read the book and oh boy, was he write, hmm just
kidding right.
I edited the book (fourth time already), deleted some content, added
clarifications and endeavored to increase the flow. I hope the result is a
better product.
I also noticed that I mentioned Gestalt a few times. On the one hand I
dont want to instruct you read another book of mine to learn about
Gestalt, as it is a cheap marketing ploy (which I find improper). On the
other hand I dont want to upset the structure of this book. Therefore I
opted to take the part I think is relevant to this book and added it at the
end in this second edition.
Enjoy
Michael
Contents
About this Guide
Chapter 1: Revealing - Silent Influencing and Leadership--The not so
learned Art
Exercise #1: The Mirror--An Awareness Exercise
Observing Clusters
Maintaining Context
Exercise #2: Awareness in Context
Influencing across cultures
Chapter 2: Reliably Influencing through your Hands
The hands always communicate
Hand presentation
The hand forward palm upward
The hand forward palm downward
The hand balled to a fist presentation
Exercise #3: Hand and palm presentations
Combining palm positions in introductions
To have an equal handshake that conveys equality, the hand has to
be vertical to the ground
What should you do to outmaneuver a weak inferior handshake
position
What if you want to move away from a weak inferior handshake
position
Guidelines for how to influence through introductions
Exercise #4: Continue these introductions
Chapter 3: Important! Recognizing and Utilizing Stress, Resentment,
and Inconsistent Behavior
Exercise #5: Recognizing personal stress and inconsistencies
Hand and finger position

In your face
Covering the mouth with one hand
Covering the eyes
Scratching the nose
Scratching the ear
Scratching the side of the neck
Chapter 4: Tested - Influencing Silently--Integrating for Powerful
Results
Hands in the pockets
Fist
A hand curled into a fist is a gesture of violence and can actually be
a sign of a coming physical blow.
Folded hands
Standing up with folded hand
Sitting down with folded hand and legs crossed
A word about legs
I am the BOSS
Exercise #6: Gestures and Behaviors
Chapter 5: Ultimately - Ready, Set, Action--Creating change
Instilling Readiness
Appearing smart
Influencing Through Surrounding Space
Changing Difficult Settings
Silently Influencing Conclusion
2nd edition update a glimpse into Gestalt
The Magic of Simple Gestalt Concepts
3rd edition update what is and what isnt
Before you go.
About this Guide
Ive known about silent influencing from a very young age. As a child, I
was able to read peoples intentions and inner sentiments. This for
instance occurred as I was riding the bus to the library and watching
people climbing in and out. I remember the business-lady handing her
ticket money to the driver waiting expectantly for the change. I
remember the well-dressed gentleman who, upon sitting, spread his legs
out comfortably apart, then thoughtfully began reading the newspaper. I
remember the teenage girls making a big racket as they sat down
together chewing their bubble gums in what seemed like a rebellious
conspiratorial act.
These casual interactions are preserved well in my memory. So what?
Good question.
With time, I learned about people and behaviors, about NLP, Gestalt
therapy of contact and process, and more. I also completed a couple of
engineering degrees: civil and industrial. I studied about process,
frameworks, machines, companies and industries.
I matured and entered the business world after my studies. As I founded
my own company, I experienced the added value of preempting
behaviors, of reading intentions and guiding people towards mutual
goals, and of being able to influence silently.
Often I sense what people are about to say, whether they are supporting
the decision or opposing it, how comfortable they are with a solution, is
a proposal unsatisfactory, or if it may be accepted, and if people are
being honest.
I explored influence techniques, Gestalt psychology, prospect theories,
behavioral economics, and decision making. I tested the concepts
presented in the guide on myself and on other willing participants
during trainings I have been conducting globally.
I would like to share with you my combined experience and personal
perspectives in this guide.
A few things before we begin:
This is a guide--a 'how to get there' book. Therefore, as you read, I will
ask you to practice with exercises. This is necessary for your progress;
make sure you perform these exercises several times.
This book draws on my experience using many techniques; some of you
might have heard or seen them elsewhere. However, the way they are
integrated and synthesized is unique.
Chapter 1: Revealing - Silent

Leadership--The not so learned Art
Influencing
and
Alfred the great, king of Wessex received little formal

schooling. However, he was quite intuitive and imaginative,
even as a child. One day, his mother held a rare book in her
hands, saying to him and his elder brothers that whoever
learnt the book the fastest would own it. Although young
Alfred couldn't read, he desired the book for himself.
Forestalling his brothers, he persuaded someone to read and
explain the book to him and then repeated it to his mother,
winning the book (Bartlett's Anecdotes).
Reflecting on our school years, starting with the first grade, we
primarily develop cognitive skills. We learn the alphabet; assisted by
colorful aids that illustrate squirrels jumping on letters, elephants
drinking from the ABC pool, and monkeys pulling words. Later on, we
discover the mathematical language; at times we might learn an
additional foreign language, arts, history, physical education and so on.
Most of us spend 12 years studying in school, thus acquiring knowledge
consisting mainly of words. Sometimes we gain certificates attesting to

our level of education. Our studies emphasize by and large the cognitive
domain. This is repeated at college and university. We hardly ever touch
upon the affective domain. (According Bloom's Taxonomy of
educational objectives learning within education systems can be
classified into three domains: cognitive, psychomotor and affective. the
affective domain describes emotional reactions and feelings. [1].)
Is it a wonder that, when going out to the 'real world' we struggle with
the soft elements of our role? We find it difficult to obtain the title
position we truly want, we miss out on the possible career advance, we
can't negotiate a raise successfully, our proposals are forgotten, our
teams aren't motivated, and we find it difficult to get our messages
across.
I will actively support you with developing your silent influencing and
leadership skills. It is a mutual journey for us. While our
communication in the book is one way, I hope you are able to hear my
voice as you are working through the exercises.
Let's start with an introductory exercise.

The first step in achieving silent influencing has to do with our personal
awareness. We seldom physically see ourselves as we truly are,
therefore, this exercise increases personal awareness to how we
materially occupy and use the physical dimension.
Stand in front of a mirror so that you are able to view yourself entirely.
Be sure to breathe while performing this exercise.
Reflect on the following:
Is there a more attractive side (left/right) of your face?
Is your stance symmetrical? Are you taller on one side?
What do you notice regarding your posture?
Where do you place your hands?
Where is your torso situated in respect to your hips and pelvis?
How are your knees situated in relation to each other to your feet and
the ground?
Slowly count to twenty, making sure you keep breathing normally, do
you notice movement in your stance?
Cross your hands; how does this look?
Hold a book in your hands; how do you feel?
Make some facial gestures and take them to extreme; how does this look
and feel?
Scream at yourself; what do you notice?
Laugh at yourself; what do you feel?
Think of something you would like say to persuade someone at work or
elsewhere. Say it aloud to your mirror reflection. How did you feel?
How convincing was it?
For example--if you would like a colleague to help you out with some
task; say to your mirror image: "I would really like you to help me out
with preparing for the presentation arrangements. ..."
Write down five things with which you were pleased as you were
looking in the mirror. Next, write down four things that you would like
to change, things that would make you more persuasive. Repeat this
exercise every two weeks; notice changes and make a note.
To receive printable tables FREE for these exercises please send me
an email
The first time I completed this exercise I was dumbfounded. There was
incongruence between what I experienced in my body and what I was
seeing in my reflection, as is often the case for many. For example I
have an asymmetrical posture my left shoulder is slightly higher than
my right. My right hand is more animated, I use it more to emphasize
and accentuate. I also noticed that I tilt my head sometimes when
making requests, losing some of the power of the statement. These
insights have assisted later in improving my awareness. The heightened
awareness, in turn, was crucial in managing conflict and ensuring better
negotiation results.
Observing Clusters
The first step in developing our influencing skills is to study and
decipher nonverbal gestures, which are a prime ingredient in
communicating. Most interpret them as separate; however, it is
necessary to read gesture and behaviors as an integrative whole.
Focusing only on discrete nonverbal elements, leads to an interpretation
error and a failed influence effort.
We refer to sentences of behaviors, containing a few clusters. In the
same way that we require a sentence or a paragraph to interpret a text,
we need a cluster of gestures, eye movements, usage of space, and so on
to understand a behavior.
For example: Eyes down and to the side, raised shoulders and hands
forward with palms facing up creates a three element cluster that can
mean submission, surrender, disingenuousness, or pleading for
forgiveness.
Eyes down and to the side, raised shoulders and hands forward
with palms facing up create a three element cluster that suggests
submission, surrender, disingenuousness, or pleading for
forgiveness.
Maintaining Context
It is vital to read behaviors within the appropriate context. We gather
from the context more than we would like to believe and most of how
we construe a message is context related. Misinterpreting the context
can lead to errors in understanding a scenario. So make sure that you
analyze the context of the behavior prior to deciding on the correct
meaning of the behavior.
For example, sitting with hands folded or clasped is often construed as a
sign of closeness, stubbornness, or avoidance from contact. While
studies do show that hands folded is mostly understood as a negative
gesture, interpreting it as such limits the options for influence; actually,
it might just be that the person in question is keeping warm..
To validate the meaning of the gesture it is important to examine
additional behaviors, which strengthen the behavioral cluster. Search
actively for 3 gestures that strengthen the deciphered meaning. You can
use verbal language to verify the meaning of the gesture.
Important more about communication perceptions
When there is incongruity between verbal and nonverbal gestures people
tend to believe what is communicated nonverbally. Incidentally, there is
a difference in this respect between men and women. When women
notice misalignment between verbal and nonverbal cues, they pay more
attention to the behavioral gestures, whereas men tend to focus on the
verbal language. Moreover, research has shown that difference in power,
such as between teachers and pupils, play an important part in how one
interprets a message. Pupils, being of lesser power, focus on the
nonverbal communication elements of the message. Teachers on the
other hand, who have hierarchical power, pay more attention to the
words spoken.
This is also true in business setting, where the team will be paying
attention to the behaviors and gestures of the manager during the
meeting. The manager on the other hand, will be focusing on the words
being used.
When interviewing team members after meetings, their descriptions of
the interactions they have with the manager are behavior and gesture
related.
The team member might say the manager dislikes me because she
wasnt looking at me the entire meeting. He might also say, the manager
thinks I am stupid since when I suggested my idea she was shaking her
head.
Notice the way the team member is incorrectly analyzing the message
based on only one gesture. He noticed fleeting unrelated gestures,
deciding however, to assign them importance. Managers, when asked
after meetings they lead, will relate to the words and sentences that they
communicated, trusting that their message has been understood since
their words were clear. They often pay little attention to the gestures and
behaviors they exhibited throughout the meeting.
It might just be that the person in question is keeping warm.

Stand in front of a mirror with hands folded; speak in a pleasant
seductive tone: "I love you; you're the best thing that happened and I
believe in everything you do."
How does it feel? Can you feel changes in your body, stance, breathing
as you are speaking? Make sure to note these changes and write them.
Change your stance, stretch your hands forward with palms facing
upward and speak assertively: "I am really angry with you; what you
have done is despicable and I will not have it again."
How does it feel? Can you feel changes in your body, stance, and your
breathing as you are speaking? Make sure to note these changes and
write them.
Can you adjust your stance, tone of voice, posture and gestures to make
the verbal message more or less powerful and convincing?
Count slowly from one to ten with a high-pitched tone. Change to a low
pitched tone and count from ten to one. Are you aware of your voice
support? Can you allow yourself more voice resonance and more
support? Experiment with breathing as you are counting; does it change
your feeling?
Repeat the previous exercise. Experiment with your facial gestures,
lower and raise your eyebrows, squint with your eyes, open your mouth
and close it, narrow and widen your nostrils, raise and lower your chin.
How does this process feel? Can you sense changes to your counting?
Can you find better facial gestures, with which you feel more
comfortable?
It is vital to be aware of your nonverbal and paraverbal cues including,
stance, gesture and tone of voice in order to improve your silent
influencing skills.

We are experiencing an exponential growth of global business coupled
with organizational complexity as businesses are expanding to global
markets. Teams are managed virtually, organizations are dispersed
across continents and daily encounters are frequently handled through
emails, chats, conference calls and more. In a virtual world, the power
and impact of silent influencing techniques is ever more increasing.
Inattention to silent influencing techniques becomes a crucial mistake
people make in these environments.
Very often, silent influencing techniques are the key differentiator
between success and failure in virtual encounters. The correct choice of
words in an email, the tone of voice in a conference call, the facial
gestures in a video conference call, the proper usage of emoticons in a
chat, body movements including hand gestures in a telephone call, all
play an important part of our ability to silently influence our teams,
colleagues, stakeholders and competitors.
The famous psychoanalyst Karl Gustav Jung asserted that all people
share a collective subconscious and, therefore, are able to communicate
with each other quite well. Be that as it may, most great negotiators use
silent influencing skills across cultures. You will find that mastering the
approaches within this book will aid you in your cross-cultural
endeavors. Cultural differences do exist and impact communications, for
interesting overview of these, refer to the research performed by Geert
Hofstede.
Did you know? Gerard Hendrik (Geert) Hofstede (born 2 October 1928
in Haarlem) is a Dutch social psychologist, former IBM employee, and
Professor Emeritus of Organizational Anthropology and International
Management at the University of Maastricht in the Netherlands, wellknown for his pioneering research of cross-cultural groups and
organizations. His most notable work has been in developing cultural
dimensions theory. The five dimensions are; Power Distance,
Individualism, Uncertainty avoidance, Masculinity, and Long Term
Orientation. He is known with his books Culture's Consequences and
Cultures and Organizations: Software of the Mind, co-authored with his
son Gert Jan Hofstede. (from Wikipedia)
Watch your thoughts; they become words.

Watch your words; they become actions.
Watch your actions; they become habits.
Watch your habits; they become character.
Watch your character; it becomes your destiny.

Philosophically speaking, we can't stop communicating, since all we do
conveys a message. Everything we say or not say, do or not do in our
interactions is communication. Since the hands are the most active
participant in nonverbal communication, we communicate continuously
with them. Whether we place them behind the back, fold them over the
chest, or let them lay ideally at the side.
As mentioned before, the recipient construes and decides the meaning of
the communication. The receiver is constantly and actively searching for
signals in the interaction to interpret. Moreover, it is the receiver who
assigns meaning and significance to what s/he is actively receiving or
gathering. While the receiver is constantly looking for clues regarding
the messages sent to him, there are gestures that we can use, which do
communicate certain specific meanings. Using these you can silently
influence the receiver or receivers.
Have you noticed that at times you say something and your colleague
comprehends something else? Maybe s/he has been distracted by your
behavior? Maybe you mean for your communication to be gentle but it
comes across as too strong or vice versa? There are times when we
incorrectly use specific gestures, creating a message that doesnt
promote the objective. We would be better served understanding how
specific gestures that we use are construed.
As the hands are easily visible by us and others, it is probably the most
effective body part to use in influencing. We are generally aware of our
hands and control them with ease. The benefits of changing or using
hand gestures are astounding.
Hand presentation
Primarily, the hand can be used for influencing using four hand palm
presentations; hand forward palm upward, hand forward palm
downward, the hand balled to a fist and the hand in a fist with index
finger pointing. Each gesture conveys specific meaning and can be used
to silently influence the recipients/audience.
The hand forward palm upward gesture conveys submission,
weakness, openness, nothing to hide, truthfulness, willing to
compromise in a conflict situation and similar non-threatening attitudes.
For example, think of the way a beggar stands on the street corner or of
a child standing in front of a teacher claiming innocence. When we want
to exhibit that 'we come in peace' we use the hand forward palm upward
gesture. In the corporate setting, this gesture is seen when employees
walk into the senior managers' office.
The hand forward palm upward gesture conveys meanings of
submission, weakness, openness, nothing to hide, truthfulness,
willing to compromise in a conflict situation and similar nonthreatening attitudes.
The hand forward palm downward gestures conveys authority, threat,

distance, lack of interest, control, firmness, certainty and similar power
displays. Consider the way a queen might present her hand or the Pope
presenting his hand to be kissed by a follower. In both situations, the
hand is presented with the palm facing down thus making it clear who
holds the authority and power. Using this gesture too much during a
conversation among colleagues can create recoil. The recipient might
feel like being ordered rather than asked.
Pay attention; many managers that I have coached use this gesture
unobtrusively and generate feelings of aversion and negativity among
peers and subordinates. While it is acceptable is some societies, in
modern corporate settings it is mostly unacceptable and
counterproductive.
The hand forward palm downward gestures conveys authority,
threat, distance, lack of interest, control, firmness, certainty and
similar power displays.
The hand balled to a fist presentation signifies stress, discomfort,

inconvenience, difficulty and possibly feelings of danger, exposure to
violence and the like. The higher the level of stress, the tighter the fist
is. Most often in a corporate setting the hand will be out of sight. When
you notice your hand fisted in recurring similar situations, reflect; see if
you can relax a bit and open your hand, and see what it entails.
I noticed that when I was driving in the city, my hand was on my lap
balled in a fist. I noticed also that my driving was somewhat defensive
and at times aggressive. As I was reflecting on it and consciously
opening the fingers, I reduced my speed and was able to relax more. I
have since been examining my hand every now and then while driving
and made the effort to both relax my fist and my speed and take a deep
breath.
The fist acts as a precursor and a signal during stressful situations and it
is worth paying attention to it; that is, of course, unless you are running
into a street fight or are a boxer.
At times, you might notice a coworker or a colleague keeping his/her
hand in a fist. In this case, make sure to change your tone of voice, your
gestures, slow down your pace, let him/her carry the conversation, or
give him/her something to hold--like a pen--so s/he can relax his/her
figures. As a general guideline, when people are curling their fingers
into a fist they have stopped listening! We will discuss more regarding
the fist in a later chapter.
Hand in a fist with index finger pointing is a classic negative gesture
that might hint to impending violence; it is a sure sign for you to slowly
back up. Normally, this gesture is hardly used. I have seen some senior
managers using it as part of their repertoire, not a happy sight to be sure.
It creates antagonism and is considered rude in most cultures. In some, it
is totally unacceptable and might be responded to with physical violence
(i.e., Thailand, Malaysia, the Philippines).
Parents berate children by waving the index finger at them; the waving
of the clenched hand with index finger stretched carries a suggestion of
an upcoming whack, the finger resembles a weapon. The same parent
might also say to his/her child: 'Tom, dont point your finger at that
person; it is rude!'
Hand in a fist with index finger pointing is a classic negative
gesture that might hint to possible impending violence; it is a sure
sign to back up slowly.

Perform the following exercises with your spouse, parents, children,
colleagues or just anyone you run across. Maybe you can do this with a
complete stranger who keeps receiving annoying sounding texts on
his/her Smartphone at a restaurant. Be sure to choose your subject
wisely as I will not take responsibility for bumps in the head as a result
of an unexpected encounter with a Smartphone.
First part of exercise: Carry out a conversation and maintain hand
forward with palms upward. Notice your tonality, your choice of
words, your speed, and your eye contact. Do you notice anything else?
How comfortable are you with this posture? How is your breathing?
Can you ask for something assertively in this stance?
Second part of exercise: Carry out a conversation and maintain hand
forward with palms downward. Notice your tonality, your choice of
words, your speed, and your eye contact. Do you notice anything else?
How comfortable are you with this posture? How is your breathing?
Can you ask for something assertively in this stance?
Third part of the exercise: Observe conversations, movies, television
shows, and presentations. Notice the hand gestures used, specifically
the way the palm is presented. Can you see a harmony between the
spoken language and the hand gestures?
This three-step exercise is extremely important. Repeat it numerous
times, over and again. With time, you will develop awareness of your
hand gestures. You will be able deploy them to silently influence a
setting to your advantage while understanding and withstanding
situations where others are using them. You will notice the confluence
between the spoken language and the gestures you and others use. This
will serve you to increase the impact of requests from peers, lessen the
antagonism you might have otherwise created, and diffuse potential
dangerous and harmful interactions that could deteriorate into violence.

First impressions count, and we tend to judge a book by its cover, even
though we know we shouldnt. It is efficient and it is what we have been
primed to do, going all the way back to the freeze, fight, flight huntergatherer life saving responses. Since it saves time and effort, we make
up our mind about our colleagues, partners, and friends quickly. It is
difficult for us later to change a quickly-conceived impression with new
information that contradicts it. As a matter of fact, as the relationship
and interactions progress, we usually pick up only the behaviors that
support our initial judgment. Since the first impressions are immensely
important, let's investigate what we can do to increase our silent
influence during introductions.
As a result of globalization and conventional western world culture, the
handshake is the culturally accepted introduction protocol. It is an
extremely powerful tool for creating rapport and trust, establishing
power hierarchies, or alternatively breaking the otherwise mutually
beneficial relationship. It presents an opportunity to physically measure,
assess and evaluate a colleague and therefore, the fastest most effective
way for creating a positive relationship with another.
Having shaken hands when interviewing prospective employees, I can

attest that the hand shake is one of the most powerful tools to assess
conviction, genuineness and attitude. It is unbelievable that with all the
research and ready information for job candidates, they are still making
crucial mistakes while handshaking!
The origins of the handshake date to the Roman Empire. It could be that
hunter gatherers meeting each other across the plains for a Mammoth
hunt did shake hands though we dont know that for a fact. In the
Roman era it was customary to grip each others right wrist when
meeting, to make sure there are no concealed weapons.
During the Middle Ages, the grip was accompanied with a shake or
pump to ascertain that no daggers or knifes are present. Basically, the
reason we are shaking hands is to verify that there are no nasty surprises
up the sleeve. This makes sense as we are better advised to converse
with someone who doesnt plan to cut our throat. In the modern
corporate environment, the knives still exist but they are more intricate
and subtle. As a result our methods to influence them should be as
advanced.
In the Roman era, it was customary to grip each others right wrist
when meeting to make sure there were no concealed weapons.
What characterizes the modern handshake? Recall our previous

discussion of palm direction; to carry out a handshake that conveys
equality, the hand has to be vertical to the ground. Any other angle
implies power hierarchy and might influence the result of the meeting,
discussion, negotiation, conflict resolution and more.
A research into the handshaking habit of 350 businesspeople and senior
executives, of which 89% were men, showed that all initiated a
handshake. Additionally the research revealed that 88% of the men and
33% of the women initiated a dominant handshake whereupon the hand
is presented from the top with the palm facing down.
To have an equal handshake that conveys equality, the hand has to
be vertical to the ground
The number of shakes or pumps, is based on preference and cultural

propensity. Usually three to five shakes are enough. In Germany though,
one can count up to seven shakes. At times, you will come across a
rather enthusiastic partner who probably doesn't go out often and takes
the advantage to shake eagerly, which will remind you of your last
Pilates workout.
Often, this partner will claim your hand as his/her own and will keep
you from breaking away as s/he divulges his/her incredible visit to
Nepal, his/her last amazing Safari tour and his/her unprecedented
successful deal closing rate this year. Surprisingly enough, few are the
people who under these circumstances are able to take their hand back
and walk away from such a partner. The physical bond is strong and
weakens the ability to run away.
At times, you will come across a rather enthusiastic partner, who

probably doesn't go out often and takes the advantage to shake
eagerly, which will remind you of your last Pilates workout.
The distance of the hand from the body is important as well. The
recommendation is not too close and not too far; it is also culturerelated. Generally speaking, shaking from afar plainly suggests
distancing, while standing too close might suggest lack of confidence.
Some individuals tend to grasp and grab. They clasp your hand firmly
and yank it towards them, during which you might lose balance and fall.
This type of handshake conveys that your opponent wants the
interaction to be on his/her turf.
Other times, one might come across the finger presenters. These will
hand out only their fingers, as though they were her majesty the queen
awaiting the subordinate famous finger-kiss.
The finger presenters, unless culture-related, illustrate their fear of
contact, timidity, hesitance and the like. It can also result from a
misfired handshake; in this case, it is best to offer a retry along with a
gentle smile. This way, you build credibility and promote rapport in the
business relationship. Remember that an equal power, animated,
properly assertive handshake along with eye contact and accurate
duration is vital in creating and influencing the first impression. The
hand shake is a primary component of your nonverbal communication
arsenal and expresses personality and intentions.
A dominant shake is when one hand is on top of the other. The palm of
the hand on top is facing down, grasping the other hand, which is
presented palm facing up. The hand situated on top has the upper hand
so to speak, hence, the basis for the saying.
The relationship in this case is not between equals. In this manner, an
inferior handshake position is where the hand is presented palm facing
up. As the saying goes, there is 'no hand' in this position, physically but
also metaphorically.
When you are in a situation where you hand is in an inferior position
you might feel uncomfortable or uneasy and usually might not be aware
of the cause. The reason is naturally the asymmetrical relationship of
power represented in the hand positions.
What should you do to outmaneuver a weak inferior handshake
position? First, assess the situation. Sometimes, it is better just to
acknowledge your feelings and take note of the colleague's power play.
At times, it is better in a business setting to let the other feel that s/he
has the upper hand. Thus, your silent influencing scheme is about
waiting until the relationship progresses and displaying a so-called
dovish nature, only for you to move in for the kill as negotiations
progress. Frankly speaking, initially you did strive for an equal
relationship but had been driven to the inferior position by a business
bully.
Merely being aware of the palm stance provides a substantial
advantage for influencing later on. Mostly, those who come on as
dominant shakers are oblivious to their approach; thus, it can be
exploited.
A dominant shake is when one hand is on top of the other. The
palm of the hand on top is facing down, grasping the other hand,
which is presented palm facing up. The hand coming from the top
has the upper hand, so to speak, hence, the basis for the saying.
What if you want to move away from a weak inferior handshake

position? You can move away, utilizing several maneuvers.
The worst thing to do though is to literally start bending hands in an
embarrassing and ill-advised power struggle.
Alternatively, the following options are relevant to both genders and
especially for countering, alpha type individuals who tend to think that
it is macho to break a colleague's hand using a strong, manly shake.
Note, that rumor has it that the macho hand shake is a compensation for
weaknesses or shortcomings elsewhere.

The first option is to place the left hand (the free hand) on top of the
dominant shaker's hand. This approach makes the dominant shake
totally ineffective. It could be that the dominant shaker will use his/her
free hand to place it on top as well. Normally, it wont occur, and if it
does it is harmless. In some cultures, grasping the dominant hand with
both hands illustrates a ruler subordinate relationship, so please beware.
You can move away from a weak inferior handshake position by

placing the left hand (the free hand) on top of the dominant
shaker's hand.
Another option is to use the left hand to lightly touch the dominant
shakers arm in several places. The specific location is dependent upon
your relationship with the shaker and your influence strategy regarding
the outcome of the business relationship.
A light touch on the elbow is acceptable. The elbow is far from the
body, it isn't considered intimate and a brief touch will take the air out
of a dominant shake. A solid touch on the shoulder using the free hand
changes the rules of engagement and introduces a comrade atmosphere
to the business engagement. A touch on the wrist is perceived differently
according to the culture. Use these options carefully. In the UK, a hand
on the shoulder gesture might be perceived as too intimate. Business
meetings that include both sexes change the rules, and it is best to avoid
touching, other than the mandatory handshake.

Stand up. Always stand up for introductions; never shake hands
while seated
Stride forward, head straight and hands to your sides; make sure
your right hand is free;
Smile briefly. A long smile is a sign of surrender (think of primates
you have seen on television). Too long a smile can create a negative
impression of being too enthusiastic, easily controlled and not too
bright;
Create and maintain eye contact for a few seconds;
Stand in front of the colleague, not to his/her side or at an angle;
Make sure your hand is not wet or humid; otherwise, dry it before
the handshake
Stretch your hand forward at an acceptable distance; maintain the
wrist and palm vertical to the ground and the thumb pointing up;
Make sure you touch hand to hand, an open hand signals trust and
reliability;
Grasp your colleague's hand, lock thumbs and firmly shake the hand
adjusting the grasp but refrain from a hand-down power play;
Shake or pump several times and maintain contact for a few seconds;
Add a few words of introduction while maintaining eye contact.
Stretch your hand forward at an acceptable distance; maintain the

wrist and palm vertical to the ground and the thumb pointing up

This is a real-time exercise. Introduce yourself to at least ten people, and
write down later how your handshake was and how the other persons'
handshake was. Pay attention to your breathing before and while you are
carrying out this exercise. Make sure to practice according to the
guidelines we previously presented.
Put forth a plan to improve and develop your silent influencing style for
introductions.
Chapter 3: Important! Recognizing and Utilizing Stress,

Resentment, and Inconsistent Behavior
If you don't like something, change it. If you can't change it, change the
way you think about it.
In this chapter, we explore gestures and behaviors that signal stress and
resent. We learn how to recognize them and comprehend them in their
context. We recognize that these gestures are also a projection by us, as
we are seeing them.
As we progress, we develop approaches to handle situations of stress
and silently influence them to our benefit. You might notice that the
gestures and behaviors discussed in this chapter are customarily
attributed to and interpreted in some contexts, as lying.
In some instances, it could be that these gestures indicate lying. We will
point it out as we analyze the different gestures. From my experience, it
is better not to attribute them to lying in corporate and business setting
for two reasons: the first is, that you might be wrong in the
interpretation and lose a potentially beneficial relationship; the second
is, that actively searching for gestures and behaviors of deceit reflects
upon you and your intentions in the relationship as well as limits your
degrees of freedom in decision-making.
.
To experience stress, inconsistencies and accompanying gestures and
behaviors, we will begin with an exercise.
Exercise #5:
inconsistencies
Recognizing
personal
stress
and
Perform this exercise standing up, breathing normally and letting your
body flow naturally. Watch for changes in your breathing, voice pitch
and tonalities.
Read and then repeat the following sentences once or twice. The first
time, say them as though you really mean them and the next time as
though you are not comfortable and are unsure saying them:
1. Trust me; that is the only way to carry out this solution.
2. Believe me'; we have to do it this way.
3. I promise to give you the results by next week.
Record your observations. If you aren't seeing or experiencing
inconsistencies in your behavior, repeat the sentences. However, play
out your feeling of unease to the extreme.
Notice:
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
What happens in your body as you are saying these sentences?

Do your hands move to certain gestures? (Don't prevent them.)
Do your fingers form specific patterns?
Does you palm point to a specific direction?
Do your hands do anything else?
Hold your right hand as if taking an oath, at hearts level, vertical to the
ground, palm facing out, fingers pointing up. Repeat the sentences
above. How does it feel? Is it 'natural'?
Practice these sentences and others that you usually use at work, in
meeting and elsewhere. Use the same words you use when you make
promises and commitments. Observe your body, hands, breathing and
voice.
Practice speaking while maintaining consistent flowing gestures with
which you feel at ease; it will increase your personal impact and your
silent influencing.
Pay attention to how others behave, and what gestures they use when
they are making commitments, promising things and speak out in
general.

The hands serve as a credible indicator for assessing stress and honesty
in a speaker-listener interaction. At a time when the speaker promises
something, glance shortly at his/her fingers; the position of the fingers
can help you assess the seriousness and frankness of the commitment.
Examples for such instances are abundant. It could be that your interior
decorator is promising that the tiles from Italy will be in by next week. It
could be your boss promising a raise next year. It could be your team
member committing to finishing the work by next week. It could be your
parents/children/spouse saying that they were delayed on the way
because of some traffic jam. ... In all of these cases, have a quick look at
the fingers: when the speaker holds his/her hand at chest and heart level
with fingers open and straight facing up, in a similar fashion to a
witness taking an oath, then you can trust what s/he is saying. You can
assume that there is a low level of stress and high level of consistency.
When the fingers are poised in other positions, such as too tight, facing
backward or facing forward, there is some stress and inconsistency
apparent in the speaker. Let's examine the possibilities.
When the fingers are too tight, clasped to each other, there is some
uneasiness in the speaker. S/he might intend on being consistent and
truthful. However, s/he might only divulge part of the information, be
afraid of the entire truth, be frightened by you, or be anxious that s/he
will not be able to follow through. You can experience this position for
yourself. Hold your fingers clasped to each other. It is not a normal pose
for most of us and often creates discomfort, prohibiting natural flow.
When the speaker holds his/her hand at an angle forward, with fingers
in a sort of a claw or semi-fist pointing forward, it is a sign of some
aggression building up. The speaker probably can't be entirely trusted,
and you might be hearing an adjusted subjective view of the
information. The more the fingers point outward and horizontal to the
ground, the more the speaker is replying just to placate. He intends to

make the listener happy rather than following through on his/her
commitment. S/he might not be certain of his/her ability to deliver on
the promise.
When the speaker holds his/her hand at chest and heart level with
fingers open and straight facing up, in a similar fashion to a
witness taking an oath, then you can trust what s/he is saying. You
can assume that there is a low level of stress and high level of
consistency.
In your face
We will present several gestures related to touching areas on the face.
By and large, they indicate discomfort, unease, displeasure, stress,
anxiety. Alternatively, they can merely mean the person has an itch. Pay
attention to recurring gestures and behavior rather than basing a
judgment on a fleeting gesture.
Covering the mouth with one hand: In this gesture, the hand
instinctively covers the mouth. When a speaker does so, s/he is
attempting to hide something, maybe a lie, maybe something s/he isn't
proud of, and maybe something of which s/he is unsure or afraid.
The cover of the mouth can consequently indicate a discomfort or
disbelief in what the speaker him/herself is saying. It is widely seen of
course when the speaker is lying. In movies, this is a famous gangster
gesture, as the bad guys are conniving their plot. You might also
notice this gesture among children, who are less apt to hide their
feelings and behaviors. As we grow up, we learn how to better separate
our behaviors from our thoughts and feelings.
So, adults will use a more subtle gesture, maybe a finger will pass over
the mouth, or the finger will remove an invisible crumb from the corner
of the mouth. For a listener, this gesture indicates disbelief or reluctance
and aversion to what s/he is hearing.
When your colleague briefly touches his/her mouth while you are
speaking s/he might be in disagreement or disbelief. Therefore, it is
important to inspect the cause of the gesture, maybe by bluntly asking,
or by repeating what you just said and seeing if the gesture recurs. Some
listeners use a hand on their mouth to refrain from speaking out of line
or when not allowed to speak. This can be the case when they have
something very important to contribute, are opposed to what is
suggested, or are a tidbit impulsive. As a leader, noticing this gesture
and allowing them to speak, will greatly increase your effectiveness in
handling a meeting.
When a speaker covers his/her mouth, s/he is trying to hide
something, maybe a lie, maybe something s/he isn't proud of, and
maybe something of which s/he is unsure or afraid of.
Covering the eyes: Covering or rubbing an eye briefly, lead to breaking

the eye contact between speaker and listener. When a speaker does this,
s/he interrupts the flow of contact, as if s/he is concealing him/herself
from reality and the listeners' presence, or even willing him/herself to be
elsewhere.
When the listener is covering his/her eyes it can be a sign of disbelief in
what s/he is hearing, a reluctance to accept the reality s/he is seeing, or
his/her judgment that what s/he is hearing is totally wrong.
Alternatively, it can signal fatigue originating from interaction with the
speaker or genuine tiredness.
To an extent, this behavior is similar to a very primal human behavior,
which is apparent in babies who slowly develop appreciation of the
consistency of matter; Up to one year of age or so, when babies don't see
something, they consider it non-existent. The famous Peek-a-boo, where
the caretaker hides his/her own eyes operates on the same premise.
Therefore, the babies act surprised time and again throughout the game.
When a speaker rubs or covers his/her eye, s/he interrupts the flow
of contact, as if s/he is concealing him/herself from reality and the
listeners' presence, or even willing him/herself being elsewhere.
Scratching the nose: Repeatedly rubbing or scratching the nose, is a

revealing gesture. A speaker indicates his/her lack of confidence in what
s/he is saying. A listener might indicate by the nose rub that what s/he is
hearing smells bad or just plain stinks.
The nose scratch when being untruthful might have a physiological
explanation. The Pinocchio effect, as some term it, was researched at the
University of Granada where a pioneering thermography approach was
used. It exhibited an increase in the temperature around the nose and the
orbital muscle in the inner corner of the eye (hence the eye scratch)
when subjects were under stress and pressure such as when lying.
You can use this knowledge to increase your silent influencing abilities
when screening applicants for a certain position. Instead of asking data
specific questions, which dont yield relevant information, let the
applicant lead the conversation. You can then ask specific questions
around topics about which the applicant is more hesitant to answer.
Observing the various rubbing gestures we have been presenting, you

can quickly deduce the consistency and genuineness of the stories, and
shorten the time it takes you to decide.
Scratching the ear: Repeatedly rubbing or scratching the ear is similar
in context to rubbing or scratching the eye. This gesture signals stress,
discomfort, unease. When a listener scratches the ear it could mean that
s/he doesn't believe the speaker.
When you are the speaker and you notice a listener scratching the ear
persistently, you might consider stop talking and letting the listener
speak his/her thoughts.
Avoid saying thing like: 'Tom, I see you are in disagreement. Why is
that?' Do say: 'Tom, would you like to add something'. Being a silent
influencer, the proper use of the information you are receiving from the
behaviors is as important as reading the behaviors. It is vital that your
question doesnt create the context of disagreement; rather it should act
as a probe to explore existing attitudes.
Repeatedly rubbing or scratching the ear is similar in context to
rubbing or scratching the eye. This gesture signals stress,
discomfort, or unease. When a listener scratches the ear it could
mean that s/he doesn't believe the speaker.
Scratching the side of the neck: the listener scratches absentmindedly,
using his/her finger, the area beneath the ear. Most commonly, this
denotes a disagreement with the speaker. The listener is on the
supposedly in agreement, but demonstrating a gesture of disagreement.
There is also research backing this behavior: it seems that stress and
tension that characterize the disagreement, results in increased blood
flow to the area, which induces an itch and a following scratch.
A pronounced gesture is the pulling of the tie and shirt away from the
neck and upper chest. This is done to increase the space between the
clothing and the body, to enable more air flow and literarily to cool
down a bit. You can encounter this behavior when someone is
experiencing anger and frustration, anxiety or high arousal. In all cases,
the best thing to do is offer a glass of water. Next, depending on the
situation, either offer comforting counsel or alternatively, slow down.
Chapter 4: Tested - Influencing Silently--Integrating for

Powerful Results
While rehearsing his opera Flavio, Handel the famous

composer, was accompanying the singers upon a
harpsichord. He fell afoul of the tenor, who objected to the
composer's playing. "If you don't follow me better than that,
I'll jump on your harpsichord and smash it up," growled the
tenor. "Go right ahead," retorted Handel, "only let me know
when you'll jump and I will spread the word, as more people
will come to see you jump than to hear you sing." (Bartlett's
Anecdotes)
So far we have discussed discrete gestures and behaviors. We will now
revisit some of the concepts introduced and learn how to adapt and
respond to challenging behaviors, how to use verbal language to
overcome a difficult situation and how to silently influence an
environment to achieve a win/win solution. Many of the ideas and
suggestions presented originate from, and are a combination of, Gestalt
therapy, Neuro-linguistic programming, prospect theories and behavioral
economics. We will begin with analyzing hand gestures, combine them
with upper body positions and then add leg stances, sitting and
standing. We will conclude with an exercise summarizing the concepts.

We illustrated several hand positions and explained that the hands
convey a message along with the spoken language. The hand in the
pocket, therefore, is a metaphor for cutting contact. When someone
places his/her hands out of sight it means s/he doesnt want to talk or be
in contact. Some do not want to be caught red-handed so they place
their hands in their pockets or out of sight, signaling guilt or shame.
Others don't wish to be engaged in the conversation or feel they have
nothing to contribute. While yet others lack confidence, therefore,
hiding their hands away. In all of these scenarios, the person is 'out of
reach' and the method to reestablish contact is to 'reach out.' Notice how
many adages are based on hand gestures.
There are times when we just note to ourselves the hand in pocket
gesture and don't reach out, specifically when the participation of the
person is unimportant.
Fist
A hand curled into a fist is a gesture of violence and can actually be a
sign of a coming physical blow. It can symbolize introverted aggression
or extroverted aggression (i.e., the blow is forthcoming). In both
situations, it is advised to take a step back. In business setting it might
be that something is annoying or aggravating your colleague, not
necessarily related to you. You can either sort your differences or step
away from the contact.
The theory behind: in Gestalt therapy, when we curl our hand to a fist
we are retroflecting. Retroflection simply defined, is a Freudian concept
of doing to ourselves what we would like to do to others. We define the
act as retroflecting--an active verb rather than retroflection, which is a
passive noun. We do that since in Gestalt therapy we prefer to relate to
active behaviors rather than passive ones.
The retroflecting activity of the curl into a fist is a gesture of holding

back the energy in our hand rather than releasing it. Most likely, in a
corporate business environment it is unlikely that a physical blow will
follow. In this context, I would like to mention other powerful
retroflecting examples: biting the upper or lower lip, a light self-tap on

the back of the neck, or a self-slap on the cheek could all be signs of
doing to oneself what one would like to do to others. In therapy
sessions, these are signs of inner discomfort and of energy searching for
a way out.
For example, the tap on the back of the neck is similar to saying: boy,
what you are saying is so stupid, however since I cant express this
loudly; I will hit the back of my neck instead, and rub there for good
measure, just to show my discomfort with what you are saying
As a leader, when you notice such behaviors in your team, I advise to
slow down and let the energies flow outward. Let the retroflected
individuals vent, maybe through a short exercise, a pause in the meeting,
an informal short discussion, etc. This is particularly the scenario with
teams who are in the early team building phases, and require guidance
from the leader in how to handle tension and anxiety.
A hand curled into a fist is a gesture of violence and can actually be
a sign of a coming physical blow.
Folded hands
When people cross the imaginary symmetrical center line that runs from
head to feet with their hands, it is a sign of closing up, and severing
contact.
Folded hands are a sign of blocking and are a gesture which depicts
closing, backing up and discomfort. This discomfort can also be a result
of physical feeling of cold, or a metaphorical feeling of chilliness.
However, note that for the outside observer, the actual cause of the
folded hands is mostly irrelevant, as it will be construed as a negative
gesture.
When we say that people open up and warm to you we literally mean
that they spread their hands outward.
In Gestalt therapy, interpreting a gesture in a certain way can be a
projecting from the observers point of view. Projecting simply defined
is the act of placing your feeling, beliefs and thought patterns on
someone else.
As a leader, translating the team seating with folded hands as a negative
blocking gesture can be a projection by you, of your lack of confidence

on the team. Your feeling will then intensify and affect the team and
will result in more lack of contact. Thus, the folded hand gesture will
become contagious and serve for you as a self-fulfilling prophecy, for
the team being totally negative towards you. Therefore, my
recommendation is to do a quick mental check of how you feel and
maybe take a deep breath or two and even a short pause. ... This never
hurts.
Folded hands are usually a sign of blocking. When people cross the
imaginary symmetrical center line that runs from head to feet with
their hands, this is a sign of closing up, and severing the contact.

Standing up with hands folded adds a sense of assertiveness to the
disapproving feeling. This stance is also dominant. In the modern
business world, this is construed as a negative stance.
Notice though the specifics: is it a solid grounded stance with both feet
planted surely on the ground. Or, is it standing while leaning on
something with gaze turned aside where the folded hands compensate
for lack of confidence. Standing while crossing the legs, can symbolize
defensiveness and withdrawal. It adds an element of anxiety to the
gesture. The gaze in this instance will be away with no eye contact. At
times, people cross their legs when they need to go the bathroom
though. ...
As a leader, you can silently influence those who lean to gain support,
by offering verbal support and feedback. This way, you are inviting them
to join the conversation and the interaction. Differentiate between the
following two postures, what do you see?
and

Sitting with folded hands and legs crossed can symbolize negativity
compounded by disinterest. It can also represent a lack of mutual
understanding or collaboration that will hinder a shared decision. This
behavior can be viewed as a way to avoid communication and divert the
energy sideways.
As a leader, when witnessing the above behavior you can direct a
question to that colleague to draw him/her back, though s/he will
sometimes brush it off by nodding or stating s/he has nothing to say.
Alternatively, to win an assertive position in a meeting you can stand up
shortly. You can also move around the meeting room and pause behind
the individual who exhibits this posture.
Sometimes the persons hands will be clutching an object fiercely, or
the arms of the chair. This is another sign of retroflecting. To move
forward, you probably have to nudge him/her gently from his/her
position. Tilting his/her chair isnt an option. However, a paper airplane
in his/her direction might do the trick.
A word about legs

Let's imagine that you are standing in a business meeting discussing a
certain topic with a team. As you present some ideas you notice that the
senior partner isn't listening. Your intuition might be right. To verify it,
have a quick look at his/her feet and note the direction in which they are
pointing. If his/her feet are pointing away, toward the door for example,
then that's where his/her thoughts are. The feet are the farthest organ
from the brain, it is difficult to consciously control their behavior and so
they serve as a credible indicator of inner feelings. A sure way to
silently influence such a setting is to move in the circle and stand in the
direction of the pointing feet.
The feet direction also serves in social gatherings to see who desires
whom. Although sometimes I am not sure you would like to know that.
...
I am the BOSS
Has this ever happened to you? You walk into a manager's, client's, head
officer's office and see him/her in the classic 'know it all position? The
hands are folded behind the head with elbows open or pointing toward
you in a threatening manner; the legs are crossed or worse, sitting on top
of the mahogany table. This is the I am the BOSS and this is my turf /
cave position. It leads to immediate abhorrence and detest in onlookers.
It also can create a feeling of inferiority.
Is there a way to silently influence this setting? As this is a power play
that you are dragged into, one way to handle it can be to remain standing
comfortably when asked to be seated or sitting down comfortably when
it is assumed you are to stand. It is also useful to be silent for some time
and not engage in a conversation, letting the BOSS complete his/her
playing out of his/her supposed superiority. This approach is a form of a
Jujitsu negotiation technique, a concept developed by Fisher and Uri in
their book from 1981: Getting to yes--Negotiating Agreement without
Giving In.

Review the topics covered in this chapter. Practice them and write down
what you are experiencing as you are practicing. Pay attention to your
breathing.
Carry out these gestures with a partner, spouse, parents, etc. Can you
guess their feelings as you're playing out the gestures? Ask them how
they felt and what they experienced. What is the correlation between
what you guessed and how they felt? Record your observations.
Chapter 5: Ultimately - Ready, Set, Action--Creating

change
Men make history, and not the other way around. In periods
where there is no leadership, society stands still. Progress
occurs when courageous, skillful leaders seize the
opportunity to change things for the better.
--Harry S Truman
Previous chapters included analysis of gestures and behaviors,
discussion of meanings and tools and techniques to handle them. This
chapter is structured reversely. We present possible leadership and
influence goals and then discuss the behaviors and gestures required to
create them.
How to instill readiness for action and create rapport with your
colleagues in a meeting when seated?
The proper way to communicate readiness for action is by leaning
forward while seated, one hand on the hip the other hand on the knee,
looking forward with eye contact, maintaining hands that are to the
sides and not crossing the imaginary body middle line. Making sure you
aren't sitting across the person you are influencing, as this creates a
barrier or seeming confrontation.
Leaning forward communicates readiness for action. The look forward
with intense eye contact instills trust and support action. Avoid gazing
above the eyes, as this can express superiority. The hands to the sides
convey openness. The wrist on the knee promotes self-support; the
entire posture presents a positive focus on your subject. The goal is to
have your colleague catch on to your enthusiasm and mirror his/her
body with your posture.
Mirroring is an extremely important concept in creating a change in
dynamics. Note though, it is challenging gathering internal support to
communicate openness and readiness where there is resistance and
apathy.
Increasing rapport, collaboration and liking through mirroring can be
achieved by imitating the colleague's position and then slowly adjusting
to an open ready for action position. As mentioned, in this position, the
hands are to the sides, palms outwards with fingers open. Feet aren't
crossed; the body is leaning forward slightly and eye contact is existent
but not overwhelming.
The proper way to communicate readiness for action is by leaning
forward while seated, one hand on the hip the other hand on the
knee, looking forward with eye contact, maintaining hands that are
to the sides and not crossing the imaginary body middle line.
Appearing smart
While speaking, we utilize a myriad of hand gestures. Some do Karate
chops or Kung Fu slicing with their right hand; some punch the air in a
downward swing to punctuate a concept; some use finger pointing to
illustrate a point and are totally unaware of it. Most of these gestures are
utilized haphazardly and at times carry a negative message to the
audience. For example, the Karate chop appears obtuse and aggressive
in business environments; finger pointing is crude and is considered
violent in some cultures.
There is a simple yet powerful gesture that I recommend for those
speaking in front of an audience. It could be a small forum, a meeting or
a large convention. It impacts the audience greatly and you come across
as intelligent, focused, goal-oriented and knowledgeable.
Hold you index finger and thumb closely together and press them
slightly so that there is an elliptic space between them. Hold the other
three fingers gently folded. Sustain this gesture and use it to punctuate
your words as you are smoothly moving the hand inward and upward
toward the chin and outward and downward in front of your chest. For
effectiveness, this gesture has to integrate with other gestures and at the
proper quantity, not too much.
Smart people tend to keep the hands close to the body and maintain
gestures that keep the hands at half an arm's length. They also retain
their fingers close to each other and the hands in a slight angle upward.
Hold you index finger and thumb closely together and press them
together slightly.

Notice how you use the space around you. An object on which you
place your hands, it is though you claimed ownership on. Pay attention
where your hands wander. Moreover, a meeting table is virtually
divided into personal zones. These zones are maintained zealously.
Make sure you arent crossing the lines. Alternatively, it can also serve
as an opportunity to move away from negotiation stalemates and conflict
situations by reorganizing the physical setting as the meeting progresses
and no decision is reached.
King Arthur knew about personal space and seating hierarchies and
opted for a round table. Sometimes, better decisions are reached away
from the formal meeting table with the long rectangle heavy mahogany.
A low circular table in the lobby can yield better results.
Observe your personal office space; can you imagine how guests and
colleagues feel there? Experiment with changing the physical
surrounding. Change seating arrangements often to increase the
opportunities for silently influencing.

Let's revisit the situation of a tough colleague, who assumes a hostile,
close position and is unwilling to join, collaborate, open up, and so on.
Realistically, we are not always able to change such a position.
However, there are tools and techniques to silently influence this
scenario.
When I encounter a negative closed attitude where there is no
cooperation, I know that there is little use in continuing the interaction.
It is futile to work against powerful resistance. Instead I slow down, take
a breath and observe the process. Breathing is a very important and often
neglected remedy to overcome challenging scenarios.
Awareness of a situation is heightened when we take the time to notice
our breathing. As we are focusing on our breathing, we magically loosen
up building our personal support. This increases our perception and
option for viewing the situation with a new point of view and
heightened empathy. This enhances our propensity for influence and
leadership.
I refrain from asking a yes/no question. I might then ask an open-ended
question such as: "so do you agree with the proposed solution?" I also
refrain from asking: "WHY dont you agree?" WHY is a problematic
word, as it carries a hint of blame to it and would intensify the conflict. I
use softer framing with the word HOW, such as: "HOW would you
suggest continuing now?" Or alternatively: "can you offer us your
perspective?" And even: "I would like to receive your view on the
solution." By stating what I want, I lead by example and create an
opportunity for others to do the same. Many decision making meetings
are at an impasse, as everyone is doing what s/he thinks should be done
rather than stating what s/he would like to achieve.
Sometimes, to overcome an impasse, I carry out a shrewd move and offer
the resisting colleague an object such as a pen, a document, a paper
during the meeting to influence his/her chosen closed position

physically. This can result in them opening their folded hands, or
shifting forward in their chair. Also, my leaning forward toward them
will create some physical response in them. The change in the outward
behavior changes the inner attitudes, just as behaviors are a reflection of
inner attitudes.
To overcome an impasse, I carry out a shrewd move and offer the
resisting colleague an object such as a pen, a document, a paper
during the meeting to influence his/her chosen closed position
physically.

The world is getting smaller and closer. We live in one global village, or
at least it feels like that. However, our individual distances increase and
our daily interactions with others become less frequent and often are
mediated through digital means: Email, Internet, forums, web
collaboration tools, phones, texts and more. We are required to deliver
more, faster and receive input from people far away that we may
sparingly 'see' face-to-face.
On the one hand, we get fewer opportunities to interact and on the other
hand, those few face-to-face interactions become increasingly vital. In
our interactions, the lines of command tend to be blurred and
responsibility, or accountability, isn't properly defined. Achieving
results in this environment is elusive and challenging. Leadership is the
de facto requirement and building relationships through positive
win/win influence is imperative.
Overcoming resistance and achieving change is obligatory. In many
workshops, consulting engagements and projects which I lead, I witness
that lack of talent, professionalism or abilities is rarely the barrier to
success. Rather, it is the missing human interaction element. The teams
aren't functioning because of lack of leadership. Managers are dictating
instead of cultivating. Partners are talking rather than listening. Conflict
is mismanaged and negotiations are unnecessarily prolonged.
This is exactly where implementing the concepts that have been
presented in this book are relevant. The ability to streamline a win/win
decision, to mollify power plays, and accentuate the proper course of
action, maintain awareness in tricky high stakes meetings are all about
leadership and silent influencing. The ideas presented might be testing
and awkward initially, yet this is an exciting path to follow, the benefits
reaped are great, and your success in increasing your silent influencing
is certain. Good luck!

Best of Luck, Thank you for your Time, and Lead ON
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While editing and changing the book, enhancing it for the second
edition, I noticed that I mentioned Gestalt a few times. On the one hand
I dont want to tell you to read another book of mine to learn about
Gestalt, as it is a cheap marketing ploy (which I find improper). On the
other hand I dont want to upset the structure of this book. Therefore I
opted to take the part I think is relevant to this book and added it at the
end right here.

The German word gestalt cannot be translated into an equivalent, single
English term. It encompasses such a wide variety of concepts: a shape, a
pattern, a whole form, and a configuration. Gestalt therapy draws on all
of these meanings, with equal emphasis on the organized whole and on
the notion of pattern.
Gestalt therapy is a holistic, process-oriented, dialogical,
phenomenological, existential, and field theoretical approach to human
change with the centrality of contact, awareness, and personal
responsiveness and responsibility. Primacy is given to the uniqueness of
the individual. The person is never reduced to parts and structural
entities but viewed as an integrated whole with innate potential of
growth and mature self-expression. Of crucial importance is the
interplay between biological maturation, environmental influences,
interaction of the individual and the environment, and creative
adjustment (Yontef, 1933). Gestalt therapy is about the aliveness and
excitement, the awareness of choice everyone has in creating their lives.
The Gestalt that Fritz Perls created, as the official founder of Gestalt
therapy (he preferred to be called the finder or re-finder), is
predominantly a synthesis of many existing elements and concepts
interrelated into a meaningful, new whole. He wove the new Gestalt out
of different bodies of knowledge and disciplines, and was particularly
influenced by existential philosophy, phenomenology, holism,
humanism, Gestalt psychology, bio-energetics, orthodox and
interpersonal psychoanalysis, and Eastern philosophies (Clarkson &
Mackewn, 1993). The Zeitgeist, the historical and cultural situation that
prevailed during his lifetime in combination with numerous political
upheavals, and his exposure to different cultures, left clear marks on this
revolutionary new theory.
From: Gestalt Therapy Theory: An Overview. By Maria Kirchner
Okay, thats nice to know, however what is all this psychological theory
to do with powerful teams?
Quite a lot: Self-disclosure is a fundamental concept within Gestalt
therapy, using I instead of W, is another. The third secret is the
Gestalt concepts of: Introjecting, Retroflecting and projecting. Hey,
dont stop reading now You might have heard of projection, which is
a highly known psychological Freudian concept. Gestalt however refers
to an active process therefore all the above-mentioned concepts are
active things which occur between individuals and are extremely
noticeable in team behaviors.
Lets put these concepts into action, I will be using simple explanations
and not psychological theoretical ones:
Projecting is an active process by which one person assigns his beliefs,
ideas, concepts, thoughts, and feelings onto another individual. For
example the parent might be hungry during a family road trip but instead
of saying: I am hungry lets stop for a burger, he will say: the kids
are hungry lets stop at McDonalds.
Does this happen in team interactions? Sure, and quite often!
Remember the case study:
And so it continues for ten more minutes when Ashley says:
I think that the team can use a break now.
The above statement is a very common projecting statement, where a
person takes his wants and needs and puts it in the mouth of someone
else. The result? Masked interactions.
Projecting occurs often when team members and leaders are afraid to
speak out, communicating their individual wants and needs, masking
them by using: YOU or WE.
We mentioned this behavior in the previous secret, and indeed using
WE is a form of projecting. Team members and leaders can be
cognizant of projecting by monitoring the amount of I and YOU that
occur during team interactions.

Introjecting is an active process: when introjecting a person performs
according to his understanding and belief of what the norms, accepted,
approved processes, guidelines, behaviors are. Thus he will operate in
line with the social accepted behavior for the situation.
This is mostly manifested and exhibited in the word: Should.
The Shoulds are at the basis of our culture and civilization, without
them we will not be able to operate within society. Reflect about that for
a moment, a lot of how we operate within a given context is based on
how we believe we are supposed to behave in that specific context.
Actually without a powerful belief and conviction in the shoulds our
society will crumble.
Different cultures have varying level of adherence to the shoulds. I
should always obey commands is a good example of how total
adherence to shoulds can create horrific consequences.
The excessive use of Shoulds in teams kills creativity, freethinking,
out-of-the-box solutions, and thus constrains the team to a predefined
and safe course of action.
Team members and leaders would be wise to notice how much of their
communication is peppered with these shoulds - we will revisit the
concept of shoulds later on in a discussion concerning NLP.
Remember Marks email to Ed and Beverly?
Hello team,
w e should really try to stick to our defined way of work
because this is what helps us, but sometimes I see that its
better to err on the safe side in terms of task completion. You
dont want to make mistakes while reporting that understood.
We should as a team work together.
Mark
What does Mark imply with his shoulds? Maybe a better and clear
way of saying his first sentences is:
I want us to work according to how we defined
How about the last sentence in his email? Can it be rephrased into
something more direct, that can rally the team around, which also
exhibits self-disclosure?
I want us to work together, I prefer to carry out these
discussions over the phone, this will contribute to a quicker
resolution of issues
Notice the difference between the first message in the original email
which is abstract, indirect and carries little force compared with the
altered rephrased message which is potent and clear.
Retroflecting freely defined, is an active process by which one person
performs to himself what he would rather do to someone else. It is a
constraining, self afflicting behavior which also can be seen in the
context of protecting our social relationships.
An example in a team interaction might be when someone speaks, while
other team members bite their lips. Lip biting is a powerful retroflecting
example, as it shows energy which would like to be released only to be
held back by the person experiencing it. As a team leader or member
notice lip biting, it is an indicator of discontent and agitation. It can also
signal that the person wishes to speak, however s/he does not want to
interrupt as We should not interrupt one another is a powerful
should in many teams (i.e. Introjecting). S/he also believes that if s/he
does interrupt the other team members will be unhappy and the leader
would frown upon him/her (i.e. Projecting since s/he is putting his/her
thoughts on the team members and the leader when actually s/he will
frown upon himself for interrupting) what remains for him/her to do
is to bite his/her lips (i.e. Retroflecting). The three concepts tend to
operate integrally.
Another great example in team interactions is clutching of fingers as

someone else is speaking. This might be a restraint on a wish to strike
out at that specific person. Watch out how people hold their hands as
other people are speaking, its an amazing cue to their acceptance or
disagreement of what another team member is saying.
Heres another physical example of retroflecting - slowly massaging the
back of the neck as someone else in the team is speaking, making an
argument towards, disagreeing etc. the person massaging the back of the
neck is actually holding the energy instead of saying something like:
this is the stupidest idea I have ever heard . Observe and remain
cognizant of this behavior of rubbing back of the neck.
Noticing retroflecting behaviors assist the team leader and team
members in dismantling conflict situations by putting the conflict out in
the open.
When someone is biting his lips, the team leader might ask, in a
nonthreatening way: does anyone have anything to say, or if there is
enough trust and confidence in the team he can ask the person who was
biting his lips: would you like to add something. Alternatively, the
team leader might offer her perception and see how this impacts the
team. If you are biting your lips during team interactions or elsewhere,
what can you do for yourself to ease your burden?
Asking open-ended questions when any of the above behaviors are seen,
is a good method to dismantle the energy that has been built and held at
bay by introjecting.
Important notice how the concepts function together
Lip biting can signal that the person wishes to speak, however s/he does
not want to interrupt as We should not interrupt one another this is
an example of introjecting. S/he also believes that if s/he does interrupt
the other team members will be unhappy and the leader would frown
upon him/her this is an example of Projecting since s/he is putting
his/her thoughts on the team members and the leader when actually s/he
will frown upon himself for interrupting) what remains for him/her to
do is to bite his/her lips (i.e. Retroflecting). The three concepts
operate at once.

Ive been receiving lots of questions from readers about the concepts
presented in the book. Many are related to the body language concepts
presented. While Silent influencing isnt a body language book, it
draws on the art of body language. Thats right the art and not the
science. Having read my fair share of: do this and do not do that, body
language books, I am weary the dangers behind those so called scientific
volumes. I decided to quote below a summary of the Harvard
communication letter about body language presented by Nick Morgan. It
questions the so called hard fact body language truisms that too
frequently believed and acted upon. As I have mentioned many times in
this book it is the change of the behavior and the context of the
change that you must focus on, all else are distractions.
Most people call it "body language"the clues to the

meaning and intent of communication from others that we get
from gesture, facial expression, postureeverything that isn't
spoken. The experts call it "nonverbal communication," but it
amounts to the same thing: a second source of human
communication that is often more reliable or essential to
understanding what is really going on than the words
themselves.
Or is it? Accurate knowledge of body language is essential for
success in interpersonal relations, whether in the business
world or in personal life. However, much of our
understanding is instinctiveand a good deal of it is wrong,
according to modern communications research. What follows
are some of the hardier myths, and the reality behind them.
1. A liar can't look you straight in the eye. There is a

persistent belief that people with shifty eyes are probably
lying. As Paul Ekman says in his classic work, Telling Lies:
Clues to Deceit in the Marketplace, Politics, and Marriage,
"When we asked people how they would tell if someone were
lying, squirming and shifty eyes were the winners. [But] clues
that everyone knows about, that involve behavior that can be
readily inhibited, won't be very reliable if the stakes are high
and the liar does not want to be caught."
Ekman goes on to argue against attributing too much
meaning to such behavior for two reasons. First of all,
although this kind of nonverbal communication most reliably
signals the presence of some kind of emotion, that emotion
may or may not mean that someone is lying. Nervousness
can, for example, manifest itself as shifty eyes. But there are
many reasons for nervousness. To understand what the
behavior means, you still have to interpret the emotion.
Second, Ekman has found that one group in particular excels
at making eye contact that appears very sincere: pathological
liars. Hence, it is not safe to rely on eye contact as a measure
of sincerity or truthfulness.
2. When meeting someone, the more eye contact, the
better. This long-held belief is the inverse of the idea that
shifty-eyed people are liars. The result is an unfortunate
tendency for people making initial contactas in a job
interview, for exampleto stare fixedly at the other human.
This behavior is just as likely to make the interviewer

uncomfortable as not. Most of us are comfortable with eye
contact lasting a few seconds, but any eye contact that persists
longer than that can make us nervous. We assume that there
is something else going onan attempt to initiate flirtatious
behavior, perhaps. Indeed, studies on flirting show that
prolonged eye contact is an early step in the process.
3. Putting your hands behind your back is a power
gesture. For years presentation coaches have taught people to
put their hands behind their backs in what is sometimes called
the "Prince Charles" stance, in the mistaken belief that the
heir to the British throne is a good model for strong body
language. Since he's a prince, the thinking goes, and he stands
that way a lot, it must be powerful.
Actually, the research shows that most people find the gesture
untrustworthyif we can't see what your hands are doing,
we're suspicious. So if your goal is to increase trust in any
given situation, don't put your hands behind your back.
4. "Steepling" your fingers shows that you're intellectual.
Again, this technique is one that has been taught by many
speech coaches. A good deal of research over the years
correlates hand gestures toward the lower part of the face with
thinkingstroking the chin, propping the chin in the hand,
putting a finger on the cheek. If thinking is a sign of
intellectualism, we should presumably be demonstrating this
trait by indulging in a lot of hand-to-face contact.
The experts distinguish between "emblems," which are

gestures with specific meanings in certain cultures, and
gestures, which are intended to assist meaning but lack
specific content. An example of an emblem is the hand sign
that indicates "OK" in the United States. The same emblem
has an obscene meaning in some Mediterranean countries.
An example of a gesture is the waving of hands we all indulge
in when searching for a word. Steepling falls somewhere in
between; it is a gesture without any specific meaning, but it is
more deliberate than a mere waving of the hands. The best
that can be said about it is that it may signal intellectual
pretensions on the part of the communicator!
5. High-status people demonstrate their dominance of
others by touching them. Another widely accepted belief is
that powerful people in societyoften menshow their
dominance over others by touching them in a variety of ways.
In fact, the research shows that in almost all cases, lowerstatus people initiate touch. And women initiate touch more
often than men do.
In his book The Right Touch: Understanding and Using the
Language of Physical Contact, Stanley E. Jones describes a
study of a public health organization: "The group studied was
a detoxification clinic, a place where alcoholism is treated.
This was an ideal setting in which to study status, sex roles,
and touching. [The] findings showed two clear trends. First,
women on the average initiated more touches to men than
vice versa. Second, touching tended to flow upwards, not

downwards, in the hierarchy."
6. People smile when they're happy. People smile for all
sorts of reasons, only one of which is to signal happiness.
Ekman describes many kinds of smiles, from the "felt" or true
smile to the fear smile, the contempt smile, the dampened
smile, the miserable smile, and a number of others. Daniel
McNeill, author of The Face: A Natural History, says,
"Smiling is innate and appears in infants almost from
birth....The first smiles appear two to twelve hours after birth
and seem void of content. Infants simply issue them, and they
help parents bond. We respond; they don't know what they're
doing. The second phase of smiling begins sometime between
the fifth week and fourth month. It is the "social smile," in
which the infant smiles while fixing its gaze on a person's
face."
Whatever their origin or motivation, smiles have a powerful
effect on us humans. As McNeill points out, "Though
courtroom judges are equally likely to find smilers and
nonsmilers guilty, they give smilers lighter penalties, a
phenomenon called the 'smile-leniency effect.'"
7. Voices rise when speakers are angry. Again, nonverbal
communication reliably signals the presence of emotion, but
not the specific emotion. A rising voice is associated with a
variety of emotions, including anger, but also nervousness,
fear, excitement, hysteria, and others. You must always
consider the communicator and the context carefully. Experts

like Ekman warn that unless you have a good understanding
of someone's basic communication patterns, you will have
little hope in accurately deciphering the person's less routine
signals.
"The best-documented vocal sign of emotion is pitch," says
Ekman. And yet he also says, "While most of us believe that
the sound of the voice tells us what emotion a person feels,
scientists studying the voice are still not certain."
8. You can't trust a fast-talking salesman. The belief that
speed and deception go together is a widespread and enduring
one. From the rapid patter of Professor Hill in The Music
Man to the absurdly fast speech of the FedEx guy in the TV
commercial from a few years back, we react stronglyand
suspiciouslyto fast talk. People talk at an average rate of
125 to 225 words per minute; at the upper end of that range
listeners typically find themselves beginning to resist the
speaker. However, as Ekman says, the opposite is greater
cause for suspicion. Speech that is slow, because it is laced
with pauses, is a more reliable indicator of deception than the
opposite.
"The most common vocal deception clues are pauses," says
Ekman. "The pauses may be too long or too frequent.
Hesitating at the start of a speaking turn, particularly if the
hesitation occurs when someone is responding to a question,
may arouse suspicion. So may shorter pauses during the
course of speaking if they occur often enough. Speech errors

may also be a deception clue. These include nonwords, such
as 'ah,' 'aaa,' and 'uhh'; repetitions, such as 'I, I, I mean I
really...'; and partial words, such as I rea-really liked it.'
"These vocal clues to deceitspeech errors and pausescan
occur for two related reasons. The liar may not have worked
out her line ahead of time. If she did not expect to lie, or if she
was prepared to lie but didn't anticipate a particular question,
she may hesitate or make speech errors. But these can also
occur when the line is well prepared. High detection
apprehension may cause the prepared liar to stumble or forget
her line."
Most of the research into nonverbal communications shows
that people are not very good at masking their feelings.
Emotions do leak out regularly, in many ways. And yet, the
research also shows that most of us are not as good at
decoding those emotions as we would like to think. Young
people are significantly worse at both signaling emotions and
reading them. Although we do learn as we grow older, we
should remain wary; in the end, body language conveys
important but unreliable clues about the intent of the
communicator. The more information you can get about the
clues you are trying to decode, the more likely you will be to
decode them correctly.
Before you go.

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Table of Contents
About this Guide
Chapter 1: Revealing - Silent Influencing and Leadership--The not so
learned Art
Observing Clusters
Maintaining Context
Hand presentation
The hand forward palm upward
The hand forward palm downward
The hand balled to a fist presentation
To have an equal handshake that conveys equality, the hand has to be
vertical to the ground
What should you do to outmaneuver a weak inferior
handshake position
What if you want to move away from a weak inferior
handshake position
Chapter 3: Important! Recognizing and Utilizing Stress, Resentment,
and Inconsistent Behavior
Exercise #5: Recognizing personal stress and inconsistencies
In your face
Covering the mouth with one hand

Covering the eyes
Scratching the nose
Scratching the ear
Scratching the side of the neck
Chapter 4: Tested - Influencing Silently--Integrating for Powerful
Results
Fist
A hand curled into a fist is a gesture of violence and can actually be a
sign of a coming physical blow.
Folded hands
A word about legs
I am the BOSS
Chapter 5: Ultimately - Ready, Set, Action--Creating change
Appearing smart
Before you go.

Michael Nir - Silent Influencing - Employing Powerful Techniques For Influence and Leadership

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Silent Influencing

It is the change of the behavior and the context of the

Third Kindle Edition 2014 by Michael Nir

What readers say about this book:

Bottom line: this is a very helpful and practical little

through body language, and are not afraid of getting up from

About the Author

Qualify now for a FREE online personal coaching and mentoring

Hand and finger position

Before you go.

About this Guide

Chapter 1: Revealing - Silent

Alfred the great, king of Wessex received little formal

consisting mainly of words. Sometimes we gain certificates attesting to

Exercise #1: The Mirror--An Awareness Exercise

Exercise #2: Awareness in Context

Influencing across cultures

Chapter 2: Reliably Influencing through your Hands

Watch your thoughts; they become words.

The hands always communicate

The hand forward palm downward gestures conveys authority, threat,

The hand balled to a fist presentation signifies stress, discomfort,

Exercise #3: Hand and palm presentations

Combining palm positions in introductions

Having shaken hands when interviewing prospective employees, I can

What characterizes the modern handshake? Recall our previous

The number of shakes or pumps, is based on preference and cultural

At times, you will come across a rather enthusiastic partner, who

What if you want to move away from a weak inferior handshake

weaknesses or shortcomings elsewhere.

You can move away from a weak inferior handshake position by

Guidelines for how to influence through introductions

Stretch your hand forward at an acceptable distance; maintain the

Exercise #4: Continue these introductions

Chapter 3: Important! Recognizing and Utilizing Stress,

degrees of freedom in decision-making.

What happens in your body as you are saying these sentences?

Hand and finger position

ground, the more the speaker is replying just to placate. He intends to

Covering the eyes: Covering or rubbing an eye briefly, lead to breaking

Scratching the nose: Repeatedly rubbing or scratching the nose, is a

Observing the various rubbing gestures we have been presenting, you

Scratching the side of the neck: the listener scratches absentmindedly,

Chapter 4: Tested - Influencing Silently--Integrating for

While rehearsing his opera Flavio, Handel the famous

Hands in the pockets

The retroflecting activity of the curl into a fist is a gesture of holding

retroflecting examples: biting the upper or lower lip, a light self-tap on

blocking gesture can be a projection by you, of your lack of confidence

Standing up with folded hand

Sitting down with folded hand and legs crossed

A word about legs

Exercise #6: Gestures and Behaviors

Chapter 5: Ultimately - Ready, Set, Action--Creating

Influencing Through Surrounding Space

Changing Difficult Settings

during the meeting to influence his/her chosen closed position

Silently Influencing Conclusion

is certain. Good luck!

2nd edition update a glimpse into Gestalt

The Magic of Simple Gestalt Concepts

occur during team interactions.

Another great example in team interactions is clutching of fingers as