401 - Alone

[Megan's office. Day. Megan Bradberry walks through the

office, cradling her cell phone on her shoulder, talking to
her boyfriend, Ben Prosner.]

MEGAN BRADBERRY: [into phone] Yeah, I said I'm sorry. I'm
just not feeling too hot.

INTERCUT WITH: [Office Parking Lot. Day. Ben Prosner gets
out of his car, speaking to her.]

BEN PROSNER: [into phone] You're sneezing. You can do
that at a movie theatre.

MEGAN BRADBERRY: [into phone] Yeah, and I'll be in a nice
old chair when I collapse. I'm exhausted, babe.

BEN PROSNER: [into phone] Oh, come on! We're gonna be
late! Episode Four never comes to the big screen. This is the
pre-Lucas-ised version, remember? None of that "Greedo
shooting first" crap.

MEGAN BRADBERRY: [into phone] Go without me.

BEN PROSNER: [into phone] What are you talking about?
You love Star Wars. [uncertain] Don't you?

MEGAN BRADBERRY: [into phone] Ben...

[She hands a sheet of paper to a spectacled lady sitting at
her cubicle.]

BEN PROSNER: [into phone, scandalized] Since when?

MEGAN BRADBERRY: [into phone] Since just before I
started pretending I loved it.

[He lets out a loud sigh.]

MEGAN BRADBERRY: [into phone] I'm sorry. I was just
trying to be supportive.

BEN PROSNER: [into phone, shortly] Fine. I'll go alone.

[He hangs up, peeved.]

[She hangs up as well, shaking her head.]

[He stands a while, sighing. He takes a look at the office
building (where she works). He thinks for a second or
two...]

[Her phone rings, as she walks between cubicles. She
answers it.]

BEN PROSNER: [into phone, sincere] Baby, I'm sorry.

MEGAN BRADBERRY: [into phone] Me too. I'm so woozy I
can hardly think.

BEN PROSNER: [into phone] We'll hang out at home.

MEGAN BRADBERRY: [into phone] No, you should go.

[Suddenly, there's a rumbling sound and the office starts to
shake. Big ripples appear in the water cooler bottle. She
looks around, warily.]

MEGAN BRADBERRY: [into phone] Did you just feel
something?

[Outside, the place is still. Ben looks around, confused.]

BEN PROSNER: [into phone] Feel? Like what?

MEGAN BRADBERRY: [into phone] Is there an earthquake?

[She sees someone's hula girl toy, perched on top of a
cubicle wall, swaying.]

BEN PROSNER: [into phone] In New Jersey?

MEGAN BRADBERRY: [into phone] Oh, God.

BEN PROSNER: [into phone] What?

MEGAN BRADBERRY: [into phone] I think I'm, like...

[A ceiling light starts to flicker, while the ceiling itself starts
to break apart.]

MEGAN BRADBERRY: [into phone] ...hallucinating.

[The hula girl toy is now rocking back and forth like crazy.
The water in the cooler bottle is now splashing around
heavily. The ceiling starts to shake harder, while the light
flickers on and off.]

MEGAN BRADBERRY: [scared, into phone] Call 911.

[The ceiling light falls out.]

[A loud scream is heard, as Ben watches in horror as the
office building explodes from inside. A huge cloud of dust
and debris flies towards him, as he falls back, covering
himself. When the dust finally settles, Ben, covered in dust
and covering his mouth with his jacket, stands up slowly. A
car alarm sounds in the background. Papers fly everywhere.
Ben looks horrified at the collapsed building. The camera
pans upwards, past the twisted metal and debris, and
focuses on the dusty hula girl toy, still swaying.]

[Aerial View of Princeton-Plainsboro Teaching Hospital
(PPTH). Day. A really loud and pretty well-played guitar riff
is heard.]

[House's Office. Day. Dr. Gregory House tries to bring the
house down (idiomatically) with a new V-shaped electric
guitar, connected to an amplifier. He continues to play as
his patient, yet long-suffering boss, Dr. Lisa Cuddy, tries to
get through to him.]

LISA CUDDY: Twenty-six-year-old female, gas main
exploded under her building, she was pulled out of the
rubble after six hours.

[House couldn't care less. He plays the same loud guitar riff
again, drawing annoyed stares (like he gives a crap) from
passers-by. ]

LISA CUDDY: [continuing when he's done] Two surgeries for
multiple fractures and burns.

GREG HOUSE: I'm thinking the broken bones are a response
to the building falling on her head. [gives her a "but-I-could-
be-wrong" shrug]

[He continues playing. She walks up.]

LISA CUDDY: And the fever? She's the only collapse victim
whose body temperature...

GREG HOUSE: [interrupting] Put her on antipyretics.

[He continues playing the guitar. Cuddy patiently waits for
him to stop. She speaks when he does.]

LISA CUDDY: Already have. The fever's holding at a
hundred-and-four. Fluctuating consciousness.

GREG HOUSE: Can't take the case. I don't have a team.

LISA CUDDY: [smilingly holds up a file of rsums] So hire a
team.

GREG HOUSE: What for? I don't have a case.

[She puts the file on his desk.]

LISA CUDDY: Have you even interviewed anybody?

GREG HOUSE: You test drive a car before you buy it. You
have sex before you get married. I can't hire a team based
on a ten-minute interview. What if I don't like having sex
with them?

[He lower-lip-pouts and twangs the guitar (quite funny). He
starts to play again. She walks over to the amplifier and
yanks out the cable, effectively stopping the rendition.]

LISA CUDDY: You've spent the last two weeks doing
absolutely nothing. Concert is over.

GREG HOUSE: In what twisted universe does mastering
Eddie Van Halen's two-handed arpeggio technique count as
absolutely nothing?

LISA CUDDY: [threatening] Take the case or you will spend
the next month helping the collapse team change
bandages.

[Resigned, House looks down.]

GREG HOUSE: [betting] I diagnose her... alone... by the end
of the day, you go away for a week.

LISA CUDDY: Done.

[She dangles the guitar cable in front of him, almost daring
him to keep playing now. He takes it and she walks out. He
shakes the lead at her as she leaves and throws the cable
aside.]


[Cuddy's Office. Day. Cuddy speaks to House's long-
suffering (and only) friend, Dr. James Wilson, about the
bet.]

JAMES WILSON: It's not gonna work.

LISA CUDDY: If he solves the case, we cure the girl.

JAMES WILSON: And prove he doesn't need a team.

LISA CUDDY: He's not gonna solve the case. Not that fast.

JAMES WILSON: Why not?

LISA CUDDY: [insisting] Because he needs a team! And this'll
prove to him...

JAMES WILSON: You wanna change his mind about
something, you need a more convincing argument than
"You promised."

[They look at each other.]

[Diagnostics Office (adjoining House's Office). Day. House
writes "FEVER" on his beloved whiteboard.]

GREG HOUSE: [announcing as he writes] Fever. Non-
responsive to antibiotics and antipyretics.

[He writes "FL. CONSC.".]

GREG HOUSE: Fluctuating consciousness. Go!

[He turns around to an empty table. Duh! He sighs and
snaps the lid on the marker.]

LEON THE JANITOR: [vo] You talking to me?

[House turns and sees a heavy-set, balding janitor (Leon the
Janitor) in his office, with his cleaning stuff.]

GREG HOUSE: [thinks a sec] Yes.

[Leon sits in front of House, as House analogizes the case
with his understanding of janitorial duties.]

GREG HOUSE: Imagine that... the roof of the storage closet
collapses on your favorite... [seeing the spray bottle in
Leon's hand] floor buffer. Which then starts overheating.

LEON THE JANITOR: Why would I have a favorite floor
buffer?

[House gives him a "Because..." look.]

LEON THE JANITOR: Okay. [thinks] Maybe the electrical
works got banged up in there from stuff falling on it.

GREG HOUSE: Hmm, interesting. Brain damage leading to
hypothalamic dysregulation.

[He turns to write it on the whiteboard, but stops.]

GREG HOUSE: Nah. If you're brought in covered in rubble,
it's all about the MRIs. We'd have seen that. [clapping his
hands] C'mon! Gotta earn that fiver.

LEON THE JANITOR: [pointing to the spray] Or stuff leaked
in the holes, messing it up.

GREG HOUSE: Lacerations leave multiple portals for
infection. Bacteria would've responded to the antibiotics. 'S
too high for viral.

[He starts to write on the 'board.]

GREG HOUSE: [as he writes] Parasites or fungus is possible.

LEON THE JANITOR: Or maybe lupus.

[House stops writing and shoots him a questioning look.]

LEON THE JANITOR: Grandma has lupus.

[House shrugs and starts to write again.]

GREG HOUSE: [writing] Okay, autoimmune. I'll run a lupus
panel. Infection fits best. Complete history would be
helpful. Which leads to the worst part of the job.

[He takes his cane off the board and turns to Leon.]

GREG HOUSE: Dealing with the floor buffer's family.

[He looks at Leon and frowns, an idea forming in his twisted
mind.]

[Megan's Room. Day. House speaks to Megan's mother,
while Ben stands nearby.]

MRS. BRADBERRY: We talked every couple of weeks, but
Ben would know better than I...

BEN PROSNER: No farms, no travel anywhere weird.

GREG HOUSE: You get that, Dr. Buffer?

[Camera pans off Ben to "Dr. Buffer", or should we say,
Leon the Janitor in a lab coat.]

"DR. BUFFER": No travel, no farm.

GREG HOUSE: The file says she was sick before the building
collapsed.

[House looks at Megan's unconscious form on the bed, her
face disfigured horribly. Her left eye is stitched shut, her
cheeks are swollen, her mouth has multiple stitches on it.
She breathes through a respirator.]

BEN PROSNER: I figured it was just a cold. Why, do you
think's related?

GREG HOUSE: Her being sick and her being sick? Often is.

BEN PROSNER: She was unconscious when I found her.

[House flashes a pen light in her eye.]

BEN PROSNER: [hesitates] We'd been fighting. I just
wanna... Just tell me she's gonna be okay.

GREG HOUSE: [as cruel as he can be] I'm not even sure
you're gonna be okay.

[Ben looks down in grief. "Dr. Buffer" walks forward and
gently places his hand on Ben's shoulder, much to House's
surprise.]

"DR. BUFFER": [sympathetic] We're gonna make her all
better.

[Ben nods in gratitude. House looks at the touching
moment, almost nauseous.]

[PPTH Hallway. Day. House and "Dr. Buffer" walk.]

GREG HOUSE: Show-off.

"DR. BUFFER": You oughta be nicer to people.

[House gives him a dubious look.]

"DR. BUFFER": Where are we going?

[House pulls the stethoscope off "Dr. Buffer's" neck.]

GREG HOUSE: You know how the laughter of little children
is infectious? Well, parasites and fungi are even more so.
We're gonna find out which one is making her brain bubble
over.

"DR. BUFFER": Where, the building?

GREG HOUSE: EPA's doing that job for us. They say it's
clean. Which means we're making a pilgrimage to Castle
Blackberry.

"DR. BUFFER": [checking the file] Her name's Bradberry. I
should ask them for keys.

GREG HOUSE: No need. I'm sure we can find a large rock
somewhere.

["Dr. Buffer" stops walking.]

"DR. BUFFER": I'm not breaking into somebody's house.

[House stops and turns towards him.]

"DR. BUFFER": I got principles.

GREG HOUSE: [patting his pocket] I got some loose change
here says you don't.

"DR. BUFFER": [shaking his head] I'm not doing this... for
less than a fifty.

[House drops his head and looks at "Dr. Buffer".]


[House's Car. Day. Handheld camera inside the car. House
drives, with Wilson as his passenger. They drive through the
suburbs.]

JAMES WILSON: Where's the restaurant?

GREG HOUSE: What restaurant?

JAMES WILSON: The one you said you were taking me to for
lunch.

GREG HOUSE: Oh. [points to one house] Uhhh, this one's
homier. Dibs on the cold pizza.

[Wilson looks bewildered. House fixes his Disability card
under his rear-view mirror.]

[Outside Megan and Ben's home. Day. House and Wilson
stand outside, while House tries to jimmy the lock.]

JAMES WILSON: I'm sure it looked easier on YouTube.

[House has no success with the lock. He stands up and takes
his cane from Wilson. He looks around for witnesses and
then, breaks the window (near the lock) with the cane.]

GREG HOUSE: Oops.

[Putting his arm through the broken window, he unlocks
the door.]

[Megan and Ben's home, kitchen. House opens a cabinet,
looks around and shuts it. Sitting on his haunches, he opens
the cabinet underneath the washbasin and looks around.
Wilson walks up, complaining.]

JAMES WILSON: Yeah, you don't need a team. You can't
even get arrested without company.

GREG HOUSE: You're right. Only one solution. Never replace
'em. Ever.

JAMES WILSON: Do you need help?

[House grimaces in pain.]

GREG HOUSE: Yeah, yeah, patronize the poor cripple.

[He tries to move.]

GREG HOUSE: [wincing] Ow.

JAMES WILSON: Lemme... get that.

GREG HOUSE: I got it.

[Wilson kneels down and reaches for House's cotton swab.]

JAMES WILSON: Will you... let me... just let me get it.

[House hands him the swab and turns around, trying not to
smile. He stands upright, smiling victoriously.]

GREG HOUSE: I'll check the bedroom.

[Megan and Ben's home, bedroom. House jumps onto the
bed and lies down comfortably.]

GREG HOUSE: [calling out, as if hard at work] Some
interesting mold on the windowsill here! It's gonna take me
a while.

JAMES WILSON: [resigned] I'll cover the bathroom.

[Still on the bed, House looks at some books ("Zodiac
Signs", "The Princess and the Wolf") on the nightstand
nearby. He has a thought and props his head up. He turns
his head towards the bookcase. He looks at the books,
neatly standing on the shelves - except for one ("Old Bug"),
which juts out halfway. He gets up off the bed and limps
towards the bookcase. He removes the "Old Bug" book and
pulls out another one (hidden behind it). He opens it,
finding handwritten text inside.]

[Megan and Ben's home, kitchen. Wilson sits at the
counter, cutting up a newspaper, when House enters,
reading the book he unearthed.]

GREG HOUSE: She had a secret diary.

JAMES WILSON: Is there any other kind?

GREG HOUSE: What're you doing?

JAMES WILSON: There's a sale on Liquid Tide.

GREG HOUSE: If you're broke, I can lend you a tiny bit of the
money I owe you.

JAMES WILSON: No, no, I wouldn't put you in that position.
What does the diary say?

GREG HOUSE: It's basically a list of her sexual encounters.
Boys, girls, vibrating appliances.

JAMES WILSON: If it was, you'd be quoting, not
summarizing.

GREG HOUSE: [reading the diary] This is a parade of sad
banalities. "I can hardly get out of bed. Feeling blue." Then,
three months ago, turns into a parade of happy banalities.
"Starting to turn the corner. Job's looking up."

JAMES WILSON: We can stop swabbing. Her clichs are
getting healthier.

GREG HOUSE: Or she's less depressed. Aren't there pills
that do that?

JAMES WILSON: Antidepressants don't cause fever.

GREG HOUSE: Not on their own. But the ER Didn't know she
was on MAO Inhibitors, so they gave her demerol. 'S a nasty
combo.

JAMES WILSON: So all you have to do is convince this kid
that his girlfriend had a secret doctor, and a secret stash,
and a secret life. It's been a while since a patient took a
swing at you. Can I watch?

[He picks up a box of chips.]

GREG HOUSE: I only have to convince the mother. [thinks]
Actually... I don't have to convince anyone.

[He puts a few chips in his mouth.]

[Megan's Room. Day. Ben speaks to someone offscreen
(who just told him the news).]

BEN PROSNER: This it total crap. If she was seeing a
psychiatrist, I'd know. If she was on drugs, I'd know.

[Camera pans from him to Leon, sorry, "Dr. Buffer" and
Mrs. BradBerry.]

"DR. BUFFER": [holding out the consent form] Mrs.
Bradberry, please sign the form so we can start the dialysis.

MRS. BRADBERRY: But why antidepressants? I don't
understand.

"DR. BUFFER": [repeats] Mrs. Bradberry, please sign the
form so we can start the dialysis.

BEN PROSNER: Stop saying that.

MRS. BRADBERRY: Dr. Buffer, what is going on? What aren't
you telling us?

["Dr. Buffer" wonders what to say.]

[Cuddy's Office. Day. The outraged mother and boyfriend
speak to an equally-outraged Cuddy (behind her desk),
while House lounges sheepishly nearby.]

BEN PROSNER: He's a janitor?

GREG HOUSE: More significantly, a blabbermouth.

[Cuddy moves her Dell flatscreen monitor out of the way,
so she can see him.]

LISA CUDDY: House, shut up! I am... very sorry how Dr.
House handled this. It is completely unforgivable.

[House gives her a look.]

LISA CUDDY: [uneasy] Except if he's right.

[Mrs. Bradberry frowns at her.]

LISA CUDDY: Dialysis will filter her blood.

BEN PROSNER: [firm] There's nothing to filter.

LISA CUDDY: Save her life.

BEN PROSNER: She wasn't depressed.

GREG HOUSE: "I'm miserable around Ben."

[Ben whirls around to look at him.]

GREG HOUSE: Not me. I like Ben. [pulling out the diary]
February 12th. [tosses it to Ben] Either she's depressed, or
she just thinks you're a jerk. Neither suggests that you
should be the one directing her medical treatment.

MRS. BRADBERRY: Does the diary say my daughter's taking
these drugs?

GREG HOUSE: No, but medically...

MRS. BRADBERRY: [interjecting] Did you find drugs in their
home?

GREG HOUSE: She's probably hiding them in her purse.
[stands] I thought it'd be rude to go searching under a
thousand tons of rubble.

[Meanwhile, Ben has been reading through the diary. He
looks up.]

BEN PROSNER: This was months ago. We were in a fight.
Doesn't mean she's depressed and it doesn't mean she
doesn't love me.

GREG HOUSE: Fine, maybe the diary proves nothing. On the
other hand, half the country's on antidepressants. And it
fits her symptoms perfectly.

[Ben and Mrs. Bradberry look at each other.]

GREG HOUSE: [to Mrs. Bradberry] No ring on your
daughter's finger means you make the decisions.

MRS. BRADBERRY: [stammers] I-I'm not sure... that I know
her well enough anymore.

GREG HOUSE: You really wanna risk her life on how well
_he_ knows her?

[Ben looks down. Mrs. Bradberry looks at him.]

[House's Office. Day. House triumphantly enters and limps
towards his desk. Immediately, he puts on the amplifier and
turns the volume up. The amplifier lets out a hum. He goes
over to the guitar stand and finds it empty! Surprised, he
looks around. He follows the amplifier cable along the floor,
up past his computer and sees the lead taped to the wall,
under a note, which has letters cut out from newspapers
and magazines. Understanding, he walks up to the note. It
reads:
I Have Your guitar
Tell No one
AWaiT MY inSTRUCTIONS
His phone rings. He answers it, speaking first.]

GREG HOUSE: [into phone] Wilson, you idiot.

[An electronically-masked voice speaks.]

THE GUITARNAPPER: [from phone] Listen carefully, and no
one will get hurt.

[House drops the receiver on his table and stalks out.]

THE GUITARNAPPER: [from phone] You must follow these
instructions.

[Wilson's Office. Day. Wilson, AKA The Guitarnapper,
speaks into his receiver, with a small bonesaw in front of
the mouthpiece.]

JAMES WILSON: [deep voice, into phone] Any attempt to
contact the FBI or other law enforcement agencies, or...
Cuddy, will be met with...

[House busts inside. Wilson quickly stops the saw and
speaks normally into the mouthpiece.]

JAMES WILSON: [into phone] ...and a large Coke. No ice.

[He hangs up.]

GREG HOUSE: Give it back.

JAMES WILSON: [innocently] What happened?

[House throws his head up in annoyance.]

JAMES WILSON: [melodramatic] Did someone... kidnap
your guitar?

[House starts to look around the place.]

JAMES WILSON: Your twelve-thousand-dollar 1967 Flying
V? Or something?

GREG HOUSE: Where'd you hide it?

[Wilson holds up the newspaper to read it.]

JAMES WILSON: I'm flattered you would consider me this
bold and brilliant.

GREG HOUSE: Yeah, it takes a cr...

[He stops, seeing pieces missing from Wilson's newspaper.]

GREG HOUSE: It takes a criminal mastermind to pull off a
heist from an unlocked, unguarded room down the hall.
What do you want?

JAMES WILSON: [bright-eyed] Me? Nothing. But I'm sure
the kidnapper wants what every kidnapper wants. To see
you interview five to seven well-qualified fellowship
candidates.

GREG HOUSE: [stubborn] I don't need a team.

JAMES WILSON: You were bouncing ideas off a janitor.

GREG HOUSE: [victorious] And solved the case!

[He leaves. Wilson slaps the newspaper on his desk,
irritated.]

[Megan's Room. While Mrs. Bradberry stands nearby,
Cuddy leans over the bed, speaking to an awake Megan.]

LISA CUDDY: [gently] Hi. I'm Dr. Cuddy. If you can hear what
I'm saying, blink once.

[Megan blinks. Mrs. Bradberry smiles in relief. Megan
wheezes, trying to touch her throat with her bandaged
hand. Cuddy gently moves her arm away.]

LISA CUDDY: You can't talk right now. You have a tube
down your throat. And try not to move your head. You've
been in a terrible accident. But it looks like you will have no
permanent injuries. You've had a bad fever, but it's gone
now.

BEN PROSNER: I've been here the whole time, honey, okay?

LISA CUDDY: This is very important. I need you to blink one
for "yes", twice for "no". Were you seeing a psychiatrist?

[Megan blinks once.]

LISA CUDDY: Were you on MAO Inhibitors? The
antidepressant.

[Blink. Mrs. Bradberry and Ben look at each other.]

BEN PROSNER: Megan, it's okay. Doesn't matter, okay? I
love you.

[Megan starts to breathe heavily. The monitors start to
beep rapidly.]

MRS. BRADBERRY: [scared] Honey? Honey, what's wrong?

LISA CUDDY: Megan, are you all right?

BEN PROSNER: What's happening? Are we upsetting her?

LISA CUDDY: Heart is beating too fast. [to an approaching
nurse] Get the family out of here.

MRS. BRADBERRY: [crying] Megan? Megan?

[Cuddy preps the defibrillator paddles.]

LISA CUDDY: Charging to two hundred.

[The nurse starts to usher a struggling Ben outside.]

BEN PROSNER: Meg, meg.

MRS. BRADBERRY: Megan.

[Cuddy places the paddles on Megan's chest.]

LISA CUDDY: Clear!

[Zap! Megan's chest lurches forward.]

[House's Office. Day. Cuddy (dressed almost conservatively)
sits alone in the office, when House walks in (wearing his
biker jacket and sunglasses). He enters slowly on seeing
her.]

LISA CUDDY: We shocked her back into sinus rhythm, but
she's still tachycardic.

GREG HOUSE: Fascinating. Equally fascinating is... why are
you here?

LISA CUDDY: I was gonna leave you alone if you won the
bet. [smiling] But you lost.

GREG HOUSE: I explained the fever. Which is all we were
talking about.

[He picks up an envelope, on which cutouts of "Dr." and
"house" are pasted. He opens it.]

GREG HOUSE: She confirmed the antidepressants. Go bet
with someone else if you want to explain the heart
problems.

LISA CUDDY: She confirmed them by winking. Maybe there
was a cute guy across the room.

[House extracts a Polaroid from the envelope and sees it's a
picture of his guitar, standing upright in a corner of a dreary
room, with a copy of today's newspaper in front of it.]

GREG HOUSE: She got better when I treated her. Even I'm
not that cute.

LISA CUDDY: Two unrelated symptoms, just a coincidence.
Or... you're grasping at straws to avoid admitting you can't
do this on your own.

GREG HOUSE: [putting the Polaroid on his desk] Fine, what
explains the fever and persistent tachycardia?

[He walks towards the Diagnostics Office. Cuddy follows
(almost Duckling-like).]

LISA CUDDY: Could be anything. Endocarditis.

GREG HOUSE: Nope. Fever, no infection.

LISA CUDDY: [thinking] Um...

GREG HOUSE: [hands her a marker] Keep going, you're
doing great.

[He leaves. She drops her hands.]

[Wilson's Office. Day. Wilson sits at his desk, when House
barges in.]

GREG HOUSE: You win.

JAMES WILSON: I don't believe you.

GREG HOUSE: I'm not gonna play this game. Just give me
the damn rsums.

[He holds his hand out for the files. Wilson calmly moves to
get them.]

GREG HOUSE: And my guitar.

JAMES WILSON: [innocently] I don't have it. Although I did
hear some plangent strumming from under that couch
earlier.

[House turns and limps quickly over to Wilson's couch. He
roughly moves it back and, finding nothing, turns to Wilson,
an annoyed look on his face.]

JAMES WILSON: Wow. This kidnapper isn't just bold, he's
diabolical. I guess he realized he probably shouldn't give it
back to you until after you've had the interviews.

[He holds up the files of rsums. Restraining himself,
House grabs the files and walks out. Wilson looks smug.]

[Diagnostics Office. Day. Cuddy sits on the table, the
whiteboard in front of her. House enters with the ransom
rsums. He notices the whiteboard's still blank. He goes
round it and sees it's blank behind as well.]

GREG HOUSE: Huh! You didn't write anything. So what
you're saying is, you didn't find that one big explanation...
'cause there isn't one. Clever.

LISA CUDDY: Well, let's just say, your antidepressant theory
does explain the fever. What about the heart? And don't
say a building fell on her.

GREG HOUSE: Okay... [clears his throat] A structure
collapsed...

LISA CUDDY: Shut up.

GREG HOUSE: Come on, it fits. Crushed musculature
releases potassium, causes V-Tach.

LISA CUDDY: You'd think she'd get Crush Syndrome after
she was crushed, not two days later.

GREG HOUSE: Microvascular occlusions. Takes that long for
the blood to reperfuse.

[Cuddy likes that idea.]

LISA CUDDY: She'd have a baggy heart. [tosses him the
marker] Echo it to confirm.

[She walks out.]

[Megan's Room. Day. House performs an echo on Megan,
while her mother and Ben stand close by.]

BEN PROSNER: Is Crush Syndrome good or bad?

GREG HOUSE: Does it sound good?

BEN PROSNER: I mean, compared to the other things it
could be.

GREG HOUSE: There are no other things it could be.

MRS. BRADBERRY: Then why are you testing her?

GREG HOUSE: Excellent question.

[He looks at the image of the heart beating and frowns.]

MRS. BRADBERRY: [apprehensively] What... what is it?

GREG HOUSE: The heart's fine.

BEN PROSNER: [looking at Megan] Why is she sweating?
[looking at the monitor] Her fever's back.

MRS. BRADBERRY: Why would her fever be back?

GREG HOUSE: I can't say.

BEN PROSNER: You don't know?

GREG HOUSE: I know, just can't say. 'Cause you'll hit me.
Let's discuss this in front of witnesses.

[Cuddy's Office. Day. House stands next to an ill-at-ease
Cuddy, behind her desk, speaking to Ben and Mrs.
Bradberry.]

MRS. BRADBERRY: [incredulous] The DTs?

BEN PROSNER: So she's an alcoholic now?

GREG HOUSE: Her first fever was from the medication for
her depression.

BEN PROSNER: Or you're wrong.

GREG HOUSE: The second fever was from the self-
medication for depression.

BEN PROSNER: This is insane. [angrily] You don't think I
would have noticed her being constantly drunk?

GREG HOUSE: [shrugs] You were practically living with
Sylvia Plath. You didn't notice that.

LISA CUDDY: [softly to him] Tone it down or I will hit you.

GREG HOUSE: Fine, I'll do liver enzyme tests.

LISA CUDDY: [whispers to him] Liver enzymes can also be
elevated from musculoskeletal trauma. They'd be there
whether she had a drinking problem or not.

GREG HOUSE: [whispers in mock-frustration] They don't
know that. Just pretend to confirm.

MRS. BRADBERRY: What's the treatment?

BEN PROSNER: [unrelenting] She's not an alcoholic.

GREG HOUSE: Hair of the dog, IV alcohol. Taper it off after a
few days.

BEN PROSNER: She's sick and traumatized and half-dead.
You wanna make her drunk.

MRS. BRADBERRY: [weakly] Just do it.

BEN PROSNER: [turning to her] You can't do this. We lived
together, we were gonna have kids. You barely even knew
her.

MRS. BRADBERRY: Apparently, neither did you.

[She walks off. Ben looks at Cuddy and House.]

[Aerial View of PPTH. Night.]

[House's Office. Might. House sits at his desk, in the
darkened office, his face illuminated by a reading lamp.
Putting on his glasses, he looks at a bunch of rsums.
Finding one that interests him, he calls the applicant.]

TREVOR KAUFMAN: [from phone, upbeat] Hello?

GREG HOUSE: [into phone] Hi, could I speak to Trevor...
[checks the rsum] Kaufman?

TREVOR KAUFMAN: [from phone] Yo, yo, it's Trev. What
up?

GREG HOUSE: [into phone] This is Dr. Gregory House. Can
you come in tomorrow to interview?

TREVOR KAUFMAN: [from phone] House? Are you serious?
Awesome! [whispering to someone on his side] Hey, dude, I
got the House interview!

[Trevor's roommate, who's either drunk or jealous, speaks.]

TREVOR'S ROOMMATE: [from phone] Ohh, look at me! I got
the House interview!

TREVOR KAUFMAN: [from phone] Dude, shut up! I'm on the
phone! Shut-up!

TREVOR'S ROOMMATE: [from phone] I'm so cool!

TREVOR KAUFMAN: [from phone] Give me the phone back.

TREVOR'S ROOMMATE: [from phone] Woooo!

TREVOR KAUFMAN: [from phone] Give me the phone back!

[House hangs up.]

[PPTH Nurse Station. Night. Wilson enters groggily, dressed
in a sweatshirt. He approaches the Nurse Station, where a
male nurse works on the computer.]

JAMES WILSON: I got a page.

MALE NURSE: No, you didn't.

JAMES WILSON: They called a code.

MALE NURSE: No, they didn't.

[Wilson sleepily holds up his beeper. The male nurse looks
at it.]

MALE NURSE: [smiling] You got a page, but not from us.

[Wilson realizes he's been conned.]

[Wilson's Hotel Apartment. Night. House has broken inside
(his second break-in today) and is busy ransacking the
apartment, looking for his beloved guitar. The phone rings.
House limps over and answers it.]

GREG HOUSE: [into phone] Did you ever see "Raid on
Entebbe"?

JAMES WILSON: [into phone] Yeah, in the end, they
released the hostages. How's that working for you?

GREG HOUSE: [into phone] The Ugandans played fair. They
didn't move the hostages on the Israelis.

JAMES WILSON: [into phone] Once again, I am in awe of the
kidnapper's tactical brilliance.

[House switches on Wilson's TiVo.]

GREG HOUSE: [into phone] What is "El Fuego Del Amor"
and why do you need ten of them?

JAMES WILSON: [into phone, nervous] It's a Telenovela. I'm
learning Spanish.

GREG HOUSE: [into phone] Say adios.

JAMES WILSON: [into phone, panicked] Are you erasing my
TiVo? [pleading] House, not the season finale!

GREG HOUSE: [into phone, Bronson-like] I don't negotiate
with terrorists. I smoke them out of their hidey-holes.

[Pretty safe to assume, as House fiddles with the remote,
Wilson will have to hope and wait for reruns.]

JAMES WILSON: [into phone] Do you know what terrorists
do when you don't negotiate? [threatening] They terrorize.

GREG HOUSE: [into phone, challenging] Bring-it-on.

[Hanging up, he tosses the cordless receiver out the
window.]

[Megan's Room. Night. Cuddy checks up on Megan, with
Ben and Mrs. Bradberry keeping close watch.]

LISA CUDDY: Fever's down. Sweating has abated. Heart's
working fine. Guess House was right. [hates saying it, but...]
Again.

MRS. BRADBERRY: That's good news, right?

LISA CUDDY: It is good news.

BEN PROSNER: So what does this mean, she's an alcoholic?
There's no other explanation?

LISA CUDDY: [looks at Megan, quietly] No, sorry.

BEN PROSNER: It doesn't make any sense.

MRS. BRADBERRY: Dr. Cuddy, she's doing this thing with her
mouth again.

[Cuddy looks at Megan to check.]

BEN PROSNER: It's been on and off for the last couple
hours. Is she trying to talk?

Cuddy looks at Megan. She's shuddering like she's in pain.]

LISA CUDDY: No. I think she's screaming.

[Megan's silent screams continue.]

[Aerial View of PPTH. Next Morning.]

[PPTH Entrance/Lobby/Cuddy's Office. Cuddy enters,
looking tired. House sidles up near her.]

GREG HOUSE: [cheerful] Morning!

LISA CUDDY: [reacts with a start] Uh-huh. Where did you
come from?

[They stop at the Nurse's Station, for Cuddy to sign in.]

GREG HOUSE: Apes, if you believe the democrats. I heard
you were there when I was proven right. The alcohol
treatment took away the heart and fever problems.

LISA CUDDY: Yes, I was also there when you were proven
wrong. She'd been silently screaming for two hours.

[She starts to walk towards her office. He follows.]

LISA CUDDY: Amylase and lipase are through the roof. She
has pancreatitis.

GREG HOUSE: IV alcohol can cause pancreatitis.

LISA CUDDY: Okay.

[She enters her office. House looks puzzled. He follows her
in.]

[In her office, Cuddy puts her bag on the table, removes her
jacket and gets her labcoat. House limps inside.]

GREG HOUSE: You're not gonna argue with me?

LISA CUDDY: Nope.

GREG HOUSE: You think I'm right?

LISA CUDDY: Nope.

[She goes behind her desk.]

GREG HOUSE: Why not?

LISA CUDDY: Nope.

GREG HOUSE: It's not really a "Yes or No" question.

LISA CUDDY: Which is why I'm not answering it.

GREG HOUSE: If it's not the IV alcohol, it's gotta be the...

[She starts unpacking her bag, without looking at him.]

LISA CUDDY: [interjecting] Not interested.

GREG HOUSE: If I'm wrong, she's gonna die. Are you sure
you're still Dean of Medicine?

[She looks at him.]

LISA CUDDY: I'm not interested in arguing because I'm not
interested in enabling you. You need someone to bounce
ideas off of. You need a team.

[She starts to walk out. House turns to follow.]

LISA CUDDY: Don't follow me.

[House starts dead in his tracks.]

[House's Office. Day. House sits at his desk, speaking to
himself (or something).]

GREG HOUSE: [counting on his fingers] MAO Inhibitor
caused the fever. Alcohol caused the pancreatitis. Alcohol
withdrawal caused the V-Tach

[He looks at his Magic Eightball.]

GREG HOUSE: [reading] "You're logic is irrefutable."

LISA CUDDY: You're wrong.

[He looks up to see Cuddy entering.]

GREG HOUSE: Well, who're you gonna believe? A classic toy
or a woman who, if she had any confidence in her ideas,
wouldn't feel the need to distract you with a water bra?

LISA CUDDY: [ignoring the jibe] Are you really just gonna
treat the pancreatitis?

GREG HOUSE: Are you here to enable me?

LISA CUDDY: I don't want her to die because you're
stubborn.

GREG HOUSE: Wow, so you can enable and rationalize at
the same time. Guess you are still Dean of Medicine.

[He picks up a parcel on his desk and starts opening it.]

LISA CUDDY: If you're right, then this guy, who's not an ass,
who's not a workaholic, who's not a sociopath, has
somehow missed both her depression and severe
alcoholism.

GREG HOUSE: Yes, imagine that, a couple with secrets.

[He gets the parcel open and looks inside.]

LISA CUDDY: [insistent] Why would she lie?

[House's expression darkens when he sees the contents of
the box.]

LISA CUDDY: [deadpan] Okay, alcoholism you don't wanna
advertise. But... [notices House's shocked expression]

[House quickly picks up the box and his cane and starts to
limp outside. Cuddy follows.]

LISA CUDDY: If you're right, there'd be an abnormality on
the pancreas. At least do an MRI to confirm.

[They both walk outside.]

[Wilson's Office. Day. Wilson's at his desk, when House
bursts inside, carrying the box, a look of anger on his face.
He tosses the box onto Wilson's desk. Wilson looks
innocently at him. House gives him a threatening glare.
Wilson chances a look inside and reaches inside the box. He
pulls out a severed arm... a tremolo arm of a guitar, with
broken strings.]

JAMES WILSON: [in mock-disgust] Oh... my... God.

[He throws the arm back into the box, repulsed, and pushes
the box away.]

JAMES WILSON: This guy means business. Or guys. Could be
multiple... Could be multiple guys. Or a gal. Who knows? All
I can say is, this reeks of boldness.

GREG HOUSE: [staring him down] I am not hiring a team.

[He starts to walk outside.]

JAMES WILSON: You ever tighten a guitar string really,
really slowly?

[House stops at the door.

JAMES WILSON: Past the point it can handle the strain? It
makes this weird... sound.

[House stares daggers at Wilson.]

JAMES WILSON: Almost like a scream.

[Wilson starts making low guttural sounds, like nails on a
chalkboard. House storms off.]

[MRI Room. Day. Megan is inside the MRI, while House sits
in the adjoining room, looking at the results. Wilson enters.]

JAMES WILSON: I thought this was gonna be fun. I mess
with you, you mess with me. Eventually, you give in. But
you've shown a startling lack of humor, which got me
thinking.

GREG HOUSE: [mumbling] Oh, god.

JAMES WILSON: What's the real reason you won't hire a
team?

GREG HOUSE: I told you, I don't need a team.

JAMES WILSON: Then hire three people and let 'em sit on
their asses.

GREG HOUSE: That wouldn't be right.

JAMES WILSON: Three years ago, you hired a team. What's
changed?

GREG HOUSE: I've become a man of principle. I've gotten
smarter. What answer will make Socrates shut up?

JAMES WILSON: [Dr. Phil-son] What's changed is, you hired
a team. You connected with a team. You worked with a
team. And you lost a team.

GREG HOUSE: [looking at the monitor] Damn. There's no
abnormalities in her pancreas.

JAMES WILSON: You fall in love, you get married. Fifty
percent chance it'll end in misery. Hiring employees can be
even tougher. Because you know, eventually, they're gonna
leave.

GREG HOUSE: There's increased T2 signal on her hepatic
capsule. [looking at Wilson] If you know what I mean.

JAMES WILSON: You got hurt. Get over it.

[Uninterested, House hits a key. Megan is slowly brought
out of the MRI.]

GREG HOUSE: Now, if you'll excuse me, my patient is about
to start bleeding out of her mouth and anus.

[He gets up and walks into the MRI room, while Wilson rolls
his eyes. Sure enough, blood seeps down Megan's mouth
and between her legs.]

[Operating Room. Day. Megan has been opened up. The
surgeons and nurses work on her, cauterizing and stitching
her bleeding organs. Cuddy watches from the Observation
Deck above. House enters the Observation Deck.]

LISA CUDDY: Internal bleeding.

GREG HOUSE: Not anymore. Now it's all over the place.

LISA CUDDY: Why are you here?

GREG HOUSE: That's my patient down there.

LISA CUDDY: You're here because I'm here. [confidently] I
am done enabling you.

GREG HOUSE: I know.

[They stand and watch the surgery in silence. Cuddy cracks
first.]

LISA CUDDY: [without a pause] The alcohol didn't cause the
pancreatitis, the internal bleeding did. The question is, what
caused the internal bleeding? I hate myself.

GREG HOUSE: You do know that the patient had a building
land on her.

LISA CUDDY: Four days ago.

GREG HOUSE: Bleeding can start at any time.

LISA CUDDY: It's bleeding from five different sites. You think
they synchronized their watches?

GREG HOUSE: She got warfarin after her hip surgery. It's
designed to mess with bleeding patterns.

LISA CUDDY: Fever, heart and bleeding. Three problems,
three completely different explanations. She must be the
unluckiest woman in the world.

GREG HOUSE: [dogged] I only cling to this crazy theory
because it's been proven right every step of the way. Each
treatment worked.

LISA CUDDY: [deadpan] Yes, she looks perfectly healthy.
This much bleeding is a symptom of something more. And
you need a team because you're wrong and you're gonna
kill this woman.

[House looks up and sees the surgery in progress on the TV
screen. He notices something.]

GREG HOUSE: If I had a team, this patient would be dead.
Because they'd be here instead of me and they wouldn't
notice the size of this woman's uterus.

[Cuddy turns to the screen.]

[In the OR, the doctors work on their patient. House enters,
scrubbed up but without a mask.]

GREG HOUSE: Hi! How's it going? Mind if I observe?

SURGEON: [hardly bothered] Got a big room up top window
just for that.

[House starts to push Megan's gown upwards, so he can...
look. A nurse tries to put a surgical mask on his face, but he
pushes her hand away.]

GREG HOUSE: Oh, stop that.

SURGEON: You wanna look at vaginas, there are websites
for that.

[House pushes the gown up and goes to get something.]

GREG HOUSE: Am I made of money?

SURGEON: [to Cuddy, in the Observation Deck] Can you get
him out of here?

[Cuddy doesn't say anything, she's equally curious. House
inserts a scope... inside Megan.]

GREG HOUSE: Enlarged uterus. Means that she was recently
pregnant. She's a good liar, but I doubt she could hide a
baby from her boyfriend.

[He puts on a monitor and looks.]

GREG HOUSE: Scraping in the uterus indicates that she had
an abortion. But nothing in her medical history. Only one
reason to hide an abortion. Boyfriend wants babies, she
doesn't.

SURGEON: She's bleeding everywhere. Unless the guy was
performing an abortion with a shotgun...

LISA CUDDY: [over intercom] Stop enabling him!

GREG HOUSE: It's not the abortion, it's what she did after.
The boyfriend would have noticed condoms. He would
notice abstinence. He would not notice the pill. Which
means, [to Cuddy] I don't need a team!

[Cuddy rolls her eyes.]

[Corridor outside OR. Day. Ben and another guy (who
seems really sad) sit on a bench, near the morgue. House
comes out of the OR and approaches them.]

GREG HOUSE: Hey, where's your mother-in-common-law?

BEN PROSNER: [stands, introduces the other guy] Dr.
House, this is Doug McMurtry. His girlfriend was working
with Megan when... [trails off]

GREG HOUSE: [to Doug] She's dead?

DOUB MCMURTRY: [choked voice] She passed this morning.

GREG HOUSE: Well, then why are you still here?

[Doug doesn't react (or he doesn't know how to react to
that remark). House speaks to Ben.]

GREG HOUSE: I need the old lady's consent to do some
treatment.

BEN PROSNER: What'd you find out?

GREG HOUSE: I wish I could tell you, but since you're not
legally related...

[He turns to leave, but Ben grabs him by the arm.]

BEN PROSNER: What the hell did you did you find out?

GREG HOUSE: Your girlfriend had an abortion. See why I
didn't tell you? I'd be insane to also tell you that she's on
the pill.

BEN PROSNER: N-No, she's not.

GREG HOUSE: If they'd known she was on it, they wouldn't
have given her a blood thinner after her hip surgery. The
combination caused the bleeding. It's good news. It's
treatable. Just give her tamoxifen. Which is normally a
breast cancer...

BEN PROSNER: It's not true. 'Cause, uh, we wanna have
kids.

GREG HOUSE: Hmm, I already did the blood tests. Either
she lied to you, or her blood lied to us.

[Ben looks upset and stays quiet for a moment.]

BEN PROSNER: [sighs] Tell Megan I'm glad she's gonna be
okay.

[He turns around and leaves. House and Doug remain.]

[Aerial View of PPTH. Evening.]

[Oncology Ward. Night. House juts his head through the
curtain partition and speaks to an old cancer patient, Sam
Lee, who's lying in bed, reading a book.]

GREG HOUSE: How ya doing?

SAM LEE: I got cancer.

GREG HOUSE: [entering] You're on an oncology ward.
Everybody's got cancer. You want sympathy, you wanna try
the "hardly anything wrong with me" ward. [drops his cane]
In fact, why don't I take you there right now?

[He tries to move Mr. Lee's bed, but finds it's too heavy.]

GREG HOUSE: How sick are you? Can you walk?

[He grabs the patient's chart and looks at it.]

SAM LEE: [with trepidation] Are you a doctor?

[House starts to pull the bed upright.]

GREG HOUSE: [reading the chart] Admitted today. First day
of a five-day chemo course. Yeah, you can walk. C'mon, let's
go.

SAM LEE: Does Dr. Wilson know you're here?

GREG HOUSE: [smiling] Well, if he didn't, this would be
really stupid. 'Cause then he wouldn't know where his
patient was. [chuckling] Might think he'd been kidnapped.
The room upstairs is bigger. It's got cable. Better looking
sponge-bath nurses.

[Mr. Lee starts to get out of bed.]

SAM LEE: [intrigued] Oh.

GREG HOUSE: If you feel sick, you call me directly, not Dr.
Wilson. He's getting his last set of hormone shots.

[He ushers Mr. Lee out, who drags his IV line with him.
House's pager starts to beep.]

[Outside Megan's Room. Night. Monitors beep. Doctors and
nurses work on Megan, while her worried mother looks on.
House limps hurriedly to the room. Cuddy comes out of the
room to speak to him.]

LISA CUDDY: You put her on tamoxifen? An anti-cancer
drug?

GREG HOUSE: It blocks estrogen receptors.

LISA CUDDY: Does it also block breathing and kidney
function? She's crashing.

[House watches the doctors and nurses attending to
Megan.]

GREG HOUSE: Doesn't mean I was wrong.

[Cuddy looks at him.]

[Emergency Room. Day. House limps inside the ER, where
doctors and nurses move quickly attending to patients.]

DOCTOR: [into phone] Dr. Martin. We're bringing his
patient over now, thanks.

GREG HOUSE: [shouting] Anybody here a doctor? [looks
around, gets no answer] Kidney failure, spiking fever,
breathing difficulties. Any theories?

[No one even looks at him. He looks around. Near him, a
young lady doctor attends to a wailing, squirming woman
on a gurney.]

GREG HOUSE: Am I in an M. Night Shyamalan movie?

[The young doctor looks at him.]

YOUNG DOCTOR: You're House, right?

GREG HOUSE: Okay, I assume you know me because I once
insulted you, your patient, or your relatives. If that's so, I
apologize. I was drunk that day. [back to work] Patient
initially presented with crush injuries.

YOUNG DOCTOR: [interrupts] I know you because Dr. Cuddy
issued a memo.

GREG HOUSE: [hopeful] Telling to cooperate fully with me?

YOUNG DOCTOR: Nope.

GREG HOUSE: Figured that was a long shot. [shouts to the
room] Anybody here not get that memo?

[The people ignore him. Thwarted, he leaves.]

[Corridor outside ER. Day. House exits the ER, limping into
the corridor. As he limps, the young doctor comes up
behind.]

YOUNG DOCTOR: Fungal infection.

[House turns around.]

GREG HOUSE: Don't you have a patient?

YOUNG DOCTOR: She shot herself in the leg while high on
meth. Wouldn't hurt her to be in pain for a little while.

GREG HOUSE: Fungal infection would be in her eyes by
now.

YOUNG DOCTOR: [guesses] Haemophilus.

GREG HOUSE: Doesn't explain the remitting fever.

[She looks intrigued and thinks.]

GREG HOUSE: You've heard that I've got a job opening,
right?

YOUNG DOCTOR: I just care about people. [guesses] Acute
Respiratory Distress Syndrome.

GREG HOUSE: ARDS doesn't explain anything. Except the
breathing. If you care about people, you're not getting the
job.

YOUNG DOCTOR: I was lying. Crush Syndrome.

GREG HOUSE: Doesn't explain the breathing. What was the
problem with ARDS?

YOUNG DOCTOR: Only explained the breathing.

GREG HOUSE: And the Crush Syndrome?

YOUNG DOCTOR: It didn't explain the breathing.

GREG HOUSE: You a fan of symmetry?

YOUNG DOCTOR: Sure.

GREG HOUSE: Weird. 'Cause your eyes are lopsided. And by
eyes, I mean breasts. ARDS And Crush Syndrome, both
reactions to severe trauma. Why can't she have both?

YOUNG DOCTOR: Because... [somberly] because then
there's nothing we could do.

GREG HOUSE: Boy, you remind me of someone.

[He starts to limp away.]

GREG HOUSE: Send me your rsum. I'll put it on top of the
pile that I'm... never gonna look at.

[She hangs back and exhales heavily.]

[Megan's Room. Day. House limps inside. He sees Ben
sitting morosely on the other bed. Mrs. Bradberry gets up.]

BEN PROSNER: I couldn't leave.

GREG HOUSE: You don't seem like the type of person who
would give up on giving up.

BEN PROSNER: [expressionless] I love her.

GREG HOUSE: You love somebody. Someone who didn't
drink, who wanted to have babies. And wasn't miserable.

BEN PROSNER: I know she lied, but...

MRS. BRADBERRY: What are you doing? Why are you saying
these things to him?

GREG HOUSE: The woman you love doesn't exist. This
woman is dying. She has Acute Respiratory Distress
Syndrome and Crush Syndrome. Her body's basically giving
up. We can keep her on supportive dialysis and hope for
the best.

[Ben and Mrs. Bradberry look downcast. House starts to
write on Megan's chart, but notices something on her arm.
He pushes back her sleeve, to expose a reddish lump on her
arm.]

GREG HOUSE: Never mind. She has a lump on her arm.

[Ben stands.]

BEN PROSNER: [hopeful] Does that mean you're wrong?

GREG HOUSE: That would be good news for you guys. We'll
know after the biopsy.

[He leaves, while the others go to see the life-saving lump
on Megan's arm.]

[PPTH Lab. Day. Cuddy walks into the lab, where lab tech,
Imelda, works.]

LISA CUDDY: Which patient is that?

IMELDA: [checking the file] Megan...

LISA CUDDY: House's patient.

IMELDA: Yep.

LISA CUDDY: Didn't you get my memo?

IMELDA: Sure. Got both memos.

LISA CUDDY: [under her breath, realizing] Both. [almost
rhetorical] And the second memo said to ignore the first
memo?

IMELDA: Yep. Seemed odd. Did an MRI and...

LISA CUDDY: [interrupts] 'Course you did.

[Cuddy starts to walk out, but turns.]

LISA CUDDY: What'd you find?

IMELDA: It's kind of freaky. She's got growths all over the
place.

[Cuddy and Imelda look at the monitor, which shows the
biopsy results. Lots of white oval spots, guess those must
be the growths.]

[Megan's Room. Day. Cuddy explains the situation to Ben
and Mrs. Bradberry (who seems at the end of her rope).]

BEN PROSNER: She's got tumors?

LISA CUDDY: Not exactly. The growths are eosinophilic
granulomas. [hanging up an IV bag] They are usually from
allergic reactions. I'm putting her on steroids.

[She starts to administer the IV drip to Megan.]

MRS. BRADBERRY: Allergy to what? She doesn't have
allergies.

LISA CUDDY: We don't know. Unfortunately, the only drug
she's had enough of to have this kind of reaction is
cephalosporin.

MRS. BRADBERRY: And why is that unfortunate?

BEN PROSNER: Because she was on it two months ago.
That's what you mean, right? She... took it for strep throat,
so she can't be allergic to it.

LISA CUDDY: It would seem so.

MRS. BRADBERRY: [mad] What is this hospital doing to her?
She has had three separate medical disasters! And now
she's dying of an allergy she can't possibly have!

[Cuddy doesn't answer.]

[Diagnostics Office. Night. House sits alone in the darkened
office, staring at the whiteboard, which is now filled with
the different diseases, disorders or whatnot that Megan
could have. He sits up, strokes his chin and keeps thinking.]

[Oncology Ward. Night. Wilson enters Mr. Lee's section of
the ward, pushing the curtain aside.]

JAMES WILSON: Mr. Lee, I just have to check...

[He sees someone in the bed, covered with a blanket.]

JAMES WILSON: Sam? Are you okay?

[No answer. He lifts the blanket and, seeing who's under it,
yanks it off gruffly. It's the same male nurse he spoke to
earlier about getting paged.]

JAMES WILSON: What're you doing here?

MALE NURSE: I was taking a nap.

JAMES WILSON: Where's my patient?

[He stops, pretty much realizing who might know.]

[Diagnostics Office. Night. House is still thinking about
Megan's condition, when Wilson enters.]

JAMES WILSON: You stole my patient.

GREG HOUSE: You kidnapped my guitar.

JAMES WILSON: Give him back.

GREG HOUSE: Only when you give her back.

JAMES WILSON: It's a "she"?

GREG HOUSE: [scoffs] Well, it's certainly not a dude.

JAMES WILSON: [shouting] It's a guitar! You took a human
being!

GREG HOUSE: Now who doesn't have a sense of humor? I'm
monitoring the guy remotely.

JAMES WILSON: What are you, listening for the distant
sound of screaming?

GREG HOUSE: The nurses know to call me.

JAMES WILSON: They don't know who he is!

GREG HOUSE: His name's right there on the chart. Now go
away. I'm working.

JAMES WILSON: They give him the wrong meds, who the
hell knows what's gonna happen?

["Lightbulb Moment". In other words, House has an
epiphany.]

JAMES WILSON: House!

GREG HOUSE: [murmuring] Bad things would happen.

[He starts to walk out.]

GREG HOUSE: [to Wilson, as he leaves] He's in room three-
one-eight.

[Megan's Room. Night. Ben and Mrs. Bradberry watch
Megan. House enters, carrying a file. He tosses the file on
the bed, next to Megan. He starts to inject something into
one of her IV lines.]

MRS. BRADBERRY: [anxiously] What are you... what are you
giving Megan?

GREG HOUSE: Megan? Nothing.

BEN PROSNER: Nothing? What's going on? What's wrong
with her?

GREG HOUSE: Her? Nothing.

MRS. BRADBERRY: Then why are you giving her drugs?

GREG HOUSE: Just some amphetamines to wake her up.
Everything could be explained by her lying to you. The
antidepressants, the drinking, the pill. Until now. Now she's
allergic to something the chart says she's not allergic to.
That's not her lying, that's the chart lying. Which doesn't
make sense.

[A beat.]

GREG HOUSE: Do you know a Liz Masters?

MRS. BRADBERRY: No.

BEN PROSNER: Yeah, she worked with Megan. That was her
boyfriend who you met outside the morgue.

GREG HOUSE: Hmm. [holds up the file he brought in] This is
her chart. [reading the chart] She's on MAO Inhibitors for
depression. She's on the pill. She had an abortion a month
ago. And she's allergic to cephalosporin.

BEN PROSNER: [apprehensive] What's going on here?
What, are you saying this isn't Megan?

[Mrs. Bradberry looks worriedly at House. House looks at
the patient.]

GREG HOUSE: Yes.

FLASHBACK: [Megan's Office. Day. Megan speaks to Ben on
her cell phone.]

MEGAN BRADBERRY: [into phone] Ben.

BEN PROSNER: [from phone] Since when?

MEGAN BRADBERRY: [into phone] Since right before I
began pretending I loved it.

[She hands a sheet of paper to a spectacled lady sitting at
her cubicle. The lady is Liz Masters.]

GREG HOUSE: She's the same size as Megan, same build,
same hair color.

FLASHBACK: [Camera zooms towards Megan. Camera
zooms towards Liz.]

GREG HOUSE: They were both horribly injured.
Unrecognizably. EMT teams do not second guess family
members' identifications at accident scenes.

[Mrs. Bradberry starts to sob. Ben, as usual, refuses to
believe it.]

BEN PROSNER: No. Liz died yesterday. This isn't Liz. I know
Megan. I know her hair. I know her hands. I know her smell.
Oh.

[House removes the respirator from the patient's throat
and covers the tube into her throat with his finger. She
breathes heavily.]

GREG HOUSE: [to the patient] What's your name?
[Ben and Mrs. Bradberry wait nervously for the answer.]
LIZ MASTERS: [hoarsely] Liz...
[Ben covers his mouth in grief.]
MRS. BRADBERRY: [anguished] Oh, God!
[They move away and cry. House starts to limp away.]
GREG HOUSE: [to Ben, as he leaves] Your girlfriend never
lied to you.
[Ben cries silently, looking back at House and then at Liz.]
[Liz Masters' Room. Night. Liz lies in bed. Doug McMurtry
comes inside and slowly walks over to the bed. He holds
Liz's heavily-bandaged hand gently and looks at her
tearfully. Slowly, she opens her eyes and blinks at him
once.]

[Hospital Morgue. Night. Ben grieves silently over the real
Megan's body. Mrs. Bradberry stands outside, her eyes
closed in sorrow.]

[House's Office. Day. House, his back to the door, plays with
a rubber band. The door opens.]

GREG HOUSE: I did it all by myself, mommy.

LEON THE JANITOR: You talking to me?

[House turns and sees Leon, standing at the door, a dustbin
in his hand.]

GREG HOUSE: Go away.

[Leon leaves. House resumes playing with the rubberband.
The door opens again.]

GREG HOUSE: [chances it again] I did it all by myself,
mommy.

[This time, he's got it right. Cuddy stands at the door.]

LISA CUDDY: How'd you know it was me?

GREG HOUSE: There's a scent given off by wounded, feral
cats.

LISA CUDDY: [entering] You were wrong.

GREG HOUSE: I got everything right. Just treated the
wrong...

LISA CUDDY: [interrupts] They had a good relationship.

GREG HOUSE: He couldn't even identify her.

LISA CUDDY: And you were wrong about needing a team.
She almost died.

GREG HOUSE: So I almost need a team.

LISA CUDDY: You were content with your "people are
idiots" theory. But Cameron would never have accepted
that this guy knew nothing about the love of his life. And as
soon as you claimed it was multiple conditions, Foreman
would have done anything to prove you wrong. And then,
Chase would have done anything to prove you right. Any
one of them would have solved this days ago. Hire a team. I
don't care how you do it. Just do it.

[She plops a whole stack of rsums on his desk and leaves.
He seems to think that she's right. He picks up one of the
rsums.]

[PPTH Training Room. Day. House strums his beloved guitar
(with an unharmed tremolo arm) as he addresses a room
full of prospective Ducklings. ECU of his hand and face.]

GREG HOUSE: Sometimes, I am wrong. I have a gift for
observation. For reading people in situations. But
sometimes, I am wrong. This will be the longest job
interview of your life. I will test you in ways that you will
often consider unfair, demeaning and illegal. And you will
often be right. Look to your left. Now look to your right. By
the end of six weeks, one of you will be gone. As will
twenty-eight more of you. [beat, ominously] Wear a cup.

[With a flourish, he twangs his guitar. The loud sound
emanating from the amplifier gives the unfortunate
Duckling-hopefuls a start.]
402 - The Right Stuff
[A female Air Force pilot named Greta flies a Stealth fighter
jet over a desert landscape.]

GRETA: Big Eye this is Cobra zero-six, just entered Indian
country, approaching wave .4, request confirmation to
engage target on first approach.

BIG EYE: Roger Cobra zero-six, Big Eye waiting for
confirmation as well.

GRETA: If you wait any longer Big Eye we're not going to
have a choice, I can't exactly do a U-turn here.

BIG EYE: Roger that Cobra, hold for confirmation.

[Lightning strikes nearby. We see Greta's point of view, the
landscape starts to change colour, it quickly flashes
between blue, red, yellow, green, black and purple. We
hear an alarm beeping quietly, gradually getting louder and
louder until Greta snaps back into reality, landscape
changes back to its normal colour and we see what was
causing the beeping, a big red warning light is flashing as
the aircraft is headed towards the ground, Greta doesn't
have time to pull up and crashes. Black. We can hear Greta
breathing heavily. A man opens a door and fills the room
with light. It was a simulator. Greta unplugs her
microphone cord. The man walks over to Greta who is still
recovering, knocks on the glass of the fake aircraft, Greta
opens it and takes off her helmet and mask off.]

MAN: Captain Cooper you okay? What happened? You
weren't answering.

GRETA [Angrily]: Because the damn com cord got
disconnected! You spend a billion dollars on the avionics
and don't bother to check the com connection?

MAN: No I checked that twice before you got in.

GRETA [Raising her voice]: And the next time you ask us to
test a prototype it would be nice if your direction gyro
didn't spin like a top when I'm supposed to be 500 feet off
the floor.

MAN: I'm sorry. I'll go review the simulation, see if I can
figure out what went wrong. [Leaves.]

[Greta quietly freaks out.]

[Cut to House twirling his cane, in a lecture theatre,
standing in front of a big projection screen showing a black
and white photo of a man.]

HOUSE: Who is this man? [Camera pans out to reveal the
40 potential fellows staring at House and the screen, they
each have a number around their neck, marathon runner
style.]

[No one says anything.]

HOUSE: C'mon, take a shot. I'm not going to fire you every
time you get a wrong answer.

23: Neville Chamberlain.

HOUSE: You're fired. [23 is shocked but gets up and leaves
without a word.] Does this man look like he's ceding
Czechoslovakia to a fascist dictatorship?

26 [Old guy.]: It's Buddy Ebsen, the actor, he's dead. Why
are we...

HOUSE [Interrupting.]: Buddy Ebsen was the original tin
man in the Wizard of Oz, for a day. He was diagnosed
allergic to the aluminium dust in the make-up. His lungs
failed he nearly died, question is, why?

11 [Guy in a wheelchair.]: Didn't you just say he was
allergic?

HOUSE [To 11]: You may not have legs, but you've got ears,
I suggest you use them. I said he was diagnosed allergic. [To
everyone.] Since we are currently short exactly one
interesting patient, we are going to figure out what really
happened to Buddy Ebsen in 1938. Now on one hand he's
not getting deader, on the other hand your jobs hang in the
balance. So... [Cuddy enters.]

CUDDY: House? [They share looks.]

HOUSE: I want seven alternate diagnosis when I get back.
[Goes to talk to Cuddy who is still standing in the doorway.]

CUDDY: Did you forget how to count to three?

HOUSE: I've got a budget for three, doesn't mean I can only
hire three.

CUDDY: Actually that's exactly what it means.

HOUSE: I cut the permanent salaries by 10 percent, over 3
years that'll more than make up for the breakage on the 27
that I'm going to weed out over the next few weeks.

CUDDY: There's forty people in there.

[House looks inside the lecture theatre.]

HOUSE: Row D, you're fired. [Everyone in Row D starts to
leave, House turns back to Cuddy.] I didn't actually count all
the resumes.

CUDDY: This is stupid, you can't manage that many people,
you're just going to keep weeding them out arbitrarily.

HOUSE: Sure, [as people start filing out between House and
Cuddy] and having them sitting in my office schmoozing
about their favourite Algerian surfing movies, that's a much
better system. Wait a sec. [Stops number 19, a pretty
brunette, from leaving.] Were you in Row D?

19: Yes.

HOUSE: My apologies, my boss says I'm being arbitrary and
stupid. [Sticks his head back in the lecture theatre.] Row D
is not fired, Row C is fired.

19: Great, thank you. [House smiles at Cuddy. The Row D
people start to go back into the lecture theatre and Row C
start to leave.]

HOUSE: See? That was not arbitrary. [House's pager goes
off.] Well I'd love to chat but I've been paged. [Picks up his
pager and looks at it.] That's interesting, apparently paged
myself. [Leaves.]

[Cut to House about to walk into his office. House walks in
through the Diagnostics office door, Greta is standing at his
desk holding a large yellow envelope.]

HOUSE: If you have a resume there I'm not interested, but I
wouldn't mind hearing how you got my pager number.

GRETA: It's not a resume. [Tips the contents of the
envelope onto House's desk. Large stacks of cash fall out.]
50,000 dollars.

HOUSE: Does One-eyed Nicky want me to run that to Jimmy
the nose?

GRETA: It's for my medical bills. [Sits down.] I need you to
find out what's wrong with me.

HOUSE: [Sits down.] Insurance is usually cheaper than that.
Cash means there's something to hide.

GRETA: I'm a captain in the Air Force about to start a new
assignment. NASA's astronaut training program.

HOUSE: I discovered salt and created FM radio.

GRETA: Something is wrong. With my eyes, my ears.

HOUSE: Well if it's fixable the Air Force will do it for free. If
not, doesn't matter.

GRETA: There are 100 applicants ready to take my place
who don't need to be fixed. I need to do this off the books. I
did the research, you're the best, you break rules, and you
don't care about anyone except yourself.

HOUSE: Well lets say that's true. You get a new job, the
hospital gets a nice wad of cash, what do I get?

GRETA: I crashed a flight simulator, because I started to
hear, with my eyes.

[Cut to House entering the lecture theatre. Everyone
quickly gets back in their seats.]

11: The aluminium, could have been tainted...

HOUSE: [Cuts him off:] Don't care. New patient. [Turns off
the projector and motions for number 6 to move it, which
he quickly does.] 30 year old female, with synaesthesia.
New rules. [Pulls up the projection screen to reveal a
blackboard that reads 'Tesla was robbed!'] You generate a
lab report You shred it. X-ray - You melt it. No notes, no
records, nothing. As far as you're concerned the patient is
Osama Bin Laden and everyone not in this room is Delta
Force. Any questions?

11: We're protecting Osama Bin Laden?

HOUSE: It's a metaphor. Get used to it. Any more
questions?

11: And you're not even going to tell us her name?

HOUSE: You think her name might be connected to what's
wrong with her? [Walks over to the side door.] Here's
Osama! [Opens the door. Greta walks in, House gives her a
chair and she sits down.] Now you all have numbers so
we're going to do this, alphabetically. 8, 15 and 5. [House
starts to pace around.]

39 [Male, dark hair, middle aged.]: Is the synaesthesia new?

GRETA: Yes.

39: Any history of similar symptoms or psychiatric...

GRETA: No, nothing.

39: Are you on any prescription meds or use any other
drugs?

GRETA: No.

39: Should we trust her answers?

HOUSE: What, you think I'd pull you off Buddy Ebsen just
for a junkie?

24 [Female, blonde]: Can we trust your answers?

HOUSE: You have got to trust someone right?

24: No. [Leans forward.] Has anyone close to you been sick
lately? A family member, a co worker?

GRETA: No, not that I'm aware of.

HOUSE: Two down, Kitty Carlisle?

13 [Female, red-ish brown hair.]: You spend much time
above 20,000 feet?

[Greta looks at House.]

HOUSE: Why would you ask that?

13: People who fly are immobile for long periods. Could be
a leg clot that embolised to the brain through a PFO.

HOUSE: That's an unusual choice.

13: Well like you said, you wouldn't interrupt Buddy with
anything that wasn't.

HOUSE: The patient is, a frequent flyer. 13, 32, 39, get
Osama an EEG, MRI and an angiogram. [Those three and
Greta start to leave.] How many of you think the Oswald
acted alone?

6 [Male, youngish. Puts up his hand.]: If by alone you mean
that he was unaware that the CIA...

HOUSE: Oh shut up. Split yourselves into 2 groups, test her
blood, test her stool. [6 and several others leave.] Who likes
the designated hitter? [Two female blonde identical twins
15A and 15B put their hand up.] You're wrong, you're lucky
you're not fired. 2 more groups, LP and cultures. [Twins and
others leave.] Who doesn't know what a designated hitter
is? [26, 2 and 10 put up their hand. House starts to write on
a piece of paper] Ok here is her address, I want you to
break in, find out what she's hiding. [The three of them
start to leave, 26 takes the address on the way out, 2 stops
next to House]

2 [Female, Russian accent.]: Why don't we just ask the
patient for the key?

HOUSE: Well if we could find out what she's hiding just by
asking we'd have to redefine hiding. You want to live in this
country learn the language. [2 leaves.]

11: What do you want the rest of us to do? [House thinks.]

[Cut to them washing his car.]

11: Thirty people for three openings and I want you to wash
my car, this is not why I busted my ass in med school!

18 [Male, black, young.]: So we spend a half an hour
cleaning a car, big deal.

11: It's demeaning.

18: Work is demeaning? You're too good for this?

24: Don't give me that honest days labour crap. We all
went to med school so we wouldn't have to do an honest
days labour.

18: What about an honest hours labour? In exchange we
get a shot at learning from one of the best diagnosticians in
the world.

24: No, we don't, if we did we'd be one of the one's
drawing blood or checking for toxins. We're done. He's just
not going to cut us loose until we've dusted his shelves and
starched his shirt. [Throws the sponge into the bucket.] I'm
out of here. Who's with me? [Throws her number on the
ground and leaves, everyone but 18 follows. 18 continues
washing the car.]

[Cut to 10 climbing on a dumpster to get to a window. 26
and 2 are standing on the ground watching]

2: Are we sure he wasn't joking? Maybe this is just a test.

10: Everything's a joke and everything's a test and he wants
us to do it. C'mon get up here [Holds his hand down to help
26 get up.]

26: Well I could try but I pulled a muscle in 1987.

2: I didn't waste two years repeating medical school to be
arrested and deported.

10: Why did they make you repeat? Not enough gym
credits?

2: According to the state of New Jersey medical schools in
my country suffer from not being from this country.

[10 helps 2 up onto the dumpster.]

26: You know if you get it open you're going to have to
come down and let me in?

10: Or, you could just wait out here. This is a competition.
[Starts trying to get the window open.]

[Cut back to 18 still washing House's car. 24 walks up to
him.]

18: You change your mind?

24: No.

18: Then why are you here?

24: Never intended to quit.

18: Then why did you...

24: Intended to get everyone else to quit. [18 shakes his
head.] Get off the car.

18: I need to clean it. WE need to clean it.

[24 shakes the keys in her hand so 18 can see.]

24: I stole his keys. We'll take it to a car wash. [18 gives her
a look.] He's got people breaking into a woman's
apartment, obviously respecting personal property isn't one
of the rules. [Gets in the car.]

[Cut to 10 still trying to get the window open with a
screwdriver. 26 appears behind the window and opens it
from the inside.]

26: I told the super I was worried about my niece, she
hasn't been answering the telephone. Nice guy. Two
daughters in Mount Holyoke. [10 climbs through the
window.]

[Cut to 13, 39 and 32 in House's office; House is looking at
something on his computer.]

39: No evidence of clots and other than elevated red blood
cell count ah, the ah, blood work was unremarkable.

[House looks at 39 then at 32 who looks disgusted.]

HOUSE: Got a problem with the naked female form?

32: Not at all.

13: Maybe she's just not used to seeing it spooning with the
naked dolphin form.

HOUSE: That's not a dolphin, it's a porpoise. There is a
difference you know. [Goes back to looking at the screen]
Salary for one thing.

13: You want us to give you a minute?

[House turns around to look at 13 and sees Chase walking
passed his office, in slow motion. He gets up and quickly
walks over there.]

13: A high red blood cell count likely means...

HOUSE [Stops just outside his office door trying to see
Chase.]: Carbon Monoxide poisoning.

39: There are a lot of different explanations for elevated
red blood cells.

HOUSE [Squinting, still trying to see Chase]: Yeah well which
one fits best with the damaged flu that your competitors
found, in the gas fire place in Osama's cave.

[24 walks up to him.]

24: Car's clean.

HOUSE: Did you just see a blonde guy with a pretentious
accent?

24: Can't see an accent.

HOUSE: Good point. Can I have my car keys back? [24 looks
shocked and a little scared.] Give me the car keys, put the
patient in a hyperbaric chamber and no more prime
numbers for you. [24 gives him the keys.] Thank you.
[House walks back into his office.]

[Cut to 6, 24 and 18 in the hyperbaric chamber with Greta.]

6: The high pressure and oxygen will flush the carbon
monoxide from your system. This much oxygen for too long
can have some toxic effects so, we'll do this in cycles. [Puts
an oxygen mask on Greta.]

[24 is typing something into her PDA]

18 [Quietly to 24.]: Can I talk to you for a second? [They
walk to over to the door.] You're working that thing all the
time is everything alright? [24 nods.] We're supposed to be
watching her heart rate and blood pressure.

24: Yeah I was until you pulled me over here. I'm sending
out a consult on another patient.

18: Ok.

24: What? I'm not quitting my old job until I'm sure I've got
a new one.

18: I didn't say anything.

24: You had a look.

18: Yeah, I did. Sorry.

[Monitors start beeping.]

6: Hey I think she's having a heart attack.

GRETA: No I just feel a little funny. [Passes out.]

24: Tachyarrhythmia.

18: Call a code.

[24 injects her with something then tries to feel her pulse
while 18 does compressions.]

24: Nothing.

18: V-fib. Well where the hell's...

[6 comes running in with paddles.]

6: Clear.

18: Are you crazy you can't use those we're in a hyperbar...

6: Clear.

[18 quickly turns off the oxygen. 6 shocks her, she catches
fire.]

18: She's on fire!

[Alarm starts going off. 18 puts the blanket over the fire
while 6 grabs a fire extinguisher and sprays her. 6 feels for a
pulse.]

6 [Smiling]: Her heart's beating.

18: And we are so fired.

[The sprinklers come on.]

[Cut to a shot of Greta back in her room, then to everyone
back in the lecture theatre.]

6: We've started her on nitro and blood thinners.
Electrolytes and post arrest EKG were normal, the attack
was not caused by the procedure.

HOUSE: So what does cause synaesthesia, high red blood
cell count and heart attack?

24: Aren't we going to discuss what caused the sudden
appearance of burnt flesh? He [Pointing to 6] brought
charged paddles into an oxygenated room.

HOUSE: And you didn't stop him. Means either you thought
it was a chance worth taking, making you a hypocrite or you
thought he'd fail, making you a cut throat little pixie. What
causes...

15A: Takayasus syndrome.

15B: Not without a rash and a fever. It's got to be
Whipple's.

15A: No way, you ever see Whipple's without abdominal
pain?

HOUSE: Stop it! This argument is distracting every male and
lesbian here. You're both right, in the sense that you've
convinced me that you're both wrong.

26: What about cardiomyopathy? Structural abnormality
causes the heart attack and throws clots to the brain,
leading to synaesthesia

HOUSE: How old are you?

26: I'm 21. Unless it's relevant.

HOUSE: Ok scooter. Do a transeosphageal echo, and since
the positive divisors of 26 are 2 and 13 have them assist.
The rest of you, go to the cafeteria and document 10 things
that could cause infection. Each. [Everyone starts to leave.]

[Cut to the cafeteria where we see them all walking around
writing down stuff, Wilson is sitting down filling in the
crossword in a newspaper. House walks up and steals one
of his pieces of bread.]

WILSON: I wouldn't. Someone named 17 thinks there could
be lysteria in the cream cheese.

HOUSE: 17's a stupid number. [Takes a bite.] What's Chase
doing here?

WILSON: You saw Chase?

HOUSE: Last night, outside my office.

WILSON: That's interesting.

HOUSE: It's more curious than actually...

WILSON: Chase took a job at the Mayo Clinic in Arizona. A
week ago. Interesting... It wasn't Foreman or Cameron you
saw, but Chase, the one you fired.

HOUSE: Not interesting. Someone who looked like someone
I used to know walked by my office.

WILSON: It's always interesting when a repressed guilt
starts un-repressing itself.

HOUSE: The only thing I feel guilty for is this. [Throws
what's left of the bread into Wilson's coffee.]

[Cut to 26 rubbing gel on an endoscope while 13 and 2 are
preparing Greta.]

26: We're going to feed this endoscope down your
oesophagus, try to find where your heart might be
damaged. [Greta nods while 2 sticks a plastic thing in her
mouth to keep it open.] It's going to feel uncomfortable but
just keep swallowing, I promise you'll be fine.

13: She's ready.

26: [Lifts up the endoscope to start but hesitates. Holds it
out in front of 2.] Go ahead, take a whack.

2: [Suspicious.] Right. So if we don't find anything House
blames me.

26: Or you find something a get a gold star.

13: Why don't you want to do it?

26: House isn't going to be impressed by a grey hair doing
his 10,000th echo.

13: So you just don't want to do it? [Takes the endoscope.]

26: That makes you suspicious. Doctor?

13: Call me 13. I'm not getting invested. [Starts to put the
endoscope down Greta's throat.]

[Cut to House and The Numbers walking down the corridor.
2 moves in front of House and walks backwards.]

2: Her heart's structurally sound. No clots, no valvular
defects, no wall motion abnormalities.

HOUSE: Got that from structurally sound.

15A: What did she say?

6: Structurally sound.

HOUSE: I assume you're not all walking with me to tell me
that you found nothing.

2 [Still walking backwards in front of House]: It showed a
short burst in the atrium... [A guy in the corridor swings a
wheelchair around just in time to get right behind 2 and
force her to fall into the chair. She quickly gets up and
glares at the guy, who quickly leaves. Everyone stops
walking.]

HOUSE: Ok, who's next?

13 [Moves in front of House]: Showed a short burst of atrial
flutter, I ran a rhythm strip twice and got the same results.

HOUSE: Stop. [Moves 13 out of the way with his cane and
turns to look at the group.] Ok. Here's how we diagnose in
transit. I lead you draft, I move you move, I stop you stop.
Got it?

13: Flutter could mean hormone overproduction we
should...

HOUSE: Wait a sec, why did you do the test? I gave it to
Scooter.

26: We didn't think it mattered.

HOUSE: It doesn't. It matters that you let her. Ok. 10, 24, 39
run a TRH stimulation test for hyperthyroidism. [Walks off.
The numbers follow.]

2: That could cause another heart attack.

HOUSE: Proving her first attack was caused by her thyroid.
[Pushes the lift button with his cane.] Which is kind of the
point right? [Elevator dings. House walks in, the numbers
start to follow.] Uh ah ah ah! [They step back.] I ride alone.
[Pushes the button and the lift closes.]

[Cut to 39 injecting Greta with the hormone.]

39: The hormone stimulates your thyroid, don't worry if you
get flushed or you start to sweat, it means the thyroid's
working. [Greta nods.] And if you want I can remove that
mole. [Moves his hand to touch it, Greta moves her head
back away from him.] I'm a plastic surgeon, you're allowed
a little vanity.

GRETA: I'm fine with the way I look.

39: Good for you. [10 looks at her monitor as it makes a
small beep.] Although I do find it a bit odd that someone so
self assured doesn't want her doctors to find out what's
wrong with her.

GRETA: What are you talking about, why else am I here?

39: You're jerking us around. You're handcuffing us with all
these restrictions.

GRETA: I'm feeling warm.

10: Her pulse is 120, stop pushing. If House thought this
would handicap us he wouldn't have taken the case.

39: Or maybe that's why he took the case, he wants to see
if we can get it out of her on our own.

24: What did you find in her home?

GRETA: You were in my home?

10: Nothing.

24: Travel pictures, year book, her name on an employment
slip?

10: We weren't checking for that stuff ok? [We see from
Greta's point of view, everything goes multicoloured again.]
Obviously House didn't want us to. [View goes back to
normal.]

GRETA: [Starts trying to get out of the bed.] You're going
to... You're going to out me, aren't you? You're going to
ruin everything.

39: Nobody's trying to do anything. Just relax.

[Monitor starts beeping.]

24: This is not a normal response to the test. Pulse and BP
are too high.

GRETA: [Pulls off the leads and drags the monitor in front of
her for protection.] Get away from me. [View starts going
multicoloured again.] Get away from me. Don't touch me.
[Runs out of the room, 10 and 39 chase her.]

[Cut to House getting off the elevator on the second floor,
where the balcony is. Walks over to 39, 24 and 10 who are
standing outside the closed door of the Chapel.]

HOUSE: Paging me during Judge Judy, not the best way to
win my affections.

10: She had another episode of synaesthesia, it set off a
psychotic attack and now she ran in there [points to the
Chapel doors] and must've jammed something in the
handles.

HOUSE: So you called me, the guy with one good leg and
zero leverage. [Rolls his eyes and starts to walk away.]

39: We break that door down, security shows up, and her
name goes in a file. [House stops and walks back.]

HOUSE: Well luckily, violence is not the last resort.
Extortion is. [Motions to 10.] So go ahead, extort her.

10: [Moves close to the doors.] If you don't open this door,
we're going to break it down.

HOUSE: Clever. An appeal to her deep concern for hospital
property. Let's see how that works. [Waits, nothing
happens.]

10: If you don't open this door, you're going to die.

GRETA [Yelling from inside.]: Go away! [10 gives up and
walks away from the doors and towards the balcony.]

HOUSE: You seem to be getting to her.

39: She doesn't care if she dies.

HOUSE: You think she wants to die?

39: No, but I think she only wants to live under certain
circumstances. [House motions for 39 to give it a try.] Open
up or I blab your secret to everyone.

GRETA: You don't know anything.

HOUSE: I do. [House looks across and sees a blonde
Cameron leaving the clinic, in slow motion. Meanwhile
Greta bursts out of the Chapel. 10 and 39 catch her and she
struggles to break free.]

GRETA: No!

HOUSE: Anybody think that a sedative might...

24: I'm trying.

HOUSE: Ok. [24 stabs Greta in the arm and she collapses
with 39 and 10 holding her up. Just then Cuddy walks up.]

CUDDY: [To House.] Who's that? [Everyone stares at her.]
[To 39, 24 and 10.] Who is she?

39 [Looks at House who shakes his head.]: Osama Bin
Laden.

[Cut to Cuddy walking into the lecture theatre where the
rest of The Numbers are. Everyone goes silent.]

CUDDY: Who is she?

18: Is she ok?

CUDDY: She's stable. Who is she?

26: What did House tell you?

CUDDY: That she is on the run from an international crime
syndicate.

26: That's what he told us.

CUDDY: House may be your boss, but I'm House's boss. You
want to work here, I better be okay with it.

2: Honestly, he didn't tell us anything about who she was,
or what she...

10: Her name's Greta Cooper. Wants to be an astronaut.
Doesn't want NASA to know her brain's getting her ears
confused with her eyes. I went through her mail. [Cuddy
leaves satisfied.]

[Cut to Cuddy and House walking down the corridor.]

CUDDY: You're a virus House, now instead of one liability
I've got 20.

HOUSE: Apparently only 19. Which number was it?

CUDDY: From now on everything you do gets charted. With
pen, on paper, in a binder that says Princeton Plainsboro
Teaching Hospital on the cover.

HOUSE [Whines.]: Mum!

CUDDY: If you want to run something through the labs, I get
a copy. If you do scans, I get a copy. If you THINK about
doing scans, I get a copy.

HOUSE: You know my current thoughts right? I don't have
to put those on paper. [Leaves.]

[Cut to House walking into the lecture theatre where The
Numbers are waiting.]

HOUSE: Three issues. One. Number 10, you're fired.

10: She told you?

HOUSE: Well, it had to be someone who went to her home.
Number 26 is half asleep, missed his afternoon nap.
Obviously he doesn't feel guilt. Number 2 is here on a visa,
she can't jeopardise...

10: You can't know!

HOUSE: And that chick's [points to 24] been pointing at you
since I walked in. [10 leaves.] Issue two. What causes
synaesthesia, high RBC, tachyarrhythmia, and panic
attacks? [Rubs off the blackboard.]

37: Slight glucose elevation. That says thyroid.

39: Baseline thyrotropin's 1.1.

24: It's 1.3.

39: Whatever. Her thyroid's working.

24: What about her liver? [House starts writing symptoms
on the blackboard.] Original A.L.T. levels weren't abnormal
but were near the edge.

6: She has patient data on her PDA.

24: I do not.

6: I saw the lab values, you said we couldn't write anything
down.

HOUSE: I also said I wanted answers.

24: Liver cancer's the most likely. Paraneoplastic syndrome.
We need to do an MRI.

HOUSE: Which brings us to issue three.

6: You're saying we can write stuff down?

HOUSE: To you, I'm saying you're fired. To everyone else,
I'm...

6: But you said specifically...

HOUSE: I hate tattle tales.

6: She tattled on 10.

HOUSE: Now you tattled twice. Issue three. [Notices 6 still
sitting there in shock.+ C'mon, lets go. *6 leaves.+ Issue
three, how do we do tests when we can't do tests?

2: Dr. Cuddy didn't say we can't do tests, she said that we
have to chart.

HOUSE: If we chart, then we won't get consent. So we can't.

2: The patient's life may depend on her consenting.

HOUSE: Her dreams depend on her not consenting. So, how
do we do tests when we can't do tests? [No-one answers.]
You've got an hour. [Leaves.]

[Cut to House entering Wilson's office.]

HOUSE: How do you scan a liver without scanning a liver?
And what's Cameron doing here?

WILSON: Interesting. So you're seeing Cameron now?

HOUSE: No. Not interesting because not seeing. Saw. My
patient wont consent to MRI's or ultrasounds, and you've
dealt with more liver cancer than anyone else here.

WILSON: So you want me to share the secret scanning
techniques I learned in Nepal? Unfortunately, the monks
made me swear a blood oath. Where was she?

HOUSE: In the lobby. I guess we could palpate the area
around the liver.

WILSON: Which wont work unless the tumour's enormous,
which you KNOW, which means your here because these
visions are freaking you out.

HOUSE: She had blonde hair, why would I hallucinate that?

WILSON: Yes. Yes, why are you merging Cameron and
Chase? We should find out before the next time you see
her when she'll be black.

HOUSE: Mm-hmm, because, of course it's scientifically
impossible for a person to go back and visit somewhere
they worked.

WILSON: No. But since she's not a dead cat, it is
scientifically impossible for her to be in two places at once.

HOUSE: Physics joke. Don't hear enough of those.

WILSON: She just called me from Arizona. [Dials a number
and turns the phone around so House can see the number.]
Notice the area code 480. They put an offer on a place in
Scottsdale. [The phone is ringing.] Do you want to talk or
should I? I guess we could both talk. Although they're
engaged and if you're staying in touch, you might want to
buy them... [House hangs up the phone with his cane.]
Maybe it's not repressed guilt, Maybe it's just panic. Right
now you've got enough fellows to build a rail road. But
you're going to have to narrow that room full of numbers
down to three people.

HOUSE: Any chance you could turn this creative brilliance
towards my patient's liver? [House pops a pill.]

WILSON: I think you're going to choose people for reasons
that have nothing to do with their skills. I think you're going
to choose people just because you can't stand them.
Because if you like them, well, that's just, stressful.

HOUSE: Stress... I like it. [Leaves.]

[Cut to House going back into the lecture theatre.]

HOUSE: We need to stress the patients liver.

15B: You mean make her sick?

HOUSE: I mean make her sick in a specific way. If her liver's
given to malfunctioning, we make it malfunction.

15B: Are we on the other side of wrong here? Don't we
have an ethics board that we should consult or... [House
notices 6 sitting behind 15B, only now he has turned his
number upside down so it's a 9.]

HOUSE: I fired you.

6/9: No you didn't.

24: He fired you. You're number 6.

6/9: No I'm not I'm number 9.

HOUSE: I approve of your shamelessness. You're still fired.
[6/9 starts to leave.] So how do we stress her liver?

15B: Lying and paperwork I get, shutting down organs I
think...

13: We could give her intravenous Vitamin D and stick her
in a tanning booth. If she goes into a coma, we know it's a
metabolic problem.

HOUSE: Nice. But Vitamin D's metabolised by the liver and
kidneys. It wouldn't tell us which one's screwed up.

6/9 [Who is still standing at the back of the room.] We
could get her wasted. [Everyone turns and looks at him.]
Give her shots of tequila, measure how long it takes for her
to pass out. If it's too fast, then we know her liver's not
processing alcohol. It's shot.

HOUSE: I like you number 9. [6/9 smiles, 24 is shocked.]

[Cut to House in his office repairing his guitar under a
magnifying glass. 18 walks in.]

18: You wanted to see me?

HOUSE: You a Mormon? You're wearing a ring from
Brigham Young. Or did your folks just do the lawns?

18: The church has a very progressive attitude toward racial
equality.

HOUSE: Don't care. Actually I'm thanking god. You're the
only non-drinker we've got. We need a control group to
establish whether the liver's deterioration is within normal
range. Got a big drinker, medium drinker, now I got a no-
drinker.

18: Just do an MRI.

HOUSE: [Stops what he is doing, half smiles and leans back.]
You really think the guy who created heaven and earth
cares what you put in your digestive tract?

18: Her dream shouldn't outrank my religious belief.

HOUSE: Why not? Her dream might come true. [18 starts to
leave.] All life is sacred right?

18: [Stops and turns back.] We're not saving her life, we're
doing a diagnostic test. Not even a real diagnostic test.

HOUSE: Well that fake test, might really save her life.
Would you pull an ass out of a pit on the Sabbath? [Gets up
and walks over to him.] Would you or would you not pull an
ass out of a pit on the Sabbath?

[They stare at each other.]

18: Fine. I'll do it.

HOUSE: Good. [Goes back to his seat. 18 leaves.]

[Cut to 18, 13 and House in Greta's room, all 4 of them do a
shot of tequila.]

GRETA: Why'd you have to pick tequila? I'm assume a single
malt would have worked just as well.

13: Wasn't our choice.

HOUSE: Ok. [Pushes a stop watch.] 2 minutes and we go
round number 5. [Pours 4 more shots.] So tell me about the
magic underwear.

18: [Laughs.] Is that why you're here.

HOUSE: I'm the big drinker, doing my part for science. The
interesting question is why your religious beliefs are
suddenly less important than her dreams.

18: You're reversing your argument?

HOUSE: I know what I believe. I'm just not quite sure what
you believe.

18: Well LDS doesn't try to dictate every detail of our lives.
When a situation isn't clear, we're encouraged to make our
own decisions.

HOUSE: But your judgement was to say no. You used my
judgement.

18: You made a good argument.

HOUSE: Rational arguments don't usually work on religious
people. Otherwise there would be no religious people.

18: You're an atheist.

HOUSE: Only on Christmas and Easter. The rest of the time,
it doesn't really matter.

18: [Laughs.] Where's the fun in that? A finite, un-
mysterious universe...

HOUSE: It's not about fun! It's about the truth.

18: The truth is, we're having this debate because you want
to figure something out about me. [House sees Foreman
walking past in slow motion.] What do you got so far?
[House leaves to try to catch Foreman. Greta struggles to
breathe.]

13: Greta. Greta!

18: She can't breathe. We need to intubate.

GRETA: [Shakes her head.] No.

18: At least oxygen.

GRETA: NASA, will need to know why.

[Cut to House going after Foreman. Foreman disappears
around the corner and House runs into Cuddy instead.]

CUDDY: I checked the tests you ordered.

HOUSE: Did you just see Foreman?

CUDDY: You measured the density of her teeth.

HOUSE: [Still trying to look passed Cuddy.] It's a shortcut
test for hypercalcaemia. You had to have just passed him.

CUDDY: So you suspected hypercalcaemia from her
complete lack of broken bones. Is that why you also ran
three tox screens?

HOUSE: [Still distracted.] Patient might've been sneaking
uppers. He was in a white coat, did you hire him back?

CUDDY: Foreman is running the diagnostic department at
New York Mercy. [House looks surprised and confused,
Cuddy leans in and sniffs.] Have you been drinking?

[House walks back to Greta's, now empty, room. He sees
the oxygen mask on the floor and realises where they have
gone.]

[Cut to House entering the Stress test Room, he sees Greta
sitting on the end of a treadmill using an oxygen mask to
help her breathe.]

18: She was having trouble breathing. Refused oxygen and
intubation.

HOUSE: So you put her on a treadmill.

13: Records will show that we gave her oxygen as a part of
a routine cardio stress test. She gets to breathe, your boss
gets her paperwork.

HOUSE: Whose idea was that?

13: It was a joint decision.

HOUSE: It never is. So how old were you when your brother
left home?

13: Why do you think that I...

HOUSE: Why aren't you answering? Did your mother
initiate the divorce? [Takes the stethoscope off 13]

13: We should probably focus on what's wrong with her
lungs.

HOUSE: Are you a Wiccan?

18: She really can't breathe.

HOUSE: [Sits down in front of Greta.] Ok, hold still. [While
using the stethoscope to listen to her lungs he starts gently
tapping her chest.]

18: What are you doing?

HOUSE: Auscultatory percussion. If you have a good ear,
you can... [Listens.] [To 13.] You didn't have a lot of friends
because you chose...

13: You can hear while you're talking?

HOUSE: [Listens again.] You can detect not only structural
details, but small, deep masses. [Flicks Greta's chest a few
times then takes off the stethoscope.] Game's over. You
either have lung cancer or Tuberous Sclerosis. We need to
cut you open and biopsy... [Greta starts shaking her head.]

GRETA: [Still struggling to breathe.] That'll... Leave a scar...
NASA doctors will see, they'll, they'll know.

HOUSE: I never opened for Springsteen or slept with
Barbara Feldon. You can live for years without dreams.
Without lungs...

GRETA: Find a way.

HOUSE: Ok. As long you keep saying it strongly, you won't
die. [Goes to get up, Greta stops him.]

GRETA: Find... A way.

[Cut to House and The Numbers back in the lecture
theatre.]

HOUSE: How do we force a patient into surgery? Texas bag
scam? Saratoga wire? Paris exposition trip?

18: The problem's not the surgery, it's the scars. And we
have a plastic surgeon here who can hide them.

39: Not that well. NASA's going to check every cranny.

6/9: I say we just put ether in her oxygen and do what we
have to do.

2: She'll sue.

24: For what? Making it harder for her to lie to the
government?

39: Uh, we don't need to hide them. We give her elective
cosmetic surgery. The incisions will give us access to her
lungs and she's got an innocent explanation for the scars.

2: You mean like liposuction?

39: No, no. Those incisions are too far from the lungs. We
don't subtract, we add. [Looks at House.] Turn her B's into
C's.

HOUSE: [Smiles.] It's a myth that fake hooters blow up at
high altitude, she'll be fine. Just think of it as one giant rack
for mankind.

[Cut to 39 explaining what they are planning to Greta.]

GRETA: I fought for years to be taken seriously.

39: Trust me, you'll be taken more seriously. Just sign the
form. [Holds the consent form up.]

GRETA: This'll make me a joke, there's got to be another
way.

39: I've known a few people who had dreams. One thing
they all had in common was, they got laughed at, and they
didn't care. [Greta signs the form.]

[Cut to Cuddy walking up to House who is scrubbing in.]

CUDDY: You bumped a splenectomy for a boob job?

HOUSE: Would you condemn this woman to a life where
people look at her face when they talk to her?

CUDDY: You don't explain this, I'll cancel the surgery.

HOUSE: Can I explain why you're here?

CUDDY: Think I just told you why I...

HOUSE: I scheduled a diagnostic patient for a boob job,
which is ridiculous. So obviously you had to confront me.

CUDDY: With you so far.

HOUSE: But I'm going to give you a reason.

CUDDY: Not a good one.

HOUSE: No. Not even close to a good one. But here's the
drag from your point of view. My explanation will make
sense. Not to the board, not to a judge, but to you. So you'll
let me do it. Then you're going to have to sit next to me at
the administrative hearing. Don't you have better things to
do? [Cuddy thinks for a minute then starts to leave but
hesitates and turns back.] It's in the best interests of the
patient. [Cuddy leaves.]

[Cut to House and three of The Numbers in the OR, 39
opens Greta up.]

39: Trocar's in. You're good to go. [39 steps back and House
steps forward to look at the lungs.]

HOUSE: [Sticks something into Greta.] Deflate the lung.

2: There, a cyst.

39: Cysts, I count three of them. [We see the lung on the
screen it has three big lumps.]

HOUSE: Probably the same if not more on the left lung. Ok,
so what's been working overtime to kill Miss Bin Laden?

2: We know her name now.

HOUSE: Yeah, but I forgot it. Say the magic word and get
immunity from the next challenge.

13: Alveolar Hydadtid Disease. Hits all the organs.

HOUSE: She would've had multiple seizures by now.

39: Pulmonary Langerhans.

HOUSE: Wouldn't explain the red blood cells. C'mon. Cysts,
synaesthesia, heart attack. You guys have gotten...

CHASE: Von Hippel-Lindau syndrome. [House looks for
where that voice came from and sees Chase in the
observation room.] Raises red blood cell count, causes
masses on the organs. One of the masses is a
pheochromocytoma. It'd cause neurologic episodes and a
heart attack.

HOUSE: [Leans over to 39 and says quietly.] Do you see a
blond guy who still has peach fuzz standing up there? [39
nods.] [To Chase.] This is a closed procedure, gallery's off
limits.

CHASE: Not to the surgical staff.

39: You going to hire that guy instead of us. [House looks at
Chase who slowly shakes his head.]

HOUSE: Not a chance. I love you guys. Dig out the cysts,
histology to confirm Von Hippel-Lindau. Don't forget her
chesticles. [Looks back up but Chase has gone.]

*Cut to Wilson at the nurses station, he turns to leave with
his head down still reading a chart when suddenly a cane
comes flying in front of him and hits the wall. Wilson jumps
but then realises its House and they start to walk down the
corridor.]

HOUSE: Calling Arizona, that was a very nice touch.

WILSON: You do have residual...

HOUSE: Not only do I not have residual feelings, I didn't
even have primary feelings.

WILSON: You freaked...

HOUSE: You lied!

WILSON: Because you knew it meant...

HOUSE: It meant nothing! I saw him because he was there.
[Wilson gives up.] Did Cameron follow her beshert to the
surgery department?

WILSON: I think Chase followed her. She's been a senior
attending in E.R. the last three weeks. A blonde senior
attending, to be accurate.

HOUSE: Foreman. Is he back in neurology?

WILSON: He's at New York Mercy, he's been there a month.
[House looks surprised.] Did you SEE Foreman?

HOUSE: No. [Leaves.]

[Cut to 6/9 and 24 in Greta's room.]

GRETA: So, I'm cured.

6/9: You're fine for now, but Von Hippel-Lindau is a genetic
disease. There's no cure.

24: Greta, you need to come clean to NASA.

GRETA: You said you got all the cysts.

24: They could re-emerge.

GRETA: I'll go to radiology clinics. I'll get regular screenings.

24: If something happened while you're up there, you'd be
playing Russian Roulette with... [House enters.]

HOUSE: Relax. She doesn't have to tell and neither do you.
Turns out that NASA doctors even know where the hyphen
in Von Hippel-Lindau goes.

GRETA: You called them?

HOUSE: I'm not an idiot. Those shuttles fly over New Jersey.
[House leaves, Greta starts to cry.]

[Cut to Aerial of PPTH, night. Then to House sitting in front
of The Numbers in the lecture theatre.]

HOUSE: So here we are. The big moment. Which of you gets
to live to be abused another day. And which of you goes
home and rationalises being fired as character building?
[Pops a pill.] Following numbers, thanks for playing. 21, 19,
8, 34, 17, 29, 5, 36, 2... Rest of you, 8:00 A.M. Sharp. I'll be
in sometime between 10:00 and 3:00. [Everyone starts to
leave.] But 26, stick around awhile. [2 walks over to House.]

2: I did nothing wrong.

HOUSE: Lots of people did nothing wrong.

2: Other people screwed up. I never even...

HOUSE: Other people took chances. 26 [Waves him over. 2
leaves.]

[Cut to House and 26 walking out of the lecture theatre.]

26: Buddy Ebsen actually was allergic to...

HOUSE: Yeah, I know. How old are you?

26: 21.

HOUSE: You don't think it's relevant?

26: I'll likely have less time to use the skills you teach us,
but I don't think that's significant to you.

HOUSE: How about the fact that you never went to medical
school? Which is why you let the unlucky number do the
Trans echo. At least you're ethically unethical.

26: Thirty years I worked in the Columbia med school
admissions office. Audited all the classes. Most of them
more than once. I just never got a diploma.

HOUSE: You had to know I'd find out sooner or later.

26: I know you break rules. I thought maybe you'd break
one for me.

HOUSE: I can't hire you as a doctor. But you can still tell me
what you think. You can also fetch me coffee, pick up my
dry-cleaning, until I can decide whether or not to keep you.

26: So I'm playing this whole game to be like... Your
secretary?

HOUSE: Assistant sounds marginally less demeaning.

26: It's not my dream job.

HOUSE: Actually it is. It's just not your dream title. [House
leaves.]

[Cut to aerial of PPTH, still night. Fades to House standing
outside the ER watching Cameron, she seems him and
walks over.]

CAMERON: [Holds up 3 fingers.] Three weeks. For someone
who never misses something small, you missed something
big.

HOUSE: You're an idiot.

CAMERON: The hair, where I'm working, or both?

HOUSE: The hair makes you look like a hooker. I like it.
Pulling pieces of windshield out of car accident victims and
reattaching fingertips sliced off cutting bagels. At least
Chase's move is only one step down.

CAMERON: I can do good here. Get it out of my system.
Why'd you rat your patient out to NASA?

HOUSE: I don't know who's been gossiping about ethics
instead of sex, but I hope they've already been fired. Which
number was it?

CAMERON: Greta.

HOUSE: Number!

CAMERON: No number. The patient. How do you think she
got your pager number? She came into the E.R. didn't want
to talk...

HOUSE: I didn't rat her out.

CAMERON: You, lied?

HOUSE: Suppose I should tell her that before she keys my
car.

CAMERON: Why lie?

HOUSE: Had to stop some leaky faucets.

CAMERON: What did it matter?

HOUSE: It was no one's business.

CAMERON: Right.

HOUSE: She's going to be the safest astronaut up there.
Certainly more vigilant than the guy next to her who's got
no clue about the aneurysm in his head ready to pop.

CAMERON: Right. [Smiles and starts to walk away.]

HOUSE: You got a better reason?

CAMERON: You couldn't kill her dream. [Leaves.]

403 - 97 Seconds
FADE IN

EXT. - PARKING LOT - NIGHT
The side ramp of a handicapped van lowers and we see a
man in a wheelchair, Thomas Stark, and his service dog,
Hoover, preparing to exit. Hoover leads the way, Stark
following. Once down in the parking lot, Hoover looks
around, as does Stark.

STARK: It's cold.

Hoover immediately returns to the van and brings back a
lap-rug. He jumps up and hands it to Stark.

STARK: Good. Thank you.

He scratches Hoover's chest and attaches a leash to the
dog's harness.

STARK: There's a new girl at the ice-cream store. She
doesn't seem too fond of buttoning her top button. Let's go
check her out.

EXT. - STREET
Stark and Hoover go wheeling down the street. At the
crosswalk, Hoover jumps up and presses the button. The
sign changes to the white 'walking person'. As Stark wheels
himself into the middle of the street, he slumps forward,
unconscious. Hoover tries to wake Stark by jumping up and
barking in his face, to no avail. Meanwhile, behind them,
we see the shine of headlights coming towards them.

Meanwhile, behind them, we see the shine of headlights
coming towards them. The scene is split between the
woman driver changing the music, oblivious to the world
around her, and Hoover becoming increasingly anxious as
the SUV gets nearer. Finally, the woman sees whats going
on, panics, and slides the car to a stop bare inches from the
man and dog. Both she and another driver get out and run
to him.

CREDITS


INT. - AUDITORIUM - AFTERNOON
The current crop of candidates sit in various poses of casual
waiting about the auditorium.

COLE: What are we supposed to be doing? It's almost four.

KUTNER: Tchah! You got someplace to be?

TWIN 15B: We know he likes to manipulate people. He's
probably testing us.

AMBER: To find out what? How long we can look stupid
for?

AMBER gets up, looks up the stairs where there is still a
House-shaped hole.

AMBER: He said he'd be here by three; he's obviously not
coming.

She takes off her number and starts walking up the stairs.

AMBER: I'm going home.

COLE: Nobody follow her. She Pied-Piper'ed nine people
right out of a job last week.

She glares back down at Cole as behind her, HOUSE bangs
open the door and walks in, carrying his cane and a stack of
files. Amber looks startled, guilty, then put-upon as
everyone assumes more formal postures.

HOUSE: Would you mind holding my metaphor for a
second?

House hands his cane to Amber and begins flinging out the
files to all present, starting with Henry Dobson.

HOUSE: New patient. Thirty-seven-year-old male, suffers
from severe ascending muscle weakness.

House flings a copy of the file over to Brennan.

COLE: (challengingly) Why are you late?

HOUSE: To see who'd put up with it.

COLE: So, you mean if we'd left, we'd have been fired?

House throws a copy of the file almost in Jody's face, who
manages to catch it, if awkwardly. He continues down the
stairs doling out files as he goes.

HOUSE: No, I was going to fire everyone who stuck around.
But since everyone stuck around

House flings a file around his back to Kutner as he reaches
the bottom of the stairs. Thirteen smiles over her file as he
and Amber do an awkward cane-for-file exchange.

HOUSE: Twenty-eight percent curvature of the spine has
caused reduced lung capacity, and has reduced bone
mineral density.

House walks over and sits painfully on the desk.

THIRTEEN: Patient has Spinal Muscular Atrophy. It's genetic.
Incurable. This is not a diagnostic mystery.

HOUSE: You have just given state secrets to the enemy.

THIRTEEN: (curiously suspicious) What enemy?

HOUSE: (brisk) New patient. New rules.

House rises from the desk as we see Amber and Dobson
each responding to the news, each according to their
natures - Amber with suspicion, Dobson with resigned
willingness.

HOUSE: Today you're going to split yourselves into two
teams.

House walks to the front of the auditorium and faces the
fellows-to-be. Cole looks on, resigned and challenging.

HOUSE: The first to figure out what's threatening to deprive
the patient of the twenty or so miserable years he's got left
with SMA gets to keep their jobs. (Beat) Take off your
numbers. You look stupid.

House walks toward the side door of the auditorium.

HOUSE: And I think I know who you are by now.

Kutner looks up, a bit alarmed.

KUTNER: Wait. How do you want us to split up?

House turns back towards the class.

HOUSE: Good question, Overly Excited Former Foster Kid.
There's ten of you. I was thinking six against six? No,
wait

House puts his finger up to his lips, sarcastically pondering.

TWIN 15B: How about Women versus Men?

HOUSE: Excellent suggestion, Fat Twin. More interesting
than Evens versus Odds, less interesting than Shirts against
Skins.

House comes to a decision as Amber watches on,
pondering.

HOUSE: (announcing) If your sex organs dangle, you're the
Confederates. If your sex organs are aesthetically pleasing,
you're the Yanks.

House turns to leave again.

AMBER: Dr. House?

House turns back.

AMBER: I'd like to be on the men's team.

HOUSE: Do your sex organs dangle, (beat) Cutthroat Bitch?

AMBER: Not yet.

House looks intrigued by the statement.

AMBER: You've never hired more than one female on your
team before.

Thirteen watches speculatively.

AMBER: If you're going to purge an entire gender, it isn't
going to be the danglers.

HOUSE: Sounds logical. (Beat) If you don't think about it for
more than three seconds. But I just told you that if the
danglers lose, they're out.

Amber nods.

HOUSE: So, I can only assume you're hiding the real reason.

Thirteen looks over at Amber, considering.

HOUSE: You don't think the women will be aggressive
enough, will be good enough at science. They'll be too
emotional.

AMBER: (impatient) Can I switch teams?

Twin 15-B glares at her, silently mimicking House's
'Cutthroat Bitch' assessment.

HOUSE: (shrugging) If the danglers are ok, I'm ok.

House turns again.

INT. - HALLWAY
The fellows-to-be are walking in a clump around the corner
on their way to House's office, Amber off to the side, trying
to convince them of her position.

DOBSON: We're not ok.

AMBER: I get it. You don't like me because maybe I'm a
little bit competitive.

TAUB: Manipulative.

Taub pushes past her.

KUTNER: Cutthroat Bitch is your official title.

He also pushes past her.

AMBER: It's a game. You can either play for fun or play to
win. If you want to win, you want cutthroat.

COLE: No, thank you.

Cole passes her as well and they leave her standing there,
starting after them in confusion.

INT. - HOUSE:'S OFFICE
The ladies are starting their differential, arranged around
the front of House's office. Thirteen is pacing just the other
side of the glass wall.

THIRTEEN: First thing we have to do is get inside his head.

JODY: It's not psychological.

THIRTEEN: Not talking about the patient. Talking about
House. He's insane, but he's not irresponsible. He wouldn't
be playing this game if he didn't already know the answer.

INT. - HOUSE:'S CONFERENCE ROOM
The men are gathered around the conference table, also
starting their differential. First thing we do is gang-bang the
sucker. There's five of us. We can run dozens of tests. We
don't need a theory; we just need brute force.

OFFICE
TWIN 15B: What about the assist dog? Picks bacteria-
infested things up with its bacteria-infested mouth, hands
them over to the guy and

JODY: It's not the dog. Wouldn't be fair.

TWIN 15A: To who?

JODY: Whom. (Beat) The men.

Twin 15A rolls her eyes.

JODY: House knows I used to be a vet. If the dog's the
answer, they'd be at a handicap.

Twin 15-B considers.

CONFERENCE ROOM
Cole is standing up, earnestly addressing the table.

COLE: What about the dog? Assist dogs put everything in
their mouths

Brennan gets up from where he's been sitting on the
conference table near the board and writes 'low sodium' on
the whiteboard.

COLE: money, doorknobs

BRENNAN: Great.

COLE: That's not what I said. Why'd you think of low
sodium?

BRENNAN: I don't.

Kutner gets up and faces the group.

KUTNER: Patient took a trip to Thailand two weeks ago.
(Whispering) Hey, write bigger and angle the board more so
they can see it.

Brennan starts writing 'lactose' on the board.

COLE: This is wrong.

BRENNAN: It's only wrong if they cheat off us, and if they
cheat off us, they're wrong.

DOBSON: They're not cheating. One of them is moving

We see Dobson taking note of the ladies as Brennan
finishes writing the word 'intolerant' on the whiteboard.
Kutner turns to see as Thirteen picks up her lab coat and
walks out. Kutner stares after her.

INT. - ER
Man is playing with a very large, long cut on his arm.
Cameron walks past, sees him doing so, and takes his hand
away from the wound.

CAMERON: (in passing) Hey! Stop playing with your sutures
or I'll have to redo them.

Over against the wall, Amber is holding a specimen cup
with a mixture of curiosity and disgust on her face.
Cameron walks over to where she's lurking, continuing to
attend to the details of her job.

AMBER: Why do you guys keep a 'D' cell battery in a urine
specimen cup?

CAMERON: Because we pulled it from a patient's intestine.

AMBER: Why would somebody swallow a battery?

CAMERON: (smirking) Why do you assume it was
swallowed? (Turns to a passing nurse) Bed 5 needs a bag of
Ringer's Lactate.

Cameron begins walking away and Amber follows her.

AMBER: Would have been worse if he'd used a 9-volt.

CAMERON: (smiling larger) Who said it was a 'he'?

The two ladies round the corner.

INT - HALLWAY OUTSIDE THE ER
They keep walking, Cameron taking the lead.

AMBER: False assumptions. You're good. You're trying to
get me to think like him.

CAMERON: And you're trying to kiss my ass. (Stops, whirls,
and confronts Amber) Why are you talking to me?

AMBER: (earnestly, seriously) Because House is turning
patient care into a game. It's dangerous. The patient's going
to suffer - maybe die.

Cameron considers Amber coldly, recognizing the words for
the ploy they are.

INT. - CLINIC
House enters the clinic room warily. We see a lump that will
presently turn into the patient. He comes fully into the
room and shuts the door behind him.

HOUSE: Wow! You really need a shave.

A patient with a neck brace and extensive bruising on his
face and a cast on his arm awaits. He studies House as
House studies him.

HOUSE: You see what I did there.

The patient, Mark Almore, gets up off the table, pulls out a
switchblade and flicks it open. House's eyes widen and he
backs away.

HOUSE: Whoa.

He backs further away, thinking Almore is coming at him as
Almore rushes the wall instead, sticking the knifeblade in
the electrical socket. He shakes with the electricity pouring
through him as House watches. Almore finally falls to the
floor.

HOUSE: Interesting.

House stares at Almore's unconscious body for a moment,
then comes back to himself, opens the door and hollers to
the staff outside.

HOUSE: Need a crash cart in here!

He studies the body for a moment, then prods it with his
cane. The crash team comes in with the cart, and he steps
back to allow them room to enter.

HOUSE: (holding up his hands) I didn't do it.

House continues to ponder the situation.

INT. - POTW'S ROOM
Thirteen stands next to Stark's bed.

THIRTEEN: When a person faints, it's because they're not
getting enough blood to their brain. The act of falling
corrects the problem. You faint again strapped into that
power chair where you can't fall, you might not wake up.

STARK: Killed by an assistive device. At least my death
would be ironic.

THIRTEEN: I think when you went to Thailand you picked up
a threadworm called strongyloides. They usually go up
through your feet.

STARK: I didn't do a lot of walking on the beach.

THIRTEEN: But I assume you did have someone lay you
down in the sand. Bare back, bare legs - increases exposure
tenfold over bare feet.

Thirteen picks up a pill cup and sets it on his bed tray.

THIRTEEN: Two pills. You'll be all better.

STARK: Can I have some water for those, please?

As Thirteen goes over to the water pitcher, Kutner and
Brennan come in. We see that Hoover is sitting guard in the
guest chair by the hallway glass.

THIRTEEN: Hey! Take a number.

KUTNER: House didn't say anything about taking turns.
What's she testing you for?

THIRTEEN: Don't. (Turns back to Stark) They'll spend all day
obsessing over my idea instead of coming up with one of
their own.

Thirteen puts a cup of water on the bed tray.

THIRTEEN: But hey, I might be wrong.

She sails out of the room.

KUTNER: Seriously. I'm worried that if we don't know what
she's given you, there could be complications.

Brennan quietly begins to examine Stark.

STARK: No, you're not. House told me. He's keeping track of
all that. Ten doctors. I should be getting ten cures.

KUTNER: We need blood, hair, and stool. You poop, and
then you use the wooden sticks to collect it and you rub it
on the green box.

STARK: Why don't you hand it to my dog? Only one of us
thinks I can do it on my own, and the last couple of days, I
haven't even been doing that.

Kutner pulls a hair from Stark's head.

STARK: Ow!

BRENNAN: Is it ok if we carry you into the bathroom?

STARK: If you want me there, that's the way you're going to
have to do it.

Kutner pushes the bed tray away and Brennan moves the
impedimenta from the other side of the bed. Then he
gently puts Stark's arm around his neck and lifts him.

STARK: Can I get a little head support please?

Kutner obliges.

STARK: Thank you.

They head off to the bathroom, Brennan carrying Stark, and
Kutner supporting Stark's head and pushing the IV stand.
Hoover supervises from the chair.

INT. - CUDDY'S OFFICE
House opens the door with a little fling of the hand and
enters. Cuddy is working at her desk. She looks up to see
who has entered without knocking as he sits with a little
grimace of pain. He flomps, clearly settling in for the long
haul, looking dejected. Cuddy stares at him inquiringly.
House continues to sit there, silently. Finally she has to ask.

CUDDY: Why are you here?

HOUSE: My offices are being used by my teams.

House reaches over and fiddles with the paperclip bowl on
Cuddy's desk.

CUDDY: Teams?

HOUSE: Which means this is the only place you can yell at
me.

CUDDY: You have team-s?

HOUSE: Two of them. I wanted to deal with the yelling
today because I noticed what you were wearing and I
wouldn't have to listen all that closely.

Cuddy smacks his hand like a mother to an errant child and
moves the dish away.

CUDDY: You can't make a competition out of patient care.

HOUSE: (reasonably) Without competition, we'd still be
single-celled organisms. (Beat) Can I go now?

CUDDY: (holds up a finger) Not until after the yelling.
(Points the finger at House) What's wrong with him?

HOUSE: I have seven of the finest minds on it, along with
three very special

CUDDY: You wouldnt be doing this unless you already
knew.

HOUSE: Ah. I tell you; you tell them; game's over.

CUDDY: If you know, you are OBLIGATED to treat

HOUSE: Well, then, in that case I don't know.

Cuddy sits back in her chair, astounded and exasperated.

HOUSE: Why would a guy voluntarily shove a metal object
into an electrical socket?

CUDDY: (leaning closer) I'm getting closer and closer to
knowing the answer. (Beat) What would happen if I shut
down this game?

HOUSE: I'd fire them all, hire forty new fellowship
applicants, start the game all over again.

House rises from his chair and heads for the door, while
Cuddy stares after him, totally flabbergasted.

CUDDY: You DO know what's wrong with him, right?

House turns back to Cuddy.

HOUSE: It'd be pretty irresponsible if I didn't, wouldn't it?

With that, House walks out the door, shutting it behind him
with a snap.

EXT. - NYC - DAY
View of Manhattan towards the river.

INT. - MERCY CONFERENCE ROOM
Foreman peruses the case file as around him, his team puts
forward potential diagnoses. Eventually, we come to see
they are grouped around a conference table, the
whiteboard in the background.

FEMALE FELLOW: Antibiotics aren't working.

HANDSOME FELLOW: Legionella could explain the lungs,
the fever.

LATINO FELLOW: If she had legionella, she'd have low
sodium.

FOREMAN: What can you tell me about HER?

FEMALE FELLOW: She likes bodysurfing.

HANDSOME FELLOW: Maybe picked up a virus swimming
off Johns Beach.

FEMALE FELLOW: But she doesn't even have the energy to
finish her crossword any more.

LATINO FELLOW: Her boyfriend said

FOREMAN: That's it!

Foreman abruptly rises and begins to write 'blurry vision' on
the whiteboard.

HANDSOME FELLOW: What is?

FOREMAN: Blurry vision!

LATINO FELLOW: How do you get blurry vision from not
being?

FOREMAN: (turning to his team) You don't stop a daily
ritual that cures boredom because you're bored. She
stopped doing her crossword puzzle because she's having a
hard time reading it. What causes fever, boggy lungs, and
blurry vision?

HANDSOME FELLOW: (looks around eagerly as he explains)
Fungal. Aspergillus would explain the pneumonia, which
explains the fever.

FOREMAN: (pleased) Start her on amphotericin.

They begin to scatter obediently.

FOREMAN: Hey, guys! Great job.

They turn to leave again, with varying degrees of happiness
and confusion on their faces. Foreman looks after them, the
proud father looking after his own children, breathing a
huge sigh when they've gone.

INT. - PPTH CAFETERIA
House flicks open the knife that his clinic patient had used
to electrocute himself.

HOUSE: (musing) If you're going to try to take yourself out,
(closes the knife) why choose electricity? You'd eat a bullet
(flick) or jump off a building

WILSON: (obviously uncomfortable) I love the 'team' thing,
by the way.

HOUSE: (refusing to be distracted) bury yourself alive in
Cuddy's cleavage.

He flicks open the knife again to punctuate his statement.

WILSON: Teamwork. Collaboration. All for the greater
good

House closes the knife again.

HOUSE: It could have been a suicidal gesture, as opposed to
an actual attempt.

WILSON: Interestingly, the rain in Spain doesn't actually fall
in the plain all that much.

HOUSE: Who puts their internal organs on a skillet just to
get attention?

WILSON: (frustrated) Go ask him.

Wilson gets up from the cafeteria table and leaves, having
finally realized that House hasn't been paying attention and
isnt likely to start any time soon.

HOUSE: (to the empty air) Well, that would be cheating.

Flick.

INT. - PPTH LAB
Amber comes into the lab to see the men busily working on
various tests.

AMBER: (briskly) Got a diagnosis yet?

TAUB: (shortly) Get out of here.

AMBER: (sarcastically) Got a stool sample yet?

COLE: How could you know?

AMBER: Oh, I talked to a nurse. Pretty brilliant, hunh?
(Beat) I give you a move House will love, straight from one
of his former fellows, and you let me join your team.

KUTNER: (pulling something out of a machine) You're too
late. We already have our diagnosis.

COLE: (looking up from his microscope) He's lying because
he wants you to go away. (Beat) So do I.

BRENNAN: How do we know you're not a double agent?
Find out what we're thinking, then go back to the women?

AMBER: Because I don't care what you're thinking. You
want to know why I want to be on your team? Because
you're idiots. If I can get the women out of the competition,
I'm in. (Beat) And so are two of you.

Taub nods agreement and turns away from her, back to his
computer, silently taking a vote. Dobson is noncommittal,
Cole nods, Kutner nods, Brennan is also noncommittal.
Taub turns back to Amber.

TAUB: So. What's the big move?

INT. - POTW'S ROOM
A gloved hand holds a bottle in which some kind of insect is
flying about.

AMBER: It's called xenodiagnosis.

Stark takes a sip of something white from a cup.

AMBER: We let these bugs bite you, and then we test their
feces for parasites.

We see Stark lying back on the bed, looking weak. Taub is
standing at the foot of the bed, while Amber holds the glass
jar of insects.

STARK: Why can't you test my feces?

TAUB: Because you've been chugging Milk of Magnesia for
the past hour. You got a lot going in and nothing coming
out.

Stark begins to choke and cough, turning his face away.
Amber continues to hold the bugs against Stark's arm.

AMBER: Testing the bugs' feces is actually more accurate
than testing yours. Smaller haystack, easier to find the
needle.

Hoover begins to bark as Stark's choking gets worse.

TAUB: Get the bugs off. (Louder) Get the bugs OFF him!

AMBER: The test isn't done.

TAUB: He's choking.

Taub shoves Amber out of the way and siphons stuff out of
his mouth as Hoover barks concern. Taub looks up at
Amber.

INT. - AUDITORIUM
View of Stark having his back percussed, while Hoover sits
on guard in the chair, which has now been moved to the
foot of the bed.

HOUSE: Patchy infiltrates on the x-ray. Patient improved
with chest PT and oxygen, consistent with aspiration.

View of the auditorium, with House pacing back and forth
in front of the candidates, to-go coffee cup in hand.

HOUSE: So now we have another symptom to explain - why
does his throat think his lungs are his stomach?

The candidates stare blankly back at him.

HOUSE: And why are your throats closing up?

AMBER: Shouldn't we be in separate rooms?

HOUSE: If you think I'm going to run two differentials at this
time of the morning Grumpy, you're first.

BRENNAN: I'm not grumpy.

HOUSE: Why would I call you that if you weren't?

House goes over to the chair and sits, putting his feet up on
the desk as Brennan is talking.

BRENNAN: It's an unusual combination. Unusual equals
exotic, equals foreign. Has to be connected to his trip to
Thailand.

HOUSE: You practice medicine overseas?

BRENNAN: I was with Doctors without Borders for eight
years.

HOUSE: (expansively) Ta-da!

BRENNAN: It's in my file.

HOUSE: David Blaine hides the six of hearts in a beer bottle,
it's still impressive.

Brennan smiles a little at that.

HOUSE: (challenging) You like exotic. Why are you here?

BRENNAN: I want this job.

HOUSE: Parents sick?

Thirteen looks on, considering.

BRENNAN: No. I I just

HOUSE: (interrupts) This is not the job you want. This is the
job in the ZIP code you want. You engaged?

BRENNAN: Yes.

HOUSE: (expansively, but softer) Ta-da!

This time, it's Kutner's turn to smile.

BRENNAN: Am I not allowed to grow up and change my
priorities?

HOUSE: You're allowed to. People usually don't.

House takes a sip from his coffee as Thirteen speaks up, not
looking up from her file.

THIRTEEN: This is not a new symptom. Our patient has
Spinal Muscular Atrophy. He has documented trouble
swallowing. The choking is not new.

HOUSE: So if it's nothing new, what caused the old?

House gets up and comes to stand on the ground floor in
front of her.

THIRTEEN: Strongyloides worms explain the fainting. We
already treated

HOUSE: (abruptly) So, he's all better, Woman Who
(Shrugs) Thirteen.

THIRTEEN: Hasn't gotten any worse.

HOUSE: (searching) That's a pretty passive approach for the
daughter of an alcoholic.

THIRTEEN: Wrong again.

TWIN 15A: We could stress his system. Put him on a tilt
table. If he stays conscious, it means we made the right
diagnosis and we win.

HOUSE: Then why haven't you?

The women rise and bail.

HOUSE: Six against four. One of the men is going to have to
join the women's team.

The men all raise their hands.

HOUSE: On the other hand, one of the men isn't an actual
doctor, so I guess it's pretty fair.

Kutner looks around, appalled.

HOUSE: Men, you're in the penalty box.

TAUB: Who's not the doctor?

HOUSE: Glad you asked about that.

Taub looks resigned as he realizes House has no intention
of answering him.

HOUSE: Reason I'm penalizing you is time management.

The fellows look at each other as House delivers the
lecture.

HOUSE: In Diagnostics, you're always working against the
clock. The women came up with a theory and they treated
the patient. You just sat around in a lab, hoping a series of
blind test would GIVE you a theory. You wasted the
patient's time. (Takes another sip of coffee) Now I'm going
to waste yours.

House takes a huge sip of coffee to punctuate his
statement.

INT. - MERCY CONFERENCE ROOM
Foreman's team comes back into the room.

HANDSOME FELLOW: Her gums are starting to turn yellow.

LATINO FELLOW: Whatever it is, it's in her liver now.

FEMALE FELLOW: Fungal fit perfectly.

FOREMAN: We were wrong.

Foreman gets up and moves to the whiteboard.

FOREMAN: And we're going to keep being wrong until
we're right.

LATINO FELLOW: Or until she dies.

FOREMAN: Yeah, that was very helpful. (Grumbles as he
writes) Need a team to tell me we're mortals. (Turns back
to his team) I'm sorry. You're right. Doesn't hurt to be
reminded that we're dealing with the real stakes here.
(Looks at the board) Liver failure's a bad thing, but it's also a
clue. (Gently questioning) What does it tell us?

INT. - CLINIC POTW'S ROOM
Flick. House is still playing with the knife, this time as he
leans on the footboard of the bed, watching the patient.
Flick. This achieves the desired effect of waking Almore.

HOUSE: Can't let you leave if they think you're still
suicidal.

ALMORE: I wasn't trying to off myself.

HOUSE: (quietly sarcastic) No, that's right. You were just
trying to kill the wall. (Pause) I check this box, and your next
roommates are gonna be Jesus and Crazy McLoonyBin. That
guy never had a chance.

ALMORE: It's gonna sound stupid.

HOUSE: Suddenly you're shy? (Moves to Almore's side) You
pooped your pants in front of me. (Beat) It's one of the
nasty side effects of dying.

Almore sighs, considers, sighs again, then answers.

ALMORE: Last Saturday, I got into a car crash. A drunk
driver came over the line, hit me head-on. (Pause) It was
like slow motion. I saw these headlights and I saw
Paramedics said I was technically dead for 97 seconds.
(Pause) It was the best 97 seconds of my life.

House stares at Almore, considering. Almore stares back,
trying to get House to understand. Finally, House breaks the
moment.

HOUSE: (taking a deep breath) Ok. Here's what happened.
Your oxygen-deprived brain was shutting down. A flood of
endorphins and serotonin was released. That's what gave
you the visions.

ALMORE: No. Believe me, it wasn't chemicals. I've done
every hallucinogenic there is. This was way bigger than that.
(Reverently) There's something out there. (Pause)
Something more.

House starts to walk away.

ALMORE: Hey, can I have my knife back?

HOUSE: (flip) Nope.

House keeps going.

INT. - HOUSE'S OFFICE
The men's team is sitting around House's office, playing
with various of the toys. Taub's commandeered the chair,
Cole is sitting on the floor, the others have arrayed
themselves between the two extremes, except for Amber,
who is perusing the bookcase by the door.

TAUB: Who the hell isn't a doctor?

COLE: House said we can't talk.

TAUB: He meant we can't talk about the case.

DOBSON: House is just jerking us around. That's what he
does.

TAUB: You're not curious? There's only one reason you
wouldn't be curious.

Amber comes to stand in the middle, commanding their
attention.

AMBER: (impatiently) We should talk about the case. (Beat)
We're being punished for wasting time, maybe we
shouldn't be wasting this time.

BRENNAN: Close that door. You're going to get us all fired.

AMBER: We need to find a link between fainting and
trouble swallowing.

TAUB: We need to know if it's dysphasia or full-blown
achalasia.

DOBSON: Paraganglioma.

TAUB: How would a neoplastic growth in his abdomen

DOBSON: Not his abdomen. In his neck. A carotid body
tumor causes trouble swallowing. Food presses against the
vagus nerve, and causes the fainting.

Amber nods, seeing the sense of what he's saying.

COLE: So, if this guy has CANCER, we get to keep our jobs?
And if he's healthy, we're fired.

AMBER: We need the CT to prove it.

BRENNAN: And we need the women not to figure it out
while we're sitting here.

KUTNER: And does House's computer have a built-in
microphone?

Kutner makes a gesture and everyone looks to see the web-
camera sitting on top of House's monitor. There are various
guilty expressions from those assembled. Amber thinks for
a moment, then fades back to the wall and begins to slide
down it. When she gets to the floor, she crawls under the
desk and to the door to the balcony, to the accompaniment
of curious and confused looks from her fellow fellowship
candidates. Once there, she eases open the door and
makes her escape.

INT. - WILSON'S OFFICE
Wilson is in conference with a patient.

WILSON: There is a potential toxicity with the experimental
treatment

He pauses in astounded curiosity as Amber stands up and
comes in the door.

AMBER: I was never here.

Wilson just looks at her as she walks past him and out the
door, with twin expressions of 'oh, no, not again!' and 'what
just happened here?' on his face.

INT. - TILT LAB
Jody, Thirteen, and the twins are at the monitoring desk of
the tilt lab. Stark is on the table.

JODY: Blood pressure is stable through 60 degrees.

THIRTEEN: No pauses on his EKG, no nausea. The treatment
worked.

As the twins smile the success, Amber comes into the room
and makes for the table controls.

AMBER: I need our patient.

THIRTEEN: Syncope's cured, Amber. It's over.

AMBER: You obviously haven't stressed his system enough.

JODY: You crank that thing high enough, anyone will pass
out.

STARK: (laughing) This is incredible! This is the most I've
moved in twenty years!

Amber looks on, outmanoeuvred, as Stark continues to
laugh his way through the test.

INT. - HALLWAY
Thirteen and House walk down the hallway as she gives her
report.

THIRTEEN: The Tilt table test showed that the patient's EKG,
BP, and pulse were made normal, despite considerable

HOUSE: Who are you, Thirteen?

THIRTEEN: My name's in the file.

HOUSE: The fact that you won't answer my questions tells
me more about you than answers could.

THIRTEEN: No, it doesn't. We turned the thing up to 95
degrees

House swipes a towel off a passing laundry cart.

HOUSE: Do you think that non-answers tell me anything?

THIRTEEN: Sure. Just not as much as actual answers. That's
why they are called answers.

HOUSE: Tell me you're hiding something.

THIRTEEN: Tells you I'm hiding everything.

HOUSE: Tells me you've got something worth hiding. Some
Turkish prison, gay porn ya killed a man just because he
was asking too many questions.

THIRTEEN: Can I finish reporting on the patient?

HOUSE: No need. See you in an hour or so. Got to set
some stuff up.

INT. - AUDITORIUM
The auditorium is set up a la Survivor. Gas jets fire blue
flame into the air. House presides in odd solemnity, dressed
in t-shirt and dew rag and carrying a walking stick. The
skeleton in the corner is the proud temporary recipient of
his suit jacket.

HOUSE: Thank you all for coming to Tribal Council. (To
Cole) Man of your integrity, I feel I can trust Big Love. And
I don't call you that because you are a Mormon. (Winks
broadly as Cole grimaces) So, where's your team's sixth
man?

COLE: She went rogue. Broke the rules.

HOUSE: You also sinned. You have no right to cast the first
stone.

COLE: And atheists have no right to quote Scripture.

HOUSE: The rules said 'no talking'.

COLE: I told her not to talk.

HOUSE: Out loud.

TAUB: We were trying to save a man's life.

HOUSE: Key word being 'trying'. Tilt table test confirmed
that you guys were wrong. You're fired.

While the celebration and the sighing are going on from the
women and men respectively, House looks up at the sound
of a door opening

HOUSE: Ah, the Prodigal Son returneth. You're also fired.

Amber ignores him and comes down the stairs, bearing a CT
film along with the file.

AMBER: We thought there was a tumor on the patient's
esophagus. We were right about the area, wrong about the
diagnosis. (Trades House film for stick) Turns out the
esophagus is just straightening. It's scleroderma. It explains
the syncope and the choking. He needs steroids.

THIRTEEN: You did a CT scan?

AMBER: Obviously.

THIRTEEN: After you were already proven wrong?

HOUSE: Good for you. It's too bad you're wrong.
Straightening indicates weakening, not hardening. SMA
explains the weakening. (Takes back his stick, give Amber
back the film) Strongyloides infection explains everything
else. (Indicates the rest of the women) You ladies have the
honor to give the patient a feeding tube, discharge him, and
show up for work tomorrow. The rest of you you're a
disappointment. You make me want to stop dangling.

Everyone scatters, except for Amber, who stands there in
shocked denial, and Dobson, who comes over to House.

DOBSON: It was the best two weeks of my life.

HOUSE: I think I will miss you most of all, Ridiculously Old
Fraud.

They stare at each other for a moment, then Dobson
smiles, nods, and turns away, while House swipes off his
dew rag and runs his fingers through his hair, shaking off
the incident.

INT. - SCRUB ROOM
Amber is talking to Chase, who is at the scrub sink,
performing the appropriate ablutions.

AMBER: Do you think House could be wrong?

CHASE: I thought he fired you.

AMBER: No, he fired the men.

Chase looks at her long and hard before looking at the CT
film.

CHASE: Don't think he's wrong.

AMBER: If he is, how would I prove it?

CHASE: Just said I don't think he is.

AMBER: Well, thinking isn't good enough.

CHASE: You'd have to run a blood test for anti-sentriamia(?)
antibodies.

AMBER: Would you mind running the labs?

CHASE: You can't.

AMBER: Well, I can, but

CHASE: (faces her) No, I was making a statement. You've
been fired, so you no longer have lab privileges. You
weren't coming here for advice, you coming here to con a
favor to save your job. Sorry. I'm not working for him any
more, but he can still make my life miserable.

Chase begins to walk away.

AMBER: You have a chance to make his life miserable.

Chase stops, turns around.

CHASE: I'm insulted. You conned Cameron by appealing to
her humanity.

AMBER: I told her what she wanted to hear.

CHASE: And you told me what you thought I wanted to
hear.

AMBER: If it's any consolation, I think your motives are
more interesting.

CHASE: I cannot believe he fired you. Go draw his blood.
Meet you in the lab when I'm done here.

Chase walks out, leaving Amber to smile and nod to herself
before bailing.

INT. - POTW'S ROOM
Amber rounds the corner and comes into Stark's room. She
immediately goes to his bedside and puts on gloves.

STARK: Guess you didn't find your tumor?

AMBER: The other doctors tell you that you were fine?

STARK: Yeah. In the sense that it's just my disease getting
worse. (Pause) You come to terms with this disease. You
know it's there. You know it's waiting. And every now and
again, it takes something away.

He looks up at Amber as she pulls the tourniquet around his
arm.

STARK: Took my walking. Took my modesty. Now it's taking
one of my last pleasures.

AMBER: There's an outside shot that something OTHER
than the SMA is causing your eating problems. And if it is,
we can fix it. Remove that tube.

She draws the blood. To quote another show "It's green."

STARK: That my blood? It's green. What does that mean?

Amber pulls the tube, holds it up, looks at it.

AMBER: (triumphant) It means I'm not fired.

INT. - AUDITORIUM
House is pacing in front of the chalkboard.

HOUSE: Is he a Vulcan? If no, what makes Nimoy bleed
green?

KUTNER: Are we officially unfired?

TWIN 15B: How do we know she didn't fake the green
blood?

HOUSE: Because that would be stupid. And while she may
be manipulative, borderline evil, shallow

AMBER: They get it. I'm not stupid.

TAUB: What contrast did you use for the CT?

AMBER: ICM.

TAUB: His kidneys aren't working. They didn't filter the
contrast, which in ICM, is green.

HOUSE: Ten points. (Puts his cane on the desk and goes to
the board) 'k let's add kidney failure to our list of
symptoms.

KUTNER: What are these points? Is that how you're
deciding who to fire?

HOUSE: (irritated, turns to Kutner) I'm going to fire the next
person who asks me who I'm going to fire.

KUTNER: Now we're on the points system? What happened
to Men against Women?

HOUSE: Forget the game.

KUTNER: What do you mean forget the game?

HOUSE: (losing patience) I mean, forget the damn game!
Guy's kidneys are failing. We need to diagnose exactly...

DOBSON: I thought we were diagnosing.

HOUSE: YOU were diagnosing. Now I am too. (Beat) I
thought that Thirteen was right about the strongyloides.
(Picks up his cane) I was obviously wrong. (The moment of
self-recrimination over, House continues in his 'differential'
voice) Ok, kidney failure, aspiration, fainting go!

THIRTEEN: Kidney failure could be the result of a grand-
negative bacteria. Our patient wears a catheter full-time. It
virtually guarantees bacterial infection.

TWIN 15B: Which could have migrated up to his kidneys.

TWIN 15A: Infection stresses his already weakened system,
makes his SMA worse, that explains the choking and
fainting.

HOUSE: Put him on IV Ampaget(?).

AMBER: Our team's scleroderma diagnosis still holds. The
test could have been negative because the blood was
contaminated with contrast.

HOUSE: Do a skin biopsy. Get a side of lymph node to
confirm.

The fellows-to-be scatter as House looks at the board and
thinks.

INT. - PPTH LOBBY
Chase and Cameron are walking towards the main doors
when House emerges from the elevator and strides angrily
towards them.

HOUSE: I could have you fired!

CHASE: (confused) You've already had me fired.

HOUSE: Which proves that I can.

CHASE: (turns to face House) Were the men wrong?

HOUSE: No. That doesn't change the fact

CHASE: Why are you yelling at me?

HOUSE: Because performing tests for someone who is not a
doctor in this hospital

CHASE: You're frustrated. If you want help, I'm here. If you
just need to vent leave a message.

CAMERON: I like him better this way. (Channelling smug)
You?

House glares after her as she waves and swishes away.
Thirteen and Brennan come up behind him. Houses turns to
meet them.

THIRTEEN: Patient developed pneumonia. His lungs are
filling fast. We started him on antibiotics. Nothing. We were
wrong.

HOUSE: (to Brennan) And you're here to say?

BRENNAN: We were wrong too. He doesn't have
scleroderma. Biopsy revealed no fibrotic changes.

HOUSE: Cervical lymph node has black flecks.

BRENNAN: Small areas of necrosis. It's nothing.

HOUSE: You say nothing? I say cancer.

House walks off towards the elevators.

INT. - SCHAFFER'S OFFICE
Schaffer and Foreman are facing off around the corner of
her desk.

SCHAFFER: It's a bit of a stretch to jump right to cancer.

FOREMAN: I'm not jumping. Broad specs haven't worked,
so it's not bacterial. Failing liver despite treatment suggests
it's not fungal. And her high lactic acidosis points towards
anaplastic large cell lymphoma.

SCHAFFER: Also suggests infection. Which is a lot easier and
safer to treat. (She goes behind her desk and sits down)

FOREMAN: Large cell lymphoma's incredibly aggressive.
She'll be dead in a week if we follow the textbooks.

SCHAFFER: Unless it's infection, in which case you radiate
her and she'll be dead in a day. And I know you've had
some experience with that. (Pause) I've seen doctors do this
before. Go back to the scene of the crime - if you're right
this time, you purge yourself of past ghosts.

FOREMAN: I know it's contrary to protocol. But I think it's
more like

SCHAFFER: Ghosts are there for a reason. So you don't
make the same mistake twice. Switch her over to third-
generation cephalosporin.

Foreman looks at her, then walks away.

INT. - HALLWAY
House emerges from the elevator to find Cuddy blocking his
way.

CUDDY: You want to remove his EYE?

HOUSE: (suspiciously) Who told you?

CUDDY: You booked the OR.

HOUSE: (nods) Good.

House moves around her and walks off. She scrambles
around to block his path again.

CUDDY: You can't beat me in a foot race.

HOUSE: Thought we were dancing.

He tries to move off again. At Cuddy's exasperated look, not
to mention her moving to block his path again, House
relents and explains.

HOUSE: Cervical lymph node is a garbage dump. A very
small one. Just one truck comes in and it only comes from
one home. Al Gore would be appalled. The home

CUDDY: The home is the right eye. I get it. Do a biopsy.

HOUSE: On my way.

He walks off. Cuddy trails frantically after him.

CUDDY: You're not DOING a biopsy. You ordered an orbital
exenteration.

She finally stops him in front of Wilson's office door.

HOUSE: Right. Because I don't want to remove a little tiny
piece, sit in a lab, and confirm what I already know, while
my patient drowns in his own fluid. (Beat) But if you want
me to, I absolutely will.

CUDDY: How advanced is the pneumonia?

HOUSE: It's taking college courses. (Yelling) Hey, Wilson! I'm
going to cut some cripple's eye out! Want to come watch?

Cuddy considers him intently. At the bellow, Wilson
emerges from his office behind Cuddy.

WILSON: Good times.

HOUSE: We good to go?

At this confirmation of the course of action from her
favorite House-herder, Cuddy looks at House long and hard,
then gives up. House and Wilson both follow her with their
eyes, admiring her ass as it swishes down the hall away
from them.

INT. - POTW'S ROOM
Stark is laying back on the bed, looking worse. Wilson is
standing by the bed, telling Stark the bad news.

STARK: I thought melanoma was skin cancer.

WILSON: Technically, it's cancer of the pigment cells, the
same cells that give your iris its color.

STARK: Cancer. Why not? What else can God throw at me?

House is in the back of the room, lounging on the cabinets.

HOUSE: Hail. Locusts. Smiting of the firstborn. Course, it all
depends on how evil you've been.

WILSON: House.

STARK: If it's cancer, it's spread everywhere, right? It's
what's in my lungs, my kidneys?

WILSON: There is a chance, by removing the eye, get the
primary tumor, and three courses of radiation, that could

STARK: Could? What? Few months? Years?

WILSON: More likely months.

STARK: (to House) Any of your other doctors have any
cheerier diagnoses?

House walks up to the foot of the bed.

HOUSE: If they do, they're wrong. This is the answer. It's the
only way to help you.

STARK: I already can't walk. I can't eat. You're telling me
that the rest of my life is in this bed puking and in pain?

WILSON: We can manage the pain.

STARK: I'd rather just get this over with. I've been trapped
in this useless body long enough. It'd be nice to finally get
out.

House is tempted by the words. Tempted at the thought of
release, but knowing that, for him, there's nothing else.

HOUSE: Get out and go where? You think you're gonna
sprout wings and start flying around with the other angels?
Don't be an idiot. There is no 'after', there's just 'this'.

WILSON: House!

Stark looks stunned. House accepts the chiding, looks
apologetic (for him), walks out.

INT. - ICU
House angrily throws the file on the desk of the nurse's
station and stalks off, moving fast. Wilson follows.

WILSON: (exasperated and angry) You can't let a dying man
take solace in his beliefs.

HOUSE: His beliefs are stupid.

INT. - HALLWAY
The argument continues around the corner and into the
hallway.

WILSON: Everybody lies. Some for good reasons, some for
bad. This would have been a fantastic reason to lie!

HOUSE: (holds out his hand, exasperated) Hi! Greg House.

WILSON: Why can't you just let him have his fairy tale? If it
give him comfort to imagine (stops and turns to House)
beaches and loved ones and life outside a wheelchair

HOUSE: (sarcastically) Are there 72 virgins too?

WILSON: It's over. He's got days, maybe hours left. What
pain does it cause you if he spends that time with a
peaceful smile? What sick pleasure do you get in making
damn sure he's filled with fear and dread?

HOUSE: He shouldn't be making a decision based on a lie.
Misery is better than nothing.

WILSON: You don't KNOW there's nothing. You haven't
been there.

HOUSE: Oh, God, I am TIRED of that argument! I don't have
to go to Detroit to know that it smells.

WILSON: Yes. Detroit. The Afterlife. Same thing.

Aggravated and disgusted, Wilson gives up and stalks off.
House stares off into space after him.

SERIES OF SHOTS
Music is 'Not as We' by Alanis Morissette. (Lyric
transcription courtesy of xguardianangelx)

Reborn and shivering / Spat out on new terrain / Unsure,
unconvincing / This faint and shaky hour // Day one, day
one / Start over again / Step one, step one / I'm barely
making sense / For now I'm faking it / 'Til I'm pseudo-
making it / From scratch begin again / But this time I is I /
And not as we.

A) House and Almore.
House stands in Almore's room, cane over his arm. They
stare at each other, each searching for answers. Finally,
House unslings his cane and walks off.

B) House and the Knife.
House sits in his office, thinking, gathering... something.
Courage? Conviction? Opening and closing the knife he
took from Almore against his forehead, he stares at the
electrical outlet in the corner.

C) Foreman thinking, then stealing patient.
Foreman stares at his his whiteboard, then comes to a
decision. We next see him wheeling his patient's bed down
the hall.

EXT - PPTH - NIGHT
Brief shot of the corner side of PPTH from the air.

INT. - POTW'S ROOM
Thirteen and Amber are working with Stark, who's being
leaned forward on his bed.

AMBER: You're not getting enough oxygen, so we're
inserting a tube directly into your lungs. It should help us
drain some of this excess fluid.

THIRTEEN: (picking up the tube) Should make you a little
more comfortable.

She inserts it and he gasps in pain.

AMBER: Sats are still dropping.

THIRTEEN: The fluid's clear. If this was cancer, there should
be blood. Call House.

AMBER: He just paged me.

They exchange a brief glance, and Amber runs.

INT. - HOUSE'S OFFICE
Amber comes up to the door in time to see a blue flash. She
starts in horror, then sees House on the floor.

AMBER: Dr. House!

She runs over to him, sees the knife in the outlet. Kneeling
down, she checks his pulse, and begins CPR.

INT. - AUDITORIUM - NEXT MORNING
The fellows are seated, discussing what just happened.

COLE: Maybe it was just an accident.

AMBER: It wasn't an accident.

TAUB: Think his nilism got the best of him and he tried to
kill himself?

AMBER: He paged me.

KUTNER: He paged you?

TWIN 15A: Why you?

AMBER: I assume because he

WILSON: Don't assume anything.

Wilson enters in street-casual, flinging his briefcase down
on the table.

WILSON: Don't fall into that trap.

THIRTEEN: Is he ok?

WILSON: (takes a moment to process the question) Burned
his hand pretty good. His heart stopped for nearly a minute.
But your cohort managed to restart it. But he has not
regained consciousness. (Continues with forced cheer) So
(Checks the file) since I have you all here, we should
probably talk about your ACTUAL patient.

Everyone assumes a more clinical posture.

WILSON: Clear fluid from the lungs indicates that it's
probably not cancer, so it would be nice if we could come
up with a new idea.

Wilson stands there, looking faintly lost and out of his
element.

INT. - HOUSE:'S ROOM
Wilson lurks by House's bedside, leaning on the bed tray,
looking worried and concerned. House opens his eyes,
looks around.

WILSON: You're an idiot. You nearly killed yourself.

HOUSE: That was the whole idea.

WILSON: You WANTED to kill yourself?

HOUSE: I wanted to NEARLY kill myself. Is he better?

WILSON: No. But he doesn't have cancer. We think it might
be eosinophilic pneumonia. (Refusing to be distracted from
his rant) Maybe you didn't want to die, but you didn't care
if you lived.

HOUSE: You insisted that I needed to see for myself.

Wilson stands up and comes up to the head of the bed.

HOUSE: (also refusing to be distracted from his original
thought) What, was he discharged?

WILSON: No. He's dying. You've already had two near-death
experiences.

HOUSE: Not that guy. The guy in the car accident. With the
knife. I I need to talk to him.

WILSON: He died almost an hour ago. Apparently, it's bad
to electrocute yourself within days of suffering massive
internal injuries. Why did you need to talk to him? Did you
see something?

HOUSE: Eosinophilic pneumonia

WILSON: House? What did you see?

HOUSE: Nothing. Who's idea was that?

WILSON: Brennan. Nothing-you-don't-want-to-talk-about-it
or nothing

HOUSE: Which one's Brennan? Is he the ridiculously old
guy?

WILSON: House, you gotta talk about this.

Instead, House closes and opens his hand, wincing at the
pain.

HOUSE: If it's aggressive enough, it might have gotten past
the steroids. Start him on cyclophosphamide.

WILSON: I already did. (Frustrated) Just looking at you
hurts. (Takes his chart and scribbles) I'm going to order up
some extra pain meds.

HOUSE: I love you.

Wilson gives a hurt and angry nod, still holding the chart.

INT. - POTW'S ROOM
Jody and Thirteen are by Stark's bedside. His harsh
breathing fills the room.

STARK: How fast will this work?

THIRTEEN: New meds should start helping in minutes. Just
hang in there.

JODY: Vacutainer's full. I need to replace it.

STARK: I don't I don't think it it's working.

THIRTEEN: Try and relax.

STARK: You must you must be wr wrong.

THIRTEEN: Stop talking. (To Jody) Hurry up and get that
chest tube working?

JODY: Ok. I got it.

STARK: Could you get Hoover?

Thirteen goes to where Hoover is lying on the sofa, picks
the dog up, and brings him over to the bed. He lies down
beside Stark, whining his unhappiness.

STARK: I can't Can you put my hand on his head?

Thirteen does so. Hoover licks his lips and whines again.

STARK: (reassuringly) It's ok. Don't worry. I'm not scared.

His breathing gets harsher and harsher, until finally it's
over. Jody looks at the monitor, then at Stark.

JODY: Oh, God.

The whine of the machines is echoed by Hoover. Thirteen
looks at Stark, then rises.

THIRTEEN: Time of death

EXT. - PPTH - TWILIGHT
Shot of PPTH from the back side.

INT. - HOUSE:'S ROOM
Amber comes into the room, for the first time looking very
young and vulnerable.

AMBER: (faux cheerfully) You're looking better. (Solemnly)
Stark's dead.

House rolls his eyes, pulls off the pulse oximeter, begins to
rise.

AMBER: What are you doing?

HOUSE: Going to see our patient.

AMBER: He's dead.

HOUSE: Dead is not a diagnosis.

AMBER: You really shouldn't be

HOUSE: Shut up. And give me my cane.

She goes over and gets it, brings it over.

AMBER: I assume we're all fired.

HOUSE: Should I fire myself, too? I thought it was
strongyloides, then I thought it was cancer. Little help here.

She comes over to the bed, arranges herself under his left
arm.

AMBER: Ready? One, two

On 'three', she lifts him, but is outmassed, and only his
quickly outstretched arm saves them both from falling to
the floor. He looks at her, exasperated, and she looks back
apologetically. They move off slowly across the room.

AMBER: Why'd you call me?

HOUSE: Because if I pooped myself in front of Wilson, I'd
never hear the end of it.

AMBER: But why not one of the others?

HOUSE: You always had that phone in your hand.

AMBER: We all have cell phones. That's not the reason.
What is?

HOUSE: If I died, you'd never get the job. I knew you
wouldn't let that happen.

AMBER: You don't think anybody else has any reason to
care?

Sensing the conversation heading off into dangerous
territory, House takes his arm from around Amber's
shoulders, as she stares in shock.

HOUSE: Think this is starting to come back to me. Right,
left, then repeat.

He moves off under his own power as Amber stares after
him.

HOUSE: Yeah, that works.

INT. - POTW'S ROOM
House comes into the room where Jody and Thirteen are
finishing the tidying up before the body is moved to the
morgue. Both Jody and Thirteen start guiltily as House
comes into the room.

HOUSE: What did we miss?

JODY: If we knew, he wouldnt be dead.

HOUSE: So, that's it? You're just gonna give up?

THIRTEEN: No. We were defeated. It's over.

JODY: Patient presented with syncope. We thought it was
threadworms, gave him ivermectin.

HOUSE: Thank you. Patient seemed better, 'til his blood
turned green.

THIRTEEN: (tightly) Can we at least remove the body before
launching into a purely academic exercise?

HOUSE: The patient didn't respond to antibiotics or
steroids.
Thirteen goes to Hoover, shakes his rib-fur to awaken him.
THIRTEEN: You ok, boy?
HOUSE: What's wrong with the dog?
Jody goes over to Hoover, lifts a foreleg to feel for the
pulse.
JODY: He's dead. There are only a handful of viruses that
can cross between dogs and humans, but they may not be
connected at all. The dog was old. I've seen it before. They
hang on way past their normal life expectancy to take care
of their masters.
HOUSE: (to Thirteen) Did you watch him take the pills? (She
looks at him blankly) The ivermectin. Did you watch the
patient put them in his mouth and swallow them?
THIRTEEN: I don't know. I think so.
HOUSE: What kind of dog is that?
JODY: English Shepherd.
House begins to move the tables about, looking for
something.
HOUSE: It's in the Collie family, isn't it?
JODY: Not really.
HOUSE: They share the MDR-1 gene.
JODY: Yeah.
HOUSE: What happens when you give a dog with the MDR-
1 gene ivermectin?
JODY: They don't. I mean, it's used to treat heartworms in
most dogs, but it'd be fatal if the
They all clump around as House uncovers the chewed pill
cup. Thirteen picks it up. She looks horrified, as she realizes
the enormity of what she's caused.
HOUSE: Look familiar? I think the last time you saw it, it
didn't have that dead dog's teethmarks on it.
THIRTEEN: I just put it on the bed tray to get him some
water.
HOUSE: (harshly) When I asked you if you watched the
patient swallow the pills, the right answer was 'no'. (Stares
implacably into her eyes) Take his body down to the
morgue.
He walks out, leaving her to her guilt.

INT. - HOUSE'S ROOM
House sits on the bed, tying his sneakers when Cuddy
comes in, near tears.
CUDDY: If you hadn't treated this patient as a game, he
wouldn't be dead.
HOUSE: Feeling much better, thank you.
CUDDY: I'm supposed to show you sympathy? He died...
while his attending was lying on a hospital bed because he
stuck a knife in a wall socket.
HOUSE: He died because a doctor made a mistake. He was
an idiot.
CUDDY: You employed her. You're responsible.
She turns abruptly and leaves. House considers.

EXT. - PPTH - NIGHT
Outside shot of the back of PPTH in solid darkness.

INT. - MERCY NURSE'S DESK
Schaffer waits for Foreman at the nurse's station.
SCHAFFER: Dr. Foreman.
He turns and walks over to her.

SCHAFFER: How's she doing?
FOREMAN: Fever's gone. AST and ALT are back within
normal range. She should be out of here in a few days.
SCHAFFER: Gutsy call.
FOREMAN: Thanks.
SCHAFFER: It wasn't a compliment. If you were wrong,
she'd be dead.
FOREMAN: I was sure
SCHAFFER: No, you weren't. You couldn't be. There's a
reason we have rules. If every doctor did whatever his 'gut'
said was right, we'd have a lot more dead bodies to deal
with.

FOREMAN: It won't happen again.

SCHAFFER: Yes, it will. Because you confused saving her life
with doing the right thing. (Shakes her head) I'm sorry, Dr.
Foreman, you're fired.

She walks away, leaving him standing there, surprised. He
sighs and considers.

INT. - PPTH MORGUE
Thirteen is sitting vigil by Stark's body as House comes in.
The sound of the door opening and closing echoes in the
quiet as he stands there, watching her.

THIRTEEN: (quietly) As soon as the pathologist cut into the
lungs, we saw the threadworms.
HOUSE: You think it's fair that I fired all the other members
of your team when you guys actually came up with the right
diagnosis?
He starts walking towards her, stopping halfway between
the door and her. She still doesn't look at him, continuing to
stare fixedly at Stark's body.
THIRTEEN: I keep replaying it in my mind. Did I drop the pills
when I put them on the bed tray? Did I knock them over
when I turned to leave?
HOUSE: You know he'd be alive.
He walks the rest of the way over to her.
HOUSE: His dog'd be alive.
THIRTEEN: I know.
Not yet achieving his goal of catching her eyes, he walks
past her.
HOUSE: You forced us to act on a false assumption.
THIRTEEN: I know.
HOUSE: Everything we built from that step on. Every test.
Every theory. Every treatment.
THIRTEEN: (hotly, finally meeting his eyes) I know! Forget
the lecture and fire me already!
HOUSE: If I was going to fire you, I wouldn't be giving you
the lecture. I know you're not going to let anything like this
ever happen again. (Pause) I'll see you tomorrow.
Thirteen finally gets up from her chair and leaves. House
waits until Thirteen is gone, then addresses Stark.
HOUSE: And I'm sorry to say I told you so.
He flings the sheet over Stark's face.
FADE OUT

404 - Guardian Angels
[Funeral Home. Night. In a darkened room, twenty-four-
year-old Ukranian-American Irene Walesa talks to someone
as she cuts someone's hair. She has a Russian accent.
Camera stays on her and on the person's head.]

IRENE WALESA: [cheerfully] There were some nice guys
there, but they're all so quiet. Awkward smiles and sweaty
palms. I'm not expecting Brad Pitt to walk into St. Theresa's.
Just... someone who makes me laugh. Has a nice smile.

[She tousles the person's hair.]

IRENE WALESA: Full head of hair. You know, someone like
you, Mr. Franklin.

[Camera focuses on them. Mr. Franklin is a corpse (with a
great haircut) on the table. She looks at her work.]

IRENE WALESA: [sadly] Shame they're going to cremate
you.

[She looks at the other body in the room, which she's not
yet gone to work on. She collects her equipment and walks
over to the pantry, which has a big mirror in front of it. She
pours herself a cup of coffee.]

[MYSTERY PERSON POV: Someone moves towards her.]

[She finishes pouring and looks up. She gets a start, seeing a
menacing looking man in the mirror, standing behind her.
She drops her cup, which smashes on the floor. Almost
petrified with fear, she turns around to face him.]

IRENE WALESA: [struggling to stay calm] Can I help you?

[The man's wearing an open jacket, exposing his vest. A
lady's face is tattooed on in neck.]

IRENE WALESA: [calling out] Martin!

[Shot of Mr. Franklin's body on the table. The man advances
threateningly and looks at her lasciviously. Whimpering, she
steps back.]

IRENE WALESA: Martin!

[She grabs a pair of surgical scissors to defend herself.]

IRENE WALESA: [to the man] My purse is right there. Go
ahead. Take whatever you want.

[The man has no interest in the purse. In one swift motion,
he grabs her by the back of her neck and yanks away the
scissors, as she cries out in terror. His arm around her
throat, he starts to snip of her shirt buttons with the
scissors. Panicked, she elbows him low and gets free of his
clutches, only to run into... Mr. Franklin - who seems very
much alive and very sinister-looking. She whirls around to
see the first attacker and gets an even bigger shock to see a
gaping hole in the back of his head, in the mirror. She turns
around, terrified, to Mr. Franklin, who only glowers at her.
She looks and sees his table empty, with the sheet on the
floor. She cries out. She turns again, and the first attacker
grabs her throat and starts to throttle her. He forces her to
the floor and continues to press his hand against her throat,
as she weakly tries to scream. Her vision gets blurry...]

[We see that Mr. Franklin is still on the table, quite dead.
Her colleague, Martin, enters.]

MARTIN: Irene? You call me?

[He looks at both bodies on their tables, but still doesn't see
Irene.]

MARTIN: Irene?

[He looks over to the pantry and sees Irene, writhing on the
floor, having a seizure.]

MARTIN: Irene!

[He runs over to her. Her seizure continues, as we...]

[Princeton Plainsboro Teaching Hospital Auditorium. Day.
Six of the five surviving fellows are assembled inside. Dr.
Jeffrey Cole and Dr. Travis Brennan stand at a table, playing
a game with coins. Dr. Lawrence Kutner sits on a chair,
playing with a couple of rubberbands. Dr. Chris Taub reads
the paper. Dr. Amber Volakis and Dr... "Thirteen" sit idly at
their seats. Amber turns around to speak to "Thirteen".]

AMBER VOLAKIS: [feigning concern, softly] How're you
doing?

"THIRTEEN": I'm fine.

AMBER VOLAKIS: [whispering] FYI, if you ask me, it's more
the guys' fault than yours. And House isn't blameless either.
If he hadn't pitted us all against each other...

"THIRTEEN": [interjecting] It was my fault. My mistake.

[Amber looks at her and turns in front. The phone starts to
ring. The fellows look at it.]

CHRIS TAUB: [pointing at the phone] Was that always
there?

[Brennan shrugs and answers it.]

TRAVIS BRENNAN: [into phone] Hello. [listens] Sure.

[He puts on the speakerphone.]

TRAVIS BRENNAN: [whispering to the rest] It's House.

GREG HOUSE: [from phone] Gooood morning, Angels.

["Thirteen" smiles.]

GREG HOUSE: [from phone] As you will see from the file,
we have quite the interesting case. Not often do you get a
patient who sees dead people.

[The fellows exchange confused glances.]

LAWRENCE KUTNER: Uhh, what file?

[House's Office. Day. Dr. Gregory House sits at his desk,
tossing his little red fuzzball in the air and catching it. He
stops his game, on hearing about the missing file.]

GREG HOUSE: What the hell? I gave it to Bosley a half hour
ago.

[Dr. Allison Cameron enters, carrying a cold coffee, in a
clear plastic cup.]

ALLISON CAMERON: It was not a half hour. It was ten
minutes. And he made copies of the ER records first.

[She holds the coffee out to him.]

GREG HOUSE: Less lip, more whip. I only agreed to take this
case because you said that this Mocha Frappalicious would
have whip on it.

[She withdraws her hand.]

ALLISON CAMERON: Fine. I'll refer the case to Foreman.

[She goes to put the straw into her mouth.]

GREG HOUSE: [shakes his head] Can't. Mercy fired him.

[Cameron arches forward in surprise. House motions for
the cup]

GREG HOUSE: Gimme.

ALLISON CAMERON: He got fired?

GREG HOUSE: Disobeyed a superior officer under fire. He's
lucky he wasn't executed.

[He takes the Mocha Frappalicious from her.]

ALLISON CAMERON: How do you know about it? You
keeping tabs on him?

GREG HOUSE: Girls talk.

[He calls the Auditorium phone to speak to the fellows. He
keeps it on speakerphone.]

GREG HOUSE: When Bosley drags his ancient ass in there...


[In the Auditorium, "Dr." Henry Dobson enters, carrying a
file.]

HENRY DOBSON: I'm here. Twenty-four-year-old funeral
cosmetician suffered a grand mal seizure at work.

[He starts to hand out the copies to the others.]

CHRIS TAUB: [whispers to Kutner] Why does he get to be
Bosley?

LAWRENCE KUTNER: [whispers to Taub] You wanna be
Bosley? Bosley's like the asexual messenger boy.

HENRY DOBSON: She had a vision of being raped by a
cadaver before passing out. Seizure rules out psychiatric
illness. No history of epilepsy, head trauma, or drug use.

CHRIS TAUB: [whispers to Kutner] Bosley keeps his job
while they replace five Angels over three seasons.

AMBER VOLAKIS: Could be a tumor to the temporal lobe.

CHRIS TAUB: Not with a normal CT scan.

AMBER VOLAKIS: You mean it appeared normal to the doc
in the ER.

GREG HOUSE: Way to get right back on that horse,
"Thirteen".

"THIRTEEN": No, that was Amber.

GREG HOUSE: [from phone] Nice try, Cutthroat Bitch. That
was the worst "Thirteen" imitation I've ever heard.

["Thirteen" smiles, while Amber frowns.]

CHRIS TAUB: Funeral home prep rooms are filled with toxic
chemicals.

TRAVIS BRENNAN: And cadavers. Everybody in that place
obviously died from something.

CHRIS TAUB: [suddenly] I have a question. Is he the one
who's not a doctor?

[He points to Dobson (as if House could see who he's
pointing to).]

HENRY DOBSON: [ignores him] Bullets aren't contagious.
But infections, parasites...

CHRIS TAUB: [interrupts] You said one of us wasn't a doctor,
and you called him a fraud.

GREG HOUSE: [from phone] He's not a doctor. Continue,
Boz.

[Taub rolls his head.]

HENRY DOBSON: Could be an STD...

CHRIS TAUB: [interrupts again] Why isn't he fired?

[House starts to punch the buttons on the phone.]

GREG HOUSE: [raspy voice] Oh, you're breaking up. I'm
going into a tunnel.

[The sounds of telephone buttons being pressed is heard in
the Auditorium.]

GREG HOUSE: Dark religious nut.

[Cameron looks at House in disapproval, though not really
surprised at the jibe.]

[In the Auditorium, Cole obviously doesn't appreciate the
jibe.]

JEFFREY COLE: What did you call me?

GREG HOUSE: [from phone] I'm sorry. What do you people
want to be called this week?

JEFFREY COLE: Cole.

GREG HOUSE: [furrows his brow] I'm never gonna
remember that. Take Bosley and the other visible minority
to the funeral home.

[Kutner reacts to the "other visible minority" phrase.]

GREG HOUSE: The rest of you young white people, the
world is your oyster. Get an MRI with contrast, EEG, LP, and
blood panel. And, Angels, be careful.

[He hangs up.]

[The "Angels" get to work.]


[In House's office, Cameron chides House.]

ALLISON CAMERON: Just because he's religious doesn't
mean he won't kick your ass.

GREG HOUSE: You wanna bet?

ALLISON CAMERON: No, I want you to stop being such a
jerk to him.

[House pulls out a Benjamin, which was hidden in his desk,
and flaps its ends outwards in front of Cameron.]

GREG HOUSE: [teasingly] One hundred dollars.

[Cameron smiles at him, accepting the bet.]

GREG HOUSE: Smart call. [pockets the money] Guy's a wuss.
He's gonna be the next one on the train.

ALLISON CAMERON: Define "kick your ass."

GREG HOUSE: Any physical confrontation...

ALLISON CAMERON: Or verbal?

GREG HOUSE: Define verbal.

ALLISON CAMERON: Anything over...seventy decibels. And
you can't start suddenly being nice to him.

GREG HOUSE: You realize what you're encouraging here.

ALLISON CAMERON: [grinning ear-to-ear] Yeah, someone
kickin' your ass.

[She leaves.]

[Aerial View of PPTH. Evening.]

[MRI Room. Day. Irene lies on the MRI table. Taub and
Amber help strap her in. Her mother, Connie (old woman in
her sixties), stands near Taub, comforting her.]

IRENE WALESA: [looking inside the MRI] The space inside is
smaller than I thought.

CONNIE WALESA: Don't worry, Reena. The doctors are
going to take good care of you, right?

CHRIS TAUB: Once the valium kicks in, you'll feel better.

CONNIE WALESA: And then we'll have some nice, warm
milk when you're done.

IRENE WALESA: I'd rather have more valium.

CONNIE WALESA: [amused] Reena.

CHRIS TAUB: Let's wait just a bit, see how it goes.

AMBER VOLAKIS: Try to lie as still as possible.

[Amber presses a button on the MRI. As Irene is slowly
moved inside the MRI, Taub and Amber walk towards the
adjoining room. Connie moves aside.]

CHRIS TAUB: [complaining] I guess Father Time's a lock for
one of the spots.

AMBER VOLAKIS: "Thirteen"'s a lock.

CHRIS TAUB: He doesn't have a medical license and he's still
around.

AMBER VOLAKIS: She killed a guy in a wheelchair. And his
dog.

[They enter the adjoining room and sit in front of the
monitors.]

CHRIS TAUB: He doesn't care about our qualifications or
ideas. He just wants to have fun.

AMBER VOLAKIS: And she's the ultimate fun 'cause he can't
figure her out.

CHRIS TAUB: This game is insane.

AMBER VOLAKIS: So quit. Happy to lose the competition.

CHRIS TAUB: [sighs] If it's gonna be on your rsum, it's
gotta be better to quit than get fired.

AMBER VOLAKIS: Either quit or shut up.

[He looks at her.]

CHRIS TAUB: Actually, with House, getting fired might look
better.

[Dr. Pilcher's Office. Day. Dr. Eric Foreman sits opposite Dr.
Pilcher, who interviews him for a job.]

DR. PILCHER: [going through Foreman's rsum] Dr. House
is a dangerous egomaniac.

ERIC FOREMAN: [smiles in agreement] That's why I left. We
had different ideas on how to practise.

DR. PILCHER: Glad to hear it. Tell me about Mercy.

ERIC FOREMAN: To be honest, I don't think Dr. Schaffer
really gave me a chance.

DR. PILCHER: Obviously not. You were there for three
weeks. What happened?

ERIC FOREMAN: [sighs uneasily] Saved a patient's life.

DR. PILCHER: That's usually not grounds for dismissal.

ERIC FOREMAN: [unsure] Have you spoken to her?

DR. PILCHER: Yes.

ERIC FOREMAN: Then why are you asking me what
happened?

DR. PILCHER: You have an excellent rsum. I felt I owed it
to you to hear what you had to say.

ERIC FOREMAN: [quietly] What'd she tell you?

DR. PILCHER: That you defied her instructions and hospital
procedures.

ERIC FOREMAN: That's what happened. Nothing more I can
add to that.

DR. PILCHER: You could tell me that you were wrong.

[Foreman stays silent.]

DR. PILCHER: [putting Foreman's rsum aside] Sounds like
you didn't leave House quite soon enough.

[Foreman sits quietly, knowing he's just been rejected.]

[Aerial View of PPTH. Evening.]

[House's Office. Evening. House stands, looking outside the
window, while Jeffrey Cole speaks over the speakerphone.]

JEFFREY COLE: [over phone] Cadavers were clean. So is her
food. It's all organic unprocessed crap. It's gotta be the
embalming fluid.

[Hospital Auditorium. Evening. Cole sits on the same table
as the phone, giving his report to House. The other fellows
sit in their seats.]

JEFFREY COLE: Ethanol can have psychoactive effects...

GREG HOUSE: [from phone, loudly] Bosley! Tell whoever's
talking he's an idiot.

[Dobson stands as House calls his nickname. Cole just sits
miffed. Dobson just hovers above his seat, unsure how to
proceed.]

[House, not hearing someone being called an idiot, turns to
the phone.]

GREG HOUSE: Bosley. Either tell him he's an idiot, or tell me
why I'm wrong.

HENRY DOBSON: [apologetically, to Cole] You're an idiot.

[He sits.]

GREG HOUSE: [from phone] You actually think that I'd take
a patient who had a seizure in a funeral home if the ER
hadn't already ruled out embalming fluid?

JEFFREY COLE: I thought we weren't supposed to trust...

GREG HOUSE: [from phone, snaps] Idiot! From the old
french, [constipated French accent] "idiote", meaning
effeminate, mentally deficient moor.

HENRY DOBSON: I found something in the mortuary's files
from '05. A forty-eight-year-old male's cause of death was
listed as pneumonia, but the symptoms in the autopsy
report didn't fit. Uh, confusion, memory loss, depression.

GREG HOUSE: Mad cow. Very cool.

JEFFREY COLE: No, she's a vegetarian and only ate organic
vegetables at that.

GREG HOUSE: Tell him he's an idiot again.

[Cole purses his lips.]

HENRY DOBSON: [to Cole] The disease can be spread by
brain tissue.

GREG HOUSE: Which is very cool. Run with it.

TRAVIS BRENNAN: [amused] So because the answer might
be "cool", you want us to do a brain biopsy on a twenty-
four-year-old woman?

GREG HOUSE: No, because the answer is something cool, I
want you to do a brain biopsy on a forty-eight-year-old
dead guy.

[Astonished looks from the fellows.]

AMBER VOLAKIS: [wide-eyed] The guy's already been
buried.

LAWRENCE KUTNER: [excited] We dig him up.

[Amber looks at him, non-plussed.]

CHRIS TAUB: I am not digging up a body without a court
order.

GREG HOUSE: Don't think of it as digging up a body. Think
of it as keeping another one from being buried.

[A silent beat, while the fellows consider it.]

JEFFREY COLE: I can't do it.

[House picks up the whole phone and speaks directly into
the mouthpiece.]

GREG HOUSE: We gonna have another one of those
ecumenical discussions where I tell you that your beliefs are
ridiculous and you totally cave?

JEFFREY COLE: I just gotta be home at six.

GREG HOUSE: The Sabbath. The Lord works for six days,
then tells the Union he needs a rest. You know, if I was all-
powerful, I'd take at least two days.

"THIRTEEN": It's Thursday.

GREG HOUSE: Well, then it must be the kid.

[Cole rolls his head. The other fellows look at him,
intrigued.]

GREG HOUSE: You have oatmeal on your pants.

[Cole looks at his pants and looks around. Kutner looks up.]

LAWRENCE KUTNER: Do you have a camera in here?

GREG HOUSE: No. I was guessing. He had oatmeal on his
pants yesterday and the day before. Have one of your wives
look after the spawn.

JEFFREY COLE: I'm a single dad.

[This is obviously news to his colleagues.]

CHRIS TAUB: Where's the single mom?

JEFFREY COLE: I have no idea.

[He gets off the table and walks out.]

GREG HOUSE: Interesting. You claim a lapse of judgment, or
you gonna admit that a lapse in judgment is a lapse in faith?

TRAVIS BRENNAN: He's gone.

GREG HOUSE: Fair enough. Family comes first.

[He hangs up.]

[Hospital Lobby. Day. Dr. Lisa Cuddy stands at a Nurse's
station, signing some papers. Amber walks up from the
Clinic.]

AMBER VOLAKIS: Dr. Cuddy, I'm Amber Volakis, one of Dr.
House's new fellows.

[Cuddy looks at her and recites a speech, she no doubt
prepared specially for these fellows.]

LISA CUDDY: Sexual harassment claims go through HR.
Stress-related leaves through worker's comp, and any
accusations of criminal activities go directly to the
Princeton Plainsboro Police Department.

[She starts to walk off.]

AMBER VOLAKIS: Actually, I was wondering if you needed
any extra help in the clinic tonight.

LISA CUDDY: [laughing] You're not going to score any points
with House by kissing my ass.

[She starts to walk again.]

AMBER VOLAKIS: Understood. But I hear Dr. House hates
clinic duty. If he were to hear through the grapevine that I
was willing to work overtime, take some of it off his hands...

LISA CUDDY: My advice to you is to do whatever House
wants you to do tonight. And then tomorrow night, you can
come back and I will give you extra clinic duty.

[She turns around, trying to escape, but turns in frustration
as Amber speaks again.]

AMBER VOLAKIS: Does everybody around here have trust
issues?

LISA CUDDY: I don't know what House wants you to do, and
I don't want to know. But if you really have a problem with
it, quit now. It's only gonna get worse.

[Cuddy leaves. Thwarted, Amber leaves.]

[Cemetery. Night. The fellows (minus Amber) are in the
middle of a very literal "graveyard shift" as part of the
weekly House-ordered B&E. They've dug up almost all the
dirt. Kutner (with pickaxe) and Brennan (with shovel) are
currently digging, while the others shine their flashlights on
them.]

TRAVIS BRENNAN: All right, who's up?

CHRIS TAUB: Not me.

["Thirteen" (her face dirty from having dug previously)
looks at him angrily.]

"THIRTEEN": You haven't done any digging yet.

CHRIS TAUB: I'm a surgeon.If anything happens to these
hands, I'm screwed. Let Bosley do it. As long as he can keep
folding laundry, his career won't...

HENRY DOBSON: [urgently] Shh, shh, shh. Someone's
coming.

[A moment of suspense as the fellows stop what they're
doing and look around in fear.]

CHRIS TAUB: [whispering] Shouldn't we be running?

LAWRENCE KUTNER: [whispering] If it's a cop, run. Security
guard, I say we take him down.

[A shadowy figure walks purposefully towards them. The
suspense evaporates when they see it's only Amber,
carrying a pink box and to-go coffees.]

AMBER VOLAKIS: [smiling] Sorry I'm late.

CHRIS TAUB: Where the hell have you been?

AMBER VOLAKIS: Oh, I got lost.

LAWRENCE KUTNER: [resuming digging] Been here over
three hours.

AMBER VOLAKIS: Really lost. I brought coffee and donuts.

[Taub grabs a donut, while "Thirteen" goes for a coffee.]

AMBER VOLAKIS: So "Thirteen", you grow up around here?

["Thirteen" frowns in mid-sip.]

"THIRTEEN": We're digging up a grave, and you want to
chit-chat?

AMBER VOLAKIS: I'm just making conversation. It's what
people do. Why are you hiding everything? And I'm asking
you that question because you're hiding everything. There's
something seriously wrong with you. I'm worried.

"THIRTEEN": [smiles] No, you're not.

AMBER VOLAKIS: Fine, but I am freaked, because I don't
think you're a freak. I think you're doing this on purpose
because you know House will be intrigued.

["Thirteen" stays quiet for a second and then nods.]

"THIRTEEN": Yeah, I grew up around here.

[She moves away to escape further interrogation. Lightning
briefly illuminates the cemetery, accompanied by thunder.
A loud CLANK is heard inside the open grave.]

LAWRENCE KUTNER: [looks up, dramatically] Honey, I'm
home.

[He shifts some dirt around to expose the coffin.]

TRAVIS BRENNAN: Get the crowbar.

LAWRENCE KUTNER: No, there's not enough room to
maneuver a crowbar down here.

[He brings his pickaxe down hard on the coffin. The others
react in pious shock.]

TRAVIS BRENNAN: Oh, God help us.

[Kutner manages to break a hole in the coffin. Amber
covers her nose and leans forward to peer inside. Kutner
looks through the small hole he made and frowns.]

LAWRENCE KUTNER: What the hell?

AMBER VOLAKIS: [nervous] What is it?

LAWRENCE KUTNER: [testily] Ankles. They buried the guy
the wrong way around.

[He breaks open another hole on the other side of the
coffin.]

[Aerial View of PPTH. Day.]

[Hospital Cafeteria. Day. House eats a hearty breakfast of
bacon and scrambled eggs. Cuddy walks up to him.]

LISA CUDDY: The doctor's lounge is covered in mud.

GREG HOUSE: Thirteen and Cutthroat Bitch had a
disagreement, and the cafeteria was out of jell-o.

[He gives her a "what-else-could-we-do?" look.]

LISA CUDDY: There were pickaxes. Either you had them dig
up a body, or you're building a railroad.

GREG HOUSE: A little tiny piece of his brain. Seemed a
waste. He wasn't using it anymore.

LISA CUDDY: That's your defense? "We just dismembered
him"?

GREG HOUSE: They're looking for Creutzfeldt-Jakob.

[Cuddy loses all interest in the doctor's lounge mess, now
that Mad Cow has entered the picture. She sits in front of
House.]

LISA CUDDY: [really intrigued] You get the results yet?

GREG HOUSE: Does my breath smell bated to you?

LISA CUDDY: Yes. Let me know when you hear anything.
[stands] And get that mess in the shower area cleaned up.

GREG HOUSE: I know just the guy.

LISA CUDDY: How many of them agreed to dig up a grave?

GREG HOUSE: Six.

[Cuddy rolls her head.]

GREG HOUSE: But don't worry, the one who didn't didn't
stand on principle. He just had a diaper to change. I really
think there are no bad choices in this group.

[He resumes eating. Cuddy thinks better than to argue or
admonish and walks off.]

[Hospital Laboratory. Day. The fellows run tests. House
enters carrying a mop.]

GREG HOUSE: You guys don't wipe your feet when you
come in the house?

[He thumps the mop handle on the floor, right in front of
Taub.]

GREG HOUSE: Doctor's lounge. Let's go.

CHRIS TAUB: Why me?

GREG HOUSE: Well, I can't ask the black guy or one of the
chicks to do it. That would be insensitive.

CHRIS TAUB: And you can't ask Bosley because that'd look
like you only hired the non-doctor to do non-doctor stuff.

GREG HOUSE: You keep stalling, you're still gonna clean up,
but I won't let you have the mop.

[Taub concedes and takes the mop. He starts to walk out,
but stops as Brennan speaks.]

TRAVIS BRENNAN: Sample came back negative for
Creutzfeldt-Jakob.

[The others look disappointed.]

GREG HOUSE: Well, that discussion didn't last long.

TRAVIS BRENNAN: I just don't know what else there is. We
had an idea. It was wrong.

GREG HOUSE: Well, we can go home. I mean, we have no
idea what's wrong with her. Which means it could be
completely benign. Or, on the off chance that it's _killing_
her, we could take it again from the top.

[He limps outside.]

[Irene's Room. Day. Irene lies in her bed, while Cole, Amber
and "Thirteen" attend to her. Connie sits across the room
on a chair.]

IRENE WALESA: You've already done everything.

JEFFREY COLE: We may have missed something.

IRENE WALESA: I just want to go home. I'm sure I'm fine
now.

CONNIE WALESA: Reena, the doctors know best.

"THIRTEEN": You had some serious symptoms. The
seizures...

IRENE WALESA: If I have another one, I'll come right back,
okay?

CONNIE WALESA: If you have it while you're driving...

IRENE WALESA: You can drive me. Make sure I take it easy.

[Cole and "Thirteen" exchange confused glances.]

"THIRTEEN": Who can?

IRENE WALESA: [looking towards Connie] My mother.

JEFFREY COLE: Your mother's here?

IRENE WALESA: What are you talking about? She's right
there.

[She points to where Connie sits. The fellows look at the
seat and see... no one! They look at each other in surprise.]

[Hospital Auditorium. Day. The fellow are seated around
the speakerphone, listening to House berating them.]

GREG HOUSE: [from phone] You sampled every bodily fluid,
peeked in her brain, violated a cadaver's privacy, dug up a
body...

[House enters through the back entrance of the auditorium,
speaking to them on his cell phone. They turn on seeing
him.]

GREG HOUSE: ... but missed the fact she was still seeing
things that weren't there.

[He hangs up and limps towards them.]

Neurological symptoms are getting worse.

GREG HOUSE: Be nice if one of you Angels-slash-morons
had a clue why.

CHRIS TAUB: We did a full history. She never mentioned
seeing or hearing anything unusual.

GREG HOUSE: [sarcastic] Oh, well, as long as she never said
anything. How were you to know? Same thing with the
spinal fluid? She tell you that was fine?

TRAVIS BRENNAN: [checking a file] The labs were all clear.

GREG HOUSE: Then either we're about to meet the Alpha
and Omega, or you missed something.

HENRY DOBSON: [after a beat] We missed the new
symptom.

LAWRENCE KUTNER: It's not a new symptom. We always
knew she had hallucinations.

HENRY DOBSON: Seeing her dead mother's a hallucination.
Not knowing she's dead is a delusion.

GREG HOUSE: [impressed] You keep this up, you're gonna
have to start wearing sexier clothes.

CHRIS TAUB: Uh, carbon monoxide could also cause
delusions. A lot of haunted houses report...

HENRY DOBSON: There's no headache. No tachycardia. [to
Taub] I guess they didn't cover that at your medical school.

[Taub gives him a petty smile.]

"THIRTEEN": What about a hereditary connection? She's
twenty-four. Her mother died when she was twenty-five.

LAWRENCE KUTNER: In Ukraine, twenty years ago. Good
luck trying to get those records.

GREG HOUSE: We start new records. Test for every
hereditary disease that fits the symptoms.

CHRIS TAUB: There are at least forty different mitochondrial
disorders, another couple hundred...

GREG HOUSE: Start with amyloidosis, keep going until you
reach... zamyloidosis.

[They get up and prepare to go.]

[Irene's Room. Day. "Thirteen" and Amber run tests on
Irene.]

IRENE WALESA: Now what are you testing for? Or should I
ask what you're not testing for?

AMBER VOLAKIS: Well, we could narrow it down if you
could remember what your mother died from.

IRENE WALESA: [snapping] My mother is not dead. She's
sitting right there. [points to the seat, where Connie sits (or
so she thinks)]

AMBER VOLAKIS: Do you think we're lying to you?

"THIRTEEN": [softly] Leave it alone.

[Amber looks at "Thirteen" and walks over to her.]

"THIRTEEN": Convincing her that her mother's dead isn't
gonna make her better, just miserable.

AMBER VOLAKIS: You lose your mother?

["Thirteen" looks at her in surprise and looks down again,
evasively.]

AMBER VOLAKIS: Do you think we're trying to trick you?
Why would we do that?

IRENE WALESA: Because you're mean. And you're not good
at your job.

CONNIE WALESA: Reena, stop. You're being cruel.

IRENE WALESA: They're wasting time. Doing exactly what
the guy in the wheelchair said they'd do.

["Thirteen" looks shocked. Amber looks at Irene.]

"THIRTEEN": [coming forward] A guy in a wheelchair was
here?

IRENE WALESA: You know who I'm talking about. He's been
hanging around ever since they brought me in. Complaining
about how incompetent everyone is. Said you killed his dog.

["Thirteen", still shaken, goes back to where she was and
resumes testing. Irene seems to smile at Amber.]

[Restaurant. Day. Cuddy and Foreman have lunch, the
former offering the latter his job back.]

LISA CUDDY: It doesn't make any sense.

ERIC FOREMAN: I'm not interested.

LISA CUDDY: If you weren't interested, you wouldn't be
here.

ERIC FOREMAN: I thought it was social.

LISA CUDDY: No, you didn't. You always think there's an
agenda.

ERIC FOREMAN: That's why I left.

LISA CUDDY: That's why you're good. You need a job.

ERIC FOREMAN: I'll find a job.

LISA CUDDY: And I need someone that understands House.

ERIC FOREMAN: They'll learn.

LISA CUDDY: I need someone that can control House.

ERIC FOREMAN: [snorts] Heh! Keep looking. Might take a
while.

[He stands and puts on his coat.]

LISA CUDDY: I'll cut the salary of everyone else on the team
fifteen percent, give it to you. That's more than you'll get
anywhere else.

[Foreman sits, a bit interested.]

ERIC FOREMAN: What does House say about this?

LISA CUDDY: You're the one person on the team that he
always respected.

ERIC FOREMAN: [chuckles] This restaurant is twenty
minutes out of your way. Half an hour out of mine. You
picked it to make sure House didn't drop in on us.

LISA CUDDY: It's my decision, not his.

ERIC FOREMAN: And you tell him that, then run back to
your office while I get to deal with him. I left for a reason.
That reason hasn't changed.

[He stands and leaves. Cuddy watches him go, looking
pensive.]

[House's Office. Day. House plays "Surgeon" at his desk,
slowly lifting up the "patient"'s left lung with the plastic
surgical scissors. He drops it and puts on a "whoops" look.
Slowly, he moves the left lung to the side. His fellows stand
in front of his desk.]

GREG HOUSE: So... what's the news?

TRAVIS BRENNAN: Everything's negative so far.

GREG HOUSE: Yes. Why wait to finish before reporting to
me? I have things to do, you know.

AMBER VOLAKIS: She's seeing someone else.

GREG HOUSE: That's not news. That's "olds".

[Unable to pick up the guy's plastic liver, he curses.]

GREG HOUSE: Dammit. Why did God design the human
body this way?

AMBER VOLAKIS: A guy in a wheelchair.

GREG HOUSE: In a hospital. It's enough to give you the
heebie-jeebies.

AMBER VOLAKIS: He had a dog. She's seeing Stark. Our last
patient.

[House puts the plastic scissors aside and leans back in his
chair.]

GREG HOUSE: Well, if it's Stark, he wouldn't be haunting a
patient, he'd be haunting the doctor who killed him.

"THIRTEEN": She probably just overheard someone talking
about it or...

GREG HOUSE: [interjects loudly] Probably? You think
there's a possibility that the alternative is true?

"THIRTEEN": No.

GREG HOUSE: Then go away.

TRAVIS BRENNAN: We're wasting time. We ran thirty two
gels. We could run a hundred more. Without knowing how
her mother died...

GREG HOUSE: You're gonna have to run a hundred more.
And by you, of course, I'm only referring to the people who
care enough about human life to put in a full day. [to Cole]
You wanna carpool?

JEFFREY COLE: H-how do you expect me to respond to this
stuff?

GREG HOUSE: Exactly like you just did. I have a theory.
Maybe you can help me out. Black Mormon means
masochist. Means kinky.

[He comes close to Cole. Kutner accommodatingly makes
way for House, smiling.]

GREG HOUSE: I'm thinking that someone got hurt making
the bastard. Am I right?

JEFFREY COLE: You leave my son out of this.

GREG HOUSE: I wasn't referring to your kid's hypocrisy. I
was referring to yours.

[Cole seems about ready to react, but Dobson jumps in.]

HENRY DOBSON: Why don't we just ask her how she died,
hmm?

AMBER VOLAKIS: Because she won't tell us. She thinks her
mother's still alive.

HENRY DOBSON: I don't mean ask the patient, I mean ask
her mother.

GREG HOUSE: [thinks about it a second, likes it] Cool.

[He walks past a bewildered Taub. He calls for "Thirteen" to
follow.]

GREG HOUSE: [to "Thirteen"] Come on.

[With a confused look to the others, she follows him out.]

CHRIS TAUB: [to Dobson] What the hell does that mean?
You guys talking your own language now?

HENRY DOBSON: I'm sorry. I'll try to include some visual
aids next time.

[He leaves.]

[Irene's Room. Day. House and "Thirteen" enter.]

IRENE WALESA: Now what?

[House and "Thirteen" stand in front of her bed.]

GREG HOUSE: I'm Dr. House. 'S your mom around?

IRENE WALESA: Why should I tell you? You're just going to
tell me I'm lying or crazy.

[Connie sits on the armrest of a sofa nearby.]

GREG HOUSE: Not gonna do that. I really need to know
what she has to say.

IRENE WALESA: What do you want?

GREG HOUSE: When you were young, was she...?

IRENE WALESA: No, not you. Him. [points to someone
behind him]

[House and "Thirteen" look at her in surprise.]

"THIRTEEN": [warily] The man in the wheelchair?

IRENE WALESA: No. He's old.

[House moves away and we see an older sour-faced
gentleman in a suit standing there.]

IRENE WALESA: Actually, looks like you.

["Thirteen" almost looks scared. Connie smiles at the
gentleman. House walks towards the man and turns.]

GREG HOUSE: Yeah, that's Grandpa House. Tell him to call
back on a land line. Terrible reception in here. How much
pain was your mom in?

OLD GENTLEMAN: It's Walter.

IRENE WALESA: He says his name is Walter.

[House's face shows a mixture of shock and disbelief.
"Thirteen" looks at him. House walks out.]

[Wilson's Office. Day. House enters the room. Dr. James
Wilson looks up and sees his friend walk over to the couch
and lie down comfortably.]

JAMES WILSON: [unsure what House wants this time] Can
I... help you?

GREG HOUSE: My patient's talking to my Grandpa Walt.

JAMES WILSON: You have a Grandpa Walt?

GREG HOUSE: Nope. Which is what made me suspect that
maybe she's not actually seeing into the afterlife.

JAMES WILSON: What is this sudden obsession with the
afterlife?

GREG HOUSE: Only obsession is with the idiots in the right-
here-and-now life who think there's an afterlife. [he pulls
out his Vicodin bottle]

JAMES WILSON: And you want me to...?

GREG HOUSE: Nothing. Just need a place to hang low for
awhile. I'm pretending to be spooked.

[He throws up a Vicodin pill and catches it in his mouth.]

JAMES WILSON: Because...?

GREG HOUSE: Because if my soon-to-be-brain-dead patient
thinks that I believe her, maybe she'll let me chat with her
mother's ghost.

JAMES WILSON: The one you don't believe exists.

GREG HOUSE: Exactly. The ghost is a hallucination, which is
the result of a delusion which most likely is the result of a
hereditary disease that her mother died from when the
patient was four.

JAMES WILSON: And you think you can tap into her
subconscious memory by tapping into her hallucination.

GREG HOUSE: Hmm-mm. She might not know what caused
her mother's death, but she will know how she acted
before she died.

JAMES WILSON: You're quite impressed with yourself right
now, aren't you?

GREG HOUSE: [snorts] Who wouldn't be? [checks his watch]
Well, that should be long enough. Back in a flash.

JAMES WILSON: Take your time.

[House limps outside.]

[Irene's Room. Day. House enters. Irene stirs awake.]

GREG HOUSE: [acting like a believer] Is my grandfather still
here?

IRENE WALESA: No.

[Her mother, sitting beside her on the bed, speaks.]

CONNIE WALESA: He should be right back.

IRENE WALESA: He just went to get some warm milk.

GREG HOUSE: But your mom's still here, right?

[Irene and Connie smile at each other.]

IRENE WALESA: Yes, of course.

GREG HOUSE: I know she's fine now, but when you were
four or five, she got sick.

IRENE WALESA: [confused] No.

GREG HOUSE: You sure? She wasn't in any pain?

CONNIE WALESA: I wasn't in pain.

IRENE WALESA: She was just tired. And sometimes she
would stay in bed all day.

GREG HOUSE: Did she ever fall down?

CONNIE WALESA: Of course. Everyone falls down once in
awhile.

IRENE WALESA: Sometimes. Not that often.

GREG HOUSE: How often?

CONNIE WALESA: [remembering] Maybe it was actually
more than once in awhile. [gasps in recollection]
Remember that time in the bathroom?

IRENE WALESA: Hmm. [to House] A few times. Once she hit
her head on the bathroom sink. There was blood all over
the floor. I got it on my sweater. And...

[She frowns as she recollects. She looks at Connie.]

IRENE WALESA: They took her away.

GREG HOUSE: Yeah, to the place where the doctor made
her better. But before that, what about her arms and legs?
Did she ever walk funny? Like sort of bent over?

CONNIE WALESA: [laughs] I thought that was from growing
up on the farm.

GREG HOUSE: What about her hands? She ever have any
difficulty sewing, buttoning a shirt?

CONNIE WALESA: No. [gasps] But sometimes, my hands
would, um, shiver. Like I was cold. But I wasn't. I never quite
understood.

IRENE WALESA: She used to get the shivers like she was
cold.

[House understands and leaves the room. Irene looks at the
space where only she sees her mother.]

[Hospital Auditorium. Day. The fellows sit idly. House enters
from the back entrance. They turn to him as he speaks.]

GREG HOUSE: Start her on l-dopa and bromocriptine.
[bored] It's just Parkinson's.

[He limps off. The fellows exchange looks and then
scramble to leave.]


CUT TO:

[Aerial view of PPTH. Night.]


CUT TO:

[Hospital Hallways. Day. Cole is ready to leave for the day.
Cameron comes running up to him.]

ALLISON CAMERON: Cole. How's it going with your patient?

[They start walking along the hallway.]

JEFFREY COLE: Still seeing stuff.

ALLISON CAMERON: I hear House is treating you like crap.

JEFFREY COLE: [light chuckle] He treats everyone badly.

ALLISON CAMERON: [smiles] Yeah, but I heard you're
special.

JEFFREY COLE: Oh, I can handle it.

[They reach the elevator and Cameron hits the button for
Cole.]

ALLISON CAMERON: Maybe you shouldn't. He's gonna walk
all over you if you let him.

JEFFREY COLE: That says nothing about me, just him.

ALLISON CAMERON: [exhorting] House respects people who
aren't afraid of him. Get in his face. Yell if you have to.

JEFFREY COLE: I don't need his respect.

[Cameron looks bewildered, as Cole enters the elevator.]

ALLISON CAMERON: You do if you want the job.

[Cole seems to consider it, but...]

JEFFREY COLE: Thanks for the advice.

[The elevator door closes and Cameron looks defeated.]


CUT TO:

[Irene's Room. Day. Irene struggles in pain as Kutner
roughly tries to inject something into her left arm.
"Thirteen" goes to help him out, pushing Irene down.]

LAWRENCE KUTNER: [pissed] You have to hold still!

IRENE WALESA: [crying] I'm trying!

LAWRENCE KUTNER: [irritated] Damn! Hold her down!

[As he tries to inject her again, she screams and writhes.]

IRENE WALESA: No! Stop it!

"THIRTEEN": [has enough, shouts] Let me do it!

[The two fellows quickly exchange places. Terrified, Irene
tries to escape from the bed.]

IRENE WALESA: No... no!

[Kutner holds her down.]

"THIRTEEN": [yells] Hold her down!

[Kutner straddles her and pins her down.]

IRENE WALESA: [pleading] No! No! No!

[Kutner and "Thirteen" exchange evil smiles as "Thirteen"
brandishes a much bigger and scarier needle. Irene's eyes
bulge in horror and "Thirteen" stabs the large needle down
towards Irene's left forearm.]

IRENE WALESA: No!

[A stabbing sound is heard and Irene screams out loudly, as
the needle pierces her skin and blood seeps out. "Thirteen"
and Kutner seem pleased with themselves.]

[Irene wakes up suddenly, drenched in sweat. "Thirteen"
(not so evil in real life) stands beside her.]

"THIRTEEN": Irene. Irene?

IRENE WALESA: [sighs weakly] You stabbed me.

"THIRTEEN": You were having a nightmare. Wasn't real.

IRENE WALESA: [crying] My arm is bleeding.

"THIRTEEN": No, it's okay now. Your arm's not...

[She looks down and sees many bloody welts on Irene's left
forearm. She looks shocked.]


CUT TO:

[Diagnostics Office. Day. The fellows sit around the glass
table, while House paces about and Dobson writes on the
whiteboard.]

AMBER VOLAKIS: Lesions aren't explained by Parkinson's.

GREG HOUSE: Any theories?

["Thirteen" shakes her head. Dobson finishes writing
"HALLUCINATIONS, SEIZURE, DELUSIONS, SKIN LESIONS" on
the whiteboard and hands the black marker to House.]

GREG HOUSE: [to "Thirteen"] A ghost got your tongue?

"THIRTEEN": I'm fine.

HENRY DOBSON: What about vasculitis?

CHRIS TAUB: MRI didn't indicate any cerebral ischemia.

HENRY DOBSON: But she has shown some focal weakness,
urinary retention.

CHRIS TAUB: Yes, those are her big mystery symptoms. Not
the hallucinations that vasculitis doesn't explain.

HENRY DOBSON: Unless it's retinal vasculitis.

[House looks at Dobson, liking the idea.]

CHRIS TAUB: House, this guy may be smart, and I'm sure
he's great to share a beer with. But if he doesn't know that
visual symptoms are an electrical issue, not vascular; two
separate systems...

HENRY DOBSON: So are the banks and the power grid. But
if I don't pay my bills, my lights go out.

["Thirteen" and Amber look impressed. Not so much Taub
and Kutner.]

GREG HOUSE: Vasculitis restricts blood flow to nerves,
messes with electrical function.

CHRIS TAUB: Acute intermittent porphyria's a better fit.

HENRY DOBSON: If you're wrong about porphyria, the
treatment could box her kidneys. Vasculitis is treated with
corticosteriods. Relatively harmless.

GREG HOUSE: Start her on the steroids.

CHRIS TAUB: [protesting] House...

GREG HOUSE: And test for both so he'll stop whining.

[Taub presses his temples in exasperation.]

GREG HOUSE: [to Cole] Big Love, have I humiliated you in
the last half hour?

JEFFREY COLE: [apprehensive] No.

GREG HOUSE: Check your email.

[He walks off, leaving Cole to wonder what bigoted mail he
might have sent. He follows the others.]


CUT TO:

[Hospital Cafeteria. Day. House stands at the counter,
choosing his lunch. Cameron walks up to him.]

ALLISON CAMERON: How's it going?

GREG HOUSE: Great. The only way he could turn any more
cheeks is by pulling down his pants.

ALLISON CAMERON: [takes an apple] He's not a wuss. It
takes a lot more strength...

GREG HOUSE: Hey, we didn't bet on how strong he was.

ALLISON CAMERON: So you're gonna collect a hundred
dollars and fire him because he has principles? [takes a bite
out of the apple]

GREG HOUSE: What's your agenda here? Obviously don't
care about the hundred.

ALLISON CAMERON: He's a decent, smart...

GREG HOUSE: You don't care about the team.

ALLISON CAMERON: Does it annoy Wilson when you ask
questions and ignore the answers?

GREG HOUSE: Very much. You only care about who I hire
and who I fire, 'cause you miss going through my mail. You
can't stop controlling me.

ALLISON CAMERON: [chuckles] No one controls you.

GREG HOUSE: Want your job back?

ALLISON CAMERON: [right-away] No.

GREG HOUSE: Too bad. You can't have it.

[They reach the cashier.]

GREG HOUSE: [points at Cameron] She'll take care of this.

[Her mouth full of apple, Cameron looks non-plussed.]

GREG HOUSE: You can take it out of the $100 you're gonna
owe me.

[He walks off with his tray. With a wry smile, Cameron
reaches into her pocket for money.]


CUT TO:

[Dr. Brady's Office. Day. Foreman sits for an interview at
another hospital, this time with Dr. Brady as his
interviewer.]

DR. BRADY: [leaning back, reading Foreman's rsum] I met
House at a conference about five years ago. He's quite a
character.

ERIC FOREMAN: Yes, he is.

DR. BRADY: Probably one of the best medical minds of our
generation.

ERIC FOREMAN: I agree. I-I learned an awful lot from him.

DR. BRADY: I'll bet you did. I see here you just did a stint at
Mercy. Great. It says here "'07 to present." How long were
you there?

ERIC FOREMAN: About a month. Dr. Schaffer was great, but
just wasn't the right fit.

DR. BRADY: Wait, was that you with Dr. Schaffer and the
lymphoma patient?

ERIC FOREMAN: It was, uh, it was a tough situation. I
probably could've handled it better.

DR. BRADY: [sits upright] No. Dr. Schaffer's got a stick up
her rear. Good for you. What made you so sure it was
lymphoma?

ERIC FOREMAN: There was an unusual lactic acid level in
one of her labs. I had a similar case a few months ago.

DR. BRADY: [really impressed] Beautiful. God, I wish I had
your stones.

ERIC FOREMAN: [chuckles] Well, my stones are on the
market.

DR. BRADY: No, I mean, seriously, I wish I had your stones.
Then I could cram you down the board of directors.

[Foreman frowns nervously.]

DR. BRADY: But I don't. I'm sorry, man. Good luck.

[He hands Foreman his rsum back. Foreman looks
disappointed.]


CUT TO:

[Procedure room. Day. As part of the retinal test, Irene has
contact lenses (connected with wires) in her eyes. She looks
into the machine. "Thirteen" and Amber conduct the test.
Connie stands nearby (visible only to her daughter.]

"THIRTEEN": When your retina sees something, they send
electrical signals to your brain. These lenses will pick up
those signals.

AMBER VOLAKIS: If the signals are misfiring, it'll confirm
that an old man without a medical license is smarter than
all of us. That your hallucinations were caused by...

IRENE WALESA: [stoically] They're not hallucinations. Tell
her, mom.

CONNIE WALESA: [stroking Irene's hair] Honey, they're
doctors. They must know what they're doing.

IRENE WALESA: If they know what they're doing, how'd
they kill that poor man's dog?

["Thirteen" looks up and walks aside. Amber follows to bait
her.]

AMBER VOLAKIS: C'mon, this has got to be freaking you out
a little bit.

"THIRTEEN": I appreciate your concern.

AMBER VOLAKIS: There's nothing to be ashamed of here. If
the ghost of a man you killed doesn't screw with your head,
there's something wrong with your head.


["Thirteen" tries to proceed, but sees a blue dog collar (with
a blue metallic bone with a bite taken from it). She picks it
up.]

AMBER VOLAKIS: [acts scared, shrinks back] See, that freaks
me out.

"THIRTEEN": [rationalizing] Someone must've left it in here.

AMBER VOLAKIS: Oh, absolutely. That makes sense. The
dog was in here getting his eyes checked and forgot to put
his jewelry back on.

["Thirteen" looks accusingly at her.]

IRENE WALESA: This isn't working. You're just making me
sicker like he said you...

[She gags. The two fellows go to her. She leans back in her
chair in pain.]

"THIRTEEN": What's wrong?

IRENE WALESA: [in agony] My stomach, it hurts.

[Suddenly, she lurches forward and throws up blood on the
floor. Her mother is frightened. Amber goes to the phone.]

AMBER VOLAKIS: [into phone] Code in the eye lab.

"THIRTEEN": Lean forward, Irene. You're gonna aspirate.

IRENE WALESA: I can't. It hurts. [crying] Why won't you help
me?

["Thirteen" looks shocked at the accusation. Irene starts to
cry out more in pain.]


CUT TO:

[Aerial view of PPTH. Day.]


CUT TO:

[Operating Room. Day. Irene lies unconscious in the OR, her
stomach open, while Dr. Robert Chase operates on her,
trying to curb the internal bleeding. Cole assists.]

ROBERT CHASE: Spleen's ripe to bursting. You guys thought
it was vasculitis?

[They continue the surgery.]

JEFFREY COLE: You used to be on House's team, right?

ROBERT CHASE: Yeah. There's a lot of blood in here.
Sponge.

[Cole hands him a sponge. Chase dabs it on the blood to
clean some of it away.]

JEFFREY COLE: You got any advice for me?

ROBERT CHASE: Nope.

JEFFREY COLE: You always put up with this crap?

ROBERT CHASE: Yep.

JEFFREY COLE: [softly] Was it a mistake?

ROBERT CHASE: It was irrelevant.

JEFFREY COLE: He fired you.

ROBERT CHASE: He'll fire you either way... eventually.

JEFFREY COLE: Dr. Cameron told me...

ROBERT CHASE: Don't wanna know.

JEFFREY COLE: Why not?

ROBERT CHASE: 'Cause... House is watching.

[Cole frowns quizzically.]

ROBERT CHASE: Not a metaphor. Look up.

[Wide-eyed, Cole looks up at the Observation Deck of the
OR, to see House glowering at them. Using his cane, he hits
the intercom button.]

GREG HOUSE: [over intercom] You guys gonna shoot the
breeze or you gonna do something about all that bleeding?

ROBERT CHASE: That's not coming from the spleen. It's the
liver.

JEFFREY COLE: It's necrotic.

ROBERT CHASE: She's dying from the inside out.

[Chase and Cole exchange looks. House watches somberly.]


CUT TO:

[Diagnostics Office. Day. House adds "ENLARGED SPLEEN,
NECROTIC LIVER" to the previous symptoms on the
whiteboard. His fellows sit at the glass table.]

CHRIS TAUB: Enlarged spleen and liver failure are classic
AIP. It's porphyria and it's moving fast.

HENRY DOBSON: [disagreeing] PBGs were negative. If you
read the report...

CHRIS TAUB: [arguing] PBG tests are only conclusive if done
during an attack, which you would know if you were a real
doctor.

[House watches the exchange and smiles.]

GREG HOUSE: That is just great.

HENRY DOBSON: What is?

CHRIS TAUB: Which one of us is?

GREG HOUSE: Both of you. Together. Fighting. Passionate
to prove the other one wrong. Couldn't care less about the
patient, but it all works out the same.

AMBER VOLAKIS: [butts in] I hate "Thirteen".

GREG HOUSE: Not as productively. Continue.

["Thirteen" smiles.]

HENRY DOBSON: It could still be vascular.

CHRIS TAUB: [pressing his temples in frustration] Vasculitis
is off the board. Steroid treatment didn't help.

HENRY DOBSON: Vascular isn't just vasculitis. Something's
gotta be cutting off the blood supply to her liver and spleen.

GREG HOUSE: Do a visceral angiogram.

CHRIS TAUB: [stands and approaches House] This is a joke,
right? He can't be right every single time. You're feeding
him your ideas just to embarrass us.

GREG HOUSE: If I wanted to embarrass you, I'd... have you
mop up the doctor's lounge.

[The others smile, while Taub stands embarrassed.]


CUT TO:

[Irene's Room. Night. While Connie counts her prayer
beads, Cole injects the dye into Irene, who's unconscious.
Brennan stands nearby. Cole presses a switch, bringing up
the angiogram results on the monitor. He starts to wipe his
hands. He sees a crucifix on Irene's neck. She stirs awake,
her eyes yellow. Cole leans towards Irene.]

JEFFREY COLE: [whispering] Heavenly father, I pray thee
that Thou shalt give the Holy Ghost unto all them that shall
believe in Thy words.

[Unknown to him, she slowly moves her hand towards his
crotch. Suddenly, she gropes him.]

JEFFREY COLE: [scandalized, withdraws] Irene. What are
you doing?

IRENE WALESA: I need to touch it.

TRAVIS BRENNAN: [advances to hold her down] Irene, put
your hand down.

IRENE WALESA: [yelling out] No, give it to me! I want it!
Give it to me!

[They try to restrain her as she struggles more.]


CUT TO:

[House's Office. Day. House sits at his desk. The fellows
enter.]

GREG HOUSE: What'd the angio say?

JEFFREY COLE: Couldn't finish. She started groping me.

GREG HOUSE: You couldn't let her get to second base just
to get the test done?

LAWRENCE KUTNER: I think that's third base.

TRAVIS BRENNAN: She was convulsing, delirious, and hyper-
salivating. We had to knock her out with lorazepam.

GREG HOUSE: Well, it's definitely not vascular.

JEFFREY COLE: What do you want us to do?

GREG HOUSE: [leans back in his chair] Question is what
would Joseph Smith do?

JEFFREY COLE: This isn't the time for...

GREG HOUSE: Casting out the demons?

JEFFREY COLE: [arguing] The patient's not possessed, she's
dying. You can mock me tomorrow.

[House stands and walks over to Cole.]

GREG HOUSE: You believe that the Book has all the
answers.

JEFFREY COLE: [humoring him] To morality, not science!

GREG HOUSE: But the book is inconsistent with science. You
know how many epileptics were tortured because they
were possessed? How many teenage witches were stoned
to death 'cause they took mushrooms?

JEFFREY COLE: [barely restraining himself] Just shut up
already! We got a patient dying!

[Cole walks away, looking away from House.]

GREG HOUSE: Either got to prescribe an exorcism or admit
to me that Smith was a horny fraud.

[That's all Cole can take. He pivots round and punches
House in the mouth. House slams into a cabinet, but stays
upright. The others restrain Cole. House's bottom lip is
bleeding. The others are startled. Cole sighs, expecting to
be fired. Amber has an epiphany.]

AMBER VOLAKIS: I know what she has.

[The others look at her.]

GREG HOUSE: You couldn't have spoken up ten seconds
ago? You coulda saved me a hundred bucks.

AMBER VOLAKIS: [beaming] Mushrooms weren't the only
thing that got people stoned to death. Jimson weed,
belladonna, mandrake root, and... moldy bread. It's Ergot
poisoning.

"THIRTEEN": You'd need damp grain that had been...

JEFFREY COLE: ... completely unprocessed and untreated
like what's in that organic rye bread she's been eating. [to
House] Should I be going home?

GREG HOUSE: Is it six o'clock?

AMBER VOLAKIS: It's why she got worse on the
bromocriptine. It's an ergot derivative.

TRAVIS BRENNAN: There hasn't been a case in fifty years.

AMBER VOLAKIS: She kept asking for milk. Dairy products
counteract the effects.

"THIRTEEN": You think she knew what she had and was
treating it?

AMBER VOLAKIS: Cravings based on actual needs. It's a
fairly common evolutionary development.

[House thinks about it and turns to Cole.]

GREG HOUSE: You okay with an answer based on
evolution?

JEFFREY COLE: [uncertainly] Yeah.

GREG HOUSE: Hypocrite.

[He walks past him.]


CUT TO:

[Irene's Room. Day. Amber and "Thirteen" explain the
affliction to Irene, while Connie sits next to her on the bed.]

AMBER VOLAKIS: It's the stuff they make LSD from. The
treatment you're on should...

IRENE WALESA: So I've just been... tripping?

"THIRTEEN": It explains the hallucinations, seizures,
delusions. Constricts the blood vessels, which explains the
necrosis.

[Irene looks down mournfully. She turns to where Connie
sits.]

IRENE WALESA: She's not here?

[Connie shakes her head sadly. Irene looks at the two
fellows.]

"THIRTEEN": [sympathetically] I'm sorry. No.

[Irene nods her head sadly.]

AMBER VOLAKIS: The fact that you're even willing to accept
that answer means the medicine is starting to work.

[Irene nods and looks at her mother. Connie gently strokes
her head.]

CONNIE WALESA: But you'll live. You're beautiful, Reena.

IRENE WALESA: [tearfully] You too, mama.

["Thirteen" watches emotionally. Connie removes her
crucifix pendant from around her neck and places it over
Irene's one. They merge together (basically, Irene is actually
wearing Connie's crucifix). Connie strokes Irene's hair
lovingly. They look at each other.]

IRENE WALESA: [choking] I'm going to miss you.

[Connie smiles sadly.]

IRENE WALESA: [softly] Mama.

[But this time, she does not see her anymore. She strokes
her pendant and looks outside, where it's raining heavily.]


CUT TO:


[Hospital Auditorium. Night. The fellows are now sitting
facing the back entrance where House has been entering
from all the time. The front entrance opens and House
enters, carrying a bunch of flowers. The fellows quickly turn
their seats around to face him, as he walks to the desk.]

GREG HOUSE: As you know, there are seven of you and...
[counts the flowers and dumps a few of them] only six
roses.

LAWRENCE KUTNER: Those are peonies.

[House throws him a threatening look.]

LAWRENCE KUTNER: But I'm sure they're part of the rose
family. [smiles]

GREG HOUSE: Actually, I'm surprised there are seven of
you. [to Cole] You punch your boss and stick around?

[Cole sits calmly in his seat.]

JEFFREY COLE: [coolly] Gimme the flower and shut up.

[House hands him a peony.]

GREG HOUSE: Don't overdo it. [to the rest] Now I would
love to keep all of you. But not enough to do anything
about it. So according to my arbitrary schedule, one of you
has to go.

[He starts to look at the other fellows with a dramatic look.
Kutner looks scared, Brennan looks down. House looks at
Dobson and Taub, then "Thirteen". Amber smiles at
"Thirteen"'s discomfort. House starts to look around again
and then settles on Amber.]

AMBER VOLAKIS: [chuckles uneasily] You're kidding.

[House only keeps looking at her.]

AMBER VOLAKIS: [jumps up from her seat, angry] I came up
with the answer. I robbed a grave. I...

"THIRTEEN": ... planted a dog collar in the procedure room
just to screw with my head.

AMBER VOLAKIS: [to House] No, I never...

[House hands her a peony. She shuts up.]

"THIRTEEN": What, you don't believe she did it?

GREG HOUSE: I'm sure she did it. That's why she's getting
the flower. It was beautiful.

[Amber smiles and sits.]

GREG HOUSE: She just overreached. She got into your head.

"THIRTEEN": No. I...

[Amber smiles cockily at "Thirteen".]

GREG HOUSE: She owned you. Planting the idea was good.
Letting it fester was good. Leaving the collar was stupid.
Well known fact, ghosts don't leave things lying around.

"THIRTEEN": So am I gone then?

[House walks up to her and hands her a peony. She takes it
rather coyly. Amber doesn't seem happy. Cole and
"Thirteen" bump peonies. House turns to the others and
reacts as if surprised.]

GREG HOUSE: Oh, my goodness. I'd totally forgotten about
you two. Well played.

[He hands peonies to Kutner and Brennan. Brennan,
betraying his anxiety, jumps for the peony, and fumbles for
it. He and Kutner bump fists in relief. That brings us to the
last peony. House stands in front of Dobson and Taub,
swaying the flower. Dobson doesn't look too stressed.
Taub, on the other hand, seems resigned to being fired.
Finally...]

GREG HOUSE: Sorry, Henry.

[Dobson smiles sportingly. Taub seems surprised.]

GREG HOUSE: We had some giggles.

[House hands the peony to Taub, who's still confused.]

CHRIS TAUB: You agreed with everything he said. You
finished each other's sentences.

HENRY DOBSON: That's why I gotta go. Don't need
someone to tell you what you're already thinking.

GREG HOUSE: Funny, I was gonna say that.

[Dobson smirks.]

GREG HOUSE: If you want to hang out...

HENRY DOBSON: [standing] Yeah, I know. Um, call Wilson.

[House smiles at him.]

GREG HOUSE: Rest of you, eight o'clock tomorrow.

[He walks out. Dobson, though disappointed, keeps smiling
and nods. He and Taub exchange pleasant looks.]


CUT TO:

[Hospital Hallways. Night. House, on his way out, is
approached by a triumphant Cameron.]

ALLISON CAMERON: Cash will be fine.

GREG HOUSE: [getting the money] I bet you say that to all
the guys.

[He takes out a hundred and hands it to her.]

GREG HOUSE: Take your blood money.

[She yanks it from his hand and smilingly puts it in her
pocket.]

GREG HOUSE: Who are you gonna protect next?

ALLISON CAMERON: If I told you, it wouldn't work.

[Victoriously, she walks away. A clap of thunder is heard.
House limps away.]


CUT TO:

[Cuddy's Office. Night. The thunderstorm continues
outside. Cuddy sits at her desk. The door opens and
Foreman enters.]

ERIC FOREMAN: I've rethought some things.

LISA CUDDY: Glad to hear it.

ERIC FOREMAN: I'm prepared to come back on a number of
conditions. I want the raise you promised, plus five percent.
I want my own office and a personal assistant.

LISA CUDDY: It's not unreasonable.

[Foreman smiles.]

LISA CUDDY: I will give you... none of those. [smiles] You
can come back at your original salary.

ERIC FOREMAN: [frowns confused] What's going on?

LISA CUDDY: You haven't rethought anything. You've just
been blackballed. You're "House Lite" now. The only
administrator that will touch you is the one who hired
"House Classic". [almost enjoying this] Good news is, she'll
pretend she's not doing you a favor.

[Foreman looks defeated.]

ERIC FOREMAN: I can start Monday.

405 - Mirror, Mirror
[Opens to a dark alley where two young guys are hiding.]

GUY 1: Grandma's got some cash, we can steal that.

GUY 2: What kind of creep are you? We steal from
strangers.

GUY 1: Yeah, grandma's not going to call the cops.

GUY 2: Look... Either you start doing this, or you get a job.
[Turns and sees a man walking out of a bar.] That guy.
You're going to remember that guy for the rest of your life.

[They quickly walk up to the man.]

GUY 1: Hey, how you doing? [The man turns and looks at
him and then continues walking.] I said, hey, give me all
your cash!

MAN: Why? Want to buy yourself a pretty dress, you little
bitch?

GUY 2: [Getting in the man's face.] He ain't kidding man.
Where's your wallet?

MAN: On your sister's nightstand. Forgot it after I paid her.

[Guy 2 pull's out a knife and holds it up to the man's neck.]

GUY 1: Woah, Tony!

GUY 2/ TONY: You want to die tonight? I said where's your
wallet?

[The man starts coughing.]

GUY 1: I think he's sick. Maybe you shouldn't...

TONY: He's faking. Go in his pockets, grab his wallet. [Guy 1
does as he's told while the man continues to cough.] Good,
lets go. [They start to run off, the man falls to he's knees
struggling to breathe.]

GUY 1: [Turns around.] You alright man?

TONY: He's fine, he's faking it. [Tries to drag Guy 1 away but
fails.]

GUY 1: [Dials 911.] Yeah, I need an ambulance. At maple
and fourth. It's a really sick
guy. I think he got mugged. [Tony whacks him on the back
of the head.] What?

TONY: Are you happy? Let's go! [They run off.]

[Cut to House and the six remaining numbers in the lecture
theatre, House is writing on the blackboard.]

HOUSE: Today, we are hunting for the cat burglar of
diseases. Causes a healthy man's lungs to fail, leaves no
fingerprints.

COLE: Respiratory distress could be asthma.

HOUSE: No hyperinflation on the X-Ray.

KUTNER: Food allergy. Could have eaten shellfish or
peanuts.

HOUSE: No hives. No erythema on the skin. [Cuddy and
Foreman walk in.]

13: Pulmonary embolism.

HOUSE: Embolism's don't magically dissolve. [To Foreman.]
What are you doing here?

FOREMAN: Laryngospasm. [Everyone turns to look at him.]
Frosty fall air hits his vocal chords, they spasm shut... Choke
him out.

HOUSE: Good idea. You've been tremendously helpful, you
can leave.

CUDDY: I just hired him.

HOUSE: Well I fired him. To infinity.

FOREMAN: [To Cuddy.] You didn't tell him I was coming
back?

HOUSE: She did, I said no.

CUDDY: When your extended job interview slash reality TV
show killed a patient you lost your veto power. Everybody,
this is Dr. Foreman, he will...

AMBER: Does this mean there's one less slot for us?
[Everyone looks at House, House in turn looks at Cuddy.
Everyone looks at Cuddy.]

CUDDY: It's still Dr. House's department. He decides who
stays, who goes...

HOUSE: Foreman goes!

CUDDY: But Dr. Foreman will be my eyes and ears. You do
nothing without his knowledge. [Starts to leave.]

HOUSE: Oh, uh, just in case I need them, where exactly will
Dr. Foreman be keeping my balls? [Foreman rolls his eyes
and looks at Cuddy who smiles and leaves.] If you want to
keep your jobs, that never happened. The only way to get
the cat burglar is to catch him in the act. Give the patient a
methacholine challenge, see if it sets off laryngospasm.

BRENNAN: You want us to stop his breathing?

HOUSE: Well, only until you can figure out why. After that
it'd be irresponsible. [The numbers leave, Foreman stays.]
You and I should talk.

[Cut to House and Foreman walking down the corridor.]

FOREMAN: I'm sorry, she didn't have to do that publicly.

HOUSE: Yes she did! She had to establish her dominance in
front of them, limit my power.

FOREMAN: There's nothing we can do.

HOUSE: Well, that's not the never say never Dr. Foreman I
know. There's lots we can do.

FOREMAN: Not really, Cuddy wont...

HOUSE: I can make you miserable.

FOREMAN: That's true.

HOUSE: Until you quit, again. So why don't we just skip the
middleman?

FOREMAN: I'm not quitting.

HOUSE: My god, not everything's about you, and your little
job, and your little world. This is about restoring order in
the universe.

FOREMAN: I'm not quitting.

HOUSE: You're going to be miserable.

FOREMAN: I already am miserable. [Leaves.]

[Cut to the patient running on a treadmill, Amber and
Brennan are running the test.]

AMBER: Cuddy obviously thinks we're idiots, she's not going
to let House hire any one of us.

BRENNAN: Tidal volume's holding at 1.2 litres. Increase the
dose.

AMBER: So which master do we serve? Whose ass do we
have to kiss to get this job?

BRENNAN: You really want this job so bad? How about you
try doing this job? Double the dose to 16 milligrams per
millilitre.

PATIENT: [Spits out the tube in his mouth.] My foot's
tingling. Is that normal?

BRENNAN: [Talks into the microphone.] No. What exactly
does it...

PATIENT: And my stomach's killing me. Could this test cause
that stuff?

AMBER: [In the microphone.] No.

[Cut to Chase in the nurses station handing a ticket to
someone.]

AMBER: Test was a bust.

CHASE: Amber has moved down to even money.

AMBER: We found two new symptoms.

CHASE: Back to 2-1.

AMBER: What's going on?

KUTNER: You're the favourite.

AMBER: House's?

KUTNER: To get fired.

CHASE: You can bet against yourself. Lovely parting gift.

AMBER: What's the limit?

CHASE: Isn't one.

AMBER: 500 on Kutner.

KUTNER: Oh, 1000 on Amber.

AMBER: Do you take cheques?

CHASE: No.

[Cut to Foreman writing on the blackboard in the lecture
theatre.]

FOREMAN: How do we connect abdominal pain, and
numbness in the extremities, with respiratory collapse?

BRENNAN: Dissecting aortic aneurysm.

FOREMAN: Doesn't cover all three. What else?

[House walks in, everyone looks at him.]

HOUSE: Carry on, he's the boss. [Sits down between 13 and
Kutner.]

TAUB: Uh, what about a spinal cord lesion?

FOREMAN: Have to be in the brain stem and it still doesn't
explain the lungs.

HOUSE: Weird, though... That he's the boss. Didn't he quit
recently? Was it a money issue?

FOREMAN: Lungs, stomach, numbness?

HOUSE: No that wasn't it, it was something else... Was it
bling account? Med plan didn't cover tattoo removal?

FOREMAN: We have to unify these symptoms.

HOUSE: Oh! I remember. You didn't want to turn into me.
Right? You didn't want to become evil.

FOREMAN: Can we stick to the medicine here?

HOUSE: Absolutely. I'm just flattered. In a few short weeks,
seems like I've just turned towards the light. I mean... either
that or you've sold your soul.

FOREMAN: Multiple marantic emboli could...

HOUSE: Get a raise? Cause then you're a whore. Or didn't
you? Cause then you're a stupid whore. [House's pager
goes off.] Patient just crashed. [Everyone just sits there.]
Can they go boss? [Foreman nods. They run off.]

FOREMAN: You're right.

HOUSE: But?

FOREMAN: No but. You're right about all of it.

HOUSE: Well, then, I'll see you at the reunion. [Stands up to
leave.]

FOREMAN: It seems I didn't get out of here soon enough.
The world thinks I've been corrupted, so no one will hire
me. I hate being here. I'd love to quit... but I can't.
[Foreman leaves.]

[Cut to the numbers running up to the patient who is on the
floor.]

13: He's got a pulse.

KUTNER: Must be another respiratory collapse. Means this
is our chance to prove laryngospasm.

AMBER: We need to tube him and bag him.

KUTNER: We will, right after we figure out...

AMBER: If we just let him die, it doesn't matter what he
has.

KUTNER: Brennan tilt his head back so I can get a straight
shot.

AMBER: Ok while you're killing him... I'll get the intubation
kit.

[House walks up to Foreman who is watching the numbers.]

HOUSE: I decided you're right. You're obviously in an
impossible position. There's no point in me humiliating you.

FOREMAN: Thanks.

HOUSE: So I'm going to humiliate Cuddy, until she fires you.

FOREMAN: Guy's faking. It's Munchausen's. You notice the
EMT run sheet? [Hands a file to House.] Paramedic who
brought him in is also named Martin Harris.

HOUSE: Well [One of the numbers runs past.] If the name
was Attila Von Weinerschnitzel, I'd say you might be on to
something.

FOREMAN: Look. [Points to the white board listing all the
patients.] Room 406, abdominal pain. Room 403, left-sided
numbness. 402, syncope. He's copying his neighbours'
symptoms.

HOUSE: [Studies the board.] No.

FOREMAN: Yeah, coincidence is much more likely than you
being a stubborn jerk.

HOUSE: Munchausen's patients create symptoms, not
names.

FOREMAN: Munchausen's patients have medical histories
they don't want us reading.

TAUB: No laryngeal spasm.

13: Breathing's resumed normal rate. Without intubation.

FOREMAN: See? Nothing's wrong with him.

HOUSE: He's in a lab coat. Munchausen's pretend to be
patients, not doctors. He's got mirror syndrome.

FOREMAN: Giovannini's?

HOUSE: Do you know another mirror syndrome? Brain's got
no idea who he is, where he is or what he is. But it fills the
holes with whatever dirt's lying around. He reads a name
tag, he's got a name. Sees a doctor, he's got a job. Sees
symptoms, he's got a problem.

FOREMAN: My explanation's simpler.

HOUSE: Well if it's simple, then we discharge the nut bar.
But if it's complicated, then the nut bar has got brain
damage.

FOREMAN: So we let him jerk them around for a few days
until we're sure?

HOUSE: No, we let him jerk you around. There's a faster
way.

[Cut to House entering the OR in scrubs with the patient,
also in scrubs.]

HOUSE: Mind if we play through?

WILSON: Sure, what could possibly go wrong?

HOUSE: What's going on here Martin?

PATIENT: Operation?

WILSON: House, who is this guy?

HOUSE: Excellent question. Who are you Martin? [Patient
opens his mouth to talk but says nothing.] He just likes to
watch, do stuff.

WILSON: Number ten scalpel for initial incision. Glad you're
here, House.

HOUSE: Of course you are. [To the patient.] It's lecture
time.

WILSON: Yeah, it is. Stop worrying about the power play.

HOUSE: Was that it? I think you can go a lot deeper here. I
mean, WHY am I so
obsessed by all of this?

WILSON: You're threatened by Foreman and feel the need
to impress Cuddy. The only thing that's relevant is Foreman
is a good doctor. He can help you, lighten the load.

HOUSE: Good idea. I'll have him sort my mail.

PATIENT: Sure! Deflect.

WILSON: Who is this guy?!

HOUSE: I think we just found out.

PATIENT: It's all about Cuddy. Got to be the alpha dog.
[House smiles.] Can almost smell the pheromones now,
huh?

WILSON: I like him.

PATIENT: Hah.

HOUSE: [Looks up at Foreman in the Observation room as
the patient grabs a scalpel.] Told you I didn't need you.

FOREMAN: House! [House stops the patient just before he
starts operating on the person. House notices something
wrong with the patients hand and pulls off the glove. The
hand looks freaky, can see all the veins through the skin.]

WILSON: House what is going on?

HOUSE: [Cuts the patients hand with a scalpel, it barely
bleeds.] Your blood's turned to sludge. If we don't heat you
up, you're going to die. [Looks up at Foreman.] Can't fake
that!

[Cut to House followed by Foreman and the numbers
exiting the elevator.]

HOUSE: Mirror syndrome patients have no agenda, no axe
to grind. They can read you because they have to. Moods,
attitudes, everything. They're like mind readers. Except
they can read your mind.

FOREMAN: Where are we going?

HOUSE: Unfortunately, we have to cure him. His hand
wasn't black when he came in, the operating room was
sterile, the only thing different was the temperature. Cold
agglutinins means...

AMBER: It's got to be some kind of infection.

COLE: No fever, so it's got to be a tiny infection, hard to
find.

HOUSE: You'd better find it fast. This guy feels another cool
breeze, his blood turns to slop and he drops. [Walks into
the cafeteria.] I need three ways to pinpoint infection.

KUTNER: Blood cultures.

HOUSE: Blood's clumpy. Nothing you can do with it.

KUTNER: Unless we soak him in warm water before we
draw it.

HOUSE: Good, what else?

TAUB: Ultrasound his abdomen, look for an abscess.

HOUSE: Good. [House stands on a chair.] Uh, ladies and
gentlemen, I have a regrettable announcement. Kitchen has
just learned that our annual shipment of mayonnaise was
improperly stored, so anybody who ate... well, the food,
should head across the lobby to the clinic right away. Ask
for Dr. Cuddy. [Everyone starts to leave.]

FOREMAN: You're not punishing Cuddy, you're punishing
every doctor in the building.

HOUSE: It's her building, her doctors. Still need one more.

COLE: Well we need to find out his history. Where he's
been, what he's done.

BRENNAN: Yeah he has not memory, but his bio's tattooed
to his rear?

FOREMAN: [Gets up on the chair.] The mayo is fine. You can
stay where you are. I'm a doctor.

HOUSE: Mail order. I've seen the diplomas. Two N's in
university. [Everyone continues to leave.] Big love was right.
History's the key.

BRENNAN: No ID, no wallet. No missing persons report filed
for a hundred miles.

HOUSE: The key is the key. He had car keys in his pocket
when he was admitted. [To Amber.] Keep him in the
isolation room, so he doesn't pick up extreme bitch
syndrome from one of the nurses. [To 13.] Run the
ultrasound [To Taub.] and the blood cultures.


KUTNER: The cultures were my idea.

HOUSE: No one's keeping score... You're losing. [To Cole.]
Search the street where he was mugged, find the car and
the registration.

COLE: There could be thousands of cars. Why do I get this
assignment?

HOUSE: Because if you deal with the patient, he's going to
wind up singing Osmond songs and proposing to five nurses
at once.

13: I'll go with Cole.

HOUSE: Ooh. We have a love connection. [House leaves.]

[Cut to Amber with the patient in ICU.]

AMBER: Make a fist... Little pinch. [Starts to draw blood.]

PATIENT: Wow that's a strong pinch.

AMBER: This thing works, you're lucky you've got me. My
colleague wanted to
cook you in boiling water. [Pulls out the vial of blood and
looks at it.]

PATIENT: That's right, baby. My blood's that good.

AMBER: That's supposed to be me, right?

PATIENT: No. That's me. I'm always right. Got to be.

AMBER: I don't think I'm always...

PATIENT: If they don't like you, you got to be right, or
you're not worth anything.

[Cut to Taub doing an ultrasound.]

TAUB: Infections can hide deep beneath the skin. This will
find them.

PATIENT: Who was that last doctor?

TAUB: Dr. Amber Volakis.

PATIENT: Don't really need her name.

TAUB: [Smiles, looks at the screen then back at the patient.]
Wait. You saying that... You... I want her?

PATIENT: Don't know what you want. Don't care what you
want.

TAUB: I'm married.

PATIENT: So am I.

TAUB: Even if I wasn't, She's a little too,uh... aggressive for
me.

PATIENT: Hey. Aggressive is never a bad thing.

TAUB: [Smiles.] Yeah, true. [Patient laughs and gives Taub a
high five. Taub sees something on the screen.] I'm done.

PATIENT: You ok?

TAUB: Yeah. We've got to run some more tests. You can
clean yourself up. [Hands him a cloth.]

[Cut to House and Wilson exiting the elevator.]

WILSON: Lesion on the liver. Cystic or solid?

HOUSE: Solid.

WILSON: Well, you certainly did the right thing by coming
to me.

HOUSE: Yes I needed a smug oncologist...

WILSON: An authoritative oncologist.

HOUSE: I hate you. Tell me why.

WILSON: I've been scanning literature, very interesting
study in Sweden. Apparently, Giovannini's patients mimic
whoever they think's in charge.

HOUSE: Any country with that low an age of consent and
that high a rate of suicide isn't thinking straight.

WILSON: I am in charge of our relationship.

HOUSE: It was a surgery. You were the surgeon. In that
setting...

WILSON: You would pick up my laundry if I asked you to.

HOUSE: Go ahead, ask.

WILSON: Oh, I wouldn't do that to you.

[They walk into the lecture theatre which is empty. On the
whiteboard is Clinic written backwards.]

[Cut to House entering the Clinic which is very busy.]

HOUSE: I want all my personal private doctors back right
now. Except for Foreman.

CUDDY: Your team, Foreman included, is dealing with the
great mayonnaise panic of 2007. Frankly, I'm worried it
might spread to other continents.

[House goes looking for his team, opens exam room one
where Kutner is examining a woman.]

HOUSE: Lesion on the liver. Possibility... Why are you doing
a pelvic for food poisoning?

KUTNER: She said her hoo hoo burned.

[House leaves and opens exam room two, Amber is
examining an old guy with his shirt off.]

HOUSE: Lesion on the liver, ideas?

AMBER: Start with a biopsy to rule out cancer.

KUTNER: [From the other room.] Could be an abscess.

AMBER: Needle works for that too.

BRENNAN: [Walking past.] Unless it's a vascular
hemangioma. Aspirate that, he'll bleed out, we'll kill him.

HOUSE: If he bleeds out we'll know what he had.

AMBER: Had?

HOUSE: Two diagnoses out of three he lives. We do nothing
three out of three he dies. [To Brennan.] Go stick his liver.

TAUB: Where's Foreman? We should...

HOUSE: You need him to draft your letter of resignation?

TAUB: You risking our patient's life to get back at Cuddy?

HOUSE: What? No, that would be childish. This is what I'm
doing to get back at Cuddy. [Turns around to the clinic full
of people.] Who here doesn't have any health insurance? [A
bunch of people stick up their hand.] Michael Moore was
right. MRI's, pet scans, neuro-psych test, private rooms for
all these patients. Fight the power!

[Cut to Brennan sticking a large needle into the patient.]

BRENNAN: Sorry, I missed. [Pulls the needle back out.] I
have to reposition the needle. You're going to feel another
pinch. [Patient groans.] You still with me?

PATIENT: I'm here.

BRENNAN: You felling faint?

PATIENT: No.

BRENNAN: What's wrong?

PATIENT: It's personal.

BRENNAN: [Raises his eyebrows.] You got personal
problems? You've got no memory.

PATIENT: I'm in a hospital. I don't want to be in a hospital.
[Brennan sticks the needle back in.]

BRENNAN: Well... you're sick, so...

PATIENT: I'm bored. You ask what's wrong, then you ignore
the answer, just go on with what you're doing. You think
everything's okay as long as you don't think about it, don't
deal with it. [Brennan stares at the fluid in the syringe.] Is
that blood?

BRENNAN: I think it's pus from a fungus.

PATIENT: I have fungus in me?

BRENNAN: If you've been in the tropics in the last few
months. I saw this in tsunami survivors. Their skin grafts
would ooze black pus sometimes weeks later. Traced the
fungus back to the sand in the tsunami tides.

PATIENT: [Impressed.] That's so cool.

[Cut to Brennan in House's office.]

BRENNAN: I think the black pus is fungal. If I'm right, that's
where the cold agglutinins are coming from, that's what's
driving his memory loss. Amber's putting him on
amphotericin, it will cure him.

HOUSE: This makes no sense.

BRENNAN: I'm doing blood tests to be sure, but the sooner
we get him on...

HOUSE: I'm not talking about the infection. I'm talking
about you letting Tonya Harding administer the treatment.

BRENNAN: I'm out of the game.

HOUSE: Why?

BRENNAN: A couple of weeks ago you named me grumpy,
said I didn't want to be here, I wanted to be back in the
third world.

HOUSE: And you realised I'm right just now?

BRENNAN: I got a confirmation.

HOUSE: The patient's nuts.

BRENNAN: The patient's... unbiased. The patient has no axe
to grind.

HOUSE: The patient is nuts.

BRENNAN: I miss my old life helping people who barely
have clean water, let alone the kind of medicines we waste
by the SUV load.

HOUSE: You're nuts. You're going to be miserable, at home,
at work, somewhere. The goal in life is not to eliminate
misery, it's to keep misery to the minimum.

BRENNAN: Oh, that's inspiring.

HOUSE: You said you came back to get married. What does
your fiance do?

BRENNAN: She's a court reporter.

HOUSE: Uh-huh, well I'm sure Thailand will have courts any
day now. Someone's going to be miserable sometime.
Accept it. It's how I stay so happy.

BRENNAN: Why do you care if I stay?
HOUSE: You're good. Don't screw it up just because you're
miserable.

BRENNAN: I'm going to stay until the patient's cured. Which
should be in about... an hour. [Leaves.]

[Cut to Kutner and Amber with the patient.]

KUTNER: You okay?

PATIENT: Not okay.

AMBER: Which one of us is he mirroring?

KUTNER: Well if it was you, he'd be inflicting pain on
someone else, so... [Pulls the sheets off his bed. The
patients legs look like his hand did earlier in the OR.] I'd say
he's mimicking whichever one of us happens to be dying.
[Patient groans.]

[Cut to view of patient sitting in a hot tub, then to everyone
in the lecture theatre.]

KUTNER: Heating blanket wasn't keeping him warm
enough. Ordered a whirlpool, got his blood flowing. So far,
it's keeping his rash at bay.

HOUSE: Rash worse equals cold agglutinins worse. Means
what was in his liver wasn't fungus.

BRENNAN: Yeah, labs confirmed...

AMBER: That it wasn't even pus, it was just coagulated
blood caused by the cold agglutinins.

HOUSE: Which you [Points at Brennan] mistook for a cool
fungus that you saw after the tsunami.

BRENNAN: Same consistency...

HOUSE: You saw what you wanted to see, not what was
there. Wait a second. Didn't you quit?

BRENNAN: I spoke to my fiance, I'm staying.

HOUSE: Of course you are. Because you're the exact right
amount of miserable.

FOREMAN: Broad spectrum antibiotics aren't working. It's
got to be viral or exotic bacteria.

TAUB: There are a thousand microbes it could be.

KUTNER: We could repeat all the cultures, maybe we just
missed it.

HOUSE: Or... we can get an accurate history. [Dials a
number on his phone.]

[We see 13 and Cole standing outside a car impound. Two
dogs are standing on the other side of the fence barking at
them. Cole is hiding pills in some mince. 13 answers the
phone.]

13: We're working on it.

HOUSE: Well that'll be a good solace to the widow X.

13: His car was towed and the tow gate's locked. The guys
must be out on a run.

HOUSE: That's why I sent two of you. One of you breaks in,
the other posts bail.

13: Getting arrested is not what I'm worried about.

HOUSE: Not a problem. You know how to kill dogs right?

[They both hang up, Cole throws the meat over the fence,
the dogs run after it. Cut back to the lecture theatre.]

FOREMAN: So, back to repeating all the cultures.

HOUSE: Or... we get an accurate history.

TAUB: Didn't we just rule out that possibility?

HOUSE: You guys ever heard any of my metaphors yet?
Come on. [Sits down on the edge of the desk.] Sit on
grandpa's lap as I tell you how infections are criminals, the
immune system's the police... Seriously, grumpy, get up
here. [Pats the desk beside him.] It'll make us both happy.
[Brennan looks unsure of whether to go or not but stays
put.] Anyway, cops don't just let crooks run free. They keep
fingerprints, mug shots. The immune system does the same
thing, only it calls them antibodies. We find out what
diseases he's had in his life, good chance that'll tell us
where he's been in his life. Alice. [Points to Kutner.] Your
turn through the looking glass. Draw blood and CSF.

[The fellows all start to leave.]

FOREMAN: Wait, guys. I haven't signed off on this.
[Everyone stops, looks at Foreman, then looks at House,
who is ignoring them, then they leave, except for Taub who
walks up to Foreman.]

TAUB: You seem like a good guy, Cuddy seems decent.
House... doesn't. It means either you're going to give in, or
Cuddy is. Either way... I'm sorry. [Leaves.]

[Cut to Cameron pulling a bullet out of someone's thigh in
ER.]

FOREMAN: Your boyfriend has me at even odds.

CAMERON: So... Talk to him.

FOREMAN: I did. He said he's just responding to market
forces.

CAMERON: He is. I got a hundred on you. [Foreman rolls his
eyes and starts to walk away.] What do you care what other
people are betting on?

FOREMAN: If he's trying to screw with me because he's
jealous Cuddy didn't ask him to take this job...

CAMERON: Right. You're figuring he's jealous of your
misery.

FOREMAN: He's messed up enough to...

CAMERON: The problem is you're not miserable.

FOREMAN: Then House has been wasting a lot of time.

CAMERON: You've been humiliated, treated like crap.
You've every right to be miserable, but you're not, because
even though this job is insane and House is insane, you like
it. You always have.

FOREMAN: You know what's worse than a sanctimonious
speech? A sanctimonious speech that's dead wrong.

CAMERON: See? You belong with House.

[Cut to Kutner sticking a needle into the patients back who
is in a hot tub.]

KUTNER: We're going to use your spinal fluid to tell us
where you lived.

PATIENT: Cool.

KUTNER: Not really. It's a poor substitute for an actual
history, and without...

PATIENT: Nah, it's cool.

KUTNER: [Smiles.] Yes, it is. I need you to stay as still as
possible. Ignore the pain.

PATIENT: Bring the pain. [Grimaces.]

KUTNER: I'm not a masochist.

PATIENT: Either am I.

KUTNER: I know, but I was responding to you responding
to... Never mind. I just like experience. If it's new, it's
interesting.

PATIENT: Yeah? Not me. I don't just like new. I've got to
have new. If it's not there, I make it there.

KUTNER: Really, I'm just easily bored.

PATIENT: There are 300 million people in this country. If I'm
doing exactly what everyone else is doing, then who the
hell am I? You know what I mean?

KUTNER: I'm just about finished.

PATIENT: I like hot tubs. They're nice.

[Cut to Cuddy in House's office looking for House's Vicodin
stash, Wilson walks in and makes her jump.]

CUDDY: You don't knock?

WILSON: Are you putting KY jelly on his phone receiver? An
exploding snake in his drawer?

CUDDY: No. I'm replacing his Vicodin stash with laxatives.

WILSON: Don't. Don't stoop to his level.

CUDDY: Why? Because he's suddenly going to realise he's
no longer 14? Either I take his garbage forever, or I give him
a reason to stop.

WILSON: You don't have to make him miserable. Just...
make him think that he's won.

CUDDY: I'm not going to fire Foreman.

WILSON: I said THINK he's won. Find some other way to
soothe his ego. The thing's big enough. You must be able to
find some corner to polish.

CUDDY: [Putting away the pills.] Where were you two hours
ago?

WILSON: Where were you?

[Cut to sound of toilet flushing and House walking out of
the toilet. Brennan and Foreman are waiting for him.]

HOUSE: What do you have?

BRENNAN: High titers to histoplasmosis.

HOUSE: Probably lived in the Ohio river valley.

BRENNAN: Also weakly positive on coccidiomycosis.

HOUSE: Weak means older. Means he moved to Ohio from
the San Joaquin valley.

FOREMAN: Or he happened to visit California.

BRENNAN: He's also positive for chagas disease.

HOUSE: Central America.

FOREMAN: Or he kissed his maid from El Salvador. Or he sat
next to someone from Belize on a flight to Weehawken or
he ate lettuce from Honduras...

HOUSE: Yes! You're right, buzz kill. This tells us next to
nothing. But since that's on the something side of nothing,
thought we'd go with it.

[Kutner walks up to House.]

KUTNER: His rash is back. Hot tub isn't hot enough to keep
his body warm.

HOUSE: So we take his body out of the picture. Let's hit it
from the inside. Lipopolysaccharide.

[Kutner and Brennan leave to give the treatment, House
quickly walks back to the toilet.]

[Cut to Foreman standing outside the cubicle.]

FOREMAN: LPS won't just give him a fever. He could hit
110, fry his brain.

HOUSE: Or make him just toasty enough to keep his blood
flowing free. Like my bowels. You smell that? Not going to
get sweeter.

FOREMAN: You nailed Brennan for seeing what he wanted
to see. You're no different.

HOUSE: But you are. You used to like this stuff. You left
here because you didn't like what you were turning into.
You like who you are now? You like been Cuddy's errand
boy? [Flushes as Foreman leaves.] That was just a courtesy
flush. I'm not actually done.

[Cut to Cuddy and House in the hallway.]

CUDDY: You want to induce a fever?

HOUSE: Unless you're willing to don a white T-shirt and hop
into the hot tub with him, I need another way to keep him
warm, or he dies.

CUDDY: You could maim him.

HOUSE: I could cure him.

CUDDY: I'm not letting you do it.

HOUSE: You going to fire me?

CUDDY: No. [House walks away.]

HOUSE: Wait a second. What the hell was that? You were
won over by my soaring rhetoric? I basically just threatened
to hold my breath... You never intended to stop me. You
just pretended to stop me, so you could pretend to fail to
stop me, so you could stroke my ego. Uh-Uh. War doesn't
end till Foreman's gone.

CUDDY: Foreman's not going anywhere.

HOUSE: And... I know when my Vicodin isn't Vicodin. Do
you know when your birth control pills aren't birth control
pills? [Leaves Cuddy looking worried.]

[Cut to Foreman with the patient who is still in the hot tub.]

FOREMAN: If we can keep your fever up, we can get you
back on dry land. You feeling okay?

PATIENT: Surprisingly, yeah, I feel pretty good.

FOREMAN: That's not the way fevers usually work.

PATIENT: Nothing around here works the way it's supposed
to work.

FOREMAN: No kidding.

PATIENT: You're giving me a fever. Doctors don't give
people fevers.

FOREMAN: It was necessary to keep your blood flowing.

PATIENT: Yeah. It was necessary. And that was all that
mattered. It's exciting, isn't it?

FOREMAN: You're happy?

PATIENT: [Laughs.] Why wouldn't I be? [Collapses. Monitors
go off.]

FOREMAN: Oh hey. [Feels for a pulse.] Hey, you with me?
[Runs to the door.] I need help in here! [Two nurses, Taub
and Kutner come running in.] V-fib. We've got to shock him.

TAUB: Get him out of the water.

KUTNER: How long's he been out?

FOREMAN: Just a few seconds. [They pull him out of the tub
and onto the bed and start trying to dry him.]

KUTNER: He's dry enough.

TAUB: Not yet!

KUTNER: Dry faster.

FOREMAN: Ten more seconds.

KUTNER: He'll get brain damage, you need...

FOREMAN: Kutner you'll...

TAUB: Wait.

KUTNER: He's dry enough. Clear. [Shocks the patient and
goes flying backwards.]

TAUB: [Feeling the patient for a pulse.] It worked.

FOREMAN: For one of them. [Looks at Kutner who is
unconscious on the floor.]

[Cut to the lecture theatre.]

TAUB: Cardiac arrest. We were able to shock him back to a
normal sinus rhythm and Kutner nearly into a coma.

HOUSE: So now you've electrocuted yourself and set a
patient on fire. I like the dedication.

KUTNER: Thank you.

TAUB: It wasn't a compliment.

HOUSE: Yeah, it was. The insult comes now. You're insane!
You either have an aversion to towels, or you want pain. I
think both. I'm thinking it goes back to high school gym...

FOREMAN: Anybody think we should discuss which
infection is causing the cold agglutinins before they stop his
heart again?

HOUSE: Sure, why not?

TAUB: Until they find his car, we have to assume he's
travelled to Ohio, California, Central America, and possibly
Weehawken.

AMBER: Nothing on the blood cultures.

HOUSE: Do them again. Quadruple run time. [Everyone
starts to get up.]

FOREMAN: We know the infection is in his heart. We do a
biopsy, we see polys, we got bacterial. Lymphs, we got viral.

BRENNAN: He just had a heart attack. Ripping out a piece
might kill him.

FOREMAN: Yeah, yeah... We biopsy his toe instead!

HOUSE: No! That's a terrible idea. Won't tell us anything.
Biopsy his heart. Come on, I'll join you.

[House and Foreman leave.]

[Cut to House and Foreman in the elevator.]

HOUSE: I got you a job. Mount Zion hospital in Boston.

FOREMAN: They have a great diagnostics department.

HOUSE: Gilchrist said he'd take you anyway.

FOREMAN: That was... Very nice of you.

HOUSE: Oh, god. Does everything have to be about you? It's
simple math. I'm not going to back down. You're not going
to back down. Cuddy's not going to back down. No one's
going to be happy here. And Cuddy's going end up
pregnant. [Elevator dings.]

FOREMAN: What? [The exit the elevator.]

HOUSE: Doesn't matter.

FOREMAN: Are you saying? What does you having sex
with...

HOUSE: Starts Monday. I could help you pack.

FOREMAN: I don't want the job. [House stops walking.]

HOUSE: What? Why not? You're miserable.

FOREMAN: Apparently not.

HOUSE: Well, you're going to be. [Foreman smiles.] Are you
smiling?

FOREMAN: No.

HOUSE: Do your own stupid biopsy.

[Foreman smiles as he walks off.]

[Cut to House entering his office where Cole and 13 are
waiting for him.]

13: His name's Robert Elliot. He's from Hamilton, Ohio.

COLE: Here's everything he had in his trunk and in his glove
box.

HOUSE: [Looks inside the box.] No need for the heart
biopsy. I now know exactly who he is and what he has. You
saved his life.

COLE: Really?

HOUSE: No, you idiot. It's vapour rub and lunch receipts.

COLE: We have his name. We can find his doctor, get his
medical records.

HOUSE: It's 8:00 at night. The biopsy will be faster. Not fast
enough to save him, but that's hardly the point. [13 and
Cole start to leave.] Thirteen. [They both turn around.] [To
Cole.] Is your name Thirteen? [Cole leaves.] Why did you
volunteer to go street walking?

13: I thought I could help that way.

HOUSE: A black Mormon could help that way. There's no
reason for you to want to be there. Which means there's a
reason you didn't want to be here. Didn't want to look in
the mirror?

[House leaves, 13 follows.]

[Cut to House and 13 entering the patients room while
Foreman is doing something.]

HOUSE: Hi. Cuddy called. She needs you to iron her shirts.
We'll take over. [Pushes 13 forward.] Go ahead. [Motions
for Foreman to leave. He does so. 13 moves close to the
patient while still putting her gloves on.] Talk to him.

13: Uh... you might feel a little tug when the catheter's in
the heart.

HOUSE: Come on. Make him feel comfortable.

13: I've done this procedure dozens of times. It's
completely...

PATIENT: My god. You are incredibly hot.

HOUSE: I'm not here, deal with her. [13 smiles.]

PATIENT: Are you an idiot? Do you not think she's hot?

HOUSE: I'm not the alpha here. She is. She's my boss.

13: [Looking at the patient hand.] The rash is back.

HOUSE: Increase the drip. If... you think that's the right
thing to do.

PATIENT: This is so frustrating.

13: I don't think that's me.

[House leaves the room and walks over to Kutner.]

HOUSE: Hey. Get in there, see how he's doing.

KUTNER: You were just in there.

HOUSE: Well, apparently, it's impossible to see anything
else while I'm in there. I'm a blinding white hot light of
power.

[Cut back to 13 with the patient.]

13: Got it. Pink. Good size. Nice specimen.

PATIENT: I'm scared.

13: It's ok, it's going to be ok.

PATIENT: No. No, it's not.

[Cut back to House and Kutner still outside the room.]

HOUSE: No, I'm not interested in how he's doing. I'm
interested in how she's doing. So get in there and tell me
how he's doing.

KUTNER: You think he'll mimic her if I'm in there with her?

HOUSE: You're a powerful, dominating man, but who
knows?

KUTNER: So I'm going to get fired before her.

HOUSE: Yes, you're going to get fired right now unless you
get in there... [13 walks out.]

13: Nothing on the biopsy.

HOUSE: And how is he?

13: His fever's at 106...

HOUSE: I know. But how is he? Bitter? Sexually frustrated?

13: He's delightful. Loves the smell of freshly baked rhubarb
pie and isn't afraid to love. Also, his rash is coming back.

KUTNER: He needs the meds and the tub. Just to keep him
stable.

HOUSE: Fine. Soak him again.

KUTNER: He'll be happy. Loves hot tubs.

HOUSE: No, you love hot tubs. Find the rest of the gang, tell
them to meet me at the lecture hall.

KUTNER: [Mumbles.] Hate hot tubs.

HOUSE: What did you say?

KUTNER: I hate...

HOUSE: He likes. Who else was in there?

KUTNER: No-one.

HOUSE: You didn't think to mention that?

KUTNER: The guy likes warm, swirling water. I didn't know
that was diagnostic.

HOUSE: It's not. What it is, is the water hit him and he had a
thought. Not about you, but about him. We need to splash
him some more.

[Cut to House walking in to the patients room dressed in
the patients clothes, polished leather shoes, brown pants, a
sports jacket. Hair brushed, no cane. Twirling the patients
car keys and carrying the box of stuff they got from his car.]

PATIENT: Do I know you?

HOUSE: You look familiar.

PATIENT: You too.

HOUSE: My name's Robert Elliot. I'm from Hamilton Ohio.

PATIENT: Me too. What do you do?

HOUSE: Stuff.

PATIENT: Me too.

HOUSE: What brings you to New Jersey? Is it work or
vacation?

PATIENT: Uh... Work.

HOUSE: What type of work?

PATIENT: I'm tired.

[House looks down at the patients hand, the rash is back.
Looks at the monitor, it shows his fever is at 107.]

HOUSE: I eat out a lot. In a lot of restaurants. [Opens the
box starts pulling out receipts.] Notty pine. Ritchies.

PATIENT: I know those places.

HOUSE: They're good huh?

PATIENT: They're convenient.

HOUSE: For what?

PATIENT: They're on the road.

HOUSE: You on the road a lot?

PATIENT: No more than you I suppose.

HOUSE: [Pulls out the vapour rub.] You ever use this stuff? I
use it all the time.[Smells it.]

PATIENT: I use it all the time.

HOUSE: Yeah. I just said that. You know, the cool thing
about this stuff is... You can do a lot with it. Soften your
skin, treat scrapes. Naughty stuff. [House holds it out for
the patient. The patient takes it and rubs some under his
nose then breathes in deeply.] Why did you do that?

PATIENT: Because... It doesn't smell like dung.

HOUSE: You're saying you like the smell?

PATIENT: Not really. Just doesn't smell like dung.

HOUSE: Something else does smell like dung?

PATIENT: Yeah. Dung.

[Cut to House leaving the patients room. Looks at Foreman,
13 and Kutner, who are waiting for him.]

HOUSE: You guys ready? Now is the time you stare at me, in
slack-jawed amazement. He sells farm equipment. [They
look surprised.] See? Pig lagoons, pig farms. [Takes off the
jacket.] And, as every child knows, where you have pigs,
you have pig poo. [Roughs up his hair.] But as very few
children know, where you have pig poo, you have
eperythrozoon infection.

13: We'll start him on clarithromycin. [Hands House his
cane.]

HOUSE: This time tomorrow, he'll be back to his old self.
Whoever that might be.

[Everyone but Foreman start to go.]

FOREMAN: It can wait.

KUTNER: He has a temperature of 107.

FOREMAN: It can wait 15 minutes. [To House.] You know
where Cuddy is?

[Cut to House and Cuddy in the patients room.]

CUDDY: Hi, I'm the Dean of Medicine.

HOUSE: Hi, I'm the guy who saved your life.

[Wilson, Foreman and the numbers are watching through
the window.]

WILSON: So what if it's House?

FOREMAN: Then I take the job at Mount Zion.
WILSON: There is no job at Mount Zion.
FOREMAN: House said that...
WILSON: Well if House said it, it must be true.
[Back inside.]
CUDDY: I can fire him. I can fire him now. I can fire him
tomorrow. I don't even need a reason.
HOUSE: She doesn't fire me, she never will fire me, she
needs me.
CUDDY: He's a good doctor. That's all. I respect his
expertise, and I...
HOUSE: She's hot for me. Always...
PATIENT: Shut up!
CUDDY: Well, that could have been either of us.
PATIENT: [Looks at Cuddy.] You have great yabos. [House
looks at Cuddy.]
CUDDY: That still could have been either of us. [Looks at
House.]
HOUSE: You lose.
CUDDY: Seriously... [House starts celebrating.] I have always
thought my breasts were one of my best features.
FOREMAN: Damn. [House continues celebrating.]
[Cut to House addressing the numbers in the lecture
theatre. While practically the whole hospital watches on at
the back.]
HOUSE: You all suck. The two of you, [Points to Cole and 13]
took 14 hours to find a car. You, [Kutner.] forgot to mention
that the guy with no memory, had memories. You
[Brennan.] keep on thinking, that insane guys have hidden
wisdom. You're going to wind up shooting people on the
subway. [Looks at the other two.] Something.
TAUB: So, which one of us sucks the most?
HOUSE: It's a tie.
AMBER: Between?
HOUSE: All of you.
AMBER: We're all fired?
HOUSE: None of you are fired. [The numbers breathe a big
sigh of relief. Everyone standing at the back leaves
disappointed, except Chase who smiles.]
[Cut to House leaving, Foreman follows.]
FOREMAN: That was nice of you.
HOUSE: Sure.
FOREMAN: Why didn't you fire anyone?
HOUSE: They're good doctors.
FOREMAN: Right, why didn't you let Brennan quit?
HOUSE: He's a good doctor.
FOREMAN: Right... By not letting anyone go, you made six
people happy and one person happy and rich. Chase won
every one of those bets, so either you're just really nice or
what's your cut?
HOUSE: 50%... How bad you want to keep your job?
FOREMAN: I'll keep my mouth shut
HOUSE: Hey.. You actually do want to stay, don't you?
FOREMAN: I think I do.
HOUSE: Everyone of those idiots, got some insight about
themselves from the pig salesman. Not one of them did
anything about it. People don't learn, they don't change,
but you did. You're a freak! [Foreman laughs.]


406 - Whatever It Takes
[Drag Race Track. Day. A blue dragster revs up noisily and
makes its way to the starting line. Officials walk about,
preparing for the start of the race. An announcer's
disembodied voice is heard]

ANNOUNCER'S VOICE: [vo] And now, coming to the line,
last year's rookie of the year, Casey Alfonso!

[The crowd cheers loudly, as the camera focuses on the red
dragster]

ANNOUNCER'S VOICE: [vo] And in lane two, nine times
national champion, Tony Cooper!

[The camera focuses on the blue dragster]

ANNOUNCER'S VOICE: [vo] Tony's on his line down in lane
two. And now Caseys approaching the line.

[Casey's red dragster comes up to the line. Her father, Lou
Alfonso, leans forward to have a pre-race talk with her]

LOU ALFONSO: [shouting over the noise] How do you feel?

CASEY ALFONSO: [raising her helmet visor, pumped] Great.

LOU ALFONSO: I feel like throwing up my guts.

CASEY ALFONSO: You always feel like throwing up. Come
on, dad, let's get this digger on the line.

LOU ALFONSO: You sure you don't wanna go to law school?

CASEY ALFONSO: I hate lawyers.

LOU ALFONSO: [that's what he wants to hear] Yeah, so do I.
Go get 'em baby!

[They bump fists. Casey lowers her visor and prepares for
the race, as Lou backs away]

ANNOUNCER'S VOICE: [vo] Okay, looks like we're ready to
go. Let's hear it, folks!

[The crowd obliges him with a loud cheer]

[CASEY'S POV: Her hands on the steering wheel, anxious to
start]

[And they're off! The camera pans around Casey as she
races. Tony and she are neck and neck. She notices Tony
pulling slightly ahead. She ups the gear and speeds up
more]

[CASEY'S POV: All of a sudden, everything is in slow motion.
Her hand ups the gear and moves to the wheel. Everything
returns to normal speed shortly]

[Casey's car just about manages to beat Tony's by a short
margin]

ANNOUNCER'S VOICE: [excited, vo] And it's Casey Alfonso
by less than half a car length!

[The crowd applauds and cheers. The cars' parachutes
deploy, slowing them down to a stop]

ANNOUNCER'S VOICE: [vo] What a spectacular finish for the
young phenom.

[The board shows "4.547 sec" and "327.43 mph"]

[Later, a reporter interviews to an elated Casey, with a
camera crew present]

REPORTER: Casey Alfonso with an amazing finish. What'd
you do at the end there?

CASEY ALFONSO: [breathless] Yeah, [chuckles] at about two
hundred and fifty feet, the car got out of shape a bit.

[An SUV pulls up. Her proud father exits and watches his
daughter exult in her victory]

CASEY ALFONSO: [charged up] But about halfway down... I
just got into the zone or something. I pedaled it back into
the groove! It was the coolest ride of my life!

REPORTER: How does it feel to beat nine-time national
champion Tony Cooper?

[As he speaks, his voice gets deep and slow (like a tape
recorder running on low battery)]

[CASEY'S POV: His head moves in slow motion]

CASEY ALFONSO: [still smiling, uneasy] I'm sorry. Can you
repeat that?

[CASEY'S POV: She looks towards her ecstatic father,
jumping for joy, and walking over, in slow motion]

REPORTER: [deep, slow, distorted] How does it feel to beat
nine-time national champion, Tony Cooper?

[Casey's legs buckle and she drops to the ground,
unconscious. The announcer tries to help her]

REPORTER: [concerned] Casey! Casey! Casey!

[Lou runs over, pushing the reporter out of the way]

LOU ALFONSO: Out of the way! Out of the way. Casey.
Casey! [to the guy nearby] Get the ambulance! Brian, get
the ambulance!

[Casey doesn't move]

LOU ALFONSO: [scared] Casey...


[Cut to, Princeton Plainsboro Teaching Hospital,
Auditorium. Day. Dr. GregoryHouse limps/paces about as
his new Fellows and Dr. Eric Foreman try to get him to treat
a patient. Dr... "Thirteen" speaks]

"THIRTEEN": Sixty-eight-year-old male, non-smoker.

GREG HOUSE: [uninterested] Ah, sixty-eight's a good run.
That'll leave something in the lockbox for the rest of us.
Next!

[He holds a Tupperware case]

JEFFREY COLE: That's your breakfast?

GREG HOUSE: Technically, it's Wilson's lunch.

AMBER VOLAKIS: Twenty-month-old baby, persistent rash,
fever...

GREG HOUSE: [cuts her off] Too much crying.

CHRIS TAUB: Female college student with...

GREG HOUSE: [cuts him off] Too much drama.

ERIC FOREMAN: You don't care about the crying or the
drama 'cause you won't see the patient. And you'd treat
Methuselah if his snot had an interesting color. It means
you've already decided which case you wanna take next.

GREG HOUSE: Tell me about Speed Racer.

[Dr. Travis Brennan speaks]

TRAVIS BRENNAN: Female, seizure with visual and auditory
processing deficiency. I did a consult and...

GREG HOUSE: [interrupts] What kind of race car?

TRAVIS BRENNAN: Dragster.

GREG HOUSE: [interested] Continue.

JEFFREY COLE: You're gonna take a case based on the car
she drives?

GREG HOUSE: Nothing says "thanks for saving my life" like a
test drive in a car that accelerates faster than a space
shuttle.

ERIC FOREMAN: You can't save her life, 'cause she's not
dying. Her lab shows signs of dehydration. Means the
problem's just likely... heatstroke.

GREG HOUSE: Kinda hard to get heat-struck in four-and-a-
half seconds.

ERIC FOREMAN: Not when you're wearing a three-layer
fireproof suit.

[The door to the auditorium opens. House looks up and
sees a guy in a black suit enter (Agent Smith)]

AGENT SMITH: Excuse me.

[The Fellows turn to the Suit]

AGENT SMITH: [walking towards them] Dr. House?

[The Fellows look at House apprehensively]

GREG HOUSE: No, lazy ass called in sick again. We can give
him a message.

[The Suit pulls out a picture of House's frowning face]

AGENT SMITH: May we talk in private?

[House stares at him for a moment. The Fellows and
Foreman wonder what kind of trouble House may be in, not
that they seem worried. House nods and stands up, getting
his "bitchin' cane"]

GREG HOUSE: So... either it's heatstroke, in which case we
take the afternoon off, or it's one of the diagnoses that you
guys are gonna have for me in... two minutes. [to Foreman]
You're in charge.

ERIC FOREMAN: I know.

[House throws him a look and goes into the next room,
followed by the Suit. Foreman stands and prepares to go
forward with their new case. The Fellows seem more
interested in House's new suit-clad visitor]

CHRIS TAUB: Cop?

"THIRTEEN": He's not packing.

AMBER VOLAKIS: Your dad's either a cop or a security
guard.

LAWRENCE KUTNER: Or she carries a weapon.

["Thirteen" only smiles]


[In the next room, Agent Smith flashes his CIA ID to House]

GREG HOUSE: [yeah, right] You're with the CIA?

AGENT SMITH: One of our employees just returned from an
assignment sick. We believe he may be the victim of an
assassination attempt.

[House lower-lip-pouts skeptically and looks at the Fellows
in the auditorium]

GREG HOUSE: Sure. You wanna close the door?

[House sits]

AGENT SMITH: [confused] Door?

GREG HOUSE: Well, I assume you're gonna drop trou at
some point during the dance. I don't see why I should
share.

AGENT SMITH: This isn't a joke. If you're willing to help us,
we need to leave now.

GREG HOUSE: If I have to walk somewhere, there better be
at least five girls involved. And they better be working their
way through college.

[Agent Smith frowns as House limps outside to the
auditorium]

GREG HOUSE: [to the Fellows] Okay, what do you got?

TRAVIS BRENNAN: Hereditary brain disorder, transient
ischemia, or paraneoplastic syndrome. None of those go
away with IV fluids. It's heatstroke.

GREG HOUSE: Or Cushing's or calcium deficiency.

LAWRENCE KUTNER: [re: Agent Smith] Who's your friend?

GREG HOUSE: We use the term "life partner".

[Agent Smith doesn't like that term much. House puts on
his coat, preparing to leave]

GREG HOUSE: Get a fresh history, neurological exam, and
an MRI of her head. [following Smith out] Fifteen minutes
for the lap dance, a half hour to scrub the guilt off my soul.
[checks his watch] See you in forty-five.

[He leaves]


[Cut to, PPTH Stairwell. Day. Agent Smith opens the door
for House, who limps behind him]

AGENT SMITH: Dr. House, we need to hurry.

GREG HOUSE: Yeah, we need to hurry.

[He starts laboring up the stairs, following Smith]

GREG HOUSE: Little advice, I mean, obviously the Village
People played out the whole cop thing. But, come on, CIA?
Do you seriously expect anyone to believe that?

[Smith opens the door to the terrace. Outside, on the
helipad, stands a CIA helicopter, ready to fly. House looks at
the bird, his skepticism dissolving. Agent Smith looks at him,
a smug smile on his face]

AGENT SMITH: It helps when you have props.

[They go towards the helo]



[Cut to, Casey's Room. Day. Foreman and Brennan attend
to Casey. Brennan slowly moves his pen in front of Casey's
eyes]

TRAVIS BRENNAN: Keep your eye on my pen.

[Casey follows the pen with her eyes]

TRAVIS BRENNAN: Very good.

ERIC FOREMAN: Any nausea or vomiting before the
seizure?

CASEY ALFONSO: [shaking her head] No. My dad had some,
but he's always like that before a race.

ERIC FOREMAN: It coulda been food poisoning. You two eat
breakfast together?

CASEY ALFONSO: No.

[Brennan checks her leg]

TRAVIS BRENNAN: Any history of sciatica or spinal injury?

CASEY ALFONSO: No.

TRAVIS BRENNAN: [to Foreman] Abnormal deep tendon
reflex.

ERIC FOREMAN: Really? Let me see.

[Brennan hands him the plexor (hammer to check reflexes).
Foreman taps her]

ERIC FOREMAN: It's there.

TRAVIS BRENNAN: I didn't say it wasn't there. I said it was
abnormal.

ERIC FOREMAN: We're gonna give you an MRI to be sure,
but I'm guessing your symptoms were caused by just
dehydration and the heat.

CASEY ALFONSO: [wide-eyed] You're guessing? Look, I make
a living driving three hundred miles an hour, which makes
the ability to stay conscious kind of important.

ERIC FOREMAN: [comforting] I'm sure it's just heatstroke.
But we're gonna do an MRI to be extra careful.

[Brennan doesn't seem to agree. Foreman leaves. He looks
at Casey and smiles at her]


[Cut to, Private Jet. Day. As the plane flies, House, seated,
gulps down a packet of peanuts. "Whatta Man" (by Salt-N-
Pepa Featuring En Vogue) is heard. It's House's cell phone]

AGENT SMITH: You said you left your cell in your office.

GREG HOUSE: I lied.

AGENT SMITH: [smiles wryly] I wasn't going to take it, just
tell you to turn it off for takeoff.

GREG HOUSE: I know... just wanted to see if you could tell
that I was lying. Useful information.

[He answers his phone]

GREG HOUSE: [into phone] Yeah?


[Diagnostic's Office. Day. Foreman sits in front of the
phone, while Brennan stands behind]

ERIC FOREMAN: Where are you?

GREG HOUSE: I'm on a top-secret mission for the CIA.

ERIC FOREMAN: [deadpan] Right. There was nothing on
your racecar driver's CT, and the history and physical were
normal.

TRAVIS BRENNAN: Her deep tendon reflexes seemed a bit
weak to me.

GREG HOUSE: [from phone] Areflexia could mean Miller-
Fisher.

ERIC FOREMAN: Yes, areflexia could mean Miller-Fisher, but
since the reflex was weak, not absent, doesn't mean
anything. I'm releasing her. You can go back to your poker
game.

GREG HOUSE: [into phone] Poker's illegal. CIA would never
allow illegal activity...

[The phone rings. Foreman disconnects from House and
answers it]

"THIRTEEN": [from phone] Have you considered Miller-
Fisher?

[Foreman picks up the receiver and puts it to his ear]

ERIC FOREMAN: [into phone] Why? What happened?


[Casey's Room. Day. "Thirteen" speaks on her phone to
Foreman, while behind her, Kutner checks up on Casey,
while Lou stands nearby]

"THIRTEEN": [into phone] She just had another seizure.

[Kutner, using an illuminated magnifying glass, peers into
her eye. He wide-open left eye is vibrating vertically like
crazy]

"THIRTEEN": [into phone, vo] And now she's getting a
vertical nystagmus.

[CG POV: The camera zooms into her eye, past the optic
nerve (through which electrical impulses travel at regular
intervals. Inside, the eyeball oscillates jerkily. Then it stops]


[Later in Casey's Room, Foreman speaks to Casey. Brennan
(full of "told-you-so" attitude) stands nearby]

ERIC FOREMAN: [to Casey] We think it's Miller-Fisher, an
inflammatory process. In rare cases, it can cause respiratory
failure, but...

LOU ALFONSO: Wait, she could stop breathing?

CASEY ALFONSO: You said there was nothing wrong. You
said you were sure.

ERIC FOREMAN: You just had another seizure. Clearly,
there's something wrong.

CASEY ALFONSO: So why should I trust you to figure out
what it is? [sits up in bed] Where's Dr. House? I'm at this
hospital bec...

ERIC FOREMAN: It's gonna be all right. We just need to start
the plasmapheresis.
CASEY ALFONSO: No! It's not going to be all right, because
you obviously don't have a clue what you're doing.

[Foreman tries to reason with her, but she starts ripping off
the sensors on her. The monitors start beeping, due to the
lot signal]

CASEY ALFONSO: I'm not letting you touch me.

LOU ALFONSO: [trying to stop her] Honey, come on.

CASEY ALFONSO: I wanna see House! Where is he?

[Foreman shakes his head in frustration]


[Cut to, CIA Hospital. Day. House and Agent Smith enter the
hallway and make their way towards a room]

GREG HOUSE: [re: the hospital] Looks a lot better on '24'.

[They enter the room. They are greeted by a a striking lady,
who stands at her desk]

GREG HOUSE: [to Smith] I take that back.

[The lady steps forward from behind her desk and
introduces herself to House, shaking his hand]

SAMIRA TERZI: Dr. Samira Terzi. It's a pleasure to meet you,
Dr. House. We really appreciate the consult on such short
notice.

GREG HOUSE: There's nothing that gives me more pleasure
than helping out a colleague.

[Terzi points out another guy sitting on the nearby couch]

SAMIRA TERZI: This is Dr. Sidney Curtis from the Mayo
Clinic. He's also agreed to help with the diagnosis.

[Curtis stands]

SIDNEY CURTIS: [holding out his hand] Dr. House.

["Whatta man" is heard as House's cell phone rings. He
takes it out]

GREG HOUSE: "Curtis on Immunology" Sidney Curtis?

SIDNEY CURTIS: [pleased] Oh, you've read it?

GREG HOUSE: Nope! But it is keeping my piano level.

[House opens his clamshell phone to see the caller is
"Cutthroat Bitch". Not answering, he shuts the phone]

GREG HOUSE: So... where is the poor, sick fella?


[Cut to Diagnostics Office. Day. Dr. Amber Volakis shakes
her head and pulls her phone from her ear, peeved.
Foreman paces about, while the Fellows sit around the
glass table]

TRAVIS BRENNAN: What do we do?

ERIC FOREMAN: I don't know yet.

TRAVIS BRENNAN: She needs treatment.

AMBER VOLAKIS: This is a test, right? You're reporting back
to him everything we do.

ERIC FOREMAN: [deadpan] Yeah. And I asked the patient to
be uncooperative. Personally, I think she overplayed it.

TRAVIS BRENNAN: She's being uncooperative because you
made us all look like idiots.

ERIC FOREMAN: We're only gonna look like idiots if we can't
figure out how to get her to agree to the treatment.

JEFFREY COLE: What would House do right now?

"THIRTEEN": [smirks] Pop a pill, insult us, and trick the
patient.

LAWRENCE KUTNER: [hopefully] We can do that last part.
She's never met House before, has she? Who's got a cane?

ERIC FOREMAN: House isn't here. We're not gonna act like
him.

[He walks out]


[Cut to Casey's Room. Day. Casey stirs and sees Foreman
entering]

CASEY ALFONSO: What do you want?

ERIC FOREMAN: I, uh... I'm gonna do what doctors aren't
supposed to do. Admit I made a mistake. I shouldn't have
been so quick to dismiss your symptoms. But you need to
let us start the plasmapheresis.

CASEY ALFONSO: [repeating, fading voice] What do you
want?

LOU ALFONSO: Case?

[Casey blacks out, her head swaying to the sides]

LOU ALFONSO: Honey, do you know where you are?

[Foreman checks the monitors and checks her temperature]

ERIC FOREMAN: She's burning up.

LOU ALFONSO: Start the treatment.

ERIC FOREMAN: We can't.

LOU ALFONSO: You've got my permission. She's obviously
confused.

ERIC FOREMAN: It doesn't matter anymore. Miller-Fisher
doesn't cause delirium and fever. [seriously] I don't know
what this is.


[Cut to CIA Hospital. Day. Terzi, followed by House and
Curtis, walks in the hallway]

SAMIRA TERZI: I'm afraid there are going to be some
limitations on his medical history. Just let me know what
you need, and I should be able to provide it.

GREG HOUSE: FYI, my malpractice insurance doesn't cover
alien autopsies.

SAMIRA TERZI: That's fine. X-Files are the next wing over.

SIDNEY CURTIS: Where was the patient when he first felt
ill?

SAMIRA TERZI: Sorry, that's classified. But assume there
aren't too many places in the world John hasn't been. And,
yes, John's a cover name.

SIDNEY CURTIS: And what makes you think it was an
attempt on his life?

SAMIRA TERZI: Sorry, can't tell you that either.

[They stop at a door]

SIDNEY CURTIS: What can you tell us?

GREG HOUSE: Yeah, did Oswald really have sex with
Marilyn Monroe?

[Terzi gives him a hint of a smile and enters the room.
Curtis is not amused. He and House follow her in]




[Cut to John's room. Day. "John" lies unconscious on his
bed, hooked up to monitors. He is sickly thin, with skin
peeling off]

SIDNEY CURTIS: [shocked] Good Lord.

GREG HOUSE: [to Curtis] Very professional.

SAMIRA TERZI: Five days ago, he was 185 pounds. Perfect
health.

[House walks up to John's bed and looks at the patient]

GREG HOUSE: Cool.


[Cut to Diagnostics Office. Day. While the Fellows sit at the
glass table, Foreman stands in front of the whiteboard, on
which is written: "SEIZURE / VISUAL AND AUDITORY /
PROCESSING DEFICIENCY / INTERMITTENT NYSTAGMUS /
AREFLEXIA...". He turns to them]

ERIC FOREMAN: Fever and delirium rule out...

[He stops, seeing Amber still trying to call House]

ERIC FOREMAN: Uh, he's not gonna hire you just because
you call him the most. Especially since it's obvious he
doesn't wanna be called.

[Amber lowers her cell phone]

ERIC FOREMAN: Symptoms rule out Miller-Fisher. MS fits
better.

JEFFREY COLE: Progression's too fast. More likely
meningitis.

ERIC FOREMAN: Areflexia doesn't fit as well with...

"THIRTEEN": Does with amyloidosis.

CHRIS TAUB: That's even slower than MS. It's lupus.

AMBER VOLAKIS: I'm with the little man [Taub] on this one.
It's attacking the body and the brain. Classic autoimmune.

CHRIS TAUB: [to Amber] Flirt all you want, but I should warn
you - Shiksas are for practice.

ERIC FOREMAN: Lupus this aggressive wouldn't spare her
kidneys. It's primarily neurological. Let's start her on...

TRAVIS BRENNAN: [interrupting, looking at MRI] Why no
plaques on her MRI?

ERIC FOREMAN: MRI was inconclusive. So I don't know
why...

TRAVIS BRENNAN: [walking up to him, confrontational] So
now you're sure that it's MS. Just like you were sure it was
Miller-Fisher an hour after you were sure it was heatstroke.

ERIC FOREMAN: The symptoms fit. Start her on interferon.

LAWRENCE KUTNER: We're not gonna score any points with
House if we solve this just by running your errands.

ERIC FOREMAN: I get that you want to be right.

JEFFREY COLE: You don't?

ERIC FOREMAN: I'm just trying to save a patient, not score
points with my boss.

"THIRTEEN": Would it hurt the patient if you let us run
some tests?

[Foreman looks at Brennan, who is staring a hole in him. He
softens]

ERIC FOREMAN: You've got three hours.

[The Fellows get up and leave]


[Cut to CIA Hospital. Day. Terzi leads House and Curtis
through the hallway]

SAMIRA TERZI: We've run six complete tox screens, tested
for every heavy metal, poison, and biological agent we can
think of.

SIDNEY CURTIS: Says here he ate a lot of chestnuts.

[House stops walking and calls out]

GREG HOUSE: Ho-o-old on a second. If the Squirrel
Liberation Army's involved, I'm outta here. Those little
rodents are...

SIDNEY CURTIS: Horse chestnuts are poisonous. If someone
switched them...

GREG HOUSE: Horse chestnuts may look like chestnuts, but
they taste like a horse's lower-than-chestnuts. Which
makes the theory that he accidentally ate a couple of
hundred slightly less persuasive.

[He walks into Terzi's office, followed by Terzi and Curtis]

GREG HOUSE: And seeing as how he was prowling the back
alleys of... [guessing] Tehran?

SAMIRA TERZI: It wasn't Tehran. It was... [deadpan] Oops.
You almost got me.

GREG HOUSE: Unless we know the local environmental
factors, poisonous flora...

SAMIRA TERZI: You know I can't tell you that.

GREG HOUSE: [sits, miffed] Well, then, why are we here?
You might as well just Google "poison".

SAMIRA TERZI: [shrugs in understanding] All they would tell
me is [sits, softly] he spent the last eleven months in
Bolivia.

GREG HOUSE: Who you gonna kill in Bolivia? My old
housekeeper?

SAMIRA TERZI: We don't kill people.

GREG HOUSE: I'm sorry. Who are you gonna marginalize? If
it is my housekeeper, she has it coming. Cleaning the
windows means cleaning both sides. [loudly to Curtis] Am I
right, or am I right?

SIDNEY CURTIS: [irritated] What does it matter what he was
doing? The guy's dying.

GREG HOUSE: Not anymore. I know what's poisoning him.
And who - John.

[House makes a sign of a person drinking, accompanied by
sound effects]

GREG HOUSE: It's just pancreatitis.

SAMIRA TERZI: He's not an alcoholic.

SIDNEY CURTIS: And unless his pancreas is in his fingers...

GREG HOUSE: Spies can't get fungal infections?

SAMIRA TERZI: And the burns on his skin?

LISA CUDDY: Spies can't get sunburns? Bolivia doesn't have
sun?

SIDNEY CURTIS: So, either we go with his theory of the non-
drinking drunk, or he was poisoned by some group with the
resources to make it completely untraceable. Some
customized isotope.

[House says nothing. He just looks at Terzi, hoping she'll
side with him]

SAMIRA TERZI: Let's treat for radiation poisoning.

[House rolls his eyes]


[Cut to CIA Hospital, John's Room. Day. Curtis hooks a
conscious but weak John up to an IV-drip. House lurks in
the background]

SIDNEY CURTIS: The iodine's to protect your thyroid.
Antibiotics are to handle infections. Should start working in
a couple of hours.

GREG HOUSE: We should celebrate. With a beer. Or eight.

JOHN: [hoarsely] I don't drink.

GREG HOUSE: Oh... methinks he doth protest too much.

SIDNEY CURTIS: He's deathly ill. Why would he lie about
drinking?

GREG HOUSE: Guilt over killing a man. Make anyone hit the
sauce.

JOHN: We don't kill people.

GREG HOUSE: Right. You just lie to your friends and family,
establish false identities, trick people into betraying their
country. He'd never cover up his drinking. He's too honest.

[Despite the pain, John turns his head to shoot House a wry
look]

GREG HOUSE: Hey. Something I've always wanted to know.
That poison lipstick that Ginger used to kiss Gilligan. Why
didn't that kill her?

[Curtis looks at House, hardly amused at his remarks. John
is in no mood to humor House, who seems genuinely
interested in knowing.]


[Cut to PPTH Laboratory. Day. Kutner stands on a stool,
announcing the lab results to the Fellows and Foreman]

LAWRENCE KUTNER: Okay, drum roll. [mock-consoling] LP is
negative for meningitis. Sorry, Cole.

[Cole bites his lower lip and nods]

LAWRENCE KUTNER: [to "Thirteen"] Fat pad biopsy is... Oh,
wait for it... [slowly opens the result] negative for
amyloidosis! And "Thirteen" goes down.

["Thirteen" looks defeated]

JEFFREY COLE: Could we hurry this up? My son has...

AMBER VOLAKIS: Can I have a kid too? I'm working too
hard.

CHRIS TAUB: I could hook you up.

AMBER VOLAKIS: If I had two minutes and some anti-
nausea meds, I'd take you up on that.

LAWRENCE KUTNER: And for the gold...

[Foreman, who has had enough of Kutner's theatrics, grabs
the results from him.]

ERIC FOREMAN: Protein 65, glucose 70. It's MS. Start her on
interferon.

LAWRENCE KUTNER: [jumps down] Turn to the last page.
Sed rate's 95. ANA's weakly positive.

AMBER VOLAKIS: Positive? It's lupus.

ERIC FOREMAN: Weakly. Not lupus, it's MS.

CHRIS TAUB: We obviously don't know what it is. Treat for
both.

ERIC FOREMAN: No. I gave in on the test. I'm not treating
her for two completely separate diseases because you think
lupus will win you a prize.

[He slaps the results in Taub's hands and leaves. The others
start to leave, Cole giving Taub a encouraging squeeze in
the shoulder. Amber sticks behind]

AMBER VOLAKIS: Still think it's lupus?

CHRIS TAUB: Yeah.

AMBER VOLAKIS: Me too. In case of emergency, go to the
emergency room.

[She gets up and starts to walk out]


[Cut to PPTH ER. Day. Amber and Taub speak to Dr. Allison
Cameron, who looks at their results]

ALLISON CAMERON: Could be lupus.

AMBER VOLAKIS: That's what we figured.

ALLISON CAMERON: [handing back the results, suspicious]
Then why are you here?

[She starts to walk. Amber and Taub follow]

CHRIS TAUB: You're an immunologist. We wanted to
confirm...

ALLISON CAMERON: Who are you looking for me to help
you sell down the river? House or Cuddy?

AMBER VOLAKIS: Foreman.

ALLISON CAMERON: Sorry.

CHRIS TAUB: He's pushing MS. Thinks that because he's in
charge, he has to prove he's the smartest guy in the room.

[Amber speaks to Cameron, face-to-face]

AMBER VOLAKIS: All I've heard about you: you put the
patient above everything else. That's why everyone finds
you so annoying.

[Cameron doesn't know whether to be flattered or insulted]

ALLISON CAMERON: [conspiratorially] All House cares about
is results.

CHRIS TAUB: I know. I'm talking about how to do deal with
Foreman.

ALLISON CAMERON: So am I.

[With a sly smile, she walks off. Amber smiles to Cole]


[Cut to Outside Casey's room. Day. Amber and Taub speak
to Foreman, while Lou sits beside Casey inside]

AMBER VOLAKIS: Fever's down to 101.5.

ERIC FOREMAN: Treatment's working. Why are we out
here?

CHRIS TAUB: Trying to figure out which treatment's
working. It's kind of tacky doing it in front of the patient.

ERIC FOREMAN: [shocked] You put her on steroids too?

AMBER VOLAKIS: [defensively] We had no choice. The sed
rate pointed to lupus.

[Inside the room, Casey is sitting up in bed, rubbing her
legs. Her father stands near her]

ERIC FOREMAN: And the ANA ruled it out!

LOU ALFONSO: [calling] Doctors!

[Foreman runs inside, followed by the others. Casey keeps
on touching her legs]

ERIC FOREMAN: Legs hurt?

CASEY ALFONSO: [panicked] I can't feel them at all. I don't
think I can move them.

[Foreman throws a frustrated look to Amber and Taub]


[Cut to CIA Hospital. Day. John lies barely conscious in bed,
while House reclines on the bed, eating a plate of chicken
legs. Terzi and Curtis enter. Terzi checks the chart]

SAMIRA TERZI: [impressed] Vitals stabilizing.

GREG HOUSE: Tummy-ache's gone as well.

SIDNEY CURTIS: ["told-you-so"] So the treatment's working.

GREG HOUSE: [quietly to Terzi] Wanna ditch Dr. Killjoy
and... hop in the company jet? Little trip down Mexico Way.
And I'm not talking about the country or the plane.

SAMIRA TERZI: [softly] Do you think acting like an idiot and
talking about sex works on girls?

GREG HOUSE: Well, if it didn't, the human race would have
died out long ago.

SIDNEY CURTIS: You're pretty cheery for someone who was
just proved wrong about his pancreatitis theory.

GREG HOUSE: I'm appropriately cheery for someone who's
being proved right.

SAMIRA TERZI: John hasn't vomited in six hours.

GREG HOUSE: What's to vomit? [holding up a chicken leg]
I'm eating his lunch. Withholding nutrients is the treatment
for pancreatitis. That and the antibiotics you put him on. I
did unhook your iodine, though. Didn't seem to fit with the
whole "I'm-just-jerking-you-guys-around" gestalt.

SIDNEY CURTIS: [pissed] You're unbelievable.

GREG HOUSE: Well, let's ask John if he'd rather be sick
honestly or cured dishonestly.

[Terzi opens John's right eye. He's not responding]

SAMIRA TERZI: John.

[Left eye yields no results either]

SAMIRA TERZI: John.

[She starts to rub his chest, trying to wake him up. Curtis
puts his fingers to John's neck, checking his vitals. House
seems confused and guilty]

GREG HOUSE: [sheepishly] Any chance he's just...
overwhelmed with gratitude?

[Curtis' glare doesn't seem to think so]


[Cut to Diagnostics Office. Day. Foreman, arms folded,
stares accusingly at Taub and Amber. The others sit quietly]

LAWRENCE KUTNER: Paralysis. Uh... it's a new symptom?
Big white space on the board where it would fit? Nice,
multicolored markers? [makes a writing motion]

[Brennan mopes in the corner]

ERIC FOREMAN: I'm not writing it because we can't know if
it's a real symptom. [pointing to Taub and Amber] When
these two went rogue and pumped her full of steroids...

CHRIS TAUB: Steroids don't cause paralysis.

ERIC FOREMAN: She was also on interferon! Giving her both
probably fried her immune system. Who knows what
infection you could cause...?

AMBER VOLAKIS: We consulted an immunologist. She said
we have...

ERIC FOREMAN: [frowning] She? You talking about Dr.
Cameron?

CHRIS TAUB: She thought lupus was...

ERIC FOREMAN: She tell you to start treating?

"THIRTEEN": [loudly] Yes, they've ignored you. They
screwed up. And it's fun watching you spank them. But can
we get back to the medicine?

ERIC FOREMAN: [mad] The last thing any of you give a
damn about is the medicine!

[The Fellows say nothing]

ERIC FOREMAN: [sits] Look... I'm not saying you're bad
doctors or bad people. But House is. He created a nasty
little cutthroat world, planted you in it, and is watching you
play. And none of it works for anyone except him.

AMBER VOLAKIS: And whoever wins.

[Foreman shoots her a glare]

CHRIS TAUB: Given its quick progression, we gotta assume
botulism.

LAWRENCE KUTNER: I'll go to her place, check out her
fridge and pantry.

[Meanwhile, Brennan has been looking at the whiteboard]

TRAVIS BRENNAN: It's not botulism. It's polio.

[Foreman looks at him skeptically. Taub's chuckle
disappears when he sees Brennan is serious]

CHRIS TAUB: Brilliant. We should search her home for FDR's
remains or a time machine.

TRAVIS BRENNAN: She could have contracted it from
anyone who's been to Africa or...

AMBER VOLAKIS: She's been vaccinated.

TRAVIS BRENNAN: Vaccines wear off.

"THIRTEEN": There hasn't been a single American case in
over twenty years.

TRAVIS BRENNAN: I've seen this disease. I know what it
looks like.

ERIC FOREMAN: That's why you're finding it. Because you're
looking for it. Polio, it's-it's crazy.

TRAVIS BRENNAN: House wouldn't think so.

ERIC FOREMAN: So go find House and tell him your theory.
Take a personal day. Seriously. Get outta here. [jerks his]

TRAVIS BRENNAN: You don't have the power to fire me.

ERIC FOREMAN: But I do have the power to kick your ass off
my case. [to the others] We're starting the botulism
treatment. The rest of you, look for confirmation.

[With a final glare at Brennan, he walks off. The others also
file out, Kutner clapping Brennan on the arm as he passes
him]


[Cut to CIA Hospital, John's room. Day. Curtis, standing over
John, complains to Terzi about House]

SIDNEY CURTIS: He should be brought up on charges.

GREG HOUSE: Okay, relax. I'll take your book out from
under my piano.

SIDNEY CURTIS: He's dying of radiation sickness. He's
obviously in pain.

[He moves away and House goes up to John]

SIDNEY CURTIS: All of which could have been avoided if you
hadn't interfered with...

[House grabs John's hair and pulls. John gives out a small
yelp of pain]

SIDNEY CURTIS: What was that for?!

[House withdraws his hand, without any hairs on it]

GREG HOUSE: Radiation sickness kills specific cells at
specific times. His hair should be coming out in clumps
before he's writhing in pain. Since it's not, I know who's
trying to kill him. [looks upwards] God. It's blood cancer.
Waldenstrom's.

SIDNEY CURTIS: [quietly] Radiation can cause infections,
which set off... [stuttering as he thinks]

GREG HOUSE: [interrupts] If you had any real evidence of
foul play, you'd be torturing Bolivians instead of putting me
into a state of anticipatory sexual arousal.

SAMIRA TERZI: Can we treat for both?

GREG HOUSE: Bad idea. Unless you're the one who's trying
to poison him.

SAMIRA TERZI: I'll arrange for plasmapheresis and chemo.

[She starts to leave, but turns when Curtis speaks]

SIDNEY CURTIS: Are you gonna trust him after what he did?

SAMIRA TERZI: I don't have to trust him to agree with him

[She leaves, leaving House and an agape Curtis]

GREG HOUSE: You make a good point. I've been wrong
every time, and she still won't listen to you. So either she
[chuckling] really likes me or she really hates you. And I got
a ride in the jet.


[Cut to PPTH ER. Day. Cameron walks towards the bed
where her next patient should be. She pulls back the
curtain and gets a start, finding a stone-faced Foreman
sitting there]

ALLISON CAMERON: Oh. Hi. What are you doing here?

ERIC FOREMAN: Just came to say "hi".

ALLISON CAMERON: Hi again. Where's... Mrs. Berman?

ERIC FOREMAN: Sent her home.

ALLISON CAMERON: I was scheduling her for an MRA.

ERIC FOREMAN: [dismissive] If we gave MRAs to every
patient with a headache...

ALLISON CAMERON: This wasn't just a headache, it was the
worst in her life.

ERIC FOREMAN: Then lucky for you I'm a neurologist. She
went to a wine and cheese tasting. Both triggers for
migraines.

ALLISON CAMERON: She's never had a migraine before.

ERIC FOREMAN: And I never had a blueberry bagel before
the first time I had one.

ALLISON CAMERON: [arguing] Bagels don't kill people. This
is a classic ticking-bomb aneurysm.

ERIC FOREMAN: Wow. This taught me a lesson. I guess
when I mess with other people's patients, I risk looking like
an officious bitch.

[He gets up and leaves. Cameron speaks to a passing nurse]

ALLISON CAMERON: We're gonna have to track down Mrs.
Berman.

[As the nurse nods and leaves, Cameron sees Mrs. Berman
walking over, dragging her IV-line with her, carrying a fresh
urine sample]

ALLISON CAMERON: [to the nurse] Wait... Never mind.

[She purses her lips]


[Cut to PPTH, Outside OR. Day. Cameron complains to Dr.
Robert Chase, who's washing his hands, prepping for
surgery]

ROBERT CHASE: That's funny.

ALLISON CAMERON: It's not funny. It's totally immature.

ROBERT CHASE: [amused] It is funny. You just can't
appreciate it because you're the victim.

ALLISON CAMERON: Yeah, I deserve shame and ridicule for
offering a consult. Unheard of for a doctor.

ROBERT CHASE: You didn't offer a medical consult. You
offered a "Dealing with Foreman" consult.

ALLISON CAMERON: For the good of the patient. It's what
House would have done.

ROBERT CHASE: Maybe House will hear about it and tear up
with pride.

ALLISON CAMERON: You think I'm trying to impress him.

ROBERT CHASE: I think that, for someone who's not
involved in his team, you're remarkably involved in his
team. Let it go. Let him go.

[Finished with the hand-washing, he turns to her. Pettily,
she splashes some water on his freshly-washed hands]

ROBERT CHASE: And that's mature?

[She gives him a kiddish pout and leaves. He prepares to
wash again.]


[Cut to CIA Hospital, John's room. Day. House sets up the
plasmapheresis machine, while Terzi checks John's blood
pressure]

SAMIRA TERZI: 120 over 80. Let 'er rip.

[House starts the plasmapheresis]

GREG HOUSE: Now we got the medical stuff out of the way.
Why don't we meet back at your place for some enhanced
interrogation techniques?

[She gives him a "oh, yeah?" smile]

GREG HOUSE: My safe word is, "help, please, please stop".
It's two "pleases". Anything less than that, you keep going.

SAMIRA TERZI: You actually cure this guy, I'll show you my
private water board.

[House gives her an intrigued smile]

SAMIRA TERZI: We need to consult an oncologist about the
chemo.

[House still smiles, but then realises she's not flirting]

GREG HOUSE: Oh, I'm sorry, I thought... you were still
euphemizing. My valet knows a little oncology.

[He goes over to his cell phone and dials]


[Cut to Aerial View of PPTH. Day]


[Cut to PPTH Nurse's Station. Day. Dr. James Wilson
answers House's phone call]

JAMES WILSON: [into phone] I was wondering when you'd
grow bored of avoiding my calls.


[Cut to CIA Hospital, John's room. Day. House speaks to
Wilson and sits]

GREG HOUSE: [into phone] Oh, I can never grow bored of
ignoring you. What's the latest protocol on Waldenstrom's?

JAMES WILSON: [into phone] Where are you?

GREG HOUSE: [into phone] CIA headquarters. How much
fludarabine...?

JAMES WILSON: [into phone] Either you're sprawled naked
on your floor with an empty bottle of Vicodin, or collapsed
naked in front of your computer with an empty bottle of
Viagra. Please tell me which, because Chase has another
pool going.

GREG HOUSE: [into phone] They flew me in to help deal
with a sick employee. How much...?

JAMES WILSON: [into phone] Hallucinations. Damn! I
shouldn't have bet on the Viagra.

GREG HOUSE: [into phone] Okay, call the Langley
switchboard, ask for extension... [looks to Terzi]

SAMIRA TERZI: Thirty-five seventy-eight.

GREG HOUSE: [into phone] Three five seven eight.

[House hangs up]

SAMIRA TERZI: He asked an awful lot of questions for a
valet.

GREG HOUSE: You know, I happen to have a position
available on my penis.

[Terzi, who expected another innuendo-laced remark, is
surprised at the direct approach. She looks at House, who
realises his goof-up]

GREG HOUSE: Wait a second, I think I screwed up that joke.

SAMIRA TERZI: You offering me a job?

GREG HOUSE: I'd settle for that.

SAMIRA TERZI: As tempting as a position on your _staff_ is,
I like it here.

GREG HOUSE: Pays better. And we've only had one
assassination attempt.

SAMIRA TERZI: And I'm sure you're a great boss. That's why
your fellows left en masse a couple of months ago.
[whispering seductively] I have satellite images.

[The room phone rings. House rolls around the bed and
answers it]

GREG HOUSE: [into phone] Inspector Gadget.

[At PPTH, Wilson turns around in shock]

JAMES WILSON: [into phone] My God. You're actually at the
CIA.

GREG HOUSE: [into phone] You've gotta get down here.
They've got a satellite aimed directly into Cuddy's vagina. I
told them the chances of invasion are slim to none, but...
[trails off] Waldenstrom's.

JAMES WILSON: [into phone] Recommended dose is
twenty-five milligrams per meter squared. They do a
background check on you?

GREG HOUSE: [to Terzi] Twenty-five milligrams?

JAMES WILSON: [into phone] They did a background check
on you, they did a background check on your friends.

GREG HOUSE: [into phone] Relax. I'm sure they already
know that you brought heroin back from Afghanistan.

[House hangs up. Wilson, panicked, tries to plead his
innocence to the CIA switchboard operator, who's always
listening]

JAMES WILSON: [into phone] That... that's not true. I've
never been to Afghanistan. House?


[Cut to Casey's room. Day. Casey is semi-conscious in bed.
Lou speaks to Foreman]

LOU ALFONSO: She's getting worse.

ERIC FOREMAN: Fever's risen slightly.

[Outside, Brennan knocks on the glass partition. Foreman
ignores him]

LOU ALFONSO: [unsure] But i-it's definitely, um... what,
botulism, right? [angry] Because if you're wrong again, and
you're treating her for something she doesn't even have.

ERIC FOREMAN: [comforting] The antitoxin hasn't had time
to work yet. I know it's hard, but try to be patient.

[Brennan knocks again and mouths "come on" to Foreman]

ERIC FOREMAN: [to Lou] Excuse me.

[Foreman walks out to speak to Brennan]

TRAVIS BRENNAN: I know you're pissed I interrupted, but
you're gonna be even more pissed in a second.

[He shows Foreman a test result. Foreman snatches it away
angrily]

ERIC FOREMAN: You tested her without telling me?

TRAVIS BRENNAN: Yeah. And I know, I'm really, really sorry.
But... on the other hand, it's positive.

[Foreman frowns in surprise]

TRAVIS BRENNAN: She has polio.

[Foreman looks at the result]

TRAVIS BRENNAN: Now what, boss?

[Concerned, Foreman looks at Brennan]


[Cut to Wilson's Office. Day. Dr. Lisa Cuddy (Dean of
Medicine) speaks to Wilson]

LISA CUDDY: Where's House? He's blown off four hours of
clinic.

JAMES WILSON: [quietly] He's consulting for the CIA.

[Cuddy gives him a questioning look]

JAMES WILSON: Seriously. Call Langley and ask for
extension 35... [frowning] 3536?

[Cuddy looks at him, in mock-expectation of the next two
digits]

JAMES WILSON: [fumbling on his desk] There's definitely
two threes. I-I wrote it down. I have it somewhere.

LISA CUDDY: He's gonna make up twice his skipped hours in
the clinic.

[She starts to walk out]

JAMES WILSON: Okey-doke.

[She stops at the door]

LISA CUDDY: And for protecting him, you're gonna make up
twice that.

JAMES WILSON: Why are you punishing me worse than
him?

LISA CUDDY: Because House never learns. You might.

[She walks off, shutting the door behind her, leaving Wilson
to wonder what just happened]


[Cut to CIA Hospital, John's room. Night. John is now
conscious. He holds some fallen hair in his fingers. House
enters]

GREG HOUSE: How're you feeling?

JOHN: Like crap.

GREG HOUSE: Yeah, cancer can be that way.

[House looks at his chart]

JOHN: [showing the fallen hair] My hair is falling out.

[House looks at him surprised]

JOHN: That the chemo?

GREG HOUSE: [quietly] No, it's too quick.

JOHN: So what does it mean?

GREG HOUSE: [somberly] It means you don't have cancer.
Someone actually did try to kill you.


[Cut to CIA Hospital. Terzi's Office. Night. Terzi uneasily
drums her fingers on her desk, while House sits and listens
to Curtis' tirade]

SIDNEY CURTIS: You're stubborn. You're arrogant!

GREG HOUSE: There's no need to yell.

SIDNEY CURTIS: You may have cost that man his life!

GREG HOUSE: He's getting the radiation treatment.

SIDNEY CURTIS: Twenty-four hours too late!

GREG HOUSE: I didn't yell at you when I thought you were
wrong.

SIDNEY CURTIS: I wasn't wrong!

SAMIRA TERZI: This isn't productive.

SIDNEY CURTIS: [turning on her] There is no productive. It's
too late. Because of your inexperience, your poor
judgement. And your failure to recognize a reckless fool!

[House has an idea]

GREG HOUSE: Cordyceps sinensis.

[Terzi looks at him, quizzically]

GREG HOUSE: It's, uh, it's an herbal treatment derived from
a parasitic fungus, comes from caterpillars. Along with
dimercaprol chelation, it's been shown to mitigate bone
marrow damage from radiation poisoning. [beat] In
monkeys.

[Terzi frowns a bit]


[Cut to Diagnostics Office. Night. A defeated Foreman
apologizes to the Fellows]

ERIC FOREMAN: I'm sorry. I was stubborn and arrogant.

TRAVIS BRENNAN: Self-recriminations won't help her.

"THIRTEEN": Nothing's gonna help her. She's got polio.

AMBER VOLAKIS: There's no cure, but there are treatments.

ERIC FOREMAN: [resigned] She's dying.

CHRIS TAUB: Yeah. Every death's a tragedy. Funny how you
weren't so depressed when she just dying because me and
Amber screwed up.

ERIC FOREMAN: And I'm also self-centered. Thanks for
clarifying.

LAWRENCE KUTNER: [his two cents] Don't forget self-
pitying.

[Foreman throws him a look]

TRAVIS BRENNAN: Vitamin C. Extremely high doses. It was
experimental treatment protocol in the fifties.

LAWRENCE KUTNER: And they haven't finished yet?

TRAVIS BRENNAN: They... lost funding.

ERIC FOREMAN: That's because there's no logical reason
Vitamin C would cure polio.

TRAVIS BRENNAN: Well, someone thought there was.

ERIC FOREMAN: Someone thought black people made
excellent farm implements.

TRAVIS BRENNAN: I'm not talking about hurting anyone. I
just wanna force feed her some orange juice.

ERIC FOREMAN: You wanna throw in some bacon and eggs
as well?

TRAVIS BRENNAN: If there's anything you learn today, it's
gotta be that you can be wrong.

[With no other choice, Foreman nods his agreement.
Brennan leaves]


[Cut to CIA Hospital. John's room. Night. While House
prepares the herbal brew, Terzi leans in front of John. Curtis
hangs around, disgruntled]

SAMIRA TERZI: John, can you hear me? We're going to start
you on an experimental treatment.

JOHN: Tea?

GREG HOUSE: It's a Chinese herb, which has been effective
in...

JOHN: I'm dying, aren't I?

GREG HOUSE: [beat] Probably.

[He puts the tea to John's lips. John slowly drinks the brew]


[Cut to Outside Casey's Room. Night. Brennan and a
skeptical-looking Foreman speak to Lou]

TRAVIS BRENNAN: We're gonna attempt an experimental
protocol.

LOU ALFONSO: A new drug?

TRAVIS BRENNAN: An old one. Vitamin C. Ultra-high doses
have been shown to destroy the polio virus and heal nerve
damage.

LOU ALFONSO: [hopeful] She could regain use of her legs.

ERIC FOREMAN: It's unlikely.

TRAVIS BRENNAN: [encouraging] But we're gonna try. Don't
give up.

[Lou looks at Brennan and Foreman, considering it]


[Cut to CIA Hospital, John's room. Night. House puts
another cup to John's mouth. Finished, John lies back down
and sighs]

JOHN: [drawling] Nausea's... not as bad.

GREG HOUSE: Radiation sickness has a latency period. You'll
get better before you get worse.

[House sits in front of him. A beat passes]

JOHN: You wanna know what I really did down there?

GREG HOUSE: Only if it's interesting.

JOHN: [smiling at the memory] The women there... during
Carnival, they... they do this dance. They call it the Devil
Dance.

GREG HOUSE: Not interesting.

JOHN: I spent all forty days with this attach to the Minister
of Defense. The most... buttoned-down woman you'd ever
meet. You know? 'Cept when she did this dance. She
agreed to tell me stuff...

[John winces as he feels some pain]

GREG HOUSE: Okay, we have half a good story there.

JOHN: Karma.

GREG HOUSE: Best way to rid yourself of that guilt is to
confess your sins.

JOHN: This pain is... right. It's comforting. It makes me think
that... somehow, it all makes sense.

[Suddenly, House has an epiphany]

GREG HOUSE: What do you mean, forty days?

JOHN: When they found out... what she... told me.

GREG HOUSE: Carnival in Bolivia's only eight days. [small
beat] You have any idea what a chestnut looks like?

[John looks at him in confusion]


[Cut to CIA Hospital, Terzi's Office. Night. House bursts
inside and speaks to Terzi]

GREG HOUSE: You idiot.

SAMIRA TERZI: Who are you calling an idiot?

[House turns around to see Agent Smith sitting on the
couch]

GREG HOUSE: Whoever knew that John was stationed in
Brazil, not Bolivia.

SAMIRA TERZI: Brazil?

GREG HOUSE: [turning to Smith] Well, then, I guess I'm
talking to you, idiot.

AGENT SMITH: It's the same region. It's the same parasites,
same diseases.

GREG HOUSE: But not the same language. In Bolivia,
chestnuts are chestnuts. Brazil, on the other hand, it's
castanhas-do-Par, literally, "chestnuts from Par". Because
it would be stupid for people from Brazil to call them Brazil
nuts!

AGENT SMITH: So he ate Brazil nuts. Big deal.

GREG HOUSE: No, he ate a lot of Brazil nuts. Which is a big
deal, because they contain selenium.

[Terzi closes her eyes, understanding]

GREG HOUSE: Which, in high doses, causes fatigue,
vomiting, skin irritation, discharge from the fingernail beds,
and hair loss. Any of that sounding familiar?

AGENT SMITH: Can you treat it?

GREG HOUSE: We've already started. Treatment's
chelation, same as for radiation sickness. The only
difference is it works a lot better on nut poisoning.

AGENT SMITH: So what's the problem?

SAMIRA TERZI: You're an idiot.

[House turns to her, to see who she called an idiot. She
looks from Smith to House, confirming that Smith was the
idiot. House looks back at Smith, who folds his arms,
annoyed]


[Cut to Casey's room. Night. Casey shivers as Foreman pulls
her blanket off. Lou sits at the side, while Brennan watches]

LOU ALFONSO: Why is she shivering?

TRAVIS BRENNAN: Low serum calcium is a side effect of the
treatment. I can give her a calcium supplement.

CASEY ALFONSO: My arm hurts.

TRAVIS BRENNAN: Infusion rate has to remain high for the
treatment to work.

LOU ALFONSO: Is it working?

[Foreman pricks Casey's toe with a pin. She reacts with a
start]

ERIC FOREMAN: You feel that?

CASEY ALFONSO: Yeah. [excited] It hurts.

[Foreman almost can't believe it]

TRAVIS BRENNAN: It's working. This is fantastic.

[Lou goes over to an elated Casey, clasps her hand and
kisses her on the forehead. Brennan smiles happily at a
nonplussed Foreman]


[Cut to CIA Hospital, Hallway. House walks with Terzi]

GREG HOUSE: There's a lot you can learn in my fellowship.
A few new procedures I could teach you. 'Course, we'd
need a nurse to prep.

SAMIRA TERZI: I know how to kill a man with my thumb.

GREG HOUSE: Actually, I was just trying to make another
euphemism for sex.

SAMIRA TERZI: So was I.

[Curtis, who has been walking behind them, sighs in
exasperation]

SIDNEY CURTIS: Oh, God. How can you flirt with this idiot?
He lied to us again and again. He broke laws, ethical codes...

[They stop at the elevator]

GREG HOUSE: I was right.

SIDNEY CURTIS: That doesn't mean everything.

SAMIRA TERZI: It means a lot. [shakes Curtis' hand] Dr.
Curtis. [shakes House's hand] Dr. House. Appreciate your
help.

[She walks off. Curtis enters the elevator. House hangs
back, watching Terzi walk away. The elevator door starts to
close. House clumsily manages to pry it open and enter]


[Cut to Doctor's Lounge. Night. Foreman sits alone,
despondent. Cameron enters]

ALLISON CAMERON: Hey.

ERIC FOREMAN: [downcast] Hey.

[Setting her bag down, she sits in front of him. He raises his
eyebrows at her, waiting for her to speak]

ALLISON CAMERON: When... when you were dying, you
tried to infect me. Because you knew I'd fight for you if I
thought I was dying too.

ERIC FOREMAN: You bringing this up now so I'll forgive you
for messing with my patient?

ALLISON CAMERON: I'm happy I changed jobs. But I know
I'll never have that sort of... excitement.

ERIC FOREMAN: You miss people trying to kill you?

ALLISON CAMERON: No. I miss... people doing whatever it
takes to get the job done. [beat] I guess that's why I'm
having trouble giving it up. I shouldn't have helped them
mess with your patient.

ERIC FOREMAN: [sighs] They had to screw with me. I've
gotten everything wrong.

ALLISON CAMERON: I don't believe it. You're not gonna get
everything right. But you're never gonna get everything
wrong.

[With a smile, she leaves. Foreman considers her words]


[Cut to Aerial View of PPTH. Day]


[Cut to PPTH Auditorium. Day. House enters brightly. The
Fellows, coffee-cups in hand, are already there. No
Foreman. though]

GREG HOUSE: Morning!

CHRIS TAUB: Uh, where have you been the last two days?

GREG HOUSE: Overslept.

TRAVIS BRENNAN: We saved Speed Racer.

LAWRENCE KUTNER: She had polio. We cured it with
Vitamin C.

GREG HOUSE: Yeah. I cured depression with tonic water
once. Actually, I think there was some gin in it too.

CHRIS TAUB: Hundred and fifty grams over six hours. It
worked.

[Behind them, Foreman enters, carrying a test result]

ERIC FOREMAN: No, it didn't.

[They turn to him]

ERIC FOREMAN: I told you you can't cure polio. That means
either she's not cured or she never had it. Since she's
walking out of here...

[He hands the test result to House]

ERIC FOREMAN: I tested her blood from admittance. No
polio. That means Brennan screwed up the lab tests.

TRAVIS BRENNAN: Or you screwed up your lab tests.

AMBER VOLAKIS: [to Foreman] You must have. She got
better.

ERIC FOREMAN: So it's relapsing and remitting. Maybe...
porphyria.

GREG HOUSE: Nah, that's a stretch. If she had porphyria,
you would have seen purple urine.

ERIC FOREMAN: You think it's more likely he cured polio?

GREG HOUSE: They believe it. Her symptoms fit perfectly.
And the alternative is unbelievably convoluted. Some
doctor would have to poison her with thallium so it looks
like polio, then fake a lab test, then give her Vitamin C and
stop the poison so she magically gets better. [as if just
realizing] Actually... [to Brennan] it is kinda doable, right?

[Foreman looks at Brennan, shocked. Brennan looks
expressionlessly at them. The others also are surprised]

GREG HOUSE: So what do you think? Should we test her for
thallium before you contact Stockholm?

"THIRTEEN": [to Brennan, astonished] You poisoned her?

GREG HOUSE: The really shocking thing is that Foreman was
right about the heatstroke.

TRAVIS BRENNAN: [persistent] Vitamin C cures polio. I've
seen it.

GREG HOUSE: Yeah. In some bush clinic. You needed polio
in a place with a proper lab. The only problem is that places
with proper labs don't have polio.

TRAVIS BRENNAN: [standing up and approaching House]
There is no money in finding cures for diseases that only kill
poor people. [to the others] This will make them do
research.

[The other Fellows are too stunned to respond]

TRAVIS BRENNAN: [to Foreman and House] And what do
you care if I faked a lab test if it saves a few thousand lives?
I did what I had to do. Isn't that what you hired us for?

[He looks at House, pleadingly]

GREG HOUSE: [nods, sighs] Which is why I'm not gonna fire
you.

[Brennan is relieved]

GREG HOUSE: You're gonna quit.

[Brennan's relief evaporates as he looks at House]

GREG HOUSE: Go on, get outta here.

[Resigned, Brennan nods and leaves]

ERIC FOREMAN: So you're just gonna let him go?

GREG HOUSE: Absolutely. I'm gonna let him get as far away
as possible before you call the cops. Guy's a nut job. [to the
Fellows] Who the hell did I leave in charge?

[The Fellows point to Foreman]

CHRIS TAUB: Foreman.

GREG HOUSE: There was a reason for that. Next time, listen
to him.

[House leaves. Foreman, not normally used to getting
praise from House, has a hint of a smile on his frowning
face]


[Cut to PPTH Lobby. Night. House is on his way out. Cuddy
comes up behind him]

LISA CUDDY: Where have you been? And don't say the CIA.

GREG HOUSE: Okay. By the way, one of my employees...

LISA CUDDY: Either you're gonna have to get someone from
the CIA to call and confirm your story, or [smiling] you're
doing eight clinic hours and Wilson is doing sixteen.

[House acts like he's about to divulge a big secret]

GREG HOUSE: [seriously] I was in the Hamptons. I was
helping some rich hedge-fund jerk treat his son's sniffles.
Fascinating as that sounds.

[Cuddy seems to buy the bull]

LISA CUDDY: For your honesty, I will forgive _your_ hours.

GREG HOUSE: Thank you.

[House turns slowly, making a gargantuan effort not to
smile at his boss' naivt. He moves a couple of steps
towards the door, when...]

LISA CUDDY: [obviously didn't believe him] No!

[House turns]

LISA CUDDY: The only thing less likely than your helping the
CIA is your helping some rich guy on Long Island. You're
doing your hours and Wilson's.

GREG HOUSE: I know how to kill a man with my thumb.

LISA CUDDY: Who doesn't?

[She walks away. Thwarted, House leaves the hospital]




[Cut toOutside, he walks and sees Dr. Terzi, sitting on a
bench. She stands when she sees him]

SAMIRA TERZI: Hi.

GREG HOUSE: Hi.

[She approaches him. He bites his lower lip]

SAMIRA TERZI: I'm going to take you up on your offer.

GREG HOUSE: Yeah? Well, I, uh, I live a couple miles from
here.

SAMIRA TERZI: [giggles] That's not the offer I meant. I gave
notice today.

GREG HOUSE: You said you were happy at the Company.

SAMIRA TERZI: I lied. Doubt you'll hold it against me. [beat]
I'll see you at nine o'clock on Monday.

[House gives a small nod. With a meaningful look, she walks
off. Camera holds on House]


END

407 - Script VO
FADE IN
EXT. - TRAIN STATION - DAY - DOCUMENTARY - BLACK &
WHITE
JOE: (on the phone) We just arrived. Yeah, kids okay on
your end? Good. Yeah, yeah, he's VERY excited. Hey, hey,
listen, I gotta go, okay. I'll call you tomorrow. (pulls out his
luggage from a wire bin) Excuse me.

[A young lady, JENNY, starts doing a passable imitation of a
car alarm, in reaction to a teenaged boy with a HUGE
growth on his forehead.]

JOE: (protectively) Get away. Get away.
FATHER: Sorry about that. Sorry.
JENNY: (tearfully) What's wrong with him?

EXT. - TRAIN STATION - DAY
JOE: Excuse us.

DOC - B & W
JOE: I oughta go back and kick the hell out of that guy.

TRAIN STATION
JOE: She's old enough. She didn't have to scream like that.

KENNY: It's okay, Dad. It didn't bother me.

DOC - B & W
KENNY: For the first time, none of these people bothered
me. I just think thirty-six more hours.

TRAIN STATION - The earnest young doco-maker, DARNELL,
walks backwards in front of Joe and Kenny.

DARNELL: Thirty-six more hours. How do you figure that,
Kenny?

DOC - B & W
KENNY: Tomorrow at this time, I'm scheduled for surgery.
It's a ten hour procedure, throw two in it for prep, thirty-six
until I'm just another face in the crowd.

TRAIN STATION - Joe, Kenny pull ahead of the crew as they
emerge from the station.

EXT. - PPTH - DAY - Side-on view of the back of PPTH.
INT. - OR - Kenny is lying on the table, prepped.
DOC - B & W - Flashes of the prep, a nervous CHASE.

CHASE: (formally) Kenny has a frontonasal encephalocele.
It's a midline deformity. He's here to undergo a facial
bipartition.

OR - Darnell, cameraman, camera are arrayed in
appropriate sterile gear.
DARNELL: And what does that mean?
CHASE: Well, we have five surgeons...

DOC - B & W
CHASE: ... four nurses. He's going to require six units of
blood.
DARNELL: Will it fix him?
CHASE: It'll repair a lot...

OR
CHASE: of the damage done by the...

[Darnell looks at her cameraman.]

DARNELL: We need a sound bite. (to Chase) Would you say
he'd be ready for the junior prom?

DOC - B & W
CHASE: Yeah, yeah, well, that's probably true.

OR - Darnell waits impatiently.
DARNELL: No, I need you to say it.

DOC - B & W - As Chase opens his mouth, hes interrupted.
CRANIO SURGEON: Dr. Chase?

OR - Chase turns.
ANESTHESIOLOGIST: We got an issue.
[Chase goes to Kenny, feels his throat pulse.]
ANESTHESIOLOGIST: Heart rate's skyrocketing. It's over 180.
CHASE: He's in v-fib. Paddles.

DOC - B & W
CHASE: Charge to 300. (to cameraman) Turn that camera
off.

OR - Filming continues.
CHASE: Is this a reaction to anesthesia?
ANESTHESIOLOGIST: Haven't given it yet.

[Cameraman deftly avoids everyone as Chase takes the
paddles.]

CHASE: Clear! [He shocks Kenny. Nothing.] Crank to 360.

DOC - B & W - Chase sees they're still filming.
CHASE: (to cameraman) I said 'Turn that damn camera off!'
(to the room) Clear!

[Someone puts a hand out, blocking the lens.]

CREDITS
INT. - CUDDY'S OFFICE - DOC - B & W
CUDDY, dressed to the nines, sits in a chair along one
corner of her office. She picks up a file, begins.

CUDDY: A teen-aged boy with a cranio-facial deformity was
about to undergo a reconstructive procedure when he had
an unexplained cardiac arrest.

*The camera moves to the sofa. Chase is at Cuddys end,
looking attentive, HOUSE at the other end, staring into the
lens, looking almost catatonic.]

HOUSE: Good.
[Chase stares at House, shocked.]
CUDDY: (whispers) Good?
[Cuddy, Chase stare at House, appalled.]

HOUSE: (still staring intently) I mean... go on.

CHASE: We have the patient on a pacing wire. It's the only
thing keeping his heart going.

HOUSE: Yeah, we know. We're doctors.

CHASE: Right. I was just... it was just for them... (indicates
the crew)

INT. - CUDDYS OFFICE
DARNELL: Just be yourself.

DOC - B & W
CHASE: Until we are able to figure out exactly what is
causing the heart block, the reconstructive surgery is on
hold, obviously.

HOUSE: (incredulously) That's yourself? (grimaces)
Fascinating case. (rises) I will see you again after I have
saved his life. (takes the file from Cuddy) Have a warm bath
waiting.

CUDDY'S OFFICE - The crowd scatters. House strides across
Cuddy's office.

DOC - B & W - Nearly at the door, House turns to the
cameraman.
HOUSE: You following me?
CUDDY: (smugly) Darnell will be trailing you throughout the
case.
DARNELL: Pretend we're not here.
HOUSE: If I do that, won't I bump into you?
DARNELL: We'll stay out of your way.

HOUSE: (summoning patience) You know, it's a joke. (falsely
sincere) See, I became a doctor because of the movie 'Patch
Adams'.(considers) Uh, listen, do you want to get ahead of
me, maybe back up, I don't know, low down, makes me
look more powerful...

CUDDY'S OFFICE - House opens the door, herds Darnell,
crew out.
DARNELL: (buying it) That's, that's perfect.
HOUSE: (oozing faux charm) Yeah. Also my eyes look better
in...

DOC - B & W
HOUSE: ...rooms with summer colors.

CUDDY'S OFFICE
DARNELL: You know what, it's black and white...

DOC - B & W - House slams the door in her face.
CUDDY'S OFFICE - House keeps his back to the door. Cuddy
goes on the attack.

CUDDY: You think I LIKE the cameras? (stalks across the
room) You think I want the whole world watching you check
out my ass and question my wardrobe?

HOUSE: (unrepentant) Would it be better if I checked out
your wardrobe and questioned your ass?

CUDDY: (behind her desk) A little part of me...
HOUSE: There is no little part of you.

CUDDY: (persevering) ...thought that maybe you would see
what great PR this could be for the hospital, and not make
ME force YOU to act like a human being.

HOUSE: You using force on me is... intriguing. (glances
outside her office) On the other hand, cameras make
people act. Sometimes like human beings, sometimes just
weird, sometimes they wear open-tipped bras.

CUDDY: It's cold in here.
[House takes a split second to reclaim his brain from his
breeches.]

HOUSE: Less obvious point is that I need my team (glances
again at the crew)to be unafraid of the metaphorical fart.

CUDDY: That production company is covering all the
medical costs for this kid. So, either you let them continue
filming... or the kid goes home with the same face.

[Cuddy sits, triumphant. House glances back at the crew
once more, then, having no suitable rejoinder, beats a swift
retreat.]

DOC - B & W - House leaves Cuddy's office.
HOUSE: Sorry about that. Private. (glares back at Cuddy)
She waxes her mustache once a month... sometimes gets
some pretty gnarly ingrown hairs.

[The camera leaves House to refocus on an annoyed,
suspicious Cuddy.]

INT. - AUDITORIUM - The remaining candidates, COLE,
TAUB, VOLAKIS, KUTNER, THIRTEEN, sit scattered across the
auditorium. TERZI sits confidently down front.

COLE: So, did he hire you flat out, or are you competing for
one of the spots?

TERZI: I'm not sure what you mean by that.

VOLAKIS: She's not competing. She was hand-picked by
House. She's safe, like Foreman, so that takes three spots
down to one.

[The left-side door bangs open; the crew back in before
Darnell, House. The candidates register their surprise.]

HOUSE: Where's Foreman?
COLE: He's in the bathroom.
HOUSE: Good. Come on, let's go for a walk.
[House reaches up, grabs the boom mic.]

DOC - B & W
HOUSE: (with faux drama) Walks look good on camera.
They give the illusion of the story moving forward.

[The candidates follow, watching the camera. Kutner waves
as he walks past.]

INT. - HALLWAY - DOC - B & W - House leads them down a
narrow hallway.
HOUSE: New patient.

INT. - HALLWAY
HOUSE: Sixteen-year-old boy with second-degree...

DOC - B & W
HOUSE: ...infranodal heart block, post-arrest.

HALLWAY
THIRTEEN: Any reports of light-headedness or syncope?

DOC - B & W
HOUSE: Certainly not light-headedness.
[Volakis pulls ahead, turns to House.]
VOLAKIS: Why did you hire her?
HOUSE: Not in front of the company.
KUTNER: Are we going to be on TV?

HOUSE: I'm making a music video. Come on, move faster,
more energy.
TAUB: (suspicious) Why are you glad Foreman's not here?
HOUSE: Because... he would object to what I'm about to do.

[House gives a little mewl of faux disappointment, indicates
the sign by the door. The camera follows - 'Restricted
Access, No Metal Allowed, Strong Magnetic Field'. He
mouths 'Sorry' as he closes the door.]

INT. - MRI CHAMBER - The candidates stand awkwardly
around the MRI machine, the loud thrum of the MRI
overshadowing all.

HOUSE: (to the tech) Hey buddy! [The patient raises his
head curiously.] You stay in there. (points at the
patient)We'll be out here making sure he doesn't move
again. (to the universe) Gah! FINALLY hear myself think. Our
patient has...

VOLAKIS: Why did you hire her?
[Terzi glares at Volakis.]

HOUSE: Because she has way more diagnostic experience
than the other swimsuit models I was considering.
(references the file) Our patient has a frontonasal
encephalocele with a midline cleft. (raises a picture) Ew.
Don't stare directly at it. (hands it to Thirteen) So, what
caused Big Head's heart to stop?

TAUB: Simple. His big head. Increased intracranial pressure
would cause heart block.

HOUSE: Wrong. Sixteen years they've been testing that
insane noggin to death.

[Cole hands the pic to Taub.]

TERZI: (acquiring the pic) What about a congenital heart
defect? He has a midline anomaly on his head, makes sense
he'd have a midline anomaly in his heart too.

HOUSE: That sixteen years of testing didn't show?

VOLAKIS: Why did you bring her in so late? It's not fair. The
rest of us...

HOUSE: Hey hey! You want fair, you picked the wrong job.
The wrong profession. (pauses to think) The wrong species.
Forget the deformity. Treat the patient like he's any other
really, really ugly kid.

COLE: Infection. Could be endocarditis.

THIRTEEN: Well, since he doesn't have a prosthetic heart
valve, I assume you're thinking he's an IV drug user?

COLE: House said assume he's normal. Dealers don't ask for
ID and don't care what you look like.

HOUSE: Nice. You're right about the habit, you're wrong
about the substance. (indicates the pic) Blackened skin
under the nose equals frostbite from huffing Freon. Freon's
toxic, damages the heart.

TAUB: Discoloration could be acanthosis nigricans. It's a
common side effect of these deformities.

THIRTEEN: There's also discoloration on the cheeks and
forehead.
HOUSE: Do a nuclear study. If I'm right, you'll see scarring of
the heart.
[The candidates scatter. Terzi stays behind, walks over to
House.]

TERZI: I'm not part of some game, am I? I gave up a career
because I thought this was a firm offer.

HOUSE: Yes. This is a real offer.
[Terzi nods, walks away. House stares after her.]

INT. - WILSON'S OFFICE - House leans against Wilson's door,
stricken.

HOUSE: I think she might be an idiot.
WILSON: (working on the ever-present paperwork) Who?
HOUSE: But she can't be an idiot. She's in the CIA, for God's
sake.
WILSON: The Bay of Pigs was a daring triumph.

[House paces to the far side of Wilson's desk.]
HOUSE: She had good ideas in Langley.
WILSON: All your ideas.
HOUSE: She was able to identify that they were good ideas.

[House paces back to the door.]
WILSON: Stab in the dark here. Is she pretty?
HOUSE: She's new. She's nervous.
WILSON: She's a 'C' cup.

[House reaches the door again.]
HOUSE: She said one dumb thing in the differential.
[House turns, puts his back against the door.]
HOUSE: They ALL say dumb things in differentials.
WILSON: A 'D' cup? (beat) If she's no good, just fire her.

HOUSE: I can't! I just hired her. She left a career.
WILSON: (double-takes) Wow!
[House glares at Wilson.]
WILSON: Either that's actual guilt, or I've GOT to see this
woman.

[House continues the death-glare before turning away,
staring off into the distance.]

INT. - OUTSIDE POTW'S ROOM - DOC - B & W - Joe, Taub
confer.

JOE: My son is not 'huffing Freon'.

TAUB: Mr. Arnold, Dr. House is like a savant when it comes
(glances quickly at the camera) to diagnostics.

JOE: What's his genius theory? Because Kenny's not normal,
(gestures at his son) he's doing drugs to deal with his pain?

TAUB: Maybe a way to look at this is that you ARE normal.
(nods)
JOE: And what's that supposed to mean?
TAUB: You're like any other parent... who thinks HIS kid
can't be doing drugs.
[The camera blurs, refocuses on Kenny, resting.]

INT. - NUCLEAR STUDIES LAB - DOC - B & W - Kenny is sitting
up.
KENNY: Doing this because my dad thinks I'm on drugs?

INT. - NUCLEAR STUDIES LAB - Kenny sits on a diagnostic
table. Kutner prepares to administer the test.

KUTNER: I was doing drugs behind my parent's back at your
age, and I had a lot less reason to be.

[Kutner realizes the stupidity of his comment, tries to make
amends.]
KUTNER: Not that your life must be miserable.

DOC - B & W - Kutner turns, looks directly at the camera,
still trying to fix his boneheaded comment.

KUTNER: Not that I am suggesting you should be doing
drugs.

NUCLEAR STUDIES LAB
KUTNER:(desperately changing the subject) How's school
going?

KENNY: I'm homeschooled.
KUTNER: Really? You're lucky. Going to school was boring.
KENNY: My dad took me out and it wasn't because it was
'boring'.

KUTNER: I had a rough time in school too. Maybe not like
you (makes a hand gesture like Kenny's deformity) but, uh,
well... I don't mean to compare our situations. (thinks a
moment) Actually, I guess I am comparing our situations,
but only to show you how yours is worse.

DOC - B & W - Kutner turns to the cameraman.
KUTNER: You can edit that out, right? So I don't look like an
idiot?

NUCLEAR STUDIES LAB
KENNY: Relax. Everyone acts like an idiot around me. Makes
ya think it's not an act. Can I have something for my
headache?

KUTNER: Yeah. Is that new?
KENNY: Sixteen years old. It has the same birthday I do.
[Kutner stares, astonished.]
KUTNER: (quietly) I'm gonna start the test now.

INT. - OR - House, et al. lurk in a random OR.
KUTNER: Studies showed no signs of scarring in Kenny's
heart.
TAUB: It wasn't drugs.

[House, Kutner, Taub stand in a half-circle. House peruses
the film.]

HOUSE: Well, then give me something better. What's
causing heart block?

TAUB: Could be toxoplasmosis. We should do an LP to test
for infection.

HOUSE: If it was toxoplasmosis, we'd've seen enlarged
lymphs. And because you're not pretty enough to be an
idiot, you must know that already. Which means you just
said it because you want to do an LP for intracranial
pressure.

[Kutner watches, smirking as House, Taub spar.]
TAUB: Because it IS intracranial pressure.

HOUSE: Wait. I'm not done. You thought I wouldn't catch
on, which means either you think I'M an idiot, which is
flattering, doing my hair differently, or ...

KUTNER: The kid's got headaches. He's been popping
acetaminophen like peanuts...

HOUSE: (to Kutner) How could you POSSIBLY think that I
was done? I prefaced that with an 'either'. It needs an 'or'.
(to Taub) Or you ARE an idiot. Which is possible. I'm not
great at judging men's looks.

[House seems embarrassed at the admission. Taub gawps
at Kutner, obviously unsure how to take that.]

INT. - CUDDYS OFFICE - DOC - B & W - Cuddy sits at her
desk, looking earnest for the camera.

CUDDY: The OR?
DARNELL: And the MRI room.

CUDDY: Yes. (long beat) Dr. House frequently conducts
differential diagnosis in a variety of places. (shoveling fast,
furious) He feels that a... change in venue often leads to a
change in thinking processes.

[She nods - 'That's my story - I'm sticking to it'.]
CUDDY: I have to go take care of something else.

[She pops up brightly, charges out of her office. Her
expression changes to one of fury as soon as shes beyond
the camera's range.]

INT. - OR - The argument continues.
TAUB: Just let me do a CT scan, see if I'm right. The sooner
we fix the problem, the sooner we can get to his
reconstructive surgery.

HOUSE: Who cares if you're dead? It's how you look. Well,
since you've given me nothing better, we're back to drugs.

TAUB: The one thing we're know it's not.
[House hands the film to Taub.]
HOUSE: Decreased uptake on the membranous septum.
KUTNER: Could be an artifact. We can redo it.
HOUSE: But nothing's nothing. Do an EP study.
TAUB: EP study means we have to stop this kid's heart.

[House looks grim. He and Taub exchange looks. They both
look at Kutner, who beams.

KUTNER: I'll set it up.
[He dashes off. Then, a voice from above.]
CUDDY: House!
[House turns, sees Cuddy up on the observation deck.]
CUDDY: You have a minute? .To redo some valves?
[House looks guilty, walks off. Taub smiles.]

INT. - CARDIO LAB - DOCUMENTARY BLACK & WHITE - Taub
is prepping for the test.

TAUB: I'm gonna thread this catheter through different
areas in your heart. And once I've found the right pathway,
I'll apply some electrical energy.

INT. - CARDIO LAB
KENNY: Will it stop my heart?
TAUB: Sounds worse than it is. You'll be fine.
KENNY: It gonna hurt?

TAUB: There'll be some discomfort. (beat) If you've done
drugs, I understand. Being different's really hard.

[Taub glances at the camera as it moves in closer.]
DOCUMENTARY BLACK & WHITE - Taub raises his eyebrows
- 'do you mind?'.
CARDIO LAB - Darnell touches the cameraman's arm. The
camera backs off.

TAUB: Kenny. Uhm, it's more important for you to get
better than to worry about getting in trouble.

KENNY: If I did drugs, that could explain my heart problem?
TAUB: It could.
KENNY: Then you could do the surgery to fix my face?

DOC - B & W
TAUB: That's why we're here.

KENNY: You know how famous people, everywhere they go,
people are watching them, staring? They never have a
chance to just be. (pause) Ya know? And a lot of them turn
to drugs. People stare at them because they're beautiful.
But me, they just stare at....


CARDIO LAB - Kenny begins to cough.

TAUB: You okay? (the coughing eases) I need to know what
kind of drugs, Kenny... and how much.

KENNY: Uhm, coke, mostly. Lotta coke. And then uh, when I
run out, I used to go to LSD. Or acid.

TAUB: Those are the same thing.
KENNY: They are?
TAUB: You don't do drugs, do you?
KENNY: I drank from my dad's liquor cabinet...
TAUB: We're not going to do this test.

[The coughing gets worse.]
KENNY: No....
TAUB: I need you to turn on your side.
[Kenny begins to spit up blood.]
TAUB: We need to intubate. (louder) I need some help in
here!

DOC - B & W - The camera catches a glimpse of Kenny,
coughing his life's-blood onto the floor.

FIRST ADS
INT. - CUDDYS OFFICE
House is pacing. Cuddy sits in a chair just outside the door,
reading a magazine, looking nervously into her office. The
rest of the gang is standing, sitting, or leaning as they find
space.

HOUSE: Too bad you guys are going for a theatrical release.
Vomiting blood would have made a great act-out. Likely
causes?

KUTNER: Mallory Weiss tear.
HOUSE: No pallor. No melena. (scornfully) Why are you
wearing a tie?

INT. - CUDDYS OFFICE - DOC - B & W
KUTNER: (earnestly into the camera) I always wear ties. I'm
a doctor.
DARNELL: Please don't look at the camera.
KUTNER: Sorry.

[Volakis looks up from her vantage point on the table by the
sofa.]
VOLAKIS: (earnestly) Nasal papilloma. Hemorrhage could
have overwhelmed the heart.

HOUSE: Nice lipstick.
VOLAKIS: Thank you.

[The camera is deliberately blocked by House's suit jacket.]

HOUSE: Bad idea.

CUDDYS OFFICE
HOUSE: The hemorrhage came after the block.

[The cameraman moves. House moves with him. Foreman
speaks up from where he's leaning against the bookcase.]

FOREMAN: House. Let them do their job.

HOUSE: Anybody here more interested in the medicine and
a little less interested in the paparazzi?

[House cocks his thumb at the camera crew, thoroughly
annoyed.]

TERZI: Upper GI bleed. Could be something he ate or drank.
Maybe a peptic ulcer.

HOUSE: Good.

FOREMAN: Except no abdominal pain, the patient hasn't
lost his appetite, and the last I checked the gastrointestinal
tract isn't connected to the heart.

HOUSE: Yeah. But other than that. Real good.
THIRTEEN: Nasopharyngeal angiofibrosis.
HOUSE: I just said it wasn't a nasal tumor.

COLE: Stomach cancer. Tumor causes bleeding, body's
reaction to the tumor causes paraneoplastic syndrome
which leads to heart block.

[House walks over to the far corner where Cole is standing.]

HOUSE: Finally! Someone who is NOT just a pretty face. You
and Taub, run the 'scope, find the tumor.

[Taub stands.]

TAUB: Ah... could be dangerous. If the bleeding was caused
by liver failure as a result of the intracranial pressure....

HOUSE: Liver is the one organ you can't ascribe to
intracranial pressure.
*The camera, everyones eyes swing to Taub.]

DOC - B & W - Taub does a 'deer-in-the-headlights'.

TAUB: True. [Taub walks off.]

INT. - MEN'S ROOM - Taub, Cole are at the urinals.

TAUB: (muttering) Intracranial pressure CAN cause liver
problems. It causes an increase in the cavernous sinus
pressure, which causes pressure in the superior vena cava,
which shuts down the liver.

COLE: Did you just think of that?
TAUB: No.
COLE: Then why didn't you say anything...?
TAUB: Think he'd change his mind? Not a chance.
[Taub finishes, goes over to the sink.]

TAUB: House would have undercut me, forced me to do a
procedure I'd just argued against...

[Taub turns to Cole as he joins him.]

TAUB: ...and then I'd look like a hypocrite in front of the
thousands of people and potential future employers
watching this film.

COLE: If you're right and you stick a 'scope back down a kid
with liver failure, he could bleed again.

TAUB: I know.

INT. - POTW'S ROOM - DOCUMENTARY BLACK & WHITE -
Taub explains the procedure to Joe.

JOE: He just vomited blood. Isn't that dangerous?
[Taubs thinks, glances at the camera, comes to a decision.]
TAUB: (oozing sincerity) Nope. You're in good hands.
[Joe still unsure, throws up his hands.]
JOE: All right.

[The camera swings to Kenny, being examined by Cole.
Kenny looks concerned as he watches his father.]

EXT. - PPTH - DAY - The backside of PPTH bakes gently in the
sun.
WILSON: (VOICEOVER) Well, it's great how he rebounded...

INT. - WILSON'S OFFICE - DOC - B & W - Wilson is at his
desk, radiating serious.

WILSON: ... from that setback.
DARNELL: What setback?

WILSON: He didn't tell you about the... well, it's his right.
The records WERE sealed. Personally, I think he WAS just
tapping his foot and reaching for the toilet paper.
Obviously, it was a witch hunt.

DARNELL: You think they singled him out because...

WILSON: No. Literally a witch hunt. Dr. House is a practicing
Wiccan. It's a beautiful religion. It's very caring.

[Wilson startles at the bang of the door.]
HOUSE: Hey, hey, hey hey! [House puts his face into the
shot. Very annoyed.] You have an all-access pass to the
case, not my Fave Five. So go.

INT. - WILSON'S OFFICE - House shoos Darnell et al. out.
HOUSE: Come on, come on - let's go!

[House watches them leave, stalks over to steal Wilson's
chair.]

HOUSE: I think I'm going blind.
WILSON: Hairy palms, too?

[Wilson moves from atop his desk to one of the chairs
against the wall.]

HOUSE: She said something idiotic again and I didn't even
notice it. It took Foreman to point out that it was idiotic.
She's making ME an idiot.

WILSON: That's cute. You have a crush.
HOUSE: No, I think it's something systemic.
WILSON: Thirteen's pretty. You're obviously okay with her.
HOUSE: She killed a PATIENT.

WILSON: The bitch is pretty.
HOUSE: The bitch is a bitch.
WILSON: Ask her out.
HOUSE: The bitch? She's a BITCH.

WILSON: No. The one that's making you an idiot. The story
of life. Boy meets girl, boy gets stupid, boy and girl live
stupidly ever after.

[House's pager goes off.]
WILSON: Pretty girl kill again?
HOUSE: Nope, Elephant Boy just vomiting up blood again.

[House rises, heads out. Wilson stares after him.]

INT. - AUDITORIUM - Candidates, film crew, Foreman - all
eyes are on the door as House walks in. House glares
suspiciously at the candidates as Cole begins his report.

COLE: No tumors in the patient's stomach. So...

TAUB: (interrupting) The laparoscope caused variceal
bleeding. Took twenty minutes of banding to stop it.

COLE: Taub was right about the liver failure.
HOUSE: Yeah.
[House transfers his glare to the film crew.]

TAUB: His cranio-facial deformity is causing intracranial
pressure which is cau...

HOUSE: Nope. Where are the nosebleeds? Where's the
labored bleeding? You were right about me being wrong.
You're wrong about you being right. (to the room) I need
new ideas. Anybody.

[House looks around.]

INT. - AUDITORIUM - DOC - B & W - Thirteen stares at the
camera, trapped, then guiltily at House. Volakis glances at
House, then down, away.

AUDITORIUM - Silence reigns as Foreman, House look on.
DOC - B & W - The other candidates are equally unwilling to
risk appearing the fool on film.

AUDITORIUM - House grows more and more impatient.
Finally, he whirls on the film crew, causing the mic operator
to jump back.

HOUSE: Does it bother you...

DOC - B & W
HOUSE: ...that this kid's gonna die because you won't put
down that camera?

AUDITORIUM
HOUSE: At all? You know?

DARNELL: You people should be extra motivated. I'm sure
they all want to look good in the film.

DOC - B & W
HOUSE: (sarcastically patient) No. Now they're too worried
about looking BAD.

AUDITORIUM
TERZI: Dr. House.
[House turns.]

TERZI: Heart block plus liver failure could mean auto-
immune. Maybe scleroderma.

HOUSE: (out of the corner of his mouth) Foreman? Does
that make sense?

FOREMAN: Not without tight skin on the hands, muscle
weakness, and a thirty-year-old patient.

THIRTEEN: Liver failure plus heart block could be a
mitochondrial disorder.

[House raises his eyebrows, deciding if it makes sense, then
calls to Kutner.]

HOUSE: Hey. Say what she just said.

KUTNER: (confused) Liver failure plus heart block could be a
mitochondrial disorder?

[House considers, then raises his cane - 'go forth'.]
HOUSE: Go look for signs of retinal degeneration.
TAUB: No. It's ICP. You're only going to see swelling.
House indicates Taub with his cane.
HOUSE: Take him with you, so he can see the degeneration
too.
Taub gets up obediently; Volakis, Taub leave.

INT. - ER - DOC - B & W - Cameron is dealing with a patient,
middle-aged, male.
DARNELL: So, before you worked here in the ER, you
worked for House, right?
CAMERON: Three-and-a-half years.
DARNELL: Why did you leave?

MALE PATIENT: Hey. I don't want to be on TV. I'm not
signing a release.
DARNELL: We'll blur you out.
CAMERON: (to patient) Take off your pants.

MALE PATIENT: (to cameraman) Will you be able to use any
of this if I start swearing?

INT. - ER - Darnell stands there looking earnest.
DARNELL: Did House treat you as badly as he treats his
current fellows?

DOC - B & W
CAMERON: Loaded question.

MALE PATIENT: (bending over table) Faaark. (giggles) That's
not even a word.

ER
MALE PATIENT: (still giggling) Fork!
DARNELL: (dryly) Very clever.
[Cameron, Darnell share a moment of exasperation.]

DOC - B & W
CAMERON: I learned how to be a doctor from House. Or at
least a doctor who learned how to be a doctor from House,
if that makes any sense.

ER
DARNELL: And you left his team because you couldn't stand
him any more?

DOC - B & W - Cameron leans over, examining the patient.
CAMERON: No... no. I... I love Dr. House.

ER
DARNELL: Well that's something we haven't heard.

DOC - B & W - Cameron stares at the camera, realizing the
implications too late.

CAMERON: I mean... (the blue screen of death descends)
what did you ask me again?

DARNELL: Why you left.
[Cameron tries, fails, to make it better.]

CAMERON: I loved... being around him. Professionally. You
know... he was always... stimulating. Not... in an erotic
sense of the word.

MALE PATIENT: (grinning knowingly) Fork! They forked. And
then they spooned.

INT. - LAB - DOCUMENTARY BLACK & WHITE - Volakis' face
fills the screen.
VOLAKIS: Lean forward and place your chin on the rest.
[Kenny tries, fails.]
KENNY: I can't reach it.

INT. - OPTICAL TESTING ROOM - Volakis, unsure, glances
over at Taub.
VOLAKIS: Uh, scootch in a little.
[Taub turns confidently to Joe.]
TAUB: I'll take care of it.
[He begins to walk over to Kenny.]
JOE: (quietly sarcastic) Just like last time?

Taub stops, turns back, glares at Joe before continuing over
to Kenny.

TAUB: Maybe we should try this the old-fashioned way
(waves a ophthalmoscope back and forth), hmmm?

[Taub shooes Volakis, who moves the equipment table out
of the way, then stands behind Taub, hands on hips, very
put out.]

TAUB: 'k.... Look up at the ceiling. And try not to blink,
okay?

DOC - B & W - Taub examines one eye, then the other.
TAUB: Ok, good. Now straight ahead.

OPTICAL TESTING - Taub continues the exam as Volakis
glares.

DOC - B & W - He straightens triumphantly.
TAUB: There it is. Swelling. No degeneration.

[He smiles at Kenny then glances at Volakis, who nods her
agreement.]

TAUB: (VOICEOVER) It's not mitochondrial. Swelling
proves...

INT. - HALLWAY - The gang proceeds down the hallway,
crew tagging along behind like a set of meta-ducklings.

TAUB: ... there's increased pressure in his brain.
[The gang round the corner.]
HOUSE: Absolutely.
TAUB: So now we can reschedule the reconstruction.
HOUSE: Absolutely not.

TAUB: Your test proved you wrong. We found exactly what I
predicted we'd find.

HOUSE: Swelling means there's increased pressure. You get
a gold Star of David for proving that...

[They round another corner.]

HOUSE: ...yes, this kid has a big head and big heads cause
pressure. Doesn't explain the liver.

TAUB: Too much acetaminophen does.

HOUSE: JRA explains all of it, including the liver. One
theory's better than two.

[Taub throws up a hand in frustration, covering the gesture
by running his hand through his hair.]

HOUSE: Treat with steroids.
TAUB: IF you're wrong...

[Taub stops, forcing House to stop and face him. The
camera halts, swings around to better record the
confrontation.]

TAUB: ...steroids are going to mess with his immune
system...

DOC - B & W
TAUB: ...put off his surgery for months.
HOUSE: You really want to lose this argument in front of the
camera?

[Taub glances furtively at the camera, considers, caves.]

TAUB: I'll speak to the father.

[Taub walks off. House shrugs to the camera before walking
off in the opposite direction.]

INT. - POTW'S ROOM - Taub, Joe confer at the foot of
Kenny's bed. The crew arrange themselves around the bed.

TAUB: Dr. House believes that Kenny has JRA - Juvenile
Rheumatoid Arthritis. And we need to start administering
steroids.

DOC - B & W
JOE: Will the steroids fix it?

[Taub looks at the camera, considers, decides.]
TAUB: I don't think he has JRA.

POTW'S ROOM
TAUB: I think Dr. House is wrong, and that the steroid
treatment could be dangerous.(pause) I think I can get
House thrown off the case, and get Kenny the facial surgery
he needs.

SECOND ADS
INT. - CUDDYS OFFICE
Cuddy at her desk - Taub stands facing her. House stares
out her door.

CUDDY: The father refused steroids until we're sure about
the diagnosis.
HOUSE: I AM sure. (turns) It's JRA.

[House stalks back to Taub, leans over to get into Taub's
face.]

HOUSE: And why would he even doubt that, unless a
FORMER fellow of mine was chirping in his ear.

[He paces back doorwards.]
TAUB: The decision was his. I merely voiced my concern.
[As he passes Taub, House fires a question at him.]
HOUSE: Why did you take this job?

[House reaches the door again, turns, continues to
interrogate Taub.]

TAUB: He's got a bulging cyst...
[Cuddy stares dispassionately.]
HOUSE: You had a perfectly good plastic surgery practice...
lots of money.
TAUB: ...fluids aren't draining properly...

[House paces back to Taub. Cuddy raises her eyebrows at
the antics.]

HOUSE: The temptation to come screw with me just too
much for you? There's got to be a better reason.

TAUB: He needs surgery.
[House leans over again, even heavier on the sarcasm.]
HOUSE: Oh, and I think I mentioned this earlier - you're
fired.
[Taub cocks his head questioningly. Cuddy glares at him.]

CUDDY: (to Taub) What you did was over the line. (indicates
the door) Get out.

[House makes a lunge for the door, holds it open for Taub.
Taub looks back at him.]

CUDDY: But don't go anywhere. You're not fired. (beat) YET.

[Taub looks to Cuddy, then House, then leaves. House
shakes his head, cocking a thumb in Taub's direction, starts
to say something. Cuddy cuts him off.]

CUDDY: No-one is firing anyone in the middle of this case.
Not while those cameras are here, and not while Taub is
the ONLY person that his father trusts.

[House considers, nods, turns to leave. He gets as far as the
door before Cuddy calls after him.]

CUDDY: Where are you going?
HOUSE: To do what I always do in these situations.
[House throws open the door, starts to walk through it.]
HOUSE: Treat my patient behind his back.

[Cuddy looks at House with mixed patience, exasperation.]

CUDDY: That's one option.(beat) Or you can do a CT scan of
the kid's head. If there's no mid-line shift, we know Taub's
wrong and you get your consent to give the kid steroids.

[House considers in silence, as he holds the door open.]

HOUSE: Just a warning. If we have to start getting consent
every time we do a procedure, soon they'll be asking for
INFORMED consent.

[With that dire prediction, House throws the door open
further, turns, leaves.]

INT. - CT LAB - Kenny is being sent into the CT scanner. Taub
is at the computer, Foreman standing next to him.

FOREMAN: Didn't think you had the guts to stage a coup.
TAUB: Coup failed. I'm scheduled for execution at dawn.
FOREMAN: No, you're not.
TAUB: No reprieve from the governor.

FOREMAN: You're a test result away from becoming
House's front-runner. He doesn't care about what you said
or what you did five minutes ago. He just wants the next
good idea. (beat) Show me twenty percent magnification of
the forebrain.

TAUB: I look at our patient, as soon as I saw his face, I saw a
regular kid.

[Foreman stares at him.]

TAUB: One thing about being a plastic surgeon - you don't
see what is, you see what could be.

FOREMAN: Talk like THAT around House, doesn't matter
how many good ideas you come up with.

[Taub glances to Foreman, quirking his lips.]

INT. - TAUB'S OLD PRACTICE OFFICE - House sits in a leather
chair inside a elegantly appointed office, clicking his finger
between his teeth as he waits.

EX-PARTNER: So.

[House sits across a desk from a middle-aged man in long
sleeves, tie.]

EX-PARTNER: Tell me what you don't like about yourself.
HOUSE: Uh... gosh. Uh... there's so many things.
[Taub's ex-partner listens attentively.]

HOUSE: Ah... is Dr. Taub available? Because he was very
highly recommended....

EX-PARTNER: Well, he's no longer practicing with us, but
I've taken over all his files, so if you tell me what needs
work...

HOUSE: Do you know why he left?

EX-PARTNER: Well, he had... personal issues to deal with so
if we could just....

HOUSE: Oh, my Goodness! Is he okay?
EX-PARTNER: Oh, yeah. He's fine.

HOUSE: 'cause... because my friend had his ears done by Dr.
Taub. Should he worry that they may... pop back?

EX-PARTNER: (smiles gently) No. It wasn't a professional
issue. I'm sorry, I really can't go into more detail. Shall we
discuss YOUR needs?

[He opens a file.]

HOUSE: You know that toe... next to the big toe? Mine's
bigger than my big toe. Is there any way to shorten it? Or
make my big toe bigger? Like a toe-gmentation? (inquiring)
Did he lie, cheat, or steal?

EX-PARTNER (realizing what House is up to): You're not
here for a consultation, are you?
HOUSE: What gave me away? Was it my obviously perfect
feet?
[House rises, picks up his cane, leaves.]

INT. - HOUSE'S OFFICE - The camera crew, Darnell,
candidates are in various states of repose. Taub is perusing
the CT scans as House enters, takes off his jacket, throws it
in the direction of the chair. Darnell ducks.

HOUSE: Hi!

[The cameraman starts to pick up his camera, now that the
main attraction has returned.]

TAUB: CT shows...

[Taub starts to offer the CT film to House, who snatches it
abruptly from his hand.]

HOUSE: Let's go!

INT. - NURSE'S STATION - DOC B & W - Cuddy reviews a file
as the crowd suddenly descends. Recovering her aplomb,
she turns to House.

CUDDY: What are you two doing here?

HOUSE: Skipping three scenes. CT's back. (indicates Taub)
He's gonna say that there's evidence of an anomaly, I'm
gonna say he's wrong, he's gonna go back to the father, and
we'll all end up here.

[Taub snatches the film back from House.]

POTW'S ROOM - Taub shows the film to Cuddy; House lurks
off to the side.

TAUB: Defect is pushing on the right frontal lobe. This bend
is a sign of herniation.

HOUSE: Or it's a sign of increased pressure from JRA.

[Cuddy takes the film from House, holds it up to the light,
goes in search of a lightbox.]

DOC - B & W - Taub starts to follow. House calls out.
HOUSE: Dr. Taub would rather distract you from the truth...

INT. - NURSE'S STATION
HOUSE: ... with sparkly things like four-carat diamonds.
[Taub stops, turns to House.]
TAUB: (half-pleading, half- warning) House.
HOUSE: Your partner said...

DOC - B & W - House, Taub square off to the side.
HOUSE: ...that you left for personal reasons. But your wife
said you lost a patient.
TAUB: You son-of-a-bitch. You spoke to my wife?
HOUSE: See, that confused me.

[Taub starts to walk away. A furtive glance camera-ward
sends him bolting for the safety of another treatment
room. House follows.]

HOUSE: Why would you give her a diamond if you screwed
somebody else over? If you screwed HER over, I mean that
could... I....

Taub disappears inside the other room.

INT. - PATIENT'S ROOM - House follows. A doctor and his
assistant perform some kind of gynecological exam on a
middle-aged woman. He looks up at their entrance.

DOCTOR: Get that camera out of here!

[Taub whirls, shoves the cameraman back out the door,
slams it shut, turns back to face House, who gives a guarded
glance in the direction of the patient before turning back to
Taub. By unspoken accord, they move their conversation
closer to the wall.]

TAUB: You say anything to her?
HOUSE: Just asked questions.
[The woman raises her head in complaint.]
FEMALE PATIENT: Get them out of here too!
[Taub turns to the woman.]
TAUB: (snaps) We're doctors.

[Taub gives the woman a brief exaggerated smile, before
turning back to House.]

TAUB: I screwed around with a nurse. It became a deal. My
partners found out... and I resigned. (quietly bitter) There.
Happy?

HOUSE: If you could be a bit more descriptive, I'd be
happier.
TAUB: Some people pop pain pills. I cheat. We all have our
vices.
[Taub strides past House out to the waiting camera.]

INT. - POTW'S ROOM - DOC B & W - Taub turns right,
instead of back to Kenny. Cuddy calls after him.

CUDDY: Taub. I don't see it. Stay away from the family. (to
House) House, start steroids and stay away from his family.

[Cuddy walks away. Taub, House stare after her, neither
one completely satisfied. Taub glares at House, walks off.
House looks at the camera, but says nothing.]

INT. - POTW'S ROOM - Joe sits next to Kenny's bed, looks up
as the door opens. House walks in, notices the camera
crew, glares at them.

DOC - B & W - House walks over to Kenny's bedside.
HOUSE: Wow! You are ugly.
[House looks at the camera as if searching for validation...
or a reaction.]
KENNY: Wow. You're an ass. I have a deformity.
HOUSE: I know. That's why you're ugly.

House picks up Kenny's chart from the foot of the bed.
HOUSE: But you're a lucky boy. Anywhere else in the animal
kingdom, your parents would have eaten you at birth.

[Joe glares at House.]
HOUSE: Your son needs steroids.
[He puts the file back.]
HOUSE: Dr. Cuddy agrees.
JOE: Does Dr. Taub?

HOUSE: He's not a real doctor. He's a plastic surgeon. All he
cares is that your son looks good in his COFFIN.

JOE: So, I'm supposed to believe you. A doctor who cares.
HOUSE: You shouldn't care if I care.
JOE: I don't trust you.

HOUSE: Because... I don't think the surgery's important.
You're putting your trust in someone who DOES think the
surgery's important. You're willing to take chances, to risk
your son's life for something he doesn't need?

KENNY: I DO need it!
[House backs up slightly from the force of Kenny's words.]

DOC - B & W
KENNY: (to House) I can't have real relationships, I can't
even have a real conversation. Not even with my Dad.

[Joe looks at his son, shocked.]

KENNY: Dad, I know you love me. But you don't treat me
normal. You're always protective. The world can always go
to hell. But you never yell at me, even when I screw up.

[Kenny looks up at House.]
KENNY: I want to be normal.

[House bows his head ever so slightly in acknowledgement.]
HOUSE (quietly): Take your steroids. And you get to
live.(shrugs) And you can do your surgery. And it'll only
change your face. It won't change who your face made you.

[House turns, walks away. Joe looks uncomfortable, as if
undecided whether to be angry or sympathetic.]

INT. - HALLWAY - Wilson, House are outside a storage room
- Wilson leaning against the door, trying (and failing) to look
innocent - House jangling keys, trying to find the right one
for the lock.

WILSON: We're gonna get caught.
HOUSE: But not on film. All their camera equipment's in
here.
[Wilson gestures - 'you've got a point'.]

WILSON: Where'd you get those keys?
HOUSE: Blue the janitor.
[Wilson struggles to parse that.]

WILSON: What?
HOUSE: That's his name.
WILSON: His name's LOU.

[House finally finds the right key.]
HOUSE: Owe him an apology.
[House opens the door, agitated.]

HOUSE: Just watch twenty minutes of this stuff, tell me if
I'm out of my mind.

[House picks up his cane, passes Wilson, being careful not
to touch him, goes inside.]

WILSON: (dryly) Finally. We have video evidence.

[Wilson follows as House looks back to make sure they
weren't seen, closes the door.]

INT. - STORAGE ROOM - House, Wilson sit at a table laden
with editing equipment, watching footage.

TERZI: (ONSCREEN) Dr. House. Heart block plus liver failure
could mean autoimmune. Maybe scleroderma.

HOUSE: (ONSCREEN) Foreman, does that make sense?

FOREMAN: (ONSCREEN) Not without tight skin on the
hands, muscle weakness, and a thirty-year-old patient.

[House hits the 'Stop' button.]
WILSON: Can I see that again?
HOUSE: What did you miss? She screwed up, I didn't...

WILSON: No, just the part where she leans forward. I think
you can see through her dress.

[House gives Wilson an exasperated look, but winds the
film back, hits 'Play'.]

TERZI: (ONSCREEN) Upper GI bleed. Could be from
something he ate or drank. Maybe a peptic ulcer.

HOUSE: (ONSCREEN) Good.
[House winces, puts his head on his hand.]
WILSON: You... thought... that was a good idea?

HOUSE: What am I going to do?
WILSON: (laughs) Just... enjoy.
HOUSE: I'm gonna to keep her around because she makes
me an idiot?

WILSON: Well, you're protected. Foreman seems immune.
HOUSE: You think he's gay?
WILSON: Did he become an idiot around Chase?
[House considers the point.]

HOUSE: (ONSCREEN) I just said it's not a nasal tumor...
WILSON: Wait a minute. Rewind that. Was that Thirteen?
(grins, chuckles) Wow!
[Wilson gets up, heads for the door.]

HOUSE: I can't believe I'm that guy.
WILSON: EVERY guy is that guy.
HOUSE: I'm not every guy.

WILSON: What is this - semantics here? Okay... ALL guys are
that guy.
HOUSE: I'm not all guys.
HOUSE: Cameron was smart.
WILSON: You know, I'm beginning to doubt that.

[Wilson walks out. House hits 'Play', considers.]

INT. - LOCKER ROOM
CAMERON: I wanted to clarify something I said earlier. I
love Dr. House. And then I qualified it. Which, after thinking
about it, I didn't really need to do. I did love being around
him. I guess... I just wanted to qualify what I qualified
before. (beat) I'm looking defensive, aren't I?

[Cameron has actually been looking into a mirror as she
practices her speech. Chase sits on a bench on the other
side of the room.]

CHASE: No, no. I think that's great. It clears everything up.

[Cameron turns, gives Chase a look of equal parts
exasperation and terror, turns back to the mirror.]

CAMERON: It's no big deal, really.

INT. - LIGHT BOX ROOM - House walks over to the light
table. Taub is looking at the films again.

TAUB: There's a masked lesion in the left anterior temporal
lobe surrounded by edema.

HOUSE: Did you just insult me in Pig Latin?
[Taub looks up.]
TAUB: Dr. House. Please. Will you just take a look at this?

[He walks over to one of the lightboxes, hangs the film up.]
TAUB: The defect is causing this nodular shadow here. You
see?
HOUSE: You're right. I didn't see that before. [House looks
down at Taub.] Come on. Let's go!

[He heads off. Taub grabs the film, follows.]

INT. - POTW'S ROOM - House slides open the door, sticks
his head in.
HOUSE: Hey.
[Joe gets up as House enters.]

HOUSE: I know you think you're feeling better... on account
of feeling better, but this trusted family doctor thinks that
he's found a masked lesion, so if you could lie back down
and struggle to breathe....

TAUB: Okay. You were right.
[Taub comes fully into the room.]

TAUB: I'm thrilled I'm wrong. This is great, Kenny. You're
gonna get your surgery now.

[Kenny, Joe rejoice.]

KENNY: (to House) First person I'm comin' back to see... is
you. 'Cause compared to me, you're gonna look like butt.

JOE: Hey.
KENNY: What? No comeback?
[Taub smirks. House is staring down intently.]

HOUSE: (to Taub) Look at that.
TAUB: What?
HOUSE: His little finger. It's twitching.

[Joe, Taub look down.]
TAUB: No... it's not.
HOUSE: Just give it a second.

[Kenny's little finger twitches.]
HOUSE: There.
[Kenny looks up at House inquiringly.]
TAUB: And?

HOUSE: He's not better.
[Taub starts to say something.]
JOE: What's wrong?
HOUSE: My diagnosis. I don't know what he has.

[House turns to Taub.]
HOUSE: Cancel the surgery.

[House walks away. Taub looks at Kenny, who looks at Joe.
All are unsure.]

THIRD ADS
INT. - AUDITORIUM
The camera crew are in the back, filming. House is in the
front, pacing. The candidates are in the middle, thinking.

HOUSE: New symptom. Involuntary muscle movement.
TERZI: (disbelieving) Twitching finger is a symptom?

HOUSE: The body doing something it's not supposed to do
is the DEFINITION of a symptom.

TAUB: Kid's about to have a life-changing operation. He's
nervous.
HOUSE: Or he's not.
[Foreman speaks up from his perch on the desk.]

FOREMAN: Or you were right. Kid got better when we put
him on steroids. This is JRA. And it's under control now.

[House has taken up a perch on the table closer to the
door.]
HOUSE: Or the steroids have just tempered his condition.
[House reaches into his jacket pocket for his pills.]
HOUSE: You get a haircut, and still got bad hair.

THIRTEEN: What about Lyme disease?

[Volakis looks over at her inquiringly. House pauses, bottle
in his hands.]

THIRTEEN: It explains everything - the heart issues, the
internal bleeding, even why he'd get better on steroids.

[House carefully spills some pills into his hand.]

HOUSE: On the other hand, if he has Lyme Disease, there
would be other subtle clues, like a huge, target-shaped
rash. But thanks for playing.

[House swallows the pills.]
TAUB: Why can't you just accept the fact you cured this kid?
[House freezes, focusing all his attention on Taub.]
TAUB: (accusing) You want to stop his surgery! You're not
normal.

DOC - B & W
TAUB: So you don't want anybody else to be normal. You
don't think normal's healthy.

AUDITORIUM - House stares at Taub, disbelieving.

DOC - B & W - Thirteen looks around, embarrassed. Kutner
looks around as if hoping he won't be called on.

AUDITORIUM - As House searches the auditorium for
someone with the courage to state an opinion, Volakis
pipes up.

VOLAKIS: (timidly) Could be rheumatic fever. Also explains
why the steroids helped - it's a similar inflammatory
disease.

COLE: Rheumatic fever doesn't explain liver failure.
HOUSE: Taub thinks that acetaminophen does.
[Darnell leans forward in her chair, the better to observe.]

DOC - B & W
TAUB: Fine. Let's test your theory. Remove his pacing wire.
If he's better, his heart'll beat just fine on its own, and then
he can have his operation.

[The camera goes from Taub to Thirteen, who is doing her
best to duck, to House.]

HOUSE: If I'm right, his heart will stop. (beat) Kutner, keep
the paddles on stand-by.

[House gets up from the table.]
HOUSE: Another chance to blow someone up.
[House walks off.]

EXT. - PPTH - DAY - The backside of PPTH, from above.

TAUB: (VOICEOVER) There'll be some minor discomfort...

INT. - POTW'S ROOM - Taub is getting ready to pull the
wire. Joe stands to the other side of the bed, looking
concerned.

TAUB: ...and you'll feel a slow, steady pulling sensation.
[Kenny looks from Taub to Joe.]
JOE: Are you SURE his heart is ready for this?

[Before Taub can reply, House chimes in from where he is
leaning against the counter in the back of the room.]

HOUSE: Absolutely.

DOC - B & W
HOUSE: He's convinced he's sure. Whereas, I care about
your son, and have therefore brought a professional
defibrillist.

[Kutner, paddles in hand, winks, raises one of them
confidently.]

POTW'S ROOM - Joe, not favorably impressed, turns to
Taub.
TAUB: (confidently) We're not going to need those.
[Taub glares at House. House stares back, unimpressed.]

KENNY: Dad. I feel fine. My finger hasn't moved in a while.
[Taub looks on, waiting. Joe fidgets, undecided.]
JOE: Okay. Take 'im off.
TAUB: Here we go.
House gets up, moves closer. Kutner stands ready, paddles
still in hand.

DOC - B & W - Taub pulls the wire, slowly but surely.

POTW'S ROOM - Joe looks on nervously as Kenny winces a
little. House moves still closer.

DOC - B & W - The monitor shows Kennys heart rate
holding steady.

POTW'S ROOM - Kenny winces again, then the wire is out.
Taub holds it up as House looks on. Joe looks at the
monitor, at Taub.

TAUB: Heart rate's 85 beats per minute.

DOC - B & W - The monitor holds steady.
TAUB: BP 110 over 70.
JOE: Is he okay?

POTW'S ROOM
KENNY: I feel the same.
[Kutner puts up the clearly unneeded paddles.]
TAUB: (to House) He's fine.

[House considers.]
TAUB: (to Kenny) You're fine.
JOE: Thank God.
[Joe reaches down, hugs his son tightly.]

HOUSE: What you do mean, 'Thank God'?
[He turns, starts to walk towards the door.]

DOC - B & W
HOUSE: (over his shoulder) God's the guy who gave it to
him.
[House walks out, sliding the door shut behind him.]

POTW'S ROOM - Taub smiles. Joe releases his son, looks up
at Taub.
JOE: Thank you.
[He looks down at his son, then back up at Taub.]
JOE: Thank you.

DOC - B & W - Kenny is looking a bit dazed, but happy.

SERIES OF SHOTS
WALKING THE HALLWAY - DOC - B & W - Joe accompanies
Kenny as he is pushed down the hallway towards the OR.

WALKING THE HALLWAY - The camera crew is filming as
Kenny, his father go through the doors.

HOUSE THINKING - House bounces the BOUO against the
whiteboard, thinking hard.

COMPUTER VIEW OF POTW'S FACE - Views of Kenny's face -
a CGI mockup on the left, and pictures of him at various
ages on the right.
BACK TO SCENE

INT. - OR CONTROL ROOM - Chase and the chief surgeon
are standing in front of the computer screens.

DARNELL: Can you tell us about the procedure?

SURGEON: We have to use both an extra- and intra-cranial
approach to get enough exposure to reduce the
encephalocele cyst and do the bony reconstruction.

DOC - B & W - Darnell walks over to where Thirteen is
lurking off to the side.
DARNELL: (to Thirteen) And how are you participating in the
procedure?

OR CONTROL ROOM - Chase turns to Darnell, answers the
question for her.
CHASE: She's not. (smiles)

DOC - B & W
THIRTEEN: They don't want me here because they think the
kid's cured. I don't.

OR CONTROL ROOM
DARNELL: And what do you think the problem is?

DOC - B & W
THIRTEEN: Wish I knew. I just know that if Dr. House is
right,(looks over her shoulder) something's gonna go
wrong.

DARNELL: Dr. House doesn't think he's right.
THIRTEEN: Well, then I'll just waste a few hours watching
the surgery.
CHASE: See, the danger is...

OR CONTROL ROOM
CHASE: ...we have to reconstruct all the way down to the
cranial base...

[Chase indicates the computer picture.]

CHASE: ...and there are some big vessels down there. So
what we'll do is work our way down to here...

[Thirteen goes on the alert.]
THIRTEEN: When were these pictures taken?
CHASE: Well, about three weeks ago. Why? What do you
see?

[The computer screen again with more recent pictures on
it.]
THIRTEEN: Well, the acanthosis nigricans was already there.

CHASE: (condescendingly) It's... been there a lot longer than
that. (to the camera) Probably his whole life.

THIRTEEN: What about around his hairline?

OR CONTROL ROOM
CHASE: What? There's no discoloration.

DOC - B & W
THIRTEEN: There is now.
[Chase looks at the camera, then back down, considering.]

INT. - HOUSE'S OFFICE - House sits in the Eames chair,
fiddling meditatively with the BOUO.

[Wilson opens the door without knocking, comes in. House
puts the BOUO up against his forehead.]

HOUSE: I have a new theory. Her bad ideas don't indicate a
lack of intelligence, they indicate an open mind, the
willingness not to be trapped by conventional....

[Wilson holds up a hand. When House stops, Wilson
indicates him.]
WILSON: You've got a problem.
HOUSE: Tell me something I don't know.

WILSON: You hire beautiful girls, enslave them...
[House rolls his eyes, steeling himself against the lecture.]

WILSON: ...force them to be around you because you don't
know how to have an actual relationship. If they're
qualified, keep them. If they're not, fire them... and ask
them out.

[Wilson spreads his hands in a 'that's all' gesture.]

HOUSE: You DO realize that 'tell me something I don't
know' is just an expression.

WILSON: Thirteen...
HOUSE: You think that just because she's as beautiful ...
ergo...
[Wilson shakes his head.]
HOUSE: ...you think that because she hasn't had a decent
idea....

WILSON: No, my point is, she's about to enter your office,
so you should shut up!

[House instantly goes on the alert as Thirteen bursts
excitedly into the room. By the time she comes to a stop in
front of him, House has schooled himself back into his
customary boredom. Wilson turns his back, walks a few
steps away to give them privacy.]

THIRTEEN: You were right about the diagnosis.
HOUSE: Yes. It was JRA. I'm very proud.
THIRTEEN: No, I mean you were right about being wrong.

[Wilson turns back around.]
THIRTEEN: He's got Lyme Disease. It explains everything.
[House blinks.]

HOUSE: Would you just hold up some fingers so I can see if
I'm literally blind? We ruled out Lyme Disease HOURS ago.

THIRTEEN: All the symptoms fit.
HOUSE: I am so ashamed. (to Wilson) She really that good
looking?
WILSON: Apparently.
HOUSE: How many lives have been lost because of pretty
girls?

THIRTEEN: The target rash is hiding!
[House sits, finally listening, weighing her words.]
THIRTEEN: No one ever looked at him closely enough.

[She pauses, then dashes back out. House watches her go,
then looks at Wilson, levers himself out of the chair, and
follows Thirteen.]

INT. - OR OBSERVATION ROOM - House and Wilson stand in
the observation area as the surgical team begins the
surgery on Kenny.

INT. - OR - They look at Kenny's face. Thirteen indicates the
shadow that wasn't there before.

DOC - B & W - They begin to shave Kenny's head. As they do
so, the rash appears.
Thirteen looks up at House, as if asking for vindication.

OR OBSERVATION ROOM - House stands there, hands
folded over his cane, wearing an expression of complete
satisfaction.

HOUSE: She's getting uglier by the second.
[Wilson smiles.]

INT. - HOUSE'S OFFICE - DOC - B & W - House sits behind his
desk, dressed in only a t-shirt.

HOUSE: We can try and pretend we're above it. We can try
and intellectualize it away, but ultimately, shiny, pretty,
perky things are good, and ugly, misshapen teenaged boys
are repulsive.

DARNELL: The question was... do you resent Dr. Cuddy's
interference in your practice?

HOUSE: Oh. Well, then, I guess my answer wasn't very
helpful, was it?

EXT. - PPTH - TWILIGHT - The sun sets over PPTH.

INT. - AUDITORIUM - House stands in the front of the
auditorium, hands folded over his cane, twitching his
fingers nervously.

HOUSE: Mini-stud. Stand up.
[All eyes lock on Taub. Taub stands.]
HOUSE: I spoke to your other partner.
TAUB: After Cuddy told you...

HOUSE: No, I stayed away. Did it all over the phone. I asked
for a reference, said you were applying for a plastic surgery
job.

TAUB: Oh, God.

HOUSE: Yeah. (beat) He went nuts. Apparently you signed a
non-compete. Now why would you agree to that?

TAUB: I don't want to practice plastic surgery.

HOUSE: You sign a contract because someone's making you,
someone's getting something from you. (coldly) What did
they give you in return?

TAUB: They agreed to keep their mouths shut.
HOUSE: So, you gave up your chosen career, just so they'd
be quiet.
TAUB: I love my wife.

[Taub looks down at House, quietly challenging. And
everyone looks away. Even House's eyes flick away before
they come back to Taub, his expression softening slightly
back to curiosity.]

HOUSE: You risked this job. With nothing to fall back on.
TAUB: I thought you were wrong.
[House considers.]
HOUSE: Sit back down.

KUTNER: You're keeping him because he's a philanderer?
Where do I sign up?

[Taub glances sharply at Kutner.]

HOUSE: (reprovingly) Ask the Mormon. (explaining) I'm
keeping him because he's interesting. (briskly) Dr. Terzi,
would you please stand up?

[Dr. Terzi is confused, a touch arrogant, but shrugs, stands.
Volakis stares daggers at her.]

HOUSE: Nice. [House frankly admires her.]I have treated
you unfairly. [House walks over to her.] Prejudged you. And
for me to be a better person, I have to rectify that situation.
(bluntly) You're fired.

[Terzi's smug smile fades into a glare as the reality hits.
Volakis stares, confused.]

HOUSE: You... wanna grab some dinner?
[Terzi stares at him, uncomprehending. Foreman shakes his
head, unbelieving.]
HOUSE: Maybe a movie? Seriously.

[Terzi glares at him, grabs her portfolio, stalks out. Volakis
struggles not to smile. House follows Terzi with his eyes as
she leaves.]

INT. - CUDDYS OFFICE - A wide-screen monitor is in Cuddy's
office. The rough-cut is being played.

[Onscreen, Darnell is walking down a hallway towards the
camera.]

DARNELL: (ONSCREEN) Just days ago, with Kenny's
condition worsening, it was Dr. Gregory House, reassuring
Kenny and his father.

HOUSE: (ONSCREEN) I care about your son.

[Cuddy sits, sipping from a mug of coffee, enthralled. House
sits with his hands over his mouth, appalled.]

DARNELL: (ONSCREEN) The charming House, who happens
to be a film buff with a soft spot in his heart for children,
tells us how he got his start.

HOUSE: (ONSCREEN) See, I became a doctor because of the
movie 'Patch Adams'.

[House winces, the hands go higher. Cuddy smirks, turns to
him. Her attention returns to the screen as Darnell
continues.]

DARNELL: (ONSCREEN) Determined to save the boy's life, as
well as keeping...

HOUSE: The horror.
CUDDY: Well, it's nice of them to send us an early copy.
HOUSE: Not so much sent... as stolen.

DARNELL: (ONSCREEN) In the end, it was Dr. Gregory House
who served as not only a doctor, but a rock for Kenny and
his father.

HOUSE: (ONSCREEN) ...You're putting your trust in
somebody who DOES think the surgery's important.

DARNELL: (ONSCREEN) House, one of those rare doctors
who wears his heart on his sleeve...

[At Cuddy's laugh, House can't take it any more, jumps up
out of his chair.]
HOUSE: God!

[He pounces swiftly, shuts off the monitor, turns back to
Cuddy in protest.]

HOUSE: I was saying that was a STUPID thing to do.
[Cuddy sits, smirking, wiping away faux tears.]
CUDDY: It's difficult not to be moved.

HOUSE: Oh, stop it! Suddenly, I don't feel I can trust
Michael Moore movies.
[He considers his options a moment, then makes a break
for the door.]
CUDDY: Where you going? Kittens to get out of trees? Deaf
kids to read to?
[House glares at her - 'yeah, right'.]

HOUSE: I owe it to the world to make sure this EVIL never
sees the light of day.

[He holds the door open another moment, then stalks out.
After the door closes behind him, Cuddy picks up the
remote, turns the monitor back on.]

DARNELL: (ONSCREEN) Is there anything else?

[Kenny looks at the camera, head wrapped in bandages.
The deformity is gone. He nods.]

KENNY: (ONSCREEN) Thank you, Dr. House.
[Cuddy gives a real smile, as Kenny does the same on-
screen.]
KENNY:(ONSCREEN) Thank you.
FADE OUT


408 - You Don't Want to Know
[Magic show, Kutner and Cole are in the audience.]

FINN: Chinese water torture cell was invented in 1911 by
Harry Houdini. [Pulls down a black cloth revealing a glass
tank full of water, just big enough for one person.] Nothing
like new material. He was lowered head first into the water.
His ankles were locked and bolted to the top of the tank.
I'm going to need a volunteer.

KUTNER: [Immediately puts his hand in the air, as high as he
can possibly get it.] Ooh, ooh, ooh!

[The spotlight makes its way over to Kutner.]

FINN: [Points to Kutner.] The guy dislocating his shoulder,
right there. [Kutner stands up looking very happy.] Yeah.
Could you tell the guy next to you to come up? [Kutner
hangs his head and smiles.]

KUTNER: [Slaps Cole on the arm.] Come on, get up there,
man. Get up there, get up there! Come on! [Starts clapping,
everyone joins in.] Come on! [Cole reluctantly gets up and
makes his way to the stage, Kutner gives him a slap on the
backside as he's leaving.]

FINN: [Shakes Cole's hand as he gets up on stage.] Hi, have
we met before?

COLE: No.

FINN: See, if you'd said yes, you could have gone back to
your seat. Now, can you vouch for this audience that this is
a glass tank full of water?

COLE: [Looks at the tank.] Yeah.

FINN: No, you can't. You haven't done anything yet, come
on. [Drags Cole over to the tank by his hand.] Knock on the
glass. Solid glass. Knock on it. [Coles knocks on the glass.]
It's real water too. Ilana, splash the guy. [Ilana his assistant,
who is up on the ladder next to the tank, splashes a little bit
of water from the tank at Cole.] Does that feel wet to you?

COLE: Yeah.

FINN: And you think that proves it's water? I think we have
met. Do you know the public washroom behind the truck
stop east of Omaha?

COLE: No.

FINN: See, if you'd said yes, that would have been so funny.
Hold out your arms for me. [Cole does. Finn uses Cole's
wrist to lock one end of the handcuffs.] You've done this
before, right?

COLE: No.

FINN: Again, two choices and you went for the unfunny
one. [Takes the handcuffs off Cole and puts them on
himself. He gets Ilana to lock the other side. The lights are
turned off, Finn then gets his legs locked to the lid of the
tank.] Now remember, there's only one thing you've got to
be able to do. Drag a screaming, crying, shackled man out
of a tank of water. Up! [The lid of the tank starts to be lifted
up, Finn hangs upside down.] Hey, you can swim, right?
[Cole doesn't say anything.] Whoa, whoa, whoa tell me you
can swim.

COLE: Yeah.

FINN: [Shakes his head.] Two answers man, two answers!
[Puts plugs in his nose.]

[Finn gets lowered into the tank, Ilana starts the stop
watch, Finn starts to try and get out of his handcuffs as the
tank lid is locked, but then he just stops.]

COLE: Is that part of the act.

ILANA: I'm new, I think so. [Blood starts to come out of
Finn's mouth, he still isn't moving.] Maybe not.

COLE: [Points at Kutner.] Get up here! [Kutner runs up to
the stage, everyone hurries to get the tank open.]

[Cut to the lecture hall. House is riding around on a scooter,
the numbers are in the first couple rows of seats and
Foreman is sitting at the back.]

HOUSE: Aww. [Gets off the scooter.] Five eager doctors and
no sick people. Let us try and fill our spare time with a new
challenge. The winner gets immunity...

KUTNER: I have a sick guy. I saw this magician last night...

HOUSE: The girl's fine. He didn't really cut her in half.

KUTNER: His heart stopped while he was hanging upside
down in the water tank.

HOUSE: A drowning man's heart stopped, that is a mystery.
Along with immunity, the winner gets to nominate two...

COLE: He lost consciousness almost as soon as he hit the
water.

HOUSE: You have to leave work at 6:00 pm, but you make
time for man dates?

AMBER: What's the challenge?

COLE: Are we not allowed to be friends?

HOUSE: No, I'm just hurt. When I asked you to come see
Mama Mia...

KUTNER: No history of heart disease. No angina. No...

HOUSE: He's lying.

KUTNER: About his history? ER confirmed...

HOUSE: About everything. He's a magician that's what they
do. He screwed up the trick, he started drowning and he
got a cardiac arrest.

AMBER: You were talking about a challenge?

HOUSE: The winner nominates two of your competitors. I
will fire one of them.

KUTNER: Even if he was drowning, it would have taken
longer to set off a cardiac incident without some underlying
problem...

HOUSE: Fine. Go run your tests. If you're wrong, you're
fired.

KUTNER: If I'm right, do I stay?

HOUSE: If I say no, are you going to let your patient die?

[Kutner leaves.]

AMBER: What's the challenge?

HOUSE: We can all applaud the doctor who's willing to
break all the rules. But the real hero is the unsung doctor,
toiling in anonymity, because he broke the rules without
getting caught. I need to know you have these skills. I need
you... To bring me the thong of Lisa Cuddy. [Foreman looks
up from his paper, the numbers all give House a weird
look.] Not kidding. [They still all just sit there.] Thong.
Cuddy. Go. [They get up and slowly start to leave, stopping
before they pass Foreman.]

FOREMAN: It's how I got hired. [They leave. House rides out
the other exit on his scooter.]

[Cut to the numbers walking past the nurses station
towards the elevators.]

13: You're actually considering this?

AMBER: If you want to stand on principle, I really respect
you for that.

COLE: It's childish, unprofessional, and inappropriate. The
job is not worth it.

TAUB: We should all beg off. Tell him we failed. No winners,
no losers.

AMBER: Fine.

COLE: You're going to do it, aren't you?

AMBER: Of course I'm going to do it. [Leaves.]

[Cut to Kutner examining Finn.]

KUTNER: No valvular regurgitation, no wall motion
abnormalities, no structural defects.

FINN: If you didn't sound so despondent, I'd say that was
good news.

[13 walks in.]

13: It is for you, not for him. Notice any heaviness in your
legs the last couple days?

FINN: [To Kutner.] Why isn't it good news for you?

13: Because, if there's nothing wrong with you, he gets
fired.

FINN: [Laughs.] Seriously?

KUTNER: Somewhat seriously. Your legs?

FINN: Haven't noticed anything out of the ordinary.

KUTNER: Shortness of breath?

FINN: Would it help if I puked? [Shoves a deck of cards in
his mouth and starts pulling them out like he's puking them.
Then he picks them up and holds them in front of 13.] Pick a
card.

13: Any tightness in your chest or arms?

FINN: Pick a card.

13: You don't seem too worried.

FINN: Would you please pick a card?

13: [Takes a card.] Our boss thinks your cardiac arrest was
just a result of you accidentally drowning.

FINN: Your boss is an idiot. Put it back. [13 puts the card
back in the pile. Finn hands the deck to her.] Shuffle 'em up.

13: [Starts shuffling.] So then why aren't you worried?

FINN: Either I'm dying or I'm not. I mean, I don't want the
ride to be over. [Takes the cards back.] But unless worrying
is some new form of treatment... [Pulls a card from the
deck and shows it to 13.] Your card.

13: Nope.

KUTNER: I'm going to prep you for a transesophageal echo.

FINN: [Looking through the cards.] You sure you shuffled
these?

KUTNER: And I'm going to need to sedate you.

FINN: Might want to check your wallet first. [Kutner ignores
him.] Would you check your wallet? It's part of the trick.
[Kutner sighs, takes out his wallet from his back pocket and
hands it to Finn. Finn opens it and it bursts into flames.]
Whoa. [Closes it, the flames go out, Finn blows the top of it.
Opens it again and shows 13 the ace of spades sitting in the
wallet.]

13: [Shocked.] That's my card. How did you do that?

KUTNER: Do it again. [Finn just hands Kutner's wallet back
and lies back down.]

[Cut to Cuddy in the clinic reading through a file. Taub is
watching from behind the glass door. Amber walks up to
him.]

AMBER: Thought you weren't playing?

TAUB: I'm not.

AMBER: She'll fire you if she catches you.

TAUB: I don't think she can fire me for not trying to steal
her panties.

AMBER: You trying to will them off?

TAUB: If I had a plan, the first part would be not telling YOU
what the plan was.

AMBER: [Looks at the coffee in Taub's hand.] You haven't
touched that coffee.

TAUB: Yes I have.

AMBER: She can't keep her panties on if they're wet. [Taub
looks at Amber.] We work together. One wins, protects the
other.

TAUB: Or I win by myself, and then you try desperately to
convince me to spare you.

[Taub walks into the clinic followed closely by Amber.]

AMBER: Dr Cuddy. [Taub trips over and the coffee goes all
over the floor as well as on himself.]

CUDDY: Dr Taub are you ok?

TAUB: I, I just tripped, I'm so sorry.

AMBER: I have some extra time, do you need any help in
the clinic?

CUDDY: Uh, ok. [Hands the file to Amber, and grabs another
one off the pile. They both leave Taub to clean himself up]

[Cut to Kutner walking up to Foreman.]

KUTNER: We found no apparent cause for the arrest. T.T.E.
And T.E.E. Revealed no...

FOREMAN: Send the patient home, you can give him a lift.

KUTNER: We checked for clots, we checked for...

FOREMAN: You're reporting to me because you're scared to
report to House, because you found nothing, because this
isn't a case. [Laughs.] And you thought I'd save your ass.

KUTNER: Yeah. [Foreman looks at him.] I thought he was
sick, what was I supposed to do?

FOREMAN: What about his lungs? Decreased oxygen
saturation leads to heart failure.

KUTNER: ER didn't find anything.

FOREMAN: ER wasn't looking, too busy trying to keep him
alive. Get an MRI. [Leaves.]

[Cut to Amber dialling a phone in an Exam room in the
clinic. A woman answers.]

WOMAN: Clinic.

AMBER: Yes, can you ask Dr. Cuddy to come to the nurse's
station? Stat.

WOMAN: Right away.

[Amber hangs up the phone. Lights up a cigarette and blows
the smoke at the sprinkler on the ceiling. Nothing happens.
She stands up on the table and uses the lighter. The alarm
goes off, we see everyone in the clinic running around
getting very wet. Amber walks up to a nurse at the
nurses station.]

AMBER: I asked you to get doctor...

NURSE: Dr. Taub said she'd be right out.

[Amber turns around and sees Cuddy and Taub in Cuddy's
office perfectly dry, Taub waves to Amber.]

[Cut to Kutner getting Finn ready for the MRI. 13 is waiting
in the other room.]

FINN: A fungus in my lungs? How would I even get
something like that?

KUTNER: Right now, it's just a theory. We don't even know
if it's...

FINN: I knew I shouldn't have done those mushrooms in
college.

KUTNER: I'm sure there's no connection.

FINN: It was a joke. You really lose your sense of humour
when your job's on the line, huh?

KUTNER: Sorry, most dying people don't really like to... Not
that you're dying. [Pushes the button to move Finn into the
MRI machine.]

FINN: But a little sick would be perfect, right?

KUTNER: Yeah.

[Finn gets about halfway into the machine and starts
screaming.]

FINN: Ah, ow, ah! Ow! My stomach!

[Kutner and 13 run over to help.]

KUTNER: Stabbing or throbbing? [Pulls Finn out of the
machine. Sees a big bruise his side.] Grey turner's sign. He's
got internal bleeding.

13: I'll call surgery. [Runs out of the room.]

[Cut to Kutner, 13, Cole, Foreman and House in the
Diagnostics Office.]

13: Surgeons have transfused three units AB positive, but
they're still looking for the source of the bleed.

KUTNER: [Looking please with himself.] No trauma. Could
be liver disease, Vitamin K deficiency. The only thing we
know for sure it's not... nothing.

13: And we would have noticed something chronic like liver
disease, it's probably an intestinal infarct... [Drops the file.]

KUTNER: Hey. [Starts to bend down to help.]

13: [Quickly picking everything up.] I got it! [House stares at
her.]

[Taub walks in followed by Amber.]

TAUB: Ahem. [Holds up a pair of black panties.] Eau de
Cuddy.

COLE: No way, how did you get them?

TAUB: Only one way. [Throws the panties to Cole, House
catches them with his cane.]

HOUSE: These are not Cuddy's panties.

TAUB: You don't think that I...

HOUSE: No. Also, she's wearing a red bra today. [Everyone
looks at him.] Like I'm the only one who noticed. Means the
downstairs will match.

FOREMAN: Do your research, people. An intestinal infarct
could be linked to the cardiac arrest.

HOUSE: [To Amber.] Hike up your skirt.

AMBER: [Laughs.] Wow that's rude even for you.

HOUSE: Hike it down then. You're wearing a black bra. Let's
see the underwear.

AMBER: No!

HOUSE: You two cut a deal.

[Amber grabs her panties off the table.]

AMBER: If you're not cheating, you're not trying hard
enough.

KUTNER: So you're not wearing any underwear?

FOREMAN: Uh, there's a guy bleeding.

HOUSE: Foreman. She's not wearing any underwear. You
used to be more fun.

FOREMAN: She's not wearing any underwear - Big deal.
When she stops wearing clothes, then we can drop the
medical stuff.

HOUSE: Let me see the MRI film.

KUTNER: We didn't get any images, he started screaming as
soon as I turned it on.

HOUSE: Define soon.

KUTNER: Uh... I didn't even get a chance to sit down.

HOUSE: You guys ever wonder how he was going to get out
of that water tank? You. [Points to Kutner.] Come. [They
leave.]

[Cut to Finn's surgery.]

SURGEON: Lacerations in his digestive tract and his spleen
is shredded.

HOUSE: Ladies and gentlemen, I have nothing in my hands,
nothing up my sleeve. I do have something in my pants, but
it's not going to help with this particular trick. Watch
closely. [Sticks his hands into Finn. Looks at the surgeon.]
How you been?

SURGEON: Fine, until now.

HOUSE: [Nods, and continues feeling around inside Finn.
Pulls out a small key.] Ta-da. [Shows it to Kutner.] Now
you... disappear. [Kutner leaves.]

[House drops the key.]

[Cut to the, now clean, key falling onto the table in Finn's
room.]

HOUSE: Look familiar? The MRI's magnet ripped this
through your intestine into your spleen.

FINN: Forgot about that. On account of almost dying.
Where's Dr. Kutner?

HOUSE: He's no longer on your case, because there's
nothing wrong with you.

FINN: I didn't screw up that trick.

HOUSE: Everything that's happened can be explained by
you being forgetful and incompetent. You screwed up, you
passed out...

FINN: Know my favourite time to lie? When my life hangs in
the balance.

HOUSE: Your life doesn't hang in the balance. You know
your life doesn't hang in the balance. Your reputation might
hang...

FINN: You ever do magic as a kid? You seem like the type.
Lonely, obsessive.

HOUSE: I outgrew it. You?

FINN: [Holds the cards out to House.] Pick a card.

HOUSE: Too much trouble. Can I just pick my nose?

FINN: I am not a hack.

HOUSE: [Takes a card.] If I tell you how it's done, will you go
home? [Looks at his card, 6 of spades. Puts it back in the
deck.] So you going to make it magically appear in my
wallet? [Finn throws the cards at the glass wall. The Jack of
hearts sticks there.] You are a hack. [House pulls the jack off
the window to reveal the 6 of spades on the other side of
the glass. House is surprised, he looks at Finn, then back at
the card and rubs the window just to make sure it is on the
other side.]

FINN: I don't screw up. [Finn starts bleeding heavily from his
nose.]

[Cut to House, Kutner, Amber, 13, Cole and Taub, all sitting
around the table in the diagnostics office. House is playing
with a deck of cards, making the 6 of spades disappear and
reappear in his hand. Kutner is smiling.]

HOUSE: A nosebleed that major means he's actually sick.
Means the cardiac arrest was a symptom. [Looks at Kutner.]
Stop gloating.

KUTNER: I'm not gloating.

HOUSE: Then what's that smirk?

KUTNER: No smirk, this is how I look.

COLE: What about the underwear challenge?

HOUSE: I declare it officially on hold.

COLE: Not really fair, but I get it. [Throws a pair of red
panties on the table, everyone is surprised, House looks at
Amber. Amber stands up and pulls her skirt down a little to
show that she is still wearing hers. House looks over at 13
who looks disgusted by the thought.] It's Cuddy's.

HOUSE: [To Cole.] Pull down your pants.

COLE: You think I'm lying?

HOUSE: No, I want to give you a reward. Yes, I think you're
lying. Cardiac arrest plus nose bleed, Go.

13: Uh... patient has no significant family history, no angina,
no prior attacks.

AMBER: What if it isn't his heart? What if it's the vessels
around his heart? Polyarteritis nodosa causes cardiac
symptoms and hypertension, which makes his nose bleed.

TAUB: You know what else makes your nose bleed and your
heart race? Cocaine. Guy works in a B-List nightclub in
Atlantic City, he's got to be taking regular rolls in the snow.

HOUSE: You, [Taub] take the gloater to the patient's drug
den. Make sure you pat down his pockets before you leave.
You [Amber] and big love, biopsy a blood vessel from
around the heart, test for Polyarteritis nodosa. You... [13] In
my office.

[13 Follows House into his office, House throws the red
panties on his desk.]

13: Those aren't my panties.

HOUSE: I know. Hypothetical. A young woman does
something clumsy in public, and instead of laughing it off,
she gets irrationally upset. Explain.

13: Maybe she's clumsy because she's nervous, because she
forgot to do her spelling homework. Oh in my hypothetical,
she's eight.

HOUSE: But this girl's not insecure. Seems more like she's
afraid.

13: Do you have a point, or did you just get a new book of
riddles?

HOUSE: I think you're hiding a medical condition.

13: I'm not. [Puts her lab coat on.] I'm glad we had this talk.

HOUSE: Doctors often try to ignore their symptoms because
they think they can't get sick. If you've got something going
on, I need you to take care of it.

13: And I take your compassion entirely at face value.

HOUSE: It's not compassion. It's self interest, I want my
team healthy.

13: It's not self interest. It's curiosity. I dropped a file,
House. I start bleeding from the eyes, I'll be sure to make an
appointment.

HOUSE: Ok.

[13 leaves.]

[Cut to Taub and Kutner going through Finn's stuff.]

TAUB: Found some pot.

KUTNER: Bag it.

TAUB: I'm not sure it really fits the symptoms.

KUTNER: Of course not, but it'd be irresponsible to leave it
here. [Sees a fortune telling machine.] You have a quarter?

TAUB: No.

KUTNER: How did Cole get those panties off Cuddy?

TAUB: They were never on her. No way those are hers.
[Finds some rabbits in a cage.] Uh-Huh. Tularaemia.

KUTNER: [Still playing with the machine.] Nah he'd have to
have rabbits.

TAUB: True. Maybe, a tick jumped from a rabbit and landed
on one of these white, fluffy alligators. [Kutner turns
around and sees the rabbits.] Then it jumps onto our
patient, transfers the bacteria, causes Pericarditis. Explains
everything.

[Cut to House entering Finn's room, Finn is playing with four
aces, making one turnaround. House grabs an IV bag from
the draw.]

FINN: What are you giving me?

HOUSE: How'd you do the trick?

FINN: Oh, if I explain it becomes mundane, and you lose the
actual magic.

HOUSE: What do you mean the actual magic? Think you're
actually sawing woman in half?

FINN: You going to tell me what's wrong with me or not?

HOUSE: [Connects the IV up.] Magic is cool. Actual magic is
oxymoronic. Might not even be oxy.

FINN: You're not going to tell me unless I tell you? [Laughs.]

HOUSE: You got a nurse to plant the card.

FINN: I can't get a nurse to help me pee.

HOUSE: You got a buddy to plant the card.

FINN: The fun is in not knowing.

HOUSE: [Grabs some scissors and cuts the IV line, Finn is
shocked.] The fun... [House opens his hand to reveal it was
just a trick.] Is in knowing.

FINN: [Grabs his head.] Oh, my head. Oh! I got a headache.

HOUSE: How bad? Is it new?

FINN: It's not too bad. I'll-I'll just take one of these... [Pours
pills from one hand into the other.] Vicodin. [House grabs
the now empty Vicodin bottle out of his pocket. Sticks his
hand out to get the pills back, Finn holds his hand over
House's and then opens it, but nothing falls out. House rolls
his eyes.]

HOUSE: You eat a lot of beets, you have an electric
toothbrush, and you sleep less than six hours a night.

FINN: That's impressive.

HOUSE: The red betamine from the beets stains the plaque
deposits on your teeth, which are then swirled by your
spinning toothbrush. Your heavy lids and your prematurely
aging skin tell me that you're carrying a major sleep debt.

FINN: That was way cooler before you explained it.

HOUSE: It was meaningless until I explained it.

FINN: People come to my show because they want a sense
of wonder. They WANT to experience something that they
can't explain.

HOUSE: If the wonder's gone when the truth is known,
there never was any wonder. You have tularaemia from
your rabbits. I've put you on antibiotics, you'll be better in a
couple of days. Sorry to spoil the mystery. [Leaves.]

[Cut to House at the pharmacy receiving pills.]

HOUSE: Thank you. [Pops a pill.]

[Cuddy walks near by and is talking to a nurse in hushed
tones.]

CUDDY: Because it's very important to actually do it well.

[House throws the Vicodin just passed where Cuddy is
standing. Cuddy looks at the Vicodin, and then at House,
House plays the bad leg card.]

CUDDY: I'll get it. [Bends down to pick up the Vicodin and
House checks out her ass.]

HOUSE: [Eyes boggle.] Oh. My. God. [Cuddy looks at him.]
You're not wearing underwear.

CUDDY: Of course I'm...

HOUSE: Skirt that tight, you've got no secrets. Skirt that
tight, I can tell if you've got an IUD. You seen Dr. Cole?

CUDDY: No.

HOUSE: You're blushing.

CUDDY: I am not. [Looks down away from House as she
hands House his pills.]

HOUSE: Look at me. [Cuddy looks up at him for a second,
House looks into her eyes as he grabs the pills. His eyes
boggle again.] Oh! [Cuddy leaves.] My! God!

[Cut to House in the elevator with Cole, House is staring at
him.]

HOUSE: How'd you do it?

COLE: So I'm safe?

HOUSE: In this job, yeah. [Cole smiles.] Crotch, on the other
hand... How'd you do it?

COLE: Prayer mostly. [Elevator dings, then opens, Cole
walks out down the corridor and House follows.]

HOUSE: Just tell me, does Cuddy have her groove back?

COLE: It'd be rude of me to discuss.

HOUSE: You handed over her panties. I don't think
gallantry's really an option at this point.

COLE: If I tell you then where's the magic?

[Kutner, 13, Amber and Taub join them in front of House's
office.]

KUTNER: He passed out. Ultrasound revealed bleeding
around his heart, we drained 100 CC's before it stopped.

AMBER: The antibiotics aren't working. It's obviously not
tularaemia or any other infection.

HOUSE: Excuse me, we we're talking.

TAUB: Bleeding around the heart could mean botched
biopsy, when Cole was looking for the...

HOUSE: Why would you accuse the man who decides your
fate of screwing up?

[House enters his office and the rest follow.]

TAUB: Those really were her panties?

HOUSE: Cole has travelled through the forest of crustaceans
and brought us a treasure, and he has earned his reward.

COLE: If I could just get the immunity, I would...

HOUSE: No, Sophie, you can't. Use whatever criteria you
want.

13: Could be a clotting issue.

AMBER: If he developed DIC after the surgery, even a
normal biopsy bleeds out of control.

HOUSE: So cardiac arrest and DIC, what's the common
denominator?

TAUB: Could be cancer.

13: We've been looking in his chest since he got here, it's
clean.

TAUB: So the main mass is somewhere else, throws up a
clot, blocks an artery in his heart, causes the arrest. [House
watches as 13's hand starts shaking as she tries to put the
lid on a pen.]

HOUSE: Good. Go find out where he's hiding his cancer.

[They leave.]

[Cut to Cole preparing Finn for another MRI.]

COLE: If you've swallowed any more metal, now would be a
good time to tell us.

FINN: My hands feel kind of numb.

COLE: Well you lost a lot of blood.

FINN: I'm going to die.

COLE: Everybody gets scared in a hospital. You're sick, you
feel awful...

FINN: No. This time tomorrow. I'll be dead.

[Cole stares at him for a few seconds then starts the MRI,
then walks into the other room to watch the results. Amber
is already in there.]

AMBER: So, who's going on the block?

COLE: He thinks he's dying.

AMBER: He's probably right.

COLE: Tomorrow.

AMBER: You decide to put me up, I totally get it. Nothing
personal.

COLE: I haven't decided anything.

AMBER: But you don't like me.

COLE: I like you. Some fluid in the lungs.

AMBER: No masses. I'm manipulative. I play the game. I can
be a bitch.

COLE: There's a dark spot.

AMBER: Damage from where the key ripped through.
You're probably expecting me to bash the others, give
examples of how they screwed up, you know I can. I'm a
good doctor. As good as anybody around here, probably
better and you know that's the only thing that matters.

[Turns her attention back on the screens. Cole notices
something.]

COLE: What's that?

[Amber has a look.]

AMBER: It's not a tumour, it's another bleed. This one's in
his kidney.

COLE: And his thigh. He's bleeding all over the place.

AMBER: His timetable might be right on.

[Cut to everyone in the lecture hall.]

COLE: It was creepy. The patient predicted his own death.

HOUSE: Would have been more impressive if he'd predicted
that he wasn't going to die. Of course, that takes longer to
prove.

COLE: Could be a symptom, sense of impending doom.

AMBER: Yeah, could be adrenal gland disorders, blood
issues, anaphylaxis.

HOUSE: If you're going to kiss his ass to protect your ass, at
least wait until he's had a good idea. It's a symptom of him
being a charlatan. He's a second-rate magician with a
mysterious illness, why wouldn't he predict his own death?
If he's wrong, we all forget it, if he's right, he goes out a
legend.

KUTNER: He got scared right after a transfusion. Tainted
blood has been known to cause a sense of impending
doom, could also explain the DIC.

HOUSE: I predict all your pagers go off... right now.
[Nothing happens.] Oh! But if it had happened...

FOREMAN: Anyone bother looking at his panel? His
immunoglobulin levels are low.

COLE: That doesn't tell us anything specific about...

HOUSE: Are you acting stupid because you know you're
safe? Clever.

FOREMAN: Low immunoglobulin plus failing heart, plus
fluid in the lungs, plus internal bleeding, equals amyloidosis.

AMBER: He's bleeding way too much for amyloidosis.

HOUSE: He say anything about his hands or feet feeling
weak?

COLE: He said his hands felt numb, but that's explained by
the blood loss.

[All their pagers go off. Everyone stares at House.]

HOUSE: No! Do not give me credit for that. Close doesn't
count! That's how people get sucked into this stupidity.

KUTNER: He's seizing.

HOUSE: Somebody stabilise him. [Kutner runs off, Cole
follows.] The rest of you, pull his medical records, go back
ten years. Look for joint pain, fatigue, anything associated
with amyloidosis. [They leave.]

[Cut to Kutner and Cole in Finn's room.]

KUTNER: Mr Finn nod if you can hear me. [Finn nods.] You
had a grand mal seizure, we're giving you liquids and an
anticonvulsant, just try to rest. [Cole injects something into
him.] Pulse is dropping, he's stabilising. [To Cole.] You're
not going to put me on the block are you?

COLE: I haven't decided who I'm going to pick.

KUTNER: That's cool. [Pulls back Finn's blanket.] His legs
look swollen to you?

COLE: Slight swelling could be renal.

KUTNER: I babysat for you.

COLE: I decided I'm going to make my decision based solely
on who deserves to be here.

KUTNER: That's admirable, though stupid. You shouldn't
save the strongest. You should get rid of the strongest,
eliminate your competition, which is definitely not me. And
I'm your friend, and how are you going to explain to your
kid that I can't take him to the zoo next week because you
got me fired?

[Finn eyes roll back.]

COLE: Kutner. He's going to seize again. [Monitors go off.
Finn starts seizing.]

KUTNER: Flank pain, his kidneys are shutting down. Also...
[Whispers.] Amber's a racist.

[Cut to House and Wilson playing foosball.]

WILSON: You knew they'd get paged?

HOUSE: I noticed a trend... If nobody does anything, sick
people often get sicker. You think it's remotely possible
they had sex?

WILSON: They're both single, it's still legal in the blue
states.

HOUSE: She barely knows him.

WILSON: You know, in some cultures, hiring people to steal
someone's underpants is considered wooing. You should
move there. Because here it's just, you know, creepy.

HOUSE: There was no woo. This was an effective test.
[House scores.]

WILSON: This is beneath my skills.

[Kutner and 13 walk in.]

KUTNER: Kidneys are shutting down. Led to a sodium
deficiency, caused him to seize.

HOUSE: Kidney failure means I was right about amyloidosis.

13: Except that nothing in his medical history remotely
indicates amyloidosis.

KUTNER: So kidney failure proves I'm right about the bad
blood.

HOUSE: Bad blood doesn't explain the heart or the liver.

KUTNER: His major symptoms didn't start until after we
transfused him.

HOUSE: Is cardiac arrest no longer considered a major
symptom?

KUTNER: Not when it's caused by drowning.

HOUSE: So your new theory is that you were an idiot to
take this case.

KUTNER: Yes. Can I go test that theory now?

HOUSE: Waste of time. He needs a bone marrow transplant
for the amyloidosis.

WILSON: You'd have to irradiate him first. If they're right
about the blood, you'd be destroying his immune system
for nothing. [House stares at Wilson.] Which could be a
good thing, does he have a really crappy life?

HOUSE: Go prove I'm right. Do a subcutaneous fat biopsy.

13: At least let us eliminate the bad blood theory, check the
blood banks for mismarks and contamination. [13's hand
starts shaking, she quickly puts it in her pocket but not
before House notices.]

HOUSE: You've got two hours.

KUTNER: That's completely arbitrary.

HOUSE: No, if I'd said that you got three lunar months,
that'd be completely arbitrary. Two hours is how long it's
going to take Big Love to finish a biopsy that you guys can't
do because you're wasting two hours checking blood. [13
and Kutner leave. House turns his attention back to Wilson
and the foosball.] Nine - Three.

WILSON: Five - all. [House throws the ball into the centre
and they start playing again.]

[Cut to Taub walking into the Lab where Cole is doing a
test.]

TAUB: Hey. Brought you something from the cafeteria.
[Cole laughs.] It's not a bribe. This is a bribe. [Hands an
envelope to Cole.]

COLE: [Looks in the envelope.] How much?

TAUB: One million dollars. [Cole just stares at him.] Five
thousand dollars.

COLE: This is so wrong.

TAUB: House specifically said you can use whatever criteria
you want. I've got money, you need money.

COLE: [Hands the envelope back.] Hand me that slide.

TAUB: [Hands over the slide.] Right now, you're earning
what I'm earning, which is miserable. I know what school
your kid's at. I know what it costs. I've seen his picture. He's
going to need braces.

[Cut to Kutner, 13 and Foreman in the blood bank.]

KUTNER: No RBC damage.

13: Nothing wrong with storage. I'm going to double-check
type and start cultures.

[House walks in.]

FOREMAN: We've still got 32 minutes left.

HOUSE: Time flies, what have you found?

FOREMAN: You're checking up on them. That means Cole's
finished with the biopsy, and it was negative.

HOUSE: Inconclusive. Fat doesn't always give you the
answer. Need to biopsy his actual organs, lungs, kidneys,
liver.

KUTNER: We stick another needle in him, he'll
haemorrhage.

HOUSE: Unless we start treatment for amyloidosis.

13: Unless it's not amyloidosis. If he has an infection the
radiation will kill him.

HOUSE: Show me evidence of infection.

13: We need more than two hours, some of these cultures
will take at least a day to grow.

HOUSE: He'll be dead in a day.

KUTNER: Like he predicted.

HOUSE: No! He'll be half a day off. Would it make you guys
feel any better if I let you argue with me for... [Looks at his
watch.] Three minutes before I order you to treat for
amyloidosis? No. Just treat for amyloidosis. [Starts to
leave.]

FOREMAN: No. Don't.

HOUSE: You're playing the Cuddy card?

FOREMAN: That's why I'm here.

HOUSE: Amyloidosis was your idea.

FOREMAN: I was wrong.

HOUSE: Yeah, me too, you were never fun. Give me the
blood. I'm type AB, give me the blood. [Takes off his jacket.]

KUTNER: Whatever's in there could be killing him.

HOUSE: In where? How much tainted blood do you think
they keep in here? How many people would have gotten
sick...

13: It would have to have been the first batch, the
splenectomy, that's when the symptoms started.

HOUSE: [Rolls up his sleeve.] Ok. So transfuse blood from
those donors. I'll be fine, we move on, treat for amyloidosis.
[Holds out his arms.] Fill 'er up.

[Cut to 13 hanging a bag of blood for House, who is eating
cookies.]

HOUSE: I have a new theory. You're not stubborn. You're
not getting it checked 'cause you already know the answer.
I found an old picture in your wallet.

13: Of course you did.

HOUSE: I wasn't snooping, I needed lunch money. Figure it's
your mum, except she looks about 32 years old. The only
reason not to update a photo in 20-odd years is she's not
talking to you, which would be interesting, or she's dead.
Which would also be interesting. [13 gives House a look.]
She's dead.

13: So's Grover Cleveland.

HOUSE: Pretty young to have a dead mum. You were even
younger 20 years ago. I googled her obituary. Said she died
at Newhaven Presbyterian after a long illness. Parkinson's?

13: [Sits down.] Huntington's chorea.

HOUSE: I'm sorry.

13: I'm leaving when this case is over.

HOUSE: No you're not.

13: You don't want a doctor on your team who's slowly
losing control of her body and mind.

HOUSE: Huntington's isn't the only thing that causes
tremors.

13: You think it's just a coincidence?

HOUSE: I think you're the only one on the team who drinks
decaf. I've been switching it out with regular ever since you
dropped that file. You're trembling because you're hopped
up on caffeine. The first file wasn't my fault. Medical
explanation for that is... People drop things.

13: I've been walking around thinking I'm dying.

HOUSE: You are.

13: You don't know that.

HOUSE: With Huntington's, it's inevitable.

13: No, you don't know, because I don't know!

HOUSE: [Surprised.] How could you not get tested? If your
mum had it, it's a 50% chance, you're a bomb waiting to
explode.

13: Not knowing makes me do things I think I'm scared to
do, take flying lessons, climb Kilimanjaro, work for you.

HOUSE: Yeah because if you knew, you couldn't do any of
those things. [13 notices something.] What?

13: You're sweating. [Feels his forehead.] You're burning
up. House... You're sick.

[Cut to everyone in the diagnostics office, House is sitting
down, drinking tea and still sweating.]

KUTNER: Could be pneumococcus. That'd cause chest pain
and the stiff neck.

HOUSE: It's not pneumococcus.

KUTNER: Let me check your lymph nodes. [House slaps his
hand away.]

HOUSE: I'm not the patient. The patient is the one whose
body is shutting down, I'm having a benign transfusion
reaction.

AMBER: Pseudomonas would present as an armpit rash,
take off your shirt.

HOUSE: You first.

COLE: House, you got to let us do this. We can't biopsy him
without bleeding him to death.

HOUSE: You are not biopsying me.

TAUB: How's your stomach? Any diarrhoea?

HOUSE: [Sighs.] The more transfusions you have, the
greater the chance of you reacting, I've had three in a
decade. Fever will be gone in a couple of hours.

13: I heard somewhere that doctors ignore symptoms
because they think they can't get sick.

KUTNER: You told us to give you the blood so that you
wouldn't...

HOUSE: I am not sick.

TAUB: Fever is a symptom.

HOUSE: But not of what the patient has! My kidneys are
working, I'm not bleeding out of every organ.

COLE: Yet.

HOUSE: This is a waste of time. And it's distracting you from
the actual case. [Gets up and starts to walk away but stops
after a couple of steps.]

13: What's wrong?

HOUSE: The room is spinning.

COLE: You ok?

HOUSE: No, I'm dizzy, and my mouth just went dry.

KUTNER: Could be a symptom of any number of...

HOUSE: It's a symptom of narcotics. [Looks at his cup of
tea.] Who spiked my... [Collapses on the floor.]

[Cut to House still unconscious, 13 and Cole are biopsying
him.]

13: What'd you drug him with?

COLE: Amber's nickname is Cut-throat bitch, and you're
pointing at me. Got the kidney sample.

13: You're the only one with nothing to lose.

COLE: Could have been you. You don't seem to care if you
get this job or not.

13: Yeah, I've been here for eight weeks because my
subscription to masochism weekly ran out.

COLE: You're the only one who hasn't asked me not to put
them on the block.

13: You're either going to pick me or you're not. You're fair
enough to try to make the right decision, and arrogant
enough that nothing I can say will change your mind. I don't
want it to be over, but... unless worrying about it is going to
make a difference... [13 starts to ultrasound House. House
groans.]

COLE: I'm going to run some stains. [13 stares at Cole.] He'll
be less of an ass to you.

[Cole gets out of there as quickly as possible. House wakes
up. 13 takes a drink from her bottle of water.]

HOUSE: Patient dead yet?

13: No.

HOUSE: [Look at his hands and sees that he has been tied to
the table.] That's a little much for a first date.

13: Obviously you've never dated me.

HOUSE: Feels like you already got the... Lung and kidney
samples.

13: Now I just need a piece of your liver.

HOUSE: Hey, you might want to use a little bit of lidocaine...

13: Oh yeah, I forgot. [Jabs the biopsy needle into House.
House groans in pain.] Slight pinch.

HOUSE: You drugged me.

13: [Untying House.] You drugged me.

[13 leaves. House sits up, sticks a rubber glove on top of the
bottle of water 13 left behind and hobbles out with it.]

[Cut to House in his office, Wilson walks in.]

WILSON: Stopped by the lab. Your mutinous team is
starting to worry about life on Pit Cairn Island. All your
biopsies are clean.

HOUSE: Because there's nothing wrong with me. Did
Foreman finally ok the amyloidosis treatment?

WILSON: Patient's scheduled for irradiation at nine. [Sits
down.] You risked your life AGAIN. You couldn't be sure he
had amyloidosis.

HOUSE: You can't be sure that I couldn't be sure.

WILSON: You did one test, it was negative.

HOUSE: Inconclusive.

WILSON: Well then, by all means, flood your body with
possibly lethal blood.

HOUSE: I usually like to give the lethal blood to Foreman,
but I'm the only one who's type AB.

WILSON: Of course, you're type AB. Universal recipient, you
take from everybody.

HOUSE: Of course, you're type O. Universal donor. No
wonder you're paying three alimonies.

WILSON: How do you know... What blood type I am?

HOUSE: [Shrugs.] I don't. Just seemed to fit the metaphor.

WILSON: No, no, no, no, no. Did you test my blood for
something? Why would you test my blood for something?

HOUSE: I didn't. You must have told me what you were.

WILSON: Who the hell chats about their blood type? You
had to have tested me.

HOUSE: [Epiphany.] There's no reason to ask anyone their
blood type.

WILSON: You're about to run out of here, aren't you?

[House leaves.]

[Cut to House walking up to Finn who is being wheeled
down the corridor on a bed.]

HOUSE: Nurse, can I have a moment with my patient?

NURSE: He's due in radiation.

HOUSE: It's too late. He's dying.

[They leave him alone with Finn.]

FINN: Told you.

HOUSE: I'm sorry I doubted you. Be a shame if your secrets
died with you. Perhaps you've got that trick written down
somewhere? Or maybe you want to tell me, and I'll write it
down for you. That way... you can live on.

FINN: [Laughs.] I'm taking it with me. See, that way, it stays
magic.

HOUSE: You were wrong about everything. It was never
magic, and you're not dying. [Finn is surprised.] What's your
blood type?

FINN: Type A. [House smiles.] What?

HOUSE: Trust me, it's way cooler to know.

[Cut to House entering the radiation room where Foreman,
13 and Kutner are waiting.]

FOREMAN: Where's Finn?

HOUSE: Up my sleeve. It's not amyloidosis. And his blood's
fine, we just gave him the wrong type. Caused the DIC,
explains the bleeding, multisystem failures.

13: But we tested his blood.

HOUSE: That's because we don't test blood for type. We
test for antibodies.

FOREMAN: Because your body only makes those antibodies
when you actually have that type of blood.

HOUSE: Apparently, he has one more symptom, his body's
making an extra antibody, type B. Combine that with his
natural type A, and presto change-o, he magically pulls
blood type AB out of his hat.

FOREMAN: Would you stop that?

HOUSE: God yes!

13: Autoimmune diseases can make antibodies go haywire,
but still...

HOUSE: It's happened, and apparently, it's happened again.
I finally have a case of lupus. Flush him with saline,
transfuse four units type A, start him on steroids. He'll be
back hoodwinking idiots in no time.

[Cut to Aerial of PPTH, night.]

[Cut to the 5 numbers sitting in the lecture hall waiting.
House walks in carrying a pillow with the red thong laid on
top of it. He walks over to Cole.]

HOUSE: Big Love, rise. [Cole stands up, House gets down on
one knee in front of Cole and lifts the pillow above his
head.] Use their power wisely my lord.

[Cole takes the thong of the pillow. House stands up and
throws the pillow on his desk.]

COLE: I nominate... Amber.

HOUSE: Cut-throat bitch, rise. [Amber stands up and gives a
glare to Cole.] You're surprised? You're everyone's pick. [To
Cole.] Next victim.

COLE: I nominate... Kutner.

[Kutner looks shocked but stands up.]

HOUSE: Now everyone's surprised. [To Cole.] Why?

COLE: You said I don't have to justify my picks.

HOUSE: No... I said you could use whatever criteria you
want, doesn't mean I don't want to know. He was right
about this being a real case, he was right about the botched
transfusion and he's your love nugget. You've got no reason
to pick him. [Cole hangs his head and stares at the ground.]
But somebody else does. Kutner's a liability. He
electrocuted himself, lit a patient on fire, it's only a matter
of time before he burns the hospital down. You made a deal
with Cuddy. That's how you got her underwear. She sold it
to you for the right to put her choices on the block.

COLE: You said get her underwear, I got it.

HOUSE: Your scheme was brilliant... and you're fired.

COLE: You're all about breaking the rules.

HOUSE: Her rules, not mine. The whole point of this was to
subvert Cuddy. You became her partner, gave her power
she didn't already have. Let her greedy fingers into my
cookie jar, which, sadly is, not as dirty as it sounds. Thanks
for playing.

[House leaves. Amber, 13 and Taub go over to Cole to give
their commiserations. Kutner leaves without looking at
Cole.]

[Cut to 13 walking into House's office with an envelope.]

13: What the hell is this? [Puts the envelope on House's
desk.]

HOUSE: [Picks it up and looks at it.] Looks like an envelope
with the results of the genetic test for Huntington's inside.

13: Did you look?

HOUSE: I thought it'd be fun to find out together.

13: I don't want to know.

HOUSE: No, you're afraid to know.

13: I might die. So could you, you could get hit by a bus
tomorrow. The only difference is you don't have to know
about it today, so why should I?

HOUSE: I don't have to know the lottery numbers, but if
someone offered them to me, I'd take them.

13: You spend your whole life looking for answers. Because
you think the next answer will change something, maybe
make you a little less miserable. And you know that when
you run out of questions, you don't just run out of answers,
you run out of hope. You glad you know that?

[13 leaves. House thinks for a few seconds then drops the
envelope in the bin unopened.]




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409 - Games
[Alley behind Nightclub. Night. Three bored-looking punk
rockers hang outside. One of them, Jimmy Quidd (late 30s),
keeps flicking his Zippo lighter on and off absently. He looks
stoned. A cigarette rests in his mouth. The drummer, Ian,
taps his sticks on his chest. The heavy iron door opens and
Rex, the guitarist, joins them outside, carrying a teardrop-
shaped guitar. He seems more upbeat than the rest of
them.]

REX: Roman emperors were the real punks.

IAN: Don't say "punk", it's clich.

REX: [leaning near Ian] Whatever. Lemme tell you about
these dinner parties.

[Quidd coughs. Next to him, Fred sits down, blowing out
smoke.]

REX: Nero loved a good poisoning.

IAN: At a dinner party?

REX: He arranged one right at the table...

JIMMY QUIDD: [drawling] I don't feel like goin' on tonight.

[Rex keeps talking to Ian, while Fred speaks to Quidd.]

FRED: [smiles] Too bad. 'Cause that's what makes the club
feel like paying us.

[Ignoring him, Quidd puts the cigarette to his lips.]

REX: ...This is all in the book. Titus would ply his guests with
wine...

[Quidd notices Rex's guitar and glances over at Fred.]

REX: ... then bind their privates with a cord.

JIMMY QUIDD: [calling] Hey! [to Rex] D'you get a new
guitar?

[Rex, happy that he noticed, stands upright, displaying the
guitar.]

REX: [enthusiastically] '64 teardrop reissue. Not a mark on
it.

JIMMY QUIDD: Alright.

[He stands and ambles over to Rex.]

JIMMY QUIDD: [holding out his hand] Can I see it?

[Rex hands it over. Quidd looks at it, while rock music is
heard in the club.]

JIMMY QUIDD: It's nice.

[Suddenly, he slams it on the ground and drags it along the
ground, scratching it badly. Rex, shocked at the damage,
yells out and chases after Quidd, trying to rescue his guitar.]

REX: Hey! Hey! He-ey!

[Quidd hammers the guitar against the nearby dumpster for
good measure, while Rex struggles to grab it back.]

REX: Hey! Cut it out, man!

[Ian looks mortified while Fred laughs heartily.]

REX: Hey! You stupid sonuva...!

[Stopping, Quidd finally pulls away from Rex.]

JIMMY QUIDD: Hey, it's a hunk of wood, bro.

[He shoves it at Rex, who snatches it away, pissed.]

JIMMY QUIDD: It should look like a hunk of wood. We're
not the Philharmonic.

[Rex angrily inspects the damage on his guitar.]

JIMMY QUIDD: [chuckles] See, look, man. It's better
already.

[Rex decides to make the guitar even better by ramming it
hard into Quidd's jaw. Quidd falls against the dumpster. The
other bandmates come over and pull Rex away. The heavy
iron door opens and the club owner comes outside.]

CLUB OWNER: [brusquely] Hey! It's 10:45. How 'bout takin'
that on stage?

[Quidd stands up straight, smiling.]

JIMMY QUIDD: Now I feel like goin' on.

[Quidd rubs his nose. The club owner grabs Rex and yanks
him inside. Ian and Fred enter the club, while Quidd starts
to follow. He stops at the door, leaning against it, looking
tired. He walks back into the alley, swinging his arms, trying
to loosen them up. He leans against the dumpster and
drops his head. He coughs. Then he vomits out blood. He
coughs some more and groans. Frustrated, he kicks the
dumpster a couple of times. His coughs intensify. He knows
something's wrong and looks back at the club backdoor,
looking for someone. He doubles over, coughing harder
each time. The camera zooms onto his ashen face. His eyes
go blank and he falls to the floor, landing on his back. He
coughs once more, then passes out.]

[Princeton-Plainsboro Teaching Hospital, Doctor's lounge.
Day. Camera holds on the TV, where "General Hospital" (I'm
guessing) is running. The stunning blonde nurse, Luisa
Maria, speaks to a younger guy, Chris, who doesn't seem to
want to listen to her.]

LUISA MARIA: [on TV] You're my child. And so were the
quadruplets. And I'm not gonna give any of you up.

[Dr. Gregory House sits on the couch and watches the soap
opera in rapt attention, eating popcorn. Behind him, the
door opens and Dr. Lisa Cuddy enters. House rolls his eyes
at the interruption and arches his neck backwards to see
her.]

CHRIS: [on TV] Don't you dare talk to me as a mother.

GREG HOUSE: Sign on the door says "Closed for private
event".

LISA CUDDY: You're alone.

GREG HOUSE: How much more private can you get? [eats
some popcorn, then reaches out] Can you pass me a tissue?

LISA CUDDY: Who are you keeping? You owed me a
decision ten days ago.

GREG HOUSE: [ignores the question, points to the TV] Total
amnesia.

[Cuddy looks at the TV.]

LUISA MARIA: [on TV] ... you ever had. You're my whole life.
You.

GREG HOUSE: Luisa Maria can't decide if she's gonna keep
the quadruplets.

[Cuddy has enough. She reaches for the remote control on
the couch and switches off the TV. House doesn't move.]

GREG HOUSE: She keeps them. I read it online. You happy
now? I ruined it for you.

[Cuddy walks in front of him.]

LISA CUDDY: I want two names by Friday.

GREG HOUSE: Fine. I'll arrange for a patient with a
mysterious illness to come in on Thursday. [munches
popcorn]

LISA CUDDY: Yes. You need more tests. 'S only been... two
months. Who knows how they'll react to freak weather
patterns?

GREG HOUSE: They all did fine in the wind tunnel.

LISA CUDDY: Two names by Friday, or the pay overruns
come out of your salary.

[Still holding the remote, she starts to walk towards the
door, near the TV. House, hardly bothered, pulls out
another remote and switches on the TV. Cuddy is stunned
at the insubordination. She stands in front of the TV.]

LUISA MARIA: [on TV] I can hurt too. I know that now.

LISA CUDDY: [meaning business] And I'll move your parking
space to the "E" Lot.

CHRIS: [on TV, crying] Don't ever leave me, mom.

[Cuddy leaves. House turns off the TV reluctantly.]

[PPTH Emergency Room. Day. House limps into the ER and
walks past Dr. Allison Cameron.]

GREG HOUSE: [to Cameron] Hey! Who's the sickest patient
you got?

ALLISON CAMERON: I've got a guy who'll be dead in the
next ten minutes.

[House stops limping and looks at her.]

ALLISON CAMERON: [chuckles] Ohh! You mean someone
who might actually survive a diagnosis.

[House turns and pulls open a curtain with his cane,
exposing an old lady, lying in a bed.]

ALLISON CAMERON: There's nothing here. Just the usual
cracked heads, gunshots, false alarms.

GREG HOUSE: Who'd you pick to fill your narrow little flats?

ALLISON CAMERON: [smiling] So you could fire them off my
recommendation? Nice try.

[A patient calls out.]

JIMMY QUIDD: [vo] Hey! Who do I have to grope to get
some turn-down service in here?

[Cameron goes over to a curtain and pulls it back. Jimmy
Quidd sits inside on a bed, hooked up to a monitor and an
IV drip. He has the same dopey expression on his face.]

ALLISON CAMERON: Jimmy Quidd. He's a punk rock singer.

JIMMY QUIDD: Punk rockstar to you.

GREG HOUSE: [checking Quidd's chart] Repeated trauma,
self-cutting, fever, arthralgia, hyperinflated chest, fatigue,
anaemia, [turns the page] blood in the stool and urine.
[interested] I've died and gone to diagnostic heaven.

ALLISON CAMERON: [taking the chart] His blood results
shows booze, cocaine, amphetamines, opiates. The only
mystery here is how he made it to be thirty-eight.

JIMMY QUIDD: [weakly pulling out a cigarette] I'm twenty-
eight.

ALLISON CAMERON: And he lies. And he's a pain in the ass.

[She pulls the cigarette out of his mouth.]

JIMMY QUIDD: [tries to get it back] Hey, c'mon.

ALLISON CAMERON: No, no...

GREG HOUSE: Wrap him up. I'll take him to-go.

[He leaves. Quidd starts to rip off the IV-drip and monitor
leads on him. Cameron struggles with him, while getting
sprayed with the IV liquid.]

[PPTH Lecture Hall. Day. House stands, facing the array of
boards on the wall, while he speaks to the four remaining
Fellows and Dr. Eric Foreman.]

GREG HOUSE: Dizzying array of symptoms. Any of which
could be caused by drugs, trauma, being a loser.

ERIC FOREMAN: [reading Quidd's file] The guy's a walking
pharmacy. Could be anything.

GREG HOUSE: [suddenly] Oh, forgot to mention... Final
case. Get it right, you're hired. Runner-up will be decided
strictly on some definition of merit.

[The Fellows, now facing a "do-or-die" situation, sit
forward. Dr. Lawrence Kutner jerks in his seat as he offers
his suggestion. Dr... "Thirteen" follows immediately.]

LAWRENCE KUTNER: [quickly] Endocarditis.

"THIRTEEN": Hemorrhagic lesions in the lungs and gut.
Bronchiolitis obliterans.

[Foreman, sitting away from them, shakes his head at
House's new game.]

AMBER VOLAKIS: He smoked his airways into oblivion.

[Camera pans from Dr. Amber Volakis to Dr. Chris Taub.]

CHRIS TAUB: Endocarditis.

[Camera quick-pans to Kutner.]

LAWRENCE KUTNER: Ah, I already said that.

[Camera quick-pans to Taub.]

CHRIS TAUB: I'd heard of it before you mentioned it.

GREG HOUSE: [to Taub] Speed counts. Find something else.

"THIRTEEN": Could be bacterial meningitis.

GREG HOUSE: You already picked.

CHRIS TAUB: [raises his hand] I'll take meningitis.

GREG HOUSE: Too late. Go run your tests.

[The Fellows stand up and prepare to leave. Foreman
speaks.]

ERIC FOREMAN: No, he's sick 'cause he's a drug addict.

GREG HOUSE: No, he has every symptom you'd expect of a
drug addict.

ERIC FOREMAN: So you think it's all too perfect? Some
other disease is trying to throw us off its trail?

GREG HOUSE: If he had four out of twenty possible
symptoms, he'd be a garden-variety druggie. Twenty out of
twenty, there's an underlying disease. [to the Fellows] Run
your tests.

ERIC FOREMAN: No!

[He stands, stopping the Fellows in their tracks.]

ERIC FOREMAN: He's weak, in withdrawal, just spewed
blood. They're gonna rip off a piece of his lung, ram
instruments down his throat, and roto-rooter his intestines.
[lower-lip-pouts] Be nice if we didn't kill him trying to figure
out what's killing him.


[The Fellows look at House, waiting for his decision.]

GREG HOUSE: [concedes] One diagnosis, one test at a time.

[Amber steps forward, pleading her case.]

AMBER VOLAKIS: O2 stats are low. Hyper-inflated chest. I
need a bronchoscopy to...

GREG HOUSE: [interrupts] You just lost two points.

AMBER VOLAKIS: What for?

GREG HOUSE: For thinking it makes a difference who goes
first. Only one person can be right.

LAWRENCE KUTNER: What points?

GREG HOUSE: Can't have an objective system of
measurement without numbers. You lose three for not
knowing that.

[He looks on the desk and holds up an anatomical model of
an eyeball on a stand - "The Eyeball".]

GREG HOUSE: From now on, only the person holding this
can treat or run tests.

[He hands it to Amber.]

GREG HOUSE: I wanted to give you the Serpent Staff with
the poison axe head, but I left it in my car.

[Amber slowly takes the Eyeball and quickly walks out the
door at the back, followed by the others. Foreman stands
there, arms folded, giving House an annoyed look. House
limps quickly towards the side door. Foreman moves to
follow.]

[PPTH Hallway. Day. House limps into the hallway, Foreman
hot on his heels.]

GREG HOUSE: [seeing Foreman] Don't need you.

ERIC FOREMAN: It's one thing to hire based on a game.

GREG HOUSE: Do-on't need your lecture.

ERIC FOREMAN: It's insane to treat based on a game.

GREG HOUSE: You're not taking the long view.

ERIC FOREMAN: The one where we stuff another patient in
a body bag?

GREG HOUSE: Nope, if we're wrong, it'll come pretty fast.
The long view is the one where we pick the best team. That
way we can use all the bags we save for grocery shopping.

[At the elevator, Foreman stops and shoots House a "are-
you-kidding-me?" look. House stops and looks at Foreman.]

GREG HOUSE: You're not buying that argument, are you?

ERIC FOREMAN: No.

GREG HOUSE: In which case, I'm back to my original
position - don't need you.

[He retreats into the elevator. Foreman stands there,
defeated yet annoyed.]

[Dr. James Wilson's Office. Day. House enters. Not seeing
Wilson at his desk, he looks around and sees him sitting on
the couch, holding a file. Wilson has a troubled look on his
face. House moves towards Wilson's unoccupied desk.]

GREG HOUSE: What do you think of Amber?

JAMES WILSON: I screwed up a diagnosis.

[House sits at the desk, propping his feet on the table.
Wilson just nods his head.]

GREG HOUSE: You don't seem that upset by it.

JAMES WILSON: [stands] Diagnosed a guy with
adenocarcinoma three months ago. Told him he had six
months.

GREG HOUSE: So now you've got to tell him that he's way
behind on his Christmas shopping.

JAMES WILSON: He didn't get worse. I re-checked
everything. Biopsy was a false positive. Harmless lesions
caused by talc inhalation.

GREG HOUSE: Medical clemency. Interesting.

JAMES WILSON: Why would you use that word?

GREG HOUSE: Because I'm interested. When I'm interested,
I describe the things that make me interested as
interesting.

JAMES WILSON: Most people would say "good", possibly
"great". Why aren't you able to just enjoy...?

GREG HOUSE: [standing] Why aren't other people able to
just be interested?

[He leaves. Wilson looks over the file again.]

[PPTH Hallway/Men's bathroom. Day. Amber stands
outside the men's bathroom. "Thirteen" walks up to her.]

"THIRTEEN": 'S he in there?

AMBER VOLAKIS: Yeah.

"THIRTEEN": Why'd you go right for the drug theories?

AMBER VOLAKIS: If he had a history of shoving cancer into
his veins, I'd have guessed cancer.

"THIRTEEN": [nods as if understanding] Okay. You're an
idiot. Either that or you've decided you can trust a smoking
addict alone in a bathroom with an oxygen tank.

[As if on cue, an explosion, sounds of shattering glass and a
metal cylinder noisily falling are heard. Amber, scared and
astonished, runs inside. Inside, the bathroom is a mess,
smoke everywhere. Quidd lies prone on the ground, too
stoned to be in pain. A lit cigarette lies an arm's length
away from him. Amber and "Thirteen" run to help him.
Almost figuratively, the Eyeball falls out of Amber's lab
coat.]]

[Wilson's Office. Day. Restraining his joy, Wilson speaks to
his not-dying patient, Mr. McKenna.]

JAMES WILSON: I got your new test results back.

[The door opens and some sour-looking guy, in a lab coat,
enters. Hey, it's House! In a lab coat!]

GREG HOUSE: Sorry I'm late.

[Wilson seems more surprised by the sight of House in a lab
coat, than by his latest intrusion.]

MR. MCKENNA: Who's your colleague?

[House goes behind Wilson and leans on his bookcase.]

JAMES WILSON: Dr. House...

GREG HOUSE: Yes, Dr. Wilson?

JAMES WILSON: I really don't need the consult.

MR. MCKENNA: I know the prognosis.

GREG HOUSE: Apparently not.

[McKenna looks confused.]

JAMES WILSON: [happily] Mr. McKenna, I can't believe I'm
able to say this, but... you're cancer-free. The biopsy looked
like adenocarcinoma, But it wasn't. Harmless lesions on
your lungs. You're fine.

[House watches McKenna intently. McKenna still looks
confused. Wilson chuckles. McKenna doesn't look very
happy though.]

MR. MCKENNA: I don't get it.

[Wilson did not expect an answer like this. House smiles.]

GREG HOUSE: Cool.

JAMES WILSON: [waving his hand at House] No, it's-it's... I
know this must come as a shock, but I've double-checked
the labs.

MR. MCKENNA: [despondent] I just accepted an offer on
my house. I've had three good-bye parties. I-I'm buying
plane tickets to Venice.

GREG HOUSE: You can still use those if you're alive.

MR. MCKENNA: I have to pay a six thousand dollars broker
commission on a house I'm not selling. Money I don't have.
[beat] Thank you... for letting me know.

[He gets up and leaves. Wilson's turn to look confused.]

JAMES WILSON: I, uh, I would have thought the living would
mean more than the expenses.

GREG HOUSE: It's not about the money.

[Diagnostics Office. Day. House writes the Fellows' points
on the whiteboard:
BITCH KUTNER 13 TAUB
-------------------------------------------------
17
The Fellows enter, Amber carrying the eyeball.]

AMBER VOLAKIS: [sitting, happy] I have seventeen points?

GREG HOUSE: I started you all out on a hundred. And you
blew up part of the building.

[Amber looks nonplussed.]

LAWRENCE KUTNER: Where's Foreman?

GREG HOUSE: He got paged.

LAWRENCE KUTNER: By who? Is it about our...?

GREG HOUSE: By me. I needed him right away. Somewhere
else.

[He enters the others' scores as 97, 100, 100 respectively.]

CHRIS TAUB: We're hiding from Foreman?

GREG HOUSE: [mock-hurt] Foreman accused me of playing
games with patient care.

"THIRTEEN": Who gets the eyeball next?

AMBER VOLAKIS: I haven't run my test yet. It still might be a
lung issue.

"THIRTEEN": You can't run your test. The patient had
massive smoke inhalation. Do a bronchoscopy, it'll set off a
laryngospasm.

AMBER VOLAKIS: I'll do an open-lung biopsy instead.

"THIRTEEN": You want an invasive surgery because you
screwed up?

[House slowly moves behind the whiteboard, in anticipation
of a catfight.]

AMBER VOLAKIS: [defensively] The patient snuck a
cigarette.

"THIRTEEN": The patient is an addict. It's not his fault he's
jonesing for whatever he can get his hands on.

AMBER VOLAKIS: Not his fault he's jonesing? In what
universe does that make any sense?

GREG HOUSE: [peeking from behind the whiteboard] Get
him on a nicotine patch. It'll keep up with his joneses. Do
your biopsy.

[With a smug smile to "Thirteen", Amber stands and leaves,
followed by Kutner and Taub. "Thirteen" looks peeved, but
leaves wordlessly. House comes out from behind the
whiteboard.]

[PPTH Waiting Area/Quidd's room. Day. Foreman sits on a
couch, reading a magazine, in the waiting area. Dr. Robert
Chase comes up.]

ROBERT CHASE: How's the new us'es final case going?

[He sits next to Foreman.]

ERIC FOREMAN: It's a moving target. House keeps moving it
so I can't find it.

ROBERT CHASE: [peeking at the magazine] So... you've
decided to focus on solving the problem in Darfur.

ERIC FOREMAN: [jerks his head towards Quidd's room]
Taub is in there prepping the patient for a biopsy. Stay close
to Taub, stay close to House.

ROBERT CHASE: And stay close to the game.

ERIC FOREMAN: I'm trying to stop the game.

ROBERT CHASE: That's your role in the game.

[Foreman's pager beeps. He goes to get it.]

ERIC FOREMAN: You wander over here to annoy me?

[Foreman looks at his pager.]

ROBERT CHASE: You're not wearing a lab coat. House
doesn't wear one, does he?

ERIC FOREMAN: Damn! Now when I walk away, it's gonna
look like I Have a reason other than just annoyance.

[He gets up to leave.]

[In Quidd's room, Amber and Taub are having a hard time
doing a biopsy on Quidd, as he refuses to allow them to
touch his left arm, which he keeps under his sheets.
Foreman enters.]

CHRIS TAUB: [struggling] He won't let us finish prepping him
for the biopsy.

ERIC FOREMAN: You try the other arm?

AMBER VOLAKIS: [irritated] The problem's not the arm, it's
the entire patient.

[Foreman gloves up and goes towards Quidd. Amber gives
him the biopsy needle. Foreman picks up Quidd's right arm
without any protests from Quidd. He pushes in the needle.]

JIMMY QUIDD: Ow.

[Foreman frowns at Quidd.]

JIMMY QUIDD: Hi.

ERIC FOREMAN: [to Taub and Amber] He let you check his
chest. He let you do anything except check that arm.

[He pulls back the sheet to expose Quidd's left arm. He
holds up the arm, which is covered with nicotine patches.]

ERIC FOREMAN: He wallpapered himself with nicotine
patches.

[Dropping the arm, he motions to Amber to continue.
Amber, miffed, steps forward.]

AMBER VOLAKIS: Real rebellion has a point. It's not just
juvenile and purposeless.

JIMMY QUIDD: Maybe purposelessness is my purpose.

AMBER VOLAKIS: [nods] Mission accomplished.

[Taub meanwhile has been checking Quidd's left hand.]

CHRIS TAUB: Amber... it's not the patches. He's got blood
clots moving through his body.

[He shows Amber and Foreman Quidd's left arm index
finger, the tip of which is darkened considerably.]

AMBER VOLAKIS: [somberly] Means... I was wrong.

JIMMY QUIDD: [mock-concerned] Oh-oh.

[Diagnostics Office/House's Office. Day. House paces in
front of the whiteboard, while the Fellows (minus Taub) sit
at the glass table.]

LAWRENCE KUTNER: If a clot reaches his lungs or his heart,
it'll kill him.

[House throws him a look and ominously hangs his cane on
the board and sets Kutner's points to 87. Amber is down to
-6 and Taub is down to 80, by the way,]

LAWRENCE KUTNER: [protesting] It's true.

GREG HOUSE: We all know it's true. You just wasted our
time.

LAWRENCE KUTNER: And what you're doing?

GREG HOUSE: I'm not competing.

"THIRTEEN": Where's Taub?

GREG HOUSE: Foreman was following him.

LAWRENCE KUTNER: So you paged Taub.

GREG HOUSE: Didn't see that I had much choice. [re: Quidd,
not Taub] He has schistocytes in his blood smear. Which
means the DIC's causing clotting. What's causing the DIC?

AMBER VOLAKIS: Drug impurities.

GREG HOUSE: You lost your round.

AMBER VOLAKIS: New symptom, new round. This has to be
drug related.

"THIRTEEN": This is how doctors kill patients. By seeing the
stereotype instead of the truth.

AMBER VOLAKIS: [arguing] Drug addicts use drugs is a
stereotype? Drugs are bad is a stereotype? Losers lose is...

"THIRTEEN": [ignoring the tirade] Malaria.

LAWRENCE KUTNER: He hasn't left the country in years.

"THIRTEEN": Malaria's relapsing-recurring. For all we know,
he could have been sick for years. It explains not just the
DIC and the bleeding, but the tiredness, fever.

[Amber chuckles wryly.]

"THIRTEEN": Everything we attributed to drugs.

AMBER VOLAKIS: Oh, yeah, it's much more likely that this
ass punk rocker was exposed to malaria than drugs?

GREG HOUSE: If you were always right, then you wouldn't
have just been wrong. Or let the patient mainline nicotine.
Or ravaged my anatomical model, which Grandma House
bought me when I aced my MCATs.

LAWRENCE KUTNER: A pharmaceutical rep left that here on
Tuesday.

GREG HOUSE: [picking up the Eyeball] Grandma does some
part-time work.

LAWRENCE KUTNER: The rep was a thirty-something babe.

GREG HOUSE: Thank you. I got her hips. [hands the Eyeball
to "Thirteen"] Carry it with pride.

["Thirteen" stands and leaves, followed by Kutner and
Taub. House addresses Amber. ]

GREG HOUSE: [pointing to his office] Manipulative bitch,
you're wanted in the loser's circle.

[He limps to his office, with Amber following him. He goes
to his desk.]

GREG HOUSE: Why do you hate drug addicts?

AMBER VOLAKIS: [carefully] Your situation is different.
You're taking a necessary prescription.

GREG HOUSE: [sits] I know... I'm fabulous. And I'm not the
patient.

AMBER VOLAKIS: I'm not allowed to have a problem with
junkies?

GREG HOUSE: You're allowed, but there's gotta be a reason.
He's a patient. You don't know him. But you hate him.

AMBER VOLAKIS: He's throwing his life away.

GREG HOUSE: 'Cause he's setting his own terms? Not living
in fear of every pop quiz?

[He swallows some Vicodin.]

AMBER VOLAKIS: I thought we were talking about him.

GREG HOUSE: [exhales] We were never talking about him.
Why are you afraid to lose?

AMBER VOLAKIS: [laughs] Are you gonna fire me because I
like to win?

GREG HOUSE: Just want to know the reason.

AMBER VOLAKIS: [pretends to think] Um, I watched this
football game once. And I noticed something odd.
[sarcastic] The winning team was the happy one. I did the
math.

GREG HOUSE: Our patient's happy.

AMBER VOLAKIS: [softly] He's an idiot.

GREG HOUSE: He's a happy idiot. That screws with your
world view. There's something freeing about being a loser,
isn't there? Why are you afraid to...?

AMBER VOLAKIS: [interrupts, irritated] Mommy didn't love
me enough. Daddy expected too much from me. [beat]
Something!

[She glares at House.]

AMBER VOLAKIS: Let's assume that's true. I get how that
can make me a screwed-up person. [choking] But how is my
willingness to do anything to get the right answer bad for
my patients? [beat] Or put in terms you can understand,
how is it bad for you?

[House doesn't answer. She smiles and leaves.]

[PPTH Hallway. Day. "Thirteen" walks with Taub (who's
carrying two paper bags).]

"THIRTEEN": I didn't ask you to pick up the meds.

CHRIS TAUB: I'm trying to be a good colleague.

"THIRTEEN": You're trying to boost your score by
prescribing drugs for House. Why else would you have a
second bag?

CHRIS TAUB: Didn't say good colleague to you.

"THIRTEEN": You realize we still have a patient.

CHRIS TAUB: Don't care about the patient.

"THIRTEEN": Do you care about this job more than you care
about his life?

CHRIS TAUB: I care about my wallpaper more than I care
about his life.

"THIRTEEN": [chuckles] Okay, you're jerking me around.
There's no reason to be a doctor if you don't care...

[He stops walking, making her stop and turn to him.]

CHRIS TAUB: I care about life. I just don't care about his. He
doesn't care. Why should I? My time is better spent...

"THIRTEEN": Kissing up to your boss.

[Taub gives her a sideways glance. They resume walking.]

CHRIS TAUB: Average doctor cuts off a patient eighteen
seconds into a history because that's all the time he's got.
Meanwhile six of us are administering to a guy with a death
wish.

["Thirteen" stops, prompting Taub to do the same.]

"THIRTEEN": So why do you want the job?

CHRIS TAUB: Not because I'm maximizing my service to
mankind.

"THIRTEEN": [smiles] Good for you.

[He gives her a characteristic tight smile and they resume
walking towards Quidd's room, a few steps away. They stop
in surprise, seeing Ian sitting near the bed, but no Quidd.]

"THIRTEEN": [to Ian] Where is he?

[Ian shrugs in ignorance.]

CHRIS TAUB: [calmly] We're gonna spend the next hour
looking for a guy who doesn't want to be found.

[They go off in search of Quidd.]

[Wilson's Office. Day. House sits at the desk. A really loud
and incoherent electric guitar riff (accompanied by drums)
blasts from the record player. Sounds a little less annoying
than fingernails running down a chalkboard and more
unsettling than a death rattle. Wilson enters, not surprised
to see House there, but definitely rattled by the loud
"music".]

GREG HOUSE: [loudly over the noise] Jimmy Quidd's
greatest stiff. 1989.

JAMES WILSON: A profit-seeking entity released this?

GREG HOUSE: Put it out himself. He wanted people to
listen, but apparently didn't want people to enjoy listening.
Now, why would someone...?

JAMES WILSON: Truly a mystery. Why would anyone do
something just to aggravate people?

[Wilson does himself (and the viewers) a favor by turning
off the record player.]

GREG HOUSE: Why would _you_ have a blank liability
release form, plus your checkbook, on top of your desk?

[He holds them up.]

JAMES WILSON: [annoyed] Probably because they were in
the second drawer in a manila envelope under a book, and
you put them on top of my desk.

GREG HOUSE: You usually keep your checkbook at home.
It's your go-to excuse for why you can't lend me money.
You're gonna pay the guy
the six grand, aren't you?

JAMES WILSON: [denying] There are other people I write
checks to. I do have cable.

GREG HOUSE: [supportively] There's no negligence without
injury.

JAMES WILSON: I handed the guy a death sentence!

GREG HOUSE: He's not distressed with a death sentence.
He's distressed with a life sentence.

JAMES WILSON: I gave him three months of misery!

GREG HOUSE: You gave him three months of being
someone special. You're paying the guy because he used to
be boring, and without you he's gonna be boring again.

[The door opens. Taub and "Thirteen" enter, sheepish
expressions on their faces.]

"THIRTEEN": Hi.

GREG HOUSE: Results of the malaria test already?

CHRIS TAUB: Well, no. But, uh, we were wondering if you'd
sent the patient for any additional... tests.

[They look at him hopefully. Wilson looks at House.]

GREG HOUSE: You lost the patient.

[Noncommital looks from "Thirteen" and Taub. House
stands.]

GREG HOUSE: Taub, you check Lost-and-Found.
"Thirteen"...

[He puts the record player back on, blasting the unholy
tunes of Jimmy Quidd.]

GREG HOUSE: Come with me.

[Wilson winces at the "music", as House and the two
Fellows leave.]

[House's Office. Day. House and "Thirteen" walk into his
office.]

GREG HOUSE: Why do you love drug addicts?

"THIRTEEN": I won't pigeonhole the patients, so that means
I'm...

GREG HOUSE: I'm perfectly capable of drawing my own
conclusions. Are you capable of answering a question?

[The third degree begins... yet again.]

"THIRTEEN": I think there's more to him than the drugs.

GREG HOUSE: Admirable. Why?

"THIRTEEN": I need a reason for doing something
admirable?

GREG HOUSE: There's always a reason. He's a patient, you
don't know him. Why do you like him? The alcoholic parent,
druggie youth. There's no such thing as a saint without a
past.

"THIRTEEN": Or a sinner without a future.

GREG HOUSE: What makes you so sure that drugs are a
mask for something else?

"THIRTEEN": Drugs are always a mask for something else.

[A beat.]

GREG HOUSE: That's the dumbest thing I've heard in my
life.

[She smiles and leaves. House goes to the Diagnostics Office
and changes her points to 102, a small smile on his face.]

[PPTH Hallway. Day. "Thirteen" rejoins Taub in their search
for Quidd. They walk.]

CHRIS TAUB: You really want this job?

"THIRTEEN": You think you can talk me into leaving?

CHRIS TAUB: You're a person who likes her privacy working
for a man who needs to know everything. You're a person
who cares about her patients working for a man that cares
about games.

["Thirteen" stops walking, hearing something. Children's
laughter is heard.]

"THIRTEEN": Shh-Shh. I hear him.

[Pediatrics Ward. Day. "Thirteen" and Taub enter the
Pediatrics Ward and see Quidd entertaining the sick kids
there. He's dressed like a superhero (in a hospital gown and
a blanket for a cape).]

JIMMY QUIDD: [dramatically] "Neither sleet nor hail nor
dread of night. Ha!"

[Taub goes to grab him, but "Thirteen" stops him.]

"THIRTEEN": W-w-w-wait. Malaria's not contagious.

JIMMY QUIDD: Children, I bid you... good night! And I'm off!
Aah!

[He leaps into the air, like he's flying off, but falls down
comically with a thud. The kids have a hearty laugh. Taub
and "Thirteen" smile at each other. Quidd gets up, acting
angry, hands on his hips.]

JIMMY QUIDD: Hey... which one of you guys sapped my
powers?

[The kids keep laughing.]

JIMMY QUIDD: [to different kids] Was it you? Did you take
my powers? Maybe it was you. Well, no matter. See, I'm
feeling stronger already.

[He arches back, flexing his arms. Suddenly, his eyes roll up
and he collapses to the floor, unconscious. The kids laugh,
blissfully unaware that he's not play-acting this time. Taub
and "Thirteen" run over to attend to him.]

"THIRTEEN": [to the kids] It's okay! It's okay. He's okay.

[The kids understand now.]

"THIRTEEN": Respiration's good, pulse is solid.

CHRIS TAUB: [calling out, waving towards the kids] We need
a lot of nurses in here.

[PPTH Lecture Hall. Day. House sits at the piano (near the
side door) and plays. The door at the back opens and Cuddy
enters. She "ahems", getting his attention. He looks back at
her and stops playing.]

GREG HOUSE: Dr. Cuddy. That face that launched a
thousand long faces.

LISA CUDDY: Get control of your patient. Strap him to the
bed if you have to.

GREG HOUSE: I want to keep all four.

LISA CUDDY: [firm] You can have two.

GREG HOUSE: You don't get negotiation, do you? I say four,
you say three, we finally settle on three and a half. Which
would be good news for Taub.

LISA CUDDY: You don't want four. You don't want three. But
if I say three, you get to keep playing your game.

GREG HOUSE: [softly] Who would you pick?

LISA CUDDY: [genuinely surprised] Are you asking my
opinion?

GREG HOUSE: If you have any absolute truths, that would
be even better.

LISA CUDDY: [uncertainly] You never want my advice. You
spend your life trying to avoid my advice.

GREG HOUSE: [stands and faces her] You're a bureaucratic
nightmare. You're a chronic pain in the ass. And you're a
second-rate doctor at best.

LISA CUDDY: [smiles] Am I blushing?

GREG HOUSE: But you do... [conceding] know this stuff.

[Cuddy looks at him, appreciatively.]

GREG HOUSE: Can we get this over with?

LISA CUDDY: Taub and Kutner. Taub will stand up to you.
You won't like him, but you'll respect him. Kutner shares
your philosophy of medicine. God knows I don't need two
of you, but he will actually help you.

[The side door opens and Kutner and "Thirteen" enter.]

LAWRENCE KUTNER: It's not malaria. Bloodwork's negative.

"THIRTEEN": But we did find the reason for the DIC. Bad
blood fragments. If we can figure out how they got there...

[The door at the back closes. House looks and sees Cuddy's
gone. House wordlessly starts to walk towards the side
door.]

[PPTH Hallway/Quidd's Room. Day. House, followed by
Kutner and "Thirteen", walk past a nurse's station towards
Quidd's room.]

LAWRENCE KUTNER: Blood exposure during sex?

"THIRTEEN": Hemolysis from the malaria meds?

GREG HOUSE: Stop guessing. You'll spoil the surprise.

LAWRENCE KUTNER: If you're looking to get information
out of the guy, he's not exactly the "bare-your-soul" type.

[Kutner and "Thirteen" stop at Quidd's room, but House
walks past it and moves to the waiting area near it (the
Lucas Wing). Fred and Rex sit there.]

GREG HOUSE: [to Fred and Rex] Hey, I was wondering if you
guys know "The Girl from Ipanema".

[House grabs Rex's arm and looks at it. Rex pulls it away.]

REX: What are you doing?

GREG HOUSE: Nothing. What are you doing?

[He grabs Fred's arm next. There are multiple track marks
on the arm. House releases the arm and picks up Fred's
coat off the armchair he's sitting on. Fred gets up in
protest.]

FRED: That's mine, man.

GREG HOUSE: Oh, you're gonna be denying that in a
second.

[House shakes the coat vertically. A lot of spare change falls
out, accompanied by a pack of cigarettes, a lighter and a
syringe. He looks at Kutner and "Thirteen".]

GREG HOUSE: Hmm. [to Fred and Rex] Next time make sure
you bring enough for the whole class. [to "Thirteen"] He's
been sharing needles with this guy. As he injected this guy's
blood, his own blood attacked it, chewed it up. Those were
the fragments we found.

"THIRTEEN": So DIC was nothing?

GREG HOUSE: We're back to bloody vomit and his two
dozen other drug or non-drug symptoms. Re-check
everything. Throw these guys out, and strap the patient
down.

[A shuffling sound and a thud are heard. Kutner reacts.]

LAWRENCE KUTNER: House!

[He runs into Quidd's room, where Quidd lies on the
ground, gasping for air. The monitors beep constantly.
"Thirteen" and House follow him.]

LAWRENCE KUTNER: Respiratory failure.

[A nurse and "Thirteen" crouch at Quidd's side, attending to
him.]

GREG HOUSE: Good news for you, "Thirteen". 'Cause that is
definitely not drugs.

["Thirteen" doesn't seem all that relieved though.]

[Quidd's room. Day. Quidd is unconscious, wearing an
oxygen mask.]

GREG HOUSE: [vo] The blood clots were drug-related.

[Hospital Laundry. Day. House confers with the Fellows.]

GREG HOUSE: The coughing up blood and the respiratory
arrests are still on the table.

AMBER VOLAKIS: Inhalants...

GREG HOUSE: If I'd wanted a knee-jerk drug diagnosis, I
would have told Foreman where we are.

AMBER VOLAKIS: He knows where we are.

[Foreman steps into the room, slowly and rather
dramatically, his usual scowl on his face.]

GREG HOUSE: [angry at Amber] Because he followed you!

ERIC FOREMAN: I followed Taub.

CHRIS TAUB: [points to Amber] I followed her.

"THIRTEEN": He had a bleeding problem. That could cause
respiratory arrest.

GREG HOUSE: If I wanted to forgive his Drano-drinking
ways, I wouldn't ignore what you just said.

CHRIS TAUB: Could be an infection.

GREG HOUSE: [reading a test result] Nope, lumbar
puncture's clear.

CHRIS TAUB: Uh, what lumbar puncture?

AMBER VOLAKIS: You didn't authorize that test.

["Thirteen" looks guilty.]

GREG HOUSE: True, and yet, here I am with the results.

LAWRENCE KUTNER: "Thirteen" thought it was bacterial
meningitis.

"THIRTEEN": [defensively] And I had the... Eyeball.

ERIC FOREMAN: It was a harmless test. The patient's
welfare still counts for something, doesn't it?

GREG HOUSE: Yep. Minus fifty.

["Thirteen" looks shocked.]

LAWRENCE KUTNER: Chronic pulmonary embolism would
explain the, uh, breathing problem and the blood coming
from his lungs.

[House ponders it for a second and hands "Thirteen" the
result, taking the Eyeball from her. He hands it to Kutner.]

LAWRENCE KUTNER: I'll run an ultrasou...

AMBER VOLAKIS: [interrupts] You're not running any tests.
[to House, complaining about Kutner] He knows it's not
PE's. The guy's D-dimer's normal.

LAWRENCE KUTNER: That doesn't always rule out...

AMBER VOLAKIS: You go in to run one test, run eight more
like she ["Thirteen"] did, find out which one's right. Then
comes back with a brilliant guess.

GREG HOUSE: [to Kutner] Is this true?

LAWRENCE KUTNER: [denying] No.

GREG HOUSE: 'S too bad, 'cause that would have earned
you forty points for cleverness. The points go to Amber.
Foreman, you run the tests.

ERIC FOREMAN: [deadpan] Sure. Anything I can do to help
your game.

[Foreman leaves.]

GREG HOUSE: [after a few seconds] He's not gonna run the
tests, is he?

"THIRTEEN": I don't think so.

GREG HOUSE: No.

[Quidd's room. Day. House runs the ultrasound test on
Quidd. Quidd removes his oxygen mask to talk to House.]

JIMMY QUIDD: So what's wrong with me?

GREG HOUSE: You mean besides your music?

JIMMY QUIDD: [rolls his eyes] Oh, well, sure, 'cause I don't
play your kind of music, it's not music, right?

GREG HOUSE: Yeah. I resent you because you're not Perry
Como.

JIMMY QUIDD: [chuckles] Look, I don't... I don't play for an
audience, okay?

GREG HOUSE: Well, then, that stage you stand on is an odd
choice.

JIMMY QUIDD: I just... I do it for me, okay? I don't do it for
you.

GREG HOUSE: You have three choices in this life. Be good,
get good or give up. You've gone for column "D". Why?

[Quidd doesn't reply. He smiles wryly and puts the oxygen
mask back on.]

GREG HOUSE: Simple answer is, if you don't try, you can't
fail. [beat] Are you really that simple?

[Quidd removes the mask again.]

JIMMY QUIDD: Look, you know, some people... They like
my music. Most people can't stand it. But they just sort of
just shrug and ignore me. But a few, they feel like they have
to tell me... what I'm screwing up. You know, what I'm
wasting. Why do they care?

[House looks at the monitor.]

GREG HOUSE: You have some peculiar masses near your
heart.

JIMMY QUIDD: Peculiar how?

GREG HOUSE: Well, unlike your music, they elicit some
emotional response.

[Quidd laughs good-naturedly at the joke.]

GREG HOUSE: That's odd.

JIMMY QUIDD: What?

GREG HOUSE: You care if I appreciate your music, but you
don't care if you live or die.

[Again, Quidd doesn't say anything. He just puts the mask
back on.]

GREG HOUSE: Maybe the answer is that simple.

[Wilson's Office. Day. Wilson sits at his desk, speaking to
Mr. McKenna.]

JAMES WILSON: I... can't apologize enough. To you, to your
family. There may not be any technical liability here, but...

[McKenna rips up Wilson's check.]

JAMES WILSON: You're ripping it up because you think it
would be wrong to take money from me?

MR. MCKENNA: I think it would be wrong to take so little
money from you.

JAMES WILSON: [shocked] You're out six thousand...

MR. MCKENNA: You ruined my life.

JAMES WILSON: I ruined... three months.

MR. MCKENNA: For the first time in my life, I was living in
the present. 'Cause that's all there was.

JAMES WILSON: [confused] You're suing me not for the
wrong diagnosis, but for the right one? Have you spoken to
a lawyer?

MR. MCKENNA: You gave me happiness... and then you
took it away.

[He drops a sheet of paper on Wilson's desk and leaves.
Wilson wonders what just happened.]

[Diagnostics Office. Evening. House, Taub and Kutner go
over the ultrasound results. The points tally so far:]
BITCH KUTNER 13 TAUB
-------------------------------------------------
17 97 100 100
-6 87 102 80
34 52
House paces about.]

CHRIS TAUB: Definitely no emboli.

LAWRENCE KUTNER: It's pretty fuzzy.

GREG HOUSE: Hey, for point and shoot, I thought I did okay.

CHRIS TAUB: It's fuzzy because he was still shaking 'cause
he was coming down from the heroin. [looks around]
Where is everybody else?

GREG HOUSE: The clinic's been quarantined. A patient
came in with avian-flu-like symptoms. And fifty extra dollars
in spending money.

LAWRENCE KUTNER: Can you do this echo again?

[House hangs his cane on the board again.]

GREG HOUSE: [angry voice] Okay, minus five for
ingratitude! No "Thank you, Dr. House". No "Here's a bottle
of codeine for your troubles, Dr. House". Oh, no.

[Just like that, Kutner's down to 82.]

LAWRENCE KUTNER: I was asking if you could do it again
after giving him a sedative to keep him still.

GREG HOUSE: I could. We'd definitely get the answer. But
since the opiates would decrease his respiratory drive, and
he already can barely breathe, minus ten for asking me to
kill the patient.

[And now he's 72.]

CHRIS TAUB: What if it's a congenital defect? An anomalous
vessel on his heart?

GREG HOUSE: You know that the heart does the blood
stuff, right? And the lungs do the breathing.

CHRIS TAUB: If the vessel wrapped around his trachea?

[House considers it. He puts the Eyeball in front of Taub.]

GREG HOUSE: What do you want me to do?

CHRIS TAUB: MRA. See if you can get a clear picture of that
vessel.

[House thinks for a second... and decreases his points to
60.]

CHRIS TAUB: [stammering] What-w-wait-what-what-why?

GREG HOUSE: You said the picture sucked because the
patient was shaking. MRA will be worse.

CHRIS TAUB: We have to get a picture.

[House turns to the board and sets his points to 20. Taub
squirms in frustration, racking his brain for an answer.]

GREG HOUSE: You were doing better before you had a good
idea.

CHRIS TAUB: How can we see it if we don't take a picture?

GREG HOUSE: [thinks] You can see me, right?

[He starts for the door.]

[PPTH, Outside Operating Room. Night. House and Taub
speak to Chase, who reads Quidd's file.]

GREG HOUSE: We want to look at his heart. With our eyes.

ROBERT CHASE: So I kill the patient on my operating table.
You get to keep testing your team and I take the heat from
Cuddy.

GREG HOUSE: If it goes that way, yeah, that'll be excellent.

CHRIS TAUB: His respiratory status is through the floor. If
there's a vessel and we don't remove it fast, best case, he's
on a ventilator for life.

GREG HOUSE: Granted, it'll be a short one. Who do you
think I should hire?

[Chase looks at Taub uneasily. Taub looks back, just as
uneasy.]

ROBERT CHASE: You want me to tell you in front of him?

GREG HOUSE: It would be rude to ask him to leave now.

CHRIS TAUB: [to Chase] If you don't do the surgery, patient
will die. You'll have had nothing to do with it. And everyone
will know that you had nothing to do with it. And everyone
will know that it's because you were pissed off at House for
firing you.

ROBERT CHASE: [protesting] You know that's not why I'm
saying "no"...

CHRIS TAUB: [interjects] But that's how it's gonna play out.

[Chase looks incredulously at Taub, who looks at him with
his usual bored look.]

ROBERT CHASE: [to House] Keep him and Amber. You'll get
stuff done. [nods to Taub] Prep him for surgery.

[Taub looks at House.]

[PPTH Operating Room. Night. The surgery is underway.
Quidd is on the table, his chest opened up, his beating
heart exposed. Chase operates while Taub watches.]

ROBERT CHASE: This isn't an anomalous vessel. Look at
these lymph nodes. Way too big.

[Taub leans in for a closed look.]

ROBERT CHASE: There are the masses you saw.

[The monitors suddenly start beeping.]

CHRIS TAUB: 70 over 40. He's crashing.

ROBERT CHASE: Two units of PRBCs.

[The nurses scramble.]

CHRIS TAUB: Starting dopamine. We're losing him!

[In the Observation Deck, House watches. Foreman walks
up to him.]

ERIC FOREMAN: So... how's your game going?

GREG HOUSE: It's not whether you win or lose.

[The monitors continue to beep. Foreman looks at House.]

[Diagnostics Office. Day. House paces about, while the
Fellows sit at the glass table and Foreman leans sulkily
against the glass wall.]

GREG HOUSE: Respiratory failure. Enlarged lymph nodes.
Whatever this is, he's not gonna be breathing much longer.

AMBER VOLAKIS: Does Foreman being here mean the
game's over?

GREG HOUSE: It means the patient's life is almost over. You
can call it what you want.

[Not a peep from the Fellows.]

GREG HOUSE: We're done, people! Come on! I need idea
and I don't care who they come from.

[He goes over to the whiteboard and rubs off the points.]

ERIC FOREMAN: 'Course you do. This is still a game. You're
still gonna reward whoever gets the right idea, punish
whoever's wrong. Hire who you want, get this over with.

[House thinks it over, then...]

GREG HOUSE: "Thirteen", Kutner.

[They look up, apprehensively.]

GREG HOUSE: I'm sorry. Go home.

"THIRTEEN": [stands shell-shocked] Why?

GREG HOUSE: Doesn't matter. He just told me that I've
gotta...

LAWRENCE KUTNER: Lungs are stiff, could be ARDS.

GREG HOUSE: You fluid-overloaded him. Anyone's lungs
would leak after that surgery. Good-bye.

"THIRTEEN": Anaphylactic shock.

GREG HOUSE: No sign of bronchospasm.

LAWRENCE KUTNER: [stands] What if the lymph nodes are
caused by chronic stimulation of his immune system?
Impurities in his drugs could have caused...

"THIRTEEN": [quickly] Street drugs are laced with all kinds
of things. An immune overreaction would explain
everything.

GREG HOUSE: Drug diagnosis. That's what you're going
with?

[Amber looks at "Thirteen", who nods nervously. Foreman
looks at House.]

GREG HOUSE: That firing thing... was all a dream.

[Kutner and "Thirteen" heave a sigh of relief.]

GREG HOUSE: Go find where he gets his drugs and what's in
them. Put him on dimercaprol for heavy metal poisoning.

[The Fellows file out. Foreman continues to scowl at
House.]

GREG HOUSE: [purses his lips] Competition works.

[Unhappy, Foreman leaves.]

[Quidd's room. Day. Amber speaks to Quidd.]

AMBER VOLAKIS: So you're not gonna tell me who sells you
drugs?

JIMMY QUIDD: Why does it matter?

AMBER VOLAKIS: You're dying. Does that matter?

JIMMY QUIDD: [swallows] Not really. [exhales heavily] I'm
not an adult. I never wanted to be. So if the choice... is
running out the clock with a walker... and a bedpan...

[He swallows again. A teardrop slides along his cheek.]

AMBER VOLAKIS: [softly] You don't regret anything?

JIMMY QUIDD: Well, there was a lot of drugs. A lot of
drinking. Lot of fights. [swallows] I regret everything else.

[Amber looks away.]

JIMMY QUIDD: You hate me, don't you?

AMBER VOLAKIS: [closes her eyes] Yeah.

JIMMY QUIDD: I don't care. [swallows]

AMBER VOLAKIS: [whispering] What's it like?

JIMMY QUIDD: Means you have no regrets.

[He gasps for air. She puts the oxygen mask on him. He
breathes in it. His words have had an effect on Amber.]

[House's Office. Day. Jimmy Quidd's ear-splitting music
plays in the background, while House listens at his desk,
fiddling with a stapler, trying to make sense of the noise.
Wilson enters.]

JAMES WILSON: Kinda sticks in your head, doesn't it?

GREG HOUSE: This guy's amazing. There's not one
redeeming note.

JAMES WILSON: What sort of a lawyer tells his client he's
got a case because he's going to live?

GREG HOUSE: I've heard that not all lawyers are as ethical
as the ones we see on TV.

JAMES WILSON: I don't think this guy even has a law
degree.

GREG HOUSE: A lot of the guys on TV don't, either.

JAMES WILSON: [looks accusingly at House] I think he has a
medical degree.

[The music is really irritating at this point. House mercifully
turns it off.]

GREG HOUSE: It directly affects my bottom line. You have
less money to lend...

JAMES WILSON: [mad] I'm trying to take responsibility!

GREG HOUSE: And I'm trying to teach you that everyone is
out for theirs. You might as well keep yours.

JAMES WILSON: And lend it to you? You have to control
everything. How come you're going around asking everyone
who you should fire?

GREG HOUSE: I'm asking for input! I thought you would
have admired the humility.

JAMES WILSON: You like games because you can control
them.

GREG HOUSE: [pointing at the record player] God, I'm
gonna put the record back on.

JAMES WILSON: You like what's interesting, never mind if
it's real or good...

GREG HOUSE: [stands] Wanna know why you offered that
guy six grand?

JAMES WILSON: Life just happens, and that scares the hell
out of you!

GREG HOUSE: You think you can cure pain!

JAMES WILSON: [even louder] You think you can avoid pain!

GREG HOUSE: You think you're responsible for every failure,
every... patient's boring life, every friend's screwed-up...!

JAMES WILSON: You don't want to face it any more than my
patient does! Dying's easy. Living's hard!

[House smiles at the remark.]

GREG HOUSE: That can't possibly be as poignant as it
sounded.

[Kutner (in the Diagnostics Office) knocks on the glass door.
He opens the door and speaks to them.]

LAWRENCE KUTNER: Uh, still can't find the drug source, but
I don't think that's the problem. The dimercaprol isn't
working. [adding] And Quidd volunteers at a home for
abandoned kids.

GREG HOUSE: Why are you telling me this?

LAWRENCE KUTNER: Because his bass player told me.

GREG HOUSE: Is it medically relevant?

LAWRENCE KUTNER: I dunno.

GREG HOUSE: Well, then why are you...?

JAMES WILSON: [to House] Stop playing games and do your
job.

[House looks at Wilson, then an Kutner. He picks up his coat
and cane, and starts to leave.]

GREG HOUSE: [to Wilson] No.

[He motions for Kutner to follow. Wilson hangs back.]

[PPTH Lecture Hall. Day. House faces the Fellows, who sit at
their seats. Foreman watches in the background.]

GREG HOUSE: This time, I'm firing Taub and Amber.

[Taub and Amber look shocked.]

AMBER VOLAKIS: This is a joke, right?

GREG HOUSE: It's only a joke if you come up with the
answer. It's not really funny if you don't. "Thirteen" and
Kutner, you're fired too. Foreman...

ERIC FOREMAN: He's a druggie. I was never sure there was
a disease in the first place.

GREG HOUSE: So all we know is that he's dying. [to the
Fellows] Who wants to tell the patient?

[Morose looks from the Fellows.]

GREG HOUSE: Fine. We'll get some kid to go talk to him. It's
the only people he gets along with anyway.

[He starts to walk out the side door.]

AMBER VOLAKIS: [apprehensively] Are we still fired?

[House stops and turns to Kutner.]

GREG HOUSE: He works with abandoned kids?

LAWRENCE KUTNER: [pettily] Is it medically relevant?

GREG HOUSE: [epiphany-time] I think so.

[Cuddy's Office. Evening. Cuddy sits at her desk, doing
paperwork. The door opens and House enters, followed by
the Fellows.]

GREG HOUSE: I need a brain biopsy.

[Cuddy gives him a quizzical look.]

GREG HOUSE: [clarifying] For the patient.

[He raises his "bitchin' cane" to stop the Fellows from going
out of line.]

GREG HOUSE: Stop it. [to Taub and "Thirteen"] You two
switch.

[He makes them stand in a line in this order: Amber,
"Thirteen", Taub and Kutner.]

LISA CUDDY: You want to drill into a skull of a patient who
almost died on the operating table yesterday?

[House nods enthusiastically. Cuddy shakes her head just as
enthusiastically.]

LISA CUDDY: [re: the Fellows] Why are they here?

GREG HOUSE: Because I wouldn't have gotten the answer
without each of them.

LISA CUDDY: You could have just told me.

GREG HOUSE: I want you to feel guilty. [points at Amber]
She thinks the patient's a loser. ["Thirteen"] She thinks the
patient's a winner. Just a regular guy with a regular
problem. [Taub] He thinks he's gonna be great once he's all
growed up. [Kutner] And he thinks... what did you think?

LAWRENCE KUTNER: Autoimmune.

GREG HOUSE: Right. Less interesting, but just as important.

AMBER VOLAKIS: We can't all be right.

GREG HOUSE: You're all wrong. My mom always said that
two wrongs don't make a right. She never said anything
about four wrongs. I always found that suspicious. [points
his cane at "Thirteen"] Plain old measles. [points at Taub
and Kutner] Constant exposure from hanging out with
Oliver Twist and his lot.

LISA CUDDY: I assume he's been vaccinated.

GREG HOUSE: [points to Amber] Patient's immune system
was shredded with years of drugs. They're early markers of
rash and fever. Would have been lost in a druggie. His
immune system overreacted. That's why his body went
haywire.

LISA CUDDY: That's clever.

[The Fellows look at her nervously.]

LISA CUDDY: You're not doing a biopsy without neurological
symptoms.

GREG HOUSE: If I'm right, the virus is in his brain. Wrong
course of treatment could be his last course.

LISA CUDDY: [slowly and firmly] I need a neurological...

AMBER VOLAKIS: [cuts in] He kept swallowing. Could be
neurological. Could be a complex partial seizure.

GREG HOUSE: What did it look like?

[She mimics Quidd's swallowing (though she puts her
tongue out).]

GREG HOUSE: [to Cuddy, mock-urgently] Good... god,
woman. How much more proof do you need?

LISA CUDDY: If you can induce a seizure, you can have your
biopsy.

[She sits back in her chair. Disgruntled, House turns.]

GREG HOUSE: Hu-up!

[The Fellows about-face and follow him.]

[Procedure room. Night. Kutner prepares to induce Quidd's
seizure. He brings down a surgical light towards Quidd's
face. Quidd slaps Kutner's hand off his head. Quidd has a
ventilator in his mouth.]

LAWRENCE KUTNER: We're gonna use flashing lights.
Noxious stimulation, it'll irritate your brain. If there's
damage to your neurons, it'll trigger a seizure that we can...

[He trails off, as House enters, dragging a massive speaker.]

GREG HOUSE: I got something much more noxious.

[Quidd looks up, curiously. House sets up the speaker, with
the record player on it.]

GREG HOUSE: It's not as commonly used, but sound can be
just as big an irritant.
[He plugs it in and plays it. Quidd's own wince-inducing
music starts. Quidd listens.]

GREG HOUSE: [loudly over the cacophony] Now remind me
of your influences here. 'Cause I'm gonna say, Thelonious
Monk and the sound a trash compactor makes when you
crawl inside it.

[Quidd, unable to protest to the criticism through the
ventilator, mumbles something.]

GREG HOUSE: I don't do it for you. I do it for me.

[Quidd listens a while. Suddenly, his head jerks back and he
starts seizing. House watches calmly as Quidd convulses.
Kutner covers his ears.]

GREG HOUSE: [to Kutner] What do you think? Is he seizing
or dancing?

LAWRENCE KUTNER: [just as calm] Seizing.

GREG HOUSE: Play him the "B" side. It's even worse.
Schedule an OR for the biopsy. See you in the lecture hall.

[He leaves. The music continues.]

[PPTH Lecture Hall. Night. The Fellows wait anxiously in
their seats. The door opens and House enters, carrying a
record. He opens the lid of the record player. Removing the
record's cover, he blows the dust off it, almost reverently.
Slowly, he puts it on the turntable and places the arm
gently on top of it. A much nicer, less loud, guitar solo
plays.]

GREG HOUSE: A little mood music. Build the suspense.

LAWRENCE KUTNER: Sounds more folky.

GREG HOUSE: You seriously have no idea when to shut up,
do you?

[Kutner shuts up... for now.]

GREG HOUSE: Amber, please stand.

[Amber stands nervously.]

AMBER VOLAKIS: You didn't call me "bitch". Is that bad?

GREG HOUSE: You play the game better than anybody else
here.

[Amber smiles.]

GREG HOUSE: But for the wrong reasons.

AMBER VOLAKIS: Reasons don't matter. Results are the only
thing...

GREG HOUSE: You were wrong. [beat] Twenty years ago,
[points to the record player] this was recorded by Jim
Moskowitz. Who later became known as Jimmy Quidd.
Loves kids, apparently has a heart, perhaps even a soul. If
you're gonna work for me, you have to be willing to be
wrong, willing to lose. 'Cause you just did. [somberly]
You're fired.

[Amber doesn't protest. She nods tearfully. The other look
at her sympathetically. She sits heavily back down.]

GREG HOUSE: "Thirteen", please stand.

["Thirteen" stands, calmly.]

GREG HOUSE: You're fired.

[She seems stunned.]

"THIRTEEN": You just said I was right about...

GREG HOUSE: He was a drug addict. [beat] Four applicants,
two spots. If I had three, I'd keep you.

["Thirteen" doesn't say anything. Kutner and Taub look at
her sadly, while Amber sobs silently.]

GREG HOUSE: Game over!

[He walks out. "Thirteen" sits down, bemused.]

[Aerial view of PPTH. Night.]

[Quidd's Room. Night. Quidd (a bandage wrapped around
his head) stirs awake and exhales. Amber stands there, in
street clothes, looking outside, sadly. She turns to him.]

AMBER VOLAKIS: [sullenly] You're gonna have to grow old
after all. You've got measles. We're blasting you with
corticosteroids.

JIMMY QUIDD: What's wrong with you?

AMBER VOLAKIS: I got fired.

JIMMY QUIDD: W-what are you doing here?

AMBER VOLAKIS: Trying not to care.

[He drops his head on the pillow.]

JIMMY QUIDD: Yeah. Yeah, that's not easy.

[Amber lets out a wry chuckle.]

[PPTH Lecture Hall. Night. House sits alone on the desk.
Cuddy enters from the door at the back.]

LISA CUDDY: What the hell did you do?

GREG HOUSE: [shrugs innocently] You told me to hire
Kutner and Taub.

LISA CUDDY: Because I knew you wouldn't.

GREG HOUSE: Oops.

LISA CUDDY: I can't let you hire two men.

GREG HOUSE: Now that is sexist.

LISA CUDDY: You've already got Foreman.

GREG HOUSE: Is he a dude?

LISA CUDDY: [conceding] Hire a woman too.

GREG HOUSE: Hire two women.

LISA CUDDY: You can have the one that gives a crap about
people.

GREG HOUSE: [seriously] They both do.

LISA CUDDY: Right. Hire "Thirteen".

[House nods obediently. Cuddy starts to walk off. An evil
smile forms on House's face. Cuddy stops midway to the
door, suddenly understanding.]

[CUE MUSIC: "Spirit in the Sky" by Norman Greenbaum.]

LISA CUDDY: This was your plan all along.

[She turns to him. House keeps smiling. Cuddy chuckles at
being had.]

LISA CUDDY: Well, at least the games are over.

GREG HOUSE: [sideways] How long have you known me?

[Cuddy smiles knowingly. She leaves. House gets off the
desk and goes towards the door. He takes a (maybe) last
look at the lecture hall, then turns off the lights and leaves.]


410 - It's A Wonderful Lie
[Pan over the Christmas-theme decorated ceiling of a rock
climbing center. Zoom in on a girl whos climbing, belayed
by her mother on the ground.]

MAGGIE: You ok?

JANE: Im thinking.

MAGGIE: Thinkings not going to get you to the top.

JANE: *out of breath+ Mom, youre supposed to be
encouraging me.

MAGGIE: No, Im supposed to be coaching you. The slower
you go, the more tired youre going to get.

[Jane cringes and then reaches for another rock,
successfully grabbing on and continuing upwards. Maggie
smiles proudly.]

MAGGIE: Theres a hold about a foot above you on the left.

JANE: I know. [pauses and then leaps for it]

MAGGIE: Nice grab! Keep going! Youre almost there, babe.

JANE: *struggling to find a foothold+ I cant. My calfs
cramping.

MAGGIE: You need to get off your toes. Get on the ball of
your foot.

JANE: I cant

MAGGIE: [nods] Yes, you can. You can get all the way to the
top.

[Jane cringes, her leg still obviously cramping. She tries to
reach for another rock and slips altogether, only suspended
by the belay rope now.]

MAGGIE: Its ok, I got you. You alright?

JANE: Looks like you were wrong.

MAGGIE: *laughs lightly+ Yeah, but you did awesome. Thats
the highest youve gotten, Im proud of you.

JANE: I dont feel so good

MAGGIE: Ok, come on down.

[The rope starts sliding and Jane starts coming down. But
we see that Maggie is staring at her hand and the rope,
worried expression on her face.]

JANE: [looks down] Mom, you ok?

*Inside Maggies hand and arm, electrical impulses zap their
way up and down the tendons.]

MAGGIE: Oh god *losing control of her hands+

[The rope is unleashed completely and Jane falls from the
top of the rock, screaming until she hits the padded ground.
Another climbing coach rushes over to see her wincing and
clutching at her arm.]

JANE: My arm I think I broke it.

COACH: Dont move.

MAGGIE: *kneels next to her+ Oh Jane, Im so sorry

JANE: What happened? Did the rope break?

MAGGIE: *almost panicking+ No My hands *stares at her
own hands+ I cant move them

*Diagnostics office. There is a snowglobe and a few candy
canes on the table, sparkly festive streamers are also
hanging on the walls.]

TAUB: *making a cup of tea+ Shes been to an ortho, two
neuros, and an immunologist. None of the treatments have
had any effect.

KUTNER: *licking at a candy cane+ You think its over?

THIRTEEN: *studying the patients chart+ Its getting worse.
Last neurologist found intermit numbness in both arms as
well as the hand paralysis.

KUTNER: I meant the game. You think hes gonna keep all
four of us?

FOREMAN: Said he would. No sign of upper motor neuron
involvement.

[We see House entering quietly behind Kutner.]

KUTNER: He lies.

HOUSE: [slightly amused tone] My ears are burning.

[Kutner freezes, eyes widening over his drink before he
turns around to stare at House.]

FOREMAN: Tell him youre done firing people.

HOUSE: Well if I lie, that would be little reassurance.
[glances up and starts tearing down the streamers with his
cane.] Dr. Kutner, who told you that it would be a good idea
to put up superficial representations of a hypocritical
season celebrating a mythical figure?

KUTNER: *frowning+ Wasnt me.

HOUSE: He lied. [tosses a Santa plushie into the trashcan]
Homie knows better, Hymie doesnt care, and Huntingtons
would have done a better job.

THIRTEEN: *looks up at House+ I dont have Huntingtons.

HOUSE: That you know of.

FOREMAN: Why would you

HOUSE: [cuts Foreman off and trashes more streamers]
Because I got sued when I called you honeybuns.

KUTNER: [frustratedly] Am I fired if I put up-

THIRTEEN: [cuts Kutner off] The point of the game was to
scare us. Telling us its over isnt scary, therefore he has no
reason to say that unless its true. *leveling House with a
challenging gaze, House smiles at her and nods]

KUTNER: [perks up] Good. Then can we do a Secret Santa?
*Foreman looks at him likes hes an idiot+

HOUSE: I liked you fifteen seconds ago when you were
afraid for your job. [more tearing down of streamers by the
coffee bar+ So whos sick?

TAUB: Fourty-five year old single mom. Its an odd
presentation of paralysis. Any history of drug use?

THIRTEEN: No.

HOUSE: She says theres no history.

THIRTEEN: Shes not a liar.
HOUSE: Ok, this is gonna be a tough case. I have almost no
knowledge of alien physiology.

THIRTEEN: Everyone lies but theres an exception to every
rule.

HOUSE: Actually there isnt. Thats kinda what makes it a
rule.

THIRTEEN: The patients mother died of breast cancer when
she was seven and she never even knew her mom was sick.
She promised herself she would never hide anything from
her own daughter.

HOUSE: *patronizingly+ Oh I didnt know shed promised.
*Thirteen isnt amused+

TAUB: And were not her daughter. Patient inherited the
BRCA1 mutation from her mom, she got a prophylactic
double mastectomy ten years ago.

HOUSE: She lied about it.

THIRTEEN: She told her co-worker, she told her kid.

HOUSE: She lied to the world. Reconstructive surgery is
designed to convince people that-

TAUB: She didnt get reconstructive surgery.

[House looks at him, suddenly intrigued.]

KUTNER: Ok, we can rule out breast cancer.

TAUB: Actually, I was going to rule it in. Paralysis could be
paraneoplastic. Even the best surgeon cant remove every
cell of breast tissue.

*Foreman seems convinced and looks to House, whos
drinking from his usual red cup and thinking.]

HOUSE: MRI whats left of her chest. Set the machine to
scan for irony. *sets his cup down, pausing+ Im going to go
redo the patient history.

*Kutner looks confused, Thirteen doesnt act surprised but
shes still annoyed.+

*Maggies room. House and Jane are sitting side by side on
some chairs, both sucking on a lollipop.]

HOUSE: You mom tell you about all the drugs she does?

JANE: [shrugs] She smokes pot once in a while, but not in a
long time.

HOUSE: What about you?

JANE: How would that make her sick?

HOUSE: [sarcastically] Are you a doctor?

JANE: Im eleven

HOUSE: Thats not an answer. Its an evasion. *looks at his
lollipop for a second] Are you drinking? You ever sneak a
drink?

JANE: I dont do any of that stuff. Its bad for you.

HOUSE: I understand why you dont want your mom to
know, but Im her doctor so-

JANE: And I would tell my mom. And I would tell you.

HOUSE: Why?

JANE: Because she would never lie to me.

HOUSE: *wont give up yet+ Whats her favorite way to have
sex?

JANE: *frowns+ I dont get what sex has to do with breast
cancer.

HOUSE: [rolls his eyes] Are you a doctor? Did you go to med
school since the last time I asked?

JANE: You just think we gotta be lying-

HOUSE: [cuts her off] White lies?

JANE: What are those?

HOUSE: Those are lies we tell to make other people feel
better.

JANE: I dont lie.

HOUSE: Rationalizations?

JANE: What are those?

HOUSE: Those are lies we tell to make ourselves feel better.

JANE: No, we dont-

HOUSE: [cuts her off again] Lies of omission? [Jane looks
unsure+ Saddlebronc or doggie? Thats sex talk.

JANE: *a moments contemplation+ She used to like being
on top, but now she likes to be on her stomach. That way
she doesnt have to see them looking at her scars.

[House stares at her for a while, seemingly understanding
and drops the topic.]

[Hospital cafeteria. Wilson is standing next to House as they
wait in line, looking at an MRI scan.]

HOUSE: Its child abuse.

WILSON: Honesty?

HOUSE: Theres a reason that everybody lies. It works. It
what allows society to function, its what separates man
from beast.

WILSON: Oh, I thought that was our thumbs.

HOUSE: You wanna know every place your moms thumb
has been?

WILSON: Im sorry I missed rehearsal. Am I taking the truth
is good side? Dont you usually take that side?

HOUSE: Lies are a tool, they can be used either for good
No wait, I got a better one. Lies are like children. Hard work,
but theyre worth it. Because the future depends on them.

WILSON: You are so full of love or something. *gestures
for House to pay up] When you care about someone-

HOUSE: [interrupts] You lie to them! You pretend that their
constant ponderous musing are interesting. You tell them
theyre not losing their boyish good looks or becoming
worn out.
WILSON: I stand corrected and may I say, its been a real
pleasure chatting with you. *directs Houses attention back
to the scan+ Silas clean, surgical margins looks clear. No
lymphadenopathy, no masses, no nothing. Its not cancer.

[Hospital hallway. Thirteen and Kutner are walking behind
him.]

HOUSE: We need a new theory.

THIRTEEN: Did you catch her lying?

HOUSE: Not yet.

THIRTEEN: Wouldnt know would have been a shorter
answer.

HOUSE: Wouldnt you not talking have made this a shorter
conversation? Kid says moms a slut.

KUTNER: [incredulous] She called her mom a slut?

HOUSE: No, I called her mom a slut. Jumps anything will a
pole and a pulse. Not that Im judging here. Given her
medical history, Im actually impressed.

THIRTEEN: Maggie already admitted to having multiple
sexual partners. Which is why we already tested for, and
ruled out, syphilis and any other STDs that could have
caused her symptoms.

*They arrive just outside the door to Houses office and he
turns around to appraise them.]

HOUSE: STDs arent the only risk in risky sex. Problem in
sleeping with strangers is theyre strange.

KUTNER: Well follow up with any recent partners.

HOUSE: Send Foreman and Taub. Theyre better liars, more
likely to get to the truth.

[House enters his office. Thirteen and Kutner sigh, then exit
to presumably find the others.]

*Foreman and Taub are in an unknown mans flat, sitting on
low linen-covered chairs, shoeless feet resting on wood
floors. Foreman stares at the man, someone Maggie has
slept with, while Taub sips his coffee.]

ROGER: You think I drugged her? [glances at Taub, who is
about to set his coffee onto the arm of his chair] Use a
coaster.

[Taub picks his drink back up, obviously thinking that the
guy has an issue with interior cleanliness that borders on
neuroticism.]

FOREMAN: Were not cops. Legally, we dont care one way
or another.

TAUB: But we need to know the truth so we can help her.

ROGER: Id known her for less than an hour and she offered
to take me home. There was no need to drug her.

[Foreman and Taub look at each other.]

ROGER: [chuckles nervously] Not that I would.

[Foreman and Taub stand up, presumably to leave.]

ROGER: But shes gonna be ok, right?

TAUB: As long as she doesnt have to pick up or hold
anything. [nodding]

ROGER: [sighs then points to their shoeless feet] Uh, sorry. I
just had the floors done. Reclaimed pine.

[They watch as Roger takes a long gulp out of a giant water
bottle. Foreman looks at Taub knowingly.]

TAUB: You always this thirsty?

ROGER: I dont know Waters supposed to be good for
you, right?

TAUB: [looks at Foreman] Dehydration, anxiety,
aggression

ROGER: Im not aggressive.

FOREMAN: Spastic chorea in his right hand.

ROGER: [glances at his hand and shakes it uncertainly]
What about my hand?

FOREMAN: How much do you weight? About 180, 190?

ROGER: [starting to panic now] 180. What is-

FOREMAN: [interrupts] You took what she did, it could take
longer to hit you. Might affect you differently.

TAUB: But you didnt give her anything. Right?

ROGER: [hesitates for a moment, smiling nervously] She
was really drunk I just gave her some E, to help enhance
things.

[Taub and Foreman look at each other, smiling lightly in
victory.]

FOREMAN: Have any of it left?

ROGER: [goes to retrieve the pills from a drawer] Is my
hand gonna be ok?

TAUB: Theres nothing wrong with it. *smug+ We lied.

[Clinc room. House is diagnosing an attractive blonde
woman in a low cut shirt.]

MELANIE: Ive had a sore throat for a few days now. My
stomachs also been bothering me. I think my glands are
swollen.

HOUSE: [feels her glands under her throat but then is
distracted by the necklace shes wearing+ Saint Nicholas?

MELANIE: [smiles] Patron saint of children.

HOUSE: Also seamen, merchants, archers, prostitutes, and
prisoners.

MELANIE: Hmm Must have been pretty hardworking.

HOUSE: [shrugs] Or just a credit hog.

[Melanie laughs lightly]

HOUSE: Open wide. [shines a flashlight into her mouth] Say
aah.

*Melanie says aah and House clicks the flashlight off,
turning to his paperwork.] You have strep.

MELANIE: Is it contagious?

HOUSE: Only for the next 24 hours as long as you take the
antibiotics.

MELANIE: [worriedly] How contagious?

HOUSE: Take a personal day.

MELANIE: I cant!

HOUSE: *looks at her with a mock serious expression+ Ill
write your pimp a note.

MELANIE: My pimp?

HOUSE: Youre tested for AIDS every three months and
your necklace.

MELANIE: [amused] Prostitutes wear religious symbols?

HOUSE: I think they just like kneeling. *smiles+ You dont
have the skin of a seaman, the fingers of an archer, the
clothes of a merchant, or the attitude of an ex-con. So, just
leaves one left.

MELANIE: Mmm Two actually. *gives him a flirtatious
smile+ But Im not a child, am I?

[House gives her a conceding smile and hands her the
prescription, then grabs his cane and exits. Cuddy meets up
with him at the nurses station.]

CUDDY: You owe me 50 bucks.

HOUSE: Then you owe me half a lapdance.

CUDDY: Its for the nurses holiday bonus. I know you got
the memo.

HOUSE: Got the memo last year. I want to hire forty more
fellows.

CUDDY: You already fired the ones you hired?

HOUSE: They work better when theyre scared.

[Cuddy looks half confused until Taub walks in.]

TAUB: You were right. Guy slipped her Ecstasy.

[Cuddy looks up, obviously surprised.]

HOUSE: He have any symptoms?

TAUB: No. Kutners starting the patient on hemodialysis and
Thirteens in the lab trying to figure out what the guy put in
the drugs. [leaves the clinic]

[Cuddy blinks, still confused. House gestures to Taub to
make his point.]

HOUSE: See? Clear, simple statement of facts describing
their cooperation, with absolutely no attitude or fear.
*reaches to grab another patients file+

CUDDY: Somethings gotta be done.

HOUSE: Oh yeah.

*Maggies room. Kutner has just finished setting her up on
hemodialysis and checking her over.]

KUTNER: How are you feeling?

MAGGIE: I still cant move my hands.

KUTNER: It will take a few more hours to cycle all your
blood through the machine.

[Maggie looks up from her hands, blinking and looking
confused.]

MAGGIE: What just happened?

KUTNER: [turns and looks around+ Nothing. Whats wrong?

MAGGIE: What do you mean? The lights just went out.
Didnt they?

[Kutner sets down the file, unsure. Jane moves to her
moms bedside.+

JANE: What did you do?

MAGGIE: Is this from the drugs?

KUTNER: [shines a flashlight over her eyes, no response]
Most of the drugs should be out of your system by now and
our drugs-

MAGGIE: I cant see

JANE: [scared] Do something!

MAGGIE: I cant see! I cant see!

*Diagnostics office. House is writing things down on little
slips of yellow paper when the duckies enter.]

THIRTEEN: Nothing in the Ecstasy except Ecstasy.

HOUSE: Well that never hurt anybody.

FOREMAN: Cant make them blind days later.

HOUSE: [looks at one of the slips of paper in his hands,
frowning+ Do you spell homie with a Y?

[Kutner glances up, intrigued, but House folds the paper up
without letting them see whats written.+

HOUSE: I want to be respectful.

KUTNER: Youre actually going to let us do Secret Santa?

HOUSE: Not just you guys. [turns around to grab a
Christmas socking and puts the slips of paper inside,
shaking it up to mix them] I like presents too. [offers the
stocking up to Taub] Pick a name.

TAUB: [looks suspicious] Why are you doing this?

HOUSE: See, this is why no one likes your people.

[Taub almost looks offended.]

HOUSE: The notion of picking one time of the year to be
decent to other people is obscene, because its actually
validating the notion of being miserable wretches the rest
of the year.

FOREMAN: So you think this is the part of the year they
screwed up?

HOUSE: On the other hand, you are now a team. Gotta
work together and the simple fact is, giving people crap
makes people like people so spend 25 bucks. Learn to love

[Taub seems unimpressed but indulges him anyways and
goes to pick a name out of the stocking.]

THIRTEEN: Blindness could be a complication from the
hemodialysis.

[House offers the stocking to Kutner next.]

KUTNER: No, the dialysate composition was within range.
[looks at the name on his slip of paper, giving a nod and
smiling to himself] Sweet.

HOUSE: Interesting.

THIRTEEN: The dialysate composition just indicates-

HOUSE: [cuts her off] Indicates nothing. I was referring to
his reaction to the name he got.

KUTNER: I was pleased. I thought itd be fun to buy for-

HOUSE: Means theres someone here who wouldnt be
fun to buy for. [purposeful pause as he stares at Kutner] I
wonder who. [offers up the stocking to Thirteen next] Pick a
name, then go check out the patients house.

*Thirteen looks at her name and doesnt seem to pleased
with it. She shoves it into the pocket of her labcoat
instead.]

HOUSE: *smiles slowly+ Interesting

[Thirteen looks at him and they lock eyes for a moment as
House seems to be calculating something in his mind.]

FOREMAN: Were wasting time going to the home. Kearns-
Sayer syndrome fits the symptoms. [takes a name from the
stocking and tucks it into his jackets inner pocket without
even looking.]

HOUSE: No family history of Kearns. Go to their house-

THIRTEEN: [interrupts] They would have told us if there
were any other drugs. You met her, she couldnt have been
more candid.

HOUSE: Youre absolutely right. Go to their house-

TAUB: [cuts him off again] MS or a vascular problem fits
better. They could affect hands and eyes.

HOUSE: Fine. Do an MRI, check for MS. And a fluorescein
angiogram of her eyes to see if we missed a bleed
somewhere.

[The group gets up, ready to leave.]

HOUSE: Oh! And whoever goes to their house get me
their computers.

*The duckies are obviously frustrated that he wont drop
the subject.]

HOUSE: You talk to your kid about sex so shell think youre
being open about everything. Keeps her from asking
questions about the things you dont want to talk about.
[goes to grab the last name from the stocking for himself]

THIRTEEN: Thats right. Her honesty proves just how
dishonest she is.

HOUSE: [looks at the slip of paper] Yes! Exactly who I
wanted. This is going to be fun.

[The duckies leave and House simply smiles, turning to
throw the stocking to the side.]

[Lab room. Taub and Foreman are about to perform the
fluorescein angiogram on Maggie.]

TAUB: The dye may sting when it enters your bloodstream,

JANE: Are you scared, mom?

MAGGIE: [turns in the direction of her daughters voice+
Yeah. Are you?

JANE: [nods] Yeah.

MAGGIE: Are they?

JANE: *looks at Foreman and Taub+ They dont look scared.

MAGGIE: Either theyre confident or they just dont care.
[laughs hesitantly]

FOREMAN: Were confident.

TAUB: Okay if I shift you a bit? Get you into position.

[Taub settles her head on the chinrest of the machine and
then moves to sit on the other side, pressing a few buttons
to get it up and running.]

JANE: Your boss is weird.

TAUB: Yeah, he is. He thought hed get information you
may not have been telling us by

MAGGIE: Being a jerk?

TAUB: Youd be surprised how often it works.

FOREMAN: Choroidal flush looks good.

JANE: Why would people lie to a doctor?

FOREMAN: Dozens of reasons to lie, only one reason to tell
the truth.

TAUB: Youre never even tempted? *glancing to Maggie+ I
mean, lies do sometimes smooth things out, make life
easier.

MAGGIE: Yeah? Your life easy?

FOREMAN: Not even close. Dyes reached the retinal
capillary bed. No leakage.

*Theres a moment of silence as Taub and Foreman glance
at each other, unsure.]

JANE: Thats good, right?

TAUB: Means its not a vascular problem.

MAGGIE: But?

FOREMAN: Vascular problem, we could fix.

[Jane watches as Foreman and Taub look at each other
again, both afraid to say anything else.]

JANE: They look worried now, mom.

*Employees lounge. House is playing foosball by himself
when Wilson enters.]

WILSON: Whats with the Secret Santa? You trying to bring
them together?

HOUSE: I want to drive them apart.

WILSON: With gift giving?

HOUSE: Conflicts built right into the name. Santas about
sharing, secrets about withholding. *scores a goal and
continues on playing by himself]

WILSON: Aside from the Trojan horse, gifts dont usually-

HOUSE: [interrupts] What did you get your wife for your
final anniversary?

WILSON: *thinks about it for a second+ Uh a sweater.

HOUSE: She hated it.

WILSON: She loved it.

HOUSE: Then you didnt buy it. *scores another goal, for the
other team]

WILSON: I gave her some cash and

HOUSE: [stops and turns to look at Wilson, obviously not
impressed] Gifts allow us to demonstrate exactly how little
we know about a person and nothing pisses off a person
more than being shoved in the wrong pigeon hole.

[House scores another goal on himself and Wilson is pretty
much speechless.]

[Hospital main entrance. Kutner and Thirteen are returning
from presumably searching Maggies home, as Thirteen is
holding two laptops under her arm.]

KUTNER: Im thinking of spending a few extra bucks on my
Secret Santa.

THIRTEEN: Bad idea. You mind if I tell House you asked
them for the key instead of breaking in?

[They walk further into the hospital, amusingly carrying two
conversation at the same time.]

KUTNER: Yes, I do. Just another five bucks.

THIRTEEN: Five will be ten. The keys proof she doesnt
have anything to hide.

KUTNER: The key is proof I didnt do exactly what House
told me to do. And what do you care if its another fifteen?

THIRTEEN: Im gonna tell him. And who are you so anxious
to please?

KUTNER: [scoffs and presses the elevator button as they
arrive+ Not you. You really think youre going to prove
people are capable of honesty using a mother and daughter
youve known for one day?

THIRTEEN: Im not the one whos based his entire world
view on the proposition. If Im wrong, so what? If hes
wrong

[Elevator arrives and they step in, Kutner taking the hood of
his hoodie to look at her.]

KUTNER: So you really have Huntingtons?

THIRTEEN: Nope.

KUTNER: But House said that-

THIRTEEN: [cuts him off defensively] If I wanted to talk
about it, why didnt I bring it up?

[Elevator door closes.]

*Houses office. House is trying passwords to hack into
Maggies computer as the duckies look on. Hes slowly
getting more impatient.]

TAUB: Fluorescein angiogram was clear. No leaks, no
lesions, definitely not a vascular problem.

HOUSE: [frowns at the computer, still having no luck]
Someone get their birthdays out of the file.

THIRTEEN: Have you tried leaving it blank?

[She steps up and enters in a blank password for him,
logging them in immediately to show a desktop wallpaper
of Maggie and Jane, lovingly smiling together and posing for
the camera. House looks majorly disappointed.]

THIRTEEN: Tough to get into the head of someone who
actually trusts people, huh? Found both computers in an
office, on a desk they share.

TAUB: No sign of macular degeneration or optic neuritis.
Her eyes are completely normal.

FOREMAN: Except she cant see out of them.

HOUSE: [rifling through files on the computer] So she says.
Find anything on the MRI?

FOREMAN: No sign of plaques. Its not MS.

TAUB: We havent found anything abnormal on any test.

KUTNER: Except she cant see or move her hands.

HOUSE: [with more emphasis this time] So she says.

THIRTEEN: You cant lie about flaccid paralysis.

FOREMAN: Maybe shes not lying.

[House looks up, intrigued.]

FOREMAN: Her brain is. What if its a conversion disorder?

HOUSE: *musingly+ Lacks personal boundaries
Promiscuous Inappropriate obsession with truth-telling
Certainly sounds like a psych case.

KUTNER: Cool. Ill set up a psych consult and start her on
anti-depressants. [starts to leave]

HOUSE: Nope.

[Kutner turns back around, confused.]

HOUSE: Her mind is tricking her body. We need to trick her
mind. Or even better.

[House grabs his cane and exits, Thirteen seems to
understand something, looks slightly worried, and proceeds
to follow him out.]

[Hospital hallway. Thirteen follows House as he heads for
Maggies room.+

THIRTEEN: You dont need her.

HOUSE: I know.

THIRTEEN: Then this serves no medical purpose.

HOUSE: You have a genetic defect, you choose to ignore it.
This woman has a genetic defect, chooses to butcher
herself to be safe. Yet what you claim to be fascinated by, is
her honesty. Interesting.

THIRTEEN: You claim to want the truth, and then you screw
with people who actually live by it. Pathetic.

*They stop outside Maggies room and House turns to face
her.]

HOUSE: Hey, I gave you credit for interesting.

*Thirteen sighs, knowing shes lost the argument.+

HOUSE: Youre protecting her because youre jealous she
did what you couldnt.

*Thirteen decides she cant take this anymore and starts to
walk off. House rolls his eyes.]

HOUSE: I need you.

THIRTEEN: *turns back around and shakes her head+ Im not
lying to her.

HOUSE: Fine, keep your mouth shut. I still need you. If it
doesnt work, you gotta hold the kid down until someone
else finishes lying to mom.

[Thirteen gives him a skeptical look but he merely nods.]

HOUSE: That does actually serve a medical purpose.

[Thirteen seems to consent and House slides the door to
the room open to catch the daughters attention.+

HOUSE: Jane.

*Hospital hallway, couches across from nurses station.
Thirteen is pretending to read a file while House talks to
Jane.]

JANE: I have to lie because she trusts me?

HOUSE: If you show doubt, the placebo treatment wont
work.

JANE: If its just depression, thats good news right?

HOUSE: [nods] A lot of great medications.

JANE: So why cant we just give her those? Why do we have
to lie to her?

HOUSE: Because we might be wrong. And those
medications take a long time to work and since your moms
condition is declining, theres a chance the drugs wont tell
us anything until its too late.

JANE: *still doesnt seem convinced+ My moms not
depressed.

HOUSE: Maybe shes hiding it from you.

JANE: *shakes her head+ No. She wouldnt-

HOUSE: Just doing what every good mom does. Protecting
her child from bad news that she cant do anything about.

JANE: My moms never lied to me.

HOUSE: You dont know how to lie. You dont know how to
tell when youre being lied to.

JANE: [stares at him for a moment and then drops her eyes,
seemingly less unconvinced now+ Maybe youre right

HOUSE: I know

JANE: I was lying. [satisfied with her little show] I know how
to lie. I just wont do it to my mother.

[House licks his lips and glances subtly up at Thirteen. She
shuts the file shes been pretending to read and moves over
to look at Jane.]

THIRTEEN: You like foosball?

*Maggies room. Taub is preparing her for the placebo
treatment.]

TAUB: Until the treatment of your infectious parapheresis
takes effect, Jane cant come back into the room. Ive
already been inoculated.

MAGGIE: Can she have it already?

TAUB: Dont worry. *hangs up the IV bag+ Its a very
effective treatment, you should be feeling better in a
matter of minutes.

[Maggie swallows hard, making a noise of discomfort as he
sticks the IV needle in.]

TAUB: Dont you think Jane deserves a few secrets? Some
personal space? Room to uh make her own mistakes?
[taking her wrist to take her pulse for a moment]

MAGGIE: She makes plenty of mistakes. Only difference is,
Im there to help her through them.

TAUB: [shakes his head and drops her hand+ But shes gotta
know youre looking over her shoulder. Its gotta stifle-

MAGGIE: You think the world would be a better place if
everybody always acted like their mom was looking over
their shoulder?

[Maggie lies back down and closes her eyes, obviously still
in pain. Taub takes a seat nearby, glancing at his watch and
then moving to pick up a magazine to read.]

*Employees lounge. Kutner, Foreman, and Thirteen are
keeping Jane busy by playing foosball with her.]

JANE: I wanna go see my mom.

KUTNER: Shes sleeping. Why dont we just double the
amount we can spend?

FOREMAN: Nope.

KUTNER: Cant afford another twenty-five?

FOREMAN: We allow people fifty, people will spend sixty.

KUTNER: Ah, so you cant afford another thirty-five.

THIRTEEN: You must really like who you got...

JANE: Or really dislike.

[Thirteen and Foreman stop playing and look up at her,
intrigued.]

JANE: My mom always gives the best presents to the
teachers I get along with the worst.

THIRTEEN/FOREMAN: [both look skeptical] No.

[Kutner looks confused too and Jane takes advantage of the
opportunity to score a goal on them.]

KUTNER: [at Foreman and Thirteen] How do you know
no?

THIRTEEN: I know you didnt get House.

FOREMAN: I know he didnt get House.

[They look at each other, unsure for the moment.]

[Hospital hallway. House and Wilson are sitting down and
eating pizza together.]

WILSON: You gave them all your name?

HOUSE: Mm-hmm. Figured I could sow some dissension
and get a few ties and sweaters.

WILSON: What happens when they find out?

HOUSE: Its Secret Santa.

WILSON: [nods] What happens when they find out?

HOUSE: *shrugs+ Theyll argue about with that information.
Ties are less important than the dissension.

*Back in the employees lounge and the duckies are doing
exactly what House predicted.]

KUTNER: Well we still have to buy him something.

FOREMAN: [arms crossed, obviously displeased] Not a
chance!

KUTNER: We werent supposed to discuss this. Were not
supposed to know.

FOREMAN: Hes not supposed to put his name in there five
times!

JANE: He wants presents. Its sad

THIRTEEN: Its pathetic.

[Jane looks lost, but Kutner shrugs.]

KUTNER: *smiling lightly+ Im still buying him a present.

THIRTEEN: *firmly+ No. Youre not.

KUTNER: [glares at her] Fine.

*Maggies room. She seems half conscious but it making
sounds in her throat as if trying to speak. Taub, who has
been napping, glances up.]

TAUB: Whats wrong?

MAGGIE: I think its getting worse. Cant breathe
[struggles to catch her breath just as the monitors start
beeping]

TAUB: [calls outside] I need a nurse in here!

[Taub shines a flashlight into her throat to look and we see
her throat being slowly constricted with inflamed nodes or
something like that.]

TAUB: Her lymph nodes are cutting off her airway. We gotta
intubate!

[The nurses rush in with a cart and Taub proceeds to
intubate Maggie.]

*We see Foreman and Cameron adjusting Maggies
breathing apparatus as Jane looks on worriedly, outside the
room. The scene then jumps over the Houses office where
he is still reading files on the computers as the duckies look
on.]

FOREMAN: Swollen lymph nodes were cutting off Maggies
airway. We shrunk them with alcohol, shes breathing on
her own now.

HOUSE: [head in his hand, looking disappointed] Well, that
sucks.

[Taub raises his eyebrows at that answer.]

HOUSE: 4300 saved emails and not a single mention of
lesbionic, sanchez or man-gina.

[Kutner perks up as he sees a small wrapped gift on House
desk. Foreman isnt amused by Houses answer.+

HOUSE: Swollen lymph nodes means it wasnt
psychological.

KUTNER: Whos that from?

HOUSE: *glances to the present+ Santa, obviously. Cause
you know I worship him. [pauses and frowns] No wait, I
mean Satan. I always get them confused. [continues to read
through emails+ What is an alpine butterfly? And why is
she learning how to do one?


*Taub moves over to peer over Houses shoulder.+

FOREMAN: House, we already have a full history. You dont
need to waste time-

HOUSE: [interrupts+ Its just a climbing knot.

TAUB: But what does she use it for? Try bondage.

*Thirteen glares at Taub indulging Houses antics.+

HOUSE: I did once. [sarcastically] And she just tied me down
and whined about how hard it is to be Dean of Medicine.

[Thirteen is losing patience and Foreman drops his head,
attempting to hide his amusement at that.]

KUTNER: Gyms arent exactly pristine, could be a fungal
infection. Seriously, whos it from? *nodding to the present
again]

FOREMAN: No fever, no elevated white count.

HOUSE: [still staring at the screen, then laughs in a mocking
way+ Thats funny Friend sent her a Garfield cartoon. That
cat sure does love lasagna.

THIRTEEN: House. [finally had enough and slams the laptop
lip on top of his hand] Stop obsessing.

HOUSE: *pausing for a moment+ If it werent for my
obsessions, you wouldnt know that she has sarcoidosis.

[The duckies all stare at him as he turns the laptop around
to show them.]

HOUSE: Eighteen months ago, she sold her Stairmaster. It
was only two months old. Now either she needed the cash
or climbing stairs was getting more difficult. [takes a sip out
of his cup and continues to scroll through the emails to
show them] Twelve months ago, she cancelled a hiking trip.
Now she either just wanted to sit home and watch TV or
walking was getting more difficult. Shes been suffering
joint pain for the last two years.

[House takes the present box and offers it up to Thirteen.
She gives him a cautious look.]

HOUSE: Pull my ribbon. [mockingly seductive] If you know
what I mean.

THIRTEEN: ACE levels are too low for sarcoidosis. [stares at
him for a moment and then pulls the ribbon]

HOUSE: Thats not what I meant. *proceeds to open the
present] Could just be an inactive phase.

KUTNER: Its not Christmas yet.

HOUSE: I remembered. Im not a Satanist, Im a druid.

FOREMAN: No lung involvement.

HOUSE: Yet.

TAUB: Well need a bronchoalveolar lavage to confirm it.

HOUSE: *makes a sad face+ Thats a shame. Im not gonna
surprise her with one for Christmas.

[The duckies get up to leave and House finally unwraps his
present to reveal an iPhone.]

HOUSE: Wow!

[The duckies stop and turn back to look at him.]

HOUSE: [grins] Now either that cost more than 25 bucks or
Im seriously starting to doubt Steve Jobs business
strategies.

[Thirteen rolls her eyes and Kutner looks speechless. They
all leave.]

HOUSE: Thanks!

[Maggie is undergoing the bronchoalveolar lavage in a lab.
Kutner is holding the tube down her throat while Thirteen
assists.]

THIRTEEN: Last round of saline, Maggie. One more big
breath. Weve gotta get the liquid to go all the way into
your lungs, okay? [attaches a syringe to the scope and
pushes the saline solution into the tube] Here we go.

KUTNER: Gift could be from a patient.

TAUB: [skeptical] Who sent it to the wrong doctor?

THIRTEEN: House obviously gave the present to himself.

[Hospital cafeteria. Wilson is eating and reading over a file
until House walks over and hands the iPhone back to him,
taking a seat himself. Wilson tries to control his anger.]

HOUSE: *pleased+ Theyre arguing right now.

WILSON: Ive been looking for this all morning.

HOUSE: Did you look in the box on my desk? Oh by the way,
your mom called. Your dads dead.

WILSON: [puts the iPhone back into his pocket and raises an
eyebrow] You left the present sitting on your desk?

HOUSE: Wouldnt have been as effective sitting in my closet
in my home.

WILSON: Theyre gonna know its from you.

HOUSE: No, theyre gonna guess that it was from me. Might
even be 90% sure that it was from me but all that means is,
theyre 10% sure that one of the other guys is screwing
them over.

WILSON: [blinks at that overwhelming explanation and gets
up to dump his plate] Have you ever considered channeling
your powers to, I dont know... bring peace to the mid-east?

HOUSE: *gets up to follow him+ I couldnt do that.

WILSON: But if they ever got it, you could screw it up.

HOUSE: Yeah. Thats more where my powers lie.

[Back in the lab where the duckies are performing the
bronchoalveolar lavage.]

TAUB: Gift could be from Wilson.

THIRTEEN: *firmly+ Its House.

KUTNER: Why do you have a problem with him speculating?

THIRTEEN: Because. Thats what House wants us to do.

TAUB: [moves away from the monitor] Lungs are pristine,
no infiltrates or alveolar hemorrhage.

KUTNER: Maggie, Im gonna remove the scope. I need you
to cough for me, okay?

[Maggie nods and coughs as Kutner starts pulling the tube
back out of her throat.]

KUTNER: Littler harder.

[She does as told, nearly choking as Kutner removes the
whole tube.]

KUTNER: Great.

*But Maggie keeps coughing and we see that theres blood
trickling out of her right eye now.]

TAUB: [cautiously] Maggie Open your eyes.

[Kutner and Thirteen turn back to look at her, both aware
that something is wrong. Maggie opens her eyes and we
see that the sclera has been stained with blood.]

MAGGIE: Why arent you saying anything?

[A pause as the duckies look at each other, more worried
now.]

MAGGIE: Whats wrong?

[The clinic. Thirteen, Taub, and Kutner walk in to find
House, whos looking over charts at the nurses station.+

TAUB: Maggie tested negative for sarcoidosis.

KUTNER: But shes bleeding into her eyes now.

HOUSE: [looks genuinely concerned] Have her platelets
dropped?

KUTNER: Plummeted. New labs show theyre under 40.
Shell bleed out of every orifice if we dont find the cause.

TAUB: Could be spleen sequestration, tuberculosis-

THIRTEEN: [interrupts] Brochet disease, TTP-

KUTNER: [continues to contribute] Hemolytic uremic
syndrome, sepsis, lupus-

HOUSE: [frowns at them mockingly] Listing all the possible
causes is only impressive if you can do it reverse
alphabetically. We need to know why her platelet machine
is broken. Go to the factory. Do a bone marrow aspiration.

[Thirteen and Taub exit but Kutner visibly lingers, first
seeming unsure until he approaches House and House looks
back at him cautiously.]

KUTNER: Im your Secret Santa.

[Thirteen and Taub are out of hearing range but glance back
to see why Kutner isnt coming.+

HOUSE: *lowers his voice+ Well youre not supposed to tell.

KUTNER: But you got a present already. Which means you
have more than one Secret Santa.

HOUSE: Or somebody else wants to make me happy.

KUTNER: [looks unconvinced and a little hurt but reaches
into his pocket and hands House a present with a smile]
Merry Christmas.

[Thirteen and Taub look at each other. House accepts the
present with a hint of a smile and Kutner turns to leave,
mouth dropping as he sees the other two and Thirteen
gives him a death glare. House grins devilishly and exits.]

[Clinic examination room. The blonde woman, Melanie is
back and she gives House a small wave as he enters, looking
somewhat confused.]

HOUSE: On one hand, you should be in bed. [shuts the
door+ On the other hand, I told you to rest so I see your
dilemma.

MELANIE: I dont think resting is the problem. Can strep
cause this? [pulls away her scarf to reveal red bulbous little
growths all along her neck. Theyre on the backs of her
hands too.]

HOUSE: [in a singsong-y voice] Clap on.

MELANIE: Trust me, first place I went. No rash on my labia.
Do you need to take a look?

HOUSE: [wants to say yes but then shuts his mouth+ Im
saving my money for a Red Ryder BB-gun.

[She gives him an amused look. He sits down in front of her
and uses his cane to pull the equipment table closer.]

HOUSE: Darker shade of lipstick?

MELANIE: Im not very any.

HOUSE: [leans closer to inspect her lips presumably] You
tell your mother what you do?

*She gives him one of those looks that says is this really
relevant?.+

HOUSE: Doesnt matter. Im curious.

MELANIE: I dont need to break her heart just do I can feel
righteous.

HOUSE: [touches a finger to her lips and feels them] You do
a donkey show? *a purposeful pause+ Im not curious. It
matters.

MELANIE: Its a donkey or a mule *gives him a knowing
look] I can never remember.

HOUSE: Wow That is a creepy smile. *cringes lightly+ I bet
the donkeys is even creepier.

MELANIE: [laughs lightly] Do I have to explain?

HOUSE: Nope. Its my job. Contagious ecthyma. Any contact
can cause rashes, flu symptoms, sore throat. Has there
been contact? *cringing again+

[She gives him a cute little nod.]

HOUSE: [starts writing her prescription] Okay. Antibiotic
cream for you and a love glove for Francis. Youll both be
fine.

MELANIE: [turns to grab an ad from her purse, which she
hands to him+ You should come see the show. I think youd
like it. [another insinuating smile]

HOUSE: Sorry, I hate Westerns.

[She smiles and leaves the ad with him anyways then exists
with a smile. House reads the ad and smiles, understanding
coming to him.]

[Operation room. Chase is performing the bone marrow
aspiration on a ventilated Maggie as Foreman watches.]

CHASE: So they really never lie?

FOREMAN: Doesnt seem like it. Admirable. You tell
Cameron everything?

CHASE: Hah! No.

[Chase pries open the skin with forceps and Foreman nods.]

FOREMAN: You think she keeps secrets?

CHASE: If I knew, they would be secrets. I hope she does.
People have a right to a little privacy, even from the people
they love.

[Foreman hands him the drill and he starts drilling into
Maggies bone.+

FOREMAN: You buy House a present?

CHASE: Why would I?

FOREMAN: To screw with me.

CHASE: Then Im gonna say yes.

[Foreman stares at the monitor and shakes his head. We
see that theres smoke coming up from the hole in which
Chase is drilling into.]

FOREMAN: No no, wait. Stop, stop. Whats that smell?

[Chase stops drilling. He and Foreman both look into the
hole.]

FOREMAN: Her bone is smoking.

CHASE: Her bones are harder than the drill?

*Xray room. House and the duckies are looking over xrays
of the bones in Maggies body.+

KUTNER: We ran a full body bone scan to find the cause of
hardening in the hip. No hotspots anywhere.

THIRTEEN: Tracer could have been inactive.

KUTNER: So I screwed up the test?

[Thirteen shrugs.]

TAUB: Theres so many ways that could have happened.
Maybe it was inactive, maybe it didnt fully circulate.

KUTNER: It circulated, the camera picked up-

HOUSE: *interrupts them+ Hey, hey. Its Christmas! Why are
you guys fighting?

FOREMAN: Why do you think there are no hotspots?

KUTNER: I did not screw up! The densitys consistent.

FOREMAN: Just means the density was consistent, doesnt
mean it was cold. Its possible all she has are hotspots. Its
consistent because her entire skeleton is turning to stone.

[The duckies, stunned, look to House for his opinions.]

HOUSE: Good for an aspiring superhero. Fatal for a human
hoping to make it to Kwanzaa.

KUTNER: Well its gotta be from a carbonic anhydrase type
2 deficiency.

HOUSE: It has free will. It doesnt have to be anything
doesnt want to be.

KUTNER: I meant, if its not CAII well, none of the other
causes of osteopetrosis are treatable.

[House and all the duckeis ponder that depressing thought
for a moment.]

HOUSE: *to Kutner+ Youre right, its gotta be. Go run her
blood and hope that your sunny optimism isnt misplaced.

[The duckies exit.]

*Nurses station in a hallway. House walks up to Wilson,
who is reviewing a few files.]

HOUSE: They accused Kutner of screwing up a test. Because
they hate him.

WILSON: Youre surprised? Thats the sort of crap that
happens when you mess with peoples heads.

[Wilson turns to leave and House follows.]

HOUSE: Well one day he will screw up a test. If they dont
accuse him of that because they like him, someone could
die. [a pause] Where are we going?

WILSON: Nowhere, I just know it hurts you.

[Wilson walks away and House stops, glaring at him but
seemingly amused.]

*Maggies room. Taub is talking with Maggie and Jane is in
the room as well.]

TAUB: CAII deficiency is a genetic disorder that scrambles
proteins. [draws some blood from her] If the blood test is
positive, youll need a bone marrow transplant.

MAGGIE: Transplant sounds like a euphemism for slim
odds.

TAUB: Uh Slim, but not none.

[Maggie sighs.]

TAUB: Were gonna need to test Jane for a match.

MAGGIE: Dont you have donor banks?

TAUB: Jane is your best bet. Procedures perfectly safe,
theres no risk.

MAGGIE: No risk. [scoffs]

TAUB: Any surgery has-

MAGGIE: *cuts him off+ Then dont tell me theres no risk.
You going to tell me theres no pain either?

TAUB: The testing will hurt a little

JANE: Ill be fine.

TAUB: If she doesnt do this and you dont make it shes
going to spend the rest of her life blaming herself.

[Maggie stares at the ceiling, silent for a moment. Jane
looks like shes about to cry.+

JANE: Mom Please.

MAGGIE: Find someone else. Let someone else take the
risk.

[Taub sighs silently and Maggie turns away from him and
towards Jane.]

*Houses office. House is playing with a watch when Taub
enters.]

TAUB: Donor bank turned up a 49 year old man in
Cleveland whos a five out of six HLA match. First flight out
of Cleveland leaves-

HOUSE: [interrupts] Why is a 49 year old Cleveland man a
closer match than her daughter?

TAUB: He may not be. Maggie didnt let us test her.

HOUSE: [frowns and stop playing with his watch] Why not?

TAUB: Pain, danger, risk of-

HOUSE: [interrupts again] Only reason to give multiple
reasons is youre searching for what the person wants to
hear. [stares at nothing in particular as the wheels in his
mind turn]

TAUB: [looks around] House.

[House glances up and Taub hands him a wrapped gift.
House takes the gift just as Thirteen enters.]

HOUSE: Youre wrong about sainted mommy.

THIRTEEN: Dont care. You can forget the donor bank,
theres no CAII deficiency. Best we can do is make her
comfortable.

[House drops his gaze, pondering for a moment until
Thirteen sees the present in his hands.]

THIRTEEN: Is that from Taub?

HOUSE: [purposefully articulate] Yes. Yes, it is.

THIRTEEN: [pulls out a gift as well and sighs, dropping it
onto his desk+ Merry Christmas. Whos going to tell the
patient shes dying?

HOUSE: [gaze lingers on her for a moment and then drops
Taubs present back onto his desk as well+ I will. And
nobody leaves here until we find out what killed her.

[House exits, Taub and Thirteen follow.]

[In the lab. The duckies are all running a panel of tests.]

KUTNER: Whatever she has is fatal. Makes no difference if
its disease number 58 or 907.

[Foreman and Taub just look at him. Silence.]

KUTNER: You guys mad at me?

THIRTEEN: Nope. You had no choice.

KUTNER: Of course I had a choice. You had no choice once I
made my choice.

THIRTEEN: And now Im choosing not to be mad at you.

KUTNER: Why?

THIRTEEN: Cause it will drive House nuts.

[Kutner and Taub grin for a moment.]

FOREMAN: *frowns+ And you think thatll make your lives
better or worse?

[Thirteen is speechless for a moment but then Jane walks in
and they turn to look at her.]

JANE: I told my mom I dont care what she thinks. I want
you to test my marrow.

*Maggies room. House is sitting by her bedside.+

MAGGIE: I cant be dying.

HOUSE: Sure you can.

MAGGIE: Youre wrong. *pushing down tears+ You dont
even know what I have.

HOUSE: What you have, is one last Christmas with your
daughter. One last chance to give her a present. [a
purposeful pause] The truth. Inexpensive, highly valued,
never have to stand in line to return it the day after
Christmas.

MAGGIE: What are you talking about?

HOUSE: A mother whos going to die doesnt refuse a donor
test because it might hurt. She refuses when she knows it
wont match. Which tends to happen when mother and
daughter arent mother and daughter.

[Maggie seems to have no response to that.]

HOUSE: I could do DNA tests, if youd rather keep lying to
me.

MAGGIE: [shakes her head, obviously conflicted] I never
wanted kids. I love them but with my genes I knew this
woman, a drug addict. She got pregnant, didnt want to
have an abortion. But she also didnt want her daughter to
ever know who her real mother was. What she was. I
promised never to tell.

HOUSE: A promise to an addict is worth more than a
promise to your daughter?

MAGGIE: Itd be cruel to tell her.

HOUSE: Right. [shrugs] She lives a lie, you get to die a
hypocrite.

[Jane enters with Thirteen behind her.]

JANE: Mom The doctors told me whats happening.

MAGGIE: Its gonna be okay, sweetheart. *nods+ I promise
you. Doctors can be wrong. Theres still a chance I can be-

JANE: [cuts her off] You really believe that?

[House and Thirteen both watch their conversation
intently.]

MAGGIE: [trying to be strong] I do.

JANE: *shakes her head+ No, mom. Youre dying. Nobody
can help you. Its not going to be okay.

[Jane swallows hard and Maggie exhales deeply as the truth
sinks into her. House watches them for a moment longer
and then gets up, leaving with Thirteen.]

THIRTEEN: [in disbelief, softly] That was cold.

HOUSE: Yeah.

[The Intensive Care Unit labeled door closes behind them.]

[House gets off the elevator and steps out into the
hospitals main lobby. Festive music is playing and the place
is all decorated. Nurses and doctors are chatting together
as if there is not work to be done. Everyone is happy but he
merely frowns and walks up to the receptionists desk.
Wilson approaches him, wearing a reindeer hat.]

WILSON: What did you get for Christmas?

HOUSE: I got a watch, a vintage LP, and a second edition
Conan Doyle. If that wasnt bad enough, my patients dying.

[House continues heading outside and Wilson follows him.]

WILSON: [sighs] Christmas deaths in a hospital, nothing
more depressing. No one ever wants to go in the patients
room, even the Candy Stripers leave them alone. [shivers
from the cold]

HOUSE: I saw something amazing.

[Wilson looks at him, intrigued.]

HOUSE: Pure truth. She told her mother that she was dying.
Stripped her of all hope.

WILSON: That sounds horrible.

HOUSE: Its like watching some bizarre astronomical event
that you know youre never going to see again.

WILSON: [unconvinced] You tell people the cold hard truth
all the time. You get off on it.

HOUSE: Because I dont care. She cared. She did it anyway.
[frowns for a second] She did it because she cared.

WILSON: [nods sarcastically] The angels of Christmas have
finally given House a present he can appreciate.

HOUSE: Oh, dont ruin it. Dont pin this on Christ, hes got
enough nails in him. *scowls at Wilsons reindeer hat+

WILSON: Patient had to die but-

HOUSE: *cuts him off+ Why dont you take off that hat?

WILSON: Its Christmas! Its a reindeer.

HOUSE: Its a moose, on a Jew.

WILSON: Who cares?

*He tugs on an invisible strong and one of the reindeers
horns waves at House.]

HOUSE: *sighs+ Things have their place. You wouldnt hang
dreidels on a Christmas tree.

WILSON: You could. Things dont care.

[House thinks about that for a moment and then seems to
realize something.]

HOUSE: No. They dont. *turns and goes back into the
hospital]

WILSON: Happy Solstice, House.

[In the lab. The duckies are still working on tests when they
heard House singing God Rest Ye Merry Gentleman and
turn to stare at him.]

HOUSE: *enters+ To save us all from Satans power, when
we were gone astray. Have you people no holiday spirit?
Bring me the eggnog of good cheer!

FOREMAN: House, if you have something to say, say it. If
you dont, give us a chance to get home before Santa.

HOUSE: [stares at him] Scrooge. Give the patient
rispiradone.

TAUB: Thats an anti-psychotic. Shes dying, shes not crazy.

HOUSE: I am going to perform a Christmas miracle.

[He turns to leave, singing again. The duckies immediately
get up to follow him.]

*Maggies room. House is feeling under her neck as the
duckies look on.]

MAGGIE: You said all the causes of osteopetrosis are fatal.

HOUSE: Except for the one we discounted early, because it
was impossible. When fetus forms, its just a mass of cells.
[continues feeling her body, working down her shoulders]
Breast tissue covers extensive portions of the body. As the
fetus develops, most of this tissue recedes, remaining only
in the fun places. [feeling down at her hip now] But
sometimes, extra breast tissue is left behind in places
where it doesnt belong. *down to her legs now+
Rispiradone does a lot of things. One is, makes breast tissue
swell so we can find it more easily.

MAGGIE: Youre telling me I could have breast cancer?
Somewhere not in my breast? That doesnt make sense.

HOUSE: Taubs parents have a winter condo in Florida.
Theyre still New Yorkers.

TAUB: Actually, my parents-

HOUSE: *interrupts+ Dont care. I told a parable. And now,
Im going to raise the dead

*House turns Maggies leg to the side and we see that there
is a swollen lump behind her knee.]

HOUSE: [to Thirteen] Give me that syringe.

THIRTEEN: Thats gotta be a fat deposit.

HOUSE: Yes, I could be wrong. If I am, shes dead so shut
up.

[House inserts the needle into the lump and extracts a
white substance. Maggie and Jane both visibly cringe.]

TAUB: Whats that?

HOUSE: Rispiradone also causes galacteria. [pulls the
needle out]

JANE: Whats that? Galactic?

HOUSE: Open your mouth.

[Jane stares at him, hesitant.]

HOUSE: Relax, youve had it before.

JANE: I am not-

[House squirts some of the white substance into her mouth.
Kutner and Taub both flinch.]

JANE: Milk? Eww! [wipes her mouth and chin, obviously
disgusted]

HOUSE: Well cut out your moms tumor and start her on
chemo. All the rest of your symptoms should go away.

[Maggie nods, relieved. Jane smiles and brushes her hand
against her mothers cheek.+

MAGGIE: I love you.

JANE: I know.

*Thirteen smiles and watches House, whos observing the
two like he still amazed by it all.]

HOUSE: Have a wonderful life. [exits]

[Hospital main lobby. Slow motion, no sound, only music is
playing. We see Chase, Cameron, and Foreman talking and
laughing with each other. Foreman turns and sees Kutner,
Taub, and Thirteen. He beckons them over and Chase raises
his drink as a toast. House steps out of the elevator and
crosses the lobby, seeing his four employees and two ex-
employees all chatting together. They see him as well but
he merely gives them a curt nod and continues on his way
out in true Scrooge fashion. Outside, he is struck by a
thought and he smiles.]

[Regular camera speeds now but still no sound, just the
holiday music. House walks down the aisle of a church and
takes a seat next to a family with a little girl. The church is
showing a Christmas play. From the side of the stage, a few
people enter. One of which is Melanie, dressed up like the
virgin Mary and sitting on top of a donkey. She spots House
in the audience and gives him a coy smile as she is helped
down from the donkey. He returns her smile with a devilish,
knowing smile of his own.]

411 - Frozen
[South Pole. Snow storm. A guy, Sean, is fixing one of
several windmills. His job seemingly done he starts to walk
away but turns back as he hears it creaking loudly. One of
the propellers of the windmill breaks off and shoots off
towards Sean. He can't get out of the way in time and it hits
him and cuts his leg open. He falls to the ground screaming
as blood is shooting from his leg. He manages to get out his
walkie talkie.]

SEAN: Doc, help, doc! [A women comes running up to him.]
It stopped bleeding. It stopped bleeding.

CATE: That's because your blood's freezing as it's hitting the
air. [Pulls out a bandage and puts it on his leg.] Here, apply
pressure on it.

SEAN: I think my leg is frozen.

CATE: That's the least of your problems. [Ties something
around his leg.] The blade severed your femoral artery.
[Manges to help him to shelter.]

SEAN: Am I gonna lose my leg?

CATE: Frostbite's not too bad but I gotta fix your artery
now. This is gonna hurt. [Squirts some sort of liquid onto
the wound. Sean screams. Pulls out a bottle of glue.]

SEAN: You're gonna put that in me?

CATE: Glue's the best way to repair your artery at this
temperature. [Squirts some in and holds it in place.] It looks
okay. [Hands Sean a roll of duct tape.] Here, tear off some
pieces. I have to check your foot. [As Sean tapes his own leg
up Cate pulls off his shoe and sock and squeezes his big
toe.] Blood flow looks good. Your leg should be okay.

SEAN: I thought I was done.

CATE: Yeah, like I'd let anything happen to you. You're the
only one who can fix the generators. One... two... three.
[Tries to help Sean up but falls over and screams.]

SEAN: Cate, Cate, are you okay? Are you okay? [Cate
clutches her side, rolls over and vomits some yellow stuff.]

CATE: I... I... I need help.

SEAN: Who am I supposed to get?

[Cut to House in Coma Guy's room, fiddling with the TV.
Cuddy walks in.]

CUDDY: Why do I even give you an office? New case. Psych
department asked for you personally.

HOUSE: Patient's a crazy person?

CUDDY: You're a crazy person. Patient's a psychiatrist.

HOUSE: [Still fiddling with the TV] There's something wrong
with coma guy's cable.

CUDDY: He seems fine with it. Your patient is an adjunct
faculty member here but currently... [House whacks the
side of the TV.] The budget committee voted to charge for
cable in the patient rooms.

HOUSE: Slippery slope. Today we withhold porn, tomorrow
it's clean bandages.

CUDDY: Talk to Carlson in derm, he runs the budget
committee... After you look at this. [Hands him the file.]

HOUSE: After you talk to Carlson, maybe I'll...

CUDDY: The patient is trapped at the South Pole. [House
takes the file and Cuddy leaves.]

[Cut to Diagnostics office.]

13: Any possibility of evacuating her?

HOUSE: Well that wouldn't be any fun. And for the next two
months, winds make it impossible to fly anything in or out.

13: Could be appendicitis or a gall stone.

KUTNER: Or a kidney stone.

HOUSE: That wouldn't be any fun. If it's appendicitis down
there, her appendix ruptures, she dies, there's nothing we
can do. If it's stones, she takes pain meds, the stone passes,
there's nothing we need to do.

KUTNER: Could be a struvite kidney stone.

FOREMAN: Most kidney stones are calcium and benign.
Why would you suspect a struvite stone?

KUTNER: Cause he said kidney stones were boring.

TAUB: It's possible. She's on birth control. Lots of sex could
lead to urinary tract infection, which could lead to an
infection-laced struvite kidney stone.

HOUSE: Excessive antarctic drilling. Bad for the
environment and the ladies.

13: If it's a struvite stone she needs to break it up quickly
before the infection shuts down her kidneys.

HOUSE: This is where it gets fun. [Dumps a box of stuff on
the table.] These are the supplies and medications she has
available.

TAUB: [Looking through the stuff.] Nothing here that could
break up a kidney stone.

KUTNER: What else do they have down there?

HOUSE: I just said...

KUTNER: I don't mean medical stuff, other stuff. Some
geological equipment breaks ice and rock the same way we
break kidney stones. [Everyone stares at him.] Discovery
channel. I like watching them blow stuff up.

HOUSE: Who doesn't? That reminds me. [Leaves.]

[Cut to House following Cameron down a hallway.]

HOUSE: Coma guy needs cable. Women's billiard is the only
thing that's keeping him alive.

CAMERON: I'm sure Carlson will be moved by HIS plight.

HOUSE: Carlson won't listen to me since I hit on his wife.

CAMERON: [Smiles.] You knew? [Starts reading a file.]

HOUSE: God no. I thought I was hitting on his daughter.
[Cameron rolls her eyes.] Look, you're on the committee.
He'll listen to you. [Cameron looks surprised.] I'm an avid
reader of committees with hotties message boards.

CAMERON: [Walks over to a patients bed and hands the file
to a nurse.] Amoxicillin, 500 milligrams IV. [Moves onto
another patient and picks up the chart.]

HOUSE: [Following her.] Studies conducted in major
hospitals indicate that happy patients recover faster.
Studies conducted in my apartment show that TV makes
people happy. Premium channels have a particularly
striking effect.

CAMERON: Charging patients for cable is bringing in 13
grand a month.

HOUSE: Until this injustice is righted, I am going to waste 13
grand a day. [Tips out a box of tongue depressors onto the
floor. Cameron just looks at him.] It's 2 dollars 49 cents
down.

CAMERON: [Hands the chart to a nurse.] Get an EKG and a
cardiac enzyme. If those check out, discharge him and tell
him to get a snow blower.

HOUSE: [Pulls out rubber gloves one at a time from a box
and throws them on the ground.] How much is 13 grand
divided by 4 cents?

CAMERON: [Takes the box off him.] I am not giving you
cable. You're going to have to somehow survive with the
broadcast networks alone.

HOUSE: I'll be fine on Tuesday's. [Cameron pulls the curtain
in front of him.]

[Cut to the Diagnostics office.]

KUTNER: If sound waves from the flaw detector break the
egg it should safely dissolve your kidney stone.

[The fellows are all staring at a big TV showing Cate and
Sean (who is on crutches) thanks to a web cam.]

CATE: This isn't going to work. [Walks over towards the
camera.]

KUTNER: There's no reason it shouldn't. Sound waves are
sound waves. Stones are stones.

CATE: Some are bigger than others. Some are inside me.

[House walks in.]

HOUSE: How's it going, team MacGyver? [Sees the screen.]
Oh, great. I can't get cable, but I can get the South Pole on
hi-def.

KUTNER: We're almost ready to start the test.

HOUSE: Test? Did Ford test the Edsel? Did Coke test New
Coke? Did Shakespeare test his final play, Snow Dogs?

CATE: I'm guessing you're Dr House? I was wondering when
you might drop by.

HOUSE: Can she see me?

CATE: Oh yeah.

HOUSE: Think Jagger shows up for the sound check? [Cate
walks away from the camera.] Okay. Roadies, off the stage.
Go help Cameron in the ER.

TAUB: Why? No way you're just doing her a favour.

HOUSE: ER is standing room only. Which means Cameron's
bound to make a mistake. Find it so I can blackmail her. As
far as you know, this is way more than just some silly battle
over cable. [New fellows leave, Foreman sits down.]

CATE: Ready. [Cate starts the test which is an egg in a jar of
water. They watch as the egg cracks open. Then the jar
explodes.]

HOUSE: You, you might want to just, dial it down a smidge.

CATE: I am not doing this. [Sits down in front of the
camera.] Your kidney stone theory hinges on me having sex,
but I...

HOUSE: Let me guess. You're as pure as the driven snow.

CATE: Only if the snow likes to be on top. But I am here
doing psychological research, generally not a good idea to
swap fluids with your subjects.

HOUSE: Struvite stones are possible in people who don't
have sex. They're certainly possible in people who claim not
to have...

CATE: I've had no UTI's. No pain on urination.

HOUSE: You do realise that only one of us is a real doctor?

CATE: You do realise that only one of us has any control
over my actions?

FOREMAN: Dr. Milton, are you able to run a chem 7?

CATE: Yes.

FOREMAN: That'll tell us if her kidney function's declining. If
it is, he's right. Struvite stone's most likely explanation. If
not, she's right. [Foreman looks at House who just stares at
him.] Sorry, I know how you like to avoid avoiding
confrontation.


HOUSE: While we're waiting for that test to prove me right,
start IV Cefuroxime. Keep the infection in the stone from
wiping out your kidneys.

CATE: I'll send the chem 7 results when I'm done. [Turns off
the camera.]

HOUSE: She's a great psychiatrist. One session, I've got
shrinkage.

[Cut to new fellows talking to Cameron in ER]

13: House wants us to spy on you, report back.

CAMERON: And you're telling me this because...

KUTNER: We don't want to do it.

CAMERON: I don't see a problem so far.

TAUB: If our choice is between pissing House off or pissing
you off, that's not much of a choice.

CAMERON: So unless I give House cable, you're going to
make my life miserable.

13: Yes.

CAMERON: And you're telling me this so you won't feel as
guilty when you do it.

TAUB: Yes.

CAMERON: Accommodating House's every whim is not my
job anymore.

TAUB: But it is ours.

KUTNER: House will get what he wants. [Cameron laughs
and walks away.]

TAUB: Maybe we should just pay for it ourselves and tell
him she folded. [They all start to leave]

CAMERON: [Overhearing them.] No. [They stop and look
back.]

[Cut to Diagnostics office with House and Foreman talking
to Cate on the big screen.]

HOUSE: Your chem 7 results show that your kidney function
is declining. Sounds like a kidney stone to me.

CATE: The decreased function could be from dehydration
caused by vomiting due to a gallstone.

HOUSE: You agreed that the chem 7 would decide if it was a
struvite stone.

CATE: I agreed to do the test. The results are up for
interpretation. I'll redo the test in an hour when I'm re-
hydrated. [Takes a drink from a bottle using her left hand.]

FOREMAN: Have you noticed any improvement since
starting the cefuroxime?

CATE: Not really. The pain's about the same.

FOREMAN: While you're waiting, we should run another
test with the geology equipment...

HOUSE: You're not taking the cefuroxime. She's right
handed. Means she would've put the IV in her left arm.
Catheter in the arm makes it hard to bend the elbow the
way people do when they drink!

CATE: We have a limited supply of medication and I'm not
about to waste it.

HOUSE: Last I checked, you had a limited supply of doctors.

CATE: Right before I got sick, one of my crew members
severed his femoral artery. He needs the cefuroxime.
[Starts breathing heavily.]

HOUSE: Right, he called dibs.

CATE: His need is definitive. Mine is speculative.

HOUSE: You're breathing fast.

CATE: It's because I'm pissed off!

HOUSE: Lift up your chin. Show me your windpipe. [She
does so, both Foreman and House move closer to the
screen for a better look.]

CATE: Ah! My chest hurts.

FOREMAN: It's deviating to the left.

HOUSE: Means her right lung is collapsing.

FOREMAN: Cate Is anyone there with you?

CATE: Sean went to the mess.

FOREMAN: You need to call someone.

HOUSE: There's no time. Get a syringe and a needle.

CATE: Why am I doing...

HOUSE: Shut up and look. [Cate does as she's told.]

FOREMAN: She could pass out. She needs...

HOUSE: She needs to re-inflate that lung. [Cate finds a
needle.] Okay, now pull out that plunger. I want you to stab
yourself in your right side between the second and third rib
in the midclavicular line. [Cate pulls out the plunger but
hesitates.] By the time we get someone else there, you'll
have suffocated. Just do it. [Cate stabs her chest. We see
the lung expanding and hear air being released from the
needle. Cate starts to breathe easier.] See all the good stuff
that happens when you listen to me?

CATE: Means it's not a kidney stone.

[Cut to a view of Cate in a bed breathing with the help of an
oxygen mask. House and Foreman are still in the
diagnostics office.]

HOUSE: Right side pain, vomiting, and now a lung that gets
traumatised without any trauma. Sounds odd, probably is
odd.

FOREMAN: We should discuss this, then call her back.

HOUSE: No it's fine. I made sure we got the South Pole long
distance plan. Your latest kidney function test shows...

CATE: I know what it shows, I ran it.

HOUSE: The more you interrupt, the longer my
grandstanding is going to take.

FOREMAN: Since when do you let patients participate in
differentials?

HOUSE: Since the patient and her doctor happen to be the
same person. Your kidney function is still declining, means
you have a kidney problem.

CATE: But not one that needed antibiotics. Makes us
equally wrong.

HOUSE: No, makes us both wrong. Not equally. You were at
least six wronger.

HOUSE: They run a PPD before you shipped out?

CATE: On me and everybody else here, it's not TB.

FOREMAN: Excuse us a second. [Mutes the microphone.]
Cancer explains the symptoms. A tumour in her lung or
kidney that threw a clot to the other organ.

HOUSE: And you're worried the tumour might overhear,
realise we're on to it.

FOREMAN: Cancer's a hard diagnosis for patients even
when they're not in the South Pole. We should figure this
out, maybe bring Wilson in.

[House un-mutes.]

CATE: Obviously you two think I'm in bad shape.

HOUSE: Only if you count the tumour.

FOREMAN: House!

HOUSE: Probably in your abdomen. But you don't have any
advanced imaging equipment. You also don't have a
surgeon to biopsy it, any stains to use on the slide, or an
oncologist to analyse it. [Foreman gives him a look.] We're
too far away to hold her hand.

CATE: I have cancer?

FOREMAN: Possibly.

HOUSE: Since the only imaging equipment you have is X-
ray, let's start there. X-ray your entire body.

CATE: I'll upload the images when I'm done. [Turns off the
camera.]

HOUSE: Good for you.

[We see a montage of Cate taking her own X-rays]

[Cut to House and Wilson in radiology looking at the
images.]

HOUSE: She's annoying. Refused to take the antibiotics
because other people might need them.

WILSON: She said she cares about other people? What a
poser. KUB is clean. You don't like her because she's a
psychiatrist.

HOUSE: I'm a complicated man. I loathe her for many
reasons.

WILSON: Never before has a profession been so decried by
someone who needed it so badly.

HOUSE: You talk a lot of smack about tranny hookers.

WILSON: Enlarged mediastinal node.

HOUSE: Lymphoma.

WILSON: Probably, but we can't confirm it without a biopsy.

HOUSE: You can't analyse a biopsy without a stain.

WILSON: We can't biopsy.

HOUSE: Cause they don't have stains down there. We need
a substitute.

WILSON: She can't biopsy that node without a surgical team
and an OR.

HOUSE: Anything with a strong colour could work as a stain.
Printer ink, food colouring, coffee.

WILSON: No thanks.

HOUSE: Find a node closer to the surface, one she can
biopsy.

WILSON: That makes sense.

HOUSE: That makes sense?

WILSON: I said it first.

HOUSE: In a shockingly calm manner, after I'd just been
jerking you around for 30 seconds without you complaining
or analysing said jerking.

WILSON: I was being mature.

HOUSE: In a lavender shirt. You for some reason are happy.

WILSON: How dare you? The X-rays don't show any other
abnormal nodes.

HOUSE: Abnormal nodes can be felt before they can be
seen on an X-ray. You're wearing that shirt for someone.

WILSON: The health department. They frown on topless
oncology. You're going to do a physical?

HOUSE: Have to. You and Foreman are going to be here
looking for a stain. [House leaves.]

[Cut to House in his apartment, using a laptop to talk to
Cate.]

CATE: I can do the physical. There's no reason you need to
watch.

HOUSE: I can think of at least three reasons. One of them's
medical.

CATE: Where are you? Not in your office.

HOUSE: You're not in the hospital. No reason for me to be.

CATE: I am not undressing for you in your apartment.

HOUSE: You're not in my apartment. You're three quarters
of a world away. I promise not to get fresh.

CATE: I'm not taking off my clothes.

HOUSE: One of us has to.

CATE: [Thinks about it.] Show me your place.

HOUSE: It's got walls, a floor, and in some places, a roof.

CATE: I am not exposing myself without some reciprocity.

HOUSE: It's my apartment, it's not my soul. [Cate just sit
there. Picks up the laptop and points it towards the room.]
Living room.

CATE: Slow down. [House moves the laptop slower, Cate
notices his bookshelf.] Lots of books. I'm betting all medical.

HOUSE: [Points it back towards himself.] Only if you count
Jenna Jameson's autobiography as a gynaecological text.

CATE: Fiction is a waste of time unless you can laugh at it.

HOUSE: I love to laugh. Moving on. [Moves the laptop again
showing a glimpse of the half bottle of bourbon on the
coffee table.]

CATE: Back up. [House stops.] How bad is the insomnia? Let
me quantify that. Do you drink two or three scotches
before passing out in front of the TV?

HOUSE: You are so far off. It's bourbon. [Gives her a better
look at the bottle. Then continues showing the apartment.]

CATE: No photos anywhere. Family and friends aren't
important?

HOUSE: Well, you're sick. You've got 20 people down the
hall and you've had exactly one visitor.

CATE: I don't want to panic anyone.

HOUSE: You don't like people. You hide on that ice cube
so...

CATE: Stop projecting. You're anti-social, so you assume I'm
anti-social.

HOUSE: [Rolls his eyes.] How about if I just get naked and
you shut up?

CATE: If I thought I could get you naked, I would've led with
that. You'd rather show me your soul than your leg.

HOUSE: Great. You've got me all figured out. You going to
try and fix me now?

CATE: I never said you needed fixing.

[Cut to Foreman and Wilson in the lab testing possible
stains.]

FOREMAN: He's letting her take part in the differentials.

WILSON: Of course he is. He likes her. Big shock, spaghetti
sauce doesn't work as a lymph tissue stain. I'll try... the
coffee.

FOREMAN: He's annoyed by her, doesn't respect her as a
doctor, constantly insults her.

WILSON: That's House's version of courtship.

FOREMAN: Oh, god. He's been wooing me for years.

WILSON: She's the perfect woman for him. Willing to
literally go to the end of the earth for her career, making
her unavailable for a real relationship. And she's afflicted
with a mysterious illness.

FOREMAN: Soya sauce is a no-go.

WILSON: We're going to be here all night.

[Cut back to House lying back on the couch, drinking some
Bourbon and waiting for Cate]

HOUSE: How long does it take you to get naked?

CATE: It's the South Pole. I wear a lot of layers. Okay. Ready.
[Picks up the camera.]

HOUSE: I saw socks. That's not naked.

CATE: Have I mentioned it's freezing here? When they
discover lymph nodes in feet, I will take off my socks.

HOUSE: Use your right hand to palpate the nodes. Any node
you can feel is one we can biopsy. Let's start with your
breasts, move down to the ass, then...

CATE: I was thinking... go from the neck and work my way
down.

HOUSE: Well, you could. But I'd never forgive myself if we
found something before we got to your breasts.

CATE: I'm starting with the anterior cervical nodes. [Starts
to feel her neck, House sits up and puts down the drink.]

HOUSE: Turn your head. Locate the SCM muscle.

CATE: I know how to find my lymph nodes.

HOUSE: They teach you that before or after the class on
fondling your inner child? [House turns on some music.]

CATE: No swelling, no tenderness, and I can hear that,
House.

HOUSE: Just thought it might help you relax. Anything in the
axillary nodes?

CATE: All clear. Both sides.

HOUSE: Slide your hand to your sternum, probe for nodes.
Moving slowly downward. [Cate does as told.]

CATE: Down to what, House?

HOUSE: Sorry, can't hear you on account of your heavy
breathing.

CATE: I'm supposed to be on oxygen, you tool.

HOUSE: [Turns off the music.] Hold it. [Cate stops.] Your
fingers didn't go quite as deep. Feel that node again.

CATE: It...it's swollen.

HOUSE: Looks like you're doing a biopsy.

[Cut to House and Wilson in the Diagnostics office. Cate is
on the big screen again and is putting ice on her stomach.]

CATE: It's pretty numb.

WILSON: Okay, take a deep breath... and insert the needle
into the node.

HOUSE: Come on, Cate. Let's get this over with.

WILSON: [Mutes the microphone.] You used her name.

HOUSE: Just trying to move things along, Bob. [Wilson un-
mutes.]

CATE: [Inserts the needle.] Okay, I'm in.

WILSON: You need to pull back on the syringe. [Cate tries to
pull but nothing happens.] You need to pull harder. [Cate
does so and screams in pain as the syringe fills with some
sort of yellow liquid.]

HOUSE: You okay?

CATE: Yeah.

[Cut to House and Wilson in the lift.]

WILSON: Are you okay?

HOUSE: It's a valid medical question.

WILSON: I have never heard you ask a patient that
question. You've never asked me that question, you've seen
me fall down a flight of stairs drunk. You've slept with her.

HOUSE: She's 9,000 miles away. [Elevator opens, they walk
out towards the exit.] And while a certain part of me
unfurled...

WILSON: No, you... Somehow you've been intimate with
her. Why are you following me?

HOUSE: Thought you were following me.

WILSON: No, you are definitely following me.

HOUSE: Where are you going?

WILSON: Out to lunch.

HOUSE: You never go out to lunch. Means there's a reason
you're going out to lunch. I assume that reason is a human
being.

WILSON: Or a sandwich.

HOUSE: Sandwiches can come here.

WILSON: So can human beings.

HOUSE: Yet she's not, which I find interesting.

WILSON: I'm leaving now. [Walks away.]

HOUSE: Small world. [Follows.]

WILSON: Are you going to follow me into my car?

HOUSE: It's got two doors.

WILSON: Okay, look. The reason I haven't told you is...
[Runs off leaving House just standing there watching.]

[Cameron walks up behind House.]

CAMERON: Call off your dogs, House. Your little helpers are
interrogating my patients, swiping my charts, intercepting
prescriptions.

HOUSE: Why would you think that I'm...

CAMERON: Because I'm not a moron. You had to be pulling
the strings here. You think that because they make me
miserable I'm going to give you cable?

HOUSE: Let's assume that's true. And it certainly sounds like
it might be. What are you going to do?

CAMERON: Nothing. I resigned from the budget committee.
[Shows House a piece of paper.] I only joined the
committee to help the hospital. You made me a liability. I
now have zero influence over the hospital's cable policy.
[Walks away and smiles.]

[Aerial of PPTH.]

[Cut to House finding the newbies in the hallway.]

HOUSE: Well done.

TAUB: It didn't work. There's nothing more that we can do.

HOUSE: Put these up. [Hands them some fliers.]

KUTNER: [Reading the flier.] Free rottweiler puppies. Please
call after 11:00 pm and before 5:00 am. [Looks up at House]
Is this Cameron's home number?

HOUSE: [Putting up a flier.] I love a new puppy. My last one
was delicious, very tender.

TAUB: There's no point in torturing her.

HOUSE: If she can resign, she can unresign. Go to def-con
one. Forget waiting for a mistake, make her make one.

13: You want us to sabotage another doctor, possibly harm
a patient, all so you can have cable.

HOUSE: Harm suggests permanent damage. Get her to
screw up, then fix it. Oh and this time, don't tell her what
you're going to do before you do it. [Leaves.]

[Cut to Wilson in his office using a laptop to talk to Cate
who is putting the node sample under a microscope.]

CATE: So, how long do I let the lymph node marinate in the
red wine?

WILSON: It should be ready now. [Cate look in the
microscope. Wilson has a spilt screen and is looking at the
same thing.] Try increasing the magnification on the
camera. [Cate does so.]

CATE: You know, I e-mailed a couple colleagues at the
hospital about you.

WILSON: You're checking up on me, not House?

CATE: Yeah, well House is straightforward, brilliant, and an
ass.

WILSON: Two out of three good qualities, clear majority.

CATE: Whereas you, on the other hand, have a perfect
score. You are responsible, nice, human, and yet you're
House's best friend.

WILSON: Hold there. [Cate stops adjusting.] Makes you
think he's secretly nicer than he seems?

CATE: Makes me think that you're secretly a lot less nice
than you seem.

WILSON: Do you always insult your doctors?

CATE: It's not an insult. Indiscriminate niceness is overrated.

WILSON: [Smiles.] No wonder he likes you. Based on this
slide, you do not have cancer.

CATE: [Relieved.] Oh thank god.

WILSON: I do see some inflammation which could mean...

CATE: [Leans back in her chair and grabs her side.] Ah!

WILSON: Cate? You all right?

CATE: My left side it hurts... It's the same pain that I had on
the right.

WILSON: Your other Kidney.

CATE: No, I hope it's something, It's maybe [Screams.] No!
I'm screwed.

[Cut to House in his apartment talking to Cate on the laptop
again. Cate is back in bed.]

HOUSE: Bad news is you're 0 for 2 in the Kidney
department.

CATE: Is there good news? You're back at home.

HOUSE: Of course. There's cable. And the freedom to work
pant-free.

CATE: That is good news.

HOUSE: Wilson found signs of inflammation in your biopsy.
That plus the two failing Kidneys points to autoimmune
disease. Probably SLE or vasculitis. Treatment for both is
prednisone. Start with 100 milligrams...

CATE: Autoimmune is just your latest theory. Like cancer
before that, and a Kidney stone before.

HOUSE: Take the prednisone, you'll get better, that'll be
your confirmation.

CATE: You practice medicine like it's a fire sale. You've
wasted antibiotics, X-rays.

HOUSE: That was not a waste. We ruled out...

CATE: We have a crew member here who has asthma. If he
has an episode after I've used up the prednisone, he'll die.

HOUSE: There a good chance he's going to die anyway,
since there won't be a doctor there to help him.

CATE: Show me proof that it's autoimmune and then I'll
take the prednisone. [Turns off the camera.]

[Aerial of PPTH, night.]

[Cut to House's office]

FOREMAN: We should send her outside.

HOUSE: Right, just tell her to head north until she runs into
a hospital.

FOREMAN: Autoimmune diseases are basically
inflammation running wild. Extreme cold has been used as
treatment, like putting ice on a sprained ankle. She starts to
feel better outside, we know it's autoimmune.

WILSON: [Notices something on House's desk.] Is that my
wallet?

HOUSE: Yeah, you can have it back. I've already been
through it. I like your ice on a sprain metaphor. Makes it
seem like we're not killing her.

FOREMAN: She'd only need to be outside five minutes.

HOUSE: Without her mittens. Mum told me that was a bad
idea. Especially that winter it was 70 below and I had dual
Kidney failure.

FOREMAN: This is a good idea. It's perfect for you.
Experimental, risky. Wilson's right. You care about...

WILSON: You didn't touch the cash, but you took the
receipts?

HOUSE: [Picks up a receipt off his desk.] $190 restaurant
tab. That's dessert, probably booze. Means you lingered.
Means it's at least the third date. Means... [Starts to leave.]

FOREMAN: Where are you going?

HOUSE: To talk to the people I pay to come up with medical
ideas.

FOREMAN: There are no ideas. The test for autoimmune is
ANA. Unless penguins poop immuno-analysers, she's not...

HOUSE: Before A.N.A. Testing, people had autoimmune
diseases. How did they know?

FOREMAN: C3.

HOUSE: Before that.

FOREMAN: LE Prep. But she doesn't have any controlled
pore glass beads.

WILSON: You don't need them. [Holds up a paperclip.]

[Cut to Cate dropping a paperclip into a test tube of blood,
she puts the stopper on and starts shaking it. House in in his
office watching.]

HOUSE: When you shake the test tube, the paperclip will
damage some of your blood cells. If you have an
autoimmune disease, your immune system will gorge itself
on the damaged cells. They'll get big and fat so you can see
them under a microscope. [She puts the test tube down
and picks up the oxygen mask.] How you doing?

CATE: No change. So how long should I give the cells to
fatten up before I check them?

HOUSE: Couple hours. Or you could stop being a hypocrite
and take the prednisone now.

CATE: Not bending to your will makes me a hypocrite?

HOUSE: If your psych patients demanded lab results, you'd
never make a diagnosis.

CATE: So I'm wrong. You sleep like a baby, your life is
unfolding as you dreamed.

HOUSE: Everyone is miserable. You don't change that
because people don't change.

CATE: You want to believe that because then you're freed
from any responsibility for your misery.

HOUSE: Oh shut up. I get enough of this from Wilson.

CATE: And yet you keep hanging out with him. And from
what I hear, you have spent more time with me than with
any other patient.

HOUSE: Sorry about that. Call me when you get the results.
[Turns off the camera.]

[Cut to House and Foreman in line at the cafeteria. Cuddy
walks up.]

CUDDY: How's your patient?

HOUSE: She has an autoimmune disease. Tell the psych
department she's in denial.

CUDDY: I had to fire Cameron.

FOREMAN: What? What happened?

CUDDY: 65-year-old man came into the ER with a hip
fracture. Cameron gave him Demerol. The guy was on an
MAOI, put him into a hypertensive crisis.

FOREMAN: Is he going to live?

CUDDY: Taub caught the error in time. If she'd just
admitted the mistake, maybe I could've just suspended her.
But... she's packing up, if you want to say good-bye.

HOUSE: We should be hearing from the South Pole in a few
minutes.

CUDDY: That's it?

HOUSE: Well there's nothing to be done. She screwed up.
She's got no one to blame but herself. [Cuddy leaves.]

FOREMAN: I got to go talk to Cameron.

HOUSE: Cuddy wouldn't can her for one screw-up and if she
did, she wouldn't come to me. And if she did, she wouldn't
open with, "how's your patient." And if she did...

FOREMAN: Why would she lie?

HOUSE: Timeless question. In this case, she conspired with
your coworkers to teach me that some things are more
important than cable. And I'm gonna have to teach them
that they're wrong. Come on, South Pole really should be
calling. [Motions for Foreman to give him money to pay for
his food.]

[Cut to House and Foreman in the Diagnostics office
watching Cate on the big screen again.]

CATE: LE Prep test was negative. It's not autoimmune.

HOUSE: You're basing that on a test done with a paperclip.
Just take the prednisone.

CATE: Either find another diagnosis or find another test.

HOUSE: There is one way. You can take this experimental
drug called... Pred-ni-sone! Your Kidneys start working...

FOREMAN: There is another test.

HOUSE: [Scrunches his chip packet near the microphone.] I,
I think Foreman may have just broken up there. What he
actually said was there is no other test.

FOREMAN: If you have an autoimmune disease, exposure
to the cold should decrease your kidney pain.

CATE: If I go outside, we'll have our answer? [Foreman
nods.] [To House.] And you knew about this?

HOUSE: I rejected it because if you're frozen solid, it's hard
to get the needles into your arms.

CATE: [Getting up.] How long do I need to stay out?

FOREMAN: At least five minutes.

HOUSE: Eight minutes outside would kill a healthy person.
And healthy people don't suck on oxygen masks. Healthy
people can pee.

CATE: I'll go get Sean, have him come with me. [Starts
taking off layers.]

HOUSE: Just take the prednisone!

CATE: Once I come inside. If it's autoimmune. [Picks up the
screen but starts to wobble.]

FOREMAN: Are you all right? [She collapses.]

HOUSE: Oh I'm sure she's just fine. Cate? [To Foreman] Do
you know if there's anyone down there who has a cell
phone.

[Shot of Sean looking over Cate who's on a table still
unconscious.]

[Cut to House, Wilson and Foreman in the elevator.]

FOREMAN: Took the station mechanic 20 minutes to
respond. She'd already slipped into a coma. Started her on
prednisone, but no improvement.

HOUSE: Means it's not autoimmune. Good thing she's in a
coma, or we'd have to listen to her gloat.

WILSON: And where are we going?

HOUSE: To find the useful members of my team.

FOREMAN: You're letting them off the hook?

HOUSE: Happy? Because of you, I'm not going to be able to
watch law and order in Korean

WILSON: Why am I here?

HOUSE: Because I want to ask you about your girlfriend. I
must know who she is or you'd have told me her name.

WILSON: She doesn't have a name. It's some sort of birth
defect.

HOUSE: There's only about 12 people we both know. I can't
remember five of their names, so we're down to... Cuddy...
Your ex-wives

WILSON: Your mama. [Elevator opens, they walk out.] You
need to run a Kidney function test.

HOUSE: Yes, if only she wasn't in a coma, we could get her
to run a test to find out why she's in a coma. The results
would likely be paradoxical. Can't be Cuddy, 'cause you're
straight. Can't be...

FOREMAN: We could talk the mechanic through the test.

HOUSE: Too complicated... Unless he's thirsty.

[Cut to Diagnostics office. House and Foreman are talking to
Sean on the big screen.]

SEAN: Drink her urine?

FOREMAN: If it has a strong, concentrated taste, it means
the problem's in her Kidneys. Watery taste means it's her
brain.

SEAN: And then you can fix it?

HOUSE: Let's say yeah.

SEAN: How do I get the urine out?

FOREMAN: Take a straight catheter and insert it...

HOUSE: These are your only questions? Not, is it safe? Or, is
there another way? Or, are you out of your minds?

SEAN: You wouldn't ask me if...

HOUSE: Wait a second. You're in love with her. That
explains why you're so eager to get her naked, then have a
drink. Cause most guys like to go the other way around.

SEAN: Why do you care how I feel about her?

HOUSE: Because now, I know that I can get you to do
anything to save her. Tell him how to tap the keg. [Leaves.]

[Aerial of PPTH.]

[Cut to House walking up to the newbies in the cafeteria.]

HOUSE: You got Cameron fired.

TAUB: Cuddy wasn't supposed to find out.

HOUSE: No kidding! Get me cable. How tough can that be?
Cost a woman her job. There's only one thing you can say to
keep me from firing you.

13: Cameron wasn't fired.

HOUSE: Wrong.

TAUB: You know?

KUTNER: We're still fired?

HOUSE: That should be a hint as to what you're supposed
to say.

TAUB: We're sorry.

HOUSE: Wrong.

KUTNER: I love you.

HOUSE: Wrong.

13: This is a game? First we have to screw with our co-
worker and now we have to try to figure out what you want
us to say? This is insane. I'm not playing.

HOUSE: Right. You should've said this two days ago. Do not
play games with me. Number one, you're going to lose,
you're just not ready. Number two, the game was to force
you to stop playing games. I need you to stand up to me.
Challenge me. I need you to stop worrying about getting
fired. Go pay for my cable. [Starts to leave.]

KUTNER: No!

HOUSE: I didn't mean on this. Seriously, I need cable.

[Cut to Sean drinking the urine. House and Foreman
watching in the Diagnostics office.]

HOUSE: Milk, milk, lemonade?

SEAN: This tastes kind of watery.

HOUSE: That's bad news.

FOREMAN: Either increased intracranial pressure or
something's wrong with her hypothalamus.

SEAN: How do you figure out which one it is?

HOUSE: We don't do anything. You're going to drill a hole in
her skull. If she regains consciousness, it's increased
intracranial pressure.

SEAN: And if it's the other thing?

HOUSE: She'll die. But if it's the hypothalamus, she's dead
anyway.

SEAN: If the problem is the pressure in her brain, and I fix it,
is she going to be all better?

HOUSE: Nope, but it'll give us more time to figure out
what's wrong.

SEAN: [Starts to panic.] I have to get someone else. I can't
do this.

HOUSE: You love her, right? You'd do anything to save her.

SEAN: Not this. I can't do this. If, if she dies because of
something that I did, then I...

HOUSE: Listen, listen. I am not going to let you hurt her.
Okay? Now please... This is her only chance.

SEAN: Okay. [Gets up and walks towards Cate.]

HOUSE: Well, that was easy.

[Cut to Sean putting gloves on. Cate's head is taped to the
table and there's a drill hovering above her head.]

SEAN: Okay, her head is stabilised and the drill bit is sterile.

FOREMAN: Place the drill bit against the upper left part of
her forehead. About an inch above the temple. [Sean turns
on the drill and slowly moves it down onto her head, it goes
through the skin and stops going down further.]

SEAN: It's not going anywhere.

FOREMAN: Bone's harder than wood, lean into it. The
skull's only a quarter-inch thick. Once you're midway
through, drill in shorter bursts. [Sean does as he's told.]

HOUSE: If it comes out the other side, you've gone too far.

SEAN: [The drill gets through the bone and Sean stops it.]
Okay, now what? Now what?

HOUSE: Let the fluid drain. [Blood starts to come out of the
hole in Cate's head. After a few seconds Cate starts to wake
up.]

SEAN: She's waking up. She's waking up.

CATE: Sean? What's going on?

[Cut to House with the newbies and Foreman in the hallway
outside the diagnostics office.]

HOUSE: South Pole doc is out of her coma, and now we
have a new symptom. Increased intracranial pressure.

KUTNER: Why are we out here?

HOUSE: That's the patient room. ICP plus Kidney problems
plus lung collapse equals?

TAUB: The most likely suspect is a tumour throwing off
clots.

FOREMAN: We ruled out cancer.

HOUSE: But not clots. What causes blood clots?

13: Bacterial endocarditis.

FOREMAN: Not without a fever.

TAUB: Deep vein thrombosis plus an existing PFO.

HOUSE: PFO would've been discovered in her pre-south
pole physical exam.

KUTNER: What if the clots aren't clots? Atherosclerosis.
Fatty plaque builds up on the arterial walls, pieces break
off, block blood flow. Explains everything.

HOUSE: She has zero risk factors. Forget fat, think clots.

KUTNER: No.

HOUSE: You're standing up to me?

KUTNER: Maybe.

HOUSE: Just to clarify. You should do that when you're
right. Sorry for the confusion. How could a clot...

KUTNER: Could be a different kind of fat, fat emboli.

HOUSE: That's a perfect fit... Except it's completely
impossible! Fat emboli requires an unrepaired bone break.
Between the x-ray and the exam, I've seen her entire...
[Epiphany.] See, that's what I'm talking about. [Kutner
bows.]

[Cut to House and Foreman back in the Diagnostics office.]

HOUSE: Take off her socks. [Sean moves to her feet.]

CATE: I could, I could do it.

SEAN: No, I got it. [Takes off her sock revealing quite a
badly broken big toe.]

HOUSE: Your toe is broken.

CATE: Oh, my god.

HOUSE: Bits of bone marrow have been leaking into your
blood stream. Those fat emboli have caused blockages in
your Kidney, lungs, and brain.

CATE: It doesn't even hurt.

HOUSE: Cold numbs everything. Does a particularly great
job on the extremities.

FOREMAN: You'll need to close the break to stop the
marrow from leaking.

HOUSE: This one you will feel.

CATE: [To Sean] Will you do it?

HOUSE: He drilled a hole in your skull after drinking your
pee. I think he's up for this.

FOREMAN: Grab the tip of her toe with your right hand.
Hold the break with your other. [Sean does as he's told.] On
the count of three, pull hard. One... Two... Three. [Sean
pulls, we hear a loud crack and Cate screams.]

HOUSE: Now splint your toe. You'll be fine.

CATE: Thank you, House.

HOUSE: Don't thank me. He's the one who saved your life.
[Cate looks at Sean. They smile the hug. During the hug
Cate looks back towards House and smiles. House turns off
the camera.] He likes her. [House leaves.]

[Cut to Wilson ordering wine in a restaurant.]

WILSON: [To waiter.] A bottle of the Bordeaux and some
sparkling water.

[Waiter walks off, House walks over and sits down opposite
Wilson.]

HOUSE: Well, you didn't pick her up. Which means she's
coming from work too. Which means you're comfortable
enough to meet her.

WILSON: Damn. Thought I lost you when I walked
backwards through my own footprints in the snow.

HOUSE: I think I've got it narrowed down to three
possibilities.

WILSON: Better leave, if you see her, it'll be cheating.

HOUSE: It's not one of your ex-wives.

WILSON: Because they hate me.

HOUSE: They don't. They should, but they don't. I called
them. Someone new, but someone I know.

WILSON: Did you ever consider being happy for me?

HOUSE: Briefly. You ordering the wine before she got
here...

WILSON: Girls are good, House. And you know it. You
solved your case because you cared about that girl.

HOUSE: You're demonstrating the illusion of manly
confidence. Which means you haven't closed the deal yet.

WILSON: I closed the deal. I just like her.

HOUSE: Still?

WILSON: You knew your patient hated having cold feet
because you did a physical exam, because you liked her.

HOUSE: Your theory is I cared, therefore I let her keep her
socks on? If that's what love is, then I don't want to have
anything to do with it.

WILSON: It starts with warm feet but leads to other things.
Your mum and I will explain when you're older.

HOUSE: If I'd made her take them off like I should've, I
would've seen the toe and would've solved the case days
ago.

WILSON: But you don't care about her.

[Amber walks up to the table.]

AMBER: Of course not. House doesn't care about anyone.

WILSON: [Gets up and kisses her.] Hi.

AMBER: Sorry I'm late.

HOUSE: [Shocked.] Cut throat bitch?

WILSON: I call her Amber. Was she on your list?



412 - Don't Ever Change
[Hotel Banquet Room. Night. An orthodox Hasidic Jewish
wedding is underway. The camera focuses on the smiling
bride, Roz Viner, who sits in front of her husband-to-be,
Yonatan Arnoff, who lowers her veil over her head. Other
wedding guests hang around, watching happily. Under the
chuppah, the Rabbi conducts the ceremony. Yonatan places
a lace cloth over her head, as they listen to the Rabbi.
Yonatan leans close to Roz and whispers to her.]

YONATAN ARNOFF: I don't know about you, but I'm
nervous.

[Roz sees the Rabbi bless her. Yonatan takes a sip of water,
followed by Roz. A photographer clicks some pictures. Roz
gently places the ring on Roz's right index finger. And then...
he stomps his foot down on a covered glass.]

JEWISH GUEST: [along with others] Mazel tov!

[A lady lifts Roz's veil. Roz grins in excitement. Pictures of
Roz, Yonatan and the Rabbi are clicked. The banquet hall is
filled with Hasidic Jews (with long well-groomed beards and
dressed in black). There is a large partition running across
the hall, with men on one side and women on the other.
The banquet tables are filled with kosher food. People sit at
tables and eat. Roz sits with other ladies. A beaming lady
comes up to Roz.]

JEWISH LADY: Mazel tov. Many children.

[An elderly lady (Mrs. Silver) sits next to Roz.]

MRS. SILVER: This is a great thing, Roz. Oh, I am so happy
for you.

ROZ VINER: Thank you, Mrs. Silver.

MRS. SILVER: Yonatan is a good man from a good family.

[Roz looks at Yonatan on the opposite side of the partition.]

ROZ VINER: I know you chose well for me. I been blessed.

[Mrs. Silver beams at her. A girl comes over and pulls Roz
up to join in the dance. Roz is led to the middle of a circle,
around which the other women dance. Yonatan does the
same on his side as well. Some kids try peeking into the
ladies' side. Yonatan is hoisted on a chair by the men, while
the ladies do the same to Roz. The chairs are bobbed up
and down, as Yonatan and Roz see each other over the
partition. Yonatan throws Roz one end of a scarf that he's
holding. Holding opposite ends and enjoying themselves a
great deal, Yonatan and Roz bob up and down. That's when
it happens...]

[In slow motion, Roz's smile disappears. Yonatan notices
the worried look on her face. She looks down and notices a
dark red spot forming on her wedding gown. Eyes wide in
horror, she looks at Yonatan and then falls to the floor,
unconscious. She falls violently, as the women crowd
around her. Yonatan orders the men to put him down.
Once he's down, he runs around the partition to where his
newly-wed wife lies unconscious. He crouches at her side,
clutching her arm and feeling her head. In absolute despair,
he looks around for help.]


[Princeton Plainsboro Teaching Hospital, Lobby. Day. Dr.
James Wilson makes his way towards the elevator. He
moves to press the button, when his finger is beaten to the
punch by a really bitchin' cane. The cane is held by a
bitchin' doctor (i.e., he bitches a lot), Dr. Gregory House.
Wilson looks up at his friend, not really in the mood for
House's expected tirade, especially given what transpired at
the end of the last episode.]

GREG HOUSE: Cross-species mating. I feel like Darwin in the
Galapagos.

JAMES WILSON: Amber and I have a lot in common.

GREG HOUSE: She's a Cutthroat Bitch. You cry over Dark
Victory.

JAMES WILSON: Bette Davis - another strong, assertive
woman.

GREG HOUSE: You don't like strong, you don't like assertive.
You like needy.

[The elevator door opens.]

GREG HOUSE: She's not dying, is she?

JAMES WILSON: [acting mournful] Yes. Go 'way.

[They both enter the elevator. Wilson hits the button.]

GREG HOUSE: I give it two months.

[The door closes.]

JAMES WILSON: Hundred bucks.

[House looks at him and cocks his head, as if intrigued.]

GREG HOUSE: Not really fair. You're not objective. [shrugs]
But I'm all about the teaching...

JAMES WILSON: [interrupts] We're at four months.

GREG HOUSE: [genuinely surprised, sounding hurt] You hid
this from me?

JAMES WILSON: I was wrong, okay? I thought you'd be
upset. I thought you'd track me down in the hallways...

[The elevator door opens and they step out into the first
floor hallway, near Wilson's office.]

GREG HOUSE: You shouldn't have discounted the sex. She's
obviously limber enough to put off the meltdown for two
months.

JAMES WILSON: She's not needy. I don't need needy.

GREG HOUSE: She's scary. Why does Scary need Pathetic?

JAMES WILSON: Are you gonna talk to her?

GREG HOUSE: [acts helpless] I don't see that I have any
choice.

[Wilson, seeing no way to win this argument, turns and
heads to his office.]

GREG HOUSE: You all right with that?

[Wilson just keeps walking.]

GREG HOUSE: No impulse to save her from me?

[Wilson stops at his door and turns to House.]

JAMES WILSON: I've broken the pattern, House. Which is
why this has a chance. I know you're too suspicious to
accept that without getting out your ruler and your callipers
and your scanning equipment. So, go ahead. Get it out of
your system.

[He unlocks his office and enters. House stands there a
beat, then starts for his office.]

[PPTH Diagnostics Office. Day. House limps inside. Dr...
"Thirteen" holds out a folder for him, which he takes
disinterestedly. As she talks, he looks around the room,
seeing Dr. Eric Foreman and Dr. Chris Taub sitting at the
glass table. Dr. Lawrence Kutner stands at the small pantry.]

"THIRTEEN": Thirty-eight-year-old female with loss of
bladder control, blood in her urine and a broken leg from
collapsing at her wedding.

GREG HOUSE: Ampicillin for the UTI. [hands the folder back
to "Thirteen"] Shiny cast for the leg. [to all] You guys know
Wilson's dating Amber?

[Foreman and Taub look up immediately in surprise.
Kutner, at the pantry, doesn't budge.]

ERIC FOREMAN: No.

CHRIS TAUB: Wilson and Amber?

LAWRENCE KUTNER: I knew.

[House looks at Kutner, quizzically. Stirring his coffee,
Kutner walks to the glass table.]

LAWRENCE KUTNER: I asked her out. Said she just started
seeing someone.

"THIRTEEN": [holding out the folder again] Cultures were
negative for UTIs. No signs of previous trauma or STDs.

[House ignores the folder.]

GREG HOUSE: Kidney cancer.

"THIRTEEN": CT was clean for tumors and kidney stones.

GREG HOUSE: [to Kutner] I thought Amber scared you guys.

LAWRENCE KUTNER: She does. But she also has legs that go
all the way up to Canada.

[Taub shakes his head, trying to banish that picture from his
mind.]

GREG HOUSE: So do Canadians. Doesn't mean I wanna date
one.

"THIRTEEN": [Cameron-like persistence] Her sodium's low.
Could be endometriosis in the bladder.

CHRIS TAUB: Low sodium could also be from low food.
Hasidic Jews fast on their wedding day.

GREG HOUSE: Or... sodium was absorbed by a toxin already
in her system. [to Kutner] Was it just the legs? Or did you
detect something resembling a soul?

LAWRENCE KUTNER: [amused] She grew on me. If there's a
toxin in her, could be carbolic acid. [clarifying] I'm talking
about the patient now.

ERIC FOREMAN: That much carbolic acid, someone
would've had to poison her.

GREG HOUSE: Coulda been a Cossack. If this was
eighteenth-century Poland and Cossacks were into
household cleansers. Which is why it's more likely that the
poisoner was "poisonee".

CHRIS TAUB: Suicide's a sin.

GREG HOUSE: Corollary of "people lie" is "people sin". In my
world, "people" includes Jews.

"THIRTEEN": She was getting married.

GREG HOUSE: Hasidic women marry young so they can start
pushing out little Hasidilings. Thirty-eight means a woman
not on anyone's hot-list. Being pushed onto a guy who's not
on anyone's hot-list. No way out, no way out...

"THIRTEEN": [interrupts] Endometriosis fits better than an
epiphany that her life is meaningless. We should start her
on AIs and do a cystoscopy to confirm.

[House thinks a second and jerks a nod.]

GREG HOUSE: Fine.

[He starts to walk out.]

GREG HOUSE: Check her innards for bad cells and her home
for bad karma. Carbolic acid should be on her shelf, right
next to the regret and the self-loathing.

[Collecting his coat, he leaves.]


[Roz and Yonatan's apartment. Day. The apartment is still a
mess, with stuff still packed in preparation for the newly-
weds to move in. Taub and Foreman check the place (for a
little more than bad karma, hopefully). Taub drops a
bucket, filled with household cleaners, on the table.]

CHRIS TAUB: [testily] These people are crazy.

ERIC FOREMAN: Yeah, she should be self-hating.

CHRIS TAUB: I'm not self-hating. I hate religious people who
are out of touch with reality. You only marry someone you
met three times, if they're carrying a little mistake.

ERIC FOREMAN: [rhetorically] What's their divorce rate?

CHRIS TAUB: [looking through the bucket] Cleaners are all
organic, nothing with carbolic acid. You like how they hook
up?

ERIC FOREMAN: Romance is just emotional foreplay,
y'know. Candlelight meals, flowers - it's as much a ritual as
anything these people do. Why not go with someone who's
pre-vetted, shares the same values? Cut to the quick.

CHRIS TAUB: Values may give you the big picture, but time
together gives you the little picture. Does she chew her
food too loud? Will she leave you alone during the Final
Four?

ERIC FOREMAN: You commit to something deeper, you let
the little surprises slide.

CHRIS TAUB: Surprises kill. Which is why I only commit
when there are no more surprises.

ERIC FOREMAN: And you have no more surprises for your
wife.

[Taub holds up some rather sexy lingerie.]

CHRIS TAUB: Do you think this came up on date number
two?

[Foreman is more interested in a large platinum album and
some CDs.]

ERIC FOREMAN: You ever heard of a Hasidic Jew into hard
rock? She's listed as a producer on all of these.

[Taub comes over to take a look.]

CHRIS TAUB: Where there's rock and roll, [holding up the
lingerie] and sex... usually, there's drugs.

[He pulls out his cell phone and speed dials.]


[Aerial View of a snow-covered PPTH. Day.]

[Roz's Room. Day. "Thirteen" and Kutner gently question
Roz about her past.]

ROZ VINER: I'm Baalat tshuva. I became Hasidic about six
months ago.

"THIRTEEN": And before six months ago? Music business
isn't exactly known for its holiness.

ROZ VINER: [reluctantly] Heroin. But I've been clean for
months.

["Thirteen" smiles. She looks outside at Yonatan, pacing
anxiously. Roz turns her head to look at him.]

ROZ VINER: Yonatan knows. The broad strokes. He never
actually asks the details. Says what's important is the
person that I am now, Not the person I was then.

LAWRENCE KUTNER: How do you go all the way from...?

ROZ VINER: [obviously tired of this question] Just took a
class. Then I took another class.

LAWRENCE KUTNER: And you just completely left the music
business?

ROZ VINER: Pop music is considered frivolous. Same reason
we don't watch TV or go to movies.

"THIRTEEN": Your drug use may have caused some long
term damage. We're gonna need to take a hair sample to
test for latent toxins.

LAWRENCE KUTNER: [almost feeling sorry for her,
because...] So you can never watch Star Wars again.

["Thirteen" closes her eyes wearily. Roz frowns at the
question. Kutner doesn't think it's a dumb question.]


[Amber's Apartment. Day. Amber Volakis enters her
apartment, carrying her mail. Locking the door, she places
the mail on the table. She goes to hang up her coat and
looks in the mirror directly in front of her. Her eyes go wide
and she whirls around to look at the head, that juts above a
chair across the room.]

GREG HOUSE: You figured that I'll hire you...

[He swivels the chair around to face her. He reading one of
her books.]

GREG HOUSE: ... if you promised to dump Wilson.

AMBER VOLAKIS: How did you...?

GREG HOUSE: Wilson had a key.

['Nuff said for Amber. She starts to take off her coat.]

GREG HOUSE: You figure that I'll make your life hell at first,
but I'll eventually see how good you are and keep you.

[She removes the coat. She's wearing a grey sweatshirt,
with "McGILL" (in red) emblazoned on it.]

AMBER VOLAKIS: [dryly] It's a good plan, don't you think?
Perfectly tailored to your personality.

[House remembers seeing it before during a certain card
game (see "Season 2, Episode 19 - House Vs. God"). He
thinks a beat about her reply.]

GREG HOUSE: No, it's not. You know it's not. Means you
just wanna stay in my orbit 'cause you figure I'll eventually
realize that I made a mistake and you're gonna be able to
rub my face in it.

AMBER VOLAKIS: [humoring him] I can't wait. It's gonna be
awesome.

[Again, he thinks.]

GREG HOUSE: No, it's not. And you know it's not. 'Cause
you know that even if I made a mistake, I'd never admit
that I made a mistake. Which means that you're just toying
with Wilson to toy with me.

[He stands up.]

GREG HOUSE: [drops the book on the nearby table] Your
goal is pure feral vengeance.

[She walks up to him.]

AMBER VOLAKIS: Innocent bystander, but there's a greater
good.

GREG HOUSE: No, that's not it. Because a bag of flaming
poop bypasses the bystander.

AMBER VOLAKIS: So... which is it, House? Am I in this for
you? Or am I in this for him?

[A silent awkward beat passes. House looks down at the
sweatshirt.]

GREG HOUSE: Give him back his sweatshirt. 'Pit stains don't
become you.

[He limps past her and leaves. She smirks.]


[PPTH Hallway/House's Office. Day. The elevator door
opens. Kutner and Taub stand outside expectantly, as
House walks into the hallway.]

LAWRENCE KUTNER: Treatment had no effect. Rules out
endometriosis. And her hair sample was negative for
residue drugs.

CHRIS TAUB: This woman lived in the fast lane till six
months ago. Maybe we're missing something.

LAWRENCE KUTNER: She admitted drug use. Doubt she's
holding out on her days as an asbestos miner.

CHRIS TAUB: Cryoglobulinemia might account for the
symptoms.

[They enter House's office.]

GREG HOUSE: Except for the one you missed.

CHRIS TAUB: There's no change in her condition.

GREG HOUSE: I'm not talking about a new symptom. I'm
talking about one that presented six months ago.

[He goes behind his desk.]

CHRIS TAUB: Look, she's nuts, but we can't just give her ten
ccs of atheism and send her home.

GREG HOUSE: Religion is a symptom of irrational belief and
groundless hope. Altered mental status, on the other hand,
is a symptom of porphyria.

LAWRENCE KUTNER: She didn't develop uncontrollable
anger, crying, anxiety. She just decided to go to temple.

GREG HOUSE: The woman didn't _just_ choose to keep
kosher. [sits] She went directly to the extremes of Hasidism,
a life of stringent rules. She became a masochist.

LAWRENCE KUTNER: She didn't like her old life, so she
changed it.

GREG HOUSE: People don't change. They might wanna.
They need to.

LAWRENCE KUTNER: [pointing at Taub] Taub gave up a six
figure plastic surgery career for this job. That mean he has
porphyria?

GREG HOUSE: He switched jobs to save his marriage. He did
it to avoid change.

CHRIS TAUB: [hesitates a beat] He's right. You don't
suddenly choose crazy without suddenly being crazy.

LAWRENCE KUTNER: No, no, if she walked away from
everything to go base jumping or live with apes, we
wouldn't be having this discussion.

GREG HOUSE: We would if she was also tinkling blood out
of her overexcited bladder. Pump Hadassa full of hematin
and give her a phlebotomy.

[The two Fellows leave. House sits pensively.]

[Roz's Room. Day. Kutner tells Roz about the procedure,
while Yonatan stands nearby.]

ROZ VINER: Bloodletting?

LAWRENCE KUTNER: Porphyria is a rare genetic disorder
that causes an overproduction of a certain protein. Draining
the blood relieves...

YONATAN ARNOFF: The hair test for damage from drugs
showed she has a rare genetic disease?

LAWRENCE KUTNER: Not-not exactly. We're testing her
now to confirm.

YONATAN ARNOFF: You're treating it before you confirm it?

[He gently places his hand on Roz's head.]

LAWRENCE KUTNER: Blood test results take twenty-four
hours.

YONATAN ARNOFF: You must have seen something that
makes you suspect it.

[Kutner has a "deer-in-the-headlights" look on his face.]

LAWRENCE KUTNER: Uhh, Dr. House has a theory.

ROZ VINER: A theory based on what?

[Kutner hesitates.]


[Lisa Cuddy's Office. Day. Yonatan complains to Lisa Cuddy,
Dean on Medicine, while House hangs around.]

YONATAN ARNOFF: We'd like a different doctor.

LISA CUDDY: I assure you that Dr. House is our best...

YONATAN ARNOFF: Then we will settle for second-best,
someone who doesn't think my wife is sick just because
she's religious.

GREG HOUSE: If you prefer, I can give your wife my second-
best diagnosis.

[Cuddy turns around to look at House, who stands behind
her desk. Yonatan has no interest in House's diagnosis.]

GREG HOUSE: D'you know Wilson's dating Amber?

LISA CUDDY: I have reviewed the chart. Someone on your
team must have pointed out that cryoglobulinemia also fits
the symptoms.

GREG HOUSE: Yes, it fits _many_ of the symptoms.

YONATAN ARNOFF: My wife's body is sick. Her mind and
soul are fine.

GREG HOUSE: You live according to God's six hundred
commitments, right?

YONATAN ARNOFF: [folding his arms] Six hundred thirteen.

GREG HOUSE: You understand them all?

YONATAN ARNOFF: Takes a lifetime of learning...

GREG HOUSE: But you follow the ones you don't
understand because the ones you do understand make
sense, and you believe the guy who created them knows
what he's doing.

YONATAN ARNOFF: Of course.

GREG HOUSE: So you will trust my diagnosis and you'll let
me treat her, because in this temple, [scarily] I am Dr.
Yahweh.

[Yonatan has a look of disbelief on his face.]

YONATAN ARNOFF: [wagging his finger at Cuddy] I want a
new doctor.

[He walks out.]

LISA CUDDY: Starting her on Indomethacin for
cryoglobulinemia.

GREG HOUSE: People don't change. For example, I'm gonna
keep repeating "people don't change".

LISA CUDDY: So alcoholics that successfully go through
treatment don't exist.

GREG HOUSE: They're still alcoholics. If they never take a
drink as long as they live, it's only 'cause they didn't live
long enough.

LISA CUDDY: If you're dissatisfied with your life, changing it
is a symptom of mental health.

[She puts her hand on his shoulder.]

LISA CUDDY: I get why that concept is strange to you...

[His beeper goes off. He looks at it.]


[Roz's Room. Day. A nurse hurriedly pushes a crash cart
inside, while another helps her. "Thirteen" holds Roz
upright in bed, as Roz wheezes heavily. Cuddy enters the
room, followed by House. Yonatan, seeing the commotion,
walks inside.]

"THIRTEEN": O2 sats are 85. She's hypoxic. We might need
to intubate.

[Roz coughs violently. Cuddy rushes around the bed and
takes the stethoscope from "Thirteen".]

YONATAN ARNOFF: [worried] What's wrong with her?

LISA CUDDY: It's definitely not cryoglobulinemia.

GREG HOUSE: [pointing upwards] Better ask Him.

[Roz's Room. Day. Roz lies awake in bed, an oxygen mask
strapped to her face. Yonatan sits nearby.]

LAWRENCE KUTNER: [vo] We kept her on oxygen overnight.


[Diagnostics Office. Day. House stands in front of the
whiteboard, which has "BLOODY URINE, BLADDER
CONTROL, ALTERED MENTAL STATUS, DYSPNEA" written on
it. The Fellows and Foreman sit at the glass table.]

LAWRENCE KUTNER: Her respiratory rate stabilized, and her
O-sat's back up to 95. Saw Amber drop off Wilson this
morning.

GREG HOUSE: [hisses] Yes. The male always drives the
female. So what caused the breathing problem?

"THIRTEEN": Pulmonary involvement rules out porphyria.

CHRIS TAUB: She kiss him or he kiss her?

LAWRENCE KUTNER: I missed it. The lab tech with the
tongue stud also pulled up.

ERIC FOREMAN: Wegener's would explain her elevated sed
rate.

GREG HOUSE: Wegener's wouldn't explain the changed
mental status.

"THIRTEEN": Actually, we've been trying to ignore that part
of the whiteboard.

GREG HOUSE: Well, I wrote it in black. I'm always serious
when I use black. Lupus would explain...

"THIRTEEN": [interrupts] Maybe she didn't change.

GREG HOUSE: Are you agreeing with me or you making a
point?

"THIRTEEN": I'm making a point.

GREG HOUSE: That's gonna take longer.

"THIRTEEN": How do we know that the real Roz isn't who
she is now and who she was then? Can't we say that her
previous life was true without making her present one a
fraud?

GREG HOUSE: "Life is messy" argument. Nice. Explains
everything without explaining anything. If it's lupus, there's
a heart problem we don't know about yet. Run her through
a stress test. If she has a heart attack,
I'm right.

CHRIS TAUB: Or we could wait. Hope that...

GREG HOUSE: You're afraid to give her a heart attack.

CHRIS TAUB: Of course we're afraid to...

GREG HOUSE: No reason to be afraid. Unless you think I'm
right.

CHRIS TAUB: [no other choice] It's Wegener's.

[Foreman frowns.]

CHRIS TAUB: But we'll have the crash cart just in case.

[He raises his eyebrows at House, waiting for his approval.
House gives a small nod.]


[Aerial view of a snow-covered Princeton. Day.]


[Fusion Restaurant. Day.]

GREG HOUSE: [feigning pleasant surprise] Oh, my God!
What are you guys doing here?

[The camera pans around to where he's looking and focuses
on Wilson and Amber, who aren't feigning their annoyed
surprise. They're standing at a table near the door, waiting
to be seated. House approaches them, further enhancing
their annoyance.]

GREG HOUSE: I had a sudden yen for Fusion.

JAMES WILSON: [to Amber, apologetically] I put a different
restaurant in my date book. I'm firing my assistant.

AMBER VOLAKIS: That's okay. [to House] Hi, Greg. And I call
you Greg because we're now social equals.

GREG HOUSE: I call you Cutthroat Bitch... well, Quod Erat
Demonstrandum. And I speak in Latin because I don't try to
hide what an ass I am.

AMBER VOLAKIS: I assume you'd like to join us? It'll be
easier to observe our interaction if you're at the same
table.

JAMES WILSON: If we ever get seated.

AMBER VOLAKIS: Excuse me.

[She walks away.]

JAMES WILSON: No, no, I, uh...

[But she's already gone. House gives Wilson a sly smile.
Amber walks over to the Maitre D'.]

AMBER VOLAKIS: We've been waiting for...

GREG HOUSE: Any minute now, she's gonna hit him in the
face with your testicles.

[House picks up Amber's drink.]

JAMES WILSON: She tends to treat ev... [notices House
sipping Amber's drink] She tends to treat every event like
it's the last copter out of Saigon.

[Amber seems to be making headway with the Maitre D'.
She forces some menus into his hand, so he can hand it to
them when he seats them.]

GREG HOUSE: She's the anti-Wilson. She's a force for evil.

JAMES WILSON: She has an annoying quality. Perhaps even
two. If I was perfect, I would date perfect.

[Successful in her mission, Amber waves to Wilson and
beckons him to come. She and the Maitre D' walk to the
table. House notices Wilson smiling at her.]

GREG HOUSE: You like that!

[Collecting Amber's drink, he follows Wilson (who holds his
drink) towards the table.]

JAMES WILSON: It's annoying, but she's good at it.

GREG HOUSE: Wait a second.

[They stop walking.]

GREG HOUSE: This isn't just about the sex. You like her
personality. You like that she's conniving. You like that she
has no regard for consequences. You like that she can
humiliate someone if it serves...

[House stops suddenly, overcome with an horrible sense of
dja vu. Wilson, noticing House's sudden silence, looks at
him.]

GREG HOUSE: [wide-eyed] Oh, my God. You're sleeping
with me.

[Wilson looks away in equal surprise. House feels awkward.
Handing Amber's drink to Wilson, he beats a hasty retreat.
Wilson walks to the table.]

[PPTH Stress Test Room. Day. Roz undergoes the arm stress
test (her leg is broken). Taub sits in the adjoining room,
while Yonatan watches.]

CHRIS TAUB: [into microphone] I need you to go faster, Roz.

[Roz continues to pedal with her arms.]

CHRIS TAUB: Little harder.

ROZ VINER: [testily] I am going harder, dammit.

[Yonatan reacts at the curse uttered by his wife.]

YONATAN ARNOFF: [to Taub] What if Dr. House was right?
And Roz did make a radical change?

CHRIS TAUB: Lupus is chronic but treatable.

YONATAN ARNOFF: And with the treatment, it'd undo the
change? She'll be the way she was before I knew her?

CHRIS TAUB: I don't think it's likely.

YONATAN ARNOFF: Then you don't know for sure.

[Yonatan stands, silently watching his wife pedal away.]

CHRIS TAUB: You'd find someone else.

YONATAN ARNOFF: There isn't someone else.

CHRIS TAUB: You've had three dates.

YONATAN ARNOFF: How long have you been married?

CHRIS TAUB: Twelve years.

YONATAN ARNOFF: And is she the one?

CHRIS TAUB: We wouldn't still be together if she weren't. I
love her as much now as the day...

YONATAN ARNOFF: Well, you should love her more. The
more you know someone, the more you should love them.

[Taub looks at Yonatan, contemplatively. Roz's vitals seem
stable.]

CHRIS TAUB: [standing] Okay, that's enough, Roz.

[He enters into the stress test room. A tired Roz stops
pedaling. Taub walks up to her, followed by Yonatan.]

CHRIS TAUB: Your heart's as strong as a battleship.

YONATAN ARNOFF: Does this mean Dr. House was wrong?

[Roz starts to get up, but her unbroken leg buckles and she
falls to the floor, groaning in pain.]

ROZ VINER: Oh! Oh, my leg!

[Taub puts his fingers to her ankle. She continues to groan
as she lies on the floor.]

[PPTH Lobby. Day. House limps inside the lobby from
outside. Foreman joins him.]

ERIC FOREMAN: Heart's strong enough to prove you wrong
about the change in mental status.

GREG HOUSE: Only proves this isn't lupus. Just as the leg
pain proves it isn't Wegener's.

ERIC FOREMAN: Leg pain can be from nerve entrapment.
We're thinking blood clot.

[House stops walking.]

GREG HOUSE: Do an MRI to look for the clot. Then do an
fMRI.

ERIC FOREMAN: An MRI alone will detect...

GREG HOUSE: If the clot hasn't dissolved. An fMRI can show
signs of near-ischemic stroke in post-ischemic parts of the
brain.

[House looks at the snack-vending machine near the wall.]

GREG HOUSE: Gimme ten bucks.

ERIC FOREMAN: No.

GREG HOUSE: I missed lunch.

ERIC FOREMAN: I thought you went...

GREG HOUSE: [annoyed] I missed lunch!

[Foreman slaps ten bucks into House's outstretched palm.
House limps over to the machine.]

[MRI Room. Day. Roz is inside the MRI. Foreman and
"Thirteen" sit in the adjoining room.]

"THIRTEEN": Good symmetrical activity in both
hemispheres.

ERIC FOREMAN: Caudal structures look okay. She hasn't
changed? Sex, drugs, rock and roll, the six hundred rules of
God are all in there somewhere.

"THIRTEEN": We oversimplify people. It's how the human
mind works. Everything's on or off. Everything's got a...
category.

ERIC FOREMAN: You don't like it. You don't wanna be...
oversimplified. [into microphone] Roz, move your right leg.

"THIRTEEN": No one can describe themselves in ten words.
Why would we wanna hear anyone else do it?

ERIC FOREMAN: So you keep it a mystery. No categories if
no one knows anything.

"THIRTEEN": Do you think maybe you're oversimplifying me
now?

ERIC FOREMAN: No. I'm sure you have many reasons to
keep yourself a mystery, besides the fact that you're
bisexual.

["Thirteen" turns to look at him, wide-eyed, a half-smile on
her lips.]

ERIC FOREMAN: Uh, denial would have worked before the
long, vacant stare. [into microphone] Roz, move your left
leg just an inch.

["Thirteen" looks surprised at his obviously correct
assessment.]

ERIC FOREMAN: People who have a problem with boxes are
people who don't fit in them.

"THIRTEEN": [chuckling] You've been working for House for
a long time.

ERIC FOREMAN: [smiling] No need for name calling.

"THIRTEEN": I would ask if this was gonna be lunchtime
gossip, but lucky for me...

ERIC FOREMAN: I don't give a damn.

[The door opens and House enters.]

GREG HOUSE: How's our Mental Yentl?

"THIRTEEN": MRI shows no sign of clots. fMRI shows no
problem areas.

GREG HOUSE: Go restart her IV.

ERIC FOREMAN: What's wrong with it?

GREG HOUSE: Nothing. But like so many procedures we put
patients through, it hurts. Which, if she's enjoying it, will
show up in pretty colors.

"THIRTEEN": [mildly outraged] This is why you wanted an
fMRI?

GREG HOUSE: It showed she didn't have a blood clot, which
is diagnostically relevant. And it can show that she's
become a masochist, also diagnostically relevant. And it'll
be cool.

[Foreman throws him a look.]

GREG HOUSE: Either explain which part of my analysis
didn't make sense. Or go do it.

[Foreman testily removes his ID cards (with magnetic strips)
and gets up.]

ERIC FOREMAN: It isn't cool.

[He walks into the MRI room, while House sits in his place,
next to "Thirteen". Foreman goes over to Roz. He looks into
the MRI as Roz.]

ERIC FOREMAN: Sorry.

[He puts his hand over her IV patch. She reacts in pain, but
doesn't move much. Her lips are moving, while her eyes are
shut. House looks at the monitor, which has a 3-
dimensional model of her brain, with different regions
highlighted at different intervals.]

GREG HOUSE: Heavens. Look at her limbic system. Pleasure
centers are lighting up like a Hanukkah Bush. Foreman must
have a touch like an elephant.

"THIRTEEN": [into microphone] Okay, Roz. We've got what
we need.

[She gets up and walks into the MRI room. House remains
seated.]

GREG HOUSE: Yes, it _was_ impressive. [tight smile]

[Foreman and "Thirteen" stand on opposite sides of Roz,
who still lies on the MRI table, her eyes closed and lips
moving rapidly.]

"THIRTEEN": Roz. You all right?

[Roz opens her eyes and looks at "Thirteen".]

ROZ VINER: Oh, sorry. I was praying.

"THIRTEEN": All through the procedure?

ROZ VINER: No. When Dr. Foreman apologized, I knew
something bad was gonna happen.

"THIRTEEN": [triumphantly, to House] She was praying.
Could explain the brain activity.

["Thirteen" walks into the adjoining room. Roz starts to get
up. Just as she sits up and drops her legs off the table, the
monitors start beeping wildly. She goes limp. Foreman
grabs her, preventing from falling to the floor.]

ERIC FOREMAN: BP heart rate are dropping. She's crashing!

["Thirteen" rushes to help. They manage to put Roz on her
wheelchair. Just as suddenly as they started beeping, the
monitors go silent. The BP, heart rate and SpO2 all climb
back to normal. Foreman looks at the monitors in surprise.]

ERIC FOREMAN: She's stabilizing.

[House goes over to them. Meanwhile, Roz manages to
regain consciousness. House looks at Roz and the
monitors.]

GREG HOUSE: Get her up.

[Though reluctant, "Thirteen" and Foreman start to help
Roz up off the wheelchair.]

GREG HOUSE: All the way up. On her feet.

[No sooner do they manage to get her on her feet, than the
monitors go wild again and Roz loses consciousness.
Foreman and "Thirteen" help her back into the wheelchair.
Again, the monitors stabilize. House watches in interest.]

GREG HOUSE: Make her do that again.


[Diagnostics Office/Hallway outside. Day. Pushing back the
blinds, House peers outside the glass walls, into the
hallway. While Kutner stands near the whiteboard,
Foreman, "Thirteen" and Taub sit at the glass table.]

ERIC FOREMAN: We started her on fludrocortisone and
ephedrine.

LAWRENCE KUTNER: It's Planet of the Apes. Apes are the
humans, humans are the apes. It's Wacky Wednesday,
Opposite Day.

[The others wonder what he's talking about.]

LAWRENCE KUTNER: When you stand up, your BP and heart
rate are supposed to go up, not...

GREG HOUSE: Got it.

[Moving away from the glass wall, he faces his team.]

GREG HOUSE: So what causes bloody urine, loss of bladder
control, leg pain, altered mental status, and [backwards]
pressure-blood in direction-wrong?

ERIC FOREMAN: Pheochromocytoma.

GREG HOUSE: Low catecholamines in the urine means no
pheochromocytoma in the Jewess.

"THIRTEEN": Could be systemic sclerosis.

GREG HOUSE: [reminding] Mental status!

CHRIS TAUB: She was praying.

GREG HOUSE: She was in pain. You no longer think she's
crazy?

CHRIS TAUB: I can... see why she'd be attracted... to that
life.

GREG HOUSE: [shrugs defeatedly] You drank the
Manishewitz-flavored Kool-Aid.

CHRIS TAUB: I'm not saying I agree. I'm just saying...

GREG HOUSE: That there's a rational basis for the irrational.

CHRIS TAUB: They have something we don't have.

GREG HOUSE: Imaginary friends.

LAWRENCE KUTNER: If the toaster's not working, wiring
could be bad.

GREG HOUSE: Which debate is that metaphor supposed to
help us with?

LAWRENCE KUTNER: Electrical problem in the heart.
Arrhythmia messes with the blood flow when she stands,
causes low BP and heart rate. Could also impact mental
status. Everybody's happy.

[House hears the elevator ding. Quickly, he parts the blinds
and sees Wilson coming out of the elevator. A hospital
trustee holds a clipboard out for him to sign.]

GREG HOUSE: Run an EP study of her heart. Find where the
wiring's verklempt.

[He goes outside. Wilson signs the clipboard and hands it
back to the trustee, while House limps over. Wilson is not in
the mood for House's grouses and rolls his head.]

GREG HOUSE: Went by your hotel this morning. They told
me you moved out. Moved in with CB?

JAMES WILSON: No, apparently, I moved in with you.

GREG HOUSE: The very fact that you're resisting my insight
proves to me...

JAMES WILSON: [interrupts] House, you're right. Why not?
Why not date you? I-i-it's brilliant.

[House looks around, hoping no one's listening.]

JAMES WILSON: We've known each other for years, We've
put up with all kinds of crap from each other, and we keep
coming back. We're a couple!

GREG HOUSE: Are we still speaking metaphorically?

JAMES WILSON: Amber is exactly what I need and you
would agree if you weren't mired in self-loathing topped
with a thin crust of megalomania.

GREG HOUSE: Hey. That's my best friend's girl you're talking
about.

[Pointing at House, Wilson walks away, smiling.]

GREG HOUSE: I was wrong.

JAMES WILSON: House, you're right.

GREG HOUSE: She's not me. Well, she is me. But that's...
not why she's attractive. She's a needy version of me.

JAMES WILSON: [dryly] Hard to imagine such a mythical
creature.

GREG HOUSE: You started seeing her right after I fired her.

JAMES WILSON: [correcting] I started seeing her four
months ago.

GREG HOUSE: [shakes his head] She told Kutner it was four
weeks.

[Wilson exhales sharply and drops his head.]

GREG HOUSE: You lied to me. There was money on the line.

JAMES WILSON: [defensively] Because I knew how you'd
react, and I knew you wouldn't pay me anyway!

GREG HOUSE: You knew that I was right.

JAMES WILSON: She wasn't needy. She was in a... bad
situation. There's a difference.

[He walks off-screen towards his office.]

GREG HOUSE: Not to your libido.

[A short beat later, Wilson walks back on-screen.]

JAMES WILSON: Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Why are you
doing this? Every time I agree with you, you find a new
argument. What are you trying to avoid?

[House glowers at him.]

JAMES WILSON: Well, if you'd looked at me with those
flashing eyes before I was involved... pfch! [heading
towards his office] C'est la vie. And... I use the French
because... you're an ass.

[He enters his office. House's lip curls upwards.]

[PPTH Procedure Room. Day. Kutner runs an EP study of
Roz's heart, while Taub looks on.]

LAWRENCE KUTNER: Right atrium normal, no arrhythmia.
You can become a Dar master. Does that require further
explanation?

CHRIS TAUB: [ignores the jibe] Right ventricle normal.

LAWRENCE KUTNER: In college, I was really into science
fiction. Not like the guys with the six-hundred-dollar
prosthetic ears who could swear in Romulan. That was
embarrassing to the rest of us who just thought it was
good, smart literature. Went to one convention. By senior
year, I was Dar master in the Klingon Empire.

CHRIS TAUB: I'm not gonna become Hasidic. I'm not even
gonna become slightly more reformed. [sighs] Coronary
sinus normal.

LAWRENCE KUTNER: You can't have your eyes opened to
something and not act on it.

CHRIS TAUB: I haven't had my eyes opened. I just... don't
think they're crazy anymore.

LAWRENCE KUTNER: Then they have something to offer.

CHRIS TAUB: She's living proof that sane people can make
radical changes. But House, he thinks that he can bully...

[Suddenly, Roz speaks, lying on the bed.]

ROZ VINER: [Hebrew] No loshon hora.

CHRIS TAUB: I'm sorry?

LAWRENCE KUTNER: [to Taub] I think she's telling you to
stop deflecting.

ROZ VINER: [drowsily] No loshon hora. Evil tongue. Gossip.

LAWRENCE KUTNER: 'S okay. Thanks to the sedative, you
won't remember it.

ROZ VINER: Words are permanent. Someday you'll say
something that you'll wish you could take back.

CHRIS TAUB: [looks at the monitor] Hisbundle's normal.
Pathways are all clean. No arrhythmias.

LAWRENCE KUTNER: If the toaster doesn't work and the
wiring in the house is fine, problem's gotta be in the city's
power grid.

CHRIS TAUB: Autonomic nerve disorder could be Riley-Day
syndrome.

LAWRENCE KUTNER: [to Roz] Congratulations on your
wedding. [whispering] You have a rare and incurable
degenerative disease.

[Her eyes remain closed. She doesn't react.]

CHRIS TAUB: I'll set up for a thermoregulatory sweat test.

ROZ VINER: [incoherently, softly] Bisexual.

LAWRENCE KUTNER: [suddenly interested] What?

ROZ VINER: I could hear them talking from inside the MRI.

LAWRENCE KUTNER: Hear who? [to Taub] I heard the word
sex.

ROZ VINER: It was interesting.

LAWRENCE KUTNER: What was interesting?

CHRIS TAUB: Doesn't matter.

LAWRENCE KUTNER: We're doctors. We never know what's
gonna matter. [hisses] She said sex.

CHRIS TAUB: If she wants to tell you when she wakes up...

LAWRENCE KUTNER: [smiling] Yeah, these people aren't
gonna change you at all.

[Taub remains silent.]

[Cuddy's Office. Day. Cuddy has her back to the door,
collecting some stuff from her table. House barges in.]

GREG HOUSE: I need you to sleep with Wilson.

[Cuddy frowns a little, not really surprised or offended by
the request, considering who it's coming from.]

LISA CUDDY: [deadpan] Good morning.

GREG HOUSE: He's involved with... an inappropriate
woman.

LISA CUDDY: His people are sheep-herders and Amber's
are... cattlemen?

GREG HOUSE: He's combining two of his worst qualities -
his love for me and his love for need.

[Having collected all the files she needs, she turns to
House.]

GREG HOUSE: As administrator of this hospital, you have to
save your star oncologist.

LISA CUDDY: Wish I could help, but as administrator, there
are some people in Accounting I'm scheduled to sleep with
first.

[Flashing a helpless smile at him, she walks out. He rolls his
eyes and follows.]

GREG HOUSE: Wilson has a pattern with women. He saves
them, then he betrays them. Which then causes guilt.
Which then causes him to go save somebody else. For
example, a hospital
bureaucrat nearing forty who has no personal life. I suggest
you go braless.

LISA CUDDY: I get that "sleep with" is your way of saying I
should talk to him?

[They reach the elevators. She hits the button.]

GREG HOUSE: No. I really mean "sleep with".

LISA CUDDY: [smiling] You're not worried this relationship
will fail. You're worried it'll succeed. That Wilson will no
longer be at your beck and call 24/7. That your best friend
will change.

GREG HOUSE: [argues] People don't change just because
they wish they could.

LISA CUDDY: [really enjoying this] And it bugs you that he
wishes he could! [comforting] You'll never lose your friend,
House. You're the long-distance runner of neediness.

[The elevator opens. Looking smug, she enters.]


[PPTH, Suana Room. Day. Undergoing a thermoregulatory
sweat test, Roz sits upright in the glass chamber, not
dressed too modestly. She's covered with an orange
powder. Watching her from the other side of a glass
window are "Thirteen", Taub and Yonatan.]

"THIRTEEN": [explaining to Yonatan] As the chamber heats
up, Roz's body temperature should also rise, making her
sweat and turning the powder purple. No change in color
means no sweating, which means her central nervous
system is damaged.

YONATAN ARNOFF: [ill-at-ease] I shouldn't see her like this.

"THIRTEEN": We could have a diagnosis as soon as she
comes out of the chamber. It might be better if you stayed.

YONATAN ARNOFF: [turning away] It's disrespectful. I'm
sure she imagined the first time her husband would see her
bare like this would be... celebrating the marriage?

"THIRTEEN": Given the circumstances, I think Roz would
sacrifice modesty to have you with her.

YONATAN ARNOFF: Please. Don't do that.

"THIRTEEN": [confused] What? I-I think it's nice that you're
here. I think...

YONATAN ARNOFF: You think it's sweet. That I care for her
modesty, But that it's archaic and ultimately irrelevant.

["Thirteen" opens hr mouth to explain, but Yonatan keeps
speaking.]

YONATAN ARNOFF: Our traditions aren't just blind rituals.
They... they mean something. They-they have purpose.

[A silent beat passes.]

YONATAN ARNOFF: I respect my wife. [looking away from
Roz] And I respect her body.

[The monitors suddenly start beeping. "Thirteen" looks at
the results and jumps out of her seat.]

"THIRTEEN": Her body temperature's stopped climbing.

[Taub scrambles up as "Thirteen" races into the chamber to
aid Roz.]

YONATAN ARNOFF: What's going on?

"THIRTEEN": She's having a seizure! [calling out] Crash cart!

[Inside, despite the heat of the sauna, Roz is actually
freezing. Her lips are blue, her eyes roll up into her head, as
she shivers heavily.]

"THIRTEEN": Blankets too! She's freezing!

[ICU. Day. Roz lies in a bed, still shivering. She's really pale
now.]

GREG HOUSE: [vo] She was supposed to sweat and she
froze.

LAWRENCE KUTNER: [vo] Return to the Planet of the Apes.


[Diagnostics Office. Day. House sits in front of the
whiteboard, looking at it intently as he speaks. The Fellows
and Foreman stand around him.]

GREG HOUSE: Hypothermia caused the seizure. What
caused the hypothermia?

[The whiteboard has two new symptoms - "ORTHOSTATIC
HYPOTENSION" and "HYPOTHERMIA" (underlined).]

LAWRENCE KUTNER: Could be an infection.

"THIRTEEN": Her white blood cell count was fine.

LAWRENCE KUTNER: When she was admitted. She coulda
picked something up here.

ERIC FOREMAN: Complication on a complication?

GREG HOUSE: Body's doing the opposite of what it's
supposed to. Her body's Wilson. How do we respond to
that?

ERIC FOREMAN: We accept that he's happy.

GREG HOUSE: We do the opposite.

"THIRTEEN": So you want us to, what, send the patient
home?

GREG HOUSE: Infection... means that something's been
added to the body, something that should be expelled.
What's the opposite of that?

LAWRENCE KUTNER: Something missing from the body.
Could be an enzyme or a hormone.

ERIC FOREMAN: [suggesting] Cortisol. Could be Addison's.

GREG HOUSE: It fits. Every symptom.

"THIRTEEN": I'll run a cortisol stimulation test.

[She leaves, walking past House, who continues to stare at
the whiteboard.]

[PPTH Pharmacy/Lobby. Day. Wilson stands at the
pharmacy, looking at some charts. Cuddy walks up to him, a
mischievous smile on her face.]

LISA CUDDY: Are you sure she doesn't wanna just take you
back to her lair, hang you upside down, and deposit her
eggs in you?

[He's thrown for about a second, but recovers
immediately.]

JAMES WILSON: Excellent disguise, House.

[He starts to walk away from her, but she follows.]

LISA CUDDY: You two are really that serious?

[He stops and turns to her.]

JAMES WILSON: She's pretty. he's funny. Maybe she's a
little more...

LISA CUDDY: [suggests] ... evil?

JAMES WILSON: [firm] ... aggressive than you'd expect from
me. But... I'm happy. Can't I just enjoy what that feels like
for a while?

LISA CUDDY: How many people have looked at you
trustingly while you gave them a fatal prognosis? But you
knew it was kinder to tell them the truth. Amber
compulsively looks out
for number one. You compulsively look out for the person
that you're with. Your needs are gonna feed her needs until
all that's left is a Wilson chalk outline on the floor.

[Wilson is a bit taken aback by the morbidity in her voice
and words.]

LISA CUDDY: Sorry.

[Shaking her head, she leaves. Wilson, still dazed by the
conversation, turns.]

JAMES WILSON: Wow!

[ICU. Day. "Thirteen" enters the room and walks smilingly
to Roz's bed. Roz is much better (not freezing anymore).
Yonatan sits at her side.]

ROZ VINER: That cortisol stuff is great. Does it work on
everything?

"THIRTEEN": I take it you're feeling better.

ROZ VINER: Oh, still weak. But yeah.

[Using her stethoscope, "Thirteen" checks Roz's heartbeat.
Roz sighs and looks at Yonatan.]

ROZ VINER: You must be so tired. You should go home and
get some sleep.

YONATAN ARNOFF: [encouragingly squeezing her legs] I'll
stay.

ROZ VINER: I never told you, but you are much better
looking than Mrs. Silver led me to expect.

YONATAN ARNOFF: She never liked me. When I was eight, I
threw up on her shoes at my uncle's wedding.

[They chuckle at the funny memory. "Thirteen", however, is
not so amused by what she sees on Roz's side.]

"THIRTEEN": Your abdomen is little swollen.

ROZ VINER: [weakly lifting her head] Mm?

YONATAN ARNOFF: Is it serious?

"THIRTEEN": It's hard to say. Sometimes it can mean a liver
issue. We'll have to test.

[Roz sits upright and groans.]

ROZ VINER: Oh, oh, dizziness is getting...

[The monitors start beeping. Her eyes rolled up again, Roz
falls back onto her pillow.]

"THIRTEEN": [calling to a nurse] She's going into shock! I
need another liter of saline! Type and cross two units!

YONATAN ARNOFF: [worried] What's happening to her?

["Thirteen" inserts a needle into the swollen part of Roz's
abdomen. Roz groans as the needle penetrates her skin and
starts to chant something softly. As "Thirteen" pulls back
the syringe plunger, she sees the syringe filling up with
blood. She looks up to Yonatan, grimly.]

"THIRTEEN": She's bleeding internally.

YONATAN ARNOFF: [frightened] She's saying the Sh'ma. She
thinks she's dying.

[Roz continues praying softly.]


[ICU. Day. Dr. Robert Chase points to an MRI (stuck to the
lightboard) and speaks to Roz. Yonatan looks nervous.]

ROBERT CHASE: The MRI shows you're bleeding internally,
but not where it's coming from. The blood can only keep
you stable for so long. Our best option is to open you up
and search.

YONATAN ARNOFF: [hopeful] But you can fix it?

ROBERT CHASE: If we find the leak.

ROZ VINER: You find the bleeding, you find the disease?

ROBERT CHASE: No. But it could keep you alive long enough
so Dr. House can find what's wrong with you.

[A beat passes, as Chase and Yonatan look at Roz, waiting
for her answer.]

ROZ VINER: [shaking her head, small voice] No.

[Chase and Yonatan are surprised.]

ROZ VINER: I don't wanna have the surgery.

ROBERT CHASE: It's the only chance you've got.

ROZ VINER: I don't wanna have the surgery until after
sunset. [to Yonatan] I'm probably gonna die anyway. I just
wanna share one Shabbat with my husband.

[Fighting back tears, Yonatan leans over to Roz and
whispers to her.]

YONATAN ARNOFF: Roz, please. The Torah commands us to
preserve life.

ROZ VINER: I've waited thirty-eight years to find what I
wanted. I can wait another eight hours. [nods] I'll leave the
rest to God, okay?

[Yonatan closes his eyes and sighs in resignation. Roz nods
encouragingly at him. Chase watches.]

[Diagnostics Office. Day. Chase explains the situation to
House, Foreman and the Fellows.]

ROBERT CHASE: I had a Rabbi call. She's adamant.

GREG HOUSE: She's not a masochist, she's suicidal.
[sarcastically] Nice work, Chase.

ROBERT CHASE: [deadpan] Yeah... I should have had twin
Rabbis call. Can I go?

GREG HOUSE: We need you.

[Chase seems surprised by House's words.]

GREG HOUSE: So, instead of a few days, we now have a few
hours to figure this out. [again] Nice work, Chase.

ROBERT CHASE: Why do you need me?

GREG HOUSE: Saying, "nice work, Chase" when you're not
here is pointless.

[Chase smiles wryly and starts to walk out.]

GREG HOUSE: Seriously, we need you.

[Chase walks out anyway.]

"THIRTEEN": We should X-ray for malformations of the rib
that could cause arterial twisting.

GREG HOUSE: Malformations don't cause bloody urine.

CHRIS TAUB: She's not suicidal. She made a commitment to
a new life with her husband and she wants one meaningful
experience in that life.

ERIC FOREMAN: She just met the guy.

LAWRENCE KUTNER: Taub just met her and he's already so
in love, he's ready to let her die and take her back to the
home planet for a burial in the lava sea of Tormiac.

[Taub looks heavenward in frustration and shoots Kutner a
look, before speaking.]

CHRIS TAUB: It's who he might be. She's connecting with all
the years she's not gonna have.

GREG HOUSE: Better way of connecting to those years is to
actually have them.

[Chase opens the door and stands there.]

ROBERT CHASE: You want more time?

[He enters.]

ROBERT CHASE: Joshua got God to make the sun stand still.
No reason God can't speed it up. And, by God, I, of course,
mean you.

GREG HOUSE: Told you we needed you.


[ICU. Day. Taub and Foreman stand at Roz's bedside, while
two nurses stand on the other stand, preparing to lift her
off.]

CHRIS TAUB: It's sundown, Roz.

ERIC FOREMAN: We're taking you back to your room for
your candlelight dinner. [to the others] Ready? One, two,
three.

[They all lift her off the bed and place her onto a gurney.]


[PPTH Hallway. Day. Foreman, Taub and a male nurse wheel
Roz towards her room.]

ROZ VINER: It's too early.

CHRIS TAUB: Your sense of time is off because of the
medication.

[They pass by an office, where grey sheets of paper have
been plastered over the window. One of the sheets (losing
adhesive) bends outward, letting in a beam of bright light
inside. It's nowhere close to sundown.]


[Roz's Room. Day. As traditional Jewish music plays in the
background, Roz is wheeled inside, where Yonatan awaits
her, a Torah in his hand. A makeshift Shabbat table, near
the bed, is set, holding to covered challahs (braided bread),
a kiddush cup and two candles. Roz's gurney is brought
close to the bed.]

YONATAN ARNOFF: [greeting] Good Shabbos, Roz.

[Roz looks at him weakly.]

CHRIS TAUB: [whispers to Yonatan] So you pray, scarf down
some challah, then we can do this?

[Yonatan gives him a miffed look. Foreman watches silently.
Roz closes her eyes.]


[Diagnostics Office. Day. House sits at the glass table, still
staring at the whiteboard. The door opens and Amber (in
street clothes) walks inside. She stands in front of the
whiteboard and puts her arms on her hips.]

AMBER VOLAKIS: You wanted to see me?

GREG HOUSE: And you came.

AMBER VOLAKIS: I feel pretty confident it'll be something
interesting.

GREG HOUSE: [looking at the 'board] Solve this case and the
job is yours.

AMBER VOLAKIS: Is there a "Drop Wilson" clause attached
to this?

GREG HOUSE: Standard contract all employees sign.

[She nods slowly and pulls out a chair and sits. She looks
House in his eyes.]

AMBER VOLAKIS: Why do you have to believe I have an
ulterior motive?

GREG HOUSE: For the same reason I believe that crack
whores can have sex... for crack.

AMBER VOLAKIS: [leaning forward, sincerely] All my life I
thought I had to choose between love and... respect. And I
chose respect. And with Wilson... I know what it's like to
have both. [beat] And that beats a fellowship.

[She stands. As she places the chair back under the table,
she looks at the whiteboard. Taking a long look, she walks
towards the door. House watches her go and looks back at
the 'board. At the door, Amber turns around.]

AMBER VOLAKIS: Could be DIC.

[She looks at House, expectantly. House considers it
awhile.]

GREG HOUSE: You've changed.

AMBER VOLAKIS: I hope so.

GREG HOUSE: Normal platelet count rules out DIC. Good try
though.

[She smiles sportingly at him and walks off. He looks back
the board.]


[Aerial View of PPTH. Day.]

YONATAN ARNOFF: [singing] Eishes chayil mi yimtza...

[Roz's Room. Day. As he recites the Eshet Chayil, Yonatan
lights a candle. "Thirteen" stands beside Roz, her head
bowed and hands clasped in respect.]

YONATAN ARNOFF: ... ve-rachok mi-peninim michrah.
Batach bah leiv ba'alah ve-shalal lo yech'sar.
Gemalas'hu tov ve-lo ra kol yemei chayeha.

[Roz listens, stifling sobs and trying to smile.]


[Diagnostics Office. Day. The recital is heard in the
background, as House looks outside the window, morosely.]

YONATAN ARNOFF: [vo] Dar'eshah tzemer u'fishtim...

[The recital fades out as Kutner enters, carrying a medical
textbook.]

LAWRENCE KUTNER: I read that a hydatid cyst could...

GREG HOUSE: Would affect the lungs, not the bladder.

[Foreman and Taub enter.]

ERIC FOREMAN: Tested her white cell count again. Normal.

LAWRENCE KUTNER: How long till we get to cut her open?

LAWRENCE KUTNER: When I left, he was still singing Eshet-
something.

GREG HOUSE: The husband's blessing of his wife. He calls
her Eshet Chayil.

FLASHBACK: [Roz's Wedding. Roz sits in her wedding dress.]

GREG HOUSE: [vo] "Woman of valor". "Strength and honor
are her clothing. She laughs at the future"...
RESUME.

GREG HOUSE: ... because she's an idiot.

CHRIS TAUB: [quick guess] Volvulus of the small intestine
could cause bleeding.

GREG HOUSE: She woulda had constipation. Her value isn't
"beyond pearls" either. 'Cause dead people have no value.

LAWRENCE KUTNER: [shot in the dark] Polycythemia vera.

GREG HOUSE: [shooting his shot down] RBC count would be
higher.


[Roz's Room. Day. The candles are placed in front of Roz.
She speaks to "Thirteen".]

ROZ VINER: I need to bring the light to my face.

[Since she's too weak to lift her own arms, "Thirteen" and
Yonatan pick up her arms and slowly pass them in front of
her face and back as part of the ritual.

LAWRENCE KUTNER: [vo] Thrombocytopenia. If it's
autoimmune...

ERIC FOREMAN: [vo] Titers were normal.

[Diagnostics Office. Day. The men sit despondently,
wondering what the ailment could be.]

LAWRENCE KUTNER: Parkinson's would explain the
hypothermia.

GREG HOUSE: Not the bloody urine. Woman's not just a
masochist, she's a hypocrite.

[Roz's Room. Day. Roz holds her hands over her eyes and
prays silently.]

GREG HOUSE: [vo] The commandment to preserve life
comes before all others.

[Diagnostics Office. Day. The debate continues...]

CHRIS TAUB: Actually, it means she's not a masochist. She's
not following all the rules, just the ones that please her.

GREG HOUSE: [frustrated] Right, she walked in crazy and
explained how ritual trumps living, and you decide it's a
beautiful lifestyle.

CHRIS TAUB: [calm] I know. She's wrong.

FLASHBACK: [Roz's Wedding. As part of the ritual, Yonatan
takes a sip of water, as does Roz.]

CHRIS TAUB: But if there's nothing more...


[Roz's Room. Day. Yonatan puts the kiddush cup to Roz's
mouth. Roz feebly takes a sip.]

GREG HOUSE: [vo] Then the only meaning is here.

CHRIS TAUB: [vo] But if she thinks God is there for her.

[Yonatan and "Thirteen" nod at each other.]


[Diagnostics Office. Day. Taub speaks.]

CHRIS TAUB: If she lives her life believing that God is there...

GREG HOUSE: [grimly] Then she dies.

[A silent beat passes.]

GREG HOUSE: Things aren't where we want them to be just
'cause we want them to be there.

[And then it hits him!]

GREG HOUSE: 'Course, that doesn't mean they're where
they should be.


[PPTH Hallway. Day. House bursts through a door and sees
Roz being wheeled back to the ICU, by "Thirteen", Yonatan
and a male nurse. He shouts.]

GREG HOUSE: Hey! Stop that Jew!

[He limps up to them. Roz turns to look at him.]

GREG HOUSE: Chase hates working on Shabbos. Gonna
make this easier for him. Stand her up.

"THIRTEEN": She doesn't do so well on her feet.

[House hands his cane to the male nurse.]

GREG HOUSE: Neither do I. Stand her up.

[Yonatan looks confused. "Thirteen" reluctantly prepares to
stand Roz up. They remove the gurney railing and take the
blanket off Roz. House limps over to the side, where Roz is
helped up. "Thirteen" and Yonatan hold Roz tightly as she
sits up weakly. Almost immediately, the monitors start to
beep and Roz goes limp. House motions for "Thirteen" to
let go, so he can hold her up.]

GREG HOUSE: You can tell all the ladies at the Mikvah about
this.

[House clutches right side of Roz's abdomen (which is
swollen) and pushes upward. Immediately, the monitors
stop beeping and Roz regains consciousness. Surprised, she
looks at House.]

ROZ VINER: What did you do?

[House lets go of her abdomen. With a groan, she goes limp
again and the monitors beep.]

YONATAN ARNOFF: What are you doing?

[House applies pressure to her right side again and she's
okay once again. He beckons "Thirteen".]

GREG HOUSE: Put your hand here. Press hard.

["Thirteen", a bit confused, complies. She holds Roz's right
side and looks shocked at what she feels. They help Roz
back onto the gurney.]

GREG HOUSE: You have nephroptosis. Also known as
"floating kidney". [collecting his cane from the nurse] The
kidney's like a chandelier.

[Zoom into Roz's right side. The right kidney is hanging
loose and moving back and forth.]

GREG HOUSE: [vo] It's attached to a ceiling of intestines and
blood vessels. But your contractor - think you know who he
is - he hung it with a cheap chain. It's been hanging sloppy
for years.

[The kidney stops moving.]

FLASHBACK: [Roz's wedding. She's hoisted up on a chair and
rocked up and down.]

GREG HOUSE: [vo] Finally something shook it loose.
RESUME.

GREG HOUSE: After that, every time you stood, your kidney
dropped a few centimeters, caused all your symptoms.

"THIRTEEN": None of the scans picked it up.

GREG HOUSE: Because we do scans with patients lying
down. She'd've been lying down in surgery too. We would
never have found it. Good chance she'd never come out.

YONATAN ARNOFF: [hopeful] She'll be all right?

GREG HOUSE: Ultrasound to confirm, then tell Chase to put
the kidney back on the shelf. The bleed will be nearby.

ROZ VINER: That's... it?

GREG HOUSE: Mazel tov.

[An ecstatic Yonatan kisses Roz on the forehead.]

GREG HOUSE: Couple hours surgery, you'll be ready to push
out those fourteen children.

[Roz wheezes out a relieved laugh. She looks at Yonatan,
who is equally relieved. House turns to "Thirteen".]

GREG HOUSE: You do it both ways, right?

["Thirteen" looks wide-eyed at House.]

"THIRTEEN": What?

GREG HOUSE: [quickly] The ultrasound. You do it standing
up and lying down.

["Thirteen" has an absolutely befuddled look on her face.]

GREG HOUSE: [innocently] What else would I mean?

[Still bemused, she starts to move off, but not before House
can give her a knowing wink. She accompanies the others
as they wheel Roz to the OR. House smiles slyly.]


[Wilson's Office. Night. At his desk, Wilson buttons his
sleeve, when the door opens. House stands at the door-
jamb.]

GREG HOUSE: [sucks in air] I've decided you could do worse
than a female proxy for me.

[His message given, he closes the door and walks off.
Wilson stands transfixed.]

[PPTH Lobby. Day. The elevator door opens and House, on
his way out, limps towards the door. Behind him, Wilson
comes bounding down the stairs.]

JAMES WILSON: So you're going to acknowledge that
people can change?

GREG HOUSE: No.

JAMES WILSON: You think I've changed or Amber's
changed?

GREG HOUSE: Nope.

[House stops at the Nurse Station to look at something.]

JAMES WILSON: [pointing at House] Then you've changed.

GREG HOUSE: If you do change, can it be the part of you
that chases me down halls, trying to change me?

[House resumes walking, Wilson accompanying him.]

JAMES WILSON: [flabbergasted] Do you know what this
means?

GREG HOUSE: That you made one good dating choice. The
fabric of the space/time continuum could unravel.

[House and Wilson walk out the hospital doors into the cold
night. They stand outside.]

JAMES WILSON: My world could expand. I could form a
long-term connection that isn't with you. And since you put
the darkest possible construction on everything, you could
end up losing a friend. You've thought of all this.

[House doesn't answer.]

JAMES WILSON: And yet you're going along with it. [shivers
a bit] Are you being... self-sacrificing?

GREG HOUSE: I'll sacrifice... a lab rat. I'll sacrifice a fly. I'll
sacrifice two hundred on a mudder at Monmouth Park. I
don't sacrifice self.

[Wilson nods.]

GREG HOUSE: Shabbat Shalom, Wilson.

[He walks off.]

JAMES WILSON: Shabbat Shalom, House.

[With a wide smile, Wilson turns to walk back inside.]



413 - Script VO
[Opens at a picket line for a nurses strike outside PPTH, a
nurse, Deb Tallridge, is walking the picket line with her
husband Jeff]

DEB: Who ever thought walking in a circle at two miles an
hour would be draining?

JEFF: [Smiles] Fresh air, exercise.

DEB: You know, some things do have their negative sides.
Our income just got cut in half.

JEFF: And we get to spend twice as much time together.

DEB: More, if you don't leave before your lunch hour's over.
[Jeff laughs.]

[A delivery man walks up with some boxes on a trolley.]

DELIVERY MAN: Out of my way.

DEB: We have a legal right to hold you up for 15 seconds.
15... 14...

DELIVERY MAN: One?

DEB: 11, 10... [The delivery man rams into her with his
trolley.] Ow!

DELIVERY MAN: Just trying to do my job.

JEFF: Hey, relax, three more seconds and you can go.

DELIVERY MAN: [To Jeff] Are you telling me what to do?

JEFF: It's okay. Just take a breath. [Hugs the Delivery man.]

DELIVERY MAN: [Pushes Jeff away.] Get the hell off me.

JEFF: I think it's been 15. [He gets a blank look on his face
and his eyes roll back into his head.]

DEB: You okay? [Screen goes white and we hear Jeff fall to
the ground.] Oh, my god, Jeff!

[Opening credits.]

[Cut to House walking into ER, which is very busy with
doctors and patients all over the place.]

HOUSE: The place is a mess.

CAMERON: Welcome to a world without nurses. [Hands
House some files.] Here, you can start with these.

HOUSE: [Doesn't take them.] It's not my fault, I don't use
nurses.

CAMERON: Cuddy was looking for you, said she'd send you
down here.

HOUSE: I know, that's why I'm here. [Goes and sits down.]

CAMERON: Because Cuddy hasn't found you yet. [Shakes
her head and goes to look after a patient.]

HOUSE: She's going to look everywhere except the place
she wants me to be. [Puts his feet up and starts to read a
magazine. Glances over at Jeff who is sitting on the end of
his bed smiling.] [To Cameron.] Hey.

CAMERON: I've got an aortic dissection here.

HOUSE: What's with the idiot?

CAMERON: Ah.. [Picks up his file.] Fainting spell and recent
history of dysgeusia. Everything tastes like lemon meringue
pie. You want to take him?

HOUSE: No. [Cameron makes an 'of course' gesture and
goes back to what she was doing.] [To Jeff.] Sir. Why do you
have two lunches in front of you?

JEFF: Been here for two meals.

HOUSE: And you're happy with that?

JEFF: [Shrugs.] No, I just don't see much use in complaining.

HOUSE: Seriously? It's a very useful tool. [Gets up and walks
over to him.] Complain, you make people miserable. They
do what you want to make the misery go away.

DEB: [Appears from nowhere beside Jeff.] We probably
should say something. Maybe I can call one of the doctors I
work with...

JEFF: [Pats her hand.] They're doing their best. [They smile
at each other. House stamps his cane on Jeff's foot.] Ow!

DEB: What the hell?

JEFF: [Still smiling.] I'm sure it was an accident.

HOUSE: [To Cameron.] Is he Canadian?

CAMERON: Uh, he's a low priority...

HOUSE: Is that a yes?

DEB: He's just...

HOUSE: Happy. [Jeff smiles.] I've got to stop this before it
spreads. [House whistles. Taub, Kutner, Thirteen and
Cameron all look towards House.] You guys are done.
[Taub, Kutner and Thirteen start walking over, Cameron
looks annoyed.]

[Cut to House writing on the whiteboard in the diagnostics
office. Up the top is a smiley face, then dysgeusia, syncope
and in really big letters - NICENESS]

HOUSE: Could be a metabolic disorder, toxic exposure,
carcinoma of the tongue metastasized to the brain,
Epilepsy, MS

TAUB: Or it could be the flu, and we should all be back in
the ER.

THIRTEEN: [Sarcastically] No, you're ignoring the big
symptom. [To House.] What if we're looking at both the flu
and decent parenting?

HOUSE: Okay, you two are perfectly healthy. This guy
wasn't pandering, he wasn't vanilla nice, he was nice
without any aspiration for personal gain. I'm thinking
genetic defect.

KUTNER: [Laughs.] Niceness is a defect?

HOUSE: Three cavemen, see a stranger running towards
them with a spear. One fights, one flees, one smiles and
invites him over for fondue. That last guy didn't last long
enough to procreate.

FOREMAN: And how long has the patient been... suffering?

HOUSE: At least as long as his wife has known him, 11
years.

FOREMAN: The chances of him having an undiagnosed
pathology for that long...

HOUSE: What are you saying? That evolution is wrong?
[Scoffs.] Where do you think we are, 21st Century America?

KUTNER: He's saying that statistics are true too. That the
world is a bell curve, most of us fall within the standard
deviation, but there are outliers. And if we believe in the
existence of extreme jerkiness, which I suspect that we do...
[Pauses and looks at House, who glares back.] Then we also
have to accept the existence of the opposite extreme.

FOREMAN: You want it to be a symptom because then
we're supposed to be jerks, which means you don't even
have to try to be nice.

HOUSE: Okay, maybe I'm biased, let's take a vote. Who
thinks that niceness is not a symptom? [Everyone puts up
their hand.] And who thinks that their vote counts? [House
puts up his hand.] You two [Points to Foreman and Kutner]
check out his home for toxins. Taub and Thirty-One...

THIRTEEN: Thirty-One?

HOUSE: Oh, I'm sorry, I thought that either way was good
with you. Taub and Thirteen, MRI for tumors and EEG for
nerve damage. Test whatever comes out of him for
everything else.

[Cut to House bowling with Chase. House bowls his ball at
the 3 pins that are left and hits 2 of them.]

CHASE: Too much axis tilt. [House turns back to look at
him.] Don't release until your thumb's at the bottom of the
ball. [Chase gets ready to bowl, he has a glove on one
hand.] I assume Wilson was busy.

HOUSE: Again.

CHASE: [Bowls a strike. Turns around and smiles at House.]
No axis tilt. [House pops a pill.] With Amber?

HOUSE: Again. [Washes the pill down with some beer.]

CHASE: Still, it was nice of you to invite me, this is fun.

HOUSE: No, it wasn't. No, it isn't. I didn't invite you to be
nice, I invited you because bowling isn't one of the two
things guys do by themselves.

CHASE: What's the second thing?

HOUSE: Other hand. [Bowls a gutter ball.]

CHASE: Well if people are incapable of being nice, why
bother having the word?

HOUSE: Ah, the ontological proof of niceness. The existence
of the word proves the existence of the concept. Look out
for those minotaurs on your drive home.

CHASE: I thought motives didn't matter, only results
mattered. So what are you going to do to screw up Wilson's
relationship so you don't have to listen to me while you
bowl?

HOUSE: I wish the best for them and their tragically
deformed children. [Bowls his second shot but we don't see
the result, House doesnt look too pleased though+

CHASE: Well, she's good... At being bad. You might not be
able to destroy her.

HOUSE: Well as long as I give it my best shot, I can hold my
head high.

CHASE: Cameron had this one insufferable friend. She
wasn't going to get rid of her and I sure wasn't going to join
them, so I just said, see her on Thursday's. I know it's not as
exciting as an exploding birthday cake, but, hell, I don't
want to hang out with her every night anyway.

HOUSE: That's amazing. Cameron only has one insufferable
friend? [Chase bowls another strike. Turns around and
House is gone.]

[Cut to House standing in front of Amber in her apartment.
Wilson is at the dining table reading the paper, trying not to
get involved.]

HOUSE: Joint custody.

AMBER: Of Wilson?

HOUSE: Unless we have another love child?

AMBER: [Looks at Wilson] Deal with him.

HOUSE: He needs a mother figure. I'm not saying you're not
entitled to spend time with him, I'm just saying I'm entitled
too. [Amber looks at Wilson again.]

WILSON: I don't know how to deal with him when he's
being reasonable.

AMBER: This is reasonable? This is crazy. You're not a child,
you can make your own plans.

WILSON: No, crazy is what House would normally do in this
situation... Swap your lubricant with superglue.

HOUSE: The man knows me.

WILSON: This is his way of accepting us.

HOUSE: It's actually a very touching moment. I'm proposing
I get every other day and every other weekend.

AMBER: I have yoga Wednesday's, you can have him then.
But you have to have him home by 11. [House looks at
Wilson who doesn't look up from his paper.] We can swap
weekends.

HOUSE: Monday's and Wednesday's, and midnight.

AMBER: If he's not home till midnight, we won't be asleep
till almost 2:00.

HOUSE: Wilson? Make a ruling.

WILSON: [Laughs.] Uh no. You two are like dogs circling
each other in the park. [Looks at Amber.] And I say that
with all the love in the world. You need to sniff each other's
butts, bare your teeth, and arrive at some strange detente.
Otherwise, you'll end up biting each other's eyes out. Again,
with all the love in the world.

HOUSE: I'll let you sniff first.

AMBER: Take my deal, or get out of my apartment.

HOUSE: Take my deal, or I move in. [Sits down.]

[Cut to Foreman and Kutner going through Jeff's stuff.]

FOREMAN: [Looking at a photo.] This guy worked for
habitat for humanity in Costa Rica.

KUTNER: And coaches handicapped kids. You think we
should do a workup on the other coaches?

FOREMAN: It is possible he's too perfect.

KUTNER: I'm not saying he's perfect, I'm saying he's trying
to be. That's what people do. [Foreman stares at him.]
What?

FOREMAN: That's not what people do.

KUTNER: People usually suck, but they want to be good,
want to be nice.

FOREMAN: House?

KUTNER: [Shrugs.] Exception that proves the rule.

FOREMAN: What sort of argument is that?

KUTNER: A bad one.

FOREMAN: [Opens up a cupboard.] That might be relevant.
[Picks up a bottle.] Hydrofluoric acid. Lowers his calcium,
causes the fainting and taste issue.

KUTNER: But not the niceness.

FOREMAN: Wouldn't that be nice?

[Cut to House, Amber and Wilson in Cuddy's office, Wilson
is standing at the back eating chips.]

HOUSE: [To Cuddy.] You are King Solomon. If you want us
to cut him in half, we're cool with that.

AMBER: My boyfriend's too much of a wuss to make the
call for himself... [Turns around to Wilson.] And I mean that
with all the love in the world.

WILSON: I'm gonna piss off one of them, and they both
scare me. [Motions for Cuddy to make the call.]

CUDDY: [Looks at House and then gets up and takes a file
out of the cupboard. Sits back down and starts reading it to
House.] Your treatment of patients is reprehensible. [House
rolls his eyes.]

WILSON: You're reading his performance review?

CUDDY: [Snaps at him] I'm busy. We have a nurses' strike!
[Wilson backs off, Cuddy goes back to reading the review.]
Your management of employees borders on abuse.

AMBER: [Turns to Wilson.] Let's go.

WILSON: [Looks disappointed.] No, I... I want to hear it.

CUDDY: You are overtly contemptuous of hospital
hierarchy.

HOUSE: And covertly. [Cuddy looks at him.] But I suppose
you didn't know about that.

CUDDY: Your attitude towards supervisory personnel is
disrespectful, and a disturbingly large proportion of your
comments are racist or sexist.

HOUSE: That top makes you look like an Afghani
prostitute... Would be an example of that.

CUDDY: Sign this. [Hands file to House.]

KUTNER: [Comes barging in.] House, I got the...

HOUSE: It can wait. [To Cuddy,] I will sign, if you will give us
a ruling.

CUDDY: I will give you a ruling, if you do the reviews on
your team. [Kutner shuts the door behind him and takes
one of Wilson's chips.]

HOUSE: I'd be happy to continue the mockery of this
process. [Sign's the review.]

CUDDY: [To Amber.] What'd you offer him?

AMBER: Wednesday's till 11:00 and alternate weekends.

CUDDY: [To House.] Wednesday's till 11:00 and alternate
weekends.

HOUSE: Yes. Wednesday nights are ladies' nights at
Cheetah's.

[Cut to House and Kutner walking down the hallway.]

KUTNER: Calcium's normal.

HOUSE: Wow. It really could wait.

KUTNER: Everything's normal.

HOUSE: And you thought it wouldn't be.

KUTNER: He's a carpet cleaner, he's got a home full of
hydrofluoric acid.

HOUSE: Doesn't mean his calcium should be low.

KUTNER: Yeah, actually it kinda does, HF causes lower levels
of...

HOUSE: LowER, not low.

KUTNER: Lower than normal.

HOUSE: Lower than yesterday. Yesterday might have been
high, what's lower than high?

KUTNER: He actually has hypercalcemia, which is being
lowered to normal by the HF.

HOUSE: So what gives us elevated calcium, bad taste, and
fainting?

KUTNER: I take it you know?

HOUSE: Get the team. This is going to be fun. [House walks
off.]

[Cut to House entering Jeff's room followed by Taub, Kutner
and Thirteen.]

HOUSE: Hello, again. These people think you are not too
nice.

JEFF: Too nice? For what?

HOUSE: For life as we know it to have evolved without an
intelligent designer. I'm going to prove them wrong. Your
wife... is very ugly.

DEB: [Stands up.] Get out of here.

JEFF: Deb. He's obviously trying to prove a point.

HOUSE: I think I just did. You're either perfect or you're sick.
In my experience sick is much more common.

DEB: He's not sick, he's nice.

HOUSE: Nice in the sense that your toaster is nice for
making you breakfast. It's the only thing his wiring will let
him do. [To Taub, Kutner and Thirteen.] He has William's
syndrome. [Back to Deb.] Your husband is missing the genes
that make him suspicious.

DEB: You're wrong, he's

HOUSE: Relax, there's no cure. He's going to go right on
tasting lemon meringue pie, fainting, and being a sap.

TAUB: What about the other symptoms?

HOUSE: He has no other symptoms.

TAUB: But William's does.

HOUSE: He's got the teeth, glasses.

TAUB: William's cuts IQ by 20...

HOUSE: He doesn't work in the physics department. Except
when they spill a black hole on their carpet.

THIRTEEN: Elfin appearance?

HOUSE: Yeah, he's more legolas than Keebler, but I bet you
he can still crack off a batch of Pecan Sandies.

KUTNER: Perfect pitch?

HOUSE: [To Jeff.] You love to karaoke, right?

JEFF: [Laughs.] I suck.

HOUSE: Modest, another symptom...

DEB: No, he really does suck.

HOUSE: Give us a warble. You know any Cher?

JEFF: No, but I know bread. [Looks at Deb, starts to sing,
badly.] Baby I'm a want you, baby I'm a need you, you're
the only one I care enough to heard about... [Trails off,
suddenly he can't seem to form the words anymore.]

DEB: What's the matter?

THIRTEEN: He's stroking. [Taub, Kutner, and Thirteen all
rush over, put the bed down, flashlight in the eyes, the
usual medical stuff.]

HOUSE: Not a moment too soon.

[Cut to House staring at the whiteboard in the Diagnostics
office, which now has a new symptom on it Stroke.]

TAUB: You were wrong.

HOUSE: Why do people say that with such pleasure? It's
very hurtful, you know?

THIRTEEN: It means the patient gets to keep being nice.
Why does that offend you?

HOUSE: It's the way he said it. He wasn't relieved, he was
excited. [Very happily.] He was also wrong, and I say that
with no sense of pleasure.

KUTNER: Patient tested negative for William's, which means
the stroke and everything else wasn't caused by...

HOUSE: You. [Points at Kutner.] Have a friendly demeanor,
but you sometimes get too involved. You relate well to your
peers and patients and you complete tasks in a timely
manner. [Grabs a piece of paper and puts it in front of
Kutner.] Please sign.

FOREMAN: What the hell was that?

HOUSE: I have to give each of you performance reviews.
[Kutner looks at the paper, still a little shocked.] Plenty of
other conditions can cause debilitating niceness.

FOREMAN: How is that supposed to help him?

HOUSE: I don't know. How's it supposed to help Wilson?
[To Kutner.] Cross out Wilson's name and the date, and
then fill in your own...

FOREMAN: The point of a review is to give feedback to
help...

HOUSE: I'm thinking neurosyphilis. Wouldn't show up on
the MRI without contrast. [Looks at Kutner.]

KUTNER: [Looks up from the review he has just been given.]
I'll go run the tests. [Taub, Kutner and Thirteen all leave.]

FOREMAN: He doesn't think it's syphilis, but he's going to
go run those tests anyway.

HOUSE: Because he doesn't know. That's why we do tests.

FOREMAN: Because he's a wimp, because he's afraid of
you.

HOUSE: You want me to intimidate him into not being
afraid? Not sure I know how to do that.

FOREMAN: Reviews make a difference. People have to
listen, so they have to learn.

HOUSE: I don't think that the right time to tell the dog not
to pee on the rug is semi-annually.

FOREMAN: You don't want to do the paperwork.

HOUSE: I am concerned about the rainforest.

FOREMAN: [Sighs.] I'll do it.

HOUSE: I know. [Walks to his office.]

[Cut to Kutner in Jeff's room.]

JEFF: I don't have syphilis.

KUTNER: You don't know.

JEFF: How many ways are there to get it?

KUTNER: You can know who you had sex with. You can't
know who she...

JEFF: I do.

KUTNER: Not for sure.

JEFF: It's a waste of time. I had a stroke, you can't keep
wasting time. We were tested for the Peace Corps.

KUTNER: Ten years ago. You haven't been with your wife
every minute of every day.

JEFF: You think I'm naive, don't you?

KUTNER: I think you're... Yeah.

JEFF: I know my wife.

KUTNER: She's not perfect.

JEFF: [Laughs.] I'm not perfect. But she loves me, and she's
always loved me. Every minute, every day.

[Cut to House playing the piano in his apartment. There's a
knock on his door.]

HOUSE: [Gets up to open the door.] You're 15 minutes late!
[House opens the door and its some Guy in a suit standing
there.]

GUY: Have you heard the good news?

HOUSE: [Looks confused.] Miley Cyrus is playing a third
night at the spectrum?

GUY: [Holds up a book.] Happiness is possible. [Amber and
Wilson arrive.] And not just in this life, but in the next...

HOUSE: Oh, you're selling religion. I'm sorry, I bought some
Islam yesterday. [Lets Amber and Wilson in.]

GUY: Well, it's where your light shows signs before
mending... [House shuts the door in his face.] Have a good
evening.

HOUSE: You're late.

AMBER: 15 minutes.

HOUSE: 16 minutes, MY 16 minutes.

AMBER: So keep him an extra 16 minutes.

HOUSE: [To Wilson.] You hear that? She doesn't care.

AMBER: You're going mini golfing, what's it matter? You got
a tee off time?

HOUSE: It matters because you don't get to decide what
matters.

WILSON: It was my fault, I had to take a shower.

AMBER: Which was my fault.

HOUSE: [Rolls his eyes.] I had to take a dump. Anything else
I don't need to know before you leave? [Opens the door.]

AMBER: [Kisses Wilson good bye.] Have fun on your play
date. [As she's leaving.] You've got mummy's numbers,
right?

HOUSE: [Shuts the door and looks at Wilson.] Daddy needs
a drink. [Walks off to get one, Wilson laughs.]

[Cut to Foreman in House's office sitting in House's chair.
Thirteen walks in.]

THIRTEEN: I was thinking, if we discount the niceness
issue...

FOREMAN: Sit down.

THIRTEEN: [Sits down.] I think it's a heart defect.

FOREMAN: Nothing on the echo.

THIRTEEN: Could be a Patent Foramen Ovale. It explains the
stroke, and the syncope, and a PFO wouldn't show up on a
routine echo. I'm gonna do a bubble test. [Gets up to
leave.]

FOREMAN: You got a minute first?

THIRTEEN: [Sits back down.] Sure.

FOREMAN: I think you've shown remarkable strength in a
difficult situation. [Opens a file.]

THIRTEEN: Are you giving me a performance review?

FOREMAN: A good one.

THIRTEEN: I'm gonna do a bubble test. [Starts to leave as
Kutner walks in but stays to hear what he has to say.]

KUTNER: There was enough blood left over from his
admission work up to run the VDRL.

FOREMAN: You doubted your patient.

KUTNER: No, what I thought didn't matter. House said he
wouldn't let us go on until we ruled out neurosyphilis.

FOREMAN: It's not neurosyphilis, it's a PFO.

KUTNER: It's neurosyphilis. The tests were positive.

[Cut to Taub pretending to read a paper while talking to
Thirteen at the nurses station.]

TAUB: It's always the same conversation. They tell you, you
must be mistaken, which is why I always run the tests twice,
and then they blame the other guy. Which makes sense if
they're innocent, but obviously, half of them aren't. They
don't seem to get that they're busted. Scientifically proven.

THIRTEEN: Unless your spouse cheated too.

TAUB: Exactly. That's what you're praying for in that
moment. That she cheated too. And then if she doesn't kill
you, you know that she did, you know she betrayed you.
And then, you realise that that sucks worse.

[Cut to Kutner giving the news to Jeff.]

JEFF: The test must be wrong.

KUTNER: I ran it twice.

JEFF: Not that test, the one I took ten years ago. [Looks at
Deb, then back at Kutner.] What other explanation is there?

[Kutner leaves the room and motions for Deb to follow. She
does so.]

DEB: He really sees no other possibility.

KUTNER: Did you have an affair?

DEB: No.

KUTNER: Then why aren't you angry with him?

DEB: You ever know anybody who's just too nice?

KUTNER: No.

DEB: It's annoying. Then you realise it's annoying because
they remind you of what you are not. That you'll never be
as good as they are. And then you think, why can't I? And
before you know it, that naive idiot you laughed at has
made you a better person. [Holding back tears.] You really
think I've been in love all these years with a symptom?

KUTNER: If syphilis caused lesions in his brain, and the
lesions caused personality changes, you may notice a
change in him as his condition improves.

DEB: I know my husband. He's not going to change.

KUTNER: You should get yourself tested. [Leaves.]

[Cut to Kutner, Taub and Foreman in the cafeteria.]

KUTNER: So much for the bell curve. How can House be an
ass without it being an illness, but niceness is a biological
crime?

TAUB: You got five bucks?

KUTNER: Uh, yeah. [Hands him five bucks.]

TAUB: [Putting it in his pocket.] Niceness just cost you five
bucks. Being an ass generally turns a profit.

FOREMAN: [Laughs.] Kutner, could you excuse us? I need to
do Taub's review.

TAUB: You can stay.

FOREMAN: I think it would be better if this was done
privately.

TAUB: This isn't going to be done.

FOREMAN: What is it with you guys? I've given you advice
before.

TAUB: Not as our boss.

FOREMAN: What's the difference? Advice is advice.

TAUB: Fair enough, I'll go first. [Clears his throat, pretends
to read off a sheet of paper.] You demonstrate a great air of
confidence, which is really pissing me off.

FOREMAN: House authorized me...

TAUB: How long have you known him? He's using you.

FOREMAN: I volunteered because I knew he wouldn't...

TAUB: He could care less about the paperwork. He's using
you to screw with you. He knows it'll annoy us, we'll stand
up to you, which will force you to confront the fact that
even though you think you're our superior, you're no
different from us. He gave you authority to keep you in
your place.

KUTNER: It's true.

FOREMAN: Thanks.

KUTNER: Not him, what'd he say?

TAUB: Nothing, what's true?

KUTNER: If there's something wrong with this guy, it means
there's something wrong with House. [Leaves.]

[Cut to House and Wilson at a bar. Wilson has barely
finished the drink he is drinking when House gets another
put in front of him. Meanwhile House is drinking coffee.]

WILSON: [Slurring somewhat.] Are you trying to get me
drunk? [House smiles, Wilson laughs.] What time is it?

HOUSE: 10:30.

WILSON: Ooh... She'll kill you.

HOUSE: I'll get you home before lights out. [Pushes the
drink closer to Wilson who takes it.]

WILSON: Great, then she'll kill me. If I get, if I get any more
drunk, then I'm... It... Might not work. If you, uh, know what
I mean.

HOUSE: Really? You'd think that one or more of your ex
wives would have mentioned that to me.

WILSON: [Shocked.] They told you? Wait, why do you want
to get Amber angry?

HOUSE: Because I'm your friend.

WILSON: No, no, no. You said you approved, you said you
were taking the high road. For how long, the first exit?
[House's phone rings.]

HOUSE: [Answers.] Hello, and thank you for saving me from
being righteoused to death. [Gets up and walks away from
Wilson.]

THIRTEEN: Patient's vomiting blood.

[On the other end of the phone we see Taub, Kutner and
Thirteen in the Diagnostic's office. Taub starts writing the
new symptom on the whiteboard.]

TAUB: Hematemesis could indicate...

HOUSE: Don't put it on the board. [Taub stops writing.]

TAUB: You don't think it's a symptom?

HOUSE: I think it's my marker. [Taub rubs what he had
written off the board.] He has syph, and what?

TAUB: And syph, it can cause hematemesis.

HOUSE: Not everyone agrees.

TAUB: [Looks surprised.] How... How could you...

HOUSE: If you all thought it was syph, you wouldn't have
woken me up in the middle of the night.

THIRTEEN: If it was just syph, he wouldn't be getting worse,
he's already on penicillin.

KUTNER: The bleeding's probably from liver damage,
probably caused by ethanol in the cleansers or the
penicillin.

HOUSE: Two more probablys than I like to hear.

THIRTEEN: Liver tests and serologies are going to take a full
day.

HOUSE: Full night, actually. Guy not might make it to
brunch. [House hangs up the phone and walks back over to
Wilson.] Yes, I knew about your issue with alcohol. Yes, I
intentionally got you drunk to provoke an argument
between you and Amber. Why I would do such a thing is an
interesting question. What's more interesting is that you
knew as much as I did and you're the one who's pouring
down the drinks. Why?

WILSON: Because I thought I was out having fun with a
friend. I didn't know the drinks had subtext. I got to get
home. [Puts some money on the bar and leaves.]

[Cut to Taub, Kutner and Thirteen in the lab.]

THIRTEEN: GGT's normal, rules out alcohol.

TAUB: How about serum protein?

KUTNER: It's positive.

TAUB: Kind of assumed he HAD protein. It's how much
protein he has we care about.

KUTNER: It's positive for syphilis.

TAUB: [Sighs.] You mind if I give you a performance review?

KUTNER: Not the patient. House. He has syphilis.

[Cut to House watching a soap in his office. It's the next
day.]

FEMALE SOAP CHARACTER: What happened?

MALE SOAP CHARACTER: Every time I searched my soul... I
found Anna.

FEMALE SOAP CHARACTER: Are you going to tell Marie?

MALE SOAP CHARACTER: I have to.

FEMALE SOAP CHARACTER: It will destroy her. [Foreman,
Taub, Kutner and Thirteen all walk into the office.]

MALE SOAP CHARACTER: Could it be any worse on her than
loving somebody who can't love them back?

HOUSE: [Looks at them.] Yes?

KUTNER: You might want to turn off the TV.

HOUSE: I'm multi-tasking. Also doing my taxes. And Cuddy.
What'd you find out?

TAUB: The patient has hepatitis. [Kutner, Thirteen and
Foreman stare at him.]

HOUSE: I assume from your omission of the word 'viral'
before the hep that it's not another STD. Put him on
steroids and test him for sarcoid before the liver failure
becomes liver failed.

[Taub nods and starts to walk away but Thirteen stops him.]

THIRTEEN: [To Taub.] We're all doing this.

HOUSE: There's more?

FOREMAN: You have syphilis. [House looks surprised.]

HOUSE: [Turns off the TV and turns to face them.] No, I
don't.

KUTNER: One of us found a vial of your blood in the lab...

HOUSE: Which one of you?

FOREMAN: It's treatable.

THIRTEEN: We filled a prescription. [Puts a bottle of pills on
Houses desk. House just stares at them.]

KUTNER: You okay? [House doesn't say anything, just kind
of nods, they all leave.]

[aerial shot of PPTH.]

[Cut to Taub, Kutner, Thirteen, Foreman, Chase and
Cameron all sitting outside looking shocked.]

CAMERON: So this is why he is who he is?

TAUB: We don't know.

FOREMAN: We know. It's not just a coincidence.

THIRTEEN: Wilson says he's always been a jerk.

TAUB: But he got worse.

CAMERON: After his leg.

FOREMAN: The leg was a coincidence.

CHASE: [To Cameron.] Did you sleep with him? [Cameron
just stares back at Chase and there's an awkward silence for
a few seconds.]

THIRTEEN: So what's going to happen? What's going to
change?

KUTNER: Maybe he'll be less of a jerk.

CAMERON: Or less of a doctor.

KUTNER: You got to be a jerk to be a good doctor?

CAMERON: I don't know, maybe House does.

CHASE: [To Cameron.] Why aren't you answering me?

CAMERON: Because it's none of their business. It's none of
your business.

CHASE: I think the STD makes it my business.

CAMERON: Humans are complicated.

FOREMAN: Humans are simple.

CAMERON: A million different things make us who we are,
you change one, you change everything. If Mozart was
better adjusted, decides to play catch one day, maybe
there's no magic flute.

CHASE: You did, didn't you?

[Cut to House walking into Wilson's office.]

HOUSE: There's something I need to tell you.

AMBER: You returned him drunk. [House turns around
startled and sees Amber sitting on a chair behind him.]

HOUSE: On time.

AMBER: Drunk.

HOUSE: On time. No tag backs.

AMBER: The purpose of the time was to give me time.

HOUSE: So you didn't have sex?

AMBER: I like sex.

HOUSE: Well you can have it tonight. The L Word is on.

AMBER: You don't get to decide what matters. Either you're
genuinely afraid I'm going to make him miserable, or you're
afraid I'm going to make him happy, or you simply can't
stop screwing with anything that moves. It doesn't really
matter, because whatever the reason, you'll only get worse.
Until either I stop seeing Wilson, or I stop you. [Stands up.]
What do you think I'm going to choose?

HOUSE: If you terminate the agreement, it's not going to
bring peace in the mideast.

AMBER: I'm not terminating the agreement. I'm amending
the agreement. I'm adding penalty clauses.

HOUSE: Fine. Whoever violates it gets their finger cut off.

AMBER: I'm serious.

HOUSE: So am I. You want people to drive safer, take out
the airbags and attach a machete pointing at their neck. No
one will drive over three miles per hour.

AMBER: I'm not cutting...

HOUSE: We'll figure it out. On your time. [House opens the
door. Amber sighs, kisses Wilson goodbye and leaves.
House shuts the door again and turns back to Wilson.] You
know she's certifiable right? I've got the forms in my desk.

WILSON: Where is she wrong? [House hangs he's head.]
What were you going to tell me?

HOUSE: Nothing.

WILSON: You're punishing me?

HOUSE: I needed to tell you something... privately.

WILSON: I'm not going to tell her.

HOUSE: You'll tell her. She's your girlfriend, you should tell
her.

WILSON: You're my friend.

HOUSE: It's not the same. [Opens the door and starts to
leave.]

WILSON: Don't sulk.

HOUSE: Where am I wrong? [Shuts the door behind
himself.]

[Cut to House sitting in his office staring out the window
while Foreman gives him a performance review.]

FOREMAN: Your management style is counterproductive.
You gave me authority over the team, just so they could
undercut...

HOUSE: Critiquing the clap addled? That's sort of tasteless.

FOREMAN: I didn't feel like waiting until your genitals
cleared up. You need to formalise my authority over the
team.

HOUSE: No, I don't.

FOREMAN: You don't think I'm qualified?

HOUSE: Compared to those three?

FOREMAN: You want to punish Cuddy for hiring me
without...

HOUSE: I like Cuddy. I like parts of her.

FOREMAN: You want to crush the team by crushing me?

HOUSE: I want to empower them. Those three idiots need
to respect you. They should respect you, they should be
afraid of you, so I have to humiliate you, because if the
team fears you, they won't question you. If they don't
question you, they won't get any answers, if they don't get
any answers, they're useless.

FOREMAN: Mocking me saves lives?

HOUSE: The hospital will probably build you a statue one
day. You know, with a 'kick me' sign on the back. So when
you think about it, the more I mock you, the more it shows I
have respect for you.

FOREMAN: Or you made up that BS because you like
humiliating me.

HOUSE: Wouldn't rule that out completely.

[Taub appears at the door.]

TAUB: You busy?

HOUSE: Almost done. [To Foreman.] Uh, so just remember,
the rabbit goes around the tree and jumps down the hole.
[Ties his shoelaces up.]

TAUB: Negative for sarcoidosis.

HOUSE: Run him for everything you can think of. Lepto,
schisto, hemo, and the fourth Marx brother nobody ever
heard of.

[Cut to Deb walking into Jeff's room with lunch.]

JEFF: You bitch!

DEB: [Startled.] I just went to get us some lunch, you were
asleep.

JEFF: [Still angry.] You moved my book.

DEB: Jeff, calm down. It's just the drugs.

JEFF: The drugs didn't move my book... [Clutches his chest.]

DEB: Jeff? [Runs over and starts performing CPR. Yells out
to no one in particular.] My husband's having a heart
attack. Can somebody help me please? [No one responds so
she yells louder.] Somebody help me, please! [Eventually
Taub notices and goes running in to help.]

[Cut to everyone in the Diagnostics office.]

KUTNER: She saved his life.

HOUSE: Or she scabbed. Depends on your point of view. So
what do we think? New symptom? Or just a wife beater?
[To Kutner] Hey, time for you to take this baby for a spin.
[Throws the whiteboard marker to him, Kutner gets up
looking pleased with himself. House takes his seat and
moves it closer to Thirteen.]

KUTNER: [Starts writing on the board.] We, uh, loaded him
full of prednisone to try to fix the liver.

HOUSE: Good news is, he's running out of organs to fail.

KUTNER: Prednisone could cause Roid rage, which could
cause hypertension, which results...

TAUB: Roid rage after six hours?

HOUSE: At that rate, by sundown, he'll have eaten most of
us.

TAUB: [Half laughs.] Uh, it still could be penicillin, allergic
reaction.

THIRTEEN: How does a fried liver put him into a rage?

TAUB: It's not frying his liver, it's frying his syphilis. The
penicillin's working, the real patient is emerging.

HOUSE: So... syphilis prevents domestic violence. I'm going
to be even more attractive to the ladies.

THIRTEEN: I was going to test for a heart issue before the
syphilis. PFO could explain the heart attack and reduced
blood flow to the brain could explain the rage.

HOUSE: Well, they're all good ideas. [Foreman raises an
eyebrow.] Okay, let's take a vote. How many think it's the
roids talking? [Taub sticks up his hand.] And who's for the
penicillin? [Kutner] And how about whatever she said?
[Thirteen. House looks at Foreman.] Someone hasn't raised
their hand.

FOREMAN: [Suspicious.] Whatever I decide? [House nods.]
You're setting me up.

HOUSE: [Laughs.] Why would I do that?

FOREMAN: [Shrugs.] PFO.

HOUSE: The PFO's have it. [Everyone gives House a weird
look.] I just hope the bubble test is positive or it's no more
Mr. Nice Guy. [Everyone stares at House for a few more
seconds before leaving.]

[Cut to Taub, Kutner, Thirteen, Foreman, Chase and
Cameron all in the Doctors lounge.]

KUTNER: We gave Van Gogh chelation therapy. Turned him
into a house painter.

TAUB: Maybe not, maybe we just put Hitler on Ritalin.

CAMERON: Are you comparing House to Hitler?

CHASE: Oh god.

CAMERON: Just because I don't think he's Hitler doesn't
mean I slept with him. I don't sleep with everyone who's
better than Hitler.

FOREMAN: Maybe Taub is right, maybe this is good.

THIRTEEN: This is not good.

FOREMAN: Well, he respected our opinions, he mocked
himself, he was civil, he shared.

THIRTEEN: He didn't care.

FOREMAN: He never cares.

THIRTEEN: He didn't vote. He always cared about one thing,
solving the puzzle but he was irrelevant to that diagnosis.
He had no opinion of his own. He now cares about nothing.

CHASE: You had no choice, you had to treat him. What's
done is done. [Leaves.]

[aerial shot of PPTH, dusk.]

[Cut to House walking up to Wilson at the nurses station.]

HOUSE: You know that thing I was going to tell you, I've got
to tell you. I've got to tell someone. You have to swear not
to tell CB.

WILSON: [Shrugs.] Whatever.

HOUSE: Well, that's not swearing, that's shrugging. It's
actually the opposite of swearing.

WILSON: I won't tell Amber.

HOUSE: My team thinks that I have syphilis.

WILSON: [Surprised.] Do you?

HOUSE: Not yet.

WILSON: Why do they think you do?

HOUSE: Because I knew that they had access to an old
blood sample, and I knew they'd test it sometime for
something.

WILSON: Why would you swap your blood? What are you
afraid they'll find?

HOUSE: [Rolls his eyes.] Shut up, you're missing the point.
Now, they think that I'm on penicillin.

WILSON: [Looks confused.] Is this some clever practical joke
that I'm not aware of?

HOUSE: And as I get better, I get nicer.

WILSON: [Suddenly getting it, laughs.] That's brilliant.
[House smiles.]

HOUSE: Foreman thinks I actually value his opinion. [Wilson
laughs more.] Thank god he said PFO, or I'd have had to do
some dancing. You got time for bowling? [Wilson doesn't
say anything.] Come on, it's work hours.

WILSON: I'll get my shoes. [Turns to walk away but stops.]
So we don't need to talk about...

HOUSE: No.

WILSON: So you're going to keep screwing...

HOUSE: Yeah, and you're going to keep talking about it. We
are who we are.

WILSON: [Sighs.] I'll get my shoes.

[Cut to Kutner and Taub doing an ultrasound on Jeff.]

KUTNER: Okay, got a good view of the heart.

TAUB: What if we lower House's dosage? Maybe stabilise
him, he doesn't get worse, he doesn't get better.

KUTNER: Quite the line to walk, if we're wrong he dies of
neurosyphilis.

TAUB: If we don't, other people die.

KUTNER: Other people who aren't our boss.

TAUB: People.

KUTNER: This sucks, the guy had a gift. I'd kill... [Amber
walks in.] Hi, what...

AMBER: House doesn't have syphilis, he switched the blood
samples.

TAUB: How do you know that?

AMBER: House told Wilson, I wanted to ruin House's day.
See ya. [Leaves.]

TAUB: We're idiots.

KUTNER: We're not idiots, positive blood test means
positive blood test.

TAUB: Apparently not. [Looks at the screen.] There they
are, let's see if they... [Kutner walks off.] Uh, what are you
doing? We're not done.

KUTNER: He doesn't have syphilis. [Continues leaving.]
TAUB: [To himself.] I know.
[Cut to Kutner and House in the hallway.]
KUTNER: Patient tested positive for syphilis, right?
HOUSE: Is this some sort of recap?
KUTNER: But why did he test positive for syphilis?
HOUSE: Oh! Uh... I know this.
KUTNER: Either one, he has syphilis...
HOUSE: I was going to say that.
KUTNER: Or two, the test was wrong twice, or three, he
gave us someone else's blood. [House stops.]
HOUSE: Who?
KUTNER: [Smiling.] Amber.

HOUSE: Get that idiotic smile out of my face. I've got to go
on a killing spree.
KUTNER: Or, four, he has something that tests positive for
syphilis.
HOUSE: [Sighs.] It's not chagas.
KUTNER: He worked in Costa Rica before he was married.
HOUSE: Is two a spree, or do I have to kill you too? Chagas
wouldn't explain the niceness.
KUTNER: I've heard of remote tribes that actually practice
acts of kindness, or the chagas caused encephalitis.
HOUSE: The MRI showed no signs...
KUTNER: Until we started him on steroids, compromised
the immune system and let the infection flare up. I did
another one. [Shows House.] It's not much.
HOUSE: [Looks at it.] It's plenty. You figured this out
because I don't have syphilis? [Kutner shrugs.] Damn. That
should have been my epiphany.
[Cut to House and Kutner walking into Jeff's room.]
HOUSE: Good news, bad news. Good news is we know what
you have, it's treatable, you're going to live. [Both Deb and
Jeff smile.]
JEFF: Really?
DEB: What's the bad news?
HOUSE: The cure is a grueling course of pills. It's like one a
day for a month.
JEFF: Now you're just trying to make me laugh.
HOUSE: Yeah, like that's a challenge.
KUTNER: You have chagas disease. It's a parasite, it's been
asymptomatic for ten years.
HOUSE: Well not quite. Your brain's been swollen, not
enough to see but enough to alter your personality.
DEB: Now we're back to that.
HOUSE: He screamed at you, you don't think he can
change?
DEB: That was because of the drugs.
HOUSE: So you think drugs are more powerful than
parasites? [Realises that's exactly what they are about to
give him.] I mean... The ones we're going to give you to
treat the parasites obviously are but... I stand by the
principle.
DEB: [Looks at Jeff then back at House.] I'm not worried.
KUTNER: [Smiles.] Neither am I.
HOUSE: [Shrugs.] Neither am I, but that's because I don't
care.
[Cut to House walking into Cuddy'd office. He hands her a
file.]
CUDDY: [Opening it.] Reviews?
HOUSE: It was brought to my attention that on occasion, I
am not respectful of hospital hierarchy. [Sticks a lollypop in
his mouth.]
CUDDY: The word was "contemptuous." [Reads over the
first review.] Well phrased, thoughtful. [Flips to next page.]
Identically phrased. [Keeps flicking through.] These are all
the same.
HOUSE: Because, underneath it all, we are all the same.
And Foreman refused to type his up.
CUDDY: [Puts the file down.] Well, it's more than I
expected.
HOUSE: There's an extra one in there.
CUDDY: [Picks it up again and finds the extra one, starts to
read it.] Your treatment of patients is non-existent because
you're not a doctor, you're an administrator.

HOUSE: Foreman convinced me that these can be helpful.

CUDDY: [Continues reading.] Your management of
employees is, well, let's face it, they're outside carrying
signs. [Stops reading and puts it down.] The strike ended,
the nurses have been back for two shifts already.

HOUSE: You'd think I'd have noticed. What exactly did they
do around here? [House picks up the review and continues
from where Cuddy left off.] You act like employees should
fear and respect you, but your eyes tell us... [Looks up at
Cuddy.] Actually your eyes tell us nothing because we're
looking at your boobs. [Goes back to reading.] Which tell us
that you're desperate to have someone jump on you and
tell you they love you one grunted syllable at a time. What
you want, you run away from. What you need, you don't
have a clue. What you've accomplished makes you proud,
but you're still miserable. [Hands it to her.] Please sign.

CUDDY: [Smiles.] I got a call from Amber today. Says there's
been a violation of your contract. You've been seeing
Wilson on her time.
HOUSE: She breached confidentiality. You can let it slide,
officer. We're even.
CUDDY: Yes, you are. You're both losing fingers.
[Cut to Deb walking into Jeff's room, Jeff is sitting up and
eating and looking much better.]
DEB: Look what I found. [Shows him a small jar of ketchup.]
JEFF: Nice.
DEB: They think you might be able to come home
tomorrow.
JEFF: Oh, yeah? That's good. [Takes a bite of food and
makes a weird face.]
DEB: What's the matter?
JEFF: The ketchup. There's something wrong with that.
DEB: [Dips her finger in it and tastes it.] Tastes fine. Is
anything else?
JEFF: Everything else is great. I just... I don't know. I guess I
don't like ketchup anymore. Wonder what else I don't like.
[Deb looks worried while Jeff continues to eat.]
[Cut to House and Amber changing a patient's sheets.]
HOUSE: Roll over. [Patient rolls over with some help from
Amber.]
AMBER: We need a tougher punishment.
HOUSE: Want to come over to the poopy side? Where are
you two going Friday night?
AMBER: Dinner at L'auberge.
HOUSE: [Stares at her.] You're lying.
AMBER: [Smiles.] Of course I am.
[Camera pans out and we see Wilson watching through the
window. He smiles to himself.]
[End.]




414 - 414 Script VO
[Open on scrub area outside an OR. Dr. Brock is in scrubs.
He is taking a swig from a flask. Marie, a nurse, approaches
him.]

Marie: Brock? What are you doing?

Brock: Getting ready for surgery. Whats it look like?

Marie: Youre operating on my sister.

Brock: And my fianc.

Marie: Youre drunk. You could kill her.

Brock: Its the only way to stop my hands from shaking. I
need to drink. For Anna.

Marie: What about our baby.

Brock: Our baby?

[She nods slowly. Brock squeezes his eyes shut and the
camera pulls back to show him, on a TV monitor, collapsing
to the floor. Its the set of Prescription Passion, Houses
favorite soap opera. Brock is Evan Greer, an actor, and the
nurse is his costar.]


Marie: Oh, my God! Are you okay? [there is blood on
Brocks mouth+ Brock, speak to me. Oh, my God. Um. I, I,
I, I think hes really hurt.

Director: Cut.

Technician: *voice over+ Uh, we can edit that word out

Marie: Uh, that was scary. I thought there for a second you
were really

Evan: Then you gotta be the only one in the world who did.
[standing] This is ridiculous.

Director: It was great, Evan.

Evan: No it wasnt. It was crap.

Director: The fans are gonna love it.

Evan: The fans are crap. Im crap. This whole damn show is
crap! Sorry. Not your fault.

[Cut to Evan leaving the studio, in slow motion. He signs a
few autographs and gets into the back of a black town car.
The car starts to move.]

Evan: Um. Where are you going? My apartments on the
West Side. *to the back of the drivers head+ Excuse me. You
need to go the other way. Hey, did you hear what I said? [as
he reaches for the car door, the lock drops down] What the
hell is going on here? What do you want?

House: [driving the car] An autographed picture would be
nice. Oh And Im also gonna save your life.

[Evan tries to get out of the car as it pulls away, tires
squealing.]

[Opening credits]

[Cut to the ER entrance. Two EMTs wheel a patient in.
Cuddy is there with Dr. Jaime Conway, a hospital inspector.]

Conway: You might want to think about repositioning the
crosswalk. Its technically not a violation, but the closer
they are to the entrance, the more likely they are to be
used.

Cuddy: Makes sense. I actually wasnt expecting you until
next month...

Conway: Thats the problem with planned visits
administrators plan for them. [Cuddy chuckles slightly] The
most recent New Jersey hospital accreditation
requirements

Cuddy: Yeah. Im familiar with

[A car horn blares and the town car screeches up. House
hops out, literally. He touches the brim of his cap in a salute
to Cuddy.]

Conway: Who was that?

Cuddy: I have no idea. Shall we get started?

[As Cuddy steers Conway into the building, House comes
around the car and opens the passenger door. Evan slides
back toward the other door with his feet on the seat, ready
to kick House.]

Evan: Just let me go. I wont press charges. Forget the
whole thing.

House: Thats probably true, seeing as how you have a
brain tumor.

Evan: Youre that nut-job doctor that keeps calling my
publicist.

House: Actually, Im the nut-job head of diagnostic
medicine.

Evan: I run every day. I dont get headaches. Im fine. So, if
you dont mind

[House leans into the car, getting closer and closer to Evan,
who keeps backing away]

House: Actually, I do mind. I dont care if you die. But if
Brock Sterling dies, Anna never finds out hes the father of
Maries baby.

Evan: [yells] Help!

House: *stands, echoing Evan+ Help! Were gonna need a
wheelchair here. *he ducks his head back into the car+
Look, in the last month your average line reading has
slowed from 2.1 seconds to 2.9. Youre pausing more.
Always at the same intervals every seven to nine words.
Which means youre having trouble reading one side of the
teleprompter. Which means a peripheral vision problem.
Which means a tumor in your occipital lobe. Just one test. If
theres nothing wrong, Ill take you right back home.

Evan: *getting out of the car+ Make it cab fare. I dont want
you anywhere near my house.

House: [tossing the keys to a passing employee] Uh, just put
it in my spot.

*Cut to Cuddys office. She is sitting on her desk, addressing
several doctors]

Cuddy: The accreditation board is here to protect us and
our patients. So, in dealing with the on-site inspector,
please behave as though it wasnt also an enormous pain in
the ass. [The doctors start leaving] Chase, Foreman,
Cameron up here, please. Why is House driving a limo.

Foreman: Dont know.

Cameron: Dont have to know.

Chase: Dont care?

Cuddy: Wrong. Until this inspection is over, youre back on
House watch. [points to Foreman, then Cameron] Current
case, past cases.

Foreman: He doesnt have a current case.

Cameron: I have a whole department.

Chase: Are you gonna fire us if we dont?

Cuddy: I was just asking for your help. [Chase is out the
door before she finishes. To Cameron] The last time I
checked the ER, you had the best-kept charts in the
building. The last time I checked the fourth floor janitors
closet, I found Houses charts. He hasnt filed anything since
you left. Now, House may not care whether this hospitals
accreditation gets downgraded, but the people who sign
my paychecks do. So, I repeat, current, past.

Foreman: He doesnt have a current case.

Cuddy: Did he tell you about the limo?

[Cut to exam room. Evan has his face in a frame and is
looking straight ahead. House is slightly behind him, looking
at a computer screen.]

Evan: So I just press this button every time I see a light?

House: It tells me where your blind spots are. So the twins
Theyre gonna turn out to be yours, arent they.

Evan: I told you. I cant talk about that stuff.

House: But you want to be done with this, right?

Evan: *sighs+ Ones mine, ones Julios.

House: I knew it. [pumps his fist] Julio knocked her up
before her appendix burst. You got her after.

Evan: How can you watch that stuff?

House: Cause its awesome.

Evan: Its preposterous. Not one real moment since Ive
been on the show.

House: As opposed to shows that represent the world
exactly the way it is, like I cant think of any.

Foreman: *enters+ Whats going on?

House: Hospital is being inspected and Cuddy dispatched
you to keep an eye on me. [pause] I just parked a town car
in an ambulance bay and, instead of ripping me one, Cuddy
acted like she didnt know me. Its either an inspection or
an aneurysm.

Evan: Whats the test say?

House: As I suspected, you have significant losses in the
upper right quadrant of your visual field.

Evan: Are you serious?

House: No, its a joke. Two guys go into a bar and one has
significant losses in the upper right quadrant of his visual
field. And the other one says, Youre gonna need an MRI to
confirm the type and location of the tumor.

Foreman: That readout says his visions fine.

House: No, it doesnt.

Foreman: Yes, it does.

Evan: You lied to me?

House: I kidnapped you. Youre surprised that I lied to you?
[Evan jumps out of the chair and grabs his jacket] It just
means that the symptoms are intermittent.

Evan: You come near me again, Im calling the police.

Foreman: You kidnapped him?

House: Its sweet that I havent lost the ability to surprise
you.

[Cut to hallway. House is punching a code into a drug cart
and checking the drawers. Wilson limps up. House doesnt
look at him.]

House: Are you mocking me?

Wilson: My back. My back is killing me.

House: Dont care. Busy.

Wilson: Ambers damn mattress.

House: Well that sucks. Dont buy a new one. *He takes a
syringe from a drawer, locks the cart, grabs his cane and
turns to leave. Wilson follows]

Wilson: Are you being sarcastic? Because we are buying
one.

House: Shes incapable of doing anything that matters
without turning it into a zero-sum game.

Wilson: Were buying a mattress for us.

House: Wow. Im faster than you right now. *He uses his
cane to push open an elevator door before it shuts. Evan is
in the elevator. He turns away from House and pulls out his
phone.+ Its all about her and whatever hapless salesman
wanders into her sights. Shes gonna lie, steal and trade
your testes to get whatever she wants. Hold on. I just gotta
do something before he dials the second 1. *He uncaps the
syringe and injects Evan in the back of the neck.+ Youre
going to end up humiliated, [Evan drops to the floor]
holding her purse and going home to sleep on a new
mattress you hate.

Wilson: What the hell are you doing?

House: He needs an MRI.

[Cut to MRI. House is in the computer room with
Thirteen/Hadley and Taub.]

House: Give me one millimeter slices from the cortex down.

Thirteen: Any particular reason you decided to sedate a
patient for a procedure thats completely painless?

House: *trying on Evans sunglasses+ Guy has a history of
violent outbursts during surgical procedures.

Taub: Yeah, on TV. Its Evan Greer. Hes the main stud on
Houses soap. Frontal cortex looks clean. No tumors.

House: Increase the magnification on the occipital lobe. You
watch because you like or because I like?

Taub: I was unemployed. I

House: Bzzt. Sorry. Thats not an answer, thats an apology.
If were ever to come out of the darkness, we have to be
proud

Thirteen: Occipital, frontal and temporal lobes are clean.
Sos the optic nerve. Definitely no tumors.

House: Hes fine?

Thirteen: And awake.

[Evan is moving in the MRI machine.]

Taub: Uh, what should we tell him?

House: See if you can talk him out of suing me.

[Cut to Evan, Thirteen and Taub in a hallway]

Evan: He kidnapped me. He drugged me.

Taub: Perhaps you should go out the back way.

Evan: Im not going anywhere you people tell me to go.

Taub: Its just, someone of your fame, uh I figured fans

Evan: Youre trying to hide me. You dont want me making a
scene.

Thirteen: The hospitals being inspected today.

Evan: And you want me doing you a favor?

Thirteen: Not us! Our Dean of Medicine. And House hates
her. Youd be doing House a favor by complaining.

Evan: Oh.

[Cut to Clinic. Cuddy approaches the desk. An elevator dings
as the doors open. Evan gets off the elevator, trailed by
Taub and Thirteen. He approaches a man in a lab coat.]

Evan: This hospital is staffed with lunatics and criminals.
Excuse me, wheres Dr. Cuddy? *He falls down+ Its my foot.
What did he do to me?

Cuddy: What did House do?

Thirteen: Nothing. I was with him the whole time.

Evan: Its numb. I cant feel it. *Taub and Thirteen help him
up. He takes a step and falls again+ I cant walk.

[Cut to Diagnostics conference room. Cameron is at her old
desk by the wall while House conducts a DDX with the new
fellows.]

Thirteen: Foot numbness has a huge differential.

House: It gets a lot narrower when you add in peripheral
vision problems.

Foreman: Which gets a lot wider when theres no proof he
ever had a vision problem.

Kutner: So, House was wrong about the first symptom, but
the guy just happened to develop a second, unrelated
symptom a few hours later?

Taub: He already kidnapped and sedated a guy against his
will. Makes sense hed also do something to numb his foot
so he couldnt leave.

House: But it doesnt make sense to include the symptom
that he caused in a differential hes so desperate to solve.

Cameron: Unless he didnt mean to cause it.

House: Stick to the filing, sweetheart. Let the doctors do
the doctoring. Either toxins or a vitamin deficiency

Cameron: Im guessing when you drugged him, you didnt
catch him and ease him to the floor. He could have pinched
a nerve in his ankle when he fell. You need to run an EMG
test for motor nerve entrapment or the inspector will own
your ass.

House: Kutner, leave the room. Wait thirty minutes, come
back and tell her the test was negative.

Kutner: Is it okay if I use that time to do the test?

House: Get out of here.

Cameron: [emptying a plastic bag of papers on the desk]
The rest of them can help me with all this stuff.

House: Theyre busy. Which is really annoying because I
wanted to be able to say theyre busy for no other reason
than to screw with you. [he picks a tape out of a plastic
carton he just dropped on the table and shows it to her]
Research.

[Cut to lab. Kutner is running the EMG on Evan]

Evan: So the nutjob was right?

Kutner: Usually is.

Evan: He said I was dying.

Kutner: Hes wrong a lot, too. Thats why we do these tests.
I bet its cool, you know, being the star of a hit TV show.

Evan: Its a daytime soap. It pretty much puts me one step
above dinner theater.

Kutner: Come on. Youre on TV every day. And who cares
what the critics think. Women love soaps.

Evan: You get to take to take pride in your job. Feel good
when you go home at night.

Kutner: Youre entertaining people.

Evan: I dont care.

Kutner: Then youve made a strange career choice.

Evan: Look, Im pandering. I want to be a part of something
that inspires people.

Kutner: So quit. Find something inspiring and do it.

Evan: Its not that easy.

Kutner: Why not?

Evan: Just isnt.

*Cut to doctors lounge. House is watching a tape of his
soap with Foreman, Taub and Thirteen. Brock enters a
room. Marie, the nurse from the first scene pulls open her
uniform top.]

Marie: Its my heart, doctor. Its racing.

Brock: Im sure its nothing. Youre a healthy woman, Marie.

Marie: Shouldnt you examine me?

Brock: Why dont you have Rico do it?

[House is staring at the screen. He lifts the remote to lower
the volume. The soap continues quietly in the background.]

House: You cant tell me you didnt notice that pause.

Thirteen: Sorry.

Marie: Shes never waking up.

House: Ah, this is a whole new experience in super high def.
I had no idea Marie wore an underwire.

Taub: Does sound a little forced. Could be stiffening in his
tongue which is a symptom of myxedema.

Thirteen: Its not the tongue, its the dialog. I think I dated
that nurse, though. [House stares at her and Taub stares at
the nurse on the screen] No.

Foreman: What about the way hes holding that
stethoscope? His thumb and forefinger are meeting at an
odd angle.

House: Could be demylenation from toxic exposure.

Taub: Back it up.

[The door opens and Cuddy enters]

Cuddy: Whats this, the AV club?

Foreman: Its diagnostic. Everythings under control.

Cuddy: Yeah, excellent job so far. House, outside.

[House hands the remote to Thirteen before following
Cuddy to the hallway]

House: Keep watching. Youll never guess what Ricos got in
that box.

Marie: Rico doesnt even know Im alive.

Cuddy: You have an obsession with an actor or the
character he plays. I feel for you. You need to work it out.
But I need you to do it when the hospitals accreditation
and my job are not on the line.

House: You want the star of the hottest daytime drama on
TV to die in your hospital?

Cuddy: No, I want you to cure him without committing any
more felonies.

House: I cant do my job if youre going to tie my hands like
that.

Cuddy: Fifty-one weeks out of the year I let you run around
like a monkey in a banana factory. All Im asking is that you
tone it for a few days.

House: I want that TV.

Cuddy: Were not bargaining.

House: You want something. Either youre bargaining or
youre begging.

Cuddy: Me keeping my job is good for you.

House: Yes, but its better for you. I just want us to be
equally happy.

Kutner: [approaches] EMG was negative for nerve
entrapment. Means the foots a real symptom. Could be
vitamin deficiency.

House: Or a toxin.

Kutner: Or atherosclerosis.

House: Or a toxin.

Cuddy: Why is toxin a better idea?

House: Might not be. Well know after Im finished
searching his set and dressing room for medically relevant
stuff. Gotta go. Need a decision.

Cuddy: Youre not going to cut your own throat.

House: Yeah, that sounds like me. [to Kutner] Test for heavy
metals, organics, biotoxins and search the home.

[Cut to Amber and Wilson lying on a mattress in a
showroom]

Wilson: I like the pillow top.

Amber: I like this one.

Salesman: Great taste. That models top of the line.

Wilson: How much is it?

Salesman: $1,999. Its a great price.

Wilson: And, what about

Amber: Thats too rich for us.

Wilson: I dont know. You think

Amber: Honey, we cant afford that. Not with the baby on
the way.

Salesman: Congratulations. Your first?

Amber: Yes.

Salesman: How about I knock a hundred bucks off. Maybe
throw in free delivery.

Amber: Money is really tight right now. Im a law clerk and
my husband just got laid off. He has an interview today.
Wish him luck.

Salesman: Good luck.

Wilson: Fingers crossed.

Amber: We might be able to afford $1,500.

Salesman: Well, Id have to check with my manager.

Amber: Thanks. I appreciate it. *He leaves. Ambers beeper
goes off. She hand Wilson her bag] Hold this, would you?
911 from work. Better go.

Wilson: So am I getting the hard mattress or do I have to go
to my job interview?

Amber: Whatever mattress you want. Im fine either way.

Wilson: You Really?

Amber: Really. Just as long as I get to help you break it in.

*Cut to Evans dressing room. House is holding an Emmy. He
makes a self-deprecating gesture as if he were pretending
to make an acceptance speech. His phone rings. He checks
the caller ID. His inspection of the dressing room continues
during the phone call.]

House: Pack your manhood on ice. Maybe the hospital can
reattach it.

Wilson: *calling from the store+ You were so wrong. Shes
letting me choose.

House: You choose does not mean you choose.

Wilson: Really? Sounded like you choose. I suppose its
possible she meant House is soooo, so wrong.

House: Its a trap. It means if you love me youll buy the
one I want. *He grabs a handful of shelled sunflower seeds
from a large container, popping them into his mouth while
continuing the conversation.]

Wilson: Amber doesnt do passive-aggressive.

House: People who do aggressive dont like to limit
themselves. Could a leaky space heater cause vision
problems and numbness?

Wilson: Hed of gotten better at the hospital. Its not a trap.

House: Did I hear a question mark at the end of that
sentence?

[He sees Marie and a crew member walk past the dressing
room]

Wilson: House, look, shes

House: Gotta go. [hangs up]

[Cut to mattress showroom]

Salesman: Manager says I can do that price.

[Cut to set. House is walking through it with Marie, eating
more seeds as they walk.]

Marie: The gin bottles are all gifts from fans. Brock Sterling
drinks it on the show but Evan doesnt drink at all. Hes on
this whole health kick right now. Fruits, nuts did you take
those from his dressing room?

House: No. Youre not going to marry Brock, are you?
Weve been waiting four years for him to make it official
with Anna.

Marie: Are you really a doctor.

House: Glioblastoma. Need more proof? So, no toxins on
the set, how about his regular life? Unusual hobbies?
Unsavory friends?

Marie: No. Ive been out with him. Hes as vanilla as they
come.

House: And by out you mean?

Marie: Well, I asked him on a date last month. We went out
a few times but we werent right for each other.

House: Too small or too large?

Marie: Is that medically relevant?

House: Im a doctor and its relevant to me. So, yes.

Marie: We never got that far. We made out a while then he
just said he should go home. Hes a real gentleman.

House: [thinks and looks at the seeds in his hand] Now
thatd be interesting.

[Cut to Diagnostics conference room. House enters.]

House: Hes impotent. *he takes a packet from his pocket
and tosses it on the table] Steady diet of sunflower seeds
causes a B6 toxicity, which causes an autonomic
disregulation, which causes a wood-free existence.

Kutner: One bad night and a couple of sunflower seeds and
hes got autonomic disregulation.

House: Its more than just one. He cant even remember
the last time he was able to salute. Its cool, huh?

Thirteen: B6 wouldnt show up on a tox screen and we
didnt find anything at the house.

House: So all we have to do is filter the B6 out of his blood.
Prep him for plasmapheresis.

Cameron: Just because he didnt salute doesnt mean he
cant.

House: [looks around] And can you find out where that
voice keeps coming from? And tell it to get out of my head.

Kutner: The impotence could be psychological. Hes
depressed. Hates his job.

Thirteen: Plasmapheresis has risks. We should have him
spend the night in the sleep lab. See if he gets a reflex
erection.

House: Confirmation is for wimps and altar boys. We dont
need to wait for a reflex. If he cant get engorged the way
God intended, he cant get engorged.

Cameron: Im not showing him my boobs.

House: Lack of response to your chest tells us nothing.
Thirteen, show him *exhales loudly+ Where can I find a
decent set of knockers around here?

Cameron: Your porns in the second drawer.

[Cut to Evan, lying in a bed, turning a magazine sideways.
Kutner and Thirteen are in the observation room.]

Kutner: All set. Heart monitor, blood pressure monitor and
the one on his junk.

Evan: This is humiliating.

Thirteen: Were going to close the blinds to give you some
privacy. The instruments will let us monitor your response.
[the blinds close]

Kutner: I dont get this guy. He has the coolest gig ever but
hes miserable about it.

Thirteen: But he figures quitting wont do him any good.
Figures hed be unhappy anywhere.

Kutner: Our circumstances affect whether or not

Thirteen: Youre pretty happy in this job, right?

Kutner: Sure.

Thirteen: Have you ever had a job where you were
miserable?

Kutner: I once sold mens fragrances in a department store.

Thirteen: And were you miserable?

Kutner: The pay was awful.

Thirteen: It was a miserable job, but you werent miserable.

Kutner: So, what about you? Are you happy?

Thirteen: Not particularly. Heart rate and BP are climbing.

Kutner: Got some activity on the tumescence monitor as
well.

Thirteen: Theres nothing wrong with his naughty. Its not
B6 toxicity. [She looks up and Kutner gives a tiny laugh] Did
he just finish?

Kutner: Sometimes, uh, when you havent, you know, for a
while

Thirteen: His heart rates through the roof 220 and
climbing. [Evan groans]

Kutner: Hes headed for cardiac arrest.

[Cut to Evan, in the bed, clutching his chest. Thirteen and
Kutner begin to treat him.]

[Cut to Diagnostics conference room the next day.]

Kutner: We shocked his heart back into sinus rhythm. Hes
stable, at least for now.

Thirteen: Could be some sort of atypical sceptic reaction.

Foreman: Not without a fever.

Thirteen: Thus the word atypical.

House: In that case, it could be an atypical bunion.

[Cameron is leaning over the table in front of him, pointing
out places on the charts for him to sign.]

Kutner: He used to smoke. Could be paraneoplastic
syndrome caused by small cell lung cancer.

Foreman: He quit twenty years ago and his calcium levels
are normal.

Cameron: [without pausing from charting] Could be Graves
Disease. Extreme hyperthyroid disease leads to systemic
problems including numbness, vision loss and cardiac
arrest.

House: You want to be here.

Cameron: I have to be here.

House: Just say the word. Ill fire Thirteen.

Cameron: Just sign the forms. [Thirteen looks up]

House: Smart move. I was bluffing. Shes right. We should
fry the thyroid before it fries him.

Taub: Uh I know its more exciting this way, but shouldnt
we confirm youre right before destroying one of the most
important glands in his body?

House: If that gland has drawn a bulls eye on his heart, then
no.

Cameron: Nuking his thyroid puts him at risk for vascular
lesions and all kinds of cancer. Protocol says we should do
an iodine uptake test.

House: [whispers+ We? *aloud+ Anyone else want to run a
useless test while Brocks thyroid plots its next lethal move?
[Thirteen raises her hand. Kutner and Taub follow] It was
rhetorical.

Thirteen: You were sure about B6 toxicity, too.

Foreman: House is right. [House stops writing, mid-
signature]

House: Seriously? I mean, I am, but you think so?

Foreman: If he goes into full-on thyroid storm, hell die. We
gotta nuke his thyroid.

[He stands, followed by Kutner, Taub and Thirteen. House
and Cameron stare at them as they leave.]

[Cut to hallway. Foreman and the new team come around
the corner. Thirteen has her cell phone in her hand.]

Foreman: Hang up the phone.

Thirteen: Why? If were gonna nuke his thyroid

Foreman: Were not nuking the guys thyroid without proof
that its Graves. Do the iodine uptake test.

Kutner: If House finds out

Foreman: When House finds out Well have the test
results. And well either do his procedure, or we wont.

[Foreman walks off. Thirteen, Taub and Kutner get in the
elevator.]

[Cut to the morgue. House is partially hidden by a body on a
slab. Cuddy enters.]

Cuddy: What are you doing here?

House: Just grabbing a snack.

Cuddy: You keep food in the morgue?

House: Well, if I keep it in the lounge, everyone else eats it.

Cuddy: *holding up a food container with someones name
on it+ Thats cause its everyone elses food.

House: Oh. I thought it was just everyone elses bags.

Cuddy: [throwing everything in a covered trash can] The
accreditation board will light us on fire for this.

House: Theyre not going to find out. Unless, of course,
Conway planned on inspecting the morgue in, say two
minutes. *feigning ignorance+ Is that why youre here?

Cuddy: Youre going to get me fired over a sandwich?

House: No. Over a TV. And youre not gonna get fired
because youre gonna fold.

Cuddy: No, I wont.

House: But youre gonna push it. So we need a safe word.
So you can signal your unconditional surrender. [Conway
enters+ Call me Sweet Sauce. *he smiles at Conway and
shakes his hand+ Dr. House. I dont think weve met.

Conway: Dr. Jaime Conway. Ive heard your name.

House: Most people have. Its also a noun. *pause+ I
sometimes come down here to relax, unwind. Maybe grab
a

Cuddy: Sweet Sauce. [Conway stares]

House: Its a nickname.

Cuddy: An ironic nickname. Wow. It is almost two. Arent
you supposed to be

House: Oh, yeah. Yeah. Cause those sick, blind kids arent
going to read to themselves. See ya. [Almost out the door,
he turns back] I recommend skipping C-26. Floater. Been in
the river at least a week.

Conway: Thanks for the warning.

House: Any time. [leaves]

*Cut to Houses office. He is in his Eames chair, watching
two men install a large, flat screen TV. Cameron enters,
carrying two cardboard file boxes.]

Cameron: Doesnt the doctors lounge have that same TV?

House: Nope. Theyve got a 12 inch, exactly like the one
that used to be in here.

Cameron: Files are done.

House: Ill be doing a dance of joy just as soon as my leg is
healed. [to the maintenance men] Can you tilt that down?

Cameron: I know the paperwork annoys you, but patient
records are important. You cant just let them sit there.

House: I had to. In the name of science. I let the crap pile up
and I see which team member is the most self-flagellating
breaks down, clears up the mess. Surprise was, it turned
out to be you. Again. And you werent even registered as a
competitor. You miss me.

Cameron: You miss me. You hired Thirteen to replace me.

House: Yeah, yeah, yeah. All pretty girls are fungible. Youre
avoiding.

Cameron: I miss the job. I miss running around playing
private investigator. I miss... the puzzles.

House: Seriously. Ill fire Thirteen. Or Kutner, if you think
Thirteen is hot.

Cameron: I dont miss you.

*Cut to Evans room+

Evan: That iodine left a really weird aftertaste.

Taub: Thats the tracer. Well have the images in a couple of
minutes. You must do okay with women, huh?

Kutner: I already asked him that.

Taub: And?

Evan: Its not all its cracked up to be.

Kutner: He feels unfulfilled.

Taub: I doubt it.

Evan: Im lying?

Taub: I used to be a plastic surgeon. Id talk about my work
as shallow and meaningless. Truth is, I loved every boob
job, every tummy tuck. Meaning doesnt mean that much.

Evan: But youre not a plastic surgeon anymore.

Taub: Its complicated.

Evan: Are you happier?

Taub: Its complicated.

Kutner: His thyroid looks normal.

Evan: So thats good news, right?

[Taub joins Kutner by the computer]

Kutner: Everything look too bright to you?

Taub: It could be the monitor.

Kutner: Its not the monitor. Its the iodine. Its everywhere.
His bodys not filtering it.

Taub: His kidneys are failing.

[Cut to hallway

House: I told you to nuke his thyroid.

Foreman: Its a good thing we didnt. Kidney failure means
it wasnt graves.

House: So, your test screwed me and our patients kidneys.
You practically poisoned him with iodine.

Foreman: Which he could have handled easily if his kidneys
were healthy. All we did was reveal a new symptom.
Usually youre all for that.

House: Must be the rancid tinge of betrayal thats put me
off.

Foreman: You were wrong.

House: [turning on him] So tell me to my face. You never
hesitated before. The Boards turned you into a coward.

Foreman: I did it because it was the right thing to do.

House: You did it to pass an inspection.

Taub: Does it matter? Kidney failure on top of the other
symptoms points to an autoimmune condition which means
that any of his other organs could be next. Weve already
started dialysis. We need to run ANAs for autoimmune.

House: Youre right. You and the team, go measure the
ceilings.

Taub: Excuse me?

House: Accreditation board guidelines state that no object
can be less than 18 inches from the ceiling. Make sure
were in compliance.

Foreman: Theres nothing in our office that would be less
than

House: I dont mean us. I mean the whole hospital.

[He gets on an elevator, leaving Foreman and Taub looking
at each other.]

[Cut to a wooden door that opens to reveal Wilson and
Amber kissing and moving into the bedroom. Theres lots of
heavy breathing.]

Amber: Lets see how this baby handles.

*They stumble to the bed and flop down on it. Ambers on
her back, Wilsons half on top of her. She opens her eyes
wide and freezes. Wilson doesnt notice at first. He
continues kissing her works his way down to her chest as he
opens her blouse. When he returns to her mouth, he
realizes that she has stopped responding.]

Wilson: What?

Amber: You bought the firm mattress.

Wilson: I thought thats the one you wanted.

Amber: It was. Why would you do that?

Wilson: Because *laughs+ Is this a trick question?

Amber: I left it up to you. You were supposed to get the one
you wanted.

Wilson: I got the one you wanted because I love you.

Amber: No. [she pushes him off and sits up] You did it
because thats what you do. With all your ex-wives you did
whatever they wanted because it was easier and you ended
up resenting them. Dont you dare do that to me.

Wilson: What? Take care of you?

Amber: Have you met me? I can take care of me. I need you
to take care of you. I have work to do.

[She gets up, adjusting her hair and clothes, leaving Wilson
on the bed looking bewildered.]

*Cut to House entering Evans room. He reads from a
supermarket tabloid.]

House: You made it to page 8. Mysterious hospital visit for
soap doc.

Evan: Wow. Ill be sure to send my Mom a copy. They told
me I have an autoimmune disease, like lupus or sarcoidosis.

*House pulls a stool and a cart to Evans bedside. He gets
something out of a cupboard and, as the scene progresses,
draws blood and does other non-painful tests on Evan.]

House: Thats what were here to find out.

Evan: You really as good as everyone seems to think you
are?

House: Are you really as miserable as everyone seems to
think you are?

Evan: I just want to do something that matters.

House: Nothing matters. Were all just cockroaches,
wildebeests dying on the river bank. Nothing we do has any
lasting meaning.

Evan: And you think Im miserable.

House: If youre unhappy on the plane, jump out of it.

Evan: I want to but I cant.

House: Mmm. Thats the problem with metaphors. They
need interpretation. Jumping out of a plane is stupid.

Evan: Well, what if Im not in a plane? What if Im just in a
place I dont want to be?

House: Thats the other problem with metaphors. Yes, what
if youre actually on an ice cream truck and outside are
candy and flowers and virgins. Youre on a plane! Were all
on planes. Life is dangerous and complicated and its a
long way down.

Evan: So youre afraid of change?

House: No, youre afraid to change. Youd rather imagine
that you can escape instead of actually try. Cause if you
fail, then you got nothing. So youll give up the chance of
something real so you can hold onto hope. The thing is,
hope is for sissies.'

Evan: When I get out of here, Im not gonna be afraid
anymore. I mean, how many guys get a second chance?

House: Too many. Half the people I save dont deserve a
second chance.

Evan: Now that Ive got mine, Im gonna set things right. Im
gonna start by being a better father to you. And to your
sister.

House and Evan: And to your other sister.

House: You realize youre reciting lines from last season?

Evan: Were gonna do all the things I promised. Just help
me get out of this bed.

[Machines start beeping. House opens the door and calls to
the nurses station+

House: Cooling blankets in here. This guys brain is about to
boil. [he returns to the bedside. He snaps his fingers twice
to get Evans attention+ Do you know where you are?
Whats your name?

Evan: Dr. Brock Sterling.

[Cut to Diagnostics conference room, the next day.]

Thirteen: Fever rules out autoimmune. Hes sceptic. Hes
got a massive infaction.

Kutner: Weve got him on broad-spectrum antibiotics but
hes slipped from delirium into a coma.

House: Good news is the last time Brock was in a coma, he
fathered two children.

Foreman: We need to identify the infection and get him on
more targeted med, fast.

Kutner: What about pneumococcus? Causes heart problems
and scepsis.

Thirteen: Not with the neuropathies in his foot and eyes.
What about tetanus? It fits.

Taub: He had a tetanus booster last year. Lyme disease?

Kutner: He would have been sore all over.

Taub: Theres a thousand infections that could have caused
this. We can start testing but hell be dead before the
cultures grow.

Foreman: Unless its a fungus. We could see that under a
microscope.

House: Test him for fungi, parasites, all creatures great and
small.

Kutner: Where are you going?

House: To lie down. I need to think.

[Cut to House lying on a floral background with his hands
clasped behind his head.]

House: Could be rat bite fever. But his glands arent
swollen. Which one are you gonna get?

*Hes on a model bed in the mattress showroom.+

Wilson: She told me to get the one I want.

House: So get it. Listeria explains the sepsis, possibly also
the heart problem.

Wilson: But not the numbness.

House: If the listeria caused encephalomyelitis which then
caused the numbness.

Wilson: I want a waterbed.

House: Wow.

Wilson: Ive always wanted one. I know its ridiculous. Its
just Theres something nice about the thought of being
rocked to sleep in water. [pause] No mocking? No Freudian
analysis of how the waterbed is really a great big vagina I
want to crawl into?

House: Im ignoring you because you make me sad. Hes on
ampicillin. Which means if its listeria he would have shown
some improvement.

Wilson: No. Its a whole thing. You need special sheets
and insurance and
-
House: Who cares? You wanted one your whole life. Youre
a grown up. You can afford it. Stores sell them.

Wilson: Most adults dont go through life the way you do,
House, indulging our every whim.

House: You dont deserve to be happy.

Wilson: And yet I am. You?

*House doesnt answer. He has pulled one of the pillows
from behind his head and he is staring at the flower on it.]

Wilson (continues): Amberll think its stupid.

House: It is stupid. [he puts down the pillow and starts to
leave] Live the dream, Wilson.

*Cut to nurses station.+

House: Its not an infection. Its an allergy. Thats why its
not responding to antibiotics.

Foreman: This isnt a soap opera, House. People dont just
wake up from comas the second you give them drugs.

House: Especially if we give them the wrong drugs. Whatd
the tests say?

Foreman: It was negative for fungus and parasites. But that
doesnt mean

House: The more infections we rule out, the more likely it is
that its not an infection.

Foreman: He has no history of allergies or asthma. Most
importantly, none of his symptoms remotely resemble an
allergic reaction.

House: Allergens could trigger an allergic vasculitis. That
would explain the symptoms.

Foreman: One in a million times. Sceptic infection always
explains his symptoms.

House: But an infection is never resistant to every
antibiotic.

Foreman: An infection is rarely resistant

House: And allergy never responds to antibiotics. Never
beats rarely. QED I won. There were chrysanthemums in his
dressing room.

Foreman: My God. Why didnt you say hed been exposed
to plant life.

House: Chrysanthemums contain pyrethrins, a neurotoxin
and a know allergen.

Foreman: He has an infection. If we give him steroids, well
kill him.

House: He has an allergy. If we dont give him steroids, well
kill him.

Foreman: Not as fast.

House: Fast enough. We dont have time for the rest of the
tests. We have to do something. And what were doing
right now isnt working.

[House walks off, leaving Foreman staring after him.

[Cut to pharmacy. House approaches the pharmacist.]

House: A hundred milligrams methylprednisilone.

Pharmacist: Patients names?

House: Its one patient.

Pharmacist: You want to give one patient a hundred
milligrams? Thatll jump-start a car.

House: Perfect. The patients in a 69 Ford Coma.

Pharmacist: Anything over 50 milligrams, I need a sign-off
from Dr. Cuddy. Its protocol. And the inspectors here.

House: I am 99% certain that shell consent. *he heads
behind the counter+ For the sake of the 1%, why dont I
just

Pharmacist: Youre not allowed back here.

House: Well, tell the inspector he can put it on my tab.

[House pulls drugs from the shelf. The pharmacist shakes
his head and picks up the phone. House leaves, hanging up
the phone on his way.]

House (continues): I didnt mean now.

*Cut to Evans room. House is injecting the steroids in
Evans IV line. Cuddy enters and starts checking Evans
chart.]

Cuddy: 100 milligrams of methylprednisilone is an
overdose.

House: We were wrong about the infection. Hes suffering
from a severe allergic reaction.

Cuddy: The team hasnt finished the test for allergy. His
symptoms dont

House: In rare cases Trust me. At the end of this
conversation, Im right.

Cuddy: Then confirm it. Get a blood test.

House: What is it about this severe and deepening coma
that makes you think we got time for protocol?

Cuddy: Protocol has saved your patient from having his
thyroid destroyed and his blood drained.

House: If you think Im wrong, tell me Im wrong. Dont talk
about protocol.

Cuddy: My jobs on the line. Youre job is on the line.

House: Okay. Heres what you do. You wait three minutes,
then you call security. By the time they get here and lock
me up, Ill be done. He gets to live and your ass gets to be
covered.

Cuddy: If he dies, let me know. So I can pack my things.

[Cut to musical montage of PPTH at night. Evan is still in a
coma. Foreman, Cuddy, the new team doing tests with
microscopes, House balancing his oversized ball on his cane
handle. Cuddy enters Houses office.+

Cuddy: Tests are negative. Patients negative for all floral
allergies. [he follows her into the hall where she rings for an
elevator+ Im gonna restart the antibiotics if hes still alive.

*Cut to Cuddy at the nurses station+

Cuddy: Ampicillin, 2 grams IV.

*Pan to Evans room. Foreman is checking on Evan.+

Foreman: Why? The steroids worked. House was right.

Cuddy: The test was negative. [she picks up the chart as
House enters the room]

Foreman: He was still right. It was an allergy.

House: To what?

Evan: Thank you.

House: I was wrong. [to Cuddy] You should have stopped
me. [he leaves]

*Cut to Cuddys office. Shes at her desk, facing the
windows. Conway enters behind her.]

Conway: I heard about Houses patient. Bold move. And
you backed him.

Cuddy: He was right.

Conway: He wasnt even in the same neighborhood as right.

Cuddy: The patients alive.

Conway: Okay. The rules exist because 95% of the time, for
95% of the people, theyre the right thing to do.

Cuddy: And the other 5%?
Conway: Have to live by the same rules. Because everybody
thinks theyre in that 5%. *She stares at him. He opens a
folder as he sits down.] Okay. I notice that, uh, Dr. Chase
[Cut to Amber, asleep in bed. She rolls over and the bed
swooshes. Its a water bed. Wilson isnt there. She sits up.
Cut to the living room. Amber is wrapped in the top sheet.
Wilson is on the floor with a blanket.]
Amber: What are you doing out here?
Wilson: I cant sleep. I hate the waterbed.
Amber: [sitting on the floor, next to him] I actually kind of
like it.
Wilson: No. Its awful. Were returning it tomorrow.
Amber: Okay. *she lies down with him+ Im glad you got it,
though.
Wilson: Me too. I hope theyll take it back.
Amber: They will. [she snuggles closer, he chuckles]
[Cut to House watching Prescription Passions.]
Anna: You promised me youd stop drinking. *a clunk as a
glass hits a table]
Brock: Of course Im drunk, Anna. They told me youd never
wake up from that coma.
Anna: But how could you get engaged to my sister?
Brock: We fell in love. [Brock and House both drink] What
do you want from me Anna? Im just a man.
Anna: And Im just a woman. And as thrilled as I am about
The Lady Slipper being the best nightclub Port Lawrence has
ever seen, doesnt compare to the happiness that I feel
when
[House pauses the picture on Brock taking a drink. He drops
the remote and stands]
*Cut to Cuddys bedroom. Shes asleep and the phone is
ringing. Once she answers it, the scene cuts between her
and House in his office.]
Cuddy: Hello?
House: Dont hang up. What was the verdict?
Cuddy: $200,000 fine.
House: You should have been fired.
Cuddy: Good night, House.
House: There are bubbles in his glass.
Cuddy: Cant this wait until
House: My patient is allergic to quinine. [Cuddy turns on
the light and sits up.]
Cuddy: And you got this from bubbles?
House: The symptoms started two months ago. Its also
when Brock started downing gin and tonics like a Brit
staving off malaria. The gin was fake. The tonic was real.
Cuddy: And tonic water is loaded with quinine. Huh. Nice
job.
House: You shouldve been fired.
Cuddy: Im taking back the TV.
House: I saved his life.
Cuddy: That wasnt the deal.
House: The contract clearly stated no takesy backsides.
Cuddy: Good night, House.
House: What are you wearing.
Cuddy: Good night, House.
House: Good night, Cuddy.
[He closes his cell phone.]
[End]


House`s head
[Opens with House getting a lap dance at a strip club.]

DANCER: Do you like that?

HOUSE: Uh...I dont know.

DANCER: Do you want me to use my butt again?

HOUSE: [House see's a very short flashback of someone
bleeding.+ I dont know how I got here. *Exhales into his
hand and smells his breath.] How many drinks did I have?

DANCER: Your scotch hasnt even arrived yet.

HOUSE: That means I was drunk when I got here. [Looks at
his watch.+ 8:50. *Thinks.+ I remember being at work. Ive
lost at least four hours. [To the dancer.] Say five words.

DANCER: [Still dancing.] What do you mean?

HOUSE: Thats four words. The accepted diagnostic test for
global memory impairment is five random words.

DANCER: Are you okay?

HOUSE: Im...*Dancer sits on his lap.+ Trying to find that out.
Give me five... Animals.

DANCER: Um...Cat. Bird. Monkey. Rhino. Goldfish.

HOUSE: [Closes his eyes.] Monkey, Rhino... [Grabs his
head.+ Either Im massively drunk [Looks at blood on
fingertips.]

DANCER: *Sees the blood on his hand.+ Oh, youre bleeding.

HOUSE: Or its someone elses blood. Do you see a wound?
[Dancer winces as she looks at his scalp.] How bad is it?

DANCER: Its all over.

HOUSE: I have a concussion. Retrograde amnesia. [Pats his
pockets.+ I have no keys, no phone. Ive been mugged.

DANCER: No you havent. You already gave me a twenty.

HOUSE: Did you earn it?

DANCER: Not yet.

[House has a momentary flashback of a woman.]

HOUSE: Someone is going to die.

DANCER: [Looks alarmed and yells toward the bouncer.]
Kenny!

HOUSE: Not you. I saw something, a symptom. Someone is
going to die unless I find them.

DANCER: Who?

HOUSE: I have no idea. Keep the change.

[House walks out of the strip club and hears sirens, walks
out a bit further and sees a bus on its side with fire trucks,
ambulances and police surrounding it. People are being
stretchered off the bus and into the ambulances.]

[Opening credits.]

[Cut to PPTH emergency room. House is being treated by
Cameron and is talking to Wilson. He looks around at all the
injured people and sees another short flashback.]

HOUSE: I saw somebody dying.

WILSON: You saw thirty people flying into glass and metal.

HOUSE: I saw a symptom before the crash.

WILSON: You're concussed. You don't know what you saw
and you don't know when you saw it. A week ago, you
noticed a symptom in a soap star.

HOUSE: Bad argument. Since I was right about that.

WILSON: But your brain obviously thinks it happened last
night. Wires are crossed.

CAMERON: [Finishes pulling stuff out of Houses head.]
That's all of it. A few stitches will hold your brain in place.
[Starts trying to put in the first stitch.]

HOUSE: [Pulls away.] Ow!

CAMERON: Hey! Hold your head still unless you want me to
sew your nose under your eye.

HOUSE: Why was I taking the bus?

WILSON: Because you were drunk.

HOUSE: What if I saw someone and I followed them on
from... Somewhere in Princeton?

[Taub, Thirteen and Kutner walk up to House.]

TAUB: You okay?

HOUSE: Perfect. Uh...Uh...You. [Points to Taub.] Get
histories from everyone in here.

WILSON: Did you just forget his name?

HOUSE: No. [To Thirteen] Lesbian. Find out if anybody on
that bus was taken to other hospitals.

THIRTEEN: You just forgot mine.

HOUSE: No, Thirteen. I just wanted to call you a lesbian.

THIRTEEN: I'm not a lesbian.

HOUSE: I was rounding up, from 50%. [To Kutner] Find my
cane and motorcycle. Figure out where I went last night.

KUTNER: *Pulls out a pen and opens a file.+ Wheres your
cane and motorcycle? And whered you go last night?

HOUSE: Youre going to trust me? I lie about everything.
[The three of them leave.]

CAMERON. Youre staying the night. We need to monitor
your brain for swelling.

HOUSE: How much bigger could it get?

WILSON: You dont think it's [House motions for Wilson to
get the crutch nearby for him. Wilson grabs it and hands it
to House.+ A little weird that theres both a giant crash and
a simultaneous, mysterious symptom sighting? [House
realises something.]

HOUSE: What if its not a coincidence?

WILSON: You mean like the hand of God reaching down and
screwing with you?

HOUSE: That... Or the symptom caused the crash. [Looks
around.+ Did you see anybody in a bus drivers uniform?

[Cut to House pulling a curtain open with the crutch, which
he is using as a cane replacement, to reveal the bus driver,
who is lying in a bed with some blood on him but he is
awake. House takes a quick look and points to a bruise on
his chest.]

HOUSE: Right here. Purpura on Ralph Klamdens neck,
indicative of leukaemia. Caused a bleed in the brain, and
hence the accident.

WILSON: *Moves the bus drivers shirt open a bit more
revealing the bruise is in the shape of a seatbelt.] Indicative
of wearing a seatbelt. Its just a bruise.

BUS DRIVER: I have leukaemia?

HOUSE: No, we just ruled that out, pay attention. [To
Wilson] He probably had a seizure.

BUS DRIVER: I didnt have a seizure. I got hit by a garbage
truck.

HOUSE: Which you drove into while you were seizing.

WILSON: You saw the bus driver exhibiting the initial stages
of a seizure and didnt bother telling him to pull over?

*Something in the distance catches Houses attention.+

HOUSE: Hey! [House walks over to one of the crash victims
being wheeled out in a wheelchair by a nurse.] Nobody
leaves here until I say they can be discharged.

WHEELCHAIR GUY: She said I was

HOUSE: Is she me? [Feels his forehead.] You have a fever.

WHEELCHAIR GUY: No, Im fine.

NURSE: 98.6.

HOUSE: I need him to stay.

NURSE: Pulse is normal. BPs normal. Everythings normal.

WHEELCHAIR GUY: I just have a stiff neck from the crash.

HOUSE: Stiff neck. [Yells to everyone in the ER.] This man
has meningitis. We need to quarantine the whole ER. No
one leaves here until their full workup is complete.

[Cut to House, Taub, Thirteen and Kutner in the Diagnostics
Office, watching the surveillance tape of House leaving the
hospital car park on his bike.]

KUTNER: You left here at 5:23 p.m. Your motorcycle never
made it home.

HOUSE: Well, that covers ten seconds out of the four hours
I cant remember. Where else did you look?

KUTNER: We did pull up a list of all of the injuries. Twenty-
two victims were brought here, injuries ranging from a
broken pelvis to a severed right foot.

TAUB: The other eight were taken over to Princeton
General.

HOUSE: [Looking through the files.] It would be helpful if
these came with head shots and resumes.

THIRTEEN: [Reading off one of the files.] Twenty-something
year-old Jane Doe. Kidney contusion, laceration on her leg

HOUSE: Both of which are expected complications when
someone goes from 60 to 0 in no seconds flat.

TAUB: The weirdest thing weve got is a ruptured spleen.

HOUSE: Okay, new plan. We make a list of all the bars
between here and the crash site. Find out where I went, we
go there

TAUB: On it. [The three of them start to leave.]

HOUSE: Youre not going to do anything, are you?

THIRTEEN: Were going to go to the ER and do our jobs.

HOUSE: Someone is dying because I cant remember

TAUB: When you remember, you can page us.

KUTNER: [Turns back.] The shortest distance between here
and your memory is straight through your prefrontal cortex.
All we have to do is access it.

TAUB: Great idea. Ill build the giant submarine. You get the
miniaturization gizmo.

KUTNER: Medical hypnosis can bring the brain to a class II
theta state, increasing focus and memory retrieval.

HOUSE: Youre not doing to make me do the chicken dance,
are you?

KUTNER: Someone on the surgical department must be
trained.

*Cut to Houses office, where Chase is trying to hypnotize
House with Wilson watching on.]

CHASE: [In a soft voice.] Just relax. Keep letting go of any
intrusive thoughts.

HOUSE: [Lying back with his eyes closed.] So what, you saw
an ad on the back of a comic book?

CHASE: Shh I did a rotation in Melbourne. Focus on the
sound of your breath.

WILSON: You're taxing an already injured brain. Its like
telling him to walk it off after a broken ankle.

CHASE: Wilson is done talking now. [Chase glares at
Wilson.] Visualize the bus. The way it looked. The way it
smelled. The people on it. What they look like.

HOUSE: This is a waste of... [Suddenly House is on the bus,
which is empty.] Time. [Looks around.] Cool. [Chase
appears on the bus in front of him.]

CHASE: Focus on the details.

HOUSE: The bus is empty. [House suddenly sees a hand
waving in front of him. We are back in Houses office and we
see that Wilson is waving his hand in House's face who is
just staring straight ahead.]

WILSON: Is this really working?

CHASE [To Wilson]: Shh. [Resumes talking to House.] Just
focus. Clear your mind. [Back on the bus, now Wilson is
there too.] Think back to how you felt. Details you saw.

HOUSE: [Looks around.] I can't see out the windows, and I
can see you guys.

CHASE: Memories further from the incident should be
clearer. Where were you before you got on the bus?

[Suddenly we see a bunch of liquor bottles, all simply
labeled 'Liquor'. House is sitting at a bar, alone. He downs a
shot of liquor, and then picks up a bottle of beer labeled
'Beer' and starts drinking that.]

WILSON: Why did you get so drunk at five in the afternoon,
alone?

HOUSE: I need a reason? [Looks to his right and Wilson is
sitting next to him.] God, I hate 'beer' brand beer.

WILSON: [To Chase who appears on the other side of
House.] When he's hypnotized, can he lie?

CHASE: He...

HOUSE: I can be mistaken, but I can't actually lie under
hypnosis. [Continues drinking.]

WILSON: [To Chase] Is he lying?

CHASE: No.

WILSON: What are you running away from?

HOUSE: When I'm drinking without you? What am I running
away from? Hmm, One of those imponderables. Can you
hold off on your insecurities until we find this patient?

CHASE: Do you see anyone in the bar?

HOUSE: [Looks around sees some people playing pool,
some just drinking, all of them have no faces.] I see a
faceless crowd. How do I focus? Say something to make me
focus. [Amber appears in the corner.]

AMBER: He's concerned about you. Why does that mean
he's insecure?

HOUSE: [To Wilson] Will you get your girlfriend out of here?

AMBER: It's a legit question.

WILSON: Amber's there? You've got Amber in your head?

HOUSE: You put her in my head. I can't even have a
conversation with you in my subconscious without her
tagging along.

WILSON: Well she better have her clothes on.

HOUSE: [Sighs] Unfortunately. [Pause] I didn't mean to say
that out loud.

WILSON: Say what out loud?

HOUSE: I didn't say it out loud? Nothing.

WILSON: What's going on in there?

HOUSE: [To Chase] If I can't lie, I need these two out of
here.

CHASE: Let's just ignore Wilson and Amber for now, shall
we?

HOUSE: I wish it were that [Notices that Wilson and
Amber have disappeared.] That's some program they got
down there in Melbourne. [He picks up a fluted glass of
what looks like champagne.] Cheers. [House looks up as he
raises his glass and sees the bartender.] I remember the
bartender.

CHASE: Good. Now you're accessing your temporal lobe.
Does the bartender have any odd symptoms?

HOUSE: He seems fine. [Looks around] Anybody here sick?
Anyone here taking the bus?

BARTENDER: You are.

HOUSE: [Looks at the bartender again.] Because... You took
my keys.

CHASE: Good. This is good. Now we can retrace your steps.
Let's go back to the bus. What's in front of you?

HOUSE: [Back on the bus. He can see all the passengers.]
Passengers.

CHASE: Anything, special about them?

[House see's a dark haired woman who smiles at him and
he smiles back, then he notices a guy coughing.]

HOUSE: Some emo guitar hero wannabe.

CHASE: You're focusing on him, why?

HOUSE: [Emo Guy picks his nose.] Because nose picking
could mean nasal pruritus. He's dying.

[Cut to the ER. House walks up to Emo Guy who is being
attended to by Cuddy.]

HOUSE: [To Emo Guy.] You a nose picker?

EMO GUY: Do I have to answer?

HOUSE: If the answer was no, you would have answered.
Tilt your head back.

CUDDY: Hes fine. He doesnt even have meningitis, just like
everybody else weve had to give meningitis shots to. *To
Emo Guy.] You can go.

HOUSE: You have a brain tumour.

EMO GUY: Youre kidding, right?

HOUSE: If I was kidding, Id be dressed like you.

CUDDY: Youre fine. A nurse will sign you out.

HOUSE: Go home. Have fun. Relax. Im probably just a nut
case. [Emo Guy looks at Cuddy.]

CUDDY: [Sighs.] Tilt your head back.

HOUSE: *Looks in Emo Guys nose, sees nothing of interest.+
You can get your things and go.

CUDDY: *To House+ You need to rest. Im admitting you.

BUS DRIVER: *Yelling.+ Oh! Oh! I cant get up. I cant move
my legs.

HOUSE: Your legs are not your biggest problem. Your
biggest problem is... I dont know what your biggest
problem is.

[Cut to everyone in the Diagnostics Office]

HOUSE: So, we have the who, but not the what.

TAUB: Weve only got one symptom to go on. Sudden onset
paralysis.

HOUSE: We actually have two symptoms.

FOREMAN: Only one that we remember.

TAUB: You did a full work up on the guy. Did you find
anything? [House shakes his head.]

KUTNER: CT ruled out subdural hematoma, stroke, or
subarachnoid hemorrhage.

THIRTEEN: Guillain-Barr fits.

HOUSE: [Makes some weird arm movements, everyone
looks at him.+ Im just trying to figure out what Guillain-
Barr looks like.

THIRTEEN: You cant just eliminate everything because it
doesnt match what you might have seen.

HOUSE: How about because it doesnt match what I could
have seen? Guillain-Barr has no external physical
manifestations.

FOREMAN: Everything has some external physical
manifestations, and youre obsessive enough to notice any
of them. Which means theres nothing we can rule out.

KUTNER: Elevated white count means transverse myelitis
is...

TAUB: Sudden paralysis while driving a bus. Thats the sort
of subtle clue that only a genius would have noticed. [Sips
coffee. House has a short flashback of someone on the bus
drinking coffee. House takes Taubs coffee away from him
and sniffs it.]

KUTNER: Are you sure youre feeling okay?

[House puts the coffee down, gets up and starts to leave.]

THIRTEEN: Where are you going?

HOUSE: To smell a bus, obviously. [Taub, Thirteen and
Kutner follow him out. Foreman stays behind.]

FOREMAN: Yeah, Ill uh, start him on antibiotics in case its
transverse myelitis. You guys go sniff a city bus.

[Cut to House in the ER pulling passenger clothes out of a
box and smelling them.]

THIRTEEN: Why are you smelling the passengers clothes?

HOUSE: Smell is the most powerful evokerater of memory.
[Takes a couple of Vicodin.] I need to get back on that bus.

TAUB: Okay. So why are you taking so much Vicodin?

HOUSE: If Cuddy asks, blocking the pain helps focus the
memory.

THIRTEEN: You split your head open, you should rest.
[Hands him another piece of clothing.] Anything?

HOUSE: A hint of... Exploded bus. [Takes another couple of
Vicodin.]

TAUB: House, thats four Vicodin in forty seconds. At this
rate...

HOUSE: [Dumping all the clothes onto the table.] Wish me
luck. Im going in. Rambo style. [Slams his head down in the
clothes.]

TAUB: House, do you think this is going to work, or are you
just stoned?

HOUSE: [Stands up again and now he's back on the bus.]
Both, apparently.

BUS DRIVER: Youre wrong. Its not working.

HOUSE: So, youre saying Im not here. *Walking towards
the bus driver.]

BUS DRIVER: If this were a real memory, youd be limping.
[House looks down and notices that he isn't limping.] And
you wouldnt be talking to me. Im obviously a
hallucination.

HOUSE: Okay. So I went a little heavy on the Vicodin.

BUS DRIVER. Better hope so. Because otherwise, that
means that your brains bleeding.

HOUSE: Were both in my head. Youd think one of us
would have noticed the blood.

BUS DRIVER: Why havent you had a head CT yet?

HOUSE: Who do you want me to treat? Me or you? Did you
have a seizure?

BUS DRIVER: Dumb question. The brains too fried during a
seizure to form memories.

HOUSE: Dumb answer. I wasnt asking you, I was asking me.
Because youve already proven that you're not here.

BUS DRIVER: Im getting a headache.

HOUSE: Is that a clue?

BUS DRIVER: Again, Im not here. Youre getting a
headache. Stop arguing with a hallucination and get some
treatment.

MYSTERY WOMAN: He cant. *House turns around and sees
that same dark haired woman from earlier on, now there
are other passengers around.] The hallucination is your
messed up brains way of reasoning out a problem.

HOUSE: You werent on the bus.

MYSTERY WOMAN: How do you know?

HOUSE: Five hundred dollar shoes. Not on a Princeton
cross-town.

MYSTERY WOMAN: Must be another reason why Im here.

HOUSE: Yes. What do you have to tell me? [Wilson slaps his
hand on Houses shoulder, bringing him back to the
present. House is annoyed.] I was talking to the passengers
on the bus!

WILSON: You were hallucinating. Youre getting an MRI.

[Cut to House in the MRI. He scratches his beard.]

WILSON: [Monitoring the test.] Stop fidgeting.

HOUSE: If you havent found the bleed yet, it cant be

WILSON: Theres edema, and localized swelling in the
section of the temporal lobe that controls short-term
memory. Also, the penis size cortex is set to pathetic. What
didnt you say out loud?

HOUSE: Very little.

WILSON: When you were under hypnosis, you were talking
to Amber?

HOUSE: I wanted to see her naked.

WILSON: Seriously, what were you hiding?

HOUSE: I want to see her naked.

WILSON: You want to see everyone naked. Why would you
hide that?

HOUSE: [Laughs.] Well some guys get upset when you
objectify their girlfriends. But if youre okay, Ive got a
digital video camera. So we could

WILSON: Why would I be upset that youre treating my
girlfriend like you treat every other woman on the planet,
unless...Youre not? Unless its deeper than that. You
WEREN'T objectifying her.

HOUSE: Trust me. I want to do some very nasty, demeaning
stuff to your girlfriend.

WILSON: You have feelings for her. [Pauses as he looks at
the screen] This is bad.

[Cut to Radiology viewing room. Cuddy and Wilson are
looking at the scans while House stands on the other side of
the room with his back to them.]

CUDDY: Its a longitudinal fracture of the temporal bone.

HOUSE: I banged my head.

CUDDY: This isnt just a boo-boo.

HOUSE: Ill rest once Ive figured out whats wrong with this
guy.

WILSON: Why? Why this guy? You want patients with weird
undiagnosed symptoms? You get five files like that on your
desk every morning and youd never risk your life for them.
[House turns around.] Why is this guy so special, so that
you become Batman?

HOUSE: I dont know.

CUDDY: Maybe its because you have a cracked skull, and
youre not yourself. Go home. Go to sleep. *House nods.+

[Cut to the Cafeteria. House is scribbling notes on a pad:

Thymoma Twitch in the hands
Legionnaires
Thyroid cancer

Lymphoma
Myoclonic jerk
Thyroid

Myelitis

He puts some question marks next to Legionnaires and then
circles it. Writes something else on the pad and then draws
an arrow from Lymphoma to Thymoma. He turns the page
over and suddenly gets a bad migraine. He puts his head in
his hands for a few seconds and then goes back to what he
was doing.]

[Cut to Bus drivers room. Thirteen and Foreman are
helping him stand.]

BUS DRIVER: My legs are holding.

THIRTEEN: Good, now put all your weight on your right leg.
*House enters.+ The antibiotics are working. Its TM.

FOREMAN: Its two in the morning. You should be home
resting whats left of your bruised brain.

HOUSE: Recoverys too fast.

THIRTEEN: What, the fact that hes getting better is
evidence that were wrong?

BUS DRIVER: [Groans] I need to sit. [They help him back
onto his bed.]

FOREMAN: Recovery slow enough for you now?

BUS DRIVER: Its my stomach. Oh... *Lies down on his back.+

HOUSE: Which means its not transverse myelitis.

THIRTEEN: Rapid onset. It could be a perforated ulcer.

HOUSE: Wouldnt explain the paralysis. Addisons, from a
tumour. Its possible that I saw his eyelids droop.

FOREMAN: Weve scanned his head five times. *Looks at
House and notices blood dripping from his ear.+ Youre
bleeding.

HOUSE: A little thing called a bus crash. Its just a scalp
laceration. It could be hidden in his optic chiasm.

FOREMAN: Its coming from your ear. You think thats a
good thing?

HOUSE: [Ignores Foreman.] But that would have affected
his eyesight. I need to take a bath.

[Cut to Sensory Deprivation tank room. House is standing in
a tank of water pouring salt in while thirteen watches on.]

THIRTEEN: Hallucinations and smells were kind of working,
right? Why the bath?

HOUSE: Hypnosis gave me a nose picker. Smells set off
hallucinations. Sensory deprivation should get the brain
into an alpha-theta phase. [Hands the rest of the salt to
Thirteen and then takes off his shirt.+ Didnt you see Altered
States?

THIRTEEN: I dont think I was even born when that movie
was out.

HOUSE: Well then youre too young to be a doctor. That
movie was released in 1980.

THIRTEEN: That was twenty-eight years ago.

HOUSE: No, it wasnt, shut up.

THIRTEEN: Did you just forget what year it is?

HOUSE: No. I just remembered how old I am. [Gets into the
tank.] I need to give my brain time to transition so I can
embrace my inner monkey. Or maybe I dont. Give me
some physostigmine. It crosses the blood-brain barrier.

THIRTEEN: And act like a nerve gas, stop your heart, youll
go to heaven and be omniscient. Good idea. Not going to
happen. [Starts closing the lid. House stops her.]

HOUSE: Dont do anything. Even if I escape. Eat a goat. Get
shot by police

THIRTEEN: Wasnt born yet means I wont be entertained
by further reference. [Closes the lid as House lies down.]

[Cut to House on the Bus, Cuddy is sitting nearby.]

CUDDY: I didnt know you rode the bus.

HOUSE: I used to drive home after getting drunk, but some
mothers got MAD-D. What are you doing here? You werent
on the bus with me.

CUDDY: [Gets up and walks over to House.] Then I guess
this isnt a memory. Its a fantasy.

HOUSE: If its a fantasy, youd be wearing... This. *Cuddy
clothes suddenly change to a much skimpier outfit.]

CUDDY: Youre convinced your patient is dying, and you
want to waste your time with a sex fantasy?

HOUSE: Dont blame me. Blame my gender.

CUDDY: Well, Im not here to indulge that. Im here to help
you figure out what symptom you saw. Your patient was
driving the bus, so all you could see

HOUSE: Why cant you do both?

[Cue cheesy strip tease music as Cuddy starts to dance
around a pole that just appeared, the bus has now
morphed into a strip club.]

CUDDY: Your patient was driving the bus, so all you could
see was him sitting down. Most likely facing forward.

HOUSE: [House smiles as he watches Cuddy.] From behind,
I saw his earlobes wiggling. Or his head bobbing. [Cuddy
takes off her top and drops it on House's face. House sits
stunned for a few seconds and then takes it off his face, as
Cuddy gives him a nice look at her ass.] But not that.

CUDDY: Could indicate aortic insufficiency.

HOUSE: Marfans syndrome.

CUDDY: Or syphilis. [Takes off her skirt. She is now just
wearing her white bra and underwear - which are glowing
under the black light - and her black stilettos as she swings
around the pole to face House again.]

HOUSE: What if his earlobes were just drooping?

CUDDY: Ehlers-Danlos?

HOUSE: Or cutis laxa.

CUDDY: Its not fatal in adults. *She turns around. With her
back to House she unclips her bra.]

HOUSE: Yeah, yeah, yeah. Hes an adult, very good point.
Keep going. [She holds her bra up and turns around to
House again who is leaning forward watching very closely.]

CUDDY: Im distracting you. *She stops dancing, and sits
down beside House. Shes wearing a suit again.+

HOUSE: [Screams.] No! Dance, woman!

CUDDY: Youd rather be diagnosing.

HOUSE: I screamed no.

CUDDY: And your own subconscious ignored you. Because
youd rather fantasize about finding symptoms. How
screwed up is that?

BUS DRIVER: Hey, over here. [House looks up at the bus
driver and Cuddy disappears.+ Remember me? Im the sick
guy. [House gets up and walks over, without limping.]

HOUSE: Tell me what I saw.

BUS DRIVER: Was it the blood dripping from my ear?
[Shows House his ear which is dripping blood.]

HOUSE: That doesnt make sense. Because your shirt wasnt
stained. And because that was me. *Houses ear starts
bleeding.]

BUS DRIVER: I could have had a subtle hemiballismus,
indicating the early stages of Huntingtons.

HOUSE: Huntingtons wouldnt explain the abdominal pain.
And its only on the table because were thinking of
Thirteen.

BUS DRIVER: A shuffling gait could suggest Parkinsons.

HOUSE: Except theres no such thing as shuffling sitting.

MYSTERY WOMAN: [Appears behind him.] He moved when
he helped the old lady up the steps.

HOUSE: [Turns around and walks over to her.] Who are
you?

MYSTERY WOMAN: Im the answer. Look.

HOUSE: At what?

BUS DRIVER: Here. [House turns around, the bus is full of
people and the Bus Driver is helping an old lady up the
steps.]

HOUSE: [To Mystery Woman.] You were right. [Turns
around and is suddenly blinded with light, which brings him
back to the present as Foreman, Cuddy, Wilson, and
Thirteen open the lid to the tank.]

CUDDY: Help him up.

HOUSE: *Jumps up.+ I got it! Its Parkinsons.

THIRTEEN: House. Your ear.

HOUSE: Start him on levodopa.

WILSON: You should sit down.

[House throws up.]

CUDDY: House!

[House collapses. They manage to catch him as he falls into
the tank and passes out.]

*Cut to Houses apartment. House wakes up with a nurse
shining a light in his eyes.]

HOUSE: Get that out of my face.

NURSE: Welcome back. Im Nurse Dickerson.

HOUSE: I dont need your name. And I got your profession
from your super competent technique of melting my
retinas.

NURSE: Verbal faculties seem to be intact. Do you
remember passing out?

HOUSE: I remember puking on Cuddys shoes. *Turns his
head.] Ow.

NURSE: Yeah. Skull fractures tend to hurt.

HOUSE: Itd hurt a lot less if you didnt swipe my pain pills.

NURSE: Dr. Cuddys orders. Wants me to regulate the
amount

HOUSE: [Sees a security guard standing near the door.]
Wait a second, you brought muscle?

NURSE: Dr. Cuddys orders.

HOUSE: Means I was wrong. My patient doesnt have
Parkinsons. Cuddy knows thats the only reason I wouldnt
want to stay here with my pain pills, porn, and you forever.
[Tries to sit up, Nurse Dickerson pushes him back down.]

NURSE: Vomiting means your brain injury is getting worse.

[Cut to Diagnostics Office. Kutner is look at House's MRI.]

KUTNER: Houses skull fracture extends all the way down to
his ear canal.

FOREMAN: House is being looked after. Our other patient
has jaundice, low albumin, and no diagnosis.

THIRTEEN: Wilsons disease.

FOREMAN: Thank you. But Wilsons wouldnt explain
[Phone rings and he answers it.] Foreman.

HOUSE: [Lying on his couch using his mobile.] How did you
eliminate Parkinsons?

FOREMAN: Well, the tests confirmed the abdominal pain
was caused by liver failure.

HOUSE: I assume youve already ruled out hepatitis and
Wilsons.

KUTNER: You should really be resting.

THIRTEEN: Give him five minutes. Brainstorming a few
possibilities isnt going to explode his brain.

HOUSE: Then if shes wrong, that makes this phone call that
much more exciting. What about hepatic fibrosis?

FOREMAN: Cant be, his alk-phos was normal.

TAUB: It could be thyrotoxic periodic paralysis.

HOUSE: Did I mention this diagnosis needs to make sense?

FOREMAN: Why doesnt it make sense? The bus drivers
Asian, his potassium is slightly low

HOUSE: If he got paralysed while driving the bus, dont you
think I would have gotten off at the next stop?

THIRTEEN: Not if the next stop was at a 90 degree angle
into an SUV.

HOUSE: The bus would have slowed, I would have noticed

NURSE: Phone calls over. *Tries to take the phone off
House, he switches hands to avoid her grasp.]

TAUB: TPP has all the confirmed symptoms. Theres no
downside to testing.

HOUSE: Genetic test is too slow. [Nurse takes phone away
from him so he yells out.] Run the bagel test!

[Cut to Cardiology testing room. The Bus driver is on a
treadmill and eating bagels.]

BUS DRIVER: How many more bagels do I have to eat for
this to work?

THIRTEEN: High carbs plus exercise is the quickest way to
confirm TPP.

BUS DRIVER: Ive been on this for half an hour. Im not
going to collapse again.

THIRTEEN: Up the speed.

TAUB: Keep eating.

*Kutners phone rings.+

KUTNER: [Answers it.] Yeah?

HOUSE: [In his bathroom using a different phone.] So the
carbo-loading marathon isnt working. *Kutner looks around
surprised.] Stop looking around suspiciously. To answer
your next two questions, no, I am not there, and yes, you
are completely predictable. If the test had worked, you
would have called to put my delicate brain at ease. [Nurse
knocks on the bathroom door.]

NURSE: I told you not to lock the door.

HOUSE: [Yells out.] Still wiping! [To Kutner.] Put the phone
up to bus drivers grill. *Kutner does as hes told and House
listens to the bus drivers breathing.+

NURSE: Who are you talking to?

HOUSE: My large colon. [To Kutner.] TPP is not consistent
with your patients laboured breathing.

KUTNER: The patient has laboured breathing because hes
been on a treadmill for the last thirty minutes.

NURSE: Did you take my cell phone?

HOUSE: My large colon did. Im negotiating its release.

BUS DRIVER: Help!

HOUSE: Whats happening?

[Bus driver collapses. They put an oxygen mask over his
mouth as he takes some deep breaths.]

KUTNER: The test worked. He collapsed.

HOUSE: Youre half right. Hes wheezing, isnt he?

KUTNER: Yeah.

HOUSE: You cant wheeze without moving your chest
muscles. This isnt TPP.

KUTNER: Then what is it?

HOUSE: Well how am I supposed to know? Im not there!
[Hangs up the phone.]

*Cut to Bus Drivers room. The team is performing an
ultrasound.]

TAUB: Right heart strain, hes still not oxygenating.

KUTNER: It must be a pulmonary embolism. [Cuddy walks in
with House.]

HOUSE: So why havent you pushed a vial of tPA?

KUTNER: You let him back in?

CUDDY: I asked him back in.

HOUSE: At the tail end of me patiently explaining how you
idiots were idiots.

THIRTEEN: We pushed tPA ten minutes ago.

HOUSE: That means its not a clot.

TAUB: It has to be a clot. If he had a bagel stuck in his
windpipe, Id have seen it on the echo.

FOREMAN: Get him to the OR to suck it out.

HOUSE: Must have just screwed up the intubation. [Checks
the tube.+ Seals good.

TAUB: Its a clot, House. *They start moving him out.+

HOUSE: Wait, wait. *They stop.+ Look at his teeth. Hes got
shiny new caps. Hes had recent dental surgery.

CUDDY: You can tell us what that means while were rolling
him to the OR.

[Just as Everyone besides House, Thirteen and the Bus
Driver step out of the room. House shuts the door and
stops it from being opened with his crutch.]

THIRTEEN: House!

CUDDY: House!

HOUSE: House! [Turns around and sees Thirteen standing
there.] Oh. [To Thirteen] Get a syringe.

CUDDY: *Yelling through the glass.+ I didnt bring you back
here so you could stage a coup! [Kutner tries to open the
door but it doesn't budge. Thirteen goes to remove the
crutch.]

HOUSE: Listen to me. [She stops.] Dental air drill pushed an
air bubble into his gums. Dislodged while he was driving,
and caused a myoclonic jerk. Thats what I must have seen.
Then it hit his spine, his liver, and now his lungs. [Moves the
pillows from his head and sticks them under his feet.]

CUDDY: [Knocks on the glass.] Dr. Hadley, open the door.
(Transcribers note: We have a name! From here on out I
will be referring to Thirteen as Hadley.)

HOUSE: Im not plumping his pillows here. Im putting him
in the Trendelenburg position to move the bubble to the
apex of his heart so you can suck it out, now get the damn
syringe.

CUDDY: I cant risk you stabbing him in the heart looking for
an unconfirmed air bubble.

HOUSE: Stab him.

CUDDY: [Bangs on the glass again.] Dr. Hadley!

HOUSE: See? She doesnt even know your name. *Yells.+
Stab his heart! [Machines start beeping.]

HADLEY: *Looks at the screen.+ Sats at 75.

HOUSE: Yes, he's suffocating.

HADLEY: If youre wrong

HOUSE: Shut up and make a decision. You keep standing
there, hes dead either way.

CUDDY: Dr. Hadley!

HADLEY: *To Cuddy+ Im sorry.

CUDDY: Open that door. [Hadley stabs his heart just as they
finally manage to get the door open.]

HOUSE: *Holds up his hands.+ Dont shoot!

CUDDY: Get him to the OR.

HADLEY: The O2 sats. [Machines stop beeping.] There was
an air bubble. Hes okay.

[Cut to House getting into bed.]

HOUSE: The other nurse always used to tuck me in.

CUDDY: Ill be on the couch. With a shotgun in my lap.

HOUSE: Worrying about me?

CUDDY: Making sure you dont try and make a limp for the
border. Get some sleep. [Turns out the light.]

[House lies on his side and closes his eyes, two seconds
later he opens them again. He walks to the living room, not
limping. He looks at the person asleep on the chair.]

HOUSE: Im not sleepy, Mummy.

MYSTERY WOMAN: [Takes the blanket off and sits up.] Me
neither.

HOUSE: Who are you? And why are you stalking me?

MYSTERY WOMAN: Technically, youre stalking me. *She
plays with her necklace.]

HOUSE: [Looks at her necklace which is a yellow orangey
colour with something in it.] What is that? Mosquito?

MYSTERY WOMAN: Maybe just a fly.

HOUSE: In the ointment. So theres something wrong.
Theres some detail Im not noticing thats spoiling the big
picture.

*Mystery Woman gently brushes Houses hand against her
cheek.]

HOUSE: Is this significant? Or is this dream just going in a
different direction now?

MYSTERY WOMAN: I guess that depends. [Still brushing
Houses hand against her cheek.+ What are you going to do
with that?

HOUSE: [House looks his hand which has a red ribbon in it.]
I have to tie this around you. [Ties it around her leg.]

MYSTERY WOMAN: Im cold.

HOUSE: Stay with me. Why did I say that? [Blood starts to
ooze onto the ribbon.]

[Cut to House waking up in bed. He walks into the Living
room, this time he is limping. He walks over to Cuddy
sleeping in his chair and sits on the edge of it as he shakes
her awake.]

HOUSE: Hey.

CUDDY: Go away.

HOUSE: Its not over. *She turns around and looks at him.+ I
saved the wrong person. [She sits up.]

[Cut to House still in his living room but now he is dressed
and is putting his shoes on.]

HOUSE: This wasnt just a dream or a fantasy, or a drug-
induced trip to Wonderland.

CUDDY: So the bus driver with the air bubble was just a
coincidence?

HOUSE: Nope. I got the causation flipped. The bubble didnt
cause the crash. The crash caused the bubble to dislodge.
There was no myoclonic jerk. I saw something else in
someone else.

CUDDY: Youre not leaving. *House walks over to the closet
and pulls out a blood pressure arm band and puts it around
his arm and starts pumping.]

HOUSE: Whats the most dangerous thing a patient could
do when his brain is on the brink of herniating?

CUDDY: Elevated heart rate, BP... Which is exactly why you
need to stop. [House grabs her hand and sticks it on his
neck so she can check his heart rate.]

HOUSE: Instead of sleeping, Im going to be pacing around
this apartment trying to decipher those visions.

CUDDY: Why does this matter so much?

HOUSE: I dont know. Heart rate?

CUDDY: 127.

HOUSE: BP? [She walks away and grabs a stethoscope.]
Contextual memory. I need to get back on that bus with all
31 passengers to remember who and what I saw.

CUDDY: Im not going to call in crash victims because youve
gone insane.

HOUSE: Maybe I dont need the actual victims.

[Cut to all the House regulars and some extras standing on
the bus with signs hanging from their neck showing a
picture of the victim they are portraying. House is directing
them all to sit in certain spots based on what he
remembers.]

HOUSE: Whos playing Anne McKeehan? *Cameron raises
her hand.] Right here. Jane Doe #2 from Princeton General.
*Hadley.+ Right here. You two, thats right. Goth kid. *Points
to where to sit, Kutner sits there.] Yeah. [Foreman walks up
to House.] At the back on the right. [Foreman sits.] Yeah.
Here. [Everyone is now in their places.] Okay...

CHASE: You think that staring at pictures on our shirts is
going to be more effective than hypnosis?

HOUSE: Well, if only youd stop talking, the re-enactment
could stimulate activity in my hippocampus and
parahippocampal cortex.

CAMERON: How long do we have to sit here before you are
stimulated? [House gets a small flashback of the woman
Cameron was portraying on the bus.]

ANN: Stop staring at my breasts. And dont say or lack
thereof. [Back to present.]

CAMERON: [Stands up.] Are you okay? [House stares into
space.+ Whatd you see?

HOUSE: It just slipped away. [Takes some pills.]

CUDDY: Is that Vicodin?

HOUSE: Nope. Just a little memory pick-me-up.

CAMERON: [Takes them out of his hands and looks at the
label.+ Its physostigmine.

CUDDY: Are you crazy? Alzheimers drugs will make your
brain go into overdrive.

HOUSE: Thats the point. Itll speed up my neuronal firing.
Turn up the voltage on my memory.

WILSON: And blow out your heart. How many did you take?

HOUSE: Just now? Or including the ones I took on the ride
over?

CUDDY: House, this isnt worth

[Flashback to bus. All the passengers are there, House sits
down.]

MYSTERY WOMAN: House.

HOUSE: [Looks to his right and sees the mystery woman
sitting facing him. She is wearing a red scarf now.] Why are
you here?

MYSTERY WOMAN: You believe in reason above all else.
There must be a reason.

HOUSE: You have something to tell me.

MYSTERY WOMAN: Yes. Who am I?

HOUSE: Thats asking, not telling. Who are you?

MYSTERY WOMAN: You know who I am.

HOUSE: If I did, Id be passed out in bed instead of ODing
on physostigmine on the 6th Street cross-town.

MYSTERY WOMAN: Whats my necklace made of?

HOUSE: [Looks down at the necklace.] Resin.

MYSTERY WOMAN: Who am I?

HOUSE: I dont know. Why the guessing game?

MYSTERY WOMAN: Because you dont know the answer.

HOUSE: And if I dont, you dont. But you know the clues.

MYSTERY WOMAN: I know whats bugging your
subconscious. Whats my necklace made of?

HOUSE: [Looks at the necklace again, realises and
whispers.] No.

MYSTERY WOMAN: Who am I?

HOUSE: *Shakes his head.+ Doesnt make sense.

MYSTERY WOMAN: Whats my necklace made of?

HOUSE: Amber.

[Now we see the real memory. The mystery woman turns
into Amber and we can see out the windows, the bus is
moving. Suddenly from behind Amber House sees
headlights coming towards the side of the bus. It hits, glass
shatters, Amber gets thrown out of her seat onto the floor
and people start screaming. In slow motion we see Amber
lose her bag as she tries to hang on to the pole near the
door and House hangs on to his seat. The bus driver tries to
control the bus as it is spinning but fails to keep it upright,
the bus flips on its side and keeps sliding forward, House
loses his cane and smashes his head. Both Amber and
House try to hang on to whatever they can, they reach out
and hold hands for a second but then lose grip and are
unable to grab on a second time. The bus slides into
something and everything goes black. House comes to,
looks around and sees a lot of injured people. He then sees
Amber trying to sit up. She has a nasty gash in her head and
a pole going through her leg. She sees the pole and starts to
freak out. House manages to crawl over to her.]

HOUSE: I have to tie this around you. [Removes the red
scarf from around her neck and uses it as a tourniquet
around her right leg.]

AMBER: Im cold.

HOUSE: Stay with me. Just stay with me.

[House ties the scarf tight around her leg and then passes
out. It goes black. House briefly comes to as the paramedics
are taking Amber away. He reaches out but they are already
gone. Hes eventually able to get out of the bus on his own.
A Paramedic sees him getting out of the bus.]

PARAMEDIC: Sir, are you all right? Are you all right? Are you
injured anywhere? [House shows his hands to the
paramedic which have some blood on them, he wipes it off
and then points to where House can receive more
treatment.+ Theyll take care of you over there. *House
limps away in the direction of the strip club. As House walks
we see a black and white flash of Cuddy kissing someone
and then a fist pounding something. And then we see it
again, then we just hear the pounding, House looks up to
the sky, and it cuts back to the present.]

[We see House on the floor of the bus as Cuddy and Wilson
are performing CPR on him, everyone else is watching on
looking worried. House eventually comes to.]

CUDDY: Hes coming out of it.

KUTNER: [Feels House's neck as House is still trying to catch
his breath.] Strong pulse.

CUDDY: You idiot! Your heart stopped.

HOUSE: Amber.

WILSON: What?

HOUSE: Amber. It was Amber. [Tries to sit up, Cuddy helps
his head onto her lap.] She was on the bus.

WILSON: You almost kill yourself, and all were getting is
drug-induced fantasies.

HOUSE: Have you spoken to her?

WILSON: Shes probably working. Shes... Shes been on call.
[Looks at his watch.] I called her... [Starts to realise.] She
didnt call... I... I... How could she...

HOUSE: I dont know... Jane Doe #2.

HADLEY: [Realises what he wants, grabs the file and starts
reading from it.] Female. Late twenties. Kidney damage.
Does Amber have a birthmark on her right shoulder blade?
[Looks at Wilson. Wilson turns and looks at House.]

HOUSE: She was on the bus with me. Shes the one whos
dying.

[End.]




416 - Wilson's Heart
JAMES WILSON: [vo] Previously on House.

[Accident site. Night. The bus lies on its side, smoke rising
out from inside. Fire engines, ambulances and police
cruisers stand near it, while rescue personnel mill about. Dr.
Gregory House stands and watches the proceedings, a look
of confusion on his face.]

GREG HOUSE: [vo] I don't know how I got here. I saw a
symptom before the crash.

[Princeton-Plainsboro Teaching Hospital, Emergency Room.
Day. While Dr. Allison Cameron attends to his injured head,
House speaks to Dr. James Wilson.]

GREG HOUSE: Why was I taking the bus?

[House's Office. Night. Dr. Robert Chase assists House with
medical hypnosis.]

LAWRENCE KUTNER: [vo] Medical hypnosis can...

[House's Subconscious/Bus. Night. House sits alone in the
bus, the windows fogged, and looks around.]

LAWRENCE KUTNER: [vo] ... bring the brain to a class two
theta state.

[House's Office. Night. House, feeling the effects of a killer
headache, presses the edges of his palms to his forehead
and leans forward.]

[House's Office. Night. Wilson tries to talk House out of the
medical hypnosis.]

JAMES WILSON: Taxing an already injured brain.

[Diagnostics Office. Day. House snaps at his Fellows.]

GREG HOUSE: Someone is dying because I can't remember.

[Bus. Night. House looks directly at Amber Volakis, sitting
opposite him, just as a bright light rushes towards them,
behind her and crashes into the bus. She gets thrown
towards him and rolls off, as glass flies everywhere. She
falls towards the bus well.]

GREG HOUSE: [vo] It was Amber.

[Bus. Day. House lies on the ground, after almost ODing on
physostigmine trying to remember. He speaks to Wilson,
who looks shocked.]

GREG HOUSE: She was on the bus with me. She's the one
who's dying.

END RECAP


CUT TO:

[Princeton General Hospital, ICU. Day. Wilson stands near
Amber's bed, where she lies unconscious, hooked up to a
respirator and monitors. Concerned, he strokes her head
gently, as the attending doctor speaks.]

ATTENDING DOCTOR: Her heart won't stop racing. No idea
what's causing it.

[House stands near the attending and reads Amber's file.]

GREG HOUSE: Sure it wasn't the bus that landed on her?

ATTENDING DOCTOR: It's not trauma. She was stable post-
op. This didn't start until an hour ago.

[Distressed, Wilson looks at the tube down Amber's throat
and her head wound.]

JAMES WILSON: [barely audible] Oh, my god.

GREG HOUSE: Delayed reaction to the trauma. She lost
both her kidneys in the bus crash. She ripped up her
femoral artery.

ATTENDING DOCTOR: We fixed the artery, got her on
dialysis for the kidneys. Whatever's doing this to her heart,
it isn't from the crash.

GREG HOUSE: Check her potassium?

ATTENDING DOCTOR: Of course.

JAMES WILSON: [to the attending] Why didn't you call me?

ATTENDING DOCTOR: She's been under the whole time.
She had no ID.

GREG HOUSE: Pushed adenosine?

ATTENDING DOCTOR: And verapamil, and floated the swan
an hour ago.

GREG HOUSE: Coronary angiography?

ATTENDING DOCTOR: Three critical patients ahead of her.
We'll have her in within the hour.

GREG HOUSE: We're fifteen minutes away from Princeton
Plainsboro by ambulance.

ATTENDING DOCTOR: You wanna move her? Her heart rate
is a hundred and thirty.

GREG HOUSE: She's hemodynamically stable. We're moving
her.

ATTENDING DOCTOR: You're not her doctor. You can't
make that decision.

GREG HOUSE: [looking towards Wilson] Her husband can.

[Wilson looks up in surprise.]

GREG HOUSE: [loudly for Wilson to play along] Right?

[Wilson looks at Amber once more and turns to the
attending.]

JAMES WILSON: Move her.


CUT TO:

[Ambulance. Day. House and Wilson flank Amber, who lies
unconscious on a gurney in the middle. House pumps
oxygen into her mouth, as he speaks.]

GREG HOUSE: If the trauma didn't damage her heart...

JAMES WILSON: [still grief-stricken] Why was she on the
bus?

GREG HOUSE: I don't know. If she had any underlying
condition, the accident could have exacerbated it.

JAMES WILSON: Why were you with her?

GREG HOUSE: [shouts] I don't know! I'm not hiding
anything. I just don't remember. What else could damage
her heart?

[Wilson distantly presses the bridge of his nose. House
looks at his friend, who seems close to losing it.]

GREG HOUSE: Wilson, don't get lost! I'm barely coherent. I
need your help right now.

[Wilson relaxes a bit... just in time for the monitor to start
beeping.]

GREG HOUSE: V-fib!

[Quick as a flash, House throws the pump aside and pulls
out the defibrillator paddles. Wilson watches in fear as
Amber flatlines.]

GREG HOUSE: Charging.

JAMES WILSON: Okay. Okay.

GREG HOUSE: Clear.

[As House prepares to shock Amber's heart, Wilson puts his
hand out suddenly.]

JAMES WILSON: Wait, wait, wait! Protective hypothermia.

GREG HOUSE: You wanna freeze her? Her heart's not
beating.

JAMES WILSON: Her heart's already damaged. If you restart
it, it'll keep racing, shoot off free radicals, and kill her brain.
We ice her down, put her on bypass until you've diagnosed
her.

GREG HOUSE: This is not a solution. All you're doing is
pressing pause.

JAMES WILSON: It gives you more time to find a diagnosis.
House, this is Amber!

[Torn, House looks at Amber, his two fingers pressed down
on her throat.]

JAMES WILSON: [begging] Please.

[House balks for a second and then jerks his head towards
Wilson's right.]

GREG HOUSE: Cold saline solution.

[They scramble to get the cold saline. House smacks two
cold packs on his knees and puts it on her chest. As Wilson
hooks her up to the solution, the ambulance doors open
into a bright light, as we...]


CUT TO:

[Opening Credits.]


CUT TO:

[PPTH, ICU. Day. Amber lies on a bed in the middle of the
white room, as surgeons hook her up to a heart/lung
bypass machine.]

[PPTH ICU, Observation Room. Day. A listless Wilson
watches as they work on her. Near him, Dr. Eric Foreman
looks at Amber's bruised body. House comes up, looking
emotionless. Dr. Chris Taub rests his head in his head.
"Thirteen" (Dr. Hadley) is almost in tears. Dr. Lawrence
Kutner doesn't seem as affected by Amber's condition. He
looks at Wilson. As they watch, Chase speaks.]

ROBERT CHASE: Cool temperature down to ninety.

[He turns on a bypass machine.]

ROBERT CHASE: Bypass circulating.

[He looks at the monitors and then at the observation
room]

ROBERT CHASE: [nods] She's stable.

ERIC FOREMAN: Why are we doing this?

GREG HOUSE: Bought us time to think.

[With a look at Wilson, House leaves. As the others follow
him out, Taub and Foreman give Wilson encouraging pats
on his shoulder. Wilson stays.]


CUT TO:

[Diagnostics Office. Day. House writes "TACHYCARDIA" on
the whiteboard as the others stand around him.]

GREG HOUSE: The trauma must have stimulated a pre-
existing heart condition.

CHRIS TAUB: Autoimmune congenital anomaly, blood
clotting disorder, lead poisoning...

"THIRTEEN": Could be anything.

GREG HOUSE: [gives her a healthy dose of frustrated
sarcasm] Great! Let's explore that. Quick, get her on
panacea.

LAWRENCE KUTNER: We can narrow it down by looking for
arterial blockages.

ERIC FOREMAN: How? On an echo? Can't see wall motion
when there's no motion.

[House massages his head, still feeling the effects of the
concussion.]

ERIC FOREMAN: EKG, nope. Heart's in the off position.
Thallium uptake scan? Useless on a cold heart.

GREG HOUSE: [berating] Yeah, we get it. Her heart's not
beating. It's gonna make it harder to diagnose. On the other
hand, she's not gonna die while you're whining about it.
What else?

LAWRENCE KUTNER: There is another way to narrow it
down. If you really did see a symptom in Amber before the
crash, physostigmine helped your memory last time.

CHRIS TAUB: Why not cyanide? He's a mess. He needs to
sleep.

GREG HOUSE: [to Kutner] I had a heart attack this morning.
Can't do any more drugs till lunch. Get her an angiogram.
Could show damage even in a stopped heart. Rest of you
search her apartment. Toxins, heavy metals, drugs,
anything that might make her heart race.

[Foreman, "Thirteen" and Kutner leave. Taub hangs back, as
House limps into his office.]

[House's Office. Day. House sourly walks to his desk and
tosses his cane to the side. His fists clenched, he leans on
the desk and slowly falls into his chair. He massages his
forehead. Hearing Taub enter, he looks at him in
annoyance. Taub walks in front of House's desk,
awkwardly.]

CHRIS TAUB: I need to know if there's anything medically
relevant that you couldn't share publicly.

GREG HOUSE: [looks around in mock-concern] Is this a
Philanderers Anonymous intervention?

CHRIS TAUB: You were obviously drinking last night. Maybe
you took Amber to a bar.

GREG HOUSE: I left here on my motorcycle alone.

CHRIS TAUB: You ended up drunk on a bus together. Maybe
you met Amber in the bar.

GREG HOUSE: [gets a file out of the drawer] I was not
having an affair with her.

CHRIS TAUB: You can't really say that if you don't
remember.

GREG HOUSE: I lost four hours, not four months.

CHRIS TAUB: Maybe it was the first time.

[House looks at Taub, wondering if it was.]

CHRIS TAUB: If you drank together, any chance you did any
drugs?

[House can't remember and looks down at the file.]

CHRIS TAUB: [quietly] I'll run a tox screen.

[He leaves, as House continues to wonder what happened
that night.]


CUT TO:

[Amber's Apartment. Day. Kutner and "Thirteen" enter the
apartment, using Amber's key. Kutner drops his bag on the
armchair and starts to rifle through it. "Thirteen" seems
reluctant. She looks at an IPod on a docking station, near
some manicure paraphernalia, and Wilson's shirt and tie,
packed in plastic, lying on an armchair. Kutner walks inside,
turning to look at her.]

LAWRENCE KUTNER: You comin'?

["Thirteen" nods shortly and follows him. Kutner sits in
front of Amber's MacBook.]

LAWRENCE KUTNER: Correspondence, letters to patients,
she could have caught something from one of them.

"THIRTEEN": Copy it to a thumb drive. Let's get out of here.

LAWRENCE KUTNER: Travel. Do you know if she's been out
of the country recently?

[He clicks on a folder named "Travel". It has a Quicktime
movie file.]

LAWRENCE KUTNER: It's just video clips. Maybe she
narrates where they are.

[He opens the movie file, as "Thirteen" leans over next to
him to watch. The video shows Amber lying across the sofa,
smiling at the camera.]

JAMES WILSON: [vo] And... action.

LAWRENCE KUTNER: Looks like she didn't travel very far.

[Wilson sits on the sofa next to Amber, as she laughs.]

JAMES WILSON: You look beautiful.

AMBER VOLAKIS: You look nervous.

JAMES WILSON: [laughs nervously] I've never done this
before.

AMBER VOLAKIS: I have. Trust me. You'll love it.

[She kisses him as she starts to unbutton his shirt. She
straddles him... and "Thirteen" ruins it for Kutner, by closing
the MacBook.]

LAWRENCE KUTNER: Hey.

"THIRTEEN": Not even close to relevant.

[Kutner looks understandably disappointed. As "Thirteen"
gloves up near the bedroom, Kutner comes up to her.]

LAWRENCE KUTNER: As long as we don't know what's
wrong, we don't know what's relevant.

"THIRTEEN": Yeah, maybe they're having sex on a pile of
asbestos. Go watch it. If we were in a stranger's house,
you'd be watching the video. You altered your behavior
because you're friends with her.

LAWRENCE KUTNER: Are you okay?

"THIRTEEN": We shouldn't be treating her at all.

LAWRENCE KUTNER: I'm gonna search her bathroom.

[He walks past her and goes inside the bathroom, as she
slowly gloves up.]


CUT TO:

[House's Subconscious/House's Office. Night. Under
"ANGIOGRAM (pending)", House writes "DRUGS?" on the
whiteboard and underlines it. He slides his chair away from
the board and looks at it. Alone in the office, he massages
his forehead.]

AMBER VOLAKIS: [vo] Are you okay?

[He looks up and sees Amber, healthy and unscathed,
standing near the door, wearing a bright red pantsuit.]

GREG HOUSE: Can't really say "yes" when it's a
hallucination asking.

AMBER VOLAKIS: Don't worry, you're just dreaming.

GREG HOUSE: What symptom did I see in you? A myoclonic
jerk...

AMBER VOLAKIS: Boring.

GREG HOUSE: An incredibly rare neurological symptom is
boring? Am I in someone else's subconscious?

[She leans in front of the desk, looking at him.]

AMBER VOLAKIS: [slowly] What did we do last night?

[House looks down and sees her pouring sherry into one of
two flutes. She slides it towards him and looks at him,
probingly.]

GREG HOUSE: Was I meeting you for a drink?

AMBER VOLAKIS: Is that all it was? A man thinks a woman is
beautiful, admires her intelligence, admires the way she has
to get whatever she wants, the things he likes about
himself.

[She goes around his desk and comes near him.]

AMBER VOLAKIS: [talks slowly as she slowly eases into his
lap] Maybe she always had a little thing for him. His mind.
His blue eyes. But someone gets between them. So, they
decide to meet one night at an out-of-the-way little bar.
Does that sound familiar?

[Their lips are a few inches apart.]

AMBER VOLAKIS: Do I feel familiar? What do you feel?
[breathes into his ear] Electricity.

[House's Office. Day. House suddenly wakes up, knocking
over his mug, spilling water on his desk.]


CUT TO:

[PPTH ICU. Day. House march/limps his way inside and
speaks.]

GREG HOUSE: Electricity.

[Dr. Lisa Cuddy attends to Amber, while Wilson sits nearby.]

GREG HOUSE: I know I saw the symptom. I know the
memory's locked in my brain. Now I know how to get it.

LISA CUDDY: [simply] No.

GREG HOUSE: [frowns] You don't even know what I'm
talking about.

LISA CUDDY: You need to rest. I have yet to hear about any
study linking electricity and rest.

GREG HOUSE: Deep brain stimulation. It's been proven.
Electrical impulses applied directly to the hypothalamus
could evoke detailed memories.

LISA CUDDY: My mistake, drilling a hole and shooting
lightning bolts into an already-cracked skull is very restful,
it's not fatal at all.

JAMES WILSON: [sighs weakly] She's right. You need to
sleep.

[Amber's EEG starts to beep. Cuddy looks at the monitor.]

LISA CUDDY: Brain activity spiked.

JAMES WILSON: [perking up a little] Amber. Amber. It's me.

GREG HOUSE: [dismissive] Random spikes are common.

LISA CUDDY: [softly, rebuking] Shut up.

JAMES WILSON: [quietly] It's gonna be okay. I'm here with
you.

[House's pager goes off. He looks at it.]

GREG HOUSE: The team has found something. Can you ask
her if we can be excused?

[Wilson doesn't appreciate the jibe. He leaves with House.]


CUT TO:

[Diagnostics Office. Day. Foreman and House's Fellows
stand inside. House limps inside, followed by Wilson.]

GREG HOUSE: What?

[Foreman and the Fellows look at Wilson and stay quiet.
House looks back at Wilson and looks back at them, looking
at them questioningly.]

ERIC FOREMAN: Coronary angio was negative.

CHRIS TAUB: So was the tox screen.

JAMES WILSON: That's what you found? Negative tests? I
could have told you she doesn't do drugs.

[Awkward stares among Foreman and the Fellows. Then
Kutner steps forward, with a bottle of pills in his hand.]

LAWRENCE KUTNER: [hands the bottle to House] We found
these in her apartment. [to Wilson] Sorry. Prescription diet
pills. SSRIs, amphetamines.

CHRIS TAUB: Diet pills cause structural damage to the mitral
valve, could explain the tachycardia.

JAMES WILSON: Sh-she'd have to be an addict to take
enough for it to damage her heart. I'd know.

GREG HOUSE: Did you know that she was hiding them in
her vitamins?

ERIC FOREMAN: We have to warm her back up. Get her
heart beating so we can do a CT to confirm.

JAMES WILSON: No, we've been over this. Starting her
heart could cause brain damage, could burn out the heart
muscle.

GREG HOUSE: [thinks] Test her heart without starting it.
Crack her chest open, reach a finger inside the pulmonary
vein, run it across the valve.

ERIC FOREMAN: That's the safer course?

GREG HOUSE: It is if we're wrong.

ERIC FOREMAN: When did we start assuming we're wrong?

[House and Wilson stay silent.]

ERIC FOREMAN: If this were any other patient...

GREG HOUSE: If the valve is calcified, that's our answer.
That's our cure. Go.

[Wilson, Foreman and the Fellows start to leave. As
"Thirteen" passes by, House calls her.]

GREG HOUSE: "Thirteen". Who found the diet pills?

"THIRTEEN": Kutner.

GREG HOUSE: You didn't even go in the bathroom, did you?
You're suddenly mute in the differentials. A blow-up doll
would be more useful. And yes, that's the first time I've
ever implied something negative about a blow-up doll.

"THIRTEEN": It's Amber. I...

GREG HOUSE: [interrupts] Normally, I'd be fascinated.
Today, don't care. Get over whatever it is and do your job.

[She leaves. House massages his head.]


CUT TO:

[PPTH OR. Day. "Thirteen" enters the OR, wearing a surgical
mask. The others are already there, scrubbed up. A nurse
helps her scrub up. She looks at Amber in trepidation.
Amber's eyelids have ben taped shut. Chase peels the tape
off of the right eye and sees the white in her eye is now
yellow.]

ROBERT CHASE: Wait. Look at her eye.

[Taub and Kutner look at her eye white.]

CHRIS TAUB: She's jaundiced.

LAWRENCE KUTNER: Her liver's not working.

ROBERT CHASE: Diet pills don't kill the liver.

[They look at him.]

ROBERT CHASE: Put her back in ICU.

["Thirteen" seems relieved.]


CUT TO:

[PPTH ICU. Day. Amber is wheeled back into the ICU.]

ERIC FOREMAN: [vo] Liver failure means whatever this thing
is, it's spreading, despite the fact that she's frozen.


CUT TO:

[Diagnostics Office. Day. House sits aside, deep in thought,
as the Fellows and Foreman sit at the glass table. Wilson
stands near the door.]

"THIRTEEN": Hepatic and heart failure could mean
antitrypsinase deficiency.

ERIC FOREMAN: We can stick a needle in her liver. If we see
fibrosis, she's right.

GREG HOUSE: Does Amber drink sherry?

[They look at him, but decide to ignore him.]

CHRIS TAUB: And the cardio fits just as well. But there's no
way we can tell, since we can't take her temperature.

GREG HOUSE: I had a dream. She was pouring me a glass.
And since I'm a scotch-, beer-, gin-, and rum-man...

CHRIS TAUB: [still ignoring] If we warm her back up, we
should be able to tell if she's got an infection.

JAMES WILSON: [frustrated] Yes, we can get a diagnosis by
letting the disease run rampant until it kills her. If it's
spreading, we need to slow this even more. We've gotta
cool her down further.

[Taub decides to play the voice of reason.]

CHRIS TAUB: I know you love her and, uh, you're scared
she's gonna die. But just making her colder and colder isn't
a cure. It's not dealing with the reality.

GREG HOUSE: Sherry means something.

JAMES WILSON: [decides to humour him] Amber doesn't
even drink sherry. House. Can we get back...?

GREG HOUSE: If she did drink sherry, it would mean
nothing. Since she doesn't, my subconscious is obviously
trying to make some other point.

LAWRENCE KUTNER: There's a Sharrie's Bar on Third right
off the bus route.

[ECU on House as he remembers.]

FLASHBACK:

[ECU: A coaster with "Sharrie's Bar (Estd. 1954)". A glass of
scotch is placed on it, by the bartender.]

RESUME.

GREG HOUSE: [getting up] Wilson's right. We need to make
her colder.

[Wilson's relieved that House agrees with him.]

CHRIS TAUB: Putting more ice on her is just delaying the
diagnosis.

GREG HOUSE: [getting his coat] Not on, in. Fill in her lungs
with slurry.

LAWRENCE KUTNER: Where are you going?

GREG HOUSE: Taking Wilson out for a drink.

[House walks outside. Wilson sighs heavily and follows.]


CUT TO:

[Sharrie's Bar. Day. House and Wilson enter the bar. The
place is empty at the moment.]

JAMES WILSON: Is this the place?

GREG HOUSE: [looks around] Maybe.

BARTENDER: [vo] Hey.

[They look at the bartender, behind the counter, making his
way to the cash register.]

BARTENDER: I assume you are here...

[He opens the register and pulls out House's motorcycle
keys.]

BARTENDER: ... for these.

[He tosses them towards House, who catches them. House
and Wilson exchange a look.]

GREG HOUSE: Did you see me here with a-a tall blonde
woman?

BARTENDER: Yeah, I think she joined you after scotch
number seven.

GREG HOUSE: Did she seem sick?

BARTENDER: She sneezed. I gave her a napkin.

GREG HOUSE: Did you see the color of the sputum?

BARTENDER: I assume sputum means snot. Look, I see a lot
of drunk chicks in here. I didn't have time to stop and
analyze the color of your girlfriend's boogers.

GREG HOUSE: [looking at Wilson, then back at the
bartender, venomously] She's not my girlfriend, genius.

BARTENDER: She was hot, you seemed into her, and she
bought you drinks.

[Wilson is surprised.]

BARTENDER: Last night, she was your girlfriend.

[ECU on House as he tries to remember.]

FLASHBACK:

[House walks with Amber, his arm around her, holding her
close to him. They both smile at each other.]

RESUME.

GREG HOUSE: [to Wilson] Blood in the sputum could mean
parasites. Any recent travel?

JAMES WILSON: You seemed into her?

GREG HOUSE: [points his cane at the bartender] If he had a
brain, he wouldn't be tending bar.

[The bartender seems annoyed with the jibe.]

GREG HOUSE: Sneezing's a new symptom. Let's assume the
runny nose means an infection.

[They leave.]


CUT TO:

[PPTH ICU. Day. Kutner and "Thirteen" attend to Amber.]

LAWRENCE KUTNER: What did House have to say?

"THIRTEEN": He... told me I was raised by wolves and that's
why I use the same hand for my fork and knife.

[He notices that she's about to connect the wrong tube to
Amber's tube.]

LAWRENCE KUTNER: Ooh. Not that one. The slurry tube.

"THIRTEEN": [realizes her mistake, shudders] Oh.

[She drops the tubes and leans over the bed.]

LAWRENCE KUTNER: [sighs] I know this is different. But it's
not. Everyone dies.

"THIRTEEN": [looks at him in surprise] She's not dead.

LAWRENCE KUTNER: You're reacting this way because she
might be... soon.

"THIRTEEN": Yeah, I am. Why aren't you?

LAWRENCE KUTNER: I'm an Indian guy named "Kutner".
Ever wonder what happened to my parents?

"THIRTEEN": [understands] I'm sorry, I didn't...

LAWRENCE KUTNER: I was six years old. I used to like
helping out in my parents' store after school. Guy walks in
to rob the place. Ends up shooting them both. Wasn't fair.
Took years, but I had to accept that's just the way it was.
[beat] So you gonna help me fill her lungs up or not?

["Thirteen" gives a small nod and connects the proper tube
this time. The slurry flows through the tube, into Amber's
lungs. Flash to an X-ray of Amber's chest. The super-cooled
fluid flows into her lungs.]


CUT TO:

[PPTH Laboratory. Night. Foreman and Taub conduct tests.
House enters, a bit fatigued.]

GREG HOUSE: Tell me that the liver biopsy showed
infiltrates, minor inflammation.

CHRIS TAUB: Yeah. How...?

GREG HOUSE: Snot on a napkin. Add the heart, infiltrates...

ERIC FOREMAN: [understands] Hep B.

GREG HOUSE: Start her on IV interferon. I'll go tell Wilson.

[He starts to leave.]

ERIC FOREMAN: Good idea. And I'll go nap because I was
concussed last night and had a heart attack this morning. I'll
tell Wilson, you go sleep.

[Foreman walks past House, who seems a but grateful,
though he doesn't show it.]


CUT TO:

[House's Subconscious/PPTH ICU. Night. House enters the
ICU, looking at Amber's unconscious form. He limps slowly
inside and hangs his cane on a machine nearby. He leans
over the bed and looks at Amber. Suddenly, Amber's eyes
open wide. House gets a start. She looks at him.]

AMBER VOLAKIS: Hepatitis B is a lame diagnosis.

GREG HOUSE: [whining] Oh, God. I get less rest when I'm
asleep.

[Amber gets up and, facing away from him, starts removing
the monitor leads off her head.]

AMBER VOLAKIS: I rise from the dead, and that's the
reaction I get?

GREG HOUSE: I'm sorry. If I had known, I would have
started a breakaway Jewish sect. Hep B fits.

[She undoes the velcro of her gown and the back of the
gown open.]

GREG HOUSE: Why are you doing that?

AMBER VOLAKIS: Because Hep B doesn't fit.

[He frowns as he looks at the small of her back.]


CUT TO:

[House's Office. Night. He jerks awake.]


CUT TO:

[PPTH ICU. Night. He limps quickly inside and addresses
Foreman and Taub.]

GREG HOUSE: Turn her over.

[House limps to the other side of the room.]

CHRIS TAUB: We're about to start a second course of
interferon.

GREG HOUSE: Which she might not need once you turn her
over. Small of her back.

[Knowing it's useless to argue, Foreman and Taub go over
to Amber's right side and turn her over. Taub undoes the
gown velcro. The back is bruised courtesy of the accident.]

CHRIS TAUB: She's bruised. Why is that significant?

GREG HOUSE: Look closer.

[Taub and Foreman lean in to take a closer look. They see a
small red rash.]

ERIC FOREMAN: A rash. How'd you know what was on the
small of her back?

GREG HOUSE: Either I'm still asleep, or I'm starting to
remember.


CUT TO:

[PPTH ICU. Night. Amber lies on her side. House leans,
examining the rash with a flashlight, while Kutner and
"Thirteen" lean beside him. Wilson, Foreman and Taub are
also there.]

CHRIS TAUB: Looks like an influenza rash.

ERIC FOREMAN: The flu wouldn't be killing her organs one
by one.

LAWRENCE KUTNER: Dermatomyositis.

GREG HOUSE: Wouldn't speed up her heart.

"THIRTEEN": Maybe it's an allergic reaction to the
interferon.

GREG HOUSE: Yes, the symptom that I saw on the bus was a
rare interferon allergy that flares up two days before you
take it.

["Thirteen" rolls her eyes and stands straight. House and
Kutner also straighten up.]

JAMES WILSON: [in disbelief] How did you see the rash
down there?

GREG HOUSE: I don't know. Maybe she leaned over.

ERIC FOREMAN: Maybe it's not a rash at all. It could be an
abscess.

GREG HOUSE: "Thirteen", stick a needle in there. If there's
pus, Foreman's right.

"THIRTEEN": Ultrasound is safer.

GREG HOUSE: I'm not asking you to stick a needle all the
way through. Taub, you do it.

"THIRTEEN": [defensively] No, wait, I can do it.

GREG HOUSE: [yelling] No, apparently, you can't!

[Chastised, "Thirteen" walks out. Taub goes over to Amber,
with a syringe, and pushes the syringe into the rash.]

CHRIS TAUB: It's not fluctuant.

[Removing the needle and flicking it with his finger, he
looks at it.]

CHRIS TAUB: Clear. It's not pus.

ERIC FOREMAN: Means it's vesicular. Rocky Mountain
Spotted Fever.

JAMES WILSON: We had dinner with a friend last week. We
walked their dogs. I guess she could've gotten a tick.

ERIC FOREMAN: It's treatable. Doxycycline.

GREG HOUSE: Allow eight hours for the antibiotics to take
effect, then we warm her up, shock her heart.

JAMES WILSON: [stepping forward] Wait a minute, wait a
minute! If we're wrong, restarting her heart could kill her.
Run blood cultures first.

ERIC FOREMAN: The fastest way to test is to treat. If we're
wrong, still should give us time to try something else.

JAMES WILSON: [firmly] We are not starting her heart until
we're one hundred percent certain.

ERIC FOREMAN: [retorts] We're never one hundred percent
certain.

[Wilson wants to argue more, but restrains himself.
Foreman turns to House.]

GREG HOUSE: Run the blood cultures. After we get
confirmation, then we'll restart her heart.

ERIC FOREMAN: [arguing] He's wrong. And you know he's
wrong. You can't change your mind just because a family
member starts crying. They're always scared.

GREG HOUSE: [politely, yet sternly] I said, run the blood
cultures.

[He walks off. Foreman throws a look at Wilson. Wilson
struggles to remain resolute.]


CUT TO:

[PPTH, Ladies Restroom. Night. "Thirteen" sits in a stall,
trying hard not to cry, leaning against a toilet-paper
dispenser. A foot slides from under the next stall and taps
her foot. She gets a start. The intruding foot quickly
withdraws.]

GREG HOUSE: Sorry. Wide stance.

[House sits in the adjoining stall.]

"THIRTEEN": [choking] You're right. I'm screwing up.

GREG HOUSE: Why are you screwing up?

"THIRTEEN": I didn't even like her.

GREG HOUSE: Did you hate her?

"THIRTEEN": Not enough to want her dead.

GREG HOUSE: 'S not guilt. That just leaves fear. Young
woman dying. Young doctor dying, in fact. That sound
familiar?

[Not wanting to discuss this again, she gets up to leave. She
opens the stall door and almost walks into House. She sighs
heavily.]

"THIRTEEN": Yeah, I'm at risk for Huntington's. I've dealt
with it.

GREG HOUSE: By not getting tested? Dealing with it by not
dealing with it. It's clearly working beautifully.

"THIRTEEN": You are the champion of not dealing with your
problems.

GREG HOUSE: My grandson gave me a mug that says that.
Okay. Enough hand-holding. Deal with it. Get back in there.
Or pack up your stuff.

"THIRTEEN": You're screwing up this case worse than I am.

[She strides past him and leaves. Angrily, he slaps the stall
separator.]

CUE MUSIC: "Teardrop" - Jose Gonzalez


CUT TO:

[PPTH Cafeteria. Night. Wilson sits despondently at a table.
Cameron comes up to him. He looks up at her. She sits
down next to him.]

# Love, love is a verb #
# Love is a doing word #


CUT TO:

[House's Office. Night. House sleeps on his armchair, his
feet resting on the footrest. His jacket covers him.]

# Feathers on my bre-e-e-eath #
# Gentle impulsion #
# Shakes me, makes me lighter #


CUT TO:

[PPTH Laboratory. Night. "Thirteen" sits alone in the dark.
Puting on the light, she prepares to draw her blood. A little
later, she removes the syringe and tourniquet. She looks at
the sample.]
# Feathers on my bre-e-e-eath #
# Teardrop on the fire #
# Feathers on my bre-e-e-eath #


CUT TO:

[PPTH ICU. Night. Foreman, alone with Amber, is still not
happy about delaying the treatment.]


CUT TO:

[Cuddy's Office. Night. Cuddy looks up from her paperwork
at Foreman, who hands her a folder. She glances at it and
looks at Foreman.]

ERIC FOREMAN: House is gonna kill the patient.

[She looks at the file.]

END MUSIC.


CUT TO:

[PPTH ICU. Night. Foreman and Cuddy warm Amber up.
Wilson enters and reacts in shock.]

JAMES WILSON: What are you... what are you doing?

[Caught, Foreman and Cuddy continue nevertheless. Wilson
looks at Amber's temperature.]

JAMES WILSON: She's up to eighty degrees!

LISA CUDDY: We're gonna restart her heart.

[Wilson runs over and yanks off the blanket covering
Amber.]

JAMES WILSON: No, you're not! There's still time to undo
this, cool her back down.

ERIC FOREMAN: You weren't taking the safe approach.

[Wilson looks at the EEG monitor in horror.]

ERIC FOREMAN: We've gotta know if the antibiotics are
working.

JAMES WILSON: Her EEG's slowed.

[Cuddy and Foreman look at the monitor in surprise, and
then at each other. Wilson leans close to Amber.]

JAMES WILSON: Amber. Amber.

[No response. Wilson looks at Foreman in undisguised
anger.]

JAMES WILSON: Well done. We still don't know what it is,
but you just let it spread to her brain!

[He runs off.]


CUT TO:

[PPTH ICU. Day. The Fellows cool Amber back down.]

JAMES WILSON: [vo, mad] This is exactly what I said would
happen! It's in her brain now!

LISA CUDDY: [vo] Brain involvement gives us a new
symptom.


CUT TO:

[House's Office. Day. Cuddy and an enraged Wilson argue,
as House sits on the armchair between them, still drowsy.]

JAMES WILSON: That wouldn't be there if you hadn't...

LISA CUDDY: It's where the disease was going. We needed
to know that.

[House gets up and walks away from the argument near his
table.]

JAMES WILSON: [yelling] This was not your decision to
make! You went behind my back. You went behind House's
back.

GREG HOUSE: [to himself] Inside voices.

LISA CUDDY: House wanted to warm her up. You just
guilted him into changing his mind.

[Wilson sighs. Cuddy goes over to House.]

LISA CUDDY: Heart, liver, rash, and now her brain.

GREG HOUSE: Autoimmune fits best. Crash trauma could've
set it off. Start her on prednisone, then we'll warm her up
again. [sits]

JAMES WILSON: House, if this is some other infection, the
steroids will trash her immune system.

[Cuddy looks at House. House looks away. Cuddy turns to
Wilson, putting her hand on his shoulder.]

LISA CUDDY: [softly] He's the attending. You're the family.
Go spend more time with the patient.

[She leaves. Wilson looks at House.]

JAMES WILSON: [shaking his head] You can't do this.

GREG HOUSE: That's not a good argument. It's not an
argument at all. I'm sorry.

[Wilson sighs heavily and vents his frustration on House, by
kicking a chair lightly and walking off in a huff. He walks in
the hallway for about five seconds and then stops. He
enters House's office again. House, on the phone, puts it
down.]

JAMES WILSON: [struggling to remain calm] Cuddy's right. I
was afraid to do anything. I thought if everything just
stopped, it would be okay.

GREG HOUSE: And it's gonna be. Taub's starting the
treatment. We're doing everything...

JAMES WILSON: Not everything. Before you warm her up...
You said you wanted to try deep brain stimulation.

GREG HOUSE: But there's no reason. We know the
symptom, we know what I saw.

JAMES WILSON: What if it's not the rash? What if you
noticed the rash in the ambulance or when we were putting
her on bypass? What if there is still something else stuck
inside your head?

GREG HOUSE: You think I should risk my life to save
Amber's.

[Wilson thinks for a second and nods, looking pleadingly at
House. House smirks mirthlessly and then nods his
agreement to Wilson.]


CUT TO:

[PPTH Procedure Room. Day. House's head is bolted to a
stereotactic frame, his feet dangling off the chair. He's
hooked up to monitors and IV drips. Chase slowly and
carefully inserts an electrode into House's brain and fixes it
to the frame. House and Wilson exchange looks.]

ROBERT CHASE: Inserting the IPG probe into your ventral
hypothalamus. [to Wilson] Give me three volts.

[Wilson turns the dial and hits a button. The camera zooms
inside the machine, where a diode glows brightly. The
camera speeds along the wires, taking the electricity
through the electrode into the brain and...]

INTERCUT WITH:

[House's Subconscious/Sharrie's Bar. Night. The picture is
black and white. The bartender says something, but there's
no sound.]

GREG HOUSE: [vo] Can't hear him.

JAMES WILSON: [co] Can't hear who?

GREG HOUSE: Everything's in black and white.

JAMES WILSON: Who was talking? Is Amber there?

GREG HOUSE: [to Chase] You're supposed to be jolting my
hypothalamus, not petting it.

ROBERT CHASE: We don't want to overload it.

GREG HOUSE: As long as I'm risking my life, I might as well
be watching a talkie.

[Wilson nods to Chase.]

JAMES WILSON: Increasing from three to five volts. Sending
impulse.

[He turns the dial and hits the button. House grimaces as he
gets shocked.]

[We're back in his subconscious. House is drunk. The
bartender snatches away his motorcycle keys.]

BARTENDER: You're not getting them back.

[Annoyed, House sighs. He picks up his cell phone and
opens it. His battery's dead. Tossing it aside on the counter,
he calls the bartender.]

GREG HOUSE: Hey! You take my keys, you gotta give me a
phone call.

[The bartender agrees sulkily and hands him a cordless
receiver. House dials a number and puts the receiver to his
ear.]

JAMES WILSON: Who are you calling?

[House looks to his right and sees Wilson (in scrubs)
standing near the jukebox. House looks at the number he's
dialed.]

GREG HOUSE: Dial-A-Wilson.

JAMES WILSON: I was on call.

[In the Procedure Room, Wilson understands.]

JAMES WILSON: Amber was home.

GREG HOUSE: I told her to find you. Have you pick me up.

[Back in House's subconscious, the bar door opens as House
waits at the counter. Amber enters, looks around and sees
House. Not really enthused, she walks over to him and
stands at his side. He looks at her.]

GREG HOUSE: [rolls his eyes] I said to find Wilson.

AMBER VOLAKIS: He's working. And I'm willing to suffer this
indignity on his behalf.

JAMES WILSON: [vo] Does she seem sick?

[House looks at her.]

GREG HOUSE: [shakes her head] Not yet.

AMBER VOLAKIS: C'mon. Time to go.

GREG HOUSE: Whoa. [calls the bartender] Need another
round! And a drink for... what passes for a lady around
here? [to Amber] What's your poison?

AMBER VOLAKIS: Nothing. [to the bartender] We're leaving.

GREG HOUSE: [imitating her] We're leaving, leaving,
leaving, leaving... [remembers] Cosmos. I remember Wilson
buying cranberry juice. [to the bartender] I'll have another.
And she'll have a Cosmopolitan.

AMBER VOLAKIS: The obstinate drunk thing is not flattering.
C'mon. You called for a ride.

[The bartender puts their drinks on the counter.]

GREG HOUSE: Drink your drink, or I'll drink 'em both.

AMBER VOLAKIS: One. [picks up her Cosmo] And you leave
voluntarily.

[House clinks his glass to hers. They both down their drinks,
House finishing first.]

AMBER VOLAKIS: Let's go.

GREG HOUSE: [to the bartender] Hey! We need another
Cosmo here.

[Amber sneezes. House notices it.]

[In the Procedure Room, House reports it.]

GREG HOUSE: She sneezed.

[In his subconscious, Wilson stands near the jukebox.]

JAMES WILSON: What color is it?

[The bartender hands her a napkin.]

AMBER VOLAKIS: Thanks.

[Turning away from him, she wipes her nose. House
watches her remove the napkin from her nose and sees the
sputum.]

GREG HOUSE: Looks like snot. Seems like a cold.

JAMES WILSON: Nothing else?

[In the Procedure Room.]

GREG HOUSE: [softly] No.

[Subconscious. House staggers up (without his cane) and
starts to walk to the door.]

JAMES WILSON: Where are you going?

GREG HOUSE: Think I paid?

AMBER VOLAKIS: House, what are you doing? You can
barely walk.

[Amber runs to him and puts his arm around her neck,
propping him up.]

GREG HOUSE: Go home. I'll take the bus.

BARTENDER: Hey, someone's gotta pay for this.

[House walks outside. Amber runs to the bartender to foot
House's bill.]

[House gets on the bus and falls into the seat. He lets out a
belch, which the other commuters don't find appealing.]

GREG HOUSE: Hi.

[He looks outside. Amber walks up to him, holding his
cane.]

AMBER VOLAKIS: You forgot something.

[He takes it from her. She sits in the seat opposite him.]

GREG HOUSE: You don't give up, do you?

AMBER VOLAKIS: Yeah, I'm an idiot that way.

GREG HOUSE: You doing this for me or for Wilson?

AMBER VOLAKIS: For Wilson.

GREG HOUSE: [jerks a nod] Well, then it's even more
impressive. [holds out an imaginary glass] Salut.

[She sneezes again.]

AMBER VOLAKIS: Ugh, damn, do you have a Kleenex?

GREG HOUSE: I got a sleeve. I got two, actually.

AMBER VOLAKIS: I need more than that. I'm getting that
nasty flu.

[House turns to look at her seriously. Wilson (in scrubs) sits
in the back seat.]

JAMES WILSON: Is that it? The flu? Is there any rare
complication?

GREG HOUSE: [shakes his head] No. It would explain the
rash, but nothing else. [looks downward] Unless...

JAMES WILSON: What?

[Wide-eyed, House sees Amber takes a bottle of pills out of
her bag and tap out a few into her palm.]

GREG HOUSE: [softly] Don't do it.

[She swallows the palmful of pills. House looks desolate.
Wilson looks at House questioningly.]

GREG HOUSE: It wasn't the flu. It's what she did for it. She
has amantadine poisoning.

JAMES WILSON: The crash destroyed her kidneys. Her body
couldn't filter the drugs. She ODs on amantadine. Explains
the heart, the liver. [cheering up] We just need to start her
on dialysis and flush the drugs out.

[House, on the other hand, doesn't look happy at all.]

JAMES WILSON: What? What's wrong?

GREG HOUSE: Amantadine binds with proteins. Dialysis
can't clear it out of the blood.

[Wilson looks in horror at House.]

GREG HOUSE: There's nothing we can do.

[He looks at Amber, who's blissfully unaware that she's in
mortal danger.]

GREG HOUSE: [to Wilson, morosely] I'm so sorry.

[Shattered, Wilson looks at Amber.]

JAMES WILSON: Amber.

[In the Procedure Room, a tear trickles down House's
cheek.]

[In his subconscious, he looks at Amber.]

GREG HOUSE: [eyes growing wide] Amber.

[She looks at him, just as the bright light collides into them.
House reacts in shock.]

[In the Procedure Room, House is seizing. His hands flail
out, knocking a machine and an IV drip to the ground.]

ROBERT CHASE: Seizing. Wilson, I need help here!

[Chase and Wilson attend to House.]


CUT TO:

[Diagnostics Office. Day. Foreman speaks to the shocked
Fellows.]

ERIC FOREMAN: House suffered a complex partial seizure.
The violent shaking widened his skull fracture, causing a
brain bleed.


CUT TO:

[PPTH, House's Room. Day. Top-down view. House lies
comatose on the bed, hooked up to several monitors.]

ERIC FOREMAN: [vo] We won't know if there's any cognitive
impairment until he's out of the coma.

MORPH TO:

[PPTH ICU. Day. Top-down view. While the surgical team
watches, Chase shocks Amber. No response. He orders a
higher voltage and tries again. Still no response.]

ERIC FOREMAN: [vo] He was right about the amantadine.
Amber's body couldn't filter it out. That's what caused her
heart to beat too fast for too long.

[In the Observation Deck, Wilson tearfully watches as Chase
tries again, but to no avail.]

ERIC FOREMAN: [vo] It caused irreparable structural
damage. Didn't matter if they shocked her or froze her.

[Chase looks up to Wilson, his expression saying it all.]

ERIC FOREMAN: [vo] Her heart was dead once it stopped in
that ambulance.


CUT TO:

[Diagnostics Office. Day.]

LAWRENCE KUTNER: [sadly] What about a new heart?
Transplant?

ERIC FOREMAN: [quietly] All of her organs are damaged.
She can't qualify.

["Thirteen" closes her eyes.]

ERIC FOREMAN: There's nothing we can do. Nothing we
could have done.

[He drops his head.]


CUT TO:

[Wilson's Office. Evening. Wilson looks out at the gloomy,
rainy sky, his eyes glistening. Cuddy enters.]

JAMES WILSON: [choking] We should call time of death.

LISA CUDDY: Technically, she's still alive. Could probably
survive a few more hours on bypass. We could wean her off
anesthesia, wake her up, give you a chance to...

JAMES WILSON: It would be cruel. Don't... [can't finish]

LISA CUDDY: Wake Amber up. See her again. Tell her what
she means to you.

JAMES WILSON: Wake her up to tell her that she's... that
she's...

[He breaks down and covers his face as he weeps. Cuddy
gives him an encouraging hug. He continues to sob.]

LISA CUDDY: You are waking her up so that you can both
say good-bye to each other. She would want it.


CUT TO:

[Aerial view of PPTH. Evening.]


CUT TO:

[PPTH ICU. Evening. Chase takes Amber off the anesthesia,
as Wilson stands at her bedside. Finished, Chase walks up
to Wilson and nods sympathetically. Patting him on the
shoulder, he leaves. Wilson wipes away his tears and walks
close to Amber. He waits for her to wake up. Slowly, she
opens her eyes. He leans over to her and strokes her hair.
She smiles weakly at him.]

JAMES WILSON: [gently] Hey.

AMBER VOLAKIS: [softly] Hey.

[He smiles lovingly at her.]

JAMES WILSON: You're in the hospital.

[She notices the bypass machines nearby.]

AMBER VOLAKIS: I'm on bypass.

JAMES WILSON: Yeah. Do you remember what happened?

AMBER VOLAKIS: Got on the bus.

[As the realization hits her, she breaks down.]

AMBER VOLAKIS: [choking] I shouldn't have gotten on the
bus.

JAMES WILSON: No. No, it's not your fault. It's not your
fault.

AMBER VOLAKIS: How bad?

JAMES WILSON: [deep breath] You had tachycardia. It's
complicated by complete renal failure. The tachycardia
degenerated into V-fib... followed by hepatic failure.

[She understands. Wide-eyed, she slowly shakes her head,
tears welling up in her eyes.]

AMBER VOLAKIS: The flu pills?

JAMES WILSON: [nods, fighting tears] Yeah.

AMBER VOLAKIS: [sobs] I'm dead.

JAMES WILSON: [unable to ] I love you.

AMBER VOLAKIS: [barely audible as she cries] I love you
too.

[Wilson presses his forehead against hers as they both
weep softly.]


CUT TO:

[Diagnostics Office. Evening. The Fellows and Foreman
mope in the office.]

"THIRTEEN": We should say good-bye.

CHRIS TAUB: She didn't even like us.

LAWRENCE KUTNER: We liked her.

CHRIS TAUB: Did we?

ERIC FOREMAN: We do now.

CHRIS TAUB: [shrugs] What do we say?

LAWRENCE KUTNER: We don't need to say anything.

[They all look at each other.]

CUE MUSIC: "Re: Stacks" - Bon Iver


CUT TO:

[PPTH ICU. Evening. As Wilson sits depressed at Amber's
bedside, Kutner comes up behind him, patting him on the
shoulder as he walks in front of Amber's bed. Amber looks
at him. Kutner smiles awkwardly at Amber and turns his
head away.]

# This my excavation and to... #

[Fade to Taub standing at her left side. He kisses his fingers
and places them on her head.]

[Fade to Foreman standing at Amber's right side. He looks
sadly at Wilson and then at Amber.]

# ... day is kumran #

[Fade to "Thirteen" coming over to Amber's side and giving
her a loving hug. Amber, though too weak to respond,
appreciates the gesture.]

FADE TO:

[Aerial View of PPTH. Evening.]

# Everything that happens #


FADE TO:

[PPTH ICU. Evening. Wilson lies next to Amber in her bed,
holding her tightly.]

# Is from now on #
# This is pouring rain #
# This is paralyzed... #

AMBER VOLAKIS: [softly] I'm tired.

[Grief-stricken, Wilson nods.]

AMBER VOLAKIS: I think it's time to go to sleep.

[Wilson shuts his eyes tight in sorrow.]

JAMES WILSON: Just a little longer.

AMBER VOLAKIS: We are always gonna want just a little
longer.

JAMES WILSON: I don't think I can do it. [sobs]

AMBER VOLAKIS: It's okay.

JAMES WILSON: It's not okay. Why is it okay with you? Why
aren't you angry?

AMBER VOLAKIS: [shakes her head] That's... not... the last
feeling I want to experience.

# The sound of the unlocking #
# And the lift away #
# Your love will be safe with me... #

[Wilson kisses her tenderly. He looks at her. Then, with an
anguished sigh, he turns around and presses the OFF keys
on the bypass machines. Quickly, he turns back her to her.
She looks at him lovingly and starts to stiffen. He watches
grief-stricken as she lets out a faint sigh and her eyes close.
He starts to sob as he touches her lifeless face.]

END MUSIC.

FADE TO:

[House's Room. Evening. Top-down view. Taub and Cuddy
hover over a comatose House.]

CUE MUSIC: "Light for the Deadvine" - People in Planes

LISA CUDDY: [hands Taub a clipboard] I think he's stable.

CHRIS TAUB: Still non-responsive.

[The camera zooms slowly towards House's face, as Cuddy
and Taub speak. The camera stops at the eyes.]


CUT TO:

[House's Subconscious/Bus to Afterlife. Day. A bright white
light illuminates the bus. House's eyes open suddenly. He
looks around confused, sitting in a bus seat, still in his
hospital gown. He looks to his right and sees Amber sitting
beside him, smiling. She's wearing a pink pantsuit. She's
looking away from him, her face radiant, devoid of all her
earthly wounds.]

GREG HOUSE: You're dead.

AMBER VOLAKIS: Everybody dies.

GREG HOUSE: Am I dead?

[She turns her head slowly to look at him. He waits
expectantly. Shrugging, he turns away again.]

END MUSIC.

AMBER VOLAKIS: Not yet.

GREG HOUSE: Should be.

AMBER VOLAKIS: Why?

GREG HOUSE: Because life shouldn't be random. Because
lonely, misanthropic drug addicts should die in bus crashes,
and young do-gooders in love, who get dragged out of their
apartment in the middle of the night, should walk away
clean.

AMBER VOLAKIS: Self-pity isn't like you.

GREG HOUSE: [shrugs] No, well, I'm branching out from
self-loathing and self-destruction. [beat] Wilson is gonna
hate me.

AMBER VOLAKIS: [playfully] You kind of deserve it.

[House looks at her.]

GREG HOUSE: He's my best friend.

AMBER VOLAKIS: I know.

[Camera focuses on their feet. They're both barefoot. She
crosses her feet.]

AMBER VOLAKIS: [leans close to House, whispers] What
now?

GREG HOUSE: I could stay here with you.

[She shakes her head.]

AMBER VOLAKIS: [softly] Get off the bus.

[House ponders for a second and shakes his head.]

GREG HOUSE: I can't.

AMBER VOLAKIS: Why not?

GREG HOUSE: Because... [beat, smirks sadly] because it
doesn't hurt here. I let it... I don't wanna be in pain. I don't
wanna be miserable. And I don't want him to hate me.

AMBER VOLAKIS: Well, you can't always get what you want.

CUE MUSIC: "Passing Afternoon" - Iron and Wine

[On hearing the line from the "poet Jagger", House looks at
her. He gets up and starts to walk away from her, towards
the bus door. She remains seated.]

# There are times that walk from you #
# Like some passing afternoon #

[Amber watches calmly as he walks off. She smiles as the
white light engulfs her.]

# Summer warmed the open window of her
honeymoon #

FLASH TO:

[House's Room. Night. House's eyes open slowly.]

# And she chose a yard to burn #
# But the ground remembers her #
# Wooden spoons, her children stir #

[The music fades as Cuddy leans over House, her concern
writ all over her face.]

LISA CUDDY: Hey, I'm here. Blink if you can hear me.

[House blinks absent-mindedly.]

# There are things that drift away #

[Cuddy sighs deeply in relief. House inhales, about to say
something.]

LISA CUDDY: No, shh, don't try to talk. Just rest.

[House closes his eyes.]


CUT TO:

[PPTH Laboratory. Night. "Thirteen" sits alone. Trying to
stay emotionless, she presses a button on the printer. A
hardcopy comes out.]

# Autumn blew the quilt right off #
# The perfect bed she made #

[The hardcopy shows in red: HUNTINGTON'S:______POS*.
Angrily, she crumples up the paper. Turning off the light,
she prepares to leave.]

# And she's chosen to believe #


CUT TO:

[Taub's Home. Night. Taub stands near his bed, where his
wife sleeps. He sets down his briefcase, crawls onto the bed
and hugs his wife tightly.]

# In the hymns her mother sings #
# Sunday pulls its children #
# From their piles of fallen leaves #


CUT TO:
[Kutner's Apartment. Night. Kutner watches TV, eating
cereal. It's like another day in the office for him.]

# There are sailing ships that pass #
# All our bodies in the grass #


CUT TO:

[Bar. Night. Foreman sits sadly at a table. Chase comes up
(in street clothes) and claps him on the shoulder. Cameron's
with him. Cheering up, Foreman moves over in the seat, so
Chase and Cameron can sit.]

# Springtime calls our children #
# Till she lets them go at last #
# And she's chosen where to be #


CUT TO:

[House's Room. Night. Wilson stands at the door, looking
somber, watching House as he sleeps. Cuddy sleeps,
huddled on an armchair nearby.]

# Though she's lost her wedding ring #
# Somewhere near her misplaced jar #


[House wakes up and sees Wilson. House looks at him
hopefully. Wilson just seems relieved House is awake, but
that's all.]

# Of bougainvillea seeds #
# There are things we can't recall #
# Blind as night that finds us all #

[He turns and walks slowly away, as House watches
silently.]


CUT TO:

[Wilson and Amber's Apartment. Night. Wilson walks
weakly inside.]

# Winter tucks her children in #
# Her fragile china-dolls #
# But she'll mend his tattered clothes #

[He falls on the bed and lies on his side.]

# And they'll kiss as if they know #

[He notices a note under Amber's pillow. He takes it out.]

# A baby sleeps in all our bones #
# So scared to be alo-o-one #

[Unfolding it, he reads it. It says, "Sorry I'm not here. Went
to pick up House.", a heart sign and "A". Wilson looks at
Amber's letter with growing emotion. He folds it back and
grips it between his palms. He presses it to his chest in
sorrow.]


CUT TO:

[House's Room. Night. Cuddy lies asleep on the armchair.
Her arm is extended out, her hand clasping House's hand.
House lies in bed, awake, staring off into the distance.]