CHAPTER 1 FINDING MY FOOTING

Abandoned
I took a deep breath and stood completely still. My body and my thought process
were immobilized as if someone--or something--had switched off the power. I was
panic-stricken, temporarily frozen in place as though I were imitating a department store
manikin. Despite my confusion, I finally mustered up enough movement to complete a
360 frantically searching in every direction. It took approximately sixty seconds for the
all too familiar feelings of fear and panic to overrule my senses and threaten any logic.
It only took two to three additional minutes for me to come to the realization that my
boyfriend had purposely run off leaving me abandoned on the top of a densely, wooded,
threatening mountain at dusk. It was then and there I had the first of several life
changing awakenings; he was a jerk and I wasnt amused!
He thought it would be funny to leave me behind to find my own way down the
mountain. He had no idea of the life-changing thought process he set in motion in my
head. His actions began the process of an awakening for me. Feeling terrified and
paralyzed in the face of my fears was certainly not a new experience.
As long as I could remember, I was a fearful person. I cant tell you how many
times I heard, Fraidy-cat, fraidy-cat, Janie is a fraidy-cat. On that day, I was once
again on the top of a mountain facing my enemyfear. An enemy I allowed to place me
in the helpless, frozen state of mind I had experienced so many times before. Im not
sure what was different about this particular time and place that caused me to have my
second, more dramatic awakening, other than thinking I was closer to God because I
was on the top of a very high mountain. Perhaps, it was for that reason I prayed out
loud, Oh God, can you help me? I need help.
By this time, I had to admit the moisture on my cheeks had to be identified as
tears. I was an18 year old woman: independent, strong and with a respectable job in
retail management. It occurred to me I should be handling my fear in a more mature
manner. Once again, I spoke out loud, this time to myself, Get a grip, Jane. I refused
to let my fear take control. Discovering the power of self-talk, I lectured myself in a
brave new voice of encouragement, Youre not a child anymore. Youre a capable
young woman. No crying.

Awakenings Beget Awakenings
He who knows not, and knows not that he knows not, is a fool, avoid him.
He who knows not, and knows that he knows not, is a child, teach him.
He who knows and know not that he knows, is asleep, wake him.
He who knows and knows that he knows, is wise, follow him.
(Persian Proverb)
The necessary realitywe are all children of life. We need to learn to be forever
students, receivers of wise lessons and strong vessels willing to sail through the rough
waters. Awakenings beget awakenings: mine continued as I matured. I encountered
many more valuable bits and pieces of wisdom you will discover in the following
chapters.
For now, I will only tell you of one important piece of the puzzle that can place
ones life on the firmest of foundations. Be aware, finding your footing is an ongoing,
forever process that will enable you to stand strong on your intended pathway. Life can
be a bully at times, tripping us up at every opportunity, or knocking us down. Doing what
bullies do bestcausing us to be off balance and loose our footing. All of us will
encounter lifes bullies; threatening challenges, difficult obstacles and repeated
discouragement. It doesnt matter how many times we are knocked down, the victory is
always with the one who refuses to stay down; the one who persists in getting up will
eventually be victorious. Persistence is an individual mental decision that awakens the
energy for the fortitude to get up as many times as it takes, and persistent faith in Him
who created us, the one who knows us best, is the firm foundation for victory.
Time passed, lessons were learned, my level of maturity increased as life moved
on. Educational, career and personal opportunities expanded. I married at the close of
my 19
th
year and emerged as a happy wife and mother. As a young family, together we
explored our values and beliefs fulfilling a need to develop an active faith in God and
church attendance.
Then one day, without warning, I rounded too many unfamiliar corners and ended
up stranded on another threatening mountain. I was unprepared for the problems,
failures, and heartbreaking life situations that would once again trip me up. Divorce
ensued resulting in difficult living arrangements, and my beloved first born, then 10
years old, wanted to stay with his father and remain in his familiar surroundings and
school. I was devastated...lost and disoriented in unfamiliar territory following a path of
disaster.
Unselfish, devoted love for my child and strong motherly instincts overshadowed
my confusion. I agreed to my sons request, certain I was doing what was in his best
interest. Regardless of my honorable intentions, I was judged and harshly criticizeda
merciful heavenly Father demonstrated His unselfish love for me in a very dark hour of
need. In His perfect timing, He stirred my thoughts with the memory of a familiar Bible
story of Moses and a Godly mothers sacrificial love for her child. I was feeling exactly
what she felt on the day she placed her child in a basket sending him afloat down the
river. (Exodus 2:1-10)
In a misguided attempt to establish my bearings I ignored the boundaries and
wandered from the safety of my intended footpath. I had lost my footing completely. No
ones life proceeds without consequences. I will forever be haunted with the question of
whether I made the right choices because both positive and negative outcomes ensued.
I was blessed with sharing quality time with my son. We had a close mother, son bond
as he grew into a wonderful young man. However, as a result of decisions made by his
father and me, he struggled with personal difficulties. I have been relentlessly bullied by
my self- imposed guilt. The hole of doubt in my heart never completely healed. To this
day, I still participate in a private, painful controversy with myself. Im not alone, am I? I
know some of you are relating to this same pain.

BEWARE ...He who knows and knows not that he knows, is asleep, wake him.
Once again, the basic truth will rear its head. We are imperfect, flesh and blood
human beings. Denying it will not make it less true. Inevitably, there will be times in our
lives when we have been awakened only to stubbornly choose to hit the snooze button
once too often. Knowing what we should do, but not doing it. We choose to go back to
sleep. We are not robots. We have been created with the freedom to choose. God is not
a tyrant. He created us in love and in great wisdom, often, in ways beyond our earthly
understanding. He allows us to follow our own heart, to choose to ignore the callto
dismiss the purpose of the alarm and what we already know. We make a foolish,
conscious decision to stay in the same position and doze offeven allowing ourselves
to fall completely back into a deep sleep of complacency.

Life Happens
Misguided, bad decisions, broken friendships, remarriage, miscarriage, financial
struggles, serious illnesses, and other storms continued to blow across my life with
destructive force. I remarried; very bad decision. My first born, living with his father,
became of age. He graduated High School, and went away to college. Eventually,
following his dreams, he moved across the country to California. His personal struggles
moved with him. We maintained frequent contact and a healthy, close mother/son
relationship. I thank God I had the opportunity to be a supportive parent and a positive
influence in resolving some of his struggles.
The birth of my youngest son was a blessing in my life; however, we lived under
the constant strain of his fathers mental health issues. Being resilient, I maintained my
footing and a strong faith. I had secure employment, continued my educational and
developed a strong support system. Due to my husband's on-going problems, contact
with mental health professionals was routine. It was the advice of a very wise counselor
that awakened me to face another one of life's harsh realities. "If he doesn't get better,
you all will get sick." she gently, but firmly stated. He didnt get better; things got
worse...the consequences of previous choices would have to be faced. As a result of
many complicated circumstances, my innocent, young son suffered with depression
throughout adolescence and into adulthood. A second divorce, another broken
relationship was heartbreaking and humiliating, but inevitable.

An Earthquake Followed by After Shocks
Then, the unbelievablethe tragic death of my first born, adult son hit me like a
ton of bricks. I found myself on a dark, life altering journey that tested every aspect of
who I thought I was, my faith, and everything I ever believed about my lifes pathway. In
the throws of grief and heartbreaking loss, the brook dried up...I was depressed. I
struggled, I wrestled, I wandered, I fell down, I got up, I got lost, but I kept going. I took
two steps forward, one step back, but moving none-the-less. Both before and after the
tragic loss of my son, I lived through the loss of other loved ones to death.
Guess what...physical flaws reared their ugly head. Emotional pain united with
extreme physical pain and the inability to walk. Doctors and x-rays revealed the need for
a total hip replacement. Daily discomfort and sleepless nights lead to immediate life
changes. There was limited physical ability, numerous doctor appointments, early
retirement and then preparations for hip surgery. Footing lost, footing found...pre-tests
for hip replacement revealed a life-threatening aortic valve birth defectfooting lost
with the amazing love and support of my God, my husband, my family and friends,
eventually, I can to rest on a safe foundation of healing and renewed purpose.
I successfully wrote and published my first book, "Grief and Loss, Honest Talks
with God" on the very heals of my pain and sorrow, while waiting to undergo life-
threatening, open heart surgery. Three months later, I was permitted to have the
replacement surgery receiving a much needed, really cool, shiny titanium hip. I'll soon
qualify as a bionic woman.
The slow recovery and rehabilitation after two major surgeries was long and
arduous. Another awakening followeda new appreciation for the phrase Finding my
footing realizing it now has two separate meanings. Independence, a word high on my
list of priorities, also took on an entirely new meaning. After facing two difficult therapies,
I found myself needing to be taken care of, both physically and emotionally, instead of
my usual welcomed responsibility of taking care of others. It was more than a
frightening mountain at dusk. It was a mountain that magnified my existing fears and left
me with episodes of threatening anxiety to conquer. Unlike my original mountain
experience, I was not left abandoned for even a moment.

Abandoned 2:
Suddenly, something came over me. I felt a surge of confidence and a lightening-
like flash of wisdom. In spite of my fear--which really hadnt disappeared--I spoke boldly
to myself. Okay, what are you going to do, stay up here on this mountain for the rest
of your life? Its only going to get darker and scarier. Do something, get moving...theres
a path, follow it. As long as its headed down it has to lead somewhere better than this.
A second awakening struck my thoughts like a bolt of lightning. Im a human
being. I have fears like everyone else in this world. Theyre not going away. Theyre a
part of my life and Im going to have to find a way to deal with them. Today is as good a
day as any!
Then something happened. I swear I heard something; a clear, gentle voice. It was
so real I turned my head as if it would help me hear better. Make it work for you, not
against you, the voice said. Your fear will bury you, only if you permit it, but you can let
it build you up. This is a detour not a dead end.
In my fear, I stood up to my enemy in a fashion true to my ancestryhalf stubborn
Dutchman and half bullheaded German. That day I was awakened to the reality of what
it means to be human; this wasnt the first mountain Id ever been stuck on, nor would it
be the last. But at the same time, I was also awakened to the existence of a Divine
Creator, one greater and wiser than I would ever be. A sense of new strength emerged
from deep inside me. I was stirred by a realization that the power of prayer through faith
gave me the answer I needed. God made His presence known to me standing right
there, by my side. I felt His love that day as He guided me onto the pathway leading me
safely down the mountain.
As a flesh and blood human being, I know I am imperfect. I may be paralyzed by
fear, deceived by flaws and discouraged by failures but I have learned how they can be
my teacher not my undertaker. God intended them to work together for my good.
Whether I need to find a pathway down and away from my human innate
characteristics, or struggle to climb up and over them, my Creator can direct and
stabilize my footing until I reach the intended destination. Remaining immobilized or
giving up is not a viable option for me. It is a deception I will reject.



Keep Moving Forward
If we are to live with any semblance of purpose, we must keep moving forward in
the face of every challenge, problem or obstacles with persistence and the
determination to make it over, under, down or through the mountains that threaten.
Everyone will have trials and tribulations in life. We will all come up against jerks,
bullies, and enemies that will magnify the innate fears, flaws and failures of being
human. We can move forward. We can be equipped to face, to overcome and proceed
to successfully reach our destinationwilling to recognize them, admit they exist and
take appropriate action.

He who conceals his disease cannot be cured.
(Ethiopian Proverb)
In an interview, Robin Roberts, diagnosed with cancer, faced a terrifying and
painful procedure to save her life. She shared how she courageously overcame her
fear. She testified to her faith and the strong support of family and friends. She shared
the wisdom of a friend who told her, Just move one foot, than move the other foot and
breathe.
Its simple and its true, but we all know how difficult it can be. What struck me was
Robins honesty in admitting that there were those days when fear would creep in and
get the best of her no matter what she did. Mamma said thered be days like this. She
was not ashamed or embarrassed about having those weak moments; just aware of her
humanity.
Remember, finding your footing is a forever process. Be awakened, but beware of
falling back asleep. Focus on getting up, not giving up. Its about making the right
decisions and continually moving forward, but you are not alone. The God who created
you is available and has your intended pathway already mapped out.
Fears, flaws and failures are tools and they can be your friends. God intended
them for good, not evil. These friends will tell you truth. In the following chapters you will
learn more about the tools He provides and how to use them to build a firm foundation
for a satisfying, meaningful life. I'll share other discoveries of my journey down the
mountain that taught me the dangers of falling back asleep. Life events that hurt the
most proved to be the best teacher in my life. It was my failures and life's storms that
gave birth to persistence and revealed the dormant tenacity of my heritage. But, it is
God's mercy which I don't deserve, and His amazing grace that rescued [saved] me
from the bad consequences of what I do deserve that gave me hope for a future.
And we know that God causes all things to work together for good to those who love
God, to those who are called according to His purpose. Romans 8:28
Positive change happened because I finally took responsibility to apply the
necessary action. Change will occur when we, as individuals, decide to follow the right
pathway with the determination to stay there, and in some cases to return there. You
will achieve success when you choose not to focus on your fears, flaws and failures, or
how many times you may have lost your footing in the past. Focus on getting up, not
giving up. Your first challenge is to move forward and continue reading. Be open to
discovering your footing and how to fortify a firm foundation in the heavenly Father who
created you. He will never leave you alone nor forsake you on a dark threatening
mountain.
A firm foundation is built and reinforced on the back of every mountain [obstacle]
we conquer. Acknowledging and standing up to every fear, flaw and failure will give you
insight to your individual, God intended purpose and significance. There are no magic
wands, pills or promises that will do it for you in 5, 10, or 20 days. It will take as long as
it takes you to make the decision, to take the appropriate action, to stay on the right
path and to keep moving forward. "If you keep on doing what you've always done, you'll
keep on getting what you always got." (author unknown)
In circumstances of life, 'it is all about you' and what you are willing to do. It is
about you staying motivated to discover and apply the right resources. Resources that
are available and can result in you becoming the best person you want to be and the
one God intended you to be when He created you.
Fears, flaws and failures are your friends! Isnt it time to make them work for you
instead of against you?

...you mean evil against me, but God meant it for good in order to bring about
this present result... Genesis 50:20









ARJ Edits/Suggestions Post Janes Review Of Initial Edits


Editorial Outline:
I. Mountaintop story, pt. 1 (tell part of it, but leave your reader hanging until the
end of the chapter so theyll want to read and see what happens)
a. Briefly allude to chapters main theme, but dont get into it yet
II. Janes life story
III. Begin teaching/wisdom about main theme, but make sure you make a lot of
references to the story (Janes story) you just told, and maybe even give some
new information about that story
IV. Finish the mountain top story
V. Finish the lesson



Ideas:

Jane,

Ive made some comments here in the Google doc as well as one or two rearrangements.
Im really struggling with our structure. Like I said, I think all the pieces are here, I just
dont feel they are in the right place and some of your points/narrative elements are
confusing or unclear.

Ive made the outline above to try and get us on a track that works better structurally. Once
we nail that down, we can really start finessing details, like what points of this chapter to
emphasize and which ones to soften.

Take a look at my comments and tell me what you think and if you can, comment on the
changes Ive suggested.

Thanks!