G2E 9th Revision

DORKNESS RISING
THE GAMERS: SECOND EDITION

by
Matt Vancil
1
1. BLACK MATTE

Animated intro sequence with character sheets.

2. INT. DUNGEON - CORRIDOR

Torchlight flickers down a dark dungeon corridor.

Turk, a massive armored warrior, turns the corner.
Fastidian, a robed priest, and Rennard, a swarthy rogue,
follow him. Nodwick, a runty servant with a large treasure
chest on his back, brings up the rear

A door blocks the end of the corridor. Turk reaches for it,
but Rennard catches his arm and points to cryptic runes on
the door. Turk yanks his arm away.

Fastidian grips his medallion, the Sunburst of Therin, and
chants softly. The Sunburst glows. The runes on the door
burst into flame and burn away.

3. INT. DUNGEON CAVE

A sliver of light shines through a peephole in a brick
wall. Heaps of dirty rags lie piled in the corners.

Rennard silently opens the door.

RENNARD
Nodwick, stay here until we return.

NODWICK (OS)
Aye, my lord.

Rennard enters, followed by Turk and Fastidian.

Inside, Rennard spots the gap in the wall. Fastidians
Sunburst flares.

FASTIDIAN
Ghouls!

The heaps in the corners leap to their feet. The rag-
creatures draw weapons and charge the Heroes, screaming.

2
Turk kills three Ghouls with his axe. Rennard stabs one in
the back. Fastidian grips his Sunburst and points at the
last two.

FASTIDIAN
Turn!

The Sunburst flares. The Ghouls shriek and burst into
clouds of blue dust.

Rennard peers through the peephole. He waves the others
over for a look.

4. INT. DUNGEON ROOM BEHIND THE WALL

Turk smashes through the wall with his shield. Bricks fly
everywhere.

Two Ghouls stand guard at another door. They lower their
spears and charge the heroes.

5. INT. DUNGEON ANTECHAMBER

The sounds of a struggle and clash of arms drift through
the door before Turk kicks it open. Turk strides inside
with Fastidian and Rennard.

TURK
Mort Kemnon!

Mort Kemnon broods on a black throne, shrouded in darkness.
Shadows hide his face.

MORT KEMNON
Uninvited guests.

RENNARD
Your reign of terror ends here!

Fastidian aims his glowing Sunburst at Kemnon.

FASTIDIAN
By the light of Therin, you shall fall!

KEMNON
What good is the light of your goddess?
She cannot help you here.
3

Black energy crackles around Kemnons hand. The light
around the Sunburst blinks out. The Heroes stare at the
darkened Sunburst in dread.

FASTIDIAN
No. We're --

KEMNON
Doomed.

Shrieking ghouls pour in through entrances to the side of
the throne. They surround the Heroes.

A Ghoul cuts Fastidian down from behind. He falls in a pool
of blood.

TURK
Fastidian!

Turk lunges towards Fastidian, but a Ghoul hamstrings him.
Turk collapses. Ghouls swarm him and hack him to death.

Rennard finds himself alone and wounded in a circle of
Ghouls. He glares at Kemnon.

RENNARD
This doesnt end here!

KEMNON
It does for you.

Ghouls stab Rennard. Dying, he falls on the corpses of Turk
and Fastidian. Kemnon laughs, dark and deep.

CASS (VO)
Crap!

6. INT. GAMING STORE

Cass (Rennard), Gary (Fastidian), and Leo (Turk) share a
table in the back of a gaming store with Lodge. Gaming
books and junk food cover the table.

Cass glares at Gary.

CASS
4
Was there some reason you didnt turn
those ghouls? Since that could have
helped us not die?

GARY
Maybe it was because I lost my powers.
See, sometimes I need my turn undead
powers to turn undead.

LEO
Way to detect the trap, Cass. The Grey
Mouser would be proud.

CASS
That was an ambush, not a trap. Even you
should know the difference. I found the
trap on the door, didnt I? Next time,
Ill let you take both barrels in the
face!

LODGE
Hey, guys?

CASS
And way to defend the cleric there, Conan.
He lived all of -- what, six seconds?
Real smart, giving them that clear path
to the healer.

LEO
I didnt see you helping. In fact, I saw
you dying like a whiny little peasant.

CASS
Maybe I died because our battle turtle
wasnt doing his job.

LODGE
Guys? Hello?

LEO
How am I supposed to kill everything in
the room when I get flanked?
(points at Cass)
Youre supposed to keep people off my ass.
(points at Gary)
And youre supposed to keep healing me.
5

GARY
Which brings us back to my lack of powers,
which I didnt have after I lost them. Did
I mention losing my powers?

LODGE
Guys!

The others finally look at Lodge.

LODGE
Guys, chill the frell out. Its nobodys
fault.

LEO
If he hadnt cut you off, Gary, we totally
wouldve had him.

GARY
I didnt know that was even possible,
cutting off a cleric from his God.

CASS
Its not. Not in the core rules, it
isnt.

Cass, Gary, and Leo glare accusingly at Lodge.

LODGE
I told you Id be taking some liberties
with the rules.

CASS
Some liberties? You broke a basic rule
of the game. Why play a cleric if the
GM can strip him of his powers? Thats
just broken.

LODGE
It fits the story.

CASS
It doesnt fit the rules!

LODGE
Story trumps rules!
6

CASS
Again with this argument.

Cass and Lodge glower at each other. An Employee approaches
Leo and takes his ear.

EMPLOYEE
Boss, were down to our display copy of
Pizzajitsu.

LEO
And of course, I cant expect you to know
where we keep our product, seeing as how
you work for me.
(to the other Gamers)
Argue on.

Leo leads Employee behind a counter, where he makes a big
show of discovering more product on the shelves.

LODGE
What would you rather have, an original
fantasy world with its own pitfalls and
mysteries, or just another cookie cutter
setting with no real surprises?

CASS
The question is moot. I play to win.

LODGE
This is not a video game! Im your
storyteller, not your referee.

CASS
You should have told us that in your world,
a cleric can be cut off from his god.

LODGE
Why should I have told you that?

CASS
Gary, would you have played a cleric if
you knew Lodge could shut him down?

GARY
Hell, no.
7

LODGE
Thats player knowledge, not character
knowledge. Youd know, but your character
wouldnt.

CASS
That is just cheap. Cheap, cheap, cheap!

GARY
Talk a lot, pick a little more.

CASS
It is not cool to let a character advance
that far and then pull something that huge
on him.

LODGE
It was supposed to be a nasty surprise,
something you werent expecting.

CASS
And because we werent expecting it, the
party died. This is what happens when you
mess with the rules. I mean, what were
you thinking?

LODGE
Oh, I dont know, that maybe itd actually
force you to role play.

CASS
What do you think we were doing?

Leo returns to the table.

LEO
Same time next week?

GARY
I'm good.

LEO
The next Samurai Baseball expansion
comes out on Friday. Looks pretty cool.
If you strike out, you commit seppuku.

8
CASS
No, we're doing this again.

LEO
This same campaign?

GARY
We've done it twice already!

LODGE
You want to do my campaign again?

CASS
Ive beaten every game Ive ever played.
I have a reputation. There is not a game
on these shelves that can beat me. What
kind of gamer would I be if I let an
unpublished mod get the best of us?

LODGE
Thanks, Cass. Thats real thoughtful.

7. INT. LODGES APARTMENT NIGHT

Lodge drops a stack of books on his coffee table. Guen, his
large black cat, meows for attention. Lodge pets him.

8. INT. LODGES STUDY NIGHT

Lodge drops into his computer chair and kills the
screensaver. On screen, an otherwise blank document reads:
Introduction.

Beneath Introduction, Lodge types: dick. He sighs. Then
he highlights dick and italicizes it. He sighs again.

The phone rings. Lodge answers.

LODGE
Diiiiick.

GARY (VO)
Hey, Lodge? Its Gary.

9. INT. GAMING STORE NIGHT

Gary sits on the counter, phone in hand. In the background,
9
Cass and Leo square off over a board game. A dozen beer
cans, some empty, some full, litter the table.

GARY
We need two more players.

LODGE (VO)
Dude, Ive got work in the morning.

GARY
No, no, for your campaign.

10. INT. LODGES STUDY

Lodge sits in his chair, phone in hand.

GARY (VO)
Its why we keep dying. We need a more
rounded group. Theres only so much
damage three hombres can do.

LODGE
Yeah, okay. That might work.

CASS (VO)
Bye bye, Caesar! Didnt see that coming,
did you?

LODGE
You guys are still gaming?


Cass and removes a piece from the board. Leo groans.

CASS
Take that, Siddhartha! Budd-hya!

LEO
Damn it!

CASS
Drink up!

Leo cracks open a beer and chugs it.

GARY
10
Were playing Time Felons. You get
to go back through time and beat the crap
out of historical figures. I totally
bushwhacked Lincoln!

LODGE (VO)
Dont you have class in the morning?

GARY
Yeah, in like five hours.

Leo rolls dice and cheers. He grabs a piece from the board.

LEO
Yeah! Take that, Jesus!

GARY
I gotta go. It's almost my turn.

LEO
Who's the Messiah now?

Gary hangs up and springs off the counter.


Lodge hangs up the phone and looks at the screen. He shuts
down the computer.

13. EXT. COFFEE SHOP - DAY

Pedestrians meander outside an independent coffee shop on
the corner.

MARK (VO)
Hows the writing coming?

14. INT. COFFEE SHOP - DAY

Lodge shares a table with Mark, a darkly handsome man of
the same age.

LODGE
I'm stuck. Blocked.

MARK
What's the problem?
11

LODGE
I don't know how to end it. I know how it
ends, I just dont know how to get there.

MARK
That's not good.

LODGE
I ran the group through it twice, but they
died both times. They didnt try anything
new, but they blame me for them biting
it. Ungrateful munchkins. Were going to
start all over again once we find a couple
more players. Honestly, Im kind of dreading
it.

Cass leads Joanna into the shop. She is tall and beautiful,
with long hair. They order from the bar.

MARK
What system are you running?

LODGE
Second Edition.

MARK
How do you like it?

LODGE
It's so much smoother than First. Combat
is cleaner, more character options. A
lot of streamlining, basically.

Lodge brightens, inspired.

LODGE
Hey, why dont you join? You gamed all
the time in college. What do you say?

Mark pales. He pushes back in his chair.

MARK
No. God, no. I havent gamed since --
[BEAT] The Incident.

Mark stares blankly off into space.
12

MARK
I was there twenty minutes before it
happened. [BEAT] It could have been me.

LODGE
Total party wipeout?

MARK
Like you cant imagine.

LODGE
Okay.

Cass saunters over to the table, coffee in hand. Lodge is
less than overjoyed to see him.

LODGE
Hey, Cass.

CASS
Lodge.

Cass turns to Mark and shakes his hand.

CASS
Mark! I havent seen you forever. Its
like I forget you even exist.

MARK
I get that a lot.

Cass turns his attention back to Lodge.

CASS
So, I found one of the new players.

LODGE
Do I know him?

CASS
Her. Joanna keeps nagging me to get
involved. I figure we'll make her a
fighter. They're easy enough to play.

LODGE
Joanna?
13

Joanna arrives at the table, coffee in hand.

LODGE
Your ex will be gaming with us?

JOANNA
Yes, finally.

Lodge frowns uncertainly. Cass thumps him on the chest.

CASS
Whats the matter, Lodge? Never gamed
with a girl before?

Cass downs his coffee and crushes the cup.

CASS
Im taking off. See you scrubs tomorrow.

Cass heads out of the shop.

JOANNA
Apparently, were leaving. See you at Leo's.
I'll try not to slow things down too much.

LODGE
If you're worried about that, you should
give this a look.

Lodge pulls a game book out of his bag and offers it.

LODGE
Player's Handbook. It's got all the
rules, everything you need to know.

JOANNA
Thanks, Kevin. I'll look it over.

Joanna takes the book and exits.

MARK
Kevin? Who the hell is Kevin?

LODGE
I'm Kevin!
14

MARK
You have a first name?

15. EXT. GAMING STORE - DAY

Joanna gets out of her car and heads inside.

16. INT. GAMING STORE - DAY

Cass, Gary, and Leo share a table in the back with Lodge.
Cass sees Joanna and waves her over.

LODGE
Everyones here.

LEO
Wheres player number five?

GARY
Number Five is alive!

LODGE
There is no fifth player.

GARY
I thought you were going to get us
another player, Lodge.

LODGE
I was. I tried. I asked fifteen people,
all regulars. Apparently, we have a
reputation. Nobody in their right
mind wants to game with us.

Cass beams and nods.

CASS
What did I say? You make one eleven-
year-old cry, they stop bugging you.

Gary high-fives Cass.

LEO
We still need another player.

15
LODGE
Ive taken care of it.

LEO
But no one else is playing with us.

LODGE
Correct.

LEO
Show me more of this Earth thing called
logic.

LODGE
Ive taken care of it! Now, this is a
mid-level campaign, so well be starting
characters at fifth level.

Cass passes Lodge a character sheet.

CASS
Heres Jos character.

JOANNA
Hey, what are you doing?

CASS
I made a character for you.

JOANNA
I want to play my own character!

CASS
Of course you do. Thats why I made you
one.

JOANNA
What, you think I cant make a character
of my own?

CASS
Youve never played before. Were all
experienced. We know what we need in a
group. If youre going to be our fighter,
there are requirements you need to meet.

JOANNA
16
Like what?

CASS
The fighter must be the strongest guy
in the party, with a high Armor Class
and hit points out the ass. Thats what
I made for you. And shes even female.

JOANNA
Let me see that.

Joanna takes the character sheet from Lodge and scans it.

JOANNA
Bikini mail? What the hell is bikini
mail?

CASS
Only the best armor a woman can wear!

GARY
Theres a picture of it right here.

Gary points out a busty barbarian woman clad in bikini
chain mail. Shes swinging a broadsword.

JOANNA
That looks like it chafes.
(checks sheet)
She fights with a broad-sword?

CASS
Get it?

Leo, Gary, and Cass laugh. Joanna frowns.

JOANNA
Kevin, help me out here.

CASS
Kevin?

Cass, Gary, and Leo turn to Lodge, amused.

GARY
Your name is Kevin?

17
LEO
You have a first name?
LODGE
Guys, if Joanna made a character, she
gets to play it. We have no right to say
otherwise.

CASS
I agree with you in principle, Kevin,
but shes new. I dont want her to die
just because shes inexperienced.

JOANNA
What makes you think Im gonna die?

CASS
History. New guy always dies.

Gary nods emphatically. Leo frowns sorrowfully.

GARY
That is so true. Remember back when those
Halfling pirates -- ?

LEO
Shut up.

GARY
And that time those gnome shopkeepers
ambushed -- ?

LEO
Shut up.

GARY
And when that asthmatic six-year-old
princess -- ?

LEO
Shut up!

JOANNA
I flipped through that handbook. I
think I got the gist of it.

CASS
Lets see your character, then
18

Joanna produces a character sheet from her bag.
LODGE
So, whats your strength bonus?

JOANNA
She doesnt have one. Her highest stat
is her intelligence. I put her other
bonuses in dexterity and charisma.

CASS
No strength bonus, no stamina bonus?
How many hit points does she have?

JOANNA
Lets see. [BEAT] Twenty-five.

Cass caws, incredulous.

CASS
A fifth level fighter with twenty-five
hit points? Yeah, shes really going
to protect the party.

JOANNA
I put all her feats in speed and precision.
Thats why intelligence is more important
than strength.

CASS
They would be if you were a wizard. But
youre not. Youre a fighter. A fighter
with a kill me sign on her back.

JOANNA
With her Charisma, she should be able to
talk her way out of most fights.

Cass, Leo, and Gary blink at Joanna.

JOANNA
What?

LODGE
Thats not really how they play.

JOANNA
19
Negotiating isnt your style?

LEO
Not as such, no.

CASS
Our philosophy is, beat it until it stops
moving.

LEO
And then shoot it.

GARY
And step on its nads.

CASS
If you play your character, youre going
to die.

JOANNA
I spent two hours on this character, and
Im going to play her, okay?

CASS
Fine, fine. When you die, you can play
bikini babe. Until then, though, Ill
do my best to keep your talkie, fragile,
anemic fighter alive.

JOANNA
What a guy.

Cass smiles at Joanna, who regards him blankly. Gary leans
in to them.

GARY
Remind me. Whyd you two break up?

Lodge quickly interjects.

LODGE
Gary! Whore you playing?

GARY
Check it out. Im a multi-class sorcerer
rogue. Magic and stealth, baby.

20
LODGE
Cool. Thatll help.

GARY
Im also a chick

LEO
Dude! Are you hot?

GARY
Seventeen charisma!

LEO
You want to have sex?

GARY
Totally!

LEO
Awesome! I seduce him. Her.

Leo rolls some dice.

LODGE
Whoa! Stop. We havent started yet. You
guys havent met.

LEO
Yeah, okay. Ill seduce you later.

GARY
Ill be waiting, man-meat!

LODGE
After weve started. Please. Leo, youre
playing a -- ?

LEO
Bard.

LODGE
Thats a bit of a jump. You usually play
fighters.

LEO
Im ready for a change. How different could
they be?
21

LODGE
Righto, bard. Cass, youre up.

CASS
Im playing a monk.

JOANNA
A monk? Whats he going to do, copy
manuscripts?

LEO
Think kung fu monk.

JOANNA
Oh. [BEAT] That doesnt seem to fit.

LODGE
It doesnt. I told you guys, there are
no monks in this world.

CASS
And I told you, if youre going to play
by Second Edition rules, then I can play
any basic character class. Monk is a
basic character class.

LODGE
Monks dont fit in a fantasy campaign.

CASS
The game designers would disagree.

LODGE
This game is set in a fantasized
western medieval period. There were
no kung fu monks in western Europe!

CASS
Then make some up.

LODGE
Im not going to. This is my world,
and I say there are no monks.

CASS
Then we are at an impasse.
22

LODGE
No, were not. I just won the argument.

CASS
Incorrect. If Jo can play any character
I want. Im asking to play a basic
character class, and youre blocking
me. Youre breaking the rules. I play
a monk, or I dont play.

Lodge simmers behind his GM screen.

LODGE
Fine. You can play a monk, but he has
to fit the world. Hes got to be a
western monk. Think you can handle that?

CASS
Of course.

LODGE
Good. Is that all?

CASS
Im also an elf.

Lodges face contorts in frustration.

LODGE
What? No, youre not!

CASS
Oh, yes I am.

LODGE
I told you guys, this is an all human
campaign! Elves dont exist in this
world!

CASS
And I told you, elves are one of the
basic player races --

Lodge jams his fingers in his ears.

LODGE
23
Cant hear you! The adventures starting!
La la la, adventure! Adventure!

17. BLACK MATTE

Animated intro sequence with character sheets.

18. INT. THRONE ROOM

The King sits in his throne, his Herald to one side. Before
them stand Daphne (Joanna), Flynn (Leo), and Luster [F], a
coquettish young woman with Garys features and dimensions.

Luster [F] wears a red dress and wields a crossbow. Daphne
wears lamellar armor and brandishes a spear. Flynn is clad
in doublet and hose with a mandolin slung across his back.

LODGE (VO)
We begin in the throne room, where three
of you have answered a summons to an
audience with the king.

HERALD
His Royal Majesty, King Erasmus the
Randomly Biased!

KING
There is a great evil in our land: the
vile necromancer Mort Kemnon. Daily, his
power grows stronger. And it seems our
goddess has turned her back on us, for
she answers not our prayers.

LEO (VO)
Hey, can I seduce her now?

LODGE (VO)
In the middle of the throne room?

LEO (VO)
Why not? Weve started.

LODGE (VO)
Okay.

WE HEAR: dice roll

24
Flynn gyrates his hips at Luster [F], who melts. They run
behind a tapestry and copulate. Daphne hangs her head,
mortified.
KING
Mort Kemnon has uncovered an artifact
that grants him control over the dead.
It is a cursed item, the Mask of Death.
Destroy him and bring the Mask to me,
so that it may never be used for evil
again. I bid you good luck, and Therins
speed.
(to Herald)
Floppenwrist! The Staff!

Herald presents a magnificently carved staff to the King,
then bows with unnecessary flamboyance.

KING
Step forward, child.

Daphne kneels in front of King, who rises and presents the
Staff to her.

KING
To aid you in your quest, I bequeath
unto you the Staff of Resurrection. If
one of you falls in your quest, it need
not mean your end.

CASS (VO)
How many charges does it have?

LODGE (VO)
Six.

Luster [F] and Flynn, disheveled, return from behind the
tapestry. The King claps his hands for attention.

KING
Go forth, noble heroes! And may the
Goddess lead your way!


LODGE
The city is near to bursting with a
flood of refugees fleeing the threat
25
of Mort Kemnon.

20. EXT. TOWN GATE

Peasants enter through the town gate. A Farmer hawks
vegetables to passersby.

LODGE (VO)
Aside from yourselves, nobody is
leaving the town. You find a peasant
farmer selling vegetables near the gate.


JOANNA
I want to talk to the farmer.

LEO
Why?

JOANNA
Well, if hes from out of town, maybe
he knows where the evil wizard is.

CASS
Thats a great plan, except that it sucks.
Theres no way hed know where he is.

JOANNA
And why not?

CASS
Hes a random NPC.

LODGE
And as we all know, my NPCs are cardboard
cutouts.

Joanna looks around questioningly.

JOANNA
NPC?

Cass sighs enormously.

CASS
Non-player character.
26

JOANNA
Which, of course, Im supposed to know.

LEO
Weve done the adventure twice before.
We need to go to the mountains.

LODGE
Your characters dont know that!

GARY
Are you saying theres not an adventure
hook in the mountains?

LODGE
No. Yes. Its beside the point!

CASS
And the point is beside the mountains. Off
we go!

JOANNA
I still want to talk to him. Its what
my character would do.

22. EXT. TOWN GATE

Luster [F] and Flynn wait impatiently by the gate. Daphne
addresses the Farmer.

DAPHNE
How long have you been in town, stout
yeoman?

FARMER
Scarcely a day, my lady. The city is
more crowded than I had expected. Id
go back to my farm if it werent so
dangerous. Theres goblins in those
mountains, you know.

GARY (VO)
Boring!

CASS (VO)
Wow, he mentioned the mountains! The
27
mountains, of all things! Maybe thats
a clue!

DAPHNE
Have you heard anything strange in your
travels? Rumors of where Mort Kemnon
might be?

The Farmer flinches at the name.

FARMER
Please, good lady, dont use that name!

FLYNN
I believe our adventure is that way!
LUSTER [F]
My, those mountains sure look quest-
worthy!

DAPHNE
The more you tell me, the sooner you can
safely return to your land.

Luster [F] starts casting a spell in the background.

FARMER
Well, it may be nothing, but Ive heard
from the refugees that things are not
right in Westha --

Farmer bursts into flames and screams horrifically.
Startled, Daphne backs away. Farmer explodes.

Luster [F] morphs into Luster [M] (Gary). Luster [M] dusts
his hands.


Lodge and Joanna stare in shock at Gary.

LODGE
What the hell did you just cast?

GARY
Flaming Hand of Fiery Doom.

JOANNA
28
On a farmer?

LODGE
You cast a fourth-level spell on a zero-
level peasant?

GARY
Yeah.

CASS
Waffle.

LEO
Total waffle.

LODGE
That spell is for killing demons!

Joanna looks questioningly at Lodge.

JOANNA
Im Lawful Good. Am I morally obliged to
kill him now?

LODGE
What the hell were you thinking?

GARY
I just want to get on with the story!

JOANNA
How are we supposed to trust you? Weve
just met! And the first thing you do,
after boinking a stranger in front of
the king, is murder a peasant because
you were bored?

GARY
Hey, Im Chaotic Neutral! Im just playing
my alignment!

LODGE
Bullplop, Gary! That was a decidedly evil
act!

JOANNA
I think Im morally obliged to kill him
29
now.

LODGE
One more of those and Im shifting your
alignment to Chaotic Evil. Got it?

Lodge glares at Gary. Joanna threatens Gary with her
pencil. Leo and Cass try not to laugh.

GARY
So -- how much Experience do I get for
the farmer?

Leo giggles against his will.

24. EXT. TOWN GATE

The Heroes stare at the smoldering remains of Farmer.
Luster [M] offers a handkerchief to Daphne.

LUSTER
Youve got some peasant on your face.

An Inquisitor with a long knife tucked into the belt of his
Sunburst robes approaches, flanked by two Paladins.

INQUISITOR
Hail, Flynn the Fine.

FLYNN
Hail, random creepy knife guy.

GARY (VO)
Dude, bardic knowledge!

FLYNN
Right! You are totally --

LODGE (VO)
The Lord High Inquisitor --

FLYNN
-- Lord High Inquisitor --

LODGE (VO)
-- of the Holy Order of Therin.

30
FLYNN
-- what he said. Hail.

LUSTER [M]
If this is about that farmer, I
totally thought he was a demon.

Inquisitor ignores Luster [M].

INQUISITOR
The Hierophant begs an audience.

LUSTER [M]
He was totally sprouting horns, and I
think he was eating a baby.

INQUISITOR
Follow us.

Inquisitor and his Paladins turn. Flynn shrugs to Daphne
and Luster [F]. The Heroes follow.

25. INT. CATHEDRAL

Clerics line the carpet on either side of the Heroes.
Before the altar stands the Hierophant, a priest clad in
magnificent Sunburst robes. Hierophant leans on a staff
topped by the Heart of Therin, a large amber gem.

WE HEAR: the Hymn to Therin on pipe organ

LODGE (VO)
The Inquisitor leads you to the
cathedral, where the Hierophant
greets you.

HIEROPHANT
The goddess thanks you for meeting
me ere you continue on your quest.

DAPHNE
It is our honor, Your Grace.

Luster [M]s eyes latch on the Hierophants gem.

GARY (VO)
What is that?
31

LODGE (VO)
The Heart of Therin. Supposedly, the
gem is composed of solid light.

GARY (VO)
I probably couldnt steal it.

LODGE (VO)
Thatd be suicide. Why dont you give it
a try?

Flynn listens raptly to the music. He turns to an
attractive Priestess.

FLYNN
What is that heavenly music?

PRIESTESS
The Hymn to Therin. It calls to our
goddess.

Flynn eyes her appraisingly.

LEO (VO)
I seduce the priestess.

LODGE (VO)
What? You cant! Shes taken a vow of
celibacy!

LEO (VO)
Dude, Ive got a plus twenty seduction!

FLYNN
Hey, baby, wanna tune my mandolin?

WE HEAR: dice roll

Priestess melts. She and Flynn run behind a row of pews and
copulate.

DAPHNE
Please understand that the horny bard
does not represent us. [BEAT] Why did
you send for us, Your Grace?

32
HIEROPHANT
There are those who say that Therin has
abandoned us in this time of darkness.
Let me assure you, she watches us always,
and will watch you closely on your holy
quest. But to guarantee your safety, I
shall send two heroes of my order to
accompany you.

Silence (Cass) and Osric (Lodge) enter and flank the
Hierophant. A helmet obscures Osrics face from view.

Silences head is shaved, and he is dressed as a Franciscan
monk. His ears are pointed, those of an elf. Osric wears
armor with the Sunburst emblazoned on the breastplate.

HIEROPHANT
Brother Silence, an unusually stubborn
monk who is not an elf!

Hierophant tears off Silences ears. Silence glares at him.

HIEROPHANT
And Sir Osric the Chaste, noblest of
my paladins.

Osric removes his helmet, revealing his features. This
surprises Daphne, and annoys the other Heroes.

GARY (VO)
What?

LEO (VO)
An NPC?

CASS (VO)
Look, guys. Lodge got us a babysitter.

HIEROPHANT
Sir Osric will assure that you shall
never stray from the paths of goodness
and law.

Luster [M] raises his hand.

LUSTER [M]
I quit.
33

Hierophant motions to Osric and Silence.

HIEROPHANT
Walk with me, my sons.

Hierophant heads down a corridor. Osric and Silence follow.
The Inquisitor prevents the others from following.

26. EXT. CATHEDRAL GARDEN

Hierophant leads Osric and Silence through a magnificent
garden. Flowers burst with color (not literally).

SILENCE
What troubles you, Father?

HIEROPHANT
The King says the goddess has turned
away from us. I know that is not true.
[BEAT] There is a reason the goddess
does not answer our prayers. She is
missing.


Lodge and Cass are standing away from the table in the same
positions as Hierophant and Silence. Gary, Leo, and Joanna
strain to overhear their conversation.

CASS
Missing?

LODGE
We are cut off from her. I fear Mort
Kemnon has found some way to imprison
her spirit.

CASS
How is this possible?

LODGE
I can only surmise that it is tied to
the Mask of Death. It is imperative
that you retrieve it.

34
Lodge steps to the side, where Osric would theoretically be
standing. Cass raises an eyebrow.

LODGE
We shall retrieve it and bring it to
the king!

Lodge moves back to the Hierophants position.

LODGE
I fear we may not be able to trust him.

CASS
Dork.

28. EXT. CATHEDRAL GARDEN

Osric and Silence halt and turn to Hierophant, concerned.

HIEROPHANT
I fear the king, or those close to him,
wish to use the Mask of Death for their
own dark purposes. [BEAT] You must bring
it to the cathedral so it can be destroyed.

Osric frowns, torn.

OSRIC
Your Grace, my sacred oath binds me to
deliver the Mask to the king. I am sure
he will destroy it, for the good of the
kingdom.

HIEROPHANT
We can only hope.

29. EXT. FANTASY MONTAGE

The Heroes stride across the land. The land grows steeper.

LODGE (VO)
You strike out towards the mountains.
The road winds higher through the
foothills, and after a day you reach
the foot of the pass.

30. EXT. MOUNTAIN TRAIL HEAD
35

Tall pines flank a trail between sheer slopes. Snow lies
thick on the ground. Two signs guard the trail head. The
first reads: Westhaven and points along the trail. The
other reads: Beewair thu Gobluns.

LODGE (VO)
A sign at the head of the trail catches
your eye.

The Heroes survey the signs and eye one another.


LODGE
After a few hours, you stumble upon
a clearing in the pass. In the center
stands a twisted goblin totem.

32. EXT. MOUNTAIN - CLEARING

The Heroes stare at a black, twisted totem in the center of
the clearing.

DAPHNE
Perhaps we can sneak around it.

LUSTER [M]
Not a chance. Its a trap.

OSRIC
Not necessarily.

FLYNN
Its always a trap. It wouldnt be here
unless we were going to be attacked.

SILENCE
Doubtless, the goblins are merely
waiting for an excuse.

Daphne and Osric glance around. The woods appear empty.

DAPHNE
Im not convinced. The place looks
empty.
36

Flynn hits the totem with a snowball. Silence, Luster, and
Flynn laugh.

OSRIC
What are you doing?

Silence karate chops the nose off of the totem. He taunts
the totem with it.

SILENCE
Got your nose!

More laughs from those three.

OSRIC
Is this wise?

DAPHNE
Are you trying to get us killed?

LUSTER [M]
I believe that fellow is the Goblin
God of the Moon!

Luster [M] moons the totem. Flynn laughs.

LUSTER [M]
An offering!

Luster [M] farts at the totem.

The Goblin Queen bursts out of the bushes. She raises a
barbed horn to her lips and blows a long, low note.

Dozens of Goblins pour into the clearing from the trees.
They surround the heroes and brandish spears and bows.
Goblin Queen raises a scepter and waves it menacingly.

DAPHNE
Theyre so angry!

OSRIC
I wonder why. We only farted on God.

Flynn confidently takes his mandolin in hand.

37
LEO (VO)
Dont worry. Ill pacify them with
bardic music.

Flynn begins to play and sing.

FLYNN
Dear goblin friends,
Please hear my song --

Dozens of arrows skewer Flynn. He collapses.


Lodge rolls dice.

LODGE
Yeah, youre dead.

LEO
What? Goblin arrows cant kill anybody!
LODGE
Fifty of them can.

LEO
Im dead? Already?

Gary whips out and consults a stopwatch.

GARY
29 minutes, 42 seconds. A new personal
best, Leo!

LEO
There are several places I could shove
that stopwatch.

LODGE
Everybody roll inish.

Joanna looks around questioningly while Cass, Gary, and
Lodge dice. Cass notices Joanna and sighs.

CASS
Initiative.

38
JOANNA
Right! To see who goes first.

Joanna grabs a 20-sided die.

JOANNA
I roll one of these dealies and add my
dexterity and intelligence bonuses.

CASS
No. You only add your dex bonus.

JOANNA
No, I get the intelligence bonus, too.
Thats what Keen Eye does, right?

LODGE
Keen Eye?

Joanna checks her character sheet.

JOANNA
Yeah. I add my intelligence bonus to
Initiative rolls.

Lodge checks a gamebook.

LODGE
Yeah, she does.

JOANNA
I wanted to be fast.

Joanna rolls dice.

34. EXT. MOUNTAIN CLEARING

Goblin Queen shakes her scepter at the Heroes.

GOBLIN QUEEN
Dood die lasterlijke menselijke
bastaarden!

The Goblins charge the Heroes, then suddenly freeze in mid-
charge and bob back and forth, snarling.

LODGE (VO)
39
Okay, order: Joanna, Cass, Gary, Osric,
then goblins.

WE HEAR: dice roll

Daphne smacks the nearest Goblin with her spear. It
collapses. Daphne looks around anxiously.

JOANNA (VO)
Well?

LODGE (VO)
You get another attack.

JOANNA (VO)
I do?

LODGE (VO)
You took First Strike. When you go first
and drop an opponent with your first
attack, you immediately get another one.

JOANNA (VO)
Cool!

WE HEAR: dice roll

Daphne whacks and drops another Goblin.

JOANNA (VO)
Critical hit! I get another attack.

CASS (VO)
What?

Daphne skewers and drops another Goblin.


The male gamers stare at Joanna in surprise.

JOANNA
I took Expanded Critical, Critical
Momentum, and Precise Strike. I add my
dex and int bonuses to my crit range,
and I get an extra attack whenever I
land a critical hit.
40

GARY
What's your critical range?

Joanna checks her character sheet.

JOANNA
Thirteen to twenty. Not counting bonuses.

GARY
Jesus Christ!

Joanna rolls the dice.

JOANNA
Critical.
(rolls die)
Critical.
(rolls die)
Critical.

36. EXT. MOUNTAIN CLEARING

Daphne drops the rest of the Goblins within reach. All
Goblins within five feet of her lie dead in the snow.

LODGE (VO)
Cass, your move.

Silence kicks a Goblin, who collapses. Silence looks
unpleased with his contribution.

LODGE (VO)
Gary?

GARY (VO)
Lightning bolt!

Luster [M] starts casting a spell.

LODGE (VO)
That'll go off in two rounds. Osric
uses the Staff on Flynn.

Osric touches the Staff to Flynns body. Flynn glows
unnaturally.

41
WE HEAR: angelic music

Flynn gets to his feet and dusts himself off.

LODGE (VO)
The goblins attack.

Flynn catches a volley of arrows in the chest.

LEO (VO)
Damn it!

OSRIC
Language.

Flynn collapses, dead.

Goblins attack Silence, Osric, and Luster [M], doing minor
damage. Several Goblins take a simultaneous five-foot step
to surround Daphne. The Goblins then bob in place.

LODGE (VO)
Second round. Joanna, go.

Daphne drops more Goblins with more elaborate attacks.

LODGE (VO)
Gary, you're casting. Cass, then
goblins.

CASS (VO)
Move to assist Daphne.

Silence performs an unnecessarily athletic roll across the
clearing and pops up beside Joanna.

SILENCE
I will protect you.

DAPHNE
My hero.

JOANNA (VO)
My turn!

Daphne kills the remaining Goblins with very elaborate
attacks. Only the Goblin Queen remains.
42

GOBLIN QUEEN
Tenminste kreeg ik tweemaal te spreken!

Daphne kills Goblin Queen with a magnificent flourish.

Osric resurrects Flynn with the Staff.

WE HEAR: angelic music

GARY (VO)
Done!

Luster [M] hurls a magical bolt of lightning in Flynns
general direction.

LUSTER [M]
Crap! Move!

Flynn turns around just in time to catch the lightning bolt
in the chest. The lightning bolt explodes against Flynn and
propels his corpse across the clearing.

The other Heroes stare at Flynns body.

GARY (VO)
How much Experience do I get for the bard?

The other Heroes regard Luster [M] with distaste.

37. EXT. FANTASY MONTAGE

The five Heroes stride across the land.

LODGE (VO)
After the battle in Goblins Pass, you
resurrect Flynn yet again and press
through the mountains. Night has fallen
by the time you reach the tiny village
on the other side of the range.

38. EXT. INN - NIGHT

A tiny inn squats in the mud. A sign reads: Mudhollow.
Firelight flickers inside the inn.

LODGE (VO)
43
Theres only one inn, and from the look
of the place, it hasnt had many recent
visitors.

The Heroes tramp towards the inn.

39. INT. INN - NIGHT

A fire roars in the fireplace. The Heroes share a table in
the center of the common room.

A Barmaid brings a tray of mugs to the table.

LEO (VO)
Is the barmaid hot?

WE HEAR: dice roll

The Barmaid turns around. She is beautiful.
LODGE (VO)
Yeah, she is. Must you?

LEO (VO)
Yeah, I must.

WE HEAR: dice roll

Flynn whispers in Barmaids ear. They grab hands and run
upstairs. Luster [M] spies a second Barmaid.

GARY (VO)
I wanna seduce the other barmaid!

LUSTER [M]
Hey, beautiful. My spells require somatic
components.

LODGE (VO)
Dude, youre a chick.

GARY (VO)
Right.

Luster [M] morphs into Luster [F].

LUSTER [F]
How embarrassing.
44

OSRIC
We should not draw attention to ourselves.

DAPHNE
Agreed. We should keep our presence muted.
We dont know who may be watching.

SILENCE
Indeed. For only in hiding ones identity
can one truly be known.

Silence nods knowingly. The others stare at him.

The Innkeeper meekly approaches their table.

INNKEEPER
I am sorry, me old masters, but Im afraid
theres no place for you here tonight.
SILENCE
Your inn is empty. There is plenty of room
for us.

INNKEEPER
Room is not the problem, Brother. The
truth is --

MORT AGRIPPA
The truth is youre not welcome here.

INKEEPER
Mort Agrippa!

The Innkeeper blanches and scuttles away. The Heroes turn
towards the fireplace.

Mort Agrippa sits at a table by the fireplace. He lowers
his hood. Fine black tattoos cover his face. His eyes are
black as coal.

AGRIPPA
You are most certainly not welcome here.

The Heroes rise from their chairs, hands on weapons.

LUSTER [F]
An introduction would seem in order.
45

AGRIPPA
I am the governor of this town. You
are trespassing in these lands.

OSRIC
These lands belong to the king!

AGRIPPA
These lands belong to my king.

SILENCE
Mort Kemnon.

Agrippa smiles and nods.

AGRIPPA
Yes. And soon you will serve him as
I do -- beyond the veil of Death!
Agrippa leaps up and hurls a smoke grenade on the floor.
Black smoke billows out. Four Ninjas step out of the smoke.

The Ninjas leap towards the Heroes. Agrippa hurls a black
bolt of magic at Luster [F]. It wraps her in bands of
energy. She cant move.

Daphne spears a Ninja, dropping him. Osric struggles
against a Ninja. Silence matches two Ninjas move for move.

LODGE (VO)
Leo, youre in.

Flynn appears atop the stairs, pulling his pants up.

FLYNN
Fear not, for I have returned!

Flynn plays an upbeat tune on the mandolin.

OSRIC
Dash it all, man, help us!

FLYNN
I am!

Flynn plays merrily. Several shuriken bury themselves in
Flynns chest.
46

LEO (VO)
Oh, come on!

Flynn dies. Silence leaps behind a Ninja.

CASS (VO)
Paralyzer!

Silence rabbit-punches the Ninja in the ribs. The Ninja
freezes and turns amber. The Ninja cannot move.

Osric pushes a Ninja away, then points his sword at the
Ninja. Osrics Sunburst glows.

OSRIC
Turn!

The Ninja shrieks and bursts into a cloud of blue dust.
Luster [F] breaks her bonds. Daphne drops another Ninja.
Silence kicks the frozen Ninja in the face, dropping him.

Agrippa begins to cast a spell.

GARY (VO)
Counterspell!

Luster [F] waves her arms and chants. Agrippa points at the
Heroes, but nothing happens. Silence rolls up to him.

CASS (VO)
Another paralyzer!

Silence rabbit punches Agrippa, who freezes in place and
turns amber. Luster [F] pushes Agrippa into a chair. In the
background, Osric helps Flynn to his feet.

40. INT. GAMING ROOM

The Gamers sit at the edge of their seats.

LODGE
Mort Agrippa isnt going anywhere.

CASS
Oh, monks you have a problem with, but
ninjas are okay?
47

Lodge ignores him. Leo leans towards Lodge.

LEO
Tell us where Mort Kemnon is!

LODGE
Do your worst. Kill me, if you dare. I
will never tell.

CASS
Well have to torture him.

GARY
Oh, darn.

LODGE
Actually, no. Youll have to think of
something else. Torture is dishonorable.
Osric wont allow it.

CASS
God, I love paladins.

DAPHNE
Could he just step out of the inn?

LODGE
Oh, no. Paladins cant let evil acts
happen if they know about them. Its
their alignment.

GARY
Yeah, theyre Lawful Stupid.

LEO
Ill distract him. Ill tell him theres
a ninja outside.

LODGE
I seriously doubt hed fall for that.

CASS
Normally, the dice decide that sort of
thing. Lets consult them, shall we?

Lodge rolls some dice.
48

41. INT. INN NIGHT

Agrippa is tied to a chair, and has returned to his normal
color. Flynn points outside.

FLYNN
Sir Osric, look! Theres an evildoer
outside!

Osric ignites with righteous fury.

OSRIC
What?

Osric draws his sword and runs outside. The moment hes
gone, Silence horse-punches Agrippa.

42. EXT. INN NIGHT

Osric storms out of the inn, sword drawn. Sounds of
Agrippas beating drift out of the inn.

OSRIC
Show yourself, villain! Thou canst
not escape my justice! Come forward,
so that I may smite thee with my
mighty blade!


Flynn watches Osric through the window. Silence and Luster
[M], who is male again, take turns beating Agrippa.

OSRIC
Come forth, ignoble cur! The light of
Therin shall illuminate your evil!

Luster [M] slaps Agrippa with his own hand.

LUSTER [M]
Why are you necromancing yourself?
Why are you necromancing yourself?

Silence breaks a chair over Agrippas head.

44. EXT. INN - NIGHT
49

Osric paces angrily, peering into shadows. Agrippas
beating is visible through the window.

OSRIC
The truth shall find thee, and descend
upon thy wickedness as an angel of
righteous fury!

Osric runs out of verve. He turns and sees the beating.

OSRIC
Deceivers! This ends now!

Osric storms towards the inn.

Flynn pokes his head out the window and points.

FLYNN
Hes over there!

WE HEAR: dice roll

Osric turns towards where Flynn pointed, enraged.

OSRIC
Thou shalt die a thousand deaths,
shadow-spawn! I shall mete out my
justice upon thy loathsome brow!

Osric storms around, yelling at shadows.


Agrippas face is swollen and bruised. He begins to laugh.
His laugh echoes unnaturally.

Agrippas body bursts into a cloud of blue dust. Osric
enters and stares at Agrippas empty chair.

OSRIC
What happened in here?

LUSTER [M]
He accidentally beat himself to death.

OSRIC
50
Did he tell you where Mort Kemnon is?

LUSTER [M]
Not as such, no. [BEAT] Did you catch
that evildoer?

Osric looks at the floor, shamed and humiliated.

OSRIC
He escaped. My shame knows no bounds.

Daphne turns to Flynn.

DAPHNE
Flynn, did the barmaid say anything?

FLYNN
Oh yes, oh yes, oh gods, yes!
DAPHNE
About Mort Kemnon, dumbass!


Fewer Gamers are in the store. Things are winding down for
the night.

LODGE
The barmaid says Mort Agrippa came
from Westhaven. To get there, she says
to take the east road out of town.
Following her advice, you abandon the
inn and take to the road. You put some
good miles between yourselves and the
town, and set camp just a few miles out
of Westhaven.

47. EXT. CAMPGROUND NIGHT

A fire burns in a stone circle.

Flynn strums on his mandolin while the others lounge about.
Luster [M] sidles over to Daphne.

LUSTER [M]
Youre unlike any woman Ive ever met.

DAPHNE
51
How do you mean?

LUSTER [M]
So fast, so strong. Soft, yet deadly,
like steel wrapped in silk. A man could
lose himself in those eyes.

DAPHNE
Yes, a man could. But apparently I must
remind you that youre a woman.

Luster [M] morphs back into Luster [F].

LUSTER [F]
Of course I am. [BEAT] I dont suppose
youd be interested in a little girl
on girl --

Daphne grabs Luster [F]s hand and twists it in a painful
wrist-lock.

DAPHNE
You really want to finish that thought?

LUSTER [F]
Ill take that as a no.

Daphne releases Luster [F], who slinks to her bedroll and
studies her spellbook.

OSRIC
Tell me, minstrel, what do you know of
this Mort Kemnon?

FLYNN
He is a servant of Death, an enemy of
light. That is all I can tell you.

OSRIC
What do you know of the Mask of Death?

WE HEAR: dice roll

FLYNN
The god of oblivion wore the Mask when
the Creator forged the world. It is said
whoever wears the mask gains the power of
52
the god he serves.

DAPHNE
Then Mort Kemnon has all the power of
Death? How could Therin allow this?

Osric frowns uncomfortably.

OSRIC
It may be beyond her control. The
Hierophant says Therin is missing.

FLYNN
Missing?

OSRIC
Trapped. How is this possible?

FLYNN
I have no idea.

WE HEAR: dice roll

FLYNN
Actually, I do. Bardic knowledge.

Lodge leans into the frame and hands Flynn a 3x5 index
card. Flynn reads from it.

FLYNN
Long ago, young Jack Lightfingers stole
beauty from the mermaids. [BEAT] Okay.
[BEAT] The Lord of the Sea was angry,
and sent his waves to drown Jack, but
Jack was too clever. He led the Sea King
inland, stretching out the waves, until
too little water was left to drown him.
Then, Jack trapped the God of the Sea
in a prison of ice, and ransomed him
back to the merfolk.

GARY (VO)
Boring!

DAPHNE
Thats interesting, but what does it
have to do with Therin?
53

FLYNN
In all the tales Ive heard, the only
way to trap a deity is in a prison of
that gods own element.

Silence nods sagely.

SILENCE
Individually, the four elements, like
man alone, are weak. But together, they
form the strong fifth element -- boron.

Everyone stares at Silence, who nods knowingly.

OSRIC
I tire of talk. It will be morning soon.

DAPHNE
Well need our rest if were to find
Mort Kemnon.

Luster [F]s head snaps up from her book. Fine black
tattoos crisscross her face. Her eyes are black as pitch.
She speaks with Kemnons voice.

LUSTER [F]
And what if I should find you first?

Luster [F] leaps to her feet. The Heroes spring up. Luster
[F] writhes like a demonic marionette.

LUSTER [F]
Abandon this road, or die on it!

SILENCE
Save your threats. You have no power here.

Luster [F] detonates a black bolt of lightning into Flynn,
killing him.

SILENCE
As if killing the bard impresses us any
more.

LUSTER [F]
You shall never retrieve the Mask of
54
Death!

OSRIC
I have sworn a sacred oath. I do not
fear you.

LUSTER [F]
Then you are a greater fool than you
appear. Continue if you dare. Your
breath is wasted in pursuit of me.

SILENCE
You sound afraid.

Kemnon laughs darkly through Luster [F].

LUSTER [F]
You dont believe me? Then come. Come
and face -- Drazuul!

Luster [F] falls to the ground, exhausted. Her eyes and
face are normal. The others rush to help her up.


The store is empty. Lodge checks his watch.

LODGE
And I think well call it there for the
evening.

GARY
What? Its still early.

LODGE
Its two AM.

JOANNA
What?

Joanna looks at the clock. It is 2:00.

The Gamers start packing up their books and notes.

JOANNA
Oh, my God. I had no idea it was so
late.
55

CASS
See how it happens? You get so into it,
you cant help losing track of time.

GARY
Just like surfing the net for por --
litical commentary. [BEAT] Same time
next week?

LEO
Cant do it here. Were having a tourney.

LODGE
My apartment? Ive got plenty of space.

The other Gamers voice their consent.
49. EXT. GAMING STORE NIGHT

Leo pulls out in his car. Cass leaps into the front seat,
Gary into the back.

LEO
If this is about that farmer, I totally
thought he was a demon.

They all laugh.

GARY
That was awesome.

CASS
Onward to waffles!

GARY, CASS, LEO
Waffles, ho!

Leo peels out of the lot, revealing Lodge and Joanna alone
by the store. Joanna looks curiously at Lodge.

LODGE
They did good, so they get waffles.
[BEAT] I dont understand it myself.

50. EXT. SIDEWALK NIGHT

Lodge and Joanna walk along under the streetlamps.
56

JOANNA
Cass tells me you're a writer.

LODGE
Sort of.

JOANNA
What do you mean, sort of?

LODGE
I don't write as often as I should. I've
got the story, I just don't know how to
write it.

JOANNA
Is that the story we're playing?

Lodge nods, a little embarrassed.

LODGE
I can't seem to get it down on paper.
I'll write one, maybe two sections, then
burn out revising. The guys -- I give them
as real a world as I can, but theyre
just interested in winning. It so doesnt
help.

JOANNA
You blame them for not being able to write
your own story?

Lodge opens his mouth to retort, then stops, thinks, and
shuts up. He looks thoughtful.

JOANNA
Sounds like youre trying too hard. You
should let the story go where it will.

LODGE
But I know where it goes! It goes to a very
clear end, but its just not getting there.

JOANNA
Have you considered that it might not get
there?

57
LODGE
It has to! Its the ending. The ending is
where things end. Thats why its called
the ending.

JOANNA
All Im saying is, you might have an easier
time of it if you didnt decide how things
end before you start.

Lodge winces at the idea.

JOANNA
What? Whats wrong with that?

LODGE
If I dont keep them focused on the story,
theyll just run around killing, looting,
and impregnating my world! I have to
keep them under control!

JOANNA
And thats why they dont trust you!

Lodge blinks, stunned.

LODGE
They dont trust me? Theyre the ones who
kill important characters before they have
a chance to speak!

Joanna waves at him to calm down.

JOANNA
Look, they know you dont trust them to
play your way, and thats why you keep them
on such a short leash. Its no wonder
they screw with you. You would, too in
their situation. [BEAT] Maybe try not
forcing them into anything. Trust them
a little. Let them play as they will. Youre
a good enough storyteller to react to
anything too out of line. Just let the
story unfold naturally. The ending might
even surprise you.

58
Lodge muses on the advice. Joanna points towards a red
brick apartment building.

JOANNA
Heres my stop. Good night, Kevin.

Lodge waves good night.

51. INT. LODGES APARTMENT - NIGHT

Lodge opens the door and turns on the light. He drops his
books on his coffee table.

52. INT. LODGES STUDY - NIGHT

Lodge drops into his chair and kills the screensaver. He
stares at the screen for a moment before he erases dick.

Lodge leans forward and types a few words, then stops and
deletes them. He types a few more words, then stops and
deletes them.

Lodge sighs and rubs his face. He types Joanna. He leans
back and stares at the screen. Then he highlights Joanna
and italicizes it.

LODGE
Yeah, time for bed.

Lodge abandons the computer.

53. INT. THEATER

A Tech Crew is building a set on stage.

CAPTION: Monday

Joanna picks up a pole roughly the size of Daphnes spear.
She stops to examine it, and inspiration strikes.

Joanna whirls the pole around like a spear. The Tech Crew
watch. Joanna feigns landing a death blow with a yell. The
Tech Crew applauds. Joanna, embarrassed, bows.

54. INT. OFFICE

Lodge types busily in his office cubicle.
59

CAPTION: Tuesday

An Executive enters the cubicle. Lodge switches documents
on the computer before Executive sees them.

EXECUTIVE
Hey, Kevin. Hows that manual coming?

Lodge spins his chair around to face him.

LODGE
Im working on it right now, Mr. Walsh.
Ill have it to Editing by tomorrow.

EXECUTIVE
Good man. Keep it up.

Executive leaves. Lodge spins back to his computer and
switches documents. Dungeon schematics appear on the
computer screen.

55. INT. COLLEGE CLASSROOM

A Professor bores his Students while writing physics
equations on the board.

CAPTION: Wednesday

PROFESSOR
Two vectors, A and B, are situated in
the XY Cartesian point plane, separated
by angle Phi. The cross product of A
and B is equal to the product of A and
B times the sine of angle Phi times
the unit vector N.

Gary sketches a drawing of Luster [F] casting a spell. He
flips pages to a picture of Luster [F] in the Marilyn
Monroe over-the-air-vent pose.


Leo sits behind the counter of the gaming store.

CAPTION: Thursday

60
Leo puts the finishing touches on three character sheets
spread out before him. He scoops them up and dumps them in
a folder full of character sheets.

57. INT. EMPTY ROOM

Cass sits, bare-chested, in a pillar of light in an
unfurnished stone room with his fists held out before him.
Gary stands to one side with an open gamebook. Cass stares
intently forward.

CAPTION: Friday

GARY
Ogre!

CASS
Forty-five hit points! Three attacks per
round! Weak against mental attacks!

GARY
Troll!

CASS
Thirty-two hit points! Regenerates! Weak
against fire and acid!

GARY
Cyclops!

CASS
Eighty-five hit points! Immune to lightning!
Damage reduction of five points per round!

GARY
Thats a Greater Cyclops, fool!

Gary lashes Cass across the back with a cat-o-nine-tails.
Cass howls angrily, but keeps staring forward intently.

58. INT. OFFICE BUILDING

Pirates wander around a symmetrical office building,
brandishing their weapons and muttering "Arr."

The elevator beeps. The Pirates whirl to face it. The
elevator opens, but it is empty.
61

A Pirate enters and looks up. The Purple Ninja (Lodge)
drops from elevator ceiling and kicks the Pirate into his
fellows. Purple Ninja runs past the Pirates, who curse and
get to their feet to chase him.

On the second story, the Orange Ninja (Joanna) runs past a
stack pizza boxes. Arr-ing Pirates chase her.

Purple Ninja runs to a pedestal in the corner. He grabs a
pizza box from it and stops to fight some Pirates.

Pirates surround Orange Ninja. She throws her boxes into
the air, attacks and knocks out the Pirates, and catches
the pizza boxes. Orange Ninja runs to an office door.

Purple Ninja collects pizza boxes from pedestals, avoiding
Pirates. He runs up the stairs to the second level.

Orange Ninja throws open the office door. A Customer waits
inside. Orange Ninja hands Customer the pizza boxes.

CUSTOMER
Thank you!

Customer takes the boxes and hands Orange Ninja a wad of
cash. Orange Ninja slams the door, and whirls to face
Purple Ninja. The Ninjas eye each other and put their pizza
boxes aside.

The Ninjas attack each other in a flurry of motion.
Occasionally, Pirates attack, and the Ninjas stop fighting
each other long enough to knock the Pirates away.

Purple Ninja knocks down Orange Ninja. Purple Ninja grabs
all the pizza boxes and flips over the line of Pirates.
Orange Ninja springs to her feet, surrounded. The Pirates
close in.

59. INT. LODGES APARTMENT

Perplexed, Joanna stares at a game board on the table. On
the board, pirate figurines surround an Orange Ninja
figurine. The Purple Ninja figurine waits nearby.

JOANNA
What is the purpose of this game,
62
again?
LODGE
To deliver ten pizzas before the other
ninja.

JOANNA
That I can deal with. But whats with
the pirates?

LODGE
Everythings better with pirates?

There is a knock at the door. Lodge gets up and opens the
door. The other four Gamers are standing outside.

CAPTION: Saturday!

Guen approaches Joanna and meows for attention.

JOANNA
Oh, what a pretty cat! Hello, kitty!

LODGE
This is Guen. You want to hold him?

JOANNA
Wish I could. Im allergic.

LODGE
Oh. Is that going to be a problem?

JOANNA
Have you vacuumed recently?

Lodge considers telling the truth, then lies.

LODGE
Yes.

JOANNA
Ill be fine, then.

Leo pulls Lodge aside as the others sit around the table.

LEO
Can I bring in a new character?
Another bard?
63

LODGE
Whats wrong with Flynn? Aside from the
dying.

LEO
I permanently lose a point of Stamina each
time I get resurrected. My Stamina is down
to six. Its almost not worth playing him.

LODGE
Point. Sure, if you die again, bring in a
new guy.

Leo sits down. Gary lines up a stack of miniatures on the
table. Guen jumps on the table and sniffs the miniatures.

GARY
No, Mr. Kitty. Those arent for you.

Gary puts Guen on the floor. Guen protests. Lodge sits.

LODGE
Okay, we left off a few miles out of
Westhaven. Everyone make a Guile check.

The gamers all roll dice.

LODGE
If you succeeded, a strange sound wakes
you up.

60. EXT. CAMPSITE DAWN

The campfire has burned out. The Heroes lie asleep under
their blankets while a disheveled Peasant rifles through
their bags.

LODGE (VO)
A scruffy peasant is rummaging through
your bags.

GARY (VO)
I waste him with my crossbow!

64
Luster [F] aims her crossbow at Peasant. Daphne leaps to
her feet and knocks the crossbow up. Luster [F] fires
harmlessly into the air.
The Peasant panics and breaks for the forest, but Daphne
grabs him by the collar. The Heroes rise.

SILENCE
This man has stolen from us. He must
be punished.

OSRIC
Surely, you can see he is starving.
Daphne, release him.

Daphne lets go of the Peasant, who collapses in fear.

PEASANT
Mercy! Mercy, my good sirs!

LUSTER [F]
Im a lady, you fool!

GARY (VO)
Peasant kebab!

Luster [F] aims her crossbow. Osric pushes it down.

OSRIC
What do you have against peasants?

LUSTER [F]
Just a general, all-purpose loathing.

Luster [F] pumps her crossbow as if it were a shotgun.

PEASANT
Please, dont hurt me! Mercy!

LEO (VO)
Ill try to calm him.

Flynn plays his mandolin and sings soothingly. The music
transfixes Peasant.

FLYNN
Shut up, dear peasant.
Rest your head,
65
Or Ill let the sorceress
Kill your ass dead.

WE HEAR: dice roll

The Peasant is no longer panicked.

OSRIC
Rise, sirrah. You have nothing to fear.

The Peasant stands and bows.

PEASANT
Forgive me, masters. I havent eaten in
days.

DAPHNE
Then join us for breakfast. Bard! Fetch
some firewood.

Flynn nods and heads into the forest.

DAPHNE
What is your name, peasant?

LODGE (VO)
Crap, I didnt give him one. Ill call
him --

PEASANT
Willem, my lady. I live in Westhaven. Or
at least I did, until --

DAPHNE
Until what?

Peasants mood darkens. He stares at the ground.

PEASANT
The city is empty. Mort Kemnons
priests killed the others. Im the
only one left.

OSRIC
Do you know where Mort Kemnon is?

PEASANT
66
No, my lord. Only the Fiend knows that.

OSRIC
The Fiend?

PEASANT
Drazuul.

The Heroes eye each other.

PEASANT
He led the purges. Id rather not speak
of it.

OSRIC
Where can we find him, this Drazuul?

PEASANT
In Westhaven, in the center of town.
I wont go back there.

OSRIC
Then let us clothe and feed you, that
you might be safely on your way.

Silence signals time out.

SILENCE
Time out.


Cass has just signaled time out.

CASS
We dont have enough provisions to feed
a nameless NPC.

JOANNA
Hes not nameless! His names Willem.

CASS
We got what we need. Just leave him.

LODGE
Osric is morally compelled to help him.
67
He cant knowingly allow him to keep
suffering.

CASS
And I cant allow him to deplete our
resources because you want to feel
noble.

LODGE
Im just playing his alignment!

JOANNA
Its what our characters would do.

LODGE
If you have a problem, find some way to
solve it in character.

Gary whispers to Cass. Cass nods to Gary.

CASS
Okay. Lets role play through this.

LODGE
Excellent.

62. EXT. CAMPSITE

Silence approaches Osric and Daphne.

SILENCE
Sir Osric, a word.

OSRIC
Of course, Brother.

Silence leads Osric away, turning his back to the Peasant.

SILENCE
Say I have two sons, one strong, the
other meek. Both wish for schooling.
While I love them equally, I can only
send one. Whom do I choose?

Luster [F] starts casting. Osric nods thoughtfully.

OSRIC
68
A stronger boy could go far with such
schooling. However, the son who is weak
in body might discover he is stronger
in mind. I would consider --

Peasant bursts into flames and screams horrifically. Daphne
and Osric spin around. Peasant explodes.

Luster [F] dusts her hands. Osric storms towards her.

LODGE (VO)
Thats it! Thats really it!

Osric draws his sword. Luster [F] cowers beneath him.

OSRIC
I smite thee, evildoer!

Silence punches Osric in the ribs. Osric freezes, sword
above his head, and turns amber. Luster [F] scrambles away.

LUSTER [F]
How long until he moves?

SILENCE
Ten, maybe twenty seconds.

GARY (VO)
I cast Amnesia on Osric.

Luster [F] casts a spell. Osric stares off into space.

LODGE (VO)
Osric has no memory of the last two
minutes. Nice dodge, Gary.

Flynn comes back into the clearing, his arms full of wood.
He walks directly in the path of Osrics sword.

FLYNN
Ive got firewood!

Osric abruptly snaps back to normal color and follows
through with the sword swing, killing Flynn.

OSRIC
Crap. [BEAT] I have some atoning to do.
69

Osric strides out of the clearing. The other Heroes watch
him go.

SILENCE
Double waffle.

LUSTER [F]
Damn skippy.


Guen, entranced, watches from an end table.

LODGE
You find Westhaven burnt and abandoned.
Decaying corpses line the streets. Your
skin crawls the farther you press into
town.

GARY
Detect Evil?


LODGE
Chaotic Evil, in the dead center of town.

CASS
Ill check it out. Ive got the best
Sneak skill.

GARY
Mines good. Ill go, too.

64. EXT. TOWN

Corpses lie strewn between abandoned buildings.

Drazuul, a horned demon, stands in the center of town. A
spidery pattern of black tattoos covers his face.

Silence and Luster [F] sneak to the edge of the courtyard.
They see Drazuul and stop short.

CASS (VO)
What the hell is that?
70

LODGE (VO)
A Death Demon, one of Deaths personal
attendants. And hes looking your way.

Drazuul slowly turns towards Silence and Luster [F]. They
freeze in place.

GARY (VO)
I run for it.

LODGE (VO)
Youre frozen in place.

CASS (VO)
Do I get a save?

LODGE (VO)
Not this time, no.

Drazuul grins wickedly and beckons them forwards.

DRAZUUL
Come. Come to Drazuul.

Silence and Luster [F] stagger towards Drazuul.


Cass fumes, irate. Lodge turns to Joanna and Leo.

LODGE
You two begin to sense --

CASS
Why dont I get a save?

LODGE
Its a Death Demon. Its fear aura is
Too strong. You cant roll a successful
save.

CASS
Incorrect.

LODGE
Whats your Will save?
71

CASS
Plus seven.

LODGE
The target number to resist his fear
is 30. You would have to roll a 23 on
a 20-sided die to succeed. Im no math
major, but thats impossible, isnt it?

CASS
A natural 20 is an automatic success,
no matter the circumstances.

LODGE
And youve got a five percent chance of
rolling a 20.

CASS
Do I at least get that roll? I mean,
since it is in the rules? Is that okay
with you, that we play by the rules?

Lodges wave says go ahead. Satisfied, Cass rolls a die.
He rolls a 1.

LODGE
Oh, a fumble! So now youre completely
compelled, and I play your character
until you snap out of it.

Lodge merrily snatches Casss character sheet.

LODGE
Since were playing by the rules, I
know you dont mind.

CASS
Oh, shut up, Kevin.

66. EXT. TOWN

Silence [L] (Lodge) and Luster [F] stagger towards Drazuul.

DRAZUUL
Kneel, slaves.

72

SILENCE [L]
Yes, my master.

Silence [L] and Luster [F] kneel.

CASS (VO)
I would never say that.

LODGE (VO)
Please, let me play my character.

Drazuul strokes Luster [F]s chin. He shudders.

DRAZUUL
My lady, you tempt me. Like the evil in
your heart, your beauty is unsurpassed.

LUSTER [F]
Im not evil. Im Chaotic Neutral.

DRAZUUL
Too long have I been a bachelor. You
shall be my new bride and concubine!

LUSTER [F]
I hate to be the one to point this out
to you, but Im not --

Luster [F] looks at herself and sees that shes female.

LUSTER [F]
Oh, right. I am. [BEAT] Oh, crap! Im
a woman?

DRAZUUL
My dear, what is a wedding without guests?
Rise, slaves!

The corpses rise as Zombies. Drazuul laughs.

DRAZUUL
Kiss me, my darling.

Luster [F] walks jerkily into Drazuuls embrace.

73

Cass sits looking away from the table. Leo and Joanna lean
towards Lodge.

LODGE
After several minutes, the others havent
returned.

JOANNA
We go in after them.

Gary leans towards Leo.

GARY
Five bucks says you dont survive the
encounter.

LEO
Youre on.

68. EXT. TOWN

Silence [L] sits beside Drazuul. The Zombies stand in semi-
arranged rows. Luster [F] struggles in Drazuuls arms.

Flynn, Osric, and Daphne sneak inside. Then Daphne screws
up her face and sneezes. Drazuul turns towards them.

JOANNA (VO)
Hey, that sneeze was out of character!

Silence [L] points towards the heroes.

SILENCE [L]
Master! More slaves for the lust pits!

Osric points his sword at Drazuul.

OSRIC
You, Hellborn!

Osrics Sunburst glows.

OSRIC
Turn!

74
Osrics hand hisses. He screams and drops his sword.
Drazuul laughs. Osric cradles his burned hand.

DAPHNE
Hes too strong!

OSRIC
Luster, come away!

DAPHNE
She cant! Shes compelled.

FLYNN
I will save her!

LEO (VO)
Counter-song!

Flynn plays a beautiful melody on the mandolin.

WE HEAR: dice roll

Luster [F] snaps out of the spell. She kicks Drazuul in the
crotch. Drazuul bellows, clutches his groin, and falls to
his knees. Luster [F] runs to her companions.

Drazuul belches a stream of acid at Flynn, melting him into
a puddle of goo.

DAPHNE
Yeah, hes pissed.

DRAZUUL
Kill them all!

Silence [L] and the Zombies march towards the heroes.


Gary coughs. Leo wipes a five dollar bill in his armpit and
hands it to Gary.

JOANNA
Can we resurrect Flynn?

LODGE
Theres nothing to resurrect.
75

70. EXT. TOWN

Daphne pokes the Staff of Resurrection into the pile of
bard goo a few times. Nothing happens.


Leo opens his folder of character sheets.

LEO
New character?

LODGE
Sure.

Leo slaps a character sheet on the table.

CASS
Welcome to the party. You can die with
the rest of us.

JOANNA
Thats a bit of a defeatist attitude.

CASS
Okay, then maybe you can explain how
were going to slay a demon after our
wizard wasted his demon-frying spell
on a peasant.

GARY
You thought that was a great idea!

JOANNA
How long would it take to memorize the
spell again?

CASS
For a fourth level spell? Forty minutes,
and thats with no distractions.

Gary has an epiphany. He points at Lodge.

GARY
I cast Power Recall!

76

LODGE
Right. Which does?

GARY
At the cost of two spell slots, I can
re-memorize any spell Ive cast in
one-eighth the time!

LODGE
Assuming you can concentrate.

GARY
Well, protect me.

72. EXT. TOWN

Luster [F] sits studying her spellbook. Daphne and Osric
protect her. Flynn II, a bard with a different colored
cloak, runs in to join them.

The Zombies press in. Daphne hits Silence [L] in the head
with the butt of her spear, dropping him.

LODGE (VO)
Osric lays hands on Silence.

Osric kneels by Silence [L] and lays his hands on him.
Osrics hands glow.

WE HEAR: a musical chime

Silence [L] becomes Silence. His eyes snap open. He leaps
to his feet.

LUSTER [F]
Could you keep it down? I cant
concentrate!

FLYNN II
My music will help.

Flynn II plays the mandolin. A Zombie bites him in the
head, killing him. The Zombie moves towards Luster [F]. She
shoots it with her crossbow without looking up.

77

Leo whips out another character sheet and slaps it on the
table. Lodge raises an eyebrow.

74. EXT. TOWN

Flynn III, wearing a different colored cloak, runs in to
join the others. Two Zombies quickly kill him.


Leo slaps down another character sheet.

LEO
I can do this all night!

LODGE
How many of those have you got?

LEO
Fifty!

76. EXT. TOWN

The Heroes fight the horde of Zombies. Luster [F] never
looks up from her book. Flynn IV runs into the battle.

FLYNN IV
Never fear, Flynn is --

Zombies kill Flynn IV. Flynn V runs into the battle.

FLYNN V
Quiver in fear, for I have --

Zombies kill Flynn V. Flynn VI runs into the battle.

FLYNN VI
Evildoers, prepare to die!

Zombies kill Flynn VI. Flynn VII charges into battle
swinging his rapier.

FLYNN VII
Avast, ye --

Zombies kill Flynn VII. Flynn VIII runs into battle.
78

FLYNN VIII
Im gonna die!

Zombies kill Flynn VIII. Flynn IX runs into battle.

FLYNN IX
Bards suck!

Zombies kill Flynn IX. Flynn X runs into battle.

FLYNN X
Three -- two -- one --

Zombies kill Flynn X. Flynn XI runs into battle, singing
part of the 1812 Overture.

FLYNN XI
Ba da da da da da da da da da --

Zombies kill Flynn XI. Flynn XII runs into battle.

FLYNN XII
All your base are belong to us!

Zombies kill Flynn XII. Flynn XIII runs into battle,
swinging two swords wildly.

FLYNN XIII
There are 37 more of us, assholes!

Zombies kill Flynn XIII.

Daphne drops the Zombies around her and looks towards
Drazuul. The demon hasnt moved.

JOANNA (VO)
Has Drazuul moved at all?

LODGE (VO)
No, he hasnt. Roll a Spot check.

WE HEAR: dice roll

Daphne points out a chalk pentagram surrounding Drazuul.

DAPHNE
79
The demon is trapped in that pentagram!

FLYNN XIV
Thats why he hasnt attacked!

Zombies kill Flynn XIV.

OSRIC
How much more time?

LUSTER [F]
Dont distract me! Im almost done.

FLYNN XV
Praise Therin!

Zombies kill Flynn XV.

LODGE (VO)
Luster has rememorized her spell.

Luster [F] slams her book shut and stands.

LUSTER [F]
Oh, darling! Prepare to receive the
Flaming Hand of Fiery Doom!

Drazuul fires a bolt of lightning at the party, exploding
Flynn XVI. The Heroes scatter.


Leo slaps another sheet on the growing pile on the table.

CASS
Marvelous! A lightning party, and everyones
invited! Might I suggest we get the hell
out of here?

JOANNA
What about the spell?

GARY
I need three rounds to cast it. Id need
a barricade or something.

Leo brightens, inspired.
80

LEO
Hide behind the mound of dead bards!

78. EXT. TOWN

Luster [F], Silence, Osric, and Daphne dive behind a mound
of dead bards, narrowly dodging another lightning bolt.

GARY (VO)
I have to stand to cast. Ill be a
sitting duck.

LEO (VO)
I got your back.

Flynn XVII cracks his knuckles and nods resolutely. Then
Zombies kill him. Luster [F] stands and begins casting.

Drazuul fires a lightning bolt at Luster [F]. Flynn XVIII
leaps in the way and explodes. Drazuul fires another bolt.
Flynn XIX leaps in the way and explodes.

Drazuul fires bolts from both hands, both eyes, and his
mouth. Flynns XX-XXV leap in the way and explode.

Luster [F] finishes her spell. Drazuul freezes in place and
turns amber. The Zombies freeze and burst into clouds of
blue dust.

CASS (VO)
What happened to Hand of Doom?

GARY (VO)
He was expecting that. With Hold Beast,
we can question him.

LODGE (VO)
Well played, Gary.

Luster [F] pulls back Drazuuls head.

LUSTER [F]
Where is your master?

Drazuul laughs. Luster [F] holds up a water skin.
LUSTER [F]
81
Sir Osric, would you bless this water?

Osric lays his hands on the water skin. His hands glow.

WE HEAR: a musical chime

LUSTER [F]
This flask is now full of holy water.
Tell us where your master is, or Ill
give you a bath.

DRAZUUL
Your threat is empty. A paladin cannot
stand by while torture takes place.

Osric looks at the town walls.

OSRIC
My, what interesting walls! I think I
will examine them.

Osric walks off. Fear dawns in Drazuuls eyes. Luster [F]
empties the holy water on Drazuuls head.

WE HEAR: inappropriately horrible shrieking and sizzling

The Heroes react in disgust to the howling demon.

LUSTER [F]
The paladin can always bless more water.
Didnt we pass a lake on the way here?

DRAZUUL
The mines! You will find the entrance in
the mines!

LUSTER [F]
And how do we defeat him?

DRAZUUL
The book! His power is in the book. But
his is not the power to fear!

LUSTER [F]
Be gone, then.

82
Drazuul shrieks and vanishes. The pentagram bursts into
flame and burns out.

Silence and Flynn XXVI (Flynn) clap Osric on the back.
Osric looks queasy.

FLYNN
Total waffle for the paladin!

OSRIC
I feel dirty.


LODGE
You follow an overgrown wagon trail
out of town. The trail winds towards
an ominous looking mine set in the
foot of the mountains. At the entrance
to the mine, narrow stairs plunge far
underground.

Lodge builds a model dungeon on the table out of miniature
dungeon blocks.

LODGE
The initial hallway leads down, deep
into the darkness. As you press on, the
flames of your torches seem to shy away
from the dark. At the bottom of the
stairs, you find yourselves in a great
hall.

Lodge pulls out a bag of miniatures.

LODGE
Time for minis. Mark your spots at the
entrance.

The gamers, minus Joanna, take out tiny pewter figurines of
their characters. Guen watches curiously from an end table.

JOANNA
Could I borrow one?

LEO
Sure.
83
Leo takes a mini out of a bag and hands it to Joanna.

LEO
This is the only woman Ive got.

The mini is a well-endowed barbarian in bikini mail and
boots, armed with a broadsword. Joanna regards Leo wryly.

LEO
Sorry.

Joanna places her piece on the dungeon model.

80. INT. DUNGEON GREAT HALL

The Heroes stand in exactly the same positions and poses as
their miniatures.

Decaying tapestries line the great hall. Gargoyles leer out
from the darkness. A door is set in an oversized fireplace.

A towering magical fire burns in the fireplace. It
effectively blocks access to the door.

FLYNN
I do not like this room.

OSRIC
Take strength in our unity, bard.

FLYNN
My name is not Bard. I am Flynn the
Twenty-Sixth. My ancestors died on the
battlefield ten minutes ago.

DAPHNE
We must take this door. It is the only
passage.

The others nod to Daphne, do a double take, and openly
stare at her.

DAPHNE
What? What are you looking at?

HEROES
(ad libbing)
84
What? Oh, nothing. Nice boots.

Daphne looks down at herself. She is wearing bikini mail,
and is holding a broadsword. Her breasts are much larger.

LUSTER [F]
Hoo, mama.

Luster [F] morphs into Luster [M]. He and the other heroes
stare at Daphnes chest. Daphne reddens.

DAPHNE
This is not what I look like! This is
just the miniature!

FLYNN
Those are many things, dear lady, but
miniature they certainly are not.

Daphne covers herself. Then she screws up her face and
sneezes.

LUSTER [M]
Careful. That top could come right off.

The other Heroes snicker.

DAPHNE
Turn around!

The other Heroes reluctantly turn around.

DAPHNE
Thank you.
(to the ceiling)
And I believe I had a spear!

Daphnes broadsword morphs into a spear.

DAPHNE
Thats more like it. Come on, march.

The Heroes approach the fireplace door. The fire dies down
long enough for them to pass. When they have passed, the
fire flares up again, blocking their retreat.

81. INT. DUNGEON - CORRIDOR
85

Torchlight flickers down a dark dungeon corridor. The
Heroes turn the corner.

A door blocks the end of the corridor. Daphne reaches for
it, but Flynn catches her arm and points to cryptic runes
on the door. Daphne yanks her arm away.

Osric grips his Sunburst and chants softly. The Sunburst
glows. The runes burst into flame and burn away.


The hole Turk knocked through the wall leads deeper into
the dungeon. Nodwick stands beside the collapsed wall next
to his treasure chest.

The Heroes enter and are stunned to see Nodwick.

GARY (VO)
No way. Is that --

LUSTER [M]
Nodwick? Youre still here?

Nodwick looks at Luster [M] and the others.

NODWICK
Who are you?


Joanna looks to Leo and Gary.

JOANNA
Nodwick? Whos Nodwick?

LEO
Our henchman from the last campaign.

JOANNA
Really? Cool. [BEAT] Wait, how long has
he been here?

LODGE
In game time? About two months.

86
JOANNA
You guys left him here all alone?

GARY
Being dead, we had little choice.

JOANNA
And you made him carry that big chest
all by himself?

LEO
Hes a henchman. You know, a two-legged
mule.

CASS
No way hes still alive after eight weeks.

LODGE
You left three months worth of provisions
in that Chest of Holding. Along with
everything else.

GARY
Everything else?

CASS
Our gear!


Luster [M] approaches Nodwick.

LUSTER [M]
Nodwick, dont you recognize me? Its me,
Fastidian.

NODWICK
Why are you wearing a dress?

LUSTER [M]
What? Oh, right.

Luster [M] morphs into Luster [F]. Silence steps up.

SILENCE
Weve come to retrieve our goods. Its
us, your former masters.
87

NODWICK
Hang on a minute. Youre not my masters.
Youre entirely different characters
just played by the same people.

SILENCE
What?

NODWICK
Im talking out of character.

LODGE (VO)
Your characters have no idea who his
last employers were.

NODWICK
Ive never seen you before in my life.
Shove off!

OSRIC
Sorry to trouble you, sir.

Osric bows to Nodwick and turns to leave. Luster [F] grabs
his arm to halt him.

LUSTER [F]
Its us, Nodwick! Turk, Rennard, all
of us!

NODWICK
Werent you a man a minute ago?

LEO (VO)
Ill charm him.

Flynn plays his mandolin. Nodwick softens to the music.

WE HEAR: dice roll

NODWICK
Well -- since my employers are more
than likely dead, I guess you can
have the chest. As long as I get to
carry it.

88
SILENCE
Done and done.
DAPHNE
Youre giving in just like that?

NODWICK
You have to admit, that mandolin can
be very persuasive.


Gary fishes some notes out of his binder.

LEO
Gary, you got that list of what alls in
the trunk?

GARY
Right here.

LEO
We can plunder anything from the list,
right?

LODGE
I suppose.

GARY
Awesome.


Silence and Luster [F] pull potions, weapons, and pieces of
armor out of the trunk.

Silence finds a lightsabre, looks around to make sure
nobody is watching, and pockets it. He pockets other pieces
of anachronistic gear as well.

SILENCE
Now begins the killing. Nodwick, stay here
until we return.

NODWICK
Ive heard that before.

89

Outside, sounds of a struggle and clash of arms drift
through the door. Flynn kicks the door open. The heroes
stride inside.

FLYNN
Mort Kemnon!

Kemnon broods on his throne, shrouded in darkness. Shadows
hide his face.

KEMNON
More uninvited guests.

SILENCE
Your reign of terror ends here!

LUSTER [F]
By the light of Therin, you shall fall!

KEMNON
What good is the light of your goddess?
She cannot help you here.

Black magic crackles around Kemnons hand. The Sunburst on
Osrics armor darkens.

Kemnon steps into the light. His eyes are black. An
intricate pattern of black tattoos covers his fact.

OSRIC
No. Were --

KEMNON
Doomed.

Ghouls run towards the room from entrances to the sides of
Kemnons throne.

Luster [F] fires two bolts of lightning from her hands into
the ceiling above the entrances. The ceilings collapse,
blocking the entrances.

Kemnon regards the collapsed entrances in surprise.

KEMNON
I hadnt really counted on you doing that.
90

OSRIC
Face us, necromancer.

KEMNON
Face my bodyguards, mortal.

CASS (VO)
Bodyguards?

LEO (VO)
I dont remember any bodyguards!

Turk, Fastidian, and Rennard step out from behind Kemnons
throne. All three have pallid undead flesh.

The Heroes draw weapons. Silence ignites his lightsabre.

LODGE (VO)
Hold on!


LODGE
You cant use a lightsabre in this
campaign! Its not even the right
system!

CASS
I see no lightsabre. That would be
copyright infringement. I see a Psionic
Spirit Blade.

LODGE
You dont have my permission to use that
in this campaign.

CASS
Fine. Then you dont have my permission
to use my old character. You never asked
me if you could make him an NPC. Im
pretty sure you didnt ask Leo or Gary,
either.

Leo and Gary nod. Lodge and Cass stare each other down.

LODGE
91
Damn it! [BEAT] Fine! You can use the
trunk stuff, but this is payment in full!
No more concessions!

89. INT. DUNGEON - ANTECHAMBER

Turk, Rennard, and Fastidian flank Kemnon. The Undead
Heroes drape black veils over their faces.

KEMNON
Kill them!

The Undead Heroes charge the Heroes. Fastidian starts
chanting. Silence and Turk face off.

LUSTER [F]
Counterspell!

Fastidians spell fails. Flynn looks around furtively.

FLYNN
Dont let Rennard behind you! Hell
backstab you!

Rennard springs up and stabs Flynn in the back.

FLYNN
Much like that.

Flynn falls dead. Kemnon watches, amused.

Luster [F] and Rennard keep trying to flank each other.
Daphne uses the Staff to resurrect Flynn. Turk hits Daphne
with his axe and knocks her across the room.

LODGE (VO)
Daphne takes nineteen damage.

JOANNA (VO)
Nineteen? Ive only got six hit points!

CASS (VO)
I told you twenty-five wasnt enough!

Silence kicks Turk in the throat, dropping him. Osric
flanks Turk as Fastidian points his Sunburst at Osric.

92
FASTIDIAN
Turn!

Invisible forces fling Osric against the opposite wall.
Osric drops his sword.

Turk knocks Silence over. Rennard trips Luster [F], and
Flynn then trips over her. Kemnon starts to laugh, but his
laughter quickly dies. Kemnon looks up in fear.

WE HEAR: giant, thundering footsteps

An enormous black paw slams down in the room. Everyone
stops fighting and looks up.

WE HEAR: a deafening roar

An enormous black cat, Giant Guen, fills most of the room.

FLYNN
Oh, my god!

Giant Guen eats Flynn.


Guen stands on the table in the antechamber of the dungeon
model. The miniatures are scattered. Guen has the mini of
Flynn in his mouth.

LEO
Bad kitty! Leggo my mini!

LODGE
Guenhwyvar, off the table!

Lodge picks up Guen and rescues the mini from his mouth.
Guen protests. Lodge sets Guen on the floor and gives the
mini to Leo. The mini is missing an arm.

LEO
I believe I had an arm. [BEAT] Oh, there
it is.

Leo picks up the arm from the model.

LODGE
93
Sorry about that, everyone.

Lodge reassembles the dungeon. Leo glues the arm back on
his mini with thick, clear glue.


Aside from the throne and the rubble blocking the
entrances, the room is empty.

Lodge appears in the room and looks around.

LODGE
Okay. Bad guys, front and center.

Kemnon, Turk, Rennard, and Fastidian enter.

LODGE
You guys were over there.

Kemnon and the Undead Heroes go where Lodge indicates. Once
there, they strike their previous poses.

LODGE
All right. Heroes, line up.

The Heroes enter the frame. Flynn has a thick ring of hard,
clear glue around his right shoulder. Lodge points them to
their previous positions.

CASS (VO)
Actually, I was standing.

Silence stands.

JOANNA (VO)
And I was facing the other way.

Joanna turns around so shes facing Fastidian. Osric is on
Fastidians other side.

GARY (VO)
And Im pretty sure I was behind Rennard.

LODGE
Really?

94
GARY (VO)
Would I lie?

Luster [F] gets behind Rennard.

LODGE
Okay, everythings set?

Lodge nods and vanishes.

LODGE (VO)
Go!

Luster [F] backstabs Rennard, killing him. Daphne and Osric
stab Fastidian, killing him. Silence cuts Turk in half with
the lightsabre, killing him (duh).

KEMNON
Stupid cat.

Osric charges Kemnon and swings at him mightily. Kemnon
vanishes. Osrics swing cleaves the throne in half.

OSRIC
Where has he gone?

Flynn runs up and examines the wall behind the throne. He
points to a switch.

FLYNN
Theres a door here!

Flynns arm falls off. Daphne grabs and reattaches it.

92. INT. DUNEGON CHAPEL CRYPT

Beyond is a dark chapel. A tall pipe organ dominates the
far wall. In the corner is a small cell.

Inside a cell rests a large, leather-bound book. Two
desiccated black Mummies hang outside the cell.

A side wall slides back. The Heroes pour through as Kemnon
plays a menacing fugue on the organ.

KEMNON
Welcome to the chapel of a true god! I
95
promise you, this will be our final
confrontation.

Kemnon stands and turns. He raises a black mask, the Mask
of Death, to his face. Darkness swirls around him.

Kemnon fires a bolt of darkness at the Heroes, destroying
Silences lightsabre.

Silence, Daphne, and Osric lunge at Kemnon and strike him.
He hurls them aside like rag dolls.

LODGE (VO)
Each of you hit, but he shows absolutely
no signs of damage.

Kemnon folds his arms and walks towards the prone heroes.

KEMNON
Surely you can do better than that.

SILENCE
As you wish.

Silence pulls out a shotgun and pumps it.

LODGE (VO)
What the -- ?

CASS (VO)
Its from the trunk.

LODGE (VO)
I didnt mean you could --

Silence unloads ton Kemnon. Kemnon shields himself with his
arms. Silence pumps and fires, pumps and fires.

Daphne looks around frantically and sees the book.

JOANNA (VO)
The book! The demon said his power was
in the book.

DAPHNE
Destroy the grimoire!

96
Kemnon backhands Daphne, sending her sprawling.

Silence fires again, but the shotgun is empty. Silence
hefts a chainsaw, starts it, and charges Kemnon.

Luster [F] picks the lock on the cage. The Mummies scream
and animate. They grab Luster [F] and hold her against the
bars of the cell.

Flynn tucks and rolls into the cage past the Mummies. He
stands before the book and draws a dagger.


On the dungeon model, the miniature of Flynn stands in the
cell with the book.

LODGE
Flynn is in the cell with the grimoire.

LEO
I stab it. Wait! I backstab it.

CASS
Good call.

LODGE
What? You cant backstab it. You cant
sneak attack an inanimate object.

LEO
Why not? Its prone!

LODGE
You cant backstab something with no
discernable anatomy!

LEO
Its got a spine, doesnt it!

Leo grabs a 20-sided die and rolls a 1.

94. INT. DUNGEON CHAPEL CRYPT

Silence cuts through the Mummies with the chainsaw. This
frees Luster [F], who starts casting.

97
Flynn stabs at the book and hits his hand. He howls in pain
and pulls out the dagger. He looks at the grimoire as if
hes just solved a riddle.

FLYNN
Ive got it!

LODGE (VO)
Youve got what?

LEO (VO)
Its reverse damage! If I wound it, I get
hurt. The reverse is also true!

Flynn squares himself before the book.

FLYNN
Your evil ends here, Mort Kemnon!

Flynn stabs himself in the chest. Everyone stops fighting
and looks at Flynn. Confused, Flynn drops dead.


Everyone stares at Leo.

LEO
Bards suck.

LODGE
That was unprecedented, Leo.

GARY
On the upside, though, it gave me time
to finish my spell.

LODGE
Which one?

GARY
Please.

96. INT. DUNGEON CHAPEL CRYPT

Luster [F] finishes her spell. The book bursts into flame.

98
Kemnon shrieks and ignites. Silence rolls a bundle of
dynamite under Mort Kemnon and gets ready to push down the
detonator plunger.

The book explodes. An explosion rocks Kemnon. Silence
pushes the plunger on the detonator. Another explosion hits
Kemnon. He falls into a burning heap. The Mask of Death
clatters on the ground.

The flames die down. Kemnon can hardly move, and looks to
have aged a hundred years. He laughs feebly.

KEMNON
You think -- that you have won.

LUSTER [F]
Pretty much. You did just explode.

SILENCE
Twice, actually.

KEMNON
You have only made -- him -- more
powerful.

DAPHNE
Who?

Kemnon laughs and bursts into a cloud of blue dust. His
laughter echoes throughout the chapel crypt, dying slowly.

Osric kneels and picks up the Mask of Death. The moment he
touches it, all the lights die.


LODGE
You emerge from the mine, Kemnons
final words burning in your ears. You
trek through the ruins of Westhaven,
make excellent time, and return to
Mudhollow as the sun is setting.

LEO
Lets go to the inn. Ive only got two
hit points.

99
LODGE
And the Staff of Resurrection is out of
charges.

LEO
I need a good nights sleep.

JOANNA
We need to talk things over before we
turn in, so were all on the same page.

GARY
In character?

JOANNA
Of course.

GARY
And we cant just skip to morning?

JOANNA
This is what my character would do.
(to Lodge)
I order dinner from the innkeeper.


The Heroes share a table in the center of the common room.
The other tables are deserted.

FLYNN
Could we go to bed soon? Im almost
dead.

DAPHNE
In a moment. Do you remember what
Mort Kemnon said just before he died?

LUSTER [F]
Aaaarrrggh?

DAPHNE
He said, you have only made him more
powerful. Who was he talking about?

SILENCE
Death, obviously. His god.
100

DAPHNE
I disagree. How would Death be more
Powerful after his greatest servant
was killed?

OSRIC
In the forest, he also said our breath
was wasted on him. I dismissed it then.
Maybe he was trying to tell us something.

SILENCE
Such as?

DAPHNE
Perhaps he was not the enemy we should
have been seeking.

The Barmaid seduced by Flynn brings a steaming baked turkey
to the table. Flynn grins at her winningly.

FLYNN
Hello again, gorgeous.

The Barmaid slaps him hard across the face and storms off.

LODGE (VO)
Okay, thats one damage.

FLYNN
What?

LODGE (VO)
Minimum damage, dude. Sorry.

LEO (VO)
Ive got one hit point left! One! I
Could die from a squirrel bite!

FLYNN
I would really like to go to bed right
now.
DAPHNE
In a moment.

Luster [F] stares at the turkey in boredom.

101
OSRIC
Maybe the him was whoever holds the
Mask of Death.


The Gamers all sit in the same positions around the table
as their characters at the inn.

JOANNA
That could implicate the King, maybe
even the Hierophant.

LODGE
What would the Hierophant want with the
power of Death? I dont think he could
even use it. Hes not his worshipper.

GARY
Boring!

JOANNA
Flynn, you said the Mask gives its
wearer the power of his god, correct?

LEO
What of it?

JOANNA
If thats true, then the Hierophant
could use the mask to gain the power
of Therin!

LEO
Why would he do that? Hes already her
Hierophant.

Gary rolls his head on the table in boredom.

GARY
Cant we do this in the morning?

100. INT. INN NIGHT

Luster [F] rolls her head on the table in boredom.

OSRIC
102
There was something the demon said,
right before we banished him.

LUSTER [F]
Bleeaaaarrrgh?

OSRIC
He said Kemnons power was in his book,
but that --

DAPHNE
That his was not the power to fear. [BEAT]
And what does that mean?

Luster [F] looks up, painfully bored. Her eyes land on the
turkey. Her face lights up with wicked inspiration. She
starts casting a spell.


Gary scribbles a note and hands it to Lodge. It reads:
Raise Dead on the turkey! Lodge frowns at Gary.

102. INT. INN NIGHT

The Undead Turkey rises, moaning inappropriately. It
wobbles around the table, dropping stuffing everywhere.
Luster [M], male again, is pleased.

DAPHNE
You raised our dinner from the dead?

LUSTER [M]
Apparently.

OSRIC
I am morally obliged to destroy this
monstrosity.

Osric stands and unsheathes his sword.

OSRIC
What would my order say?

INQUISITOR (OS)
We would congratulate you for doing
your duty.
103

The Heroes turn to the door. Inquisitor stands in the
doorway, flanked by six armed Paladins.

OSRIC
Lord High Inquisitor! We were not
expecting you.

The Heroes eye each other suspiciously. Turkey gobble-walks
across the table.

INQUISITOR
I forgive you. I take it that you were
successful on your quest?

OSRIC
Aye, we were.

INQUISITOR
Then you have recovered the Mask of
Death.

OSRIC
Aye, we have.

INQUISITOR
Then our land will be at peace. Quickly,
now, hand it over so we may rush it to
the cathedral.

OSRIC
What you ask is impossible. I have sworn
to return the Mask to the King.

INQUISITOR
We come with the Kings blessing. Now,
hand over the Mask.

The Heroes slowly push away from the table.

OSRIC
I cannot.

INQUISITOR
That was not a request, Osric. This is
not the time for personal glory. You
will give me the Mask, by order of the
104
Grand Hierophant.

Osric stares at Inquisitor, unblinking.

OSRIC
You have your answer, Inquisitor.

The Paladins draw their swords. The Heroes draw their
weapons. Turkey waddles off the table.

FLYNN
Im gonna die, Im gonna die!

Flynn hides in the corner beside the fireplace.

DAPHNE
Put your swords away! Hasnt enough
blood already been spilled? Havent
enough bards already died?

INQUISITOR
This amounts to treason! Youve gone
over to the side of darkness!

SILENCE
He who stumbles around in darkness
with stick is blind, but he who sticks
out in darkness is -- fluorescent.

The Heroes, Paladins, and Inquisitor all stare at Silence.


The Gamers stare at Cass. Lodge points at him.

LODGE
Lose 50 Experience.

GARY
Detect Evil on the Inquisitor

LODGE
Hes not evil, but hes convinced
himself you are.

105

The Heroes and Paladins square off. Turkey wobbles around
on the floor.

OSRIC
There is no reason for us to fight.

INQUISITOR
The Mask has corrupted you! Give it to
me!

OSRIC
You know not what you ask! I will not
shed innocent blood!

INQUISITOR
The time for negotiation has passed!

Inquisitor draws his dagger. Righteousness burns in his
eyes.

INQUISITOR
I will have the Mask!

Inquisitor lunges at Osric. Osric grabs Inquisitors dagger
arm and throws him back into the Paladins.

Flynn cowers in the corner. Turkey waddles towards him.
Daphne sneezes.

WE HEAR: dice roll

JOANNA (VO)
Fumble!

Daphne trips backwards and falls prone on her back. The
Inquisitor leaps towards her, dagger poised.

OSRIC
Daphne! No!

Osric deflects the dagger. Inquisitor impales himself on
Osrics sword. Inquisitor gurgles and dies.

WE HEAR: undead turkey sounds

106
Flynn looks up at the mantel. Turkey looks back at him.
Flynn shrieks as Turkey leaps upon him.

A Paladin clubs Osric and snatches the Mask from his belt.
The Paladins storm out of the inn and escape.

The Heroes climb to their feet. Flynn lies dead on the
floor. Turkey stands on his bloody chest. Osric points his
sword at the Turkey.

OSRIC
Turn!

Nothing happens. Everyone looks at Osric.

OSRIC
Ive killed my own. Ive lost my powers.

Luster [M] backstabs the Turkey, killing it. Then he rips a
piece off the Turkey and eats it.

LUSTER [M]
Its still good.


LODGE
By the time youve rushed outside, the
Paladins have ridden away. You try to
resurrect Flynn, but the Staff is out
of charges, and therefore, useless.

106. INT. INN NIGHT

Flynn lies dead on the table. Osric, Daphne, and Silence
pace back and forth. Luster [M] munches on more Turkey.

SILENCE
We must retrieve the Mask. We must also
assume that the Hierophant, for whatever
reason, is now our enemy. We havent a
moment to lose.

DAPHNE
It will take days to cross the mountains.

LUSTER [M]
107
Do you want to bury the bard, get the
piety points?

SILENCE
No. He still has a part to play.

107. EXT. FANTASY WORLD

The Heroes stride back across the land. Flynn lies covered
in a handcart.

LODGE (VO)
You journey swiftly back into the kings
land. As you go, you are more convinced
that the true enemy lies ahead, for the
land is harsher even than before.


LODGE
You arrive to find the cathedral guarded
by Paladins.

CASS
Theyll be looking for us.

GARY
We need a distraction.

Cass smiles predatorily at Gary.

GARY
What?

109. EXT. CATHEDRAL

Paladins guard the cathedral with a Priest.

Luster [M], disguised as a peasant, wheels the cart with
Flynns body towards the guards. The other Heroes hide.

When Luster [M] nears, the Priest halts him.

PRIEST
Ho, peasant. What business brings you
to Therins temple?

108
LUSTER [M]
Please, father, my husband is dead.
Raise him with Therins healing hand.

PRIEST
Your husband?

LUSTER [M]
Yes. I am so a woman.

Luster [M] morphs into Luster [F].

PRIEST
Be that as it may, death is natural. We
cannot resurrect every yeoman who falls.

Luster [F] holds out a bag of gold.

LUSTER [F]
Not even if I make this donation to the
church?

Priest takes the gold and tucks it into his belt.

PRIEST
Therins blessings be upon you.

Priest turns to the Paladins. Luster [F] steals the bag of
gold back from him.

PRIEST
Brothers, escort this lady to the
infirmary.

The Paladins lead Luster [F] inside.

The Heroes sneak up behind Priest. Silence punches him in
the ribs. Priest freezes in place and turns amber. The
Heroes hurry past into the cathedral.

A moment later, Daphne returns and hangs the chain mail bra
in the Priests outstretched hand. She giggles and leaves.

110. INT. INFIRMARY

Flynn lies on a bed. A Healer sits next to him. Luster [F]
waits nearby.
109

Healer plays the Hymn to Therin on her recorder. The
Priestess seduced by Flynn pours water on Flynns eyes from
a crystal jar. Flynn shudders, and comes back to life.

HEALER
Therin be praised.

FLYNN
That music. Ive heard it before.

HEALER
That is the Hymn to Therin. It calls forth
the love of our goddess.

Flynn turns to Priestess and smiles wryly.

FLYNN
Hey, gorgeous. Care to break another
vow?

Priestess slaps Flynn across the face.

FLYNN
Is that any way to treat the dead?

PRIESTESS
Youre not dead any more.

FLYNN
Give me a minute.

Daphne, Silence, and Osric enter.

DAPHNE
Alive? Good! Its time.

Flynn turns to the Healer.

FLYNN
Keep that water handy.

111. INT. CATHEDRAL

Hierophant sits on a throne before the altar. He holds the
Heart of Therin in his hand.

110
The doors burst open. The Heroes stride inside.

DAPHNE
Grand Hierophant, we beg an audience!

HIEROPHANT
The questing heroes have returned!

OSRIC
Give us the Mask.

HIEROPHANT
And why would I do this?

FLYNN
It must be destroyed.

HIEROPHANT
My dear boy, why would I wish it
destroyed?

DAPHNE
It is evil. It must be destroyed, for
the glory of your goddess.

HIEROPHANT
It is for the glory of my goddess that
I shall wear the Mask!

The Heroes recoil, stunned.

HIEROPHANT
How can you not understand? Before the
threat of Mort Kemnon, the people had
turned their backs on Therin. They
became complacent, unholy. By depriving
them of their goddess, I have rekindled
their faith! Their fear of Death drives
them to the saving light of Therin!

DAPHNE
If the King finds out what youve done --

HIEROPHANT
The King would not understand. Now I
rule, as King, as Hierophant, and as
avatar of our goddess!
111

Hierophant dons the Mask of Death. Power and light swirl
around him.

HIEROPHANT
I have brought peace to these unworthy
lands! I have resurrected the glory of
light! And so only I am deserving of
the power of Therin!

Hierophant points at the Heroes.

HIEROPHANT
Kneel before your new god!

Daphne, Flynn, Luster [F] and Silence kneel against their
will. Osric struggles towards Hierophant.

OSRIC
You have betrayed your vows and your
goddess. She will not stand for this
blasphemy, and neither will I!

HIEROPHANT
Then join her in the world beyond!

Hierophant fires a ray of light at Osric. Osric screams and
writhes in pain.

Flynn, on his knees, brings out his mandolin. Flynn plays
the Hymn to Therin.

Hierophant turns attention to Flynn. The light around Osric
winks out. Osric collapses.

HIEROPHANT
Goddess?

WE HEAR: the Hymn to Therin, played by an unseen orchestra.
The sound fills the inner sanctum.

The Heart of Therin begins to glow.

OSRIC
The Heart! Daphne, Therin is trapped in
the Heart!

112
Hierophant fires another bolt of light into Osric. Osric
writhes in pain. Hierophant tries to cover the glowing
Heart, but it burns his hands. He betrays fear.

HIEROPHANT
Goddess! I am your avatar!

A pulse of light emanates from the Heart. It knocks the
Mask from Hierophants face and breaks the unseen bonds
trapping the Heroes.

The Mask lands within arms reach of Osric. The Heroes
rise. Daphne hefts her spear.

DAPHNE
The light of Therin be upon you.

HIEROPHANT
No!

Daphne hurls the spear at the Heart, shattering it.

A blinding light flashes, wiping everything away. When the
light fades, Daphne and Hierophant are gone.

Flynn, Silence, and Luster [F] look around. Their eyes come
to rest on Osric. He is dead, lying peacefully on his back
with the broken Mask of Death on his chest.

112. EXT. PALACE OF LIGHT

Blinding light fades. Daphne blinks and looks around.

A golden castle of sunlight rises atop hills of white
grain. Blinding light shines from the Palace.

Therin, a radiant goddess with flowing hair, appears.
Daphne drops to her knees and lowers her eyes.

THERIN
Rise, Daphne.

Daphne rises.
THERIN
You have freed me from my prison, and
have my thanks. Of all your fellows,
it was you who never strayed from the
113
paths of goodness and law. And so, as
a reward, I will grant you any one
wish you desire.


Gary, Cass, and Leo are stunned.

GARY
No way.

LEO
Limited wish, or unlimited?

CASS
Shes a goddess, dude. Its unlimited.
She can wish for anything.

LEO
Oh, go for levels! You could make yourself
like a twentieth level everything!

GARY
No! Gear! Wish for everything in these
books!

CASS
Dont think small. Wish yourself immortal!
Have her make you a goddess as well!

Joanna turns to Lodge.

JOANNA
What do you think?

LODGE
I think its up to you.

114. EXT. PALACE OF LIGHT

Daphne raises her eyes to Therin.

THERIN
What is your wish?

JOANNA
I wish you would return Sir Osric to life,
114
as the noble paladin he was.

Therin smiles and nods.

THERIN
So be it.

The light flashes blindingly, whiting out everything.


Everyone but Joanna is stunned.

LEO
Thats awesome.

LODGE
Thats beautiful!

CASS
Thats so freaking stupid!

Cass pushes himself up and paces, agitated.

CASS
I have seen stupid decisions before,
but this is the single most lame,
retarded one ever! You wasted an
unlimited wish on an NPC! How about
wishing for more wishes, advancing our
levels, getting us magic items! How
about wishing yourself immortal first,
then resurrecting him yourself? Good
God, you could have had anything!

JOANNA
Its what my character would have done.

CASS
You could have been a god! I know
Mormons whod kill for that! But no,
you make the single most illogical
decision in the history of role playing
games! What was the paladin to us? Hes
not even a real character! We can always
get more NPCs! You wasted the greatest
treasure in the game on nothing but
115
a story decision! That is it!

Cass grabs his coat and gear. He storms towards the door.

CASS
Damn it, were gamers! Havent you learned
anything?!

Cass slams the door. Gary turns to Lodge.

GARY
So, what happens next?

116. INT. CATHEDRAL

Luster [F] and Flynn kneel beside Osric. White light
flashes blindingly, and Daphne appears.

Daphne kneels beside Osric. She grabs his hands. His
Sunburst glows, then flashes. Osric wakes and stands, hand
in hand with Daphne.

White light flashes blindingly again. Therin appears,
floating above the altar. The Heroes kneel before her.

Therin waves her hand, and the Mask mends itself anew.

THERIN
Rise, Flynn.

Flynn rises.

THERIN
If was your music that called me forward
from the Hierophants prison. You have
my thanks. You shall be my herald, and
bring music and peace to the people.

Light shines on Flynn from above. When it fades, he is
clean and groomed, and his cloak is white.

LODGE (VO)
Leo, gain three levels of the Cantor
prestige class.

LEO (VO)
Awesome!
116

THERIN
Rise, Luster.

Luster [F] rises.

THERIN
It was your skill in magic that kept
your companions alive in the wilderness.
You have my thanks. I would have you,
too, enter my service, but I cannot
have an evil person sworn to me.

LUSTER [F]
Im not evil. Im Chaotic Neutral.

Luster [F] turns to the other Heroes.

LUSTER [F]
Right?

Osric, Flynn, and Joanna stare incredulously at Luster [F].

HEROES
(ad libbing)
No! Lord, no. Way evil! E-V-I-L. Total
child of darkness.

Therin raises a hand. Light surrounds Luster, purifying
her. When it fades, Luster [F]s robes and cowl are white.

LODGE (VO)
She just forcibly changed your alignment
to Neutral Good. And you cant remember
any of your spells.

GARY (VO)
What?

LUSTER [F]
What did you do to me?

THERIN
I have burned away your wickedness, and
made you whole again.

117
LUSTER [F]
Game terms, please.

Therin frowns, annoyed.

THERIN
I replaced your levels of sorcerer with
equal levels of cleric.

LUSTER [F]
But I have to be good?

THERIN
Yes.

LUSTER [F]
Oh. Thanks?

THERIN
Where is the monk?

DAPHNE
He has gone. He disagreed with the wisdom
of my decision.

THERIN
Often, those who consider themselves wise
are the greatest fools of all.

The Heroes nod to each other. That made sense.

THERIN
Rise, Osric.

Osric rises, Daphnes hands in his.

THERIN
It was your steady blade that kept your
fellows safe. I dub thee the new Lord
High Marshall of my Paladins, with all
accompanying lands and titles.

Therin floats above the altar. The light around her shines
brightly. The heroes shield their eyes.

THERIN
Go forth, heroes! And bring my light
118
to the dark places of the world!

The light flashes blindingly, whiting out the scene.


JOANNA
Cool!

GARY
I guess that means the campaigns over,
doesnt it?

LODGE
This one is, yeah.

Conversation falls quiet for a few moments.

GARY
I had a good time.

LEO
Me, too. That was different. But cool,
mostly cool.
(to Joanna)
I like how you game.

GARY
Totally in agreement, here.

118. EXT. LODGES APARTMENT

The door opens. Joanna, Gary, and Leo step out. Lodge
follows, Guen in his arms. They exchange goodbyes, and Gary
and Leo leave. Joanna and Lodge regard each other.


Lodge sits at his computer and kills the screen saver. He
erases Joanna from the screen.

Lodge leans forward and starts typing. The words flow out
onto the screen. He types like a machine.

Night dissolves into day. Dawn finds Lodge asleep in his
chair as pages print out of his printer.

119
Joanna walks up behind Lodge and massages his shoulders.
Lodge wakes and smiles gratefully at her.


Leo stocks Lodges module in the rack with other gaming
modules. The module is entitled: The Mask of Death, by
Kevin Lodge.

Lodge, Leo, Gary, and Joanna stand back to admire the
module in the rack. Lodge has an armful of copies.

GARY
Awesome.

JOANNA
Very cool.

LODGE
And, of course, everyone gets a promo.

Lodge hands out copies to the Gamers, who eagerly open them
and examine the contents.

LODGE
I saved one for Cass, too. Since he was
part of the campaign.

Things fall quiet for a few moments.

GARY
The story doesnt end here, does it?

Lodge meanders towards the gaming table in the back. The
others follow.

LODGE
Oh, theres more. Ive gonna borrow this
awesome villain from a friends campaign.
Hes sort of a ninja swashbuckler, called
the Shadow.

JOANNA
The Shadow.

GARY
The Shadow?
120

Mark, who was standing at a nearby rack, whirls around.

MARK
The Shadow!

Mark shrieks unnaturally and runs down the hall.

LODGE
I dont know that guy.

Still screaming, Mark turns the corner and almost collides
with Cass. Cass humbly approaches the group.

CASS
Hey, guys. Hey, Lodge.

Cass motions Lodge aside with his head. Lodge complies.

CASS
Congrats on getting published. I know
you really worked hard on it.

LODGE
Thanks.

CASS
I had a look at it, and its really pretty
well-balanced.

Lodge nods. Cass rocks back and forth on his heels

CASS
So, I heard you were starting up a new
campaign. I was thinking, you know, if
you need another player to drop in
every now and then --

LODGE
Why the change of heart?

CASS
Well -- if I win, then the story ends.
And I kind of want it to keep going.

LODGE
Would you like to game with us, Cass?
121

CASS
Well, you know, if it doesnt mess with
your plans.

LODGE
Why dont you join us?

CASS
Thanks.

Lodge gestures towards the table in the back. The Gamers
move towards it.

Lodge, Gary, and Leo seat themselves. Cass and Joanna peel
off to one side and regard each other.

CASS
Coffee?

JOANNA
Coffee.

Cass and Joanna join the others around the table. Lodge
sits behind the gamemaster screen and picks up some notes.

LEO
So, this new adventure. Wheres it
start?

LODGE
Pretty much where we left off. You saved
the kingdom, and returned peace to the
realm -- or did you?

121. INT. THRONE ROOM

Guests from throughout the previous adventure line the
chamber.

Osric, dressed in white, stands before the King. Luster
[F], Daphne, Silence, and Flynn stand to one side.

King
I give you Lord Osric of Whitetower!

122
The Guests cheer. Osric winks at Daphne, who smiles coyly
back.

Flynn sidles between the Barmaid and Priestess he seduced
earlier. He whispers in their ears. Both girls link arms
with Flynn, and all three run behind some tapestries.

A distressed Herald runs up to the King and kneels.

HERALD
Dire news, my lord!

KING
Rise. What is it?

Herald rises. The Guests quiet down.
HERALD
The Mask of Death! Its gone, stolen by
the Shadow!

The Guests all gasp. The Heroes pump their fists.

KING
It must be retrieved. Who will risk
their lives on this quest?

The Heroes raise their hands.

LUSTER [F]
Yo! Right here.

The Heroes assemble. Flynn, disheveled, staggers out from
behind the tapestry.

KING
But you just got here! Surely someone
else could go on this quest.

The King, Heroes, and Guests all laugh.

KING
Yeah, that sounded pretty dumb. All right,
off you go.

The crowd of Guests parts. The Heroes stride purposefully
out of the throne room. The Guests and King wave farewell.

123
122. INT. DUNEGON CAVE

Nodwick waits impatiently in the cave where the Heroes left
him. He sighs and kicks the empty trunk.

NODWICK
Well, isnt this just bloody typical?

THE END

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