JQ2 - 1-25-12 Red

JourneyQuest
Season 2
January 24, 2012
by
Matt Vancil
Zombie Orpheus Entertainment 2012
EPISODE I
QUAINT VILLAGE - DAY - DIORAMA 1 1 *
CAPTION: A Year Ago... *
Within a cutout paper frame, CURTAINS OPEN to reveal the *
DIORAMA of a quaint village done in layers of illustrated *
paper cutouts, like something a child might make. *
A cutout of the THREE MERRY MILKMAIDS stands before a cutout *
of VILLAGERS in front of a paper background town. *
WREN (O.S.) *
At long last, our story continues! *
A cutout sign lowers into view on strings. It reads: *
WREN (O.S.) *
The Ballad of the Three Merry *
Milkmaids! *
A sign on a stick enters stage left under the first. It *
reads: *
WREN (O.S.) *
Act the Third. *
A third sign, also on a stick, enters from stage right, lines *
up beneath the other two. It reads, in quotes: *
WREN (O.S.) *
Not Wrens Fault. *
The signs all whip away. *
A drunken GIANT, a cutout on a stick, carouses back and forth *
before the villagers. (Wren voices all the cutouts.) *
GIANT CUTOUT *
(singing) *
Lum de lum de lum, me so drunk, me *
so drunk. *
The Giant bends on his hinged waist to lean over a paper *
cutout of WREN. *
GIANT CUTOUT *
Song-girl got more? Not that me *
get it from you in first place. *
WREN CUTOUT *
Please, Im not here. *
1/25/12 1.
GIANT CUTOUT *
HA HA! You right there! Boo! *
A cutout KNIGHT, the villagers champion, saunters over. *
KNIGHT CUTOUT *
Hey, Red Boots! Could we get on *
with it? Flex, flex. *
Pulled strings make the Knight flex. *
WREN CUTOUT *
Working on it. *
GIANT CUTOUT *
(to Wren) *
Youre good-nice! *
WREN CUTOUT *
Thanks! Thank you. But dont you *
think you should-? *
GIANT CUTOUT *
No more cow bash! *
WREN *
Thats great! But surely, isnt *
it to you got on with the whole-? *
GIANT *
Cow bash done! Me go home. *
The THREE MERRY MILKMAIDS shake angrily. *
THREE MERRY MILKMAIDS CUTOUT *
Kill him! Kill him! *
The block of VILLAGERS follow suit. *
VILLAGERS CUTOUT *
Rumble, rumble, rumble! *
KNIGHT CUTOUT *
Look, is it gonna be much longer? *
Ive got maidens to deflower. *
Flex, flex- *
The Knights hinged arm falls off. *
WREN (O.S.) *
That part didnt happen. *
1/25/12 2.
GIANT CUTOUT *
No want fight. Me go home, have *
big sleep. *
The Giant Cutout YAWNS. *
GIANT CUTOUT *
Whew! Hot too big. *
He leans over Wren again. *
GIANT CUTOUT *
Wanna see me take off shirt? *
WREN CUTOUT *
I told you, Im not here! You *
cant talk to me! *
The Giant Cutout, LAUGHING, bends articulated arms to lift *
his shirt. He trips and falls backwards- *
KNIGHT CUTOUT *
I brought this on myself! *
-CRUSHING the Knight under his posterior. *
GIANT CUTOUT *
HA HA! Butt go crush. *
The Three Merry Milkmaids SCREAM and shake back and forth. *
The cutout block of Villagers does likewise. *
INT. HEADMISTRESSS STUDY - DAY A1 A1 *
The Headmistress SLAMS her fist on her desk. *
HEADMISTRESS *
WREN! *
Behind her cutout diorama, Wren straightens, forces a smile. *
WREN *
I can explain. *
EXT. WILDERNESS - DAY - TITLE BIT (ALREADY SHOT) 2 2 *
Perf dashes across the screen, loses his hat, retrieves it. *
GRAPHIC: JourneyQuest
CAPTION: Episode I: An Epic?
1/25/12 3.
INT. HEADMISTRESSS STUDY - DAY 3 3
The HEADMISTRESS, a silver-haired beauty, glares as Wren *
extricates herself from the strings of her diorama. *
WREN *
I merely suggested that he might *
feel a bit more brave if he took
the edge off. I didnt think hed
get plastered. For a giant, he was *
kind of a lightweight. *
HEADMISTRESS
You interfered. *
WREN
No! Hardly! I mean, if you want
to be technical, maybe. A little.
HEADMISTRESS *
SIT! *
Tail between her legs, Wren drops onto a tiny stool. *
HEADMISTRESS
What is the Grand Tenet of the
Bards Guild?
WREN
The knight was gonna kill him! Is
it his fault their cows kept
pooping in his river?
HEADMISTRESS
The Grand Tenet, Wren. What is it?
Wren somehow sinks deeper onto her stool.
WREN
Do not interfere.
HEADMISTRESS
Do not interfere.
The Headmistress rises, slips into in lecture mode. As she
circles Wren, Wren mouths her words along with her.
HEADMISTRESS
A bards duty is to observe and
record, to preserve history in song
for the enlightenment and
edification of future generations.
1/25/12 4.
(MORE)
We allow events to unfold
naturally, organically, and do
nothing to influence their outcome.
Back at her desk, the Headmistress whirls on Wren, who snaps
her mouth shut.
HEADMISTRESS
Like by saving a protagonists
life. Or pointing out the correct
path. Or giving him water when
hes dying in the desert!
WREN
It was apple juice.
HEADMISTRESS
Missing the point! How do you ever
expect to graduate if you cant
grasp this one basic principle?
WREN
I would graduate if youd just give
me an epic! Im ready!
HEADMISTRESS
An epic? Are you mad?!
WREN
Ive been a journeyman for years!
Please, Im wasted on ballads!
HEADMISTRESS
Absolutely not! The cheek of it!
Any normal student would have been
expelled by now. Your familys the
only reason youre still here!
Wren storms off. A moment later, she returns to knock over a
figurine on the desk before storming out again.
INT. ROYAL BALCONY - TRANSIS - DAY 4 4 *
CAPTION: Still a Year Ago, and Far to the East... *
Into frame steps KARN, 30s, a mountain of a man, his face and *
crown painted crimson with blood. He scowls down at the *
unseen crowd beneath the balcony, hefts his huge, bloody axe, *
and SLAMS it into the floor. *
KARN
Who else disputes my rule?
1/25/12 5.
HEADMISTRESS (cont'd)
Silence from below. *
KARN
Witness! I hold the crown I won
with my own hand! See the leaders
of your pathetic rebellion laid out
before my sandalled feet. Now hear
my will, for my word is law!
(beat) *
All children shall receive an
education, regardless of class.
MURMURS from below. The kingdoms spindly CHAMBERLAIN puts *
on a smile, bows obsequiously.
CHAMBERLAIN
Noble Karn-
KARN
Silence! All positions of power
and leadership shall be based on
merit rather than birth!
Incensed MURMURS. The Chamberlain tries again. *
CHAMBERLAIN
Noble Karn-
KARN
SILENCE! All citizens shall have
access to medicine and healers, and
all servants of the state shall
receive a pension in their dotage.
An apoplectic ARISTOCRAT on the balcony draws a dagger- *
ARISTOCRAT
Death to the barbarian tyrant!
-and HOWL-charges Karn. Without taking his eyes off the
crowd, Karn kills him (off screen) with a single swift chop.
KARN
See to his family.
He slings the axe across his massive shoulders, glares.
KARN
Now. Who else disputes my rule?
Zero response. Karn GRUNTS, cracks a hint of a smile.
1/25/12 6.
KARN
Ill civilize you yet, Transis.
He turns his back to the balcony - and a ninja-looking *
ASSASSINS ducks out from behind the startled Chamberlain. *
CHAMBERLAIN
Noble Karn!
The Assassin drops the Chamberlain with a punch, and darts *
for Karn, lightning-quick, a blade springing into his hands. *
Karn whirls with inhuman speed, raises his mighty axe- *
INT. HEADMISTRESSS STUDY - NIGHT 5 5
The Headmistresss dispassionate, violet-skinned DJINN
(genie) gives his captor a massage by firelight.
HEADMISTRESS
If I expel her, the least her
family will cut off is my funding.
But I cant have another year of *
her subverting the curriculum. The *
novices love her, those pimply
idiots.
DJINN
Does she qualify for an epic?
HEADMISTRESS
Unfortunately. Shes passed every
test, met every requirement. *
DJINN
Then perhaps give her one.
She makes a STARTLED NOISE that turns into another MOAN as
the Djinns hands work her back.
DJINN
Not an important one. A false
epic. One of no significance. If
all you wish is to be rid of her,
give her an epic that has no end.
HEADMISTRESS
A fools errand. Any old quest
going on three years qualifies.
Brilliant!
1/25/12 7.
DJINN
My mistress is too kind.
HEADMISTRESS
This dilemma, like this massage,
may just have a happy ending.
The Djinn GRUNTS with a complete lack of enthusiasm.
INT. ROYAL BALCONY - TRANSIS - DAY A5 A5 *
Karn and the Assassin trade blows. The Assassin disarms Karn *
- and Karn grabs him by the throat, lifts him off the ground. *
The Assassin - the MOUTHPIECE - LAUGHS in the haughty voice
of the WICKED QUEEN. Karn scowls anew - its them again. *
MOUTHPIECE
(WICKED QUEEN)
Not quite so quick this time
around, Karn. Youre slipping.
KARN
How many men must you break against
my crown? How many more must die?
The Mouthpiece SIGHS in a second voice, that of the bored and
foppish WICKED PRINCE.
MOUTHPIECE
(WICKED PRINCE)
Amazing. He still seems to think *
we care about our subjects. *
A deep third voice: the WICKED KING, all bluster and bombast.
MOUTHPIECE
(WICKED KING)
To throw you down, barbarian, Id
empty a continent!
(PRINCE)
Youve gotten a pretty good start
on that, grist-miller.
(KING)
Gag yourself, deviant!
(PRINCE)
Well, if you insist.
(KING)
Shut up! No price is too great to
reconquer your traitorous province
and free the daughter you seized in
heathen matrimony!
1/25/12 8.
Into frame steps QUEEN STARLING (30s), svelte and sinuous in
her fur bikini.
STARLING
Gods, would you give it a rest?
Weve been married for six years!
MOUTHPIECE
(KING)
Starling, honey, let us handle
this.
STARLING
I wish youd visit. Weve done up
a very nice guest room.
MOUTHPIECE
(QUEEN)
I told you shed turned.
(PRINCE)
Um, yeah, wouldnt you? Have you
seen that rippling slab of man
meat? I could bounce a gold piece
off that a-
KARN
Enough! Cease your petty
incursions and leave my kingdom in
peace, or Ill-!
MOUTHPIECE
(QUEEN)
Or youll do what, pretender king?
KARN
This.
Karn shakes the Mouthpiece like a rag doll. The Wicked Kings
CRY out in disoriented shock.
MOUTHPIECE
(KING)
How dare you shake your rightful
sovereigns, barbarian dog?! When
were done with you, well-!
Karn shakes the Assassin again, harder. The Kings CRY out
again. The King BURBLES.
MOUTHPIECE
(KING)
I dont feel so goo-
1/25/12 9.
The unmistakable sound of VOMITING. The Courtiers shrink
back. Karn and Starling wrinkle their noses. The Queen and
Prince CRY OUT in distaste.
MOUTHPIECE
(PRINCE)
What ungodly substance did you eat? *
(QUEEN)
Agh, theres corn in my hair! *
(PRINCE) *
Thats not corn. *
(KING)
How dare you envomit your rightful
sovereign, cur?! Why, Ill-
(PRINCE)
Oh, shut it, soup-geyser! Youve
completely lost the moment.
(QUEEN)
You win this round, Karn. But one
day, one of our assassins will get *
through. And we shall have our *
reckoning. *
KARN
And on that day, you shall meet
Justice!
Karn SNAPS the Mouthpieces neck, tosses him away. MURMURS. *
Karn looks down at the unseen crowd below the balcony. *
KARN
Justice is the name of my axe.
Silence. The Chamberlain forces a LAUGH, encourages those *
below to laugh with him. They do, in forced discomfort. *
KARN
SILENCE!
Everyone shuts up.
Wren once again sits before the Headmistress. The Djinn
sulks nearby, bored with slavery.
HEADMISTRESS
After much consideration, I have *
concluded that you are ready to
test for Bardic Mastery.
1/25/12 10.
WREN
You mean..?
The Djinn holds up an ornate scroll: the epic.
HEADMISTRESS
Your very own epic.
Wren SQUEALS with absolute glee, does a little dance.
HEADMISTRESS
Now, to graduate, you must adhere
unfailingly to the Grand Tenet.
Record the events of the saga in
exacting detail. Make no
additions. Do not editorialize!
If you break a Tenet, you will be *
stripped of your epic and expelled.
Do you understand?
WREN
I wont let you down! Well? Can I
see it?
The Headmistress nods. The Djinn hands her the scroll.
Wren breaks the seal, unrolls it, scans it with excitement.
Her enthusiasm quickly fades.
WREN
Sod.
Now its the Headmistresss turn to grin.
EXT. WILDERNESS CAMPSITE - DUSK 7 7 *
CAPTION: A Year After a Year Ago... *
A familiar looking campsite. TILT DOWN to reveal- *
PERF, black-eyed, sprawls face-down on the cold, hard ground.
He SNORTS awake to find the SWORD lying in front of him.
SWORD
Surprise, Meat-Henge!
Perf jerks upright. The Sword LAUGHS its mocking laugh.
BLACKOUT.
1/25/12 11.
EPISODE II
EXT. WILDERNESS CAMPSITE - DUSK 8 8
Perf jerks upright, his hands tied. The Sword LAUGHS at him.
PERF
No.
SWORD
Everywhere.
PERF
No, I got rid of you!
SWORD
Everywhere!
Perf sees Nara and Carrow tied back to back. Carrow CHANTS
in frustrated meditation. Nara forces her eyes open - they
were ground shut with a migraine - and glares, betrayed.
NARA
You left. Why would you leave? *
PERF
I would have come back.
NARA
And were to believe that based on *
what?
Carrows slowly-building GROWL climaxes in a SHOUT.
CARROW
Answer me!
They stare at him. Carrow pants, swallows, calms himself.
CARROW
This is a test. I am being tested.
ASSASSIN
Up.
The Assassin kicks Perf in the leg. Perf rises, finds his
hands tied. The Assassin tucks the Sword in his belt.
ASSASSIN
(off Perfs look)
Yes?
1/25/12 12.
PERF
Youre letting me carry the Sword?
Youre not afraid Ill use it?
The Assassin and the Sword share a hearty LAUGH.
SWORD
Afraid hell use it!
ASSASSIN
Stop it! Youll make me snot!
SWORD
Use it! Like a hero!
More mocking LAUGHTER. Perf shrinks. After a while, the
Assassin lets out a long SIGH.
While theyre distracted, Nara palms a jagged stone.
CAPTION: Episode II: City of the Dead
EXT. THE VOID 10 10 *
Space. Darkness absolute. Distant, disharmonious BELLS - a
swarm of chittering songbirds - sing a chaotic ANTHEM.
INT. TEMPLE OF ALL DOOMS - DAY (ALREADY SHOT) A10 A10
QUICK CUT: In distorted flashes of color, Perf touches
the hilt of the Sword of Fighting.
(A deep, resonant BONG,
that of a massive BELL
striking.)
EXT WOODS - DAY (ALREADY SHOT) B10 B10
QUICK CUT: Wren looks up from the Orcsign, worried.
(BONG. Another BELLs
peal joins the first.)
1/25/12 13.
INT. THRONE ROOM - DAY C10 C10
QUICK CUT: Karn on his throne, glowering intently.
(BONG. Yet another BELL
creates a chord.)
EXT. WOODS - DAY (ALREADY SHOT) D10 D10
QUICK CUT: Carrows undead eyes open for the first time.
(BONG. A discordant BELL
turns the chord minor.)
EXT. SUMBRE - DAY FOR NIGHT E10 E10
QUICK CUT: Death looks directly at us.
(BONG. The final low BELL
leaves the chord
unresolved.)
INT. BEDCHAMBER - NIGHT 11 11
The Headmistress snaps awake in bed, her breathing rapid.
The Djinn, lying awake beside her, shows no concern.
HEADMISTRESS
The Dream Bells...
DJINN
Trouble sleeping, mistress?
EXT. FOOTHILLS OUTSIDE SUMBRE - DAY 12 12
The next day. The Assassin drags the exhausted companions
behind her. Perf looks towards mountains in the distance.
PERF
This isnt the way we came.
ASSASSIN
You went around the mountains. I
dont have that time.
CARROW
This route goes towards Sumbre.
1/25/12 14.
ASSASSIN
Wrong. Goes through Sumbre.
The companions jerk to a horrified stop.
PERF
Through Sumbre?
ASSASSIN
It is the most direct route.
PERF
Its the City of the Dead!
ASSASSIN
Which makes it unlikely anyone will *
follow us.
PERF
The City of the Dead! So called
due to its rather high population
of the dead!
ASSASSIN
You have something on your face.
PERF
(beat)
Youre going to kick me, arent
you?
She kicks him in the face. Perf hits the ground - and lands
right in the eyeline of Wren, hiding behind a rock a way off.
Wren and Perf see each other. Wren darts out of sight.
PERF
Hey. Hey, theres someone there!
ASSASSIN
Just now noticing. Sharp as a
pillow, you lot
PERF
Hey, you! Help! Help us!
Behind the rock, Wren shrugs impotently.
WREN
(to herself)
Sorry. I cant.
1/25/12 15.
PERF
Help us, please!
WREN
(mouthing silently)
I cant!
SWORD
Thats some advanced cowardry right
there. Well whimpered.
Nara slices through her bonds with the jagged rock, springs
for the Assassin - who flings another dart into her neck.
ASSASSIN
Close. Quite close. Points for
effort. Ill take that.
She takes Naras jagged rock. Nara sinks to the ground.
NARA
I really dont like you.
ASSASSIN
But you do like cats.
NARA
(drugged)
Oh, theyre so cute. Id love to
glue like twenty of them together.
ASSASSIN
You want to live? Do exactly what
I say. Dont? The dead will kill
you before I do.
The Assassin jerks Perf and Carrow forward. Nara follows.
The Headmistress and her AUGUR pour over a series of esoteric
writings and star charts on her desk. The Djinn broods.
HEADMISTRESS
You are absolutely certain?
AUGUR
Beyond a doubt. The supertonic and
mediant rang clear and unwavering.
Above them sounded the imperial
anthem of fallen Archaiad.
1/25/12 16.
(MORE)
It can be nothing else. The Sword
of Fighting has been drawn.
HEADMISTRESS
Gods and heroes.
AUGUR
You must dispatch a bard at once!
DJINN
The epic has already been assigned.
AUGUR
To whom? Who do we have on it?
DJINN
Silver Tom, Headmistress.
A dashing and slightly disheveled young man in a black silk
shirt slides suddenly into the door frame: SILVER TOM.
SILVER TOM
Felicitations!
HEADMISTRESS
Tom, hello. Thank you for coming.
I dont exactly know where to
begin, other than to say we are in
the midst of a truly monumental...
where are your pants?
Toms unlaced shirt hangs to his bare legs. Red lipstick
marks run up and down his neck and chest.
SILVER TOM
A mystery! I didnt actually see
in which direction she threw them,
as I was rather distracted at the
moment of their departure.
They just blink at him.
SILVER TOM
Yes, context. One of your highly
talented and I must say most eye-
anchoringly gorgeous young
undergraduates, a sprightly maid
with flaxen curls of buttered corn
an stormy eyes that could drown a
man in their depths - I didnt
actually get her name - requested
of me what well call a private
tutoring session.
1/25/12 17.
AUGUR (cont'd)
(MORE)
And as you did ask me to take a
more active hand with the students,
well, I had to oblige. Ah!
Apples.
He snatches an apple off platter on her desk, plops down in a
chair, takes a merry bite. The Augur flushes.
AUGUR
I... have entrails to read.
She makes to go. Tom winks at her. She reddens, heads out.
HEADMISTRESS
Private tutoring session?
SILVER TOM
A lot of raw talent there. Simply
amazing range. And breath control.
I got a standing ovation.
HEADMISTRESS
Tom-
SILVER TOM
Which inevitably led to an encore.
That was a bit more up tempo than I
was expecting, and wound up
attracting her roommates-
HEADMISTRESS
Tom-
SILVER TOM
It became an ensemble piece. And
then your herald arrived and
commanded me to come at once. So!
To what do I owe the summons?
HEADMISTRESS
Well-
SILVER TOM
Because if its another dull birth
of a hero or a funeral for some
foreign potentate, Im not
interested. And no unconfirmed
prophecies. I dont work on spec.
She hands Tom the Augurs notes. Tom peruses them, humoring
her - and abruptly freezes. Sits bolt upright.
SILVER TOM
You must give me this epic.
1/25/12 18.
SILVER TOM (cont'd)
HEADMISTRESS
I would love to.
SILVER TOM
Would? Why the conditional?
EXT. RUINS OF SUMBRE - DAY FOR NIGHT 16 16
Preternatural darkness blankets the ruins of a dead city.
Perf and Carrow, bound, hustle through the ruins, dragging
the drugged Nara with them. ZOMBIES shamble after them,
MOANING. The Assassin is nowhere to be seen.
PERF
This is precisely the sort of thing
I was talking about! Precisely!
NARA
Those girls are too skinny. They
should eat something.
CARROW
Theyre welcome to eat our guide. *
Who is where, by the way? Did she *
forsake us as well? *
PERF
Who cares? Do something!
CARROW
Oh, and what something should I do,
exactly? Moan at them? Trick them
with some cunning subterfuge?
(to the Zombies)
Its all right, everyone, theyre
with me.
PERF
Youre still a cleric! Do
something holy!
Perf conjures milk at the nearest Zombie, with zero effect.
CARROW
Oh, the milk spell. What a
surprise that didnt work.
PERF
At least Im trying!
1/25/12 19.
CARROW
Have you tried your magic rock?
SWORD
Here, let me help!
The Sword swings in its scabbard and CRACKS its pommel into
Perfs crotch. Perf falls to his knees with a WHIMPER.
SWORD
Meal time, zombies! I hope you
like the taste of weak!
NARA
(pouty)
My sword doesnt talk.
The Assassin alights silently on the ground beside Perf.
ASSASSIN
Five minutes. I leave for five
sodding minutes. This way.
The Zombies shamble closer. Carrow narrows his eyes.
CARROW
Bounty hunter! Cut me loose.
ASSASSIN
Choke on a horse.
CARROW
I can turn them, you fool! Free me!
The Assassin considers. She swiftly slices through his
bonds. Carrow grabs his holy symbol - which burns a startled
SCREAM out of him. He gapes at it, betrayed.
PERF
Stop not doing anything!
His hand steaming, Carrow thrusts his holy symbol aloft
CARROW
Hear me, abominations! You are
obscenities in the eyes of Vieris,
God of Mercy and Lord of Light. In
His name, I command you, BEGONE!
The symbol flares like a beacon in Carrows hand.
The Zombies low MOANS become slow SCREAMS.
1/25/12 20.
Carrow turns towards the holy symbol and SCREAMS in terror.
The Zombies turn and shamble away from the light.
Carrow drops the holy symbol and flees through the Zombies,
knocking the slower ones aside.
Nara and Perf watch him flee. The Assassin SNORTS a laugh.
ASSASSIN
Now that was special. I dont
think he expected that to happen.
Another wave of Zombies approach to fill the gap, a near
solid wall of them. The Assassins smile fades.
BLACKOUT.
1/25/12 21.
EPISODE III
INT. MEETING ROOM - TEMPLE OF ALL DOOMS - DAY 17 17
A group of ORCS, TROLLS, and other MONSTERS sit in a circle
of chairs. PUTREK, a scarred Orc, struggles to speak.
PUTREK
<It was a raid. Like any other.
Rush in, grab the stuff, burn the
huts. Stab anything that gets in
your way. You know?>
Knowing nods and GRUNTS of approval.
PUTREK
<So Im going about my business,
stabbing and burning... and I come
across this dead goat. Stupid dead
goat with a spear through its neck.
And it just hits me all at once...
Whats the point? We raid them,
they raid us, when does it end? It
doesnt. It just feeds itself.>
TROLL
<Tell it, brother.>
PUTREK
<And that was it for me. I was
ready to admit I had a problem. I
hung up my axe. Havent touched it
since. That was nine years ago.>
APPLAUSE. The Troll CLAPS Putreck on the shoulder.
COUNSELOR
<Lets all thank Putrek for sharing. *
Evil is not a life sentence.> *
TROLL
<Amen!> *
COUNSELOR
<We are free, truly free, to *
determine our fate. Too many of us
are trapped by tradition into
thinking violence is their only
option. But lets be clear,
morality is not predetermined. We
cannot choose our heritage, but we
can choose our behavior.> *
1/25/12 22.
GLORION kicks open the door.
GLORION
Die, evil races!
He stabs the Troll, LAUGHING in an insane blood frenzy, and
proceeds to kill everything in the room (off screen).
RODERICK steps in, watches the carnage in horror. When its
over, Glorion, gore-bedecked, leans solemnly on his sword.
GLORION
On this day, Honor has been gloried.
RODERICK
That was the single bravest, most
heroic thing Ive ever witnessed.
GLORION
Indeed it was, my observant little
friend! I say, would you care to
accompany me on my travels?
RODERICK
Hell, yes.
GLORION
You need a name, my little ally! I
think Ill call you Roderick!
RODERICK
I love that name.
GLORION
Huzzah!
He throws Roderick the dead Counselors cloak. *
GLORION *
Come along, Roderick!
RODERICK
Youre the nicest man Ive ever
met.
GLORION
My heartfelt thanks!
1/25/12 23.
CAPTION: Episode III: Mewling Monkey Talk
The Assassin and Perf - dragging Nara - flee a Zombie horde.
PERF
Carrow? Damn it to pieces, Carrow!
Carrows nowhere to be seen. They turn a corner, keep going - *
and trip over a rough patch of earth. All three tumble. *
Perf flops, rolls. Pops up. Looks back. *
A mob of ZOMBIES holds down the swearing Assassin. Nara, *
drugged, rolls into a sitting position. *
Perf looks the other way. He has a clear path to the woods. *
He looks back, sees Nara LAUGHING at approaching Zombies. *
Perf looks back to the sanctuary of the woods. *
SWORD *
Go on. Twinkle off, you sissy. *
Perf takes a deep breath, runs for Nara- *
SWORD *
Oh, boo! Boo! Hiss! *
-rips her out of the grasp of the Zombie Hands- *
NARA *
I never drink this much, I swear. *
-and dashes for the woods. The Assassin slides before him, *
wiping her blade clean of black, gunky blood. *
ASSASSIN *
You should have run. *
She seizes Perf by the collar. *
OMITTED 20 20 *
1/25/12 24.
EXT. MAUSOLEUM - RUINS OF SUMBRE - DAY FOR NIGHT 21 21 *
The Assassin drags/leads Perf and Nara to a massive mausoleum.
She hustles them in, SLAMS the door shut.
A mass of Zombies paws and claws at the door behind them.
INT. MAUSOLEUM - NIGHT 22 22
Random bones litter the inside of the mausoleum. The
Assassin slides a lock bar in place on the door.
NARA
Will Carrow be joining us?
PERF
I think hell be fine. The dead
wouldnt be interested in him.
ASSASSIN
Quiet.
She points down a long stone corridor. There, in the
distance, a flicker of light dances around a corner.
PERF
Maybe its a way out.
NARA
Maybe its more undead!
ASSASSIN
Maybe I just said quiet.
She draws her sword, slinks forward silently. Then she
stops, cuts Perfs bonds, and prods him forward instead.
ASSASSIN
You first.
SWORD
See? That right there? Thats why
I like her.
Perf swallows, draws the Sword, and inches around the corner.
INT. STRONG LIKE BULLS WORKSITE - MAUSOLEUM - DAY FOR NIGHT 23 23
A lantern on the floor illuminates STRONG LIKE BULL, a sturdy
bespectacled Orc.
1/25/12 25.
Hes studying runes carved onto a wall and is jotting notes
down in a journal. Scattered all about him are papers,
books... and lemons. For some reason.
INT. MAUSOLEUM - DAY FOR NIGHT 24 24
Perf ducks back around the corner, WHISPERS:
PERF
An Orc. With glasses. Hes alone.
ASSASSIN
Great. Go stab him.
PERF
Ah. I dont really feel up to-
The Sword puts itself to Perfs throat and SHOUTS:
SWORD
I do! Lets kill me some ORC!
PERF
So much for the element of surprise.
NARA
(whispering)
Perf! Hey, Perf!
She leans in conspiratorially.
NARA
I really do like honeysuckle.
The Assassin rips off Naras head-wrap and throws it in the
corner. Nara looks ready to cry.
INT. STRONG LIKE BULLS WORKSITE - MAUSOLEUM - DAY FOR NIGHT 25 25
The Sword to his own throat, Perf rounds the corner. Strong
Like Bull is waiting there with a loaded crossbow.
PERF
<Hi. There. How are you? Lets
not do anything too hasty.>
SWORD
<Your father sucks dwarves in Hell!
Dwarf Hell!>
Perf uncorks a wild PANIC LAUGH.
1/25/12 26.
PERF
Whoa! Hey! Shut up!
Strong aims the crossbow at Perf.
Out of nowhere, the Assassin kicks Strong in the face. He
collapses amid his tools by the rune-covered wall.
Strong Like Bull leaps up, unfurls a scroll.
PERF
Hes got a scroll!
Perf does an awesome dive out of the way.
Strong starts CHANTING. The scroll glows.
STRONG LIKE BULL
Hu-laa ma-ahaaku-
The Assassin slices through the scroll with her sword.
Sparkles of fizzling magical energy dance in the air. She
drops Strong to the ground with a sweep-kick, raises her
sword for a killing blow, swings-
-and Nara blocks her blade with a dusty femur. The Assassin
blinks at Nara over their locked weapons. Nara grins.
ASSASSIN
The excuse youre about to offer
had better be astoundingly good.
NARA
I cant feel a breeze!
ASSASSIN
Not good enough.
She twists her blade. Nara locks it again with the bone.
NARA
The way we came in was locked from
the outside. Neep. Which means he
got in here some other way. I
cant feel a breeze, so we might
need him to show us that other way
out. Neep.
The Assassin turns her blade, shearing the bone in half.
ASSASSIN
And I can always feed him to the
ghouls.
1/25/12 27.
Perf climbs up, sheathes the Sword, dusts himself off.
ASSASSIN
Youre their translator, hey?
Translate, word-bag.
PERF
<Hail, Orc. We need you to show us
the way->
STRONG LIKE BULL

And I can speak your mewling monkey-
talk of a language.
PERF
Well. That certainly simplifies
things. So glad I could be useful.
STRONG LIKE BULL
(RE: Nara)
Whats wrong with her? Was she
huffing pots?
CUTAWAY: Nara finds a cobweb hilarious.
NARA
(laughing)
Its sticky!
PERF
No, shes just drugged.
Strong Like Bull appraises the Assassin, figures out the
prisoner and captor situation.
STRONG LIKE BULL
Any objections to me bringing my
gear? I dont want the rats
chewing on it.
The Assassin shrugs her indifference.
Strong ducks down and grabs a stack of parchments, a quill,
the lantern... and a bag of lemons. For some reason.
Young BARDIC STUDENTS, male and female, dress Tom in his
traveling garb. Toms pants have been reinstated.
1/25/12 28.
SILVER TOM
So, to recap - and I want to make
sure I have this absolutely sorted -
you gave the most important epic in
history to a warbling hack.
A bardic LASS cinches his belt with emphasis.
HEADMISTRESS
The augurs foretell a hundred false
Swordquests a year! Im supposed
to guess one of those is genuine
and fish it out of the stack?
Toms arms are thrust out. The Lass and a LAD tie his cuffs.
SILVER TOM
Yes, that does fall squarely in *
your purview.
The Lad slings a bandolier of potions over Toms head.
HEADMISTRESS
Its out of our hands. The epics
in progress, has been for a year!
SILVER TOM
Which means Ive already missed who
knows how many acts. Ill have to
reconstruct the entire setup.
Tom swings the bandolier into place, action hero style.
HEADMISTRESS
That should all be in her notes.
She always did take good notes.
SILVER TOM
Which I cant take from her unless
she elects to give them to me-
HEADMISTRESS
-unlikely-
SILVER TOM
-or I catch her in an infraction.
HEADMISTRESS
Shouldnt be hard. Her records
spottier than a dyspeptic hyena.
Everyone pauses to regard her with disappointment.
1/25/12 29.
HEADMISTRESS
Im sorry. Im under a lot of
pressure and I dont have time to
vet every simile.
The Lad clasps Toms cloak. The Lad and Lass each present
Tom with a pair of stylish hats.
SILVER TOM
Black, silver trim. Jaunty angle.
The Lass angles the hat on his head. Lad holds up a mirror.
SILVER TOM
Jaunty, not rakish!
She adjusts it.
HEADMISTRESS
Ive summoned the wizards. Theyll *
teleport you shortly. *
SILVER TOM
No, no wizards.
(off her startled look)
Too imprecise. We know neither her
nor her partys location. Its the
Afterlands! A million square miles
of ruins and wilderness emptier
than a bankers heart.
Appreciative GASPS and golf claps from the Students.
LASS
Thats how you do a simile.
Distressed, the Headmistress sinks into her chair.
HEADMISTRESS
Gods. She could be anywhere.
Anywhere! How will we find her?
SILVER TOM
The answers right behind you.
Puzzled, she looks behind her, sees the Djinn.
SILVER TOM
You have a single wish left, I
believe?
Silence. Headmistress pales. Hope dawns in Djinns eyes.
1/25/12 30.
HEADMISTRESS
Oh, but... no, you see-
SILVER TOM
Most important epic in history.
HEADMISTRESS
Yes, but I was saving that-
SILVER TOM
Which you mis-assigned.
HEADMISTRESS
But its MINE!
SILVER TOM
And future generations will know of
your sacrifice. In fact, I predict
theyll be so moved by how you
spent your last wish that no one
will remember the first.
The Headmistress darkens.
HEADMISTRESS
Out. All of you.
The Students scram. Once theyve gone:
HEADMISTRESS
I want an entire arc dedicated to my
selflessness. A tear-jerking heart-
wrencher with bookending acts.
SILVER TOM
Ill give you a framing chapter
with occasional asides.
HEADMISTRESS
Of multiple verses. *
SILVER TOM
Two stanzas per. *
HEADMISTRESS
Fine! But I get my own distinct
rhyme scheme!
SILVER TOM
Done!
DJINN
Gods be praised!
1/25/12 31.
The Headmistress glares at the Djinn.
SILVER TOM
Now. Wish me by the side of the
person she spoke to last.
EXT. THE WOODS - DAY 27 27
RILK broods, his chin on his fists. After a silent while:
RILK
<Thats because I didnt give it
to you. Well done. Very smooth.
Smart, Orc.>
He lets out a long SIGH.
EXT. ORC CAMP - THE WOODS - DAY 28 28
GRELNOK stirs a soup pot. YART drops herbs in it.
GRELNOK
<Think well go into the Temple?>
YART
<That isnt up to us. But I
certainly hope not.>
(beat)
<So are we going to talk about it?>
GRELNOK
<No. Why would we talk? You
always want to talk.>
Rilk tromps down to join them.
GRELNOK
<Whats the plan, Sergeant?>
RILK
<The plan hasnt changed.>
He grabs some chow. Grelnok and Yart exchange glances.
YART
<Is that wise? So late in the
season, without Kurn->
1/25/12 32.
RILK
<Kurns dead. Lets focus on the
mission, and not let anything else
distract us.>
In a thunderous blinding CRACK, Silver Tom appears. He waves
away the smoke, notes the startled Orcs staring at him.
YART
<That keeps happening.>
BLACKOUT.
1/25/12 33.
EPISODE IV
INT. AUDIENCE CHAMBER - TRANSIS 29 29 *
Karn broods on his throne. Starling lies prostrate before
him on a plush carpet in a Frazetta-esque pose.
Karn looks down to his wife. *
KARN
Are you sure you wouldnt prefer a
throne?
STARLING
No, this is good.
KARN
Its demeaning.
STARLING
Its necessary. They expect to see *
conqueror, Karn. You must look the
part. Besides, you know how I love
the feel of fur on my skin.
Karn emits a single low CHUCKLE.
KARN
That you do.
STARLING
Assassin.
Karn grabs the Assassin who just popped up and nonchalantly *
crushes his head against the armrest as Chamberlain enters. *
CHAMBERLAIN *
Majesties. Petitioners bearing *
tribute await your pleasure. Shall *
I convene the court? *
Karn SIGHS, nods - and scowls up at the Chamberlain. *
KARN *
Why arent you in uniform?
The Chamberlain struggles to maintain his smile, fails.
CHAMBERLAIN
Noble Karn-
1/25/12 34.
KARN
UNIFORM!
INT. AUDIENCE CHAMBER - TRANSIS - LATER - DAY 30 30 *
The Chamberlain - dressed in fur boots and loincloth and his
chain of office - reads from a list beside Karns throne.
CHAMBERLAIN
Lord Horkorian of Portext.
HORKORIAN, a regally dressed noble, gestures to a chest full
of gold and jewels borne by two SERVANTS. He bows fawningly.
HORKORIAN
Great Karn, in tribute I offer you
treasures of distant Hua-Xiang to
shower upon your glorious queen.
KARN
(to Chamberlain)
Use it to rebuild the bridge over
the Graywater. Its crumbling. *
The Chamberlain nods, continues down his list.
CHAMBERLAIN
The Merchant Prince Waverlax.
WAVERLAX, another noble, presents three pretty young WOMEN.
WAVERLAX
Mighty Karn! To satisfy your
heathen barbarian cravings, I offer
my three virgin daughters.
He CHUCKLES lasciviously. The Women look terrified.
KARN
Put them to work in the library.
Chamberlain nods. He blinks at the next name on the list.
CHAMBERLAIN
A... monk.
The SEER throws back his robes hood. An ornate Egyptian-
esque tattoo blossoms across his cheek from his left eye.
SEER
A seer, great Karn! Of the
Brotherhood of the Watchful Eye.
1/25/12 35.
CHAMBERLAIN
What tribute do you bring the king? *
SEER
Nothing so base as these meager
trinkets. No, I offer something
His Majesty actually wants.
CHAMBERLAIN
And that would be what? *
SEER
Revenge.
(to Karn)
Against Him who shackled you.
He gestures to the broken manacles at Karns wrists. Karn
rises, no longer bored.
CAPTION: Episode IV: Spry Little Bugger
EXT. ORC CAMP - DAY 32 32
Grelnok hefts an axe, BELLOWS a war cry.
GRELNOK
Warag!
Tom nonchalantly flashes his bard badge.
SILVER TOM
<Bardic immunity.>
Grelnok SLAMS his axe into a nearby stump in frustration.
GRELNOK
<Oh, come on! Is every humie a
bard now? Im never gonna finish
my ear necklace.>
He sulks. Yart consoles him.
RILK
<Another bard? How many of you are
there?>
1/25/12 36.
SILVER TOM
Ah, so there was another bard here? *
RILK
Quet?
SILVER TOM
<Another bard here before I was?>
RILK
<Yes, she was just here. Is she *
alright? Is something wrong?> *
SILVER TOM
She was here! Brilliant! And where *
did she away, my verdant friend? *
Rilk waves an I dont understand at him. *
SILVER TOM
My Orcish is a bit rusty. Dont *
get much call for it, Im afraid. *
RILK
Quet?
SILVER TOM
<My Orc isnt good.>
GRELNOK
(beat)
<He has an Ork?>
SILVER TOM
You know what? One second.
Tom pulls a yellow Tongues potion out of his bandolier. He *
uncorks the potion, offers it to Rilk.
SILVER TOM
Would you mind? Writing in one
language while speaking and hearing
another... it can drive a man mad.
(off Rilks blank look) *
<Hard with tongue to write, one
other to speak.>
RILK
<Here, why dont you give me that?>
Rilk quaffs the potion, exhales yellow mist from his
nostrils. Tom whips out a pen and notebook.
1/25/12 37.
RILK
So does this start to work right
away or... whoa, listen to that.
SILVER TOM
Its something, isnt it? Now, I *
have a few questions regarding a
certain balladeer-
GRELNOK
<Wow, you sound just like one!>
YART
<Go on. Say something human!>
RILK
What?
GRELNOK
<Oh, yes, you have to!>
RILK
Oh, all right. Look at me, Im a *
fat pasty humie! I have no sense
of smell. Lets all eat a cow!
Grelnok LAUGHS. Yart looks disturbed.
GRELNOK
<Thats hilarious!>
YART
<Thats really unsettling.>
SILVER TOM
How droll. So what I need to know- *
RILK
I love cheese and religion! Our
laws will keep us safe!
Grelnok LAUGHS. He elbows Yart, who CHUCKLES.
SILVER TOM
Yes, we certainly are a ridiculous
species. If we could focus? That
pot will burn through your system in-
GRELNOK
<Oo! Plead for mercy!>
YART
<Yes, I must hear that!>
1/25/12 38.
RILK
Dont kill me! I live in an *
indefensible village and have no
martial training!
The Orcs LAUGH. Tom closes his notebook with a SIGH.
INT. EMPTY ROOM - TEMPLE OF ALL DOOMS - DAY 33 33
Glorion kicks open a door, exploding it off its hinges.
RODERICK
Subtle.
Glorion treads into an empty room. Roderick grins wickedly.
GLORION
You smile, my pebbly midget. Do
you know something I dont?
RODERICK
Oh, no. Everyone survives this
room.
GLORION
Ah, I shant worry, then.
The Watcher LAUGHS, dark and low.
WATCHER (V.O.)
Mighty are you, warrior, mighty and
fierce. But have you the strength
to overcome a challenge that
comes... from within?
Light shimmers in the center of the room. Two figures
coalesce there: a woman and a boy.
Glorion squints at the figures, straightens in shock.
GLORION
No. It couldnt be... *
RODERICK
No. It couldnt.
GLORION
Matron Gan?
The MATRON shakes the boy - YOUNG GLORION (7) - by the ear.
1/25/12 39.
YOUNG GLORION
But I wanted to see the knights!
MATRON
And what would a knight ever want
with some worthless orphan rat?
YOUNG GLORION
My father was a knight! Theyll
take me to see him! They will!
MATRON
What lies your mother told. Back
to the pots with you, whoreson!
She throws him to the ground.
Glorion drops to his knees in front of the ghostly boy.
Teary-eyed, Young Glorion looks up, looking past Glorion at
something only he can see.
YOUNG GLORION
Youll see. Some day Ill be a
great knight. The greatest knight
ever! And Ill find my father and
hell love me and youll never get
to be mean to me again! Ill show
you. Ill show you all.
Glorion, moved, reaches to touch the boys face.
WATCHER (V.O.)
And did you, warrior? Did you find
your father? Did you become a
great hero?
Young Glorion suddenly looks Glorion in the face.
YOUNG GLORION
I never find him? Im not a
knight?
WATCHER (V.O.)
He knows what youve done. All the
terrible things.
YOUNG GLORION
No! You cant be me! Id never do
that! Im gonna be a hero!
1/25/12 40.
WATCHER (V.O.)
Tell him, warrior. Tell him how
youve failed in every conceivable
way. Tell him.
YOUNG GLORION
Tell me!
RODERICK
Dont tell him!
(mutters a curse)
GLORION
I ... I ...
Glorion swallows, leans towards Young Glorions ear.
GLORION
... I would aim for the knee.
Shell fall like an oak.
Young Glorion blinks. Glorion offers him the hilt of his
sword. Young Glorions face splits in a smile.
The boy hefts the sword, BELLOWS-
YOUNG GLORION
For honor!
-and charges the Matron, who SHRIEKS in alarm.
Glorion LAUGHS, straightens, claps a horrified Roderick on
the shoulder. (The carnage happens off screen.)
GLORION
Well, would you look at him go!
Spry little bugger, isnt he?
(to younger self)
Dont neglect the limbs! An
exposed joint is an invitation.
Theres a good lad.
(to Roderick)
He learns quickly. Hell go far,
this one. My, what a refreshing
interlude! Ah, well, must press on.
(to younger self)
And what do we say, lad?
Young Glorion, covered in a truly unnecessary amount blood,
hefts the bloody sword skyward.
YOUNG GLORION
Onward!
1/25/12 41.
He vanishes in a puff of smoke. The sword CLATTERS down.
INT. THRONE ROOM - TRANSIS A33 A33
Karn stares intently down at the Seer.
KARN
What you offer is impossible.
SEER
Know ye, oh prince, that two nights *
ago the Dream Bell pealed in the
Realms Beyond. The Sword of
Fighting has been found.
KARN
And whats that to me?
SEER
It spells the doom of the Wicked *
Kings! Even know, it is carried
across the Afterlands in the hands *
of a weak custodian. Come, Karn, *
King by his own hand! Relive your *
days of high adventure! Depart at *
once and claim your destiny! *
KARN
Depart?
SEER
Well... you cant really expect to *
find a magic sword without leaving
the kingdom, can you?
He looks around. Horkorian and Waverlax MUTTER clandestinely. *
Starling looks terrified. Karns face hardens.
KARN
You would lead me away with false
promises and deceit?
SEER
Great king?
KARN
Damn your liars tongue! Go now,
or face Justice! *
CHAMBERLAIN
Justice would be his axe. *
1/25/12 42.
Karn hefts Justice.
CHAMBERLAIN
Yes, thats the one. *
Startled, the Seer beats an obsequious, fawning retreat.
Karn glares after him, a glare that turns remorseful.
STARLING
Thank you.
(beat)
Assassin.
Karn flings Justice towards the ceiling. WHUNK. A SCREAM.
A dead Assassin falls to the floor, Justice in chest.
OMITTED 34 34
INT. THE DEPTHS - MAUSOLEUM - NIGHT 35 35
Strong Like Bull leads Perf, Nara, and the Assassin into a
dark stretch of the mausoleum thick with bones and debris.
PERF
Quite a lot of bones about.
ASSASSIN
Well? Feel your breeze yet?
Nara nods excitedly.
ASSASSIN
Sodding elves and your senses.
PERF
Is anyone else concerned about the
sheer number of bones about?
ASSASSIN
Its a mausoleum. Of course there
are bones about.
STRONG LIKE BULL
Your exit is up ahead.
Strong quietly drops a ring of lemons around himself.
Nara steps forward. She SNIFFS the air, almost gags.
1/25/12 43.
PERF
Whats that smell?
STRONG LIKE BULL
That? That would be the Corpse
Worm.
PERF
Im sorry, the what?
Deafening insectoid CHITTERING. Everyone but the Orc whirls.
MONSTER POV: Some unseen horror -- its massive mandibles and
antennae poking into the frame -- rises up in the tunnel.
PERF
Ah. That.
BLACKOUT.
1/25/12 44.
EPISODE V *
EXT. EDGE OF SUMBRE - DAY FOR NIGHT A35 A35
Wren hovers at the edge of the ruins of Sumbre. She looks
down at the ruins and the Zombies therein with unease.
WREN
Nothing to be afraid of. Nothing
at all. Only endless hordes of
mindless gibbering automatons. *
Just like being at court. Hehe,
zing. Im writing that down.
She pulls a green potion out of her satchel: Veil of Death.
She uncorks it, waves away the green mist, drinks it.
Wren suddenly looks undead -- gray and white skinned, with
rotting patches. She feels for her pulse, gets none. She
holds her skeletal hand up before her skeletal face.
WREN
Creepy.
Wren lets out a deep breath, heads for the ruins - revealing
Silver Tom a ways behind her, watching silently.
INT. THE DEPTHS - MAUSOLUEM - NIGHT 36 36
The Corpse Worm SHRIEKS, shaking the frame with its violence.
ASSASSIN
Sod this, theyre not paying me
enough.
She hurls down a smoke pellet and vanishes.
Perf draws the Sword. Strong Like Bull, standing in his ring
of lemons, starts in alarm when he sees the blade.
STRONG LIKE BULL
<Do my eyes deceive me?>
PERF
You wanna kill something, Sword?
Kill that!
The Sword force-sheathes itself, windmilling back into the
scabbard. Perf tries to draw it again but cant.
1/25/12 45.
PERF
Oh, you bastard bit of cutlery!
SWORD
Hey, worm! If you eat him and the
elf, youll barely taste the suck!
STRONG LIKE BULL
<The Sword of Fighting? But that
would mean...>
The Corpse Worms mandibles close around Nara and yank her
out of frame.
PERF
Nara!
Perf rips his spell book open to a spell: Thundershock. He
starts casting. The runes dance before his eyes.
A CRACK. A monstrous SQUEAL. Nara lands in a heap,
clutching the mandible she just ripped off the Corpse Worm.
A bolt of lightning shoots out of Perfs hand into the
nearest lemon, then arcs to every other lemon in a chain.
The lemons all explode, spraying juice everywhere.
MONSTER POV: Lemon-juiced and missing one mandible, the
Corpse Worm SHRIEKS, turns, and flees.
STRONG LIKE BULL
<Retrocasting?!>
Nara, looking completely lucid despite being soaked in lemon
juice, pulls Perf arm down the tunnel the Worm came from.
STRONG LIKE BULL
Wait! I have questions!
CAPTION: Episode V: Mindless Gibbering Automatons *
INT. DUNGEON HALL - TEMPLE OF ALL DOOMS - NIGHT 38 38
Glorion reaches for the handle of a torch-lit door. Roderick
catches his wrist
1/25/12 46.
RODERICK
You should go into this room!
GLORION
That was my intent.
RODERICK
But it will benefit both of us!
GLORION
Then whence this delay? You really
are the most bizarre individual.
Glorion enters. Roderick strangles a scream and follows.
INT. SHADOWY ROOM - TEMPLE OF ALL DOOMS - NIGHT 39 39
Shadows play about the curtains hanging on the otherwise bare
dungeon room's walls. The light is very dim.
WATCHER (V.O.)
So eager are you to meet your doom?
GLORION
What foe awaits honorable
destruction in this dark chamber?
WATCHER (V.O.)
Foolish bravo. You should have
listened to the gargoyle.
GLORION
I did. Just now. I dont know
what demonstration of virility
youre watching.
WATCHER (V.O.)
I... truly? He still doesnt get it?
RODERICK
Yep.
WATCHER (V.O.)
I, I... need to sit down. Warlock,
destroy him.
A figure coalesces from the shadows: the WHISPERING WARLOCK.
WHISPERING WARLOCK
I am the Whispering Warlock.
1/25/12 47.
GLORION
Ah, there you are. I knew thered
be an evildoer doing evil in here.
WHISPERING WARLOCK
You would be wise to fear my curse.
GLORION
Bravery favors the brave!
Glorion stabs him. His sword passes through the Warlock as
though he was a ghost. The Warlock grins.
GLORION
Hm, youre slightly less dead than
I was expecting.
WHISPERING WARLOCK
You rely too heavily on your sword,
warrior. Where would you be without
the skilled hands to wield it?
GLORION
Save your riddles for the literate!
Glorions stabs through him again. The Warlock raises a hand.
WHISPERING WARLOCK
I curse your soul to find new
purchase!
The Warlocks eyes FLARE with magic.
RODERICK
Im so glad this is-
GLORION
(Rodericks mannerisms)
-happening.
Roderick and Glorion, near panic, gape at one another through
each others eyes. Theyve switched bodies.
RODERICK
(Glorions mannerisms)
What? What is this? How have
these effeminate claws replaced my
mighty hands? Where is my sword?
Roderick looks at Glorion trapped in his body. Glorion
awkwardly holds out his sword.
1/25/12 48.
RODERICK
Youve taken my sword. And my
armor. And my face!
GLORION
I didnt warn you about this room!
RODERICK
This is no time to state the
obvious, Roderick!
The Watcher LAUGHS his recurring laugh.
INT. TAVERN - TRANSIS - NIGHT 40 40
In the corner, the drunken Seer argues with the BARTENDER.
BARTENDER
No money, no wine.
SEER
I am a seer! An orator of the
unknown! The mysteries of the
universe spread themselves out
before me like a maid on her
wedding night. Wouldnt you rather
know your future?
BARTENDER
I know my future. It involves
payment or a severe chair beating.
A pouch of coins CLATTERS on the table. They look up at who
is obviously Karn, poorly disguised with a thin cloak and a
scarf around his face. The Bartender scoops up the coins.
BARTENDER
Thank you, Majesty.
KARN
Im not the king.
(to Seer)
Greetings, stranger. Was it you
who spoke in the court of the Karn? *
SEER
Greetings, great king. *
KARN
Im not the king, I said. I am but
a simple yeoman.
1/25/12 49.
SEER
Oh, come off it, Your Majesty.
Youre a yard taller than anyone in
the kingdom and broader across than *
a galley. Who else could you be?
KARN
You are mistaken. I am not the-
SEER
Even the drunks know its you.
He gestures to a pair of DRUNKS, who knuckle their brows.
FIRST DRUNK
Your Majesty.
SECOND DRUNK
Evening, Majesty.
The First Drunk passes out face down, sending the Second
Drunk into a GIGGLE fit.
Annoyed, Karn rips off his disguise.
KARN
Very well, you keen-eyed jackal, it
is I, Karn! Youve seen through my
disguise!
SEER
Well, seer. To what do I owe the
pleasure?
Karn slides onto a stool.
KARN
The sword you mentioned... I would
hear more of it. It can throw down
the Kings, you say?
SEER
It is a major piece on the board of
fate. A magnet that pulls all
destinies towards it.
Karn grabs the Seer, pulls them face to face.
KARN
Damn your riddles! Speak plainly!
1/25/12 50.
SEER
It can slay the Wicked Kings! I *
thought I made that clear! *
Karn releases the Seer, who plops down in his chair. And
sneaks some more wine.
KARN
To break the Kings I would move a *
mountain.
SEER
If you moved against the Kings, the
entire world would move with you.
KARN
The risks are great.
SEER
As are the rewards, Majesty. You *
could finally live in peace,
unmolested, with your lovely wife.
Karn strokes his chin, considers.
SEER
And theres still your revenge to
consider.
Karns face hardens. The Seer smiles, finishes his wine.
INT. BEDCHAMBER - TRANSIS - NIGHT 41 41
A tapestry. We hear the SCRAPING of heavy stone blocks, that *
of a hidden door. Karn slips from behind the tapestry- *
-to find Starling glaring at him. *
KARN
Oh. Hello, dear. My, youre up *
late.
Starling crosses her arms.
EXT. ORC CAMP - DAY 42 42
Grelnok and Yart brace each other, exhausted from laughter. *
Silver Tom waits with rapidly draining patience.
1/25/12 51.
RILK
Last one. Im unique and special!
My passion trumps your expertise.
Moneys not imaginary!
The Orcs dont get those. Tom clears his throat. *
RILK
You had some questions? *
SILVER TOM
Just the one. The bard girl who *
dresses like a drunken pixie: where *
did she go?
RILK
She followed her party to the east.
SILVER TOM
Had she spoken with any of them?
This is of critical importance.
RILK
<Not that> I saw. <Why?> *
SILVER TOM
Gods, your metabolism is fast.
RILK
Quet?
SILVER TOM
The potion is wearing off.
RILK
 the bard girl?
SILVER TOM
Im taking over the epic. Sacking
her, sadly. Shes been fired.
(off Rilks confusion) *
Fired? Lets see, fire, third
person singular future passive...
ah. <She will be set on fire.>
The Orcs stare, wide-eyed.
RILK
<Why?>
1/25/12 52.
SILVER TOM
Look, I hate to poach as much as
the next songsmith, but the scope
of this epic is simply beyond her.
We all have to make sacrifices.
Rilk waves an angrier I dont understand.
SILVER TOM
<She will be sacrificed.>
He claps Rilk on the shoulder.
SILVER TOM
I wish you well!
Tom turns his back. Rilk draws his sword. Grelnok and Yart
silently tackle him. Tom WHISTLES his way off to the east.
INT. SHADOWY ROOM - TEMPLE OF ALL DOOMS - DAY 43 43
The Whispering Warlock swirls about the room.
RODERICK
(Glorions mannerisms)
These stony limbs- so cold! And
the lichen! Ah, the lichen!
WHISPERING WARLOCK
You shall live out the remainder of
your days learning humility in the
hunched form of a gargoyle.
RODERICK
Give me back my body!
GLORION
(Rodericks mannerisms)
There is no way to reverse the
process. Dont listen to me! The
warlock is invincible!
RODERICK
Ive had enough of your defeatism!
The Warlock turns to Roderick in Glorion.
WHISPERING WARLOCK
And as for you, turncoat. You
shall experience the excruciating
joy of slowly starving to death.
1/25/12 53.
Mortified, Glorion (Roderick) whirls to Roderick (Glorion).
GLORION
The worst thing you could do is to
shed some light on this situation.
RODERICK
I have no idea how this happened!
GLORION
The warlock is not composed of
shadow!
RODERICK
Cease your chatter and let me
think! Perhaps some means of
dispelling this curse lies behind
these curtains!
Roderick pushes back the curtains, looking for something,
anything. He finds nothing. Its too dark to see.
RODERICK
Its too dark in here. Ah!
Roderick rushes out of the room.
GLORION
I have no idea what hes doing.
And Im certain it would be of no
value for me to stay here and
distract you.
WHISPERING WARLOCK
Huh?
INT. DUNGEON HALL - TEMPLE OF ALL DOOMS - DAY 44 44
Roderick yanks the torch off the wall.
INT. SHADOWY ROOM - TEMPLE OF ALL DOOMS -DAY 45 45
Roderick reenters the room with the blazing torch in hand.
RODERICK
Ha! Now I can see!
The Whispering Warlock SCREAMS and melts away to nothing in
the bright light of the torch. Roderick GRUNTS knowingly.
1/25/12 54.
RODERICK
Slain by the blinding radiance of
my valor, no doubt. Now, perhaps
we can find some way to break-
GLORION
(restored)
-this curse. Whats this? I am
restored! Huzzah!
Roderick, also restored, smiles, relieved.
RODERICK
I liked your body so much better.
GLORION
Shroud your perversions, my devoted
bit of statuary. Blade.
Roderick begrudgingly returns Glorions sword.
GLORION
Twas the light from my torch slew
the shadowy mage. You see,
creature, on occasion one must rely
upon his wits as well as his might.
RODERICK
Such genius is beyond me.
(beat)
Please, just this once, say it
again.
GLORION
Oh, very well. ONWARD!
BLACKOUT.
1/25/12 55.
EPISODE VI
INT. WATCHERS ROOM - TEMPLE OF ALL DOOMS A45 A45
THE WATCHER - gaunt, haggard, hasnt slept in days - sits at
a candle-strewn desk, hunkered over a map of the dungeon. He
reads from a scroll (one of dozens) into a crystal ball.
WATCHER
The Chess Room. Play your way
across the board, but beware! Have
you the strategy, the patience-?
A horrible SKEWERING sound, and a SCREAM and THUD.
WATCHER
You cant just shoot the King!
A womans startled, incensed SHRIEK. Glorion LAUGHS.
WATCHER
Take your hands off the Queen! Oh!
Oh, I hate this guy!
A womans swooning, delighted MOAN.
Carrow stumbles through the graveyard past ZOMBIES. As he
passes, the Zombies look up and follow him.
CARROW
Nara? Perf? Do you live?
Carrow notices the Zombies, turns. The Zombies stop.
CARROW
Get away from me.
He strides off again. The Zombies follow. More join the
procession. Carrow whirls. Facing them, he takes a step
back. They follow him apace.
CARROW
Away, I said!
They regard him with dead, unthinking eyes.
CARROW
Im not one of you!
1/25/12 56.
He hustles back a step, slips on a rock. Falls.
The Zombies circle around him, peer down.
With a ROAR, Carrow leaps up, rock in hand. He SMASHES the
rock into the head of the nearest Zombie, killing it.
The Zombies look down at the dead Zombie, and back up at
Carrow. Carrow beats a hasty retreat. The Zombies follow.
A HOODED FIGURE (Death) curiously watches Carrow flee.
CAPTION: Episode VI: Better Than Sex
INT. WATCHERS ROOM - TEMPLE OF ALL DOOMS 48 48
The candles have burned lower. The Watcher clutches a lit
pipe between bony fingers, reads from a scroll:
WATCHER
Seven mirrors, seven ways, but only
one reflects the truth. Discover
the true path, or fall forever into
shadow-
The sound of BREAKING GLASS.
WATCHER
Didnt see that coming.
The Watcher throws that scroll over his shoulder.
OMITTED 49-52 49-52
INT. CORRIDOR - MAUSOLEUM - NIGHT 53 53 *
Nara hustles down a corridor, leading Perf by the hand.
Strong Like Bull ducks into the corridor after them.
STRONG LIKE BULL
Wait!
1/25/12 57.
INT. CORPSE WORMS LAIR - MAUSOLEUM - NIGHT 54 54
The beasts nest, full of bones, debris, and treasure, all
covered with sticky, mucus-like ooze. Nara pulls Perf in.
PERF
Why are we stopping?
Strong Like Bull catches up to them.
STRONG LIKE BULL
Mage! Where did you get that-?
Nara snatches up a rusty sword and turns on Strong Like Bull.
STRONG LIKE BULL
-sword. Youre not drugged.
NARA
Wore off a while back. Perf, find
me a bow.
PERF
Youre all right?
NARA
A bow, Perf!
PERF
Youre all right.
Perfs relief surprises Nara, and wins a light smile from
her. Nara indicates the treasure mound. Perf hops to it.
NARA
(to Strong Like Bull)
Give me one reason why I shouldnt
gut you here.
STRONG LIKE BULL
I know the way out.
NARA
You led us into an ambush!
STRONG LIKE BULL
Well, yes, I was trying to kill
you. But that was before I saw
that Sword! Do you even know what
he has there?
1/25/12 58.
NARA
So far? Nothing but trouble.
Perf pulls a rotten hopjacket out of the treasure mound. He
huhs at it before discarding it, digging further.
STRONG LIKE BULL
Im studying that very blade! Why
do you think Im in this tomb in
the first place? Sumbre is where
the Sword was forged! Great powers
are on the move now, prophesied
events set in motion the moment he
drew that blade!
Perf brings a bow and a quiver of arrows to Nara. She pulls
out an arrow. Its tip GLOWS GREEN.
NARA
Keen.
She shoulders the quiver, nocks an arrow.
NARA
Lead us out. Real exit this time.
(to Perf, off)
Ready?
Perf has donned a conical helmet over his wizards hat. He
raps his fist on the front of a massive circular shield.
PERF
Lets do this.
Beat. Nara CHUCKLES. Perf cracks a self-aware smile.
INT. WATCHERS ROOM - TEMPLE OF ALL DOOMS 55 55
The candles have burned down to nubs. The Watcher consults
his map, reads from his latest scroll into the crystal ball.
WATCHER
Behold the Sanctum of Stone! Here
dwells Arcturis, Ancient of a
Thousand Eons! Arcturis, Terror of
the Blackened Core! Arcturis,
forged in the eternal flames of-!
An unearthly SHRIEK, an echoing THUD.
1/25/12 59.
WATCHER
Oh, COME ON! At least let me
finish the scroll!
He ROARS in impotent rage and strangles the scroll.
INT. BEDCHAMBER - TRANSIS - NIGHT 56 56
Starling crosses her arms, glares. Karn fakes a YAWN.
KARN
Its late. The moon pursues her *
sister across the sky in her frosty
chariot. Im off to bed. *
STARLING
And there goes your chance not to
lie to me. You met with that seer.
What, you think I dont have my own
spy network?
KARN
Starling-
STARLING
Do you know what happens if even a *
rumor starts that youre leaving
the city? Chaos and blood! *
Unnoticed, four ASSASSINS slink into the room. *
STARLING
Every one of those nobles is just *
waiting for another reason to rise
up against you! *
KARN
You think I dont know that? Im the
one with the daggers at his back. *
The Assassins draw closer. They also draw swords.
STARLING
And what happens to me if you fall?
My familys not exactly the forgive *
and forget type. *
An Assassin fires a crossbow at Karn. Karn catches the bolt.
KARN
Do you MIND?! I am TRYING to have
a CONVERSATION with my WIFE!!
1/25/12 60.
Karn leaps amid the Assassins, hewing with Justice. Starling
draws a sword and does the same. Assassins fall.
STARLING
You always do this, Karn. You make
decisions that affect us both *
without talking to me! *
KARN
Gods bones, woman, I have a
kingdom to run! What, I have to *
run everything by you first? *
STARLING
You make it sound like such a chore. *
KARN
Stop twisting my words!
STARLING
Youre not a freebooter any more! *
You have duties, as a king and a *
husband!
KARN
Duties I never agreed to! Yes, I
miss my freedom, and if your aim is *
to keep me from the life I crave,
then to hell with you all! *
Karn punctuates the last line by killing the last Assassin - *
and turns to find Starling clutching the dagger jutting from *
her sternum. Blood seeps between her fingers.
KARN
No. Oh, no, NO, NO!
She gapes at him for help. It's the last action she takes.
She tumbles. Karn catches her.
KARN
Starling! STARLING!!
INT. WATCHERS ROOM - TEMPLE OF ALL DOOMS A56 A56
A new batch of candles is lit. The Watcher takes a deep
puffs on his pipe and hardly glances at his scroll.
WATCHER
Oh, look, giant mushrooms. Blah,
blah, poison.
1/25/12 61.
(MORE)
Blah, blah, blah, doom. Oh. Oh,
and now youve set the room on
fire. Well done.
He rips that scroll in half.
Wren treads lightly through the graveyard. ZOMBIES shamble
mindlessly about. They pay Wren no mind.
WREN
Nothing to be afraid of, nothing to
be afraid of, nothing to be afraid-
A random Zombie collides with Wren. She SCREAMS.
The Zombie MOANS, locks its steely dead eyes on Wren.
WREN
Yes, [MOANS], indeed!
INTERCUT BETWEEN EDGE OF SUMBRE AND RUINS OF SUMBRE 58 58
From the Edge of the Ruins, Silver Tom watches Wren progress
through the graveyard. Tom shakes his head.
SILVER TOM
No, dont interact with the extras.
WREN
Yes, [GRUNTS]. Were all dead
here. Grr... arrgh...
SILVER TOM
What are you doing?
Wren passes by a group of Zombies eating the Zombie that
Carrow killed. They look up at her. She waves them off.
WREN
Im good, thanks. I ate like fifty
children this morning, so... you
know... pretty full.
SILVER TOM
How are you still alive?
The Zombies keep staring at her. Wren rubs her stomach.
WREN
MMMM!
1/25/12 62.
WATCHER (cont'd)
They keep staring. Wren looks worried. The Zombies go back
to chewing on the corpse. Wren meanders on.
Silver Tom slips down into the ruins after her.
INT. WATCHERS ROOM - TEMPLE OF ALL DOOMS - DAY A58 A58
His head in his hands, the Watcher stares into the crystal
ball in mounting disbelief. Horrid sounds of CLANKING METAL
and painful SCREAMS accompany Glorions LAUGHTER.
Sudden silence.
WATCHER
Sod me with a spoon.
GLORION (O.S.)
ONWARD!
The Watcher takes a long pull off a bottle of wine.
EXT. MAUSOLEUM - RUINS OF SUMBRE - DAY FOR NIGHT 59 59
A crowd of ZOMBIES paws at the mausoleums door. After a few
moments, they stop and resume their docile posture.
Wren pushes her way to the front of the crowd.
WREN
Excuse me, pardon me.
Wren takes a blue Passwall potion from her satchel. She
uncorks it - and then gets the feeling shes being watched.
Behind Wren, the Zombie mob parts, revealing the hooded
figure (Death). Wren doesnt notice.
But Tom does. Rather, he sees the Zombie mob split for no
reason (Death is invisible to him).
SILVER TOM
Thats hardly typical.
Tom pops a clear potion out of his bandolier: True Sight.
He pops it, waves away the mist, quaffs it-
-and sees Death amid the Zombies. Toms eyes nearly explode
out of his head. He throws himself behind a gravestone.
SILVER TOM
Gods alive!
1/25/12 63.
He peers over the gravestone, sees Wren looking in Deaths
direction without seeing her, Passwall potion in hand.
SILVER TOM
Get out of there. Get out of
there.
Death extends her hand, blows at Wren, as if blowing a kiss.
A gust of wind washes over Wren. When its gone, so is her
disguise. She holds up a hand, sees her flesh again.
SILVER TOM
Get out of there!
Wren turns to see the horde of hungry Zombies eyeing her.
WREN
Its bad luck to eat a bard.
The Zombies swarm Wren. She goes down in a heap - and drops
the Passwall potion, which spills in the dirt.
Dirty dead hands and biting teeth grasp for Wren. She spies
the potion-infused dirt, grimaces, and eats a handful of it.
Wren DRY-HEAVES out a bit of blue mist. She rises and jumps
through the solid door, passing harmlessly through.
The Zombies POUND on the door behind her.
INT. MAUSOLEUM - NIGHT 60 60
Wren sprawls on her stomach, spits out dirt. She GAGS,
COUGHS, and otherwise vocalizes her discontent.
WREN
I ate a worm!
She spits out more dirt and misery.
Tom watches the Zombies POUND ineffectually on the tombs
door. He breathes a SIGH of relief, leans back, turns - and
sees Death right beside him. He stifles a scream.
Death wags a finger at him - naughty child - and kiss-blows
at Tom. As her breath touches him, she fades from sight.
Hand clutching his chest, Tom slows his terrified breathing.
1/25/12 64.
SILVER TOM
Hoo. Better than sex.
BLACKOUT.
1/25/12 65.
EPISODE VII
Rilk, Grelnok, and Yart approach the mausoleum. The Zombies
disperse from the entrance and shamble towards the Orcs.
GRELNOK
<Ears!>
Grelnok draws his knife and wades off screen into the undead. *
RILK
<We havent scouted this place, so
well keep it simple. Black Bard
invoked immunity, so we cant
engage him. Ill extract Miss Bard
from the tomb. Secure a path for
our retreat. Any thoughts?>
YART
<Just one, and this is crucial.
Dont give her the impression that
you think she needs to be saved.>
RILK

YART
<Shes a strong, independent
female, fully capable of taking
care of herself. She doesnt need
you, and you respect that. Keep
that in mind when you rescue her.>
RILK
<Right. Thanks.>
He turns to go.
YART
<Wait!>
Rilk turns back.
YART
<Which is not to say you dont find
her feminine. Shes a delicate
flower, a sparkling jewel, a rarity
worthy of praise and devotion.
Sweep her off her feet!>
1/25/12 66.
RILK
<Sure. All right. Good.>
Rilk turns to go again.
YART
<And remember!>
RILK
<What?!>
YART
<Shes beautiful, but that isnt
what defines her. Shes career-
focused, which doesnt intimidate
you and doesnt make her any less
attractive in your eyes. She is
your unique equal in every way, and
deserves special but not at all
different treatment. Understand?>
RILK
<Well, which is it?! I dont know
whats safe to say or what might
offend her, and I have no idea how
Im supposed to behave!
YART
<Now youre ready to talk to a
woman. Go on!>
Flummoxed, Rilk SNARLS, stalks towards the tomb.
Grelnok returns, his arms full of Zombie ears.
GRELNOK
Eh? Eh?
Yart shakes his head. Grelnok SIGHS, drops the ears.
CAPTION: Episode VII: Much to Discuss
1/25/12 67.
INT. CORRIDOR -- MAUSOLEUM - NIGHT 64 64
Strong, lantern in hand, leads Nara and Perf around a corner.
Nara has a GLOWING ARROW nocked. Perf drops in by Strong.
PERF
You know about the Sword?
NARA
Do not let him distract you.
STRONG LIKE BULL
Ive studied the Fall of Sumbre and
the Rise of the Undead extensively.
They both tie directly into my
field: Arcane Archaeology and
Deific-Mortal Interactions-
PERF
How do I get rid of it?
STRONG LIKE BULL
Get rid of it? You cant.
PERF
I cant?
STRONG LIKE BULL
No. Not intentionally. It can be
taken from you, but if you try to
give it away or abandon it, it will
return to you.
SWORD
Ev... ry... wheeeeeere...
Perf lets out a half-GRUNT, half-WHIMPER. The Orc eyes him.
STRONG LIKE BULL
What was it you cast back there?
PERF
It was supposed to be Thundershock.
Not Exploding Citrus or Chain
Lightning Lemons or whatever the
hell that was. I was trying to
collapse the tunnel.
The Assassin drops onto Nara. Nara fires wildly. The
GLOWING ARROW caroms off the ceiling and back the way they
came. They struggle in silence behind the oblivious men.
1/25/12 68.
STRONG LIKE BULL
Astonishing.
PERF
Im a terrible wizard, all right?
STRONG LIKE BULL
No! The ability to retrocast is
exceedingly rare. Most spells,
when miscast, just fizzle. Yours
produced a definitive magical
effect. Tell me, have you ever
miscast a spell and gotten the
opposite of what you intended?
PERF
Maybe. Once or twice. Always.
The runes, they keep dancing
around. What is that?
STRONG LIKE BULL
Theres not a word for it in your
language. We call it-
STRONG LIKE BULL *
-hekkashadz.
STRONG LIKE BULL (SUBTITLE) *
<dyslexia>
PERF
Sounds awful.
STRONG LIKE BULL
It certainly can be. But for the
right wizard, it can be a gift.
Perf looks dubious. Strong slips into professor mode. Nara
and the Assassin struggle mutely for life and death.
STRONG LIKE BULL
Not one wizard in a generation can
retrocast a spell - intentionally
or not - and get an exact opposite
effect. But by all appearances,
you possess this ability. And
coupled with the prophecies
surrounding the Sword, and the fact
that youve drawn it... gods, man,
youre the Chosen One for a reason!
This was no mistake, no chance of
fate! Dont you see, you could-!
The Assassin grabs Strong in the neck-breaker. Nara sags
against the wall, two darts in her shoulder.
1/25/12 69.
NARA
Here come the bedbugs.
ASSASSIN
I found the exit. Which means
nighty-night, pork-tusk.
PERF
No, dont! He-!
A deafening ROAR. Everyone looks behind them.
MONSTER POV: The one-mandible Corpse Worm has returned.
STRONG LIKE BULL
Would any of you, perchance, happen
to have brought along any lemons?
(off their silence)
I didnt think so.
The Worm ROARS again, shaking the frame.
INT. STRONG LIKE BULLS WORKSITE - MAUSOLEUM - NIGHT 65 65
The ROAR makes Wren look up, startled, from the wall of
runes. When it fades, she SIGHS, turns back to the runes.
WREN
What is all this about?
SILVER TOM (O.S.)
Could be part of the Oclysma.
Wren whirls to see Silver Tom leaning on the opposite wall.
He crosses to examine the runes.
SILVER TOM
Or just graffiti. Hard to say for
sure in this light.
WREN
Who are you? Howd you get in here?
SILVER TOM
Ill answer that in reverse order,
if you dont mind. We are standing
in a royal Archaian burial complex
full of dead royal Archaians. Not
the sovereigns, obviously - the
decors a bit pedestrian for that.
1/25/12 70.
(MORE)
Anyhow, a standard feature of these
tombs is a narrow chimney in the
ceiling to accommodate the comings
and goings of the soul. Super- *
stitious nonsense, of course, but
it turns out you dont actually
need to be dead to use them. As
for who I am...
He takes a step near her. Wren flashes her bard badge.
WREN
Bardic immunity!
Tom flashes his badge back at her.
SILVER TOM
Motley? Are we wearing that now?
All at once, Wren recognizes him.
WREN
Shag the tits off a harpy - youre
Silver Tom!
SILVER TOM
Ive not heard that expression.
WREN
You wrote Nathadrics Pranks! And
Hither Came Karn! Im sure you *
hear this all the time, but you
absolutely quake. How you weave
words and melodies and slide your
motifs past the ear only to cinch
them together in ensemble passages - *
wow! Youre brilliant. *
SILVER TOM
Thank you.
WREN
Would you... sign my badge?
Tom nods. Wren SQUEES, hands over her badge. Tom signs it.
WREN *
Holy hells, youre Silver Tom.
SILVER TOM
I still am, yes.
1/25/12 71.
SILVER TOM (cont'd)
WREN
Youre Silver Tom, and youre here.
Sod a god.
SILVER TOM
And going by the creative *
blasphemies, you must be Wren.
WREN
I- yes! But why would...? I mean, *
someone like you knowing who I... *
(beat)
Why are you all the way out here? *
SILVER TOM
Heres where the conversation turns.
(pockets her badge)
Im going to need your notes.
Wren blinks. Understands. Pales.
WREN
Sod-shagging rod-rot.
SILVER TOM
Another one I havent heard.
INT. BEDCHAMBER - TRANSIS - DAY 66 66
Starling lies on a bed in her best Sleeping Beauty. Karns
court WIZARD assesses the situation.
WIZARD
This is no normal sleep, Majesty.
The poison on the assassins blade,
meant for you, has left her in a
torpor from which she cannot wake.
Karn nods, dismissing the Wizard. The Chamberlain escorts
the Seer into the room.
SEER
Will this take long? That woman
charges by the- *
(sees Karn)
Oh. Great king.
Karn steps aside, revealing Starling. Seer crosses to her.
SEER
Oh, my. So silent. So still. So
unlike her... I take it?
1/25/12 72.
He sets a hand on her forehead, the other to his, and MUTTERS
crescendoing gibberish until he breaks contact with a GASP.
SEER
Powerful hands wrought this spell,
Majesty. Hands that would as soon
be wrapped around your throat.
KARN
The Kings.
SEER
Indeed. This curse is beyond my
strength to break. However!
(spins abruptly) *
Not beyond yours. Magic dies with
the magician. Slay the Kings, your
wife awakes. So long as they live,
however, she will remain thus. *
KARN
Very well, seer. To save my queen,
Ill fetch this sword, the sooner
to be done with it. And when its
over, and the Wicked Kings are
slain... what of my vengeance?
SEER
Yes, yes. Once theyre dead, youll
have your chance to kill Vieris.
The Seer LAUGHS - and suddenly goes rigid. Blood drips
between his teeth. He topples, dead, revealing Starling
standing behind him with a bloody dagger in hand.
STARLING
(KING)
Oh, my! Did we do that?
The Wicked Kings LAUGH uproariously through Starling.
Carrows holy symbol lies in the dirt. He stoops, picks it
up, and grimaces as it steams, burning his hand.
CARROW
Is this punishment, Vieris? For my
sins? For abandoning a companion?
Carrow wraps the holy symbol in cloth as a buffer, kneels.
1/25/12 73.
CARROW
(three times quickly)
Blessed Vieris, grant me wisdom.
Lead me back to the Light.
Carrow wanders among the tombstones, bumping into meandering
ZOMBIES that turn and follow him.
CARROW
Dulcinara? Superfluous?
He clumsily bumps into a Zombie. He bumps into another,
pinballs off it. Hes about to collide with a third... but
this one holds out a dainty hand, stopping Carrow. Then it
turns its hand over, as if for Carrow to kiss.
DEATH
Carrow, I believe?
The cloak and cowl cant conceal a graceful female form. The
shadows hide her face - the face of DEATH.
DEATH
Ive been watching your progress
with great interest.
CARROW
Who... what are you?
DEATH
I think you know. Or at least you
suspect.
Carrow thrusts out his holy symbol.
DEATH
Yes, you are correct. And please,
put that away. Its rude.
CARROW
What do you want from me?
DEATH
No. Its what you want from me.
Death steps forward into some light, revealing her bone-white
face and cascade of blood-red hair. She smiles.
DEATH
We have much to discuss.
Terrified, Carrow thrusts his holy symbol skyward.
1/25/12 74.
CARROW
Light of Vieris! Light of Truth!
Light of Heaven, SHINE!
Blinding light flares from the holy symbol. Death vanishes
in a puff of shadow.
Carrow falls to his knees, his arm burnt to a stump.
BLACKOUT.
1/25/12 75.
EPISODE VIII
INT. WATCHERS ROOM - TEMPLE OF ALL DOOMS - DAY 68 68
The candles have almost all burnt out. Scrolls litter the
floor. The Watcher, happily drunk, has his feet on the desk.
WATCHER
(singing)
I hate my job! I hate it so
sodding much! Sod my job!
Glorion explodes through the wall in shower of bricks and
dust. The Watcher falls backwards out of his chair.
GLORION
Look, Roderick! Some sort of
wizard! I can tell from the robes
and the general air of virgin!
RODERICK
Your insight never ceases to amaze.
GLORION
I thank you! Wizard! Tell me
where to find the Sword of
Fighting, and I will honorably
spare your life! With honor!
The Watcher pulls himself up and goes to his desk.
WATCHER
Fine! I give up! I dont care any
more! Youve despoiled every room
in the dungeon. Here, take my map!
He scribbles notes on the map, offers it to Glorion.
WATCHER
That route will take you directly
to the sword chamber, bypassing the
great guardian dracotaur.
GLORION
Dracotaur?
WATCHERA
A horrid beast with the body of a
dragon and the head of a minotaur!
Which is really just a dragon with
a bulls head.
1/25/12 76.
GLORION
You sound familiar. Roderick! Do
you recognize that voice?
RODERICK
Of course not.
GLORION
I believe this is the fellow whos
been narrating our dungeon trek!
The Watcher turns his attention on Roderick.
WATCHER
And you, gargoyle. Why would you
abandon your post?
RODERICK
Hey, I volunteered for this job.
And my partner is still alive, so-
GLORION
I was pretty sure I killed him.
RODERICK
You didnt, wise one.
GLORION
Well, we can always backtrack.
What do you say, Roderick? Shall I
dispatch this vile virgin wizard?
WATCHER
What?
RODERICK
Yes, thats entirely necessary.
GLORION
Thats the spirit!
Glorion stabs the Watcher, who topples. *
CAPTION: Episode VIII: Fall into Darkness
1/25/12 77.
INT. STRONG LIKE BULLS WORKSITE - MAUSOLEUM - DAY 70 70
Wren defensively hugs her satchel to her chest.
WREN
No, but... but this is my epic.
SILVER TOM
Was. The Headmistress reassigned
it to me. Heres the writ.
He hands her a scroll. Wren numbly scans it.
WREN
But I didnt do anything wrong. I
didnt break any rules.
SILVER TOM
If its any consolation, my first
epic was reassigned. So I know *
what it is youre going- *
WREN *
Oh, gods, dont go with *
commiseration. Lie to me at least. *
SILVER TOM *
I... cant empathize? *
WREN *
I know this sequence. You try *
empathy first, and if that doesnt *
work you try guilt, and then fear. *
Same as a bad seduction attempt. *
Im not giving it up. *
SILVER TOM *
You should be afraid. *
WREN
Wow, skipping right to fear. Youve *
got stones for committing. *
SILVER TOM
You dont know what I saw in the *
ruins. You dont know who else is *
watching, and I dont know how Im *
losing this conversation. *
Wren brandishes the writ back at Tom. *
1/25/12 78.
WREN
You have no legal standing to take *
the epic. This is predicated on me *
committing an infraction, and I
havent violated a single Tenet! *
SILVER TOM
Is that so? Youve spoken to no
one in the story?
WREN
Only peripherals, and only outside
the main narrative.
SILVER TOM
And you havent anyones behavior,
intentionally or un-? No ones
taken a course of action they never
would have had they not met you?
WREN
Not a one.
Rilk seizes Tom, presses blade to his throat. Tom starts.
Wren YELPS. Rilk opens his mouth to speak, shuts it.
RILK
 *
Tom glares at Wren. *
SILVER TOM *
Havent changed anyones behavior. *
WREN *
What are you-? I mean, hi! I *
wasnt expecting to see you again. *
RILK *
<Are you hurt? I dont expect you *
to be! Youre independent... I *
dont care that youre pretty, *
because... I dont even need to be *
here... Im really bad at this.> *
WREN *
Oh, I wish I paid attention in *
languages. *
SILVER TOM *
Would someone tell me what the rut *
is going- *
1/25/12 79.
(MORE)
(realizes) *
Oh, my. Isnt that interesting? *
Rilk flings Tom aside. He spin-hits the ground. *
RILK *
<So youre not in danger. Thats *
clear. Soup bones, I assed it up *
again. Im really not like this.> *
Tom pops up, his hat decidedly un-jaunty. *
SILVER TOM *
Infraction! Romantic entanglement! *
This epic is compromised. *
WREN *
What? No, but we havent- *
RILK *
<Want me to knock him down?> *
WREN *
Theres nothing going on here! *
SILVER TOM *
Well, if thats the case, then this- *
(grabs Wrens hand) *
-should have absolutely- *
(spins her into his arms) *
-no effect. *
He dips and kisses her. Wren and Silver Tom look up at Rilk. *
Rilk lowers his blade as well as his guard. *
RILK *
<Ah. I see. Sorry, I... sorry.> *
The Corpse Worm suddenly grabs Rilk, yanks him off. His *
sword CLATTERS down. *
Tom and Wren YELP. Wren rolls out of Toms arms - leaving *
her pack in his grasp - and dives for Rilks sword. *
SILVER TOM *
No, dont get involved! *
Tom realizes hes holding her satchel. *
Wren stabs the Corpse Worm. It shrieks. Rilk falls, goop- *
covered. Hes more angry and embarrassed than scared. *
Rilk whips out his battle horn and blows it. *
1/25/12 80.
SILVER TOM (cont'd)
OMITTED 71-72 71-72 *
EXT. MAUSOLEUM - RUINS OF SUMBRE - DAY FOR NIGHT 73 73 *
Yart and Grelnok hear the CALL of Rilks horn. They share a
look and rush towards the mausoleum.
EXT. EDGE OF THE RUINS - RUINS OF SUMBRE - DAY FOR NIGHT 74 74
On the other side of the mausoleum, Perf, dragging a drugged
and GIGGLING Nara, leads the Assassin and Strong Like Bull
out of the tomb complex via an overgrown staircase.
PERF
Now can we please leave this place?!
ASSASSIN
Straight away.
PERF
Dont forget Carrow. You wont get
full price without him.
ASSASSIN
Hes dead already. Let him rot.
CARROW (O.S.)
Im not a monster.
Everyone spins around. There, Carrow kneels amid the ruins.
His right sleeve hangs limply over the stump of his arm.
CARROW
I am an anointed priest of Vieris,
Lord of Light, whose mercy endures
forever. Leave us, bounty hunter.
Leave us, or I call the wrath of my
god down upon you.
ASSASSIN
Somehow? Not the slightest bit
worried.
CARROW
You mock my faith?
1/25/12 81.
PERF
No! She thinks youre absolutely
overflowing with faith - youre a
veritable faith fountain - and
theres really no reason to-
Carrow thrusts his cloth-wrapped holy symbol skyward.
CARROW
Wardens of Order and Guardians on
High, heed my call! In Vieris name
I summon thee! Strike down the
unworthy, o Angel of Justice!
PERF
oh, sod.
A WARRIOR ANGEL, glowing with holy light, appears in a flash.
NARA
Shes so pretty. Like a big ball
of cats.
The Angel raises her trumpet and blows an angelic FANFARE.
ANGEL
And yea, let my angels be as
warrior-shepherds among the flock,
that they may bring justice to the
downtrodden, and rain fury upon
those who sin. Judgments 4:13.
ASSASSIN
Rot.
CARROW
Hark, angel! Deliver us!
She turns towards Carrow... and draws her glimmering sword.
ANGEL
Abomination!
Carrow goes pale. Well, paler.
ANGEL
Be cleansed!
She swings at Carrow, slicing his holy symbol in half.
SWORD
Die, feather-butt!
1/25/12 82.
The Sword leaps into Perfs hand and drags him towards the
Angel. The Angel whirls to blocks the thrust with her
trumpet, which spins out of her hand.
PERF
I am so very sorry.
SWORD
Kill her! Chop her life off! *
PERF
Please forgive me!
ANGEL
You are all agents of shadow!
The Angel attacks Perf. One swipe sends his shield spinning
away. Another clouts against his help, knocking it free.
The Sword SHOUTS with glee, trades blows with the Angel.
Carrow, numb, kneels over his cloven holy symbol. He grabs
at his hair like a man stressed... and tears away part of his
face. He gapes at the layers of skin in his own hands.
The Angel drives Perf past him with a series of sword blows.
PERF
Im converting! All praise Vieris!
ANGEL
Stand and be judged!
The Assassin hurls a dart at the Angel. It bounces off.
STRONG LIKE BULL
You cant hurt her with her nimbus
up! You have to dispell it or
shell kill us all!
(to Carrow)
You! Death-priest!
That title hits Carrow like a punch in the gut. Strong grabs
the Angels fallen trumpet and rushes it over to him.
CARROW
Death-priest?
STRONG LIKE BULL
Infuse this with shadow!
CARROW
I dont know how.
1/25/12 83.
STRONG LIKE BULL
I assure you, you do.
Carrow takes the trumpet. Lost, he looks out over the ruins-
-and sees Death watching him. She shrugs - a well?
Carrow GROWLS in frustrated rage. He grabs the trumpet,
grits his teeth. A nimbus of shadow darkens the trumpet.
The Angel drives Perf ever backwards. The Sword SNARLS as it
blocks her lightning-quick thrusts and parries.
PERF
I confess that I am in bondage to
sin and cannot free myself!
ANGEL
Fall into darkness!
CARROW
Hark, angel.
She turns. Carrow touches the trumpet to the Angel. The
holy light around her vanishes. She swoons, sickened.
With a bloodthirsty WAR CRY, the Sword drags Perf towards the
Angel and chops her head off. Her headless corpse hits the
ground. The Sword BELLOWS in mindless, wordless glee
The motley collection of adventurers gathers to stare down at
the Angels body. Carrow looks off thoughtfully.
Across the ruins, Death meets Carrows gaze. She raises her
hands, politely applauds.
CARROW
I do believe the church will frown
on this.
SWORD
I just had a wargasm.
BLACKOUT.
1/25/12 84.
EPISODE IX
EXT. WOODED FOOTHILLS - DAY 75 75
The Assassin leads her bound and bound together prisoners
down a wooded trail. Nara, headaching, hangs her head.
St Perfs hip, the Sword discordantly SINGS:
SWORD
I killed an angel! I killed an
angel! I killed an angel, killed
her dead! I killed-!
PERF
Would you shut up?!
SWORD
An angel! Do you have any idea how
rare that is? I know catapults who
havent killed angels!
PERF
Oh, now it talks to catapults.
SWORD
Not if I dont have to. Whiny
bastards, all of them. Its all
my arm this, my arm that. Look
out, Im gonna hurl.
PERF
(to Strong Like Bull)
In your studies, was there anything
to indicate the Sword was --
STRONG LIKE BULL
Dangerously insane? Not really.
SWORD
I killed an angel! I killed an
angel! Take it, Perf!
(beat)
Yep, failed at that too. I killed
an angel! I killed an angel.
The Assassin abruptly halts, peering at something in the
distance: a winking light, like a reflection off a mirror.
1/25/12 85.
CAPTION: Episode IX: Retromancer
EXT. CLEARING - FOREST - DAY 77 77
The Assassin re-ties Perfs bonds so that his arms are slung
above his head over the bow of a low-hanging branch.
The Assassin admires her work. Perf, Nara, Carrow, and the
Orcs bonds are all similarly tied over the limb.
She slips between the trees without a sound.
CARROW
Were almost to the Reaches. This
may be our last chance to escape.
NARA
And how are we supposed to do that
with our hands tied above..?
Through her headache, she notices Carrow has two arms again.
His right arm is pale skinned, with manicured fingernails.
NARA
I thought you... is that your arm?
CARROW
...its an arm.
NARA
Where did you get it?
CARROW
The graveyard.
NARA
Is that the angels arm?
A beat.
CARROW
Were getting off topic. These
bonds wont cut themselves.
1/25/12 86.
PERF
(to Sword)
Youre in a good mood. How about
cutting your Chosen One free?
SWORD
You know, you have a very pretty
beard for a little girl.
STRONG LIKE BULL
Youre a wizard. Cast something.
PERF
Ah, see, theres the flaw in your
plan. My spells all suck.
STRONG LIKE BULL
Even the most obscure spell can be
surprisingly versatile under the
right circumstances. What do you
have memorized?
PERF
Mend, Conjure Milk, and Vague.
Another beat.
STRONG LIKE BULL
Conjure Milk? How is that even a
spell?
NARA
I know!
INT. STRONG LIKE BULLS WORKSITE - MAUSOLEUMN - NIGHT 78 78
In a montage of quick handheld POV zooms, the Orcs kill the
shit out of the Corpse Worm.
Wren shies away from the fight. She spots her satchel on the
floor. Grabs it. Checks it. Her notebook is missing.
WREN
Oh, no. No, no, no!
Toms nowhere to be seen. She dashes from the battle.
Rilk lands the killing blow on the Corpse Worm. From its
POV, it shudders, rolls, falls on its back. Rilk kills it.
A twist of the knife, and Rilk holds up the beasts heart.
1/25/12 87.
RILK
<We live!>
GRELNOK
<We live!> *
YART
<We live!> *
Rilk takes a bite out of the heart, grimaces. He passes it
to Yart. Rilk looks around, doesnt see Wren.
RILK
<Whered she go?>
Yart shakes his head. He takes a bite, grimaces.
GRELNOK (O.S.)
<Good news!>
Grelnok steps into frame, holds up an clutch of entrails.
GRELNOK
<The worm didnt eat her!>
Grelnok grabs the heart, takes a huge happy bite.
EXT. EDGE OF THE RUINS - RUINS OF SUMBRE - DAY FOR NIGHT 79 79
Wren finds Tom sitting atop a rock at the edge of the Angels
battlefield. Hes finishing writing notes in her notebook.
SILVER TOM
You just missed the most remarkable
battle. A grand unexpected turning *
point for a major character. It
will make quite the set piece.
WREN
Please. Tom. Dont take my epic.
SILVER TOM
After the twaddle you gave me, *
youre trying heartstrings? Its *
not my call. This decision was *
made a thousand miles ago.
WREN
Take me with you, then. I can
help. I know them.
SILVER TOM
Do you? Your notes are rather
surface level.
1/25/12 88.
WREN
Yes! I do!
SILVER TOM
All right, then. How would you
describe Carrows current emotional
landscape? Whats he going through
internally?
In a moment of shock, Wren realizes she doesnt know.
SILVER TOM
Dont know? Nara, then. The drive,
the detachment, keeping everyone at
arms length... whats that stem
from? Come on, this is basic.
Wren cant answer. She can blink back tears.
SILVER TOM
All right, lets try an easy one:
Perf. Whys he even on this quest?
Why is he the Chosen One? Because
its clear to me. Its all here.
WREN
I dont know.
SILVER TOM
Whats that?
WREN
Ill find out!
SILVER TOM
Youll get another epic. Something
more in tune with your talents.
Rilk emerges from the tomb, sees Wren crying. He looks up at
Tom, sees her notebook in his hands.
RILK
<Give her back her book.>
SILVER TOM
Youll be a character in it, you
know. Ill give you your very own
act. Your very own rhyme scheme.
RILK

1/25/12 89.
WREN
Dont bother. Its gone.
Tom pops a pink potion from his bandolier, uncorks it.
SILVER TOM
And seriously, consider exploring *
this fascinating little subplot *
youve got going on. You deserve
at least a little joy for the time
youve put in. I wish you well.
He quaffs the potion, vanishes. Rilk and Wren share a look.
EXT. MEETING PLACE - FOREST - DAY 80 80
The Assassin finds a comatose ELF MESSENGER in the woods.
Shes wearing a black tabard with an inverted crown on it.
ASSASSIN
An elf, hey? Dont think I dont
appreciate that.
ELF MESSENGER
(KING)
We are not impressed by your delay.
ASSASSIN
Had a bit of a hang up in Sumbre.
ELF MESSENGER
(KING)
Neither are we interested in
excuses! You dare keep us waiting-
(QUEEN)
Stop being dramatic. Youre not
impressing anyone.
(KING)
Dont interrupt me, woman!
(QUEEN)
Dont get bald and fat and go
limper than a wet wick.
(KING)
Whore! Ill show you whos limp!
(QUEEN)
Youll show me whos limp.
Interesting. It has the basic form
of a threat, but without conveying
any sense of actual danger.
(PRINCE)
Oh, look, youre fighting again!
1/25/12 90.
(MORE)
And during important state
business, no less. You know what,
lets just forget about that whole
potential end of our reign thing so
we can throw barbs at each other.
Huh? Hows that sound? Cretins.
(QUEEN)
Gods, I wish Id drowned you.
(PRINCE)
Hey there, Shadow Pants. So do you *
have the questers or what?
ASSASSIN
Three of four, including the Chosen
One.
ELF MESSENGER
(PRINCE)
Thats really the only one we care
about.
(QUEEN)
Bring us the Sword and the Chosen
One.
(KING)
Kill the rest. *
ASSASSIN
Thank you.
ELF MESSENGER
(QUEEN)
And do be a dear and dispose of
this vessel for us, will you?
(KING)
She jests about my impotence. I
have the libido of a mammoth!
The Elf suddenly sags and blinks as if awakening from a deep
sleep. She reacts with disgust when she sees her tabard.
The Assassin CLEARS HER THROAT. The Elf looks up at the
Assassin, recognizes her. The color drains from her face.
ELF MESSENGER
Please! I wont tell anyone!
ASSASSIN
Correct.
The Assassin stabs her.
1/25/12 91.
ELF MESSENGER (cont'd)
EXT. CLEARING - FOREST - DAY 81 81
ANGLE ON: Naras ear. She heard the whole conversation.
NARA
Shes coming to kill us. We have
to free ourselves now.
STRONG LIKE BULL
Mend!
PERF
What?
STRONG LIKE BULL
Mend! Its a sewing spell!
Retrocast it on your bonds!
PERF
I dont know-
STRONG LIKE BULL
Damn it, man, youve done it before!
Just pretend youre reading it!
Perf, skeptical, focuses intently on his bonds and casts.
Perfs bonds unravel, freeing him.
PERF
Huh. It worked.
ASSASSIN (O.S.)
Huzzah.
She kicks Perf in the face.
Perf grabs his magic rock and hurls it at the Assassin. It
hits her in the shoulder. The Assassin GRUNTS in surprised
pain, glares murder back at Perf.
PERF
Oh, that was a bad idea.
He draws the Sword. The Sword swings and SLAPS him in the
face with his flat -- over and over again.
SWORD
Whyre you hitting yourself?
Whyre you hitting yourself?
1/25/12 92.
PERF
Stop that!
Carrow, somehow free, appears behind Nara and gnaws through
her bonds. They snap, freeing her.
The sword force-sheathes itself, then swings around and
CRACKS Perf in the crotch again. Perf sinks to his knees.
SWORD
Vengeance is mine!
The Assassin goes for Perf. Nara tackles her out of the way.
They roll across the ground in a tangle of CURSES and jabs.
The Assassin comes up on top, gripping Naras hair in one
hand and holding her sword to Naras throat with the other.
ASSASSIN
(whispering)
And the destiny is mine.
From his knees, Perf desperately casts.
The Assassins pants legs suddenly sew together.
ASSASSIN
What the-?
The Assassin teeters and falls. Nara scrambles free. The
Assassin awkwardly hops to her feet, sword in hand.
ASSASSIN
You think I need legs to-?!
Perf casts again. The Assassins sleeves sew to her sides.
ASSASSIN
Rot.
Nara punches her. The Assassin falls, dropping her sword.
Nara grabs the Assassins sword and stabs down at her.
A puff of smoke, a blur of movement.
Nara yanks the sword from the ground. The Assassins empty,
sewn-together clothes hang off the blade.
NARA
Where is she? Whered she go?!
Perf unties Strong Like Bull, who bathes him in praise.
1/25/12 93.
STRONG LIKE BULL
You see! What did I tell you? A
definitive magical effect,
flawlessly retrocast! Perfect
spell inversion! Youre well on
your way, master mage! Or should I
call you... retromancer.
Strong ruffles Perfs hair. Perf blushes. He looks away,
meets eyes with Nara. She nods, gives him a genuine smile.
NARA
Well done, Perf.
Perf blushes deeper. Nara blushes back, then looks angry at
herself for having done so. She turns to Carrow.
NARA
Carrow! How did you free yourself?
Carrow has no arms. Nara blinks. She looks back to the
tree, where Carrows torn-off arms hang over the branch.
NARA
Oh. Thats quite a... thats quite
a thing.
CARROW
I suggest we make ourselves scarce
while we have the advantage.
Perf grins at Carrow, amused.
CARROW
What?
PERF
Its just... youve been disarmed.
Carrow just stares at him for a moment. And walks away.
PERF
Because you have no arms, you see.
Thats why its funny.
Strong grabs Carrows arms, hikes off after him. Nara
buckles on the Assassins sword.
NARA
Itll do. Were still far from
safe, you know. She said there
were others.
1/25/12 94.
PERF
At least theres one fewer crazy
person chasing us for the Sword.
NARA
I guess thats true.
High in the tree, above where Carrows arms were hanging,
strategically positioned to preserve a PG-13 rating, the
naked Assassin glares after them.
At last, we see her face. The Assassin has the pointed,
tapered ears of an elf - and a tattoo identical to Naras.
BLACKOUT.
1/25/12 95.
EPISODE X
EXT. EDGE OF THE RUINS - RUINS OF SUMBRE - DAY 82 82
Wren sits where Tom sat, her head in her hands.
RILK
<We killed the worm. Theres still
some heart left. Unless Grelnok *
ate it all.>
WREN
I cant understand you.
Rilk hesitantly sits by her. They dont look at each other.
RILK
<Its my fault that he took your
book. I shouldnt have come.>
WREN
What are you even doing here?
RILK

WREN
This is not how I saw today playing
out.
RILK

WREN
Ive wanted to roll you in the
nearest haystack since I saw you,
you have no idea.
RILK
<Id never be telling you this if
you could understand me.>
WREN
I cant believe I just said that.
Well, its not like you understand.
She slides off the rock, slings her cloak around her
shoulders. Rilk rises.
1/25/12 96.
RILK
<We can escort you to a trade post.>
WREN
Dont. No more today.
She heads off. Rilk follows. Wren whirls on him.
WREN
Get away from me! You dont even
understand... you cost me my epic!
RILK

WREN
And it had just become something
real, something important! Something
entirely mine, and now its gone!
Cant you understand that?!
RILK

WREN
It was my chance to be remembered
as someone outside my family, and
you cost me that, you hulking-!
(shoves him)
-meddlesome-!
(shoves him)
She pauses to think of the worst insult she can hurl at him.
WREN
-ORC!
WREN (SUBTITLE) *
Orc!
That, Rilk understood. He sets his jaw. Without showing
anything - no anger, no petulance - he turns, strides away.
EXT. EDGE OF THE RUINS - RUINS OF SUMBRE - DAY - TITLE BIT 83 83
Rilk strides away. Wren half-reaches after Rilk, snatches
her hand back. She turns, stalks off the opposite direction.
CAPTION: Episode X: Through Every Trial and Hardship
1/25/12 97.
EXT. EDGE OF THE WOODS - DAY 84 84
Strong Like Bull performs a series of runners stretches.
Perf semi-sulks alongside him.
PERF
Do you really have to go? Theres
so much I could learn from you.
STRONG LIKE BULL
No doubt. But the Swords been
drawn. Great events are in motion.
I must confer with my colleagues.
They have answers I need.
PERF
What do I do? With it and myself?
STRONG LIKE BULL
Youre caught up in prophecy now,
Chosen One, riding on the tides of
history. Whatever happens is meant
to. Youll find your answers.
Perf sags. Strong Like Bull hands him a small talisman.
STRONG LIKE BULL
If you ever find yourself in need
of sanctuary, come to the Turtle
River sect of the Laughing Bear
clan, and tell them you were sent
by Strong Like Bull.
PERF
Thats your name?
STRONG LIKE BULL
The one I was given. Its about as
fitting as the one you use.
He clasps Perfs hand, puts the other hand on his shoulder.
STRONG LIKE BULL
Farewell, wizard who is far from
superfluous!
They shake. Strong Like Bull takes off at a steady run
across the landscape. Perf waves goodbye.
PERF
Farewell! ...actual friend.
1/25/12 98.
He watches Strong Like Bull fade in the distance. Alone, he
kicks the ground. Then he spots flowers - honeysuckle -
growing by a tree. He kneels and picks a handful.
Rilk, steel-faced, marches back to Grelnok and Yart.
YART
<So, how did it go?>
RILK
<Weve wasted enough time here. We
have a Temple to search.>
Grelnok and Yart eye one another.
GRELNOK
<Still? Its late in the year, and
without Kurn->
RILK
<What are you, Orcs or Men? Our
mission hasnt changed! We kill
the Orcslayer or he kills us! We
winter where we winter! With me!>
He pushes through them, strides past them.
YART
<Sergeant? Did you remember to
give her your name?>
Rilk stops. Hurt, hands on hips, he hangs his head.
INT. BEDCHAMBER - TRANSIS - DAY 86 86
The Kings LAUGH through Starling. Karn and Chamberlain step
back, disturbed. The Queen SIGHS, cocks Starlings head.
STARLING
(QUEEN)
You seem surprised to see us, Karn.
I havent the faintest idea why.
(PRINCE)
Ill wager he still thinks we were
trying to kill him.
(KING)
Ha, yes! Wait. Werent we?
(QUEEN)
1/25/12 99.
(MORE)
Oh, you stupid barbarian, this was
never about getting to you.
(KING)
You might have told me it wasnt.
(PRINCE)
No, we coudlnt have you dying as a
martyr, now, could we?
(QUEEN)
That would make you immortal to
those pitiful plebes you coddle.
(PRINCE)
And make them cling even harder to
that ridiculous freedom you
granted them. Entitled bastards.
(KING)
Just so were clear, I for one was
and still am trying to kill you.
KARN
What is it you want?
STARLING
(PRINCE)
Really? Rather slow on the uptake.
(KING)
We want you dead, obviously.
(QUEEN)
But not before youve betrayed your
own legend. Not before your city
gets to watch you abandon the
people, the crown, and the queen
you won - as youre so fond of
reminding us - with your own hand.
Karns eyes go hard as steel.
KARN
Never.
STARLING
(QUEEN)
No? Oh, all right, then. I
suppose well just have to make
Starling swallow this dagger-
(KING)
Or smash her skull to ruin against
those steps-
(PRINCE)
Or traipse her ever so gaily out
the window to do her best rotten
pumpkin on the cobblestones below.
Aaaahhh... splat.
(KING)
1/25/12 100.
STARLING (cont'd)
(MORE)
We really have no shortage of ways
to kill the wayward little
strumpet.
KARN
Youd do that. Youd kill your own
daughter?
STARLING
(QUEEN)
I think we just made that
abundantly clear.
(KING)
Slow on the uptake indeed.
(PRINCE)
So whatll it be, King The
Unpleasant? Abdication, or rotten
pumpkin time?
Starling traipses towards the window while the Kings
SINGrandom discordant LA LA LAs.
KARN
HOLD! Dont hurt her. Please.
Transis is yours.
STARLING
(QUEEN)
I told you he was soft.
Swift as a wolf, Karn rushes to Starling and takes her face
gently in his hands.
KARN
My darling, my love, if youre
still in there, hear me! By the
sun and the moon and the burning
furnace of hell, I will free you!
He kisses her deeply. The Kings give muffled screams.
STARLING
(QUEEN and KING, ad libs)
Blech. Disgusting.
(PRINCE)
Speak for yourself. Man has lips
like a velvet vise.
OMITTED 87 87 *
1/25/12 101.
STARLING (cont'd)
EXT. RIVER - DAY 88 88 *
Carrow, dead-eyed, stands silently among the trees, staring
out at something on the bank of the river. Perf tromps up. *
PERF
Hey. There you are. The Orcs
gone, not that you care. Have you
seen Nar- oh, my. *
Perf stares wide-eyed at what Carrows been looking at. *
Carrow watches without the slightest shred of desire. *
PERF *
Oh, my. Gods Above and Below, we
thank you for this generous bounty.
From the unseen river, Nara lets out an incensed SCREAM. *
NARA (O.S.) *
You-! Hedonists! Turn around!
Perf and Carrow turn around. Perf leans in to Carrow. *
PERF
I want to know everything. Color,
shape, firmness. Symmetry,
curvature. Buoyancy.
CARROW
What?
PERF
Everything! What did you see?
CARROW
The most glorious things I never
cared about.
Her cloak wrapped around her like a towel, Nara storms past,
MUTTERING angrily. Perf follows apologetically.
PERF
Im sorry! To be fair, I didnt
know it was you.
NARA
Get away from me!
PERF
You have really nice skin.
1/25/12 102.
NARA (O.S.)
Away, humie!
Perf follows her off. Carrow stays where he is.
DEATH (O.S.)
A sight like that doesnt stir your
ardor? Youre farther advanced
than I thought.
Carrow turns to find Death standing beside him.
DEATH
You were magnificent. In your
battle against the angel. You
handled it brilliantly. And how
you freed yourself... very clever.
I see you kept a trophy. What a
champion you would make.
(beat)
I do appreciate that you havent
tried to incinerate me again.
CARROW
I lost my holy symbol.
DEATH
You should find another.
CARROW
My faith needs no iconography.
DEATH
Such piety, such devotion.
CARROW
This is a test. Vieris mercy, His
forgiveness, are everlasting.
DEATH
Clearly evidenced by his angel.
(off his glare)
Oh, Carrow. I enjoy you so. I
cannot tell you how refreshing it
is to speak with someone free-
minded, not bound to me at birth.
Carrow strides away from her. She almost frowns.
DEATH
How rude.
1/25/12 103.
EXT. CREEK - DAY 89 89
Wren casually flings her quills pens into the water. She
watches them drift away, SIGHS. Pulls out a map and compass.
WREN
Closest port town is... damn.
The Assassin pops up behind her, puts a knife to Wrens ribs.
ASSASSIN
Give me your clothes.
Wren chances a look over her shoulder, sees the Assassin.
WREN
Oh, wonderful. Its you. And now
youre naked.
ASSASSIN
Your clothes. Give them to me.
Wren reaches for her badge.
WREN
Not that it means anything to you,
but Bardic Imm...
(realizing)
He took my badge. The sodding
sodder took my badge, and now
youre taking my clothes!
ASSASSIN
Leggings, blouse, everything.
WREN
Not the blouse! This is a Rose
City original! It cost me four
hundred-!
The Assassin pokes Wren in the ribs.
WREN
Fine! Take it! Take it all!
(rips off her vest)
Fat and warty!
EXT. NEW CAMPSITE - THE WOODS - DAY 90 90 *
Perf leans his back against the tree. Behind the tree, Nara,
her hair still wet, belts her tunic.
1/25/12 104.
PERF
I didnt know what you were up to.
NARA
Its fine. Dont mention it.
PERF
I really wasnt expecting to catch-
NARA
Dont mention it means dont
mention it. So stop mentioning it.
Fully clothed, she stalks back around the tree. Perf holds
out his waterskin. She looks a question at it, and him.
PERF
Twillbark. In water. Should help
with the headache from the toxin.
Nara accepts the waterskin, sips. The taste is atrocious.
PERF
Its pretty foul. Should have
said. And I made it rather strong.
Naras brow unclenches a bit. She takes another awful sip.
NARA
That does help. A bit. The soak
did, too. Thanks.
PERF
I help where I can. Its not much-
NARA
And thank you... for coming back.
PERF
No thanks deserved. She dragged me
back. I was unconscious at the-
NARA
I meant in the ruins. Its all
still hazy, but that part is clear.
You came back.
She smiles guardedly. Such openness is new to her.
PERF
Well, you know. You cant say
perfect without first saying Perf.
1/25/12 105.
She just stares at him. Perf squirms.
PERF
Id like to structure my apology on
several levels-
Nara unwillingly bursts into LAUGHTER. She cant quash it.
PERF
That bad, huh?
NARA
Oh it was, terrible.
To stop the LAUGHS, she takes another sip. Winces. GIGGLES.
PERF
I have something else for you.
CARROW (O.S.)
Pale Mountain.
They look up as Carrow tromps over.
PERF
What about it? And could I have a
moment?
NARA
The Oracle.
CARROW
Shell answer three questions to
any who can find her. I could ask
her how I can be healed.
PERF
I could ask her how to be rid of
the Sword. Im a walking target
with this thing on my hip.
NARA
And I could ask her...
She trails off. Takes another awful swig.
PERF
Pale Mountain it is, then.
NARA
Its not far if we take the pass.
1/25/12 106.
CARROW
If we leave now, we can be to the
foothills by nightfall.
NARA
Keen.
Carrow nods, heads off intently.
PERF
I have something else for-
NARA
In a bit, Perf.
She tosses him his empty waterskin, strides after Carrow.
Perf watches her go. He pulls a well-crafted headband of
woven honeysuckle out of his robe.
PERF
(to himself)
For you. Because you lost yours in
the tomb. I made it. Mended it,
actually. Out of honeysuckle.
Whats it for? Well, its for you.
It goes on your head. Yes, but
whats it for? Whats your intent?
To give you flowers. Yes, but why?
And so I tell you and you slap this
back in my hands and walk away.
Perf SIGHS, allows himself a bittersweet smile. On cue: *
SWORD *
Its not actually possible to make *
me vomit, but I swear youre *
getting close. *
Perf tucks the headband back in his robe, draws the Sword. *
SWORD *
Seriously, you twinkle so loud its *
a wonder you dont sneeze rainbows. *
PERF *
Hey, look. A river. *
Perf flings the Sword into the river, heads after the others. *
The Sword warps back into Perfs hand, SPUTTERING angrily. *
He flings it into the river again. And again. And again. *
1/25/12 107.
INT. SWORD CHAMBER - TEMPLE OF ALL DOOMS - DAY 91 91
The dark, featureless chamber where Perf drew the sword.
GLORION (O.S.)
Yes. Finally.
Glorion steps into frame, Roderick at his side.
The STONE HANDS extend from the sword altar.
GLORION
Through every trial and hardship,
through countless enemies, I have
endured!
MAGIC swirls between the outstretched hands.
GLORION
Now, to claim my-
The magic resolves - and the Stone Hands are empty.
Glorion gapes, stunned. He grabs the hands, looks them over.
GLORION
But... HOW?
Roderick frowns - then blinks at something. He points.
Glorion looks where Roderick is pointing - toward the single
thread of yellow fabric stuck between the fingers of a Stone
Hand... a scrap of Perfs unmistakable yellow robe. *
Glorion pulls it out, examines it with dawning comprehension.
GLORION
Perf...
CUT TO a Shawshank Redemption screaming-at-ceiling shot.
GLORION
PEEEEEEEEEEERF!
BLACKOUT.
ANGLE ON: Roderick, shocked.
RODERICK
I saw that coming.
BLACKOUT.
1/25/12 108.
END OF SEASON 2.
1/25/12 109.
DVD BONUS SHORT
ANIMATED BACKGROUND PLATE A91 A91
The Watchers maps, maps of the Temple of All Dooms, fade in
and out of each other in a moving montage.
CAPTION: The Founder and the Architect
HOLD on a map of one room: the sword chamber.
DISSOLVE TO:
INT. SWORD CHAMBER - TEMPLE OF ALL DOOMS (ALREADY SHOT) 92 92
Perf touches the Sword. It falls into his hands.
PERF
Oh, thats not good.
NARA
What did you do?
Behidn them, the PHANTOM HEAD shimmers into existence.
PHANTOM HEAD
The fates have aligned. What was
augured has come to pass. Hail,
Chosen One!
MATCH CUT TO:
INT. WATCHERS ROOM - TEMPLE OF ALL DOOMS - THE PAST 93 93
The Phantom Head - that of the FOUNDER of the Temple -
pauses. Smacks his lips. Looks off.
FOUNDER
How was that?
Cut to wide. The Founder is standing in front of a green
tapestry in the Watchers Room, which looks brand new.
CAPTION: Several centuries ago...
NOMICON - the black-robed Architect of the Dooms - looks up
from a tiny crystal ball at on a table.
1/25/12 110.
NOMICON
We got it.
FOUNDER
I could do another one. A fun one.
NOMICON
No need, its imprinted on the
crystal. Your vague little
greeting will address your Chosen
One when ve touches the Sword.
FOUNDER
Excellent! And the defenses?
NOMICON
Ready to activate. Then its just
a matter of sealing and concealing
the outer walls, and your trap-
laden tomb of terrors will be
complete.
FOUNDER
I had a note on that, actually.
The Founder crosses to his desk and shuffles through some
blueprints. Nomicon follows warily.
FOUNDER
The entrance to the Temple must be
completely hidden, undetectable.
Nigh impossible to find.
NOMICON
Its solid stone all the way
around.
FOUNDER
Which is why I need a marker
outside to indicate where it is.
NOMICON
Sorry, a... what?
FOUNDER
A marker. Like one of those
pillars with the riddles on them.
What are they called?
NOMICON
Riddle pillars.
1/25/12 111.
FOUNDER
Right, one of those.
NOMICON
Isnt the point for this Temple to
fade form memory? To live in
legend and not be found?
FOUNDER
Well, I need some way for future
guardians to get in.
NOMICON
The Dooms are the guardian! A
series of deadly and diabolical
traps only your Chosen One could
complete!
The Founder indicates a spot on the map.
FOUNDER
Im thinking right here by the
river. Oo, make river the answer
to the riddle. I like that.
NOMICON
You want the answer to be river.
You want the answer to be the main
geographical feature next to the
pillar.
FOUNDER
Same wavelength, you and I.
NOMICON
Actually, while were on the
subject of pillars, there was
something I wanted to check. One
of the Dooms you designed.
Nomicon crosses behind the table, where he fishes a blueprint
out of the stack. He points to a spot on it.
NOMICON
Yes, here in the first room. The
bowl of hellfire.
FOUNDER
Yes! A brilliantly devious Doom,
and such a horrid way for unworthy
interlopers to perish!
1/25/12 112.
NOMICON
Right. Question, though, and I may
just be overlooking this: Whats to
keep someone from ramming down the
door with the pedestal?
The Founder blinks at him.
NOMICON
Also... couldnt they just overturn
the bowl and dump out the key? The
key itself isnt on fire. Any why
limit the hellfire to the bowl?
Wouldnt it be far more effective
to set all the air aflame the
moment someone enters the room?
That would even melt the corridor
to slag and seal the passage.
FOUNDER
Are you telling me how to do my
job? Because it sounds like youre
telling me how to do my job.
NOMICON
Look, if the goal is to kill
intruders, why all this cat and
mouse nonsense? Here-
He pulls out another blueprint.
NOMICON
-these gargoyles. Youve only got
them talking. Theyre not
attacking why? They could
literally grab someone and throw
ver down the Doom-hole! Or here-
He pulls out a third blueprint.
NOMICON
-the face the specter of your past
self room. Its poetic, yes, but-
FOUNDER
But what?
NOMICON
Its just... why not collapse the
ceiling, crush them to hummus?
1/25/12 113.
FOUNDER
You clearly dont understand what
Im going for.
NOMICON
Do we have different definitions of
doom? Because mines death,
destruction, and decay. Is or is
not the point of the Dooms to
slaughter every single soul that
enters the temple?!
FOUNDER
Well, no.
Nomicon does a double take, eyes the Founder suspiciously.
NOMICON
I dont think I heard you right.
FOUNDER
The goal is not to make the Temple
perfectly lethal.
NOMICON
I need to sit down.
He does. The Founder pours him a drink.
FOUNDER
The purpose of the Dooms is to kill
everyone but the Chosen One and vis
allies. So there needs to be
enough of a chance of survival for
fate to kick in.
NOMICON
But... I really like to kill people.
FOUNDER
I know. Its why I hired you.
NOMICON
Im a necromancer. Its what I do!
Intentionally leaving margin for
error? Im gonna throw up.
FOUNDER
Youll still be killing the over-
whelming majority of the visitors.
Thats got to count for something.
1/25/12 114.
NOMICON
Couldnt I deadly up the Dooms a
bit? A poison gas vent here or
there? An electrified floor? A
lava pit, anything.
FOUNDER
Were over budget as it is.
He pours Nomicon another drink, which Nomicon slams.
NOMICON
Okay. One final question. Why did
you build here?
FOUNDER
What do you mean?
NOMICON
This is river country. You built
your temple under a land of soft
stone and moving water. Arent you
worried about erosion?
FOUNDER
Hm?
INT. SWORD CHAMBER - TEMPLE OF ALL DOOMS (ALREADY SHOT) 94 94
In the distant future, Perf and Nara crash through the
ceiling and SLAM into the floor.
INT. WATCHERS ROOM - TEMPLE OF ALL DOOMS - THE PAST 95 95
The Founder considers, dismisses the concern.
FOUNDER
No, not really. Cheers.
They clink goblets.
BLACKOUT.
1/25/12 115.

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