THE BEST BEER

After the Great Britain Beer Festival, in London, all the brewery presidents dec
ided to go out for a beer. The guy from Corona sits down and says, "Hey Seor, I w
ould like the world's best beer, a Corona."
The bartender dusts off a bottle from the shelf and gives it to him. The guy fro
m Budweiser says, "I'd like the best beer in the world, give me 'The King Of Bee
rs', a Budweiser."
The bartender gives him one. The guy from Coors says, "I'd like the only beer ma
de with Rocky Mountain spring water, give me a Coors."
He gets it. The guy from Guinness sits down and says, "Give me a Coke."
The bartender is a little taken aback, but gives him what he ordered. The other
brewery presidents look over at him and ask, "Why aren't you drinking a Guinness
?"
The Guinness president replies, "Well, if you guys aren't drinking beer, neither
will I."
DRINKS OF THE NEW MILLENNIUM
Absolute Zero = Absolut vodka over frozen nitrogen
Alexander the Grrreat = Gin, creme de cacao, and sweet cream over corn flakes
American in Paris = Kentucky bourbon and champagne
Black Sabbath = Kahlua and Mogen David wine
Blind Faith = Wood alcohol and sacramental wine
Blood Clot = Vodka, tomato juice, and Jell-O
Bloody Awful = Vodka and ketchup
Blue Moon = Corn whiskey and Aqua Velva
Coleman Cooler = White wine, soda, fried chicken crumbs, and sand
Fuzzy Naval Base = Peach schnapps, orange juice, and ammonia
George Bush = George Dickel bourbon and Busch beer
Gorbachev = Vodka with a splash of port wine
Honeydew the Dishes = Midori and Dawn
Marie Antoinette = Bourbon, cake mix, and flat beer
Martinizer = Gin, vermouth, and carbon tetrachloride
Mary Poppins = Vodka, tomato juice, and a spoonful of sugar
Mexican Hairless = Tequila and Minoxidil
Oil of Ole = Mazola and Sangria
Peter, Paul, and Mary = Potassium nitrate, Paul Masson wine, and tomato juice
Phillips' Screwdriver = Vodka, orange juice, and milk of magnesia
Port in a Storm = Red wine and rainwater
Quack Doctor = Cold duck and Dr. Pepper
A Rum with a View = Bacardi and Visine
Rum-Pole of the Bailey = Bacardi rum, Popov vodka, and Bailey's Irish Cream
Sake-to-me = Rice wine, punch, and nitrous oxide
Scotch Tapeworm = Dewar's and Mescal
Shipwreck = Cutty Sark on the rocks
Short Wave = Ripple in a shot glass, ginger, syrup, and pomegranate
Sinead O'Connor = Irish whiskey and Nair
Skid Roe = Muscatel and caviar
Sour Kraut = Schnapps and lemon juice
Sundae Driver = Vodka, orange juice, and ice cream
Tequila Mockingbird = Jose Cuervo and birdseed
Starkle, starkle, little twink,
Who the hell are you I think.
I'm not under what you call,
The alcofluence of incohol.
I'm just a little slort of sheep,
I'm not drunk like thinkle peep.
I don't know who is me yet,
But the drunker I stand here the longer I get.
So just give me one more fink to drill my cup,
'Cause I got all day sober to Sunday up.
A feminist walks into a bar that has a sign marked: "For Men Only."
"I'm sorry, ma'am," says the bartender. "We only serve men in this place."
"That's OK, "she says. "I'll take two of them."
Political Science 101
Capitalism, American Style
You have two cows. You sell one, buy a bull, and build a herd of cows.
Democracy, American Style
The government promises to give you two cows, if you vote for it. After the elec
tion, the president is impeached for speculating in cow futures. The press dubs
the affair "Cowgate," but supports the president. The cow sues you for breach of
contract. Your legal bills exceed your annual income. You settle out of court a
nd declare bankruptcy.
Democracy, American Style
You have two cows. The government taxes you to the point you have to sell both t
o support a man in a foreign country who has only one cow, which was a gift from
your government.
American Corporation
You have two cows. You sell one, lease it back to yourself and do an IPO on the
2nd one. You force the 2 cows to produce the milk of four cows. You are surprise
d when one cow drops dead. You spin an announcement to the analysts stating you
have downsized and are reducing expenses. Your stock goes up.
Bureaucracy
You have two cows. At first the government regulates what you can feed them and
when you can milk them. Then it pays you not to milk them. Then it takes both, s
hoots one, milks the other and pours the milk down the drain. Then it requires y
ou to fill out forms accounting for the missing cows.
Bureaucratic Socialism
You have two cows. The government takes them and puts them in a barn with everyo
ne else's cows. They are cared for by ex-chicken farmers. You have to take care
of the chickens the government took from the chicken farmers. The government giv
es you as much milk and eggs the regulations say you should need.
Communist
You have two cows. The government seizes both and provides you with milk. You wa
it in line for hours to get it. It is expensive and sour.
Applied Communism
You have two cows. You have to take care of them, but the government takes all t
he milk.
Counterculture
Whoa, dude, theres like...uh, two cows, man. Uh, like, you have really got to do
some of this milk, like, fer shure, its awesome, man.
Democrat
You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. You feel guilty for being successful.
You vote people into office that put a tax on your cows, forcing you to sell on
e to raise money to pay the tax. The people you voted for then take the tax mone
y, buy a cow and give it to your neighbor. You feel righteous. Barbara Streisand
sings for you.
Republican
You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. So?
Anarchy
You have two cows. Either you sell the milk at a fair price or your neighbors tr
y to take the cows and kill you.
Communism
You have two cows. Your neighbors help you take care of them, and you all share
the milk.
Democracy
You have two cows. All your neighbors decide who gets the milk.
Socialism
You have two cows. The government takes one and gives it to your neighbor. You f
orm a cooperative to tell him how to manage his cow.
Pure Socialism
You have two cows. The government takes them and puts them in a barn with everyo
ne else's cows. You have to take care of all the cows. The government gives you
as much milk as you need.
Fascism
You have two cows. The government takes both, hires you to take care of them, an
d sells you the milk.
Dictatorship
You have two cows. The government takes both and shoots you.
Feudalism
You have two cows. Your lord takes some of the milk.
Anarcho-Capitalism
You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull.
Militarism
You have two cows. The government takes both and drafts you into the army.
Representative Democracy
You have two cows. Your neighbors pick someone to tell you who gets the milk.
European Democracy
You have two cows. At first the government regulates what you can feed them and
when you can milk them. Then it pays you not to milk them. After that it takes b
oth, shoots one, milks the other and pours the milk down the drain. Then it requ
ires you to fill out forms accounting for the missing cows.
British Democracy
You have two cows. You feed them sheep's brains and they go mad. The government
doesn't do anything.
German Corporation
You have two cows. You engineer them so they are all blond, drink lots of beer,
give excellent quality milk, and run a hundred miles an hour. Unfortunately they
demand 13 weeks of vacation per year.
French Corporation
You have two cows. You go on strike because you want three cows. You go to lunch
. Life is good.
Italian Corporation
You have two cows but you don't know where they are. While ambling around, you s
ee a beautiful woman. You break for lunch. Life is good.
Japanese Corporation
You have two cows. You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordina
ry cow and produce twenty times the milk. They learn to travel on unbelievably c
rowded trains. Most are at the top of their class at cow school.
Singaporean Democracy
You have two cows. The government fines you for keeping unlicensed farm animals
in an apartment.
Enron Capitalism
You have two cows. You sell three of them to your publicly traded company, using
letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a deb
t/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows bac
k, with a tax exemption for five cows. The milk rights of the six cows are trans
ferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island company secretly owned by the majo
rity shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows' milk back to your liste
d company. The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on
one more. Repeat as necessary until you have $62 billion in assets, then declar
e bankruptcy.
Cambodian Communism
You have two cows. The government takes both and shoots you.
Mexican Democracy
You have two cows. The government takes both, shoots you and sends the cows to Z
urich.
Florida Corporation
You have a black cow and a brown cow. Everyone votes for the best looking one. S
ome of the people who like the brown one best, vote for the black one. Some peop
le vote for both. Some people vote for neither. Some people can't figure out how
to vote at all. Finally, a bunch of guys from out-of-state tell you which is th
e best-looking one.
New York Corporation
You have fifteen million cows. You have to choose which one will be the leader o
f the herd, so you pick some fat cow from Arkansas.
Polish Corporation
You have two bulls. Employees are regularly maimed and killed attempting to milk
them.
Political Correctness
You are associated with (the concept of ownership is a symbol of the phallo-centri
c, warmongering, intolerant past) two differently aged (but no less valuable to
society) bovines of non-specified gender. You are torn by feelings of guilt, you
r psychotherapist recommends a treatment center. You spend six weeks there, paid
for by the community health plan, and graduate into Guilty Anonymous.
Russian Communism
You have two cows. You have to take care of them, but the government takes all t
he milk.
Russian Corporation
You have two cows. You have some vodka. You count them and learn you have five c
ows. You have some more vodka. You count them again and learn you have 42 cows.
You count them again and learn you have 12 cows. You stop counting cows and open
another bottle of vodka. You produce your 10th, 5-year plan in the last 3 month
s. The Mafia shows up and takes over however many cows you really have.
Taliban Corporation
You have all the cows in Afghanistan, which are two. You don't milk them because
you cannot touch any creature's private parts. Then you kill them and claim a U
S bomb blew them up while they were in the hospital.
Iraqi Corporation
You have two cows. They go in hiding. They send radio tapes of their mooing.
Totalitarianism
You have two cows. The government takes them and denies they ever existed. Milk
is banned.
California Happy Cows
Crowd herd of happy fun loving cows into a small dirt lot. Feed cows weeds. Hire
Hollywood to show commercial of happy cows in green pastures. Smoke weed left o
ver from cow feeding. Make millions selling "Happy Milk."
Surrealism
You have two giraffes. The government requires you to take harmonica lessons.
A journalist had done a story on gender roles in Kuwait several years before the
Gulf War, and she noted then that women customarily walked about 10 feet behind
their husbands. She returned to Kuwait recently and observed that the men now w
alked several yards behind their wives.
She approached one of the women for an explanation. "This is marvelous," said th
e journalist. "What enabled women here to achieve this reversal of roles?"
The Kuwaiti women replied, "Land mines."
1. WHY ARE MEN SUCH JERKS?
It's a testosterone thing. Much similar to your PMS thing, we men suffer from te
stosterone poisoning. Why do you think the average life span of a male is typica
lly 10 years shorter (and it's not just from all the bitching and nagging we hav
e to endure)? Hormone modifies behavior. We're just misunderstood.
2. WHY DO MEN ALWAYS HAVE TO OGLE AT OTHER WOMEN?
Again, this is a testosterone thing. Do you honestly think that all the testoste
rone just fell out of our bodies the moment we met you? Besides, women do it as
well. Women are just much better at not getting caught. I'm fairly certain it's
some sort of photographic memory deal. Women take one quick look and memorize it
for later reference. Since men lack this ability, we try to burn it into our me
mory by staring as much as we can.
3. WHY DO MEN ALWAYS TOUCH THEMSELVES, ESPECIALLY IN PUBLIC?
We occasionally need to adjust "junior" and make him happy. It's much like adjus
ting your bra. Being in public is just an added bonus.
4. WHY DO MEN ALWAYS SAY SUCH STUPID THINGS?
We like to. It's actually a whole lot of fun to see our partner frustrated by a
few simple (and well chosen) words.
5. WHY ARE MEN SO UNCOMMUNICATIVE?
You'd learn to keep your big mouth shut too if every time you open it you get in
to trouble with your partner.
6. WHY DO MEN HAVE TO ACT LIKE SUCH RETARDS?
Well, we don't actually have to; we do it because we enjoy it. It's the old fash
ioned pride in a job well done that's missing in so much of the world nowadays.
7. WHY CAN'T MEN JUST SHARE THEIR FEELINGS?
Do we look like women to you? Why is it so hard to understand that men and women
are different? How are we supposed to share how we feel when we have no idea ho
w we feel? Unless we're experiencing some extreme emotion like rage, hatred, dis
gust, or a brick on our foot, we have no idea how we feel. Personally, I get a h
eadache whenever I try to figure out how I feel.
8. WHY CAN'T MEN CUDDLE MORE (I.E. LIE DOWN AND HUG)?
Please... How many hours do you think there is in a day? We oblige you as much a
s we can, but who the hell (besides women) can stand lying around for hours on e
nd? We men... Men hunters... Need go roam... Starve in cave... Must go find wild
ebeest...Now sitting on our asses for hours on end on the other hand is a whole
other story.
9. HOW CAN MEN SIT ON THEIR ASSES ALL DAY WITHOUT MOVING?
Men have very powerful sets of sitting muscles developed by evolution that enabl
e us to sit for extended periods of time without getting tired. In prehistoric t
imes, it was often necessary to sit in one spot for extended periods of time whi
le hunting for prey. The more successful hunters were able to sit very still for
very extended periods of time thereby passing on this ability to their sons. Th
e fidgety types were all gobbled up by saber toothed tigers etc. The end result
is that almost all modern men are born with this innate ability.
10. WHY CAN'T MEN JUST SAY "I LOVE YOU?"
Men are taught from a tender young age to be self-sufficient. To say that we lov
e you is equivalent to saying that we need you. Most men consider that a charact
er fault. It's not easy to admit to one's own character faults.
11. WHY DO MEN SAY "I LOVE YOU" WHEN THEY HARDLY KNOW ME?
Ho, Ho, Ho... Aren't you special? Well, some men think it's a sure fire way to g
et into your pants. Surprisingly, it actually still works quite well.
12. WHY DOESN'T MY PARTNER EVER ANSWER ME?
We just simply don't have the energy to answer every single one of your question
s. If we think we do not have the answer, or that you will not like the answer,
we simply remain quiet and save the energy for other things.
13. WHY WON'T MEN EVER PICK UP AFTER THEMSELVES?
Why should we? It doesn't really bother us that much. Besides, we know darn well
you'll pick it up.
14. WHAT'S WITH ALL THE BELCHING AND FARTING?
This usually only occurs after months of courting. It's our way to let you know
that we're comfortable with you. Believe it or not, its actually a sign of affec
tion. Besides, holding it for extended periods of time gives us stomach cramps.
15. WHY DO MEN HATE SHOPPING?
It's an evolutionary thing. Men hunt. Women gather. We just want to go out, kill
it, and bring it back. Who wants to spend hours and hours to look at things we
have no intention of killing? Err... buying?