<Tall Israeli> I think just about anyone who meets me and talks to me for long e

nough comes to terms with the fact that I am a very sick, twisted person. Also f
actor in a few mountain dews, a Peer-to-Peer connection, and boredom and you get
what might be the funniest combination imaginable.
I had been downloading music yesterday evening. Led Zeppelin, REO Speedwagon, Fl
ock of Seagulls, things like that. Then I realized that it'd be a funny joke to
play on people if I were to change "Keep on Rolling" to "Hot Lesbian Sex". I wat
ched as within minutes this file got 50 downloads. I was astounded.
Then the Tom got an idea.
An awful idea.
The Tom got a wonderful awful idea.
What if, perhaps, I was to change some of these names to sick pornography titles
? I wonder if I'd get any bites?
And this is where the fun begins.
The first title I put up was "Naked boys dancing and eating cake." I sat in anti
cipation, waiting for my first download. Success, the first download came. Then
the second. Then the third. This baby was steamrolling down the information supe
r highway like a trucker with a hardon that has 2 miles left to the next truck s
top. Before I knew it, I was getting twenty downloads. Then thirty. Then fifty.
Can you imagine that in the end, rather than getting dancing boys naked and indu
lging themselves with sweets and frolicking in a dewy meadow, one-hundred thirty
two people got a disappointing video of Led Zeppelin performing "Dazed and Conf
used" in front of a live audience? At this point, I had no choice but to continu
e.
The second title I put up was "My Ex-Girlfriend mowing the lawn naked." I though
t that this was too far out to get any downloads. Alas, I was wrong. It got a do
wnload. Then two. Then thirty. In the end, seventy-eight sweaty, drooling fudges
wanted to see my ex girlfriend mow the lawn stark naked. She's not even that ho
t. Rather then get their lawn-mowing beauty, they got the song "Ozone baby."
For the third title, I decided to transform "White Wedding" into the more intrig
uing "Elephant cock horse." I wish I could say I was kidding when this thing was
downloaded one hundred eighty seven times. I guess there is something about hor
ses and elephants showing their cocks that bring out the best in people. I nearl
y died of laughter at this point. "How can nearly two hundred people want to see
naked animals? They're ALWAYS naked!" For sanctity's sake, we're going to leave
this as a mystery. I hope I turned some people on to Billy Idol, hopefully dist
racting them long enough to forget that masturbating to horse and elephant genit
alia are not really something their mothers would be proud of.
I couldn't stop myself from doing another. "Grandma Bingo Sex." Short and sweet.
I couldn't stop myself from amusing.........myself..... "Grandma Bingo Sex." Su
rely not a common scenario, and surely not a scenario that would arouse many a t
wisted psyche. Apparently I know nothing about the human psyche. One hundred twe
nty two. ONE HUNDRED TWENTY TWO PEOPLE would like to see grandma getting bent ov
er the bingo table, game card in hand, getting donkey punched by a 90 year old a
ddle brained porn star. I rubbed my eyes just to double check. My eyes had to be
lying to my brain. My penis had shriveled to the size of a 2 day old Wendys chi
cken nugget.
They asked for Grandma.
They got Joan Jett.
At this point I had to start taking puffs of my albuteral inhaler to keep from s
uffocating myself with laughter. "Girl on girl toe insertion (LEGAL)" was my nex
t proud creation. Everyone likes 38 Special, so everyone won't feel like such du
mb-asses after downloading this footy piece of crap. Never underestimate the ine
rtia traveling behind a toe inserting itself into a rectum, friends. It's like a
fudging semi hurling down Interstate 40 in the noonday sun. One hundred twelve
people wanted to jerk to this. God have mercy on us.
At this point, for some odd reason, the user name "Enraged Baboon" popped into m
y head. "Enraged Baboon fudging a nipple factory." No way in hell would this get
many downloads. Who could possibly type in any or all of those keywords? I gues
s people like seeing sweaty red-ass baboons, nostrils flaring, banging their che
sts like Marky Mark in the movie "Fear", having sex WITH each other in a factory
that produces baby-bottle nipples. Imagine what those children would look like.
One hundred seventy two people typed those magic words into Limewire, and got a
hot steaming pile of monkey love. Well, it was Pink Floyd, but a man can dream,
cant he?
This could all seem very disturbing. My final experiment, however, made me dizzy
as my precious sack retreated into my pelvis. ...THREE PEOPLE...three disgustin
g, drooling, perverted, fudged up people, wielding a box of Puffs Plus and a tub
e of Vaseline Intensive Care Lotion, bright eyed and bushy tailed, wanted to see
"An emu taking a vicious dump." How does one take a VICIOUS dump and how does a
n EMU take one, for that matter?
Ladies and gentlemen: this is why I have lost every last ounce of faith in human
ity.
If I may quote Method:
"You're going to make a lot of sick people very unhappy."
<evilada>: Best suicide plan ever
<mcm310>: what is it?
<evilada>: you go up to the top of a roof
<evilada>: string piano wire tight across the front edge at neck level
<evilada>: tie a cord to your foot and the other end to the building so that you
'll be above sidewalk level when its fully stretched
<evilada>: then you put super glue on your hands
<evilada>: and put your arms around the front of the wire and then back to touch
your head
<evilada>: then you lean forward, so the piano wire cuts your neck but not your
elbows
<evilada>: when the cord goes taut, youll be hanging upside down with no head...
.except your head will be in your outstretched arms thanks to gravity and the gl
ue, staring at someone upside down and spewing blood everywhere.
<evilada>: And some poor bastard will be traumatized for LIFE.
<mcm310>: i dont think i can be your friend anymore
Aristotle was not Belgian, the principle of Buddhism is not "every man for himse
lf", and the London Underground is not a political movement. - A Fish Called Wan
da