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He Said She Said: Gender Communication

I found the entire gender section of the class very intriguing and thought provoking! The class
lecture was very practical for every day use - whether in personal relationships between spouse,
significant other, or partner, as well as extended family, associates, girlfriends, etc. I will attempt
to compare and contrast the male and female genders by utiliing the movies !wingers and !teel
"agnolias to show the similarities and differences, and inter#ect my opinions throughout the
paper. I will try to show the two genders living in two very different communities and how they
function in these communities as men and women.
The class material was very helpful, while I am always intrigued at communication between two
or more individuals and watching their personalities kick in, the gender communication piece
really brought several things home for me. I found the information to be very true in my opinion
and did not disagree with any of the examples, comparisons, or descriptions.
$or example, during the Asking Questions section of the class lecture, I could relate to so many
instances between my husband and me with regard to asking %uestions, getting the information
and moving on to the next topic. &hile we have great communication, I am amaed at how
much he doesn't know about someone or something. $or instance, he can be talking with a male
neighbor for thirty minutes while taking a break from yard work and not have any (scoop) as I
call it - he doesn't know what they are doing for the holidays, he doesn't know how their
daughter's piano recital went, he doesn't ask about their #obs, etc. I do not understand how men
seem to be able to talk for thirty minutes and return without any information. I, on the other
hand, can drive into the neighborhood, roll my window down to talk with one of the female
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neighbors and within five minutes I am aware of holiday plans, kitchen renovations, her
husband's #ob stress, etc. etc. +s women, we listen, but we ask %uestions and we cover
information very %uickly in a short amount of time and are ready to move on to the next activity
- which for me, would involve sharing what I #ust learned from my neighbor over a glass of wine
with my husband. &ho, will say to me, (I didn't know they were renovating their kitchen.) To
which I reply, (,es you did, I told you last week when I saw -ane in .arris Teeter.) +nd/the
vicious cycle continues.
+ few bits of information that I gleaned from the text0 women are more interested in sharing
emotional intimacy and discuss personal matters more openly. +lso, regarding gender and
conflict, the text states that men are more aggressive than women and both genders express anger
e%ually. I would agree with all of these points, but I know that my husband and I both get angry,
but rarely with each other. It usually involves an incident at work or something we have read in
the newspaper.
The text also states that females compromise more than men in order settle and keep peace. I
also believe this to be true. In a work environment, I have witnessed men being more direct
with one another in a one-on-one relationship and in group settings. "en typically express their
feelings to one another and can be very intense, during a morning meeting for example, but go to
lunch together a few hours later or grab a beer after work and all is fine. $emales may
compromise, but they will continue to revisit the situation with their spouse or partner in a
personal relationship, as well as, in a work or social environment.
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&omen also seem likely to verbally and nonverbally express a wide range of feelings more than
men. &omen are talkers and we like to share, so it makes sense that our gender uses both verbal
and non-verbal communication to express our wide range of emotions, thoughts, and opinions.
"en seem to #ust speak in simple terms, express with few words, and move on to the evening
news. &omen, need to communicate with their hands, get close to the other person, use
escalation when describing the story, etc.
The book also discusses how men do not express feelings regarding their vulnerability - fear
sadness, loneliness or embarrassment, this would show (being one down). .owever, to (be one
up), men have no problem touting their strengths and power that set them apart from the others
in their circle or with a significant other. The text shared a piece of information that I found
interesting that married men become more expressive later in life. There is a twenty-two year
age difference between my husband and I and I can confirm that my husband is very expressive,
but he always has been with me. .is daughter, who I am very close to, has often said that her
dad is still %uiet and reserved - one who is thoughtful about what he says, but does seem to have
become more open and expressive in recent years. &hile our relationship is much different than
the one he shared with his first wife, I do think he is more open and expressive with me. I would
like to think it is me, but I think this may confirm what the book states, that this happens over
time.
I also think as females, we become more mellow over time, as well. "y mother was always very
concerned about having a clean house, being organied, planning ahead, taking control of things
for the family and extended family. 2ow, after being a widow for many years, she remains very
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independent and does not have the perfect house. I think as we get older, we realie what is
really important in life and what is trivial. I, along with my cousins, have said that we seem to
be mellowing these days, in our forties. 4ossibly, we have taken lessons from our mothers and
%uite possibly, this is why men become more expressive later in life. They have come to the
conclusion that self expression in not only important for them, but for those close to them.
I en#oyed viewing the movies for this pro#ect and while the plots and characters are vastly
different, they were both great examples of how men and woman communicate. If I had seen the
movies last year, I would have simply watched them for entertainment as I have with !teel
"agnolias many times. I had not seen !wingers until a few weeks ago. &atching them as a
review for this paper, gave me a entirely new perspective on how our two genders communicate
or do not communicate with one another. "oving forward, I will continue to look at movies,
read books, and communicate with those in my various circles in a whole new light.
!wingers centers around two main characters, "ike and Trent, who are both starving actors on
the west coast. Two other characters include 5ob, who is an old friend of "ike's and seems to
play the caregiver role and a man named !ue, the rogue character. "ike has #ust broken up with
his girlfriend, "ichelle, after dating her for six years. &hen he moved from 2ew ,ork to
6alifornia, she did not follow him Trent, is the cocky new best friend who has an answer for
everything! In typical male fashion, he thinks taking "ike to 7as 8egas for the weekend will
help him (get over "ichelle) and get him (back into the game). There are many connotations
throughout the movie that discuss winners and losers, scoring large, and being involved in
(game-like) activities. This is typical of the male gender as men like to be involved in group
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activities, such as playing games. &hile the four characters spend %uite a bit of time together,
they come in and out of each other's life throughout the film. &hile I cannot relate to the any of
the characters in the movie, I can certainly appreciate their individual stories. The movie depicts
how guys simply (fit in) as they come in contact with each other. The men in the movie have
very sparse apartments, swear %uite a bit, and go away for a guys weekend to distract themselves
from reality. They travel in packs when going out on $riday and !aturday evenings, smoking
cigars and (looking for action). +gain, very macho type of activities where it becomes easy to
show off in front of each other. There are several scenes in the movie where the characters (one
up) each other - including a card game and video game nights. 6ompared to females, men are
typically not planners. This plays out perfectly in the movie when the guys (meet up) to go to a
party - no one really knows the host and has never been to the person's house. The party begins
at : - they plan to meet at :0;;, stop at a bar or two along the way and then arrive by midnight.
"ale friends tend to gather at a local bar, restaurant or club. This becomes (their place) - a place
that is a stopping off point before going home from work or play a round of golf on the
weekends. In the movie, the local hangouts were the <resden and the <erby, where most
everyone knew each other or it appeared to be this way. <uring the movie, "ike's friends offer
advice on how to pick up a girl at the bar, and ask for her phone number in a debonair sort of
way. "ike is amaed at how his friend, Trent, can meet someone within five minutes of entering
a bar. There is much debate among the group about some of the) rules), for instance, how long
do you wait until you call someone= This relates to , as the male gender wants to solve
problems and move forward. <uring the movie, there is a scene where the four friends are
walking to their cars after being out and they have a (brush up) with a group of other guys they
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encounter along the way. !ue, pulls a surprise move and pulls a gun out - harsh words are
exchanged and everyone goes their separate ways. + few days pass and the next thing you know
- everyone is gathered to play video games and everyone has become friends. This is another
great example of how the characters one up each other and play their strengths against one
another. The movie concludes when "ike meets 7orraine at a bar and they seem to have a
connection. The next morning, "ike receives a call from his long lost love, "ichelle -
$I2+77,. .e receives another call at the same time and it?s 7orraine. "ike suddenly realies
that he is over "ichelle - there is no magic when he hears her voice. .e %uickly ends the
conversation and continues talking with 7orraine and a date is made. The game is over! +t the
end of the day, whether you are male or female, you must trust your own instincts and do what is
right for you - follow your own rules and listen to your heart.
!teel "agnolias is set in small town 7ouisiana and centers around the lives of six women0
"'7ynn - the strong mother of !helby, who is a lovely young woman about to get married and is
also a diabetic@ Truvy, the local beauty shop owner, Auiser and 6lairee - two very different
woman who truly love each other for who they are, and finally, +nnelle, a newcomer with a past
who undergoes a complete transformation before the movie ends. The characters cover a range
of personalities, ages, opinions, and backgrounds. The movie portrays many facets of life -
small town events, weddings, break-ups, new beginnings, illness and death. +ll through the
movie, the ladies gather at the beauty shop to discuss their woes, voice concerns and complaints
and, of course, receive a color treatment, set and wash, and hair cuts. +ll the while, the ladies are
solving the problems of the world and adding a bit of gossip. Their circle is strong and though
everyone is very different, they depend on each other for support. "any of the scenes are set in
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Truvy's shop and the conversations circle around !helby's upcoming wedding. <uring each
scene, you can clearly witness the symmetrical feminine style. Cach character is helping the
others feel comfortable and making connections with all of them. They constantly return
compliments and share similar stories - however, I often think they shared information #ust to
keep the conversations going. This is a perfect example of What is Talk for= This group of
women was not comfortable with silence for long periods of time. The ladies are empathetic,
they touch each other's hand for comfort and offer hugs. +t the shop, they physically move
closer to each other when they are sharing gossip and speak in %uiet tones and move away from
one another when they are talking about everyday matters.
I have watched this movie several times over the years and I always find similarities between
myself, the characters, and those in my circle of friends. "y friend, +my, could easily play the
part of "'7ynn. The one who is always planning the next event and the pillar of strength for the
group. !tacy, could play the part of !helby. !he is a fighter and lives for the moment. 7ike
!helby, several years ago, she faced her own illness when she was diagnosed with cancer. !he
%uickly sent out a set of rules to friends re%uesting that we not focus on the (6) word, that we do
not cry and that we pray to our higher power of choice. +drienne, could certainly move right
into the world of +nnelle, the youngest of the group with a past. !he, like +nnelle, completely
transformed her life and shares a wonderful life with a man who cherishes her and their son.
6lairee and Auiser could be "egan and +nita - who have never met each other, but are both
funny, opinionated, full of passion, and remain true to themselves and their beliefs. I could be
Truvy the peacemaker. The one who #ust wants everything to be right and everyone to be happy
while doing the right thing. 7ike the characters in !teel "agnolias, my friends and I share
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special bonds collectively and one on one. &e support each other - we may disagree, but agree
to disagree and accept each other for our authentic selves. !imilar to !teel "agnolias, our
backgrounds and personalities are vastly different, our ages, occupations, strengths and
weaknesses are on different ends of the spectrum. &e move in close when we need support and
separate to the far corners when we need our space. +t the end of the day, regardless of the
circle, we support each other and appreciate and respect the bond that ties us together.
<uring the holiday party at "'7ynn's house, !helby announces that she is pregnant and everyone
is thrilled, except "'7ynn. !he is very concerned about !helby's diabetes and her health. The
ladies come together and support both women in different ways, but in ways that do not offend
the other person. They respect each other as individuals. The conclusion of the movie is very
intense with scenes at !helby's funeral. "'7ynn is trying to be proper and keep her emotions
under control, her friends are right beside her and following her to catch her as she falls, as she
%uestions out loud how this could happen. The tears begin and her anger escalates until 6lairee
inter#ects humor to lighten the mood.
Doth !wingers and !teel "agnolias provide a clear picture of both genders and how growing up
in different worlds as boys and girls instill certain characteristics that follow both genders
through adulthood. In !wingers, Trent, is the (leader boy) in the group. Trent makes the plans,
discusses how to get the girls' attention, how to play the field, etc. The characters discuss
winning and losing, and all the male characters boast their strong skill sets in order to get (one
up) of each other. The female characters in !teel "agnolias all very much want to belong to the
(group) that meets at Truvy's on a regular basis. The %uiet characters - Truvy and +nnelle do
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excel, but not by boasting or bragging. They are all talkers - by talking they are able to (get
close) and share their secrets. &hile this is a really strong group of six women, they do tend to
break off into pairs throughout the movie.
This exercise has allowed me to really step back and reflect on how we communicate with each
other - whether through expressions made to our significant others, co-workers, friends and
family members. Dy reviewing the text and notes from the class lecture, I have a new
perspective on how we communicate in various settings and how we behave when a response is
not a favorable one. I am also more aware of how I react when I talk with someone I #ust met
and want to find a common ground for us. This class should be a re%uirement for all students at
Fueens Gniversity. "oving forward, I will always try to think before I speak, understand that
because I am female, I will communicate and respond very differently with males and other
females.
I will end my paper with a %uote by !eymour .icks, (2o man knows more about women than I
do, and I know nothing.) I think this %uote applies to both sexes, actually. +s individuals who
are communicating every day, all we can do is communicate in the proper way for us and
respond to our audience in a proper fashion. &e can also help communicate the skills we have
gained from this class and adapt them into our everyday lives.
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Sources:
Text - Interplay The 4rocess of Interpersonal 6ommunication Cleventh Cdition 5onald D. +dler
7awrence D. 5osenfeld 5ussell $. 4roctor, II Axford Gniversity 4ress, Inc. 2ew ,ork 2, *;1;
Page numbers: !"#!$% &'&#&'(% and ()#(
4ower 4oint 4resentation by 4rofessor Haren <unn, Fueens Gniversity
"ovie0 !teel "agnolias Fuote
"ovie0 !wingers
www.brainy%uote.com