Whatever

A Novel
Michel Houellebecq
First published in French as Extension du domaine de la lutte in 1994
Part One
1
The night is far spent, the da is at hand! let us therefore cast off the "or#s of
dar#ness, and let us put on the armour of light$
Romans XIII, 12
Friday evening I was invited to a party at a colleague from wor!s house" #here were
thirty$odd of us, all middle management aged between twenty$five and forty" %t a
certain moment some stupid bitch started removing her clothes" &he too off her #$
shirt, then her bra, then her sirt, and as she did she pulled the most incredible
faces" &he twirled around in her simpy panties for a few seconds more and then,
not nowing what else to do, began getting dressed again" &he!s a girl, what!s more,
who doesn!t sleep with anyone" 'hich only underlines the absurdity of her behaviour"
%fter my forth voda I started feeling pretty groggy and had to go and stretch out on
a pile of cushions behind the couch" % bit later two girls came and sat down on this
same couch" (othing beautiful about this pair, the frumps of the department in fact"
#hey!re going to have dinner together and they read boos about the development of
language in children, that ind of thing"
#hey got straight down to discussing the day!s big news, about how one of the girls
on the staff had come to wor in a really mini minisirt that barely covered her ass"
%nd what did they mae of it all) #hey thought it was great" #heir silhouettes came
out as bi*arrely enlarged +hinese shadows on the wall above me" #heir voices
appeared to come from on high, a bit lie the ,oly -host!s" I wasn!t doing at all well,
that much was clear"
#hey went on trotting out the platitudes for a good fifteen minutes" ,ow she had the
perfect right to dress as she wished, how this had nothing to do with wanting to
seduce the men, how it was .ust to be comfortable, to feel good about herself, etc"
#he last dismaying dregs of the collapse of feminism" %t a certain moment I even
uttered the words aloud/ 0the last dismaying dregs of the collapse of feminism"! 1ut
they didn!t hear me"
2e too, I!d cloced this girl" It was difficult not to" +ome to that even the head of
department had a hard$on"
I fell asleep before the end of the discussion, but had a horrible dream" #he two
frumps were arm$in$arm in the corridor that bisects the department, and they were
icing out their legs and singing at the top of their voices/
%f % go around bare&assed,
%t isn't to seduce ou(
%f % sho" m hair legs
%t's because % "ant to(
#he girl in the minisirt was in a doorway, but this time she was dressed in a long
blac robe, mysterious and sober" &he was watching them and smiling" 3n her
shoulders was perched a giant parrot, which represented the head of department"
From time to time she stroed the feathers on its belly with a negligent but e4pert
hand"
3n waing I reali*ed I!d thrown up on the mo5uette" #he party was coming to an
end" I concealed the vomit under a pile of cushions, then got up to try and get home"
It was then that I found I!d lost my car eys"
2
Amid the Marcels
#he ne4t day but one was a &unday" I went bac to the area, but my car remained
elusive" #he fact was I couldn!t remember where I!d pared it" 6very street looed to
be the one" #he Rue 2arcel$&embat, Rue 2arcel$7assault8 there were a lot of
2arcels about" Rectangular buildings with people living in them" % violent feeling of
identity" 1ut where was my car)
'aling up and down these 2arcels I was gradually overcome by a certain weariness
in relation to cars and worldly goods" &ince buying it, my 9uegeot 1:4 had given me
nothing but trouble/ endless and barely comprehensible repairs, slight bumps8 #o be
sure, the other drivers feign coolness, get out their nice official papers, say !3;, no
problem!, but deep down they!re throwing you loos full of hatred< it!s most
unpleasant"
%nd then, if you really wanted to thin about it, I was getting to wor on the m=tro<
I rarely left for the weeend anymore, having no where I wanted to go< for my
holidays I was mainly opting for the organi*ed ind, the club resort now and then"
0'hat good!s this car)! I repeated impatiently while marching along the Rue >mile$
?andrin"
It was only, however, on arriving at the %venue Ferdinand$1uisson that the idea
occurred to me of putting in a claim for theft" ?ots of cars get stolen these days,
especially in the inner suburbs< the story would be understood and readily accepted
by both the insurance company and my colleagues at the office" %nyway, how was I
going to say I!d lost my car) I!d pass for a practical .oer, right off, a fruitcae or
weirdo even< this was e4tremely unwise" @oing about such matters is not the done
thing< this is how reputations are made, friendships formed or broen" I now life,
I!ve grown accustomed to it" &aying you!ve lost your car is tantamount to being
struc off the social register< let!s definitely tal theft, then"
?ater that evening my loneliness became tangible, painfully so" 3n the itchen table
were strewn sheets of paper, slightly spotted with the remains of a &aupi5uet tuna A
la catalane" #hese were notes relating to a story about animals< animal fiction is a
literary genre lie any other, may be superior to the others< be that as it may, I write
animal stories" #his one was called )ialogues *et"een a +o" and a ,ill< a
meditation on ethics, you might say< it had been inspired by a short business trip to
1rittany" ,ere!s a ey passage from it/
0?et us first consider the 1reton cow/ all year round she thins of nothing but
gra*ing, her glossy mu**le ascends and descends with impressive regularity, and no
shudder of anguish comes to trouble the wistful ga*e of her light$brown eyes" %ll that
is as it ought to be, and even appears to indicate a profound e4istential oneness, a
decidedly enviable identity between her being$in$the$world and her being$in$itself"
%las, in this instance the philosopher is found wanting, and his conclusions, while
based on a correct and profound intuition, will be rendered invalid if he has not
previously taen the trouble of gathering documentary evidence from the naturalist"
In fact the 1reton cow!s nature is duplicitous" %t certain times of the year Bprecisely
determined by the ine4orable functioning of genetic programmingC an astonishing
revolution taes place in her being" ,er mooing becomes more strident, prolonged,
its very harmonic te4ture modified to the point of recalling at times, and
astonishingly so, certain groans which escape the sons of men" ,er movements
become more rapid, more nervous, from time to time she breas into a trot" It is not
simply her mu**le, though it seems, in its glossy regularity, conceived for reflecting
the abiding presence of a mineral passivity, which contracts and twitches under the
painful effect of an assuredly powerful desire "
0#he ey to the riddle is e4tremely simple, and it is that what the 1reton cow desires
Bthus demonstrating, and she must be given credit here, her life!s one desireC is, as
the breeders say in their cynical parlance, Dto get stuffedE" %nd stuff her they do,
more or less directly< the artificial insemination syringe can in effect, whatever the
cost in certain emotional complications, tae the place of the bull!s penis in
performing this function" In both cases the cow calms down and returns to her
original state of earnest meditation, e4cept that a few months later she will give birth
to an adorable little calf" 'hich, let it be said in passing, means profit for the
breeder"!
#he breeder, of course, symboli*ed -od" 2oved by an irrational sympathy for the
filly, he promised her, starting from the ne4t chapter, the everlasting delight of
numerous stallions, while the cow, guilty of the sin of pride, was to be gradually
condemned to the dismal pleasures of artificial fertili*ation" #he pathetic mooing of
the ruminant would prove incapable of swaying the .udgment of the -reat %rchitect"
% delegation of sheep, formed in solidarity, had no better luc" #he -od presented in
this short story was not, one observes, a merciful -od"
F
#he problem is, itGs .ust not enough to live according to the rules" &ure, you manage
to live according to the rules" &ometimes itGs tight, e4tremely tight, but on the whole
you manage it" Hour ta4 papers are up to date" Hour bills paid on time" Hou never go
out without your identity card Band the special little wallet for your IisaJC"
Het you haven!t any friends"
#he rules are comple4, multiform" #here!s the shopping that needs doing out of
woring hours, the automatic dispensers where money has to be got Band where you
so often have to waitC" %bove all there are the different payments you must mae to
the organi*ations that run different aspects of your life" Hou can fall ill into the
bargain, which involves costs, and more formalities"
(evertheless, some free time remains" 'hat!s to be done) ,ow do you use your
time) In dedicating yourself to helping people) 1ut basically other people don!t
interest you" ?istening to records) #hat used to be a solution, but as the years go by
you have to say that music moves you less and less"
#aen in its widest sense, a spot of do$it$yourself can be a way out" 1ut the fact is
that nothing can halt the ever$increasing recurrence of those moments when your
total isolation, the sensation of an all$consuming emptiness, the foreboding that your
e4istence is nearing a painful and definitive end all combine to plunge you into a
state of real suffering"
%nd yet you haven!t always wanted to die"
Hou have had a life" #here have been moments when you were having a life" 3f
course you donGt remember too much about it< but there are photographs to prove it"
#his was probably happening round about the time of your adolescence, or .ust after"
,ow great your appetite for life was, thenJ 64istence seemed so rich in new
possibilities" Hou might become a pop singer, go off to Iene*uela"
2ore surprising still, you have had a childhood" 3bserve, now, a child of seven,
playing with his little soldiers on the living room carpet" I want you to observe him
closely" &ince the divorce he no longer has a father" 3nly rarely does he see his
mother, who occupies an important post in a cosmetics firm" %nd yet he plays with
his little soldiers and the interest he taes in these representations of the world and
of war seems very een" ,e already lacs a bit of affection, thatGs for sure, but what
an air he has of being interested in the worldJ
Hou too, you too an interest in the world" #hat was long ago" I want you to cast
your mind bac to then" #he domain of the rules was no longer enough for you< you
were unable to live any longer in the domain of the rules< so you had to enter into
the domain of the struggle" I as you to go bac to that precise moment" It was long
ago, no) +ast your mind bac/ the water was cold"
Hou are far from the edge, now" 3h yesJ ,ow far from the edge you are" Hou long
believed in the e4istence of another shore< such is no longer the case" Hou go on
swimming, though, and every movement you mae brings you closer to drowning"
Hou are suffocating, your lungs are on fire" #he water seems colder and colder to
you, more and more galling" Hou arenGt that young any more" (ow you are going to
die" 7onGt worry" I am here" I wonGt let you sin" -o on with your reading" +ast your
mind bac once more to your introduction to the domain of the struggle"
#he pages that follow constitute a novel< I mean, a succession of anecdotes in which
I am the hero" #his autobiographical choice isnGt one, really/ in any case I have no
other way out" If I donGt write about what IGve seen I will suffer .ust the same $ and
perhaps a bit more so" 1ut only a bit, I insist on this" 'riting brings scant relief" It
retraces, it delimits" It lends a touch of coherence, the idea of a ind of realism" 3ne
stumbles around in a cruel fog, but there is the odd pointer" +haos is no more than a
few feet away" % meager victory in truth"
'hat a contrast with the absolute, miraculous power of readingJ %n entire life spent
reading would have fulfilled my every desire< I already new that at the age of
seven" #he te4ture of the world is painful, inade5uate< unalterable, or so it seems to
me" Really, I believe that an entire life spent reading would have suited me best"
&uch a life has not been granted me" """K
IGve .ust turned thirty" %fter a chaotic start I did very well in my studies< today IGm in
middle management" %nalyst$programmer in a computer software company, my
salary is two and a half times the minimum wage< a tidy purchasing power, by any
standards" I can e4pect significant advancement within my firm< unless I decide, as
many do, to sign on with a client" %ll in all I may consider myself satisfied with my
social status" 3n the se4ual plane, on the other hand, the success is less resounding"
I have had many women, but for limited periods" ?acing in loos as well as personal
charm, sub.ect to fre5uent bouts of depression, I donGt in the least correspond to
what women are usually looing for in a man" %nd then IGve always felt a ind of
slight reticence with those women who were opening their organs to me" 1asically all
I represented for them was a last resort" 'hich is not, you will agree, the ideal point
of departure for a lasting relationship"
In fact, since my breaup with I=roni5ue two years ago I havenGt been ac5uainted
with any women< the feeble and inconsistent attempts IGve made in that direction
have only resulted in predictable failure" #wo years is a long time" 1ut in reality,
above all when one is woring, itGs no time at all"
It may be, dear reader and friend, that you are a woman yourself" 7onGt be alarmed,
these things happen" %nyway, it changes nothing of what I have to say to you" I tae
the rough with the smooth"
2y idea is not to try and charm you with subtle psychological observations" I have no
desire to draw applause from you with my finesse and my humour" #here are some
authors who employ their talent in the delicate description of varying states of soul,
character traits, etc" I shall not be counted among these" %ll that accumulation of
realistic detail, with clearly differentiated characters hogging the limelight, has
always seemed pure bullshit to me, IGm sorry to say" 7aniel who is ,erv=Gs friend,
but who feels a certain reticence about -=rard" 9aulGs fantasy as embodied in
Iirginie, my cousinGs trip to Ienice " " " 3ne could spend hours on this" 2ight as well
watch lobsters marching up the side of an a5uarium Bit suffices, for that, to go to a
fish restaurantC" %dded to which, I associate very little with other human beings"
#o reach the otherwise philosophical goal I am setting myself I will need, on the
contrary, to prune" #o simplify" #o demolish, one by one, a host of details" In this I
will be aided, moreover, by the simple play of historical forces" #he world is becoming
more uniform before our eyes< telecommunications are improving< apartment
interiors are enriched with new gadgets" ,uman relationships become progressively
impossible, which greatly reduces the 5uantity of anecdote that goes to mae up a
life" %nd little by little deathGs countenance appears in all its glory" #he third
millennium augurs well"
4"
1ernard, 3h 1ernard
3n getting bac to wor the following 2onday, I learned that my company had .ust
sold a speciali*ed software program to the 2inistry of %griculture and that IGd been
chosen to train them how to use it" #his was announced to me by ,enry ?a 1rette
BheGs very proud of the LyG of G,enriG, and his surname separated as two wordsC"
%ged thirty, lie me, ,enry ?a 1rette is my immediate superior in the hierarchy" In
general our relationship is mared by a veiled hostility" ,ence, and as if he too
personal delight in putting my nose out of .oint, he immediately announced that this
contract would call for a lot of travelling around/ to Rouen, to ?a Roche$sur$Hon< I
donGt now where else" #hese trips have always been a nightmare for me and ,enry
?a 1rette nows it" I could have retorted, LRight then, I 5uit"G 1ut I didnGt"
?ong before the phrase became fashionable, my company developed an authentic
enterprise culture Bthe creation of a logo, distribution of sweatshirts to the salaried
staff, motivation seminars in #ureyC" ItGs a topnotch enterprise, en.oying an enviable
reputation in its field< a good firm, whichever way you loo at it" I canGt wal out .ust
lie that, you understand"
ItGs ten in the morning" IGm sitting in a cool white office, opposite a guy slightly
younger than me whoGs .ust .oined the firm" I thin heGs called 1ernard" ,is
mediocrity is distressing" ,e canGt stop taling about money and investment/ share
pacages, portfolios, high interest saving schemes " " " the full set" ,eGs baning on a
level of wage increase slightly higher than inflation" ,e bores me somewhat" I donGt
really manage to reply to him" ,is moustache twitches"
It goes 5uiet again once he leaves the office" 'e wor in a totally devastated
neighbourhood which loos a bit lie the surface of the moon" ItGs somewhere in the
1Fth arrondissement" 'hen you arrive by bus youGd really thin 'orld 'ar III had
happened" 1ut no, itGs only urban planning"
3ur windows loo out on wasteland which stretches practically as far as you can see,
muddy, bristling with hoardings" % few shells of buildings" Immobile cranes" #he
ambience is calm and cold"
1ernard comes bac" #o brighten the atmosphere I tell him that it stins in my
building" 9eople generally go for these stories of vile smells, IGve observed" %nd itGs
true that coming down the stairs this morning I really did notice a pestilential odour"
'hatGs the usually so busy cleaning woman up to, then) ,e says, LIt must be a dead
rat somewhere" For some reason the idea of it seems to amuse him" ,is moustache
twitches slightly"
9oor 1ernard, in a way" 'hat can he really do with his life) 1uy +7s at the F(%+) %
guy lie him ought to have ids< if he had ids youGd hope he might end up getting
something out of the wriggling of little 1ernards" 1ut no, he isnGt even married"
% dead loss" %t bottom he isnGt so much to be pitied, this good 1ernard, this dear
1ernard" I even thin heGs happy $ inasmuch as he can be, of course< inasmuch as
heGs 1ernard"
M
Ma#ing +ontact
?ater I made an appointment at the 2inistry of %griculture with a girl called
+atherine ?echardoy" #he speciali*ed software program itself was called L2apleG"
%side from e4uding a sugary sap the actual maple is a tree pri*ed in cabinet$maing<
it grows in certain regions of the colder temperate *ones, being particularly
widespread in +anada" #he 2aple program is written in 9ascal, with certain routines
in +N N" 9ascal is a seventeenth$century French writer, author of some celebrated
L9ens=esG" It is also a highly structured programming language particularly suited to
the processing of statistics, the mastery of which IGd managed to ac5uire in the past"
#he 2aple program was to be used for paying government subsidies to the farmers,
an area +atherine ?echardoy was responsible for, at the data processing level that is"
Op till now weGd never met, +atherine ?echardoy and I" In fine, this was a Lfirst
maing of contactG"
In our field of computer engineering the most interesting aspect is, without a doubt,
contact with the clients< at least this is what the company bigwigs love to spout over
a fig li5ueur BI eavesdropped on their pool$side chats a few times during the recent
seminar at the ;usadasi club villageC"
For my part, itGs always with a certain apprehension that I envisage the first contact
with a new client< there are different human beings involved, organi*ed within a
certain structure, the fre5uentation of whom one will have to get used to< a worrying
prospect" 3f course e4perience has 5uicly taught me that IGm only called on to meet
people who, if not e4actly alie, are at least 5uite similar in their manners, their
opinions, their tastes, their general way of approaching life" #heoretically, then, there
is nothing to fear inasmuch as the professional nature of the meeting guarantees, in
principle, its innocuousness" 7espite that IGve also had occasion to remar that
human beings are often bent on maing themselves conspicuous by subtle and
disagreeable variations, defects, character traits and the lie $ doubtless with the
goal of obliging their interlocutors to treat them as total individuals" #hus one person
will lie tennis, another will be mad on horse riding, a third will profess to playing
golf" +ertain higher management types are cra*y about filleted herrings< others
detest them" &o many varied destinies, so many potential ways of doing things"
#hough the general framewor of a Lfirst customer contactG is clearly circumscribed
there nevertheless remains, alas, a margin of uncertainty"
%s it happened +atherine ?echardoy wasnGt there when """ I was told, Lheld up by a
chec at the central siteG" I was invited to tae a seat and wait for her, which I did"
#he conversation revolved around a bombing that had occurred the evening before
on the +hamps$>lys=es" % bomb had been planted under a seat in a caf=" #wo people
were dead" % third had had her legs and half her face blown off, sheGd be maimed
and blind for life" I learned that this wasnGt the first such outrage< a few days earlier
a bomb had e4ploded in a post office near the ,Ptel de Iille, blasting a fifty$year$old
woman to bits" I also learned these bombs were planted by %rab terrorists who were
demanding the release of other %rab terrorists, held in France for various illings"
%round five I had to leave for the police station to mae a statement about the theft
of my car" +atherine ?echardoy hadnGt returned, and IGd barely taen part in the
conversation" #he maing contact would tae place some other day, I assumed"
#he inspector who typed out my statement was around my age" 3bviously of
9rovenQal origin, he was the marrying ind" I wondered if his wife, his hypothetical
ids, he himself, were happy in 9aris" 'ife a post office employee, ids going to
nursery school) Impossible to say"
,e was somewhat bitter and twisted, as you might e4pect" L#hefts " " " happen every
minute of the day " " " no chance " " " in any case they dump Gem straightaway " " "G I
nodded sympathetically as he proceeded to utter these simple truths, drawn from his
everyday e4perience< but I could do nothing to lighten his burden"
1y the end, however, his rancour too on a slightly more positive ring, or so it
seemed to me/ Right then, be seeing youJ 2aybe your carGll turn up" It does happenJG
,e was hoping, I thin, to say more on the matter< but there was nothing more to
say"
R
% &econd +hance
#he following morning IGm told IGve committed a fau4 pas" I should have insisted on
seeing +atherine ?echardoy < my une4plained departure has been taen amiss by the
2inistry of %griculture"
I also learn $ and this is a complete surprise $ that since my last contract my wor
has not given complete satisfaction" #heyGd said nothing up to now, but I had been
found wanting" 'ith this 2inistry of %griculture contract I am, to some e4tent, being
offered a second chance" 2y head of department assumes a tense air, pure soap
opera, when telling me, L'eGre at the service of the client, you now" In our line of
business, alas, itGs rare to get a second chance"
I regret maing this man unhappy" ,e is very handsome " % face at once sensual and
manly, with close$ cropped grey hair" 'hite shirt of an impeccable fine weave,
allowing some powerful and bron*ed pees to show through" +lub tie" (atural and
decisive movements , indicative of a perfect physical condition" #he only e4cuse I can
come up with $ and it seems e4tremely feeble to me $ is that my car has .ust been
stolen" IGm saying, then, that IGm currently grappling with a nascent psychological
problem" #his is when my head of department flips< the theft of my car visibly angers
him" ,e didnGt now< couldnGt have guessed< now he understands" %nd when the
moment of leavetaing arrives, standing by the door of his office, feet planted in the
thic pearl$grey carpet, itGs with emotion that heGll urge me Lto hang in thereG"
S
+atherine, ?ittle +atherine
#he receptionist at the 2inistry of %griculture always wears a leather minisirt< but
this time I donGt need her to find room R:1S"
From the start +atherine ?echardoy confirms my worst fears" &heGs twenty$five, with
a higher technical certificate in data processing, and prominent teeth< her
aggressiveness is astonishing" L?etGs hope itGs going to wor, your softwareJ If itGs
lie the last one we bought from you """ a real bastard" In the end, of course, itGs """
IGm .ust the bimbo, IGm here to clean up the shit the others leave behind" " "G, etc"
I e4plain to her that itGs not me, either, who decides what is sold" (or what is
produced" In fact I decide nothing" (either of us decides anything" IGm .ust here to
help her, give her some copies of the instruction manual, try and set up a teaching
programme with her """ 1ut none of this satisfies her" ,er anger is intense, her anger
is deep" (ow sheGs taling about methodology" %ccording to her everyone in the
business should conform to a rigorous methodology based on structured
programming< and instead of that there is anarchy, programmes are written any old
way, each person does as he lies in his little corner without considering the others,
thereGs no agreement, thereGs no general pro.ect, thereGs no harmony" 9aris is a
horrible city, people donGt meet, theyGre not even interested in their wor, itGs all so
superficial, they all go home at si4, wor done or not, nobody gives a damn"
&he suggests going for a coffee" I accept, obviously" %n automatic machine" I havenGt
any change, she gives me two francs" #he coffee is foul, but that doesnGt stop her
rant" In 9aris you can drop dead right on the street, nobody gives a damn" 'here
she is, in the 'arn, itGs different" 6very weeend she goes bac to her place in the
'arn" %nd in the evenings she taes courses at the +(%2 to improve her prospects"
In three years sheGll maybe have her engineering diploma"
6ngineer" IGm an engineer" ItGs vital I say something" I en5uire, in a slightly strangled
voice,
$+ourses in what)
$+ourses in management control, factor analysis, algorithmic, financial accounting"
$#hat must be hard wor, I remar in a rather vague tone"
Hes, itGs hard wor, but wor doesnGt frighten her" In the evenings she often wors in
her studio flat till midnight getting her studies done" %nyway you have to fight to get
anything in life, thatGs what sheGs always believed" 'e go bac up the stairs towards
her office" L:";" fight, little +atherine " " "G I mournfully say to myself" &heGs not all
that pretty" %s well as prominent teeth she has lifeless hair, little eyes that burn with
anger" (o breasts or buttocs to spea of" -od has not, in truth, been too ind to her"
I thin weGre going to get along very well" &he has the decided air of organi*ing
everything, running the show, all IGll have to do is come down here and give my
courses" 'hich suits me fine< I have no wish to contradict her" I donGt recon sheGll
fall in love with me< I get the impression sheGs beyond trying it on with a man"
%round eleven a new person bursts into the office" ,is name is 9atric ?eroy and
apparently he shares the same office as +atherine" ,awaiian shirt, buttoc$hugging
.eans and a bunch of eys hanging from the belt, which .angle when he wals" ,eGs a
bit nacered, he informs us" ,eGs spent the night in a .a** club with a mate, they
managed to Lmae it with a couple of chicsG" %ll in all, heGs happy"
,e will spend the rest of the morning on the phone" ,e tals in a loud voice" 7uring
the course of the third phone call he will touch on a sub.ect which is, in itself,
e4tremely sad/ one of their common women friends, his and the girl heGs calling, has
been illed in a car crash" %n aggravating circumstance is that the car was driven by
a third mate, whom he calls L3ld FredG" %nd 3ld Fred himself is unscathed" ItGs all, in
theory, somewhat distressing, but heGll succeed in gliding over this aspect of the
issue with a sort of cynical vulgarity feet on the table and hip language" L&he was
super$cool, (athalie " " " % real goer, too" ItGs the pits, an absolute downer " " "
HouGve been to the funeral) Funerals, they get to me a bit" %nd whatGs the use of
Gem) 2ind you, I was saying to myself, maybe for the old fol, fair does" 3ld Fred
was there) Hou got to admit heGs got balls, the asshole"G
I greeted lunch hour with tremendous relief"
In the afternoon I was due to see the head of the G+omputer &tudiesG department" I
donGt really now why" %s far as I was concerned I had nothing to say to him"
I waited for an hour and a half in an empty, slightly gloomy office" I didnGt really
want to turn the light on, partly for fear of signalling my presence"
1efore installing myself in this office IGd been handed a voluminous report called
)irective on the Ministr of Agriculture )ata Processing Plan" #here again, I couldnGt
see why" #he document had nothing at all to do with me" It was devoted, if the
introduction was to be believed, to an attempt at the predefinition of various
archetpal scenarii, understood "ithin a targeted ob-ective" #he ob.ectives, which
themselves warranted a more detailed analysis in terms of desirability, were for
instance the orientation of a politics of aid to farmers, the development of a more
competitive para$agricultural sector at the 6uropean level, the redressing of the
commercial balance in the realm of fresh products """ I 5uicly leafed through the
opus, underlining the more amusing phrases in pencil/ The strategic level consists in
the reali.ation of a sstem of global information promulgated b the integration of
diversified heterogeneous sub&sstems" 3r indeed/ %t appears urgent to validate a
canonic relational model "ithin an organi.ational dnamic leading in the medium
term to a database &oriented ob-ect$ % secretary finally appeared to advise me that
the meeting was taing longer than e4pected and that it would unfortunately be
impossible for her boss to receive me today"
&o I too myself off home" %s long as theyGre paying me, ha haJ
I spotted a strange graffito in the &Tvres$1abylon m=tro station/ L-od wanted there
to be ine5uality, not in.usticeG, the inscription said" I mused on who the person so
well informed about -odGs designs might be"
U
In general I see nobody at the weeends" I stay home, do a bit of tidying" I get
gently depressed"
#his &aturday however, between eight and eleven, a social moment is in the offing" I
am to eat with a priest friend in a 2e4ican restaurant" #he restaurant is good< on
that front, no problem" 1ut is my friend still my friend)
'e did our studies together/ we were twenty, .ust ids really" (ow weGre thirty" 3nce
heGd got his engineerGs diploma he went off to the seminary, he changed course"
#oday heGs a parish priest in Iitry" It isnGt an easy parish"
I eat a red bean taco and @ean$9ierre 1uvet tals to me about se4uality" %ccording to
him the interest our society pretends to show in eroticism Bthrough advertising
maga*ines, the media in generalC is completely artificial" 2ost people, in fact, are
5uicly bored by the sub.ect, but they pretend the opposite out of a bi*arre inverted
hypocrisy"
,e gets to his main thesis" 3ur civili*ation, he says, suffers from vital e4haustion" In
the century of ?ouis XII, when the appetite for living was great, official culture
placed the accent on the negation of pleasure and of the flesh< repeated insistently
that mundane life can offer only imperfect .oys, that the only true source of
happiness was in -od" &uch a discourse, he asserts, would no longer be tolerated
today" 'e need adventure and eroticism because we need to hear ourselves repeat
that life is marvellous and e4citing< and itGs abundantly clear that we rather doubt
this"
I get the impression he considers me a fitting symbol of this vital e4haustion" (o se4
drive, no ambition< no real interests, either" I donGt now what to say to him/ I get
the impression everybodyGs a bit lie that" I consider myself a normal ind of guy"
'ell, perhaps not completely , but who is completely, huh) 6ighty per cent normal,
letGs say" For something to say in the meantime I casually observe that these days
everybody is bound, at one moment or another in his life, to have the feeling of
being a failure" 'e are agreed on that"
#he conversation stalls" I nibble my carameli*ed vermicelli " ,e advises me to find
-od again, or go into psychoanalysis< I give a start at the comparison" ,eGs
interested in my case, he e4plains< he seems to thin IGm in a bad way" IGm alone,
much too alone< it isnGt natural, according to him"
'e have a brandy" ,e lays his cards on the table" %s far as heGs concerned is the
answer< the wellspring of life" 3f a rich and active life" LHou must accept your divine
natureJG he e4claims< the ne4t table turns round" I feel a little tired< I get the
impression weGre reaching an impasse" I smile, .ust in case" I havenGt got too many
friends, I donGt want to lose this one" LHou must accept your divine nature,G he
repeats more softly< I promise IGll mae an effort" I add a few words, I force myself
to reestablish a consensus"
(e4t, a coffee, and each to his home" In the end it was a pleasant evening"
9
&i4 persons are presently gathered around a rather nice oval table, probably in fae
mahogany" #he curtains, of a sombre green, are drawn< you!d thin you were in a
small drawing room" I suddenly have the feeling that the meeting is going to last all
morning"
#he first 2inistry of %griculture representative has blue eyes" ,e is young, has little
round glasses, he must have still been a student up till a short time ago" 7espite his
youth he gives a remarable impression of seriousness " ,e will tae notes all
morning, sometimes at the most une4pected moments" ,ere is a leader of men, or
at least a future leader"
#he second 2inistry representative is a middle$aged man with a fringe of beard, lie
the fearsome tutors in #he Famous Five" ,e seems to e4ert a great influence on
+atherine ?echardoy, who is seated at his side" ,e is a theoretician" ,is interventions
will be so many calls to order concerning the importance of methodology and, more
generally, of reflection prior to action" %t this .uncture I donGt see why/ the software
is already paid for, thereGs no more need to reflect, but I refrain from saying so" I
immediately get the feeling he doesnGt lie me" ,ow can I gain his love) I decide that
on several occasions in the morning I will support his interventions with a slightly
stupid e4pression of admiration, as if heGd suddenly opened up astonishing
perspectives for me, full of wisdom and breadth" ,e must, in the normal course of
things, conclude from this that I am a young man of goodwill, ready to engage
myself under his orders in the proper direction"
#he third 2inistry representative is +atherine ?echardoy " #he poor thing has a
slightly sad air this morning< all her recent combativeness seems to have left her"
,er ugly little face is glum, she regularly wipes her glasses" I even wonder if she
hasnGt been crying< I can .ust picture her breaing into sobs in the morning as she
gets dressed, all alone"
#he fourth 2inistry representative is a ind of caricature of the rural socialist" ,e
wears boots and a para, as if he was .ust bac from a field trip< he has a thic
beard and smoes a pipe< I wouldnGt lie to be his son" In front of him on the table
he has ostentatiously placed a boo called +heesema#ing and the +hallenge of Ne"
Technologies$ I canGt wor out what heGs doing there, he obviously nows nothing
about the sub.ect under discussion< perhaps heGs a trade union representative"
'hatever the truth of it, he seems to have set himself the goal of maing the
atmosphere more tense and of provoing conflict by means of repetitive remars
about Lthe uselessness of these meetings which never get anywhereG, or else Lthese
software pacages chosen in a 2inistry office which never correspond to the real
needs of the chaps on the groundG"
3pposite him is a guy from my company who responds tirelessly to his ob.ections $
in a very clumsy way, in my opinion $ by pretending to believe that the other man is
deliberately e4aggerating, even that the whole thing is pure pleasantry" ,e is one of
my superiors in the hierarchy< I thin his name is (orbert ?e.ailly" I didnGt now heGd
be here, and I canGt say IGm over.oyed by his presence" #his man has the features
and the behaviour of a pig" ,e sei*es the least opportunity to laugh long and loud"
'hen he isnGt laughing he slowly rubs his hands together" ,e is podgy, even obese,
and his self$satisfaction, which nothing solid would seem to support, is absolutely
unbearable to me" 1ut this morning I feel really rather good, and on two occasions I
will even laugh with him, in echo of his witticisms"
7uring the morning a seventh person will mae periodic appearances, intended to
.olly along this meeting of minds" ,e is the head of the 2inistry of %griculture
L+omputer &tudiesG section, the one I missed the other day" #his individual seems to
have given himself the mission of embodying an e4aggerated version of the young
and dynamic boss" In this heGs streets ahead of anything IGve had occasion to
observe up till now" ,is shirt is open, as if he hadnGt 5uite had the time to button it
up, and his tie flies off to one side as if caught in a slipstream" ,e doesnGt wal down
the corridors, he glides" If he could fly, he would" ,is face is shining, his hair
disordered and damp as if heGd come straight from the swimming pool"
3n his first entrance he sees us, me and my boss" In a flash heGs standing by us,
without me figuring out how" ,e must have covered the ten metres in less than five
seconds, in any event he was too fast for me"
,e places his hand on my shoulder and speas to me in a gentle voice, saying how
much heGs sorry for maing me wait for nothing the other day< I give him an angelic
smile, tell him itGs of no importance, that I understand and that I now that sooner
or later the meeting will tae place" I am being sincere" It is a very tender moment"
,e is leaning towards me and me alone" HouGd thin we were two lovers whom life
had .ust reunited after a long separation"
,e will mae two other appearances during the morning, but each time heGll remain
at the door, addressing himself solely to the young guy in glasses" 6ach time he
begins by e4cusing himself for disturbing us with an enchanting smile< he stays at
the door, hanging on the .amb, balancing on one leg as if the inner tension that
drives him prevented him from standing upright for too long"
3f the meeting itself I retain but few memories< in any case nothing concrete was
decided, e4cept for in the last 5uarter of an hour, very 5uicly, .ust before going to
lunch, when a training timetable for the provinces was drawn up" I am directly
concerned, since itGs me who will have to do the travelling around< so I hastily tae
note of the dates and places """ a piece of paper which I will, as it happens, mislay
that same evening"
#he whole thing will be e4plained to me again ne4t day in the course of a briefing
with the theoretician" #hus I learn that a sophisticated three$tier system of training
has been set up by the 2inistry Btherefore by him, if I understand things correctlyC"
It is a 5uestion of how best to respond to the needs of the users by means of a
complementary, but organically independent, pacage of training programmes" %ll
this clearly bears the stamp of a subtle mind"
In real terms I will be involved in a tour that will tae me firstly to Rouen for a
duration of two wees, then to 7i.on for a wee, and lastly to ?a Roche$sur$Hon for
four days" I will leave on the first of 7ecember and be home again for +hristmas, so
as to enable me to Lspend the holidays with my familyG" #he human aspect has not
been forgotten, then" ,ow splendid"
I also learn $ and itGs a surprise $ that I will not be alone in undertaing these
training programmes" In effect my company has decided to send two people" 'e will
wor in tandem" For twenty$five minutes, and in an agoni*ing silence, the
theoretician points out the advantages and the disadvantages of the tandem training"
Finally, in extremis, the advantages seem to carry the day"
I am completely in the dar about the identity of the second person who is re5uired
to accompany me" ItGs probably someone I now In any event nobody has seen fit to
notify me"
+leverly taing advantage of an unrelated remar he has .ust made, the theoretician
maes the observation that it is a real pity this second person Bwhose identity will
remain a mystery until the last minuteC is not there, and that nobody thought it wise
to invite him" 9ushing on with his argument, he contrives to implicitly suggest that in
these conditions my own presence is itself .ust as useless, or at very least of limited
use" 'hich is precisely what IGm thining"

1:
The )egrees of ,reedom According to /$&0$ ,r1haut
%fterwards, I go bac to company head5uarters" % good reception awaits me there< I
have, it seems, succeeded in re$establishing my standing in the company"
2y head of department taes me to one side< he reveals to me the importance of
this contract" ,e nows IGm a solid young man" ,e devotes a few words, of a bitter
realism, to the theft of my car" #his is verily a conversation between men, ne4t to the
automatic hot drins machine" In him I discern a true professional in the
management of human resources< IGm putty in his hands" ,e seems ever more
handsome to me"
?ater that afternoon I will attend the farewell drin for @ean$Hves Fr=haut" % much$
valued asset is leaving the firm, the head of department affirms< a technician of the
highest calibre" In his future career he will doubtless now successes at least as
great as those which have mared this one< this is the very least he wishes him" %nd
may he drop by whenever he lies, to drain the cup of friendshipJ ?ie a first love, a
first .ob, he concludes in a ribald tone, is something thatGs hard to forget" I wonder
right then if he hasnGt drun too much"
1rief applause" &ome movement is registered around @"$H Fr=haut< he turns on his
heel with a satisfied air" I now this young man slightly< we arrived at the firm at the
same time, three years ago< we used to share the same office" 'eGd taled about
civili*ation one time" ,e claimed $ and in a sense he truly believed it $ that the
increase in the flow of information within society was in itself a good thing" #hat
freedom was nothing other than the possibility of establishing various
interconnections between individuals, pro.ects, organi*ations, services" %ccording to
him the ma4imum amount of freedom coincided with the ma4imum amount of
potential choice" In a metaphor borrowed from the mechanics of solids, he called
these choices degrees of freedom"
'e were, I remember, sitting near the central processing unit" #he air conditioning
was emitting a slight hum" ,e was comparing society to a brain, as it were, and its
individuals to so many cerebral cells for which it is, in effect, desirable to establish
the ma4imum number of interconnections" 1ut the analogy stopped there" For this
was a liberal, and he was scarcely a partisan of what is so necessary to the brain/ a
unifying pro.ect"
,is own life, I would subse5uently learn, was functional in the e4treme" ,e was living
in a studio flat in the 1Mth arrondissement" #he heating was included in the rent" ,e
barely did more than sleep there, since he was in fact woring a lot $ and often,
outside of woring time, he was reading 2icro$&ystemes" #he famous degrees of
freedom consisted, as far as he was concerned , in choosing his dinner by 2initel Bhe
was a subscriber to this service, new at the time, which guaranteed the delivery of
hot food at a given hour and with relatively little delayC"
I lied to thin of him of an evening composing his menu, using the 2initel which sat
on the left corner of his des" I used to tease him about the telephone hotlines< but
in reality IGm sure he was a virgin"
,e was happy in a sense" ,e too himself to be, and rightly so, a participant in the
telecommunications revolution" ,e actually did live each increase in computer power,
each step towards the globali*ation of the networ, as a personal victory" ,e voted
socialist" %nd, funnily enough, he adored -auguin"
11
I was never to see @ean$Hves Fr=haut again" %nd anyway, why would I have)
1asically weGd never really clic#ed" In any event people rarely see each other again
these days, even in cases where the relationship begins in an atmosphere of
enthusiasm" &ometimes breathless conversations tae place, touching on the general
aspects of life< sometimes, too, a carnal embrace comes about" &ure, you e4change
telephone numbers but, generally speaing, you rarely call again" %nd even when
you do call and meet up, disillusionment and disenchantment rapidly tae over from
the initial enthusiasm" 1elieve me, I now life< itGs all perfectly cut and dried"
#his progressive effacement of human relationships is not without certain problems
for the novel" ,ow, in point of fact, would one handle the narration of those
unbridled passions, stretching over many years, and at times maing their effect felt
on several generations) 'eGre a long way from 'uthering ,eights, to say the least"
#he novel form is not conceived for depicting indifference or nothingness< a flatter,
more terse and dreary discourse would need to be invented"
If human relations become progressively impossible this is due, precisely, to the
multiplying of those degrees of freedom of which @ean$Hves Fr=haut declared himself
the enthusiastic prophet" ,e himself had never nown any intimate relationship, of
that IGm sure< his state of freedom was e4treme" #here is no acrimony in what I say"
,ere was, as IGve mentioned, a happy man< that said, I donGt envy him his
happiness"
#he species of information technology thiner to which @ean$Hves Fr=haut belonged is
less rare than youGd thin" In every average$si*ed company you can find one,
occasionally two" 1esides, most people vaguely admit that every relationship, in
particular every human relationship, is reduced to an e4change of information Bif of
course you include in the notion of information messages of a non$neutral, that is,
gratifying or punitive, natureC" Onder these conditions it doesnGt tae long for a
thiner on information technology to be transformed into a thiner on social
evolution" ,is discourse will often be brilliant, and hence convincing< the affective
dimension may even be built into it"
#he ne4t day $ again on the occasion of a farewell drin, but this time at the 2inistry
of %griculture $ I had occasion to discuss things with the theoretician, flaned as
usual by +atherine ?echardoy" ,e himself had never met @ean$Hves Fr=haut, and
would have no occasion to do so" I imagine that in a hypothetical meeting the
intellectual e4change would have been courteous, yet of a high level" 7oubtless
theyGd have arrived at a consensus on certain values such as freedom, transparency
and the necessity of establishing a system of generali*ed transactions subsuming the
totality of social activities"
#he ob.ect of this moment of conviviality was to fVte the retirement of a small man
of some si4ty years with grey hair and thic glasses" #he staff had clubbed together
to buy him a fishing rod $ a high$performance @apanese model, with three$speed reel
and range modifiable by simple finger pressure $ but he didnGt now that yet" ,e was
staying well in sight beside the bottles of champagne" 9eople were coming up and
giving him a friendly pat on the bac, even evoing a shared memory"
(e4t, the head of the L+omputer &tudiesG department began to spea" It was an
impossible tas, he announced right away, to summari*e in a few words thirty years
of a career devoted entirely to agricultural computing" ?ouis ?indon, he recalled, had
nown the heroic days of computeri*ation/ punched cardsJ power cutsJ magnetic
drumsJ 'ith each e4clamation he spread his arms wide, as if bidding those present
to cast their minds bac to that far$distant time"
#he interested party was smiling with a nowing air, chewing his moustache in a
most unpleasant manner" 1ut on the whole he behaved correctly"
?ouis ?indon, the head of department concluded warmly, had put his stamp on
agricultural computing" 'ithout him the 2inistry of %griculture computer system
would not be what it was today" %nd that was something none of his present and
even future colleagues Bhis voice became slightly more tremulousC could ever forget"
#here were thirty seconds or so of warm applause" % young girl chosen from among
the fairest handed the future pensioner his fishing rod" ,e brandished it timidly at
the end of his arm" #his was the signal for heading for the buffet" #he head of
department went up to ?ouis ?indon and, putting an arm around his shoulders, slow$
marched him away to e4change a few e4tra tender and heartfelt words"
#his was the moment the theoretician chose to confide to me that, even so, ?indon
belonged to another generation of computing" ,e programmed without real method,
partly by intuition< heGd had persistent difficulty adapting to the principles of
functional analysis< the concepts of the Merise method had largely passed him by" %ll
the programmes of which he was the author had had to be rewritten, in fact< for the
last two years heGd not been given very much to do, he was more or less put out to
grass" ?indonGs personal 5ualities, he added warmly, were not at all in 5uestion"
#hings simply change, itGs normal"
,aving dispatched ?ouis ?indon to the mists of time the theoretician could move on
to his favourite theme/ according to him the production and circulation of information
ought to undergo the same mutation that the production and circulation of
commodities had nown/ the transition from the artisanal stage to the industrial
stage" In matters of the production of information , he stated acrimoniously, we were
still far from .ero default/ redundancy and imprecision were more often than not the
rule" &ince they were insufficiently developed, the information distribution networs
remained mared by appro4imation and anachronism Bbecause of this, he angrily
pointed out, #elecom was still distributing phone directories on paperJC" #han -od
the young were clamouring for more and better information< than -od they were
showing themselves to be increasingly e4igent about response time< but the road
that would lead to a perfectly informed, perfectly transparent and communicating
society was still long"
,e developed still other ideas< +atherine ?echardoy was at his side" From time to
time she ac5uiesced with a LHes, thatGs very important/ &he had red on her mouth
and blue on her eyes" ,er sirt reached halfway down her thighs and her tights were
blac" I suddenly reali*ed that she must buy panties, maybe even g$strings< the
hubbub in the room became slightly more animated" I imagined her in -aleries
?afayette choosing a 1ra*ilian tanga in scarlet lace< I felt invaded by an aching sense
of compassion"
%t that moment a colleague came up to the theoretician" #urning away from us
slightly, each man offered the other a panatella" +atherine ?echardoy and I remained
facing each other" % distinct silence fell" #hen, seeing a way out, she proceeded to
tal about the bringing into line of wor procedures between the servicing company
and the 2inistry $ thatGs to say, between the two of us" &he was still standing right
beside me $ our bodies were separated by a gap of thirty centimetres at most" %t a
certain moment, and with a clearly involuntary gesture, she lightly rubbed the lapel
of my .acet between her fingers"
I felt no desire for +atherine ?echardoy< I hadnGt the slightest wish to shaft her" &he
was looing at me and smiling, drining +r=mant, trying her hardest to be brave<
nevertheless I new she really needed to be shafted" #hat hole she had at the base
of her belly must appear so useless to her< a pric can always be cut off, but how do
you forget the emptiness of a vagina) ,er situation appeared desperate, and my tie
was beginning to choe me slightly" %fter my third glass I came close to suggesting
we leave together, go and fuc in some office< on the des or on the carpet, it didnGt
matter< I was feeling up to maing the necessary gestures" 1ut I ept my mouth
shut< and anyway I donGt thin sheGd have accepted< or else IGd have first had to put
my arm around her waist, say she was beautiful, brush her lips in a tender iss"
#here was no way out, for sure" I briefly e4cused myself and went to throw up in the
toilets"
3n my return the theoretician was at her side and she was listening to him docilely"
&heGd managed, in short, to regain control< perhaps it was all to the good, for her"
12
#his retirement drin was to constitute the derisory apogee of my relations with the
2inistry of %griculture" I had gathered together all the necessary material for
preparing my courses< weGd barely be seeing each other again< I still had a wee
before leaving for Rouen"
% gloomy wee" 'e were at the end of (ovember, a time which is commonly taen to
be gloom itself" For me it seemed normal that, for want of more tangible events,
changes in the weather would assume a certain place in my life< besides, old people
can tal about nothing else, they say"
IGve lived so little that I tend to imagine IGm not going to die< it seems improbable
that human e4istence can be reduced to so little< one imagines, in spite of oneself,
that sooner or later something is bound to happen" % big mistae" % life can .ust as
well be both empty and short" #he days slip by indifferently, leaving neither trace nor
memory< and then all of a sudden they stop"
%t times, too, IGve had the impression that IGd manage to feel 5uite at home in a life
of vacuity" #hat the relatively painless boredom would enable me to go on maing
the usual gestures of life" %nother big mistae" 9rolonged boredom is not tenable as
a position/ sooner or later it is transformed into feelings that are acutely more
painful, of true pain< this is precisely whatGs happening to me"
2aybe, I tell myself, this tour of the provinces is going to alter m ideas" 7oubtless
in a negative sense, but itGs going to alter m ideas< at least there will be a change of
direction, a shae$up"
Part T"o
1
%t the approaches to the narrows of 1ab$el$2andel, beneath the ambiguous and
immutable surface of the sea, huge and irregularly spaced coral reefs are hidden
which represent a real danger to navigation" #hey are barely perceptible e4cept for a
reddish bloom, a slightly different tinge to the water" %nd if the occasional traveller
should call to mind the e4traordinary density of the shar population which
characteri*es this area of the Red &ea Bit has some two thousand shars per s5uare
ilometre, if my memory serves me correctC, then it will be readily understood if,
despite the overwhelming and almost unreal heat that maes the surrounding air
5uiver with a viscous bubbling, he feels a slight shudder at the approaches to the
narrows of 1ab$el$2andel"
Fortunately, because of the odd way the sy reacts, the weather is always fine,
e4cessively fine, and the hori*on never deviates from an overheated and blinding
whiteness which can also be observed in metal foundries during the third phase of
treating the iron ore BI am speaing of that moment when there blossoms forth, as if
suspended in the atmosphere and bi*arrely at one with its intrinsic nature, the
newly$formed flow of molten steelC" #hat is why most pilots clear this obstacle
without let or hindrance and are soon sailing in silence through the calm, iridescent
and limpid waters of the -ulf of %den"
&ometimes, though, such things happen, occur for real" ItGs 2onday morning, the
first of 7ecember< itGs cold and I am waiting for #isserand by the departure gate of
the train for Rouen< weGre in the -are &aint$?a*are< IGm getting more and more cold
and more and more pissed off" #isserand arrives at the last minute< weGre going to
have difficulty finding seats" Onless heGs got himself a first$class ticet< that would be
5uite his style"
I might have formed a tandem with four or five other people from my company, and
in the end itGs come down to #isserand" IGm not wildly e4cited about it" ,e, on the
other hand, declares himself delighted" L'e mae a terrific team you and me,G he
promptly declares, LI recon thingsGll wor out .ust great"G ,e describes a sort of
rotating movement with his hands, as if to symboli*e our future mutual
understanding"
I already now this young man< weGve chatted many a time around the hot drins
machine" ,e generally told dirt stories< I have the feeling this tour of the provinces
is going to be grim"
2oments later the train is moving" 'e install ourselves in the midst of a group of
garrulous students who seem to belong to a business school" I settle myself near the
window to escape the surrounding noise, at least a bit" From his briefcase #isserand
e4tracts various coloured brochures dealing with accounting software< these have
nothing to do with the training weGre going to give" I ha*ard the remar" ,e
inter.ects vaguely, G%h yes, 2aple, thatGs good too,G then goes bac to his monologue"
'here the technical aspects are concerned IGve the impression heGs counting on me
one hundred per cent"
,eGs wearing a splendid suit with a red, yellow and green pattern $ a bit medieval
tapestry, youGd say" ,e also has a fancy handerchief which stics out of his .acet
pocet, L#rip to the 9lanet 2arsG style, and a matching tie" ,is whole outfit evoes
the ultra$dynamic business management type, not without humour" %s for me, IGm
dressed in a 5uilted para and L'eeend in the ,ebridesG chuny pullover" I imagine
that in the play of roles thatGs gradually falling into place I represent the Lsystems
manG, the competent but slightly oafish technician who doesnGt have the time to
worry about his appearance and is completely incapable of dialoguing with the user"
#hat suits me fine" ,eGs right, we mae a good team"
In getting all his brochures out, I as myself if he isnGt trying to attract the attention
of the young girl sitting on his left $ a student at the business school, and very
pretty" ,is discourse would only seem, then, superficially directed at me" I permit
myself a glance or two at the landscape" 7ay is beginning to brea" #he sun appears,
blood red, terribly red above the dar green grass, above the mist$shrouded ponds"
&mall clusters of houses smoe far away in the valley" #he sight is magnificent, a
little scary" #isserand isnGt interested by it" Instead, heGs trying to catch the glance of
the student on his left" #he problem with RaphaWl #isserand $ the foundation of his
personality, indeed $ is that he is e4tremely ugly" &o ugly that his appearance repels
women, and he never gets to sleep with them" ,e tries though, he tries with all his
might, but it doesnGt wor" #hey simply want nothing to do with him"
,is body is nonetheless close to normal" Iaguely 2editerranean in type, he is
certainly rather fat< LstocyG, as they say< added to which his baldness is coming
along nicely" Fine, all this could still be arranged< but what isnGt fine is his face" ,e
has the e4act appearance of a buffalo toad $ thic, gross, heavy, deformed features,
the very opposite of handsome" ,is shiny acned sin seems to permanently e4ude a
greasy fluid" ,e wears bifocal glasses, because heGs e4tremely short$sighted to boot $
yet if he had contact lenses it wouldnGt change anything, IGm afraid" 'hatGs more, his
conversation lacs finesse, fantasy, humour< he has absolutely no charm Bcharm is a
5uality which can sometimes substitute for physical beauty $ at least in men<
anyway, one often says L,e has loads of charmG, or L#he most important thing is
charmG< thatGs what one saysC" -iven all this, he is obviously terribly frustrated< but
what can I do about it) &o I ga*e out at the landscape"
% bit later he engages the student in conversation" 'e sirt the &eine, scarlet,
completely drowned in the rays of the rising sun $ one would really thin the river
gorged with blood"
%round nine we arrive in Rouen" #he student says her goodbyes to #isserand $ she
refuses to give him her telephone number of course" For a few minutes he will feel a
certain despondency< itGs going to be me who has to find a bus"
#he 7epartmental ,ead5uarters for %griculture building is evil$looing and we are
late" ,ere, wor begins at eight $ this, I will learn, is often the case in the provinces"
#he training session gets going immediately" #isserand is first to spea< he
introduces himself, introduces me, introduces our company" %fter that I assume heGll
introduce the computer, the integrated software, their advantages" ,e could also
introduce the course, the wor method we are going to follow, lots of things" %ll this
should tae us to around midday, no problem, especially if thereGs a good old$
fashioned coffee$brea" I tae off my para, place a few sheets of paper before me"
#he audience is made up of fifteen or so people< there are some secretaries and
middle management, some technicians I imagine $ they have the loo of technicians"
#hey donGt seem particularly hostile, or particularly interested in computers either $
and yet, I say to myself, computers are going to change their lives"
I spot straightaway where the danger lies/ an e4tremely young guy in glasses, tall,
lany and lithe" ,e has installed himself at the bac so he can watch everybody< I
silently dub him Lthe &erpentG, but in actual fact he will introduce himself to us after
the coffee$brea by the name of &chnXbele" ,ere in the maing is the future boss of
the computer service, and he has a very satisfied air about it" &itting at his side is a
guy of fifty$odd, e4tremely well$built, unpleasant$looing, with a fringe of red beard"
,e must be an e4$sergeant$ma.or, or something of the sort" ,e has a beady eye $
Indochina, I imagine $ which he will eep trained on me for ages, as if summoning
me to e4plain the reason for my presence" ,e seems devoted body and soul to the
&erpent, his boss" ,e has something of the mastiff about him $ the ind of dog which
never lets go its bite, in any event"
%ll too soon the &erpent will fire off various 5uestions whose ob.ect is to throw
#isserand, mae him loo incompetent" #isserand is incompetent, this is a fact, but
heGs come across such types before" ,eGs a professional" ,e will have no difficulty in
parrying the various attacs, now dodging with grace, now promising to return to
them at some later point in the course" ,e will sometimes even succeed in
suggesting that the 5uestion might indeed have had a point at an earlier period in
the development of computers, but that it has now been rendered meaningless"
%t midday we are interrupted by the strident and disagreeable ringing of a bell"
&chnXbele sidles up to us/ L7o we eat together)G #he 5uestion admits of no reply"
,e tells us that, sorry, he has a few little things to do before lunch" 1ut we can go
with him, lie that he can Lshow us round the placeG" ,e leads us down the corridors<
his acolyte follows, two paces behind" #isserand manages to get it across to me that
heGd have Lpreferred to eat with the two cuties in the third rowG" ,eGs already spotted
the female prey in the audience, then< it was almost inevitable, but all the same I
find it a little disturbing"
'e go into &chnXbeleGs office" #he acolyte remains rooted on the threshold in an
attitude of e4pectancy< he is mounting guard to some e4tent" #he room is big, even
very big for such a young e4ecutive, and I instantly surmise that itGs only to show us
it that heGs brought us here, since he does nothing $ he contents himself with tapping
nervously on his telephone" I sin down into an armchair in front of the des,
#isserand immediately following suit" #he other .er chimes in with L&ure, tae a
seat" #he same second a secretary comes through a door off to one side" &he
approaches the des respectfully" &he is a rather old woman with glasses" In her
open hands she holds a file of letters awaiting signature" ,ere at last, I say to
myself, is the reason for this whole performance"
&chnXbele performs his role most impressively" 1efore signing the first document he
goes through it at length, with tremendous gravity" ,e singles out a phrase which is
Lsomewhat unfortunate at the syntactical level" #he secretary, confused/ LI can do it
again, &irG< and he, the great lord/ L(o, no, itGll be fine"G
#he fastidious ceremony is repeated for a second document, then for a third" I start
to feel hungry" I get up to e4amine the photos hanging on the wall" #hey are
amateur photos, printed and framed with care" #hey appear to represent geysers, ice
formations, things of the sort" I imagine heGs printed them himself after his holidays
in Iceland $ a (ouvelles FrontiTres tour, in all lielihood" 1ut he has been prodigal
with the solari*ations , star$filter effects and I donGt now what else besides, to such
an e4tent that one recogni*es practically nothing and the general effect is
e4ceedingly ugly"
&eeing my interest, he approaches and says/
$ItGs Iceland """ ItGs really pretty, I find"
$%h, I reply"
'eGre finally going to eat" &chnXbele goes on ahead of us down the corridors,
commenting on the organi*ation of the offices and the Lspatial layoutG, e4actly as if
heGd .ust ac5uired the whole place" (ow and again, at the moment of maing a right$
hand turn, he circles my shoulder with his arm $ yet without, happily, touching me"
,e wals 5uicly and #isserand, with his little legs, is hard pressed to eep up $ I
hear him puffing at my side" #wo paces behind us the acolyte brings up the rear, as if
to forestall an eventual surprise attac"
#he meal will prove interminable" #o begin with all goes well, &chnXbele tals about
himself" ,e informs us once more that at twenty$five he is already head of the
computer service, or at least on the way to being so in the near future" ,e will
remind us of his age three times between the hors$dGoeuvre and the main course/
twenty$five"
(e4t he wants to now about our LtrainingG, probably to assure himself that itGs
inferior to his own" B,e himself is an I-R6F, and has the air of being proud of it< I
donGt now what this is but will subse5uently learn that I-R6Fs are a particular ind
of higher civil servant who are only to be found in organi*ations depending on the
2inistry of %griculture $ a bit lie the graduates of the >cole (ationale
dG%dministration, but less 5ualified all the same"C In this respect #isserand gives him
complete satisfaction/ he claims to have been to the >cole &up=rieure de +ommerce
in 1astia, or something of the ind, which is scarcely believable" I chew on my stea
b=arnaise, pretending not to have heard the 5uestion" #he sergeant$ma.or fi4es me
with his beady eye, and for a moment I wonder if he isnGt going to start screaming
L%nswer when youGre spoen toJG< I turn my head s5uarely in the other direction"
Finally #isserand replies in my place" ,e presents me as a Lsystems engineerG" %s if
to give credence to the idea I utter a few phrases about &candinavian norms and
networ changeovers< &chnXbele, on the defensive, twists in his seat< I go to get
myself a crTme caramel"
#he afternoon will be devoted to practical wor on the computer" ItGs then that I
move into action/ while #isserand continues with his e4planations I pass among the
groups to chec that everybody is managing to follow, to accomplish the set
e4ercises" I handle it very well< but then thatGs my .ob"
I am often called upon by the two cuties< they are secretaries, and apparently this is
the first time theyGve been in front of a computer console" &o theyGre a bit panicy
and, whatGs more, rightly so" 1ut each time I go over to them #isserand intervenes,
without hesitating to interrupt his e4planation" ItGs mainly one of the two who
attracts him, I get the feeling< and itGs true that she is ravishing, fleshy, very se4y<
she wears a bustier of blac lace and her breasts move slightly beneath the material"
%las, each time he goes up to the poor little secretary her face contorts in an
e4pression of involuntary repulsion, of disgust, one might almost say" It was bound
to happen"
%t five another bell rings out" #he students gather up their things, prepare to leave<
but &chnXbele maes for us/ the venomous soul has, it seems, another card up his
sleeve" ,e immediately tries to buttonhole me with an opening remar/ LIf anything,
this is a 5uestion, IGd say, for a systems man lie you"G #hen he e4plains his problem
to me/ should he or shouldnGt he buy a thyratron inverter to stabili*e the incoming
voltage of the current feeding the server networ) ,eGs heard conflicting opinions on
the sub.ect" I now absolutely nothing about it and am about to tell him so" 1ut
#isserand, clearly in top form, beats me to it/ a study has .ust been published on the
sub.ect, he audaciously affirms< the conclusions are obvious/ above a certain ratio of
wor to machine the inverter rapidly pays its way, in less than three years in any
event" Onfortunately he doesnGt have the study on him, or even the reference< but
he promises to send him a photocopy on returning to 9aris"
% palpable hit" &chnXbele bacs away, completely brow$beaten< he even goes so far
as to wish us a pleasant evening"
#he evening will firstly consist in finding a hotel" 3n #isserandGs initiative we boo
into the G%rmes +auchoisesG" % nice hotel, a very nice hotel< and anyway our
e4penses are reimbursed, right)
(e4t he wants to have an ap=ritif" 1y all meansJ In the caf= he chooses a table not
far from two girls" ,e sits down, the girls get up and go" (o doubt about it, the plan
is perfectly synchroni*ed" 1ravo girls, bravoJ
In desperation he orders a 2artini< I content myself with a beer" I feel rather
nervous< I donGt stop smoing, I literally light one cigarette after another" ,e tells me
heGs .ust signed on with a gym to lose a bit of weight, Land also to score, of course"G
%n e4cellent idea, IGm not against it"
I reali*e IGm smoing more and more< I must be on at least four pacs a day"
&moing cigarettes has become the only element of real freedom in my life" #he only
act to which I tenaciously cling with my whole being" 2y one ambition"
#isserand ne4t broaches a favourite theme of his, namely that LItGs us guys, the
computer e4perts, weGre the ings"G I suppose by that he means a high salary, a
certain professional status, a great facility for changing .obs" %nd 3;, within these
limits he isnGt wrong" 'e are the ings"
,e e4pands on his idea< I open my fifth pac of +amels" &hortly afterwards he
finishes his 2artini< he wants to return to the hotel to change for dinner" Right then,
fine, letGs go for it"
I wait for him in the lounge while watching television" #hereGs something on about
student demonstrations" 3ne of these, in 9aris, has assumed enormous proportions/
according to the .ournalists there were at least three hundred thousand people on
the streets" It was supposed to be a non$violent demonstration, more lie a big
party" %nd lie all non$violent demonstrations it turned nasty, a student has lost an
eye, a +R& policeman has had a hand torn off, etc"
#he day after this huge demonstration a march has taen place in 9aris to protest
against Lpolice brutalityG" It has passed off in an atmosphere Lof overwhelming
dignityG reports the commentator, who is clearly on the studentsG side" %ll this dignity
gets on my nerves< I change channel and chance on a se4y pop promo" Finally I
switch off"
#isserand returns< heGs put on a sort of evening shell$ suit, blac and gold, which
maes him loo rather lie a scarab beetle" Right then, letGs go for it"
%s to the restaurant, we go at my insistence to #he Flunch" ItGs a place where you
can eat chips with an unlimited 5uantity of mayonnaise Ball you do is scoop as much
mayonnaise as you want from a giant bucetC< IGll be happy, come to that, with a
plate of chips drowned in mayonnaise, and a beer" #isserand himself immediately
orders a couscous royal and a bottle of &idi 1rahim" %fter the second glass of wine he
begins eyeing up the waitresses, the customers, anybody" &ad young man" &ad, sad
young man" IGm well aware of why he basically lies my company so much/ itGs
because I never spea of my girlfriends" I never mae a big thing of my female
con5uests" %nd so he feels .ustified in supposing Brightly, as it happensC that for one
reason or another I donGt have a se4 life< and for him thatGs one less burden, a slight
easing of his own martyrdom" I remember being present at a distressing scene the
day #isserand was introduced to #homassen, whoGd .ust .oined our firm" #homassen
is &wedish in origin< he is e4tremely tall Ba bit over si4 foot three, I reconC, superbly
well$proportioned, and his face is incredibly handsome, sunny and radiant< you really
have the impression of being in the presence of a superman, a demigod"
#homassen first shoo my hand, then went over to #isserand" #isserand got up and
reali*ed that, standing, the other man was a good fifteen inches taller than him" ,e
abruptly sat down, his face went bright red, I even thought for a moment that he
was going to go for #homassenGs throat< it was painful to see"
?ater I made a number of trips to the provinces with #homassen $ for training
sessions, the usual sort of thing" 'e got on really well" IGve remared it time and
again/ e4ceptionally beautiful people are often modest, gentle, affable, considerate"
#hey have great difficulty in maing friends, at least among men" #heyGre forced to
mae a constant effort to try and mae you forget their superiority, be it ever so
little"
#isserand, than -od, has never been called on to mae a trip with #homassen" 1ut
each time a group of training sessions is being organi*ed I now he thins about it,
and that he has a lot of sleepless nights"
%fter the meal he wants to go for a drin in a Lfriendly caf=G" 'onderful"
I follow .ust behind, and I have to say this time his choice turns out to be e4cellent/
we go into a ind of huge vaulted cellar, with old, obviously authentic beams" &mall
wooden tables, lit with candles, are dotted all over the place" % fire burns in an
immense fireplace at the end of the room" #he whole thing maes for an atmosphere
of happy improvi*ation, of congenial disorder"
'e sit down" ,e orders a bourbon and water, I stic to beer" I loo about me and say
to myself that this time this is it, this is perhaps the .ourneyGs end for my lucless
companion" 'eGre in a student caf=, everyoneGs happy, everybody wants to have fun"
#here are lots of tables with two or three young women at them, there are even
some girls alone at the bar"
I watch #isserand while assuming my most engaging air" #he young men and women
in the caf= touch each other" #he women push bac their hair with a graceful
gesture" #hey cross their legs, await the occasion to burst into laughter" In short,
theyGve having fun" (owGs the time to score, right here and now, in this place that
lends itself so perfectly"
,e raises his eyes from his drin and, from behind his glasses, fi4es his ga*e on me"
%nd I remar that heGs run out of steam" ,e canGt go on, he has no more appetite for
the fray, heGs had it up to here" ,e loos at me, his face trembles a little" 7oubtless
itGs the alcohol, he dran too much wine at dinner, the .er" I wonder if he isnGt going
to brea into sobs, recount the stations of his particular cross to me< I feel him
capable of something of the sort< the lenses of his glasses are slightly fogged with
tears"
ItGs not a problem, I can handle it, listen to the lot, carry him bac to the hotel if I
have to< but IGm sure that come tomorrow morning heGll be pissed off with me"
I remain silent< I wait without saying anything< I find no .udicious words to utter" #he
uncertainty persists for a minute or so, then the crisis passes" In a strangely feeble,
almost trembling voice he says to me/ L'eGd best go bac" ,ave to begin first thing
in the morning"G
Right, bac it is" 'eGll finish our drins and bac it is" I light a last cigarette, loo at
#isserand once more" ,e really is totally haggard" 'ordlessly he lets me pay the bill,
wordlessly he follows me as I mae for the door" ,eGs stooped, huddled< heGs
ashamed of himself, hates himself, wishes he were dead"
'e wal in the direction of the hotel" In the street itGs starting to rain" &o there it is,
our first day in Rouen over" %nd I now that on this evidence the days ahead will be
absolutely identical"
2
Ever )a2s a Ne" )a
'itnessed the death of a guy, today, in the (ouvelles -aleries" % very simple death,
A la 9atricia ,ighsmith Bwhat I mean is, with that simplicity and brutality
characteristic of real life which is also found in the novels of 9atricia ,ighsmithC"
,ereGs how it happened" 3n entering the part of the store thatGs arranged as a self$
service I observed a man whose face I couldnGt see stretched out on the floor Bbut I
subse5uently learnt, while listening in on a conversation between the checout girls,
that he must have been about fortyC" % lot of people were already fussing over him" I
went by trying not to linger too long, so as not to show morbid curiosity" It was
around si4 oGcloc"
I bought one or two things/ cheese and sliced bread to eat in my hotel room BIGd
decided to avoid #isserandGs company that particular evening, to rela4 a bitC" 1ut I
hesitated a while over the very varied bottles of wine offered tip to the covetousness
of the public" #he problem was I didnGt have a corscrew" %nd anyway, I donGt lie
wine< this last argument clinched it and I opted for a si4$pac of #uborg"
3n arriving at the checout I learnt from a conversation between the checout girls
and a couple whoGd assisted in the life$saving operation, at least in its final phase,
that the man was dead" #he female partner in the couple was a nurse" &he was
saying that he should have been given heart massage, that maybe this would have
saved him" I donGt now, I now nothing about it, but if that was the case then why
didnGt she do it) I find it hard to comprehend this ind of attitude"
In any event, the conclusion I draw from it all is that in certain circumstances you
can so easily depart this life $ or not, as the case may be"
It canGt be said that this had been a very dignified death, what with all the people
passing by pushing their trolleys Bit was the busiest time of the dayC, in that circus
atmosphere which always characteri*es supermarets" I remember there was even
the (ouvelles -aleries advertising .ingle Bperhaps theyGve changed it sinceC< the
refrain, in particular, consisted of the following words/ Nouvelles 3aleries, todaeee $
$ $ Ever da2s a ne" da " " "
'hen I came out the man was still there" #he body had been wrapped in some
carpets, or more liely thic blanets, tied up very tight with string" It was no longer
a man but a parcel, heavy and inert, and arrangements were being made for its
transport"
%ll in a dayGs wor" It was si4$twenty"
F
The Old Mar#etplace 3ame
I now itGs cra*y but IGve decided to stay in Rouen this weeend" #isserand was
astonished to hear it< I e4plained to him I wanted to see the town and that I had
nothing better to do in 9aris" I donGt really want to see the town"
%nd yet there are very fine medieval remains, some ancient houses of great charm"
Five or si4 centuries ago Rouen must have been one of the most beautiful towns in
France< but now itGs ruined" 6verything is dirty, grimy, run down, spoiled by the
abiding presence of cars, noise, pollution" I donGt now who the mayor is, but it only
taes ten minutes of waling the streets of the old town to reali*e that he is totally
incompetent, or corrupt"
#o mae matters worse there are do*ens of yobs who roar down the streets on their
motorbies or scooters, and without silencers" #hey come in from the Rouen
suburbs, which are nearing total industrial collapse" #heir ob.ective is to mae a
deafening racet, as disagreeable as possible, a racet which should be unbearable
for the local residents" #hey are completely successful"
I leave my hotel around two" 'ithout thining, I go in the direction of the 9lace du
Iieu4 2arch=" It is a truly vast s5uare, bordered entirely by caf=s, restaurants and
lu4ury shops" ItGs here that @oan of %rc was burnt more than five hundred years ago"
#o commemorate the event theyGve piled up a load of weirdly curved concrete slabs,
half stuc in the ground, which turn out on closer inspection to be a church" #here
are also embryonic lawns, flowerbeds, and some ramps which seem destined for
lovers of sateboarding $ unless it be for the cars of the disabled, itGs hard to tell" 1ut
the comple4ity of the place doesnGt end here/ there are also shops in the middle of
the s5uare, under a sort of concrete rotunda, as well as an edifice which loos lie a
bus station"
I settle myself on one of the concrete slabs, determined to get to the bottom of
things" It seems highly liely that this s5uare is the heart, the central nucleus of the
town" @ust what game is being played here e4actly)
I observe right away that people generally go around in bands, or in little groups of
between two and si4 individuals" (o one group is e4actly the same as another, it
appears to me" 3bviously they resemble each other, they resemble each other
enormously, but this resemblance could not be called being the same" ItGs as if theyGd
elected to embody the antagonism which necessarily goes with any ind of
individuation by adopting slightly different behaviour patterns, ways of moving
around, formulas for regrouping"
(e4t I notice that all these people seem satisfied with themselves and the world< itGs
astonishing, even a little frightening" #hey 5uietly saunter around, this one displaying
a 5ui**ical smile, that one a moronic loo" &ome of the youngsters are dressed in
leather .acets with slogans borrowed from the more primitive ind of hard roc< you
can read phrases on their bacs lie 4ill them all( or ,uc# and destro(< but all
commune in the certainty of passing an agreeable afternoon devoted primarily to
consumerism, and thus to contributing to the consolidation of their being"
I observe, lastly, that I feel different from them, without however being able to
define the nature of this difference"
I end up tiring of all this pointless people$watching and tae refuge in a caf=" %nother
mistae" 1etween the tables there circulates an enormous %lsatian, even more
monstrous than most of its race" It stops in front of each customer, as if maing up
its mind if it should or shouldnGt permit itself to bite him"
&i4 feet away a young girl is seated before a big cup of frothy chocolate" #he animal
stops for a while in front of her, it sniffs the cup with its snout as if it were going to
suddenly lap up the contents with one lic of its tongue" I sense that sheGs beginning
to be afraid" I get up" I want to intervene, I hate such beasts" 1ut finally the dog
departs"
%fter that I drifted through the narrow streets" +ompletely by chance I went into the
%Ytre &aint$2aclou/ a huge and magnificent s5uare courtyard entirely bordered with
-othic sculptures in dar wood"
% bit further on I saw a wedding procession coming out of the church" % truly old$
style affair< blue$grey suit, white dress and orange blossom, little bridesmaids """ I
was sitting on a bench not too far from the church steps"
#he bride and groom were getting on a bit" % stocy, rather red$faced man who had
the loo of a rich peasant< a woman a bit larger than him, with a bony face and
glasses" I must say, alas, that the whole thing had something ridiculous about it"
&ome young people passing by were taing the piss out of the newly$weds" Zuite"
For a few minutes I was able to observe all this in a strictly ob.ective manner" %nd
then an unpleasant sensation started to come over me" I got to my feet and 5uicly
left"
#wo hours later, night having fallen, I came out of my hotel once again" I ate a pi**a,
standing up, alone, in an establishment that was deserted $ and which deserved to
remain so" #he pi**a pastry was revolting" #he decor was made up of s5uares of
white mosaic and wall lamps in brushed steel $ youGd have thought yourself in an
operating theatre"
#hen I went to see a porno movie in the one Rouen cinema speciali*ing in such
things" #he place was half full, which is pretty good these days" 2ainly pensioners
and immigrants, of course< there were, however, a few couples"
%fter a while I was surprised to see that people were often changing seats, and for
no apparent reason" 'anting to now the rationale for such behaviour I too changed
places, at the same time as another guy" In fact itGs very simple/ each time a couple
arrives they find themselves surrounded by two or three men, who install themselves
a few seats away and immediately start to masturbate" #heir great wish, I thin, is
that the woman of the couple cast a glance at their dics"
I stayed in the cinema for around an hour, then recrossed Rouen to go to the station"
% few vaguely menacing beggars were hanging about in the concourse" I didnGt tae
any notice of this and .otted down the train times for 9aris"
#he ne4t morning I got up early, I arrived in good time for the first train< I bought a
ticet, waited, and didnGt get on it< and I canGt for the life of me thin why" ItGs all
very unpleasant"
4
It was the following evening that I too ill" %fter dinner #isserand wanted to go to a
club< I declined the invitation" 2y left shoulder was hurting me and I was shivering
all over" Returning to the hotel, I tried to sleep but it was no good< once out flat I
was unable to breathe" I sat up again< the wallpaper was discouraging"
%n hour later I started having difficulty breathing, even sitting up" I made it over to
the sin" 2y colour was cadaverous< the pain had begun its slow descent from the
shoulder towards the heart" #hatGs when I said to myself that maybe my condition
was serious< IGd clearly overdone the cigarettes of late"
I remained leaning against the sin for some twenty minutes, registering the steady
increase of the pain" It ve4ed me greatly to go out again, to go to the hospital, all
that"
%round one in the morning I banged the door shut and went out" 1y now the pain
was clearly locali*ed in the heart region" 6ach breath cost me an enormous effort,
and manifested itself as a muffled whee*ing" I was scarcely able to wal, e4cept by
taing tiny steps, thirty centimetres at very most" I was constantly obliged to lean
against the cars"
I rested for a few minutes against a 9eugeot 2:M, then began the ascent of a street
that appeared to lead to a more important crossroads" It too me around half an
hour to cover five hundred metres" #he pain had stopped getting worse, yet went on
being intense" 3n the other hand my difficulty in breathing was becoming more and
more serious, and that was most alarming" I had the feeling that if this continued I
was going to die within the ne4t few hours, before dawn at any rate" #he in.ustice of
such a sudden death hit me< it could hardly be said that IGd abused life" For a few
years I was, itGs true, in a bit of a bad way< but that was no reason to interrupt the
experiment< on the contrary it could be maintained, rightly so, that life was
contriving to smile on me" In truth, it was all rather badly organi*ed"
'hatGs more, this town and its inhabitants had been instantly repugnant to me" (ot
only did I not want die, but above all I did not want to die in Rouen" #o die in Rouen,
in the midst of the Rouennais, was especially odious to me, even" #hat would be, I
was telling myself in a state of slight delirium probably engendered by the pain, to
accord them too great an honour, these idiot Rouennais" I recall this young couple,
IGd managed to flag down their car at a red light< they must have """ the impression
they gave" I as the way to the hospital< somewhat annoyed, the girl cursorily points
it out to me" % moment of silence" I am barely able to spea, barely able to stand,
itGs obvious IGm in no fit state to get there on my own" I loo at them, I wordlessly
implore their pity, wondering in the meantime if they actually reali*e what it is
theyGre doing" %nd then the lights change to green, and the guy drives off"
7id they e4change a word afterwards to .ustify their behaviour) #hereGs no certainty
they did"
Finally I spot an unhoped$for ta4i" I try and seem blas= when announcing that I want
to go to the hospital, but it doesnGt really wor, and the driver comes close to
refusing" #his pathetic creep will have the gall to say to me, .ust before moving off,
that he Lhopes I wonGt muc up his seat coversG" %s a matter of fact IGd already
heard it said that pregnant women face the same problem when going into labour/
aside from a few +ambodians all the ta4is refuse to tae them for fear of finding
themselves lumbered with bodily discharges on their bac seat"
&o letGs be offJ
3nce in the hospital, it has to be said, the formalities are very 5uic" %n intern loos
after me, maes me do a whole series of tests" ,e wishes, I thin, to assure himself
that IGm not going to die on him within the ne4t hour"
3nce the e4amination is over he comes over to me and announces that I have a
pericardial, and not an infarction as heGd first thought" ,e informs me that the early
symptoms are e4actly the same< but contrary to the infarction, which is often fatal,
the pericardial is a completely benign complaint, itGs not the ind of thing you die of"
LHou must have been scared,G he says" &o as not to complicate things I reply that
yes, but in fact I wasnGt in the least bit scared" I .ust had the feeling I was about to
snuff it at any moment< thatGs different"
(e4t IGm wheeled into the emergency ward" 3nce sitting on the bed I start sobbing"
#hat helps a little" IGm alone in the ward, I donGt have to worry" 6very once in a while
a nurse poes her head round the door, assures herself that my sobbing remains
more or less constant, and goes away again"
7awn breas" % drun is conveyed to the bed ne4t to mine" I continue sobbing softly,
regularly"
%round eight a doctor arrives" ,e informs me that IGm going to be transferred to the
cardiology ward and that heGs going to give me an in.ection to calm me down" #hey
might have thought of this a little sooner, I say to myself" &ure enough the in.ection
sends me straight off to sleep"
3n waing up, #isserand is at my bedside" ,e has a distracted air, yet is glad to see
me at the same time< IGm rather moved by his solicitude" ,e paniced on not finding
me in my room, he has telephoned all over the place/ to the departmental
head5uarters for %griculture, the police station, our company in 9aris """ ,e still
seems rather worried< what with my white face and my perspiring I canGt have a very
healthy appearance, thatGs for sure" I e4plain to him what a pericardial is, that itGs
nothing at all, IGll be bac to rights in less than two wees" ,e wants to have the
diagnosis confirmed by a nurse, who nows nothing about it< he demands to see a
doctor, the top man, whoever """ Finally the intern on duty will give him the
the necessary assurances"
,e comes bac over to me" ,e promises to do the training on his own, to phone the
company to tell them, to tae care of everything< he ass me if I need anything" (o,
not for the moment" #hen he leaves, with a friendly and encouraging grin on his
face" I go bac to sleep almost straightaway"
M
5These children belong to me, these riches belong to me$2 Thus sas the foolish
man, and he is full of "oe$ Trul, one does not belong to oneself$ 6herefore the
children7 6herefore the riches7
$ 7hammapada
3ne soon gets used to hospital" For a whole wee I have been 5uite seriously ill, I
havenGt wanted to move or to spea< but I was seeing people around me who were
chatting, who were speaing to each other of their illnesses with that febrile interest,
that delectation which appears somewhat improper to those in good health< I was
also seeing their families coming to visit" 'ell, nobody was complaining, anyway< all
had an air of being rather satisfied with their lot, despite the scarcely natural way of
life being forced on them< despite, too, the danger hanging over them< because at
the end of the day the life of most of the patients on a cardiology ward is at ris"
I remember this fifty$five$year$old worer, it was his si4th stay/ he greeted everyone,
the doctor, the nurses """ ,e was visibly delighted to be there" %nd yet here was a
man who in private led an e4tremely active life/ he was fi4ing up his house, doing his
garden, etc" I saw his wife, she seemed very nice< they were rather touching in their
way, loving each other lie that at fifty$odd" 1ut the moment he arrived in hospital he
abdicated all responsibility< he happily placed his body in the hands of science" From
then on everything was arranged" &ome day or other heGd be staying for eeps in
this hospital, that much was clear< but that too was arranged" I can see him now,
addressing the doctor with a ind of gluttonous impatience, dropping in the odd
familiar abbreviation which I didnGt understand/ LHouGre gonna do my pneumo and
my venous cath then)G 3h yes, he swore by his venous cath< he taled about it every
single day"
1y comparison I was conscious of being a rather difficult patient" In point of fact I
was e4periencing some difficulty getting a grip on myself once again" ItGs an odd
e4perience seeing oneGs legs as separate ob.ects, a long way off from oneGs mind, to
which they would be reunited more or less by chance, and badly at that" #o imagine
oneself, incredulously, as a heap of twitching limbs" %nd one has need of them, these
limbs, one has terrible need of them" %ll the same they seemed truly bi*arre at
times, truly strange" %bove all the legs"
#isserand has been to see me twice, he has been wonderful, he has brought me
boos and pastries" ,e really wanted to cheer me up, I new< so I listed some boos
for him" 1ut I didnGt actually fancy reading" 2y mind was drifting, ha*y, somewhat
perple4ed"
,e has made a few erotic wisecracs about the nurses, but that was inevitable, 5uite
natural, and IGm not miffed with him about it" 9lus itGs a fact that, what with the
room temperatures, the nurses are usually half naed beneath their uniforms< .ust a
bra and pants, easily visible through their light clothing" #his undeniably maintains a
slight but constant erotic tension, all the more so since they are touching you, one is
oneself almost naed, etc" %nd the sic body still wants for sensual pleasure, alas" If
the truth be told, I cite this from memory< I was myself in a state of almost total
erotic insensitivity, at least during the first wee"
I really got the feeling the nurses and the other patients were surprised I didnGt
receive more visits< so IGve e4plained, for their general edification, that I was on a
professional visit to Rouen at the moment it all happened< this wasnGt my home
town, I didnGt now a soul" In short, I was there by chance"
Het wasnGt there anybody I wanted to get in touch with, inform about my state) In
fact no, there was nobody"
#he second wee was altogether tougher< I was starting to get better, to manifest
the desire to leave" ?ife was looing up again, as they say" #isserand was no longer
around to bring me pastries< he must have been going through his act for the good
people of 7i.on"
?istening by chance to the radio 2onday morning, I learned that the students had
ended their demonstrations, and had of course obtained everything they were asing
for" 3n the other hand an &(+F strie had been called, and had begun in a really
tough atmosphere< the trade union officials appeared overwhelmed by the
intransigence and violence of the striing railwaymen" #hings were proceeding as
normal then" #he struggle was continuing"
#he ne4t morning someone telephoned from my company, asing to spea to me< an
e4ecutive secretary had been given this difficult mission" &he has been perfect,
saying all the right things and assuring me that the reestablishment of my health
mattered more to them than anything else" &he was nevertheless wishing to now if
I would be well enough to go to ?a Roche$sur$ Hon, as planned" I replied that I new
nothing for sure, but that this was my most ardent wish" &he laughed, somewhat
stupidly< but then sheGs a very stupid young woman, as IGd already remared"
R
8ouen&Paris
I left the hospital two days later, rather sooner, I believe, than the doctors would
really have wished" Osually they try and eep you in for the longest possible time so
as to increase their coefficient of occupied beds< but the holiday period has doubtless
inclined them towards clemency" 1esides, the head doctor had promised me, LHouGll
be home for +hristmasG/ those had been his very words" ,ome, I donGt now< but
somewhere, thatGs for sure"
I made my farewells to the worer, whoGd been operated on that same morning"
6verything had gone very well, according to the doctors< be that as it may, he had
the loo of a man whose time was running out"
,is wife absolutely insisted I taste the apple tart her husband didnGt have the
strength to swallow" I accepted< it was delicious" L;eep your chin up, my sonJG he
said to me at the moment of leavetaing" I wished him the same" ,e was right< itGs
something that can always come in useful, eeping your chin up"
Rouen$9aris" 64actly three wees before I was maing this same .ourney in the
opposite direction" 'hatGs changed in the meantime) &mall clusters of houses are
still smoing down in the valley, with their promise of peace and tran5uillity" #he
grass is green" #hereGs sunshine , with small clouds forming a contrast< the light is
more that of spring" 1ut a bit further away the land is flooded< a slight rippling of the
water can be made out between the willows< one imagines a sticy, blacish mud
into which the feet suddenly sin"
(ot far off from me in the carriage a blac guy listens to his 'alman while polishing
off a bottle of @[1" ,e struts down the aisle, bottle in hand" %n animal, probably
dangerous" I try and avoid his ga*e, which is, however, relatively friendly"
%n e4ecutive type, doubtless disturbed by the blac man, comes and plons himself
down opposite me" 'hatGs he doing hereJ ,e should be in first class" Hou never get
any peace"
,e has a Role4 watch, a seersucer .acet" 3n the third finger of his left hand he
wears a conventionally narrow gold wedding ring" ,is face is s5uarish, fran, rather
lieable" ,e might be around forty" ,is pale cream shirt has slightly darer raised
pinstripes" ,is tie is of average width, and of course heGs reading ?es >chos" (ot only
is he reading them but heGs devouring them, as if the meaning of his life might
suddenly depend on this reading"
&o as not to see him IGm obliged to turn towards the landscape" ItGs odd, now it
seems to me the sun has turned to red, as it was during my trip out" 1ut I donGt give
much of a damn< there could be five or si4 red suns out there and it wouldnGt mae a
.ot of difference to the course of my meditations"
I donGt lie this world" I definitely do not lie it" #he society in which I live disgusts
me< advertising sicens me< computers mae me pue" 2y entire wor as a
computer e4pert consists of adding to the data, the cross$referencing, the criteria of
rational decision$maing" It has no meaning" #o tell the truth, it is even negative up
to a point< a useless encumbering of the neurons" #his world has need of many
things, bar more information"
#he arrival in 9aris, as grim as ever" #he leprous faQades of the 9ont +ardinet flats,
behind which one invariably imagines retired fol agoni*ing alongside their cat
9oucette which is eating up half their pension with its Frisies" #hose weird metal
structures that indecently mount each other to form a grid of overhead wires" %nd
the inevitable advertising hoardings flashing by, gaudy and repellent" L% gay and
changing spectacle on the walls"G 1ullshit" 9ure fucing bullshit"
S
I got bac to my apartment without real enthusiasm< the post consisted of a
payment reminder for an erotic phone line BNatacha, "ith the hots for ouC and a
long letter from the #rois &uisses informing me of the setting up of a telecomputer
service for simplified ordering, the +houchoutel" In my capacity as a special client I
could profit from this right away< the entire computer team Binset photosC had
wored flat out so that the service would be operative by +hristmas< the commercial
directrice of the #rois &uisses was pleased to be in the position to personally assign
me a +houchou code"
#he call$counter of my answer machine registered the figure 1, which surprised me a
bit< must be a wrong number" In response to my message a weary and
contemptuous female voice had come out with GHou pathetic creepG before hanging
up" In short, there was nothing eeping me in 9aris"
In any case I really fancied going to the Iend=e" #he Iend=e brought bac lots of
holiday memories for me Brather bad ones in fact, but such is lifeC" I!d retraced some
of these in the form of an animal story called )ialogues *et"een a )achshund and a
Poodle, which could be deemed an adolescent self$portrait" In the final chapter of
this wor one of the dogs is reading aloud, to his companion, a manuscript found in
the roll$top des of his young master/
G?ast year, around 2F %ugust, I was waling along the beach at ?es &ables dG3lonne,
accompanied by my poodle" 'hereas my four$legged friend seemed to
unconstrainedly en.oy the motions of the sea air and the brightness of the sun
Bparticularly een and delightful on this late morningC, I was unable to prevent the
vice of reflection from s5uee*ing my translucid brow, and, crushed by the weight of a
too$heavy burden, my head was sining sadly on my breast"
G3n this occasion I stopped before a young girl who may have been fourteen or so"
&he was playing badminton with her father, or some other game that is played with
racets and a shuttlecoc" ,er clothing bore evidence of the most candid simplicity,
given that she was in a bathing costume, and with naed breasts to boot"
(evertheless, and at this stage one can only bow before such perseverance, her
whole attitude manifested the deployment of an ongoing attempt at seduction" #he
ascending movement of her arms at the moment she missed the pro.ectile, although
it had the added advantage of pushing forward the two ochraceous globes
constituting an already more than nascent bosom, was principally accompanied by a
smile at once amused and disconsolate, ultimately replete with an intense .oie de
vivre, which she was manifestly directing at all the adolescent males passing within a
radius of fifty metres" %nd this, let it be noted, in the very midst of an activity both
eminently sportive and familial in character"
G,er little stratagem was not, moreover, without producing its effect, as I was 5uic
to reali*e< drawing near to her, the boys were rolling their shoulders, and the
cadenced scissoring of their gait was slowing to a noteworthy degree" #urning her
head towards them with a lively movement which provoed in her hair a temporary
dishevelment not denuded of a saucy grace, she then bestowed upon the most
interesting of her victims a fleeting smile immediately contradicted by a no less
charming movement aimed this time at hitting the shuttlecoc dead centre"
G%nd so I found myself returning once again to a sub.ect of meditation which for
years has not ceased haunting my thoughts/ why, having once attained a certain
age, do boys and girls reciprocally pass their time in flirting and seducing each other)
G+ertain people will say, in a charming voice, KIt is the awaening of se4ual desire, no
more no less, that is all"K I understand this point of view< I have myself long shared
it" It can pride itself in mobili*ing on its side the multiple lineaments of thought which
intersect, as translucid .elly, at our ideological hori*on as well as in the robust
centripetal force of good sense" It might, then, seem audacious, even suicidal, to run
smac into its incontrovertible premises" #his I shall not do" I am very far, in fact,
from seeing to deny the e4istence and the strength of se4ual desire in adolescent
humans" #ortoises themselves feel it and do not venture, in these troubled times, to
importune their young master" It nonetheless remains a fact that certain grave and
concordant indices, lie a rosary of strange facts, have progressively led me to
suppose the e4istence of a more profound and more hidden force, a veritable
e4istential nodosity from whence desire would arise" I have not, hitherto, personally
informed anyone of this, so as not to dissipate in idle chatter the credit for mental
health that men have generally accorded me during the time of our relations" 1ut my
conviction has now taen shape, and it is time to spea out"
G64ample number 1" ?et us consider a group of young people who are together of an
evening, or indeed on holiday in 1ulgaria" %mong these young people there e4ists a
previously formed couple< let us call the boy FranQois and the girl FranQoise" 'e will
have before us a concrete, banal and easily observable e4ample"
G?et us abandon these young people to their amusing activities, but before that let us
clip from their actual e4perience a number of aleatory temporal segments which we
will film with the aid of a high$speed camera concealed in the environs" It is apparent
from a series of measurements that FranQoise and FranQois will spend around FS\ of
their time in issing and canoodling, in short in bestowing mars of the greatest
reciprocal tenderness"
G?et us now repeat the e4periment in annulling the aforesaid social environment,
which is to say that FranQoise and FranQois will be alone" #he percentage drops
straightaway to 1S\"
G64ample number 2" I wish to spea to you now of a poor young girl whose name
was 1rigitte 1ardot" Hes, itGs true" In my si4th$form class there really was a girl called
1ardot, since her father was called thus" I have looed up various information on
him/ he was a scrap merchant from near #rilport" ,is wife was not woring< she
stayed at home" #hese people hardly ever went to the cinema, I am persuaded they
didnGt call her by this name deliberately< perhaps for the first few years they were
even amused by the coincidence """ It is difficult to say"
G%t the time I new her, in the bloom of her seventeen years, 1rigitte 1ardot was
truly repulsive" First of all she was e4tremely fat, a porer and even a super$porer,
with abundant rolls of fat gracelessly disposed at the intersections of her obese body"
Het had she followed a slimming diet of the most frightening severity for twenty$five
years her fate would not have been maredly improved" 1ecause her sin was
blotchy, puffy, and acned" %nd her face was wide, flat and round, with little deep$set
eyes, and straggly, lustreless hair" Indeed, the comparison with a sow forced itself on
everyone in an inevitable and natural way"
G&he had no girlfriends, and obviously no boyfriends" &he was therefore completely
alone" (obody addressed a word to her, not even during a physics test< they would
always prefer to address themselves to someone else" &he came to classes then
returned home< never did I hear it said that someone might have seen her other
than at school"
G7uring classes certain people sat ne4t to her< they got used to her massive
presence" #hey didnGt notice her and neither did they poe fun at her" &he didnGt
participate in discussions in the philosophy class< she didnGt participate in anything at
all" &he wouldnGt have been more tran5uil on the planet 2ars"
GI suppose her parents must have loved her" 'hat would she do of an evening, after
getting home) 1ecause surely she must have had a room, with a bed, and some
teddies dating from her childhood" &he must have watched the telly with her parents"
% dar room, and three beings united by the photonic flu4< such is the image I have"
G%s for &undays, I can well imagine the immediate family welcoming her with feigned
cordiality" %nd her cousins, probably pretty" % depressing thought"
G7id she have fantasies, and if so which) Romantic ones A la 1arbara +artland) I find
it hard to believe that she might have somehow imagined, be it only in a dream, that
a young man of good family pursuing his studies in medicine would one day nourish
the prospect of taing her in his open$top car to visit the abbeys of the (ormandy
coast" Onless, perhaps, she were previously provident with a penitentGs hood, so
lending a mysterious edge to the adventure"
G,er hormonal mechanisms must have functioned normally, thereGs no reason to
suppose otherwise" %nd then) 7oes that suffice for having erotic fantasies) 7id she
imagine masculine hands lingering between the folds of her obese belly) 7escending
as far as her se4ual parts) I turn to medicine and medicine can afford me no answer"
#here are many things concerning 1ardot I have not managed to elucidate" I have
tried"
GI didnGt go as far as sleeping with her" I merely too the first steps along the path
which normally leads to this" #o be e4act, I began at the beginning of (ovember to
spea to her, a few words at the end of class, nothing more than this for a whole
fortnight" %nd then, on two or three occasions I ased her for e4planations on such
and such a point of mathematics< all this with great prudence, and without drawing
attention to myself" %round mid$7ecember I began to touch her hand, in a seemingly
accidental way" 6ach time she reacted as if to an electric shoc" It was rather
impressive"
G#he culminating point of our relations was attained .ust before +hristmas, when I
again accompanied her to her train Bin reality a rail$carC" %s the station was more
than eight hundred metres away this was no mean feat< I was even spotted on this
occasion" In class I was generally taen to be a rather weird person, so this in fact
only did limited harm to my social image"
G#hat evening, in the middle of the platform, I issed her on the chee" I did not iss
her on the mouth" 'hat is more I thin that parado4ically she would not have
permitted this, since even if her lips and her tongue had never ever nown the
e4perience of contact with a masculine tongue she nonetheless had a very precise
idea of the time and place when this operation ought to tae place within the
archetypal unfolding of adolescent flirting, I would even say that a more precise idea
than the latter had never had occasion to be rectified and assuaged by the fluid
vapour of the lived instant"
GImmediately after the +hristmas holidays I stopped speaing to her" #he guy who
had spotted me near the station seemed to have forgotten the incident, but I had
been afraid even so" In any case, dating 1ardot would have demanded a moral
strength far superior to the one I could, even at the time, pride myself on" 1ecause
not only was she ugly but she was plain nasty" -oaded on by se4ual liberation Bit was
right at the beginning of the U:s, %I7& still did not e4istC, she couldnGt mae appeal
to some ethical notion of virginity, obviously" 3n top of that she was too intelligent
and too lucid to account for her state as being a product of K@udeo$+hristian
influenceK $ in any case her parents were agnostics" %ll means of evasion were thus
closed to her" &he could only assist, in silent hatred, at the liberation of others<
witness the boys pressing themselves lie crabs against othersG bodies< sense the
relationships being formed, the e4periments being undertaen, the orgasms surging
forth< live to the full a silent self$destruction when faced with the flaunted pleasure of
others" #hus was her adolescence to unfold, and thus it unfolded/ .ealousy and
frustration fermented slowly to become a swelling of paro4ystic hatred"
GIn the end I am not terribly proud of this story" #he whole thing was too manifestly
ludicrous to be devoid of cruelty" For e4ample I recall myself greeting her one
morning with these words, K3h, you have a new dress, 1rigitte"K It was really
repulsive, even if true< because the fact is ama*ing but nonetheless real/ she2d
changed her dress, I even remember one time when sheGd put a ribbon in her hair/
3h my -odJ a calfGs head decorated with chopped parsley, more lie" I implore her
pardon in the name of all humanity"
G#he desire for love is deep in man, it plunges its roots to astonishing depths, and the
multiplicity of its radicles is intercalated in the very substance of the heart" 7espite
the avalanche of humiliations which made up her daily life, 1rigitte 1ardot waited and
hoped" &he is probably waiting and hoping still" In her situation a viper would already
have committed suicide" 2anind is supremely self$confident"G
G%fter having taen a long and hard loo at the echelonment of the various
appendices of the se4ual function, the moment appears to have arrived to e4pound
the central theorem of my apocriti5ue" Onless you were to put a halt to the
implacable unfolding of my reasoning with the ob.ection that, good prince, I will
permit you to formulate/ KHou tae all your e4amples from adolescence, which is
indeed an important period in life, but when all is said and done it only occupies an
e4ceedingly brief fraction of this" %re you not afraid, then, that your conclusions, the
finesse and rigour of which we admire, may ultimately turn out to be both partial and
limited)K #o this amiable adversary I will reply that adolescence is not only an
important period in life, but that it is the only period where one may spea of life in
the full sense of the word" #he attractile drives are unleashed around the age of
thirteen, after which they gradually diminish, or rather they are resolved in models of
behaviour which are, after all, only constrained forces" #he violence of the initial
e4plosion means that the outcome of the conflict may remain uncertain for years<
this is what is called a transitory regime in electrodynamics" 1ut little by little the
oscillations become slower, to the point of resolving themselves in mild and
melancholic long waves< from this moment on all is decided, and life is nothing more
than a preparation for death" #his can be e4pressed in a more brutal and less e4act
way by saying that man is a diminished adolescent"
G%fter having taen a long and hard loo at the echelonment of the various
appendices of the se4ual function, the moment seems to me to have come to
e4pound the central theorem of my apocriti5ue" For this I will utili*e the lever of a
condensed but ade5uate formulation, to wit/
9exualit is a sstem of social hierarch
G%t this stage it will more than ever behove me to swathe my formulation in the
austere garb of rigour" #he ideological enemy is often crouching close to the target,
and with a long cry of hatred he throws himself, at the entry to the last bend, on the
imprudent thiner who, into4icated from feeling the first rays of truth already
alighting on his anaemic brow, had stupidly neglected to guard his rear" I will not
imitate this error, and, letting the candelabra of stupefaction light themselves in your
brains, I will continue to unwind the coils of my reasoning with the silent moderation
of the rattlesnae" #hus I will tae care to ignore the ob.ection any attentive reader
would not fail to confront me with/ in the second e4ample I surreptitiously introduced
the concept of love, whereas until now my argument was based on pure se4uality"
+ontradiction) Incoherence) ,a ha haJ
G#he marriage of 2arthe and 2artin goes bac forty$three years" %s they were
married at twenty$one this maes them si4ty$four" #hey are already retired or close
to being so, in accordance with the social regulations which apply in their case" #hey
will, as they say, end their lives together" In these circumstances it is patently
obvious that the entity KcoupleK is formed, pertinent outside of any social contract,
and which even manages on certain minor levels to e5ual or e4ceed in importance
the old ape that is man" In my opinion it is within this framewor that the possibility
of giving a meaning to the word KloveK can be reconsidered"
G%fter having girded my thought with the sharpened staes of restriction I can now
add that, despite its ontological fragility, the concept of love possesses or used to
possess until recently all the attributes of a prodigious operative energy" Forged in
haste, it 5uicly met with a large audience, and rare are those who clearly and
deliberately renounce loving, even in our own times" #his transparent success would
tend to demonstrate a mysterious correspondence with some unnown constituent
need of human nature" ,owever, and it is precisely on this point that the aware
analyst parts company with the spinner of idle tales, I shall be careful not to
formulate the most succinct hypothesis on the nature of the aforesaid need" *e that
as it ma, love exists, since one can observe its effects" ,ere is a phrase worthy of
+laude 1ernard, and I want to dedicate it to him" 3 unassailable savantJ it is no mere
accident that the observations most distant in appearance from the ob.ect that you
initially considered come to be lined up one after the other, lie so many plump
partridges, beneath the radiant ma.esty of your protective halo" It must indeed
possess a very great power, the e4perimental protocol you set out in 1URM with such
rare penetration, for the most e4travagant facts to only manage to cross the
tenebrous frontier of scientificity after having been situated within the rigidity of your
infle4ible laws" I salute you, unforgettable physiologist, and I loudly declare that I
shall do nothing which might, however minimally, curtail the length of your reign"
G+learly setting down the columns of an indubitable a4iomatic, I will thirdly cause it
to be observed that, contrary to appearances, the vagina is much more than a hole
in a lump of meat" BHes, I now that butcher boys masturbate using escalopes " " "
?ong may they do soJ It is not this which will hold bac the prosecution of my
thoughtJC In reality the vagina serves or used to serve until 5uite recently for the
reproduction of the species" Hes, the species"
G+ertain writers of the past have thought fit, in evoing the vagina and its attendant
parts, to sport the stupidly dumb e4pression and blan loo of a milestone" 3n the
contrary, various others, ain to saprophytes, have wallowed in baseness and
cynicism" ?ie the e4perienced pilot I shall navigate at e5ual distance from these
symmetrical reefs< better still, I shall rely upon the tra.ectory of their mid$
perpendicular to open my ample and intransigent passage towards the idyllic regions
of precise reasoning" #he three noble truths that have .ust lit up your eyes must
therefore be considered as the generating trihedron of a pyramid of wisdom which,
unprecedented marvel, will fly light$winged over the weathered oceans of doubt" It is
sufficient to underline their importance" (otwithstanding that at the present time
they somewhat suggest, in their si*e and their abrupt character, three columns of
granite erected in the middle of the desert Bsuch as can be observed, for e4ample, in
the plain of #hebesC" It would, on the whole, be inimical and hardly consistent with
the spirit of this treatise if I were to abandon my reader facing their overbearing
verticality" It is for this that the .oyous spirals of diverse adventitious propositions will
see to entwine themselves about these first a4ioms, propositions that I am now
going to outline " " "G
(aturally, the wor was unfinished" Furthermore, the dachshund dropped off to sleep
before the end of the poodleGs speech< yet certain indices would lead one to assume
that it was in possession of the truth, and that the latter could be e4pressed in a few
sober phrases" In the end I was young, I was having fun" It was before I=roni5ue, all
that< they were the good times" I remember at the age of seventeen, when I was
once e4pressing contradictory and confused thoughts on the world, a fifty$year$old
woman encountered in a buffet car had said to me, LHouGll see, as you get older
things get much simpler"G ,ow right she wasJ
U
*ac# to the +o"s
%t M"M2 on a bitterly cold morning the train made its way into ?a Roche$sur$Hon" #he
town was silent, peaceful< absolutely peaceful" GRight, thenJG I say to myself" G(owGs
the time for a little wal in the countryside " " "G
I passed through the deserted, or practically deserted, streets of the suburbs" %t first
I tried comparing the characteristics of the semis but it was really difficult, the sun
not having come up yet< I 5uicly gave it up"
% few of the inhabitants were already up and about, despite the early hour< they
watched me go by from their garages" #hey seemed to be asing themselves what I
was doing there" If theyGd have 5uestioned me IGd have been hard pressed to give
them an answer" In fact nothing .ustified my presence here" (either here nor
anywhere else, to tell the truth"
#hen I arrived in the countryside proper" #here were fences, and behind the fences
cows" % slight blueness announced the approach of dawn"
I looed at the cows" 2ost of them weren!t asleep, theyGd already started gra*ing" I
remared to myself that they were right< they must have been cold, may as well
tae a little e4ercise" I observed them benevolently, without in the least intending to
disturb their early$morning peace and 5uiet" &ome of them came over to the fence,
without mooing, and looed at me" #hey were leaving me in peace too" #hat was
fine"
?ater I too myself off to the departmental head5uarters for %griculture" #isserand
was already there< he shoo my hand with surprising warmth"
#he director was waiting for us in his office" ,e turned out, right away, to be a rather
lieable guy< obviously a ind and simple soul" 3n the other hand he was totally
impervious to the technological message we were supposed to bring him"
+omputers, he tells us bluntly, he wants nothing to do with them" ,e has no wish to
change his wor habits .ust for the sae of being modern" #hings are going nicely the
way they are, and theyGll go on doing so at least as long as heGs here" If heGs agreed
to our coming itGs only for not having hassles with the 2inistry, but the moment
weGve gone heGll put the software in a cupboard and not touch it again"
In these circumstances the training sessions appeared to be an amiable pleasantry, a
way of chatting to pass the time" #hat didnGt bother me in the least"
3ver the ne4t few days I reali*e that #isserand is gradually losing it" %fter +hristmas
he leaves to go siing with an Onder$2Ms club< the Lno boring old fartsG ind, with
evenings in the discothT5ue and breafasting late< in short, the ind where you do a
lot of fucing" 1ut he evoes the prospect without enthusiasm< I get the feeling he
doesnGt believe it for a minute" From time to time his bespectacled ga*e drifts
aimlessly over me" ,e gives the impression of being bewitched" I now how it is< I
e4perienced the same thing two years ago, .ust after my separation from I=roni5ue"
Hou get the feeling you can roll about on the ground, slash your veins with a ra*or
blade or masturbate in the m=tro and nobody will pay any attention, nobody will lift a
finger" %s if you were protected from the world by a transparent film, inviolable and
perfect" %nyway #isserand said so the other day BheGd been driningC/ LI feel lie a
shrin$ wrapped chicen leg on a supermaret shelf"G ,eGs also come out with/ LI feel
lie a frog in formaldehyde" 1esides, I resemble a frog, donGt I)G I gently replied
LRaphaWl " " "G in a reproachful tone" ,e started< itGs the first time IGve called him by
his +hristian name" ,e was flustered and didnGt say a word"
#he ne4t morning at breafast he stared long and hard at his bowl of (es5ui< and
then in an almost dreamy voice he sighed, LFuc itJ IGm twenty$eight and still a
virginJG was astonished, even so< he then e4plained that a vestige of pride had
always stopped him from going "ith "hores" I upbraided him for this< a bit too
strongly perhaps, since he persisted in e4plaining his point of view to me again that
very evening< .ust before leaving to 9aris for the weeend" 'e were in the paring
lot of the departmental head office for %griculture< the street lamps were e4uding an
e4tremely unpleasant yellowish light< the air was cold and damp" ,e said, LIGve done
my sums, you see< IGve enough to pay for one whore a wee< &aturday evening,
thatGd be good" 2aybe IGll end up doing it" 1ut I now that some men can get the
same for free, and "ith love to boot" I prefer trying< for the moment I still prefer
trying"G
3bviously, I couldnGt come up with anything to say, but I returned to my hotel deep
in thought" ItGs a fact, I mused to myself, that in societies lie ours se4 truly
represents a second system of differentiation, completely independent of money<
and as a system of differentiation it functions .ust as mercilessly" #he effects of these
two systems are, furthermore, strictly e5uivalent" @ust lie unrestrained economic
liberalism, and for similar reasons, se4ual liberalism produces phenomena of
absolute pauperi.ation" &ome men mae love every day< others five or si4 times in
their life, or never" &ome mae love with do*ens ofwomen< others with none" ItGs
whatGs nown as Lthe law of the maretG" In an economic system where unfair
dismissal is prohibited, every person more or less manages to find their place" In a
se4ual system where adultery is prohibited, every person more or less manages to
find their bed mate" In a totally liberal se4ual system certain people have a varied
and e4citing erotic life< others are reduced to masturbation and solitude" 6conomic
liberalism is an e4tension of the domain of the struggle, its e4tension to all ages and
all classes of society" &e4ual liberalism is liewise an e4tension of the domain of the
struggle, its e4tension to all ages and all classes of society" 3n the economic plane
Raphael #isserand belongs in the victorsG camp< on the se4ual plane in that of the
van5uished" +ertain people win on both levels< others lose on both" 1usinesses fight
over certain young professionals< women fight over certain young men< men fight
over certain young women< the trouble and strife are considerable"
% little later I came out of my hotel with the clear intention of getting pissed" I found
a caf= open opposite the station< a few teenagers were playing pinball and that was
about it" %fter the third cognac my thoughts turned to -=rard ?everrier"
-=rard ?everrier was an administrator in the %ssembl=e (ationale, in the same
department as I=roni5ue Bwho was woring there as a secretaryC" -=rard ?everrier
was twenty$si4 and earned thirty thousand francs a month" ,owever, -=rard
?everrier was shy and prone to depression" 3ne Friday evening in 7ecember Bhe
didnGt have to go bac on the 2onday< somewhat against his better .udgment heGd
taen a fortnight off 0for the holidaysGC, -=rard ?everrier went bac home and put a
bullet in his brains"
#he news of his death didnGt really surprise anyone in the %ssembl=e (ationale< he
was mainly nown there for the problems he was encountering in buying himself a
bed" ,eGd decided on the purchase months before< but the reali*ation of his pro.ect
was proving impossible" #he tale was usually told with a faint ironic smile< yet there
was nothing to laugh about< these days the purchase of a bed does present
enormous difficulties, enough to drive you to suicide" #o begin with delivery has to be
arranged, and then usually half a day taen off wor, with all the problems that
entails" &ometimes the delivery men donGt come, or maybe they donGt manage to get
the bed up the stairs and you are obliged to as for another half$day off" #hese
problems recur for all furniture and domestic appliances, and the accumulation of
difficulties resulting from this can already be enough to seriously unhinge a sensitive
person" 3f all your furniture the bed poses a particular, eminently distressing
problem" If you want to retain the goodwill of the salesman you are obliged to buy a
double bed, whether you need one or not, whether you have the room for it or not"
#o buy a single bed is to publicly admit you donGt have a se4 life, and that you donGt
envisage having one in the near or even distant future Bbeds last a long time these
days, way beyond the guarantee date< itGs a matter of five, ten or even twenty
years< this is a serious investment, which commits you in practical terms for the rest
of your days< beds last on an average much longer than marriages, as is well$
nownC" 6ven the purchase of a 14:$centimetre bed maes you pass for a stingy and
narrow petit$bourgeois< in the salesmenGs eyes the 1R:$ centimetre bed is the only
one really worth buying< in which case you have a right to their respect, to their
consideration, even to a slight nowing smile< this they only grant for the 1R:$
centimetre bed"
3n the evening of -=rard ?everrierGs death his father phoned up his wor< since he
was out of the office it was I=roni5ue who too the call" #he message was simply to
phone his father urgently< she forgot to pass it on" &o -=rard ?everrier got bac
home at si4 without nowing about the message and put a bullet in his brains"
I=roni5ue told me this the evening of the day they learnt about his death at the
%ssembl=e (ationale< she added that it Lscared the shit out of herG< those were her
e4act words" I imagined she was going to feel some sort of guilt, remorse< not at all<
sheGd already forgotten by the ne4t morning"
I=roni5ue was Lin analysisG, as they say< today I regret ever having met her"
-enerally speaing, thereGs nothing to be had from women in analysis" % woman
fallen into the hands of the psychoanalysts becomes absolutely unfit for use, as IGve
discovered time and again" #his phenomenon should not be taen as a secondary
effect of psychoanalysis, but rather as its principal goal" Onder the prete4t of
reconstructing the ego psychoanalysts proceed, in reality, to a scandalous
destruction of the human being" Innocence, generosity, purity " " " all such things are
rapidly crushed by their uncouth hands" ,andsomely remunerated, pretentious and
stupid, psychoanalysts reduce to absolute *ero any aptitude in their so$called
patients for love, be it mental or physical< in fact they behave as true enemies of
manind" % ruthless school of egoism, psychoanalysis cynically lays into decent,
slightly fuced$up young women and transforms them into vile scumbags of such
delirious egocentrism as to warrant nothing but well$earned contempt" 3n no
account must any confidence be placed in a woman whoGs passed through the hands
of the psychoanalysts" 9ettiness, egoism, arrogant stupidity, complete lac of moral
sense, a chronic inability to love/ there you have an e4haustive portrait of the
LanalysedG woman"
I=roni5ue, it has to be said, corresponded blow by blow to this description" I loved
her $ to the e4tent that it was within my power $ which represents a lot of love" #his
love was poured down the drain, I now reali*e< IGd have done better to brea both
her arms" ?ie all depressives she doubtless always had a tendency towards egoism
and a lac of feeling< but her psychoanalysis transformed her once and for all into a
total shit, lacing both guts and conscience $ a detritus wrapped in silver paper" I
remember she had a white plastic board on which she ordinarily wrote things lie
Gpetits poisG or Ldry cleanersG" 3ne evening, coming bac from her session, sheGd
noted down this phrase of ?acanGs/ Lthe viler you are, the better it will be"G IGd
smiled< in this I was wrong" %t this stage the phrase was still only a programme< but
she was going to put it into practice, point by point"
3ne evening when I=roni5ue was out I swallowed a bottle of ?argactyl" -ripped by
panic, I called the emergency services straightaway" #hey had to tae me to hospital,
give me a stomach pump, etc" In fine, I only .ust made it" #hat bastard Bwhat else
can you call her)C didnGt even come and see me in hospital" 3n getting bac LhomeG,
if it can be called that, all she managed to find as words of welcome was that I was
an egoist and a flae< her interpretation of the incident was that I was contriving to
cause her e4tra worry, she Lwho already had enough on her plate with problems at
wor"G #he vile bitch even claimed I was indulging in Lemotional blacmailG< when I
thin of it now, I regret not taing a nife to her ovaries" 1ut then this is all in the
past"
I also recall the evening sheGd called the cops to get me thrown out of her place" 'hy
Lher placeG) 1ecause the apartment was in her name, and she was paying the rent
more often than I was" %nd thatGs the first effect of psychoanalysis< to develop an
unbelievably ridiculous avarice and pettiness in its victims" 'aste of time trying to go
to the caf= with someone whoGs doing analysis/ he inevitably starts discussing the
fine points of the bill, and that leads to problems with the waiter" In short there were
these three idiot cops with their walie$talies and their air of nowing more about
life than anybody else" I was in py.amas and shivering from the cold< my hands were
gripping the table legs, under the tablecloth< I was absolutely determined to mae
them tae me by force" 7uring all this my scumbag friend was showing them the
rent receipts in order to establish her rights to the place< she was probably hoping
theyGd get their truncheons out" #hat same evening sheGd had a LsessionG< her whole
stoc of meanness and egoism was replenished< but I didnGt give in, I ased for a
warrant, and those stupid policemen had to 5uit the premises" %nyway, I left for
good the ne4t morning"
9
*uccaneer +ottages
All of a sudden it didn2t bother me not being modern$
$ Roland 1arthes
6arly &aturday morning I find a ta4i$driver on the 9lace de la -are who agrees to
drive me to ?es &ables$ dG3lonne"
3n leaving the town we pass through successive bans of mist, then, emerging from
the last, we plunge into an absolute sea of dense fog" #he road and the landscape
are completely inundated" (othing can be made out, save the odd tree or cow which
emerges as a fleeting blur" It is very beautiful"
%rriving by the sea, the weather suddenly clears" #hereGs a wind, a lot of wind, but
the sy is almost blue< some clouds are scudding rapidly east" I get out of the ta4i
after giving the driver a tip, which earns me a L,ave a nice dayG, uttered somewhat
grudgingly it seems to me" ,e probably thins IGm going fishing for crabs, something
of the sort"
For a while I actually do stroll along the beach" #he sea is grey, rather choppy" I
donGt feel anything much" I wal for a good while"
%round eleven people begin arriving with their ids and dogs" I turn in the opposite
direction"
%t the end of the beach at ?es &ables$dG3lonne, in the prolongation of the .etty that
seals off the port, there are a few old houses and a Romanes5ue church" (othing
overly spectacular/ these are edifices of robust coarse stone built to withstand the
storms, and which have withstood the storms for hundreds of years" Hou can readily
imagine the ancient way of life of the &ables fishermen, with &unday mass in the
little church, communion for the faithful, while the wind howls outside and the ocean
pounds against the rocy coast" It was a life without distraction and without incident,
dominated by a tough and dangerous .ob of wor" % simple and rustic life, full of
nobility" %n e4tremely stupid way of life, too"
(ot far from these houses are some modern white residences meant for
holidaymaers" #hereGs a whole bunch of these apartment blocs, of a height varying
between ten and twenty floors" #he blocs are laid out on a multi$level promenade,
the lower level being arranged as a paring lot" I waled for a long time from one
bloc to the other, which permits me to affirm that the bul of the apartments must,
by virtue of various architectural ploys, have a view of the sea" %t this time of year
everything was deserted, and the whistling of the wind swirling between the concrete
structures had something truly sinister about it"
I then made for a more recent and lu4urious residence, this time situated .ust a few
metres from the sea" It bore the name L1uccaneer +ottagesG" #he ground floor was
made up of a supermaret, a pi**eria and a discothT5ue< all three of them shut" %
placard e4tended an invitation to visit the show flat"
#his time an unpleasant sensation began taing hold of me" #o imagine a family of
holidaymaers returning to their 1uccaneer +ottage before going to scoff their
escalope of veal in pirate sauce, and that their youngest daughter might go and get
laid in a LHe 3lde +ape$ ,ornerG$style nightspot, was all becoming a bit too much<
but there was nothing I could do about it"
1y now I was hungry" I hooed up with a dentist at a waffle$sellerGs stand" In fact
Lhooed upG is stretching it a bit< letGs .ust say we e4changed a few words while
waiting for the vendor to come bac" I donGt now why he thought it necessary to
inform me that he was a dentist" In general I hate dentists< I tae them to be
e4ceedingly venal creatures whose only goal in life is to wrench out the most teeth
possible and buy themselves a 2ercedes with a sun$roof" %nd this one didnGt have
the air of being any e4ception to the rule"
&omewhat absurdly I thought it necessary to .ustify my presence one more time and
spun him a whole line about how I had the intention of buying an apartment in
1uccaneer +ottages" ,is interest was awaened right away, and with waffle in hand
he weighed up the pros and cons for a while before finally concluding that the
investment Lseemed wise to himG" I ought to have guessed"
1:
The Port of +all
Ah es, to have values( $ $ $
'hen I got bac to ?a Roche$sur$Hon I bought a stea nife in the Onico< I was
beginning to perceive the rudiments of a plan"
&unday was non$e4istent< 2onday particularly dreary" I sensed, without needing to
as him, that #isserand had had a lousy weeend< this didnGt surprise me in the
least" It was already 22 7ecember" #he following evening we went to eat in a
pi**eria" #he waiter had the air of actually being Italian< one imagined him to be
both hairy and charming< he deeply disgusted me" 3n top of that he hurriedly set
down our respective spaghettis without due care" %h, if weGd been wearing slit sirts
that would have been differentJ " " "
#isserand was nocing bac huge glasses of wine< I was evoing different
tendencies within contemporary dance music" ,e wasnGt responding< in fact I donGt
thin he was even listening" (evertheless, when I briefly described the time$
honoured alternation of fast and slow records, so as to underline the ritual character
it had lent to the procedures of seduction, his interest was re$awaened Bhad he
already had occasion, personally, to dance to a slow number) It was by no means
certainC" I went on to the offensive/
$I suppose youGre doing something for +hristmas" 'ith the fols, no doubt """
$'e do nothing at +hristmas, IGm @ewish, he informed me with a touch of pride" %t
least, my parents are @ewish, he added in an undertone"
#his revelation shut me up for a few seconds" 1ut after all, @ewish or not, did that
really change anything) If so, I couldn!t see what" I pressed on"
$'hat about doing something on the 24th) I now a club in ?es &ables, The Port of
+all" Iery friendly """
I had the feeling my words were ringing false< I was ashamed of myself" 1ut
#isserand was no longer in any state to pay attention to such subtleties" L7o you
thin thereGll be lots of people) I get the impression the 24th is very KfamilyK,G that
was his feeble, pathetic ob.ection" I conceded that of course the F1st would be much
better/ L-irls really lie to sleep around on the F1st,G I asserted with authority" 1ut
for all that the 24th wasnGt to be dismissed/ L-irls eat oysters with the parents and
the grandmother, receive their presents" 1ut after midnight they go clubbing,G I was
getting e4cited, believing my own story< #isserand proved easy to convince, .ust as
IGd predicted"
#he following evening he too three hours to get ready" I waited for him while
playing dominoes in the hotel lounge< I played both hands at once, it was really
boring< all the same I was rather an4ious"
,e showed up dressed in a blac suit and a gold tie< his hair must have taen him a
good while< they mae gels now that give the most surprising results" In the end a
blac outfit was what suited him best< poor schmuc"
'e still had almost an hour to ill< there was no point in going clubbing before
eleven$thirty, I was categorical about that" %fter a brief discussion we went to have a
loo$see at the midnight mass< the priest was speaing of an immense hope rising in
the hearts of men< I found nothing to ob.ect to in that" #isserand was getting bored,
was thining of other things< I began to feel somewhat disgusted, but I had to go
through with it" IGd placed the stea nife in a plastic bag in the front of the car"
I found The Port of +all again without difficulty< IGd passed many a dull evening
there, it has to be said" #his was going bac more than ten years< but unpleasant
memories are erased less 5uicly than one thins"
#he club was half$full/ mainly of twenty$five$year$ olds, which immediately did for
the modest chances of #isserand" % lot of minisirts, low$cut bustiers< in short, fresh
meat" I saw his eyes suddenly pop out on taing in the dance floor< I left to order a
bourbon at the bar" 3n my return he was already standing nervously at the edge of
the clutch of dancers" I vaguely murmured LIGll re.oin you in a minuteG, and made off
towards a table whose slightly prominent position would afford me an e4cellent view
of the theatre of operations"
#o begin with #isserand appeared to be interested in a twenty$something brunette, a
secretary most lie" I was highly inclined to approve of his choice" 3n the one hand
the girl was no great beauty, and would doubtless be a pushover< her breasts,
though good$si*ed, were already a bit slac, and her buttocs appeared flaccid< in a
few years, one felt, all this would sag completely" 3n the other hand her somewhat
audacious get$up unambiguously underlined her intention to find a se4ual partner/
her thin taffeta dress twirled with every movement, revealing a suspender belt and
minuscule g$string in blac lace which left her buttocs completely naed" #o be
sure, her serious, even slightly obstinate face seemed to indicate a prudent
character< here was a girl who must surely carry condoms in her bag"
For a few minutes #isserand danced not far from her, thrusting his arms forward
energetically to indicate the enthusiasm the music caused in him" 3n two or three
occasions he even clapped his hands to the beat< but the girl didnGt seem to notice
him in the least" 9rofiting from a short brea between records he too the initiative
and addressed a few words to her" &he turned, threw him a scornful glance and too
off across the dance floor to get away from him" #hat was that"
6verything was going as planned" I left to order a second bourbon at the bar"
3n my return I sensed that something new was in the offing" % girl was sitting at the
table ne4t to mine, alone" &he was much younger than I=roni5ue, she might have
been seventeen< that aside, she horribly resembled her" ,er e4tremely simple, rather
ample dress of beige did not really show off the contours of her body< they scarcely
had need of it" #he wide hips, the firm and smooth buttocs< the suppleness of the
waist which leads the hands up to a pair of round, ample and soft breasts< the hands
which rest confidently on the waist, espousing the noble rotundity of the hips" I new
it all< all I had to do was close my eyes to remember" Op to the face, full and candid,
e4pressing the calm seduction of the natural woman, confident of her beauty" #he
calm serenity of the young filly, still frisy, eager to try out her limbs in a short
gallop" #he calm tran5uillity of 6ve, in love with her own naedness, nowing herself
to be obviously and eternally desirable" I reali*ed that two years of separation had
changed nothing< I noced bac my bourbon in one" #his was the moment
#isserand chose to return< he was perspiring slightly< he spoe to me< I thin he
wished to now if I intended trying something with the girl" I didnGt reply< I was
starting to feel lie vomiting, and I had a hard$on< things were at a pretty pass" I
said L64cuse me a moment,G and crossed the discothT5ue in the direction of the
toilets" 3nce inside I put two fingers down my throat, but the amount of vomit
proved feeble and disappointing" #hen I masturbated with altogether greater
success/ I began thining of I=roni5ue a bit, of course, but then I concentrated on
vaginas in general and that did the tric" 6.aculation came after a couple of minutes<
it brought me a feeling of confidence and certainty"
3n my return I saw that #isserand had engaged in conversation with the pseudo$
I=roni5ue< she was regarding him calmly and without contempt" I new deep down
that this young girl was a marvel< but it was no big deal, IGd done my masturbating"
From the amorous point of view I=roni5ue belonged, as we all do, to a sacrificed
generation" &he had certainly been capable of love< she wished to still be capable it,
IGll say that for her< but it was no longer possible" % scarce, artificial and belated
phenomenon, love can only blossom under certain mental conditions, rarely
con.oined, and totally opposed to the freedom of morals which characteri*es the
modern era" I=roni5ue had nown too many discothT5ues, too many lovers< such a
way of life impoverishes a human being, inflicting sometimes serious and always
irreversible damage" ?ove as a ind of innocence and as a capacity for illusion, as an
aptitude for epitomi*ing the whole of the other se4 in a single loved being rarely
resists a year of se4ual immorality, and never two" In reality the successive se4ual
e4periences accumulated during adolescence undermine and rapidly destroy all
possibility of pro.ection of an emotional and romantic sort< progressively, and in fact
e4tremely 5uicly, one becomes as capable of love as an old slag" %nd so one leads,
obviously, a slagGs life< in ageing one becomes less seductive, and on that account
bitter" 3ne is .ealous of the younger, and so one hates them" +ondemned to remain
unvowable, this hatred festers and becomes increasingly fervent< then it dies down
and fades away, .ust as everything fades away" %ll that remains is resentment and
disgust, sicness and the anticipation of death"
%t the bar I managed to negotiate a bottle of bourbon with the barman for seven
hundred francs" 3n turning round I banged into a young si4 foot electrician" G,ey,
whatGs your problem)G he said in a not unfriendly tone< ga*ing up at him, I replied
G#he mil of human indness"G I saw my face in the mirror< it was gripped by a
clearly unpleasant rictus" #he electrician shoo his head in resignation< I negotiated
the crossing of the dance floor, bottle in hand< .ust before arriving at my destination,
I bumped into a woman at the cash des and fell to the floor" (obody helped me up"
I was seeing the dancersG legs pumping all around me< I wanted to chop them off
with an a4e" #he lighting effects were of an unbearable violence< I was in hell"
% group of boys and girls were sitting at our table< probably the pseudo$I=roni5ueGs
classmates" #isserand wasnGt giving in, although he was starting to be a bit out of it<
he was letting himself be progressively edged out of the conversation, as was all too
obvious< and when one of the boys proposed buying a round at the bar he was
already implicitly e4cluded" ,e nevertheless made the vague gesture of getting up,
he tried to catch pseudo$I=roni5ueGs eye< in vain" #hining better of it, he let himself
fall bac heavily on the wall$sofa< completely huddled in on himself, he wasnGt even
aware of my presence< I poured myself another drin"
#isserandGs immobility was maintained for a minute or so< then he gave a sudden
start, doubtless imputable to what is usually called Lthe energy of despairG" Rising
abruptly, he brushed past me as he made for the dance floor< his face was smiling
and determined< he was still as ugly as ever, though"
'ithout hesitating he planted himself in front of a blond and very se4y girl of about
fifteen" &he was wearing a short and simpy dress of an immaculate white<
perspiration had glued it to her body, and it was visible that she had nothing on
underneath< her little round buttocs were moulded with perfect precision< one could
clearly mae out, stiffened by e4citement, the brown aureolae of her breasts< the
disc .ocey had .ust announced fifteen minutes of oldies"
#isserand invited her to .ive< taen rather unawares, she accepted" From the very
first chords of +ome On Everbod I sensed he was about to screw up" ,e was
swinging the girl around brutally, teeth clenched, a vicious loo to him< each time he
pulled her towards him he too the opportunity to plant his hand on her buttocs" %s
soon as the last notes played the young girl rushed off towards a group of girls her
own age" #isserand remained resolutely in the middle of the floor< he was slobbering
slightly" #he girl was pointing to him while speaing to her chums< she guffawed as
she looed his way"
%t this moment the pseudo$I=roni5ue returned from the bar with her group of
friends< she was deep in conversation with a young blac guy, or rather half blac"
,e was slightly older than her< I reconed he could be about twenty" #hey came and
sat down near our table< as they passed I gave a friendly little wave of the hand to
the pseudo$I=roni5ue" &he looed at me in surprise but didnGt react"
%fter the second roc number the disc .ocey put on a slow song" It was (ino
FerrerGs :e 9ud< a magnificent record, it has to be said" #he half$caste touched the
pseudo$I=roni5ueGs shoulder lightly< they got up of common accord" %t this instant
#isserand turned to face him" ,e spread his hands, opened his mouth, but I donGt
thin he can have had the time to spea" #he half$caste eased him aside calmly, with
gentleness, and in a few seconds they were on the dance floor"
#hey made a magnificent couple" #he pseudo$I=roni5ue was 5uite tall, maybe five
seven, but he was a good head taller" &he confidently pressed her body against the
guyGs" #isserand sat down again at my side< he was trembling in every limb" ,e
watched the couple, hypnoti*ed" I waited a minute or more< this slow dance, I
recalled, went on forever" #hen I shoo him gently by the shoulder, repeating
LRaphaWlG over and again"
$'hat can I do) he ased"
$-o and have a wan"
$Hou recon itGs hopeless)
$&ure" ItGs been hopeless for a long time, from the very beginning" Hou will never
represent, RaphaWl, a young girlGs erotic dream" Hou have to resign yourself to the
inevitable< such things are not for you" ItGs already too late, in any case" #he se4ual
failure youGve nown since your adolescence, RaphaWl, the frustration that has
followed you since the age of thirteen, will leave their indelible mar" 6ven supposing
that you might have women in the future $ which in all franness I doubt $ this will
not be enough< nothing will ever be enough" Hou will always be an orphan to those
adolescent loves you never new" In you the wound is already deep< it will get
deeper and deeper" %n atrocious, unremitting bitterness will end up gripping your
heart" For you there will be neither redemption nor deliverance" #hatGs how it is" Het
that doesnGt mean, however, that all possibility of revenge is closed to you" #hese
women you desire so much, you too can possess them" Hou can even possess what
is most precious about them" 'hat is it, RaphaWl, that is most precious about them)
$#heir beauty) he suggested"
$ItGs not their beauty, I can tell you that much< it isnGt their vagina either, nor even
their love< because all these disappear with life itself" %nd from now on you can
possess their life" ?aunch yourself on a career of murder this very evening< believe
me, my friend, itGs the only way still open to you" 'hen you feel these women
trembling at the end of your nife, and begging for their young lives, then will you
truly be the master< then will you possess them body and soul" 9erhaps you will even
manage, prior to their sacrifice, to obtain various succulent favours from them< a
nife, RaphaWl, is a powerful ally"
,e was staring long and hard at the couple who were intertwined as they slowly
turned around the dance floor< one of the pseudo$'rom5ueGs hands encircled the
half$casteGs waist, the other was resting on his shoulder" &oftly, almost timidly, he
said to me, LIGd rather ill the guy"G I new then that IGd won< I suddenly rela4ed and
refilled our glasses"
$'ell then, I e4claimed, whatGs stopping you) 'hy yesJ -et the hang of it on a young
niggerJ In any case theyGre going to leave together, the thing loos cut and dried"
HouGll have, of course, to ill the guy before getting a piece of the woman" %s it
happens IGve a nife in the front of the car"
#hey did in fact leave together ten minutes later" I got up, grabbing the bottle as I
did< #isserand followed me docilely"
3utside, the night was oddly pleasant, warm almost" #here was a brief conflab in the
paring lot between the girl and the blac guy< they made off towards a scooter" I
got into the front of the car, too the nife out of its bag< its serrations gleamed
prettily in the moonlight" 1efore getting on the scooter they embraced for some
time< it was beautiful and very tender" 1y my side #isserand was trembling
incessantly< I had the feeling I could smell the putrid sperm rising in his pric"
9laying nervously with the controls, he dipped the headlights< the girl blined" #hey
decided then to leave< our car moved off gently behind them" #isserand ased me/
$'here are they going to sleep)
$9robably at the girlGs parents< itGs the done thing" 1ut weGll have to stop them before
then" %s soon as weGre on a bac road weGll run into the scooter" #heyGll probably be
a bit banged up< you wonGt have any problem finishing off the guy"
#he car was bowling smoothly along the coast road< ahead, in the beam of the
headlights, the girl could be seen clutching the waist of her companion" %fter a few
minutesG silence I started in again/
$'e could always drive over them, .ust to be on the safe side"
$#hey donGt loo to be concerned about anything, he remared in a dreamy voice"
&uddenly the scooter veered off to the right along a trac going down to the sea"
#his wasnGt in the plan< I told #isserand to slow down" % bit further on the couple
pulled up< I noticed that the guy was taing the trouble to set his anti$theft device
before leading the girl off towards the dunes"
3nce over the first lot of dunes I understood more" %lmost at high tide, and forming
an immense curve, the sea e4tended to our feet< the light of the full moon was
playing gently on its surface" #he couple were maing off towards the south, sirting
the edge of the water" #he air temperature was increasingly pleasant, abnormally
pleasant< youGd have thought it was the month of @une" In these conditions, well
sure, I understood/ to mae love beside the ocean, under the splendour of the stars<
I understood only too well< itGs e4actly what IGd have done in their place" I proffered
the nife to #isserand< he left without a word"
I went bac towards the car< supporting myself on the hood, I slid down on to the
sand" I gulped down a few mouthfuls of bourbon, then got behind the wheel and
steered the car in the direction of the sea" It was a bit risy, but the sound of the
engine itself seemed muffled, imperceptible< the night was all$embracing, tender" I
had a terrible yearning to drive straight into the ocean" #isserandGs absence was
becoming prolonged"
'hen he returned he didnGt say a word" ,e was holding the long nife in his hand<
the blade was glinting softly< I detected no bloodstains on its surface" %ll of a sudden
I felt a wave of sadness" Finally, he spoe"
$'hen I got there they were lying between two dunes" ,eGd already taen her dress
and her bra off" ,er breasts were so beautiful, so round in the moonlight" #hen she
turned, she lay on top of him" &he unbuttoned his trousers" 'hen she began sucing
him off I couldnGt stand it"
,e fell silent" I waited" #he sea was as smooth as a lae"
$I turned bac, I waled between the dunes" I could have illed them< they were
oblivious to everything, they didnGt even now I was there" I masturbated" I had no
wish to ill them< blood changes nothing"
$1lood is everywhere"
$I now &perm is everywhere too" Right now IGve had enough" IGm going bac to
9aris" ,e didnGt suggest that I accompany him" I got up, waled towards the sea" #he
bottle of bourbon was almost empty< I swallowed the last mouthful" 'hen I got bac
the beach was deserted< I hadnGt even heard the car drive off"
I was never to see #isserand again< he was illed in his car that night, on his return
trip to 9aris" #here was a lot of fog on the outsirts of %ngers< he was driving lie the
clappers, as usual" ,is 2:M -#I collided head$on with a lorry that had pulled out into
the middle of the carriageway " ,e died instantly, .ust before dawn" #he ne4t day
was a holiday, to celebrate the birth of +hrist< it was only three days later that his
family heard about the business" #he burial had already taen place, according to
ritual< which cut short any idea of wreaths or mourners" % few words were
pronounced on the sadness of such a death and on the difficulty of driving in fog,
people went bac to wor, and that was that"
%t least, I said to myself on learning of his death, heGll have battled to the end" #he
Onder$2Ms club, the winter sports vacations " " " %t least he wonGt have abdicated,
wonGt have thrown in the towel" Right to the end, and despite repeated failure, heGll
have looed for love" &5uashed flat in the bodywor of his 2:M -#I on the almost
deserted highway, all bloody in his blac suit and gold tie, I now that in his heart
there was still the struggle, the desire and the will to struggle"
9art #hree
1
Ah es, that "as unconscious irony( One breathes freel $$$
%fter #isserandGs departure I slept fitfully< doubtless I masturbated" 3n awaening
my tacle was sticy, the sand damp and cold< franly IGd had enough" I was sorry
#isserand hadnGt illed the blac guy< day was breaing" I was miles away from any
village" I got up and set off down the road"
'hat else was there for it) 2y cigarettes were sodden but still smoable" 3n
returning to 9aris I found a letter emanating from the e4$pupilsG association of my
engineering school< it suggested I buy fine wines and foie gras for the holidays, all at
unbeatable prices" I remared to myself that the mailout had been done with
intolerable lateness"
#he ne4t day I didn!t go to wor" For no precise reason< I simply didnGt fancy it"
&5uatting on the mo5uette I leafed through some mail order catalogues" In a
brochure put out by the -aleries ?afayette I found an interesting description of
human beings, under the title Toda2s People/ After a reall full da the snuggle
do"n into a deep sofa "ith sober lines B&teiner, Roset, +innaC" To a -a.. tune the
admire the stle of their )hurries carpets, the gaiet of their "all coverings B9atric
FreyC" 8ead to set off for a fren.ied set of tennis, to"els a"ait them in the
bathroom BHves &aint$ ?aurent, #ed ?apidusC" And it2s before a dinner "ith intimate
friends in their #itchens created b 7aniel ,echter or 9rimrose 1ordier that the2ll
rema#e the "orld$
Friday and &aturday I didnGt do much< letGs .ust say I meditated, if you can call it
that" I remember having thought of suicide, of its parado4ical usefulness" ?etGs put a
chimpan*ee in a tiny cage fronted by concrete bars" #he animal would go berser,
throw itself against the walls, rip out its hair, inflict cruel bites on itself, and in SF\
of cases will actually end up illing itself" ?etGs now mae a breach in one of the
walls, which we will place ne4t to a bottomless precipice" 3ur friendly sample
5uadrumane will approach the edge, heGll loo down, but remain at the edge for
ages, return there time and again, but generally he wonGt teeter over the brin< and
in all events his nervous state will be radically assuaged"
2y meditation on chimpan*ees was prolonged late into the night of &aturday and
&unday, and I finished up laying the foundations for an animal story called )ialogues
*et"een a +himpan.ee and a 9tor#, which in fact constituted a political pamphlet of
rare violence" #aen prisoner by a tribe of stors, the chimpan*ee was at first self$
preoccupied, his thoughts far away" 3ne morning, summoning up his courage, he
demanded to see the eldest of the stors" Immediately brought before the bird, he
raised his arms dramatically to the sy before pronouncing this despairing discourse/
L3f all economic and social systems, capitalism is un5uestionably the most natural"
#his already suffices to show that it is bound to be the worst" 3nce this conclusion is
drawn it only remains to develop a worable and consistent set of concepts, that is,
one whose mechanical functioning will permit, proceeding from facts introduced by
chance, the generation of multiple proofs which reinforce the predetermined
.udgment, the way that bars of graphite can reinforce the structure of a nuclear
reactor" #hat is a simple tas, worthy of a very young money< however I would lie
to disregard it"
L7uring the migration of the spermatic flood towards the nec of the uterus, an
imposing phenomenon, completely respectable and absolutely essential for the
reproduction of species, one sometimes observes the aberrant comportment of
certain spermato*oa" #hey loo ahead, they loo behind, they sometimes even swim
against the current for a few brief seconds, and the accelerated wriggling of their tail
now seems to translate as the revising of an ontological decision" If they do not
compensate for this surprising indecision by a given velocity they generally arrive too
late, and conse5uently rarely participate at the grand festival of genetic
recombination" %nd so it was in %ugust 1S9F that 2a4imilien Robespierre was carried
along by the movement of history lie a crystal of chalcedony caught in a distant
avalanche, or better still lie a young stor with still too$feeble wings, born by
unhappy chance .ust before the approach of winter, and which suffers considerable
difficulty $ the thing is understandable $ in maintaining a correct course during the
crossing of .et$streams" (ow .et$streams are, as we now, particularly violent on the
approaches of %frica" 1ut I shall refine my thining once more"
L3n the day of his e4ecution 2a4imilien Robespierre had a broen .aw" It was held
together by a bandage" @ust before placing his head under the blade the e4ecutioner
wrenched off his bandage< Robespierre let out a scream of pain, torrents of blood
spurted from his wound, his broen teeth spilled forth on the ground" #hen the
e4ecutioner brandished the bandage at the end of his arm lie a trophy, showing it to
the crowd massed around the scaffold" 9eople were laughing, .eering"
L%t this point the chroniclers generally add/ K#he Revolution was over"K #his is
rigorously e4act"
L%t the very moment the e4ecutioner brandished his disgusting blood$soaed
bandage to the acclaim of the crowd, I lie to thin that in the mind of Robespierre
there was something other than suffering" &omething apart from the feeling of
failure" % hope) 3r doubtless the feeling that heGd done what he had to do"
2a4imilien Robespierre, I love you"G
#he eldest stor replied simply, in a slow and terrible voice/ Tat t"am asi$ &hortly
afterwards the chimpan*ee was e4ecuted by the tribe of stors< he died in atrocious
pain, transpierced and emasculated by their pointed beas" For having 5uestioned
the order of the world the chimpan*ee had to perish< in fact one could understand it<
really, thatGs how it was"
3n &unday morning I went out for a while in the neighbourhood< I bought some
raisin bread" #he day was warm but a little sad, as &undays often are in 9aris,
especially when one doesnGt believe in -od"
2
#he following 2onday I went bac to my .ob, a bit on the off chance" I new my head
of department had taen between +hristmas and (ew HearGs 7ay off, probably to go
siing in the %lps" I thought thereGd be nobody there, that nobody would feel in the
least bit lie me, and that my day would be spent tapping idly away on some
eyboard" %round eleven$thirty, unfortunately, some guy spots me, nows who I am"
,e introduces himself as my new immediate superior< I have no wish to doubt his
word" ,e has the air of being more or less up on my activities, though in a very
vague way" ,e also tries to mae contact, to be friendly< I donGt succumb to his
advances in the least"
%t midday, partly out of desperation, I went to eat with a business manager and a
managerial secretary" I was of a mind to converse with them, but wasnGt given the
opportunity< they seemed to be pursuing an already ancient conversation/
$I finally got twenty$watt speaers for my car stereo, bragged the business manager"
#he ten watts appeared a bit wea and thirty watts was really much more e4pensive"
I recon itGs not worth it .ust for the car"
$9ersonally, the secretary retorted, IGve had four speaers put in, two in the front
and two in the bac"
#he business manager contrived a ribald smile" &o that was it, everything was
proceeding as normal"
I spent the afternoon in my office doing various things< more or less nothing in fact"
From time to time I consulted my diary/ we were at 29 7ecember" It was essential I
do something for the F1st" 9eople do something, for the F1st"
In the evening I phone &3& %miti=, but the lineGs busy, lie it always is during the
holiday period" %round one in the morning I tae a tin of petits pois and hurl it at the
bathroom mirror" #hat maes for a nice lot of glass splinters" I cut myself picing
them up and start bleeding" #his pleases me" ItGs .ust what I wanted"
#he ne4t day IGm in my office by eight" 2y new immediate superior is already there<
has the idiot slept in the place) % grimy mist of unpleasant aspect floats above the
esplanade between the towerblocs" #he fluorescent lights of the offices through
which the +32%#6+ employees pass to do the cleaning go on and off by turns,
creating the impression of life unfolding in slow motion" #he immediate superior
offers me a coffee< he hasnGt, it seems, given up on trying to win me over" &tupidly I
accept, which means that before a few minutes are up I find myself being given a
somewhat delicate tas/ the detection of errors in a soft"are pac#age that has .ust
been sold to the 2inistry of Industry" #here are, it appears, some errors" I spend two
hours on it, and as far as I can tell there arenGt any< itGs true that my mind is
elsewhere"
%round ten we learn of the death of #isserand" % call from the family which a
secretary passes on to the whole staff" 'e will receive, she says, a formal
announcement later" I canGt really believe it< itGs too nightmarish for words" 1ut no,
itGs all true"
% little later in the morning I get a phone call from +atherine ?echardoy" &he has
nothing in particular to say" L2aybe weGll see each other again,G she opines< I rather
doubt it"
%round midday I went out" In the booshop on the s5uare I bought number U: of the
2ichelin map B8ode.&Albi&N;mesC" 3nce bac in my office I scrutini*ed it carefully"
%round five I came to the conclusion that I must go to &aint$+irgues$en$2ontagne"
#he name stood out, in splendid isolation, amid forests and little triangles
representing mountaintops< there wasnGt a single conurbation within a radius of
thirty ilometres" I sensed I was on the edge of maing a vital discovery< that a
revelation of the highest order was awaiting me down there, between the F1st of
7ecember and the first of @anuary, at the precise moment the year turns" I left a
note on my des/ L?eft early due to the train strieG" 3n thining about it I left a
second note announcing, in bloc capitals/ LI %2 &I+;G" %nd I returned home, not
without some difficulty/ the 9aris #ransport %uthority strie, begun that morning, had
spread< there was no more m=tro, .ust a few buses, depending on the route"
#he -are de ?yon was practically in a state of siege" 9atrols of +R& riot police were
cordoning off areas in the entrance hall and circulating along the platforms< the word
was that s5uads of LhardG striers had decided to prevent all departures"
(evertheless the train turned out to be almost empty, and the trip completely
trouble$free"
%t ?yon$9errache station an impressive number of buses were being laid on for
2or*ine, ?a +lusa*, +ourchevel, Ial dGIsTre" For the %rdTche, nothing lie" I too a
ta4i to the 9art$7ieu bus station, where I spent a fastidious 5uarter of an hour
browsing through a malfunctioning electronic timetable before finally discovering that
a coach was leaving at R"4M the ne4t morning for %ubenas< it was half$past midnight"
I decided to spend those few hours in ?yon 9art$7ieu< I was probably maing a big
mistae" %bove the bus station proper rises a hypermodern structure in glass and
steel, with four or five levels lined by stainless steel escalators which are activated
at the least approach< nothing save lu4ury shops Bperfume and cosmetics, haute
couture, gadgetsC with absurdly aggressive window displays< nothing for sale that
might prove remotely useful" %ll around there are monitors which broadcast pop
promos and adverts< and, of course, permanent bacground music consisting of the
latest #op M: hits" %t night the building is invaded by a gang of vagrants and semi$
derelicts" Filthy, wretched creatures, brutish and completely dull$witted, who live in
blood, hate, and their own e4crement" #hey gather at night, lie huge flies on shit,
around the deserted lu4ury shops" #hey move in pacs, the solitude in this place
being all but fatal" #hey remain in front of the video monitors, blanly absorbing the
advertising images" &ometimes they strie up a 5uarrel, get their nives out" From
time to time a dead body is found in the morning, throat cut by his mates"
I strolled all night among the creatures" I was completely unafraid" 9artly out of
provocation, I even made a show of drawing out all the money remaining on my Iisa
from a cashpoint" 3ne thousand four hundred francs in notes" % handsome pri*e"
#hey watched me, watched me long and hard, but no one tried to spea to me or
even get any closer than three metres"
%round si4 in the morning I gave up on my plan< I too a #-I in the afternoon"
#he night of F1 7ecember will be hard" I feel as if things are falling apart within me,
lie so many glass partitions shattering" I wal from place to place in the grip of a
fury, needing to act, yet can do nothing about it because any attempt seems doomed
in advance" Failure, everywhere failure" 3nly suicide hovers above me, gleaming and
inaccessible"
%round midnight I feel something lie a muted parting of the ways< thereGs
something painful going on inside" I no longer understand anything"
% clear improvement on @anuary the first" 2y state approaches something lie
stupor< this is no bad thing"
In the afternoon I mae an appointment with a psychiatrist" #hereGs a system of
urgent psychiatric appointments by 2initel< you tap in your schedule, they supply
you with the practitioner" %ll very practical"
2ine is called 7octor (=pote" ,e lives in the Rth arrondissement< lie a lot of
psychiatrists, I get the feeling" I arrive at his place at S"F:" #he fellow loos lie a
psychiatrist to a striing degree" ,is library is impeccably arranged< thereGs neither
%frican mas nor first edition of &e4us< heGs not a psychoanalyst, then" 3n the other
hand it loos lie he subscribes to &ynpase" #his seems an e4cellent omen"
#he episode of the abortive trip to the %rdTche appears to interest him" 'ith a bit of
digging, he succeeds in maing me admit that my parents were %rd=chois in origin"
&o now heGs on the trac/ according to him IGm in search of Lsigns of identityG" %ll my
shiftings about, he generali*es audaciously, are so many L5uests for identityG" ItGs
possible< I rather doubt it, though" 2y professional trips, for e4ample, are obviously
something imposed on me" 1ut I donGt want to discuss it" ,e has a theory, which is
fine by me" %fter all itGs always better to have a theory"
&omewhat bi*arrely, he goes on to 5uestion me about my wor" I donGt get it< IGm
unable to grant his 5uestion real importance" #hatGs clearly not the issue here"
,e defines his thining precisely, in speaing to me of the Lpossibilities for social
rapportG offered by the .ob" I burst out laughing, much to his surprise" ,e gives me
another appointment for 2onday"
#he ne4t morning I phone my company to say IGve had a Lslight relapseG" #hey seem
mightily pissed$off about it"
% weeend without drama< I sleep a lot" It astonishes me that IGm only thirty< I feel
much older"
F
#he first incident, the following 2onday, occurred around two p"m" I saw the guy
approaching a long way off, I felt a slight wave of sadness" It was someone I lied, a
nice man, though highly unfortunate" I new he was divorced, that heGd been living
alone with his daughter for some time now" I also new he was drining a bit too
much" I had no wish to mi4 him up in all this"
,e came up to me, said hello and ased me for the details of a programme that
apparently I should now about" I burst into sobs" ,e beat a hasty retreat,
nonplussed, a bit bewildered< he even apologi*ed, I thin" ,e really had no need to
apologi*e, the poor sod"
I ought to have left right then, obviously< we were alone in the office, thereGd been
no witnesses, the whole thing could still be sorted out in a relatively decent manner"
#he second incident occured around an hour later" #his time the office was full of
people" % girl came in, cast a disapproving glance at the assembled company and
finally chose to address herself to me, to tell me I was smoing too much, that it was
insupportable, that I clearly had no regard for others" I replied with a pair of slaps to
the face" &he looed at me, she too slightly bewildered" 6vidently she wasnGt used to
this< I surmised that she couldnGt have received enough smacs as a id" For a
second I wondered if she wasnGt going to slap me in return< I new that if she did IGd
burst into sobs right away"
#hereGs a pause, then she says, G1ut"""G, her lower .aw idiotically agape" 1y now
everyone has turned towards us" % tremendous silence has descended on the office"
I turn away and in a loud voice I proclaim, to nobody in particular, GIGve got an
appointment with a psychiatristJG and I leave" #he death of a professional"
1esides itGs true, I do have an appointment with the psychiatrist, but there are still
something lie three hours to go" I will spend them in a fast food .oint, shredding the
cardboard pacaging of my hamburger" 'ithout real method, so that the final result
proves disappointing" % shredding pure and simple"
3nce IGve recounted my little fantasies to the practitioner he puts me on leave of
absence for a wee" ,e even ass me if I wouldnGt lie to tae a short brea in a rest
home" I reply that no thans, IGm afraid of mad people"
% wee later I go bac to see him" I!ve nothing much to say< I do manage a few
sentences, though" Reading his spiral noteboo upside$down I see heGs .otted
GIdeational declineG" ,uh, huh" %ccording to him, then, I seem to be on the way to
becoming an imbecile" ItGs a theory"
From time to time he glances at his wristwatch Bfawn leather strap, rectangular gold$
plated faceC< I get the feeling of not overly interesting him" I as myself if he eeps a
revolver in his drawer, for patients in a state of violent crisis" %t the end of half an
hour he pronounces a few phrases of general import on periods of blanness,
e4tends my leave of absence and increases my dosage of medication" ,e also reveals
that my condition has a name/ itGs a depression" 3fficially, then, IGm in a depression"
#he formula seems a happy one to me" ItGs not that I feel tremendously low< itGs
rather that the world around me appears high"
#he ne4t morning I go bac to my office< my head of department wishes to see me
to Ltae stocG" %s I e4pected, he has returned from his stay in Ial dGIsTre e4tremely
suntanned< but I mae out a few fine wrinles at the corners of his eyes< he is a little
less handsome than my recollection of him" I donGt now why, but IGm disappointed"
I inform him right away that IGm in a depression< he is stunned, then recovers" %fter
this the conversation drones on pleasantly for half an hour, but I now that from now
on itGs as if thereGs an invisible wall between us" ,e will never again consider me as
an e5ual, nor as a possible successor< in his eyes I no longer even really e4ist< I
have forfeited all rights" In any case I now theyGre going to get rid of me as soon as
my two months of legal sic leave are up< itGs what they always do in cases of
depression< IGve seen it happen before"
'ithin the limits of these constraints he ac5uits himself rather well, he tries to mae
e4cuses for me" %t a certain moment he comes out with/
$In this line of wor we are sometimes put under terrible pressure """
$3h, not really, I reply"
,e gives a start as if he were waing up, brings the conversation to an end" ,e will
mae one last effort and accompany me to the door, yet eeping at a safe distance of
two metres, as if he were afraid I might suddenly pue all over him" ,e ends with,
L'ell, get some rest then, tae all the time you need"G
I leave" ,ere I am, a free man"
4
The +onfession of /ean&Pierre *uvet
#he subse5uent wees have left me the memory of a gradual decline, interspersed
with acutely painful phases" %part from the psychiatrist I was seeing nobody< I was
going out after nightfall to buy cigarettes and sliced bread" 3ne &aturday evening,
though, I received a phone call from @ean$9ierre 1uvet< he seemed tense"
$'ell) &till a priest) I said to de$ice the atmosphere"
$IGd lie to see you"
$&ure, we could see each other"
$(ow, if you can"
IGd never set foot inside his house before< all I new was that he lived in Iitry" #he
council bloc, moreover, was well ept" #wo young %rabs followed me with their eyes,
one of them spat on the ground as I went by" %t least he hadnGt spat in my face"
#he apartment was paid for by funds from the diocese, something of the ind"
+ollapsed in front of his #I set, 1uvet was casting a de.ected eye at Hol Eventide"
,eGd noced bac 5uite a few beers while waiting for me, it appeared"
$'hatGs up, then) I ased good$naturedly"
$IGd told you Iitry wasnGt an easy parish< itGs even worse than you can imagine" &ince
my arrival IGve tried to set up idsG groups< no ids ever came" ItGs three months now
since IGve celebrated a baptism" %t mass IGve never managed more than five people/
four %fricans and an old 1reton woman< I believe she was eighty$two, an e4$
employee of the railways" &heGd been widowed for ages< her children didnGt come to
see her any more, she no longer had their address" 3ne &unday I didnGt see her at
mass" I passed by her house, she lives in a high$ priority housing area over
there " " " B,e made a vague gesture, can in hand, dousing the carpet with beerC"
,er neighbours told me sheGd .ust been attaced< theyGd taen her off to hospital,
but she only had slight fractures" I visited her< her fractures were taing time to
mend, of course, but there was no danger" 'hen I went bac a wee later she was
dead" I ased for e4planations, the doctors refused to give me any" #heyGd already
cremated her< nobody in the family had bothered to attend" IGm certain sheGd have
wished for a religious burial< she hadnGt said as much to me, she never spoe of
death< but IGm certain thatGs what sheGd have wanted"
,e too a swig, then went on/
$#hree days later I received a visit from 9atricia"
#here was a significant pause" I shot a glance at the #I screen" #he sound was
turned down< a singer in a blac and gold g$string appeared to be surrounded by
pythons, or even anacondas" #hen I returned my ga*e to 1uvet, while trying to
communicate a grimace of sympathy" ,e went on/
$&he wished to mae confession, but she didnGt now how, she didnGt now the
procedure" 9atricia was a nurse in the department where theyGd taen the old
woman< sheGd heard the doctors taling among themselves" #hey didnGt want to have
her occupying a bed during the months necessary for her recovery< they were saying
she was an unnecessary burden" &o they decided to give her a lytic coctail< thatGs a
mi4ture of high$dose tran5uilli*ers that brings about a 5uic and peaceful death"
#hey discussed it for two minutes, no more< then the head of the department came
to as 9atricia to administer the in.ection" &he did it the same night" ItGs the first
time sheGs performed a euthanasia< but her colleagues often do it" &he died very
fast, in her sleep" %fter that 9atricia was unable to sleep< she was dreaming of the
old woman"
$'hat have you done about it)
$I went to the archdiocese< they new the whole story" % lot of euthanasias are
performed in that hospital, apparently" #here have never been any complaints< in
any case, up to now all the trials have ended in ac5uittals"
,e fell silent, finished his beer in one go, opened another can< then, taing his
courage in his hands, he pressed on/
$For a month now IGve seen 9atricia practically every night" I donGt now whatGs taen
hold of me" &ince the seminary IGve not suffered from temptation" &he was so ind,
so naive" &he new nothing about religious matters, she was e4tremely curious
about it all" &he didnGt understand why priests donGt have the right to mae love" &he
wondered if they had a se4 life, if they masturbated" I replied to all her 5uestions, I
didnGt feel any embarrassment" I was praying a lot during this period, I was
constantly rereading the -ospels< I didnGt have the feeling of doing anything wrong<
I sensed that +hrist understood me, that ,e was with me"
,e fell silent once more" 3n the #I screen now there was an ad for the Renault +lio"
#he car looed ultra$comfortable"
$?ast 2onday 9atricia announced to me that sheGd met another guy" In a
discothT5ue, the 2etropolis" &he told me we wouldnGt see each other again, but that
she was glad to have nown me< she really lied changing boyfriends< she was only
twenty" 1asically she lied me a lot, but no more than that< it was mainly the idea of
sleeping with a priest that e4cited her, that she found droll< but she wouldnGt say
anything to anybody, that was a promise"
#his time the silence was to last two minutes or more" I ased myself what a
psychologist would have said in my place< probably nothing"
Finally an absurd thought came to me/
$Hou should go and confess"
$#omorrow I must say mass" I donGt see how I can do it" I donGt thin I can cope" I no
longer feel the presence"
$'hat presence)
%fter that we didnGt say much" From time to time I was uttering phrases lie L3h,
come on, come onG< he continued regularly putting away the beers" +learly I could do
nothing for him" In the end I called a ta4i"
%s I was crossing the threshold he said to me, L&ee you soon"G I donGt believe it for a
moment" I get the feeling weGll never see each other again"
ItGs free*ing in my place" I remember that earlier in the evening, .ust before leaving,
I smashed a window with a blow of the fist" Het, oddly, my hand is intact< no cuts"
I lie down even so, and I sleep" #he nightmares will only appear much later in the
night" (ot instantly recogni*able as nightmares< even rather pleasant"
I am gliding over +hartres +athedral" I have a mystical vision concerning +hartres
+athedral" It seems to hold and to symboli*e a secret $ an ultimate secret" 7uring all
this time groups of nuns are forming in the gardens by the side entrances" #hey
greet the old and even the dying, e4plaining to them that I am going to unveil a
secret"
2eanwhile I am waling down the corridors of a hospital" % man has given me an
appointment, but he isnGt there" I must wait a moment in a refrigerated storeroom,
then I reach a new corridor" ,e still isnGt there, the man who could get me out of
hospital" #hen I attend an e4hibition" ItGs 9atric ?eroy from the 2inistry of
%griculture whoGs organi*ed it all" ,e has cut peopleGs heads out of some illustrated
periodicals, stuc them on to various paintings Brepresenting, for instance, #riassic
floraC, and is selling his little figurines very e4pensively" I have the feeling he wants
me to buy one< he has a self$satisfied, almost menacing air"
#hen IGm flying once again over +hartres +athedral" #he cold is e4treme" I am
absolutely alone" 2y wings easily bear me up" I am nearing some towers, but I no
longer recogni*e anything" #hese towers are immense, blac, maleficent, they are
made of blac marble which emits a harsh glare, the marble is encrusted with
violently coloured figurines in which the horrors of organic life are glaringly apparent"
I fall, I fall between the towers" 2y face, which is going to be smashed to
smithereens, is covered over with lines of blood which precisely delineate the location
of the fractures" 2y nose is a gaping hole from which organic matter oo*es"
%nd now I am on the deserted plains of +hampagne" #here are tiny snowflaes flying
all about, along with pages from an illustrated periodical, printed in huge screaming
type" #he periodical must date from around 19::"
%m I a reporter or .ournalist) It would seem so, since the style of the articles is
familiar to me" #hey are written in that tone of bitter lament dear to the anarchists
and surrealists"
3ctavie ?=oncet, ninety$two, has been found murdered in her barn" % little farm in
the Iosges" ,er sister, ?=ontine ?=oncet, eighty$seven, taes pleasure in showing the
corpse to .ournalists" #he crime weapons are there, clearly visible/ a wood saw and a
brace and bit" 6verything blood$stained, of course"
%nd the crimes are on the increase" %lways old women isolated on their farms" 3n
each occasion the young and elusive murderer leaves the tools of his trade in
evidence/ sometimes a burin, sometimes a pair of secateurs, sometimes simply a
small hand saw"
%nd all this is magical, adventurous, libertarian"
I wae up" It is cold" I dive bac into the dream"
6ach time, faced with these blood$stained tools, I e4perience the sufferings of the
victim in gruesome detail" &oon I have an erection" #here are some scissors on the
table near my bed" #he idea comes to me/ to cut off my penis" I imagine myself with
the pair of scissors in my hand, the slight resistance of the flesh, and suddenly the
bloody stump, the probable fainting"
#he sectioned end on the mo5uette" 2atted with blood"
%round eleven I wae up once again" I have two pairs of scissors, one in each room"
I go and fetch them and place them under several boos" It is an effort of will,
probably insufficient" #he need persists, increases and evolves" #his time my plan is
to tae a pair of scissors, plant them in my eyes and tear them out" 2ore precisely in
the left eye, in a place I now well, there where it seems so hollow in the socet"
%nd then I tae some sedatives, and everythingGs dandy" 6verythingGs dandy"
M
<enus and Mars
Following that night I thought it wise to reconsider 7octor (=poteGs suggestion about
staying in a rest home" ,e warmly congratulated me on this" %ccording to him, I was
thereby taing the shortest road to a complete recovery" #he fact that the initiative
might come from me was highly positive< I was beginning to tae responsibility for
my own cure" #his was good< this was even very good"
&o, provided with his letter of introduction, I presented myself at Rueil$2almaison"
#here was a par, and the meals were taen communally" In point of fact all
ingestion of solid food was impossible for me at first< I was vomiting it up
straightaway, with painful hiccups< I had the feeling my teeth were going to leave
with it" It was necessary to resort to perfusions"
+olombian in origin, the chief doctor was of little help to me" 'ith the imperturbable
seriousness of the neurotic, I was putting forward incontrovertible arguments against
my survival< the least among them seemed enough to warrant instant suicide" ,e
appeared to listen< at all events he remained silent< occasionally it was all he could
do to stifle a slight yawn" It was only after a number of wees that the truth dawned
on me/ I was speaing softly< he only had a very appro4imate nowledge of the
French language< in effect he didnGt understand a word of my stories"
&lightly older, more modest in social origin, the psychologist who assisted him did on
the other hand give me much$needed help" ItGs true that she was compiling a thesis
on an4iety, and so was in need of data" &he used a Radiola tape$recorder< she ased
my permission to turn it on" (aturally I said yes" I rather lied her chapped hands,
her bitten nails, as she pressed Record" (evertheless, IGve always hated female
psychology students/ vile creatures, thatGs how I perceive them" 1ut this older
woman, who looed lie sheGd been through a wringer, face framed by a turban,
almost inspired my confidence"
%t first, though, our relations were not easy" &he too me to tas for speaing in
general, overly sociological, terms" #his, according to her, was not interesting/
instead I ought to involve myself, try and Lget myself centredG"
$1ut IGve had a bellyful of myself, I ob.ected"
$%s a psychologist I canGt accept such a statement, nor encourage it in any way" In
speaing of society all the time you create a barrier behind which you can hide< itGs
up to me to brea down this barrier so that we can wor on your personal problems"
#his dialogue of the deaf went on for a little over two months" I thin that basically
she lied me well enough" I remember one morning, it was already the beginning of
&pring< through the window birds could be seen, hopping on the lawn" &he was
looing fresh and rela4ed"
First off, there was a brief conversation about the dosage of my medication< then in
a direct, spontaneous, completely une4pected way she ased me/ L1asically, why is
it youGre so unhappy)G It was something totally une4pected , this franness" %nd I
too did something une4pected/ I proffered her a short te4t IGd written the night
before to occupy my insomnia"
$IGd prefer to hear you spea, she said"
$Read it all the same"
L6arly on certain individuals e4perience the frightening impossibility of living by
themselves< basically they cannot bear to see their own life before them, to see it in
its entirety without areas of shadow, without substance" #heir e4istence is I admit an
e4ception to the laws of nature, not only because this fracture of basic
malad.ustment is produced outside of any genetic finality but also by dint of the
e4cessive lucidity it presupposes, an obviously transcendent lucidity in relation to the
perceptual schemas of ordinary e4istence" It is sometimes enough to place another
individual before them, providing he is taen to be as pure, as transparent as they
are themselves, for this insupportable fracture to resolve itself as a luminous, tense
and permanent aspiration towards the absolutely inaccessible" #hus, while day after
day a mirror only returns the same desperate image, two parallel mirrors elaborate
and edify a clear and dense system which draws the human eye into an infinite,
unbounded tra.ectory, infinite in its geometrical purity, beyond all suffering and
beyond the world"G
I raised my eyes, looed her way" &he had a somewhat astonished air" Finally she
came out with/ L#hatGs interesting, the mirror " " G" &he must have read something in
Freud, or in #he 2icey 2ouse %nnual" In the last analysis she was doing what she
could, she was ind" 9lucing up courage, she added/
$1ut IGd prefer that you spoe directly of your problems" 3nce again youGre being too
abstract"
$2aybe" 1ut I donGt understand, basically, how people manage to go on living" I get
the impression everybody must be unhappy< we live in such a simple world, you
understand" #hereGs a system based on domination, money and fear $ a somewhat
masculine system, letGs call it 2ars< thereGs a feminine system based on seduction
and se4, Ienus letGs say" %nd thatGs it" Is it really possible to live and to believe that
thereGs nothing else) %long with the late nineteenth$century realists, 2aupassant
believed there was nothing else< and it drove him completely mad"
$HouGre mi4ing everything up" 2aupassantGs madness was only a classic stage in the
development of syphilis" %ny normal human being accepts the two systems youGre
taling about"
$(o" If 2aupassant went mad itGs because he had an acute awareness of matter, of
nothingness and death $ and that he had no awareness of anything else" %lie in this
to our contemporaries, he established an absolute separation between his individual
e4istence and the rest of the world" ItGs the only way in which we can conceive the
world today" For e4ample, a bullet from a "4M 2agnum may gra*e my chee and end
up hitting the wall behind me< IGll be unscathed" #aing the opposite e4ample, the
bullet will splatter my flesh, my physical suffering will be enormous< will be
enormous< at the end of the day my face will be disfigured< perhaps the eye will be
splattered too, in which case IGll be both disfigured and blind< from then on IGll inspire
repugnance in other men" %t a more general level, we are all sub.ect to ageing and
to death" #his notion of ageing and death is insupportable for the individual human
being, in the ind of civili*ation we live in it develops in a sovereign and
unconditional manner, it gradually occupies the whole field of consciousness , it
allows nothing else to subsist" In this way, and little by little, nowledge of the
worldGs constraints is established" 7esire itself disappears< only bitterness, .ealousy
and fear remain" %bove all there remains bitterness < an immense and inconceivable
bitterness" (o civili*ation, no epoch has been capable of developing such a 5uantity
of bitterness in its sub.ects" In that sense we are living through unprecedented
times" If it was necessary to sum up the contemporary mental state in a word, thatGs
the one IGd undoubtedly choose/ bitterness"
&he didnGt reply at first, thought for a few seconds, then ased me/
$'hen did you last have se4ual relations)
$@ust over two years ago"
$%hJ she e4claimed, almost in triumph" #here you are thenJ -iven that, how can you
possibly feel good about life) " " "
$'ould you be willing to mae love with me)
&he was flustered, I thin she even blushed a bit" &he was forty, thin and very much
the worse for wear< but that morning she appeared really charming to me" I have a
very tender memory of that moment" &he was smiling, somewhat despite herself< I
even thought she was going to say yes" 1ut finally she collected herself/
$#hatGs not my role" %s a psychologist my role is to e5uip you to undertae the
process of seduction so that you might again have normal relations with young
women"
For the remaining sessions she had herself replaced by a male colleague"
It was around about this time that I began taing an interest in my companions in
misery" #here were few deranged types, mainly sufferers from depression and
an4iety< I suppose that was deliberate" 9eople who e4perience these inds of states
5uicly give up drawing attention to themselves" 3n the whole they remain lying
down all day with their tran5uilli*ers< from time to time they tae a turn in the
corridor, smoe four or five cigarettes, one after the other, then go bac to bed"
2eals, however, constituted a collective moment< the nurse on duty used to say
L,elp yourselves"G (o other word was uttered< each person chewed his food"
&ometimes one of the inmates was overcome by a fit of trembling, or began to sob<
he went bac to his room, and that was that" #he idea gradually dawned on me that
all these people $ men or women $ were not in the least deranged< they were simply
lacing in love" #heir gestures, their attitudes, their dumb show betrayed an
e4cruciating craving for physical contact and caresses< but that wasnGt possible, of
course" &o they sobbed, emitted cries, lacerated themselves with their nails< during
my stay we had a successful attempt at castration"
%s the wees went by my conviction grew that I was there to accomplish some pre$
arranged plan $ a bit lie how in the -ospels +hrist accomplishes what the prophets
had already announced" %t the same time the intuition was dawning that this stay
was .ust the first in a succession of progressively longer internments in increasingly
closed and tougher psychiatric establishments" #he idea saddened me enormously"
I saw the psychologist from time to time in the corridor, but no real interchange
came about< our relations had taen a highly formal turn" ,er wor on an4iety was
progressing, she told me< she had to tae some e4ams in @une"
7oubtless I have some vague e4istence today in a doctoral dissertation, alongside
other real$life cases" #he thought of having become an item in a file calms me" I
imagine the volume, its cloth binding, its slightly sad cover< I gently flatten myself
between the pages< I am s5uashed"
I left the clinic on 2Rth of 2ay< I recall the sunshine, the heat, the atmosphere of
freedom in the streets" It was unbearable"
It was also on a 2Rth of 2ay that IGd been conceived, late in the afternoon" #he
coitus had taen place in the living room, on a fae 9aistani rug" %t the moment my
father too my mother from behind sheGd had the unfortunate idea of stretching out
a hand and caressing him on the testicles, so adroitly that e.aculation was produced"
&heGd felt pleasure, but not true orgasm" #heyGd eaten cold chicen afterwards" #hat
was thirty$two years ago now< at that time you could still find real chicen"
3n the sub.ect of my life, post$clinic, I had no precise instructions< I .ust had to
show up once a wee" #he rest of the time it was, however, up to me to loo after
myself"
R
9aint&+irgues&en&Montagne
As paradoxical as it ma seem, there is a road to travel and it must be travelled, et
there is no traveller$ Acts are accomplished, et there is no actor$
$ &attipathana$&utta, X?II, 1R
3n 2: @une of the same year, I got up at si4 a"m" and turned on the radio, Radio
(ostalgie to be e4act" #here was a song by 2arcel %mont which spoe of a swarthy
2e4ican/ light, carefree, a bit silly< e4actly what I needed" I got washed listening to
the radio, then collected a few things together" IGd decided to go bac to &aint$
+irgues$en$2ontagne< at least, to have another stab at it"
1efore setting off, I finish what there is left to eat in the house" #his is somewhat
difficult as IGm not hungry" Fortunately there isnGt much/ four biscuits and a tin of
sardines" I donGt now why IGm doing it, itGs obvious that these products eep" 1ut
itGs been a while since the meaning of my actions has seemed clear to me< they donGt
seem clear very often, letGs say" #he rest of the time IGm more or less in the position
of observer"
3n entering the compartment IGm aware, even so, that IGm gradually losing it< I
choose to ignore this, and settle into a seat" %t ?angogne I rent a bicycle at the &(+F
station< IGve telephoned in advance to reserve it, IGve organi*ed things well" #hen I
get on the bie, and am instantly aware of the absurdity of the pro.ect/ itGs ten years
since IGve done any cycling, &aint$+irgues is forty ilometres away, the road there is
very mountainous and I feel barely capable of covering two ilometres on the flat"
IGve lost all aptitude, and whatGs more all appetite, for physical effort"
#he road will be permanent torture, but rather abstract, if you can say that" #he
region is totally deserted< you penetrate deeper and deeper into the mountains" I
suffer, IGve dramatically over$estimated my physical reserves" %nd the final goal of
the .ourney no longer seems so wonderful, it becomes more nebulous as I ascend
these unavailing and endless gradients without even looing at the landscape"
Right in the middle of one difficult climb, as IGm gasping lie an asphy4iated canary, I
spot a sign/ L+aution" &hot$firingG" 7espite everything, I find it a little hard to
believe" 'hoGd be after me here)
#he e4planation dawns on me a little while later" In fact the sign refers to 5uarrying<
itGs only rocs, then, that are to be destroyed" I lie that better"
#he going gets flatter< I raise my head" #o the right of the road there is a hill of
rubble, midway between dust and small pebbles" #he sloping surface is grey, of a
geometric and absolute flatness" Iery enticing" IGm sure if you set foot there youGd
sin straight down for several metres"
From time to time I stop beside the road, I smoe a cigarette, I shed a few tears and
then I press on" I wish I were dead" 1ut Gthere is a road to travel, and it must be
travelled"G
I arrive at &aint$+irgues in a pathetic state of e4haustion and I mae for the Parfum
des *ois hotel" %fter a short rest I go and drin a beer in the hotel bar" #he people of
the village have a friendly and welcoming air< they bid me good day"
I hope no one is going to engage me in conversation of a more precise ind, as me
if IGm doing a spot of tourism, where IGve come from by bie, if I find the region to
my taste, etc" 1ut happily none of this occurs"
2y margin of manoeuvre in life has become singularly restricted" I still envisage a
number of possibilities, but they vary only in points of detail"
#he dinner will settle nothing" &till, IGve taen three #ercians in the meantime" %nd
here I am, alone at my table, IGve ased for the gastronomic menu" It is absolutely
delicious< even the wine is good" I cry while eating, emitting little sobs"
?ater, in my room, I will try and sleep< once more in vain" #he sad cerebral routine<
the passing of a night that seems fro*en in time< the images that are disbursed with
increasing parsimony" 'hole minutes to straighten the bedspread"
%round four in the morning, though, the night taes on a different cast" &omething is
stirring deep within, asing to be revealed" #he very nature of this .ourney is
undergoing a change/ in my mind it becomes something decisive, almost heroic"
3n 21 @une, around seven, I get up, have my breafast and leave by bie for the
Forest of 2a*an" HesterdayGs hearty dinner has had the effect of giving me renewed
strength< I ride supply, effortlessly, through the pines"
#he weather is wonderfully fine, pleasant, springlie" #he Forest of 2a*an is very
pretty and also profoundly reassuring" It is a real country forest" #here are gently
rising paths, clearings, a sun which penetrates everywhere" #he meadows are
covered in daffodils" 3ne feels content, happy< there are no people" &omething
seems possible, here" 3ne has the impression of being present at a new departure"
%nd of a sudden all this evaporates" % great mental shoc restores me to the deepest
part of myself" %nd I tae stoc, and I ironi*e, but at the same time I have respect
for myself" 'hat a capacity I have for grandiose mental images, and of seeing them
throughJ ,ow clear, once more, is the image I have of the worldJ #he richness of
what is dying inside me is absolutely prodigious< I neednGt feel ashamed of myself< I
shall have tried"
I stretch out in a meadow, in the sun" %nd now it hurts, lying down in this softest of
meadows, in the midst of this most amiable and reassuring of landscapes" 6verything
which might have been a source of pleasure, of participation, of innocent sensual
harmony, has become a source of suffering and unhappiness" %t the same time I
feel, and with impressive violence, the possibility of .oy" For years I have been
waling alongside a phantom who loos lie me, and who lives in a theoretical
paradise strictly related to the world" IGve long believed that it was up to me to
become one with this phantom" #hatGs done with"
I cycle still further into the forest" 3n the other side of that hill is the source of the
River %rdTche, the map says" #he fact no longer interests me< I continue
nevertheless" %nd I no longer even now where the source is< at present, everything
loos the same" #he landscape is more and more gentle, amiable, .oyous< my sin
hurts" I am at the heart of the abyss" I feel my sin again as a frontier, and the
e4ternal world as a crushing weight" #he impression of separation is total< from now
on I am imprisoned within myself" It will not tae place, the sublime fusion< the goal
of life is missed" It is two in the afternoon"