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ps Mentally Strong People Avoid

All failed relationships hurt, but letting go of a toxic relationship is actually a gain, not a loss.

As youngsters we learn about sex education in grade school, the legality of marriage in our late
teens, and perhaps some social psychology in college. But when it comes down to actually
handling the intricacies of real-world relationships, were given very little formal guidance or
worse, were given advice columns in online beauty magazines.

Yes, relationships are trial-and-error from the get-go. And if youre like most of us, youve
experienced plenty of error along the way.

A big part of the problem is that many toxic relationship behaviors are baked right into our culture.
We worship the idea of carefree romantic love you know, where two people ride off into the
sunset happily ever after before they even truly know each other. And we are raised to objectify our
relationships and guard them like personal property. Thus, our friends and lovers are often treated
as assets rather than human beings of free will with whom to share true love and emotional support.

Fortunately, theres been a lot of scientific research into healthy and happy relationships over the
past few decades that have allowed people in the know to build their mental strength against toxic
relationships and toxic relationship behaviors. And thats exactly what I want to share with you
today ten common types of toxic relationships mentally strong people learn to avoid:
1. Relationships run by one person.

A relationship is toxic when one person is running it. Period.

When you feel out of control or a little lost it can be tempting to look for someone willing to take
charge of your life for you, just to alleviate the pressure. But before you do consider this: If you put
a collar around your own neck and hand the leash to someone else, youll have no say about where
they lead you in life.

We should never feel powerless or trapped in a relationship. In fact, if either person feels powerless
or trapped, the relationship doesnt really exist. Because thats what relationships are all about:
freedom.

Yes, healthy relationships are built on a solid foundation of free will and teamwork. And since
relationships are one of the greatest vehicles of personal growth and happiness, the most important
trip you will ever take in life is meeting someone else halfway. You will achieve far more by
working with them, rather than working against them or trying to control them. It really is a full
circle. The strength of a relationship depends on the individual strength of its two members, and the
strength of each member in the long run depends on the quality of the relationship.
2. Relationships that are supposed to complete you.

Our culture, which is predicated on fantasies of romantic love, often suggests that once you meet
The One, you will be lifted out of your misery or boredom and elevated into a state of perpetual
wholeness and bliss.

So, its easy to believe that its your partners job to make you feel joyful and whole. But the truth
is, while a healthy relationship can certainly bring joy, its not your partners job to fill in your
empty voids. Thats your job and yours alone, and until you accept full responsibility for your
emptiness, pain, or boredom, problems will inevitably ensue in the relationship.

The longing for completion that you feel inside comes from being out of touch with who you are.
Nobody else in this world can make you happy. Its something you have to do on your own. And
you have to create your own happiness first before you can share it with someone else.
3. Relationships that rely on codependency.

When your actions and thoughts revolve around another person to the complete disregard of your
own needs, thats codependency, and its toxic. When you set a precedent that someone else is
responsible for how you feel at all times (and vice versa), then you both will develop codependent
tendencies. Suddenly, neither one of you is allowed to plan something without getting approval.
All activities even the mundane things such as watching a TV program must be negotiated and
compromised. When someone begins to get upset, all personal needs go out the window because
its now your responsibility to make one another feel better.

The biggest problem of developing these codependent tendencies is that they breed resentment.
Sure, if Angel gets mad at me once because shes had a crappy day and is aggravated and needs
attention, thats understandable. But if it becomes an expectation that my life revolves around her
emotional well-being 24/7, then Im eventually going to become very bitter towards her feelings
and desires.

As Jim Rohn once said, The greatest gift you can give somebody is your own personal
development. I used to say, If you will take care of me, I will take care of you. Now I say, I will
take care of me for you, if you will take care of you for me.

In other words, take responsibility for your own emotions and expect your partner and friends to be
responsible for theirs. Theres a subtle yet important difference between being supportive and
being obligated at all times. Any sacrifices for others should be made as a self-directed choice and
not seen as an obligation. (Read Codependent No More.)
4. Relationships based on idealistic expectations.

You dont love and appreciate someone because theyre perfect, you love and appreciate them in
spite of the fact that they are not. Perfection is a deadly fantasy something none of us will ever
be. So beware of your tendency to fix someone when theyre NOT broken. They are perfectly
imperfect, just the way they should be.

Truthfully, the less you expect from someone you care about, the happier your relationship with
them will be. No one in your life will act exactly as you hope or expect them to, ever. They are not
YOU they will not love, give, understand or respond like you do.

The biggest disappointments in life and in relationships are the result of misplaced expectations.
Tempering unrealistic expectations of how something or someone should be will greatly reduce
unnecessary frustration and suffering.

Bottom line: Any relationship thats real will not be perfect, but if youre willing to work at it and
open up, it could be everything youve ever dreamed of.
5. Relationships where past blame is used to justify present righteousness.

When someone youre in a relationship with continues to blame you for your past mistakes, your
relationship is toxic. If both people in the relationship do this it becomes a hopeless battle to see
who has screwed up the most over the years, and therefore who owes the other one more of an
apology.

When you use someone elses past wrongdoings in order to try and justify your own present
righteousness, its a lose-lose situation. Not only are you dodging the current (valid) issue itself,
but youre digging up guilt and bitterness from the past to manipulate the other person into feeling
wrong in the present.

If this goes on long enough, both people in the relationship eventually spend most of their energy
trying to prove that theyre less guilty than the other rather than solving the present problem. They
spend all of their time trying to be less wrong for each other instead of being more right for each
other.

You must recognize that by choosing to be in a relationship with someone, you are choosing to be
with all of their prior mistakes. If you dont accept those mistakes, then ultimately, you do not
accept them. If something bothered you that much in the past, you should have dealt with it then.
Its time to let bygones be bygones. (Angel and I discuss this in detail in the Relationships chapter
of 1,000 Little Things Happy, Successful People Do Differently.)
6. Relationships built on daily lies.

Trust is the foundation of a healthy relationship, and when trust is broken it takes time and
willingness on the part of both people to repair it and heal. All too often, Ill hear a coaching client
say something like, I didnt tell him but I didnt lie about it, either. This statement is a
contradiction, as omissions are lies too. If youre covering up your tracks in any way, its only a
matter of time before the truth is revealed and trust in the relationship is broken.

Remember, an honest adversary is always better than a friend or lover who lies. Pay less attention to
what people say, and more attention to what they do. Their actions will show you the truth in the
long run.

If you catch someone you care about lying to you, speak up. Some people will lie to you repeatedly
in a vicious effort to get you to repeat their lies over and over until they effectively become true.
Dont partake in their nonsense. Dont let their lies be your reality. Dont be afraid to stand up for
the truth YOUR truth. Forgiveness and reconciliation cant begin until this truth is told.
7. Relationships that lack forgiveness and the willingness to rebuild trust.

Failing to understand that broken trust CAN be repaired leads to a grim future.

When trust is broken, which happens in nearly every long-term relationship at some point, its
essential to understand that it can be repaired, provided both people are willing to do the hard work
of self-growth.

In fact, its at this time, when it feels like the solid bedrock of your relationship has crumbled into
dust, that youre being given an opportunity to shed the patterns and dynamics with each other that
havent been serving you. Its painful work and a painful time, and the impulse will be to leave,
especially if you believe that broken trust cannot be repaired. But if you understand that trust levels
rise and fall over the course of a lifetime youll be more likely to find the strength to hang in, hang
on, and grow together.
8. Relationships in which passive aggression trumps communication.

Passive aggressive behavior takes many forms but can generally be described as a non-verbal
aggression that manifests in negative behavior. Instead of openly expressing how they feel,
someone makes subtle, annoying gestures directed at you. Instead of saying whats actually
upsetting you, you find small and petty ways to take jabs at someone until they pay attention and
get upset.

This is obviously a toxic relationship situation. It shows that you two are not comfortable
communicating openly and clearly with one another. A person has no reason to be passive-
aggressive if they feel safe expressing any worries or insecurities within the relationship. A person
will never feel a need to hide behind passive aggression if they feel like they wont be judged or
criticized for what they are thinking.

In healthy relationships, feelings and desires are shared openly. Make it clear that the other person
is not necessarily responsible or obligated to your ideas and opinions, but that youd love to have
their support. If they care about you, they will likely give it, or at least compromise in some way.
9. Relationships governed by emotional blackmail.

Emotional blackmail is when someone applies an emotional penalty against you when you dont do
exactly what they want. The key condition here is that you change your behavior, against your will,
as a result of the emotional blackmail. In other words, absent the emotional blackmail you would
do differently, but you fear the penalty so you give in. This is extremely toxic behavior.

The solution, as with passive aggression, is simply better communication. There should never be a
penalty, just an honest conversation. Its crucial for both people in a relationship to know that
negative thoughts and feelings can be communicated safely to one another without there being
penalties and harsh repercussions. Otherwise people will suppress their true thoughts and feelings
which leads to an environment of distrust and manipulation.

Perhaps theres something that really bothers you about your friend or lover. Why arent you
saying something? Are you afraid theyll get upset? Maybe they will and maybe they wont.
Either way you need to deal with it upfront, constructively, and avoid burying it until it worsens,
festers and explodes out of you.

Remember, its fine to get upset at someone you care about or to not like something about them.
Thats called being an imperfect human being. Understand that committing to a person and always
liking a persons choices is not the same thing. One can be committed to someone and not like
everything about them. On the contrary, two people who are capable of communicating sincere
criticism towards one another without judgment or emotional blackmail will strengthen their
commitment to one another in the long run. (Read Emotional Blackmail.)
10. Relationships that are always put on the back burner.

Failing to carve out quality time for important relationships is one of the most toxic relationship
mistakes of them all, and yet it often goes unnoticed at least for a while until everything starts
falling apart.

The truth is, relationships are like any other living entity: they require dedicated time in order to
survive and thrive. Its easy to allow life to take over, especially when you have young children,
work, and a body that needs nourishing food and exercise. But your relationship with someone is a
body as well, and if its not watered with quality time every week, it will start to wither. Make time
every week to focus only on those you care about, and time every day to pour even just a few
minutes of quality interaction into your closest relationships.

Nothing you can give is more appreciated than your sincere, focused attention your full presence.
Being with someone, listening without a clock and without anticipation of the next event is the
ultimate compliment. It is indeed the most valued gesture you can make to another human being.