Hosna - Fiqh of Love Notes

www.qhosna.com www.qhosna.com www.qhosna.com www.qhosna.
com
lor inlormation, contact: hosna.notes_gmail.com

c cc cO OO OL LL Lk kk k8 88 8l ll l N NN NO OO O1 11 1l ll l8 88 8

Qabeelat losna Qabeelat losna Qabeelat losna Qabeelat losna
August 2009 August 2009 August 2009 August 2009

All that is good and correct is lrom the blessings ol Allah () alone -
the compilers are solely responsible lor any mistakes and errors.
Qabeelah losna liqh ol love: marriage in lslam liqh ol love: marriage in lslam liqh ol love: marriage in lslam liqh ol love: marriage in lslam
November 6-81J1!-1, 2009 8haykh waleed lasyouni
2

www.qhosna.com www.qhosna.com www.qhosna.com www.qhosna.com

PraIse be Io AIIah, we seek HIs heIp and HIs IorgIveness. We seek reIuge wIIh AIIah
Irom Ihe evII oI our own souIs and Irom our bad deeds. Whomsoever AIIah guIdes wIII
never be Ied asIray, and whomsoever AIIah Ieaves asIray, no one can guIde. I bear
wIIness IhaI Ihere Is no god buI AIIah, and I bear wIIness IhaI Muhammad Is HIs sIave
and Messenger.

ThIs cIass Is good Ior parenIs who have chIIdren oI marrIageabIe age, Ihose IookIng Io
geI marrIed, Ihose recenIIy marrIed, Ihose aIready marrIed who have some IroubIes.

"O you who beIIeve! Iear AIIah as He shouId be Ieared, and dIe noI excepI In a sIaIe oI
IsIam (as MusIIms) wIIh compIeIe submIssIon Io AIIah." |3:102]

"O mankInd! Be duIIIuI Io you Lord, Who creaIed you Irom a sIngIe person, and Irom
hIm He creaIed hIs wIIe, and Irom Ihem boIh He creaIed many men and women, and
Iear AIIah Ihrough Whom you demand your muIuaI (rIghIs), and (do noI cI Ihe reIaIIons
oI) Ihe wombs (kInshIp). SureIy, AIIah Is Lver an AIIWaIcher over you." |4:1]

"O you who beIIeve! Keep your duIy Io AIIah and Iear HIm, and speak (aIways) Ihe
IruIh." |33:70]

As Ior whaI IoIIows: VerIIy Ihe mosI IruIhIuI speech Is Ihe Word oI AIIah and Ihe besI
guIdance Is Ihe guIdance oI Muhammad (saI AIIahu aIayhI wa saIIam), and Ihe worsI oI
aIIaIrs are Ihe newIy InvenIed maIIers (In Ihe reIIgIon) and every newIy InvenIed maIIer
Is an InnovaIIon and every InnovaIIon Is a goIng asIray and every goIng asIray Is In Ihe
IIre.

SemInar CoaIs
To Iove IIqh and apprecIaIe Ihe work oI Ihe schoIars.
To undersIand Ihe IIqh oI marrIage and dIvorce.
To respecI Ihe dIIIerenI opInIons beIween Ihe schoIars by anaIyzIng each
schoIar's perspecIIve.
To become beIIer husbands, wIves, and Io see ImmedIaIe resuIIs In our IIves.
To gIve Ihe sIudenI a cIear pIcIure oI whaI marrIage Is IIke.
To buIId a very respecIIuI Image oI Ihe husband and Ihe wIIe.
To honor marIIaI IIIe.

SemInar ObjecIIves
The abIIIIy Io reconcIIe beIween evIdences II Ihey appear Io conIradIcI.
KnowIng Ihe correcI meIhod oI recognIzIng an accepIabIe opInIon Irom an
InaccepIabIe one.
KnowIng Ihe meIhodoIogy oI MusIIm |urIsIs In esIabIIshIng ruIIngs.
The abIIIIy Io conIaIn marIIaI probIems and how Io deaI wIIh Ihem.
The abIIIIy Io make Ihe rIghI choIces In IIIe.
KnowIng Ihe roIe oI husband and wIIe In marIIaI IIIe.
Learn how Io Improve Ihe communIcaIIon skIIIs.
RecognIze Ihe wIsdom oI IsIamIc Iaw In marIIaI IIIe.
KnowIng Ihe ruIIng In Ihe new conIemporary Issues In marrIage.

One oI Ihe IasI pIeces oI advIce oI Ihe PropheI (saI AIIahu aIayhI wa saIIam): "Iear AIIah
and remember AIIah. Remember IhaI IhIs woman you are marrIed Io Is IawIuI Io you
onIy by AIIah's Words." Aren'I you supposed Io honor and respecI AIIah's Words7 You
need Io honor because II Is onIy IawIuI Io you by AIIah's Words.
!


In a NuIsheII

ChoosIng Ihe RIghI Spouse
The HunI
The LngagemenI

The MarrIage
MarrIage conIracI marrIage conIacI
The InIegraIs oI Ihe marrIage conIracI
LssenIIaI requIremenIs Ior Ihe marrIage conIracI
CondIIIons IhaI musI exIsI beIore perIormIng Ihe marrIage conIracI
ProhIbIIed and quesIIonabIe marrIage conIracIs

The WeddIng
The waIeemah
The weddIng nIghI

ReIaIIonshIps besIpracIIces
The IemaIe and maIe specIes
CommunIcaIIon
S0 IhIngs you need Io know abouI marIIaI reIaIIonshIps
Home or House
Sex and InIImacy In marrIed IIIe
IorepIay , CorepIay , MorepIay
ConIacepIIon meIhods and bIrIh conIroI
The newborn

MarrIage SOS
AILeIaa
AI DhIhaar
AI Nushooz
DomesIIc vIoIence
DIvorce
AI KhuI'
AI Iaskh
AI Iddah (Ihe waIIIng perIod)
AI Raj'ah (IakIng back Ihe dIvorcee)
IInancIaI supporI and hosIng Ior Ihe woman In 'Iddah
ChIId cusIody

The PropheI as a Husband

"There has cerIaInIy been Ior you In Ihe Messenger oI AIIah an exceIIenI paIIern Ior
anyone whose hope Is In AIIah and Ihe LasI Day and |who] remembers AIIah oIIen."
|33:21]

ThIs Is a very ImporIanI Issue Io sIarI wIIh. AIIah (subhanahu waIa'aIa) saId, "TruIy, In
Ihe PropheI (saI AIIahu aIayhI wa saIIam) Is an exampIe Ior aII oI you." The PropheI (saI
AIIahu aIayhI wa saIIam) was an exampIe Ior us noI onIy In how Io pray, IasI, make Hajj
buI aIso a roIe modeI Ior us when II comes Io how Io deaI wIIh peopIe, IrIends, IamIIy,
chIIdren, parenIs. HIs IIIe and IeachIng were meanI Io be a IIve exampIe Ior you Io copy
and IoIIow In hIs IooIsIeps. ThIs ensures Ihe besI exampIe. ThIs Is why Ihe PropheI's
4

(saI AIIahu aIayhI wa saIIam) personaI IIIe was documenIed In an amazIng way. DurIng
Ihe course, we wIII Iake a IoI oI exampIes Irom hIs IIIe and Iearn Irom hIs IeachIngs.

The reasons Ior pIuraI marrIages In Ihe IIIe oI Ihe PropheI (saI AIIahu aIayhI wa saIIam):
The IIrsI Issue IhaI many peopIe IhInk oI Is who Ihe PropheI (saI AIIahu aIayhI wa
saIIam) was marrIed Io. He dIed whIIe he had 9 oI hIs wIves. The quesIIon peopIe
aIways ask: II he Is such a greaI man and husband, why Is he marrIed Io so many
women7 You have Io undersIand IhaI aIways In hIsIory, you do noI Iook back II you are
goIng Io sIudy II. You Iook back and Ihen you go Iorward. You cannoI judge hIsIory
based on Ihe cuIIure you are IIvIng In Ioday. You have Io go back In IIme and see whaI
IhaI sounds IIke and Iooks IIke, oIherwIse you wIII never be abIe Io undersIand hIsIory
and whaI was happenIng aI IhaI IIme. The normaI IhIng oI IhaI IIme: peopIe have
muIIIpIe marrIages. ThIs Is noI someIhIng sIrange. II was a very normaI IhIng Ior a
person Io have severaI wIves. ThIs Is noI onIy Ihe case because IhIs was hIs cuIIure, buI
each and every IIme Ihe PropheI (saI AIIahu aIayhI wa saIIam) marrIed a woman, Ihere
was a reason behInd Ihe marrIage.

The MusIIm schoIars have dIscussed IhIs Issue. One oI Ihe IIrsI IhIngs Ihe schoIars saId:
These nIne wIves who survIved hIm were aII wIInesses over Ihe IIIe oI Ihe PropheI (saI
AIIahu aIayhI wa saIIam). They aII came Io one concIusIon IhaI Ihe besI man was a greaI
husband and greaI man In prIvaIe and personaI IIIe. These nIne women saId Io everyone
IhaI Ihey wIInessed hIs personaI IIIe and he was IruIy a propheI and pracIIced whaI he
beIIeved In. II Is very easy Io have good prIncIpIes In IIIe, buI II Is very hard Io IIve up Io
Ihese prIncIpIes. In order Io know II you IruIy beIIeve In Ihese prIncIpIes, Ihen Iook aI
your IIIe: are you Ihe same man In Ihe masjId, Ihe sIreeI, and Ihe medIa, or do you have
Iwo dIIIerenI Iaces7

SaIIyyah bInI Huyay (radhI AIIahu 'anha) had every reason Io expose Ihe PropheI (saI
AIIahu aIayhI wa saIIam) II he was hIdIng someIhIng. Why7 Because mosI oI her IamIIy,
IncIudIng her IaIher, was kIIIed by Ihe army oI Ihe MusIIms aI IhaI IIme. She Is one oI
Ihose who IesIIIIed IhaI Muhammad (saI AIIahu aIayhI wa saIIam) was a propheI.

AnoIher reason Ihe PropheI (saI AIIahu aIayhI wa saIIam) marrIed so many women was
IhaI Ihe personaI IIIe oI Ihe PropheI (saI AIIahu aIayhI wa saIIam) was noI reaIIy personaI
because II Is a source oI IegIsIaIIon Ior us. The personaI and pubIIc IIves oI any propheI
or messenger are Ior everyone even Io Ihe deIaIIs oI how Io baIhe and InIeracIIons wIIh
hIs wIves. The pubIIc Iearns Irom hIs personaI IIIe. There are many deIaIIs Io documenI
and narraIe Irom Ihe personaI IIIe, and II Is Ioo much Ior one woman. AII oI hIs wIves
documenIed hIs personaI IIIe. AIso, anoIher purpose oI Ihese marrIages was Ihe
buIIdIng oI IIes and kInshIp wIIh many IrIbes and peopIe. When Ihere Is kInshIp, II
opens doors Ior daw'ah. AIso, Ihere wIII be many supporIers and proIecIors because oI
Ihe kInshIp. Many peopIe aIso have Ihe honor oI beIng reIaIed Io Ihe PropheI (saI AIIahu
aIayhI wa saIIam).

The PropheI (saI AIIahu aIayhI wa saIIam) was a roIe modeI Ior us In everyIhIng. The
PropheI (saI AIIahu aIayhI wa saIIam) marrIed someone who was very young, someone
who was dIvorced, someone who was a wIdow, someone Irom a dIIIerenI cuIIure,
someone who was a converI, someone who was Irom a rIch IamIIy, someone oIder,
someone Ihe same age. Ior aII scenarIos you can IhInk oI, you wIII IInd Ihe PropheI (saI
AIIahu aIayhI wa saIIam) a roIe modeI Ior you. Lveryone wIII IeeI very conIIdenI Io Iook
and Io search In Ihe IIIe oI Ihe PropheI (saI AIIahu aIayhI wa saIIam) Ior answers and
soIuIIons Ior chaIIenges he has In hIs marIIaI IIIe.


II Is very dIIIIcuII Io pIease one woman. II Is a chaIIenge and IesI In IIIe. ImagIne, Ihe
PropheI (saI AIIahu aIayhI wa saIIam) had nIne wIves aI Ihe same IIme, and Ihey were aII
happy.

UmmahaIuI Mu'mIneen
1. KhadIja bInI KhuwayIId (radhI AIIahu 'anha)
She was Ihe mosI beIoved person Io hIs hearI. She was aIready marrIed IwIce
beIore she marrIed Ihe PropheI (saI AIIahu aIayhI wa saIIam). DurIng Ihe IIme oI
Ihe PropheI (saI AIIahu aIayhI wa saIIam), peopIe were noI InIeresIed In orphans,
and orphans were Iooked down upon because Ihe socIeIy was IrIbaI. IsIam came
Io emphasIze on Ihe rIghIs oI orphans because Ihey were negIecIed In IhaI
socIeIy.

KhadIja's IaIher Iooked on Ihe PropheI (saI AIIahu aIayhI wa saIIam) In Ihe same
way, and he was noI InIeresIed In havIng hIm marry hIs daughIer, and IhIs was
beIore he (saI AIIahu aIayhI wa saIIam) had become a propheI. HadeeIh reporIed
Irom BayhaqI: KhadIja prepared a parIy In her house Ior her IaIher and hIs
IrIend. She prepared Ihe oIdesI and sIrongesI IIquor Ihey had aI home. She
served II Io her IaIher, and he kepI drInkIng unIII he became drunk. She Ihen
wenI Io hIm and saId, "WouId you marry me Io Muhammad7" He saId, "Yes."
She Ihen asked Ihe oIher peopIe Io wIIness. She marrIed Muhammad. In IhaI
cuIIure, II you gIve your daughIer Io someone, Ihen Ihere Is a cerIaIn Iype oI
dress and perIume Ihe IaIher wears. She ImmedIaIeIy had everyIhIng ready and
puI everyIhIng on hIm. When he woke up In Ihe mornIng, he wondered whaI
happened. Then she IoId her IaIher IhaI he marrIed her Io Muhammad, and he
saId, "The orphan oI AbduI MuIIaIIb7" He saId IhaI he wouId never agree, and
she IoId hIm IhaI he had In IronI oI aII oI hIs IrIends. She IoId hIm: "Do you
wanI peopIe Io say IhaI you were drunk and dId noI know whaI you were
sayIng7" He wanIed Io proIecI hIs repuIaIIon and honor.

ThIs shows how much she Ioved Ihe PropheI (saI AIIahu aIayhI wa saIIam) Io go
Io so much IroubIe Io marry hIm. The PropheI (saI AIIahu aIayhI wa saIIam)
never marrIed anyone eIse whIIe he was marrIed Io her. He Ioved her Ior severaI
reasons. She beIIeved In hIm and hIs message and hIs goaIs. She supporIed hIm.
She IrusIed hIm and saId he was IeIIIng Ihe IruIh when everyone eIse saId IhaI he
was IyIng. She was Ihe moIher oI hIs chIIdren. One oI Ihe quaIIIIes IhaI made
her specIaI: Once Ihe angeI |IbreeI came Io Ihe PropheI (saI AIIahu aIayhI wa
saIIam) and saId, "TeII KhadIja IhaI AIIah has prepared Ior her a house In
ParadIse oI goId, and IhIs house Is IuII oI IranquIIIIy." Her house was IuII oI
IranquIIIIy.

2. Souda bInI Zam'aa (radhI AIIahu 'anha)
She had IosI her husband. KhawIah IaIked Io her dIrecIIy and IoId her IhaI she
had good news IhaI Ihe PropheI (saI AIIahu aIayhI wa saIIam) was InIeresIed In
marryIng her. Souda asked her Io speak wIIh her IaIher, and KhawIah wenI Io
her IaIher who was an oId man, and she greeIed hIm wIIh Ihe greeIIng oI
jahIIIyyah. She IoId hIm IhaI Muhammad senI her Io ask Ior her daughIer In
marrIage. He saId IhaI he was a greaI man, and he wouId noI mInd. OnIy
Souda's broIher objecIed Io Ihe weddIng (he IaIer became MusIIm).

3. AIsha bInI AbI Bakr (radhI AIIahu 'anha)
The son oI Mu'IIm Ibn AdI had aIready IaIked abouI AIsha Io Ihe PropheI (saI
AIIahu aIayhI wa saIIam) Ior hIs son. |ThIs shows how commonIy IhIs was
accepIed In IhaI socIeIy]. Abu Bakr wenI Io Mu'IIm Ibn AdI, and Mu'IIm Ibn AdI
6

sIarIed aIIackIng Abu Bakr because he was IoIIowIng Ihe PropheI (saI AIIahu
aIayhI wa saIIam), and he reIracIed hIs proposaI.

The consummaIIon oI Ihe marrIage dId noI Iake pIace unIII IaIer on In MadInah.
AIsha (radhI AIIahu 'anha) saId IhaI she was sIIII young In age and sIIII swIngIng
ouIsIde when her mom came Io her and IIxed her haIr and cIeaned her Iace and
cIoIhIng and Iook her Io her husband.

4. HaIsa bInI Umar (radhI AIIahu 'anha)
She was marrIed Io Amr Ibn Kunays who dIed. She was a wIdow. Her IaIher
Umar Ibn AI KhaIIab approached Abu Bakr Ior hIm Io marry her, and he dId noI
say anyIhIng. Umar saId IhaI he IeII bad when he dId noI say anyIhIng. He Ihen
wenI Io UIhman and asked hIm Io marry hIs daughIer, and he aIso dId noI repIy.
Then he asked hImseII why hIs IrIends were noI accepIIng hIs daughIer. The
PropheI (saI AIIahu aIayhI wa saIIam) IaIer approached hIm and asked hIm Ior
her hand. Abu Bakr Ihen IoId Umar IhaI he heard Ihe PropheI (saI AIIahu aIayhI
wa saIIam) IaIkIng abouI her, and he IhoughI IhaI he was InIeresIed In her, and
he dId noI wanI Io Iake Ihe opporIunIIy away Irom Umar. He wanIed Umar Io
have Ihe honor oI beIng Ihe IaIherInIaw oI Ihe PropheI (saI AIIahu aIayhI wa
saIIam), and he knew IhaI Ihe PropheI (saI AIIahu aIayhI wa saIIam) wouId be
happy marryIng Umar's daughIer, and he wanIed Ihe PropheI (saI AIIahu aIayhI
wa saIIam) Io be happy. Umar aIIer IhIs aIways wouId say Io gIve your broIher
sevenIy excuses and do noI ImmedIaIeIy IhInk bad oI hIm.

When Ihe PropheI (saI AIIahu aIayhI wa saIIam) enIered Makkah, a very oId man
came Io hIm. The narraIors saId IhaI Ihey couId see aII oI hIs veIns sIand ouI
Irom hIs oId age. He decIared hIs shahadah. AI IhaI momenI, Abu Bakr crIed.
Why was he cryIng7 He saId, "Ya RasuIuIIah, w'AIIahI, when I saw my IaIher's
hand sIreIched Io you, I wIshed Irom my hearI IhaI Ihe hand IhaI was sIreIched
Io meeI yours was your uncIe Abu TaIIb because I knew IhaI IhIs wouId make
you happy." HIs Iove had reached Io a hIgh IeveI.

S. ZaInab bInI Khuzaymah (radhI AIIahu 'anha)
6. Umm SaIamah bInI Abu Umayyah (radhI AIIahu 'anha)
7. ZaInIab bInI |ahsh (radhI AIIahu 'anha)
8. |uwaIrIyyah bInI AIHarIIh (radhI AIIahu 'anha)
9. Umm HabIbah bInI AbI SuIyan (radhI AIIahu 'anha)
10. SaIIyyah bInI Huyay (radhI AIIahu 'anha)
11. Maymoona bInI AI HarIIh (radhI AIIahu 'anha)

The PropheI (saI AIIahu aIayhI wa saIIam) expressed hIs Iove Io hIs wIves
Love Is Ihe mosI ImporIanI eIemenI In a marIIaI reIaIIonshIp. AIIah (subhanahu
waIa'aIa) saId, "Make beIween you and your spouse Iove and mercy." II eIIher oI Ihese
dIsappear, Ihen Ihe house wIII noI conIInue. Love and mercy musI boIh exIsI.
SomeIImes when Ihe Iove Is weak, Ihere Is sIIII mercy In Ihe hearI whIch can maInIaIn
Ihe marrIage. When Ihere Is no mercy buI Ihere Is Iove, Ihen II wIII brIng you back Io
your spouse.

The PropheI (saI AIIahu aIayhI wa saIIam) never hesIIaIed Io express hIs Iove. Many
husbands and wIves do noI share IhIs, especIaIIy Ihose who have mIgraIed Io AmerIca
because Ihey never saw IheIr parenIs sayIng IhIs Io each oIher, whIch may have been a
parI oI IheIr cuIIure.


When AmIr Ibn aI 'Aas (radhI AIIahu 'anhu) asked Ihe PropheI (saI AIIahu aIayhI wa
saIIam) who Ihe mosI beIoved person was Ior hIm, he answered "AIsha." He Ihen saId,
"Irom men7" He repIIed, "Her IaIher." |BukharI and MusIIm]
The PropheI (saI AIIahu aIayhI wa saIIam) was noI shy Io IeII hIs IrIends IhaI he Ioved hIs
wIIe.

Imam Ibn AI QayyIm saId IhaI propheIs and messengers wouId say II and noI shy away
Irom II. Those who say Io IheIr wIves IhaI Ihey Iove Ihem severaI IImes a day have a
beIIer reIaIIonshIp Ihan Ihose who do noI say II. Lxpress Iove verbaIIy and by acIIon.
The PropheI (saI AIIahu aIayhI wa saIIam) used Io express II In acIIon. BeIore he IeII Io
go Io Ihe masjId, he wouId kIss hIs wIIe |Irom AbI Dawud]. Irom SahIh BukharI: The
PropheI (saI AIIahu aIayhI wa saIIam) wouId even kIss hIs wIves on Ihe days he was
IasIIng.

The PropheI (saI AIIahu aIayhI wa saIIam) wouId show hIs Iove In any opporIunIIy.
SaIIyyah was noI a very rIch woman, and durIng Ihe Hajj, her cameI became sIck. The
PropheI (saI AIIahu aIayhI wa saIIam) came Io her, and she was cryIng, and Ihe PropheI
(saI AIIahu aIayhI wa saIIam) wIped her Iears wIIh hIs own hands and heId her Io
comIorI her. He asked anoIher one oI hIs wIves Io donaIe her cameI because she was
rIch.

The PropheI (saI AIIahu aIayhI wa saIIam) gave hIs wIves nIcknames. He caIIed AIsha
:Iuqn)nI or Iunn)nI because she dIed her haIr a bIonde coIor. AIsha (radhI AIIahu
'anha) saId IhaI one IIme a group oI peopIe came Irom AbyssInIa, and Ihey IIked Io
dance Irom IheIr cuIIure. They sIarIed dancIng In Ihe back oI Ihe masjId (IhIs shows
how much IsIam Is open Io oIher cuIIures). The peopIe oI MadInah were noI IamIIIar
wIIh IhIs. AIsha (radhI AIIahu 'anha) IoId Ihe PropheI (saI AIIahu aIayhI wa saIIam) IhaI
she wanIed Io Iook aI Ihem. She saId IhaI she puI her cheek agaInsI hIs and her chIn
agaInsI hIs shouIder and waIchIng. The PropheI (saI AIIahu aIayhI wa saIIam) asked her
II she was IInIshed Ihree IImes, and he kepI hoIdIng up Ihe curIaIn whIIe she waIched.
She saId IhaI she was noI enjoyIng waIchIng Ihem dance, buI she was enjoyIng beIng
cIose Io Ihe PropheI (saI AIIahu aIayhI wa saIIam).

The PropheI (saI AIIahu aIayhI wa saIIam) was IIred, and SaIIyyah saId, "Ya RasuIuIIah, I
wIsh IhaI whaI Is In you Is In me." The resI oI Ihe wIves Iooked aI her and wondered
whaI she was sayIng. She was wIshIng IhaI Ihe paIn In hIs body was In hers. The
PropheI (saI AIIahu aIayhI wa saIIam) saId, "W'AIIahI she Is sayIng Ihe IruIh."

II was narraIed IhaI Ihe PropheI (saI AIIahu aIayhI wa saIIam) saId, "Lven when you Iake
Iood and Ieed your wIIe wIIh your hand, IhIs Is a Iorm oI sadaqah."

Ibn KaIhIr narraIed IhaI even when Ihe PropheI (saI AIIahu aIayhI wa saIIam) came Io
sIeep aI nIghI, he wouId sIeep wIIhouI a shIrI so IhaI hIs skIn wouId Iouch Ihe skIn oI
hIs wIves. He wouId shower wIIh hIs wIIe. The PropheI (saI AIIahu aIayhI wa saIIam)
wouId have Iun wIIh hIs wIves. ThIs Is one oI Ihe ways Io show your Iove Io your wIIe.
Whenever Ihe PropheI (saI AIIahu aIayhI wa saIIam) drank Irom one sIde oI a cup and
gave II Io AIsha, she wouId drInk Irom Ihe same spoI where hIs IIps Iouched.

ImagIne: IhIs was a dry cuIIure, and Ihe PropheI (saI AIIahu aIayhI wa saIIam) was In hIs
S0s. UnIorIunaIeIy, when we IaIk abouI Iove and romance, we IhInk abouI Romeo and
|uIIeI and soap operas. Many peopIe IhInk abouI a boyIrIend , gIrIIrIend reIaIIonshIp.
ThIs Is noI Ihe IIIe oI Ihe PropheI (saI AIIahu aIayhI wa saIIam) and noI Ihe marIIaI
reIaIIonshIp IhaI Ihe PropheI (saI AIIahu aIayhI wa saIIam) had.

8

AIsha (radhI AIIahu 'anha) saId, "When Ihe PropheI (saI AIIahu aIayhI wa saIIam)
wanIed Io go ouI on a journey, he wouId casI IoIs beIween hIs wIves and Ihe one
whose name was drawn, he wouId Iake her wIIh hIm." |BukharI and MusIIm]
The PropheI (saI AIIahu aIayhI wa saIIam) spenI IIme wIIh hIs wIves.

The PropheI (saI AIIahu aIayhI wa saIIam) wouId spend quaIIIy IIme wIIh hIs wIves. In AI
TIrmIdhI: aIIer asr, Ihe PropheI (saI AIIahu aIayhI wa saIIam) wouId spend IIme wIIh aII
oI hIs wIves. When he was IraveIIng, he wouId Iake some oI hIs wIves wIIh hIm. The
PropheI (saI AIIahu aIayhI wa saIIam) was makIng I'IIkaI, and ZaInab came Io vIsII hIm
and sIayed wIIh hIm so Iong unIII II was very IaIe In Ihe nIghI. The PropheI (saI AIIahu
aIayhI wa saIIam) Ihen waIked her back Io her house. The hadeeIh shows IhaI he spenI
IIme wIIh hIs wIves and IaIked Io Ihem.

The PropheI (saI AIIahu aIayhI wa saIIam) was genIIe and passIonaIe wIIh hIs wIves
Ibn Abbas reporIed IhaI when SaIIyyah (radhI AIIahu 'anha) wanIed Io rIde her cameI,
Ihe PropheI (saI AIIahu aIayhI wa saIIam) heIped her onIo Ihe cameI by oIIerIng hIs IhIgh
Ior her Io sIep on. |AI HayIhamee, Majma' Az Zawaa'Id]

The PropheI (saI AIIahu aIayhI wa saIIam) was paIIenI wIIh hIs wIves
The PropheI (saI AIIahu aIayhI wa saIIam) was very consIderaIe.
Irom SahIh BukharI: DurIng one oI Ihe journeys, AIsha IosI her neckIace. The PropheI
(saI AIIahu aIayhI wa saIIam) saId he sIopped Ihe enIIre caravan Io Iook Ior her neckIace.
The neckIace meanI a IoI Io hIs wIIe. WhaI your spouse IhInks IhaI someIhIng Is
ImporIanI, Ihen II Is ImporIanI. In Ihe deserI, Arabs never sIop In pIaces wIIhouI waIer
because Ihey need Io wash up and gIve waIer Io Ihe cameIs. In IhIs pIace, Ihere was no
waIer, and II Ihe nIghI came Ihen Ihey wouId have Io sIay Ihere, so peopIe were angry
wIIh AIsha and Abu Bakr.

ImagIne II you were waIIIng Io caIch a IIIghI and your wIIe IeIIs you IhaI she IeII her rIng
In Ihe hoIeI room. WhaI wouId your reacIIon be7 "You deserve II, who IoId you Io brIng
II"7

Once SaIIyyah came Io Ihe PropheI (saI AIIahu aIayhI wa saIIam) and compIaIned Io hIm
how she was IeeIIng. The PropheI (saI AIIahu aIayhI wa saIIam) saId, "You shouId be
proud oI who you are. You are Ihe daughIer oI Ihe propheI, your broIher Is a propheI,
and you are marrIed Io a propheI. None oI Ihese women share anyIhIng IIke IhIs wIIh
you." She was descended Irom PropheI Musa. He made her IeeI good abouI herseII.

He was very paIIenI wIIh hIs wIves. Once Ihe PropheI (saI AIIahu aIayhI wa saIIam) was
aI AIsha's house, and HaIsa senI Iood Ior Ihe guesIs. AIsha was oIIended by IhIs. The
Iood came wIIh Ihe servanI Io Ihe PropheI (saI AIIahu aIayhI wa saIIam) and she hII Ihe
pIaIe so Ihe Iood and Ihe pIaIe IeII on Ihe IIoor. The PropheI (saI AIIahu aIayhI wa
saIIam) smIIed and Iooked aI hIs IrIends and saId, "Your moIher AIsha became very
jeaIous IonIghI." |Move on!] He (saI AIIahu aIayhI wa saIIam) undersIood IhaI she was
jeaIous and behaved IhIs way.

The PropheI (saI AIIahu aIayhI wa saIIam) was wIIIIng Io do whaIever II Iook Io gaIn Ihe
Iove oI hIs wIves. In SahIh MusIIm: Once Ihe PropheI (saI AIIahu aIayhI wa saIIam) wenI
Io HaIsa. ZaInab had money, and she used Io have honey. He wouId go Irom ZaInab Io
HaIsa Io AIsha. HaIsa and AIsha came up wIIh a pIan Io IeII Ihe PropheI (saI AIIahu
aIayhI wa saIIam) IhaI he smeIIed bad because oI Ihe honey. The PropheI (saI AIIahu
aIayhI wa saIIam) saId IhaI II was IorbIdden on hIm Io eaI honey anymore. He was
wIIIIng Io gIve up someIhIng he Ioved because II gave hIm bad breaIh and someIhIng
unpIeasanI Ior hIs wIves. ThIs Is a greaI Iesson Ior us. WInnIng Ihe hearI oI your spouse
9

Is someIhIng you need Io work on Io earn. You musI be wIIIIng Io sacrIIIce and change
and puI eIIorI Io wIn Ihe hearI oI your spouse. MarrIage means coupIes comIng
IogeIher Io ImpacI one anoIher. We aIways say IhaI II aIIer marrIage you Iook aI your
spouse and say IhaI s,he Is noI Ihe same person you marrIed, Ihen you are rIghI
because peopIe change and deveIop new habIIs.

The PropheI (saI AIIahu aIayhI wa saIIam) undersIood IhaI probIems happen. Umar
(radhI AIIahu 'anhu) asked hIs daughIer II she geIs angry wIIh Ihe PropheI (saI AIIahu
aIayhI wa saIIam) and IoId her noI Io. You may have a bIg posIIIon ouIsIde oI Ihe home,
buI aI home, your IIIIe Is husband.

AIsha (radhI AIIahu 'anha) saId IhaI Ihe PropheI (saI AIIahu aIayhI wa saIIam) saId Io her,
"I know when you are pIeased wIIh me or angry wIIh me." I saId, "When do you know
IhaI7" He saId, "When you are pIeased wIIh me, you say, 'No, by Ihe Lord oI
Muhammad,' buI when you are angry wIIh me, Ihen you say, 'No, by Ihe Lord oI
Abraham,' "Thereupon I saId, 'Yes (you are rIghI), buI by AIIah, O AIIah's Messenger, I
Ieave noIhIng buI your name.'" |BukharI and MusIIm]

SahIh BukharI: Once Ihe PropheI (saI AIIahu aIayhI wa saIIam) came home IaIe Io Ihe
house and IInd AIsha (radhI AIIahu 'anha) sIeepIng, buI she was noI reaIIy sIeepIng. He
sIowIy puI on hIs shoes and wenI ouI. AIsha IhoughI he had IeII Io go Io anoIher wIIe,
buI she Iound IhaI he wenI Io AI BaqIyy and was makIng du'a Ior Ihose who passed
away. He sIarIed Io head back Iowards Ihe house, and she ran back Io Ihe house. When
he saw her ouI oI breaIh, he saId, "Do you have asIhma7" She saId no, and Ihe PropheI
(saI AIIahu aIayhI wa saIIam) IoId her Io IeII hIm or AIIah wouId IeII hIm. She saId IhaI
she saw hIm IeII and was jeaIous and IoIIowed hIm. He Iapped her on her chesI and
saId, "Do you IhInk IhaI RasuIuIIah wIII noI be jusI and IaIr wIIh you7" She saId no, and
asked, "II I ever go Io Ihe cemeIery, whaI Is Ihe du'a I shouId say7" She changed Ihe
IopIc. The PropheI (saI AIIahu aIayhI wa saIIam) IeI II go. ThIs IncIdenI Ieaches us a
very ImporIanI ruIe: II Is noI abouI wInnIng a debaIe, II Is abouI wInnIng Ihe hearI oI
your spouse. In marIIaI reIaIIonshIps, we do noI Iry Io wIn debaIes. ThIs Is how Ihe
PropheI (saI AIIahu aIayhI wa saIIam) deaII wIIh hIs IamIIy.

The PropheI (saI AIIahu aIayhI wa saIIam) was IaIIhIuI Io hIs wIves
When HaIa, Ihe sIsIer oI KhadIja came, AIsha saw a bIg smIIe on Ihe Iace oI Ihe PropheI
(saI AIIahu aIayhI wa saIIam) because he IhoughI II was KhadIja InIIIaIIy upon hearIng
her voIce. Lvery LId AI Adha, Ihe PropheI (saI AIIahu aIayhI wa saIIam) wouId gIve parI
oI Ihe sacrIIIce Io KhadIja's IrIends and Ihose Io whom she had used Io gIve Iood Io.

AIsha (radhI AIIahu 'anha) saId, "I never IeII jeaIous Irom any oI Ihe PropheI (saI AIIahu
aIayhI wa saIIam)'s wIves as much as I IeII jeaIous oI KhadIjah, and Ihere Is no way IhaI I
couId reach her IeveI, Ior Ihe PropheI (saI AIIahu aIayhI wa saIIam) used Io IaIk abouI
her oIIen, and when he sacrIIIced a sheep, he wouId aIways send parI oI II Io KhadIja's
IrIends." |TIrmIdhI]

AdvanIage oI IearnIng abouI Ihe opposIIe sex Irom your parenIs: Ihey wIII IeII you Ihe
IruIh, you wIII as Ihough you can approach Ihem IaIer, your parenIs wIII noI expose you
Io garbage InIormaIIon, II Is a good sIarI.
DIsadvanIage oI IearnIng abouI Ihe opposIIe sex Irom your parenIs: may IeeI awkward,
Ihey don'I dIscuss Ihe core Issues.

AdvanIage oI IearnIng abouI Ihe opposIIe sex In Ihe hIgh schooI Iocker room: Can IaIk
IreeIy.
10

DIsadvanIage oI IearnIng abouI Ihe opposIIe sex In Ihe hIgh schooI Iocker room: Haram
IaIk IhaI wIII be specIIIcaIIy abouI peopIe, II wIII encourage you Io buIId reIaIIonshIps
ouIsIde oI Ihe haIaI, InexperIenced peopIe gIvIng IheIr advIce, dangerous source oI
InIormaIIon.

Marriage in lslam

WhaI Is marrIage In IsIam7 When we Iook aI Ihe Quran and Sunnah and Ihe concepI oI
marrIage, II Is very InIeresIIng. AIIah (subhanahu waIa'aIa) IaIked abouI Ihe concepI oI
marrIage and IamIIy aI IeasI 40 IImes In Ihe Quran, whIch Is a Iarge number oI verses
descrIbIng Ihe naIure oI Ihe reIaIIonshIp beIween Ihe husband and wIIe. We see IhaI
Ihere Is a cIear bond beIween men and women. The Quran IeIIs us IhaI aIIer AIIah
creaIed Adam, He creaIed Irom hIm hIs wIIe Lve. She Is human IIke Adam and Irom
hIm.

II may seem obvIous now, buI when Ihe PropheI (saI AIIahu aIayhI wa saIIam) was
around 32 years oId, In Irance Ihey were dIscussIng how Io deIIne women and II Ihey
were human or noI. IInaIIy aI IhaI IIme In Irance, Ihey decIded IhaI Ihe women have Ihe
body oI a human buI Ihe souI oI Ihe devII. No one respecIed IemaIes In generaI.
Women wouId be InherIIed In Arab cuIIure. In IndIa, women were owned by her
husband and dId noI have Ihe rIghI Io IIve aIIer Ihe deaIh oI her husband. IsIam IeIIs us
IhaI women are humans exacIIy IIke anyone eIse. The PropheI (saI AIIahu aIayhI wa
saIIam) saId IhaI women are equaI and Ihe sIbIIngs oI men. ThIs makes you Iook aI your
wIIe In a dIIIerenI way. You shouId noI enIer InIo a marIIaI reIaIIonshIp when you IhInk
oI women as Iess.

WhaI was Ihe naIure oI Ihe reIaIIonshIp beIween Adam and Lve7 AIIah (subhanahu
waIa'aIa) saId, "And Irom IhaI souI |sIngIe souI, Adam], AIIah creaIed hIs spouse." Lve
was Ihe spouse oI Adam (aIayhI saIaam). ThIs Is very InIeresIIng: she was noI hIs
gIrIIrIend or IrIend buI hIs wIIe. AIIah (subhanahu waIa'aIa) Is IeIIIng us Irom Ihe
begInnIng IhaI Ihe reIaIIonshIp beIween man and women Is husband and wIIe. AIIah
(subhanahu waIa'aIa) aIso IoId us IhaI Ihe marIIaI reIaIIonshIp shouId be based on Iove
and mercy. Surah Rum v. 21: "And among HIs sIgns Is IhIs, IhaI He creaIed Ior you
wIves Irom among yourseIves so IhaI you can IInd :nnn." 5nnn means home
(nn:nn), or Ihe pIace you IIve In. Why dId AIIah descrIbe Ihe marIIaI reIaIIonshIp IIke a
home7 Your spouse Is IIke a home. WhaI does home mean Io you7 Home represenIs
comIorI, securIIy, IoundaIIon, reIaxaIIon.

"And oI HIs SIgns Is IhaI He creaIed Ior you Irom yourseIves maIes IhaI you may IInd
IranquIIIIy In Ihem; and He pIaced beIween you aIIecIIon and mercy. Indeed In IhaI are
sIgns Ior a peopIe who gIve IhoughI." |30:21]

AIIah (subhanahu waIa'aIa) saId, "And AIIah made beIween you Iove and mercy." ]n'nn
= AIIah made. ThIs shows IhaI marrIage In IsIam Is noI jusI 'I Iove IhIs gIrI , man and
geI marrIed', buI II Is a reIIgIous duIy and an acI oI worshIp. AIIah brIngs Iove and
IranquIIIIy Io Ihe hearI. 5nnn was repeaIed In Surah AI A'raI v. 189.

MarrIage Is an acI oI worshIp as Ihe PropheI (saI AIIahu aIayhI wa saIIam) sIaIed cIearIy.
He (saI AIIahu aIayhI wa saIIam) saId, "When a person IuIIIIIs hIs sexuaI desIres wIIh
hIs,her spouse, Ihey wIII be rewarded Ior II." The sahabah asked II Ihey wouId receIve
reward, and he repIIed yes. He (saI AIIahu aIayhI wa saIIam) saId, "II you IuIIIII II In a
IorbIdden way, wouIdn'I II be sInIuI7 II you IuIIIII II In a permIssIbIe way, Ihen you wIII
be rewarded."

11

MarrIage Ieads Io |annah. Sunan Ibn Majah: "Whoever marrIes a rIghIeous spouse, AIIah
heIps hIm Io IuIIIII haII oI hIs deen." ThIs means IhaI when you are marrIed, you are
more IIkeIy Io have conIroI over your desIres, and desIres are haII oI Ihe probIem IhaI
Iead us Io dIsobey AIIah and commII sIns. ThIs heIps you Io be a much beIIer person.

|uIaybIb was a companIon oI Ihe PropheI (saI AIIahu aIayhI wa saIIam) and was known
Ior rIghIeousness buI aIso Ior noI beIng aIIracIIve aI aII. One day, Ihe PropheI (saI
AIIahu aIayhI wa saIIam) asked hIm why he was noI marrIed, and he repIIed IhaI no
woman wouId accepI hIm. The PropheI (saI AIIahu aIayhI wa saIIam) saId he wouId Iook
Ior a wIIe Ior hIm. The PropheI (saI AIIahu aIayhI wa saIIam) wenI Io a house and asked
Ior Ihe daughIer, Ihe parenIs were so happy and IhoughI IhaI Ihe PropheI (saI AIIahu
aIayhI wa saIIam) was goIng Io marry her, buI he IoId her IhaI he came Ior |uIaybIb.
They saId Ihe he was poor and noI aIIracIIve and Ihey were noI wIIIIng Io marry IheIr
daughIer Io hIm wIIhouI consuIIIng her. ImmedIaIeIy, Ihe gIrI caIIed Ihe PropheI (saI
AIIahu aIayhI wa saIIam), and she IaIked Io her parenIs and asked how Ihey couId rejecI
a proposaI Irom Ihe PropheI (saI AIIahu aIayhI wa saIIam) because II he came Io ask,
Ihen |uIaybIb musI be a very good man, and Ihe judgmenI oI Ihe PropheI (saI AIIahu
aIayhI wa saIIam) Is beIIer Ihan IheIrs. ThIs woman knew IhaI marrIage was a way Io
|annah. She accepIed hIm, and Ihey marrIed. The PropheI (saI AIIahu aIayhI wa saIIam)
saId, "Don'I IeI boIh oI Ihem ever IIve In any Iype oI hardshIp. And whenever Ihey seek
any good, make Ihe good IhaI Ihey seek come In abundance." He asked IhaI everyIhIng
Is easy Ior Ihem and IhaI good comes Io Ihem easIIy wIIhouI Ihem puIIIng IorIh any
eIIorI. ImmedIaIeIy aIIer |uIaybIb marrIed her, he was kIIIed and dIed as a shaheed In
Ihe BaIIIe oI Uhud. When Ihe PropheI (saI AIIahu aIayhI wa saIIam) saw hIm, he carrIed
hIs body wIIh hIs own hands and burIed hIm wIIh hIs own hands. ThIs Is how much Ihe
PropheI (saI AIIahu aIayhI wa saIIam) Ioved hIm. WhaI happened Io IhIs woman aIIer
IhIs7 AII oI Ihe companIons Irom Abu Bakr Io Ihe youngesI companIon were IookIng Io
marry her Io seek Ihe barakah oI Ihe suppIIcaIIon oI Ihe PropheI (saI AIIahu aIayhI wa
saIIam). Whoever wouId marry her wouId receIve goodness and a smooIh IIIe. II Is noI
onIy a maIerIaIIsIIc Iook Io marrIage In IsIam. The PropheI (saI AIIahu aIayhI wa saIIam)
saId Io Iook Ior Ihe reIIgIous woman.

A man saId IhaI one day hIs IamIIy came Io marry hIm Io a woman Irom Basrah. She
was Irom Ihe IabI'een and sIudIed under AIsha (radhI AIIahu 'anha). In Ihe IIrsI nIghI
Ihey were marrIed, Ihey boIh sIood up Io pray qIyam aI IayI. He read so beauIIIuIIy IhaI
she prayed IhaI he wouId never sIop, and Ihey prayed unIII Iajr. She saId II was a
wonderIuI IIIe. He dIed In 62 AH In Ihe baIIIe agaInsI Ihe Turks. She saId IhaI aIIer hIs
deaIh, women came Io her, and she IoId Ihem, "II you are here Io congraIuIaIe me IhaI
my husband dIed as a shaheed, Ihen you are weIcome. II you have come here Io weep,
Ihen Ieave." She IIved Ior 20 years aIIer Ihe deaIh oI her husband and never marrIed
agaIn. She was a rIghIeous woman and read Quran and IaughI. She sIudIed under many
companIons IncIudIng AII (radhI AIIahu 'anhu). Upon her deaIh, Ihey saw her cryIng and
IaughIng. She was cryIng because she wouId mIss Ihe nIghI prayer and readIng Quran.
She was IaughIng because she saw aI Ihe end oI Ihe room Ihe shape oI peopIe IhaI are
noI humans and noI jInn (I.e. noI scary), and she saw her husband comIng wIIh Ihem
and waIIIng Ior her. She knew IhaI II was her IIme Io be reconnecIed wIIh hIm. Ibn
HIbban menIIoned her as amongsI Ihe tIqnI, IrusIworIhy.

The Quran IeIIs us marrIage Is based on nn'oo. In Surah an NIsa v. 14: ".and IIve
wIIh your spouse In nn'oo |good manner]." Mn'oo Is commonIy known as good by
cusIom and cuIIure and by Ihe Quran and Sunnah as good. LxampIes: IorgIvIng,
smIIIng, mercy, charIIy, generosIIy, paIIence, IIowers, goodbye kIss, caIIIng, IexI
messagIng.

12

The PropheI (saI AIIahu aIayhI wa saIIam) ordered us Io noI onIy be whaI Is commonIy
known as good buI aIso Ihe besI. The PropheI (saI AIIahu aIayhI wa saIIam) saId, "The
besI oI you Is Ihe besI oI you Io hIs IamIIy (wIIe) and I am Ihe besI oI you Io my IamIIy."
|TIrmIdhI]

AIIah (subhanahu waIa'aIa) saId IhaI marrIage Is Ihe sunnah and Ihe way oI aII Ihe
propheIs and messengers. "And We have aIready senI messengers beIore you and
assIgned Io Ihem wIves and descendanIs. And II was noI Ior a messenger Io come wIIh
a sIgn excepI by permIssIon oI AIIah. Ior every Ierm Is a decree." |13:38]

Ibn Masood saId IhaI even II he had one nIghI IeII In IhIs IIIe, he wouId raIher dIe as a
marrIed person Ihan a sIngIe person. OnIy Ihe PropheI Lesa (aIayhI saIaam) dIed beIore
marryIng.

IsIam Ieaches us IhaI we shouId have a good InIenIIon when we marry. II you have a
good InIenIIon, Ihen AIIah wIII brIng Io you Ihe rIghI spouse. II AIIah knows IhaI you
InIend good and your InIenIIon Is pure, Ihen AIIah wIII brIng good Io you. AIIah wIII
never puI you down. The PropheI (saI AIIahu aIayhI wa saIIam) saId, "AIIah promIsed Io
heIp Ihree peopIe. Those who wanI Io geI marrIed Io proIecI IhemseIves." A judge
saId IhaI durIng Hajj season, one day he was so hungry and had no Iood and Iound In
Ihe sIreeI a cIoIh bag wIIh someIhIng wrapped InsIde. He opened II and Iound a
beauIIIuI neckIace. He Iook II and Ihen heard a man askIng II anyone had Iound a
neckIace." He asked Ihe man Ior a descrIpIIon oI Ihe neckIace and Ihen gave II Io Ihe
man. He dId noI Iake Ihe money Irom Ihe man because II was an nnnnnnI. Some days
wenI by, and he was on a shIp IhaI sIarIed Io sInk, and he survIved IIoaIIng on a pIece oI
wood and Ihen Ianded on an IsIand. He sIarIed recIIIng Quran, and Ihe peopIe asked
hIm II he wouId Ieach Ihem. He sIarIed a smaII cIrcIe and IaughI chIIdren and aduIIs.
AIIer some IIme, many accepIed IsIam, and one day Ihey saw hIm wrIIIng and asked II
he couId Ieach Ihem. He sIarIed Ior Ihem a smaII schooI In Ihe mornIng Io Ieach wrIIIng
and how Io do sImpIe maIh. They IoId hIm IhaI he was so good Ihem IhaI Ihey wanIed
Io reward hIm by marryIng hIm Io Ihe besI woman In Ihe IsIand. They broughI a
woman, and Irom a dIsIance she Iooked IIke a IuII moon wIIh a shInIng Iace. When she
was broughI cIose, he was shocked because she was wearIng Ihe same neckIace he had
Iound In Makkah many years beIore. They saw hIm IookIng aI Ihe neckIace, and he
expIaIned Ihe sIory. Lveryone In Ihe gaIherIng sIarIed Io make Iakbeer because her
IaIher had passed away recenIIy and when he reIurned Irom Makkah he wouId IaIk
abouI hIm and say IhaI he had never meI so one so honesI and wouId make du'a: "O
AIIah, II You ever gaIher hIm and me In one Iand agaIn, Ihen I wIII marry hIm Io my
daughIer." HIs du'a was answered. She IIved wIIh hIm and when she passed away, he
InherIIed Ihe neckIace and soId II Ior 100,000 pIeces oI goId. He sIarIed hIs own
busIness and became one oI Ihe rIchesI peopIe. The marrIage was IuII oI barakah.
Lesson: Cood InIenIIon can brIng Io you whaI you never dreamI oI In your IIIe. The
man was IookIng Ior bread Io eaI and became one oI Ihe rIchesI peopIe In Ihe hIsIory oI
schoIars, and AIIah broughI hIm a marrIage Io a beauIIIuI, IovIng woman. The mu'mIn
aIways remembers whaI AIIah IaughI Is In Ihe Quran. Surah AI Quran v. 74: ParI oI Ihe
suppIIcaIIon when sIngIe and marrIed Is
"And Ihose who say, 'Our Lord, granI us Irom among our wIves and
oIIsprIng comIorI Io our eyes and make us a Ieader |I.e. exampIe] Ior Ihe
rIghIeous." |2S:74]

The PropheI (saI AIIahu aIayhI wa saIIam) saId, "Iour sources oI happIness are: a pIous
wIIe, a spacIous house, a pIous neIghbor and a means oI IransporIaIIon IhaI Is IasI and
pIeasIng. And Iour are Ihe sources oI unhappIness: an evII wIIe, an evII neIghbor, an
evII means oI IransporIaIIon and cramped housIng." |HaakIm]
1!

AII oI Ihese are IIems oI Iuxury, and Ihe besI enjoymenI oI IhIs worId Is a pIous spouse.

The PropheI (saI AIIahu aIayhI wa saIIam) was IoId by a man IhaI he wouId noI marry,
and he (saI AIIahu aIayhI wa saIIam) saId IhaI whoever does noI IoIIow hIs sunnah Is noI
Irom among Ihem, and parI oI hIs sunnah Is marrIage.

"O mankInd, Iear your Lord, who creaIed you Irom one souI and creaIed Irom II IIs maIe
and dIspensed Irom boIh oI Ihem many men and women. And Iear AIIah, Ihrough
whom you ask one anoIher, and Ihe wombs. Indeed AIIah Is ever, over you, an
Observer." |4:1]

"And IIve wIIh Ihem In kIndness Ior II you dIsIIke Ihem - perhaps you dIsIIke a IhIng
and AIIah makes IhereIn much good." |4:19]

The PropheI (saI AIIahu aIayhI wa saIIam) saId, "By AIIah I am Ihe mosI IearIuI oI AIIah
oI aII oI you and I have Ihe mosI Iaqwa. However, I IasI and I break my IasI; I pray aI
nIghI and aI IImes I sIeep; and I marry women. Whoever Iurns away Irom my sunnah Is
noI Irom me." |AI BukharI and MusIIm]

The PropheI (saI AIIahu aIayhI wa saIIam) saId, "Whoever marrIes has compIeIed haII oI
hIs IaIIh, so IeI hIm have Iear oI AIIah In Ihe remaInIng haII oI hIs reIIgIon." |BayhaqI]

MarrIage Is a paIh Io |annah. ThIs person wIII be your spouse Io |annah. ChIIdren can
InIercede Ior IheIr parenIs Io enIer |annah and raIse IheIr IeveI In |annah.

Love in lslam

The mysIery oI beIng "In Iove"
AIIah (subhanahu waIa'aIa) IoId us IhaI Ihe marIIaI reIaIIonshIp Is based on Iove. Love Is
noI someIhIng Io be ashamed oI or Io shy away Irom. II Is a beauIIIuI IhIng. Love Is one
oI Ihe sIrongesI emoIIons IhaI can exIsI In Ihe hearI, whIch Is why II Is Ihe base oI
worshIppIng AIIah. WhaI Is Ihe mosI common Name Ior our Lord7 AIIah, whIch comes
Irom Ihe word nI whIch comes Irom nInI whIch Is aIso \nInI, whIch Is sIrong Iove.
AIIah Is Ihe One we Iove so much because Iove Is Ihe base oI our reIaIIonshIp wIIh AIIah,
and II moIIvaIes us Io worshIp HIm and obey HIm and rush Io pIease HIm. The uIema
saId: "IaIIh Is IIke a bIrd. Love Is Ihe head, hope Is Ihe rIghI wIng, and Iear Is Ihe IeII
wIng. II one oI Ihese wIngs Is weak, Ihen Ihe bIrd cannoI IIy hIgh. II boIh wIngs are
mIssIng, Ihen you wIII seIIIe where you are aI. When Ihe head Is cuI oII, Ihe bIrd Is
dead." There Is no IaIIh wIIhouI Iove oI AIIah (subhanahu waIa'aIa). The concepI oI Iove
Is deepIy rooIed In IsIam. You Iove AIIah and Ihe PropheI (saI AIIahu aIayhI wa saIIam)
and one anoIher as beIIevers. The PropheI (saI AIIahu aIayhI wa saIIam) saId Ihe
sIrongesI IIe Is IovIng one anoIher Ior Ihe sake oI AIIah.

LmoIIons are aImosI ImpossIbIe Io be deIIned. Words cannoI deIIne emoIIons. II Is a
IeeIIng IhaI everyone knows Irom experIence. Love Is someIhIng IhaI you have no
conIroI over. II Is noI by choIce IhaI you say 'I Iove you.' II can be IrIggered by choIce
and deveIoped by choIce, buI orIgInaIIy, you may Iove someone wIIhouI a reason. ThIs
Is why Iove Is noI someIhIng you wIII be heId accounIabIe Ior unIess you acI upon II. II
someone Ioves a gIrI so much, and she marrIes someone eIse, Ihen IhIs Iove In Ihe hearI
Is noI a sIn unIII II Is acIed upon. In Hajj, a man In AraIaI became so sad and IaInIed.
The woman he Ioved passed by and caused hIm Io IaInI. Ibn Abbas saId IhaI II was
someIhIng noI In hIs hand, and he wouId noI be heId accounIabIe Ior II.

14

Imam Ahmad saId, "Don'I expose yourseII Io a IrIaI IhaI you cannoI handIe. ThIs wouId
be Iove." Don'I expose yourseII Io someIhIng you may noI be abIe Io handIe. Don'I
underesIImaIe Ihe power oI Iove. The PropheI (saI AIIahu aIayhI wa saIIam) saId, "I
haven'I seen anyIhIng Ior Iwo peopIe who Iove each oIher IIke marrIage." Don'I sIarI a
reIaIIonshIp wIIh someone unIess II Is rIghI. Do noI sIarI a reIaIIonshIp ouIsIde oI Ihe
marrIage cIrcIe. Love Is a very sIrong weapon, and II used In Ihe wrong way, II may kIII
you.

Sayeed Ibn IsmaII Irom AI HIrah was a rIghIeous man. HIs wIIe saId IhaI Ihey used Io
have a IoI oI Iun wIIh neIghbors, and when he sIarIed prayIng In Ihe nIghI, he wouId
sIand Ior a Iong IIme and noI noIIce whaI Is happenIng In Ihe house. She asked her
husband, "I marrIed you In oId age. WhaI Is Ihe besI deed you dId In your IIIe and you
IhInk AIIah wIII reward you wIIh |annah Ior II7" He saId, "In my youIh, I was IakIng care
oI my IaIher's sheep, and a woman came Io me wearIng nIqab and IoId me IhaI she
Ioved me and Ihe Iove had Iaken over her hearI. I reIused Io commII aduIIery and
proposed marrIage Io her. I marrIed her and Iound IhIs woman Io have one eye and
dIsIIgured and exIremeIy unaIIracIIve and bad manners, buI she Ioved me so much. I
asked AIIah Io reward me Ior my paIIence, and I IIved wIIh her Ior 1S years. To IeII Ihe
IruIh, I was In mIsery buI never compIaIned one IIme because she Ioved me."

Love comes Irom Ihe word (Ioo), whIch means someIhIng seIIIed. Once Ihe cameI
seIIIes, II cannoI be moved. The Arabs wouId say IhaI when Ihey wouId dIg a weII and
Ihe waIer came ouI: In n nn'n. Hoo Is someIhIng IhaI appears In your acIIons. AIso
In ArabIc, we say Ihe whIIe IeeIh are In n n:nnn. II Is cIean and pure. Hn aIso
means seeds because Ihey are Ihe rooI oI Ihe pIanI, and Ioo Is Ihe rooI oI our acIIons.

The graduaI IeveIs oI Iove
Love does noI sIarI In one IeveI. The uIema say II sIarIs as an Idea and Ihen goes InIo
Ihe hearI (:Iq because II goes deep In Ihe hearI). II goes deep In Ihe hearI and seIIIes In
Ihe boIIom and becomes nutn))n (a sIave). II can reach Io a IeveI oI worshIppIng Ihe
person.

The PropheI (saI AIIahu aIayhI wa saIIam) speakIng abouI hIs wIIe KhadIja saId, "VerIIy, I
was IIIIed wIIh Iove Ior her."

"II Is He who creaIed you Irom one souI and creaIed Irom II IIs maIe IhaI he mIghI dweII
In securIIy wIIh her. And when he |I.e. man] covers her, she carrIes a IIghI burden |I.e. a
pregnancy] and conIInues IhereIn. And when II becomes heavy, Ihey boIh Invoke AIIah,
IheIr Lord, 'II You shouId gIve us a good |chIId], we wIII sureIy be among Ihe graIeIuI.'"
|7:89]

Bareerah was a sIave, and when she became a Iree woman, she decIded Io Ieave her
husband. MugheeIh Ioved her and used Io waIk behInd her In Ihe markeIs and ask her
Io come back Io hIm. The PropheI (saI AIIahu aIayhI wa saIIam) saw IhIs. The PropheI
(saI AIIahu aIayhI wa saIIam) was IeIIIng hIs uncIe Abbas Ihe sIory oI MugheeIh and
Bareerah and saId: "O Abbas! Isn'I II amazIng how much MugheeIh Ioves Bareerah and
how much Bareerah haIes MugheeIh7" ThIs Is a mysIery oI Iove. The PropheI (saI
AIIahu aIayhI wa saIIam) asked Bareerah why she dIdn'I consIder MugheeIh, and she
saId, "Ya RasuIuIIah, II you are orderIng me Io go back Io hIm, Ihen I wIII do II, buI II you
are jusI InIercedIng, Ihen I wIII noI go back." He (saI AIIahu aIayhI wa saIIam) saId IhaI
he was noI orderIng her, and she saId IhaI she dId noI wanI hIm.

Dr. HeIen saId IhaI II you are dumped, Ihen Ior a perIod oI IIme, you wIII Iove IhaI
person more, and Ihen you wIII Ieave II. Ior a perIod oI IIme, you wIII become very
1

aIIached and IhIs Iove In your hearI wIII Increase. ThIs Is normaI. Then peopIe move on.
ThIs Is one oI Ihe mysIerIes oI Iove.

2S IascInaIIng Love IacIs: peopIe who are newIy In Iove produce a decreased IeveI oI
Ihe hormone seroIonIn (as Iow as Ihe IeveIs Ior peopIe who have obsessIve compuIsIve
dIsorder) whIch Is why you become obsessed wIIh Ihe person.

Sex, InIaIaIIon, obsessIon, passIon, pIIy, sympaIhy, and Iove: Are Ihey synonymous7
SympaIhy Is noI Iove. Love Is IIke a smaII Iree. Whenever you pIanI Ihe Iree, II wIII grow
as much as you waIer II and Iake care oI II. When you acI upon Ihe Iove, Ihen Ihe Iove
grows and Ihe rooIs are sIrong In your hearI. Love grows by IIme. II Is noI Ihe normaI
sIIuaIIon IhaI Iove Is weaker aIIer 20 years. The more you IIve wIIh someone, Ihe more
you Iove Ihe person. We Iend Io Iove Ihose who are around us more Ihan Ihose we do
noI see. ArabIc sayIng: Ihe one you do noI see much, you wIII noI IhInk abouI hIm
aIIer.

Al-'Alaal in lslam

DeIInIIIon -
LInguIsIIc: Irom 'An, whIch means proIecIIon or purIIy
TechnIcaI: AbsIaInIng Irom any IndecenI words or acIIons

The PropheI (saI AIIahu aIayhI wa saIIam) asked AIIah Ior aI'aIaaI. In SahIh MusIIm, Ihe
PropheI (saI AIIahu aIayhI wa saIIam) wouId ask AIIah Ior guIdance, Iaqwa, aI'aIaaI, and
Io be rIch (aI ghIna). The PropheI (saI AIIahu aIayhI wa saIIam) was seekIng II. The besI
exampIe oI aI'aIaaI Is Ihe PropheI YusuI (aIayhI saIaam) who asked AIIah Ior reIuge
Irom Ihe woman who wanIed aduIIery. AI'aIaaI means Io absIaIn Irom IndecenI words
and acIIons.

WhaI are Ihe causes oI Indecency7
LocaIIon: work
IrIends: IrIends encourage peopIe Io do IndecenI acIs. SocIaI medIa (Iacebook,
TwIIIer, eIc.) exposes peopIe. When you see IrIends doIng someIhIng wIIhouI
anyIhIng happenIng Io Ihem, Ihen you IhInk IhaI noIhIng wIII happen Io you as
weII. IrIends IIrsI suggesI IhIngs you are noI aware oI, and Ihey are bad roIe
modeIs. They encourage you and aId you Io do whaI Is bad, and Ihey do noI
supporI you Io do whaI Is good.
Iudoo (exceedIng Ihe IImII): LveryIhIng has a IImII In SharI'ah, and II you exceed
Ihe IImII, II Is caIIed udoo. You are aIIowed Io see cerIaIn IhIngs, buI II you see
oIher IhIngs, Ihen you have exceeded Ihe IImII. Your eyes connecI Io your hearI.
Do noI IhInk IhaI whaI you see wIII noI seIIIe In your hearI. The Iook based on
IusI Is IIke an arrow IuII oI poIson IhaI wIII poIson your bIood and hearI and may
kIII you. AII probIems sIarI Irom IookIng.

A mu'adhIn In Iraq was gIvIng Ihe adhan and Iurned IeII and rIghI. On Ihe IeII
sIde, Ihere was a ChrIsIIan IraqI IamIIy, and Ihey wouId keep IheIr cIoIhes on Ihe
rooI. A woman was workIng Ihere, and he saw her and became dIsIracIed and
dId noI compIeIe Ihe adhan. He converIed Io ChrIsIIanIIy Io marry her, and Ihe
nexI day he dIed.

II someone says IhaI he doesn'I IeeI moved Irom Ihe Quran, II Is because he has
IIIIed hIs hearI wIIh garbage. II Iakes away Ihe Iove Ior whaI Is IawIuI.

16

WaIch ouI Ior whaI you are IIsIenIng Io. WhaI you hear wIII go sIraIghI Io your
hearI. MusIc IaIks abouI Indecency.

How does IsIam esIabIIsh 'AIaaI7
MarrIage
'Awrah. 'Awrah means IhaI a cerIaIn parI oI your body musI be covered and noI
exposed In IronI oI oIhers. The PropheI (saI AIIahu aIayhI wa saIIam) saId In a
hadeeIh reporIed by Imam MusIIm: "A man shouId noI Iook aI Ihe 'awrah oI
anoIher man, and a woman shouId noI Iook aI Ihe 'awrah oI anoIher woman."
The uIema debaIed over Ihe coverIng oI Ihe Iace and Ihe hands. Ior her
husband, a woman does noI have Io cover.

A woman musI cover her shouIders and back In IronI oI oIher women. She can
show Ihe parIs where she puIs her jeweIry (I.e. arms).

Ior men In IronI oI oIher men: Ihe sIomach Io Ihe knees. UIema debaIed over
Ihe auIhenIIcIIy oI Ihe hadeeIh: The PropheI (saI AIIahu aIayhI wa saIIam) saw
|urhud sIIIIng In Ihe markeI puIIIng hIs cIoIhIng up and exposIng hIs IhIgh, and
Ihe PropheI (saI AIIahu aIayhI wa saIIam) IoId hIm Io cover hIs IhIgh. In SahIh
BukharI, Anas Ibn MaIIk reporIed IhaI Ihe PropheI (saI AIIahu aIayhI wa saIIam)
was In baIIIe and hIs IhIgh was uncovered. AnoIher hadIIh In BukharI narraIed
by AIsha In whIch hIs IhIgh was uncovered and Abu Bakr and Umar enIered and
he dId noI cover II. AnoIher hadIIh In BukharI: The PropheI (saI AIIahu aIayhI
wa saIIam) was sIIIIng and puIIed hIs Iower garmenI unIII he uncovered parI oI
hIs IhIgh.
SchoIars saId: Irom aII oI Ihese ahadeeIh, we know IhaI Ihe PropheI (saI AIIahu
aIayhI wa saIIam) never wore someIhIng where hIs IhIgh was orIgInaIIy
uncovered. UIema saId IhaI Ihe Iower parI oI Ihe IhIgh cIoser Io Ihe knee Is
permIssIbIe Io show because oI Ihese ahadeeIh, buI Ihe Inner IhIgh cIoser Io Ihe
prIvaIe parI Is IorbIdden Io show. RegardIng Ihe hadeeIh oI |urhud, Ihe PropheI
(saI AIIahu aIayhI wa saIIam) used Ihe word 'awrah buI noI necessarIIy Ihe same
way used IaIer on by Ihe jurIsIs. The jurIsIs used II as whaI Is obIIgaIory Io
cover, buI we do noI judge Ihe sIaIemenI oI Ihe PropheI (saI AIIahu aIayhI wa
saIIam) wIIh Ihe Ianguage peopIe IaIer used. The PropheI (saI AIIahu aIayhI wa
saIIam) IoId |urhud Io cover because II Is Improper Io sII In a pubIIc pIace IIke
IhaI. ThIs Is how Ihe schoIars reconcIIed Ihe evIdences.

DhIkr oI AIIah. AIways say n'oodIu nI. YusuI (aIayhI saIaam) was sIngIe and
seduced by a beauIIIuI woman. He was a sIranger In Ihe pIace. When you are a
sIranger, no one knows you and cares. He was a sIave and a nobody, and peopIe
In hIgh posIIIons care abouI repuIaIIon. DespIIe Ihese reasons Io commII haram,
he (aIayhI saIaam) saId n'oodIu nI. When you IeeI IhIs caII oI Ihe ShayIan, say
n'oodIu nI. AIways remember AIIah (subhanahu waIa'aIa).

And she, In whose house he was, soughI Io seduce hIm. She cIosed Ihe doors
and saId, "Come, you." He saId, "|I seek] Ihe reIuge oI AIIah. Indeed, He Is my
masIer, who has made good my resIdence. Indeed wrongdoers wIII noI succeed."
|12:23]

IreemIxIng and KhaIwah
The PropheI (saI AIIahu aIayhI wa saIIam) saId Io never be aIone wIIh a woman
because Ihe IhIrd wIII be Ihe ShayIan. MujahId saId Io noI be aIone wIIh a
woman even II you are IeachIng her Quran.

1

PunIshmenI.
The PropheI (saI AIIahu aIayhI wa saIIam) saw In a dream a conIaIner wIIh a IIre
under II, and |IbreeI IoId hIm IhaI Ihese are Ihe IornIcaIors oI Ihe ummah beIng
burned In Ihe conIaIner.

IasIIng
CuardIng Ihe senses
Cood companIons
The Quran and Sunnah IoId us IhaI we can InvenI cerIaIn meIhods Io sIay away
Irom any IndecenI acI. There are many exampIes Irom Ihe oId days. One oI Ihe
earIy schoIars when Iaced wIIh sIIuaIIons wIIh hIs naIs wouId go Io Ihe
graveyard and IhInk abouI havIng IhIngs on hIs record. AnoIher way Io proIecI
yourseII Is exercIse because II wIII Iake away a IoI oI your energy.
These are permIssIbIe wIIh Ihe IoIIowIng condIIIons:
1) You cannoI change whaI Is haIaI Io haram and change whaI Is haram Io
haIaI. Irom Ihe Quran: "O you who beIIeve, do noI IorbId amongsI
yourseIves whaI AIIah made permIssIbIe."
2) You cannoI do II In a way In whIch you IeeI IhaI you have Io do II every
IIme IIke an IsIamIc ruIIng.
3) You cannoI specIIy any acI oI worshIp by cerIaIn numbers or IIme noI
specIIIed by SharI'ah. LxampIe: you cannoI say IhaI you wIII pray 12
rak'ah every IIme you do someIhIng, or IhaI you wIII IasI 3 days every
IIme you do someIhIng.
4) II shouId be In IIseII permIssIbIe. In Ihe SuII IradIIIons, Ihere are
exampIes oI haram: a man hII on a woman and IoId her IhaI he IIked her
eyes Ihe mosI, so she poked her eyes.
MasIurbaIIon Is an IndecenI acI. Imam Ash ShaII'ee saId: "MasIurbaIIon
Is haram because AIIah saId In Ihe Quran: 'They proIecI IheIr prIvaIe parI
Irom anyone excepI IheIr wIIe.'" |ThIs Is menIIoned In Surah AI
Mu'mInoon and Surah Ma'arIj]
The schoIars onIy aIIowed II when you have Io choose beIween a sIIuaIIon
oI aduIIery or masIurbaIIon, buI why wouId you puI yourseII In IhIs
sIIuaIIon7 II you do IhIs, Ihen you wIII keep doIng II Io Ihe exIenI IhaI
marrIed peopIe wouId raIher do II by IhemseIves raIher Ihan wIIh Ihe
spouse. The sIn makes you Iose Ihe beauIy oI Ihe haIaI, and you do noI
enjoy Ihe haIaI anymore.
AnoIher evIdence showIng II Is haram: The PropheI (saI AIIahu aIayhI wa
saIIam) saId, "SIn Is someIhIng IhaI you hIde and do noI wanI anyone Io
know abouI."
PeopIe usuaIIy combIne IhIs wIIh oIher acIIons IhaI are haram such as
IookIng or IIsIenIng Io someIhIng haram.

Abu Hurayrah narraIed IhaI Ihe PropheI (saI AIIahu aIayhI wa saIIam) saId, "There are
seven whom AIIah wIII shade In HIs Shade on Ihe Day when Ihere Is no shade excepI HIs
Shade: a jusI ruIer; a youIh who grew up In Ihe worshIp oI AIIah, Ihe MIghIy and
MajesIIc; a man whose hearI Is aIIached Io Ihe mosques; Iwo men who Iove each oIher
Ior AIIah's sake, meeIIng Ior IhaI and parIIng upon IhaI; a man who Is caIIed by a
woman oI beauIy and posIIIon |Ior IIIegaI InIercourse], buI he says: 'I Iear AIIah', a man
who gIves In charIIy and hIdes II, such IhaI hIs IeII hand does noI know whaI hIs rIghI
hand gIves In charIIy; and a man who remembered AIIah In prIvaIe and so hIs eyes shed
Iears." |AI BukharI and MusIIm]

"BuI IeI Ihem who IInd noI |Ihe means Ior] marrIage absIaIn |Irom sexuaI reIaIIons] unIII
AIIah enrIches Ihem Irom HIs bounIy." |24:33]
18


Q&A
II you are In Iove wIIh someone and keep IhInkIng abouI IhaI person, Ihen makIng dhIkr
oI AIIah a IoI. Try Io occupy your IIme. Do noI IeI II drag because Ihe more you IhInk
abouI Ihe person, Ihen Ihe more you wIII IhInk abouI IhaI person.

When you are a Ieenager, a cerIaIn parI oI Ihe braIn Is noI compIeIeIy deveIoped yeI,
whIch Is why Ieenagers are noI IuIIy capabIe oI makIng wIse decIsIons versus Ihose who
are IuIIy aduII. Teenagers are drIven more by emoIIons Ihan IogIc. MarrIage Is noI jusI
a reIaIIonshIp beIween Iwo IndIvIduaIs, buI II means IamIIy. Haram wIII Iake away Ihe
beauIy oI Ihe haIaI. AImosI every reIaIIonshIp sIarIIng wIIh daIIng ends In dIsasIer.

Love Is when you care abouI Ihe person, and InIaIuaIIon Is noI necessarIIy carIng abouI
Ihe oIher person. II you IruIy Iove a person, you can IeI Ihem go II II Is besI Ior Ihem.
Love Is knowIng IhaI Ihere are IauIIs wIIh Ihe oIher person, and InIaIuaIIon Is jusI
seeIng Ihe perIecI package.

The IsIamIc ruIIng on VaIenIIne's Day: The PropheI (saI AIIahu aIayhI wa saIIam) saId
IhaI we onIy have Iwo LIds In IsIam. LId Is someIhIng IhaI peopIe go back Io every year,
and Ihere are cerIaIn pracIIces and IradIIIons done aI Ihe same IIme or IocaIIon such as
Hajj. In IsIam, you cannoI have IhIs excepI durIng LId AI IIIr or LId AI Adha. IsIam
came durIng a IIme when peopIe had many IesIIvaIs reIaIed Io IIme or IocaIIon, and
IsIam eIImInaIed aII oI Ihem excepI Iwo. II you ceIebraIe everyIhIng such as MoIher's
Day, IaIher's Day, IourIh oI |uIy, ThanksgIvIng, eIc. Ihen you no Ionger IeeI IhaI Ihe
occasIon Is specIaI. LId Is IreaIed as someIhIng very specIaI. II Is noI aIIowed Io
ceIebraIe VaIenIIne's Day by makIng II a specIaI day. AIso, II Is ImIIaIIon oI Ihe kuIIar.
Lven regardIng cuIIuraI acIIons where II Is known IhaI II Is onIy cerIaIn peopIe doIng II,
Ihen II Is noI aIIowed.

The Purpose and Goals ol Marriage

AnyIhIng wIIhouI goaIs and purpose Is meanIngIess. In IradIIIonaI books oI IIqh,
schoIars dIscussed IhIs.

1. ProcreaIIon
The onIy way Ior humans Io survIve Is Io have InIercourse In order Io have
chIIdren. In order Ior any naIIon Io survIve, Ihey have Io produce 2.11 chIIdren.
To make Ihe ummah sIrong and powerIuI and Io brIng a generaIIon IhaI wIII
worshIp AIIah.

The PropheI (saI AIIahu aIayhI wa saIIam) saId, "Marry, Ior I shaII be proud oI
your Iarge numbers on Ihe Day oI |udgmenI." |Ibn Maajah]

2. PhysIcaI pIeasure
II Is good Io marry someone you are physIcaIIy aIIracIed Io.

The PropheI (saI AIIahu aIayhI wa saIIam) saId IhaI marrIage wIII heIp you Io
Iower your gaze. The besI oI women wIII saIIsIy your eyes.

3. IormIng Ihe cornersIone oI MusIIm socIeIy
The buIIdIng bIocks oI any socIeIy sIarI wIIh Ihe IamIIy. ThInk abouI
conIrIbuIIng Io Ihe communIIy when you geI marrIed.

19


4. CompanIonshIp
ThIs Is one oI Ihe besI purposes Io geI marrIed. When you are sIngIe, you have
no one Io IaIk Io. WhaI Is beIIer Ihan |annah7 Can you IhInk oI any pIace7
Adam (aIayhI saIaam) was bored unIII AIIah creaIed Ior hIm a wIIe. In |annah, no
one wIII be sIngIe. MosI oI Ihe peopIe who daIe are mIssIng companIonshIp
because Ihey have no one Io reIaIe Io.

In:nnn comes Irom Ihe word \nnn:, whIch means companIonshIp and Ihe voIce
oI peopIe around you. In:nnn was made In a way IhaI s,he wIII IeeI In need oI
oIher peopIe and companIonshIp.

S. MuIuaI assIsIIng
Someone Io heIp you In IIIe.

6. PsychoIogIcaI beneIIIs

7. BrIngIng up Ihe nexI generaIIon In a seIIIng mosI conducIve Ior moraI and
spIrIIuaI growIh

8. BuIIdIng and bIndIng peopIe and IamIIIes IogeIher
MarrIage brIngs IamIIIes IogeIher and connecIs Ihem IogeIher.

Many nonMusIIms may ask Ior reasons Io geI marrIed.
BeneIIIs Ior Men
MarrIage encourages beIIer reIaIIonshIps beIween parenIs and chIIdren,
especIaIIy IaIherchIId InIeracIIons
MarrIed men earn 1040 more Ihan sImIIar unmarrIed men
MarrIed men gaIn subsIanIIaI physIcaI heaIIh beneIIIs
MarrIed men have Iower IeveIs oI IesIosIerone, whIch Is assocIaIed wIIh a
reducIIon In aggressIve and rIsky behavIor, as weII as promIscuIIy
MarrIed men are Iess IIkeIy Io have aIcohoI and drug addIcIIons, Io commII
crIme, and Io be abusIve

BeneIIIs Ior Women
MarrIed women wIIhouI chIIdren have hIgher Incomes and marrIed moIhers are
Iess IIkeIy Io IIve In poverIy
Ior women, marrIage combaIs depressIon, provIdes parIIcuIarIy hIgh
psychoIogIcaI beneIIIs, and sIgnIIIcanIIy Iowers Ihe rIsk oI suIcIde
MarrIage normaIIy decreases Ihe IIkeIIhood IhaI a woman wIII be domesIIcaIIy
abused (versus Ihe boyIrIend - gIrIIrIend reIaIIonshIp)

Choosing Ihe RighI Spouse

Who Is Ihe rIghI spouse7 WhaI does 'rIghI spouse' mean7
The PropheI (saI AIIahu aIayhI wa saIIam) saId, "A woman Is marrIed Ior her reIIgIosIIy,
her weaIIh, or her beauIy. So go Ior Ihe one who Is reIIgIous, may your hands be IIIIed
wIIh dusI." |AnoIher narraIIons adds: Ior her IIneage , socIaI sIaIus]. ThIs hadeeIh
menIIons whaI peopIe are IookIng Ior. Ibn Hajar saId IhaI IhIs hadeeIh appIIes Io boIh
men and women.

The PropheI (saI AIIahu aIayhI wa saIIam) saId, "Choose Ihe besI Ior your sperm. Marry
Ihose who are quaIIIIed and geI Ihem marrIed accordIngIy (Io oIhers)." |Ibn Majah]
20


II you are searchIng Ior Ihe one, Iook Ior commonaIIIy and avoId racIsm. Look Ior
someone who shares many common IhIngs wIIh you such as your cuIIure, IeveI oI
educaIIon, socIaI sIaIus. Make IhIs a generaI ruIe. Look Ior someone who has a IoI oI
commonaIIIy. They say opposIIes aIIracI, buI IhIs Is noI a very correcI sIaIemenI.
OpposIIes may aIIracI In Ierms oI physIcaI appearance. A IaII man may Iook Ior a shorI
gIrI, a IhIn gIrI may Iook Ior a bIgger man, eIc. Do noI dIIIerenIIaIe beIween peopIe
based on skIn coIor or eIhnIcIIy or Ianguage or cuIIure.

Some peopIe are very pIcky and wIII onIy marry a docIor. OIher peopIe are very pIcky In
how Ihe person Iooks. Have a good Idea oI whaI you wanI: I.e. someone Irom IhIs
cuIIure, Irom IhIs educaIIonaI background, Irom IhIs socIaI IeveI. Be moderaIe and do
noI exaggeraIe.

ReIIgIon
The mosI ImporIanI ruIe:
The PropheI (saI AIIahu aIayhI wa saIIam) saId, "II someone whose reIIgIon and characIer
you are pIeased wIIh comes Io you Io marry your daughIer, Ihen marry her oII Io hIm.
II you don'I do so, Ihere wIII be IrIbuIaIIon on Ihe earIh and a greaI deaI oI evII."
|TIrmIdhI]

The PropheI (saI AIIahu aIayhI wa saIIam) saId, "Do noI marry women onIy Ior IheIr
beauIy as IhIs can cause Ihem goIng asIray, nor Ior IheIr weaIIh as IhIs mIghI cause
Ihem beIng arroganI. BuI marry Ihem Ior IheIr pIeIy." |Ibn Majah]

WhaI do we mean by reIIgIon7 WhaI does II mean IhaI someone Is reIIgIous7
1) A reIIgIous person musI be a MusIIm.
2) A person who IoIIows Ihe PropheI (saI AIIahu aIayhI wa saIIam), someone who
IoIIows Ihe sunnah, someone wIIh Ihe correcI beIIeI and aqeedah. Imam
AbdurRazzaq As SananI was InIeresIed In a ShI'a gIrI Io marry, and hIs shaykh IoId
hIm noI Io marry her because she wIII InIIuence hIm. AIIer he marrIed her unIII
recenI days, when you read hIs bIography, schoIars say: May AIIah IorgIve hIm, he
has ShI'I IendencIes In hIm.
3) Does Ihe person IuIIIII Ihe greaI obIIgaIIons In IsIam and absIaIn Irom Ihe greaI
sIns7 Someone wIIIIng Io sIrIve hard Io be a beIIer MusIIm. You musI have a good
sensor Io see II Ihe person Is IryIng Io Improve or happy wIIh Ihe sIaIus s,he Is aI.
4) Look aI Ihe appearance. Appearance Is a reIIecIIon oI Ihe hearI. The PropheI (saI
AIIahu aIayhI wa saIIam) saId, "AcIIons are by InIenIIons." One oI Ihe meanIngs oI
IhIs hadeeIh Is IhaI Ihe deeds are a reIIecIIon oI Ihe InIenIIon, so II you have a good
InIenIIon, Ihen II wIII reIIecI In your deeds.
A reIIgIous person who Iears AIIah wIII heIp you Io be a beIIer person and wIII sIand by
you durIng hardshIps. HavIng a reIIgIous person wIIh you Increases your Iman. II your
spouse Is aI a hIgher IeveI In |annah, Ihen you wIII joIn hIm,her Ihere.

BehavIor and CharacIer
NoI every reIIgIous person has good characIer. CharacIer Is bIgger Ihan beIng reIIgIous
and has a IoI Io do wIIh personaIIIy. A person may be reIIgIous buI a monsIer or sIIngy
or have a sharp Iongue or noI have a sense oI humor.

"LvII women are Ior evII men and evII men are Ior evII women. And good women are Ior
good men, and good men are Ior good women. Those |good peopIe] are decIared
InnocenI oI whaI Ihey |I.e. sIanderers] say. Ior Ihem Is IorgIveness and nobIe provIsIon."
|24:26]

21

Cood characIer Ior men: IorgIvIng, mercy, paIIence, conIIdence, reasonabIe, open
mInded, sense oI humor, InIeIIecIuaI, hard workIng.

In generaI, II you IInd a man wIIh mosI oI IhIs characIer, Ihen he Is a good person Io
hoId onIo:
CenerosIIy. He wIII IorgIve quIckIy and IeI smaII IhIngs goIng. A generous man Is
an open mInded person and aIso paIIenI.
PaIIence
HIghIy moIIvaIed.
Someone who smIIes a IoI
Tongue Is pure
WIsdom

Cood characIer Ior women: shyness, does noI hoId In anyIhIng, conIIdenI, supporIIve,
humbIe, IrusIworIhy, compeIIIIve

In generaI, II you IInd a sIsIer wIIh Ihe IoIIowIng, Ihen she Is a very good sIsIer: In)nn',
wIse, smIIes, IovIng, compassIonaIe, knows how Io show Iove, IaIIhIuI

AIIer Ihe deaIh oI Umar Ibn AbduI AzIz, hIs wIIe IaIIma saId, "Do you IhInk IhaI I wIII
obey my husband In hIs IIIeIIme and dIsobey hIm aIIer hIs deaIh7 WhaIever he gave
away I wIII never Iake back."

ChIIdbearIng
HadeeIh: "Marry Ihose women who are chIIdbearIng and IovIng."

VIrgInIIy
The PropheI (saI AIIahu aIayhI wa saIIam) saId Io marry Ihose who are vIrgIns. |aabIr
Ibn AbduIIah IoId Ihe PropheI (saI AIIahu aIayhI wa saIIam) IhaI he marrIed someone
who was prevIousIy marrIed. He IoId Ihe PropheI (saI AIIahu aIayhI wa saIIam) IhaI
hIs wIIe wIII Iook aIIer hIs sIsIers.

The schoIars say: you are Ihe IIrsI man In her IIIe, whIch can mean a IoI Io a IoI oI
peopIe. AIso, he wouId be Ihe IIrsI Iove In her IIIe, whIch Is a very sIrong Iove.

II someone was prevIousIy marrIed, Ihen you shouId be prepared Io dIscuss wIIh
your spouse: many comparIsons can come up.

Some schoIars say IhaI IhIs appIIes Io men and women, so II a dIvorced man and
never marrIed beIore man proposes Io a woman, Ihen Ihe one who was never
marrIed beIore wouId Iake precedence.

BeauIy
WhaI Is beauIy7 ThIs Is very subjecIIve and by personaI preIerence. Make sure IhaI
you do noI exaggeraIe In IhIs Issue.

WeaIIh
Do noI dIscrImInaIe on socIaI IeveIs. II a man Is poor buI can survIve and have a
house, Ihen aIhumduIIIIah. In Ihe Quran: II Ihey are poor, AIIah wIII heIp Ihem.

The PropheI (saI AIIahu aIayhI wa saIIam) saId AIIah promIsed Ihree peopIe supporI,
and one oI Ihem are Ihose who marrIed Io proIecI IheIr chasIIIy.

22

AbduI MaIIk Ibn Marwan asked Ior a Sayeed Ibn MusayyIb's daughIer's hand Ior hIs
son, buI he saId he wouId noI marry hIs daughIer Io someone oI greaI posIIIon.
Sayeed Ibn MusayyIb came one day aIIer dhuhr IaIe, and he mIssed Ihe IIrsI
IakbeeraI and sIarIed cryIng because Ior Ihe IasI 40 years, he had noI mIssed Ihe
IIrsI IakbeeraI and had prayed In Ihe IIrsI row. He meI one oI hIs sIudenIs and
asked hIm Io marry hIs daughIer, buI he IoId hIm IhaI he was poor. He marrIed hIs
daughIer, and one day he was IeavIng Ior cIass wIIh hIs IaIherInIaw, and hIs wIIe
IoId hIm Io sII because she knew aII oI her IaIher's knowIedge.

He has Io be a person capabIe oI earnIng money.

IamIIy LIneage
Look Ior peopIe you can IrusI. You wanI your chIIdren Io have good reIaIIves.

Love
Love Is a very good reason Io marry someone. Love In IIseII Is noI enough Io make a
marrIage happen. In 1662, Henry I Ioved a woman and wouId wrIIe her IeIIers wIIh
hIs bIood as Ink. In Ihe end, he dId noI marry her.

Love Is noI enough Io susIaIn a marrIage. There are oIher areas Io be Iooked aI and
combIned IogeIher.

Sexy
Many peopIe IhInk IhaI Is onIy a guy's IhIngs, buI boIh genders Iook Ior IhIs.

Is II recommended Io marry someone Irom Ihe same IamIIy or someone noI reIaIed Io
you7 There Is a hadeeIh whIch has no basIs In SharI'ah sayIng Io marry someone Iar
away Irom you. Shaykh BIn Baaz was asked abouI IhIs and saId II Is noI Irue Io say II Is
Ihe sunnah Io marry someone noI reIaIed Io you. The PropheI (saI AIIahu aIayhI wa
saIIam) marrIed hIs daughIer Io AII (radhI AIIahu 'anhu) who Is her cousIn. II Is aIIowed
Io marry Irom reIaIIves or Ihose who are noI reIaIed.

The HunI

The InIerneI Is one oI Ihe mosI dangerous hunIIng grounds because you reaIIy do noI
know who you are deaIIng wIIh. Lven peopIe who are reIIgIous IaII InIo Ihe haram usIng
Ihe InIerneI. On Ihe InIerneI, you wIII be exposed Io everyone. There shouId be no
meeIIng oI Ihe gIrI wIIhouI Ihe waII presenI.

"Women have a sexuaI checkIIsI, IIke men do. Women are aIIracIed Io a guy's sIyIe, Io
hIs conIIdence and Ihe way he carrIes hImseII. II's InIangIbIes: conIIdence, success,
IaIenI - Ihere's jusI someIhIng abouI hIm. II's aIIIIude: Ihey Iove conIIdenI guys.
They'd raIher have a IessaIIracIIve guy who's conIIdenI and secure Ihan an AdonIs
who's nervous. II's Ihe whoIe CIark KenI , Superman IhIng." |Adam on Ihe DIIIerence
beIween whaI Men and Women IInd Sexy, Irom Ihe Dr. Drew and Adam Book, page 29]
Arranged MarrIages
How do you geI Io
know Ihe person7
How shouId you IaIk
Io your parenIs
abouI hIm,her7
ConsuIIaIIons and
IsIIkharah
2!


IIIrIIng
IIIrIIng can be by words or acIIons, IncIudIng Ihe way you waIk, move, hoId yourseII, Ihe
Ione oI your voIce. PeopIe IIIrI Ior dIIIerenI reasons. AIIah (subhanahu waIa'aIa) IoId us
In Ihe Quran IhaI II Is haram Ior a person Io IaIk In a way IhaI wIII seduce Ihe oIher
person. IIIrIIng Is an InvIIaIIon, so when you IIIrI, II Is as II you are checkIng II Ihe oIher
person Is wIIIIng Io pIay or carry II on. II a person responds passIveIy, Ihen II means Io
Iake II Io Ihe nexI sIep, whIch Is dangerous. The response musI be very cIear Io back
oII. II a gIrI and man drag on In IhIs, Ihen II Is a 'decaI aIIaIr.' II wIII Iead Io Ihe haram.
AIIah (subhanahu waIa'aIa) saId, "Do noI IoIIow Ihe ShayIan's IooIsIeps. One sIep Ieads
Io anoIher."

WhaI can peopIe do Io sIop IhIs7 Iear AIIah (subhanahu waIa'aIa). Remember IhaI II
you are doIng IhIs, Ihen someone couId do II Io your wIIe, your moIher, your sIsIer.
Don'I puI yourseII In a posIIIon Io go down IhaI road. Check your InIenIIon. Know Ihe
proper eIIqueIIes wIIh Ihe opposIIe sex and do noI cross Ihe IImII.

Arranged marrIage vs. Iorced marrIages
Iorced marrIages are haram. SomeIImes, we Iorce our daughIers and sons InIo a
marrIage by puIIIng a IoI oI psychoIogIcaI pressure on Ihem. II Is haram Io puI IhaI
kInd oI pressure on your chIIdren, and II Is noI Ihe proper way Io marry your chIId. The
guIII IrIp wIII noI work Iong Ierm. You musI Iook Ior someIhIng posIIIve Io moIIvaIe
your son or daughIer.

Arranged marrIage Is one oI Ihe mosI successIuI modeIs. The IamIIy knows someone
and Ihey propose.

How do youy geI Io know IhaI IhIs Is Ihe one7
AIIah (subhanahu waIa'aIa) Is Ihe MosI KnowIedgeabIe, so when AIIah IegIsIaIes
someIhIng, II Is based on compIeIe wIsdom and knowIedge. When AIIah (subhanahu
waIa'aIa) IoId us IhaI we do noI have daIIng, Ihen II Is In Ihe besI InIeresI Ior us.

1 One oI Ihe cIear sIgns oI havIng Iaqwa or good characIer, havIng rIghIeous and
good IrIends. II you wanI Io know Ihe oIher person, see who s,he hangs ouI wIIh. Is
s,he wIIh peopIe who are good and have hIgh goaIs In IIIe or does s,he hang ouI
wIIh Iosers7 The PropheI (saI AIIahu aIayhI wa saIIam) saId a person wIII be IIke hIs
IrIends.
2 How does s,he spend hIs,her Iree IIme7 Do Ihey sIeep or are Ihey producIIve In
socIeIy7
3 HIgh sIandards. II a person has hIgh sIandards In IIIe, Ihen you know Ihe person
Is good Ior you. II someone has no goaIs In IIIe or Is noI serIous abouI IIIe, Ihen be
careIuI oI IhIs person.
4 AccompIIshmenIs and achIevemenIs In IIIe. Ask Ihe person whaI s,he has
accompIIshed In IIIe.
S MeeI Ihe parenIs. You can IInd ouI a IoI when you meeI Ihe parenIs.
6 LngagemenI perIod. ThIs Is a promIse oI marrIage. DurIng IhIs perIod oI IIme,
Ihere Is InIeracIIon beIween Ihe boy and gIrI and Ihe parenIs. In IhIs IIme, you can
see Ihe serIousness oI Ihe person and how good he Is. II Ihe person does noI seem
Io be good, Ihen you break Ihe engagemenI.
7 The conIracI perIod. AIIer Ihe conIracI has been done, II Is noI necessary Io
consummaIe Ihe marrIage. In IhIs perIod Ihere Is exIra prIvIIege, and you wIII
become cIoser Io each oIher. ThIs perIod aIIows you Io know more deIaIIs oI IhIs
person. II II doesn'I work, Ihen you break oII beIore Ihe consummaIIon oI Ihe
marrIage. The consequences oI IhIs are much Iess Ihan dIvorce.
24


Iour season Iree: In order Io know someone reaIIy weII, you musI know Ihe person
Ior Iour seasons, meanIng aII dIIIerenI sIIuaIIons. Take a good amounI oI IIme Io
know Ihe person. Do noI rush InIo Ihe marrIage no maIIer how pushy eIIher IamIIy
Is.

Al Du'aa & Al-lsIikharah

LInguIsIIcaIIy, 'IsIIkharah' comes Irom Ihe verb :tnInn whIch means seekIng ,
requesIIng guIdance In whaI Is good.

|abIr Ibn AbduIIah has saId IhaI Ihe PropheI (saI AIIahu aIayhI wa saIIam) IaughI us how
Io make IsIIkhaarah In aII (our) aIIaIrs, jusI as he IaughI us varIous surahs oI Ihe Quran.
He IoId us, "II anyone oI you consIders doIng someIhIng, he shouId oIIer a Iwo rak'aI
prayer oIher Ihan Ihe obIIgaIory prayers, and Ihen say (aIIer Ihe prayer), 'O AIIah! I ask
guIdance Irom Your knowIedge, and Power Irom Your MIghI and I ask Ior Your greaI
bIessIngs. You are capabIe and I am noI. You know and I do noI and You know Ihe
unseen. O AIIah! II You know IhaI IhIs IhIng Is good Ior my dccn and my subsIsIence
and Ior my HereaIIer - (or say, II II Is beIIer Ior my presenI and IaIer needs) - Ihen
ordaIn II Ior me and make II easy Ior me Io obIaIn, and Ihen bIess me In II. II You know
IhaI IhIs IhIng Is harmIuI Io me In my dccn and subsIsIence and In Ihe HereaIIer (or
say, II II Is worse Ior my presenI and IaIer needs) - Ihen keep II away Irom me, and keep
me away Irom II. And ordaIn Ior me whaIever Is good Ior me and make me saIIsIIed
wIIh II.' The PropheI (saI AIIahu aIayhI wa saIIam) added IhaI Ihen Ihe person shouId
menIIon hIs need."

When shouId Ihe du'a oI aI IsIIkhaarah be saId7
The PropheI (saI AIIahu aIayhI wa saIIam) saId IhaI II you wanI Io pray IsIIkhaarah, pray
Iwo rak'aI, and Ihen make Ihe suppIIcaIIon. The word 'Ihen' means aIIer you IInIsh Ihe
prayer. II Is eIIher aIIer Ihe IasIeem or rIghI beIore Ihe IasIeem aIIer IInIshIng Ihe
Iashahhud. |II Is more IIkeIy Io be aIIer Ihe saIaam]

PrayIng IsIIkhaarah Is recommended and noI an obIIgaIIon. PrayIng IsIIkhaarah Is a
Iorm oI suppIIcaIIon IhaI you make Io ask AIIah Io heIp you choose Ihe rIghI decIsIon
and bIess your choIce. II Is noI correcI Io IhInk IhaI AIIah wIII choose Ior you. You
choose Ior yourseII because you wIII bear responsIbIIIIy Ior your choIce. Don'I waII Ior
a sIgn. Many peopIe expecI Ihere Io be a dream.

Can aI IsIIkhaarah prayer be repeaIed more Ihan 1x7
IsIIkharah Is a Iorm oI suppIIcaIIon, and you can repeaI suppIIcaIIons. Can you say Ihe
IsIIkhaarah prayer wIIhouI Ihe saIaI7 No, because Ihe hadeeIh specIIIes IhaI II Is
connecIed Io Ihe prayer.

Can you pray sunnah oI Iajr and aI Ihe same IIme Ior IsIIkhaarah7 No. You musI have
Iwo rak'aI specIIIcaIIy Ior IsIIkhaarah.

You can pray IsIIkhaarah onIy Ior permIssIbIe IhIngs. You can pray IsIIkhaarah on Ihe
concepI oI II you shouId marry now or noI. You cannoI pray IsIIkhaarah on Ihe concepI
as a whoIe (I.e. II you shouId remaIn sIngIe Ior Ihe resI oI your IIIe or geI marrIed).

There Is no prooI In Ihe sunnah IhaI you shouId recIIe cerIaIn surahs In IhIs saIah. You
do noI pray IsIIkhaarah In every sIngIe maIIer. The PropheI (saI AIIahu aIayhI wa saIIam)
dId noI pray IsIIkhaarah Ior every marrIage.

2

Can someone pray IsIIkhaarah on behaII oI someone eIse7
No, because Ihe PropheI (saI AIIahu aIayhI wa saIIam) saId when Ihere Is a maIIer
concernIng you, Ihen you shouId suppIIcaIe and make Ihe du'a. The PropheI (saI AIIahu
aIayhI wa saIIam) saId, "II one oI you Is abouI Io make a decIsIon beIween Iwo IhIngs
and Is conIused." AnoIher hadeeIh: "nobody shouId pray on someone eIse's behaII
and no one shouId IasI on someone eIse's behaII."

WhaI shouId a woman do II she Is mensIruaIIng7
You can make Ihe du'a wIIhouI Ihe prayer II you need Io make a decIsIon rIghI away.

Can Ihe du'a be read Irom paper7 Can II be read In oIher Ihan In ArabIc7
Yes, II can be read In LngIIsh because II Is a Iorm oI suppIIcaIIon, and II Is ouIsIde oI Ihe
prayer. The uIema aIIowed Ihe suppIIcaIIon Io be done In any Ianguage. II can be read
Irom a pIece oI paper. You shouId noI change Ihe words.

The one who prays IsIIkhaarah wIII never regreI, and Ihe one who consuIIs wIII never be
dIsappoInIed.

AI IsIIkhaarah prayer shouId noI sIop you Irom consuIIaIIons

Who shouId you consuII7
Someone who knows Ihe person and Is jusI and IaIr. II you know someIhIng bad abouI
Ihe person and are asked, shouId you say II or noI7 ThIs Is one oI Ihe sIIuaIIons where
gIccnI Is permIssIbIe because oI Ihe greaI beneIII oI gIvIng advIce. The PropheI (saI
AIIahu aIayhI wa saIIam) saId, "When you are seekIng consuIIaIIon, II Is a IrusI upon hIm
or her Io IeII Ihe IruIh." WouId you gIve a consuIIaIIon Io someone wIIhouI beIng asked
Ior II7 Ior exampIe, II you know someIhIng abouI someone, shouId you voIunIarIIy IeII
a person InIeresIed In IhaI person abouI II7 You have Io judge IhIs based on Ihe
sIIuaIIon and II II wouId beneIII or cause more harm. II II Is someIhIng IhaI wIII ImpacI
and aIIecI Ihe marrIage, Ihen you shouId say II. II Ihere Is someIhIng Ihe person dId In
Ihe pasI and you do noI know II Ihe person Is conIInuIng Io do II, Ihen do noI expose II
because you are supposed Io cover Ihe sIns.

Do you consuII exspouses7 You shouId IIIIer Ihe InIormaIIon IhaI comes Irom Ihe ex
spouse. Shaykh WaIeed Is In Iavor oI askIng.

The EngagemenI

LInguIsIIc deIInIIIon: comes Irom Ihe word Int, whIch means 'Ihe maIIer' and II
reIers Io Ihe engagemenI.

TechnIcaI deIInIIIon: when a person proposes Io a woman or Io her guardIan (waII) Ior
marrIage

ThIs Is jusI a promIse.

The Proposal

A proposaI In SharI'ah doesn'I have a specIIIc scrIpI or phrase IhaI Is IoIIowed.

An IIaIIan IecIurer Irom 1S27 was a very shy person who wanIed Io propose Io Ihe
woman he Ioved. He wroIe a book caIIed The Dream oI Love, whIch Is comprIsed oI 37
chapIers conIaInIng more Ihan 16S,000 words. WhaI Is unIque Is IhaI when you Iook aI
26

Ihe IIrsI IeIIer oI every chapIer and puI Ihem IogeIher, II Iormed: Irancesco |IasI name]
Loves .

Is recIIIng SuraI AI IaIIhah parI oI Ihe Sunnah oI Ihe engagemenI7 ThIs Is common In
Arab cuIIure. ThIs Is a Iorm oI bId'ah because II Is noI Irom Ihe pracIIce oI Ihe PropheI
(saI AIIahu aIayhI wa saIIam), and II Ihere was any good In II, Ihen he wouId have IoId us.

The manner oI proposIng In SharI'ah can be eIIher overI or ImpIIed. (These are Iwo
Iorms oI proposIng). DIrecI: sayIng IhaI you are InIeresIed In marryIng someone. Ior
cerIaIn women In cerIaIn cIrcumsIances, II Is haram Io propose In an expIIcII way, and II
Is onIy aIIowed In an IndIrecI way.

When II Is permIssIbIe Io propose In an expIIcII way: II a woman Is noI marrIed Io
someone and Is noI In her Iddah. II Is permIssIbIe Io propose Io a woman In an IndIrecI
way II IhIs woman Is a wIdow and she Is sIIII In Ihe waIIIng perIod. II Is aIso permIssIbIe
Io propose In an IndIrecI way Io a woman who has been dIvorced Ior a IhIrd IIme. AIso,
II Is aIso permIssIbIe Io propose In an IndIrecI way II Ihe woman dIvorced Ihe man or
Ihe judge broke Ihe marrIage. The prooI: The PropheI (saI AIIahu aIayhI wa saIIam) IoId
IaIIma bInI Qays who was a dIvorced woman Ior Ihe IhIrd IIme, IhaI she shouId noI
accepI any proposaI unIII she IeI hIm know, meanIng IndIrecIIy IhaI he had someone Ior
her. The uIema saId IhaI IhIs Is an IndIrecI way. In Surah AI Baqarah, AIIah (subhanahu
waIa'aIa) menIIoned Ihe wIdow, buI we know Ihe oIher caIegorIes Irom Ihe sunnah oI
Ihe PropheI (saI AIIahu aIayhI wa saIIam).

DurIng a woman's waIIIng perIod, uIema agreed IhaI a woman In such a sIaIus Is noI
aIIowed Io IaIk abouI sexuaI Issues and shouId reIraIn Irom such IaIk.

The PropheI (saI AIIahu aIayhI wa saIIam) saId, "A MusIIm cannoI propose over Ihe
proposaI oI hIs broIher unIII eIIher he marrIes Ihe woman or gIves her up." |AI BukharI]

IaIIma bInI Qays reporIed IhaI Abu Amr bIn HaIs dIvorced her absoIuIeIy when he was
away Irom home, and he senI hIs agenI Io her wIIh some barIey. She was dIspIeased
wIIh hIm and when he saId, "I swear by AIIah IhaI you have no cIaIm on us", she wenI Io
Ihe PropheI (saI AIIahu aIayhI wa saIIam) and menIIoned IhaI Io hIm. He saId, "There Is
no maInIenance due Io you Irom hIm" and he commanded her Io spend Ihe 'Iddah In
Ihe house oI Umm SharIk, buI Ihen saId, "ThaI Is a woman whom my companIons vIsII.
So beIIer spend IhIs perIod In Ihe house oI Ibn Umm MakIum Ior he Is a bIInd man and
you can puI oII your garmenIs. And when Ihe 'Iddah Is over, InIorm me." She saId,
"When my perIod oI 'Iddah was over, I menIIoned Io hIm IhaI Mu'awIya bIn Abu SuIyan
and |ahm had senI proposaI oI marrIage Io me", whereupon Ihe PropheI (saI AIIahu
aIayhI wa saIIam) saId, "As Ior Abu |ahm, he does noI puI down hIs sIaII Irom hIs
shouIder, and as Ior Mu'awIya, he Is a poor man havIng no properIy, marry Usama bIn
Zayd." I objecIed Io hIm, buI he agaIn saId, "Marry Usama" so I marrIed hIm. AIIah
bIessed IhereIn and I was envIed (by oIhers)." |MusIIm]

Irom Ihe hadeeIh, IaIIma bInI Qays IoId Ihe PropheI (saI AIIahu aIayhI wa saIIam) IhaI
she had Ihree proposaIs. How can Ihree peopIe propose Io a woman7 The vasI majorIIy
oI schoIars saId: II Ihe woman shows accepIance Io Ihe one who proposes Io her, Ihen
II Is IorbIdden. As Iong as II Is jusI a proposaI and she has noI made a decIsIon, Ihen II
Is aIIowed Ior oIhers Io propose. II she agreed Io one person, Ihen Ihe hadeeIh In AI
BukharI Is appIIed. ThIs Is how Ihe Iwo ahadeeIh are reconcIIed. Imam MaaIIk saId IhaI
II she accepIs someone and Ihey pIan Ior Ihe weddIng and agree on Ihe mahar, Ihen II Is
IorbIdden Ior someone eIse Io make a proposaI. |ThIs Is aIso Ihe opInIon oI AI TahawI]

2

OIher schoIars saId IhaI you are noI aIIowed Io propose Io a gIrI II you know someone
eIse proposed. They saId IhaI IaIIma's IncIdenI shows IhaI II Is permIssIbIe buI
dIsIIked. They saId II Is noI recommended because II creaIes conIusIon Ior Ihe sIsIer
and bad IeeIIngs amongsI Ihe MusIIms. These schoIars say IhaI regardIng Ihe hadeeIh
oI IaIIma, Ihere Is no prooI IhaI Ihey knew oI Ihe oIher proposaIs. ThIs Is Ihe opInIon
oI Imam Ahmad and Adh DhahIrIyyah.

Is II permIssIbIe Io propose Io a woman who Is consIderIng a proposaI oI a corrupI
person (IasIq)7
Ibn QasIm, a MaIIkI schoIar, saId IhaI II a woman Is engaged Io a IasIq, Ihen you are
aIIowed Io propose Io her. The resI oI Ihe schoIars dIsagree wIIh IhIs. Imam NawawI
and Ibn Hajar dIsagreed and saId IhaI even Ihough he Is IasIq, he Is sIIII a MusIIm, and
Ihe PropheI (saI AIIahu aIayhI wa saIIam) saId IhaI you cannoI propose over your
broIher.

Is II aIIowed Ior you Io propose Io a woman who Is consIderIng a proposaI oI a non
MusIIm7 Some schoIars saId II Is permIssIbIe because Ihe hadeeIh saId 'broIher.' II
Ihere Is a ChrIsIIan woman who has aIready been proposed Io by a nonMusIIm, some
schoIars say II Is noI permIssIbIe Io propose because II Is bad manners and break IIes,
whIch IsIam does noI have. Imam NawawI saId IhaI Ihe mosI common sIIuaIIon
happens wIIh MusIIms and IhIs Is a rare IncIdenI, and Ihe ruIIng goes Io Ihe common
and noI Ihe rare.

The brIde can accepI more Ihan one proposaI, and Ihe man can propose Io more Ihan
one woman aI a IIme. However, IhIs can cause conIusIon.

II's noI recommended Io propose Io someone undecIded.

MarryIng Ihe IIance oI someone Is a sIn, buI Ihe marrIage wIII be vaIId by Ihe majorIIy oI
jurIsI's opInIon. Some saId II Is haram because someIhIng based on a sIn Is wrong.
Imam ShaII'ee, Imam MaIIk and oIhers saId II Is vaIId because IhIs Is noI a pIIIar oI Ihe
marrIage. MarrIage and engagemenI are noI based on each oIher. MarrIage and
engagemenI are Iwo IoIaIIy dIIIerenI IhIngs. MarrIage Is a conIracI, and engagemenI Is a
IaIk and a promIse. There Is a sIn because she beIrayed someone. One narraIIon Irom
Imam MaaIIk and Imam Ahmad sayIng IhaI II wIII InvaIIdaIe Ihe marrIage conIracI.
Some MaIIkI schoIars saId IhaI II Ihey are caughI beIore Ihe consummaIIon oI Ihe
marrIage, Ihen Ihey are separaIed Irom each oIher, buI II Ihey are caughI aIIer Ihe
consummaIIon, Ihen Ihey IeI Ihe marrIage be.

OIIerIng one's sIsIers Io a rIghIeous person Ior marrIage:
BukharI has a chapIer on IhIs. WhaI Is Ihe prooI Ior IhIs7 Umar (radhI AIIahu 'anhu)
oIIered hIs daughIer Io Abu Bakr and UIhman.

Can a sIsIer propose marrIage7 The vasI majorIIy oI MusIIm schoIars saId IhaI women
cannoI propose, and II was onIy Ior Ihe PropheI (saI AIIahu aIayhI wa saIIam). The
engagemenI Is when a man proposes Io a woman and noI when Ihe woman proposes.
WhaI II a woman pIaces an ad on Ihe InIerneI7 ThIs Is aIIowed because you are noI
oIIerIng Io a specIIIc IndIvIduaI. One oI Ihe companIons was In Ihe IIme oI marrIage,
and she puI kohI and dressed, and when Ihe PropheI (saI AIIahu aIayhI wa saIIam) asked
why she was doIng IhIs, he was IoId IhaI II was because she wanIed Io geI marrIed and
was sayIng IhaI she was IookIng Ior proposaIs.

The dIIIerences beIween engagemenI and marrIage:
28

MarrIage Is based on conIracI, and engagemenI Is a promIse. BreakIng Ihe engagemenI
has no consequence, buI breakIng Ihe marrIage has consequences (I.e. IInancIaI, waIIIng
perIod). MarrIage Is a IuII commIImenI. Your IIancee wIII noI InherII you, buI your
spouse wIII. Your IIancee Is noI maharam Io you. LngagemenI does noI have a spoken
Iorm or scrIpI, buI marrIage does. LngagemenI does noI have InIegraIs, pIIIars, or
condIIIons, buI marrIage does. When you marry someone, II you dIvorce her Ihree
IImes, Ihen you cannoI marry her unIII she marrIes anoIher. LngagemenI can happen
many IImes. When you are marrIed, you wIII be IreaIed dIIIerenIIy II you commII
aduIIery.

Q&A
II a woman was noI prevIousIy marrIed and Iorced InIo a marrIage, Ihen Ihe conIracI Is
vaIId, buI she has every rIghI Io break II. II a woman was prevIousIy marrIed and Ihen
Iorced InIo a marrIage, Ihen Ihe conIracI Is InvaIId.

In order Io IaIk Io your IamIIy abouI marrIage, you have Io buIId conIIdence. II you have
been messIng up aII oI your IIIe and aII oI a sudden wanI Io geI marrIed, Ihey have no
conIIdence In you. You have Io earn II.

To Ihe youIh:
How Io IeII Ihem
Be prepared Ior quesIIons
The sIages oI parenIs
The IsIamIc perspecIIve on Iove and happIness
The case Ior your cuIIure
CompromIse. UndersIand where Ihey are comIng Irom.

To Ihe parenIs:
How Io IIsIen
ImporIanI quesIIons Io ask
The sIages oI youIh.
The IsIamIc perspecIIve on IamIIy and IIIe
The case Ior IhIs envIronmenI
CommunIcaIIon. ThIs musI be based on common IhIngs.

Looking aI Ihe ProspecIive Bride

Is II recommended Io Iook aI Ihe prospecIIve brIde or groom7

The PropheI (saI AIIahu aIayhI wa saIIam) saId, "II one oI you proposes Io a woman and
he can see whaI wouId encourage hIm Io marry her, Ihen he shouId do so." |Abu
Dawood]

You are aIIowed Io Iook aI Ihe woman you are proposIng Io. ProoI: "NoI IawIuI Io you
|O Muhammad] are |any addIIIonaI] women aIIer |IhIs], nor |Is II] Ior you Io exchange
Ihem Ior |oIher] wIves, even II IheIr beauIy were Io pIease you, excepI whaI your rIghI
hand possesses and ever Is AIIah, over aII IhIngs, an Observer." |33:S2]

How does IhIs verse show IhaI II Is permIssIbIe Io Iook aI your perspecIIve brIde7
".even II IheIr beauIy were Io pIease you."

DaraquInI and BayhaqI reporI: The PropheI (saI AIIahu aIayhI wa saIIam) saId, "Co and
Iook aI her, Ior II Is more IIkeIy Io esIabIIsh Iove beIween boIh oI you."

29

SahIh MusIIm: A man Irom Makkah saId he proposed Io a woman Irom Ihe ansar. The
PropheI (saI AIIahu aIayhI wa saIIam) IoId hIm Io go and Iook aI her because Ihe eyes oI
Ihe ansar are dIIIerenI. Imam NawawI saId IhaI IhIs means IhaI many women oI Ihe
ansar had bIue eyes, and Ihe women oI Makkah had brown eyes.

II Is reporIed In an auIhenIIc narraIIon IhaI Ihe PropheI (saI AIIahu aIayhI wa saIIam)
IoId |aabIr Io go and Iook aI a woman, and he saId IhaI he Iooked aI her Irom a posIIIon
IhaI she couId noI see hIm, and he saw Irom her whaI made hIm wanI Io commII Io her,
and he proposed Io her.

AI TahawI, a greaI HanaII schoIar, menIIoned In hIs book IhaI some schoIars say II Is noI
aIIowed because Ihe woman Is noI reIaIed, buI IhIs Is a :IndI opInIon (weak opInIon). II
Is conIradIcIIng a cIear IexI Irom Ihe Quran and Sunnah; IhereIore, IhIs opInIon Is
dropped. ThIs opInIon Is noI based on IexI buI on IogIc.

CondIIIons IhaI musI be meI In order Io Iook:
The Iook cannoI be done ouI oI IusI or desIre. The ShaII'ee schoIars and HanaII
schoIars dIsagree because II Is ImpossIbIe Io conIroI IhIs In Ihe hearI.
ThaI he beIIeves Ihere Is a reasonabIy hIgh probabIIIIy IhaI Ihey may marry each
oIher.
ThaI he,she shouId be upon hIs,her naIuraI appearance. The woman has every
rIghI Io Iook aI Ihe man aIso. II Ihe makeup wIII change someIhIng major In
your Iook, Ihen II Is noI aIIowed (I.e. a scar, coIor conIacIs). II Is aIIowed Io wear
IIpsIIck and kohI.
ThaI II cannoI Iake pIace In a prIvaIe or secIuded pIace. II Ihere Is a converI or
someone who Is oIder and does noI IIve wIIh her IamIIy, and she has a proposaI,
Ihen she shouId see IhIs person In a pubIIc pIace. They shouId noI be aIone. II
someone IIves wIIh her IamIIy and meeIs a guy wIIhouI a IamIIy member
presenI, Ihen IhIs Is IorbIdden because II Is Ihe rIghI oI Ihe waII and parenIs Io
know.

Can a person see Ihe prospecIIve brIde or groom more Ihan once7 Yes, unIII Ihe
need Is IuIIIIIed.

How much oI a woman Is one aIIowed Io see In order Io make hIs decIsIon7 There Is
a dIIIerence oI opInIon. The vasI majorIIy oI schoIars as Ibn Hajar saId Ihe woman
Is onIy aIIowed Io show her Iace and her hands. The evIdence: ThIs woman Is noI
reIaIed Io hIm, and hIjab Is an obIIgaIIon on her. II IhIs Is Ihe case, Ihen why do we
aIIow Ihe person Io Iook aI Ihe woman7 Hand and Iace are enough Io IeII you abouI
her beauIy and judge her beauIy. The hand represenIs Ihe skIn oI Ihe body. The
Iace shows Ihe beauIy oI Ihe woman. "NecessIIIes aIIow you Io break Ihe ruIes
based on IhaI necessIIy."

Imam AI Awza'I and Imam Ahmad say IhaI he Is aIIowed Io see more Ihan Ihe Iace
and Ihe hand. He can see her arm, Iegs, neck, haIr (whaI Is commonIy proper dress).
ProoI: The PropheI (saI AIIahu aIayhI wa saIIam) dId noI specIIy whaI you are
aIIowed Io see and noI. |aabIr wenI Io Iook aI Ihe woman In her house and she was
noI coverIng her haIr In her house. AIso, Ihe PropheI (saI AIIahu aIayhI wa saIIam)
saId Io Iook aI Ihe woman Io be aIIracIed Io her, and Ihey dId noI agree IhaI you can
see Ihe beauIy Irom Ihe hands and Iace, and women Iook dIIIerenI wIIhouI Ihe hIjab.
AIso, Ihey saId: IhIs Is Ihe sIIuaIIon oI whaI she wIII mosI IIkeIy Iook IIke aI home,
and you geI Io know exacIIy whaI you are geIIIng InIo.

!0

There Is an opInIon oI Ibn Hazm and one narraIIon Irom Imam Ahmad: he Is
aIIowed Io see her nude wIIh no cIoIhes on. WhaI Ibn Hazm and Imam Ahmad were
sayIng Is: her permIssIon Is noI requIred, so you may Iook aI her In any posIIIon,
and she may show any parI oI her body, meanIng she may be IIIIIng her cIoIhes
when he Is IookIng aI her, so Ihe eyes may IaII on any parI oI her body, and Ihe man
Is noI sInIuI In IhIs case because he Is noI InIendIng Io see her In IhIs way buI II may
happen. |They were oI Ihe opInIon IhaI her permIssIon Is noI requIred Ior Ihe man
Io Iook aI her].

The sIrongesI opInIon: beIween Ihe IIrsI Iwo (Iace and hand , Ihe way she Iooks aI
home). The gIrI shouId onIy show her haIr In IronI oI Ihe person she Is serIousIy
consIderIng as a proposaI. ThIs Is Ihe opInIon oI Imam ShaII'ee, Imam MaaIIk, Imam
Ahmad.

|NoIe: One opInIon Is when Ihree madhabs agree on an opInIon, Ihen II can be saId
'vasI majorIIy']

Is her permIssIon requIred7 The vasI majorIIy oI MusIIm jurIsIs saId no. The
HanbaIIs saId II Is beIIer noI Io IeI her know. Why7 Because you mIghI break Ihe
gIrI's hearI or Ihe guy's hearI. They based IhIs opInIon on evIdence. The PropheI
(saI AIIahu aIayhI wa saIIam) IoId |aabIr Io go and Iook aI Ihe woman and dId noI IeII
hIm Io have her permIssIon. |aabIr saId IhaI he hId In a pIace and he saw her Irom a
posIIIon where she couId noI see hIm.

Is II permIssIbIe Io exchange phoIos vIa Ihe InIerneI or Ihrough webcam7 Don'I do
IhIs. Do noI send your pIcIure Io a guy. II Is haram. There Is a very smaII area
where IhIs Is aIIowed - Ihe guy IIves In anoIher pIace and a pIcIure Is shown Io hIm
and Ihen Iaken back.

IIrsI ImpressIons

The IIrsI ImpressIon Is very ImporIanI Ior anyIhIng. Take Ihe IIme Io IhInk abouI
how you can make a good IIrsI ImpressIon. In generaI, II Is very ImporIanI Io be
aware oI IIrsI ImpressIons.

CoId person, knowIedgeabIe, crIIIcaI, pracIIcaI, and deIermIned: how do you IeeI
abouI IhIs person7 Are you excIIed7 No.
Warm person, knowIedgeabIe, crIIIcaI, pracIIcaI, and deIermIned

Human beIngs sIarI IIIIerIng based on Ihe IIrsI descrIpIIon or Ihe IIrsI InIormaIIon.
Make sure you sIarI wIIh a very posIIIve word. Ior exampIe, II Is a bad IIrsI
ImpressIon Io say 'I don'I know whaI Io say.' II Is a good ImpressIon Io say, 'I am so
happy Io be here.' Make sure Io choose your words very careIuIIy.

Your gesIures aIso gIve a IIrsI ImpressIon. SmIIIng gIves a good IIrsI ImpressIon.
The besI IIrsI ImpressIon you can make Is Io smIIe. SmIIIng means Ihe IoIIowIng:
you are conIIdenI, you are happy, you are comIorIabIe, and accepIance. II Is an
uncomIorIabIe sIIuaIIon Io meeI someone Ior marrIage. AccepIance Is Ihe mosI
ImporIanI meanIng oI smIIIng. Dogs are so aIIracIIve Io peopIe because as soon as
Ihey meeI peopIe, Ihey wag IheIr IaII, whIch Is a sIgn oI accepIance. SmIIIng sends
Iour messages: happy, conIIdenI, accepIance, comIorIabIe. Remember IhIs when
you wanI Io make an ouIsIandIng IIrsI ImpressIon.

!1

NoI everyone can make a good ImpressIon. WhaI II you mess II up7 There Is aIways
a chance Io go back. There Is an InIeresIIng IechnIque on how Io make anoIher IIrsI
ImpressIon very good. Don'I Iry Io hIde whaI you have done, buI sImpIy Iry Io say,
"I'm embarrassed , I don'I know how IhIs happened." When you do IhIs, peopIe IeeI
IhaI you are human, and humans are meanI Io make mIsIakes. When you do IhIs,
Ihen you are ready Io make anoIher good ImpressIon. Do noI Iry Io be arroganI or
deny on II.

LxpecIaIIons seI us up Ior resenImenI. When someone has hIgh expecIaIIons, Ihen
Ihey are seIIIng up Ihe bar very hIgh and are noI wIIIIng Io accepI Ihe oIher person
Ihe way Ihey are. Be paIIenI unIII Ihey are conIIdenI wIIh you and accepI you.

Love aI IIrsI sIghI Is noI aIways rIghI. In SahIh MusIIm: The PropheI (saI AIIahu
aIayhI wa saIIam) saId IhaI when you meeI some peopIe, you IeeI ImmedIaIeIy
connecIed Io IhaI person, and when you meeI oIher peopIe, you IeeI a bad vIbe.
SouIs someIImes when Ihey meeI IeeI connecIed IogeIher, and when some souIs
meeI, Ihey dIsconnecI Irom one anoIher and do noI IeeI comIorIabIe around one
anoIher. Our souIs exIsIed beIore our bodIes, and we do noI know whaI Ihese souIs
dId prIor Io our exIsIence, buI Ihey were creaIed aI Ihe IIme oI Adam (aIayhI saIaam).
SouIs have a IoI Io do wIIh our emoIIons and IeeIIngs.

The PropheI (saI AIIahu aIayhI wa saIIam) saId, "SouIs are IIke soIdIers. When a souI
meeIs IIs maIe, II Is naIuraIIy aIIracIed Io II and oIher IImes II meeIs IhaI whIch
repeIs II." |MusIIm]

MeeIing Your luIure Spouse

MusI be In Ihe presence oI her mahram. The PropheI (saI AIIahu aIayhI wa saIIam) saId,
"A man and woman shouId noI be aIone unIess II Is In Ihe presence oI her mahram."
|BukharI and MusIIm]

The meeIIng can be repeaIed II necessary.

MeeIIng In a pubIIc pIace wIIhouI Ihe maharam Is noI permIssIbIe unIess II Is by
necessIIy or need. Ior exampIe, II Ihere Is a sIsIer who has no one who can come wIIh
her, Ihen meeIIng In a pubIIc pIace Is aIIowed as Iong as Ihere Is no evII or sexuaI IaIk,
and II Is IImIIed Ior Ihe purpose oI marrIage.

II Is noI permIssIbIe Io Iouch such a woman.

The ruIIng regardIng prIvaIe conversaIIons vIa phone, InIerneI, IexIIng, eIc. ThIs Issue
can Iead Io many unexpecIed IhIngs and make your hearI aIIached Io Ihe person. There
Is aIways a chance IhaI you wIII noI marry Ihe person, whIch Is Ihe worsI parI because oI
Ihe IIme InvesIed.

Keys Io magneIIc IIkeabIIIIy
Be aIIenIIve Io oIhers and never sIop IIsIenIng
CompIImenI peopIe who deserve II
Make yourseII avaIIabIe and approachabIe
Speak cIearIy so peopIe can undersIand you
Never Iry Io be someone you are noI
Be naIuraI
Be cIean

!2

TechnIque Ior meeIIng IuIure parenIInIaw: have a IIrm handshake.
Do noI ever IIe. Be who you are.

Body Ianguage Io avoId
TouchIng Ihe Iace , mouIh: IhIs means IyIng
NarrowIng Ihe eyes: means IhaI you do noI IIke Ihe oIher person
LookIng down: IhIs can mean you are arroganI
SIandIng cIose Io Ihe oIher person: IhIs IrrIIaIes oIher peopIe, (Ieave 4 II
2
)
LeanIng away: IhIs means IhaI you are noI comIorIabIe
Hands behInd Ihe head, hands In Ihe pockeI: careIess
CrossIng Ihe arms: deIensIve
ScraIchIng Ihe back: bored, noI payIng aIIenIIon
TouchIng Ihe coIIar: uncomIorIabIe
SIIIIng on Ihe edge oI Ihe chaIr: II means you are ready Io go

When someone goes Io meeI Ihe IuIure spouse, wIII s,he be nervous7 Yes. How can you
appear caIm7 SmIIIng wIII puI you aI ease. Many sIudIes Irom Ihe oId days IndIcaIe IhaI
your mood aIIecIs your physIoIogy. Modern sIudIes say Ihe reverse IhaI your
physIoIogy wIII deIermIne your mood, and you can puI yourseII In Ihe mood IhaI you
wanI by Ihe way you appear. II you are sad, and you wanI Io break Ihe sadness, Ihen
smIIe. BreaIhIng Is an ImporIanI IechnIque Io make you caIm. One IechnIque: 4 In4
hoId4 ouI. RecenI sIudIes IeII us IhaI Ihose who suIIer Irom obsessIve compuIsIve
dIsorder or panIc aIIacks are heIped by Iowcarb dIeIs. DrInk a IoI oI waIer so IhaI you
are noI dehydraIed.

CIIIs durIng Ihe engagemenI perIod are permIssIbIe.
WhaI kInd oI gIII Is approprIaIe IhaI you can gIve aI IhIs IIme and whaI Is noI7

ApproprIaIe: IIowers, books, Quran CDs, LmanRush producIs, IImCards,
greeIIng cards (a IIghI card, maybe wIIh some humor), gIII baskeI
InapproprIaIe: cIoIhIng oI any Iype (especIaIIy noI IIngerIe), baIh producIs or
personaI care producIs, jeweIry, perIume, candIes, gag jokes even II she has a
sense oI humor

IbrahIm An Nakha'I saId IhaI II Is aIIowed Io gIve gIIIs Io Ihe gIrI.

Is Ihere such a IhIng as an engagemenI parIy In IsIam7 There Is noIhIng In Ihe SharI'ah,
buI II someone has accepIed and wanIs Io gIve a parIy, Ihen II Is IIne, buI do noI
pracIIce haram In Ihese parIIes and do noI wasIe money.

The EngagemenI Ring - is Ihere such a Ihing in lslam?

Shaykh Ibn UIhaymeen was asked abouI Ihe ruIIng on wearIng engagemenI rIngs. He
saId:
"The engagemenI rIng Is a kInd oI rIng, and Ihere Is noIhIng wrong wIIh rIngs In
prIncIpIe, unIess IhaI Is accompanIes by some beIIeI, as some peopIe do when Ihe
man wrIIes hIs name on Ihe rIng IhaI he gIves Io hIs IIancee, and she wrIIes her
name on Ihe rIng IhaI she gIves Io hIm, beIIevIng IhaI IhIs wIII creaIe sIrong bonds
beIween Ihe coupIe. In IhIs case, Ihe rIng Is haram because II Is an aIIachmenI Io
someIhIng Ior whIch Ihere Is no basIs In IsIam and whIch makes no sense. SImIIarIy,
wIIh regard Io Ihe engagemenI rIng, II Is noI permIssIbIe, Io Ihe man Io puI II on hIs
IIancee's hand, because she Is noI hIs wIIe yeI and she Is sIIII a sIranger (non
maharam) Io hIm, because she Is noI hIs wIIe unIII aIIer Ihe marrIage conIracI has
been done."
!!

Shaykh 'AIIyyah Saqr, Iormer head oI AI Azhar IaIwa CommIIIee Issued IhIs IaIwa
regardIng IhIs Issue:
"The engagemenI rIng or weddIng rIng has a hIsIory oI Ihousands oI years oId.
Some peopIe cIaIm IhaI Ihe Pharaohs were Ihe IIrsI Io InvenI II Iong beIore Ihe
Creeks had any noIIon oI II. OIhers say IhaI II sIems Irom an oId cusIom sIIII
upheId by peopIe. By IhIs, Ihey are reIerrIng Io IyIng Ihe brIde and brIdegroom
IogeIher wIIh chaIns and makIng hIm rIde a horse whIIe draggIng behInd hIs brIde
behInd hIm Io Ihe marIIaI home, whIch mIghI be a dIsIance oI Iwo houses. LaIer, II
became popuIar Io wear a rIng InsIead oI beIng IIed wIIh chaIns. WearIng an
engagemenI rIng on Ihe IeII IInger Is reIaIed Io an oId cusIom oI Ihe Creeks who
beIIeved IhaI Ihe cIrcuIaIIon oI bIood by Ihe aorIa Is done Ihrough IhIs area. II
became apparenI IaIer IhaI Ihe BrIIIsh were aIso Iond oI wearIng engagemenI rIngs;
In IacI, Ihey regarded Ihe habII as pureIy ChrIsIIan. MusIIms adopIed Ihe Idea oI
wearIng Ihe engagemenI rIng wIIhouI any obvIous reason, and some consIder
removIng II as a bad omen. ThIs has no basIs In IsIam. WearIng an engagemenI or
weddIng rIng Is noI consIdered unIawIuI In Ihe IsIamIc perspecIIve, as Ihere Is no
reIIgIous IexI IhaI deIermInes IhIs. II Is aIso no consIdered as a Iorm oI ImIIaIIng
unbeIIevers. We know In any case IhaI such ImIIaIIon Is IorbIdden, especIaIIy on
someIhIng conIravenIng Ihe IeachIngs oI IsIam. II Ihe rIng Is sIIver, Ihere Is noIhIng
wrong In boIh men and women wearIng II. BuI II Ihe rIng Is made oI goId, women
can wear II whIIe men cannoI. AI TIrmIdhI reIaIes Ihrough Ihe auIhenIIc chaIn oI
narraIIon IhaI Ihe PropheI (saI AIIahu aIayhI wa saIIam) saId, "WearIng goId Is
IorbIdden Ior maIe MusIIms, buI II Is aIIowed Ior IemaIe MusIIms." AccordIng Io Ihe
hadeeIh narraIed by MusIIm, Ihe PropheI (saI AIIahu aIayhI wa saIIam) Iorbade men
Irom wearIng goId rIngs. II Is aIso narraIed IhaI when Ihe PropheI (saI AIIahu aIayhI
wa saIIam) saw a man wearIng a goId rIng, he ImmedIaIeIy removed II Irom Ihe
man's hand and Ihrew II away. He Ihen saId, "WearIng II (a goId rIng) Is IIke
wrappIng one's hand wIIh IIre brand." More InIormaIIon on IhIs subjecI can be
Iound In my book enIIIIed Mn\:u'nt A U:nI TnItn I'n)nt A I:nn, voIume 1

10 TopIcs you shouId dIscuss beIore you geI marrIed:
1. ReIIgIon
Where wouId you Iurn Io II probIems arIse In Ihe marrIage7
Do you pray Iajr7
Do you pray jumu'ah In Ihe masjId7
WhIch masjId do you go Io7
Do you voIunIeer wIIh any IsIamIc organIzaIIon7
Do you IasI reguIarIy7
Are you open Io goIng Io Ihe masjId wIIh me II we geI marrIed7
WhaI kInd oI reIIgIous books do you read7 |ThIs heIps Io IdenIIIy Ihe
person's IdeoIogy]
WhIch shuyookh do you IIsIen Io7 |HeIps you Io undersIand Ihe menIaIIIy
and IdeoIogy oI Ihe person]
Do you beIong Io any secI , group , have any IdeoIogy you IoIIow7
WhaI does beIng reIIgIous mean Io you7 |You can undersIand Ihe menIaIIIy
oI Ihe person]
WhaI Is your posIIIon on acIIvIsIs In Ihe communIIy7

2. ChIIdren
WhaI kInd oI educaIIon do you wanI Ior your chIIdren7
How many chIIdren do you wanI7
WhaI do you IhInk your roIe wIII be wIIh your chIIdren7
Do you spend any IIme wIIh kIds In youIh programs7
WhaI do you wanI your kIds Io be when Ihey grow up7
!4

How wouId you dIscIpIIne your chIIdren7
WhaI makes your chIIdren successIuI7
How soon do you wanI Io have chIIdren7

3. IInances , Money MaIIers
WhaI kInd oI IIIesIyIe do you wanI Io IIve7
How much money do you spend on havIng Iun7
WhaI Is your Income7
WhaI kInd oI IInancIaI pIan do you have7
Are you In debI7 How much Is Ihe debI7
WhaI kInd oI busIness do you have7 Who are your busIness parIners7
How comIorIabIe are you Io work IogeIher on Ihe IInancIaI Issue7
Ask Ihe gIrI II she IeeIs comIorIabIe handIIng some parIs oI Ihe IInances (I.e.
payIng bIIIs)7
How do you IeeI abouI charIIy7
How do you budgeI your money7 Do you have a reIIremenI pIan7
How do you IeeI abouI sharIng money7
Do you have any oIher IInancIaI responsIbIIIIIes7

4. LmpIoymenI
Do you wanI Io work7
WhaI Iype oI work do you do7 WhaI Is your IIIIe7
Do you IraveI Ior work7
Do you Iove your job7
How Iong have you been workIng In IhIs area7
How much vacaIIon do you have7
How do you baIance beIween home and work7

S. LducaIIon
WhaI Iype oI educaIIon do you have7
Are you seekIng more degrees7
When you wIII be done wIIh your educaIIon7
Do you mInd II I conIInue my educaIIon7
WhaI IIeIds do you IIke7
Do you have any reIIgIous educaIIon7 Do you Iake any cIasses7
How weII dId you do In schooI7

6. The IuIure
Where do you see yourseII In IIve years7
WIII you have Io Iake care oI your parenIs , IIve wIIh your parenIs7
Are you wIIIIng Io reIocaIe7
Are you pIannIng Io marry a second wIIe7
How do you see yourseII changIng In Ihe IuIure7
How do you see me In Ihe IuIure7

7. The PasI
Have you been marrIed beIore7
Have you been engaged beIore7
Do you have a crImInaI record7
Do you have any chIIdren7
DId you do anyIhIng In Ihe pasI IhaI wIII come In Ihe IuIure and cause
probIems In our reIaIIonshIp7

!

II Ihere Is anyIhIng IhaI happened In Ihe pasI, and you have repenIed Irom II
and do noI IhInk IhaI II wIII come In Ihe IuIure, Ihen do noI IaIk abouI II.

8. HabIIs and HobbIes
WhaI Is your maIn hobby7
WhaI do you do wIIh your Iree IIme7
Are you okay wIIh such and such hobby7 LxampIe where II couId be a
probIem: one person enjoys ouIdoor acIIvIIIes (hIkIng, campIng, raIIIng) and
wanIs hIs,her spouse Io do Ihese acIIvIIIes IogeIher and Ihe oIher person
does noI IIke Ihese IhIngs. There wIII be a cIash IaIer on.
Do you IraveI7
Do you Iove IeIevIsIon7
WhaI wouId you do II our hobbIes do noI maIch7
Do you IIke peIs7

9. HeaIIh
Do you Iake care oI your heaIIh7
Do you mInd II I exercIse and work ouI7
Do you have any medIcaI condIIIons7
Do you smoke7
WhaI Is your dIeI7
Do you Iake any medIcaIIon Ior depressIon or psychoIogIcaI probIems7
WouId you Iake a medIcaI exam beIore geIIIng marrIed7

10. IamIIy
WhaI Is your Idea oI IamIIy7
WhaI Is your reIaIIonshIp wIIh your parenIs7
How does your IamIIy make decIsIons7
Do you wanI Io IIve cIose Io your IamIIy7
WhaI do you see your IamIIy roIe beIng In our IIIe7
WhaI do you IhInk oI my IamIIy7
WhaI kInd oI IamIIy do you come Irom7
WhaI Is your IamIIy IIke7 WhaI are your parenIs IIke7
WIII you IIve wIIh your IamIIy aIIer marrIage or separaIe7 How Iong7

Red IIags
ConIroIIIng behavIor
UnIounded jeaIousy
VoIaIIIe Iemper
ConsIanI crIIIcIsm
SubsIance abuse
UsIng physIcaI Iorce Io soIve probIems
LyIng
Arrogance
Bad IrIends
MIssIng Ihe saIah
No hayaa
No respecI Ior your IamIIy
SIIngIness
AvoIdIng serIous dIscussIons
Too many personaI boundarIes or probIems
Rudeness
Scary dIvorce sIorIes
Someone who does noI IIke chIIdren
!6

DIrIy cIoIhIng
"The anger hum"

"He,she wIII change"
Many oI us see red IIags In Ihe person and IhInk IhaI Ihe oIher person wIII change. They
see a cIear sIgn IhaI someIhIng Is wrong, buI Ihey make Ihe assumpIIon IhaI Ihe person
wIII change. PeopIe do noI change, buI Ihey adjusI. There Is no one perIecI. Change Is
very rare. II you see a red IIag, Ihen do noI IhInk IhaI she wIII change. There are cerIaIn
IhIngs In peopIe IhaI usuaIIy do noI change.

Breaking Ihe EngagemenI

BreakIng Ihe engagemenI Is rejecIIng Ihe oIIer aIIer II has been accepIed by one or boIh
parIIes. Make sure IhaI IhIs message goes Io Ihe person because II Is noI rIghI Io keep
Ihe oIher person hangIng. II you wanI Io Iake your IIme Io IhInk, Ihen IeI Ihem know.

II Is noI recommended Io break Ihe engagemenI aIIer Ihe person has shown accepIance
because II Is consIdered breakIng a promIse. RejecIIng Ihe proposaI aIIer accepIIng Ior
no vaIId reason Is IIke breakIng a promIse, and II Is a sIn. II Ihere Is a vaIId reason, Ihen
II Is aIIowed Io break Ihe engagemenI.

The Consequences oI BreakIng Ihe LngagemenI
There are Iwo consequences:
1) MaIerIaI consequence
The ruIIng regardIng any money or gIII: There are Iwo Iypes - II II Is someIhIng
IhaI has been consumed, Ihen you cannoI ask Ior II. The oIher Iype Is someIhIng
maIerIaIIsIIc IhaI Is sIIII In IheIr possessIon such as a car, rIng, money. You have
Ihe rIghI Io cIaIm IhIs back or noI. SchoIars dIIIered.

Some schoIars saId IhaI you cannoI ask Ior any gIII back aI aII. ProoI - Because
II Is a gIII. The PropheI (saI AIIahu aIayhI wa saIIam) saId, "The one who gIves
gIIIs and asks Ior II back Is IIke Ihe dog who Ihrows up and eaIs agaIn whaI II
jusI Ihrew up."

AnoIher group oI schoIars saId IhaI aII gIIIs musI be reIurned because Ihese
gIIIs are onIy gIven wIIh Ihe InIenIIon oI marrIage, and II Ihe InIenIIon oI
marrIage Is no Ionger Ihere, Ihen Ihe gIIIs shouId go back Io Ihe person.

Some MaIIkI schoIars Iook a moderaIe opInIon and saId: II Ihe one who breaks
Ihe engagemenI Is Ihe man, Ihen he shouId noI Iake hIs gIII back because he wIII
noI break her hearI IwIce by breakIng Ihe engagemenI and IakIng Ihe gIII. II Ihe
one who breaks Ihe engagemenI Is Ihe gIrI, Ihen In IhIs case hIs gIII has Io be
gIven back Io hIm so IhaI hIs hearI Is noI broken IwIce.

2) LmoIIonaI consequences
I. II Is very dIIIIcuII Ior peopIe II Ihey sIncereIy wanI Io geI marrIed and II does
noI work ouI. Know IhaI AIIah has chosen Ior you Ihe besI and have IrusI In
AIIah (subhanahu waIa'aIa) because we beIIeve IhaI AIIah onIy chooses Ior us
whaI Is Ihe besI Ior us. AIways have IrusI In AIIah (subhanahu waIa'aIa). II II
does noI work ouI, Ihen know IhaI Ihere Is wIsdom behInd II and AIIah has
prepared Ior you someIhIng eIse.
"I wIII be exacIIy Io My servanI Ihe way he expecIs Me." II you expecI IhaI AIIah
has Iurned you down Irom IhIs Ior no reason, Ihen IhIs Is whaI you wIII geI. II
you know IhaI AIIah InIends good Ior you, Ihen IhIs wIII happen.
!


II. Be aware oI makIng Iun oI someone In a sIIuaIIon IIke IhIs. ThIs Is a very
dIsIurbIng momenI In someone's IIIe, and Io joke abouI II Is Improper and bad
manners and noI aIIowed. ThIs Is haram.

III. Many peopIe sIarI badmouIhIng and seekIng revenge aIIer breakIng Ihe
engagemenI. ThIs Is haram and noI aIIowed. Revenge Is IIs own punIshmenI,
and IorgIveness Is IIs own reward.

Iv. II you break Ihe engagemenI, Iearn a Iesson Irom why II was broken. AnaIyze
II and have a posIIIve reacIIon.

v. Lnd Ihe reIaIIonshIp ImmedIaIeIy. Move on.

Be careIuI Irom accepIIng or makIng 'Ihe rebound proposaI.' AIso, one has Io geI rId oI
any phoIos, emaII, cards, eIc. IhaI Ihey may have sIored oI Ihe exIIancee. Be sure Io
come Io Ierms wIIh Ihe dIssoIuIIon and Io have emoIIonaI cIosure.

AssumpIIons
"She's Ihe onIy one." "I'II never IInd anoIher one IIke hIm."
ThIs Is anoIher assumpIIon IhaI needs Io be rechecked. TheoreIIcaIIy you know IhIs Is
wrong, buI emoIIonaIIy you cannoI admII II. When shouId you say 's,he Is Ihe onIy
one'7 AIIer you geI marrIed. II you say IhaI, Ihen II means IhaI a IIne has been crossed
and someIhIng InapproprIaIe may have been done. The One who creaIed hIm,her
creaIed hundreds IIke hIm.

Marriage

LInguIsIIc deIInIIIon: Ihe word nnI ImpIIes boIh Ihe marrIage conIracI and Ihe sexuaI
InIercourse wIIh one's wIIe.

|When sIudyIng IIqh, II Is ImporIanI Io undersIand Ihe deIInIIIons because II wIII heIp
you undersIand Ihe enIIre concepI.]

TechnIcaI deIInIIIon: a conIracI oI muIuaI agreemenI beIween man and woman IhaI
aIIows Ihem Io enjoy each oIher (In Ihe manner aIIowed by Ihe SharI'ah) and buIId a
IamIIy.

The key word In Ihe deIInIIIon Is 'conIracI.' The naIure oI Ihe reIaIIonshIp beIween Ihe
husband and wIIe Is a conIracI.
CommIImenI Is noI a oneIIme evenI; II Is an ongoIng process.

The ruIIng concernIng marrIage:
MarrIage In IsIam Is nd n))nI, whIch means IhaI II Is obIIgaIory on some IndIvIduaIs
In Ihe communIIy and hIghIy recommended Ior Ihe resI. II Ihe enIIre communIIy
abandons II, Ihen II means Ihe enIIre MusIIm communIIy wIII come Io an end. The
generaI ruIe: II Is hIghIy recommended Io geI marrIed.

1. Ibn Hazm saId: MarrIage Is obIIgaIory on everyone. The prooIs:
I) "And marry Ihe unmarrIed among you and Ihe rIghIeous among your maIe
sIaves and IemaIe sIaves. II Ihey shouId be poor, AIIah wIII enrIch Ihem Irom
HIs BounIy, and AIIah Is AII LncompassIng and KnowIng." |24:32],
II) "Marry whomever you wIsh, Iwo, or Ihree, or Iour."
!8

III) The PropheI (saI AIIahu aIayhI wa saIIam) saId, "O young men, whoever oI
you has Ihe abIIIIy musI wed." |BukharI and MusIIm]
Any order In Ihe Quran and Sunnah Is obIIgaIory, and Ibn Hazm saId IhaI Ihese
are cIear orders In Ihe Quran. ThereIore, II you are capabIe oI geIIIng marrIed,
Ihen you are sInIuI Ior each day you are noI marrIed.

2. OIher schoIars dIsagreed wIIh Ibn Hazm and saId IhaI Ior every verse he used as
prooI, AIIah (subhanahu waIa'aIa) saId Io marry whomever you wIsh, and any
order IhaI Is reIaIed Io personaI choIce Is noI an obIIgaIIon and onIy
recommended. TheIr reIuIaIIon oI hIs use oI Ihe hadeeIh: no one says IhaI
IasIIng Is an obIIgaIIon; IhereIore, Io say IhaI marrIage Is an obIIgaIIon Is a
conIradIcIIon. AIso, Ihe PropheI (saI AIIahu aIayhI wa saIIam) saId IhaI you
shouId Iake Ihe opInIon oI a vIrgIn gIrI (woman who Is young and noI prevIousIy
marrIed); IhereIore, II marrIage was an obIIgaIIon, Ihen she shouId noI have Ihe
choIce. Lven II Ihe man Is quaIIIIed, she aIways has Ihe choIce Io say no;
IhereIore, II means IhaI II Is noI an obIIgaIIon Io marry. So many oI Ihe
companIons oI Ihe PropheI (saI AIIahu aIayhI wa saIIam) dId noI marry, and Ihe
PropheI (saI AIIahu aIayhI wa saIIam) dId noI IeII Ihem IhaI Ihey were sInIuI or
Iorce Ihem Io marry, buI he onIy recommended marrIage Io peopIe.

3. AnoIher group oI schoIars amongsI Ihe ShaII'ees saId IhaI marrIage Is IIke eaIIng
IruIIs. II Is noI an obIIgaIIon Io eaI IruII and noI recommended Io eaI IruII buI
permIssIbIe. II Is permIssIbIe Io geI marrIed. AIIah (subhanahu waIa'aIa) praIsed
Yahya (aIayhI saIaam) Ior beIng sIngIe.
ReIuIaIIon: ThIs group oI schoIars amongsI Ihe ShaII'ees were opposed by a
Iarge number oI schoIars because Ihe PropheI (saI AIIahu aIayhI wa saIIam)
encouraged us Io geI marrIed, and Ihey used Ihe same evIdences oI Ibn Hazm Io
say IhaI II Is recommended Io marry and noI jusI permIssIbIe because AIIah and
Ihe PropheI (saI AIIahu aIayhI wa saIIam) recommended us Io geI marrIed. AIso,
marryIng Is noI IIke eaIIng IruIIs because Ihe PropheI (saI AIIahu aIayhI wa
saIIam) saId IhaI II you have InIercourse wIIh your wIIe, you wIII be rewarded Ior
II, and you are noI rewarded Ior eaIIng IruIIs. The PropheI (saI AIIahu aIayhI wa
saIIam) saId II Is hIs sunnah Io geI marrIed.

4. Some schoIars saId IhaI one ruIe does noI III every sIIuaIIon, and In some cases
marrIage Is obIIgaIory, and In oIhers marrIage may be recommended,
permIssIbIe, dIsIIked, or haram.
MarrIage can be haram: someone who has Iour wIves, someone who has a
dIsease IhaI wIII kIII and Ihe woman cannoI be proIecIed wIIh II.
MarrIage can be dIsIIked: someone who Is abusIve.
MarrIage IhaI Is permIssIbIe: someone Is aIready marrIed and wanIs Io marry
agaIn, someone who does noI have a hIgh sexuaI drIve and has Io IInIsh hIs
educaIIon.
MarrIage IhaI Is recommended: someone who Is aIraId oI IIInah or someone who
has a hIgh sexuaI drIve.
MarrIage IhaI Is obIIgaIory: someone who Is doIng Ihe haram and aImosI IaIIIng
InIo Ihe haram.

In Ihe IareweII khuIbah, Ihe PropheI (saI AIIahu aIayhI wa saIIam) saId, "Iear AIIah
concernIng women! VerIIy you have Iaken Ihem on Ihe securIIy oI AIIah, and
InIercourse wIIh Ihem has been made IawIuI unIo you by words oI AIIah." |MusIIm]

!9

The ProhIbIIIon oI CasIraIIon: Sa'd Ibn AbI Waqqas reporIed IhaI Ihe PropheI (saI AIIahu
aIayhI wa saIIam) Iorbade UIhman Ibn Madh'oon Irom AI TabaIIuI (ceIIbacy), and had he
aIIowed hIm, we wouId have had ourseIves casIraIed." |BukharI and MusIIm]

"BuI IeI Ihem who IInd noI |Ihe means Ior] marrIage absIaIn |Irom sexuaI reIaIIons] unIII
AIIah enrIches Ihem Irom HIs bounIy. And Ihose who seek a conIracI |Ior evenIuaI
emancIpaIIon] Irom among whom you rIghI hands posses, Ihen make a conIracI wIIh
Ihem II you know Ihere Is wIIhIn Ihem goodness and gIve Ihem Irom Ihe weaIIh oI AIIah
whIch He has gIven you. And do noI compeI your sIave gIrIs InIo prosIIIuIIon II Ihey
desIre chasIIIy, Io seek |Ihereby] Ihe Iemporary InIeresIs oI worIdIy IIIe. And II
someone shouId compeI Ihem, Ihen Indeed, AIIah Is |Io Ihem] aIIer IheIr compuIsIon,
IorgIvIng and MercIIuI." |24:33]

Is II permIssIbIe Io use medIcInes Io reduce or eIImInaIe sexuaI desIres7 II Is IorbIdden
Ior someone Io casIraIe hImseII.

The lnIegrals ol Ihe Marriage ConIracI

CondIIIons are noI parI oI Ihe acI buI prIor Io Ihe acI oI worshIp.

The HanaII's OpInIon
OIIer and accepIance

The MaIakI's OpInIon
OIIer and accepIance, aI waII, brIde and groom, dowry

The ShaII'ee OpInIon
OIIer and accepIance, aI waII, brIde and groom, Iwo wIInesses
The condIIIons: wIInesses and Ihe waII and ensure IhaI Ihere Is consenI Irom boIh
parIIes.

The HanbaII OpInIon
OIIer and accepIance, brIde and groom.
The condIIIon: Ihe waII

AII Iour madhahIb agree on Ihe InIegraI oI Ihe oIIer and accepIance. Three oI Ihe
madhahIb agree upon Ihe brIde and group and Ihe waII. The HanabIIah consIder Ihe
waII a condIIIon.

The lirsI lnIegral: Oller and AccepIance (The Spoken lorm)

The vasI majorIIy oI MusIIm jurIsIs saId Ihe oIIer musI be Irom Ihe waII (sIsIer's sIde)
and Ihe husband musI accepI |onIy Ihe HanaIIs saId II shouId sIarI Irom Ihe man's sIde.]

Does II have Io be In cerIaIn words or Is anyIhIng accepIed7
HanaIIs and MaIIkIs saId IhaI any word whIch Is cIear by IIseII Io mean marrIage
Is accepIabIe. TheIr evIdences:
I. Surah AI Ahzab v. S0: AIIah does noI use Ihe word marrIage.
II. HadeeIh In BukharI: a man came Io Ihe PropheI (saI AIIahu aIayhI wa
saIIam) and saId he wanIed Io geI marrIed buI had noIhIng Io oIIer, and
Ihe PropheI (saI AIIahu aIayhI wa saIIam) saId, "I have gIven her Io your
own possessIon Ior whaI you have Irom Ihe Quran." ThIs wordIng was a
marrIage conIracI and Ihe words nIkkah and zawaj were noI used.
40

III. The conIracI can be done by any common Ianguage boIh parIIes
undersIand. II one oI Ihe parIIes does noI know Ihe meanIng oI Ihe
word, Ihen Ihe conIracI Is InvaIId, so as Iong as boIh parIIes know Ihe
words mean marrIage, II Is vaIId.
The ShaII'ee and Ihe HanbaIIs saId IhaI Ihe words Irom Ihe Quran musI be used:
nIkkah or zawaj, and wIIhouI Ihese words, Ihe conIracI Is InvaIId.
I. II musI be done In ArabIc II you undersIand ArabIc, buI II you do noI
know ArabIc, Ihen you can use oIher Ianguages, buI Ihe words used musI
equaI nIkkah and zawaj.

Does II have Io be In ArabIc7
HanaIIs and MaIIkIs: The conIracI can be done by any common Ianguage boIh
parIIes undersIand. II one oI Ihe parIIes does noI know Ihe meanIng oI Ihe
word, Ihen Ihe conIracI Is InvaIId, so as Iong as boIh parIIes know Ihe words
mean marrIage, II Is vaIId
HanbaIIs and ShaII'ees: II musI be done In ArabIc II you undersIand ArabIc, buI II
you do noI know ArabIc, Ihen you can use oIher Ianguages, buI Ihe words used
musI equaI nIkkah and zawaj.

Can II be done In sIgn Ianguage or In wrIIIng7
HanbaIIs and ShaII'ees: II Is noI aIIowed Io use sIgn Ianguage II you know how Io
IaIk

Can one parIy do II7
Does Ihe marrIage conIracI need Io be documenIed In courI7
A marrIage conIracI can be verbaIIy done. In recenI days, Ihe marrIage musI be
documenIed In paper so IhaI Ihere Is no dIspuIe In Ihe IuIure, whIch Is why II Is
documenIed In courI and In Ihe masjId. DocumenIIng In paper ensures rIghIs. The
marrIage Is vaIId wIIhouI documenIaIIon.

Does a marrIage conIracI need Io be done by a shaykh7
No, you do noI need a shaykh Io marry you Io your husband. However, Ihese days
peopIe are IgnoranI and do noI know Ihe ruIes oI SharI'ah and may do Ihe conIracI
wrong or say II In Ihe wrong way. The shaykh wIII ensure IhaI Ihe process Is correcI
even II he Is jusI waIchIng and noI parIIcIpaIIng In II.

WhaI InIormaIIon musI Ihe marrIage conIracI IncIude7
1. The name oI Ihe brIde and Ihe groom and Ihe IamIIy (IIneage)
2. II Ihe wIIe has been prevIousIy marrIed beIore or noI. II Ihe woman has been
dIvorced, Ihe conIracI musI IncIude Ihe daIe oI Ihe dIvorce because Ihere Is
an Iddah aIIer Ihe dIvorce.
3. The mahar and aII deIaIIs Io II such as II II wIII be gIven In advance or In
paymenIs.
4. The name oI Ihe wIInesses.
S. The daIe oI Ihe marrIage conIracI.
6. Any condIIIons Irom eIIher Ihe brIde or Ihe groom.
7. The name oI Ihe waII (hIs permIssIon). II Ihere Is a represenIaIIve Ior Ihe
waII (I.e. Ihe waII Is noI Ihere, and someone eIse Is Ihere Io represenI hIm,
and Ihe documenI IndIcaIes IhaI Ihe waII gave hIs permIssIon)
8. The age oI Ihe brIde and Ihe groom
Some marrIage conIracIs are very Iong.

ChargIng money Ior documenIaIIon
II Is IIne Io charge money because II Is IIke any conIracI.
41


CondIIIons oI Ihe spoken Iorm oI Ihe conIracI:
1) The oIIer and accepIance musI be done In one sIIIIng.
AIso, Ihere Is no Iong perIod oI waIIIng In beIween Ihe oIIer and accepIance. II
musI be done ImmedIaIeIy. AIso, don'I be IIIeraI: 'wIII you accepI my daughIer
|coughIng].' and Ihen sIarI over. A shorI break Is accepIabIe as Iong as Ihe
response Is ImmedIaIe.

II someone says 'I accepI InshAIIah', Iook aI whaI Ihe person means. II II Is done
seekIng Ihe bIessIngs Irom AIIah, Ihen II Is accepIabIe, buI II II Is done because
oI doubI, Ihen II Is noI accepIabIe.
II II Is saId ouI oI habII, Ihen II Is ok. II II Is done In a Iorm oI a doubI, Ihen Ihe
marrIage Is noI vaIId.
2) The accepIance musI correspond Io whaI Is beIng oIIered
3) The conIracI musI be a "done deaI" aI IhaI momenI

Can Ihe one makIng Ihe oIIer aIso make Ihe accepIance7 Ior exampIe: Ihe IaIher oI Ihe
boy Is aIso Ihe waII oI Ihe gIrI because he Is her grandIaIher and her parenIs are dead.
Ior exampIe: an orphan who has noI yeI reached Ihe age oI puberIy and Ihe judge
wanIs Io make hIs marrIage conIracI because hIs IaIher IeII hIm responsIbIe, and Ihe
judge Is aIso IookIng aIIer anoIher gIrI and Is her waII as weII. Ior exampIe: a converI
goes Io someone In Ihe communIIy and asks hIm Io be her waII, and IhIs man wanIs Io
marry her. The vasI majorIIy oI MusIIm schoIars say IhaI II Is accepIabIe wIIh Ihe
condIIIon IhaI Ihere are wIInesses over Ihe conIracI Io ensure IhaI no one's rIghIs were
Iaken away. The prooI Ior IhIs: Umm HakIm came Io AbdurRahman Ibn AwI and saId
IhaI severaI peopIe proposed Io her, and she asked hIm Io be her waII. AbdurRahman
Ibn AwI asked II she wouId gIve hIm Ihe auIhorIIy Io marry her Io Ihe besI person, Ihen
he IoId her Io marry hIm, and he marrIed her Io hImseII by hImseII. He dId IhIs In IronI
oI Ihe companIons, and none oI Ihe companIons have dIsagreed wIIh hIm. Based on
IhIs, we say IhaI II Is aIIowed. Ibn Qudama and Ibn Hajr menIIon IhIs narraIIon and
agree on II. Some Iuqaha puI Ihe condIIIon IhaI Ihere are wIInesses Io ensure IhaI no
rIghIs are Iaken away.

The Second lnIegral: Two ConIracIing ParIies (The Bride & Ihe Groom)

Who are Ihe ones you are noI aIIowed Io marry7
"And do noI marry Ihose |women] whom your IaIhers marrIed, excepI whaI has aIready
occurred. Indeed II was an ImmoraIIIy and haIeIuI |Io AIIah] and was evII as a way."
|4:22]

"ProhIbIIed Io you |Ior marrIage] are your moIhers, your daughIers, your sIsIers, your
IaIher's sIsIers, your moIher's sIsIers, your broIher's daughIers, your sIsIer's daughIers,
your |mIIk] moIhers who nursed you, your sIsIers Ihrough nursIng, your wIves' moIhers,
and your sIepdaughIers under your guardIanshIp |born] oI your wIves unIo whom you
have gone In. BuI II you have noI gone In unIo Ihem, Ihere Is no sIn upon you. And |aIso
prohIbIIed] are Ihe wIves oI your sons who are Irom your |own] IoIns, and IhaI you Iake
|In marrIage] Iwo sIsIers sImuIIaneousIy, excepI Ior whaI has aIready occurred. Indeed
AIIah Is ever IorgIvIng and MercIIuI." |4:23]

"And |aIso prohIbIIed Io you are aII] marrIed women excepI Ihose your rIghI hand
posses. |ThIs Is] Ihe decree oI AIIah upon you. And IawIuI Io you are |aII oIhers] beyond
Ihese, |provIded] IhaI you seek Ihem |In marrIage] wIIh |gIIIs Irom] your properIy,
desIrIng chasIIIy, noI unIawIuI sexuaI InIercourse. So Ior whaIever you enjoy |oI
marrIage] Irom Ihem, gIve Ihem IheIr due compensaIIon as an obIIgaIIon. And Ihere Is
42

no bIame on you Ior whaI you muIuaIIy agree Io beyond Ihe obIIgaIIon. Indeed, AIIah Is
Lver KnowIng and WIse." |4:24]

Those IhaI you are Iorever IorbIdden Io marry
Through bIood reIaIIon
Through marrIage reIaIIon
Through breasIIeedIng reIaIIon

BreasIIeedIng

The PropheI (saI AIIahu aIayhI wa saIIam) saId, "BreasIIeedIng makes IorbIdden whaI Is
IorbIdden Ihrough bIood reIaIIons." |MusIIm]

CondIIIons oI Ihe breasIIeedIng Ior II Io be eIIecIIve:
The chIId was breasIIed Ihe mInImum amounI oI mIIk. There Is a debaIe
amongsI Ihe schoIars as Io whaI Ihe mInImum amounI oI mIIk. There are IIve
dIIIerenI opInIons on IhIs condIIIon:
I. One suckIIng Is suIIIcIenI. ThIs Is Ihe opInIon oI AII Ibn AbI TaIIb,
AbduIIah Ibn Masood, AbduIIah Ibn Umar, AbduIIah Ibn Abbas, Sayeed
Ibn MusayyIb, Imam MaIIk, Imam Abu HanIIah.
The evIdence: AIIah saId In Ihe Quran, "The moIhers who breasIIed
you." AIIah dId noI say In Ihe Quran Ihe number oI IImes, and Ihe
PropheI (saI AIIahu aIayhI wa saIIam) saId, "BreasIIeedIng makes
IorbIdden." and dId noI specIIy Ihe number oI IImes. There Is a generaI
ruIe In SharI'ah IhaI when AIIah makes an order In Ihe Quran and Sunnah,
Ihen Io IuIIIII Ihe obIIgaIIon, you do Ihe mInImum amounI. ThereIore,
Ihe PropheI (saI AIIahu aIayhI wa saIIam) saId Io pray when you enIer Ihe
masjId beIore you sII, and Ihe mInImum number oI Ihe saIaI Is 2. The
mInImum amounI oI breasIIeedIng Is one suckIIng.
ReIuIaIIon: ThaI Is IIne, buI Ihere Is Ihe hadeeIh Irom SahIh MusIIm
whIch Is cIear and says IIve IImes; IhereIore, you cannoI use Ihe generaI
evIdence, and Ihe auIhenIIcIIy cannoI be argued because Ihe chaIn Is
auIhenIIc, and II Is In SahIh MusIIm. WhaI Is generaI In Ihe verses was
specIIIed In Ihe hadeeIh oI AIsha.

II. The suckIIng musI be IIve IImes. ThIs Is Ihe opInIon oI AIsha (radhI
AIIahu 'anha), Imam ShaII'ee, Ihe sIrongesI opInIon amongsI Ihe
HanabIIah, Ibn Hazm. Based on hadeeIh In SahIh MusIIm: AIsha saId IhaI
II was reveaIed In Ihe Quran IhaI Ien suckIIngs wouId make II IorbIdden,
and II was abrogaIed Io IIve suckIIngs, and Ihe PropheI (saI AIIahu aIayhI
wa saIIam) Ihen dIed and IhIs Is whaI we recIIed Ioday.
The hadeeIh oI AIsha Is very sIrong.
III. Ten suckIIngs.
Iv. Three suckIIngs. (more Ihan Iwo suckIIngs)
v. Seven IImes.

The breasIIeedIng musI have Iaken pIace durIng Ihe IIrsI Iwo years.
Imam Abu HanIIah saId Iwo and a haII years maxImum. Imam MaIIk saId you do
noI have Io be sIrIcI and Iwo years and severaI days Is IIne.
LvIdence: Surah AI Baqarah v. 33: AIIah (subhanahu waIa'aIa) saId, "MoIhers
breasIIeed IheIr chIIdren Iwo years II Ihey wanI Io compIeIe breasIIeedIng." ThIs
means IhaI Ihe compIeIe breasIIeedIng Is onIy Iwo years. Beyond Iwo years Is
noI aIIowed. Imam MaIIk and Imam ShaII'ee used IhIs verse.
4!

The PropheI (saI AIIahu aIayhI wa saIIam) saw a man comIng Io AIsha's house,
and she IoId hIm IhaI he was breasIIed by her IamIIy, and he (saI AIIahu aIayhI
wa saIIam) IoId her Io cIarIIy II and IhaI breasIIeedIng wouId onIy make II
IorbIdden durIng Ihe IIme when Ihe chIId onIy reIIes on Ihe moIher's mIIk (I.e.
Ihe maIn source oI Ihe chIId's Iood Is Ihe mIIk oI hIs moIher). |ReporIed by AbI
Dawood and oIhers]
SahIh BukharI and MusIIm: "BreasIIeedIng Is eIIecIIve when Ihe baby reIIes on
Ihe breasIIeedIng oI Ihe moIher."
In anoIher narraIIon In AbI Dawood: ".Ihe mIIk IhaI wIII buIId Ihe bones and
make Ihe meaI on Ihe bones." There Is a cIarIIIcaIIon on II II was Ihe sIaIemenI
oI Ihe PropheI (saI AIIahu aIayhI wa saIIam) or Ibn Masood.

ThIs Is noI agreed upon. Ibn Hazm dIsagrees wIIh IhIs condIIIon and hoIds IhaI
age Is noI a IacIor. ThIs Is Ihe opInIon oI AIsha (radhI AIIahu 'anha) who saId:
even II Ihe person who was breasIIed drank Ihe mIIk oI Ihe moIher was over Iwo
years oId, he can sIIII be reIaIed Io Ihe woman even II he was an aduII because
Ihere was an IncIdenI reporIed by Imam MusIIm IhaI SahIa bInI SohaII wenI Io
Ihe PropheI (saI AIIahu aIayhI wa saIIam) and saId she was marrIed Io
HudhayIah, and he had a sIave he Ireed by Ihe name oI SaaIIm who aIways came
Io vIsII Ihem, and her husband IeII bad Io see hIm comIng Io Ihe house, and I see
IhIs In hIs Iace, whaI shouId she do. The PropheI (saI AIIahu aIayhI wa saIIam)
saId Io Ieed hIm Irom her mIIk, and he wIII be reIaIed Io her, and her husband
wouId noI be mad anymore. Because oI IhIs, AIsha (radhI AIIahu 'anha) Iook IhIs
posIIIon. How Is IhIs done7 The mIIk Is puI In a cup, and Ihe man drInks Ihe
mIIk.

Shaykh aI IsIam Ibn TaymIyyah made a mIddIe paIh: We cannoI generaIIze by
sayIng any aduII can be breasIIed IIke IhaI. II Is onIy aIIowed In Ihe sIIuaIIon
where Ihere Is a need Ior II, and Ihe man has Io InIeracI wIIh Ihe woman. In IhIs
case, II Ihe woman has Ihe abIIIIy Io gIve hIm Irom Ihe mIIk, II wouId be
accepIabIe Io do so because Ihe PropheI (saI AIIahu aIayhI wa saIIam) onIy
aIIowed II Io be done wIIh SaaIIm, buI II cannoI jusI be done wIIh anyone.
CurrenI sIIuaIIon: II you are goIng Io adopI a chIId and you have daughIers,
when Ihe chIId grows up, Ihen Ihe wIIe and daughIers have Io cover In IronI oI
hIm, whIch Is hard because he grew up as a IamIIy member. In IhIs case, II Ihe
moIher has mIIk, she can gIve II Io hIm. II she doesn'I have mIIk, Ihen her
daughIer or sIsIer can gIve Ihe mIIk. ThIs meIhod Is onIy used In cases IIke IhIs.
II can be a reIIeI In a sIIuaIIon IIke IhIs, and Ihe PropheI (saI AIIahu aIayhI wa
saIIam) made II an exII Ior a sIIuaIIon IIke IhIs. The Iour madhahIb have noI
adopIed IhIs opInIon. Ibn AI QayyIm and AI ShawkanI saId Ihe same opInIon.

SIde noIe: Madhab means schooI. InsIde every schooI, Ihere are many schoIars,
and noI aII oI Ihem may agree. Ibn TaymIyyah Is a HanbaII, buI Ihe vasI majorIIy
oI Ihe HanabIIah wouId noI agree wIIh hIs opInIon on breasIIeedIng.

The mIIk musI go Io Ihe sIomach, and II musI be IIve IImes.

SIIuaIIons:
A moIher puIs her mIIk In a boIIIe and gIves Ihe mIIk Io her baby. Is IhIs
consIdered suckIIng or does II have Io be dIrecIIy Irom Ihe breasI7 II can be
Ihrough Ihe boIIIe. How many IImes musI II be Irom Ihe boIIIe7 The baby
drInkIng and Ihen IeeIIng IuII and IeavIng Ihe boIIIe Is consIdered one IIme.
AIIer IIve IImes, Ihe baby Is Ihen reIaIed. WhaI II she onIy mIIked herseII one
IIme and he drank Ihe mIIk over IIve IImes7 Is II suIIIcIenI7 The poInI Is Ihe
44

baby and noI Ihe moIher. II Ihe baby dId IhIs IIve IImes, Ihen he became
maharam. II Ihe woman goI Ihe mIIk ouI IIve IImes and Ihe baby drank II once,
Ihen Is Ihe baby maharam yeI7 No, II musI be over IIve IImes. WhaI II Ihe
moIher mIxes Ihe mIIk wIIh powder7 The vasI majorIIy oI Ihe Iuqaha say IhaI
IhIs Is IIne.
IaIImah breasIIed Ahmad, and she has Iwo daughIers oI her own, LaIIa and
SaIma. Ahmad's son proposed Io LaIIa, and Ahmad's broIher proposed Io SaIma.
WhaI Is Ihe ruIIng Ior each proposaI7
Ahmad's broIher can. Ahmad's son cannoI.

CorrIna breasIIed Toby Ihree IImes, Ihen her husband dIvorced her. She Ihen
remarrIed and breasIIed Toby Iwo addIIIonaI IImes. WouId II be IawIuI Ior Toby
Io marry Ihe sIsIers oI Ihese Iwo men7
Yes, because Ihe mIIk IhaI she breasIIed Irom Ihe IIrsI IIme Is noI counIed.

NoIe: do noI IeI Ihe chIId be breasIIed Irom jusI any woman because II aIIecIs Ihe
manner oI Ihe kIds.

"MoIhers may nurse |I.e. breasIIeed] IheIr chIIdren Iwo compIeIe years |Ior whoever
wIshes Io compIeIe Ihe nursIng |perIod]." |2:233]

WhaI IacIors InIIuence Ihe accepIabIIIIy oI breasIIeedIng as a means oI brIngIng abouI a
maharam reIaIIonshIp7

Those IhaI Ior Iemporary reasons you are IorbIdden Io marry
When Ihese reasons go away, Ihen you are aIIowed Io marry Ihem.

The PropheI (saI AIIahu aIayhI wa saIIam) prohIbIIed joInIng (In marrIage aI Ihe same
IIme) a woman and her paIernaI aunI or a woman and her maIernaI aunI. |BukharI &
MusIIm]

WhIIe beIng marrIed Io a woman, one cannoI marry her sIsIer or any oI her
aunIs.
The one who dIvorced hIs wIIe Ihree IImes, unIII she remarrIes.
The one who aIready has Iour wIves.
MarryIng a woman who Is marrIed Io somebody eIse or Is In her waIIIng perIod.
The women Ior whom a man has made aIII'aan unIII he conIesses IhaI he had
IIed. AIII'aan Is accusIng Ihe wIIe oI aduIIery (I.e. comIng In IronI oI Ihe judge
and sayIng IhaI he saw hIs wIIe commIIIIng aduIIery, and Ihe man swears by
AIIah IhaI he saw IhIs).
A woman who Is neIIher MusIIm, |ewIsh, or ChrIsIIan.
MarryIng aI an earIy age.

Is Ihere a mInImum age requIremenI Ior a IegaI marrIage conIracI7 Ibn Hajar saId Ihere
Is consensus amongsI Ihe schoIars IhaI Ihere Is no mInImum age Ior Ihe marrIage
conIracI. WhaI Is Ihe prooI7 AIIah (subhanahu waIa'aIa) saId In Surah AI TaIaq v. 4:
"The waIIIng perIod Ior a woman who Is oId and does noI have menses Is Ihree monIhs
and sImIIarIy Ihe one who has noI sIarIed her perIod yeI." The conIracI Ior Ihe PropheI
(saI AIIahu aIayhI wa saIIam)'s marrIage AIsha (radhI AIIahu 'anha) was when she was sIx
years oId.

WhaI do you IhInk Ihe bIggesI chaIIenges are Ior earIy marrIages7
Ior boys:
Ior gIrIs:
4

Ior boIh: IInance, maIurIIy, IakIng responsIbIIIIy, educaIIon, IIIe experIence,

AdvIce Io parenIs: When you have guesIs, do noI IeI your chIIdren pIay and noI InIeracI
wIIh Ihe eIders. Make sure your son waIks wIIh you IIke a man even II he Is Ihree or
Iour or IIve years oId. Manners are mIssIng In IhIs currenI generaIIon.

Marrying a Woman lrom Ahl Al KiIab

Is II aIIowed Io marry a woman who Is a ChrIsIIan or |ew7 AIIah (subhanahu waIa'aIa)
saId IhaI He made IawIuI Ior us Ihe Iood Irom ahI aI kIIab and IheIr women.

"And do noI marry poIyIheIsIIc women unIII Ihey beIIeve. And a beIIevIng sIave woman
Is beIIer Ihan a poIyIheIsI, even Ihough she mIghI pIease you. And do noI marry
poIyIheIsIIc men |Io your women] unIII Ihey beIIeve. And a beIIevIng sIave Is beIIer Ihan
a poIyIheIsI, even Ihough he mIghI pIease you. Those InIo |you] Io Ihe IIre, buI AIIah
InvIIes Io ParadIse and Io IorgIveness, by HIs permIssIon. And He makes cIear HIs
verses |I.e. ordInances] Io Ihe peopIe IhaI perhaps Ihey may remember." |2:221]

"ThIs day |aII] good Ioods have been made IawIuI, and Ihe Iood oI Ihose who were gIven
Ihe ScrIpIure Is IawIuI Ior you and your Iood Is IawIuI Ior Ihem. And |IawIuI In
marrIage] and chasIe women Irom among Ihe beIIevers and chasIe women Irom among
Ihose who were gIven Ihe ScrIpIure beIore you, when you have gIven Ihem IheIr due
compensaIIon, desIrIng chasIIIy, noI unIawIuI sexuaI InIercourse or IakIng |secreI]
Iovers. And whoever denIes Ihe IaIIh - hIs work has become worIhIess, and he, In Ihe
HereaIIer, wIII be among Ihe Iosers." |S:S]

Are Ihere any condIIIons Ior marryIng such a woman7
Some schoIars IIke Imam Ash ShaII'ee saId IhaI Ihe woman musI noI be a
ChrIsIIan or a |ew Arab because aII Arabs were orIgInaIIy upon Ihe reIIgIon oI
IbrahIm and Ihen converIed Io ChrIsIIanIIy. The resI oI Ihe MusIIm schoIars
dIsagree wIIh IhIs opInIon.
Umar (radhI AIIahu 'anhu) was asked specIIIcaIIy abouI marryIng Irom Ihe Arab
ChrIsIIans, and he aIIowed II. There are many narraIIons oI companIons who
marrIed Irom ahI aI kIIab who were Arab orIgInaIIy.
Some schoIars saId IhaI she musI pracIIce Ihe reIIgIon, meanIng IhaI she musI
beIIeve In II. She does noI need Io go Io church or pracIIce Ihe IradIIIons.
ChrIsIIanIIy means Ihe reIIgIon we see Ioday where Ihe beIIeI Is IhaI |esus Is Ihe
son oI Cod. Surah AI Ma'Idah dIscusses IhIs and debaIes IheIr beIIeIs. AIso, Ihe
marrIages IhaI Iook pIace durIng Ihe IIme oI Ihe companIons were wIIh women
who beIIeved IhaI |esus was Ihe son oI Cod. Imam Ibn MundhIr saId IhaI II was
never narraIed In any auIhenIIc way IhaI anyone Irom Ihe earIy generaIIon saId II
was IorbIdden Io marry a ChrIsIIan or |ew.
A ChrIsIIan or |ew reIers Io Ihose who IIved durIng Ihe IIme oI Ihe PropheI (saI
AIIahu aIayhI wa saIIam) or any secI. Ibn AI Qudama saId: Anyone cIaImIng IhaI
he beIongs Io Ihe book oI Musa or Lesa Is ChrIsIIan or |ew |IhIs Is agreed upon].
She musI be 'nccnI (chasIe). ThIs means IhaI she does noI pracIIce
prosIIIuIIon. WhaI II she had a boyIrIend beIore7 II Is aIIowed Io marry her II
she Is no Ionger doIng IhIs. Some schoIars saId IhaI nuI:nnnI does noI mean
'chasIe' buI means 'Iree', meanIng IhaI she Is noI a sIave, buI IhIs Is a weak
opInIon and noI how Ihe majorIIy oI Ihe muIasIreen InIerpreI Ihe Quran.
She musI noI be Irom AhI AI Harb. OnIy Ibn Abbas saId IhIs. AhI aI harb are
Ihose who are In a sIaIus oI war wIIh you. Ibn Abbas used Ihe IoIIowIng as
prooI: AIIah (subhanahu waIa'aIa) saId In Ihe Quran, "IIghI Ihose who don'I
beIIeve In AIIah and Ihe Day oI |udgmenI unIII Ihey gIve you Ihe jIzyah or beIIeve
46

In you Irom Ihe peopIe oI Ihe book." Ibn Abbas saId IhaI IhIs verse was reIaIed
Io Ihose peopIe who are In a sIaIus oI war (I.e. Iwo counIrIes who are IIghIIng
each oIher). ThIs Is noI agreed upon, and Ihe vasI majorIIy oI Ihe companIons
dIsagree wIIh Ibn Abbas In IhIs, and II has never been a popuIar opInIon In Ihe
IradIIIonaI books oI IIqh.

The permIssIbIIIIy:
Ibn Umar (radhI AIIahu 'anhu) saId IhaI marryIng a ChrIsIIan or |ewIsh woman Is
IorbIdden. He dIsagreed wIIh Ihe resI oI Ihe companIons. ThIs opInIon, as Ibn
TaymIyyah saId, Is a :IndI opInIon and noI accepIabIe because II goes agaInsI Ihe
consensus oI Ihe companIons and a cIear IexI In Ihe Quran. AIso, Ihe permIssIbIIIIy
Is shown by Ihe pracIIces oI Ihe earIy companIons and Ihe successors. Among Ihose
who marrIed Ihe peopIe oI Ihe book: UIhman Ibn AIIan, TaIhah Ibn Abbas, |aabIr
Ibn AbduIIah, HudhayIah Ibn AbduIIah, Sayeed Ibn MusayyIb, MujahId, AI Hasan AI
BasrI, eIc. ThIs shows IhaI Ibn Umar's opInIon was noI accepIed.
There are severaI narraIIons IhaI when TaIhah marrIed a woman Irom ahI aI kIIab,
Umar ordered hIm Io dIvorce her, and he saId IhaI II Is noI haram, buI he dId noI
wanI II Ior hIm because II wouId noI be proper Ior someone who was Ihe head oI Ihe
MusIIm sIaIe Io be marrIed Io a ChrIsIIan, and he was one oI Ihose nomInaIed Io be
Ihe khaIIIah. Umar (radhI AIIahu 'anhu) saId IhIs Io severaI oIher peopIe as weII
such as a companIon In Iraq who was Ihe amIr oI IhaI regIon.

WhaI Is Ihe ruIIng In marryIng a ChrIsIIan or |ew7
The vasI majorIIy oI MusIIm jurIsIs saId II Is permIssIbIe.
A mInorIIy oI schoIars saId IhaI we shouId noI say permIssIbIe and shouId say
dIsIIked , noI recommended. ThIs was Ihe opInIon oI 'AIa. Why7 They had Ihe
IoIIowIng reasons:
I. II may cause a IIInah Ior Ihe man In hIs own reIIgIon.
II. The PropheI (saI AIIahu aIayhI wa saIIam) saId, "Marry Ihe one who Is
reIIgIous." The reIIgIous woman Is preIerred over Ihe nonreIIgIous oI Ihe
MusIImahs.
III. The chIIdren wIII be ImpacIed by how she wIII raIse Ihem.
He shouId noI Iorce her InIo hIs reIIgIon. He shouId noI sIop her Irom pracIIcIng her
reIIgIon.

Lveryone who IoIIows Ihe reIIgIon oI Ihe PeopIe oI Ihe Book Iakes on Ihe same ruIIng
as Ihem, wIIh respecI Io marrIage and sIaughIerIng.
II Is noI recommended Io marry Irom Ihe PeopIe oI Ihe Book
MarryIng Irom oIher Ihan |ewIsh or ChrIsIIan women.
MarrIage Io a nutnddnI (aposIaIe). (noI aIIowed Io marry IhIs person aI aII even II
she converIed Io ChrIsIIanIIy)
MarryIng a nonMusIIm man.

"O you who have beIIeved, when Ihe beIIevIng women come Io you as emIgranIs,
examIne |I.e., IesI] Ihem. AIIah Is mosI knowIng as Io IheIr IaIIh. And II you know Ihem
Io be beIIevers, Ihen do noI reIurn Ihem Io Ihe dIsbeIIevers; Ihey are noI IawIuI |wIves]
Ior Ihem, nor are Ihey IawIuI |husbands] Ior Ihem. BuI gIve Ihem |I.e., Ihe dIsbeIIevers]
whaI Ihey have spenI. And Ihere Is no bIame upon you II you marry Ihem when you
have gIven Ihem IheIr due compensaIIon |I.e., mahr]. And hoId noI Io marrIage bonds
wIIh dIsbeIIevIng women, buI ask Ihem Ior whaI you have spenI and IeI Ihem |I.e., Ihe
dIsbeIIevers] ask Ior whaI Ihey have spenI. ThaI Is Ihe judgmenI oI AIIah; He judges
beIween you. And AIIah Is KnowIng and WIse." |60:10]

4

The Marriage ConIracIs ol Ihe Non-Muslims

Any marrIage conIracI done by nonMusIIms Is vaIId, regardIess oI whaI kInd oI
marrIage. We consIder IheIr chIIdren Io be IheIrs IegaIIy, and Ihey wIII InherII Irom
Ihem. In a MusIIm counIry, Ihe nonMusIIm marrIages are accepIed.

II Ihey become MusIIm, Ihey do noI need Io renew IheIr conIracI.
DurIng Ihe IIme oI Ihe PropheI (saI AIIahu aIayhI wa saIIam), many coupIes became
MusIIm, and Ihe PropheI (saI AIIahu aIayhI wa saIIam) never asked Ihem Io renew IheIr
conIracI.

Can you marry a woman who cIaIms Io IoIIow a book oIher Ihan Ihe |ews and
ChrIsIIans7
The HanaII schoIars say yes, buI Ihe vasI majorIIy oI Ihe schoIars dIsagree wIIh IhIs and
say II Is noI even pracIIcaI. ThIs may reIer Io Ihe MajoosIs or Ihe BuddhIsIs. Imam
Ahmad saId IhaI Ihese peopIe are IIars and are noI IoIIowIng any reIIgIon or messenger
Irom AIIah (subhanahu waIa'aIa). Abu Thawr saId IhaI Ihe MajoosIs shouId be IreaIed
IIke Ihe peopIe oI Ihe book, buI IhIs opInIon Is noI popuIar.

Can a MusIIm IemaIe marry a nonMusIIm who Is |ewIsh or ChrIsIIan7
No. By consensus oI Ihe MusIIm schoIars she cannoI. ProoIs: Surah AI MumIahanah v.
10, 2:221

Why Is II aIIowed Ior a MusIIm maIe buI noI a MusIIm IemaIe7 MusIIms know
ChrIsIIanIIy and |udaIsm, and we beIIeve In |esus and Musa and IheIr books, buI Ihey do
noI beIIeve In Ihe Quran, and Ihe head oI Ihe househoId wIII proIecI IhaI rIghI. The
SharI'ah comes Io seI generaI ruIes. AIso, In IsIam Ihe chIIdren IoIIow Ihe IaIher. The
waII Is Ihe man, so IhIs wouId noI work.

II one oI Ihem becomes MusIIm.7
II a IemaIe non|ew or nonChrIsIIan converIed Io IsIam, and her husband Is a non
MusIIm (regardIess oI reIIgIon), and Ihey had Ihe marrIage conIracI buI dId noI
consummaIe Ihe marrIage, Ihen IhIs marrIage conIracI Is InvaIId, and she Is noI aIIowed
Io consIder hIm or IIve wIIh hIm. She cannoI keep Ihe dower and musI gIve II back
because Ihe separaIIon came Irom her sIde.

II a man converIed Io IsIam, and hIs wIIe Is noI a MusIIm, ChrIsIIan or |ew, II Ihey dId
noI consummaIe Ihe marrIage, Ihen Ihe marrIage Is InvaIId, and he musI Ieave her and
gIve her haII oI Ihe dower. AIIah saId, "Do noI hoId Io Ihe conIracI IhaI you have made
wIIh IemaIe pagans."

II Ihey boIh became MusIIm In Ihe same IIme, Ihen Ihe marrIage conIracI Is correcI II
Ihey have aIready consummaIed Ihe marrIage. II Ihe marrIage was noI consummaIed,
Ihen Ihey redo Ihe conIracI.

II a IemaIe non|ew or nonChrIsIIan converIed Io IsIam, and her husband Is a non
MusIIm (regardIess oI reIIgIon), and Ihey consummaIed Ihe marrIage, Ihen she Ieaves
hIm and waIIs Ior one perIod and Ihen has noIhIng Io do wIIh hIm.

II a man converIed Io IsIam, and hIs wIIe Is noI a MusIIm, ChrIsIIan or |ew, II Ihey dId
consummaIe Ihe marrIage, Ihen he Ieaves her ImmedIaIeIy.

II a woman converIs and Ihen Ihe husband IaIer converIs or vIce versa, Ihen as Iong as
Ihe monIh dId noI IInIsh, Ihey can sIay IogeIher.
48


WhaI II a man became MusIIm and hIs wIIe remaIns ChrIsIIan or |ew7 ThIs Is IIne.

II a woman becomes MusIIm and Ihe man becomes MusIIm IaIer, Ihen Ihe conIracI Is
vaIId II IhIs happens In one monIh, oIher schoIars saId a Iew monIhs, and Ibn AI QayyIm
saId Ihere Is no IIme IImII. BuI Ihey are noI aIIowed Io have InIercourse durIng IhIs IIme
perIod In beIween. Ibn AI QayyIm's prooI: The daughIer oI Ihe PropheI (saI AIIahu
aIayhI wa saIIam) was marrIed Io a nonMusIIm, and aIIer she mIgraIed Io MadInah, her
husband who was a pagan came much IaIer, and he (saI AIIahu aIayhI wa saIIam)
reIerred Io hIm as her husband. When he became MusIIm, he was reunIIed. Some
schooIs oI Iuqaha saId aIIer Ihree monIhs Ihey are auIomaIIcaIIy separaIed.

II Ihe man becomes MusIIm and he has more Ihan Iour wIves.7
He musI choose Iour and Ieave Ihe resI. AI Qays Ibn HaarIIh became MusIIm and had
eIghI wIves, and Ihe PropheI (saI AIIahu aIayhI wa saIIam) IoId hIm Io choose Iour and
IeI Ihe resI go.

Does IIIegaI sexuaI InIercourse aIIecI marrIage7

Is II aIIowed Io marry a IornIcaIor7

A man came Io Ihe Messenger oI AIIah (saI AIIahu aIayhI wa saIIam) and saId: "I have a
wIIe who Is mosI beIoved Io me, buI she does noI mInd anyone Io Iouch her." He (saI
AIIahu aIayhI wa saIIam) saId, "DIvorce her." The man repIIed, "BuI I cannoI IIve wIIhouI
her." He (saI AIIahu aIayhI wa saIIam) saId, "Then enjoy her wIIh IhaI (deIIcIency)." |Abu
Dawood, TIrmIdhI]

"The IornIcaIor does noI marry excepI a |IemaIe] IornIcaIor or poIyIheIsI, and none
marrIed her excepI a IornIcaIor or poIyIheIsI, and IhaI |I.e. marrIage Io such persons]
has been made unIawIuI Io Ihe beIIevers." |24:3]

A man durIng Ihe IIme oI Ihe PropheI (saI AIIahu aIayhI wa saIIam) wouId sneak Io
Makkah and reach ouI Io Ihe MusIIms who were beIng abused by Ihe nonMusIIms and
carry Ihem ouI oI Makkah and brIng Ihem Io MadInah. One day, he was goIng Io pIck up
one oI Ihe MusIIms, buI Ihe man was so bIg and heavy IhaI he was bareIy movIng. He
couId noI go Iar, and he puI Ihem In a pIace Io Iake a break beIore conIInuIng. He saw a
woman waIkIng, and she saw hIm and he wenI Io her. She approached hIm and saId,
"MarIhad7!" He saId IhaI II was hIm. ThIs woman was a prosIIIuIe In Makkah. She IoId
hIm IhaI he remInded her oI Ihe oId, good days. He was emoIIonaIIy aIIached Io her.
She was drInkIng and InvIIed hIm Io her house. He IoId her IhaI IornIcaIIon was
IorbIdden by AIIah. She Ihen Iurned In Ihe dIrecIIon oI Makkah and saId, "O peopIe oI
Makkah, come and see who Is IryIng Io Iake away your prIsoners!" The peopIe oI
Makkah sIarIed Io come IookIng Ior hIm. He Iook Ihe man and Ihey wenI InIo a cave.
One oI Ihe kuIIar was IookIng wIIh a Iorch, and Ihey were underneaIh hIm and he dId
noI see hIm. WhaI Is InIeresIIng abouI IhIs hadeeIh Is IhaI IhIs man wenI Io Ihe PropheI
(saI AIIahu aIayhI wa saIIam) and asked Ior hIs permIssIon Io marry Ihe woman. The
PropheI (saI AIIahu aIayhI wa saIIam) remaIned sIIenI, and AIIah reveaIed Ihe verse:
"The IornIcaIor does noI marry excepI a |IemaIe] IornIcaIor or poIyIheIsI, and none
marrIed her excepI a IornIcaIor or poIyIheIsI, and IhaI |I.e. marrIage Io such persons]
has been made unIawIuI Io Ihe beIIevers." |24:3]
ThIs verse Iorbade hIm Io marry such a woman. Imam Abu Dawood, AI TIrmIdhI, and
An Nasa'I narraIed IhIs hadeeIh. II Is a hasan hadeeIh.

49

The probIem wIIh Ihe IransIaIIon Is IhaI Ihe IransIaIor used hIs InIerpreIaIIon oI Ihe
Ianguage; however, II Is noI everyone's undersIandIng. The word marrIage In IsIam Is
nnI. The word nnI has Iwo meanIngs In ArabIc: conIracI and InIercourse. The
word nnI can mean Ihe marrIage conIracI or Io have InIercourse even wIIhouI a
marrIage conIracI. ThIs verse can be IransIaIed: "The IornIcaIor does noI marry." or
"The IornIcaIor wIII noI have InIercourse wIIh anyone excepI a IornIcaIor IIke hIm or
her." |I.e. wIII noI have InIercourse wIIh anyone excepI wIIh anoIher person who Is a
IornIcaIor] II IhIs Is Ihe case, Ihen IhIs verse does noI suggesI IhaI II Is IorbIdden Io
marry a person who commIIIed IornIcaIIon. ThIs Is Ihe opInIon oI Ihe vasI majorIIy oI
MusIIm schoIars |MaIIkIs, HanaIIs, ShaII'ees, HanbaIIs, muIasIreen, Ibn KaIhIr, Ibn |arIr,
Ash ShInqIIee] ThIs IransIaIIon oI marrIage wouId be correcI accordIng Io Ibn AI
QayyIm, and he saId IhaI any oIher way Io InIerpreI IhIs verse Is IncorrecI. The way Io
undersIand IhIs verse musI be based on why Ihe verse was reveaIed, and IhIs ayah was
IaIkIng abouI marryIng a IornIcaIor.

WhaI II someone IornIcaIed wIIh someone beIore becomIng MusIIm or beIore becomIng
reIIgIous7 WhaI II Ihe gIrI has a hIsIory oI beIng a cerIaIn way7 II Ihey repenI Io AIIah,
Ihen by Ihe consensus oI Ihe MusIIm schoIars, Ihere Is no probIem marryIng hIm or her.
II Ihe person Is sIIII pIayIng around, Ihen can IhIs person marry7 The vasI majorIIy oI
schoIars saId IhaI II Is aIIowed buI noI recommended because you shouId Iook Ior a
reIIgIous person Io marry. There Is a hadeeIh where a man came Io Ihe PropheI (saI
AIIahu aIayhI wa saIIam) and saId, "I have a wIIe who Is mosI beIoved Io me, buI she
does noI keep Ihe hand oI Ihe sIranger oII oI her." ThIs means IhaI she wIII noI sIop
herseII Irom knowIng any man (I.e. IornIcaIe). The PropheI (saI AIIahu aIayhI wa saIIam)
IoId hIm Io dIvorce her, buI he saId IhaI he cannoI IIve wIIhouI her. The PropheI (saI
AIIahu aIayhI wa saIIam) Ihen saId Io enjoy her Ihe way she Is. The jamhoor (majorIIy oI
schoIars) use IhIs hadeeIh Io prove IheIr poInI. OIher schoIars saId IhIs hadeeIh Is
weak. Ibn AI |awzI saId IhaI IhIs hadeeIh Is IabrIcaIed |NoIe: When Ibn AI |awzI says
IhIs, do noI reIy on II Ioo much because he Is known Ior gIvIng IhIs IabeI Io auIhenIIc
hadeeIh and he Is noI known Io gIvIng Ihe correcI auIhenIIcIIy oI ahadeeIh. He Is noI a
specIaIIsI In hadeeIh] Ibn Hajar saId IhaI IhIs hadeeIh Is accepIabIe.

The evIdences used Io prove IhaI a woman cannoI marry a man who Is noI Ihe IaIher oI
Ihe chIId unIII aIIer deIIverIng Ihe baby: 1) AIIah (subhanahu waIa'aIa) saId IhaI Ihe
pregnanI woman musI waII Io deIIver Ihe baby beIore marryIng. 2) The PropheI (saI
AIIahu aIayhI wa saIIam) saId II Is noI permIssIbIe Ior someone who beIIeves In AIIah
and Ihe Day oI |udgmenI Io waIer Ihe pIanIs oI someone eIse.

The boIIom IIne: jamhoor saId IhIs conIracI Is vaIId, and II Is noI recommended Io
marry IhIs person.

II someone has InIercourse wIIh a woman and she becomes pregnanI, Ihen can he marry
her7 II Ihe person who Is proposIng Io her Is Ihe bIoIogIcaI IaIher oI Ihe chIId, Ihen Ihe
sIrongesI opInIon Is IhaI II Is aIIowed. Ibn AI QayyIm and Ibn TaymIyyah wroIe arIIcIes
on IhIs and based IheIr opInIon on a sound narraIIon IhaI an IncIdenI IIke IhIs happened
durIng Ihe IIme oI Umar (radhI AIIahu 'anhu), and he oIIered Ihe Iwo peopIe Io marry
each oIher. Ibn AI QayyIm saId IhaI Umar dId IhIs In Ihe presence oI Ihe companIons,
and none oI Ihem objecIed; IhereIore, II became someIhIng Ihe companIons agreed
upon. WhaI II anoIher person oIher Ihan Ihe bIoIogIcaI IaIher proposes Io Ihe woman7
ThIs man cannoI marry her by consensus unIII aIIer she deIIvers Ihe baby. AIIer she
deIIvers Ihe baby, she can marry whomever she wanIs. WIII IhIs chIId be a chIId oI Ihe
bIoIogIcaI IaIher7 Yes, Ibn AI QayyIm and Ibn TaymIyyah saId IhIs because he Is Ihe
bIoIogIcaI IaIher.

0

The Third lnIegral: Al-Wali (The Bride's Guardian)

AI WaII comes Irom aI qIIaayah, whIch means Iove and supporI.
ThIs deIInes why Ihe IaIher Is In Ihe marrIage conIracI. WhaI moIIvaIes hIm Is Ihe Iove,
and hIs roIe Is Io supporI hIs daughIer. II Is noI because Ihe woman Is noI capabIe oI
makIng Ihe judgmenI on her own. The roIe oI Ihe waII Is Io supporI hIs daughIer and
make sure IhaI she makes Ihe rIghI choIce, and hIs Iove Ior hIs daughIer moIIvaIes hIm.

Who Is Ihe waII7
The waII Is Ihe IaIher. Who comes nexI7 AIIer Ihe IaIher Is Ihe \n:)), whIch Is a
person appoInIed by Ihe IaIher beIore hIs deaIh Io Iook aIIer hIs daughIer even II he Is
noI reIaIed Io her aI aII. II Ihe IaIher does noI appoInI someone, Ihen II Is Ihe
grandIaIher Irom Ihe IaIher's sIde, Ihen Ihe son II she has one, Ihen Ihe IuII broIher,
Ihen Ihe broIher Irom Ihe IaIher's sIde, Ihen Ihe uncIe. You cannoI move Irom one Io
Ihe oIher unIess Ihe person ahead gIves Ihe permIssIon. AI wIIaayah Is Ihe same In
InherIIance.

The wIsdom behInd havIng a waII
MarrIage Is noI jusI a reIaIIonshIp beIween Iwo IndIvIduaIs buI a reIaIIonshIp
beIween IamIIIes. II Is ImporIanI IhaI Ihe IamIIy Is InvoIved In Ihe marrIage. The
waII wIII have a major roIe Io pIay In Ihe marrIage.
MarrIage Is a serIous Issue and one oI Ihe mosI ImporIanI decIsIons. When Ihe
sIsIer makes Ihe decIsIon, IsIam wanIs Io make sure IhaI she Is noI Iaken
advanIage oI. II guaranIees Ior her IhaI she wIII have her own perspecIIve as a
IemaIe, and aIso Ihe perspecIIve oI a maIe. She wIII have a compIeIe pIcIure.
The waII cannoI marry her wIIhouI her permIssIon, and she needs hIs
recommendaIIon Io see IhIngs cIearIy.
In order Ior a woman Io know abouI a man, she needs InvesIIgaIIon and
someone Io ask abouI hIm. II Is noI proper Ior a woman Io do IhIs on her own,
and IhIs Is Ihe roIe oI Ihe waII.
ThIs ruIe In SharI'ah Is noI meanI Io be agaInsI Ihe sIsIer, buI II shouId be
someIhIng IhaI Ihe sIsIer shouId Iake IuII advanIage oI.

The dangers oI marryIng wIIhouI your parenIs' permIssIon or consenI
AccordIng Io Ihe sIrongesI opInIon, IhIs marrIage conIracI Is InvaIId wIIhouI Ihe consenI
oI Ihe waII. The man does noI need a waII, and Ihere Is no dIIIerence oI opInIon on IhIs
Issue, buI IhIs does noI mean IhaI he goes agaInsI hIs parenIs. The PropheI (saI AIIahu
aIayhI wa saIIam) ordered us Io obey our parenIs.

MosI marrIages where Ihe parenIs are noI happy are dIsasIrous. AIIah (subhanahu
waIa'aIa) does noI puI barakah In such marrIages and does noI bIess Ihese marrIages.
The PropheI (saI AIIahu aIayhI wa saIIam) saId, "AIIah wIII be pIeased wIIh you when
your parenIs are pIeased wIIh you, and AIIah wIII be angry wIIh you when your parenIs
are angry wIIh you." ThIs puIIs IamIIIes aparI, whIch Is noI someIhIng IhaI IsIam wanIs
Io happen In Ihe communIIy.

When a sIsIer marrIes wIIhouI a waII, Ihe husbands oIIen Iake advanIage oI Ihe gIrI and
have no respecI Ior her. II Iakes a IoI Ior a man Io come Io a IaIher and ask Ior Ihe
daughIer's hand In marrIage. II Is an honor Io Ihe woman.

The ruIIng regardIng havIng waII In Ihe marrIage conIracI
Umar, AII, AbduIIah Ibn Umar, AbduIIah Ibn Masud, AIsha, Sayeed Ibn MusayyIb, AI
Hasan AI BasrI, IbrahIm AI NahkhaII, AI Awza'I, Imam MaIIk, Imam Ash SHaII'ee, AI
TabarI, Abu Thawr, Ibn Hazm, Ibn Mubarak, and oIher schoIars saId Ihe marrIage
1

conIracI Is noI vaIId II Ihe woman does noI have a waII or her waII dId noI gIve her
permIssIon Io marry Ihe man.

How does Ihe IoIIowIng verse show IhaI Ihe woman musI have a waII Io compIeIe Ihe
marrIage conIracI:
"And when you dIvorce women and Ihey have IuIIIIIed IheIr Ierm, do noI prevenI Ihem
Irom remarryIng IheIr |Iormer] husbands II Ihey |I.e., aII parIIes] agree among
IhemseIves on an accepIabIe basIs.and AIIah knows and you know noI." |2:232]
Answer: 'do noI prevenI Ihem.' means IhaI Ihe waII has Ihe auIhorIIy Io
prevenI Ihem.

"And do noI marry poIyIheIsIIc women unIII Ihey beIIeve." |2:221] ("And do noI gIve
your daughIers InIo marrIage Io.")
Answer: ThIs means IhaI Ihe waII Is Ihe one who marrIes Ihe daughIers.

"He saId, 'Indeed I wIsh Io wed you one oI Ihese, my Iwo daughIers, on |Ihe condIIIon]
IhaI you serve me Ior eIghI years; buI II you compIeIe Ien, II wIII be |as a Iavor] Irom
you. And I do noI wIsh Io puI you In dIIIIcuIIy. You wIII IInd me, II AIIah wIIIs, Irom
among Ihe rIghIeous.'" |28:27]

UIema say IhaI II Is an obIIgaIIon Io have a waII and a pIIIar oI Ihe conIracI.

The PropheI (saI AIIahu aIayhI wa saIIam) saId, "II any woman marrIes herseII wIIhouI
Ihe permIssIon oI her waII, Ihen her marrIage Is voId, Ihen her marrIage Is voId, Ihen her
marrIage Is voId."

AII Ibn AbI TaIIb saId, "II any woman marrIes herseII wIIhouI Ihe permIssIon oI her waII,
Ihen her marrIage Is InvaIId. There Is no marrIage wIIhouI Ihe waII's permIssIon."
|Ahmad and BayhaqI]

AIsha (radhI AIIahu 'anha) saId IhaI Ihe dIIIerence beIween marrIage and IornIcaIIon Is
havIng Ihe waII.

In Sunan Abu Dawood: The PropheI (saI AIIahu aIayhI wa saIIam) saId, "There Is no
marrIage conIracI IhaI Is vaIId wIIhouI Ihe waII."

Imam Abu HanIIah and Abu YusuI dIsagreed and saId: II Ihe woman Is wIse and knows
whaI she Is doIng, Ihen she can marry herseII. ThIs opInIon Is noI adopIed by oIhers.
They IrIed Io prove IheIr poInI because Ihese schoIars dId base IheIr opInIon on
evIdence.
LvIdence: "And II he dIvorced her |Ior Ihe IhIrd IIme], Ihen she Is noI IawIuI Io hIm
aIIerwards unIII |aIIer] she marrIes a husband oIher Ihan hIm." |2:230]
ThIs ayah says IhaI she can marry herseII and choose IhaI.
LvIdence: "And when you dIvorce women and Ihey have IuIIIIIed IheIr Ierm, do noI
prevenI Ihem Irom remarryIng IheIr |Iormer] husbands II Ihey |I.e. aII parIIes] agree
among IhemseIves on an accepIabIe basIs." |2:232]
ThIs ayah Is sayIng IhaI IhIs acIIon Is Iaken by Ihe woman. Imam Abu HanIIah says IhaI
Ihese evIdences show IhaI Ihe woman can marry herseII.
AIso, Imam Abu HanIIah used anaIogy wIIh oIher conIracIs.
ReIuIaIIon: These evIdences are vague, and Ihere are oIher cIear evIdences In whIch Ihe
PropheI (saI AIIahu aIayhI wa saIIam) says IhaI Ihese marrIages are voId. AIso, II Ihere Is
an anaIogy IhaI goes agaInsI a cIear IexI Irom Ihe Quran and Sunnah, Ihen II Is rejecIed.

2

The condIIIons oI Ihe waII
AI IsIam
Ibn Qudamah saId Ihe vasI majorIIy oI schoIars agree on IhIs. The HanbaIIs and
HanaIIs aIIowed a nonMusIIm IaIher (ChrIsIIan or |ew), Io marry hIs ChrIsIIan or
|ewIsh daughIer Io a MusIIm.

WhaI II Ihe daughIer Is MusIIm7 The vasI majorIIy oI schoIars saId Ihe IaIher
cannoI be her waII. OIher schoIars say IhaI II Is aIIowed. Shaykh WaIeed does
noI IeeI IhaI II Is a sIrong opInIon IhaI II Is noI aIIowed because marrIage Is a
conIracI, and any conIracI can be done by nonMusIIms. There Is no specIIIc
prooI, and any prooIs Ihey use are generaI.

PhysIcaI maIurIIy (aI buIoogh)
SanIIy
MenIaI maIurIIy (ar rushd)
NoI beIng In a sIaIe oI Ihram

WhaI shouId be done In Ihe absence oI a waII7
The \n:)) Ihen Ihe grandIaIher and so on. WhaI II no IamIIy member agrees7 The
PropheI (saI AIIahu aIayhI wa saIIam) saId IhaI Ihe MusIIm ruIer wIII be Ihe waII oI Ihe
person who does noI have one.

Many sIsIers who converI Io IsIam IhInk IhaI Ihe waII Is IIke her IaIher, buI IhIs Is noI
Ihe case and she needs Io wear hIjab In IronI oI hIm. AIso, you do noI have Io go back
Io IhIs person In Ihe case oI dIvorce. AIso, go Io someone who you IhInk wIII choose Ihe
besI person Ior you.

BeIore a man dIed, he IeIIs hIs wIIe and IamIIy Io caII IaIIma. He IoId her In a very weak
voIce wIIh eyes IuII oI sorrow: "IaIIma, I ask you Io IorgIve me beIore I dIe." WIIh a
very sharp Ione, she repIIed, "May AIIah never IorgIve you." Why dId she say IhIs Io her
IaIher7 She was In her mId40s, and her IaIher reIused Io marry her Io Iens oI peopIe
who proposed Io her unIII she reached an age where Ihere are noI many proposaIs. The
IaIher dId IhIs because he IIved oII oI her saIary.

A waII cannoI marry oII Ihe brIde wIIhouI her consenI.

AbusIng Ihe rIghI oI guardIanshIp
AIIah (subhanahu waIa'aIa) gIves Ihe IaIher power Io sIop a marrIage, buI He dId noI
gIve hIm uIIImaIe power. II a IaIher ever abuses hIs rIghIs, Ihen Ihey wIII be Iaken away
Irom hIm. The judge has Ihe rIghI Io Iake Ihe power Irom hIm and gIve II Io Ihe nexI
person. A sIsIer cannoI IIre her waII. II Is In Ihe hand oI Ihe judge or reIIgIous auIhorIIy
In your socIeIy.

The guardIan oI a nonMusIIm brIde

Who Is Ihe waII Ior a new MusIIm7
The converI sIsIer who needs someone Io represenI her wIII go Io a person weII known
In Ihe socIeIy: I.e. head oI IsIamIc cenIer, someone weII known IIke Ihe presIdenI oI
ISCH or Ihe zone dIrecIor (noI someone In Ihe roIaIIng khuIbah), Imam oI masjId,
someone weII known In Ihe naIIonaI or cIIy IeveI.

!

CommIssIonIng In marrIage conIracIs
The ruIIng oI commIssIonIng In such conIracIs
II can be done wIIh Ihe IoIIowIng condIIIons: maIe, sane, physIcaI maIurIIy,
Ireedom. Ior exampIe, IhIs can be done II he IIves overseas. When Ihe PropheI
(saI AIIahu aIayhI wa saIIam) proposed Io Umm HabIba, she was In AbyssInIa,
and Ihe PropheI (saI AIIahu aIayhI wa saIIam) asked An NajashI Io be hIs
represenIaIIve and asked Ior her marrIage. The waII can assIgn someone. The
woman can assIgn someone.
The auIhorIIy oI Ihe commIssIoner
There are Iwo ways: CeneraI and specIIIc.
"I gIve you IuII auIhorIIy Io do whaIever you wanI." He can decIde Ihe dower and
condIIIons because he has IuII auIhorIIy. "Anyone you wanI Io marry me Io,
Ihen I agree." A woman IoId IhIs Io AbdurRahman Ibn AwI, and he marrIed her
Io hImseII.

"I gIve you Ihe auIhorIIy Io marry me Io ." ThIs Is specIIIc and Ihe marrIage
cannoI be done Io anyone eIse.

Can Ihe commIssIoner Issue Ihe marrIage Ior hImseII7

CondIIIons oI Ihe commIssIoner: maIe, sane, physIcaI maIurIIy, Ireedom
The commIssIon musI be documenIed.

EssenIial RequiremenIs lor Ihe Marriage ConIracI

1. The wIInesses and Ihe pubIIcIIy oI Ihe marrIage

How many wIInesses musI Ihere be7
The wIsdom behInd IhIs condIIIon.
The PropheI (saI AIIahu aIayhI wa saIIam) saId, "There Is no marrIage wIIh a guardIan
and Iwo jusI wIInesses." |BayhaqI and TabaraanI]

The ruIIng In regards Io havIng Iwo wIInesses

MarrIage musI onIy be announced.
MarrIage musI be announced and made pubIIc regardIess oI havIng Iwo
wIInesses or noI. Imam MaaIIk, ahI aI hadeeIh.

Two wIInesses suIIIce wIIhouI IurIher announcemenI.
II Is obIIgaIory Io have Iwo wIInesses regardIess oI wheIher II was made pubIIc
or noI. Imam Ahmad (one opInIon), Imam Abu HanIIah, Imam Ash ShaII'ee, Ibn
MundhIr (ShaII'ee schoIar)

BoIh Ihe Iwo wIInesses and announcIng Io Ihe pubIIc are requIred. One opInIon
oI Imam Ahmad.

LIIher oI Ihe Iwo Is suIIIcIenI. HanabIIah opInIon.

Ibn TaymIyyah saId Ihere Is no prooI IhaI Ihe PropheI (saI AIIahu aIayhI wa saIIam)
asked Ior Iwo wIInesses when makIng Ihe marrIage conIracI. He saId Ihe hadeeIh Is
weak and does noI agree wIIh Ihe narraIIon sayIng Iwo wIInesses. ThIs edIIIon Is nnoo
and noI accepIabIe (a weak edIIIon). Based on IhIs, he saId IhaI onIy Ihe pubIIcIIy Is a
musI and noIhIng eIse Is needed. ThIs Is a sIrong argumenI.

4

CondIIIons oI Ihe WIIness
The marrIage conIracI Is accepIed wIIhouI Ihe Iwo wIInesses, buI II Is recommended Io
have Iwo wIInesses over Ihe deIaIIs so IhaI Ihere Is no dIspuIe (I.e. over Ihe mahar).
MusI Ihe Iwo wIInesses be maIe7 WhaI are Ihe condIIIons oI Ihe wIInesses7
MaIe. Abu HanIIah saId II Is accepIabIe II II Is one maIe and Iwo IemaIes, buI Ihe
oIhers saId no.
PhysIcaIIy maIure.
Sane. MenIaIIy maIure.
MusIIm.
Iree. Abu HanIIah, Ash ShaII'ee saId he musI be Iree, buI Imam Ahmad saId he
does noI.

PubIIcIzIng Ihe marrIage Is an obIIgaIIon
The PropheI (saI AIIahu aIayhI wa saIIam) saId, "Make Ihe marrIage weIIknown and
open." |TabaraanI]

There Is no secreI marrIage In IsIam. AIsha (radhI AIIahu 'anha) saId whaI Is
dIsIInguIshabIe In whaI Is a marrIage Is Ihe pIayIng oI Ihe duII and Ihe sIngIng.
Whenever Ihere Is a parIy and sIngIng and duIIs, Ihen Ihe marrIage Is accepIabIe.

The PropheI (saI AIIahu aIayhI wa saIIam) saId, "Announce Ihe weddIng." |Ahmad]

Do you have Io IeII everyone you goI marrIed (I.e. Ihrough Iacebook, TwIIIer, eIc.)7
UIema saId IhaI pubIIcIIy means IhaI II Is known In Ihe cIrcIe oI Ihe Iwo IamIIIes and Ihe
neIghbors. II Is noI aIIowed Io keep II a secreI.

Does pubIIcIIy mean IhaI marrIage cannoI be done wIIhouI a parIy7 No. A parIy Is jusI
recommended.

2. The dower (aImahar)

DeIInIIIon: II Is whaI Is gIven Io Ihe brIde by Ihe groom.
The dowry Is Ihe rIghI oI Ihe brIde onIy.

AIIah (subhanahu waIa'aIa) caIIed IhIs dower wIIh unIque words: :ndnnq, whIch comes
Irom sIdq meanIng IruIh. II shows how IruIhIuI and serIous Ihe man Is. II shows how
commIIIed he Is. Some uIema saId IhaI because oI IhIs meanIng, Ihe dower musI have
vaIue, and eIIorI musI be puI InIo II. MarrIage Is a IInancIaI responsIbIIIIy.

Maher Is whaI you gIve ouI oI your Iree wIII. The mahar shouId be gIven Io Ihe brIde
and noI Io her IamIIy. WhaI abouI Ihe sIory oI Musa and hIs IaIherInIaw IakIng servIce
Irom Musa as a dower7 LegIsIaIIon and ruIes oI naIIons beIore us do noI appIy Io us
unIess II Is menIIoned In Ihe Quran and Sunnah. AIso, II couId be a precondIIIon and
noI a mahar. II Is Ihe brIde's rIghI because AIIah (subhanahu waIa'aIa) saId, ".gIve Ihe
woman." In Ihe days oI jahIIIyyah, Ihe parenIs wouId keep Ihe dower Ior IhemseIves.
AIIah (subhanahu waIa'aIa) saId IhaI IhIs Is noI aIIowed.

And gIve Ihe women |upon marrIage] IheIr |brIdaI] gIIIs gracIousIy. BuI II Ihey gIve up
wIIIIngIy Io you anyIhIng oI II, Ihen Iake II In saIIsIacIIon and ease. |4:4]

"And |aIso prohIbIIed Io you are aII] marrIed women excepI Ihose your rIghI hands
possess. |ThIs Is] Ihe decree oI AIIah upon you. And IawIuI Io you are |aII oIhers] beyond
Ihese, |provIded] IhaI you seek Ihem |In marrIage] wIIh |gIIIs Irom] your properIy,
desIrIng chasIIIy, noI unIawIuI sexuaI InIercourse. So Ior whaIever you enjoy oI

marrIage] Irom Ihem, gIve Ihem IheIr due compensaIIon as an obIIgaIIon. And Ihere Is
no bIame upon you Ior whaI you muIuaIIy agree Io beyond Ihe obIIgaIIon. Indeed, AIIah
Is ever KnowIng and WIse." |4:24]

"And Ihere Is no bIame upon you II you marry Ihem when you have gIven Ihem IheIr due
compensaIIon." |60:10]

CondIIIons oI Ihe dower
PurIIy (I.e. no aIcohoI, eIc.) Imam Abu HanIIah dIsagreed wIIh IhIs, buI IhIs Is Ihe
opInIon oI Ihe vasI majorIIy.
Has vaIue
ThIs cannoI be 'Iove'.
Can be deIIvered
Known

Imam MaaIIk and ShaII'ee consIdered Ihe marrIage IncompIeIe wIIhouI Ihe dower.

The ruIIng oI Ihe dower
There Is dIIIerence oI opInIon. QurIubI saId, "There Is no one amongsI Ihe MusIIm
schoIars who debaIed Ihe obIIgaIIon oI Ihe dower In Ihe hIsIory oI IsIam, buI Ihey may
dIIIer on wheIher II Is a pIIIar oI Ihe marrIage conIracI or noI."

The PropheI (saI AIIahu aIayhI wa saIIam) saId, "Search Ior someIhIng even II II jusI be a
rIng made oI Iron." |BukharI and MusIIm]

The PropheI (saI AIIahu aIayhI wa saIIam) IoId AII (radhI AIIahu 'anhu) Io gIve dower
even II II Is jusI hIs shIeId used Ior war because he dId noI have anyIhIng.

"There Is no bIame upon you II you dIvorce women you have noI Iouched nor specIIIed
Ior Ihem an obIIgaIIon. BuI gIve Ihem |a gIII oI] compensaIIon Ihe weaIIhy accordIng
Io hIs capabIIIIy and Ihe poor accordIng Io hIs capabIIIIy - a provIsIon accordIng Io whaI
Is accepIabIe, a duIy upon Ihe doers oI good." |2:236]

The maxImum and mInImum oI dower
There Is consensus as Imam AI QurIubI saId IhaI Ihere Is no maxImum. In Ihe hIsIory,
Ihere have been very hIgh dowers. In Ihe 14
Ih
cenIury, IsabeIIa Irom was Ihe daughIer oI
Ihe kIng oI Irance who was In jaII. An IIaIIan prInce asked Ior her hand, and she saId
IhaI her dowry was Io reIease her IaIher Irom jaII. She was puI In Ihe scaIe, and her
weIghI was muIIIpIIed by 100 IImes, and he had Io pay IhaI In goId. The man dId IhIs.

AIsha (radhI AIIahu 'anha) was asked whaI Ihe mahar IhaI Ihe PropheI (saI AIIahu aIayhI
wa saIIam) oIIered, and she saId S00 dIrhams, whIch was a moderaIe amounI oI money
aI IhaI IIme. MosI oI hIs wIves were S00 dIrhams. Umm HabIbah was Ihe daughIer oI
Abu SuIyan, and her IaIher was a rIch man, and her mahar was 4,000 dIrhams. She
receIved IhIs Iarge amounI oI money because Ihe KIng oI AbyssInIa paId Ior IhIs.

Some say IhaI mahar Is accordIng Io Ihe cusIom and cuIIure buI shouId noI be
exaggeraIed. LxIravaganI dowers are a bad pracIIce

Abu HanIIah saId IhaI Ihe mInImum Is 10 dIrhams. In modern days, IhIs Is a Iew
doIIars. He dId noI base hIs opInIon on soIId evIdence whIch Is why II was noI IaIer
commonIy adopIed.

6

OIher schoIars saId II Is anyIhIng caIIed money or weaIIh even II II Is a doIIar, Ihen II Is
accepIabIe. ThIs Is Ihe opInIon oI: ShaII'ees, Abu Thawr, AI Hasan AI BasrI, DhahIrIs.
AIIah saId, "...II you seek marrIage wIIh your money."

AnoIher opInIon Is IhaI II Is anyIhIng wIIh vaIue, noI necessarIIy money. LxampIes:
servIce. A man came Io Ihe PropheI (saI AIIahu aIayhI wa saIIam) and saId he wanIed Io
marry a woman buI had noIhIng Io oIIer, and Ihe PropheI (saI AIIahu aIayhI wa saIIam)
saId hIaI he wouId marry hIm Io her Ior whaI he has oI Ihe Quran. He had memorIzed
Surah AI Baqarah. He was marrIed Io her In order Ior hIm Io Ieach her Quran. AIso, Ihe
sIory oI Musa. AIso, Umm SuIaym's mahar was her husband embracIng IsIam. ThIs
opInIon Is noI very sIrong versus Ihe opInIon oI Ihe majorIIy. Why7
1) The Quran severaI IImes menIIons money.
2) The concepI oI mahar Is someIhIng IhaI has vaIue and someIhIng IhaI Ihe woman
can reIy on In Ihe case oI dIvorce. II Is someIhIng IangIbIe.
3) As Ior Ihe hadeeIh oI Ihe PropheI (saI AIIahu aIayhI wa saIIam), he dId noI say
IhaI IhIs was her mahar, buI he Is sayIng IhaI he wIII marry Ihe man Io her
because oI whaI he had oI Ihe Quran. The mahar couId be IaIer agreed upon.
There Is noIhIng In Ihe hadeeIh suggesIIng II was Ihe mahar. AIso, IhIs Is one
specIIIc IncIdenI. There are severaI oIher IncIdenIs. AII (radhI AIIahu 'anhu)
memorIzed Quran, and Ihe PropheI (saI AIIahu aIayhI wa saIIam) IoId hIm Io gIve
her someIhIng oI vaIue. ThIs was a specIIIc case and cannoI be generaIIzed.
Umm SuIaym's case was In Ihe earIy parI oI IsIam. AIso, Ihe PropheI (saI AIIahu
aIayhI wa saIIam) IIrsI Iound ouI IhaI Ihe man had noIhIng and Ihen saId he
wouId marry hIm Ior whaI he has memorIzed oI Ihe Quran.

"BuI II you wanI Io repIace one wIIe wIIh anoIher and you have gIven one oI Ihem a
greaI amounI |In gIIIs], do noI Iake |back] Irom II anyIhIng. WouId you Iake II In
InjusIIce and manIIesI sIn7" |4:20]

"And Ihere Is no bIame upon you Ior whaI you muIuaIIy agree Io beyond Ihe obIIgaIIon.
Indeed, AIIah Is ever KnowIng and WIse." |4:24]

"Umm SuIaym accepIed Abu TaIhah's embracIng oI IsIam as her mahar." |NIsa'I]

Do noI commII Io a mahar you cannoI pay.

When Is Ihe woman enIIIIed Io her enIIre dower7
The PropheI (saI AIIahu aIayhI wa saIIam) saId, "II any woman marrIes herseII wIIhouI
Ihe permIssIon oI her waII, Ihen her marrIage Is voId, Ihen her marrIage Is voId, Ihen her
marrIage Is voId. II he consummaIed, she Is enIIIIed Io Ihe mahar IhaI wouId have
prIvaIe parIs IawIuI Ior hIm." |Ahmad]

II Ihe marrIage Is compIeIe and correcI and has been consummaIed, Ihen she Is enIIIIed
Io Ihe IuII mahar.

AccordIng Io Ihe majorIIy oI Ihe schoIars: II she was aIone wIIh hIm In one pIace even
wIIhouI InIercourse, Ihen she Is enIIIIed Io Ihe mahar. Ibn Abbas dIsagreed wIIh IhIs
and saId II Is onIy II Ihey have InIercourse.

When Is Ihe woman enIIIIed Io haII oI her dower7
She marrIes a man, buI Ihey are dIvorced beIore consummaIIng Ihe marrIage.

When does Ihe woman Iose aII her rIghI Io Ihe mahar7
The woman dIvorces Ihe man.


"And II you dIvorce Ihem beIore you have Iouched Ihem and you have aIready specIIIed
Ior Ihem an obIIgaIIon, Ihen |gIve] haII oI whaI you specIIIed unIess Ihey Iorego Ihe
rIghI or Ihe one In whose hand Is Ihe marrIage conIracI Ioregoes II. And Io Iorego II Is
nearer Io rIghIeousness. And do noI IorgeI gracIousness beIween you. Indeed AIIah, oI
whaIever you do, Is SeeIng." |2:237]

DIvIdIng Ihe dower
ThIs Is aIIowed. II can be Iaken In InsIaIImenIs.


The brIde payIng dowry Io Ihe groom Is an unIsIamIc pracIIce.
In some MusIIm cuIIures, a man says a mahar buI never pays II. The PropheI (saI AIIahu
aIayhI wa saIIam) saId "II someone marrIes a woman and promIses her a dowry and
never gIves II Io her, Ihen he wIII meeI AIIah as a IornIcaIor. Whoever Iakes a Ioan and
never InIends Io gIve II back, Ihen he wIII meeI AIIah as a IhIeI."

WhaI II someone marrIes wIIhouI menIIonIng a mahar7 In IhIs case, he Is enIIIIed Io
gIve you a mahar sImIIar Io whaI your IamIIy members receIved or sImIIar Io whaI Is a
common pracIIce In your cuIIure. The prooI: DurIng Ihe IIme oI Ihe PropheI (saI AIIahu
aIayhI wa saIIam) a companIon upon hIs deaIh saId IhaI Ihe PropheI (saI AIIahu aIayhI
wa saIIam) marrIed hIm Io a woman Ior a cerIaIn amounI, and he asked IhaI II be paId Io
her.

CondiIions IhaI musI exisI belore perlorming Ihe marriage conIracI

1. MuIuaI consenI
A IaIher cannoI Iorce hIs daughIer InIo marrIage, and such a marrIage wouId be InvaIId.

The PropheI (saI AIIahu aIayhI wa saIIam) annuIIed Ihe marrIage oI AI Khansaa' AI
AnsaarIyyah, who was a dIvorced woman, because her IaIher marrIed her oII wIIhouI
her consenI. |BukharI]

The PropheI (saI AIIahu aIayhI wa saIIam) IoId a IaIher who was compIaInIng abouI hIs
daughIer's reIusaI oI suIIors: Do noI marry her wIIhouI her consenI. |An NIsa'I]

A woman who was a vIrgIn came Io Ihe PropheI (saI AIIahu aIayhI wa saIIam) and saId
IhaI her IaIher had Iorced her InIo a marrIage she dIsIIked. The PropheI (saI AIIahu
aIayhI wa saIIam) gave her Ihe choIce oI sIayIng In Ihe marrIage or nuIIIIyIng II.

II Is agreed upon IhaI II a dIvorced woman Is marrIed wIIhouI her consenI, Ihen Ihe
marrIage conIracI Is InvaIId and musI be done agaIn. II a vIrgIn woman who was never
marrIed beIore was marrIed wIIhouI her consenI, Ihen she has Ihe opIIon Io agree Io Ihe
conIracI or dIsagree wIIh II and nuIIIIy II. Why7 Because oI Ihe hadeeIh oI Ihe PropheI
(saI AIIahu aIayhI wa saIIam) gIvIng Ihe woman Ihe opIIon. Because oI IhIs hadeeIh, Ihe
uIema dIIIerenIIaIe beIween a woman who was marrIed beIore and a woman who was
noI. ThIs Is Ihe opInIon oI Imam Ash ShaII'ee.

Ibn TaymIyyah saId none oI Ihe parenIs shouId Iorce IheIr chIId Io marry and II Is
IorbIdden In IsIam. He saId IhaI II Is IIke IorcIng Ihem Io eaI Iood IhaI Ihey dIsIIke.
8


2. The suIIabIe maIch (AI KaIaa'ah)
AI kaIaa'ah means IhaI Ihe husband Is equaI Io Ihe wIIe or hIgher In sIaIus In cerIaIn
areas. The uIema agreed IhaI IhIs ruIe appIIes onIy Io Ihe husband and noI Ihe wIIe.
The husband musI be quaIIIIed Ior hIs wIIe. Lvery wIIe oI Ihe PropheI (saI AIIahu aIayhI
wa saIIam) was Iower In sIaIus Io hIm. The man musI be equaI In sIaIus In cerIaIn areas.
Ash ShaII'ee was very sIrIcI abouI IhIs. The HanabIIah were aIso sIrIcI abouI IhIs.
SchoIars dIIIered on whIch areas Ihe suIIabIIIIy musI exIsI.

you are pIeased wIIh comes Io you Io marry your daughIer, Ihen marry her oII Io hIm.
II you don'I do so, Ihere wIII be IrIbuIaIIon on Ihe earIh and a greaI deaI oI evII."
|TIrmIdhI]

"LvII women are Ior evII men and evII men are Ior evII women. And good women are Ior
good men, and good men are Ior good women. Those |good peopIe] are decIared
InnocenI oI whaI Ihey |I.e., sIanderers] say. Ior Ihem Is IorgIveness and nobIe
provIsIon." |24:26]

you are pIeased wIIh comes Io you Io marry your daughIer, Ihen marry her oII Io hIm. II
you don'I do so, Ihere wIII be IrIbuIaIIon on Ihe LarIh and a greaI deaI oI evII." |TIrmIdhI]

The PropheI (saI AIIahu aIayhI wa saIIam) saId, "Choose Ihe moIhers oI your chIIdren.
Marry Ihe suIIabIe ones, and ask Ihem Io marry Irom your IamIIy." |Ibn Maajah]

DeIInIIIon oI a suIIabIe maIch

LInguIsIIc deIInIIIon: sImIIarIIy and equaIIIy.
TechnIcaI deIInIIIon: ThaI Ihe husband Is equaI Io Ihe wIIe or hIgher In sIaIus In cerIaIn
areas.

To whom Is suIIabIIIIy soughI: Ihe brIde or groom7

ConsIderIng Ihe quaIIIIes oI suIIabIIIIy:
IaIIh
OnIy excepIIon: a ChrIsIIan or |ewIsh woman. A man who dIsobeys AIIah
(subhanahu waIa'aIa) openIy who proposes Io a rIghIeous gIrI shouId noI be
marrIed Io her because Ihey are noI suIIabIe.
Imam Ahmad IoId a man noI Io marry hIs daughIer Io an InnovaIor.
Imam MaaIIk, ShaII'ee, Ahmad, Abu HanIIah, AIh ThawrI aII saId IhaI IhIs musI
be Iooked aI. ThIs means IhaI II a woman agrees Io a man, buI Ihen she IInds
ouI IhaI he Is commIIIIng IahIshah, Ihen she can go Io Ihe courI and say IhaI
Ihere Is no suIIabIIIIy Ior her because she Is rIghIeous. In IhIs case, she has a
vaIId reason Io break Ihe marrIage, and she does noI need Io gIve back Ihe
mahar. She Is enIIIIed Io IInancIaI supporI.

LIneage and eIhnIcIIy
II a woman Irom ahI aI bayI Is marrIed, Ihen she shouId noI marry someone oI
Iess Ihan her IeveI (I.e. someone wIIhouI IamIIy IIneage or someone nonIrIbaI).
Imam ShaII'ee Iook IhIs opInIon. HanaIIs and HanbaIIs and some oI Ihe MaIIkIs
aIso Iook IhIs opInon. VasI majorIIy oI Iour madhahIb agreed wIIh IhIs.
However, IhIs Is noI a sIrong opInIon. Ibn Hajar (ShaII'ee schoIar) dIsagreed wIIh
hIs own shaykh abouI IhIs and saId IhaI a man can marry a gIrI Irom hIgh socIaI
9

sIaIus because Ihe PropheI (saI AIIahu aIayhI wa saIIam) IoId IaIIma bInI Qays
noI Io marry Mu'awIyah who was Irom a nobIe IrIbe and IoId her Io marry a man
who was IormerIy a sIave. IaIIma was Irom a very nobIe Arab IrIbe.
The PropheI (saI AIIahu aIayhI wa saIIam) saId, "II someone whose reIIgIon and
characIer you are pIeased wIIh comes Io you Io marry your daughIer, Ihen marry
her oII Io hIm. II you don'I do so, Ihere wIII be IrIbuIaIIon on Ihe earIh and a
greaI deaI oI evII." |TIrmIdhI]
SchoIars saId Ihe PropheI (saI AIIahu aIayhI wa saIIam) marrIed Zaynab bInI
|ahsh Irom Ihe IrIbe oI BanI Asad Io Zayd Ibn HaarIIh who was a sIave.

WeaIIh
AIIah (subhanahu waIa'aIa) In Surah An Nur v. 32 saId, "Marry your daughIer Io
Ihose who are quaIIIIed. II Ihey are poor, AIIah wIII supporI Ihem." BukharI
reporIed IhaI Ihe PropheI (saI AIIahu aIayhI wa saIIam) saId IhaI a rIghIeous,
poor person Is beIIer Ihan rIch, evIIdoers.

ProIessIon
SchoIars saId IhaI II a woman comes Irom a nobIe IamIIy, Ihen she cannoI marry
someone wIIh a Iow job. AgaIn, IhIs Is noI accepIabIe In every cuIIure and Ihere
Is noI a 'Iow job.' A haIaI job shouId be respecIed.
The PropheI (saI AIIahu aIayhI wa saIIam) saId, "BanI Bayadah |rIch Arab IrIbe]
marry Abu HInd |a man who wouId shave peopIe's heads.]"

Soundness
LxampIe: a gIrI Is very heaIIhy and In good condIIIon and young, and a man
comes Io her who Is In a poor sIaIe oI heaIIh, Ihen she has Ihe rIghI Io ask Ior
dIvorce because Ihere Is no suIIabIIIIy.

Age

Ireedom
BarIra was a sIave and when she became Iree, she IeI her husband go because he
was sIIII a sIave.

HeaIIh condIIIons

These gIve Ihe woman Ihe abIIIIy Io end Ihe marrIage II Ihere Is no suIIabIIIIy. The more
sImIIarIIy, Ihe more IIkeIy Ihe marrIage wIII be successIuI.

Is aIkaIaa'ah a condIIIon Ior Ihe vaIIdIIy oI a marrIage conIracI7 No. II gIves her Ihe
opporIunIIy IaIer on Io use IhIs.

A woman comes aIIer havIng Iwo chIIdren and says IhaI she wanIs a dIvorce because oI
no suIIabIIIIy. She says IhaI her husband Ior Ihe IasI Iew years has noI been makIng
very much money or she says her husband Is Irom a dIIIerenI IrIbe. ThIs Is noI aIIowed
because she knew abouI IhIs beIore and accepIed II. II she dId noI know oI Ihe Iack oI
suIIabIIIIy beIore Ihe marrIage and IaIer Iound ouI, Ihen II Is accepIed.

3. Iree oI Ihe hIndrances IhaI IorbId Ihe marrIage

MarryIng In Ihe sIaIe oI Ihram

Ihram means IhaI a person has pronounced hIs InIenIIon IhaI he Is goIng Io sIarI Hajj or
Umrah.
60


The PropheI (saI AIIahu aIayhI wa saIIam) saId, "The one who Is In Ihe sIaIe oI Ihram
shouId noI marry or gIve someone InIo marrIage nor engaged." |MusIIm]

Ibn Abbas reporIed IhaI Ihe PropheI (saI AIIahu aIayhI wa saIIam) marrIed Maymoonah
when he was In a sIaIe oI Ihram. |BukharI and MusIIm]

Is IhIs a conIradIcIIon7 The vasI majorIIy oI Ihe MusIIm schoIars saId IhaI II Is noI
aIIowed Io marry In a sIaIe oI Ihram, and II II Is done, Ihen Ihe marrIage Is InvaIId. ThIs
Is Ihe opInIon oI Umar, AII, Zayd Ibn ThaabII. OIher schoIars (Imam ShaII'ee, Ahmad,
MaaIIk) saId IhaI II Is aIIowed. Imam Abu HanIIah and schoIars Irom AI KuIa saId II Is
aIIowed Io marry whIIe In a sIaIe oI Ihram and use Ihe hadeeIh oI Ibn Abbas as prooI.

How do Ihe vasI majorIIy oI schoIars respond Io Imam Abu HanIIah and Ihe hadeeIh oI
Ibn Abbas7 Ibn Abbas IhoughI IhaI Ihe PropheI (saI AIIahu aIayhI wa saIIam) marrIed
her whIIe In Ihe sIaIe oI Ihram, buI Ihere Is a narraIIon In SahIh MusIIm IhaI Ihe PropheI
(saI AIIahu aIayhI wa saIIam) marrIed Maymoonah In MadInah beIore IeavIng Ior Hajj.
Ibn Abbas IhoughI IhaI Ihe PropheI (saI AIIahu aIayhI wa saIIam) marrIed her durIng Ihe
Hajj journey because he saw her wIIh hIm durIng Ihe Hajj. AIso, Imam MaaIIk reporIed
IhaI Ihe PropheI (saI AIIahu aIayhI wa saIIam) marrIed her beIore IeavIng MadInah Ior
Hajj.

UIema saId IhaI 'sIaIe oI Ihram' means In Ihe Iand oI Makkah and noI whIIe wearIng Ihe
Ihram. Some schoIars saId IhaI Ihe hadeeIh where Ihe PropheI (saI AIIahu aIayhI wa
saIIam) made a sIaIemenI (do noI marry whIIe In a sIaIe oI Ihram) Iakes precedence over
acIIons because Ihere may be an acIIon he onIy Is aIIowed Io do.

Some schoIars responded: II Is noI haram, and Ihe PropheI (saI AIIahu aIayhI wa saIIam)
dId II Io show us IhaI II Is noI recommended buI noI haram.

MarryIng a woman who Is In her 'Iddah
'Iddah Is Ihe waIIIng perIod aIIer dIvorce or aIIer deaIh.

There Is no bIame upon you Ior IhaI Io whIch you |IndIrecIIy] aIIude concernIng a
proposaI Io women or Ior whaI you conceaI wIIhIn yourseIves. AIIah knows IhaI you wIII
have Ihem In mInd. BuI do noI promIse Ihem secreIIy excepI Ior sayIng a proper sayIng.
And do noI deIermIne Io underIake a marrIage conIracI unIII Ihe decreed perIod reaches
IIs end. And know IhaI AIIah knows whaI Is wIIhIn yourseIves, so beware oI HIm. And
know IhaI AIIah Is IorgIvIng and IorbearIng. |2:23S]

II Is IorbIdden Io marry a woman whIIe In her 'Iddah.

WhaI Is Ihe ruIIng II someone marrIes a woman who Is In her 'Iddah7
II Is haram and a major sIn. II someone has done II, Ihen Ihe ruIIng Is:
1. SeparaIe Ihem ImmedIaIeIy
2. In IhIs case, accordIng Io Ihe majorIIy oI MusIIm schoIars, IaIwa oI Umar II Ihe
marrIage Is consummaIed, Ihen Ihey are separaIed, and Ihe woman has Io have
Iwo 'Iddahs: one Irom Ihe IIrsI husband and Irom Ihe second husband. AIIer
she has IInIshed Ihe Iwo waIIIng perIods, can Ihey marry each oIher or noI7
Umar (radhI AIIahu 'anhu)'s opInIon Is IhaI Ihey wIII never marry each oIher
agaIn Iorever. ThIs Is Ihe madhab oI Imam MaaIIk and AI Awza'I and LayIh Ibn
Saad and Imam MaaIIk In one narraIIon.
AII (radhI AIIahu 'anhu), AbduIIah Ibn Masud, AI Hasan AI BasrI, Ash ShaII'ee,
Abu HanIIah aII dIsagreed and saId IhaI Ihey can marry each oIher aIIer IInIshIng
61

Ihe waIIIng perIods because AIIah (subhanahu waIa'aIa) dId noI menIIon IhIs In
Ihe Quran when menIIonIng Ihe woman who are IorbIdden Io marry. Umar
(radhI AIIahu 'anhu) was gIvIng a Iorm oI punIshmenI and noI IegIsIaIIon.

Placing PrerequisiIes in Ihe Marriage ConIracI

The ruIIng oI havIng prerequIsIIes In Ihe marrIage conIracI oIher Ihan whaI Is In Ihe
SharI'ah.

CondIIIons can be puI In marrIage conIracIs because II Is IIke oIher conIracIs. Abu
HanIIah, ShaII'ee, and MaaIIk saId IhaI condIIIons cannoI be puI because Ihe PropheI (saI
AIIahu aIayhI wa saIIam) saId any condIIIon noI In Ihe Book oI AIIah Is voId |reporIed In
BukharI] and MusIIms musI abIde by condIIIons and sIIpuIaIIons excepI someIhIng IhaI
makes Ihe permIssIbIe ImpermIssIbIe and Ihe ImpermIssIbIe permIssIbIe. They saId IhaI
Ihere cannoI be any condIIIon.

The HanabIIah dId noI Iake IhIs posIIIon. They saId IhaI II IhIs menIaIIIy Is goIng Io be
used, Ihen Ihere cannoI be any condIIIon In any conIracI. They saId: no one Is makIng
haIaI or haram, buI II Is a condIIIon beIween Ihe husband and Ihe wIIe. The PropheI (saI
AIIahu aIayhI wa saIIam) saId Ihe condIIIon you have Ihe mosI duIy Io IuIIIII are Ihose
IhaI make permIssIbIe Ior you sexuaI conIacI wIIh a woman. ThereIore, Ihere can be
condIIIons In Ihe marrIage conIracI.

"|Those who] IuIIIII IheIr promIse when Ihey promIse; and |Ihose who] are paIIenI In
poverIy and hardshIp and durIng baIIIe... and II Is Ihose who are Ihe rIghIeous." |2:177]

The PropheI (saI AIIahu aIayhI wa saIIam) saId, "Indeed, Ihe condIIIons IhaI are Ihe mosI
worIhy oI IuIIIIImenI are Ihe ones whIch you sIIpuIaIe Io make InIercourse wIIh women
IawIuI Io you." |BukharI and MusIIm]

"O you who have beIIeved, IuIIIII |aII] conIracIs." |S:1]

The uIema saId Ihere are Iwo Iypes oI condIIIons.

VaIId sIIpuIaIIons IhaI are obIIgaIory Io be IuIIIIIed
LxampIes: A IaIher can gIve Ihe condIIIon IhaI a man IreaIs hIs daughIer wIIh kIndness,
and II he abuses her, Ihen she wIII ImmedIaIeIy Iaken away Irom hIm. A condIIIon couId
be IIvIng In a cerIaIn cIIy. II II Is agreed upon, Ihen II musI be IuIIIIIed. She can dIvorce
a man II Ihe condIIIon Is noI meI.

The PropheI (saI AIIahu aIayhI wa saIIam) saId, "MusIIms musI acI upon IheIr
sIIpuIaIIons |IhaI Ihey have seI down]." |Abu Dawood]

InvaIId sIIpuIaIIons
NuIIIIy Ihe marrIage conIracI , noI nuIIIIy Ihe marrIage conIracI.
"The PropheI (saI AIIahu aIayhI wa saIIam) saId, "Any sIIpuIaIIon IhaI Is noI In Ihe Book
oI AIIah Is voId, even II II be one hundred such sIIpuIaIIons." |BukharI and MusIIm]

WhaI nuIIIIIes Ihe marrIage conIracI7
A condIIIon IhaI nuIIIIIes Ihe meanIng oI Ihe marrIage conIracI: 'I marry you buI you
are noI aIIowed Io have sexuaI conIracI.' The enIIre conIracI IaIIs aparI. II a car Is soId
wIIh Ihe condIIIon IhaI Ihe person cannoI rIde In II, Ihen II Is InvaIId. The condIIIon oI
marryIng IhaI Ihere wIII be no chIIdren InvaIIdaIes Ihe conIracI.

62

WhaI wIII noI nuIIIIy Ihe marrIage conIracI7
LxampIe: you cannoI sIop me Irom IIsIenIng Io musIc, you cannoI ask me Io wear hIjab,
you cannoI ask me Io quII my job.

II IhIs Is agreed upon, Ihen Ihe condIIIon Is InvaIId, and Ihe person Is noI enIIIIed Io II.
II Is as II IhIs condIIIon does noI exIsI. The condIIIon can be puI In Ihe conIracI, buI Ihe
condIIIon wIII be voId and dropped.

WhaI abouI Ihe condIIIon: "I puI Ihe condIIIon IhaI you do noI marry anoIher woman"7
ThIs Is noI aIIowed Io puI IhIs condIIIon In.
Lvery woman has Ihe rIghI noI Io have a cowIIe, and she can ask Ior a dIvorce. The
PropheI (saI AIIahu aIayhI wa saIIam) puI IhIs condIIIon on AII when he marrIed IaIIma
IhaI he cannoI marry anoIher woman whIIe he Is marrIed Io IaIIma. WhaI II a man does
noI wanI Io IuIIIII Ihe condIIIon7 The marrIage conIracI Is sIIII correcI, buI she has Ihe
rIghI Io dIvorce and keep aII oI her IInancIaI rIghIs. WhaI II she never menIIoned II and
does noI IIke II and wanIs a dIvorce7 She Ioses her IInancIaI rIghIs and musI gIve back
Ihe mahar.

II Is beIIer noI Io puI IhIs In Ihe conIracI because II Is someIhIng IhaI AIIah (subhanahu
waIa'aIa) aIIowed.

Can a IaIher puI In Ihe conIracI IhaI Ihe husband Is noI aIIowed Io have InIImacy wIIh
hIs daughIer unIII Ihe day oI Ihe weddIng7 Yes, he can, buI II Ihey do IhaI, Ihen II does
noI InvaIIdaIe Ihe conIracI, buI Ihey have commIIIed a sIn because Ihey have broken a
promIse.

ProhibiIed and QuesIionable Marriage ConIracIs

1. NIkkah Ash ShIghaar
ThIs marrIage Is when a man oIIers hIs daughIer Io anoIher man In exchange Ior IhaI
oIher man's daughIer In marrIage wIIh neIIher oI Ihe women receIvIng IheIr mahar.
There Is no dowry. ThIs Is IorbIdden.

|aabIr reporIed IhaI Ihe PropheI (saI AIIahu aIayhI wa saIIam) prohIbIIed Ash ShIghaar.
|BukharI]

2. NIkkah AI Mu'Iah "IIxed IIme marrIage Ior pIeasure"
II Is a marrIage IhaI Is expIIcIIIy agreed upon Io be Ior a IIxed perIod oI IIme.

ThIs Is IorbIdden. The purpose oI IhIs marrIage Is Ior pIeasure and noI Ior IamIIy.
When Ihe IIme comes, Ihe marrIage conIracI comes Io Ihe end. The ShI'a pracIIce IhIs.
There Is one narraIIon IhaI Ibn Abbas aIIowed II, buI he dId noI know II was haram, and
when he Iound ouI II was haram, he changed hIs sIaIemenI.

ThIs was one oI Ihe common marrIages In Ihe socIeIy durIng IhaI IIme. A Iew years
beIore Ihe deaIh oI Ihe PropheI (saI AIIahu aIayhI wa saIIam), he announced IhaI aI
mu'Iah was IorbIdden.

AII Ibn AbI TaIIb reporIed IhaI Ihe PropheI (saI AIIahu aIayhI wa saIIam) prohIbIIed aI
MuIah. |AI BukharI and MusIIm]

6!

3. NIkkah AI TahIeeI
The marrIage Iakes pIace wIIh Ihe InIenIIon oI makIng a woman who was dIvorced Ihree
IImes haIaI Ior her prevIous husband.

MarryIng wIIh Ihe InIenIIon oI makIng a woman IawIuI Ior her exhusband who dIvorced
her Ihree IImes. ThIs Is IorbIdden, and Ihe vasI majorIIy oI schoIars saId IhaI IhIs Is
IorbIdden and Ihe PropheI (saI AIIahu aIayhI wa saIIam) cursed such person.

The person who does IhIs Is caIIed 'Ihe used donkey , muIe' or Ihe 'borrowed maIe
goaI.' ThIs descrIpIIon Is noI Irom Ihe PropheI (saI AIIahu aIayhI wa saIIam).

4. MarryIng wIIh Ihe InIenIIon oI dIvorce
ThIs occurs when a man marrIes a woman wIIh Ihe InIenIIon oI dIvorcIng her wIIhouI
menIIonIng IhIs InIenIIon Io her or In Ihe conIracI.

The man never dIscIosed IhIs or IoId Ihe woman. LxampIe: someone sIudyIng In
anoIher sIaIe who wanIs Io dIvorce her aIIer IInIshIng hIs sIudIes.

LveryIhIng In Ihe marrIage Is correcI excepI Ihe InIenIIon. The vasI majorIIy oI schoIars
saId IhaI II Is a correcI marrIage conIracI, buI he commIIIed a sIn by havIng IhIs bad
InIenIIon. II boIh peopIe have Ihe InIenIIon, Ihen II Is InvaIId.

WhaI Is Ihe dIIIerence beIween IhIs marrIage and aImu'Iah7 In aImu'Iah, II Is specIIIed
when Ihe marrIage Is endIng. In aImu'Iah marrIage, aIIer Ihe IIme specIIIed arrIves, Ihe
marrIage ends and Ihere cannoI be an exIensIon. In IhIs Iype oI marrIage, II Ihe man
decIdes Io keep hIs wIIe, a new conIracI Is noI needed. In aImu'Iah marrIage, Ihe
woman does noI InherII. In IhIs marrIage, she Is a compIeIe wIIe and InherIIs.

S. UrII marrIage
SecreI marrIage: IhIs Is IorbIdden and noI vaIId. ThIs Is a Iorm oI aduIIery.
UndocumenIed marrIage
MarryIng wIIhouI a waII or wIInesses

6. Zawaaj AI MIsyaar
A woman gIves up parI oI her rIghIs. ThIs Is aIIowed II Ihe woman gIves parI oI her
rIghIs.

WhaI Is Ihe ruIIng In regards Io cIvII marrIages In Ihe courI oI a nonMusIIm counIry7
CIvII courIs have oIIerIng and accepIance, no waII, no mahar. ThereIore, II Is noI good
enough and musI be done IsIamIcaIIy. ThIs Is Ihe documenIaIIon Ior Ihe purpose oI Ihe
governmenI. The marrIage musI meeI aII oI Ihe pIIIars.

AIIer Ihe marrIage conIracI and beIore Ihe consummaIIon oI Ihe marrIage, whaI Is Ihe
rIghI oI Ihe husband versus Ihe parenIs7
ThIs depends based on Ihe cusIom and cuIIure. II Ihe cusIom Is IhaI she Is Ihe
daughIer, Ihen In IhIs case, she respecIs Ihe cuIIure and Is noI enIIIIed Io IInancIaI
supporI or sexuaI needs. II Ihe IaIher IeIIs Ihe daughIer noI Io consummaIe Ihe
marrIage, Ihen she shouId respecI II, buI Ihere Is no sIn II Ihey do consummaIe Ihe
marrIage. WhaI II Ihe IaIher and Ihe husband dIsagree wIIh someIhIng7 The ruIe goes
Io Ihe IaIher because she Is sIIII under hIs house. ThIs Issue Is debaIabIe and noI
dIscussed by Ihe MusIIm jurIsIs.

64

The Wedding

WaIeemah

The PropheI (saI AIIahu aIayhI wa saIIam) saId, "A weddIng musI have a IeasI." |Ahmad
and AI TabaranI] ThIs Is one Iorm oI pubIIcIzIng Ihe marrIage.

The PropheI (saI AIIahu aIayhI wa saIIam) asked AbdurRahman Ibn AwI when he was
dressed up II he had jusI been marrIed, and he repIIed yes. The PropheI (saI AIIahu
aIayhI wa saIIam) IoId hIm IhaI he shouId have a IeasI even II he onIy oIIered one sheep.
|BukharI and MusIIm]

When Ihe PropheI (saI AIIahu aIayhI wa saIIam) marrIed SaIIyyah, he oIIered Iood buI II
was noI meaI. The PropheI (saI AIIahu aIayhI wa saIIam) when he marrIed Zaynab
oIIered sheep. The PropheI (saI AIIahu aIayhI wa saIIam) In anoIher narraIIon oIIered a
Iype oI cookIe made oI drIed mIIk and wheaI. Sheep was Ihe besI Iype oI meaI Ihey had
aI IhaI IIme. II a person wanIed Io have oIher Iood aI a parIy, Ihen II Is IIne.

The ruIIng concernIng Ihe waIeemah
The vasI majorIIy oI schoIars saId IhaI II Is waajIb Io have a waIeemah II you can oIIer
II. TheIr evIdence Is IhaI Ihe PropheI (saI AIIahu aIayhI wa saIIam) ordered
AbdurRahman Ibn AwI Io have a waIeemah.

OIher schoIars say IhaI II Is recommended. Those who say II Is recommended say IhaI
Ihe PropheI (saI AIIahu aIayhI wa saIIam) ordered hIm Io do IhaI, buI II was noI known
IhaI every sIngIe companIon had a IeasI. AIso, II Is noI a Irend In Ihe SharI'ah Io make
ceIebraIIons a reIIgIous duIy.

The IImIng oI Ihe waIeemah
The vasI majorIIy oI Ihe MusIIm schoIars saId IhaI II has Io be aIIer Ihe consummaIIon
oI Ihe marrIage. The PropheI (saI AIIahu aIayhI wa saIIam) IoId AbdurRahman Ibn AwI
Io do II aIIer he had consummaIed Ihe marrIage, and II was supposed Io have Iaken
pIace beIore, Ihen Ihe PropheI (saI AIIahu aIayhI wa saIIam) wouId have IoId hIm IhaI.
AIso, every IIme Ihe PropheI (saI AIIahu aIayhI wa saIIam) marrIed a woman, Ihe IeasI
was aIIer Ihe consummaIIon oI Ihe marrIage.

The MaaIIkIs and HanabIIah saId IhaI II couId be aIIer Ihe consummaIIon, or II Is aIso
correcI Io do II In Ihe same day as Ihe marrIage conIracI because Ihe poInI oI Ihe IeasI
Is Io pubIIcIze Ihe marrIage. ThereIore, II has Io be In Ihe day oI makIng Ihe conIracI.
ThIs Is a very good argumenI.

The PropheI (saI AIIahu aIayhI wa saIIam) InvIIed peopIe Io hIs marrIage |one narraIIon:
marrIage Io Zaynab] on Ihe same day IhaI he marrIed her.

LxIravagance Is IorbIdden
II Is IorbIdden Io wasIe money and become nu:ccn. The PropheI (saI AIIahu aIayhI
wa saIIam) saId, "LaI and drInk buI do noI be among Ihe nu:ccn." PeopIe wasIe a IoI
oI Iood and money In weddIng parIIes.

II someone pays Ihe zakaI and gIves sadaqah and IuIIIIIs IsIamIc obIIgaIIons, Ihen Ihere
Is noIhIng IsIamIcaIIy wrong II Ihey wanI Io have a weddIng In a hoIeI. WhaI Is wrong Is
Io Iake ouI Ioans Io pay Ior IhIs kInd oI weddIng. AIIah (subhanahu waIa'aIa) saId,
"..who wIII make haram whaI Is IawIuI." AIIah (subhanahu waIa'aIa) made IhIs earIh
Ior us Io enjoy II. II we possess II, Ihen we can use II Io enjoy ourseIves and IIve In
6

comIorI. Do noI be exIreme In sayIng bad IhIngs abouI peopIe who spend money on
havIng weddIngs In hoIeI.

WhaI Is consIdered wasIe7 Imam Ahmad saId :n Is Ihe money IhaI you spend In
haram even II II Is IIIIy cenIs.

"O chIIdren oI Adam, Iake your adornmenI aI every masjId, and eaI and drInk, buI be
noI excessIve. Indeed, He IIkes noI Ihose who commII excess." |7:31]

The ruIIng regardIng aIIendIng a waIeemah
AI QadhI Iyyad, a Iamous MaIIkI schoIar, saId IhaI Imam MaaIIk and Ihe schoIars agreed
upon IhaI II someone InvIIes you Io hIs weddIng, Ihen II Is obIIgaIory on you Io go. You
are sInIuI II you do noI go unIess you have a vaIId excuse. Ibn Hazm and Ibn Umar saId
IhaI II Is waajIb. They based IheIr argumenI on Ihe hadeeIh In BukharI and MusIIm
where Ihe PropheI (saI AIIahu aIayhI wa saIIam) saId, "When one oI you Is InvIIed Io a
waIeemah, he shouId go Io II." Shaykh UIhaymeen used Io say IhaI peopIe wIII prInI
hundreds oI InvIIaIIon cards, and II makes II dIIIIcuII Ior peopIe, and II Is beIIer Io gIve
peopIe Ihe opIIon Io come Io Ihe waIeemah. When an opIIon Is gIven, Ihen II Is no
Ionger an obIIgaIIon Io aIIend buI by choIce. |NoIe: Ibn Umar and Ibn Hazm say IhaI II
Is obIIgaIory Io accepI every InvIIaIIon, even II II does noI have Io do wIIh Ihe weddIng.
The vasI majorIIy oI schoIars dIsagreed wIIh IhIs appIyIng Io normaI InvIIaIIons. II II Is
noI an obIIgaIIon, II Is hIghIy recommended. II Is noI good manners Io decIIne because
Ihe person InIenIIonaIIy InvIIed you Io parIIcIpaIe.]

Ibn TaymIyyah saId IhaI II Is noI an obIIgaIIon because Ihe waIeemah IIseII Is noI an
obIIgaIIon.

The ruIIng regardIng aIIendIng a waIeemah In whIch sIns are commIIIed
InIenIIon may noI be Ihe onIy IhIng, buI II Is Ihe mosI ImporIanI IhIng.

You have Io weIghI II. II Is dIIIerenI II II Is a cIose reIaIIve versus a IrIend. When you go
agaInsI Ihe norm or Ihe deIauII ruIes, Ihen IhIs excepIIon shouId be deaII wIIh In Ihe
mInImum. II you have Io go because II Is a reIaIIve, Ihen II does noI mean IhaI you go
and dance. You go and gIve a gIII and make du'a and Ieave. II II Is a weddIng where you
cannoI Ieave, Ihen aIIend buI sIay In a pIace Iar away Irom Ihe musIc and mInImIze Ihe
wrong IhIngs Ihere. II you can make II up IaIer Io Ihe person and Ihey undersIand you
noI aIIendIng, Ihen you shouId noI go. The mInImum Ihe MusIIm can do when he,she
sees sIn Is Io Ieave Ihe pIace unIess Ihere Is a greaIer harm Irom IeavIng IhaI pIace.

WhaI shouId you do II you are IasIIng7
The PropheI (saI AIIahu aIayhI wa saIIam) once made Ihe IeasI In Ihe day IIme. UIema
say IhaI II you are IasIIng durIng a day when II Is obIIgaIory Ior you Io IasI, Ihen make
du'a Ior Ihem. The PropheI (saI AIIahu aIayhI wa saIIam) saId, ".and II he were IasIIng,
Ihen IeI hIm suppIIcaIe Ior Ihe hosI." |MusIIm]

II II Is a voIunIary IasI: HadeeIh reporIed In AnNIsa'I, "The person who Is IasIIng
voIunIarIIy Is In charge oI hImseII, and II he wanIs Io break Ihe IasI he can."

The PropheI (saI AIIahu aIayhI wa saIIam) was InvIIed Io someone's house and had wIIh
hIm someone who was noI InvIIed. He (saI AIIahu aIayhI wa saIIam) saId Io Ihe hosI, "I
have a IrIend oI mIne wIIh me, wIII you aIIow hIm Io come or noI7" The man repIIed, "I
weIcome Ihe guesI oI Ihe PropheI (saI AIIahu aIayhI wa saIIam)." II Is aIIowed Io go, buI
you musI Iake permIssIon. II you know IhaI you wIII receIve Ihe permIssIon, Ihen you
can go.
66


The Wedding NighI

The weddIng parIy
DIIIerenI cuIIures have dIIIerenI pracIIces. In IndonesIa, one oI Ihe cuIIures on Ihe
weddIng nIghI Is IhaI Ihe brIde paInIs her IeeIh bIack, and she washes Ihe groom's IeeI
In IronI oI everyone.

CreeIIng Ihe brIde and groom
The PropheI (saI AIIahu aIayhI wa saIIam) saId, "Barak AIIahu Iak." |BukharI]
The poInI Is Io pray Ior Ihe coupIe IhaI AIIah bIesses IheIr marrIage wIIh any word.

CIIIs
II Is recommended Io gIve gIIIs. PeopIe gIve gIIIs when Ihe PropheI (saI AIIahu aIayhI wa
saIIam) was marrIed, and he accepIed Ihem.

Wrong pracIIces on Ihe weddIng nIghI
Iree mIxIng and dancIng.
SIayIng up IaIe and mIssIng saIaI aI Iajr.
The brIde wearIng IuII makeup and wIIhouI IuII hIjab and sIIs In IronI oI
everyone.
LIsIenIng Io musIc durIng Ihe marrIage.
ImIIaIIng Ihe kuIIar In rIIuaIs.
WearIng perIume In IronI oI men.
The coupIe dancIng IogeIher In IronI oI a mIxed audIence.
Many women wIII mIss Ihe saIah because she does noI have Ihe wudu.
PeopIe Iake Ioans Io make a bIg parIy and show oII.
PeopIe envy oIhers and gIve Ihe evII eye.
There Is a IoI oI gossIpIng and backbIIIng.

|NoIe: Ihere Is noIhIng reIIgIous abouI wearIng Ihe whIIe dress. UnIII 1900, peopIe
wouId wear dIIIerenI coIors. In Ihe 19
Ih
cenIury, KIng LouIs marrIed Queen Mary, and
she came ouI Io Ihe pubIIc In a bIack dress, and II was accepIabIe. There Is no probIem
Ior a woman Io wear a whIIe dress.]

Is II sunnah Io pray Iwo rak'ahs wIIh your spouse on IhaI nIghI7
There Is noIhIng Irom Ihe PropheI (saI AIIahu aIayhI wa saIIam) sayIng IhIs. II Is aIIowed
Io do II. Shaykh BIn Baaz and Shaykh UIhaymeen saId II Is permIssIbIe. Ibn AbI Shaybah
narraIed IhaI Ihree companIons vIsIIed Abu Sayeed (one oI Ihe IabI'een) who was geIIIng
marrIed, and Ihey IoId hIm Io make Iwo rak'ah when he sees her and make du'a IhaI
AIIah bIesses Ihem. The sahabah pracIIced IhIs, so II Is noI InnovaIIon.

"Oh AIIah, I ask You Ior Ihe good oI her, and Ihe good oI whaI You creaIed In her. And I
seek reIuge In You Irom Ihe evII In her, and Ihe evII oI whaI You have creaIed In her."
|Abu Dawood]

II Is sunnah Io wear Ihe besI cIoIhes aI IhaI IIme.

The Iear oI Ihe weddIng nIghI
Many peopIe are aIraId oI Ihe evII eye. TrusI IhaI everyIhIng IhaI happens Is by Ihe WIII
oI AIIah. Make Ihe suppIIcaIIons oI Ihe mornIng and Ihe nIghI. Say: a'oodhu bI
kaIImaaIIIIahI aIIammaII mIn sharrI ma khaIaq. Pray Iajr In congregaIIon. Ask peopIe
Io say nn:IAnI tnnnAnI. Do noI show oII.

6

The Iear oI rejecIIon Is anoIher Iear IhaI nIghI. Be very conIIdenI In yourseII. TIps Io
make you a person who Is IrresIsIIbIe:
LmoIIonaIIy aroused. In a IIme oI hIgh excIIemenI, adrenaIIne sIarIs kIckIng In.
ThIs hormone generaIes InIense passIonaIe IeeIIngs, and you IeeI aIIached Io Ihe
person around you. There was a sIudy IhaI coupIes are InIImaIe aIIer waIchIng
horror movIes. PeopIe are more recepIIve Io beIng aIIracIed Io Ihe person.
The sIyIe oI waIkIng. II you waIk In very IImId, II Iurns oII. Your sIyIe oI
waIkIng has Io do a IoI wIIh aIIracIIng peopIe. PeopIe are aIIracIed Io Ihose who
waIk wIIh conIIdence and sIyIe, buI do noI exaggeraIe.
Caze InIo Ihe person's eyes. II any Iwo coupIes gazed aI each oIher Ior Ien
mInuIes, Ihen a hIgh percenIage oI Ihese peopIe IaII In Iove wIIh each oIher.
Have hIgh seII esIeem. HIgh seII esIeem Is very aIIracIIve.
We are more aIIracIed Io peopIe once we know Ihey are aIIracIed Io us. SIarI
wIIh showIng her how much you IIke her and wanI Io be wIIh her.
II you are nervous, Ihen remember whaI we Iearned prevIousIy abouI how Io
appear caIm.

The Iear oI sex.
On IhaI nIghI, everyone cares jusI abouI beIng connecIed Io Ihe oIher person.
The momenI you sIarI becomIng paranoId, Ihen you wIII perIorm badIy and
cause a probIem. Be naIuraI and easy on yourseII. Take II sIep by sIep.
Do noI be aIraId oI commIImenI.

MariIal Lile

Is sex unsaIIsIyIng Ihe IIrsI IIme7 You are sIIII buIIdIng a reIaIIonshIp, and II wIII
Improve by IIme.

Is II normaI Io bIeed or experIence paIn Ihe IIrsI IIme7 There Is a IoI oI exaggeraIIon on
IhIs. Do noI enIer Ihe IIrsI nIghI wIIh IhIs Iear. NoI every person Is Ihe same.

WhaI you need Io know abouI men and women
We are deaIIng wIIh Iwo dIIIerenI specIes. Men and women are dIIIerenI In
cerIaIn areas In Ihe way Ihey IuncIIon and IhInk. There Is a dIIIerence beIween
men and women.
To have a successIuI, Iong marIIaI reIaIIonshIp, you need Io undersIand Ihe
dIIIerences beIween men and women.

The IemaIe specIes
Women anaIyze IhIngs and IeeI IhIngs In a dIIIerenI way.
Women have a wIder vIsIon
Women noIIce change In appearance and behavIor IasIer Ihan men. Women can
deducI emoIIons.
Women care more abouI emoIIons and communIcaIIon and cooperaIIon and
sharIng wIIh oIhers.
Women care more abouI Ihe process Ihan Ihe resuII.
Women care abouI Iove and harmony and Ihe process oI Ihe reIaIIonshIp.
Women buy IhIngs cheaper Ihan men, buI Ihey buy IhIngs Ihey do noI need.
Women cannoI separaIe IhemseIves Irom Ihe probIem whIIe men can. Men onIy
Iook aI resuIIs.
Women In generaI are good aI memorIzIng and rememberIng IhIngs aIIached Io
emoIIons.
68

Women wouId preIer Io have InIImacy In darkness whIIe men wouId preIer Io
have IIghIs and mIrrors because Ihey are vIsuaIIy sIImuIaIed. Women have
hayaa' and are noI secure 100 abouI IheIr Iooks. There needs Io be baIance.
The women's dIcIIonary oI words Is dIIIerenI Ihan men's dIcIIonary.
ThIngs women say:
Yes = no, maybe = no, no = yes,
do whaI you wanI = you wIII pay Ior IhIs IaIer,
I am sorry = you wIII be sorry
we need Io IaIk = I need Io compIaIn
I'm noI upseI = oI course I am upseI
IhIs kIIchen Is smaII and InconvenIenI = I need a house
IIne = a word used by women when Ihey wanI Io end an argumenI and IhInk IhaI
Ihey are rIghI
S mInuIes = haII an hour
sayIng noIhIng = means Ihere Is someIhIng and Is usuaIIy used Io descrIbe when
a woman Is very angry aI you
raIsIng Ihe eyebrow and sayIng goIng ahead = you shouIdn'I reaIIy do II
go ahead (and no raIsIng oI Ihe eyebrow) = I have gIven up on you
Ioud sIghIng = she IhInks you are an IdIoI
soII sIghIng = she Is conIenI
IhaI's ok = dangerous sIaIemenI, and IndIcaIes she Is IhInkIng oI how Io geI you
back
Ihanks = you are IIne
Ihanks a IoI = a woman Is IIcked oII aI you

The maIe specIes
Men are hunIers
Men have IunneI vIsIon.
Men Iocus on geIIIng resuIIs and Ihe ouIcome and Ihe boIIom IIne. They Iocus
on achIevIng goaIs, sIaIus, power, beaIIng compeIIIors, eIIecIIveness.
Men are aII abouI beIng sIgnIIIcanI.
Do noI ever say "I undersIand" when arguIng wIIh your wIIe. Say, "I undersIand
how you IeeI."
Men are very vIsuaI, and whaI saIIsIIes Ihem Is Ihe vIsuaI.

Umar Ibn AI KhaIIab (radhI AIIahu 'anhu) saId: "PuI your broIher's aIIaIrs In Ihe besI
IIghI IhaI he may noI acI Iowards you In a manner obIIgIng you Io Iake a conIrary
opInIon. ThInk noI evII oI any word IhaI has proceeded ouI oI Ihe mouIh oI a MusIIm, II
you are abIe Io IInd a good consIrucIIon Ior II." Such, may AIIah exaII you, Is Ihe
manner oI conducI enjoIned by AIIah, Ihe Messenger oI AIIah, and ameer oI Ihe
IaIIhIuI."

S0 IhIngs you need Io know abouI marIIaI reIaIIonshIps
1. CreaI reIaIIonshIps don'I happen, Ihey are creaIed.
2. II your job geIs your besI energy, your marrIage wIII wIIher.
3. One oI Ihe greaIesI gIIIs you can gIve your spouse Is your own happIness. II you
are noI happy, Ihen you cannoI make her happy. Be happy yourseII. IInd your
own happIness
4. II's possIbIe Io haIe and Iove someone aI Ihe same IIme.
S. When you compIaIn abouI your spouse Io you IrIends, remember IhaI IheIr
Ieedback Is based upon dIsIorIed InIormaIIon. They do noI reaIIy know whaI Is
goIng on In your IIIe. Do noI jusI Iake Ihe advIce because Ihey do noI know Ihe
oIher sIde oI Ihe sIory.
69

6. The onIy ruIes In a marrIage |aIIer Ihe SharI'ah ruIes] are Ihose Io whIch you boIh
choose Io agree.
7. II Is noI conIIIcI IhaI desIroys marrIage; II Is Ihe coId, smoIderIng resenImenI
IhaI Is bred by wIIhhoIdIng. Do noI IeI IhIs grow. Now II Is coId, Iomorrow II
wIII become IreezIng.
8. II's noI whaI you have goI; II's whaI you do wIIh II. How are you usIng Ihe
Iongue, Ihe beauIy, Ihe money, Ihe IIme7
9. II you IhInk you are Ioo good Ior your spouse, IhInk agaIn.
10. CrowIng up In a happy IamIIy does noI ensure a good marrIage, and growIng up
In an unhappy IamIIy does noI precIude havIng one.
11. II's never Ioo IaIe Io repaIr damaged IrusI.
12. The reaI Issue Is usuaIIy noI Ihe one you are arguIng abouI. II Is usuaIIy beyond
IhIs. We usuaIIy do noI argue abouI Ihe rooI oI Ihe probIem. ThInk abouI Ihe
rooI oI Ihe probIem: I.e. IrusI, jeaIousy, sIress.
13. Love Isn'I jusI a IeeIIng; II Is an acIIon IhaI shows our carIng.
14. LxpecIaIIons seI us up Ior resenImenI. II Is very ImporIanI Io IeII your spouse
whaI your expecIaIIons are.
1S. ArgumenIs cannoI be avoIded, buI desIrucIIve ones can.
16. One oI Ihe greaIesI gIIIs we can gIve our spouse Is our Iocused aIIenIIon. CIve
her quaIIIy IIme. Women need a IoI oI aIIenIIon and apprecIaIIon.
17. Lven peopIe wIIh greaI marrIages someIImes wondered wheIher Ihey mIghI have
marrIed Ihe wrong person.
18. Your spouse cannoI rescue you Irom unhappIness, buI Ihey can heIp you Io
rescue yourseII.
19. The cosI oI a IIe Is Iar greaIer Ihan any advanIage you gaIn Irom speakIng II. Do
noI ever IIe Io your husband or wIIe.
20. Your opInIon Is noI Ihe IruIh.
21. TrusI Iakes years Io esIabIIsh and momenIs Io desIroy.
22. CuIIIIrIppIng wouIdn'I geI you whaI you reaIIy wanI. Many sIsIers II Ihey wanI
IheIr husbands Io do whaI Ihey wanI make Ihem IeeI guIIIy. ThIs Is Ihe worsI
Iype oI deaIIng wIIh anyone. To make a person guIIIy Io do someIhIng means
IhaI Ihe person haIes doIng II. The person shouId Iove Io do someIhIng and noI
haIe II. AIways use posIIIve manners.
23. Do noI negIecI your IrIends jusI because you have acquIred a spouse.
24. II you IhInk, "you are noI Ihe person I marrIed," you are probabIy rIghI. No one
sIays Ihe same. PeopIe change over IIme, and IhIs Is normaI.
2S. ResIsIIng Ihe IempIaIIon Io prove your poInI wIII wIn you a IoI oI poInIs.
SomeIImes you wanI Io prove your poInI, buI you do noI need Io do IhIs. The
Issue Is wInnIng Ihe hearIs.
26. CenerosIIy oI Ihe spIrII Is Ihe IoundaIIon oI greaI reIaIIonshIps.
27. II your spouse Is beIng deIensIve, you may be Ihe reason.
28. MarrIage Is noI S0,S0, II Is 100,100.
29. You can pay now or you can pay IaIer, buI Ihe IaIer you pay, Ihe more penaIIIes
and InIeresI you acquIre. She wIII be even angrIer and wIII IhInk IhaI you
beIrayed her and IIed Io her, and you have Io make up Ior aII oI IhIs.
30. MarrIage does requIre sacrIIIce, buI whaI you sIand Io gaIn Is InIInIIeIy greaIer
Ihan whaI you gIve up. MarrIage wIII noI work wIIhouI sacrIIIce. You wIII
sacrIIIce some oI Ihe IhIngs IhaI you IIke. There Is no perIecI IIIe.
31. IorgIveness Isn'I a one IIme evenI; II's a process.
32. MarrIage aIone doesn'I make you a beIIer person, buI accepIIng IIs chaIIenges
does.
33. CreaIIng a marrIage Is IIke IaunchIng a rockeI: once II cIears Ihe puII oI gravIIy,
II Iakes much Iess energy Io susIaIn Ihe IIIghI. The begInnIng oI Ihe marrIage Is
hard.
0

34. A successIuI marrIage has more Io do wIIh how you deaI wIIh your currenI
reaIIIy Ihan whaI you experIence In Ihe pasI. II you had a bad IamIIy probIem In
Ihe pasI, Ihe reaI Issue Is Ihe presenI reaIIIy.
3S. Don'I keep IeeIIngs oI graIIIude Io yourseII. One oI Ihe besI IhIngs IhaI can
happen Is when your wIIe IeIIs you IhaI she apprecIaIes havIng you In her IIIe.
36. There Is no greaIer eIoquence Ihan Ihe sIIence oI reaI IIsIenIng.
37. One oI Ihe greaIesI quesIIons you can ask your spouse Is, "How may I besI Iove
you7"
38. MarrIages can sIay Iresh over IIme.
39. AssumpIIons are IIne as Iong as you check Ihem ouI beIore acIIng upon Ihem.
40. InIenIIon may noI be Ihe onIy IhIng, buI II Is Ihe mosI ImporIanI IhIng.
41. Cood sex doesn'I necessarIIy make a marrIage greaI, buI II sure heIps.
42. PrIvacy won'I hurI your marrIage, buI secrecy wIII. II Is ImporIanI Io
dIIIerenIIaIe beIween secrecy and prIvacy. There are no secreIs beIween
husbands and wIves. The husband shouId noI check hIs wIIe's phone or purse
because IhIs Is prIvaIe. ScenarIo: you are IookIng Ior a key and Iook In your
wIIe's purse Ior II, and ImmedIaIeIy your wIIe IeIIs you noI Io Iouch her purse,
Ihen IhIs means IhaI she Is hIdIng someIhIng. Secrecy Is dangerous. You don'I
check Ihe emaII oI your spouse. They shouId respecI each oIher's prIvacy.
43. PossessIveness and jeaIousy are born ouI oI Iear, noI Iove.
44. AuIhenIIcIIy Is conIagIous and habIIIormIng.
4S. II your spouse IhInks someIhIng Is ImporIanI, II Is. Many IImes we IhInk onIy
whaI we IhInk Is ImporIanI Is ImporIanI. Many peopIe do noI pay aIIenIIon Io
IhIs.
46. MarrIages never ouIgrow Ihe need Ior romance.
47. The sparkIe oI a new reIaIIonshIp Is aIways Iemporary. II conIInues In a maIure
IormaI aIIer.
48. There Is vIoIence In sIIence when II's used as a weapon. NoIhIng can be more
harmIuI Ihan sIIence someIImes.
49. II's beIIer Io Iocus on whaI you can do Io make IhIngs rIghI Ihan on whaI your
parIner dId Io make IhIngs wrong. Lveryone shouId Iocus on makIng IhIngs
rIghI and noI on whaI Ihe oIher person's mIsIakes are.
S0. II you IhInk marrIage counseIIng Is Ioo expensIve, Iry dIvorce.
TherapIsIs can reprogram Ihe way you IhInk, and IhIs can work very
successIuIIy. We shouId push our masajId Io push IhIs kInd oI educaIIon.

The IIve Ianguages oI Iove
1. Words oI aIIIrmaIIon
ThIs Is ImporIanI Io esIabIIsh Iove In Ihe hearIs.
2. QuaIIIy IIme
3. CIIIs
CIIIs are noI jusI aI Ihe begInnIng oI Ihe marIIaI reIaIIonshIp. A gIII does noI
have Io be expensIve buI can be meanIngIuI.
4. AcIs oI servIce
ThIs Is a good way Io esIabIIsh Iove. The PropheI (saI AIIahu aIayhI wa saIIam)
used Io heIp hIs wIves. When your husband IeeIs as Ihough you have IrIed Io
heIp hIm ouI In hIs career, IhIs wIII make Iove.
S. PhysIcaI conIacI
Touch has an amazIng eIIecI on peopIe.

CommunIcaIIon
S0 oI communIcaIIon Is based on body Ianguage. 40 Is audIIory (Ione oI voIce, how II
sounds), and 10 Is verbaI. Many IImes we do noI pay aIIenIIon Io Ihe Ione oI voIce.
When speakIng Io your spouse or chIIdren, IhInk abouI Ihe Ione oI your voIce.
1


The perIecI husband
1. Dress up Ior your wIIe, Iook cIean, and smeII good. Ibn Abbas (radhI AIIahu
'anhu) wouId IIx hIs beard and haIr beIore enIerIng hIs house. The sIudenIs saId,
"PeopIe puI perIume and IIx IhemseIves when Ihey go ouI oI Ihe house and noI
InsIde." He saId, "Don'I you wanI your wIIe Io see you IookIng nIce7 AIIah
(subhanahu waIa'aIa) saId, 'WhaIever you expecI Irom Ihem, Ihey shouId see
Irom you.'"
2. Use Ihe cuIesI names Ior your wIIe. Make her IeeI specIaI.
3. Don'I IreaI her IIke a IIy. You onIy noIIce Ihe IIy when II IaIIs on your body and
boIhers you. Make her IeeI IIke her exIsIence means a IoI Io you.
4. II you see wrong Irom your wIIe, Iry beIng sIIenI and do noI commenI! LeI smaII
IhIngs go, and do noI pIck on her.
S. SmIIe aI your wIIe whenever you see her and embrace her oIIen. HuggIng means
a IoI.
6. Thank her Ior aII IhaI she does Ior you. Then Ihank her agaIn!
7. Ask her Io wrIIe down Ihe IasI Ien IhIngs you dId Ior her IhaI made her happy.
8. Don'I beIIIIIe her desIres.
9. Be humorous and pIay games wIIh your wIIe.
10. AIways remember, "The besI oI you are Ihose who IreaI IheIr IamIIIes Ihe besI,
and I am Ihe besI amongsI you Io my IamIIy."

Make du'a Io AIIah Io make your marrIage successIuI.

The IdeaI wIIe
The PropheI (saI AIIahu aIayhI wa saIIam) saId, "II a woman prayed Ihe IIve prayers,
IasIed In Ramadan, proIecIed her honor and obeyed her husband, Ihen she wIII be IoId
on Ihe Day oI |udgmenI: enIer ParadIse Irom any oI IIs (eIghI) doors." |Ibn HIbban]

Very good book: The Surrendered WIIe

The PropheI (saI AIIahu aIayhI wa saIIam) saId, "Your women who wIII enIer ParadIse are
Ihose nIce Io IheIr husbands, who bear chIIdren, and Ihose who keep checkIng Ihe needs
oI IheIr husbands. II her husband geIs angry wIIh her, she wouId hoId hIs hand and say,
'By AIIah, I wIII noI sIeep unIII you IorgIve me.'" As SIIsIIah As SahIha

The woman shouId respecI hIs auIhorIIy and be cooperaIIve wIIh hIm and know IhaI
men care a IoI abouI beIng sIgnIIIcanI.

Home or House
Home Is a pIace where you beIong and where Iove grows. AIIah (subhanahu waIa'aIa)
saId: "And oI HIs sIgns Is IhaI He creaIed Ior you Irom yourseIves maIes IhaI you may
IInd IranquIIIIy In Ihem."

ReIIgIon
ReIIgIon Is someIhIng IhaI wIII brIng you IogeIher.

The PropheI (saI AIIahu aIayhI wa saIIam) saId: "II a man wakes hIs wIIe and prays
durIng Ihe nIghI."

Crow In Iman and IaIIh IogeIher.
ReIIgIous supporI: supporI your spouse In Ihe reIIgIon, heIp your spouse Io
wake up Ior Iajr and pray qIyam aI IayI
Share knowIedge. Make II a journey IhaI you do IogeIher.
2

AIIend cIasses IogeIher
Read and sIudy IogeIher
CompeIe In memorIzIng Quran, ahadeeIh, eIc.
QIyam aI IayI
IasIIng
Da'wah acIIvIIIes
CommunIIy servIce

The TV
ThIs Is very dangerous In Ihe house. II can IhreaIen Ihe reIaIIonshIp. The average
spouse spends Iour mInuIes oI quaIIIy IIme wIIh Ihe wIIe.

The bed
The bed Is noI onIy meanI Ior InIImacy. ThIs Is Ihe besI IIme Ior havIng quaIIIy IIme Io
IaIk. Don'I go Io bed when you are Ioo exhausIed.

LazIness
ThIs can be a bIg probIem In marIIaI reIaIIonshIps. How can we IIghI IhIs probIem7
LxercIse, pIay Ihe WII exercIse games, encourage each oIher, organIze your IIme, sIeep
Iess oIIen, dIeI, make du'a (Ihe PropheI (saI AIIahu aIayhI wa saIIam) asked AIIah Io
proIecI hIm Irom IazIness aIIer each saIah), geI Iresh aIr and enjoy naIure.

The PropheI (saI AIIahu aIayhI wa saIIam) IaughI us a cure Ior beIng Iazy. IaIIma wouId
geI IIred very quIckIy, and Ihe PropheI (saI AIIahu aIayhI wa saIIam) saId each nIghI Io
say subhanAIIah 33 IImes, aIhumduIIIIah 33 IImes, and AIIahu Akbar 34 IImes. Pray Iajr
on IIme. The PropheI (saI AIIahu aIayhI wa saIIam) saId IhaI II you wake up aIIer
sunrIse, Ihen you have an evII souI and are Iazy. II you wake up beIore sunrIse and pray
Iajr, your souI Is pure and you are acIIve.

VacaIIons are necessIIIes, noI IuxurIes
Make sure Io aIways Iake a vacaIIon wIIh your wIIe. II shouId happen oIIen even II II Is
one day. The besI money you spend Is Ihe money you spend on your spouse. InvesI
your money In your reIaIIonshIp wIIh your wIIe. II Is a Iorm oI sadaqah. The PropheI
(saI AIIahu aIayhI wa saIIam) saId IhaI puIIIng Iood In your wIIe's mouIh Is sadaqah, so
whaI abouI a vacaIIon7

|eaIousy
There Is noIhIng wrong wIIh beIng jeaIous, and II Is okay as Iong as II Is noI Ioo much.
|eaIousy Is someIhIng naIuraI. Ior any emoIIon IIke jeaIousy, Iove, and Iear: 1) Iook aI
Ihe moIIvaIIon behInd Ihe IeeIIng and whaI IrIggers II and 2) whaI wIII II Iead Io7 Based
on IhIs, you can see II II Is okay or noI. II someone Is jeaIous because he Ioves hIs wIIe
and anoIher Is jeaIous because he doesn'I IrusI hIs wIIe, Ihen Ihese are dIIIerenI. WhaI
InIIIaIes Ihe IeeIIng may be someIhIng correcI, buI wIII II Iead Io someIhIng good or
bad7 II jeaIousy Ieads Io abuse and prevenIIng rIghIs, Ihen II Is a bad jeaIousy.

How can you conIroI jeaIousy7 II you wanI Io conIroI jeaIousy, you need Io do Iwo
IhIngs. 1) BuIId hIgh seII esIeem In Ihe person who IeeIs jeaIous. ThIs Is a Iong Ierm
process. 2) Whenever Ihere Is a momenI where Ihe jeaIousy comes up, Ihen ImmedIaIeIy
Io conIroI II, do Ihe IoIIowIng: resIore hIs,her conIIdence In Ihe area Ihey IeeI Iess In.
Do noI Iry Io generaIIze. Ior exampIe, II Ihe husband has a probIem wIIh your cousIn
because he Is very rIch, and Ihe cousIn comes Io your parenI's house, Ihen ImmedIaIeIy
go Io Ihe area oI sensIIIvIIy and assure hIm abouI hIs IInancIaI sIIuaIIon. ThIs wIII have
an ImmedIaIe resuII In conIroIIIng Ihe jeaIous behavIor. Do noI address whaI he,she Is
noI jeaIous oI.
!


The PropheI (saI AIIahu aIayhI wa saIIam) aIIowed IyIng Io Ihe spouse. Many peopIe
undersIand IhIs as beIng abIe Io IIe Io Ihe wIIe, buI IhIs Is noI Irue. The PropheI (saI
AIIahu aIayhI wa saIIam) saId In case oI war or makIng peace or brIngIng peopIe
IogeIher, you are aIIowed Io use words IhaI are noI 100 accuraIe, so II can IechnIcaIIy
be caIIed IyIng. UIema saId IhaI you are onIy aIIowed Io IIe In Ihe case oI brIngIng
peopIe IogeIher buI cannoI IIe Io Iake some oI her rIghIs.

The PropheI (saI AIIahu aIayhI wa saIIam) saId II Is noI aIIowed Ior a woman Io descrIbe
Io her husband oIher women. ThIs can cause probIems.

BesI way Io break bad news
Why Is bad news so scary7 Why do we haIe bad news7 II you know why, Ihen you wIII
know how Io break bad news. There are Ihree maIn reasons:
1. When you hear abouI bad news, you IeeI IhaI Ihe sIIuaIIon Is permanenI.
You IeeI as Ihough you wIII sIay sad Iorever.
2. You IeeI IhaI II Is crIIIcaI.
3. You IeeI IhaI II wIII Invade oIher areas oI your IIIe.

Remember IhaI II Is noI permanenI, noI crIIIcaI, and II wIII noI Invade Ihe resI oI your
IIIe. ThIs wIII heIp you when you break bad news Io someone.

TIme IacIors. II a docIor IeIIs a person IhaI he has had dIabeIes Ior a whIIe, Ihen he
IeeIs more reIaxed.

WhaI Is Ihe ruIIng regardIng ceIebraIIng Ihe marrIage annIversary7
II can be ceIebraIed buI noI In Ihe same manner as Ihe nonMusIIms.

Sex and lnIimacy in Married Lile

SexuaI saIIsIacIIon Is Ihe number one InIerpreIaIIon oI a heaIIhy marrIage Irom a man's
perspecIIve.

How men and women vIew sex In a marIIaI reIaIIonshIp. Why sex Is ImporIanI Ior men.
Sex Ior men Is someIhIng essenIIaI. II Is someIhIng naIuraI IhaI he needs Io IuIIIII hIs
desIres. II Is Ihe onIy way oI producIIon and survIvaI. The physIcaI drIve vs. Ihe
emoIIonaI drIve Ior sex beIween man and woman. Ior women, II Is a way oI showIng
Iove, emoIIons, and so on. II Is more ImporIanI Ior men Ihan women.

Many peopIe IhInk oI sexuaI reIaIIonshIps IIke a maze and someIhIng secreI IhaI cannoI
be IaIked abouI. Some peopIe IhInk IhaI Ihe sexuaI reIaIIonshIp Is someIhIng IhaI
comes InsIanIIy. There Is an area where a person can Iearn and Improve
hImseII,herseII, and II wIII cause you Io have a beIIer reIaIIonshIp wIIh your spouse. II
Is an ImporIanI IopIc because Ihere Is a Iarge number oI peopIe who dIvorce because oI
IhIs or cheaI on IheIr wIves because oI IhIs. Why do men cheaI more Ihan women7 II Is
a physIcaI drIve more Ihan an emoIIonaI drIve. There Is a IoI oI Indecency ouIsIde.

Ten words were used In Ihe Quran: IouchIng, n nn:: (IouchIng In a IIghI, soII way),
physIcaI conIacI, beIng cIose Io, Io come Io your wIIe, and so on.

II you wanI greaI InIImacy wIIh your wIIe, Ihen Iook aI II as an enIerIaInmenI sysIem.
You need Io wIre everyIhIng weII and connecI everyIhIng. II Ihe connecIIon Is noI done
rIghI, Ihen you wIII noI geI Ihe beauIIIuI pIcIure and sound. The sexuaI reIaIIonshIp Is
noI someIhIng physIcaI buI someIhIng you buIId up.
4


MosI women In generaI have a sIandard IacIory and are very sImIIar. The husband
needs Io be aIIenIIve and genIIe Io know how Io approach Ihem. Women can record
counIIess hours oI emoIIons, and Ihese emoIIons come Io mInd when Ihe husband
wanIs Io have InIercourse wIIh her. The PropheI (saI AIIahu aIayhI wa saIIam) saId,
"None oI you shouId be beaIIng hIs wIIe In Ihe day and In Ihe nIghI wanI Io sIeep wIIh
her."

IasI Iorward does noI work very weII. BoIh have Io Iake IheIr IIme. Women's power
comes Irom IeeIIng connecIed. II she does noI IeeI connecIed Io her husband, Ihen Ihe
reIaIIonshIp wIII noI be good.

IorepIay
Day PIay:
CoaI: creaIe expecIaIIon
CaII, Ieave voIcemaII
NaughIy emaIIs, IexIs, or a handwrIIIen noIe
Send IIowers, card, gIIIs
ConsIderIng generaI hygIene
ManI PedI
CauIIon: Iood and drInk. CerIaIn Ioods can make your sex drIve hIgher or Iower.

CroomIng:
II Is very ImporIanI IhaI Ihe person Iakes care.
The PropheI (saI AIIahu aIayhI wa saIIam) saId IhaI II you come Irom IraveIIng, Ihen
do noI come Io your wIIe and surprIse her In Ihe nIghI. WaII Ior her Io geI ready Ior
you.

SeI Up Mood:
Sounds (don'I have Ihe washIng machIne on)
CandIes
TemperaIure (noI Ioo hoI, noI Ioo coId)
ScenI (make sure Ihe house smeIIs good)
LocaIIon (II does noI aIways have Io be In one IocaIIon and can change)

NIghI PIay:
TransIormIng your sIaId bedroom InIo a sIeamy boudoIr Is Ihe quIckesI way Io
geI you InspIred
TakIng IIme Ior saIIsIyIng IorepIay. II Iakes IIme Ior women Io buIId up Ihe
excIIemenI Ior InIercourse. Men Iake 3 Io 10 seconds Io be ready. II Ihe man
does noI undersIand IhIs, Ihen II Is IerrIbIe.
Be hIs,her genIe In a boIIIe. TonIghI, granI hIm,her one sexuaI wIsh (you reserve
veIo power).

InIImacy Is abouI Iove and connecIIon and cIoseness beIween men and women.

CorepIay
RecIIIng Ihe du'a.
The deIauII ruIIng oI sexuaI acIs: LveryIhIng Is haIaI beIween Ihem excepI Ior
Iwo IhIngs:
1) No InIercourse durIng menses. The |ews durIng Ihe IIme oI Ihe PropheI
(saI AIIahu aIayhI wa saIIam) wouId noI come cIose Io Ihe women. The
Quran saId IhaI onIy InIercourse Is noI aIIowed. The ayah Is In Surah AI
Baqarah. UIema saId IhaI IhIs means IhaI II Is noI aIIowed Io have

InIercourse, buI you can enjoy anyIhIng eIse. ThIs Is Ihe opInIon oI Ihe
vasI majorIIy. The PropheI (saI AIIahu aIayhI wa saIIam) saId IhaI II your
wIIe has her perIod, Ihen Ihe husband can do everyIhIng excepI
InIercourse.
OIher schoIars saId IhaI you can do anyIhIng excepI whaI Is beIween her
naveI and knees. ThIs Is Ihe opInIon oI Ibn Abbas and Maymuna (one oI
Ihe wIves oI Ihe PropheI (saI AIIahu aIayhI wa saIIam)).
AnoIher opInIon: everyIhIng In her body Is IorbIdden Io Iouch whIIe she
Is In her menses. An NawawI saId IhIs opInIon Is weIrd and wrong
because Ihere are many ahadeeIh oI Ihe PropheI (saI AIIahu aIayhI wa
saIIam) where he wouId have InIImacy wIIh hIs wIIe whIIe she has her
menses.

2) AnaI sex Is IorbIdden. There Is consensus on IhIs. OnIy Ibn Umar saId
IhaI Ihe verse In Ihe Quran IncIudes any Iype oI sex, buI IhIs opInIon Is
noI correcI and Is rejecIed by Ihe resI oI Ihe companIons oI Ihe PropheI
(saI AIIahu aIayhI wa saIIam).
Many peopIe IhInk IhaI II Ihere Is anaI sex, Ihen II nuIIIIIes Ihe marrIage,
buI IhIs Is noI correcI. She Is sIIII hIs wIIe, buI he commIIIed a sIn IhaI
he needs Io repenI Irom.
The wIIe Is enIIIIed Io reIuse IhIs II Ihe husband asks Ior II, and II Is a
IegIIImaIe reason Ior a woman Io ask Ior a dIvorce.
Ibn Umar may have been reIerrIng Io havIng InIercourse wIIh Ihe wIIe
Irom behInd buI noI anaI sex.

AIso haram: seII pIeasurIng, vIdeo IapIng, waIchIng pornography Ior
sIImuIaIIon.

PosIIIons
II Is good Ior a coupIe Io expIore oIher posIIIons Ihey may be comIorIabIe wIIh.
As SuyuII menIIoned IhaI peopIe can reach Io more Ihan 30 posIIIons and wroIe
a book on IhIs.
ObservIng Ihe permIssIbIe InIercourse.
AduII Ioys7!
Can a person use aduII Ioys7 Ibn TaymIyyah dIscussed someIhIng sImIIar Io Ihe
vIbraIor and usIng II. The concIusIon he came Io Is Ihe same as masIurbaIIon: II
Is IorbIdden and noI aIIowed. WhaI II a husband wanIs Io use II on hIs wIIe7
OnIy In Ihese cases II wouId be okay II he cannoI saIIsIy hIs wIIe Ior a medIcaI
reason.
AduII Ioys can be creams or Iood.
CIvIng equaI IIme Io arrIve aI IuII saIIsIacIIon. Ior men, II Is essenIIaI Ior
reproducIIon. A woman can become pregnanI wIIhouI IuII saIIsIacIIon. Women
have IhIs same need as men.
KeepIng Ihe secreIs oI Ihe sexuaI IIIe

WhaI Is Ihe ruIIng regardIng wIId IanIasIes7 OIher Ihan someIhIng harmIng Ihe oIher
person Is accepIabIe.

Is sperm consIdered Impure7 No. II Is pure. II II Is on Ihe bed or on Ihe cIoIhes, II Is
pure. |The man's sperm Is noI Impure. RegardIng Ihe woman's dIscharge: when II
comes ouI, II Is Impure, and II II Iouches Ihe bed, Ihen II musI be cIeaned.]

6

Is II aIIowed Io use Iood on Ihe body Ior pIay7 II Is permIssIbIe. Shaykh UIhaymeen was
asked abouI IhIs and saId II Is permIssIbIe because AIIah creaIed everyIhIng on earIh Ior
us Io use II.

Can a wIIe heIp her husband masIurbaIe or vIce versa7 Yes, II Is aIIowed.

Is II ok Io use proIane Ianguage durIng sex7 II IhIs Is someIhIng IhaI Iurns Ihe peopIe
on, Ihen II Is permIssIbIe.

Is oraI sex permIssIbIe7 ThIs Issue has been debaIed. The MaIIkI and HanaII schoIars
dIscussed IhIs Issue. The majorIIy oI schoIars say IhaI II Is up Io boIh parIIes Io decIde.
Do noI ever Iorce Ihe spouse InIo someIhIng he,she does noI IeeI comIorIabIe wIIh.
Some schoIars saId II Is noI permIssIbIe because II Is najasah.

Is II permIssIbIe Io use VIagra7 Yes, and II Is recommended II you cannoI perIorm as
Iong as Ihe docIor says II Is okay.

Is II aIIowed Io go Io sIeep aIIer InIercourse and beIore IakIng a shower7 Yes, you can
deIay Ihe shower. The PropheI (saI AIIahu aIayhI wa saIIam) wouId someIImes Iake Ihe
shower Ihe nexI mornIng.

Is II aIIowed Io have sex durIng pregnancy7 Yes.

Is II aIIowed Io have sex wIIhouI cover and Io Iook aI Ihe oIher person's prIvaIe parIs7
Yes.

Can a wIIe dance Ior her husband7 Yes.

Is II makrooh or haram Io have sex In Ramadan In Ihe nIghI7 No. In Ihe day, II Is
haram.

II someone does noI ejacuIaIe, Ihey sIIII have Io Iake a shower. II neIIher oI Ihem reach
orgasm, Ihey boIh have Io Iake a shower. II Ihe man's prIvaIe parI was InsIde her
prIvaIe parI, Ihen Ihe shower Is a musI on boIh.

Does Ihe woman need Io unbraId her haIr7 No, she IIIIs her hand Ihree IImes wIIh waIer
and goes over her haIr Ihree IImes, and IhaI Is suIIIcIenI.

Shower: wash Ihe prIvaIe parI IIrsI, Ihen wash Ihe body sIarIIng wIIh Ihe rIghI sIde and
Ihen Ihe IeII sIde, and Ihen make wudu. ThIs Is Ihe besI Iorm. Any Iorm oI shower wIII
be accepIed II Ihe body Is washed.

II a woman jusI had InIercourse and Ihen goI her perIod, Ihen does she need Io Iake a
shower7 No. (Ahmad, Ibn Ishaaq) QaIadah saId she has Io wash her prIvaIe parIs.
OIhers saId IhaI she does because II Is dIIIerenI Irom Ihe menses (AI Hasan AI BasrI and
oIhers).

Recommended readIng:
Ior Men OnIy
Ior Women OnIy
IIqh oI Love by Shaykh Yaser BIrjas
1000 ThIngs I WIsh I Knew When I CoI MarrIed
The 10 ConversaIIons You MusI Have BeIore You CeI MarrIed
How Io DaIe Your WIIe

1001 QuesIIons Io Ask BeIore You CeI MarrIed
CIoser Ihan a CarmenI

ConIracepIion

Any conIracepIIon meIhod musI meeI Ihe IoIIowIng condIIIons:
1. BoIh peopIe musI agree Io II. A wIIe cannoI Iake pIIIs wIIhouI Ihe husband's
permIssIon. A man cannoI puII ouI wIIhouI her permIssIon.
2. Any meIhod musI be done by consuIIaIIon wIIh Ihe docIor. (pIIIs, IUD, eIc.)
The docIor musI say IhaI II Is noI dangerous Io you.
3. II musI be pure and noI made oI Impure IhIngs. II Ihere Is any cream IhaI
has pork eIemenIs, Ihen II cannoI be used.
4. II has Io be someIhIng IhaI wIII noI prevenI pregnancy permanenIIy (II musI
be onIy Iemporary)

ConIracepIIon meIhods and bIrIh conIroI:
1. CoIIus InIerrupIus
2. InIrauIerIne devIce (IUD)
3. ConIracepIIve pIII ("Ihe pIII")
4. TubaI IIgaIIon
S. VasecIomy ("maIe sIerIIIzaIIon")
6. DepoProvera ("Ihe shoI")

IamIIy pIannIng vs. PermanenI bIrIh conIroI
The IIqh CouncII (aIMajma' aI IIqhI) Issued Ihe IoIIowIng IaIwa wIIh regards Io IamIIy
pIannIng:

In Ihe IIIIh conIerence In KuwaII 16 |umaadaaIAakhIr 1409 AH (101S December 1988),
aIIer sIudyIng Ihe research presenIed by members and experIs on Ihe subjecI oI IamIIy
pIannIng, and IIsIenIng Io Ihe debaIe IhaI Iook pIace on IhIs IopIc, and based on Ihe IacI
IhaI one oI Ihe objecIIves oI marrIage accordIng Io IsIamIc SharI'ah Is Io reproduce and
preserve Ihe human race, and IhaI II Is noI permIssIbIe Io undermIne IhIs objecIIve,
because undermInIng II goes agaInsI Ihe IexIs and IeachIngs oI SharI'ah, whIch caII Ior
havIng many chIIdren, proIecIIng Ihem and IakIng care oI Ihem, because producIng and
carIng Ior oIIsprIng Is one oI Ihe IIve kuIIIyaaI (hoIIsIIc prIncIpIes) whIch SharI'ah came
Io proIecI.

1 - II Is noI permIssIbIe Io Issue Iaws IhaI IImII Ihe Ireedom oI coupIes Io have chIIdren.
2 - II Is haram Io remove Ihe abIIIIy oI men and women Io have chIIdren, whIch Is
known as sIerIIIzaIIon, so Iong as Ihere Is no need Io do so accordIng Io Shar'I prIncIpIes
3 - II Is permIssIbIe Io se Iemporary means oI conIracepIIon In order Io Increase Ihe
gaps beIween pregnancIes, or Io sIop Ihem Ior a IImIIed perIod oI IIme, II Ihere Is a
vaIId sharI'I reason Ior doIng so, based on Ihe coupIe's esIImaIIon and wIIh muIuaI
consuIIaIIon and agreemenI, subjecI Io Ihe condIIIon IhaI IhIs does noI resuII In harm
and IhaI Ihe means Is accepIabIe accordIng Io sharI'ah and wIII noI damage any exIsIIng
pregnancy. And AIIah knows besI.

ResoIuIIon no. 38 (1,S), re: IamIIy pIannIng.

8

ArIIIIcIaI InsemInaIIon

The IsIamIc IIqh councII Issued Ihe IoIIowIng IaIwa In IIs sevenIh sessIon heId In 1404
HIjra.
"TakIng a IemaIe seed and a maIe one Irom a man and a woman who are husband and
wIIe and doIng an InvIIro IerIIIIzaIIon Ior Ihese seeds beIore pIanIIng Ihe resuIIIng
embryo In Ihe womb oI Ihe wIIe Irom whom Ihe egg was Iaken Is In prIncIpIe accepIabIe
In IsIam buI II can raIse some doubIs due Io whaI accompanIes II. So, II shouId noI be
pracIIced unIess Ihere Is dIre necessIIy Io do so and wIIh some precondIIIons."

These condIIIons are as IoIIows:
1. The MusIIm woman musI noI under any cIrcumsIances show her prIvaIe parIs Io
anybody excepI her husband unIess Ihere Is a IawIuI reason Ior doIng so.

2. No doubI, IhaI Ihe need Ior Ihe woman Io be IreaIed Ior an IIIness Is a IawIuI
reason IhaI gIves her Ihe rIghI Io be exposed Io a person oIher Ihan her
husband, buI IhIs shouId be In conIormIIy wIIh Ihe necessIIy IIseII.

3. II Ihere Is a IegaI reason Ior Ihe woman Io be exposed Io a person oIher Ihan her
husband Ior IreaImenI, IhaI person shouId be a MusIIm woman II Ihere Is one
who can do Ihe job; II noI Iound, Ihen a nonMusIIm woman; II noI Iound Ihen a
IrusIworIhy MusIIm docIor; II noI Iound Ihen a nonMusIIm docIor. ThIs Is Ihe
IegaI sequence. II Is unIawIuI Ior Ihe paIIenI woman Io sIay aIone wIIh an aIIen
maIe docIor. Her husband or anoIher woman shouId be wIIh Ihem.

The councII aIso sIaIes IhaI: "Ihe need oI Ihe marrIed woman as weII as her husband Io
have a chIId Is a sound reason and a IegaI one IhaI makes IawIuI Ior IhIs woman Io seek
IreaImenI In Ihe IawIuI way oI arIIIIcIaI InsemInaIIon. The same ruIe was gIven by Ihe
IIqh councII oI Ihe IsIamIc ConIerence In 1407 (aIIer HIjra).

As Ior Ihe schoIars who IorbId such an operaIIon, IheIr reasons are:
IIrsI, Ihey Iear IhaI Ihe woman mIghI gIve bIrIh Io handIcapped chIIdren and Ihe
operaIIon IIseII mIghI have bad consequences on Ihe newborn or Ihe moIher.
Second, Ihe probabIIIIy oI doubI abouI Ihe IIneage oI Ihe newborn IeII Io Ihe
docIor who Is Ihe onIy one who can esIabIIsh IhaI he has done Ihe InsemInaIIon
beIween Ihe seeds oI Ihe Iwo parIs oI Ihe coupIe. ThIs mIghI Iead Io some
doubIs because Ihe docIor mIghI have used a wrong mIxIure by mIsIake or Ihe
docIor mIghI have some pIIy on a woman who wanIs desperaIeIy Io conceIve and
puI an aIIen embryo In her uIerus. Ior IhIs reason, one shouId seek Io have IhIs
operaIIon done by a IrusIworIhy MusIIm woman docIor.
ThIrd, II Ihe husband has a IImIIed number oI spermaIozoIds In hIs sperm and
wanIs Io conserve II In a bank specIaIIzed In conservIng Ihe sperm unchanged Is
II IawIuI Ior hIm Io do so7 MusIIm schoIars have dIIIerenI ruIIngs on IhIs Issue.
Some oI Ihem IhInk IhaI IhIs Is IawIuI provIded IhaI any InsemInaIIon shouId be
done durIng Ihe husband's IIIeIIme. OIher schoIars beIIeve IhaI IhIs Is IawIuI
even aIIer Ihe deaIh oI Ihe husband buI beIore Ihe expIraIIon oI Ihe wIIe's Iddah
(waIIIng perIod). A IhIrd group oI schoIars beIIeves IhaI any remaInIng sperm
aIIer Ihe InsemInaIIon was perIormed, shouId be desIroyed and noI kepI Ior
IuIure use. The same dIsagreemenI exIsIs aIso as Iar as Ihe woman's ovuIes are
concerned beIore beIng IerIIIIzed and aIIer Ihe IerIIIIzaIIon.

The reason Ior IhIs prohIbIIIon Is Ihe uncerIaInIy abouI Ihe concerned sperm or
IerIIIIzed ovuIes In Ihe banks oI embryos. There Is greaI probabIIIIy IhaI Ihese embryos
9

can geI mIxed or IhaI someone mIsuses Ihem and Ihey mIghI be gIven Io aIIen persons
and IhIs Ieads Ihe person Io commII a sIn and can cause mIxIure In IIneage.

The IIqh CouncII a suborganIsaIIon oI Ihe IsIamIc ConIerence Issued a IaIwa abouI
IhIs In 1410 (AH) 1990 (AC):

1. SInce II has been proved scIenIIIIcaIIy IhaI unIerIIIIzed ovuIes can be sIored and
served Ior IuIure use, onIy Ihe number IhaI Is Io be pIanIed each IIme shouId be
wIIhdrawn Io avoId havIng a surpIus oI IerIIIIzed ovuIes.
2. II Ihere Is a surpIus oI IerIIIIzed ovuIes, Ihey shouId be IeII wIIhouI assIsIance
IIII Ihey dIe naIuraIIy.
3. II Is IorbIdden Io Iake a woman's IerIIIIzed ovuIe and pIanI II In anoIher
woman's uIerus. AII precauIIons shouId be Iaken Io avoId usIng a IerIIIIzed egg
In a IorbIdden pregnancy.

A MusIIm Is requIred Io have conIIdence IhaI onIy AIIah, The LxaIIed, wIII cure and
reIIeve hIm. One has Io know IhaI many peopIe resorIed Io arIIIIcIaI InsemInaIIon and
Ihen, AIIah cured Ihem and granI Ihem Ihe oIIsprIng Irom HIs Iavor wIIhouI need Io
such a meIhod oI pregnancy. II a woman becomes pregnanI wIIh one embryo or more,
naIuraIIy or by arIIIIcIaI InsemInaIIon, she Is noI aIIowed Io cause Io have an aborIIon as
Iong as her pregnancy exceeds IorIy days. One excepIIon Is IhaI II an experI IrusIworIhy
docIor says IhaI IhIs pregnancy wIII endanger Ihe moIher's IIIe, Ihen an aborIIon
becomes aIIowed.

As Ior possIbIe danger or deIormaIIon oI an embryo, IhIs does noI consIIIuIe a reaI
reason Ior causIng aborIIon, and a perpeIraIor Is consIdered sInIuI sInce he commIIIed
an aggressIon on a human beIng's rIghI oI IIIe.

AborIion

Today, IhIs has become a very poIIIIcaI Issue. WorIdwIde, Ihe hIghesI raIe oI aborIIon Is
In RussIa, Ihen Ihe USA, Ihen IndIa, Ihen |apan. In Ihe UnIIed SIaIes, Ihe sIaIes wIIh Ihe
hIghesI number oI aborIIons: CaIIIornIa and Ihen New York. There are S7S aborIIons
Ior every 1,000 IIve bIrIhs In CaIIIornIa. The IowesI number oI aborIIons Is In Idaho (36
aborIIons Ior every 1,000 IIve bIrIhs). New York CIIy (767 aborIIons Ior every 1,000 IIve
bIrIhs) and WashIngIon, DC (706 aborIIons Ior every 1,000 IIve bIrIhs) have sIgnIIIcanIIy
hIgher aborIIon raIes Ihan any sIngIe sIaIe.

Why wouId a MusIIm gIrI have an aborIIon7 IIIegaI sexuaI InIercourse (Ihe MusIIm
communIIy wouId noI accepI Ihe chIId or woman),

WhaI Is Ihe MusIIm posIIIon on aborIIon7
Is aborIIon IorbIdden In aII sIages7 There Is a dIIIerence oI opInIon amongsI Ihe MusIIm
schoIars.
1. II Is noI aIIowed In any sIage Io have an aborIIon unIess Ihe pregnancy Is a
IhreaI Io Ihe IIIe oI Ihe moIher. ThIs Is Ihe opInIon oI Ihe vasI majorIIy oI
MaIIkIs, HanaIIs, ShaI'Iees, HanbaIIs, and Ibn Hazm and IoIIowers oI Adh
DhahIrIyyah.
LvIdence: some ahadeeIh where a man Injured a woman and she mIscarrIed,
and Ihe PropheI (saI AIIahu aIayhI wa saIIam) asked Ihe man Io pay penaIIy
as II he kIIIed a human by mIsIake. The uIema saId IhaI Ihe PropheI (saI
AIIahu aIayhI wa saIIam) dId noI dIIIerenIIaIe beIween Ihe baby beIng InsIde
Ihe womb and ouIsIde, and she was earIy In her pregnancy.

80

2. AborIIon Is aIIowed onIy In Ihe IIrsI 40 days oI pregnancy. AIIer 40 days, a
perIod caIIed nutnI, Ihen Ihe baby sIarIs Io Iake shape and Ihe baby Is
consIdered a human. NutnI means a cIoI oI bIood and noI yeI a human.
ThIs Is Ihe posIIIon oI some oI Ihe MaIIkI and HanbaII schoIars.

3. II Is aIIowed Io have an aborIIon unIII Ihe baby Is 120 days. AIIer 120 days,
II Is noI aIIowed Io have an aborIIon. ThIs Is Ihe opInIon oI some oI Ihe
HanaII, ShaII'ee, and HanbaII schoIars and II Is a popuIar opInIon. The
PropheI (saI AIIahu aIayhI wa saIIam) saId IhaI aIIer 120 days, AIIah sends
Ihe souI Io Ihe baby's body. BeIore Ihe 120 days, Ihe body does noI have a
souI. Some peopIe may say IhaI Ihe baby has a hearI beaI, buI IhIs Is n n
gIn). The uIema saId IhaI II Ihe aborIIon Iakes pIace beIore 120 days, Ihen
a IIve creaIIon (IIve human) has noI been kIIIed. A souI has noI been kIIIed II
Ihe aborIIon Is beIore 120 days.

AborIIons because oI aduIIery are noI aIIowed. The schoIars who aIIowed aborIIons up
Io 120 days do noI aIIow Ihem as a door Ior every woman Io IornIcaIe and have IhIs as
an opIIon. AborIIons are aIIowed In Ihe IIrsI 120 days II Ihe baby has a geneIIc probIem
or wIII be deIormed or may noI survIve aIIer beIng born or may have menIaI dIsabIIIIIes.
The MusIIm CouncII oI IaIwa (IargesI councII oI MusIIm jurIsIs In Ihe worId and Ihe
mosI respecIed) In 1990 sIudIed IhIs Issue and had a Iamous IaIwa IhaI II Ihere are
medIcaI reasons and Ihe baby may be deIormed, Ihen Ihe woman can have an aborIIon
as Iong as II Is In Ihe IIrsI 120 days onIy, buI II Is noI aIIowed aIIer 120 days.

AborIIons are noI aIIowed because oI Iear oI poverIy or money. The uIema onIy aIIowed
II Io be done In Ihe IIrsI 120 days II Ihere Is a IegIIImaIe reason.

You do noI know whIch chIId wIII be your way Io |annah. The chIId IhaI you are noI
expecIIng Io have may be Ihe besI one Io you. No one shouId go Io aborIIon unIess
Ihere Is a very good reason Ior II. II II musI be done, Ihen In Shaykh WaIeed's opInIon, II
musI be done In Ihe IIrsI 120 days.

"And do noI kIII your chIIdren Ior Iear oI poverIy: We gIve Ihem susIenance and
yourseIves (Ioo): sureIy Io kIII Ihem Is a greaI wrong." |17:31]

"Take noI IIIe whIch AIIah has made sacred." |6:1S1]

Newborn

Your prImary reIaIIonshIp Is wIIh your spouse and noI your chIIdren. Remember IhaI
your aIIenIIon shouId be Iocused on your spouse. II Is noI rIghI Io negIecI your spouse.

AI Aqeeqah
The PropheI (saI AIIahu aIayhI wa saIIam) saId each newborn Is IIed Io hIs aqeeqah. The
anImaI Is Io be sIaughIered on hIs behaII on Ihe sevenIh day. On IhaI day, Ihe baby
shouId be gIven a name and hIs head shouId be shaven. |Abu Dawud]

Aqeeqah Is Ihe anImaI sacrIIIced Ior Ihe newborn. Ior a boy, Iwo sheep are sacrIIIced,
and Ior a gIrI, one Is sacrIIIced. II Is an obIIgaIIon Io gIve Irom IhaI meaI Io Ihe poor
peopIe. The aqeeqah Is someIhIng your parenIs musI do Ior you, and you cannoI do II
81

Ior yourseII. The PropheI (saI AIIahu aIayhI wa saIIam) saId IhaI II wouId be sacrIIIced
on hIs behaII. Can you pay your parenIs money Io do II7 Yes, you can.

1. The mosI Iamous opInIon Is IhaI IhIs chIId's InIercessIon Ior hIs parenIs Is
dependanI upon Ihe aqeeqah. II Ihe parenIs do Ihe aqeeqah, Ihen Ihe chIId wIII
InIercede Ior Ihem on Ihe Day oI |udgmenI. II Ihey do noI do Ihe aqeeqah, Ihen
Ihe chIId may noI InIercede Ior Ihe parenIs.
2. The bIessIngs and barakah oI Ihe chIId depend on Ihe aqeeqah. II II Is noI done,
Ihen Ihe chIId wIII noI be bIessed Ior you.
3. The good characIer and good manner oI Ihe chIId Iowards Ihe parenIs depends
on Ihe aqeeqah. The aqeeqah Is a Iorm oI showIng graIIIude Io AIIah. The
sacrIIIce Is a Iorm oI IhankIng AIIah Ior gIvIng you Ihe chIId. II you Ihank AIIah,
Ihen AIIah wIII In reIurn bIess you and reward you by makIng Ihe chIId bIessed.

II parenIs do noI have Ihe money, Ihen Ihey are excused.

TImIng oI Ihe aqeeqah:
Buraydah saId IhaI Ihe PropheI (saI AIIahu aIayhI wa saIIam) saId In an auIhenIIc
narraIIon: "The aqeeqah Is Io be sIaughIered on Ihe 7
Ih
or Ihe 14
Ih
or Ihe 21
sI
." Can Ihe
aqeeqah be done on Ihe 7
Ih
buI Ihe InvIIaIIon Is done on Ihe 8
Ih
or 9
Ih
7 Yes, Ihe maIn
IhIng Is IhaI Ihe sIaughIer Is done on one oI Ihose days.

WhaI abouI II IhaI IIme has passed7 Can Ihe aqeeqah be done7 Yes, you can.

II was narraIed Irom AIsha (radhI AIIahu 'anha) IhaI Ihe Messenger oI AIIah (saI AIIahu
aIayhI wa saIIam) commanded Ihem (Io sIaughIer) Iwo sheep oI sImIIar Iype Ior a boy
and one sheep Ior a gIrI. |AI TIrmIdhI]

NamIng Ihe chIId
Irom Ihe hadeeIh: name Ihe chIId on Ihe 7
Ih
. Can Ihe chIId be named beIore Ihe 7
Ih
day7
Yes, II Is aIIowed Io name Ihe baby even beIore Ihe 7
Ih
. WhaI Is Ihe prooI7 In SahIh
BukharI: The PropheI (saI AIIahu aIayhI wa saIIam) saId, "AIIah bIessed me IonIghI wIIh
a baby boy, and I named hIm IbrahIm." ThIs hadeeIh means IhaI by Ihe 7
Ih
, Ihe baby
shouId be named. You are noI aIIowed Io deIay namIng your chIId beyond seven days.

Is Ihere a recommended name Ior boys and gIrIs7 The PropheI (saI AIIahu aIayhI wa
saIIam) saId, "Name aIIer Ihe names oI Ihe propheIs and Ihe messengers." Name
chIIdren aIIer propheIs or messengers. The PropheI (saI AIIahu aIayhI wa saIIam) saId,
"The mosI beIoved names Io AIIah are AbduIIah and AbdurRahman." NoI aII oI Ihe
companIons had chIIdren named AbduIIah and AbdurRahman. The PropheI (saI AIIahu
aIayhI wa saIIam) saId, "The mosI IruIhIuI names are AI HarIIh and AI Hammam."
Shaykh WaIeed dId a sIudy and Iound Ihese Io be uncommon names amongsI Ihe
sahabah.

There are cerIaIn names chIIdren cannoI be named wIIh:
1. II Ihe name IndIcaIes IaIse or wrong meanIngs IsIamIcaIIy. Ior exampIe:
AbdurRasooI, AbduIHussayn are noI aIIowed.
2. II Is noI aIIowed Io name your chIId any one oI AIIah's Names. In SyrIa, An Noor
Is a common name. II Is noI aIIowed because Ihe IaIher Is Abu An Noor, whIch Is
noI accepIabIe.
3. II Ihe name has a bad meanIng In your cuIIure, Ihen you are noI aIIowed Io name
your chIId wIIh IhIs name.

82

Choose a name IhaI wIII cause Ihe chIIdren Io noI suIIer when Ihey grow up. You do noI
receIve more reward II your chIId's name Is an ArabIc name over an Urdu name. Look
Ior a name wIIh a good meanIng.

When Ihe PropheI (saI AIIahu aIayhI wa saIIam) heard oI a woman whose name was
A'sIyah (sInner), he saId IhaI her name Is |ameeIah InsIead.

ShavIng Ihe chIId's head
ThIs Is sunnah Ior Ihe baby boy onIy. The haIr shouId be weIghed, and Ihe donaIIon
shouId be In Ihe amounI oI Ihe weIghI oI Ihe haIr. An equIvaIenI weIghI Is donaIed In
sIIver.

AITahneek (rubbIng Ihe chIId's mouIh wIIh daIes)
Is IhIs a sunnah7 II has been reporIed In severaI IncIdenIs IhaI Ihe PropheI (saI AIIahu
aIayhI wa saIIam) chewed a daIe and rubbed Ihe InsIde oI Ihe mouIh oI Ihe babIes. AIIah
'AIam, IhIs was done because oI Ihe bIessIng oI Ihe saIIva oI Ihe PropheI (saI AIIahu
aIayhI wa saIIam). The companIons never dId IhIs wIIh IheIr chIIdren, so II Is noI a
sunnah. They were seekIng Ihe bIessIngs oI Ihe PropheI (saI AIIahu aIayhI wa saIIam)
onIy.

Are Ihere any du'as In Ihe sunnah reIaIed Io Ihe newborn7
There Is noIhIng Irom Ihe sunnah. There are narraIIons IhaI Ihe PropheI (saI AIIahu
aIayhI wa saIIam) caIIed Ihe adhan In Ihe ears oI Ihe baby, buI IhIs Is very, very weak. II
Is aImosI IabrIcaIed Io gIve adhan In Ihe rIghI ear and Iqamah In Ihe IeII ear.

How a newborn IesIs a marrIage
II Is a bIg IesI when Ihere Is a new chIId In Ihe house. The PropheI (saI AIIahu aIayhI wa
saIIam) was very mercIIuI and paIIenI wIIh chIIdren. The PropheI (saI AIIahu aIayhI wa
saIIam) saId IhaI someIImes when he was IeadIng Ihe prayer and heard a baby cryIng, he
wouId make Ihe prayer shorIer ouI oI mercy Ior Ihe moIher whose hearI Is aIIached Io
Ihe baby. Have mercy In your hearI Iowards chIIdren.

II Is a bIg IesI Io see how paIIenI you wIII be and how Iar you are wIIIIng Io sacrIIIce Ior
your own chIIdren. AI Aqra IoId Ihe PropheI (saI AIIahu aIayhI wa saIIam) proudIy IhaI
he had Ien chIIdren and had noI kIssed any oI Ihem. The PropheI (saI AIIahu aIayhI wa
saIIam) saId IhaI AIIah had Iaken Ihe mercy ouI oI hIs hearI.

Anas Ibn MaIIk reporIed IhaI Ihe PropheI (saI AIIahu aIayhI wa saIIam) had never seen
anyone more mercIIuI Io chIIdren Ihan Ihe PropheI (saI AIIahu aIayhI wa saIIam). When
Hasan, Husayn, and AbduIIah Ibn Abbas were young, Ihey wouId Ihey wouId pIay wIIh
Ihe PropheI (saI AIIahu aIayhI wa saIIam) and Ihey wouId run Io hIm, and whoever
reached hIm IIrsI wouId be Ihe wInner. When Ihe PropheI (saI AIIahu aIayhI wa saIIam)
saw Hasan waIkIng and abouI Io IaII, he sIopped Ihe khuIbah and pIcked hIm up and
Ihen conIInued Ihe khuIbah.

II Is a IesI Ior how you wIII be abIe Io baIance. IaIhers pIay ImporIanI roIes In Ihe IIves
oI chIIdren Irom Ihe earIy IIme.

Work,Home BaIancIng AcI
ThIs Is ImporIanI especIaIIy II boIh parenIs work. Work shouId noI Iake Ihe besI oI your
IIme. Many IImes, we onIy work, work, and work. SomeIImes parenIs work overIIme Io
make money and on Ihe weekends Io make more money. Your chIIdren and spouse
need you aI home more Ihan IhIs exIra money IhaI you are makIng. II you gIve Ihe IIme
and emoIIon and InvesI In II, Ihen II Is beIIer Ihan any InvesImenI ouIsIde oI your
8!

house. Make sure IhaI your weekends are gIven Io your IamIIy. In some sIaIes Ihe
IInancIaI responsIbIIIIy Is so hIgh IhaI Ihe spouses bareIy spend IIme IogeIher.

To baIance, make a ruIe IhaI when you are aI home IhaI Ihere Is no more work aI home.
II you musI, Ihen pIace cerIaIn hours Io work. II you are aI home and your mInd and
hearI are wIIh your job and Ihere Is noIhIng IeII Ior your IamIIy, Ihen IhIs Is noI
accepIabIe.

Do noI reIease aII oI your IrusIraIIons aI your spouse. Make sure IhaI you Iake IuII
advanIage oI vacaIIons. ThIs Is Ihe rIghI oI your IamIIy and chIIdren Ior you Io Iake
vacaIIons. The reaI success Is when you have your IamIIy In Ihe end.

II you dIscuss wIIh your boss and seI Ihe IImIIs, Ihen II may heIp. LIhIcs are respecIed.

Make sure IhaI you spend quaIIIy IIme. Lven II you can onIy spend a Iew hours wIIh
your chIIdren, make Ihem quaIIIy IIme. OrganIze your IIme more. Shaykh Yaser BIrjas'
IIp: he made an oIIIce Ior hImseII In Ihe masjId, and aIIer Iajr, he has breakIasI wIIh Ihe
chIIdren and Ihen drops Ihem Io schooI and Ihen In hIs oIIIce. He seI asIde a cerIaIn
amounI oI IIme Ior research each day. When he goes home, he spends IIme wIIh IamIIy
and Ieaves work.

The RighIs ol Ihe Husband and Wile

The Issue oI rIghIs Is a sensIIIve Issue because II can become a baIIIe. There are
common rIghIs beIween boIh. There are specIIIc IhIngs Ior Ihe wIIe and specIIIc IhIngs
Ior Ihe husband. In generaI, Ihey are aII common rIghIs because Ihey are equaI rIghIs.
In cerIaIn areas, Ihey are noI equaI. Many peopIe are conIused and IhInk IhaI jusIIce
means equaIIIy. LquaIIIy Is noI aIways jusIIce. MusIIm schoIars saId jusIIce Is Io puI
IhIngs where Ihey beIong. II Is noI InjusIIce Io say IhaI women and men are noI equaI In
every area, and II Is noI jusI Io say IhaI husbands and wIves are equaI In every area. In
generaI Ierms, Ihey are equaI, buI In some areas men have more rIghIs and In some
areas women have more rIghIs.

Ior exampIe: where Is Ihe jusIIce In Ihe son receIvIng doubIe Ihe amounI as Ihe
daughIer In InherIIance7 You have Io Iook aI Ihe sysIem In IsIam. The woman Is
IInancIaIIy secured and covered by aII oI Ihe maIe IamIIy members, and she does noI
need Io earn money. Her IaIher , broIher , husband , son and so on Iake compIeIe
IInancIaI responsIbIIIIy Ior her. The man has responsIbIIIIy oI hImseII and oI her, so he
Iakes doubIe Ihe amounI In InherIIance.

Common rIghIs beIween Ihe Iwo

".And due Io Ihe wIves Is sImIIar Io whaI Is expecIed oI Ihem, accordIng Io whaI Is
reasonabIe." |2:228]

BoIh are equaIIy responsIbIe Ior Ihe marIIaI IIIe. II Is a shared responsIbIIIIy.
One oI Ihe worsI IhIngs IhaI some coupIes do Is breakIng Ihe spIrII oI Ihe oIher
person.
The PropheI (saI AIIahu aIayhI wa saIIam) saId, "None oI you wIII IruIy be a
beIIever unIII he Ioves Ior hIs broIher whaI he Ioves Ior hImseII." You wIII noI be
a Irue beIIever unIII you Iove Ior your wIIe or husband whaI you Iove Ior
yourseII. ThIs hadeeIh appIIes In Ihe home as weII.
The PropheI (saI AIIahu aIayhI wa saIIam) saId, "The besI oI you Is Ihe one who Is
besI Io hIs IamIIy and I am Ihe besI Io my IamIIy." |TIrmIdhI] Remember IhaI II
84

Is your common rIghI IhaI you are Ihe besI and noI jusI good. The PropheI (saI
AIIahu aIayhI wa saIIam) raIsed Ihe bar and saId 'besI'. Your goaI Is Io be Ihe
besI husband or wIIe.
The rIghI Io enjoy each oIher emoIIonaIIy and physIcaIIy. II Is sInIuI Ior Ihe
husband or Ihe wIIe Io noI provIde physIcaI pIeasure Ior no good reason.
The rIghI oI InherIIance Ior one anoIher.
The rIghI oI conIIrmaIIon oI IIneage oI IheIr chIIdren.
The woman keeps her own name. A woman cannoI change her name. In Ihe
days oI jahIIIyyah, when a person marrIed a woman, II meanI IhaI Ihe man
possessed Ihe woman, and she was cuI oII compIeIeIy Irom her IamIIy. IsIam
came Io say IhaI II Is noI accepIabIe. She keeps her IIneage, and she has Ihe
rIghI Io InherII Irom her own IamIIy. A woman shouId noI change her IasI name
Io her husband's IasI name.

The rIghIs oI Ihe wIIe upon her husband

The PropheI (saI AIIahu aIayhI wa saIIam) saId, "Beware oI AIIah concernIng women, you
have Iaken Ihem as a rusI Irom AIIah and Ihey have made Ihem permIssIbIe Io you by
Ihe word oI AIIah." |MusIIm]

The PropheI (saI AIIahu aIayhI wa saIIam) emphasIzed Ihe rIghIs oI women a IoI.
ThroughouI Ihe course oI hIsIory, women have been abused a IoI.

Mahar.
TreaIed wIIh kIndness. Your wIIe needs a IoI oI VIIamIn A: aIIenIIon, aIIecIIon,
apprecIaIIon, assurance, and accepIance. II Is a woman's rIghI Io be assured oI
her beauIy and her husband's commIImenI. Women need a IoI oI assurance.
Women aIso need a IoI oI aIIenIIon and aIIecIIon. The PropheI (saI AIIahu aIayhI
wa saIIam) saId Io IIve wIIh your IIIe wIIh goodIy manners.
An naIaqah (IInancIaI responsIbIIIIy). AIIah (subhanahu waIa'aIa) saId IhaI Ihe
IaIher oI Ihe chIId shouId bear Ihe cosI oI Iood and cIoIhIng on a reasonabIe
basIs. |Surah AI Baqarah v. 233] The PropheI (saI AIIahu aIayhI wa saIIam) saId
IhaI you musI provIde Ior her and Ieed her and gIve her cIoIhes. |Ibn Majah] A
woman came Io Ihe PropheI (saI AIIahu aIayhI wa saIIam) and saId IhaI her
husband dId noI gIve her enough money, and he IoId her Io Iake whaI Is
suIIIcIenI Ior her and her chIId accordIng Io Ihe cusIom. She was permIIIed Io
Iake Irom hIs money wIIhouI hIs knowIedge whaI Is a necessIIy Ior her. II Is an
obIIgaIIon on a man Io supporI hIs wIIe compIeIeIy. II Ihe wIIe works, she does
noI need Io gIve Ihe husband any money, and II she does, Ihen II Is sadaqah.
NoI Io be emoIIonaIIy or physIcaIIy abused.
II Ihe man marrIes a second wIIe, II Is her rIghI IhaI he Is jusI and IaIr wIIh her.
She Is parI oI Ihe group IhaI Ihe husband Is responsIbIe Ior. The husband musI
Ieach her reIIgIon and cannoI prevenI her Irom goIng Io Ihe masjId or conIInuIng
her IsIamIc educaIIon.
II Is her rIghI IhaI she wIII be deIended and her honor proIecIed.

"And gIve Ihe women |upon marrIage] IheIr |brIdaI] gIIIs gracIousIy. BuI II Ihey gIve up
wIIIIngIy Io you anyIhIng oI II, Ihen Iake II In saIIsIacIIon and ease." |4:4]

"O you who have beIIeved, II Is noI IawIuI Ior you Io InherII women by compuIsIon. And
do noI make dIIIIcuIIIes Ior Ihem In order Io Iake |back] parI oI whaI you gave Ihem
unIess Ihey commII a cIear ImmoraIIIy. And IIve wIIh Ihem In kIndness. Ior II you dIsIIke
Ihem perhaps you dIsIIke a IhIng and AIIah makes IhereIn much good." |4:19]

8

"And you wIII never be abIe Io be equaI |In IeeIIng] beIween wIves, even II you shouId
sIrIve |Io do so]. So do noI IncIIne compIeIeIy |Ioward one] and Ieave anoIher hangIng.
And II you amend |your aIIaIrs] and Iear AIIah Ihen Indeed, AIIah Is ever IorgIvIng and
MercIIuI." |4:129]

The rIghIs oI Ihe husband upon hIs wIIe

The PropheI (saI AIIahu aIayhI wa saIIam) saId, "Do noI aIIow anyone InIo hIs house
excepI by permIssIon." ThIs appIIes Io maIe or IemaIe.

Men are Ihe proIecIors and maInIaIners oI women and AIIah Iavored Ihe man
one IeveI above women because oI IhIs.
The PropheI (saI AIIahu aIayhI wa saIIam) saId IhaI your husband Is your way Io
ParadIse or HeIIIIre.
PIease hIm and make hIm saIIsIIed wIIh you.
The PropheI (saI AIIahu aIayhI wa saIIam) saId, "II I ordered anyone Io prosIraIe
Io anyone, II wouId be Io order Ihe wIIe Io prosIraIe Io her husband."
ObedIence. AI Ihe end oI Ihe day, Ihe husband Is Ihe Ieader oI Ihe househoId. II
he makes a IInaI decIsIon, Ihen Ihe wIIe shouId obey hIm. He wIII Iake
responsIbIIIIy In IronI oI AIIah (subhanahu waIa'aIa) Ior hIs decIsIons.
She proIecIs hIs honor and does noI cheaI on hIm or her. She proIecIs hIs
weaIIh and does noI wasIe hIs money.
There Is a dIIIerence oI opInIon: Is II obIIgaIory Ior a woman Io serve her
husband and cook and cIean Ihe house7 The vasI majorIIy oI schoIars say IhaI II
Is an obIIgaIIon upon her Io Iake care oI her husband. II Is obIIgaIed Io do aI
IeasI Ihe mInImum requIremenI. II a woman reIuses compIeIeIy Io do any work
In Ihe house, Ihen IhIs Is noI correcI. WhaI II she needs heIp7 The husband
shouId heIp her. The PropheI (saI AIIahu aIayhI wa saIIam) used Io heIp hIs
wIves. II Is good Io gIve your IIme Io your wIIe and noI be Iazy.
The wIIe beauIIIIes herseII Ior hIm. AIsha (radhI AIIahu 'anha) wouId someIImes
gIve dresses Io women IhaI Ihey couId wear In IronI oI IheIr husbands. |MusIIm]
AIsha (radhI AIIahu 'anha) once borrowed her sIsIer's neckIace Io wear In IronI oI
Ihe PropheI (saI AIIahu aIayhI wa saIIam).

The PropheI (saI AIIahu aIayhI wa saIIam) saId, "II Is noI aIIowed Ior a woman Io IasI and
her husband Is presenI excepI wIIh hIs permIssIon." |BukharI and MusIIm] UnIess II Is
an obIIgaIory IasIIng.

"Men are In charge oI women by |rIghI oI] whaI AIIah has gIven one over Ihe oIher and
whaI Ihey spend |Ior maInIenance] Irom IheIr weaIIh." |4:34]

II everyone does hIs roIe In IIIe, Ihen everyIhIng wIII be baIanced. We Iose IhIs baIance
when we do noI IuIIIII our duIIes. In a marIIaI reIaIIonshIp, II you onIy care abouI your
own rIghIs and whaI your spouse Is noI doIng, Ihen II wIII make Ihe reIaIIonshIp
unbaIanced.

Does Ihe wIIe have Io Iake Ihe husband's permIssIon Io Ieave Ihe house7 Does Ihe
daughIer have Io Iake Ihe IaIher's permIssIon Io Ieave Ihe house7 ObvIous: she Is goIng
Io Ihe sIore or Io drop Ihe chIIdren Io schooI. She does noI need permIssIon every
sIngIe IIme unIess her waII (husband or IaIher) has a probIem wIIh a parIIcuIar pIace she
Is goIng. The cusIom and Ihe cuIIure oI Ihe coupIe reguIaIes IhIs.

Are you a Ieader7
86

The concepI oI qn\nnnnI Is Ihe Ieader oI Ihe house. The husband has a hIgher
posIIIon, meanIng IhaI IsIam expecIs Ihe husband Io be Ihe Ieader oI Ihe house, noI Ihe
boss. There Is a dIIIerence beIween acIIng IIke a Ieader and acIIng IIke a boss. Bosses
and managers are aIways IookIng Io receIve credII, buI Ieaders Iake responsIbIIIIy.
Bosses hIre empIoyees, buI Ieaders wIn IoIIowers and Ihe hearIs oI peopIe. Managers
and bosses reacI Io change, buI Ieaders creaIe change. Managers and bosses
communIcaIe, buI Ieaders persuade peopIe. Bosses Iry Io be heroes whIIe Ieaders make
heroes. Bosses pracIIce power over peopIe whIIe Ieaders pracIIce power wIIh peopIe.
The boss creaIes a group whIIe Ihe Ieader makes a Ieam.

The roIe In Ihe house Is Ihe roIe oI a Ieader. Leaders IIke Io have sIrong peopIe around
Ihem whIIe bosses Iry Io be Ihe onIy one In Ihe pIcIure.

II you wanI Io see a change In Ihe reIaIIonshIp wIIh your wIIe, Ihen make sure you are
Ihe change beIore you ask Ior II Io be In your home.

IInancIaI responsIbIIIIy
Do I have Io gIve my wIIe money every monIh7
Yes, you have Io gIve her money every monIh Ior expenses. Ibn Hazm
menIIoned IhaI Ihe husband shouId gIve money Ior expenses. How much7 ThIs
Is dIIIerenI Ior everyone based on IheIr capabIIIIy.

Can I sIop supporIIng my wIIe II she Is bad Io me or II she IeII Ihe house7
The jamhoor oI Ihe Iuqahah saId he sIIII has Io gIve her money. The HanaIIs say
no, buI Ihey have no prooI Ior IhIs.

Can Ihe wIIe have her own bank accounI7
Yes, and you do noI have Io share you pIn numbers. However, sharIng IInancIaI
Issues shows cIoseness Io each oIher.

Does Ihe wIIe have Io supporI Ihe IamIIy II she works7
No, she does noI have Io. WhaI II Ihe husband Is poor7 II she wanIs Io, Ihen II Is
oI good manners and she wIII be rewarded.

Isn'I my husband's money my money7
No, II Is noI. II Is good Io IeeI IhaI way, buI hIs money Is hIs money and her
money Is her money. The PropheI (saI AIIahu aIayhI wa saIIam) saId IhaI Ihe wIIe
Is noI aIIowed Io Iake Irom hIs money wIIhouI hIs permIssIon.

Can Ihe wIIe save some money on Ihe sIde7 Can IhIs be used Ior personaI use7
Ibn Hazm dIscussed IhIs Issue and saId II Is aIIowed because he has gIven Ihe
money and she was abIe Io save Irom II. AIso, Ihe PropheI (saI AIIahu aIayhI wa
saIIam) saId, "II a woman spends Irom her husband's money wIIhouI causIng
harm Io hIm, Ihey wIII be rewarded Ior IhIs donaIIon she gave." Ior exampIe, II
she sees Ihere Is a masjId or organIzaIIon IhaI needs money, Ihen she can donaIe
money as Iong as Ihe amounI wIII noI harm Ihe husband's IInancIaI sIIuaIIon.

Can Ihe husband dIcIaIe where she spends her money7
No, he cannoI.

Do I have Io gIve my wIIe Ihe Iax reIurn whIch Is reIaIed Io her7
Yes, he does.

My husband Is a mIser, can I Iake Irom hIs money wIIhouI IeIIIng hIm7
8

She can onIy Iake whaI Is needed Io cover whaI she needs.

Aren'I my parenIs more ImporIanI Io supporI Ihan my wIIe7
II shouId noI be Iooked aI bIack and whIIe. The wIIe Is Ihe husband's
responsIbIIIIy and Ihe parenIs are Ihe responsIbIIIIy oI Ihe whoIe IamIIy (sIbIIngs,
uncIes, eIc.) The parenIs wIII have muIIIpIe sources oI Income. BoIh are
ImporIanI. Don'I ever sIop Ihe husband or wIIe Irom supporIIng IheIr IamIIy.
Do you have Io pay Ior your InIaws7 IsIamIcaIIy II Is noI hIs responsIbIIIIy, buI
he wIII wIn her hearI by doIng so.

Can I gIve donaIIon Irom hIs money wIIhouI IeIIIng hIm7 And do I geI rewarded
Ior hIs donaIIons7
Yes, she geIs reward Ior Ihe donaIIon II her InIenIIon Is Io supporI and aId hIm.

How can we have good conIroI over our IInance7
In IhIs socIeIy, we spend a IoI oI money.
LIve beIow your needs.
Ask yourseII: do you need II or do you wanI II7
Have a IIsI oI necessIIIes.
Have a budgeI and IesI Ihe budgeI.
Have an emergency Iund.
Spend money on IhaI whIch Is beneIIcIaI.
Track your spendIng.
Don'I have Ioo many credII cards. Use Ihe credII card onIy ouI oI necessIIy.
CIve zakah and sadaqah.

ln-Laws or OuI-Laws

Why Is Ihere a bad repuIaIIon Ior InIaws7

In aImosI every cuIIure, Ihere Is a IoI oI negaIIvIIy abouI InIaws. WhaI are Ihe common
reasons Ior Ihese probIems Io happen7

SomeIImes, one oI Ihe reasons IhIs happens Is because oI Ihe wrong Iype oI Iove
or jeaIousy oI Ihe moIherInIaw or IaIherInIaw and Ihey IeeI IhreaIened by Ihe
new person In IheIr chIId's IIIe. They don'I undersIand IhaI Ihe way Ihey Iove
IheIr spouse Is dIIIerenI Ihan Ihe Iove Ior parenIs. ThIs undersIandIng needs Io
be correcIed.
SomeIImes Ihey do noI undersIand Ihe new sIage oI IIIe IheIr chIIdren are
enIerIng. The daughIer has become a moIher and a wIIe. The son Is now
responsIbIe Ior openIng a house and In charge oI II.
The Iear oI IosIng Ihe reIaIIonshIp wIIh IheIr chIIdren. They are moIIvaIed
mosIIy by Iear.
NoI IuIIIIIIng one's duIy Iowards hIs,her parenIs aIIer marrIage causes probIems.
MarryIng wIIhouI Ihe approvaI oI Ihe parenIs or IheIr knowIedge.
LnIerIng InIo marrIage aIIer Ihe InIaws have aIready buIII up a judgmenI abouI
Ihe spouse. LxampIes: beIng careIess, beIng IaIe, eIc. When enIerIng InIo Ihe
marrIage, Ihey wIII judge you based on Ihese IeeIIngs.

TIps Io heIp avoId probIems wIIh InIaws:
ReaIIze IhaI your spouse has rIghIs Iowards hIs,her parenIs.
Try Io undersIand IheIr personaIIIIes and cuIIure. Know whaI Ihey IIke and do
noI IIke, especIaIIy II you marry across cuIIures.
88

UndersIand Ihe IImIIs oI each parIy Irom Ihe begInnIng. SeI IImIIs wIIh Ihe
grandchIIdren Irom Ihe begInnIng.
Know IhaI Ihe rIghIs oI your spouse and parenIs are noI conIradIcIory. You do
noI need Io decIde beIween your wIIe or your moIher. II you puI yourseII In IhIs
posIIIon, Ihen you are wrong.
LIve In a separaIe home II you can.
Do noI InvoIve InIaws In aII deIaIIs oI your house.
ConsuII Ihem and do noI compIaIn Io Ihem. There Is a bIg dIIIerence beIween
consuIIIng and compIaInIng. The percepIIon oI Ihe parenIs Is dIIIerenI.
Be a good wIIe and good husband so IhaI Ihere Is no space Ior crIIIcIsm.
Keep Ihem busy wIIh Ihe roIe you wanI Ihem Io pIay In your IIIe. DesIgn Ihe roIe
Ior Ihem and approach Ihem wIIh II.
Ask your spouse Io praIse hIm or her Io praIse you In IronI oI Ihe parenIs. The
parenIs wIII Ihen IeeI IIke Ihe spouse Is noI a IhreaI Io Ihem.
VIsII Ihe InIaws oIIen.
Be IorgIvIng and jusI.

TIps Ior your parenIs
CIve your chIIdren a chance Io have IheIr own experIence.
DIscuss raIher Ihan IhreaIen.
Be conIIdenI.
Be a source oI comIorI and noI a source oI sIress.
Do noI InvoIve yourseII In Ihe deIaIIs.
Remember IhaI you are noI In compeIIIIon wIIh your son or daughIerInIaw and
IhaI you have hIgher sIaIus In your chIId's hearI more Ihan anyone eIse.

Recommended ReadIngs
The IIve Love Languages
How Io Iron Your Own Damn ShIrI
How Io IeeI ManIy In a MInIvan
ProjecI LverIasIIng
ReIaIIonshIp Rescue
The DIvorce Lawyer's CuIde Io SIayIng MarrIed

Al-Eelaa'

LInguIsIIc deIInIIIon: To swear, Io Iake an oaIh
TechnIcaI deIInIIIon: ThIs Is when Ihe husband Iakes an oaIh noI Io approach hIs wIIe.

"Ior Ihose who swear noI Io have sexuaI reIaIIons wIIh IheIr wIves Is a waIIIng IIme oI
Ior monIhs, buI II Ihey reIurn |Io normaI reIaIIons] - Ihen Indeed, AIIah Is IorgIvIng and
MercIIuI." |2:226]

RuIIng on aIeeIaa'
ThIs swearIng or oaIh Is haram wIIhouI a reason. The end oI Ihe ayah says IhaI AIIah Is
IorgIvIng, meanIng IhaI someIhIng wrong was done. AIIah gIves a maxImum oI Iour
monIhs, and beIore Ihe Iour monIhs end, Ihe husband has Io go back Io hIs wIIe.

Is Ihere a Iorm Ior IhIs7
No, Ihere Is no Iorm. Any words can be used.

Does Ihe dIvorce IaII auIomaIIcaIIy wIIh Ihe end oI Ihe Iour monIh perIod7
SchoIars have dIIIerenI opInIons on whaI happens aIIer Iour monIhs.
89

Some schoIars say IhaI aIIer Iour monIhs, he Is ordered Io reIurn Io hIs wIIe, and
II he does noI go back Io her, Ihen Ihe judge wIII dIvorce Ihem. II Ihe husband
does noI dIvorce her In Ihe Iour monIhs, Ihen Ihe judge gIves Ihe husband Ihe
opIIon oI reIurnIng Io hIs wIIe or dIvorcIng her, and II he does noI Ihen he can
be puI In jaII or punIshed. ThIs Is dIvorce by Iorce. When Ihe judge Iorces Ihe
husband Io dIvorce Ihe wIIe, II Is IegIIImaIe.
LvIdence: ".II Ihey are goIng Io dIvorce, AIIah Is Ihe AII HearIng, Ihe AII
SeeIng." ThIs Is Ihe opInIon oI Ihe majorIIy oI Ihe schoIars, and IhIs Is Ihe
sIrongesI opInIon because even wIIh Ihe qIra' oI Ibn Masud, Ihe nexI verse says
".aIIer Ihe IourIh monIh II Ihey InIend Io dIvorce."

OIher schoIars saId IhaI II aIIer Iour monIhs he does noI reIurn back Io hIs wIIe,
Ihen Ihey are auIomaIIcaIIy dIvorced.
LvIdence: There Is anoIher qIra' oI Ibn Masud: "..II Ihey reIurn durIng IhaI
perIod oI IIme, Ihen AIIah Is AII IorgIvIng." ThereIore, aIIer Ihe Iour monIhs
he cannoI have her back wIIhouI a new conIracI.

WhaI Is Ihe ruIIng II Ihe husband Iakes back Ihe wIIe7
How can Ihe husband Iake back hIs oaIh7
II Ihe husband Iakes back Ihe oaIh, Ihe penaIIy Is Iawbah and (In order) Iree a sIave, or
Ieed or dress 10 peopIe, or IasI 3 days (IhIs Is Ihe punIshmenI Ior breakIng an oaIh).

The maxImum perIod Ior whIch a man may absIaIn Irom hIs wIIe Is Iour monIhs. II
he does noI go back Io her, Ihe judge wIII dIvorce Ihe wIIe Irom Ihe husband.

Adh-Dhihaar

LInguIsIIc deIInIIIon: comes Irom dInI, whIch means back
TechnIcaI deIInIIIon: II Is when Ihe husband makes a sIaIemenI IhaI ImpIIes IhaI Ihe
woman becomes Iorever IorbIdden. II Is a sIaIemenI sayIng IhaI Ihe wIIe Is IIke hIs
moIher.

In oIher words, II Is as II he Is sayIng IhaI hIs wIIe's back Is IIke hIs moIher's back. II Is
a IIgure oI speech reIaIed Io sexuaI InIercourse.

AIdhIhaar Is a pracIIce whIch daIes back Io Ihe IImes oI preIsIamIc Ignorance. AI
dhIhaar Is a IorbIdden acI. II Is an evII sIaIemenI Io make. AIIah ordered us Io repenI Io
HIm.

Those who pronounce IhIhar among you |Io separaIe] Irom IheIr wIves Ihey are noI
|consequenIIy] IheIr moIhers. TheIr moIhers are none buI Ihose who gave bIrIh Io Ihem.
And Indeed, Ihey are sayIng an objecIIonabIe sIaIemenI and a IaIsehood. BuI Indeed,
AIIah Is PardonIng and IorgIvIng. And Ihose who pronounce IhIhar Irom IheIr wIves and
Ihen |wIsh Io] go back on whaI Ihey saId - Ihen |Ihere musI be] Ihe IreeIng oI a sIave
beIore Ihey Iouch one anoIher. ThaI Is whaI you are admonIshed Ihereby; and AIIah Is
AcquaInIed wIIh whaI you do. And he who does noI IInd |a sIave] Ihen a IasI Ior Iwo
monIhs consecuIIveIy beIore Ihey Iouch one anoIher; and he who Is unabIe Ihen Ihe
IeedIng oI sIxIy poor persons. ThaI Is Ior you Io beIIeve |compIeIeIy] In AIIah and HIs
Messenger; and Ihose are Ihe IImIIs |seI by] AIIah. And Ior Ihe dIsbeIIevers Is a paInIuI
punIshmenI. |S8:24]

The vasI majorIIy oI MusIIm jurIsIs say IhaI he has Io use Ihe word 'moIher' and cannoI
say sIsIer, daughIer, or IaIher, and II he does Ihen IhIs ruIIng does noI appIy Io hIm.

90

The ruIIng
The penaIIy Is IhaI he musI Iree a sIave beIore Ihey have InIercourse, and some schoIars
say II musI be done beIore Ihey go back and IIve IogeIher. II he cannoI Iree a sIave, Ihen
he musI IasI Iwo consecuIIve monIhs (60 days). WhaI II he IasIs 4S days and Ihen
sIops7 Then he musI sIarI over Irom day 1. WhaI II day 32 was LId7 He breaks Ior LId
AI Adha and Ihree days aIIer and Ihen conIInues Irom where he IeII oII. BreakIng IhIs
IasI Is excusabIe. WhaI II he becomes sIck7 He does noI need Io sIarI over II Ihere Is a
IegIIImaIe reason. II he cannoI IasI, Ihen he musI Ieed 60 peopIe. ThIs musI be done
beIore he has reIaIIons wIIh hIs wIIe.

One oI Ihe kIngs oI BanI Umayyah In AndaIus used Io do dhIhaar a IoI, and he was rIch
so he aIways Ireed sIaves. One oI Ihe shuyookh saId he Is noI aIIowed Io Iree a sIave
and musI IasI Ior 60 days because IreeIng a sIave was easy Ior hIm and IasIIng was
dIIIIcuII Ior hIm. ThIs Is Ihe perIecI exampIe Ior a wrong IaIwa. The schoIars use IhIs
Io Ieach Ihe wrong masIahah (beneIII). You cannoI be more reIIgIous Ihan Ihe reIIgIon
IIseII. You cannoI be a person who cIaIms Io have more wIsdom and AIIah. When AIIah
IegIsIaIed IhIs, He knows IhaI Ihere are rIch and poor peopIe and dId noI dIIIerenIIaIe.
You cannoI change Ihe SharI'ah oI Ihe PropheI (saI AIIahu aIayhI wa saIIam) based on
whaI you IhInk Is beneIIcIaI. The schoIars say Ihe beneIII Is In whaI AIIah has saId and
noI In whaI you InvenI.

WhaI II Ihe woman makes Ihe sIaIemenI7 UIema say IhaI she Is sInIuI buI does noI
need Io do anyIhIng.

Al Nushooz

ThIs has aIso been menIIoned In Ihe Quran.


"And II a woman Iears Irom her husband conIempI or evasIon, Ihere Is no sIn upon
Ihem II Ihey make Ierms oI seIIIemenI beIween Ihem and seIIIemenI Is besI. And
presenI In |human] souIs Is sIIngIness. BuI II you do good and Iear AIIah Ihen Indeed
AIIah Is ever, wIIh whaI you do, AcquaInIed." |4:128]

"And II you Iear dIssensIon beIween Ihe Iwo, send an arbIIraIor Irom hIs peopIe and an
arbIIraIor Irom her peopIe. II Ihey boIh desIre reconcIIIaIIon, AIIah wIII cause II beIween
Ihem. Indeed, AIIah Is ever KnowIng and AcquaInIed |wIIh aII IhIngs]." |4:3S]

DeIInIIIon: Lach spouse Iransgresses and Is hosIIIe agaInsI each oIher.
Nn:InznI means Io exceed Ihe IImII or IeavIng Ihe norm. II Is goIng ouIsIde oI Ihe cIrcIe
oI permIssIbIIIIy or someIhIng wrong. II can be Irom boIh parIIes.

An nushooz Is a IorbIdden acI.
Nushooz can be by speech and deed

Nushooz on Ihe parI oI Ihe husband
The husband wrongIuIIy eIevaIes and raIses hImseII above hIs wIIe.
VerbaI abuse.
ShowIng arrogance and humIIIaIIng her.
TransgressIng agaInsI her by beaIIng her.
He does noI IuIIIII hIs mandaIory obIIgaIIons such as IInancIaI supporI and
sexuaI InIImacy.
91


Nushooz on Ihe parI oI Ihe wIIe
A woman IeavIng Ihe house wIIhouI Ihe permIssIon oI Ihe husband or wIIhouI
IegaI rIghI.
She dIsobeys her husband wIIh respecI Io comIng Io hIs bed and reIusIng Io have
sexuaI reIaIIons wIIh no vaIId excuse.
She does noI beauIIIy herseII Ior her husband.
She uses bad Ianguage wIIh hIm or hIs IamIIy. VerbaI abuse. BeaIIng her
husband.
She does noI pracIIce Ihe obIIgaIory duIIes In her reIIgIon and reIuses. Ior
exampIe: she does noI wanI Io pray or IasI.

The remedy Ior nushooz when II Is Irom Ihe wIIe
There are Ihree sIeps:
4. AdvIse her and remInd her oI AIIah (subhanahu waIa'aIa).
Many peopIe do noI do IhIs and skIp Io Ihe second.
S. He can avoId her In bed. He does noI kIss or hug her. UIema say IhaI he can
boycoII her In IaIkIng. TaIkIng cannoI be more Ihan 3 days because Ihe PropheI
(saI AIIahu aIayhI wa saIIam) Iorbade noI IaIkIng Io someone Ior Ihree days II II
Is a personaI Issue.
6. Ad darb. In ArabIc Ianguage, II Is an acIIon IhaI can be Iaken In varIous IeveIs.
Ibn Abbas saId Io sIrIke her wIIh someIhIng IIke a mIswak.
Ash ShaII'ee saId Io use Ihe IaII oI Ihe Iurban or wIIh Ihe Ihawb.
ThIs Is a Iorm oI showIng physIcaI rejecIIon oI her because oI her acIIons.
ThIs IhIrd opIIon Is noI someIhIng IhaI you have Io do and Is onIy an opIIon. II
you see IhaI II wIII noI work, Ihen II shouId noI be done. Do noI jump Io IhIs II
you dId noI use Ihe IIrsI or Ihe second.

"And II a woman Iears Irom her husband conIempI or evasIon, Ihere Is no sIn upon
Ihem II Ihey make Ierms oI seIIIemenI beIween Ihem and seIIIemenI Is besI. And
presenI In |human] souIs Is sIIngIness. BuI II you do good and Iear AIIah Ihen Indeed
AIIah Is ever, wIIh whaI you do, AcquaInIed." |4:128]


The remedy Ior nushooz when II Is Irom Ihe husband
1. The IIrsI sIep Is IhaI Ihe husband and Ihe wIIe boIh make a deaI.
2. II Ihey cannoI do IhIs, Ihen AIIah (subhanahu waIa'aIa) saId IhaI you can appoInI
someone Io represenI boIh sIdes Io Iry Io make peace.

"And you wIII never be abIe Io be equaI |In IeeIIng] beIween wIves, even II you shouId
sIrIve |Io do so]. So do noI IncIIne compIeIeIy |Ioward one] and Ieave anoIher hangIng.
And II you amend |your aIIaIrs] and Iear AIIah Ihen Indeed, AIIah Is ever IorgIvIng and
MercIIuI." |4:129]

"And II you Iear dIssensIon beIween Ihe Iwo, send an arbIIraIor Irom hIs peopIe and an
arbIIraIor Irom her peopIe. II Ihey boIh desIre reconcIIIaIIon, AIIah wIII cause II beIween
Ihem. Indeed, AIIah Is ever KnowIng and AcquaInIed |wIIh aII IhIngs]." |4:3S]

The condIIIons and aIIrIbuIes Ior Ihe Iwo arbIIraIors.

"No good Is Ihere In much oI IheIr prIvaIe conversaIIon, excepI Ior Ihose who enjoIn
charIIy or IhaI whIch Is rIghI or concIIIaIIon beIween peopIe. And whoever does IhaI
92

seekIng means Io Ihe approvaI oI AIIah Ihen We are goIng Io gIve hIm a greaI reward."
|4:114]

Do Ihe arbIIraIors have Ihe auIhorIIy Io separaIe Ihe coupIe7
The vasI majorIIy oI schoIars say IhaI Ihe peopIe who are chosen Io represenI boIh
parIIes are agenIs. They are noI judges because II Ihey were, Ihen Ihere Is no choIce and
Ihey musI IIsIen. AgenIs are used as advIsors. |HanaIIs, mosI Iamous opInIon oI
HanabIIah, Ibn Hazm, one opInIon oI ShaII'ee]

The MaIIkIs and one narraIIon Irom Ihe ShaIIyyah and one narraIIon oI Ihe HanabIIah
say IhaI Ihe arbIIraIors are acIIng as judges.

They musI be MusIIms, aduII, menIaIIy compeIenI, maIe, maIure, have knowIedge.
There Is no prooI IhaI Ihey have Io be maIe, so Ihere can be a IemaIe agenI.

DomesIic Violence

CIobaIIy, one ouI oI Ihree women has been beaIen or sexuaIIy abused In IheIr IIIeIIme.
In AmerIca, Ihree mIIIIon women are baIIered every year.
ApproxImaIeIy 10 mIIIIon chIIdren are exposed Io domesIIc vIoIence each year.

Are MusIIm women more suscepIIbIe7
BarrIers: wrong reIIgIous beIIeIs, cuIIuraI, IInguIsIIc
IsoIaIIon: Irom home, IamIIy, adopIed communIIy
InIImIdaIed: men's predomInance In communIIy and organIzaIIons, Ianguage
Issues, Iack oI knowIedge oI rIghIs
LconomIc IacIors: IoreIgn decree, no work experIence, dependence on abuser,
H4 vIsa
InvoIvemenI: InIaws, exIended IamIIy
ImmIgraIIon sIaIus: vIews oI ImmIgraIIon sysIem as arbIIrary and oppressIve

II Ihere Is poIenIIaI Ior abuse, Ihen IaIk abouI II wIIh Ihe IamIIIes. DomesIIc abuse has a
greaI ImpacI on chIIdren.

PhysIcaI
SexuaIIy
LmoIIonaIIy
VerbaI

AcIIvIIy

The #1 marIIaI probIem Is mIscommunIcaIIon.

WhaI do you IhInk are Ihe 7 cIearesI red sIgns IhaI a marrIage Is In danger7
1. Lack oI compromIse
2. LyIng
3. Lack oI IrusI
4. NoI spendIng IIme wIIh each oIher.
S. CheaIIng
6. Abuse
7. Lack oI repecI.

CreaIe a 7 sIep peace pIan Ior Ihe IamIIy.
1. Speak good or remaIn sIIenI.
9!

2. Be proacIIve and do noI bIame Ihe oIher person.
3. Pray IogeIher.
4. Don'I go Io sIeep whIIe you are mad aI your spouse.
S. CommunIcaIe your probIems
6. When you are caIm, make a IIsI oI why you IeII In Iove wIIh Ihe person In Ihe
IIrsI pIace. Look aI oIher good quaIIIIes Ihe person has.
7. Be aIIecIIonaIe.

Seven words IhaI can Iurn everyIhIng around:
1. I was wrong
2. I Iove you
3. I'm sorry
4. PIease expIaIn Io me.
S. PIease IorgIve me.
6. I need you.
7. LeI's go Io your IavorIIe resIauranI.

Divorce

LInguIsIIc deIInIIIon: seIIIng Iree
TechnIcaI deIInIIIon: dIssoIvIng Ihe marIIaI conIracI

Reasons Ior dIvorce
A cause Ior dIvorce Is sIns. AIIah (subhanahu waIa'aIa) Iakes away Ihe bounIy
IhaI He besIowed upon you. In Surah TaIaq, In each ayah AIIah (subhanahu
waIa'aIa) menIIons HIs Name. When AIIah (subhanahu waIa'aIa) IaIks abouI
dIvorce, He menIIons Ihe HereaIIer and remInds us IhaI He Is waIchIng and
IIsIenIng. AIso AIIah (subhanahu waIa'aIa) IeIIs us Io be mIndIuI oI Ihe saIah and
noI Io mIss Ihe saIah.

Shaykh AbduIBary saId IhaI when Ihere Is a dIvorce, he asks Ihe peopIe II Ihey
are commIIIed Io Ihe prayer, especIaIIy saIaI aI asr, and Ihey wouId repIy IhaI
Ihey usuaIIy mIss saIaI aI asr and are noI commIIIed Io Ihe saIah.

The parenIs dId noI raIse Ihe chIId upon good manners. II one oI Ihem Is
spoIIed, Ihey may mess up Ihe marrIage. We Ieave our chIIdren Io be raIsed by
Ihe IhIrd parenI: Ihe IeIevIsIon. LIsIen Io Shaykh Muhammad AIShareeI's
IecIure: The ThIrd ParenI. A person may be raIsed In a way Io noI respecI
women, whIch Is raIsIng Ihe son In a bad way. Some daughIers acI IIke a man,
and IhIs Is a common reason Ior dIvorce. She IeeIs IhaI she Is noI dIIIerenI Ihan
Ihe man, and she Is noI IemInIne.

They dId noI make a good choIce In Ihe begInnIng and rushed Io marry. They
marrIed Ihe person Ior a wrong reason. Take InIo consIderaIIon Ihe dIIIerences
beIween each oIher and dIIIerenI cuIIures.

There Is no Iear oI AIIah (subhanahu waIa'aIa). PeopIe are noI reIIgIous enough
Io know IhaI II Is a commIImenI. WhaI wIII happen Io Ihe woman or man aIIer
dIvorce7 PeopIe are careIess.

LIIe has become very maIerIaIIsIIc. There Is a dry reIaIIonshIp beIween Ihe Iwo
parIIes. They are boIh workIng.

94

The wrong InvoIvemenI wIIh oIhers In marIIaI IIIe such as InIaws, IrIends,
IamIIy.

SomeIImes peopIe marry wIIhouI IakIng opInIons. When puI InIo a Iorced
marrIage, II Is IIkeIy Io end In dIvorce.

ComparIng Io your IaIher, exhusband, IdeaI man, IrIend's husband. ThIs can
Iead Io dIvorce and probIems.

CorrupIIon In Ierms oI moraIIIy and IndecenI acIs.

No compaIIbIIIIy In Ierms oI InIImacy.

Many women do noI vaIue Ihe marIIaI reIaIIonshIp because Ihey acI IIke men and
are workIng.

LookIng Ior an IdeaI husband or wIIe and noI beIng wIIIIng Io seIIIe.

DIvorce Is In oId IradIIIons. When IbrahIm (aIayhI saIaam) wenI Io vIsII hIs son and meI
hIs wIIe, he IoId her Io IeII hIs son Io change hIs doorsIep, and hIs son knew IhaI IhIs
meanI Io dIvorce her.

DIvorce In IsIam was puI In Ihe hand oI Ihe husband. In 18
Ih
cenIury LngIand, onIy Ihe
members oI ParIIamenI couId dIvorce. Today, Ihe judge gIves Ihe dIvorce. IsIamIcaIIy,
In generaI Ihe dIvorce Is In Ihe hand oI Ihe husband.

The ruIIng oI dIvorce
In generaI, dIvorce Is noI recommended. There Is a Iamous hadeeIh IhaI Ihe mosI haIed
permIssIbIe acI Io AIIah Is dIvorce, and II Is reporIed by Abu Dawud. ThIs hadeeIh was
reporIed by MuharrIIh Ibn HIIhar who never meI Ihe PropheI (saI AIIahu aIayhI wa
saIIam); IhereIore, Ihere Is a broken chaIn because he saId "Ihe PropheI (saI AIIahu
aIayhI wa saIIam)." ThIs hadeeIh Is a weak narraIIon.

SahIh MusIIm: The ShayIan puI hIs Ihrone In Ihe ocean and asked hIs IoIIowers Io come,
and he asked Ihem whaI Ihey had done. One oI Ihem saId IhaI he had convInced a man
Io dIvorce hIs wIIe, and Ihe ShayIan asked hIm Io come Ihe cIosesI Io hIm.
Broken IamIIIes mean broken socIeIIes.

The schoIars saId Ihe IIve ruIIngs can appIy Io dIvorce:
ObIIgaIory: II someone makes an oaIh IhaI he wIII noI Iouch hIs wIIe Ior Iour
monIhs, Ihen aIIer Iour monIhs, he Is obIIgaIed Io dIvorce her.
Recommended: II Is recommended Ior boIh sIdes II Ihey cannoI IuIIIII IheIr
rIghIs Io each oIher and cannoI IIve In peace.
PermIssIbIe: He or she has characIerIsIIcs or hobbIes you are noI pIeased wIIh.
NoI recommended (makrooh): CoupIes whose IIves are smooIh and Ihey have
chIIdren and Ihe woman Is rIghIeous and good, buI Ihe man wanIs a dIvorce Ior
no vaIId reason.
IorbIdden: When a woman Is dIvorced whIIe she Is In her menses. DIvorcIng a
woman aIIer havIng InIercourse wIIh her whIIe she Is pregnanI.

The pIIIars oI dIvorce:
1. The husband or hIs agenI musI be compeIenI.
9

II Ihe husband Ieaves IsIam, Ihen he cannoI dIvorce her because he Is noI a
husband. The momenI he became nonMusIIm, Ihe marrIage Is ImmedIaIeIy
nuIIIIIed and broken.
WhaI II a man dIvorced her whIIe drunk: The majorIIy oI schoIars say IhaI IhIs
wIII noI be consIdered a dIvorce. ThIs Is Ihe opInIon oI Umar, UIhman, one
opInIon oI ShaII'ee, some MaIIkI schoIars, AI TahawI. They say IhaI Ihe person
who Is drunk does noI know whaI he Is sayIng. Ibn TaymIyyah aIso supporIed
IhIs. OIher schoIars saId IhaI IhIs wouId be consIdered dIvorce. Sayeed Ibn
MusayyIb, Az ZuhrI, IasI opInIon oI ShaII'ee, Imam MaaIIk, one narraIIon Irom
Imam Ahmad.

A IaIher cannoI dIvorce on your behaII II you are young.

II a person Is Insane, hIs dIvorce wIII noI counI.

2. InIenIIon
You have Io InIend Io do Ihe dIvorce. HadeeIh In Abu Dawud: "There Is no
dIvorce In compuIsIon." ThIs Is Ihe opInIon oI Umar (radhI AIIahu 'anhu), AI
Hasan AI BasrI, MaaIIk, ShaII'ee, Ibn Hazm

OIher schoIars saId IhaI Ihe dIvorce wouId Iake pIace.

WhaI II someone was angry and dIvorces ouI oI anger7 The schoIars have
cIassIIIed anger InIo Ihree caIegorIes:
1) A person Is so angry Io Ihe exIenI IhaI he Is Insane. ThIs person cannoI IeII
Ihe dIIIerence beIween up and down. In Ihe case oI a person In IhIs sIaIus, Ihen
Ihe judge asks psychoIogIsIs and psychIaIrIsIs Io InIorm Ihem II Ihe person's
anger reached IhIs IeveI. II Ihey say IhaI II dId reach IhaI IeveI, Ihen he Is IreaIed
IIke someone who Is Insane, and hIs dIvorce Is noI consIdered vaIId.
2) A person Is abIe Io know IhaI Ihe person Is hIs wIIe and knows hIs
surroundIngs, buI he Is so angry IhaI he cannoI conIroI hIs words anymore. The
majorIIy saId IhaI Ihe dIvorce In a case IIke IhIs Is counIed. OIhers saId IhaI Ihe
dIvorce wouId noI counI, and IhIs Is Ihe opInIon oI Shaykh UIhaymeen and Ibn
AI QayyIm.
3) A person has common anger. Lveryone who dIvorces Is usuaIIy angry. WhaI
abouI II someone Is jokIng7 The ShaII'ees and HanaIIs and Ihe majorIIy oI Ihe
Iuqahah saId II Is consIdered a dIvorce. They base IheIr argumenI on Ihe
hadeeIh oI Ihe PropheI (saI AIIahu aIayhI wa saIIam) sayIng IhaI Ihree IhIngs wIII
be serIous even II a person Is noI serIous abouI Ihem: marrIage, dIvorce, and
IreeIng Ihe sIave. ThIs hadeeIh Is noI auIhenIIc because Iwo oI Ihe narraIors
never meI, so Ihere Is a broken chaIn oI narraIors. There are oIher narraIIons
IhaI II was a sIaIemenI oI Umar.
On Ihe oIher hand, Ihe HanabIIah and Imam MaaIIk saId II wouId noI be
consIdered dIvorce. LvIdence: The PropheI (saI AIIahu aIayhI wa saIIam) saId,
"AII deeds are based on InIenIIon" and Ihe person dId noI InIend Io dIvorce her.
HIs sIaIemenI Is wrong and shouId noI be saId, and Ihe judge may dIvorce her
Irom hIm as a Irom oI punIshmenI.

3. The subjecI oI dIvorce
You have Io dIvorce your wIIe. ThIs wIIe musI be your wIIe or In her waIIIng
perIod. You cannoI dIvorce your wIIe aIIer her deaIh or In her 'Iddah perIod.

4. The wordIng
96

"You are dIvorced." Can he say any word7 The words can be ImpIIcII or expIIcII. A
person can say: "ThaI Is Ihe end beIween us." Is IhIs dIvorce7 II Is possIbIe eIIher
way. "CeI ouI oI my house." These are ImpIIcII words and IndIrecI words oI dIvorce.
The person musI be asked whaI hIs InIenIIon was. II hIs InIenIIon was dIvorce, Ihen
II Is consIdered a dIvorce.

"DIvorce Is IwIce. Then eIIher keep |her] In an accepIabIe manner or reIease |her] wIIh
good IreaImenI." |2:229]

Thawbaan (radhI AIIahu 'anhu) narraIed IhaI Ihe Messenger oI AIIah (saI AIIahu aIayhI
wa saIIam) saId, "Any woman who asks her husband Ior a dIvorce when II Is noI
absoIuIeIy necessary, Ihe Iragrance oI ParadIse wIII be IorbIdden Io her." |Abu Dawood,
TIrmIdhI, and Ibn Majah]

"O PropheI, when you |MusIIms] dIvorce women, dIvorce Ihem Ior |Ihe commencemenI
oI] IheIr waIIIng perIod and keep counI oI Ihe waIIIng perIod, and Iear AIIah , your Lord.
Do noI Iurn Ihem ouI oI IheIr |husbands'] houses, nor shouId Ihey |IhemseIves] Ieave
|durIng IhaI perIod] unIess Ihey are commIIIIng a cIear ImmoraIIIy. And Ihose are Ihe
IImIIs |seI by] AIIah. And whoever Iransgresses Ihe IImIIs oI AIIah has cerIaInIy wronged
hImseII. You know noI; perhaps AIIah wIII brIng abouI aIIer IhaI a |dIIIerenI] maIIer."
|6S:1]

|When we caIegorIze IhIngs, we Iook aI dIIIerenI perspecIIves.]

The caIegorIes oI dIvorce
Irom Ihe perspecIIve oI IIs ruIIng:
1. AI IaIaaq as sunnI
ThIs means IhaI II was done accordIng Io Ihe SharI'ah.
2. AI IaIaaq aIbId'ee
ThIs mean IhaI II was a sIn and done agaInsI Ihe Iaws oI IsIam.

CondIIIons oI aIIaIaaq aIsunnI
1. The wIIe musI be Iree oI her menses aI Ihe IIme when Ihe dIvorce Is pronounced
2. The dIvorce was pronounced aI Ihe IIme oI her purIIy, whereIn Ihey had no
sexuaI InIercourse, or aI Ihe IIme when Ihe wIIe Is cIear IhaI she Is pregnanI.
3. The dIvorce was pronounced aI one IIme onIy.

AI Ihe IIme oI Ihe PropheI (saI AIIahu aIayhI wa saIIam), AbduIIah Ibn Umar dIvorced hIs
wIIe whIIe she was In her menses, so Ihe PropheI (saI AIIahu aIayhI wa saIIam) IoId Umar
(radhI AIIahu 'anhu) Io order hIs son Io Iake her back and keep her unIII she became
pure and Ihen had her menses agaIn and Ihen became pure, and Ihen II he wIIIs he may
keep her aIIerwards or dIvorce her beIore he Iouches her. |MusIIm]

Ibn Umar dIvorced hIs wIIe whIIe she was sIIII In her menses. |MusIIm]

oI] IheIr waIIIng perIod and keep counI oI Ihe waIIIng perIod, and Iear AIIah, your Lord.
hImseII. You know noI; perhaps AIIah wIII brIng abouI aIIer IhaI a |dIIIerenI] maIIer."
|6S:1]

Does bId'ee dIvorce counI7
9

SchoIars have debaIed over IhIs. The vasI majorIIy oI Ihe schoIars (Iour madhahIb) saId
IhaI II counIs as dIvorce (Ibn Hajar, An NawawI). Why7 Because Ihe PropheI (saI AIIahu
aIayhI wa saIIam) saId Io Umar Io order hIs son Io Iake her back, and IhIs wouId noI
happen unIess he was aIready dIvorced. AIso, Ihere Is a narraIIon oI Ibn Umar IhaI II
was counIed as one dIvorce. (The auIhenIIcIIy oI IhIs narraIIon was debaIed.)

Ibn TaymIyyah and Ibn AI QayyIm saId II does noI counI, and whaIever Is based on
wrong Is wrong, and when Ihe PropheI (saI AIIahu aIayhI wa saIIam) ordered AbduIIah
Ibn Umar Io Iake her back, II was noI because he was dIvorced buI because he was
separaIed Irom her. In anoIher narraIIon, Ibn Umar saId he dId noI counI II as a
dIvorce.

NoIe: he does noI have Io waII Ior Iwo cycIes, buI can do II aIIer one. II Is onIy
recommended.

ShouId Ihe person waII Ior her menses Io IInIsh or waII unIII she purIIIes herseII
beIore dIvorce may be pronounced7
AIIer her menses has IInIshed and noI aIIer she Iakes a shower.

WhaI are Ihe ruIIngs Ior women In nIIaas (experIencIng posIparIum bIeedIng) and
Ihose who do noI mensIruaIe7
II she Is In nIIaas or IsIIhaadah (bIeedIng), Ihen she Iakes Ihe same ruIe as Ihe one who
has her perIod. II Ihere Is a woman who doesn'I mensIruaIe, Ihen you have Io waII one
monIh aIIer InIercourse and Ihen can InIIIaIe Ihe dIvorce.

The ruIIng oI havIng wIInesses Ior Ihe dIvorce
AIIah (subhanahu waIa'aIa) ordered us Io have wIInesses over Ihe dIvorce. The vasI
majorIIy oI schoIars say IhaI II Is recommended Io have wIInesses.

Imam Abu HanIIah, Imam Ahmad, Imam ShaII'ee, and one narraIIon oI Imam MaaIIk saId
IhaI wIInesses are noI an obIIgaIIon and onIy recommended. Ibn Hazm and Ihe DhahIrIs
saId IhaI II Is waajIb Io have wIInesses over Ihe dIvorce. Ibn TaymIyyah saId IhaI Ihere
were many dIvorces durIng Ihe IIme oI Ihe PropheI (saI AIIahu aIayhI wa saIIam) and we
never heard oI Ihe PropheI (saI AIIahu aIayhI wa saIIam) askIng II Ihere were wIInesses
or noI.

AI AIbanI has an opInIon IhaI no oIhers Iook. HIs opInIon was very sIrange: dIvorce Is
noI vaIId wIIhouI wIInesses.

oI] IheIr waIIIng perIod and keep counI oI Ihe waIIIng perIod, and Iear AIIah , your Lord.
hImseII. You know noI; perhaps AIIah wIII brIng abouI aIIer IhaI a |dIIIerenI] maIIer.
And when Ihey have |nearIy] IuIIIIIed IheIr Ierm, eIIher reIaIn Ihem accordIng Io
accepIabIe Ierms or parI wIIh Ihem accordIng Io accepIabIe Ierms." |6S:12]

Irom Ihe perspecIIve oI IIs revocabIIIIy
1. RevocabIe (raj'ee)
DIvorce Ior Ihe IIrsI or second IIme.

2. IrrevocabIe (baa'en)
a. Major - when Ihe husband dIvorces Ihe wIIe 3 IImes
98


"And II he has dIvorced her |Ior Ihe IhIrd IIme], Ihen she Is noI IawIuI Io hIm
aIIerward unIII |aIIer] she marrIes a husband oIher Ihan hIm. And II Ihe IaIIer
husband dIvorces her |or dIes], Ihere Is no bIame upon Ihe woman and her
Iormer husband Ior reIurnIng Io each oIher II Ihey IhInk IhaI Ihey can keep
|wIIhIn] Ihe IImIIs oI AIIah. These are Ihe IImIIs oI AIIah, whIch He makes cIear Io
a peopIe who know." |2:230]

b. MInor - when Ihe dIvorce occurs beIore Ihe consummaIIon oI Ihe marrIage, In
Ihe case oI an InvaIId conIracI, and In Ihe case oI Iu'
In Ihe case oI an InvaIId conIracI, he cannoI have her back.

"O You who have beIIeved, when you marry beIIevIng women and Ihen dIvorce
Ihem beIore you have Iouched Ihem, Ihen Ihere Is noI Ior you any waIIIng perIod
Io counI concernIng Ihem. So provIde Ior Ihem and gIve Ihem a gracIous
reIease." |33:49]

Ibn Umar dIvorced hIs wIIe whIIe she was sIIII In her menses. |MusIIm]

"O PropheI, when you |MusIIms] dIvorce women, dIvorce Ihem Ior |Ihe AIIah ,
your Lord. Do noI Iurn Ihem ouI oI IheIr |husbands'] houses, nor shouId Ihey
|IhemseIves] Ieave |durIng IhaI perIod] unIess Ihey are commIIIIng a cIear
ImmoraIIIy. And Ihose are Ihe IImIIs |seI by] AIIah. And whoever Iransgresses Ihe
IImIIs oI AIIah has cerIaInIy wronged hImseII. You know noI; perhaps AIIah wIII
brIng abouI aIIer IhaI a |dIIIerenI] maIIer." |6S:1]

c. Irom Ihe perspecIIve oI how II Is communIcaIed
1) VerbaI
2) WrIIIen (onIy In Ihe case II Ihe man cannoI IaIk)
3) CesIure or sIgnaI

d. Irom Ihe perspecIIve oI Ihe IIme oI IIs eIIecI
a) ImmedIaIe: "you are dIvorced"
b) CondIIIonaI: "you are dIvorced II you Ieave IhIs room", "you are dIvorced II
Ihe nIghI comes", "you are dIvorced II you swaIIow IhIs Iood or spII II ouI"
Is condIIIonaI dIvorce accepIabIe7 The majorIIy opInIon Is IhaI we ask whaI
Ihe husband meanI by II and whaI hIs InIenIIon was. II Ihe InIenIIon was
onIy Io prevenI Ihe wIIe Irom doIng someIhIng, Ihen II was noI dIvorce. II
hIs InIenIIon was dIvorce, Ihen II Is consIdered a dIvorce. The judge asks Ihe
husband.

II your parenIs wanI you Io geI dIvorce whaI shouId you do7
Imam Ahmad was asked IhIs quesIIon and saId do noI IIsIen Io Ihe parenIs II Ihe wIIe Is
good. He was asked, "DIdn'I Umar (radhI AIIahu 'anhu) ask hIs son Io dIvorce hIs wIIe
and he dId7" He saId, "II your IaIher Is IIke Umar, Ihen obey hIm."

Can a woman dIvorce herseII7
The vasI majorIIy oI schoIars saId IhaI II Is In Ihe hand oI Ihe man and shouId be done
by Ihe man. II Is an Issue oI debaIe amongsI Ihe schoIars. She can dIvorce herseII II he
gIves her Ihe auIhorIIy. Ibn Masud saId II wouId be counIed, and Ibn Abbas aIso saId
IhIs. Ibn Hazm dIsagreed.

AlIer Divorce

99

AIIah (subhanahu waIa'aIa) saId noI Io IorgeI Ihe good IhIngs IhaI happened beIween
you.

"And II you dIvorce Ihem beIore you have Iouched Ihem and you have aIready specIIIed
Ior Ihem an obIIgaIIon, Ihen |gIve] haII oI whaI you specIIIed unIess Ihey Iorego Ihe
rIghI or Ihe one In whose hand Is Ihe marrIage conIracI Ioregoes II. And Io Iorego II Is
nearer Io rIghIeousness. And do noI IorgeI gracIousness beIween you. Indeed AIIah, oI
whaIever you do, Is SeeIng." |2:237]

In Ihe case oI dIvorce, you have Io keep Ihe IIe and Ihe reIaIIonshIp beIween you. You
shouId be maIure. You shouId noI expose Ihe secreIs aIIer dIvorce. AIIer dIvorce, you
IuIIIII Ihe rIghIs. You are noI aIIowed Io hoId IhIngs agaInsI Ihe oIher person or ruIn Ihe
oIher person's IIIe.

"And when Ihey have |nearIy] IuIIIIIed IheIr Ierm, eIIher reIaIn Ihem accordIng Io
accepIabIe Ierms or parI wIIh Ihem accordIng Io accepIabIe Ierms." |6S:2]

AIIer dIvorce, Ihe communIIy and socIeIy Is very bad Io women. DIvorced sIsIers need a
IoI oI supporI.

Al Khul'

LInguIsIIc deIInIIIon: removaI
TechnIcaI deIInIIIon: Ihe separaIIon oI Ihe wIIe Irom her husband In reIurn Ior a
paymenI receIved

AI khuI' Is permIssIbIe II Ihere Is a vaIId reason.

InIIIaIed by Ihe wIIe: ThIs Is dIIIerenI Irom common dIvorce In IhaI Ihe wIIe can
pronounce Ihe dIvorce, InsIead oI suggesIIng dIvorce Io her husband and Ihe husband
agreeIng Io II

Can he receIve more Ihan whaI he gave her In mahar7
Is khuI' a dIvorce or Iaskh (annuImenI)7

II IIs dIvorce, Ihey can go back Io each oIher durIng Ihe Iddah. II noI, Ihey cannoI reIurn
wIIhouI a new conIracI.

KhuI Is dIvorce. |MaIIkI, ShaII'ee, HanaII, HanbaII, 4 caIIphs, eIc] Imam Ahmad
saId Ihere Is no auIhenIIc narraIIon sayIng Ihe 4 caIIphs saId IhaI IhIs was
dIvorce
KhuI Is annuImenI |Ibn Abbas]
Irom Ihe HadeeIh oI ThabII, BukharI narraIed II buI Ihen raIsed doubI abouI IIs
auIhenIIcIIy In hIs commenIary
Irom Ihe 2:229, Ibn Abbas expIaIns IhaI KhuI does noI counI as one oI Ihe
dIvorces, because AIIah menIIons 3 dIvorces In Ihe verse, noI counIIng KhuI.
"DIvorce Is IwIce. Then eIIher keep |her] In an accepIabIe manner or reIease |her]
wIIh good IreaImenI." |2:229]

"And II he has dIvorced her |Ior Ihe IhIrd IIme], Ihen she Is noI IawIuI Io hIm aIIerward
unIII |aIIer] she marrIes a husband oIher Ihan hIm. And II Ihe IaIIer husband dIvorces
her |or dIes], Ihere Is no bIame upon Ihe woman and her Iormer husband Ior reIurnIng
Io each oIher II Ihey IhInk IhaI Ihey can keep |wIIhIn] Ihe IImIIs oI AIIah. These are Ihe
IImIIs oI AIIah, whIch He makes cIear Io a peopIe who know." |2:230]
100


II Is a consensus IhaI II Is permIssIbIe Ior a woman Io ask Ior dIvorce
The PropheI (saI AIIahu aIayhI wa saIIam) saId no women who asks Ior dIvorce wIII smeII
Ihe Iragrance oI paradIse. ThIs HadeeIh reIers Io women who wanI dIvorce sImpIy so
Ihey can enjoy oIher men.
Thawbaan (radhI AIIahu 'anhu) narraIed IhaI Ihe Messenger oI AIIah (saI AIIahu aIayhI
wa saIIam) saId, "Any woman who asks her husband Ior a dIvorce when II Is noI
absoIuIeIy necessary, Ihe Iragrance oI ParadIse wIII be IorbIdden Io her." |Abu Dawood,
TIrmIdhI, and Ibn Majah]

The condIIIons oI aI khuI'
1. ThaI II happens Irom a husband who Is eIIgIbIe Io make dIvorce
2. ThaI Ihere Is recompense gIven
3. ThaI II Is ImmedIaIe, noI condIIIonaI
4. ThaI II Is noI done as a IrIck Io avoId dIvorce
S. ThaI II Is noI pronounced In Ihe Iorm oI dIvorce
6. ThaI Ihe InIenIIon Is noI one oI dIvorce

The waIIIng perIod ('Iddah) IoIIowIng khuI'
Two opInIons:
One mensIruaI cycIe
The sIandard 3 cycIes

Al laskh

LInguIsIIc deIInIIIon: breakIng oII or separaIIon
TechnIcaI deIInIIIon: Ihe ImmedIaIe dIssoIuIIon oI a marrIage by a judge

The waIIIng perIod ('Iddah)
Does II need Io be done In a specIIIc IIme7
Is II revocabIe7
Does II counI as one dIvorce7
The reasons oI aI Iaskh
Reasons IhaI are IncIdenIaI and cause Ihe nuIIIIIcaIIon oI Ihe marrIage conIracI.
LxampIe: husband , wIIe converI ouI oI IsIam.
Reasons IhaI prevIousIy exIsIed and cause Ihe nuIIIIIcaIIon oI Ihe marrIage
conIracI.
LxampIe: you IInd ouI IaIer IhaI your wIIe Is your mahram due Io breasIIeedIng,
Ihe wIIe you marrIed Is aIready marrIed.
Reasons reIaIed Io a deIecI In Ihe husband or Ihe wIIe.
LxampIe: WIIe IInds ouI IhaI her husband cannoI physIcaIIy perIorm
InIercourse.
Reasons reIaIed Io Ihe IuIIIIImenI oI Ihe condIIIons oI Ihe marrIage.
LxampIe: CIrI was marrIed wIIhouI consenI,aI young age, and decIdes she does
noI wanI Io conIInue Ihe conIracI

Al 'lddah (The WaiIing Period)

LInguIsIIc deIInIIIon: Irom 'add, whIch means counIIng
TechnIcaI deIInIIIon: Ihe IIme perIod ordaIned by Ihe SharI'ah Ior a woman who parIs
Irom her husband vIa hIs deaIh or dIvorce, aIIer whIch she Is compIeIeIy separaIed Irom
Ihe marrIage conIracI and Is aIIowed Io remarry.

Types:
101

3 MensIruaI CycIes (have reguIar menses, have had conjugaI reIaIIons, noI
pregnanI)
3 monIhs (have had conjugaI reIaIIons, menopausaI women or pre menarche
women)
4 monIhs, 10 days (non pregnanI wIdows wheIher marrIage has been
consummaIed or noI)
ChIIdbIrIh (Ior pregnanI wIves, Ior pregnanI women whose husbands dIvorced
Ihem or dIed)
No waiting period (Divorced wives whose marriage has not been consummated)

II a husband dIsappears:
WaII one year, Ihen begIn Iddah oI a wIdow
WaII IIve years
WaII Ien years
WaIIIng perIod depends on Ihe decIsIon governor oI Ihe cIIy
II Ihe husband comes back aIIer Ihe woman's Iddah and she marrIes agaIn, eIc.
a. II Ihe marrIage has noI been consummaIed, she goes back Io her IIrsI
husband
b. II Ihe marrIage has been consummaIed, she has a choIce Io go back or
noI

The causes oI Ihe 'Iddah
DIvorce
DeaIh
The 'Iddah oI khuI' and Iaskh

DIvorced women are Iwo caIegorIes:
1. DIvorced prIor Io Ihe consummaIIon oI marrIage
"O You who have beIIeved, when you marry beIIevIng women and Ihen dIvorce
Ihem beIore you have Iouched Ihem, Ihen Ihere Is noI Ior you any waIIIng perIod
Io counI concernIng Ihem. So provIde Ior Ihem and gIve Ihem a gracIous
reIease." |33:49]

2. DIvorced aIIer Ihe consummaIIon oI Ihe marrIage
a. PregnanI and nonpregnanI

"And Ihose who no Ionger expecI mensIruaIIon among your women - II you
doubI, Ihen IheIr perIod Is Ihree monIhs, and |aIso Ior] Ihose who have noI
mensIruaIed. And Ior Ihose who are pregnanI, IheIr Ierm Is unIII Ihey gIve
bIrIh. And whoever Iears AIIah - He wIII make Ior hIm oI hIs maIIer ease."
|6S:4]

b. The nonpregnanI women are Ihree caIegorIes:
I) The one who has reguIar mensIruaI cycIe.
"And Ihose who are Iaken In deaIh among you and Ieave wIves behInd
- Ihey, |Ihe wIves, shaII] waII Iour monIhs and Ien |days]. And when
Ihey have IuIIIIIed IheIr Ierm, Ihen Ihere Is no bIame upon you Ior
whaI Ihey do wIIh IhemseIves In an accepIabIe manner. And AIIah Is
|IuIIy] AcquaInIed wIIh whaI you do."|2:234]

"DIvorced women remaIn In waIIIng Ior Ihree perIods, and II Is noI
IawIuI Ior Ihem Io conceaI whaI AIIah has creaIed In IheIr wombs II
Ihey beIIeve In AIIah and Ihe LasI Day. And IheIr husbands have more
rIghI Io Iake Ihem back In IhIs |perIod] II Ihey wanI reconcIIIaIIon.
102

And due Io Ihe wIves Is sImIIar Io whaI Is expecIed oI Ihem,
accordIng Io whaI Is reasonabIe. BuI Ihe men have a degree over Ihem
|In responsIbIIIIy and auIhorIIy]. And AIIah Is LxaIIed In MIghI and
WIse." |2:228]

AI Qur': Does II reIer Io Ihe IIme oI mensIruaIIon or Ihe IIme oI
purIIy Irom mensIruaIIon7

II) The one who does noI have a mensIruaI cycIe
III) The one who does noI have reguIar mensIruaI cycIe.

The 'Iddah oI Ihe wIdow
"And Ihose who are Iaken In deaIh among you and Ieave wIves behInd - Ihey, |Ihe wIves,
shaII] waII Iour monIhs and Ien |days]. And when Ihey have IuIIIIIed IheIr Ierm, Ihen
Ihere Is no bIame upon you Ior whaI Ihey do wIIh IhemseIves In an accepIabIe manner.
And AIIah Is |IuIIy] AcquaInIed wIIh whaI you do." |2:234]

WhaI Is Ihe 'Iddah oI Ihe woman whose husband Is mIssIng7

IInancIaI SupporI and housIng Ior Ihe woman In 'Iddah
In Ihe case oI revocabIe dIvorce, Ihe woman Is enIIIIed Io IInancIaI supporI and
housIng
The pregnanI, dIvorced woman whose 'Iddah Is caused by deaIh Is enIIIIed Io
housIng onIy
In Ihe case oI IrrevocabIe dIvorce, Ihere Is a dIIIerence oI opInIon. AI Imam
Ahmad saId IhaI she deserves neIIher housIng nor supporI. Ash ShaII'ee saId
she Is Io receIve housIng onIy.

Al MiI'ah

DeIInIIIon: An addIIIonaI IInancIaI compensaIIon gIven by a man Io hIs wIIe aIIer
dIvorce.


"And Ior dIvorced women Is a provIsIon accordIng Io whaI Is accepIabIe - a duIy upon
Ihe rIghIeous." |2:241]

IIs ruIIng
Some say II Is recommended Io aIways gIve mII'ah.

Women enIIIIed Io aImII'ah
Women noI enIIIIed Io aImII'ah

Al Raj'ah (Taking back Ihe divorce)

LInguIsIIc deIInIIIon: Irom arrujoo', whIch means reIurn
TechnIcaI deIInIIIon: The reIurn oI Ihe wIIe Io her husband durIng Ihe 'Iddah In Ihe case
oI a revocabIe dIvorce wIIhouI a new conIracI

10!

In Ihe case oI a revocabIe dIvorce, a man can Iake back hIs wIIe In Ihree ways:
VerbaI
SexuaI InIercourse
LovIng acIs and gesIures (such as kIssIng and huggIng)
The raj'ah does noI requIre waII, mahar (dower) or Ihe wIIe's consenI
II Is recommended Io have Iwo wIInesses Ior Ihe raj'ah

The condIIIons oI aIraj'ah
AIIer consummaIIon oI Ihe marrIage
AIIer vaIId dIvorce
AIIer revocabIe dIvorce
DurIng 'Iddah
ImmedIaIe, noI condIIIonaI
The dIvorce was wIIh no recompense (khuI')

ReIurnIng Ihe wIIe aIIer an IrrevocabIe dIvorce:
II a man dIvorces a woman Ihree IImes, she becomes haram Ior hIm aIIer Ihe
IhIrd dIvorce. BuI II she marrIes anoIher man aIIer Ihe IhIrd dIvorce, she
becomes haIaI Ior Ihe IIrsI husband on IuIIIIImenI oI Ihe IoIIowIng condIIIons:
I. The marrIage wIIh Ihe second person shouId have been oI permanenI
naIure. II he conIracIs wIIh her a Iemporary marrIage Ior one monIh or a
year, and Ihen separaIes Irom her, Ihe husband cannoI marry her.
II. The second husband shouId have had sexuaI InIercourse wIIh her, and
Ihe obIIgaIory precauIIon Is IhaI Ihe sexuaI InIercourse shouId have Iaken
pIace In Ihe normaI way.
III. The second husband dIvorces her or dIes.
Iv. The waIIIng perIod ('Iddah) oI dIvorce or 'Iddah oI deaIh oI Ihe second
husband shouId have come Io an end.

How Io make your apoIogy accepIed
CIaIm responsIbIIIIy. Don'I shIII bIame or make excuses. ApoIogIze sIncereIy.
Words are noI enough; II you don'I beIIeve II, don'I say II
Remorse and punIshmenI. MusI show IhaI you regreI your acIIons.
LxpIanaIIon oI Ihe wrong. II you connecI your mIsIake Io Iear, Ihe opposIng
parIy wIII wIIIIngIy IorgIve you. Iear makes vuInerabIIIIy and Is very persuasIve
and reIaIabIe
LxpIaIn IhaI Ihe wrong you dId had no beneIII Ior you. Show IhaI your acIIons
produced no beneIII and IhaI you were IIIIed wIIh guIII and mIsery Ihe enIIre
IIme. ThIs wIII resIore In Ihe oIher's mInd IhaI you wIII never do II agaIn. ParI oI
IheIr anger Is Iear oI repeIIIIon and beneIII Irom a IhIrd parIy

Child CusIody

LInguIsIIc deIInIIIon: Irom AIHdhn, whIch means Ihe sIde.
TechnIcaI deIInIIIon: ProIecIIng and raIsIng a chIId and IakIng care oI hIs needs, boIh
physIcaI and reIIgIous.

The moIher and her IamIIy are Ihe mosI deservIng oI cusIody.

'AbdAIIah Ibn 'Amr (radhI AIIahu 'anhu) narraIed, IhaI a woman saId: O Messenger oI
AIIah, my womb was a vesseI Ior IhIs son oI mIne and my breasIs gave hIm Io drInk, and
he resIed In my Iap. BuI hIs IaIher has dIvorced me and wanIs Io Iake hIm Irom me. The
104

Messenger oI AIIah (peace and bIessIngs oI AIIah be upon hIm) saId Io her: "You have
more rIghI Io hIm so Iong as you do noI geI marrIed agaIn." |Ahmad and Abu Dawood]

Yahyaa Ibn Sa'eed saId: "I heard aIQaasIm Ibn Muhammad saId: 'Umar Ibn aIKhaIIaab
had a wIIe Irom among Ihe Ansaar who bore hIm 'AasIm Ibn 'Umar, Ihen 'Umar dIvorced
her. 'Umar came Io Quba' and Iound hIs son 'AasIm pIayIng In Ihe courIyard oI Ihe
mosque. He Iook hIm by Ihe arm and seaIed hIm In IronI oI hIm on hIs rIdInganImaI,
buI Ihe chIId's grandmoIher caughI up wIIh hIm and IoughI wIIh hIm over Ihe chIId
unIII Ihey wenI Io Abu Bakr aISIddeeq. 'Umar saId, '(He Is) my son!' and Ihe woman saId,
'(He Is) my son!' Abu Bakr saId: 'Leave Ihem aIone,' and 'Umar dId noI answer back."
|MaaIIk and AI BayhaqI] Ibn Abd AI Barr saId: IhIs hadeeIh Is weII known wIIh a varIeIy
oI Isnaads, compIeIe, and IncompIeIe, and Is accepIed by Ihe schoIars.

AccordIng Io some reporIs, |Abu Bakr] saId: Ihe moIher Is more compassIonaIe, kInder,
more mercIIuI, more IovIng and more generous, and she has more rIghI Io her chIId
unIess she remarrIes.

CusIody oI Ihe InIanI: by deIauII, Ihe InIanI goes Io Ihe moIher
CusIody oI Ihe oIder chIIdren
OIder chIIdren sIay wIIh Ihe moIher dependIng on deveIopmenI and age. When Ihe
chIId reaches Ihe age oI seven, II maIe, he shouId be gIven Ihe choIce beIween hIs
parenIs, and he shouId IIve wIIh Ihe one who Is dearesI Io hIm. UnIII he has a compIeIe
seI oI IeeIh, Is poIIy IraIned, can seII Ieed.

WIIh regards Io a IemaIe, Ihere Is a dIIIerence oI opInIon among Ihe schoIars:
Ash ShaII'ee saId: She shouId aIso be gIven Ihe choIce
Abu HanIIah saId: The moIher has more rIghI Io her unIII she geIs marrIed or
mensIruaIes
MaaIIk saId: The moIher has more rIghI Io her unIII she geIs marrIed and her
husband consummaIes Ihe marrIage wIIh her
Ahmad saId: The IaIher has more rIghI Io her because Ihe IaIher Is Ihe besI one
Io Iook aIIer her

II Ihe moIher geIs marrIed, she Ioses Ihe cusIody oI Ihe chIIdren.
Who deserves Ihe cusIody oI Ihe chIIdren aIIer Ihe moIher7
MaIernaI grandmoIher
IaIher
PaIernaI grandIaIher

CondIIIons oI Ihe guardIan:
IsIam |HanaII, oIhers] Say guardIan can be non MusIIm II Ihey wIII noI
Iorce a dIIIerenI reIIgIon on Ihe chIId
SanIIy
PhysIcaI maIurIIy
TrusIworIhIness
Ireedom
Mahram (In Ihe case oI Ihe cusIody oI a gIrI)

The guardIan deserves Io be IInancIaIIy compensaIed Ior hIs,her servIce.
|udged per sIIuaIIon, buI Ihey shouId be compensaIed.

"LeI Ihe rIch man spend accordIng Io hIs means; and Ihe man whose resources are
resIrIcIed, IeI hIm spend accordIng Io whaI AIIah has gIven hIm. AIIah puIs no burden
10

on any person beyond whaI He has gIven hIm. AIIah wIII granI aIIer hardshIp, ease."
|6S:7]

Review

Is II aIIowed Ior a MusIIm maIe Io marry a ChrIsIIan or |ew IemaIe7
Yes. AbduIIah Ibn Umar dIsagreed wIIh IhIs. He saId IhaI Ihe verse aIIowIng MusIIms Io
marry a ChrIsIIan or |ewIsh woman Is abrogaIed In Ihe Quran by Ihe verse: 'do noI
marry a nonbeIIever.' Ibn Umar saId IhaI Ihere Is no greaIer kuIr Ihan sayIng |esus Is
Ihe son oI Cod. He Iook Ihe posIIIon IhaI II Is noI aIIowed Io marry ChrIsIIan or |ews.
DId any schoIars IaIer on hoId IhIs opInIon7 No. Ibn TaymIyyah saId IhaI Ibn Umar's
posIIIon Is :IndI (weak opInIon) and rejecIed because Ihere Is no one Irom Ihe
companIons or Ihe IabI'een who Iook IhaI posIIIon. There were a Iarge number oI
companIons marrIed Io ChrIsIIans or |ews IncIudIng TaIha, |aabIr, eIc. Umar (radhI
AIIahu 'anhu) ordered HudhayIah, Abu Musa, TaIha, and oIher companIons Io dIvorce
Ihe ChrIsIIan or |ewIsh women Ihey were marrIed Io. Why7 Because Ihey were
candIdaIes Ior beIng Ihe khaIIIah; IhereIore, Ior naIIonaI securIIy reasons, he gave IhIs
order because IheIr counIrIes were aI war wIIh Ihe MusIIms. Can we use IhIs sIory oI
Umar as a prooI Io marry ChrIsIIans or |ews7 DIvorce onIy happens aIIer a vaIId
marrIage conIracI. ThereIore, Umar orderIng Ihem Io dIvorce Ihese women means IhaI
he beIIeved IhaI IhIs marrIage conIracI was vaIId.

There Is a condIIIon Ihe schoIars puI on marryIng a ChrIsIIan or |ewIsh woman: Ihey
beIIeve In Ihe reIIgIon, Ihey do noI pracIIce prosIIIuIIon.

WhaI Is Ihe ruIIng In regards Io marryIng ChrIsIIan or |ewIsh women7
II Is dIsIIked. When a man marrIes a MusIImah, he shouId Iook Ior a pIous woman, and
Ihe ChrIsIIan or |ewIsh woman Is noI even a MusIIm.

Is II aIIowed Ior a person Io marry a nonChrIsIIan or |ewIsh woman7
II Is noI permIssIbIe by Ihe consensus oI Ihe MusIIm schoIars. WhaI abouI a MusIImah
marryIng a nonMusIIm7 II Is noI permIssIbIe. ProoI: "Do noI marry your daughIers Io
nonMusIIms unIII Ihey beIIeve." Why Is IhIs dIIIerenI7 1) In generaI, men are Ihe
Ieaders oI Ihe househoId, and Ihe MusIIms beIIeve In ChrIsIIanIIy and |udaIsm, buI Ihe
reverse Is noI Irue. MusIIms wouId respecI Ihe oIher person's reIIgIon. A MusIIm man Is
noI aIIowed Io sIop hIs wIIe Irom goIng Io church or havIng a copy oI Ihe BIbIe, and
Ihese ruIes are noI Iound In oIher reIIgIons. 2) IsIamIcaIIy, chIIdren IoIIow Ihe reIIgIon
oI Ihe IaIher. 3) AIIah (subhanahu waIa'aIa) wanIs Io gIve auIhorIIy and Ihe upper hand
Io Ihe beIIevers, and Ihe husband has Ihe auIhorIIy In Ihe house.

Whenever an Issue oI IhIs comes up, Shaykh WaIeed uses Ihe IncIdenI oI |IbreeI. There
Is a verse repeaIed Ihree IImes In Ihree IncIdenIs: 1) AIIah IoId Mary she wouId have a
boy, 2) AIIah IoId IbrahIm he wouId have a son, 3) AIIah IoId ZacharIyyah he wouId have
a son. "ThIs Is whaI AIIah saId." AIIah (subhanahu waIa'aIa) esIabIIshed IhIs ruIIng Ior
us. We know IhaI AIIah has Ihe compIeIe knowIedge and wIsdom, and we IrusI HIs
LegIsIaIIon, and we respecI II and do noI doubI or quesIIon II. We may research Io IInd
Ihe wIsdom behInd II. ThIs Is Ihe dIIIerence beIween Ihose who have IaIIh and Ihose
who do noI. AIways keep IhIs In mInd.

A sIsIer converIed Io IsIam, and her husband Is sIIII noI MusIIm. WhaI Is Ihe ruIIng7
|MusIIm jurIsIs are crIIIcaI IhInkers. When someone raIses a quesIIon IIke IhIs, IhInk
IIrsI II Ihere are dIIIerenI scenarIos.] IIrsI oI aII, we say IhaI IhIs marrIage Is jusI a
conIracI, have Ihey consummaIed Ihe marrIage or noI7 The ruIIng Is IoIaIIy dIIIerenI In
each case. II Ihey have noI consummaIed Ihe marrIage, Ihen Ihe conIracI Is InvaIId and
106

Ihey separaIe ImmedIaIeIy. They are no Ionger marrIed Io each oIher. She gIves Ihe
dower back. II Ihey consummaIed Ihe marrIage, she shouId sIop Ihe reIaIIonshIp wIIh
hIm as husband and wIIe, and she shouId expIaIn Io hIm Ihe ruIIng oI Ihe reIIgIon. She
can waII one monIh (some say Ihree monIhs, some schoIars IIke Ibn AI QayyIm saId
Ihere Is no IIme IImII as Iong as Ihe woman has hope Ihe husband wIII converI Io IsIam),
buI Ihey shouId noI have InIercourse because he Is noI haIaI Ior her. The momenI she
decIdes noI Io waII Ior hIm, even II II Is onIy one day aIIer her conversIon, Ihen
ImmedIaIeIy Ihe conIracI wIII be InvaIId. She Ihen goes Io Ihe judge and has Ihe Iddah.
Ior IhIs case, Ihe Iddah Is usuaIIy one mensIruaI cycIe.

WhaI are Ihree ruIIngs IhaI we Iearn Irom Ihe hadeeIh oI IaIIma bInI Qays7
4) A woman can Iake her 'Iddah In anoIher pIace.
S) II a woman Is In her waIIIng perIod aIIer beIng dIvorced Ihree IImes, or a wIdow,
or she IeII her husband, Ihen a man can propose Io her In an IndIrecI way. The
PropheI (saI AIIahu aIayhI wa saIIam) IoId her noI Io accepI anyone wIIhouI
IeIIIng hIm know IIrsI. II Is permIssIbIe Io gIve an IndIrecI proposaI Io a woman
In her 'Iddah.
6) SchoIars used IhIs as an evIdence Io say IhaI as Iong as a woman has noI
accepIed anyone's proposaI, oIhers can aIso propose.
7) The woman can accepI muIIIpIe choIces.
8) The Issue oI suIIabIIIIy: some schoIars saId IhaI Ihe man has Io be suIIabIe Io
Ihe woman when II comes Io IIneage and socIaI IeveI. The PropheI (saI AIIahu
aIayhI wa saIIam) preIerred Usama bIn Zayd over Mu'awIyah who was Irom a very
nobIe IrIbe. ThereIore, II was abouI reIIgIon and noI socIaI sIaIus.

WhaI condIIIon musI exIsI In a nonMusIIm gIrI Ior a man Io marry her7
ChasIe, |ewIsh or ChrIsIIan, beIIevIng In her reIIgIon, AshShaII'ee aIso puI Ihe
condIIIon IhaI she musI be a woman noI Irom Ihe peopIe you are In Ihe sIaIus oI
war wIIh.

Can a marrIage conIracI be over Ihe phone wIIh aII oI Ihe wIInesses7
II Ihe one perIormIng Ihe conIracI knows Ihe Iwo parIIes, and Ihe IaIher knows Ihe
voIces, Ihen II Is accepIabIe.

Can IsIIkhaarah be prayed Ior more Ihan one maIIer In one saIah7
No, because Ihe PropheI (saI AIIahu aIayhI wa saIIam) saId II Is Ior one maIIer.
NoIe: II you are sure abouI someIhIng, Ihen you shouId noI pray IsIIkhaarah because
Ihe PropheI (saI AIIahu aIayhI wa saIIam) saId Io pray IsIIkhaarah II you are conIused.

Is II correcI Io IhInk: 'Ihere Is aIways someone eIse who Is beIIer'7
ThIs Is Irue. There Is aIways someone who Is beIIer, buI who guaranIeed IhaI you wIII
meeI IhIs person7 Who guaranIeed IhaI IhIs person wIII wanI you7 Who guaranIeed
IhaI II wIII be good II you marry IhaI person7

II a man Is a converI and hIs parenIs do noI agree wIIh Ihe marrIage, buI her parenIs
agree, Ihen Is II ok Ior Ihe man Io geI marrIed wIIhouI Ihe parenI's consenI7
Yes, because Ihe waII Is onIy Irom Ihe woman's sIde.

II someone Is goIng Io geI marrIed, and your IamIIy wanIs Io enIorce someIhIng on
Ihe weddIng nIghI, buI you do noI wanI Io do II because you do noI IhInk IhaI II Is
IsIamIcaIIy correcI, whaI do you do7 WhaI Is Ihe besI soIuIIon7
SomeIImes In IhIs Issue Ihere wIII be compromIse. Try Io mInImIze Ihe
compromIse and puI condIIIons.
10

Be consIsIenI agaInsI compromIsIng and be very IIrm. ThIs can heIp you wIn
whaI you wanI.
Make a IoI oI du'a. Don'I jusI IeII your parenIs whaI you wanI, buI expIaIn Io
Ihem why you wanI II. Have Ihe parenIs expIaIn Io you IheIr vIews. Many
IImes we do noI even waII Io hear IheIr vIews, and someIImes we rejecI
IhIngs beIore InvesIIgaIIng. LeI Ihe parenIs expIaIn so IhaI Ihey IeeI IIke Ihey
have been heard.
Make sure IhaI you gIve a space Ior your parenIs Io do whaI you IIke Io do.
DesIgn Ihe roIe IhaI you wanI Ihem Io pIay In Ihe marrIage. MosI oI Ihe
parenIs have noIhIng agaInsI you, and II Is Ihe happIesI momenI In IheIr
IIves. UndersIand where Ihey are comIng Irom.

WhaI Is Ihe dIIIerence beIween a pIIIar and a condIIIon7
The condIIIon Iakes pIace beIore Ihe acI oI worshIp or conIracI, buI a pIIIar Is parI oI II.
Ior exampIe, wudu Is a condIIIon oI saIah, and sujood Is a pIIIar.

A woman was a converI Irom ChrIsIIanIIy when a broIher marrIed her, and she
became MusIIm and Ihen became ChrIsIIan agaIn. WhaI Is Ihe ruIIng7 She Is a
murIadah, and II Is noI aIIowed Io marry her. The marrIage wouId ImmedIaIeIy need
Io be broken.

Hosna - Fiqh of Love Notes

Caricato da

Informazioni sul documento

Copyright

Formati disponibili

Condividi questo documento

Condividi o incorpora il documento

Opzioni di condivisione

Hai trovato utile questo documento?

Questo contenuto è inappropriato?

Copyright:

Formati disponibili

Hosna - Fiqh of Love Notes

Caricato da

Copyright:

Formati disponibili

www.qhosna.com www.qhosna.com www.qhosna.com www.qhosna.

Potrebbero piacerti anche