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Positionality Narrative: Reflection Eternal

Lauren Daus
EDUC 405B: Teaching in Urban Schools &
Exploring Identities
March 21, 2014







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I am a daughter, sibling, cousin, auntie, friend, student, and educator. But day by day, I
am constantly weaving my identity into other roles I am needed to partake in. We live much of
our lives in our own heads, in a reconfirming dialogue with ourselves (Takacs, 2003, pg. 27).
As I reflect on my positionality, I realize that I would not have gotten to where I am today
without the people who have shown me unconditional love and support. I see myself
interdependent of my family, friends, and mentors. They help me see my blind spots and provide
different perspectives, challenging and giving me the tough love I need in order to become the
best version of myself. I cannot reconfirm dialogue with only myselfthe critical dialogue I need
to engage in to help me understand who I am and my place in this world depends on those who
are willing to uncover their positionalities, as well.
I grew up in a nice neighborhood in Cerritos, California. My neighborhood was very
quiet, and I feel like everyone mostly kept to themselves instead of doing community things.
Cerritos is known as a city that is comprised of a lot of middle or high class Asians/Asian
Americans. For me, my Filipino American family fit under the working/middle class. Whenever
I told people where I lived, they would mention that I had a good neighborhood or say that I was
rich. This confused me because I never considered my family being high class; I just thought my
parents were making enough money for my siblings and I to have what we wanted or needed. As
I reflect on this now, I realize that not much has changed in the neighborhood I grew up.
Sometimes I drive by my old house and shortly reminisce on my childhood. But now I have
learned that those peoples preconceived notions on my social status and rich neighborhood
are what distinguished our identities and how we were raised. I may have even shared similar
struggles with them without even knowing, because of the misunderstood gap that stood between
us. I know that it is difficult to step in a place of discomfort, but I also know that as a social
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justice educator, I will need to remind my students that there is a possibility for them to find
growth in unfamiliar spaces. Although certain realizations take time, there is an extent to where
my students and I have to take those extra steps to face reality.
If I asked my younger self for the definition of community, education, and social justice,
it would be a lot different than my views on them now. I had a distorted view of what community
meant. I thought community was a place where people did not really care about each other and
kept to the confined space they lived in with their families. I saw education as irrelevant, which
led me to not even know what social justice was. When I graduated high school and moved to
San Francisco for college, all of my views and understandings changed. I was exposed to a
community where I was able to learn about my Filipino American identity and how it relates to
the struggles of other people of color. Usually, people find inspiration to teach because of
teachers they find as role models. But because I did not take classes that reflected my history, I
became motivated to teach Social Science to make sure the histories of students are included in
their education. As an educator, I need to remind myself that regardless of age or experience,
students do not enter the social justice classroom as blank slates. They bring information and
opinions about gender roles, racial stereotypes, normal ability, or appropriate sexual
behavior as part of their socialization (Adams et. al.). My positionality as a teacher in urban
schools represents the recognition of asset-based education. My K-12 experience did not
encompass opportunities for me to acknowledge my assets, so others did not know what my
quiet self was capable of doing. Because I know how it feels to have my identity and capabilities
pushed to the margins, I hope that my interactions with my students can help them uncover their
positionalities, so that they are able to express who they are and where they come from.
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Now that I have become more critically conscious of how and why inequities exist, I
have a growing passion for spreading what I know, learning from other peoples positionalities,
and delving deeper into other communities, particularly the community of my students. As for
the influence in my participation at Augustus Hawkins High School and in the community
surrounding it, I have come to realize that my outside experiences may or may not be the same as
the students, or they may interweave with one another. All in all, I feel like I cannot fully
understand as an outsider what the students are going through, but my experiences can help them
think about their positionalities and inequities they face in their community. There have been
times when I have seen myself in some students because of their quietness or needed expression
of what they are keeping bottled up inside; that used to be me when I was younger. I cannot
change who they are, nor do I have the intention of making them become like me. I can only do
so much in guiding their critical thinking of the society they live in, which is full of repetitive rap
songs played on the radio, reality television shows, and billboards that promote drugs and
alcohol. As a student teacher, I am reflecting on how I can assist my students to uncover their
critical consciousness (Young, 2004, pg. 3) and use it to recognize why oppression exists, and
what they can do to engage in transformative resistance. Next quarter, I will be entering the
middle school community, which will help shape my positionality even more. I have never
taught middle school students before, but as I am getting ready to enter a different classroom
culture, I am also reflecting on my experiences when I was a middle school student. There are so
many complexities to try and understand, but I believe the main reminder to remember is that we
are all struggling for social justice, even if our experiences are different.
Since I began student teaching, I have noticed such a growth within myself as an
educator, but I know I still have room to grow, and I am okay with that. I think it is important to
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acknowledge that I am constantly engaging in an act of becoming. I will not always think or
act the same way for the rest of my life. As educators, it is helpful to reflect on our positionalities
and the positionalities of others, because it changes as we go through different experiences that
are interconnected. I have found the importance of always trying to dig deeper and challenge
perspectives to open up even more perspectives that may not have existed before. One thing I
appreciate about my purpose is that I am always reminded of it in different ways and different
places, whether it be from a class reading or dialogue, a conversation with a friend, or an
interaction with a student. But with my purpose also comes even greater opportunities I never
thought I would have at such a young age. Being around such a great support system at UCLA is
a privilege I am still getting used to. I have been so blessed with many opportunities in my life
that I question why and how I end up where I am. Of course at times I doubt myself and have my
lows, which is just a reminder that I am human. I can find difficulty in sustaining my ground and
utilizing my strength to do better next time. The more insidious form of collusion is
unconscious, not knowing that one is collaborating with ones own dehumanization (Hardiman
& Jackson). Throughout the year, I have noticed myself engaging in self-defeating resistance
(Solrzano & Delgado-Bernal). There have been times when I have questioned my ability to
teach my students because of logistical approaches I need to take as I am working on my
teaching credential. I have not passed any of the Social Science CSETs, which has been
disallowing me to put effort into other tasks I need to accomplish during my first year in TEP.
From this, I am still trying to understand the aspect of me reaching goals in ways I want my
students to reach theirs. How can I motivate my students if I cannot even motivate myself? What
does it mean for me to be in the classroom teaching history if I cannot even pass a test that lends
me my credential? These are questions I reflect on when I find myself unable to reach certain
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goals on a timely manner. Only then do I have to remind myself of my purpose and why I have
such a love for teaching and learning from my students.
I know that it is not the English language that hurts me, but what the oppressors do with
it, how they shape it to become territory that limits and defines, how they make it a weapon that
can shame, humiliate, colonize (hooks, 1994). My belief in social justice education
acknowledges the ability that students have to turn language into their own weapon, in which
they can use as their counternarratives. As hooks writes about the wrongful ways that oppressors
use language, I reflect on how I can contribute to a classroom culture where my students can
figure out how to counter those ways. Moll (1998) states that we have collected cultural
knowledge and ways of survival from our home lives. It is important to not dichotomize the
classroom and the real world. The knowledge that students gain from their families is as
important as what they will be learning in school. Their ways of survival may be different from
their peers, which validates that a curriculum that represents the so-called one-size fits all
approach will not be meaningful, because it marginalizes who they are and where they come
from. Similar to Molls ideas, who we are and how we think is a function of the social
interactions in which we participate (Diaz & Flores, 2001, pg. 30). I would like my students to
realize the importance of interconnectedness with their peers, friends, and family members. In
doing so, they are able to acknowledge where they learned certain lessons or picked up similar
habits or interests of the people they know.
In my 10
th
grade United States History class, my teacher assigned an oral history project
that required us to present on well-known historical figures. She gave us a list of people who
ranged from George Washington to Louis Armstrong. I scanned the list hoping to recognize a
historical leader that reflected me, but I began to feel this growing sense of exclusion. It was the
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first time it made me question American schooling and a curriculum that made me feel left out.
The teacher called upon my peers to share who they were going to research, and when it was my
turn, I told my teacher that I wanted to present on a person that was not on the list. I replied,
Carlos Bulosan. With a confused look on my teachers face, she replied, Who is that? Ive
never heard of him. I told her that he was a Filipino immigrant who wrote America is in the
Heart, a story about the struggles of Filipinos who came to the United States in the 1930s, in
search for a better life. With the class completely silent and my teacher still confused, she said,
It doesnt seem like he is a well-known figure, and hes not American. You need to pick
someone who is, preferably from the list I gave you. The rejection made my heart pound
because it was the first time my shy self spoke up to a teacher. America is in the Heart was the
first book that taught me about my own history and sparked my interest in education and Ethnic
Studies. From then on, I was even more eager to learn about my Filipino American history and
become active in sharing the stories and experiences of my people. My belief in social justice
education lies within the power of educators to influence a generation of students to become
authors of their own histories. As an author of mine, I would like to help others write their stories
by providing them with reasons to embrace who they are and where they came from. I want to be
the teacher who contributes to a space where students can freely express themselves, teach their
peers the importance of their own histories, and become authors in creating a future of hope.





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References
Adams, M., Jones, J., & Tatum, B. D. Knowing Our Students.
Daz, E., & Flores, B. (2000). Teacher as Sociocultural, Sociohistorical Mediator. The Best for
Our Children: Critical perspectives on literacy for Latino students. New York: Teachers
College Press.
Hardiman, R. & Jackson, B. W. Conceptual Foundations for Social Justice Courses.
Moll, L. C. (1998). Funds of Knowledge: A new approach to culture in education.
Takacs, D. (2003). How does your positionality bias your epistemology?
Young, I. (2004). Oppression, Privilege, & Resistance. Five Faces of Oppression. Boston:
McGraw Hill.