Thomas Ligotti

Teatro Grottesco
Table of Contents
Cover
Copyright
Praise for Thomas Ligotti
About the Author
Teatro Grottesco
Derangements
Purity
The Town Manager
Sideshow, and Other Stories
The Clown Puppet
The ed Tower
Deformations
My Case for etributive A!tion
Our Temporary Supervisor
"n a #oreign Town, "n a #oreign Land
The Damaged and the Diseased
Teatro $rottes!o
$as Station Carnivals
The %ungalow &ouse
Severini
The Shadow, the Dar'ness
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PA"S. #O T&OMAS L"$OTT"
BThomas Ligotti is an absolute master of supernatural horror and weird fi!tion, and is a true
original) &e pursues his uni;ue vision with admirable honesty and rigorousness and !onveys it in
prose as powerfully evo!ative as any writer in the field) "*d say he might :ust be a genius)* amsey
Campbell
BLigotti is wonderfully originalC he has a dar' vision of a new and spe!ial 'ind, a vision that no one
had before him)* Interzone
B?Ligotti*s@ is a uni;ue voi!e, whi!h spea's with a profound elegan!e D and a pre!ious seriousness D
of matters whi!h few other literary voi!es have ever tou!hed D Ligotti is oldEfashioned in the very
best sense of the term and there is nothing dated about his wor', whi!h is unmista'ably
!ontemporary)* %rian Stableford in Horror, Ghost & Gothic Writers
BLigotti gave me the first genuine frisson D in the literal sense of the term D that " had re!eived in
years) &is wor' made me realiFe why " had be!ome a student of weird fi!tion to begin with D it was
to e(perien!e that indes!ribable sensation of being unnerved)* S) T) Goshi, author of The Modern
Weird Tale, in Horror: Another 100 Best Books
BLigotti is arguably the preEeminent living writer of horror fi!tion)* Matt Cardin Hin The Thomas
i!otti "eaderI
B#on!s o$ a %ead %reamer is full of ine(pli!able and alarming delights ) ) ) Put this volume on the
shelf right between &) P) Love!raft and .dgar Allan Poe) 6here it belongs)* Mi!hael Swanwi!',
The Washin!ton &ost
BGrimscri'e !onfirms ?Ligotti@ as an a!!omplished !on:uror of nightmares in the tradition of &) P)
Love!raft)* The Times
B"n Grimscri'e Ligotti manages to write that se!ret boo', presenting us with stories that are
parado(i!ally beautiful and horrifi!)* #an (rancisco )hronicle
BThe most disturbing terror !omes from within, springs une(pe!tedly from bland or halfEformed
memories of the past) This is the terror that Ligotti !ultivates in the ri!hly evo!ative tales of
*octuar+,* Booklist
BM+ Work Is *ot -et %one displays a Thomas Ligotti at the height of his form D in imaginative
range, in verve of style and pre!ision of language, and in !umulative power and intensity)* S) T)
Goshi, *ecro$ile
A%O8T T&. A8T&O
Thomas Ligotti was born in Detroit in ,034 and grew up in the nearby suburb of $rosse Pointe
6oods) &e graduated from 6ayne State 8niversity in ,012) #rom ,010 to 5--,, Ligotti wor'ed for
a referen!e boo' publisher in the Detroit area, serving as an editor on su!h titles as T.entieth/
)entur+ iterar+ )riticism and )ontem0orar+ Authors) &is first !olle!tion of stories, #on!s o$ a
%ead %reamer, was published in ,027, with an e(panded version issued three years later) Other
!olle!tions in!lude Grim/scri'e H,00,I, *octuar+ H,00<I, and M+ Work Is *ot -et %one H5--5I)
Ligotti is the re!ipient of several awards, in!luding the &orror 6riters Asso!iation %ram Sto'er
award for his omnibus !olle!tion The *i!htmare (actor+ H,007I and short novel M+ Work Is *ot
-et %one) &e has also written a nonfi!tion boo', The )ons0irac+ A!ainst the Human "ace: A #hort
i$e o$ Horror, whi!h !omprises an e(!ursion through the dar'er byways of literature, philosophy
and psy!hology) A short film of Ligotti*s story The (rolic was !ompleted in 5--7 and is s!heduled
to appear as a D+D) "n addition, through an agreement with #o( Studios* subsidiary #o( Atomi!, a
graphi! novel based on his wor's was released in 5--1) #or more information visitJ
httpJAAwww)ligotti)net
CO/T./TS
Derangements
Purity
The Town Manager
Sideshow, and Other Stories
The Clown Puppet
The ed Tower
Deformations
My Case for etributive A!tion
Our Temporary Supervisor
"n a #oreign Town, "n a #oreign Land
The Damaged and the Diseased
Teatro $rottes!o
$as Station Carnivals
The %ungalow &ouse
Severini
The Shadow, the Dar'ness
T.ATO $OTT.SCO Thomas Ligotti
D.A/$.M./TS
P8"T>
6e were living in a rented house, neither the first nor the last of a long su!!ession of su!h pla!es
that the family inhabited throughout my !hildhood years) "t was shortly after we had moved into
this parti!ular house that my father prea!hed to us his philosophy of Brented living)* &e e(plained
that it was not possible to live in any other way and that attempting to do so was the worst form of
delusion) B6e must a!tively embra!e the reality of non/o.nershi0,* he told my mother, my sister
and me, towering over us and gesturing with his heavy arms as we sat together on a rented sofa in
our rented house) B/othing belongs to us) .verything is something that is rented out) Our very heads
are filled with rented ideas passed on from one generation to the ne(t) 6herever your thoughts
finally settle is the same pla!e that the thoughts of !ountless other persons have settled and have left
their impression, :ust as the ba!'sides of other persons have left their impression on that sofa where
you are now sitting) 6e live in a world where every surfa!e, every opinion or passion, everything
altogether is tainted by the bodies and minds of strangers) Cooties D intelle!tual !ooties and physi!al
!ooties from other people D are !rawling all around us and all over us at all times) There is no
es!aping this fa!t)*
/evertheless, it was pre!isely this fa!t that my father seemed most intent on es!aping during the
time we spent in that house) "t was an espe!ially !ootieEridden residen!e in a bad neighborhood that
bordered on an even worse neighborhood) The pla!e was also slightly haunted, whi!h was more or
less the norm for the habitations my father !hose to rent) Several times a year, in fa!t, we pa!'ed up
at one pla!e and settled into another, always 'eeping a !onsiderable distan!e between our lo!ations,
or relo!ations) And every time we entered one of our newly rented houses for the first time, my
father would de!laim that this was a pla!e where he !ould Breally get something a!!omplished)*
Soon afterward, he would begin spending more and more time in the basement of the house,
sometimes living down there for wee's on end) The rest of us were banned from any intrusion on
my father*s lower territories unless we had been e(pli!itly invited to parti!ipate in some pro:e!t of
his) Most of the time " was the only available sub:e!t, sin!e my mother and sister were often away
on one of their Btrips,* the nature of whi!h " was never informed of and seldom heard anything about
upon their return) My father referred to these absen!es on the part of my mother and sister as
Bun'nown sabbati!als* by way of disguising his ignoran!e or !omplete la!' of interest in their
:aunts) /one of this is to protest that " minded being left so mu!h to myself) HLeast of all did " miss
my mother and her .uropean !igarettes fouling the atmosphere around the house)I Li'e the rest of
the family, " was adept at finding ways to o!!upy myself in some wholly passionate dire!tion, never
mind whether or not my passion was a rented one)
One evening in late autumn " was upstairs in my bedroom preparing myself for :ust su!h an
es!apade when the doorbell rang) This was, to say the least, an un!ommon event for our household)
At the time, my mother and sister were away on one of their sabbati!als, and my father had not
emerged from his basement for many days) Thus, it seemed up to me to answer the startling sound
of the doorbell, whi!h " had not heard sin!e we had moved into the house and !ould not remember
hearing in any of the other rented houses in whi!h " spent my !hildhood) H#or some reason " had
always believed that my father dis!onne!ted all the doorbells as soon as we relo!ated to a newly
rented house)I " moved hesitantly, hoping the intruder or intruders would be gone by the time "
arrived at the door) The doorbell rang again) #ortunately, and in!redibly, my father had !ome up
from the basement) " was standing in the shadows at the top of the stairs when " saw his massive
form moving a!ross the living room, stripping himself of a dirty lab !oat and throwing it into a
!orner before he rea!hed the front door) /aturally " thought that my father was e(pe!ting this
visitor, who perhaps had something to do with his wor' in the basement) &owever, this was
obviously not the !ase, at least as far as " !ould tell from my eavesdropping at the top of the stairs)
%y the sound of his voi!e, the visitor was a young man) My father invited him into the house,
spea'ing in a straightforward and amiable fashion that " 'new was entirely for!ed) " wondered how
long he would be able to maintain this un!hara!teristi! tone in !onversation, for he bid the young
man to have a seat in the living room where the two of them !ould tal' Bat leisure,* a lo!ution that
sounded absolutely biFarre as spo'en by my father)
BAs " said at the door, sir,* the young man said, B"*m going around the neighborhood telling people
about a very worthy organiFation)*
BCitiFens for #aith,* my father !ut in)
B>ou*ve heard of our groupK*
B" !an read the button pinned to the lapel of your :a!'et) This is suffi!ient to allow me to
!omprehend your general prin!iples)*
BThen perhaps you might be interested in ma'ing a donation,* said the young man)
B" would indeed)*
BThat*s wonderful, sir)*
B%ut only on the !ondition that you allow me to challen!e these absurd prin!iples of yours D to
really put them to the test) "*ve a!tually been hoping that you, or someone li'e you, would !ome
along) "t*s almost as if a fortuitous element of intervention brought you to this house, if " were to
believe in something so preposterous)*
So ended my father*s shortElived !apitulation to straightforwardness and amiability)
BSirK* said the young man, his brow !reasing a bit with in!omprehension)
B" will e(plain) >ou have these two prin!iples in your head, and possibly they are the only prin!iples
that are holding your head together) The $irst is the prin!iple of nations, !ountries, the whole
hullabaloo of mother lands and father lands) The second is the prin!iple of deities) /either of these
prin!iples has anything real about them) They are merely impurities poisoning your head) "n a
single phrase D CitiFens for #aith D you have in!orporated two of the three ma:or prin!iples D or
impurities D that must be eliminated, !ompletely eradi!ated, before our spe!ies !an begin an
approa!h to a pure !on!eption of e(isten!e) 6ithout pure !on!eption, or something approa!hing
pure !on!eption, everything is a disaster and will !ontinue to be a disaster)*
B" understand if you*re not interested in ma'ing a donation, sir,* said the young man, at whi!h point
my father dug his hand into the right po!'et of his trousers and pulled out a wad of !ash that was
rolled into a tube and se!ured with a thi!' rubber band) &e held it up before the young man*s eyes)
BThis is for you, but only if you will give me a !han!e to ta'e those heinous prin!iples of yours and
!lean them out of your head)*
B" don*t believe my faith to be something that*s :ust in my head)*
8ntil this point, " thought that my father was taunting the young man for pure diversion, perhaps as
a means of distra!ting himself from the labors in whi!h he had been engaged so intensely over the
past few days) Then " heard what to my ears was an ominous shift in my father*s words, signifying
his movement from the oldEs!hool i!ono!last he had been playing to something desperate and
unprin!ipled with respe!t to the young man)
BPlease forgive me) " didn*t mean to suggest that anything li'e that was onl+ in your head) &ow
!ould su!h a thing be true when " 'now ;uite well that something of the 'ind inhabits this very
houseK*
B&e is in every house,* said the young man) B&e is in all pla!es)*
B"ndeed, indeed) %ut something li'e that is very mu!h in this parti!ular house)*
My suspi!ion was now that my father made referen!e to the haunted !ondition D although it barely
deserved the des!ription D of our rented house) " myself had already assisted him in a small pro:e!t
relevant to this !ondition and what its a!tual meaning might be, at least insofar as my father !hose
to e(plain su!h things) &e even allowed me to 'eep a memento of this BphaseEone e(periment,* as
he !alled it) " was all but sure that this was the !ase when my father alluded to his basement)
B%asementK* said the young man)
B>es,* said my father) B" !ould show you)*
B/ot in my head but in your basement,* said the young man as he attempted to !larify what my
father was !laiming)
B>es, yes) Let me show you) And afterward " will ma'e a generous donation to your group) 6hat do
you sayK*
The young man did not immediately say anything, and perhaps this was the reason that my father
;ui!'ly shouted out my name) " ba!'ed up a few steps and waited, then des!ended the stairway as if
" had not been eavesdropping all along)
BThis is my son,* my father said to the young man, who stood up to sha'e my hand) &e was thin and
wore a se!ondEhand suit, :ust as " imagined him while " was eavesdropping at the top of the stairs)
BDaniel, this gentleman and " have some business to !ondu!t) " want you to see that we*re not
disturbed)* " simply stood there as if " had every intention of obediently following these instru!tions)
My father then turned to the young man, indi!ating the way to the basement) B6e won*t be long)*
/o doubt my presen!e D that is, the normalit+ of my presen!e D was a fa!tor in the young man*s
de!ision to go into the basement) My father would have 'nown that) &e would not 'now, nor would
he have !ared, that " ;uietly left the house as soon as he had !losed the basement door behind him
and his guest) " did !onsider lingering for a time at the house, if only to gain some idea of what
phase my father*s e(perimentation had now entered, given that " was a parti!ipant in its early
stages) &owever, that night " was eager to see a friend of mine who lived in the neighborhood)
To be pre!ise, my friend did not live in the 'ad neighborhood where my family had rented a house
but in the .orse neighborhood nearby) "t was only a few streets away, but this was the differen!e
between a neighborhood where some of the houses had bars a!ross their doors and windows and
one in whi!h there was nothing left to prote!t or to save or to !are about in any way) "t was another
world altogether ) ) ) a twisted paradise of danger and derangement ) ) ) of !rumbling houses pa!'ed
e(tremely !lose together ) ) ) of burnedEout houses leaning toward utter e(tin!tion ) ) ) of houses with
bla!' openings where on!e there had been doors and windows ) ) ) and of empty fields over whi!h
shone a moon that was somehow different from the one seen elsewhere on this earth)
Sometimes there would be an isolated house hanging onto the edge of an open field of shadows and
shattered glass) And the house would be so !ontorted by ruin that the possibility of its being
inhabited sent the imagination swirling into a pit of bla!' mysteries) 8pon !loser approa!h, one
might observe thin, tattered bedsheets in pla!e of !urtains) #inally, after prolonged !ontemplation,
the mira!le of a soft and wavering glow would be revealed inside the house)
/ot long after my family moved into a vi!inity where su!h pla!es were not un!ommon, " found one
parti!ular house that was nothing less than the ideal of the type of residen!e, so to spea', " have :ust
des!ribed) My eyes be!ame fi(ed upon it, held as if they were witnessing some mira!ulous vision)
Then one of the bedsheets that !overed the front window moved slightly, and the voi!e of a woman
!alled out to me as " stood teetering on the bro'en remnants of a sidewal')
B&ey, you) &ey, boy) >ou got any money on youK*
BSome,* " replied to that powerful voi!e)
BThen would you do something for meK*
B6hatK* " as'ed)
B6ould you go up to the store and get me some salami sti!'sK The long ones, not those little ones)
"*ll pay you when you !ome ba!')*
6hen " returned from the store, the woman again !alled out to me through the glowing bedsheets)
BStep !areful on those por!h stairs,* she said) BThe door*s open)*
The only light inside the house emanated from a small television on a metal stand) The television
fa!ed a sofa that seemed to be o!!upied from end to end by a bla!' woman of indefinite age) "n her
left hand was a :ar of mayonnaise, and in her right hand was an un!oo'ed hot dog, the last one from
an empty pa!'age lying on the bare floor of the house) She submerged the hot dog into the
mayonnaise, then pulled it out and finished it off without ta'ing her eyes from the television) After
li!'ing away some mayonnaise from her fingers, she s!rewed the lid ba!' on the :ar and set it to one
side on the sofa, whi!h appeared to be the only pie!e of furniture in the room) " held out the salami
sti!'s to her, and she put some money in my hand) "t was the e(a!t amount " had paid, plus one
dollar)
" !ould hardly believe that " was a!tually standing inside one of the houses " had been admiring
sin!e my family moved into the neighborhood) "t was a !old night, and the house was unheated) The
television must have operated on batteries, be!ause it had no ele!tri!al !ord trailing behind it) " felt
as if " had !rossed a great barrier to enter an outpost that had been long abandoned by the world, a
pla!e !ut off from reality itself) " wanted to as' the woman if " might be allowed to !url up in some
!orner of that house and never again leave it) "nstead, " as'ed if " !ould use the bathroom)
She stared at me silently for a moment and then rea!hed down behind the !ushions of the sofa)
6hat she brought forth was a flashlight) She handed it to me and said, B8se this and wat!h yourself)
"t*s the se!ond door down that hall) /ot the first door D the se!ond door) And don*t fall in)*
As " wal'ed down the hall " 'ept the flashlight fo!used on the gouged and filthy wooden floor :ust a
few feet ahead of me) " opened the se!ond door, not the first, then !losed it behind me) The room in
whi!h " found myself was not a toilet but a large !loset) Toward the ba!' of the !loset there was a
hole in the floor) " shone the flashlight into the hole and saw that it led straight into the basement of
the house) Down there were the pie!es of a por!elain sin' and !ommode, whi!h must have fallen
through the floor of the bathroom that was on!e behind the first door " had passed in the hallway)
%e!ause it was a !old night, and the house was unheated, the smell was not terribly strong) " 'nelt at
the edge of the hole and shone the flashlight into it as far its thin beam would rea!h) %ut the only
other ob:e!ts " !ould see were some bro'en bottles stu!' within the strata of human waste) " thought
about what other things might be in that basement ) ) ) and " be!ame lost in those thoughts)
B&ey, boy,* " heard the woman !all out) BAre you all rightK*
6hen " returned to the front of the house, " saw that the woman had other visitors) 6hen they held
up their hands in front of their fa!es, " realiFed that " still had the shining flashlight in my hand) "
swit!hed it off and handed it ba!' to the woman on the sofa)
BThan' you,* " said as " maneuvered my way past the others and toward the front door) %efore
leaving " turned to the woman and as'ed if " might !ome ba!' to the house)
B"f you li'e,* she said) BGust ma'e sure you bring me some of those salami sti!'s)*
That was how " !ame to 'now my friend Candy, whose house " visited many times sin!e our first
meeting on that thrilling night) On some visits, whi!h were not always at night, she would be
o!!upied with her business, and " would 'eep out of her way as a steady su!!ession of people young
and old, bla!' and white, !ame and went) Other times, when Candy was not so busy, " s;ueeFed
ne(t to her on the sofa, and we wat!hed television together) O!!asionally we tal'ed, although our
!onversations were usually fairly brief and superfi!ial, stalling out as soon as we arrived at some
!hasm that divided our respe!tive lives and !ould not be bridged by either of us) 6hen " told her
about my mother*s putrid .uropean !igarettes, for instan!e, Candy had a diffi!ult time with the idea
of B.uropean,* or perhaps with the very word itself) Similarly, " would often be unable to supply a
!onte(t from my own life that would allow me to !omprehend something that Candy would
!asually inter:e!t as we sat wat!hing television together) " had been visiting her house for at least a
month when, out of nowhere, Candy said to me, B>ou 'now, " had a little boy that was :ust about
your age)*
B6hat happened to himK* " as'ed)
BOh, he got 'illed,* she said, as if su!h an answer e(plained itself and warranted no further
elaboration) " never urged Candy to e(pand upon this sub:e!t, but neither !ould " forget her words or
the resigned and distant voi!e in whi!h she had spo'en them)
Later " found out that ;uite a few !hildren had been 'illed in Candy*s neighborhood, some of whom
appeared to have been the vi!tims of a !hildEmurderer who had been a!tive throughout the worst
neighborhoods of the !ity for a number of years before my family moved there) H"t was, in fa!t, my
mother who, with outrageous insin!erity, warned me about Bsome dangerous pervert* stealthily
engaged in !utting 'ids* throats right and left in what she !alled Bthat terrible neighborhood where
your friend lives)*I On the night that " left our rented house after my father had gone into the
basement with the young man who was wearing a se!ondhand suit, " thought about this !hildE
murderer as " wal'ed the streets leading to Candy*s house) These streets gained a more intense hold
upon me after " learned about the !hild 'illings, li'e a nightmare that e(er!ises a hypnoti! power
for!ing your mind to review its images and events over and over no matter how mu!h you want to
forget them) 6hile " was not interested in a!tually falling vi!tim to a !hildEmurderer, the threat of
su!h a thing happening to me only deepened my fas!ination with those !rowded houses and the
narrow spa!es between them, !asting another shadow over the ones in whi!h that neighborhood was
already enveloped)
As " wal'ed toward Candy*s house, " 'ept one of my hands in the po!'et of my !oat where " !arried
something that my father had !onstru!ted to be used in the event that, to paraphrase my
irrepressibly inventive parent, anyone ever tried to infli!t personal harm upon me) My sister was
given an identi!al gadget, whi!h loo'ed something li'e a fountain pen) H#ather told us not to say
anything about these devi!es to anyone, in!luding my mother, who for her part had long ago
e;uipped herself with selfEprote!tion in the form of a smallE!aliber automati! pistol)I On several
o!!asions " had been tempted to show this instrument to Candy, but ultimately " did not brea' the
vow of se!re!y on whi!h my father had insisted) /evertheless, there was something else my father
had given me, whi!h " !arried in a small paper bag swinging at my side, that " was e(!ited to show
Candy that night) /o restri!tions had been pla!ed on dis!losing this to anyone, although it probably
never o!!urred to my father that " would ever desire to do so)
6hat " !arried with me, !ontained in a s;uat little :ar inside the paper bag, was a byEprodu!t, one
might say, of the firstEphase e(periment in whi!h " had assisted my father not long after we moved
into our rented house) " have already mentioned that, li'e so many of the houses where my family
lived during my !hildhood years, our !urrent residen!e was imbued with a !ertain haunted aspe!t,
however mild it may have been in this instan!e) Spe!ifi!ally, this haunting was manifested in a
definite presen!e " sensed in the atti! of the house, where " spent a great deal of time before "
be!ame a regular visitant at Candy*s) As su!h things go, in my e(perien!e, there was nothing
espe!ially noteworthy about this presen!e) "t seemed to be !on!entrated near the wooden beams
whi!h !rossed the length of the atti! and from whi!h, " imagined, some former inhabitant of the
house may on!e have !ommitted sui!ide by hanging) Su!h spe!ulation, however, was of no interest
to my father, who strongly ob:e!ted to the possibility of spoo's or spirits of any 'ind or even the use
of these terms) BThere is nothing in the atti!,* he e(plained to me) B"t*s only the way that your head
is intera!ting with the spa!e of that atti!) There are !ertain fields of for!es that are everywhere) And
these for!es, for reasons un'nown to me as yet, are potentiated in some pla!es more than others) Do
you understandK The atti! is not haunting your head D your head is haunting the atti!) Some heads
are more haunted than others, whether they are haunted by ghosts or by gods or by !reatures from
outer spa!e) These are not real things) /onetheless, they are indicative of real for!es, animating and
even !reative for!es, whi!h your head only !on!eives to be some 'ind of spoo' or who 'nows what)
>ou are going to help me prove this by allowing me to use my apparatus in the basement to siphon
from your head that thing whi!h you believe is haunting the atti!) This siphoning will ta'e pla!e in
a very tiny part of your head, be!ause if " siphoned your whole head ) ) ) well, never mind about
that) %elieve me, you won*t feel a thing)*
After it was over, " no longer sensed the presen!e in the atti!) My father had siphoned it away and
!ontained it in a small :ar, whi!h he gave to me on!e he was through with it as an ob:e!t of resear!h,
his first phase of e(perimentation in a field in whi!h, un'nown to other s!ientists who have sin!e
performed similar wor', my father was the true Coperni!us or $alileo or whomever one might !are
to name) &owever, as may be obvious by now, " did not share my father*s s!ientifi! temperament)
And although " no longer felt the presen!e in the atti!, " was entirely resistant to abandoning the
image of someone hanging himself from the wooden beams !rossing the length of a lonely atti! and
leaving behind him an unseen guideline to another world) Therefore, " was delighted to find that the
sense of this presen!e was restored to me in the portable form of a small :ar, whi!h, when " !upped
it tightly in my hands, !onveyed into my system an even more potent sense of the supernatural than
" had previously e(perien!ed in the atti!) This was what " was bringing to Candy on that night in
late autumn)
6hen " entered Candy*s house, there was no business going on that might distra!t us from what "
had to show her) There were in fa!t two figures slumped against the wall on the opposite side of the
front room of the house, but they seemed inattentive, if not !ompletely oblivious, to what was
happening around them)
B6hat did you bring for CandyK* she said, loo'ing at the paper bag " held in my hand) " sat down on
the sofa beside her, and she leaned !lose to me)
BThis is something ) ) )* " started to say as " removed the :ar from the bag, holding it by its lid) Then "
realiFed that " had no way to !ommuni!ate to her what it was " had brought) "t was not my intention
to distress her in any way, but there was nothing " !ould say to prepare her) B/ow don*t open it,* "
said) BGust hold it)*
B"t loo's li'e :elly,* she said as " pla!ed the :ar in her meaty hands)
#ortunately, the !ontents of the :ar presented no disturbing images, and in the glowing light of the
television they too' on a rather soothing appearan!e) She gently !losed her grip on the little glass
!ontainer as if she were aware of the pre!ious nature of what was inside) She seemed !ompletely
unafraid, even rela(ed) " had no idea what her rea!tion would be) " 'new only that " wanted to share
with her something that she !ould not otherwise have 'nown in this life, :ust as she had shared the
wonders of her house with me)
BOh my $od,* she softly e(!laimed) B" 'new it) " 'new that he wasn*t gone from me) " 'new that "
wasn*t alone)*
Afterward, it o!!urred to me that what " had witnessed was in a!!ord with my father*s assertions)
Gust as my head had been haunting the atti! with the presen!e of someone who had hanged himself,
Candy*s head was now haunting the :ar with a presen!e of her own design, one whi!h was wholly
unli'e my own) "t seemed that she wished to hold on to that :ar forever) Typi!ally, forever was about
to end) A nondes!ript !ar had :ust pulled up and stopped in front of Candy*s house) The driver
;ui!'ly e(ited the vehi!le and slammed its door behind him)
BCandy,* " said, BThere*s some business !oming)*
" had to tug at the :ar to free it from her grasp, but she finally let it go and turned toward the door)
As usual, " wandered off to one of the ba!' rooms of the house, an empty bedroom where " li'ed to
huddle in a !orner and thin' about all the sleeping bodies that had dreamed there throughout
innumerable nights) %ut on this o!!asion " did not huddle in a !orner) "nstead, " 'ept wat!h on what
was happening in the front room of the house) The !ar outside had !ome to a stop too aggressively,
too !onspi!uously, and the man in the long !oat who wal'ed toward the house moved in a way that
was also too aggressive, too !onspi!uous) &e pushed open the door of Candy*s house and left it
open after he stepped inside)
B6here*s the white 'idK* said the man in the long !oat)
B/o white people in here,* said Candy, who held her eyes on the television) B/ot in!luding you)*
The man wal'ed over to the two figures a!ross the room and gave ea!h of them a nudge with his
foot)
B"f you didn*t 'now, "*m the one who lets you do business)*
B" 'now who you are, Mr Poli!e Dete!tive) >ou*re the one who too' my boy) >ou too' other ones
too, " 'now that)*
BShut up, fat lady) "*m here for the white 'id)*
" too' the pen out of my po!'et and pulled off the top, revealing a short, thi!' needle li'e the point
of a pushpin) &olding the pen at my side and out of sight, " wal'ed ba!' down the hallway)
B6hat do you wantK* " said to the man in the long !oat)
B"*m here to ta'e you home, 'id)*
"f there was anything " had ever 'nown in my life as a !old, abstra!t !ertainty, it was thisJ if " went
with this man, " would not be going home)
BCat!h,* " said as " threw the little :ar at him)
&e !aught the :ar with both hands, and for a moment his fa!e flashed a smile) " have never seen a
smile die so ;ui!'ly or so !ompletely) "f " had blin'ed, " would have missed the distressed
transition) The :ar then seemed to :ump out of his hands and onto the floor) e!overing himself, he
too' a step forward and grabbed me) " have no reason to thin' that Candy or the others in the room
saw me :ab the pen into his leg) 6hat they saw was the man in the long !oat releasing me and then
!rumbling into a motionless pile) .vidently the effe!t was immediate) One of the two figures
stepped out of the shadows and gave the fallen man the same 'ind of !ontemptuous nudge that had
been given to him)
B&e*s dead, Candy,* said the one figure)
B>ou sureK*
The other figure rose to his feet and muleE'i!'ed the head of the man on the floor) BSeems so,* he
said)
B"*ll be damned,* said Candy, loo'ing my way) B&e*s all yours) " don*t want no part of him)*
" found the :ar, whi!h fortunately was unbro'en, and went to sit on the sofa ne(t to Candy) "n a
matter of minutes, the two figures had stripped the other man down to his bo(er shorts) Then one of
them pulled off the bo(er shorts, saying, BThey loo' pra!ti!ally new)* &owever, he stopped pulling
soon enough when he saw what was under them) 6e all saw what was there, no doubt about that)
%ut " wondered if the others were as !onfused by it as " was) " had always thought about su!h things
in an ideal sense, a mythi! !on!eption handed down over the !enturies) %ut it was nothing li'e that)
BPut him in the holeL* shouted Candy, who had stood up from the sofa and was pointing toward the
hallway) BPut him in the goddamn holeL*
They dragged the body into the !loset and dropped it into the basement) There was a slapping sound
made by the un!lothed form as it hit the floor down there) 6hen the two figures !ame out of the
!loset, Candy said, B/ow get rid of the rest of this stuff and get rid of the !ar and get rid of
yourselves)*
%efore e(iting the house, one of the figures turned ba!') BThere*s a big hun' of !ash here, Candy)
>ou*re going to need some traveling money) >ou !an*t stay here)*
To my relief, Candy too' part of the money) " got up from the sofa and set the :ar on the !ushion
beside my friend)
B6here will you goK* " as'ed)
BThere are plenty of pla!es li'e this one in the !ity) /o heat, no ele!tri!ity, no plumbing) And no
rent) "*ll be all right)*
B" won*t say anything)*
B" 'now you won*t) $oodEbye, boy)*
" said goodEbye and wandered slowly home, dreaming all the while about what was now in Candy*s
basement)
%y the time " arrived at the house it was after midnight) My mother and sister must have also
returned be!ause " !ould smell the sten!h from my mother*s .uropean !igarettes as soon as " too'
two steps inside) My father was lying on the livingEroom sofa, !learly e(hausted after so many days
of wor'ing in the basement) &e also seemed ;uite agitated, his eyes wide open and staring upward,
his head moving ba!' and forth in disgust or negation or both, and his voi!e repeatedly !hanting,
B&opeless impurities, hopeless impurities)* &earing these words helped to release my thoughts from
what " had seen at Candy*s) They also reminded me that " wanted to as' my father about something
he had said to the young man in the se!ondEhand suit who had visited the house earlier that night)
%ut my father*s !ondition at the moment did not appear to lend itself to su!h tal') "n fa!t, he
betrayed no awareness whatever of my presen!e) Sin!e " did not yet feel up to !onfronting my
mother and sister, who " !ould now hear were moving about upstairs Hprobably still unpa!'ing from
their tripI, " de!ided to ta'e this opportunity to violate my father*s san!tions against entering the
basement without his e(pli!it authoriFation) This, " believed, would provide me with something to
ta'e my mind off the troubling events of that night)
&owever, as " des!ended the stairs into my father*s basement, " felt my mind and senses being
pulled ba!' into the dar' region of Candy*s basement) .ven before " rea!hed the bottom of the
stairs, that underground pla!e imposed upon me its atmosphere of ruin and wre!'age and of an
abysmal !haos that, " was than'ful to dis!over, " still found !aptivating) And when " saw the state of
things down there, " was over!ome with a trembling awe that " had never e(perien!ed before)
.verything around me was in pie!es) "t loo'ed as if my father had ta'en an a( and ha!'ed up the
whole apparatus on whi!h he had on!e pla!ed all his hopes of a!!omplishing some tas' that only he
!ared to envision) 6ires and !ords hung from the !eiling, all of them !hopped through and dangling
li'e vines in a :ungle) A greasy, greenish li;uid was running a!ross the floor and slui!ing into the
basement drain) " waded through an undergrowth of bro'en glass and torn papers) " rea!hed down
and pi!'ed up some of the pages savagely ripped from my father*s voluminous noteboo's)
Meti!ulous diagrams and graphs were obs!ured by words and phrases written with a thi!', bla!'
mar'er) Page after page had the word B"MP8.* s!rawled over them li'e graffiti on the walls of a
publi! toilet) Other re!urring e(!lamations wereJ B/OT&"/$ %8T "MP8"T".S,*B"MP8.
&.ADS,*B/OT&"/$ .+.AL.D,*B/O P8. CO/C.PT"O/,*B"MPOSS"%L. "MP8"T".S,*
and, finally, BT&. #OC.S O# A/ "MP8. 8/"+.S.)*
At the far end of the basement " saw a hybrid !ontraption that loo'ed as if it were a !ross between a
monar!h*s throne and an ele!tri! !hair) %ound to this devi!e by straps !onfining his arms and legs
and head was the young man in a se!ondEhand suit) &is eyes were open, but they had no fo!us in
them) " noti!ed that the greasy, greenish li;uid had its sour!e in a !ontainer the siFe of a waterE
!ooler bottle that was upended ne(t to the big !hair) There was a label on the !ontainer, written on
mas'ing tape, that read S"P&O/A$.) 6hatever spoo's or spirits or other entities had inhabited the
young man*s head D and my father appeared to have drained off a siFeable ;uantity of this stuff D
were now ma'ing their way into the sewer system) They must have lost something, perhaps grown
stale, on!e released from their !ontainer, be!ause " felt no aura of the spe!tral D either malignant or
benign D emanating from this residual substan!e) " was unable to tell if the young man was still
alive in any !onventional sense of the word) &e may have been) "n any !ase, his !ondition was su!h
that my family would on!e again need to find another house in whi!h in live)
B6hat happened down hereK* said my sister from the other side of the basement) She was sitting on
the stairs) BLoo's li'e another one of dad*s pro:e!ts too' a bad turn)*
BThat*s the way it loo's,* " said, wal'ing ba!' toward the stairs)
BDo you thin' that guy was !arrying mu!h money on himK*
B" don*t 'now) Probably) &e was here !olle!ting for some 'ind of organiFation)*
B$ood, be!ause mom and " !ame ba!' bro'e) And it*s not as if we spent all that mu!h)*
B6here did you goK* " said, ta'ing a seat beside my sister)
B>ou 'now " !an*t tal' about that)*
B" had to as')*
After a pause, my sister whispered, BDaniel, do you 'now what a hermaphrodite isK*
" tried my best to !on!eal any rea!tion to my sister*s ;uestion, even though it had !aused a !y!lone
of images and emotions to arise within me) That was what had !onfused me about the poli!e
dete!tive*s body) "n my imagination, " had always pi!tured a neat separation of parts) %ut it was
nothing li'e that, as " have already pointed out) .verything was all mi(ed together) Than' you,
.lisa) Despite her adheren!e to my mother*s stri!t rule of silen!e, my sister always managed to give
away something of what they had been up to)
B6hy do as' thatK* " said, also whispering) BDid you meet someone li'e that when you were with
momK*
BAbsolutely not,* she said)
B>ou have to tell me, .lisa) Did mom ) ) ) did she tal' about me ) ) ) did she tal' about me to this
personK*
B" wouldn*t 'now) " really wouldn*t,* said .lisa as she rose to her feet and wal'ed ba!' upstairs)
6hen she rea!hed the top step, she turned around and said, B&ow*s this thing between you and
mom going to endK .very time " mention your name, she :ust !lams up) "t doesn*t ma'e any sense)*
BThe for!es of an impure universe,* " said rhetori!ally)
B6hatK* said my sister)
B/othing that drives anybody ma'es any sense, if you haven*t noti!ed that by now) "t*s :ust our
heads, li'e dad*s always saying)*
B6hatever that means) Anyway, you better 'eep your mouth shut about what " said) "*m never
telling you anything ever again,* she finished and then went upstairs)
" followed my sister into the living room) My father was now sitting up on the sofa ne(t to my
mother, who was opening bo(es and pulling things out of bags, presumably showing what she had
bought on her latest trip with .lisa) " sat down in a !hair a!ross from them)
B&i, baby,* said my mother)
B&i, Mom,* " said, then turned to my father) B&ey, Dad, !an " as' you somethingK* &e still seemed a
bit delirious) BDadK*
B>our father*s very tired, honey)*
B" 'now) "*m sorry) " :ust want to as' him one thing) Dad, when you were tal'ing to that guy, you
said something about three ) ) ) you !alled them prin!iples)*
BCountries, deities,* said my father from a deep well of depression) BObsta!les to pure !on!eption)*
B>eah, but what was the third prin!ipleK >ou never said anything about that)*
%ut my father had faded out and was now gaFing dis!onsolately at the floor) My mother, however,
was smiling) /o doubt she had heard all of my father*s tal' many times over)
BThe third prin!ipleK* she said, blowing a !loud of !igarette smo'e in my dire!tion) B6hy, it*s
families, sweetheart)*
T&. TO6/ MA/A$.
One gray morning not long before the onset of winter, some troubling news swiftly travelled among
usJ the town manager was not in his offi!e and seemed nowhere to be found) 6e allowed this
situation, or apparent situation, to remain tentative for as long as we !ould) This was simply how we
had handled su!h developments in the past)
"t was Carnes, the man who operated the trolley whi!h ran up and down Main Street, who initially
re!ogniFed the possibility that the town manager was no longer with us) &e was the first one who
noti!ed, as he was wal'ing from his house at one end of town to the trolley station at the other end,
that the dim lamp whi!h had always remained swit!hed on inside the town manager*s offi!e was
now off)
Of !ourse, it was not beyond all !redibility that the lightbulb in the lamp that stood in the !orner of
the town manager*s des' had simply burned out or that there had been a short !ir!uit in the
ele!tri!al system of the small offi!e on Main Street) There might even have been a more e(tensive
power failure that also affe!ted the rooms above the offi!e, where the town manager resided sin!e
he had first arrived among us to assume his duties) Certainly we all 'new the town manager as
someone who was in no way vigilant regarding the state of either his publi! offi!e or his private
living ;uarters)
Conse;uently, those of us in the !rowd that had gathered outside the town manager*s offi!e, and his
home, !onsidered both the theory of an e(pired lightbulb and that of an ele!tri!al short !ir!uit at
some length) >et all the while, our agitation only in!reased) Carnes was the one whose an(iety over
this matter was the most severe, for the present state of affairs had affli!ted him longer than anyone
else, if only by a few minutes) As " have already indi!ated, this was not the first time that we had
been fa!ed with su!h a development) So when Carnes finally !alled for a!tion, the rest of us soon
abandoned our refuge in the theoreti!al) B"t*s time to do something,* said the trolley driver) B6e have
to 'now)*
itter, who ran the lo!al hardware store, :immied open the door to the town manager*s offi!e, and
several of us were soon sear!hing around inside) The pla!e was fairly neat, if only by virtue of
being pra!ti!ally unfurnished) There was simply a !hair, a des', and the lamp on top of the des')
The rest of it was :ust empty floor spa!e and bare walls) .ven the drawers of the des', as some of
the more !urious members of our sear!h party dis!overed, were all empty) itter was !he!'ing the
wall so!'et into whi!h the lamp*s !ord was plugged, and someone else was inspe!ting the fuse bo(
at the ba!' of the offi!e) %ut these were merely stall ta!ti!s) /o one wanted to rea!h under the
lampshade and !li!' the swit!h to find out whether the bulb had merely burned out or, more
ominously, the pla!e had been given over to dar'ness by design) The latter a!tion, as all of us were
aware, signaled that the tenure of any given town manager was no longer in effe!t)
At one time, our ne(us of publi! servi!es and fun!tions was a traditional town hall rising up at the
south end of Main Street) ather than a small lamp !linging to the edge of a timeEworn des', that
impressive stru!ture was outfitted with a great !handelier) This daFFling fi(ture served as a bea!on
assuring us that the town*s !hief offi!ial was still with us) 6hen the town hall fell into de!ay and
finally had to be abandoned, other buildings gave out their illumination D from the upper floors of
the old opera house Halso va!ated in the !ourse of timeI to the present storefront offi!e that had
more re!ently served as the !enter of the town*s !ivi! administration) %ut there always !ame a day
when, without noti!e to anyone in the town, the light went out)
B&e*s not upstairs,* Carnes yelled down to us from the town manager*s private rooms) At that
pre!ise moment, " had ta'en it upon myself to try the light swit!h) The bulb lit up, and everyone in
the room went mute) After a time, somebody D to this day " !annot re!all who it was D stated in a
resigned voi!e, B&e has left us)*
Those were the words that passed through the !rowd outside the town manager*s offi!e ) ) ) until
everyone 'new the truth) /o one even spe!ulated that this development might have been !aused by
mis!hief or a mista'e) The only !on!lusion was that the old town manager was no longer in !ontrol
and that a new appointment would be made, if in fa!t this had not already been done)
/onetheless, we still had to go through the motions) Throughout the rest of that gray morning and
into the afternoon, a sear!h was !ondu!ted) Over the !ourse of my life, these sear!hes were
performed with in!reasingly greater speed and effi!ien!y whenever one town manager turned up
missing as the prelude to the installation of another) The buildings and houses !omprising our town
were now far fewer than in my !hildhood and youth) 6hole se!tions that had on!e been distri!ts of
prolifi! a!tivity had been transformed by a remar'able !orrosion into empty lots where only a few
bri!'s and some bro'en glass indi!ated that anything besides weeds and desi!!ated earth had ever
e(isted there) During my years of youthful ambition, " had determined that one day " would have a
house in a grand neighborhood 'nown as The &ill) This area was still 'nown as su!h, a designation
bitterly retained even though the real estate in ;uestion D now a rough and empty stret!h of ground
D no longer rose to a higher elevation than the land surrounding it)
After satisfying ourselves that the town manager was nowhere to be found within the town, we
moved out into the !ountryside) Gust as we were going through the motions when we sear!hed
inside the town limits, we !ontinued going through the motions as we tramped through the
lands!ape beyond them) As previously stated, the time of year was !lose to the onset of winter, and
there were only a few bare trees to obstru!t our view in any dire!tion as we wandered over the
hardening earth) 6e 'ept our eyes open, but we !ould not pretend to be meti!ulous sear!hers)
"n the past, no town manager had ever been found, either alive or dead, on!e he had gone missing
and the light in his offi!e had been turned off) Our only !on!ern was to a!t in su!h a way that would
allow us to report to the new town manager, when he appeared, that we had made an effort to
dis!over the whereabouts of his prede!essor) >et this ritual seemed to matter less and less to ea!h
su!!essive town manager, the most re!ent of whom barely a!'nowledged our attempts to lo!ate the
dead or living body of the previous administrator) B6hatK* he said after he finally emerged from
doFing behind the des' in his offi!e)
B6e did the best we !ould,* repeated one of us who had led the sear!h, whi!h on that o!!asion had
ta'en pla!e in early spring) B"t stormed the entire time,* said another)
After hearing our report, the town manager merely replied, BOh, " see) >es, well done)* Then he
dismissed us and returned to his nap)
B6hy do we even botherK* said Leeman the barber when we were outside the town manager*s
offi!e) B6e never find anything)*
" referred him and the others to the se!tion of the town !harter, a brief do!ument to be sure, that
re;uired Ba fair sear!h of the town and its environs* whenever a town manager went missing) This
was part of an arrangement that had been made by the founders and that had been upheld
throughout su!!eeding generations) 8nfortunately, nothing in the re!ords that had !ome to be stored
in the new opera house, and were subse;uently lost to the same fire that destroyed this shoddily
!onstru!ted building some years before, had ever overtly stated with whom this arrangement had
been made) HThe town !harter itself was now only a few poorly phrased notes assembled from
re!olle!tions and lore, although the spe!ifi!s of this rudimentary do!ument were seldom disputed)I
At the time, no doubt, the founders had ta'en what seemed the best !ourse for the survival and
prosperity of the town, and they forged an arrangement that !ommitted their des!endants to this
same !ourse) There was nothing e(traordinary about su!h a!tions and agreements)
B%ut that was years ago,* said Leeman on that rainy spring afternoon) B" for one thin' that it*s time
to find out :ust who we*re dealing with)*
Others agreed with him) " myself did not disagree) /onetheless, we never did manage to broa!h the
sub:e!t with the old town manager) %ut as we wal'ed a!ross the !ountryside on that day so !lose to
the onset of winter, we tal'ed among ourselves and vowed that we would pose !ertain ;uestions to
the new town manager, who usually arrived not long after the disappearan!e or abdi!ation of the
previous administrator, sometimes on the very same day)
The first matter we wished to ta'e up was the reason we were re;uired to !ondu!t a futile sear!h for
missing town managers) Some of us believed that these sear!hes were merely a way of distra!ting
us, so that the new town manager !ould ta'e offi!e before anyone had a !han!e to observe by what
means he arrived or from what dire!tion he !ame) Others were of the opinion that these e(peditions
did in fa!t serve some purpose, although what that may have been was beyond our understanding)
.ither way, we were all agreed that it was time for the town D that is, what there was left of it D to
enter a new and more enlightened era in its history) &owever, by the time we rea!hed the ruined
farmhouse, all our resolutions dissolved into the grayness in whi!h that day had been enveloped)
Traditionally, the ruined farmhouse, along with the wooden shed that stood nearby, mar'ed the
point at whi!h we ended our sear!h and returned to town) "t was now !lose to sundown, whi!h
would give us :ust enough time to be ba!' in our homes before dar' on!e we had made a
perfun!tory inspe!tion of the farmhouse and its shed) %ut we never made it that far) This time we
'ept our distan!e from that farmhouse, whi!h was no more than a :agged and tilting outline against
the gray s'y, as well as from the shed, a narrow stru!ture of thin wooden plan's that someone had
hammered together long ago) There was something written a!ross those weathered boards,
mar'ings that none of us had ever seen before) They were s!ored into the wood, as if with a sharp
blade) Some of the letters were either missing or unreadable in the pla!es where they were gouged
into plan's that had separated from one another) Carnes the trolley man was standing at my side)
BDoes that say what " thin' it saysK* he said to me, almost in a whisper)
B" thin' so)*
BAnd the light insideK*
BLi'e smoldering embers,* " said !on!erning the reddish glow that was shining through the wooden
slats of the shed)
&aving re!ogniFed the arrival of the new town manager D from whatever dire!tion and by whatever
means he may have !ome D we all turned away and wal'ed silently toward town, pa!ing slowly
through the gray !ountryside that day by day was being seiFed by the !oming winter)
Despite what we had !ome a!ross during our sear!h, we soon re!on!iled ourselves to it, or at least
we had rea!hed a point where we no longer openly e(pressed our an(iety) Did it really matter if,
rather than o!!upying a building on Main Street with a sign that read TO6/ MA/A$. over the
door, the one who now held this position !hose to o!!upy a shed whose rotting wooden plan's had
roughly the same words ins!ribed upon them with a sharp bladeK Things had always been moving
in that dire!tion) At one time the town manager !ondu!ted business from a suite of offi!es in the
town hall and lived in a fine house in The &ill distri!t of town) /ow this offi!ial would be wor'ing
out of a weatherEbeaten shed ne(t to a ruined farmhouse) /othing remained the same for very long)
Change was the very essen!e of our lives)
My own situation was typi!al) As previously mentioned, " had ambitions of owning a residen!e in
The &ill distri!t) #or a time " operated a delivery business that almost !ertainly would have led to
my attaining this goal) &owever, by the time the old town manager arrived, " was sweeping the
floors at Leeman*s barbershop and ta'ing whatever odd :obs !ame along) "n any !ase, my drive to
build up a su!!essful delivery business was all but e(tinguished on!e The &ill distri!t had eroded
away to nothing)
Perhaps the general de!line in the !onditions of the town, as well as the !ir!umstan!es of its
residents, !ould be attributed to poor offi!iating on the part of our town managers, who in many
ways seemed to be less and less able in their duties as one su!!eeded another over the years)
6hatever apprehensions we had about the new town manager, it !ould not be said that the old town
manager had been a model administrator) #or some time before his term !ame to an end, he had
spent the whole of ea!h wor'ing day asleep behind his des')
On the other hand, every town manager !ould be !redited with introdu!ing some element of !hange,
some offi!ial pro:e!t of one 'ind or another, that was diffi!ult to !ondemn as wholly detrimental)
.ven if the new opera house had never been anything but a shoddily !onstru!ted firetrap, it
nonetheless represented an effort at !ivi! rehabilitation, or at least gave this impression) #or his part,
the old manager had been responsible for the trolley whi!h ran up and down Main Street) "n the
early days of his administration, he had brought in wor'ers from outside the town to !onstru!t this
monument to his spirit of innovation) /ot that there had ever been a great out!ry for su!h a
!onveyan!e in our town, whi!h !ould easily be traversed from one end to the other either on foot or
by bi!y!le without !ausing the least e(ertion to those of us who were in reasonably good health)
/evertheless, on!e the trolley had been built, most of us rode the thing at one time or another, if
only for the novelty of it) Some people, for whatever reason, made regular use of this new means of
transportation and even seemed to depend on it to !arry them the distan!e of only a few blo!'s) "f
nothing else, the trolley provided Carnes with regular employment, whi!h he had not formerly
en:oyed)
"n brief, we had always managed to adapt to the ways of ea!h town manager who had been sent to
us) The diffi!ult part was waiting for new administrators to reveal the nature of their plans for the
town and then ad:usting ourselves to whatever form they might ta'e) This was the system in whi!h
we had fun!tioned for generations) This was the order of things into whi!h we had been born and to
whi!h we had !ommitted ourselves by !omplian!e) The ris' of opposing this order, of plunging into
the un'nown, was simply too mu!h for us to !ontemplate for very long) %ut we did not foresee,
despite having witnessed the spe!ta!le of the shed beside the ruined farmhouse, that the town was
about to enter a radi!ally new epo!h in its history)
The first dire!tive from the new town manager was !ommuni!ated to us by a torn pie!e of paper
that !ame s'ipping down the sidewal' of Main Street one day and was pi!'ed up by an old woman,
who showed it to the rest of us) The paper was made from a pulpy sto!' and was brownish in !olor)
The writing on the paper loo'ed as if it had been made with !harred wood and resembled the same
hand that had written those words a!ross the old boards of the town manager*s shed) The message
was thisJ D8STO> TOL>)
6hile the literal sense of these words was apparent enough, we were relu!tant to a!t upon a demand
that was so obs!ure in its point and purpose) "t was not unpre!edented for a new town manager to
obliterate some stru!ture or symbol that mar'ed the administration of the one who had !ome before
him, so that the way might be !leared for him to ere!t a defining stru!ture or symbol of his own, or
simply to effa!e any prominent sign of the previous order and thereby display the presen!e of a new
one) %ut usually some reason was offered, some e(!use was made, for ta'ing this a!tion) This
obviously was not the !ase with the town manager*s instru!tion to destroy the trolley) So we
de!ided to do nothing until we re!eived some enhan!ement regarding this matter) itter suggested
that we might !onsider !omposing a note of our own to re;uest further instru!tions) This note !ould
be left outside the door of the town manager*s shed) /ot surprisingly, there were no volunteers for
this mission) And until we re!eived a more detailed noti!e, the trolley would remain inta!t)
The following morning the trolley !ame tooting down Main Street for its first run of the day)
&owever, it made no stops for those waiting along the sidewal') BLoo' at this,* Leeman said to me
as he stared out the front window of his barbershop) Then he went outside) " set my broom against a
wall and :oined him) Others were already standing on the street, wat!hing the trolley until it finally
!ame to rest at the other end of town) BThere was no one at the swit!h,* said Leeman, an observation
that a number of persons e!hoed) 6hen it seemed that the trolley was not going to ma'e a return
trip, several of us wal'ed down the street to investigate) 6hen we entered the vehi!le, we found the
na'ed body of Carnes the trolley driver lying on the floor) &e had been severely mutilated and was
dead) %urned into his !hest were the wordsJ D8STO> TOL>)
6e spent the ne(t few days doing e(a!tly that) 6e also pulled up the tra!'s that ran the length of
the town and tore down the ele!tri!al system that had powered the trolley) Gust as we were
!ompleting these labors, someone spotted another pie!e of that torn, brownish paper) "t was being
pushed about by the wind in the s'y above us, :er'ing about li'e a 'ite) .ventually it des!ended into
our midst) Standing in a !ir!le around the pie!e of paper, we read the s!rawled words of the
message) B$8D,* it said) B/MT >8 G%S 68LL C&/$)*
/ot only did our :obs !hange, but so did the entire fa!e of the town) On!e again, wor'men !ame
from outside with orders to perform various 'inds of !onstru!tion, demolition, and de!oration that
began along Main Street and ultimately e(tended into the outlying neighborhoods) 6e had been
instru!ted by the usual means not to interfere with them) Throughout the deep gray winter, they
wor'ed on the interiors of the town*s buildings) 6ith the !oming of spring, they finished off the
e(teriors and were gone) 6hat they left behind them was a pla!e that did not resemble a town as
mu!h as it did a !arnival funhouse) And those of us who lived there fun!tioned as sideshow frea's
on!e we had been notified, by the usual method, of e(a!tly how our :obs had !hanged)
#or e(ample, itter*s &ardware had been emptied of its traditional mer!handise and restru!tured as
an elaborate maFe of lavatories) 8pon entering the front door you immediately found yourself
standing between a toilet and a sin') %uilt into one of the walls of this small room was another door
that opened upon another lavatory that was somewhat larger in dimensions) This room had two
doors that led to further lavatories, some of whi!h !ould be rea!hed only by as!ending a spiral
stair!ase or wal'ing down a long, narrow !orridor) .a!h lavatory differed somewhat in siFe and
dN!or) /one of the lavatories was fun!tional) The e(terior of itter*s &ardware was given a new
faOade !onstru!ted of large stone blo!'s and a pair of fa'e towers standing on either side of the
building and rising some distan!e above it) A sign above the front door designated the former
hardware store COM#OT CASTL.) itter*s new :ob was to sit in a !hair on the sidewal' outside
his former pla!e of business wearing a simple uniform with the word ATT./DA/T displayed in
sewn lettering below the left shoulder)
Leeman the barber was even less fortunate in the new !areer that had been assigned to him) &is
shop, renamed B%aby Town,* had been refurbished into a giganti! playpen) Amid stuffed animals
and an array of toys, Leeman was re;uired to languish in infants* !lothing siFed for an adult)
All of the businesses along Main Street had been transformed in some manner, although their tone
was not always as whimsi!al as itter*s Comfort Castle or Leeman*s %aby Town) A number of the
buildings appeared simply as abandoned storefronts D until one e(plored the interior and dis!overed
that the ba!' room was a!tually a miniature movie theater where foreign !artoons were pro:e!ted
upon a bare wall or that hidden in the basement was an art gallery filled entirely with paintings and
s'et!hes of ;uestionable taste) Sometimes these abandoned storefronts were pre!isely what they
appeared to be, e(!ept you would find yourself lo!'ed inside on!e the door had !losed, for!ing you
to e(it out the ba!')
%ehind the stores of Main Street was a world of alleys where it was perpetually night, an effe!t
!reated by tunnelli'e ar!ades en!losing this vast area) Dim lamps were strategi!ally pla!ed so that
no stret!h of alley was entirely in dar'ness as you wandered between high wooden fen!es or bri!'
walls) Many of the alleys ended up in someone*s 'it!hen or living room, allowing an es!ape ba!'
into the town) Some of them 'ept growing more and more narrow until no further progress was
possible and every step leading to this point needed to be retra!ed) Other alleys gradually altered as
one wal'ed along their length, eventually presenting a !omplete !hange of s!ene from that of a
small town to one of a big !ity where s!reams and sirens !ould be heard in the distan!e, although
these sounds were only re!ordings piped in through hidden spea'ers) "t was in :ust su!h a vi!inity,
where painted theatri!al ba!'drops of tall tenement buildings with FigEFagging fire es!apes rose up
on every side, that " wor'ed at my own new :ob)
At the terminus of an obs!ure alley where steam was pumped through the holes of a false sewer
grating, " had been stationed in a 'ios' where " sold soup in paper !ups) To be more a!!urate, it was
not a!tually soup that " was given to sell but something more li'e bouillon) %ehind the !ounter that
fronted my 'ios' there was a thin mattress on the floor where " !ould sleep at night, or whenever "
felt li'e sleeping, sin!e it seemed unli'ely that any !ustomers would venture through that labyrinth
of alleys so that " might serve them) " subsisted on my own bouillon and the water " used to !on!o!t
this desolate repast) "t seemed to me that the new town manager would finally su!!eed in the tas'
whi!h his prede!essors had but laFily pursued over the yearsJ that of thoroughly bleeding the town
of the few resour!es that had been left to it) " !ould not have been more wrong in this assessment)
6ithin a matter of wee's, " had a steady stream of !ustomers lined up outside my bouillon
!on!ession who were willing to pay an outrageous pri!e for my watery, yellowish li;uid) These
were not my fellow !itiFens but people from outside) " noti!ed that nearly all of them !arried folded
bro!hures whi!h either e(truded from their po!'ets or were grasped in their hands) One of these
was left behind on the !ounter that fronted my 'ios', and " read it as soon as business slowed down)
The !over of the bro!hure bore the words &A+. A #8/ T"M. "/ #8//> TO6/) "nside were
several !aptioned photographs of the various Battra!tions* that our town had to offer to the !urious
tourist) " was in awe of the town manager*s s!heme) /ot only had this fa!eless person ta'en our last
penny to finan!e the most e(tensive !onstru!tion pro:e!t the town had ever seen, from whi!h there
was no doubt a !onsiderable amount of 'i!'ba!' involved, but this ingenious boondoggle had
additionally brought an unpre!edented flood of revenue into our town)
>et the only one who truly prospered was the town manager) Daily, sometimes hourly, !olle!tions
were made at ea!h of the town*s attra!tions and !on!essions) These were !arried out by solemnE
fa!ed strangers who were visibly armed with an array of weapons) "n addition, " noti!ed that spies
had been integrated among the tourists, :ust to insure that none of us withheld more than a meager
allotment of the profits that derived from the town*s new enterprise) /onetheless, whereas we had
on!e had reason to e(pe!t nothing less than total impoverishment under the governan!e of the town
manager, it now appeared that we would at least survive)
One day, however, the !rowds of tourists began to thin out) "n short order, the town*s new business
dwindled to nothing) The solemnEfa!ed men no longer bothered to ma'e their !olle!tions, and we
began to fear the worst) &esitantly, we started to emerge from our pla!es and gathered together on
Main Street under a sagging banner that read 6.LCOM. TO #8//> TO6/)
B" thin' that*s it,* said itter, who was still wearing his bathroom attendant*s uniform)
BOnly one way to be sure,* said Leeman, now ba!' in adult !lothes)
On!e again we tramped out to the !ountryside under a gray s'y some wee's before the onset of
winter) "t was approa!hing dus', and long before we rea!hed the town manager*s shed we !ould see
that no reddish light glowed inside) /evertheless, we sear!hed the shed) Then we sear!hed the
farmhouse) There was no town manager) There was no money) There was nothing)
6hen the rest of them turned away and began to head ba!' to town, " stayed behind) Another town
manager would arrive before long, and " did not wish to see what form the new administration
would ta'e) This was the way it had always been D one town manager su!!eeding another, ea!h of
them e(hibiting signs of greater degenera!y, as if they were festering away into who 'nows what)
And there was no telling where it would all end) &ow many others would !ome and go, ta'ing with
them more and more of the pla!e where " had been born and was beginning to grow oldK " thought
about how different that pla!e had been when " was a !hild) " thought about my youthful dream of
having a home in The &ill distri!t) " thought about my old delivery business)
Then " wal'ed in the opposite dire!tion from the town) " wal'ed until " !ame to a road) And "
wal'ed down that road until " !ame to another town) " passed through many towns, as well as large
!ities, doing !leanEup wor' and odd :obs to 'eep myself going) All of them were managed
a!!ording to the same prin!iples as my old home town, although " !ame upon none that had rea!hed
su!h an advan!ed stage of degenera!y) " had fled that pla!e in hopes of finding another that had
been founded upon different prin!iples and operated under a different order) %ut there was no su!h
pla!e, or none that " !ould find) "t seemed the only !ourse of a!tion left to me was to ma'e an end of
it)
/ot long after realiFing the aforementioned fa!ts of my e(isten!e, " was sitting at the !ounter of a
!rummy little !offee shop) "t was late at night, and " was eating soup) " was also thin'ing about how
" might ma'e an end of it) The !offee shop may have been in a small town or a large !ity) /ow that "
thin' of it, the pla!e stood beneath a highway overpass, so it must have been the latter) The only
other !ustomer in the pla!e was a wellEdressed man sitting at the other end of the !ounter) &e was
drin'ing a !up of !offee and, " noted, dire!ting a sidelong glan!e at me every so often) " turned my
head toward him and gave him a protra!ted stare) &e smiled and as'ed if he !ould :oin me at my
end of the !ounter)
B>ou !an do whatever you li'e) "*m leaving)*
B/ot :ust yet,* he said as he sat down at the !ounter stool ne(t to mine) B6hat business are you inK*
B/one in parti!ular) 6hyK*
B" don*t 'now) >ou :ust seem li'e someone who 'nows his way around) >ou*ve been some pla!es,
am " rightK*
B" suppose so,* " said)
B" thought as mu!h) Loo', "*m not :ust interested in !hitE!hat here) " wor' on !ommission finding
people li'e you) And " thin' you*ve got what it ta'es)*
B#or whatK* " as'ed)
BTown management,* he replied)
" finished off the last few spoonfuls of my soup) " wiped my mouth with a paper nap'in) BTell me
more,* " said)
"t was either that or ma'e an end of it)
S"D.S&O6, A/D OT&. STO".S
#O.6OD
At the time " met the man who authored the stories that follow, " had rea!hed a !risis point in my
own wor' as a writer of fi!tion) This gentleman, who was !onsiderably older than ", was several
steps ahead of me along the same path) B" have always desired to es!ape,* he said, Bfrom the !ri0 o$
sho. 'usiness)* &e said these words to me a!ross the table in a !orner booth of the !offee shop
where all our meetings too' pla!e in the late hours of the night)
6e had been first introdu!ed by a waitress wor'ing the night shift who noti!ed we were both
insomnia!s who !ame into the !offee shop and sat for many hours smo'ing !igarettes Hthe same
brandI, drin'ing the terrible de!affeinated !offee they served in that pla!e, and every so often :otting
something in the respe!tive noteboo's whi!h we both 'ept at hand) BAll of the myths of man'ind
are nothing but show business,* the other man said to me during our initial meeting) B.verything
that we supposedly live by and supposedly die by D whether it*s religious s!riptures or ma'eshift
slogans D all of it is show business) The rise and fall of empires D show business) S!ien!e,
philosophy, all of the dis!iplines under the sun, and even the sun itself, as well as all those other
!lumps of matter wobbling about in the bla!'ness up there D* he said to me, pointing out the
window beside the !offeeEshop booth in whi!h we sat, Bshow business, show business, show
business)* BAnd what about dreamsK* " as'ed, thin'ing " might have hit upon an e(!eption to his
dogmati! view, or at least one that he would a!!ept as su!h) B>ou mean the dreams of the sort we
are having at this moment or the ones we have when we*re fortunate enough to sleepK* " told him
his point was well ta'en and withdrew my !hallenge, having only halfEheartedly advan!ed it in the
first pla!e) The !onversation nevertheless pro!eeded along the same !ourse D he submitting one
e(ample after another of sho. 'usiness 0henomenaC " attempting to propose plausible e(!eptions to
the idiosyn!rati! do!trine with whi!h he seemed hopelessly obsessed D until we went our separate
ways :ust before dawn)
That first meeting set the tone and fi(ed the sub:e!t matter of my subse;uent en!ounters in the
!offee shop with the gentleman " would !ome to regard as my lost literary father) " should say that "
deliberately en!ouraged the gentleman*s mania and did all " !ould to 'eep our !onversations
fo!used on it, sin!e " felt that his showEbusiness obsession related in the most intimate way with my
own ;uandary, or !risis, as a writer of fi!tion) 6hat e(a!tly did he mean by Bshow business*K 6hy
did he find the Bessentially showEbusiness nature* of all phenomena to be problemati!K &ow did his
wor' as an author !oin!ide with, or perhaps oppose, what he !alled the BshowEbusiness world*K
B" ma'e no !laims for my writing, nor have any hopes for it as a means for es!aping the grip of
show business,* he said) B6riting is simply another a!tion " perform on cue) " order this terrible
!offee be!ause "*m in a se!ondErate !offee shop) " smo'e another !igarette be!ause my body tells
me it*s time to do so) Li'ewise, " write be!ause "*m 0rom0ted to write, nothing more)*
Seeing an entran!e to a matter more !losely related to my own immediate interest, or ;uandary or
!risis, " as'ed him about his writing and spe!ifi!ally about what fo!us it might be said to have, what
B!enter of interest,* as " put it)
BMy fo!us, or !enter of interest,* he said, Bhas always been the wret!hed show business of my own
life D an autobiographi!al wret!hedness that is not even firstErate show business but more li'e a
series of sideshows, senseless episodes without !ontinuity or !oheren!e e(!ept that whi!h, by virtue
of my being the ringmaster of this miserable !ir!us of sideshows, " assi!n to it in the most bogus
and showEbusinessli'e fashion, whi!h of !ourse fails to maintain any genuine effe!t of !ontinuity or
!oheren!e, inevitably so) %ut this, "*ve found, is the very essen!e of show business, all of whi!h in
fa!t is no more than sidesho. business) The une(pe!ted mutations, the sheer baselessness of beings,
the volatility of things ) ) ) %y ne!essity we live in a world, a sideshow world, where everything is
ultimately pe!uliar and ultimately ridi!ulous)*
B%y what standardK* " inter:e!ted before his words D whi!h had arrived at the very heart of the !risis,
;uandary, and suffo!ating !ulEdeEsa! of my e(isten!e as a writer of fi!tion D veered away) B" said by
what standard,* " repeated, Bdo you !onsider everything pe!uliar and ridi!ulousK*
After staring at me in a way that suggested he was not only !onsidering my ;uestion, but was also
evaluating me and my entire world, he repliedJ B%y the standard of that unnameable, un'nowable,
and no doubt none(istent order that is not show business)*
6ithout spea'ing another word he slid out of the !orner booth, paid his !he!' at the !ounter !ash
register, and wal'ed out of the !offee shop)
That was the last o!!asion on whi!h " spo'e with this gentleman and fellow writer) The ne(t time "
visited the !offee shop and sat in the !orner booth, the waitress who wor'ed the night shift
presented me with a small sheaf of pages) B&e said to give these to you and that he wouldn*tbe ba!'
for them)*
BThat*s all he saidK* " as'ed)
BThat*s all,* she answered)
" than'ed her, ordered a de!affeinated !offee, lit a !igarette, and began to read the tales that follow)
") T&. MAL"$/A/T MAT"M
#or years " had been privileged to re!eive fre;uent and detailed !ommuni!ations regarding the most
advan!ed s!ientifi! and metaphysi!al studies) This information was of a highly spe!ialiFed nature
that seemed to be un'nown to the !ommon run of s!ientists and metaphysi!ians, yet was
nevertheless attainable by su!h avid nonEspe!ialists as myself, providing of !ourse that one
possessed a re!eptive temperament and willingly opened oneself to !ertain !hannels of thought and
e(perien!e)
One day " re!eived a very spe!ial !ommuni!ation whereby " learned that an astounding and ;uite
une(pe!ted brea'through had been a!hieved D the !ulmination, it appeared, of many years of
intense s!ientifi! and metaphysi!al study) This brea'through, the !ommuni!ation informed me,
!on!erned nothing less than the dis!overy of the true origins of all e(istential phenomena, both
physi!al and metaphysi!al D the very sour!e, as " understood the !laims being made, of e(isten!e in
the broadest possible sense) This spe!ial !ommuni!ation also told me that " had been sele!ted to be
among those who would be allowed a privileged view of everything involved in this startling
brea'through dis!overy, and therefore would be guaranteed a rare insight into the true origins of all
e(istential phenomena) Sin!e " was an individual who was highly re!eptive in temperament to the
matter at hand, " need only present myself at the parti!ular lo!ation where this in!redible advan!e in
s!ientifi! and metaphysi!al 'nowledge had o!!urred)
S!rupulously " followed the dire!tions !ommuni!ated to me, even though, for reasons that were not
e(plained, " was not fully apprised of the spe!ifi!s of my a!tual destination) /evertheless, " !ould
not help imagining that " would ultimately find myself a visitor at a sophisti!ated resear!h fa!ility of
some 'ind, a shining labyrinth of the most innovative devi!es and apparatus of e(traordinary
!omple(ity) The pla!e where " finally arrived, however, in no way !onformed to my simpleEminded
and deplorably !onventional e(pe!tations) This s!ientifi! and metaphysi!al installation, as " thought
of it, was lo!ated in a large building, but one that was very old) " entered it, a!!ording to my
instru!tions, through a small door that " found at the end of a dar' and narrow alley that ran along
the side of the old building) " opened the door and stepped inside, barely able to see two pa!es in
front of me, for by now it was the middle of the night) There was a faint !li!' as the door !losed
behind my ba!', and all " !ould do was wait for my eyesight to ad:ust to the dar'ness)
Moonlight shone down through a window somewhere above me and spread dimly a!ross a dirty
!on!rete floor) " !ould see that " was standing at the bottom of an empty stairwell) " heard faint
sounds of something dragging itself dire!tly toward me) Then " saw what it was that emerged from
a shadowy area of that empty stairwell) "t was a head supported by a short length of ne!' on whi!h
it pulled itself along li'e a snail, moving by in!hes upon the !on!rete floor) "ts features were
indistin!t yet nonetheless seemed deformed or mutilated, and it was ma'ing sounds whose meaning
" !ould not !omprehend, its angular :aw opening and !losing me!hani!ally) %efore the head moved
very !lose to me " noti!ed there was something else in another, even more shadowy !orner of that
blea', moonlit stairwell) /ot mu!h larger than the head that was approa!hing me a!ross the floor,
this other ob:e!t was to my eyes an almost wholly shapeless mass, ;uite pale, whi!h " was able to
identify as animated tissue only be!ause, every so often, it opened itself up li'e a giant bivalved
mollus' found at great subo!eani! depths) And it made the same sound as the !rawling head was
ma'ing, both of them !rying out at the bottom of that dim and empty stairwell, the pla!e, " had been
informed, where " might !onfront the sour!e of all e(istential phenomena)
" thought that " might have been misled, as " stood there listening to the !ries of those !reatures at
the bottom of that empty stairwell, and " left that pla!e through the door by whi!h " had entered it)
%ut :ust as that door was !losing behind me " realiFed how mu!h those sounds " heard reminded me
of the tiny voi!es of things whi!h, however imperfe!t their form, have been newly thrust into the
world of phenomenal e(isten!e)
"") P.MAT8. COMM8/"CAT"O/
.arly one winter morning during my !hildhood, while " was still lying in bed upstairs, wat!hing a
few snowfla'es floating outside my bedroom window, " heard a voi!e from downstairs say these
wordsJ BThe i!e is brea'ing up on the river)* This voi!e was li'e no other that was familiar to me) "t
was very harsh and yet very ;uiet at the same time, as though a heap of rusted ma!hinery had
whispered something from the shadows of an old fa!tory) /othing else was said by this voi!e)
6hen " left my room and went downstairs, " found my parents in the 'it!hen as they usually were at
that time on winter mornings, my father reading the newspaper and my mother preparing brea'fast
while the same snowfla'es whi!h were floating outside the window of my room upstairs were now
floating so slowly outside the 'it!hen window) %efore " !ould say anything to either of my parents,
my mother suddenly told me that " would have to stay inside the house for the rest of the day,
offering no reason for ma'ing this demand) "n rea!tion " as'ed, in the words of a !hild, if my
!onfinement to the house that day had anything to do with the words that the voi!e had spo'en, that
Bthe i!e was brea'ing up on the river)* #rom a!ross the 'it!hen my father loo'ed up at my mother,
neither of them saying a word) "n that moment " realiFed for the first time how many things in the
world were entirely un'nown to me, how reti!ent, often wholly silent, were the people and pla!es of
my small !hildhood world)
" have no memory of the e(planation my mother or my father might have offered me as the reason
why " had to stay in the house the rest of that day) A!tually " had no desire to go outdoors that
winter morning, not while that voi!e, whose mystery remained undispelled by my mother or my
father, !ontinued to spea' to me in its harsh and ;uietly distant tone from all the dim !orners of the
house, as the snowfla'es floated outside every window, repeating over and over that the i!e was
brea'ing up on the river)
"t was not many days afterward that my parents pla!ed me in a hospital where " was administered
several potent medi!ations and other forms of treatment) On the way to the hospital my father
restrained me in the ba!' seat of the !ar while my mother served as driver, and " !almed down only
during those brief moments when we passed a!ross an old bridge that was built over a fairly wide
river whi!h " had never before seen)
During my stay in the hospital " found that it was the medi!ations " was given, rather than the other
forms of treatment, that allowed me to grasp the nature of the voi!e whi!h " had heard on a
parti!ular winter morning) " 'new that my parents would be !rossing that old bridge whenever they
!ame to visit me at the hospital, so on the day when my do!tor and a !lose relative of mine appeared
in my room to e(plain to me the details of a !ertain Btragi! event,* " was the first one to spea')
%efore they !ould tell me of my mother and father*s fate, and the way in whi!h it had all happened,
" said to themJ BThe i!e has bro'en up on the river)*
And the voi!e spea'ing these words was not the voi!e of a !hild but a harsh yet whispery voi!e
emanating from the depths of that great and an!ient ma!hinery whi!h powered, a!!ording to its own
faulty and un'nown me!hanisms, the most infinitesimal movements of the world as " 'new it) Thus,
as my do!tor and a !lose relative of mine e(plained further what had happened to my parents, " only
stared out the window, wat!hing the ma!hinery Hinto whi!h " had now been assimilatedI as it
produ!ed ea!h snowfla'e that fell one by one outside the window of my hospital room)
""") T&. ASTO/OM"C %L8
Along a street of very old houses there was a building that was not a house at all but a little store
whi!h 'ept itself open for business at all hours of the day and night, every single day of the year) At
first the store appeared to me as merely primitive, a throwba!' to some earlier time when a pla!e of
business might be allowed to operate in an otherwise residential distri!t, however de!ayed the
houses of the neighborhood may have been) %ut it was mu!h more than primitive in the usual sense,
for the little store de!lared no name for itself, offered no outward sign to give an indi!ation of its
pla!e in the world around it) "t was only the lo!al residents who !alled it Bthe little store,* when they
spo'e of it at all)
There was a small window beside the dar' wooden door of the building, but if one tried to peer
through the foggy glass of this window, nothing re!ogniFable !ould ever be seen D only a swirling
blur of indefinite shapes) And although the building*s interior lights were always left on, even in the
middle of the night, it was not the bright steady illumination of ele!tri!ity that seemed to shine
through the window of the pla!e but a dim, vaguely fli!'ering glow) /either was anyone spied who
might have been regarded as the proprietor of the little store, and no one was ever seen either going
into or !oming out of it, least of all the people in the surrounding neighborhood) .ven if a passing
!ar stopped in front and someone got out of the vehi!le with the apparent intention of entering the
store, they would never get farther than the sidewal' before turning around, getting ba!' inside their
!ar, and driving away) The !hildren in the area always !rossed to the opposite side of the street
when wal'ing by the little store)
Of !ourse " was !urious about this building from the time " first moved into one of the old houses in
the neighborhood) " immediately noti!ed what " then !onsidered the primitive, virtually primal
nature of the little store, and " would at great length observe this dar'ly luminous stru!ture
whenever " went out wal'ing, as " often did, in the late hours of the night) " followed this pra!ti!e
for some time, never noti!ing any !hange in the little store, never seeing anything that " had not
seen the first night " began observing the pla!e)
Then one night something did !hange in the little store, and something also !hanged in the
neighborhood around it) "t was only for a moment that the dim glow burning within the little store
seemed to flare up before returning to its usual state of a dull, smoldering fli!'er) This was all that "
saw) /evertheless, that night " did not return to my home, be!ause it was now glowing with the
same primordial light as that within the little store) All the old houses in the neighborhood were lit
up in the same way, all of their little windows glowing dimly at that late hour) *o one .ill ever
a!ain emer!e $rom those houses, " thought as " abandoned the streets of that neighborhood) *or .ill
an+one ever desire to enter them)
Perhaps " had seen too deeply into the nature of the little store, and it was simply warning me to
loo' no further) On the other hand, perhaps " had been an a!!idental witness to something else
altogether, some plan or pro!ess whose ultimate stage is impossible to foresee, although there still
!omes to me, on !ertain nights, the dream or mental image of a dar' s'y in whi!h the stars
themselves burn low with a dim, fli!'ering light that illuminates an indefinite swirling blur wherein
it is not possible to observe any definite shapes or signs)
"+) T&. A%>SS O# O$A/"C #OMS
#or years " lived with my halfEbrother, who had been !onfined to a wheel!hair sin!e !hildhood due
to a !ongenital disease of the spine) Although pla!id mu!h of the time, my brother, or rather halfE
brother, would fre;uently gaFe upon me with a bitter and somehow brutish stare) &is eyes were
su!h a strange shade of gray, so pale and yet so luminous, that they were the first thing one noti!ed
upon approa!hing him, and the fa!t that he inhabited a wheel!hair always too' se!ond pla!e to the
unusual, the truly demoni! !hara!ter of his eyes, in whi!h there was something that " !ould never
bring myself to name)
"t was only on rare o!!asions that my halfEbrother left the house in whi!h he and " lived together,
and these were almost e(!lusively those times when, at his insisten!e, " too' him to a lo!al
ra!e!ourse where horses ran most afternoons during the ra!ing season) There we wat!hed the
animals !ome parading out onto the tra!' and run every ra!e from first to last on a given day, never
pla!ing a single wager on any of them, although we always brought home a ra!ing program whi!h
!ontained the names and performan!e statisti!s relating to all the horses we had seen) #or years "
observed my brother, as he sat in his wheel!hair :ust behind the fen!e that bordered the ra!etra!',
and " noti!ed how intensely he gaFed upon those horses, his gray eyes displaying a different aspe!t
altogether from the bitter and brutish ;uality they always assumed when we were at home) On days
when we did not visit the ra!e!ourse, he would pore over the old ra!ing programs !ontaining the
names of !ountless horses and the !omple( statisti!s relating to their !ompetitive performan!e, as
well as information regarding their physi!al nature, in!luding the age of the horses and their various
!olors, whether brown or bay, roan or gray)
One day " returned to the house where " had lived for many years with my halfEbrother and found
his wheel!hair empty in the middle of our living room) Surrounding it in a !ir!le were pie!es of
paper torn from the old ra!ing programs that my brother !olle!ted) A rather !onsiderable mound of
these s!raps of paper were heaped around my brother*s, my halfEbrother*s, wheel!hair, and on ea!h
of them was printed the name of one of the many horses we had seen on our visits to the ra!e!ourse)
" myself was ;uite familiar with these namesJ Avatara, oyal Troubadour, &allview Spirit,
Me!hani!al &arry T, and so on) Then " noti!ed that there was a trail of these torn pie!es of paper
whi!h seemed to lead away from the wheel!hair and toward the front door) " followed them outside
the house, where " found a few more fragments of old ra!ing programs out on the por!h) %ut the
trail ended even before " rea!hed the sidewal', the small s!raps of paper having been dispersed by
the bris' winds of a !old September day) After investigating for some time, " !ould find nothing to
indi!ate what had be!ome of my brother D that is, my halfEbrother D and nor !ould anyone else) /o
e(planation by any agen!y or person ever suffi!iently illuminated the reason for or method of his
disappearan!e)
"t was not long after this in!ident that, for the first time in my life, " went alone to the ra!e!ourse
whi!h my brother and " had visited together on so many previous o!!asions) There " wat!hed the
horses !ome parading out onto the tra!' for ea!h ra!e from first to last)
#ollowing the final ra!e of the day, as the horses were leaving the tra!' to return to the area where
they were 'ept in barns, " saw that one of these animals, a roan stallion, had eyes that were the
palest and most pe!uliar shade of gray) 6hen this parti!ular horse passed the spot where " was
standing, these eyes turned upon me, staring dire!tly into my own eyes in a way that seemed bitter
and thoroughly brutish and whi!h !onveyed to me the sense of something unusual, something truly
demoni! that " !ould never bring myself to name)
+) T&. P&./OM./AL #./P>
#or a time " had been loo'ing to buy a house in whi!h, barring unforeseen developments, " was
planning to live out the rest of my life) During this period of houseEsear!hing, " found myself
!onsidering properties that were in!reasingly distant from those nearest to them, until ultimately my
sear!h for a house in whi!h to live out the rest of my life too' pla!e entirely in remote areas miles
from the most outEofEtheEway towns) " myself was sometimes surprised at the ba!'road lands!apes
in whi!h " ventured to investigate some old pla!e where a real estate agent had sent me or upon
whi!h " simply happened in the !ourse of wandering farther and farther from any 'ind of developed
region, or even one that had the least pro(imity to other houses)
"t was while driving my !ar through one of these ba!'road lands!apes, on a windy /ovember
afternoon, that " dis!overed the sort of isolated house whi!h at that point was the only !on!eivable
pla!e where " !ould live out the rest of my life with any !han!e of being at pea!e in the world)
Although this twoEstory frame stru!ture stood in a relatively level and austere ba!'road lands!ape,
with a few bare trees and a ruined water tower intervening between it and the dull autumnal
horiFon, " did not be!ome aware of its presen!e until " had nearly passed it by) There was no sign of
lands!aping immediately surrounding the house, only the same grayish s!rub grass that !overed the
ground everywhere else in the area as far as the eye !ould see) >et the house itself seemed relatively
new in its !onstru!tion, and was not e(a!tly the type of runEdown pla!e in whi!h " e(pe!ted to live
out the rest of my life in de!ayed se!lusion)
" have already mentioned that it was a windy day, and, as " stood !ontemplating that spe!ta!ularly
isolated house, the atmosphere of that vast ba!'road lands!ape be!ame almost !y!loni!)
#urthermore, the s'y was beginning to dar'en at the edges of the horiFon, even though there were
no !louds to be seen and several hours remained until the approa!h of twilight) As the for!e of the
winds grew stronger, the only other features in that ba!'road lands!ape D the few bare trees and the
ruined water tower D seemed to be re!eding into the distan!e away from me, while the house before
whi!h " stood appeared to loom !loser and !loser) "n a thoughtless moment of pani! " ran ba!' to
my !ar, struggling to open the door as the wind pounded against it) As soon as " was inside the !ar, "
started the engine and drove as fast as !onditions would allow) /evertheless, it seemed that " was
ma'ing no progress along the route by whi!h " had !ome to that regionJ the horiFon was still
dar'ening and re!eding ahead of me while the house in my rearEview mirror remained !onstant in
its looming perspe!tive) .ventually, however, things began to !hange and that ba!'road lands!ape,
along with the isolated twoEstory house, diminished behind me)
Only later did " as' myself where " would live out the rest of my life if not in that ba!'road
lands!ape, that remote paradise in whi!h a house had been ere!ted that seemed perfe!tly designed
for me) %ut this same pla!e, a true resting pla!e in whi!h " should have been able to live out the rest
of my life in some 'ind of pea!e, was now only one more thing that " had to fear)
A#T.6OD
"n addition to the five stories presented here, " also found notes, mostly in the form of un!onne!ted
phrases, for a si(th story with the apparent wor'ing title of BSideshow)* #ollowing the manner of the
other pie!es, this story similarly seemed destined to be no more than a dreamli'e vignette, an
episode of Bpe!uliar and ridi!ulous show business,* to ;uote from the author*s notes) There were
other uni;ue phrases or ideas that appeared in these notes whi!h had also emerged in my
!onversations with the author as we sat in the !orner booth of that !offee shop throughout the
!ourse of several nights) #or e(ample, su!h phrases as Bthe volatility of things* and Bune(pe!ted
mutations* appeared repeatedly, as if these were to serve as the guiding prin!iples of this
presumably abandoned narrative)
" suppose " should not have been surprised to find that the author of the aborted narrative had made
referen!es to myself, sin!e he had !learly !hara!teriFed his wor' to me as Bautobiographi!al
wret!hedness)* "n these notes " am fairly designated as the Bother man in the !offee shop* and as a
Bpitiful insomnia! who manufa!tures artisti! !onundrums for himself in order to distra!t his mind
from the sideshow town in whi!h he has spent his life)* The words Bsideshow town* appear earlier in
what seems to be the intended opening senten!e of the aborted, or perhaps deliberately abandoned,
story) This parti!ular senten!e is interesting in that it dire!tly suggests a !ontinuity with one of the
other stories, something that, in my noti!e, is otherwise absent among these feverish, apparently
deranged fragments) BAfter failing to find a house in whi!h " might live out the rest of my life,* the
senten!e begins, B" began to travel franti!ally from one sideshow town to another, ea!h of them
des!ending further than the one before it into the depths of a showEbusiness world)*
$iven the in!omplete nature of the notes for the story !alled BSideshow,* not to mention the highly
ellipti!al ;uality that was !onspi!uous even in the author*s !ompleted wor's whi!h " had read, " did
not sear!h very long for the modi!um of B!oheren!e and !ontinuity* that he !laimed to assign to the
Bsenseless episodes* forming the fundamental stratum of both his writings and his e(perien!e of the
world) And at some point these notes !eased to resemble a rough outline for a wor'EinEprogress and
too' on the tone of a :ournal or private !onfession) BTold M ?a referen!e to myself, " assumed@ that "
wrote when " was 0rom0ted,* he wrote)
BDidn*t mention what might !onstitue su!h a prompt, and he didn*t as') +ery strange, sin!e he
seemed to display all the subtle ;ualities of a highly re!eptive temperament, not to mention those
far less subtle traits whi!h were evident from our first meeting) Li'e gaFing into a funhouse mirrorJ
the glaring li'eness of our literary pursuits, our shared insomnia, even the brand of !igarette whi!h
we both smo'ed, often lighting up at the same time) I wasn*t going to draw attention to these
details, but why didn*t heK*
" re!alled that one night " had ;uestioned the meaning of my !ompanion*s statement that everything
Hin a Bsideshow world,* that isI was Bultimately pe!uliar and ultimately ridi!ulous)* "n his notes, or
!onfession, he wroteJ B/o standard e(ists for the pe!uliarity and ridi!ulousness of things, not even
one that is unspea'able or un'nowable, words whi!h are merely a front or a subterfuge) These
;ualities D the pe!uliar and the ridi!ulous D are immanent and absolute in all e(isten!e and would be
in any !on!eivable e(istent order ) ) )* This last senten!e is trans!ribed thus from the author*s notes,
trun!ated by ellipsis so that he !ould immediately :ump to his ne(t thought, whi!h was written on
the same line) B6hy didn*t M !hallenge this assertionK 6hy did he allow so many things to remain
on the surfa!e that might easily have gone so mu!h deeperK* And on the line dire!tly below that, he
wroteJ BSome pe!uliar and ridi!ulous fate in a sideshow town)*
After " finished reading the five !ompleted stories and the notesE!umE:ournal or !onfession relating
to a si(th tale, " left the !offee shop, eager not to allow even the faintest tou!h of the approa!hing
dawn to !at!h me sitting in that !orner booth, a !ir!umstan!e that " always found intensely
depressing for some reason) " followed my usual !ourse of ba!'streets and alleys home, pausing
every so often to admire the suggestive glow in the window of a little store or the networ' of
sagging wires that was everywhere strung above me, the power surging within them seeming to pull
me along and put ea!h of my steps in pla!e) This was indeed a sideshow town in every way,
pe!uliar and ridi!ulous in its essen!e, though no more so than any other pla!e) " thin' that my
!offeeEshop !ompanion might at one time have had a profound appre!iation for this state of affairs
but had somehow lost it) "n the end it seemed that he !ould not attain even an attitude of resignation,
let alone the strength to let himself be !arried along by the immanent and absolute realities, the
great ines!apable matters whi!h he had been privileged to glimpse, so to spea', at the bottom of a
dim and empty stairwell)
" was almost home when " heard a !ommotion in a pile of debris beneath the silveryEblue
lumines!en!e of a streetlight in an alley) Loo'ing deep into the mound of empty paint !ans, bi!y!le
wheels stripped of their tires, rusty !urtain rods, and the li'e, " saw the little !reature) "t was
something that might have !ome from a :ar in a museum e(hibit or a !arnival sideshow) 6hat "
most !learly remember is the impression made on me by its pale gray eyes, whi!h " had already
guessed were a family trait and whi!h had loo'ed at me numerous times from the other side of a
!orner booth in a !offee shop) These eyes now stared at me a!!usingly over a bundled sta!' of old
newspapers, those heaping !hroni!les of the sideshow world) As " began to wal' away, the shrun'en
!reature tried to !all out to me, but the only sound it managed to ma'e was a !oarse raspy noise that
briefly e!hoed down the alley) B/o,* he had written in his notes to the unfinished si(th story) B"
refuse to be a s!ribe for this showEbusiness phenomenon any longer)* ", on the other hand, had
triumphed over my literary !risis and wanted nothing more than to get ba!' to my des', my brain
pra!ti!ally vibrating with an unwonted energy in spite of passing another night without any sleep)
T&. CLO6/ P8PP.T
"t has always seemed to me that my e(isten!e !onsisted purely and e(!lusively of nothing but the
most outrageous nonsense) As long as " !an remember, every in!ident and every impulse of my
e(isten!e has served only to perpetrate one episode after another of !onspi!uous nonsense, ea!h
!ompletely outrageous in its nonsensi!ality) Considered from whatever point of view D intimately
!lose, infinitely remote, or any position in between D the whole thing has always seemed to be
nothing more than some frea' a!!ident o!!urring at a painfully slow rate of speed) At times " have
been rendered breathless by the impe!!able !haoti!ism, the absolutely perfe!t nonsense of some
spe!ta!le ta'ing pla!e outside myself, or, on the other hand, some spe!ta!le of e;ually senseless
outrageousness ta'ing pla!e within me) "mages of densely twisted shapes and lines arise in my
brain) #cri''les o$ a mentall+ deran!ed e0ile0tic, " have often said to myself) "f " may allow any
e(!eption to the outrageously nonsensi!al !ondition " have des!ribed D and " will allow none D this
single e(!eption would involve those visits whi!h " e(perien!ed at s!attered intervals throughout
my e(isten!e, and espe!ially one parti!ular visit that too' pla!e in Mr +iFnia'*s medi!ine shop)
" was stationed behind the !ounter at Mr +iFnia'*s modest establishment very late one night) At that
hour there was pra!ti!ally no business at all, none really, given the ba!'street lo!ation of the shop
and its !losetEli'e dimensions, as well as the fa!t that " 'ept the pla!e in almost !omplete dar'ness
both outside and inside) Mr +iFnia' lived in a small apartment above the medi!ine shop, and he
gave me permission to 'eep the pla!e open or !lose it up as " li'ed after a !ertain hour) "t seemed
that he 'new that being stationed behind the !ounter of his medi!ine shop at all hours of the night,
and in almost !omplete dar'ness e(!ept for a few lighting fi(tures on the walls, provided my mind
with some distra!tion from the outrageous nonsense whi!h might otherwise o!!upy it) Later events
more or less proved that Mr +iFnia' indeed possessed a spe!ial 'nowledge and that there e(isted, in
fa!t, a pe!uliar sympathy between the old man and myself) Sin!e Mr +iFnia'*s shop was lo!ated on
an obs!ure ba!'street, the neighborhood outside was profoundly ina!tive during the later hours of
the night) And sin!e most of the streetlamps in the neighborhood were either bro'en or defe!tive in
some way, the only thing " !ould see through the small front window of the shop was the neon
lettering in the window of the meat store dire!tly a!ross the street) These pale neon letters remained
lit throughout the night in the window of the meat store, spelling out three wordsJ beef, por', goat)
Sometimes " would stare at these words and !ontemplate them until my head be!ame so full of meat
nonsense, of beef and por' and goat nonsense, that " had to turn away and find something to o!!upy
myself in the ba!' room of the medi!ine shop, where there were no windows and thus no possibility
of meatEstore visions) %ut on!e " was in the ba!' room " would be!ome preo!!upied with all the
medi!ines whi!h were stored there, all the bottles and :ars and bo(es upon bo(es sta!'ed from floor
to !eiling in an e(tremely !ramped area) " had learned ;uite a bit about these medi!ines from Mr
+iFnia', although " did not have a li!ense to prepare and dispense them to !ustomers without his
supervision) " 'new whi!h medi!ines !ould be used to most easily !ause death in someone who had
ingested them in the proper amount and proper manner) Thus, whenever " went into the ba!' room
to relieve my mind from the meat nonsense brought on by e(!essive !ontemplation of the beefE
por'EandEgoat store, " almost immediately be!ame preo!!upied with fatal medi!inesC in other
words, " would then be!ome obsessed with death nonsense, whi!h is one of the worst and most
outrageous forms of all nonsense) 8sually " would end up retreating to the small lavatory in the
ba!' room, where " !ould !olle!t myself and !lear my head before returning to my station behind
the !ounter of Mr +iFnia'*s medi!ine shop)
"t was there D behind the medi!ine shop !ounter, that is D that " e(perien!ed one of those visits,
whi!h " might have allowed as the sole e(!eption to the intensely outrageous nonsense of my
e(isten!e, but whi!h in fa!t, " must say, were the nadir of the nonsensi!al) This was my medicine/
sho0 visit, so !alled be!ause " have always e(perien!ed only a single visitation in any given pla!e D
after whi!h " begin loo'ing for a new situation, however similar it may a!tually be to my old one)
.a!h of my situations prior to Mr +iFnia'*s medi!ine shop was essentially a medi!ineEshop
situation, whether it was a situation wor'ing as a night wat!hman who patrolled some desolate
property, or a situation as a grounds'eeper for a !emetery in some remote town, or a situation in
whi!h " spent endless gray afternoons sitting in a useless library or shuffling up and down the
!loisters of a useless monastery) All of them were essentially medi!ineEshop situations, and ea!h of
them sooner or later involved a visit D either a monastery visit or a library visit, a !emetery visit or a
visit while " was delivering pa!'ages from one part of town to another in the dead of the night) At
the same time there were !ertain aspe!ts to the medi!ineEshop visit that were unli'e any of the other
visits, !ertain new and unpre!edented elements whi!h made this visit uni;ue)
"t began with an already familiar routine of nonsense) $radually, as " stood behind the !ounter late
one night at the medi!ine shop, the light radiated by the fi(tures along the walls !hanged from a dim
yellow to a ri!h reddishEgold) " have never developed an intuition that would allow me to anti!ipate
when this is going to happen, so that " might say to myselfJ BThis will be the night when the light
!hanges to reddishEgold) This will be the night of another visit)* "n the new light Hthe ri!h reddishE
gold illuminationI the interior of the medi!ine shop too' on the strange opulen!e of an old oil
paintingC everything be!ame transformed beneath a thi!' veneer of gleaming obs!urity) And " have
always wondered how my own fa!e appears in this new light, but at the time " !an never thin' about
su!h things be!ause " 'now what is about to happen, and all " !an do is hope that it will soon be
over)
After the business with the tinted illumination, only a few moments pass before there is an
appearan!e, whi!h means that the visit itself has begun) #irst the light !hanges to reddishEgold, then
the visit begins) " have never been able to figure out the reason for this se;uen!e, as if there might
be a reason for su!h nonsense as these visits or any parti!ular phase of these visits) Certainly when
the light !hanges to a reddishEgold tint " am being forewarned that an appearan!e is about to o!!ur,
but this has never enabled me to witness the actual mani$estation, and " had given up trying by the
time of the medi!ineEshop visit) " 'new that if " loo'ed to my left, the appearan!e would ta'e pla!e
in the field of vision to my rightC !onversely, if " fo!used on the field of vision to my right, the
appearan!e would ta'e pla!e, in no time at all, on my left) And of !ourse if " simply gaFed straight
ahead, the appearan!e would ta'e pla!e :ust beyond the edges of my left or right fields of vision,
silently and instantaneously) Only after it had appeared would it begin to ma'e any sound, !lattering
as it moved dire!tly in front of my eyes, and then, as always happened, " would be loo'ing at a
!reature that " might say had all the appearan!es of an anti;uated marionette, a puppet figure of
some ar!hai! type)
"t was almost lifeEsiFed and hovered :ust far enough above the floor of the medi!ine shop that its
fa!e was at the same level as my own) " am des!ribing the puppet !reature as it appeared during the
medi!ineEshop visit, but it always too' the form of the same anti;uated marionette hovering before
me in a reddishEgold haFe) "ts design was that of a !lown puppet in pale pantaloons overdraped by a
'ind of pale smo!', thin and pale hands emerging from the ruffled !uffs of its sleeves, and a
powderEpale head rising above a ruffled !ollar) " always found it diffi!ult at first to loo' dire!tly at
the fa!e of the puppet !reature whenever it appeared, be!ause the e(pression whi!h had been
!reated for that fa!e was so simple and bland, yet at the same time so intensely evil and perverse) "n
the observation of at least one !ommentator on puppet theater, the e(pressiveness of a puppet or
marionette resides in its arms, hands, and legs, never in its fa!e or head, as is the !ase with a human
a!tor) %ut in the !ase of the puppet thing hovering before me in the medi!ine shop, this was not true)
"ts e(pressiveness was all in that fa!e with its pale and pitted !omple(ion, its slightly pointed nose
and deli!ate lips, and its dead puppet eyes D eyes that did not seem able to fi( or fo!us themselves
upon anything but only gaFed with an un!hanging e(pression of dreamy malignan!e, an utterly
nonsensi!al e(pression of stupefied vi!iousness and !ruelty) So whenever this puppet !reature first
appeared " avoided loo'ing at its fa!e and instead loo'ed at its tiny feet whi!h were !overed by a
pair of pale slippers and dangled :ust above the floor) Then " always loo'ed at the wires whi!h were
atta!hed to the body of the puppet thing, and " tried to follow those wires to see where they led) %ut
at some point my vision failed meC " !ould visually tra!e the wires only so far along their neat
verti!al path ) ) ) and then they be!ame lost in a thi!' blur, a !eiling of distorted light and shadow
that always formed some distan!e above the puppet !reature*s head D and my own D beyond whi!h
my eyes !ould per!eive no !lear image, nothing at all e(!ept a vague sluggish movement, li'e a
layer of dense !louds seen from far away through a gloomy reddishEgold twilight) This phenomenon
of the wires disappearing into a blur supported my observation over the years that the puppet thing
did not have a life of its own) "t was solely by means of these wires, in my view, that the !reature
was able to pro!eed through its familiar motions) HThe term Bmotions,* as " bothered myself to
dis!over in the !ourse of my useless resear!h into the sub:e!t, was !ommonly employed at one time,
long ago, to refer to various types of puppets, as in the statementJ BThe motions re!ently viewed at
St %artholomew*s #air were engaged in anti!s of a ;uestionable probity before an audien!e whi!h
might have better profited by deep !ontemplation of the fragile and un!ertain destiny of their
immortal souls)*I The puppet swung forward toward the !ounter of the medi!ine shop behind whi!h
" stood) "ts body parts rattled loosely and noisily in the lateEnight ;uiet before !oming to rest) One of
its hands was held out to me, its fingers barely grasping a !rumpled slip of paper)
Of !ourse " too' the tiny page, whi!h appeared to have been torn from an old pad used for writing
pharma!euti!al pres!riptions) " had learned through the years to follow the puppet !reature*s !ues
obediently) At one time, years before the visit at the medi!ine shop, " was !raFy or foolish enough to
!all the puppet and its visits e(a!tly what they were D outrageous nonsense) ight to the fa!e of that
!lown puppet " said, BTa'e your nonsense somewhere else,* or possibly, B"*m si!' of this
!ontemptible and disgusting nonsense)* %ut this outburst !ounted for nothing) The puppet simply
waited until my foolhardy !raFiness had passed and then !ontinued through the motions whi!h had
been prepared for that parti!ular visit) So " e(amined the pres!ription form the !reature had passed
a!ross the !ounter to me, and " noti!ed immediately that what was written upon it was nothing but a
!haos of s!rawls and s!ribbles, whi!h was pre!isely the sort of nonsense " should have e(pe!ted
during the medi!ineEshop visit) " 'new that it was my part to play along with the !lown puppet,
although " was never pre!isely !ertain what was e(pe!ted of me) #rom previous e(perien!e " had
learned that it was futile to guess what would eventually transpire during a parti!ular visit, be!ause
the puppet !reature was !apable of almost anything) #or e(ample, on!e it visited me when " was
wor'ing through the night at a s'idErow pawn shop) " told the thing that it was wasting my time
unless it !ould produ!e an e(;uisitely !ut diamond the siFe of a yoEyo) Then it rea!hed under its
pale smo!'li'e garment and rummaged about, its hand see'ing deep within its pantaloons) B6ell,
let*s see it,* " shouted at the !lown puppet) BAs big as a yoEyo,* " repeated) /ot only did it !ome up
with an e(;uisitely !ut diamond that was, generally spea'ing, as large as a yoEyo, but the ob:e!t that
the puppet thing flashed before my eyes D brilliant in the pawnEshop dimness D was also made in the
$orm of a yoEyo ) ) ) and the !reature began to laFily play with the yoEyo diamond right in front of
me, spinning it slowly on the string that was looped about one of those pale puppetEfingers,
throwing it down and pulling it up over and over while the fa!ets of that e(;uisitely !ut diamond
!ast a pyrote!hni! brillian!e into every !orner of the pawn shop)
/ow, as " stood behind the !ounter of the medi!ine shop staring at the s!rawls and s!ribbles on that
page torn from an old pres!ription pad, " 'new that it was pointless to test the !lown puppet in any
way or to attempt to guess what would o!!ur during this parti!ular visit, whi!h would be unli'e
previous visits in several signifi!ant ways) Thus " tried only to play my part, my medi!ineEshop
part, as !lose as possible to the s!ript that " imagined had already been written, though by whom or
what " !ould have no idea)
BCould you please show me some proper identifi!ationK* " as'ed the !reature, while at the same
time loo'ing away from its pale and pasty !lown fa!e and its dead puppet eyes, gaFing instead
through the medi!ineEshop window and fo!using on the sign in the window of the meat store a!ross
the street) Over and over " read the words %..#EPO=E$OAT, %..#EPO=E$OAT, filling my
head with meat nonsense, whi!h was infinitely less outrageous than the puppet nonsense with whi!h
" was now !onfronted) B" !annot dispense this pres!ription,* " said while staring out the medi!ineE
shop window) B/ot unless you !an produ!e proper identifi!ation)* And all the time " had no idea
what to do on!e the puppet thing rea!hed into its pantaloons and !ame up with what " re;uested)
" !ontinued to stare out the medi!ineEshop window and thin' about the meat nonsense, but " !ould
still see the !lown puppet gyrating in the reddishEgold light, and " !ould hear its wooden parts
!la!'ing against one other as it struggled to pull up something that was !a!hed away inside its
pantaloons) 6ith stiff but unerring fingers the !reature was now holding what loo'ed li'e a slim
boo'let of some 'ind, waving it before me until " turned and a!!epted the ob:e!t) 6hen " opened the
boo'let and loo'ed inside " saw that it was an old passport, a foreign passport with no words that "
re!ogniFed save those of its rightful ownerJ "van +iFnia') The address below Mr +iFnia'*s name
was a very old address, be!ause " 'new that many years had passed sin!e Mr +iFnia' had emigrated
from his homeland, opened the medi!ine shop, and moved into the rooms dire!tly above it) " also
noti!ed that the photograph had been torn away from its designated pla!e in the do!ument
belonging to Mr +iFnia')
/othing li'e this had ever o!!urred during one of these puppet visitsJ no one else had ever been
involved in any of the en!ounters " had had over the years with the !lown puppet, and " was now at
a loss for my ne(t move) The only thing that o!!upied my mind was the fa!t that Mr +iFnia' lived
in the rooms above the medi!ine shop, and here in my hands was his passport, whi!h the puppet
!reature had given me when " as'ed it to provide some identifi!ation so that " !ould fill the
pres!ription it had given me, or rather, go through the motions of filling su!h a pres!ription, sin!e "
had no hope of de!iphering the s!rawls and s!ribbles on that old pres!ription form) And all of this
was nothing but the most outrageous nonsense, as " well 'new from past e(perien!e) " was a!tually
on the verge of !ommitting some e(plosive a!tion, some display of violent hysteri!s by whi!h "
might bring about an end, however unpleasant, to this intolerable situation) The eyes of the puppet
!reature were so dar' and so dead in the reddishEgold light that suffused the medi!ine shopC its head
was bobbing slightly and also ;uivering in a way that !aused my thought pro!esses to ra!e out of
!ontrol, be!oming all tangled in a bla!' !onfusion) %ut e(a!tly at the moment when " approa!hed
my brea'ing point, the head of the puppet thing turned away from me and its eyes seemed to be
loo'ing toward the !urtained doorway that led to the ba!' room of the medi!ine shop) Then it began
to move in the dire!tion of the !urtained doorway, its limbs swinging freely with the sort of spasti!
and utterly mindless gestures of playfulness that only puppets !an ma'e) /othing li'e this had ever
happened before in the !ourse of the !reature*s previous visitsJ it had never left my presen!e in this
manner) And as soon as it disappeared entirely behind the !urtain of the doorway leading to the ba!'
room, " heard a voi!e !alling to me from the street outside the medi!ine shop) "t was Mr +iFnia')
BOpen the door,* he said) BSomething has happened)*
" !ould see him through the paned windows of the front door, the eyes of his thin fa!e s;uinting into
the dimness of the medi!ine shop) 6ith his right hand he 'ept be!'oning, as if this in!essant
gesturing alone !ould bring me to open the door for him) Another 0erson is a'out to enter the 0lace
.here one o$ these visits is occurrin!, " thought to myself) %ut there seemed to be nothing " !ould
do, nothing " !ould say, not with the !lown puppet only a few feet away in the ba!' room) " stepped
around the !ounter of the medi!ine shop, unlo!'ed the front door, and let Mr +iFnia' inside) As the
old man shuffled in " !ould see that he was wearing an old robe with torn po!'ets and a pair of old
slippers)
B.verything is all right,* " whispered to him) And then " pleadedJ B$o ba!' to bed) 6e !an tal' about
it in the morning)*
%ut Mr +iFnia' seemed to have heard nothing that " said to him) #rom the moment he entered the
medi!ine shop he appeared to be in some unusual state of mind) &is whole manner had lost the vital
urgen!y he displayed when he was rapping at the door and be!'oning to me) &e pointed one of his
pale, !roo'ed fingers upward and slowly gaFed around the shop) BThe light ) ) ) the light,* he said as
the reddishEgold illumination shone on his thin, wrin'led fa!e, ma'ing it loo' as if he were wearing
a mas' that had been hammered out of some strange metal, some an!ient mas' behind whi!h his old
eyes were wide and bright with fear)
BTell me what happened,* " said, trying to distra!t him) " had to repeat myself several times before
he finally responded) B" thought " heard someone in my room upstairs,* he said in a !ompletely
toneless voi!e) BThey were going through my things) " thought " might have been dreaming, but "
was awa'e when " heard something going down the stairs) /ot footsteps,* he said) BGust something
;uietly brushing against the stairs) " wasn*t sure) " didn*t !ome down right away)*
B" didn*t hear anyone !ome down the stairs,* " said to Mr +iFnia', who now seemed lost in a long
pause of !ontemplation) B" didn*t see anyone on the street outside) >ou were probably :ust dreaming)
6hy don*t you go ba!' to bed and forget about everything,* " said) %ut Mr +iFnia' no longer
seemed to be listening to me) &e was staring at the !urtained doorway leading to the ba!' room of
the medi!ine shop)
B" have to use the toilet,* he said while !ontinuing to stare at the !urtained doorway)
B>ou !an go ba!' to your room upstairs,* " suggested)
B/o,* he said) B%a!' there) " have to use the toilet)* Then he began shuffling toward the ba!' room,
his old slippers lightly brushing against the floor of the medi!ine shop) " !alled to him, very ;uietly,
a number of times, but he !ontinued to move steadily toward the ba!' room, as if he were in a
tran!e) "n a few moments he had disappeared behind the !urtain)
" thought that Mr +iFnia' might not find anything in the ba!' room of the medi!ine shop) " thought
that he might see only the bottles and :ars and bo(es upon bo(es of medi!ines) &erha0s the visit has
alread+ ended, " thought) "t o!!urred to me that the visit !ould have ended the moment the puppet
!reature went behind the !urtain of the doorway leading to the ba!' room) " thought that Mr +iFnia'
might return from the ba!' room, after having used the toilet, and go upstairs again to his rooms
above the medi!ine shop) " thought all 'inds of nonsense in the last few moments of that parti!ular
visit from the !lown puppet)
%ut in a number of its signifi!ant aspe!ts this was unli'e any of the previous puppet visits " had
e(perien!ed) " might even !laim that " was not the one whom the puppet !reature was visiting on
this o!!asion, or at least not e(!lusively so) .ven though " had always felt that my en!ounters with
the !lown puppet were nothing but the most outrageous nonsense, the very nadir of the nonsensi!al,
as " have said, " nonetheless always had the haunting sense of being singled out in some way from
all others of my 'ind, of being cultivated for some spe!ial fate) %ut after Mr +iFnia' disappeared
behind the !urtained doorway " dis!overed how wrong " had been) 6ho 'nows how many others
there were who might say that their e(isten!e !onsisted of nothing but the most outrageous
nonsense, a nonsense that had nothing uni;ue about it at all and that had nothing behind it or
beyond it e(!ept more and more nonsense D a new order of nonsense, perhaps an utterly un'nown
nonsense, but all of it nonsense and nothing but nonsense)
.very pla!e " had been in my life was only a pla!e for puppet nonsense) The medi!ine shop was
only a puppet pla!e li'e all the others) " !ame there to wor' behind the !ounter and wait for my
visit, but " had no idea until that night that Mr +iFnia' was also waiting for his) 8pon refle!tion, it
seemed that he 'new what was behind the !urtained doorway leading to the ba!' room of the
medi!ine shop, and that he also 'new that there was no longer any pla!e to go e(!ept behind that
!urtain, sin!e any pla!e he went in his life would only be another puppet pla!e) >et it still seemed he
was surprised by what he found ba!' there) And this is the most outrageously nonsensi!al thing of
all D that he should have stepped behind the !urtain and !ried out with su!h profound surprise as he
did) -ou, he said, or rather !ried out) Get a.a+ $rom me, These were the last words that " heard
!learly before Mr +iFnia'*s voi!e faded ;ui!'ly out of earshot, as though he were being !arried
away at in!redible velo!ity toward some great height) *o. he .ould see, " thought during that brief
moment) Mr 1izniak .ould see .hat controlled the strin!s o$ the clo.n 0u00et)
6hen morning finally !ame, and " loo'ed behind the !urtain, there was no one there) " told myself,
as if for the sa'e of reassuran!e, that " would not be so surprised when my time !ame) /o doubt Mr
+iFnia' had told himself, at some point in his life, the same, utterly nonsensi!al thing)
T&. .D TO6.
The ruined fa!tory stood three stories high in an otherwise featureless lands!ape) Although
somewhat imposing on its own terms, it o!!upied only the most unobtrusive pla!e within the gray
emptiness of its surroundings, its presen!e serving as a mere a!!ent upon a desolate horiFon) /o
road led to the fa!tory, nor were there any tra!es of one that might have led to it at some time in the
distant past) "f there had ever been su!h a road it would have been rendered useless as soon as it
arrived at one of the four, redEbri!'ed sides of the fa!tory, even in the days when the fa!ility was in
full operation) The reason for this was simpleJ no doors had been built into the fa!toryC no loading
do!'s or entran!eways allowed penetration of the outer walls of the stru!ture, whi!h was solid bri!'
on all four sides without even a single window below the level of the se!ond floor) The
phenomenon of a large fa!tory so !losed off from the outside world was a point of e(treme
fas!ination to me) "t was almost with regret that " ultimately learned about the fa!tory*s
subterranean a!!ess) %ut of !ourse that revelation in its turn also be!ame a sour!e for my truly
degenerate sense of amaFement, my de!ayed fas!ination)
The fa!tory had long been in ruins, its innumerable bri!'s worn and !rumbling, its many windows
shattered) .a!h of the three enormous stories that stood above the ground level was va!ant of all but
dust and silen!e) The ma!hinery, whi!h had densely o!!upied the three floors of the fa!tory as well
as !onsiderable spa!e beneath it, is said to have evaporated D " repeat, eva0orated 2 soon after the
fa!tory !eased operation, leaving behind only a few spe!tral outlines of deep vats and tan's,
twisting tubes and funnels, harshly grinding gears and levers, giant belts and wheels that !ould be
most !learly seen at twilight D and later, not at all) A!!ording to these stri!tly hallu!inatory
a!!ounts, the whole of the ed Tower, as the fa!tory was 'nown, had always been sub:e!t to
$adin!s at !ertain times) This phenomenon, in the delirious or dying words of several witnesses, was
due to a profound hostility between the noisy and malodorous operations of the fa!tory and the
desolate purity of the lands!ape surrounding it, the !onfli!t o!!asionally resulting in temporary
erasures, or fadings, of the former by the latter)
Despite their ostensibly mad or !redulous origins, these testimonies, it seemed to me, deserved
more than a !ursory hearing) The legendary !onfli!t between the fa!tory and the grayish territory
surrounding it may very well have been a fabri!ation of individuals who were lost in the advan!ed
stages of either physi!al or psy!hi! deterioration) /onetheless, it was my theory, and remains so,
that the ed Tower was not always that pe!uliar !olor for whi!h it ultimately earned its fame) Thus
the encrimsonin! of the fa!tory was a betrayal, a brea'ingEoff, for it is my postulation that this
an!ient stru!ture was in longEforgotten days the same pale hue as the world whi!h en!ompassed it)
#urthermore, with an insight born of dispassion to the point of total despair, " envisioned that the
ed Tower was never solely devoted to the lowly fun!tions of an ordinary fa!tory)
%eneath the three soaring stories of the ed Tower were two, possibly three, other levels) The one
immediately below the first floor of the fa!tory was the ne(us of a uni;ue distribution system for
the goods whi!h were manufa!tured on all three of the floors above) This first subterranean level in
many ways resembled, and fun!tioned in the manner of, an oldEfashioned underground mine)
.levator !ompartments en!losed by a heavy wire mesh, twisted and !orroded, des!ended far below
the surfa!e into an e(pansive !hamber whi!h had been !rudely dug out of the ro!'y earth and was
haphaFardly perpetuated by a dense stru!ture of supports, a !rissE!rossing networ' of posts and
pillars, beams and rafters, that in!luded a variety of materials D wood, metal, !on!rete, bone, and a
fine sinewy webbing that was fibrous and ;uite firm) #rom this !entral !hamber radiated a system
of tunnels that honey!ombed the land beneath the gray and desolate !ountry surrounding the ed
Tower) Through these tunnels the goods manufa!tured by the fa!tory !ould be !arried, sometimes
literally by hand, but more often by means of small wagons and !arts, rea!hing near and far into the
most obs!ure and unli'ely delivery points)
The trade that was originally produ!ed by the ed Tower was in some sense remar'able, but not, at
first, of an e(traordinary or espe!ially ambitious nature)
This was a gruesome array of goods that !ould perhaps best be des!ribed as novelty items) "n the
beginning there was a !haoti! ;uality to the ob:e!ts and !onstru!tions produ!ed by the ma!hinery at
the ed Tower, a randomness that yielded formless things of no !onsistent shape or siFe or apparent
design) O!!asionally there might appear a pe!uliar ashen lump that betrayed some semblan!e of a
fa!e or !lawing fingers, or perhaps an assemblage that loo'ed li'e a !as'et with tiny irregular
wheels, but for the most part the early produ!tions seemed relatively inno!uous) After a time,
however, things began to fall into pla!e, as they always do, re:e!ting a harmless and uninteresting
disorder D never an enduring state of affairs D and ta'ing on the more usual plans and purposes of a
vi!iously intent !reation)
So it was that the ed Tower put into produ!tion its new, more terrible and perple(ing, line of
uni;ue novelty items) Among the ob:e!ts and !onstru!tions now manufa!tured were several of an
almost inno!ent nature) These in!luded tiny, deli!ate !ameos that were heavier than their siFe would
suggest, far heavier, and lo!'ets whose shiny outer surfa!e flipped open to reveal a bla!'
reverberant abyss inside, a deep bla!'ness roaring with e!hoes) Along the same lines was a series of
lifeli'e repli!as of internal organs and physiologi!al stru!tures, many of them eviden!ing an
advan!ed stage of disease and all of them displeasingly warm and soft to the tou!h) There was a
fa'e disembodied hand on whi!h fingernails would grow several in!hes overnight and insistently
grew ba!' should one attempt to !lip them) /umerous natural ob:e!ts, mostly bulbous gourds, were
designed to produ!e a long, deafening s!ream whenever they were pi!'ed up or otherwise disturbed
in their vegetable stillness) Less s!rutable were su!h things as hardened globs of lava into whose
rough, igneous forms were set a pair of rheumy eyes that perpetually shifted their gaFe from side to
side li'e a relentless pendulum) And there was also a humble pie!e of !ement, a fragment bro'en
away from any street or sidewal', that left a most intra!table stain, greasy and green, on whatever
surfa!e it was pla!ed) %ut su!h fairly simple items were eventually followed, and ultimately
repla!ed, by more arti!ulated ob:e!ts and !onstru!tions) One e(ample of this !omple( type of
novelty item was an ornate musi! bo( that, when opened, emitted a brief gurgling or su!'ing sound
in emulation of a dying individual*s death rattle) Another produ!t manufa!tured in great ;uantity at
the ed Tower was a po!'et wat!h in a gold !asing whi!h opened to reveal a !urious timepie!e
whose numerals were represented by tiny ;uivering inse!ts while the !ir!ling Bhands* were reptilian
tongues, slender and pin') %ut these e(amples hardly begin to hint at the range of goods that !ame
from the fa!tory during its novelty phase of produ!tion) " should at least mention the e(oti! !arpets
woven with intri!ate abstra!t patterns that, when fo!used upon for a !ertain length of time,
!omposed themselves into fleeting phantasmagori! s!enes of a 'ind whi!h might pass through a
feverEstri!'en or even permanently damaged brain)
As it was revealed to me, and as " have already revealed to you, the means of distributing the
novelty goods fabri!ated at the ed Tower was a system of tunnels lo!ated on the first level, not the
se!ond Hor, possibly, thirdI, that had been e(!avated below the threeEstory fa!tory building itself) "t
seems that these subterranean levels were not ne!essarily the foundation of the original plan of the
fa!tory but were in fa!t a perverse and unli'ely development that might have o!!urred only as the
stru!ture 'nown as the ed Tower underwent, over time, its own mutation from some prior state
until it finally be!ame a lowly site for manufa!turing) This mutation apparently demanded the
e(!avation D whether from above or below " !annot say D of a system of tunnels as a means for
distributing the novelty goods whi!h, for a time, the fa!tory produ!ed)
As the uni;ue inventions of the ed Tower a!hieved their final forms, they seemed to be assigned
spe!ifi! lo!ations to whi!h they were destined to be delivered, either by hand or by small wagons or
!arts pulled over sometimes great distan!es through the system of underground tunnels) 6here they
might ultimately pop up was anybody*s guess) "t might be in the ba!' of a dar' !loset, buried under
a pile of undistinguished :un', where some item of the highest and most e(treme novelty would lie
for ;uite some time before it was en!ountered by sheer a!!ident or misfortune) Conversely, the
same invention, or an entirely different one, might be pla!ed on the nightEtable beside someone*s
bed for nearEimmediate dis!overy) Any delivery point was possibleC none was out of the rea!h of the
ed Tower) There has even been testimony, either intensely hysteri!al or semiE!ons!ious, of items
from the fa!tory being un!overed within the shelter of a living body, or one not long de!eased) "
'now that su!h an a!hievement was within the fa!tory*s powers, given its later produ!tion history)
%ut my own degenerate imagination is most fully !aptured by the thought of how many of those
monstrous novelty goods produ!ed at the ed Tower had been s!rupulously and devoutly delivered
D solely by way of those endless underground tunnels D to daringly remote pla!es where they would
never be found, nor ever !ould be) Truly, the ed Tower wor'ed in mysterious ways)
Gust as a system of distribution tunnels had been !reated by the fa!tory when it developed into a
manufa!turer of novelty goods, an e(pansion of this system was re;uired as an entirely new phase
of produ!tion gradually evolved) "nside the wireEmesh elevator !ompartment that provided a!!ess
between the upper region of the fa!tory and the underground tunnels, there was now a spe!ial lever
installed whi!h, when pulled ba!', or possibly pushed forward H" do not 'now su!h detailsI, enabled
one to des!end to a se!ond subterranean level) This latterly e(!avated area was mu!h smaller, far
more intimate, than the one dire!tly above it, as !ould be observed the instant the elevator
!ompartment !ame to a stop and a full view of things was attained) The s!ene whi!h now
!onfronted the un!ertain minds of witnesses was in many ways li'e that of a se!luded graveyard,
surrounded by a rather !roo'ed fen!e of widely spa!ed pi!'ets held together by rusty wire) The
headstones inside the fen!e all !losely pressed against one another and were ;uite !ommon, though
somewhat anti;uated, in their design) &owever, there were no names or dates ins!ribed on these
monuments D nothing at all, in fa!t, with the e(!eption of some rudimentary and abstra!t
ornamentation) This !ould be verified only when the subterranean graveyard was !losely
approa!hed, for the lighting at this level was dim and unorthodo(, provided e(!lusively by the
glowing stone walls en!losing the area) These walls seemed to have been !overed with
phosphores!ent paint whi!h bathed the graveyard in a !loudy, grayish haFe) #or the longest time D
how long " !annot say D my morbid reveries were fo!used on this mur'y vision of a graveyard
beneath the fa!tory, a subterranean graveyard surrounded by a !roo'ed pi!'et fen!e and suffused by
the highly defe!tive illumination given off by phosphores!ent paint applied to stone walls) #or the
moment " must emphasiFe the vision itself, without any !onsideration paid to the utilitarian
purposes of this pla!e, that is, the fun!tion it served in relation to the fa!tory above it)
The truth is that at some point all of the fa!tory*s fun!tions were driven underground to this
graveyard level) Long before the !omplete eva0oration of ma!hinery in the ed Tower, something
happened to re;uire the shutEdown of all operations in the three floors of the fa!tory whi!h were
above ground level) The reasons for this a!tion are deeply obs!ure, a matter for !ontemplation only
when a state of hopeless and devouring !uriosity has rea!hed its height, when the burning light of
spe!ulation be!omes so intense that it threatens to in!inerate everything on whi!h it shines) To my
own mind it seems entirely valid to reiterate at this :un!ture the longstanding tensions that e(isted
between the ed Tower, whi!h " believe was not always stigmatiFed by su!h a hue and su!h a title,
and the grayish lands!ape of utter desolation that surrounded this stru!ture on all sides, looming
around and above it for ;uite in!al!ulable distan!es) %ut below the ground level of the fa!tory was
another matterJ it was here that its operations at some point retreatedC it was here, spe!ifi!ally at this
graveyard level, that they !ontinued)
Clearly the ed Tower had !ommitted some violation or offense, its !lamoring a!tivities and
unorthodo( produ!ts D perhaps its very e(isten!e D !onstituting an affront to the !hangeless
;uietude of the world around it) "n my personal :udgment there had been a betrayal involved, a
trea!herous brea'ing of a bond) " !an !ertainly pi!ture a time before the e(isten!e of the fa!tory,
before any of its features blemished the featureless !ountry that e(tended so gray and so desolate on
every side) Dreaming upon the grayish desolation of that lands!ape, " also find it ;uite easy to
imagine that there might have o!!urred a lapse in the monumental tedium, a spontaneous and
ine(pli!able impulse to deviate from a dreary perfe!tion, perhaps even an un!on;uerable desire to
ris' a move toward a tempting defe!tiveness) As a !on!ession to this impulse or desire out o$
no.here, as a minimal surrender, a !reation too' pla!e and a stru!ture too' form where there had
been nothing of its 'ind before) " pi!ture it, at its in!eption, as a barely dis!ernable irruption in the
lands!ape, a mere s'et!h of an edifi!e, possibly translu!ent when ma'ing its first appearan!e, a gray
density rising in the grayness, embossed upon it in a most tasteful and harmonious design) %ut su!h
stru!tures or !reations have their own desires, their own destinies to fulfill, their own mysteries and
me!hanisms whi!h they must follow at whatever ris')
#rom a gray and desolate and utterly featureless lands!ape a dull edifi!e had been produ!ed, a pale,
possibly translu!ent tower whi!h, over time, began to develop into a fa!tory and to issue, as if in the
spirit of the most grotes;ue belligeren!e, a line of ;uite morbid, ;uite wonderfully disgusting
novelty goods) "n an e(pression of defian!e, at some point, it reddened with an enigmati! passion
for betrayal and perversity) On the surfa!e the ed Tower might have seemed a splendid
!omplement to the grayish desolation of its surroundings, ma'ing a uni;ue, pi!tures;ue
!omposition that served to define the glorious essen!e of ea!h of them) %ut in fa!t there e(isted
between them a profound and ineffable hostility) An attempt was made to re!laim the ed Tower, or
at least to draw it ba!' toward the formless origins of its being) " am referring, of !ourse, to that
show of for!e whi!h resulted in the eva0oration of the fa!tory*s dense arsenal of ma!hinery) .a!h
of the three stories of the ed Tower had been !leaned out, purged of its offending means of
manufa!turing novelty items, and the part of the fa!tory that rose above the ground was left to fall
into ruins)
&ad the ma!hinery in the ed Tower not been evaporated, " believe that the subterranean graveyard,
or something very mu!h li'e it, would nonetheless have !ome into e(isten!e at some point or
another) This was the dire!tion in whi!h the fa!tory had been moving, a fa!t suggested by some of
its later models of novelty items) Ma!hines were be!oming obsolete as the diseased mania of the
ed Tower intensified and evolved into more e(perimental, even visionary pro:e!ts) " have
previously reported that the headstones in the fa!tory*s subterranean graveyard were absent of any
names of the interred and were without dates of birth and death) This truth has been !onfirmed by
numerous a!!ounts rendered in borderline gibberish) The reason for these blan' headstones is
entirely evident as one gaFes upon them standing !roo'ed and !losely pa!'ed together in the
phosphores!ent haFe given off by the stone walls !overed with luminous paint) /one of these
graves, in point of fa!t, !ould be said to have anyone buried in them whose names and dates of birth
and death would re;uire ins!ription on the headstones) These were not what might be !alled
'ur+in! !raves) This is to say that these were in no sense graves for burying the dead) Quite the
!ontraryJ these were graves of a highly e(perimental design from whi!h the newest produ!tions of
the ed Tower were to be born)
#rom its beginnings as a manufa!turer of novelty items of an e(travagant nature, the fa!tory had
now gone into the business of !reating what !ame to be 'nown as BhyperEorganisms)* These new
produ!tions were also of a fundamentally e(treme nature, representing an even greater divergen!e
on the part of the ed Tower from the bland and gray desolation in the midst of whi!h it stood) As
implied by their designation as h+0er/or!anisms, this line of goods displayed the most essential
;ualities of their organi! nature, whi!h meant, of !ourse, that they were wildly !onfli!ted in their
two basi! features) On the one hand, they manifested an intense vitalit+ in all aspe!ts of their form
and fun!tionC on the other hand, and simultaneously, they manifested an inelu!table element of
deca+ in these same areas) To state this matter in the most lu!id termsJ ea!h of these hyperE
organisms, even as they s!intillated with an obs!ene degree of vital impulses, also, and at the same
time, had degenera!y and death written deeply upon them) "n a!!ord with a tradition of dumbstru!'
insanity, it seems the less said about these offspring of the 'irthin! !raves, or any similar !reations,
the better) " myself have been almost entirely restri!ted to a state of seething spe!ulation !on!erning
the lus!ious parti!ularities of all hyperEorgani! phenomena produ!ed in the subterranean graveyard
of the ed Tower) Although we may reasonably assume that su!h !reations were not to be !alled
beautiful, we !annot 'now for ourselves the mysteries and me!hanisms of, for instan!e, how these
!reations moved throughout the haFy lumines!en!e of that underground worldC what !rea'y or
spasmi! gestures they might have been !apable of e(e!uting, if anyC what sounds they might have
made or the organs used for ma'ing themC how they might have appeared when aw'wardly
emerging from deep shadows or s;uatting against those nameless headstonesC what trembling stages
of mutation they almost !ertainly would have undergone following the generation of their larvae
upon the barren earth of the graveyardC what their bodies might have produ!ed or emitted in the
way of fluids and se!retionsC how they might have responded to the mutilation of their forms for
reasons of an e(perimental or entirely savage nature) Often " pi!ture to myself what franti!ally
!lawing efforts these !reations probably made to deliver themselves from that !onfining
environment whi!h their malformed or none(istent brains !ould not begin to understand) They
!ould not have !omprehended, any more than !an ", for what purpose they were bred from those
graves, those in!ubators of hyperEorganisms, minute fa!tories of flesh that e(isted wholly within
and far below the greater fa!tory of the ed Tower)
"t was no surprise, of !ourse, that the produ!tion of hyperEorganisms was not allowed to !ontinue
for very long before a se!ond wave of destru!tion was visited upon the fa!tory) This time it was not
merely the $adin! and ultimate eva0oration of ma!hinery that too' pla!eC this time it was something
far more brutal) On!e again, for!es of ruination were dire!ted at the fa!tory, spe!ifi!ally the
subterranean graveyard lo!ated at its se!ond underground level, its threeEstory stru!ture that stood
above ground having already been rendered an e!hoing ruin) "nformation on what remained of the
graveyard, and of its !leverly blasphemous wor's, is available to my own awareness only in the
form of shuddering and badly garbled whispers of mayhem and devastation and wholesale
sundering of the most unspea'able sort) These same sour!es also seem to regard this in!ident as the
!ulmination, if not the !on!lusion, of the longstanding hostilities between the ed Tower and that
grayish halo of desolation that hovered around it on all sides) Su!h a shattering episode would
appear to have terminated the !areer of the ed Tower)
/evertheless, there are indi!ations that, appearan!es to the !ontrary, the fa!tory !ontinues to be
a!tive despite its status as a silent ruin) After all, the evaporation of the ma!hinery whi!h turned out
!ountless novelty items in the threeEstory redEbri!' fa!tory proper, and the ensuing obsoles!en!e of
its sophisti!ated system of tunnels at the first underground level, did not prevent the fa!tory from
pursuing its business by other and more devious means) The wor' at the se!ond underground level
Hthe graveyard levelI went very well for a time) #ollowing the vi!ious de!imation of those ingenious
and fertile graves, along with the mer!handise they produ!ed, it may have seemed that the
manufa!turing history of the ed Tower had been brought to a !lose) >et there are indi!ations that
below the threeEstory aboveEground fa!tory, below the first and the se!ond underground levels,
there e(ists a third level of subterranean a!tivity) Perhaps it is only a desire for symmetry, a hunger
for !ompositional balan!e in things, that has led to a series of the most vaporous rumors anent this
third underground level, in order to provide a 'ind of !omplementary proportion to the three stories
of the fa!tory that rise into the gray and featureless lands!ape above ground) At this third level,
these rumors maintain, the fa!tory*s s!hedule of produ!tion is being !arried out in some new and
strange manner, representing its most ambitious venture in the output of putrid !reations, ultimately
!onsummating its tradition of degenera!y, rea!hing toward a perfe!tion of defe!t and disorder,
a!!ording to every polluted and foggy rumor !on!erned with this issue)
Perhaps it seems that " have said too mu!h about the ed Tower, and perhaps it has sounded far too
strange) Do not thin' that " am unaware of su!h things) %ut as " have noted throughout this
do!ument, " am only repeating what " have heard) " myself have never seen the ed Tower D no one
ever has, and possibly no one ever will) And yet wherever " go, people are tal'ing about it) "n one
way or another they are tal'ing about the nightmarish novelty items or about the mysterious and
revolting hyperEorganisms, as well as babbling endlessly about the subterranean system of tunnels
and the se!luded graveyard whose headstones display no names and no dates designating either
birth or death) .verything they are saying is about the ed Tower, in one way or another, and about
nothing else but the ed Tower) 6e are all tal'ing and thin'ing about the ed Tower in our own
degenerate way) " have only re!orded what everyone is saying Hthough they may not 'now they are
saying itI, and sometimes what they have seen Hthough they may not 'now they have seen itI) %ut
still they are always tal'ing, in one deranged way or another, about the ed Tower) " hear them tal'
of it every day of my life) 8nless, of !ourse, they begin to spea' about that gray and desolate
lands!ape, that haFy void in whi!h the ed Tower D the great and industrious ed Tower D is so
pre!ariously nestled) Then the voi!es grow ;uiet until " !an barely hear them as they attempt to
!ommuni!ate with me in !ho'ing s!raps of postEnightmare trauma) /ow is :ust su!h a time when "
must strain to hear the voi!es) " wait for them to reveal to me the new ventures of the ed Tower as
it pro!eeds into even more !orrupt phases of produ!tion, in!luding the !reations being turned out by
the shadowy wor'shop of its third subterranean level) " must 'eep still and listen for the voi!esC "
must remain ;uiet for a terrifying moment) Then " will hear the news of the fa!tory starting up its
operations on!e more) Then " will be able to spea' again of the ed Tower)
D.#OMAT"O/S
M> CAS. #O .T"%8T"+. ACT"O/
"t was my first day wor'ing as a pro!essor of forms in a storefront offi!e) As soon as " entered the
pla!e D before " had a !han!e to !lose the door behind me or ta'e a single step inside D this ra!hiti!
individual wearing mismat!hed !lothes and eyeglasses with frames far too small for his balding
head !ame hopping around his des' to greet me) &e spo'e e(!itedly, his words tumbling over
themselves, saying, B6el!ome, wel!ome) "*m ibello) Allow me, if you will, to help you get your
bearings around here) Sorry there*sno !oat ra!' or anything) >ou !an :ust use that empty des')*
/ow, " thin' you*ve 'nown me long enough, my friend, to realiFe that "*m anything but a snob or
someone who by temperament !arries around a superior attitude toward others, if for no other
reason than that " simply la!' the surplus energy re;uired for that sort of behavior) So " smiled and
tried to introdu!e myself) %ut ibello !ontinued to inundate me with his patter) BDid you bring what
they told youK* he as'ed, glan!ing down at the brief!ase hanging from my right hand) B6e have to
provide our own supplies around here, "*m sure you were told that mu!h,* he !ontinued before "
!ould get a word in) Then he turned his head slightly to snea' a glan!e around the storefront offi!e,
whi!h !onsisted of eight des's, only half of them o!!upied, surrounded by towering rows of filing
!abinets that !ame within a few feet of the !eiling) BAnd don*t ma'e any plans for lun!h,* he said)
B"*m going to ta'e you somepla!e) There are some things you might want to 'now) "nformation,
ane!dotes) There*s one parti!ular ane!dote ) ) ) but we*ll let that wait) >ou*ll need to get your
bearings around here)*
ibello then made sure " 'new whi!h des' "*d been assigned, pointing out the one !losest to the
window of the storefront offi!e) BThat used to be my des') /ow that you*re with us " !an move to
one of the des's farther ba!')* Anti!ipating ibello*s ne(t ;uery, " told him that " had already
re!eived instru!tions regarding my tas's, whi!h !onsisted entirely of pro!essing various forms for
the Quine OrganiFation, a !ompany whose interests and a!tivities penetrate into every enterprise,
both publi! and private, on this side of the border) "ts head;uarters are lo!ated far from the town
where " se!ured a :ob wor'ing for them, a drab outpost, one might !all it, that*s even ;uite distant
from any of the !ompany*s regional !enters of operation) "n su!h a pla!e, and many others li'e it,
the Quine OrganiFation also maintains offi!es, even if they are :ust dingy storefront affairs
permeated by a sour, briny odor) This smell !ould not be ignored and led me to spe!ulate that before
this building had been ta'en over as a fa!ility for pro!essing various forms relating to the
monopolist Q) Org, as it is often !alled for shorthand, it had long been o!!upied by a pi!'le shop)
>ou might be interested to 'now that this spe!ulation was later !onfirmed by ibello, who had
ta'en it upon himself to help me get my bearings in my new :ob, whi!h was also my first :ob sin!e
arriving in this little twoEstreet town)
As " sat down at my des', where a lofty sta!' of forms stood waiting to be pro!essed, " tried to put
my en!ounter with ibello out of my head) " was very mu!h on edge for reasons that you well 'now
Hmy nervous !ondition and so forthI, but in addition " was suffering from a la!' of proper rest) A
large part of the blame for my deprivation of sleep !ould be attributed to the woman who ran the
apartment house where " lived in a single room on the top floor) #or wee's "*d been pleading with
her to do something about the noises that !ame from the spa!e underneath the roof of the building,
whi!h was dire!tly above the !eiling of my room) This was a ;uite small room made that mu!h
smaller be!ause one side of it was steeply slanted in parallel to the slanted roof above) " didn*t want
to !ome out and say to the woman that there were mi!e or some other 'ind of vermin living under
the roof of the building whi!h she ran, but that was my impli!ation when " told her about the
Bnoises)* "n fa!t, these noises suggested something far more siFeable, and somehow less identifiable,
than a pa!' of runEofEtheEmill vermin) She 'ept telling me that the problem would be seen to,
although it never was) #inally, on the morning whi!h was supposed to be the first day of my new
:ob D after several wee's of struggling with inade;uate sleep in addition to the agitations deriving
from my nervous !ondition D " thought " would :ust ma'e an end of it right there in that oneEroom
apartment on the top floor of a building in a twoEstreet town on the opposite side of the border from
the pla!e where " had lived my whole life and to where it seemed " would never be able to return)
#or the longest time " sat on the edge of my bed holding a bottle of nerve medi!ine, shifting it from
one hand to the other and thin'ing, B6hen " stop shifting this bottle ba!' and forth D an a!tion that
seemed to be o!!urring without the intervention or !ontrol of my own mind D if " find myself
holding it in my left hand "*ll swallow the entire !ontents and ma'e an end of it, and if " find myself
holding it in my right hand "*ll go and start wor'ing in a storefront offi!e for the Quine
OrganiFation)*
" don*t a!tually re!all in whi!h hand the bottle ended up, or whether " dropped it on the floor in
passing it from hand to hand, or what in the world happened) All " 'now is that " turned up at that
storefront offi!e, and, as soon as " stepped inside, ibello was all over me with his nonsense about
how he would help me get my bearings) And now, while " was pro!essing forms one after another
li'e a ma!hine, " also had to anti!ipate going to lun!h with this individual) /one of the other three
persons in the offi!e D two middleEaged men and an elderly woman who sat in the far !orner D had
e(er!ised the least presumption toward me, as had ibello, whom " already regarded as an
unendurable person) " !redited the others for their !onsideration and sensitivity, but of !ourse there
might have been any number of reasons why they left me alone that morning) " remember that the
do!tor who was treating both you and me, and whom " ta'e it you are still seeing, was fond of
saying, as if in wise !ounsel, B&owever mu!h you may believe otherwise, nothing in this world is
unendurable D nothing)* "f he hadn*t gotten me to believe that, " might have been more !ir!umspe!t
about him and wouldn*t be in the position " am today, e(iled on this side of the border where fogs
!onfigure themselves with an astonishing regularity) These fogs are thi!' and grayC they !rawl down
my throat and all but !ut off my breathing)
Throughout that morning " tried to pro!ess as many forms as possible, if only to 'eep my mind off
the whole state of affairs that made up my e(isten!e, added to whi!h was having to go to lun!h with
ibello) " had brought along something to eat, something that would 'eep in my brief!ase without
going rotten too soon) And for some hours the need to !onsume these few items " had stored in my
brief!ase was a!utely affe!ting me, yet ibello gave no sign that he was ready to ta'e me to this
eating pla!e he had in mind) " didn*t 'now e(a!tly what time it was, sin!e there wasn*t a !lo!' in
the offi!e and none of the others seemed to have ta'en a brea' for lun!h, or anything else for that
matter) %ut " was beginning to feel lightEheaded and an(ious) .ven more than food, " needed the
medi!ation that " had left behind in my oneEroom apartment)
Outside the front window " !ouldn*t see what was going on in the street due to an espe!ially dense
fog that formed sometime around midEmorning and hung about the town for the rest of the day) "
had almost finished pro!essing all the forms that were on my des', whi!h was far more wor' than "
had initially !al!ulated " would be able to a!!omplish in a single day) 6hen there were only a few
forms left, the elderly woman who sat in the !orner shuffled over to me with a new sta!' that was
twi!e the siFe of the first, letting them fall on my des' with a thump) " wat!hed her limp ba!' to her
pla!e in the !orner, her breath now audibly labored from the effort of !arrying su!h a weighty pile
of forms) 6hile " was turned in my seat, " saw ibello smiling and nodding at me as he pointed at
his wristwat!h) Then he pulled out a !oat from underneath his des') "t seemed that it was finally
time for us to go to lun!h, although none of the others budged or blin'ed as we wal'ed past them
and left the offi!e through a ba!' door that ibello pointed me toward)
Outside was a narrow alley whi!h ran behind the storefront offi!e and ad:a!ent stru!tures) As soon
as we were out of the building " as'ed ibello the time, but his only reply was, B6e*ll have to hurry
if we want to get there before !losing)* .ventually " found that it was almost the end of the wor'ing
day, or what " would have !onsidered to be su!h) BThe hours are irregular,* ibello informed me as
we rushed down the alley) There the ba!' walls of various stru!tures stood on one side and high
wooden fen!es on the other, the fog hugging !lose to both of them)
B6hat do you mean, irregularK* " said)
BDid " say irregularK " meant to say inde$inite,* he replied) BThere*s always a great deal of wor' to be
done) "*m sure the others were as glad to see you arrive this morning as " was, even if they didn*t
show it) 6e*re perpetually shorthanded) All right, here we are,* said ibello as he guided me toward
an alley door with a light dimly glowing above it)
"t was a small pla!e, not mu!h larger than my apartment, with only a few tables) There were no
!ustomers other than ourselves, and most of the lights had been turned off) B>ou*re still open, aren*t
youK* said ibello to a man in a dirty apron who loo'ed as if he hadn*t shaved for several days)
BSoon we !lose,* the man said) B>ou sit there)*
6e sat where we were told to sit, and in short order a woman brought two !ups of !offee, slamming
them in front of us on the table) " loo'ed at ibello and saw him pulling a sandwi!h wrapped in wa(
paper out of his !oat po!'et) BDidn*t you bring your lun!hK* he said) " told him that " thought we
were going to a pla!e that served food) B/o, it*s :ust a !offeehouse,* ibello said as he bit into his
sandwi!h) B%ut that*s all right) The !offee here is very strong) After drin'ing a !up you won*t have
any appetite at all) And you*ll be ready to fa!e all those forms that .rma hauled over to your des') "
thought she was going to drop dead for sure)*
B" don*t drin' !offee,* " said) B"t ma'es me D* " didn*t want to say that !offee made me terribly
nervous, you understand) So " :ust said that it didn*t agree with me)
ibello set down his sandwi!h for a moment and stared at me) BOh dear,* he said, running a hand
over his balding head)
B6hat*s wrongK*
B&at!her didn*t drin' !offee)*
B6ho is &at!herK*
Ta'ing up his sandwi!h on!e again, ibello !ontinued eating while he spo'e) B&at!her was the
employee you were hired to repla!e) That*s the ane!dote " wanted to relate to you in private) About
him) /ow it seems " might be doing more harm than good) " really did want to help you get your
bearings)*
B/evertheless,* " said as " wat!hed ibello finish off his sandwi!h)
ibello wiped his hands together to sha'e free the !rumbs !linging to them) &e ad:usted the
undersiFed eyeglasses whi!h seemed as if they might slip off his fa!e at any moment) Then he too'
out a pa!' of !igarettes) Although he didn*t offer me any of his sandwi!h, he did offer me a
!igarette)
B" don*t smo'e,* " told him)
B>ou should, espe!ially if you don*t drin' !offee) &at!her smo'ed, but his brand of !igarettes was
very mild) " don*t suppose it really matters, your not being a smo'er, sin!e they don*t allow us to
smo'e in the offi!e anymore) 6e re!eived a memo from head;uarters) They said that the smo'e got
into the forms) " don*t 'now why that should ma'e any differen!e)*
B6hat about the pi!'le smellK* " said)
B#or some reason they don*t mind that)*
B6hy don*t you :ust go out into the alley to smo'eK*
BToo mu!h wor' to do) .very minute !ounts) 6e*re shortEhanded as it is) 6e*ve always been shortE
handed, but the wor' still has to get done) They never e(plained to you about the wor'ing hoursK*
" was hesitant to reveal that " had gotten my position not by applying to the !ompany, but through
the influen!e of my do!tor, who is the only do!tor in this twoEstreet town) &e wrote down the
address of the storefront offi!e for me on his pres!ription pad, as if the :ob with Q) Org were
another type of medi!ation he was using to treat me) " was suspi!ious, espe!ially after what
happened with the do!tor who treated us both for so long) His therapy, as you 'now from my
previous !orresponden!e, was to put me on a train that traveled !lear a!ross the !ountry and over
the border) This was supposed to help me over!ome my dread of straying too far from my own
home, and perhaps effe!t a brea'through with all the other fears a!!ompanying my nervous
!ondition) " told him that " !ouldn*t possibly endure su!h a venture, but he only repeated his
ridi!ulous ma(im that nothing in the world is unendurable) To ma'e things worse, he wouldn*t
allow me to bring along any medi!ation, although of !ourse " did) %ut this didn*t help me in the
least, not when " was traveling through the mountains with only bottomless gorges on either side of
the train tra!'s and an infinite s'y above) "n those moments, whi!h were eternal " assure you, " had
no lo!ation in the universe, nothing to grasp for that minimum of se!urity whi!h every !reature
needs merely to e(ist without suffering from the sensation that everything is spinning ever faster on
a !osmi! !arousel with only endless bla!'ness at the edge of that wheeling ride) " 'now that your
!ondition differs from mine, and therefore you have no means by whi!h to fully !omprehend my
ordeals, :ust as " !annot fully !omprehend yours) %ut " do a!'nowledge that both our !onditions are
unendurable, despite the do!tor*s se!ondEhand platitude that nothing in this world is unendurable)
"*ve even !ome to believe that the world itself, by its very nature, is unendurable) "t*s only our
responses to this fa!t that deviateJ mine being predominantly a response of passive terror
approa!hing absolute pani!C yours being predominantly a response of gruesome obsessions that you
fear you might a!t upon) 6hen the train that the do!tor put me on finally made its first stop outside
of this twoEstreet town a!ross the border, " swore that " would 'ill myself rather than ma'e the
return trip) #ortunately, or so it seemed at the time, " soon found a do!tor who treated my state of
severe disorientation and a!ute pani!) &e also assisted me in attaining a visa and wor'ing papers)
Thus, after !onsidering the matter, " ultimately told ibello that my referen!e for the position in the
storefront offi!e had in fa!t !ome from my do!tor)
BThat e(plains it, then,* he said)
B.(plains whatK*
BAll do!tors wor' for the Quine OrganiFation) Sooner or later he would have brought you in) That*s
how &at!her was brought in) %ut he !ouldn*t persevere) &e !ouldn*t ta'e the fa!t that we were
shortEhanded and that we would always be shortEhanded) And when he found out about the
indefinite hours ) ) ) well, he e(ploded right in the offi!e)*
B&e had a brea'downK* " said)
B" suppose you !ould !all it that) One day he :ust :umped up from his des' and started ranting about
how we were always shortEhanded ) ) ) and the indefinite hours) Then he be!ame violent, turning
over several of the empty des's in the offi!e and shouting, R6e won*t be needing these)S &e also
pulled out some file drawers, throwing their !ontents all over the pla!e) #inally he started tearing up
the forms, ones that hadn*t yet been pro!essed) That*s when Pilsen intervened)*
B6hi!h one is heK*
BThe large man with the musta!he who sits at the ba!' of the offi!e) Pilsen grabbed &at!her and
tossed him into the street) That was it for &at!her) 6ithin a few days he was offi!ially dismissed
from the !ompany) " pro!essed the form myself) There was no going ba!' for him) &e was
!ompletely ruined,* said ibello as he too' a sip of !offee and then lit another !igarette)
B" don*t understand) &ow was he ruinedK* " said)
B"t didn*t happen all at on!e,* e(plained ibello) BThese things never do) " told you that &at!her was
a !igarette smo'er) +ery mild !igarettes that he spe!ialEordered) 6ell, one day he went to the store
where he pur!hased his !igarettes and was told that the parti!ular brand he used, whi!h was the only
brand he !ould tolerate, was no longer available)*
B/ot e(a!tly the end of the world,* " said)
B/o, not in itself,* said ibello) B%ut that was :ust the beginning) The same thing that happened with
his !igarettes was repeated when he tried to a!;uire !ertain foods he needed for his spe!ial diet)
Those were also no longer available) 6orst of all, none of his medi!ations were in sto!' anywhere
in town, or so he was told) &at!her re;uired a whole shelf of pharma!euti!als to 'eep him going, far
more than anyone else "*ve ever 'nown) Most important to him were the medi!ations he too' to
!ontrol his phobias) &e espe!ially suffered from a severe !ase of ara!hnophobia) " remember one
day in the offi!e when he noti!ed a spider ma'ing its way a!ross the !eiling) &e was always on the
loo'out for even the tiniest of spiders) &e pra!ti!ally be!ame hysteri!al, insisting that one of us
e(terminate the spider or he would stop pro!essing forms) &e had us !rawling around on top of the
filing !abinets trying to get at the little !reature) After Pilsen finally !aught the thing and 'illed it,
&at!her demanded to see its dead body and to have it thrown out into the street) 6e even had to !all
in e(terminators, at the !ompany*s e(pense, before &at!her would return to wor') %ut after he was
dismissed from the !ompany, &at!her was unable to pro!ure any of the old medi!ations that had
allowed him to 'eep his phobias relatively in !he!') Of !ourse the do!tor was no help to him, sin!e
all do!tors are also employees of Q) Org)*
B6hat about do!tors on the other side of the borderK* " said) BDo they also wor' for the !ompanyK*
B"*m not sure,* said ibello) B"t !ould be) "n any !ase, " saw &at!her while " was on my way to the
offi!e one day) " as'ed him how he was getting along, even though he was obviously a !omplete
wre!', almost totally ruined) &e did say that he was re!eiving some 'ind of treatment for his
phobias from an old woman who lived at the edge of town) &e didn*t spe!ify the nature of this
treatment, and sin!e " was in a hurry to get to the offi!e " didn*t in;uire about it) Later " heard that
the old woman, who was 'nown to ma'e !on!o!tions out of various herbs and plants, was treating
&at!her*s ara!hnophobia with a medi!ine of sorts whi!h she distilled from spider venom)*
BA homeopathi! remedy of sorts,* " said)
BPerhaps,* said ibello in a distant tone of voi!e)
At this point the unshaven man !ame over to the table and told us that he was !losing for the day)
Sin!e ibello had invited me to lun!h, su!h as it was, " assumed that he would pay for the !offee,
espe!ially sin!e " hadn*t ta'en a sip of mine) %ut " noted that he put down on the table only enough
money for himself, and so " was for!ed to do the same) Then, :ust before we turned to leave, he
rea!hed for my untou!hed !up and ;ui!'ly gulped down its !ontents) B/o sense in it going to
waste,* he said)
6al'ing ba!' to the offi!e through the narrow, fogEstrewn alley, " prompted ibello for whatever
else he !ould tell me about the man whose position in the storefront offi!e " had been hired to fill)
&is response, however, was less than enlightening and seemed to wander into realms of hearsay and
rumor) ibello himself never saw &at!her again after their meeting in the street) "n fa!t, it was
around this time that &at!her seemed to disappear entirely D the !ulmination, in ibello*s view, of
the man*s ruin) Afterward a number of stories !ir!ulated around town that seemed relevant to
&at!her*s !ase, however biFarre they may have been) /o doubt others aside from ibello were
aware of the treatments &at!her had been ta'ing from the old woman living on the edge of town)
This seemed to provide the basis for the strange ane!dotes whi!h were being spread about, most of
them originating among !hildren and given little !reden!e by the average !itiFen) Prevalent among
these ane!dotes were sightings of a Bspider thing* about the siFe of a !at) This fabulous !reature was
purportedly seen by numerous !hildren as they played in the streets and ba!' alleys of the town)
They !alled it the Bnobby monster,* the sour!e of this !hildish phrase being that, added to the
!reature*s resemblan!e to a monstrous spider, it also displayed a 'nobEli'e protrusion from its body
that loo'ed very mu!h li'e a human head) This aspe!t of the story was !onfirmed by a few older
persons whose testimony was invariably dismissed as the produ!t of the medi!ations that had been
pres!ribed for them, even though pra!ti!ally everyone in town !ould be dis!redited for the same
reason, sin!e they were all D that is, .e were all D ta'ing one 'ind of drug or another in order to
'eep fun!tioning in a normal manner) There !ame a time, however, when sightings of the soE!alled
nobby monster !eased altogether, both among !hildren and older, heavily medi!ated persons) /or
was &at!her ever again seen around town)
B&e :ust abandoned his apartment, ta'ing nothing with him,* said ibello :ust as we rea!hed the
alley door of the offi!e) B" believe he lived somewhere near you, perhaps even in the same building)
" hear that the woman who ran the apartment house wasn*t put out at all by &at!her*s
disappearan!e, sin!e he was always demanding that she a!!ommodate his phobias by bringing in
e(terminators at least on!e a wee')*
" held the door open for ibello but he didn*t ta'e a step toward the building) BOh no,* he said) BMy
wor'*s done for the day) "*m going home to get some sleep) 6e have to rest sometime if we*re to
pro!ess the !ompany*s forms at an effi!ient pa!e) %ut "*ll be seeing you soon)*
After a few moments ibello !ould no longer be seen at all through the fog) " went ba!' inside the
offi!e, my mind fi(ed on only one thingJ the items of food stashed within my brief!ase) %ut " wasn*t
two steps inside when " was !ornered by Pilsen near the lavatory) B6hat did ibello say to youK* he
said) B"t was about the &at!her business, wasn*t itK*
B6e :ust went out for a !up of !offee,* " said, for some reason !on!erned to 'eep ibello*s
!onfiden!e)
B%ut you didn*t bring your lun!h) >ou*ve been wor'ing all day, and you haven*t had anything to eat)
"t*s pra!ti!ally dar' now, your first day on the :ob) And ibello doesn*t ma'e sure you ta'e your
lun!hK*
B&ow do you 'now we didn*t go somewhere to eatK*
Bibello only goes to that one pla!e,* Pilsen said) BAnd it doesn*t serve food)*
B6ell, " admit it) 6e went to the pla!e that doesn*t serve food, and now "*m famished) So if " !ould
:ust return to my des' ) ) )*
%ut Pilsen, a large man with a large musta!he, grabbed the !ollar of my !oat and pulled me ba!'
toward the lavatory)
B6hat did ibello say about the &at!her businessK*
B6hy don*t you as' himK*
B%e!ause he*s a !ongenital liar) "t*s a si!'ness with him D one of many) >ou see how he dresses, how
he loo's) &e*s a lunati!, even if he is a very good wor'er) %ut whatever he told you about &at!her is
!ompletely false)*
BSome of it did sound farEfet!hed,* " said, now !aught between the !onfiden!es of ibello, who may
have been no more than a !ongenital liar, and Pilsen, who was a large man and probably someone "
didn*t want to offend)
B#arEfet!hed is right,* said Pilsen) BThe fa!t is that &at!her was promoted to wor' in one of the
!ompany*s regional !enters) &e may even have moved on to !ompany head;uarters by now) &e was
very ambitious)*
BThen there*s nothing to say) " appre!iate your straightening me out !on!erning this &at!her
business) /ow, if you don*t mind, "*d li'e to go ba!' to my des') "*m really very hungry)*
Pilsen didn*t say another word, but he wat!hed me as " wal'ed to my des') And " felt that he
!ontinued to wat!h me from his pla!e at the ba!' of the offi!e) As " ate the few items of food " 'ept
in my brief!ase, " also made it ;uite !onspi!uous that " was pro!essing forms at the same time, not
lagging behind in my wor') /evertheless, " wasn*t sure that this fero!ious display of form
pro!essing was even ne!essary, as ibello had implied was the !ase, due to the monumental
;uantity of wor' we needed to a!!omplish with a perpetually shortEhanded staff) " wondered if
Pilsen wasn*t right about ibello) Spe!ifi!ally, " wondered if ibello*s assertion that our wor'ing
s!hedule was Bindefinite* had any truth to it) >et several more hours passed and still no one, e(!ept
ibello, had gone home sin!e " arrived at the offi!e early that morning) #inally " heard one of the
three persons sitting behind me stand up from his, or possibly her, des') Moments later, Pilsen
wal'ed past me wearing his !oat) &e was also !arrying a large brief!ase, so " surmised that he was
leaving for the day D it was now evening D when he e(ited the offi!e through the front door) After
waiting a short while, " did the same)
" had wal'ed only a blo!' or so from the storefront offi!e when " saw ibello heading toward me)
&e was now wearing a different set of mismat!hed !lothes) B>ou*re leaving alreadyK* he said when
he stopped in front of me on the sidewal')
B" thought you were going home to get some sleep,* " said)
B" did go home, and " did get some sleep) /ow "*m going ba!' to wor')*
B" tal'ed to Pilsen, or rather he tal'ed to me)*
B" see,* said ibello) B" see very well) And " suppose he as'ed what " might have said about
&at!her)*
B"n fa!t he did,* " said)
B&e told you that everything " said was :ust nonsense, that " was some 'ind of !onfirmed mal!ontent
who made up stories that showed the !ompany in a bad light)*
BSomething along those lines,* " said)
BThat*s :ust what he would say)*
B6hy is thatK*
B%e!ause he*s a !ompany spy) &e doesn*t want you hearing what*s what on your first day) Most of
all he doesn*t want you to hear about &at!her) &e was the one who informed on &at!her and started
the whole thing) &e was the one who ruined &at!her) That old woman " told you about who lives on
the edge of townJ she wor's for the !ompany*s !hemi!al division, and Pilsen 'eeps an eye on her
too) " heard from someone who wor's at one of the regional !enters that the old woman was
assigned to one of the !ompany*s biggest pro:e!ts D a line of drugs that would treat very spe!ifi!
disorders, su!h as &at!her*s ara!hnophobia) "t would have made Q) Org twi!e the !ompany it is
today, and on both sides of the border) %ut there was a problem)*
B" don*t thin' " want to hear any more)*
B>ou should hear this) The old woman was almost ta'en off the !ompany payroll be!ause she was
using more than :ust her esoteri! 'nowledge of herbs and plants) The !hemi!al engineers at
!ompany head;uarters gave her detailed instru!tions to !ome up with variations on their basi!
formula) %ut she was moving in another dire!tion entirely and following !ompletely unsan!tioned
pra!ti!es, primarily those of an o!!ult nature)*
B>ou said she was almost ta'en off the !ompany payroll)*
BThat*s right) They blamed her for &at!her*s disappearan!e) &at!her was very important to them as
an e(perimental sub:e!t) .verything was set up to ma'e him a guinea pig D denying him his usual
brand of !igarettes, ta'ing him off his spe!ial diet and his medi!ations) They went to a great deal of
trouble) &at!her was being !leansed for what the old woman, along with the !ompany*s !hemi!al
engineers, intended to put into him) The spider venom made some 'ind of sense) %ut, as " said, the
old woman was also following pra!ti!es that weren*t san!tioned by the !ompany) And they needed
someone to blame for &at!her*s disappearan!e) That*s why she was almost ta'en off the payroll)*
BSo &at!her was an e(periment,* " said)
BThat*s what happens when you e(plode the way he did, ranting about the unending wor'load we
were e(pe!ted to handle and how the !ompany always left us shortEhanded) The ;uestion remains,
however) 6as the &at!her e(periment a su!!ess or a failureK*
ibello then loo'ed at his wristwat!h and said that we would tal' further about &at!her, the Quine
OrganiFation, and a host of other matters he wanted to share with me) B" was so glad to see you wal'
into the offi!e this morning) 6e have so many forms to pro!ess) So "*ll be seeing you in, what, a
few hours or soK* 6ithout waiting for my response, ibello rushed down the sidewal' toward the
storefront offi!e)
6hen " rea!hed the door to my oneEroom apartment, everything within me was s!reaming out for
sleep and medi!ation) %ut " paused when " heard footsteps moving toward me from the end of the
dim hallway) "t was the woman who operated the apartment house, and she was !arrying in her arms
what loo'ed li'e a bundle of dirty linen)
BCobwebs,* she said without my as'ing her) She turned and pointed her head ba!' toward a set of
stairs down the hallway, the 'ind of pullEdown steps that lead up to an atti!) B6e do 'eep our houses
!lean here, no matter what some people from a!ross the border may thin') "t*s ;uite a :ob but at
least "*ve made a start)*
" !ouldn*t help but stare in silen!e at the in!redible wadding of !obwebs the woman bore in her
arms as she began to ma'e her way downstairs) Some vague thoughts o!!urred to me, and " !alled
to the woman) B"f you*re finished for the time being " !an put up those stairs to the atti!)*
BThat*s good of you, than's,* she shouted up the stairwell) B"*ll bring in the e(terminator soon, :ust
as you as'ed) " don*t 'now e(a!tly what*s up there but "*m sure it*s more than " !an deal with
myself)*
" understood what she meant only after " as!ended into the atti! and saw for myself what she had
seen) At the top of the stairs there was only a single lightbulb whi!h didn*t begin to illuminate those
vast and shadowed spa!es) 6hat " did see were the dead bodies, or parts of bodies, of more than a
few rats) Some of these !reatures loo'ed as if they had es!aped from :ust the sort of thi!', heaping
!obwebs whi!h " had seen the woman who ran the apartment house !arrying in her arms) They
!lung to the bodies of the rodents :ust as the dense, gray fog !lung to everything in this town)
#urthermore, all of these bodies seemed to be in a state of deformity ) ) ) or perhaps transition) 6hen
" loo'ed !losely at them " !ould see that, in addition to the four legs normally allowed them by
nature, there were also four other legs that had begun sprouting from their undersides) 6hatever
had 'illed these vermin had also begun to !hange them)
%ut not all of the affe!ted rodents had died or been partially eaten) Later investigations " made into
the atti!, on!e " had persuaded the woman who ran the apartment house to defer !alling in the
e(terminator, revealed rats and other vermin with physi!al !hanges even more advan!ed) These
!hanges e(plained the indefinable noises " had heard sin!e moving into my oneEroom apartment :ust
beneath the roof of the building, with the atti! between)
Some of the things " saw had eight legs of e;ual length and were able to negotiate the walls of the
atti! and even !rawl a!ross the slanted !eiling :ust under the roof) Others had even begun ma'ing
webs of their own) " thin' you would have re!ogniFed mu!h of this, my friend, as something out of
your own gruesome obsessions) #ortunately my own fears did not in!lude ara!hnophobia, as was
the !ase with &at!her) H/onetheless, " did ingest heavy doses of my medi!ation before pro!eeding
into the atti!)I 6hen " finally lo!ated him in the most remote !orner of the atti! " saw the 'nobEli'e
head of a human being protruding from the pale, puffy body of a giant spider, or spiderEthing) &e
was in the a!t of in:e!ting his own venom into another verminous !itiFen of the atti!) As soon as his
pinEpoint eyes noti!ed mine he released the !reature, whi!h s;uea'ed away to begin its own
transformation)
" !ouldn*t imagine that &at!her desired to !ontinue his e(isten!e in that state) As " approa!hed him
he made no move of either aggression or flight) And when " too' out the !arving 'nife " had brought
with me it seemed that he lifted his head and showed me his tiny throat) &e had made his de!ision,
:ust as " had made mineJ " never returned to the storefront offi!e to pro!ess forms for the Quine
OrganiFation, in whose employ are all the do!tors on this side of the border ) ) ) and perhaps also on
your side) "t is now my !onvi!tion that our own do!tor has long been wor'ing for this !ompany) At
the very least " blame him for my e(ile to this remote, twoEstreet town of fog and nightmares) At
worst, " thin' it was his intention to deliver me a!ross the border to be!ome another slave or
e(perimental sub:e!t for the !ompany he serves)
" prepared two vials of the venom " e(tra!ted from &at!her*s body) The first "*ve already used on
the do!tor who has been treating me on this side of the border, even if the !ulmination of that
treatment was to be imprisoned in a storefront offi!e pro!essing folders for an indefinite number of
hours lasting the remainder of my indefinite e(isten!e) "*m still wat!hing him suffer his painful
mutations while " help myself to all the medi!ations " please from the !abinets in his offi!e) %efore
morning !omes "*ll put him out of his misery, and his medi!ations will put me out of mine)
The se!ond vial " offer to you, my friend) #or so long you have suffered from su!h gruesome
obsessions whi!h our do!tor did not, or would not, alleviate) Do with this medi!ine what you must)
Do with it what your obsessions di!tate) >ou might even !onsider, at :ust the right moment, giving
the do!tor my greetings ) ) ) and reminding him that nothing in this world is unendurable D nothing)
O8 T.MPOA> S8P.+"SO
"have sent this manus!ript to your publi!ation a!ross the border, assuming that it ever arrives there,
be!ause " believe that the matters des!ribed in this personal ane!dote have impli!ations that should
!on!ern even those outside my homeland and beyond the influen!e, as far as " 'now, of the Quine
OrganiFation) These two entities, one of whi!h may be designated a politi!al entity and the other
being a purely !ommer!ial entity, are very li'ely 'nown to someone in your position of :ournalisti!
in;uiry as all but synonymous) Therefore, on this side of the border one might as well !all himself a
citizen of the Quine OrganiFation, or a Q) Org national, although " thin' that even someone li'e
yourself !annot appre!iate the full e(tent of this identity, whi!h in my own lifetime has passed the
point of identifi!ation between two separate entities and approa!hed total assimilation of one by the
other) Su!h a !laim may seem alarmist or whimsi!al to those on your side of the border, where your
!losest neighbors D " 'now this D are often !onsidered as a somewhat ba!'ward fol' who inhabit
small, de!aying towns spread out a!ross a lowElying lands!ape blan'eted almost year round by
dense grayish fogs) This is how the Quine OrganiFation, whi!h is to say in the same breath my
homeland, would de!eptively present itself to the world, and this is pre!isely why " am an(ious Hfor
reasons that are not always e(pli!it or pun!tiliously detailedI to relate my personal ane!dote)
To begin with, " wor' in a fa!tory situated :ust outside one of those small, de!aying towns layered
over with fogs for most of the year) The building is a nondes!ript, oneEstory stru!ture made entirely
of !inder blo!'s and !ement) "nside is a wor'ing area that !onsists of a single room of floor spa!e
and a small !orner offi!e with windows of heavily frosted glass) 6ithin the !onfines of this offi!e
are a few filing !abinets and a des' where the fa!tory supervisor sits while the wor'ers outside
stand at one of several s;uare Bassembly blo!'s)* #our wor'ers are positioned, one on ea!h side of
the s;uare blo!'s, their only tas' being the assembly, by hand, of pie!es of metal whi!h are
delivered to us from another fa!tory) /o one whom " have ever as'ed has the least notion of the
larger ma!hinery, if in fa!t it is some type of ma!hinery, for whi!h these pie!es are destined)
6hen " first too' this :ob at the fa!tory it was not my intention to wor' there very long, for " on!e
possessed higher hopes for my life, although the e(a!t nature of these hopes remained rather vague
in my youthful mind) 6hile the wor' was not arduous, and my fellow wor'ers !ongenial enough, "
did not imagine myself standing forever at my designated assembly blo!', fitting together pie!es of
metal into other pie!es of metal, with a few interruptions throughout the day for brea's that were
supposed to refresh our minds from the tedium of our wor' or for meal brea's to allow us to
nourish our bodies) Somehow it never o!!urred to me that the nearby town where " and the others at
the fa!tory lived, traveling to and from our :obs along the same fogEstrewn road, held no higher
opportunities for me or anyone else, whi!h no doubt a!!ounts for the vagueness, the wispy
insubstantiality, of my youthful hopes)
As it happened, " had been employed at the fa!tory only a few months when there o!!urred the only
!hange that had ever disturbed its daily routine of pie!eEassembly, the only deviation from a ritual
whi!h had been going on for nobody 'new how many years) The meaning of this digression in our
wor'ing lives did not at first present any great !ause for apprehension or an(iety, nothing that
would re;uire any of the fa!tory*s employees to re!onsider the type or dosage of the medi!ation
whi!h they were pres!ribed, sin!e almost everyone on this side of the border, in!luding myself,
ta'es some 'ind of medi!ation, a fa!t that is perhaps due in some part to an arrangement in my
!ountry whereby all do!tors and pharma!ists are on the payroll of the Quine OrganiFation, a
!ompany whi!h maintains a large !hemi!al division)
"n any !ase, the !hange of routine to whi!h " have alluded was announ!ed to us one day when the
fa!tory supervisor stepped out of his offi!e and made one of his rare appearan!es on the floor where
the rest of us stood positioned, in rather !lose ;uarters, around our designated assembly blo!'s) #or
the first time sin!e " had ta'en this :ob, our wor' was !alled to a halt 'et.een those moments of
pause when we too' brea's for either mental refreshment or to nourish our bodies) Our supervisor, a
Mr #rowley, was a massive individual, though not mena!ingly so, who moved and spo'e with a
lethargy that perhaps was merely a !onse;uen!e of his bodily bul', although his sluggishness might
also have been !aused by his medi!ation, either as a side effe!t or possibly as the primary effe!t) Mr
#rowley laboriously made his way to the !entral area of the fa!tory floor and addressed us in his
slowEmannered way)
B"*m being !alled away on !ompany business,* he informed us) B"n my absen!e a new supervisor
will be sent to ta'e over my duties on a temporary basis) This situation will be in pla!e tomorrow
when you !ome to wor') " !an*t say how long it will last)*
&e then as'ed if any of us had ;uestions for him regarding what was ;uite a momentous o!!asion,
even though at the time " hadn*t been wor'ing at the fa!tory long enough to !omprehend its truly
anomalous nature) /o one had any ;uestions for Mr #rowley, or none that they voi!ed, and the
fa!tory supervisor then pro!eeded ba!' to his small !orner offi!e with its windows of heavily
frosted glass)
"mmediately following Mr #rowley*s announ!ement that he was being !alled away on !ompany
business and that in the interim the fa!tory would be managed by a temporary supervisor, there
were of !ourse a few murmurings among my fellow wor'ers about what all of this might mean)
/othing of this sort had ever happened at the fa!tory, a!!ording to the employees who had wor'ed
there for any substantial length of time, in!luding a few who were approa!hing an age when, "
presumed, they would be able to leave their :obs behind them and enter a period of wellEearned
retirement after spending their entire adult lives standing at the same assembly blo!'s and fitting
together pie!es of metal) %y the end of the day, however, these murmurings had long died out as we
filed out of the fa!tory and began ma'ing our way along the foggy road ba!' to our homes in town)
That night, for no reason " !ould name, " was unable to fall asleep, something whi!h previously "
had had no trouble doing after being on my feet all day assembling pie!es of metal in the same
!onfiguration one after the other) This a!tivity of assemblage now burdened my mind, as " tossed
about in my bed, with the full weight of its repetitiousness, its endlessness, and its dis!onne!tion
from any purpose " !ould imagine) #or the first time " wondered how those metal pie!es that we
assembled had !ome to be !reated, my thoughts futilely attempting to pursue them to their origins in
the !rudest form of substan!e whi!h, " assumed, had been removed from the earth and undergone
some pro!ess of refinement, then ta'en shape in some fa!tory, or series of fa!tories, before they
arrived at the one where " was presently employed) 6ith an even greater sense of futility " tried to
imagine where these metal pie!es were delivered on!e we had fitted them together as we had been
trained to do, my mind ra!ing in the dar'ness of my room to !on!eive of their ultimate destination
and purpose) 8ntil that night " had never been disturbed by ;uestions of this 'ind) There was no
point in o!!upying myself with su!h things, sin!e " had always possessed higher hopes for my life
beyond the time " needed to serve at the fa!tory in order to support myself) #inally " got out of bed
and too' an e(tra dose of medi!ation) This allowed me at least a few hours of sleep before " was
re;uired to be at my :ob)
6hen we entered the fa!tory ea!h morning, it was normal pro!edure for the first man who passed
through the door to swit!h on the !oneEshaped lamps whi!h hung down on long rods from the
!eiling) Another set of lights was lo!ated inside the supervisor*s offi!e, and Mr #rowley would
swit!h those on himself when he !ame into wor' around the same time as the rest of us) That
morning, however, no lights were on within the supervisor*s offi!e) Sin!e this was the first day that
a new supervisor was s!heduled to assume Mr #rowley*s duties, if only on a temporary basis, we
naturally assumed that, for some reason, this person was not yet present in the fa!tory) %ut when
daylight shone through the fog beyond the narrow re!tangular windows of the fa!tory, whi!h
in!luded the windows of the supervisor*s offi!e, we now began to suspe!t that the new supervisor D
that is, our temporary supervisor D had been inside his offi!e all along) " use the word Bsuspe!t*
be!ause it simply was not possible to tell D in the absen!e of the offi!e lights being swit!hed on,
with only natural daylight shining into the windows through the fog D whether or not there was
someone on the other side of the heavily frosted glass that en!losed the supervisor*s offi!e) "f the
new supervisor that the Quine OrganiFation had sent to fill in temporarily for Mr #rowley had in
fa!t ta'en up residen!e in the offi!e situated in a !orner of the fa!tory, he was not moving about in
any way that would allow us to distinguish his form among the blur of shapes whi!h !ould be
dete!ted through the heavily frosted glass of that room)
.ven if no one said anything that spe!ifi!ally referred either to the new supervisor*s presen!e or
absen!e within the fa!tory, " saw that nearly everyone standing around their assembly blo!'s had
!ast a glan!e at some point during the early hours of the day in the dire!tion of Mr #rowley*s offi!e)
The assembly blo!' that served as my station was lo!ated !loser than most to the supervisor*s
offi!e, and we who were positioned there would seem to have been able to dis!ern if someone was
in fa!t inside) %ut those of us standing around the assembly blo!' to whi!h " was assigned, as well
as others at blo!'s even !loser to the supervisor*s offi!e, only e(!hanged furtive loo's among
ourselves, as if we were as'ing one another, B6hat do you thin'K* %ut no one !ould say anything
with !ertainty, or nothing that we !ould e(press in sensible terms)
/evertheless, all of us behaved as if that !orner offi!e were indeed o!!upied and !ondu!ted
ourselves in the manner of employees whose a!tions were sub:e!t to profound s!rutiny and the
!losest supervision) As the hours passed it be!ame more and more apparent that the supervisor*s
offi!e was being inhabited, although the nature of its new resident had be!ome a matter for
;uestion) During the first brea' of the day there were words spo'en among some of us to the effe!t
that the figure behind the heavily frosted glass !ould not be seen to have a definite shape or to
possess any 'ind of stable or solid form) Several of my fellow wor'ers mentioned a dar' ripple they
had spied several times moving behind or within the uneven surfa!e of the glass whi!h en!losed the
supervisor*s offi!e) %ut whenever their eyes !ame to fo!us on this rippling movement, they said, it
would suddenly !ome to a stop or simply disperse li'e a pat!h of fog) %y the time we too' our meal
brea' there were more observations shared, many of them in agreement about sighting a slowly
shifting outline, some dar'ish and globulant form li'e a thunderhead !hurning in a dar'ened s'y) To
some it appeared to have no more substan!e than a shadow, and perhaps that*s all it was, they
argued, although they had to !on!ede that this shadow was unli'e any other they had seen, for at
times it moved in a seemingly purposeful way, tra!ing the same path over and over behind the
frosted glass, as if it were a type of !reature pa!ing about in a !age) Others swore they !ould dis!ern
a bodily !onfiguration, however elusive and aberrant) They spo'e only in terms of its Bhead part* or
BarmEprotrusions,* although even these more !onventional des!riptions were ;ualified by
admissions that su!h ;uasiEanatomi!al !omponents did not manifest themselves in any normal
aspe!t inside the offi!e) B"t doesn*t seem to be sitting behind the des',* one man asserted, Bbut loo's
more li'e it*s sti!'ing up from the top, sort of sideways too)* This was something that " too had
noted as " stood at my assembly blo!', as had the men who wor'ed to the left and right of me) %ut
the employee who stood dire!tly a!ross the blo!' from where " was positioned, whose name was
%le!her and who was younger than most of the others at the fa!tory and perhaps no more than a few
years older than " was, never spo'e a single word about anything he might have seen in the
supervisor*s offi!e) Moreover, he wor'ed throughout that day with his eyes fi(ed upon his tas' of
fitting together pie!es of metal, his gaFe lo!'ed at a downward angle, even when he moved away
from the assembly blo!' for brea's or to use the lavatory) /ot on!e did " !at!h him glan!ing in the
dire!tion of that !orner of the fa!tory whi!h the rest of us, as the hours dragged by, !ould barely
'eep our eyes from) Then, toward the end of the wor' day, when the atmosphere around the fa!tory
had been made weighty by our spo'en words and unspo'en thoughts, when the sense of an
un'nown mode of supervision hung ominously about us, as well as within us Hsu!h that " felt some
inner sha!'les had been applied that 'ept both my body and my mind from straying far from the
position " o!!upied at that assembly blo!'I, %le!her finally bro'e down)
B/o more,* he said as if spea'ing only to himself) Then he repeated these words in a louder voi!e
and with a vehemen!e that suggested something of what he had been holding within himself
throughout the day) B/o moreL* he shouted as he moved away from the assembly blo!' and turned
to loo' straight at the door of the supervisor*s offi!e, whi!h, li'e the offi!e windows, was a frame of
heavily frosted glass)
%le!her moved swiftly to the door of the offi!e) 6ithout pausing for a moment, not even to 'no!'
or in any way announ!e his entran!e, he stormed inside the !ubeEshaped room and slammed the
door behind him) All eyes in the fa!tory were now fi(ed on the offi!e in the !orner) 6hile we had
suffered so many !onfusions and !onfli!ts over the physi!al definition of the temporary supervisor,
we had no trouble at all seeing the dar' outline of %le!her behind the heavily frosted glass and
!ould easily follow his movements) Afterward, everything happened very rapidly, and the rest of us
stood as if stri!'en with the 'ind of paralysis one sometimes e(perien!es in a dream)
At first %le!her stood rigid before the des' inside the offi!e, but this posture lasted only for a
moment) Soon he was rushing about the room as if in flight from some pursuing agen!y, !rashing
into the filing !abinets and finally falling to the floor) 6hen he stood up again he appeared to be
fending off a swarm of inse!ts, waving his arms wildly to forestall the onslaught of a !loudy and
shifting mass that hovered about him li'e a trembling aura) Then his body slammed hard against the
frosted glass of the door, and " thought he was going to brea' through) %ut he s!rambled full about
and !ame stumbling out of the offi!e, pausing a se!ond to stare at the rest of us, who were staring
ba!' at him) There was a loo' of derangement and in!omprehension in his eyes, while his hands
were sha'ing)
The door behind %le!her was left half open after his furious e(it, but no one attempted to loo'
inside the offi!e) &e seemed unable to move away from the pla!e where he stood with the halfEopen
offi!e door only a few feet behind him) Then the door finally began to !lose slowly behind him,
although no visible for!e appeared to be !ausing it to do so, however deliberately it moved on its
hinges) A little !li!' sounded when the door pushed ba!' into its frame) %ut it was the sound of the
lo!' being turned on the other side of the door that stirred %le!her from his froFen stan!e, and he
went running out of the fa!tory) Only se!onds later the bell signaling the !lose of the wor' day rang
with all the shrillness of an alarm, even though it was not ;uite time for us to leave our assembly
blo!'s behind us)
Startled ba!' into a fully wa'ened state, we e(ited the fa!tory as a !onsolidated group, pro!eeding
with a measured pa!e, unspea'ing, until we had all filed out of the building) Outside there was no
sign of %le!her, although " don*t thin' that anyone e(pe!ted to see him) "n any !ase, the grayish fog
was espe!ially dense along the road leading ba!' to town, and we !ould hardly see one another as
we made our way home, none of us saying a word about what had happened, as if we were bound
by a pa!t of silen!e) Any mention of the %le!her in!ident would have made it impossible, at least to
my mind, to go ba!' to the fa!tory) And there was no other pla!e we !ould turn to for our living)
That evening " went to bed early, ta'ing a substantial dose of medi!ation to insure that " would drop
right off to sleep and not spend hour upon hour with my mind ra!ing, as it had been the previous
night, with thoughts about the origins Hsomewhere in the earthI and subse;uent destination Hat some
other fa!tory or series of fa!toriesI of the metal pie!es " spent my days assembling) " awo'e earlier
than usual, but rather than lingering about my room, where " was li'ely to start thin'ing about the
events of the day before, " went to a small diner in town whi!h " 'new would be open for brea'fast
at that time of the morning)
6hen " stepped inside the diner " saw that it was unusually !rowded, the tables and booths and
stools at the !ounter o!!upied for the most part by my fellow wor'ers from the fa!tory) #or on!e "
was glad to see these men whom " had previously !onsidered Blifers* in a :ob whi!h " never intended
to wor' at for very long, !onsidering that " still possessed higher hopes of a vague sort for my
future) " greeted a number of the others as " wal'ed toward an uno!!upied stool at the !ounter, but
no one returned more than a nod to me, nor were they mu!h engaged in tal'ing with one another)
After ta'ing a seat at the !ounter and ordering brea'fast, " re!ogniFed the man on my right as
someone who wor'ed at the assembly blo!' beside the one where " was positioned day after day) "
was fairly sure that his name was /ohls, although " didn*t use his name and simply said B$ood
morning* to him in the ;uietest voi!e " !ould manage) #or a moment /ohls didn*t reply but simply
!ontinued to stare into the plate in front of him from whi!h he was slowly and me!hani!ally pi!'ing
up small pie!es of food with his for' and pla!ing them into his mouth) 6ithout turning to fa!e me,
/ohls said, in a voi!e even ;uieter than my own had been, BDid you hear about %le!herK*
B/o,* " whispered) B6hat about himK*
BDead,* said /ohls)
BDeadK* " responded in voi!e that was loud enough to !ause everyone else in the diner to turn and
loo' my way) esuming our !onveration in e(tremely ;uiet tones, " as'ed /ohls what had happened
to %le!her)
BThat rooming house where he lives) The woman who runs the pla!e said that he was a!ting strange
after D after he !ame ba!' from wor' yesterday)*
Later on, /ohls informed me, %le!her didn*t show up for dinner) The woman who operated the
boarding house too' it upon herself to !he!' up on %le!her, who didn*t answer when she 'no!'ed
on his door) Con!erned, she as'ed one of her other male residents to loo' in on Mr %le!her) &e was
found lying fa!e down on his bed, and on the nightstand were several open !ontainers of the various
medi!ations whi!h he was pres!ribed) &e hadn*t !onsumed the entire !ontents of these !ontainers
but had nevertheless died of an overdose of medi!ation) Perhaps he simply wanted to put the events
of the day out of his mind and get a de!ent night*s sleep) " had done this myself, " told /ohls)
BCould be that*s what happened,* /ohls replied) B" don*t suppose that anyone will ever 'now for
sure)*
After finishing my brea'fast, " 'ept drin'ing refill after refill of !offee, as " noti!ed others in the
diner, in!luding /ohls, were doing) 6e still had time before we needed to be at our :obs)
.ventually, however, other patrons began to arrive and, as a group, we left for wor')
6hen we arrived at the fa!tory in the dar'ness and fog some hours before dawn, there were several
other employees standing outside the door) /one of them, it seemed, wanted to be the first to enter
the building and swit!h on the lights) Only after the rest of us approa!hed the fa!tory did anyone go
inside) "t was then we found that someone had pre!eded us into wor' that morning, and had
swit!hed on the lights) &is was a new fa!e to us) &e was standing in %le!her*s old position, dire!tly
opposite mine at the same assembly blo!', and he had already done a !onsiderable amount of wor',
his hands moving furiously as he fitted those small metal pie!es together)
As the rest of us wal'ed onto the floor of the fa!tory to ta'e position at our respe!tive assembly
blo!'s, almost everyone !ast a suspi!ious eye upon the new man who was standing where %le!her
used to stand and who, as " remar'ed, was wor'ing at a furious pa!e) %ut in fa!t it was only his
hands that were wor'ing in a furious manner, manipulating those small pie!es of metal li'e two
large spiders spinning the same web) Otherwise he stood ;uite !almly and was very mu!h a sto!'
figure of the type of person that wor'ed at the fa!tory) &e was attired in regulation gray wor'
!lothes that were well worn and was neither !onspi!uously older nor !onspi!uously younger than
the other employees) The only ;uality that singled him out was the furiousness he displayed in his
wor', to whi!h he gave his full attention) .ven when the fa!tory began to fill with other men in gray
wor' !lothes, almost all of whom !ast a suspi!ious eye on the new man, he never loo'ed up from
the assembly blo!' where he was manipulating those pie!es of metal with su!h intentness, su!h
!omplete absorption, that he gave no noti!e to anyone else around him)
"f the new man seemed an unsettling presen!e, appearing as he did the morning after %le!her had
ta'en an overdose of medi!ation and standing in %le!her*s position dire!tly a!ross from me at the
same assembly blo!', at least he served to distra!t us from the dar'ened offi!e whi!h was inhabited
by our temporary supervisor) 6hereas the day before we were wholly preo!!upied with this
supervisory figure, our attention was now primarily drawn to the new employee among us) And
even though he filled our minds with various spe!ulations and suspi!ions, the new man did not
!ontribute to the atmosphere of nightmarish thoughts and per!eptions that had !aused %le!her to
be!ome entirely deranged and led him to ta'e a!tion in the way he did)
Of !ourse we !ould forbear for :ust so long before someone addressed the new man about his
appearan!e at the fa!tory that day) Sin!e my fellow wor'ers who stood to the right and left of me at
the assembly blo!' were doing their best to ignore the situation, the tas' of probing for some
answers, " felt, had fallen upon me)
B6here are you fromK* " as'ed the man who stood dire!tly a!ross from me where %le!her on!e
stood on his side of the assembly blo!')
BThe !ompany sent me,* the man responded in a surprisingly forth!oming and !asual tone, although
he didn*t for a se!ond loo' up from his wor')
" then introdu!ed myself and the other two men at the assembly blo!', who nodded and mumbled
their greetings to the stranger) That was when " dis!overed the limitations of the new man*s
willingness to reveal himself)
B/o offense,* he said) B%ut there*s a lot of wor' that needs to be done around here)*
During our brief e(!hange the new man had !ontinued to manipulate those pie!es of metal before
him without interruption) &owever, even though he 'ept his head angled downward, as %le!her had
done for most of the previous day, " saw that he did allow his eyes to flash very ;ui!'ly in the
dire!tion of the supervisor*s offi!e) Seeing that, " did not bother him any further, thin'ing that
perhaps he would be more tal'ative during the up!oming brea') "n the meantime " let him !ontinue
his furious pa!e of wor', whi!h was far beyond the measure of produ!tivity anyone else at the
fa!tory had ever attained)
Soon " observed that the men standing to the left and right of me at the assembly blo!' were
attempting to emulate the new man*s style of so deftly fitting together those small metal pie!es and
even to !ompete with the in!redibly produ!tive pa!e at whi!h he wor'ed) " myself followed suit) At
first our efforts were an embarrassment, our own hands fumbling to imitate the movements of his,
whi!h were so swift that our eyes !ould not follow them, nor our minds puFFle out a te!hni;ue of
wor'ing ;uite different from the one we had always pra!ti!ed) /evertheless, in some way un'nown
to us, we began to approa!h, if somewhat remotely, the speed and style of the new man*s method of
fitting together his pie!es of metal) Our efforts and altered manner of wor'ing did not go unnoti!ed
by the employees at the assembly blo!'s nearby) The new te!hni;ue was gradually ta'en up and
passed on to others around the fa!tory) %y the time we stopped for our first brea' of the day,
everyone was employing the new man*s methodology)
%ut we didn*t stop wor'ing for very long) After it be!ame obvious that the new man was not
pausing for a se!ond to :oin us in our s!heduled brea' period, we all returned to our assembly
blo!'s and !ontinued wor'ing as furiously as we !ould) 6e surprised ourselves in the performan!e
of what on!e seemed a dull and simple tas', eventually rising to the level of virtuosity displayed by
a man whose name we did not even 'now) " now loo'ed forward to spea'ing to him about the
!hange he had brought about in the fa!tory, e(pe!ting to do so when the time !ame for our meal
brea') >et the rest of us at the fa!tory never anti!ipated the spe!ta!le that awaited us when that time
finally arrived)
#or, rather than leaving his position at the assembly blo!' during the meal brea' that the !ompany
had always san!tioned, the new man !ontinued to wor', !onsuming his meal with one hand while
still assembling those metal pie!es, although at a somewhat slower pa!e, with the other) This
performan!e introdu!ed the rest of us at the fa!tory to a hitherto un'nown level of virtuosity in the
servi!e of produ!tivity) At first there was some resistan!e to this heightened level of dedi!ation to
our wor' to whi!h the new man, without any ostentation, was leading us) %ut his purpose soon
enough be!ame evident) And it was simple enoughJ those employees who !eased wor'ing entirely
during the meal brea' found themselves on!e again preo!!upied, even tormented, by the troubling
atmosphere that pervaded the fa!tory, the sour!e of whi!h was attributed to the temporary
supervisor who inhabited the offi!e with heavily frosted windows) On the other hand, those
employees who !ontinued wor'ing at their assembly blo!'s seemed relatively unbothered by the
images and influen!es whi!h, although there was no !onsensus as to their e(a!t nature, had plagued
everyone the day before) Thus, it wasn*t long before all of us learned to !onsume our meals with
one hand while !ontinuing to wor' with the other) "t goes without saying that when the time !ame
for our last brea' of the day, no one budged an in!h from his assembly blo!')
"t was only when the bell rang to signal the end of the wor' day, sounding several hours later than
we were a!!ustomed to hearing it, that " had a !han!e to spea' with the new employee) On!e we
were outside the fa!tory, and everyone was pro!eeding in a state of silent e(haustion ba!' to town, "
made a point of !at!hing up to him as he strode at a ;ui!' pa!e through the dense, grayish fog) "
didn*t min!e words) B6hat*s going onK* " demanded to 'now)
8ne(pe!tedly he stopped dead in his tra!'s and fa!ed me, although we !ould barely see ea!h other
through the fog) Then " saw his head turn slightly in the dire!tion of the fa!tory we had left some
distan!e behind us) BListen, my friend,* he said, his voi!e filled with a grave sin!erity) B"*m not
loo'ing for trouble) " hope you*re not either)*
B6asn*t " wor'ing right along with youK* " said) B6asn*t everyoneK*
B>es) >ou all made a good start)*
BSo " ta'e it you*re wor'ing with the new supervisor)*
B/o,* he said emphati!ally) B" don*t 'now anything about that) " !ouldn*t tell you anything about
that)*
B%ut you*ve wor'ed under similar !onditions before, isn*t that trueK*
B" wor' for the !ompany, :ust li'e you) The !ompany sent me here)*
B%ut something must have !hanged at the !ompany,* " said) BSomething new is happening)*
B/ot really,* he replied) BThe Quine OrganiFation is always ma'ing ad:ustments and refinements in
the way it does business) "t :ust too' some time for it to rea!h you out here) >ou*re a long way from
!ompany head;uarters, or even the !losest regional !enter)*
BThere*s more of this !oming, isn*t thereK*
BPossibly) %ut there really isn*t any point in dis!ussing su!h things) /ot if you want to !ontinue
wor'ing for the !ompany) /ot if you want to stay out of trouble)*
B6hat troubleK*
B" have to go) Please don*t try to dis!uss this matter with me again)*
BAre you saying that you*re going to report meK*
B/o,* he said, his eyes loo'ing ba!' at the fa!tory) BThat*s not ne!essary these days)*
Then he turned and wal'ed off at a ;ui!' pa!e into the fog)
The ne(t morning " returned to the fa!tory along with everyone else) 6e wor'ed at an even faster
rate and were even more produ!tive) Part of this was due to the fa!t that the bell that signaled the
end of the wor' day rang later than it had the day before) This lengthening of the time we spent at
the fa!tory, along with the in!reasingly fast rate at whi!h we wor'ed, be!ame an established pattern)
"t wasn*t long before we were allowed only a few hours away from the fa!tory, only a few hours
that belonged to us, although the only possible way we !ould use this time was to gain the rest we
needed in order to return to the e(hausting labors whi!h the !ompany now demanded of us)
%ut " had always possessed higher hopes for my life, hopes that were be!oming more and more
vague with ea!h passing day) I have to resi!n m+ 0osition at the $actor+) These were the words that
ra!ed through my mind as " tried to gain a few hours of rest before returning to my :ob) " had no
idea what su!h a step might mean, sin!e " had no other prospe!ts for earning a living, and " had no
money saved that would enable me to 'eep my room in the apartment building where " lived) "n
addition, the medi!ations " re;uired, that almost everyone on this side of the border re;uires to
ma'e their e(isten!e at all tolerable, were pres!ribed by do!tors who were all employed by the
Quine OrganiFation and filled by pharma!ists who also operated only at the sufferan!e of this
!ompany) All of that notwithstanding, " still felt that " had no !hoi!e but to resign my position at the
fa!tory)
At the end of the hallway outside my apartment there was a tiny ni!he in whi!h was lo!ated a
telephone for publi! use by the building*s tenants) " would have to ma'e my resignation using this
telephone, sin!e " !ouldn*t imagine doing so in person) " !ouldn*t possibly enter the offi!e of the
temporary supervisor, as %le!her had done) " !ouldn*tgo into that room en!losed by heavily frosted
glass behind whi!h " and my fellow wor'ers had observed something that appeared in various forms
and manifestations, from an indistin!t shape that seemed to shift and !hurn li'e a dar' !loud to
something more defined that appeared to have a Bhead part* and BarmEprotrusions)* $iven this
situation, " would use the telephone to !all the !losest regional !enter and ma'e my resignation to
the appropriate person in !harge of su!h matters)
The telephone ni!he at the end of the hallway outside my apartment was so narrow that " had to
enter it sideways) "n the !onfines of that spa!e there was barely enough room to ma'e the ne!essary
movements of pla!ing !oins in the telephone that hung on the wall and barely enough light to see
what number one was dialing) " remember how !on!erned " was not to dial a wrong number and
thereby lose a portion of what little money " had) After ta'ing every possible pre!aution to insure
that " would su!!essfully !omplete my phone !all, a pro!ess that seemed to ta'e hours, " rea!hed
someone at the !losest regional !enter operated by the !ompany)
The phone rang so many times that " feared no one would ever answer) #inally the ringing stopped
and, after a pause, " heard a barely audible voi!e) "t sounded thin and distant)
BQuine OrganiFation, /orthwest egional Center)*
B>es,* " began) B" would li'e to resign my position at the !ompany,* " said)
B"*m sorry, did you say that you wanted to resign from the !ompanyK >ou sound so far away,* said
the voi!e)
B>es, " want to resign,* " shouted into the mouthpie!e of the telephone) B" want to resign) Can you
hear meK*
B>es, " !an hear you) %ut the !ompany is not a!!epting resignations at this time) "*m going to
transfer you to our temporary supervisor)*
B6ait,* " said, but the transfer had been made and on!e again the phone began ringing so many
times that " feared no one would answer)
Then the ringing stopped, although no voi!e !ame on the line) B&ello,* " said) %ut all " !ould hear
was an indistin!t, though highly reverberant, noise D a low roaring sound that alternately faded and
swelled as if it were e!hoing through vast spa!es deep within the !averns of the earth or a!ross a
!louded s'y) This noise, this low and bestial roaring, affe!ted me with a dread " !ould not name) "
held the telephone re!eiver away from my ear, but the roaring noise !ontinued to sound within my
head) Then " felt the telephone ;uivering in my hand, pulsing li'e something that was alive) And
when " slammed the telephone re!eiver ba!' into its !radle, this ;uivering and pulsing sensation
!ontinued to move up my arm, passing through my body and finally rea!hing my brain where it
be!ame syn!hroniFed with the low roaring noise whi!h was now growing louder and louder,
!onfusing my thoughts into an e!hoing insanity and paralyFing my movements so that " !ould not
even s!ream for help)
" was never sure that " had a!tually made that telephone !all to resign my position at the !ompany)
And if in fa!t " did ma'e su!h a !all, " !ould never be !ertain that what " e(perien!ed D what " heard
and felt in that telephone ni!he at the end of the hallway outside my apartment D in any way
resembled the dreams whi!h re!urred every night after " stopped showing up for wor' at the fa!tory)
/o amount of medi!ation " too' !ould prevent the nightly onset of these dreams, and no amount of
medi!ation !ould effa!e their memory from my mind) Soon enough " had ta'en so mu!h medi!ation
that " didn*t have a suffi!ient amount left to overdose my system, as %le!her had done) And sin!e "
was no longer employed, " !ould not afford to get my pres!ription refilled and thereby a!;uire the
medi!ation " needed to tolerate my e(isten!e) Of !ourse " might have done away with myself in
some other manner, should " have been so in!lined) %ut somehow " still retained higher hopes for
my life) A!!ordingly, " returned to see if " !ould get my :ob ba!' at the fa!tory) After all, hadn*t the
person " spo'e with at the regional !enter told me that the Quine OrganiFation was not a!!epting
resignations at this timeK
Of !ourse " !ouldn*t be sure what " had been told over the telephone, or even if " had made su!h a
!all to resign my position with the !ompany) "t wasn*t until " a!tually wal'ed onto the floor of the
fa!tory that " realiFed " still had a :ob there if " wanted one, for the pla!e where " had stood for su!h
long hours at my assembly blo!' was uno!!upied) Already attired in my gray wor' !lothes, "
wal'ed over to the assembly blo!' and began fitting together, at a furious pa!e, those small metal
pie!es) 6ithout pausing in my tas' " loo'ed a!ross the assembly blo!' at the person " had on!e
thought of as the Bnew man)*
B6el!ome ba!',* he said in a !asual voi!e)
BThan' you,* " replied)
B" told Mr #rowley that you would return any day now)*
#or a moment " was over:oyed at the impli!it news that the temporary supervisor was gone and Mr
#rowley was ba!' managing the fa!tory) %ut when " loo'ed over at his offi!e in the !orner " noti!ed
that behind the heavily frosted glass there were no lights on, although the largeEbodied outline of
Mr #rowley !ould be distinguished sitting behind his des') /evertheless, he was a !hanged man, as
" dis!overed soon after returning to wor') /o one and nothing at the fa!tory would ever again be as
it on!e was) 6e were wor'ing pra!ti!ally around the !lo!' now) Some of us began to stay the night
at the fa!tory, sleeping for an hour or so in a !orner before going ba!' to wor' at our assembly
blo!'s)
After returning to wor' " no longer suffered from the nightmares that had !aused me to go running
ba!' to the fa!tory in the first pla!e) And yet " !ontinued to feel, if somewhat faintly, the
atmosphere of those nightmares, whi!h was so li'e the atmosphere our temporary supervisor had
brought to the fa!tory) " believe that this feeling of the overseeing presen!e of the temporary
supervisor was a !al!ulated measure on the part of the Quine OrganiFation, whi!h is always ma'ing
ad:ustments and refinements in the way it does business)
The !ompany retained its poli!y of not a!!epting resignations) "t even e(tended this poli!y at some
point and would not allow retirements) 6e were all pres!ribed new medi!ations, although " !an*t
say e(a!tly how many years ago that happened) /o one at the fa!tory !an remember how long
we*ve wor'ed here, or how old we are, yet our pa!e and produ!tivity !ontinues to in!rease) "t seems
as if neither the !ompany nor our temporary supervisor will ever be done with us) >et we are only
human beings, or at least physi!al beings, and one day we must die) This is the only retirement we
!an e(pe!t, even though none of us is loo'ing forward to that time) #or we !an*t 'eep from
wondering what might !ome afterward D what the !ompany !ould have planned for us, and the part
our temporary supervisor might play in that plan) 6or'ing at a furious pa!e, fitting together those
small pie!es of metal, helps 'eep our minds off su!h things)
"/ A #O."$/ TO6/, "/ A #O."$/ LA/D
&"S S&ADO6 S&ALL "S. TO A &"$&. &O8S.
"n the middle of the night " lay wide awa'e in bed, listening to the dull bla!' drone of the wind
outside my window and the sound of bare bran!hes s!raping against the shingles of the roof :ust
above me) Soon my thoughts be!ame fi(ed upon a town, pi!turing its various angles and aspe!ts, a
remote town near the northern border) Then " remembered that there was a hilltop graveyard that
hovered not far beyond the edge of town) " have never told a soul about this graveyard, whi!h for a
time was a sour!e of great anguish for those who had retreated to the barren lands!ape of the
northern border)
"t was within the hilltop graveyard, a pla!e that was far more populated than the town over whi!h it
hovered, that the body of As!robius had been buried) =nown throughout the town as a re!luse who
possessed an intensely !ontemplative nature, As!robius had suffered from a disease that left mu!h
of his body in a grossly deformed !ondition) /evertheless, despite the distinguishing ;ualities of his
severe deformity and his intensely !ontemplative nature, the death of As!robius was an event that
passed almost entirely unnoti!ed) All of the notoriety gained by the re!luse, all of the !omment "
atta!hed to his name, o!!urred sometime after his diseaseEmangled body had been housed among
the others in the hilltop graveyard)
At first there was no spe!ifi! mention of As!robius, but only a 'ind of twilight tal' D dim and
pervasive murmurs that persistently revolved around the graveyard outside of town, often tou!hing
upon more general topi!s of a morbid !hara!ter, in!luding some abstra!t dis!ourse, as " interpreted
it, on the phenomenon of the grave) More and more, whether one moved about the town or
remained in some se!luded ;uarter of it, this twilight tal' be!ame familiar and even invasive) "t
emerged from shadowed doorways along narrow streets, from halfEopened windows of the highest
rooms of the town*s old houses, and from the distant !orners of labyrinthine and resonant hallways)
.verywhere, it seemed, there were voi!es that had be!ome obsessed to the point of hysteria with a
single sub:e!tJ the Bmissing grave)* /o one mistoo' these words to mean a grave that somehow had
been violated, its ground dug up and its !ontents removed, or even a grave whose headstone had
abs!onded, leaving the resident of some parti!ular plot in a state of anonymity) .ven ", who was less
intimate than many others with the pe!uliar nuan!es of the northern border town, understood what
was meant by the words Ba missing grave* or Ban absent grave)* The hilltop graveyard was so dense
with headstones and its ground so riddled with interments that su!h a thing would be astonishingly
apparentJ where there on!e had been a grave li'e any other, there was now, in the same pre!ious
spa!e, only a pat!h of virgin earth)
#or a !ertain period of time, spe!ulation arose !on!erning the identity of the o!!upant of the
missing grave) %e!ause there e(isted no systemati! re!ordE'eeping for any parti!ular instan!e of
burial in the hilltop graveyard D when or where or for whom an interment too' pla!e D the
dis!ussions over the o!!upant of the missing grave, or the $ormer o!!upant, always degenerated into
outbursts of the wildest nonsense or simply faded into a vaporous and sullen !onfusion) Su!h a
s!ene was running its !ourse in the !ellar of an abandoned building where several of us had
gathered one evening) "t was on this o!!asion that a gentleman !alling himself Dr =latt first
suggested BAs!robius* as the name upon the headstone of the missing grave) &e was almost
offensively positive in this assertion, as if there were not an abundan!e of headstones on the hilltop
graveyard with erroneous or unreadable names, or none at all)
#or some time =latt had been advertising himself around town as an individual who possessed a
distinguished ba!'ground in some dis!ipline of a vaguely s!ientifi! nature) This persona or
imposture, if it was one, would not have been uni;ue in the history of the northern border town)
&owever, when =latt began to spea' of the re!ent anomaly not as a missin! grave, even an absent
grave, but as an uncreated grave, the others began to listen) Soon enough it was the name of
As!robius that was mentioned most fre;uently as the o!!upant of the missing D now uncreated D
grave) At the same time the reputation of Dr =latt be!ame !losely lin'ed to that of the de!eased
individual who was well 'nown for both his grossly deformed body and his intensely !ontemplative
nature)
During this period it seemed that anywhere in town one happened to find oneself, =latt was there
holding forth on the sub:e!t of his relationship to As!robius, whom he now !alled his Bpatient)* "n
the !ramped ba!' rooms of shops long gone out of business or some other similarly outEofEtheEway
lo!ale D a remote street !orner, for instan!e D =latt spo'e of the visits he had made to the high
ba!'street house of As!robius and of the attempts he had made to treat the disease from whi!h the
re!luse had long suffered) "n addition, =latt boasted of insights he had gained into the deeply
!ontemplative personality whom most of us had never met, let alone !onversed with at any great
length) 6hile =latt appeared to en:oy the attention he re!eived from those who had previously
dismissed him as :ust another impostor in the northern border town, and perhaps still !onsidered
him as su!h, " believe he was unaware of the profound suspi!ion, and even dread, that he inspired
due to what !ertain persons !alled his Bmeddling* in the affairs of As!robius) BThou shalt not
meddle* was an unspo'en, though seldom observed, !ommandment of the town, or so it seemed to
me) And =latt*s e(posure of the formerly obs!ure e(isten!e of As!robius, even if the do!tor*s
ane!dotes were misleading or totally fabri!ated, would be regarded as a highly perilous form of
meddling by many longtime residents of the town)
/onetheless, nobody turned away whenever =latt began tal'ing about the diseased, !ontemplative
re!luseJ nobody tried to silen!e or even ;uestion whatever !laims he made !on!erning As!robius)
B&e was a monster,* said the do!tor to some of us who were gathered one night in a ruined fa!tory
on the outs'irts of the town) =latt fre;uently stigmatiFed As!robius as either a Bmonster* or a
Bfrea',* though these epithets were not intended simply as a rea!tion to the grotes;ue physi!al
appearan!e of the notorious re!luse) "t was in a stri!tly metaphysi!al sense, a!!ording to =latt, that
As!robius should be viewed as most monstrous and frea'ish, ;ualities that emerged as a
!onse;uen!e of his intensely !ontemplative nature) B&e had in!redible powers available to him,*
said the do!tor) B&e might even have !ured himself of his diseased physi!al !onditionC who !an sayK
%ut all of his powers of !ontemplation, all of those in!essant meditations that too' pla!e in his high
ba!'street house, were dire!ted toward another purpose altogether)* Saying this mu!h, Dr =latt fell
silent in the fli!'ering, ma'eshift illumination of the ruined fa!tory) "t was almost as if he were
waiting for one of us to prompt his ne(t words, so that we might serve as a!!ompli!es in this
e(traordinary gossip over his de!eased patient, As!robius)
.ventually someone did in;uire about the !ontemplative powers and meditations of the re!luse, and
toward what end they might have been dire!ted) B6hat As!robius sought,* the do!tor e(plained,
Bwas not a remedy for his physi!al disease, not a !ure in any usual sense of the word) 6hat he
sought was an absolute annulment, not only of his disease but of his entire e(isten!e) On rare
o!!asions he even spo'e to me,* the do!tor said, Babout the uncreation of his whole life)* After Dr
=latt had spo'en these words there seemed to o!!ur a moment of the most profound stillness in the
ruined fa!tory where we were gathered) /o doubt everyone had suddenly be!ome possessed, as was
", by a single ob:e!t of !ontemplation D the absent grave, whi!h Dr =latt des!ribed as an un!reated
grave, within the hilltop graveyard outside of town) B>ou see what has happened,* Dr =latt said to
us) B&e has annulled his diseased and nightmarish e(isten!e, leaving us with an un!reated grave on
our hands)* /obody who was at the ruined fa!tory that night, nor anyone else in the northern border
town, believed there would not be a pri!e to pay for what had been revealed to us by Dr =latt) /ow
all of us had be!ome meddling a!!ompli!es in those events whi!h !ame to be euphemisti!ally
des!ribed as the BAs!robius es!apade)*
Admittedly the town had always been populated by hysteri!s of one sort or another) #ollowing the
As!robius es!apade, however, there was a remar'able plague of twilight tal' about Bunnatural
reper!ussions* that were either in the ma'ing or were already ta'ing pla!e throughout the town)
#omeone .ould have to atone $or that uncreated e3istence, or su!h was the general feeling as it was
e(pressed in various obs!ure settings and situations) "n the dead of night one !ould hear the most
reverberant s!reams arising at fre;uent intervals from every se!tion of town, parti!ularly the
ba!'street areas, far more than the usual no!turnal outbursts) And upon subse;uent over!ast days
the streets were all but deserted) Any tal' !onfronting the spe!ifi!s of the town*s night terrors was
either pre!ious or entirely absentJ perhaps, " might even say, it was as un!reated as As!robius
himself, at least for a time)
"t was inevitably the figure of Dr =latt who, late one afternoon, stepped forward from the shadows
of an old warehouse to address a small group of persons assembled there) &is shape barely visible
in the gauFy light that pushed its way through dusty windowpanes, =latt announ!ed that he might
possess the formula for solving the newEfound troubles of the northern border town) 6hile the
warehouse gathering was as wary as the rest of us of any further meddling in the matter of
As!robius, they gave =latt a hearing in spite of their reservations) "n!luded among this group was a
woman 'nown as Mrs $limm, who operated a lodging house D a!tually a 'ind of brothel D that was
patroniFed for the most part by outEofEtowners, espe!ially business travelers stopping on their way
to some destination a!ross the border) .ven though =latt did not dire!tly address Mrs $limm, he
made it ;uite !lear that he would re;uire an assistant of a very parti!ular type in order to !arry out
the measures he had in mind for delivering us all from those intangible traumas that had lately
affli!ted everyone in some manner) BSu!h an assistant,* the do!tor emphasiFed, Bshould not be
anyone who is e(!eptionally sensitive or intelligent)
BAt the same time,* he !ontinued, Bthis person must have adefinite handsomeness of appearan!e,
even a fragile beauty)* #urther instru!tions from Dr =latt indi!ated that the re;uisite assistant should
be sent up to the hilltop graveyard that same night, for the do!tor fully e(pe!ted that the !louds
whi!h had !ho'ed the s'y throughout the day would linger long into the evening, thus !utting off
the moonlight that often shone so harshly on the !losely huddled graves) This desire for optimum
dar'ness seemed to be a !onspi!uous giveaway on the do!tor*s part) .veryone present at the old
warehouse was of !ourse aware that su!h Bmeasures* as =latt proposed were only another instan!e
of meddling by someone who was almost !ertainly an impostor of the worst sort) %ut we were
already so deeply impli!ated in the As!robius es!apade, and so la!'ing in any solutions of our own,
that no one attempted to dis!ourage Mrs $limm from doing what she !ould to assist the do!tor with
his proposed s!heme)
So the moonless night !ame and went, and the assistant sent by Mrs $limm never returned from the
hilltop graveyard) >et nothing in the northern border town seemed to have !hanged) The !horus of
midnight out!ries !ontinued and the twilight tal' now began to fo!us on both the Bterrors of
As!robius* and the B!harlatan Dr =latt,* who was nowhere to be found when a sear!h was !ondu!ted
throughout every street and stru!ture of the town, e(!epting of !ourse the high ba!'street house of
the dreadful re!luse) #inally a small party of the town*s least hysteri!al persons made its way up the
hill whi!h led to the graveyard) 6hen they approa!hed the area of the absent grave, it was
immediately apparent what Bmeasures* =latt had employed and the fashion in whi!h the assistant
sent by Mrs $limm had been used in order to bring an end to the As!robius es!apade)
The message whi!h those who had gone up to the graveyard !arried ba!' to town was that =latt was
nothing but a !ommon but!her) B6ell, perhaps not a common but!her,* said Mrs $limm, who was
among the small graveyard party) Then she e(plained in detail how the body of the do!tor*s
assistant, its s'in finely shredded by !ountless in!isions and its parts numerously dismembered, had
been arranged with some !al!ulation on the spot of the absent graveJ the raw head and torso were
propped up in the ground as if to serve as the headstone for a grave, while the arms and legs were
disposed in a way that might be seen to demar!ate the re!tangular spa!e of a graveyard plot)
Someone suggested giving the violated body a proper burial in its own gravesite, but Mrs $limm,
for some reason un'nown even to herself, or so she said, persuaded the others that things should be
left as they were) And perhaps her intuition in this matter was feli!itous, for not many days later
there was a !omplete !essation of all terrors asso!iated with the As!robius es!apade, however
indefinite or possibly none(istent su!h o!!urren!es might have been from the start) Only later, by
means of the endless murmurs of twilight tal', did it be!ome apparent why Dr =latt might have
abandoned the town, even though his severe measures seemed to have wor'ed the e(a!t !ure whi!h
he had promised)
Although " !annot say that " witnessed anything myself, others reported signs of a Bnew o!!upation,*
not at the site of the grave of As!robius, but at the high ba!'street house where the re!luse on!e
spent his intensely !ontemplative days and nights) There were sometimes lights behind the
!urtained windows, these observers said, and the passing figure outlined upon those !urtains was
more outlandishly grotes;ue than anything they had ever seen while the resident of that house had
lived) %ut no one ever approa!hed the house) Afterward all spe!ulation about what had !ome to be
'nown as the Bresurre!tion of the un!reated* remained in the realm of twilight tal') >et as " now lie
in my bed, listening to the wind and the s!raping of bare bran!hes on the roof :ust above me, "
!annot help remaining wide awa'e with visions of that deformed spe!ter of As!robius and
pondering upon what unimaginable planes of !ontemplation it dreams of another a!t of un!reation,
a new and farErea!hing effort of great power and more !ertain permanen!e) /or do " wel!ome the
thought that one day someone may noti!e that a parti!ular house appears to be missing, or absent,
from the pla!e it on!e o!!upied along the ba!'street of a town near the northern border)
T&. %.LLS 6"LL SO8/D #O.+.
" was sitting in a small par' on a drab morning in early spring when a gentleman who loo'ed as if
he should be in a hospital sat down on the ben!h beside me) #or a time we both silently stared out at
the !olorless and soggy grounds of the par', where things were still thawing out and signs of a
revived natural life remained only tentative, the bare bran!hes of trees finely outlined against a gray
s'y) " had seen the other man on previous visits to the par' and, when he introdu!ed himself to me
by name, " seemed to remember him as a businessman of some sort) The words B!ommer!ial agent*
!ame to my mind as " sat gaFing up at the thin dar' bran!hes and, beyond them, the gray s'y)
Somehow our ;uiet and somewhat halting !onversation tou!hed upon the sub:e!t of a parti!ular
town near the northern border, a pla!e where " on!e lived) B"t*s been many years,* the other man
said, Bsin!e " was last in that town)* Then he pro!eeded to tell me about an e(perien!e he had had
there in the days when he often traveled to remote lo!ales for the business firm he represented and
whi!h, until that time, he had served as a longterm and highly dedi!ated employee)
"t was late at night, he told me, and he needed a pla!e to stay before moving on to his ultimate
destination a!ross the northern border) " 'new, as a oneEtime resident of the town, that there were
two prin!ipal venues where he might have spent the night) One of them was a lodging house on the
west side of town that, in a!tuality, fun!tioned primarily as a brothel patroniFed by travelling
!ommer!ial agents) The other was lo!ated somewhere on the east side of town in a distri!t of on!eE
opulent, but now for the most part uno!!upied houses, one of whi!h, a!!ording to rumor, had been
!onverted into a hostel of some 'ind by an old woman named Mrs Py', who was reputed to have
wor'ed in various !arnival sideshows D first as an e(oti! dan!er, and then later as a fortuneEteller D
before settling in the northern border town) The !ommer!ial agent told me that he !ould not be sure
if it was misdire!tion or deliberate mis!hief that sent him to the east side of town, where there were
only a few lighted windows here and there) Thus he easily spotted the va!an!y sign that stood
beside the steps leading up to an enormous house whi!h had a number of small turrets that seemed
to sprout li'e so many warts a!ross its faOade and even emerged from the high pea'ed roof that
!rowned the stru!ture) Despite the grim appearan!e of the house Ha Bminiature ruined !astle,* as my
!ompanion in the par' e(pressed itI, not to mention the generally desolate !hara!ter of the
surrounding neighborhood, the !ommer!ial agent said that he was not for a moment deterred from
as!ending the por!h steps) &e pressed the doorbell, whi!h he said was a BbuFFerEtype bell,* as
opposed to the type that !himed or tolled its signal) &owever, in addition to the buFFing noise that
was made when he pressed the button for the doorbell, he !laimed that there was also a B:ingleE
:angle sound* similar to that of sleigh bells) 6hen the door finally opened, and the !ommer!ial
agent !onfronted the heavily madeEup fa!e of Mrs Py', he simply as'ed, BDo you have a roomK*
8pon entering the vestibule to the house, he was made to pause by Mrs Py', who gestured with a
thin and palsied hand toward a registration ledger whi!h was spread open on a le!tern in the !orner)
There were no other visitors listed on the pages before him, yet the !ommer!ial agent unhesitatingly
pi!'ed up the fountain pen that lay in the !ru( of the ledger boo' and signed his nameJ Q) &)
Crumm) &aving done this, he turned ba!' toward Mrs Py' and stooped down to retrieve the small
suit!ase he had brought in with him) At that moment he first saw Mrs Py'*s left hand, the nonE
palsied hand, whi!h was :ust as thin as the other but whi!h appeared to be a prostheti! devi!e
resembling the pale hand of an old manni'in, its enameled epidermis having fla'ed away in several
pla!es) "t was then that Mr Crumm fully realiFed, in his own words, the Bdeliriously preposterous*
position in whi!h he had pla!ed himself) >et he said that he also felt a great sense of e(!itation
relating to things whi!h he !ould not pre!isely name, things whi!h he had never imagined before
and whi!h it seemed were not even possible for him to imagine with any !larity at the time)
The old woman was aware that Crumm had ta'en note of her artifi!ial hand) BAs you !an see,* she
said in a slow and raspy voi!e, B"*m perfe!tly !apable of ta'ing !are of myself, no matter what some
fool tries to pull on me) %ut " don*t re!eive as many gentleman travelers as " on!e did) "*m sure "
wouldn*t have any at all, if it were up to !ertain people,* she finished) %eliriousl+ 0re0osterous, Mr
Crumm thought to himself) /evertheless, he followed Mrs Py' li'e a little dog when she guided
him into her house, whi!h was so poorly lighted that one was at a loss to distinguish any features of
the dN!or, leaving Crumm with the heady sensation of being enveloped by the most sumptuous
surroundings of shadows) This feeling was only intensified when the old woman rea!hed out for a
small lamp that was barely glowing in the dar'ness and, with a finger of her real hand, turned up its
wi!', the light pushing ba!' some of the shadows while grotes;uely enlarging many others) She
then began es!orting Crumm up the stairs to his room, holding the lamp in her real hand while
simply allowing her artifi!ial hand to hang at her side) And with ea!h step that Mrs Py' as!ended,
the !ommer!ial agent seemed to dete!t the same :ingleE:angle of bells that he had first heard when
he was standing outside the house, waiting for someone to answer his ring) %ut the sound was so
faint, as if heavily muffled, that Mr Crumm willingly believed it to be only the e!ho of a memory or
his wandering imagination)
The room in whi!h Mrs Py' finally deposited her guest was on the highest floor of the house, :ust
down a short, narrow hallway from the door leading to the atti!) B%y that time there seemed nothing
at all preposterous in this arrangement,* Mr Crumm told me as we sat together on the par' ben!h
loo'ing out at that drab morning in early spring) " replied that su!h lapses in :udgment were not
un!ommon where Mrs Py'*s lodging house was !on!ernedC at least su!h were the rumors " had
heard during the period when " was living in the town near the northern border)
6hen they had rea!hed the hallway of the highest floor of the house, Crumm informed me, Mrs
Py' set aside the lamp she was !arrying on a table positioned near the top of the last flight of stairs)
She then e(tended her hand and pushed a small button that protruded from one of the walls, thereby
a!tivating some lighting fi(tures along either wall) The illumination remained dismal D a!tively
dismal, as Crumm des!ribed it D but served to reveal the densely patterned wallpaper and the even
more densely patterned !arpeting of the hallway whi!h led, in one dire!tion, to the opening onto the
atti! and, in the other dire!tion, to the room in whi!h the !ommer!ial agent was supposed to sleep
that night) After Mrs Py' unlo!'ed the door to this room and pushed another small button upon the
wall inside, Crumm observed how !ramped and austere was the !hamber in whi!h he was being
pla!ed, unne!essarily so, he thought, !onsidering the apparent spa!iousness, or Bdar'
sumptuousness,* as he !alled it, of the rest of the house) >et Crumm made no ob:e!tion Hnor felt any,
he insistedI, and with mute obedien!e set down his suit!ase beside a tiny bed whi!h was not even
e;uipped with a headboard) BThere*sa bathroom :ust a little way down the hall,* Mrs Py' said before
she left the room, !losing the door behind her) And in the silen!e of that little room, Crumm thought
that on!e again he !ould hear the :ingleE:angle sound of bells fading into the distan!e and the
dar'ness of that great house)
Although he had put in ;uite a long day, the !ommer!ial agent did not feel in the least bit tired, or
possibly he had entered into a mental state beyond the boundaries of absolute fatigue, as he himself
spe!ulated when we were sitting on that ben!h in the par') #or some time he lay on the undersiFed
bed, still fully !lothed, and stared at a !eiling that had several large stains spread a!ross it) After all,
he thought, he had been pla!ed in a room that was dire!tly below the roof of the house, and
apparently this roof was damaged in some way whi!h allowed the rain to enter freely through the
atti! on stormy days and nights) Suddenly his mind be!ame fi(ed in the strangest way upon the
atti!, the door to whi!h was :ust down the hall from his own room) The m+ster+ o$ an old attic,
Crumm whispered to himself as he lay on that miniature bed in a room at the top of an enormous
house of enveloping shadows) #eelings and impulses that he had never e(perien!ed before arose in
him as he be!ame more and more e(!ited about the atti! and its mysteries) &e was a traveling
!ommer!ial agent who needed his rest to prepare himself for the ne(t day, and yet all he !ould thin'
about was getting up from his bed and wal'ing down the dimly lighted hallway toward the door
leading to the atti! of Mrs Py'*s shadowy house) &e !ould tell anyone who !ared to 'now that he
was only going down the hall to use the bathroom, he told himself) %ut Crumm pro!eeded past the
door to the bathroom and soon found himself helplessly !reeping into the atti!, the door to whi!h
had been left unlo!'ed)
The air inside smelled sweet and stale) Moonlight entered by way of a small o!tagonal window and
guided the !ommer!ial agent among the bla!' !lutter toward a lightEbulb that hung down from a
thi!' bla!' !ord) &e rea!hed up and turned a little dial that protruded from the side of the lightbulb
fi(ture) /ow he !ould see the treasures surrounding him, and he was sha'ing with the e(!itation of
his dis!overy) Crumm told me that Mrs Py'*s old atti! was li'e a !ostume shop or the dressing room
of a theater) All around him was a world of strange outfits spilling forth from the depths of large
open trun's or dangling in the shadows of tall open wardrobes) Later he be!ame aware that these
!urious !lothes were, for the most part, remnants from Mrs Py'*s days as an e(oti! dan!er, and
subse;uently a fortuneEteller, for various !arnival sideshows) Crumm himself remembered
observing that mounted along the walls of the atti! were several faded posters advertising the two
distin!t phases of the old woman*s former life) One of these posters portrayed a dan!ing girl posed
in midEturn amidst a whirl of sil's, her fa!e averted from the silhouetted heads representing the
audien!e at the bottom of the pi!ture, a mob of bald pates and bowler hats huddled together)
Another poster displayed a pair of dar' staring eyes with long spidery lashes) Above the eyes,
printed in a serpentine style of lettering, were the wordsJ Mistress of #ortune) %elow the eyes,
spelled in the same type of letters, was a simple ;uestionJ 6&AT "S >O8 6"LLK
Aside from the leftover garments of an e(oti! dan!er or a mysterious fortune teller, there were also
other !lothes, other !ostumes) They were s!attered all over the atti! D that Bparadise of the past,* as
Crumm began to refer to it) &is hands trembled as he found all sorts of odd disguises lying about
the floor or draped a!ross a wardrobe mirror, elaborate and !lownish outfits in ri!h velvets and
shiny, !olorful satins) ummaging among this delirious atti!Eworld, Crumm finally found what he
barely 'new he was see'ing) There it was, buried at the bottom of one of the largest trun's D a
fool*s motley !omplete with soft slippers turned up at the toes and a twoEpronged !ap that :angled
its bells as he pulled it over his head) The entire suit was a mad pat!hwor' of !olored fabri!s and
fitted him perfe!tly, on!e he had removed all of the !lothing he wore as a !ommer!ial agent) The
double pea's of the fool*s !ap resembled the twin horns of a snail, Crumm noti!ed when he loo'ed
at his image in the mirror, e(!ept that they drooped this way and that whenever he shoo' his head to
ma'e the bells :angle) There were also bells sewn into the turnedEup tips of the slippers and hanging
here and there upon the body of the :ester*s suit) Crumm made them all go :ingleE:angle, he
e(plained to me, as he pran!ed before the wardrobe mirror gaFing upon the figure that he !ould not
re!ogniFe as himself, so lost was he in a world of feelings and impulses he had never before
imagined) &e no longer retained the slightest sense, he said, of his e(isten!e as a travelling
!ommer!ial agent) #or him, there was now only the :ester*s suit hugging his body, the :ingleE:angle
of the bells, and the sla!' fa!e of a fool in the mirror)
After a time he san' fa!eEdown upon the !old wooden floor of the atti!, Crumm informed me, and
lay absolutely still, e(hausted by the !ontentment he had found in that musty paradise) Then the
sound of the bells started up again, although Crumm !ould not tell from where it was !oming) &is
body remained unmoving upon the floor in a state of sleepy paralysis, and yet he heard the sound of
the :angling bells) Crumm thought that if he !ould :ust open his eyes and roll over on the floor he
!ould see what was ma'ing the sound of the bells) %ut soon he lost all !onfiden!e in this plan of
a!tion, be!ause he !ould no longer feel his own body) The sound of the bells be!ame even louder,
:angling about his ears, even though he was in!apable of ma'ing his head move in any way and thus
sha'ing the bells on his twoEpronged fool*s !ap) Then he heard a voi!e say to him, BOpen your
eyes ) ) ) and see your surprise)* And when he opened his eyes he finally saw his fa!e in the
wardrobe mirrorJ it was a tiny fa!e on a tiny fool*s head ) ) ) and the head was at the end of a sti!', a
'ind of baton with stripes on it li'e a !andy !ane, held in the wooden hand of Mrs Py') She was
sha'ing the striped sti!' li'e a baby*s rattle, ma'ing the bells on Crumm*s tiny head go :ingleE:angle
so wildly) There in the mirror he !ould also see his body still lying helpless and immobile upon the
atti! floor) And in his mind was a single !onsuming thoughtJ to 'e a head on a stick held in the
.ooden hand o$ Mrs &+k, (orever , , , $orever)
6hen Crumm awo'e the ne(t morning, he heard the sound of raindrops on the roof :ust above the
room in whi!h he lay fully !lothed on the bed) Mrs Py' was sha'ing him gently with her real hand,
saying, B6a'e up, Mr Crumm) "t*s late and you have to be on your way) >ou have business a!ross
the border)* Crumm wanted to say something to the old woman then and there, !onfront her with
what he des!ribed to me as his Badventure in the atti!)* %ut Mrs Py'*s brus;ue, businessli'e manner
and her entirely ordinary tone of voi!e told him that any in;uiries would be useless) "n any !ase, he
was afraid that openly bringing up this pe!uliar matter with Mrs Py' was not something he should
do if he wished to remain on good terms with her) Soon thereafter he was standing with his suit!ase
in his hand at the door of the enormous house, lingering for a moment to gaFe upon the heavily
madeEup fa!e of Mrs Py' and se!ure another glimpse of the artifi!ial hand whi!h hung down at her
side)
BMay " !ome to stay againK* Crumm as'ed)
B"f you wish,* answered Mrs Py', as she held open the door for her departing guest)
On!e he was outside on the por!h Crumm ;ui!'ly turned aboutEfa!e and !alled out, BMay " have the
same roomK*
%ut Mrs Py' had already !losed the door behind him, and her answer to his ;uestion, if it a!tually
was one, was a faint :ingleE:angle sound of tiny bells)
After !onsummating his !ommer!ial dealings on the other side of the northern border, Mr Crumm
returned to the lo!ation of Mrs Py'*s house, only to find that the pla!e had burned to the ground
during the brief interval he had been away) " told him, as we sat on that par' ben!h loo'ing out upon
a drab morning in early spring, that there had always been rumors, a sort of irresponsible twilight
tal', about Mrs Py' and her old house) Some persons, hysteri!s of one sort or another, suggested
that Mrs $limm, who operated the lodging house on the west side of town, was the one behind the
fire whi!h brought to an end Mrs Py'*s business a!tivities on the east side) The two of them had
apparently been asso!iates at one time, in a sense partners, whose respe!tive houses on the west and
east sides of the northern border town were operated for the mutual benefit of both women) %ut a
rift of some 'ind appeared to turn them into bitter enemies) Mrs $limm, who was sometimes
!hara!teriFed as a Bperson of un!anny greed,* be!ame intolerant of the !ompetition posed by her
former ally in business) "t !ame to be understood throughout the town near the northern border that
Mrs $limm had arranged for someone to assault Mrs Py' in her own house, an atta!' whi!h
!ulminated in the severing of Mrs Py'*s left hand) &owever, Mrs $limm*s plan to dis!ourage the
ambitions of her !ompetitor ultimately ba!'fired, it seemed, for after this atta!' on her person Mrs
Py' appeared to undergo a dramati! !hange, as did her method of running things at her east side
house) She had always been 'nown as a woman of e(!eptional will and e(traordinary gifts, this
oneEtime e(oti! dan!er and later Mistress of #ortune, but following the dismemberment of her left
hand, and its repla!ement by an artifi!ial wooden hand, she seemed to have attained unheardEof
powers, all of whi!h she dire!ted toward one aim D that of putting her e(Epartner, Mrs $limm, out
of business) "t was then that she began to operate her lodging house in an entirely new manner and
in a!!ordan!e with uni;ue methods, so that whenever traveling !ommer!ial agents who patroniFed
Mrs $limm*s west side lodging house !ame to stay at Mrs Py'*s, they always returned to Mrs Py'*s
house on the east side and never again to Mrs $limm*s westEside pla!e)
" mentioned to Mr Crumm that " had lived in that northern border town long enough to have been
told on various o!!asions that a guest !ould visit Mrs Py' :ust so many times before he dis!overed
one day that he !ould never leave her again) Su!h tal', " !ontinued, was to some e(tent
substantiated by what was found in the ruins of Mrs Py'*s house after the fire) "t seemed there were
rooms all over the house, and even in the farthest !orners of its vast !ellar regions, where the
!harred remains of human bodies were found) To all appearan!es, given the intensely destru!tive
nature of that !onflagration, ea!h of the in!inerated !orpses was dressed in some outlandish
!lothing, as if the whole stru!ture of the house were inhabited by a nest of mas;ueraders) "n light of
all the stories we had heard in the town, no one bothered to remar' on how unli'ely it was, how
preposterous even, that none of the lodgers at Mrs Py'*s house had managed to es!ape)
/evertheless, as " dis!losed to Crumm, the body of Mrs Py' herself was never found, despite a most
diligent sear!h that was !ondu!ted by Mrs $limm)
>et even as " brought all of these fa!ts to his attention as we sat on that par' ben!h, Crumm*s mind
seemed to have drifted off to other realms and more than ever he loo'ed as if he belonged in a
hospital) #inally he spo'e, as'ing me to !onfirm what " had said about the absen!e of Mrs Py'*s
body among those found in the ashes left by the fire) " !onfirmed the statement " had made, begging
him to !onsider the pla!e and the !ir!umstan!es whi!h were the sour!e of this and all my other
remar's, as well as his own, that were made that morning in early spring) Bemember your own
words,* " said to Crumm)
B6hi!h words were thoseK* he as'ed)
BDeliriously preposterous,* " replied, trying to draw out the sound of ea!h syllable, as if to imbue
them with some a!tual sense or at least a dramati! for!e of some 'ind) B>ou were only a pawn,* "
said) B>ou and all those others were nothing but pawns in a struggle between for!es you !ould not
!on!eive) >our impulses were not your own) They were as artifi!ial as Mrs Py'*s wooden hand)*
#or a moment Crumm seemed to be!ome roused to his senses) Then he said, as if to himself, BThey
never found her body)*
B/o, they did not,* " answered)
B/ot even her hand,* he said in a stri!tly rhetori!al tone of voi!e) Again " affirmed his statement)
Crumm fell silent after that :un!ture in our !onversation, and when " left him that morning he was
staring out at the drab and soggy grounds of that par' with the loo' of someone in a hysteri!al
tran!e, remaining ;uietly attentive for some sound or sign to rea!h his awareness) That was the last
time " saw him)
O!!asionally, on nights when " find it diffi!ult to sleep, " thin' about Mr Crumm the !ommer!ial
agent and the !onversation we had that day in the par') " also thin' about Mrs Py' and her house on
the east side of a northern border town where " on!e lived) "n these moments it is almost as if "
myself !an hear the faint :ingleE:angle of bells in the bla!'ness, and my mind begins to wander in
pursuit of a desperate dream that is not my own) Perhaps this dream ultimately belongs to no one,
however many persons, in!luding !ommer!ial agents, may have belonged to it)
A SO#T +O"C. 6&"SP.S /OT&"/$
Long before " suspe!ted the e(isten!e of the town near the northern border, " believe that " was in
some way already an inhabitant of that remote and desolate pla!e) Any number of signs might be
offered to support this !laim, although some of them may seem somewhat removed from the issue)
/ot the least of them appeared during my !hildhood, those soft gray years when " was stri!'en with
one sort or another of lifeEdraining infirmity) "t was at this early stage of development that " sealed
my deep affinity with the winter season in all its phases and manifestations) /othing seemed more
natural to me than my impulse to follow the path of the snowEtopped roof and the i!eE!rowned
fen!eEpost, !onsidering that ", too, in my illness, e(hibited the mar's of an essentially hibernal state
of being) 8nder the plump blan'ets of my bed " lay freeFing and pale, my temples sweating with
shiny si!'les of fever) Through the frosted panes of my bedroom window " wat!hed in awful
devotion as dull winter days were su!!eeded by blinding winter nights) " remained ever awa'e to
the possibility, as my young mind !on!eived it, of an Bi!y trans!enden!e)* " was therefore !autious,
even in my fre;uent states of delirium, never to indulge in a vulgar sleep, e(!ept perhaps to dream
my way deeper into that lands!ape where vanishing winds snat!hed me up into the void of an
ultimate hibernation)
/o one e(pe!ted " would live very long, not even my attending physi!ian, Dr Pir') A widower far
along into middle age, the do!tor seemed intensely dedi!ated to the wellEbeing of the living
anatomies under his !are) >et from my earliest a!;uaintan!e with him " sensed that he too had a
se!ret affinity with the most remote and desolate lo!us of the winter spirit, and therefore was also
allied with the town near the northern border) .very time he e(amined me at my bedside he
betrayed himself as a fellow fanati! of a dis!onsolate !reed, embodying so many of its stigmata and
gestures) &is wiry, whiteEstrea'ed hair and beard were thinning, pat!hy remnants of a former
lu(urian!e, mu!h li'e the bare, frostE!overed bran!hes of the trees outside my window) &is fa!e was
of a !oarse !omple(ion, rugged as froFen earth, while his eyes were over!ast with the !loudy ether
of a De!ember afternoon) And his fingers felt so frigid as they palpated my ne!' or gently pulled at
the underlids of my eyes)
One day, when " believe that he thought " was asleep, Dr Pir' revealed the e(tent of his initiation
into the barren mysteries of the winter world, even if he spo'e only in the !rypti! fragments of an
overwor'ed soul in e(tremis) "n a voi!e as pure and !old as an ar!ti! wind the do!tor made
referen!e to Bundergoing !ertain ordeals,* as well as spea'ing of what he !alled Bgrotes;ue
dis!ontinuities in the order of things)* &is trembling words also invo'ed an epistemology of Bhope
and horror,* of e(posing on!e and for all the true nature of this Bgreat gray ritual of e(isten!e* and
plunging headlong into an Benlightenment of inanity)* "t seemed that he was addressing me dire!tly
when in a soft gasp of desperation he said, BTo ma'e an end of it, little puppet, in your own way) To
!lose the door in one swift motion and not by slow, fretful degrees) "f only this do!tor !ould show
you the way of su!h !old deliveran!e)* " felt my eyelashes flutter at the tone and import of these
words, and Dr Pir' immediately be!ame silent) Gust then my mother entered the room, allowing me
a prete(t to display an aroused !ons!iousness) %ut " never betrayed the !onfiden!e or indis!retion
the do!tor had entrusted to me that day)
"n any !ase, it was many years later that " first dis!overed the town near the northern border, and
there " !ame to understand the sour!e and signifi!an!e of Dr Pir'*s mumblings on that nearly silent
winter day) " noti!ed, as " arrived in the town, how !lose a resemblan!e it bore to the winterland of
my !hildhood, even if the pre!ise time of year was still slightly out of season) On that day,
everything D the streets of the town and the few people traveling upon them, the store windows and
the meager mer!handise they displayed, the weightless pie!es of debris barely animated by a halfE
dead wind D everything loo'ed as if it had been drained entirely of all !olor, as if an enormous
photographi! flash had :ust gone off in the startled fa!e of the town) And somehow beneath this
pallid faOade " intuited what " des!ribed to myself as the BallEpervasive aura of a pla!e that has
offered itself as a haven for an interminable series of delirious events)*
"t was definitely a mood of delirium that appeared to rule the s!ene, !ausing all that " saw to
shimmer vaguely in my sight, as if viewed through the gauFy glow of a si!'roomJ a haFiness that
had no pre!ise substan!e, distorting without in any way obs!uring the ob:e!ts behind or within it)
There was an atmosphere of disorder and !ommotion that " sensed in the streets of the town, as if its
delirious mood were only a soft prelude to great pandemonium) " heard the sound of something that
" !ould not identify, an approa!hing ra!'et that !aused me to ta'e refuge in a narrow passageway
between a pair of high buildings) /estled in this dar' hiding pla!e " wat!hed the street and listened
as that nameless !lattering grew louder) "t was a medley of !langing and !rea'ing, of groaning and
!roa'ing, a dull :angle of something un'nown as it groped its way through the town, a !haoti!
parade in honor of some spe!ial o!!asion of delirium)
The street that " saw beyond the narrow opening between the two buildings was now entirely empty)
The only thing " !ould glimpse was a blur of high and low stru!tures whi!h appeared to ;uiver
slightly as the noise be!ame louder and louder, the parade !losing in, though from whi!h dire!tion "
did not 'now) The formless !lamor seemed to envelop everything around me, and then suddenly "
!ould see a passing figure in the street) Dressed in loose white garments, it had an eggEshaped head
that was !ompletely hairless and as white as paste, a !lown of some 'ind who moved in a way that
was both !asual and laborious, as if it were strolling underwater or against a strong wind, tra!ing
strange patterns in the air with billowed arms and pale hands) "t seemed to ta'e forever for this
apparition to pass from view, but :ust before doing so it turned to peer into the narrow passage
where " had se!reted myself, and its greasy white fa!e was wearing an e(pression of bland
malevolen!e)
Others followed the lead figure, in!luding a team of ragged men who were harnessed li'e beasts
and pulled long bristling ropes) They also moved out of sight, leaving the ropes to waver sla!'ly
behind them) The vehi!le to whi!h these ropes were atta!hed D by means of enormous hoo's D
rolled into the s!ene, its great wooden wheels audibly grinding the pavement of the street beneath
them) "t was a sort of platform with huge wooden sta'es rising from its perimeter to form the bars of
a !age) There was nothing to se!ure the wooden bars at the top, and so they wobbled with the
movement of the parade)
&anging from the bars, and rattling against them, was an array of ob:e!ts haphaFardly tethered by
!ords and wires and straps of various 'inds) " saw mas's and shoes, household utensils and na'ed
dolls, large blea!hed bones and the s'eletons of small animals, bottles of !olored glass, the head of
a dog with a rusty !hain wrapped several times around its ne!', and sundry s!raps of debris and
other things " !ould not name, all 'no!'ing together in a wild per!ussion) " wat!hed and listened as
that ludi!rous vehi!le passed by in the street) /othing else followed it, and the enigmati! parade
seemed to be at an end, now only a delirious noise fading into the distan!e) Then a voi!e !alled out
behind me)
B6hat are you doing ba!' hereK*
" turned around and saw a fat old woman moving toward me from the shadows of that narrow
passageway between the two high buildings) She was wearing a highly de!orated hat that was
almost as wide as she was, and her already ample form was augmented by numerous layers of
!olorful s!arves and shawls) &er body was further weighted down by several ne!'la!es whi!h hung
li'e a noose around her ne!' and many bra!elets about both of her !hubby wrists) On the thi!'
fingers of either hand were a variety of large gaudy rings)
B" was wat!hing the parade,* " said to her) B%ut " !ouldn*t see what was inside the !age, or whatever
it was) "t seemed to be empty)*
The woman simply stared at me for some time, as if !ontemplating my fa!e and perhaps surmising
that " had only re!ently arrived in the northern border town) Then she introdu!ed herself as Mrs
$limm and said that she ran a lodging house) BDo you have a pla!e to stayK* she as'ed in an
aggressively demanding tone) B"t should be dar' soon,* she said, glan!ing slightly upward) BThe
days are getting shorter and shorter)*
" agreed to follow her ba!' to the lodging house) On the way " as'ed her about the parade) B"t*s all
:ust some nonsense,* she said as we wal'ed through the dar'ening streets of the town) B&ave you
seen one of theseK* she as'ed, handing me a !rumpled pie!e of paper that she had stuffed among her
s!arves and shawls)
Smoothing out the page Mrs $limm had pla!ed in my hands, " tried to read in the dimming twilight
what was printed upon it)
At the top of the page, in !apital letters, was a titleJ M.TAP&>S"CAL L.CT8. ") %elow these
words was a brief te(t whi!h " read to myself as " wal'ed with Mrs $limm) B"t has been said,* the
te(t began, Bthat after undergoing !ertain ordeals D whether e!stati! or abysmal D we should be
obliged to !hange our names, as we are no longer who we on!e were) "nstead the opposite rule is
appliedJ our names linger long after anything resembling what we were, or thought we were, has
disappeared entirely) /ot that there was ever mu!h to begin with D only a few ;uestionable
memories and impulses drifting about li'e snowfla'es in a gray and endless winter) %ut ea!h soon
floats down and settles into a !old and nameless void)*
After reading this brief Bmetaphysi!al le!ture,* " as'ed Mrs $limm where it !ame from) BThey were
all over town,* she replied) BGust some nonsense, li'e the rest of it) Personally " thin' this sort of
thing is bad for business) 6hy should " have to go around pi!'ing up !ustomers in the streetK %ut as
long as someone*s paying my pri!e " will a!!ommodate them in whatever style they wish) "n
addition to operating a lodging house or two, " am also li!ensed to a!t as an underta'er*s assistant
and a !abaret stage manager) 6ell, here we are) >ou !an go inside D someone will be there to ta'e
!are of you) At the moment " have an appointment elsewhere)* 6ith these !on!luding words, Mrs
$limm wal'ed off, her :ewelry rattling with every step she too')
Mrs $limm*s lodging house was one of several great stru!tures along the street, ea!h of them
sharing similar features and all of them, " later dis!overed, in some way under the proprietorship or
authority of the same person D that is, Mrs $limm) /early flush with the street stood a series of high
and almost styleless houses with institutional faOades of pale gray mortar and enormous dar' roofs)
Although the street was rather wide, the sidewal's in front of the houses were so narrow that the
roofs of these edifi!es slightly overhung the pavement below, !reating a sense of tunnelEli'e
en!losure) All of the houses might have been siblings of my !hildhood residen!e, whi!h " on!e
heard someone des!ribe as an Bar!hite!tural moan)* " thought of this phrase as " went through the
pro!ess of renting a room in Mrs $limm*s lodging house, insisting that " be pla!ed in one that fa!ed
the street) On!e " was settled into my apartment, whi!h was a!tually a single, ;uite e(pansive
bedroom, " stood at the window gaFing up and down the street of gray houses, whi!h together
seemed to form a pro!ession of some 'ind, a froFen funeral parade) " repeated the words
Bar!hite!tural moan* over and over to myself until e(haustion for!ed me away from the window and
under the musty blan'ets of the bed) %efore " fell asleep " remembered that it was Dr Pir' who had
used this phrase to des!ribe my !hildhood home, a pla!e that he had visited so often)
So it was of Dr Pir' that " was thin'ing as " fell asleep in that e(pansive bedroom in Mrs $limm*s
lodging house) And " was thin'ing of him not only be!ause he had used the phrase Bar!hite!tural
moan* to des!ribe the appearan!e of my !hildhood home, whi!h so !losely resembled those highE
roofed stru!tures along that street of gray houses in the northern border town, but also, and even
primarily, be!ause the words of the brief metaphysi!al le!ture " had read some hours earlier
reminded me so mu!h of the words, those fragments and mutterings, that the do!tor had spo'en as
he sat upon my bed and attended to the lifeEdraining infirmities from whi!h everyone e(pe!ted "
would die at a very young age) Lying under the musty blan'ets of my bed in that strange lodging
house, with a little moonlight shining through the window to illuminate the dreamli'e vastness of
the room around me, " on!e again felt the weight of someone sitting upon my bed and bending over
my apparently sleeping body, ministering to it with unseen gestures and a soft voi!e) "t was then,
while pretending to be asleep as " used to do in my !hildhood, that " heard the words of a se!ond
Bmetaphysi!al le!ture)* They were whispered in a slow and resonant monotone)
B6e should give than's,* the voi!e said to me, Bthat a poverty of 'nowledge has so narrowed our
vision of things as to allow the possibility of feeling something about them) &ow !ould we find a
prete(t to rea!t to anything if we understood ) ) ) everythingK /one but an absent mind was ever
vi!timiFed by the adventure of intense emotional feeling) And without the suspense that is generated
by our benighted state D our status as beings possessed by our own bodies and the madness that
goes along with them D who !ould ta'e enough interest in the universal spe!ta!le to bring forth even
the feeblest yawn, let alone e(hibit the more dramati! manifestations whi!h lend su!h unwonted
!olor to a world that is essentially !omposed of shades of gray upon a ba!'ground of bla!'nessK
&ope and horror, to repeat merely two of the innumerable !onditions dependent on a faulty insight,
would be mu!h the worse for an ultimate revelation that would e(pose their la!' of ne!essity) At the
other e(treme, both our most dire and most e(alted emotions are well served every time we ta'e
some ray of 'nowledge, isolate it from the spe!trum of illumination, and then forget it !ompletely)
All our e!stasies, whether sa!red or from the slime, depend on our refusal to be s!hooled in even the
most superfi!ial truths and our maddening will to follow the path of forgetfulness) Amnesia may
well be the highest sa!rament in the great gray ritual of e(isten!e) To 'now, to understand in the
fullest sense, is to plunge into an enlightenment of inanity, a wintry lands!ape of memory whose
substan!e is all shadows and a profound awareness of the infinite spa!es surrounding us on all
sides) 6ithin this spa!e we remain suspended only with the aid of strings that ;uiver with our hopes
and our horrors, and whi!h 'eep us dangling over the gray void) &ow is it that we !an defend su!h
puppetry, !ondemning any efforts to strip us of these stringsK The reason, one must suppose, is that
nothing is more enti!ing, nothing more vitally idioti!, than our desire to have a name D even if it is
the name of a stupid little puppet D and to hold on to this name throughout the long ordeal of our
lives as if we !ould hold on to it forever) "f only we !ould 'eep those pre!ious strings from growing
frayed and tangled, if only we !ould 'eep from falling into an empty s'y, we might !ontinue to pass
ourselves off under our assumed names and perpetuate our puppet*s dan!e throughout all
eternity ) ) )*
The voi!e whispered more words than this, more than " !an re!all, as if it would deliver its le!ture
without end) %ut at some point " drifted off to sleep as " had never slept before, !alm and gray and
dreamless)
The ne(t morning " was awa'ened by some noise down in the street outside my window) "t was the
same delirious !a!ophony " had heard the day before when " first arrived in the northern border
town and witnessed the passing of that uni;ue parade) %ut when " got up from my bed and went to
the window, " saw no sign of the uproarious pro!ession) Then " noti!ed the house dire!tly opposite
the one in whi!h " had spent the night) One of the highest windows of that house a!ross the street
was fully open, and slightly below the ledge of the window, lying against the gray faOade of the
house, was the body of a man hanging by his ne!' from a thi!' white rope) The !ord was stret!hed
taut and led ba!' through the window and into the house) #or some reason this sight did not seem in
any way une(pe!ted or out of pla!e, even as the noisy thrumming of the unseen parade grew
in!reasingly loud and even when " re!ogniFed the figure of the hanged man, who was e(tremely
slight of build, almost li'e a !hild in physi!al stature) Although many years older than when " had
last seen him, his hair and beard now radiantly white, !learly the body was that of my old physi!ian,
Dr Pir')
/ow " !ould see the parade approa!hing) #rom the far end of the gray, tunnelEli'e street, the !lown
!reature strolled in its loose white garments, his eggEshaped head s!anning the high houses on either
side) As the !reature passed beneath my window it loo'ed up at me for a moment with that same
e(pression of bland malevolen!e, and then passed on) #ollowing this figure was the formation of
ragged men harnessed by ropes to a !ageEli'e vehi!le that rolled along on wooden wheels)
Countless ob:e!ts, many more than " saw the previous day, !lattered against the bars of the !age)
The grotes;ue inventory now in!luded bottles of pills that rattled with the !ontents inside them,
shining s!alpels and instruments for !utting through bones, needles and syringes strung together and
hung li'e ornaments on a Christmas tree, and a stethos!ope that had been looped about the
de!apitated dog*s head) The wooden sta'es of the !aged platform wobbled to the point of brea'ing
with the additional weight of this !astEoff !lutter) %e!ause there was no roof !overing this !age, "
!ould see down into it from my window) %ut there was nothing inside, at least for the moment) As
the vehi!le passed dire!tly below, " loo'ed a!ross the street at the hanged man and the thi!' rope
from whi!h he dangled li'e a puppet) #rom the shadows inside the open window of the house, a
hand appeared that was holding a polished steel straight raFor) The fingers of that hand were thi!'
and wore many gaudy rings) After the raFor had wor'ed at the !ord for a few moments, the body of
Dr Pir' fell from the heights of the gray house and landed in the open vehi!le :ust as it passed by)
The pro!ession whi!h was so lethargi! in its every aspe!t now seemed to disappear ;ui!'ly from
view, its muffled riot of sounds fading into the distan!e)
To make an end o$ it, " thought to myself D to make an end o$ it in .hatever st+le +ou .ish,
" loo'ed at the house a!ross the street) The window that was on!e open was now !losed, and the
!urtains behind it were drawn) The tunnelEli'e street of gray houses was absolutely ;uiet and
absolutely still) Then, as if in answer to my own deepest wish, a sparse showering of snowfla'es
began to des!end from the gray morning s'y, ea!h one of them a soft whispering voi!e) #or the
longest time " !ontinued to stare out from my window, gaFing upon the street and the town that "
'new was my home)
6&./ >O8 &.A T&. S"/$"/$, >O8 6"LL =/O6 "T "S T"M.
" had lived in the town near the northern border long enough so that, with the o!!ult passing of time,
" had begun to assume that " would never leave there, at least not while " was alive)
" would die by my own hand, " might have believed, or possibly by the more usual means of some
violent misadventure or some wasting disease) %ut !ertainly " had begun to assume that my life*s
end, as if by right, would ta'e pla!e either within the town itself or in !lose pro(imity to its
outs'irts, where the dense streets and stru!tures of the town started to thin out and eventually
dissolved into a desolate and seemingly endless !ountryside) #ollowing my death, " thought, or had
begun unwittingly to assume, " would be buried in the hilltop graveyard outside the town) " had no
idea that there were others who might have told me that it was :ust as li'ely " would not die in the
town and therefore would not be buried, or interred in any way whatsoever, within the hilltop
graveyard) Su!h persons might have been regarded as hysteri!s of some 'ind, or possibly some type
of impostor, sin!e everyone who was a permanent resident of the northern border town seemed to
be either one or the other and often both of them at on!e) These individuals might have suggested to
me that it was also entirely possible neither to die in the town nor ever to leave it) " began to learn
how su!h a thing might happen during the time " was living in a small ba!'stairs apartment on the
ground floor of a large rooming house lo!ated in one of the oldest parts of town)
"t was the middle of the night, and " had :ust awa'ened in my bed) More pre!isely, " had started into
.ake$ulness, mu!h as " had done throughout my life) This habit of starting into wa'efulness in the
middle of the night enabled me to be!ome aware, on that parti!ular night, of a soft droning sound
whi!h filled my small, oneEroom apartment and whi!h " might not have heard had " been the sort of
person who remains asleep all night long) The sound was emanating from under the floorboards and
rose up to reverberate in the moonlit dar'ness of the entire room) After a few moments sitting up in
my bed, and then getting out of bed to step ;uietly around my small apartment, it seemed to me that
the soft droning sound " heard was made by a voi!e, a very deep voi!e, whi!h spo'e as if it were
delivering a le!ture of some 'ind or addressing an audien!e with the selfEassured infle!tions of
authority) >et " !ould not dis!ern a single word of what the voi!e was saying, only its droning
intonations and its deeply reverberant ;uality as it rose up from beneath the floorboards of my small
ba!'stairs apartment)
8ntil that night " had not suspe!ted that there was a !ellar below the rooming house where " lived
on the ground floor) " was even less prepared to dis!over, as " eventually did, that hidden under a
small, wornEdown !arpet, whi!h was the only floor !overing in my room, was a trap door D an
a!!ess, it seemed, to whatever basement or !ellar might have e(isted Hbeyond all my suspi!ionsI
below the large rooming house) %ut there was something else unusual about this trap door, aside
from its very presen!e in my small apartment room and the fa!t that it implied the e(isten!e of some
type of roomingEhouse !ellar) Although the trap door was somehow set into the floorboards of my
room, it did not in any way appear to be o$ a 0iece with them) The trap door, as " thought of it, did
not at all seem to be !onstru!ted of wood but of something that was more of a leathery !onsisten!y,
all withered and warped and !ra!'ed in pla!es as though it did not fit in with the roughly parallel
lines of the floorboards in my room but !learly opposed them both in its shape and its angles, whi!h
were highly irregular by any standards that might !on!eivably apply to a roomingEhouse trap door) "
!ould not even say if this leathery trap door had four sides to it or possibly five sides or more, so
elusive and misshapen was its !rude and shriveled !onstru!tion, at least as " saw it in the moonlight
after starting into wa'efulness in my small ba!'stairs apartment) >et " was absolutely !ertain that
the deeply reverberant voi!e whi!h !ontinued to drone on and on as " inspe!ted the trap door was in
fa!t emanating from a pla!e, a !ellar or basement of some 'ind, dire!tly below my room) " 'new
this to be true be!ause " pla!ed my hand, very briefly, on the trap door*s leathery and irregular
surfa!e, and in that moment " !ould feel that it was 0ulsin! in a way that !orresponded to the for!e
and rhythms of the voi!e whi!h e!hoed its inde!ipherable words throughout the rest of that night,
fading only moments before daylight)
&aving remained awa'e for most of the night, " left my ba!'stairs apartment and began to wander
the streets of the northern border town on a !old and over!ast morning in late autumn) Throughout
the whole of that day " saw the town, where " had already lived for some time, under an aspe!t " had
not 'nown before) " have stated that this town near the northern border was a pla!e where " had
assumed " would one day die, and " may even say it was a pla!e where " a!tually desired to ma'e an
end of it, or su!h was the intention or wish that " entertained at !ertain times and in !ertain pla!es,
in!luding my residen!e in one of the oldest se!tions of the town) %ut as " wandered the streets on
that over!ast morning in late autumn, and throughout the day, my entire sense of my surroundings,
as well as my intuition that my e(isten!e would be terminated within those surroundings, had
be!ome altered in a !ompletely une(pe!ted manner) The town had, of !ourse, always displayed
!ertain pe!uliar and often profoundly surprising ;ualities and features) Sooner or later everyone
who was a permanent resident there was !onfronted with something of a nearly insupportable
oddity or !orruption)
As " wandered along one byway or another throughout that morning and into late afternoon, "
re!alled a spe!ifi! street near the edge of town, a deadEend street where all the houses and other
buildings seemed to have grown into one another, melding their diverse materials into a biFarre and
:agged !onglomerate of massive ar!hite!tural proportions, with pea'ed roofs and soaring !himneys
or towers visibly swaying and audibly moaning even in the !alm of an early summer twilight) " had
thought that this was the absolute limit, only to find out at e(a!tly the moment of having this
thought that there was something further involved with this street, something that !aused persons
living in the area to repeat a spe!ial slogan or in!antation to whomever would listen) When +ou hear
the sin!in!, they said, +ou .ill kno. it is time) These words were spo'en, and " heard them myself,
as if the persons uttering them were attempting to absolve or prote!t themselves in some way that
was beyond any further e(pli!ation) And whether or not one heard the singing or had ever heard
what was !alled the sin!in!, and whether or not that obs!ure and unspea'able time ever !ame, or
would ever !ome to those who arrived in that street with its houses and other buildings all mingled
together and tumbling into the s'y, there nevertheless remained within you the feeling that this was
still the pla!e D the town near the northern border D where you !ame to live and where you might
believe you would be a permanent resident until either you !hose to leave it or until you died,
possibly by violent misadventure or some wasting disease, if not by your own hand) >et on that
over!ast morning in late autumn " !ould no longer maintain this feeling, not after having started into
wa'efulness the night before, not after having heard that droning voi!e whi!h delivered some
in!omprehensible sermon for hours on end, and not after having seen that leathery trap door whi!h "
pla!ed my hand upon for only a brief moment and thereafter retreated to the furthest !orner of my
small apartment until daylight)
And " was not the only one to noti!e a !hange within the town, as " dis!overed when twilight drew
on and more of us began to !olle!t on street !orners or in ba!' alleys, as well as in abandoned
storefront rooms or old offi!e buildings where most of the furniture was badly bro'en and outEofE
date !alendars hung !roo'ed on the walls) "t was diffi!ult for some persons to refrain from
observing that there seemed to be fewer of us as the shadows of twilight gathered that day) .ven
Mrs $limm, whose lodging houseEplusEbrothel was as populous as ever with its outEofEtown
!lientele, said that among the permanent residents of the northern border town there was a
Bnoti!eably diminished* number of persons)
A man named Mr Pell Hsometimes %octor PellI was to my 'nowledge the first to use the word
Bdisappearan!es* in order to illuminate, during the !ourse of one of our twilight gatherings, the
!ause of the town*s slightly redu!ed population) &e was sitting in the shadows on the other side of
an overturned des' or boo'!ase, so his words were not entirely audible as he whispered them in the
dire!tion of a dar'ened doorway, perhaps spea'ing to someone who was standing, or possibly lying
down, in the dar'ness beyond the aperture) %ut on!e this !on!ept D of Bdisappearan!es,* that is D had
been introdu!ed, it seemed that ;uite a few persons had something to say on the sub:e!t, espe!ially
those who had lived in the town longer than most of us or who had lived in the oldest parts of the
town for more years than " had) "t was from one of the latter, a veteran of all 'inds of hysteria, that "
learned about the demoni! prea!her everend Cor', whose sermoniFing " had apparently heard
during the previous night as it reverberated through the leathery trap door in my apartment room)
B>ou didn*t happen to open that trap door, did youK* the old hysteri! as'ed in a somewhat !oy tone
of voi!e) 6e were sitting, :ust the two of us, on some wooden !rates we had found in the opening to
a narrow alley) BTell me,* he urged as the light from a streetlamp shone upon his thin fa!e in the
dar'ening twilight) BTell me that you didn*t :ust ta'e a little pee' inside that trap door)* " then told
him " had done nothing of the sort) Suddenly he began to laugh hysteri!ally in a voi!e that was both
highEpit!hed and e(tremely !oarse) BOf !ourse you didn*t ta'e a little pee' inside the trap door,* he
said when he finally settled down) B"f you had, then you wouldn*tbe here with me, you would be
there with him)*
The anti!s and !oy tone of the old hysteri! notwithstanding, there was a meaning in his words that
resonated with my e(perien!e in my apartment room and also with my per!eption that day of a
profound !hange in the town near the northern border) At first " tended to !on!eive of the figure of
everend Cor' as a spirit of the dead, someone who had Bdisappeared* by wholly natural means) "n
these terms " was able to thin' of myself as having been the vi!tim of a haunting at the large
rooming house where, no doubt, many persons had ended their lives in one way or another) This
metaphysi!al framewor' seemed to apply ni!ely to my re!ent e(perien!es and did not !onfli!t with
what " had been told in that narrow alley as twilight turned into evening) " was indeed here, in the
northern border town with the old hysteri!, and not there, in the land of the dead with everend
Cor' the demoni! prea!her)
%ut as the night wore on, and " moved among other residents of the town who had lived there far
longer than ", it be!ame evident that everend Cor', whose voi!e " had heard Bprea!hing* the night
before, was neither dead, in the usual sense of the word, nor among those who had only re!ently
Bdisappeared,* many of whom, " learned, had not disappeared in any mysterious way at all but had
simply abandoned the northern border town without notifying anyone) They had made this hasty
e(odus, a!!ording to several hysteri!s or impostors " spo'e with that night, be!ause they had Bseen
the signs,* even as " had seen that leathery trap door whose e(isten!e in my apartment room was
previously and entirely unsuspe!ted)
Although " had not re!ogniFed it as su!h, this trap door, whi!h appeared to lead to a !ellar beneath
the rooming house where " lived, was among the most typi!al of the soE!alled Bsigns)* All of them,
as numerous persons hysteri!ally avowed, were indi!ations of some type of threshold D doorways or
passages that one should be !autious not to enter, or even to approa!h) Most of these signs, in fa!t,
too' the form of doors of various types, parti!ularly those whi!h might be found in odd, outEofEtheE
way pla!es, su!h as a miniature door at the ba!' of a broom !loset or a door appearing on the inner
wall of a firepla!e, and even doors that might not seem to lead to any sensible spa!e, as would be
the !ase with a trap door in an apartment on the ground floor of a rooming house that did not have a
!ellar, nor had ever had one that !ould be a!!essed in su!h a way) " did hear about other su!h
BthresholdEsigns,* in!luding window frames in the most ;ueer lo!ations, stairways that spiraled
downward into depths beneath a !ommon basement or led below ground level along lonely
sidewal's, and even entran!es to streets that were not formerly 'nown to e(ist, with perhaps a
narrow gate swinging open in temptation)
>et all of these signs or thresholds gave themselves away by their distin!tive appearan!e, whi!h,
a!!ording to many of those 'nowledgeable of su!h things, was very mu!h li'e that withered and
leathery appearan!e of the trap door in my apartment room, not to mention displaying the same 'ind
of shapes and angles that were stri'ingly at odds with their surroundings)
/evertheless, there were still those who, for one reason or another, !hose to ignore the signs or were
unable to resist the enti!ements of thresholds that simply !ropped up overnight in the most
unforeseen pla!es around the northern border town) To all appearan!es, at that point, the demoni!
prea!her everend Cor' had been one of the persons who had Bdisappeared* in this way) " now
be!ame aware, as the evening progressed into a brilliantly starEfilled night, that " had not been the
vi!tim of a hauntin!, as " had earlier supposed, but had a!tually witnessed a phenomenon of ;uite a
different sort)
BThe reverend has been gone sin!e the last disappearan!es,* said an old woman whose fa!e " !ould
barely see in the !andlelight that illuminated the enormous, e!hoing lobby of a defun!t hotel where
some of us had gathered after midnight) %ut someone too' issue with the old woman, or BidiotEhag,*
as this person !alled her) The prea!her, this other person !ontended in e(a!tly the following words,
was old to.n) This was my first e(posure to the phrase Bold town,* but before " !ould ta'e in its full
meaning or impli!ations it began to undergo a metamorphosis among those gathered after midnight
in the lobby of that defun!t hotel) 6hile the person who !alled the old woman an idiotEhag
!ontinued to spea' of the Bold town,* where he said everend Cor' resided or was originally $rom,
the old woman and a few of those who sided with her spo'e only about the other town) B/o one is
$rom the other town,* the woman said to the person who was !alling her an idiotEhag) BThere are
only those who disappear into the other town, among them the demoni! prea!her everend Cor',
who may have been a ludi!rous impostor but was never what anyone would !all demonic until he
disappeared into that trap door in the room where this gentleman,* she said, referring to me, Bheard
him prea!hing only last night)*
B>ou idiotEhag,* said the other person, Bthe old town e(isted on the very spot where this northern
border town now e(ists ) ) ) until the day when it disappeared, along with everyone who lived in it,
in!luding the demoni! prea!her everend Cor')*
Then someone else, who was lying deep in the !ushions of an old divan in the lobby, added the
following wordsJ B"t was a demon to.n and was inhabited by demoni! entities of all sorts who made
the whole thing invisible) /ow they throw out these thresholds as a way to lure another group of us
who only want to live in this town near the northern border and not in some intolerable demon
town)*
/onetheless, the old woman and the few others who sided with her persisted in spea'ing not about
an old to.n or an invisible demon to.n, but about the other town, whi!h, they all agreed, never had
any !on!rete e(isten!e to spea' of, but was simply a metaphysi!al ba!'drop to the northern border
town that we all 'new and that was a pla!e where many of us fervently desired to ma'e an end of
our lives) 6hatever the fa!ts in this matter, one point was hammered into my brain over and over
againJ there was simply no pea!e to be had no matter where you hid yourself away) .ven in a
northern border town of su!h intensely !haoti! oddity and !orruption there was still some greater
!haos, some deeper insanity, than one had !ounted on, or !ould ever be ta'en into a!!ount D
wherever there was anything, there would be !haos and insanity to su!h a degree that one !ould
never !ome to terms with it, and it was only a matter of time before your world, whatever you
thought it to be, was undermined, if not !ompletely overrun, by another world)
Throughout the late hours of that night the debates and theories and fine ;ualifi!ations !ontinued
regarding the spe!tral towns and the tangible thresholds that served to redu!e the number of
permanent residents of the northern border town, either by !ausing them to disappear through some
outEofEtheEway door or window or down a spiraling stairway or phantom street, or by for!ing them
to abandon the town be!ause, for whatever reason, it had be!ome, or seemed to be!ome, something
;uite different from the pla!e they had 'nown it to be, or believed it to be, for so long) 6hether or
not they arrived at a resolution of their !onfli!ting views " will never 'now, sin!e " left the defun!t
hotel while the dis!ussion was still going strong) %ut " did not go ba!' to my small apartment in one
of the oldest parts of town) "nstead " wandered out to the hilltop graveyard outside of town and
stood among the graves until the following morning, whi!h was as !old and over!ast as the one
before it) " 'new then that " would not die in the northern border town, either by means of a violent
misadventure or a wasting disease, or even by my own hand, and therefore " would not be buried in
the hilltop graveyard where " stood that morning loo'ing down on the pla!e where " had lived for so
long) " had already wandered the streets of the northern border town for the last time and found, for
whatever reason, that they had be!ome something different from what they had been, or had on!e
seemed to be) This was the only thing that was now !ertain in my mind) #or a moment " !onsidered
returning to the town and see'ing out one of the newly appeared thresholds in order to enter it
before all of them mysteriously disappeared again, so that " might disappear along with them into
the other town, or the old town, where perhaps " might find on!e more what " seemed to have lost in
the northern border town) Possibly there might have been something there D on the other side of the
town D that was li'e the deadEend street where, it was said, B6hen you hear the singing, you will
'now it is time)* And while " might never be able to die in the town near the northern border, neither
would " ever have to leave it) To have su!h thoughts was, of !ourse, only more !haos and insanity)
%ut " had not slept for two nights) " was tired and felt the a!he of every bro'en dream " had ever
!arried within me) Perhaps " would one day see' out another town in another land where " !ould
ma'e an end of it, or at least where " !ould wait in a fatalisti! delirium for the end to !ome) /ow it
was time to :ust wal' away in silen!e)
>ears later " learned there was a movement to B!lean up* the northern border town of what was
elsewhere per!eived to be its B!ontaminated* elements) On arriving in the town, however, the
investigators assigned to this tas' dis!overed a pla!e that was all but deserted, the only remaining
residents being a few hysteri!s or impostors who muttered endlessly about Bother towns* or Bdemon
towns,* and even of an Bold town)* Among these individuals was a large and gaudily attired old
woman who styled herself as the owner of a lodging house and several other properties) These
venues, she said, along with many others throughout the town, had been rendered uninhabitable and
useless for any pra!ti!al purpose) This statement seemed to !apsuliFe the findings of the
investigators, who ultimately !omposed a report that was dismissive of any threat that might be
posed by the town near the northern border, whi!h, whatever else it may have been, or seemed to
be, was always a genius of the most insidious illusions)
T&. DAMA$.D A/D T&. D"S.AS.D
T.ATO $OTT.SCO
The first thing " learned was that no one antici0ates the arrival of the Teatro) One would not say, or
even thin', BThe Teatro has never !ome to this !ity D it seems we*re due for a visit,* or perhaps,
BDon*t be surprised when youE'nowEwhat turns up) "t*s been years sin!e the last time)* .ven if the
!ity in whi!h one lives is e(a!tly the 'ind of pla!e favored by the Teatro, there !an be no basis for
predi!ting its appearan!e) /o warnings are given, no fanfare to announ!e that a Teatro season is
about to begin, or that another season of that sort will soon be upon us) %ut if a parti!ular !ity
possesses what is sometimes !alled an Bartisti! underworld,* and if one is in !lose tou!h with this
so!iety of artists, the !han!es are optimal for being among those who dis!over that things have
already started) This is the most one !an e(pe!t)
#or a time it was all rumors and lore, hearsay and dreams) Anyone who failed to show up for a few
days at the usual !lub or boo'store or spe!ial artisti! event was the sub:e!t of spe!ulation) %ut most
of the !rowd " am referring to led highly unstable, even pre!arious lives) Any of them might have
pa!'ed up and disappeared without notifying a single soul) And almost all of the supposedly
Bmissing ones* were, at some point, seen again) One su!h person was a filmma'er whose short
movie &rivate Hell served as the featured sub:e!t of a lo!al oneEnight festival) %ut he was nowhere
to be seen either during the e(hibition or at the party afterward) B$one with the Teatro,* someone
said with a blasN 'nowingness, while others smiled and !lin'ed glasses in a sardoni! farewell toast)
>et only a wee' later the filmma'er was spotted in one of the ba!' rows of a pornographi! theater)
&e later e(plained his absen!e by insisting he had been in the hospital following a thorough beating
at the hands of some people he had been filming who did not !onsent or desire to be filmed) This
sounded plausible, given the sub:e!t matter of the man*s wor') %ut for some reason no one believed
his hospital story, despite the eviden!e of bandages he was still re;uired to wear) B"t has to be the
Teatro,* argued a woman who always dressed in shades of purple and who was a good friend of the
filmma'er) BHis stuff and Teatro stuff,* she said, holding up two !rossed fingers for everyone to see)
%ut what was meant by BTeatro stuff*K This was a phrase " heard spo'en by a number of persons,
not all of them artists of a pretentious or selfEdramatiFing type) Certainly there is no shortage of
ane!dotes that have been passed around whi!h purport to illuminate the nature and wor'ings of this
B!ruel troupe,* an epithet used by those who are too superstitious to invo'e the Teatro $rottes!o by
name) %ut sorting out these a!!ounts into a !oherent 0ro$ile, never mind their truth value, is another
thing altogether)
#or instan!e, the purple woman " mentioned earlier held us all spellbound one evening with a story
about her !ousin*s roommate, a selfEstyled Bvis!eral artist* who wor'ed the night shift as a sto!'
!ler' for a supermar'et !hain in the suburbs) On a De!ember morning, about an hour before sunEup,
the artist was released from wor' and began his wal' home through a narrow alley that ran behind
several blo!'s of various stores and businesses along the suburb*s main avenue) A light snow had
fallen during the night, settling evenly upon the pavement of the alley and glowing in the light of a
full moon whi!h seemed to hover :ust at the alley*s end) The artist saw a figure in the distan!e, and
something about this figure, this winterEmorning vision, made him pause for a moment and stare)
Although he had a trained eye for siFing and perspe!tive, the artist found this silhouette of a person
in the distan!e of the alley intensely problemati!) &e !ould not tell if it was short or tall, or even if it
was moving D either toward him or away from him D or was standing still) Then, in a moment of
hallu!inated wonder, the figure stood before him in the middle of the alley)
The moonlight illuminated a little man who was entirely un!lothed and who held out both of his
hands as if he were grasping at a desired ob:e!t :ust out of his rea!h) %ut the artist saw that
something was wrong with these hands) 6hile the little man*s body was pale, his hands were dar'
and were too large for the tiny arms on whi!h they hung) At first the artist believed the little man to
be wearing oversiFed mittens) &is hands seemed to be !overed by some 'ind of fuFF, :ust as the
alley in whi!h he stood was layered with the fuFFiness of the snow that had fallen during the night)
&is hands loo'ed soft and fuFFy li'e the snow, e(!ept that the snow was white and his hands were
bla!')
"n the moonlight the artist !ame to see that the mittens worn by this little man were more li'e the
paws of an animal) "t almost made sense to the artist to have thought that the little man*s hands were
a!tually paws whi!h had only appeared to be two bla!' mittens) Then ea!h of the paws separated
into long thin fingers that wriggled wildly in the moonlight) %ut they !ould not have been the
fingers of a hand, be!ause there were too many of them) So what appeared to be fingers !ould not
have been fingers, :ust as the hands were not in fa!t hands nor the paws really paws D no more than
they were mittens) And all of this time the little man was be!oming smaller and smaller in the
moonlight of that alley, as if he were moving into the distan!e far away from the artist who was
hypnotiFed by this vision) #inally a little voi!e spo'e whi!h the artist !ould barely hear, and it said
to himJ B" !annot 'eep them away from me anymore, " am be!oming so small and wea')* These
words suddenly made this whole winterEmorning s!enario into something that was too mu!h even
for the selfEstyled Bvis!eral artist)*
"n the po!'et of his !oat the artist had a tool whi!h he used for !utting open bo(es at the
supermar'et) &e had !ut into flesh in the past, and, with the moonlight glaring upon the snow of
that alley, the artist made a few stro'es whi!h turned that white world red) 8nder the !ir!umstan!es
what he had done seemed perfe!tly :ustified to the artist, even an a!t of mer!y) The man was
be!oming so small)
Afterward the artist ran through the alley without stopping until he rea!hed the rented house where
he lived with his roommate) "t was she who telephoned the poli!e, saying there was a body lying in
the snow at su!h and su!h a pla!e and then hanging up without giving her name) #or days, wee's,
the artist and his roommate sear!hed the lo!al newspapers for some word of the e(traordinary thing
the poli!e must have found in that alley) %ut nothing ever appeared)
B>ou see how these in!idents are hushed up,* the purple woman whispered to us) BThe poli!e 'now
what is going on) There are even s0ecial 0olice for dealing with su!h matters) %ut nothing is made
publi!, no one is ;uestioned) And yet, after that morning in the alley, my !ousin and her roommate
!ame under surveillan!e and were followed everywhere by unmar'ed !ars) %e!ause these spe!ial
poli!emen 'now that it is artists, or highly artisti! persons, who are a00roached by the Teatro) And
they 'now whom to wat!h after something has happened) "t is said that these poli!e may be party to
the deeds of that R!ompany of nightmares)S*
%ut none of us believed a word of this Teatro ane!dote told by the purple woman, :ust as none of us
believed the purple woman*s friend, the filmma'er, when he denied all innuendos that !onne!ted
him to the Teatro) On the one hand, our imaginations had sided with this woman when she asserted
that her friend, the !reator of the short movie &rivate Hell, was somehow in league with the TeatroC
on the other hand, we were mo!'ingly dubious of the story about her !ousin*s roommate, the selfE
styled vis!eral artist, and his en!ounter in the snowE!overed alley)
This divided rea!tion was not as natural as it seemed) /ever mind that the !ase of the filmma'er
was more !redible than that of the vis!eral artist, if only be!ause the first story was la!'ing the
e(travagant details whi!h burdened the se!ond) 8ntil then we had un!riti!ally relished all we had
heard about the Teatro, no matter how biFarre these a!!ounts may have been and no matter how
mu!h they opposed a verifiable truth or even a !oherent portrayal of this phenomenon) As artists we
suspe!ted that it was in our interest to have our heads filled with all 'inds of Teatro !raFiness) .ven
", a writer of nihilisti! prose wor's, savored the in!onsisten!y and the flamboyant absurdity of what
was told to me a!ross a table in a ;uiet library or a noisy !lub) "n a word, " delighted in the unrealit+
of the Teatro stories) The truth they !arried, if any, was immaterial) And we never ;uestioned any of
them until the purple woman related the episode of the vis!eral artist and the small man in the alley)
&owever, this new disbelief was not in the least inspired by our sense of reason or reality) "t was in
fa!t based solely on fearC it was driven by the will to negate what one fears) /o one gives up on
something until it turns on them, whether or not that thing is real or unreal) "n some way all of this
Teatro business had finally worn upon our nervesC the balan!e had been tipped between a madness
that into(i!ated us and one that began to mena!e our minds) As for the woman who always dressed
herself in shades of purple ) ) ) we avoided her) "t would have been typi!al of the Teatro, someone
said, to use a person li'e that for their purposes)
Perhaps our :udgment of the purple woman was unfair) /o doubt her theories !on!erning the
Bapproa!h of the Teatro* made us all uneasy) %ut was this reason enough to !ast her out from that
artisti! underworld whi!h was the only so!iety available to herK Li'e many so!ieties, of !ourse,
ours was founded on fearful superstition, and this is always reason enough for any 'ind of behavior)
She had been permanently stigmatiFed by too !losely asso!iating herself with something un!lean in
its essen!e) %e!ause even after her theories were dis!redited by a newly !ir!ulated Teatro tale, her
status did not improve)
" am now referring to a story that was going around in whi!h an artist was not a00roached by the
Teatro but rather too' the first step to.ard the Teatro, as if a!ting under the impulse of a sovereign
will)
The artist in this !ase was a photographer of the "EamEaE!amera type) &e was a studiedly bloodless
spe!imen who ;uite often, and for no apparent reason, would begin to stare at someone and to
!ontinue staring until that person rea!ted in some manner, usually by fleeing the s!ene but on
o!!asion by assaulting the photographer, who invariably pressed !harges) "t was therefore not
entirely surprising to learn that he tried to engage the servi!es of the Teatro in the way he did, for it
was his belief that this !ruel troupe !ould be hired to, in the photographer*s words, Butterly destroy
someone)* And the person he wished to destroy was his landlord, a small balding man with a
musta!he who, after the photographer had moved out of his apartment, refused to remit his se!urity
deposit, perhaps with good reason but perhaps not)
"n any !ase, the photographer, whose name in!identally was Spen!e, made in;uiries about the
Teatro over a period of some months) #ollowing up every s!rap of information, no matter how
obs!ure or suspe!t, the tena!ious Spen!e ultimately arrived in the shopping distri!t of an old suburb
where there was a twoEstory building that rented spa!e to various persons and businesses, in!luding
a small video store, a dentist, and, as it was spelled out on the building*s dire!tory, the Theatre
$rottes!o) At the ba!' of the first floor, dire!tly below a studio for dan!ing instru!tion, was a small
suite of offi!es whose glass door displayed some sten!illed lettering that readJ tg ventures) Seated at
a des' in the re!eption area behind the glass door was a young woman with long bla!' hair and
bla!'Erimmed eyeglasses) She was thoroughly engrossed in writing something on a small blan'
!ard, several more of whi!h were spread a!ross her des') The way Spen!e told it, he was undeterred
by all appearan!es that seemed to suggest the Teatro, or Theatre, was not what he assumed it was)
&e entered the re!eption area of the offi!e, stood before the des' of the young woman, and
introdu!ed himself by name and o!!upation, believing it important to !ommuni!ate as soon as
possible his identity as an artist, or at least imply as best he !ould that he was a highly artisti!
photographer, whi!h undoubtedly he was) 6hen the young woman ad:usted her eyeglasses and
as'ed, B&ow !an " help youK* the photographer Spen!e leaned toward her and whispered, B" would
li'e to enlist the servi!es of the Teatro, or Theatre if you li'e)* 6hen the re!eptionist as'ed what he
was planning, the photographer answered, BTo utterly destroy someone)* The young woman was
absolutely unflustered, a!!ording to Spen!e, by this de!laration) She began !almly gathering the
small blan' !ards that were spread a!ross her des' and, while doing this, e(plained that T$
+entures was, in her words, an Bentertainment servi!e)* After pla!ing the small blan' !ards to one
side, she removed from her des' a folded bro!hure outlining the nature of the business, whi!h
provided !lowns, magi!ians, and novelty performan!es for a variety of o!!asions, their spe!ialty
being !hildren*s parties)
As Spen!e studied the bro!hure, the re!eptionist pla!idly sat with her hands folded and gaFed at him
from within the bla!' frames of her eyeglasses) The light in that suburban offi!e suite was bright
but not harshC the pale walls were in!redibly !lean and the !arpeting, in Spen!e*s des!ription, was
!onspi!uously new and displayed the e(a!t shade of purple found in turnips) The photographer said
that he felt as if he were standing in a mirage) BThis is all a front,* Spen!e finally said, throwing the
bro!hure on the re!eptionist*s des') %ut the young woman only pi!'ed up the bro!hure and pla!ed it
ba!' in the same drawer from whi!h it had !ome) B6hat*s behind that doorK* Spen!e demanded,
pointing a!ross the room) And :ust as he pointed at that door there was a sound on the other side of
it, a brief rumbling as if something heavy had :ust fallen to the floor) BThe dan!ing !lasses,* said the
re!eptionist, her right inde( finger pointing up at the floor above) BPerhaps,* Spen!e allowed, but he
!laimed that this sound that he heard, whi!h he des!ribed as having an Babysmal resonan!e,* !aused
a sudden rise of pani! within him) &e tried not to move from where he was standing, but his body
was overwhelmed by the impulse to leave that suite of offi!es) The photographer turned away from
the re!eptionist and saw his refle!tion in the glass door) She was wat!hing him from behind the
lenses of bla!'Eframed eyeglasses, and the sten!illed lettering on the glass door read ba!'ward, as if
in a mirror) A few se!onds later Spen!e was outside the building in the old suburb) All the way
home, he asserted, his heart was pounding)
The following day Spen!e paid a visit to his landlord*s pla!e of business, whi!h was a tiny offi!e in
a seedy downtown building) &aving given up on the Teatro, he would have to deal in his own way
with this man who would not return his se!urity deposit) Spen!e*s strategy was to plant himself in
his landlord*s offi!e and stare him into submission with a photographer*s unnerving gaFe) After he
arrived at his landlord*s rented offi!e on the si(th floor of what was a thoroughly depressing
downtown building, Spen!e seated himself in a !hair loo'ing a!ross a filthy des' at a small balding
man with a musta!he) %ut the man merely loo'ed ba!' at the photographer) To ma'e things worse,
the landlord Hwhose name was &erman Pi!'I would lean toward Spen!e every so often and in a
;uiet voi!e say, B"t*s all perfe!tly legal, you 'now)* Then Spen!e would !ontinue his staring, whi!h
he was frustrated to find ineffe!tive against this man Pi!', who of !ourse was not an artist, nor even
a highly artisti! person, as were the usual vi!tims of the photographer) Thus the battle 'ept up for
almost an hour, the landlord saying, B"t*s all perfe!tly legal,* and Spen!e trying to hold a fi(ed gaFe
upon the man he wished to utterly destroy)
8ltimately Spen!e was the first to lose !ontrol) &e :umped out of the !hair in whi!h he was sitting
and began to shout in!oherently at the landlord) On!e Spen!e was on his feet, Pi!' swiftly
maneuvered around the des' and physi!ally evi!ted the photographer from the tiny offi!e, lo!'ing
him out in the hallway) Spen!e said that he was in the hallway for only a se!ond or two when the
doors opened to the elevator that was dire!tly a!ross from Pi!'*s si(thEfloor offi!e) Out of the
elevator !ompartment stepped a middleEaged man in a dar' suit and bla!'Eframed eyeglasses) &e
wore a full, wellEgroomed beard whi!h, Spen!e observed, was slightly strea'ed with gray) "n his left
hand the gentleman was !lut!hing a !rumpled brown bag, holding it a few in!hes in front of him)
&e wal'ed up to the door of the landlord*s offi!e and with his right hand grasped the round bla!'
door'nob, :iggling it ba!' and forth several times) There was a loud !li!' that e!hoed down the
hallway of that old downtown building) The gentleman turned his head and loo'ed at Spen!e for the
first time, smiling briefly before admitting himself to the offi!e of &erman Pi!')
Again the photographer e(perien!ed that surge of pani! he had felt the day before when he visited
the suburban offi!es of T$ +entures) &e pushed the down button for the elevator, and while waiting
he listened at the door of the landlord*s offi!e) 6hat he heard, Spen!e !laimed, was that terrible
sound that had sent him running out into the street from T$ +entures, that Babysmal resonan!e,* as
he defined it) Suddenly the gentleman with the wellEgroomed beard and bla!'Erimmed glasses
emerged from the tiny offi!e) The door to the elevator had :ust opened, and the man wal'ed straight
past Spen!e to board the empty !ompartment) Spen!e himself did not get in the elevator but stood
outside, helplessly staring at the bearded gentleman, who was still holding that small !rumpled bag)
A split se!ond before the elevator doors slid !losed, the gentleman loo'ed dire!tly at Spen!e and
win'ed at him) "t was the assertion of the photographer that this win', e(e!uted from behind a pair
of bla!'Eframed eyeglasses, made a me!hani!al !li!'ing sound whi!h e!hoed down the dim
hallway) Prior to his e(it from the old downtown building, leaving by way of the stairs rather than
the elevator, Spen!e tried the door to his landlord*s offi!e) &e found it unlo!'ed and !autiously
stepped inside) %ut there was no one on the other side of the door)
The !on!lusion to the photographer*s adventure too' pla!e a full wee' later) Delivered by regular
post to his mail bo( was a small s;uare envelope with no return address) "nside was a photograph)
&e brought this item to Des .sseintes* Library, a boo'store where several of us were giving a lateE
night reading of our latest literary efforts) A number of persons belonging to the lo!al artisti!
underworld, in!luding myself, saw the photograph and heard Spen!e*s rather franti! a!!ount of the
events surrounding it) The photo was of Spen!e himself staring star'Eeyed into the !amera, whi!h
apparently had ta'en the shot from inside an elevator, a panel of numbered buttons being partially
visible along the rightEhand border of the pi!ture) B" !ould see no !amera,* Spen!e 'ept repeating)
B%ut that win' he gave me ) ) ) and what*s written on the reverse side of this thing)* Turning over the
photo Spen!e read aloud the following handwritten ins!riptionJ BThe little man is so mu!h littler
these days) Soon he will 'now about the soft bla!' stars) And your payment is past due)* Someone
then as'ed Spen!e what they had to say about all this at the offi!es of T$ +entures) The
photographer*s head swivelled slowly in e(asperated negation) B/ot there anymore,* he said over
and over) 6ith the single e(!eption of myself, that night at Des .sseintes* Library was the last time
anyone would see Spen!e)
After the photographer !eased to show up at the usual meeting pla!es and spe!ial artisti! events,
there were no !ute remar's about his having Bgone with the Teatro)* 6e were all of us beyond that
stage) " was perversely proud to note that a degree of philosophi!al maturity had now developed
among those in the artisti! underworld of whi!h " was a part) There is nothing li'e fear to
!ompli!ate one*s !ons!iousness, indu!ing previously un'nown levels of refle!tion) 8nder su!h
mental stress " began to organiFe my own thoughts and observations about the Teatro, spe!ifi!ally
as this phenomenon related to the artists who seemed to be its sole ob:e!ts of attention)
6hether or not an artist was approa!hed by the Teatro or too' the initiative to approa!h the Teatro
himself, it seemed the effe!t was the sameJ the end of an artist*s wor') " myself verified this fa!t as
thoroughly as " !ould) The filmma'er whose short movie &rivate Hell so many of us admired had,
by all a!!ounts, be!ome a fullEtime dealer in pornographi! videos, none of them his own
produ!tions) The selfEnamed vis!eral artist had publi!ly !alled an end to those stunts of his whi!h
had gained him a modest underground reputation) A!!ording to his roommate, the purple woman*s
!ousin, he was now managing the supermar'et where he had formerly labored as a sto!' !ler') As
for the purple woman herself, who was never mu!h praised as an artist and whose renown
effe!tively began and ended with the B!igar bo( assemblage* phase of her !areer, she had gone into
selling real estate, an o!!upation in whi!h she be!ame ;uite a su!!ess) This roster of e(Eartists !ould
be e(tended !onsiderably, " am sure of that) %ut for the purposes of this report or !onfession Hor
whatever else you would li'e to !all itI " must end my list of noElongerEartisti! persons with myself,
while attempting to offer some insights into the manner in whi!h the Teatro $rottes!o !ould
transform a writer of nihilisti! prose wor's into a nonEartisti!, more spe!ifi!ally a 0ost/artistic
being)
"t was after the disappearan!e of the photographer Spen!e that my intuitions !on!erning the Teatro
began to !rystalliFe and be!ome e(pli!it thoughts, a dubious pro!ess but one to whi!h " am
ines!apably sub:e!t as a prose writer) 8ntil that point in time, everyone ta!itly assumed that there
was an intima!y of kind between the Teatro and the artists who were either approa!hed by the
Teatro or themselves approa!hed this !ruel troupe by means of some overture, as in the !ase of
Spen!e, or perhaps by gestures more subtle, even purely noeti! H" retreat from writing unconscious,
although others might argue with my intelle!tual reserveI) Many of us even spo'e of the Teatro as a
manifestation of superEart, a term whi!h we always left !onveniently nebulous) &owever, following
the disappearan!e of the photographer, all 'nowledge " had a!;uired about the Teatro, fragmentary
as it was, be!ame !onfigured in a !ompletely new pattern) " mean to say that " no longer !onsidered
it possible that the Teatro was in any way related to a superEart, or to an art of any 'ind D ;uite the
opposite in fa!t) To my mind the Teatro was, and is, a phenomenon intensely destru!tive of
everything that " !on!eived of as art) Therefore, the Teatro was, and is, intensely destru!tive of all
artists and even of highly artisti! persons) 6hether this destru!tive for!e is a matter of intention or
is an epiphenomenon of some unrelated, perhaps greater design, or even if there e(ists anything li'e
an intention or design on the part of the Teatro, " have no idea Hat least none " !an elaborate in
!omprehensible termsI) /onetheless, " feel !ertain that for an artist to en!ounter the Teatro there !an
be only one !onse;uen!eJ the end of that artist*s wor') Strange, then, that 'nowing this fa!t " still
a!ted as " did)
" !annot say if it was " who approa!hed the Teatro or vi!e versa, as if any of that stupidness made a
differen!e) The important thing is that from the moment " per!eived the Teatro to be a profoundly
antiEartisti! phenomenon " !on!eived the ambition to ma'e my form of art, by whi!h " mean my
nihilisti! prose writings, into an anti/Teatro phenomenon) "n order to do this, of !ourse, " re;uired a
penetrating 'nowledge of the Teatro $rottes!o, or of some signifi!ant aspe!t of that !ruel troupe, an
insight of a deeply subtle, even dreamli'e variety into its nature and wor'ings)
The photographer Spen!e had made a great visionary advan!e when he intuited that it was in the
nature of the Teatro to a!t on his re;uest to utterly destroy someone Halthough the e(a!t meaning of
the statement Bhe will 'now about the soft bla!' stars,* in referen!e to Spen!e*s landlord, be!ame
'nown to both of us only sometime laterI) " realiFed that " would need to ma'e a similar leap of
insight in my own mind) 6hile " had already per!eived the Teatro to be a profoundly antiEartisti!
phenomenon, " was not yet sure what in the world would !onstitute an antiETeatro phenomenon, nor
how in the world " !ould turn my own prose writings to su!h a purpose)
Thus, for several days " meditated on these ;uestions) As usual, the psy!hi! demands of this
meditation severely ta(ed my bodily pro!esses, and in my wea'ened state " !ontra!ted a virus,
spe!ifi!ally an intestinal virus, whi!h !onfined me to my small apartment for a period of one wee')
/onetheless, it was during this time that things fell into pla!e regarding the Teatro and the insights "
re;uired to oppose this !ompany of nightmares in a more or less effi!a!ious manner)
Suffering through the days and nights of an illness, espe!ially an intestinal virus, one be!omes
highly !ons!ious of !ertain realities, as well as highly sensitive to the $unctions of these realities,
whi!h otherwise are not generally sub:e!t to prolonged attention or meditation) 8pon re!overy from
su!h a virus, the !ons!iousness of these realities and their fun!tions ne!essarily fades, so that the
on!eEstri!'en person may resume his life*s a!tivities and not be driven to insanity or sui!ide by the
a!ute awareness of these most unpleasant fa!ts of e(isten!e) Through the illumination of analogy, "
!ame to understand that the Teatro operated in mu!h the same manner as the illness from whi!h "
had re!ently suffered, with the !onse;uen!e that the person e(posed to the TeatroEdisease be!omes
highly !ons!ious of !ertain realities and their fun!tions, ones ;uite different of !ourse from the
realities and fun!tions of an intestinal virus) &owever, an intestinal virus ultimately su!!umbs, in a
reasonably healthy individual, to the formation of antibodies Hor something of that sortI) %ut the
disease of the Teatro, " now understood, was a disease for whi!h no !ountera!ting agents, or
antibodies, had ever been !reated by the systems of the individuals D that is, the artists D it atta!'ed)
An en!ounter with any disease, in!luding an intestinal virus, serves to alter a person*s mind, ma'ing
it intensely aware of !ertain realities, but this mind !annot remain altered on!e this en!ounter has
ended or else that person will never be able to go on living in the same way as before) "n !ontrast,
an en!ounter with the Teatro appears to remain within one*s system and to alter a person*s mind
permanently) #or the artist the result is not to be driven into insanity or sui!ide Has might be the !ase
if one assumed a permanent mindfulness of an intestinal virusI but the absolute termination of that
artist*s wor') The simple reason for this effe!t is that there are no antibodies for the disease of the
Teatro, and therefore no relief from the !ons!iousness of the realities whi!h an en!ounter with the
Teatro has for!ed upon an artist)
&aving progressed this far in my !ontemplation of the Teatro D so that " might dis!over its nature or
essen!e and thereby ma'e my prose writings into an antiETeatro phenomenon D " found that " !ould
go no further) /o matter how mu!h thought and meditation " devoted to the sub:e!t " did not gain a
definite sense of having revealed to myself the true realities and fun!tions that the Teatro
!ommuni!ated to an artist and how this !ommuni!ation put an end to that artist*s wor') Of !ourse "
!ould vaguely imagine the spe!ies of awareness that might render an artist then!eforth in!apable of
produ!ing any type of artisti! efforts) " a!tually arrived at a fairly detailed and disturbing idea of
su!h an awareness D a .orld/a.areness, as " !on!eived it) >et " did not feel " had penetrated the
mystery of BTeatrostuff)* And the only way to 'now about the Teatro, it seemed, was to have an
en!ounter with it) Su!h an en!ounter between myself and the Teatro would have o!!urred in any
event as a result of the dis!overy that my prose writings had been turned into an antiETeatro
phenomenonJ this would !onstitute an a00roach of the most outrageous sort to that !ompany of
nightmares, for!ing an en!ounter with all its realities and fun!tions) Thus it was not ne!essary, at
this point in my plan, to have a!tually su!!eeded in ma'ing my prose writings into an antiETeatro
phenomenon) " simply had to ma'e it 'nown, falsely, that " had done so)
As soon as " had suffi!iently re!overed from my intestinal virus " began to spread the word) .very
time " found myself among others who belonged to the soE!alled artisti! underworld of this !ity "
bragged that " had gained the most intense awareness of the Teatro*s realities and fun!tions, and
that, far from finishing me off as an artist, " had a!tually used this awareness as inspiration for a
series of short prose wor's) " e(plained to my !olleagues that merely to e(ist D let alone !reate
artisti! wor's D we had to 'eep !ertain things from overwhelming our minds) &owever, " !ontinued,
in order to 'eep these things, su!h as the realities of an intestinal virus, from overwhelming our
minds we attempted to deny them any voi!e whatsoever, neither a voi!e in our minds nor, !ertainly,
a pre!ise and !lear voi!e in wor's of art) The voi!e of madness, for instan!e, is barely a whisper in
the babbling history of art be!ause its realities are themselves too maddening to spea' of for very
long D and those of the Teatro have no voi!e at all, given their imponderably grotes;ue nature)
#urthermore, " said, the Teatro not only propagated an intense awareness of these things, these
realities and fun!tionings of realities D it was identical with them) And ", " boasted, had allowed my
mind to be overwhelmed by all manner of Teatro stuff, while also managing to use this e(perien!e
as material for my prose writings) BThis,* " pra!ti!ally shouted one day at Des .sseintes* Library, Bis
the superEart)* Then " promised that in two days* time " would give a reading of my series of short
prose pie!es)
/evertheless, as we sat around on some old furniture in a !orner of Des .sseintes* Library, several
of the others !hallenged my statements and assertions regarding the Teatro) One fellow writer, a
poet, spo'e hoarsely through a !loud of !igarette smo'e, saying to meJ B/o one 'nows what this
Teatro stuff is all about) "*m not sure " believe it myself)* %ut " answered that Spen!e 'new what it
was all about, thin'ing that very soon " too would 'now what he 'new) B#0ence4* said a woman in a
tone of e(aggerated disgust Hshe on!e lived with the photographer and was a photographer herselfI)
B&e*s not telling us about anything these days, never mind the Teatro)* %ut " answered that, li'e the
purple woman and the others, Spen!e had been overwhelmed by his en!ounter with the Teatro, and
his artisti! impulse had been thereby utterly destroyed) BAnd +our artisti! impulse is still inta!t,* she
said snidely) " answered that, yes, it was, and in two days " would prove it by reading a series of
prose wor's that e(hibited an intima!y with the most overwhelmingly grotes;ue e(perien!es and
gave voi!e to them) BThat*s be!ause you have no idea what you*re tal'ing about,* said someone
else, and almost everyone supported this remar') " told them to be patient, wait and see what my
prose writings revealed to them) BevealK* as'ed the poet) B&ell, no one even 'nows why it*s !alled
the Teatro $rottes!o)* " did not have an answer for that, but " repeated that they would understand
mu!h more about the Teatro in a few days, thin'ing to myself that within this period of time " would
have either su!!eeded or failed in my attempt to provo'e an en!ounter with the Teatro and the
matter of my none(istent antiETeatro prose writing would be immaterial)
On the very ne(t day, however, " !ollapsed in Des .sseintes* Library during a !onversation with a
different !ongregation of artists and highly artisti! persons) Although the symptoms of my intestinal
virus had never entirely disappeared, " had not e(pe!ted to !ollapse the way " did and ultimately to
dis!over that what " thought was an intestinal virus was in fa!t something far more serious) As a
!onse;uen!e of my !ollapse, my un!ons!ious body ended up in the emergen!y room of a nearby
hospital, the 'ind of pla!e where borderline indigents li'e myself always end up D a ba!'street
hospital with dated fi(tures and a staff of sleepwal'ers)
6hen " ne(t opened my eyes it was night) The bed in whi!h they had put my body was beside a tall
paned window that refle!ted the dim fluores!ent light fi(ed to the wall behind me, !reating a bla!'
glare in the window panes that allowed no view of anything beyond them, only a bro'en image of
myself and the room where " had been assigned for treatment) There was a long row of these tall
paned windows and several other beds in the ward, ea!h of them supporting a sleeping body that,
li'e mine, was damaged in some way and therefore had been !ommitted to that ba!'street hospital)
" felt none of the e(traordinary pain that had !aused me to !ollapse in Des .sseintes* Library) At that
moment, in fa!t, " !ould feel nothing of the e(perien!es of my past lifeJ it seemed " had always been
an o!!upant of that dar' hospital wards and always would be) This sense of estrangement from both
myself and everything else made it terribly diffi!ult to remain in the hospital bed where " had been
pla!ed) At the same time " felt uneasy about any movement a.a+ from that bed, espe!ially any
movement that would !ause me to approa!h the open doorway whi!h led into a halfElighted
ba!'street hospital !orridor) Compromising between my impulse to get out of my bed and my fear
of moving away from the bed and approa!hing that !orridor, " positioned myself so that " was
sitting on the edge of the mattress with my bare feet graFing the !old linoleum floor) " had been
sitting on the edge of that mattress for ;uite a while before " heard the voi!e out in the !orridor)
The voi!e !ame over the publi! address system, but it was not a parti!ularly loud voi!e) "n fa!t " had
to strain my attention for several minutes simply to dis!ern the pe!uliar ;ualities of the voi!e and to
de!ipher what it said) "t sounded li'e a !hild*s voi!e, a singEsong voi!e full of taunts and mis!hief)
Over and over it repeated the same phrase D 0a!in! %r Groddeck, 0a!in! %r Groddeck) The voi!e
sounded in!redibly hollow and distant, garbled by all 'inds of interferen!e) &a!in! %r Groddeck, it
giggled from the other side of the world)
" stood up and slowly approa!hed the doorway leading out into the !orridor) %ut even after " had
!rossed the room in my bare feet and was standing in the open doorway, that !hild*s voi!e did not
be!ome any louder or any !learer) .ven when " a!tually moved out into that long dim !orridor with
its dated lighting fi(tures, the voi!e that was !alling Dr $rodde!' sounded :ust as hollow and
distant) And now it was as if " were in a dream in whi!h " was wal'ing in my bare feet down a
ba!'street hospital !orridor, hearing a !raFy voi!e that seemed to be eluding me as " moved past the
open doorways of innumerable ward full of damaged bodies) %ut then the voi!e died away, !alling
to Dr $rodde!' one last time before fading li'e the final e!ho in a deep well) At the same moment
that the voi!e ended its hollow out!rying, " paused somewhere toward the end of that shadowy
!orridor) "n the absen!e of the mis!hievous voi!e " was able to hear something else, a sound li'e
;uiet, wheeFing laughter) "t was !oming from the room :ust ahead of me along the rightEhand side of
the !orridor) As " approa!hed this room " saw a metal pla;ue mounted at eye level on the wall, and
the words displayed on this pla;ue were theseJ Dr T) $rodde!')
A strangely glowing light emanated from the room where " heard that ;uiet and !ontinuous
wheeFing laughter) " peered around the edge of the doorway and saw that the sour!e of the laughter
was an old gentleman seated behind a des', while the strangely glowing light was !oming from a
large globular ob:e!t positioned on top of the des' dire!tly in front of him) The light from this
ob:e!t D a globe of solid glass, it seemed D shone on the old gentleman*s fa!e, whi!h was a !raFyE
loo'ing fa!e with a neatly !lipped beard that was pure white and a pair of spe!ta!les with slim
re!tangular lenses resting on a slender nose) 6hen " moved to stand in the doorway of that offi!e,
the eyes of Dr $rodde!' did not gaFe up at me but !ontinued to stare into the strange, shining globe
and at the things that were inside it)
6hat were these things inside the globe that Dr $rodde!' was loo'ing atK To me they appeared to
be tiny starEshaped flowers evenly s!attered throughout the glass, :ust the thing to lend a mo!'E
artisti! appearan!e to a !ommon paperweight) .(!ept that these flowers, these spidery
!hrysanthemums, were pure bla!') And they did not seem to be firmly fi(ed within the shining
sphere, as one would e(pe!t, but loo'ed as if they were floating in position, their starburst of petals
wavering slightly li'e tenta!les) Dr $rodde!' appeared to delight in the subtle movements of those
bla!' appendages) %ehind re!tangular spe!ta!les his eyes rolled about as they tried to ta'e in ea!h
of the hovering shapes inside the radiant globe on the des' before him)
Then the do!tor slowly rea!hed down into one of the deep po!'ets of the lab !oat he was wearing,
and his wheeFing laughter grew more intense) #rom the open doorway " wat!hed as he !arefully
removed a small paper bag from his po!'et, but he never even glan!ed at me) 6ith one hand he was
now holding the !rumpled bag dire!tly over the globe) 6hen he gave the bag a little sha'e, the
things inside the globe responded with an in!reased agitation of their thin bla!' arms) &e used both
hands to open the top of the bag and ;ui!'ly turned it upside down)
#rom out of the bag something tumbled onto the globe, where it seemed to sti!' to the surfa!e) "t
was not a!tually adhering to the surfa!e of the globe, however, but sin'ing into the interior of the
glass) "t s;uirmed as those soft bla!' stars inside the globe gathered to pull it down to themselves)
%efore " !ould see what it was that they had !aptured, the show was over) Afterward they returned
to their pla!es, floating slightly on!e again within the glowing sphere)
" loo'ed at Dr $rodde!' and saw that he was finally loo'ing ba!' at me) &e had stopped his
asthmati! laughter, and his eyes were staring frigidly into mine, !ompletely devoid of any readable
meaning) >et somehow these eyes provo'ed me) .ven as " stood in the open doorway of that
hideous offi!e in a ba!'street hospital, Dr $rodde!'*s eyes provo'ed in me an intense outrage, an
astronomi!al resentment of the position " had been pla!ed in) .ven as " had !onsummated my plan
to en!ounter the Teatro and e(perien!e its most devastating realities and fun!tions Hin order to turn
my prose wor's into an antiETeatro phenomenonI " was outraged to be standing where " was
standing and resentful of the staring eyes of Dr $rodde!') "t no longer mattered whether " had
approa!hed the Teatro, the Teatro had approa!hed me, or we had both approa!hed ea!h other) "
realiFed that there is su!h a thing as being approa!hed in order to for!e one*s hand into ma'ing what
only appears to be an approa!h, whi!h is a!tually a nonEapproa!h that negates the whole !on!ept of
approa!hing) "t was all a fi( from the start be!ause " belonged to an artisti! underworld, be!ause "
was an artist whose wor' would be brought to an end by an en!ounter with the Teatro $rottes!o)
And so " was outraged by the eyes of Dr $rodde!', whi!h were the eyes of the Teatro, and " was
resentful of all the insane realities and the e(!ru!iating fun!tions of the Teatro) Although " 'new that
the perse!utions of the Teatro were not e(!lusively fo!used on the artists and highly artisti! persons
of the world, " was nevertheless outraged and resentful to be singled out for s0ecial treatment) "
wanted to punish those persons in this world who are not the ob:e!t of su!h spe!ial treatment) Thus,
at the top of my voi!e, " !alled out in the dim !orridor D " !ried out the summons for others to :oin
me before the stage of the Teatro) Strange that " should thin' it ne!essary to !ompound the
nightmare of all those damaged bodies in that ba!'street hospital, as well as its staff of sleepwal'ers
who moved within a world of outdated fi(tures) %ut by the time anyone arrived Dr $rodde!' was
gone, and his offi!e be!ame nothing more than a room full of dirty laundry)
My es!apade that night notwithstanding, " was soon released from the hospital, even though the
results of several tests " had been administered were still pending) " was feeling as well as ever, and
the hospital, li'e any hospital, always needed bed spa!e for more damaged bodies) They said "
would be !onta!ted in the ne(t few days)
"t was in fa!t on the following day that " was informed of the out!ome of my stay in the hospital)
B&ello again,* began the letter, whi!h was typed on a plain, though waterstained sheet of paper) B"
was so pleased to finally meet you in person) " thought your performan!e during our interview at the
hospital was really first rate, and " am authoriFed to offer you a position with us) There is an
opening in our organiFation for someone with your resour!efulness and imagination) "*m afraid
things didn*t wor' out with Mr Spen!e) %ut he !ertainly did have a !amera*s eye, and we have
gotten some wonderful pi!tures from him) " would espe!ially li'e to share with you his last shots of
the soft bla!' stars, or S)%)S), as we sometimes refer to them) +eritable superEart, if there ever was
su!h a thingL
B%y the way, the results of your tests D some of whi!h you have yet to be sub:e!ted to D are going to
!ome ba!' positive) "f you thin' an intestinal virus is misery, :ust wait a few more months) So thin'
fast, sir) 6e will arrange another meeting with you in any !ase) And remember D +ou approa!hed us)
Or was it the other way aroundK
BAs you might have noti!ed by now, all this artisti! business !an only 'eep you going so long before
you*re left spee!hlessly gaping at the realities and fun!tions of ) ) ) well, " thin' you 'now what "*m
trying to say) " was for!ed into this realiFation myself, and "*m ;uite mindful of what a blow this
!an be) "ndeed, it was " who invented the appellative for our organiFation as it is !urrently 'nown)
/ot that " put any sto!' in names, nor should you) Our !ompany is so mu!h older than its own
name, or any other name for that matter) HAnd how many it*s had over the years D The Ten
Thousand Things, Anima Mundi, /ethes!urial)I >ou should be proud that we have a spe!ial part for
you to play, su!h a talented artist) "n time you will forget yourself entirely in your wor', as we all do
eventually) Myself, " go around with a trun'ful of aliases, but do you thin' " !an say who " on!e was
reall+K A man of the theater, that seems plausible) Possibly " was the father of #aust or &amlet D or
merely Peter Pan)
B"n !losing, " do hope you will seriously !onsider our offer to :oin us) 6e !an do something about
your medi!al predi!ament) 6e !an do :ust about anything) Otherwise, "*m afraid that all " !an do is
wel!ome you to your own private hell, whi!h will be as unspea'able as any on earth)*
The letter was signed Dr Theodore $rodde!', and its prognosti!ation of my physi!al health was
a!!urateJ " have ta'en more tests at the ba!'street hospital and the results are somewhat grim) #or
several days and sleepless nights " have !onsidered the alternatives the do!tor proposed to me, as
well as others of my own devising, and have yet to rea!h a de!ision on what !ourse to follow) The
one !on!lusion that 'eeps for!ing itself upon me is that it ma'es no differen!e what !hoi!e " ma'e
or do not ma'e) >ou !an never anti!ipate the Teatro D or anything else) >ou !an never 'now what
you are approa!hing or what is approa!hing you) Soon enough my thoughts will lose all !larity, and
" will no longer be aware that there was ever a de!ision to be made) The soft bla!' stars have
already begun to fill the s'y)
$AS STAT"O/ CA/"+ALS
Outside the walls of the Crimson Cabaret was a world of rain and dar'ness) At intervals, whenever
someone entered or e(ited through the front door of the !lub, one !ould a!tually see the steady rain
and was allowed a brief glimpse of the dar'ness) "nside it was all amber light, toba!!o smo'e, and
the sound of the raindrops hitting the windows, whi!h were all painted bla!') On su!h nights, as "
sat at one of the tables in that drab little pla!e, " was always filled with an infernal merriment, as if "
were waiting out the apo!alypse and !ould not !are less about it) " also li'ed to imagine that " was in
the !abin of an old ship during a really vi!ious storm at sea or in the !lub !ar of a lu(ury passenger
train that was being ro!'ed on its rails by fero!ious winds and hammered by a demoni! rain)
Sometimes, when " was sitting in the Crimson Cabaret on a rainy night, " thought of myself as
o!!upying a waiting room for the abyss Hwhi!h of !ourse was e(a!tly what " was doingI and
between sips from my glass of wine or !up of !offee " smiled sadly and tou!hed the front po!'et of
my !oat where " 'ept my imaginary ti!'et to oblivion)
&owever, on that parti!ular rainy /ovember night " was not feeling very well) My stoma!h was
slightly ;ueasy, as if signalling the onset of a virus or even food poisoning) Another sour!e for my
malaise, " thought to myself, might well have been my longstanding nervous !ondition, whi!h
flu!tuated from day to day but was always with me in some form and manifested itself in a variety
of symptoms both physi!al and psy!hi!) " was in fa!t e(perien!ing a faint sensation of pani!,
although this in no way ruled out the possibility that the ;ueasiness of my stoma!h was due to a
stri!tly physi!al !ause, either viral or to(i!) /either did it rule out a third possibility whi!h " was
trying to ignore at that point in the evening) 6hatever the etiology of my stoma!h disorder, " felt the
need to be in a publi! pla!e that night, so that if " should !ollapse D an eventuality " often feared D
there would be people around who might attend to me, or at least shuttle my body off to the
hospital) At the same time " was not see'ing !lose !onta!t with any of these people, and " would
have been bad !ompany in any !ase, sitting there in the !orner of the !lub drin'ing mint tea and
smo'ing mild !igarettes out of respe!t for my ailing stoma!h) #or all these reasons " had brought
my noteboo' with me that night and had it lying open on the table before me, as if to say that "
wanted to be left alone to mull over some literary matters) %ut when Stuart Quisser entered the !lub
at appro(imately ten o*!lo!', the sight of me sitting at a !orner table with my open noteboo',
drin'ing mint tea and smo'ing mild !igarettes so that " might stay on top of the situation with my
;ueasy stoma!h, did not in the least dis!ourage him from wal'ing dire!tly to my table and ta'ing
the seat a!ross from me) A waitress !ame over to us) Quisser ordered some 'ind of white wine,
while " as'ed for another !up of mint tea)
BSo now it*s mint tea,* Quisser said as the girl left us)
B"*m surprised you*re showing your fa!e around here,* " said by way of reply)
B" thought " might try to ma'e up with the old !rimson woman)*
BMa'e upK That doesn*t sound li'e you)*
B/evertheless, have you seen her tonightK*
B/o, " haven*t) >ou humiliated her at that party) " haven*t seen her sin!e, not even in her own !lub) "
don*t 'now if you*re aware of this, but she*s not someone you want to have as an enemy)*
BMeaning whatK* he as'ed)
BMeaning that she has !onne!tions you 'now absolutely nothing about)*
BAnd of !ourse +ou 'now all about it) "*ve read your stories) >ou*re a !onfessed paranoid, so what*s
your pointK*
BMy point,* " said, Bis that there*s hell in every handsha'e, never mind an outright and humiliating
insult)*
B" had too mu!h to drin', that*s all)*
B>ou !alled her a deluded no/talent)*
Quisser loo'ed up at the waitress as she approa!hed with our drin's, and he made a hasty handE
signal to me for silen!e) 6hen she was gone he said, B" happen to 'now that our waitress is very
loyal to the !rimson woman) She will very probably inform her about my visiting the !lub tonight) "
wonder if she would be willing to a!t as a goEbetween with her boss and deliver a se!ondEhand
apology from me)*
BLoo' around at the walls,* " said)
Quisser set down his glass of wine and s!anned the room)
B&mm,* he said when he had finished loo'ing) BThis is more serious than " thought) She*s ta'en
down all her old paintings) And the new ones don*t loo' li'e her wor' at all)*
BThey*re not) >ou humiliated her)*
BAnd yet she seems to have done up the stage sin!e " last saw it) /ew paint :ob or something)*
The soE!alled stage to whi!h Quisser referred was a small platform in the opposite !orner of the
!lub) This area was entirely framed by four long panels, ea!h of them painted with bla!' and gold
sigils against a glossy red ba!'ground) +arious events o!!urred on this stageJ poetry readings,
ta'leau3 vivants, playlets of sundry types, puppet shows, artisti! slideshows, musi!al performan!es,
and so on) That night, whi!h was a Tuesday, the stage was dar') " observed nothing different about
it and as'ed Quisser what he imagined he thought was new)
B" !an*t say e(a!tly, but something seems to have been done) Maybe it*s those bla!' and gold
ideographs or whatever they*re supposed to be) The whole thing loo's li'e the !over of a menu in a
Chinese restaurant)*
B>ou*re ;uoting yourself,* " said)
B6hat do you meanK*
BThe Chinese menu remar') >ou used that in your review of the Marsha Cor'er e(hibit last month)*
BDid "K " don*t remember)*
BAre you :ust saying you don*t remember, or do you really not rememberK* " as'ed this ;uestion in
the spirit of trivial !uriosity, my ;ueasy stoma!h dis!ouraging the strain of any real antagonism on
my part)
B" remem'er, all rightK 6hi!h reminds me, there*s something " wanted to tal' to you about) "t !ame
to me the other day, and " immediately thought of you and your ) ) ) stuff,* he said, gesturing toward
my noteboo' of writings open on the table between us) B" !an*t believe it*s never !ome up before)
>ou of all people should 'now about them) /o one else seems to) "t was years ago, but you*re old
enough to remember them) >ou*ve got to remember them)*
Bemember whatK* " as'ed, and after the briefest pause he repliedJ
BThe gas station !arnivals)*
And he said these words as if he were someone delivering a pun!hline to a :o'e, the proud bringer
of a surprising and profound hilarity) " was supposed to e(press an astonished re!ognition, that
mu!h " 'new) "t was not a phenomenon of whi!h " was entirel+ i!norant, and memory is su!h a
tri!'y thing) This, at least, is what " told Quisser) %ut as Quisser told me his memories, trying to
arouse mine, " gradually realiFed the true nature and purpose of the soE!alled gas station !arnivals)
During this time it was all " !ould do to !on!eal how badly my stoma!h was a!ting up on me,
;ueasy and burning) " 'ept telling myself, as Quisser was tal'ing about his memories of the gas
station !arnivals, that " was !ertainly e(perien!ing the onset of a virus, if in fa!t " had not been the
vi!tim of food poisoning) Quisser, nevertheless, was so !aught up in his story that he seemed not to
noti!e my agony)
Quisser said that his re!olle!tions of the gas station !arnivals derived from his early !hildhood) &is
family, meaning his parents and himself, would go on long va!ations by !ar, often driving great
distan!es, to a variety of destinations) Along the way, naturally, they would need to stop at any
number of gas stations that were lo!ated in towns and !ities, as well as those that they !ame upon in
more isolated, rural lo!ales) These were the pla!es, Quisser said, where one was most li'ely to
dis!over those hybrid enterprises whi!h he !alled gas station !arnivals)
Quisser did not !laim to 'now when or how these spe!ialiFed carnivals, or perhaps spe!ialiFed !as
stations, !ame into e(isten!e, nor how widespread they might have been) &is father, whom Quisser
believed would be able to answer su!h ;uestions, had died some years ago, while his mother was no
longer mentally !ompetent, having suffered a series of psy!hi! !atastrophes not long after the death
of Quisser*s father) Thus, all that remained to Quisser was the memory of these !hildhood
e(!ursions with his parents, during whi!h they would find themselves in some rural area, perhaps at
the !rossroads of two highways Hand often, he seemed to re!all, around sunsetI, and dis!over in this
isolated lo!ation one of those !uriosities whi!h he des!ribed to me as gas station !arnivals)
They were invariably $illin! stations, Quisser emphasiFed, and not service stations, whi!h might
have fa!ilities for doing e(tensive repairs on !ars and other vehi!les) There would be, in those days,
four gas pumps at most, often only two, and some 'ind of modest building whi!h usually had so
many signs and advertisements applied to its e(terior that no one !ould say if anything a!tually
stood beneath them) Quisser said that as a !hild he always too' spe!ial noti!e of the signs that
advertised !hewing toba!!o, and that as an adult, in his !apa!ity as an art !riti!, he still found the
sight of !hewingEtoba!!o pa!'ages very appealing, and he !ould not understand why some artist
had not su!!essfully e(ploited their visual and imaginative ;ualities) "t seemed to me, as we sat that
night in the Crimson Cabaret, that this !hewingEtoba!!o material was intended to lend greater
!reden!e to Quisser*s story) This detail was so vivid to him) %ut when " as'ed Quisser if he re!alled
any parti!ular brands of !hewing toba!!o being advertised at these filling stations whi!h had
!arnivals atta!hed to them, he be!ame slightly defensive, as if my ;uestion were intended to
!hallenge the a!!ura!y of his !hildhood re!olle!tion) &e then shifted the fo!us of the issue " had
raised by asserting that the !arnival aspe!t of these pla!es was not e(a!tly attached to the gas
station aspe!t, but that they were never very far away from ea!h other and there was definitely a
!ommer!ial liaison between them) &is impression, whi!h had been instilled in him li'e some
founding prin!iple of a dream, was that a substantial pur!hase of gasoline allowed the driver and
passengers of a given vehi!le free a!!ess to the nearby !arnival)
At this point in his story Quisser be!ame an(ious to e(plain that these gas station !arnivals were by
no means elaborate D ;uite the opposite, in fa!t) Situated on some empty stret!h of land that stood
alongside, or sometimes behind, a rural filling station, they !onsisted of only the remnants of fully
fledged !arnivals, the 'are 'ones of mu!h larger and grander entertainments) There was usually a
tall, ar!hed entran!eway with !olored lightbulbs that provided an eerie !ontrast to the vast and
barren lands!ape surrounding it) .spe!ially around sunset, whi!h was usually, or possibly always,
when Quisser and his parents found themselves in one of these remote lo!ales, the !olorful
illumination of a !arnival entran!eway !reated an effe!t that was both festive and sinister) %ut on!e
a visitor had gained admittan!e to the a!tual grounds of the !arnival, there !ame a moment of
letdown at the thing itself D that spare assemblage of e;uipment that appeared to have been left
behind by a travelling amusement par' in the distant past)
There were always only a few !arnival rides, Quisser said, and these were very seldom in a!tual
operation) &e supposed that at some time they had been in fun!tioning order, probably when they
were first installed as an anne( to the gas stations) %ut this period, he spe!ulated, !ould not have
lasted long) And no doubt at the earliest sign of malfun!tion ea!h of the rides had been shut down)
Quisser said that he himself had never been on a single ride at a gas station !arnival, though he
insisted that his father on!e allowed him to sit atop one of the wooden horses on a defun!t merryE
goEround) B"t was a miniature merryEgoEround,* Quisser told me, as if that gave his re!olle!ted
e(perien!e an aura of meaning or substan!e) All the rides, it seemed, were miniature, he asserted D
smallEs!ale versions of !arnival rides he had elsewhere 'nown and had a!tually ridden upon) %eside
the miniature merryEgoEround, whi!h never moved an in!h and always stood dar' and silent in a
remote rural lands!ape, there would be a miniature ferris wheel Hno taller than a bungalowEstyle
house, Quisser saidI, and sometimes a miniature tiltEaEwhirl or a miniature roller !oaster) And they
were always !losed down be!ause on!e they had malfun!tioned, if in fa!t any of them were ever in
operation, they were never subse;uently repaired) Possibly they never !ould be repaired, Quisser
thought, given the anti;uated parts and me!hanisms of these miniature !arnival rides)
>et there was a single, ;uite !ru!ial amusement that one !ould almost always e(pe!t to see open to
the publi!, or at least to those whose !ar had been filled with the re;uisite amount of gasoline and
who were therefore free to pass through the brightly lit entran!eway upon whi!h the word !arnival
was emblaFoned in !olored lights against a vast and haunting s'y at sundown somewhere out in a
rural wasteland) Quisser posed to me a ;uestionJ how !ould a pla!e advertise itself as a !arnival,
even a gas station !arnival, if it did not in!lude that most vital !arnivales;ue feature D a sideshowK
Perhaps there was some spe!ial law or ordinan!e regulating su!h matters, Quisser imagined out
loud, an old statute of some 'ind that would have parti!ular for!e in remote areas where !ertain
traditions have an enduran!e un'nown to urban !enters) This would a!!ount for the fa!t that, e(!ept
under e(traordinary !ir!umstan!es Hsu!h as dangerously bad weatherI, there was always some type
of sideshow performan!e at these gas station !arnivals, even though everything else on the grounds
stood dar' and damaged)
Of !ourse these sideshows, as Quisser des!ribed them, were not terribly sophisti!ated, even by the
standards of the average !arnival, let alone those that served as !ommer!ial enti!ements for some
outEofEtheEway gas station) There would be only a single sideshow attra!tion at a given site, and
outwardly they ea!h presented the same image to the !arnival*s patronsJ a small tent of torn and
filthy !anvas) At some point along the perimeter of the tent would be a loose flap of material
through whi!h Quisser and his parents, though sometimes only Quisser himself, would gain
entran!e to the sideshow) "nside the tent were a few wooden ben!hes that had sun' a little bit into
the hard dirt beneath them and, some distan!e away, a small stage area that was raised perhaps :ust a
foot or so above ground level) "llumination was provided by two ordinary floor lamps D one on
either side of the stage D that were without lampshades or any other 'ind of !overing, so that their
bare lightbulbs burned harshly and !ast dramati! shadows throughout the interior of the tent)
Quisser said that he always noti!ed the frayed ele!tri!al !ords that trailed off from the base of ea!h
lamp and, by means of several e(tension !ords, ultimately found a sour!e of power at the gas station
D that is, from within the small bri!' building whi!h was obs!ured by so many signs advertising
!hewing toba!!o and other produ!ts)
6hen visitors to a gas station !arnival entered the sideshow tent and too' their pla!es on one of the
ben!hes in front of the stage, they were not usually alerted to the parti!ular nature of the
performan!e or spe!ta!le that they would witness) Quisser remar'ed that there was no mar;uee or
billboard of any type that might offer su!h a noti!e to the !arnivalEgoers either before they entered
the sideshow tent or after they were inside and seated on one of the old wooden ben!hes) &owever,
with one important e(!eption, ea!h of the performan!es, or spe!ta!les, was mu!h the same
rigmarole) The audien!e would settle itself on the wooden ben!hes, most of whi!h were about to
!ollapse or Has Quisser observedI were so unevenly sun' into the ground that it was impossible to
sit on them, and the show would begin)
The attra!tions varied from sideshow to sideshow, and Quisser said he was unable to remember all
of the ones he had seen) &e did re!all what he des!ribed as the &uman Spider) This was a very brief
spe!ta!le during whi!h someone in a !lumsy !ostume s!uttled from one side of the stage to the
other and ba!' again, e(iting through a slit at the ba!' of the tent) The person wearing the !ostume,
Quisser added, was presumably the attendant who pumped gas, washed windows, and performed
various servi!es around the filling station) "n many sideshow performan!es, su!h as that of the
&ypnotist, Quisser remembered that a gas station attendant*s uniform Hgreasy gray or blue
!overallsI was ;uite visible beneath the performer*s stage !lothes) Quisser did admit that he was
unsure why he designated this parti!ular sideshow a!t the B&ypnotist,* sin!e there was no hypnotism
involved in the performan!e, and of !ourse no mar;uee or billboard e(isted either outside the tent or
within it that might lead the publi! to e(pe!t any 'ind of mesmeri! routines) The performer was
simply !lothed in a long, loose over!oat and wore a plasti! mas', whi!h was a plain, very pale
repli!a of a human fa!e, with the e(!eption that instead of eyes Hor eyeholesI there were two large
dis!s with spiral designs painted upon them) The &ypnotist would gesti!ulate !haoti!ally in front of
the audien!e for some moments, no doubt be!ause his vision was obs!ured by the spiralEpatterned
dis!s over the eyes of his mas', and then stumble offstage)
There were numerous other sideshow a!ts that Quisser !laimed to have seen, in!luding the Dan!ing
Puppet, the 6orm, the &un!hba!', and Dr #ingers) 6ith one important e(!eption, the routine was
always the sameJ Quisser and his parents would enter the sideshow tent and sit upon one of the
rotted ben!hes, soon after whi!h some performer would appear briefly on the small stage that was
lit up by two ordinary floor lamps) The single deviation from this routine was an attra!tion that
Quisser !alled the Showman)
6hereas every other sideshow a!t began and ended a$ter Quisser and his parents had entered the
spe!ial tent and seated themselves, the one !alled the Showman always seemed to be in 0ro!ress)
As soon as Quisser stepped inside the tent D invariably pre!eding his parents, he !laimed D he saw
the figure standing perfe!tly still upon the small stage .ith his 'ack to the audience) #or whatever
reason, there were never any other patrons when Quisser and his parents stopped at twilight and
visited one of these gas station !arnivals D with their se!ondEhand, defe!tive amusements D
eventually ma'ing their way into the sideshow tent) This situation did not seem strange or troubling
to the young Quisser e(!ept on those o!!asions when he entered the sideshow tent and saw that it
was the Showman onstage with his ba!' to a few rows of empty ben!hes that loo'ed as if they
might brea' up altogether if one attempted to sit on them) 6henever fa!ed with this s!ene, Quisser
immediately wanted to turn around and leave the pla!e) %ut then his parents would !ome pushing
into the tent behind him, he said, and before he 'new it they would all be sitting on one of the
ben!hes in the very first row loo'ing at the Showman) &is parents never 'new how terrified he was
of this pe!uliar sideshow figure, Quisser repeated several times) #urthermore, visiting these gas
station !arnivals, and espe!ially ta'ing in the sideshows, was all done for Quisser*s benefit, sin!e
his father and mother would have preferred simply filling up the family !ar with gasoline and
moving on toward whatever va!ation spot was ne(t on their itinerary)
Quisser !ontended that his parents a!tually en:oyed wat!hing him sit in terror before the Showman,
until he !ould not stand it any longer and as'ed to go ba!' to the !ar) At the same time he was ;uite
transfi(ed by the sight of this sideshow !hara!ter, who was unli'e any other he !ould remember)
There he was, Quisser said, standing with his ba!' to the audien!e and wearing an old top hat and a
long !ape that tou!hed the dirty floor of the small stage on whi!h he stood) Sti!'ing out from
beneath the top hat were the dense and lengthy sho!'s of the Showman*s stiff red hair, Quisser said,
whi!h loo'ed li'e some 'ind of si!'ening vermin*s nest) 6hen " as'ed Quisser if this hair might
a!tually have been a wig, deliberately testing his memory and imagination, he gave me a
!ontemptuous loo', as if to stress that I was not the one who had seen the stiff red hairC he was the
one who had seen it sti!'ing out from beneath the Showman*s old top hat) The only other features
that were visible to the audien!e, Quisser !ontinued, were the fingers of the Showman whi!h
grasped the edges of his long !ape) These fingers appeared to Quisser to be somehow deformed,
!urling together into little !laws, and were a pale greenish !olor) Apparently, as Quisser viewed it,
the entire stan!e of the figure was !al!ulated to suggest that at any moment he might twirl about and
!onfront the audien!e fullEfa!e, his moldy fingers lifting up the edges of his !ape, rea!hing to the
height of his stiff red hair) >et the figure never budged) Sometimes it did seem to Quisser that the
Showman was moving his head a little to the left or a little to the right, threatening to reveal one
side of his fa!e or the other, playing a horrible game of pee'EaEboo) %ut ultimately Quisser
!on!luded that these per!eived movements were illusory and that the Showman was always posed
in perfe!t stillness, a nightmarish manni'in that invited all 'inds of imaginings by its very
forbearan!e of any gesture)
B"t was all a nasty pretense,* Quisser said to me and then paused to finish off his glass of wine)
B%ut what if he had turned around to fa!e the audien!eK* " as'ed) 6hile awaiting his response, "
sipped some of my mint tea, whi!h did not seem to be doing mu!h good for my ;ueasy stoma!h, yet
at the same time was !ausing no harm either) " lit one of the mild !igarettes that " was smo'ing on
that o!!asion) BDid you hear what " saidK* " said to Quisser, who had been loo'ing toward the stage
lo!ated in the opposite !orner of the Crimson Cabaret) BThe stage is the same,* " said to Quisser
;uite sternly, attra!ting some glan!es from persons sitting at the other tables in the !lub) BThe panels
are the same and the designs on them are also the same)*
Quisser played nervously with his empty wine glass) B6hen " was very young,* he said, Bthere were
!ertain o!!asions on whi!h " would see the Showman, but he wasn*t in his natural habitat, so to
spea', of the sideshow tent)*
B" thin' "*ve heard enough tonight,* " inter:e!ted, my hand pressing against my ;ueasy stoma!h)
B6hat are you sayingK* as'ed Quisser) B>ou remember them, don*t youK The gas station !arnivals)
Maybe :ust a $aint memory) " was sure you would be the one to 'now about them)*
B" thin' " !an say,* " said to Quisser, B"*ve heard enough of your gas station !arnival story to 'now
what it*s all about)*
B6hat do you mean, Rwhat it*s all aboutSK* as'ed Quisser, who was still loo'ing over at the small
stage a!ross the room)
B6ell, for one thing, your later memories, your 0ur0orted memories, of that Showman !hara!ter)
>ou were about to tell me that throughout your !hildhood you repeatedly saw this figure at various
times and in various pla!es) Perhaps you saw him in the distan!e of a s!hoolyard, standing with his
ba!' to you) Or you saw him on the other side of a busy street, but when you !rossed the street he
wasn*t there any longer)*
BSomething li'e that, yes)*
BAnd you were then going to tell me that lately you*ve been seeing this figure, or faint suggestions
of this figure D s'et!hy refle!tions in store windows along the sidewal', flashing glimpses in the
rearEview mirror of your !ar)*
B"t*s very mu!h li'e one of your stories)*
B"n some ways it is,* " said, Band in some ways it isn*t) >ou feel that if you ever see the Showman
figure turn his head around to loo' at you ) ) ) that something terrible will happen, most li'ely that
you*ll perish on the spot from some 'ind of monumental sho!')*
B>es,* agreed Quisser) BAn unsustainable horror) %ut " haven*t told you the strangest part) >ou*re
right that lately " have had glimpses of ) ) ) that figure, and " did see him during my !hildhood,
outside of the sideshow tent, " mean) %ut the strangest part is that " remember seeing him in other
pla!es even 'e$ore " first saw him at the gas station !arnivals)*
BThis is :ust my point,* " said)
B6hat isK*
BThat there are no !as station carnivals) There never were any gas station !arnivals) /obody
remembers them be!ause they never e(isted) The whole idea is preposterous)*
B%ut my parents were there with me)*
B.(a!tly D your dead father and your mentally in!ompetent mother) Do you remember ever
dis!ussing with them your va!ation e(perien!es at these spe!ial gas stations with the !arnivals
supposedly anne(ed to themK*
B/o, " don*t)*
BThat*s be!ause you never went to any su!h pla!es with them) Thin' about how ludi!rous it all
sounds) That there should be filling stations out in the sti!'s that enti!e !ustomers with free
admission to bro'enEdown !arnivals D it*s all so ridi!ulous) Miniature !arnival ridesK $as station
attendants doubling as sideshow performersK*
B/ot the Showman,* interrupted Quisser) B&e was never a gas station attendant)*
B/o, of !ourse he wasn*t a gas station attendant, be!ause he was a delusion) The whole thing is an
outrageous delusion, but it*s also a very parti!ular type of delusion)*
BAnd what type would that beK* as'ed Quisser, who was still snea'ing glan!es at the stage area
a!ross the room of the Crimson Cabaret)
B"t*s not some type of !ommon psy!hologi!al delusion, if that*s what you were thin'ing " was about
to say) " have no interest at all in su!h things) %ut " am very interested when someone is suffering
from a ma!ical delusion) .ven more pre!isely, " am interested in delusions that are a result of art/
ma!ic) And do you 'now how long you*ve been under the influen!e of this artEmagi! delusionK*
B>ou*ve lost me,* said Quisser)
B"t*s simple,* " said) B&ow long have you imagined all this nonsense about the gas station !arnivals,
and spe!ifi!ally about this !hara!ter you des!ribe as the ShowmanK*
B" guess it would be more or less absurd at this point to insist to you that "*ve seen this figure sin!e
!hildhood, even if that*s e(a!tly how it seems and that*s e(a!tly what " remember)*
BOf !ourse it would be absurd, be!ause you*re definitely delusional)*
BSo "*m delusional about the Showman, but you*re not delusional about ) ) ) what do you !all itK*
BArtEmagi!) #or as long as you*ve been a vi!tim of this parti!ular artEmagi!, this is how long you*ve
been delusional about the gas station !arnivals and all related phenomena)*
BAnd how long is thatK* as'ed Quisser)
BSin!e you humiliated the !rimson woman by !alling her a deluded no/talent) " told you that she had
!onne!tions you 'new absolutely nothing about)*
B"*m tal'ing about something from my !hildhood, something "*ve remembered my entire life)
>ou*re tal'ing about a matter of days)*
BThat*s be!ause a matter of days is e(a!tly the term that you*ve been delusional) Don*t you see that
through her artEmagi! she has !aused you to suffer from the worst 'ind of delusion, whi!h might be
!alled a retroactive delusion) And it*s not only you who*s been affli!ted in the past days and wee's
and even months) .veryone around here has sensed the threat of this artEmagi! for some time now)
"*m beginning to thin' that "*ve found out about it too late myself, mu!h too late) >ou 'now what it
is to suffer from a delusion of the retroa!tive type, but do you 'now what it*s li'e to be the vi!tim of
a severe stoma!h disorderK "*ve been sitting here in the !rimson woman*s !lub drin'ing mint tea
served by a waitress who is the !rimson woman*s friend, thin'ing that mint tea is :ust the thing for
my stoma!h when it very well may be aggravating my !ondition or even !ausing it to transform, in
a!!ordan!e with the prin!iples of artEmagi!, into something more serious and more strange) %ut the
!rimson woman is not the only one pra!ti!ing this artEmagi!) "t*s happening everywhere around
here) "t drifted in une(pe!tedly li'e a fog at sea, and so many of us are be!oming lost in it) Loo' at
the fa!es in this room and then tell me that you alone are the vi!tim of a horrible artEmagi!) The
!rimson woman has ;uite a few adversaries, :ust as she is !onne!ted with powerful allies) &ow !an
" say e(a!tly who they are D some group spe!ialiFing in artEmagi!, no doubt, but " !an*t :ust say,
with a fatuous !ertainty, R>es, it must be some parti!ular gang of illuminati,S or esoteric scientists,
as so many have begun styling themselves these days)*
B%ut it all sounds li'e one of your stories,* Quisser protested)
BOf !ourse it does, don*t you thin' she 'nows thatK %ut "*m not the one with that grotes;ue yarn
about the gas station !arnivals and the sideshow tent with a small stage not unli'e the stage on the
opposite side of this room) >ou !an*t 'eep your eyes off it, " !an see that and so !an the other people
around the room) And " 'now what you thin' you*re seeing over there)*
BAssuming +ou 'now what you*re tal'ing about,* said Quisser, who was now for!ing himself to
loo' away from the stage area a!ross the room, Bwhat am " supposed to do about itK*
B>ou !an start by 'eeping your eyes off that stage a!ross the room) There*s nothing you !an see over
there e(!ept an artEmagi! delusion) There is nothing ne!essarily fatal or permanent about the
affli!tion) %ut you must believe that you will re!over, :ust as you would if you were suffering from
some nonEfatal physi!al disease) Otherwise these delusions may turn into something far more
deadly, on either a physi!al level or a psy!hi! level, or both) Ta'e my advi!e, as someone who
dabbles in tales of e(traordinary doom, and wal' away from all of this madness) There are enough
fatalities of a mundane sort) #ind a ;uiet pla!e and wait for one of them to !arry you off)*
" !ould now see that the intense !onvi!tion !arried by my words had finally had its effe!t on
Quisser) &is gaFe was no longer drawn toward the small stage on the opposite side of the room but
was dire!ted full upon me) &e did remain somewhat distraught in the fa!e of the truth about his
delusion, yet he seemed to have settled down !onsiderably)
" lit another of my mild !igarettes and glan!ed around the room, not loo'ing for anything or anyone
in parti!ular but merely gauging the atmosphere) The toba!!o smo'e drifting through the !lub was
so mu!h thi!'er, the amber light several shades dar'er, and the sound of raindrops still played
against the bla!' painted windows of the Crimson Cabaret) " was now ba!' in the !abin of that old
ship as it was being !ast about in a vi!ious storm at sea, utterly inse!ure in its bearings and
profoundly threatened by un!ontrollable for!es) Quisser e(!used himself to go to the rest room, and
his form passed a!ross my field of vision li'e a shadow through dense fog)
" have no idea how long Quisser was gone from the table) My attention be!ame fully absorbed by
the other fa!es in the !lub and the deep an(iety they betrayed to me, an an(iety that was not of the
natural, e(istential sort but one that was !aused by pe!uliar !on!erns of an un!anny nature) What a
season is u0on us, these fa!es seemed to say) And no doubt their voi!es would have spo'en dire!tly
of !ertain pe!uliar !on!erns had they not been intimidated into weird e;uivo!ations and double
entendres by the fear of falling vi!tim to the same 'ind of unnatural affli!tion that had made so
mu!h trouble in the mind of the art !riti! Stuart Quisser) 6ho would be ne(tK 6hat !ould a person
say these days, or even thin', without feeling the dread of reper!ussion from powerfully !onne!ted
groups and individualsK " !ould almost hear their voi!es as'ing, B6hy here, why nowK* %ut of
!ourse they !ould have :ust as easily been as'ing, B6hy not here, why not nowK* "t would not o!!ur
to this !rowd that there were no spe!ial rules involvedC it would not o!!ur to them, even though they
were a !rowd of imaginative artists, that the whole thing was simply a matter of random,
purposeless terror that !onverged upon a parti!ular pla!e at a parti!ular time for no parti!ular
reason) On the other hand, it would also not have o!!urred to them that they might have wished it
all upon themselves, that they might have had a hand in bringing !ertain powerful for!es and
!onne!tions into our distri!t simply by wishing them to !ome) They might have wished and wished
for an unnatural evil to fall upon them but, for a while at least, nothing happened) Then the wishing
stopped, the old wishes were forgotten yet at the same time gathered in strength, distilling
themselves into a potent formula Hwho !an sayLI, until one day the terrible season began) %e!ause
had they really told the truth, this artisti! !rowd might also have e(pressed what a sense of meaning
Halthough of a negative sortI, not to mention the vigorous thrill Halthough of an e(!ru!iating typeI,
this season of unnatural evil had brought to their lives) 6hat does it mean to be alive e(!ept to !ourt
disaster and suffering at every momentK #or every diversion, for every thrill our born nature
re;uires in this !arnival world, even to the point of apo!alypse, there are ris's to be ta'en) /o one is
safe, not even artEmagi!ians or esoteri! s!ientists, who are the most deluded among us be!ause they
are the most tempted by amusements of an un!anny and unnatural 'ind, fumbling as any artist or
s!ientist does with the inherent chaos o$ thin!s) "t was during the moments that " was loo'ing at all
the fa!es in the Crimson Cabaret, and thin'ing my own thoughts about those fa!es, that a shadow
again passed a!ross my foggy field of vision) 6hile " e(pe!ted to find that this shadow was Quisser,
my table !ompanion for that evening, on the way ba!' from his trip to the rest room, " instead found
myself !onfronted by the waitress who Quisser had !laimed was so loyal to the !rimson woman)
She as'ed if " wanted to order yet another !up of mint tea, saying it in e(a!tly these words, +et
another cu0 o$ mint tea) Trying not to be!ome irritated by her ;ueerly sar!asti! tone of voi!e, whi!h
would only have further aggravated my already ;ueasy stoma!h, " answered that " was :ust about to
leave for the night) Then " added that perhaps my friend wanted to drin' +et another glass of wine,
pointing a!ross the table to indi!ate the empty glass Quisser had left behind when he e(!used
himself to use the rest room) %ut there was no empty wine glass a!ross the tableC there was only my
empty !up of mint tea) " immediately a!!used the waitress of ta'ing away the empty wine glass
while " was distra!ted by my reverie upon the fa!es in the Crimson Cabaret) %ut she denied ever
serving any glass of wine to anyone at my table, insisting that " had been alone from the moment "
arrived at the !lub and sat down at the table a!ross the room from the small stage area) After a
thorough sear!h of the rest room, " returned and tried to find someone else in the !lub who had seen
the art !riti! Quisser tal'ing to me at great length about his gas station !arnivals) %ut all of them
said they had seen no one of the 'ind)
.ven Quisser himself, when " tra!'ed him down the ne(t day to a holeEinEtheEwall art gallery,
maintained that he had not seen me the night before) &e said that he had spent the entire evening at
home by himself, !laiming that he had suffered some indisposition D some 'u!, he said D from
whi!h he had sin!e fully re!overed) 6hen " !alled him a liar, he stepped right up to me as we stood
in the middle of that holeEinEtheEwall art gallery, and in a tense whisper he said that " should B6at!h
my words)* " was always shooting off my mouth, he said, and in the future " should use more
dis!retion in what " said and to whom " said it) &e then as'ed me if " really thought it was wise to
open my mouth at a party and !all someone a deluded no/talent) There were !ertain persons, he
said, that had powerful !onne!tions, and ", of all people, he said, should 'now better, !onsidering
my awareness of su!h things and the way " displayed this awareness in the stories " wrote) B/ot that
" disagreed with what you said about youE'nowEwho,* he said) B%ut " would not have made su!h an
open de!laration) >ou humiliated her) And these days su!h a thing !an be very perilous, if you 'now
what " mean)*
Of !ourse " did 'now what he meant, though " did not yet understand why he was now saying these
words to me, rather than " to him) 6as it not enough, " later thought, that " was still suffering a
terrible stoma!h disorderK Did " also have to bear the burden of another*s delusionK %ut even this
e(planation eventually fell to pie!es upon further in;uiry) The stories multiplied about the night of
that party, a!!ounts proliferated among my a!;uaintan!es and peers !on!erning e(a!tly .ho had
!ommitted the humiliating offen!e and even who had been the o$$ended 0art+) B6hy are you telling
me these thingsK* the !rimson woman said to me when " proffered my deepest apologies) B" barely
'now who you are) And besides, "*ve got enough problems of my own) That bit!h of a waitress here
at the !lub has ta'en down all my paintings and repla!ed them with her own)*
All of us had problems, it seemed, whose sour!es were untra!eable, !rossing over one another li'e
the tra:e!tories of !ountless raindrops in a storm, blending to !reate a fog of delusion and !ounterE
delusion) Powerful for!es and !onne!tions were undoubtedly at play, yet they seemed to have no
fa!es and no names, and it was anybody*s guess what we D a !rowd of deluded noEtalents D !ould
have possibly done to offend them) 6e had been !aught up in a season of hideous magi! from
whi!h nothing !ould offer us deliveran!e) More and more " found myself returning to those
memories of gas station !arnivals, see'ing an answer in the twilight of remote rural areas where
miniature merryEgoErounds and ferris wheels lay bro'en in a desolate lands!ape)
%ut there is no one here who will listen even to my most ab:e!t apologies, least of all the Showman,
who may be waiting behind any door Heven that leading to the rest room of the Crimson CabaretI)
And any room that " enter may be!ome a sideshow tent where " must ta'e my pla!e upon a ri!'ety
old ben!h on the verge of !ollapse) .ven now the Showman stands before my eyes) &is stiff red hair
moves a little toward one shoulder, as if he is going to turn his gaFe upon me, and moves ba!'
againC then his head moves a little toward the other shoulder in this neverEending game of horrible
pee'EaEboo) " !an only sit and wait, 'nowing that one day he will turn full around, step down from
his stage, and !laim me for the abyss " have always feared) Perhaps then " will dis!over what it was
" did D what any of us did D to deserve this fate)
T&. %8/$ALO6 &O8S.
.arly last September " dis!overed among the e(hibits in a lo!al art gallery a sort of performan!e
pie!e in the form of an audiotape) This, " later learned, was the first of a series of tapeEre!orded
dream monologues by an un'nown artist) The following is a brief and highly typi!al e(!erpt from
the opening se!tion of this wor') " re!all that after a few se!onds of hissing tape noise, the voi!e
began spea'ingJ BThere was far more to deal with in the bungalow house than simply an infestation
of vermin,* it said, Balthough that too had its ;uestionable aspe!ts)* Then the voi!e went onJ B" !ould
see only a few of the bodies where the moonlight shone through the open blinds of the livingEroom
windows and fell upon the !arpet) Only one of the bodies seemed to be moving, and that very
slowly, but there may have been more that were not yet dead) Aside from the !hair in whi!h " sat in
the dar'ness there was very little furniture in the room, or elsewhere in the bungalow house for that
matter) %ut a number of lamps were positioned around me, floor lamps and table lamps and even
two tiny lamps on the mantel above the firepla!e)*
A brief pause o!!urred here in the opening se!tion of the tapeEre!orded dream monologue, as "
remember it, after whi!h the voi!e !ontinuedJ BThe bungalow house was built with a firepla!e, "
said to myself in the dar'ness, thin'ing how long it had been sin!e anyone had made use of this
firepla!e, or anything else in the house) Then my attention returned to the lamps, and " began trying
ea!h of them one by one, twisting their little grooved swit!hes in the dar'ness) The moonlight fell
upon the lampshades without shining through them, so " !ould see that none of the lamps was
e;uipped with a lightbulb, and ea!h time " turned the swit!h of a floor lamp or a table lamp or one
of the tiny lamps on the mantel, nothing !hanged in the dar' living room of the bungalow houseJ the
moonlight shone through the dusty blinds and revealed the bodies of inse!ts and other vermin on the
pale !arpet)*
BThe !hallenges and obsta!les fa!ing me in that bungalow house were be!oming more and more
oppressive,* whispered the voi!e on the tape) BThere was something so desolate about being in that
pla!e in the dead of night, even if " did not 'now pre!isely what time it was) And to see upon the
pale, threadbare !arpet those verminous bodies, some of whi!h were still barely aliveC then to try
ea!h of the lamps and find that none of them was in wor'ing order D everything, it seemed, was in
opposition to my efforts, everything aligned against my ta'ing !are of the problems " fa!ed in the
bungalow house) #or the first time " noti!ed that the bodies lying for the most part in total stillness
on the moonlit !arpet were not li'e any spe!ies of vermin " had ever seen,* the voi!e on the tape
re!ording said) BSome of them seemed to be deformed, their naturally revolting forms altered in
ways " !ould not dis!ern) " 'new that " would re;uire spe!ialiFed implements for dealing with these
!reatures, an arsenal of advan!ed tools of e(termination) "t was the idea of poisons D the to(i!
solutions and vapors " would need to use in my assault upon the bungalow hordes D that !aused me
to be!ome overwhelmed by the !omple(ities of the tas' before me and the pau!ity of my resour!es
for dealing with them)*
At this point, and many others on the tape Has " re!allI, the voi!e be!ame nearly inaudible) BThe
bungalow house,* it said, Bwas su!h a blea' environment in whi!h to ma'e a standJ the moonlight
through the dusty blinds, the bodies on the !arpet, the lamps without any lightbulbs) And the
in!redible silen!e) "t was not the absen!e of sounds that " sensed, but the stifling of innumerable
sounds and even voi!es, the muffling of all the noises one might e(pe!t to hear in an old bungalow
house in the dead of night, as well as !ountless other sounds and voi!es) The for!es re;uired to
a!!omplish this silen!e filled me with awe) The in$inite terror and dreariness o$ an in$ested
'un!alo. house, " whispered to myself) A 'un!alo. universe, " then thought without spea'ing
aloud) Suddenly " was over!ome by a feeling of euphori! hopelessness whi!h passed through my
body li'e a powerful drug and held all my thoughts and all my movements in a dreamy, floating
suspension) "n the moonlight that shone through the blinds of that bungalow house " was now as
still and as silent as everything else)*
The title of the tapeEre!orded artwor' from whi!h " have :ust ;uoted was The Bun!alo. House
5&lus #ilence6) " dis!overed this and other dream monologues by the same artist at Dalha D) #ine
Arts, whi!h was lo!ated in the near vi!inity of the publi! library Hmain bran!hI where " was
employed in the Language and Literature department) Sometimes " spent my lun!h brea's at the
gallery, even !onsuming my brownEbag meals on the premises) There were a few !hairs and
ben!hes on the floor of the gallery, and " 'new that the woman who owned the pla!e did not
dis!ourage any 'ind of traffi!, however lingering) &er a!tual livelihood was in fa!t not derived from
the gallery itself) &ow !ould it have beenK Dalha D) #ine Arts was a hole in the wall) One would
thin' it no trouble at all to 'eep up the premises where there was so little floor spa!e, :ust a single
room that was by no means over!rowded with artwor's or artErelated mer!handise) %ut no attempt
at su!h up'eeping seemed ever to have been made) The display window was so filmy that someone
passing by !ould barely ma'e out the paintings and s!ulptures behind it Hthe same ones year after
yearI) #rom the street outside, this tiny front window presented the most desolate hallu!ination of
bland !olors and shapeless forms, espe!ially on late /ovember afternoons) #urther inside the
gallery, things were in a similar state D from the !ruddy linoleum floor, where some !ra!'ed tiles
revealed the !on!rete foundation, to the rather high !eiling, whi!h o!!asionally sent down small
!hips of plaster) "f every artwor' and item of artErelated mer!handise had been !leared out of that
building, no one would thin' that an art gallery had on!e o!!upied this spa!e and not some
enterprise of a lesser order) %ut as many persons were aware, if only through se!ondEhand sour!es,
the woman who operated Dalha D) #ine Arts did not ma'e her living by dealing in those artwor's
and related items, whi!h only the most desperate or s!andalously naTve artist would allow to be put
on display in that gallery) %y all a!!ounts, in!luding my own brief lun!htime !onversations with the
woman, she had pursued a variety of !areers in her time) She herself had wor'ed as an artist at one
point, and some of her wor's D messy assemblages inside old !igar bo(es D were e(hibited in a
!orner of her gallery) %ut evidently her art gallery business was not selfEsustaining, despite minimal
overhead, and she made no se!ret of her true means of in!ome)
B6ho wants to buy su!h :un'K* she on!e e(plained to me, gesturing with long fingernails painted
emerald green) This same !olor also seemed to dominate her wardrobe of long, loose garments, with
many of her outfits featuring in!redible s!arves or shawls that dragged along the floor as she moved
about the art gallery) She paused and with the pointed toe of one of her emeraldEgreen shoes gave a
little 'i!' at a wire wastebas'et that was filled with the miniature limbs of dolls, all of them
individually painted in a variety of !olors) B6hat are people thin'ing when they ma'e these thingsK
6hat was " thin'ing with those stupid !igar bo(esK %ut no more of that, definitely no more of that
sort of thing)*
And she made no se!ret, beyond a !ertain reasonable !aution, of what sort of thing now engaged her
energies as a businesswoman) The telephone was always ringing at her art gallery, always upsetting
the otherwise dead !alm of the pla!e with its !ra!'ed, warbling voi!e that !alled out from the ba!'
room) She would then ;ui!'ly disappear behind a !urtain that hung in the doorway separating the
front and ba!' se!tions of the art gallery) " might be eating a sandwi!h or a pie!e of fruit, and then
suddenly, for the fourth or fifth time in a halfEhour, the telephone would s!ream from the ba!'
room, eventually summoning this woman behind the !urtain) %ut she never answered the telephone
with the name of the art gallery or employed any of the sto!' phrases of business proto!ol) /ot so
mu!h as a B$ood afternoon, may " help youK* did " ever hear from the ba!' room as " sat eating my
midday meal in the front se!tion of the art gallery) She always answered the telephone in the same
way with the same ;uietly e(pe!tant tone in her voi!e) This is %alha, she always said)
%efore " had 'nown her very long even " found myself using her name in the most familiar way)
The mere saying of this name instilled in me a sense of access to what she offered all those
telephoneE!allers, not to mention those individuals who personally visited the art gallery to ma'e or
!onfirm an appointment) 6hatever someone was eager to try, whatever step someone was willing to
ta'e D Dalha !ould arrange it) This was the true sto!' in trade of the art gallery, these arran!ements)
6hen " returned to the library after my lun!h brea', " !ontinued to imagine Dalha ba!' at the art
gallery, ra!ing between the front and ba!' se!tions of the building, ma'ing all 'inds of
arrangements over the telephone, and sometimes in person)
On the day that " first noti!ed the new artwor' entitled The Bun!alo. House, Dalha*s telephone was
e(tremely vo!al) 6hile she was tal'ing to her !lients in the ba!' se!tion of the art gallery, " was left
alone in the front se!tion) Gust for a thrill " went over to the wire wastebas'et full of dismembered
doll parts and helped myself to one of the painted arms Hemerald greenLI, hiding it in the inner
po!'et of my sport!oat) "t was then that " spotted the old audiotape re!order on a small plasti! table
in the !orner) %eside the ma!hine was a business !ard on whi!h the title of the artwor' had been
handEprinted, along with the following instru!tionsJ P.SS PLA>) PL.AS. .6"/D A#T.
L"ST./"/$) DO /O .MO+. TAP.) " pla!ed the headphones over my ears and pressed the
PLA> button) The voi!e that spo'e through the headphones, whi!h were enormous, sounded distant
and was somewhat distorted by the hissing of the tape) /evertheless, " was so intrigued by the
opening passages of this dream monologue, whi!h " have already trans!ribed, that " sat down on the
floor ne(t to the small plasti! table on whi!h the tape re!order was positioned and listened to the
entire tape, e(!eeding my allotted lun!htime by over half an hour) %y the time the tape had ended "
was in another world D that is, the world of the infested bungalow house, with all its dreamli'e
!rumminess and foul !harms)
BDon*t forget to rewind the tape,* said Dalha, who was now standing over me, her long gray hair,
li'e steel wool, almost brushing against my fa!e)
" pressed the .6"/D button on the tape re!order and got up from the floor) BDalha, may " use
your lavatoryK* " as'ed) She pointed to the !urtain leading to the ba!' se!tion of the art gallery)
BThan' you,* " said)
The effe!t of listening to the first dream monologue was very intense for reasons " will soon
e(plain) " wanted to be alone for a few moments in order to preserve the state of mind whi!h the
voi!e on the tape had indu!ed in me, mu!h as one might attempt to hold on to the images of a dream
:ust after wa'ing) &owever, " felt that the lavatory at the library, despite its pe!uliar virtues whi!h "
have appre!iated over the years, would somehow undermine the sensations and mental state !reated
by the dream monologue, rather than preserving this e(perien!e and even enhan!ing it, as " hoped
the lavatory in the ba!' se!tion of Dalha*s art gallery would do)
The very reason why " spent my lun!htimes in the surroundings of Dalha*s art gallery, whi!h were
so different from those of the library, was e(a!tly why " now wanted to use the lavatory in the ba!'
se!tion of that art gallery and definitely not the lavatory at the library, even if " was already overdue
from my lun!h brea') And, indeed, this lavatory had the same ;ualities as the rest of the art gallery,
as " hoped it would) The fa!t that it was lo!ated in the ba!' se!tion of the art gallery, a region of
mysteries to my mind, was signifi!ant) Gust outside the door of the lavatory stood a small, !luttered
des' upon whi!h was positioned the telephone that Dalha used in her true business of ma'ing
arrangements) The telephone was !entered in the wea' light of a des' lamp, and " noti!ed, as "
passed into the lavatory, that it was an unwieldy ob:e!t with a straight D that is, uncoiled D !ord
!onne!ting the re!eiver to the telephone housing, with its enormous !ir!ular dial) %ut although
Dalha answered several !alls during the time " was in the lavatory, these seemed to be entirely
legitimate !onversations having to do either with her personal life or with pra!ti!al matters relating
to the art gallery)
B&ow long are you going to be in thereK* Dalha as'ed through the door of the lavatory) B" hope
you*re not si!', be!ause if you*re si!' you*ll have to go somewhere else)*
" !alled out that there was nothing wrong H;uite the oppositeI and a moment later emerged from the
lavatory) " was about to as' for details of the art performan!e tape " had :ust heard, an(ious to 'now
about the artist and what it would !ost me to own the wor' entitled The Bun!alo. House, as well as
any similar wor's that might e(ist) %ut the phone began ringing again) Dalha answered it with her
!ustomary greeting as " stood by in the ba!' se!tion of the art gallery, whi!h was a dar', though
relatively un!luttered spa!e that now put me in mind of the living room of the bungalow house that
" had heard des!ribed on the tapeEre!orded dream monologue) The !onversation in whi!h Dalha was
engaged Hanother nonEarrangement !allI seemed interminable, and " was be!oming nervously aware
how long past my lun!h brea' " had stayed at the storefront art gallery)
B"*ll see you tomorrow,* " said to Dalha, who responded with a loo' from her emerald eyes while
!ontinuing to spea' to the other party on the telephone) And she was smiling at me, like muted
lau!hter, " remember thin'ing as " passed through the !urtained doorway into the front se!tion of
the art gallery) " glan!ed at the tape re!order standing on the plasti! table but de!ided against ta'ing
the audio!assette ba!' to the library Hand afterward home with meI) "t would be there when " visited
on my lun!h brea' the following day) &ardly anyone ever bought anything out of the front se!tion
of Dalha*s art gallery)
#or the rest of the day D both at the library and at my home D " thought about the bungalow house
tape) .spe!ially while riding the bus home from the library, " thought of the images and !on!epts
des!ribed on the tape, as well as the voi!e that des!ribed them and the phrases it used throughout
the dream monologue on the bungalow house) Mu!h of my !ommute from my home to the library,
and ba!' home again, too' me past numerous streets lined from end to end with desolateEloo'ing
houses, any of whi!h might have been the inspiration for the bungalow house audiotape) " say that
these streets were lined from Bend to end* with su!h houses, even though the bus never turned down
any of them, and " therefore never a!tually viewed even a single street from Bend to end)* "n fa!t, as
" loo'ed through the window ne(t to my seat on the bus D on either side of the bus " always sat in
the window seat, never in the aisle seat D the streets " saw appeared endless, vanishing from my
sight toward an infinity of old houses, many of them dereli!t houses and a great many of them being
dwarfish and desolateEloo'ing houses of the bungalow type)
The tapeEre!orded dream monologue, as " re!alled it that day while riding home on the bus and
staring out the window, des!ribed several features of the infested bungalow house D the dusty
window blinds through whi!h the moonlight shone, the lamps with all their lightbulb so!'ets empty,
the threadbare !arpet, and the dead or barely living vermin that littered the !arpet) Thus, " was
afforded an interior view of the bungalow house by the voi!e on the tape, not a view from the
e(terior) Conversely, the houses " gaFed upon with su!h intensity as " rode the bus to and from the
library were seen by me only from an e(terior perspe!tive, their interiors being visible solely in my
imagination) Of !ourse my sense of these interiors, being entirely an imaginative pro:e!tion, was
highly vague, la!'ing the pre!ise physi!al layout provided by the bungalow house audiotape)
Similarly, the dreams " often had of these houses were highly vague) >et the sensations and the
mental state !reated by my imaginative pro:e!tions into and my dreams o$ these houses perfe!tly
!orresponded to those " had e(perien!ed at Dalha*s art gallery when " listened to the tape entitled
The Bun!alo. House) That feeling of being in a tran!e while o!!upying, all alone, the most blea'
and patheti! surroundings of an old bungalow house was !ommuni!ated to me in the most powerful
way by the voi!e on the tape, whi!h des!ribed a silent and se!luded world where one e(isted in a
state of ab:e!t hypnosis) 6hile sitting on the floor of the art gallery listening to the voi!e as it spo'e
through those enormous headphones, " had the sense that " was not simply hearin! the words of that
dream monologue but also readin! them) 6hat " mean is that whenever " have the o!!asion to read
words on a page, any words on any page, the voi!e that " hear saying these words in my head is
always re!ogniFable in some way as my own, even though the words are those of another) Perhaps
it is even more a!!urate to say that whenever " read words on a page, the voi!e in my head is my
own voi!e as it 'ecomes mer!ed Hor lostI within the words that " am reading) Conversely, when "
have the o!!asion to write words on a page, even a simple note or memo at the library, the voi!e
that " hear di!tating these words does not sound li'e my own D until, of !ourse, " read the words
ba!' to myself, at whi!h time everything is all right again) The bungalow house tape was the most
dramati! e(ample of this phenomenon " had ever 'nown) Despite the poor overall ;uality of the
re!ording, the distorted voi!e reading this dream monologue be!ame merged Hor lostI within my
own perfe!tly !lear voi!e in my head, even though " was listening to its words over a pair of
enormous headphones and not reading the words on a page) As " rode the bus home from the library,
observing street after street of houses so reminis!ent of the one des!ribed on the tapeEre!orded
dream monologue, " regretted not having a!;uired this artwor' on the spot or at least dis!overed
more about it from Dalha, who had been o!!upied with what seemed an unusual number of
telephone !alls that afternoon)
The following day at the library " was an(ious for lun!htime to arrive so that " !ould get over to the
art gallery and find out everything " possibly !ould about the bungalow house tape, as well as
dis!uss terms for its a!;uisition) .ntering the art gallery, " immediately loo'ed toward the !orner
where the tape re!order had been set on the small plasti! table the day before) #or some reason "
was relieved to find the e(hibit still in pla!e, as if any artwor' in that gallery !ould possibly have
!ome and gone in a single day)
" wal'ed over to the e(hibit with the purpose of verifying that everything " had seen Hand heardI the
previous day was e(a!tly as " remembered it) " !he!'ed that the audio!assette was still inside the
re!ording ma!hine and pi!'ed up the little business !ard on whi!h the title of the e(hibit was given,
along with instru!tions for properly operating the tapeEre!orded artwor') "t was then that " realiFed
that this was a different !ard from the first one) Printed on this !ard was the title of a new artwor',
whi!h was !alled The %erelict (actor+ .ith a %irt (loor and 1oices)
6hile " was very e(!ited to find a new wor' by this artist, " also felt intense apprehension at the
absen!e of the bungalow house dream monologue, whi!h " had planned to pur!hase with some e(tra
money " brought with me to the art gallery that day) Gust at that moment in whi!h " e(perien!ed the
dual sensations of e(!itement and apprehension, Dalha emerged from behind the !urtain separating
the ba!' and front se!tions of the art gallery) " had intended to be thoroughly blasN in negotiating
the pur!hase of the bungalow house artwor', but Dalha !aught me offEguard in a state of disoriented
!onfli!t)
B6hat happened to the bungalow house tape that was here yesterdayK* " as'ed, the tension in my
voi!e betraying desires that were all to her advantage)
BThat*s gone now,* she replied in a frigid tone as she wal'ed slowly and pointlessly about the
gallery, her emerald s'irt and s!arves dragging along the floor)
B" don*t understand) "t was an artwor' e(hibited on that small plasti! table)*
B>es,* she agreed)
B/ow, after only a single day on e(hibit, it*s goneK*
B>es, it*s gone)*
BSomebody bought it,* " said, assuming the worst)
B/o,* she said, Bthat one was not for sale) "t was a performan!e pie!e) There was a !harge, but +ou
didn*t pay)*
A si!'ly !onfusion now be!ame added to the e(!itement and disappointment already mingling
inside me) BThere was no noti!e of a !harge for listening to the dream monologue,* " insisted) BAs
far as " 'new, as far as anyone !ould 'now, it was an item for sale li'e everything else in this pla!e)*
BThe dream monologue, as you !all it, was an e(!lusive pie!e) The !harge was on the ba!' of the
!ard on whi!h the title was written, :ust as the !harge is on the ba!' of that !ard you are holding in
your hand)*
" turned the !ard to the reverse side, where the words BtwentyEfive dollars* were written in the same
hand that appeared on all the pri!e tags around the gallery) Spea'ing in the tones of an outraged
!ustomer, " said to Dalha, B>ou wrote the pri!e only on this !ard) There was nothing written on the
bungalow house !ard)* %ut even as " said these words " la!'ed the !onvi!tion that they were true) "n
any !ase, " 'new that if " wanted to hear the tape re!ording about the dereli!t fa!tory " would have
to pay what " owed, or what Dalha !laimed " owed, for listening to the bungalow house tape)
B&ere,* " said, removing my wallet from my ba!' po!'et, Bten, twenty, twentyEfive dollars for the
bungalow house, and another twentyEfive for listening to the tape now in the ma!hine)*
Dalha stepped forward, too' the fifty dollars " held out to her, and in her !oldest voi!e said, BThis
only !overs yesterday*s tape about the bungalow house, whi!h was !learly pri!ed at fifty dollars)
>ou must still pay twentyEfive dollars if you wish to listen to the tape today)*
B%ut why should the bungalow house tape !ost twentyEfive dollars more than the tape about the
dereli!t fa!toryK*
BThat is simply be!ause this is a less ambitious wor' than the one dealing with the bungalow
house)*
"n fa!t the tape re!ording entitled The %erelict (actor+ .ith a %irt (loor and 1oices was of shorter
duration than The Bun!alo. House 5&lus #ilence6, but " found it no less wonderful in pi!turing the
same Binfinite terror and dreariness)* #or appro(imately fifteen minutes Hon my lun!h brea'I "
embra!ed the degraded beauty of the dereli!t fa!tory D a narrow ruin that stood isolated upon a vast
plain, its bro'en windows allowing only the most meager haFe of moonlight to shine a!ross its floor
of hardEpa!'ed dirt where dead ma!hinery lay buried in a grave of shadows and languished in the
e!hoes of hollow, senseless voi!es) &ow utterly desolate, yet all the same wonderfully !omforting,
was the voi!e that !ommuni!ated its message to me through the medium of a tape re!ording) To
thin' that another person shared my love for the ic+ 'leakness o$ thin!s) The satisfa!tion " felt at
hearing that monotonal and somewhat distorted voi!e spea'ing so intimately of s!enes and
sensations that perfe!tly e!hoed !ertain aspe!ts of my own deepest nature D this was an e(perien!e
that even then, as " sat on the floor of Dalha*s art gallery listening to the tape through enormous
headphones, might have been heartbrea'ing) %ut " wanted to believe that the artist who !reated
these dream monologues about the bungalow house and the dereli!t fa!tory had not set out to brea'
my heart or anyone*s heart) " wanted to believe that this artist had es!aped the dreams and demons
of all sentiment in order to e(plore the foul and !rummy delights of a universe where everything
had been redu!ed to three star' prin!iplesJ first, that there was nowhere for you to goC se!ond, that
there was nothing for you to doC and third, that there was no one for you to 'now) Of !ourse " 'new
that this view was an illusion li'e any other, but it was also one that had sustained me so long and
so well D as long and as well as any other illusion and perhaps longer, perhaps better)
BDalha,* " said when " had finished listening to the tape re!ording, B" want you to tell me what you
'now about the artist who made these dream monologues) &e doesn*t even sign his wor's)*
#rom a!ross the front se!tion of the art gallery Dalha spo'e to me in a strange, somewhat flustered
voi!e) B6ell, why should you be surprised that he doesn*t sign his name to his wor's D that*s how
artists are these days) All over the pla!e they are signing their wor's only with some idioti! symbol
or a pie!e of !hewing gum or :ust leaving them unsigned altogether) 6hy should you !are what his
name isK 6hy should "K*
B%e!ause,* " answered, Bperhaps " !an persuade him to allow me to buy his wor's instead of sitting
on the floor of your art gallery and renting these performan!es on my lun!h brea')*
BSo you want to !ut me out entirely,* Dalha shouted ba!' in her old voi!e) B" am his dealer, " tell
you, and anything he has to sell you will buy throu!h me)*
B" don*t 'now why you*re getting so upset,* " said, standing up from the floor) B"*m willing to give
you a per!entage) All " as' is that you arrange something between myself and the artist)*
Dalha sat down in a !hair ne(t to the !urtained doorway separating the front and ba!' se!tions of
the art gallery) She pulled her emerald shawl around herself and said, B.ven if " wished to arrange
something " !ould not do it) " have no idea what his name is myself) A few nights ago he wal'ed up
to me on the street while " was waiting for a !ab to ta'e me home)*
B6hat does he loo' li'eK* " had to as' at that moment)
B"t was late at night and " was drun',* Dalha replied, somehow evasively it seemed to me)
B6as he a younger man, an older manK*
BAn older man, yes) /ot very tall, with bushy white hair li'e a professor of some 'ind) And he said
that he wanted to have an artwor' of his delivered to my gallery) " e(plained to him my usual terms
as best " !ould, sin!e " was so drun') &e agreed and then wal'ed off down the street) And that*s not
the best part of town to be wal'ing around all by yourself) 6ell, the ne(t day a pa!'age arrived with
the tapeEre!ording ma!hine and so forth) There were also some instru!tions whi!h e(plained that "
should destroy ea!h of the audiotapes before " leave the art gallery at the end of the day, and that a
new tape would arrive the following day and ea!h day thereafter) /o return address is provided on
these pa!'ages)*
BAnd did you destroy the bungalow house tapeK* " as'ed)
BOf !ourse,* said Dalha with some e(asperation, but also with insisten!e) B6hat do " !are about
some !raFy artist*s wor' or how he !ondu!ts his !areerK %esides, he guaranteed " would ma'e some
money on the deal, and here " am already with seventyEfive dollars)*
BSo why not sell me this dream monologue about the dereli!t fa!toryK " won*t say anything)*
Dalha was ;uiet for a moment, and then said, B&e told me that if " didn*t destroy the tapes ea!h day
he would 'now about it and that he would do something) "*ve forgotten e(a!tly what he said, " was
so drun' that night)*
B%ut ho. !ould he 'nowK* " as'ed, and in reply Dalha :ust stared at me in silen!e) BAll right, all
right,* " said) B%ut " still want you to ma'e an arrangement) >ou have his money for the bungalow
house tape and the tape about the dereli!t fa!tory) "f he*s any 'ind of artist, he*ll want to be paid)
6hen he gets in tou!h with you, that*s when you ma'e the arrangement for me) " won*t !heat you
out of your per!entage) " give you my .ord on that)*
B6hatever that*s worth,* Dalha said bitterly)
%ut she did agree that she would try to arrange something between myself and the tapeEre!ording
artist) " left the art gallery immediately after these negotiations, before Dalha !ould have any se!ond
thoughts) That afternoon, while " was wor'ing in the Language and Literature department of the
library, " !ould thin' about nothing but the dereli!t fa!tory that was so enti!ingly pi!tured on the
new audiotape) The bus that ta'es me to and from the library ea!h day of the wor'ing wee' always
passes su!h a stru!ture, whi!h stands isolated in the distan!e :ust as the artist des!ribed it in his
dream monologue)
That night " slept badly, thrashing about in my bed, not ;uite asleep and not ;uite awa'e) At times "
had the feeling there was someone else in my bedroom who was tal'ing to me, but of !ourse " !ould
not deal with this per!eption in any realisti! way, sin!e " was halfEasleep and halfEawa'e, and thus,
for all pra!ti!al purposes, " was out my mind)
Around three o*!lo!' in the morning the telephone rang) "n the dar'ness " rea!hed for my
eyeglasses, whi!h were on the nightstand ne(t to the telephone, and noted the luminous fa!e of my
alarm !lo!') " !leared my throat and said hello) The voi!e on the other end was Dalha*s)
B" tal'ed to him,* she said)
B6here did you tal' to himK* " as'ed) BOn the streetK*
B/o, no, not on the street,* she said, giggling a little) " thin' she must have been drun') B&e !alled
me on the telephone)*
B&e !alled you on the telephoneK* " repeated, imagining for a moment what it would be li'e to have
the voi!e of that artist spea' to me over the telephone and not merely on a re!orded audiotape)
B>es, he !alled me on the telephone)*
B6hat did he sayK*
B6ell, " !ould tell you if you would stop as'ing so many ;uestions)*
BTell me)*
B"t was only a few minutes ago that he !alled) &e said that he would meet you tomorrow at the
library where you wor')*
B>ou told him about meK* " as'ed, and then there was a long silen!e) BDalhaK* " prompted)
B" told him that you wanted to buy his tape re!ordings) That*s all)*
BThen how did he 'now that " wor'ed at the libraryK*
BAs' him yourself) " have no idea) "*ve done my part)*
Then Dahla said goodEbye and hung up before " !ould say goodEbye ba!' to her)
After tal'ing to Dalha " found it impossible to sleep anymore that night, even if it was only a state
of halfEsleeping and halfEwa'ing) All " !ould thin' about was meeting the artist of the dream
monologues) So " got myself ready to go to wor', rushing as if " were late, and wal'ed up to the
!orner of my street to wait for the bus)
"t was very !old as " sat waiting in the bus shelter) There was a sliver of moon high in the bla!'ness
above, with several hours remaining before sunrise) Somehow " felt that " was waiting for the bus
on the first day of a new s!hool year, sin!e after all the month was September, and " was so filled
with both fear and e(!itement) 6hen the bus finally arrived " saw that there were only a few other
early risers headed for downtown) " too' one of the ba!' seats and stared out the window, my own
fa!e staring ba!' at me in bla!' refle!tion)
At the ne(t shelter we approa!hed " noti!ed that another lone bus rider was seated on the ben!h
waiting to be pi!'ed up) &is !lothes were dar'E!olored Hin!luding a long, loose over!oat and hatI,
and he sat up very straight, his arms held !lose to his body and his hands resting on his lap) &is
head was slightly bowed, and " !ould not see the fa!e beneath his hat) &is physi!al attitude, "
thought to myself as we approa!hed the lighted bus shelter, was one of dis!iplined repose) " was
surprised that he did not stand up as the bus !ame nearer to the shelter, and ultimately we passed
him by) " wanted to say something to the driver of the bus but a strong feeling of both fear and
e(!itement made me 'eep my silen!e)
The bus finally dropped me off in front of the library, and " ran up the tiered stairway that led to the
main entran!e) Through the thi!' glass doors " !ould see that only a few lights illuminated the
spa!ious interior of the library) After rapping on the glass for a few moments " saw a figure dressed
in a maintenan!e man*s uniform appear in the shadowy distan!e inside the building) " rapped some
more and the man slowly pro!eeded down the library*s vaulted !entral hallway)
B$ood morning, &enry,* " said as the door opened)
B&ello, sir,* he replied without standing aside to allow my entran!e to the library) B>ou 'now "*m not
supposed to open these doors before it*s time for them to be open)*
B"*m a little early, " realiFe, but "*m sure it will be all right to let me inside) " wor' here, after all)*
B" 'now you do, sir) %ut a few days ago " got tal'ed to about these doors being open when they
shouldn*t be) "t*s be!ause of the stolen property)*
B6hat property is that, &enryK %oo'sK*
B/o, sir) " thin' it was something from the media department) Maybe a video !amera or a tape
re!order) " don*t 'now e(a!tly)*
B6ell, you have my word D :ust let me through the door and "*ll go right upstairs to my des') "*ve
got a lot of wor' to do today)*
&enry eventually obliged my re;uest, and " did as " told him " would do)
The library was a great building as a whole, but the Language and Literature department Hse!ond
floorI was lo!ated in a relatively small area D narrow and long with a high !eiling and a row of tall,
paned windows along one wall) The other walls were lined with boo's, and most of the floor spa!e
was devoted to long study tables) #or the most part, though, the room in whi!h " wor'ed was fairly
open from end to end) Two large ar!hways led to other parts of the library, and a normalEsiFed
doorway led to the sta!'s where most of the bibliographi! holdings were stored, millions of
volumes standing silent and out of sight along endless rows of shelves) "n the preEdawn dar'ness the
true dimensions of the Language and Literature department were now obs!ure) Only the moon
shining high in the bla!'ness through those tall windows revealed to me the lo!ation of my des',
whi!h was in the middle of the long narrow room)
" found my way over to my des' and swit!hed on the small lamp that years ago " had brought from
home) H/ot that " re;uired the added illumination as " wor'ed at my des' at the library, but " did
en:oy the blea'ly oldEfashioned appearan!e of this ob:e!t)I #or a moment " thought of the bungalow
house where none of the lamps were e;uipped with lightbulbs and moonlight shone through the
windows upon a !arpet littered with vermin) Somehow " was unable to !all up the spe!ial sensations
and mental state that " asso!iated with this dream monologue, even though my present situation of
being alone in the Language and Literature department some hours before dawn was intensely
dreamli'e)
/ot 'nowing what else to do, " sat down at my des' as if " were beginning my normal wor'day) "t
was then that " noti!ed a large envelope lying on top of my des', although " !ould not re!all its
being there when " left the library the day before) The envelope loo'ed old and faded under the dim
light of the des' lamp) There was no writing on either side of the envelope, whi!h was bulging
slightly and had been sealed)
B6ho*s thereK* a voi!e !alled out that barely sounded li'e my own) " had seen something out of the
!orner of my eye while e(amining the envelope at my des') " !leared my throat) B&enryK* " as'ed
the dar'ness without loo'ing up from my des' or turning to either side) /o answer was offered in
reply, but " !ould feel that someone else had :oined me in the Language and Literature department
of the library)
" slowly turned my head to the right and fo!used on the ar!hway some distan!e a!ross the room) At
the !enter of this aperture, whi!h led to another room where moonlight shone through tall, paned
windows, stood a figure in silhouette) " !ould not see his fa!e but immediately re!ogniFed the long,
loose over!oat and hat) "t was indeed the statueEli'e individual whom " had seen in the bus shelter
as " rode to the library in the preEdawn dar'ness) /ow he was there to meet me that day in the
library, as he had told Dalha he would do) At that moment it seemed beside the point to as' how he
had gotten into the library or even to bother about introdu!tions) " simply laun!hed into a
monologue that " had been !onstantly rehearsing sin!e Dalha telephoned me earlier that morning)
B"*ve been wanting to meet you,* " started) B>our dream monologues, whi!h is what " !all them,
have impressed me very mu!h) That is to say, your art.orks are li'e nothing else " have ever
e(perien!ed, either artisti!ally or e(traEartisti!ally) "t seems in!redible to me how well you have
e(pressed sub:e!t matter with whi!h " myself am intimately familiar) Of !ourse, " am not referring
to the sub:e!t matter as su!h D the bungalow house and so on D e(!ept as it !alls forth your
underlying vision of things) 6hen D in your tapeEre!orded monologues D your voi!e spea's su!h
phrases as Rinfinite terror and drearinessS or R!easeless negation of !olor and life,S " believe that my
response is e(a!tly that whi!h you intend for those who e(perien!e your artwor's)*
" !ontinued in this vein for a while longer, spea'ing to the silhouette of someone who betrayed no
sign that he heard anything " said) At some point, however, my monologue veered off in a dire!tion
" had not intended it to ta'e) Suddenly " began to say things that had nothing to do with what " had
said before and that even !ontradi!ted my former statements)
B#or as long as " !an remember,* " said, !ontinuing to spea' to the figure standing in the ar!hway, B"
have had an intense and highly aestheti! per!eption of what " !all the ic+ 'leakness o$ thin!s) At the
same time " have felt a great loneliness in this per!eption) This !on:un!tion of feelings seems
parado(i!al, sin!e su!h a per!eption, su!h a view of things, would seem to pre!lude the emotion of
loneliness, or any sense of a killin! sadness, as " thin' of it) All su!h heartbrea'ing sentiment, as
usually !onsidered, would seem to be on its 'nees before artwor's su!h as yours, whi!h so
powerfully e(press what " have !alled the i!y blea'ness of things, submerging or devastating all
sentiment in an atmosphere potent with desolate truths, permeated throughout with a visionary
stagnation and lifelessness) >et " must observe that the effe!t, as " now !onsider it, has been :ust the
opposite) "f it was your intent to evo'e the i!y blea'ness of things with your dream monologues,
then you have totally failed on both an artisti! and an e(traEartisti! level) >ou have failed your art,
you have failed yourself, and you have also failed me) "f your artwor's had really evo'ed the true
blea'ness of things, then " would not have felt this need to 'now who you are, this 'illing sadness
that there was a!tually someone who e(perien!ed the same sensations and mental states as " did and
who !ould share them with me in the form of tapeEre!orded dream monologues) 6ho are +ou that "
should feel this need to go to wor' hours before the sun !omes up, that " should feel this was
something " had to do and that you were someone that " had to 'nowK This behavior violates every
prin!iple by whi!h " have lived for as long as " !an remember) 6ho are you to !ause me to violate
these longElived prin!iplesK " thin' it*s all be!oming !lear to me now) Dalha put you up to this) >ou
and Dalha are in a !onspira!y against me and against my prin!iples) .very day Dalha is on the
telephone ma'ing all 'inds of arrangements for profit, and she !annot stand the idea that all " do is
sit there in pea!e, eating my lun!h in her hideous art gallery) She feels that "*m !heating her
somehow be!ause she*s not ma'ing a profit from me, be!ause " never paid her to ma'e an
arrangement for me) Don*t try to deny what " now 'now is true) %ut you !ould say something, in
any !ase) Gust a few words spo'en with that voi!e of yours) Or at least let me see your fa!e) And
you !ould ta'e off that ridi!ulous hat) "t*s li'e something Dalha would wear)*
%y this time " was on my feet and wal'ing Hstaggering, in fa!tI toward the figure that stood in the
ar!hway) All the while " was wal'ing, or staggering, toward the figure " was also demanding that he
answer my a!!usations) %ut as " wal'ed forward between the long study tables toward the ar!hway,
the figure standing there re!eded ba!'ward into the dar'ness of the ne(t room, where moonlight
shone through tall, paned windows) The !loser " !ame to him the farther he re!eded into the
dar'ness) And he did not re!ede into the dar'ness by ta'ing steps ba!'ward, as " was ta'ing steps
forward, but moved in some other way that even now " !annot spe!ify, as though he were floating)
Gust before the figure disappeared !ompletely into the dar'ness he finally spo'e to me) &is voi!e
was the same one that " had heard over those enormous headphones in Dalha*s art gallery, e(!ept
now there was no interferen!e, no distortion in the words that it spo'e) These words, whi!h
resounded in my brain as they resounded in the highE!eilinged rooms of the library, were su!h that "
should have wel!omed them, for they e!hoed my very own, deeply private prin!iples) >et " too' no
!omfort in hearing another voi!e tell me that there was nowhere for me to go, nothing for me to do,
and no one for me to 'now)
The ne(t voi!e " heard was that of &enry, who shouted up the wide stone stair!ase from the ground
floor of the library) B"s everything all right, sirK* he as'ed) " !omposed myself and was able to
answer that everything was all right) " as'ed him to turn the lights on for the se!ond floor of the
library) "n a minute the lights were on, but by then the man in the hat and long, loose over!oat was
gone)
6hen " !onfronted Dalha at her art gallery later that day, she was not in the least forth!oming with
respe!t to my ;uestions and a!!usations) B>ou*re !raFy,* she s!reamed at me) B" want nothing more
to do with you)*
6hen " as'ed Dalha what she was tal'ing about, she said, B>ou really don7t 'now, do youK >ou
really are a !raFy man) >ou don*t remember that night you !ame up to me on the street while " was
waiting for a !ab to show up)*
6hen " told her " re!alled doing nothing of the 'ind, she !ontinued her ane!dote of that night, along
with an a!!ount of subse;uent events) B"*m standing there so drun' " !an hardly understand what
you*re saying to me about some little game you are playing) Then you send me the tapes) Then you
!ome in and pay to listen to the tapes, e(a!tly as you said you would) Gust in time " remember that
"*m supposed to lie to you that the tapes are the wor' of a whiteEhaired old man, when in fa!t you*re
the one who*s ma'ing the tapes) " 'new you were !raFy, but this was the only money " ever made
off you, even though day after day you !ome and eat your patheti! lun!h in my gallery) 6hen " saw
you that night, " !ouldn*t tell at first who it was wal'ing up to me on the street) >ou did loo'
different, and you were wearing that stupid hat) Soon enough, though, " !an see that it*s you) And
you*re pretending to be someone else, but not really pretending, " don*t 'now) And then you tell me
that " must destroy the tapes, and if " don*t destroy them something will happen) 6ell, let me tell
you, !raFy man,* Dalha said, B" did not destroy those tape re!ordings) " let all my friends hear them)
6e sat around getting drun' and laughing our heads off at your stupid dream monolo!ues) &ere,
another one of your artwor's arrived in the mail today,* she said while wal'ing a!ross the floor of
the art gallery to the tape ma!hine that was positioned on the small plasti! table) B6hy don*t you
listen to it and pay me the money you promised) This loo's li'e a good one,* she said, pi!'ing up
the little !ard that bore the title of the wor') BThe Bus #helter, it says) That should be very e(!iting
for you D a bus shelter) Pay upL*
BDalha,* " said in a laboriously !alm voi!e, Bplease listen to me) >ou have to ma'e another
arrangement) " need to have another meeting with the tapeEre!ording artist) >ou*re the only one who
!an arrange for this to happen) Dalha, "*m afraid for both of us if you don*t agree to ma'e this
arrangement) " need to spea' with him again)*
BThen why don*t you :ust go tal' into a mirror) There,* she said, pointing to the !urtain that
separated the front se!tion from the ba!' se!tion of the art gallery) B$o into the bathroom li'e you
did the other day and tal' to yourself in the mirror)*
B" didn*t tal' to myself in the bathroom, Dalha)*
B/oK 6hat were you doing thenK*
BDalha, you have to ma'e the arrangement) >ou are the goEbetween) &e will !onta!t you if you
agree to let him)*
BWho will !onta!t meK*
This was a fair ;uestion for Dalha to as', but it was also one that " !ould not answer) " told her that "
would return to tal' to her the ne(t day, hoping she would have !almed down by then)
8nfortunately, " never saw Dalha again) That night she was found dead on the street) Presumably
she had been waiting for a !ab to ta'e her home from a bar or a party or some other human
gathering pla!e where she had gotten very drun') %ut it was not her drin'ing or her e(hausting
bohemian so!ial life that 'illed Dalha) She had, in fa!t, !ho'ed to death while waiting for a !ab very
late at night) &er body was ta'en to a hospital for e(amination) There it was dis!overed that an
ob:e!t had been lodged inside her) Someone, it appeared, had violently thrust something down her
throat) The ob:e!t, as des!ribed in a newspaper arti!le, was the Bsmall plasti! arm of a toy doll)*
6hether this doll*s arm had been painted emerald green, or any other !olor, was not mentioned in
the arti!le) Surely the poli!e sear!hed through Dalha D) #ine Arts and found many more su!h
ob:e!ts arranged in a wire wastebas'et, ea!h of them painted different !olors) /o doubt they also
found the e(hibit of the dream monologues with its unsigned artwor's and tape re!order stolen from
the library) %ut they !ould never have made the !onne!tion between these tapeEre!orded artwor's
and the grotes;ue death of the gallery owner)
After that night " no longer felt the desperate need to possess the monologues, not even the final bus
shelter tape, whi!h " have never heard) " was now in possession of the original handwritten
manus!ripts from whi!h the tapeEre!ording artist had !reated his dream monologues and whi!h he
had left for me in a large envelope on my des' at the library) .ven then he 'new, as " did not 'now,
that after our first meeting we would never meet again) The handwriting on the manus!ript pages is
somewhat li'e my own, although the slant of the letters betrays a leftEhanded writer, whereas " am
rightEhanded) Over and over " read the dream monologues about the bus shelter and the dereli!t
fa!tory and espe!ially about the bungalow house, where the moonlight shines upon a !arpet littered
with the bodies of vermin) " try to e(perien!e the infinite terror and dreariness of a bungalow
universe in the way " on!e did, but it is not the same as it on!e was) There is no !omfort in it, even
though the vision and the underlying prin!iples are still the same) " 'now in a way " never 'new
before that there is nowhere for me to go, nothing for me to do, and no one for me to 'now) The
voi!e in my head 'eeps re!iting these old prin!iples of mine) The voi!e is his voi!e, and the voi!e is
also my voi!e) And there are other voi!es, voi!es " have never heard before, voi!es that seem to be
either dead or dying in a great moonlit dar'ness) More than ever, some sort of new arrangement
seems in order, some dramati! and un'nown arrangement D anything to find release from this
heartbrea'ing sadness " suffer every minute of the day Hand nightI, this 'illing sadness that feels as
if it will never leave me no matter where " go or what " do or whom " may ever 'now)
S.+."/"
"was the only one among a lo!al !ir!le of a!;uaintan!es and asso!iates who had never met Severini)
8nli'e the rest of them " was not in the least moved to visit him along with the others at that
isolated residen!e whi!h had be!ome 'nown as BSeverini*s Sha!')* There was a ;uestion of my
deli'eratel+ avoiding an en!ounter with this e(traordinary individual, but even " myself had no idea
whether or not this was true) My !uriosity was :ust as developed as that of the rest of them, more so
in fa!t) >et some 'ind of s!ruple or spe!ial an(iety 'ept me away from what the others !elebrated as
the Bspe!ta!le of Severini)*
Of !ourse " !ould not es!ape a se!ondEhand 'nowledge of their Severini visits) .a!h of these trips to
that lonesome hovel some distan!e outside the !ity where " used to live was a great adventure, they
reported, an e(!ursion into the most obs!ure and idiosyn!rati! nightmares) The figure that presided
over these salonEli'e gatherings was e(tremely unstable and inspired in his visitors a sense of lurid
anti!ipation, an unfo!used e(pe!tation that sometimes rea!hed the pit!h of luna!y) Afterward "
would hear detailed a!!ounts from one person or another of what had o!!urred during a parti!ular
evening within the !onfines of the notorious sha!', whi!h was situated at the edge of a wildly
overgrown and swampy tra!t of land 'nown as St Alban*s Marsh, a pla!e that some !laimed had a
sinister pertinen!e to Severini himself) O!!asionally " would ma'e notes of these a!!ounts,
indulging myself in a type of imaginative and also highly analyti!al re!ordE'eeping) #or the most
part, however, " simply absorbed all of these Severini ane!dotes in a wholly natural and organi!
fashion, mu!h as " assimilated so many things in the world around me, without any awareness D or
even a possibility of awareness D that these things might be nourishing or no(ious or purely neutral)
#rom the beginning, " admit, it was my tenden!y to be highly re!eptive to whatever someone might
have to say regarding Severini, his sha!'Eli'e home, and the marshy lands!ape in whi!h he had
ens!on!ed himself) Then, during private moments when " returned to the small apartment in whi!h "
resided during this period of my life, " would re!reate in my imagination the phenomena that had
been related to me in !onversations held at diverse pla!es and times) "t was rare that " a!tively urged
the others to elaborate on any spe!ifi! aspe!t of their adventures with Severini, but several times "
did betray myself when the sub:e!t arose of his past life before he set himself up in a marshland
sha!')
A!!ording to firstEhand witnesses Hthat is, persons who had a!tually made the pilgrimage to that
isolated and !rumbling sha!'I, Severini !ould be ;uite tal'ative about his personal history,
parti!ularly the motives and events that most dire!tly !ulminated in his present life) /evertheless,
these persons also admitted that the Bmarvelous hermit* HSeveriniI displayed a !onspi!uous
disregard for !ommon fa!ts and for truths of a literal sort) Thus he was often given to spea'ing
about himself by way of ambiguous parables and metaphors, not to mention outrageous ane!dotes,
the fa!ts of whi!h always seemed to !an!el out one another, as well as outright lies whi!h afterward
he himself would sometimes e(pose as su!h) %ut mu!h of the time D and in the opinion of some, all
of the time D Severini*s spee!h too' the form of total nonsense, as though he were tal'ing in his
sleep) Despite these obsta!les to both !redibility and !oheren!e, all of the individuals who spo'e to
me on the sub:e!t somehow !onveyed to my mind a remar'ably fo!used portrait of the hermit
Severini, an amalgam of hearsay that attained the status of a potent legend)
This impression of a legendary Severini was no doubt bolstered by what !ertain persons des!ribed
as B.(hibits from the "maginary Museum)* The entourage of visitors to the hermit*s dilapidated
sha!' was !omposed of more or less artisti! persons, or at least individuals with artisti! leanin!s,
and their e(posure to Severini proved a powerful inspiration that resulted in numerous artwor's in a
variety of media and genres) There were s!ulptures, paintings and drawings, poems and short prose
pie!es, musi!al !ompositions sometimes a!!ompanied by lyri!s, !on!eptual wor's that e(isted only
in s!hemati! or ane!dotal form, and even an ar!hite!tural plan for a Bruined temple on a :ungle
island somewhere in the region of the Philippines)* 6hile on the surfa!e these produ!tions appeared
to have their basis in a multitude of dubious sour!es, ea!h of them !laimed the most literalisti!
origins in Severini*s own words, his slee0talkin!, as they !alled it) "ndeed, " myself !ould per!eive a
definite unity among these artwor's and their integral relationship to the same uni;ue figure of
inspiration that was Severini himself, although " had never met this fantasti!al person and had no
desire to do so) /evertheless, these soE!alled Be(hibits* helped me to re!reate in my imagination not
only those mu!hEdis!ussed visits to that sha!' in the marsh !ountry but also the personal history of
its lone inhabitant)
As " now thin' about them D that is, re!reate them in my imagination D these SeveriniEbased
artwor's, however varied in their genres and te!hni;ues, brought to the surfa!e a few features that
were always the same and were always treated in the same way) " was startled when " first began to
re!ogniFe these !ommon features, be!ause somehow they !losely repli!ated a number of pe!uliar
images and !on!epts that " myself had already e(perien!ed in moments of imaginative daydreaming
and espe!ially during episodes of delirium brought on by physi!al disease or e(!essive psy!hi!
turmoil)
A !entral element of su!h episodes was the sense of a pla!e possessing ;ualities that were redolent,
on the one hand, of a tropi!al lands!ape, and, on the other hand, of a !ommon sewer) The aspe!t of
a !ommon sewer emerged in the feeling of an en!losed but also vastly e(tensive spa!e, a networ' of
!oiling passages that spanned in!redible distan!es in an underworld of misty dar'ness) As for the
;uality of a tropi!al lands!ape, this shared mu!h of the same 'ind of dar'ly ooFing ferment as the
sewer aspe!t, with the added impression of the most e(oti! forms of life spawning on every side,
things multiplying and also in!essantly mutatin! li'e a timeElapse film of spreading fungus or multiE
!olored slime molds totally unrestri!ted in their form and e(pansion) 6hile " e(perien!ed the most
intense visions of this pla!e, this tropi!al sewer, as it re!reated itself in my delirious imagination
year after year, " was always outside it at some great remove, not !aught within as if " were having a
nightmare) %ut still " maintained an awareness Has in a nightmareI that something had ha00ened in
this pla!e, some un'nown event had transpired that had left these images behind it li'e a trail of
slime) And then a !ertain $eelin! !ame over me and a !ertain conce0t !ame to my mind)
"t was this feeling and its !ompanion !on!ept that so vividly arose within my being when the others
began telling me about their strange visits to the Severini pla!e and showing me the various
artwor's that this strange individual had inspired them to !reate) One by one " viewed paintings or
s!ulptures in some artist*s studio, or heard musi! being performed in a !lub that was fre;uented by
the Severini !rowd, or read literary wor's that were being passed around D and ea!h time the sense
of that tropi!al sewer was revived in me, although not with the same intensity as the delirious
episodes " e(perien!ed while suffering from a physi!al disease or during periods of e(!essive
psy!hi! turmoil) The titles of these wor's alone might have been enough to provo'e the parti!ular
feeling and the !on!ept that were produ!ed by my delirious episodes) The !on!ept to whi!h " have
been referring may be stated in various ways, but it usually o!!urred to my mind as a simple phrase
Hor fragmentI, almost a !hant that overwhelmed me with vile and haunting suggestions far beyond
its mere words, whi!h are as followsJ the ni!htmare o$ the or!anism, The vile and haunting
suggestions underlying Hor inspired byI this !on!eptual phrase were, as " have said, !alled up by the
titles of those SeveriniEbased artwor's, those .(hibits from the "maginary Museum) 6hile " have
diffi!ulty re!alling the type of wor' to whi!h ea!h title was atta!hed D whether a painting or a
s!ulpture, a poem or a performan!e pie!e D " am still able to !ite a number of the titles themselves)
One of them that easily emerges in re!olle!tion is the followingJ *o (ace Amon! 8s, &ere is
anotherJ %e$iled and %elivered, And now many more of them are !oming to my mindJ The Wa+ o$
the ost, 9n 1iscous and #acred Ground Ha)')a) The Tantric %octorsI, In :arth and :3creta, The
Black #0ume o$ :3istence, Inte!uments in :ru0tion, and The %escent into the (un!al, All of these
titles, as my artisti! a!;uaintan!es and asso!iates informed me, were ta'en from sele!ted phrases Hor
fragmentsI spo'en by Severini during his numerous episodes of slee0talkin!)
.very time " heard one of these titles and saw the parti!ular artwor' that it named, " was always
reminded of that tropi!al sewer of my delirious episodes) " would also feel myself on the verge of
realiFing what it was that had happened in this pla!e, some wonderful or disastrous event that was
intimately related to the !on!eptual phrase whi!h " have given as the ni!htmare o$ the or!anism, >et
these artwor's and their titles allowed me only a remote sense of some vile and haunting revelation)
And it was simply not possible for the others to illuminate this matter fully, given that their
'nowledge of Severini*s past history was e(!lusively derived from his own nonsensi!al or
;uestionable assertions) As nearly as they were willing to spe!ulate, it appeared that this deranged
and allEbutEin!ognito person 'nown as Severini was the willing sub:e!t of what was variously
referred to as an Besoteri! pro!edure* or an Billi!it pra!ti!e)* At this point in my dis!overies about the
strange Severini " found it diffi!ult to in;uire about the e(a!t nature of this pro!edure, or pra!ti!e,
while at the same time pretending a la!' of interest in a!tually meeting the resident of that ruined
sha!' out in the marshland ba!'roads some distan!e outside the !ity where " used to live) "t did
seem, however, that this pra!ti!e or pro!edure, as nearly as anyone !ould spe!ulate, was not a
medi!al treatment of any 'nown variety) ather, they thought that the pro!edure Hor pra!ti!eI in
;uestion involved o!!ult or mysti!al traditions that, in their most potent form, are able to e(ist
in!onspi!uously in only a few remaining parts of the world) Of !ourse, all of this spe!ulation !ould
have been a !overEup or!hestrated by Severini or by his dis!iples D for that is what they had be!ome
D or by all of them together) "n fa!t, for some time " had suspe!ted that Severini*s dis!iples, despite
their parade of artwor's and outlandish a!!ounts of their visits to the marshland sha!', were
nevertheless !on!ealing from me some vital element of their new e(perien!es) There seemed to be
some truth of whi!h they had 'nowledge and " had not) >et they also seemed to desire that, in due
!ourse, " might share with them this truth)
My suspi!ions of the others* de!eption derived from a sour!e that was admittedly sub:e!tive) This
was my imaginative re!reation, as " sat in my apartment, of the spe!ta!le of Severini as it was
related to me by those who had parti!ipated in the visits to his residen!e in the marsh) "n my mind "
pi!tured them seated upon the floor of that small, unfurnished sha!', the only illumination being the
he!ti! light of !andles that they brought with them and pla!ed in a !ir!le, at the !enter of whi!h was
the figure of Severini) This figure always spo'e to them in his uni;uely !rypti! way, his sleeptal'ing
voi!e flu!tuating in its ;ualities and even seeming to emanate from pla!es other than his own body,
as though he were pra!ti!ing a hyperEventrilo;uism) Similarly, his body itself, as " was told and as "
later imagined to myself in my apartment, appeared to rea!t in !on!ert with the flu!tuations in his
voi!e) These bodily !hanges, the others said, were sometimes subtle and sometimes dramati!, but
they were !onsistently illEdefined D not a matter of !lear transformation as mu!h as a 'reakdo.n of
anatomi!al features and stru!tures, the result being something twisted and tumorous li'e a living
mound of diseased !lay or mud, a heap of !an!erous matter that slowly thrashed about in the
!andlelight whi!h illuminated the old sha!') These flu!tuations in both Severini*s voi!e and his
body, the others e(plained to me, were not in any way under his own guidan!e but were a totally
spontaneous phenomenon to whi!h he submitted as the result of the esoteri! pro!edure or illi!it
pra!ti!e wor'ed upon him in some un'nown pla!e Hpossibly Bin the region of the Philippines*I) "t
was now his destiny, the others elaborated, to !omply with whatever was demanded of his flesh by
what !ould only be seen as utterly mindless and !haoti! for!es, and even his !ons!iousness itself D
they asserted D was as amorphous and mutable as his bodily form) >et as they spo'e to me about
these parti!ulars of Severini*s !ondition, none of them !onveyed any real sense of the nightmarish
;uality of the images and pro!esses they were des!ribing) Awestru!', yesC passionate, yesC
somewhat demented, yes) %ut nightmarish D no) .ven as " listened to their a!!ount of a given
Severini meeting, " too failed to grasp fully their nightmarish ;ualities and aspe!ts) They would say
to me, referring to one of Severini*s metamorphoses, BThe na'ed !ontours of his form writhed about
li'e a pool of sna'es, or twit!hed li'e a mass of newly hat!hed spiderlings)* /evertheless, upon
hearing statement after statement of this 'ind " sat relatively undisturbed, a!!epting without
revulsion or outrage these revolting and outrageous remar's) Perhaps, " thought at the time, " was
simply under the powerful spell of so!ial de!orum, whi!h so often may e(plain otherwise
in!omprehensible feelings Hor la!' of feelingsI and behaviors Hor la!' of behaviorsI) %ut on!e " was
alone in my apartment, and began to imaginatively re!reate what " had heard about the spe!ta!le of
Severini, " was overwhelmed by its nightmarish essen!e and several times lapsed into one of my
delirious episodes with all of its terrible sensations of a tropi!al sewer and all the nightmares of
e(oti! lifeforms brea'ing out everywhere li'e rampant pustules and suppurations) "t was this
dis!repan!y between my 0u'lic response Hor la!' of responseI to the purportedly ob:e!tive data with
whi!h " was being inundated regarding the whole Severini business and my 0rivate response Hor
hyperEresponseI to this data that ultimately led me to suspe!t that " was being de!eived, even if the
de!eption was as mu!h on my part as it was on the others*) Then " !onsidered that " was not as
mu!h the vi!tim of a de!eption as " was the sub:e!t of a mani0ulation D a pro!ess of sedu!tion that
would !ulminate in my entering as a fullEfledged initiate into the Severini !ult) "n either !ase, it
remained my !onvi!tion that some vital element had been withheld from me !on!erning the re!luse
of St Alban*s Marsh until a propitious moment had arrived and " was prepared to !onfront the truth
that was hitherto denied me, or that " was willfully denying to myself)
#inally, on a rainy afternoon, as " was wor'ing alone in my apartment Hma'ing Severini notesI, the
buFFer signaled that someone was downstairs) The voi!e over the inter!om belonged to a woman
named Carla, who was a s!ulptress and whom " barely 'new) 6hen " let her in my apartment she
was wet from wal'ing in the rain without a !oat or umbrella, although her straight bla!' hair and
allEbla!' !lothes loo'ed very mu!h the same whether wet or dry) " offered her a towel but she
refused, saying she B'ind of li'ed feeling soggy and si!'ish,* and we went on from there) The reason
for her visit to my apartment, she revealed, was to invite me to the first B!olle!tive showing* of the
.(hibits from the "maginary Museum) 6hen " as'ed why " should be re!eiving this personal
invitation in my apartment on a rainy afternoon, she saidJ B%e!ause the showing is going to be at his
0lace, and you*ve never wanted to go there)* " said that " would thin' seriously about attending the
showing and as'ed her if that was all she had to say) B/o,* she said as she dug into one of the
po!'ets of her tight damp sla!'s) BHe was really the one who wanted me to invite you to the e(hibit)
We never told him about you, but he said that he always felt someone was missing, and for some
reason we assumed it was you)* After e(tra!ting a pie!e of paper that had been folded several times,
she opened it up and held it before her eyes) B" wrote down what he said,* she said while holding the
limp and wrin'led note !lose to her fa!e with both hands) &er eyes glan!ed up at me for a moment
over the top edge of the unfolded page Hher heavy mas!ara was running down her !hee's in bla!'
rivuletsI, and then she loo'ed down to read the words Severini had told her to write) B&e says, R>ou
and SeveriniS D he always !alls himself Severini, as if that were someone else DRyou and Severini
are sympatheti! ) ) )S something D " !an hardly read this) "t was dar' when " wrote it down) &ere we
goJ R>ou and Severini are s+m0athetic or!anisms)S* She paused to push away a few strands of
bla!', rainEsoa'ed hair that had fallen a!ross her fa!e) She was smiling somewhat idioti!ally)
B"s that itK* " as'ed)
B&old on, he wanted me to get it right) Gust one more thing) &e said, RTell him that the way into the
nightmare is the way out)S* She folded the paper on!e again and !rammed it ba!' into the po!'et of
her bla!' sla!'s) BDoes any of that mean anything to youK* she as'ed)
" said that it meant nothing at all to me) After promising that " would most seriously !onsider
attending the e(hibit at Severini*s pla!e, " let Carla out of my apartment and ba!' into that rainy
afternoon)
" should say that " had never spo'en to either Carla or the others about my delirious episodes, with
their sensations of a tropi!al sewer and the emergent !on!ept of the Bnightmare of the organism)* "
had never told anyone) " had thought that these episodes and the !on!ept of the nightmare of the
organism were stri!tly a private hell, even one that was uni;ue) 8ntil that rainy afternoon, " had
!onsidered it only a !oin!iden!e that the artwor's inspired by Severini, as well as the titles of these
wor's, served to !all up the sensations and suggestions of my delirious episodes) Then " was sent a
message by Severini, through Carla, that he and " were Bsympatheti! organisms* and that Bthe way
into the nightmare is the way out)* #or some time " had dreamed of being delivered from the
suffering of my delirious episodes, and from all the suggestions and sensations that went along with
them D the terrible vision that e(posed all living things, in!luding myself, as no more than a fungus
or a !olle!tion of ba!teria, a 'ind of monumental slime mold ;uivering a!ross the lands!ape of this
planet Hand very li'ely othersI) Any deliveran!e from su!h a nightmare, " thought, would involve
the most drasti! Hand esoteri!I pro!edures, the most alien Hand illi!itI pra!ti!es) And, ultimately, "
never believed that this deliveran!e, or any other, was really possible) "t was simply too good, or too
evil, to be true D at least this is how it seemed to my mind) >et all it too' was a few words from
Severini, as they rea!hed me through Carla, and " began to dream of all 'inds of possibilities) "n a
moment everything had !hanged) " now be!ame ready to ta'e those steps toward deliveran!eC in
fa!t, not to do so seemed intolerable to me) " absolutely had to find a way out of the nightmare, it
seemed, whatever pro!edures or pra!ti!es were involved) Severini had ta'en those steps D " was
!onvin!ed of that D and " needed to 'now where they had led him)
As might be imagined, " had wor'ed myself into ;uite a state even before the night of the showing
of the .(hibits of the "maginary Museum) %ut it was more than my frenFy of dreams and
anti!ipation that affe!ted my e(perien!es that night and now affe!ts my ability to relate what
o!!urred at the tumbleEdown sha!' on the edge of St Alban*s Marsh) My delirious episodes
previous to that night were nothing Hthat is, they were the perfe!tion of lu!idityI when !ompared to
the delirium that overta'es me every time " attempt to sort out what happened at the marshland
sha!', my thoughts disintegrating little by little until " pass into a 'ind of sleeptal'ing of my own) "
saw things with my own eyes and other things with other eyes) And everywhere there were
voi!es ) ) )
"t was all weedy shadows and frogs !roa'ing in the bla!'ness as " wal'ed along the narrow path
that, a!!ording to the dire!tions given to me, led to Severini*s pla!e) " left my !ar par'ed alongside
the road where " saw the vehi!les of the others) They had all arrived before me, although " was not
in the least bit late for this s!heduled artisti! event) %ut they had always been an(ious, " had long
before noti!ed, whenever a Severini visit was planned, all that day fidgeting with some restless
impulse until nightfall !ame and they !ould leave the !ity and go out to St Alban*s Marsh)
" e(pe!ted to see a light ahead as " wal'ed along that narrow path, but all " heard were frogs
!roa'ing in the bla!'ness) The full moon in a !loudless s'y revealed to me where " should ne(t step
along the path leading to the sha!' at the edge of the marsh) %ut even before " rea!hed the !learing
where the old sha!' supposedly stood, my sense of everything around me began to !hange) A warm
mist drifted in from either side of the path li'e a !urtain !losing in front of my eyes, and " felt
something tou!h my mind with images and !on!epts that were from elsewhere) B6e are sympatheti!
organisms,* " heard from the mist) BDraw !loser)* %ut that narrow path seemed to have no end to it,
li'e those passages in my delirious episodes whi!h e(tended su!h great distan!es in the misty
dar'ness of a tropi!al lands!ape, where on every side of me there were e(oti! forms of life
spawning and seething without restraint) I must !o to that 0lace, " thought as if these were my own
words and not the words of another voi!e altogether, a voi!e full of desperate intensity and !onfused
aspirations) BCalm yourself, Mr Severini, if you insist " still address you by that name) As your
therapist " !annot advise you to pursue this route ) ) ) !hasing mira!les, if that is what you
ima!ine , , , this Rtemple,S as you !all it, is an es!ape from any authenti! !onfrontation with ) ) )*
%ut he did find his way to freedom, although without properly being dis!harged from the
institution, and he went to that pla!e)
B%ocumentes, &ass0ortas4 * Loo'ing around at those yellowEbrown fa!es, you were finally there)
>ou went to that :ungle island, that tropi!al sewer, a great temple looming out of the misty dar'ness
in your dreams) "t rained in every town, the streets streaming li'e sewers) B%isentar;a,* pronoun!ed
the attending physi!ian) %ut he was not li'e any of the do!tors whom you sought in that pla!e)
Amoebi! dysentery D there it was, the nightmare !ontinued, so many forms it !ould ta'e) The .a+
into the ni!htmare is the .a+ out, And you were willing to follow that nightmare as far as you
needed in order to find your way out, :ust as " was following that narrow path toward your sha!' on
the edge of St Alban*s Marsh to enter that same nightmare you had brought ba!' with you) The
.(hibits of the "maginary Museum) >our sha!' was now a gallery of the nightmares you had
inspired in the others with your sleeptal'ing and the $luctuations of your form, those outrageous
mira!les whi!h had not outraged anyone) Only when " was alone in my apartment, imaginatively
re!reating what the others had told me, !ould " see those mira!les as the nightmares they were) "
'new this be!ause of my delirious episodes, whi!h none of the others had 'nown) The+ were the
sympatheti! organisms, not ") " was antagonisti! to you, not sympatheti!) %e!ause " would not go
into the nightmare, as you had gone) The Temple of Tantri! Medi!ine, this is what you dreamed you
would find in that tropi!al sewer D a pla!e where mira!les might happen, where that se!t of
Bdo!tors* !ould minister with the most esoteri! pro!edures and !ould !arry out their illi!it pra!ti!es)
%ut what did you find insteadK B%isentar;a,* pronoun!ed the attending physi!ian) Then a small
group of those yellowEbrown fa!es told you, told us, about that other temple whi!h had no name)
B#or the belly si!'ness,* they said) Amoebi! dysentery, simply another version of the nightmare of
the organism from whi!h none of the do!tors you had seen in the past !ould deliver you) B&ow !an
the disease be !ured of itselfK* you as'ed them) BMy body D a tumor that was on!e delivered from
the body of another tumor, a lump of disease that is always boiling with its own disease) And my
mind D another disease, the disease of a disease) .verywhere my mind sees the disease of other
minds and other bodies, these other organisms that are only other diseases, an absolute nightmare of
the organism) 6here are you ta'ing meL* you s!reamed Hwe s!reamedI at the yellowEbrown fa!es)
B#i( the belly si!'ness) 6e 'now, we 'now)* They !hanted these words along the way, it seemed, as
the town disappeared behind the trees and the vines, behind the giant flowers that smelled li'e
rotting meat, and the fungus and mu!' of that tropi!al sewer) They 'new the disease and the
nightmare be!ause they lived in that pla!e where the organism flourished without restraint, its forms
so varied and e(oti!, its fate ines!apable) B%isentar;a,* pronoun!ed the attending physi!ian) They
'new the way through the stonewor' passages, the walls seeping with slime and soft with mold as
they !oiled toward the !entral !hamber of the temple without a name) "nside the ruined heart of the
temple there were !andles burning everywhereC their fli!'ering light revealed an array of temple art
and ornamentation) "ntri!ate murals appeared along the walls, mingling with the slime and the mold
of that tropi!al sewer) S!ulptures of every siFe and all shapes pro:e!ted out of the damp, vis!ous
shadows) At the !enter of the !hamber was a large !ir!ular altar, an enormous mandala !omposed of
!ountless :ewels, pre!ious stones, or simply bits of glass that gleamed in the !andlelight li'e a pool
of multiE!olored slime molds)
They laid your body upon the altarC they 'new what to do with you HusI D the words to say, the
songs to sing, and the esoteri! pro!edures to follow) "t was almost as if " !ould understand the things
that they !hanted in voi!es of tortured solemnity) %eliver the sel$ that kno.s the sickness $rom the
sel$ that does not kno., There are t.o $aces .hich must never con$ront each other, There is onl+ one
'od+ .hich must stru!!le to contain them 'oth, And the phantom !lut!h of that si!'ness, that
amoebi! dysentery, seemed to rea!h me as " wal'ed along that narrow path leading to Severini*s
sha!' at the edge of St Alban*s Marsh) "nside the sha!' were all the .(hibits of the "maginary
Museum, the paintings lining the damp wood of the walls and the s!ulptures pro:e!ting out of the
shadows !ast by the !andles whi!h always lighted the single room of that ruined hovel) " had
imaginatively re!reated the interior of Severini*s sha!' many times a!!ording to the a!!ounts
related to me by the others about this pla!e and its in!redible inhabitant) " imagined how you !ould
forget yourself in su!h a pla!e, how you !ould be delivered from the nightmares and delirious
episodes that tortured you in other pla!es, even be!oming someone else Hor something elseI as you
gave yourself up entirely to the flu!tuations of the organism at the edge of St Alban*s Marsh) >ou
needed that marsh be!ause it helped you to imaginatively re!reate that tropi!al sewer Hwhere you
were ta'en into the nightmareI, and you needed those artwor's in order to ma'e the !rumbling
sha!' into that temple Hwhere you were supposed to find your way out of the nightmareI) %ut most
of all you needed them, the others, be!ause they were sympatheti! organisms) ", on the other hand,
was now an antagonisti! organism who wanted nothing more to do with your esoteri! pro!edures
and illi!it pra!ti!es) %eliver the sel$ that kno.s the sickness $rom the sel$ that does not kno., The
t.o $aces , , , the one 'od+, >ou wanted them to enter the nightmare, who did not even 'now the
nightmare as .e 'new it) >ou needed them and their artwor's to go into the nightmare of the
organism to its ver+ end, so that you !ould find your way out of the nightmare) %ut you !ould not go
to the very end of the nightmare unless " was with you, " who was now an antagonisti! organism
without any hope that there was a way out of the nightmare) 6e were forever divided, one fa!e
from the other, struggling within the body D the organism D whi!h we shared)
" never arrived at the sha!' that nightC " never entered it) As " wal'ed along that narrow path in the
mist " be!ame feverish) HBAmUbi! dysentery,* pronoun!ed the do!tor whom " visited the following
day)I The fa!e of Severini appeared at the sha!' that night, not mine) "t was always his fa!e that the
others saw on su!h nights when they !ame to visit) %ut " was not there with themC that is, my fa!e
was not there) &is fa!e was the one they saw as they sat among all the .(hibits from the "maginary
Museum) %ut it was my fa!e whi!h returned to the !ityC it was my body whi!h " now fully
possessed as an organism that belonged to my fa!e alone) %ut the others never returned from the
sha!' on the edge of St Alban*s Marsh) " never saw them again after that night, be!ause on that
night he too' them with him into the nightmare, with the !andle flames fli!'ering upon those
artwor's and the flu!tuations of form whi!h to the others appeared as a pool of twisting sna'es or a
mass of spiderlings newly hat!hed) &e showed them the way into the nightmare, but he !ould not
show them the way out) There is no way out of the nightmare on!e you have gone so far into its
depths) That is where he is lost forever, he and the others he has ta'en with him)
%ut he did not ta'e me into the marsh with him to e(ist as a fungus e(ists or as a foam of multiE
!olored slime mold e(ists) That is how " see it in my ne. delirious e0isodes, Only at these times
when " suffer from a physi!al disease or e(!essive psy!hi! turmoil do " see how he e(ists now, he
and the others) %e!ause " never loo'ed dire!tly into the pools of ooFing life when " stopped at the
sha!' on the edge of St Alban*s Marsh) " was on my way out of the !ity the night " stopped, and "
was only there long enough to douse the pla!e in gasoline and set it ablaFe) "t burned with all the
brillian!e of the nightmares that were still e(hibited inside, !asting its illumination upon the marsh
and leaving the most obs!ure image of what was ba!' there D a vast and vague impression of that
great bla!' life from whi!h we have all emerged and of whi!h we are all made)
T&. S&ADO6, T&. DA=/.SS
"t seemed that $rossvogel was !harging us entirel+ too mu!h money for what he was offering)
Some of us D we were about a doFen in all D blamed ourselves and our own idio!y as soon as we
arrived in that pla!e whi!h one neatly dressed old gentleman immediately dubbed the Bnu!leus of
nowhere)* This same gentleman, who a few days before had announ!ed to several persons his
abandonment of poetry due to the la!' of what he !onsidered proper appre!iation of his innovative
pra!ti!e of the B&ermeti! lyri!,* went on to say that su!h a pla!e as the one in whi!h we found
ourselves was e(a!tly what we should have e(pe!ted, and probably what we idiots and failures
deserved) 6e had no reason to e(pe!t anything more, he e(plained, than to end up in the dead town
of Crampton, in a nowhere region of the !ountry, of the world in fa!t, during a dull season of the
year that was pin!hed between su!h a lavish and brilliant autumn and what promised to be an
e;ually lavish and brilliant wintertime) 6e were trapped, he said, !ompletely stranded for all
pra!ti!al purposes, in a region of the !ountry, and of the entire world, where all the manifestations
of that blea' time of year, or rather its a'sence of manifestations, were so evident in the lands!ape
around us, where everything was absolutely stripped to the bone, and where the patheti! emptiness
of forms in their unadorned state was so brutally evident) 6hen " pointed out that $rossvogel*s
bro!hure for this e(!ursion, whi!h he deemed a Bphysi!alEmetaphysi!al e(!ursion,* did not stri!tly
misrepresent our destination " re!eived only evil loo's from several of the others at the table where
we sat, as well as from the nearby tables of the small, almost miniature diner in whi!h the whole
group of us were now pa!'ed, filling it to !apa!ity with the presen!e of e(oti! outEofEtowners who,
when they stopped bi!'ering for a few moments, simply stared with a 'illing silen!e out the
windows at the empty streets and bro'enEdown buildings of the dead town of Crampton) The town
was further maligned as a Bdrab abyss,* the spea'er of this phrase being a s'eletal individual who
always introdu!ed himself as a Bdefro!'ed a!ademi!)* This selfEdesignation would usually provo'e
a ;uery addressed to him as to its meaning, after whi!h he would, in so many words, elaborate on
how his failure to s'ew his thin'ing to the standards of, as he termed it, the Bintelle!tual
mar'etpla!e,* along with his failure to !on!eal his un!onventional studies and methodologies, had
resulted in his longtime inability to se!ure a position within a reputable a!ademi! institution, or
within any sort of institution or pla!e of business whatever) Thus, in his mind, his failure was more
or less his ultimate distin!tion, and in this sense he was typi!al of those of us who were seated at the
few tables and upon stools along the !ounter of that miniature diner, !omplaining that $rossvogel
had !harged us entirely too mu!h money and to some degree misrepresented, in his bro!hure, the
whole value and purpose of the e(!ursion to the dead town of Crampton)
Ta'ing my !opy of $rossvogel*s bro!hure from the ba!' po!'et of my trousers, " unfolded its few
pages and laid them before the other three people who were seated at the same table as ") Then "
removed my fragile reading glasses from the po!'et of the old !ardigan " was wearing beneath my
even older :a!'et in order to s!rutiniFe these pages on!e again, !onfirming the suspi!ions " had had
about their meaning)
B"f you*re loo'ing for the fine print D* said the man seated to my left, a Bphotographi! portraitist*
who often bro'e into a spate of !oughing whenever he began to spea', as he did on this o!!asion)
B6hat " thin' my friend was going to say,* said the man seated on my right, Bwas that we have been
the vi!tims of a subtle and intri!ate swindle) " say this on his behalf be!ause this is the dire!tion in
whi!h his mind wor's, am " rightK*
BA meta0h+sical s.indle,* !onfirmed the man on my left, who had !eased !oughing for the moment)
B"ndeed, a metaphysi!al swindle,* repeated the other man somewhat mo!'ingly) B" would never have
imagined myself being ta'en in by su!h a thing, given my e(perien!e and spe!ial field of
'nowledge) %ut this, of !ourse, was su!h a subtle and intri!ate operation)*
6hile " 'new that the man on my right was the author of an unpublished philosophi!al treatise
entitled An Investi!ation into the )ons0irac+ a!ainst the Human "ace, " was not sure what he
meant by the mention of his Be(perien!e and spe!ial field of 'nowledge)* %efore " !ould in;uire
about this issue, " was brashly interrupted by the woman seated a!ross the table from me)
BMr einer $rossvogel is a fraud, it*s as simple as that,* she said loud enough for everyone in the
diner to hear) B"*ve been aware of his fraudulent !hara!ter for some time, as you 'now) .ven before
his soE!alled Rmetamorphi! e(perien!e,S or whatever he !alls it D*
BMetamorphi! re!overy,* " said by way of !orre!tion)
B#ine, his metamorphi! re!overy, whatever that*s supposed to mean) .ven before that time " !ould
see that he was somebody who had all the ma'ings of a fraud) &e only re;uired the proper
!on:un!tion of !ir!umstan!es to bring this trait out in him) And then along !ame that supposedly
nearEfatal illness of his that he says led to that, " !an barely say it, metamor0hic recover+, After that
he was able to realiFe all his unused talents for being the fraud he was always destined to be and
always wanted to be) " :oined in this far!i!al e(!ursion, or whatever it is, only for the satisfa!tion of
seeing everyone else find out what " always 'new and always maintained about einer $rossvogel)
>ou*re all my witnesses,* she finished, her wrin'led and heavily madeEup eyes s!anning our fa!es,
and those of the others in the diner, for the affirmation she sought)
" 'new this woman only by her professional name of Mrs Angela) 8ntil re!ently she had operated
what everyone among our !ir!le referred to as a Bpsy!hi! !offeehouse* whi!h, in addition to other
goods and servi!es, was 'nown for its e(!ellent pastries that she made herself, or at least !laimed
that she made, off the premises) /evertheless, the business never seemed to prosper either on the
strength of its psy!hi! readings, whi!h were performed by several persons in Mrs Angela*s employ,
or on the strength of its e(!ellent pastries and somewhat overpri!ed !offee) "t was Mrs Angela who
first !omplained about the ;uality of both the servi!e and the modest fare being offered to us in the
Crampton diner) /ot long after we arrived that afternoon and immediately pa!'ed ourselves into
what seemed to be the town*s only a!tive pla!e of business, Mrs Angela !alled out to the young
woman whose lonely tas' it was to !ater to our group) BThis !offee is in!redibly bitter,* she shouted
at the girl, who was dressed in what appeared to be a brandEnew white uniform) BAnd these donuts
are stale, every one of them) 6hat 'ind of pla!e is thisK " thin' this whole town and everything in it
is a fraud)*
6hen the girl !ame over to our table and stood before us " noti!ed that her uniform resembled that
of a nurse more than it did an outfit worn by a waitress in a diner) Spe!ifi!ally it reminded me of the
uniforms that " saw worn by the nurses at the hospital where $rossvogel was treated for, and
ultimately re!overed from, what appeared at the time to be a very serious illness) 6hile Mrs Angela
was berating the waitress over the ;uality of the !offee and donuts we had been served, whi!h were
in!luded in the travel pa!'age that $rossvogel*s bro!hure des!ribed as the Bultimate physi!alE
metaphysi!al e(!ursion,* " was reviewing my memories of $rossvogel in that star' and
!onspi!uously outEofEdate hospital where he had been treated, however briefly, some two years
pre!eding our visit to the dead town of Crampton) &e had been admitted to this wret!hed fa!ility
through its emergen!y room, whi!h was simply the rear entran!e to what was not so mu!h a
hospital, properly spea'ing, but more a ma'eshift !lini! set up in an old building lo!ated in the
de!ayed neighborhood where $rossvogel and most of those who 'new him were for!ed to live due
to our limited finan!ial means) " myself was the one who too' him, in a ta(i, to this emergen!y
room and provided the woman at the admittan!e des' with all the pertinent information regarding
$rossvogel, sin!e he was in no !ondition to do so himself) Later " e(plained to a nurse D whom "
!ould not help loo'ing upon merely as an emergen!yEroom attendant in a nurse*s uniform, given
that she seemed somehow la!'ing in medi!al e(pertise D that $rossvogel had !ollapsed at a lo!al art
gallery during a modest e(hibit of his wor's) This was his first e(perien!e, " told the nurse, both as
a publi!ly e(hibited artist and as a vi!tim of a sudden physi!al !ollapse) &owever, " did not mention
that the art gallery to whi!h " referred might have been more a!!urately depi!ted as an empty
storefront that now and then was !leaned up and used for e(hibitions or artisti! performan!es of
various types) $rossvogel had been !omplaining throughout the evening of abdominal pains, "
informed the nurse, and then repeated to an emergen!yEroom physi!ian, who also stru!' me as
another medi!al attendant rather than as a legitimate do!tor of medi!ine) The reason these
abdominal pains had in!reased throughout that evening, " spe!ulated to both the nurse and the
do!tor, was perhaps $rossvogel*s in!reasing sense of an(iety at seeing his wor's e(hibited for the
first time, sin!e he had always been notoriously inse!ure about his talents as an artist and, in my
opinion, had good reason to be) On the other hand there might possibly have been a serious organi!
!ondition involved, " allowed when spea'ing with the nurse and later with the do!tor) "n any !ase,
$rossvogel had finally !ollapsed on the floor of the art gallery and had been unable to do anything
but groan somewhat pitifully and, to be honest, somewhat irritatingly sin!e that time)
After listening to my a!!ount of $rossvogel*s !ollapse, the do!tor instru!ted the artist to lie down
upon a gurney that stood at the end of a badly lighted hallway, while both the do!tor and the nurse
wal'ed off in the opposite dire!tion) " stood !lose by $rossvogel during the time that he lay upon
this gurney in the shadows of that ma'eshift !lini!) "t was the middle of the night by then, and
$rossvogel*s moaning had abated somewhat, only to be repla!ed by what " understood at that time
as a series of delirious utteran!es) "n the !ourse of this rhetori!al delirium, the artist mentioned
several times something that he !alled the Bpervasive shadow)* " told him that it was merely the poor
illumination of the hallway, my own words sounding somewhat delirious to me due to the fatigue
brought on by the events of that night, both at the art gallery and in the emergen!y room of that
tawdry hospital) Afterward " :ust stood there listening to $rossvogel murmur at intervals, no longer
responding to his delirious and in!reasingly elaborate utteran!es about the Bpervasive shadow that
!auses things to be what they would not be* or the BallEmoving dar'ness that ma'es things do what
they would not do)*
After an hour or so of listening to $rossvogel, " noti!ed that the do!tor and nurse were now
standing !lose together at the other end of that dar' hallway) They seemed to be !onferring with
ea!h other for the longest time and every so often one or both of them would loo' in the dire!tion
where " was standing !lose by the prostrate and murmuring $rossvogel) " wondered how long they
were going to !arry on with what seemed to me a medi!al !harade, a !lini!al dumbshow, while the
artist lay moaning and now more fre;uently murmuring on the sub:e!t of the shadow and the
dar'ness) Perhaps " doFed off on my feet for a moment, be!ause it seemed that from out of nowhere
the nurse was suddenly at my side and the do!tor was no longer anywhere in sight) The nurse*s
white uniform now appeared almost luminous in the dingy shadows of that hallway) B>ou !an go
home now,* she said to me) B>our friend is going to be admitted to the hospital)* She then pushed
$rossvogel on his gurney toward the doors of an elevator at the end of the hallway) As soon as she
rea!hed these elevator doors they opened ;ui!'ly and silently, pouring the brightest light into that
dim hallway) 6hen the doors were fully opened " !ould see the do!tor standing inside) &e pulled
$rossvogel*s stret!her into the brilliantly illuminated elevator while the nurse pushed the stret!her
from behind) As soon as they were all inside, the elevator doors !losed ;ui!'ly and silently, and the
hallway in whi!h " was still standing seemed even dar'er and more dense with shadows than it had
before)
The following day " visited $rossvogel at the hospital) &e had been pla!ed in a small private room
in a distant !orner of the institution*s uppermost floor) As " wal'ed toward this room, loo'ing for the
number " had been given at the information des' downstairs, it seemed to me that none of the other
rooms on that floor had any patients o!!upying them) "t was only when " found the number " sought
that " loo'ed inside and a!tually saw a bed that was o!!upied, !onspi!uously so, sin!e $rossvogel
was a rather largeEbodied individual who too' up the full length and breadth of an old and sagging
mattress) &e seemed ;uite giantli'e lying on that undersiFed, institutional mattress in that small,
windowless room) There was barely enough spa!e for me to s;ueeFe myself between the wall and
the bedside of the artist, who seemed to be still in mu!h the same delirious !ondition as he had been
the night before) There was no sign of re!ognition on his part that " was in the same room, although
we were so !lose that " was pra!ti!ally on top of him) .ven after " spo'e his name several times his
teary gaFe betrayed no noti!e of my presen!e) &owever, as " began to sidle away from his bedside "
was startled when $rossvogel firmly grabbed my arm with his enormous left hand, whi!h was the
hand he used for painting and drawing the wor's of his whi!h had been e(hibited in the storefront
art gallery the previous evening) B$rossvogel,* " said e(pe!tantly, thin'ing that finally he was going
to respond, if only to spea' about the pervasive shadow Hthat !auses things to be what they would
not beI and the allEmoving dar'ness Hthat !auses things to do what they would not doI) %ut a few
se!onds later his hand be!ame limp and fell from my arm onto the very edge of the misshapen
institutional mattress on whi!h his body again lay still and unresponsive)
After some moments " made my way out of $rossvogel*s private room and wal'ed over to the
nurse*s station on the same floor of the hospital to in;uire about the artist*s medi!al !ondition) The
sole nurse in attendan!e listened to my re;uest and !onsulted a folder with the name einer
$rossvogel typed in one of its upper !orners) After studying me some time longer than she had
studied the pages !on!erning the artist, and now hospital patient, she simply said, B>our friend is
being observed very !losely)*
B"s that all you !an tell meK* " as'ed)
B&is tests haven*t been returned) >ou might as' about them later)*
BLater todayK*
B>es, later today,* she said, ta'ing $rossvogel*s folder and wal'ing away into another room) " heard
the s;uea'ing sound of a drawer in an old filing !abinet being opened and then suddenly being
slammed shut again) #or some reason " stood there waiting for the nurse to emerge from the room
where she had ta'en $rossvogel*s medi!al folder) #inally " gave up and returned home)
6hen " !alled the hospital later that day " was told that $rossvogel had been released) B&e*s gone
homeK* " said, whi!h was the only thing that o!!urred to me to say) B6e have no way of 'nowing
where he*s gone,* the woman who answered the phone replied :ust before hanging up on me) /or
did anyone else 'now where $rossvogel had gone, for he was not at his home, and no one among
our !ir!le had any 'nowledge of his whereabouts)
"t was several wee's, perhaps more than a month, after $rossvogel*s release from the hospital, and
apparent disappearan!e, that several of us had gathered, purely by !han!e, at the storefront art
gallery where the artist had !ollapsed during the opening night of his first e(hibit) %y this time even
" had !eased to be !on!erned in any way with $rossvogel or the fa!t that he had without warning
simply dropped out of sight) Certainly he was not the first to do so among our !ir!le, all of whom
were more or less unstable, sometimes dangerously volatile persons who might involve themselves
in ;uestionable a!tivities for the sa'e of some artisti! or intelle!tual vision, or simply out of pure
desperation of spirit) " thin' that the only reason any of us mentioned $rossvogel*s name as we
drifted about the art gallery that afternoon was the fa!t that his wor's still remained on e(hibit, and
wherever we turned we were !onfronted by some painting or drawing of his whi!h, in a pamphlet
issued to a!!ompany the show, " myself had written were Bmanifestations of a singularly gifted
artisti! visionary,* when in fa!t they were without e(!eption ;uite runEofEtheEmill spe!imens of the
sort of artisti! nonsense that, for reasons un'nown to all !on!erned, will o!!asionally gain a
measure of su!!ess or even a high degree of prominen!e for their !reator) B6hat am " supposed to
do with all this :un'K* !omplained the woman who owned, or perhaps only rented, the storefront
building that had been set up as an art gallery) " was about to say to her that " would ta'e
responsibility for removing $rossvogel*s wor's from the gallery, and perhaps even store them
somewhere for a time, when the s'eletal person who always introdu!ed himself as a defro!'ed
a!ademi! inter:e!ted, suggesting to the agitated owner Hor least operatorI of the art gallery that she
should send them to the hospital where $rossvogel had Bsupposedly been treated* after his !ollapse)
6hen " as'ed why he had used the word Bsupposedly,* he replied, B"*ve long believed that pla!e to
be a dubious institution, and "*m not the only one to hold this view)* " then as'ed if there was any
!redible basis for this belief of his, but he only !rossed his s'eletal arms and loo'ed at me as if " had
:ust insulted him in some way) BMrs Angela,* he said to a woman who was standing nearby,
studying one of $rossvogel*s paintings as if she were seriously !onsidering it for pur!hase) At that
time Mrs Angela*s psy!hi! !offeehouse had yet to prove itself a failed venture, and possibly she was
thin'ing that $rossvogel*s wor's, although inferior from an artisti! standpoint, might in some way
!omplement the ambien!e of her pla!e of business, where patrons !ould sit at tables and re!eive
advi!e from hired psy!hi! !ounselors while also feasting on an array of e(!ellent pastries)
B>ou should listen to what he says about that hospital,* Mrs Angela said to me without ta'ing her
eyes off that painting of $rossvogel*s) B"*ve had a strong feeling about that pla!e for a long time)
There is some aspe!t of it that is e(tremely devious)*
B%u'ious,* !orre!ted the defro!'ed a!ademi!)
B>es,* answered Mrs Angela) B"t*s not by any means somepla!e "*d li'e to wa'e up and find myself)*
B" wrote a poem about it,* said the neatly dressed gentleman who all this time had been marauding
about the floor of the gallery, no doubt waiting for the most propitious moment to approa!h the
woman who owned or rented the storefront building and persuade her to sponsor what he was
forever touting as an Bevening of &ermeti! readings,* whi!h of !ourse would prominently feature
his own wor's) B" on!e read that poem to you,* he said to the gallery owner)
B>es, you read it to me,* she replied with barely any vo!al infle!tion)
B" wrote it after being treated in the emergen!y room of that pla!e very late one night,* e(plained the
poet)
B6hat were you treated forK* " as'ed him)
BOh, nothing serious) " went home a few hours later) " was never admitted as a patient, "*m glad to
say) "t was, and " ;uote from my poem on the sub:e!t, the Rnu!leus of the abysmal)S*
BThat*s fine to say that,* " said) B%ut !ould we possibly spea' in more e(pli!it termsK*
&owever, before " !ould draw out a response from the selfEstyled writer of &ermeti! lyri!s, the door
of the art gallery was suddenly pushed open with a !onspi!uous for!e that all of us inside instantly
re!ogniFed) A moment later we saw standing before us the largeEbodied figure of einer
$rossvogel) Physi!ally he appeared to be, for the most part, mu!h the same person " re!alled prior
to his !ollapse on the floor of the art gallery not more than a few feet from where " was now
standing, bearing none of the traits of that moaning, delirious !reature whom " had ta'en in a ta(i to
the hospital for emergen!y treatment) /evertheless, there did seem to be something different about
him, a subtle but thorough !hange in the way he loo'ed upon what lay before himJ whereas the gaFe
of the artist had on!e been !hara!teristi!ally down!ast or nervously averted, his eyes now seemed
!ompletely dire!t in their fo!us and filled with a !alm purpose)
B"*m ta'ing away all of this,* he said, gesturing broadly but ;uite gently toward the artwor's of his
that filled the gallery, none of whi!h had been sold either on the opening night of his show or during
the subse;uent period of his disappearan!e) B" would appre!iate your assistan!e, if you will give it,*
he added as he began ta'ing down paintings and drawings from along the walls)
The rest of us :oined him in this endeavor without ;uestion or !omment, and laden with artwor's
both large and small we followed him out of the gallery toward a battered pi!'Eup tru!' par'ed at
the !urb in front) $rossvogel !asually hurled his wor's into the ba!' of the rented, or possibly
borrowed, tru!' Hsin!e the artist had never been 'nown to possess any 'ind of vehi!le before that
dayI, e(hibiting no !on!ern for the damage that might be in!urred on what he had on!e !onsidered
the best e(amples of his artisti! output to date) There was a moment*s hesitation on the part of Mrs
Angela, who was perhaps still !onsidering how one or more of these wor's would loo' in her pla!e
of business, but ultimately she too began !arrying $rossvogel*s wor's out of the gallery and hurling
them into the ba!' of the tru!' where they piled up li'e refuse, until the gallery*s walls and floor
spa!e were entirely !leared and the pla!e loo'ed li'e any other disused storefront) $rossvogel then
got into the tru!' while the rest us stood in wondering silen!e outside the emptied art gallery)
Putting his head out the open window of the rented or borrowed tru!', he !alled to the woman who
ran the gallery) She wal'ed over to the driver*s side of the tru!' and e(!hanged a few words with
the artist before he started the engine of the vehi!le and drove off) eturning to where we had
remained standing on the sidewal', she announ!ed to us that, a few wee's hen!e, there would be a
se!ond e(hibit of $rossvogel*s wor' at the gallery)
This, then, was the message that was passed among the !ir!le of persons with whom " was
asso!iated at the timeJ that $rossvogel, after physi!ally !ollapsing from an undis!losed ailment or
atta!' at the first, highly unsu!!essful e(hibit of his wor's, was now going to present a se!ond
e(hibit after summarily !leaning out the art gallery of those rather worthless paintings and drawings
of his already displayed to the publi! and hauling them away in the ba!' of a pi!'Eup tru!')
$rossvogel*s new e(hibit was unusually well advertised by the woman who owned the art gallery
and who stood to gain finan!ially from the sale of what, in a phrase used in the promotional !opy
for the event, were somewhat aw'wardly !alled Bradi!al and revisionary wor's by the !elebrated
artisti! visionary einer $rossvogel)* /evertheless, due to the !ir!umstan!es surrounding both the
artist*s previous and up!oming e(hibits, the whole thing almost immediately devolved into a fog of
delirious and sometimes lurid gossip and spe!ulation) This development was wholly in 'eeping with
the nature of those who !omprised that !ir!le of dubious, not to mention devious artisti! and
intelle!tual persons of whi!h " had une(pe!tedly be!ome a !entral figure) After all, it was " who had
ta'en $rossvogel to the hospital following his !ollapse at the first e(hibit of his wor's, and it was
the hospital D already a sub:e!t of strange repute, as " dis!overed D that loomed so prominently
within the delirious fog of gossip and spe!ulation surrounding $rossvogel*s up!oming e(hibit)
There was even tal' of some spe!ial pro!edures and medi!ations to whi!h the artist had been
e(posed during his brief !onfinement at this institution that would a!!ount for his une(plained
disappearan!e and subse;uent reEemergen!e in order to perpetrate what many presumed would be a
startling Bartisti! vision)* /o doubt it was this e(pe!tation, this desperate hope for something of
brilliant novelty and lavishly !olorful imagination D whi!h in the minds of some overly e(!itable
persons promised to e(!eed the domain of mere aestheti!s, and even e(tend the bounds of artisti!
e(pression D that led to the a!!eptan!e among our !ir!le of the unorthodo( nature of $rossvogel*s
new e(hibit, as well as a!!ounting for the emotional letdown that followed for those of us in
attendan!e that opening night)
And, in fa!t, what o!!urred at the gallery that night in no way resembled the sort of e(hibit we were
a!!ustomed to attendingJ the floor of the gallery and the gallery*s walls remained as bare as the day
when $rossvogel appeared with a pi!'Eup tru!' to !art off all his wor's from his old art show, while
the new one, we soon dis!overed after arriving, was to ta'e pla!e in the small ba!' room of the
storefront building) #urthermore, we were !harged a rather large fee in order to enter this small ba!'
room, whi!h was illuminated by only a few lightbulbs of e(tremely low wattage dangling here and
there from the !eiling) One of the lightbulbs was hung in a !orner of the room dire!tly above a small
table whi!h had a torn se!tion of a bedsheet draped over it to !on!eal something that was bulging
beneath it) adiating out from this !orner with its dim lightbulb and small table were several loosely
arranged rows of folding !hairs) These un!omfortable !hairs were eventually o!!upied by those of
us, about a doFen in all, who were willing to pay the large fee for what seemed to be an event more
in the style of a primitive stageshow than anything resembling an art e(hibit) " !ould hear Mrs
Angela in one of the seats behind me saying over and over to those around her, B6hat the hell is
thisK* #inally she leaned forward and said to me, B6hat does $rossvogel thin' he*s doingK "*ve
heard that he*s been medi!ated to the eyeballs ever sin!e his stay in that hospital)* >et the artist
appeared lu!id enough when a few moments later he made his way through the loosely arranged
rows of folding !hairs and stood beside the small table with the torn bedsheet draped over it and the
lowEwatt lightbulb dangling above) "n the !onfines of the art gallery*s ba!' room, the largeEbodied
$rossvogel seemed almost giganti!, :ust as he had when lying upon that institutional mattress in his
private room at the hospital) .ven his voi!e, whi!h was usually ;uiet, even somewhat wispy,
seemed to be enlarged when he began spea'ing to us)
BThan' you all for !oming here tonight,* he began) BThis shouldn*t ta'e very long) " have only a few
things to say to you and then something that " would li'e to show you) "t*s really no less than a
mira!le that "*m able to stand here and spea' to you in this way) /ot too long ago, as some of you
may re!all, " suffered a terrible atta!' in this very art gallery) " hope you won*t mind if " tell you a
few things about the nature of this atta!' and its !onse;uen!es, things whi!h " feel are essential to
appre!iating what " have to show you tonight)
B6ell then, let me start by saying that, on one level, the atta!' " suffered in this art gallery during
the opening night of an e(hibit of my wor's was in the nature of a simple gastrointestinal upheaval,
even if it was a ;uite severe episode of its type) #or some time this gastrointestinal upheaval, the
result of a disorder of my digestive system, had been ma'ing its progress within me) Over a period
of many years this disorder had been progressively and insidiously developing, on one level, in the
depths of my body and, on another level altogether, in the dar'est aspe!t of my being) This period
!oin!ided with, and in fa!t was dire!tly a !onse;uen!e of, my involvement with the !reation of
artwor's D my intense desire to ma'e art, whi!h is to say, my desire to do something and my desire
to 'e something, that is, an artist) " was attempting during this period " spea' of D and for that matter
throughout my entire life D to make somethin! .ith m+ mind, spe!ifi!ally to !reate wor's of art by
the only possible means " believed were available to me, whi!h was by using my mind, or by using
my imagination or my creative $aculties, some for!e or fun!tion of what people would !all a soul or
a spirit or simply a personal self) %ut when " found myself !ollapsed upon the floor of this art
gallery, and later at the hospital, e(perien!ing the most a!ute abdominal agony, " was overwhelmed
by the realiFation that " had no mind or imagination that " !ould use, that there was nothing " !ould
!all a soul or self D those things were all nonsense and dreams) " realiFed, in my severe
gastrointestinal distress, that the only thing that had any e(isten!e at all was this largerEthanEaverage
physi!al body of mine) And " realiFed that there was nothing for this body to do e(!ept to fun!tion
in physi!al pain and that there was nothing for it to 'e e(!ept what it was D not an artist or !reator of
any 'ind but solely a mass of flesh, a system of tissues and bones and so forth, suffering the agonies
of a disorder of its digestive system, and that anything that did not dire!tly stem from these fa!ts,
espe!ially produ!ing wor's of art, was profoundly and utterly $alse and unreal, At the same time "
also be!ame aware of the for!e that was behind my intense desire to do something and to be
something, parti!ularly my desire to !reate utterly false and unreal wor's of art) "n other words, "
be!ame aware of what in reality was activatin! my body) This realiFation was not made with my
mind or imagination, and !ertainly it was not made through any su!h medium as my soul or self, all
whi!h are entirely nonsense and dreams) This realiFation of what was a!tivating my body and its
desires was made by the only means possible, this being by way of the human body itself and its
organs of physi!al sensation) This is pre!isely how the world of nonEhuman bodies has always
fun!tioned and fun!tioned so mu!h more su!!essfully than the world of human bodies, whi!h is
forever obstru!ted by all the nonsense we fabri!ate about having minds and having souls or selves)
The world of nonEhuman bodies is a!tivated dire!tly in a!!ord with the !ommands of that terrible
for!e underlying all e(isten!e whi!h issues only a few simple desires, none of whi!h have to do
with anything as nonsensi!al and dreamli'e as !reating wor's of art or of being an artist, of doing or
being anything li'e these profoundly false and unreal things) Thus the world of nonEhuman bodies
never need suffer the pains of pursuing false and unreal desires, be!ause su!h feelings have no
relevan!e for those bodies and never arise within them)*
%efore !ontinuing with the introdu!tory tal' that !omprised the first part of his art e(hibit, or artisti!
stageshow, as " thought of it, $rossvogel paused and for a moment seemed to be surveying the fa!es
of the small audien!e seated in the ba!' room of the gallery) 6hat he had e(pressed to us
!on!erning his body and its digestive malfun!tions was on the whole !omprehensible enough, even
if !ertain points he was arti!ulating seemed at the time to be ;uestionable and his overall dis!ourse
somewhat unengaging) >et we put up with $rossvogel*s words, " believe, be!ause we had thought
that they were leading us into another, possibly more engaging phase of his e(perien!e, whi!h
somehow we already sensed was not wholly alienated from our own, whether or not we identified
with its pe!uliarly gastrointestinal nature) Therefore we remained silent, almost respe!tfully so,
!onsidering the unorthodo( pro!eedings of that night, as $rossvogel !ontinued with what he had to
tell us before the moment !ame when he unveiled what he had brought to show us)
B"t is all so very, very simple,* the artist !ontinued) BOur bodies are but one manifestation of the
energy, the activatin! $orce that sets in motion all the ob:e!ts, all the bodies of this world and
enables them to e(ist as they do) This a!tivating for!e is something li'e a shadow that is not on the
outside of all the bodies of this world but is inside of everything and thoroughly pervades
everything D an allEmoving dar'ness that has no substan!e in itself but that moves all the ob:e!ts of
this world, in!luding those ob:e!ts whi!h we !all our bodies) 6hile " was in the throes of my
gastrointestinal episode at the hospital where " was treated " des!ended, so to spea', to that deep
abyss of entity where " !ould feel how this shadow, this dar'ness was a!tivating my body) " !ould
also hear its movement, not only within my body but in everything around me, be!ause the sound
that it made was not the sound of my body D it was the sound of this shadow, this dar'ness, whi!h is
not li'e any other sound) Li'ewise " was able to dete!t the wor'ings of this pervasive and allE
moving for!e through the sense of smell and the sense of taste, as well as the sense of tou!h with
whi!h my body is e;uipped) #inally " opened my eyes, for throughout mu!h of this agoniFing ordeal
of my digestive system my eyelids were !len!hed shut in pain) And when " opened my eyes " found
that " !ould see how everything around me, in!luding my own body, was a!tivated from within by
this pervasive shadow, this allEmoving dar'ness) And nothing loo'ed as " had always 'nown it to
loo') %efore that night " had never e(perien!ed the world purely by means of my organs of physi!al
sensation, whi!h are the dire!t point of !onta!t with that deep abyss of entity that " am !alling the
shadow, the dar'ness) My false and unreal wor's as an artist were merely the eviden!e of what "
!on!o!ted with my mind or my imagination, whi!h are basi!ally nonsensi!al and dreamli'e
fabri!ations that only interfere with the wor'ings of our senses) " believed that somehow these
wor's of art refle!ted in some way the nature of my self or my soul, when in a!tuality they only
refle!ted my deranged and useless desires to do something and to 'e something, whi!h always
means to do and to be something false and unreal) Li'e everything else, these desires had been
a!tivated by the same pervasive shadow, the allEmoving dar'ness whi!h, due to the selfEannihilating
agony of my gastrointestinal distress, " !ould now e(perien!e dire!tly by means of my sense organs
and without the interferen!e of my imaginary mind or my imaginary self)
B" should !onfess that prior to my physi!al !ollapse at this very art gallery " had undergone a
psy!hi! !ollapse D a !ollapse of something false and unreal, of something nonsensi!al and
dreamli'e, it goes without saying, although it was all very genuine and real to me at the time) This
!ollapse of my mind and my self was the result of how poorly my wor's of art were being re!eived
by those attending the opening night of my first e(hibit, of how profoundly unsu!!essful they were
as artisti! !reations, miserably unsu!!essful even in the sphere of false and unreal artisti! !reations)
This unsu!!essful e(hibit demonstrated to me how thoroughly " had failed in my efforts to be an
artist) .veryone at the e(hibit !ould see how unsu!!essful my artwor's proved to be, and " !ould
see everyone in the very a!t of witnessing my unmitigated failure as an artist) This was the psy!hi!
!risis whi!h pre!ipitated my physi!al !risis and the eventual !ollapse of my body into spasms of
gastrointestinal torment) On!e my mind and my personal sense of self had bro'en down, all that
was left in operation were my organs of physi!al sensation, by means of whi!h " was able for the
first time to e(perien!e dire!tly that deep abyss of entity that is the shadow, the dar'ness whi!h had
a!tivated my intense desire to be a su!!ess at doin! something and at 'ein! something, and thereby
also a!tivated my body as it moved within this world, :ust as all bodies are li'ewise a!tivated) And
what " e(perien!ed through dire!t sensory !hannels D the spe!ta!le of the shadow inside of
everything, the allEmoving dar'ness D was so appalling that " was sure " would !ease to e(ist) "n
some way, be!ause of the manner in whi!h my senses were now fun!tioning, espe!ially my visual
sense, " did in fa!t !ease to e(ist as " had e(isted before that night) 6ithout the interferen!e of my
mind and my imagination, all that nonsensi!al dreaming about my soul and my self, " was for!ed to
see things under the aspe!t of the shadow inside them, the dar'ness whi!h a!tivated them) And it
was wholly appalling, more so than my words !ould possibly tell you)*
/evertheless, $rossvogel went on to e(plain in detail to those of us who had paid the e(orbitant
pri!e to see his stageshow e(hibit the appalling way in whi!h he was for!ed to see the world around
him, in!luding his own body in its gastrointestinal distress, and how !onvin!ed he was that this
vision of things would soon be the !ause of his death, despite the measures ta'en to save him during
his hospital so:ourn) "t was $rossvogel*s !ontention that his only hope of survival was for him to
perish !ompletely, in the sense that the person Hor the mind or selfI that had on!e been $rossvogel
would a!tually !ease to e(ist) This ne!essary !ondition for survival, he maintained, prompted his
physi!al body to undergo a Bmetamorphi! re!overy)* 6ithin a matter of hours, $rossvogel told us,
he no longer suffered from the symptoms of a!ute abdominal pains whi!h had initiated his !risis,
and furthermore he was now able to tolerate the way in whi!h he was permanently for!ed to see
things, as he put it, Bunder the aspe!t of the shadow inside them, the dar'ness whi!h a!tivated
them)* Sin!e the person who had been $rossvogel had perished, as $rossvogel e(plained to us, the
body of $rossvogel was able to !ontinue as a success$ul or!anism untroubled by the imaginary
torments that had on!e been infli!ted upon him by his fabri!ated mind and his false and unreal self)
As he put it in his own words, B"am no longer occu0ied with myself or my mind)* 6hat we in the
audien!e now saw before us, he said, was $rossvogel*s body spea'ing with $rossvogel*s voi!e and
using $rossvogel*s neurologi!al !ir!uitry but without the interferen!e of the Bimaginary !hara!ter*
'nown as $rossvogelJ all of his words and a!tions, he said, now emanated dire!tly from that same
for!e whi!h a!tivates every one of us if we !ould only realiFe it in the way he had been !ompelled
to do in order to 'eep his body alive) The artist emphasiFed in his own terribly !alm way that in no
sense had he !hosen his uni;ue !ourse of re!overy) /o one would willingly !hoose su!h a thing, he
!ontended) .veryone prefers to !ontinue their e(isten!e as a mind and a self, no matter what pain it
!auses them, no matter how false and unreal they might be, than to fa!e the ;uite obvious reality of
being only a body set in motion by this mindless, soulless, and selfless for!e whi!h he designated
the shadow, the dar'ness) /onetheless, $rossvogel dis!losed to us, this was e(a!tly the reality that
he needed to admit into his system if his body was to !ontinue its e(isten!e and to su!!eed as an
organism) B"t was purely a matter of physi!al survival,* he said) B.verybody should be able to
understand that) Anyone would do the same)* Moreover, the famous metamorphi! re!overy in whi!h
$rossvogel the person died and $rossvogel the body survived was so su!!essful, he informed his
stageshow audien!e, that he immediately embar'ed upon a strenuous period of travel, mostly by
means of ine(pensive buslines that too' him great distan!es a!ross and around the entire !ountry, so
that he !ould loo' at various people and pla!es while e(er!ising his new fa!ulty of being able to see
the shadow that pervaded them, the allEmoving dar'ness that a!tivated them, sin!e he was no longer
sub:e!t to the mis!on!eptions about the world that are !reated by the mind or imagination D those
obstru!ting me!hanisms whi!h were now removed from his system D and nor did he mista'enly
imagine anyone or anything to possess a soul or a self) And everywhere he went he witnessed the
spe!ta!le that had previously so appalled him to the point of be!oming a lifeEthreatening medi!al
!ondition)
B" !ould now 'now the world dire!tly through the senses of my body,* $rossvogel !ontinued) BAnd "
saw with my body what " !ould never have seen with my mind or imagination during my !areer as a
failed artist) .verywhere " travelled " saw how the pervasive shadow, the allEmoving dar'ness, was
usin! our .orld) %e!ause this shadow, this dar'ness has nothing of its own, no way to e(ist e(!ept
as an a!tivating for!e or energy, whereas we have our bodies, we are onl+ our bodies, whether they
are organi! bodies or nonEorgani! bodies, human or nonEhuman bodies, ma'es no differen!e D they
are all simply bodies and nothing but bodies, with no !omponent whatever of a mind or a self or a
soul) &en!e the shadow, the dar'ness uses our .orld $or .hat it needs to thrive u0on, "t has nothing
e(!ept its a!tivating energy, while we are nothing e(!ept our bodies) This is why the shadow, the
dar'ness !auses things to be what they would not be and to do what they would not do) %e!ause
without the shadow inside them, the allEmoving bla!'ness a!tivating them, they would be only what
they are D heaps of matter la!'ing any impulse, any urge to flourish, to succeed in this world) This
state of affairs should be !alled what it is D an absolute nightmare) That is e(a!tly what "
e(perien!ed in the hospital when " realiFed, due to my intense gastrointestinal suffering, that " had
no mind or imagination, no soul or self D that these were nonsensi!al and dreamli'e intermediaries
fabri!ated to prote!t human beings from realiFing what it is we really areJ only a !olle!tion of
bodies a!tivated by the shadow, the dar'ness) Those among us who are su!!essful organisms to any
degree, in!luding artists, are so only by virtue of the e(tent to whi!h we fun!tion as bodies and by
no means as minds or selves) This is e(a!tly the manner in whi!h " had failed so e(!eptionally,
sin!e " was profoundly !onvin!ed of the e(isten!e of my mind and my imagination, my soul and my
self) My only hope lay in my ability to ma'e a metamorphi! re!overy, to acce0t in ever+ .a+ the
nightmarish order of things so that " !ould !ontinue to e(ist as a su!!essful organism even without
the prote!tive nonsense of the mind and the imagination, the prote!tive dream of having any 'ind of
soul or self) Otherwise " would have been annihilated by a fatally traumati! insanity brought on by
the sho!' of this shattering realiFation) Therefore the person who was $rossvogel had to perish in
that hospital D and good riddan!e D so that the body of $rossvogel !ould be free of its
gastrointestinal !risis and go on to travel in all dire!tions by various means of transportation,
primarily the ine(pensive transportation provided by interstate buslines, witnessing the spe!ta!le of
the shadow, the dar'ness using our world of bodies for what it needs to thrive upon) And after
witnessing this spe!ta!le it was inevitable that " should portray it in some form, not as an artist .ho
has $ailed be!ause he is using some nonsense !alled the mind or the imagination, but as a 'od+ that
has succeeded in per!eiving how everything in the world a!tually fun!tions) That is what " have
!ome to show you, to e(hibit to you this evening)*
", who had been lulled or agitated by $rossvogel*s dis!ourse as mu!h as anyone in the audien!e,
was for some reason surprised, and even apprehensive, when he suddenly ended his le!ture or
fantasy monologue or whatever " !onstrued his words to be at the time) "t seemed that he !ould have
gone on spea'ing forever in the ba!' room of that art gallery where lowEwatt lightbulbs hung down
from the !eiling, one of them dire!tly above the table that was !overed with a torn se!tion of
bedsheet) And now $rossvogel was lifting one !orner of the torn bedsheet to show us, at last, what
he had !reated, not by using his mind or imagination, whi!h he !laimed no longer e(isted in him
any more than did his soul or self, but by using only his body*s organs of physi!al sensation) 6hen
he finally un!overed the pie!e !ompletely and it was fully displayed in the dull glow of the
lightbulb whi!h hung dire!tly above it, none of us demonstrated either a positive or negative
rea!tion to it at first, possibly be!ause our minds were so numbed by all the verbal buildEup that had
led to this moment of unveiling)
"t appeared to be a s!ulpture of some 'ind) &owever, " found it initially impossible to give this
ob:e!t any generi! designation, either artisti! or nonEartisti!) "t might have been anything) The
surfa!e of the pie!e was uniformly of a shining dar'ness, having a glossy sheen beneath whi!h was
spread a swirling mur' of shades that almost seemed to be in motion, an effe!t whi!h seemed ;uite
!redibly the result of some swaying of the lightbulb dangling above) There appeared to be a
resemblan!e in its general outline to some 'ind of !reature, perhaps a grossly distorted version of a
s!orpion or a !rab, sin!e it displayed more than a few !lawli'e e(tensions rea!hing out from a
!entral, highly shapeless mass) %ut it also appeared to have elements po'ing upward, pea's or horns
that :utted at roughly verti!al angles and ended sometimes in a sharp point and sometimes in a soft,
headli'e bulge) %e!ause $rossvogel had spo'en so mu!h about bodies, it was natural to see su!h
forms, in some deranged fashion, as the basis of the ob:e!t or as being in!orporated into it somehow
D a !haoti! world of bodies of every 'ind, of shapes a!tivated by the shadow inside them, the
dar'ness that !aused them to be what they would not be and to do what they would not do) And
among these bodyEli'e shapes " re!ogniFed distin!tly the largeEbodied figure of the artist himself,
although the signifi!an!e of the fa!t that $rossvogel had im0lanted himself therein es!aped me as "
sat !ontemplating this modest e(hibit)
6hatever $rossvogel*s s!ulpture may have represented in its parts or as a whole, it !ontained more
than a suggestion of that Babsolute nightmare* whi!h the artist, so to spea', had elu!idated during
his le!ture or fantasy monologue earlier that evening) >et this ;uality of the pie!e, even for an
audien!e that had more than a slight appre!iation of nightmarish sub:e!ts and !ontours, was not
enough to offset the high pri!e we had been re;uired to pay for the privilege of hearing about
$rossvogel*s gastrointestinal ordeal and selfEpro!laimed metamorphi! re!overy) Soon after the artist
unveiled his wor' to us, ea!h of our bodies rose out of those un!omfortable folding !hairs and
e(!uses for departing the premises were being spo'en on all sides) %efore ma'ing my own e(it "
noti!ed that in!onspi!uously displayed ne(t to $rossvogel*s s!ulpture was a small !ard upon whi!h
was printed the title of the pie!e) TSALAL /O) ,, it read) Later " learned something about the
meaning of this term, whi!h, in the way of words, both illuminated and !on!ealed the nature of the
thing that it named)
The matter of $rossvogel*s s!ulpture D he subse;uently put out a series of several hundred, ea!h of
them with the same title followed by a number that pla!ed it in a se;uen!e of artisti! produ!tion D
was dis!ussed at length as we sat waiting in the diner situated on the main street of the dead town of
Crampton) The gentleman seated to my left at one of the few tables in the diner reiterated his
a!!usations against $rossvogel)
B#irst he sub:e!ted us to an artisti! swindle,* said this person who was prone to sudden and
protra!ted !oughing spells, Band now he has sub:e!ted us to a metaphysi!al swindle) "t was unheard
of, !harging us su!h a pri!e for that e(hibition of his, and now !harging us so outrageously on!e
again for this Rphysi!alEmetaphysi!al e(!ursion)S 6e*ve all been ta'en in by that D*
BThat absolute fraud,* said Mrs Angela when the man on my left was unable to !omplete his
statement be!ause he had bro'en into another fit of !oughing) B" don*t thin' he*s even going to show
up,* she !ontinued) B&e indu!es us to !ome to this holeEinEtheEwall town) &e says that this is the
pla!e where we need to gather for this e(!ursion of his) %ut he doesn*t show his fa!e anywhere
around here) 6here did he find this pla!e, on one of those bus tours he was always tal'ing aboutK*
"t seemed that we had only ourselves and our own idio!y to blame for the situation we were in)
.ven though no one openly admitted it, the truth was that those of us who were present had been
very mu!h impressed with $rossvogel on the day when he entered the art gallery and had us assist
him in throwing all of his wor's on e(hibit into the ba!' of a battered pi!'Eup tru!') /one of us in
our small !ir!le of artists and intelle!tuals had ever done anything remotely li'e that or even
dreamed of doing something so drasti! and full of drama) #rom that day it be!ame our unspo'en
!onvi!tion that $rossvogel was on to something and our disgra!eful se!ret that we desired to atta!h
ourselves to him in order to profit in some way by our asso!iation with him) At the same time, of
!ourse, we also resented $rossvogel*s daring behavior and were perfe!tly ready to wel!ome another
failure on his part, perhaps even another !ollapse on the floor of the gallery where he and his
artwor's had already on!e failed to everyone*s thorough satisfa!tion) Su!h a !onfusion of motives
was more than enough reason for us to pay the e(orbitant fee that $rossvogel !harged for his new
e(hibit, whi!h we afterward dismissed in one way or another)
#ollowing the show that night " stood on the sidewal' outside the art gallery, listening on!e again to
Mrs Angela*s impli!ations regarding the true sour!e of $rossvogel*s metamorphi! re!overy and
artisti! inspiration) BMr einer $rossvogel has been medi!ated to the eyeballs ever sin!e he !ame
out of that hospital,* she said to me as if for the first time) B" 'now one of the girls who wor's at the
drugstore that fills his pres!riptions) She*s a very good !ustomer of mine,* she added, her wrin'led
and heavily madeEup eyes flashing with selfEsatisfa!tion) Then she !ontinued her s!andalous
revelations) B" thin' you might 'now the 'ind of medi!ations pres!ribed for someone with
$rossvogel*s medi!al !ondition, whi!h really isn*t a medi!al !ondition at all but a psy!hophysi!al
disorder that " or any of the people who wor' for me !ould have told him about a long time ago)
$rossvogel*s brain has been swimming in all 'inds of tran;uiliFers and antiEdepressants for months
now, and not only that) &e*s also been ta'ing an antiEspasmodi! !ompound for that !ondition of his
that he*s supposed to have re!overed from by su!h mira!ulous means) "*m not surprised he doesn*t
thin' he has a mind or any 'ind of self, whi!h is all :ust an a!t in any !ase)
BAnti/s0asmodic,* Mrs Angela hissed at me as we stood on the sidewal' outside the art gallery
following $rossvogel*s e(hibit) BDo you 'now what that meansK* she as'ed me and then ;ui!'ly
answered her own ;uestion) B"t means belladonna, a poisonous hallu!inogeni!) "t means
phenobarbital, a barbiturate) The girl from the drugstore told me all about it) &e*s been overdosing
himself on all of these drugs, do you understandK That*s why he*s been seeing things in that pe!uliar
way he would have us believe) "t*s not some shadow or whatever he says that*s activatin! his body)
" would 'now about something li'e that, now wouldn*t "K " have a spe!ial gift that provides me with
insight into things li'e that)*
%ut despite her gifts, along with her e(!ellent pastries, Mrs Angela*s psy!hi! !offeehouse did not
thrive as a business and ultimately went under altogether) On the other hand, $rossvogel*s
s!ulptures, whi!h he produ!ed at a prolifi! pa!e, were an in!redible su!!ess, both among lo!al
buyers of artisti! produ!ts and among art mer!hants and !olle!tors a!ross the !ountry, even rea!hing
an international mar'et to some e(tent) einer $rossvogel was also !elebrated in feature arti!les
that appeared in ma:or art magaFines and nonEartisti! publi!ations ali'e, although he was usually
portrayed, in the words of one !riti!, as a BoneEman artisti! and philosophi!al frea'show)*
/evertheless, $rossvogel was by any measure now fun!tioning as a highly su!!essful organism)
And it was due to this su!!ess, whi!h had never been approa!hed by anyone else within our small
!ir!le of artists and intelle!tuals, that those of us who had abandoned $rossvogel upon hearing him
le!ture on his metamorphi! re!overy from a severe gastrointestinal disorder and viewing the first in
his prodigious Tsalal series of s!ulptures now on!e again atta!hed ourselves and our failed !areers
to him and his unarguably su!!essful body without a mind or a self) .ven Mrs Angela eventually
be!ame !onversant with the BrealiFations* that $rossvogel had first espoused in the ba!' room of
that storefront art gallery and now disseminated in what seemed an unending line of philosophi!al
pamphlets, whi!h be!ame almost as sought after by !olle!tors as his series of Tsalal s!ulptures)
Thus, when $rossvogel issued a !ertain bro!hure among the small !ir!le of artists and intelle!tuals
whi!h he had never abandoned even after he had a!hieved su!h amaFing finan!ial su!!ess and
!elebrity, a bro!hure announ!ing a Bphysi!alEmetaphysi!al e(!ursion* to the dead town of
Crampton, we were more than willing on!e more to pay the e(orbitant pri!e he was as'ing)
This was the bro!hure to whi!h " referred the others seated at the table with me in the Crampton
dinerJ the photographi! portraitist who was sub:e!t to !oughing :ags on my left, the author of the
unpublished philosophi!al treatise An Investi!ation into the )ons0irac+ a!ainst the Human "ace on
my right, and Mrs Angela dire!tly a!ross from me) The man on my left was still reiterating, with
prolonged interruptions of his !oughing Hwhi!h " will here deleteI, the !harge that $rossvogel had
perpetrated a Bmetaphysi!al swindle* with his highEpri!ed Bphysi!alEmetaphysi!al e(!ursion)*
BAll of $rossvogel*s tal' about that business with the shadow and the bla!'ness and the nightmare
world he purportedly was seeing ) ) ) and then where do we end up D in some godforsa'en town that
went out of business a long time ago, and in some part of the !ountry where everything loo's li'e
an overe(posed photograph) " have my !amera with me ready to !reate portraits of fa!es that have
loo'ed upon $rossvogel*s shadowy bla!'ness, or whatever he was planning for us to do here) "*ve
even thought of several very good titles and !on!epts for these photographi! portraits whi!h "
imagine would have a good !han!e of being published together as a boo', or at least a portfolio in a
leading photography magaFine) " thought that at the very least " might have ta'en ba!' with me a
series of photographi! portraits of $rossvogel, with that huge fa!e of his) " !ould have pla!ed that
with almost any of the better art magaFines) %ut where is the !elebrated $rossvogelK &e said he
would be here to meet us) &e said we would find out everything about that shadow business, as "
understood him) #urthermore, " have my head prepared for those absolute nightmares that
$rossvogel prattled on about in his pamphlets and in that highly de!eptive bro!hure of his)*
BThis bro!hure,* " said during one of the man*s more rau!ous intervals of ha!'ing, Bma'es no
e(pli!it promises about any of those things you*ve imagined to be !ontained there) "t spe!ifi!ally
announ!es that this is to be an e(!ursion, and " ;uote, to a Rdead town, a $inished town, a $ailed
town, a false and unreal setting that is the produ!t of unsu!!essful organisms and therefore a town
that is e(emplary of that e(treme state of failure that may so distress human organi! systems,
parti!ularly the gastrointestinal system, to the point of wea'ening its delusional and totally
fabri!ated defenses D e)g) the mind, the self D and thus pre!ipitating a !risis of nightmare realiFation
involving ) ) ) ,S and " thin' we*re all familiar with the shadowEand dar'ness tal' whi!h follows) The
point is, $rossvogel promises nothing in this bro!hure e(!ept an environment redolent of failure, a
sort of hothouse for failed organisms) The rest of it is entirely born of your own imaginations ) ) )
and my own, " might add)*
B6ell,* said Mrs Angela, pulling the bro!hure " had pla!ed on the table toward her, Bdid " imagine
reading that, and I ;uote, Rsuitable dining a!!ommodations will be providedSK %itter !offee and
stale donuts are not what " !onsider suitable) $rossvogel is now a ri!h man, as everybody 'nows,
and this is the best he !an doK 8ntil the day " !losed down my business for good, " served
superlative !offee, not to mention superlative pastries, even if " now admit that " didn*t ma'e them
myself) And my psy!hi! readings, mine and those of all my people, were as breathta'ing as they
!ome) Meanwhile, the ri!h man and that waitress there are pra!ti!ally poisoning us with this bitter
!offee and these in!redibly stale, !utErate donuts) 6hat " !ould use at this moment is some of that
antiEspasmodi! medi!ine $rossvogel*s been ta'ing in su!h liberal doses for so long) And "*m sure
he*ll have plenty of it with him if he ever shows his fa!e around here, whi!h " doubt he will after
ma'ing us si!' with his suitable dining a!!ommodations) "f you will e(!use me for a moment)*
As Mrs Angela made her way toward the lavatory on the other side of the diner, " noti!ed that there
were already a few others lined up outside the single door labelled .ST OOM) " glan!ed around
at those still seated at the few tables or upon the stools along the !ounter of the diner, and there
seemed to be a number of persons who were holding their hands upon their stoma!hs, some of them
tenderly massaging their abdominal region) ", too, was beginning to feel some intestinal dis!omfort
whi!h might have been attributable to the poor ;uality of the !offee and donuts we had been served
by our waitress, who now appeared to be nowhere in sight) The man sitting on my left had also
e(!used himself and made his way a!ross the diner) Gust as " was about to get up from the table and
:oin him and the others who were lining up outside the rest room, the man seated on my right began
telling me about his Bresear!hes* and his Bspe!ulations* whi!h formed the basis for his unpublished
philosophi!al treatise An Investi!ation into the )ons0irac+ a!ainst the Human "ace and how these
related to his Bintense suspi!ions* !on!erning $rossvogel)
B" should have 'nown better than to have entered into this ) ) ) e(!ursion,* the man said) B%ut " felt "
needed to 'now more about what was behind $rossvogel*s story) " was intensely suspi!ious with
respe!t to his assertions and !laims about his metamorphi! re!overy and about so many other
things) #or instan!e, his assertion D his realiFation, as he !alls it D that the mind and the imagination,
the soul and the self, are all simply nonsense and dreams) And yet he !ontends that what he !alls the
shadow, the dar'ness D the Tsalal, as his artwor's are entitled D is not nonsense and dreams, and
that it uses our bodies, as he !laims, $or .hat it needs to thrive u0on) 6ell, really, what is his basis
for dismissing his mind and imagination and so forth, but embra!ing the reality of his Tsalal, whi!h
seems no less the produ!t of some nonsensi!al dreamK*
" found the man*s suspi!ious interrogations to be a wel!ome distra!tion from the intestinal pressure
now building up inside me) "n response to his ;uestion " said that " !ould only reiterate $rossvogel*s
e(planation that he was no longer e(perien!ing things, that is, no longer seein! things with his
supposedly illusory mind and self, but with his body, whi!h as he further !ontended was a!tivated,
and entirely occu0ied, by the shadow that is the Tsalal) BThis isn*t by any means the most
preposterous revelation of its 'ind, at least in my e(perien!e,* " said in defense of $rossvogel)
B/or is it in mine,* he said)
B%esides,* " !ontinued, B$rossvogel*s !uriously named s!ulptures, in my opinion, have a merit and
interest apart from a stri!tly metaphysi!al !onte(t and foundation)*
BDo you 'now the signifi!an!e of this word D Tsalal D that he uses as the sole title for all his
artwor'sK*
B/o, "*m afraid " have no notion of its origin or meaning,* " regretfully !onfessed) B%ut " suppose
you will enlighten me)*
B.nlightenment has nothing to do with this word, whi!h is an!ient &ebrew) "t means Rto be!ome
dar'ened ) ) ) to be!ome enshadowed,S so to spea') This term has emerged not infre;uently in the
!ourse of my resear!hes for my treatise An Investi!ation into the )ons0irac+ a!ainst the Human
"ace) "t o!!urs, of !ourse, in numerous passages throughout the Old Testament D that potboiler of
apo!alypses both ma:or and minor)*
BMaybe so,* " said) B%ut " don*t agree that $rossvogel*s use of a term from &ebrew mythology
ne!essarily !alls into ;uestion the sin!erity of his assertions, or even their validity, if you want to
ta'e it that far)*
B>es, well, " seem not to be ma'ing myself !lear to you) 6hat "*m referring to emerged ;uite early
in my resear!hes and preliminary spe!ulations for my Investi!ation) %riefly, " would simply say that
it*s not my intention to !ast doubt on $rossvogel*s Tsalal) My Investi!ation would prove me to be
;uite e(pli!it and une;uivo!al on this phenomenon, although " would never employ the rather
showy, and somewhat trivial approa!h that $rossvogel has ta'en, whi!h to some e(tent !ould
a!!ount for the fabulous su!!ess of his s!ulptures and pamphlets, on the one hand, and, on the other,
the abysmal failure of my treatise, whi!h will remain forever unpublished and unread) All that aside,
my point is not that this Tsalal of $rossvogel*s isn7t in some way an a!tual phenomenon) " 'now
only too well that the mind and the imagination, the soul and the self are not only the nonsensi!al
dreams that $rossvogel ma'es them out to be) They are in fa!t no more than a !overEup D as false
and unreal as the artwor' $rossvogel was produ!ing before his medi!al ordeal and re!overy)
$rossvogel was able to penetrate this fa!t by some e(tremely rare !ir!umstan!e whi!h no doubt had
something to do with his medi!al ordeal)*
B&is gastrointestinal disorder,* " said, feeling more and more the symptoms of this malady in my
own body)
B.(a!tly) "t*s the pre!ise me!hani!s of this e(perien!e of his that interested me enough to invest in
his e(!ursion) This is what remains so obs!ure) There is nothing obvious, if " may say, about his
Tsalal or its me!hanism, yet $rossvogel is ma'ing what to my mind are some fas!inating !laims
and distin!tions with su!h overwhelming !ertitude) %ut he is !ertainly mista'en, or possibly being
devious, on one point at least) " say this be!ause " 'now that he has not been entirely forth!oming
about the hospital where he was treated) "n the resear!h pertaining to my Investi!ation " have
loo'ed into su!h pla!es and how they operate) " 'now for a fa!t that the hospital where $rossvogel
was treated is an e(tremely rotten institution, an absolutely rotten institution) .verything about it is
a sham and a !overEup for the most gruesome goingsEon, the true e(tent of whi!h "*m not sure even
those involved with su!h pla!es realiFe) "t*s not a matter of any sort of depravity, so to spea', or of
malign intent) There simply develops a sort of ) ) ) !ollusion, a rotten allian!e on the part of !ertain
people and pla!es) They are in league with ) ) ) well, if only you !ould read my Investi!ation you
would 'now the sort of nightmare that $rossvogel was fa!ed with in that hospital, a pla!e ree'ing
of nightmares) Only in su!h a pla!e !ould $rossvogel have !onfronted those nightmarish
realiFations he has dis!oursed upon in his !ountless pamphlets and portrayed in his series of Tsalal
s!ulptures, whi!h he says were not the produ!t of his mind or imagination, or his soul or his self,
but only the produ!t of what he was seeing with his body and its organs of physi!al sensation D the
shadow, the dar'ness) The mind and all that, the self and all that, are only a !overEup, only a
fabri!ation, as $rossvogel says) They are that whi!h !annot be seen with the body, whi!h !annot be
sensed by any organ of physi!al sensation) This is be!ause they are a!tually nonEe(istent !overEups,
mas's, disguises for the thing that is a!tivating our bodies in the way $rossvogel e(plained D
a!tivating them and using them for what it needs to thrive upon) They are the wor', the artwor's in
fa!t, o$ the Tsalal itsel$) Oh, it*s impossible to simply tell you) " wish you !ould read my
Investi!ation) "t would have e(plained everything, it would have revealed everything) %ut how
!ould you read what was never written in the first pla!eK*
B/ever writtenK* " in;uired) B6hy was it never writtenK*
B6hyK* he said, pausing for a moment and grima!ing in pain) BThe answer to that is e(a!tly what
$rossvogel has been prea!hing in both his pamphlets and his publi! appearan!es) &is entire
do!trine, if it !an even be !alled that, if there !ould ever be su!h a thing in any sense whatever, is
based on the nonEe(isten!e, the imaginary nature of everything we believe ourselves to be) Despite
his efforts to e(press what has happened to him, he must 'now very well that there are no words
that are able to e(plain su!h a thing) 6ords are a total obfus!ation of the most basi! fa!t of
e(isten!e, the very !onspira!y against the human ra!e that my treatise might have illuminated)
$rossvogel has e(perien!ed the essen!e of this !onspira!y firstEhand, or at least has !laimed to have
e(perien!ed it) 6ords are simply a !overEup for this !onspira!y) They are the ultimate means for the
!overEup, the ultimate artwor' of the shadow, the dar'ness D its ultimate artisti! !overEup) %e!ause
of the e(isten!e of words, we thin' that there e(ists a mind, that some 'ind of soul or self e(ists)
This is :ust another of the infinite layers of the !overEup) There is no mind that !ould have written
An Investi!ation into the )ons0irac+ a!ainst the Human "ace D no mind that !ould write su!h a
boo' and no mind that !ould read su!h a boo') There is no one at all who !an say anything about
this most basi! fa!t of e(isten!e, no one who !an betray this reality) And there is no one to whom it
!ould ever be !onveyed)*
BThat all seems impossible to !omprehend,* " ob:e!ted)
B"t :ust might be, if only there a!tually were anything to !omprehend, or anyone to !omprehend it)
%ut there are no su!h beings)*
B"f that*s the !ase,* " said, win!ing with abdominal dis!omfort, Bthen who is having this
!onversationK*
B6ho indeedK* he answered) B/evertheless, " would li'e to !ontinue spea'ing) .ven if this is only
nonsense and dreams, " feel the need to perpetuate it all) .spe!ially at this moment, when this pain
is ta'ing over my mind and my self) Pretty soon none of this will ma'e any differen!e) /o,* he said
in a dead voi!e) B"t doesn*t matter now)*
" noti!ed that he had been staring out the front window of the diner for some time, gaFing at the
town) Some of the others in the diner were doing the same, dumbstru!' at what they saw and
agoniFed, as " was, by the means by whi!h they were seeing it) The va!ant s!ene of the town*s
empty streets and the desolate season that had presided over the surrounding lands!ape, that pla!e
we had !omplained was absent of any manifestations of interest when we first arrived there, was
undergoing a visible metamorphosis to the eyes of many of us, as though an e!lipse were o!!urring)
%ut what we were now seeing was not a dar'ness des!ending from far s'ies but a shadow whi!h
was arising from within the dead town around us, as if a torrent of bla!' blood had begun roaring
through its pale body) " realiFed that " had suddenly and un'nowingly :oined in the forefront of
those who were affe!ted by the !hanges ta'ing pla!e, even though " literally had no idea what was
happening, no 'nowledge that !ame to my mind, whi!h had !eased to fun!tion in the way it had
only moments before, leaving my body in a dumb state of agony, its organs of sensation registering
the gruesome spe!ta!le of things around meJ other bodies e!lipsed by the shadow swirling inside
their s'ins, some of them still spea'ing as though they were persons who possessed a mind and a
self, imaginary entities still !omplaining in human words about the pain they were only beginning
to realiFe, !rying out for remedies as they entered the Bnu!leus of the abysmal,* and still seeing with
their minds even up to the very moment when their minds abandoned them entirely, dissipating li'e
a mirage, able to say only how everything appeared to their minds, how the shapes of the town
outside the windows of the diner were turning all !roo'ed and !rabbed, rea!hing out toward them as
if with !laws and rising up li'e strange pea's and horns into the s'y, no longer pale and gray but
swirling with the pervasive shadow, the allEmoving dar'ness that they !ould finally see so perfe!tly
be!ause now they were seeing with their bodies, only with their bodies pit!hed into a great bla!'
pain) And one voi!e !alled out D a voi!e that both moaned and !oughed D that there was a fa!e
outside, a Bfa!e a!ross the entire s'y,* it said) The s'y and town were now both so dar' that perhaps
only someone preo!!upied with the photographi! portraiture of the human fa!e !ould have seen
su!h a thing among that world of !hurning shadows outside the windows of the diner) Soon after
that the words all but !eased, be!ause bodies in true pain do not spea') The very last words "
remember were those of a woman who s!reamed for someone to ta'e her to a hospital) And this was
a re;uest whi!h, in the strangest way, had been anti!ipated by the one who had indu!ed us into
ma'ing this Bphysi!alEmetaphysi!al e(!ursion* and whose body had already mastered what our
bodies were only beginning to learn D the nightmare of a body that is being used and that 'nows
what is using it, ma'ing things be what they would not be and do what they would not do) " sensed
the presen!e of a young woman who had worn a uniform as white as gauFe) She had returned) And
there were others li'e her who moved among us, and who 'new how to minister to our pains in
order to effe!t our metamorphi! re!overy) 6e did not need to be brought to their hospital, sin!e the
hospital and all its rottenness had been brought to us)
And as mu!h as " would li'e to say everything that happened to us in the town of Crampton Hwhose
deadness and desolation seem an illusion of paradise after having its hidden life revealed to our
eyesI D as mu!h as " would li'e to say how it was that we were !onveyed from that region of the
!ountry, that nu!leus of nowhere, and returned to our distant homes D as mu!h as " would li'e to say
pre!isely what assistan!e and treatments we might have re!eived that delivered us from that pla!e
and the pain we e(perien!ed there, " !annot say anything about it at all) %e!ause when one is saved
from su!h agony, the most diffi!ult thing in the world is to ;uestion the means of salvationJ the
body does not 'now or !are what ta'es away its pain and is in!apable of ;uestioning these things)
#or that is what we have be!ome, or what we have all but be!ome D bodies without the illusion of
minds or imaginations, bodies without the distra!tions of souls or selves) /one of us among our
!ir!le ;uestioned this fa!t, although we have never spo'en of it sin!e our ) ) ) re!overy) /or have we
spo'en of the absen!e of $rossvogel from our !ir!le, whi!h does not e(ist in the way it on!e did,
that is to say, as an assemblage of artists and intelle!tuals) 6e be!ame the re!ipients of what
someone designated the Blega!y of $rossvogel,* whi!h was more than a metaphori!al e(pression,
sin!e the artist had in fa!t be;ueathed to ea!h of us, on the !ondition of his Bdeath or disappearan!e
for a stipulated period of time,* a share in the !onsiderable earnings he had amassed from the sales
of his wor's)
%ut this stri!tly monetary inheritan!e was only the beginning of the su!!ess that all of us from that
abolished !ir!le of artists and intelle!tuals began to e(perien!e, the seed from whi!h we began to
grow out of our e(isten!e as failed minds and selves into our new lives as highly su!!essful
organisms, ea!h in our own field of endeavor) Of !ourse we !ould not have failed, even if we tried,
in attaining whatever end we pursued, sin!e everything we have e(perien!ed and !reated was a
phenomenon of the shadow, the dar'ness whi!h rea!hed outward and rea!hed upward from inside
us to !law and po'e its way to the heights of a mountainous pile of human and nonEhuman bodies)
These are all we have and all we areC these are what is used and thrived upon) " !an feel my own
body being used and !ultivated, the desires and impulses that are pulling it to su!!eed, that are
tu!!in! it toward every 'ind of su!!ess) There is no means by whi!h " !ould ever oppose these
desires and impulses, now that " e(ist solely as a body whi!h see's only its effi!ient perpetuation so
that it may be thrived upon by what needs it) There is no possibility of my resisting what needs to
thrive upon us, no possibility of betraying it in any way) .ven if this little a!!ount of mine, this little
!hroni!le seems to dis!lose se!rets that might undermine the nightmarish order of things, it does
nothing but support and promulgate that order) /othing !an resist or betray this nightmare be!ause
nothing e(ists that might do anything, that might 'e anything that !ould realiFe a su!!ess in that
way) The very idea of su!h a thing is only nonsense and dreams)
There !ould never be anything written about the B!onspira!y against the human ra!e* be!ause the
phenomenon of a !onspira!y re;uires a multipli!ity of agents, a division of sides, one of whi!h is
undermining the other in some way and the other having an e(isten!e that is able to be undermined)
%ut there is no su!h multipli!ity or division, no undermining or resistan!e or betrayal on either side)
6hat e(ists is only this 0ullin!, this tu!!in! upon all of the bodies of this world) %ut these bodies
have a !olle!tive e(isten!e only in a ta(onomi! or perhaps a topographi!al sense and in no way
!onstitute a !olle!tive entity, an agen!y that might be the ob:e!t of a !onspira!y) And a !olle!tive
entity !alled the human ra!e !annot e(ist where there is only a !olle!tion of nonEentities, of bodies
whi!h are themselves only provisional and will be lost one by one, the whole !olle!tion of them
always approa!hing nonsense, always dissolving into dreams) There !an be no !onspira!y in a void,
or rather in a bla!' abyss) There !an only be this tugging of all these bodies toward that ultimate
su!!ess whi!h it seems my largeEbodied friend realiFed when he was finally used to the fullest
e(tent, and his body used up, entirel+ consumed by what needed it to thrive)
BThere is only one true and final su!!ess for the shadow that ma'es things what they would not be,*
$rossvogel pro!laimed in the very last of his pamphlets) BThere is only one true and final su!!ess
for the allEmoving bla!'ness that ma'es things do what they would not do,* he wrote) And these
were the very last lines of that last pamphlet) $rossvogel !ould not e(plain himself or anything else
beyond these in!on!lusive statements) &e had run out of the words that Hto ;uote someone who
shall remain as nameless as only a member of the human ra!e !an beI are the ultimate artwor' of
the shadow, the dar'ness D its ultimate artisti! !overEup) Gust as he !ould not resist it as his body
was pulled toward that ultimate su!!ess, he !ould not betray it with his words)
"t was during the winter following the Crampton e(!ursion that " began fully to see where these last
words of $rossvogel were leading) Late one night " stood gaFing from a window as the first snow of
the season began to fall and be!ome in!reasingly prolifi! throughout ea!h dar' hour that " observed
its progress with my organs of physi!al sensation) %y that time " !ould see what was inside the
falling fla'es of snow, :ust as " !ould see what was inside all other things, a!tivating them with its
for!e) And what " saw was a bla!' snow falling from a bla!' s'y) There was nothing re!ogniFable in
that s'y D !ertainly no familiar visage spread out a!ross the night and implanted into it) There was
only this bla!'ness above and this bla!'ness below) There was only this !onsuming, proliferating
bla!'ness whose only true and final su!!ess was in merely perpetuating itself as su!!essfully as it
!ould in a world where nothing e(ists that !ould ever hope to be anything else e(!ept what it needs
to thrive upon ) ) ) until everything is entirely !onsumed and there is only one thing remaining in all
e(isten!e and it is an infinite body of bla!'ness a!tivating itself and thriving upon itself with eternal
su!!ess in the deepest abyss of entity) $rossvogel !ould not resist or betray it, even if it was an
absolute nightmare, the ultimate physi!alEmetaphysi!al nightmare) &e !eased to be a person so that
he !ould remain a su!!essful organism) BAnyone would do the same,* he said)
And no matter what " say " !annot resist or betray it) /o one !ould do so be!ause there is no one
here) There is only this body, this shadow, this dar'ness)