What Your Actions Say about You

That first minute is critical in any encounter. Various body signals speak for you long
before you open your mouth. Learn to use such potential personal assets as your body
posture, your handshake, eye contact and your special smile, to your full advantage.
You need to know how to act when you get to a conference, after-hours event, meeting or
trade show to make the most effective and efficient use of your time and to attract
those people whom you want to do with business with and add to your network.
The success of any encounter begins the moment someone lays eyes on you. One of the
first things they notice about you is your aura, that distinctive atmosphere that surrounds
you.
You create it, and you are responsible for what it says about you and whom it attracts.
Your aura enters with you and starts speaking long before your open your mouth.
Since body language conveys more than half of any message in any face-to-face
encounter, how you act is vital to your aura.
osture
One of the first key things people notice is how you carry and present yourself. o you
walk and stand with confidence like your mother taught you!
Stomach in
"hest out
Shoulders back
#ead up
-Or do you slouch, perhaps with your shoulders drooping, your head forward and your
stomach protruding! $re you saying to people that you are not sure of yourself, are not
poised and, therefore, not the one they should seek out and get to know! You may be
turning people away without even being aware of it.
"ommand respect by standing tall and claiming the space to which you are entitled. %lant
your feet about si& to eight inches apart with one slightly in front of the other. 'y
workshop attendees always remark about how this positioning makes them feel
(grounded,) (rooted) and (balanced) great ways to start any encounter*
You also tell people through your posture if you are want others to approach you. +or
instance, if you are talking with one other person and the two of you are forming a
rectangle, you will give the message that you have (closed off) your space and don,t want
to be interrupted.
-f you doubt me, stand by two people who are in the rectangular position and see how
long you go unacknowledged. The two will see you out of their peripheral vision, but
won,t include you until they have finished their (private) conversation.
-f, on the other hand, the two of you stand with your feet pointed outward like two sides
of an incomplete triangle, you will be inviting others into the conversation. You can make
that all-important eye contact.
!andshakes
$nother vital component you need to bring to any interpersonal encounter is a firm
handshake. $gain, those few seconds you (shake) can empower or weaken a relationship.
'en,s handshakes are typically strong and firm because they naturally have a stronger
grip. .omen, get a grip and be noticed*
- once got a client because the man - shook hands with remarked about my strong
handshake and asked what - did. #e decided it was time to hire me to teach his people
how to shake hands, too*
/eing familiar with the following handshakes will help you immensely in your relationship-
building activities0
"ontroller
$ person e&tends his hand to you, web-to-web, and as soon as your hands are linked, he
purposely maneuvers his hand onto the top. #e,s telling you he wants to be in charge.
1eep that in mind as the interaction continues.
Sand#ich
2se this one only with people you know. .hen you envelop another person,s hands, you
are invading their private space where you are to be only when invited.
Society promotes the standard handshake but is not as tolerant of using both hands. /y
the way, this handshake is also known as the politician,s handshake which may be cause
enough for most people to avoid it*
$ead fish
-magine rubbing a scaly, dead fish in your hands and you got the picture. Your hands
typically are wet for two reasons0 You are nervous or you have been holding a cold
beverage in your right hand and move it to your left 3ust before you shake hands. -n either
case, it is e&tremely unpleasant for the receiver.
-f you e&perience an&iety, wipe your hands on a napkin, the tablecloth or even lightly on
your clothes. .hat you spend at the dry cleaners will be paid for 4uickly by the better
impression you make. $s for the beverage, use common sense.
Limp fingers
.omen, far more than men, e&tend their fingers rather than their entire hand. -t can be
painful for the e&tender, when she is greeted by a man who shakes with his forceful grip.
'en tell me this fre4uently leads to their giving women a lighter handshake. %rofessional
women respond that they want to be treated e4ually. One of the ways to combat this
syndrome is to always e&tend you full hand 5never cup it6 hori7ontally, even if your grip is
light.
%ngredients of a good handshake
#old the person,s hand firmly.
Shake web-to-web, three times ma&imum.
'aintain constant eye contact.
8adiate positive aura.
&ye "ontact
'ake it and keep it* 9ot only does focused eye contact display confidence on your part, it
also helps you understand what the other person is really saying verbally.
When the eyes say one thing, and the tongue another,
a practiced man relies on the language of the first.
--8alph .aldo :merson
;ooking someone in the eye as you meet and talk with him<her also shows you are paying
attention. ;istening is the most important human relations skill, and good eye contact
plays a large part in conveying our interest in others.
When to look
/egin as soon as you engage someone in a conversation. #owever, you may wish to start
even earlier if you are trying to get someone,s attention. "ontinue it throughout the
conversation.
/e sure to maintain direct eye contact as you are saying (good-bye.) -t will help leave a
positive, powerful lasting impression.
Where to look
-magine an inverted triangle in your face with the base of it 3ust above your eyes. The
other two sides descend from it and come to a point between your nose and your lips.
That,s the suggested area to (look at) during business conversations.
Socially, the point of the triangle drops to include the chin and neck areas. .hen people
look you (up and down,) it,s probably more than business or a casual social situation they
have in mind*
!o# long to look
- suggest about => ? @> percent of the time. ;ess than that can be interpreted as
discomfort, evasiveness, lack of confidence or boredom. .hen you stare longer, it can be
construed as being too direct, dominant or forceful and make the other person
uncomfortable.
-t,s okay to glance down occasionally as long as your ga7e returns 4uickly to the other
person. $void looking over the other person,s shoulders as if you were seeking out
someone more interesting to talk with.
Smiles
Smiles are an important facial e&pression. They show interest, e&citement, empathy, concernA they create
an upbeat, positive environment.
Smiles can, however, be overused. Often, men smile when they are pleasedA women smile to please. You
know which is the most powerful*
To gain and increase respect, first establish your presence in a room, then smile. -t is far more professional
than to enter a room giggling or (all smiles.)
$s you review and tweak your body language for your ne&t interpersonal encounter, - suggest you keep in
mind another :merson saying0
What you are stands over you the while and thunders so that I cannot hear what you say to the contrary.
!o# Space %nvasion "an 'uin a (usiness $eal
)ne of the easiest mistakes to make during a business encounter is to mis*udge ho#
much space the other person needs. 'especting another person+s space can help you
build rapport #ith your colleagues and close sales #ith your clients.
$s a consultant and professional speaker, - often travel by myself and fre4uently dine
alone. This affords me the opportunity to combine two of my favorite pastimes0 eating
great food and watching people.
One night at dinner in an ocean-side resort, - noticed a man and a woman seated across
the room. -t was a beautiful image and it caught my attention. The couple sat in
silhouette, framed by a large picture window, while the setting sun turned the background
shades of yellow, orange, magenta and deep purple.
Then - began to observe the couple,s body language. uring the course of the meal, -
watched the man lean toward the womanBand saw her respond by pulling away from him.
#e leaned toward her againBand again she pulled away. The more the man leaned
forward, the more his dinner companion would tilt back. /y dessert, he was almost
sprawled across the table and she was practically falling off her chair.
- couldn,t hear a word they were saying, but it was perfectly obvious that whatever he
was proposingBshe wasn,t signing on*
The funny part was, the man seemed totally oblivious to the nonverbal signals the woman
was so clearly sending. #e would have been much more successful if he had 5literally6
backed off.
;ast month - was reminded of this episode as - sat at another restaurant watching two
men at the bar. This time - was close enough to overhear their conversation, so - knew
that one man was in sales and the other was a potential client. /y the time they,d
finished their drinks, - also knew the deal was dead. $nd it wasn,t anything that was said.
-n the midst of a normal (getting-to-know-you) conversation, - watched the salesman
move so close to his prospect that the client began, very slowly, to inch away. This went
on for some time, but finally the client could stand it no longer. #e e&cused himself to
make a phone call ? and left the restaurant shortly afterward.
,nderstanding the invisible bubble
One of the easiest mistakes to make during a business encounter with someone is to
mis3udge how much space the other person needs.
The anthropologist, :dward #all, coined the word (pro&emicsC to describe phenomena like
territoriality among office workers. $nd it was he who first noted the five 7ones in which
people feel most comfortable dealing with one another. 5-tDs as if weDre standing inside an
invisible bubble that e&pands or contracts depending on our relationships.6
The intimate zone 5>-E= inches6 is reserved for family and loved ones.
.ithin this 7one we embrace, touch or whisper. This close contact is
appropriate only for very personal relationships.
The close personal zone 5E.F-G feet6 is the (bubble) most people in the
2nited States like to keep around us. This 7one is used for interactions
among friends or familiar and trusted business partners.
A far personal zone 5G-H feet6 is for interactions we prefer to conduct (at
arm,s length) and in this 7one we can communicate interest without the
commitment of touching.
The social zone 5H-EG feet6 is most appropriate for the ma3ority of most
daily business interactions. -t is where we interact with new business
ac4uaintances or at more formal social affairs.
The public zone 5over EG feet6 is mostly used for public speaking.
The amount of space re4uired to feel comfortable varies from individual to individual.
%eople who don,t like being touched will tend to (keep their distance) from others.
%eople who touch others while talking will want to get close enough to do so.
Space can also vary depending on the amount of trust in a relationship. $ general rule is0
The greater the distance, the lower the level of trust. .e also make assumptions about
relationships based on 7ones. -f we see two people talking at a distance of around two
feet from each other, we assume they are engaged in the kind of conversation only
possible between those who know and trust each other. So, their spatial relationship
becomes part of what is being communicated.
Iender plays an important role too. 'en who don,t know each other well tend to keep a
greater distance between them than women who have 3ust met. This difference in
interpersonal distance as determined by gender is even true in .eb G.>,s virtual online
worlds 5like Second ;ife6 where many of the rules that govern personal space in the
physical world can be found in the virtual world.
$nd, of course, the comfortable distance between participants varies with culture. -n the
2.S. most business relationships begin in the social 7one. $s the relationships develop and
trust is formed, both parties may subconsciously decrease the distance to more personal
7ones. /ut if one of the parties moves too close too soon, it can result in a communication
breakdown.
Those who feel powerful and confident will usually control more physical space, e&tending
their arms and legs and generally taking up more room. -n doing so, they may unknowingly
infringe on another person,s territory. Someone may also purposefully stand too close in
order to make the other person feel self-conscious or insecure. %olice interrogators often
use the strategy of sitting close and crowding a suspect. This theory of interrogation
assumes that invasion of the suspectDs personal space 5with no chance for defense6 will
give the officer a psychological advantage.
-,ve also seen managers standing uncomfortably close to employees in order to emphasi7e
their status in the organi7ation.
9ot a good idea.
Scientists agree that people,s territorial responses are primitive and powerful. $nd a
mistake here can trigger a truly deep-seated response. .hen someone comes too close in
an undesirable way, it triggers a physiological reaction in the other person - as heart rate
and galvanic skin responses increase. The other person then tries to restore the (proper)
distance by looking away, stepping behind a barrier 5desk, chair, table6, crossing their
arms to create a barrier, pulling back to create space, or tucking in their chins as an
instinctive move of protection. They may even rub their neck so that an elbow protrudes
sharply toward the invader.
Ietting too close is an especially improper business move in circumstances where
workers, colleagues or clients are in danger of feeling emotionally or physically
threatened by the invasion on their personal space. $nyone who oversteps space
boundaries is perceived as rude, aggressive or socially clueless.
So keep your distance. 8especting another person,s space can help you build rapport with
your colleagues and close sales with your clients.
"an You Listen With Your &yes-
You+re at a business event and the colleague you+ve been having an intense
conversation #ith begins to shift her ga.e from your face to look around the room.
&ver #onder #hy that makes you feel as if she has stopped listening- You kno# it+s not
logical. A person doesn+t have to look at you to hear you. eople don+t listen #ith
their eyes.
)r do they-
The impact of eye contact is so powerful because it is instinctive and connected with
humans, early survival patterns. "hildren who could attract and maintain eye contact, and
therefore increase attention, had the best chance of being fed and cared for.
$nd eye contact retains its power with adults. .e ga7e intently at one another,
unconsciously monitoring the wide eyes of surprise or pleasure and the narrowed eyes of
suspicion or dislike. .e respond 5positively or negatively6 to dilated pupils that signal
attraction, increased blink rates caused by stress, and darting eyes that underscore
discomfort or defensiveness.
Over the course of a conversation, eye contact is made through a series of glances ? by
the speaker, to make sure the other person has understood or to gage reactions, and by
the listener to indicate interest in either the other person or what,s being said.
-t is also used as a synchroni7ing signal. %eople tend to look up at the end of utterances,
which gives their listeners warning that the speaker is about to stop talking. There is
often mutual eye contact during attempted interruptions, laughing, and when answering
short 4uestions.
:ye contact is most effective when both parties feel its intensity is appropriate for the
situation 5and this may differ with introverts<e&troverts, men<women, or between
different cultures6.
/ut greater eye contact, especially in intervals lasting four to five seconds, almost always
leads to greater liking. $s long as people are looking at us, we believe we have their
interest. -f they meet our ga7e more than two-thirds of the time, we sense that they find
us appealing or fascinating.
-n fact, the only kind increased eye contact that does not
increase liking is staring ? which most of us consider to be rude
or even threatening. This kind of over-done eye contact
generally communicates a desire to dominate, a feeling of
superiority, a lack of respect, or a wish to insult.
-n the .estern world, too little eye contact is interpreted as
being impolite, insincere, or even dishonest. One hospital, analy7ing letters of complaints
from patients, reported that @> percent of the complaints had to do with poor doctor eye
contact, which was perceived as a (lack of caring.)
/ut people decrease or avoid eye contact for many reasons ? when they are discussing
something intimate or difficult, when they are not interested in the other person,s
reactions, when they don,t like the other person, when they are insecure or shy and when
they are ashamed, embarrassed, depressed or sad.
.aiters in restaurants tend to avoid eye contact with their customers to send the
message, (-,m too busy to deal with you right now.) :mployees avoid eye contact when
the boss poses a difficult 4uestion or asks for volunteers. 5The general rule here is to look
down and shuffle through notes as if searching for the answer or engaged in a much more
important pursuit.6 $nd when pedestrians or drivers want to ensure their own right of way,
one strategy is to avoid meeting the other,s eyes in order to avoid cooperation.
-n intense or intimate conversations people naturally look at one another more often and
hold that focus for longer periods of time. $ sure sign that a conversation is lagging is
when one of the participants begins looking away to pay more attention to other people
or ob3ects in the vicinity.
So when your business colleague stopped looking at you and began to ga7e blankly into
the distance or visually scan the room, she was (saying) with her eyes that she had, in
effect, stopped listening.
Test Your eople/reading Skills
!o# good are your 0people/reading skills-0 Are you at the college level or still in
second or third grade- Your ability to intuit #hat others are thinking and feeling could
make all the difference in your career.
$bout si& months ago an out-of-town client called to ask my input. She was in a meeting
with the president of an association where she is chairing the annual gala as a volunteer.
$lso present were several of her committee members as well as an outside consultant
hired by the organi7ation.
A sure sign that a
conversation is lagging
is #hen one of the
participants begins
looking a#ay
She noticed immediately that the consultant was sitting in the most powerful position at
the rectangular table. $lso that when she or her group asked 4uestions, the consultant
and the president often started to answer even before the asker was finished, with the
consultant speaking over the president. .hen the president did speak, he often put his
hand to his mouth<chin to accompany his remarks. .hen others spoke, particularly the
consultant, the president would rub his neck, pulling at his collar. Juite a few times, she
saw him pointlessly rearranging the papers in front of him
The consultant, on the other hand, was leaning into the conversation and had his hands on
the table, often palms up.
She had earlier hired me to coach her in people-reading skills because she was impressed
how - had CcalledC several things that had happened at her company after observing the
players at different events. -t was a skill she wanted to hone.
#er simple 4uestion to me was, Co you agree that the president may be on his way out!
This is the second meeting where basically the same pattern has been replayed.C
CYes,C - answered, Cbased on your description.C #er comeback, C"ould we spend an hour
discussing what - can do before it happens! -t,s important that the gala goes off without a
hitch.C
$ month ago, - got another phone call. The president had been let go, and the consultant
was temporarily running the association. 'y client had CreadC a situation and reacted to it
before it happened. The gala is on trackA in fact, she has amassed record-setting
sponsorship.
#ow good are your Cpeople-reading skills!C $re you at the college level or still in second or
third grade! This economy particularly demands that you use the @><E> rule
9inety percent of a message is communicated through the visual and vocal ingredients.
Ten percent 5or less6 is through the words.
You say you know that rule! That,s highly likelyA however, what do you do about it! $re you
astute enough that you identify the messages and ad3ust in the moment or at least shortly
thereafter!
Test your kno#ledge
#ere are several 4uestions based on the scenario 3ust described. There may be more than
one correct answer. 5$nswers are at the end of this article. .ill you answer before you
look!*6
1. The most po#erful position at a rectangular table is the
E. #ead of the table.
G. 'iddle of the longer side, facing the door.
K. 'iddle of the longer side with your back to the door.
G. Those in po#er or #ho feel they are
E. ;et others provide the answers.
G. Speaker louder than others and persevere.
K. Try not to interrupt others.
K. When you cover your mouth or chin #ith your hand #hile speaking, you
E. 'ay be stifling a cough.
G. 'ay be lying.
K. +eel insecure and vulnerable.
H. 'ubbing your neck may indicate
E. The person speaking is a pain in your neck.
G. You are eager to hear what the other person has to say.
K. You are uncomfortable.
F. Aimlessly rearranging your materials on the table can mean
E. You are fidgety, nervous or uncomfortable.
G. You are well organi7ed.
L. !aving palms up means
E. You are trying to hide something.
G. You are uncomfortable.
K. You are being honest with people.
Ans#ers
E. 5G6
G. 5G6
K. 5E,G,K6
H. 5E,K6
F. 5E6
L. 5K6
$oes Your Stance &1clude or %nclude )thers-
!ave you ever attended a meeting, conference or net#orking event and felt as if
people #ere unfriendly or snobbish and hard to engage in conversation- Are you
a#are you might be sending the same message #hen you are talking #ith another
person 2 simply through your stance-
(y the #ay you stand, you either e1clude or include others. ,nfortunately, you may
be una#are of the vibes you are sending about you or your organi.ation.
.hen you and another person face each other and form a rectangle like the illustration
above, you send the message that you have (closed off) your space and do not wish to be
interrupted. 2sually, you do not consciously set out to do this, rather your bodies (close
up the space) as you become more and more involved in your conversation.
.hen you are the person trying to 3oin two people who have assumed that stance, you set
yourself up for re3ection if they are not yet ready to (break the bo&) and let you in.
-,ve tested the principle and once stood ne&t to two people for five minutes before they
invited me in. %robably didn,t help that they were vice presidents at $TMT and - was
only a manager.
-t also can be difficult for you to break out of the rectangle if you are ready to move on
and the other person is not yet finished (monopoli7ing) your time.
- stopped by a funeral home to pay my regards to a friend when her father died. She had
left to run an errand so - met and spoke with her sister. .e moved into a rectangular
position, and - tried to break it because - needed to leave for an appointment.
She kept rotating with me to keep the bo& intact. -t was apparent she was not yet ready
to break off the conversation. +inally, a priest approached us and as she saw him out of
her peripheral vision, she opened our (bo&.) - e&cused myself shortly after - was
introduced to the priest.
On the other hand, when you and another person have your feet pointed outward as if you
could complete a triangle,
you are inviting others into the conversation. -t is easy for someone walking past or
standing nearby to make eye contact. That person will feel welcome to 3oin you,
particularly if one of you e&tends an invitation through a smile, nod or a pause in your
conversation.
1nowing these two simple (stance) facts can save you from feeling re3ected or ignored or
making others feel that way vs. welcomed and comfortable.
Nust as you have developed your brand so do organi7ations and companies. (Stand up) for
you<yours in a friendly, welcoming manner.
Why You Talk With Your !ands
3esture and speech are so tightly connected that #e can4t do one #ithout the other.
!ere are some fascinating facts about the #ay #e 0talk0 #ith our bodies during the
course of our everyday conversations.
$ new study from the 2niversity of "hicago found that the more gestures babies used at
EH months 5shaking a head Cno,C raising arms to be picked up, pointing at an ob3ect of
interest, etc.6, the more words they had in their vocabulary at three years old.
.hich is no surprise to those of us who study body language. #ereD are a few facts - found
while researching my book, The Nonverbal Advantage !ecrets and !cience of "ody
#anguage at Wor$.
Iesture and speech are so tightly connected that we canDt do one without the other. /rain
imaging has shown that a region called /rocaDs area, which is important for speech
production, is active not only when weDre talking, but when we wave our hands. $nd as we
grow into adulthood, gesturing becomes more comple&, more nuanced, and more
interesting.
$id you kno#...
o $ blind person talking to another blind person will use gestures.
o $ll of us use gestures when talking on the telephone.
o .hen people are passionate about what theyDre saying, their gestures become more
animated.
o Studies have found that when you communicate through active gesturing, you tend to be
evaluated as warm, agreeable, and energetic, while remaining still makes you be seen as
logical, cold, and analytic.
o On the other hand, over-gesturing with flailing arms 5especially when hands are raised
above the shoulders6 can make you appear out of control, less believable and less
powerful.
o Some gestures have an agree-upon meaning to a group and are consciously used instead
of words. 5The Cthumbs upC gesture in 9orth $merica is one e&ample6. These gestures very
by culture - and what is acceptable in one culture can be rude or insulting in another.
o 'any deception cues are subconscious gestures - like the hand to mouth or nose
gestures which are typically use when lying. 5$nd, by the way, those same gestures are
often displayed when listening to someone you donDt believe.6
o %acifying gestures are used to help us deal with stress0 $ny self touching can be
calming. You may rub your legs, pull at your collar, play with your hair, rub your neck, or
even cross your arms in a kind of Cself-hug.C
o Open palm gestures indicate candor, while hidden hands 5or hands in pockets6 signals
that the person has something to hide or doesnDt want to participate in a conversation.
o ;ow confidence is often shown by wringing hands and interlacing fingers.
o #igh confidence can be displayed by a steepling gesture 5palms separated and fingers
touching6. YouDll see this used most often by politicians, e&ecutives and professors.
So, remember, itDs okay to talk with your hands - as long as you know what theyDre saying*
!o# to be 5ore "harismatic
When You Speak in ublic
"harisma. %t4s a 6uality #e associate #ith movie stars, leaders, sports figures.
(ut ever #ish you could have more of it yourself- &ver #ish you could give a
presentation so memorable people #ill be talking about it for days, #eeks, months and
even years to come-
Sadly, most presentations are all too easily forgotten. %sychologists say we forget about
F>O of what we hear in a presentation within H= hours. Two weeks later we can barely
remember we were even in the room.
Some people study charisma. They think it can be learned and affected in mannerisms,
facial e&pressions and body language. They fre4uent cosmetic dentists for a, million-dollar
smile. Or undergo plastic surgery to achieve da77ling good looks.
Others try to ac4uire charisma through fashion or a sense of personal style. $nd many
people say that when it comes to charisma, you either have it or you donDt.
$ctually, charisma comes from none of the above. -tDs an inner
4uality that all of us have. "harisma is something that shines from
within. -t cannot be ac4uired, learned or pasted on
%roblem is, most peopleDs natural charisma is deeply buried
beneath layers and layer of psychological stuff.
One of the greatest enemies of charisma is narcissism. #ereDs why0
The narcissistic speaker is more concerned with looking good and speaking for glory than
they are with giving to the audience. They speak to get noticed and to pull energy
towards them, rather than speaking to radiate energy outwards in the form of
information, motivation, affection and inspiration
"harisma is
something that
shines from
#ithin...)ne of its
greatest enemies is
narcissism
True charisma is nurtured and enhanced by selflessness and a dedication to higher ideals.
:very presentation, even the most dry and businesslike, can be enhanced by this paradigm
shift.
So ne&t time you have to give a talk, donDt merely hope and pray that you get through it
as 4uickly as possible.
;ook for any opportunity to improve someoneDs life through the information and uni4ue
perspective you bring.
Sho# "onfidence Through
Your Walk and osture
7o one ever has too much confidence / ego, yes, confidence no.
$o you keep in mind that your #alk and posture bespeak your confidence before you
begin your pitch- They influence your audience of one or one hundred to make initial
decisions about your capabilities 2 before you even shake hands, begin a conversation
or sho# your first slide.
The way you stride down the hallway, across the parking lot or into a room is a powerful
first clue to how you feel about yourself. .alk erect with your head held high, your
shoulders back, your chest out and your stomach in. .ith the aura you create, you
command respect without ever saying a word.
.hen you overdo it with a swagger or a strut, it can e4uate with egotism and a pompous
attitude. 2nderdone, like when you have your back arched and your head stuck out and
down, shows a lack of confidence.
.hen you are giving a presentation, use your walk as a form of physical punctuation.
Strengthen transitions by stepping to the side, pauses by standing in place and emphasis
and persuasion by moving forward as if you want to touch the audience.
-f your movement is unnatural or mechanical, it will detract from your presentation.
Standing in one place throughout a talk may indicate you,re (fro7en to the spot) by the
fear of speaking.
Your posture talks, too8
Once you have walked into that meeting, office or conference and found your spot, your
posture becomes a telltale sign. 8emember what your mother used to tell you, (Stand up
straight*C You literally (make your stand) through your posture. -t tells people how
confident you are, how much self-esteem you have and how you want to be treated.
Taking up a reasonable amount of space e4uates to having power. %lant your feet about =
to E> inches apart with one slightly in front of the other. This allows you to easily change
weight from one foot to the other.
This is particularly important if you are behind a podiumA you donDt noticeably appear to
be shifting weight 5which you need to do so you donDt get fro7en in the CspeakerC position6.
.hen you don,t do it smoothly, this shifting can be distracting to the audience ... and to
you when you become conscious of it.
This stance also makes you feel more comfortable, balanced and grounded, which is a plus
when you undertake the arduous process of starting or maintaining a conversation.
.omen often think it is more ladylike to assume the first position in ballet, i.e. the inside
back of your left foot rubs against the inside arch of your right foot. -n reality, women
who stand in this position in business look as if they might topple if given a nudge.
Avoid the fig/lead stance
$ stance to avoid is what - term the fig leaf. -n addition to having your feet close together
and your hands crossed over your genital area, you may tilt your head sideways as you
look up to engage in conversation. This posture almost always guarantees you a loss of
respect and power before you ever say a word*
8emember how your ancestors claimed their land! Stake your property, too* +ailure to
stake your claim reminds me of a saying from my Ierman heritage0 C'ache dich klein.C
5Make yourself small.6
-tDs what my mom would say to me repeatedly when she viewed my eagerness to speak to
everyone in sight as annoying chatter instead of a natural asset* .hat - am encouraging
you to do instead is to C'ache dich grose.C 5Make yourself big!6 :&pand and claim your
space* -tDs yours for the taking.
$ tango instructor said it well0 Stand as if you o#n the #orld. - learned this from one of
my coaching clients who was taking dance lessons. $ttitude plays a vital role. Think highly
of yourself 5you will stand taller6, and the world will notice and react accordingly.
!o# to achieve good posture
Stand #ith your back to a #all and look straight ahead. 'ake sure your
head and your back are touching the wall. $s you remain standing there for a
few minutes, periodically touch your shoulders to the wall and hold for E>
seconds.
This automatically makes you pull in your tummy and stick out your chest.
Take a few steps away from the wall, and practice the same techni4ues on
your own.
&nvision the 9ohn !ancock (uilding in "hicago, one of the tallest in the
#orld. 9ow, stand up. -magine your body is a tall, narrow building. %lant
your feet =-E> inches apart.
9ow, make sure your knees are directly about your feet, hips above your
knees, stomach above your hips, chest above your stomach and head above
your chest ? such that if you took a piece of heavy string and dropped it from
your nose, it would fall between your feet. 1eep this image in mind as you
stand around at networking events, meetings and receptions.
The o#er of Touch
in (usiness Settings
Touch may be a controversial issue in the #orkplace o#ing to its potential
for abuse, but the simple act of touching someone to sho# support,
encouragement, sympathy or gratitude can add the personal #armth to our
communication that is other#ise lacking.
$ fre4uently commented on aspect of the evolving relationship between /arack
Obama and #illary "linton is how much they touch each other. 8ecently, there
have been images of /arak with his hand on #illaryDs arm, the two of them on
stage leaning into one another and touching shoulders, and 5after the
announcement of her nomination as secretary of state6 leaving the press
conference with their arms around each otherDs backs.
-nteresting - but what does it mean!
+or one thing it means is that they both are comfortable with touch as a way of
e&pressing themselves - and that, in turn, may mean a lot for the rest of us.
Touch has become a controversial issue in nearly every area of life - certainly in
the workplace, where inappropriate touching can be grounds for dismissal or
even prosecution.
/ut in our sensitivity to political correctness, we may have lost a potent way to
connect with others. Sometimes the simple act of touching someone to show
support, encouragement, agreement, sympathy or gratitude adds the personal
warmth to our communication that is otherwise lacking.
There are legitimate reasons for limiting physical encounters under professional
conditions. ;ike any other nonverbal cue, touch can be misused as a power play
or manipulation. Some people may use touch to display a sense of control or
one-upmanship, and in those cases, a touch can feel condescending,
uncomfortable, and be unwelcome.
Still, we may have overcompensated. .e are now living in a touch-phobic
society has taken something powerful and deeply human out of our interactions.
2sually considered to be the most primitive and essential form of
communication, touch is so potent and effective that clinical studies at 'ayo
"linic show that premature babies who are stroked grow H> percent faster than
those who do not receive the same amount of touching.
$nd touch retains its power -- even with adults in
business settings. $ study on handshakes 5by the
-ncome "enter for Trade Shows6 showed that people
are two times more likely to remember you if you
shake hands with them. The trade-show researchers
also found that people react to those with whom they
shake hands by being more open and friendly.
#ereDs why . . .
We are programmed to
feel closer to someone
#ho4s touched
us...'esearchers found
that people react to
those #ith #hom they
shake hands by being
more open and
friendly
.e are programmed to feel closer to someone whoDs touched us. The person
who touches also feels more connected. -tDs a compelling force and even
momentary touching can create a human bond. $ touch on the forearm that
lasts a mere E<H> of a second can make the receiver not only feel better but
also see the giver as being kinder and warmer.
8esearch by the "ornell 2niversity School of #otel $dministration shows that
being touched increase the tips that customers leave their servers.
$t two informal restaurants, waitresses had assigned to them customers who
were randomly divided into three categories. Some customers were not touched
at all, others were touched once on the shoulder for about one and a half
seconds, and the rest were touched twice on the palm of the hand for about
half a second each. $ll touches were casually given as the waitress returned
change to their customers at the end of the meal. -n all cases, eye contact was
avoided.
The results at both restaurants were significant. "ustomers who werenDt touched
left an average tip of EGO. Tips increased to EHO from those who were touched
on the shoulders, and to EPO from those touched twice on the hand.
/ut it isnDt only in restaurants that customers respond favorably to touch. -n
many commercial settings, casually touching customers has been shown to
increase the time they spend in a store, the amounts they purchase, and the
favorable evaluation of their shopping e&perience in that store.
-n related studies, touch was found to increase the number of people who
volunteered to score papers and sign petitions. -t was also observed that
supermarket customers who had been touched were more likely to taste and
purchase food samples than non-touched customers.
'y friend, /ill is a natural Ctoucher.C $s such, he utili7es an interesting and
effective communication techni4ue. .hen he speaks, he touches the listener
5most always on the forearm6 to add emphasis to key parts of his statements.
Touching ensures that, for a moment, he has someoneDs full attention. /ecause
touch is used most often when we believe strongly in something 5a liar will
rarely touch the one he is talking to6, /illDs touching also subconsciously
enhances his credibility.
-snDt that ama7ing! Through a single touch we instantly become more likeable,
friendly, memorable, and credible.
/y offering a public e&ample of two people at ease with touch, could /arack and
#illary be showing us that it is okay to find appropriate and friendly ways to
touch in public!
Why :eet $on4t Lie
T#o of your colleagues are talking in the hall#ay. You+d like to *oin the
conversation, but you don+t kno# if you+ll be seen as a rude interruption or
a #elcome addition.
Want to find out- 9ust #atch their feet.
.hen you approach the twosome, you will be acknowledged in one of two ways.
-f the feet of your two colleagues stay in place and they twist only their upper
torsos in your direction, they don,t really want you to 3oin the conversation. /ut
if their feet open to include you then you know that you are truly invited to
participate.
$nd that,s only one of the messages you can get from reading feet.
#ere,s another e&ample from my book, The 9onverbal $dvantage - Secrets and
Science of /ody ;anguage at .ork0 .henever you are speaking with a co-worker
who seems to be paying attention, and whose upper body is angled toward you,
but whose legs and feet have turned toward the door ? reali7e that the
conversation is over. #er feet are telling you she wants to leave.
+oot positions are revealing even if someone,s legs are crossed. -f the toe of the
leg that is crossed on top is pointing towards you, the person is most likely
interested in you. -f the opposite leg is crossed so the top toe is pointing away,
the person is probably withdrawing.
Our feet and legs are not only our primary means of locomotion, they are in the
forefront of reactions to (fight, flight, or free7e) survival strategies. The limbic
brain is at the center of our emotional response system. -ts ma3or function is to
react instantaneously to incoming information from the environment.
:motional reactions, as we know, occur prior to thought. /efore we,ve had time
to develop any conscious plan, our limbic brain has already made sure that our
feet and legs ? depending on the situation ? are geared to free7e in place, run
away, or kick out in defense.
.hen people try to control their body language, they
focus primarily on facial e&pressions and hand<arm
gestures. That,s because rarely is anyone 5even
politicians, actors, or e&ecutives6 coached in body
language below the waist. $nd since gestures from the
legs and feet are left unrehearsed, they are also
where the truth can most often be found.
- witnessed an e&ample of this at a recent conference
where - was a keynote speaker. /ecause my speech was scheduled for the ne&t
morning, - arrived a day early to view other presenters and to get a feel for the
audience. One of the sessions - saw was an interview with the %resident and
"hief :&ecutive Officer of a financial institute. The interviewer 5a member of
the ":O,s staff6 and interviewee were seated on stage in chairs facing the
audience. The staff member read from a list of 4uestions and the e&ecutive
responded.
+rom a body language perspective it was fascinating. The e&ecutive,s facial
e&pressions and hand gestures signaled comfort and confidence as he shared his
philosophy of (relationship banking) and the importance of employees to his
companyDs brand.
Then came a series of 4uestions about e&ecutive compensation. $s the ":O
responded to these in4uiries, his e&pressions and gestures stayed constant ? but
Studies sho# that
observers have greater
success *udging a
person+s true
emotional state #hen
they can see the entire
body
his (foot language) changed dramatically0 +rom a comfortable, loose leg cross,
the e&ecutive suddenly locked his ankles tightly together, pulled them back
under his chair, and began to make tiny kicks with both feet. #e then re-crossed
his ankles and kicked his feet again. $nd this behavior continued throughout the
entire set of compensation 4uestions.
.as the ":O comfortable addressing this issue! .ell, his upper body would have
you believe he was. $nd if that were all you could see 5if, for instance, he had
been sitting behind a desk or standing behind a lectern6, you might have been
convinced he was at ease. /ut his feet told an entirely different story -- one of
stress and an&iety.
Of course, our feet and legs react not only to stressors and threats, they
respond to positive emotions as well. (ancing for 3oy,) (1icking up your heels,)
(.alking on air,) and (Staying on your toes) ? they,re only some of the phrases
used to acknowledge that positive connection.
/ouncing, tapping, wiggling feet are what professional poker players refer to as
(happy feet.) -n poker it,s a high-confidence tell, a signal that the player,s hand
is strong.
-,ve noticed a similar signal in business negotiations. -f you see a lot of high-
energy foot 3iggling 5or if you notice a slight bounce in the shoulders that is a
result of such movement6 you can almost always assume that the party involved
is feeling pretty good about his bargaining position. $nd if your seated opponent
rocks back on his heels and raises his toes ? he probably thinks he has the upper
hand.
+eet even say a lot about your self-confidence. .hen you stand with your feet
close together, you seem timid or hesitant. /ut when you widen your stance,
you look more (solid) and sure of yourself.
Studies show that observers have greater success 3udging a person,s true
emotional state when they can see the entire body. You may not know it, but
instinctively you,ve been reacting to foot gestures all your life. 9ow you know a
little more about what to look for.
(ody Language 5istakes Women Leaders 5ake
There are t#o sets of body language cues that follo#ers look for in leaders; warmth
<empathy, likeability, caring= and authority <po#er, credibility, status=. Although %
kno# several leaders of both se1es #ho do not fit the stereotypes, %+ve also observed
that gender differences in body language most often align do align #ith these t#o
groupings. Women are the champions in the #armth and empathy arena, but lose out
#ith po#er and authority cues.
All leaders are *udged by their body language. %f a female #ants to be perceived as
po#erful, credible, and confident, she has to be a#are of the nonverbal signals she+s
sending.
>. They use too many head tilts
#ead tilting is a signal that someone is listening and involved -- and a particularly
feminine gesture. #ead tilts can be very positive cues, but they are also subconsciously
processed as submission signals. .omen who want to pro3ect power and authority should
keep their heads straight up in a more neutral position.
?. They physically condense
One way that status is nonverbally demonstrated in a business meeting is by physically
taking up room. ;ower-status, less-confident men 5and most women6 tend to pull in their
bodies and minimi7e their si7e, while high status males e&pand and take up space. So at
your ne&t meeting, spread out your belongings and claim your turf*
@. They act girlish
:veryone uses pacifying gestures when under stress. They rub their hands together, grab
their upper arms, and touch their necks. /ut women are viewed as much less powerful
when they pacify with girlish behaviors 5twirling hair, playing with 3ewelry, or biting a
finger.6
A. They smile e1cessively
.hile smiling can be a powerful and positive nonverbal cue ? especially for signaling
likeability and friendliness ? women should be aware that, when e&cessive or
inappropriate, smiling can also be confusing and a credibility robber. This is especially
true if you smile while discussing a serious sub3ect, e&pressing anger, or giving negative
feedback.
B. They nod too much
.hen a man nods, it means he agrees. .hen a woman nods, it means she agrees ? or is
listening to, empathi7ing with, or encouraging the speaker to continue. This e&cessive
head nodding can make females look like a bobble-head doll. "onstant head nodding can
e&press encouragement and engagement, but not authority and power.
C. They speak 0up0
.omenDs voices often rise at the ends of sentences as if theyDre asking a 4uestion or asking
for approval. .hen stating your opinion, be sure to use the authoritative arc, in which
your voice starts on one note, rises in pitch through the sentence and drops back down at
the end.
D. They #ait their turn
-n negotiations, men talk more than women and interrupt more fre4uently. One
perspective on the value of speaking up comes from former Secretary of State 'adeleine
$lbright, who ? when asked what advice she had for up-and-coming professional women ?
replied, (;earn to interrupt.)
E. They are overly e1pressive
.hile a certain amount of movement and animation adds passion and meaning to a
message, women who e&press the entire spectrum of emotions often overwhelm their
audience 5especially if the audience is comprised primarily of males6. So in situations
where you want to ma&imi7e your authority -- minimi7e your movements. .hen you
appear calm and contained, you look more powerful.
F. They have a delicate handshake
.omen with a weak handshake are 3udged to be passive and less confident. So take the
time to cultivate your Cprofessional shake.) 1eep your body s4uared off to the other
person -- facing him or her fully. 'ake sure you have palm-to-palm contact and that the
web of you hand 5the skin between you thumb and first finger6 touches the web of the
other personDs. $nd, most of all, remember to shake hands firmly.